the spectrum heart cathedral system

+ We had a LEGIT TRAUMA SHUTDOWN last night, which was very disturbing because WE COULDN'T "OVERRIDE" IT TO FRONT. The body was designated SO UNSAFE that EVERYONE WAS LOCKED OUT-- that is, notably, EXCEPT ANY VIOLENT PROTECTOR. Shockingly, WRECKAGE could get halfway in, as could our favorite "angry writer" (we THINK?)-- who STILL doesn't have a name OR clear color (they MIGHT be dark vermilion?? in any case they're NOT RED, not even Blood; their vibes are VERY specific and DON'T match hers!!)-- but THAT'S IT. Julie tried, Infi tried, Scalpel tried, Sugar tried, Knife tried, RAZOR tried, LAURIE tried-- but ALL of them either had "inapplicable" functions OR functions that were incompatible with the perceived DANGER and "REQUIRED" behavior/ lack thereof? Retributors ARE strong & crisis-anchored, BUT they CAN'T & AREN'T BUILT TO do anything in a "FREEZE" SITUATION!! The ONLY reason why WRECKAGE & "SCALD" COULD, is because the body is frozen to SURVIVE A PROLONGED THREAT, BUT if that threat becomes an IMMINENT DANGER-- especially directly-- WE NEED TO THEN FIGHT TO SURVIVE!!! And THOSE Nousfoni MUST THEREFORE BE SOCIALLY COMPATIBLE. After literally dying from it in CNC, LAURIE IS NOT. She's actually FORBIDDEN from publically fronting SO HER TRUE FUNCTION WILL BE PROTECTED & PRESERVED. She's MEANT TO BE INTERNAL; ALL HER POWER IS ALSO INTERNAL! She fights NONPHYSICAL threats. ON THE OTHER HAND, WRECKAGE EXISTS TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN, who historically and notably are threatened by OUTSIDE ABUSE!!! So she CAN get a foothold, however clumsily, EVEN if we're frozen, SOLELY BECAUSE WE ARE IN PERCEIVED DANGER AND MIGHT QUICKLY NEED TO JUMP INTO ACTION TO "SURVIVE" THAT DANGER.
HOWEVER. There's ANOTHER distinction. WRECKAGE STILL ISN'T A SOCIAL!!!! Her true roots are INTERNAL! She DID originally manifest OUTSIDE, BUT since the CHILDREN would not/ could not front, she ANCHORED INSIDE, to primarily PROTECT THEIR SELVES, but STILL ABLE & READY TO FRONT IF NEEDED-- a very unique case, since she IS ACTUALLY NOT MEANT FOR VIOLENCE. She would NEVER "attack" while in the body-- it wouldn't have affected the INTERNALLY BASED ABUSERS anyway. THAT'S why the RETRIBUTORS exist!! AND EVEN THEY were SHIFTED INSIDE when their external function got TOO DEEP in terms of SELFHOOD for them to remain a SELF-LIMITED SOCIAL. Ironically, that constrained & "shallow" sense of self IS WHAT ALLOWS SOCIALS TO BE "SOCIAL"!! They would NOT BE ABLE TO EXIST IN THE BODY IF THEY HAD THEIR OWN SELF-IMAGE & AWARENESS? THAT is why it is SO HARD to reach them or talk to them-- typically, their very awareness of "selfhood" is minimized, so they CAN switch at hyperspeeds AND not experience body dysphoria/ dissonance in the process: THE MAIN PURPOSE OF A SOCIAL IS TO "SOCIALIZE"-- TO EXIST IN THE BODY AS A CONTEXTUALLY CONSTRAINED "PERSONA," IN ORDER FOR US TO SURVIVE THAT CONTEXT. That INCLUDES Socials who exist to CHANGE or ESCAPE that context, if/ when it is deemed intolerable/ dangerous enough to require such active interference. So that includes BOTH the scared AND the scary.
ACTUALLY... thinking about it, I wonder if ALL SOCIALS TRULY ADHERE TO TRAUMA MECHANICS??? As in the triangle of VICTIM/ PERSECUTOR/ RESCUER, AND/OR the CPTSD "STRESS RESPONSE" SQUAD: FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN. Because it REALLY SEEMS APPLICABLE and it would make A LOT OF SENSE!!! It would ALSO FINALLY give us a way of understanding AND categorizing AND possibly even IDENTIFYING the Socials at large, who have been a frustrating enigma for YEARS, preventing UNITY between System levels & seriously affecting our ability to function at ALL, let alone as a WHOLE. Socials almost ALWAYS bring along DISSOCIATIVE EPISODES, either BY their fronting OR as the CAUSE/ TRIGGER FOR their fronting! Arguably, dissociation "STOPS" when they LEAVE??? Because trauma triggers-- although they DO force out Socials to cope physically, ALSO "wake up" the SPECTRUM, the "internal" nousfoni who MANAGE the CPTSD ITSELF. When the social situation is finally deemed "safe enough" TO allow ACTUAL THOUGHT & SELFAWARENESS, the "UPSTAIRS" folks IMMEDIATELY jump into action... INSIDE!!! Because THAT'S OUR JOB!!! And THAT'S why CNC was LETHAL-- it LITERALLY UPROOTED THE