the spectrum heart cathedral system

So we've spent the past few days going through the archives (2008-2012) and writing down "notable dates," because we want to celebrate + remember more things.
13 years ago, at the beginning of January 2012, is when our Core became "Eros/Cupid." This year was so interesting, full of equal amounts of love and terror, and then SLC happened and everything just... shattered, apparently. But we want to re-read everything in full after we do this effort.

We added Spotify links to the Akoufoni entry, although we haven't cleaned up the old data yet. But this, too, is a huge memory-restoring effort, because those 'foni help us get a grasp on chronology when there's no actual experiential memory of the physical life, just music data.

We also... found the most recent System Census, from 2017. The one we actually have on our laptop wasn't uploaded, though, and has a few extra names? We started going through it, and... this is going to sound absolutely brutal, but we're starting to think that the post-CNC massive death was almost a pruning. I have no other way to phrase it.
We were horrifically splintered during CNC. We know this. We couldn't function at all so we had TONS of foni just manifesting at the drop of a hat in the desperate attempt to hold things together.
Now, we're going through this list, and... apparently, the foni that didn't resurrect were the ones that were shattered pieces to that effect, ones with hyperspecific jobs for hyperspecific circumstances. We don't even recognize some of the names.
But... we've been saying over and over to ourself since 2017, "God had a reason for letting that happen." That was the only "comfort" we had. It was the only way we could deal with the reality of coming back into consciousness post-Tilly and realizing that most of us were dead. But... was that merciful? Those foni maybe even deserve to finally rest in peace. I mean that, with as much aching compassion as I can, speaking of such a painful topic. But they couldn't survive now, let alone live. Their contexts, their jobs, belong to past timelines and locations and contexts that literally don't exist and aren't even possible anymore, so... if they don't come back, because they can't, then God give their broken souls the peace they never got in life. Please. However that works for nousfoni, give them peace.

...On a related note, I cannot put into proper words how much more alive and hopeful and joyful I feel, now that when I quietly "reach into" my heart-space and feel it, I can feel that "quantum entanglement" ping somewhere off in the ether, in unmappable space, but real. The other half of my internal heart is back where it belongs... in my daengel. 
Typing that, though, makes us aware of a concerning "split" yet. Jay, the "current" one, is alive. But is the current female-adjacent kardifoni a Jewel? Or not? Because Jewels deal with the Irispherae-- the new name for the "League," a term entirely ours at last. Still, the Jewel name STILL applies to ALL the Cores-- even the Jays, as is historically apparent. Or... did that change, to PROTECT the Irispherae, AFTER CNC???
Lord only knows. We're still trying to figure that out and we CAN'T until we actually upload and READ the archives from 2017-2018. We'll do that after we upload the TBHU journal & papers-- which we honestly should start ASAP, after we get these dates figured out.

That's all we're going to update for tonight. Just a brief little update. We're busy in datalogging mode and honestly this helps immensely, just doing this chronological runthrough of our past, and finally feeling the history in our heart, realizing that we have a past and it's beautiful and terrible and ours. It's making life feel real again, reviewing the years. So that's a true blessing.

Last good thing. Jay/Jewel (current Core with dual identity? unclear name, as we said) is STILL EMOTIONALLY OPEN. Like xe said, xer heart is not closed off, no matter how much hell we've been going through with the family. ...Actually that's significant. I think we have our koinofoni AND phagofoni to thank. THAT'S where the "many voices" are now, even if we've never listed them on a census before (we should, and will, soon). Those somafoni are saving our Core because THEY are taking the brunt of the stress and trauma, and yet they aren't alone in it this time-- WE are aware of them, and talking to them, and supporting them, and helping them heal as best we can, and trying so hard to protect them. We only started to do that in CNC; I do remember how novel it was to even THINK of talking to an esthiofoni. Now it's happening every time they show up. That's... immense, now that we think about it. It proves that system communication has dramatically improved since CNC and we didn't even realize it.
But as we were saying about the Core(s)... they're still entirely capable of love even if we are admittedly still grappling with some cathartic blocks due to family stress & religious fear. But that "even if" is amazing too. There's a devotion present, a dedication to love no matter what, a sort of courageously hopeful perseverance despite everything opposing it. No matter how bad of a day we might have, at the end of it, the Core is ALWAYS taking time to not only reconnect with the System at large, but to spend time with Chaos 0. They fall asleep together every night, and that is HUGE because in the past, broken Cores would be too ashamed to be near CZ. Now, that doesn't happen, even though we're struggling so much with body fear/ sickness/ loathing. I think we're more capable of mercy now, and compassion, even if we don't realize it.
OH. Someone said to write this down. We think a BIG part of this "not freezing up emotionally" is the fact that we have ANGRY FONI around. Somehow, that capacity for RAGE is burning through the apathetic risk??? Like, we CAN'T emotionally shut down because instead of doing that, someone is FEELING FIRE. And that's the Core element. That's a surprising thought. It makes sense though. God bless them.
We still need the capacity to feel sadness without drowning in it + triggering guilt/ shame/ religious terror + shutting down. We're emotionally crippled in that respect, even upstairs. This needs to be felt through & discussed further. Add that to the Xanga topic list.

We WANT TO and WILL have a Xanga ASAP btw. Life schedule hasn't allowed for it lately though; family stress, financial stress, and brutal insomnia have made it impossible to sit for ~6 hours of uninterrupted stream-of-consciousness transcription. But it's still a priority. Arguably I think the Core(s) want to finish this "important date" effort first, to get a stronger sense of self beforehand, and to refresh their awareness of collective history in general. We really did lose our general sense of "identity" post-CNC, and post-grandma, to be honest. We're slowly restoring it now.

Some other small but vital notes:
+ Sometimes in the morning, with all the steps of getting ready, our brain gets really discombobulated and we might end up in various states of undress because we can't pull our thoughts/actions together enough to complete that task. In the past Julie would try to front when this happened, but it would be very triggering for her. HOWEVER. APPARENTLY WALDORF CAN DO THIS NO PROBLEM. So she's literally been fronting when the body is undressed & we can't dress it immediately, because she doesn't wear clothes anyway and she's safe in that context. So GOD BLESS HER. We miss her so much regardless; it's actually wonderful for her to have SUCH a vital job, so we can see her more often and credit her with this to her honor.
+ GARRISON IS ALIVE. Jay has been "feeling hints of him" for a while? But the other night Jay "decided" to look for him/ "force the hand" of the Systemsoul (basically, "listen, I want to know if he can come back or not; show me RIGHT NOW if that's a yes or a no") and after some time Garrison DID "resurrect" IN LOWSPACE??? He's in the RUINED CITY, but it feels TIME-MANGLED??? Like it's POST-MASSACRE as well as post-CNC. Everything is ash-snow covered like nuclear fallout. The skyscrapers are hollowed out and blackened and fallen over. Everything is quiet and cold and there's a dread wind blowing and it's all so grey. And CANNON IS THERE, apparently "haunting" the hollow buildings Jay says? Like she's "damned herself" to that place. But it's SO WEIRD. This is NOT the "red apocalypse" place Scalpel keeps being haunted by, as the inheritor of Javier's trauma memories from the massacre. So WHAT'S GOING ON?? We NEED to look into this VIA HEADSPACE MEDITATION. To get data on this we have to LIVE IT. You cannot "reason it out." Logic won't get you answers here.
But Garrison IS ALIVE!!! Jay's showing me a memory that he "dropped down" into that "Lowspace-floatspace" (whatever/ wherever/ whenever it is) to meet him, and immediately gave him such a huge hug, haha. Tears of relieved joy from both of them. That's really touching.
We don't know about Isadora and Kalisha yet, but "a request has been put forwards." So we'll see.
ALSO. Archivists (Shirley/ Sirius/ Penny) and Communicators (Garrison/ Isadora/ Kalisha) are DIFFERENT CLASSES WITH DIFFERENT ROLES, and apparently there is a THIRD CLASS held by the "helmet girl/ commentator girl" and probably someone else (because trios are a big thing up here)??? So that's FASCINATING but it makes SO MUCH SENSE and the better we understand it, the better we'll function.

It's 2AM and we had dinner at 430-630 and it was the only meal we ate today and it was only 1000 calories. I don't think that's sustainable. We need to split it into two meals, and get at least 1200. We have to. But someone is saying "that's gluttonous" "stop being so luxurious" etc. Don't have a face for them yet. (THESE are the foni we have to pinpoint for a census; there are TONS of "discarnate" foni that slip under the radar)
I mention this because we're getting a headache & the body is cold. We may need to stop for tonight and sleep, so we can have a "breakfast" before 4pm. But someone is furious about that. We need to talk to these foni.
We ALSO need to CLARIFY COLOR ROLES so they HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO in the System. Too many "faceless foni" just default to Brown because they don't know where else to go. And there are SO MANY FILES STARTED on this laptop SPECIFICALLY ABOUT COLORS that were never finished. That's something I know Jay is aching to do, so put that on top priority too, with the Xanga.

A few last notes.
+ We got the strong impression that if Nathaniel comes back, his name/face would have to change again. We don't know why that's a thing with him but it might be because he was born a blepofoni.
+ Josephina's essence must have a name change for him/her to manifest. Jay says it's sticking to a "Y" as the first letter instead of J, to "prevent blurring with Cores" (that's their letter).
+ We have no current blepofoni and that's a big problem; it might even be affecting the Core's ability to stabilize. The Core(s) have been striving to make the reflection "more resonant" though, especially with the massively fluffy hair we currently have, haha. But blepofoni are essential so we need to keep an eye out for them, and keep the door open for them-- if there's no openness to seeing them, it'll block them out, and it is very hard to get through bad days/ have a distinct sense of self without a blepofoni in the mirror.
+ Siobhan is alive and around but we have to keep calling her into the main room in the mornings. We don't know why she disappeared for a while but we're glad she's still with us.
+ We're still not sure what's going to happen with Spine. The TBHU journal had some interesting thoughts about that-- it feels like she might "come back different" too, with how so much has changed since she first manifested. This, too, requires more feeling than thinking to get a grip on.
+ Still not sure if, when the System FINALLY "moves CLEARLY into a new era" (we need a HARD SHIFT remember; we never got one after the several successive losses from 2018-2024), there will be duotone foni.
+ Still not sure if there is a somafoni split in truth, or if everyone is just a nousfoni. We think there are far less somafoni than we realize-- that term might (should) ONLY apply to foni who think they are singlets and act as such. Everyone else, even koinofoni who live primarily IN the body, should STILL be grouped in with the System at large.
+ Re-reading 2012, we don't know if the Eros bloodline is technically separate from the Jays or what. That whole topic is still a minefield but that color shut down after CNC and ANY sort of Spectrum hue-loss is deadly. We need that color back. Funny how history repeats itself in little ways. It's beautiful, actually, in this case; it feels like things are poetically coming back together, through repeats of our past, connecting our "now" to our "then" in a united whole.
+ IT SNOWED TODAY. Jay is very happy about this. It's actually still snowing a tiny bit right now. Snow makes him feel "real"; he says it makes "everything feel real." It makes him feel grounded and alive and connected to "the big picture"; it "gets him in touch with eternity." I can feel a bright ache in his heart as he says that, which is good. I know he can't wait until Infi comes back entirely. Honestly we're all waiting. Infinitii is essential to our System; when ze comes back, I can guarantee you things will change dramatically and quickly. It's inevitable. But Infi will have to heal too; ze has a lot of damage that was never dealt with, and that we all need to deal with alongside hir. But we will. It's time. It has to be. Do we have the right to "decide" that? Laurie says, "why not?" It's because there's a religious fear that "God will stop us from healing" because it's "not His timing." Laurie says, "well, we have to try. I think God would want us to finally heal from this so we can function for heaven's sakes, and do what He wants us to do with our life." And again, like I said before, there are "peripheral" foni we can sense, thriskefoni with vague colors and faces and no names, that we cannot clarify but who are definitely there. Man... there's more going on in our head on a daily basis than we realize. That's exciting though. Someone else says it's frightening, terrifying. DON'T YOU DARE SHUT US DOWN she's right, NO ONE has ANY right or authority to "prevent other people from existing." The "gatekeeper girl" especially. We all remember Christina's attempted "soft massacres" and the actual one that Jessica & Cannon inflicted in 2013. No more of that, ever. We let us exist. Have mercy for heaven's sakes. You claim to follow God, where is your mercy? You who are so ready to pick up the knife and slaughter the rest of us? "You're not real," they say. "Define real," someone else retorts, "considering you're just like us." They're screaming protest in response. I wonder if they're our biggest threat here. I wonder if they're also the ones pushing the starvation compulsions. Different ones than these, but same class, for sure.
Too much for 230AM. But I don't want to ignore it. Let us pause and listen. Jay is reaching out, asking. (He always does; I think that's a big part of his job as the Heart.) "What makes you real, and us not? Can't you see me?" and fear response on their part. No words. But that was a good reply. Laurie is saying to stop commenting and close up so we can continue working and get some sleep for heaven's sakes. That's a good idea.

