the spectrum heart cathedral system

god i'm so scared.


we were so good for most of november. only like... 4 hacks this month . thank god.

but the one girl, was out tonight,
what do we call ehr? we always have post-event names for the social alters, they're so vague, we cant talk to them and they dont ocome upstairs
but i think "jacinth" is her name
the one who keeps sacrificing herself for girls
shes not evil, but what shE DOES IS EVIL

and the one furious but righteous but cruel alter was out in her wake
swearing at her, calling her a faggot, saying she's going to burn in hell,
they said they felt like the one concept of satan as an angel who loved god more than anything and so he refused to be subservient to humans or something
i cant reacall exactly, but they had that feeling. "you're evil. i wil punisn you, i want to see you burn in hell. i am not in heaven because i am too cruel. but i will work to purge the world of anyone who goes against heaven. like YOU."
basically, they work for good but can neevr reach the good people because they are so full of hate and anger. but they will not tolerate evil.

so that was tonight

we had to atone and laurie found out she FRACTURED
THAT'S WHY SHE'S BEEN SO SCREWED UP
we need to bve very evvery very veyr vigilant with her now

but we atoned and it hurt, it hurts, it hurts,
were still bleeding and it hutrs it hurts
i dont want to do this antmymore

we're sos cared are we dying?
this is simeon hello.
the body is giving up we think. it is too sick, too sad. it's sick because it is so sad.
and it is tired all the time.

jay is fracturing too. the hacks are getting to him. he can't stay as 'innocent' as he must to stay in his core role, if he knows about hacks. so he splinters too. he gets vicious
but he hurts, he hurts like all of us do




(unfinished)

 

 

 

thursday=
virtually no early recollection outside of some dim awareness of therapy
I think that morning was the quadruple-rape nightmare? with the FAMILY.
very disturbing, probably why we don't remember this day at all
lots of nightmares lately in any case. almost all family-based.
i am aware though that genesis is getting royally pissed whenever we drive lately
he realizes just how quickly and easily we go into "performance mode" whenever there is ANY exposure to the public, i.e. "there are people around, we MUST entertain them" etc.
rules: keep the windows rolled UP when in town. do NOT play music around other cars. do NOT talk out loud in a car. he's very strict and angry about it because he sees just how fast slippage happens. so the rules are, minimize that risk, until we no longer feel the horrible "obligatory snapback" that causes us to dissociate into that behavior mode.
that night, cel and jacinth.
very telling? we've been trying to track down this kid for YEARS, turns out they ONLY come out in specific situations, cel somehow got them out.
going to have to review stuff in hindsight now.
long story short cel confronted them, I have no clue what they were talking about or doing? I'll have to see if it's on records, there are only vague location blurs. the clearest is them outside, under the cherry tree, in a thunderstorm. cel is hugging jacinth and sobbing "I love you, I love you, but I don't want this, please don't make me do this." and jacinth just has that blank mad look, the one that all numb negs get, the look that says "I exist to do that thing you don't want me to do," as well as "I feel nothing so even if I don't really "want" it either I don't "reject" it" and "I don't want to be self-aware, stop and just follow the script."
all I know is that at some point jacinth left, and cel was holding chaos and sobbing, and telling him how sad she was, how confused and hurt she was, how she wishes this could have been so different.
but this means there's another hacker gone. jasmine is gone since the retributors called her out on her shit. the androgyne is gone since laurie showed hir what ze was doing. and now jacinth is gone, now that cel made her just as strongly aware of what she was actually doing.
cel was crying though. "I loved her, but she was never actually there." told chaos it was heartbreakingly awful, knowing that you loved the soul of a person, their spark, but never really seeing that shine because they were too dead inside, they were too numb, they were too willingly ignorant or self-hating. and jacinth refused to become a person, she wanted only to exist in her programming, she DIDN'T WANT self-awareness. so when she was forced to get it, she left, just like so many of the other hackers.
I think it's notable that when Julie was faced with bitter, caustic self-awareness of that sort, SHE DIDN'T RUN but accepted what she learned, begrudgingly perhaps, but she WANTED TO CHANGE. I think she is literally the ONLY hacker to have made that choice in that situation, instead of choosing to die with their old viewpoint, or whatever is happening with these people.
hope that makes sense. it's important.
we are fighting back big time again now, and we're realizing that we have more power than any of us realized. we're realizing they never had power over us at ALL.


friday=
no memory of morning.
evening: found a bit of art motivation online, helped with willpower and confidence. somewhat upsetting though because it's like "why do so many good artists draw porn". not wanting to associate with that whatsoever.
later, jay (?) sacrificing his life for others again
chaos found out first, heartbroken, "stop giving everything of you to me"
slow suicide from WAY back.
"jay" saying he didn't even know why he kept doing this, why he kept harming himself so much and pushing himself too far, literally wishing for everything he suffered/ took out of himself/ sacrificed/ etc. would be given TO someone else to augment THEIR life instead.
chaos said he didn't want that, tried to give a lot of it back.
very vigilant now, aware that the "jay" bloodline people are not entirely "positive" and that a lot of them still hold that sort of white wintry problem.
also, more hack death. old methods/ programs are actually backfiring spectacularly now.
emphasis that programming doesn't work, at ALL, we DON’T want what they do and we are AWARE of that now, we aren't blacking out in fear and doubt.
i know at some point we decided we wanted to start the "headspace movie nights" again? i have a feeling xenophon had the loudest say in it.
so that night we rented and watched iron giant. message took strongly.
robots/androids in system appreciated it a lot, but we all have that "what does it mean to be alive/ "human"?" dilemma, "what does it mean to be alive," so the simple but meaningful "soul" bit in the movie struck a chord with all of us.
favorite bit though, "you are who you choose to be."
felt like the battlecry for our life right now.


saturday=
no memory of morning.
mother over house in evening.
outbursts? apparently anger overload. assumedly too much noise, or food guilt, or both? mother literally would not stop talking, followed us around the whole house talking, we couldn't even eat because she'd walk over and stand in front of us and chatter no matter where we moved.
someone stomped the floor at one point, foot hurts a lot.
first memory picks up AFTER that all ended, and mother is gone. no surprise.
in any case, bad food, got very sick. we are definitely allergic/intolerant to peanuts in some way, they make the body extremely sick, every time.
later, watched ted. scared to at first (we dislike R movies, as well as "adult" humor) but we mainly wanted to see how "typical media" handled such a concept.
shock of "some people out there actually live like that"
made us very sick at some points.
after movie, in light of recent events… inspiration from hotel fight scene, laurie beating up jay.
"I'm doing this because I love you" legitimacy, from her it actually is valid. I think jay asked her to as well? she's been refusing lately but something just snapped tonight.
really terrible because it is IN THE DIALOGUE after they beat the shit out of each other
and it's the ONLY time in the whole damn film that they SAY this to each other:
"I'm so sorry Johnny."
"So am I, man."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Listen. You gotta let me help you make things with you and Lori."
"There's no putting things right; she f*ckin' hates me."
"No, John, we could get her back."
it was a direct shot to the heart, point blank, in the most unexpected place
and our laurie jumped on that and that's essentially what happened with us too.
remind me to write about that somehow, please, i dont know how but i have to.
after all that was the first time I could see her face in months.
very very sick at night from the food, scared. talked to boss for a while, cz wouldn't leave our side. said he'd help. apparently he did. there is logged, there was a moment of real solid peace, intuitively understood the "say yes to suffering in order to transcend it" paradox, going to hold on to that. huge relief to finally "get" that again.
lastly. in church, realized system map is actually 3D and we got the flowchart wrong. there's horizontal and vertical. it really is a lotus. need to draw it, modeling ideal though.
very excited over this. feels real inside again, tuning back in to us.


