the spectrum heart cathedral system

THE PRISMBLOOD CATHEDRAL SYSTEM

~2000-2015+



GENERAL INFORMATION

According to our therapists, we have what is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. In our terms, this simply means that we are a multitude of individuals all residing within one physical body.
We are an unusual case however, as our System was created specifically to function internally, as this was not only our original core's "default" state of existence, but also because we experienced significant inner trauma more often than we experienced outer trauma. Because of this, most of our members rarely "front" in the body as they have no need to (their roles concern our inner life).
Due to a lack of social interaction, a rather dysfunctional family, and an all-consuming imagination, the original child grew up with a very unusual view of reality, colored by magical thinking and an ignorance of how other, non-troubled individuals functioned. As this way of life did not alter until the body was about 17, our inner world reflects this weird and wonderful perspective.
Our System runs on a set of complex but fantastic rules, which some have compared to an RPG or a video game, but which is honestly how our core individuals see the world. There is a great deal of symbolism here, as well as a great emphasis on the power of thought, and the importance of love. Despite the terrors we have  all experienced, our lives together make a strangely inspiring tapestry of growth and wisdom, a long and arduous tale that ultimately reaches a happiness we once thought unattainable. The often "fantastic" operations of our inner world only serve to compliment that, helping us all believe that nothing is impossible, and that we can all rise above and beyond the painful dregs of fear we were born from.

 

VOCABULARY
We have a large and varied vocabulary of System-related terms that are often confusing or vague to those outside of headspace, or unaware of our structure. Following is an alphabetical list of those terms, with definitions.

active: A term meaning "actively accessible or functioning." Refers to both alters and locations.

alter: Interchangeable with "headvoice."

anchor: The "purpose" of a headvoice, and a requirement for manifestation. Anchors occur when sufficient mental energy is focused on a certain quality or concept that is detached from other System members. This collected energy then coalesces into a headvoice, who then acts as both a protector and manifestation of that concept or quality, which in turn becomes their "function." Anchors can be benevolent or malevolent, and they can change, although this is a difficult process. Anchors will bond to fitting Spectrum colors if and when they become strong or important enough within the System. Also see "function."
anchor, level: The level of headspace that a headvoice typically (or exclusively) lives and works within. This level is determined by function, but is unaffected by color. Level anchors can only change if an alter's function changes accordingly (a rare and difficult process), or if they are promoted to Central.
anchoring: The process of finding, solidifying, or gaining an anchor. Often interchangeable with "manifestation" when the individual anchoring has not had a solid form prior to doing so, and gains one afterward.

archivists: Alters whose function it is to manage and distribute stored memory information to other alters. Originally called "data voices."

atonement: The process of physically scarring the body in order to "bleed out" internal corruption, as is the mandatory post-hack procedure. Atonement began in 2010 when the true motive of hacks was discovered.

atoners: Old name for Retributors.

beetles: Insects first seen in the Chthonic levels, color unknown. They appear to be benevolent, and helped save Infinitii's life.

blackspace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Blackspace deals with organics and the subconscious. It is an unending realm of raw Black energy, effectively the "cosmic womb" that every alter manifests from in both body and mind. Blackspace is "below" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, liquid black ocean with no surface or walls. It is spherical in form. It cannot be consciously manipulated. Infinitii, and possibly all daemons, are intrinsically linked to this space.

body map: Also "bodymap." The visual correlation between Headspace's vertical level structure and the physical body. Roughly, Central corresponds to the brain while the Chthonic levels correspond to the lower abdomen/ base of spine.

Blood Lotus Cathedral: A massive, lotus-shaped cathedral, originally discovered and formed as the "soulspace" of the 2012 Core. Although originally located in floatspace, it has since become the "heart" of Central City. It is a highly enigmatic location in recent times. May also be used as a collective "story" term for our System's past experiences.

bubblespace: The specific floatspace pocket that Infinitii resides in.

cathartic block: The situation in which an individual is unable to express and fully comprehend emotions. This is common with Plague infestation, or when Fogbank is fronting.
Central: A specific area of upper headspace within Central City, the first area to manifest in our entire inner world. It resembles a penthouse suite, located at the top of a skyscraper, overlooking the City. It has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for the Spectrum Cores in our System, who typically reside and work there. "Central" may also be used as a collective term to refer to those alters.

Central City: The main area of headspace: a small NYC-like city bordering an ocean and two large forests. Its geography resembles Rio de Janeiro.

Centralite: Any single member of Central.

channel: An "open path" in the mind/body that a headvoice uses in order to front, speak, or write.

chthonics: Alters that natively reside in the Chthonic level.

co-fronting: When two or more alters are driving the body at the same time.

color core: See "Spectrum core."

color realms: See "Realms."

core color: See "Spectrum core."
core: See "System core."
connection: In the proper context, this is a term for an act of intimate spiritual "bonding" between two or more individuals in headspace. This is a term borrowed from the Dream World Leagueworld, as it is essentially the same process. Connections can also vary in "color."

daemon: A heartspace creature born from the hidden shadows/vices of an individual: essentially, a manifestation of "what you are afraid of within yourself." A daemon is meant to promote total self-love and acceptance, while not sugarcoating or ignoring those darker sides. The daemon phenomenon has currently only been observed in humans within the System.

daemon realms: Isolated floatspace pockets that daemons typically reside in for the sake of safety and secrecy.

data voices: Original term for the Archivist alters.
destabilization: Existential "decay" that occurs when a headvoice loses their anchor, due to function collapse or corruption. It is often lethal.

downstairs: A term used to refer to the physical world/life outside of headspace: essentially what our body must participate in to survive.
driving: a term for the process of a headvoice directly and consciously controlling the physical body. Adopted because this often feels like driving a car or similar machine, something separate from the actual self. Interchangeable with "fronting."

ego:

a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness
faceless: Literally, "without a manifested form." Most socials, splinters, and voices are faceless, and therefore very hard to identify.

faceless voices: Any headspace-originated "voice" that does not have a manifested form. Not interchangeable with 'floating voices.'

floating voices: A non-alter "voice" heard outside the head. These voices can be either helpful or actively harmful, usually the latter, yet it is often difficult to tell the difference. They may claim to be angels, demons, aliens, guides, etc. Floating voices predate the System's formation by several years. They also appear to be frightened or intimidated by System members, especially Laurie and Infinitii, and will "disappear" if such individuals make themselves known.

floatspace: Any visitable place in headspace/heartspace that has no fixed location, or which exists specifically in a non-physical place. These locations are frequently "self-contained" and very small.

fragment: …

See "splinter."

neutrality splinter. conscious in trauma or meltdowns. goal is to simply exist of the world
unhinged, emotionless, deep inspiration drive, possible alternate creation ability, silent, fragile, strange, detached, connected. despite unsettling demeanor, feels universally, completely open
fronter: A headspace individual who regularly fronts in the body, or if used in the active sense, the current individual doing so.
fronting: When a headvoice directly controls the body as its presenting consciousness. Interchangeable with "driving."

function: The role which a headvoice is sworn to fulfilling. Headvoices with unstable or unclear functions can die from the lack of stabilization, while those with "function overload" may corrupt to an equally lethal extreme. Also see "anchor."

function, inborn: A function that was inherent in an alter upon their manifestation.

function, inflicted: A function that was bestowed upon an alter after their manifestation. This is rare, and most frequently occurs when destabilization and/or anchor slippage occurs.

function overload: Occurs when an alter takes their function to a destructive and/or malevolent extreme, resulting in slippage and possibly destabilization.

Fusion:

ghosting: When an outspacer "half-appears" in the physical realm, as an intuitively perceptible being, in order to accompany the current fronter (typically a Core). Headvoices can also do this, but it must be learned, and it is difficult for them to remain ghosting for long.

graves: The series of 42 linear scars up and down the body's forearms. They were the first retributive actions taken, when it was discovered that hacks were destroying the creativity tied to the Leagueworlds, effectively "aborting" potential worlds and individuals before they had a chance to manifest. Laurie mandated that every hack from then on must be followed by a scar-- a "grave" for those lost as a result.
hack: A malevolent and typically traumatic attack from inside the System. Hacks can be either physical (forced fronting and abuse of the body) or non-physical (psychological warfare, induced nightmares). The term itself refers to both the brutal, sudden pain and terror of such incidents (i.e. "to deal cutting blows"), and the technological slang of "breaking into (a server) from a remote location to steal or damage data." Hacks are always perpetrated by corrupted individuals, most notably Julie (in the old timelines) and Sharona.

hack, dream: A hack that occurs while asleep, during a nightmare. Typically bleeds over into the body, but this can be prevented if a benevolent force intervenes in-dream.
headspace: The huge inner world we all reside in. It is a catchall term for all locations within, as long as they are related to the System. As of 2014 the term "heartspace" is now used to refer to Central's active living location, while "headspace" refers to the inner world at large, and Central prior to 2014.
headvoice: A non-corporeal individual born from headspace, within headspace. This term is interchangeable with the common DID term "alter."

heartspace: A replacement term for "headspace," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly indicate our function and purpose, as opposed to the hackers and floating voices.

heartvoice: A replacement term for "headvoice," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly distinguish between alters and the floating voices. It is usually used to refer to Centralites.
holder: Also "slot holder." Used to refer to any headvoice that is anchored to a color slot.

insects: Also "bugs." The myriad of insects that have been observed within our System, on multiple levels. Their purpose is unknown. They can be either benevolent or malevolent.
inspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world is a Leagueworld. See "outspacer."

invisible audience: A humorous term referring to the theoretical "readers" of our online posts.