This is a good entry. We haven't had a solid entry in a while, even just notes like this.
We'll do better in the future, once the Core(s) stabilize. I promise that. It's something we want very much and will achieve through love and effort and the grace of God. We haven't "lost" all of this beauty we're reading from our past. It's still very much who we are. We can, and will, be that again-- and even better, as we continue to heal and love and grow together.

For now, Laurie is right. We need to wrap this up and let the body rest, no matter how much we want to keep working. If we go to bed now, we won't have to sleep in as much, and we'll have earlier time to work tomorrow, which is better for focus and processing ability. So we will do that.

Good night everyone. We're very glad to be alive tonight. We have a lot of hope.

(Jay says Spotify keeps playing Chaos 0's songs and let me tell you, if anyone is proof that our heart is alive, it's Jay. Yeah we're still confused on bloodlines and bodymind splits and all that, but this white-haired prism-hearted boy-- however he may evolve and change in the future-- is so full of light and love and color and truth, when he feels things this powerfully we are all affected by the power of it. The fact that he didn't die is phenomenal. he's proof that we have a future. that's just how it is. he's alive and so are we. that's a good note to close up on.)
(no, even better-- the lyrics in this song. "i can tell, i can feel, you are love, you are real." the look those two are giving each other is a beautiful thing. that's worth living for, is the thought i get. it is. and we need to protect that, and we all need to live in that too. we'll get there. we'll rebuild better than things were even in the past, in the glory days. there's more light on the horizon than we realize. things have seemed so dark for so long, but no, the stars are still all shining in the sky. there's always hope. hope is a fighting thing. remember what jay told anxi-- remember what our core is for anxi, and vice versa. realize everything beautiful we still have now, and don't let go. whatever happens tomorrow, we are all together, and we are alive, and we will continue on no matter what, into eternity. love is eternal and we have it now. don't be afraid. you know the truth. live in it. fight for it. that's who we are, and always will be.)

Friday the thirteenth.
Really aching missing Josephina. But I know s/he HAS a potential rebirth seed STILL in Yellow.
I haven't seen him/her (yes their gender needs to stabilize and it's unsure) in a while, but they're in whatever "neither here nor there" floatspace that Infi is in. I think? Jo's in a more "dreamy" space; it's less "tangible" than wherever Infi is? And they COULD NOT MEET, I can feel that clearly. It's very strange.
Nevertheless, they aren't "dead," not "permanently." Their souls are too strongly loved, too important to us all, for them to disappear or even be recycled. They just need to wait until the good Lord decides they can resurrect, with new names and faces inevitably but still the hearts we know and love. Change is necessary, when a nousfoni dies. We know this. It doesn't make the loss any easier though.
Still. I am grateful for that. It means we aren't hardened to death, even though we have a hope of life afterwards. To be nonchalant about death, even a temporary one, would mean our own hearts were lifeless.


Notably more tired & weak today than usual. Run home was tough.

Last night= watched both Kubo and the Two Strings and The Tale of Princess Kaguya.
Kubo kept freezing and skipping chunks of the movie?? Some library discs do that and we don't know why. So we missed some important scenes, which was the worst bit-- almost for spite, it would freeze and skip at KEY POINTS in the film, notably three times during the ending.
Still, the animation was amazing and the "family" plotline really tugged at our heart; we've never had a family dynamic IRL, so that "mom & dad" togetherness is alien to us. Deep down I think some part of us wants it more than anything though, even though it's impossible.
...
Kaguya was unexpectedly lovely, but it hurt. Yes the beginning was VERY DISTURBING for us as a trauma survivor, solely because of the culture shock of casual nudity. But besides that, the art style was unexpectedly wonderful to watch, and I swear EVERY SCENE where they showed the sheer wild beauty of the Japanese countryside had us aching with affection. Nature is so beautiful, oh my gosh, the delicate details made it so much worse, we were almost in tears several times from the pure and simply beauty of existence portrayed on screen.
...
Both films emphasized the importance of human relationships and human emotions. Needless to say, both those topics have been a sword in our heart for months now.


REMEMBER LAST NIGHT= EMOTIONS WITH THE FLOWERS IN KAGUYA. All the blooming made me think so powerfully & instinctively of Infinitii. My heart instantly thought of Them standing there and it was so clear I could swear they were really there. I reached out towards them and I felt my heart absolutely MOVE. There's no other way to describe it it was an emotion so deep it was like an upheaval. In the instant I knew with complete conviction that "if I touched them, I would fall in love so hard it would kill me."

Evening =
Watched Song of the Sea.
SO MUCH CASUAL CATHOLIC IMAGERY. It was an intrinsic yet unstated part of the very landscape. It gave me such immense joy to see. I want that in the League.
Mac Lir weeping in anguish was like a sword to the chest. You NEVER hear men cry in movies, ESPECIALLY NOT THAT PAINFULLY. It did something to my heart. I needed it.
On a lighter note, I love the daoine sídhe trio, especially Lug, they were beautifully animated and wonderfully characterized.
Also WHY IS MY VERY SOUL ALWAYS ACHING FOR IRELAND??? It's been like this since at LEAST 2002!! Honestly I resonate with it SO HARD it hurts-- the landscape, the language, the music, everything. I don't know how to explain it.

Also I legit think we're getting sick. The weakness is worsening, as is the intestinal pain & nausea. It was so bad during breakfast we could barely eat. We feel flushed too. I hope this isn't bloody COVID again, seriously.
No fever though. Thank God.

I just looked outside at the grey-blue overcast twilight and thought, "It's Dunwall weather," haha. TIS THE SEASON.
Man but I miss that game terribly. That and NiER Gestalt. Just like Ireland, something in those games resonates so much with our heart.
Still, NOTHING BEATS KLONOA DTP. That's Jewel's heart. To this day, it resonates with more brilliance and joy and depth than anything else.
We really need to sit and play it all the way through soon. We haven't in many many years. If anything is going to remind us of who we were, back then before everything started to darken, that undoubtedly will.

 
Bradycardia last night
inexplicable. literally dropped to 44. couldn't even breathe. convinced we were going to die

Woke up ABSOLUTELY SEASICK

drove to aldi after small bk (on the low-fiber diet today)
Intuitive stop
Had BROTH THAT WE'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO!!! THANK GOD
Also Gatorade & babyfood for emergency calories

Walmart = more babyfood meat, more electrolytes
basically just stocking up for pre & post procedure

Rushed small lunch & got back into car
Gastro called on the drive up, concerned about our symptoms
Burning pain in lungs? Chills, exhausted, shaky. Chest feels funny. Still SO FREAKIN LIGHTHEADED

MASS AT DVM!
GADARENE GOSPEL. Meant so much to hear.
Homily short & sweet as always "great faith works wonders"
left letter in mailbox. No one knows but me & God. Secret acts of kindness

Shoprite stop
Got oat bran, powerade & cottage cheese
Fortunes not on sale anymore
BUT THEY ARE AT REDNERS! Got em there

Home
Still so so dizzy & sick
Called geisinger, spoke to nurse
Said our symptoms were "highly concerning" and sent us to URGENT CARE

Read "the real jesus" while we waited

Realizing we haven't been in a hospital environment with the system since 2021????
WHO THE HECK EVEN FRONTS IN DOCTORS OFFICES???

mom called
Met us at apartment
WOULDNT STOP TALKING
WOULD'NT LEAVE
felt so bad, torn between survival and social niceties
it was so so so traumatic to eat in that context, immediate dissociative panic
BRIEF MELTDOWN IN KITCHEN
self-abusing and total lack of environmental comprehension
mom immediately went cold & sharp
"This is just as bad as living with [Jade]."
"Yeah well thats because I'm mentally ill too"

Numbing out in car, thousand yard stare, TOTAL disconnection from body
Dissociated for most of ER drive
mom left us off without a word really

Got ekg, bloodwork, xray
Totally depersonalized for ALL of it

Now sitting in waiting room for 3.5 hours reading December entries to get back in touch with our heart
it's working. thanks be to God.
note to selves: whenever a numb-ass social comes up who wants to deny the system you REMIND THEM OF WHAT A VACUOUS HELLSCAPE "LIFE" IS WITHOUT THE SYSTEM.
i needed this so so so much. thank you God.
i love all of us. i really do.

