the spectrum heart cathedral system

NOUSFONI "SUBSPECIES"?

1. humanoid= laurie, julie, lynne, leon, garrison,
2. cyborg? = javier, algorith, zwei, waldorf?
3. whiteskin = sugar, kyanos, eros,
4 draconic = spine, wreckage, destroyer, phaedra?
5. anthro? = aimee, menchou, minty? Lemur? Dread?
6. daengel = infinitii, lethe, medallion, dendrite, axis, chocoloco
7. worm? = emmett, paintroller, nurse??
8. fangs? = razor, knife, spice?
9. bugs? = nathaniel? fig? veradenne?
10.



braxton?
Harmonia?
Jabberwock?

 

So exhausted and confused sick. Body crashing i think

Mom call about Jade
Drop-off around 1130
Forgot OJ. Guilt crushing

BK at 230.

So burnt out dead, can barely think. Want to cry from sheer fatigue

Evening =
We are legit addicted to high-resistance biking. It must be another trauma-coping response. It's emulating the terrified hyperarousal and "run for your life" reaction.
But I've noticed something else, something very interesting and alarming.
Since we started doing this high-resistance biking, we've become distressingly emotional. We're having angry-helpless crying paroxysms, having mini tantrums from sheer frustrated despair. It's like we're a teakettle screaming all the time, unable to release anything but pressurized steam.
WHY IS THE BIKING DOING THIS????
Not only that, but IT DOESN'T EXHAUST US ANYMORE. We get hungry for MORE effort, and we don't want to physically eat at ALL, although our body does. We're constantly angry and weeping, wanting to destroy everything violently and then sob so hard it tends the very rocks. What on earth is going on.


Mom called the INSTANT we sat down to eat. AGAIN. Honestly it is uncanny how her phone calls LINE UP with our mealtimes, and that's not a good thing because then we get DELAYED by like 20 entire minutes and that's a HUGE chunk of time. Then we can't sleep, can't bike, etc. Why is our schedule so watertight that the slightest "interruption" throws us into an absolute panicked fit? Our poor mother has to deal with that from us CONSTANTLY because she always wants to do stuff and take us along, and we just want to stay home and have everything be controlled & predictable & tidy & efficient & ordered properly. No room for variables. No unexpected events tolerated. No spare time allowed, everything must have an assignment. I repeat: WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY LIKE THIS?
But... we don't want to snub mom. We need to spend time with her and we want to, both as her child and as a Christian. But our bloody schedule keeps getting in the way.
We have to go to mass. We have to say 2 hours of morning prayers. We have to exercise. We have to prep our meals all at once. We have to eat all at once, alone and quiet and uninterrupted. Et cetera. Remove a "have to" from our routine and we quickly nosedive into a nervous wreck, desperate to flee and quickly "catch up" to time lost.
We cannot cooperate or compromise like this. We have no real flexibility. We can't be spontaneous. We cannot even leave the house except for church functions.
I don't know what to do about this yet. We can't solve this problem from a mindset entrenched in it. Still... God keeps having our mother invite us to things. We'll have to say yes, and just... surrender the details to God.
We need to involve God more. How ironic. We never think of asking Him for help or direction or advice with our schedule stress. It's because we're afraid He'll say, "well you SHOULD be spending another two hours in prayer, you know," or "you don't need to exercise, you could be reading the Bible," etc. We're terrified that He WILL "make it worse," because God NEVER gives "relief from suffering"; He WANTS us to suffer & struggle so we have something to "offer up". To seek ease & relief from tribulation is to reject the Cross. So if we DO dare to ask, then He will justly respond with a chastisement. If we whine about the weight, He will make it heavier, to humble us. That's how it works.
...It's so sad though. Sometimes I really wish I could talk to God about this, without being humiliated & ashamed & guilty for feeling frightened & overwhelmed & confused in the first place. I'm so afraid of being sternly scolded & then "marked" as the "problem child," the one who will take a mile if you give her an inch, so give her extra discipline to keep her in line. It's for her own good. She's too weak; she mustn't be coddled or given reprieve.
And you know what? I DON'T WANT TO BE, DARN IT. I'M SO BLOODY TIRED OF FEELING TYPECAST AS LITTLE MISS MILKSOP. THAT IS NEVER WHO I WAS AND YOU KNOW IT. I was always the tomboy, the firecracker, the jester, the spitfire-- I never wanted a princess life, I rejected everything dainty, why the hell are you writing me as a pretty pansy now??? Why is THIS what happened when they killed all the "man" in me, because "good Christian girls" must be TOTALLY dependent on and subservient to men???
THIS IS THE EXACT SAME DAMN THING THAT CAUSED ALL THE ORIGINAL SEXUAL TRAUMA BACK IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YOU HEATHEN!!!!

ALSO DON'T FORGET "YOU'RE" MULTIPLE AND HAVE BEEN SINCE CHILDHOOD YOU IDIOT


Night =
Noticing snowflakes, "glitter in the dark". Made me think of Mimic. Accidentally pinged him so strongly he actually looked in, half asleep, asked what is reminding me of him now? I pointed to the snowflakes, he gives me the look and says "why."
I said its because you wouldn't think they would catch the light at all in the dark, it was surprising to notice, and only visible way up close. But it was beautiful to see.
Mimic said nothing for a moment, then generally stated "well, you said it, so I won't argue" and walked back out with the subtlest smile
I then added, basically, "Laurie, i would say that you're like that too, but that's not actually true. You're not so dark anymore. Now you're like the daylight."
Her expression in response was just... gold. Thank God we still feel this.


BTW don't forget Spotify wrapped today, and the unexpected sword-to-the-heart chronological snapshot it gave us

We get 20 MINUTES TO SIT DOWN THANK YOU GOD because tomorrow is First Friday and family is also busy so we're gonna be crushed with exhaustion. Lord get us through it. You always do.


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Universalis today.

"After Andrew had stayed with Jesus and had learned much from Him, he did not keep this treasure to himself, but hastened to share it with his brother. Notice what Andrew said to [Peter]: "We have found the Messiah, that is to say, the Christ". Notice how his words reveal what he has learned in so short a time. They show the power of the Master Who has convinced them of this Truth. They reveal the zeal and concern of men preoccupied with this question from the very beginning. Andrew’s words reveal a soul waiting with the utmost longing for the coming of the Messiah, looking forward to His appearing from heaven, rejoicing when He does appear, and hastening to announce so great an event to others. To support one another in the things of the spirit is the true sign of good will between brothers, of loving kinship and sincere affection."
1) The life of a Christian is one of fellowship & sharing from the very beginning. Nothing about our faith is meant to be "kept to ourselves-- and especially not Jesus Himself!
2) We must hasten to share what we learn from Christ. This should be an instinct for us, a drive, yet freely & willingly done, with all eagerness. We must love God so much, and our neighbor so much for His sake, that the very thought of depriving our fellow man of the joy we have received is intolerable. We must evangelize because we love. It is like a fire in us, seeking to give light and warmth to all it can. My point is: if we receive this treasure of faith and don't feel any impetus to share it, but cling to it privately, then our 'faith' is a selfish & impure & cowardly thing. It is a lamp under a bushel.
3) "FOUND." He had been looking for the Messiah, with the ardent hope and goal OF finding Him. He hadn't been looking "just to look," out of curiosity, like so many modern "seekers" do. 
4) Andrew was convinced of the Truth by Christ Himself, long before He had any public influence or status or testimony. All he had were John's direction, and the Lamb of God. That was all he needed-- no philosophical arguments, no stories of repute, no political acclaim-- just Jesus alone, Himself the only Witness required to His Own Truth. And how? By BEING. That's the Power Christ alone has. All His Words and actions, however good & true in themselves, are but expressions and emanations of Who He IS, beyond all language or human deduction. Andrew was convinced because his heart had been sincerely seeking God, and suddenly God was there in flesh before him. His very soul recognized Him, inevitably so. He knew he had found Him. He was convinced by grace, because he was open to receive it when it came. And how?
5) Zeal, concern, & preoccupation!
I think it's safe to say that, on a very real level, Andrew's daily life was constantly focused on seeking God. It would have to be, for him to "find" Christ at all-- you don't ever stop searching for your heart's treasure, even for a moment, if it is truly your treasure; you will always be preoccupied with it, however quietly. So was Andrew, searching for Christ.
...
6) Waiting with utmost longing, Looking forward, rejoicing, and announcing
7) Spiritual support is TRUE goodwill & brotherhood!!
...


"Immediately Andrew heard the Lord preaching, he left the nets by which he earned his living* and followed the giver of eternal life. ℣. Andrew endured his suffering for love of Christ and his law,* and followed the giver of eternal life."
1) the nets. Nets are meant to catch things, things get tangled up in them. The world is a net. But Andrew "earned his living" by them. So do most of us. Our jobs, our careers, our life pursuits become "nets" that just tangle us up, and keep us trapped in the world, even if they "put food on the table" they are eating us alive at the same time. That's what's so important about Andrew's reaction-- he left the nets. He abandoned his "daily bread" to obtain the True Bread. He left the world to follow its Creator. He untangled himself in the very act of choosing Jesus instead. He gave up his earthly way of life and found the Way of eternal Life.
2) giver vs earning. Andrew labored with his nets day and night, "earning" his living by the sweat of his brow, the very curse of Adam. But Jesus gives life. He removes the curse. Andrew no longer has to "earn the means & right to live," as it were, in a cutthroat world. He no longer has to worry about how he's going to survive. Christ now gives life entire, imperishable, free of charge, bought with His Own Blood, and the Life He gives is His very Self-- it is not money, it is not privilege, it is not anything earthly. Life is a Person, a relationship, that lasts forever, and Andrew does not have to do anything but follow Him in trust.
3) Andrew's endurance was his following. the keyword is "love." This is how we follow God, only love, and love is proved the most clearly and powerfully in suffering.


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Books

MDE is beautiful =
"To be able to become bread! To be able to nourish the whole world with His Flesh and Blood! I am terribly selfish and fearful when faced with suffering, but if I could become bread to save all humanity, I would do it. If I could become bread to feed all the poor, I should throw myself into the fire at once.
No, the Eucharist is not something strange: It is the most logical thing in the world, it is the story of the greatest love ever lived in this world, by a man called Jesus.
When I gaze on this bread, when I take up this bread into my hands, I gaze on and take up the passion and death of Christ for humanity. This bread is the memorial of His death for us. This bread is the trumpet call of the Resurrection, through which we, too, shall one day be able to rise.
This bread is the living summary of all God’s love for man. From Genesis to the prophets, from Exodus to the Apocalypse, everything is yearning towards this terrible mystery of God's tragic love for man. God, who made Himself present in the first covenant and yet more present in the Incarnation, becomes still more present in this mystery of the bread of life."
1) I love how simply yet profoundly the first line is phrased; it puts into shockingly clear perspective just what the Eucharist is and does. Jesus becomes bread. He becomes food for the whole world.
2) It's a true sign of the spark of God in all of us that we have this instinct, despite all our selfishness, to want to become bread too. Ask any parent. Ask any lover. Ask any child, even. If we could "become bread" to save even one soul from starvation forever, we would do it in a heartbeat. This is the impulse of God. This is what the Eucharist is, to infinite perfection.
3) "It is the most logical thing in the world." It really is. People talk about "love languages" and half-joke about "peeling oranges" for others but it's true. Look at a matron cooking meals for her extended family for hours on end, day after day, with a smile on her face. It's such a basic need, such a primal gesture of care. "I will feed you because I care about you, and I want you to live, and I love you." Of course God would become food for His people. But for Jesus to do this so literally, so perfectly, to become bread-- it's the most beautiful thing in the universe. It's the purest and profoundest love.
4) PRIESTS GET TO HOLD HIM LIKE THIS.
5) The Eucharist is a sign of the resurrection. That shocked me. Of course, it is a sign of His Death, and that is inseparable from His Resurrection-- but how we forget that so easily!
6) "this terrible mystery of God's tragic love for man." What a gorgeously aching sentence.
7) The Eucharist is covenantal. It is the most perfect Presence of God to man, even moreso than the Incarnation. Think about that!
...


"St. Irenaeus asks, “How can anyone say that our bodies, which are nourished on the flesh and blood of Christ, are brought to perdition? Our bodies, tasting of the Eucharist, are no longer corruptible, but have the hope of resurrection.”"
That's astounding. THEY ARE NO LONGER CAPABLE OF CORRUPTION. This is "common sense" when you realize WHY-- it's because THEY HAVE FED ON CHRIST. The literal atoms of the Eucharist, the Real Presence of GOD, have nourished these bodies and become an actual physical part of them. The Flesh & Blood of Christ, inseparable from His Soul & Divinity, have been our Bread. He CANNOT decay or corrupt or fade away, ever. He IS eternity, He IS Life, He IS salvation. He IS the Resurrection! And when we receive Him in this most blessed Sacrament, WE TAKE ALL THAT INTO OUR BODIES. It's amazing. It's on purpose. God WANTS that to happen. This is how He saves and transforms us most directly, most astonishingly. He changes us from the inside out, by the power of His Love, embodied in His Son, Present in this Sacrament, and now in us.


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VOTD = Psalm 119:2.
"We have a revelation of God's ways when we make His Heart our passion-- when we say, "God, I don't want to just know about You, I want to know You."...There's a lot of us who know God's faithful acts, but take the challenge to press in further, and ask God what is His Heart, so that you would know His ways. When you know His ways, then you know how He will respond-- and you can respond like your Father."
Every time I read something like this I want to cry.
We want this SO BADLY. Honestly I think in a very real but suppressed way we ALREADY HAVE THIS. Deep down, when we stop hiding and running and doubting the truth out of fear of feeling, we must admit that YES, HIS HEART IS OUR TRUEST PASSION. We aren't living that truth as completely as we want to, no. But it is the truth. It's the kernel at the center that cannot be denied.
We're so tired of mechanical praying. We're so tired of spending hours every day just reading articles and "doing the dailies." We're HUNGRY FOR GOD. WE WANT TO KNOW JESUS. We want to TALK TO HIM. We want to sit down and READ ABOUT HIS LIFE. We want to HEAR HIM SPEAK. We want to HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. We're so sick and tired of just this intellectual awareness of Him, this historical education, this ironically heartless datahoarding. The thriskefoni that bury themselves in prayer cards and chaplets and religious emails don't know Jesus as a PERSON. It's so sad. But we never knew Him before, especially not growing up. We never realized you COULD have a relationship with God, let alone that such a thing was ALLOWED, until very very recently-- again, probably the past two years, tops, and with the past year alone being one of the most spiritually potent we've ever had, if not the absolute trophy winner.
But the point is... we're still running circles around the goal. We're still avoiding our heart's desire. WHY.
It's because it's too headspacey.
Read that next line. Press in further. Ask God what His Heart is.
As far as we know, the thriskefoni cannot do that. Their anchor, our religious upbringing and experience, don't include that sort of intimacy. It's banned. It's blasphemous. It's sinful, to even consider-- to them, ANY intimacy, ANY closeness of that sort, is WRONG.
And it's absolutely one hundred percent what the System is ABOUT.
That's why there's this "civil war" going on. The religious voices want to declare a crusade and coldly erase all of us from existence because "we're not God." Whereas all of us inside, although we aren't as "pious" as they are, truly love God AND each other and we WANT TO GET CLOSER TO GOD.
...this is why the Cores keep begging God to give Infinitii "back." It's not something we'd ever do for a human. Headspace is different; people do die, but they die in order to be reborn. Even Laurie reminds us of this constantly-- her axe isn't meant to ruin, but to reset. If she ever does cleave someone's skull in half, it's so it can be put back together better. That's what "death" is for a nousfoni-- it is a hope, in the direct wake of despair. If we die, it is because we have failed to do what we were made to do, or we have committed a grave sin, causing permanent damage, et cetera. Death for us is a swift and direct "penalty" for our loss of light, but it also is, in and of itself, a solid hope of resurrection. ALWAYS. Thanks be to God. We don't die unless there's a real hope that we'll be remade as a result.
So the Cores are asking God to do that to Infi. Why?
Because Infinitii was the one of us who most ardently knew what it was like to love with one's entire heart and soul.
Infinitii COULD TEACH AND ENABLE US HOW TO LOVE GOD LIKE THIS. And believe me, ze DID... Jay still has very clear memories from church, that he clings to constantly, as they are the only way he can feel anything like it. NO ONE ELSE can get that close, without being shut down or pushed away.
It's too much to talk about in depth now, but the important thing is: Infi wasn't scared of opening hir heart, or letting anyone else into it. That was what killed hir, in the end, but it is also hir biggest hope of rebirth, if I can hope the same on hir behalf... because to use that great grace properly, it must first and foremost be directed TOWARDS GOD.
...The last bit up there, resonates with the Jay bloodline. "You will respond like your Father."
We have... weird issues, with fatherhood. We love our biological dad, dearly so, but... we never really knew him growing up. He was always at work, or distant, or uninvolved, or-- as the years dragged on-- out drinking. We had no idea who he was as a person until he moved out and got remarried, and started talking to us from that separate living space. We were no longer "in the same family" in a sense, although we were permanently bound by blood; we no longer shared a roof, my mother was no longer his wife. But that new "distance" brought us closer than ever, and continues to do so, oddly.
The point is: we never had an example of fatherhood in our life until now.
It's still something we glean only in flashes. We're in our 30s; he can't be our "dad" in the way our child-heart still unconsciously yearns for. But now we can recognize that there IS such a yearning, which we NEVER realized before, not until we got old enough to realize that hey, families AREN'T supposed to be terrifying, and by the grace of God started to realize that everything beautiful the Bible says about GOD is what fatherhood truly takes its essence from. God is THE FATHER. And that just... changed everything.
And yet, way back around 2011, Jay wanted to be a father more than anything in the universe and his heart caught that truth long before anyone else could even postulate its existence or semblance. Jay knew what fatherhood meant. He WAS a father. And it was beautiful.
When the bloodline was shattered by the CNC corruption and we lost that entire awareness with the Tilly takeover... it gutted us. We're still not-quite-alive in the wake of that loss. Yes, Jay is still (miraculously) alive, but he's a flickering light now, barely able to front, barely able to hold a form inside. There's "too much of a threat of him becoming a Core again," apparently, and "Cores aren't allowed to be male anymore." But those boys had such good hearts. They understood, somehow, "how God would react" even before we were religious-- long before we were consciously able to trust God, let alone even know Who He was.
...is it possible for the new compulsively-female "Cores" to respond like their Father? Or will the binary-forcing keep them, and therefore our body existence, fatally disconnected from God's Heart?
I don't know. This is something we need to sit and feel and talk about as a System, together, not something the thriskefoni can "reason out" or even truly pray about-- their hearts wouldn't be in it at all; they wouldn't pray for us anyway, sadly. We have to do that ourselves, even if they don't want to admit we can.
I'm sorry, I don't want to sound condemning. It just hurts so much, that they refuse to feel, at least anything but fear and panic that masquerades as obedience and devotion. We want to help them, too. We want ALL of the foni in the Spectrum to be together, like the Church; for heaven's sakes we're all one soul in the first place. We need to be united; we need to be family, we need to be as one, even in our multiplicity. It's possible. That's the beauty of it.
...I guess this is a bit of that Father-feeling, actually. The Prodigal Father, up on that hill, looking out for the lost son. It feels like we're doing that for ourself, in our most fragile and tender moments. God give us the grace to always keep our arms open to ourself, as You always do for us, so that we may all be gathered into Your embrace.



The prayer really stood out to me:
"God, I want to seek You with all my heart. You are my everything— so let my actions match my words. Each day, help me to draw closer to You. Guide me through each decision, and inspire me with new dreams and pursuits. I want to honor You in all that I do."
1)The prayer is admitting, "I confess that I'm not seeking You with all my heart, but I WANT to"... "You are my everything, BUT my actions don't match those words"... and then that striking plea, "LET them match," silently echoing "LET me seek you with all my heart." It's stunning. The focus is on our absolute need of God's gift of grace-- our total dependence on God empowering us in order to do ANYTHING good, because we have NO power on our own.
...
2) Likewise, "HELP me to draw closer to You." It just struck me how unique this is. Unlike between humans, I cannot approach God on my own; I cannot "draw near" physically or mentally, emotionally or spiritually, by my own efforts.
...
3) EACH DAY, and "draw closer." This is gradual, ongoing, and unending. It's never all at once. There is never a finish line.
4) The "guide me" follows the petition for closeness. The very "helping me draw close" IS CONNECTED TO the "guide me through"!
5) Again, "I WANT to honor You in everything I do... but by myself I don't know how." This is why the prayer asks for inspiration and guidance immediately prior.
..
6) INSPIRE ME WITH NEW DREAMS.
. 

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KVOTD = A really sweet thought on Revelation 4:8!
"Imagine your favorite thing to do, and getting to do that every day forever... what if every day was the best day ever? ...Well, [this verse shows us that] in the Throne Room [of heaven], they never stop praising God. It goes on forever and ever and ever and ever. Every day they celebrate and worship Jesus-- they celebrate the God Who loves us forever. Every day is the best day ever. Every day we can praise God here on earth, too, and make it the best day ever! So how will you praise God today, to practice for Eternity?"
1) The simple childlike thought that the Ophanim are having the "best day ever forever" because praising God is their "favorite thing to do" is so, so sweet, and deeply touching. Lord, I pray to be blessed with such grace to feel the same.
2) The angels are worshipping JESUS, not just the Father!
3) When we worship, we echo the joyful songs of eternity here on earth. That's ASTOUNDING.
I love the analogy of "practicing." That hits so strongly and endearingly it hurts.
...

The prayer =
"God, thank You for the hope You've given me. One day, I will get to worship You in Heaven forever! Until then, please help me to be creative and find new ways to show You how much You mean to me. As I worship You, I know it will show everyone who knows me how great You are."
1) Cling to this hope. Make it the undercurrent of your life. Sing in your heart, like your Patroness, at all times, forever echoing this holy refrain. Let this hope anchor your soul to heaven.
2) This entire concept of personal creative worship is not something I ever heard as a Catholic, but it is so beautiful and important to me. It's joyous. It's liberating. It means I CAN worship God in COUNTLESS ways, to countless people! It means my faith and love and joy and hope are not imprisoned, not caged, not bound and muted!
3) Worship SHOWS. It is inherently public, praising and proclaiming. It is naturally evangelistic, an outpouring of inspired zeal, an act of grateful witness to the Breath and Fire and Living Water.
4) Worship changes how people see me-- it shifts the focus TO GOD!! Worship redirects the attention to HIM, not me! It makes me Christ's instrument, and He is the song-- it makes me His canvas, and Him the masterpiece. The Spirit paints, the Spirit performs, and God is all in all. I am nothing; that's the bliss!

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Scrupulosity articles hitting a bullseye over and over again =


"Feeling apathetic, lethargic, or careless about religion is understandable when you struggle with an anxiety disorder that is constantly trying to crush you with toxic spirituality, overthinking, and burnout. The apathy that we experience with OCD is not a true spiritual distaste but is a rejection of the overwrought, overly intense type of spirituality that OCD presses upon us."
THIS IS LITERALLY OUR EXACT PROBLEM. THEY ACTUALLY PUT IT INTO WORDS. Reading this, every lightbulb went on. We've NEVER heard ANYONE sum it up so clearly & bluntly before-- and without having words to express WHAT and WHY you're feeling, that monster remains invisible & intangible &  impossible to deal with. NOT SO ANYMORE!!
...


"Just because I have one bad day doesn’t mean my whole life is going down the tube. It doesn’t mean a relapse is imminent. [That's] absolutist thinking. It tells me that I must never have a relapse... that, if I go back to that dark place that I once was, I will never get out. It will be eternal. I can’t handle it. What black-and-white, absolutist thinking! I can recover if I have a relapse. It’s not the end of the world. I will survive whatever life throws at me because God is beside me and He will help me."
1) In any case, we don't want to risk it. "The dog returns to its vomit." Once the tiniest speck of corruption gets into your brain, you can't get it out. We know this from hellish experience, it's why we avoid the internet & television & radio whenever possible. A relapse might very well be imminent because you LIVED like that before for YEARS, and those well-worn paths of addiction don't disappear overnight. They might never disappear; they might have dug in so deep they left scars. You do have free will, of course, but never overestimate your freedom. How compromised is your state of mind? Don't risk it.
I'm rambling. Bad mindset. Sorry.
2)
3) ...I didn't expect that last line. It stunned me.
That says a fearful lot about where our anxious brain goes.
...
But... that line also feels heretically arrogant?
....


"What about people who struggle with the apathy that they feel after having a blasphemous thought, or apathy about spiritual things? How should they deal with the anxiety that arises in response to the primary disturbance, their apathy? Again, we need to recognize that the black-and-white, absolutist thinking of OCD is trying to get the upper hand. There are NO absolute statements in Scripture that say that Christians must always feel passionate and constantly soaring with lofty flights of ecstatic religious feeling.
And as for the feeling of horror that you might think should always accompany your intrusive thoughts– well, don’t forget that you’re dealing with repetitive, ego-dystonic thoughts that are pestering you every few minutes for months (even years!) on end. It’s natural for the brain to reach a point of emotional shutdown. You can only experience emotions like horror so many times before the mind tries to block out the intense emotion. Just ask traumatized war victims if their emotional response was different the first time they saw a dead body, or the hundredth time.
When you think about it, emotional numbness is actually a fairly reasonable response to the intrusive thoughts we deal with. But that’s not my main point. My main point is that there are many layers in complex situations like scrupulosity. We have to avoid pinning ourselves to the wall with absolute beliefs like, “I should always experience horror at my blasphemous thoughts to validate the fact that I don’t want them.”
THIS BLINDSIDED US.
1) The Psalms especially destroy all absolutism-- and that has actually deeply disturbed me for years.
2) "EGO-DYSTONIC"
3) THAT "SHUTDOWN" IS LITERALLY THE "ESTAR PROBLEM"!!!!!!!
4) validation and trauma
...

I am admittedly very disappointed with the conclusion of this article; it got far too carefree, seeming almost flippant. "Oh well," etc.
"Oh well. If I relapse, I relapse. I’ll get over it again."
THAT'S FATALLY PRESUMPTUOUS.
But... they also say things like,
"Oh well. If I don’t have the disgust against my intrusive thoughts that I think I ought to have, I’ll just need to leave this one with the Lord and trust Him to read my heart rather than me trusting my own validation techniques."
How can you be THAT CASUAL ABOUT THE RISK THOUGH. Maybe that's our OCD talking. Even so, that's where we're at. Feeling apathy where it does not belong-- and where, "outside of OCD," it would be a grave sin & sign of a rotten heart-- and just saying "oh well, let God be the judge" is SUPER DANGEROUS. It's like hearing the fire alarm go off and saying "oh well, if it's a real fire, I'll let the firefighters take care of it." AND WE DO THIS, SO WE KNOW. THAT APATHY IS A HUGE RED FLAG AND IT IS NOT HEALTHY.
...

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"Sometimes, our emotions just shut down, like a safety shutoff valve. This might happen when we’ve been ruminating and obsessing about our faith for too long. Numbness and apathy might actually be the brain’s way of protecting itself from too much anxiety... what most people with Religious OCD are dealing with is not true numbness and apathy towards God, but rather a sense of mental exhaustion and spiritual burnout... it’s a pretty normal thing for people to grow numb when we go through extreme experiences. This is simply our body’s way of protecting ourselves, of shutting down the emotions so that we don’t become too overwhelmed for our own good."
1) I hate this so much. I DON'T WANT A BLOODY SHUTOFF VALVE. I'M SO TIRED OF THIS BUILT-IN COWARDICE. I'M SO BLOODY TIRED OF BEING NUMB.
...


"Elijah was suicidal. He asked God to kill him and let him sleep with his ancestors. But God didn’t do that. God understood that Elijah was experiencing burnout. He was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted after his turmoil on Mount Carmel. God did not forsake him in that situation. He understood that the way he feels right now is not the way he really feels. And that’s a beautiful lesson for us. When we’re in the midst of our OCD struggles, and we’re burned out and feeling numbness and apathy towards God, the way we’re feeling is not the way we really feel. And praise the Lord. He understands that."
...
...God understands????

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we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.

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0801

Up at 1045, phone call

Tried FOUR mass livestreams, all broken
Said rosary & chaplet instead
Watched St Clare again at noon

BK prep
Spice pepper upset, Laurie referenced commentary "authority & mercy" = knowledge in order to HEAL

Talk over nousfoni death
Started by our asking Mulberry about her job, she's a Social BUT SHE WORKED WITH SHERLOCK who was NOT an Archivist originally but an INTERCESSOR???
Missing Garrison, BUT obviously "reborn" in Sirius??
Mimic asking how all this works
"Soft resets" like Laurie's axe, hard resets like Lynne's "reabsorbing"
DIFFERENT RESULTS based on STABILITY/ STATUS of nousfoni that dies??
Wondering about Nathaniel. Told Mimic s/he was "The original blepofoni"
Scalpel being Javier's successor, "he was never stable" + ARTIFICIAL

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0802

Last night before bed: visiting Mimic asleep, Darkrai protecting him from nightmares. Not ventrium. Asked about, said i might have to look for him in realm of death???
Talking to Hoopa about this after. Decided NO.
REMEMBER the City is now overgrown forest ruins WITH SNOW!!!

