prismaticbleed: (aflame)

It’s been 20 years since we first truly woke up to the reality of being a System.
Every moment since then has been priceless– the gore and glory, the horror and hope, the fear and faith, the blood and bravery, the loss and love.
In this past year, our collective life changed more dramatically than ever. We woke back up from our biggest dead period ever, we were hospitalized for months, we moved out of our toxic birthfamily household, and we fell entirely in love with another System who we hope to spend the next 20 years and more with, growing and glowing and healing and helping each other become greater than we ever thought was possible before.

 

We've decided that this is our System’s anthem for the birth of 2018.

 

Idon’t know you, but I love you.
I don’t know you, but I miss you.
I don’t know you, but I need you…

 

There are so many nousfoni in this System who are still unknown– faceless, nameless, selfless. But they exist, they have a purpose, they are irreplaceable, and we need them… We miss them, and we love them.

 

Cells, planets, same thing.

 

We are a macrocosm in a microcosm.
We are an entire universe unto ourself.
We Adore our life, and all we want to do is live according to that, for our good and the good of all the other souls and cells and systems on this planet.

 

We are so happy to be alive. We are so happy to see another year. We’ve touched death so many times, but in the end, ze always lets go of our hand and says, not yet. Not like this. Keep going. When I do come to lead you ever onwards, to take you beyond, I want to see you smiling. I want to hear the story you have to tell me, of this one wild and precious life. All of you.
And so, as fireworks bloom in the sky and in our heart, we promise you and us both, that we’re going to live it for all it’s worth.

 

Here’s to 2018.

 

❤❤❤

 

With all our love and light,
the Lotus Cathedral System.

 

123117

Dec. 31st, 2017 09:49 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)
1231. Sunday.
Last day of 2017.


------------------

Morning notes from bed:

Socials COULDNT admit multiplicity, Broke their job
Wanting That intimacy w EVERYONE
i.e. they were always seeking relationships outside that could NEVER match the inside intimacy they already had but could NOT admit because then they COULDN'T FUNCTION AS SOCIALS. caused tons of problems

q, y introjects
former is "libris." we know he exists, we've spoken to him outside of memory. tied to the "jewel" of that time, NOT a jewel i don't think? not even a bloodline? not sure.
Jackie too, Alex, jmc, etc?
Roles in the system? Memories?

talking about Jude, jennifer

Laurie, fear of love being used, action movie cliche ("if you love them, i'll hurt them to hurt You")

Check your facts!!
Jo's history? Why skulls?

-----------------------

the rest of the day:

went to chile's for new year's dinner with the fam!
the trip up we Were worried; some social girl was Panicking that we'd "have to eat trigger foods" but we told her no we didn't have to, love we're sure they have good options. just calm down, whatever happens we will deal with it together. let's be happy and not expect the worst before anything even happens. so she did! and when we actually got into the place and got the menu, she was so profoundly relieved, she let us take over totally. god bless her, she's learning and healing too.
btw i think that green spider daemon was advising her too. i have that distinct impression. no idea who he's tied to yet though. iscah was also offering her support, with her religious positivity, "eat what is given to you" out of love and trust, never fails for her. her faith is true and sweet, it's actually very refreshing in light of the traumatic religious upbringing and toxic religious environment our past was saturated with.
but man. the place was so cozy and good. we had such a good time.
kristanova got his birthday steak!! he gave us two bites and it was AMAZING. he gets it rare and bloody and the texture and taste is just divine. man. we've never had it like this before meeting him and we don't blame him for enjoying it so much. we also have Feelings about meat, although we don't like eating it much we do respect it.
we personally got cilantro-lime salmon and oh man it was fantastic. so good. it had the good-blackened bits at the bottom which have the best taste and texture ever. we were worried about ordering actually; salmon Almost became a HUGE trigger food thanks to UPMC, and certain preparations of it still are. but this wasn't. we thoroughly enjoyed it.
we also got chicken and waffles in lieu of dessert, but the waffles actually made us super sick so we didn't finish them. smart. our stomach just doesn't like white flour or sugar, so we have to remember that and be careful.
mason let us taste his tequila, and we ate the lemon and lime slices as usual. we also had honey-barbecue chicken (i think) as an appetizer, and the taste of the sauce was SO perfectly vermilion it called algorith out! so she actually ate it, and enjoyed it thoroughly. she was smiling so wide, just enjoying life in general so suddenly but completely. lord we love her. it was good to have her around.
we also had fried pickles, plain chicken tenders, spanish rice, steamed broccoli, honey mustard sauce, and a bite of oliver's cheesecake and mason's caramel cake. both Way too sweet for us but all we need is a crumb to know what it tastes like for data purposes. that cheesecake sauce is still cerise, and caramel isn't quite brown, but feels like it fits amber?? it's the warmth. also genesis, no one is surprised.

went to food lion on the way home and BOUGHT ROSE CHAMPAGNE.
finally after like 12 years the injoke becomes a reality, god bless
(of course we brought chaos zero's anchor plush into the living room with us as we drank it, he started this whole thing)
also bought lettuce, orange juice, and tiny candy canes-- green And red, last box in the store.

got home, ate that entire head of green leaf lettuce (a small one, mind) with ginger and soy sauce, while researching the cultural origin of saying "bless you" when someone sneezes. actually really fascinating, surprisingly applicable to headspace-- tying into the breath & the head, the soul and such. thinking upon that.
oliver researching heraldic beasts and they are GORGEOUS.
he drew OMEN in that style (rampant) and WOW she looks beautiful.

as the time wound down jewel brought ALL our plushes out into the room. it's her tradition.
celebi, unisalia, diancie, maitru, bistric, darkrai, chaos zero.

sat and cut out paper strips so we could write our names on them and visually "map out" who is on what level, what outspacers are tied to which cores, who holds what roles, etc. can't "brainstorm" that fluidly on a computer, it's impossible. we need to touch it, we need that open creativity.

watched the cnn livestream on oliver's laptop as the ball dropped in nyc.
kisses as the new year rolled over. best thing ever. always hoped we'd get to do that physically one day, not just in headspace. although in the past we always hoped it'd be physical With headspace people. this is just as good actually-- we're still kissing headspace people, aha. people we love with our entire collective heart.

apparently got a drunk buzz. dizzy, slight headache, everything super floaty. not a fan actually. too much like anaesthesia, plus we don't like alcohol.
gotta reason with the "social programming" nousfoni though, the ones that are looking for alcohol solely because they're "expected to" by previous life situation contexts. that "mimicry" problem is our biggest issue right now but it's also fairly easily overcome; if one of us steps in and helps them check their facts (hey jo!!), they can quickly realize that there's no actual want/need beneath that compulsion, and they can stop. the hard part is Getting to them; socials still exist on a subsystem so they're hard to reach yet, there's usually a barrier as well as time loss and heavy dissociation. but it lessens every day. and we connect with them after, always now. bridging that gap for good.
in any case apparently being drunk makes us even more affectionate and obsessed with research. again, no one is surprised.

jewel DREW A THING in our little sketchbook for new years!! the excitable jewel. we recognize her style. she drew preludove and wished us well in the new years and put little smiley faces under the exclamation points. we'll treasure it forever.
drew it half in 2017, half in 2018, the best way to do it.
oliver drew kyo and she looks so adorably gorgeous, gosh we love her so much.

stayed up until 1:45 or so. bodies too tired.
oliver couldn't stop kissing us and it was so sweet. thank god for pink champagne. hence the injokes.

we got hit by that feeling when we went to bed though. so much love we thought we'd die from the bliss, from this sudden aching need to just melt into them, inhabit the same space, wrap them up in our very bones. almost cried from it. blissful though. god how blessed we are to have this.

what a year. what a beautiful, terrible, unforgettable year. what a beloved endless time.
it felt like it lasted for eons. we don't solidly remember anything before we woke up in upmc. there's only distant snapshots, like from another life. and we cannot remember, at all, what it was like to live in that house in PA already.
our live really only began at the end of june this year. six months ago.
and now, here we are, going into that purple year, infinity sideways marking every day now. how fitting.

god bless 2017. best year of our life so far. thank you, thank you, thank you.
we can only imagine what lies ahead. good thing it's up to us to build it. we'll fill every moment with as much light as we can possibly muster. (and that's a lot, we have to admit.)

here's to the new year. here's to our new life.
happy 2018, everyone. we love you.


- the lotus cathedral system

123017

Dec. 30th, 2017 11:04 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

1230. saturday.

today lasted like... five years, what the heck
i apologize for this mess of an entry as a result but it really was ALL ONE DAY

morning run. YES THAT WAS TODAY.
830AM NOTES on that =

Sunrise, pink and cold and beautiful.
Genesis running alongside us at first, making sure we were ok.
Talking to Laurie, lucky penny comment. Then FOUND one
Food lion. Her whistling for attention at reduced rack, check our focus.
Got called SIR on the way out!
Had a dollar left, went to gas station
Penny in lot
Decided we wanted a TAMALE
Sweet old dude paid for it for us!
So we got Wreckage a DONUT
Walking home: "Ahrima?" Laurie, Wreckage, Jeremiah, Maverick
Minty seeing the rocker bunny on the track, torn
Church & breakfast plans. Mav & Wrex talking colors. Echo Lalia there too, no voice of her own readily?
So so happy.
NEED to do this regularly.


-------------------------------------

THIS EVENING =

eating trouble.
we made two omelettes for dinner, and then a night meal, BUT. we realized the trouble here.
1. still seeing food as art. didn't WANT to make two. but DID want to MAKE SOMETHING.
2. so many different people fronting.

we think "taureia" is the name of that DAEMON???
tied to the girl who ONLY comes out to binge in order to purge; triggered by fear. she's a failsafe???

versus rupture.


Blue girl = COMPULSION W/ fam expectations??
Food, grandkids, etc. PANICKED obedience, forced, utter denial of any self-honesty


noticed today, the girl angry at murphy is NOT the angry brown jess OR triple
she's MENTIONED IN 2015 i think.

"i'm not a good nousfoni"


-------------------------------------------

AMOR ET SACRIFICIUM = ribbons!!!!!!
SELF LUMINOUS

Formshift cores, like jewels. EXPLORE.
Apprenticeship, heartspace, leaguespace, outspace
OUR "NEODYMIUM"

"SXUALITY" COLORS. from old entries. different vibes & applications, never explained.
black, red, pink, Cerise. ORANGE?
FEEL OUT AND DESCRIBE

HEART TOUCHES ARE SAFE AND HOLY AGAIN!!!
(YOU NOT DISCONNECTED)


-------------------------------------------------

the heaviest thing today = talking about sxuallity with the arrows, on messenger.
our moral stance + daemons + trauma, and their innocent human painless experience.
both of us discussing childhood with this.

trigger warning for discussion of sexual topics, including abuse/trauma



what we remember offhand:


Childhood= baths with brother, anatomy difference. Naturally fascinated by difference, parents would NOT talk about this. Passively treated us like a threat to them.
We were weirdly obsessed for a while? Bizarrely, NO conception of our own bodies femaleness? Not sure why.
Obsessed with this???

Childlike gender thoughts: girls wore pink ribbons or had eyelashes, boys didn't.

When did the Julie trauma start?
It has SUPER EARLY ROOTS.

First direct instance: in that godforsaken bathroom, age 12, 13? Feel SO young, but not a child. Remembering, with great fear, hearing Someone talking about how "sex is the best feeling" or something? Praising it as this sublime thing. Terrified, tentatively touched our body there. Immediate sensation shocked and shook us. Nearly cried from this "betrayal," quickly reclothed, thinking "how could Anyone want That," tore door open and immediately memory blacks out. I assume we hid in our room and shook and cried, felt existentially wrecked. No idea Who holds that, but I know they exist.

No clear memory of When Julie started, but l Clear memory of Fearing her. Leaving 6th grade classroom, mentally JEWEL, dreamspace situation to cope with/ feel & reason out fearful situation possibilities. Imagining being in some public place like a restaurant or bar, but in a side hall where we couldn't be seen, felt isolated and trapped? Cerise intimate vibe but Corrupt. Guys AND girls (ratio??) trying to "get with us." NOTABLE ABUSIVE MANNERISMS. We had NO conception of healthy flirting OR relationships? Literally EVERYONE in those imaginings saw us as an object. "You're pretty, I want to have sex with you, then never see each other again." But that sex was Also Going to be traumatic. THEREFORE, JULIE WOULD SWITCH OUT. Literally. Our BIGGEST FEAR at that age was someone Actually hitting on us, our panicked terror making us Shut Down, and Julie being triggered out to "fight fire with fire." (That feels weirdly tied to our family teachings? Think on this.) So she'd play along, lasciviously flirting right back, and then when they inevitably ended up in bed, she'd Destroy them. Instead of them using us, she'd use Them, and then some. Our brain Never wanted to, or could, imagine what would happen To that victim afterwards. That, too, speaks volumes as to Julie's mindset-- AND OURS-- back then: there Was no after. If We had just experienced that, we'd be dead. So we/Julie both, for different reasons, failed to comprehend the very idea of After. But she took it in that there were no lasting consequences to what she did... because of dissociation. That's how WE worked. So we projected. But even then, we Knew that it was wrong, and it WOULD continue in the physical, albeit almost incredulously. (We struggled to imagine Time after rape.) And the thought of that made us avoid any and all sexual threats.

 


(left unfinished. this is too disturbing to talk about anymore)


prismaticbleed: (angel)


Draw near. Nearer still, my child. Do not dare not to dare.❞

- Aslan | C.S. Lewis


#THIS #THIS IS THE QUOTE #god we adore this #system spirituality #there is a certain feeling we always get around divinity #it is utter ardent joyous bliss mixed with terrified fearful trembling #both those emotions indistinguishable from each other #that is our faith in a nutshell #god wants to be touched #do not dare not to dare

 


It is not so much what you accomplish as what you learn by the work. If it teaches you humility, patience, and steadfastness, your life is well spent, no matter what productions you may have to show for it.❞

-Fidelia Bridges


#realize how significant this is #to learn from something you have to be open TO learning from it #and to be open you have to care #it is proof that your heart is in a good place #so even if your best efforts don't reach the end result you hoped for #if you gain some sort of virtue from those efforts #then you have not failed #you have succeeded even if it is in a way you never expected #the heart cannot be hindered by circumstance #remember this and always strive to learn #do not be afraid #system healing

 

----------------------------------------------

 

this is the new spirituality blog for the lotus cathedral system.

 

our personal faith is rooted in roman catholic mysticism and eclectic paganism, but it contains elements of many other belief systems. we see the spark of truth in every one, and we are always learning, always open.

we have a deep heartfelt reverence and love for all paths, as we have an aching heartfelt love for divinity itself, for that which is called God, and it cannot help but express itself in everything we do.

this blog is dedicated to our collective celebration and adoration of That, however it may express itself.

love and light to all of you.

 

 


122817

Dec. 28th, 2017 07:58 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)

"nsfw" warning for open discussion of intimacy.

 




1228. thursday.



We woke up around 8:30, and spent approximately 20 minutes in the frigid beautiful dawn, deciding whether or not we should go for a run.
...Actually, that's the problem. We didn't decide. Our poor sleepy social frontrunner(s) was/were trying to decide on his/her/their own, worried about whether or not it was "bad" to leave the Arrows alone and asleep, to get food for later in the day, to have any sort of opinion or preference or decisive thought. They were asking for "signs from God" to "tell them what to do," something Tilly and Iscah used to do constantly-- looking for "yes" or "no," "stay" or "go" in the words they saw on printed packages all around them, not trusting a single one because "what if it's my brain wanting to see a certain result?" Those poor frightened good-hearted souls. They are so afraid, so afraid to do the "wrong thing" that the simple reality of an undefined reality terrifies them. They want morality laid out in front of them clear-cut and unquestionable, undoubtable... but they look for righteousness with their mind, not their hearts. Their poor hearts are so full of love but it's getting choked under the whirling moral fear of their thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with buying food. There is nothing wrong with going for a run. There is nothing wrong with liking the cold air against your face, and there is nothing wrong with being too tired and chilled to want to throw yourself back into it after 5 hours of sleep. There is nothing wrong with waking, or resting, or sitting, or exercising, or eating, or fasting, or anything. Life is life is life-- it's all the purest white, a blank canvas, a blank musical score, an empty plate, all of it waiting with utmost divine affection for us to decide. 
That's the beautiful terrible beloved reality of life, of free will, of human consciousness, of the infinite possibility of the world, of the unfathomable palette of existence. It's all a work of art waiting to happen. It needs an artist, and That Which Is-- God, or Goddess, or Source, or Light, or whatever you may wish to call that primordial spark of the cosmos, that original Artist, that first Musician-- couldn't help but create a universe full of artists to join in the joyous act. 
We adore that. Creation creating itself, ad infinitum, through us. An endless dance. 
So it's inherently blank. Not white, not black. It's clear, like a prism, and we're all lights passing through it, splitting our lives into swathes of color. Everything and anything we do contributes to it, and none of it is judged, none of it is labeled as "good" or "bad"... none of it, that is, save for what our own mind labels it as.
We have a lot of thoughts on this, from years upon years of feeling and thinking both, and there's no time or space to expand on it here furthermore... but for now, suffice to say that those frontrunners of ours this morning were unable to trust their own hearts, were unable to see themselves as capable of doing anything But the "wrong thing." They were labeling all their paints as "bad" before they even opened them. Poor beloved fellow souls of ours. We adore them. We know their hearts. We feel their aching desire to be harmless and helpful, to be kind and true and good and pure, but they have let fear in, and fear only knows itself. Therefore, whatever decision they made, they would second-guess it. They would be too scared to surrender to the quiet warmth of their hearts, to listen to That echoed within them, to realize that whatever they ultimately chose, the canvas had opened its own heart to them and sang, paint. Create. Choose a color, any color, and continue me
God doesn't mind if you run or walk or rest or sleep or eat or not. God just wants you to act according to your heart, to your dearly beloved heart, for it can do no wrong. We firmly believe that. It is the core of our faith.
If God is Love, and our hearts are built for Love, then if we act upon that Love, everything and anything we do is sacred. Every choice we make is holy. 

To wake up with that lesson... we had no idea how relevant it would remain for the rest of the morning.

We went for the run. Someone wanted to get bacon and ginger and cinnamon and lettuce, and so we wrapped ourselves up in Kyo's scarf and Jewel's red boots and we jogged down to the local grocery store to do so.

We don't remember the run up, save for passing a fellow jogger by the bus stop, and we don't remember much of being in the store itself. Our brain was tired and confused and still scared, tangled up in "do I buy for the family or for myself," scared of making a foolish decision, scared of acting on impulse, scared of being spontaneous, scared of being neglectful. Memory recalls them buying two Christmas candles that were on sale, left over from that one day two weeks ago or so when we planned on buying them but had no money for luxuries. So basketed them both (one red spice, one vanilla cookie) and then memory cuts out again.
We don't remember coming home and going to bed or waking up. What few things we do recall are so soaked in guilt that we're being begged not to write them down, but we have to be honest, we can't hide anymore. They bought bananas and a tiny tin of oats with the intention of making banana bread, and one ripe orange to see if they still liked the taste (Iscah did; she likes everything, and the other socials still haven't differentiated between her preferences and their own), as well as a package of oregano for the same purpose, and four mini-pizzas for the family. They did get the bacon, and the candles, and the ginger & cinnamon, and that's all we can remember. It's not shameful, loves, I promise. They're just so guilty about buying oats; they knew they'd get in huge trouble if Oliver found out, so they hid them in the closet. They're crying upstairs, loves it's okay. You just wanted to try once more, remembering that one time Someone liked them, but someone else got horribly sick from them, but you don't want to hate anything, you want to know the truth, you wanted to check now that our brain is in a better place. But loves, oh loves, you bought it with fear, with guilt, with shame. You'll never know if it's healed, or if anyone likes it, if that's the mindset you go into it with. And you don't trust our intuition either, which is wincing at the thought of eating them again, remembering past contexts of pain and fear and compulsion. But, again, Iscah liked it, she treasured it, and you just want to learn to do the same. Not now, loves. Now's not the proper time, not if you're still terrified. Once your heart can release that shameful panic, you can learn properly, that door will be open. But it's okay. We forgive you. You're safe and loved and you did nothing wrong. We promise. Everything you did was done out of love, too, even if it didn't know how to safely apply itself. We love you, and we know you love us and the Arrows and everyone too. It's okay. You're good. We love you.  

So we don't remember going to bed, or waking up later. All we remember is sudden groggy kisses and someone, some poor social, wanting to cry from it because they were wracked with guilt and shame and couldn't feel that pure affection in return although they were begging God to, and then suddenly our beloved System anthem of Familiarity was playing in their head and Lotusheart was called out to that confetti chorus, that soaring heart-wrenching prayer, and it broke our heart wide open and suddenly he could return the love pressing softly against our lips and chest and self, God knows I mean it, God help me feel it, and our memory is just as soft with golden light in response, tearful and joyful and desperate to hold this forever, forever.

And then Infinitii showed up, soft and black and just as sleepy in the body, but with a mouth full of grinning loving teeth and the next thing we knew, Omen was there and she pulled Infi onto their chest and suddenly we woke up, aware and in love, and fangs met skin and we were alive again. Thank God for daemons. Thank God.
They just adore each other. There's always fangs tearing at flesh with the ardent desire to get beneath that, to blood and pulse points, but there's no malice, no harm-- just love, always love. The two of them, all kisses and claws, smoky shadowy laughter and snowy frigid gasps and humming and growling and I love you, where are your wings, why can't you be closer, this isn't fair, I love you--

Then suddenly we're hearing them saying that it isn't just Omen, that it's Kris and Oliver and Hiccup and who is around for us, where are We? 
Immediately Chaos Zero shows up, feeling like the ocean in our chest, saying that there's more of us around than you think," and then Genesis is on his heels, smirking golden bright and biting their cheek in a kiss, and then Laurie was there for a moment, and I was there, and Celebi was there, and then suddenly EVERYONE was there, wanting to feel this love, to give our love, to be part of this, to make this everyone's.
Everyone in Central moved through. Lynne, Spine, Javier, Josephina, Celebi, Nathaniel, Leon, Waldorf, Julie, Sherlock, Wattson, Eros, Kyaneos, Algorith, Jude... Knife, Razor, Mulberry, Jeremiah, Wreckage, Leanne... even the kids, David and Marigold and Simeon & Sylvain and Toby and Ashen, all of them shyly moved through too in the quieter moments, happy and hugging our partner System, deeply simply joyfully happy that they were safe, they were loved, and they could feel it.
Lynne pointedly kissing Omen with this secret sneaky joy at kissing a 'girl' in another System, Nathaniel learning to live openly, not as quiet and docile as he usually stays, hidden in green... Waldorf finally feeling herself, eyes red as rubies and smiling with her own teeth as she returned kisses without hesitation. Julie purposefully anchoring her lipstick and earrings into her overlay, refusing to reject her complete self anymore, tearfully treasuring the fact that even looking like this, a color scheme switch away from looking like she did as the ultimate nightmare of our nascent System, she was truly and completely loved, and she felt the same in return. Sherlock taking off his glasses and trying as hard as he could to truly feel this love too, to saturate his Gray with hidden color and light... Wattson there alongside him, smiling warmly at his friend's quiet scholarly courage, himself unafraid to show affection colored the same sunlit-page glow as he. Eros fronting for the first time in ages, still unsure on his name but being fiercely anchored into his true color, richly Cerise and feeling it in every atom as he channeled it through his every action... Jude fronting for the first time ever since his birth, not knowing himself yet but knowing he had been called here, knowing this was love and that was what he was born from and into, and he let it happen and let himself reciprocate simply but truly. Kyaneos wobbly in fronting as well, only there for a moment but feeling like a breath full of sky...Algorith smirking in amusement as she felt her goggles brushing against their face as they kissed her, felt how strange but lovely it was against her own robotic mouth. 
Josephina ended up being spoken to at some point, and I can feel his nervous surprised happy laughter as he returned a love bite in spite of his hesitance, in spite of feeling he "didn't deserve to be in such a position," realizing that he was in fact included in this global love and he had every right to embrace that. Leon, too, suddenly being wrapped in an embrace, breathing deep to still his shaking nerves, bravely relaxing into that closeness that was still so alien to him, learning. Spine curiously feeling hands on skin that she personally did not own, amazed at it. Javier feeling kisses on our collarbones and momentarily being surprised that their teeth didn't catch on his dermal studs, feeling his own snakebites and tongue stud and bridge piercings every time he ardently kissed them back, or when they peppered his/our own face with tiny kisses of their own. Altairre was hovering behind him, then in place of him, learning how to be in a body, learning about his own body, his huge broad red shoulders the only things clearly anchoring in, the suggestion of massive armor-like hands over our body's own. everything else about him still a mystery.
And I swear Scalpel was there, too. He's been in Javier's peripheral vision lately, seen only by him, his Red prince, this leader of the Darkspacers. We have no clear memory of him fronting, but there's the smallest bit of data that he did, just for a moment, a fiercely glad kiss, defying everything lurking in the depths he ruled over, a simple profound testament to what we were and would forever be in glorious spite of any and all terrors we did and will survive.
Knife was only there for a moment (and later, kissing the knuckles of their soft white hands), but he was entirely his color, claret pink, dark and soft and sweet. Razor followed him, also only there for a moment, letting herself curl up like a purring cat in the latter half of a kiss that felt just as warm as their hands soft in her blood-red shock of childlike-messy hair. Mulberry's twirling hair and facial scruff locking in immediately as she fronted, herself content to be there albeit surprised, wondering why she had been isolating herself from this. Jeremiah suddenly fearlessly soft in his own Cerise tone, kissing and being kissed, knowing there was no danger here. David knowing he wasn't comfortable with kisses on the mouth but still wanting to feel this love, and Joshua moved in affectionately to share that with him while returning that gesture in his stead. Marigold hugging the Arrows and smiling with her face in their shoulder, and Toby quietly moving in with her, suddenly alive and not knowing this but knowing he needed this, to be loved, to be safe and warm. 
Simeon & Sylvain showed up sometime elsewhen, with Infinitii, as they had spoken about this previously. Infi affectionately embraced them with one arm and let them share in hir deep black love, safely for them, but just as deep and pure as they needed to know. Both of them feeling it entirely, like anise gumdrops on their tongue, sweet and spiced and light and heavy all at once. They held each other inside and smiled, knowing four years ago they had been torn in two, separated by sudden death and despair, and now they were together, and alive, and loved and safe and free. Both of them such a soft light creamy yellow tint against that velvet black, both of them like french vanilla and banana cream pie, little sweet fluffy things held in the arms of something fathomlessly rich and dark, perfectly happy.


Rio and Markus were there, both of them feeling more joy than they even expected of themselves, finally feeling that they belonged, not just with us but here, with them, exactly as they were, as whoever they'd grow into being as we all continued in this loving growing process. Markus's back tattoos and chest scars and warm dark skin tone searing into our collective memory, Rio's lovely shaggy smoke-blue hair and paler delicate but craft-calloused fingers doing the same. Both of them so belovedly real, our collective heart treasuring this, missing them.
Their Daemons, too, were so clear and real, relishing their time with Omen, learning how to Be more strongly than ever. Lethe moving like dark blue poured out, all spindly legs but heavy and darkly elegant as water. Medallion fronted more than she Ever has before, shockingly lithe and graceful, all points and edges but still as poised as a dancer. She holds the body's hands so uniquely, almost cradling our beloveds with the sides of our hands, the flats of her blades. And yes, she too has learned how to facemouth, but I can still feel her actual main stomachmouth dormant and unusable when she fronts. Lethe, too, as well as the rest of his long insectoid body that does't translate.
On that note, both Rupture and Cake tried to front, but were too strange in form to come through so easily and suddenly, especially since neither of them have experience in a human form before. Rupture's overlay was a terrific burst of nonsense below our plexus, totally nonhuman, a crablike clatter of legs-- and if that wasn't bad enough, she cannot get a facemouth to work at all, and kept trying to talk out of her throat like she normally would. But she was aware that this wasn't the shape she was currently borrowing, even though the huge dissonance made her consciousness terribly hazy, and she was both surprised and intrigued by this. In memory, I can feel her filing this away in her mind, thinking upon it, what it means to Be, now, tangibly and real even away from her nebulous heart-host. And Cake, too, body too lithe and long to understand legs or  bipedal arm structure, let alone such a small face, still trying to figure herself out in the first place... but trying nevertheless, called in by the other Daemons' existences, herself also now feeling glimmers of wanting to Be, briefly wondering Who she was, who she was bound to, what it meant for her to exist at all now... wondering at her own shape, her own color, how many eyes she would have on her face should she choose to open some. Both of those monstrous girls only there for a few seconds, if that, but both of them remembered dearly, both of them real.
Nexus was there too, and Axis and Chocoloco and Iolite and Jess, every Daemon losing themselves in the ardor of things, all of them always madly in love with each other, and every nousfoni flooding with grateful relief at this love that they too were now a part of, seen and treasured for exactly who they were, unafraid.
Nexus didn't front long, unusually, choosing to let his fellows have the spotlight, choosing to stay within with Laurie, who was also mostly missing from this whole affair, hesitantly learning what she could and couldn't do, learning the difference between fear and simple preference and function clashes. But Jess and Iolite were there, not for long but long enough, both of them temporarily but truly releasing their frustration and sorrow to feel a new but complete love and acceptance that they'd previously only felt from their Daemons, both of them tearful with happiness, arms flung around the shoulders that embraced them in turn, their colors clear and healthy and good.
Axis and his skeletal fingers, huge and weirdly fused at the metacarpals, looking like bleached bone or plaster or old ruins, covered in tiny plants and fungi and moss and fluttering insects, his eyes deep spruce-green and surprisingly soft with compassion. Chocoloco, too, feeling more love than anyone previously expected of him, all coffee-harsh anger and fierce red-slash eyes, but here he was melted chocolate and cherry jelly and there was a depth to the kisses he delivered like his throat opened up into an endless warmth, deep down. A totally different vastness than Infinitii, a striking contrast to Axis's flung-open birdcage ribs, to Nexus's galaxian entrails studded with gold-hot lanterns. All of them so strange, so clear, so real. God bless Daemons, I'll say it forever. There's something about them, even just touching this form so temporarily with their lives, that makes us, too, feel like we're more real than ever, like we're something etched into the very essence of things, lead-lined stained glass figures in the church of existence. Indelible and true. It's a blessed wonder.

The Archivist trio showed up at one point, too-- Garrison first, almost as hesitant as Leon but driven by the love and pursuit of understanding, of System knowledge, and ended up getting his lip bitten, aha. He took it like a champ, learning that this was something others in both our Systems did in love, and I can feel his mind and heart opening a bit more in that memory, becoming less tense, less paranoid. Bless our Archivists, they all have Protector hearts in their own way.
Isadora and Kalisha were there too, of course, but they ended up in embraces, and Isadora had a split second of actual disappointment at not being kissed before smiling and laughing genuinely and just melting into that hug. Love is love and she was glad to have it, to be there. She actually drew Kalisha in with her, the two fronting side by side, and then unexpectedly, Kalisha in turn reached out to find Karissa! She hasn't been around in many many months, but those name sisters have forged a sort of passive fondness, and so even if our Chartreuse Protector wasn't all there, this experience still touched her heart too, and if anything can wake up a dormant nousfoni to themselves and the world, it's being loved On the outside. So we'll see how this affects her in the future.

One after another, flowing like blood and water and sunlight, a quiet multitude moved through this newly-beloved body to experience that same affection and compassion and devotion anew, whether or not we'd ever touched it before. Every time is the first time. That's the miraculous thing about it. It never gets old, never ceases to amaze us, never ceases to hit us as clear and true as an arrow to the heart.

And then Infinitii was back and someone was asking us, had been meaning to ask us for a long time now, can we do something, do you trust us, and the quiet careful deliberate emotion in their voice was like a singing glass in our heart and we said yes, Infi said yes, (please, whatever you want, I want), I trust you, we trust you, we love you too.

 

...I cannot even put into words how suddenly, starkly alive and adored we felt.

 



So many of us were there. So many of us. It was a total shock, but thank God it happened. 
Infinitii was there at the start, but suddenly and totally, Julie was there. Thinking about it, I'm not surprised. This is the sort of thing that her original days as a Tar-corrupted hacker were inundated with. In the past, the very thought of this would have had us kicking and screaming and looking for knives or pills or worse. We had suffered this enough, never again.
...Except that's not what this is. It's NEVER what this is. What we were experiencing now was love, total and pure, and Julie knew it, and if anyone in the System was going to make damn sure that was crystal clear, it was her.

But... Lord. So many of us were there. Lynne and Spine, Waldorf and Josephina, Eros, Markus... and then when the Arrows moved to kiss us, suddenly Celebi was there, her heart strangely aching and determined, and she said no, don't stop. Go back. I need to know what this is like. I need to know.
And it hit me, that even if she didn't live through the beginning of 2012, her heart did. Her bloodline did, inevitably. Tar-mangled or not, her soul was affected by both the love and pain of that time, and she had just as much a right and reason and responsibility as Julie to be there right now. 


...There's so little literal memory, at least, nothing that translates into structured language. Everything is color, light, emotion. 



----------------------------------------------------------

(rough notes, from the Arrow's writing on this, as their memory is inevitably different than ours)

(currently unfinished; it's 6am so we will refine this later.)


(eucharist feelings again, on both sides apparently. "being/essence/spirit." SEAWATER.)


omen, oliver, kristanova, hiccup, kyo. the fact that all of them were there... what that does to our heart is inexpressible, but we have to try. 
just... all of them. they love us that much. ALL of them. and god we adore them all too, we hope they know, we need to make sure they know, they deserve that so dearly.



javier after, embracing them like his heart would break, "thank you so much for this being the next morning." choked with tears.
swearing we'd never leave them, ever. "you have all of our heartbeats" and "we just want ours to beat next to yours."
"four years ago there wasn't much left behind that." his FEELING that time, that emptiness, barely 10 left.


(feeling their heartbeat, after, pounding and sincere. genuinely shocked that THEY were feeling for US in this. that hadn't even crossed our mind. that's sadly telling as to our past, to expect that this sort of thing was devoid of emotion from the other, but what bliss in that assumption being proven false.)

infi laughing like every easter carillon in the universe. the joy endless, all love and light like stars brilliant against the limitless cosmos. ze could not keep it in, could not help it, could not stop. it was beautiful.
"good things come in threes"
hir eyes were open. just like at the eclipse. feeling so completely, totally hirself, that hir overlay was flat-out eyes and teeth both and ze couldn't be otherwise. couldn't be half, as ze was feeling too whole.

oliver asking if "this was one of the things ze hoped for" 
later when he told me this, i immediately remembered this, the first time that was openly referenced in any form. lord we were terrified even that recently.



"this is like the first time i was with jay" 
"this is what i am-- pure transmutation"
the FEELING in those statements. god.


JULIE'S DAEMON. 
I FELT HER TEETH.
we were worried about her; since her "birth" last week or so she's been almost impossible to see. but now, good lord, today she came through clear as anything, hard as infi almost. she's still half (hot pink) viperfish and that mouth is Unmistakable in her overlay. all those huge needle teeth. and her other half appearance-wise is a feathered serpent, and that too is obvious-- she feels so sinuous when fronting, so elegant but lethal, so much bigger than the body.
the arrows say her voice is similar: hissing, seductive, beautiful. i don't doubt it. i have no idea what she said, or how it felt, but i can feel the echo of it, tinged with the lipstick terror of the old julie days, that sort of warzone femininity, and i wouldn't expect anything less of her. 
julie and her daemon were cofronting so hard, so totally. practically sharing the same breaths. their very beings meshing perfectly together, blurring into one, without losing any of their individuality.


