the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

The past few days have been in "compressed time" mode which means that, despite only being about 100 hours, it feels as if it has been 100 days.
The "indian food" hell lasted exactly 3 days, which is typical, and stopped as suddenly as it started, thank God.
The similar tied obsession with the vanilla coconut butter lingered until today due to it having an "incredible texture" and therefore being latched onto by one of the eating socials, the young one (12? 13?) who doesn't understand suffering and genuinely is a good kid but is too careless as well. Yesterday we bought a bunch and planned to save it but as usual, the "God warning" of everyone in the house suddenly swarming the kitchen the instant we try to eat happened, and lasted for several hours, so we were unable to focus. Therefore no data stuck, which was very bad because apparently we got disastrously ill from the oil content, as someone added what had to be an entire extra jar of it to the mixture. It's a blur; virtually the whole day is missing from memory.
Today we tried once more and it went well until someone actually swallowed like two spoonfuls and immediately we had a compulsive vomiting meltdown. This is not intentional; it is a body reaction and we need to be very mindful of those as they are not under our control.
We did make a good salad today, and Emmett and Aimee ate it mainly. They also "shared" it with the Phantomilian Jewel, who is the "writer Jewel" (age 12?) who has strong fronting roots and probably counts as a pseudo-core, but who, today, realized that she is NOT an artist or musician, but an idea channel. She's tied to the "outspacer root" potential, so she can't create on her own, but she can easily create within other existing contexts. Therefore she's trying to hold a Phantomilian form because not only would that reflect her more individually, but also because nonhuman forms are much, much safer. Also I should clarify that despite using "she" pronouns, this Jewel, too, counts as childhood-androgynous which basically boils down to them not giving much of a hoot about gender in general.

August has been declared to be "no addiction month" and we are extremely hopeful and grateful and excited for it. The past two weeks, as was mentioned in the previous entry here, have been similarly time-jammed in that tons of healing events are happening ridiculously fast and with actual completion tied to them. We have no idea what could have instigated this sudden dramatic progress jump (besides prayer) but we are not complaining ot picking it apart; we are simply inundated with thankfulness and are doing our absolute best to respond accordingly to such vast improvements by integrating them as quickly and entirely and smoothly as possible.

There's not much else to say about today. We are going to watch tonight's Steven Universe episode and then possibly put our thoughts together concerning the marathon so far, if we have any such thoughts. We tend to just absorb, not analyze. So despite being deeply moved and inspired by much of what we've seen in the past 10 episodes, there's not much to discuss. But we will try to make sure.

We are trying to sell more items as we are desperate to make some extra money to pay off debts ASAP. This is exhausting as the process of photos and typing and listing and all that technical work is actually mentally taxing and it wears us out very quickly. But it must be done.

We also want to get back into composing music but ever since last winter's computer crash, the program hasn't worked properly. We aren't sure how to fix it, as we lost half our instruments and half our files, and furthermore the files we have left largely won't open or play. So that alone destroyed a lot of our motivation.
Nevertheless we realize that there are alters built for writing music and if they have to start again from square one they probably can. We need to find them and ask them to work instead as they are the only ones who can.
One very, very notable thing about this topic that Jay discovered by accident while listening to the old iPod is that, for us, the most potent and powerful and instantaneous way to summon an alter is by music. Music is profoundly important to us as a whole, on every level, and its most interesting quaity is that songs are literal bubbles of time. Any given song that we know has an exact mood and time period tied to it, and this can be used for good or ill, and it is virtually impossible to rewrite or overwrite once it has been established. Certain alters are practically fused to certain songs, and those songs are the ONLY way to even find certain alters, most notably socials, as their existence requires "internal ignorance" and as a result our levels generally aren't even conscious of each other. But music bridges that gap, as far as summoning goes. This is vitally important.
The point I'm making here is, we know exactly what songs are tied to certain time periods of university and such that resonate with artists and musicians. If we can listen to those songs more and let those alters simply move in and take over-- even if they do still think it's 2009-- then we can "get back into" art and music effortlessly, because for those alters they never stopped to begin with.

Speaking of winter, it still feels as if we haven't seen a single once since 2013. Last year is missing entirely, and 2014 feels like a timeline already dead to us. We haven't quite adjusted into any sort of solid timeline in the wake of all that mess yet, but hopefully what we're experiencing now is that process finally occurring.

We have not been sleeping well, averaging between 3-5 hours a night for about two weeks now. Same with food, when we do eat it's one meal a day and barely scrapes 1000 calories if we're pushing it. We have not been keeping track due to the huge amount of switching and dissociation tied to eating but we are aware that it hasn't been smart. So this is not helping our health. We have also been too haggardly weak to exercise post-hospital but we are trying our best to at least get back into walking again. Our best option would be to start doing our nightly kitchen walks with the iPod again, as those were a solid hour of pure System meditation every day, and God knows we need that more than anything else currently.
We listened to the entire Todd Rundgren concert we recorded from earlier this year while walking about two weeks ago, and that night is already solid and beloved in our memory, just wandering in tired circles while reliving that experience and watching bone broth simmer on the stove at 12am. It's such an odd but lovely thing to have memories sticking again like that, but again, it's shown that only certain kinds of memories stick, and we need to be conscious and full of wonder and love tohave such memories. Numb and selfish and ignorant and manic alters cannot remember things.

