the spectrum heart cathedral system

("mental flexibility" workbook pages from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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List 11 of your favorite sounds.
1. Cello
2. Handbells
3. Rain at night
4. Cathedral acoustics
5. Latin/ Russian choir
6. Tiny jingle bells
7. Snowfall
8. That RUN in Milliontown
9. The opening to Black Light Machine
10. The Marywood music rooms
11. NiER Gestalt menu sounds

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"How do you get to know yourself?"
ASK EACH DAY, "WHAT AM I LEARNING ABOUT MY: INTERESTS? STRENGTHS? WEAKNESSES PREFERENCES? CAPABILITIES? LIMITS? BELIEFS? FEARS? HOPES? etc." Be OPEN AND CURIOUS about your life and existence, inner and outer, in every moment.

"What does it mean to get to know yourself?"
It means DISCOVERING the DEPTHS & DETAILS of your OWN UNIQUE LIFE & PERSONALITY, as DISTINCT FROM OTHERS. It means EXPLORATION, SEARCHING, TESTING, FEELING, & LOVING OPENNESS TO LISTEN & TRUST THIS. You HAVE to ASK QUESTIONS & HAVE CONVERSATIONS with yourself, AS SOMEONE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW-- AND LOVE.

"How can getting to know yourself be of benefit"?
You will be able to live FULLY and AS A WHOLE PERSON. You will recognize your DISTINCT IDENTITY. You can SET PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. You can DISCOVER your OWN GIFTS & TALENTS & PURSUE them in the ways that RESONATE with YOUR SOUL. You can LIKE yourself AS yourself, and HONOR that. You will be ABLE to have REAL relationships with others!

"What's the opposite of getting to know yourself?"
DENIAL, PEOPLE-PLEASING, FORCED BEHAVIOR, CODEPENDENCY, SELF-DISTRUST, DISSOCIATION, LACK OF CHARACTER, LOSS OF PURPOSE, EMPTINESS, AIMLESSNESS, INSINCERITY, UNABLE TO SEE YOURSELF AS SEPARATE FROM OTHERS, AFRAID TO TRULY EXIST.


"List and describe some ways you can learn more about yourself."
REGULAR XANGA SESSIONS. DAILY HEADSPACE COMMUNICATION & NIGHTLY HEADSPACE MEDITATIONS. SPOTIFY SESSIONS WITH THE COREGROUP, WITH AS MANY PEOPLE SINGING AS POSSIBLE. NIGHTLY JOURNAL ENTRIES & DAILY NOTES ON EVERY NOTABLE EVENT WITHOUT EXCEPTION. PICREW. TUMBLR RESONANCE POSTING. PERSONALITY SURVEYS. REVIEWING THE ARCHIVES REGULARLY. DAILY LEAGUEWORK. DAILY MASS & HONEST PRAYER. ADORATION HOURS. LEAGUEWALKING AT NIGHT. EXPLORING NEW HOBBIES & INTERESTS. LEARNING TO SAY BOTH "YES" & "NO" WITH CLARITY. READING SCRIPTURE & THE CATECHISM. TIME WITH FAMILY & REAL FRIENDS.

"How do you not get to know yourself?"
NOT TAKING TIME FOR SELF-ANALYSIS & SELF-REFLECTION. IGNORING EMOTIONS. DENYING/ HIDING THE SYSTEM. NOT PRAYING. ISOLATING. NOT GOING UPSTAIRS OR INSIDE. DESTROYING YOUR BELONGINGS. RUNNING FROM THE PAST. NOT TRYING NEW THINGS. NOT JOURNALING. NOT DOING ANYTHING CREATIVE. DENYING YOUR LIKES/ DISLIKES/ VIBE. LIVING TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE. NOT SAYING "NO." NOT BEING WITH THE ONES YOU LOVE. REFUSING TO ENJOY LIFE AT ALL. ISOLATING FROM OTHERS. CONFORMING MYSELF TO OTHERS. FOCUSING ONLY ON THE PHYSICAL WORLD. FORGETTING THAT YOU'RE A CHILD OF GOD AND A CORE!!!

✳ YOUR HEART HAS A PERMANENT CORE OF:
● FAITH
● LOVE
● CREATIVITY
● PLURALITY
IF YOU DENY/ IGNORE ANY OF THOSE TRUTHS, YOUR SOUL WILL DIE. YOU KNOW THIS. IN ORDER TO BE YOUR TRUE SELF, YOU MUST USE YOUR CREATIVE GIFTS ZEALOUSLY & LIBERALLY, YOU MUST PRAY & WORSHIP, YOU MUST LIVE AS THE SYSTEM CORE AND YOU MUST BE IN LOVE. (and you ARE!)

✳ your BIGGEST obstacle? NOT YET "KNOWING" YOUR OWN FACE AND NAME. You NEED to OWN BOTH the "BODY NAME" AND THE "SOUL NAME." AND YOU NEED TO DRAW YOURSELF IN A WAY THAT FINALLY EMBRACES THE BODY GOD GAVE TO YOUR SOUL, AND ANCHOR INTO THAT VISIBLE FORM INSIDE!!

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"How can you better plan your days for success?"
Focus on VALUES & PRIORITIES. Schedule in activities FOR character building & creative work. Focus on GOD/ GIFTS and RECOVERY LIVING! And it's a FLEXIBLE schedule. As long as I GET TO MASS, exercise ≥1 hour, and do BOTH League AND System work, I'M GOLD. Everything flows with given time. DON'T GET RIGID OR LAZY. Live with PURPOSE! You will be ACCOMPLISHED AND ALIVE!

✳ Ideally, MORNINGS are all about WORSHIP & PRAYER; EVEN EXERCISE MUST BE IN PRAISE TO GOD! START THE DAY RIGHT WITH THE LORD!!
✳ EVENINGS are all about CREATIVE WORK. NO EXCEPTIONS. (MAY PUSH EARLIER AS NIGHTS GET LONGER? WE NEED DAYLIGHT TO WORK!)
✳ FOCUS ON STORY BUILDING, ESPECIALLY PLOT, CHARACTER PERSONALITY/ DESIGN, & ROUGH DRAFTS-- even if they don't end up being canon at ALL. STILL, WRITE!!

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"What are some foods that make you feel good?"
Fresh, watery vegetables/ Crunchy sweet carrots & apples/ Light, cool, crisp foods?/ COLORFUL foods/ Fresh fish?/ Lettuce RIGHT OUTTA THE DIRT/ Fresh, wholegrain bread?

"What are some activities that make you feel good?"
Being outside and joyfully wondering at nature, freely imaginative Leaguework, playing music, high-intensity workouts, exhausting but productive outside work (with nature), singing? Running, hiking, maybe sports/ dancing? STRETCHING. Taking care of others. Doing small but solid acts of kindness.

"What are the things in your life that build you up?"
Church/ Adoration, Scripture, the encouraging & honest words of others, seeing the good creative works I HAVE accomplished, reading our archives & seeing our LOVE & HOPE & PROGRESS, feeling valued by my family and church, hearing that my creative gifts HAVE inspired & edified others

"What are some other ways you can add positive influences to your life?"
COLLECT inspiring/ edifying images, songs, quotes, etc. Watch uplifting & beautiful films? Connect with a CREATIVE COMMUNITY that is HONORABLE & JOYFUL. GET INVOLVED IN THE LOCAL CHURCH COMMUNITY. Take time daily to DO WHAT YOU LOVE, and spend time with the COREGROUP. Make good Christian friends and do good things TOGETHER? WATCH homilies/ lectures with messages of Godly integrity

"List some inspiring and fruitful ingredients to add to your life."
FAITH, PIETY, JOY, HOPE, COURAGE, GRATITUDE, WONDER, ZEAL, INTEGRITY, DETERMINATION, COMPASSION, WISDOM, INDUSTRIOUSNESS, PATIENCE, DEDICATION, SINCERITY, INSPIRATION, PURPOSE, TEMPERANCE, PEACE, INSIGHT, CLARITY, LOVE, TRUTH, BEAUTY, GOODNESS, and GOOD HARD WORK!

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"Write down everything you want to let go of."
CNC/ SLC
BULIMIA/ ANOREXIA
"MAKING MYSELF SMALL"
GUILT/ SHAME OVER SEXUAL TRAUMA
NEVER ASSERTING MY BOUNDARIES
FOOD OBSESSION
BITTERNESS
FEELING USELESS
SELF-DOUBT
UNRESOLVED RAGE & GRIEF
CHILDHOOD WOUNDS
COMPULSIVE MIMICKING
"I'M A BAD PERSON"

"What will happen when you let go?"
There WILL be a "space" left, that I CAN FINALLY fill with GRATITUDE & PEACE? I will be FREED from COMPULSIVE RE-LIVING/ LOOPS? I CAN BE MY OWN PERSON. I will be able to MOVE INTO a SPACE OF HOPE, MERCY, AND HEALING. I can "BE A GOOD PERSON" (UNSHACKLED)

"Why do you want to let go?"
It's IMPRISONING ME in MERCILESS, LIFE-DESTROYING NEGATIVITY. It's IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO GOD'S GOOD & LOVING WILL/ PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE! I CANNOT MOVE FORWARDS & LIVE VIRTUOUSLY IF I KEEP "IDENTIFYING WITH" NEGATIVE THINGS.

"What happens to the things you let go?"
They lose their power over me, AND they are ALSO freed from the negative prison MY "holding on" was trapping THEM in, too. LETTING GO makes ROOM for REDEMPTION & RECOVERY.

"Why do we hold on to things that we should probably let go of?"
They DO affect our history/ identity POWERFULLY, and the wounds can go so deep they feel like they REDEFINE us. We fear losing our IDENTITY in some way if we let go. But it's ONLY because we FORGOT WHO WE TRULY ARE, apart from those things.
✳ HOLDING ON to HURTFUL THINGS makes our hands BLEED when we try to grasp ANYTHING ELSE?? To LET GO, we HAVE to "PULL OUT THE THORNS" ENTIRELY.