UPSTAIRS, dragging it into the SELF-SUPPRESSING SOCIAL REALM, and through that FORCED "REDEFINEMENT" OF FUNCTION-- MANDATED BY THE LEVEL SHIFT-- it ALL BUT MASSACRED CENTRAL. THAT'S ALSO WHY "CENTRAL" STILL HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO RECOVER-- the nousfoni who WERE so traumatically "repurposed" by that identity loss/ socialization of self, that they MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO "RECOVER" WITHOUT A HARD RESET. Which, arguably, most of them DID NOT??? The majority of us just... disappeared. They "can" be pinged in most cases, but the signal comes back MANGLED, which is HORRIFYING to consider. The pings ALSO feel STUCK ELSEWHERE?? Some undefined "space"; intangible & distant & separate. LIMINAL space, perhaps?? But the POINT is, "HEADVOICES" CANNOT FRONT WITHOUT BREAKING; at least, not for long, and even then EVERY instance is arguably "one time too many"-- it's STILL a minor trauma that FORCES a TOTAL SELF-CONTEXT WARPING. And that is OBJECTIVELY LETHAL. So, NO, WE SHOULDN'T BE "TRYING TO FRONT" IN A CRISIS-- THAT'S NOT OUR JOB!! OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT & GUIDE THE SOCIALS WHO ARE MEANT TO EXIST IN THE BODYSPACE!!! We just DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE YET, because we haven't had either the knowledge OR the opportunity TO do so! But now, literally right now, we have more insight than EVER into their sphere of existence, and more HOPE than ever for the ULTIMATE UNITY of us all. God willing, and God guide us!
...There are two places to start, I think? One, is to go through our old census & determine WHICH SOCIALS fit WHICH TRAUMA ROLES/ GROUPS; and two, is to help CENTRAL heal by RE-CLARIFYING & RE-ROOTING the souls of the Nousfoni who "died off" in CNC? We need to BETTER UNDERSTAND our INTERNAL function groups, too!!! I KNOW the "emotion wheel" applies at large, but what else? OH!! And WHERE IS THE OVERLAP OF FUNCTION?? Because there ARE some Nousfoni-- NOTABLY "SCALD"-- WHO EXIST IN THE "MIDDLE"??? They DO have self-awareness, but it's DIM & very limited in depth; YET it's ENOUGH to keep them OUT of fully fronting OR occupying bodyspace, while ALSO being insufficient to let them UPSTAIRS... so they end up, again, in LIMINALITY.
It's honestly a fascinating phenomenon that we've ONLY really been able to grasp OR recognize THROUGH THE HANDWRITERS. (XANGAS TOO!!) That was our FIRST cognizance of the fact that there IS a "midspace," a liminal realm "between" the "Inside & Outside," that COULD not only "hold" Upstairs folks WITHOUT their functions totally breaking, but ALSO that HELD ITS OWN NATIVE PEOPLE. When unidentified voices becan to speak out in obvious self-awareness, we realized how much BIGGER & MORE COMPLEX our innerworld was, more than we had ever imagined. But it's STILL such a mystery. We haven't had the opportunities TO "explore" it much, because it feels like you CAN'T really "go there" OUTSIDE of writing/ typing??? It REQUIRES that "halfway" state of mind TO access-- a "liminality" VERY different from "daydreaming" ("HEARTSPACE"/ LEAGUESPACE!), which DOESN'T involve the body as anything other than an "automated vehicle" in which TO dream, but NOT containing ANY sense of self at the moment (the typical audiovisual accompaniment facilitated that)-- and it CAN'T be "forced" as a result. Really, NOTHING TRUE CAN BE "FORCED," EVER. On that note, before I forget-- concerning the life-restoration AND/OR REASSIGNMENT of the Central Spectrum Nousfoni... that absolutely cannot be forced, even with "good intentions." Just because I/we might want someone to "come back" in a certain way, that doesn't mean that they will, OR even that they CAN. So there's a huge aspect of surrender required, in the inherent functionality of our System as a whole. ONLY GOD IS "IN CONTROL." The rest of us can only cooperate, in open-hearted humility & open-minded surrender, all of it through LOVE & TRUST & HOPE. But yes. We CAN'T control the growth process but we CAN PLANT SEEDS. And we do have some, concerning the Central fracturing aftermath? Paradoxically perhaps, but hopefully still. The keyword is "fracturing." Centralites, who would LOSE their own selves upon being forced to front, "GAINED" replacement "selves" ACCORDING TO WHAT THE SOCIAL SYSTEM "NEEDED" TO SURVIVE