Jay downloaded a few GBC/GBA ROMs and he is playing the Pokemon GSC trio in his downtime to help relax. That trio is very dear to our collective heart, as it was practically Jewel's native world back in 2001-2002. It has the same "at home" feeling that Nier and Klonoa and the Genesis Sonic games do-- it's hard to explain, but the simple sight of the scenery, or the sound of the music and sfx, is not only deeply comforting but also grounding. Like the general experience of those games feels safe, and right, and good and true and happy. There are a few other games that fit this bill to an extent, but when it really comes down to could I exist in this game-world as a PERSON, then it gets very individualized and Nier & Klonoa win out. This is a topic we should write more on, remind me. It has that heart-glow quality to it that indicates it has enough love tied to it to inspire a great deal of writing.

We're learning to tap into intuition again, and the future-hope of getting Pokemon GO is helping greatly, as we're going to join Team Instinct not just because Zapdos is beloved to us, but because a team based on faith/ intuition/ trust is exactly our vibe. But, with that in mind, we keep reminding ourself to check our instinct" when we make tricky decisions and it is helping a LOT. Our gut feelings are very reliable, surprisingly and thankfully. What I wanted to mention though is that in order to properly use this intuition we have to channel Zapdos. We're used to channeling all sorts of monsters and characters from all sorts of worlds, and Pokemon takes up the majority of such sorts, but it's still eyebrow-raising to realize how easily and smoothly and quickly we CAN begin "channeling," or even becoming, a new Pocket Monster with solid roots and a function, even if they only exist within that function. That's no issue though, as many of us nousfoni exist like that as well, as it's far less stressful and confusing than trying to exist as a "conglomerate" in too many situations. Splitting things up is more efficient and healthy for us.

We are trying, very hard, to get back to living AS a System again. The two sole obstacles in our way are:
1. the grandmother not quite understanding the concept at all due to a simple life-view and religious blinders, and
2. the mother and brother constantly insisting that we're "fake" and "making it up for attention" and "toying with their minds," etc.
These are huge stumbling blocks, especially the second, as their reactions to us quickly became so brutally accusing and scathing and scary, that we began to shut down instantly in their presence, and after so many weeks the socials were forced into full-time function despite their being lethally broken and damaged, solely because the mind decided we could not survive living as our true self because we couldn't cope with this family response. That's why we're a mess right now; our psyche LITERALLY judged that mental suicide was "safer" than asserting our existence because let's face it; we were having so many breakdowns it was unreal, and we could NOT cope. We got too sick too often, we landed in the hospital, we couldn't recover from that well either... you get the idea. But now we have enough evidence saying "hey we know this seemed like a viable option but it's killing our mind AND body now so it needs to stop." And the mind is letting us come back, BUT it's scared because we still live with the mom & bro and they are still completely unaccepting of our System's existence. But we just need to accept that and ignore it. It's all we can do, is just leave the room when they start. I know the kids want to start screaming and sobbing but that just makes the family members react with even more acidity. So we just need to bail, and take time for ourself, instead of sticking around and shutting down and having to deal with the resulting forced-out numb social's eating disorder abuse. It's a coping mechanism, it has to be. They've said, many times, that they "feel they have no reason to live other than eating," and maybe that IS true, what with their highly minimal functions. They're forced out in stressful times to numb everything out and "just survive," not existing beyond that crude goal, so "living to eat" may indeed define them exactly. HOWEVER it's notable that they're now aware of this and unhappy with it. This first spark of self-awareness is the prerequisite for a social to become an internal, gaining a color and a face and a name and a life, and God knows that if we could get THOSE socials to that point at long last, all our biggest problems would stop dead, beautifully so, and we'd be free to actually exist, to actually live again, as us.

That's all we want to say for now. Our mind is getting into borderline poet mode (things are becoming more imaginative and floaty) so I cannot type anymore or I will be pushed out and someone else will be pushed in. This is not bad, it's just not proper for this entry. Let them write their own, unhindered by topic context. We need their free-flowing thoughts just as much as we need this data. It's crucial to stay bright inside, it defines us all.

I wish you all well tonight, and thank you for reading this.

 

 

★: Are there any nonhumans in your system? If so what kind?


Technically, we’re all “nonhuman” in some sense. The word “headvoice” also works as a species name, for lack of a better term, and applies to all of us, both humanoid and beastly, as we all function similarly at heart. However, yes, most of us still pass for humans at a glance, albeit painted in technicolor hues of course.