sunday=
woke up, nightmares again. felt like something is getting to me, trying to make me forget good dreams, haunting me
almost no memory of morning? highly dissociated, felt very sick still.
chaos was very sad? not sure why? whoever woke up didn't even acknowledge him or something, snubbed him, I don't know. but he was tangibly concerned, pained.
shopping. for food, really dumb idea in retrospect (obligatory food) but it happened.
synchronicity in car already. music.
"here I am with open arms" played, remembered how that somehow ended up as one of ryman's songs, wondering on the lyrics. fighting more shame and self-loathing there.
"got to be real," after wondering w/ genesis. song felt yellow too.
afternoon: laurie and sandman trying to manage eating disorder
main problem: typically it's done by the A.P. to avoid experiencing the actual process
eating is often disturbing and disorienting; by running it through the A.P. the dissociation allows for experience of colors and textures but not of the actual 'eating' bit. this also plays into the "don't swallow anything" compulsion as well as the purging; "eating" is actually not the intended goal here
sandman realizing that the more scared a damaged/ child fronter gets, EVEN from being "yelled at" in discipline, or being spoken to very sternly/ angrily, feeds feelings of potent fear and confusion and self-loathing; that alter will dissociate and keep doing harmful things because THE MESSAGE DIDN'T REGISTER DUE TO THE FEAR. they keep pushing through waiting for a NON-SCARY response and the reason they don't stop on their own is because they are doing the best they can at the moment, according to what they understand. they don't realize they're doing anything wrong. but they also will not listen when someone yells at them "stop that!" because they don't know how to cope with that sort of behavior and will literally block it out and continue. it's confusing but we've been trying to put this into words for ages.
also, sherlock very angry with razwell. first time he's been directly communicated with for an extended time.
razwell is weird because he's been around for YEARS but he's always been in that weird "floating room" that the "good floating voices" are usually in? hyakinth is there sometimes, still no clue why. no clue who those people are, they don't feel too "nice" they're too businesslike? but they aren't malevolent, not actively at least. anyway razwell holds "obligatory/forced humor," which is the kind of shit that you hear in the "adult world" or at school and you learn to laugh at it even if it's not funny at all, even if it's rude or scary or wrong, because you "should laugh" and that shit. but we know its shit now. sorry for the language. and razwell knows it too. he'll laugh, forced and too loud, manic almost, at the "bad jokes" just like the mother does. but then he'll start sobbing in frustration now. he's never done that before. he realizes his job is forced and void of self and i think it's getting to him. it would be nice to get him on our side. he's yellow too, maybe that's tied into this
anyway that was today.
now I'm updating




There are things after me. Bad things. I know this for sure.
I've accepted that this sounds crazy, even from me. But it's true.
That's one thing I'm thankful for, about headspace. It's taught me a lot, it's allowed me to understand a lot more than I otherwise would have. And maybe all this really is just "in my head." But that's real enough. That's real enough, good and bad. Microcosms and macrocosms, you know.
Anyway. In light of this I want to apologize, again, for the entries that have been happening here for the past few months, if not longer. You know, how everything's been so bloody bitter and angry and negative. Yes, it's good to let stuff out instead of letting it rot. But did you notice, all of this stuff is ANCIENT? Every single "bad" entry we get is old stuff. It's circular. Because the old stuff, in and of its existence, is separate from its healing. And we HAVE healed it. It's just… we're looking at it too much in a straight line. And we're all, all of us inside, walking that road at different speeds. A lot of us are past the old stuff, way forwards in the healing point, the end of that awful road, we're free, we're done with it… but we keep wandering back, either to help other people, or because of doubt or second-guessing, or because of God knows what. And when we do walk all the way back, it's like time travel. We're mired in that all over again.
It's toxic. It's dangerous. So… I don't want to post anything like that here, any more. No more rants. No more negative mindspills. From now on if anyone in the System wants to do that, we had better figure out WHY, and then just sit and listen to them for heaven's sakes, talk to them, HEAL this instead of just dissociating and letting programming or the A.P. run its course blindly.

Headspace IS our saving grace, however inelegant that original word for us may be… and I've come to realize, very strongly, in recent weeks, just how blessed we are to have ourselves. To be ourself. It's been the best thing we have, as a person, as an individual.
The Leagueworlds are their own thing. The whole "bridge the gap" bit… I think was too dichotomous. Yes, we can't be an "individual" while we're tuned in to the Leaguestuff because we CAN'T be in that state, that's how creativity and inspiration works. There's no "gap," there's just a shifting of vision. That's it! We're still here, they're still here, it's fine. And we CAN talk to each other, outside of landlocked timelines, which are like that for integrity's sake and that's important too.


I'm kind of excited now… that's not quite the right word, but it fits well enough for now. Hopeful? Grateful? Looking forward, but being happy of where we are now.
I remember what our old entries were like. Not all of them were good, absolutely not. But there were a lot more System-based entries in the past, than there have been recently. Not all of those entries were good either-- there are a few where, looking back on them, I can remember how uncomfortable we were writing them because we knew something wasn't right, even though we had just experienced something inside it felt wrong somehow, fallacious, illusory. Like the truth had been temporarily twisted, like a bad dream, from what we were letting infect our mind at the time. Headspace is fluid, and it's very easy to be led astray if you're not paying attention. There's a certain feeling to watch for, when it's real, and another one, when it's not… intuition has been sharpening a lot over the years, and I can differentiate now. It's very, very important.

What I'm trying to say is, I know what we have to do. It's all little things, little victories and things, just small lights going on. Some of it is going to take a hell of a lot of iron willpower, because there ARE nasty forces trying very hard to stop us, and twist us up, and basically screw up our progress. To be blunt, we've been weak in the willpower department lately. There's been a pervading numbness and doubt and tiredness, and it's made us so unsure of ourselves that we haven't been fighting.
Well, no more. No more.