Jewel: A prestigious title given to the Cores in our System that have connections to Dream World.
Jewel bloodline: A collective referral to the many artist fronters that have held the "Jewel" title in some way. This "bloodline" of function began in 2002, and has continued through at least four other individuals since then. The phenomenon itself is tied to the Leagueworlds and as such we know little about it.
johnny-nighter: A term referring to a night when we do not sleep, and instead stay awake typing nonstop until 5 or 6 AM. Sleep after that point is optional. Coined in 2009, a reference to the JTHM comic quote: "I don’t sleep; I have better things to do."

kything: A term reverently adopted from Madeleine L'Engle's books, this refers to a non-verbal, almost "spiritual" manner of communication between headspace individuals. It allows emotions, perceptions, and similar inner feelings to be shared instantly, on a level of intuitive understanding, and without the struggle of vocabulary translation. It is only possible if one is open to it.
Leagueworld: An inner world outside of headspace, which is intrinsically separate from it, and which the Jewel bloodline functions to learn and write about. There are approximately 15 of these Worlds to our current knowledge, including Dream World and Rosewindow. It is not impossible for individuals from Leagueworlds to interact with the System (e.g. Mister Sandman), but such individuals are usually reality-jumpers, and/or are similarly unhindered by their native universe limits.
Lightraye: The formal collective subtitle for both our System and the Leagueworlds (e.g. "Lightraye League," "Lightraye System"). It is also used as a surname for those in key positions there.

lilies: Flowers associated with Infinitii. Their current purpose is unknown.

limbo: "The grayish void between realms upstairs." Possibly actual Grayspace. Rarely used term, but refers to a legitimate location.

Links: Mental/spiritual connections formed between two or more individuals in two or more different worlds, "linking" them across space and time.
"When Jewel was younger, his consciousness would 'branch out' rather uncontrollably. Because of this he'd often 'catch' the vibrations of same-level individuals outside our system (i.e. media sources), effectively creating a sort of energetic bridge for them to enter headspace if they so wished. Few individuals were able to enter, though, and even fewer were able to stay. Those who did exhibited a peculiar sort of "resonance" with our inner energy field that effectively made them just as much a part of this system as we are, and may even be mandatory for such a scenario."

Lotus Cathedral: The "Leagueworld" title for our System; essentially, what we call the "story" of our lives. Originally synonymous with "Blood Lotus Cathedral."

Lower headspace: The level of headspace immediately below Midspace, but above the Underground. It holds "triggered" alters who are not destructive.
manics:

manifestation: The process of forming or solidifying a body within headspace.

massacre: A term referring to one specific reset event on December 28th 2013, in which Cannon and Jessica attempted to kill every existing headvoice and therefore destroy the System. It was nearly successful-- active headspace was nearly razed, and both active Cores were presumed dead. The System did survive but regeneration has been an arduous process, as we are effectively starting from base zero this time.

metainomen:

metainomenai: Plural form of “metainomen.”

Midspace: "Middle headspace." The level of headspace at 'street level.' It is effectively neutral, and holds alters who are passively benevolent. Social alters of such function may also appear here.
midspacer: An alter who natively resides in Middle Headspace, or "midspace." During the early days of the Spectrum this term instead referred to all outspacers/inspacers.

mindspill: A term for an archival entry written mostly via the A.P., enabling for rapid cycling of "authors" without the stress of having to front or enter the body to do so. Mindspill entries are rarely capitalized, may not contain grammar, and typically jump between several topics without necessarily concluding any.

Mirror Oasis (Room):

mistranslation: A term referring to circumstances upon which a certain experience and/or expression cannot find a fitting outlet and is forced into another, often harmful context. Typical in hacks.

old girls: Any of the destructive and/or malevolent alters that existed prior to Jewel becoming the core. Typically refers to Jessica or Jezebel, but also includes several faceless voices.

original child: The unidentified, possibly unsalvageable individual that assumedly lived in this body prior to headspace's inception. S/he may exist only in broken pieces of alters by this point.

overlay: Occurs whenever a headvoice fronts in the body. It is an intuitive "mask" of the headvoice's actual appearance, superimposed upon the physical form to decrease dysphoria and increase coherent functioning. Considered a sort of "personal identification" as fronters can often be retroactively identified by looking ath their overlay records. Only faceless voices do not emit overlays.
outspace: Physical, body-experienced reality, i.e. anything outside of headspace. Also called "the waking world."
outspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world exists outside of headspace, typically from a media source. Also called "walk-ins," along with inspacers. These individuals are similar to "soulbonds" in multiple systems, although we do not often use that term. They differ from headvoices in both role and behavior, and are not inherently tied to the System, although it imposes strict requirements on any eligible individuals. It is not uncommon for outspacers to be suddenly blocked from entering headspace in disaster situations.

Plague: A self-aware mass of corrupted White energy, that has taken up residence within headspace. Its true age is unknown, as it did not begin evidencing until after the Tar gained its own physical form. The Plague's main vices are pride and apathy, and it appears to seek only the passive annihilation of the System-- a reset which would be unrecoverable from.

plague rooms:

(attempted hack of whitespace)

programming: Internalized subconscious behavior and/or thought processes that are typically harmful and devoid of self-awareness and personal truth.

raw headspace: The ethereal material that our entire inner world is built from. See "whitespace" and "blackspace."

realms: Also "color realms." Refers to a specific area of heartspace that is dedicated to alters of a specific Spectrum color. This is a post-massacre phenomenon and as such, not much is yet known about it.
reset attempt: An attempt to annihilate the System, with or without hope of regeneration.

reset: A "successful" reset attempt. None have been permanently successful, but all have had serious and often traumatic lasting consequences.

resurrection: The phenomenon in which a 'dead' alter is suddenly brought back to life. This can only occur at the will of the System itself.

Retributor: An alter whose main role is to deliver atonement. Collectively "Retributors."

roses:
Scratch: A term which refers to one specific hard-reset event that occurred on February 24th 2013, in which our current fronter attempted to annihilate the entirety of headspace, and return to a pre-trauma mindset. Although ultimately unsuccessful, the Scratch attempt had such severe and permanent consequences that we now refer to our current time as "post-Scratch," and the time before the 24th as "pre-Scratch."

slippage: Also "slipping." Markedly out-of-character or corrupted behavior, which occurs when an alter begins to lose their anchor or corrupt their function. This is a "warning" phenomenon and it is not lethal unless allowed to continue unchecked.
slots: Also "color slots." A term for any color in the Spectrum held by a headvoice. For example, Laurie Uberich holds the VIOLET slot. This means that her energy resonance is VIOLET, and no other headvoice can hold that exact color while she does.
socials: A casual term for a group of mostly-unidentified voices who front the most frequently, due to not having body anchors. Also called "social fronters."

soulbond: An adopted term, referring to Outspacers.
Spectrum, The: A collective term for either 1. the sixteen energetic "color slots" that define the function of our System, or 2. the headvoices in our System that are anchored to these color slots (as such it does NOT include faceless voices).

Spectrum core: The main hue of each Spectrum color slot. There are sixteen: Red, Brown, Orange, Yellow, Lime, Green, Aqua, Sky, Blue, Indigo, Violet, Pink, Cerise, Gray, White, and Black. Each color has approximately six main subslots. Also "color core" or "core color."

spiders: Insects of the Yellow realms. They are typically malevolent.
splinter: A zombie-like alter that has "broken off" of another, typically a Core. They are not truly conscious, having no true anchor or sense of self, and may instead become puppets for the Tar/Plague. This phenomenon was recognized in 2011, although it existed for some time prior. See "fragment."

splintering: The negative process in which a core "breaks" into two or more separate individuals, due to trauma or forced compartmentalization.
"We thought she was born from my 'lost' energy, optimism, childhood innocence, and kindness, but that had never really been lost. I had splintered. The real me HAS all of that, the me talking right now IS all of that! I never lost it. Thanatos and Fragment are a median system. It scares me, I won't deny that, but now I understand why I splintered like that. Laurie's motivation is to keep me safe and bright, above all else. And in my past, I didn't know what that entailed. So I broke myself into pieces without realizing it, because I didn't think those pieces could safely be part of me."

stabilization: The adjustment period immediately following an alter's manifestation, during which they become less "impulse" and more of an individual.

sub-hue: See subslot.

subslot: A Spectrum hue of a certain color that is not the Core color. For example, Gold is a subslot of Yellow. Also "sub-hue."

System Core: An alter who acts as the "main consciousness" for the System, ideally fronting whenever possible and acting as a focal point for the System's well-being. Central is dedicated to the aid and assistance of the current Core. Cores tend to change every 2-3 years, or after a sufficiently traumatic event.