As for those who are obviously not humanoid, we have a decent amount, although again they are not the majority— which is admittedly a shock, as our original hosts had almost exclusively internal lives and therefore associated constantly with nonhumans within. However said nonhumans were tied to an entirely different sort of inner world than ours, and therefore that massive split in function likely contributed to us appearing far more human than those non-traumatized individuals.

But we’re off-topic! The following members of our System are the “most” nonhuman:

Spine (skeletal dragon), Aimee (anthro cat), "The Bear" (bipedal bear monster), "Dead Red" (demonesque), Hyakin (semi-avian), Genesis (this guy), Wreckage (fiendish), "Honeybee" (insectoid), Nathaniel (semi-moth), Cel (insectoid), CZ (aquatic being), Emmett (serpent), Minty (teddy-girl), "Seafloor" (mermaid-esque), Waldorf (alien), Kyanos (angel), Xenophon (this kid), Infinitii (this creature).

Algorith, Zwei, and Einsatz all seem to be cyborg-esque in composition.

Spice, Razor, Laurie, Knife, Jay, and Sherlock are all “not quite human” when you really look but again, for them it’s more subtle.

 

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@ 05:39 pm

April 4th, 2014

 

I couldn't remember most of this dream (I didn't fall asleep until after 5AM), but what I do remember really meant a lot to my heart.

I was sitting behind the curtain on a stage (stage left), with a group of people who looked like college age kids. There was some sort of awards ceremony going on out there, as the stage was all lit up, and there was obviously an audience watching. The current award being given was the final one, for "inventions" that some of the people backstage had made, as they had been judged according to which were considered the most applicable, beneficial, and unique. Apparently many different awards had already been given for different things, but this invention one was "nationally acclaimed" or something, and so it would be very prestigious to win? So all these kids were all waiting excitedly to hear who had won-- except me, actually. I was sitting further back to the left than anyone else, leaning against the brick wall, and just smiling. I knew I wouldn't win (I hadn't entered that division), but there was one girl who had entered, sitting excitedly right next to the stage, and I wanted her to win more than anything. Not surprisingly, it was my old elementary schoolmate, AAA. I understood that she had already won seven awards, and that she was one of the "top picks" for this last and greatest one... and sure enough, as I watched, her name was announced as the recipient. Everyone burst out in applause, and her face absolutely lit up-- but then she jumped up, eyes wet from joy, threw her fists in the air and shouted "yes!" It was such a spontaneously elated action that I felt the same way right along with her. She ran out to stage and received the award, which was given with honest warmth. The crowd backstage was now beginning to break up, as the awards ceremony was over, but I stayed where I was, just enjoying the moment. Honestly I was waiting until AAA left the stage so I could congratulate her personally, away from the current crowds that were still around her.
As I waited, I became more aware of where I was-- off the stage, the area actually opened up into a small room, with white plaster walls and some wooden chairs folded up against one wall. I couldn't see too much due to the people, and also because Laurie then walked over and sat down to my right, which immediately took my complete attention. She didn't say anything at first, but then handed me a sealed business envelope with my name on the front. She gave me a meaningful look as she did so, and said something to the effect of "just for the record." I nodded, as she turned to look at the stage now herself. I then looked down at the letter, turning it over, and saw that on the back, across the bottom, was a line of fine script in violet ink. It said rather simply, "no matter what, remember that I will always love you." This really tugged at my heart, but I couldn't hold on to that feeling for too long because right then I noticed someone running up to me, and looked up. It was AAA herself, still beaming but teary-eyed, and she too was holding a letter. I stood up then, smiling, to congratulate her, but she responded by pressing her letter into my hands, saying it was for me. I was confused, but accepted it gratefully, placing it alongside Laurie's. I smiled a little at that, and wondered for a second to myself if her letter said anything similar on the back-- it would be nice, but not necessary of course. However, the second I thought that, AAA reached out, took my face in her hands, and actually kissed me. I remember being completely surprised, but consciously told myself to pay attention, don't forget this, as it obviously was significant to her as well as to me. So I just let myself experience that. She didn't let go of me afterwards though, instead pressing her forehead to mine, and whispered that she had "always known" about my support for her, and how much I had cared, over all the years. She then added that she had also "always wanted to say yes" to the love I had for her? Like she had never rejected it, she was perfectly willing and capable of reciprocating, I just had never ever asked or expressed anything. But now, she was effectively closing that gap. She said all this while holding my face like that, with a few awards people standing nearby and watching, smiling at us, and it just meant a lot to me.
The dream continued a bit after that, but it became rather convoluted and blurry so I won't worry about trying to record it.


AAA was also in another one of my dreams earlier this week-- all I remember is that she handed me a small four-leaf-clover pin, all gold with ruby heart-shaped leaves (kind of like this?), with virtually the same sentiment as the one with which she presented the letter in this dream.