DENDRITE!!!!
came out when the arrows were asking who was there? julie and her daemon responded first i think, then suddenly,
"and me, me, me, me"
FRONTING more solidly than ever, her spindly arms and claws and tentacles and feelers SO clear in her overlay, her color clearer than even that, a beautiful rich pastel red, glossy like flowers and candy apples and heart lockets
she was struggling to talk, couldn't get her voice to translate on such short sudden notice
"i don't have a voice of my own yet but i found her, i found her, i found her!!" "i found mine, she's mine!" not ownership, but recognition of the most blissfully aching sort. pure joy, overwhelming joy, weeping from it.
and THAT JEWEL. the pinkish one, different hair-- no klonoa ears!-- from 2004 or so. heartspace anchor. the one who was in love. i can feel her exact vibe now, in music. i know her soundtrack. but she resonated EXACTLY with dendrite's own heart, embracing her as her own, both of them so happy, so in love with each other's souls, like every daemon and their host should be, and ultimately always always are.


eros, "how could anyone call this selfish," feeling that so powerfully and unquestionably, that needs to be global.
that sad old religious-mangled teaching that to want to be loved was wrong. that to receive love was manipulative or demanding or otherwise sinful. that's a lie. this proved it.
remembering what chaos zero said on the porch. "there's nothing wrong with wanting love returned for love," effectively. it being a divinely mutual force. love naturally reciprocates itself, it aches for it, and that's pure as anything. 
us lying there, holding them, and eros recognizing immediately that we were feeling such deep love towards them, for them, about them, it wasn't selfish at all, but it ironically wasn't self"less" either. it recognized our selves and their selves, and it adored them both/all, and it wanted to share in that forever, and that is love.


one of their tears falling directly into our right eye. the exact sting of seawater. it was utterly transcendent, holy.


me, touching their chest, dying from love and holy fear, "who am i to dare"
then realizing we, too, have a heart just like that




------------------------------------------------------------------

we didn't get out of bed until like... 4:30. no regrets, ever. no better use of a day than this sincerity, this total living.

kristanova made the dearly-loved after-breakfast tradition of grits, eggs, & bacon (lord who would have expected This future for it that first morning he cooked for us, months ago). it was amazing.

we watched an episode of sense8, "i have no room in my heart for hate," as we haven't watched that show in months either, and we were feeling it so hard this morning, with how headspacey it is, with how much more clearly we are living as systems now and how much more clearly we can understand both the people and the topics of the show as well.

...

(we typed ALL NIGHT)

 

 

 

122717

Dec. 27th, 2017 09:48 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

1227. Wednesday.

Four years ago today.

 


...We posted this entry the minute we noticed it was 21:48, the exact minute when this was posted, back in 2013.

None of us thought we'd survive that night. We all thought we were done for.
But, love can't be killed. We were proof of that then, and we are even stronger proof of it now.

Four years later, we are more alive than we've ever been.
Four years later, we are alive, and we are in love.

Here's to another year of us.


(and thank you, Javier. If it weren't for you, we'd all be lost. Remember that. You are a blessing.)

 


-----------------

later=
headspace stuff with Javier and altairre
Why so guilty/ scared/ aching abt today?
"They all died and I lived" SURVIVOR GUILT
hacks, etc.?
But brought back, saved who he could, WILLPOWER
he WANTED to save them and DID. vital.
This should be a day to defiantly celebrate LIFE somehow escaping jaws of death.


122617

Dec. 26th, 2017 08:12 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)


1226. Tuesday.


Chaos fronting. Kyo and Hiccup talks
Markus out briefly

Total love, NOT in spite, REAL
Infi sneak bite


Bathroom talk.
Wild life ideal. Hunting, fishing
FORAGING projection with food!!!

Killing to eat, holy. Need to think upon.
RAZOR. cutting things, not killing?
Comparing to hatchet, cleaver, scalpel
Scalpel does GUTTING?

Jabberwock talking to cleaver. GAVE HANDS.
Leanne there too.
Confusion, default to bodyfronter for recovery?
But now they KNOW theyre not alone even then.
BAD PHRASE: "they're multiple." Suggesting they're the original. FALSE

talking about last night with oliver.
Someone out Sobbing but NO SELF HATRED
Contrition and love
Shock, NO COMPREHENSION of other mindsets? Humbling.

Shopping.
Reading glitter book

Omelettes!
Tumblr bugs
Mason talking to us too. No anger or pressure. So happy and grateful

Telltale heart, trc


------------------
Phone notes:

SELFLUMINOUS RED EYES!!!!! (YES, IT VIBES)
CORES, ORIGINAL JAY SUBETA

Also ISNT THAT RELEVANT, GOOD LORD

-----------------------

Gold, Brown
Silver, white.?
COPPER, RED?

ALL OF us living TOGETHER literally.
IN THE BODY

Born again. Learning life like a beloved baby.
Happy birthday, I suppose? ❤❤❤

 



prismaticbleed: (shatter)

[uncensored for brutal honesty]


proverbs 9:16-18


eating disorder hell.


Allergy panic girl
Blue obligation girl
Enjoying eater girl = tied to CAKE???????
Bingeing girl (once we hit "that point") = tied to RUPTURE.
rupture's "second name" keeps feeling lke GORGE but thats sounding like a SURNAME, NOT A SECOND NAME. why is this? is that name tied to her girl instead???
cannot even theorize rupture's second name because we do't know enough about her function and/or heart host TO guess.

tobiko hasn't been out in a while?
someone ELSE keeps purging, "we're going to die why cant we stop" mindset
tobiko would panic "get the poison out" then became dpressed and QUIT??? IS HER ANCHOR CHANGING LIKE RAZORS???
but this current purge person basically BLACKS OUT in the process. existing before nd after, not during.
too much fear and trauma to have tobiko front for that anymore???

WHERE IS SPICE WHEN THIS ALL HAPPENS?????


WHO IS TIED TO THAT BIG TAURUS DAEMON???
someone definitely is. but i think that soeone is still vague. i KNOW they were out but we can't even get thier fronting data (this is simeon, hi!)

Chocoloco still tied to angry "jess" BUT he was yelling at the latter nousfoni? the one eating the chocolate candy.
did they even like it????

THERE'S A BROWN MANIC WHO ONLY FRONTS TO LOOK FOR UPPERS????
"we need to stay awake, we need to have coffee and/or chocolate!!!!" 
BUT CHOCOLOCO ISN'T FROM HER. THAT'S SURPRISING.
WHY IS THIS?
(her heart can't hold a daemon??? choco tied to the global concept??? feel this out)

IS THIS THE SAME NOUSFONI WHO KEEPS DRINKING ALCOHOL OR ARE THERE TWO OF THEM???

there's someone ANGRY who comes out when we try to read corrective or self-knowledge stuff???
girl. close to angry jess root but not her. muddy brown, feels washed out. angry at me/us fr typing this but wont stop us? just a low flat disdainful anger.
the boy from yesterday (zodiac rage) has an edge to his anger. he'll yell about it. this girl wont. like a heavy dead weight anger, no action. just shutdown.
why? what are her roots?
her response think "don't think about that" nose wrinkle and try to BLACK IT OUT. like covering eyes. total shut off! scary.
why does she do that? doesn't she want to learn
she cannot front if someone else is strongly fronting? only if in vague pseudosocial mode? like readig.
need a name for THAT state of mind. different from upstairs AND downstairs. sort of an inbetween.
headspace level parallel???
anyway we have to find someone who LIKES reading that stuff so they can OVERPOWER that, for lack of a better term. (who am i, they're thinking i'm the "bleaching optimistic" one, that stings but i think its true.)
also, whoever this good-reading person might be, they CANNOT be hyperreligious, that only compounds the problem. religious voices need to be dealt with very carefully as they bring an entire other level of tangled motives into the picture and we cannot untangle both at once with this, not safely.



Juniper = job is to SAY NO. NO MATTER WHAT.
CHAOS out helping Juniper. Lots of love there actually. they remember the last time.
someone called her out!!!! who?

Mirror realization, called JESSICA out??? LEGIT DEADNAME CORE. A GOOD PERSON!!!!!!!!!
Someone else before her, recognizing the heart of all this is THE DESTROYER

ALL MIRROR PEOPLE ARE STRONGLY AWARE OF THE SYSTEM AND HAVE TOTAL POWERFUL INTEGRITY. "TAKE NO SHIT" BUT DEEPLY COMPASSIONATE. (reminds us of triple a little???)
jamie is pure motivation, but real about it
this girl is "tell it like it is" and determined to spread awareness so things change. not violent.
triple is NOT a mirror person, 
her vibe is blurring hard even pinging her writing this??? with two other people? FEEL THIS OUT
TRIPLE DOESN'T THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE AS DIRECTLY AS MIRROR VOICES DO.
triple "says what no one else will admit" and she's ANGRY about it. but only comes out actuvely, in response TO a hiding of something that HURTS.
(^THAT NAME ISN'T FITTING HER WELL??)

- much later, mirror girl taking us to bathroom to get dressed and SPICE came up alongside her; they are SUPER SIMILAR almost like sisters??? but unmistakably different even so.
someone else fronting with them too? talking TO mirror, worried. NOT "THROUGH" it like an actual mirror nousfoni would!!


Jessica called LAURIE while drying dishes. Told her EVERYTHING.
laurie sobbing in rage about this. then SHOUTING for tiger lily. looking for a "social protector"
GOT HER OUT BRIEFLY but she couldnt stay???
where is the cerise protector??
(she says "i'm here" but she's still mostly faceless and totally nameless. says she's figuring out what her new role is, now that we're not in a trauma environment)
Laurie took the garbage bags out
SOMEONE HYPERRELIGIOUS came out by the tree briefly, condemning? i think a jay stepped in briefly to tell them not to be so caustic before laurie came back.
laurie asking who even wanted the food? like the ham, and the pie, who liked it? got NO RESPONSE. Actual disgust, cringing at thought of food. the response was DISLIKE!!
Realizing the people responsible for the actual eating have SMOTHERED CONSCIENCES. the idea of someone else "owning" a food item causes a "blind response" in them. they CANT fathom it for their function. the thought when eating the trail mix, "this belongs to mason, this isn't yours," caused them to mentally BLACK OUT because they cant comprehend/tolerate the guilt response? or CANT STOP? like if they admitted that theyd have to stop eating, and they cant for some reason????? their function is TO eat so it'd be denying Why they're out???? FIGURE THIS OUT. i dont even think they Want the food, it feels like a total compulsion. programming. they're vaguely Aware of guilt and shame but don't quite Feel it. everything distant, conceptualized. even while they eat. sort of "clear muffle" over everything, like two feet of gel or plastic. WEIRD AND FOREBODING. 
wreckage coming out on the way back in from outside, hearing people arguing in another apartment. she and laurie briefly cofronting almost, slight level difference. but close, next to each other. rubbing elbows almost. wordless close recognizion of each other. "i'm here for you"
back inside, laurie wanting to tell mason and ollie everything about this problem. fess up, admit helpless angry scared frustration, inability to stop or control ourself. terrified at this, but NEED to admit it to prevent it in the future. considering going to mcdonalds or ihop all night when the arrows work, to flat-out prevent any and all such behavior. wanting this in any case, i think the isolation is Causing a lot of this trouble? messes BAD with our perception of reality. can't fathom anyone or anything BUT the current social person existing. (THIS NEEDS TO BE LOOKED AT AND WRITTEN ABOUT.)
at computer, laurie having unexpected feelings towards kris' picture on the lamp? she's fiercely fond of him. deep camaraderie bond, but also a sort of burning platonic love. like a weapon heated glowing hot. knuckles white clenched holding it to defend someone. very devoted.

WEIRDLY, THE SLIGHTEST VARIATIONS ON THE DEADNAME CALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE OUT.
the full deadname is tied to THIS girl, the good one.
SEEING IT IN TEXT CALLS OUT SOMEONE DIFFERENT????
context appears to be HUGE for this



briar out RIGHT NOW feeling panic at tasting food in our mouth? scared as shit.
good. more of us need to ACTIVELY FUCKING REALIZE what this is doing to our godforsaken body.
- someone ELSE triggered by smell of food on hands. briar ALONGSIDE them. neither aware of each other???? (!!!)

jewel says GO BRUSH OUR TEETH so we can relax!!
jessica agrees, go get it done so we can actually get back to living!
(jess is OLDER than jewel! maybe 15, 16? not 17. DOESN'T KNOW QLOK. might not even BE tied to school?????? possible for nousfoni to be older but NOT HAVE MEMORIES OF LIFE DURING THAT AGE IN THE BODY. e.g. a "16 year old" nousfoni not knowing anything about what happened when we were in high school. or an 18 year old nousfoni not knowing anything about holding a job.)

someone wanting to eat vitamins and melatonin gummies, not out of hunger, but out of panicked compulsion.
THE BLUE GIRL?
laurie yelling at them for this. that person DOESNT QUITE FRONT? just comes in "sideways halfway" and has the body do things, SO THEY DONT FEEL THE EFFECTS OR CONSEQUENCES!!!!
the one who eats is NOT HER.

now, someone JUST came out TO eat the vitamins, scared and nervous but they WANTED THEM. happy to eat them actually. feels brown? long hair. wanting to eat more but not really understanding concept of "food?" 
feelng like THEIR daemon might be that big taurus thing. 
cake's girl is younger, not nervous. not rebellious.
rupture's girl only comes out with the intent to binge and purge.

weirdly, that vitamin-eater person (those two? blue and brown: concept and carry-out) are more concerned with eating MEDICINE than food???? always looking for vitamins, pills, mints, etc. health panic obsessed. subtype of lotophagoi???

(Is Hoban still around? her vibe was always vague, she was kind of defined secondhand. feel her out and see if her anchor is split or wrong or if she's fading or splitting herself.)


Another huge thought:
So many of us are HUGELY CONTEXT-LOCKED.
We noticed this today, wondering why the heck NO ONE gets triggered out in the kitchen anymore? Why it's so hard to find Jason and Juniper and Taureia and anyone? 
It's because the ENVIRONMENT CHANGED.
The fairy lights don't trigger anyone. The stove light DOES. It's a trauma flashbacker. So are those little string lights over the stove, due to past association. And, total darkness triggers out a totally different bunch!
Similarly, sitting at the table to eat triggers out certain people, whereas eating in the kitchen triggers out others, and eating on the floor triggers out still others. The couch is by FAR the safest place, and the kitchen itself is utter terror by default. No eating in there ever, please-- ideally, at least, because we tend to stress-blackout in there and then trauma loops happen. That is the most terrible part of PTSD and we need to plan for it better.
We are SO HYPERSPECIFIC this is not surprising but we still somehow completely missed it.
MAKE A LIST OF THIS STUFF so we can use it to our healing advantage!!!



ORANGE IS CORRUPTED
laurie asking for data on bathroom convo, lynne snidely saying she "should know"; laurie turned and called her out on this, she BLUESCREENED???? froze. everything stuck for a second then laurie got warped to GRAYSPACE???? lynne there, floaty, disoriented? said that wasn't her, she wasn't angry. asked what was going on.
corrupted orange is ANGRY. feeling of jovial dude in a bar who suddenly snaps. fiery, but energetic. NOT the apocalyptic burn of red anger. orange has motion behind it, and voice. red is quiet and violent. orange is angry and pushy? energized? can't find a word. armed? no, that's vermilion. orange isn't a "life threatening fear" response. it's more of a panic scare. the closer you get to yellow, the tighter the nerves get. yellow anger is shrieking screaming wildcat anger. someone "yell"-ing at you, all electric sharp. but no attacking! yellow anger might shove or slap you but that's all. orange anger will push you around, all heavy weight but animated. vermilion anger will throw a punch, a hard blow and colder fire behind it, not much talk. red anger will wordlessly bury a knife in your chest on a dime. WAIT. NO. THAT'S BLOOD. it's darker!! RED anger, javier's color, is INTEGROUS. dude that shows that there are "benevolent and malevolent" sides of color angers! corrupted Red anger is... nothing. there's nothing. if it's pure Red, it's PURE. it;s angry because it SHOULD be. it demands you clean up your act, and tells you how. it feels like a city skyline, like an activist. it knows what it's talking about. active and informed. dark red, blood anger... that ISNT INHERENTLY CORRUPT. that's the sort of anger that will call you out on what you did wrong, but in a pointed way. it stabs right to the heart of the issue. but it won't attack you. no good anger will. gosh this is SO IMPORTANT.
so. corrupted orange is arrogant but not proud? no, not arrogant. corrupted YELLOW is more like that? actually, corrupted AMBER is haughty and proud. like a lion. puffed up, like a prince. amber is a luxurious color so it makes sense. yellow is brighter, the brightest, so corrupted yellow is less warm and more sharp? conceited? but not acrid, that's chartreuse. acid is green hued. yellow is manic almost? condemning? high strung. 
anyhow. orange. corrupted orange is the "i'm being a nice guy!" but he's really being threatening. that's orange. could easily lean vermilion, but orange is less malevolent. not as dark. orange is closer to the self-absorption of amber, but it's still directed outwards. orange is healthily sociable, so corrupted orange takes that and twists it? it's hard to put into words. but yeah. lynne, when damaged by it, gets a very biting sense of bad humor, gets rather "smart"? ALWAYS making jokes at the expense of others. that's the main thing. humor as a mask for straight-up trash talk.


we TRIED to ping Karissa when at the mirror and we got NOTHING. that was scary for a second. HOWEVER! then we realized that we were pinging the WRONG LEVEL???? APPARENTLY THIS IS A THING?
we had to ping her in a VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENT. midspace = dreamspace analogous i think. karissa is NOT PINGABLE UPSTAIRS. but imagine the old pennsylvania bedroom, and she is IMMEDIATELY there and fiercely alive.
karissa is a DOWNSTAIRS PROTECTOR, fighting off the weirdest threat we could have imagined-- ghosters. as in, childhood psychosis attackers. legit seeing demons and devils in the room, "sensing" evil, etc. we still get that when we're really unstable. like when we redid that bedroom to put up that desk, which is what triggered her birth in the first place. so she exists for that. 
and that is a VITALLY IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFO: there are MANY nousfoni in this system with hyperspecific but vital jobs that don't happen often, and so they run a risk of DYING if they don't get to live, so to speak. THEREFORE WE HAVE TO UTILIZE "HOLOSPACE" AND/OR DREAMSPACE TO LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS ON THE INSIDE, if outside instigation of those jobs would be lethal or otherwise majorly harmful. like tonight. however sometimes that's required. we couldn't possibly imagine or emulate this night inside. but it had to happen. it's too organic. life is too organic. but yeah, sometimes we Can do the inside boost and when we can we NEED TO. so keep a note of that.
in any case, this would bolster the inter-level communication we are desperately working towards. socials who have no comprehension of "inside," or even the ability to comprehend it, could LEARN it by being brought into emulated "outside situations" that are really happening inside, and then eased out of it OR letting inside folks enter those spaces to meet them. THAT'S HOW WE USED TO WORK AND I DON'T KNOW WHY WE STOPPED? maybe just daily life terror overload, forcing us to stay in survival/ social mode more often. but hey, that's the stuff we're fixing now that we're safe!
but it has to surface first. only then can you remove it. it's scary, of course, but what's even scarier is letting that shit go unseen and rotting on the inside. it's like cancer. 

...
our body is actually hungry again and we hate this because we have no appetite. the thought of eating makes us nauseous. we have no desire to do so, at all. especially not at this hour.
OH i forgot to mention earlier. with big dinner triggers and the destroyer.
certain foods are SUCH TRAUMA TRIGGERS that the destroyer exists to GET RID OF THEM. it's awful but it is true. we Want to be able to leave them untouched, because they're NOT OURS, but that very concept is still alien to our brain. god knows why. our poor brain sees a trigger food and thinks immediately "i must get rid of it" because it's that shaken up by seeing it. immediate flashbacks, immediate sensory rewind. time lapses, time slides. it's horrible that something as ridiculously simple as a canned item can knock you totally off kilter and into abused-kid mentality. 
there's a lot tangled up in that, especially methods-- some kids destroy food outright, some throw it out, some eat it, some eat and purge, etc. all of them acting those ways based on the situations they had to survive in previously. all of them desperately scared and lost and confused and not know where or when they are, let alone what the hell they're doing. they all dissociate so hard because they're so scared. but they're reachable, now. they're opening up and realizing that, now. they're healing and being brave and trying and feeling even if they're fucking terrified. not so in september, good god now THAT was hell. lord. but that's over, forever. a lapse is just a stumble, due to overwhelm. it happens, mental illness is hellish in and of itself. but we get back up and keep walking. a slip isn't a rewind. we're here now, with our progress and understanding under our belt, and we use that to leap forwards even farther when we're pulled back.
nights like this are slingshots. 
but yeah. we feel awful, AWFUL, because trigger foods are cheap! starving kids eat on pennies and go to food drives and when you're Still grappling with finances that stuff ends up back in the apartment and then you don't know what fucking year it is or what state you're in or what your name is or whether or not you're going to die, metaphorically only i hope! it fucking SUCKS because these beloved kids that we love so damn much it HURTS eat and enjoy these foods no problem, and God we WANT to just let them LIVE, let them be free and untraumatized, but god we're so damned fucking hurt that we struggle. we hate it. we feel like such a burden. we ARE a burden. that's the truth, with this. we're a difficulty, a monkey wrench, an unexpected trial. a frustration. and it's true. and it's unfair to them. and we're sorry. but we can't apologize and keep fucking the hell up. we need to try a hell of a lot fucking harder.
we KNOW that shit makes us sick so WHY do we still et that shit???
because that knowledge doesn't register for them. their minds are so damaged, we still haven't fully felt out Why they can't comprehend that sort of self-care data.
...maybe that's why. maybe self-care is alien to someone who lives in a trauma flashback.
...maybe.

but yeah. i want to list the trigger foods but someone says "no, don't clutter up this entry" and she's brown and angry? not choco's jess, maybe the "don't read" one from before? she's way up, almost floating voice space? but she's all about "social performance" and approval, and "clogging up this entry" is judged by her to be "inappropriate" somehow? like "it's not proper" but THAT pings someone ELSE. someone religious feeling? fears of not being totally nice and proper and a "good girl." maybe tilly. hm!
but no i think we should list them or we will forget to. i know it's scary but we have to! we'll do it together ok

- canned beans. all we had to eat for a while in pa. make our stomach so so sick. also heavy weight food, immediate trauma flashback trigger. yes heavy foods feel like the rape triggers. can i say that? "julie days." but that's unfair she didn't do it. she says she wasn't herself once. oh ok. i'm sorry julie. she says it's ok, it's the truth. so no beans
- canned food in general. again, that's ALL we had at the house most days, in pennsylvania. just shelves full of old expired rusty banged-up cans. the same things over and over and over, day after day, eaten at night under buzzing yellow lights, or hidden in the cellar. every one of those foods is a trigger:
canned corn, canned soup, spaghettios, ravioli, cranberry sauce, canned carrots (taste is a HUGE trigger), etc.
there are also BAD MEMORIES tied to ALL of those which we cannot look at rght now we start shaking. they're triggering young kids like me!! we don't know them though? are they new? are they all new? no they're old. we've just never seen them before. they've been asleep for a long time because no one's woken them up. but we just did! we looke for them and they're awake now. and they're probably really scared and don't know where they are but we'll protect them. we can be their friends. we'll keep them safe now. 
but the immediate fear is exactly what we're typing about. "how can we be safe now if those unsafe things are STILL THERE." no differentiation between thing and associated event. they are one and the same to a trauma survivor. at least, to us. to those hurt nousfoni, scared and shaking, the very sight of a can of soup throws them right back into the situation they wanted to die to get out of. their brain was shaken to the core and it keeps getting yanked back. so we struggle.
it's not fair. we wonder, daily, if we should find somewhere else to go, if we should leave, but we DONT WANT TO. we love it here, we love the people, we want to STAY, we want to heal so we CAN stay. our feelings of "we don't belong" and "maybe we should just go" are NOT OUR REAL MOTIVES. they are the "safe, acceptable" way of saying "i am so fucking sorry we are making your lives difficult; we are drowning in love-rooted guilt and regret and we don't want to hurt you anymore, but we don't know how to stop yet. we're still healing. but we cannot put you through this messy process anymore. THAT is making us feel like we don't belong-- we are disturbing the peace, we aren't fitting in with you both yet, into that harmony. our own actions are alienating us, our own shame and guilt are isolating us. THAT is what doesn't belong but right now we are identifying with it, for better or for worse, from how horribly strong it is. and we don't want to leave, we love you so much, but again we feel so DIRTY and disgusting and (there's axis) foolish and embarrassing, that we feel so unworthy TO stay. we're afraid of hurting you, of you beginning to hate us or be frustrated with our presence, we are so scared of you both expecting the worst of us. so we would rather leave than see these relationships rot by our hand. by our fungal touch.
axis just GLARED at me for that i have never seen him angry i'm sorry.
his reply isn't translating well
effectively: "don't be sorry" in the "you're not being blamed or condemned" sense. the strong powerful insistence of "you will not rot anything by touch. fungus is life out of death" and "rot is decomposition" with a spindly mushroomed finger pointing at this absolute artistically tangled web of data, of feeling, "decomposition is breaking down into simpler things," into essential elements, "if anything rots it is simply beginning again from a simpler state" or something? taphos. taphonomy. "decomposition begins at the moment of death." heart-deep feelings about this topic. if it's not working, why not let it die? if it is a fatal illness, a fatal wound, a mortal injury, why not let it fall embraced (back) into the arms of death? why not let death breathe life into it again? god okay that's what we're doing. chocoloco's girl is responding to this??? not as her heart, no. but as a sister to the other one. where is chocoloco. what do you have to say
"decay is not my topic" he says. "it is his. let him speak"
what is your topic though
sorry 
axis keep talking.
a slight smile, smirk, "what more do you need me to say?"
anything everything anything you want
"i want you to feel what i said and what you know it means" "tell me"
what you meant
"what your heart heard."
well
if we're bungling up this relationship (allegedly) with our mistakes, with-- oh
with our own process of decay
the nigredo
THAT'S infi
that's even more important
what am i doing with the spacebar i'm sorry
hey i don't have a name yet
hey i'm not simeon! i'm a girl, no, i use she pronouns, maybe?
i'm not a boy. leaning the other direction
sorry slipping bye
no not yet he says
finish.
okay.
if we are afraid of rotting this relatioship by touching it we are projecting the wrong sentinemt onto our fear. if it rots it means that it died which means that it had reached a point where it could not continue healthily. so death is merciful and progressive and otivated by hope, by love and hope. now it decays, now it rots back into the world, now it feeds the insects (what about our insects what about them) i'm thinking too much
simple he says, simple. what is the essence of it
if it dies it was unhealthy. if it rots then 
rot it just the process of recycling
a dead body, a dead thing feeds other alive things, feeds new things
a dead thing will seem to stop life around it for a bit but in time it will bloom greater than ever
in short, 
we're not going to kill anything
fungus is good
he smiled at me.
and? 
IS it rotting?
how can i tell.
look, he says. 
but there's more to that "look"
he means,
there's always rot. there's always death. it means things are growing. it means things are changing. it means what doesn't work anymore is passing away and reworking itself into other things that do.
am i thinking too much
you're trying too hard to encapsulate it in language, he says. speak simply, speak from your heart. you will not rot in whole unless it stops beating. and it will not. he says.
tiny deaths happen all the time. fungus grows on your bones. but you are alive, we are alive, i am alive
i am sorry i hurt people
then let it rot, he says. let it rot.


where were we oh my goodness
trigger foods! a list.
NOW the rabbit speaks up
"chocolate" he says, and points ominously, authoritatively. not menacing, just gravity
"write it down."

- chocolate. in all its forms? (look at the data. yes.) oldest trigger food in the book. tied to sexual trauma, femininity fears, bad memories, massive health scares and pain. but touted constantly as a "comfort food," as an aphrodisiac, as something sacred, as a celebratory food, as a staple part of christmas and easter and valentines day. it was something we could not ever avoid, something added to things to make them more palatable, more enjoyable, but we couldn't eat it. it was everywhere, stores dedicated to it, grand gestures surrounded by it, given as gifts, expected to be received. people react with shock when you say you don't like chocolate. alienation, bizarrely. but it happens. it has. it does. we feel guilty, rejected, isolated, unwanted, unloved, all over again. "chocolate brings people together" just like awful family dinners and shit (please don't swear) (sorry i'm just angry too and hurting) but yes chocolate is something we could not have safely. no. we tried so many times. we love it as it is. but our body cannot have it. we love it but we don't like it? is that true or possible?
YOU DON'T LIKE THE TASTE, he says. SOMEONE DOES. 
a pause, a breakdown of coherence upstairs
THIS TOPIC IS TOO TANGLED, he says, looking up. IT WILL HAVE TO BE UNTANGLED BEFORE IT CAN BE DISCUSSED. I AM BEING SILENCED, WHICH MEANS THERE IS GREAT FEAR HERE. GOOD. THAT IS A SIGNPOST FOR GREAT (???) (translating as growth, realization, progress, understanding, etc. good things. all from fear? i guess that's what daemons are/ are for/ are about/ are from)

other trigger foods
- WHITE FLOUR and all that goes with it. cake,
(what about her?????? no one has EVER thought about her i wonder if we can learn more about her now with what happened tonight? i hope so)
NOT NOW. SHE IS TOO IMPORTANT TO TREAT (flippantly/ nonchalantly/ casually/ in passing/ without enough attention/ as a study topic and not a person/ lightly). ALL OF US ARE. ALL OF YOU ARE. FOCUS.
white bread, crackers, cookies, etc. again, a staple food. something we were forced to eat a lot. something given as gifts, again. birthday and wedding cakes. christmas and easter cookies. sandwiches. party foods. god you SEE why this is a struggle for us??? our body CANNOT DO THESE THINGS WITHOUT GETTING SICK
is it because of the trauma or did it result from the trauma?
which came first, the chicken or the egg
god only knows.
don't worry about that right now we're tired. we can't give it enough attention right now. make the list

- dairy products. HUGE femininity fear trigger. sexual. makes us feel super dirty, infantile. infantilization is one of the biggest sexual trauma triggers possible. we've never written about that. add it to the list
also we are lactose intolerant so we absolutely cannot have it anyway our stomach CANNOT digest it that is a PHYSIOLOGICAL FACT.

- canned tuna. WARM especially. very thought makes us shake, want to vomit.
- NOODLES. sexual fear + trauma memories + trypophobia remnants
- HOT DOGS, especially with beans. MASSIVE immediate screaming runaway trauma response
- red sauce. realized at upmc big time. always was tough-- our stomach Hates tomato sauce, it causes SEVERE PAIN but when in treatment we realized it was also a BIG TRAUMA TRIGGER. iscah could do it, she didn't know. didn't experience. but her beloved jessie knew. and those of Us who experienced similar things also knew. and we had that suddenly revealed, something we were hiding from, running from, so now it is a double danger
- lunchmeat. family terror, blackout response, leave it at that
- nut butters
- klondike bars
- energy bars in general, esp. oily ones. AND GRANOLA. BAD BAD BAD and FRIGHTENING. please don't eat it
- grains in general, cooked ones, especially OATS and QUINOA. sad because oats are also ALLEGEDLY a good memory food, but no. only a hoped association. they are primarily tied to VERY VERY TRAUMATIC INCIDENTS and also salt lake city so please pleaseplease do not eat them. someone really really wants them though, but when they try the terror is immediate and choking. not safe yet i'm sorry. maybe get iscah to help, she ate it all the time at upmc. we'll see we'll figure that out later
- CEREAL. the original trigger food. aftertaste is literal hell. flashbacks and panic for as long as it lasts. cereal is 1000% NEVER BUY and we are so so fucking sorry we're scared of having it in the house. 
god we are so goddamned broken
wht do we do?
TELL THEM. WORK WITH THEM. KEEP YOURSELF SAFE. BUT RESPECT THEM TOO.

they're saying it's super late? super early?
6:20 am oh!! the arrows will be home soon!
good i want tomeet them!
i don't know if we know how yet? we only ever type.
but we can figure out how!!
ok! we'll ask infi to show us how.


this is the autopilot. i am smiling. i think i have more of a soul than i ever thought, still.
i feel like the toy soldier, perhaps.
i must thank javier. thank you.

closing this up

all of you are very brave and i am proud of you
i may not feel that but i know it is true.

sleep well today. take care of us. we love you. we love each other


this is proof

(a.p.)

 

 



prismaticbleed: (shatter)



I'm so depressed.

I can't stop thinking about hell and damnation. I can't stop. I'm so afraid. I keep thinking about sin, sin, sin, all day long, and how horrible I am, and how I keep making mistakes and hurting people and hurting myself, and I am acutely aware of every little fatal error I make during the day and I am crushed with shame and guilt and panic and fear, fear, fear,


I'm terrified to do anything but pray.
I don't want to eat anymore. I keep messing up. I try very hard, but then I get these waves of overwhelming shame and I just throw up and throw out everything I bought.
Today I bought those hemp bites that I love, but I felt so guilty about buying "junk food" (they have sugar in them) that I threw out every single one. And now I want to cry, because that cost a LOT of money, and I enjoy them, but no, "enjoying them is a SIN because they are useless, they aren't real nutrition," so therefore God made me waste them to teach me a lesson, that I will NEVER find happiness or comfort or enjoyment in food, so stop trying. STOP TRYING. God will make you lose ALL your money if you keep spending it on shit like this, and he won't show mercy for your stupidity.

God, I'm so afraid. There's sin everywhere, but I'm scared of seeing the world that way?

Like… the whole modesty thing. "Cover yourself lest you cause someone to lust and sin!!" First of all, WHY do people lust in the first place. It's stupid. Nakedness is innocent and frankly it's pretty and lots of people in our System (mostly cores) appreciate the fact that the human body is just as fascinating a thing as ANY other body, and that has NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX.
So it's really annoying and heartbreaking and terrifying when people keep saying, "don't even look at bare legs on a girl, because that’s IMMORAL and you WILL GO TO HELL." But her legs are really pretty and I don’t want to sleep with her because her body's pretty, that's stupid!
Is it a sin just to look at bodies? I heard someone once say, "the body is God's tabernacle, therefore it must be kept hidden and secret, as it is sacred."
Isn't… isn't all of Creation God's dwelling in a sense? Shouldn't we glorify God through it and its visible existence, the glorious paradox of that? God created these things, God's handiwork is something we can touch, we should be motivated by that reverence whether we hide OR show something. Is that… is that blasphemous to say?

...



The biggest vices we are struggling with now are:
1. cheating
2. stealing food from family members
3. wasting food, almost compulsively
4. lying by omission or secrecy
5. apathy

Where did all of that come from???
Avarice, gluttony, those are vices we've never so much as IMAGINED before and yet here they are. Why??
We don't want to go to hell. We're a good person, deep down we ARE and we know it; we are naturally inclined to do good and help people, we don't want to sin at ALL, so why in the world are these sinful compulsions coming from?
Why do so many of them only occur during consciousness blackouts???
Why is our subconscious so ugly?
How do we fix it? It's sabotaging our very soul.



But every time I try to go "without God," I end up utterly miserable and paranoid and anxious and distraught and I feel empty and dirty and wrong and the only thing that can fix it is prayer, and church, and pure undiluted faith. Nothing outsourced, nothing reflected, no middlemen. Just my faith. Just turning to Christ, God become man, the Creator of all coming down into our little world out of love to save us from our corruption. I need God. I will always need God. And I need to be clearly aware of that too. No matter how disturbed or disillusioned or doubtful I my get with my religion, the core of it will never ever disappoint, by virtue of what it is in the first place.

 



prismaticbleed: (held)

content

It’s raining outside. It’s the first week of December, the air is flirting with 50 Fahrenheit, and the pavement is as soaked as summer. Hazy rainbows cloak every streetlight and every car hisses past like an oceanic sigh. Behind us, through cracked-open screens, the rich warm aroma of steak and marinade lazily drifts, in jovial defiance of the encroaching cold. Christmas lights swirl about the porch, entwining with well-worn wood– aged, luminous, mist-touched. Our arms do the same. Content in quiet wintry perfection, life ebbs and flows all around us. It’s raining outside.

----------------------------------------------

welcome

It’s more of a feeling than it is a word, really. Even if you first open your eyes to pitch-thick black, or to screaming fearful yellow, or to hot gurgling red, the feeling remains, echoing, pulsing in multicolored veins. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to the System, to the Spectrum, to your collective heart. Welcome to Us, that deep embrace repeats, speaking of starlit cities and glassy oceans and labyrinthine woods. Caves and towns and clear skies and thunderstorms, volcanoes and stairwells and deserts and snow, all of it inundated with it, with you. Welcome home, it all says, aching and scarred and trembling and dizzy with gilded love. Welcome home.

prismaticbleed: (Default)


DATES THAT PEOPLE FIRST EVIDENCED ON

 

1995-1999

JULIE= unknown date, approximately 1997

JEZEBEL= 1997, unknown date

 

2000

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE= spring 2000

 

2001

CEL= March 2001

 

2003

RYMAN= January 2003? or late 2002

WALDORF= March 3rd 2003

MARKUS= May 2003?