System, The:

It may also be used as a general collective term for all the alters in headspace/heartspace.
Tar: a self-aware mass of corrupted Black energy, that has taken up residence below active headspace. It is assumed to be the second true member of our System, having been created simultaneously with Julie, and eventually overtaking her, due to the highly negative circumstances of their joint manifestation. The Tar ceaselessly perpetuates pain and trauma within headspace, as it needs these things in order to survive. Although it rarely acts directly, it frequently uses others for its own ends, either through forced control or psychological warfare. Even so, it has created a splinter named Jezebel for the sake of direct interaction. The Tar almost exclusively targets Jay and Infinitii, our Cores, since they directly threaten its existence, and any damage to them harms the entire System.

tar rooms:

(originally hacked into blackspace!)

thanatos drive: The "death drive" experienced by damaged Cores. (Cannon era only??)

exists solely to destroy the self. highly abusive. unable to interact. goal is to end personal existence

death drive. conscious in high stress. almost always conscious after hacks
entirely destructive, disconnected, purposeless, positive incomprehension, violent, driven, retributive, hopeless, angry

 

timeline: …

timeline, dead: …

trigger: …

Underground:

A specific level of lower headspace that contains very dangerous individuals, and so is not easily/ typically accessible.
upstairs: A casual term for "everything non-physical/ inside (our head)," for when more specific jargon would be baffling.
voices: A term for the faceless "voices" heard by fronters in the body, which may or may not ever anchor into actual headvoices. Voices are frequently manipulative and/or malevolent. Interchangeable with "floating voices."

walk-in: The original term for "outspacer." Taken from the fact that they all "walked in" to headspace from the physical world.

whitespace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Whitespace deals with inorganics and the conscious mind. It is an unending realm of raw White energy, effectively the "blueprint" that all of headspace manifested from. Whitespace is "above" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, luminous white space with a floor but no walls or ceiling. It is cubic in form. It can be limitlessly manipulated, but will only take on fixed shapes or forms, otherwise it will appear inert. In the early days of headspace, this is all that existed of our inner world, until Central manifested around 2009.

Xanga session: Slang for a stream-of-consciousness conversation held by two or more alters within headspace and written to a computer in realtime. Named after the website on which we originally hosted these conversations. These sessions typically last several hours.
…: …

…: …

…: …

 

LEVELS OF HEADSPACE
We have identified several distinct "levels" of headspace.
It's easiest to think of the first five in a vertical fashion, but space doesn't quite work that way up here.

CENTRAL (UPSTAIRS)
This level refers almost entirely to Central City, the "hub" of our inner world. The landmark of this city is a skyscraper-like building referred to simply as "Central." This building is where the core-anchored headvoices reside, as it has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for them.
The inhabitants of Central are all tied to proper System function, especially the maintenance of the System itself and the care of its myriad inhabitants. Their anchors reflect the core energy colors. Laurie is the protector of the Upstairs, and by her own extension, the entire System as well.
MIDDLE HEADSPACE
Often "Midspace."
We referred to this level as "downstairs" for a while, but that became confusing as "downstairs" actually refers to physical reality for us, so we dropped this double usage.

LOWER HEADSPACE

Lower headspace is more strongly connected to raw consciousness than Central or Midspace; as a result it is typically fluid and highly mutable, with few 'fixed' areas. Lowers frequently work with the Undergrounders.
UNDERGROUND
Refers to a level of headspace below Central City, thought to be virtually inaccessible prior to 2012. The main habitable areas of it resemble basilica cisterns, and/or cathedral cloisters. Deeper, less hospitable areas resemble caves or catacombs, and often have an eerie red glow. At least one such area appears infested with massive insects. Exploring the Underground is highly dangerous and not recommended, as the Tar also resides there, albeit in a currently-unknown location. The exact size and extent of the Underground is unknown. This level also does not seem to follow the same rules of space that upper levels of headspace do.
The inhabitants of the Underground are all tied to trauma on some level. Their anchors may be coping methods, preventative actions, or the trauma itself. Knife is the protector of the Underground.

THE CHTHONIC LEVELS
Refers to a level of headspace below the Underground, which we were not aware of until 2014.

We know very little about it, at it is highly inhospitable, and those residing there are not welcoming of intruders or visitors.

This level is very organic in structure, resembling a massive cave formation. Its main area consists of a large underground body of water.

FLOATSPACE
Small "pocket locations" of headspace that are self-contained in raw headspace. Leon's cathedrals were the first example of such places we became aware of.

RAW HEADSPACE
Technically not a "level" at all, raw headspace does not even hold a mappable location. Rather, it is a term to refer to the "unformed" areas of headspace, blank white expanses of infinite potential. It is not impossible to enter them, just very difficult. Raw headspace can also be seen whenever a location begins to deteriorate, or when a location is not fully formed. This is what the entirety of headspace was until approximately 2002, when it began to solidify into the beginnings of the Downstairs.
Jay is commonly seen as the "protector" of raw headspace, as he is the White slot holder, and therefore has the most influence over it.

DAEMON REALMS
…
INFINITII'S BUBBLE
An entire level unto itself, the Bubble is literally a small, tangible sphere of encapsulated headspace. It was created by Infinitii in February 2013, and it is where he resides. Jay wears it as a necklace, attached to a silver chain, at Infinitii's behest. He has also procured a similar physical necklace in the waking world, for the sake of fronter interaction with Infinitii.
The Bubble is highly unique, as it is a floating level, and therefore exists within whatever other level it is brought into. It is bigger on the inside than on the outside, although upon entering it one will appear to "shrink." The inside is shaped like a large dome, and from within it one can still perceive the outside world as through translucent glass above. This fact can be used to produce a bizarre "recursive reality effect" if Jay enters the Bubble, as the view from "outside" will therefore reflect the interior. Lastly, the Bubble can only be entered or exited at Infinitii's command, as it exists for the sole purpose of keeping him safe from danger as long as the Tar still exists.

 

 

ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this is not often the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.
As of 2015, sixteen different color slots have been identified. Each of these has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.

THE SPECTRUM
Due to the very substance of headspace being organized into colors, it is only fitting that those who were born from it exhibit connections to those same hues.
This phenomenon of color functions is the most pervasive aspect of our inner world, and as such it is difficult for us to fully grasp. Furthermore, since headspace itself exhibits its own strange sort of consciousness, the Spectrum itself is no exception. It shifts and evolves of its own volition, sometimes dramatically, according to what is needed for headspace to function properly. No one has been able to manipulate or otherwise influence the behavior of the Spectrum, not even the cores. Perhaps this is for the best, as it exhibits a wisdom in its silent management that we could only guess at ourselves.

The Spectrum itself is the groundwork of our entire System. It serves to organize and maintain proper order in headspace, making sure every headvoice has a proper role.
Each Spectrum color has one "core slot," which reflects that basic hue (the core slot of Red is Red). It also has several "sub-slots," which include shades and tints of that same color, and whose functions reflect variations on that color's basic energy (sub-slots of Green include Sage and Jade).
Ideally, all headvoices hold a color slot. Most headvoices manifest already anchored to a fitting color, thanks to energy resonance: if their function or origin is clear, they will naturally reflect whatever color matches it most closely. This is seen most often with Core slot holders.
However, not all individuals in headspace are part of the Spectrum. Faceless voices and outspacers must find solid anchors/functions before they can become part of the Spectrum. Nevertheless, all non-Spectrum individuals still display a sort of "resonance" with one or more colors; it is simply clarity that they lack. Once clarity of function is found, individuals naturally gravitate to a fitting color slot.
Black & White energies are unique as they inherently hold all other colors within them, and they are also the only colors capable of existing in a solidly corrupted state (the Tar & Plague). Negative B/W qualities CAN bleed over into any other slot, or infect more directly through temporary "possession" (e.g. Julie and Laurie both having some Black abilities), but this poses a high risk of often-fatal destabilization to those affected. Positive B/W bleedover is more subtle, usually only manifesting in powerfully specific but heartfelt situations (Soul Forms, the Angel Helmet).

A headvoice in a core slot will not only reflect the basic attributes of that energy color, but they will also act as a guardian of that energy within headspace, and all those who use it. All core slot holders typically reside in Central headspace due to their important roles. Sub-slot holders will still reflect attributes related to that core energy color, but not as strongly.

When a headvoice anchors fully into a color, their eyes and hair will match it. Any discrepancy in an anchored headvoice's eye/hair color, as opposed to their actual slot, is a telltale sign of their anchor splitting, migrating, or failing. The only exception to this rule are those in the Monochrome slots (Black/White), as they can naturally mirror any slot in the Spectrum if they so wish, and this inevitably changes their eye color.

(disclaimer for the following list: many of us went missing after the august reset. nevertheless this list includes the most recent holders.)
(C) = Central ... (D) = Downstairs ... (U) = Underground ... (M) = Midspacer... (L) = Lower... (O) = Outspacer ... (H) = Core ... (X) = ???

BROWN
CORE: Spine Hypomone (C).
BEIGE: held by Aimee (D).
TAN: possibly held by the "siren" (D)
RUSSET: held by Jayce (D).
SPICE: held by Spice (D).
CHOCOLATE: held by Overload (D).
BISTRE: held by "The Bear" (U).