"Now write down everything you want to hold on to."
(BREAK THE SHACKLES AND WEAR THE GOLD)
THE SYSTEM
THE LEAGUE
HOPE
MY FAITH
"CHILD OF GOD"
MY FAMILY
MUSIC
CHILDHOOD JOYS
CHILDLIKE WONDER
ZEST FOR LIFE
SENSE OF ADVENTURE
"YOU INSPIRE ME"
"I LOVE YOUR WORK"

"What aspects of your life do you want to maintain?"
ground in/ maintain MY VALUES =
(UNSHAKEABLE JOY, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, INTELLIGENT FAITH, INDUSTRIOUS PATIENCE)
INTEGRITY, HONESTY, COURAGE, KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM, HOPE, DARING? COMPASSION, VULNERABILITY, SINCERITY, DEPENDABILITY, RELIABILITY, TRUTH, KINDNESS, BEAUTY, FIDELITY, TRUSTWORTHINESS, PIETY, WONDER, CREATIVITY, MERCY, SELFCONTROL, ZEAL, etc.

"What aspects of your life do you want to grow?"
on track/ grow MY AMBITIONS =
● Become a published author, accomplished musician, & skilled artist
● Use my "gift of speech" somehow: singing, speeches?? counseling?
● Bring honor & peace & joy to my family; help reunite us in mutual love/ healing
● Make full restitution for ALL the damage I've done to others and myself in life
● Achieve a holy balance of piety & mission; not becoming either scrupulous or impious
● Somehow be genuinely & respectfully recognized & known for my love for Chaos 0
● GET BUFF & ease/ strive into a fully recovered lifestyle
● LIVE FREELY & PASSIONATELY IN AND FOR CHRIST!

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"If you could design your brain to be exactly the way you wanted it, what would your mind be filled with?"
✳ DIGITAL & TRADITIONAL ARTISTIC SKILL/ TALENT IN ALL MEDIUMS + VISION, INGENUITY, ELEGANCE, HARMONY, "3D MIND", IMAGINATION!
✳ PERFORMATIVE & COMPOSITIONAL MUSICAL EDUCATION, SKILL, TALENT + PITCH, DEXTERITY, RANGE, MEMORY, LYRICAL SKILL
✳ WISDOM, INSIGHT, REASON, UNDERSTANDING, COMPREHENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF THE STRUCTURES OF THINGS, ABLE TO GRASP "HOW IT WORKS"
✳ PRODIGAL LANGUAGE SKILL = POETRY, FICTION, SCREENPLAY, SPEECH, ARTICLE, ADVICE, ETYMOLOGY, VOCABULARY, ETC. + PROLIFIC AUTHOR & POET & LYRICIST & SPEAKER
✳ HOLY SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE; TRUE EMPATHY, DIALOGUE, WARMHEARTED, SELF-GIVING, PASSIONATE FOR JUSTICE; EDUCATED ON HUMAN PSYCHE, CULTURE, BEHAVIOR, HEALTH; FULLY HONOR THE REALITY OF BEING INCARNATE; "LIVING SACRIFICE"
✳ ABSTRACT REASONING, SPATIAL JUDGMENT, INTUITIVE SOLUTION DISCERNMENT, PATTERN RECOGNITION
✳ THE CREATIVE GENIUS OF A CHILD
✳ WONDER, ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT, DARING
✳ MENTALLY ATHLETIC (BODY TOO)
✳ POLYGLOT, POLYMATH
✳ TRUE PIETY, LOVE, HOPE, JOY
✳ MATHEMATICS & LOGIC
✳ VIRTUE, INTEGRITY, SELF-CONTROL, SELF-KNOWLEDGE, PURPOSEFUL, DRIVEN, MOTIVATED, FOCUSED
✳HONORABLE REPUTATION; HOLY LIFE AND DEATH
"FIAT VOLUNTAS TUA!"

"What makes a healthy mind?"
WONDER, OPENNESS TO CHANGE & GROWTH, LEARNING NEW THINGS & SKILLS, CURIOSITY, DIVERSE INTERESTS, DAILY PURSUIT OF GROWTH/ ENRICHMENT

"What are some things you want to completely remove from your mental space?"
OBSESSION, TRAUMA, COMPULSION, SLOTH, LOW SELF-ESTEEM

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"Add some new energy you want to bring into your life."
(MAKE SPACE FOR IT; INVITE AND PURSUE IT!)
(ADD MEANING AND PURPOSE TO LIFE)
✳ FIND NEW (& FAVE) SONGS TO (UNIQUELY) SING & FINALLY MAKE AN ALBUM!
✳ PICK ONE LANGUAGE AND SERIOUSLY LEARN IT
✳ KEEP LEARNING ABOUT CREATION! (BIOLOGY, MATH, SCIENCE, ETC.) (SPACE TOO)
✳ READING CLASSIC LITERATURE, CHILDHOOD FAVES, NEW & UNIQUE LITERARY STYLES & GENRES, POETRY
✳ TAKE OUT A RANDOM BOOK/ MOVIE/ CD FROM THE LIBRARY
✳ VISIT A MUSEUM
✳ DANCE!
✳ "RENT" AN INSTRUMENT YOU'VE NEVER TRIED BEFORE; BUY A CHEAP ONE & PLAY WITH IT?
✳ EXPERIMENT WITH WRITING FOR NEW LITERARY GENRES/ STYLES OF POETRY; WORK TOWARDS GETTING PUBLISHED, EVEN IN A SMALL WAY (COLLECTION, CONTEST, ZINE)
✳ LOOK INTO/ DISCOVER/ LEARN NEW LITERARY ART FORMS & START PRACTICING! (FIND A NEW FAVE!)
✳ DISCOVER NEW MUSIC GENRES; GET ADVENTUROUS ON SPOTIFY & COLLECT INSPIRATION
✳ USE YOUR INSPIRATION LIST & BEGIN "TRANSPOSING" FAVE CHORDS & TECHNIQUES INTO FL/ NWC? STUDY FAVE LYRICS & LEARN HOW TO WRITE SIMILARLY TO THEM
✳ GET PUBLISHED ON SPOTIFY!
✳ EXPERIMENTING WITH NEW & UNUSUAL ARTISTIC MEDIA & STYLES, BUILDING A PORTFOLIO (LET JMC INSPIRE YOU‪‪ ♥‬)
✳ VISIT A LOCAL ART GALLERY? WORK ON CREATING SOMETHING FOR IT, EVEN JUST FOR PRACTICE (BUT MAKE THAT THE GOAL!)
✳ FINDING LOCAL PLACES TO MAKE POSITIVE CONNECTIONS WITH LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE & GET INVOLVED IN LOCAL COMMUNITIES/ NEIGHBORHOOD (ESP. CHURCH, CREATIVE, LIBRARY)
✳ TAKE A FULL DAY TO JUST HAVE FUN & EXPLORE
✳ ↑ "SYSTEM DATE" OUTINGS?
✳ GO ON A NATURE HIKE
✳ JOIN THE LOCAL GYM; WORK OUT DAILY & TAKE GROUP CLASSES; EVEN SWIM??
✳ GO TO THE AQUARIUM
✳ GO TO SOME LOCAL EVENTS YOU'D TYPICALLY NOT ATTEND? BE CURIOUS!
✳ SPEND REAL TIME WITH THE FAM DOING WHATEVER (ADVENTURE)
✳ GET INVOLVED IN ONLINE CATHOLIC COMMUNITY
✳ GET A CRICUT/ DESIGN SCREENPRINTS & STICKERS/ MAKE STUFF FOR THE LEAGUE/ MAKE STUFF FOR CHURCH (UNIQUE & WELL MADE & BEAUTIFUL)
✳ START A BLOG/ WEBSITE & START REGULARLY CREATING EDIFYING CONTENT + SHARING IT!
✳ TRYING NEW FOODS, VISITING NEW PLACES, KEEPING MY EYES & EARS OPEN TO INSPIRATION IN UNEXPECTED PLACES; CHERISH LIFE'S FULLNESS
✳ BE DARING!

● KEEP A CLEAN BODY/ HOUSE/ CLOTHES; REST; DO FUN THINGS TOO
● MAKE AN "ARTSPACE" IN THE LIVING ROOM!!
● GO TO LOCAL/ LIBRARY/ CHURCH/ FAM EVENTS!!

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"What do you want to receive in the mail?"
✳ LEAGUEWORLD FANART. = ART IS DIVINE and you CANNOT DRAW FANART WITHOUT A TOUCHED HEART. I want to SEE how the League LOOKS to OTHERS who LOVE it! I want to see how it images its beauty in THEIR hearts, unique & true! This is the MOST BELOVED THING to me. I will cherish even the tiniest scribble of loving art forever.
✳ LEAGUEWORLD FANMAIL = I want to HEAR, from the HEARTS of others, HOW & WHY the League has given THEM joy & love & even CHANGED THEIR LIVES. Dialogue & honest, vulnerable communication is vitally important to me & I need it. And the League is very much by soul put into media. To know it has done good things for others is bliss.
✳ WHAT I LOST = Part of me still wants that 2012 Leaguebox to FINALLY appear on my doorstep. That, and the little things I cherished as a child. But memories are seeds that can blossom into new life potential...
✳ SPECIAL EVENT ITEMS = Fahrenheit 451, signed. The double color FROST* vinyl records of Milliontown and Experiments in Mass Appeal (and Life in the Wires). Summer Wars steelbook. Really I just want to have more special events like those. Open your life to receive 'em!
✳ ANCHOR PLUSHIES = Genesis, Laurie, Xenophon, & Anxi. I want to embrace them in this physical world, too, even if only through this symbolic means.