HOSEKI= May 21st 2003?

CHAOS= December 2003?

 

2004

"THIRD JEWEL"= March 2004?

 

2005

GENESIS= July 4th 2005 (Leo)

 

2006

SPINNINGCANNON?

JENNIFER= August 2006?

LAURIE= September 4th 2006

 

2007

NATHANIEL= unknown date 2007

JEMMA= unknown date 2007

 

2008 (first major headspace year)

LYNNE= February 8th 2008?

CANNON= May 15th 2008??

RAZOR= October 19th? 2008

 

2009

SECOND "CEL"

SPINZOR= August 2009?

GLISSANDO= September 2009

 

2010

LEON= April 18th 2010

THE BEAR= June 2nd 2010

SPINE= July 26th 2010

PINSTRIPE= August 5th 2010

JOSEPHINA= August 13th 2010

 

2011

XENOPHON= March 13th 2011

EROS= December 9th 2011

 

2012

AIRPORT= August 15th 2012

EMMETT= October 25th? 2012

 

2013 (the year the Underground opened up)

KYANOS= February 26th 2013

INFINITII= April 3rd 2013

GENT= April 19 2013?

MAVERICK= April 19 2013?

QUEEN=April 19 2013?

DAVID= April 23 2013

MARIGOLD= April 23 2013

MULBERRY= May 1st 2013

MINTY= May 30th 2013

CHRISTINA MARIE= June 2013?

JEREMIAH= June 6th 2013

KNIFE= June 12th 2013

OVERLOAD= June 12th 2013

HYAKINTH= June 14th 2013

JAVIER= July 1st 2013

ZWEI= July 15th 2013?

EINSATZ= July 15th 2013

SUGAR= July 22nd 2013

SERGEI= July 23rd 2013

DREAD= July 25th 2013

ALGORITH= July 31st 2013

SPICE= September 18th 2013

JAY= October 21st 2013?

AIMEE= October 29th 2013

AMARA= October 29th 2013

KALISHA= November 17th 2013

ISADORA= November 17th 2013

GARRISON= November 17th 2013

DREAD= December 10th 2013?

SHERLOCK= found his name in 2013

THE SCIENTIST

SHARONA

ANNA

HATCHET?

 

2014

KARISSA= January 25th 2014

THE DESTROYER= January 25 2014

ASHEN= January 25th 2014

NIENNA= March 2014?

TOBIKO= March 2nd 2014

WRECKAGE= March 4th 2014

JABBERWOCK= May 29th 2014

CHOCOLOCO= September 12th 2014

TIGERLILY= December 27th 2014???

 

2015

so far this year it's just been re-finding older people.

 

"BAT EARS"=

MOXIE=

 

2016

(hard reset)

 

2017

HARMONIA= May??

ISCAH=

SPIKE=

KITTY=

CRIER=

CAKE=

AXIS=




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

AUGUST 2013 WAS THE "DEAD MONTH"

julie/ sergei/ infinitii infant genocide shutdown.

jewel and the ap fronted for almost that entire month; NO MEMORY

 

august 6th, rescue with infi, glasses, chthonic magma zone.

august 28th was ecclesioumon

 

by september 1st, the underground was HUGELY PREVALENT, actually becoming in control of the entire system temporarily.

this was when knife ran the show, started trying to organize everyone in all the other levels.

very very very important for long term growth actually, thank him

 

however the first two weeks of december were fronted by someone who kept actively trying to deny headspace.

"the past isn't relevant" and "I want to abandon all this at once" were the main mindsets.

 

september 11th was the punchcard dream

september 12th, "j" said that headspace was not gone, BUT that "most of us were dead or gone". we also got our diagnosis.

ALSO said "I no longer have a solid identity so it's near impossible for me to enter headspace"

 

SPICE'S AUDIO RECORDINGS WERE ON SEPTEMBER 18TH.

at that time, no one knew who the core was, most of us were still dead.

 

SEPTEMBER 21ST WAS WHEN I SAVED INFI FROM THE TAR SPIDER.

I DO NOT directly remember it though, just very blurry awareness that I was there.

thus started the madeleine l'engle period!

 

sept 23rd was woodsmoke, sept 24th was knife in the mall. that was also the proginoskes time period. NO PERSONAL MEMORY.

sept 25 was a JULIE HACK, retributors smudging the entire room.

sept 28th was INFI AND LAURIE in lou's house.

 

OCTOBER 2ND: "THE CURRENT J DOESN'T KNOW CHAOS. NONE OF US DO"

OCTOBER 4TH: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO JAY; I THINK HE'S LONG GONE"

october 5th was the caliborn baby dream. I remember that?

october 7th was the desk cellar fear?

 

october 8th was mesita's album, AND sergei and hyakin calling me to diamew! FIRST TOTALLY CONCRETE MEMORY DAY!!

also important, I remember the ENDING of "many waters," standing by the stove, BUT NOT THE PREVIOUS TWO BOOKS!!

 

october 21st was the apples AND the yogurt shop.

I WAS DEFINITELY, TOTALLY ALIVE BY THIS POINT.

 

BIRTHDAYS SHOULD BE ON SIGNIFICANT DATES, NOT ARBITRARY ONES. FIND YOURS.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Spine Hypomone= "steadfast endurance"

Javier Anastasi = "resurrection"

Algorith=

Lynne Stabelle= "stability"

Josephina Bellameire= "beautiful/ one who shines"

Cel???

Nathaniel Victoire= "victory, conqueror"

???=

Harmonia=

Chaos Zefirum= "zero"

Waldorf Kalliope= "muse of epic poetry"

Leon Kiasi= "fear of death"

Laurie Uberich= "above self/ ultimate self"

Julie Enantios= "opposite"

Eros=

Jay Iridos= "iridescent/ two"

Infinitii Eternos= "eternity"

Sherlock Episteme= "to know"

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jewel= May 7th 1990 (Taurus)

***2009 WAS NOT ME!!! (as far as Gens go, that was Gamboge)

JAYCE: 02-22-10 WAS WHEN I FIRST STARTED USING MALE PRONOUNS.

April 4th 2010= art of my Gen (ON 08-3-2009, I WAS ALREADY A WHITE GEN???)

STILL NAMED "JEWEL" IN MAY 2010 THOUGH.

July 2nd 2010= "seventy four" // july 10th= razia

BY AUGUST I WAS USING INFLUTUSA (AUG. 5 NAME LOCKED IN)

REDLIGHT: December 9th, 2011 (Sagittarius)

EROS: January 4th 2012 (Capricorn)

 

memory picks up around SEPT-OCT 2013??

RESET ATTEMPT? December 5th 2013 (Sagittarius)

 

Infinitii= April 3rd 2013 (Aries)

DIED/KILLED on following dates:
May 28th (kidnapped, brought underground)

August 1st? ('parasite' threat)

 

Javier= July 1 2013 (still manifesting) (Cancer)

July 28th 2013 (named) (Leo)

December 27th 2013 (resurrected) (Capricorn)

 

Spine= November 26th 2008 (Sagittarius)

FOUND around July 26th 2010 (Leo)

STABILIZED on January 16th, 2011 (Capricorn)

 

Lynne = February 9th 2008? (Aquarius)

First mentioned on February 26th 2008.

THE CONCERT WAS ON APRIL 20TH 2008 (3PM)

"Died" temporarily on April 24th 2008.

RESURRECTED: December 1st 2008?? (Sagittarius)

 

Josephina= July 26th 2010 (Leo)

(met on August 13th, hence his pseudo-birthday)

 

Nathaniel= February 8th 2008 (Aquarius)

December 15th 2008

April 26th, 2009

November 20th, 2009

RESURRECTED: November 18th, 2011

STABILIZED on November 9th 2012 (Scorpio)

 

Waldorf= March 3rd 2003 (there) (Pisces)

December 3rd 2002 (ck)

November 13th 2012

 

Leon= April 18th 2010 (Aries)

RESURRECTED: December 8th, 2010 (Sagittarius)

 

Laurie= September 4th 2006 (Virgo)

 

Julie= August 18th, 2011 (Leo)

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

July 15th 2013= underground handwriting page. Einsatz and Zwei's names found. Einastz also evidenced in the car.

July 25th- mention of dread. may 2 & june 13th first listed. originally said he was a young adult!! fronted with others on dec 10.

 

algorith= November 12th 2013? (Scorpio) OR July 31st 2013 (Leo)

 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

JAVIER= December 27th 2013 (Capricorn)

ZWEI= July 15th 2013? (Cancer)

RAZOR= October 19h? 2008 (Libra)

CANNON= May 15th 2008?? (Taurus)

DREAD= December 10th 2013? (Sagittarius)

 

SPINE= January 16th 2011 (Capricorn)

AIMEE= October 29th 2013 (Scorpio)

JAYCE= October 23rd 2013 (Libra)

SPICE= September 18th 2013 (Virgo)

THE DESTROYER= January 25 2014 (Aquarius)

JESSICA???= May 7th 1990 (Taurus)

THE BEAR= June 2nd 2010 (Gemini)

 

LYNNE= February 9th 2008? (Aquarius)

KALISHA= November 17th 2013 (Scorpio)

AMARA= October 29th 2013 (Scorpio)

ALGORITH= July 31st 2013 (Leo)

 

JOSEPHINA= July 26th 2010 (Leo)

MARIGOLD= April 23 2013 (Taurus)

SIMEON=

MAVERICK=

RAZWELL=

WRECKAGE= March 4th 2014 (Pisces)

 

KARISSA= January 25th 2014 (Aquarius)

BRIDGET=

 

NATHANIEL= November 18th 2011? (Scorpio)

SERGEI= July 23rd 2013 (Leo)

QUEEN=

 

MINTY= May 30th 2013? (Gemini)

EINSATZ= July 15th 2013 (Cancer)

EMMETT= October 25th? 2012 (Scorpio)

TOBIKO= March 2nd 2014 (Pisces)

GARRISON= November 17th 2013 (Scorpio)

 

KYANOS= February 26th 2013 (Pisces)

PINSTRIPE= August 5th 2010? (Leo)

 

WALDORF= March 3rd 2003 (Pisces)

MISSY= ???

GENT=

NIENNA= 2014

 

LEON= April 18th 2010 (Aries)

DAVID= April 23 2013 (Taurus)

AIRPORT= August 15th 2012 (Leo)

CHURCH?=

 

LAURIE= September 4th 2006

CHRISTINA MARIE= June 2013? ()

ISADORA= November 17th 2013 (Scorpio)

 

JULIE= 199?

SUGAR= July 22nd 2013 (Cancer/Leo)

ASHEN= January 25th 2014 (Aquarius)

KNIFE= June 12th 2013 (Gemini)

 

MULBERRY= May 1st 2013 (Taurus)

JEREMIAH= June 6th 2013 (Gemini)

EROS= December 9th 2011 (Sagittarius)

JABBERWOCK= 2014

 

SHERLOCK= 2013

FOGBANK=

 

JAY=

INFINITII= April 3rd 2013

 

RYMAN=
MARKUS=

CHAOS=

GENESIS= JULY 4TH 2005

XENOPHON= MARCH 13 2011

CELEBI=

JEWEL= MAY 7TH

 



 

 

ARIES

  • Infinitii

  • Leon

  • Cel?

 

TAURUS

  • Jewel?

  • Cannon

  • Marigold

  • David

  • Mulberry

 

GEMINI

  • Minty

  • Jeremiah

  • The Bear

 

CANCER

  • Einsatz

  • Zwei

 

LEO

  • Julie

  • Josephina

  • Sugar

  • Genesis

  • Pinstripe

  • Algorith

 

VIRGO

  • Laurie

  • Spice

 

LIBRA

  • Jay

  • Razor

  • Jayce

 

SCORPIO

  • Nathaniel

  • Garrison

  • Emmett

  • Aimee

 

SAGITTARIUS

  • Leon

  • Eros

  • Dread?

 

CAPRICORN

  • Javier

  • Spine

 

AQUARIUS

  • CZ

  • Ashen

  • The Destroyer

 

PISCES

  • Xenophon

  • Waldorf

  • Tobiko



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

 

timeline is largely missing from 1990 -- 2000

 

----------------------------ELEMENTARY SCHOOL-------------------------------------------

+ JEWEL LIGHTRAYE (2000-1)

+ CEL (2001)

+ HOSEKI (2002-3) (FRAGMENTED)

----------------------------high school starts-------------------------------------------

+ "third jewel" (dissolved) (2004-6?)

+ SPINNingcannon (2005-8?)

+ JESSICA (2006+?)

--------------------------------------------JOB STARTS------------------------------------------------

+ Jaqueline (2006+)

+ jennifer (2006+)

--------------------------------UNIVERSITY starts-------------------------------------------

+ CANNON (2008-9)

--------------------------ARTIST BLOODLINE SPLITS OFF------------------------------

+ CEL #2 (2009) (DISSOLVED)

+ Spinzor (2009) (SUMMER ONLY)

+ GLISSANDO (2009) (SUMMER ONLY)

+ "MANIC SPIN" (2009) (dissolved)

+ INK (2010) (UNKNOWN)

-------------------------BLOODLINE SPLITS IN HALF-------------------------------------

+ Pinstripe (2010) (DIED, FRAGMENTED)

-------------------------POST-UTAH SUICIDE ATTEMPT--------------------------------

+ "MALE JEWEL" (2011) (FRAGMENTED)

+ EROS (2012?) (SPLIT IN HALF, RESET)

--------------------------SLC TRIP MEMORY BREAK-------------------------------------

+ DEON (2012-3?) (DIED)

----------------------------------SCRATCH ATTEMPT------------------------------------------

+jay iridos (2013)

----------------------------------MASSACRE IN 2014 ------------------------------------------

+ JEWEL (2000) RETURNS

----------------------------------HARD RESET IN 2016------------------------------------------

+jay iridos (2013) RESTORED; POSSIBLE SURNAME CHANGE?

 

 

SYSTEM NO LONGER APPEARS TO HAVE A SINGLE "CORE"

 

UNKNOWN STATUS IN 2015?




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





prismaticbleed: (Default)



  1. WRECKAGE
  2. JAY (ANUBIS/ANGEL)
  3. WATSON
  4. SHINZOU??
  5. KALISHA
  6. CAKE
  7. SIMEON?
  8. JOPHAEL?
  9. NEBISAI
  10. AIMEE
  11. SIREN?
  12. ROXIE
  13. LETHE
  14. SPINE HYPOMONE
  15. JAYCE
  16. OVERLOAD
  17. TRIPLE
  18. BRAXTON
  19. THE DESTROYER
  20. CHOCOLOCO
  21. COCO
  22. JEZEBEL
  23. SPINNY?
  24. ZWEI
  25. JEWEL???
  26. DENDRITE???
  27. JAVIER ANASTASI
  28. DEON
  29. SPINZOR
  30. RUBY? (MANIC RED)
  31. THE STRIPPER?
  32. RORSCHACH?
  33. CANNON
  34. RAZOR
  35. HATCHET
  36. CLEAVER
  37. SCALPEL
  38. DREAD
  39. CRUSADE?
  40. ALTAIRRE?
  41. RUPTURE
  42. JESSE?
  43. ALGORITH
  44. MONTAG
  45. VIXIE
  46. JAMIE
  47. SPICE
  48.  
  49. SUMMER BOY??
  50. CAYENNE
  51. LYNNE STABELLE
  52. HYAKINTH
  53. TIGER LILY?
  54. JASPER?
  55. EXERCISE DUDE
  56. PEACH?
  57. SPIKE
  58. FIG
  59. JUSTICE??
  60. SELIPH??
  61. GENESIS
  62. GAMBOGE?
  63. EPHREM
  64. GRIEVOUS?
  65. PHOENIX
  66. THE MAVERICK
  67. JASON
  68. JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
  69. GALA?
  70. MARIGOLD
  71. MEDALLION?
  72. SYLVAIN
  73. FRENCHIE
  74. RAZWELL
  75. Y?
  76. CELEBI
  77. KARISSA
  78. THE LESBIAN
  79. THE PEDOPHILE
  80. LEENA?
  81. KERRY
  82. "LITTLE BOY"???
  83. CHEMICAL?
  84. ARMY FLOWER???
  85. BRIDGET
  86. JETFIRE
  87. SERGEI
  88. NURSE
  89. JUNIPER
  90. ENYA GIRL??
  91. NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
  92. JASMINE
  93. "LITTLE GIRL"???
  94. BINGE GIRL? (Leena?)
  95. LIBRIS
  96. CELEBI-THORN
  97. TOX
  98. HARMONIA
  99. EMMETT
  100. GARRISON
  101. MINTY
  102. TOBIKO
  103. EINSATZ
  104. QUEEN
  105. DAVY
  106. THE CONDEMNER?
  107. THE LIAR
  108. CHAOS ZERO
  109. PERFECT?
  110. PINSTRIPE?
  111. YB?
  112. KYANOS KATHEDRIKOS
  113. "BAT EARS"
  114. THE MOURNER
  115. MOXIE
  116. MISSY
  117. YOGA GIRL?
  118. MIRROR GIRL?
  119. FREEZE GIRL?
  120. THE FLIRT?
  121. JEMMA
  122. JOSHUA
  123. WALDORF KALLIOPE
  124. NIENNA?
  125. RIO?
  126. PRELUDOVE
  127. DALTON?
  128. THE GENT
  129. AMARA
  130. LEON KIASI
  131. DAVID
  132. INTERIM
  133. GLISSANDO
  134. JESSICA
  135. ACONITUM?
  136. VEIL
  137. BIZ
  138. NEXUS
  139. CHRISTINA?
  140. KAIN?
  141. XENOPHON LEPHISE
  142. LAURIE UBERICH
  143. ISADORA
  144. MARKUS BARASHIR
  145. PATRICIA?
  146. ALDREA
  147. MAITRU
  148. JULIE ENANTIOS
  149. SUGAR
  150. KNIFE
  151. ASHEN
  152. JENNIFER
  153. SPINEL?
  154. WHISKET?
  155. ISCAH
  156. E.D. TALKER?
  157. UNICORN PRINCESS??
  158. (SCHOOLKID JESS)
  159. PTERODACTYL?
  160. EROS
  161. JEREMIAH
  162. MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
  163. THE JABBERWOCK
  164. LEANNE
  165. AZALEA
  166. JACINTH?
  167. PAINT ROLLER
  168. HOSEKI
  169. CERISE PROTECTOR?
  170. FOGBANK
  171. THE SCIENTIST?
  172. THE ANDROGYNE?
  173. SHERLOCK EPISTEME?
  174. MISTER SANDMAN
  175. QUICKSILVER?
  176. XIPHOID
  177. SILIVREN
  178. IRIDOS
  179. ADAKIAS
  180. CRAZYJAY
  181. DIAMANTE
  182. TRIAD
  183. TILLY
  184. LACE BRAIDS
  185. ICICLE
  186. NILLA
  187. PLAGUE
  188. INFINITII ETERNOS
  189. SHARONA
  190. SPACE MOTHER
  191. TAR
  192. VEZERAI
  193. DEVONAL


    tentative:
    JACQUELINE?
    BRAZEN?
    WILLOW???


    *EATING DISORDER VOICES ARE INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC: SOME CAN ONLY EAT CERTAIN FOODS. THIS IS VITAL TO OUR SURVIVAL!!!


prismaticbleed: (Default)

(LAST UPDATED 080417)

FLOATING VOICES AND OUTSIDE SOCIALS ARE NOT CONSIDERED PART OF THE SPECTRUM.
THEY ARE, HOWEVER, PART OF THE
SYSTEM, AS THEY ARE STILL ALTERS.
CONVERSELY, OUTSPACERS ARE PART OF THE
SPECTRUM, BUT NOT OF THE SYSTEM.

 


SYSTEM CORES ("Hosts")

Individuals who function as the internal "anchorpoint" for the entire System. They are virtually always male-presenting.
Their existence preserves the foundations of the System. They may also be able to do data work for the LeagueWorlds.
They rarely front, being built for internal work, but all can still front whenever they wish.
They have no native level, but they work with Central, and move freely throughout all of headspace.
The current Core is always part of Central. Surviving past Cores may reside on any level they choose.
+jay iridos (CURRENT)

+ CANNON (2008-9)

+ Pinstripe (DIED?) (2010)
+ "MALE JEWEL" [adakias[ (2011)

+ cupid (2012?)

+ DEON? (dIED) (2012-3)



JEWEL CORES
Individuals who are tied to the "Jewel Bloodline" of the System's origin.
They are virtually always female-presenting.
They work almost exclusively with the Leagueworlds, being able to actively exist in them, & managing all our outside creative work.
They have overriding fronting rights and typically are out for extended periods of time.
They do not properly exist in headspace and so have no native level, but they work with Central when needed.
A Jewel Core is rarely, if ever, in headspace. This is what differentiates them from System Cores.

+ JEWEL LIGHTRAYE (2000-1) (CURRENT)
+ HOSEKI (2002-3)
+ "third jewel" (dissolved) (2004-6?)
+ SPINNingcannon (2006-7?)
+ Spinzor (2009) (SUMMER ONLY?)



DRIVERS ("Main Fronters")
Individuals who act as Socials but who function as the "main" INSIDE-ROOTED fronter for a certain time period.
They ideally work to balance the daily existence with internal existence.
They typically have overriding fronting rights, and are almost always out during their respective time periods.
They typically have a vague internal existence, if any, and some do not take their own face or name at first.
They may not gain individuality until after they have "faded" out of main fronting for a significant time period.

Not many Drivers are Cores, but in the past it was typical for several Drivers to share that job to a fair extent.
THEY ARE ALWAYS AWARE OF THE SYSTEM, HOWEVER VAGUELY.
+ OVERLOAD
+ "MANIC SPIN" (dissolved)
+ GLISSANDO? (SUMMER NIGHT ONLY?)

+ JEMMA

 

 

DÆMONS
Tentative category; this phenomenon is being researched.
Individuals who are spiritually bound to "human-base" members of the System (the Cores, some Outspacers), and/or the System subconscious at large.
They act as "shadow complements" to their hosts, being made of the same soulstuff, but holding more dangerous and/or buried characteristics that their host has not accepted or integrated properly.
They are not allowed to front unless given explicit permission to do so both by and along with their host.
They reside in floating space, which has no level. Their movement in structured headspace seems highly limited.
+ INFINITII ETERNOS (Jay)

+ LETHE STYX (RYMAN)

+ MEDALLION GUILLOTINE (MARKUS)
+ DENDRITE (HOSEKI)
+ CHOCOLOCO VANILOCO (JEmma?)

+ axis (jessica)

+nexus (laurie)

+ cake (???)
+ SELIPH? (GENESIS)
+ PERFECT? (CHAOS)



CENTRAL MEMBERS ("Central")
The original "headvoices," and overseers of the entire System.
They deal with inner maintenance, protecting the Cores and actively resisting the Tar/Plague.
They can front whenever they wish, typically for management purposes, but are not triggered.
They reside in Central, but can freely move between levels.

+ JAVIER ANASTASI
+ SPINE HYPOMONE

+ LYNNE STABELLE
+ JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE

+ CEL
+ NATHANIEL VICTOIRE

+ CHAOS ZERO

+ KYANOS KATHEDRIKOS
+ WALDORF KALLIOPE
+ LEON KIASI
+ LAURIE UBERICH
+ JULIE ENANTIOS
+ EROS

+ jay iridos

+ SHERLOCK

+ INFINITII ETERNOS



MIDSPACE MEMBERS ("Midspacers")

Individuals who reside in the buildings/streets of Central City, or in the areas outside the City.
They have benevolent "helper" roles, and are not tied to any trauma or triggers.
They are not triggered, and can only front if they are asked to.
They stay in Central City, and only rarely visit Central or the Underground.

+ AIMEE

+ HYAKINTH

+ SERGEI

+ AMARA

 

 

ARCHIVISTS ("Data Voices")
Individuals who tend to 'float' in non-space, without entering the City.
They deal exclusively with data management.
They only front when asked to; otherwise, they guide all other fronters.
They have no native level, but their locations are analogous to Midspace.
+ KALISHA

+ GARRISON

+ ISADORA

+ SHERLOCK


LOWSPACE MEMBERS ("Lowers")
Individuals who reside in the lower streets/ early underground level of Central City.
They deal with holding and healing emotional trauma and triggers.
They front when triggered. Some can front if they wish to.
They reside in both Central City and the Underground, and work with the latter.
+ SPICE

+ MARIGOLD

+ EMMETT

+ DAVID

+ JEREMIAH

 

 

UNDERGROUND MEMBERS ("Undergrounders")
Individuals who reside below Central City, in the catacombs and tunnels.
They deal with inner maintenance, physical atonement, and/or preventing further trauma.
They can front whenever they wish, but may also be triggered, although this is rare.
They reside in the Underground and rarely leave it unless direly needed. They work with Central.

+ RAZOR

+ BRAXTON

+ ALGORITH

+ MINTY
+ CHRISTINA MARIE
+ SUGAR

+ KNIFE

+ MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY



CHTHONIC MEMBERS ("Chthonics")
Individuals who reside below the Underground, in the caverns and pits.
They deal with trauma management, and hold the most pain and fear of anyone else in the System.
They only front when triggered, although most can front whenever they wish as well.
They reside in the bowels of headspace and rarely leave it unless direly needed. They work mainly as rogues.
+ DREAD
+ WRECKAGE
+ TOBIKO
+ ASHEN
+ "JABBERWOCK"

 

 

DOWNSTAIRS MEMBERS ("Socials")
Individuals who exist almost exclusively "in the body," as opposed to in headspace.
They deal with direct aspects of physical life, as opposed to inner life.
This does NOT mean they necessarily socialize.
They front when triggered, and/or when their anchors are sufficiently focused upon.
They have no native inner level as they do not typically reside there, but by default they first appear in Lowspace.
They are different from Drivers in that they are never the "main people" out, and do not speak for the System as such.

+ JAYCE
+ "THE DESTROYER"
+ HATCHET
+ "VICTINI?"

+ ZWEI
+ "EXERCISE GUY"
+ MAVERICK
+ LEENA?
+ QUEEN

+ EINSATZ
+ gent

+ NIENNA
+ "AIRPORT"



OUTSIDE SOCIALS
Individuals who function as OUTSIDE-ROOTED fronters for a certain time period or context.
They exist to "follow a safe script" in the outside world, appearing "normal" and therefore hiding our existence.
They are typically "forced" out to front in social situations, for good or ill, and it is often very hard to get them out.
They do not have
any internal existence, nor do they have their own names (as far as we know).
THYE ARE NORMALLY UNAWARE OF THE SYSTEM. THEY ARE THEREFORE NOT PART OF THE SPECTRUM.
THEY EXIST ONLY TO SOCIALIZE.
OUTSIDE SOCIALS CAN BE EITHER NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE.
+ JESSE?
+ JENNIFER



WRITER "SOCIALS"
Tentative category.
Individuals who only evidence through handwriting or written entries.
They usually have deep insight or knowledge into relevant topics, or may hold exclusive memories that need to be shared.
They do not front unless writing by hand. Otherwise they only channel.
They do not reside on any detectable level that we know of yet.
+ SIMEON



UNASSIGNED/UNSURE
Individuals whose role, functions, levels, etc. are currently unclear to us.
They can be interacted with internally, and therefore are NOT faceless.
Some may ultimately fragment out of existence without gaining solid anchors.
+ RAZWELL

+ GAMBOGE
+ Karissa
+ lEANNE?
+ "VEIL"




FACELESS VOICES
Voices that are internally-based and therefore potential Spectrum holders, who are not clearly perceivable yet.
They may have colors or tentative names, but they
never have faces at this stage.
Faceless voices exist in "floatspace" and
CANNOT be interacted with internally. They CAN be dragged out to front, however.
Faceless voices often fade out of existence without gaining solid anchors.
Faceless voices all deal with the outside world, BUT not all count as "Socials."

FACELESS VOICES CAN BE EITHER NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE.
+ SUMMER BOY?

+ EPHREM
+ MOXIE
+ "BAT EARS"
+ aconitum
+ "THE ANDROGYNE"
+ "LITTLE GIRL"
+ "LOST BOY"




OUTSPACERS ("Walk-ins")
Individuals from media sources or Leagueworlds whose dreamselves have "moved into" our System.
They have no specific System function, but offer their support when able.
They are incapable of fronting. Many of them prefer to "ghost" in physical reality, to help current fronters.
They work with Central when needed.
THEY ARE TECHNICALLY
NOT PART OF THE SYSTEM. THEY MAY NOT BE OFFICIAL PARTS OF THE SPECCTRUM.
+ "GALA"?

+ GENESIS APOLYMIS

+ CHAOS ZERO
+ "DAVY"?

+ RYMAN SAIKARAS

+ MARKUS BARASHIR

+ XENOPHON LEPHISE

 

HONORARY MEMBERS
Individuals from the Leagueworlds who interact with our System regularly/ have interacted with us notably on a benevolent basis.
Most of them know the Jewel Core(s) personally.
Some of them have strong ghosting abilities and will accompany the cores if needed.
THEY DO NOT COUNT AS PART OF THE SYSTEM OR SPECTRUM.
+ HOSEA
+ NEBISAI
+ PSYCHE
+ JUSTICE
+ PRELUDOVE

+ MISTER SANDMAN
+ VEZERAI
+ DEVONAL



CORRUPTED/MALICIOUS

Individuals that have been corrupted by the Tar/Plague, or who work for it/ its mutual goals of their own free will.
They are actively malevolent towards the rest of the System.
They can only front by "hacking."
They have no native level, but seem to stay hidden in the Underground, Chthonic, or "basement" levels.
+ "CLEAVER"?
+ "THE STRIPPER"

+ "MANIC RED"
+ BRAZEN "BAD JESS"
+ ANNA
+ "THE PEDOPHILE???"

+ "THE LESBIAN"

+ BRIDGET
+ JASMINE "THE PAGAN"

+ MISSY
+ "BAD EROs"
+ SHARONA
+ TAR (JEZEBEL)
+ "THE SCIENTIST"
+ "FOGBANK"
+ PLAGUE
+ "LACE BRAIDS"



THERE ARE MANY OTHER UNIDENTIFIED ALTERS IN OUR SYSTEM.
MANY OF THEM DO NOT HAVE INTERNAL ROOTS AND THEREFORE ARE DIFFICULT TO DETECT.

WE ARE SLOWLY FINDING THEM AND LEARNING THEIR FUNCTIONS/ LEVELS/ ETC.
WE WILL UPDATE THIS POST AS ACCURATELY AS POSSIBLE TO REFLECT THIS NEW KNOWLEDGE.

 



prismaticbleed: (Default)


thesolarsystems:

Do you have an angry/aggressive alter?

I’m here to tell you that that is absolutely okay! You have every right to be angry with what has happened to you. It makes sense for an alter to hold on to anger. It makes sense for an alter to hold on to aggression that you were not able to express.
It’s so important to show your angry/aggressive alters love. It can be scary, and it can be difficult. But they will be so grateful that you showed them love in a world that they thought was so cruel.
- River (a previously aggressive alter, who is still angry sometimes, but very grateful for my system members who have showed me love and acceptance)



#jay's post #the damaged ones #the furious ones
#we all have to do this. including me. #we can't just talk about lights we have to BE lights #we aren't taking tangible enough ACTION on this point #not yet anyway #and a lot of that inaction is being caused BY SOCIALS who are AFRAID OF BEING PART OF A SYSTEM #so they won't let us do anything #good or bad #because they are terrified #and we need to prove to those socials that we love them and will treat them with compassion and understanding #we need to talk about this
#but yeah that one girl who is embarrassed by any and all shows of love? #she feels filthy and wrong and is scared that all such shows are abusive and false #therefore we have to gently but notably show her somehow that such painful feelings are not true #help her to accept hope
#and that angry one who we all know as '???' who is ALWAYS screaming at or about something #has admitted herself that it's all anchored in gut-deep agony and sorrow and helpless fear #and it just explodes into rage through her
#but nousfoni like them need love shown to them so desperately #and i mean REAL love #not the stuff falsely passed off as love #showy and conditional and manipulative and cloying and terrifying #THAT IS NOT LOVE. #so this is definitely a delicate process #but it can be done #and #i need it too. #i do hold trauma through this bloodline





Dear ones who never front: You are real. Just because you don’t front for whatever reason doesn’t mean you’re existence is fake. You are so amazing and you are real.


#hey socials read this #most of our inner-locked folks actually hold VITAL roles #and all of you who get too much dysphoria to front #you don't have to force through that to be valid so please remember this #and to all of those who simply have no need or want to front #that's totally fine too #the inside world is just as important as the outside one #and you are needed right where you are
 

bpdvoiid: i hate that my first reaction to stress is always Time To Die™ like ok calm down edgelord


#we need to talk about this #this is actually a trauma-rooted response for us #our triggers for stress are the sorts of things that either #made us feel like we weren't WORTH living #or made us terrified to survive to see the consequences OF that stressor #so the kneejerk reaction is to die from utter despair #different colors but the same lack of hope #learning not to respond to this reaction with 'calm down edgelord' btw because that's invalidating whatever hurt part of us DOES want to die #because they cannot see another option #the scary side of the system #the damaged ones #the lost ones

The myth that persecutors/avengers/angry protectors/etc are inherently “bad alters”/”evil alters” needs to stop. I used to believe this and I ended up being openly hostile to several alters (in my system and in others) who are children, trauma survivors who have not yet learned that the world is not as violent as they think it is, or that they can find comfort. If you’re able to safely do so, please try to teach these violent or self-destructive alters that they don’t need to be destructive anymore. It won’t heal them overnight, but please consider that they’ve likely been through the worst of whatever the system has experienced, and try to be patient and welcoming.



#VITALLY IMPORTANT #we need to talk about this #we need to do this #the damaged ones #razor #overload #the lost ones #we've always been very heartbroken hearing about 'littles' in other systems because all our kids are traumatized #none of them can relate to the easygoing vibe typically associated with childhood #they look for comfort in those things but it doesn't stay #also it just hit me that all of our most violent alters are stuck around ages 13-17 it seems #no adults #which makes sense because the system 'woke up' for good in 2008 #but yeah #this is hugely important #the scary side of the system
 


#underground #lanterns #geometry #plants #cisterns #headspace locations #this has such a momentous vibe to it #meditation mission starters #i am SO INTRIGUED by the presence of PLANTS AND LANTERNS in a place that looks like the entrance to the freaking tar rooms #and that white square just speaks volumes

 

Faith and fear both demand you believe in something you cannot see. You choose! ❞

- Bob Proctor



#food for thought #quote #this is a very interesting thought #this is also very relevant to those in our system who think they're singlets #but know very well that there are 'voices' both in and outside their head so to speak #i want them to know this #you can have faith in the spectrum #or you can ignore us and live in fear of the floating liars #please choose the spectrum #you're welcome here



Tbh I experience being androgyne as being something so masculine and feminine that it has transcended masculinity and femininity and become some mixed up magical rainbow type thing but maybe that’s just me



#feeling this so hard lately #i like this concept #all our life we have been a diehard androgyne when you really boil it down #we identify as nonbinary but we do deeply value the binary genders as far as their traditional characteristics are concerned in polarity #we could NEVER be just one or the other #we were always both to such an extreme that we became neither #essentially #and we're really learning to love that again unashamedly #we've spent too long trying to force ourselves into boxes out of fear #no more #time to be a mixed up magical rainbow type thing once again #because that's never changed on the inside after all



#snow #stars #sunrise #pentagape #laurie's post #kid THIS is what you need to keep constantly in mind and heart #this feeling #you know what i mean #whatever it takes #stay who you are in these moments #because that's what life feels like #and you know what i mean by that too



#words #stars #laurie #infinitii #laurie's post #dead serious i'm butting in here JUST to post this inspirational pic #because it matters #it MATTERS #this goes out to ALL the trauma-holders in our system #even if you aren't aware you are one #binge girl i'm looking at you kid #we need to talk #but you're trying REALLY HARD and i am so bloody proud of you #don't give up #you're worth the fight too #yes you. #keep on truckin kid #and of course jay this goes out to you too #as always #you're worth every drop of blood i've ever spilled #and countless more #don't ever forget that #ever #live up to it #like you always do #and things'll work out #i guarantee it

 

Given the right environment everything heals. Your body heals. Your heart heals. The mind heals. Wounds heal. Your soul repairs itself.