Woke up early, 10am
Did some prep.  Measured out and put away some food for later because doing it this early bypasses the lotophagoi compulsion to taste everything

Mom call, no reception, hung up.  Made us a nervous wreck though thinking what it could be about
This wasn't helped by the fact that we are getting flashbacks all morning from  Last night's trauma entry transcription

Rosary, chaplet, eternal rests before mass
" Let us always spend time with Christ in the Eucharist, And it will change us for the better, Because we are always changed for the better when we spend time with those we love"

Mom call was nothing serious, But incredibly interesting
She called that local priest that is going to look into actual Demonic curses on our family???  Possibly meeting him this Saturday after mass to discuss it more in-depth.

BK prep SLICE?????
Yellow, GIRL???

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0803

Up early phone call mom = Jade bath visit again

Church livestream no audio; Different mass on website
ARK HOMILY hit hard

Leaguework notes for spheres 2 & 3

Wedding at cana argument; reading through books on shelf
Forgot how much i love just sitting on the floor paging through this little library of ours

BIBLE STUDY HITS!!!!!!!
FINALLY PERFECT CLARIFICATION ON JUSTICE
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

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0804

FIRST FRIDAY
Shopping & Adoration 
Regular afternoon. Prayer & housework. 
BANJO & TITAN
Some very profound moments, painful but loving even so, with Chaos 0
We're talking a LOT thanks to the movies. We sit together on the couch, before during and after, and in all of those different times we have different conversations.
But... we haven't been talking this much in a LONG time. and... we haven't spent this much time just being close to each other in even longer.
this is good. even just as a start, this is wonderful. thank you God.
yes it hurts, but lonely broken bruised hearts full of weeping are going to hurt.
it means the entire world, though, to realize that such a heart trusts and loves you enough to get that close despite all its wounds. it means, you're safe. it means, you're a place of refuge even then. it means, you can handle this pain, and understand it.
i am grateful for every single moment of this. may God bless us with so many more.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0809

Sick? So tired. Feel wrong somehow.

Knife angry tears over cutting = NOT MEANT TO BE FOOD, BUT RETRIBUTION.
Also his color ONLY LOCKS IN WHEN HE PRAYS.

Razor being VERY philosophical today.

Everyone fronting for wall prayers. I missed this.
Siobhan super clear

BARRY IN SUITS OF AMOR????
HE MIGHT WAKE UP THAT ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

The burden is NOT prayer time, it's my STUBBORN RESISTANCE to such sustained effort
I DO love to pray, but I keep postponing and resisting it solely because it takes SO LONG and it requires SUSTAINED ATTENTIVE WORK and i'm stupid and weak.

SO MUCH MESS & MISTAKES WITH FOOD TODAY.
Legitimately threw "me" into a moral panic
So scared. Why?

Getting tiny synchronicities with Scripture again btw

This PERFECTLY describes Infi's fate, from CNC to hir literal death:
"And sin entered into the world through the seduction and false statements of the devil, by which the first man was veritably slain, his moral nature killed outright. Grace was not shut out, but Adam died. In the day that he ate of the forbidden tree, man most surely and in the deepest sense died. "God created man to be immortal, and made him to be an image of his own eternity. Nevertheless, through envy of the devil came death into the world..."

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0812

Less sick today, but still anxiously unwell.
Neuropathy, weakness, lightheaded, blackout feeling.

that one vague, oddly social Jewel talking from the background today? "I want mimic to retire for a while so that chaos 0 can come into the spotlight, And I can grow closer to him like I used to in the beginning"

mimic's wry response, "I'll retire if you give me a world to retire to"
"You keep saying there's a place ready for me there, but there's no door."

this is a HUGE revelation actually
jewel does keep saying, "yeah there's room for you in this world, OR MAYBE this one, etc..." basically, "i can feel a resonant potential spot for you there." like, if you want to walk in, it would let you.
but there's NO WAY TO "WALK IN."
JEWEL IS THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF SHE DOESN'T LET OUTSPACERS IN, THEY CANNOT DO IT THEMSELVES.
and the jewel that used to do that is NOT CLOSE TO MIMIC.
this is our dilemma. LINKS ARE REQUIRED.
NO JEWELS ARE FORMING LINKS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA.
we REALLY need to think about this.

but yeah.
if that "jewel" wants mimic to be "gone" so badly, it's HER RESPONSIBILITY to buy him the plane tickets, and drive him to the airport. she HAS to take initiative.
but she also doesn't want to admit that she's being so selfish, whoever she actually is.
(she's NOT a real jewel. actual jewels DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. this girl has stolen the name but SHE FITS NONE OF THE CRITERA!!!!)

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0817

updates during the day again, because typing is faster

Slept in due to being up late.

VERY rushed and disheveled this morning, feeling weight of prayer obligation.
rosary took 30m. kept panicking and repeating prayers. "not focused enough." ball of nerves.

mass at st clares again!
readings parallel: joshua and jesus, jordan river baptism = entering promised land, no longer wanderers with no home.

devotions today HIT.
chaos 0 and mimic LITERALLY talking about the mercy + grace bit BEFORE we read the devotional that said it almost verbatim.
no coincidences guys

said wall prayers this morning btw. again almost burned food. rushing back and forth. feeling so anxious.
still. it was nice to pray with everyone flowing in front.

razor out a lot. cutting eggs, knife happy, "this is her job because she likes to just cut things" as opposed to his very specific retributor role.
THAT ONE "WATCHER GIRL" COMMENTING THAT KNIFE WAS "UNNECESSARY" AS A RESULT.
WTF.
laurie heard her and was FURIOUS

now finally bk at 2pm. man oh man.

update: we dropped one carrot
that one younger girl FREAKED OUT SOBBING "god hates me"
laurie talking her down
double carrots, made her laugh a little, "but that's so silly." laurie "no it's not, not if it makes you laugh"; "isn't that what any good father would do?" basically "when the devil takes things from you, god restores twofold and wants to make you smile"

girl sees praying more as "giving a speech" to critical parents than "talking to them"
"i can't talk to god!!" terrified, actually cowering. like a child afraid of being hit for her brazenness.

Realizing her own clumsiness was dropping the carrots = "oh no, am I the devil???"

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0820

Hell night
Dream hacks & dehumanizing nightmares
refuse to talk about them

Church Blood sugar hell again

Mom drive home
Carnival fear talk.
WE NEVER REALIZED HOW THAT MUST AFFECT HER.
SHE TRIED TO GIVE US ENTERTAINMENT AS CHILDREN BUT IT ONLY DISTURBED & SCARED US.
She admitted this today, how we're all adverse to fairs & parties & crowds but she loves them.
Movie talk; sadly proved this

Mom food hell
Girl PANICKED. Like legit FEAR OF DEATH. Unbearable
Leon blaming himself

Bible study keeps showing us HOW MUCH WE MISUNDERSTAND & MISINTERPRET GOD.
We are still so afraid of Him. We find it so hard to even imagine that someone would WANT to be gentle & kind & patient with us, let alone loving & forgiving & merciful.
This is fatally hindering our salvation life!!!

⭐"JAY" / LOTUS WAS "LIGHT THAT DID NOT BURN" = he was a COLD LIGHT that COULD NOT GIVE LIFE OR WARMTH!!!

So many dirty girls triggered out by eggs: clumsy messy food.
UPMC fear was LEGIT-- making a mess DOES "turn us into an animal"!!!
ALL UPMC DID WAS SHAME US & WHITEWASH OUR SYMPTOMS. JUST LIKE SLC, THERE WAS NO REAL PROGRESS OR HEALING, ONLY SELF-NEGATING ACTING & STOMPING TRIGGERS IN EVEN DEEPER THROUGH DENIAL & DEPERSONALIZATION.

We NEED someone who CAN eat eggs, WITHOUT triggering out kakofoni, WHILE we do Bible study.
They will NEED TO BE NONHUMAN!!!

⭐ACTUALLY HOLD UP!!! REMEMBER HOW WE SURVIVED IN CNC??? WE WOULD DRIVE THE BODY TO EAT, NOT FRONT!!! SO WE COULD PREVENT ASSOCIATION WITH IT & STAY ANCHORED INSIDE!!! 

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0821
 
ABSOLUTE FCKNG MELTDOWN OVER JADE COMING UP TO SHOWER THE MINUTE WE SIT DOWN TO EAT BREAKFAST AT 2PM SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!!!!!!@!@@!@

Couldn't calm down until like 4pm. WHY???
God we NEED to go back to typing & talking PLEASE

Spitting acid at "soft & quiet" horror
Apparently we are STILL VIOLENTLY GYNOPHOBIC. We're afraid of this becoming misogyny. Thank God it's still based on revulsion & traumafear kicked up to 1000%. It's not hatred of femininity as a whole. It's morbidly fascinating to FEEL the mental & emotional shifts.
Certain faces, voices, outfits, "skin textures" do it. ALL "babyish" women and ALL "sultry" women make us FURIOUSLY VIOLENT and I don't know why. At least, I can't put it into speech. It's too hidden & gutdeep. I can't even find it, to look it in the face. I'd be too scared & revolted to right now.
And yet THAT WIMPY PERSONALITY IS A GIRL.
ALL THE PROUD, PRISSY, PRESUMPTUOUS, PRECOCIOUS CORPUFONI ARE GIRLS. I HATE THEM. THEY'RE SHALLOW, HOLLOW, PLASTIC FACED WHORES.

(^ See, this happens EVERY TIME)

SHUT UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PROSTITUTE

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

TRUE FEMININITY = MARY.
Let that sink in, and heal this hurting hatred.

The main thing that is preventing the j bloodline from coming back to life is shame!!!!
They were so expressive & open, so full of light and love, but there is this crushing feeling of Self-hatred and SHAME that is forbidding such an existence now.
We will probably not be able to have a solid core unless the core Has a connection to heartspace and therefore with self-identity
WE CURRENTLY "FAIL THE MIRROR TEST" on some level?????
There is NO inherent "self-recognition" in the body's reflection AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
unless there's a blepofoni consciously looking back at themselves/ us, as a face alone, THE BODY IS A TOTAL STRANGER.

Can't stop thinking about this from Bible study=
"...the day cometh when the characters we have made ourselves here, the habits we have cultivated and indulged in, the capacities we have exercised, and the set and drift of all our activity upon earth, will determine the work that we get to do there."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0823

Terribly hard day.

7am up. Nightmares again; cats & brothers, both hurting or scaring us (AGAIN. why is that a recurring theme??)

Oblates mass. tried OLOMC first but forgot they have no wednesday mass. had a hyperreligious MELTDOWN after that, convinced God "hated us" and didn't actually want us at mass or something??? bizarre how our brain STILL catastrophizes our faith like this.

Walmart stop for some groceries, don't even remember what. we were in social mode so bad, dissocation was like being drugged. genesis deeply concerned.

Therapy today. MOVE THIS TO ITS OWN ENTRY once/ if we get the memory/ time to type about it.
ALL NEW AGEY AGAIN.
huge letdown. we are so sick of that garbage. has trauma roots too from the slc era. nevertheless, we tried so hard to still listen. God still put me here. so there IS a reason this happened and we must be attentive. we are STILL a student; we cannot be proud or stubborn. and there was some legitimately good advice. Must humbly respect & learn.
HOWEVER this also made us realize, again, WE ARE NOT OURSELVES IN THERAPY.
some unknown social comes out and takes over the whole thing and GUESS WHAT THEY ARE A COMPULSIVE LIAR!!!! WE CAUGHT THEM DOING THAT TODAY, their ENTIRE manner of speech was A FACADE, an ACT, and we don't even know what the heck they were trying to pull or present us as.
STOP THEM NEXT TIME. I DON'T CARE IF OVERWHELM HAS TO FRONT. YOU DO NOT LET SOCIALS FRONT IN THERAPY.

(notes: they asked us really frustrating generic questions like "what are your hobbies" and "what are your strengths" and we could not answer. that's when the social was lying, that makes me genuinely sick. the therapist also talked about bloody affirmations-- which we hate but we didn't say anything-- and dream symbol interpretation. no idea how, or if, we'll be able to make progress here. even so, we don't see them for another MONTH which means the next session will probably feel like starting over, and if we're smart, we'll TREAT IT AS SUCH and forget whatever the heck junk happened today, because none of it stored to actual memory which is a VERY BAD SIGN.)

Home late, Bk at 2
Oat bar mistake. Body immediately had an ALLERGY REACTION????? burning eyes and throat, runny nose. coughing and flushed face. stomach rejecting it entirely. THREW UP.
felt horrible. we cannot remember the last time we had an e.d. day, and then this stupidity happens.
Then tried raisins, God knows why. THREW UP AGAIN.
what the heck are we reacting to???? with the oat bar it was DEFINITELY either the rice syrup or the coconut oil, as BOTH rice and coconut have given us bad reactions in the past, BUT now our brain is like "what if we're allergic to oats now???" so yeah, even more food terror. we have to pinpoint the lotophagoi who hold all this and talk to them.

Disastrously sick. Terrified.
Praying and eating DN 730, don't want to go to ER

⭐concerning our massive terror of "being killed"... NO ONE CAN TAKE MY LIFE AWAY, ONLY JESUS.
Rest in this.

DN Bible study: Patristic commentaries HIT HARD SON!!!!!

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0827

HECK OF A DAY SON

Church
Jade call
Drive
Cry
WE CAN'T PROCESS SADNESS

DW TYPING!!!!

BK 330 WTF

Ok I'm sorry but I have to record this.
The kids buy most study reflection I was talking about when king David was annointed, And the girl getting the devotional said, " It's not every day that we see someone get anointed with oil".
Mimic Just glances over at my salad then at me and says "I can fix that"

SO MUCH CLARIFICATION in Bible study today!!

SO SICK after breakfast. Dehydration.
Surrender prayer
Bravely ate raisins & Gatorade too , overcoming anorexic fear

GOD GOT US THROUGH!!!!!!
Honestly He has NEVER FAILED US. EVER.


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0828

Up at 11
Irish mass no homily.l
Canada mass Augustine homily, Julie deeply moved
St clare mass readings homily on bike
Everything worked out perfectly!

Egg trouble actually inspired Razor to talk??
How in heaven is she so insightful. Is it her age? Her origin & depth of history? Her color? Her conversion? All of the above?

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0829

Marketplace PANIC.
SO MUCH RAGE about food & money???? HATRED.
Scared of this in us. Thank God for revealing.
Find roots and deal with because this KEEPS HAPPENING and it is driving a wedge between us and especially our mother.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

let me reiterate this was a HELL NIGHT
Literally thought we were dying
Up until 2am in pain & sickness
hysterically praying to our mother of perpetual help
splitting headache, nauseous, muscles twitching all over. couldn't breathe.
jesus voice said we were severely dehydrated???? we ended up drinking 4 bottles of water, the body was so thirsty it was sick. 

Woke up at 6? spotty sleep, bad dreams, all family abuse/ disownment fears and people "plotting our death" as usual.
Terribly hot indoors, opened the window. scared "summer is coming" = "trauma flashbacks every day"

barely conscious due to fatigue and illness. body felt stable at the moment though.
heat bothering us, spontaneously rolled up sleeves and pulled up shirt, wasn't thinking about this when i pulled chaos zero's anchor plush to my chest.
FLOORED me. water to blood. i nearly wept. i had forgotten what it felt like to BE close to him like this.
upstairs instantly, completely. for a while we just held each other, both of us in tears from the sudden overwhelming intimacy and emotion of it all. with the dawn light and early spring cold around us it was perfect. felt like myself for the first time in YEARS

but
the body fell back asleep, and you know what happens during daylight hours
we had a HIDEOUS DREAM HACK
absolute WORST i can remember in recent months.
don't even remember waking up. everything a shattered mess. body so confused, in horrible pain.

Chaos BROKE DOWN. sobbing and terrified. i have not seen him this wrecked in... a very very long time.

i was trying to soothe him, lowkey disconcerted at "why I wasn't feeling this bad?" realized I HADN'T BEEN THE ONE HACKED. someone ELSE was dreaming the dream. this is typical, but in the wake of the horror it was disturbing. reminded me of hellsummer with all the hacker/victim girls.

said i needed to check something very important.
went into bubblespace with infinitii. said i needed to check the "body map" in regards to connections vs hacker forcing in wrong areas. did not want to literally do anything, did not want to hurt or trigger cz.
i was using a "light sword" to check? like running it through me to see if it hurt.
then "penlight" like a doctor, through index finger. light looked like a refraction. rainbow end.
discovered that THE BODYMAP & BODY-RESONANCE FIELD CHANGES W FRONTER????
HUGE revelation !!!!!
like if i penlit my abdomen, shooting that light beam through it, it felt/reacted DIFFERENTLY than it would for the BODY ITSELF. same with head, chest, hands, etc. this is HUGE. explains WHY it's so difficult for foni to front, especially cores.

"BODYNAMES" VS CANNONS VS LOTOPHAGOI VS SOCIALS!!!
so much info. let me try to summarize

bodynames= entire body is TRAUMA.
head: numb tangled. no thoughts just echoes and programs and fear.
chest: disturbingly plasticine. feels hollow, sore like flu. solar plexus instantly turns to YELLOW SCREAMING.
upper abdomen: turns orange and scream becomes more guttural. from "fright" of yellow to "horror" of orange
lower abdomen (navel): vermilion color??? surprised. scream is like an animal now. lunatic terror. throaty and awful to hear.
could not check lower, the screaming became too hyperpink and hysterical it felt like a bomb going off.
notable detail: LEGS. upper legs are also neon pink trauma zones. worse than stomach, but no screaming??? "numb from terror." post-hack braindeath.
above knees, legs were "obelisks of pain??" surreal feeling. carry SCARS. gray backdrop almost. "memorials of suffering" we were saying.
nothing from knees down. depersonalized almost.

cannons= ENTIRE BODY GETS RED "X" BUZZ RESPONSE to penlight
like there is NO data because it is INACCESSIBLE.
the only data response area is the hands and they light up WEAPON RED.
this was mindblowing. cannons exist FROM the bodyvoices and they exist as a "snap point" to DESTROY whatever has put all that screaming fear in the body.
cannon overlay is literally a weapon of violence. entire existence is laserpointed into that function alone

lotophagoi= also a hyperfocus overlay?? very orange feeling.
nothing much in head. feels robotic almost, repetitive vibe. glazed eyes but panicked with numb veneer.
all energy response is in the mouth, throat, stomach, abdomen. stomach lit up blinding orange like a tangerine.
NOTHING in chest or arms or legs. no "fear" either-- just PANIC HUM. shocked to realize this.
THERE ARE DIFFERENCES IN LOTOPHAGOI.
the other subspecie, the purgers, are DIFFERENT. they DO have penlight response to arms and legs, a lightning blue, again hyperbright. and that same numb veneer over screaming panic all over. energy has a FLOW and its BACKWARDS. whereas the bingers were orange and focused in the mouth and stomach, the purgers feel bluish and all the energy is focused in the abdomen and throat??? plus arms. so weird. felt sick to see both of these

socials= BIZARRE. they have a superbright response in the head AND mouth, but EVERYTHING ELSE IS MUTED. chest, limbs, stomach, even abdomen, all get a NEUTRAL RESPONSE. i think their hands had a slight response but that's it. EXPLAINS WHY THEY'RE "BLIND" TO TRIGGERS-- all the trigger bodydata is SHUT OFF for them. WTF.

went back to checking general physical bodyspace after these variations. turned it around, seeing if that changed things, it DID.
Wreckage triggered over by pink lower spinal "danger zone". i explained what we were doing, shone penlight through that spot again and when it set off the "freeze panic" body response wreckage VISIBLY snarled and got in attack pose. like automatically. she was reacting to a nonexistent threat because the wire was tripped, so to speak. heartbreaking to see, as proof of how damaged corpufoni actually are.
whole back was weird. shoulders were safer, but the entire spine causes a freezepanic response. hip area is just more bloodcurdling screams.

checked wreckage's bodymap.
all unusually burnish-vermilion in vibe. coppery almost. but STABLE. like... SHOCKINGLY STABLE. in contrast to all the trauma fields we were testing, wreckage was like a rock. valor and strength in chest/abdomen, hands registered as SHIELDS, notably a gamboge orange i remember how that stood out. and she DOES get that same stable energy response in her limbs, even legs, which was notable because the bodyspace typically DIDN'T RESPOND to leg checks. remember how old pseudocores would always write about how they "felt like they didn't exist from the waist down." still don't know if that's all trauma; the overlays are suggesting that yeah it DID affect the legs.

at some point we called julie in???
wanted to compare her to the trauma-damaged ones. apologized for this but she said no, it's fair. let me penlight her energy field. her head response was surprisingly complex? lots of thoughts.
most notably: her hands, abdomen, & hips-down ALL register as WEAPONS???????????? which is INSANE.
i was shocked, "even now?" she bitterly said yeah, that's not something you can just erase from psychic memory i guess.
chest response was oddly guarded. felt wide and soft but walled-in. and NOT light pink, it leans towards magenta.
again very quick penlights for her because i didn't want to be invasive or overly personal. we're just learning this all.

Called in Laurie, gave her a briefing on all this data
she had me penlight my OWN bodymap for the record, which was VERY difficult as it kept getting "confused" with body awareness, muddling up the data, BUT now i RECOGNIZED what the differences were so it made it easier to anchor into ME instead of what was being forced upon me
i vaguely remember my head-response literally felt like a refracting kaleidoscope. surprised me, i would've expected that from the jewels, not me!
chest response similar. honestly deeply reassuring; it was all that light-refraction feeling i USED to "identify with" back before my bloodline started to rot and die off. i remember laurie giving me this look and saying "none of you can say you're surprised by this" with matter-of-fact affection, wreckage nodded and that just pulled at my heart

oh geez i forgot INFI. i checked hir bodymap too!!
hir wing response is like smoke. NOT "part of body" which is bizarre??? too fluid. like they're blackspace attached to hir.
hir head response was very very black too, but like velvet and stars. notably "quiet," serene feeling. not the "business meeting" feel from julie that was so surprising, not the sparkling colors of mine, not the stone-sharp warmth of wreckage. gosh i MISS feeling people's souls up here, i love them all so much, i could cry. remember we STILL HAVE LISTS with "energy scents & textures" & stuff. man we NEED to revisit that, now that i'm aware that i CAN.
infi has this odd but significant pocket of concentrated blackspace resonance at hir solar plexus??? under heart, above abdomen. FEELS "black," the scary sort. foreboding. not sure why that is. i think infi said it had something to do with "swallowing shadow" to transmute it, that stomach-spot was the center of that?
chest response is gorgeous though, again no one is surprised. and yet it was so soft. took me completely off guard honestly. like white starlight spilling out. refractive like mine too, but like shining a light on a crystal in a dark room. splinters of light in the shadows. quiet and lovely. gosh that meant SO MUCH to me, to see and feel that response in hir inherent bodymap. i was so afraid ze had been corrupted beyond repair after cnc. apparently that is absolutely not the case. thank you God, thank You so much.
last bit. that lower-abdomen "bubble" response was PALE PINK??? and a strange dual response between comfort and dread. like it could be either safe or dangerous. which makes sense.
i remember hir saying "i keep life safe in there" or something.
NOTABLY, IF THAT 'BUBBLE' IS REMOVED, IT CHANGES INFI'S ENTIRE VIBE TO SOMETHING VICIOUS. i don't know how else to explain it. hir bodyshape changes, to be less feminine, ze loses the face-eye and gets all teeth... it's scary. infi immediately put the bubble back when we noticed this. said "that's not the true me."

at some point, i forget what happened, infi grabbed a tar-creep in hir hands and made MOUTHS IN HIR PALMS to eat/transmute it instantly. so creepy weird. i love hir.
unfortunately now i remember where it came from. we were checking my bodymap before anyone else showed up and there was this single bright cyan splinter in my abdomen, like a sword. pierced in at an angle. i forget how we removed it? it was surprisingly simple, and the instant it was removed it shattered into prismatic dust. instantly gone. glad to see no tar in it though.
BUT there was one in the bodymap abdomen i think. not in me. for the record my bodymap ISN'T femaleshaped at all. again, dysphoria trigger. but also oddly reassuring? because in the body the fear is so intense we cannot "imagine" any other overlay sometimes. girls use this as proof that "there's no dysphoria" etc. but inside when i CAN be in myself, the shape is totally different and it feels safe and genuine. note that.
been trying to hold different overlays lately for the record, adult masculine. aware that the body IS older than we realize, and needing to come to terms with both physical aging and the fact that i realistically cannot inhabit a similar reflection to the previous jaycores. also wondering if my bloodline name is shifting, as everyone keeps using different names for me. but we'll learn. today is a step in that direction.

anyhow. at some point laurie just stopped us all and said "hold up, did you seriously leave chaos zero alone during all this??"
felt like the floor dropped out, i said oh geez we got carried away with all the important data. immediately left bubblespace to go check on him.

Went back to Chaos, he was with Xenophon, holding her tight and in tears. utterly distraught.
he asked what i had been doing, where did i go. i said sorry we lost track of time. briefly told him what we discovered-- notably, that with the hack this morning, "that wasn't ME". didn't match me at ALL.

he said he didn't feel like himself either. said he knew he would never do something like that. but then why did it happen? he was so disturbed and shaken by the awareness of it.
i tried to explain how mutable and freakish that mindstate is, the danger of it. we all remembered the eros days, how scary they were in the aftershocks.
mostly i just held him. told him that i loved him. i knew the real him, i recognized him, always. kept reassuring him that this would not make me hate him, like old cores often would out of sheer traumatized horror and confusion.
maybe it's because i wasn't the one hacked. but then why was he being used. deep down i was furious.

phone alarm went off, the original sonic special stage. oddly sweet to hear then, holding chaos zero's face up softly to my own and smiling into the watery blue


Church
BODY SICK AGAIN. why.
wondering if it's from yesterday. yeah we were rehydrated but we ate like nothing. plus all the water probably tanked our potassium again. so exhausted with this mess. gotta stop. gotta work with the lotophagoi.

spontaneously said rosary after BK prep, walking around with xenophon saying it
Prayed wall prayers ALL TOGETHER!!!
NO FRUSTRATION OR EXHAUSTION THAT WAY
Sharona and Galadia even joined in
amazing to feel everyone front and speak internally. everyone using "we" and "us" in the prayers. MORE GENUINE THAN ANY HYPERRELIGIOUS FONI EVER PRAYED. i wanted to cry from joy.
laurie commenting "if anyone tells you that being a system is incompatible with your faith, you tell them to pack their bags and walk out the door"
then some banter about "yeah i'd be waiting for them to change their mind so i could let them back in", amusingly sweet. laurie's got this incredible compassion down beneath all the steel and bandages

Julie "accidentally" called Sharona "Jezebel"
"Well, technically you're not wrong" = wondering if THAT is a "title" too???
In any case, her name being taken from our birthmother is even more disturbing.
remember sharona wears bright red lipstick. the "mavrofoni" (ohoho possible jargon) ALL seem to hold red at some place. i find that fascinating. jewel was the first, too, which is crazy. people tend to forget how HEAVY she resonated with black!


BK at 2pm
Continuing the Lucado Bible study. Hebrews letter about new Holy of Holies; really trying to grasp this. Never had education on that point in the faith, ironically as it's VITAL.

Crashed hard after eating. Reading church stuff but kept "blackout" falling asleep.
felt so funky getting up to go to cathechism, like we were under anaesthesia. this seems to only happen after a bad purge night. thank God those are now fewer and further between than they have been in like a DECADE.

Quick Redners stop on the way to restock triscuits and powerade. mentioning this because "Be The Light" played on shuffle on the way out. Laurie singing it with such level conviction. it's one of her anthems honestly. meant so much to hear her speaking those words.
Chaos 0 still absolutely wrecked. I think vapid store muzak lyrics set him off. "When did this become my role in the System?"
Laurie said it wasn't; it was just how those traumatized pseudocores saw him
CZ asking "why??" it was objectifying. "That isn't love."
Laurie said that there was a twisted "bright side" to that actually. the pseudocores were programmed to social and religious expectations. they were told they "HAD" to get married and that required the hells Julie put them through. but... those girls still couldn't drop the obligations, and so they were now pasting that onto him. yeah it was awful but, at least that meant they saw him as "safe." like, if they had to get married, it would be to him. and that's something at least. even if they screwed up everything else, even if their perspective on reality was totally skewed, deep down the only label they were actually putting on cz was "the only person i would marry." and at face value that's not a bad thing.
nevertheless. the details and corruptions of it had us all shaken and upset. this got to me especially as i could see how that same obligatory fear had crept into my subconscious too, even with the gender issues alongside it. and above all i did not want these girls ironically being adulterous with my beloved because they "had" to call someone their "husband," even if i was the only person in the system with any genuine right to call him that. but i digress. if that's where such a title is taking us, then i will drop it here and now. i will stop shoving us into that box as well.
...laurie gave me permission to fast-forward through "be the light" to play something for chaos. and i kid you not, about three shuffles in, "Leviathan" came on.
Chaos just started to sob. but he didn't say he didn't deserve it. he said, "you're really going to play this one."
i said yeah. looked at him with heartfelt solemn sincerity. "because i love you."
i sang along with the chorus. let it run through my chest like an aching wave. felt the blue echoing from the back of the car.