"What would you love to regularly receive in the mail?"
LEAGUE/ SYSTEM FANMAIL & FANART.

"Why is receiving a package in the mail exciting?"
It feels like "unwrapping a mystery;" it's a "DISCOVERY" thrill.

"What time of year is best to receive a package?"
Christmas/ WINTER. The quiet, still, cold weather somehow gives more meaning & magic to sudden gifts arriving, like tiny miracles-- bundles of love and color and wonder in this blessedly silent season.

● Who CAN I send mail to? WHY am I so "scared" of the concept of a penpal? Is it because it feels like a "compulsion" for social/ verbal exhaustion, and/ or "forced disclosure"? Can I write letters while still respecting my boundaries? (I HAVE tried to have penpals multiple times and have failed miserably; I have a pattern of oversharing, rambling blindly, and "parroting" everything the other said in their previous letter)

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"When do you feel most stuck? How often do you feel stuck?"
When I compare myself to others who are "normal" & "successful," and when my poor mother voices her frustration & disappointment with how I failed to live up to those "standards." I then feel like I "should" be "further along" than I am in life, or otherwise "accomplished" in worldly ways. But MY LIFE IS DIFFERENT AND THAT'S OKAY. I'm NOT "STUCK" just because I've had many struggles & pitfalls. God is still orchestrating my life and I can ONLY "get stuck" if I RESIST HIS WILL. Otherwise, all I need to do is TRUST & BE PATIENT & LISTEN TO HIS VOICE & OBEY. If I follow Him, I WILL get WHERE I need to be, and WHEN I need TO be there. The world cannot know or judge that.

"What makes you feel stuck or isolated?"
I feel isolated for the same reason as I feel stuck: I fear I'm a freak, or aberration, or something "unfit" for/ "unwelcome" in "normal" society. I feel like I'm a reject, a failure. But that's a devilish lie. GOD LOVES ME & SO DO OTHER PEOPLE! I just need to STEP OUT & BE WITH THEM, and it will PROVE that I AM WANTED.

"How do you usually cope in these kinds of situations?"
My best ways to cope: PRAYER & LEAGUEWORK, AND SYSTEM LOVE. ALL of those things CONNECT me to REAL LOVE & PURPOSE & MEANING & BELONGING. They are my DOORS to the rest of humanity, the blessed cords that unite my heart to theirs in truth & beauty. If ANYTHING will INSTANTLY make me feel unstuck, it's FLOWING in CREATIVITY/ WORSHIP/ LOVE. In the BEST circumstances, these occur ALL TOGETHER. And THAT IS MY LIFE & PURPOSE & TRUE SELF. There is no need to compare myself to anyone else, or feel stuck. As long as I am connecting to love & joy & grace, I am truly living FREE.

"Write what you are feeling stuck with now."
Life progress. I WANT & NEED to move forwards in terms of "CAREER" & PURPOSE. But I'm on disability for the time being & cannot continue college due to that AND finances/ transportation... AND "direction." From my childhood I've felt CALLED to be an "artist/ writer/ musician." I HAVE talents & abilities in those fields, but they NEED to be developed. Do I have time? Am I too old to succeed in those fields? And what steps do I take to finally "make something of my life" in the world for other people? Will I finally make my family proud? I sincerely WANT to use my gifts & bless others by them. But I can't quite see what first step to take. I feel overwhelmed & confused & lost. How can I genuinely move forward at last in my life? I HAVE a purpose; how do I LIVE it out? I'm running out of time. I'm running out of life.

"What will loosen the lid?"
START NOW, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND DON'T QUIT. EVER. Maybe you CAN'T just "jump back in" to life/ career/ success. And really to expect to is unrealistic. BE PATIENT & DO THE GOOD WORK. Start building more skills. Try new things & keep learning & practicing & improving EACH DAY, because you OBJECTIVELY WILL IF YOU PERSEVERE! Yeah you may feel like you have the education & skill level of a child right now. GOOD. THAT'S A SOLID STARTING POINT, AND CHILDREN HAVE AN OPENNESS TO CREATIVE INVENTION & ORIGINALITY THAT ADULTS CAN LOSE TO THE "UTILITARIAN" RIGIDITY GRIND. If you're still a child in your talents, KEEP THAT AT HEART, EVEN AS YOU WORK TOWARDS BECOMING A REAL PROFESSIONAL. And you CAN. And you WILL, AS LONG AS YOU NEVER GIVE UP. God HAS GIVEN YOU REAL AND BEAUTIFUL GIFTS IN ART & MUSIC & LANGUAGE, EVEN NOW, AND GOD WANTS YOU TO USE THEM FOR HIS GLORY & PRAISE-- SO GOD WILL HELP YOU TO BE A GOOD STEWARD OF THEM, AS LONG AS YOU ASK HIM TO AND LET HIM HELP YOU! So DON'T BE WORRIED. Just START the work and GRACE WILL BE GIVEN, to BUILD on that nature. TRUST IN YOUR CREATOR. HE MADE YOU WITH THOSE TALENTS & INTERESTS & IDEAS, WITH YOUR UNIQUE DISPOSITION & PERSONALITY & HISTORY & CIRCUMSTANCES. He KNOWS EXACTLY how you feel AND where you are in life, AND HE IS IN CONTROL, ORCHESTRATING IT ALL WITHOUT FAIL, SO TRUST HIS PROVIDENCE AND ENTER INTO ITS FLOW. COOPERATE WITH GRACE BY MAKING SPACE FOR IT THROUGH MAKING TIME TO USE YOUR GIFTS AS YOUR GENUINE SELF AND TO KEEP PRAYING!! GOD WILL OPEN THE DOORS YOU NEED, WHEN YOU NEED THEM, IF YOU ARE READY AND WILLING TO ENTER THEM WHEN THEY APPEAR-- SO START NOW AND DON'T QUIT!! ♥

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"What moments in time and space would you place in a glass globe to revisit any time?"
✳ JULY 7TH, 2011
✳ The Xanga sessions when:
● Laurie let all her walls down at last
● Jay & Chaos 0 realizing Xenophon was theirs
● EVERYONE in the Coregroup got poetic at the end
● Laurie talked Jay out of suicide for TWELVE HOURS
● Infinitii & Laurie talked by themselves at first
✳ The night when Laurie & I lay on the car roof & watched the stars
✳ CHRISTMAS 2013
✳ Good Friday with the System
✳ When Jessie held my hand at UPMC
✳ When I saw JMC for the first time
✳ Eating a "wedding cake" cupcake alone in church in the dark
✳ Dancing with Xenophon in the kitchen in 2015
✳ Genesis & I at Marywood
✳ EVERY late night hour with Chaos 0

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"What do you need to enlighten your mind and calm your emotions? What do you need to be the best version of yourself? What do you need to be happy & healthy?"

✳GOD'S GRACE
✳THE ENTIRE SYSTEM IN LOVING HARMONY & FREEDOM
✳THE COREGROUP
✳GRATITUDE IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE
✳FREEDOM OF SPIRIT TO LIVE WITH THE JOY OF A CHILD & FIND BEAUTY EVERYWHERE
✳DAILY SELF-REFLECTION
✳DAILY JOURNALING
✳DAILY TALKS WITH THE SYSTEM
✳CONSISTENT, SINCERE EFFORT & WORK ON BUILDING THE LEAGUE IN EVERY ASPECT
✳UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE & EMBRACING OF MY BODY & STATE IN LIFE SO I CAN INTEGRATE IT ALL INTO A LIFE OF LOVING WORSHIP
✳COURAGE, HOPE, PATIENCE, DETERMINATION, VALOR, INTEGRITY, LOVE
● INEXHAUSTIBLE IMAGINATIVE VISION + INSPIRATION + CREATIVE GENIUS + ZEAL + CURIOSITY & WONDER + JOY + FREEDOM TO EXPLORE
● ARTISTIC/ ILLUSTRATIVE SKILL & ACCESS TO DIFFERENT MEDIUMS + SPACETIME TO FREELY CREATE
● MUSICAL EDUCATION & SKILL & ACCESS TO DIFFERENT INSTRUMENTS + DEXTERITY, PERFECT PITCH, VOCAL RANGE
● THE TECHNOLOGY & EDUCATION & CREATIVE GENIUS NEEDED TO COMPOSE OST MUSIC
● QUIET ALONE TIME
● RESTFUL SLEEP & INSPIRING DREAMS
● ACCESS TO THE WOODS & MOUNTAINS
● ACTIVE CHURCH INVOLVEMENT
● FRESH AIR
● LOVE OF FAMILY + INTERACTIONS
● TRUE FRIENDSHIPS + DEEP TALKS
● GET SMART
● GET BUFF

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"What would be the BEST GIFT to give someone?"
(GIVEN WITH = COMPASSION/ GENEROSITY/ EMPATHY/ THOUGHTFUL/ DELIBERATE)
(GIVEN FOR = NEEDS/ VALUES/ PRIORITIES/ WANTS/ DREAMS/ HOPES/ INTERESTS/ CAREER/ HOBBIES)
(GIFTS = "LOVE LANGUAGES"??)