RED
CORE: Javier Anastasi (C). Previously Jewel Lightraye (all). Accessible by the Monochrome holders.
BLOOD: held by Razor (U).
CRIMSON: held by Eros (X).
CHERRY: held by Zwei (D).
RUBY: held by Jewel (D,H).
MAROON: held by the "dead red" voice (D).
CADMIUM: held by Cannon (X).

ORANGE
CORE: held by Lynne Stabelle (C).
VERMILION: held by Algorith (U).
TANGERINE: held by Hyakin (M).
CORAL: held by Amara (M).
PEACH: held by Kalisha (M).
GAMBOGE: none.

YELLOW
CORE: held by Josephina Bellameire (C).
AMBER: held by Genesis Apolymis (I).
VANILLA: held by Sylvain (U?).
GOLDENROD: held by Marigold (L).
GOLD: none.

GREEN
CORE: held by Nathaniel Victoire (C).
SAGE: held by Sergei (M).
JADE: none.
OLIVE: none, previously held by Bridget (X).
LIME: held by Cel (D, H).
CHARTREUSE: possibly held by "the oni girl" (D?).

AQUA
(the lineup of this slot is still unsteady)
TEAL: held by Emmett (D).
MINT: held by Minty (U).
AZURE: held by Einsatz (D).
AQUA: held by Chaos 0 (O).
OCEAN: held by Garrison (M).

BLUE
CORE: Waldorf Kalliope (C).
SAPPHIRE: held by the "navy singer" (D).
SKY: held by Kyanos (M).
SLATE: possibly held by the Gent (D).
CRYSTAL: none, previously Nathaniel Victoire (C).
POWDER: none, previously held by Missy (X).
NAVY: none.

INDIGO
CORE: held by Leon Kiasi (C).
ICE: held by David (U).
DUSK: held by Ryman Saikaras (O).
SMOKE: possibly held by the "airport voice" (D).
MIDNIGHT: none.

VIOLET
CORE: held by Laurie Uberich (C).
PURPLE: held by Markus Barashir (O).
LAVENDER: held by Xenophon Lephise (I).
LILAC: held by Christina Marie (U).
MAUVE: held by Isadora (M).
PLUM: none.

PINK
CORE: held by Julie Enantios (C).
CLARET: held by Knife (U).
CERISE: held by Mulberry Delta (U).
SUGAR: held by Sugar (U).
ROSE: held by Jeremiah (U).
VICTORIAN: held by an unknown female alter (U?).

MONOCHROME (BLACK/WHITE)
BLACK: held by both the Tar (X) and Infinitii Eternos (H).
WHITE: held by Jay Iridos (H).
SILVER: held by Mister Sandman (I).
GRAY: held by Sherlock (M).
STORM: none.


Chaos 0's current slot (originally Cyan, then Aqua) is currently unknown, as his manifestation changed dramatically post-reset. Assumedly it is of the Teal lineup.

Julie, Bridget, and Missy technically do not have solid anchors, as the latter two are splinters and Julie is infected by the Tar. However, they CAN hijack actual color cores, and have done so in the past in order to "lock out" people trying to anchor into them: Julie as Pink, Bridget as Green, and Missy as Blue. This hijacking has had negative long-term effects on all three of those slots, and those who hold connected sub-slots.

Jezebel and Sharona, two malevolent voices, seem to hold Black slots by virtue of their strong connection to the Tar. It is unknown whether or not they are capable of existing apart from it, especially since Jezebel is a splinter as well.

It is unknown whether or not the Spectrum has any opinion on the massive number of faceless/ nameless voices currently making themselves known thanks to therapy. We suppose time will tell.

 

 

 

SPECTRUM ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this was not always the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.

As of 08-23-2017, twenty-six TENTATIVE different color slots have been identified:

 

BROWN, INFRA?, RED, BLOOD, VERMILION, SUNSET, ORANGE, AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, EVERGREEN, AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE, NAVY, INDIGO, PURPLE, ULTRAVIOLET?, VIOLET, PINK, MAGENTA, CERISE, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK, CHAMPAGNE?, GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE? GLASS? MULTICOLOR????

---------------------------------------

OLDER NOTES:

 

The four "monochrome" colors can be grouped into one, leaving a total of sixteen. (two 8 point stars)

There are also SEVEN distinct color trios:

 

RED, VERMILION, ORANGE, AMBER,

YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, AQUA,

CYAN, SKY, BLUE, INDIGO,

PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

--OR??--

 

CERISE, RED, VERMILION, ORANGE,

AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN,

AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE,

INDIGO, PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

And there are EIGHT distinct color pairs:

 

RED, CYAN,

VERMILION, SKY,

ORANGE, BLUE,

AMBER, INDIGO,

YELLOW, PURPLE,

LIME, VIOLET,

GREEN, PINK,

AQUA, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY,

WHITE, BLACK.

 

 

BROWN is placed at the beginning with the REDS as it is the "BASE" hue and effectively acts as the "door" between Headspace and Bodyspace.

The MONOCHROMES are a door between Headspace and Heartspace.

 

 

Each of these hues has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.

BROWN
Attributes:

ELEMENTS: bone, earth, stone
It is connected to bone and earth and stone, to the physical anchors of life itself.
Headvoices who hold this color seem to hold a strong connection to the physical body, and/or what it experiences.
Instability in Brown manifests as
...

RED
Attributes: purpose, creativity, drive, audacity,
- It is strongly connected to creativity, blood and the life force.
- Headvoices who hold this color seem to invariably be "artists" in some way. They have a drive to creatively express themselves, through any outlet they deem proper.
- Instability in Red manifests as rage, hedonism,
- The Red color is arguably the most mysterious in the System, as it was originally tied ONLY to the Jewel bloodline. When Jay, the most recent host-piece, permanently moved out of it in mid-2013, the slot was emptied for the first time since the System's inception.

…

 

VERMILLION
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Vermilion manifests as
...

ORANGE
Attributes: composure, kindness, hospitality, amity,
Headvoices who hold this color seem to work as "balancers," keeping emotions stable and healthy but not suppressed.
Instability in Orange manifests as
...

 

AMBER
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Amber manifests as
...

YELLOW
Attributes: vitality, power, confidence, 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Yellow manifests as
...

 

LIME
Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Lime manifests as
...

GREEN
Attributes: balance, healing, peace, compassion
It appears to be strongly connected to the natural world, notably vegetation and insect life.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Green manifests as
*Due to Bridget's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Green seem to have a high risk of traumatic resets. Nathaniel has infamously died four times (due to either murder or stabilization failure; he was Blue AND Green though), the Sage voice was brutally killed shortly after manifesting, and Cel's identity was in shreds for years.

…

 

JADE/ EVERGREEN
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as
...

AQUA
Attributes:
Oddly, it appears to be connected to simple self-care, and a more childlike mindset.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Aqua manifests as
...

 

CYAN

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Cyan manifests as

…

 

SKY

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Sky manifests as
...

BLUE
Attributes: communication, joy, innocence, hope
- It appears to be connected to the sky, and to reflections (not water, just reflections).
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Blue manifests as the inability to speak, depression,
*Due to Missy's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Blue have a high risk of dying. Nathaniel, Waldorf, and Kyanos have all experienced death at least once after anchoring here in the past-- Nat at Julie's hands (initially), Wally from a forced anchor freeze, and Kyanos from major stabilization failure.

…

INDIGO
Attributes: truth, insight, awareness, gentleness, self-sacrifice
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Indigo manifests as panic, fear, paranoia, and confusion. This was notably visible in Leon when he first tentatively anchored into this slot.
...

 

PURPLE
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as

…

VIOLET
Attributes: protection, truth, spirituality, honor, benevolence, devotion, wisdom, integrity
- Headvoices who hold this color typically dedicate or devote themselves to the protection of something, either a person or an idea. They are highly insightful and are masters of diplomacy. They also seem to have an inherent and powerful spiritual side, and greatly value integrity in this sense in both themselves and in others.
- Instability in Violet manifests as purposelessness, the need to control, doubt,
...

PINK
Attributes: closeness, compassion, softness, elegance, union of opposites
- Headvoices who hold this color have shockingly dichotomous but non-split personalities, often displaying two opposite qualities or aspects without self-conflict (e.g. rage and gentleness).
- Instability in Pink manifests as hatred, spite, manipulation, and violence. All Pink voices have the potential to quickly become unstable so they are treated with caution.
*Due to Julie's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Pink seem invariably tied to the trauma of sexual abuse, either as sufferers or preventors.

…

 

CERISE
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as

…

 

GRAY
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as

…

WHITE
Attributes: conscious, structure, order, stability, individuality, innocence, knowledge, creation through objects 
- It shows a connection to rainbows, and it displays a similar iridescence.
- Headvoices who hold this color can freely shape ANY energy, but can only work with what is given. They can change their form if they desire, but this must be deliberate and stable. They can freely edit headspace energy, but must stay within creation limits. They also can control what memories are put into the archives, although their access to the entirety of data is limited. White voices also seem to have difficulty moving through time.
- Instability in White manifests as disconnection, the inability to feel emotion, suicide
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a White core can damage the structure of headspace just as severely.