BRIEF HEADSPACE "FLASHES"
MIMIC & JOSEPHINA?????
Jo in the "Gimmelwald safe place" w the tiny yellow flowers. Ghostly. "This is all I have left of me"??? Forsythia vibes all-around him. Felt like a dream. Sudden "shocked awake"
With Mimic we were floating in unformed space?? What's the name for that? happened out of nowhere. probably because my brain is a mess right now. 
I was all LIGHT, with RED hair!!! He was indigo and black; luminous but not OF light like I was
I embraced him suddenly & said something to him like "i don't want to lose you" "i don't want you to die" still always so shocked by how soft he is up close
He pushed me back a bit, by the shoulders, giving me that hard-edged look "why do you care?" Forget the words. But it was that resistance; that knee-jerk attempted denial, out of vulnerability fear.
But. Then he started to legit tear up. I'm serious. like something cracked.
Said like "I can't hide things in here"?? Confessed, reluctantly and with gritted teeth, that he couldn't shut down or ignore emotions or painful truths here. Whatever this place was.
I saw him so clearly, it was unreal.
"I do care about you"

Later
Out of NOWHERE he pulls me back into floatspace and bluntly kisses ME on the chest
IMMEDIATE NEW SOUL WINGS WTF
shock of it threw me out of floatspace temporarily
Things getting so conceptual. More dreams than anything else. Seeing tears running down mimics face. He seemed almost in shock. obviously not-all-there in his head. too much bleedover emotion. symptom of being too long in this space, especially around me, infamously so
Immediately realizing how much I effervesce in floatspace
Going into MOBIAN form??? Oddly Digimon-esque. Angelic. Same size as him now. Took face in my hands, he looked confused and almost defensive frustrated but also about to sob
"if you stay in this space for too long you'll pick up too much of me"
"define too much" with a dry aching laugh
caught me totally off guard
"You'll lose yourself"
"Myself HURTS."
Here you can FEEL the pain of walls and a closed heart. It honestly hurts. Floatspace mandates vulnerability? which he would never choose on his own. But now that he was in it he NEEDED to feel it??? Like a planetary weight being lifted from his cloaked shoulders. Just letting himself break a little. Letting the light in at last.
...well geez Louise I guess I did threaten this haha



Remember from the other day with Lynne:
CELLOS are VERMILLION; VIOLINS are ORANGE???

Mimic being able to "ghost without learning" is because I'M FRONTING IN THE BODY??? Makes bodylife a "LIMINAL SPACE" and THAT'S WHY THE APARTMENT SOLITUDE IS SO BLOODY IMPORTANT

Thinking about Jesus, here in the ER. Distressed, as usual, that i feel like I don't "know Him" as a PERSON. I know His teachings, i hear them every day, but... I'm struggling to know his personality. Is that valid? Is that important? No one EVER talked about this in our Catholic upbringing. Everyone tells you "Jesus loves you," etc. But it's like a theory, just an empty sentence, when you've never MET the guy. How can I have a personal relationship with Jesus otherwise?
...and once again I know Headspace is our saving grace here.
I CAN meet Him up here. I HAVE met Him.
...
...I'm also thinking, with staggering love and awe, how I actually know Christ more than I ever realized before because, if God is Love and Light itself, then... all of the loving and brilliant things I treasure in others ORIGINATE IN HIM. which means, I hopefully surmise, that HE ACTS IN THOSE SAME WAYS, but PERFECTLY so.
...I'm imagining Him in those circumstances. Those moments where heaven feels close enough to touch. Those moments where my heart feels like a supernova or tidal wave or Christmas tree. In every one of those blessed moments, HE IS THERE. At the core of all beauty, there is God.
...I'm imagining Him protecting me like Laurie. Consoling me. Fiercely reassuring me of Truth with hot tears in His ardent eyes and His hands strongly holding me from falling.
...

Quotes from entry that MUST DESCRIBE CHRIST AS WELL:
-courage. 
-absolute victorious faith.
-the persistent hope despite all odds.
-the incredible charity in the face of violent evil.
-love is stronger than death and more powerful than anything
-the God of compassion and forgiveness and mercy,
-refuse to stand down or compromise it. 
-they set their faces like flint against machetes and bombs and rifles. and there's no bitterness in it. 
-it's gorgeous. it's heartbreaking and jubilant all at once.
-the absolute strength of divine meekness, seen only as "weakness" in the eyes of the world, and yet unconquerable by it.



ALSO BINGETALK FROM THIS
https://prismaticbleed.dreamwidth.org/187246.html
THE ED WAS SO BAD IN CNC BECAUSE
1. ISOLATED QUIET MANDATES SELF AWARENESS AND WE WERE TOO TRAUMATIZED TO COPE
2. FORCING EATING IS A RAPE ANALOGY
3. BINGES FORCE EMOTIONAL SHUTDOWN & DISSOCIATION
4. BINGES ALLOW US TO "RELIVE" RAPE TRAUMA IN A "CONTROLLABLE CONTEXT" (ALLEGEDLY) AND THEREFORE ATTACH THE PANIC AND TERROR RESPONSES TO IT THAT WERE OTHERWISE BURIED & DENIED
5. PURGES "DESTROY" THE TRAUMATIC INVASION
6. THE WHOLE DAMN THING WAS A SURVIVAL MECHANISM
7. DON'T HATE YOURSELF FOR BEING SO UNSTABLE AND ADDICTED WHEN YOU WERE LEGIT JUST TRYING TO STAY RELATIVELY SANE
8. OH YEAH AND BINGES SHUT DOWN HEADSPACE. SO IF WE EXPERIENCED THE TRAUMA AS A SYSTEM, THE LITERAL MEMORIES ARE INACCESSIBLE DURING A BINGE


On ER hall bed later
LYNNE SERIOUSLY CHOOSING ORANGE
"I WANT TO PROTECT THE BROWNS"
She CANNOT hold her original "intended" role because she BECAME HER OWN PERSON
Not cerise at all
Vermilion close but totally different JOB
on stage, with violin, "THIS ISN'T ME"
NOT A SOCIAL!! NOT A PERFORMER!!
NEEDS / WANTS TO CLARIFY & PURIFY ORANGE IN THAT RESPECT
Missing Spine so much she's in tears
Seeing her "ghostlike" in flashes?
"She can't stay dead; I love her too much"


330AM WE'RE DISCHARGED AT LAST
AND IT IS SNOWING OUTSIDE HALLELUJAH!
Both Genesis & Mimic are happy about this; Gen is HYPE but Mim is playing it cool aha. Still I see his eyes light up. That day meant a lot to all of us

Astra is picking us up God bless em
Otherwise we'd have to wait until 6am for a bus but we are DEAD TIRED SON
Gonna sleep until noon 

"nsfw" warning for open discussion of intimacy.

 

1228. thursday.



We woke up around 8:30, and spent approximately 20 minutes in the frigid beautiful dawn, deciding whether or not we should go for a run.
...Actually, that's the problem. We didn't decide. Our poor sleepy social frontrunner(s) was/were trying to decide on his/her/their own, worried about whether or not it was "bad" to leave the Arrows alone and asleep, to get food for later in the day, to have any sort of opinion or preference or decisive thought. They were asking for "signs from God" to "tell them what to do," something Tilly and Iscah used to do constantly-- looking for "yes" or "no," "stay" or "go" in the words they saw on printed packages all around them, not trusting a single one because "what if it's my brain wanting to see a certain result?" Those poor frightened good-hearted souls. They are so afraid, so afraid to do the "wrong thing" that the simple reality of an undefined reality terrifies them. They want morality laid out in front of them clear-cut and unquestionable, undoubtable... but they look for righteousness with their mind, not their hearts. Their poor hearts are so full of love but it's getting choked under the whirling moral fear of their thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with buying food. There is nothing wrong with going for a run. There is nothing wrong with liking the cold air against your face, and there is nothing wrong with being too tired and chilled to want to throw yourself back into it after 5 hours of sleep. There is nothing wrong with waking, or resting, or sitting, or exercising, or eating, or fasting, or anything. Life is life is life-- it's all the purest white, a blank canvas, a blank musical score, an empty plate, all of it waiting with utmost divine affection for us to decide. 
That's the beautiful terrible beloved reality of life, of free will, of human consciousness, of the infinite possibility of the world, of the unfathomable palette of existence. It's all a work of art waiting to happen. It needs an artist, and That Which Is-- God, or Goddess, or Source, or Light, or whatever you may wish to call that primordial spark of the cosmos, that original Artist, that first Musician-- couldn't help but create a universe full of artists to join in the joyous act. 
We adore that. Creation creating itself, ad infinitum, through us. An endless dance. 
So it's inherently blank. Not white, not black. It's clear, like a prism, and we're all lights passing through it, splitting our lives into swathes of color. Everything and anything we do contributes to it, and none of it is judged, none of it is labeled as "good" or "bad"... none of it, that is, save for what our own mind labels it as.
We have a lot of thoughts on this, from years upon years of feeling and thinking both, and there's no time or space to expand on it here furthermore... but for now, suffice to say that those frontrunners of ours this morning were unable to trust their own hearts, were unable to see themselves as capable of doing anything But the "wrong thing." They were labeling all their paints as "bad" before they even opened them. Poor beloved fellow souls of ours. We adore them. We know their hearts. We feel their aching desire to be harmless and helpful, to be kind and true and good and pure, but they have let fear in, and fear only knows itself. Therefore, whatever decision they made, they would second-guess it. They would be too scared to surrender to the quiet warmth of their hearts, to listen to That echoed within them, to realize that whatever they ultimately chose, the canvas had opened its own heart to them and sang, paint. Create. Choose a color, any color, and continue me. 
God doesn't mind if you run or walk or rest or sleep or eat or not. God just wants you to act according to your heart, to your dearly beloved heart, for it can do no wrong. We firmly believe that. It is the core of our faith.
If God is Love, and our hearts are built for Love, then if we act upon that Love, everything and anything we do is sacred. Every choice we make is holy. 

To wake up with that lesson... we had no idea how relevant it would remain for the rest of the morning.

We went for the run. Someone wanted to get bacon and ginger and cinnamon and lettuce, and so we wrapped ourselves up in Kyo's scarf and Jewel's red boots and we jogged down to the local grocery store to do so.

We don't remember the run up, save for passing a fellow jogger by the bus stop, and we don't remember much of being in the store itself. Our brain was tired and confused and still scared, tangled up in "do I buy for the family or for myself," scared of making a foolish decision, scared of acting on impulse, scared of being spontaneous, scared of being neglectful. Memory recalls them buying two Christmas candles that were on sale, left over from that one day two weeks ago or so when we planned on buying them but had no money for luxuries. So basketed them both (one red spice, one vanilla cookie) and then memory cuts out again.
We don't remember coming home and going to bed or waking up. What few things we do recall are so soaked in guilt that we're being begged not to write them down, but we have to be honest, we can't hide anymore. They bought bananas and a tiny tin of oats with the intention of making banana bread, and one ripe orange to see if they still liked the taste (Iscah did; she likes everything, and the other socials still haven't differentiated between her preferences and their own), as well as a package of oregano for the same purpose, and four mini-pizzas for the family. They did get the bacon, and the candles, and the ginger & cinnamon, and that's all we can remember. It's not shameful, loves, I promise. They're just so guilty about buying oats; they knew they'd get in huge trouble if Oliver found out, so they hid them in the closet. They're crying upstairs, loves it's okay. You just wanted to try once more, remembering that one time Someone liked them, but someone else got horribly sick from them, but you don't want to hate anything, you want to know the truth, you wanted to check now that our brain is in a better place. But loves, oh loves, you bought it with fear, with guilt, with shame. You'll never know if it's healed, or if anyone likes it, if that's the mindset you go into it with. And you don't trust our intuition either, which is wincing at the thought of eating them again, remembering past contexts of pain and fear and compulsion. But, again, Iscah liked it, she treasured it, and you just want to learn to do the same. Not now, loves. Now's not the proper time, not if you're still terrified. Once your heart can release that shameful panic, you can learn properly, that door will be open. But it's okay. We forgive you. You're safe and loved and you did nothing wrong. We promise. Everything you did was done out of love, too, even if it didn't know how to safely apply itself. We love you, and we know you love us and the Arrows and everyone too. It's okay. You're good. We love you.  