✳ [GREEN]= He has changed SO MUCH, I'm not sure. He loves playing bass guitar, & is still into learning about "enlightenment" & the human brain/ psyche? But I think he truly values COMPANY. He's very affectionate & says he feels unloved. My BEST gift would LEGIT be CANCELLING THE BLOODY PFA & just opening that door TO welcome him back into my life as BROTHER & FRIEND.
✳ [YELLOW]= I need to get to know him better. All I do know is he loves FLYING/ PILOTING, PHOTOGRAPHY, and possibly PORTRAIT ART. I would want to support THAT with a gift. Does he need art supplies, or books for techniques? Would he want a new & professional camera? Maybe right now my TRUE gift would be to SHOW this care & interest in him, & start TALKING to him about it.
✳ [BLUE]= He likes anime now, & used to be into the music scene. He also works out ALL the time. I suppose one could get him a subcscription to his meal delivery service or online anime streaming. But what's his REAL NEED? I want to know. Maybe THAT'S a good "gift" from me to him-- a caring & interested sister, to TALK TO & ENJOY THINGS WITH.
✳ DAD= He lives a simple life & I don't get to see him much, but THAT is ABSOLUTELY the best gift for him-- QUALITY TIME WITH HIS DAUGHTER, and NOT "IN A RUSH" OR TALKING NEGATIVELY. I want to have UPLIFTING talks with him to give him HAPPINESS about his family. Give GOOD words!
✳ MOM= "Money" is only a means to an end. What she seems to WANT is BEAUTY & JOY & PURPOSE. I can give her MY TIME & LABOR to help her renovate the house & gardens. I can give her DECOR for the gardens? Maybe even a special plant or flower, to plant & grow? She DOES like sensory beauty too: dinner at a nice restaurant, her favorite perfume, tickets to a new show/ concert/ movie, pretty jewelry, etc. But for me personally I think the BEST thing I can give her is MY LOVE & HELP & FRIENDSHIP AS HER DAUGHTER. I can give her my committed presence in her life as she grows old, no matter what.
✳ IN GENERAL... I don't like giving "things" as gifts, possibly because I don't "value" mere "stuff" that much. Any physical-object gift I WOULD treasure would have to have REAL, DEEP, & PERSONAL meaning-- OR JUST TRUE SINCERITY on the part of the giver. Like these red heart pajamas. Mom got them for me not just to give me clothes to keep me warm, comfy & soft, but ALSO because SHE KNOWS MY AESTHETIC. So it was GENUINELY THOUGHTFUL and although they're not a "best" gift I DO cherish them truly, gratefully, with love. THAT'S how I WANT TO GIVE TO OTHERS. I despise "cheap" options like just cash or a giftcard UNLESS it's financing a REAL WANT/ NEED. I want to give MEANING. Which is WHY I ALWAYS GIVE CARDS WITH PERSONAL MESSAGES. THAT'S true gift.

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"Write some of your inflexible & stubborn thoughts & beliefs."
● I CANNOT BE MY "TRUE SELF" IF I AM "FAT"
● BEING "HEAVY" WILL MAKE ME SELFISH & CRUEL
● I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DISLIKE WHATEVER SOMEONE ELSE LIKES
● I MAKE STUPID AND HARMFUL CHOICES/ DECISIONS

"What are the thoughts and personal ideas that grow you?"
● I AM LOVED AND MY LIFE HAS VALUE AND MY SOUL IS THE SAME NO MATTER HOW MY BODY CHANGES
● EVEN THE "MISTAKES" I MAY MAKE CAN BECOME TEACHING LESSONS TO GROW EVER WISER & KINDER
● I HAVE MANY GIFTS & TALENTS THAT WILL BRING JOY TO COUNTLESS PEOPLE
● DISCOVERING MY UNIQUE PREFERENCES HELPS ME TO VALUE THOSE OF OTHERS
● A BIG BODY CAN BE POWERFUL TO HELP OTHERS

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"What does a "good time" look like to you? What are the similarities & differences with other responses?"
I DON'T like "crowded/ busy/ noisy" outings, like fairs, amusement parks, live concerts, church picnics, etc. A "good time" for me is more quiet, slow, creative, yet inspiring & inciting positive action-- I also don't like "just hanging out" or lounging. I value IMAGINATIVE/ ADVENTUROUS yet QUIET/ PERSONAL time? I DO want to LEARN HOW to have a GOOD TIME with OTHER PEOPLE without getting overwhelmed/ burnt out/ legit upset. This REQUIRES brave attempts with an OPEN MIND/ HEART and a POSITIVE/ OPTIMISTIC/ WILLING attitude! CHOOSE to have a GOOD TIME as much as you SINCERELY can. Commit to the effort!

"How can you have more good times?"
EXPLORE & TRY, then DISCOVER what YOU LOVE & ENJOY doing & "SCHEDULE IT IN" more! And BE OPEN to UNEXPECTED good times, too! If you're willing TO have good times, no matter where you are, you WILL become ABLE TO have them * enjoy more, that you might have "excluded" from possibility before. BE GRATEFUL ALWAYS.

"Who else is present when you are having a good time?"
Me & the System, typically. BUT, I HAVE had good times with the fam in the past and want to again. And there HAVE been pretty good times even here in TBHU! Ultimately, I CAN have a good time potentially with anyone who is kind & friendly & brighthearted too.
✳YOU CANNOT HAVE A GOOD TIME EVER IF YOU'RE TOO PESSIMISTIC/ RIGID TO DO SO!

"How long should a good time last?"
As long as it lasts. Don't force it to keep going or that will damage the joy. Treasure it IN THE MOMENT, and savor the NOW. Let the memories be golden. And let more good times happen however & whenever they may.

"What does a good time, or even a great time, look like for you?"
● Late night Spotify sessions on the couch with Chaos 0 & Laurie & Genesis
● Wandering through Diamew, especially now that it's being brought back to life
● Being out in the snowy woods, especially exploring, even just standing & savoring it
● Good long heartfelt conversations with the System about anything & everything, at all hours
● A day of productive hard work, good talks, shared meals, & fun times with the family
● Exhausting & exhilarating workouts while listening to good tunes (SUPER SONIC RACING!)
● Playing a favorite video game: KLONOA DTP, SONIC, NIER GESTALT, DISHONORED, POKEMON, MEDABOTS?
● Singing & dancing to favorite music/ revisiting good music memories/ UPSTAIRS CONCERTS
● Watching a favorite film: FERNGULLY, WE'RE BACK, INSIDE OUT 2, POKEMON, BELLE, SUMMER WARS, etc.
● Creating art & seeing the results of beauty & joy, especially digital work, paintblots, painting?
● Personality surveys, poetry, creative writing & prompts, playing on FL, playing with instruments
● Walking in a circle at night with music on & IMAGINING LEAGUE STORIES for HOURS
● Doing League WORLDBUILDING/ CHARACTER PROFILES and seeing LIFE FLOURISH thereby
● A day out driving & having SYSTEM FUN? Feeling ALIVE. Praising God in the BEAUTY of it all
● Just being silly & playful with the System/ in the mirror/ LAUGHING!

"What makes a good time?"
Doing/ experiencing things that resonate with my true core/ soul/ heart; being ABLE to TRULY/ FULLY be "ME," treasuring the simple joy of being alive, FEELING alive, being inspired/ edified/ uplifted; ALWAYS LOVE & JOY.
✳ PLAYFULNESS & "FUN" ARE ACTUALLY VITAL! (ARGUABLY, GOD "PLAYS" ALL THE TIME. CREATION IS SHEER JOY.)
✳ JOY, SELF-EXPRESSIVE OPENNESS/ SINCERITY, WONDER, CREATIVE EXPRESSION/ INSPIRATION, INTERNAL PEACE, A SENSE OF SELF-LOVE & CONNECTION TO GOD & THE WORLD, CHERISHING THE GIFT OF LIFE, GRATITUDE, CHILDLIKE SPIRIT, FRIENDSHIP, TRUE CONNECTION, PURPOSE/ VALUE, FULFILLMENT

"Who is around when you are having a good time?"
Chaos 0, Laurie, Genesis, Xenophon, Lynne, Leon, Julie, Scalpel, Knife, Mimic, Celebi, and God willing one day EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM. I WANT AND NEED to be THAT LOVINGLY CLOSE to ALL OF US. I NEED to be able to "have a good time" with ANY ONE OF US-- Razor, Waldorf, Spice, Shirley & Sirius, Adelaide & Audrey, Mulberry, Algorith, Siobhan, EVERYONE-- it's been TOO LONG and there are TOO MANY OF US STILL MISSING & TOO MANY EMPTY SLOTS and my heart hurts. How can I EVER truly be myself, FULLY, or LIVE LIFE fully, if PARTS OF MY SOUL ARE MISSING?? We NEED to come back to life, IN LOVE, healed & healthy AT LAST. And it WILL take time & excruciating effort & LOTS of therapy & journaling & talking & CONNECTION. But THAT'S WHAT WE WANT. It's LOVE. It's TRUTH. It's worth EVERYTHING. And when we FINALLY DO COME BACK ALL TOGETHER, then we WILL have more "good times" than we can even count. We used to. We STILL CAN. Together our life is BEAUTIFUL. So MAKE THAT OUR #1 "RECOVERY" GOAL-- to RECOVER OUR LOST VOICES.

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"Why do you want what you want?"

I WANT=
TO LIVE OUT MY CREATIVE TALENTS FULLY, AND PUBLISH THE LEAGUE AS COMPLETELY AS POSSIBLE

"What will it do for you?"
(LIFE TO THE FULLEST)
It will finally bring my inner vision & true self into tangible reality, fulfilling my long-hidden but God-given purpose. It will finally bring me into the world as I am at heart, to share my talents for the good of others.
It will BRING ABSOLUTE JOY to my life.

"How do you get what you want?"
(It's NOT something that CAN be "earned" or "bought")
STOP SILENCING YOUR HEART. Be courageous and OPEN UP and LET THE LIGHT OUT. The secret is, I "already HAVE it" AS an "unopened gift." If I just ACCEPT that it IS there & USE it, it will naturally FLOURISH in response to my efforts & trust.

"How will it make you think & feel?"
I will FEEL joy, hope, love, purpose, excitement, wonder, courage, fulfillment.
I will THINK about what I can GIVE, what BEAUTY is there, what is POSSIBLE, what GOOD I can do for others AND myself; my thoughts will be ORIENTED TOWARDS GENEROSITY and GRATITUDE.