Our edges are important.
That's something I keep forgetting.
There's an audio file on Mitchell from 2013 about that… it's beautiful and I should upload it somewhere. I should transcribe it tonight.
But… it's one of those files that means a lot to listen to, because there's so much heartfelt sincerity in it. Not all of it is, again. At times the speaker begins slipping and trying too hard but they NOTICE that and stop talking. Still… it's audible, when the things they are saying are coming from their heart. And that hits a high point near the end of the file, when the speaker begins talking about just how thankful they are for those in the System, in the "coregroup," so to speak… how thankful they were for the bright and dark sides of those beloved souls, for their softness and their edges, for all that they were.

I'm rambling now too. I apologize. This is a bit of a "non-person" state; it feels contrived and I apologize.
However. That point is important.
Edges. Sharp bits. Laurie's blades. Genesis's teeth. Infinitii's burning shade. Chaos's being. Everything about us that seems dark and terrible and damnable, everything we've tried to scrub out, too many times, without lasting success… all of that. It's important. It's blessed too. IF IT'S USED AS SUCH.
And THAT'S the vital point we keep forgetting.
There's a quote we should print out… how anything, ANYTHING, can be "sacred of profane" depending on how it is handled, on whether or not the spirit moves into it, fully and aware, when that thing is experienced.
The Light can use the Dark just as well for its own purposes, so to speak, and I think it's because when the Light moves into something, it completely changes the nature of the thing. If the thing It moved into was truly evil or bad, guess what? That Light will melt it down. That Light will completely erase it. I know. It's happened to me.
And that's the thing. Anyone who tells us, "it's neutral, who cares!" doesn't understand that well enough. At least, not the ones who spoke to us.
I'm not going to start rambling about that again. Point is, we get it. We always DID understand what WE need to do, what's right for us, what we REALLY need/ want/ are looking for, et cetera ad infinitum. WE KNOW OURSELVES.
We have to stop letting other people define us on a whim. We have to start standing up for ourselves again. We have to start being warriors again-- and that term does not mean to be wantonly violent, or cruel. A warrior is power, used rightly. A warrior is truth and strength and unflinching integrity. A warrior has compassion that does not let itself be stepped on. I know exactly what it is.

I find it very important, hugely important, that yesterday Josephina finally started the Yellow Realms. He (ze? I should ask about pronouns again really) was distraught about how Yellow was, for a very long time, a negative color for us. I'm not sure when it started, but as of late that hue has been mostly toxic. And Jo has been slipping, numbing, calcifying, probably worse than ANYONE else as of late… and, shockingly, it's been glossed over, because 1) he hasn't been around much, which ties into 2) he's been getting like this more and more for a while now. And, awfully, I think we all just chalked it up to "Yellow problems" and shoved our anxiety about it under the rug.
No. No. We will not gloss over a System member's health anymore, ever, for any reason. If there's an infected or sick Color, we heal it. If there's a person who's like that, or worse, then for God's sake we HELP them as much as we possibly can, as earnestly and absolutely as we possibly can.

That's what I miss about the old entries. Most of the Xangas, a lot of the Glissando entries. Everything that resonated within. Everything that attested to the reality of us, of our System, of our community… and I know I keep saying that but we've been falling back out of doubt or shame or loathing or fear.
No more of that. No more of that, ever. We can't afford to be divided against our own heart anymore. We cannot afford to fight our own existence anymore, just because someone else convinced us we should be doing so.

I'm going to take a break from the Internet totally for a while, I think.
We've been warming up to that lately. We've all but quit Tumblr (hackers started using it so we flat-out avoided it immediately after we caught them), and it's a huge relief, for many reasons. We honestly don't use any other website anymore, haha. So that's good.
But. I think the more time we spend offline now, the better. The Internet has been a sort of ailment for us, for a while. Yes it's been helpful, but more often than not, it's been a jail cell. It's been a chain on our ankles. It's thrown obligations and fears and performances onto our shoulders and NONE of it is necessary, and right now we're just throwing all these metal restraints off into the corner and walking away. It's freeing.
We have too much to do, to waste our time trying to impress/ entertain others and then wish "we could do more." It's easy. Stop wasting our time.



I'm really trying too hard here. I've got to stop typing "to an audience" because then it feels artificial and overly structured and forced.

All right, bullet list.

- Our "dark" sides are important, because they include our sharper parts that can STILL be used for Good IF we are wise and loving about it. There is NOTHING "inherently evil" about our rougher edges if they are handled with wisdom and care. By the same token, even something we view as "totally good" CAN be used for evil IF the usage of it is motivated by such. Be careful. Don't think too hard. Talking too much just confuses everyone.
- Josephina has the spotlight on him right now. So does Yellow in general. Help him, learn from him, this is big.
- Don't let them touch you. EVER. Laurie and Chaos WILL help you.
- Stay offline as much as possible. You know how toxic things can be.
- Don't go down any rabbit holes. Don't get lost in old tangles. If someone else in the System is, help them out. Help them heal.
- Stay aware of what you've learned. Don't let blind obligations or imitations or shit get to you and lead you astray. You know what we need to do, and what it is unwise to do, and what it is harmful to do. Don't listen to anyone who screams at you. BE WISE. Ask inside.
- Stop writing and reading bad entries. STOP.
- Write/print out ALL healing revelations and lessons and refer back to those when people feel confused or lost or doubtful. STAY AWARE. REMEMBER. STAY AWAKE.


stop trying so hard. you don't need to impress anyone. glitz and glamour will get you nowhere.

be sincere. be purely joyful and childlike if that is truly your shine. don't let anyone shame you for it. tune back into the truest parts of us and don't ever lose sight of those colors ever again.


simeon:
hi.
jay is in love again. :) that's really happy. i'm happy too.
I'm not upstairs but its nice when people care about esach other.
it makes me feel really nice.
okay bye<3


hey on that, sorry he jumped in. there's a feeling of embarrassment in here still when people come un unannounced to talk or type. it seems "fake" but then we can't delete it, that's rude, it's offensive actually.

but it's true. it's currently at a point where… everything upstairs is so real that even WHEN there are doubts, horrible doubts, they just dissipate on contact. it’s like… I can be in the same room as crushing doubt now, and see it as totally baseless. it has no merit now. THAT'S where we are. that's how genuine this is right now.
I literally cannot, cannot remember the last time things were this solid. it's amazing.
it's different in a way. the atmosphere is different. nicer, calmer, a little more blue-green. but different. things are becoming clearer, coming together better.
we are really, really learning a LOT as a System. not just the pentagape people.
simeon's right. it feels really nice.


okay headspace movie week is still on and this film has about 30 minutes to go yet so we're off. sorry about how disjointed this entry feels. I'll review it later but for now I just need this posted or it's going to just sit here.

dishonored 2 was just announced I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THIS that game has had a huge impact on us too, this is great, that was one heck of a boost of optimism to our night.

tomorrow is therapy. goal right now is= heal those who are yet unhealed.
she said that is definitely possible, always, even for those like ashen, who are covered in scars. we said then let's do that, let's start this process, let's heal it all.
we're being so open and honest in sessions, we've never been so absolutely uninhibited before, I have to thank cannon and hatchet for that really they're incredibly brave and brazen, we need that.
this is real progress. THIS is real progress. speaking up, and being honest, and not shoving things under the rug, and not trying to be something we're not, or can't be. THIS is progress.
forgiveness is progress too.
we're capable. we've done it. we just have to shake off the dust on our shoulders.
we are who we choose to be.