Catechism class is a blur again, due to social interference, but since we didn't talk anywhere near as much it's not too jumbled (thank God, that makes recovery easier)
we did go on an inspired monologue about Eucharist & humanity of Christ, as we've been feeling so much profundity concerning that lately. don't remember our exact words but i remember actually feeling genuine in the process, which says a lot.
also kathy made nut-free fasting bread for us, God bless her. she insisted we take four big slices home, gonna be brave

DN at 845 geez
had a piece of the fasting bread!
Lotophagoi freakout over it BUT no purge!! promised the good Lord we wouldn't. gotta be brave and faithful.
Body is very happy about that and the carbs, haha.
also xenophon likes strawberry butter, i do not. telling her (and myself) this was fine, it's okay if we like different things. she wasn't even fazed, bless her. too happy about sharing bread with me. thinking about that margaret rizza song.

Mimic & I really getting into the deep doctrine with this scripture study haha
Shocked that I was NEVER catechized in this stuff
Oh well now we can learn together!
remember he IS our catechumen this year, and galadia, WHY AREN'T WE INCLUDING HER honestly FIX THAT

now typing this entry and listening to some music. "night beds" for some reason. interesting style but they carry so much panic-terror from the cnc days so we can't listen to them much now.
also doing research for leagueworld 2.2, which is FINALLY its own thing after almost 20 years, haha. it deserves it. i've been feeling pushed to work on it over the past week, here and there, but kept putting it off in order to pray or do daily responsibilities. but it kept insisting (still shocked to consider that maybe God WANTS us to do creative things) and tonight i answered, and IMMEDIATELY we hit on this MASSIVE INSPIRATION FOUNDATION that i can feel sprouting potential even now. (jewel btw hey!!) so i'm excited. i miss feeling brand-new (well, kind of) worlds finding their roots and blooming. it gives me so, so much joy.

okay now jay is listening to chaos zero's spotify playlist and this is the kind of stuff he used to sing to him back in college and i can feel his chest warming up which is really sweet actually, even secondhand. i don't know how bad stuff was today and i can't know but i'm sure it'll all heal up for them fast. it always does. they scar but they get back up and in each others arms, literally. they love each other too much.
aw i've gotta let them ride this song out, it's too sweet.
good night everyone!! <3

Starting this entry on our phone!
Of course it's unfinished, but with time constraints & emotional stress lately that's been inevitable.
Nevertheless, daily updates are mandatory, so here we go.


We were up until 3:15 last night working on trying to finish unfinished entries on here, so as a result we "slept in" until noon. Unfortunately, as usual, we woke up once at 6 and again at 930, and then we couldn't fall back asleep.
Our social worker called again around 10am (they have been regularly calling at this hour) to say we finally have a psychiatrist appointment for January. Honestly, I seriously doubt Hatchet will ever let us take psych meds-- which is shocking because we WERE taking meds during inpatient, but the System was dormant at that time. Even so, they were minor. We refuse to take anything that might muffle internal commuication and/or emotional states, especially antipsychotics. We would rather struggle and fight and learn together, than swallow some chemicals that screw with our brain function. No thank you. That's also why we don't take pain meds-- our body is in pain for a reason, and I am not going to "mute the fire alarm" just because I don't like the noise. I say this with a noted amount of irony as I have been ignoring such alarms in the apartment, but those have been minor every single time (it's a disabled community so even candle smoke can set them off) but I am aware of how unhealthy that response is on my part, especially in regards to not taking Tylenol for a migraine-- sometimes, even alongside the "I don't want to ignore the reality", I am being numb and blind, because I'm just wanting to suffer or put myself in danger, until it gets so bad that my cowardly instincts kick in and I start panicking and praying hysterically. It's humiliating. But at least I'm able to see and admit it. Next step is getting sincere contrition and amendment for it.


Mom actually called like 10 minutes after the social worker, and as usual, talked for a half hour. We love her but she started the call with "I'm sorry, were you trying to sleep?" and then just... kept talking, haha. But she's a scatterbrain and always has been; we never hold that against her. She means well, she just completely loses track of time and thought.
Still... I was sad at how our "conversations" tend to go. She was talking AT me mostly, and I noted (with significant distress) that whenever I "interrupted" to add a comment or response, she would audibly grumble, sigh exasperatedly, and immediately start talking again almost as if I hadn't spoken. I know it's because I'm breaking her train of thought, which is a fragile thing, but I still instinctively react like "my voice does not matter," or worse, "my voice is unwelcome" and "I am being rude and inconsiderate and selfish by speaking up."

At one point the floor fell through metaphorically because mom said "he doesn't like to talk about it, but he gained weight with the meds he was taking for cancer, so he has to buy all new shirts..." like WTF MOM WHO HAS CANCER????? I asked, but she completely dodged the question twice, not even acknowledging that I had asked, not naming names and changing the subject almost instantly. Honestly it is so frustrating when she does that; she'll "hint" at something that she is keeping secret but is apparently struggling to do so alone, as she therefore has no support or ability to discuss it or get comfort, BUT she will refuse to receive those things by acting like she never said anything at all. Sometimes, in the past, she would outright lie and say "I never said that! You're hearing things" and again, immediately change the subject and refuse to acknowledge the previous accusation. 
But mom for heaven's sakes does my BROTHER have CANCER????? what the heck why is my family so secretive, we've been shaken up all day over this, we only found out that her boyfriend had cancer when one day she offhandedly mentioned that "yeah he's sleeping off the chemo today" and I was like WHAT???? and although, again, she refused to elaborate, at some point she had to tell us outright, I think because he was threatening suicide??? it was a disaster. But yeah, mom is... not very good at communicating. No one in our birthfam ever was, sadly.
Anyway. Despite my shock, or maybe in spite of it, she changed the subject hard to baking. Just jumped right in, talking at lightspeed, asking me "did you know this?" "do you know that?" to change my focus. Geez. I guess that's where I picked up my dishonest "redirecting" behavior. At least now I know, and I can feel how wrong it is firsthand, which motivates me to be even more determined to change.
Anyhow,
...
Clothes gifts for siblings. Language showed she is still recalcitrant to acknowledge transgender issues in her kids
She's obsessed with that eight book. Lots of talk about sacred math & sound which we LOVE. 

Suffocation morbid thoughts, also knife fights
Why do we still feel such a bizarre suffering drive? even when we've grown "cowardly" now?
like we want more scars, on some level. we want to "experience terror", to "prove we can survive" and "that we are brave enough To face it." is this trauma again??? what the heck does that to to a brain

Got out of bed for... 1130 I think? body getting shaky from hunger. dislike that but it happens.

Adding the cinnamint oils to the blankets again. Celebi wanted the ylangylang on her anchor plush, haha. We used to put actual candle wax on her forehead years ago, that's where she got that mark.

Showing Xenophon the music boxes mom gave us from the house, she was thrilled
Me having amusing but heartfelt thoughts about "metal is actually a romantic element" because yeah music boxes, but also bells & wedding rings & violin strings & so many other really beautiful things. wondering about how i've always felt weirdly drawn to metal as an element? never really explored that. wonder what the roots of it are.

Late breakfast prep, couldn't concentrate, brain was a mess from fasting so long & not sleeping well. asked everyone to help me
Leon & Scalpel specifically offered their support & aid

Ambulance went by; we ALL spontaneously said a group prayer for the people involved
Felt so close to everyone in that moment, in that genuine care. really moving.


Do NOT add half another apple to breakfast, stomach Does Not Like It

Daily Bible verse John 13:35
"words of encouragement" gesture of love; surprisingly difficult? Clashes with SOCIAL MODE
Mimic observing that "your beliefs about the world are reflected in your actions"; basically if you believe the world is cruel & uncaring & everyone is out to get you, well then you start to act cruel & uncaring and now you're the one treating people badly. self-fulfilling prophecies. "we become what we think"
I emphasized how this is also directly related to what we believe about God or the lack thereof; the "innate nature of reality" as it were. enables or disables hope for change or something better at all

He also had us look up "disciple" to better explain the verse
Interesting etymology!
Ultimate clarification came from HEBREW word "talmid" & culture basis: give up life to become like their teacher, not just studying them. I pointedly called this "Sacred mimicry"

Can't be a disciple if you don't believe your teacher, if you believe it inevitably affects your behavior, etc. 

Since we started eating late, we didn't finish until like 2pm?
We felt slightly sick and extremely tired-- typical-- and so I took Leon & Scalpel up on their offer of support while I did the last few dishes (I've taken up the very smart habit of doing all dishes as I finish that part of the meal, so when the whole thing is done there's just 3 or so items to wash; it minimizes the time in the kitchen during that "interim state" and therefore helps lessen the risk of a panic binge). However, at some point, somehow, one of the ED nousfoni still came out?
She was so nervous, so scared. I don't recall why. She cut a slice of an apple to eat but, again, it was purely compulsive-- I could clearly feel she didn't "want" it, she just felt "compelled" to eat it, and we're still not sure why she does this. But Laurie & Spice both called her out angrily & told her to stop. I tried to be the "good cop" in the situation and comfort her a bit, so she wouldn't crash or "shut down," which most "scared" voices WILL DO if confronted-- their functions are so solidly based on fearful "survival" or coping, that telling them to "stop" feels like A THREAT OF DEATH and so they sometimes will actually REBEL on purpose. It's practically automatic; their roles are so hardwired that they can't "stop," at least not by being ordered or told to.
Still. She was a nervous wreck, poor thing, and I don't know why she almost gets pulled out whenever we're in the kitchen AFTER eating, but she does. And she was trying to pick at every little thing, her fear rising quickly.
I didn't think I could get enough control to walk out of the kitchen, so the only way I could fight her trigger-fronting was to quickly start a different focus in that environment-- which I did by getting out the cloves we bought last night and finishing Xenophon's pomander! We quickly had everyone hanging out again, and the inner "vibe" changed COMPLETELY. Incredible really, how different it feels in the head compared to the Social mindset. It's heartbreaking and frightening. Still, it was an important piece of data to realize. In any case, finishing the orange only took like 15 minutes, but it was a nice little refocus, and even better-- it's done now! Just in time for Christmas. It looks beautiful and smells even better, haha. We don't have a hook for it and don't know where we'd hang it anyway-- we're not allowed to put anything in the ceiling here-- so we set it on the altar for now. It fits, it feels like a symbol of a thurible somehow. I like it.
One interesting note-- for music, we put on Uyama Hiroto radio? And it was playing all ANCIENT tunes like Nujabes & Fat Jon & Minmi & such... the Jayce days. It felt so weird, like a time machine. Xenophon had us switch the music because it was "too jazzy" and didn't fit her style.
Still, wow. Amazing how completely our mental "atmosphere" was changed by that auditory reminder of past Cor(e)s and how they felt to live in this mind/body. Surreal.

Around 3pm, we felt the depression hitting again??? Why this time? Is that tied to some trauma event or reminder? I wonder.
Anyhow, we had just finished brushing our teeth, and it was the Hour of Mercy, so we decided to do the one thing that would help get our mind off the emotional distress-- pray. We're honestly striving to be determined to pray at this hour daily; we need to be accountable and punctual. (We did start closer to 4 again today, but I can't remember why? Still, we didn't use that as a despairing "why even try" excuse, thank God.) So we got on the bike and said the Divine Mercy chaplet and a Glorious Rosary-- those Mysteries are our second favorite, as we always lead them at Mass on Sunday mornings, and the pictures we have saved to our phone for them are so beautiful. I'll have to post a few sometime, maybe with reflections on why we love them; that would be really nice. Our favorites, though, are obviously the Sorrowful Mysteries; those fall on Tuesday which is Adoration Day in QotA and so we like to say those in front of the Monstrance, which basically puts us into a whole other state of consciousness, haha. Literally, we can imagine those events so clearly, it is psychospiritually EXHAUSTING but it is so worth it. It feels like we re-live Holy Week every Tuesday with that Rosary. And, when we say it personally with the photos, the ones we have saved for those are gut-wrenching, ESPECIALLY for the second Mystery-- the Scourging-- which most people are too squicked out by to show art of. (EWTN would completely avoid showing images of it during TV rosaries which genuinely upset us; for us the appalling bloody violence of the scourging is the central part of why that was so mysteriously sacred.)

...
After we prayed, we sadly still felt so sick emotionally, with no strength to do anything positive, because that sort of mindset likes to fuel religious paranoia and fear. So, we went on our phone and started "cleaning out" the 70-or-so tabs we had open, which-- inevitably-- were all religious articles we hadn't finished reading yet, over the past several weeks-- some from even before inpatient! But you can't rush through this stuff; it's heavy reading and it must be integrated as well.
...

We ended up biking for two solid hours, finishing around 6pm because mom called again, haha.
She wanted us to come over and help her bake, but we had to say no-- even though we felt horrible doing so, like an impudent callous brat-- explaining that it was not safe for us to go out this late, especially not to a high-activity, high-noise, overstimulating environment (which, although we love mom, is always what happens around her; it's just her energetic default).
She still wants us to come over on Friday to help her make the Polish rolls-- which we're willing to do of course, but... that's my anniversary. I don't want to spend my whole day dissociated and surrounded by bloody food when I have something infinitely more important to focus on. So... I really don't know what I'm going to do there.
...

Dinner was at 7pm, by the time we got everything prepped, because I insisted on also prepping breakfast again now and not after, again because I knew we'd have some poor disordered gal triggered out.
...

Reading Job 36 more, studying it line by line, Mimic always insisting I clarify every phrase
Phlegmoni & Galadia starting to join him in this; yesterday they were asking "hey why aren't we more involved in this? why aren't we spending more personal time with you in any case?" which is a darn good question. Honestly I think it's just because both of them have virtually no canon history. They are destined to be Leaguespacers-- Phleg is already "linked" to a nascent World-- so it's much, much harder to interact with them in headspace because they DON'T have a solid "identity" of their own yet, and if they get too much of one in headspace, it can severely damage their League-life. So we have to be very careful.
I know I will have to say "goodbye" to them both on some level, at some point. Mimic, too, inevitably-- I can feel the League calling him, and he has expressed a genuine interest in the idea of literally getting a "new lease on life" with that.
Still... I'm really liking having the three newbies around for the holidays, it's sweet.

...

After dinner, as expected, the panic-binge girl came out, and was trying to eat all the SunChips. Well Laurie was FURIOUS and was yelling at her to stop again, as was Xenophon and Mimic and me of course, but she was actively tuning them out AND shutting down her own emotions in order to mechanically continue to "pretend to eat" (yeah, she was doing the chew-spit thing again; at least she recognizes that her impulse is to bite and not eat, per se) because "I'm enjoying this" but she WASN'T. In reality I think there are wires being crossed? There's no "enjoyment" or happiness at all; there's only a false "relief" from the dissociation that occurs WHEN she forcibly shuts everything down and just does automated self-abuse-analogous behavior.
Somehow we stopped her? I think Laurie PUSHED THROUGH to half-front for a second? Because someone took the bag of chips and crushed it, to which the girl shouted "hey!!" petulantly but we said nope, if you're going to continue doing this, we are not going to keep this around, it's too dangerous. Give it to the squirrels.
So we did, literally. We went downstairs and tossed the whole bag of crumbs onto the lawn-- which, amusingly, someone else had done similarly before us, as there were cornflakes all over the place. Well hey, the critters do need to eat. So the ED girl (one of them at least, the bluer scared one) actually felt nice about this? Like she was able to not hurt us and help an animal, basically. It was like seeing the first star in a dark night; there was this new glimmer of "I can be good; I don't have to always be bad!" 
...
Going back inside, probably from eating like three or four chips in that whole hell of a process, plus the overwhelming panic, our body legit wanted to throw up. A different voice kept insisting on this, wide-eyed but emotionally detached, the panic screaming under the surface but her job was just "don't feel. stop the danger. now. do it." VERY chartreuse-feeling, which is RARE and HUGELY NOTABLE.
Still, I REFUSED. I said "I want to fight." And so I did. I told the girl we could take antacids, would that help? She numbly (thousand yard stare, poor thing) said yeah, and took three. Then I immediately brushed the teeth & got into pajamas, and although the body didn't feel any better, it helped pass the time and get us ready to just hop into bed later without further prep.
And that's when I sat down at this laptop! Honestly this is the best possible thing to do when feeling sick or upset; it is a TOTAL ATTENTION SHIFT from the outside to the inside, total detachment from whatever we're feeling, and it can easily be prolonged for hours so it keeps us completely safe.
Anyone who says "technology is the devil" has never talked to us, haha. Honestly, computers have given massive boosts to our growth in faith and psychological healing throughout our entire life.

...
I've been listening to Albert Guinovart on Spotify all evening. I forget how I stumbled across him, but his album "Nocturne" is gorgeous. I think I liked every single track. Infi loves it, too-- it's very evocative emotionally, which is entirely hir vibe.
We were listening to an Alex Futon album while we biked, or at least, we were trying to; we like three tracks on the album but the rest are so explicitly sexual it's disgusting. How the heck people have no shame in saying such things is beyond me. Whatever the "worldly" mind is in that respect, I do not want to go anywhere near it, ever. That's another big reason why I don't like to socialize-- people out there consciously think like that, and that is TERRIFYING.

...I was talking to Infinitii again today, in little focused bubbles of conversation, short but heavy.
Probably the MOST IMPORTANT THING we "realized" today, after being so disturbed & distressed by the religious reading on the bike, was that... technically, INFINITII IS THE ONLY "MOTHER" IN THE SYSTEM. Full stop. And... this makes me the only actual "father" of EVERY potential "system child."
Infinitii and I are literally two halves of the same soul. Yes, I always call Chaos 0 my "other half" but he's part of my heart. That was a choice on his part and mine; it wasn't inherent. But Infinitii is actually taken from my very being. 
I was freaking out over "canon law" about illegitimates and then I realized, hey hold up, I've never actually done anything like that. Not in reality, ever, and upstairs it's also been completely inapplicable. At least, from what I remember. God I hope so. That whole topic is so disturbing and buried in our past.
But... I can't think in depth about it, I'll have a trauma meltdown. The point I want to make is, Infinitii and I are inevitably the only "parents" of any creature that exists as a result of our CONSCIOUS INTENT TO REDEEM & RECTIFY ALL THE ABUSE, not as a pr*****cy, because we're the ones that GOT abused so directly. No one else. Yes, many others in the System do have trauma, but always from getting too close TO us IN our trauma.
I can't talk about this, I can feel our brain and body shutting down.
But yeah. Celebi and Chaos and even Genesis maybe might "influence" those children, but those kids are not biologically borne; they are from BLACKSPACE like every other Nousfoni, and their existences simply draw from the life-energy of ours that was traumatically misused in the past, for the sake OF "making something good come out of even that." The ultimate victory of light over dark. Good over evil. The triumph of love & truth despite all odds. That's why the kids exist; that's why Xenophon was in that bloody sink. They're literal living manifestations of transmutation-- of taking the blackest tar and, through love alone-- love that courageously refuses to surrender or give up-- transforming it into the most precious thing. Hearts of gold.

...Honestly, I think Infinitii is the only being EVER that I can be "married to" in a Christian sense.
Every time I read about it in light of faith, it's all about children. Marriage only applies TO that context; otherwise it's just a close personal relationship. Intimacy is meant for procreation and no matter how much I love Chaos 0 I cannot do that with him. Ever. I've tried, yeah, but it only goes halfway or I completely meltdown or he stops me or something else. Plus, biology is missing, conspicuously, and thank God for that.
Still. Infi is part of me. That's the ONLY way I'm going to have ANY sort of "male/female" interaction in a relationship; the Good Lord knows I've been genderqueer since my childhood, as well as completely repulsed by physical sexuality AND the very idea of being "attracted to people." To this day, even if I think some girls are pretty & some guys are handsome, the thought of "romance" or anything worse is loathsome. Absolutely nauseating. And yeah, I've tried to force it, especially for some girls I really care for, but I can't. It just cannot be honest, not from me. I have known since childhood that marriage is NOT my calling and also I just CANNOT be "a girl" and NEVER "a woman" but. My religious community absolutely rejects both those things. Hence the trauma.
Still... it's been repeatedly burned into my greymatter to the point where it has scarred. I still feel morally required TO be married & have kids but I CANNOT. I cannot be s*xual and I CANNOT be "female" especially not in THAT hideous context. It can never happen.
And then there's Infinitii. My daengel. Already "flesh of my flesh" in the same sense as Eve. The only "female" resonant being in the System besides Julie, who is arguably born of the same blackstuff. And yeah, Infi is female-resonant on an intrinsic level even if ze does not identify as such and that is OBVIOUS, I mean have you seen hir? It's built into hir very purpose, ESPECIALLY with all the trauma associations concerning shape alone, not to mention function. it's terrifying but that's why ze exists as ze does.

...

Oh, btw I added ALL the Leagueworlds to our Spotify playlist folders, even the ones that have barely any substance as of yet, and/or that might change completely. I still want to give them the chance to bloom & grow & evolve further via music, so literally everything is on there now, and open to contribution.
It feels... really touching, really heart-moving, to see all those worldnames listed.
I'm so glad I came up with the "bank" system for them, too. It's still in development of course, but the basics are down and it feels so much more connective & attentive. Plus it's another way to add color & faith to the numerical mechanics of things, you all know I love doing that for literally everything.

Speaking of the League! Today was the winter solstice, which means today I gave special loving thought to Halcyon Days, as I do every year. I didn't get to do anything for them, with everything else that happened, but I looked through their artwork and I thought about their story and I gave them so much love.
Honestly I think I need to take some time to just "get to know" ALL the Leagueworlds again, post-NC, because since then everything's been cut off from my memory due to the resultant legitimate trauma associated with our personal creativity in general.
But, silver linings, now we know what they're NOT. The horror forced us to see what was WRONG and it enabled us TO change. Just like in Job 36, go figure.


...
We're actually really hungry again? Why. Not even five hours after dinner and we're hungry. I don't get it. Bodies are so weird. We hit 1600k, how much more does the body want??? Are we getting the right macros but wrong sources?? Our nutritionist just gives us "general american diet" junk data which is frustrating. Inpatient did too. They assume everyone has the means & the stomach to just make casseroles & cook porkchops and order pizza and weird stuff like that. Can't think about that either; too much disturbance.
Well, in any case, hungry or not, the body will have to wait, because we promised Father S that we'd go to Bible Study after Mass tomorrow, so we have to be up at 7 and we won't get home to eat until probably 11pm, later if they decide to talk a lot. But we have everything but the eggs & broccoli ready, which only takes like 10 minutes. And, Father always offers food from his kitchen (yes the Bible Study is in the rectory, it's a beautiful old building) and he knows we're in recovery from an eating disorder so I am sure he'd let us eat a few grapes or something if we need it-- he's diabetic so we can rely on him having healthy food; Lord knows that disease runs in our family too so we must be careful.
Still... our headache is returning and we're already dizzy. That's not cool. I'll take our blood sugar before we go to sleep; if it really is getting too low, we'll have to pack an apple or something for the road. We don't want to pass out or crash.

But yes, I promised my boss I'd be in bed for midnight which gives me 11 minutes as of right now to get there.
That is nowhere near enough time to clean up this entry, but at least I made the effort to type even after the struggles of today-- if I didn't, it would snowball. This honest journaling is an intrinsic part of our healing and our hope.

Anniversary in 24 hours. Christmas in 48. God only knows what will happen, but if we keep holding on to faith hope & love, it will be beautiful.
God has never let us down, especially not for the holidays. So we can anchor our joy to that, no matter what.

(unrefined/ incomplete entry, first half written on phone)


Happy feast day of Saint Lucy!
I LOVE art of her btw it's beautifully macabre

5 hours of sleep x___x
actually cried myself to sleep over gender dysphoria & body dysmorphia hell last night. legit wanted to die.
had been listening to leaguetunes and accidentally clicked on one we sang back in 2010 or so. before HRT.
...surreal. didn't sound like us at all. never did, actually-- that's why we were so desperate to get on hormones. the sound of our own voice made us want to choke with rage and despair. remembering how much we loved getting sore throats and lung infections because it would drop our vocal range and make us hoarse. preferred that to the tinny sharp too-pink noise of a voice we had.
but the vibrato. the clarity of singing. even if the voice felt wrong, wrong, wrong, it had talent and did we lose that when we lost that upper range? was it worth "sacrificing" just to be a little more comfortable with hearing ourself talk at all?
...told chaos 0 about it. weeping. felt so lost. he said he had known and loved me with so many voices already, it didn't matter in that respect. i was still loved. that meant a lot. but i emphasized that the problem was self-love here. very hard to wake up in the morning when your own voice is a stranger.
...realizing the irony of my daughter's name. how we loved that name since childhood and were so joyful to give it to her. xenophon. "strange voice." how for her it's a title of honor, the word "strange" meaning something like "holy" or "heavenly." something not of this broken world. something not of this broken body.
and then me, hearing jewel sing over ten years ago and not knowing what to feel, because even then we hated our voice, we cried at how foreign it was, wished we sounded like liam mckahey or ed harcourt. deep and resonant. real.
still not there. but closer. dreaming of it. fell asleep with that ache.

briefly talking to julie this morning as we got the body ready. still struggling SO MUCH with dysphoria after last night, could barely get dressed. avoided mirror entirely. but julie is literally the only nousfoni i can talk to about it. she's the only one with the capacity to, without it utterly shattering her function. infi theoretically could, too, but infi is blatantly not humanshaped. julie is. and she's the ONLY nousfoni who looks female in such an explicit way, so only she can "understand" when we rage and sob about being stuck in one. no offense to her, of course. but we can't deny our struggle either.
btw now that she's courageously striving to reintegrate her "old" and arguably TRUE self-- roots and all-- without the corruption, her vibe is so much clearer and real. she feels like herself. it's amazing. i... after last night, re-reading ancient xangas, now ten years later it is such a blessing to have her as a friend. she means a lot to me. i know revisiting trauma in therapy-- AND the archives, inevitably, penny will have to help-- will be difficult for us both. but i know we can get through it. i trust her.

Therapy at 9
Discussed social mode roots in childhood, also religious trauma, mentioned the use of "prayer as abuse" and the "near-torture" of my grandmother's methods. using that word was harrowing. but honestly how else do i describe being forced to kneel on raw rice until my knees bled and say rosaries while being watched and threatened, at age seven or so??? genuinely disturbing. and all the while having to stare up at the picture of the last supper where jesus is looking up, up and away from my frightened pain, grandma saying "it's because he doesn't want to look at you" dude that SCARS YOU. no wonder i struggle to pray even now. spiritual warfare though, gotta fight that good fight
Explicitly mentioned gender issues, notably the medical causes, in myself and in the family. it's so important it needed to be brought up front immediately. she didn't respond to it but i hope she's okay with that being front-and-center with a LOT of the trauma. also hoping she can get us referrals for HRT? still a lot of religious terror and conflict over that, but honestly it is becoming a daily wonder again. so we'll see.
Also THIS GAL'S GOT TRAUMA TOO. She UNDERSTANDS 1000%. She legit DESCRIBED A FLASHBACK TRIGGER and we have NEVER heard ANYONE explain that EXACTLY HOW WE EXPERIENCE THEM. with the unexpected sensory databombs and the hypervigilance and the mental shutdowns. It was staggeringly validating & reassuring, to know that SHE GETS IT. Heartbreaking, absolutely, but still put down a foundation of so much trust & solidarity.
Offered EMDR, tapping, hypnosis as options.
Tried tapping first but it triggered MAJOR PANIC, especially with breathing aspect, although we DID have Kyanos show up (he's now female?? or androgynous. CHILD in any case). We told her and she said "OK, we won't use that method." THAT WAS IT. No forcing, no invalidations or coercing, NO SHAME OR GUILT. Just "if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and that's totally fine. We'll find a different method for you that won't be triggering." GOD BLESS THIS WOMAN SHE'S FANTASTIC
Office is so nice too. She REFUSES to turn on the fluorescent lights, thank God, we don't like them either. She just has up all these warm floor lamps and a CHRISTMAS TREE which is gorgeous and a rainbow "love is love" neon sign by the door. And free coffee if you want it. She's a total doll, honestly we hit the jackpot with therapy here, thank you Lord it was about time

Oh yeah for the "tapping" she first had us close our eyes and visualize a "safe place"? which everyone does in therapy and honestly it is really annoying because we've never really had one in the waking so what the heck dude, what IS "safe?"
but. we told her that the instant image we get is ALWAYS GIMMELWALD. had to be honest.
so i closed my eyes. there i was sitting on that steep hill, green grass, tiny yellow flowers. snowcapped alpine peaks all around, little quiet village below. the scent of ice and high altitude. the sound of sheep bells above. gorgeous.
and chaos 0 sitting next to me. it took me by surprise, then i thought, "oh yeah. safe space."
honestly moved my heart a lot to realize how CLEARLY i could see him. his color lighter from all the sunlight. seeing the mist around us catch in his reflection. his eyes greener than the hills. just looking out at everything, like he did on that morning we sat in the back of my car and watched the stars wheeling over the valley.
i loved him so much in that moment. quietly, but so ardently. like a thousand-year love. less of a fire, more of a mountain itself. ancient and solid and enduring love. like all the snow melting into waterfalls.

