one thing I must always remember and that fills my heart with joy:

my "spiritual hunger" will always be there, but it can also always be satisfied.

it is a hunger for Christ and His Gospel, for God and His Word, it is a hunger that my soul will always be grateful to have because when I "taste and see" what God has given us to know of Him in this world… it's everything, it's all I'll ever want or need, it's bliss.


it's destroying the eating disorder at long last and I am so grateful for that.

thank you saint jude!!

 

you know, I was always iffy about praying to saints because I didn't understand it. then I realized, these are humans like me, who through a life of striving for holiness, were given such graces through God's mercy that, now that they are in heaven, they take great joy in helping us FOR God's glory, through God's glory, through the gifts God bestowed upon them in their obedience because as virtuous people they are able to intercede for us in honest actual love and charity and prudence and sincerity.

saint jude, patron of the hopeless, is "giver of joy" and "gentle" and he wrote that letter to the suffering church encouraging them to stay strong and persevere in their faith no matter what, and I am sure that in heaven, he wants to do that for ALL of us here who are feeling the same, and God wants him to do that too, for His name's sake-- because God GAVE saint jude that ability to help the "hopeless," because God IS hope, and God is working THROUGH saint jude for that purpose… words don't quite explain it well enough but that's the truth of it.

 

"God rests in the saints and even in their very names, in their very images; it is only necessary to use their images with faith, and they will work miracles."

-St. John of Kronstadt

 

big mistake today: feeling "obligated" to eat the onions in the food I unwisely mixed, and after doing so, having a small binge and having to throw it up. I was very sorry. I am very sorry. I wasted money and time and it was a foolish action.

I have to pray ALWAYS about this. yes saint jude is helping me, yes my mother mary is helping me, yes my beloved jesus christ is helping me, but I have to LISTEN and OBEY them for their goodness to bear fruit in me. my heart has to remain soft and open and loving and childlike and willing to simply, honestly, immediately do what I am told, because I adore and trust God and his holiness and I know He will only lead me in right paths. so I must surrender to Him totally, which can only happen in that childlike mindset of simplicity and warm gentleness and willingness to be kind and free.

again, words don't cut it. but I know the feeling, and it defines the truth of me, and I will do my best to keep it constant in me, and forbid anything harmful or deceitful from getting in the way.

 

talk about:

the love of christ!! eucharist especially, I'm "understanding" it more, it's gorgeous.

more of the "hungry for God's word" thing, and the excited joy I get when I realize that it is INFINITE. it's why I "can eat forever" with food, because I'm REALLY looking to feed my soul with God, whose goodness IS infinite, and THAT is what I really want.

I need to carry a Bible with me always, to satiate that hunger whenever it is accidentally rerouted.

but I need to be prudent about actual food too, which again, is easy when I just ask God first.

 

mary
why are you weeping
why does your heart ache
[as if] it was pierced by a sword?
mary
you are not bleeding
yet you are dying
[in] sharing the fate of the Lord

what else could a mother do?
when your child is taken from you
no mother should bury her son
and he was your only one

[they did not know him / they did not trust him / they did not love him / as you do]

but you took my hands and said
child,
[you called me child]
I knew this would happen
from the very beginning
so do not lose faith in the Lord

trust him
[trust him, child]
he will keep his promise
life will have victory over death
my son will be born again


jesus
why are you weeping
why does your heart ache
forgive me but where do I begin?
we mocked you
spat on and scourged you
then crucified you
blood and tears shed for our sin

what else could a father do?
when your children are lost without you
no father should bury his son
and he was your only one

[they did not know him / they did not trust him / they did not love him / as you do]

but you took my hands and said
child,
[you called me child]
I knew this would happen
from the very beginning
so do not lose faith in your Lord

trust me
[trust me, child]
i will keep my promise
life will have victory over death
my son will be born again


sunday
the tomb is empty
the woman are frightened
the stone has been rolled from the grave

look now
there is an angel
who says christ is risen
I tell you now, be not afraid

what else could your shepherd do?
he would never abandon you
no shepherd would leave their sheep
so rejoice and do not weep

[now they can know him / now they can trust him / now they can love him / as you do]

(key bump up)

and jesus met them, saying,
"hail!"
and jesus met her as the gardener
and met cleophas on the road
as their hearts were burning within

he shared a meal with the eleven
and then they remembered his promise
life has won victory over death
the son has been born again

our eyes have been opened
the gates have been opened
the way has been opened
the veil has been torn

now jesus is with us
forever, he's with us
he's standing here with us
on this blessed easter morn


mary
why are you smiling
why is your heart full of joy?

OCT 18

[Today] we went to a concert at our old university. We brought our voice recorder on a whim, and something told us to hit ‘record’ when [the] final song began to play.
…When I first heard those harp harmonics, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I just lit up. That sound feels like me and I don’t know how to explain it.

----------------------------------------------

AUG 19TH



 

notsofancyphotos:

Holy Name Cathedral, Chicago

#personal aesthetic #stained glass #oh god my heart #this resonates so powerfully with us as a whole #with both the childhood feelings of religious and mysticism and our current headspace-rooted faith vibe #i adore this #holy name cathedral #chicago #i want to live here #places to visit #innerworld #cathedral #colorful #light

---------------------------------------

AUG 15?

Mesita has a new album out and I couldn’t be happier about it. 

His albums always seem to drop at the most relevant times in my life, right when I need them. 

#mesita #bandcamp #music #i love this kid's music SO MUCH #he inspires me immensely #i want to be able to write tunes like this one day #with love from laniakea #♥

--------------------------------------------------

AUG 15

❝ And I want health. By health I mean the power to live a full, adult, living, breathing life in close contact with what I love — the earth and the wonders thereof — the sea — the sun. All that we mean when we speak of the external world. A want to enter into it, to be part of it, to live in it, to learn from it, to lose all that is superficial and acquired in me and to become a conscious direct human being. I want, by understanding myself, to understand others. I want to be all that I am capable of becoming so that I may be (and here I have stopped and waited and waited and it’s no good — there’s only one phrase that will do) a child of the sun. About helping others, about carrying a light and so on, it seems false to say a single word. Let it be at that. A child of the sun. ❞

- Katherine Mansfield, from a journal entry

#THIS #words to live by #god this just SPEAKS to my heart #i'm actually crying #i love this so much #this is EXACTLY what i've been talking about for MONTHS if not more #it is the most fervent desire of my soul currently #i want us all to be able to break through this fog of pain and depression and cold #and i want us to LIVE #i want us to be healthy and free and ALIVE for this very purpose #for OTHERS #for LOVE #and to be LIGHT #always and everywhere #i need to print this out and tape it to our workspace #remember this #this is so important to me #quote #katherine mansfield


----------------------------------------------

AUG 15



#whoa #personal aesthetic #me and infi #this is GORGEOUS #sparkles #I want to eat this

----------------------------------------------

AUG 15

nevver:

Teamlab immersions, Tokyo

celestriakle: @lotusglitter

#tagged #light #personal aesthetic #this makes my heart sing #art #i adore this #innerlife #i cannot describe how this makes me feel

----------------------------

AUG 15

❝ Even now, all possible feelings do not yet exist. There are those that lie just beyond our capacity and our imagination. From time to time, when a piece of music no one has ever written, or a painting no one has ever painted, or something else impossible to predict, fathom, or yet describe takes place, a new feeling enters the world. And then, for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact. ❞

- Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

#this #this is incredibly important #as a creative individual this means worlds to me #it lights a spark instantly #it's sheer joy and wonder #if we ever need motivation #read this to us #I need to remember this #quote #nicole krauss #favorite #creativity #i love this so much #i cannot describe how this makes me feel

--------------------------------

AUG 15

tiinatormanenphotography:

 Merry christmas ~ Hyvää Joulua  // Dec 2015, Taivalkoski, Finland. 

#oh wow #snow #stars #laurie this is like... your realm fused with mine #this is gorgeous #places to dream about #personal aesthetic

------------------------------------------------------

AUG 14


 

spencerofspace:

Painting WIP

#me and infi #i adore this #there is a sort of deep reassurance in this #i need that so much right now #personal aesthetic #hope #this is one of those pictures that contains thousands of words within itself #but not a single word can express what it makes me feel

------------------------------------------

JULY 8TH

"We all have that one character we’re in too deep for."

#chaos zero #no such thing as 'too deep' darling

"have you ever loved a character so much you were like ?????? ? ? ??!??!?!! ! ! !?? ??? how did this happen??? ?? ? ?!???! !!?!??!?!?"

#CHAOS THIS IS FOR YOU #IT IS THE MORNING AFTER JULY 7TH YOU KNOW #CELEBI YOU TOO BABE #AND ALL YOU LEAGUEWORLD FOLKS #you all know who you are #i love you all very very much

------------------------------------

JULY 8TH

thisisnojay:

conclusions of our talk

#me #art #iridescent #personal aesthetic #god i miss this feeling so much #it's utter joy #this is the stuff i need to remember and incorporate back into my life asap

------------------------------------------

JULY 8TH

Reblog if Pokemon has made a huge, positive impact on your life and who you are as a person

sg-lbc:

I literally know every single important person in my life either directly or indirectly because of Pokemon, there was a point in my life where my closest friend who brought me the most comfort and kept me going was a Suicune, and I literally cannot imagine vaguely the direction of the person I would be without this series in my life.

Pokemon has affected me more profoundly than anything else in my life. It was my largest source of imaginative inspiration as a child, it was my haven of friendship when I had no one else in the world, it was a dream come true that I could hold in my small hands. 
The anime and movies taught me so many good lessons (they both still do, new and old), and even in collecting the cards I can remember so many moments of sheer joy and wonder.
I wrote stories about Pokemon, I drew comics about them, I constantly imagined seeing them in my everyday life. I even imagined being one, and that was such a source of strength and hope for me. Without Pokemon, I cannot imagine how my creative talents would have developed, because it became the root of everything at that age.
The games, though, were like a second life to me. I didn’t just play them, I immersed myself in them to the point where they became rich narratives, epic adventures with purpose woven into every button press. I even considered my Pokemon teams a second family, as I bonded so deeply and affectionately with them all. Celebi holds this honor the most strongly; she became my beloved best friend and muse in 2001 and I still love her with my whole heart. 

Every moment I’ve shared with Pokemon since 1999 has been full of love, no matter how difficult the path may have been to get there.
Pokemon has made me a better person, and I do not say that lightly. I will be a Trainer until the day I die, and I will never stop smiling over that in the meantime.

#pokemon #i adore pokemon you guys #i honestly cannot put into words how much it means to me #god bless this series #jay talks #jewel too for the record #pokemon is effectively so deeply rooted in our psyche that when we talk about it we talk FROM that sort of collective 'ancestral' experience #whoever we are at the deepest part #that person is a pokemon trainer #and we're counting the days until sun and moon #here's to the next adventure

--------------------------------------------

JUNE 28?
 

❝White is a colour. It is not a mere absence of colour; it is a shining and affirmative thing, as fierce as red, as definite as black … And one of the two or three defiant verities of real Christianity is exactly this same thing; the chief assertion of religious morality is that white is a colour.

Virtue is not the absence of vices or the avoidance of moral dangers; virtue is a vivid and separate thing, like pain or a particular smell.

Mercy does not mean not being cruel or sparing people revenge or punishment; it means a plain and positive thing like the sun, which one has either seen or not seen.

Chastity does not mean abstention from sexual wrong; it means something flaming, like Joan of Arc.

In a word, God paints in many colours, but he never paints so gorgeously, I had almost said so gaudily, as when He paints in white.❞

- G.K. Chesterton, Tremendous Trifles

#me #this is so important to me #i adore this #I need to remember this #headspace

---------------------------------------

JUN 20?

❝ Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd. ❞

- Rumi

#words to live by #rumi #quote #i love this so much

----------------------------------

JUN 13?

...I apologize to have to [mention this] here but I am very low on money this month.