I WANT=
● TO BE PHYSICALLY STRONG
● TO BE EMOTIONALLY BRAVE
● TO BE MENTALLY SMART
● TO BE SPIRITUALLY HOLY!
(HOW MUCH OF THESE VIRTUES DO I ALREADY HAVE? AM I ABE TO SEE THIS & LIVE IT?)
✳ I literally IDENTIFY WITH these qualities. To NOT have them in my life & self is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING. (BUT my FEAR of NOT having them is ironically PREVENTING me FROM developing AND RECOGNIZING THEM IN ME!)

"What will it do for you?"
I will feel (BE?) adequate, useful, helpful, capable, & confident. I will feel able to fulfill my role & purpose. I will be able to do good hard work & labor with my hands, heart, AND head. I will no longer feel like a weak, useless, foolish, stupid, spineless coward. I will be able to rise to meet the challenges of life with zeal. My motives will be purified & oriented towards God. I will be GOOD at last.

"How do you get what you want?"
Physically, I NEED to work out daily & not give up or slack off, & I NEED to EAT to give it the fuel & the MATTER to BUILD all that muscle from. Emotionally, I need to NOT RUN AWAY from difficult, uncomfortable, challenging situations, but accept & enter willingly into them with trust in God. Mentally, I need to KEEP READING & RESEARCHING daily, seeking new & different skills & hobbies & topics of interest, and also engaging in "puzzles" to stay mentally flexible. Spiritually, I NEED to PRAY & REGULARLY READ SCRIPTURE/ RECEIVE THE SACRAMENTS.

"How will it make you think & feel?"
My emotions & thoughts will be disciplined & rightly ordered. I will be virtuous & a good example to others. Honestly the BIGGEST thing is that "I will FINALLY be ABLE to BE MYSELF." I CANNOT pursue OR accomplish my creative dreams & goals UNLESS I am BRAVE & SMART (COURAGEOUS & INTELLIGENT, DARING & WISE, BOLD & PRUDENT, etc.), and I am genuinely frightened of being PHYSICALLY WEAK/ INEPT because I genuinely cherish & value athletic ability and, admittedly, physical POWER. I feel almost foolish saying so but it's true-- I see muscular, strong, even bulky bodies-- like real warriors-- as beautiful. And in my mind, a body like that is FREE & CAPABLE. Really, THAT motivates ALL these ideals. I want to be/ feel LIBERATED and CONFIDENT in my ABILITY. I'm so tired of feeling USELESS, TRAPPED, HELPLESS, & SCARED. ...and it's that LAST ideal, HOLINESS, that colors & undergirds ALL the other virtues. Without it, they are ultimately HOLLOW. I can be built like a tank, utterly fearless, a creative genius with a comprehensive understanding of all creation, but... without ALL of that being FOCUSED ON GOD as its ULTIMATE goal & purpose & driving motivation, it's mere smoke. If I'm not VIRTUOUS in GRACE & LOVE above all else, it will not meet my DEEPEST wants at all. Strength, bravery, & smarts are ALL gifts from GOD, after all! And when faith is present, ALL things shine. I CAN be strong because GOD gives me strength on ALL levels. I CAN be brave because I TRUST Him and He ALWAYS protects & guides me. I CAN be smart because God has made Himself & His Creation knowable TO me. IT'S ALL HIM-- it's all LOVE.

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"What kind of store would you open?"
✳What are your INTERESTS, DESIRES, & PASSIONS that CAN be directed/ translated into something THIS DIRECTLY TANGIBLE, that OTHERS can benefit from just as tangibly? How can I channel the joys of my heart into the hearts of others, in a way they can hold as their very own joy?

STOREFRONT NAME=
"♥OFFICIAL STORE OF THE LIGHTRAYE LEAGUE (EST. 1995)★"

STORE INFORMATION=
"The ONLY place to buy ALL of your Lightraye League gifts & treasures! Whether you're looking for things to read, watch, play, listen to, collect, or just admire, we have what you're dreaming of! Stop by and share the joy with fellow dreamers! The real treasure is the LOVE!"

STORE WINDOWS/ ADS=
"ALL ARE WELCOME♥"
"NEW ITEMS ARE ADDED AS NEW DREAMS ARE DREAMED"
"BUY THE OSTS TO THE FILMS & GAMES"
"GET THE TV SERIES & BOOKS YOU LOVE"
"PLUSHIES & FIGURES OF YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS"
"LEAGUE FASHIONS & ACCESSORIES"
"ORIGINAL SIGNED ARTWORKS"


STOREFRONT NAME=
"dreamSEEDS (est. ∞)

STORE INFORMATION=
● SHARE WHAT YOU HAVE // GROW WHAT IS GIVEN ●
"The possibilities are as infinite as your imagination... but you never dream alone. GIVE a seed of yours and GET one gifted by another. Then CREATE a whole new world TOGETHER."

STORE WINDOWS/ ADS=
"a SWEET one? a SCARY one? MAKE A NEW DREAM"
"Make a wish" + "He loves me, he loves me not..." (added by a group member; this one was collaborative)




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"How do you love? Do you make room for love?"
You have to OPEN YOUR HEART to make room for love. You have to empty out the hardness of pride & egotism. You have to LET GO of addictions & fears & LET DOWN the walls. You have to release your grip on any hate, prejudice, judgment, grudges, bitterness, & worldliness. Love is BIG. It's INFINITE. It requires ALL OF YOU. You CANNOT make room for it if you aren't effectively letting love REDEFINE YOUR WHOLE SPACE. Love can't be "squeezed in." It can't be put into a corner. It WILL take up ALL the space & TRANSFORM it INTO ITSELF. Love CHANGES you, ENTIRELY.

"Where do you find love?"
IN GOD/ AT CHURCH/ IN HIS PEOPLE; in family & friends (MOM), IN THE LEAGUE & THE SYSTEM, reflected in the beauty of Creation itself, in my heart.

"How do you create love?"
Make SPACE & TIME for it. OPEN YOUR HEART to it. ACT on it even if your emotions haven't caught up. LOVE IS A CHOICE; A WILLING & SERVING THE HIGHEST GOOD OF THE OTHER. It is DIVINE & DOES NOT REQUIRE "FUZZY FEELINGS." YOU "CREATE" LOVE by LETTING GOD'S LOVE ACT THROUGH YOU (LIKE CHRIST)!!

"What kinds of love are there?"
ALL TRUE LOVE IS OF GOD. Family love, friend love, marriage love, love for Creation, & above all love for God Himself, which is the ULTIMATE ROOT & TRUE END/ GOAL of ALL "other" loves! (ALL LOVE, IN ALL "WAYS & CONTEXTS", IS RELATIONAL = TRINITY!!)

"Is love important and why?"
LOVE IS LITERALLY THE FOUNDATION, PURPOSE & SOUL OF REALITY ITSELF. IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Without love, all there can remain is death & hell, because GOD IS LOVE. LOVE IS HEAVEN, the REASON WE EXIST & OUR TRUE DESTINY. LIFE ITSELF IS FOR LOVE, FROM LOVE.

"What's the difference between healthy love and unhealthy 'love'?"
"Unhealthy" love IS NOT LOVE AT ALL and it ANGERS me that the word is ever associated with abuse/ hate/ control/ obsession/ egotism/ lust/ etc. LOVE IS SELF-GIVING. It is MUTUAL, SACRIFICIAL, EXCLUSIVE, DEVOTED, KIND, JUST, TENDER, JOYFUL, TRUE, FAITHFUL, etc. Real love CANNOT be controlling or objectifying or self-focused. Healthy love comes from a healthy HEART, which we NEED GOD TO GIVE US-- freed from ego & oriented towards heaven. Healthy love is CHRIST'S LOVE!!

✳Some claim that "love also comes from nature, action, movement, etc." and "not just from people." THIS IS COMPLETELY FALSE. YOU CANNOT BE IN A MUTUALLY SELF-GIVING RELATIONSHIP WITH THOSE THINGS!! YOU CAN ONLY HAVE LOVE WITH PERSONS!! With that original perspective, however, the confusion is because LOVE COMES TO US ONLY TO THE EXTENT THAT LOVE=GOD COMES TO US IN THOSE THINGS AS THEIR CREATOR AND SUSTAINER AND GIVER (ONLY GOD CAN LOVE IN TRUTH; HE ENABLES US TO LOVE)! LOVE IS A WAY OF BEING!

"Please explain exactly the kind of love you want."
(I WANT GOD'S LOVE, IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.)
(If it's NOT HIS LOVE, then IT'S NOT LOVE AT ALL!!)
✳ UNCONDITIONAL, COVENANTAL, WHOLEHEARTED, TRUE, SELF-GIVING, LIFE-GIVING, HONEST, COURAGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL, SACRIFICIAL, GENEROUS, JUST, FORGIVING, POWERFUL, GENTLE, PURE, FAITHFUL, JOYFUL, PATIENT, COMPASSIONATE, DEVOTED, etc.
I want to share JOYS & SORROWS. I want to FIGHT TOGETHER & PROTECT EACH OTHER & LIFT EACH OTHER UP & BECOME SAINTS TOGETHER.

"Where would it come from?"
The System, the League, the Church, my family, & TRUE FRIENDS. I genuinely DO want a human girlfriend that I can protect & dote on & create things with & love God with. Moreso even than that, I want DEEP & REAL relationships with the System, and COMMUNICATIVE/ HONEST closeness with family & friends. In the future, I admittedly also want the love of a fandom FOR the League that I love, to share that with the world in joy.

"What does this love feel like?"
Like a fire-- warm & safe & protective & lifegiving, yet powerful & brilliant & full of energy. It's DEEP & RAW & VULNERABLE & STRONG & TRUE. It feels like light & all the colors it reflects into, and it shines all the more strikingly in the dark. It feels welcoming and encouraging yet challenging. It calls me to heights. It also feels FREE, joyful & flowing, able to thrive fully in all circumstances. It's GROUNDED & PEACEFUL yet ADVENTUROUS & INSPIRING. It feels like life is forever worth living. It feels like true purpose. It feels like my heart. And I want to SHARE it entirely.