Library drive by, wanting to see if they had any movies or kid's books to casually check out. needed to just relax. but closed until noon, not waiting that long
Considered stopping at SJE & legit just sleeping in the pews by the Tabernacle then remembered, hold up IT'S TUESDAY! that means ADORATION AT OLOTE
Went straight there and did a SOLID HOLY HOUR!!
30m talk 30m prayer
flat-out said an ENTIRE ROSARY. realized how much we DO love saying it but also how INSANELY IMMERSIVE it is. like once we get started we are gone, dude. we cannot say them casually. it is an absolute trip, like reliving every mystery. exhausting but gorgeous. i'm wondering if we only CAN properly say them in a church. gonna have to get used to jogging to SJE then, haha. honestly we want to though. worth a shot soon.
Finished the hour just in time to hit EUCHARISTIC LITURGY at OLOMC
we haven't been there since before inpatient so it felt wonderful to be back.
Linda said hi, SO DID SMN!
He was worried about us! God bless him. We asked him to pray for our continued outpatient recovery and he said he absolutely would. IMO the dude is VERY HOLY so his prayers have got inevitable PUNCH.

...sang briefly on the way home. last minute dare. right before we pulled into the parking lot. i forget what song it was, even. came up on shuffle.
but... we could still sing. still the vibrato, just as bright as it was when we were younger. still not how we sound inside but closer. lower. warmer. no buzzing edge anymore. gave us some hope.

Home for 12:15. Vacuumed, jokingly made a "bet" w/ xennie-- she said she gets "five dollars" if I fall asleep at the laptop, "even for two seconds". She said to buy her more fortune cookies, tiger tea, and a single lemonade apple "for mom" (infi, the ONLY person who inexplicably can hold that title w/o dissonance)
honey that'll cost more than $5 but don't tell her, I'll buy her all that and more if she wants, gotta dote on my daughter
Made breakfast, very dissociated, but lots of nice company as always
PHLEGMONI & SCALPEL teaming up outta nowhere to give spice a heck of a time, they insisted on adding EXTRA cayenne pepper and were bonding over it, it was honestly hilarious
Mimic taking time out this morning. he's around, just gave us some space.
Got Tumblr distracted by RYOU & MARIK!!
Now eating at 2pm God bless

------------------------

...It's 10pm.
Note to selves: do NOT fast for nineteen hours with NO sleep and HIGH stress and then EAT TRIGGER FOODS.
we had a minor bingepurge.
MINOR. it was only two hours, start to finish, and we HID the big bowls so they couldn't be abused. the girls only binged on vegetables, yogurt, and sunchips as usual. but it was TERRIFYING and PAINFUL nevertheless.
and... as usual, it shut down headspace for almost two hours.
honestly we expected this. with how completely rattled we were, there was no way to easily avoid this happening. that one girl began to munch on lettuce, then panicked "we have to finish it", then someone ELSE panicked because we started to get dizzy and our ears were popping and they said "oh no we're allergic to lettuce" and just... binged in order to purge.
it wasn't much. the worst was the sunchips (they ate the whole bag AGAIN. we have marked them as "do not buy" until further notice; especially with that manic e.d. chick always trying to sneak them they're too much of a risk right now, and they don't "fit into" the mealplan as of now anyway. literal superfluous item held over from inpatient and for that sake only. not worth $4 a bag. if we can drop it then do so). and of course they found the salted caramel yogurt we bought once more to try and junked it. BUT we got data, and it IS highly triggering so that explains the compulsive destruction. that's on the "do not buy" list for good now, too, since there is validity to it.
ah. worst part.
the fire alarm went off right as they were finishing the binge. lights flashing, alarms buzzing. heard everyone evacuating outside.
instead they went into the bathroom and just threw up, thinking, and i kid you not,
"if there's a real fire they'll have to come and get me if they feel i'm worth saving. otherwise, i don't care. if i die then i die. this is no life to live anyway."
honest to god it was a suicidal thought. we haven't had one of those in months. not since grandma passed.
but... well, in light of the dyspho/dysmo agony, it wasn't surprising. just... heartbreaking, to hear expressed by someone who could get that low and unfortunately sincere.

as usual there's no memory of it till the purge process ending because they start praying hysterically and then i usually have to clean everything up. xenophon showed up when that happened and was tearful too (i was miserable) and thank God she helped me stabilize, asking me if i was okay, telling me it was going to be okay, refusing to leave me alone or berate anyone. she saw the pain. she knows this is a war. she just hates seeing anyone-- everyone-- suffer from it.
so we got the floors cleaned and the trash taken out and the dishes done. i changed our clothes and downed an entire powerade (told you it was smart to buy emergency ones; gotta have that contingency crisis plan).
then we sat down to eat dinner.
seriously. no way were we skipping the opportunity to recover from this disaster IMMEDIATELY after. plus the body was shaking (blood sugar was a solid 80 which means it was going to keep dropping fast if we didn't eat; it always does) and we had just lost our breakfast anyway.
so we had dinner. broccoli, apple, half a carrot, cottage cheese, english muffin w/ a wiggly egg, three fortune cookies (xennie insisted), infi's vanilla comoro tea, AND the lingonberry skyr.
so yeah. of course laurie called mimic over.
he sardonically commented on the disordered behavior. i said yeah, we wish it would just stop but days like this were bound to happen. i apologized and said he didn't sign up for this-- he said he didn't sign up at all, i/jewel just kind of pulled him into headspace-- and that he was entirely free to leave if he wanted.
"i said i'm sticking around."
he keeps emphasizing that. always "waving off" the honest gravity of it-- saying he's "getting something out of this" or it's "better than running for my life" or the like. less brash than he was even three days ago. admitting that it's interesting, that he likes laurie's attitude, that he respects the bravery he sees. "credit where it's due," but in a slowly more self-revelatory way. getting more honest, less defensive.

good news is he likes the skyr, haha. he's got different preferences from me apparently. that's cool, i always like that variety in the system. i had asked him, to which he smirked and asked "do you?" calling me out. i hesitantly admitted it wasn't my thing, then tried to say "but i can change that" but he said nope, no flaking out. he kept ribbing me about it because i was trying to like it for his sake but couldn't force that (i used to! all the time! for every random person!) and he kept goading me to be honest, because if i'm gonna hold him to that standard i had better live up to it myself. not in those words but same intent. laurie is more direct; mimic likes to provoke. but it helps, actually, that indigo edge of his.
laurie used to be like that before she hard-shifted purple. we wonder if she's going to move back to violet. time will tell. so will the spectrumind, inevitably. if her function CAN and SHOULD shift, it will. but that can't be forced either, just like i can't honestly or safely override or reject a vibe dissonance.
still. amusingly ironic how the shapeshifter is telling the polymorph to stop trying to be someone else. hits different that way. more weight behind it.

...
outspacers are so weird. i love them but they're bizarre. their arrival and integration is vastly different from nousfoni. they come here via Links, and those cannot be forced or even chosen most times-- they just catch, jewel's old puppet-strings, and before you know it there's a new face. but there's always a "heart-pull" when that string is able to connect. without it, you know they won't be able to stick around, or even step in.
we always "meet them" in heartspace in one way or another. that's "first contact." either in jewel's imagination, or our dreams. after that, they can show up in headspace, although that's not something that ever happened in the old days due to headspace not being a solid thing until like 2009.
but... outspacers get this week-or-so "grace period" of adjustment and introduction, on average, and then they either decide to leave or they decide to stick around. as mimic apparently has.
that's when stuff gets interesting. if they commit, it's all or nothing in the end. outspacers ultimately have to decide that they want to be part of the spectrum, if they really want to stay, and in doing so... well. they have to "move in."
you can't be a legit outspacer and live outside the system. you've gotta cut that thread to keep this one.
every true outspacer has a new life, new roots, even a new name, in a leagueworld. not even "and the system." if you're an outspacer talking to nousfoni you are STILL not native, you need your anchor elsewhere because you're not the same species and without that anchor you will end up "channeling" the spectrumind and you will lose yourself. it happens. it freaks everyone out, even nousfoni who are unstable. get too close to unformed blackspace, even conceptually, and you start to deform yourself. it's lethal. even to infi. no one is meant to be so blurry in self that they lose their self. hence the vital importance and emphasis on "solid anchors" and "functions" and clear colors. without that... you get reabsorbed into the rainbow, worst case scenario. sometimes it's inevitable. sometimes someone breaks their function so hard that they have to be recycled and reborn. sometimes someone dies and that's just what happens after. same with being "killed"-- laurie has told mimic that "death is different up here" because it's such a spiritual realm; especially with cores, being "killed" or "dying" just forces a "reset" and if you're still MEANT to be alive, you WILL "come back." sometimes instantly. like with my fights with laurie, and her infamous "beheading" technique to "soft-reset" any splintering core. it works. that's just mechanics up here.
but yeah. outspacers. if mimic wants to stay, well, he needs to leave the canon. and find a new one to settle into.
we told him this up front. galadia hasn't done it either, not yet. phlegmoni has. you can feel the difference in him, compared to both how he was in the beginning and to how the newbies are now. it's surreal, now that i know why that is.
but that's what the "grace period" is about. it's a hyperfocus on that outspacer's native world and canon history, to integrate them as fully as possible, and as genuinely as possible, so that when the links snip off the threads, they still know who they are, and can build a new life from that.
that's... really the whole thing with outspacers. it's part of the jewelcore's core function i think, if i may word it as such. to "love the loveless." to seek out those who need a new dream, and give them one. to say, "listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door, let's go." (one of our most beloved poems since childhood btw) and to offer a hand.
honestly though it's rarely so direct. jewel always has "feelers out," amusingly so with our bizarre but undeniable insect affection. every "mediaworld" she is able to step into-- and that criterion is solely her heart; we never entirely know what will resonate with it until it does) --she does, and forms a "Link." a sole puppetstring. a dreamthread. the cable to climb that cliff. and once she's plugged in, well. then who knows what will happen? her imagination is a powerful thing. but so are dreams. those are my territory, as the apprentice. but i'm still at their mercy. if someone shows up... then they show up.
i'm too tired to think straight, haha. what am i trying to get to. what ultimate point.
oh yeah. mimic.
i was trying to write about this the other day. he remembers the dream. but it's like in stein's gate. "that's not fair," and how that line cut to my heart. a dream of some other life, some other potential future, that someone else has actively lived but you haven't. at least, not in this life. and yet... it already happened. that's what it's like, with mimic. what a bizarre way to become an outspacer. i think that's a first, too.
he's really confused over it. frustrated at the lack of linear-spatial sense. but he's at least not denying it happened, if only in its own space. he's not talking about it, but not pushing it away. that's notable.

someone brought up *incidents*. i think with the "nobody stays dead if they're not meant to die yet" topic.
floored me when i realized it took markus (marik) almost ten years to have his third one. and i STILL remember that morning so vividly even now. legit a milestone day in our life. since then he's felt different. brighter. stronger. but also no longer "trying to be invincible." a strange balance. the daengels helped, too, later on. still not sure what the heck is going on with the yami phenomenon outside of the tar/plague. wondering if they'll choose to keep that in their leagueworld, or enjoy the freedom from it. that's up to them.

we were gonna have a headspace movie night because tubi randomly notified me that "a penitent man" is leaving on thursday! and we decided, well why the heck not watch it? isn't that the whole theme of our life lately?
so. not tonight because this update was important. and we need sleep. but tomorrow. i owe genesis a date night anyway, haha.
we've already invited mimic and phlegmoni and galadia because they're all new outspacers and have not experienced a "movie night" before. neither has scalpel! geez that's a shock. i freakin love him, i'm so glad he insists on sticking around. legit the FIRST red nousfoni that HASN'T totally died due to core interference, because actually he anchored into BLOOD. legit solidified the subhue and fixed the problem, haha. razor was already there but everyone knows she was always half black in hue. so was laurie, for a while. bizarre how headspace worked in the early days; so many people backpacked achromes.
thinking of giving achromatic spectrum hues different names btw to avoid racial confusion. we don't have ethnicity up here; nousfoni aren't human and our "ethnicities" are weird, to say the least. i'm trying to catalogue them on the other laptop. there are definite patterns, but we're like pokemon. laurie and wreckage and sugar are ALL nousfoni but they're different "subspecies." gotta look into biology terms for this. maybe make our own, heck yeah. gotta really enrich our innerworld jargon like we used to. it's beautiful. honestly thanks be to God for this, for us. all of us.

but dinner went by without any trouble. xenophon shared it with me.
three fortunes were:
"adventure is not outside, it is within"
"be a generous friend and a fair enemy"
"be most affectionate today."
i laughed and immediately showed them to mimic, half teasing, dude this is way too relevant to our situation with you.

cleaned up the kitchen, got everything out for tomorrow morning, then was SO bloody tired i just dragged the chair over in front of the altar, sat down, and started reading the church bulletins. needed to read 'em anyway.
mimic showed up ghosting (HOW. he didn't even have to LEARN. is that being immediately "uploaded" into outspacers now???) and sat by the chair. asking me what i was reading, etc.
he's weirdly friendly, actually. not like genesis, or xenophon-- he's not "outgoing" or extroverted. not even like laurie, who is all steel edges but still shockingly warm and conversational. he's got that same level demeanor as he did in the dream, but it's not flat or morose-- he's got a sense of humor which STILL catches me off guard, and a tendency to talk a lot. he's not reclusive or standoffish at all. he's observant and interested, even if he instinctively tries to play it cool and pretend he "just overheard" or the like. i think the only reason why he's still kind of uncharacteristically reserved is because he's grappling with this new and weird environment. he's not sure who or what is a threat yet. he's watching, getting a grip on it. but he's warming up fast, especially with laurie constantly involving him in conversation, reassuring him, and all but flaunting her role as the main protector of the entire system. no one gets through her. so don't worry about "surviving" up here; we all look out for each other, we're all genuinely invested in each other's welfare, and if anyone tries to pick on the octopus they will have an axe buried in their skull within three milliseconds. but even moreso, she's proving to mimic that the most powerful people can still be kind and even vulnerable. laurie does not deny when she messes up, or is struggling, like she used to. she told him that, too. her walls were different than his, but they're still walls. still armor around the heart. laurie has friends and it doesn't make her weak at all; she emphasizes that she's willing to live and die for them, and if need be she will kill for them too (thinking of this anthem of hers with an ache in my heart), at least in the innerworld. but she is setting an amazing example. and i can tell it's affecting him. he's never had proof that his fear-based (because they are) assumptions weren't objectively true, not so firsthand, not with people who are including him IN that circle of friends. we do bring up the diamond cutters, carefully. that's when he puts the walls up. so we don't push it. it's a touchy subject.
still. it's important to honor that part of his past. even if he doesn't seem too keen on getting close to people, i can empathize, and i wonder how much of that is fueled by survival instinct. versus how much is actual personal disposition. and how much conflict there is. i know for me, i conceptually want to be closer to people but i get overwhelmed and often shove people away. but then, like mimic, i monologue. i still talk as if to an audience. it's ironic. he's a shapeshifter and he has to know people in order to wear their mask, so to speak. as a core i get something similar with prismatic resonance-- i need to know other colors to properly do my job, too. he and i both have to "get close" to people in theory... but it's "ehhh" in person. even if deep down maybe we'd like to try. not sure what's in the way. fear of death, probably. even in concept. how ironic, for someone with a skull painted over their face and someone whose best friend is arguably the grim reaper. both of us covered in scars. both of us carrying blades. why.
tired of us both seeing friendship as a liability. as a weakness. as "not being able to make it on your own" and loathing yourself for that inadequacy. as a crutch that enables that very flaw. all of it false. but all of those false beliefs still anchored too bloody hard.
tired of wearing masks just to get by. how long can you pretend to be other people before you lose the concept of "other people?" is that why we're both so paradoxically isolated? the empathy issues? i don't want to be like this. at all. i don't want anyone else to be, either.
i hope we can both work through this.
that's the one thing about outspacers that i've come to terms with lately (it was very hard) that is actually very consoling. they aren't bound to their canon anymore. yes, it IS their history, and it will ALWAYS be at their heart, BUT as for their future, change is possible and allowed. they can grow as people in ways that would be IMPOSSIBLE in their native universes, especially since now they're in headspace which is INHERENTLY interconnective, and heartspace even moreso. they're going to be affected by us, and us by them. they're going to have unique experiences that will have visible impacts on who they become. and, of course, if you're in OUR space, you're going to fit the vibe. villains inevitably drop the dark cloak, as it were. and up here, that's expected. it's a good thing. it's how we work. and because the "worldline" differs here than their canon, it's legitimate within this new set of circumstances. the air is different here-- colors are brighter. everyone here can, and will, change for the better, if they cooperate with that.

so i was sitting on the couch and mimic is just chillin' and being oddly silent and i just picked up the "voice of the martyrs" mag for december and decided to read it entirely. emphasizing the "martyr" concept. telling him, "this is what it's really about." the courage. the absolute victorious faith. the persistent hope despite all odds. the incredible charity in the face of violent evil. the whole time i'm spontaneously elaborating on how love is stronger than death and more powerful than anything and these testimonies were proof, literally these people are being threatened with murder and torture on a daily basis because they believe in a God of compassion and forgiveness and mercy, and to their credit and His glory they refuse to stand down or compromise it. they set their faces like flint against machetes and bombs and rifles. and there's no bitterness in it. it's unreal. it's gorgeous. it's heartbreaking and jubilant all at once. the absolute strength of divine meekness, seen only as "weakness" in the eyes of the world, and yet unconquerable by it. ended up "paraphrasing" the entire prodigal son story in my manner of speech. focusing on the forgiveness, and the magnitude of what was forgiven.
i'm very open with mimic, about my past. about how much of a bastard i have been, and still am some days. about my history of thievery, and compulsive lying, and addiction, and prostitution, and manipulation, and using people for my own advantage. about my proclivities to violent rage and crocodile tears. about my own cowardly "tough guy" facade and my fear of being helpless, inept, powerless, unskilled. about how deep down i feel as spineless as an octopus so i've learned to carry knives and speak them too. too much in common. sick of living this way. wanting so badly to be honorable and honest and courageous and compassionate, but some days i just chicken out like an idiot because of what it might cost me. kneejerk gutlessness. pain in the ass.
but both of us just kind of... thinking about it all. in that weird interim between here and there. wanting to scoff at it all and just weasel our way through life. but so, so tired of the ice in our blood. exhausted. getting hints of something better, brighter, even beautiful, here in headspace. terrified of it. terrified of opening up and actually feeling things and letting our guard down. letting other people help us instead of doing it all alone. i'm learning, it's inevitable as part of a system, but... it's still new.
even with mimic. part of me pissed off at "having someone else to have to care about" and wanting to kick him out solely because "i'm tired of thinking about other people." selfish garbage. not how i really feel. but a reaction i cannot deny. remembering what they said on bumblekast. "i don't want to say he's asexual, he just doesn't seem interested in interpersonal connections." well geez dude the two aren't mutually inclusive, but where do you draw the line on that second one? look at me and the blue guy, then look at how some days i just don't want to look at anyone. how much of it is mental illness? how much of it is trauma? how much of it is being so preoccupied with your own survival that you can't imagine prioritizing someone else?
and yet. and yet we're talking in the living room for an hour. no stress somehow. not a "conversation." but still caring.
it's so odd, this whole thing. but i'm... i'm learning so much about myself too. growing so much. i think that's why he was allowed to become an outspacer. that potential, for both of us. god works in mysterious ways


okay exhausted dead. 1130pm. good lord i was supposed to sleep. no idea what i've written. but hey it's written and i didn't slack off on this responsibility. learning to be accountable! yeah!

dietician cancelled for tomorrow and rescheduled for monday. other one is on friday. nothing on schedule for tomorrow unless we want to go to church. other than that we're chillin'. have to. body is wrecked.

i want to spend time with chaos 0. just him. his canon cousin has been taking all my attention lately and although that is vital, and kind of mandatory for me as a core dealing with an outspacer, i still need to take time out for us. it's essential to my heart. to my spiritual survival entirely.
we've been wanting to do a spotify night for a while but schedule hasn't allowed it. tomorrow is absolutely movie night though, maybe by 9pm so we can actually legit sleep after.
still. if mimic is bringing out the worst in me in order for it to be corrected, i need to spend time with someone who brings out the best in me, in order that i admit that it exists, too.

gotta sleep. burnt to a crisp with all this stress and thinking. overwhelmed.
one day at a time. take it slow. whatever happens happens.
focus on why you're doing this. because you care. because you have hope. because deep down you chose to love someone who legit drives you up the walls with their attitude. because you need someone to love you when you act the same way. otherwise, what hope is there for something better? brighter? even beautiful?

i keep thinking of the way he looked out at the snow on sunday. that first moment when he actually did let his guard down. never gonna forget that.

it's worth fighting for, really.

(unfinished entry; posting openly regardless for honesty's sake)


Woke up around 10:15

RAN to doctors office for 11AM.
At one point, two Latino guys crossed the street towards me and I NEARLY BLACKED OUT FROM TERROR. That is EXACTLY what happened that morning I was punched out and mugged in NC. I felt horrible immediately running across the road away from them, but please it wasn't personal it was a survival response and I hated myself for it. Still, I was shaking. Every car that drove past me, I literally expected it to slow down and stop and for someone to grab me and pull me into it, or for someone to start making lascivious remarks, or something similarly terrorizing. The entire jog over was panicstricken. I felt SO unsafe and targeted and in danger.
This is no way to live. I'm practically agoraphobic at this point. The sight of a crowd makes me want to throw up from fear. If people get too close there's a coin's toss chance of my either becoming the "pretty and proper doll" or the rabid animal that will rip your arm off if you get too close. I hate living this way. Trauma has ruined me and I don't want to be like this. It's not me but I can't turn it off.

Didn't get home until 230PM.
We were smart and had everything out ready to prep so it didn't take long to make breakfast.
Sat down at 3pm. Had to push almost 1000K because it was so late; if we ate less now, we'd be hungry enough later to possibly binge, and we wanted to prevent that at all costs.
Basically we just doubled the broccoli and olive oil, added another half an apple and some sun chips. Simple really. As I said before, we've got a set mealplan now so there's no prep or planning stress anymore, unless we obsess over macros. The System is helping with that; just because we love even numbers and ratios doesn't mean that if we have 49/29/22 instead of 50/30/20 we've "failed" and it's "wrong". That obsessiveness is one of our biggest dangers, so we're being very wary of it. Again, communication is key-- which means TALKING, not "shutting people down." When an ED Nousfoni is resorting to "behaviors" you TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT. You ask them what's up, what are you feeling, what do you want to do, what would help, etc. NO "stop that" or "that's bad" or "you're being stupid" or anything our family might realistically say. No. We treat them as the friend and family they are and we HELP THEM.
...Laurie's new "mercy" attribute is actually helping a LOT more than anyone expected. She's been telling Spice "let 'em have an extra chip" when that one girl asks for them. And... today the girl said "NO THANK YOU." Like, when she was able to have what she wanted when she "craved" it at first, she LEARNED to not "need" it??? She admitted today that yeah, she always enjoys them, BUT she doesn't want to "keep eating them" just because of that. She said she would "rather wait until later" to make it "special" and to eat with everybody else, not at random from a drawer, by herself, feeling rejected and alienated. We're including and acknowledging these kids, which NO ONE OUTSIDE EVER DID, and it is MOVING MOUNTAINS in their recovery. Thank God. This is wonderful. There's so much love in here.

We just... need to do that for the other damaged Nousfoni in the System. The other half of the abuse.


...On that note.
Massive trigger warning for outright trauma talk coming up here.

...After breakfast, we made the mistake of going on Tumblr for a few minutes to distract ourselves from our body going "oh thank God we're finally eating" and not 'registering' that we're done for now (it usually takes about an hour; we can deal with that). We were just scrolling down our dashboard, but... we forgot that some of the folks we follow can post some very triggering things.

I swear I am about three seconds away from burning that website to the ground.
Really, I'm about a millisecond away from burning EVERYTHING of our pervading society to the ground.

I'm so sick of "pop culture" and "memes" and "the in-crowd" and "current fashions" and "modern thinking" and "new age" garbage. I am so bloody tired and furious over "liberalism" and "progressivism" and "humanism" and all that garbage. I hate what our governments are doing. I hate the hellscape they are turning this planet into. I hate how the "powers that be" are trivializing and abusing and objectifying and desecrating human life and worth and purpose. And SO MUCH OF THAT seems to be hyperdensified on the bloody internet.
Cyberspace is where the ugliest, most vicious, most demonic thoughts and ideas fester and propagate and infect countless minds. The most inhumane and immoral concepts seem to seed themselves there. Humanity dehumanizes itself online, even moreso than offline in my opinion, because online they strip themselves of a concrete identity and can exist as an anonymous point of corruption. There are entire websites where people salaciously share their most degenerate ideas without shame or even accountability. It's nauseating. I want to take a bloody hacksaw to it.

What set me off, you ask. An absolutely repulsive post about planned parenthood is what.
I apologize for all the vulgar intensifiers but I am FURIOUS and I have no other readily available way to translate that in an immediate candid manner, other than crushing this keyboard with my teeth.
Anyway. Apparently they have this "chatbot" on their website which is meant to """educate""" visitors on... topics that should NOT be discussed so lackadaisically. I always use the term "blasphemously" for this sort of talk because dammit it IS, when you get down to it.
You know what, let's just be blunt. No stupid "euphemisms" or "friendly talk" about things that should NOT be treated so insouciantly.
First off. The bot says it's "here to answer your questions about bodies, sex, and relationships." Pardon my french but KINDLY SHOVE THE HECK OFF. I loathe when people use the term "bodies" in that cursory way. It feels so coarse and degrading. And I REALLY HATE when "sex" is treated like a CONVERSATION TOPIC. I'm this close to spitting bullets, ESPECIALLY since the whole gross trio concludes with "relationships." IN THAT SAME CONTEXT. It's a subtle injection of sexuality INTO that word's definition IN GENERAL.

This corrupt chatbot is turning children into ADDICTS is what it is.
It's the same reason kids develop eating disorders and drug habits. People find out something that the human body can do and then abuse it to death.

Yeah, I said children. THAT'S what has me so enraged. The bot asks for your age, but BEFORE that it says, "don't worry... it won't take long. I can wait." And the demonic emoji winks at you.
I swear I was about to punch my computer screen. It felt LECHEROUS. Listen I have been through childhood sexual trauma and my traumabrain IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES THOSE DANGER SIGNS and THAT WAS ONE OF THEM.
"Don't worry" my ass. "It won't take long" has me wanting to eviscerate someone on the spot; that is the HALLMARK of sxabuse. "I can wait, WINK," don't say that to me unless you want your tongue ripped out and shoved down your bloody throat. No you CAN'T wait, you're so freaking hellbent on getting what you want that the "waiting" is just another means of torturing your victim. They can't escape, and they can't fake enthusiasm anymore, so as they drag themselves through the dread, screaming internally, to puppet-dance the way you want, you can absolutely "wait" with that simpering smile on your face, emptily reassuring them "don't worry! it's okay! it won't take long! it won't hurt! it's okay! it's normal! this is a good thing! it'll be fun! you'll enjoy it!" etc etc etc straight to hell.
Sorry. Kind of horrorventing here. It can't be prevented if I refuse to censor this pain.
But yeah. THEN you can enter your alleged ethnicity, gender, and age. The first is straightforward; the second is fairly tame too-- it allows for binary, nonbinary, trans, intersex, questioning, fluid, & "cis." I won't get into that topic now because yes I am Catholic and I do believe that the binary is legit for spiritual reasons BUT I also know that intersex is a real thing, AND that the chemicals I had pumped into me as a baby gave me medically induced dysphoria, so gender confusion is the "story of my life" and I cannot judge others for feeling the same, even if my more "tradcath" brethren tend to sweep the table clear of all of their concerns without a thought.
My problem here is with the age options.
IT STARTS AT "TWELVE AND UNDER."
I am going to frickin GUT SOMEBODY.