I am unemployed due to severe mental illness, and my disability check this month went straight for legal expenses & rent. 
I spent my entire Friday in the E.R. as I’m not eating properly and I’d like to avoid that, so honestly if you can even throw $2 my way that’s a lifesaver in a pinch.

I can’t open art commissions right now as I have no strength to scrape together for it at the moment. If that changes I will let you know.
Normally I'm fine with [not having food] but when my health is suffering I start to worry...

----------------------------------------

MAY 9TH?

Song of the night.

This track has been helping me cope lately, which I desperately need. It’s deeply soothing.
I wanted to share it with you tonight, so here you are.

------------------------------------

MAY 5


 

beng-art: We wont destroy you - 45cm x 45cm - Oil on stretched canvas

#art #floating voices #this is both a good and a horrible thing #feeling this a lot lately #when it's bad it's awful #when it's good it's heavenly #but either way this picture brings tears to my eyes #it's an odd feeling

----------------------------------

MAY 5



#LIFE LATELY #the lost ones #really though this would probably help immensely #we haven't done a face-to-face talk with those girls in too long #let alone in something as direct as a mirror #nathaniel remind me to try this with them it could work #i do love you lost ones i am just very upset with the damaging cycles you're trapped in #it's going to take a LOT of courage and it WILL be scary at first #breaking addictions always feels terrifying in the first steps #but you can do it. #we can do it together #you are never alone #we care about you and want you to be healthy too #okay? #so stop spending money like this #the joy you seek is not to be found there #the comfort you seek cannot be bought like that #take heart and be brave #try something new #we'll help you.

-----------------------------------

----------------------------------------

MAY 1

djangeloxd:

Ramiel

#gpoy #i feel this SO MUCH #i'm always trying to describe how i ideally take up space/ shift in a room and THIS IS IT #infinitely recurring geometric planes or what have you 

-------------------------------------------------

FEB 7?

ahnaliese: does anyone else ever like…. partially dissociate? like there’s a little part of you that is just not there but the rest of you is like “come back to the body, bud, we have stuff to do

#this exact situation happens with us actually #what with the centralites always watching #especially laurie #ironically though the problem is that a little part of us is fronting dissociatedly BUT the vast majority of us are locked out but lucid #such is life with a dissociative condition i suppose #text

-----------------------------------

FEB 7?

"We shall go warm. We shall go on by the light of our hearts. We shall burn mightily in the new year. We shall go on together—"

- May Sarton, from the poem “Greeting”

 #oh god i love this #poetry #hope #this has me almost in tears #to the entire system with all my love forever

---------------------------------

FEB 5?

SO GUESS WHO I SAW IN CONCERT TONIGHT (AGAIN)  ❤

#TODD RUNDGREN #FAVORITE MUSICIAN #i grew up with his stuff and it still inspires me constantly #god bless this man #the concert was BRILLIANT btw

----------------------------------------------

FEB 5?

melodyandviolence:

January Morning - St. Petersburg by  Ed Gordeev

We had a sunset like this today– the whole sky was flooded tangerine against banks of indigo clouds, contrasted with hot pink underglow. I’ve never seen sunlight spread so far and saturated across the sky. As it dimmed the whole sky turned a smoldering coral hue and the mountains below were such a rich violet it was unreal.
It was probably the most gorgeous sunset I’ve ever seen.

-------------------------------

FEB 5?
 

lifeinpoetry:

Snow had fallen. I remember
music from an open window.

Come to me, said the world.

—-Louise Glück, from “October,” Averno: Poems

#oh god my heart #literally me in a poem #honestly i cannot put into words how much i adore this

----------------------------------

 

FEB 5?

grickgrack:

💎 by 2muchdog http://ift.tt/23jKgsa

#ohhh wow #personal aesthetic #i really love this #me and infi #crystals #light #art #gpoy

-----------------------------------------

JAN 27TH?

premoschphoto:

Brendon Urie of Panic! @ the Disco 4 BuzzFeed 

#colorful #humans #gpoy #this looks & feels SO MUCH like us physically


-------------------------------------

JAN 27TH?

Song of the night.

Dedicating this one to our entire System, with hope and love.

 

We are on an endless flight, my friend
With no beginning and no end
I’ve forgotten more than I remember
Sometimes I want to hide myself away
But I know there’s no escape
We must go on, go on forever!

#Todd Rundgren #fade away #metropole orchestra #song of the night #youtube #music #video #live #stunning #i adore this man's music so much #this makes me tear up whenever i hear it #to the system with love

-------------------------------------

JAN 27TH?

So I just redecorated the workspace. 
It’s… the lights were one thing, I wanted those, and I moved the whole desk away from the wall so the space can breathe for once… but now, so can I. I feel safe in it now. I can actually get a creative spark in it now; it doesn’t feel cramped or shadowed or dull.

But opening up the space is one thing. The other thing is what’s in it.
…I haven’t had any of that art up on my wall in 3 years. And that art is… terribly dear to my heart.
Having it back up there means worlds to me. I feel alive now, seeing it, remembering who I am in light of it all, remembering the brightness that always was us. It’s a profound measure of hope and love and joy.

So yeah. I finally feel at home in my own room, and if that wasn’t great enough, it snowed like 12 inches outside so I’m basically in the best mood ever right now.

-------------------------------------------------

JAN 27TH?


 

thecurrentseala:

Canvas Spectrum. The Current Sea, 2016.

#ME #THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL LIKE #gif #rainbows #personal aesthetic #FAVORITE

-------------------------------------------------

JAN 27?


 

architectureland:

Sainte-Chapelle  -  a royal medieval Gothic chapel in Île-de-France, France. 

#i want to LIVE HERE #Sainte Chapelle #stained glass #innerlife #places to visit #holy places #colorful #favorite #this place is so gorgeous it drives me to tears #also we have a chapel JUST LIKE THAT in central city #go figure #i'm going to make it look like this inside #honestly i cannot put into words how much i adore this #if i were a building i would be this building #personal aesthetic

----------------------------------------

JAN 7TH
 

❝ Being a candle is not easy; in order to give light one must burn first. ❞

- Rumi

#the most relevant thing in the world lately #quote #innerlife

-----------------------

JAN 7?

revolutionariess:

characters that go through hell yet still believe in the goodness of humanity, still hope for the best despite everything, refuse to let darkness consume them because someone somewhere is always going to be good are literally my favourite, because they give me that little hope too

#me #words to live by #read this whenever you feel out-of-tune #this is you

-------------------------------

JAN 7TH



 #me and infi #this is my aesthetic when i hit poet mode #my vibe changes very much but it still keeps that white sparkling softness and light #I like this a lot #me

-----------------------

JAN 7TH

celestial-fruits:

Lily vs rainbow

#THAT RAINBOW #IS EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL LIKE #that sort of super-saturated splash of color #this makes me so happy

-------------------------------------------------

JAN 7TH


 

lesfressange89:

                                                     The High Altar

#holy places #this feels SO MUCH like headspace #white #gold #innerworld #personal aesthetic

--------------------------------

JAN 5
 

❝ You know what music is? God’s little reminder that there’s something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars. ❞

- Robin Williams

#quote #music #i think about this a lot

--------------------------------

JAN 5



#i was going to give this post to julie but she said it feels more like me so #personal aesthetic #flowers
 

 

• "this too shall pass" = write about it. (esp. the old mindset of "I'm going to die no matter what I eat/ whether I eat or not/ etc." but tying into a more positively spiritual perspective of "therefore, why am I panicking over food?")
• cover "love like you" on piano AND fl! (go back to the old piano performance stuff in general; we wrote SEVERAL important League pieces that way through sheer inspired improvisation)

• START THAT COLOR BLOG.
• go back upstairs and talk to people
• look into the spectrums (all level) and define colors, find centralites, etc.
• work on the color realms!! define them by vibe/ scenery/ weather/ time/ etc.
• review old entries-- the good ones-- and print them
• do calligraphy, esp. the "painting" style ones (islamic art influence?)
• post conglomerate tumblr lj updates soon
  
• make new lj icons?

• more than anything, work on being complete and happy again!

★ "in terms of internal symbolic affairs, don't worry about the 'logic'!!"

★062607= "KNOW THYSELF" means… devote time each day to STUDYING yourself… ferreting our your WEAKNESS, working at SELF-IMPROVEMENT, purifying your IMMORTAL soul…! (Rabbi Yisrael Lipkin)

★go outdoors for at least an hour every day!! PLAY. have your own recess. (observe/experiment/sort stuff) BE A KID!!

★"morning pages"= write three pages of stream of consciousness every morning. use this also as a gauge to re-tune the paths your mind goes down. FOCUS ON UNHINDERED CREATIVITY, NOT SELF-CENTERED BANTER.

★start a daily sketchbook, no pressure or obligation. think childhood!!

★"instead of always reading to my kids, we take turns making up stories by 'giving' each other three things, like an airplane, a shovel, and a pair of pants, which we have to use in a story. sometimes we pretend our pets are having conversations, and use different voices and accents to express what they might be saying, given their circumstance at the time."

★"strewing"= casually yet strategically leaving invitations for learning and creativity out for people to discover on their own, i.e. a basket of blocks, a blank sketchpad, or some nature finds from a woods walk

★WEEKLY CREATIVE EXPEDITIONS-- choose a new place to aimlessly explore!! (a park, a bookstore, a pet shop, a museum, etc.) this sense of adventure naturally nurtures one's creative process

★"if you make art the center, insisting that kids be creative, they may feel a sense of pressure. if you make inspiration the center, it spills over into art."
★"every child and parent is creative. exercising our creativity is an act of faith." -julia cameron

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@7:58 PM


ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS!!!!


"Will I suffer from this?"
"Will I throw this up?"
"Will this waste my time?"




TRICK QUESTIONS:

"Will this bring me closer to Christ?"
the answer will be YES because THE SUFFERING WILL PUSH YOU THERE.

"Will I regret this?"
the answer will be NO because YOU WILL LEARN FROM THE PAIN.


THE DEVIL WILL TRICK YOU INTO BAD THINGS

 

I'm miserable.


"We've" effectively ruined our life with this binge-eating bulimic spending hell.
Someone today burnt through one hundred dollars in ONE GO, and guess what they spent it on????
Hemp seeds, coconut oil, and avocados.

TO HELL WITH YOU. YOU SIGHTLESS HEARTLESS WITCH.
HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED YOUR DAMNED LESSON???????!??!?!



But no. That's the real important message God gave us today, after a whole day of frustrated weeping and screaming and rage and hopeless panic and confusion.

She will NEVER "learn her lesson," because she IS SIN.

That "alter," or demon, or whatever she is, exists TO SIN. It is literally impossible for her to learn better, or do better, or stop the horrbile things she is doing, because it DEFINES HER.
She can easily copycat words of apology and regret, but she doesn't understand them, let alone the motivation behind them.




My grandmother isn't the "good Christian woman" I always thought she was, either.
She's told me, repeatedly, to stop reading the BIBLE because she says I'm "reading too much into it," which is the same thing she tells me about the Gospel and homily in church. "You're trying too hard." "Just stop worrying and be a normal person."
That translates to: "don't upset me with the tough moral questions and tasks."
I love her, I do. I really do. So it's frightening when she cannot empathize with or even understand the moral hell I'm in right now.
But maybe she's still a mouthpiece for God? Her über-simple mindset sometimes cuts through my stupidity better than anything and gets to the heart of what I SHOULD be doing. Sometimes I think that, if I stopped doing all this religious research and health research and crap, and just obeyed her, I wouldn't have ANY TROUBLE.

I need to do that. I am so sick of "myself” at this point.

Why does that alter keep eating hemp seeds and coconut and avocados? Because:
1. we were told "hemp seeds/ coconut/ avocados are a superfood with so many vitamins!!!" therefore we must eat them because they're healthy.
2. hemp seeds and coconut and avocados are a source of fat, and we were told "the ketogenic diet is the ONLY good diet for humans!!!!!!!!" so we have to force ourself to eat mostly fat even if it makes us vomit and has done so for years.
3. our mother and doctors and priests keep telling us "you're so thin, you need to put some weight on!" and the only way to put weight on is to binge-eat fat and calories, which is what we're doing with those foods, even if we hate it and it makes us sick, because we want to make them happy.