I have no idea why I still dream about that girl so much-- I haven't even seen a glimpse of her in about 7 years-- but I'm not complaining. She seems to have ascended to a sort of dream element in her own right by this point, representing an undying ideal separate from her waking self, and that's fine by me.

 

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@ 11:53 pm

Okay, quick update because it is late and today was a bit of a mess but who cares, life is still too lovely.

First off, dream last night. In it, my old school 'crush' AAA won a prestigious academic award, and then after the ceremony, I was waiting to congratulate her-- but Laurie was with me. She handed me a letter envelope with my name on it, which I didn't get to open, but written on the back in violet ink was a small yet significant phrase-- "no matter what happens, remember that I love you."
That meant a lot more than it otherwise would have on its own, thanks to last night. We'll get to that.

Secondly, as I was still in an artistic mood from yesterday (especially concerning that poster idea), I decided to go look up refs for Javier's hairstyle (technically a deathhawk with braided sides?), but that caught Josephina's attention too, and since I already had his facial structure roughed-out on paper, he insisted I try to draw him first. So I did, and it doesn't look too bad at all! So Javes is next, hopefully, because he's getting a lot easier to see lately (especially since he's been putting a lot of extra thought and work into his role) and honestly I'd like to focus on him for a while in any case. He still smells like Christmas, amusingly-- all cloves and nutmeg-- which is surprisingly fitting to him as a person. Like Laurie, he has a sort of public "edge," that makes him seem more blazing and harsh at a glance than he actually is. His edge is a lot softer than Laur's, though, and he really doesn't have any walls; the slightest sentimental push and he'll completely crumble into heartfelt compassion, the sort with so much fire behind it it can surprise even me at times. Javier is seriously the perfect person to hold the Red core slot; he is everything I ever was on my best days while holding that color. I'm really proud of him, actually.

Third, speaking of Javier and Laurie.
I was up stupidly late last night reviewing old Xanga entries, and finding quotes for that poster project... but it ended up breaking my heart, looking for Laurie's.
I was all but sobbing from how much my heart hurt. She got close to that too, once she saw the ones I had picked.

I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me.

You were wondering why I wear so many of these bandages? Can you imagine what I'd look like without them??

I tried to commit suicide right in front of you and you tried to save me, for God's sake, I never told you how much that meant to me, did I?

She realized I was choosing the absolute most heart-wrenching ones for her and she actually began to tear up, almost disbelievingly.
Javier had this verge-of-tears look as well, as he listened and watched, asking us "what did you go through?" and basically trying to understand just how much history Laurie and I had, especially those moments that left beloved scars. The both of us were trying to explain, but since it was so late I was actually slipping into bloody poet mode, both despite and because of the pain, and how I wish I could remember what I said... but I know how it felt, and it was one of the truest things I've felt in a very, very long time. Unfortunately I slipped up at one point, I was two seconds away from probably kissing Laurie but then I stopped, both feeling and talking so honestly, the self-censorship kicked in. For a minute we all got scared I had unplugged, but I started talking again, same topic, and managed to slip back into sincerity after a minute or so although it was shaky now. But I was hitting some really deep waters, and when I started re-reading those quotes the fog of hesitance started to dissipate almost immediately. The pain and the love was too great not to.
And then, I forget when exactly it happened, but I was trying not to break into sobs and Laurie suddenly kissed me, not caring that Javier was there, and without pulling my hair. Believe it or not I don't think she's ever done that before. That pain was always the last bastion she had up against total openness and vulnerability, for both of us, but right then there was no sting at all, just the overwhelming heartbreak that had sparked such an action.
I just... I loved her so much right then. Honestly, I adored her for the past several hours (and years) prior, but in that second where she straight-up didn't care about walls or toughness or anything of the sort... it reminded me so much of January 8th, in its own way.

Laurie and Javier now appear to be bffs so this is good, I think he's awesome too. I hope he sticks around more often, we're all trying to get more people than just Laurie to work with me during the day, and personally I'd like my red bro to be one of the people I see pretty frequently, especially if we're all getting along so well already!

Now I am sorry, but I keep having to post these entries ridiculously late so I have to call it quits on this one for now.
Don't worry, I'm sure there will be even more to talk about tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

emergency post.

 

this is the autopilot program for the lightraye system

 

there has been a systemwide massacre courtesy of one of our old hosts, she has taken it upon herself to delete every last iota of pain attached to us therefore she decided we all must die.
i have escaped as i am noncorporeal

 

the girl in question is either jessica or cannon. i cannot tell the different between them right now; perhaps both are responsible

 

this is not the first system destruction attempt we've had; in fact is it approximately the fifth one this year. each one is harder to recover from. we may have hit rock bottom

 

long story short: we are a suicide risk tonight and i will stay online until it subsides, if it does.

 

i do not know what else to do but stall for time. wish me luck, on behalf of all those we may have lost for good.