…

BLACK
Attributes: unconscious, community, mutability, mystery, potential, understanding, creation through people
- It shows a connection to the night sky, and it displays an oilslick-like iridescence. Black energy is also said to taste like sugar.
- Headvoices who hold this color have highly mutable bodies, but cannot control this well; it tends to move constantly. They can "bring out the potential" of ANY headspace energy, even beyond limits, but cannot force changes. They also have full access to memory archives, but unless something is put in there, it cannot be accessed. Black voices also seem to have difficulty moving through space.
- Instability in Black manifests as loss of impulse control, loss of self, addiction
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a Black core can damage the substance of headspace just as severely.

SYSTEM MECHANICS
(aka how stuff works? its really bizarre sometimes)
...
...
It is possible for an anchored headvoice to die, and later "resurrect" without warning. This is because, if headspace has decided that individual "is supposed to live," it will actively prevent them from staying dead, or even dying in the first place, regardless of headvoice interference. The most notable examples of resurrection are Nathaniel and Infinitii, while the most notable example of nigh-immortality is Laurie.

 

 

guys, I'm kind of freaking out here.
I have therapy tomorrow so I'm trying to review old notes-- and I mean OLD notes, this stuff is from 2008 and 2009-- and guess what?
There is a STAGGERING amount of info here, that only makes sense NOW, with our new knowledge and vast amounts of growth and development. But the point is that the signs and potential for a lot of things were always there, even if we couldn't understand what they meant in the bigger picture at the time.

Here, I'm reviewing what I have on my computer right now (no Internet access; I'll upload this later), so let me make a running list. I don't want to dive right into the 2002-2007 archives, which are a holy mess and will REQUIRE me to trudge through those horrible high school notebooks which are our only hints as to who drove that entire time, because that's a ton of stress just thinking about it. Really.
Jewel's here with me (Hi guys!! <3) as usual, and I'm unfortunately rather dissociated as usual so Sherlock might end up barging in later if things get intellectual enough, haha.
That's something I don't know if I've mentioned, actually. Yes, it's common sense that you can "summon" a headvoice internally by a burst of concentrated attention, and externally by calling them by name (typically they will be called to override in fronting, but this can be denied, although that is very painful to do). And you can also summon them, unintentionally of course, by exposing the body to either 1. their anchor, or 2. their triggers. For example, stick around blades too long and Razor will show up, and stick around the mother too long and David will start to freak out. Both those things happened today, incidentally; the evening was hellish (Thank God Razor is on our side now or it could have been worse).
Anyway. What you probably don't know (I didn't for sure until a few days ago), is that this "summoning" also works in REVERSE. Meaning, you can force a headvoice OUT of fronting by not only calling someone else's name, but ALSO by exposing the body to the opposite of their anchor, OR a counter-trigger. What made this so clear to me, you ask? Easy. Laurie was driving the car to therapy on Monday (to prevent social hacks and panic attacks), when suddenly some car crossed into the lane in front of us, that literally had a sexual innuendo painted in huge pink letters across the back window. And I swear to you, the instant that reached our awareness, Laurie was KICKED OUT. Laurie was!! Usually she's impervious to everything, so that shocked me-- and her, in a different way though: she was freaking out when she found herself upstairs because now there was a risk of being hacked IN A CAR. That’s not cool. However I think Jewel or someone took over then? I'm not sure; I literally have one snapshot memory of a traffic sign further down the road, with a non-harmful female voice driving, who was quietly exasperated at "all the other voices" trying to throw her off? It felt like Jewel, because I oddly get this "Phantomilian" vibe from it, and that's her. (Celebi is NOT, by the way; they are two different people!!) But yeah. That cemented the long-standing theory that Laurie CANNOT front when we are in a sexually dangerous situation, thanks to her Chastity attribute. Like me, she is forbidden by her function from being exposed to those things, even as a protector. So I'm kind of glad Sugar seems to be trying to get a grip on her role (she has been a MESS since her manifestation; she keeps getting hacked and it's very worrisome), because she can deal with that stuff, and she gets pissed at the perpetrators. We'll see.
That's all I wanted to say though. The joke was that Sherlock, being so strongly tied to detached data analysis and delivery, would actually have a chance of being "accidentally called in" if I started getting super-logical about these old notes, haha. Not that I'd mind, of course-- the man's good at his job!
So without further ado, here's that darn list of old topics I'm reviewing.
(Note to 'selves': this is IMPORTANT STUFF so do NOT gloss over it!!)

- Old Julie (pre-2011) was TERRIFYING. A lot of the things she could do, or that we knew about her, were never reviewed later, but now that I'm doing just that it is really creepy. Here, let's give her her own list.
1. "Body made of shadow." This was common knowledge for YEARS before we even knew about the Tar, let alone its connection to her.
2. "Has shape/voice-shifting abilities." Again common knowledge, but that is a textbook Black energy skill, which otherwise only Infinitii and the raw Tar have.
3. "Usually turns her hands into knifelike claws to attack us." From a 2009 note file. This WAS a thing she did, and I won't say much here, but that is a blatant connection to Dream World corruption energy (which is not alien to headspace; see every *incident* ever), essentially their version of the Tar, and that is seriously unnerving.
4. "These (black bracelets) used to be chains, which Laurie put on her. They didn't hold." I forgot we literally had to chain her up at one point, to keep her from attacking us. (Remember she actually had her own ROOM upstairs at first??) But with the Black-energy shapeshifting, it's no wonder they didn't work.
5. "She's downstairs now." I read that and immediately thought, "oh no." I forgot that, when she got too lethal, we LITERALLY SHOVED HER INTO THE UNDERGROUND. The Underground technically didn't even exist back then; it was just raw headspace. So, sickly, our attempt to protect ourselves apparently just made things worse-- she took over that entire level over the next 2 years, and then what did we have? The Tar Room, and an entire shadow-choked maze of underground tunnels that she controlled until 2012. Go figure.
6. "Has some positive potential, but is drowned by primal desires." Just pointing out that we knew this from the beginning, and that just breaks my heart.

-Don't forget Laurie was BLEEDING for a good part of 2008-2009 (from eyes and mouth mostly), due to "leakage" in consciousness: our current fronter was essentially "stealing her energy" and that was killing her. DOES THAT STILL HAPPEN?? If so, it might explain a LOT of the instability some people are showing now.
-In late 2008, when Natalie first manifested as "my reflection," I described hir as follows: "She's all giddy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, and doesn't like letting the other girls speak through her. Which is why it's hard for me to argue with my reflection-- Nat doesn't like it. Arguments only happen upstairs. But Natalie's really fun to talk to, although she herself is mute." This is notable because not only does it insinuate that the reflection-holder is SEPARATE from both the body image AND the current fronter, but that other non-fronting headvoices could USE the reflection to speak to the current body-fronter, by "projecting" into it along with the reflection holder. That's pretty huge… especially since today someone else seems to be in it. There was literally 10 seconds where we looked into a mirror this evening, and the reflection smirked, waved, and said it's name was JAYCE?? Which worries me slightly because the first Jayce (2010) was NOT a nice guy (just ask the Undergrounders), but this one feels very different, plus he's a different color. (I should review his entire history at some point too..) But I don't know who was fronting around that time, and it was a very unstable mental situation so there is literally no other detail besides that… but it's very notable. Look into this mirror thing if you can; it's always been a huge source of questions. Plus, in Laurie's 2006 dream debut, she disguised herself AS the reflection. Whether or not that ultimately holds any significance for the current reflection people is yet to be seen.
- Natalie picked up on the butterfly motif back in hir first reincarnation, back in 2009 (after being killed by Julie). Talk about foreshadowing, haha.
- Lynne was originally pinkish-red, and her original role was that of a "stable and mature" individual to balance everyone else when they got too crazy. I'm mentioning this because that color AND job seem to have moved to MULBERRY. Think about it!
- Waldorf's original incarnation (2003) had antennae and a bodysuit? I don't know whether or not she would benefit from imitating that now, but everything about her initial self was highly intriguing, so I'd give it some merit at least.
-…I am not reviewing the Xangas yet. Yes they are full of incredibly vital information, but the first screenshot I opened to review was about the graves. I am not emotionally ready to review that entire timeframe again, not at this hour at least. But we forgot about ALL of that after the plethora of reset attempts this year, and that fact alone is heartbreaking in a weird way. I know I keep telling myself "the past is gone, forget about it," but another part of me keeps saying "yes, but the consequences of the past still affect the present, don't they?" and of course there are still graves on my arms. I think the hesitation is because, I feel that if I do dive back into the Xangas, something inside me is going to snap back into awareness and I'm afraid of that. I don't remember anything before 2013 and part of me is very scared of whoever I was in the past. Maybe bring that up in therapy, who knows. The point is I honestly can't go past-digging anymore tonight because I'm not psychologically able to at the moment. Sorry.
- …I don't know why, but Laurie talking about her 2010 suicide attempt and numbly saying "I don't remember what day it was" is one of the saddest things I've ever read.