IN THE CONTEXTS THEY CONSISTENTLY ENTERED, "new SOCIAL functions" THAT WERE ALSO "FORCED" TO STILL "COMPLY WITH" THEIR INHERENT SPECTRUM HUE CHARACTERISTICS??? Let's use Infinitii as an example, as ze illustrated this the most dramatically: the FIRST TIME ze fronted, ze was ENTIRELY hirself, so to speak... at least, in essence? BUT JUST BEING IN THE BODY mandated a mutation of being, in taking a "spiritual" creature and MAKING them "physical"-- AND BY DOING SO THROUGH the SAME BODYSPACE AS THE TRAUMA-ANCHORED SOCIALS AND SELF-ABUSIVE PERSECUTORS!!! Mind you, VIBES STICK. That poor body went through enough hell for the ECHOES of it to LINGER, and to therefore DIRECTLY AFFECT ANYONE WHO ENTERED THAT SPACE. I guess what I'm trying to say is... bodies hold trauma. Infi was never meant to be in a body. Putting those two things together was doomed to end in catastrophe, and it did. BUT. IT DID NOT OCCUR IN A VACUUM!!! TBAS GROOMED HIR TO BE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED HIR TO BE. The traumatized body was already wrecked by it, and Infi's REAL and ORIGINAL purpose WAS TO TRY AND HELP US "ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE" IN A SXABUSE SITUATION WE SAW NO ESCAPE FROM. The ONLY "escape" was surrender, and Infi sure as hell did. Black is entirely receptive. Ze WAS doomed to being fatally corrupted/ redefined by an external force that DEMANDED surrender. And ze broke. Ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST INSIDE, and hir SOCIAL function was TOXIC-- a "fawn" role that would do ANYTHING it was told, "just to be loved." Our OWN definition of "love" was smothered & crushed; at least, with them it was. We "had to" acquiesce to THEIR definition for "love" to exist at ALL. But I'm getting off topic. The point is: Infi fronted SO MUCH, in SUCH SPECIFIC REPEATED CONTEXTS, that ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST UPSTAIRS; hir VERY FUNCTION was REVISED to a SOCIAL ROLE, fatally so. BUT. LAURIE KILLED HIR IN THAT STATE, CAUSING A "HARD RESET" INTERNALLY, and therefore POTENTIALLY ALLOWING FOR A FUTURE "REBOOT" WITH A DIFFERENT-- and HEALTHY-- INTERNAL FUNCTION!! Which is EXACTLY what happened, I think this spring? But "Infi" DID "resurrect," although ze IS still unstable AND DEEPLY TRAUMATIZED. Ze PROBABLY WILL NOT, and CANNOT, truly stabilize UNTIL ZE CLEARLY "DETACHES" HIR IDENTITY FROM THAT SOCIALLY CORRUPTED "NONSELF." ...however. THAT fact is the WILDCARD here. Infi, Laurie, and probably several others who "lost themselves" through fronting-- ALL of them were "ASSIGNED A "NEW" SOCIAL ROLE-SELF" to OVERRIDE their INTERNAL self and SHIFT THEIR VERY ROOTS TO THE SOCIAL SPHERE, NOT CENTRAL!! So Central was emptied, colors faded, identities were twisted beyond recognition... and the System crashed. It LITERALLY IMPLODED, like a dying star, & REMAINED like that for YEARS... but it COULDN'T STAY DEAD. TRUE LIFE CANNOT DIE. So, color began to return, and we began to remember our TRUE hearts again, slowly. AND YET. THE BODY DIDN'T DIE. SO NEITHER DID THE SOCIALS??? And, terrifyingly, perhaps those "spectrum splinters" didn't die, either. I wonder. After all, when Laurie first resurrected, she had a TON of disturbing difficulty "STABILIZING INTO HERSELF"-- because she had BEEN DAMAGED in that respect, LOST profoundly for a time, and although the HEART of her CANNOT be damaged, that heart has been scarred nevertheless. She's STILL unstable, her function unclear now, as she tries to distinguish the truth of her new life from the lies and turmoil of her social-skewed past. And when people in here are unstable, they splinter. And I've met them. They wear her face like a mask but they are APPARENTLY NOT HER, and their appearances/ vibes are beginning to shift, the more they ARE called out as liars. Eventually we hope that they'll be their "own people" and Laurie will clearly discern her self & function APART from them. Same with Infi, & Lynne, & many others I'm sure. And although right now those splinters ARE mostly negative-- TRAUMA HOLDERS by nature-- THEY, TOO, PLAY A PURPOSE and always did. It just needs to be purified & healed. So we must strive to do so, as we learn more about them, and ourselves. I feel this is a KEY STEP in finally healing/ forgiving that trauma. God I hope so. Please help us.