 

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@ 10:01 pm

 

 

dear god:
help.

help me, please. PLEASE.

everyone upstairs is dead, i went to look and there is blood everywhere oh my god
i dont want this to be happening but everything is shorting out oh god no no
no

im sorry, im really
cant handle this
crisis rooms are closed online
i have no phone
she might take over if i try
oh god
why

god why is she the one who wins out
please tell me shes not the real person who owns the body
god please
please tell me she doesnt have the right to do this
please

laurie is dead oh my god
i
i acnt type, give me a minute to
i dont know

infi is dead there is blood everywhere
what happened

what did she do

there is no one to talk to oh god i have no way to heal from this

what happened?

oh god

i
she might be coming after me, i need to run

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:10 pm

 

 

GOD DAMN IT WHY IS THERE NO ONE LEFT WHEN IM SCARED FOR MY LIFE

ABUSIVE MELTDOWNS, NO ONE
SEXUAL TRAUMA, NO ONE

THERE WAS NEVER ANYONE TO TURN TO

except the people upstairs and
now not
god
please fix this

i know yesterday i or someone someone was saying "good headspace is gond i dontw atn tp go back"
but now no onononobn plaease NO

sorry stuipd child trying complaining i hlope you die too.

if they didnt catch me in this cage you would be dead right now with them you BITCH.

YOU REALIZE THE ONLY GODDAMNED REASON YOU F*CKERS ALL HAD TO DIE WAS BECAUSE OF THE SHT YOU DID TO ME??????
F*CK YOU
YEAH THATS RIGHT
YOU MADE ME SWEAR
GUESS WHAT
I DONT CARE ANYMORE
I LOST, WHAT, ALMOST TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE THANKS TO YOU???
AND NOW I SEE WHAT YOU DID

I won't put up with this abuse of my body and life any longer.
You can't justify this with pretty disgusting names anymore. Ever.
I've snapped, congratulations, you pushed me to the edge.
Jessica is taking her body back, and if I have to kill all of you one by one to do that, then I will.
Good riddance.

 

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@ 10:14 pm

 

 

someone stop her
this is the ap
soeone stop her

she says ehw ants the body back and she does but there is someone else behind her

cannon and jessica both were resposnible for this massacre

cannon started, when she was stopped, jessica took over with brutal unfeeling violence
she killed the children.let that sink in. she killed them. because they are "alters."

 

she wants her body back but what will she do with it now?
what will she do with it now'
nyanaynyaneenenene!!!!!
we fucked it up for you hap[py birthday bitches
uts dead and dead and dead anad deaqdndwasdgdgddgdg

good luck fiuxing it SLIT SLUT .SLUT


autopilot officially declaring a state of emergency
suggested: suicide hotline if all else fails
i am struggling to keep the girls at bay
this is not a test, i repeat, any survivors, this is a matter of life and death
i apologize for the drama but i do not want this body to be killed tonight
my function is the same as the systems and that is to preserve life
not to destroy the lives of others in order to live selfishly

i will close this entry now. i am in acute psychological and physical pain.
i fear for my life.
but let it be as it will

-a.p.

god rest your souls

 

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@ 11:40 pm

 

 

short update: miracuously not dead

 

tried an hour to talk to the family failed terribly, outright denied or ignored all help we asked for, didnt help aet all but at leats did not call hospital as they were threatening to

 

some survived! ten in all, were all in unreachable places when death happened
one centralite left, just one, pray he can help restore things if at all

 

hope cant die, it cant die, we will hold on somehow

 

despite the cold iapathy around us we will hold on somehow
for what few thre are left that is still community and we will live

 

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@ 11:41 pm

 

 

also much thank yous to all the people who said they would help or offered support

 

thank you we dont get that elsewhere it means so much. it does sincerely
first bit of hope if notihng else tha t is priceless tonight you know.

 

sorry no responses fom us bad night. but thank you

 

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@ 11:49 pm

 

 

ten lived, ten of us lived, how did we
so thankful


1. autopilot
(noncorpreal, not touched)
2. garrison
3. isadora
4. kalisha
(all were in floating space and not found)
5. algorith
(robotic, survived collapse of underground)
6. emmett
(knows hideaways, survived collapse of city)
7. dead red boy
8. little yellow boy #2
9. overload girl?
(all noncorporeal socials, dimly anchored)
10. javier
(forced back to life when structure fell to protect survivors)

also miraculous jay is still alive as a presence
since he is the TRUE CORE, NOT JESSICA, he cannot ever be permanently killed

we have many papers of failed communitcation with the family we will scan in so that is good too.
this is the little boy #2 by the wy you know me. i think im yellow at leas. sylvain was my brother. he was stabbed in the head i thinkhe died. its so sad i want to cry

emmett was crying, so much, aimee died he keeps whimpering so sad were all sad
the data voices thought they would die they didnt they aer still crying
algorith is too
so is javier
we all are how are we the only survivors its sad so sad

i will sto this now the bgrandmother will not go away and she is scary the fea bufferr wont let anyone talk or move in the body
she will not listen when we say go away dont touch so i will wait. if i can
at least none of us will let the bod die tonight we have HOOPE
that is imoritant
i think the sandman is aliev too mayve the oustpacers? can thehy help?
gerraiosn sais xenophon had bloood magic maybe something she can do
i dont know tired scared want to sleep but bedroom not savefe never safe. never safe
we will try anyway all we can do

goodnight god bless our waery souls
pray the others can life again too
there is memory of it i dont want to look at it i think i would get too sad and go awya

good night even thought it was a very bad night
life still goes on? hope too.
speaking for everyody

hope
tomorrow will arrive either way

 