"How can you bring this kind of love into your life?"
I need to "put myself out there." I need to actively spend time with my family & church & neighbors, and TALK to them & LISTEN to them & DO things together. I need to find community spaces for potential friends & PARTICIPATE in them. I need to PUBLISH & SHARE my creative work. I need to READ my OWN work/ Archives and FEEL that love and LIVE IN IT. I need to take time to GO INSIDE & LOVE THE SYSTEM every day, to TALK & LIVE TOGETHER.

"What can this love do for you?"
I CAN ONLY BE MY REAL, TRUE SELF WHEN I LOVE. And love brings with it ALL the other virtues. ONLY LOVE CAN & WILL MAKE ME A SAINT. Love makes me a better, realer, holier person-- stronger, braver, warmer, sweeter. Love is my IDENTITY and my PURPOSE. Finally being ABLE to LIVE this truth will give me SO MUCH JOY & ZEAL TO LIVE! I CANNOT LOVE ALONE. I WANT RELATIONSHIPS WITH the SYSTEM, SO MUCH. I ADORE them. I DO want a girlfriend too, and loving HER will bring out ALL MY CAPACITY FOR DEVOTED SELF-GIFT & SERVICE. Loving my family & friends will make me a KINDER, NICER, FRIENDLIER person TO OTHERS! I will BE a SOURCE OF JOY TO THEM inasmuch as I MANIFEST LOVE. I will become a GOOD, RESPECTED, VALUABLE member of the community FOR THEIR SAKE. I will be a GOOD CHRISTIAN. I WILL LIVE FOR GOD'S GLORY & SERVICE BY BRINGING HIS LOVE TO ALL I MEET. That is what I TRULY WANT, more than ANYTHING.

"How do you love?"
Passionately, wholeheartedly, sincerely. Ask Chaos 0. EVEN in "platonic" relationships & family/ neighbor interactions, I GENUINELY AM WILLING AND WANTING TO HAVE THE STRONGEST & MOST SINCERE, DEDICATED relationship POSSIBLE with them IN THAT CONTEXT. Honestly I ACHE for communion in EVERY circumstance. I just LOVE PEOPLE, when you get down to the very core of me. But... I have to be honest as well in saying that I NEED CLOSE relationships THE MOST. I NEED & even CRAVE intimacy-- NOT sexual, but EMOTIONAL & SPIRITUAL. Physical closeness is nice but it's hollow & even distasteful without BOTH the SPIRIT & HEART close behind it. ...No matter what physical-level interactions I have, I will be completely missing my deepest need/ I will still feel unfulfilled & empty where it counts the most IF I DON'T HAVE THE GREATEST, DEEPEST LOVES: the love of the System, and the love of God. I NEED to pray & worship, and I NEED to "GO UPSTAIRS" and ADORE THOSE SOULS on a DAILY BASIS. If I was forced to neglect either, I think I would DIE inside. REMEMBER THAT. YOU CANNOT LOVE HUMANKIND OUTSIDE IF YOU DON'T FIRST TAKE THE TIME EVERY DAY TO LOVE THE CREATOR OF HUMANKIND, AND TO LOVE THE ONES WHO TAUGHT YOU WHAT LOVE TRULY LOOKED & FELT LIKE to begin with. I AM ME WITH THEM.
✳ THE COREGROUP IS ESSENTIAL TO YOUR WELLBEING ON EVERY LEVEL OF YOUR EXISTENCE. LOVE THEM EVERY DAY. (THAT IS A NEED!)


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Bomber jacket & chapel veil
Holy hour!

Praying at home was so hard?
Emotional turmoil for some reason.
Struggled. Kept getting distracted by windows, compulsions, brain disheveled (not fog!!). So upset but couldn't cry; no sadness, just agitation & self-loathing.
BREAKTHROUGH in sorrowful mystery 3. Looking at His bloodied yet loving Face and thinking, "that's my King."

BK prep a mess.
No one around from social locking??
COULDN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT on my own.
Trying to multitask with window film while cooking. Overheated the evoo: forgot that hot-oil smell is a HUGE TRIGGER. Knocked thr wind out of me, nearly started to cry from childfear & general exasperation with self.

Couldn't bear the empty heart anymore
Closed eyes & called everyone over to look at them. They all said a few loving words of encouragement & fidelity to me, holding my hands.
Lynne, Julie, Laurie, Leon, Scalpel, Knife, Razor, Siobhan, Wreckage.
I could SEE THEM. It blew my mind. There were things I forgot but saw/ felt. I remember glimpsing Lynne's tattoo & Leon's necklace, feeling Scalpel's rings and Laurie's bandage wraps.
Wreckage took my head in her claws & bumped our foreheads together, it was so sweet it ached.
I felt SO ALIVE & LOVED I actually teared up. INSTANT heart grounding.

New egg prep btw!
No longer paranoid about vitamins either. We got it figured out, thanks to God.

Daily devotional on Our Lady of Sorrows = Mimics pop quiz answered by LAURIE, FLAWLESSLY AT ONCE. He was legit impressed. Laurie said "she's my patron" so she owed her that loyal attention.

Mimic commenting on the book devotional w fr. Cizsek, labor camp masses. "No 'villain' would ever have the guts to do that." The power of Good in trying circumstances, when Bad would actually chicken out. The indomitable strength of humility against all odds, that Pride would mock as crazy or stupid. Stark contrasts.

"Soulfrequency" messed up enough to pick up devil talk. "Gluten free conspiracy against the Eucharist."

Finally eating at 1230. Still late but we did our best all things considered.
Gotta learn to cope with these bad brain days without despairing.

VOTD reflection EXACTLY what we needed today, & DIRECTLY RELEVANT to rosary experience.
Lynne resonating hard with "hope" and being "steadfast." Anchor feelings!

Kids devotional FIERY FURNACE!!! Also GREAT insight on hidden idolatry.
God needs to be our top priority, the focus of all our time, thoughts, money, and attention... we need to be LOVINGLY OBSESSED WITH GOD. And honestly we WANT that SO MUCH. Its a TOTALLY DIFFERENT feeling than a compulsory obsession!! it feels like FREEDOM, not slavery. It is a JOY, not a terror.

Gender panic has returned BTW. There's a lot going on in the Catholic Church right now concerning it.
Notably there were 2 articles emailed to us yesterday that scared us so badly. (Link, discuss?)
Theres SUCH a Femininity struggle, with trauma. Being a "girl" is foreign and ALWAYS WAS. The only time we were "feminine" was AS AN INFANT.
Still. TYPE ABOUT GENDER IN CHILDHOOD. Please get it all out in front of our eyes, so we can process things. Bottom line is that THE CHURCH TEACHES A CISHET BINARY and we NEED to adapt to it, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
In any case, there are two sides = the Church, and the Satanist relativistic promiscuous "pride" cult we see everywhere online.
We NEVER WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH THE LATTER.
so we must make ourselves fit the former.
...I just remember that such efforts were WHY THE TRAUMA BEGAN IN THE FIRST PLACE.
...but we've never processed that either.
Maybe it's time.

James 1:12.

Sudden mom call
ANOTHER emotional sobbing guilt meltdown after
WHY DO WE GO INTO BITCHY SOCIAL MODE ON THE PHONE????

Lent devotional catchup
Not sure why but hey. Autumn fitting really.

Made the mistake of trying that food mom sent up
IMMEDIATELY VOMITED.
so upset. so sick.
Could NOT recover emotionally.
Prayed in angry hurt scared distress. Honest.
"What IS my highest good?"
"The salvation of your soul"

GUTPUNCH overheard convo with CZ and whatever pseudocore girl was driving in the wake of the food hell=

"You're not real."
"Is that what you really think?"
"No"
"..."
"I'm just so confused by my religion and (???)"
"Your religion shouldn't be confusing you.  Don't you believe that God is love?"
"Yes"
"Well. I love you.  If anything makes me real that's it."

Later, between that unknown antilove girl and the "Jesus voice"=
"That's no way to treat your daughter."
"She's not my daughter. I don't love him."
"You don't love him because you're cold hearted."


...
And yet God still inexplicably makes everything work out for my highest good.
I ended up being too depressed and dishevelled to say rote prayers, So I was watching spiritual videos on YouTube And stumbled across a channel of NDEs.
...
It made me want to cry. I kept thinking of how We would feel that sense of absolute cosmic love as a system in the past.  How did we ever lose touch with that?
... We still have no solid answers for what death means to us as a system. We can only hope that the love we share will be the realest thing in the end.

Praying about "Infi" again, in light of this stone heart, this lack of self-love. "Give me a daengel again." Please.

Saint Bridget prayers and Dan Deacon music. Something moved me today.

Lungs & bodyache getting worse though. Hope to God this isn't COVID again. Still gotta run to church tomorrow!

BK for 7pm, small miracle haha

Me being so glad to see Mimic suddenly show up during Bible study (looking up "corroborate the faith"; he wanted to see if i could grasp the etymology properly on my own). His casual presence felt like i was back home, back in gear after the mess.
Then, feeling deeper thoughts on that topic, I looked over to CZ, deeply moved that he was STILL HERE after everything. Called him over.
Laurie spoke up, said he shouldn't need to be called over, "only Knife needs to be invited" (hand on his shoulder, "that's a joke, buddy") = but Chaos has a RIGHT and arguably an OBLIGATION to be near me, because of our relationship.
She paused, unsure what to call us now, what with the gender & religion struggle lately. Then she simply said to Chaos, "because you're her soulmate."
AND THAT CLICKS????? LIKE IT LITERALLY FEELS RIGHT.
So of course CZ & I fistbumped in agreement before he basically threw his arms around me haha.
But yeah. That's HUGE.