As for handwriting from this year…

- There's a handwriting voice that I JUST NOW realized exists-- they're a "numb" or "comatose" one, that just wants to sleep and doesn't fight back, but every example of that I can find has the exact same writing style. Keep this in mind.
- I feel really bad because we thought that EVERY "bad voice" was Razor for a really long time, and that made Spice REALLY pissed off (judging by her handwriting examples). It's weird, too, because Razor never acted like that, and honestly I have no idea where the sweeping generalization came from? In any case we need to go back and review all our 2012-Scratch notes on her, because they're probably ridiculously inaccurate, and probably have good insights into other people as well.
- Similarly, we COMPLETELY ignored and overlooked Spice's actual attitude in her handwriting. Yes, she was angry all the time, but she had the trademark responses of a retributor: "I will kill you for your sinfulness," "rot in hell," calling the fronter a "slut" or "whore" (in headspace that ONLY refers to Julie-esque individuals), et cetera. It's all actually calling out whoever was eating for being unwise in their habits, eating either too much or things that made the body sick. Now that I'm learning who the eating-voices are (they're not nice; also not related to the eating disorder voices), her reactions make perfect sense, and I'm actually VERY thankful she existed back then to keep them in line!!
- Checking handwriting again, there is still a huge blur between who is David and who is that OTHER little boy, the vanilla-colored one (during meditation today I got a flash that his name MIGHT be "Simon," or "Simeon," something like that in any case). The only clear distinction (besides the fact that David likes smileys) is in what they react to, and how-- David is more "externalized," reacting mostly to the mother and to the environment, while the vanilla boy is more "internalized," and the few times I've heard him talk (to FACELESS voices; he has no body either yet), he's said that he "tries to calm people down" or something?? I don't know how to put it into words, but it's why he shows up in emotionally charged or unstable journal entries so suddenly and often: apparently his job is to take all that on himself, keeping tons of people from shouting randomly over it. But he's sad because of it, almost numbly so, and he seems to be the one with the "I'm a bad boy" complex. David fears that, but this vanilla boy accepts that lie emptily (On that note, go back and review the "shoe incident" stuff from this spring, ESPECIALLY when I talked about it with Laurie in handwriting; those two were still fused with Kyanos at the time so it's a general mess). Either way they're still tricky to pin down in writing, which isn't surprising as there is often a TON of bleedover there for everybody... and remember those two were FUSED FOR A WHILE!! Honestly though the BEST clue to this day is the FIRST whitebook journal entry, in which they BOTH wrote. David was saying "don't let them hurt us anymore," but the vanilla boy was asking "who and why is abusing (Jay) still." VERY different reactions to the same situation. So look over that again just to get a better grip on those two.
- On that note, Sugar, Spice, and the "overload girl" (whose true identity is blurry as heck) were ALL bleeding into each other before the first two manifested. They all write in total capslock, but Sugar has all rounded letters, and Spice doesn't react to anything but food triggers. Still, as I said, Sugar is a mess (due to both her slot color and highly volatile anchor), and she is STILL getting "used" by others, so figure this out for her sake.
- The tangerine bird guy (dude what is even your name) has a brilliant attitude in handwriting, which surprises me as I actually can only remember having seen him TWICE in headspace, once being earlier this month with the tar-spider (post-reset notably). So, to think about it, his name might not be discernible because we don't really have a consensual grip on WHO he is? And names follow that, it seems. So get to know him and the Sage guy because they are super cool, and we need to know their names already.
- On a related note, the pure white-skinned voices (Sugar, tangerine, sage, AND Kyanos!) all seem to be related in some sense? We haven't figured it out yet, but it feels like they're an important sub-category of headvoice and there is a strong vibe of there needing to be one in each color category? See if you can get any more info on this phenomenon.
- I just noticed, Infinitii and Josephina have the most in-your-face handwriting, for totally different reasons: Infi's text is calligraphic and huge because his energy just translates that way, but Jo is all stars-and-graffiti because his attitude is just that exuberant, haha.
- April 21st, a handwriting voice screaming "fuck you, you're not my boss; fuck you faggot" was listed as a SUGAR ALTER, but then later found to be a then-Tar-possessed Razor, thanks to the scrawled "I will make you bleed" declaration on the back. HOWEVER I am mentioning this again because the whole "sugar alter" thing MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISNOMER. We weren't talking about illness, we were talking about rage, and sugar only causes vicious reactions because it FEEDS THE TAR. So a "sugar alter" could literally be ANYONE tied to the Tar when it overloads!



Now for a brief summary of the events of today!