 

 

Okay, let me try to write something here. just thoughts if you will.


I'm sorry I ate so much today. I ate a lot of apples, cucumbers, some carrots, and a lot of lettuce! some of that hemp protein powder, and a lot of that rhubarb stuff this morning. two tiny tiny apricots, they were awesome. and that's it.

I got sick from the rhubarb later? like when I woke up it was great, tasted amazing, totally fine. then later I got that "sour headache" bit and the thought of it made me sick, I started throwing up, stomach burning, head tight and foggy, etc. why?

but mostly I was looking for two things I think. one, water, and two, sweet things? like if I could have the fruit it was both, not too sweet because that makes me sick. but I was looking for water and sweetness.
not sure what that says about me right now.


I feel purposeless lately. like I have no direction in life. I KNOW that's not true, I'm here for a reason which is bringing light and raising my vibration, remembering what I am at source, but in this ego mindset… it's false, I know, but it's a lesson. growth is true.
I feel sick. like my head feels punchy and raw, my stomach is angry and sad. I feel wrong and embarrassed and ashamed and all mixed-up like dirty water. when I feel like that I get so shameful I don’t care about feeling better, that's bad. but I get so hopeless, "well now I'm like this, look how sick I am, oh well." it's self-loathing in a numb sense. it's sad more than anything.
I don’t want to be bloated and sick and suck feeling. I want to be healthy and energetic and tight muscles and bright feeling. happy. like I want a healthy happy body. not the fit blog stuff. I don't like that, at least, not the "pride" and "performance" sense. I don't want to show off or impress anyone or be showy or obsessed. I just want to feel good, and nice.

I want to cry though. like what do I do, what is my 'sweetness' in life, what is my joy. what do I do to bring joy into my life, to allow it rather.
I keep rejecting good things, do you notice? I manifest money, I buy something sweet and healthy and enjoyable and nice. and I do enjoy it, it's wonderful, I don't get sick, it's great. but then I feel guilty for eating it, or I get terrified that I'm "breaking some rule" or doing something "shameful" or "not allowed," something happens where I feel I'm not allowed to have that thing, and I throw it up or throw it away. and then later I look for it again, and it's gone, and I'm sad and upset, you're wasting my money, but the voice responds "you're not allowed to have it." "it's not safe." "it's better that you don’t eat it." well then DON'T LET ME BUY IT. but they do. they say, "don't buy this. only buy this." and that little part of me gets mad and sad, "but it's sweet, why are you forbidding me from having it," even if it DOESN'T want to eat it.
you see? it wants SWEET THINGS IN LIFE and it isn't seeing any outside of food. but it KNOWS food isn't the answer, it gets guilty and sad, it's shallow, doesn't solve the problem, doesn't answer the equation. and it throws it away, ashamed.

nothing can give you joy. joy is self-produced, it's an internal thing. joy is our natural state.
so, how am I blocking joy? I need to meditate, I can tune right in. that's good.
but I need it in my daily life too. when I'm not doing the traditional meditation, sit still alone, I need joy still, to stay around in me. without ego chasing it away, snapping at it. when I "untune" from meditation, sadness comes up. anger comes up. "no purpose." "I don't want to sit here all night." so we can meditate for hours, listen to nice music, that's fine.
but. you do that hour after hour for days, you start to get sad anyway. no forward movement, no glowing steps down the path. stasis. what do they call it… stationary. stagnant. an object at rest stays at rest. inertia! it feels like inertia. and we NEED to move forward into more light, open up, but the sadness is OVERWHELMING, what do we do with that? just feel it? over and over? maybe. but it's weird to express, it has no roots that we can see, it's just an emotion. but it's crushing. either way, yeah, feel it so it doesn't pressurize and make us sick.

that too. "us." uh-oh here's the guilt and anger and shame.
"us." there is US. many of us.
"stupid fcking faker shame"
"they're not fcking real you're a fcking faggot drama queen"
"I didn't say that shut your whore mouth"
etc. etc.
see?
always tied to the headspace people, (let me just ignore the screaming voice)
she says "I'm not a voice"
then who are you
"I'm a person, better than you! better than them! they're fake! not real!"
let me just discuss this please
"no shut the fck up"
why? this isn't hurting you
"yes it is!! get out of my damn head you faggot ass bitch"


"us." god we need to tune into that without this angry girl shooting horrible amounts of rage and loathing and hatred at us.
hatred loathing. that's the best term. anger. rage. it's just corrosive and red-hot metal, horrible harshness. like someone strangling you, hands around your throat and crushing. but on fire, with that deep black red fire of hellish coal. burning iron. no ash, just caustic hatred burn. she's not a nice person, she hates us.

the topic no one will discuss is, "love." the angry girl scoffing and jeering at it already.
just because we love each other does not make us "selfish fcking whores" okay, that's the problem. love is in families, with friends, with strangers, with admiration. love is everywhere. love is the core of the world.
"you're just trying to justify your fcking faggot ass ways, fck you, whore slut"
see what we have to deal with?
do we tune her out? she SCREAMS, "no!" she is very loud and it hurts. like internal ear ache from the volume and rage. it's scary really I don't like her and it makes me want to cry

but this is why we are struglling with the joy thing. there's that hate and rage towards anything that we "used to love" or truly do, deep down, and the denial makes us sick.