Still not right for Xenophon to call me "mom." It's not true in the way that matters. INFI was the ensoulment of Blackspace creative potential, that the Red Jewels could tap into-- Infi WAS "motherhood."
And yet I'm resonating with Black again, too, which the Jays did NOT.
Still. Asexuality is intrinsic. I cannot be a parent. But what do I do for her? If I'm the successor OF her father, what role do I play?

" it is common for those in authority to impose their corrupt dictates by virtue of that; and, because they should be the wisest and best, to expect that every body should believe they are so. "
Laurie = "don't ever let me be like that. Im just a nousfoni like the rest of us. Don't put me on a pedestal. If I am wise, its by God; if I fall, its my own doing."


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

In light of our frightened sickness prayers, this is the FIRST thing we saw when we sat down =
"Though the miracle was not yet wrought, yet the prayer was answered, and he triumphs before the victory. No other can pretend to such an assurance as Christ had; yet we may by faith in the promise have a prospect of mercy before it be actually given in, and may rejoice in that prospect, and give God thanks for it. In David's devotions, the same psalm which begins with prayer for a mercy closes with thanksgivings for it. Note, (a.) Mercies in answer to prayer ought in a special manner to be acknowledged with thankfulness. Besides the grant of the mercy itself, we are to value it as a great favour to have our poor prayers taken notice of. (b.) We ought to meet the first appearances of the return of prayer with early thanksgivings. As God answers us with mercy, even before we call, and hears while we are yet speaking, so we should answer him with praise even before he grants, and give him thanks while he is yet speaking good words and comfortable words."
THAT REQUIRES ABSOLUTE FAITH & TRUST IN HIS GOODNESS & MERCIFUL HEART. When you CHOOSE to thank Him ahead of time, it OPENS THE DOOR for those graces!!! GOD MEETS YOU IN THE EFFORT.
And He WILL help you. This stuff is FACT, NOT CONJECTURE. Remember GOD IS LOVE. He IS mercy.
You can bet everything on Him, surrender it all into His care-- and you will be infinitely richer for it, without fail, every time. You are safe in His Heart, NO MATTER WHAT.
That all means so, so much to me. Blessed be God.

FOR THE RECORD... GOD HAS LITERALLY ANSWERED EVERY SINGLE PRAYER YOU HAVE EVER PRAYED.
EVEN THE MOST DESPERATE, HYSTERICAL, TERRIFIED PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED IN DUE TIME, AND IN MIRACULOUS WAYS.
HE HAS NEVER, EVER, EVER LET YOU DOWN. HE NEVER WILL.
THANK HIM WITH EVERY BEAT OF YOUR HEART.
GOD LOVES YOU. UNQUESTIONABLY.

I genuinely want to praise Him with my entire life.  Lord give me the grace.


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"Christ gave this proof of his humanity, in both senses of the word; that, as a man, he could weep, and, as a merciful man, he would weep, before he gave this proof of his divinity. [2.] That he was a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief, as was foretold, Isaiah 53:3. We never read that he laughed, but more than once we have him in tears. Thus he shows not only that a mournful state will consist with the love of God, but that those who sow to the Spirit must sow in tears. [3.] Tears of compassion well become Christians, and make them most to resemble Christ. It is a relief to those who are in sorrow to have their friends sympathize with them, especially such a friend as their Lord Jesus... It becomes us, according to this example of Christ, to show our love to our friends, both living and dying. We must sorrow for our brethren that sleep in Jesus; [notably doing so] as those that are full of love, though not void of hope."
Disturbingly, we get an instinctive DISGUST RESPONSE to the thought of crying over people, which proves that PART OF OUR HEART IS FROZEN. Why????? That's actually horrifying to realize.
This is so unnatural. We weren't like this even in college, i don't think. How & when & why did our heart turn to stone???????
⭐Reading all this and thinking... the devil cannot cry. The devil WON'T cry. Crying REQUIRES A TENDERNESS OF HEART!!! 
I know angels are pictured as weeping at the Cross, but I've heard others say that angels in general cannot feel sadness??? Because heaven has no sorrow? It's a HUMAN emotion, allegedly. But then what about grief over sinfulness? What about lamenting souls that stray? What about GODLY SORROW? What about Mary weeping as our Sorrowful Mother even now? What about Jesus's eternal Wounds?
There's gotta be something we're misunderstanding. God please grant us humble light & wisdom. May we seek this knowledge only for Your sake, and for love of You.

+ I had a brutal dream hack this morning; Chaos 0 DID rush over to help & protect me but he struggled; I was so deeply shaken and terrified. ...Ironically, I ALSO apparently forgot JUST HOW TRAUMATIC hacks were/are. I could barely get out of bed-- Julie had to do it for me, the only nousfoni who COULD bravely & safely do so. I threw all my clothes in the wash, thoroughly brushed my teeth, & just stood in the hot shower for a while, talking to & being supported/ comforted/ loved by the CoreGroup and others close by-- Chaos 0, Ryou, Marik, Genesis, Laurie, Julie, Infinitii, Lethe, & Knife. Looking back on it all... God absolutely works in mysteriously gracious ways. "What luck." That horrible hack FAILED to accomplish its evil scheme-- it DIDN'T and COULD NOT damage me, inside OR outside; it CAN'T and NEVER WILL, because-- as I said yesterday-- my soul & self are in GOD'S HANDS and NO evil can touch them there. Oh but it tries, terribly so. Mortal life IS spiritual warfare, BUT CHRIST HAS ALREADY WON, and the proof of that victory was SO clear & beautifully tangible in the souls that surrounded mine in the aftershock of battle, who shared my scars THROUGH the closeness of our hearts, bound forever in compassionate fidelity.
...And what do you know. Little miracles, yet again-- today's devotion is EXACTLY THIS. "The devil is your enemy. So he IS going to throw everything he has at you!" BUT "you MUST tough it out, stay strong, and endure," AND "when the evil one attacks, GIVE THANKS"-- "Thank God for being ABLE to BRING GOOD out of EVERYTHING; praise Him for giving you the unique chance to SEE His Power in your life; Worship the ONE TRUE GOD, Who loves you and ALWAYS has a LOVING PURPOSE in ALL He permits in your life, and Who will NOT let the evil one snatch you away!! Thank God for the spiritual strength & grace you gain BY BRAVELY ENDURING all trials!!" Battles MUST happen, BECAUSE as Christ's Soldiers of Light, we are ALWAYS at war with the furious forces of hell that seek to destroy us. THEREFORE, every assault IS "PROOF" that we are ENEMIES OF THE DEVIL, and that is absolutely a reason to give thanks to God FOR calling us to be His! And of course, our ENTIRE LIFE HISTORY IS SOLID PROOF & EVIDENCE of GOD'S POWERFUL ABILITY TO BRING GOOD OUT OF ALL EVIL'S EFFORTS, proving HIS SOVEREIGNTY and INDOMITABLE POWER and ETERNAL VICTORY. Looking back, GOD ABSOLUTELY had a LOVING PURPOSE to every orchestration, and He ALWAYS PROTECTED US. That's what this morning was about, too... the triumph of Love over ALL evil, no matter WHAT evil tries to do. God's Power is SHEER LOVE, and it NEVER FAILS, and so we CAN march into battle unafraid, relying SOLELY & TOTALLY on HIS STRENGTH & PROTECTION & POWER TO SAVE. "Our own arm CANNOT win the fight-- but God WILL!" He ALWAYS DOES-- after all, it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE for God to lose! So take heart, take comfort, take courage, & SOLDIER ON. ♥



post-group//

+ A quick note: "Self-compassion" group threw us WAY off center, because it put me in a position of seeing "I" as SINGULAR. And I've noticed that EVERY TIME I deny and/or cut myself off from the System, I CANNOT TRULY BE MYSELF-- and therefore, I CANNOT TRULY LOVE. The instant I DO embrace US, that natural compassion just flows into my/ our heart. But THIS IS NOT NEW! I CAN'T FUNCTION ALONE-- ESPECIALLY not without my connection to the CoreGroup and being so inebriated with that LOVE, which we all mutually share-- I need that to LIVE, let alone function IN life!! God gave me/ made me this System FOR A REASON, TOO!! Again, REMEMBER THIS MORNING. Remember Chaos 0 holding you close to protect you. Remember Genesis crying to see you so shaken. Remember Infinitii praying with you and Julie helping you keep going and BOTH of them KNOWING EXACTLY what it felt like, to suffer in such an awful way. Remember Laurie always, always reassuring us all of the deeper truth, the bigger picture. Remember them, and love them, and LET THEM LOVE YOU, TOO! Honestly, practice just opening your heart to that, and LETTING it flood you with light. ♥

therapy today:

mom came with us. this is fine; we love her and we all agreed on this. she has data we don't and talks better and is basically a huge help towards the "external life aspect" of therapy that we, personally, tend to struggle with greatly (being so acutely internal).

main topics:
1. eating disorder issue: origins, current symptoms, how to treat
2. were you abused, when did it start, basically "what the heck happened as you've never talked about it." mom assumed a lot and it was entirely false but it at least helped us see what she thought initially, and allowed us to clarify things in a more step-by-step manner in that respect.

nevertheless, despite those being the focus, branched topics were all over the place because we literally closed our eyes for the whole session and let our mom talk for most of it at first, then just responded as needed AND SWITCHED AS NEEDED (which we can do if we are in such a "detached" state) which allowed a lot of honesty. so if something came up, it came up. nothing was censored, we wanted to make progress here just as much as everyone else.

as a result of the standby mode + switching madly on the downstairs level, I can't say what happened for most of it, but rest assured it was VERY productive and informative for everyone.