Here's a thing. Every single stupid time we buy those fatty foods, the very thought of eating them makes us shake in abject fear. Shake!! But we keep forcing it.
Although, "we" is wrong. All other main fronters don't want any of it. It's that ONE FREAKING GIRL who DOESN'T EVER GET THE MEMO, EVER, AND WOULDN'T CARE IF SHE DID.
Bismuth was helping the other alters upstairs, walking them through the food data, and none of them wanted it. They ALL recognized that not only was it rejected by personal taste, it was rejected by the body, which KNEW what the past 30+ attempts had done to it, and that is nausea, vomiting, and illness. The BODY KNOWS that this stuff isn't for us.

But, "that makes us broken," according to the fear. "Those are HEALTHY, GOOD foods, and therefore, if we can't eat them, we're broken, because that means we're rejecting HEALTH/GOODNESS."
That's a huge part of the mindset that goes into this.
So the forcing continues, in rage and tears and frustration and self-loathing, choking down this food and vomiting and wanting to die and curled up on the bathroom floor begging Jesus for forgiveness and deliverance, burning through every dollar we own and not having any left to actually eat, all because SOME STUPIDA PART OF OUR BRAIN WANTS TO "BE LIKE THE HEALTHY PEOPLE."

It's so horribly sad.



You want me to tell you what we WANT to eat????

Lettuce, cucumbers, asparagus, carrots.
Avocado can be safe in small amounts, this is true, because it has a lighter colder vibe and it ISN'T HEAVY LIKE COCONUT, which is hell, but we still have to stop buying like three avocados at a time and eating them all at once because "we're not allowed to have leftovers" because "our daily bread" and "we want to live in poverty" and "we want small amounts of food" and "knowing there is prepared meal food sitting in the fridge drives "us" up the wall because it's not being used properly; it was made TO be eaten so I HAVE to eat it."
THEN STOP MAKING A WHOLE FREAKING POT OF FOOD EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU IDIOT!!!!

But that's how she worked in SLC. We're still stuck in that timeline, somewhere in our subconscious. We don't remember 95% of that trip but we're stuck there for some reason, at least as far as compulsions and fears go.

You notice we don't want to eat much. That's why we're losing weight.
We need to feel light and cool and airy, otherwise sobbing and panic and rage set in.

Broccoli is okay steamed, but cooked it's not. Cauliflower is fantastic raw or steamed, but being cruciferous, raw isn't smart. Plus there's the whole oxalate/ fructose issue which may or may not be a problem, we still can't tell.
Cabbage is great when fermented, or steamed, or pickled. Raw is too rough on our stomach.
Potatoes are a huge no; normal potatoes irritate our stomach horribly, and in past experience, sweet potatoes are far too bulky to keep down without panic attacks setting in.
Peas and beans are a huge no. Green beans, not sure. We're still nervous about those.
Parsnips and turnips are a huge no; too much bulk and starch.
Beets are in the middle. Raw they're okay, cooked they're too sweet, and too dangerous as they promote forced binge-eating abuse (most cooked foods do).
Zucchini and summer squash are great, we're eating a lot of those now from the farmer's market.
Kale is in the middle too. It's very healthy BUT there's so much roughage to it, our stomach struggles with it.
Herbs are all fine-- cilantro, parsley, dill, etc. We just have to be careful not to eat too much of them.

Fruit is all dangerous. We keep trying. The sugar kills us.
Apples and pears and figs give us mouth welts. Bananas give us a histamine reaction. Grapes make us throw up. Oranges burn and make us vomit. Plums give us awful stomach upset. Peaches and nectarines seem okay but the sugar puts us into manic mode and then we end up throwing up. Mangoes are hell; let's not even revisit that.
Melons make us sick and throw up, we learned that in the hospital.

Meat is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. Every time we try it, including bones and offal, it not only makes us feel hellishly dirty inside, and makes our mouth taste like hell, it makes us vomit uncontrollably until it's all out.
Bone broth is okay, we think. Chicken broth makes us throw up, but that's because of all the fat. But when we were making broth from beef and lamb bones, spiked with ACV, it was fine? Except that ran the risk of compulsively drinking all of it at once, due to our always being thirsty, which made us throw up simply because that's too much for ANYONE to ingest.

Grains are ALSO HELL. They cause our IBS to flare up instantly, as well as triggering uncontrollable vomiting akin to the flu. That has been going on for at least four years and it has not changed, no matter how much we "force it," and we need to avoid them totally as it's just wasting our money and health when we "try again." Thank God we know better now and can avoid them.

Sugar, in all its forms, makes us wish we were dead. This INCLUDES "safe sweeteners" like stevia and agave and yacon and coconut sugar and rice syrup and all that junk. ANYTHING sweet throws our body into a harried frenzy and believe me, when I say it makes us want to die, I am not exaggerating. It has happened too many times.

Protein powders are too bulky to keep down for more than ten seconds, and we have been trying this for years too. Protein in general is too dense for us, in large amounts, and if our mother wasn't demanding we eat as much of it as possible, we'd just quit trying and be happy with whatever protein we got from vegetables.
Nutritional shakes are usually pure sugar and they are inedible as a result. Plus many of them rely on milk (which we are intolerant to) or seeds (which we react to?), and still cram like 20+ grams of protein in, plus fiber, making them super hard to stomach.

So, as you can see, that leaves us with vegetables.
This is why we need that feeding tube.
I am so bloody sick of weeping and throwing up every single night and never having any money on top of it all.

But those mindsets are killing us, too.
"I want to learn to love poverty."
"I want to eat as little as possible."
"I want to be clean and pure and light."
"I want to be healthy (but then defining "healthy" as what the faceless internet people say)."
and then the hidden, lethal one--
"I don't deserve good things. Other people do."
If we could add "so I will give my money to THEM instead of spending it on TRASH for myself," that would fix a lot of it. But no, she has to spend our monthly $400 in less than a week buying GARBAGE that we CAN'T EAT because she CAN'T ACCEPT that we can't eat them. That makes us "broken" and "bad," after all!!

It's all a lie.




I am so bloody tired of this hell, kid. We need to stop this somehow.

She won't learn. She'll never learn, not like this.

Julie learned.

…Julie was different, I think.

Julie learned when she had her abuse methods thrown right back in her face, and she understood what she was doing to you, and how bad it was. And then she gave you a chance, when you said you'd help her change, because she realized that otherwise she'd be miserable and probably die.

This girl doesn't care. She KNOWS we're dying from this. She KNOWS how miserable we are. She doesn't care.

Why the heck not? Is it because she switches out before she feels the consequences?

She doesn't switch out, that's the problem. Part of her enjoys throwing up.

What the heck-- why? Because it's "cathartic?"

Because it's cathartic.

Why doesn't she realize what this is doing to our body, and our wallet?

Those are both concepts she can't comprehend. I've tried to reason with her and explain it to her. The concept of money, and the concept of the body dying from this, make no sense to her. She's so utterly caught up in the "live for the moment" compulsiveness, not even as hedomism but as obligation, that she can't seem to understsand that there IS more to life.

…Shoot. Looks like that's our main obstacle, then. Teach her that there is more to life.

How?

Heck if I know, kid. Start slow. Walk her out of the bloody kitchen and into other things.

But what could replace food in her life? That's a very specific sort of "need." It's consuming, but then for her it's also purging.

Is that still a coping mechanism? For trauma, no matter how buried? 'Cause it sounds like it.

Could be. I really don't know anymore.

And I don't just mean Julie trauma, kid. Heck, maybe "trauma" doesn't even fit. Stress. Overwhelming stress and anxiety to the point where she can't cope.

I keep telling her, just trust in God. Like I do. I don't want to eat.

Yeah, but she does. Is she the one who's terrified because "God keeps telling us to fast" and she, like you said, can't comprehend life without food or eating?

Yeah.

So teach her that there is life beyond that.

To her there isn't, because without those things the body can't live--

There's proof that it can, you know. Show her. Open her mind to that.

But then I'm afraid we'll hit the opposite extreme again, of refusing to eat anything and going to bed with shakes and heart palpitations and the inability to breathe because we're literally starving our body to death--

Kid, I don't know what else to tell you, it's one or the other.

One or the other what?

Either give her another option, or ban her from bloody fronting, ever.

I want to do the latter. But I think maybe you're right, and she needs to be taught and healed, that's why the mind keeps letting her out.

I keep thinking of Julie, kid. I don't think any of us are impossibly lost.

Where's your rage, though?

…

Where's your damn rage, Laurie??

Watch your bloody mouth.

No. No, you used to be pissed when alters would be this blatantly, unendingly abusive to the body and soul and mind. Now you just shrug, "gotta let them learn," and in the meantime they're destroying us and I MISS the days when we would hunt these demons down and murder them, at least we were trying to stop them.

You don't bloody think this is my trying to stop them?? I've just learned mercy, kid, who's not Jay, or who is what "Jay" has become-- I've learned that mercy is a better weapon than hate, because it opens doors for people to change for the better. You-- the REAL you-- taught me that, you know. It's in every single episode of Steven Universe. Why the heck do you think Bismuth and Jasper ended up in the Outspacer slots, at least potentially? Because that was their lesson, and it's one that the real you wanted desperately for them to learn. Everyone deserves a chance to do and be better, not to be bloody shattered because their current state in life is hell already. You want to murder these alters? Good luck. You don't think I tried that in the past? That was my function once, remember. My job was to kill these hellraisers whenever they caused trouble. Guess what? It didn't work. They always seemed to bloody come back, and then I realized, among other things-- that wait, there's gotta be a reason why the System won't let them die. Maybe it's the Tar, I don't bloody know. Or the Plague. But the Spectrum itself lets them exist, and I remember when the Tar first spoke to you, kid, before Infi, before the BLC even. "You're not so bad yourself." Remember that? How it told you to your face that IT WASN'T YOU, and that it existed to be that foil? When the blood did you forget that?

I didn't.

Well, some part of you or the core bloodline did. Point is, the Tar exists to serve the greater Good even if that drives the Tar up the wall and maybe drives us the same way. These abusive alters have lessons to teach us, too. This alter who thinks food is the sole reason for living, and can't understand money, and can't understand how she's destroying our life in the process, kid she's just like Razor. She's virtually innocent in her ignorant stupidity, because she doesn't know better,she CAN'T know better right now; her mind and heart need to be opened somehow. Don't you have hope for that? That she can change, and in the process, help us to help others, OUTSIDE, who are struggling with her old struggles-- and God willing she'll be able to leave them in the dust soon and move forwards?

The "real me" has hope.

Then who the blood am I talking to. Who keeps bloody shoving the TRUE cores out of the way and filling our fronter mind with rage and despair and self-loathing? Is THAT the Tar? You work of the devil, is that you???

…

It is you, confound it-- you wanna see violence, give me a second to get out my axe.

You can't kill me.

Sure, but I'm still gonna try. It's cathartic for me, too.



Laurie.

Jay? That you, kid?

I need a new name. I need a new name so badly, I'm so scared of that one now.

Kid, we'll get you one, don't panic. It's okay. …Tar ran away, huh?

It can't talk long. Can't hold that sort of self-awareness without morphing into Plague.

Really?

Yeah. Split as they are now, the Tar is too primal and manic. The Plague is the proud one who will rip your throat out. The Tar just wants to eat things. Fittingly enough. It is what was in Razor, and it's in this girl now, with the eating. I feel so sorry for her. And I'm scared for us, too. It's infecting us.

Not if I have any say in it it's not. Hey, didn't you say there was a feredroni manifesting in the System somewhere? Maybe she can help.

Maybe? I mean it's a solid anchor; it's one of those things about outspacers, you can't force them, and you can't stop them either. Once one puts roots in-- which is almost by default a subconscious, uninfluencable process-- it sticks, whether you like it or not.