Here I am, "roleplaying" myself as a terrified tween, and when I ask "does it hurt" and "is it normal to bleed" they're like "yeah it can happen but sex can also be fun" YOU'RE THE DEVIL. STOP ACTING LIKE IT'S OKAY FOR A LITERAL TWELVE YEAR OLD TO BE ASKING ABOUT THIS.
...I'm just thankful that there is a page on "consent" there, under the "relationships" tab. The bot says: "Consent means that whether you’re kissing, holding hands, or having sex, both people are really, truly into what’s going on, and no one is being guilted or pressured into anything."
...THAT is something I wish someone told me as a kid, that bit about guilt. I was always told push through it, this is what you SHOULD do, etc. I just wish they used the word fear, too. Not just "pressure." Sometimes the other person seems "fine" but you're absolutely terrified and you don't want this but... they're not being mean, they're doing things that are supposed to be nice and kind, right? so shouldn't i just do what they want? 

Another good point:
"When a relationship is healthy, you feel good about yourselves and each other most of the time. You both feel like you have respect, kindness, trust, honesty, equality, and good communication. And you also give each other space to have your own lives outside the relationship."
...That's not something I've ever had in the waking world, sadly. I don't want to go in-depth now but it is deeply depressing.
You know, what the heck. No running away. In-depth it is.
"Respect" was always shallow and fleeting, and it refused to "learn too much." They'd claim to give it, but it was just a word. It was more like temporary tolerance UNTIL you changed to become something they were more comfortable with. "I respect you," they would say, but they wouldn't follow through. This one is hard to put words to. I guess it's how Jade feels, too. People claim "respect" and then blatantly act in contrast to it, especially in subtle ways-- with her, it's the constant deadnaming and mispronouning, the casual invalidations of their spiritual beliefs and identity, EVEN from people who say "I respect you; you can identify as and believe whatever you want!" They forget to add the key part: "...and I will treat that identity and belief WITH respect." That part is conspicuously missing. Even from me, in the past, I have to confess. I didn't understand this virtue well myself, and honestly STILL don't, what with the Catholic aspect of it. "You CANNOT respect heretics," I'm told. "You SHOULD invalidate and denounce them. God's Law is more important than someone else's delusions." Well, yes, intellectually so. But... if I know that telling someone "your feelings and beliefs are false, but mine are not" is going to send them into a suicidal breakdown, I'm NOT going to say it, even "indirectly" through behavior and language. Except... I have been doing that. It's because I don't respect MYSELF, either. I've never been respected for who I am and what I believe, so... I can't properly show it to myself, OR to others, as a result. I'm genuinely struggling with this. I'm glad I'm writing that down. It's something I MUST work with, intrapersonally and interpersonally.
"Kindness"... same thing. Too much disingenuous behavior there. I try to think of examples of "kindness" and outside of parental care, I... can't find much. What do I define as "kindness," personally, I must ask. It means... acting and speaking in ways that do not harm, that actively work towards a benevolent end for someone, that is gentle and considerate and compassionate. Kindness. Treat others with friendship and care. Be personally invested in their well-being. It's a monolith virtue, really, a close sister to Love itself. And... like I've been hinting at in my recent Scripture studies, I haven't always been kind. I WANT to be, and I do try to be, but... I fail, a lot. I'm usually too scared to do what is "kind," because "I'm afraid of the cost and consequences to myself." WHY. WHAT MADE ME SUCH A COWARD. Is it the stupid trauma? That my "fear of others" has become so pervasive as to undermine kindness? That I hesitate to offer a helping hand because it might get stabbed or bitten? Or because they might grab it and pull me to the ground and use me all the more "now that I've given them unspoken permission?" Why do I see "kindness" acted upon as a "doorway to abuse?" My mom tells me this ALL THE TIME. "You need to be harsh and mean towards people," she says, "or they'll treat you like garbage. You need to learn how to shout back, and fight back, and when they push you then you push back harder." et cetera. I don't want to be like that. Good God is this why I feel so achingly drawn to Mimic??? "Friendship is a weakness" and all that? Yeah I have to be brutally honest and admit that DEFINITELY has its fangs in me somewhere. I do avoid making friends, even though I desperately want to, because... all my past friendships have damaged me. They've "put my life on the line" and I always ended up feeling like a trapped animal, even when I did love and care for the other person. Somehow, in the end, the "friendship" always had a huge price tag attached. My Christian instinct tells me, "all the better! Love is most virtuous when it is unrequited and even rejected! You can only be TRULY kind if you are choosing to be kind to someone who treats you like trash!" "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." I adore that line but it haunts me, too. I WANT to be a kind person. And yes I want Mimic to learn how to be kind, too, but I've gotta admit half of that is definitely a mutual-problem projection. I see how he brazenly throws people under the bus to save his own tentacles but I have done that in less obvious ways, too. I cannot tell you how many times I've woken up, shaken, from dreams in which some catastrophe is occurring and I don't run back in to save anyone. I get myself out of there and THEN I realize, "oh no, I didn't save anyone else." My instinct was to get my own worthless self out of there, and if everyone else died... well. I wake up in a cold sweat and hating myself. But I refuse to surrender to despair. I refuse to define myself by those base impulses. If that IS what my subconscious is geared to do, then God help me I had BETTER WORK TO CHANGE THAT. I can't give in to the darkness that I KNOW is lurking in me. I WON'T. I am DETERMINED to be a kind person. I just... most days, I get so scared that it's not possible. I fear I'm too evil TO be kind. But dammit I still try. I still stop and listen to my neighbors talk even when I'm almost grinding my teeth with impatience; I stop and make the effort to genuinely listen and comment and care, because I DO care, I just don't like talking. And that selfish bit likes to overpower any sincerity. Same with the Christmas cards I keep getting. I could easily chuck 'em in the bin and say "I don't know these people" OR I could go the "religious spite" route and say "these are all secular cards, I'll send them all explicitly religious ones in return", OR I could grumble and protest "I can't afford to send so many cards," OR I could do what I'm REALLY tempted to do, which is to say "if I send them a card back, that's opening the door to ANOTHER controlling "relationship" and I am so tired of feeling obligated to entertain and chat with everyone; if I just snub them all maybe they'll leave me alone and I'll have peace." But deep down I'd be miserable, because I STILL LOVE PEOPLE and I DO want to give them all Christmas cards but I'd love to do so anonymously. Except if they asked I couldn't lie. And I AM overwhelmed by the effort. But dammit LOVE IS EFFORT, and it's a CHOSEN EFFORT, so unless I REALLY want to be a hypocrite I had better buy some cards and do this. I want to, in my heart of hearts. My TRUE "instinct" is to not only send cards, but gifts and flowers and the whole shebang. My deepest urge is to lavish love on everyone, like I did in high school, when I first had a job and didn't understand the concept of "savings" and all that. It was just, "oh cool I have cash, I'll buy myself something and then I'll buy SO MANY GIFTS." I made it a point of honor to spend at LEAST $100 PER PERSON on EVERY HOLIDAY. And back then my ONLY complaint was that I didn't have enough money. NOT gripingly-- more like, "if I DID have more cash I could get stuff for MORE people!" I didn't care about the cash. I just wanted to dote. My only regret in hindsight is that, due to my upbringing, I had "gifts" as a "love language" forced upon me. It's what my immediate social circle demanded. Touch was considered whorish and filthy, Words were considered empty and easily forgotten or skewed-- AND I couldn't give them casually; you know me and words-- Time was something I didn't have in order to give, and Acts were fused with gifts, really. I lived that "act" bit; it was my default. It subtly still is. If I see a "good deed" I can do, I'll do it, especially anonymously. But I'm rambling. I WANT to be kinder. Just... I struggle. And I struggle with naming examples of it shown to me, at first. The only ones I have feel so hollow it actually hurts. Like, "I got Christmas cards from the neighbors!" but they were given to everyone, just a generic "happy holidays hope it's fun" with a signature, and I've never met them in person. Is that the criteria for kindness? If I set the bar that low for defining this virtue, will I slack off as well? And will I ever admit my need of kindness in my life, if I just settle for the most robotic expression? Again, Christian-brain says "yes! You shouldn't seek kindness to be given to you! You should be happy with being treated like dirt! Your feelings don't matter. What matters is BEING kind. If others are kind to you, remember they don't owe it to you, and for all you've done you don't deserve it either. It's not a reward or a recompense. Be grateful for it, but don't cling to it." And although that is sound advice I'm starving for some actual sweetness here, I might sound like a whore but I want someone to WANT to be kind to me, even "just because." Honestly that's one of the things I was thinking about with Mimic, earlier. "Virtue is only virtue in extremis" again. Love is a CHOICE, and it's PURE that way. It DOESN'T use words like "deserve" and "owe" and "should." If it did, then it would exclude and judge others. But no. Love, and kindness, and all virtue, DECIDES to just do good for others because they exist. Simple as that. "Why me," and I say "why not you," and when they list all the reasons why they "don't deserve to be cared for" it just... honestly it should just go over my head. Love doesn't care about that. It doesn't justify things, no, it wants you to do better and heal and move forwards, BUT it also doesn't deem you "unlovable" because of them. That's the fragile dance. To truly be kind, to truly love, you MUST see and love and care for the WHOLE ENTIRE REAL PERSON, without labeling them, AND without "leaving them in the dirt" either. I want what's best for them, honestly best, what will bring genuine joy and purpose to their life, what will not hurt their soul. That's shown through kindness... through mercy. God shows me that all the time. I haven't gotten it much from people. But I need to make a list, and NOT one that says stuff like "they didn't throw me on the streets when I was being a bitch" and "they still fed me even if I was an ungrateful pig" and "they didn't insult me when I shared my personality" BECAUSE it doesn't mean "they went out of their way to make me feel safe" or "they were respectful and considerate when I displayed negative symptoms" or "they talked to me about what I valued with a genuine interest." I don't have things like that to list. And that's where kindness is really shown. It's heartfelt.
"Trust". That one hurts. I always "trusted" BUT it also always occurred IN OPPOSITION. I would be scared to death BUT I would still choose to "trust" because "that's what good people do," and "they're not a bad person!" But... I don't think anyone ever trusted me, in contrast. Ever. I didn't deserve it, though. I admit that. It still hurts to realize. I have longtime issues with compulsive lying, and half-truths, and sometimes not even knowing what's real or not due to dissociation or derealization. Not only that, but my "people-pleasing" programming often "makes" me knee-jerk agree or offer to do things that I'm NOT CAPABLE OF DOING, or even willing to do in the first place. And it happens SO AUTOMATICALLY that the only escape I have is... making myself a liar. I'll say "yeah I'll do that" or "yes I like that" or "yes that's okay" or "no there's no problem" etc. and it's completely false BUT I say it so reflexively. And then I'm pinned like a butterfly to a board. Doomed, unless I bail and run. It happens far too often, and then people call me "two-faced" and a "manipulator" and all sorts of just accusations but I honestly don't know what else to do. I am COMPLETELY untrustworthy in bodyspace, and probably have been since my youth. I grew up in a family that legit taught me to lie and even ENCOURAGED it in many situations. My mother STILL TELLS ME OUTRIGHT to "lie" to get out of trouble, or avoid an undesired outcome, or to "make things easier" or the like. She doesn't see it as lying if "the ends justify the means," I guess. But then you can't be trusted, if you do things like that. And I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE TRUSTED. If I had to make a list of my emotional needs that would be one of the first three, hands-down. Again... this is something Chaos 0 & I talk about very often and we bond over it a lot, too. But... maybe even more than him, I know what it's like to be constantly suspected, to be assumed guilty without trial, to be seen as inherently deceptive and shady... to be known as a backstabber, a double-crosser, a traitor. God knows I have literally heard those words more often than I want to count, let alone admit. And I deserve it. But just like kindness, God I WANT to be trustworthy, so badly it's killing me. I WANT to be reliable, and honorable, and loyal and true and faithful. I want my word to mean something, that when I give it, it can be depended on. I want to be staunch and stalwart and steadfast, like a rock-- like a precious stone, isn't that ironic.
"Honesty." This ties into "trust," and as a result it's probably what I've had the least of in my life. You can't trust someone if they're not honest. But... again, it's what I've lived with, and learned. My family always wore masks, hid things, told baldfaced lies. My "relationships" were hallmarked by people admitting to personae and playing roles. I never knew who people actually were. I never knew what they actually felt or thought or wanted or intended. I never knew how to be myself, either, with that atmosphere. So I wasn't honest, either, out of fear and self-distrust. What a stupid irony. All I wanted was for people to be honest, but... when I tried to be honest myself, I got punished, or called a liar anyway.
"Equality." Not even sure how to define that. With my family, it's prominently lacking-- I've told therapists before how I was always treated shockingly differently from my siblings because I was born with different chromosomes.
"Good communication." Another absolute F on my report card here.
"Space to have your own lives." ...This one was the killing bullet in all my "relationships." I was always caught in situations where I was bound to "exist FOR the relationship ONLY."

...The only healthy relationships I've ever had are in headspace, and even those have so many rough spots because I fail to live up to my part.

(continue)
...


Sorry for rambling. Let's get back on the main topic so I can be done with this.
Next is ABOUT THAT "CONSENT" THING. Notice what they grouped together? "Sex" and "kissing" and "hand holding." Three COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS that can overlap but SHOULD NOT BE GROUPED BY DEFAULT. EVER.
That's the disgusting slippery slope mentality that has turned my life into a living hell SINCE childhood. It infects EVERYTHING. How in the world are you supposed to have a NONSEXUALIZED RELATIONSHIP if people keep subtly associating innocent acts of affection and closeness with literal intercourse??? Like if you have one, you're GOING to have the other. It's one of the most devilish things that ever happened to me, internalizing that after hearing it ad nauseam.
...

I'm just so disturbed by this entire bank of info they offer because it's split between two opposing things. On one hand, they're legit giving some good information. They're fairly informative about how to get help after abuse & what pregnancy is & why consent is important, BUT they're also speaking FROM A BASEPOINT of "it's ALSO okay to masturbate and have abortions and treat sex like a toy!" NO IT'S NOT. And that corrupted foundation wrecks the whole entire thing.
There's a sentence in their info pages that basically says "pregnancy can result from sex." WHAT THE HECK, WHAT DO YOU THINK SEX IS FOR??? But here it is: on another page "People define 'sex' in different ways!" MORE TRAUMA LIES.
Honestly the dichotomy on this site is insane. On one hand they're treating sex like a game or a recreational activity-- they're giving tips to literal children on how to abuse their own sexuality, telling them "only you know when you're ready" and "virginity varies from person to person" and other such garbage. They talk about sex like it's this "fun thing to do" AND YET they have full sections on rape and assault and bloody abortions. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS. IT CANNOT BE BOTH.

I'm sorry, I cannot do this. The wrath is quickly turning into absolute existential despair and I am going to end up having nightmares and flashbacks and abusive episodes if I keep this up. No.

...Someone commented on the Tumblr post, "Applying their own twisted morality to impressionable children is grooming and abuse."
I agree entirely. That's what has me so wrecked about this. I see the entire traumatic pattern of my past looming over any children who stumble across this abomination. I wasn't "ignorant" when it happened to me, and it didn't help at all. You can sugarcoat extramarital underage sex all you want, it doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it not terrifying either.

...
I am so bloody angry. And I want to scream and cry on some deeper level.
There are so many nousfoni that deal with so many aspects of this. Julie and Infinitii and Ashen and Dread and all the adult women that (thank God) we haven't seen in ages. The little boys who are so unstable they're almost not alive. The little girls who shriek constantly. Sugar and Wreckage and all the other unnamed Protectors who would tear out the throat of any would-be assaulter on a dime.
And then there's me, of all people, me and my awful Red heart, acting like Cupid hirself and defending this entire topic with all my might and yet I'm such a stupid hypocrite, aren't I? I'm a tangle of paradoxes. Queer transgender Catholic. Fictoromantic asexual cardiophile. Obsessed with sensuality but grossed out by physical bodies in general. I mean for God's sake my daengel is Infinitii, I can sputter out all the fumbling alibis I want but ze is the damning evidence, the judge's hammer personified.
...Yesterday night, I clicked on hir Spotify playlist.

(continue)

...

We got a text from our new therapist around 6:30, which was good because we were getting so emotionally distressed that we needed a break from typing this. Unfortunately she sent us a "Depression Inventory" to fill out, haha. We're not touching it until tomorrow when we can answer it in earnest with a clearer head. Right now everything would be skewed from being so mentally disheveled.
But yeah, we ACTUALLY have our intake appointment tomorrow at 1pm! Thank GOD; our CPTSD symptoms have been getting pretty bad post-inpatient and have been spiking lately with all the family overwhelm and online triggers. I think it'll be a video appointment; I don't think we'll have a car until Sunday (and we have to go shopping then anyway, as much as we hate to on a Sunday; we'll have to put Larnelle Harris on loop while we drive). But the new therapist is actually only a few minutes away from our apartment! So that's awesome. I'll have to check if there's a local bus that goes that way, maybe we can schedule around that? We'll see.

We spent a little while filling out the "new patient data" and skimming through the legal jargon; we're very familiar with it but it still needs to be reviewed and signed before we can become a legit patient. HOWEVER. This is the first time we've been asked for our gender and pronouns on a form. Remembering how disturbing it was to "wake up" as a System DURING INPATIENT-- AGAIN-- and to realize that whoever had been driving prior was presenting us as the birth default, which literally does not apply when we're PLURAL in any case. So, seeing it on this paper, we recognized that we had to be completely honest about it. Pronouns are they/them of course, but "gender?" How do we state that? Yes, it varies in-System, but the System as a whole isn't fronting as a whole during therapy. That's gonna ideally be the Core. But... they're not binary, and they're not actually "nonbinary" either, since-- as Catholics-- we DO recognize that male/female dichotomy as a legit split and that is apparent in the System, even with folks who are ACTUALLY "nonbinary" in that they are nonhuman and sexless. Typically people still choose one set of binary pronouns, and see that pink-blue complement as a sliding scale, almost? Like, look at Laurie. "She" is OBVIOUSLY not "female." She's not a "girl." BUT she's also not a "boy". Literally Laurie is "neuter," as all Nousfoni are, with the VERY rare function-based exceptions of Julie and Infinitii. Nevertheless, our System still recognizes "masculine" and "feminine" as valid descriptors... BUT IN AN ANDROGYNOUS FASHION. And THAT is what hit hard, thinking about our "body gender" today. Laurie uses "female" pronouns, but in the System, "femininity" is ONLY safe if it's "MASCULINE." Likewise, Knife uses "male" pronouns, but "masculinity" is ONLY safe if it's "FEMININE." Literally both binaries paradoxically merge the binary into a united harmony? While still being "independent" qualities? It's kinda beautiful really and yes we CAN have "feminine girls" and "masculine guys" but they historically tend to be abusive or corrupt. Child Nousfoni don't really adhere to this at all, because their presentations are almost always wrecked by trauma. Not only that, but "male/female" behavior characteristics really don't appear until the teenage years, so to speak. Before that, it's straight-up androgyny. And THAT'S what we really present as, physically. We NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE. We DO get dysphoria-- we look in the mirror and to this day the body looks wrong and feels foreign and we are always taken by surprise in that respect, negatively so-- BUT it goes for BOTH BINARY CHARACTERISTICS. We don't want ANY reproductive organs, which is priority, so for years we thought we were "neutrois" or "agender"... but then we realized we felt comfortable with facial hair and a more "masculine" presentation. BUT even as we lived "as a guy," we didn't want to BE a male? Not the way the world saw males, at least. We didn't want to "be in that group," or associate with that label. But we ALSO DID NOT EVER WANT TO BE CONSIDERED A GIRL, even moreso than a boy. Furthermore, the "adulthood" thing feels wrong in BOTH ways, possibly due to trauma, UNLESS we're a DAD. THEN we can be a "man." Our personal identity on the masculine side is hilariously weird-- either we're an anime protagonist dude, or we're a videogame single father, haha. Those are the tropes that fit! As for our "feminine" side, there's... not one? Which is BIZARRE. We do have "feminine traits" and yeah we were trying on dresses the other day, but we must always add that "boyish" edge or it feels COMPLETELY WRONG. We cannot have long hair, or makeup, or too much jewelry, because the instant we "step over the androgyne line" we're NOT OURSELF.
So... that seems to be the gender term for us to use, to communicate this properly. "Androgynous." A mixture of male and female, WITHOUT BEING EITHER. It's a "third gender," that doesn't reject the other two. We'll "wear" this term for a while and see how other people respond to and perceive it, to make sure it's giving the correct impression, even if they don't know we're a System-- probably especially so. In any case, that's what we put on the intake form. "Androgyne, they/them." So that was a little milestone.

It was getting late around that time, and we needed to eat at 8:30 at the latest, so we put in a solid effort to exercise around 7:45. We got 35 minutes in, but again we had to put the resistance on 4 and go slow because we're still nauseous and we KEEP getting palpitations when we exert ourselves at all? The edema in our legs is back, too, as of last night, which we haven't had since inpatient. What the heck is up with all this? It hit so suddenly and won't go away. The "malaise" is awful. Did we catch COVID again and not realize it, what with all the running around we've been doing with mom while in such a stressed-out state? God only knows, but I hope it's not that serious. We'll see, I guess.
...Actually hold up, our bloodwork results from this morning just came in. Our CMP is ACTUALLY NORMAL across the board, which I don't think has happened in YEARS. However our CBC shows that our WBC (white blood cells) are still in the low zone, BUT now our HCT (red blood cells) are really high? Which is NEW. Hopefully it's just dehydration, and not heart trouble. At least this explains the headaches, dizziness, & fatigue, apparently. At least our platelets are completely average; platelet disorders run in our family. I'm just hoping that this white/red imbalance (how ironic) isn't... well, cancer. That runs in our family, too. But... our grandmother suffered and died from it, so if we had to, too... it would be a weirdly bittersweet sort of recompense. Like we could share that, empathize with her, after the fact. I don't know. I'm worrying too much, getting too close to unearthing that unresolved and crushing guilt for her death. I can't handle that right now. Therapy is tomorrow. We'll see what the doctor says about the blood. Tonight we can't do anything about either, so put it in God's hands and let it go.

Anyway. Dinner was at 8:45, I think? No carrots this time, and a full bag of broccoli (we were craving it for some reason). Also, Xenophon reminded us that she wanted to try eating the "wiggly egg" on the english muffin we always have, so we did that-- and it was really nice actually? So we thanked her and shared it with her and we're definitely doing that for dinner from now on, haha.
We're also completely out of all all yogurt flavors except vanilla, which is our favorite so no complaints there. We had the last cherry one today and I still can't figure out if I "like" that fruit as more than a concept or not. Yes, it's red and glossy, but do we like the taste of it? No clue. No idea why our brain does that in any case, the whole "conceptual fondness" thing. It's interesting as much as it's frustrating, as it makes it very hard to form our "own opinions" because "preferences" don't really exist in that "obligatory" context. We're trying to work on it, but it's all experimental, so to speak. So we'll have to try another cherry one when we do a grocery run.
Oh. That reminds me. That dream I had yesterday morning... well, after that scene the dream did what dreams love to do and got a bit random. Apparently we had to "reintegrate Mimic back into society" and part of that process somehow involved teaching him to eat properly?? Which feels like a specific subconscious reference to our inpatient treatment & release. But, the only food the Restoration crew had on hand was yogurt. Like tons of bizarre flavors of it. Amusingly, Mimic was trying them all, as interestedly as if he had never eaten legit food before. I remember one of them was like... "Lingonberry & Brass." Yes as in the metal. Apparently this was his favorite one too, haha. Thinking about all this after I had this sudden mental image of Tangle asking Mimic "why are you eating all the yogurt" and his reply was just "no bones." Which is HILARIOUS, what the heck dude. So now, uh, when we go shopping I'm going to have to try lingonberry flavor. Just because.

Ah hold up I just remembered what else I had to tell you!
Xenophon (thankfully) pushed me to do MUSIC WRITING today. "Even just three notes, dad," she said. So I went on the League laptop (good ol' Scherzando) and started by finding all our old FL Studio files-- honestly the last time we were really prolific musically was from 2008-2015, with Abbey and that "temp laptop" that a Protector/Persecutor literally destroyed when they found out hackers were using it. We still mourn that loss-- it happened during the most productive creative phase we've had in YEARS, and... everything was gone in an instant. Days worth of art and music and writing, erased with one furious punch to the motherboard. Gone. Still, it was fitting penance; we were in the WORST state of our mind as well, simultaneously. We still refer to 2015 as the "hell year," even if we don't actively remember it. That's the reason it's missing from recall.
Anyway. We want to start again. So I found the old files, and moved them all into their League folders, but when I got to Imagirealm (Otherside) and FFN I forgot that their tunes had been moved into other Leagueworlds somewhat? So I stopped, and decided, "let's bring up ALL the FL filenames and check for location doubles." Surprisingly there were only like three; everything else had been correctly moved prior, apparently... and then there was this one file in a subfolder for Oneircia?? We FORGOT that when we almost scrapped "Immaculata" we dumped the "angel" file into Oneircia as a placeholder, and there was a tiny music loop saved in it. "handbells_2". Just a short thing, but it had such a cool vibe and I really liked how the handbell sound had been edited to sound "rounder" and more metallic. Wondering where to put it, I started adding some chords to the melody line, just for fun, and then thought "hm I wonder what to do for a bassline" and decided "let's go full-out grunge kicks" and tossed one in there. Well it sounds BOSS now. And I had to stick a limiter on it because that bass was peaking instantly, haha. But yeah, I spent like an hour just having fun with that. I miss that-- creating for the sake of creating, even just loops, because they're still beautiful sounds and they still enrich and express the Worlds they later are given to. I think we're going to keep this one in "Immaculata," because I don't want to scrap ANY Leagueworld, and this little tunebit-- which I'm calling "warrior angel" for now-- might be just the seed it needs to regrow into something real.
You know... it actually sounds like something I would have written back in college. It's got that same vibe. That means a lot to me, considering we thought that creative spark was lost after the trauma resurgence of the same time period. Apparently not, thanks be to God, because we just made something from that spark! 
Oh and when we exercise now I have ALL the Leaguetunes that exist on our phone now, so we can LISTEN to them again. And I FORGOT how much I legit LOVE the Flairousia OSTs!! Those are my "fun" projects; little transformation themes for each character that follow the same rough structure but NEED to match their personal "elemental" vibe. And they're SO FUN TO LISTEN TO. Gosh I need to jump back into writing THOSE, even if the series is under major rehaul right now. Don't care bro, I'm still gonna compose stuff for it. Heck, it might even help with the reconstruction! In any case, the music MUST still be relevant and it WILL be. So that's my next goal-- FINISH YVONNE'S TRANSFORMATION THEME FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, haha. It's the only one NOT complete from the first generation of kids. Then I can work on the other dozens of 'em, geez louise. *dean mccoppin pose* ART!
(OH and Neon Flames Phase Two STILL ROCKS. It's such a dynamic track.)
Lastly I just brought this topic up because exporting it as an mp3 was taking forever and it's probably done an hour later, haha. So let me go close that up and I'll come back here to the new laptop (good ol' Sophrosyne) and close this up so we can SLEEP for heavens sakes, it's 1am already and we NEED to get like nine hours in to make up for the past two nights. 