the eating disorder topic hurt to hear mom describe, because it was an outline of all the "bad stuff" that we hate, and are ashamed of, and want to stop but don't know how yet (or at least, didn't quite then).

that segued into a RELIGIOUS discussion briefly, not sure how, but there was a lot of talk about "feeling spiritually filthy" AND "spiritually empty" and, most importantly, "never feeling close enough to God," and how THAT was the ultimate "wound" that the eating disorder was trying and failing miserably to bandage up.

somehow we ended up discussing the "I need someone to hit me if they love me" thing, tied to "retribution=forgiveness" and the childhood fear of "if I'm not punished, it means they don't care about my soul, and I'll NEVER be forgiven" etc. all tied to laurie and the retributors, all discussed so much in the past, still terribly relevant.
but I'm glad it was brought up again because our mother thought we were trying to "make her hit us" as TRICKERY to get her in legal trouble??? which is bizarre, so I'm glad that someone inside was at least able to defend our real motives there.

there was a lot of religious discussion concerning that-- guilt, and shame, and "feeling filthy," and "never feeling holy enough," and "I'm a stain on the world" and "I cannot forgive myself" et cetera. all the very wretched and excruciating thoughts that have been running on constant aching loop in our heart and head for months now, louder than ever, but which originated in childhood. it's at the root of so much self-abusive behavior… just this awful self-destructive hope of sorts, that divinely inspired despair at realizing how dirty your temple of a body is, and wanting to tear it to shreds and rebuild it totally anew to finally be worthy of God… but getting tangled in the tar-thick feelings of mortification and self-hatred and rage and despair. ugly ugly stuff, and like I said, it feeds every bit of abusive behavior we've ever had, I think.

mom started to cry a little at some point and then stuff got twice as interesting.

immediately, THE "RAGE" alter fronted, like a freight train. she's partly internal so she has a KICK when she fronts and it opened our consciousness a bit too.
but, she was actually hurting the body as a way of trying to reroute the "rage" at seeing mom cry? punching, biting, pulling hair. growling, voice a loud harsh bark, almost hyperventilating from overwhelm. she said she was furious-- but not at mom!! she was mad THAT she was crying. she blamed herself, it was all GUILT. she felt dirty/angry/wrong, it was unbearable, and so she was REROUTING that by "punishing" herself? that plus the pain took away the anger towards mom, and allowed her to "let her cry." otherwise, 'rage' wanted to hurt mom? to make her stop crying instead? bizarre. very important though; did we ever fully discuss why that happens? check!

at this, the therapist said, you need a better way to let the anger out. rage said "I don't know how," response was try CRAYONS. we said yes, please, but she only had markers & chunky colored pencils. we said "those are the wrong texture," but we would try the pencils (markers are too smooth, they don't "do" rage). however, when we got them the anger had faded to anxiety as we were now obsessing over colors in the absence of correct visceral texture. the rage wasn't quite black, or red, or yellow-- and it wasn't blue, that was a sort of sadness, but not quite. at this the therapist said, "less thinking, more doing." so instinctively, we felt that the only real way to "let the emotion out" PROPERLY was through forgetting color entirely and going for FEELING. so RAZOR CAME OUT, flipped the pencil around, and just "cut" the paper with the blunt end of it (she started with black, then switched to red). she was TALKING while she did this, totally calm, saying she "does this all day inside," and it "makes her happy." said she didn't understand anger or sadness that the other people felt, but she knew it was there. notably she did ask knife "can I talk?" at first, wasn't sure if it was safe and/or proper.

KNIFE fronted on her heels to talk a bit, I think in response to something the mother asked? said he wasn't angry at people who cry-- he empathized, and wanted to "comfort" them ("that's what pink people do"). mentioned the children feeling such infinite sadness, how we couldn't cry because it either didn't stop (when they did) or it was "fake" (when tears were expressed by someone who wasn't meant to cry? like a manic social).

at some point, the rage alter came out again and the therapist said "just listen to me one second," to which rage said "I can't, but someone else can." so, cognizant of her own failing, she bravely (but difficultly!) stepped out, let go of that anger, and who stepped in but LYNNE! so she took a deep breath (the body was quite shaken I recall) and listened. I don’t know to what, but I'm so glad she's still acting as the "stabilizer" she was initially born to be.


the biggest thing about therapy?
we have a game plan now.
we're getting a FEEDING TUBE.
yes that's a bit major, but THANK GOD, because it's exactly what we need right now. our body is obviously nutrient starved-- emotions are a mess, we can't think straight, we can't ever eat enough but are always hungry physically and psychologically… and the physical symptoms are a whole other scary list on their own. but right now, medically, our body CANNOT eat the food it needs to get enough nutrients. we have too many limitations, and then psychosomatically, too many foods are dangerous and/or unverified medical problems (like nuts & seeds). so it's a real hellish struggle every day, and it's just making us sick and miserable, and quite frankly the feeding tube will be a gift from God in the respect that it will:
1. give us those nutrients,
2. without having to obsess miserably over food, AND
3. therefore removing the hours of abusive prep time/ purging/ etc. of the eating disorder hell.
plus we'll probably get a few bonus days in the hospital to get it in/ adjust, which is great because our June hospital visit was shockingly recuperative and spiritually powerful and Pax was born there for heaven's sakes. we've always been fond of hospitals, but that was our first overnight stay, and we honestly would not mind another one (and may even need one right now).

there's only one concern about this tube really:
we're afraid of the "void" that rears its head when we don’t eat.
like the sad alter said (jess?), the eating disorder itself is a rerouting. it's NOT the real issue. it's a shoddy attempt at covering up a wound. if we didn't eat, we'd be doing something else just as repetitive and abusive and time-consuming: like locking ourself in the bathroom and cutting our hair and skin and nails and everything for hours (which we have done; the sensory aspect is just like the purging). so you see it's just a like locking ourself in the bathroom and cutting our hair and skin and nails and everything for hours (which we have done; the sensory aspect is just like the purging). so you see it's just a symptom of a larger issue. it's a distraction, something akin to physiological "noise" to drown out whatever is lurking in the silence.

I forget how therapy ended; I think we just reiterated points like the above… but all I know is, for whatever reason, as it wound down, jay came out, quietly.

and jay noticed razor's paper on the couch, and his heart kind of melted with an ache; he picked it up gently, and softly said, "she's never done anything like that before… this means a lot to me."
and then he reached into our bag, to put it away, and he opened up the folder.
the red one, with hearts on it, and all our pictures and handwriting inside it.
and he started sobbing.
he covered his face with it and hugged it and just wept. the therapist asked what was going on, and he said,
"this is it. this is what we're missing. this is what belongs in the void we're trying to fill.”

…

somewhere along the line, we internalized this idea that "if someone is suffering more than we are, we don't deserve to be happy as that's abusive and selfish. we need to make ourselves suffer just as much."
motives may be good, but really, how is total self-destruction going to help that other person suffering? empathy won't give them food or shelter or clothing or love. it'll just make you too damn tired and sick and weak TO help them with those actual needs.
it's twisted, and we NEED to untangle and soothe it, but that's a process. we'll work on it.

and the key word is always "we."
WE ARE JOY. the very realization of our collective existence, the instant tapping-into of it, is bliss. we feel complete, we feel alive. we become able to dream again, the future opens up into a kaleidoscope of doors and windows, we learn how to hope…
none of that is possible if WE don't exist. all good things require our multiplicity.
happiness is absolutely on that list.

somewhere along the line, that "I must suffer" mindset decided that burying and suppressing our multiplicity was somehow both "a proper sacrifice" and "a way to suffer intensely." I think the former was "because our multiplicity is too weird/ an inconvenience/ misunderstood/ etc. and therefore by trying to murder it, I'll make other people happy!" and in the process, if you were spiritually bleeding, all the better, right?
no. no no no no no.
you've got it all wrong.
NO GOOD HAS EVER BEEN ACCOMPLISHED BY ABANDONING OUR MULTIPLE IDENTITY.
suppressing "us" has ONLY EVER HURT OURSELF AND OTHERS.

do you see??

JOY IS A VIRTUE. and a very important one too.
our existence is joyful. it's healthy, and LOVING, and full of faith and hope and charity.
we take care of ourself and we take care of others and we are GOOD PEOPLE.

by turning that off… what do you hope to accomplish?
you're just afraid, afraid of "hurting people by being an abnormal freak," when you poor thing, if you'd just pause and look at the big picture you'd see that you never hurt anyone with being a multiple system, you only hurt people by IGNORING IT.
all the abusive alters? they ignore and deny the system.
all the lost and damaged alters? they ignore and deny the system.
all those people you're afraid of offending by "being a freak?" honestly if they're thinking of you AS a "freak" I wouldn't lose any sleep over whether or not you're "hurting their feelings." if they would judge you so harshly, if they would deny you compassion and any attempt at understanding or care, then "hurting their feelings" is playing to their judgment, NOT any sort of genuine concern for your spiritual well-being. and if that IS their concern, explain to them how our multiple state PRESERVES our spiritual well-being!! you can do that!

I'm talking too much, I'm sorry.

the ultimate message here:
we're allowed to be happy and healthy.
being happy and healthy will allow us to take better care of others.
we CANNOT take proper care of others if we are denying ourself sleep, health, and happiness.
if you would deny yourself those things, some part of your subconscious is going to have no qualms denying those things to others.

you are not whole if you won't acknowledge your whole.

do you understand?

we are joyful, together. forgive yourself. allow yourself to participate in that. I guarantee you, the wound will heal. it will take time, but it will heal.
hurts heal faster in loving company, too.


we'll survive this, if we admit that we want to survive (we do), and we are allowed to have that happiness (we are).
a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
so stop stuffing yourself under a bushel basket.

let yourself be warm and bright, and then share that exuberance with everyone you meet.
you can't give what you don't have.

open your heart and let the light flow in.
you can't help but radiate, when it does.

we'll be okay.