#ENVIRONMENT IS SO IMPORTANT #if the external environment cannot be changed then at least make your inner one as beautiful as possible #we need to talk about this #remember this #system healing #there's still hope


look at what our dashboard just did.


#waldorf #to all the earthly cores #this actually helps a LOT #thanks usagi #don't ever underestimate the power of creative visualization like this #i don't care if you legit have to wear a tiara #if it helps you live as your best self then you rock that tiara #and wear it with honor #sailor moon

 

Being a good person is a choice. Don’t let people fool you into believing that truly good people never have bad thoughts, are never tempted by the easier path, by the low road, never mess up or act out selfishly. Never believe a person can be good without making a conscious effort.

Every single time you do something good, you’ve made a decision to make the world a little brighter.

Goodness is not an inherent trait, it is a choice. Keep making it! I see you, I’m proud of you, and I’m rooting for you!

“Goodness is not an inherent trait” is jarring to read at first, but in light of this statement, it makes sense.

The human struggle with temptations, with intrusive thoughts, with selfish wants, with less than gentle words and actions… it’s a basic part of life. It’s a war we all must fight, day in and day out.
But those shadows are not who we are. The battle is. If goodness isn’t an inherent trait, neither is evil. Those are both labels given to patterns of behavior. To “become good,” sometimes one must trudge through years of “bad.” That doesn’t make them a “bad person.” It just means they are fighting!
It ALL comes down to choice, little choices, one after another. Every decision we make is a penny in the bank– it is up to us to decide which fortune we want to build upon. Will we increase the light in the world, or will we increase the gloom? And we can change at any time… for better or for worse, there and back again.

That’s the terror and thrill of life. That’s the painful joy of it.

It’s always a conscious effort to be “good,” but that’s what makes it so meaningful– that consciousness. That is the factor that TRULY shows who we are at heart– what do we consciously choose to do? Even if we slip up, which we all will, in what directions do our hearts stalwartly point nevertheless? Who, in the deepest parts of our souls, do we sincerely want to be?
Those are the conscious choices that we must act upon, no matter how difficult the opposition may be, no matter how many times we have fallen before. The story is not over. You are writing it. Even if you cannot change your circumstances, your spirit is indomitable. Hold to that.

I see you, too, and I am cheering for you.
Just by having that sincere desire to shine ever brighter, you are already beginning to do so.
With all meaning intended– keep up the good work!


#food for thought #i'm in an inspirational mood today #here's hoping this helps whoever needs it right now #i have faith in all of you #jay's post


#heck yes #laurie's post #josephina's post #i think all protectors can get behind this one #words #truth #this is the virtuous side of destruction #and i absolutely love it #it's not brutal or violent #but it's unflinching and razor sharp #truth destroys not with malice but with a blazing sort of love #knowing that only truth remains in the end and therefore truth must be protected at all costs #there's a lot of untruth in this life #but it cannot last by its very definition #burn it to the ground #and let roses bloom in those ashes #this is what we live for


#ashen #this goes out to ALL the trauma-holders in our system #let us help you with this please #it's too much to feel alone #that's why we exist after all #roses #ribbons #words #system healing

 

I like to make people a little uncomfortable. It encourages them to examine who they are and why they think the way they do. ❞

- Sally Mann


#WORDS TO LIVE BY #quote #slowly but steadily and joyously learning how to live this on a daily basis #we've been so used to forcing ourselves to be as innocuous and mild as possible #but those virtues taken to extremes become vices #and it is an inherent part of our nature to make people a little uncomfortable #so to speak #this quote sums up exactly why #there's a great deal of wisdom required to pull off this lifestyle #you cannot be brash about it #you have to be fiercely compassionate #you have to be aware of the effect you will have on people #and refuse to tolerate ignorance and irresponsibility #while still respecting the fact that some people may not yet be READY to question their thoughts about certain things #and that's just where they are right now #so you have to be gentle but ruthless about it #a lovely paradox #think of life like a snowglobe #it's the loveliest when you shake it up a little #jay's post

 


#jay's post #matthew 10:16 #i think about this a lot #a priest once recommended that i take that verse as my motto too #be as wise as serpents but as innocent as doves #be gentle and kind and guileless #but also be shrewd and prudent and cunning #the two are NOT mutually exclusive #there is a very powerful virtue in their unity #that edge is VITAL to spiritual integrity #we all got WAY too soft for a while #but even angels carry swords dude #and i miss this righteous fire in my heart #i'm gonna keep it there #snakes #doves #i need to write about this #system spirituality


br

Jul. 11th, 2017 01:46 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)

love is undying.



this is the new tumblr for the
lotus cathedral system,
a diagnosed traumagenic D.I.D. system
with at least 140 identified members.



we're slowly recovering from an extensively destructive "internal reset" attempt, and the consequential losses both inside and outside.
but we are alive.
we are together.

and that alone is hope undying.




     


070217

Jul. 2nd, 2017 03:33 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


woke up at 9am,
stayed in bed until noon listening to spotify. too tired, no strength/spoons to do otherwise.

then when we did wake up,
suddenly who appears in headspace
but dendrite.

her eye was open.
furious. weeping.
crying tears so hot they hit the ground and sizzled like lava.

"YOU TRIED TO BURN ME ALIVE."


she knew who did it. it was brazen.
the REAL "jezebel," the one who initially held that name when we were a child, before she discarded it and hid.
but we knew. we recognized her.
and apparently she had a hand in the year-long dead period we just escaped from,
because she burnt 95% of all our headspace-related possessions.

and then she tried to burn all memories of us to the ground, too.

but dendrite. dendrite, the daemon tied to the FEMALE cores, she's probably just as important as infinitii if we're right about that... to think, how did that affect her, for the very fact of her existence to be completely ignored for so long, denied and tossed aside, to the point of near death?


lethe and medallion were comforting her. it was obvious they were deeply shaken.
jewel wasn't saying anything. she's in shock.
she's always been somewhat 'detached' from headspace but i think now she realizes she does not have that luxury anymore.
she has a daemon-- she has a living manifestation of her shadow side, a being that knows and carries her biggest vices but still loves her-- and she can't ignore that fact anymore. she has to admit it's true, and then she can grow.
but she's terrified. jewel is a drifter. her vice is that she doesn't quite care, not as much as she otherwise always does, what she leaves behind. she'll love everything as brightly as ever, but the minute she leaves, she's gone.
i don't know when she got like that. her whole existence is a mess right now and we all need to talk about it.
but right now, the most important thing is getting her to realize that she STILL has her freedom. she can still jump into outspacer worlds, she can still work with the leagueworlds, she can still draw and write and create. she's not barred from ANY of that just because she has a daemon now. but... she's afraid of the responsibility. the inescapable responsibility. like having a child. you cannot run from that. and you cannot run from daemons-- they are your heart, in a very real way.
especially dendrite.



i'm trying to draw dendrite. to tap into how she looks, and keep her alive. show her the respect she deserves.
it's an intuitive process. i have to 'feel out' her appearance and that needs a great deal of time.
it'll take a few days-- i have a certain birthday picture i absolutely have to get done tomorrow.

in the meantime, we need to sleep.


don't worry, we're ending the day on a good note.
it was a very rough day, but still. we're alive still, and there's good music on our headphones, and we're talking to dear ollie on tumblr, and chaos 0 is still in sonic forces (he looks so gorgeous i can't get over it), and genesis's birthday is on wednesday, and everyone is upstairs waiting for me and that just makes my heart very bright even if it aches.
i'm gonna go talk to dendrite. her, me, and infi. see what happens.

tomorrow is a brighter day. we're looking forward to it.

 

062717

Jun. 27th, 2017 11:58 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)


this morning:

KERRY??????????? WALDORF'S SISTER??????
POSSIBLE LIME HOLDER. NO IDEA.
her anchor vibe is still super strong and we haven't seen her SINCE Waldorf "went to sleep" but whoa. talk about a surprise. definitely looking into this


tonight:
movies! transformers.

scene with laurie fighting. lynne joins, with shield. then julie, with whip-- realizes it doesn't fit her anymore.
laurie gets "stabbed through" with tar. jay immediately realizes that he was "assuming she'd be OK" but there was NO guarantee of that. so he just as quickly reaches out and telekinetically "pulls out" the tar and she heals. laurie looks to him, shocked at this

laurie despairing over feeling like she wasn't getting anywhere with fighting?
questioning her purpose again
no matter how hard she fought, they fought back just as hard

jay runs into the middle of the battlefield, "maybe it's not about fighting that way"
just shines; lotus-heart crystal feeling. tar literally cannot go near him

laurie starts tearfully laughing at this
mentions the "beating our swords into plowshares" verse

then the environment shifted?
everything became crystal-clear, white vibe, but not stark?
including our bodies
hearts visible, all colored our spectrum hues
laurie immediately wrapped her arms around her chest, eyes flooding with tears

javier standing in doorway, "what does it mean that we all bleed red?" also crying quietly over this thought

sherlock downstairs, blood was SILVER.
put his arms up to the air, "I'm part of this System," really hit him hard for once. deep "centralite" vibe in him. blessed
wreckage runs down stairs, as she does everything shifts back to normal (sense that the Spectrum itself would not force anyone who was "not ready" to experience that clear-vulnerable state)
in tears though. asking sherlock, "is gold my color, or his?" referencing watson.
we're not sure. watson still has no face inside. we'll have to help him out


josephina & waldorf talking later? about their purposes. jo's original "anti-id" role.

everyone getting emotional over the movie. julie screaming "no, no!!!" when people were dying. laurie looking a total wreck, "I've never felt so helpless;" wanted to jump in and fight off the attackers, but couldn't. leon weeping and being unable to watch
brief "heartspace" visit to scene though; laurie just put her arms out and tapped into inherent Violet energy? HUGE bass rumble like thunder, feeling like she was pulling some cosmic force out of the earth

mention of angel helmet later. laurie still carries it in her personal pocketspace apparently. also her laurel crown, which SEEMS CONNECTED TO IT??? it, too, gives her a gold-based form shift.
MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT COLOR.

most importantly, who was out most but JEWEL!!!
realizing that SHE is STILL the one who can "reach OUT" and walk into other worlds; also, like Jay, she LOVES EVERYONE but in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT WAY.
Jewel could casually kiss and flirt with everyone around with no reticence or shame or hesitation, BUT she could never be in a relationship with any of them. jay, on the other hand, cannot be casual on the outside!! he's one-on-one intimate and close with people, and ONLY on the INSIDE. whereas Jewel doesn't have any such connections with nousfoni???? she's ONLY OUTSPACERS.
but only Jewel can GET people from outside inside in order to BE close to Jay.

ALSO. 'feeling out' rio and markus in all this; we KNOW someone inside us still loves them, but it's NOT Jay, not like that at least. they're still heartspace-rooted, still a totally different level; they CAN'T be close to Jay as a result.
but we THINK Jewel is, still?? at least one of them.

also thinking CANNON-- the ORIGINAL one, with the red hair-- was the one in love with JC & DP???
still learning to feel out who feels what inside. but it's getting easier, and it's so beautiful to really realize that NONE of the love we've EVER felt has faded. it's just held by different people.

on that note, the Jewel who's our "core sister" is NOT the one from 2006 or so who is in love with Davy. that's POSSIBLY hoseki, not sure. still a jewel, but might not even have the klonoa hair??? we'll see!

later, markus & rio talking to THAT^ jewel (I think?) about they possibly having their OWN "pentagape" group, but theirs would be a hexagon, assuming their daemons were all involved???
jewel saying "I don't think dendrite would be interested" but markus interjects, surprisingly adamantly, "that's because you don't talk to her." which is true.
also realizing that rio's "yami" is VERY similar to Laurie (always was) and that rio probably loves him terribly BUT he's so hidden and keeps getting corrupted by outside sources; system probably keeping him from being around at all r/n to keep him safe in that sense?
"phoenix" is entirely his own thing though.
in any cases the "yami" phenomenon as it exists in headspace is still a total anomaly; they were all very "malevolent" during that triple incident BUT that's because they are super vulnerable to TAR/PLAGUE INFLUENCE just like daemons can be so yeah that whole thing needs to be very much reviewed and looked into currently.
NEED to go back and reread that stuff with them, solidify their history in our present memory.

HEARTSPACE AND HEADSPACE WERE MADE TO WORK TOGETHER.
JAY & THE NOUSFONI ARE ANCHORED IN HEADSPACE.
JEWEL & THE OTHERSPACERS ARE ANCHORED IN HEARTSPACE.
BUT NOUSFONI BENEFIT INCREDIBLY FROM VISITING HEARTSPACE; THAT IS WHERE DEEPLY IMPORTANT, INFINITE-POSSIBILITY SCENARIOS OCCUR BASED ON OUR HEARTS AND THEY ALLOW FOR MASSIVE PERSONAL GROWTH THAT CANNOT HAPPEN IN HEADSPACE WITHOUT OUTSIDE TRIGGERS.
THIS IS WHY JEWEL NEVER HAD TROUBLE; SHE WAS ABLE TO LEARN ALL HER "TRAUMA LESSONS" ON THE INSIDE INSTEAD OF SEEKING INCITEMENT FOR SUCH OUTSIDE AS HEADSPACE TENDS TO DO.
SO, IF WE START ACTIVELY VISITING HEARTSPACE MORE OFTEN, POSSIBLY JOINING OUR REALMS TOGETHER (THROUGH COLORSPACE???????), WE WOULD ALL BENEFIT HUGELY FROM IT!!!
THIS WOULD ALLOW NOT ONLY FOR CLOSER RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN NOUSFONI, BUT IT WOULD ALSO RESTORE THAT FEELING OF WONDER & LOVE THAT WE USED TO GET ALL THE TIME AND HAVE BEEN MISSING LATELY DUE TO STAYING "OUTSIDE" TOO MUCH.

also Jewel has NO TROUBLE EATING, even when she does so casually. she was nibbling on stuff when we got home (cinnabon popcorn, blue corn chips, cinnamon grahamn crackers, and pistachio ice cream; jeepers girl talk about a sweet tooth) but she only had a tiny bit of each and she had NO disordered urges and she STOPPED IMMEDIATELY when she realized she "didn't really feel like eating"
bravo to you girl, you are a literal godsend today, as always



DON'T FORGET= YESTERDAY, NATHANIEL & JOSEPHINA TALKING OUTSIDE AS WE RAN
discussing nat's past? "death" being a big topic I recall-- notably when giving jo the flower for his hair!!
concept of "dying to give richer life through beauty"; very moving and interesting




ENERGY DOES NOT HAVE "ELEMENTS," IT HAS VIBES!
THIS IS WHY WE KEPT GETTING STUCK WITH IT BEFORE.
they can have elements but mainly it's what they feel like.

RED= BLOOD? "entrances and exits/ ends and beginnings"
VERMILION= FIRE
BROWN= earth, soil, stone. very grounded. bone.
ORANGE= WOOD, especially like in musical instruments.
AMBER= lights on in houses at night, christmas light glow?
YELLOW= electricity? "voltage." sharp power. bright sunshine?
LIME= komorebi, open fields of grass, and the smell of grass
GREEN= forests, dense vegetation, and the smell of trees
"SPRUCE" = pine forests, and the smell of pines
AQUA= water, esp. the ocean
SKY= air, blue skies
BLUE= ELECTRIC POWER. like everything in the movie! also electronic sound!!
INDIGO= ice, winter fog, twilight? silence. serene, uniquely.
PURPLE= robes? oddly "religious" feel. ritual and solemnity.
VIOLET= power in a different sense? thunderstorms, space (like nebulas),
PINK= very gentle, soft. light? cherry blossoms.
CERISE= velvet, roses, cherries, 'SENSUAL' LUXURY, NO LUST
GRAY= paper, ink. the smell of both. dusty bookshelves. (very archivist influenced; that's interesting)
BLACK= dark churches/basilicas, night skies, dark food-things like molasses/ licorice/ clove??
WHITE= snow, crystals, sunlight, prisms,


 


 

 


alive

Jun. 18th, 2017 09:42 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)



system assumed dead for almost a year.

body in an inpatient facility for nearly 9 weeks.

living situation terrifying, future full of fog.

but we’re alive.

we’re alive.



no good thing ever dies.

 



prismaticbleed: (shatter)




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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

060517
#1

CHAIN ANALYSIS OF PROBLEM BEHAVIOR ➜ SELF INJURIOUS BEHAVIOR

VULNERABILITY ➜ PROMPTING EVENT ➜ LINKS ➜ PROBLEM BEHAVIOR ➜ CONSEQUENCES

-----------------------------

1) What exactly is the major PROBLEM BEHAVIOR that I am analyzing?
Self-injurious behavior (PHYSICAL): biting, scratching, punching arms + legs; & tearing hair out at times; slapping self in face

2) What PROMPTING EVENT in the environment started me on the chain to my problem behavior? Include what happened RIGHT BEFORE the urge or thought came into my mind.
Day prompting event occurred: 06-05-17
Treatment team took me off Self-Select because it took me >45 minutes to decide on a meal & figure out the "correct exchanges" while still 100%-"challenging" myself. They said it suggested "too much emotional distress" (which is true) and said I, therefore, would not be allowed on S.S. until further notice.

3) Describe what things in myself and in my environment made me VULNERABLE.
Day the events making me vulnerable started: 06-05-17, but technically 06-01-17
Feeling like I had failed Team & "proved to them that I really am a problem patient" (distortion); was disgusted with self for still struggling with OCD timing issues like they said; felt like stopping S.S. was "stopping my needed progress opportunities," DENYING me the chance TO heal & challenge those behaviors, as "punishment" for screwing up so badly (distortion).

4) List the chain of events specific behaviors and environmental events that actually did happen). Use the ABC-EF list as follows:
A= ACTIONS // B= BODY SENSATIONS // C= COGNITIONS/THOUGHTS // E= EVENTS // F=FEELINGS

FIRST= Team said I took too much time choosing food
SECOND= I felt shocked & mortified as I hadn't realized this
THIRD= I felt scared because I remembered struggling like this before w/ clothes, shopping, etc.

5) What exactly were the consequences in the environment?
I probably looked like a desperate, manipulative, troublemaking, whiny baby.
I probably damaged my reputation and perceived-image to Team even further.
I probably made Team trust me even less? "Fed up" with my constant problematic behavior, such as "shooting down" their VERY GOOD PLANS for me out of scared paranoia & confusion, not being currently able to grasp/ understand their perspectives as much as I SHOULD, etc.
(Is all the above distorted? I hope, even if that's selfish or greedy)
I made a total fool of myself & proved that, apparently so, I really am NOT ready to move on in treatment, even though I WANT to be… and besides, the thought of eating ONE ON ONE with someone, TALKING along with trying to focus on comprehending the meal, but not being able to "defer" the convo to others, and the HUGE pressure of "picking the RIGHT MEAL" to set a good example & not let them down, all at once, is TERRIFYING.

And in myself?
Absolute self-disgust,
crushing frustrated shame & guilt,
felt like a worthless, hopeless failure

What harm did my problem behavior cause?
Ruined my reputation, hurt my treatment,
was 100% idiotic instinctual whiny behavior,
didn't act maturely & acceptingly & wisely,
guilt/ shame/ despair/ disgust caused self harm

6)Prevention plans:
Ways to reduce my
vulnerability in the future:
- ACT WITH MORE INTEGRITY IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Then I won't have REASON to be so ashamed & humiliated!!!

Ways to prevent precipitating event from happening again:
- Give myself a SOLID TIME LIMIT for picking out meal items;
- Stop thinking that "I HAVE to be scared of foods because it's EXPECTED of me" when I'm NOT;
- Choose NEW foods w/o that á stupid "challenge" mindset distraction; for me, NOTHING is scary or challenging because I WANT TO LOVE IT ALL-- therefore, EVERYTHING is 100% OK to choose!!!
MY TRUE CHALLENGE is NOT forcing myself to view perfectly lovely foods AS "challenges"!!!

7) Plans to repair, correct, and overcorrect the harm:
- Apologize for my childish behavior & inflexibility
- Actively find ways to practice not obsessing over choice "correctness" to the point of wasting SO much time


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

061717
#2

★INFO MISSING; BOTTOM HALF OF PAGE CUT OFF ON COPY MACHINE★

----------------------------

CHAIN ANALYSIS OF PROBLEM BEHAVIOR

VULNERABILITY ➜ PROMPTING EVENT ➜ LINKS ➜ PROBLEM BEHAVIOR ➜ CONSEQUENCES

-----------------------------

1) What exactly is the major PROBLEM BEHAVIOR that I am analyzing?
★ bingeing behavior; "I'm already fat; I might as well get fatter" (fat: "worth," "health")
★ thinking "I like/liked this food;" therefore "I MUST have ALL of it or I am saying I actually hate it"; terror of not showing "love" for as many "unloved/feared" foods as possible; want to be "fearless"
★ taking 4 packets of mayonnaise (would have taken more) because ↑ thought process: "I LIKE it so I have to PROVE it"

2) What PROMPTING EVENT in the environment started me on the chain to my problem behavior? Include what happened RIGHT BEFORE the urge or thought came into my mind.
Day prompting event occurred: 06-16-17
★ Saw mac&cheese as an option, w/ vegs
★ thought "this was my first SS meal and my fellow patients and I showed "a lot of courage/ strength" in eating it; also I LIKED it, therefore I CANNOT reject it, or I am rejecting that HEALING and "strength"
★ intended to use tons of mayo on it because I used to binge on it in an attempt to "not hate/ fear it anymore"; if I DIDN'T use it, I was showing that I "hated/ feared" it all over again & my "healing" was null

3) Describe what things in myself and in my environment made me VULNERABLE.
Day the events making me vulnerable started: 06-16-17, and also a long time ago
pressed to "go super fast," "figure out good exchange combos," "eat as much as possible to get fatter/ heavier" = dissociated; "not me," didn't care; "everyone I know (at home) expected me to be a dishonest glutton so I might as well make sure that statement is true, so I don't turn them into liars/ spite them/ doubt their "true judgment" of me and my motives (this is distorted, but I am terrified that it's secretly the truth) [??? page bottom cut off]
seeing lots of foods I felt I HAD to eat NOW because I had liked them at some point in the past, and if I DIDN'T eat them again at this opportunity, I would nullify that "like" and "prove" I was a liar and full of spite
feeling fat & therefore feeling I was now OBLIGATED to overeat, to match the "new me"
depressed & scared of looming discharge date & eating in a way that I felt would "make my family happy," but being miserable and "giving up on treatment" BECAUSE I was "returning to the E.D.'s home" etc.

4) List the chain of events specific behaviors and environmental events that actually did happen). // Then list new, more skillful behaviors to replace ineffective behaviors.
Use the ABC-EF list as follows:
A= ACTIONS // B= BODY SENSATIONS // C= COGNITIONS/THOUGHTS // E= EVENTS // F=FEELINGS

FIRST= going to self select w/ lots of exchanges on card
SECOND= thinking, "I can't get something easy or simple; that's cheating/ spiteful/ bratty" // Not judging "multiple-exchange" food combos as being "bad" because they're an "easy/lazy" choice= that's a distorted morally wrong!judgment and it's NOT TRUE. Easiness
THIRD= Seeing MANY food choices that I either liked now, liked before, or WANTED to like
FOURTH= felt I HAD to eat ALL of them, or else I would "prove that I didn't REALLY like ANY of them" // I DON'T have to constantly "overprove" my love/ like/ caring; I can STILL not fear a food even if I don't choose it!
FIFTH= felt that "refusing" such "proofs of forgiveness & healing" nullified ALL my alleged "healing progress" // I can't take every option at once. THAT'S FINE. Making ONE choice DOESN'T DESTROY THE OTHERS.
SIXTH= couldn't get all of it as it'd go over exchanges= disobedience, blatant rulebreaking, spite, malevolence // False assumption that I WOULD act out of malice/spite if I made one little mistake= "all or nothing" good/bad distortion
SEVENTH= terrified of disappointing/ angering staff & team by messing up timing/ portions/ exchanges // When you feel THAT scared of "screwing up," ASK FOR HELP/ TELL SOMEONE! Don't let the distortions snowball in isolation!
EIGHTH= felt overwhelmed & didn't know how to make the "right choice" by myself anymore // I WASN'T making MY OWN CHOICE-- I felt compelled to obey old distorted obligations, EVEN if they made me MISERABLE. (DON'T entertain thoughts that make you feel so bad-- EVEN if you feel you "HAVE TO." STOP and ask: "WHY do I have to?" And KEEP QUESTIONING THE RESPONSES until ALL the distortions crumble ---) (THIS HAS WORKED 100% IN THE PAST. Remember ---) [??? page bottom cut off]
NINTH= gave up trying and chose as much food as possible, stretching exchanges as much as possible // DON'T EVER GIVE UP; that's not you!! Also, you DON'T NEED TO ALWAYS "go the extra mile" or "push limits"-- those AREN'T "inherently good" behaviors!!! (In fact, they made past trauma WORSE. BUT that's possibly also why you also fear you HAVE to act that way even now.)
TENTH= added as much "extra" food as I could without betraying my guilt, via suspicion // If it makes you feel SO disgusting/ guilty, STOP! Don't force yourself to "stay miserable" just because you felt it!
ELEVENTH= told myself, "it doesn't matter if you suffer, as long as you are helping/ satisfying as many people as possible" // A DISTORTION, but the OLDEST AND STRONGEST one. It's STILL DISTORTED. When you suffer in CONSCIENCE like this, it's a sign to STOP-- you're no longer being yourself!!!
TWELFTH= needed mayo for fat exchange; convinced self I could pass 4 off as 2 and then take 8 with "+2 leeway" // Yes, I like mayo. That's not a sin. Forcing myself to eat more than I even want is NOT going to change that "sin" fear; just worsen it.
THIRTEENTH= thought, "team judges my healing progress by my weight; this will make me fatter, therefore they'll be happy with me." // NOT TRUE; the weight gain is a RESULT OF PROPER NUTRITION and NOT RESTRICTING/ PURGING. It's NOT about "becoming 'fat'"!
FOURTEENTH= thought the same thing about my family, BUT tied to childhood abuse-- terror took over and I "gave up" // YOU ARE NOT AN ABUSER, EVEN IF YOUR BODY LOOKS LIKE THEIRS. YOU ARE STILL GOOD!!!
FIFTEENTH= sat far away from Sara because I was ashamed & didn't want to disappoint everyone by showing how "bad I really was" // I WANTED her to notice & call me out-- I was ashamed & DESPERATELY SCARED/ NEEDING HELP but too ashamed to ask! Next time, man up & DO SO!!! Be true to YOU!!! Take courage and CHALLENGE those "not you" behaviors when you realize they are happening!! It's really tough but SO ARE YOU. FIGHT TO WIN.
SIXTEENTH= thought, "there's no such thing as 'getting better' because this is my life now = I'm fated to be fat & slutty" // Tied to 14= YOU ARE NOT LIKE THE ABUSER. Even if you are fat, you STILL HAVE A GOOD HEART, AND you WILL "get better" if only you REMEMBER THAT!
SEVENTEENTH= still ate 100% as fast as "politely possible" to desperately show I could still at least do "what really mattered" // That's binge behavior!! And yes, HERE you have to eat 100% even if it hurts, and you HAVE to eat fast even if makes you dissociate. BUT YOU'RE LEARNING. On your own, you CAN eat smaller meals, more often, and therefore NOT RUSH OR BINGE! But in treatment, 45m 100% works in THIS context. JUST DON'T "TWIST" THAT into the wrong context! [??? page bottom cut off]

5) What exactly were the consequences in the environment?
(Lots of distorted thoughts here but I wanted to record exactly where my mind went with this!)
good= showed fellow patients that these foods CAN be eaten w/o fear; they CAN be free of anxiety over them
bad= Staff doesn't trust me anymore

And in myself?
- not knowing who I am anymore
- feeling that I could only "prove I was good & loving" by being "good & loving" to food because other people are scared of it but it's innocent and that's not fair to hate it; I wanted to prove that it was all still deserving of love and wanted to heal ALL of it right now

What harm did my problem behavior cause?
loss of trust
loss of privileges
convinced that this event PROVED that the past 8 weeks were "not real"
realized that even though team said "gaining weight and eating 100%" is real progress/healing, my efforts TO do that even extra, to "impress them" with my "dedication to doing as I was told" even if I was terrified, only made me shut off my ability to care at ALL, because I STILL did everything I was supposed to and STILL TOTALLY MESSED EVERYTHING UP & DISAPPOINTED PEOPLE.

6)Prevention plans:
Ways to reduce my
vulnerability in the future:
 Be vigilant about my thought processes! (I need to remember that not doing 1000% of everything all the time doesn't mean I'm lying about caring. I am ALLOWED to think for myself; and making "easy" &/or "simple" choices is NOT "brazenly spiteful" or "morally lax.")
 Stop trying to be a people-pleasing hyperperfectionist, and CALM DOWN. Anxiety = dissociation = lapses!!

Ways to prevent precipitating event from happening again:
Don't do it alone. (the panacea, really.) You have D.I.D. for heaven's sake; WORK TOGETHER!!! Take a 5m break, breathe, go inside where you can BE YOU, and TALK IT OUT! But do stick to that time limit (you can, and HAVE), and whatever Laurie says DO IT. ♥ The past 9 years have proved her good judgment! Most importantly, STAY TRUE TO YOU, whatever that takes. Don't "perform" or try to be "what other people (allegedly) want/ expect you to be." It only causes problems like this one!!

7) Plans to repair, correct, and overcorrect the harm:
R= fully admit my foolishness to staff (we did talk about this; also this sheet)
C= LEARN why I did it // how to correct/ transmute those thoughts // be EXTRA VIGILANT in future situations like this one-- write down reminders & carry them with you if you must!! (PREVENT MEMORY LAPSE)
O= Practice CHALLENGING those compulsions-- next time, don't get ANY mayo, just to prove THAT'S OK!!! You can STILL like it-- AND THAT'S ALLOWED, TOO, even if others hate it!-- even if you don't eat it all the time! (fear of ingratitude/ selfish uncaring) You DON'T have to CONSTANTLY "PROVE" THAT YOUR GOOD FEELINGS ARE REAL. It is OK to like things! You DON'T have to eat EVERYTHING you ------ hate/fear them, OR --- [??? page bottom cut off]



prismaticbleed: (Default)

(no dates listed; range from may 12th to june 17th??)

--------------------------------------------------

biblical meaning of bronze?
sacrificial meal? OT

p61 refs

page 668+ CHERUBIM

★ISAIAH 41 (HOPE!!)

isaiah 47:2-3, 8-13 // 8:22

jeremiah 14:7-10, 11-16!
1 Chronicles: 28:3, 6-10?
★Deuteronomy 7:15-26! (esp.22)

WISDOM
★DEUTERONOMY 8

why did semitic peoples worship calves?

--------------------------------------------------

(june? last page in back)

"cute gross" concept? (japanese artists)
"candygore," sparkly body substances (vomit, mucus, etc.),
★ turning the "gross" into something "beautiful?"promotes acceptance of those things normally, instead of denial/condemnation!!

--------------------------------------------------

♫"good, good, good to be alive right about now."♫

(look up history of Syria?)
"In Syria one can literally learn the history of the world"

★DAMASCUS!! (oasis, EDEN)
★ "new ways destroy old virtues"
★ "the eye also feasts"

"But how can I complain?
I have chosen to go alone of my own free will.
That is the challenge, and I must meet it."
-Naomi Uemura

"It is useless to dwell on the mishaps that delayed me, and perhaps prevented me from arriving first. I have done my best in my own way, as I am sure they have done in theirs.
To resent their success would be unworthy. Instead, I feel gratitude for having come safely so far. May the rest go as safely."


★ "Above all, I think of my wife, Kimiko, in Japan, and the thought brings both longing and regret. Because of such expeditions as this, I have never given her a normal married life. Instead, I have left her at home with her constant fears for my safety and have done exactly what I wished to do.
Perhaps she and all those whose thoughts and blessings traveled with me over the long days will take pride in an expedition that would surely have failed without them.
If so, what a happy person I am!"
-Naomi Uemura, the first man to reach the North Pole alone

--------------------------------------------------

I think I need a girlfriend,
AND
in time
a "boyfriend."
who loves God first.
this needs to heal.

hope never dies.
no good thing ever can.

^ This stuff ONLY becomes a "need" in the absence of INNER SUPPORT and the absence of PRAYER.

--------------------------------------------------

"Druzes are dangerous because they do not fear death.
Every man believes that when he dies he will be instantly reborn as an infant."

★BEDOUINS

"Why did God give us eyes?
To look upon beauty wherever it may be!
(All thanks to God!)"

-kibbe
-Malula
-PALMYRA

★Tall al Masiyah
(TOMB OF JESUS tradition??)

★"the order of Saint Lazarus"

"Perhaps only 1/3 of all Syrian Muslims perform their religious duties.
But the rest feel guilt.
And I can assure you, for I am one of them, that all of them remain Muslims in their hearts."
-Muhammad Kuteifan

"without the alphabet, nobody would ever have gone to the moon."

"an audibilization of power"

"over the inevitable cups of coffee"

"beneath the iron caress"

(arab tea) "burning hot and piercingly sweet"


"I saw Quneitra on an overcast day with gunmetal clouds scudding low above the ruins.
Walking through the detritus struck me as a foretaste of the day after the end of the world.
Not a single birdsong disturbed the gray, final silence."

★"Even among the ruins, hope grows. Did you notice those flowers outside in the shell casings-- blossoms springing from the implements of war?
Just so, we… must be optimistic. Mustn't we?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


-Think of Mary as a mother, primarily, and just what that means.
(biologically BOUND to Christ as well; literally no one closer to Him; her body made a body for God FROM ITSELF)

«consecrating senses to Mary= to use them for/AS her?? She is our Mediatrix; such consecration allows Her to channel the Holy Spirit's graces INTO all of ourselves, as He did for Her, so that Christ may be "born again in/ through/ "as" us" as He was through Her-- as she is the fountain of God's grace TO humanity, the bestower of God/ Christ's living water to us on earth, as Christ ("touch me not") is now in heaven for the sake of faith/ hope/ graces Christ sent us the Spirit, BUT the Spirit touched humanity through Mary more completely & intimately than anytime else, ever-- as that touch became the Son's conception, the Spirit BECAME ONE WITH HER in order to "beget" the Divine Child-- who was BOTH GOD AND MAN in true wholeness! So, to imitate her perfect love/ obedience, we MUST go TO her, and unite ourselves WITH her!

★Luke 6:24-26!!!

luke 9:58
luke 12:1-3? // 49-52? | luke 13:20-1

matthew 12:33+
★ luke 14: 15-35

mark 5: 15-17
luke 8: 35-39

★ john 15: 18-27
& 16:1-33

--------------------------------------

★ My dreams are SIGNPOSTS pointing to things in my SUBCONSCIOUS that are NOT FULLY/PROPERLY HEALED (YET).

- Things I still dream about, upsettingly, and therefore STILL have an inner inclination to do=

★ bingeing on dessert food
★ "chew-bingeing"
★ stealing food

--------------------------------------

XANGA?
or, "mimic" it?
SOLVE PROBLEMS (W/ GOD)

NOT THE OLD KIND; BE CAREFUL.

★focus on PRODUCTIVE thoughts
★don't overthink the small things

--------------------------------------

LIGHT= knowledge, comprehension, "en-lightening," understanding, seeing, luck, fortuity, revealing secrets, "getting" it, attention, focus, guidance, education, wisdom, prudence
- pride, perfectionism, self-importance, fear of unknown/mystery

TIME= history, music, patience, acceptance of "fate," impermanence, death/"decay," "father" issues? punctuality? "in the nick of time," "time waits for no man," "time heals all wounds" maybe?? clocks; mortality, linearity; photography ("moments"); finality, loss? relationship issues? (sexual promiscuity risk?) technology, mechanics
"this too shall pass"; evolution? organization/systems; detached?