So we don't remember going to bed, or waking up later. All we remember is sudden groggy kisses and someone, some poor social, wanting to cry from it because they were wracked with guilt and shame and couldn't feel that pure affection in return although they were begging God to, and then suddenly our beloved System anthem of Familiarity was playing in their head and Lotusheart was called out to that confetti chorus, that soaring heart-wrenching prayer, and it broke our heart wide open and suddenly he could return the love pressing softly against our lips and chest and self, God knows I mean it, God help me feel it, and our memory is just as soft with golden light in response, tearful and joyful and desperate to hold this forever, forever.

And then Infinitii showed up, soft and black and just as sleepy in the body, but with a mouth full of grinning loving teeth and the next thing we knew, Omen was there and she pulled Infi onto their chest and suddenly we woke up, aware and in love, and fangs met skin and we were alive again. Thank God for daemons. Thank God.
They just adore each other. There's always fangs tearing at flesh with the ardent desire to get beneath that, to blood and pulse points, but there's no malice, no harm-- just love, always love. The two of them, all kisses and claws, smoky shadowy laughter and snowy frigid gasps and humming and growling and I love you, where are your wings, why can't you be closer, this isn't fair, I love you--

Then suddenly we're hearing them saying that it isn't just Omen, that it's Kris and Oliver and Hiccup and who is around for us, where are We? 
Immediately Chaos Zero shows up, feeling like the ocean in our chest, saying that there's more of us around than you think," and then Genesis is on his heels, smirking golden bright and biting their cheek in a kiss, and then Laurie was there for a moment, and I was there, and Celebi was there, and then suddenly EVERYONE was there, wanting to feel this love, to give our love, to be part of this, to make this everyone's.
Everyone in Central moved through. Lynne, Spine, Javier, Josephina, Celebi, Nathaniel, Leon, Waldorf, Julie, Sherlock, Wattson, Eros, Kyaneos, Algorith, Jude... Knife, Razor, Mulberry, Jeremiah, Wreckage, Leanne... even the kids, David and Marigold and Simeon & Sylvain and Toby and Ashen, all of them shyly moved through too in the quieter moments, happy and hugging our partner System, deeply simply joyfully happy that they were safe, they were loved, and they could feel it.
Lynne pointedly kissing Omen with this secret sneaky joy at kissing a 'girl' in another System, Nathaniel learning to live openly, not as quiet and docile as he usually stays, hidden in green... Waldorf finally feeling herself, eyes red as rubies and smiling with her own teeth as she returned kisses without hesitation. Julie purposefully anchoring her lipstick and earrings into her overlay, refusing to reject her complete self anymore, tearfully treasuring the fact that even looking like this, a color scheme switch away from looking like she did as the ultimate nightmare of our nascent System, she was truly and completely loved, and she felt the same in return. Sherlock taking off his glasses and trying as hard as he could to truly feel this love too, to saturate his Gray with hidden color and light... Wattson there alongside him, smiling warmly at his friend's quiet scholarly courage, himself unafraid to show affection colored the same sunlit-page glow as he. Eros fronting for the first time in ages, still unsure on his name but being fiercely anchored into his true color, richly Cerise and feeling it in every atom as he channeled it through his every action... Jude fronting for the first time ever since his birth, not knowing himself yet but knowing he had been called here, knowing this was love and that was what he was born from and into, and he let it happen and let himself reciprocate simply but truly. Kyaneos wobbly in fronting as well, only there for a moment but feeling like a breath full of sky...Algorith smirking in amusement as she felt her goggles brushing against their face as they kissed her, felt how strange but lovely it was against her own robotic mouth. 
Josephina ended up being spoken to at some point, and I can feel his nervous surprised happy laughter as he returned a love bite in spite of his hesitance, in spite of feeling he "didn't deserve to be in such a position," realizing that he was in fact included in this global love and he had every right to embrace that. Leon, too, suddenly being wrapped in an embrace, breathing deep to still his shaking nerves, bravely relaxing into that closeness that was still so alien to him, learning. Spine curiously feeling hands on skin that she personally did not own, amazed at it. Javier feeling kisses on our collarbones and momentarily being surprised that their teeth didn't catch on his dermal studs, feeling his own snakebites and tongue stud and bridge piercings every time he ardently kissed them back, or when they peppered his/our own face with tiny kisses of their own. Altairre was hovering behind him, then in place of him, learning how to be in a body, learning about his own body, his huge broad red shoulders the only things clearly anchoring in, the suggestion of massive armor-like hands over our body's own. everything else about him still a mystery.
And I swear Scalpel was there, too. He's been in Javier's peripheral vision lately, seen only by him, his Red prince, this leader of the Darkspacers. We have no clear memory of him fronting, but there's the smallest bit of data that he did, just for a moment, a fiercely glad kiss, defying everything lurking in the depths he ruled over, a simple profound testament to what we were and would forever be in glorious spite of any and all terrors we did and will survive.
Knife was only there for a moment (and later, kissing the knuckles of their soft white hands), but he was entirely his color, claret pink, dark and soft and sweet. Razor followed him, also only there for a moment, letting herself curl up like a purring cat in the latter half of a kiss that felt just as warm as their hands soft in her blood-red shock of childlike-messy hair. Mulberry's twirling hair and facial scruff locking in immediately as she fronted, herself content to be there albeit surprised, wondering why she had been isolating herself from this. Jeremiah suddenly fearlessly soft in his own Cerise tone, kissing and being kissed, knowing there was no danger here. David knowing he wasn't comfortable with kisses on the mouth but still wanting to feel this love, and Joshua moved in affectionately to share that with him while returning that gesture in his stead. Marigold hugging the Arrows and smiling with her face in their shoulder, and Toby quietly moving in with her, suddenly alive and not knowing this but knowing he needed this, to be loved, to be safe and warm. 
Simeon & Sylvain showed up sometime elsewhen, with Infinitii, as they had spoken about this previously. Infi affectionately embraced them with one arm and let them share in hir deep black love, safely for them, but just as deep and pure as they needed to know. Both of them feeling it entirely, like anise gumdrops on their tongue, sweet and spiced and light and heavy all at once. They held each other inside and smiled, knowing four years ago they had been torn in two, separated by sudden death and despair, and now they were together, and alive, and loved and safe and free. Both of them such a soft light creamy yellow tint against that velvet black, both of them like french vanilla and banana cream pie, little sweet fluffy things held in the arms of something fathomlessly rich and dark, perfectly happy.


Rio and Markus were there, both of them feeling more joy than they even expected of themselves, finally feeling that they belonged, not just with us but here, with them, exactly as they were, as whoever they'd grow into being as we all continued in this loving growing process. Markus's back tattoos and chest scars and warm dark skin tone searing into our collective memory, Rio's lovely shaggy smoke-blue hair and paler delicate but craft-calloused fingers doing the same. Both of them so belovedly real, our collective heart treasuring this, missing them.
Their Daemons, too, were so clear and real, relishing their time with Omen, learning how to Be more strongly than ever. Lethe moving like dark blue poured out, all spindly legs but heavy and darkly elegant as water. Medallion fronted more than she Ever has before, shockingly lithe and graceful, all points and edges but still as poised as a dancer. She holds the body's hands so uniquely, almost cradling our beloveds with the sides of our hands, the flats of her blades. And yes, she too has learned how to facemouth, but I can still feel her actual main stomachmouth dormant and unusable when she fronts. Lethe, too, as well as the rest of his long insectoid body that does't translate.
On that note, both Rupture and Cake tried to front, but were too strange in form to come through so easily and suddenly, especially since neither of them have experience in a human form before. Rupture's overlay was a terrific burst of nonsense below our plexus, totally nonhuman, a crablike clatter of legs-- and if that wasn't bad enough, she cannot get a facemouth to work at all, and kept trying to talk out of her throat like she normally would. But she was aware that this wasn't the shape she was currently borrowing, even though the huge dissonance made her consciousness terribly hazy, and she was both surprised and intrigued by this. In memory, I can feel her filing this away in her mind, thinking upon it, what it means to Be, now, tangibly and real even away from her nebulous heart-host. And Cake, too, body too lithe and long to understand legs or  bipedal arm structure, let alone such a small face, still trying to figure herself out in the first place... but trying nevertheless, called in by the other Daemons' existences, herself also now feeling glimmers of wanting to Be, briefly wondering Who she was, who she was bound to, what it meant for her to exist at all now... wondering at her own shape, her own color, how many eyes she would have on her face should she choose to open some. Both of those monstrous girls only there for a few seconds, if that, but both of them remembered dearly, both of them real.
Nexus was there too, and Axis and Chocoloco and Iolite and Jess, every Daemon losing themselves in the ardor of things, all of them always madly in love with each other, and every nousfoni flooding with grateful relief at this love that they too were now a part of, seen and treasured for exactly who they were, unafraid.
Nexus didn't front long, unusually, choosing to let his fellows have the spotlight, choosing to stay within with Laurie, who was also mostly missing from this whole affair, hesitantly learning what she could and couldn't do, learning the difference between fear and simple preference and function clashes. But Jess and Iolite were there, not for long but long enough, both of them temporarily but truly releasing their frustration and sorrow to feel a new but complete love and acceptance that they'd previously only felt from their Daemons, both of them tearful with happiness, arms flung around the shoulders that embraced them in turn, their colors clear and healthy and good.
Axis and his skeletal fingers, huge and weirdly fused at the metacarpals, looking like bleached bone or plaster or old ruins, covered in tiny plants and fungi and moss and fluttering insects, his eyes deep spruce-green and surprisingly soft with compassion. Chocoloco, too, feeling more love than anyone previously expected of him, all coffee-harsh anger and fierce red-slash eyes, but here he was melted chocolate and cherry jelly and there was a depth to the kisses he delivered like his throat opened up into an endless warmth, deep down. A totally different vastness than Infinitii, a striking contrast to Axis's flung-open birdcage ribs, to Nexus's galaxian entrails studded with gold-hot lanterns. All of them so strange, so clear, so real. God bless Daemons, I'll say it forever. There's something about them, even just touching this form so temporarily with their lives, that makes us, too, feel like we're more real than ever, like we're something etched into the very essence of things, lead-lined stained glass figures in the church of existence. Indelible and true. It's a blessed wonder.

The Archivist trio showed up at one point, too-- Garrison first, almost as hesitant as Leon but driven by the love and pursuit of understanding, of System knowledge, and ended up getting his lip bitten, aha. He took it like a champ, learning that this was something others in both our Systems did in love, and I can feel his mind and heart opening a bit more in that memory, becoming less tense, less paranoid. Bless our Archivists, they all have Protector hearts in their own way.
Isadora and Kalisha were there too, of course, but they ended up in embraces, and Isadora had a split second of actual disappointment at not being kissed before smiling and laughing genuinely and just melting into that hug. Love is love and she was glad to have it, to be there. She actually drew Kalisha in with her, the two fronting side by side, and then unexpectedly, Kalisha in turn reached out to find Karissa! She hasn't been around in many many months, but those name sisters have forged a sort of passive fondness, and so even if our Chartreuse Protector wasn't all there, this experience still touched her heart too, and if anything can wake up a dormant nousfoni to themselves and the world, it's being loved On the outside. So we'll see how this affects her in the future.