Good evening. This is Mulberry Delta. I've asked Sherlock, Laurie, and the full cast of Retributors if I may write tonight's update in their place, for the sake of the responsibility I feel towards them and cannot otherwise act upon.
There was a hack tonight. That is the most outstanding and direct detail. Garrison and the other Archivists have details but I choose not to look at them; that is not for me to know and I feel it would be rather disturbing to me.
I have a candle lit. I like to light them when things like this occur, as they give me a feeling of peace and prayer. With a candle burning, I feel we have a vigil of hope.
Atonement has resumed. Sherlock says there were "heartfelt thoughts" concerning that topic earlier this evening, when Jay was driving home from what is described as a rather synchronistic grocery outing.

Let me resume the main topic, forgive me. Sherlock is handing me the data so it may be a little choppy.
…This pains me to type. Simeon was screaming, with tears. It shocks me that he was the one to carry the consequences instead of Jeremiah. …Garrison says that was possibly on purpose, as Jeremiah was badly disturbed last night? I do not know how, but they claim he was badly shaken up early this morning and that event was extremely painful emotionally for the rest of us to become aware of. As I know Simeon is a very selfless and kindhearted boy, it does not surprise me to think that he would take on that pain in his stead, to spare him extra shock and fear, but it still hurts my heart to think that he, a child, would have to do such a thing in the first place. This is why I am glad that my friends, the Retributors, are "back in business." They bring a light and a purifying force of intention into these nights where there would otherwise be none.