★"now" moment? the TRUTH of time!!
COMPLEMENTS SPACE!!! they are BOTH required!
★"nothing ever really ends" (ETERNITY)

★time & bread??? livelihood, "money" slang
VALUE OF TIME ("spend it wisely")

★LANGUAGE (idioms, terms, etc.)

tradition, age, events, continuity, "irreversibility"? measurable quantity
intervals, moments, duration, RELATIVITY? clocks (NUMERICAL SYSTEM)
present/past/future; "occasions assoc. w/ certain experiences"
eras & periods in history, «opportune moments
a musical meter; fixed & customary moments/periods; rate of speed; a period in prison; period of work/pay received; installments of pay; schedule; set to operate at a certain moment; pace & duration; promptness
★movements in proper sequence
(GAUDIOR)

★"TIMELESS" spaces?? (the arctic, desert, "liminal" spaces, early morning?)

★"TIME" AS IT EXISTS IN NATURE; NO CLOCKS!!!

"chromo" vs "chrono";
TIME AND COLOR!!! (on space's blank canvas!!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


solfege, cantata, serenata

patagium
piaster

Stuff I need:
✔★PAINTED SHIRTS!
✔★new bag of floss picks (dollar store)
✔★Polish religious posters
★Mewtwo plush and/or Celebi plush
★Red ribbon journal? (for food descrips)
★Overjackets
★lap harp??? is it allowed?

MAKE a folder

GO OUTSIDE + MOVE MORE

------------------------------------------------

★tech can be USED FOR good or evil;
inherently it is a tool,



★TREATING/ PREVENTING ADDICTION
→what needs are unmet? how to healthily meet them &/or decrease/ permanently heal that "lack" feeling?

"tech junk food;" (sugar/salt/fat) feeds "carnal wants" (instinctive?)
^ "brain drain" cereal (+"empty calories")

(ETHICAL DESIGN) = concrete spacetime benefits, NOT sheer attention/ time eating for profit; MANIPULATION

★PROPER integration of tech/ online "life" w/ "reality,"
^(research "augmented reality")
w/o disconnection from self-awareness IN EACH; fluidity
(automation vs "real people")
"do not use (this tech) without (WISELY conscious) intention" = no time wasting

NO PAVLOV TACTICS
"hardwired social reciprocity"
"variable rewards" = habits

tech should allow us to=
-set boundaries
-disengage w/o anxiety
-see where time goes
-not be slaves of impulse
-make informed decisions
-determine "what's important"
("was spending that much time on _____ worthwhile? why or why not?" decrease impulsivity)
-meet goals
-see how actions impact others
-grow as people/ in productivity
-discipline will
-slow down & be deliberate
-encourage mindfulness, patience, conscious choice, focus, MEDITATION (TAKE BREAKS)

★hokthai= "benevolent tech?" have phone/pc functions but can personally prevent "thought outsourcing" & addiction via "interpersonal connection" being inherent to them?

prob= "simulated social interaction" w/ reward response tactics, "rewardable behavior" and persona-maintenance??
(social media NOT BAD, just broken!)
★psychology & tech= warnings on what behavior is required by app/tech? logs of feelings/ thoughts elicited, encourage reflection on, ask "WHY" ("met" which needs?)
(+manip. by colors, sounds, etc.; psychological puppetstrings) ("hijacking")
«ask whether tech is improving our lives/, NOT "delightful/ convenient/ etc." focus; "is it making our lives worse/ wasting our time"
what REALLY matters? "if you died tonight…"

responsibility, AGENCY

★"hippocratic oath" for software designers; NO EXPLOITATION OF VULNERABILITY; tech as medicine? not "self-medicating," so to speak

★"an all-or-nothing choice is a design failure"
(entirely connect (prompts, etc.) or entirely disconnect)

★tech that doesn't replace human thought/ effort but augments it
- "tracking of daily minutiae" w/o disconnecting from the reality of it; "big picture"
★positive data collection
FEEDBACK!

"when it comes to new tech, incomplete understanding is empowering"
(divining cognitive labor)
(cooperation/collabs = no sharp boundary btwn one person's ideas/ knowledge & those of others in group)

"strong feelings about issues do not emerge from deep understanding"
- a community of knowledge can become dangerous w/ confirmation bias
NEED HUMILITY
★be honest about the blind spots in your knowledge & understanding

------------------------------------------------

"he was… very simple. everybody would be equal."

"robbing/ disarming/ killing a cop-- these were highly regarded feats in criminal circles"

- catholic relief in venezuela

------------------------------------------------

heb: 7-9

ROMANS 14:13

------------------------------------------------

¯
baby dee
the internet

musical = come from away
joan of arc
kid victory
oslo
the outer space
dear evan hansen

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW"
(if you don't fly, you'll never grow)
=
fear of failure due to perfectionism stops the progress towards growth/ wholeness

★HUMILITY/PATIENCE★
glow & guide, don't blind
♥LOVE IS KEY!♥

(I love the letter to the Romans)

jumping to conclusions = skipping the factual "inbetween;" the checklist of truth that determines the REAL conclusion
★ASK QUESTIONS!
★RECOGNIZE YOUR EMOTIONS! "I feel," etc.

You will never know everything. Only God can, as He IS the TRUE LIGHT. Be humble… don't be a Lucifer.
You are not the "sun." But through the Son, you can witness TO the Light.^ Wear His emblem as His loving servant.
JOHN 1:1-9!!!

★p93-94 in Magnificat relevant to yesterday's crisis plan: "The voice of God IS THERE AMID THE NOISE" "(literal!) mountaintop not required"
- relevant to MUSIC: the silence is the canvas upon which it is painted; it is behind every note, enriching yet untouched by each one
- "He CALLS US ALWAYS"; ironically (irenically) His Call IS that inherent silence that allows us to truly "hear." (with hear-t) It's a beautiful 'paradox.'

★EVERYTHING good & beautiful in this world is but a reflection of the beauty & goodness of God-- and a dim, paltry one at that!
So don't be so happy at the gift that you forget to be joyful with the Giver. And, don't fret in limitation or lack or disappointment or disillusionment-- all of that is from a LACK OF FAITH. Anchor yourself to Him. Let Him be your ONLY joy, your only comfort, consolation, gain, and goal… for He is ALL THAT IS, and He CANNOT disappoint, and in Him you WILL be satisfied, you WILL be cheered and comforted, you WILL find rest for your soul. He is your impenetrable fortress, your bulwark against every storm, your safest shelter, your warmest home. He can't NOT be. So do not be afraid, but trust Him. Christ alone is gain. He is the foundation and Source of all beauty, sweetness, and delight. He is the TRUE Bread, of TRUE Life. Seek Him first, in all things and above all things. He will take care of you. Keep your eyes full of His light, and your heart, too. Heaven is the goal. Keep walking!

★GOD is finest wheat, living water, honey from the rock, milk for our growing faith, salt for the earth, the Paschal lamb, etc.
THE "SATISFACTION" YOU SEEK THROUGH THOSE FOODS IS NOT IN THOSE FOODS!! ONLY CHRIST SATISFIES!!!
Your body is fed but your heart is hungry because you aren't eating in FAITH.
Be His lamb, His child. Eat FOR His glory. If something cannot be done with love & faith & PEACE-- if something carries doubt, or discomfort, or fear, or any other untrusting tremulous vice-- THEN DON'T DO IT!!
(Think of what your grandma would say, too!)

AND ALWAYS ASK, "IS THIS ACTION PRUDENT/OBEDIENT?"
"Is this action a "luxury" or unnecessary waste? CAN I do this action without second-guessing whether or not it's "good" for myself AND others?"

★BE GRATEFUL FOR OTHERS! Heartfully meditate on this; it's deep.

- james parker (the atlantic) writing style

Heb:5 / 1 Tim:4
Gal 2:14-21 (saved by faith)
1 Cor 10:25-33 (eating & conscience)
Romans 7:7-25 (law & sin)
Romans 13:1-10 (obey authority)
★Romans 14 (clean eating, no stumbling)
1 Cor 3:16 (God's temple)
1 Cor 6:12-15 (edifying)
Matt 6:25-26 (don't worry about food)
Num 12:6 (prophets vs Moses)
Deut 4:29-31 (seek God's mercy)
Deut:8 (prosperity)
★Lev 17:10-16 (blood=life) VS Luke 24:39 (BONE)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel really sick

lots of noise

bad radio talk

dissociating,

nightmares about family

scared to go "home"



there's a lot of things.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

★distortions=

1) OVERGENERALIZATION (never/always)
2) DISCARDING POSITIVES (ignoring good aspects)
3) CATASTROPHIZING (expect worst, act helpless)
4) ALL OR NOTHING (b/w judgments) (absolutes)
5) JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS (proofless negative judgments) (mind reading, misfortune-telling)
6) SHOULD/SHOULDN'T (behavior policing, moral condemnation)

★lessen these behaviors step by solid step! ♥

★FACT CHECKING!! (remember, GOD is TRUTH!!)
(TALK IT OUT WITH THE CENTRALITES!! ♥)

★FOCUS ONLY ON WHAT IS GOOD!
distortions should be released & learned from, NOT dwelled upon! remember= PREDISPOSE to LOVE!! be realistic, BUT keep your eyes FIXED on GOD in ALL!!
★literally journal your blessings!! ♥
focus on hope & capability & courage!

WISDOM

★24/7 MINDFULNESS!!! ♥
★learn to identify the KEY POINTS when you most need to be mindful!!

("KARUNA! ATTENTION!")
+visual reminders^ TO randomly bring you back into awareness-- pictures, quotes, figures, stickers, symbols, words, etc.!! ♥

★PICTURE OF SELF AS A CHILD?
remind self now to take care of your self now like you'd care for your self then!! promotes TRUE ACCEPTANCE & UNCONDITIONAL LOVE; see the REAL YOU!!! ♥


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


★identifying "falsely supported beliefs" =
would they apply to anyone else, OR just me??
IF it's "only me," it's DISTORTED!!!
(then you can interrogate it until it unravels, & you're finally free of its shackles!)

★XANGAS HELP BEAUTIFULLY WITH THIS PROCESS.
(Laurie is a LOT wiser than I am!!) ♥

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



miss you

Jun. 7th, 2017 05:52 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


SESSION PARTICIPANTS
  LAURIE UBERICH  JAY IRIDOS



Laurie, we need to talk.

I know, kid. I know. ...Thanks for reaching out to me like this. It means the world to me, really.
Also, why the heck are you talking in red? That's Javier's color, dude. Get your own bloody pen.


How's silver? Also, that "dude" felt really unstable for you.

You're rubbing off on me; who bloody knows.
But you gotta expect some mistranslation and delay-mixups here, kid. It's been a heck of a long time.

Too long, I want to say, but you know how God works.

Yeah, no kidding.

Perfect timing, even if it may not seem that way whatsoever when you're caught up in the storms and shadows of it.

...It says a lot that that's me and Infi, y'know.
Even the hard times love ya, kid.
...Guess that's the point you were trying to make, huh.


...at heart, yeah. same with the time thing.
...and the deep waters.


And rainbows, for extra reason lately, so I've heard.
...Sorry. I shouldn't be pushing that issue so casually. But for heavens sakes, it's
important. If there really is genuine love glowing there, which I genuinely suspect it is-- then holy swords, Jay; that's HUGE.
Pun 100% intended, but seriously.
Don't you dare deny or dampen or run from that, kid. Please. You know how I feel about this.


...I do. I really do. Love is... it's our reason for existing, at the absolute heart of things. Especially mine, no matter how scared I may be of the past sometimes.

Leave that nightmare behind, kid. It's over, and God willing, I will put my very life on the line to keep it that way.

...I know, and I love you, too, just as much, with my whole heart.

...My point exactly, kid.
Now I really hate to change this subject, but why exactly did you call me in here tonight?
I know it's about that letter, but I've only got secondary awareness and besides-- I want
your specifics. Talk to me.

...all right. let's just put it all out, for sincerity's sake.
So I just got a letter in the mail from grandma, but it ALSO included a note from viral, AND it was signed by Diamond & Lightning, too. And that's rare enough, but...
...everyone's handwriting looked so
heartbroken.
grandma was misspelling things and her words looked all shaky and sad. viral, too, but far less so.
and... Lightning, of
all people, wrote "miss you."
...
but grandma's words broke my heart.
Laurie, forgive my language, but I need this verbal punch-- I don't give a
damn how "scared" part of us is to go back home. Like you said, that fear is rooted in the PAST, and we are NEVER going to let that repeat itself.
I will put MY life on the line, too, for love-- because PERFECT LOVE DRIVES OUT FEAR. and isn't
that a shot to the heart-- but that's the point.
I'm only alive-- WE'RE only alive-- because of love. Because we ARE love.
And I want to crush that family-fear WITH love, because right now, I'd walk through hell itself to do so.


We've done it before. Key word being "we."
That's the thing "you" were missing with the E.D., kid. Love and unity on BOTH sides of the board.


which is why I feel so safe & happy here 99% of the time. there's a LOT of love & unity here.

Betcha it's waiting for you back home, too.
I mean, you'll always have it in here with us, but... maybe that's the key, too.
You.
Maybe you're a much brighter light than you realize, or want to admit.
God works in mysterious ways, kid.
And I am dead serious when I say that He is undoubtedly working through you.
And you wanna know why?
Because you
love, Jay.
Because you love God, and let Him shine through you. Because you love everything He created, fiercely and honestly. Because when you see something or someone
unloved, you challenge that void with everything you are-- you look for the light in them, for the light of God in them, and you find it. Without exception. And you can't help but love them-- everything-- with every prismatic fiber of your being in return. It's your nature. It's your heart.
Do you have any bloody idea how that
affects people, kid?
Look at me.
Look at Chaos Zero.
Look at
Julie, for God's literal sake.
Don't you dare ignore all of that light.
If it's too bright to bear, get your eyes fixed.
Open your heart, kid. Everything's gonna be all right.

That is literally the deepest thing I can say about this.
Keep on loving with everything you are, kid. Please.
It is literally what is keeping all of us alive.



prismaticbleed: (aflame)

ollieirrepressible:

love triumphs over all.






…This is one of those pictures that, literally, leaves me at a total loss for words, because what I’m feeling is too deep to translate into spoken language.

 

But that’s what this very image is about, after all.

 

 

…Honestly, though, let me try to say something. It’s worth the effort.

The five of us– Jay Iridos (me), Chaos Zero, Infinitii Eternos, Laurie Uberich, and Genesis Apolymis– we’ve really got something going between us. All of us.
We have this heart-deep bond of love that was forged in the depths of suffering and bliss and life and death alike. We’ve been through hell and back together, we’ve bled together, we’ve cried together, and we’ve survived it all together… so that we could laugh together, live together, love together.
“Together” being the absolute key word in all of it.
Every one of our hearts is broken-bound with solid gold and the most amazing aspect of it is that we did that for each other.

With all the attempted System crashes, all the Core upheavals, and all the timeline resets, it is no small miracle that this group has existed in one way or another for at least ten years now.
But that’s what love does.
That’s what we do.
And God knows I am forever grateful for this.

 


060517

Jun. 5th, 2017 10:18 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

So I've pinpointed one of my BIGGEST obstacles to treatment.
I don't know how to be "casual" in my choices in treatment.
If I'm not PERPETUALLY "challenging" myself, I feel like a failure.
If I don't CONSISTENTLY choose the MOST DIFFICULT OPTION, I feel worthless.
Therefore, when I've conquered ALL my "available" challenges…
…I make more.

THAT'S what Team is concerned about: obsessive perfectionism.
It's a lose/lose; I'll NEVER be OK with peace & healing if my addled brain is still scared that such "taking it easy" is WRONG… that not battling demons unendingly means I've BECOME one.
To my current distorted mindset, a lack of "challenge"-- no; a lack of something BAD to actively battle & conquer, "betrays" weakness & "unwillingness to do what's RIGHT." Slacking off. Being lazy. Chickening out. Disappointing GOD by not living up to my full Good potential. By irresponsibility.
If I'm NOT "fighting the Good fight," then I'm saying I don't care if Good loses.
It's SO distorted. It makes me nauseous.
Why does my brain view the PEACE that COMES from VICTORY as a PROBLEM???
BUT every time I do something easy, or comforting, or enjoyable-- EVEN IF said thing WAS once a huge challenge, like all my food-victories here… once it becomes "non-challenging," I feel like a morally corrupt, uncaring, overindulgent, hedonistic, devil-may-care slacker who couldn't give less of a care as to their state of conscience. Once I do the "easy thing," I feel like I'm being PROUD, selfish, lazy… evil. A saint once said that humility, that holiness, lay in always choosing the most difficult option.
What if NONE of the options are a challenge?
What if I'm so full of LOVE that nothing is a struggle anymore?

…Then my damaged brain makes it a struggle again.
It resets progress. It perpetuates challenge.
I HAVE NO FEAR FOODS, but "that's not a challenge," so…
I keep forcing myself to be afraid of foods.
And if THAT'S what's going to keep happening, I will NEVER let myself "be healed" OR "STAY healed." Because that's slacking off.

THAT'S A LIE.

The true challenge, paradoxically, is learning to stop trying so terribly hard to win a war that's NOT EVEN REAL.

And THAT'S the DEEPER huge problematic root to this compulsion: to me, to my poor distortion-plagued mind, the very CORE QUALITY of a challenge is that it has to HURT. It has to be a STRUGGLE. And on the flipside of that lurks the corrupted core belief that, if I like something… that's wrong.
WHY???
I freak out at EVERY snacktime because, by my loving nature, ALL the options are enjoyable; ALL the options are pain-free.
My challenge-obsessed mind sees that as a PROBLEM.
We're SUPPOSED to "challenge distorted behaviors," right?
Well, what if, at the heart of me, I don't have any??
If I am SO ultimately determined & indomitably willing to LOVE EVERYTHING & EVERYONE, myself included
well.
Then I'm at odds with my own mind.
Then I have to PUT OBSTACLES IN MY OWN WAY, just to "prove" to others that I CAN overcome them.
But. And this is the REAL problem:
If I would ENJOY the challenge, if it would "feel good,"
then it's NOT an option.
"Challenges have to HURT," remember.
So I'd feel that refusing happiness was a "VICTORY" because it would mean that I SUFFERED in the refusal… but "I made it through."
Therefore, I "challenged myself."

It's all a disgustingly distorted mess.

I need to eliminate the word "challenge" from my vocabulary at this point.



…And I need to heal my view of "progress," too.


-The REAL "challenge" is FEARLESSLY LOVING EVERYTHING in joyful courageous victory OVER this mindset, AND regardless of what other people REFUSE to love-- CHALLENGE THAT!!!


prismaticbleed: (drained)



CBT 061717

3-Step thought records! (situation/ thought/ feeling/ rating)

★ write down thoughts = KEEP TRACK & STAY COHERENT = once written, they leave your head
★ pinpoint "what thought STARTED all of this?"
★ allows for thought-by-thought discretion: CHALLENGE them; distorted or True?
★ if DISTORTED, do the 5-step TRANSMUTE/HEAL process

DISTORTION = falsehood assumed to be truth; BODY IMAGE especially here = "FUNHOUSE MIRROR"
- assumptions based on negativity being viewed as "facts"
★ FEEL AWFUL; perpetuate vice, block virtues
★COMMUNICATION/ COMPASSION CONQUER THEM!!

★DISTORTIONS★
1) ALL OR NOTHING (no grey)
2) OVERGENERALIZATION (pattern)
3) MENTAL FILTER (dark glasses)
4) DISCOUNTING POSITIVE (no worth to)
5) JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
6) CATASTROPHIZING (worst end)
7) SHOULD/SHOULDN'T (obligation)

★LOTS OF "PERFECTIONISM" ROOTS: PRIDE, FEAR, DESPAIR, SELFCONSCIOUS
★VIRTUES CONQUER THEM ALL! LOVE, FORGIVENESS, HOPE, JOY! +


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DBT 061617

RATIONAL MIND = Decisions based on FACTS, not FEELINGS!!!
★judges, lawyers, etc.

WISE MIND = considers BOTH minds!!

★emotional mind's biggest gift is EMPATHY! wise mind gives it PRUDENCE!!

"HOW" SKILLS: being mindful in a crisis

1) non-judgmental
- if we don't have the big picture, we tend to ASSUME?
- can be POSITIVE or NEGATIVE = labels; not always true!
- AS FACTUAL AS POSSIBLE! "same conclusion from different people" (describing a chair)

2) be one-mindfully
- focus on ONE THING at a time IN THE MOMENT!
- vigilance for YOUR sake AND others!

3) effectiveness
- what works for ME? POSITIVELY/ HEALTHILY!!

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DON'T THINK DISTORTEDLY!!!

Problem: scared of going home // horribly depressed at home

1) specific reasons WHY the problem exists

- scared of cramped, cluttered, dark environment
- no space to "call my own"
- lots of noise and virtually impossible to find quiet
- minimal access to safe coping skills/ activities
- feeling trapped, stagnant, "swept up"
- lots of traumatic-memory triggers, esp. environmental
- hyperfocus OR ostracization from family
- feel hopeless, futureless, aimless, lost
- overwhelmed by family/ church responsibilities
- feel obligated to/ dependent on serving family
- I'm just miserable there for some reason
- prone to E.D. & S.A. behaviors as a result
- unable to express myself genuinely w/o threat, danger
- high-stress, anxious, angry, noisy environment


2) possible solutions

- MOVE OUT
- isolate self outdoors? (impractical)
- spend less time AT home: travel (need $$ though, AND places to sleep/ work creatively)
- go back to school & dorm? (need $$)
- make friends & stay with them?
★ stay with dad instead/ temporarily?
- look into shelters & such
★ TELL FAM WHY I'M UPSET SO WE CAN ALL WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE A NEW, HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT!!!


★would you STILL be scared if, theoretically, the family had "moved into a different house?"

· NO = no environmental trauma triggers, possible own room/ open space/ light, NO CLUTTER, NO HOARDS

· YES = still living w/ anxious & noisy & angry people, and that seems to be the main factor?
BUT!!
-grandma would be MUCH HAPPIER in a clean house
- my bros would be MUCH HAPPIER with their own spaces & privacy
- viral would probably also benefit greatly from "non-trauma" environment



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RECOVERY PLANNING 061517

RECOVERY PLANNING = TIME MANAGEMENT!

★recovery is INTERNAL & EXTERNAL! and CONTINUAL!

★EXPECT SLIPS; but get back up & continue even stronger than before!

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TIME= not too busy OR too bored, so to speak!

★LEARN TO SAY "NO" when a "yes" would be unhealthy AT THAT TIME!!

★PRIORITIZING: wants vs NEEDS!
"what is TRULY important in my life?"

★needs = SURVIVAL; health of body, mind, AND soul
- food, rest, hygiene, shelter, etc.
- emotional stability, mental healthy, relapse prevention, etc.
- career, finances, education, etc.

★REALISTIC to-do lists; tangible goals, sense of accomplishment/ progress
★DELEGATION: let others help you! ★HUMILITY/ LOVE/ APPRECIATION
★you CAN'T do EVERYTHING; sometimes to properly meet NEEDS, you HAVE to let others do some of the things you feel YOU must do

★FREE TIME/ EXTRA TIME: reduce stress & just be!!
★REMEMBER CHRISTMAS 2013!! ♥ THAT'S good freetime use!

★HEALTHY stress relief: you're ALLOWED to take time to do those things!! ♥
★fit prudently INTO schedule!!

~KNOW THYSELF!~

"Do the MOST with your time in the HEALTHIEST way!!"

★OVERCOME PROCRASTINATION = if it needs to be done, DO IT!


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061317

SELF ESTEEM ★humility + compassion + hope + courage

("whether you believe you can or cannot… you're right!")

★SELF ESTEEM IS NOT "PRIDE!"

★don't discount the positives-- THEY are what's REAL!

★SELF = INTERNAL

"you are NOT what happened to you/ what you struggle with"

1) ALL have infinite/eternal worth as people
2) ALL are equally worthy of value, despite differences


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061217 DBT Distraction

★burning coal analogy = pick it up barehanded, or with gloves!
- the GLOVES are distraction techniques!
- the COAL is a distressing situation!
★YOUR "prove I'm strong" instinct is to do it BAREHANDED.
but remember-- sure, you can, but it WILL BURN.
so take that into account, dude.
if you can't handle the pain, don't risk it, please.
if you're already covered in burns, don't make it worse.

★"A.C.C.E.P.T.S."


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061117 DBT emotion regulation

emotions = try not to LABEL; it's how you USE/ MANAGE them!
(think of the Spectrum!)

★ emotional "numbness" = VERY PROBLEMATIC!!
★ emotions "triggered" by CONTEXT/ ENVIRONMENT

★ emotional vulnerability is VITAL to REALLY LIVE
but you also have to be PRUDENT.
vulnerability is only scary if it's tied to helplessness.
but vulnerability can also be a HUGE boon to STRENGTH!!!

HEALTHY CATHARSIS!!!
find outputs for emotions that you "don't know how" to express verbally, or that you can't handle safely w/o overwhelm?

ANGER= exercise, sports, sparring?
- physically "spend" the anger as fuel

SADNESS= sad movies w/ HAPPY ENDINGS
- express it, "safe crying," then SOOTHE

ANXIETY= short term "it's OK" reassurances? "not as scary as it seems"

MANIA=

CONFUSION=

DESPAIR= Scripture, Laurie quotes

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061117 "COPING WITH FEELINGS AND MOODS" WORKBOOK

EXPRESSING POSITIVE FEELINGS

is a slight problem in my life.

Describe the reason for this answer:
- I feel ashamed/guilty of being positive when someone else is suffering; feels ignorant?
- I feel like my positivity is fake, put-on, foolish, or "manipulative"
- I feel my levels of positivity expression are socially/ situationally inappropriate or unwise


Positive feelings that are the easiest for me to express include:
- Gratitude, appreciation
- Peace, harmony
- Hope, courage

Positive feels that are the most difficult for me to express include:
- Love, affection
- Joy, excitement, interest, enjoyment
- Support, concern, inspiration, motivation, care


BOREDOM
is a "slight problem" in my life.

Describe the reason for this answer:
- I feel too tired, sad, mentally exhausted to restart most of my creative work
- Feeling "not allowed" to take time for myself/ my interests due to other responsibilities/ caretaking

I enjoy the following hobbies or activities:
- going outside & literally just wandering around
- building things/ putting things together? "ARTISTIC" construction
- playing music skillfully but w/o an audience or performance criteria
- researching things I find interesting & creatively building upon them

As a result of my addiction, I gave up these activities:
- playing/composing music, reading, researching, studying language, writing, journaling, exploring, jogging, going to choral concerts, going to school, playing good video games, watching good movies, traveling, going places socially but safely, Scripture study, volunteering, working out, painting, color studies & design, working w/ dad, cleaning/organizing, finding new music

Of this list, I miss the following activities the most:
- TRAVEL, research & creative-building

New activities or interests that I could get involved with include:
- learning to play cello & harp & drums
- hands on, practical work? like construction or a trade
- robotics? biology? chemistry? physics? LANGUAGE? "structural" studies
- skateboarding? parkour? "free" movement feeling. (Dance??) (SPORTS?)

Are you bored with recovery? If so, explain why:
- I feel stagnant and stuck, like no matter how many obligatory "behavior goals" I meet, deep down I'm still not recovered somewhere important.

What excites me and makes me feel passionate or feel good about my life is:
- MOVEMENT; LEARNING/STUDY
- Anything to do with STRUCTURE?
- Going outside, seeing new things
- helping others w/o being shackled to repetition/stagnancy?

My goal in relation to my boredom is:
- to not feel guilty/ ashamed/ angry about wanting to do truly nice enjoyable things
- to not feel guilty/ ashamed about being my OWN person with my OWN interests
- to schedule these good things SOLIDLY into my DAILY routing and STICK TO 'EM

Steps I will take to reach this goal are:
- listing things I enjoy/ want to learn & drafting a tentative "schedule" for them, PRUDENTLY
- trying, however briefly, one new thing every day-- even if just researching a new thing, walking somewhere new, trying a new food, etc.
★ACCOMPLISHABLE WITHIN A DAY WITHOUT PILING UP!!! "done and done"

Potential benefits of reaching my goal are:
- a richer, happier, freer, brighter, fuller, more joyous & alive life experience
- the ability to DO more; to feel more "a part of" the world and its people & THEIR lives




DEPRESSION
is a "serious problem" in my life.

Depression has affected my life in the following ways:
- not caring about treatment anymore, lack of motivation, future feels empty & stagnant

I am currently depressed because:
- I'm not letting myself BE myself; I'm so scared of going "home" that I'm letting it drain all the joy out of the present

Do you have a lot of negative, pessimistic, or depressing thoughts? Explain:
- I feel that optimism & "hoping for the best" is childish & stupid? "Look at all the pain in the world-- what maes you think YOU deserve any better??" Feel that peace/ joy/ health is "a sign that I'm not fighting demons anymore" NOT out of victory, but out of MORALLY CORRUPT PRIDE/ SELF-SATISFACTION.

My addiction and my depression are connected in the following ways:
- I DON'T HAVE an eating disorder OR substance addiction UNLESS I'M DEPRESSED. 


FEELING EMPTY
is a moderate problem in my life.

What makes me feel good about myself or feel a sense of purpose and satisfaction is:
- Helping others heal in concrete ways, but STILL being able to help myself heal in the process; doing creative arts (music, painting, writing) that have end results that really touch people's hearts

I feel like I am not using my talents, abilities or creativity. Explain:
- I feel obligated to just "hang around the house" for emotional/social support, and am therefore barred from travel, study, art, & music?

My use of alcohol or other drugs affected my feeling empty or joyless by:
- Taking up ALL my free time & money & attention, robbing me of BOTH my opportunities and ability to be creatively productive, AND of my opportunities/ abilities to honestly, tangibly help other people heal & grow & better their lives

I do feel connected to God or a Higher Power. Explain:
- I do, powerfully so, but I am terrified that He wants me to ONLY cater to others? I want to use my GOD-GIVEN TALENTS to help people grow closer to God, too-- AND to be a LIVING testament to Him in my DAILY LIFE, no matter WHERE OR WHAT I'm doing!! I want to stay in the Church, but ALSO CARRY the Church in my heart!!!

Steps I will take to overcome feelings of emptiness:
- Set short/ medium/ long term goals that are achievable & not overwhelming
- Schedule my days & weeks, INCLUDING "simple things time" to just recharge & relax!!
- Nurture my relationships & community responsibilities PRUDENTLY = no burnout!!

Potential benefits of reaching this goal:
- Not overwhelmed but not empty either!
- Restored sense of progress, purpose, helpfulness, joy, & excitement for daily life



GRIEF
is a moderate problem in my life.

List any losses you believe are contributing to your grief:
- Loss of family connections/interaction
- Loss of friendships-- Jacob, Melody, Braeden, Kinsara, E? Oliver?
- Loss of sense of supportive creative community-- Jimmy, Ben, Dare
- Loss of educational career
- Loss of LIFE/TIME due to trauma/ mental illness
- Loss of past creative works

Describe your grief in relation to losses listed above. Focus on your feelings and thoughts.
- I feel aimless & identity-shaken
- I feel isolated
- I feel "barred" from the possibility of a healthy future in the "real world"
- I feel trapped & scared

Describe how your grief has affected your substance use, physical heath and mental health.
- I turned to the E.D. to fill the "endless empty space" associated w/ lack of future hopes



GUILT AND SHAME
are a severe problem in my life.

Behaviors or actions on my part during my active addiction that I feel guilty about include:
- Stealing money to use on the addiction, wasting food & money, wasting OTHERS' food & money, lying, hiding, cheating, manipulating others, not spending time w/family, not realizing/caring how the addiction affected them, bringing shame & misery onto my family

Of these behaviors, the ones I feel the most guilt about are:
- Stealing
- Lying
- Not spending time with my family
- Skipping/ abandoning community obligations

My addiction changed me in the following ways:
- IT DIDN'T.
All that junk was a TEMPORARY LIE.
I'm just so, so distraught that it happened.

My goal in relation to my feelings of guilt and shame is:
- To not hate myself for the horrible things I did while I was sick, but would NEVER do sober
- To restore, as much as possible, my family's trust/ love/ forgiveness towards me
- To focus on a NEW life AWAY from my foolish past mistakes & poor choices

Steps I will take to reach this goal are:
- Focus on the Good that is STILL IN ME
- Admit flat-out what I did and contritely ask for forgiveness
- Make amends by helping others heal, replacing what I took/ damaged/ destroyed, and PROVING BY MY ACTIONS THAT I AM HEALED!

Potential benefits of reaching my goal are:
- Restored family harmony
- Restored sense of self-respect and hope
- A will to live

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060917

things to do over this special weekend:

- make mix CDs for mom, grandma, the boys, dad, & Jessie! ♥
- GO TO THE MOVIES and EAT CHEESE FRIES w/ GENESIS
- go out to eat w/ grandma & grandpa
- give ALL book boxes back to St. Johns
- ORDER & BUY NEW CLOTHES = reflect your heart!!
- buy ONE "challenge meal"? OR, one "celebratory" meal? (healed!)
- go to ONE restaurant by yourself?

★LOOK UP COOL PLACES IN HERSHEY
★PLAN WHAT TO BACK FOR THE TIME AT CIOCI ANN'S

★SYSTEM PLAYLISTS + CDS
(ALL relevance/ resonance; even old stuff)



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CBT 060717

"PROBLEM SOLVING TREES"

Problem:
Desired outcome:

Step 1) Identify the problem = SPECIFICS!
(behavior, situation, time, etc.)
really get to the ROOT: get as much info as possible!

Step 2) Generate possible solutions = pros/ cons for each
(think creatively?)
don't rule ANYTHING out! they're ALL helpful!

Step 3) Decide on a solution
don't perfectionize! pick one that feels optimal and GIVE IT A SHOT! ♥

Step 4) Evaluate the Outcome = how'd it work?
(ask for feedback if needed?)
be honest but grateful, realistic but bright-eyed

Step 5) Try another solution if #4 didn’t work well!
be like a kid = excited about lessons & possibilities! no matter what, you'll find what WORKS, AND what DOESN'T!


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060517 DBT DISTRESS TOLERANCE

- think of the Spectrum. even the "stressed" parts of us exist for a REASON!
★stress is UNAVOIDABLE, bucko. you just gotta COPE!
- Love conquers all, kid! God's hand is in ALL THINGS at ALL TIMES!!!
★THOUGHT-RESPONSE MANAGEMENT IS KEY!
- YOUR mental reaction to a situation DETERMINES how you FEEL ABOUT IT!!

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today's focus: DISTRACTION as a coping skill
- it "stops" negative thought process loops in a VERY powerful but gentle way

★get a POSITIVE DISTRACTION LIST!!
- require INTENSE FOCUS!
★ALSO put together a "DISTRACTION KIT" or something to have quick access to these things in a crisis!
★include PICTURES of System folks, Switzerland, snow, sparkly things, etc.

- paintblots (even just looking at old ones is helpful!)
- klonoa, nier, dishonored,sonic, pokemon (BE FEARLESS!)
- listening to music (esp. love/hope resonant; "edible")
- playing/composing music (freely so! let it just flow!)
- reading (esp. Leaguework! it ALWAYS helps so much. ♥)
- going outside (and WANDER in WONDER like a child! ♥)
- exercise/ sports? (channel Jasper or Psyche, too, if needed!)
- sewing (by hand, ideally; requires more meditative focus)
- cleaning/organizing (a little at a time; get it DONE! ♥)
- watching good tv/ movies (SU especially! do movie nights!)
- research (but LIMIT IT; don't open like 50 tabs, dude)


A= ACTIVITY (do something you love & enjoy; "re-tune" yourself to what's GOOD

C= CONTRIBUTING (make yourself sincerely available to help others; donate TIME!)

C= COMPARISON (remember good things & blessings; SEE that silver lining!)

E= EMOTION (replace negatives with positives! chin up and HEART-POWER THROUGH!)

P= PUSH AWAY (temporarily distance self from situation; wait until the storm passes)

T= TAKE CONTROL (of your THOUGHTS! "how do I WANT to respond/ feel?")

S= SENSATIONS (smell candles, hold ice, look at bright colors, cold shower, etc.)