 

 

 

 

I forgot to update yesterday, I think?
We had therapy and it was blurry because we got off on a tangent that didn't quite go anywhere. There really aren't any easily accessible memories of that morning at all, not until the session was over and we ended up at the nearby mall. Thanks to the problems with fronting in therapy sessions yet, we were going to look for beads for that "necklace" thing we want to make for all of us, as a grounding object. Unfortunately neither ACMoore nor Michaels had proper beads, so we're going to have to open commissions online and buy some from Etsy or something. However, Michaels did have a huge selection of colored cardstock, which Razor's eyes basically lit up at.
You readers probably don't know that yet. It happened last Thursday, I believe, when the therapist told us (after we revealed the "blood=atonement" function of the retributors) that we should try not to harm the body in that way anymore, EVEN if we felt it was absolutely necessary. We thought this over for a while, and Razor was somewhat worried by it: her main concern was still cutting things, but if cutting the body was not allowed, what could she do now? While we were considering this, somehow, she realized that she was a Red-anchored voice, and all the other Red voices were artists. So ultimately, when we finished the appointment, she suddenly declared that she wanted to try and be one too.

 

That is actually HUGELY SIGNIFICANT. Razor was born in 2009, during the MU trauma period, around the exact same time that our artists were first locked away as a result… and it has long been suspected that she was a splinter of the FRONTER at that time, a girl whose identity was scathingly self-abusing and who has not been seen since (probably due to the massive fracturing she suffered). Furthermore, it's also been previously suspected that since Razor was the FIRST non-fronter to anchor into Red, that she was somehow inherently tied to this art-lockout. Long story short, Razor's existence poses a lot of questions, but in a sense she had now just answered one. Yes, she DID have artist potential, and now she wanted to pursue it. So we went to ACMoore, and she bought a small stack of cardstock, specifically to cut up and "make art with." So there has been a large significant change in her.

 

…Today she elaborated on that a little, but we'll list that later.

Lastly (we're still talking Monday, mind), we stopped at our favorite natural food store to buy toothpaste and seaweed (best shopping list ever). J was fronting at the time, looking for more beadlike things, when by the cash registers he was distracted by a large selection of colorful Swarovski crystal earrings beside it. Since the selection of colors was massive, he paused to look at the list. Also, keep in mind that around this time, we were also trying to find names for the unnamed individuals in headspace that we know (thanks to the events of the 27th), as names are incredibly important for headvoices to have. So J is checking this list, and on the right, one of the colors is listed as "hyacinth," but oddly, here it was spelled as "hyakinth." And I kid you not, the instant he saw that, the cool orange guy from midspace jumped in and exclaimed, "that's it!! That's my name!" Truth be told, he had been clinging to the "hya" sound, plus the letters H and K, for a few days now, but we couldn't find any fitting names, not until that instant. So his full name is technically Hyakinth (or Hyacinth, no preference; although he only lets the sage guy freely call him by his full name), but he goes by Hyakin. So there's one more name found.
Last night, since his friend the "sage voice" had been sticking to the letters S and G, we looked for his name, and "Sergei" kept popping up. No matter what other names J suggested, he couldn't shake the attachment we felt to that name, so the sage guy took it.
We're trying to find the name of the "angry brown girl" downstairs, the one full of reactive rage and pain. She has no favored letters or sounds, so it may be tricky, but we're going through large lists of names and seeing if she reacts to any.

So, that is what we remember from Monday.
Now… TODAY has been interesting.

 

To begin, there was a severe hack this morning, that the Undergrounders reacted immediately to, with significant distress. Details are blurry but it posed many questions, and possibly answered a creeping suspicion we've had for a while: that the White energy is just as corrupted as the Black energy is. After a great deal of discussion concerning this, with Laurie's later input, we have reached a few tentative conclusions:

J was/is the source of this corrupted White, how we do not know. He is also the only individual to have expressed negative White qualities (no emotions, total control and manipulation, etc.), which supports this theory.

Infinitii, being torn from him, likely holds some of that corrupted White in his abdomen (it does hold White energy but its nature was always unknown). His energy makeup is unstable by default thanks to the Tar infecting the Black energy as a whole.