So she's sticking, huh?

Seems so. And yeah, I'm surprised she's registering as straight-up female, too, at least as far as gender ratio vibes are concerned. But that's how it is. If that’s corrupted influence we'll fix it, or heal it. Could be why it's happening in the first place. Like you said.

Yeah. …Kid, how are you feeling.

Not so hot. I want to cry, thinking of everything that happened today, of all the vomiting, of all the money spent, God help us we still have to pay back our mother-- of making the grandparents upset, of losing another weekend to this addiction sh*t--

Kid, don't swear, it's a doorway to evil things for you.

I'm so sorry, Laurie, I'm just in terrible heart-pain. I want to weep.

Would that help?

Maybe not. Only certain alters can weep, this sort that's half rage and fear and despair, and those are the ones that tend to get violent and desperate and want to kill or break things.

Ah. We need to talk about that with the therapist, too. Next time we see her.

Whenever that is.

Yeah, scheduling is weird with her. Anyway, kid, don't lose hope. Ever. Please.

I won't. You know that, Laurie. This haze, this film of upsetness, isn't me.

Then throw it right off, don't even think about it, and tune into you.

…That requires a lot of courage and compassion, you know.

I know, kid, that's why it's important to do.

There are parts of us that don't want to feel those things, and that's scary.

Those parts are corrupt and don't belong in here, kid. For real, they might be teaching us a lesson as-is but they are not and will never belong here. They're temporary teachers and when they're gone they're gone, and thank God.

Trust in God, too. That's what I naturally do, and that veil of darkness keeps trying to blind me to it…

Don't let it, kid. Really, do you want us to stop typing so you can try and ditch these awful emotions before bed?

I should. This feels awful and it's just making us sick. I know it's all demonic lies and traps, we should be focusing on mercy and compassion and forgiveness and hope and faith, even if we screwed up big time today, tomorrow we CAN and WILL do better, we won't force ourselves to comply with fear compulsions, we won't hurt ourselves on purpose or otherwise, we'll be wise-- and we'll do all of it with God.

Why do you think these bloody bad voices keep trying to keep you away from Dream World? That's all Virtue, too.

That's scary, Laurie, how viciously hellbent those voices are on locking us in hell that way.

Don't let them, kid. They have no power if you don't unlock the door.

Open the window instead?

Let the sunshine and fresh air in, yeah. Let God in. Forgive yourself, forgive us, for our mistakes and failings and confusion. She's trying her best too, kid, even if she's totally bleeding lost at the moment. She doesn't know better.

I know. I feel deep pity and compassion for her, and I want to help her. I forgive her, Laurie, I just don't want her doing this stuff to us and herself again. I just… she gets so scared when she's lost.

You've gotta be strict and patient, kid. Like me.

Yeah. …I'm sorry for doubting you, Laurie.

Kid, don't. That wasn't you, not truly. And hey, it's good to call me out on perceived thought-garbage whenever it comes up, too. I don't wanna screw up my function and drag anyone down with me.

You won't. We've gotta have faith in that, too.

And live by it.

Yes. And with that I'm going to close up and focus on good things so we can sleep without wanting to tear our hair out in despair.

Trust in God, kid, remember what Monsignor said. We can't do a bloody thing, but He can, so stop putting up walls and open your heart to His love.

I just need to sit in that. Absorb it, and let all the walls just dissolve.

Hey, remember when I was the one with walls?

You helping me toss these, then? What goes around comes around?

Absolutely, kid. Life's a heck of a lot better and more beautiful like this.

I know. It's how I naturally am.

Then stop letting other things lie to you about that. You know who you are, be it without shame.

Easier said than done?

Only if you believe that lie.

Ah.

Be you, kid. Find a new name that reflects your new life. Find what defines your new life as something greater and brighter than the past three years. Okay?

Okay.

We'll get there, kid. Don't lose hope. Now I'm closing this up for once or it's never gonna happen. Capisce?

Haha, yeah.

There you are, kid. I missed you.

…I missed me too.

…I love you, kid. I only want the best for you, and everyone in this System.

I know. I do, too. for what it's worth.

Good. Then let's both protect those people we love, together.

All right. …Yeah. I've got devotion to that.

Hold onto it, then. Let it burn away all the dross. …And would you look at that, 11/11.

No coincidences at all, huh?

Not even in the least.

 

therapy today:

mom came with us. this is fine; we love her and we all agreed on this. she has data we don't and talks better and is basically a huge help towards the "external life aspect" of therapy that we, personally, tend to struggle with greatly (being so acutely internal).

main topics:
1. eating disorder issue: origins, current symptoms, how to treat
2. were you abused, when did it start, basically "what the heck happened as you've never talked about it." mom assumed a lot and it was entirely false but it at least helped us see what she thought initially, and allowed us to clarify things in a more step-by-step manner in that respect.

nevertheless, despite those being the focus, branched topics were all over the place because we literally closed our eyes for the whole session and let our mom talk for most of it at first, then just responded as needed AND SWITCHED AS NEEDED (which we can do if we are in such a "detached" state) which allowed a lot of honesty. so if something came up, it came up. nothing was censored, we wanted to make progress here just as much as everyone else.

as a result of the standby mode + switching madly on the downstairs level, I can't say what happened for most of it, but rest assured it was VERY productive and informative for everyone.

the eating disorder topic hurt to hear mom describe, because it was an outline of all the "bad stuff" that we hate, and are ashamed of, and want to stop but don't know how yet (or at least, didn't quite then).

that segued into a RELIGIOUS discussion briefly, not sure how, but there was a lot of talk about "feeling spiritually filthy" AND "spiritually empty" and, most importantly, "never feeling close enough to God," and how THAT was the ultimate "wound" that the eating disorder was trying and failing miserably to bandage up.

somehow we ended up discussing the "I need someone to hit me if they love me" thing, tied to "retribution=forgiveness" and the childhood fear of "if I'm not punished, it means they don't care about my soul, and I'll NEVER be forgiven" etc. all tied to laurie and the retributors, all discussed so much in the past, still terribly relevant.
but I'm glad it was brought up again because our mother thought we were trying to "make her hit us" as TRICKERY to get her in legal trouble??? which is bizarre, so I'm glad that someone inside was at least able to defend our real motives there.

there was a lot of religious discussion concerning that-- guilt, and shame, and "feeling filthy," and "never feeling holy enough," and "I'm a stain on the world" and "I cannot forgive myself" et cetera. all the very wretched and excruciating thoughts that have been running on constant aching loop in our heart and head for months now, louder than ever, but which originated in childhood. it's at the root of so much self-abusive behavior… just this awful self-destructive hope of sorts, that divinely inspired despair at realizing how dirty your temple of a body is, and wanting to tear it to shreds and rebuild it totally anew to finally be worthy of God… but getting tangled in the tar-thick feelings of mortification and self-hatred and rage and despair. ugly ugly stuff, and like I said, it feeds every bit of abusive behavior we've ever had, I think.

mom started to cry a little at some point and then stuff got twice as interesting.

immediately, THE "RAGE" alter fronted, like a freight train. she's partly internal so she has a KICK when she fronts and it opened our consciousness a bit too.
but, she was actually hurting the body as a way of trying to reroute the "rage" at seeing mom cry? punching, biting, pulling hair. growling, voice a loud harsh bark, almost hyperventilating from overwhelm. she said she was furious-- but not at mom!! she was mad THAT she was crying. she blamed herself, it was all GUILT. she felt dirty/angry/wrong, it was unbearable, and so she was REROUTING that by "punishing" herself? that plus the pain took away the anger towards mom, and allowed her to "let her cry." otherwise, 'rage' wanted to hurt mom? to make her stop crying instead? bizarre. very important though; did we ever fully discuss why that happens? check!

at this, the therapist said, you need a better way to let the anger out. rage said "I don't know how," response was try CRAYONS. we said yes, please, but she only had markers & chunky colored pencils. we said "those are the wrong texture," but we would try the pencils (markers are too smooth, they don't "do" rage). however, when we got them the anger had faded to anxiety as we were now obsessing over colors in the absence of correct visceral texture. the rage wasn't quite black, or red, or yellow-- and it wasn't blue, that was a sort of sadness, but not quite. at this the therapist said, "less thinking, more doing." so instinctively, we felt that the only real way to "let the emotion out" PROPERLY was through forgetting color entirely and going for FEELING. so RAZOR CAME OUT, flipped the pencil around, and just "cut" the paper with the blunt end of it (she started with black, then switched to red). she was TALKING while she did this, totally calm, saying she "does this all day inside," and it "makes her happy." said she didn't understand anger or sadness that the other people felt, but she knew it was there. notably she did ask knife "can I talk?" at first, wasn't sure if it was safe and/or proper.

KNIFE fronted on her heels to talk a bit, I think in response to something the mother asked? said he wasn't angry at people who cry-- he empathized, and wanted to "comfort" them ("that's what pink people do"). mentioned the children feeling such infinite sadness, how we couldn't cry because it either didn't stop (when they did) or it was "fake" (when tears were expressed by someone who wasn't meant to cry? like a manic social).

at some point, the rage alter came out again and the therapist said "just listen to me one second," to which rage said "I can't, but someone else can." so, cognizant of her own failing, she bravely (but difficultly!) stepped out, let go of that anger, and who stepped in but LYNNE! so she took a deep breath (the body was quite shaken I recall) and listened. I don’t know to what, but I'm so glad she's still acting as the "stabilizer" she was initially born to be.


the biggest thing about therapy?
we have a game plan now.
we're getting a FEEDING TUBE.
yes that's a bit major, but THANK GOD, because it's exactly what we need right now. our body is obviously nutrient starved-- emotions are a mess, we can't think straight, we can't ever eat enough but are always hungry physically and psychologically… and the physical symptoms are a whole other scary list on their own. but right now, medically, our body CANNOT eat the food it needs to get enough nutrients. we have too many limitations, and then psychosomatically, too many foods are dangerous and/or unverified medical problems (like nuts & seeds). so it's a real hellish struggle every day, and it's just making us sick and miserable, and quite frankly the feeding tube will be a gift from God in the respect that it will:
1. give us those nutrients,
2. without having to obsess miserably over food, AND
3. therefore removing the hours of abusive prep time/ purging/ etc. of the eating disorder hell.
plus we'll probably get a few bonus days in the hospital to get it in/ adjust, which is great because our June hospital visit was shockingly recuperative and spiritually powerful and Pax was born there for heaven's sakes. we've always been fond of hospitals, but that was our first overnight stay, and we honestly would not mind another one (and may even need one right now).

there's only one concern about this tube really:
we're afraid of the "void" that rears its head when we don’t eat.
like the sad alter said (jess?), the eating disorder itself is a rerouting. it's NOT the real issue. it's a shoddy attempt at covering up a wound. if we didn't eat, we'd be doing something else just as repetitive and abusive and time-consuming: like locking ourself in the bathroom and cutting our hair and skin and nails and everything for hours (which we have done; the sensory aspect is just like the purging). so you see it's just a like locking ourself in the bathroom and cutting our hair and skin and nails and everything for hours (which we have done; the sensory aspect is just like the purging). so you see it's just a symptom of a larger issue. it's a distraction, something akin to physiological "noise" to drown out whatever is lurking in the silence.

I forget how therapy ended; I think we just reiterated points like the above… but all I know is, for whatever reason, as it wound down, jay came out, quietly.

and jay noticed razor's paper on the couch, and his heart kind of melted with an ache; he picked it up gently, and softly said, "she's never done anything like that before… this means a lot to me."
and then he reached into our bag, to put it away, and he opened up the folder.
the red one, with hearts on it, and all our pictures and handwriting inside it.
and he started sobbing.
he covered his face with it and hugged it and just wept. the therapist asked what was going on, and he said,
"this is it. this is what we're missing. this is what belongs in the void we're trying to fill.”