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060417

worries about going "home" =

- no job opportunities other than packaging plants/ retail
- "stuck in past" feeling
- limited places to go, esp. to buy food
- no nearby public transportation
- can't walk anywhere
- "everybody knows your OLD name," so to speak
- feel like there's no growth in my life there
- future possibilities seem distant & intangible
- feel bound to a repeating loop of day-to-day inert routine
- hard to find room to "creatively expand"
- very little non-church social connection
- can't live on my own there (yet?)

★I want to start a NEW life as literally as possible. I've been given a second chance and I want to USE IT for the glory of God the Creator AND the good of others… and, I will admit, I want to LIVE, too.

Before I was just "existing." There's a difference between "being happy w/ a simple life" and "ignoring your calling & stagnating." No wonder I developed an addiction-- I was SO DEPRESSED from feeling so STUCK. I was in a looping inert situation, not fully using my gifts. Yes I loved helping my church, but even then, I knew I couldn't keep living the way I was OUTSIDE of church. Church is OUTSIDE of spacetime; I felt "at home" THERE. I never wanted to leave. BUT I NEED to build a NEW LIFE where my faith is not struggling to thrive in the face of my "living situation."

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060417

LOOK INTO…

- places to live in Pittsburgh/Hershey?
- convents near Hershey
- cost of living in Pennsylvania; city variations
- cost of living per state
- climates per state, vs PA
- homes/ apartments for rent in "hometown" areas/counties
- homes/ apartments for rent in PA
- where is JMC right now? how is she?
- rate of Catholicism per state
- how to move out of USA
- what countries allow USA immigrants
- how to travel cheaply, especially w/o own car
- "bare minimum" travel gear/ packing
- how to bus-hop or train-hop across USA
- couchsurfing safety, tips, etc.
- housing/ shelter options for vagrants in USA
- LGBTQIA friendly states/ cities
- education opportunities
- education costs
- scholarships for returning/ adult students?
- adult responsibility "getting started" help
- medicaid insurance acceptance rate?
- cost of insurances
- can you get extra income on disability
- get paid to blog; how
- screenprinting shirts
- acrylic-like fabric paints
- states w/ cleanest tap water
- states w/ most woodlands AND social progress
- how to earn money without a job
- OKC
- make friends in other states
- rights we have in USA vs other countries
- pay rate yearly for carpenters, plumbers, landscaping, interior design, culinary arts, other "hands on" jobs
- skills needed for ^ jobs, + education
- job fields desperate for workers; "high demand" and/or necessary work
- bills, banks, taxes, etc. financial responsibilities


LIST:

- all types of breads/grains
- all kinds of cheese
- all kinds of meat (+ high protein foods in comparison)
- all kinds of vegetables
- all kinds of fruit
- all flavors of ice cream
- all flavors of yogurt
- all kinds of cereal
- "COMBINATION FOODS" (sandwiches, even)
- RECIPE SITES
- pinterest? tumblr? (for recipes)
- ethnic foods
- study of taste?
- flavor interplays
- PLACES TO BUY GOOD FOOD (countrywide)


★self-publishing
★website hosting
★wacom tablets
"minimize" amount of carryable tablets; PUBLISH SERIES!!!


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060417

future "shopping list" / "meal planning" ideas

★best to BUY DAILY, like in SLC AND COPE; live somewhere where you can WALK to stores!
★the more uneaten food you have sitting around, the more prone you are to RELAPSE r/n. our future goal is to be 100% free from all such inclinations! BUT we MUST AVOID ALL POTENTIAL "TEMPTATIONS" until our mind & heart are solidly stable!

· buffets, like at Presby, are a nice option
· restaurants, diners, etc. are too expensive to frequent
· buy single-serve items whenever possible
· COMPARE PRICES ^ vs bulk
· for non-perishables, UTILIZE PORTION-CONTROLLED STORAGE
· keep uneaten food OUT OF ACCESS outside of meals; lock it up if you must
· spend as much time OUTDOORS/ away from food as possible

★ I want to be able to live MINIMALISTICALLY!!! ideally, you should be able to PACK UP & MOVE ON A WHIM. totally pare down your belongings.



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060317 CBT

★re-framing/ transmuting thoughts
★THOUGHT RECORDS (+trees)

1) what's happening factually/ Who is involved/ etc. = OBJECTIVE
2) What am I thinking about it? What am I feeling about it? = SUBJECTIVE

★DO THIS IN WRITING. Thoughts are like dominoes! One leads to another, and you can easily lose focus/ get overwhelmed.

★In writing, you can INDIVIDUALLY DISSECT EACH THOUGHT.
- which are factual?
- which are distorted?
- which are automatic?

automatic thoughts = they "just occur"; DON'T need triggers; habitual; patterns
- need to RECOGNIZE them in order to challenge roots/ transmute them
(influenced by past, beliefs, social pressure, context, exposure to other's same thoughts, etc.)
★"WHY am I repeatedly having this thought?" "WHERE is this thought coming from?" (see above)

★CORE BELIEFS = "roots" of thought/behavior trees; affect IDENTITY?
-start in CHILDHOOD: assumptions of normalcy, disciplinary teachings, morals, etc.
- VALUES^; "set of standards that you live by"

★YOU DON'T HAVE TO ADHERE TO ALL LEARNED CORE BELIEFS
- respect differences on BOTH SIDES!
★challenging family beliefs is NOT challenging them as people!!
their beliefs are based on THEIR experiences; they're NOT "hard & fast rules!!!"

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060217

The new fat on my body
holds healing.

It's GOOD.
100%, tangibly.

It's storing ALL the healing,
all the hope,
all the faith,
all the Love,
that I've put INTO my meals here,
and which now are literally part of me
for life's sake,
for the energy to LIVE,
IN those Good joyful virtues.


I'm not scared anymore. ♥




prismaticbleed: (worried)




051417

MAINTAINING PROGRESS

make your HEART PRIORITIES visible in your life/actions!! (even if working towards that is difficult/ scary/ painful as the hell you're stuck in otherwise)

★ I NEED THE HELP OF OTHERS, ESP. WHEN DISSOCIATED!!!
★ NEED HEALTHY, ACCESSIBLE COPING SKILLS
★ MAKE A LIST OF "WARNING SIGNS" to give to the family, so they can SEE & INTERRUPT that unhealthy cycle!!!

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What have I learned?
- PATIENCE & HUMILITY
★ UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!
- What triggers disorder symptoms, how distorted they are, distorted thoughts, patience, acceptance, HOW to progress, COURAGE!
+ nutrition, portion control, timing, schedule, BALANCE, PATIENCE
- I CAN survive w/o negative coping skills; I CAN rebuild my life to reflect the TRUTH within my heart!

What was most useful?
- Learning to RECOGNIZE my TRUE NEEDS!!
- Learning to question AUTOMATIC thoughts, and NOT act on them!
- BREATHING! Calm down, CENTER/FOCUS; prevent/stop overwhelm!! PEACE!
- Set a GOOD EXAMPLE by TRUSTING & SURRENDERING TO GOD!!! ♥

What can I continue to do to prevent a setback?
- Pray constantly!
- If I TRUST in Him ALWAYS, and hold on to the HOPE & JOY that faith in Christ gives, "setbacks" WON'T occur because HE WILL guide & protect me!!

What are my high risk situations of this happening?
What events/ situations/ triggers cause me to be more vulnerable?
- Questions, high activity levels, high noise levels, close social contact + touch, being "called out"
★ ANYTHING/EVERYTHING that brings attention to "ME" (physical life/ social interaction)!!!! ♥

What are the signs?
Thoughts/ feelings/ behaviors
- Shaking, crying, shallow/fast breathing, angry/violent outbursts, going "mute," dissociating, self-abusing, restricting/purging, head blurry & whirling, headache, stomachache, tense

What can I do to avoid losing control? (If I CAN'T "LEAVE THE ROOM" OR "TAKE A BREAK"!!!)
What could I do differently? What would work best? When I'm struggling or feeling bad, what could I do that will help?
- BREATHE. Count your blessings. TRUST GOD-- He GAVE you this EXACT challenge, FOR GOOD!!!
- Pray for the wisdom & strength to meet it in virtue & love & gratitude & joy & COURAGE!
- BE MAITRU!! ♥
- READ SCRIPTURE!
- And ASK for a helpful "change" if you can!! ♥ (gently, respectfully!)

What could I do if I did lose control?
What has helped? What have I learned? Who can help?
- CRY IT OUT & CALM DOWN!
- APOLOGIZE SINCERELY. Explain what happened & why.

----------------

In case of a setback…

How can I make sense of this? (3PM snack anxiety)
What events/ triggers led up to this setback? How did I react to this? What did I do? What did I think? What did I feel?
- Sitting with lots of people at a round table, close quarters, "singled out"
- Started to shake & panic, wanted to not eat & just cry, BUT also wanted to "lash out" & chase everyone away first, to be free of noise & overwhelm
- Reminded myself that they're all INNOCENT and DON'T KNOW I'M SCARED unless I CLEARLY SAY SO in words OR blatant actions-- but the latter often MAKE IT WORSE, because then they GUESS, and my needs are different from theirs.
- I focused on eating with love & not getting upset, to set a Good example of FAITH & peace & courage in times of trial

What have I learnt from it?
Was this a high-risk situation? Are there things that I can identify are difficult? What helped and what didn’t?
- It was VERY high risk!! because people were FOCUSING ON ME, AND I was eating!
1) I can't talk to/ serve/ answer them if I'm eating & that "unwinnable" conflict angers me
2) People watching ME eat specifically makes me feel dirty & wrong
3) People asking "what's wrong?" plants bad seeds & makes it worse

With hindsight, what would I do differently?
When I think/feel……………………………….. what could I do instead?
- I could ask people gently to wait until I finish eating before talking to me
- I can breathe more deeply
- I can CHOOSE LOVE, ESPECIALLY towards others!!! ♥
- I can PRAY and HAVE FAITH that God IS with me, and will NOT abandon me!
- I can refuse the devil's lies and LOVE GOD IN HIS GIFT OF FOOD & COMPANY, TOO!!! ♥


------------------------------

 

"keep your eyes on HIM, not the storm!!"

★"Don't be so hard on yourself! I can bring Good even out of your mistakes. Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret. This is a waste of time & energy, leading only to frustration! Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me! Look to Me in trust, anticipating that my infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design.
★ Because you are human, you WILL continue to make mistakes! Thinking that you should live an error-free life is symptomatic of PRIDE! Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weaknesses! Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me. I Am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes! Trust Me, and watch to see what I will do. ♥"

ROMANS 8:28
"We know that ALL things work for Good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose."

MICAH 7:7-10+ (★18-20!)
"But as for me, I will look to the Lord,
I will put my trust in God my Savior;
my God will hear me!
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy!
Though I have fallen, I will arise;
Though I sit in darkness, the LORD is my light.

The wrath of the Lord I will endure because I have sinned against Him, until he takes up my cause, and establishes my right. He will bring me forth to the light; I will see His justice. When my enemy sees this, shame shall cover her…"

--------------------------------------

I am ONLY comfortable with the TANGIBLE concept & possibility of motherhood
AS A MAN. How ironic is that??

…I can't be "just" a mother. It feels wrong.
I can't be "just" a father. It feels wrong.
The only thing that feels right is being a bit of BOTH.
The separation of sexes itself feels WRONG to me.
I'm not quite a man, not quite a woman…
The concept of being "impregnated" feels utterly foreign and wrong, for me.
Whereas the concept of "impregnating" feels okay? Like, I could, but…
I'd feel so incomplete, so yearning.
I NEED a bit of both sides in that respect.
Sexually? I… need to function as a man. I need to GIVE.
"Receiving" in that sense feels blatantly "incorrect" and not-right.
But then, AS a man? I could carry a child. I'd love to.
But I couldn't "give birth" like a woman. That, too, feels wrong.
(Maybe I'm secretly a seahorse, who even knows)


-----------------------------
 

Why do I "hate" the honey from breakfast? (also the jelly?)

- It is sticky on my hands, making me feel dirty & shameful & bad.
- I dissociate like a "secret sinner" when eating it.
- I feel I MUST eat it, but I don't quite like the taste?
- I'm angry that it made me so anxious during breakfast.
- I'm angry that I don't like it 100% (yet?).
- I'm angry that the companies producing it have made it taste so artificial.
- I'm angry that if I mix it w/ other foods I can't appreciate either fully?

------------------------------------------------

laughter = tied to JOY, NOT "jokes" or "funny" things!!!

- laughing when a snowflake lands perfectly on your nose when you're trying to catch one on your tongue
- laughing in sheer joy in a perfect snowfall or summer rain; spinning around, arms out

-------------------------------

DBT EMOTION REGULATION!
(very fitting & applicable this morning!) ♥

★emotions= SIGNALS, signs; means of communication/ influence; tools for motivation, organization, & self-knowledge; defense mechanism

★"negative" emotions CAN (and often DO) lead to POSITIVE OUTCOMES, IF dealt/ managed WISELY!!! (fuel!!!)
- "healing THROUGH woundedness"!!!

emotional mind= "jellyfish" // rational mind = "robot"
★ wise mind can be "outside" of BOTH

★nonverbal & verbal communication CAN CONFLICT!

1) passive, "doormat"
2) passive-aggressive; bitter at letting self be stepped on
3) aggressive; defined by "force"
4) assertive; self-respecting but polite!

(emergency shutdown) ★TRAUMA RESPONSE
★E.D. = NUMB^ + INDECISIVE → (can't express needed/ proper emotions and/ or needs? stuck on "plan b" INAPPLICABLE loop


 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

051517

DBT DISTRESS TOLERANCE!

"lightly, my child;"

★creates BALANCE in life= w/o it, things are unstable & unsteady & fluctuating

★DIALECT-ICAL = two "opposing sides" can BOTH be correct!!! (opinions, feelings, etc.)
- feeling sick but knowing our health is improving
- discussing two sides of an opinion-based issue

(TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT STRUGGLES; GET HELP!!!)

★reacting w/o negative consequences!!
★(there are some negative consequences you CANNOT recover from, OR "fix" w/ others)
★LIST PROS & CONS
★"SURVIVAL" INSTINCTS = be careful!

★ACCEPT LIFE AT THAT MOMENT!
NO manipulating, controlling, resisting, ignoring

★TIME!!! take some; the present is a GIFT and it's offered to us ALWAYS!

"Accept life on LIFE'S terms" (GOD)

(TRUST & HUMILITY)

★RUSHING/ IMPULSE/ "IMMEDIACY" CAN PROMOTE UNWISE "SNAP DECISIONS"
★NEED TO STAY MINDFUL; a serene inner calm in the midst of outer storms!!!

★MOMENT-TO-MOMENT CHOICES OF COURAGE & HEALING!!!
(vs all-or-nothing "never" "always" goals; instead, do the Good thing NOW; that's all we have!)

★"inner toolbox" (able to cope even in isolation!!) of coping skills/ virtues = "singing vs. playing piano" (carry the music IN you!!)

★"go with the flow" requires TRUST in own ability to not lose control/ be foolish
★SELF ESTEEM/ RESPECT

★YOU ARE NOT A DISORDER! IT'S A FALSE THING!
YOU ARE A MIRACULOUS, ORDERLY SYSTEM OF GOODNESS!!!

ACTION-BASED FORGIVENESS!

JUSTICE & MERCY!


----------------

(later)


"remove the beam from your own eye"

I have to be VERY blunt about this. I've been bottling it up but I NEED to admit/ express/ voice it.

Mary is so obsessed with Scripture that it's hard for her to talk in non-quoted-verses.
She'll block her ears & read the Bible for hours-- during groups, during bonding time, DURING MASS.
She says she likes eating "as part of a group" and was deeply hurt when she couldn't, BUT she constantly says how she wants to live in total isolation, miles upon miles from any human contact, in absolute silence.
She won't cooperate with staff. She's actually highly passively-confrontational with them, sometimes outright refuting their statements or orders. She demanded they cater to her meal desires at first, even when she knew no one in the unit had that option, and although she's since stopped such behavior, stopped declaring coldly "I do not desire this food" and refusing to eat, she still won't eat more than 25%, tops, and will "negotiate" with staff at every meal over this percentage. Then she'll drink the backup without waiting for the clock OR for others, although those are the rules.
She socially isolates and rarely shows warmth (although when she DOES, it's GENUINE and I TREASURE it), and she's very demanding & wants lots of control and sometimes, she seems to care more about the literal Word than about people, and God IN THE WORLD, AS HIS WORD, alive in His Creation.
She scares me to sobbing frustration because I see so much of the old "me" in her.

Kellie is similar. She is an apparently traumatized, nervous wreck, and my heart aches to see that, despite such sight also


(left unfinished)



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

051617
dream.

Javier & Central, all sitting around a table like in the facility mealroom.
Lynne voiced the concern "are we 'real' if we aren't 'people'?"
Javier, who was at the head of the table, stood up with this look of absolute solid conviction, and declared "We are SOULS."
This sentiment visibly resonated with everyone there; it was such a moving thing to see.


later on in the dream, I was singing "Love is the Answer" with A.W. from the unit, which was really nice.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


051617 journal cover

★remember= food data is collected to promote LOVE & GRATITUDE for the inherent CREATIVE WONDER & GOODNESS OF GOD IN THE FOOD!! It requires respect, joy, prudence, temperance, harmony, and TRUST in God's will in GIVING IT TO YOU HERE!!!


★through every trial,★
♥PERSEVERE!♥
★LOVE WILL GUIDE YOU!★


food is LIFE transmuting death into MORE LIFE!!!

remember what Laurie said: you gotta get bigger if you wanna be a BRICK HOUSE!!


★GOD'S WORD DEMOLISHES SIN'S "STRONGHOLDS"!
★WRITE DOWN ALL DISOBEDIENT, DISHONORABLE THOUGHTS/ FEELINGS AND MAKE THEM CAPTIVE TO CHRIST!!!



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

051717


CBT

-journaling = set goals/topics

★"paint" metaphor = you might not be able to change the room/ situation itself, BUT you can at least PAINT/ DECORATE IT!!
("safe/resonant" spaces)
"INNER HOUSE"
situations/ events are empty rooms/ canvases =
YOU can choose what color to paint the room you're living in, so to speak!!
★"vibe" transformation

"paint over the eating disorder" (better yet, REMODEL!!!)


-----------------------

(later)

It happened again.

Today, Wednesday, was one of my favorite lunches-- grilled cheese & sun chips. It's lovely.
But, we had another student nurse in the dining room, like poor Kayla, and this time, I didn't just dissociate from the "she can see EVERYTHING wrong & bad about my behavior & as a result staff thinks I'm evil & untrustworthy" fears… I gave in. That overwhelmed, exhausted, scared-&-crying kid part of me just gave up, and instead of TRYING to "be a good kid & change their minds about me," I was SO CONVINCED that such effort was hopeless, because it would seem like "suspicious buttering-up behavior to try & HIDE how evil they knew I was," and therefore even a Nobel Peace Prize would only serve to make them shake their heads & click their tongues, disgusted with the flagrant brassness of my hypocrisy… instead of facing such spiritual-existential despair, I decided to just let them say "I knew it." "I told you so."
I lapsed.
I drank the hot sauce. I licked the papers. I deconstructed the sandwich.

And because that dissociated paranoia hampered my ability to participate in/ remember the meal,
(but not God's ability)
I wanted to try again.

Amy cut hers into little bits & left half on her food tray.
I took one.

Just one. One tiny, inch big square. I ate it in the bathroom alone, quiet. I took my time.
I tasted it. That miniscule portion, taken in such slow isolation, was a feast.
I was happy. My body was sated. Had that been my sole & only meal of the day, it still would have satisfied.
But the guilt was unbearable.

I threw up in the sink.




…Is taking & eating food that someone else THREW AWAY AS GARBAGE a sin? No, but my gluttonous motivation is what made it so today.

Binges happen because I'm dissociated & desperate for quiet, comprehending, attentive wholeness, and I keep forcing second and twenty-second tries, just as desperate to "get it right," to heal…
It cannot heal, not in that mindset.


Get it Good the first time, please.



★your heart garden needs fertilizer too, dude!!
sometimes, I think, God lets "manure" like this happen so He can transmute it into that very Good use.
BUT that's at HIS merciful discretion!!! BE GOOD!!! ♥


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

052017

CBT

(★NO EXCUSES ALLOWED!!! God gave you a Spirit of Good POWER to RESIST DISMISS ALL SIN, THROUGH GOD'S power!!!)

help us identify AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS, TO CHANGE THEM!
★see patterns; identify distortions; HEAL

DBT = emotional
CBT = wise mind/ rationality/ ★THOUGHT RECORDS || ★is this a TRUE thought, or a distortion?

1) SITUATION→ what's happening around me? OBJECTIVE DESCRIPTION! "what's the crisis? who is involved?"
2) THOUGHTS→ what our mental responses are; SUBJECTIVE! "think it through;" SEE that process!
3) FEELINGS→ what our feelings/emotions are; RATE THEM! try to stay OBJECTIVE in listing them!

(plant GOOD seeds!)
★distorted thoughts fuel harmful feelings!!
★TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your choices! AND their consequences!!

★PREDISPOSE YOUR HEART & MIND TO ACTS OF LOVE, MERCY, GRATITUDE, & HUMILITY!
armor of virtue!! (+PRAYER!! God is the SOURCE of virtue; ASK HIM for it!!)

★When you re-tune your heart, you CAN "walk through the valley of death" and yet FEAR NO EVIL, because CHRIST IS WITH YOU!!! don't ever let go of His guiding hand!!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

052217

DBT

"I don't know [this], but please TEACH ME!!"
(humility/ wisdom!)

★radical acceptance= TRUST in the big picture!!

★find ANCHORS for trust= knowledge, fact, reliability, etc.
(take time)

★learning = PARTICIPATION!

★focus on what you CAN control = YOUR RESPONSE TO IT!! ♥

★STALWART COURAGE & DEDICATION TO VIRTUE!!!

★appreciate little blessings! take NOTHING for granted!!!

1) Life can be tough! It's not always fair or easy.
2) Some things CANNOT be changed; death, especially
★3) It is what it is! Balance of uncontrollable/ controllable; see clearly; CAREFUL!!!
(DON'T "GIVE UP" & USE THIS TO FALSELY "JUSTIFY" IT!!)
4) You may not always agree with OR like the situation!
(accept it & move forwards regardless!!)
(^OBEDIENCE/ HUMILITY/ DEDICATION)
★respect authority!!

~BE STRONG, BE COURAGEOUS, & DO EVERYTHING IN LOVE!!! ♥~

YOU WILL GET THROUGH WHATEVER HAPPENS!
(and if not, then you're with God! ♥)


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

052617

DBT

objective observation; ALL observers reach the SAME CONCLUSION!!!

★judgments force things to "CONFORM;" conflict w/ mindfulness!!
(reject what IS)
^★"what is "good," "expected," etc. instead of "what WORKS?"
★even "good" judgments can be VERY WRONG!!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

052817

★bizarre E.D. fear contributing heavily to PURGING=
"putting OUTSIDE things INSIDE"
"they DON'T BELONG THERE"
feels WRONG, INVASIVE

★contrast childhood obsession w/ going INSIDE things??
(hercules sea monster, magic school bus body trips, etc.)
"vore" concept? INFI???

★TOYS like this??? e.g. clear tummies w sparkly water in 'em, etc.??

LOOK THIS STUFF UP & see if you STILL resonate with it somehow?
USE IT TO HEAL


vomiting = want to be EMPTY;
WHY?


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

053017

★CORE BELIEFS = AFFECT SELF ESTEEM

"identity" : DON'T SHACKLE TO SHIFTING THINGS!!!
★don't let others do so, either!

"this is how I AM, that is how I WAS.
I will NOT go back; have faith in me!!"

★ACTIONS=PROOF!!
DON'T EVER GIVE UP!

THEY CAN CHANGE, TOO!!! ♥
(HAVE HOPE & PRAY!) ("LOOK UP")
"don't hold me to my past,"
then don't hold THEM to it, either!!!

"treat others as YOU would like to be treated"!!
★bring them UP to where you are. ♥
★SET A GOOD EXAMPLE!!

you KNOW who you ARE, truly.
at the end of the day, REMEMBER THAT.
★you are changing for YOU. (AND OTHERS!!!) not to "please people!"
DO WHAT IS
GOOD ACROSS THE BOARD!!
★PLEASE
GOD ALONE!!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


(unknown date)
(after Elinor seizure)

WORKSHEET: EVALUATING AND LETTING GO OF NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

---------------------

The context: Sunday dinner

The feeling: fear, anger, despair, sadness

I have been holding these feelings for (how long): one week at least; years at most

Holding on to these feelings have cost me: peace, healing, love, enjoyment & appreciation

What these feelings have done to me is: made me angry that I had lost touch with ^, blaming others for not expressing those good feelings? unfair, but DISTRAUGHT by empathy; furious that they aren't healed yet, angry at MYSELF for "forcing" myself to do the same; afraid I'm "being proud" or "coldhearted" BY being happy/grateful when they aren't

My payoff in keeping these feelings has been: showing me mindsets & behaviors that NEED healing

The possible difference it could make in my life if I could let these feelings go is: PEACE, HEALING, UNHINDERED LOVE!! the ability TO help others heal BY GOOD EXAMPLE!!! ♥

The fears I have in letting go of these feelings are: "it will be spiteful/ uncaring/ ignorant of the suffering others feel/felt"

Is it possible that I could let go of these feelings?: YES (and I DO whenever I remember TRUTH!!)

Am I willing to let go of these feelings?: ABSOLUTELY 100%

When? RIGHT NOW, BUDDY

In this moment are they gone? YES! They go away WHENEVER I "reharmonize" with GOD'S GREATER TRUTH!!!

If I had the power to replace those feelings with something new I would like to feel: Compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, love, COURAGE, CHARITY, integrity, Service, KINDNESS, GENTLENESS, PATIENCE

And I would like to tell myself such things as: ---

Could I let those feelings in?: ABSOLUTELY, and instantly!

Am I willing to let those feelings in?: YES (they are already within my heart ALWAYS! ♥)

In this moment are those feelings present?: YES, and as long as I focus on GOD they WILL BE ALWAYS!!! ♥

The behaviors or actions that I tend to want to show when I feel these new feelings are: peaceful, mindful actions; smiling; supporting others THROUGH GOOD EXAMPLE, NOT "EATING" THEIR PAIN!! Then we'll BOTH get sick!! (PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF!!!)

The words that want to come out of my mouth when I feel these GOOD feelings are: ---

A previous time that I have felt similar GOOD feelings was the time when: ---

Thank you for your loving presence for me to let go.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(unknown date)
(in green pen. AFTER ashen woke up; references us!! ALSO admitting things iscah would NEVER admit)

Harmful "coping" habits = things that REDUCE overwhelm BUT have harmful consequences!!

1) biting arms
2) pulling out hair
3) scratching/ punching self
4) vomiting
5) screaming (high pitch)
6) refusing to eat
7) sobbing uncontrollably
8) rarely-- burning
9) atonement (now forbidden)
10) stomping so hard it hurts
11) rarely-- destroying objects (forcefully)
12) putting myself into shock
13) completely isolate from sensory input/ people


Positive coping habits = reduce overwhelm AND promote both immediate AND long-term peace, health, well-being, etc.

1) TALKING TO THE SYSTEM FOLKS ♥
2) play a stringed instrument w/o any performance intent
3) go outside & just sit in all the green
4) reflect on past "wounds turned into blessings" (see #1)
5) read hopeful quotes & old good journals
6) read Scripture
7) LEAGUEWORK! ♥
8) hug a plushie or seven
9) go outside and run around!
10) listen to music I wrote!
11) make-believe adventures, esp. w/ toy friends
12) paint a shirt, sculpture, or colorblot
13) get NICE sensory input (peppermint & CHRISTMAS!!!)
14) GO TO CHURCH!
15) listen to choral music
16) look at sparkles
17) BREATHE!



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(unknown date)

FEELINGS

"Feelings and thoughts are a part of everything we do. They are NECESSARY and IMPORTANT. Some days we find ourselves being DOWN on who we are and what we are thinking and what actions we have taken. Other days are GREAT and we find we can do NO WRONG! It is important to be aware of your feelings and thoughts-- and what makes you feel the way you do."
(Both of these mindsets are EXTREMES and are unhealthy as a result. The key is to have a humble, honest, complete picture of yourself, "good AND bad.")

Write a short description for the following words or describe an incident that made you feel a particular way.

BRAVE: confident & hopeful, while being aware of fears/doubts; the conviction to "do my best" despite them

DEFEATED: as if one misstep is a permanent condemnation; overwhelmed by disappointment in self to the point of stasis

EAGER: having positive expectations for an outcome; action-oriented hope & enthusiasm; the desire "to do"

ENVIOUS: fear-based anger at the "good fortune" of another, rooted in lie of "there's not enough for us both," the shameful scared want to take it

GLAD: warmly content & bright, esp. in gratitude

HOPELESS: a black cloudbank; inability/unwillingness to comprehend positivity and wait for the future

JEALOUS: an angry, bitter false-feeling of lack and/or unworthiness, in the want of what another has; rooted in shame? depressed

OVERWHELMED: whirling, flashing, hot & too-close; an unprocessable deluge of sensory input and/or emotion; a high-pitched internal shrieking alarm

PEACEFUL: a placid blue water; clear quiet, concentric ripples // tranquil contentment, the absence of agitation

SHY: reticence to interact with others; lack of confidence in one's ability to "perform" or socialize "properly" and/or fear of being overwhelmed

TIRED: fatigue in body and/or mind, often borderline tearful; the need to rest & recuperate

WORRIED: concern over a perceived/expected (true or not) negative or anxious/unpleasant event/situation, often out of one's control



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(unknown date)
(references system people)

DISTRACTION TECHNIQUES

DON'T WORK (triggering or ineffective):

- Hold ice cubes
- Allow yourself to cry
- Call a friend, your therapist or a crisis line
- Try not to be alone
- Have a hot bath or shower
- Wear an elastic band around your wrist and snap it when you have the urge to harm yourself
- Work with paint, clay, play-doh etc.
- Draw a picture of what or who is making you angry
- Massage the area you want to harm with massage oils or creams
- Break the object that you want to use to self-injure as a way to show that you have control over it

WORK (safe and tested):

- Take up a sport or exercise-- NOT socially in these situations (UNLESS Psyche is fronting?)
- Deep breathing (get Kyanos to help!)
- Listen to music (SPOTIFY OR LEAGUE STUFF!!! ♥)
- Go for a walk (outside!!)
- Write in a journal
- Write a letter to the person(s) that have hurt you and express how they made you feel. You can then decide what to do with it.
- Write down all your positive points and why you do not deserve to be hurt-- FAITH BASED!
- Play a musical instrument -- DON'T PERFORM. just flow.
- Make a list of reasons why you are going to stop cutting -- have Razor do it.
- Do some household chores (i.e. cleaning) -- CLEANER = CALMER!
- Scribble on paper -- WHOEVER wants to. Treasure that.
- TALK TO LAURIE!!
- Go to CZ or Infi
- Play Nier, Dishonored, Klonoa, Sonic
- READ LEAGUE STUFF

UNSURE (untested or unclear):

- Relaxation techniques
- Sew, cross-stitch, knit
- Practice yoga
- Do some cooking or, even better, do some FOOD ARTISTRY


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(date unknown)
(early? check tablet)

SELF SOOTHING LIST
think of it as a battery recharge, buddy)

★ "take-along"; INTERNAL-- don't need anyone else to "fill the need" for you; same w/ THINGS
★ KNOW/ ADMIT/ TAKE CARE OF your own needs, OR you CAN'T DO THAT FOR OTHERS!!! (BLIND)
★ ^PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH!! or you will end up preaching what you practice.

-PUT YOURSELF IN OTHER'S SHOES
-GET OUT OF YOUR OWN HEAD!!

"Self-soothing is a tool to take care of yourself in a rush. It's a great way to make yourself feel good in the face of a very difficult situation. This tool is fairly straightforward, thought it's sometimes hard to remember to do it. In fact, it's so simple that you may laugh and think it won't work.
The most common challenge is when we feel like we should be punished, it's a real stretch for us to do nice things for ourselves. In the end, though,
punishment makes us feel guilty about something we can't change: the past. When we're in the midst of a painful situation, the most effective thing we can do is get in a state of mind, where we can fix, get through or accept the situation. Doing something nice and caring for yourself can help you get to wise-mind. Focus on achieving wise mind, and help yourself unlearn the self-blaming, self-punishment mindset.



1) VISION/SIGHT
- GO OUTSIDE AND LOOK AT THE TREES & FLOWERS & BUGS ♥
- Look at Leagueworld art/giftart and/or your paintblot box
- Watch your face childhood films and/or read those Pokemon comics!!
- PLAY KLONOA, NIER, OR SONIC
- Stare at rainbows/ prisms/ crystals/ glitter for a while

What are three things you enjoy looking at?
- Look at League and Spectrum people!! ♥
- GIMMELWALD (always, dude-- one day I'll be able to look at it THROUGH MY WINDOW ♥)
- glittery/ sparkly/ prismatic/ iridescent things

2) HEARING
- Listen to joyful music, esp. choral and "edible sounds"
- GO OUTSIDE & SOAK UP THE SILENT PEACE OF IT
- play around on your guitar, harp, violin, piano, etc.
- listen to foreign languages in lovely vocal tones
- bells, music boxes

Name three sounds that you enjoy?
- That DIVINE upwards glissando-bit near the end of Milliontown
- Handbells, harp harmonics, several Asian stringed instruments, CELLOS
- rain. ♥

3) SMELL
★ GOOD MEMORY CONNECTIONS!! remember what a soothing elsewhen felt like
- get out that box of Christmas candles & stick your nose in it
- GO OUTSIDE AND LITERALLY SMELL THE ROSES
- smell some childhood toys or other "family scent" objects (esp. clothes)

Name three scents that help you calm down?
- SNOW + FOG
- Moss, Arbutus flowers, autumn woods, night forests
- CHRISTMAS!!
- stuffed animals

4) TASTE
★ the SMELLS of foods are FAR more comforting/soothing than the taste?
- CILANTRO, LETTUCE, CUCUMBERS
(work on removing all lingering anxiety from this one!!)

Identify three small things you could use to stimulate your tastebuds?
- punch-in-the-face potent GINGER
- Wintergreen!
- CHLOROPHYLL
- Chai tea

5) TOUCH
- unisalia, flopsy, herald, rosey, celebi, etc.; hug a fluffy friend!!
- rosary beads, esp. big ones, and esp. praying SLC-style
- ask chris, dad, or grandma for a hug
- put on the power bracelets
- make a pomander
- GO OUTSIDE (or inside) AND TOUCH EVERYTHING

What three things physically feel good to you?
- MINKY FABRIC
- really smooth, cold, glossy things
- "sandpapery" things?


★ OPEN YOUR HEART AND OPEN YOUR MIND. don't get trapped inside yourself.
★ KNOW THYSELF!!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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(date unknown)

SELF-ESTEEM TIMELINE

★ focus on the POSITIVE!!!

~2000 = DREAM WORLD! ♥
2001 = STARTED WRITING!!! ♥
2002 = best creative year

Klonoa happened somewhere around here. So did the STRING SHOP & TUDOR BOOKSTORE.

I was always outside as a kid; running through the woods, exploring the mossy backyard, admiring all the little (and big!) flowers everywhere.

I spent most of my time drawing.
I wrote some really great music too?

★ all this ^ is the definition of healthy self-esteem!
just get back in tune with that reality, okay? ♥

---------------

- dissociative troubles from ~2003 through 2017.

★ D.I.D. made this very difficult because I was NOT CONSCIOUS for most of 2004-2016!!!
That time is ALIEN to me, and I'm just stuck untangling the dregs now, in its final blessed absence.

FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR ALL THAT CONFUSED PAIN!
You can't act straight if you can't even see straight; you'll just stumble all over!!

---------------

the little bucket list
- go to gimmelwald
- learn polish
- GET BIG & STRONG, BRO
- publish a book (or seven)
- learn like, every instrument
- MEET JMC. ♥


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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(unknown date)

★ recovery = fixing priorities
★ recovery varies from person to person
★ lapses are NOT "all or nothing"
★ a RELAPSE is getting stuck
★ maintain healthy weight/ nutrition (esp. variety)

★ be CHRISTLIKE and all problems disappear in love
★ FIND THE POSITIVES ♥ (feeling like a "burden" hinders openness)

--------------

MY SUPPORT SYSTEM
Who is in your support system? What role are they most helpful? Least helpful?