I do love the system, the rest of us, they're great people, I love them. we all hold a lot of love for this system and it. headspace. heartspace. but when we say "we love each other" there's that sick scared shifty-eyed feeling, total shame. the sort of sick shame that feels like fluorescent lights and sticky paint, empty rooms, getting undressed because that is shameful. why. why is the body shameful. because we were told it to? because it's not. it's a body. what is so shameful, why should we be ashamed of having a physical body that we all live in
it is not dirty and wrong, stop repeating that. it is an old untruth. it is a LIE. it is FALSE. it is NOT REAL.
but see the "each other" bit makes that feeling come up. it is tied to being used, I can't even imagine why, or how
like why would you even do that to someone
we can't even step into that perspective. Normally when there are two sides of consciousness to a situation, we can shift between the two as an observer and assess each side, to understand each motivation. Do you understand? But in this example which Simeon presented, that of two individuals in a "flushed-out energy room" (that's the term I'm getting?), a sort of mall dressing room actually-- the energy vibe of those sticks to it, that sort of anti-privacy, risk of irreverent exposure, the feeling of the body being treated as a commodity or item to sell, or decorate for the whims of others-- in that example, the opposite mindset is unavailable. It's impossible to understand, and so there is simply no data whatsoever.
The threat in that supposed situation was, that in saying "we love each other," this was meant in a licentious, abusive way. The mental image was that of a feminine figure, sitting in this room, in a vulnerable state-- getting undressed, something natural to do in private, when one wears clothing-- and being overwhelmed by both shame and "dull fear." The figure is hoping to embrace their innocent openness, the feeling of emotional sincerity and total vulnerable completeness of their individual aloneness, in this sacred private state. Let me make that more comprehensible… alone, the figure has the right and the ability to unclothe, removing these "barriers" and becoming completely "open?" There's a word I can't find, for that feeling. It's the sense of being completely candid, sincere, harmless, and innocent, pure intentions and total self-love, yet with a strong strength and empowered completeness to it. It's the sense of totally compassionate self-groundedness, of safety and love within the body, of treating it like a temple, and also a vessel of a sacred soul. That is the feeling tied to nakedness, to privacy, to being alone and able to do such things.
But in that example, instead of embracing that "true" feeling, the figure was frightened? The projected feeling was one of "shame," (it is currently incomprehensible), of "I shouldn't be naked, this is shameful," etc. But the angry girl's accusation caused a secondary figure of thought to enter the room then, in a telling manner-- without any reverence or respect, without any care for this individual before them, without any acknowledgment of their sacred individuality. This figure who entered the room-- admittedly, a caricature of "masculinity" as this outside culture has defined it-- enters with unknown intention, but this intention causes the feminine figure to "shut down" mentally, the way our body did during past abusive situations. The mind blanked out, burying all emotions, to prevent fear and anger and sorrow and indignation from making a threat to their life, through angering the opposing figure. But that ill-intentioned figure's intentions are actually incomprehensible, entirely, and so I cannot tell you what they are, ever. The generalized default is "they intend to harm the woman," but strangely this intention becomes fiercer when the "woman's" physical gender expression is changed to male: "they intend to destroy them." Again, odd, because the word "man" seems locked into a binary mindset, therefore it cannot be used without extending that gentleness onto the other "man." Therefore, the pronoun changes to neutral. I'm writing that down as it tells of our subconscious mechanics and that is always wise to know.
Nevertheless, the intention of harming another is incomprehensible. Now, with the head quiet (as I am in it) and no torment, I can look at this situation, and the angry figure indeed matches our comprehension. His expression changes to a shocked realization, he lets go of the other boy, he expresses sincere apology. We cannot fathom harming another.
But. Some other part of the subconscious kicks in. Change the boy back to a girl. What happens now? The opposer is now our mindset. He cannot attack. The woman now becomes the rage-filled attacker, and the instant the opposing man lays a hand on her, she explodes in a spiderlike flurry of sheer hatred, intending to kill, blind-minded and incapable of seeing him as a human. Do you see? This is also locked into our subconscious, due to past events, due to these harsh voices. It must be rewritten, against all instinct and programming.
The other threat is the fulfillment of the initial fear. That would equal the "woman" figure abandoning all sense of sacred privacy, of intimate chastity, and joining the man in hedonistic, senseless lasciviousness. No minds, no hearts, no thoughts. Just blind robotic action. We can't look at it, from either side, without changing it entirely… without injecting blessed consciousness into the situation and stopping it at a dime, with sorry apologies and concern now expressing on both sides.
Ideally… see, this is why I regret looking at those other mindsets. It is infectious. Ideally, the feminine figure would be left alone, her solitude respected, no danger occurring. But time stops then. We struggle with that, you see? When linear time enters the equation, the threat of hacks appears. Sacred isolation is great when time does not compute. When time is there, then the fear of hacks follows. I am not sure how to surpass that.
This is a long paragraph, I apologize.

Let me continue. Having these imaginary situations play out instinctively in the brain is a telling scheme. If I change the initial physical gender of this individual… now, a male in body (still brain-classified as feminine; "masculine" is tied to violence)… he cannot embrace the sort of sacred isolation of the woman form. Where a physical female would easily tune into that feeling of softness, that "pink" feeling of divine intimacy, safe and loving, defined by virtue and untouched by lust, the male would feel isolated from it. This is strange. Regardless of physical appearance shifts-- different builds, different faces, etc. to emphasize 'femininity' or 'masculinity'-- the internal initial feeling of "purity" remains the same, as it did with the woman, and yet this man still feels cut off from the total self-embracing compassion that the woman practically felt synonymous with. And yet he is not; but he cannot tune into it.
Why is this? Why is it that, when this imaginary man sees and tries to connect with that feeling, he pulls back out of imposed shame, of the feeling that he "is not allowed to feel that," that he will "taint it" or otherwise be mocked or deeply condemned for it? Why is this? I can feel it; if he embraced it he would shine like the snow, every face carrying the same bright joy, tearful from bliss. Nothing out of tune, total self-love, total virtuous integrity. There is no threat here, no hacks, no abuse, total healing. And yet the man, initially, recoils with utmost reluctance. He wants to become this totality more than anything, but he has been told-- he has been programmed not to. He has been shamed or damned or ordered not to, he has been told to act differently. Again, although I can list those differing behaviors-- the masculine clichés-- I cannot understand them, I cannot comprehend them. Violence, anger, greed, lust, hate. It hurts to write them. "Fear" is imposed on feminines as a result, as victims, but they are not. The men are jailed in this false mindset and those who get close enough to their core to feel this sparkling whiteness, this completion of anima and animus internally, this totality of self-- they cry, secretly, in the soul, as I would admittedly… to realize that there is such blessed virtue hidden here, forbidden from being shown. There is joy, there is life, there is blessed light, healing, integrity. There is honor in caring, there is no shame in vulnerability, there is an abundance of softer emotions that were never exclusive to either sex, so to speak. But the men were forbidden from feeling them, at some alleged great risk. Again, it hurts my head to try and fathom.
We are lucky, I suppose, as we are also unlucky. Our gender stereotypes have always been reversed, since the "dawn of time" in headspace, since the childhood of the body. Men were "feminine," and indeed the word for us elicits images of them-- men were caring, gentle, kind, loving, soft-hearted, and emotional. They were tender-minded and affectionate. They were the living example of what that "feminine figure" from before embraced totally, and they never showed any signs of having been barred from it in the first place. For us, for the original child's mind, men were feminine. This was natural for them. Even the "manliest men" had hearts of cloud, great awe-inspiring things that were softer than snow. But they were closer to their compliment now, to the power of the women, by that masculinity.
This is because, for that same original child, women were masculine. Now, initially, this too was a great blessing-- women were powerful, strong, assertive, tough, indomitable. Women were powerhouses, they protected all, they were mountains of strength in both body and mind. They had unflinching honesty and integrity, they defined honor and their very presence elicited admiration. They were like fires, like great mountains, all stone and flame where the men were cloud and water. And on the same page, even the most "feminine" (for us, similar to the men) of women still held a burning flame within her, undeniable to all, powerful and bright.
Nature was the great balancer. Nature was the genderless child, the green youth running bright-eyes through the trees, full of puckish zeal and boundless energy, impish and unstoppable, as free as the wind but crackling with hidden lightning. The trees were the child, an individual holding neither gender but embracing both, loving both, caring for both.
And then the abuse happened, and it was all perpetrated by women. Suddenly we had forest fires and fissures. Suddenly the women became what that "angry voice" Simeon struggled with is. Men somehow stayed forgivingly spotless until 2007 or so, during Cannon's era. But those years are tangled and, again, it hurts to think about them.
I know why. There were no abusive men, ever. But what the women did tainted the playing field for all of us. And that's where the "we love each other" phrase gets its fear from.