…

somewhere along the line, we internalized this idea that "if someone is suffering more than we are, we don't deserve to be happy as that's abusive and selfish. we need to make ourselves suffer just as much."
motives may be good, but really, how is total self-destruction going to help that other person suffering? empathy won't give them food or shelter or clothing or love. it'll just make you too damn tired and sick and weak TO help them with those actual needs.
it's twisted, and we NEED to untangle and soothe it, but that's a process. we'll work on it.

and the key word is always "we."
WE ARE JOY. the very realization of our collective existence, the instant tapping-into of it, is bliss. we feel complete, we feel alive. we become able to dream again, the future opens up into a kaleidoscope of doors and windows, we learn how to hope…
none of that is possible if WE don't exist. all good things require our multiplicity.
happiness is absolutely on that list.

somewhere along the line, that "I must suffer" mindset decided that burying and suppressing our multiplicity was somehow both "a proper sacrifice" and "a way to suffer intensely." I think the former was "because our multiplicity is too weird/ an inconvenience/ misunderstood/ etc. and therefore by trying to murder it, I'll make other people happy!" and in the process, if you were spiritually bleeding, all the better, right?
no. no no no no no.
you've got it all wrong.
NO GOOD HAS EVER BEEN ACCOMPLISHED BY ABANDONING OUR MULTIPLE IDENTITY.
suppressing "us" has ONLY EVER HURT OURSELF AND OTHERS.

do you see??

JOY IS A VIRTUE. and a very important one too.
our existence is joyful. it's healthy, and LOVING, and full of faith and hope and charity.
we take care of ourself and we take care of others and we are GOOD PEOPLE.

by turning that off… what do you hope to accomplish?
you're just afraid, afraid of "hurting people by being an abnormal freak," when you poor thing, if you'd just pause and look at the big picture you'd see that you never hurt anyone with being a multiple system, you only hurt people by IGNORING IT.
all the abusive alters? they ignore and deny the system.
all the lost and damaged alters? they ignore and deny the system.
all those people you're afraid of offending by "being a freak?" honestly if they're thinking of you AS a "freak" I wouldn't lose any sleep over whether or not you're "hurting their feelings." if they would judge you so harshly, if they would deny you compassion and any attempt at understanding or care, then "hurting their feelings" is playing to their judgment, NOT any sort of genuine concern for your spiritual well-being. and if that IS their concern, explain to them how our multiple state PRESERVES our spiritual well-being!! you can do that!

I'm talking too much, I'm sorry.

the ultimate message here:
we're allowed to be happy and healthy.
being happy and healthy will allow us to take better care of others.
we CANNOT take proper care of others if we are denying ourself sleep, health, and happiness.
if you would deny yourself those things, some part of your subconscious is going to have no qualms denying those things to others.

you are not whole if you won't acknowledge your whole.

do you understand?

we are joyful, together. forgive yourself. allow yourself to participate in that. I guarantee you, the wound will heal. it will take time, but it will heal.
hurts heal faster in loving company, too.


we'll survive this, if we admit that we want to survive (we do), and we are allowed to have that happiness (we are).
a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
so stop stuffing yourself under a bushel basket.

let yourself be warm and bright, and then share that exuberance with everyone you meet.
you can't give what you don't have.

open your heart and let the light flow in.
you can't help but radiate, when it does.

we'll be okay.

 

 

I found some more to-be-heavily-revised drafts, this time from the “prequel” for Dream World.
I really, really love the ending of this one, and will keep it in the story somehow. Nevertheless, the conversational context here is being edited entirely for the final version, so here you go.

 

(Opal and Sage have recently met Deropélé, a Prophet Bothki. He is speaking to them here of their shared roles, as they have never met another one who knows, let alone, understands what they are before.)

Deropélé shook his head. “…I was unaware of my role for many years; all but oblivious to the greater purpose I had been given. It tore at me. I felt it in my blood, every moment. But I was not blessed, as you have been, young Wisdom. I had no word for my calling… nor did anyone I met.” He shrugged lightly. “How could they know?”
“Wait,” Sage broke in, distracted by sudden astonishment. “No one else could tell? Or even guess?”
Deropélé again shook his head. “Not a single soul.”
“But …” Her voice trailed off. She couldn’t wrap her mind around the notion. How could they not tell? Every person she had ever met carried a word with them, as clear to her as a song in the air was to her sister. And sure, her sister couldn’t feel those words, but… Sage always assumed that was because her sister had been given a different gift. But they were only two people! Surely someone besides her could have told this old creature what his word was?
“Most have forgotten that part of themselves,” Deropélé explained gently, noticing her bewilderment. “Creatures like you, who can feel and explain those old roles, are rare. There may not have been one like you for hundreds of years.”
“Hundreds?” Opal gasped on behalf of her sibling, who was now entirely speechless.
“It may sound incomprehensible, for one your age. But it is possible, this I know.”
“Have there been others like you in hundreds of years?” Opal questioned.
Deropélé laughed. “Hundreds of others. I began my life as a Sebit, the same as any other Bothki.”
Opal shook her head. “No, I mean like… like all three of us, I guess.” she clarified. “Creatures who can see things, and feel things.”
“There have,” he nodded. “Not many, but there have been others.”
“How many?”
“I would not know. But there are some who might.”
“Who?” Sage spoke at last, forgetting her confusion in the sudden light of hope.
“The same ones who would know their old roles.”
Sage’s ears pricked up. “You mean not everyone forgot?”
The moth’s dark eyes glimmered as he nodded. “Not everyone. There are some who remember, who promise to never forget. They are old species in this World, dedicated to the Light and the Prophets.”
“Prophets? Like us? Opal marveled.
“Like us.”
“Wow!” the little dragon exclaimed.
“…Why?”
Sage’s voice was quiet, confused, scared. Deropélé turned to her, listening wordlessly as she continued. “What are we?”
“We are Prophets,” the Bothki replied simply. “Messengers of the Light.”
But now Sage shook her head violently, suddenly unable to bear the weight of everything in it. “Not just that. I still don’t know what that means, not really, but…” She let out a huff, blinking back tears. “You’re a Bothki. What are we?” She spun to catch her sister’s eyes, desperately, before returning to the elder’s quiet stare. “You said you were born alone, but there are still so many other creatures like you. Opal and I, we’re…we’re just us. And now you’re saying that there haven’t been creatures like us in, in hundreds of years, and there are entire species out there looking up to us and…” She stopped, feeling helpless, but her sister was still watching her. She swallowed hard.
“I don’t feel very wise right now,” Sage confessed at length. Deropélé was still silent. “I feel like I don’t understand anything anymore.”
“You do,” the old Prophet finally spoke, quietly.
But Sage felt inconsolable. “Like what?” She cried. “From what you’re telling me, it sounds like all I know are things that no one else even understands!!”
“And that is what it means to be a Prophet.”
Sage fell silent. Somehow, like a tiny key turning in her heart, that made sense. She didn’t know how to put it into words, but… somehow, if only a little, she understood.
“I am sorry,” Deropélé continued after a few moments, “for giving you so much to ponder at once. I did not mean to overwhelm you.” He looked to her in honest apology, and Sage found she couldn’t hold it against him. He’d probably dealt with these same feelings when he learned what he was, after all.
“It’s okay,” Opal broke through her thoughts, a welcome smile to her voice. “There’s a lot to learn!”
“About that,” Sage continued her train of thought aloud, carefully. “If you didn’t know any of this stuff when you were born either, where did you learn it from?”
Deropélé smiled. “From the same individuals I was speaking of before you stopped me, understandably so. Do you recall what I said about them?”
“You said they remember things no one else does, like the things I feel in people, and that they’re dedicated to the Prophets like us somehow. But they taught you?” Sage added quickly, amazed all over again.
Deropélé nodded. “They did.”
“But how did you meet them? Did they find you like you found us?” Opal inquired.
“No. I found them,” Deropélé explained, a hint of weariness in his voice. “It was a long and arduous task, but I found them. And because they remembered who they were, they knew what I was, even when I didn’t. They taught me what no one else could possibly know.” He paused. “But even they had no word for my calling, the single force that led me to them, and to you. They had no word for it because it was not their answer to give me.” He spread his two hands out towards the Sisters, his eyes brightening. “It was yours.”
“Portent,” Sage answered, almost automatically. The word was strange to her, but the feeling…
Deropélé nodded. “Portent,” he repeated, pronouncing it like the name of an old friend. “I was always waiting, always watching. I always felt like something was on the horizon. I was told the feeling was common for a Prophet, as a herald of the Light, but they couldn’t know the truth. I did not have the feeling. I was the feeling.”
“What do you mean?”
“It took me many years to understand it myself. But I came to realize that my reason for existing as a Prophet was simply to prepare for those who would come after me.” He was silent for a moment, almost reverently. “My role was to be a harbinger, nothing less, nothing more. I waited for a lifetime, to play that part. But now…” He looked from one child to another. “I prayed for wisdom, to recognize this moment. Now, I can only look on in wonder. Two Prophets, born together as sisters… how perfect,” he reflected, “how perfect.” Then he leaned back and closed his eyes.
“I have been waiting for you. Perhaps the world has been waiting for you.”
Sage glanced at her sister. “What do you mean?”
Deropélé said nothing for a moment, but then his old face broke into a wide, serene smile. It was strangely grateful, as if this was the last time he would ever wear such a true expression, and the first time he ever had reason to do so.
“Something great is about to happen to this World,” he murmured. “Something great but terrible.”
“Great and terrible?” Opal squeaked, her pink eyes wide. “Why both?”
Deropélé opened his tired eyes, his face unchanging. “It will be a time of wonder; great wonder, but at the dark and light alike. And it will be accompanied by a great wisdom.” His eyes moved to Sage, who met them with a candid seriousness. “Great, but terrible. Wisdom is one of the Virtues, one of the most precious, but it is a heavy title to bear. Your paths will be troubled, Sisters. They will be rough. But such is the path of a Prophet, the path I have also walked, and will walk until I return to the Light.” He again closed his eyes, and was silent for a few moments, as Sage marveled at his unwavering smile. It, too, felt great but terrible: a tranquil mouth speaking such words.
“You must promise to love one another, Sisters. Always, and in all things.”
At this, the two children exchanged glances, Opal failing to hide the lines of joy around her eyes. “We will,” she sang.
Deropélé looked at her, but his own smile was fading. “Always.”
There was a note of apology to the word, which was followed by silence as clear and heavy as a bell. Sage said nothing.
“…This World has waited long for Love to return. I have waited too. I still do.” A pause. “But I am young, and you are younger still, in the great jewel of life.
Love is the greatest Virtue, but great in its humility, great in its meekness. When one turns to pride, love suffers. When one turns to fear, love dies.” His gaze did not waver. “Your paths will be troubled, sisters. But you must never fail to love one another. In the end, that may be all you need. It may be all any of us need.”
“Need for what?” Sage asked quietly.
“Everything,” the old Prophet whispered in response. And although corners of his mouth turned up once more, he couldn’t hide the apology in his eyes.
Great and terrible, Sage thought to herself, solemnly.

(So I was just typing out rough ideas for Dream World the other night and this one happened.
I really like it, even if it’s somewhat unrefined, so I’m going to share it with you.)

# dreamworld # jewelmonsters # justice # revenge # text post # btw they're not literal 'brothers' as we understand it # but it's the closest word i can find for their genetic closeness that is easily understood so # in any case their relationship is one of the most interesting gorgeous and heartbreaking things i've ever seen
 

Justice & Revenge are sitting somewhere together, about a foot apart, looking out over a vista view, probably of the city. it is overcast, smelling like rain.