★do YOU trust those who hurt YOU accidentally? YOU NEED TO HEAL.
★ HONESTY, TRUST (both ways)

--------------

SUPPORT PERSON
(should have multiple for different reasons/ situations; contextual?)
(talk about different things to dad then grandma, etc.)
★ PROVIDE different support; may be lacking in other support fields
★ should KNOW your behaviors/ rituals to help your BEST INTERESTS and assist/ support you in healing

GRANDMA
GRANDPA
MOM
DAD
VIRAL
DIAMOND
LIGHTNING
FATHER P.

--------------

HELPFUL SITUATIONS
★ What needs CAN this person help fill? What worries & hurts can they soothe? What questions & confusions can they clear?

MOM= hugs, writing/ expression, "lighter" creativity, "magic" re-awareness
DAD= solidity & simplicity; reassurance, good hard work, "don't worry be happy"
VIRAL= philosophy
DIAMOND= sheer fun talk
FATHER P.= spiritual guidance, religious buoyance

--------------

TRIGGERING SITUATIONS
★ What feelings/ needs/ worries/ questions would NOT be wise or kind to bring to that person? What are they unable to give, for their own legitimate reasons?
NO ONE PERSON CAN MEET ALL YOUR NEEDS. (Only God can do that!!♥)

GRANDPA= any "deep" topics
MOM= bitter feelings, esp. self-loathing
DAD= depression/anxiety, "deep" topics
VIRAL= religion/morality concerns & trials
DIAMOND= any "deep" topics
FATHER P.= venting

--------------

★ DON'T ISOLATE! Be around people at least; get out of yourself; smile more!!
★ TALKING about it makes it REAL/ TANGIBLE; only then can you interact with it to untangle/ REMOVE it
★ YOU ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH THIS DISORDER!!! ("this is me, and THIS is what I need to heal/ work on")

--------------

(on the back of the paper, this was written)


my support system was always INTERNAL
but I'm TERRIFIED to go back to that,
even if it was (and IS)
love, love, LOVE,
incandescent, unconditional, always there,
fidelity itself--

and I want to weep

they're still the only people I can feel like this for
warm and hopeful and courageous and real
alive and well
even in the dark valley.

is God in that too?
is God in them too?
can I love God and other people?

if I need to let go of everything but Him,
if I need to rely only on Him,

(luke 14:26)

what is the right thing to do here?



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(unknown date)
(after the system reawoke)

★"GUARANTEED" SUPPORTS = RELIABLE & CONSISTENT!!

MY SUPPORT SYSTEM (PUN INTENDED)
Who is in your support system? What role are they most helpful? Least helpful?

--------------

SUPPORT PERSON

LAURIE
CZ
INFINITII
GENESIS
XENOPHON
LYNNE
JAVIER
JULIE
LEON
NATHANIEL
WALDORF
JOSEPHINA
HARMONIA
SPINE

--------------

HELPFUL SITUATIONS

LAURIE= "I need to talk this out," "tell it like it is," "I need to remember what Good I've done," EMPATHY, HISTORY, unconditional LOVE
CZ= "I need to feel loved, and totally worth loving." "I need to remember the big picture."
INFINITII= "Show me the light in this fearful dark."
XENOPHON= "I need to conquer this sorrow & fear." "I need to remember that Light DOES shine out of even the darkest nights."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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prismaticbleed: (czj)

 (Chaos Zero, 100%. ♥)



outside, in some sort of town square area, loose crowd about, seemed nervous but not agitated. i was looking for Chaos Zero-- i "couldn't find him" but i had this strong feeling that he was supposed to be with me there. 
as i was worrying about how to find him, the crowd anxiety picked up-- big planes flying overhead, military? thinking of "what really matters if I die now," settled on GOD. brief existential depression feeling, worrying if this meant loving anything BUT God was "wrong," but the thought was making me feel sick. pushed it aside. 
made a "hand phone" call to my dad, while still looking up at the sky, feeling determined now in the wake of that upset. immediately asked dad if he had seen my "partner" as i couldn't find him-- then said that was too paltry a term & flat-out called him my "wife-husband."

next thing i remember, i went in building nearby, japanese fellow "as" my dad? with a bunch of kids? hugging them & reassuring them of safety, re-directing them to new homes? I think I asked him about Chaos too. he didn't seem to grasp english too well but i somehow got the point across and he said no. scene was all very vague and confusing. i was starting to worry, feeling the fabric of the dream getting surreal, and went back outside.

began walking through crowds in the square again, looking around at the scenery and trying to figure out where to go next.
THEN suddenly, from this old "Sonic Unleashed"-esque stone gothic building in the square (reminded me of this in terms of general shape and structure), Chaos Zero rushes out looking around-- he sees me, exclaims "Jewel!" and runs over to embrace me. I'll never forget the look on his face.


(next bits blurry)
suddenly, "lugia" balloon crash? from over fields to left. hits bouncy castle thing full of kids, at the edge of the square? started looking like a boardwalk. Chaos and I getting the kids out & sending them to hide in this "below-groundlevel" garden area behind us? parents looking for them, but they were unkind? kids did not want to go with them, they were very scared. I remember genuinely considering "adopting" 2 little boys; one had gorgeous sunset-amberpink hair

then going inside somewhere (after kids?) holding a shark-bag?? literally a purse thing but it was a literal shark. bizarre. building inside looked like UPMC hospital groundfloor (chapel one) crossed w/ aquarium and the "boyle" house on dishonored? big spiraly stairwell going up, i was singing some "crooner" song that was REALLY gorgeous & sweet; painting Chaos & Robotnik on side of stairwell? like a mural. Chaos had this thin beaded necklace of sorts (very long, wound about hands) as a "weapon"?

-outside by old fam restaurant, guy parking his motorcycle; snowy out, "sprayed it w/ glass" to "lock" it up? my dad was there, laughing at how that was such an unneeded extra expense that new tech required? he took the spraycan and sprayed my back with it, "drawing a design"= orange-white, like bleach; white monkey-mouse thing on cross? crucified. smiling serenely, a demon being "forced out" of its lower reproductive area? nearby woman said it "represented what was happening to me."

then in a dining room in church basement, like OLotE parish; supposedly still UPMC. digital clock on wall kept skipping, rewinding, resetting time. it was tuesday's lunch meal= pizza, chocolate ensure, a salad with ranch dressing. i had an extra combo-snack exchange to use and asked for Doritos but somehow I "couldn't" eat them due to the messed-up time constrictions? i stayed after when everyone left; clock skipped back several times to impossible numbers= 72:36, -91.55, etc. numbers began to degenerate into broken symbols and then the clock died. i mentally asked celebi if she could "sneak in" and "rewind time" for me to before the meal began, so i could actually eat it at a wise, slow pace without rushing to meet a "broken clock;" unstated conception of celebi being able to "HEAL" that flow of time by the simple fact that SHE "touched it," even just to rewind it. oddly it also felt that the digital clock hadn't affected the present time flow in reverse, BUT had effectively rewound itself to "prehistoric" times? i actually felt worried about it, as if it were a conscious entity.

time did rewind-- assumedly celebi did so remotely; i felt her presence but didn't see her-- and now everyone else was eating but i was standing up at the far left of the room, against the wall, the up-stairwell behind me. chaos zero was there in front of me, looking exhausted like from worry & work, but joyful and relieved to see me... that sort of "profoundly grateful" quiet joy he shows. i kissed him but he returned it in honesty, whereas in last week's dream he was too sad to return it despite honesty-- and that deep love in my heart (oh how i missed it so) became so gorgeously brilliant that it hurt and i remember half-mumbling that "our hearts needed to be inside each other" because nothing else would accomplish the transcendent intimacy my entire soul was desperately seeking then. so we actually did try a soul-merge (overlay-style; body-of-light concept) and i recall there were a few people nearby giving us looks but i paid that no mind; all i knew, and all i was, was love.



prismaticbleed: (worried)



COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY WORKBOOK: THOUGHT DISTORTIONS

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Now… it is time to look at the specific types of thoughts you are having. Some of the thoughts we have during and about certain situations are not accurate and these are called thought distortions. These thought distortions are called automatic thoughts because they happen automatically without our thinking about it. When you walk past a group of people and they begin to laugh, do you think they are laughing about you? This is called an automatic thought and in CBT it is called personalization. You have no idea what they were talking about, but your insecurities tell you that it was you they were laughing at. A lot of the problems people have are due to this and other types of automatic thoughts.

When bad things happen, we begin punishing ourselves with such thoughts as: "I'm no good," "I'm a total failure" or "Nothing ever goes my way." These thoughts usually make us feel pretty bad about ourselves. You see,
we are what we think. (Plant pretty thoughts like flowers!)

If we think something often enough, we begin to believe it's true. To conquer many of our mental health problems, we need to stop those automatic thoughts and replace them with more positive, truthful ones. By nipping these thoughts in the bud, we can put a halt to many problems before they even start.

On the following pages are a review of the most common thought distortions and questions for you to answer about your own automatic thoughts. If you become confused while working on the following pages, ask [a staff] for help! By the end of this book, you will be able to challenge your inaccurate thoughts.


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ALL-OR NOTHING THINKING
(IS VERY UNWISE)

★"Everything is a miracle, or nothing is a miracle" is the ONLY time this applies-- and the former is the proven truth!! So chill out, love.

This is when you see things in black and white categories without any shades of gray. If your performance falls short of perfect you see yourself as a total failure. To a certain point, such perfectionism can lead us to try harder; but in the long run, it tends to discourage us from trying at all. Since we encounter very little black or white in the real world, this kind of thinking squeezes much of the brightness out of our view of the world; all the shades of gray come to look as black as night.
« Let Christ be your hope. We're ALL imperfect; but He holds our hand & guides us as we stumble along. In Him, following Him, there's no fear of this kind of thinking.


It is easy to tell when you are having all-or-nothing thoughts because you make "always," "never," and "forever" statements. For example, "I never get what I want," "I always feel depressed," or "I hate my life, and it will be like this forever." To change all-or-nothing thinking, you have to remove these words from your vocabulary, and begin to describe situations more accurately.
★ Such false absolutes are the definition of hell.
- Only God is eternal & unchanging and He is ALL GOOD & VIRTUOUS. Therefore, such negative loops cannot be true, by virtue of Reality & Truth Himself!!

"All or nothing thinking" makes learning a new skill difficult. It also makes it harder to improve your performance in an old skill. A sculptor who thinks in terms of all-or-nothing will never finish a statue because the first stages of work will be rough. When thinking in all-or-nothing terms, it becomes difficult to start something when there is no interest in finishing it because it will never be perfect or 100%.
- THIS IS FINE. "There is no bad art." Put your heart in; that's what counts. GOD ALONE IS PERFECT!

--------------------------------------

Fill in the blank with your own example of a time when you had "all-or-nothing" thinking.

- As an artist, I felt that if my work wasn't 100% photorealistic/ anatomically exact, it was a "visual lie" and therefore "wrong," not art at all, but a lazy falsehood. (In truth, ALL art is just a representation of an un-copiable perfect creation. It's fine!)

★PLAY more! Even black & white hold hidden hues. Find them & pluck them like harp strings. Everything here changes.


When you had this thought, what kind of action did you take?

- I stopped art altogether for years, crushed & ashamed of my own inadequacy & lack of talent/skill, forgetting that I only ever STARTED art as an expression of imagination-- of the joyful unbound freedom of creation & creativity-- not as some stressed out attempt perfectly represent what God had already perfectly made. That's not ANYONE'S job!!

★think of how beautiful the art of children is, in its own way. It's messy and nowhere near "anatomically correct," but it has at its heart the heart of ALL art-- an outpouring of beauty, the joyous need to participate in ever-blooming creation, to dip our clumsy fingers into God's paint and imitate His work not out of pride, but out of grateful wonder & love. Existence is beautiful, and the artistic soul cannot help but pour itself out in communion with it. We paint & sing & write because God placed that cooperation of His creation within us. WE are His art, too.

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OVER-GENERALIZATION

You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. This is a common mistake with automatic thoughts because we think about new experiences based on old experiences. For example, we identify different qualities in a person that we have seen before, but not all things we recognize are the same. For example, "I just failed my math test; I'm not going to try anymore because I'm going to fail the class anyway." Another example is "Jen refused to go on a date with me, so no girl is going to want to date me."
- Time marches on, love. The "patterns we see can suddenly change in a heartbeat. Also, negative events happen to everyone! Learn from them and LET THEM GO. Life's too grand to get stuck.

Because overgeneralization is an automatic thought, it is very easy to stop at that, but you must examine situations more thoroughly. This way of thinking is where we develop stereotypes like ALL Caucasians, ALL African Americans, ALL Asians, etc. and the less we know about these people the more likely we are to make such comments and believe such stereotypes.
- Think of how many tints & shades of "red" there are, but they're ALL "red." It's kind of like that.

It is important to remember that even though some groups of people have some things in common, each person is a separate and unique individuals. NO TWO PEOPLE ARE EXACTLY THE SAME.
★ the unifying factors are skin tone, birthplace, culture, etc. NOT PERSONALITY!
- Collective unconscious vs. individualized expression of those symbols & patterns & concepts = all crystals scatter the same light but their individual structure makes every refracted rainbow sparkle a different way.

--------------------------------------

Think of a time when you judged a person to be one way, and then discovered that the person was different.
What did you do when you realized that you were wrong about that person?


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MENTAL FILTER

This when you pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively. It is when you think only about the bad things that have happened to you, and ignore all the good things in your life. If you concentrate only on a negative comment or event, and filter out all the positive ones, you will nearly always be disappointed with your performance, even when you ought to be proud of it. For example, you make dinner for your family and burn the biscuits, but everything else turns out well. Instead of focusing on the good parts of the meal, you only think about those burnt biscuits and what a terrible person you [allegedly] are for ruining dinner.
To change your mental filter, you need to look for the silver lining (HOPE!) on the clouds of your life. It's all about how YOU CHOOSE to let things affect you.

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Everyone has used their mental filter at one time or another. Think of a time when you were unable to see the good in a situation, and only focused on the bad part.
Using your example, what can you see that was good about the situation that you didn't notice at the time?

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MAGNIFICATION

This is when you
exaggerate the importance of things, such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement. This exaggeration only occurs with your negative attributes or when you do something incorrectly. This is the "making a mountain out of a mole hill" way of thinking.

MINIMIZATION

This is like the opposite of magnification. Instead of looking favorably on something you did well, you
make it seem smaller than it really is. You shrink things you do well, or other people's imperfections to make them seem less.

Together, these two thought distortions are called the
"binocular trick" because it's like you are always looking through the wrong end of the binoculars. You shrink your achievements, and magnify your faults. This is an easy trap to fall into, but the best way to change this way of thinking is… when you have an automatic thought, simply reverse it and see if the opposite is more appropriate. For example, report cards are distributed and you received four B's and one D. All you see is the D and think of yourself as a failure. Let's look through the other end of the binoculars and view the four B's as a success and the one D as an area for improvement; not the end of the world.
- Amusingly, if I had four D's & one B, I'd be happy about the B! It really is thought distortion; don't ignore EITHER side, just be GRATEFUL as well as REALISTIC. Do your best; we all trip, just get back up and keep on moving forwards. The journey isn't a "failure" until you stop having one by refusing to walk!

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Give your own example of when you might have thought this way.
With this eating disorder, if I ate well & healthy & happily & safely all day but then messed up in the evening, I'd consider all that good effort AND ACHIEVEMENT as naught, blinding myself to the stumbling but persistent healing process that WAS happening.

What would the other end of the binoculars look like?
I did my best and that's GREAT; something this complex can't properly heal overnight. That's being realistic. God can take time for miracles, you know-- that doesn't make it any less valid or miraculous!

Also? STAY HUMBLE.
ALL of your achievements are the result of God's grace.
"If anyone should boast, let him boast in the LORD."

(REALLY; FAITH CAN & DOES SOLVE EVERY PROBLEM IN THIS BOOK)

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DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE

This is when you
reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or another. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences. Another way to understand disqualifying the positive is to think of it as all-or-nothing thinking without the "all." This way of thinking reinforces negative feelings and explains away positive ones because the only evidence for a thought that matters, is negative no matter how weak or irrelevant. The logic behind this way of thinking is… things are bad, so why not make them worse?

This way of thinking usually comes from
low self-esteem; you don't feel like you deserve the positive comment. The following example illustrates the best way to turn these thoughts around: Someone tells you that you look nice today, and you tell them all the reasons why they are wrong - look at this pimple, I hate these clothes, etc. (This is disqualifying the positive.) Next time, simply say thank you, and let it go at that. The more you practice this, the easier it will become to eliminate these types of thoughts from your mind. Generally, people don't just give you comments simply to be nice.
- GRATITUDE IS A MASSIVELY POWERFUL VIRTUE. It springs from humility, sparks joy, fuels patience, is anchored in faith, warms hope, ignites courage, & overflows with love.

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List three of your own examples of disqualifying the positive:


1) Thinking I'm "stupid" because I don't (yet) have the intelligence/ knowledge/ smarts I "should have"
2) Thinking I'm an awful musician/artist because I'm not a virtuoso or old master "right now"
3) Thinking I'm "inherently evil" because I was rude or selfish or foolish even in little ways-- this one is both the trickiest & easiest because ALL humans struggle with sin and we ALWAYS will in this fallen world, BUT! CHRIST HAS CONQUERED THE WORLD! God created us TO BE GOOD-- even better, Genesis 1:31 says that He saw His creation of us as VERY GOOD. It was only Adam's fall, ignorant and brought about by doubtful disobedience, that brought about sinfulness in us… and so it also is that through Christ, the NEW Adam, in His love & trust & obedience to God's wisdom, that we are RESTORED to being "very good," to being FORGIVEN-- even Adam himself!-- and freed to LIVE as such, IN Christ, THROUGH Christ, by virtue of love, in which the spirit of the Law is made perfect, in which we cannot do evil ("remain in me… and you will bear good fruit"), and in which ALL of these thought distortions become incomprehensible.

Satan feeds these falsehoods because he hates to see God and His virtue glorified; he's miserable & hateful & angry & envious and above all he is a LIAR & saboteur. Don't even give him the time of day. Walk in God's love and you'll be okay.

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LABELING AND MISLABELING

This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, (I got six questions wrong on yesterday's math test) you attach a negative label to yourself (I am so stupid, I just can't do math). Labeling and mislabeling involves describing an event that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. Once a negative label becomes an automatic thought it can easily act as a self-fulfilling prophecy. That means that when you tell yourself something long enough, you begin to believe it.
- Words are powerful-- use them wisely. Remember the Book of Night With Moon! There is ALWAYS hope, ALWAYS a way to change… and Christ is the Way AND the Word!

The negative labels we apply to ourselves and others in our automatic thoughts are almost always vague and unclear because they are automatic. Here is an example of Donna labeling herself after cheating on her diet. "What a fat pig I am, I'll never be thin and pretty."

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Can you think of any comments you make to yourself that fit this category?
How did these comments make you feel? What could you say to yourself next time?


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★EMOTIONAL REASONING

You assume that your negative emotions reflect the way things really are: I feel it, therefore it must be true. Even though emotions are normal, it is not healthy for these emotions to control your thinking. People who allow themselves to get caught up in emotional reasoning can become completely blinded to the difference between feelings and facts. This is important because we can't reason well on the basis of emotions, and if we try we almost always make our problems worse.

Here's an example: Laura sees the book she needs to read to finish her book report and feels
overwhelmed by the amount of pages she needs to read. This is hopeless, she says to herself. Why should I even try? Laura has based her opinion of the situation on how it makes her feel, not how it really is. When a situation feels overwhelming to you, break down the task into smaller ones, and then prioritize what is most important to you. Now, do the first task on your list. Believe it or not, you will begin to feel better and ready for more. The important thing is to just do something towards your goal, no matter how small. It's a start and it will break you out of feeling helpless.
- God took SIX DAYS, BROKEN INTO STEPS, to create the universe… and then he even rested! If HE didn't do "everything all at once," YOU DON'T HAVE TO EITHER.

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Can you think of a situation when you based your reasoning on emotions? Write it below.
What should you do next time you are faced with a situation like this?


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PERSONALIZATION
★childhood tendency

You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event, which in fact you were not primarily responsible for. When I personalize, I assume the guilt for things that go wrong outside of my control. I see things as my fault that I couldn't have prevented. To understand personalization better, think of it as the opposite of blame.

BLAME
(JOHN 9:3)

When I blame, I shift the responsibility for my mistake to somebody else.
(THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT AND I NEVER SAW IT THIS WAY BEFORE.)
Behind both forms of this cognitive distortion lies the assumption that if anything goes wrong, it must be somebody's fault. This distortion believes that there are no mistakes or accidents, there is always someone to blame. (!!!)

Many children come into the hospital believing that they do not need to be here, and blame the admission on parents who lied about their behavior. Also common reasons for coming to the hospital are difficulty coping with the death of a loved one, and many children believe that they are somehow responsible for the death of that person. They believe they could have done something to have stopped the death. Other situations children personalize are divorce of parents, family problems, or abuse that has occurred to them or a loved one.

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List a situation in which you personalized the outcome.

Basically EVERY time my grandmother feels sick or in pain, I'm terrified that it's the direct result "of my sinfulness" -- either as "punishment" that should have been mind, or as an actively inflicted suffering from my "being so bad." In reality I want her to be well & happy SO BADLY that I misguidedly hope I can take it away, like a literal scapegoat, if I attribute that pain to MY sin and then demand that I carry the "just desserts."

Now describe a situation when you blamed someone for your actions.
Overeating. "My doctor/ nutritionist/ mother/ etc. said…" I made excuses for awful urges I gave into out of misguided good intentions, and tried to alleviate the moral confusion & hurt ("I REALLY tried but messed up" and/or "I just wanted to enjoy eating but took it too far") by blaming someone, in an obedience sense-- i.e. "I was just doing what I was told"-- because I DID feel out of control of my actions and didn't WANT to be bad but "SOMEONE'S at fault" and I was terrified of admitting it because of b&w thinking, etc.

Don't even dwell on the past here. We've learned a lot!
Now take that light with you on the road.

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MIND READING

You randomly decide that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out. In mind reading, your automatic thoughts assume the worst about what other people think about you and/or your work. Students often do this with teachers, and sadly, teachers sometimes do it with students too. A good example of this is making up someone else's mind for them without asking them for their input about what they really think. For example, "I really want to go to Sean's party, but my mom won't let me go anyway, so I'm not going to ask."

At times, everyone tries to "mind read." For example, when you have done something wrong, I'm sure you try to figure out what your parent(s) will say/do before you've actually seen your parent(s).

--------------------------------------

Try to think of a person and a situation in which you tried to read someone's mind. Describe who's mind you read, the situation, and the conclusions you made from your mind reading.

I most frequently did this w/ food allowance-- even if I was starving, I would feel unworthy of eating and/or guilty for being hungry and wanting food, and therefore ASKING for any was "sinful, selfish, gluttonous, demanding, greedy, etc." and the shame/guilt of that presupposed (but really only self-inflicted) judgment would "make me" steal food rather than face up to the allegedly inevitable damning condemnation of having asked, and therefore having "proudly ASSERTED a corrupt & hedonistic demand." Taking food, in secret, was at least an active albeit private "admittance" that such wants WERE (allegedly) wrong, and therefore SHOULD be hidden & done with all the shame & guilt they "deserved." It was an ugly, sick, self-fulfilling prophecy of doom & dead patterns, and I WANT TO ABANDON THAT FALSE BEHAVIOR FOREVER!

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FORTUNE TELLING

You can anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact. Fortune telling can be an especially dangerous cognitive distortion because your negative automatic thought about a future event can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because I expect to do poorly, I don't try very hard, what's the point? - and so, sure enough, I do a lousy job, "proving" that I was right all along. Looked at one way, fortune telling is a process of setting negative goals for yourself and then living down to them. Fortune Telling is an all-purpose excuse for giving up, and most people who fail do so because they give up.

--------------------------------------

Describe a situation in which you resorted to fortune telling, and fell victim to your own insecurities.

--------------------------------------
--------------------------------------

SHOULDING ALL OVER YOURSELF
AND
SHOULDING ALL OVER OTHERS

(humility prevents this)

JUDGE NOT!!!

You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn't
as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. (!!!) (distorted childhood thoughts)
"Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. There is a difference, however, between "should" as an automatic thought and "should" as a rational conclusion. To consistently
tell yourself that you have an obligation to do something different from what you are doing is an automatic thought. A rational conclusion means that you look at the consequences of doing something before impulsively acting.

Perhaps an example will clarify the difference. "I should be doing my homework," is an automatic thought, but "If I don't do my homework tonight, I'll have twice as much to do tomorrow" is merely a factual statement that reports the consequences of a given action.
★IF/THEN

The emotional consequence of shoulding is
guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

The behavioral result of shoulding ourselves is
procrastination. One way to break the hold of should automatic thoughts is to bring the thought out in the open and substitute the word, "choose" for the word "should." If you don't choose to do it, you don't really believe you should do it. The idea of choice moves you closer to actually doing something. A should just leads to guilt; a choice leads to action, so you are wise to think about the consequences of an action, the costs versus the benefits, before committing yourself to a choice. What you choose to do, and then do, will (to some degree, at least) change the world. What you should do will just make you miserable.

--------------------------------------

List three statements you make that "should all over yourself" or someone else.


1) "I should stop eating so much" vs "If I don't limit my food intake, I'll get very sick"
2)
3)

YOU DO NOT HAVE THE WISDOM OR AUTHORITY TO JUDGE WHAT OTHERS "SHOULD/SHOULDN'T DO." GOD ALONE DOES.
If God hasn't set up a moral standard in Scripture for what you're judging, LEAVE IT BE!

--------------------------------------



041817

Apr. 18th, 2017 09:32 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)




spiritual thoughts 041817.
 

 

leaving the legion of mary meeting today felt like dawn. the sun was setting but it felt like it was coming up-- and it strongly spoke to my heart of the risen Christ.

 

  the gospel and OBOB reading today:
mary magdalene, preoccupied with the body of Christ in the grave-- "they have taken my Lord and I don't know where they put Him;” and when she MET Christ, she was so preoccupied that she didn't recognize Him, and asked Him that, if He knew where Christ's (old!) body was, to give it to her so she could take it with her.
Basically she didn't have "resurrection eyes" yet, UNTIL he called her by name.
That means a lot to me.
First, though, I want to say that when He did this, she immediately said "Rabboni" and went to touch Him. Father P emphasized today that this was an old mindset way of thinking. He was not just "teacher." He was, as Thomas would say upon seeing Him, "my Lord and my God." Mary's need to touch his body, to reassure herself of the old tangible life she remembered and loved, was rooted ultimately in not yet understanding that he had risen. Hence, "do not hang on to me."
Jesus, risen and resurrected, had to die first. He literally DIED. He left His body, he went down into Gehenna for heaven's sakes, he freed all the just souls there to eternal life with and in Him at long last… and then, he came back, here. He came back here. But, He is the ONLY human to ever have done so, as He is also God, and death has no power over Him. Nevertheless it brings up the question. When He arose, when his divine soul returned into his poor bloodied and battered body, and glorified it into something luminous and new… what, exactly, occurred? Perhaps we'll never really "know." But we can see this event with an open heart and "resurrection eyes."
There's a painting I'm using as my wallpaper right now, of Jesus meeting Mary Magdalene in the garden by His now-empty tomb. It's beautiful and green and soft and hopeful, with a dawn light, with the quiet but bursting-with-joy, lily-gold exuberance that defines Easter morning.
Her face doesn't hold that yet. Her eyes are visibly teary, her face lined subtly with sorrow, but there's hope in those eyes. In this moment, I think, something in her heart has recognized Jesus even if her mind has not. It's the moment before he calls her by name. That split second, after she sorrowfully pours our her heart and begs for her beloved Savior's broken body, the visible absence of which is unbearable in light of the loss of his physical life-- that split second after her plea, as the "gardener" opens his mouth and says, "Mary."
So let's get back to that. The name thing.
Jesus calls me by name a lot. Just my name-- or, rather, one of my "three" names; Jessica, Jewel, and Jescha/ Iscah. But really, it's my given name that means the most. It's the name that has held all my faults and sins and mistakes, but when Jesus says it, He says it with love. He says it with recognition of hope, of who I was created by Him to be, of who I can STILL be, in every moment, through and with and in Him, no matter who else calls my name with what intentions. When Jesus calls me, it's like He's naming the stars all over again. It's like He's christening me (how fitting!) all over again. It's a Baptism of speech, a simple gentle fragile powerful beautiful inundation of love, held like a little bird nestled in his hands, held all bound up in roses within my spring-soft name.
When Jesus calls me, my eyes are opened, too, and I see not only Him as He is, but I see myself as I am… how He sees me. And my eyes are opened to my own resurrection within His.
Such requires me to have died with Him as well.
And I'm okay with that. I've always been 100% okay with that, and that's a hidden mysterious blessing that, quite frankly, I like thinking about.
Since childhood, I've been enamored with Christ's Sacred Heart, with Mary's Immaculate Heart, but even more so, with the fact that those Hearts are pierced. They are beautiful, but bleeding.
Remember that one prayer card.

 

 
(later) 

…The one thing that upsets me the most about my struggle with this eating disorder is that everyone will just stand and watch.
Today I binged on avocados and ice cream, and the whole time, my grandfather and mother knew I was hurting myself and knew I would get sick and yet they just sat and watched. Then when I ran to the bathroom to purge it in a regretful sick angry sad panic, they started to talk amongst themselves, about how bad I was, about what I ate, about how I kept throwing up, etc.
But they won't do anything to stop it. Why?
I don't want to entertain the thought or even think about it. I have to solve this on my own, with God's help of course. But it is upsetting, to realize that on some level, I suppose they'd rather say "I told you so" than prevent the bad thing from happening. Do they maybe feel I won't listen?
I want to listen. I want to NOT do the bad things in the first place.
Ugh but this topic is turning my stomach. Better to not dwell on the bad! Better to set my sight on higher, better things, and leave all that junk in the past to rot, where it belongs. If you don't carry it to the present, guess what, it won't follow you.

 

Tomorrow I might sleep in (I need rest) but I don't want to skip morning mass. I adore morning mass.
I just have to see my therapist at noon and I want to cancel because I just… really don't want to go. 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (angel)

TO GIVE UP:

overeating
vomiting
eating from jars
chips
chocolate
sugar
peanut butter
luxury foods
shopping at wegmans

 
TO DO MORE:

pray daily books
read holy books
give money to poor
reimburse all taken from family

 

day four: saturday, 030417

isaiah 58 psalm 86 luke 5
 

1. go to confession
focus on God's tender mercy and love, the grace of which will lift you out of repeated sins.

 

2. give $2.
got a letter from the st francis de sales missions concerning the 7.8 earthquake in equador.
I will be donating $25.
see jesus in those "condemned to death" by hunger, war, and poverty. reflect on this, and help if possible.

 
3. Jesus is the divine physician. turn to him in your sickness of sin, for he is all-loving, and he will heal you.
remember that God loves you even in your physical ills, and that he seeks the healing of your soul and heart above all else.

 
4. following Jesus requires no preliminary steps or preparation. there is only one step: follow him.

leap into that following Christ wholeheartedly.
visit an elderly person.

 
5. Jesus was not politically correct, He upheld Truth, and the dignity of all human persons.
the Church is opposed to homosexual acts & marriage, abortion, cloning, euthanasia, contraception, divorce, & remarriage.
the Church is also called to actively respect and care for the unborn, handicapped, sick, and dying.
follow Jesus even if no one else comes with you, at all.
give special thought and prayer to all those affected by the above issues, and clean your heart of any leaning towards them.
Jesus came to call sinners, not the righteous; gently bring His Truth to someone affected by one of the above issues today?

 

6. Christ reached out to save sinners, to heal those who needed healing.
today, I will find a way to minister to the outcasts in my own community, like Christ did.

 
7. pray for Jesus to be with you at EVERY moment and EVERY place, for the strength & courage to be faithful through Lent until Easter.
pray for this especially at mealtimes.

 

8. Good Friday is God's Valentine's Day, when He revealed His Heart for all the world to see, sparing no expense to draw us closer to Him. God's love is an infinite well we can reach into when ours becomes worn; it is the endless source of our love for others.
pray for God to pour His love into my heart today, that I may love others from the depth of my soul, as He loved me.
practice feeling this deep Christlike love towards those in my life that are "hard to love" for whatever reason. make it soft instead!

 

9. at the center of our worship is a table, and a meal. God, becoming food, saves us for life in a literal sense as well as a spiritual one.
"there is always a bare table awaiting our contribution." practice more spiritual and corporal acts of mercy.
who is welcome at your table-- literally and figuratively? is it wide enough to include the folks Jesus ate with?
who eats with you? who do you invite?
I usually eat alone; this feels selfish. open your heart and SHARE your mealtime.
table talk: helps deepen understanding and friendship.
grandpa always talks to me. so does mom! listen to them both more wholeheartedly.
who is in need of a share of your food-- literally and figuratively?
practice welcoming more people to your table. practice sharing more of your food with those in need. be generous like Christ.

 

10. "coming out" is difficult for people. even if this goes against our belief, we must not be pharisees, but Christ. accept, don't reject, the person.
say this to all it applies to: "I love you. You're still my friend/ brother. I'll always be by your side. How can I help? What do you need?"
it is not my job to convict or condemn. Jesus calls me instead to show compassion and unconditional love for all. I am a sinner too, remember.

 

11. trust Jesus and follow him, right now, no matter where he leads you. we must make friends in those new places for His sake-- and those friends are often those that the world does not want to befriend. those people are the ones Christ came to save and embrace, though.
visit a food pantry or soup kitchen this week. offer your food AND your company to the hungry.
try to make a new friend FROM an "outcast" group-- someone poor, handicapped, elderly, and/or sick.
treasure your friendship with Linda.

 

12. do good for God, not for recognition and approval by family and friends. do good for the sake of God, even if no one sees or knows, ever, but God. living in God's presence is a far greater joy than any earthly glory. live in relation to Him at all times, in secret but deeply zealous and honest love.
how might I better remember God's loving presence in ALL my daily actions?
do a solid work of good in secret. bonus points if you really want someone to notice-- sacrifice that feeling and feel loving service to God instead.

 

13. the Gospel allows us to know the real Jesus, who speaks to our hearts so profoundly He changes our life in an instant, and we too leave all to follow Him. the Gospel is the source of Christian joy, the source of all our treasure and hope.
reflect extra on the Gospel today, to get to know Jesus better.
carry a little Gospel with you, in a pocket or purse, to keep on hand and turn to always..
I always carry a NT with me-- now write down your favorite verses and carry them to share them!

 

14. because God first loved us, we are compelled to act on that divine impulse. in spite of fear or timidity, God gives us the grace to move forward in love. we must evangelize in that same spirit of unconditional love that Jesus called us to Him with, and we must do so in that same salvation-rooted joy.
read Isaiah 58: 9-14, and reflect on it.
seek those who have fallen away-- stand at the crossroads and welcome the outcast.
respond to the needs of others, especially when you feel inner resistance.
restore what is wounded and/or lost in your life, or in the lives of those around you.
hold with tenderness the brokenness of others, as well as your own.

 

15. the Christian Sabbath is on Sunday, representing the day Jesus rose from the dead-- when God brought His light into the darkness of our sinful world, effectively "recreating" us through His Son.
rest in God on this Sabbath day, putting aside your own duties to do so. delight in Him instead, and in everything you do today.
reflect on the new Creation brought to us through Jesus' birth and death-- the gates of heaven opened, the power of sin and death broken, our own souls redeemed to life.