One after another, flowing like blood and water and sunlight, a quiet multitude moved through this newly-beloved body to experience that same affection and compassion and devotion anew, whether or not we'd ever touched it before. Every time is the first time. That's the miraculous thing about it. It never gets old, never ceases to amaze us, never ceases to hit us as clear and true as an arrow to the heart.

And then Infinitii was back and someone was asking us, had been meaning to ask us for a long time now, can we do something, do you trust us, and the quiet careful deliberate emotion in their voice was like a singing glass in our heart and we said yes, Infi said yes, (please, whatever you want, I want), I trust you, we trust you, we love you too.

 

...I cannot even put into words how suddenly, starkly alive and adored we felt.

 

So many of us were there. So many of us. It was a total shock, but thank God it happened. 
Infinitii was there at the start, but suddenly and totally, Julie was there. Thinking about it, I'm not surprised. This is the sort of thing that her original days as a Tar-corrupted hacker were inundated with. In the past, the very thought of this would have had us kicking and screaming and looking for knives or pills or worse. We had suffered this enough, never again.
...Except that's not what this is. It's NEVER what this is. What we were experiencing now was love, total and pure, and Julie knew it, and if anyone in the System was going to make damn sure that was crystal clear, it was her.

But... Lord. So many of us were there. Lynne and Spine, Waldorf and Josephina, Eros, Markus... and then when the Arrows moved to kiss us, suddenly Celebi was there, her heart strangely aching and determined, and she said no, don't stop. Go back. I need to know what this is like. I need to know.
And it hit me, that even if she didn't live through the beginning of 2012, her heart did. Her bloodline did, inevitably. Tar-mangled or not, her soul was affected by both the love and pain of that time, and she had just as much a right and reason and responsibility as Julie to be there right now. 


...There's so little literal memory, at least, nothing that translates into structured language. Everything is color, light, emotion. 



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(rough notes, from the Arrow's writing on this, as their memory is inevitably different than ours)

(currently unfinished; it's 6am so we will refine this later.)


(eucharist feelings again, on both sides apparently. "being/essence/spirit." SEAWATER.)


omen, oliver, kristanova, hiccup, kyo. the fact that all of them were there... what that does to our heart is inexpressible, but we have to try. 
just... all of them. they love us that much. ALL of them. and god we adore them all too, we hope they know, we need to make sure they know, they deserve that so dearly.



javier after, embracing them like his heart would break, "thank you so much for this being the next morning." choked with tears.
swearing we'd never leave them, ever. "you have all of our heartbeats" and "we just want ours to beat next to yours."
"four years ago there wasn't much left behind that." his FEELING that time, that emptiness, barely 10 left.


(feeling their heartbeat, after, pounding and sincere. genuinely shocked that THEY were feeling for US in this. that hadn't even crossed our mind. that's sadly telling as to our past, to expect that this sort of thing was devoid of emotion from the other, but what bliss in that assumption being proven false.)

infi laughing like every easter carillon in the universe. the joy endless, all love and light like stars brilliant against the limitless cosmos. ze could not keep it in, could not help it, could not stop. it was beautiful.
"good things come in threes"
hir eyes were open. just like at the eclipse. feeling so completely, totally hirself, that hir overlay was flat-out eyes and teeth both and ze couldn't be otherwise. couldn't be half, as ze was feeling too whole.

oliver asking if "this was one of the things ze hoped for" 
later when he told me this, i immediately remembered this, the first time that was openly referenced in any form. lord we were terrified even that recently.



"this is like the first time i was with jay" 
"this is what i am-- pure transmutation"
the FEELING in those statements. god.


JULIE'S DAEMON. 
I FELT HER TEETH.
we were worried about her; since her "birth" last week or so she's been almost impossible to see. but now, good lord, today she came through clear as anything, hard as infi almost. she's still half (hot pink) viperfish and that mouth is Unmistakable in her overlay. all those huge needle teeth. and her other half appearance-wise is a feathered serpent, and that too is obvious-- she feels so sinuous when fronting, so elegant but lethal, so much bigger than the body.
the arrows say her voice is similar: hissing, seductive, beautiful. i don't doubt it. i have no idea what she said, or how it felt, but i can feel the echo of it, tinged with the lipstick terror of the old julie days, that sort of warzone femininity, and i wouldn't expect anything less of her. 
julie and her daemon were cofronting so hard, so totally. practically sharing the same breaths. their very beings meshing perfectly together, blurring into one, without losing any of their individuality.


DENDRITE!!!!
came out when the arrows were asking who was there? julie and her daemon responded first i think, then suddenly,
"and me, me, me, me"
FRONTING more solidly than ever, her spindly arms and claws and tentacles and feelers SO clear in her overlay, her color clearer than even that, a beautiful rich pastel red, glossy like flowers and candy apples and heart lockets
she was struggling to talk, couldn't get her voice to translate on such short sudden notice
"i don't have a voice of my own yet but i found her, i found her, i found her!!" "i found mine, she's mine!" not ownership, but recognition of the most blissfully aching sort. pure joy, overwhelming joy, weeping from it.
and THAT JEWEL. the pinkish one, different hair-- no klonoa ears!-- from 2004 or so. heartspace anchor. the one who was in love. i can feel her exact vibe now, in music. i know her soundtrack. but she resonated EXACTLY with dendrite's own heart, embracing her as her own, both of them so happy, so in love with each other's souls, like every daemon and their host should be, and ultimately always always are.


eros, "how could anyone call this selfish," feeling that so powerfully and unquestionably, that needs to be global.
that sad old religious-mangled teaching that to want to be loved was wrong. that to receive love was manipulative or demanding or otherwise sinful. that's a lie. this proved it.
remembering what chaos zero said on the porch. "there's nothing wrong with wanting love returned for love," effectively. it being a divinely mutual force. love naturally reciprocates itself, it aches for it, and that's pure as anything. 
us lying there, holding them, and eros recognizing immediately that we were feeling such deep love towards them, for them, about them, it wasn't selfish at all, but it ironically wasn't self"less" either. it recognized our selves and their selves, and it adored them both/all, and it wanted to share in that forever, and that is love.


one of their tears falling directly into our right eye. the exact sting of seawater. it was utterly transcendent, holy.


me, touching their chest, dying from love and holy fear, "who am i to dare"
then realizing we, too, have a heart just like that




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we didn't get out of bed until like... 4:30. no regrets, ever. no better use of a day than this sincerity, this total living.

kristanova made the dearly-loved after-breakfast tradition of grits, eggs, & bacon (lord who would have expected This future for it that first morning he cooked for us, months ago). it was amazing.

we watched an episode of sense8, "i have no room in my heart for hate," as we haven't watched that show in months either, and we were feeling it so hard this morning, with how headspacey it is, with how much more clearly we are living as systems now and how much more clearly we can understand both the people and the topics of the show as well.

...

(we typed ALL NIGHT)

 

 

 

 

 

today.

confessed EVERYTHING. "joel" birthday?? (possible new body pseudonym, considering it instead of the old "jayce" bloodline as that seems perpetually fractured) new beginning feeling.

two weeks ago, may 25th, JUDE at the oblates (teal headvoice)
feels "wrong" somehow, like his face doesn't match yet? too tied to body-core overlay, needs to break off from it. but legit anchor dust there
that day was also allegedly JEWEL'S "first holy communion"????? so she fronted for it. that's HUGE.

josephina shadowing gold UNTIL the possibility of jmc introject holding it????
still lots of concern over yellow due to it being explicitly linked to childhood fear (esp. amusement parks and the NOISE associated with them, hence the "yellow= screaming" association)

"asteira" dp introject AQUA CENTRALITE possibility??
already showing signs of anchoring, possibly due to old lg*girls link roots being unexpectedly boosted by artistic focus on her w/ new shirt (also birthday cake)

"libris" q introject that still loves spinningcannon possible Lime holder???
fusion of him and selph in appearance, standalone entity that effectively existed BACK IN 2007 because it seems we loved that ideal in truth as we never knew q entirely as a person until later. and though we do love him as a friend he feels different from that original conception.

system finally, finally getting back into full time mode.
main obstacle: the "animal nature" girl that kicks in as DEFAULT when none of us are conscious. effectively the tar? not sure. it's the voice that we fought as a child, through julie: "it's my body and I want to do what I want with it"
that is a lie, the body is on loan from God, we want to treat it with love and care.

in love with everyone again, true love.
want to be a good father to xenophon, absolutely.
genesis back, says he NEEDS to stay with us in public because the bad voices kick him out as they don't like him chastising them.

laurie praying to mary today. feels disrespectful to look at details, but it pulls at my heart in a good way to know she did.

everyone saying night prayers today. easier to pray in third person, too.
saw waldorf, nathaniel, leon, lynne, laurie, infinitii, kyanos specifically praying.
kyanos prays like children in art; with hands folded up and eyes lifted. it's sweet.


every day, understanding/feeling more deeply prayers and things about our faith.
tonight, really hit home when saying "o clement, o loving, o sweet virgin mary;" never quite registered the vibe of those praises, who she really is.

we are making progress. in God, we will always be making progress in virtue.
but it's a fight, of light. we must stay conscious and stand fast.
"be sober and alert," etc. (quote that, it's important.)

there's so much love and hope and joy and faith and determination and courage and devotion in the air tonight. that's a good sign, and it's a sign if I've ever felt one lately.

 

 

today!