…everything is gray and the entire sky feels like it is about to cry.
revenge is staring out at it, a look of directionless, anxious sadness on his face. he’s somewhat distracted and pensive. the breeze picks up.
justice is watching him, from the right. he’s visibly holding back his emotions but they are too powerful and honest and he is failing.
his mouth keeps shifting into a tight frown, and he keeps biting his lip, trying not to sob. his eyebrows are knotted with the same feeling, his eyes wanting to look away from his brother, to hide this, but unable to. he leans in and reaches out with his left hand, to gently cradle the side of his twin’s face with it. revenge’s eyes widen in surprise, but he does not flinch. he only turns his head slightly, causing it to nestle more completely in justice’s hand, as his brother pointedly wipes away the blood from that eye with his thumb.
revenge’s face crumples and softens both, just enough, at this sudden compassionate gesture. there is a sort of delicate hope in his face as he now watches justice pull his hand back, thumb still held up with purpose, still wet and red.
justice meets his too-fragile eyes with a gaze holding more contrition and resolution than he’s felt in years. his mouth tightens once more to match his throat, his breath now as full of waiting rain as the clouds. his blue irises are floodgates faltering before a sea.
justice pulls his hand in close, and with all the purpose of a priest, presses his brother’s blood to his heart jewel, and pushes down.
his entire body hitches in the same direction and a sob helplessly wells up from his throat, something desperate and burning and full of the ache that’s been living in his too-empty chest.
revenge’s eyes widen, still locked on the red-streaked gem, still painted with disbelief. his mouth opens for a moment, but his face is pulled tighter than his heartstrings as well and he cannot manage a single word, cannot manage anything but a shaky breath as his eyes now meet his twin’s, flooding crimson all over again.
he tries again to speak. his voice catches on something shattered and he falters, his shoulders crumpling into it too, everything in him slowly collapsing in the wake of that tiny consecrated motion before him.
and all at once justice is moving again, turning on his knees, both hands reaching out this time to cup revenge’s face as the distance between them finally closes– and revenge gasps, as suddenly and deeply as if he had been struck, as justice presses their star jewels together.
“show me everything,” justice whispers, his voice fierce and soft like distant thunder.

and for a moment revenge is too overwhelmed to do anything.
his entire being is intoxicated with hope, inundated with the sudden contact, the intimacy of it, with what this all means–
then revenge takes his brother’s face in hands that never thought they could touch something so holy, and squeezing his eyes shut against the agonizing joy, opens his mind to him completely.

new therapist, second appointment

notes from paper immediately after session ended:

★PRINT STUFF! she needs basic refs!!
★ start bringing morpheus everywhere again and taking AUDIO NOTES on everything notable that day/ moment. we are losing so much info from work and from daily life because we're not recording it fast enough, and then dates+details get lost. that isn't good!


drawing= gave us markers. drew tree, house, person (no face!!)
realized we were drawing SYMBOLS. inherently empty.
THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T "JUST DRAW"; subject needs a context/life in it?
we cannot draw "a" person, or "a" house-- those are empty concepts! BUT we can draw a specific person or house, and the detail+effort jumps SIGNIFICANTLY as well because we are trying to portray a truth.
BUT that very fact includes heavy responsibility of proper representation. this can be overwhelming, often terrifying. why we don't like drawing people; it's like a photo legend, you're "capturing a bit of their soul" in that and you CAN'T LIE. therefore the thought of making a mistake in representing them isn't just a "visual error," it's a LIE in the same way the young wizards books tell it and that is HUGE.
is that true?
either way, we need a way to manage that better so we CAN draw again.

julie fronted, talked a little.
therapist let us then draw anything= we drew a shining heart, a pink lotus (julie drew), leaves/swirls, stars (lynne drew, having lots of fun)

talked about Spectrum. MOST CENTRALITES SPOKE UP.
javier= surprised us that he came out; spoke a bit about red? barely fronted though; he's not comfy with talking outside yet so i'm just aware he was there, not what he said. i can still feel lingering pain in him over the reset of dec 2013? and how that damaged red. HELP HIM HEAL.
lynne= all the orange talk. true to her description, she was very easy to talk to and very merry in her disposition; honestly of everyone upstairs she probably has the least trouble fronting on a dime and talking to TOTAL STRANGERS. most internal people don't even know how to front in social contexts, but lynne just comes right out smiling.
josephina= trying to correctly describe yellow; mentioned how it is tied to the "screaming" feeling (not anger, JUST screaming, like a blind hell sound) and anxiety, BUT that it shouldn't be "defined" by that heavy negativity? said he was trying to emphasize the goodness of yellow-- sunlight, flowers, things like that. but said it was still a difficult process.
nathaniel= describing green as a sort of "neutral" color in the system? notably, "not gray neutral;" said green was HORIZONTAL and gray was VERTICAL? in terms of their balancing feeling. green was like an expanse of grass; a safe and comforting and calm "baseline" for everything to rest upon/within? like that's green, that very feeling of "safe rest."
leon= describing the vibe of the indigo realm, trying to put into similar words the feeling of that color in and of itself-- mentioned the fog and snow and quiet, and the dusky color, but said it was NOT negative or depressing or oppressive? said it was that sort of "before night" feeling, there's a life to it, even in that silence; indigo is about COMPREHENSION in the "inner sight" way? hard to verbalize. it's understanding something, not a "lightbulb moment" but more of a "getting the truth" in a more solid, permanent click. settling in. but the indigo vibe itself is all about being tuned into that discernment and openness of mind and such. also mentioned "indigo is SCALES" and touched his necklace. still not sure how that applies exactly?
laurie= out for a short time; she has trouble just "chatting" and wasn't quite sure how to express herself so quickly. i know she was trying to describe the feeling of violet but it's so powerful, both in its nature and in what it means to her, she couldn't find the words. i remember mentions of it being "like a soldier" but with devotion/ dedication/ protection, how it was that sense of "giving your life for something" out of that same ardor and compassion? but violet is also independent in that it "evangelizes" or something??? in how violets will actively go out and help/ teach/ guide others without making themselves a teacher in the school-like sense; they're more like "voices in the desert?" i remember that concept being totally under-described, we don't have the ready vocabulary for it yet. but it's very important.
julie= besides her drawing, i don't recall what she said? i know she was describing pink as being feminine and soft and pure and caring, but besides that general known info i don't know what else was disclosed.
eros= made it very clear that cerise was "lustless sensuality" and that this was DEEPLY IMPORTANT to us, not just as a system/ as individuals inside, but also in how we interacted with the ENTIRE OUTSIDE WORLD. we do need to talk about this more, it's so important
sherlock= no idea? he mentioned it was data and knowledge, and i think he revisited nathaniel's "balance" bit, but he didn't front for long.
waldorf tried to talk but couldn't, kyanos peeked in and maybe said a few words?
spine, infinitii, and jay DID NOT FRONT OR TALK.

we found it interesting that the colors we couldn't make with markers-- lime and aqua-- were the two colors that STILL had no Centralites assigned to them, and which still felt unstable.
PLEASE GO INSIDE AND FIGURE THIS OUT ASAP.

wattson talked mainly this session?

"definitive person" concept for colors? i.e. "if a person perfectly embodied the attributes of this color, what would they be like?" lynne described orange!
orange is warmth and ebullience and "the kind of person who lights up a room" and "could befriend everyone in a room full of strangers" etc. like our dad, but with an extra "gregarious" (key word!) warmth.
interesting because orange isn't social for the sake of being social?? like oranges are perfectly fine being alone? they're just always a hearth. kind to animals and children, take care of houses, always smiling. "big guy" build vibe, like a gentle giant without the shyness. we NEED to type about this stuff more in depth, it's fascinating

BLACK is "safe" motherly because it is "SPACE"/ a concept field, NOT A PERSON!!!
pink is NOT motherly, it's virginal?? too clear/pure.
(white= "true masculinity?" NO ADULTS concept)

talked briefly about system levels, socials + context locks, faceless/nameless phenomenon, socials having no sense of self, SELF ONLY EXISTING IN A VACUUM???

going home= abusive; "it's an abusive place SO we abuse ourself there"
HOLDING PATTERN (inescapable social mode??)
we have NO addictions away from home? if we're on the road all day we don't even THINK about harming ourself, EVER. but automatically when we walk in the door, that automated addiction starts IMMEDIATELY.
WE NEED TO REDEFINE THE CONTEXT OF THE HOUSE.

tied to symbol-drawing of house: therapist asked what it'd be like to live there, we said "you couldn't;" it was just a depiction. BUT, if you could, it would feel like a very anxious 'interim.' like you weren't supposed to live there. it was just a "standby place," someplace unfit for "living in." thought that was interesting.

talked about razor, the jewels, sylvain in brief.

COLORS!!!!❤



questions to ask ourself in the aftermath of mistakes/ missteps/ bad situations:

1. what did you do right?
2. what could you have improved?
3. what were you aware of?
4. what would you do differently?
5. what would you do the same?

 

 

 

 

Interesting thoughts while watching kill la kill.



(started august 18th; continued through august 21st)



There's still sheer terror tied to sexuality, as well as "obligatory submission,"
except.
except when jay is in charge.

I once heard a saying like, "to overcome fear, embrace it." It's something with healing PTSD I think; how you have to be able to DEAL with what scares you, head-on, right there, without giving it power.
Long story short, the only way we're going to get past a fear of sexuality is by not letting fear eat us alive, and just giving in to what WE actually feel.

Which is, Jay's infinite platonic affectionate love for EVERYTHING.


This show's going to have a massive impact on us, I just know it.



(stream of consciousness gets data better; write this that way)


- scene w/ teacher fanservice was first scary one. not jay watching though!! "2007 girl" with no solid name. very scared. jay took over, "all right, what if I was ryuko?"

really,
jay just wants to kiss everyone,
he does not care, it's all fine with him, as long as it's platonic. and he'll defend that, while pushing limits, because he's not scared, he DOESN'T FEEL SCARY STUFF.
so by not getting shackled by fear, he stays free.

⋆ WILLPOWER is huge in anime.
"if you lose mentally, it's all over"


episode freaking three

"the fact that you are embarrassed by the values of the masses only shows how small you are! if it means fulfilling (my) ambitions, (i) will show neither shame nor hesitation… even if (I bare myself) for all the world to see! my actions are utterly pure!"
^ surprisingly relevant line. can be used for good or bad ends!

the "get naked" thing in the aspect of naked=open is HUGE for us

"you need to become my skin" that whole concept is so interesting

"the more my heart was closed, the more you yearned for a blood connection!"
"you are wearing me, and I have been put on by you"

the ending theme lyrics changed to we

THE FREAKING MARRIAGE PARALLELS
AND THE GORGEOUS FANSERVICE+BODY HORROR TRANSFORMATIONS
I LOVE THAT


episode four starts with so much more connection/care showing between them? so fast?
or did the ep3 connection imply a deeper bond initiated?
type about that more

also I LOVE MAKO. she's fearless in her honesty and simplicity, it's fantastic.
I want a buddy like her irl to be honest. someone sweet & enthusiastic & grateful but also with a skeleton of steel, so to speak.
just the way she talks to people is AMAZING.

also. it's always been a goal of ours to GET THAT WILLPOWER anime talks about.
like, ryuko's personality, that determined "I can do this/ I'll kick your ass because I have something worthwhile to fight for" bit. we USED to be like that waaaay back in childhood and it got buried?
we need it back, ACTIVELY. softness is vital but it needs to be balanced by what laurie tends to hold almost exclusively lately.
more than anyone else, JAY NEEDS IT.



this show is so over-the-top, I love it.


I've noticed that school star life-fiber wearers are proud and rely on their own power?
like in k6bd, the "poor swordsmen" who only care about winning?
whereas ryuko is relying on her strength with senketsu. it's that tandem thing. partnership.


ohh and that's gonna be the issue of ep 5 isnt it.

"victory isnt determined solely by who has the superior physical abilities."

see that's the thing about protagonists like ryuko right now. too much fire. too much arrogance in it. she's not being as humble and open as she needs to be, she's not being truly vulnerable, which will allow her to use that fiery power BETTER, in a true way. without being burned by it.


oh my heart
when mako shows up (bless her) and frees senketsu,
and ryuko catches him, and her eyes, and she just holds him--

"let go of it"
"you'll have to pry him out of my cold dead hands"

this show is killing me at last thank you oliver

oh and thank god trigger dude is the best dude. I love when characters like him-- like bismuth, really-- who are doing harsh things because of deep pain, are suddenly shown a truth that they were unaware of and it resonates with something deeper than the pain and they shift. they stop hunting, they start protecting.
I love that. I love that, it's so important to me. I'm so glad he had that realization.
"they care for each other"
and suddenly he cares for them too.