Razor was the first to pick up a blade (our only new ones, courtesy of Wreckage). It surprised whoever saw her (I do believe it was Laurie; she was present almost immediately for the sake of keeping things coherent), and there was a question of "are you sure?" but Razor insisted yes, "she had a job to do" and continued. This personally surprises me, as earlier this year she was hellbent on not being a retributor anymore. She currently adds that she "had a change of heart," though.
Knife must have been the second, as there's a strong amount of responsibility surrounding him concerning this incident. None of it is negative, I must emphasize. The retributive half of this event was purely beneficial.
Knife's reaction is the most strongly recorded as well, "emblazoned" in the records. Upon seeing the blood notes on the body, painted by his sister, he apparently picked up the blade and decided to follow suit, re-taking up his original role in camaraderie with her. Immediately after seeing how easily and cleanly this new blade cut, and how quickly the blood sprang up and out, he smiled and began to laugh and cry. One line that was recorded is, "this was my purpose." He was sobbing with a sort of heart-wrenching gratitude the entire time. However, the most surprising aspect of his actions was that, when cleaning out the first rush of purified blood, his first and immediate instinct was to place the cloth in his mouth. We had no idea what he was doing at first, or why the motion had been so strongly instinctive, but then it registered-- he is a vampire, after all. Nevertheless we had never known why he had manifested as one, other than through his retributive connection to blood as a whole, so this was intriguing, especially since it was not motivated by "hunger" but rather by some vague sort of affection. Why this is, we do not yet know. Nevertheless we had to kindly chide him not to actually ingest any blood as we went along, as he was in a very emotionally sensitive state and so that impulse was equally strong.
The third person to appear was Algorith, who was mainly wishing aloud that she wouldn't have to "clean up" after anyone, as her first and only previous experience with that was painful enough for her to not want to relive it ever again. She cut a few scars, but not much is recorded for her. She, however, did comment that "Simeon was in the body" trying to keep her from harming it, due to a childlike dislike of pain. Data is vague but I do believe she gently but briefly explained her motivations to him, for which he moved aside.
The fourth person to appear was Sugar, rather suddenly as someone was cleaning the blood off the arms. She was "triggered" by the image of it on the cloth, surprisingly, as the pattern was strongly similar to that of her face "tattoos," all graceful delicate dots and lines. Garrison says that data, stored through her awareness, didn't register as blood at all, but instead as a "butterfly-esque" work of art, in terms of fragile beauty? That is interesting, thank you.
The fifth last person to appear, and the one who left the strongest energy residue in the body, was Wreckage. Sherlock says there's "no clear data" for a lot of this, as the event wasn't focused on archiving, but rather on immediately living in focus. So we're simply recording this for posterity, as they say, not for literal accuracy. Just a reminder.
Wreckage was angry, but she burns her anger in a condensed way, very differently from Laurie would in the same situation. So her main concern was how "ferocious" the hack had been, who was responsible, and how we could prevent this in the future. Sorry, the body is becoming very tired from stress shutdown so I may have to summarize this. Wreckage speaks "through her teeth," in a sense, as hers are very large and they give her a very identifiable speaking style when fronting. That was recorded clearly. The energy overlay of her claws was too, as she was momentarily distressed that she did not have them, instead owning only blunt fingers in this body. She insisted that she cut at least one scar, to "share in the responsibility" as a fellow Retributor, especially since she felt she should have detected and stopped this hack before it happened (something that likely would have been near-impossible in this situation). There's a data picture of her using the blade as a claw, saying she would "only cut a small one," and then there's a very strong string of data of her actually cutting a rather deep scar on the arm. Laurie jumped up in shock, asking her why she was being so ferocious about it, but Wreckage said it could have been much deeper, and besides, she felt it was more 'reverent' to be that deliberate, in light of the situation's gravity. Laurie agreed, and Knife also sided with Wreckage's sentiments.
The last clear data we have of Wreckage is of her cleaning up the blood and, upon seeing it slightly 'clot' upon drying, thinking it was Tar. Understandably she demanded an explanation, and then also asked if it was healthy for Knife to be wanting to ingest it if it was indeed so corrupted. Surprisingly, at these questions, Infinitii showed up. He said that, upon being 'bled out' into the air, the "red energy" was purified of Tar, hence why the atonement was needed. However he and Laurie then told Knife that the human body could not eat blood anyway, so it would be wise for him to not do that so eagerly. I do believe there was also a comment about there still being a risk of corruption as far as motives were concerned? Like, if Knife ate too much of the atoned blood, it would be akin to eating a "sacrifice," therefore being spiritually unhealthy. Apparently his small, oddly reverent actions of consuming it earlier were perfectly safe and allowed, especially in light of whatever their function was.