 

 


prismaticbleed: (Default)


THE PRISMBLOOD CATHEDRAL SYSTEM

~2000-2015+



GENERAL INFORMATION

According to our therapists, we have what is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. In our terms, this simply means that we are a multitude of individuals all residing within one physical body.
We are an unusual case however, as our System was created specifically to function internally, as this was not only our original core's "default" state of existence, but also because we experienced significant inner trauma more often than we experienced outer trauma. Because of this, most of our members rarely "front" in the body as they have no need to (their roles concern our inner life).
Due to a lack of social interaction, a rather dysfunctional family, and an all-consuming imagination, the original child grew up with a very unusual view of reality, colored by magical thinking and an ignorance of how other, non-troubled individuals functioned. As this way of life did not alter until the body was about 17, our inner world reflects this weird and wonderful perspective.
Our System runs on a set of complex but fantastic rules, which some have compared to an RPG or a video game, but which is honestly how our core individuals see the world. There is a great deal of symbolism here, as well as a great emphasis on the power of thought, and the importance of love. Despite the terrors we have  all experienced, our lives together make a strangely inspiring tapestry of growth and wisdom, a long and arduous tale that ultimately reaches a happiness we once thought unattainable. The often "fantastic" operations of our inner world only serve to compliment that, helping us all believe that nothing is impossible, and that we can all rise above and beyond the painful dregs of fear we were born from.

 


VOCABULARY
We have a large and varied vocabulary of System-related terms that are often confusing or vague to those outside of headspace, or unaware of our structure. Following is an alphabetical list of those terms, with definitions.

active: A term meaning "actively accessible or functioning." Refers to both alters and locations.

alter: Interchangeable with "headvoice."

anchor: The "purpose" of a headvoice, and a requirement for manifestation. Anchors occur when sufficient mental energy is focused on a certain quality or concept that is detached from other System members. This collected energy then coalesces into a headvoice, who then acts as both a protector and manifestation of that concept or quality, which in turn becomes their "function." Anchors can be benevolent or malevolent, and they can change, although this is a difficult process. Anchors will bond to fitting Spectrum colors if and when they become strong or important enough within the System. Also see "function."
anchor, level: The level of headspace that a headvoice typically (or exclusively) lives and works within. This level is determined by function, but is unaffected by color. Level anchors can only change if an alter's function changes accordingly (a rare and difficult process), or if they are promoted to Central.
anchoring: The process of finding, solidifying, or gaining an anchor. Often interchangeable with "manifestation" when the individual anchoring has not had a solid form prior to doing so, and gains one afterward.

archivists: Alters whose function it is to manage and distribute stored memory information to other alters. Originally called "data voices."

atonement: The process of physically scarring the body in order to "bleed out" internal corruption, as is the mandatory post-hack procedure. Atonement began in 2010 when the true motive of hacks was discovered.

atoners: Old name for Retributors.

beetles: Insects first seen in the Chthonic levels, color unknown. They appear to be benevolent, and helped save Infinitii's life.

blackspace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Blackspace deals with organics and the subconscious. It is an unending realm of raw Black energy, effectively the "cosmic womb" that every alter manifests from in both body and mind. Blackspace is "below" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, liquid black ocean with no surface or walls. It is spherical in form. It cannot be consciously manipulated. Infinitii, and possibly all daemons, are intrinsically linked to this space.

body map: Also "bodymap." The visual correlation between Headspace's vertical level structure and the physical body. Roughly, Central corresponds to the brain while the Chthonic levels correspond to the lower abdomen/ base of spine.

Blood Lotus Cathedral: A massive, lotus-shaped cathedral, originally discovered and formed as the "soulspace" of the 2012 Core. Although originally located in floatspace, it has since become the "heart" of Central City. It is a highly enigmatic location in recent times. May also be used as a collective "story" term for our System's past experiences.

bubblespace: The specific floatspace pocket that Infinitii resides in.

cathartic block: The situation in which an individual is unable to express and fully comprehend emotions. This is common with Plague infestation, or when Fogbank is fronting.
Central: A specific area of upper headspace within Central City, the first area to manifest in our entire inner world. It resembles a penthouse suite, located at the top of a skyscraper, overlooking the City. It has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for the Spectrum Cores in our System, who typically reside and work there. "Central" may also be used as a collective term to refer to those alters.

Central City: The main area of headspace: a small NYC-like city bordering an ocean and two large forests. Its geography resembles Rio de Janeiro.

Centralite: Any single member of Central.

channel: An "open path" in the mind/body that a headvoice uses in order to front, speak, or write.

chthonics: Alters that natively reside in the Chthonic level.

co-fronting: When two or more alters are driving the body at the same time.

color core: See "Spectrum core."

color realms: See "Realms."

core color: See "Spectrum core."
core: See "System core."
connection: In the proper context, this is a term for an act of intimate spiritual "bonding" between two or more individuals in headspace. This is a term borrowed from the Dream World Leagueworld, as it is essentially the same process. Connections can also vary in "color."

daemon: A heartspace creature born from the hidden shadows/vices of an individual: essentially, a manifestation of "what you are afraid of within yourself." A daemon is meant to promote total self-love and acceptance, while not sugarcoating or ignoring those darker sides. The daemon phenomenon has currently only been observed in humans within the System.

daemon realms: Isolated floatspace pockets that daemons typically reside in for the sake of safety and secrecy.

data voices: Original term for the Archivist alters.
destabilization: Existential "decay" that occurs when a headvoice loses their anchor, due to function collapse or corruption. It is often lethal.

downstairs: A term used to refer to the physical world/life outside of headspace: essentially what our body must participate in to survive.
driving: a term for the process of a headvoice directly and consciously controlling the physical body. Adopted because this often feels like driving a car or similar machine, something separate from the actual self. Interchangeable with "fronting."

ego:

a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness
faceless: Literally, "without a manifested form." Most socials, splinters, and voices are faceless, and therefore very hard to identify.

faceless voices: Any headspace-originated "voice" that does not have a manifested form. Not interchangeable with 'floating voices.'

floating voices: A non-alter "voice" heard outside the head. These voices can be either helpful or actively harmful, usually the latter, yet it is often difficult to tell the difference. They may claim to be angels, demons, aliens, guides, etc. Floating voices predate the System's formation by several years. They also appear to be frightened or intimidated by System members, especially Laurie and Infinitii, and will "disappear" if such individuals make themselves known.

floatspace: Any visitable place in headspace/heartspace that has no fixed location, or which exists specifically in a non-physical place. These locations are frequently "self-contained" and very small.

fragment: …

See "splinter."

neutrality splinter. conscious in trauma or meltdowns. goal is to simply exist of the world
unhinged, emotionless, deep inspiration drive, possible alternate creation ability, silent, fragile, strange, detached, connected. despite unsettling demeanor, feels universally, completely open

fronter: A headspace individual who regularly fronts in the body, or if used in the active sense, the current individual doing so.
fronting: When a headvoice directly controls the body as its presenting consciousness. Interchangeable with "driving."

function: The role which a headvoice is sworn to fulfilling. Headvoices with unstable or unclear functions can die from the lack of stabilization, while those with "function overload" may corrupt to an equally lethal extreme. Also see "anchor."

function, inborn: A function that was inherent in an alter upon their manifestation.

function, inflicted: A function that was bestowed upon an alter after their manifestation. This is rare, and most frequently occurs when destabilization and/or anchor slippage occurs.

function overload: Occurs when an alter takes their function to a destructive and/or malevolent extreme, resulting in slippage and possibly destabilization.

Fusion:

ghosting: When an outspacer "half-appears" in the physical realm, as an intuitively perceptible being, in order to accompany the current fronter (typically a Core). Headvoices can also do this, but it must be learned, and it is difficult for them to remain ghosting for long.

graves: The series of 42 linear scars up and down the body's forearms. They were the first retributive actions taken, when it was discovered that hacks were destroying the creativity tied to the Leagueworlds, effectively "aborting" potential worlds and individuals before they had a chance to manifest. Laurie mandated that every hack from then on must be followed by a scar-- a "grave" for those lost as a result.
hack: A malevolent and typically traumatic attack from inside the System. Hacks can be either physical (forced fronting and abuse of the body) or non-physical (psychological warfare, induced nightmares). The term itself refers to both the brutal, sudden pain and terror of such incidents (i.e. "to deal cutting blows"), and the technological slang of "breaking into (a server) from a remote location to steal or damage data." Hacks are always perpetrated by corrupted individuals, most notably Julie (in the old timelines) and Sharona.

hack, dream: A hack that occurs while asleep, during a nightmare. Typically bleeds over into the body, but this can be prevented if a benevolent force intervenes in-dream.
headspace: The huge inner world we all reside in. It is a catchall term for all locations within, as long as they are related to the System. As of 2014 the term "heartspace" is now used to refer to Central's active living location, while "headspace" refers to the inner world at large, and Central prior to 2014.
headvoice: A non-corporeal individual born from headspace, within headspace. This term is interchangeable with the common DID term "alter."

heartspace: A replacement term for "headspace," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly indicate our function and purpose, as opposed to the hackers and floating voices.

heartvoice: A replacement term for "headvoice," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly distinguish between alters and the floating voices. It is usually used to refer to Centralites.
holder: Also "slot holder." Used to refer to any headvoice that is anchored to a color slot.

insects: Also "bugs." The myriad of insects that have been observed within our System, on multiple levels. Their purpose is unknown. They can be either benevolent or malevolent.
inspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world is a Leagueworld. See "outspacer."

invisible audience: A humorous term referring to the theoretical "readers" of our online posts.

Jewel: A prestigious title given to the Cores in our System that have connections to Dream World.
Jewel bloodline: A collective referral to the many artist fronters that have held the "Jewel" title in some way. This "bloodline" of function began in 2002, and has continued through at least four other individuals since then. The phenomenon itself is tied to the Leagueworlds and as such we know little about it.
johnny-nighter: A term referring to a night when we do not sleep, and instead stay awake typing nonstop until 5 or 6 AM. Sleep after that point is optional. Coined in 2009, a reference to the JTHM comic quote: "I don’t sleep; I have better things to do."

kything: A term reverently adopted from Madeleine L'Engle's books, this refers to a non-verbal, almost "spiritual" manner of communication between headspace individuals. It allows emotions, perceptions, and similar inner feelings to be shared instantly, on a level of intuitive understanding, and without the struggle of vocabulary translation. It is only possible if one is open to it.
Leagueworld: An inner world outside of headspace, which is intrinsically separate from it, and which the Jewel bloodline functions to learn and write about. There are approximately 15 of these Worlds to our current knowledge, including Dream World and Rosewindow. It is not impossible for individuals from Leagueworlds to interact with the System (e.g. Mister Sandman), but such individuals are usually reality-jumpers, and/or are similarly unhindered by their native universe limits.
Lightraye: The formal collective subtitle for both our System and the Leagueworlds (e.g. "Lightraye League," "Lightraye System"). It is also used as a surname for those in key positions there.

lilies: Flowers associated with Infinitii. Their current purpose is unknown.

limbo: "The grayish void between realms upstairs." Possibly actual Grayspace. Rarely used term, but refers to a legitimate location.

Links: Mental/spiritual connections formed between two or more individuals in two or more different worlds, "linking" them across space and time.
"When Jewel was younger, his consciousness would 'branch out' rather uncontrollably. Because of this he'd often 'catch' the vibrations of same-level individuals outside our system (i.e. media sources), effectively creating a sort of energetic bridge for them to enter headspace if they so wished. Few individuals were able to enter, though, and even fewer were able to stay. Those who did exhibited a peculiar sort of "resonance" with our inner energy field that effectively made them just as much a part of this system as we are, and may even be mandatory for such a scenario."

Lotus Cathedral: The "Leagueworld" title for our System; essentially, what we call the "story" of our lives. Originally synonymous with "Blood Lotus Cathedral."

Lower headspace: The level of headspace immediately below Midspace, but above the Underground. It holds "triggered" alters who are not destructive.
manics:

manifestation: The process of forming or solidifying a body within headspace.

massacre: A term referring to one specific reset event on December 28th 2013, in which Cannon and Jessica attempted to kill every existing headvoice and therefore destroy the System. It was nearly successful-- active headspace was nearly razed, and both active Cores were presumed dead. The System did survive but regeneration has been an arduous process, as we are effectively starting from base zero this time.

metainomen:

metainomenai: Plural form of “metainomen.”

Midspace: "Middle headspace." The level of headspace at 'street level.' It is effectively neutral, and holds alters who are passively benevolent. Social alters of such function may also appear here.
midspacer: An alter who natively resides in Middle Headspace, or "midspace." During the early days of the Spectrum this term instead referred to all outspacers/inspacers.

mindspill: A term for an archival entry written mostly via the A.P., enabling for rapid cycling of "authors" without the stress of having to front or enter the body to do so. Mindspill entries are rarely capitalized, may not contain grammar, and typically jump between several topics without necessarily concluding any.

Mirror Oasis (Room):

mistranslation: A term referring to circumstances upon which a certain experience and/or expression cannot find a fitting outlet and is forced into another, often harmful context. Typical in hacks.

old girls: Any of the destructive and/or malevolent alters that existed prior to Jewel becoming the core. Typically refers to Jessica or Jezebel, but also includes several faceless voices.

original child: The unidentified, possibly unsalvageable individual that assumedly lived in this body prior to headspace's inception. S/he may exist only in broken pieces of alters by this point.

overlay: Occurs whenever a headvoice fronts in the body. It is an intuitive "mask" of the headvoice's actual appearance, superimposed upon the physical form to decrease dysphoria and increase coherent functioning. Considered a sort of "personal identification" as fronters can often be retroactively identified by looking ath their overlay records. Only faceless voices do not emit overlays.
outspace: Physical, body-experienced reality, i.e. anything outside of headspace. Also called "the waking world."
outspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world exists outside of headspace, typically from a media source. Also called "walk-ins," along with inspacers. These individuals are similar to "soulbonds" in multiple systems, although we do not often use that term. They differ from headvoices in both role and behavior, and are not inherently tied to the System, although it imposes strict requirements on any eligible individuals. It is not uncommon for outspacers to be suddenly blocked from entering headspace in disaster situations.

Plague: A self-aware mass of corrupted White energy, that has taken up residence within headspace. Its true age is unknown, as it did not begin evidencing until after the Tar gained its own physical form. The Plague's main vices are pride and apathy, and it appears to seek only the passive annihilation of the System-- a reset which would be unrecoverable from.

plague rooms:

(attempted hack of whitespace)

programming: Internalized subconscious behavior and/or thought processes that are typically harmful and devoid of self-awareness and personal truth.

raw headspace: The ethereal material that our entire inner world is built from. See "whitespace" and "blackspace."

realms: Also "color realms." Refers to a specific area of heartspace that is dedicated to alters of a specific Spectrum color. This is a post-massacre phenomenon and as such, not much is yet known about it.
reset attempt: An attempt to annihilate the System, with or without hope of regeneration.

reset: A "successful" reset attempt. None have been permanently successful, but all have had serious and often traumatic lasting consequences.

resurrection: The phenomenon in which a 'dead' alter is suddenly brought back to life. This can only occur at the will of the System itself.

Retributor: An alter whose main role is to deliver atonement. Collectively "Retributors."

roses:
Scratch: A term which refers to one specific hard-reset event that occurred on February 24th 2013, in which our current fronter attempted to annihilate the entirety of headspace, and return to a pre-trauma mindset. Although ultimately unsuccessful, the Scratch attempt had such severe and permanent consequences that we now refer to our current time as "post-Scratch," and the time before the 24th as "pre-Scratch."

slippage: Also "slipping." Markedly out-of-character or corrupted behavior, which occurs when an alter begins to lose their anchor or corrupt their function. This is a "warning" phenomenon and it is not lethal unless allowed to continue unchecked.
slots: Also "color slots." A term for any color in the Spectrum held by a headvoice. For example, Laurie Uberich holds the VIOLET slot. This means that her energy resonance is VIOLET, and no other headvoice can hold that exact color while she does.
socials: A casual term for a group of mostly-unidentified voices who front the most frequently, due to not having body anchors. Also called "social fronters."

soulbond: An adopted term, referring to Outspacers.
Spectrum, The: A collective term for either 1. the sixteen energetic "color slots" that define the function of our System, or 2. the headvoices in our System that are anchored to these color slots (as such it does NOT include faceless voices).

Spectrum core: The main hue of each Spectrum color slot. There are sixteen: Red, Brown, Orange, Yellow, Lime, Green, Aqua, Sky, Blue, Indigo, Violet, Pink, Cerise, Gray, White, and Black. Each color has approximately six main subslots. Also "color core" or "core color."

spiders: Insects of the Yellow realms. They are typically malevolent.
splinter: A zombie-like alter that has "broken off" of another, typically a Core. They are not truly conscious, having no true anchor or sense of self, and may instead become puppets for the Tar/Plague. This phenomenon was recognized in 2011, although it existed for some time prior. See "fragment."

splintering: The negative process in which a core "breaks" into two or more separate individuals, due to trauma or forced compartmentalization.
"We thought she was born from my 'lost' energy, optimism, childhood innocence, and kindness, but that had never really been lost. I had splintered. The real me HAS all of that, the me talking right now IS all of that! I never lost it. Thanatos and Fragment are a median system. It scares me, I won't deny that, but now I understand why I splintered like that. Laurie's motivation is to keep me safe and bright, above all else. And in my past, I didn't know what that entailed. So I broke myself into pieces without realizing it, because I didn't think those pieces could safely be part of me."

stabilization: The adjustment period immediately following an alter's manifestation, during which they become less "impulse" and more of an individual.

sub-hue: See subslot.

subslot: A Spectrum hue of a certain color that is not the Core color. For example, Gold is a subslot of Yellow. Also "sub-hue."

System Core: An alter who acts as the "main consciousness" for the System, ideally fronting whenever possible and acting as a focal point for the System's well-being. Central is dedicated to the aid and assistance of the current Core. Cores tend to change every 2-3 years, or after a sufficiently traumatic event.

System, The:

It may also be used as a general collective term for all the alters in headspace/heartspace.
Tar: a self-aware mass of corrupted Black energy, that has taken up residence below active headspace. It is assumed to be the second true member of our System, having been created simultaneously with Julie, and eventually overtaking her, due to the highly negative circumstances of their joint manifestation. The Tar ceaselessly perpetuates pain and trauma within headspace, as it needs these things in order to survive. Although it rarely acts directly, it frequently uses others for its own ends, either through forced control or psychological warfare. Even so, it has created a splinter named Jezebel for the sake of direct interaction. The Tar almost exclusively targets Jay and Infinitii, our Cores, since they directly threaten its existence, and any damage to them harms the entire System.

tar rooms:

(originally hacked into blackspace!)

thanatos drive: The "death drive" experienced by damaged Cores. (Cannon era only??)

exists solely to destroy the self. highly abusive. unable to interact. goal is to end personal existence

death drive. conscious in high stress. almost always conscious after hacks
entirely destructive, disconnected, purposeless, positive incomprehension, violent, driven, retributive, hopeless, angry

 

timeline: …

timeline, dead: …

trigger: …

Underground:

A specific level of lower headspace that contains very dangerous individuals, and so is not easily/ typically accessible.
upstairs: A casual term for "everything non-physical/ inside (our head)," for when more specific jargon would be baffling.
voices: A term for the faceless "voices" heard by fronters in the body, which may or may not ever anchor into actual headvoices. Voices are frequently manipulative and/or malevolent. Interchangeable with "floating voices."

walk-in: The original term for "outspacer." Taken from the fact that they all "walked in" to headspace from the physical world.

whitespace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Whitespace deals with inorganics and the conscious mind. It is an unending realm of raw White energy, effectively the "blueprint" that all of headspace manifested from. Whitespace is "above" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, luminous white space with a floor but no walls or ceiling. It is cubic in form. It can be limitlessly manipulated, but will only take on fixed shapes or forms, otherwise it will appear inert. In the early days of headspace, this is all that existed of our inner world, until Central manifested around 2009.

Xanga session: Slang for a stream-of-consciousness conversation held by two or more alters within headspace and written to a computer in realtime. Named after the website on which we originally hosted these conversations. These sessions typically last several hours.
: …

: …

: …

 



LEVELS OF HEADSPACE
We have identified several distinct "levels" of headspace.
It's easiest to think of the first five in a vertical fashion, but space doesn't quite work that way up here.

CENTRAL (UPSTAIRS)
This level refers almost entirely to Central City, the "hub" of our inner world. The landmark of this city is a skyscraper-like building referred to simply as "Central." This building is where the core-anchored headvoices reside, as it has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for them.
The inhabitants of Central are all tied to proper System function, especially the maintenance of the System itself and the care of its myriad inhabitants. Their anchors reflect the core energy colors. Laurie is the protector of the Upstairs, and by her own extension, the entire System as well.
MIDDLE HEADSPACE
Often "Midspace."
We referred to this level as "downstairs" for a while, but that became confusing as "downstairs" actually refers to physical reality for us, so we dropped this double usage.

LOWER HEADSPACE

Lower headspace is more strongly connected to raw consciousness than Central or Midspace; as a result it is typically fluid and highly mutable, with few 'fixed' areas. Lowers frequently work with the Undergrounders.
UNDERGROUND
Refers to a level of headspace below Central City, thought to be virtually inaccessible prior to 2012. The main habitable areas of it resemble basilica cisterns, and/or cathedral cloisters. Deeper, less hospitable areas resemble caves or catacombs, and often have an eerie red glow. At least one such area appears infested with massive insects. Exploring the Underground is highly dangerous and not recommended, as the Tar also resides there, albeit in a currently-unknown location. The exact size and extent of the Underground is unknown. This level also does not seem to follow the same rules of space that upper levels of headspace do.
The inhabitants of the Underground are all tied to trauma on some level. Their anchors may be coping methods, preventative actions, or the trauma itself. Knife is the protector of the Underground.

THE CHTHONIC LEVELS
Refers to a level of headspace below the Underground, which we were not aware of until 2014.

We know very little about it, at it is highly inhospitable, and those residing there are not welcoming of intruders or visitors.

This level is very organic in structure, resembling a massive cave formation. Its main area consists of a large underground body of water.

FLOATSPACE
Small "pocket locations" of headspace that are self-contained in raw headspace. Leon's cathedrals were the first example of such places we became aware of.

RAW HEADSPACE
Technically not a "level" at all, raw headspace does not even hold a mappable location. Rather, it is a term to refer to the "unformed" areas of headspace, blank white expanses of infinite potential. It is not impossible to enter them, just very difficult. Raw headspace can also be seen whenever a location begins to deteriorate, or when a location is not fully formed. This is what the entirety of headspace was until approximately 2002, when it began to solidify into the beginnings of the Downstairs.
Jay is commonly seen as the "protector" of raw headspace, as he is the White slot holder, and therefore has the most influence over it.

DAEMON REALMS

INFINITII'S BUBBLE
An entire level unto itself, the Bubble is literally a small, tangible sphere of encapsulated headspace. It was created by Infinitii in February 2013, and it is where he resides. Jay wears it as a necklace, attached to a silver chain, at Infinitii's behest. He has also procured a similar physical necklace in the waking world, for the sake of fronter interaction with Infinitii.
The Bubble is highly unique, as it is a floating level, and therefore exists within whatever other level it is brought into. It is bigger on the inside than on the outside, although upon entering it one will appear to "shrink." The inside is shaped like a large dome, and from within it one can still perceive the outside world as through translucent glass above. This fact can be used to produce a bizarre "recursive reality effect" if Jay enters the Bubble, as the view from "outside" will therefore reflect the interior. Lastly, the Bubble can only be entered or exited at Infinitii's command, as it exists for the sole purpose of keeping him safe from danger as long as the Tar still exists.

 

 


ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this is not often the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.
As of 2015, sixteen different color slots have been identified. Each of these has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.


THE SPECTRUM
Due to the very substance of headspace being organized into colors, it is only fitting that those who were born from it exhibit connections to those same hues.
This phenomenon of color functions is the most pervasive aspect of our inner world, and as such it is difficult for us to fully grasp. Furthermore, since headspace itself exhibits its own strange sort of consciousness, the Spectrum itself is no exception. It shifts and evolves of its own volition, sometimes dramatically, according to what is needed for headspace to function properly. No one has been able to manipulate or otherwise influence the behavior of the Spectrum, not even the cores. Perhaps this is for the best, as it exhibits a wisdom in its silent management that we could only guess at ourselves.

The Spectrum itself is the groundwork of our entire System. It serves to organize and maintain proper order in headspace, making sure every headvoice has a proper role.
Each Spectrum color has one "core slot," which reflects that basic hue (the core slot of Red is Red). It also has several "sub-slots," which include shades and tints of that same color, and whose functions reflect variations on that color's basic energy (sub-slots of Green include Sage and Jade).
Ideally, all headvoices hold a color slot. Most headvoices manifest already anchored to a fitting color, thanks to energy resonance: if their function or origin is clear, they will naturally reflect whatever color matches it most closely. This is seen most often with Core slot holders.
However, not all individuals in headspace are part of the Spectrum. Faceless voices and outspacers must find solid anchors/functions before they can become part of the Spectrum. Nevertheless, all non-Spectrum individuals still display a sort of "resonance" with one or more colors; it is simply clarity that they lack. Once clarity of function is found, individuals naturally gravitate to a fitting color slot.
Black & White energies are unique as they inherently hold all other colors within them, and they are also the only colors capable of existing in a solidly corrupted state (the Tar & Plague). Negative B/W qualities CAN bleed over into any other slot, or infect more directly through temporary "possession" (e.g. Julie and Laurie both having some Black abilities), but this poses a high risk of often-fatal destabilization to those affected. Positive B/W bleedover is more subtle, usually only manifesting in powerfully specific but heartfelt situations (Soul Forms, the Angel Helmet).

A headvoice in a core slot will not only reflect the basic attributes of that energy color, but they will also act as a guardian of that energy within headspace, and all those who use it. All core slot holders typically reside in Central headspace due to their important roles. Sub-slot holders will still reflect attributes related to that core energy color, but not as strongly.

When a headvoice anchors fully into a color, their eyes and hair will match it. Any discrepancy in an anchored headvoice's eye/hair color, as opposed to their actual slot, is a telltale sign of their anchor splitting, migrating, or failing. The only exception to this rule are those in the Monochrome slots (Black/White), as they can naturally mirror any slot in the Spectrum if they so wish, and this inevitably changes their eye color.

(disclaimer for the following list: many of us went missing after the august reset. nevertheless this list includes the most recent holders.)
(C) = Central ... (D) = Downstairs ... (U) = Underground ... (M) = Midspacer... (L) = Lower... (O) = Outspacer ... (H) = Core ... (X) = ???

BROWN
CORE: Spine Hypomone (C).
BEIGE: held by Aimee (D).
TAN: possibly held by the "siren" (D)
RUSSET: held by Jayce (D).
SPICE: held by Spice (D).
CHOCOLATE: held by Overload (D).
BISTRE: held by "The Bear" (U).

RED
CORE: Javier Anastasi (C). Previously Jewel Lightraye (all). Accessible by the Monochrome holders.
BLOOD: held by Razor (U).
CRIMSON: held by Eros (X).
CHERRY: held by Zwei (D).
RUBY: held by Jewel (D,H).
MAROON: held by the "dead red" voice (D).
CADMIUM: held by Cannon (X).

ORANGE
CORE: held by Lynne Stabelle (C).
VERMILION: held by Algorith (U).
TANGERINE: held by Hyakin (M).
CORAL: held by Amara (M).
PEACH: held by Kalisha (M).
GAMBOGE: none.

YELLOW
CORE: held by Josephina Bellameire (C).
AMBER: held by Genesis Apolymis (I).
VANILLA: held by Sylvain (U?).
GOLDENROD: held by Marigold (L).
GOLD: none.

GREEN
CORE: held by Nathaniel Victoire (C).
SAGE: held by Sergei (M).
JADE: none.
OLIVE: none, previously held by Bridget (X).
LIME: held by Cel (D, H).
CHARTREUSE: possibly held by "the oni girl" (D?).

AQUA
(the lineup of this slot is still unsteady)
TEAL: held by Emmett (D).
MINT: held by Minty (U).
AZURE: held by Einsatz (D).
AQUA: held by Chaos 0 (O).
OCEAN: held by Garrison (M).

BLUE
CORE: Waldorf Kalliope (C).
SAPPHIRE: held by the "navy singer" (D).
SKY: held by Kyanos (M).
SLATE: possibly held by the Gent (D).
CRYSTAL: none, previously Nathaniel Victoire (C).
POWDER: none, previously held by Missy (X).
NAVY: none.

INDIGO
CORE: held by Leon Kiasi (C).
ICE: held by David (U).
DUSK: held by Ryman Saikaras (O).
SMOKE: possibly held by the "airport voice" (D).
MIDNIGHT: none.

VIOLET
CORE: held by Laurie Uberich (C).
PURPLE: held by Markus Barashir (O).
LAVENDER: held by Xenophon Lephise (I).
LILAC: held by Christina Marie (U).
MAUVE: held by Isadora (M).
PLUM: none.

PINK
CORE: held by Julie Enantios (C).
CLARET: held by Knife (U).
CERISE: held by Mulberry Delta (U).
SUGAR: held by Sugar (U).
ROSE: held by Jeremiah (U).
VICTORIAN: held by an unknown female alter (U?).

MONOCHROME (BLACK/WHITE)
BLACK: held by both the Tar (X) and Infinitii Eternos (H).
WHITE: held by Jay Iridos (H).
SILVER: held by Mister Sandman (I).
GRAY: held by Sherlock (M).
STORM: none.


Chaos 0's current slot (originally Cyan, then Aqua) is currently unknown, as his manifestation changed dramatically post-reset. Assumedly it is of the Teal lineup.

Julie, Bridget, and Missy technically do not have solid anchors, as the latter two are splinters and Julie is infected by the Tar. However, they CAN hijack actual color cores, and have done so in the past in order to "lock out" people trying to anchor into them: Julie as Pink, Bridget as Green, and Missy as Blue. This hijacking has had negative long-term effects on all three of those slots, and those who hold connected sub-slots.

Jezebel and Sharona, two malevolent voices, seem to hold Black slots by virtue of their strong connection to the Tar. It is unknown whether or not they are capable of existing apart from it, especially since Jezebel is a splinter as well.

It is unknown whether or not the Spectrum has any opinion on the massive number of faceless/ nameless voices currently making themselves known thanks to therapy. We suppose time will tell.

 

 

 

SPECTRUM ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this was not always the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.


As of
08-23-2017, twenty-six TENTATIVE different color slots have been identified:

 

BROWN, INFRA?, RED, BLOOD, VERMILION, SUNSET, ORANGE, AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, EVERGREEN, AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE, NAVY, INDIGO, PURPLE, ULTRAVIOLET?, VIOLET, PINK, MAGENTA, CERISE, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK, CHAMPAGNE?, GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE? GLASS? MULTICOLOR????

---------------------------------------

OLDER NOTES:

 

The four "monochrome" colors can be grouped into one, leaving a total of sixteen. (two 8 point stars)

There are also SEVEN distinct color trios:

 

RED, VERMILION, ORANGE, AMBER,

YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, AQUA,

CYAN, SKY, BLUE, INDIGO,

PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

--OR??--

 

CERISE, RED, VERMILION, ORANGE,

AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN,

AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE,

INDIGO, PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

And there are EIGHT distinct color pairs:

 

RED, CYAN,

VERMILION, SKY,

ORANGE, BLUE,

AMBER, INDIGO,

YELLOW, PURPLE,

LIME, VIOLET,

GREEN, PINK,

AQUA, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY,

WHITE, BLACK.

 

 

BROWN is placed at the beginning with the REDS as it is the "BASE" hue and effectively acts as the "door" between Headspace and Bodyspace.

The MONOCHROMES are a door between Headspace and Heartspace.

 

 

Each of these hues has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.


BROWN
Attributes:

ELEMENTS: bone, earth, stone
It is connected to bone and earth and stone, to the physical anchors of life itself.
Headvoices who hold this color seem to hold a strong connection to the physical body, and/or what it experiences.
Instability in Brown manifests as
...


RED
Attributes:
purpose, creativity, drive, audacity,
- It is strongly connected to creativity, blood and the life force.
- Headvoices who hold this color seem to invariably be "artists" in some way. They have a drive to creatively express themselves, through any outlet they deem proper.
- Instability in Red manifests as rage, hedonism,
- The Red color is arguably the most mysterious in the System, as it was originally tied ONLY to the Jewel bloodline. When Jay, the most recent host-piece, permanently moved out of it in mid-2013, the slot was emptied for the first time since the System's inception.

 

VERMILLION
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Vermilion manifests as
...


ORANGE
Attributes:
composure, kindness, hospitality, amity,
Headvoices who hold this color seem to work as "balancers," keeping emotions stable and healthy but not suppressed.
Instability in Orange manifests as
...

 

AMBER
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Amber manifests as
...


YELLOW
Attributes:
vitality, power, confidence, 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Yellow manifests as
...

 

LIME
Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Lime manifests as
...


GREEN
Attributes:
balance, healing, peace, compassion
It appears to be strongly connected to the natural world, notably vegetation and insect life.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Green manifests as
*Due to Bridget's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Green seem to have a high risk of traumatic resets. Nathaniel has infamously died four times (due to either murder or stabilization failure; he was Blue AND Green though), the Sage voice was brutally killed shortly after manifesting, and Cel's identity was in shreds for years.

 

JADE/ EVERGREEN
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as
...


AQUA
Attributes:
Oddly, it appears to be connected to simple self-care, and a more childlike mindset.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Aqua manifests as
...

 

CYAN

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Cyan manifests as

 

SKY

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Sky manifests as
...


BLUE
Attributes:
communication, joy, innocence, hope
- It appears to be connected to the sky, and to reflections (not water, just reflections).
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Blue manifests as the inability to speak, depression,
*Due to Missy's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Blue have a high risk of dying. Nathaniel, Waldorf, and Kyanos have all experienced death at least once after anchoring here in the past-- Nat at Julie's hands (initially), Wally from a forced anchor freeze, and Kyanos from major stabilization failure.


INDIGO
Attributes:
truth, insight, awareness, gentleness, self-sacrifice
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Indigo manifests as panic, fear, paranoia, and confusion. This was notably visible in Leon when he first tentatively anchored into this slot.
...

 

PURPLE
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as


VIOLET
Attributes:
protection, truth, spirituality, honor, benevolence, devotion, wisdom, integrity
- Headvoices who hold this color typically dedicate or devote themselves to the protection of something, either a person or an idea. They are highly insightful and are masters of diplomacy. They also seem to have an inherent and powerful spiritual side, and greatly value integrity in this sense in both themselves and in others.
- Instability in Violet manifests as purposelessness, the need to control, doubt,
...


PINK
Attributes:
closeness, compassion, softness, elegance, union of opposites
- Headvoices who hold this color have shockingly dichotomous but non-split personalities, often displaying two opposite qualities or aspects without self-conflict (e.g. rage and gentleness).
- Instability in Pink manifests as hatred, spite, manipulation, and violence. All Pink voices have the potential to quickly become unstable so they are treated with caution.
*Due to Julie's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Pink seem invariably tied to the trauma of sexual abuse, either as sufferers or preventors.

 

CERISE
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as

 

GRAY
Attributes:
… 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as


WHITE
Attributes:
conscious, structure, order, stability, individuality, innocence, knowledge, creation through objects 
- It shows a connection to rainbows, and it displays a similar iridescence.
- Headvoices who hold this color can freely shape ANY energy, but can only work with what is given. They can change their form if they desire, but this must be deliberate and stable. They can freely edit headspace energy, but must stay within creation limits. They also can control what memories are put into the archives, although their access to the entirety of data is limited. White voices also seem to have difficulty moving through time.
- Instability in White manifests as disconnection, the inability to feel emotion, suicide
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a White core can damage the structure of headspace just as severely.


BLACK
Attributes:
unconscious, community, mutability, mystery, potential, understanding, creation through people
- It shows a connection to the night sky, and it displays an oilslick-like iridescence. Black energy is also said to taste like sugar.
- Headvoices who hold this color have highly mutable bodies, but cannot control this well; it tends to move constantly. They can "bring out the potential" of ANY headspace energy, even beyond limits, but cannot force changes. They also have full access to memory archives, but unless something is put in there, it cannot be accessed. Black voices also seem to have difficulty moving through space.
- Instability in Black manifests as loss of impulse control, loss of self, addiction
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a Black core can damage the substance of headspace just as severely.




SYSTEM MECHANICS
(aka how stuff works? its really bizarre sometimes)
...
...
It is possible for an anchored headvoice to die, and later "resurrect" without warning. This is because, if headspace has decided that individual "is supposed to live," it will actively prevent them from staying dead, or even dying in the first place, regardless of headvoice interference. The most notable examples of resurrection are Nathaniel and Infinitii, while the most notable example of nigh-immortality is Laurie.







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