"you and i need to become even stronger. no, we can become even stronger. if we're together."


I NEED SLEEP SEE YOU TOMORROW





"this is the resolve of a man who has realized the error of his ways and sacrificed everything!"
that is what WE need to do.

resolve is key here. resolve and willpower. what jewel monsters hold those?


"the eyes of the mind"
VEZERAI parallel


"prosperity will lead to greed, and greed will lead to their eventual downfall! once they have a taste of wordly pleasures, they're enslaved by them forever!"

that is horrifically relevant to our current situation.

greed is the current vice we're fighting. I'm dead serious.
the eating disorder isn't an issue. it's the fear of lack, the fear of "going back to the slums," growing awful rotten teeth and grabbing everything it can hold, wanting solely for the sake of want, terrified of ever having an empty stomach or empty hands because that feels too much like the void it clawed its way out of.

well you know what?
I miss the void.

…

"it was just a nasty glint."

and then there's the turnaround we need.

"people aren't as weak as you say they are! people can suppress their desires through sheer willpower!"

god's given us that exact chance, RIGHT NOW.

good. let's DO THIS.



"…we learned that obsessing over short-term wants isn't any good."
"yes indeed, there is luck in the last helping."


"that is what discipline is about!"
"even if no one disciplines me, I discipline myself!"
"by shackling myself and whipping myself mercilessly, I tried to set an example… 'see my behavior and correct your own!' they would mend their ways of their own accord. to impose order on (their) independence… and to those who still refused to learn, I held back my tears and gave them a taste of the cleansing whip! …if you refuse the whip of love, then you leave me no choice!"
"your independence is revoked! I'm going to mold you into a proper student!"

well doesn't that hit far too uncomfortably close to home.

"become obsessed with resolve, and even that will turn to arrogance."

we need to think/talk about all this stuff asap, seriously.

"when it comes to haphazard attacks, the most important thing to do is dodge them."
"evasion impossible?"
"make a crazy attack even crazier, and it'll hit."

metaphorically this applies to our current situation, so

"what I want is data. not victory."

AND THAT'S THE DAMNED SCIENTIST.

we were just thinking about the splinters yesterday, how scary that was. remember how "the scientist" started out as one of them? the most dangerous one.
his original role may (thank god) be dead, but in this new war against new vices… I think he's still around, or at least, his anchor is.

think about it. these "food addictions" aren't even wants. they're COMPULSORY, because someone keeps wanting to know WHAT THEY DO when we eat them.
the current killer is coconut. we know it's not safe, because
1. oil content causes the dreaded "deep nausea" that makes us want to die
2. it is never kept down; it is too bulky and oily, it WILL be immediately purged
3. it causes phlegm coughs, awful stomach aches, bowel distress, etc. IBS stuff
4. it is bloody expensive
5. it is literally a "waste food;" it is bought TO be purged basically. we are too afraid to swallow it so it doesn't even count as food to us.
BUT someone keeps buying it BECAUSE…
1. it has "the best texture"
which is FALSE. we choke on it. yeah it's interesting sensory-wise, but that's bullshit. we're not spending our hard-earned money on fucking mouthfeel experience.we should be buying FOOD. not luxury wasteful crap.
2. "someone said coconut is good for you and we SHOULD eat it"
ignoring the "bad" symptoms which "shouldn't happen" and forcing it.
but I'm tying this all to the scientist because,
3. data keeps getting wiped after we eat it, and the addiction continues because "I want to try again and see if anything different happens this time."
it's all intellectual, detached bullshit, and it is KILLING us when tied to the "forcing" issue.

you know, we did really beautifully well today until someone ate that coconut. that's the forcing. that's the damned scientist not accepting any data other than what matches what HE wants to be true. some shitty scientist he is.

but enough of that. back to klk.



"surely it's more important to know the rules than it is to know shame"
^ SEE THE PREVIOUS TOPIC.

"a skyscraper built within your heart will never fall down."
literal headspace.
god, that's just too relevant, and so hopeful


it's too late, were going to end up killing ourself if we don't stop pushing too hard, goodnight.



the bit about tuning forks and pure tones and heartbeat is just
terrifically resonant

thanks for that.

(do revisit that entire concept/topic again btw because it really is just that resonant)


"I cannot analyze something without data"
yeah but do we really need to freaking analyze EVERYTHING

isn't there more to understanding? truly so, with us?



HOOOOOOLY SHIT

I AM SO GLAD WE STAYED UP TO WATCH THIS EPISODE THE PLOT JUST EXPLODED


okay we'll continue this tomorrow (later today) fo'reals BYE




"in other words, the deeper the hatred, the deeper the love grows."
nui is so unsettling. what is her deal.
her utter disregard for the fourth wall is just as disturbing, really.

THAT BODY-HORROR FUSION IS AMAZING (and disturbing, but talk about design)

I don't know what's going on with the starry black water but it's gorgeous

"you will become even stronger. it is merely a rite of passage."


"what is clothing?!"
"clothing is sin! man's original sin!"
"indeed… when man ate the forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge, he became ashamed of his nakedness and covered his nethers with fig leaves. from the tie humanity first gained free will as human beings, it has been his fate to cover his body in the clothing called sin… we alone know man's sin and create clothing for clothing's sake!"

"clothing is the world! the grand will that wraps the heavens, the earth, and mankind, covering all."

what is with ragyo's hair it's gorgeous.


I have to admit, I like Kaneo Takarada's design & voice. I'm not sure what it is about that character style that I find so interesting but I do. I think it's that rolling casual edge? (older jewel talking)

"this is a non-euclidean space creation ritual… use this as a basis for a paradox painting!"

⋆ "an escher topology attack… the divine four formation employs geomagnetism to envelop this location in special electromagnetic waves, thereby causing disruptions in the nerve signals of the human brain. the picture they just drew altered this area's phase space and disrupted its geomagnetism! in short, they have negated their barrier!"

using art in a reality-altering sense like that is SO COOL.
and it's very resonant with us. keep that concept in mind for both magicwarp and dreamworld as well, as it's just as relevant to them as it is to us.

"pomp and circumstance 'em" followed by the sudden barrage of heart-shaped shockwaves was so great.
reminds me of my old fei-yen. gosh I love her, I miss her!

⋆NAME THE "LJ TYPER" WHO WRITES LIKE THIS.

"I'm getting stronger?" "it's because you're blinded by greed! you're so desperate cause you're fixated on your desire to get Senketsu back to normal."
"I'm not the usual ryuko matoi right now. I'm a ryuko matoi who's blinded by greed because what she wants is almost in reach."

this is one heck of a double-edged sword.
I wonder if "greed" is the wrong word. or maybe, this is a doorway to transmute greed into something virtuous? like here, ryuko is using it as a sort of fiery determination, as a good want, that she's "greedy" for to the point of absolute fixated dedication?
type about that more.


"what I struck was their hearts."
"it is not money that rules men. it is fear."
^ like we just said, the "greed" issue isn't about wanting in and of itself, it's fear of lack.
that can only be overcome by TRUST in God's providence, which is a constant, so open your heart okay?


"right next to you is the safest place"


"have you forgotten the rage in your heart that wants revenge for your father!?"
"I haven't forgotten! but I'm done wallowing in it."
"I'll live for the desire of what's almost in reach, without getting lost in the rage."

the statement of ambitions not justifying their means is very important.
satsuki's "lofty ambitions" annihilated a whole city, and ryuko says she will not tolerate that misuse of power. ryuko fights to protect her friends, and in doing so she does not commit violent "necessary sacrifices" as satsuki does.

"prove it to me with deeds, not words!"

"you would be failing to avenge your father."
"I can't sacrifice the lives of others to do it."


PLOT TWIST



I love how it's a plot point now how none of the "good guys" are wearing clothes.
it makes me think of that one finale episode of sailor moon, how nudity is presented as something good and natural instead of something shameful, which honestly I am sick of.
we don't talk about it much but nakedness is viewed as pure in headspace which is why we were SO ANGRY when the hackers were trying to corrupt it. well they failed, inevitably.
but it's still an awful thing in media. nakedness is typically used as a "bad" thing. even just bare skin is viewed as bad. we're tired of it. so this is deeply refreshing and relieving, it makes me smile (and laugh at the execution; this show is still so over-the-top but i get the gist).


…I didn’t mention this, but what terrifies and sickens me the most about ragyo is the way she just passively molests her own daughter.
and in the context of the show, I realized something.
if this series was genderbent, that behavior would probably be met with immediate outrage and screams of "gay rape" and junk like that. but, here, with two women, I was shocked to find that my mind saw this as normal.
there were no cries of "lesbian rape" or anything like that.
my brain honestly thought, "that's just what women do."
and then I realized,
when you are raised as a female (at least, in our experience), clothing serves to objectify you, even to your own parents.
how many OTHER little girls were "passively molested" by their own mothers?? felt up while wearing pretty clothes, commented on concerning their "sexiness" and "shapeliness" before they even hit puberty????
how many other little girls were shoved into pageants and weddings and plays and all the while, makeup and fucking clothing were used to turn you into nothing but a mirror of lust, a consumeable doll???
too many, I bet. it's revolting.
so ragyo feels like a personification of that, to me.
it's nauseating.

and all the heroes are naked, and it's not being sexualized, and I'M REALLY GLAD ABOUT THAT.
it's the ironic flipside of what's "usual" and it's frankly what my life has already been like.



ryuko's existential crisis is breaking my heart.
seeing her react with such utter rage, with cutting EVERYONE out of her life and just surrendering to despair and hatred, is almost unbearable.

what the hell did she DO TO RYUKO


”it'd be child's play to reawaken her by making her experience intense existential terror."

"even if smashed to a million pieces, if a single fragment remains, the whole can be reconstituted!"

both those things are 100% headspace/DID relevant. too much.


I want to say I hate nui and ragyo but the truth is I'm terrified.
I am literally scared sick of them. scared to death. when I see them my stomach hits the floor.
they remind me so much of the abuse we forcibly forgot.
I don’t ever want to endure that hell again, but they are it, they look so much LIKE it,
they are almost literal personifications OF it,
god it's scaring me so much.


oh
"that is the bliss of slavery."
so that's what happened to ryuko. this isn't her at all.

possession parallels too, huh

(I do like the explanation for why senketsu's outfit form is so revealing; that’s interesting)



I have never been so upset/disturbed by an anime before; I am honestly an anxious wreck right now.
god I hope this ends well, please.

oh THANK GOD

"I have to take it off, even if I die! because if I don’t, I'll never get to wear senketsu again!"

god that's a shot to the heart


I have to be up at 5 and it's going to be 1 when I finish episode 22 and I don’t care.
I need to see how this works out. I have to.

and this episode is gorgeous

"I understand now. The world is not cut from the same cloth. It is because it is overflowing with inexplicable, unidentifiable things that the world is so beautiful. fight at my side so that we may protect that world, ryuko!"

I
I was just thinking this exact thing on the drive home today.
seeing all the little warm lights in the windows of people's houses, windows down with the sweet night-forest air pouring in, the sunset all vivid blues and pinks splashed across the heavens.
I nearly cried with joy. I loved it all so much. I want to protect it all, and even better, I want to protect it on an individual basis.
the world is not cut from the same cloth. protecting the world as a conglomerate concept doesn't do it true justice.
you have to protect the world as its heart. as the people. as every little precious tiny thing, in and of itself, as part of the whole.


"don't let their love for you go to waste. be happy enough to make up for our cursed family."

there is so much love in this series, I adore it.

two more episodes to go.
let's do that tomorrow, after I get some precious little sleep.

(I love this ending theme so much btw; it's adorable)

BTW THE DIFFERENT LYRICS ARE REALLY IMPORTANT.