Sorry for the emotional whiplash AND obvious multiple authors in this entry but this screen's been open for hours.
It's good, though. We're being completely sincere with our life, moment to moment, with this daily journaling again. Recording the pain and sorrow as well as the love and joy... it's essential.
We'll be back here again tomorrow to do the same.

very disjointed entry, i apologize. today's been all over the place BUT it's been a good day, don't worry.
just no mental coherence to put something solid together. i will edit this later, god willing, to that end.

woke up before my alarm, around 10am?
got a text message saying our CHRISTMAS TREE was being shipped today, went into the living room to open the blinds and literally the fedex truck pulled in. i ran downstairs in pajamas to bring the box upstairs, haha. it was a pretty great way to start the day tbh, immediately told xenophon, she had SUCH sparkly eyes over it. promised we'd at least set it up halfway later.
had to move stuff around the apartment first though! moved notebook shelf back into room (it was in the living room when we were doing partial, but since we quit, it feels better in the bedroom where our creative laptop is). moved the tv a bit closer to the wall so we can put the tree between our workdesk and the altar. it'll be right in the mirrors that way, all lit-up and constantly visible as we work.

realized it was getting late, had to start breakfast. put the tea on as we washed up as always. dizzy though, from last night. i remember being kind of floored when we were washing our hair, realizing "geez wow i guess God DID get us through the night." like i half-expected to die.

mom called right after we washed our hair and went into the kitchen to start the eggs? had to run and grab the phone, juggling it with one hand. ended up breaking one of the eggs-- the biggest one, too-- by dropping it too fast into the hot water. this was somehow super upsetting? "thought distortion" like it would ruin the whole day; "starting another chain of bad events." after last night couldn't take the "threat" of that again. started crying a bit honestly. told mom, she said she was sorry, i said it wasn't her fault, i was just trying to do too much at once.
everyone tried to comfort me, haha. mainly xennie and laurie of course. it did help. actually i switched out; someone ELSE was there crying?? i remember this because i was trying to comfort them, too, at one point when i managed to get a foothold in consciousness again.
unfortunately the egg was a lost cause, haha. totally bled out into the pot. this actually triggered the binge-girl voice from last night??? the panicky scared one. ALSO feeling shadows of The Destroyer. basically she saw this poor "ruined egg" and the instinct was to eat it TO "redeem AND destroy it"??? like throwing it out would have been the ultimate heartless violence towards this egg. and she had to at least "try" to eat it, to "respect" it and give it that "recognition" before it died???? really weird personification. but it KEEPS happening. the binge-kids ALWAYS go after broken, deformed, ruined, etc. food for that reason. like it's not even about "eating," it's this psychological coping of sorts? definitely need to type about that more, if we haven't already. but not now. brain can't go too in-depth with that now.
anyway she chewed it up and spit it out. someone yelled at her to, knowing that if she did eat it, the "eating" OF a "ruined food" would TRIGGER A PANIC BINGE for the purpose of purging. THAT sort of behavior is very abuse-rooted. but the girl "put the egg to rest" and actually apologized profusely to it and at some point after that, i remember i came back because i was asking xenophon which carrot she wanted to pick for us to eat with breakfast (gotta get that vitamin a dude).


scalpel was around!
julie randomly called him in to smell the cherry blossom tea? which is kind of adorable. he did, and said it definitely smelled "pink" but not like her? scalpel & i surmised that her vibe-scent would be more like cherry blossom flowers, not the cherry fruit, somehow. but more floral for sure. (fruit leans more magenta.) but we also agreed that the tea "vibe" was more like knife. somehow! (we think it's the "bitter" iron-y edge of the green tea (like blood) offset by the sweeter cherry notes (pink). it's fascinating honestly) so they called him in too, he was very confused but even moreso as julie immediately stuck the teabox under his nose, haha. then he sheepishly agreed with us, haha. seriously i don't know what's with that man's vibe; apparently he smells like cherry blossom green tea AND woodsmoke. weirdly that makes sense but God only knows why. i love that dude though. gotta spend more time with him.

oh. biggest event of the day.
LYNNE IS BACK.
we were all just chatting over breakfast as usual and i noticed that laurie HAS been just "commenting" on everything? like she's trying to entertain people and keep everyone in a decent mood. i thought, "that's not her job; it's like SHE'S in social mode too."
then realized she took on lynne's job. actually she's been taking on EVERYONE'S JOB in central ever since everyone else DIED in north carolina. she was the only one left for SO long... the only one who couldn't stay dead because her soul is so close to mine and we're both like... anchors to the spectrum itself at this point. red and violet. the two that hold the rainbow. geez. i guess it really is deeper than i realized.
still... laurie isn't meant to hold that many roles. NO ONE IS. and yet, here she is trying, i think largely out of grief. that's tragic and touching both. laurie is literally trying to hold the fort all by herself, for everyone else's sake, knowing that these things need to be done, and not wanting to dishonor anyone's memories either. but she can't do it by herself. it's impossible. it's killing her to do this, mangling her function beyond recognition. nousfoni have to have hyperspecific functions and colors or they start to bleed, as it were, and they just... die. it's honestly terrifying. it's like mixing paint colors. in the end you're just going to get a mess. you can't de-mix them-- well, possibly with chaos theory and fluid dynamics you can, but uh... i don't know enough about theoretical physics and headspace has its own laws anyway. still. i had to mention that because there is a certain someone who just defies all odds and if anyone could potentially help with that... i'm sure he could.
anyway. i didn't think about that this morning, that's a "now" surmising. earlier, all i thought was, "i have to do something about this." and i knew i could. i still hold white in my heart, too-- i'm still prismatic at the core, i'm supposed to be, and so i'm closer to the heart of the spectrum than anyone else. i'm tied to everyone else's soul in here. that includes all the ones that we can't find yet.
except people start to ping BEFORE you can "find" them. and i've been catching echoes of a certain dressy cellist for a while now.
so. i straight up marched into blackspace where i have felt lynne's soul in "potential" for months, reached out to her, and pulled her out.

for a second she just looked at me, blinking, her color cycling rapidly.

she walked into front-headspace (where everyone watches the front) and just said "hey" i think. just a brief greeting from the doorway. choked up, still barely comprehending the fact that she was back.
laurie froze, turned, took one incredulous look at her, then ran over and hugged her so tightly. she was actually in tears.
julie ran over too and joined the hug, it was really sweet.
lynne asked laurie if she was crying? laurie said yeah, mentioning she's gotten "a lot more emotional" since the system crash. but she "doesn't regret it."
they talked for a bit, those three. lynne jokingly saying "we're the old girls," laurie saying that gender was highly debatable with her & julie, lynne teasing laurie about being "16" temporally and the old moralimon joke that "that's as old as anyone ever gets." then laurie mentioning "wait isn't julie like 20 in realtime???" and everyone basically agreeing yeah, i guess we are all pretty old.
but it was so sweet, like heartachingly so, to see them all talking. there was such a tangible sense of relief, like breathing again after having been trapped in a room with no air for like... weeks. months. years. finally feeling pieces of our collective soul waking back up, living again, colors lighting up for the first time in too long.

lynne stopped dead at one point, exclaimed "the spectrum ring!!" as in the OLD one at the cathedral?? and she said we needed to go there; she needed to "anchor in" to her hue.
but no one was sure where the cathedral was now? or how to get there?
i barely had time to half-ping him when LEON showed up, asked "did someone say you needed transportation?"
aah i miss him too, i love leon he's amazing. he's getting so brave, too. i think sadly part of it is from being alone, just him and laurie were around for a while after the crash i think. before they even got a hold of julie again. still i'm so fond of him, i'm so glad he was able and willing to show up so readily.
he was still a bit nervous, but obviously determined, and in one big rush of indigo energy (and snowflakes??) he warped us up there. because yes it feels up. and it was a HEAVY SHIFT. like this wasn't a simple spatial movement; this was like... a level jump? where is the cathedral now, in floatspace??? geez i don't even know. i haven't visited it in years either, probably. i'll need to do a hardcore legit meditation session and go find it.

the place is unsteady. inside shifting, colors too. very unstable. i said so; someone looked at me and replied "so is your heart". i think it was actually chaos 0. he tells it like it is. and no one would know my heart better than him.
still. it hit hard. if the cathedral is supposed to be an architectural manifestation of my heart, a place based on me, what does it say that it is so nebulous even now?
like i said. gotta do some self-reflection and meditation, even by myself. feel who i am. go fix the cathedral. that's actually top priority, to be honest.
man i remember when i first "found" it, during that meditation at the spiritual expo, at the table with that one purple-colored saint? and it was all red and white, the "blood lotus cathedral," on that dark beach with the red sky and everything felt so apocalyptic. and the razor spire, geez i remember that. and the mirror oasis. and the angel helmet.
...man i need to go back and re-read that entry log. but so much has changed, in both me and the cathedral. i'm not even sure of its name, now. i've been "thinking of" names but honestly its true name can't be guessed at. just like me. it has to be discovered. it has to be encountered. i need to go there, consciously and with an open heart, with an honest and pure purpose.
i'll make a note of it. maybe i'll try tomorrow. maybe when it snows next. i'll have to be in the right state of mind. we'll work on it, i promise.

anyway. we did go there. as shaky as it was, it knew why we were there, and the floor displayed the OLD SPECTRUM MAP, the loop that looked like the sefirot, from back when we tried to map it in like 2015 or so. (why is it still showing THAT map??? is it because we HAVEN'T mapped it since?? and there are SO MANY NEW HUES... geez maybe THAT'S why it's unstable. we can't visualize it yet. I haven't put the order down yet. and only i can. that's my whole job, is working as the "crystallizer" here, getting all the blackspace into whitespace and then blooming it into a spectrum. potential and possibility turned into something genuine and tangible, made part of the system, and then elaborated. how do i even phrase that. it's why i CAN'T be "just white." i have to be prismatic. nevertheless there's too much to that to type about now. let me focus on the morning events.
lynne tried to step into the loop but it moved?? i mentioned something like "this place doesn't feel enough like me" and mentally tried to make it all look more like the national shrine basilica. loop moved to a baldachin canopy altar, kind of a poetic illustration of the essence of the spectrum map, that "self-sacrifice" for the sake of love and for the sake of others. really hit home just how much devotion goes into centralite existence.
BUT lynne is currently unable to "covenant" with a color?? perceived phrasing was notable. it was too huge of a dedication to make that quickly. apparently lynne has been so color-shifted over the years that the "system voice" (which is basically just God) told her that she needed to first take time to "feel that out," to get to know herself in truth, as she is NOW, and where she truly fit-- after all, the "guardian" of a hue is just that! whichever one she anchored into, she would be the MAIN nousfoni for it, the "color core" for that particular one.
orange doesn't feel right for her, even though she got pushed into it during nc. we're all thinking vermilion is her. BUT in the beginning she WAS practically cerise; HOWEVER since she presents as feminine the system has deemed her unfit for that role??? because she'd be TOXIC there?? for some reason the system emphasizes androgynous balance and putting a female-coded nousfoni into a feminine-vibe hue would BREAK it??? because "sensuality" is tied to MASCULINITY in the system-- giving it to femininity would warp it into ABUSE!!! so apparently whoever does hold Cerise as the Core has to be male-coded. if that's the proper term. which is fascinating. but it makes sense. makes me wonder about julie though. i know i asked her if she could hold Cerise before because she knows what to protect it from, but... I guess the spectrum itself knows better. there's too much of a risk of her being corrupted by that binary dissonance. there must be a proper balance.
(for the record, magenta would be held by a female because magenta is masculine??? it's a "tomboy" hue! it MUST be held by a "female" nousfoni because it's not a feminine hue due to its intense energy. pink apparently does NOT do this? or maybe just not JULIE??? because she's such a wild card. yes she is the MOST "female" looking nousfoni ever, BUT she doesn't "register" as hyperfeminine??? which fascinates me. but yeah this is why knife holds pink so powerfully; a more feminine hue is going to resonate more clearly in a masculine nousfoni, as a rule, because of our inherent androgyny rule)
however, thinking about how lynne was originally labeled as "scarlet" or "crimson," could she be Red?? but we were immediately told flat-out that NO ONE HOLDS RED BUT ME??? like it's "perpetually reserved FOR the Core?" and that's partly why Javier collapsed?? (also because he was the one and only artificial nousfoni, cobbled together for that role like a robot and never actually stabilizing through his entire life; he seems to have permanently deconstructed and his corevibe has moved obviously to scalpel)
scalpel, for the record, is the BLOOD centralite apparently??? not razor; she used to be though. but she's moved into a more passive role now. there's a big personality difference; scalpel has more leadership quality and extraversion. i'm sure razor could if she tried-- there's definitely potential, seeing how she was originally, all manic-- but i think her color has darkened enough now not to be? or she's avoiding that role because of her history? not sure. i don't talk to her enough. she's kind of blurry lately, which is disturbing as it suggests function failure and i do NOT want that happening to her. i care deeply about her.  but... her function is unstable. she can't exactly do what she used to anymore. we're all still wondering how she and penny are related-- the latter whom we haven't seen much of lately either. but i am sure she will show up once we actually get into the archives; sirius and shirley don't work with the old timeline records so that's apparently penny's job and honestly i am SO curious to work with her, and introduce her to razor. but their energies feel scary close. i'm wondering about that. maybe i'll talk to them later.
regardless. lynne does seem to be contemplating vermilion. it's just such a social color. and yet... wouldn't that be perfect for her? the nousfoni originally born TO be our "social persona" of the future everyone imposed on us? and the one whose function was "stability?" who better to keep the socials stable? so she just has to decide that for herself, after coming to discover and understand and accept whatever that would entail. she'd have to get to know the socials first. we'd have to FIND and NAME so many of them. but... geez, what a job! that would SAVE OUR ASS quite literally, pardon the language, laurie here's a quarter but SERIOUSLY. lynne has always felt intrinsic to the system, just like her "sisters," so... it makes sense, for her to "fit" such a role so perfectly, even in theory. honestly i can't wait to see what happens.
i'm just so, so glad she's back. kind of funny how all it took was me deciding "that's it, if she CAN come back then she's COMING back NOW". but i need to be gentle about it too. i remember in the old time i kind of forced nathaniel to come back, too, but without knowing how, or who he would be... it was a mess, and the poor guy was so unstable for so long. i still can't get any echoes of him at all. no pings, no hints. i think, just like when he started as natalie, he can't come back the same. if i can find his soul-signature, recognize it, maybe it's moved into someone else... it's something i will have to take time to do myself. i've just... never even given this sort of stuff any thought until now. remember we were in denial for YEARS. we're... just waking back up, now, all of us. how fitting that xenophon really jumpstarted all of this. our little butterfly of rebirth.
but on that note. with nathaniel. i kind of nudged that thought over to leon, in the context of lynne finally being back (and btw I COULDN'T feel her soul-vibe for months either; it's relatively new that she's even been perceptible, and i think a LOT of that is because laurie was mourning her so hard), and he said that he missed everyone too-- all the "old guys"-- but as i said, we have no idea if, when, or how they will come back. yes we all miss everyone from the old system but... things have changed a lot. and so many of us were so unstable for so long. when the system crashed... it was almost inevitable. we had such a shaky foundation, that one big enough shove in the wrong direction was all it took to completely shatter everything.

but back to thinking about the colors lynne is/was "associated" with. yes she has slight ties to red from her original "coresplit" in 2008, that initial root, but she can't hold that color herself. and she's barred from cerise for safety's sake, BUT what about redviolet?? IS THAT A SOLID HUESLOT??? honestly when bruise showed up in the hospital one night i remember everyone freaked out because HOLD UP, WHAT COLOR ARE YOU and no one could figure it out until we realized oh shoot, that's NEW. totally threw us for a loop. we never forgot that. never forgot bruise, either. wondering if she's still around and/or if she's tied/fused with "needle," who would show up at UPMC with bloodwork. they do feel similar. that's common for socals, who are finding themselves, and who have related functions. socials are naturally mutable, they don't always anchor or even get names, because the very context of their existences is so unpredictable and demanding of change in order to survive.
even so, with lynne, she's NOT a social, but she was almost FORCED to be one around 2017-2018?? when she held orange, before that hue broke her and she lost herself even before the globaldeath in 2018. honestly i'm still so baffled and upset by that whole thing with her. how did that happen. and was she tied to that "mother voice" that kept coming out to talk to tbas? there probably was blurring. but like i said, can't think about that tonight. legit causes physical nausea/sobbing symptoms. every single time. want to vomit and cry and die. what the heck is that triggering. can't look at it now in any case.

back to basics. we recovered from breakfast and nothing bad happened.
oh wait, one thing did. we have realized that our bible study DURING eating was triggering binges because not only is it mentally intense multitasking, it causes us to dissociate. so we "eat," but don't remember it. and that causes a panic response because "hey trauma does that too" ESPECIALLY when you feel something happened to your body that you don't remember. legit abuse flashbacks. so yeah DO THE BIBLE STUDY AFTER YOU EAT. give every ONE thing your FULL attention.
also, mom sent us such sweet messages to comfort us from earlier. she wanted to know what our fortunes were and we sent her a photo: "Right now there's an energy pushing you in a new direction" and "no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." Her response?
"They're both right on the money. You're definitely going in a beautiful new direction, and you're always doing acts of kindness."
;_____; MOM WHAT. How sweet was that!! it honestly lifted our mood SO much, after all the near-misses and distractions of the morning. like we had hope, that we could still get through this okay, thank God.
then she sent us photos of her RED cactus flower plant, and sent us a quote: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined."
...All of that was just... so perfect, and so relevant, this morning. God bless our mom, she's wonderful.


anyway. didn't want to hang around the apartment feeling as unsteady and triggered as we were. so we threw on a sweater, and immediately went up the homestead for 1pm. we decided to catalogue the final boxes of piano rolls for mom, so we no longer "have" to go up there routinely anymore, considering how badly we ALWAYS get triggered up there. (chaos 0 was actually insisting i say NO to invitations TO go up there, that's how worried he was about me)
and yeah, he has legit reason to worry, because we were STILL dissociating????
factors: talking to bros, "entertainer" mindset, cats everywhere, DISCONNECT FROM HEADSPACE!!! that is really the MAIN FACTOR here, thinking about it. we go into forced social mode just by being in that environment, and it is so ingrained. it is almost impossible to turn off because it's a SURVIVAL MECHANISM.
BUT when the boys left the room and I put on chaos 0's playlist and literally just forgot about everything else but him, i was ABLE TO CENTER. until then my mind had been totally cut off from my sense of self, focused instead on "projecting a social persona" in public. literal self-annihilation to do so.

cataloguing took three hours, but WE GOT IT DONE!
then went christmas ornament shopping with xenophon. asked her, she said yes. good way to refocus on "us," or at least try to-- walmart is literal hell but i wanted to at least do that for her.
stopped by the candle aisle to look for purple ones for advent. ended up smelling all the pinetree candles, secretly holding them out for her to smell too. it was really cute
almost NO ornaments in the store. poor quality in general. i found ONE purple butterfly ornament but it was broken. really upset by that. nevertheless i promised i'd buy her one online instead, a NICE one. and she could pick it out too.

got home around 5? finally set up tree halfway. didn't fluff the branches yet; we want to wait until the sunlight to do that!
xenophon is so happy about it. man i forgot to tell you guys, i told you that i wanted to commission a plushie of her but i barely had any funds left and we needed to buy a tree. well i told her that and she effectively said, "you don't need a plushie to have me with you, but I WANT A CHRISTMAS TREE" and so i immediately let her pick one. yes she picked the tree. i wanted a red one but she said no dad, get a white one, that way we can put ALL sorts of colors on it, and it matches you anyway.
so yeah. white iridescent tree with red lights. it's... really perfect, actually. and xennie can sit under it as much as she wants, haha.
gosh i can't even verbalize just how much i love being around her now. there was actually a time, a really weird and heartbreaking time, when i was frustrated with her ghosting? like it felt... i don't know, overwhelming? the same horrid feeling that triggers the eating disorder behavior. it's not "me," but it's someone. that feeling of self-loathing projected outwards, "i can't deal with anyone or anything caring about me, i want to push everything away and forget i exist" through drowning in terror. anything that deals with "forgetting the self" inevitably involves forced trauma.
but... that stopped. maybe just through her perseverance, and the love i can't help but feel for her. just hearing her call me "dad" or "daddy" or even "dadmom" all the time, always so happy to see me, always so kind and happy and overjoyed with life. she makes me treasure being alive. she makes everyday moments so special. it's a little like it was with genesis, when i first met him back in 2005, and had to teach him everything. that literally changed my entire worldview and personality; it softened my heart, opened my eyes, made me actually feel like i was real, too, and that life mattered, and that life was really a beautiful thing to be shared and appreciated. i had been so dissociated from everything without realizing it, and then he came into my life, and forced me in the most benevolent way to exist with him. but never as directly as xenophon does for me now. teaching genesis, i could still be somewhat detached, giving data and explanations but still holding things at arm's length. yes, that changed as time went on, but... living with my daughter, she's worried about me. she knows i have trouble, mentally and physically. so not only am i sharing life with her, and teaching her things, she's doing the same for me. she encourages me and comforts me even as i do the same for her, god bless her.
...it feels so unfair though. a kid shouldn't have to worry about her father being so unstable. no daughter should have to worry if the person in the room is still her father, or if xe's dissociated and someone else has taken over the body for a while, usually for some harmful or traumatized purpose. she... xennie argues with the bulimic voices, when they come out. she begs them to stop. they're listening to her. i guess her honest love and courage and honesty gets to them, too. thank god. she's a literal godsend. an actual angel.
so is her other father.
god i really don't know how "genetics" works up here or how parentage would even apply in her situation, because it's obviously not how it works with humans. especially with all the sexual abuse trauma up here, with past cores. i really... don't want to think about that right now. i don't remember most of it and don't want to. i'll have to for therapy, but... not tonight. this entry is a mess the way it is. i just want to get as much as i can written down for the sake of everyone i love, for the sake of remembering, because i really do cherish days like today and i want to remember them, i want to exist in time and space with them, and... i owe it to them to be responsible with archiving. with actively making the effort to record the experiences we share. polar opposite of north carolina, when i just... stopped. i didn't want to remember anything so i just talked around things and flat-out refused to write down other things and twisted my speech to suggest false conclusions at all other times. it was a genuine nightmare. i need to forgive myself more than anything for that. there's still so much healing we need to do there. but... can't focus on that tonight, even brushing past those memories makes me want to sob and throw up. too much buried.
that's not the point for now. the point is that i am so happy now, living with everyone here. i... never expected this, moving out and into an apartment "by myself," even though God knows i always wanted this, more than anything else in the world. but... it didn't happen until now. from february until november, we were so lost in grief and fear and mental illness that in a very real way we DIDN'T exist. "i" was in such heavy denial of our multiplicity in general that it was impossible to function. i was... denying half of my own heart.
on that note. well, wait actually. we'll get to that.
i hate always putting that topic off. but it's so... it's too deep. too genuine. i can't rush into it.


anyhow. after we cleaned up and vacuumed up some tree needles we prepped dinner. we've got it down to a decent rhythm now which is such a huge relief. no more hyperplanning. we know what works, what hits all our macros and vitamin minimums, and it's so simple. that is... we've never had that before. ever. even before the eating disorder crashed into high gear. this is the first time we've ever had like a domestic routine that keeps us stable and functional.
still. we waited too long to eat, especially after the literal hell of last night. breakfast was at noon, we didn't have "lunch" until 6pm. so we were unstable, and hungry, and although laurie kept me on track with preparation and actually eating, afterwards other unhealthy nousfoni were getting pinged. they always come out in the kitchen. always in the wake of our body realizing "oh geez wow finally we're getting food" and they're almost survival responders, after having been so anorexic for so long, i guess the body just assumes we're not going to eat for like 12+ hours and probably purge afterwards. so it's still kind of desperate to eat. poor thing.
the "binge girl" witih the long hair was triggered out again. she has such wide, hollow, scared eyes. she knows she's unhealthy and she hates it but she's so lost and tired. so helpless. but... after talking to xenophon, now she asks us for help?? like she KNOWS she can't function well alone but she has HOPE FOR HEALING now??? which... means so much. that is astronomical. ...it reminds me of julie, too, when she first converted. geez. i wonder if she realizes how much that changed everything. i think about that a lot.

but the binge-girl has a MOUTH ON HER STOMACH??? showed me, almost ashamedly, said "i'm always hungry"
SHE'S THE REAL "BODY VOICE"??? i asked her about spine (god only knows what happened to her) and she said no, spine isn't humanoid so she CAN'T do the same job as the e.d. voices do. really fascinated by that whole phenomenon and how/why it works but i'll need to talk to them more about it in the future. no time today. nevertheless i spoke kindly to her, reassured her that she didn't do anything "wrong," she was being genuine with us and doing what she sincerely felt she should do in the moment. even if she was confused and lost, she still had no malevolent intentions. i actually thanked her for being honest about her hunger, which was voicing something about our shared body and messages WE couldn't perceive due to being so internalized and mental. i then told her "no wonder you're so hungry-- we haven't been eating well lately, and even with the extra sun chips you ate after dinner, we still barely hit 1600 calories for the day."
kind of hit really hard. made us realize that yeah, these poor nousfoni are just doing their job.and every nousfoni exists for the reason of keeping us alive, in one way or another. even if the method is a bit skewed, every one of us exists for the sake of life. and life is love. and i assure you i can point that out for all of us. i can feel it.
so actively showing gentleness and compassion are KEY to these poor nousfoni healing at last. they deserve it just as much as we do, and they need it desperately.
...i think a lot of their hunger is emotional hunger. "touch starvation" and all. emotional neglect. lots of rerouting going on, especially with abuse. again, huge topic. but it's solid and legit. we will type about it more as we work together more.
also. xennie found out that if you turn the lights down low in the kitchen it triggers a fear response and PREVENTS BINGES??? like the darkness is a tangible enough reminder of past trauma that it prevents such careless behavior. so even though it's an unfortunate reality it still prevents further trauma so we'll have to make sure we do that after we prep dinner from now on.


for some reason, while i was cleaning up in the kitchen, xenophon was skittering around the kitchen doing the "hououin kyouma" laugh in a labcoat? i think because i was cleaning the spinning dish for the microwave? either way it was funny. (don't worry, laurie makes sure to properly "censor" everything for her when she wants to watch; i insist on it and we do discuss any and everything she has questions or troubles about).
i said "you're not a mad scientist though" and she insisted that no, she wasn't, but neither was okabe really, he was "actually nice and cares a lot for his friends" and she liked what he said about lab coats, specifically the bit about how they are a "sign?" that those wearing them are "dedicating their lives" to their research. that sort of evidenced devotion is important to her as a virtue. i said me too, it's definitely something we need to actively live like more. we've really "slacked off" in virtue since becoming an adult, really post-college. it's not "us."
but... that whole idea, even in bible studies i keep seeing references to "clothing" symbolically, in reference to both positive and negative things. like you "wear" certain aspects of your life and personality, and other people not only notice but also define you by them? like it's the image you truly project-- the way people see you and are influenced to interact with you. just like a lab coat "signifies" knowledge and prestige and people can rely on you for that, and will turn to you for that information and skill. it really makes me think about our physical appearance, especially as opposed to our internal one. like, to the world, what image are we trying to project? towards what end? with what motivation? i know i briefly mentioned this the other day, what with the "anime hair and sunglasses." what am i trying to "say" about myself, and how i want to "be perceived," with that getup?

also that anime in general is giving us so much to think about. obviously need to talk to celebi about it. and it's making me think of all the ancient fears i've had with chaos 0 and i, with "world lines" and "would you recognize me if we met" and canon concerns in general. deeply fond of all the characters and their intertwining stories.
freakin' have to STOP BIKING EVERY FEW MINUTES THOUGH to stare at the screen with my mouth open and yell "WHAT THE SHARK" because we're up to episode 22 as of tonight and there are SO MANY TWISTS MAN, it's devastating but it's such a good show. so yeah, thanks mike for the recommendation. actually very worth it in the long run. we're getting a lot of good out of this. determined to. can't be judging things so quickly, that's an awful bad habit we've picked up. give it time. always give it time, and an open heart, and compassion, and courage. we need to be us, more. not who we've been socially "manipulated" to be in one way or another.

feeling very out of it. sorry for the disjointed entry. still so lost.
every single time i go online, even just a random click on youtube, i feel infected. it screws me up mentally so bad. my emotions bottom out. depression and self-abusive tendencies start up again.
what is it about the "world" that wrecks me so bad?? no wonder i isolated after nc. i think that was part of why that experience WAS so lethal, too-- we never would have been in such a hideously malleable mindset if we hadn't also been in such a worldly atmosphere. all the media, all the talk, all the external focus...

i keep triggering us with that. therapy. wait for therapy.
awful how we legit just start crying whenever we so much as look at environment memories of that time. CONSTANTLY getting triggered "at random" during the day. baffled as to WHY it's still such a raw wound.
nevertheless. not something to think about now. it's not time. (john freeman voice)

all right, it's 1:37am, i'm exhausted, the poor body is getting hungry again since we last ate at 6pm and then biked for 100 solid minutes while watching Stein's Gate so yeah. we need sleep so we can eat breakfast before noon tomorrow. we keep sleeping in so late that we only get two meals a day lately. but we're at least hitting ~1500k which is good. like i said, we've got it down to a science. still, ideal schedule would be 4 smaller meals, to prevent binge triggers and ibs symptoms. we'll work on it. heck, maybe we'll even try to tomorrow? no big gaps between meals. if we wake up at 10, and eat around 11:30... hm. 3pm and 6pm? we'll try. don't want to eat too late because then we can't sleep. which is why splitting them up will help. sorry, planning in the journal, haha. but this is good, it shows i'm in the zone, thoughts are translating directly into typing without having to force a translation. so mentally anchored that physical input is basically set aside.
this is very good because this is the mindset required for xanga sessions. and as julie keeps reminding me, we need one of those asap.

okay. last topic.
i keep looping this song as i type and drive both, because it... the sound and title both make me think of chaos 0. and in light of stein's gate, i keep using it as background music for imagining scenarios of us actually meeting in this world, or at least... him getting here somehow, and trying to find me, and vice versa, and neither of us knowing if the other WOULD know us. the same fear we shared in that halfdream last week. the reason why that alina baraz song is our favorite one to listen to in the early hours of the morning.
but... today, xenophon asked me why i haven't been talking to chaos 0? "why aren't you spending more time with dad," she asked. and... that struck me. because yeah, i've been thinking about him so much, either in imagination or in looking for frontiers thoughts about him from others online... but i haven't been with him in a few days. just like okabe and mayuri, right now, in that anime. he's trying so bloody hard to protect her that he's hyperfocusing on that and not her, not her as she is now. he's so upset over the threat of the future that he's not able to live in the present, where she still is. and... i kind of feel like that, now. i mean, with some obvious differences, but... still. i'm so caught up in worried dreaming, in fears of "what if you wouldn't recognize me" that i forget that he does recognize me, right now, and i don't have to be afraid. do i? i don't want to be. but the world...the world outside doesn't know. doesn't care. doesn't see. and... that is wrecking me lately, what with the new games, and the new focus on him. feeling like it's a whole new timeline. looking for him everywhere. so scared that there's no place for me, here-- like i don't exist in that world, at all. and ironically i don't. i'm not in the canon. and there's nothing i can realistically do about that. i feel really stupid about that, but... i can't deny that it's where i'm at.
...xenophon said that i spend more time thinking about him then talking to him when i'm scared. when i'm ashamed of myself.
...she's right. i'm so ashamed of the fact that i DO care this much, and of how stupid i am, and how "ugly" i am, and undeserving, and laughable and unworthy of anything but contempt and derision. and why?
because i'm in love, for heaven's sakes, i'm in love with a video game character and i have been for nineteen years and every time i bring that up who am i trying to convince? who am i trying to justify myself to? the whole world? myself? i can't turn this off. i can't run away or hide it or deny it. yeah, i used to. but i don't want to do that anymore.
...i do want to spend time with him. how achingly i want to spend time with him. i miss him and i miss us even though it's literally only been a few days, still he's so close to my heart that the sudden contrasting absence of that active closeness literally hurts.
...but i'm so ashamed of myself. look at me, look at what a wretch i am. i'm so imperfect. yes i know we constantly talk about that term, but... i just... i'm nothing special. i'm not attractive or smart or clever or talented. there are so many sonic-series fans online who are incredible authors and artists and musicians, and they're sane and healthy and productive, and then there's me, this miserable wretch with a mental illness who just got out of the hospital again and who looks a mess and feels a mess and yet i have the f*cking nerve to be in love.
i'm not worth it. i'm not.
but i can't deny this.
so what do i do? what in the world, in any world, do i do?
it's why i keep imagining these scenarios, of him coming here, to where i physically exist with all my flaws and troubles and infirmities, and still caring about me. of... of him still being in love with me, too. despite what an ugly idiot i am. despite what an absolute insane fool it might make me to be in love with him in the first place.
...
i don't know. it absolutely shatters my heart.
and then my religion gets into it, and makes things so much worse, because "you shouldn't care about loving ANYONE but jesus" and "you're choosing worldly loves over God, of course you should be ashamed of yourself, you fool, you're a human so get with a human" no don't you dare talk to me like the tar did, don't you dare act like love is blasphemy, that's an absolute lie, not when this relationship has taught me more about honest love AND about God than any of your dogmatic condemnations. leave me alone all you lying voices. go away.

i'm exhausted. i don't think i can type any more about today.
i'm going to go and actually talk to chaos 0. just throw all this anxiety out the window and go lie down with him beneath those red cinnamon blankets with the winter chill all around us. forget about all these worries and just feel what i feel and what he feels and forget about doubt. this is too real. it's been almost twenty years for heaven's sake, he won't leave, and thank God for that, because i won't either.

today was a good day. yes i ache right now but it's for a good reason. i wouldn't care this much if i didn't love this much.