The original abusive women made femininity into something frightening. They wore it in painted-on mockeries, in loud and brazen screeches, and worst of all as warning sirens. I should clarify: we were only ever abused by visually feminine women. So the mother became the most feared physical individual for a while. But-- let me move on, I don't want to dwell on this as it will put down bad roots-- through this abuse of femininity, we eventually became absolutely terrified of feminine things… including closeness, softness, intimacy, sincerity, et cetera. Anything that matched that pastel pink color was now grouped in with the lurid lipstick hue, confused beyond recognition, and labeled as lethal.
So. Because of that and society, "love" became a dirty word. It was used by the abusers to describe things that were nothing but malice. It was used by strangers to describe things that reminded us of the abuse, that made us freeze up in choking fear and check out entirely. You get the point. And so when we suddenly began to meet men-- who were still otherwise harmless to us-- who were now seeking romance, or something close to it, Cannon appeared. Her sister was the one who was a "female without femininity," an empty shell capable only of parroting the "surface level behavior" of how a woman was supposed to act, nothing deep or genuine. Cannon dealt exclusively with the relationship business, but she and Laurie were the sudden, vengeful, and wrathfully heartbroken resurgence of the masculine female, the ideal that had been buried for years. What am I saying. Cannon hated romance, whether it was from a man or a woman, because to her it was the source of all corruption. Without "romance," without sexuality, without any of that nonsense, both women and men were spotless. With it, they were both ruined. So that's where the hatred of Jacob came from initially, something we never understood until we could see Cannon's true motivation.

In recent years we've since healed the femininity label, and it's now completely recognizable again. We're still cleaning up the masculinity, as it is still strongly tied to the abusive/abrasive females in our System (and the outer world too). However we are struggling desperately with healing the "relationship" label once there is a degree of genuine closeness. Parents, friends, admirers, partners, they are all spat on with seething condemnation by the angry voices, once they form a genuine connection with the person they "love." And that word should not be in quotation marks, but I suppose that is a Freudian slip in its own way.
Love is still doubted. Do you see how terribly painful that is? Love is still doubted. For whatever reason, one cannot say "us" or "each other" or "I love you" in here without being called a-- excuse me-- a slut or a heathen or a whore.
It's keeping headspace from happening, lately, so to speak. The AP is being so forceful in light of this problem that it is becoming progressively more difficult for us to communicate with each other while fronting. We must be "isolated" so as to "remove all threats." (Laurie says this is "complete nonsense" and I must say it is quite a relief to hear her speaking up in light of this topic.)
Jay suffers the most. He is the one singled out for utmost hate and condemnation by the angry voices. He is the one who is perpetually referred to with slurs and insults (as I listed before). He is constantly told that he is an abomination, against both his own morality and the greater purpose of things, because he loves people. That is absolutely incomprehensible to me. How could that even be? But it isn't, and that is the point. Jay is doing nothing wrong, and yet every fiber of this programming is screaming with rage that he is the very definition of wrongness. Everything negative in this collective mind hates his guts. But everyone in our System sees that there is nothing to hate him for.
Laurie is the most torn up over this, understandably so, as she has seen and known firsthand the truth of this situation.
It's hard to even type this. The brain is actually trying to shut me out.

There is a deep-rooted hatred and shame and loathing tied to all close relationships, especially those that can be labeled as "romantic," whether they are or not. This probably has the strongest ties to Cannon, who is still in tears with hatred over what people have done to us under the label of "romance" before.
Jay is aromantic, which makes this even more difficult. He does not understand "movie romance," or what is marketed to him, in either expression or motivation. He's rather repulsed by it, admittedly. But he has absolutely no fear about expressing love to others when he genuinely feels it. This is the important distinction. The fear keeps assuming that Jay is acting from the same incomprehensible motivations as the abusers, simply by being in a relationship of any sort. The brain has defined the very word "relationship" AS abusive, at this point, in all contexts. This is false. But the knee-jerk fear is crushingly difficult to get over.
Part of this is programming. Jay is still terrified of being abused, God knows why (that was Laurie). He slips out of self-love due to doubt, and becomes frightened that the other person in the situation is obligated to be abusive, regardless of their real intention. That's what I mean by the word 'relationship' being dangerous. He automatically assumes that since he can't hurt anyone, that they're going to hurt him instead, that they HAVE to. That needs to be healed.

Those harmful thoughts are not true, and we need to stop reiterating them. We need to focus on positive truths, as I did earlier, which was significant. When we truly focus on and feel positive truths, even if we are just reciting or reading them, the vibration sticks. If we can all focus on the PROOF that relationships within this System are safe and loving and positive, then this fear will be overcome, as the fear has no roots left. None. Yes, it sure looks like it does. But they are brittle and dead. We have reached a state of mind where we KNOW we are being lied to, and where our reaction is to simply shift our attention to the truth instead-- fighting a lie only gives more energy to the lie, as we know with the Tar and Plague.
So I apologize if I temporarily made this trickier, through discussion of it… Laurie says there's nothing to apologize for, it helped highlight a lot of important things "and we're all grateful for it." I'm glad to hear it, Laurie, thank you.


Where was I.

It’s strange, fronting for long periods of time, because then you invariably notice, even if only for a moment, that you are in this body. It's confusing, as far as mismatching goes, but never have I ever thought of it as something negative. I love this body. I truly do. Not in the sense that is "mentally implied"-- the 'hedonistic' sense, of someone who lives wastefully and unwisely. No, I love it as one loves a young child, and watches over it, not as a parent but as a custodian. This body to me feels foreign, and yet I am not it, I am simply residing within it halfway. Temporarily, as well. But it is something to be taken care of. It is innocent, like a child, and just as trusting. It is deserving and needing of care and protection. This we must do, and I am willing to ensure that it is done. Javier and the others will too. But this voice, this strange reckless girl who claims to "own" the body, hates it, and hates us. I don't think she can understand us, just as we cannot understand her.