"it's been easy to blame someone else for my failure, but if I keep doing it, there will be no tomorrow for me. I was probably just lazy, I'm sorry."


she's not going to kill them (yet) because they're "precious energy sources."
that's deeply upsetting.
it's blatant disregard for the sanctity of life, plus objectification.


"I will atone for my shameful behavior through my actions!"
"behold the power of my freed ego! the shackles undone and all pride cast aside!"

this super transformation is GORGEOUS

"the closer I come to dying, the stronger I bounce back"


"you can't drag the past around with you forever!"

clean cut from the past/ present selves better than past selves/ sheathing the old sword/ moving on and graduating
VERY RELEVANT THEMES TO OUR LIFE RIGHT NOW

"he'll always be with you in your heart."






WHAT A GREAT SHOW, SERIOUSLY

 

 

 

 

I DID IT
I FINISHED THE THEME FOR MAGE ANGELS

It was entirely a happy accident but I adore it. It captures exactly what I want this series to feel like, deep down in its bones; all delicate bittersweet hope… glittering beneath a night sky full of dying stars.

I hope you love it too.

 

 

I keep thinking about how, lately, all I want is a domestic life, something simple and pure and good and quiet, and I feel like I will never be able to have that because I'm too much of a freak.

(who is typing this)
(let authors shift as needed. this sentiment is tangled and divided among many people)


- houses at night, driving through twilight: people sitting on porches, walking with their kids, etc. warmth from kitchens and living rooms.
wanting that sort of loving serenity and not remembering what it's like

- that ancient, ridiculously persistent want for a "life partner" of some sort
- tied to GIRLS though. social emphasis. boys in the system are INTERNALLY BASED

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@9:18 PM

 

 

what did you learn from the fourth of july?

we're all gonna die.

make yourself hard to kill.

be a warrior, not a worrier.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@11:57 PM

 

 

*deep breath*

JASPER


#I ALREADY LOVED HER #WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME #i have so many feelings over this episode #AGAIN #but this one hit like a punch to the chest #all over the place #yes smoky quartz is ADORABLE #and very important #and peridot's little speech meant so much to me tonight #and steven is SUCH A SWEETHEART #that kid is honestly an inspiration to me #and amethyst's existential dilemma was hitting too close to home #but. #the thing that got me the worst about this whole thing #is JASPER #not just because of the massive plot relevance she holds #but also because #there's too much of her in us #too much of that raw brutal vicious hurt #and we need to think about this more #thanks jasper #thanks rebecca sugar #this show is a blessing #steven universe #jay talks #FIRST BISMUTH NOW THIS #my heart is going through the wringer this week good lord #i just want the buff and bruised gem ladies to find peace and healing #i'm sure they will but #in the meantime it aches

 

 

 

 

The past few days have been in "compressed time" mode which means that, despite only being about 100 hours, it feels as if it has been 100 days.
The "indian food" hell lasted exactly 3 days, which is typical, and stopped as suddenly as it started, thank God.
The similar tied obsession with the vanilla coconut butter lingered until today due to it having an "incredible texture" and therefore being latched onto by one of the eating socials, the young one (12? 13?) who doesn't understand suffering and genuinely is a good kid but is too careless as well. Yesterday we bought a bunch and planned to save it but as usual, the "God warning" of everyone in the house suddenly swarming the kitchen the instant we try to eat happened, and lasted for several hours, so we were unable to focus. Therefore no data stuck, which was very bad because apparently we got disastrously ill from the oil content, as someone added what had to be an entire extra jar of it to the mixture. It's a blur; virtually the whole day is missing from memory.
Today we tried once more and it went well until someone actually swallowed like two spoonfuls and immediately we had a compulsive vomiting meltdown. This is not intentional; it is a body reaction and we need to be very mindful of those as they are not under our control.
We did make a good salad today, and Emmett and Aimee ate it mainly. They also "shared" it with the Phantomilian Jewel, who is the "writer Jewel" (age 12?) who has strong fronting roots and probably counts as a pseudo-core, but who, today, realized that she is NOT an artist or musician, but an idea channel. She's tied to the "outspacer root" potential, so she can't create on her own, but she can easily create within other existing contexts. Therefore she's trying to hold a Phantomilian form because not only would that reflect her more individually, but also because nonhuman forms are much, much safer. Also I should clarify that despite using "she" pronouns, this Jewel, too, counts as childhood-androgynous which basically boils down to them not giving much of a hoot about gender in general.

August has been declared to be "no addiction month" and we are extremely hopeful and grateful and excited for it. The past two weeks, as was mentioned in the previous entry here, have been similarly time-jammed in that tons of healing events are happening ridiculously fast and with actual completion tied to them. We have no idea what could have instigated this sudden dramatic progress jump (besides prayer) but we are not complaining ot picking it apart; we are simply inundated with thankfulness and are doing our absolute best to respond accordingly to such vast improvements by integrating them as quickly and entirely and smoothly as possible.

There's not much else to say about today. We are going to watch tonight's Steven Universe episode and then possibly put our thoughts together concerning the marathon so far, if we have any such thoughts. We tend to just absorb, not analyze. So despite being deeply moved and inspired by much of what we've seen in the past 10 episodes, there's not much to discuss. But we will try to make sure.

We are trying to sell more items as we are desperate to make some extra money to pay off debts ASAP. This is exhausting as the process of photos and typing and listing and all that technical work is actually mentally taxing and it wears us out very quickly. But it must be done.

We also want to get back into composing music but ever since last winter's computer crash, the program hasn't worked properly. We aren't sure how to fix it, as we lost half our instruments and half our files, and furthermore the files we have left largely won't open or play. So that alone destroyed a lot of our motivation.
Nevertheless we realize that there are alters built for writing music and if they have to start again from square one they probably can. We need to find them and ask them to work instead as they are the only ones who can.
One very, very notable thing about this topic that Jay discovered by accident while listening to the old iPod is that, for us, the most potent and powerful and instantaneous way to summon an alter is by music. Music is profoundly important to us as a whole, on every level, and its most interesting quaity is that songs are literal bubbles of time. Any given song that we know has an exact mood and time period tied to it, and this can be used for good or ill, and it is virtually impossible to rewrite or overwrite once it has been established. Certain alters are practically fused to certain songs, and those songs are the ONLY way to even find certain alters, most notably socials, as their existence requires "internal ignorance" and as a result our levels generally aren't even conscious of each other. But music bridges that gap, as far as summoning goes. This is vitally important.
The point I'm making here is, we know exactly what songs are tied to certain time periods of university and such that resonate with artists and musicians. If we can listen to those songs more and let those alters simply move in and take over-- even if they do still think it's 2009-- then we can "get back into" art and music effortlessly, because for those alters they never stopped to begin with.

Speaking of winter, it still feels as if we haven't seen a single once since 2013. Last year is missing entirely, and 2014 feels like a timeline already dead to us. We haven't quite adjusted into any sort of solid timeline in the wake of all that mess yet, but hopefully what we're experiencing now is that process finally occurring.

We have not been sleeping well, averaging between 3-5 hours a night for about two weeks now. Same with food, when we do eat it's one meal a day and barely scrapes 1000 calories if we're pushing it. We have not been keeping track due to the huge amount of switching and dissociation tied to eating but we are aware that it hasn't been smart. So this is not helping our health. We have also been too haggardly weak to exercise post-hospital but we are trying our best to at least get back into walking again. Our best option would be to start doing our nightly kitchen walks with the iPod again, as those were a solid hour of pure System meditation every day, and God knows we need that more than anything else currently.
We listened to the entire Todd Rundgren concert we recorded from earlier this year while walking about two weeks ago, and that night is already solid and beloved in our memory, just wandering in tired circles while reliving that experience and watching bone broth simmer on the stove at 12am. It's such an odd but lovely thing to have memories sticking again like that, but again, it's shown that only certain kinds of memories stick, and we need to be conscious and full of wonder and love tohave such memories. Numb and selfish and ignorant and manic alters cannot remember things.

Jay downloaded a few GBC/GBA ROMs and he is playing the Pokemon GSC trio in his downtime to help relax. That trio is very dear to our collective heart, as it was practically Jewel's native world back in 2001-2002. It has the same "at home" feeling that Nier and Klonoa and the Genesis Sonic games do-- it's hard to explain, but the simple sight of the scenery, or the sound of the music and sfx, is not only deeply comforting but also grounding. Like the general experience of those games feels safe, and right, and good and true and happy. There are a few other games that fit this bill to an extent, but when it really comes down to could I exist in this game-world as a PERSON, then it gets very individualized and Nier & Klonoa win out. This is a topic we should write more on, remind me. It has that heart-glow quality to it that indicates it has enough love tied to it to inspire a great deal of writing.

We're learning to tap into intuition again, and the future-hope of getting Pokemon GO is helping greatly, as we're going to join Team Instinct not just because Zapdos is beloved to us, but because a team based on faith/ intuition/ trust is exactly our vibe. But, with that in mind, we keep reminding ourself to check our instinct" when we make tricky decisions and it is helping a LOT. Our gut feelings are very reliable, surprisingly and thankfully. What I wanted to mention though is that in order to properly use this intuition we have to channel Zapdos. We're used to channeling all sorts of monsters and characters from all sorts of worlds, and Pokemon takes up the majority of such sorts, but it's still eyebrow-raising to realize how easily and smoothly and quickly we CAN begin "channeling," or even becoming, a new Pocket Monster with solid roots and a function, even if they only exist within that function. That's no issue though, as many of us nousfoni exist like that as well, as it's far less stressful and confusing than trying to exist as a "conglomerate" in too many situations. Splitting things up is more efficient and healthy for us.

We are trying, very hard, to get back to living AS a System again. The two sole obstacles in our way are:
1. the grandmother not quite understanding the concept at all due to a simple life-view and religious blinders, and
2. the mother and brother constantly insisting that we're "fake" and "making it up for attention" and "toying with their minds," etc.
These are huge stumbling blocks, especially the second, as their reactions to us quickly became so brutally accusing and scathing and scary, that we began to shut down instantly in their presence, and after so many weeks the socials were forced into full-time function despite their being lethally broken and damaged, solely because the mind decided we could not survive living as our true self because we couldn't cope with this family response. That's why we're a mess right now; our psyche LITERALLY judged that mental suicide was "safer" than asserting our existence because let's face it; we were having so many breakdowns it was unreal, and we could NOT cope. We got too sick too often, we landed in the hospital, we couldn't recover from that well either... you get the idea. But now we have enough evidence saying "hey we know this seemed like a viable option but it's killing our mind AND body now so it needs to stop." And the mind is letting us come back, BUT it's scared because we still live with the mom & bro and they are still completely unaccepting of our System's existence. But we just need to accept that and ignore it. It's all we can do, is just leave the room when they start. I know the kids want to start screaming and sobbing but that just makes the family members react with even more acidity. So we just need to bail, and take time for ourself, instead of sticking around and shutting down and having to deal with the resulting forced-out numb social's eating disorder abuse. It's a coping mechanism, it has to be. They've said, many times, that they "feel they have no reason to live other than eating," and maybe that IS true, what with their highly minimal functions. They're forced out in stressful times to numb everything out and "just survive," not existing beyond that crude goal, so "living to eat" may indeed define them exactly. HOWEVER it's notable that they're now aware of this and unhappy with it. This first spark of self-awareness is the prerequisite for a social to become an internal, gaining a color and a face and a name and a life, and God knows that if we could get THOSE socials to that point at long last, all our biggest problems would stop dead, beautifully so, and we'd be free to actually exist, to actually live again, as us.

That's all we want to say for now. Our mind is getting into borderline poet mode (things are becoming more imaginative and floaty) so I cannot type anymore or I will be pushed out and someone else will be pushed in. This is not bad, it's just not proper for this entry. Let them write their own, unhindered by topic context. We need their free-flowing thoughts just as much as we need this data. It's crucial to stay bright inside, it defines us all.

I wish you all well tonight, and thank you for reading this.