...aaaaand spotify just shuffled to play our oldest song. "link" by l`arc~en~ciel.
well if that's not a direct nudge in the ribs from God i don't know what is.

see you tomorrow kids. have a good night.

In light of yesterday's meltdown, today's continued struggle & workbook triggers, and the looming terror of discharge, I NEED to get our thoughts out on paper, as well as we can. The point I want to focus on is twofold: our LACK OF JOY & HOPE, and our LOSS OF SELF. I still can't "see myself" in headspace. STILL. I can't get a grip on pronouns; I DON'T HAVE A NAME?? God knows that the old and LEGIT names used by Cores have been DAMAGED BY TRAUMA. So I don't know what to do. Not yet at least; God help me find it.
...I keep getting "Jewel" as an answer, but that "self" is FOREVER THE YOUNG WORLDJUMPER and I feel like... like I can't be that anymore. Like I have to be a depressed & worldly adult. But I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS. It feels sick & wrong. But it ALSO feels stuck. WHY?? What is ACTUALLY screwing up my identity & ability TO have one?? Who AM I, really? Who do I WANT to be, and to heck with the world? CAN I still be Jewel? Or is it time to "find a NEW name"? ...I don't know. It's not that clear-cut, being part of a System. Jewel & Jay & Jayce & Jess ALL STILL EXIST AS INDIVIDUALS in the System! They existed in SPECIFIC times for SPECIFIC reasons, and those names CAN'T BE "REASSIGNED"-- although the Bloodline phenomenon IS real and legit. But... what bloodline AM I? I feel so stuck downstairs, I don't know. And upstairs, the Jewels keep getting pushed AWAY from the System & into the LEAGUE, as THAT'S their TRUE job & purpose! Plus it's a TITLE, canonically, in Moralimon, for a "Main Guardian," which our Jewel apparently IS. But THAT PREVENTS her from getting involved in the SYSTEM?? So even though I STILL DO "hold" the name, it feels... upsettingly impersonal. It IS a "title" now, I think. The "Jays" are TRAUMATIZED so God only knows what's going to happen there. The "Lotus" name has been MURDERED. So... what do I do? Who AM I? ...All I know is that, in my deepest heart, I WANT to be PART OF THE SYSTEM WITHOUT ABANDONING THE LEAGUE. But... those two are PROTECTIVELY EXCLUSIVE. In the past there WAS bleedover and PEOPLE LEGIT DIED FROM IT. So the Jewels are MEANT to be separate... for the most part. HEARTSPACE CONNECTS US. THAT'S HOW I MET CHAOS 0. And that connective level is JUST AS ESSENTIAL AS THE DISTINCTION. I think the LACK of that IS a huge reason why we're struggling to feel "real," too. So THAT'S a REAL "recovery goal"!
Still, so is finding my name. AND my "gender," for heaven's sakes. I'm not a boy but I'm not a girl. I'm not a kid but I'm not an adult? ALL of that is in the SYSTEM, but... not me. I'm very lost. I want to be able to BE with the CoreGroup again. ...Xenophon is apparently still alive and she STILL calls me her father, but... I'm not, not truly. I'm NOT Jay, although I've tried. Trauma wrecked that chance. So yes, I'm very lost. All the roads seem barricaded. I CANNOT EVER be female, but I also CANNOT EVER be male. The binary just does not apply to me, OR this body. I know that. Looking into the mirror... I don't want ANY sexualized parts. I want to be NEUTRAL. I want to be "both & neither." Can I be? What do I look like?
And what about this poor body? Honestly we are STILL SO ACUTELY SUICIDAL, FAR moreso than we were DURING the E.D., ever. We at least HAD HOPE. Now we don't. How ironic. "Recovering" means illness, pain, exhaustion, loss of self... the BINGES were what made life hell but GUESS WHAT WE'RE EXPECTED & OBLIGATED to do now?? "Recovery" here IS AN EATING DISORDER, to me, how this feels & looks. I want to throw up. I'm so overfull & sick & nauseous & bloated. When I go home I'm not gonna eat. Forget about "partial." Forget about their "recovery plan." What the heck are you recovering?? Garbage I threw away?? I want to be ABLE TO BREATHE & REST & SLEEP & EXIST. not this gluttonous horror of a "life." God I just want to give up. I'm so tired.
So what are my "hopes" for "recovery"? Well, I NEVER want to binge or overeat EVER AGAIN, once I'm out of this place. NO MORE FOOD. NONE. My other hope for recovery is to REMEMBER & USE all those DBT/CBT skills, all the workbook stuff, to HEAL FROM TRAUMA and COPE WITH ALL THESE AWFUL THOUGHTS & FEELINGS & SITUATIONS. I want to be ABLE TO BE GOOD. I want to be CAPABLE of becoming a saint, God willing. Getting my mental/emotional instability under control, understanding its roots & healing it, is my REAL GOAL, because THAT is DIRECTLY RELEVANT TO GETTING TO HEAVEN. Oh yes, I VERY much STILL WANT TO DIE. But this hellish eating disorder has dragged me so far away from God. Ironically, SO HAS "TREATMENT." My goal is for THAT to stop, and to GENUINELY devote ALL my time & energy & resources & attention TO RELIGION. NOT FOOD!!!
But on that note I DON'T KNOW if EITHER the System or the League TRULY fit into that goal of serving God & loving Him above all things. I've lost so much already; maybe God DOESN'T want me to have a sense of self, OR hobbies OR interests OR an innerworld. Maybe all of that is... to be lost. Like this WEIGHT.
How do I even live anymore? I keep joking that I'll "turn this body into a tank" but really I'm too bloody tired of it. I don't want to focus on it EVEN MORE, by working out all the time when I could be praying. But God is that realistic? like when I DID have the E.D. fulltime. I'd sleep for 9 to 12 hours and although I would fail by eating, I WANTED to pray & worship for like SEVEN HOURS. Is that possible? Is that truly wise? God how can I tell?? Nothing else matters but You. But I feel so sick & miserable. I want to puke. I should. I can't. God do You want me to? Would You be sad if I did? What should I do instead? What is YOUR purpose in this? How is this helping my soul? Is this just EXPLICIT PENANCE for all the binges? CAN I offer up this agony? God please help me, I'm so sick. I'm so tired. Please get me through tonight & tomorrow. Help me with those darn fluids so I stop obsessing. Please help me not to vomit. Please help me to know who I am... who YOU want me to be.



I AM AFRAID OF...
- how the thick body FEELS
- being so sick when eating
- increased anxiety & pain
- COPING with "trauma body"
- REALLY wanting to starve myself
- suicide
- self-abuse

I AM HOPING FOR...
- a muscular body eventually
- free time for Leaguework
- System bonding during struggle
- more radical trust in God
- penitential suffering
- (death)
- (life)

pre-breakfast//

OPEN YOUR EYES
OPEN YOUR MIND
OPEN YOUR HEART

BE COURAGEOUS!
GROWTH = CHANGE = RISK!
AND IT'S WORTH IT!!

FOOD IS MEDICINE!
REMEMBER: THE GOAL IS NUTRITION!
IN THAT REGARD, ALL THE CHOICES FOR EXCHANGES ARE RIGHT CHOICES!!

✳ Try not to hyperseparate/ isolate foods!
✳ Eat in a normal, common fashion, with good manners!
✳ Use condiments modestly & properly!

CALM DOWN, DON'T RUSH, STAY PRESENT!!

float on!


post-breakfast//

A vital realization: the ONLY self-preserving way to deal w/ sensory dissonance IS FOR THE CORE TO BE PRISMATIC!!! Jay tried to be, but failed in that he ultimately held it as an overlay-- Like iridescence; a soap-bubble sheen-- maybe even like paint?? But he only "wore" colors; I don't think he ever held them, let alone as a harmoniously UNITED whole! He saw himself as the white light, but NOT as the defined colors that the "prism of plurality" "BROKE him into"? There was a notable degree of self-preservative fear, and understandably so-- HE'S the Core that ended up SELF-ANNIHILATING by trying to "be EVERY color AT ONCE," with NO distinction or self-respect, striving to "be everything" for TBAS in order to "survive" AND "for them to still 'love' me," but only succeeding at losing ALL self through the trauma of "surviving" events we COULD NOT EVER CONSCIOUSLY ENDURE. I'm sorry if this is a mess. The point I'm trying to make is: he held it incorrectly. For the Core to GENUINELY be Prismatic, they must be able to "BE" EACH DISTINCT HUE, INDIVIDUALLY AND DISTINCTLY-- not as an undistinguishable "fusion"-- from the HEART, with all understanding & empathy, TOTALLY, but WITHOUT "locking into it" & excluding other hues to the effect of understanding/ accepting them WITHIN that distinction?? It's being ALL hues in essence, but DISTINCTLY, AND without "identifying as" any single one? EVEN WHITE! A Prism has to embrace the WHOLE SPECTRUM as a reality of BOTH white light & a rainbow AT ONCE. It's hard to explain, but my heart gets it. Prisms flow. There's no "grasping" or "attachment"; there's no "partiality" ultimately. A Prism LOVINGLY KNOWS, UNDERSTANDS, LOVES, RESPECTS, ACCEPTS, EMBRACES, EXPERIENCES, & EMBODIES THE WHOLE AS A UNITY OF "DISTINCT" PARTS! Like the Body of Christ! THAT'S WHO we're MEANT to reflect & be a GENUINE INDIVIDUAL PART OF, after all! So, as to how this applies to the food: it doesn't require imitation OR "exclusive identification" with sensory data. When eating the omelet, I can just BE in the NOW with it, perceiving its unique qualities and GRATEFULLY embracing them AS IS, because in my heart I LOVE ALL COLORS, and can let them color my heart WITHOUT "TURNING INTO" them, staying a PRISMATIC "WHITE" BEYOND AND WITHIN ALL THOSE HUES!! So I can FLOW, WITHOUT JARRING OR HARD "SWITCHES" OR RESISTANT "DISSONANCE," from hue to hue, RESPECTING THEIR INTEGRITY and not getting "attached" to any single one! But honestly? There's a "SECRET WEAPON" that facilitates this victory over confusion, and it is this: FOCUS ON GOD, NOT "SELF"!! After all, our TRUE SELF IS IN GOD!! He doesn't erase individuality-- He created us EACH as a unique work of art, for His joy & honor & service! THEREFORE, in order TO EVEN BE A "SELF" IN TRUTH, our TOTAL EXISTENCE MUST BE GROUNDED IN HIM, AND DIRECTED TOWARDS HIM, by LIVING WITH HIM IN LOVE, all by HIS GRACE through Jesus Christ, the WORD WHO CREATED ALL THINGS. So when I eat, and taste & see & smell & feel, I MUST prayerfully SEEK TO RECOGNIZE THE "FACETS" OF HIM IN ALL OF IT-- He being the ULTIMATE Light, Christ the PRISM of CREATIVE DISTINCTION, Speaking the hues of life into reality, the Spirit allowing us TO recognize HIM in all of it. And if THAT cognition is my true focus, NOT MYSELF/ OURSELF, then there CANNOT be dissonance OR rejection/ dislike, because it is ALL HONORED & APPRECIATED AS TANGIBLY REFLECTING SOME UNIQUE FACET OF THE CREATOR. There's a deeply refreshing & joyful freedom to no longer feeling "survival panic" over trying to stubbornly  "resist all outside "infectious influence/ contamination" (trauma response) and preserve a "separate sense of self."" That was exhausting & miserable. It's ALSO anti-Biblical!! We are a COMMUNION of Saints, a NATION of believers, a PEOPLE set apart as sacred, to be UNITED as ONE BODY in Christ! Furthermore, "he that seeks to SAVE his [worldly] life WILL LOSE IT, but he that LOSES his [worldly] life FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST will SAVE it"-- AND "FIND IT" in the first place!! Egocentric behavior, EVEN "to survive," kills the soul. It's prioritizing BIOS over ZOE. In truth it is IMPOSSIBLE to "lose one's self" through "self-sacrifice," as paradoxical as that sounds, because the sacrifice we make of self IS AS ONE WITH THE SACRIFICE OF CHRIST, whose "death to the world" opened the doors of TRUE, ETERNAL LIFE, through a Self UNITED TO GOD! So, when we sacrifice OUR "selves," we are OFFERING our individual "egos" TO GOD, FOR HIS GLORY, WITH LOVE, and through that offering of our "worldly" desires & impulses, we can enter into a UNITIVE WHOLE in which our TRUE, UNDYING LIFE is AS ONE with ALL life, "loving our neighbor AS OURSELF" and loving GOD IN & BEYOND ALL. And that IS true freedom, unshackled from the animalistic survival/ desire drives of fallen nature through restoration of Grace in Christ's Cross willingly embraced & entered into. "Dying to the world" frees us from its weight, and allows us to live in the "Kingdom of Heaven" EVEN NOW, by instead dedicating our wills to the Spirit's guidance; thus our life in this body slowly but surely enters into eternity even before our literal death & full participation in it. BUT IT'S WHAT WE WERE CREATED TO BE ALL ALONG! "Worldliness" is a DISTORTION, an UNTRUTH! So don't be fooled by it-- don't get tangled & lost! Ask the Spirit for illumination, discernment, & guidance-- He WILL help you! And KEEP READING SCRIPTURE. Saturate your mind & thoughts & attention & very heart with God's Word, the TRUTH that CAN & WILL drown out the cacophanous noise of the world with its beautifully melodious song. Christ will give you His Peace, more & more, the closer you cling to Him. Seek His Face, ALWAYS. He is seeking you, too! He LOVES you. Go to Him; He WILL help you do ALL you need to do IN Love. ♥
✳ A VITAL REALIZATION ABOUT COLORS... the "exclusive"/ "dissonance" opposition problem we're having with "matching vibes" is actually ILLOGICAL and PROVEN FALSE at its root-- after all, how could I/we KNOW HOW/ WHY hues are different & unique, if I/we DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THEM AT ONCE??? Like, we CAN only distinguish/ discern IF we have COMPLETE/ ENTIRE KNOWLEDGE!!! If I didn't understand HOW Orange is different than Yellow, I COULDN'T EVEN SEE THEM AS DISTINCT!!! You see that blurring a LOT in natural language-- WITHOUT a distinctly definitive WORD for a hue, it CANNOT be defined AS a hue-- and that WORD ONLY can be given THROUGH distinct knowledge! Again, that's the WHOLE PROCESS of the 7 Days of Creation: God using WORDS to DISTINGUISH one distinct thing from another, DEFINING each, BUT only having the CAPACITY TO do so THROUGH MUTUALLY "KNOWING" BOTH. Yes, the THINGS are distinct, but the KNOWING of WHY is held AT ONCE, BY THE ONE. In summary: We don't/ can't "forget" OR "invalidate" one hue JUST because we ALSO know/ recognize a DIFFERENT one, SIMULTANEOUSLY.
+ Some quick notes about ACTUAL breakfast-- I think food order DOES count? Today we ate the raisins right after the omelet, and it gave us indigestion! Next time, eat the omelet last-- not as an old "best for last" compulsion (we shouldn't be partial; be grateful equally for every food), but because oatmeal & raisins are more fluid-soluble & less dense! So we'll try that. TODAY we ALSO tried mixing some of the raisins INTO the oatmeal, which we were always afraid to do before-- and it actually tasted LOVELY. The texture complexity of chewy + fluid is a bit jarring, but it's a unique experience we should not fear, as it IS technically a proper combo! And honestly, raisins ARE both nicer & more palatable when they regain some moisture, which the mixing-in accomplishes. I must add that I did pour half of a creamer into the oatmeal. Perhaps at home that would be allowed, BUT here we are operating by SPECIAL & UNIT-SPECIFIC RULES, which MUST be obeyed with humility & happy submission. On the unit, putting creamer into the oats is NOT proper, BECAUSE it can RESEMBLE or even PROVOKE disordered "overmixing" OR "binge-fusing" behaviors! REMEMBER, we used to binge on creamer! And some folks do the mixing in order to "render a food inedible" w/ IMPROPER combinations, thus falsely "justifying" their restrictive behavior. Those are the reasons I can imagine, in which case Saint Paul's words come to mind in 1 Corinthians 10:23-33! "DO NOT BECOME A STUMBLING BLOCK TO ANYONE!" Set a holy example; NEVER do anything with even the appearance of offense/ sin; seek ALWAYS to edify others, and work for THEIR benefit & advantage, even by "sacrificing" certain freedoms of choice; and DO ALL THINGS SOLELY FOR THE GLORY OF GOD!!!



post-lunch//

I am being SHOCKINGLY COURAGEOUS today. For lunch I had CHOCOLATE CAKE, and I'm bravely about to try CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM. How shall I get through it? I will think of Mom & Grandma. ♥!!! THAT is my courageous motivation. God, give me Your strength of Love!! Please give me YOUR Peace, to NOT fear this INNOCENT food OR my body's potential suffering from it. Help me TRUST in Your SOVEREIGNTY, KNOWING that WHATEVER happens, in ALL circumstances, YOU ARE IN CONTROL, AND ARE DIRECTING EVERYTHING for the HIGHEST GOOD OF MY SOUL. And hey, if I DO "die," then I'm going to be with You, oh I pray, through the infinite Grace & Mercy of my Savior & Friend, Jesus Christ!! So let this little chocolate challenge be a vehicle of grace. Use this experience to bring me ever closer to You in TOTAL faith. Let all my hope & joy be in YOU. ♥



post-dinner//
 
THANKS BE TO GOD, I tasted the ENTIRE dinner, & the ice cream was JUST LIKE GRANDMA'S CHOCOLATE MARSHMALLOW. ♥ A victory!! I'm determined to overcome ALL my chocolate fears now-- WITH JESUS'S HELP, of course, or I WILL FAIL!! Remember that! I wrote out ALL my fears about each one, and I'm READY to face FIVE (!!!) of them immediately, bravely... but there are five more that TERRIFY me. Two aren't too bad (I hope!), but the other three? They have me shaking. But I want to be free of this fear SO BADLY. I took two HUGE steps already today; with GOD'S HELP I will take TWO MORE for snack. One isn't chocolate, but BOTH are HEAVILY tied to trauma. And... if God helps me through that tonight, then I pray... then with faith I will have the sheer fortitude to retry chocolate milk. TOMORROW. Because believe me, ONLY GOD CAN GET ME THROUGH THAT ONE! But just remember... "Of course I am willing! Be healed!" ASK, & HAVE FAITH! ♥

post-breakfast//

Lovely breakfast. Fearless omelet; peeled orange with NO mess OR anxiety; lovely tea; the PERFECT english muffin! Our only troubles: we bit the muffin in a "circle" & that guilt muted the data a bit. Please quit that habit; it does not help, nor does it make it "taste better"-- it has CONSISTENTLY proven to do the EXACT OPPOSITE! (BTW the cream cheese had been stored warm so it softened a LOT and that made it SO much nicer/ easier to eat!) Our second problem ties into yesterday-- I admitted that I LIKED the omelet, orange cheese & all, but THEN my weirdo brain said, "you can't like cheese; you don't match its vibe!!" You don't "match" its flavor/ texture-- YOU'RE no ORANGE!!" Same w/ the eggs: "YOU'RE not YELLOW!! And the "salt/fat" flavors clash COMPLETELY with YOUR vibe!!" THIS IS WHY I'M STRUGGLING WITH SELF-STABILITY. I have this frustrating, bizarre, yet "understandable" CONVICTION that one's personal integrity of individual identity is BETRAYED, VIOLATED, DAMAGED, even REJECTED outright IF/WHEN someone participates in/ CHOOSES to "take onto/ INTO oneself" / associates with something that is in DISHARMONY with their "vibe" OF personal distinct self??? Like, in this situation, I'm "choosing AND liking" an orange/ yellow food, with a salt/fat (heavy) flavor vibe, a "heavy"/ "cheesy" texture, AND a "heated" association? And NONE of those match me, SO, if/when I DO eat/like them, it feels like I'm REDEFINING (FORCIBLY!!) MY OWN IDENTITY/ SELF-INTEGRITY?? And dude that MIGHT ALSO be the ROOT of the PKMN-SV "omelet dread" w/ the Professors-- THEIR vibes CLASH HORRIBLY with omelets, too-- so it's like a crash/ scream of dissonant, PAINFUL mental NOISE inside, over & over, with neither food nor person ACTUALLY changing, but also with NO resolution or harmony, so it just CONTINUES, like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It HURTS. But that explains SO MUCH, AND finally gives us the clarity to HEAL/ CORRECT the situation!! On that note, SADA DOES MATCH BOTH orange cheese AND arguably mushrooms? BECAUSE OF HER AESTHETIC INTEGRITY. So there IS a little resonance! BUT she DOES NOT vibe with the OMELET, and honestly I DON'T WANT HER TO BE THE ASSOCIATED "DEFAULT PERSON" ANYWAY, as she's NOT OURS, NOR does she MATCH US!! So LET IT GO. Pokémon has been "corrupted" by the Internet anyway, and we don't "relate to" the new games either. LET IT GO, PLEASE. I can GUARANTEE you we can find someone SAFE in the LEAGUE who CAN/ DOES match the omelet ENTIRELY. But, again, honestly? EVEN THEN, I'M TIRED OF THESE MENTAL GYMNASTICS IN ORDER TO EAT WITHOUT FEELING VIOLATED, because YES, THAT'S the CORE fear-- it's "an outside influence FORCING itself inside ME and FORCIBLY "CHANGING/ CORRUPTING" OR "DESTROYING/ REPLACING" ME in order to make "me" INTO ITSELF." It's invasive, infectuous, parasitic... a contaminant. I DO like omelets, but WHY??? Does that mean I'm NOT actually RED or WHITE? That can't be true, because although I "appreciate" Orange & Yellow AS lovely colors CONCEPTUALLY, the very THOUGHT of CHOOSING them in relation to MYSELF FEELS like "betrayal" and legit makes me sick to my stomach with existential dread. Yellow can be lovely-- daffodils & lemons & swallowtails-- BUT to choose it feels wrong. It feels like I must REWRITE my entire self-concept TO "choose" it "rightly"= OTHERWISE it's that AGONIZING DISSONANCE inside, for as long as that "violation" lasts!! INTERESTINGLY, I'm wondering if my "LIKES" within Yellow ONLY CAN exist AS "likes" because they ECHO something in MY vibe?? And feeling that out, for Yellow, it's the BRIGHTNESS-- the LUMINOSITY, the JOY, the HOPE of its vibrancy. ORANGE is similar; significantly, I DO "slightly" vibe with it, moreso w/ vermilion. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT HAS RED IN IT, YOU DINGBAT! So I can "like" it with less dissonance, BUT STILL, the thought of being ORANGE is still WRONG. As a side note, BROWN is unusual-- since I DO have brown hair/ eyes there IS some affiliation, BUT I can only really feel "right" with PALE NEUTRALS??? NEVER "orange-browns"-- we ALL know the ANCIENT DREAD I get from clay & terracotta-- and never "chocolates," either, for obvious reasons. BUT, our piano has that deep cherry-brown wood and that feels better? And I do like (I think?) certain scents of both literal "soil" and coffee? BUT NOT leather, or mocha, or caramel? I've gotta investigate more. But you can get the essence of what I'm describing. My "neutral" fondness leans red/ GOLD, actually?? I like cream tints, but NOT "light yellow" OR "light pink," even? ONLY "ROSE"? (That's pastel RED!) Honestly my vibe there is basically COSMIC LATTE, which feels ABSOLUTELY RESONANT for the record.
✳ But as this topic is SO complex it CANNOT be fully expounded/ explored here, let's return to the current applicable distress that I am facing w/ food dissonance. Right now, I am not sure HOW to admit that I DO like something "dissonant" WITHOUT mangling my sense of self/ coherent identity?



post-lunch//

✳ POST-LUNCH, THERE HAS BEEN A DISTURBING REVELATION that ironically answers this ↑ question, albeit in an unfortunate way:
APPARENTLY WE ARE SWITCHING MULTIPLE TIMES DURING MEALS, IN ORDER TO PRESERVE "SELF-DISTINCTION," BUT WE NEVER NOTICED THE SUBTLE YET NOTABLE SHIFTS BECAUSE WE'RE ALWAYS SEVERELY DISSOCIATED. The difference today? We noticed we LACKED BASIC DATA for pepper, turkey, AND stuffing, so when we were mindfully trying to observe it (amidst inevitable automatic memory association intrusion), we had the idea to ask, "do I like this?" And the answer was a MESS. Apparently, "NO" IS STILL UNACCEPTABLE. And SOCIALS SEEM TO EXIST VERY MUCH FOR THAT REASON!!! Because when I tried to ACTUALLY "FEEL" MY INTERNAL RESONANCE IN COMPARISON, CHANGING THE UNDEFINED, MUTABLE "I" TO MY NAME, CONCRETE & SPECIFIC-- "does JEWEL like this?" (THIRD PERSON!!! turns it to DATA, NOT MORAL JUDGMENT??)-- the answer WAS NO!!! BECAUSE IT CLASHES WITH MY SELF-VIBE!! BUT THAT'S NOT ALLOWED, NOT SOCIALLY!!! So IMMEDIATELY the mind desperately, appeasingly protests, "but I DO like it"!! AND I FELT "MYSELF" PUSHED OUT AND A SOCIAL STEP IN. And she matched the turkey's vibe, so we COULD eat it. THAT'S WHY we need to "palate cleanse" between foods, WHY we never "taste anything" at first & take ages to finally get input (which is also WHY we save "good foods" for LAST-- when we CAN experience 'em!), AND the REAL reason WHY WE "NEED" TO EAT INGREDIENTS SEPARATELY!!! Literally ALL OF IT TIES BACK INTO THE SURVIVAL MECHANISM OF IRONICALLY "FRACTURING" OURSELF IN ORDER TO SURVIVE AS A "SELF" WITH DISTINCT PURPOSE/ INTEGRITY AMIDST "INCOMPATIBLE" LIFE CONTEXTS!!!!