With the August reset having occurred because Infinitii was, allegedly, either "infested with a parasite" OR "secretly malevolent," we are favoring the former explanation thanks to the suspicion that he holds corrupt White energy inside him. This was further supported later today, when Emmett told Javier that "you absorb what you eat," hence why he only ate green energy-- since Infinitii ingests such large amounts of both Black and White energy, both mostly in harmful contexts, it is very likely that at some point they began to infect him severely.

As a result of this, both J and Infinitii are essentially condemned to being hacked, as the negative energy they inherently hold is what causes such traumatic experiences to repeatedly occur, regardless of any "healing" they insist they do.

We are not 100% sure on that, but we are very close to it. We are doing great amounts of headspace research, so any further knowledge and clarification on these points will be posted here in the future.

 

Now for the rest of today:

Javier is now the "default fronter," and he has anchored into Red (unsurprisingly). J has finally been deemed "unfit to front" what with all the hacks that keep happening around him.

Infinitii is assumed dead. This, too, feels necessary, due to what we now suspect about B/W energy in headspace.

There are two papers of headspace handwriting on the work desk which we haven't read yet; Jewel saw them earlier and exclaimed "nope, these aren't for me!" but she didn't deny them. That was notable; she recognized it was headspace communication and therefore not her division, BUT she also recognized it as something important and needed. Unlike some of our other downstairs fronters, she does not reject or ignore headspace, she simply knows it isn't her job to interact with it. Regardless, we will scan in those papers tonight.

A note from the Undergrounders: writing that paper was "difficult as hell" because of the emotional and psychological pain they were going through at the time; they wrote it "specifically to tell J what was wrong as he wouldn't find it out or acknowledge it himself." Knife is currently torn between his driving, instinctual need to bleed the body "for its sins," and his hopelessness at having to continually do so with no improvement, as well as his want to not have to ever do that again. Similarly, Razor has expressed (somewhat surpisingly) that SHE no longer wants to cut the body as well, because doing that "makes her just like the abusers," causing harm to the body AND "dragging her back to what she was before." Like all the Underground voices, Razor, too, now feels a strong desire to "rise above" her old traumatic role, as she wants to continue being an artist. BUT she insists that "she cannot be an artist" IF she is still forced to use her blades "for pain." This is an astute observation as the artists in headspace are specifically separated from trauma in order to function. Razor wishes to let go of her old Tar-tainted past, but as long as hacks continue, she will be chained to it against her will. Razor said she, like Knife, was "tired of it." She liked cutting things, BUT she clarified that "that was before I knew I was really hurting people." Remember she DID NOT FULLY COMPREHEND THAT for a long time; now she sees that as an abusive action, and tying abuse to the Tar and its cohorts, she wanted to start letting go of that for good. Knife said he understood, but the hacks hurt everyone, and that the blood was needed to heal. Mulberry stepped in here and asked why he was so hellbent on making her cut the body, why couldn't he? Surprisingly, Knife was at the verge of tears, admitting that he refused to "let [Razor] go soft" and become corrupted like J, not taking any action of atonement when the body was morally compromised. He referred to her as his "sister of soul" here, which was unusual. Either way he did win out, but no one pushed the issue after that, as no one had the strength to. That is all I can access memory-wise.

Knife ended up talking to our "headspace therapist" again for advice, about an hour after the hack, but as he did, it suddenly hit him that 'wait a minute, you're a headvoice! Who are you?' She demurely revealed that her name was Amara. She appeared peachy in color, but it kept vacillating to violet. She admitted that she couldn't tell which one she needed to anchor to. Knife said that Orange dealt with balance and guidance, but Violet dealt with rules and wisdom. So he asked her, if she was actively leading people, or passively directing them? She said as a "therapist" it was definitely the latter, and Knife said then she was anchored to Orange. At that her color solidified to a bright coral hue. Knife then asked where they were? Amara said they were in Central City, but at the opposite end of the city from Central itself; she said that half of the city was still "badly damaged" from the lockout and reset periods. Sometime around here, Hyakin did show up (he flew up to the window and let himself in), and spoke to Knife for a short time, but there are no accessible memories of their conversation. However it is significant that this occurred, as Hyakin did originally work with the Undergrounders before meeting Sergei and moving to Midspace.

Emmett fronted for a little while today as well, to eat while Javier was around. He has this funny habit of trying to do his "happy circles" thing while in a human body, but he can't slither while bipedal of course so he just does this swaying motion. Also, while fronting, he expressed confusion at "breathing differently" (apparently he doesn't breathe through a 'nose' per se), and not being able to purr because "there wasn't anything to purr with" (which he
said while indicating the chest). He also has some difficulty with hands/arms, as his are small and three-fingered, and he only uses his for body support normally, not holding things. Lastly, it is confirmed that Emmett speaks "telepathically?" He doesn't speak with his mouth (he's only been seen squeaking or barking with it, etc.), but he seems to 'project' thoughts to speak? He doesn't seem to have any translation difficulty with spoken language.