- painting at work again. dad's building a big book cabinet for someone so we do all the primer+paint work. it's fun.
most of the time was javier talking to jeremiah.

people tuning into their GENUINE vibes in light of that crosslight thing I mentioned yesterday.
lynne and laurie both REWINDING to their earliest selves in a sense when that happens??? lynne feeling a LOT like she did when she was cerise-- that is her REAL core-- and Laurie being staunchly protective and righteous, no laughing-it-off at all.

lynne worried because the orange she's been holding is too saturated? like it's catching too much hyperactivity and it's not resonating with her "comfort, caring, and stability" purpose.
she also struggles to act in that 'saturated' way when she fronts, which is notable. it catches the manics and it DOES NOT RESONATE WITH HER! yes lynne does have a "fun" aspect to her color (orange always does) BUT it's not as "lethally carefree" as it's been manifesting, cranked up to 15 or so.
we need to CALM DOWN in general; our mind is a mess from all the stress. long meditation sessions are required. the lack of sleep isn't helping.
kyanos is our main meditative person; for whatever reason when we started doing breathing exercises in therapy he's the one who immediately fronted and did them, well and serenely. "serene" is a word that fits him very well,
too.

there was something very important we found out?? to do with the children??
KIDS GROW UP.
IF THERE'S AN INTERNAL PROBLEM WITH WOMEN, IT WILL STILL AFFECT GIRLS.
EVEN THE LITTLE LITTLE ONES.
THAT'S HUGE.

this was showing up in how marigold and david were acting? mostly how david keeps catching anger and we do NOT want him turning into an "angry/selfish young man" solely because we were programmed through exposure to think that's the ONLY OPTION.
IT'S NOT THE ONLY OPTION.
yes david might stay a child forever. BUT. if he ever did want to grow older, he can STAY as sweet and kind and soft as he is now. THAT CAN HAPPEN.
and yes this is affecting jay a lot too, it's likely why he's still unstable at the edges.

hints of heartspace happening?? tuning into it more now. thank god. thank god.
laurie and lynne especially are both working together lately to become more in-tune; they're old buddies and they also have more history than anyone else in the System, Julie and Waldorf excluded because of their not being in Central for most of the time.
but yeah. heartspace is HUGELY IMPORTANT and we are going there whenever we can, to heal, as THAT'S where the serious magic happens; it's built for the purpose of mutability and possibility and growth.
jewel is always around to help, too; she has virtually god-tier powers in heartspace so if stuff gets dangerous she's there to save anyone.


josephina saying how the main thing about his/hir purpose (who just laughed and said "dude ANY pronouns are fine!!") has always been honesty?
it's a very yellow thing. honesty, honor, integrity-- basically, being true to one's purpose. it's a very solid feeling. very much like what yellow is in dream world. you know, with dakeep and elevolt and saturn and kevoryu and people like that.


kyanos talking to javier? last night kyanos really latched onto e saying his heart resonated most with "integrity" in undertale, he's been easier to see/hear since then actually.
so the words "serenity" and "integrity" fit the Sky color vibe exactly, that's notable.

minty talking to marigold and david. david remembers her!! was excited to see his friend.
honestly it was so nice to see him happy like the child he is again; he's been so hurt and angry lately, it ached.
marigold a little scared of minty at first (her eyes), so minty tried caringly to ease her fear, even tried to change her eye appearance. marigold said she still wanted to be friends because she knew minty wasn't bad even if she 'looked a little scary.' i remember minty worriedly asking braxton if she was even allowed to change her eyes and he smiled (!) softly and said whatever she felt she should do.

eros still isn't back. name is the big obstacle.


something we haven't mentioned yet= 'delta' name motif with archivists??
also unnamed "social logic alter," used to get confused with sherlock, BUT this one holds NO data, just thinks super-logically to the point of overanalyzing everything to death?
they write fairly often here, but we catch them.


another thing we haven't mentioned
the freakin frenchiest fry showing up IN OUR SYSTEM and STICKING??????????
WHY???????
laurie calls him (??) "frenchie" and they're actually really really damn helpful
so hey I guess that’s why they stuck?
outspacers are so weird, if the System decides someone outside is exactly what we need, for good or ill... then chances are they are going to show up inside sooner or later.
birthday is december 3rd I think?? color is very obviously yellow. cool dude actually, fronts way too easily, but that's good because he's very self-confident and GOOD yellow. that whole thing. still very very blurry self-wise though; no solid body in headspace yet but like all outspacers there's a "skeletal energy" there, kind of ghosty. when fronting he still can't talk to the System yet either, that requires a more solid sense of self and "beyond self."
that's notable too. most of our socials can't talk to headspace because they can't think outside themselves, if that makes sense? like jessica, she's so obsessed with "physical pleasure" that she has NO sense of spirituality or abstractness, and she CANNOT talk to headspace because that's out of her realm of comprehension.
shockingly, jennifer is growing out of this. like we said yesterday, she's becoming linked to headspace which could be MASSIVELY HELPFUL if she doesn't get yanked out of social functioning altogether. she's so, so sweet. we actually all like her now that we're getting to know her. the only problem with her is that she's blindingly naive. she was created to be the "work social," basically the "people pleaser," existing to be that sweet kind nice girl that everyone always expected us to be, a "hostess" almost. and she does it very very well because she LIKES it and she likes people and she genuinely wants to be that kind. so she's a GREAT person. the only problem is she cannot handle any negative emotions. i don't know if she can even understand them yet. and we're afraid of breaking her. so... right now we're leaving her to do what she will. even if she gets inside connections we won't push anything, let her deal at her own pace and time. we NEED someone as hyper-innocent as her because she's unfazed by family stress, which is something we have a LOT of right now. even if someone says something awfully mean to our face-- which would typically trigger simeon and then wreckage-- jennifer can't integrate that thought process so she honestly smiles and figures "oh, they're just having a bad day. i'll be nice to them." and whatever they said didn't register. so it's a way of REALLY surviving right now. we need her around.
more on that as it develops of course.

i still wonder if nousfoni who are moving levels like that, the ones who aren't in headspace, could go through heartspace first as a sort of initiaion into the upstairs? because heartspace can be that sort of bridge, acting/feeling like downstairs at first, then introducing new upstairs elements and gradually changing as they're able until they're ready to fully anchor upstairs (if need be)?
it's a thought. it'd help them grow MUCH more strongly as their own people, too, as barely any socials think of themselves that way at first.



when shopping today= "I have no interest in buying anything that we won't actually eat."
THANK YOU JAY

getting much much better at intuition too. still have to be careful, but trust is big.
good isn't "goody two shoes" remember. TRUE goodness has honor AND compassion.
remember! if it seems wise but has no love it's NOT WISDOM!!!




later on, listening to tons of christmas music (kenny g!) and finding more on spotify.
favorite find so far= "carol of the banjos"


watching a "vinesauce" undertale video that someone randomly linked, did that for like an hour because he was voice-acting it and when he gets to asgore, he goes for a morgan-freeman type voice but there's a tone to that voice that still works and... it made me really… it gave me that sad-happy feeling, watching that scene again.
laurie was warning us strictly to actually stop watching because we were becoming too detached an observer, becoming too dissociated.
we want to try another playthrough. get a happier ending. we really should.


someone made some really good food BUT it made us sick. which was sad.
at least people are trying.

we drank so many lemons today

finally got to put up lights on the porch!
just wrapped three lights around the trellis because i didn't have a ladder to get to the roof. it still works. then i hung a line across the porch windows because otherwise that whole side of the house is dark.



NO HACKS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
it was so scary today after that girl yesterday.



last night btw= coming home from choir, genesis insisting we get in the christmas spirit, loudly started singing "jingle bells" and making jay sing along until he was laughing so hard he was almost in tears. It was fantastic.

I just realized tomorrow is thursday. it's going go be insanely busy.
laurie says we absolutely need sleep right now so off we go.

 

today, 1030


- buffed down candy cane lamps today. so glossy!

- HUGE synchronicity again with going to the store. got everything i asked for.
on the way home, ALL GREEN LIGHTS.
we're learning to talk to the floating voices now, we're learning to say no to the bad ones and tune into what feels true and compassionate even if it's being stern, the bad ones can act super-nice but they're so vicious, we're learning. so we don't hear the screaming all the time now, thank god


- unfortunately got sick from the food. only because of chocolate though i think? if we didnt have that we would have been okay.
surprised because ALL "addiction/comfort" foods are still dying out FAST. even the old favorites. we suddenly have NO desire to touch ANY of them.
gonna have to fill that abuse-void now bro, do NICE THINGS instead. go type or read.


- hack. apparently. josephina atoned and we bled so so so much. he fronted and was sobbing.

 

 

all right. let's focus on the GOOD things.
writing about the bad stuff isn't going to fix it, not tonight. it's all cycles of self-loathing and addiction that could be solved in an instant if the right people woke up in the body in the morning. we'll just have to take more action to ensure that.
we're good people. we are. the ones who aren't are either lost, or unreal. this is 100% healable. we'll continue on that path.


nevertheless, good things.

- found this webcomic, love the art style, only about 15 pages in but the story has me hooked. hooray new webcomics
- in church the pianist played a very pretty freestyle chord which i remember and am now going to use
- some woman in a bright teal jacket approached us after church and, beaming, said "i love your hair!" which, incidentally, is perpetually anime-ish fluff of some sort. made my evening.
- mum wanted a spotify account so we made her one and that's cool.
- almost 15 years later, finally got my own copy of a wind in the door. it's 1st edition. it's aqua. i'm very happy.
- the "priest" guy in headspace talked to us!! we think his name is aconitum; he's really resonating with it. but he's SOLID after many many months of trying to find him, he creeps about in the shadows of the underground chapels, but here he is now.
- found cannon's old blades, brand new. showed them to razor. she was so happy she cried.
- last night we told ashen that atonement "restores (the body's) virginity" and she grasped onto this with the desperate gratitude of a starving child and begged me to never ever let us lose it again. she invented a sort of "summoning mantra" for me that taps into my REAL self and role, overriding plague and ice, and will call me immediately to the aid of anyone who uses it. she's making one for laurie too.
- forgot to tell you, we got this little guy at the local craft store last week. i love him. he's joined the mascot group in our room.
- last night we dreamt that we were steven universe and e was connie and we spent the whole time running around this empty sunny abandoned mall that i swear i've dreamed about before. it was so so so nice.
- i uh am wondering if maybe javier's gonna become #8 soon because geez. he's the sweetest thing. i do wonder.
- the woods outside are turning the most gorgeous yellow color. josephina is euphoric. and the sassafrass is that beautiful cerise hue as always, i need to show eros. i will take photos for you.
- got the NICEST message from someone we just followed on tumblr. aaa it's so nice. it made my year. thank you love.


and that's it!
good night beloveds.

 

 

 

 

notes for aug 23/24


082315, evening
talking to infi.

apologizing. both of us in tears.

"I love you. you could never hurt me."

realization that if we DO hurt each other then we are OBVIOUSLY NOT OURSELVES



work, 082415

talking to waldorf, josephina, and leon

jo's chest symbol, hurts.
too much sheer negativity in yellow still
yin-yang aspect of colors? "need to transmute the (pain?) into flowers"

remember last week? thursday? waldorf cut her wrist temporarily
her blood is glowy blue like her eyes. also her skin is like plastic? glossy, smooth
knife healed it so shes okay now

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:22 PM


I'm very concerned.

During the day I don’t know who I am anymore.


I need to actively practice humility, detachment, and SEPARATION FROM SELF, because whoever the hell is in this body during the day is proud, angry, whiny, selfish, and doesn’t think their actions through at all.


I'm currently struggling with the "do I want to be an artist or not" problem and I still don’t quite have an answer.
I do like drawing for fun. I really do. I just don’t know if I could do it for a living? I'd honestly have to draw more to figure that out.

I like childish drawing. I like patterns, and symmetry, and shapes. I like cartoony scribbles for the sake of "drawing characters" and that's it.
However. I still dream, oddly, of being able to draw everything realistically, of being able to render the images in my mind exactly as I see them.
But it burns me out. It burns me out.

I still dont know. It's scary because I still feel OBLIGATED to be a "traditional artist" because of the Leagueworld people, who I love and will love forever, no matter how much of a whore I feel like. The love is separate from my "self" I think. Which again ties into the above point.