Laurie says not to listen to her. Simeon says that's tricky as she's loud. Laurie says "well, then just get a pair of earplugs or something." Perhaps that is good advice. "Ignorance is bliss," in the correct context. If we know this angry voice is nothing but a malicious liar, then let's simply not pay attention to her. Don't think ill of her, don't yell at her, don't interact with her. Just relinquish your attention, with humility and self-respect (not pride or judgment, that will only feed a different negativity), and turn your focus to what is real instead.
I'm beginning to sound like Jay. Laurie says "then maybe you should get out of there." Perhaps I should. I know he has "homework" to do from therapy but I do not know if it would be wise to start it at this hour (Laurie says no). This body had a tricky day, but let's focus on the positives. Laurie, that should be a daily exercise, I think. She agrees, so let's write this stuff down. Who fronted for this entry earlier?


Good things about today= (by lots of people!! Jewel too, this is my job obviously XP)
1. We're listening to M+A on Spotify right now and this is such cool music, I love the style, it's like candy popcorn in a turbine. Really! It's glitchy and cute and unique. Music is so great.
2. This entry. It helped us get our thoughts together and it shed light on some important issues. They say "you are wherever you need to be," so I am glad this was written, even if I cannot see the ultimate relevance to it from here. That is fine.
3. I'm glad the kid didn't do anything stupid this evening, when that massive depression hit. Could've been much worse than it was.
4. Jewel just wants to start writing a huge list of things we're thankful for, but this one is only for today. So to that I will simply say, I am thankful for her. She is a ray of sunshine in our System.(Awww, thank you!! <3)
5. Do you guys ever realize how fantastically cool food is? Like I know you two don't eat, but that rhubarb stuff is AMAZING before whatever afteraffects you said there were kicked in (Spice says that's why you need to check in with us before eating things). Yeah I don't get bad food stuff. But apples are great, rhubarb is great, I think that's all I remember. Salad is Emmett's thing. I'm thankful for Emmett too, he's cute! He hasn't been around lately though? We'll have to leave reminders out or something, he's important.
6. I'm glad the bad lady went away.
7. We got some exercise in this morning, so we're on schedule.
8. It was a SUNDAY and Sundays have such a nice vibe to them.
9. Jay here. I'm thankful for the massive synchronicity that just hit with this song.


…I purposefully taped the pictures of Chaos and Xenophon that Nikki drew for us behind this computer… that way I will see them at least once every day, without getting distracted by unimportant things. This is important, what we have and how we feel for each other is important, and there's that doubt again. Please go away.
…No, that’s never worked. Let me follow Sherlock and Laurie's advice. (also really this song is beautiful.)
I have this huge fear that anything vaguely like "romantic love" is morally wrong. However that only applies to me; Sherlock you missed that. (He says he didn't know; that's okay. You know it now, dear.)
I am honestly sick of people telling me that everyone else is allowed to show every sort of affection, without the slightest hint of condemnation, and yet I can’t so much as say the word "dear" without being called a slut. There's absolutely no reason for it.

I am capable of love. I know I am. To be incapable would be an impossibility.

I think the fear is something different.
I think the fear springs from my vice of apathy, and my fear of being used. My real fear is that I don't actually love them at all. My real fear is that I am more comfortable with emotionless numbness than I am with "signing myself over to someone." And that's NOT what love is. But some part of my subconscious still insists that "a relationship"-- again, of ANY sort-- means that I have to "sell myself" for it to work. (Laurie keeps saying this is wrong in the background, don't worry I hear you) ("but do you believe me," she says. Yes, I do. It just needs to put roots down)
Yes, I love my daughter, and I want the best for her, and I want to see her happy and taken care of. She brings me so much joy, I adore her. But just because I'm her "father" does NOT mean that I have to sacrifice my own self, my own health and happiness, in order TO care for her.
Yes Laurie, I saw that eyebrow raise. This is how weird my thought process is from all these false lessons. My subconscious keeps getting so entrenched in fear, that it forgets that the other person is a person, and not just a temporary entity that exists in order to abuse and/or use me. Once I care about someone or something, my brain says, "you now have to dedicate every moment of your life to it, or you won't actually love it." And when I say no, that's ridiculous, the voice says "then you don't actually love them. You're just selfish." So part of me ends up angry and sad and frustrated because I want to be able to love myself too, I want to be able to care for my own needs, but this programmed voice says "NO, you CANNOT love yourself if you want to love someone else." That's the old diseased root.
Laurie says, "where does the abuse come in." Uh… hm. I don't think it does, not here. This is the "male" abuse. The "female" abuse was outright destruction, merciless sabotage. The "male" abuse was this stuff, the feeling of "do everything I say, devote every moment of your life to me, don't upset me or disappoint my expectations." And the penalty of not doing that, was feeling that I was incapable of actual love, that I was unworthy of being loved, that I was too selfish and slutty to actually care about anyone. Oh dear heavens that is textbook misogyny, I never realized that until now. Geez. Wow. But yeah, it was a double standard. "I'm going to demand everything of you, because you love me, as proof that you love me. But I won't give you anything." And that has been 'my' fear in every single "relationship" since 2007 or whenever Spinny and Cannon showed up, I don't know, I wasn't around, this is ancient data.
But it bleeds over into my relationships now, IF they fit that context. Laurie, you are shockingly and blissfully exempt, probably because you're totally aromantic and asexual, therefore making you "incapable" of that vicious demanding (it's tied to romance). Genesis is hit-and-miss. We're mostly friends, and he's harsh at times, so I can act natural around him. Wait, that's weird. The harshness seems to be a saving grace. When people aren't soft or romantic, they're totally safe, but when they are, the fear is that they will act like those men or women of the past? I don't know, this makes my head hurt, I am slipping terribly. Sherlock says "then don't talk about it."

Sorry. I slip worse than anyone. This is all garbled nonsense, I'm not really here. I'm co-fronting with someone I think.
I think that's the real problem here. I really do. I really think that's the problem.
I'm only terrified of Chaos and avoidant around Xennie and bitter around Genesis and numb around Laurie when I'm actually not the person fronting. When I'm centered and aware of myself, that problem isn't there.
And now my heart is absolutely shattering because I just realized, CZ is an EMPATH, he picks up everything I radiate; maybe he's only ever "frightening" because he's picking that up FROM ME? Oh God that's terrifying, I am so sorry. But it makes total sense. Total sense. "Everyone is your mirror," and he's the clearest mirror I've ever had, we know each other too well. He never, ever, EVER scared me when I was in tune with my own soul. In those cases he is this divine compliment, you all know that. But when I'm feeling dissonant, when I can't quite get a grip on my name or my face or anything, then he acts differently, he slips too, oh dear God I never realized that. How did I not catch that before. Xenophon would always notice, maybe that's why I unconsciously avoid her, maybe the Plague really is puppeteering me at this point. I can't let that continue. I can't.
But there's hope, there's a lot of hope. I need to carry reminders. I have to be careful though so things don't get numbed out. Infi I'd wear your necklace, ze says please do if it will help. It's probably the best option; Infi's energy hits like a truck so even if a negative fronter tries to numb out the response to it, any contact will punch through that. Thank God.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm unraveling really badly right now. I still don't know who I am. I'm splintered all over the place. People keep calling me by the wrong names, I can't remember the last time someone called me the right name, I don't even know what my name is.
We'll figure this out. Should I stay here, should someone else come out, or what?
Laurie says stay in and calm down. There's a horrible anxious fear in here.