✳ In light of the previous two pages, AND the social turmoil of the past week, we need to try & journal about our current trauma symptoms.
(1) One VERY talkative, suffering-focused, religious patient KEEPS interacting with us in ways that are EXHAUSTING all our reserves? And we don't know WHY. She keeps GIVING us gifts, with RELIGIOUS overtones, making us feel SO guilty for NOT WANTING GIFTS, and for NOT wanting TO be "religiously esteemed" as we are an UNWORTHY, FOOLISH, HYPOCRITICAL, STRUGGLING SINNER, AND the "pushing" of religion feels wrong; it's SO intimate for me, that other people "STEPPING IN" and IMPOSING THEIR DIRECTIONS on me is legitimately traumatic; it, too, is a spiritual VIOLATION? Of someone taking hold of the DEEPEST part of me, yanking it out and excitedly shouting, "I love Jesus too! Let's chat about it and sing songs!!" But I... I feel ripped open? I can't "chat about" Jesus, as much as I try-- He's TOO close in some sense? I WANT to worship Him, AND to care for His people, BUT bringing "MY" experience/ feelings into ANY religious context feels BLASPHEMOUSLY WRONG. So people handing me pictures of Jesus covered in poetry and WANTING ME TO SOCIALLY RESPOND TO HIM AS A CONVERSATION TOPIC is morally disgusting to me, and it actually made me SO ANGRY? Like I was being trapped, forced to either reject my Savior OR to treat Him irreverently. Either I "saved face" as being "seen as a Christian" BUT betrayed my actual faith, OR I "am not a real Christian" although I'm just trying to KEEP CHRIST SAFELY OUT OF SOCIALIZATION HELLS. So THAT has me wrecked. THE TRUE "ME," WHO IS A CHRISTIAN AND DOES LOVE JESUS, CANNOT EXIST/ FRONT IN AN INTERACTIVE CONTEXT!!!!! I HAVE TRIED. FOR YEARS. BUT IT'S NOT MY JOB and so EVERY TIME-- IN ORDER TO PRESERVE MY UNIQUE EXISTENCE-- I GET SWITCHED OUT FOR A SOCIAL. BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE SOCIAL, THEY ARE EXTERNALLY ANCHORED, AND SO THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE RELIGIOUS!! Without a sense OF "inner being," YOU CAN'T EVEN PRAY. They are "OF THE WORLD" in order for us to "survive" in it, AND TO PROTECT ALL OUR INNER PEOPLE FROM BEING CORRUPTED/ VIOLATED BY IT AND DYING, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN NORTH CAROLINE WHEN TBAS DRAGGED EVERYONE OUT INTO LETHAL SOCIAL CONTEXTS!!! So yeah, it's NO WONDER why we become SUICIDALLY DEPRESSED when we're consistently FORCED into interactive/ social situations: not only does it require ANNIHILATION of self-integrity, spiritual sincerity, AND safety needs, IT LITERALLY IS KILLING US to stay in those situations.
(2) ↑ The second big problem with this patient: SO MUCH TALK. She traumadumps AND overshares AND seeks constant validation? Like it tragically feels like her admitted lack of self-worth is driving her to almost demand approval/ acclaim? In groups & during trivia, she CONSTANTLY goes off on long, overly personal & detailed tangents, ALWAYS specifically mentioning "achievements" or "praiseworthy" things she has done, seen, OR endured?? AND we RECOGNIZE this, admittedly, with notable frustration, BECAUSE WE CAN & DO SPEAK LIKE THAT WHEN WE'RE SELF-FOCUSED & FIXATED ON OUR SUFFERING, and are SO swallowed up by self-hatred & unworthiness that our ONLY "way out"-- as far as we can see in that state-- is EXTERNAL DELIVERANCE, via reassurances that we're "NOT hateful," "NOT unworthy," that we "HAVE worth," and "HAVE suffered"!!! And she seems to be seeking EXACTLY THAT. But... there's no real room OR opportunity for that? There's NO direct asking, or revelation of motives-- JUST TALK, and constant emphasizing that she IS fighting, she IS trying, "BUT"... she also reiterates that she's "stuck" and "DOESN'T believe" the validation. So what do you do? I feel like an ass saying it but it's utterly exhausting, emotionally & mentally, trying to PROCESS the sheer amount of quickly-spoken, HEAVY personal info, while ALSO striving to figure out, "what does she WANT by telling me this? What does she NEED? And why ME? What does she see/ assume/ want in ME specifically, and CAN I even meet that need-- WITHOUT hurting my own psyche in the effort?" And the fatal problem here is... no, I can't.
(3) I STILL care about her as a human being. I even got her a gift today. BUT I DON'T want her to know it was me. If I can, I'll sneak it onto her desk. But the point is, I DON'T HATE OR DISLIKE HER. I don't want to "avoid" her or make her feel unwanted/ rejected. BUT I'M COLLAPSING UNDER THIS SOCIAL STRESS & "FORCED" INTERACTION to the point where my emotions are TANKING, I'm isolating and SELF-ABUSING and I constantly want to cry or throw up or hide or die. I can't pull my thoughts together. I cry in the showers. I collapse into bed numb, I have nightmares & fitful sleep, I don't want to wake up. ALL of that from the SIMPLE INESCAPABLE, CONTINUAL, IMMEDIATE THREAT SHE (UNKNOWINGLY) POSES TO MY MENTAL/ EMOTIONAL HEALTH & STABILITY. I'm running on empty and I can't refuel because when I sit down at my table to reflect or read or journal or work or anything,
(4) She CAN and DOES come over and SIT RIGHT NEXT TO ME and my brain just SHUTS DOWN FROM FEAR. it's overwhelming instant trauma panic. I told Staff and I assume they told her BUT she did it AGAIN, and in ANY case her preferred seat now is the "bar" table RIGHT NEXT TO ME. So the hypervigilance & "fight or flight" response prep NEVER TURNS OFF NOW. I am burned out. It's getting intolerable, as selfish as that makes me sound. But realistically, that risk of self-mangling compulsive & extensive interaction IS REAL and it IS CONSTANT as long as we're both in this unit. I pray she finds a DIFFERENT PATIENT to talk to & give stuff to & sit next to, because I AM NOT THE RIGHT CHOICE. I CANNOT MEET HER NEEDS, even though I'VE BEEN TRYING TO. It's just wrecking me and it's NOT going to help her, either. So God, please, redirect her to someone better & kinder & friendlier & STABLE! I'm just the awful disaster that God throws at people to help them realize "they deserve better." It's true. It's happened with multiple people and this is just another stitch in the pattern. I'm just not good for anyone. I'm just... not a good person. i try but I fail miserably, because I'm a hypocrite. I'm self-obsessed and stubborn and impatient and proud and inconsiderate and I hate that, I hate ALL of it, God You KNOW I honestly WANT TO BE GOOD but I CAN'T be, not on my own, not without humility & repentance & surrender, not without grace & mercy, not without Jesus. Not without God. I try too damn hard and I don't pray enough. I'm too damn scared and I don't trust enough. I'm too damn blinded by pain and I'm not grateful enough. I'm a miserable excuse for a Christian, if I even count as one. God help me, I'm so sorry I can't help her, either. All I can do is pray. All I WANT to do is pray. Take "me" out of the equation. I don't want to talk, I don't want to perform, I don't want her to look to me or even think about me. I want her to RELY ON GOD ALONE and please, please God help me to do the same.

pre-breakfast//

QUICK BUT ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL morning notes:
+ Emotional ROLLER COASTER w/ shower. MANIC SOCIAL thinking about "what music to pick if asked" (decided on Jackson 5); considering getting a Litwick plush if personally applicable. Internal upset AT mania; "I don't want to be like this" "this isn't me" BUT couldn't "stop." A different manic (Jack?? "David-Tennant-looking-ass"; flirty, invincible, "most popular man in the room" vibe?) took over hard; could NOT feel sad OR even acknowledge pain when an unseen internal Navy foni punched the leg TO try & feel both and/or switch!! This SPIKED mania as a "violent shutoff" for "not real/ legitimate" "negative" emotions? Demonic crazy grin on body, while near mirror. Seeing this face triggered vivid TBAS FLASHBACKS, CROWNED BY HAIRSTYLE: flattened sides & spiked top. Everything was unsafe; dysmorphia raging. Then, UNEXPECTEDLY: noticing wet & emphasized eyelashes = instantly changed ENTIRE overlay to FEMALE!!! New, positive, BALANCER foni appeared to match. RED-VIOLET "QUEEN"? FIRST SOLID ONE. Balancer; not manic or depressive, BUT acknowledging BOTH without being either! "Bittersweet" heart. Color like a wine glass or garnet in the light. Chose/ fit the name ALENA, from "Magdalena"-- female bodies STILL defined as "whores" REGARDLESS of fronter; Alena's hope was to signify HEALING, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION from that specifically.
★ Wearing GLASSES changes overlay INSTANTLY. Alena cannot wear them, but (we hope) neither can Jack? The RED color of our glasses helps a TON. Also, MANICS CANNOT WEAR OUR MEDALS. They get angry & obstinate & rebel against "feeling chained down to the Cross." Alena said "that's the whole point." (Laurie EMPHATICALLY agrees.)
+ Momentary "blackout" between exiting bathroom & going to bedroom window; hallmark of "social context" automatic dissociation
+ Sunrise. Simple ROYGBIV muted gradient; no clouds. BUT it's the second day of autumn and it must be cold at last because what did we see but CHIMNEY SMOKE!!! ♥ First REAL sign that the season has switched too!
↑ LAURIE came out, to elaborate that thought; we couldn't find the "right" word-- she asked Shirley & Sirius for help and they BRIEFLY FRONTED to speak with her! Words like "harbinger," "signpost," "indicator" didn't fit. Laurie said "messenger," then laughed & concluded, "chimney angels."
+ ↑ Brief mention of Q with "chimney sweep muses" art. "No hatred" but lingering fear towards him for 2012, despite lingering affection as well. "Father FORGIVE them for they KNOW NOT." Same with OV; we pity them? BUT STILL LOVE & MISS them deep down, WITHOUT denying the pain & damage & fear & anger & NEED to forgive. But we DO love them, both of them, which ENABLES forgiveness!!!
★ (btw GIVE THIS TO INFI; ze holds the CORE TRAUMA from CNC and ze is AFRAID TO EXIST still, even now, because of it. Ze NEEDS to come back & BE with us; without hir heart we CANNOT ACTUALLY HEAL!!!)
★ Apparently we have DIFFERENT ARCHIVISTS AND DATA "COMMUNICATORS" FOR MANAGEMENT OF EMOTIONAL VS LOGICAL (FACTUAL) DATA!!! Depending on what KIND of information it is, ONLY CERTAIN NOUSFONI CAN PROCESS/ SPEAK/ WRITE IT!!! Warm vs cool "undertones," typically. Shirley & Sirius fit this. ALSO there is a "neutral Gray" Archivist we THOUGHT was "Quicksilver" because they're BOTH a darker gunmetal gray, but Quick was NOT neutral. This guy-- who spoke briefly to both Alana (in the washroom) and our typical "emote-data writer" (me!! ♥)-- is currently vibing with the name "Sterling." (That's close enough to "Stellar," haha!) So we'll see what our future holds with getting to know him & all the other nousfoni who may/do hold those roles, as they obviously DO exist, but we never had the means to SEE or even KNOW they COULD/ DID exist until now, this morning!
★ THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between an ANCHOR and a ROOT! An "anchor" is something PUT DOWN to hold someone firmly in that specific place; a ROOT is something one GROWS FROM as an initial locked-in place!!
+ Brief return to the sunrise-- the "warm color" gradient DISTURBED us, AS ALWAYS. Reminded us of "westerns." Why that intense, ancient fear for both? "Jess" came out (!!)

sunrise beauty: what we instinctively & viscerally recognize AS beauty, finds its ORIGIN & DEFINITION IN THE FACE OF CHRIST JESUS!!! When I look at Him, I see BEAUTY, literally PERFECTED.
★ Things ARE ONLY "beautiful" BECAUSE something in them ECHOES Christ's beauty. When I look at Him, I see everything that I label AS beautiful in the sunrise, but CLEARLY, ESSENTIALLY-- not "through a glass darkly."
THAT'S WHY HEAVEN IS THE BEATIFIC VISION; all Creation is just dim reflection of (and yearning for) that true, absolute, complete, real, total bliss.

+ Group recommending "fidget objects" for coping = we've NEVER TRIED them because we label "stimming" as SILLY? like, "why even try it; physical "coping" isn't legitimate." BUT OUR SYMPTOMS ARE!!! SO why NOT meet them on that same level? HONESTLY DO TRY THEM, TO STOP JUDGING/ ALIENATING OTHERS at least!!


post-breakfast//

Cornflakes, blueberry muffin, banana, egg, apple juice, soymilk, french vanilla tea, 2 creamer, 1 s&p.

MUFFIN)
Thoughts of mom! ♥ No fear after that. Alana caught the unique blue/red vibe of the berries and TRIED to front to taste it, but she can't come out while eating (OR with glasses on)-- that would distort her function! But she appreciated the idea. Note: don't put fingers in mouth to "get crumbs."

CORNFLAKES)
HEALED!!! BY CO-FRONTING. "Red & blue" socials-- soygirl & a magenta (?) who KNEW the job! ALSO DAD!!! Talking to him HELPED SO MUCH. "Soymilk is too sweet for me, but it's good for you-- you're just as sweet yourself!" "Sugar isn't bad; it's a great source of energy, and it'll give you all the extra push you need to do all your running today." Soy said the very thought of work made HER exhausted emotionally. "I want to work but I get so overwhelmed & I burn out." Magenta sister replied "Then I'll do that work for you! You don't have to push yourself to do anything that's going to hurt you. I'll do the burny work; you can do the quieter thoughtful important things, like the sweeping & stocking shelves. We still need & want your help! Just do what's meant for YOU, and I'll do what's not!" Dad added: "I'll talk to your boss and let her know to let you rest like that if you get overwhelmed. They don't want you burning yourself out either; I know I sure don't! I don't want to see you looking so sad & tired all the time! I care about you, Jessie, and so do the people you work with. They'd all be happy to help you, so don't be afraid to ask. (There's nothing wrong with asking for help!)" Lots of hugs and "I love you"s. Soymilk now POSITIVE but not the cornflakes? Mentioned. Dad: "You know the Native Americans grew corn as a staple crop. They used it for everything; it kept them alive when winter came. You're the same way. You're sweet & give people energy like the soymilk, but you're also soft & strong like the cornflakes. You can help keep people alive, too, by giving of yourself. People need what you have to give them, Jessie, and God made you just the way you are for that reason. Just like your breakfast." She was SO DEEPLY COMFORTED. Her color reflected the pure serene blue of a calm sky.
★ HOWEVER. Two more things! First, the "vibe" of the cereal as a whole is NOT BLUE-- its true inherent tone DOESN'T VIBE WITH HER, OR HER SISTER! It's gold, a RARE Yellow-group POSITIVE food combo (Soymilk ITSELF is neutral-ish? COLD leans blue; vanilla leans yellow?) that no one concretely matches (yet). SO. We told her, she doesn't HAVE to anchor to it! Its association has CHANGED now, via healing, AS HAS HERS-- her old memory anchor is now ONLY a memory; the "reality" has CHANGED and so remembering what WAS now INCLUDES a golden ray of FUTURE HOPE that actively renews the healing and PREVENTS getting stuck in old, now-nonexistent contexts! Yes, at that time in history, we WERE miserable. BUT NOW we have infused that time AS PERSONAL PAST with HOPE & TRUTH, and so even if literal history CANNOT be changed, SPIRITUAL "NOW" CAN CHANGE HOW THAT HISTORY UNFOLDS. Therefore, NOTHING in our past is a "death sentence." There is ALWAYS FORGIVENESS, ALWAYS a chance for MERCY & REDEMPTION. The Cross, too, occurred at only one historical point, but spiritually it is FOREVER-- and AS SANCTIFICATION & GRACE!!! Death was defeated in time ONCE, and so now FOREVER it is POWERLESS! So too with our past trauma. The Crucifixion DID happen, bloody & horrific. That's FACT, and cannot be changed. BUT, outside of linear time, that SAME event unfolds in LOVE & HOPE unto ETERNITY-- an event ALL SOULS can & DO participate in RIGHT NOW!! So that mercy & forgiveness can & do TANGIBLY, PERSONALLY, ACTIVELY redeem ALL people. Likewise, in our linear Now, we can send our healing love & mercy & forgiveness-- FROM CHRIST-- to ALL our past times & selves as PART of our NOW, & heal them FOREVER. ♥

BANANA)
Fear food= trauma suggestion, tied to elephants & monkeys, associated w/ Jade. Put all that aside & focused on the GOD-CREATED WONDER of its pure existence: the texture, the way it shimmers in light, the seeds! Fruit's existence in general is fascinating. God is SO Good. That helped us refocus. We also DIDN'T cut it off, remove the peel entirely, OR bite/eat the peel!

EGG)
Again, SO much nicer plain. The s&p are COMPULSIVE; try NOT using them. "But salt is holy!" NOT IF IT'S BEING ABUSED VIA COMPULSION!! If you feel "obligated" to eat it-- EAT, not "season"-- then DON'T. That's "opposite action" coping! It helps you REGAIN PROPER CONTROL over your compromised willpower. Right now, we're a slave to seasoning. We "can't" say no to it! And that's NOT A MORAL DECISION-- IT'S AN ADDICTION. Conscience doesn't go into moral panic if it doesn't put salt on a meal just because Jesus told a parable about it. Guess what? THAT'S IDOLATRY!! You're so focused on the literal SALT, you MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT. So yeah, honestly, "fasting" from salt right now WOULD be the "morally proper" decision! Regain the freedom to CHOOSE that God created you with!! Honor Him with it!
+ The new girl on the unit is a KID, and her being so upset triggered out NIER. He was deeply upset by her thinness; he wanted to feed her the eggs his chickens laid to make her healthy & strong. Ate it for her. REALLY locked in sense data?? Just from having a CONCRETE PERSON eat, not just an "observer" of memory! REMEMBER THAT! Nousfoni do help immensely, but the ULTIMATE goal is to be able to CONSCIOUSLY eat as ONE CORE SELF, whoever the true "me" is, without switching for every food-- BUT that means we NEED A SOLID CORE SENSE OF "SELF," FIRST!!! Hence all the historical self-memory healing we're focusing on. Who "I" was as a child is REAL. There's a true heart in there somewhere. God help us find it.

FRENCH VANILLA TEA)
Surprisingly warm & mellow, like the blue tootsie rolls! Too yellow in tone to match our core, BUT!!! Instead of b&w "like or dislike" compulsive automatic judgments, we REALIZED: yeah it's not OUR vibe, BUT IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S-- someone HUMAN!!!! Other people like different things from us, which we personally "can't grasp" FROM AN ISOLATED PERSPECTIVE. BUT once we EXPERIENCE this different data, WE CAN EMPATHIZE, UNDERSTAND, & HAVE COMMUNION WITH THEIR UNIQUENESS: "if they vibe with THIS, then their SOUL has a vibe like this" = WE CAN KNOW THEIR SOUL BETTER, & SHARE IN THEIR EXPERIENCES.



post-lunch//

Pizza, Greek salad, ranch dressing, orange juice, 1 parmesan, 2 salt 3 pepper, 2 tea 2 creamer

★ Realized our perspective is: "You CAN FAIL AT EATING." We set "arbitrary" rules and if we mess up even a little, we feel UTTERLY DEVASTATED & COMPELLED TO "START OVER" & "DO IT RIGHT"... "OR ELSE." That FEAR of real but unspecified PUNISHMENT is SO POWERFUL and RE-TRIGGERS THE BULIMIC "EMERGENCY EXIT" RESPONSE. It ALSO explains why we RESTRICT: EVERY meal is another RISK, a chance to FAIL and SUFFER FOR IT-- AS A BAD PERSON. Our "failure" to do right means WE must BE "wrong"!! "Bad people do bad things!" So "failure" is DAMNING & UNACCEPTABLE.
+ We thought, "you can't drink OJ with pizza. At home, the family ONLY drank GRAPE juice with pizza." SO, "if I don't drink grape juice with it, I HAVE FAILED TO DO THE RIGHT THING." therefore I feel COMPELLED to THROW IT UP and START OVER RIGHT!!
We turn every meal into a MORALITY PERFORMANCE with impossible choreography. So we either AVOID the risk, OR we try to purge every failure-- which ALWAYS happened with that mindset!! It's TERRIFYING. If we "choose wrong" we are DAMNED. We've DISOBEYED, so we SINNED, by REBELLING AGAINST GOD'S DIRECTION and being willfully obstinate.
★ PURGING "RESTORED" OUR PURITY, BOTH MORALLY & PHYSICALLY. It was our confessional & our absolution. Only emptiness was safe/ Good, in the end. ALL eating became too morally ambiguous/ threatening, as we COULD and DID ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO CONDEMN, therefore MANDATING the penitential purge-- or else, WE WOULD LITERALLY "GO TO HELL"-- at least physiologically. And it WAS hell, every single day.
✳ Related to breakfast data: "LIKE/ DISLIKE" feels morally wrong, YET eating something that we intuitively "don't "enjoy"" feels DISTURBING to our SENSE OF SELF. We feel like, if we "don't like pizza," BUT still eat it, then "WHO ARE WE, REALLY??" We "can't resonate with two opposing responses!!" But see? We DON'T SEE IT AS "INNOCENT" PREFERENCE/ OPINION, EITHER. Dislike = REJECTION of others WHOSE SOULS DO RESONATE WITH IT. But TO eat that thing that DOESN'T harmonize with our core is a TRAUMATIC "OVERRIDE" OF SELFHOOD: an external "virus" trying to REWRITE who we ARE at heart. It's INTENSELY PERSONAL. THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH TRAUMA TIED TO "PEOPLE-PLEASING/ IMITATIVE EATING" = we LOSE OURSELF in PHYSIOLOGICALLY "IDENTIFYING WITH/ AS" THE OTHER by eating THEIR favorite foods obsessively. And why? Because, IF we love them OR WANT to love them, WE CANNOT "REJECT" THEM (OR SAY "NO" TO THEM; also rejection)!!! ALL "OPPOSITION" TO THEIR SELFHOOD IS UNACCEPTABLE. Our "only option" is to LIKE/ IDENTIFY WITH EVERYTHING THEY DO.
★ THAT is why, right now in recovery, we NEED "food socials" of a hyperspecialized sort-- nousfoni whose vibes are ROOTED in the vibes of ANY & IDEALLY ALL FOODS that are dissonant with the "core" self! THAT way, we can both HAVE a self, AND "match/ meet" the self of others! NO refusal, NO boundaries, NO dissonance, NO conflict.
★ ↑ All that hit HARD for lunch. The salad had feta cheese (Jade), olives & banana peppers (OV), tomatoes (grandma), and ranch dressing (unknown but possibly also OV). And we, idiotically, added parmesan (Lou/ grandpa). So we were a MESS mentally. We dissociated HARD because the sheer NOISE of data sources was so overwhelming. Plus we think we had a pollen allergy response to the lettuce (again)?? Muscle tics, breathing restricted, itchy, stuffy nose. So we're scared & sick on top of all that. But, splinters of the Cross. Carry it humbly.
★ Pizza is NOT our vibe AT ALL but so many people DO love it; it's SUCH a huge barrier between us & our community. It seems like EVERYONE likes pizza, so if WE don't, we are EXCLUDED from "everyone." WE ARE SO HEARTBROKEN/ UPSET/ TERRIFIED over that. But we still cannot seem to MAKE ourselves like it? We WANT to, ESPECIALLY since it was GRANDMA'S LAST MEAL!!!!! if we don't SHARE in that... we would rather die. So we MUST like pizza, AS OURSELF. Yes I'm sure we can "birth" a nousfoni for it (there are ALREADY "old Italian matron" seeds) BUT THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE WHOLE PIZZA = COMMUNITY MEAL point. Church outings, childhood parties, dinner at Mom's, post-church Lawrence Welk memories-- ALL of it involves PEOPLE TOGETHER and WE need to be "ME" in order TO participate!!!
★ Unfortunately there IS pizza trauma. Tomato sauce between bread & cheese looks like blood oozing from a garish place. And it is MESSY, with that gore getting on one's fingers. It's EXPLICIT trauma similarity. Plus MC & OV always ate it, AND it's a binge-suffocation terror trigger. But THOSE EXPERIENCES DO NOT CHANGE THE TRUTH OF REALITY, which is that those negative associations AREN'T DEFINITIVE OR PERMANENT! Beneath & beyond that, there is a pure & simple EXISTENCE, from which CHRIST bestows ALL food as HIS GIFT, forever untouched by human fears.
✳ INSTEAD of "switching out with" food-vibe nousfoni in order TO eat those foods, EAT WITH THEM IN COMMUNION!!! That is the IDEAL option for EVERYONE-- it preserves core individuality, enables direct empathy, practices social eating contexts, etc. Share their heart WITH them, and share YOURS-- so you can do that PHYSICALLY with your fellow man! DO ALL OF IT WITH COMPASSION. ♥



post-dinner//

Breaded pork chops with gravy; mashed potatoes; butter; shortbread cookies; whole milk; 3 salt & 3 pepper; 2 tea 2 creamer

PORK)
Surprisingly lovely. Soft, nice texture, and purely positive flavor! We expected trauma, but found NONE. Thanks be to God! (Mom later told me SHE had pork chops for dinner, too, which warmed my heart SO MUCH. ♥ That's COMMUNION even now, and future hope!)

POTATOES)
According to direction, we put the butter ON the potatoes-- which was actually a SMART & PROPER action that we would never have chosen on our own (which is WHY obedience & trust are KEY), because the butterfat SLOWS THE GLUCOSE SPIKE potatoes always seem to give!! THAT'S why people put butter & sour cream & bacon on them!! See? Our compulsive hyper-individualizing of ingredients is PRACTICALLY UNHEALTHY. Still, SO is hyper-mixing! There is a WISE & prudent middle ground, the "straight & narrow path." Seek that even ground and walk with Him. ALSO! Even if it turns unexpectedly, it is STILL CLEAR; there are no tumultuous shifts or swerves. The end goal is CERTAIN-- God Himself as our King and Love-- and with Christ ALWAYS walking with us as both Leader & Companion, we CANNOT get lost or confused or misdirected. No matter WHAT we may face in life, IF we just TRUST Him and OBEY His guidance, our feet shall not slip; we shall remain on that sure & sacred road.

LORNADOONE SHORTBREAD)
We were literally JUST thinking about Saint Nicholas (Santa Claus) being a PERFECT example of "fat ≠ bad; even SAINTS CAN BE FAT", and then we get milk & cookies! Gosh it's actually so heartwarming. It makes me look forward to Christmas with even MORE joy!! ♥ They were SHOCKINGLY delicious, both in taste & texture! It was unexpectedly so, so nice. There's also NO immediate association, so it was a pure experience. A NOTE, though-- DON'T take a sip of the milk WITH the cookie in your mouth! It feels messy & undignified, AND it increases choking risk, PLUS it muddles the data way too much. We should really focus on mindfully, prayerfully, gratefully paying honest attention to ONE thing at a time while we learn & heal.



post-snack//

Harvest cheddar Sun Chips.
Thinking about ORANGE: EMBER DAYS, SUNSETS, etc. LIST!!
harvest = bounty of God's fruits, memento mori-- "oil in lamps," thanksgiving TRULY. prepare to preserve life through winter; God feeds His obedient children.
cheese = MILK, at heart! AGED, "to feed her children still when she, too, is old"; feeds children in winter when there is no literal "birth"? CRONE sacredness, as it were. perpetuated motherhood nurturing. cheese an ANCIENT common food anyway. DON'T DENY-- WE DO LIKE IT TOO!!
"dirty" cancelled BY JESUS!! "eat WITH sinners"; vs ALOOF PHARISEE "CLEAN." Jesus would absolutely get chip dust on His fingers right with the poor!

+ HAD to mostly open bag to prevent filthy hands from reaching in. not ready yet. DID challenge obsessive "order"/ crumbing. "LEAVE THE GLEANINGS" & treasure EACH bite; no "HAVE to" eat certain pieces. MORE FREEDOM OF CHOICE RESTORED! also, NO biting INTO chips; that's mincing. Eat normal; don't be too proud to laugh at yourself if you drop a piece, WITHOUT going into "animal" mode!! BE MEEK WITH HONOR!