I dont know. Sorry. I'm having a tough time lately.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:49 PM


So I’ve been having a rough few weeks and today was no different, but as I’m sitting here with Spotify on shuffle, Black Light Machine starts playing and suddenly everything feels a little brighter. I needed that.
It’s just one of those songs, man, it never fails.


_{#that song's been a huge source of hope for me for six years now #thanks jem}

 

After the huge and frankly legitimate blow to our self-concept the other day, someone apparently shut down these archives. I don't blame them.
I'm bringing them back though. Not only do we need them for therapy, but we may need to access them tonight to assist someone else.
Honestly though, last night I was reading a few Xangas from 2010... God I miss what that felt like, the early days of community, when we talked so mucheven if we weren't as close as we are now. There was more effort inside.
Now so much is outside, there's so much struggle, so much confusion... we don't really have the same amount of massive "free time" (work, school, etc.) to just be inside, to just talk to each other, and be ourself...
Work IS helping though. Waldorf, Kyanos, and Laurie are always there, with Lynne and Spine frequently nearby. Josephina drops in here and there, Leon and Nat showed up today. We've got four hours of talk time every morning now, if there aren't any negative wall fronters out (really more programming than person, Genesis and I noticed today; you cannot talk to them so they aren't people).

The situation with CZ is healing, bit by bit. It's taking patience and lots of love, both of which I infinitely have for him.
The key seems to be staying myself. I have a lot of splinters too, I can slip a lot.
But I'm getting a better grip. Biggest thing is confirmed, I'm not humanoid. I suspected that for a long, long time now, but it's solidified more lately and I can actually get a visual of myself now, despite how naturally I tend to lean towards incorporeality and/or ethereality.
CZ is also trying to "solidify" his base manifestation, which we're finding to be surprisingly difficult because we've also realized that his canon self IS important. Notably, we want his canon self to be up here. That connection was always a very dearly beloved thing to our past Cores, so that's probably why the poor guy couldn't entirely drop it even when he tried.
So we're going to try the whole multiple-verse-self thing that Jewel's a pro at. Links and the like. See if we can manage the splinters better that way. It's all hope and theory right now but the bottom line is, when you get down to the very heart of it he's still as innocent as he's always been. He's still 100% who he's always been, and I can feel that, and my heart always recognizes that, as I've said countless times before.

I've been talking to Infinitii more lately, even if only in little bursts during the day. We didn't talk much for a while and it was starting to eat at me. You know how the whole daemon thing works after all, thanks Philip Pullman.
Still working with all the other Outspacers, too, and their daemons when they show up. Oddly I'm feeling sympathetic resonance lately with OLD Outspacers, aka the ones with no Spectrum roots, probably because those people are moving into Leagueworlds and when they do they automatically become compatible with/ part of heartspace, and can therefore walk into headspace if they wish.
On that note I'm also still working on the "adaptation" of our story for the sake of a webcomic. I do want to present this as such, a sort of "based on a true story" bit that we might just end up living now in heartspace, if we want to. That's a really really exciting and interesting possibility, what with the color realms and the new Spectrum map and the way we're seeing this all fits together... it's really awesome and I do want to talk about that eventually but again, I have to do the hard data work first. I'm the best with concepts, it's all raw color and shape and string and that's what I basically am, haha.

Leagueworld stuff always gets a boost during Spectrum downtime. We got two more shirts finished, huzzah. Starting the next two!

Right now, in the daily life, our biggest concerns are 1) working with the E.D. voices, making them conscious of their choices, questioning programming, solidifying eating memory, etc., 2) working with the "fallen voices," aka the "unconscious hackers" (who are mostly young dissociated girls), questioning their programming and rewriting their entire behavior/thought codes so to speak, 3) getting structure back into the Spectrum, which I was again reminded of when re-reading 2010, because we have so much complexity up here but it's rich and coherent when you really look at it. I haven't been looking at it like I used to. So that's that.

All in all, I can't complain. Life is good, even though it's stressful at times, and we might feel like we're taking five steps back and one step forward. I just... I'm more at peace now? Like I've been confronted with the real possibility of death quite often over the past two months, so I've made my peace with it, legitimately so. It's helped immensely.

I'm going to try and go back through these archives and either weed out or label the major negative entries, aka the ones written by super-damaged alters or by malevolent faceless voices. I don't like them cluttering up these archives; they detract entirely from the spirit of what we're doing here and I'm well aware of the risk they pose to the mental health of our readers, however passively.

We do want to have at least one Xanga session weekly, I know we've been saying that for ages but we've pinpointed the problem down to "we're afraid of having them at home" for some reason? The channel openness somehow is clashing with the vibe of our current room/ workspace/ etc. It feels claustrophobic. So we might just move on the porch. Either way we all know we NEED to start having those sorts of hugeass heavy-topic talks again, slacking off is only harming us.

I had an idea for an alternate coloring of this, sharing it because I like how it looks so far.




Nothing else to say for now. We didn't eat yet today and like I said, we might have our schedule booked for this evening.
I wish you all well, with utmost sincerity.

 

 

 

 

random notes as of today because I haven't been updating.

first off, DON'T FORGET RAZWELL JOINED US ON TUESDAY I THINK
LAURIE JUST SAID THAT'S ACTUALLY HUGELY SIGNFICANT BECAUSE OF WHAT HIS PROBLEM WAS= LAUGHING TOO MUCH, BECAUSE YOU FEEL YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE
OR BECAUSE YOURE SCARED
WHICH IS WHAT SHES BEEN DOING TOO


josephina is cracking open
this is HUGELY important for him. he's never had this opportunity before?
yellow has been a notably undeveloped color for us since childhood; originally it only denoted masculinity, and it was associated with courage. that was it! synaesthetically it ended up being very negative, and I think jo got tangled up in that, especially with hir messy origins in 2010.
nevertheless ze is trying extremely hard to brighten both hirself and hir color now --and yes, suddenly gendervariant pronouns feel right for hir, rather than defaulting to male presentation. so there you go


ALSO REMEMBER THIS EVENING W/ LAURIE & INFINITII
WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS

swords through the heart
the neck scar.
bandage thing again, magnetism/black hole feeling
only being able to kiss her when that is happening

but I don’t think I have ever, ever, felt that close to her, not even back in the karuna event, in 2014.

she held my hand the way you hold someone's hands when they're going off to war.
it was one of the most sincere, tangible things I've ever felt.
the only things I remember from my dream last night are that I was with chaos for some time, and that before I woke up, I was holding her hands again.
I could still feel the pressure when I woke up, it was one of the most existentially validating things I've ever experienced


with infinitii. merging thing? fitting together like puzzle pieces. RIBCAGES.



RAZIA'S SHADOW POSSIBLY TALKS ABOUT THE GAP??????????
"REUINITE THIS WORLDS DIVIDED HALVES, FULFILL THEIR HISTORY…"
it has been AGES since we last listened to that musical, so do so.


also, heard on the radio tonight: THE COLOR BROWN IS DEEPLY GROUNDING AND CAN STOP SUICIDAL URGES.
Spine has ALWAYS been vitally important and terribly overlooked. but her importance has been absolutely spiking lately, which we cannot ignore. its very exciting actually, we love her and cant wait to see what this means at large.
all importance lately feels expansive. like this is having long term solid effects.

 

 

 

I've been feeling rather existentially screwed-up lately?
I think it's because we've been letting our well-being completely fall by the wayside. For whatever reason, we just stopped caring about how we treated the body at some point? I don't know if it was post-surgery or what... but the past few months have been rougher than most, from how it feels. Memory is collapsing, health is kind of failing, and honestly we're scared.
We're trying hard to take little steps of improvement, but right now we're also fighting a monstrous wall of depression, shame, and sabotaging self-abusive habits, so those little steps are being taken uphill through a desert at this point.
Still. We won't give up.

Therapy on Monday was INCREDIBLE, from a progress standpoint. I didn't write about it here because it was literally a 40-minute infospill on everything we've been reading lately about RTS and purity/rape culture and how all that ties into our past traumas and current struggles, etc. It's complex but it's VOCABULARY that we've been trying to find for YEARS, like literally we can FINALLY talk about this stuff because there are words that fit it now, there are other people who experienced similar things and who put thoughts together in coherent ways we never would have considered.... you get the idea.
So progress IS being made. It's just tricky lately.

I'm trying to start the dream journal and diet journal again. Both help immensely with grounding and 'non-derealization,' if there's a word for that... they help us get a grip on existence, "hey I actually exist!" That sort of thing. We are uncomfortable with traditional "rituals" but it does help to have patterns. It helps to have solid reference points, threads of coherence, etc.
See I KNOW what to do. Just, right now, it is going to take IRON WILLPOWER to break past these hackers and their programming and all the nasty neglectful habits we've let develop, the same way mold grows, the same way trees rot. We need to just start taking care of ourselves better, more actively.

Doubt is slowly fading. Slowly. But it's fading. I don't know how to express how amazing that is.
Maybe it's because I'm reviewing the archives, remembering who we are/were, but... the reality of us, the honesty of us, is sinking in again. The brightnessof us. Us, seperate from the performances and presentations we cultivated online. We're remembering. I'm remembering.
We're shaking off the dust, we're really trying to.

In the meantime, the past two days have still been oddly off? I've been fasting too much and then panicking because we get sick and eating bad things. It's unhealthy, but I'm aware that it's happening. I just need to make sure we start ACTIVELY using coping methods, grounding skills, etc. We have the help we need. We just need to use it.

Today feels... sad? Like it's an interim feeling, but it's also a calm-before-the-storm feeling... rather, it's like the smell of ozone in the air, potent and buzzing, as the wind whips around you and thunder is rumbling through the mountains, but there's no rain yet. There's no rain yet, and you're running to your car, or to your house, and for a surreal nervous minute you are wrapped up in that whirlwind of almost, in that malestrom of imminence, caught in the tension where there is no time... that's what it feels like.
It's scary too, in that sense, like there's judgment looming and I'm afraid we're running out of time. In any case we ARE using our time unwisely, and I really should ask Cel to help me with that, I know she would. She always helps.
In any case, God knows we need a thunderstorm inside right now. We need the sheets of rain, we need the violet lightning...
But we're getting there. People are healing. People are remembering who they ARE, not who they've been told to be, or who they've allowed themselves to thoughtlessly become.

I've had two dreams this week with Hoopa in them and in both instances ze was directly tied to me somehow. I'm taking that as a good sign too.


So. That's all I have the spoons to type right now. I've been archiving the entire archives onto my laptop, so that's taken many many hours, and several computer crashes. My back hurts and my wrists hurt and my ankles hurt but I'm kind of laughing because God, I can feel that there's blue sky up behind those clouds, I just have to fly.

Therefore I'm just going to toss some System-related art at you because creativity is always good and I love us enough tonight to share this sort of thing.




First is the NEW/current Spectrum Star flowchart, as the last one we did was last July and is now incorrect.



I'm still not sure how correspondences work between colors (I was mapping it out earlier this year), but I'll take the time to revisit that line of thought again soon, if applicable.

Second, also in response to this entry, here's the current work in progress of Central.