Hey, Jayce here. Holding the house for a second. I don't do anything like eat or binge or abuse so chill out, Laurie. I'm just gonna listen to this tune for a minute. Also Jay's right, there's a lot of fear hanging around, but I think it's in this document, or at least in the typing. Like just writing in here feels anxious. Yeah maybe you should close it up. Hold up, music time. I'll be out when it's over, then you just do whatever. 'Kay thanks.
(btw you guys gotta stop being so negative, take a page from me and Jewel, seriously. lighten up. life is good.)




…No, my name is Jay Iridos. It locks right in when I am myself. I think that says a lot.
Splinters happen, but they happen for a reason. Our mind compartmentalizes things for healing's sake. But I love every splinter, I love every voice that ever was and ever will be, because we all have a reason to be here.
Words are laughably tough for me because I feel thoughts, I don't say them. Poetry is my thing. This song is lovely, thanks Jayce.

If we try to type any more, this entry will collapse. Words aren't working for what I want to say. Sherlock's point about "focusing" would be wise to act upon daily. (Sorry, language.) Laurie, you always understand what the real truth is, and you always guide others towards walking that path on their own, not ever dragging them (far). Thank you for always speaking up when people get lost momentarily, we follow your voice back most of the time.
Jewel, you always see the brightest things so thank you for giving us a constant light of hope and optimism. I'm slipping again, that happens when I try too hard to say things.
Words are not my native language, at all. I love all of you.

Oh yes. Also, why it's causing me a lot of discomfort to discuss this. I literally just had this article forwarded to me by the universe, and that explains this better than I can. This entry feels like a jumble, let's be careful not to let that repeat. Sherlock dear you think too hard, we all do, but I appreciate the love that led you there.

Laurie insists I close up in my usual way, so I will. Have a lovely night, all of you, sincerely.

 

 

 

 

Whoever keeps fronting when we go out in public, especially when we visit the biological family, PLEASE STOP.

You are rude and mean and careless. You DO realize that the ONLY reason "your actions have no consequences" is because WE are suffering the consequences for you???

Stop it. Stop it please. You're hurting the children and we're afraid of you and some of us are VERY MAD.

I don't want you around so please go away and leave us alone.

Laurie is mad at you and Knife is mad at you and there's a few new people who seem nice and they are mad at you too!! Because you keep eating and saying bad things and hurting the body and you don't seem to care, I saw you, you don't even care that we exist, you want us dead and gone.
I saw you before, I think, a long time ago. I don't want you to come back and be mean anymore.

Go away. J and Javier are supposed to drive, not you. I'll chase you out myself if I have to, even if it's hard.


You don't have a bloody monopoly on the body, so stop treating the thing like your own personal trash dump. We literally LIVE in this thing, same as you, and you had better respect it or so help me I WILL find some way to cut your head from your shoulders without beheading the rest of us in the process.
Bottom line, whoever the heck you are, you'd better stop this fast or the consequences won't be so invisible anymore.


As you can likely tell, today the body needed to visit its biological father today. Since this was a directly social environment, where interaction was both constant and unavoidable, an unknown social fronter manned the entire trip. After several such occasions, we have verified that this is indeed the same individual every time. Unfortunately, they are neither a beneficial nor a benevolent fronter. They are lewd, proud, selfish, and apathetic to the needs of others. They are a disgrace to our System and we would be loathe to let this person front again now that we are acutely aware of how they present to the public.
Laurie, after having observed this person for an extended period of time, has also now verified that this unknown fronter does have an energy overlay. As suspected, they fit the criteria for the "manic red voice" referred to in the past, notably here. (This voice is suspected to have written this entry as well, in a less suppressed state.) However, this voice's appearance is not outwardly red, surprisingly; instead, it is that of a teenage girl with long brown hair, and brown eyes. It is unknown whether or not this voice is tied to the original body host or not. Whether or not they are, our verdict on them is clear: they are an undesirable individual and must be forbidden from all future fronting if at all possible. This may prove difficult; they are strongly anchored to social situations, so we will need to find a replacement fronter for such situations who will not be overwhelmed or otherwise rendered incapable of fronting for an extended time period in an interactive environment.

jayce isnt bad he's good with the reflection maybe he can do it?


He's been trying to, kid, it's just that the man ain't used to being IN a physical body yet. But that's a good idea, I'll work on it. --Hey, and if you don't mind my asking, who the heck are you? D'you have a name yet? A face? Anything?

no just a yellow color that's all. but i'll look for a name if that will help?


Yeah, sure, that'll help a lot. Thanks little guy. I promise you I'll keep an eye out for this witch of a social fronter from now on, she really ticked me off today. Thank God the AP was-- wait, Sherlock, you didn't mention that yet, did you? Go do that.

Sure. Up until today we always assumed that the "default" empty consciousness in the body was the Autopilot, i.e. the accumulation of programmed responses with no capacity to interact otherwise. However, our experiences today have shown hints of evidence towards the contrary-- there may be another "empty" fronter that we have been confusing with the AP all this time. This other fronter is a "numb" consciousness, incapable of holding or expressing a self-identity of its own, and only acting on orders. Laurie spoke of interacting with this voice with Javier earlier this week, and both of them also assumed it was the Autopilot. However, the major distinction seems to be that the AP operates on a pre-programmed operation list, whereas this numb fronter operates according to orders given in real-time. We will continue to be vigilant from now on, in order to more clearly distinguish the two, and gain a better idea as to how to manage their fronting times and behaviors.


Thanks man. Hey I also want to shout out to J, or Jay, however the heck he's spelling it now-- the white-haired rainbow-eyed kid, you know who I'm talking about. J, I know you're reviewing the archives trying to figure this stuff out for therapy, but for the love of sanity, have some of the data voices do it every once in a while. You are so freaking sensitive to that stuff that it is dragging you right back down INTO those old mindsets, and with how fractured your identity has been lately as well, let's just say I don't want that happening. Which is ironic, because I don't think you know what the heck you're reading, you're just acting on imitation and... man, I want to say empathy but again, I doubt you even understand what it is you're trying to imitate feeling-wise. Just... don't slip. Okay? You're so bloody sensitive I don't want you being shoved out of your own bleeding head by shadows and sharp edges. I worry about you, and I'm really worrying right about now as I haven't seen you in a couple of days, not solidly at least. Same with Infi, please tell me he's all right, I know the two of you have been going through hell lately and frankly it's scaring the everliving daylights out of me.

laurie are you okay you seem upset? that's not like you.

No, not really, I guess not. Sorry. I'm just... really freaking tired. Can we close this thing up for tonight, get our heads on straight, come back tomorrow or something? Weekends are hell and half to get through, I really just can't wait until Monday.

okay, I'll close this up. goodnight everybody.