-I had to drive my grandmother to visit my grandfather at the hospital at 9AM, so from then until 4PM I was literally home alone. That is always dangerous because hackers like to try and come out, because of the lack of enforced rule structure, BUT I noticed something equally disturbing today. Our entire physical self-image depends on other people. Literally, whoever was fronting didn't know how to do ANYTHING without another individual being around to "provide context" or "give orders." As it seems, the default body-program seems to run solely on judging actions according to who we're around, due to safety and survival, so when no one is around, it shorts out. There's no one to base our very existence on, so as an "individual," the immediate tendency is to not exist. It's different in headspace, obviously-- our entire world up here is vastly different from the physical-- so throwing a Central fronter into the body wouldn't fix the problem, as they don't have any real way of knowing how to properly function in the physical realm the way it is. But socials can only drive when other people are around, so the only people left are the "outsiders," i.e. the nameless voices… which are usually blindly manipulative, and/or directionless to the point of danger. We're thinking one of them is the one who literally just eats until another person appears, solely as a mechanical operation. (Thankfully we've found… ways to avert the obvious threat there, although it has ultimately made our eating disorder worse as a whole). Julie always jumps on "home alone" situations because the body becomes so severely dissociated in that atmosphere that, if someone isn't being vigilant as hell behind the scenes, hacks are frighteningly easy for her to pull off (the nameless ones don't fight her off, as they don't care). So yeah, that was scary to realize that we don't have an answer to that question… "outside of headspace, who are we really?" We don't know. In the body, as an "individual," we have no idea who we are. We've never had to worry about that before. But today, alone for about 6 hours, we struggled to exist in the simplest manner. That's not good.
- One good thing did happen, though. Apparently one of the hedonist voices (who is almost DEFINITELY Jess; it responds to the name) started eating danger food, and Laurie immediately shouted for me to "get the hell in there." Which is why I remember it; suddenly I was standing above the sink with a mouthful of something, asking Laurie if that was safe to ingest. Thankfully it was, so after that she said to stick around while we made ourselves a safe breakfast (vegetables obviously) so the body wouldn't starve. The reason why this was good is not only because then there was an hour of headspace-patrolled fronting, but also because the vegetables we found were beets. See, when I began to cut them after they cooked, I laughingly commented that they looked bloody… and since I had been rifling through the knife drawer immediately beforehand, of course Razor stuck her head in! "What's bloody," she asked, "can I use the knife," you get the picture. I found it funny and ultimately she did get permission to front, purposely getting beet juice all over her hands and snickering about it. At one point she was trying to cut the hand with a small knife, but Knife himself told her not to, so she put it down. (She listens to him without question if you didn't already know.) But the best part was that then we realized that hey, Razor doesn't know what sensory input is like besides pain, does she? So we told her she could eat some of the beets if she wanted. She was a little confused about the whole concept, but she got the AP to run it mostly. So she was basically just tearing at them with her hands and teeth, as she loved the color. Then she didn't want us to wash our hands off because she wanted them to stain, but again Knife told her we had to or it would stain everything else. So that was that! But it was odd, because Razor barely even comprehended the taste of the beets at all-- when it hit her she was more baffled than anything, the sensation didn't quite make sense to her. Laurie thought the AP was buffering too much, which might have been true, but we all doubted Razor's ability to operate the body without it so we let it go. Either way she did like it, for what reason I couldn't tell you, although it was just a general "yes this is good" and not a Genesis-grade "THIS IS AMAZING" response, haha. Still, simple but cool things in headspace are always good.
- What wasn't good is the fact that all I remember of the next several hours is reading The Minds of Billy Milligan (which is incredible and very relevant so far, we're on p70), and getting sick from molasses and/or apples (I keep forgetting we can't eat those without horrid and painful side effects; my sensory memory resets a lot. thankfully spice was NOT affected by it today as far as i know; she didn't front). So after 12PM (which is when I assume we ate?), I know the mother stopped by temporarily because the Undergrounders and Outsiders went NUTS, but then everything is blank again until 7PM, when we drove to the hospital again. Let's talk about the former first.
- All I know is that we were in the bedroom when she showed up, I think, because the moment her voice sounded in the hall, several people upstairs started screaming and/or crying, and I have no idea what happened next! Wonderful. The good news is no self-abuse happened, and no one attacked the mother, which there are always threats for. But there was a lot of internal screaming and stress and rage and fear, although I couldn't tell you from whom, for what reason, or when, as usual.
- At some point during all this, things snapped to inner headspace, which I have observer memory access to. David started sobbing and hid under his blanket upstairs, trying to feel protected from the outside noise and potential threats. Marigold was there with him, and I don't know what she said or did, but the next thing I know, the two of them were building a blanket fort? But they were literally hanging it on headspace, seriously it was catching to the air itself practically (which isn't that surprising considering they're underground; stuff is a bit wild down there). Anyway they started having genuine fun with it, not just making a safe place to hide. They quickly invited Jeremiah in, and he also helped them finish building it. So the three of them were in there, saying they were protected now, that no one could get in unless they said they could. HOWEVER. Someone HAD to be trying to get at Jeremiah, because there's another memory break and then I see him sobbing and distraught, shouting that he "didn't want to hold that pain anymore" or something like that? I honestly don't know. But I do know David gave him his blanket for comfort, and Jeremiah buried his head and hands in it, sobbing quietly. Mulberry must have heard, because around then she did stop outside the fort and ask for permission to come in, to see if everything was okay. David got confused and said he thought blanket forts weren't "professional"? Mulberry laughed good-naturedly and said that her brand of "professionalism" included knowing when and how to interact with people, which meant not ruling out blanket forts if going into one would be the better decision to do. So David "told" the door to open, and Mulberry knelt down to look inside and ask everyone how they were doing (she didn't actually go in; I guess crawling in was something she wasn't quite willing to do). Jeremiah managed to calm down, and Mulberry actually told them that she was going to "guard" the fort for them at all times, and if they needed her in a hurry to just call and she'd be there. She left once this new job of hers was established, but then I don't know anything else until what feels like 10-20 minutes later? They were still in the fort, but now Laurie's voice was outside, exclaiming "holy shit who built the awesome fort" and the kids giggling, opening the door so she could see them. Knife was behind her and smiling, but Laurie was being her usual chill-but-enthusiastic self and complimenting these kids on their handiwork, as well as their prudence in making such a safe space for themselves. That's all I know, but I thought it was brilliant enough to record.
- Speaking of Mulberry, I don't know how or when this was, but there's another fleeting memory of Knife telling her to "hold something together," or stable? Mulberry said that wasn't her role, she worked with rules and honor sure, but not physically; but Knife interrupted (oddly hurriedly? must have been a charged situation) that she could expand that if she wanted, she had done that "with Infinitii" (in this entry), and that she could do that now if she allowed herself to. So yeah, apparently Mulberry can impose structure on things in headspace? Which is actually a VERY important ability, if it means she can stabilize people who are fragmenting, even if only temporarily.
- There are two voices who presented quite clearly today, but I don't know who they are. The first is the girl who always flips people off and says "f*** you" repeatedly when she's mad, almost always towards the grandmother or mother. I haven't pinpointed why but she is VERY easily triggered, although now that we're aware she exists we can hurriedly jump in and chase her out when she shows up. The second is very similar to her, but definitely separate, as these two started fighting at some point. But the second is the one who is less caustically angry, but spits out tons of verbal slurs and insults (mostly calling people "faggots" which is really awful, but that's defined as "the worst insult" upstairs so she uses it often). She is more condescending and judgmental, while the first is more angry and spiteful. Very similar in triggers, but perceptibly different in reactions. It's just scary that people like them exist and keep showing up.
- Some "comatose" voice showed up around 7PM, I assume? They were leaning mutely against the bedroom window for about 10 minutes, and seemed incapable of responding to people verbally? Not sure if that's a fragment or a person, OR if it's even the default state of the body (with the "lack of a self separate from the environment" thing), but it was really strong and specific so who knows. Better to record it than forget.
- Now for the most interesting bit of the day. I know there was a mess of trouble trying to drive the car at first, as dangerous voices kept trying to front, but all of a sudden LYNNE showed up?? That's really clear in data memory; someone put FROST* on the car radio, and out of nowhere she ended up in the driver's seat. Go figure. She did still have bandages on her arms, but she's apparently healed enough to front, thankfully, which is awesome. I clearly "recall" her saying that FROST* sounded "nostalgic" to her, wondering happily at all the orange lights on the road and remarking that "nothing was a coincidence" to headspace people, and laughing because she actually had to change her projected outfit to front correctly (she had to wear a hoodie, and kept trying to pull her long hair over her shoulders but it wasn't there physically). So that's interesting; she's the first fronter who had that idea, and it apparently works really well for anchoring! Oh yeah, the best thing though is that there's a snapshot of her on the highway, suddenly reaching down and picking up a cellphone (turned off) and holding it to her ear, then using it to "talk" to Laurie in headspace! And it WORKED! Seriously, holy heavens, this girl is a genius. But yeah, I guess those two were bantering all the way up to the hospital, about what I don't know (all I'm sure of is her "calling" Laurie at one point to look at a certain building they were driving by, which was all lit up), but I'm glad they still get along as well as they used to before everything went haywire upstairs. The next important thing I recall is Lynne driving up the parking garage levels, and focusing on the lights outside, saying aloud "this is an archival memory, anyone can access it." Four words: YOU CAN DO THAT?? Apparently yes! So she recorded a memory of how the city looks lit up at night, for anyone to see (Which might even be contributing to why her entire fronting is oddly comprehensible to me; usually it's tough to "remember" what other people saw). But that's not even the best thing. The BEST thing is that, once she got into the hospital, Laurie decided to GHOST with her to tag along. Which is AWESOME. It's also a secondhand memory I'd like to personally treasure-- there is one snapshot of them both walking through the connective glass bridge (which at night, since it's internally lit but mostly windows, looks like you're walking through a hyperspace tunnel or something), Lynne wearing jeans and a black hoodie (hilariously unusual for her) with her bright orange hair streaming through, laughing, and Laurie in her usual violet-belted glory just sauntering along beside her, grinning back. And probably because it was so close to that oddly lucid memory, there's one line of Lynne saying "I feel like a government spy or something!" because the hospital was so empty and quiet on the inside, and no one knew she was fronting. After that things are kind of fuzzy; I know that they took 5 flights of stairs up, with Laurie apparently having "teleportation troubles" (common with ghosting; the fronting consciousness tries to "drag" you into the visual field, which can be extremely disorienting) that she was having trouble controlling, but then the next thing I knew they had to stop at my mom's office, and Lynne was pushed out? I don't know who fronted, but Laurie knew it wasn't Lynne when they left the office, and she began grilling them to tell her their name, but they just shrugged? Then, again, all I know is that they apparently went down two flights to the 7th floor, because the next memory is of Laurie exclaiming "these hallways look exactly the same" before adding "no, sorry, that floor had more windows," and then there's nothing for a while. (Still, HOW DID LYNNE FRONT THAT WELL FOR THAT LONG??) The next clear memory is of the body standing outside my grandfather's hospital room, with the grandmother, and I don't know who was fronting, but they were alone and felt weirdly detached? And I don't remember anything clearly after that at all, not until we got home and I started working on this computer, which was TWO HOURS LATER. Geez. So heaven only knows who was fronting from then until now, but it's upsetting because that poses a big dilemma which I will put under its own point for relevance:
- When no one is around, it becomes very difficult for the body to maintain ANY sort of external "individual identity," as that is based on our environment. When around other people, though, it becomes very difficult for individuals to front, because the body is now working on a "social cue-based program," literally choosing and inventing actions depending on "the proper behavior code" for that situation. It's automated!! And it’s annoying, because then the AP buffers EVERYTHING from inside out, as it's "not socially acceptable" or "socially disruptive" or something equally stupid. (Sorry, this is Jewel and that annoys me.) But when we're alone, the immediate reaction is to either dissociate entirely and go inside to headspace, OR to stay outside and let the outsiders front in purely repetitive, detached ways, during which time there is a VERY high chance of being hacked as a result. The only good thing about being alone is that sometimes people like the Gent and Maverick will front, but that's rare because so many other people are louder than them. And the only good thing about being around other people is that then we don't have to worry about being hacked brutally because the AP literally shuts everything down except for the mechanical functions. But THAT is awful because it makes therapy sessions hard as hell, because it's STILL trying to judge the "correct behavior program" for a therapy session when we are there SPECIFICALLY to talk about headspace, and for the people in headspace TO talk, both things which it exists to BUFFER OUT for survival purposes. It's really stupid. Sherlock is watching me judgmentally, haha. I don't think he likes the way I'm talking about this, sorry!
- Jay here; at least you're nice about it. He probably is just put off by your vocal style, because most female vocal styles like that belong to malicious individuals. Plus it's not exactly the way a logical analyst like him would ever talk, of course.
- …And IMMEDIATELY the AP shutdown kicks in because a conversation, even an internal one, that requires specific focus in headspace causes it to block everything out. It's this ridiculous denial instinct. I am literally fighting the urge to dissociate severely and "blank out" for an extended period of time right now. And I'm getting a headache from fighting it. Let me put on some Todd Rundgren and check out for a moment.
- I keep seeing bug larvae when I close my eyes. I'm really dizzy now. Sorry guys, we need to call it quits for tonight.