He and Javier spoke for a long while, but as Emmett was eating it became clear, once again, that he was co-fronting with somebody, who was not only moving the body to "feed" him (due to his trouble with holding things), but who was also making sure he didn't eat too much, or forget that he was in a human body and accidentally do something it couldn't handle. Javier asked who that was, and Emmett happily replied "that's my caretaker," revealing a sandy-colored catgirl? As in, she was more of a cat than a girl; it's hard to explain… She had big feline eyes (color unclear) and ears, and her face was catlike, but I'm not sure about her hands, or whether or not she had a tail. She was also wearing a tattered two-piece outfit, which made me think of stereotypical "jungle" clothing: it was just something to cover up with, not a fashion concern. But she completely took over fronting for Emmett for a few minutes, and her name was revealed to me "Aimee." Apparently her job is simply to help Emmett out; by himself he gets lost and confused I suppose. She's very patient, although strict, and perfectly content with her role.

Javier revealed at one point during the previous conversation that he felt his 'main role' was to essentially 'protect everyone's right to be who they are? He kept using the words "protect" and "respect," saying he couldn't quite find the right term. But it was like he wanted to ensure the safety, freedom, and "right to live" of everyone. He also said there was a marked difference between how he wanted to protect people, and "how Laurie protects people."

While reviewing old notes today, I've clarified that the "angry brown voice" that hates the mother and screams is NOT the voice who hates being ignored and screams "f*** you," i.e. the one in the parking garage on Sunday. The latter is also NOT the biting voice (she has explicitly said this), which is likely the former. Both these girls are also separate from "Spice," the equally rageful one who is ONLY triggered by food. Again, the "overload girl" is MIA and may have actually "merged" with the "angry brown voice," as their reaction styles are almost identical and the OG hasn't been detected in months.

Javier, since this was his first time fronting in the body (and he asked to do so alone, without constant headspace talk), ended up hearing from the strange "upper voice" that J has referred to in the past. This voice is faceless by design, and acts as a sort of "guide" to ALL new voices, helping them learn what their new lives are like, giving them basic information, etc. It feels like it is "above the upstairs," being simultaneously inside and outside headspace. Javier asked it how it knew all the things it did, and it revealed that it was a sort of "teacher consciousness," existing in what we might consider a "rainbow slot," or all the color slots combined. But it clarified that it did not wish to kill or usurp any of us in the System; on the contrary, it deeply cared for us as our functions were necessary and beneficial for it as well as for ourselves as a whole. In general it did not feel threatening at all, but it DID feel "unstable," as if its existence wasn't as healthy as it could, or should be. We now wonder if this voice suffers from the B/W corruption as a result, AND the troubles within the Spectrum; after all, if it consists of "all of us" on a greater scale, and many of us are unstable, then it stands to reason that it would then be unstable as well. True unity, of both colors and purposes, WITHOUT the loss or death of ANYONE comprising that, is our true goal.

Lastly, in light of this, it IS becoming much easier for all stable voices to front, now that so many of the unstable ones are being identified, manifested, and helped. Triggers are easier to deal with, now that those affected by them can stay inside where it is safe, instead of being forced to front due to demanifestation. So this is a significant improvement.

 

Yesterday night, J left a paper on this work desk with two intriguing concepts written on it.
The first is: "If Eros moved into the PINK slot, would he "redefine" what it means??"
The second is: "WHITE = DEATHLESS INTEGRATION!! If my role is to hold ALL the Spectrum colors then I can hold those pieces as a "healed" person WITHOUT anyone having to die!!"
In light of today's observations, that is both very interesting, and very sad I suppose, since J's current state of existence is assumedly badly tainted deep inside.
However, since Core Slot holders are supposed to be representations of the "pure" essence of that color energy (with lighter and darker hues representing White/Black influence on the color, we would assume), having an individual besides Julie in PINK may have interesting consequences. However, I am personally opposed to having Eros take the slot without extensive testing of his qualifications. Since he-- or a re-amalgamation of his post-reset energy-- was allegedly tied to the morning hack earlier this week, I would not have another Julie situation occurring, especially when our current Pink voices stand in such vehement opposition to the corruption she has wrought upon their hue.

On that note, I just received a mental note from J of all people (who is again, operating as a "standalone identity," blissfully ignorant of all the suffering he endured this morning… that strikes me as being off somehow) to "check the old Spectrum Flowcharts," as they are apparently more relevant that we thought, even after the reset attempts. Since we have not yet tried to map in any non-Central individuals besides the original "mutants" yet, this is indeed a good idea. I will pass it on in the morning.

 

That is all we have to say for today.

We have been focusing massively on our internal world lately, but there have been more and more pushes to work with the LeagueWorlds. Interestingly, there also seem to be "doors" opening up for us to enter them, as opposed to the other way around, which was always the case prior to now. So this is a great source of hope for all of us as well.

Until next time, this is Sherlock, with an odd smile for once, signing off.