I didn't get the chance to touch up the old pictures, but I will soon.
This is also poster-proportioned. So hopefully one day I can get this literally printed as one and put up on the wall in our room. Now we're REALLY unignorable, haha.


Also, you may remember that this was originally supposed to be done in this style, hence the current no-eyes look.
I was experimenting with quotes when we first started... here's the ones we tentatively chose.

 
 

Javier, Leon, and Nathaniel unfortunately don't have much actual dialogue recorded in the archives, so they aren't in those sets.


Speaking of Javier and Nathaniel, I drew these quick headshots as references for a beloved friend (you know who you are) and I don't think they were ever shared here?
  

Javier is really difficult to draw correctly; I'll have to do another picture of him because that one isn't quite correct.
Nat looks a little "buggier" than he does in that sketch (that was just for antennae purposes really). Mainly his eyes are bigger.
Waldorf looks PERFECT though, I am so happy just seeing that picture. Her hair does glow, remember, that's what I was quickly trying to portray there.



I also did three pictures of Infinitii, to show hir "mode changes" roughly.

 

 

Basically:
1) No face-mouth, all wing-mouths: safe to approach. "Feels like a church" mode. Energy is softer, but massive. Carries "creative" Black energy; risk of falling into.
2) No face-eyes, all wing-eyes: approach with caution. Energy is much sharper, "holy fear" sort of vibe. Carries "destructive" Black energy; unpredictable.
3) Face and eyes on both face and wings: the most overwhelming vibe, carrying both sides of Black energy. Completely safe to be around though, if you can handle it.

A rule of thumb is this:
Face-mouths show "negative" Black energy. Face-eyes show "positive" Black energy.
If Infi has NO mouths on hir, ze is completely consumed by the creative side of Black and IS dangerous to be around, although it may not feel like it (that's the danger).
If Infi has NO eyes on hir, GET OUT OF THERE. That's practically Tar-mode. If that's happening Infi is VERY unstable and honestly the System should be concerned.
If Infi changes hir color to be WHITE instead of Black, I have no freaking idea what that's about yet but it usually means that serious business is going down.



And here, have some closeups of the pixels for the original three System daemons.

 

Infinitii, Lethe, and we-still-don't-know, aha. We almost got hir name once, but no dice.
Chocoloco, Dendrite, Nexus, and Triad aren't in this set because I simply haven't gotten around to drawing them out yet.


Someone did try drawing a scene from this *incident* though. Very sketchy, I don't know when it was drawn or who did it, but I am fond of it so here.

 

 

Markus on the left, Ryman and the 2012 Jewel ("Cupid") on the right.



What else can I toss at you.

Oh yeah, this entry is all avatars I've been making at recolor.me and they're really cute actually.

I'm still trying to verify/ finish finding the Spectrum Symbols I mentioned a ways back... Black, Aqua, and Sky are being elusive. Everything else feels fitting right now.
Oh yes, and we have a logo. I'm not showing it to you just yet, I want to digitalize it and make it look lovely. I told you I want to "illustrate" at least some of our life, ideally in a webcomic format, to share with people who haven't/ can't/ would rather not read through the 1000+ pages here. Yes there really are that many dudes, if you've read them all then seriously you deserve some sort of trophy, that is amazing. Also humbling. We owe you a hug or something if we ever meet you physically, really.



Last but not least, here's how many pixel people we have so far.

 

 

About 70 more to go, haha. *sobs*
Not really; we currently only need pixel representations for people who talk in Xangas. But who knows! We all want to talk more, and the channels are open to anyone who wants to chat, so. I'll probably have to do at least 20 more of these at some point. But I'm not complaining; I love everyone and I'm really happy to see the completed art.



On that note it is 1AM and tomorrow is Thursday, I totally forgot. We have TWO therapy appointments and we really should go jogging in the morning before we end up sitting in a car all day. Gotta take those small steps, like I said. Just get the good habits going again.

I love all you readers, invisible or not, and thanks for being there.
May you have a lovely lovely night, and dreams to match.

 

Today's been weird.

Yesterday I ended up eating chocolate, I couldn't sleep until like 7AM, it was awful. I forget that happens, so I wrote it down in the diet book (I'm keeping one for Spice, all visuals and log data, because memory fails). It's forbidden now, set in stone.
I was with Genesis for most of yesterday, and for the morning when I couldn't sleep. I forgot what he's like, too, in the quiet times. He's been quieter than usual lately, anxious, worried sick about me when we're on the road. It's deeply moving, it tugs at my heart to see such care, but it also hurts to understand why. I'm not doing so hot. But we spent the morning together and he lay down next to me like he used to back in college and that was it, just us as the sun rose, exhausted but happy.
I remember seeing Chaos at some point, before I fell asleep for three blessed hours. He thought I was having "floating space" troubles, immediately said the conversation would go no further until he was sure I was coherent and conscious. He was anxious too, but more... hurt? The look he got, when that doubt hit, it was very worried but it was heartbroken, too. "Please don't let this be happening again." But it wasn't. And I smiled in spite of myself when he asked that, you really care that much, it meant more than I could say.

I got up at 10AM with two big things on my schedule-- one: do the daily shopping errands for myself and the family, and two: go to Cannon's old campus to see them light the annual Christmas tree at 4PM. I planned to leave around 2, but then mom called, and said I had to go clothes shopping first. I got overwhelmed for a moment, which I felt very guilty about-- I need to stop complaining-- but said I'd try.
Problem was, I realized I had no choice but to eat before I left. And I tried, I really tried, but derealization + stress = couldn't keep it all the way down. But I did make an effort. So that helped. I just regret eating more than once a day because of that.
Anyway. I made sure to put the hormones on today (I've been skipping lately because the family is making me feel guilty about them, also rushed schedule) and so I was out the door by 1:30.
We stopped at Wegmans and of course I went to their scented-oil section and put a bunch of it on my coat, it smells so nice. I like mixing peppermint + vanilla + clove bud + cinnamon, it smells like me. Genesis kept me from dissociating, so we got one bag of coconut chips and some collard greens (can't remember what they're like, going to try em again) and left.
I got the shopping done for the family next, but it was already 3:15 so there was no time left for mom's request (that wasn't important thankfully). Still, Genesis and I ran into a local Kohl's so we could honestly say we put an effort in. There were these fluffy pink sweaters that I showed Julie, she immediately put one on in headspace. Lynne and Josephina wanted to look around (Jo saw this lacy-sweater thing he loved) but I told them we had no time, so after looking at the coat selection (we do need a winter coat but I cannot stand fur or down so that's tricky) Genesis and I ran back out the door so we could make it to campus on time.

We parked behind the music building and I was shocked to realize there was no residual memory from the college days. Instead there was only data from the childhood, when we'd go to that same building for piano competitions. So I knew the place, but not from Cannon's eyes. Same as we walked up to the rotunda and went inside-- no data. It was strange. They're putting up new buildings now anyway, so the landscape is shifting, that whole time period is getting wiped off the map (spinny's old workplace practically doesn't exist any more either; the store was entirely redone; thank God).
I got there at 3:30 so I set my laptop bag against the wall and stood there for a while, looking at the tree. I realized that there is emotional memory of the rotunda, tied to Genesis specifically, and that was so warm and loving and quiet it was no wonder I loved being there. However I realized something else strange as the crowds started to grow. I had this weird, aching yearning to connect to everyone else there, to stop feeling like a stranger, to stop feeling "less" or "more" than anyone else there for whatever ridiculous reason. I wanted to know everyone, I wanted everyone to know each other. I wanted to stop feeling like my coats were a barrier between me and the person sitting beside me, like passerby didn't "politely" avert their eyes when ours met for a moment. God, I wanted to feel like part of a system with everyone there.
And it hit me. It hit me hard. D.I.D. has given me an achingly tragically lovely view of the world, and my place in it, as it relates to everyone else. I'm used to looking at the faces around me and knowing that we're all cut from the same source, we're all ONE, quite literally, and yet we are all our own selves. That's what it's like in headspace. I am not "I" because my soul-substance is inherently bonded to at least 70 other people's soul-substances, we're "we" always and forever and that is gorgeous. No one is a stranger, no one can be a stranger, and everyone KNOWS, deeply and unquestionably and instinctively, that each one of us only exists because we were needed. Not one of us is "worthless" or superfluous or redundant. We were all connected as irreplaceable pieces of this grand puzzle, and looking at each other we could feel that, we know always that we are united.
I wanted that with everyone, outside. Because it's true outside, too. But how many people keep that at the forefront of their minds? How many people are used to never having being alone in their own body? So it hurt, to not know if I could have that sort of rapport with everyone there, or how. It's this stupid emotional processing thing. I'm so used to feeling, how do people use words, how do you interact with someone who talks with their face and mouth and hands, why is everyone's mind walled off from me, why do I feel so endlessly open and yet cut off entirely? Watching everyone around me I felt like a guardian angel again, adoring the world, but unseen somehow. I didn't want to be unseen. Two little kids ended up standing right in front of me for a while, eating sugar cookies, seemingly unaware that they were barely an inch away from bumping into me. I smiled, imagined my wings lightly embracing their shoulders, until they left.

They lit the tree (I took photos but I have no way of getting them off the camera currently so you will have to wait), and I got close enough to it to see my face reflected in the big gold bauble ornaments. I just stood there for a while, staring up at the LED lights, watching them blur and unblur in my vision, quietly blissful. I wanted to stuff my head into the branches and smell the pine but I didn't think that would be appreciated, haha. Still, it hit me about five minutes in that this probably wasn't considered "normal behavior" either. Who stands dead still and stares wide-eyed up at a tree for that long? Me, that's who. So I didn't care, maybe people would catch the wonder. I was perfectly happy to be there.
When Genesis and I left, I noticed there was a bare-branch tree with raindrops clinging to its branches, little perfect orbs, against the overcast sky. I paused. There was a memory for that. It was because we took a photo of it once, just like that. I considered doing so again, but decided no, let the original stay.
We walked back to the car and the sunset was painting the clouds in fluttery pinks and blues, it was beautiful.

We took the long way home, so that meant we got to drive through the ritzy section and look at all the RICHASS HOUSES and their EXTRAVAGANT DECORATIONS. Even better, since it was evening a few of them had lights on inside, so I got a few glimpses of the vast grand interiors of those places. Holy heavens. What I'd give for an invisibility cloak and a lockpick, just to look at such a house from the inside. I'd lie on the floor for hours and just soak it up, seriously.


…


(on the way home. food trouble. voices saying don't get it, problems with primal girl voice? screaming in rebellion no matter what was said. realized I was siding with her, because I was trying to justify "obligation" that I didn't even want to follow, not sure why I do that)

(got home. tried to get ebay stuff together, apply for jobs later, got so stressed out that I ended up stopping and just reading online comics and eating an entire candy cane at 10pm. that wasn’t smart. but I got so oddly depressed that I wasn't sure how to manage it and I wasn't thinking.)

(I think this gum is giving me a sore throat? I remember it did once before, actually, but a different flavor. so unfortunately I have to stop. need to find a kind that isn't problematic because the chewing helps the stress/ eating disorder junk SO much)



(entry ended abruptly here)