No, wait, again, last thing. Jay here.
I've been talking to Laurie for about 10 minutes (we've been trying to review those Xangas anyway), and it just hit me... how much we lost in the Scratch. Or maybe it was the July fallout. Or the August reset. Maybe we started losing things last summer, when we moved across the country. That was the starting point, that is clear as day.
But... what in the world caused it all? Who caused it all? Was it the previous "me," who for some reason, decided he was going to commit the ultimate suicide by killing his self and leaving his bestowed body to rot inside? Because damn it, some days I think he succeeded, and that breaks my heart.
What in the world possessed them to wake up one morning in February, and decide to utterly annihilate everything we worked for all our lives?? What made them think that destroying headspace in one awful self-sacrificial action was a good idea, in any sense?
Was it pain? Was it regret? Was it self-loathing? Was it feeling trapped by scars, and hacks, and the inability to function outside of that haunting reality regardless? Was it all of that and more?
All I know is that I don't remember anything, I don't know who I was before April of this year, and I feel like I lost more than I can even comprehend.
If it means anything, I'm beginning to think I want it back. Maybe that's stupid, or unwise. Laurie is shaking her head "no," and I trust her, she understands more than I do. If she says wanting that back isn't stupid, I believe her.
"We had more light up here than you can imagine, kid," she says. And she looks as sad as I feel. Where'd it go? If there was so much love and harmony, where did it go? What crumbled it? What hid it? "It's still here," she says, and I know that too. I can see it even in the Undergrounders, who used to be our enemies. I guess what I miss, intuitively, is the System-wide feeling of unity. It still hasn't come back completely. It's in bits and pieces, tattered and torn, ruined and ragged, but it's real. It still lives, even if it's feeble and quiet yet. But it's not giving up, and neither are we.

We'll never have things the way they used to be ever again, and in a weird way, in a tragically funny way, I'm glad for it.
This year, we met Knife, and Mulberry, and David, and Jeremiah... Sugar, and Spice, and Marigold, and Kyanos... and all the other voices who are our friends now. We lost many, but most have returned. And I met Infinitii. We all did, but to me, he's something truly special.
What I'm saying is that this year had to happen, as terrifying and strange as it was, and we all know that. Looking at it with discerning eyes and an open heart, that truth is crystal clear. We NEEDED this, even if we never would have wished for it.
I guess the bottom line is, just have faith. Just take it a day at a time, be thankful for what you're given, and make the best of it. That's all I can say. And listen, always listen, that I need to remember. Denial is loud and it tends to drown everything else out.

I'm really tired and we do have therapy tomorrow.
There's so much more I could say tonight, but I'm feeling a little glimmer of the light I've lost sight of, and something tells me that words are unnecessary when that is concerned.
So I'll wish you good night, with lots of love as usual, and I'll see you in twelve hours or so.

 

 

 

Guys I'm sorry this is such a short update but I am just so sparkly-happy right now.

True, today's been a bit rough-- heck the past few days have been a bit rough-- but it's all for a very good reason so I'm going to keep on truckin' because it is entirely worth dealing with.
As for the roughness... well. You know that "mind=blown" update I posted about four days ago? Apparently, coming to that huge of a realization about our headspace opened up a LOT of doors... both up and down the hall, so to speak. Let's take it one person at a time.

First, Nathaniel finally decided to step up to the plate with his new color's responsibilities. Quick recap: his old function as the "blue" headvoice (when he was still female) was unstable; he couldn't communicate, and was manifested almost exclusively through a reflection, which had happened almost purely by accident and wasn't very strong. Nat didn't start forming an identity of his own until just minutes before I had to "re-absorb" his energy in April of 2008, an act which effectively killed him temporarily. Yes, both he and Lynne managed to reform in early 2009, but his existence was so unstable that he looked chronically sad and a tad sick. Then Julie straight-up murdered him, and when his energy managed to scrape itself back together, his form had "reset" to that of a mute child. But he was still unstable, and a few months later, he had literally deteriorated out of existence (His dog, Vincent, was also a "fragment" of him that formed due to his incompletion during his reset. Vincent never fully stabilized either, returning to Nat's own energy between '09 and now). Anyway, you all know that thanks to some psychological shenanigans on my part, upstairs energy finally became receptive enough for him to resurrect in 2011... except this time, Nat was a dude, and he was green. That was a surprise to all of us, but we just rolled with it. Problem was he never seemed to really "settle in" to the new position, and no one had any clue what his role was supposed to be. Well... I think we figured it out, on Friday. The short version? Look at a chakra chart. I'll elaborate on that tomorrow when I don't need sleep. (I think his appearance totally warped as well; he looks kind of moth-esque now which is boss but I'm curious as to the energetic cause of it so I'll get back to you on that too.)

Second, we discovered where Spine and Julie's "slots" are in the spectrum: I'm still trying to refine my hospital-induced sketch to more closely reflect the Kabbalah info I'm slowly accumulating (because it does fit), but in the original spectrum-centered diagram they were "beneath" the main seven colors? Without a visual it's complicated to explain, but Spine is beneath RED and Julie is beneath VIOLET. Apparently my behavior as a child screwed up the whole system but that was supposed to happen anyway, so... it's complicated but incredible. On that note there was apparently a "forced energy flip" due to overload in my and Julie's colors, which externalized to form the midpoints between Red/Brown and Violet/Pink... Xenophon is on the White side, and guess who's on the Black side? Razor. Dead serious! Also I keep thinking her name was supposed to be "Molly?" That stuck out in a dream I had about two months back as "belonging" to a headvoice I "didn't have" so I don't know. I'll look into it. Anyway little me really threw a monkey wrench in the system as it was forming so everything related to Red is completely anomalous, and I still don't have a full grip on it. Apparently a few people were shoved out of their "intended" places and the entire sub-spectrum was forced into existence when I decided to create Julie because of energy misplacement... long story! Once again I'll explain that tomorrow.
BUT! The big event concerning the mess with Spine's slot and color mismatching is that I think Spine looks like she does because someone else originally held the Brown slot, and their "essence" was stripped leaving HER as a skeleton, and forcing the "rejected" energy straight down into the Black or something? I have no idea, I'm trying to figure it out... but yeah apparently that "rejected individual" never really died, so to speak, and the implications of that (keeping in mind the color shenanigans) are pretty disturbing, but they make SO much sense.
That's where the current roughness is from though. Let's just say she's not too happy with how much has changed as of late.

Third, the reason why I am inwardly giggling like a freaking Care Bear:
WALDORF IS BACK.
Guys you have no idea how much I missed her, oh man, I didn't know if she was dead or just buried but DUDE I am so happy to see her again. She was my literary muse during 2002 but she never stuck around because I don't think she had enough energy to fully stabilize? But here she is! And do you know what that means? OUR SPECTRUM IS COMPLETE!! Seriously she fits perfectly into the Blue slot Nathaniel just left (Leon is actually INDIGO which is huge and I don't know how I never saw it earlier but we'll get to that too), which is the slot that deals with communication, and if anyone is a natural-born expert at that it's her! So I'm psyched, and I'm already making mad progress in typing, haha. Dude this is great.
Also apparently her hair lights up?? I always thought they were scaly-dreads like Kerrigan's but no, they're actually translucent tubes of the same shape and they glow blue, it is the coolest thing!!
I'll have to see if her eyes change color or not; they're still red at the moment... and still terrifyingly gorgeous as usual!
...
_{fffffffffffff WALLY I MISSED THE HECK OUT OF YOU WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ♥ *continues fanboying*}

Lastly, and most briefly... in light of all of those events, I've come to a more complete realization of who I am, and why my dysphoria's been spiking lately in response. It's somewhat scary but incredibly inspiring and it just gives me so much hope. If I can stabilize... I know, without a doubt, that everything will fall together. Consider that my spirit quest for this new moon! I'm sincerely dedicated to this, for my sake, for everyone's sake.

Oh, one last tiny thing for my own consideration... if Lynne's in the Orange slot, Spine's in the Brown, and I'm in the Red (as there was confusion there for a few months), does Dagger fit the long-empty Red/Orange midpoint slot even if it's not his "typical" color? Because all the other mids seem to be bending the rules a little, and seriously if he fits our system then GET BUSY with that mad potential the dude's buzzing with; I swear if he doesn't end up with a symbol and soulwings before the month is out I will be sorely disappointed in you, haha. I mean come on, he even fits the "ambiguously gay swordsman" in-joke everyone in our coregroup matches already. The kid's a shoe-in.
HOWEVER I am completely unsure on the lower-spectrum individual placements, as I have been for years, which is a significant fact in and of itself. Lynne keeps sticking to Red, at least in her general appearance, BUT she's always had either a Pink or Orange tint to it?? That NEEDS to be looked into, now that I've realized it... on the same note, Spine felt surprisingly Orange in the past BUT she can't hold color because of her skeletal structure, obviously. If my theory concerning her "stripped energy" creation is correct I don't know if she's even SUPPOSED to hold color.
Plus, thinking back to how I only started to feel genuinely "like me" AFTER the "Jayce" phenomenon in 2010 started, and that didn't solidify until my title switch in January... let's just say I have a LOT to think about concerning that.

Also I surprised Xenophon today by making kale soup entirely without warning and she was so excited it was adorable (she loves that stuff). God I love her so much, I really do... last night I honestly just went into her room for a few minutes to watch her sleep because the fact that she exists is just... it's incredible. I am so honored to have played a part in bringing her here. I am so honored to be her father.
I know I can live up to that role. I will.


So yes. Life's been awesome even if I do feel somewhat sick right now due to either stress or food or both. Ah well. Can't complain!

Now I seriously need sleep so you guys can look forward to tomorrow's major headspace update until then.