Julie showed up sometime during all this, furious and in tears, perfectly understandably. The thought that the same thing that had used her was still using us, and harming children as a result, was enough to make her blood boil. Sherlock says she asked Laurie, somewhat accusingly, "why she wasn't so angry too," and Laurie notably commented that Julie felt anger because she understood what it was like to endure such events, from a very direct perspective, and that if she were to empathize with the wounded that directly, it would probably emotionally destroy her. Laurie, however, could not understand that side of this situation, ever-- her very function of existence negates it. However, her function also includes her bearing the pain of others on an empathetic level, so she was able to feel the heartbreak and crushing sorrow that the wounded might be too scared or numb or furious to feel on their own. They both react with anger towards the hackers, and they both want to heal the hurt and prevent future pain, but they both feel and show it in very different ways.

Dread, the "dead red boy" (he seems to have temporarily chosen this name), was our main intermittent fronter for this whole thing. Healthily, he feels things "neutrally": without labeling them as 'good' or 'bad.' So he was able to simply 'exist in the moment' even as the Retributors were dealing with hack fallout all around him. Dread does not seem to feel any emotions, but again, this is not apathy, it is simply a sort of neutral zone. Unfortunately this peace only occurs in equally peaceful situations as of yet. Dread can and does still front in situations were emotions would be more traumatic than numbness, such as last night, but his 'neutrality' in those events is tinged with a very real feeling of fear, that functions as a sort of danger siren. After all, it is not healthy to endure such events for longer than is demanded or unavoidable, as we have learned from past failures. Thankfully Dread is not an apathetic fronter, so he does not do this. He recognizes and accepts the background fear that called him out, and so even though he will bear that in lieu of the pain of others, he will not stay longer than he must.

Jay is a little scared by all the cuts on the body, as he is the one who has to deal with them at night (I honestly haven't noticed them the entire time I've been typing; perhaps others are prevented from feeling that if they aren't tied to it?), but he has already emphasized rather sincerely that "he loves all of us," even in the wake of such an event, and he "hoped that love counted for something." Laurie insisted that it did, more than he knew, especially in light of what had just happened. I have to say I agree with her; having our core react with compassion and love for the entire System regardless of current pain, instead of regret or hate or anger or fear, seems to hold things together no matter what happens. I think we'll heal faster from this too. It is somewhat shocking to me even now, to see that the hack itself hasn't left much of a mark at all, at least not noticeably, as it is being drowned out by the collective hope and companionship and healing we've all endeavored to bring out in its wake.

Oh! One last note, this was just forwarded to me by Jay. Apparently Razor has decided that working with crayons might be her artistic outlet in lieu of cutting things? Someone used them as a "stress outlet" on… Sunday, Sherlock says? That entire day is noted as "very interesting," as there was a great deal of color synaesthesia tied to emotions and fronters? Something along those lines, but I'm being told not to write about that here. You'll have to be patient then.

I suppose that is all I have to say tonight. Sherlock says that'll do for now, thank you for helping me by the way.
Jay has a lot to say about "Outspacers" and System maps in the near future? He's apparently been working a lot with both of those topics lately, which is good to hear. We've been a bit of a mess since December, to paraphrase Laurie as of late. She took it harder than any of us, it seems.

Garrison wants me to add that the hackers are as of yet unidentified, and that they are still using positivity as weapons against us? It's difficult to type, this must be a touchy topic. Laurie says "of course it is, they've been using this to keep him and Chaos apart for years." I'll leave that as-is, I'm sure that says enough about the problem on its own without me going into details. It is a serious problem though, that needs to be emphasized above all else. "It needs to stop," at all costs.

Lastly, there is apparently a "newly manifested" voice in the Crimson slot, who is apparently the "splinter of Razor" that Knife has been suspecting since last year?? I was not aware of this. Apparently she was splitting on her anchor and that could not be reconciled, so she went through a time period of "mental division" similar to how Sugar did, until a color slot opened up that matched that "new person" so they could break of and become their own person? I'm sorry, this is a bit overwhelming but that's what I've got in terms of data here. Sherlock, take over for me.
All right. You'll all know, Sugar was badly split for several months in terms of her anchor, also because several faceless voices were sharing that same anchor at the time. We've pinpointed that Wreckage was the latest and last person to show up from that string of individuals, and she has officially "taken over" Sugar's original chosen anchor, that of violent rage towards those who would use Pink energy (affection, childlike sweetness) for lurid and otherwise harmful purposes. That's the short version. However, Razor was also conflicted because she originally shared her very consciousness with Cannon, as well as the Tar, back when the BLC was first discovered. When she became her own person, that anchor had not changed, but her personality no longer matched it. So she appears to have been in a similar state to that of Sugar for quite some time now, and as of today we finally have conclusive evidence of there being a Crimson-slot voice (now that Eros is confirmed demanifested) that holds the exact personality break Razor had been shifting to and from during her Tar-tied days. I hope that's not all hopeless jargon to the lot of you. Nevertheless, yes, this was a sort of "aha" moment for me, as I recognize this energy and I do wish to write about this in the future when it is not midnight and the body is not desperately trying to recover from blood loss and toxic food and lack of sleep. I apologize for that.

The green "oni girl" is indeed still alive as well, she is not a Retributor, but rather a sort of Protector. However she is still nameless and is not yet able to interact with headspace without glitching out, as her anchor is still rooted Downstairs. We will be trying to work with her more in the near future as well.
The "Victorian Pink" girl's name is confirmed to be Ashen, as it stuck.
"Pinstripe," aka Jayce, is still an anomaly in terms of color and function, for the record. He may be a Sub of Brown, Aqua, or White at this point.
And of course the Outspacer phenomenon is being duly studied by Jay, as any and all concrete data on it now will greatly aid all of us in understanding how the Spectum lineup works a little better.

That is all for tonight, I believe we have spoken enough. Thank you in turn, Mulberry, for your assistance and dedication to your job. I am honored and grateful to have you as my assistant, and as a dear friend.

Have a good night, as Jay would say.

-Sherlock
- Mulberry Delta

 

 

 

humansofnewyork: "I ran away to California for a week without telling anyone. I wanted to remove myself from everything, to see if I could work out some things in my head. But it actually created more problems. I learned it doesn’t really work that way."
"How do you mean?"
"Just that if you can’t figure out your problems in your present circumstances, you’re probably not going to figure them out by running away from them."

 

I moved out-of-state three times for this reason, and had to return due to my 'problems' becoming monstrous as a result. So this rings very true.
Your problems are within you. No change in physical location will change that.
Problems, troubles, pains, will all resurface, over and over, until you can heal them and let them go. That's a fact of life.
Ultimately, you really do just need to face them head-on, and deal with whatever happens from there. One day at a time.

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@ 12:21 am

We had at least five total-integration attempts over the past 12 months. Unfortunately they were all instigated by less-than-benevolent individuals, and were more concerned about destroying people than really integrating healthily.
But yeah, somehow, we survived. The first two attempts actually made our dissociation much worse. Our System member count has tripled from what it was in 2012, solely because half of us didn’t show our faces until our entire inner world was shaken to its core with those attempts.

...It is a very common occurrence in our System for people to “die and come back,” in as little as minutes to as long as several years. Our headspace seems to have a permament rule of thumb that, “if someone is needed, they will not— and cannot— stay dead, for the sake of everyone else.” Some people have tried to stay dead (notably Javier), but ultimately, yeah, the System itself will bring them back IF AND WHEN they are needed to be alive. If they were supposed to integrate, or disappear, or otherwise fade away… then they will stay gone.

 

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@ 01:32 am


Just a quick note.
Headspace/heartspace tends to snap back with a bang when it's been ignored for a while, usually with a surge of dark things from under the surface too. It forces focus, really.
So this evening, we had a legit hack. Scared us all badly. Haven't had one of those since... mid-December? I think? Don't remember. Could be sooner, but no memory. Anyway nothing this bad since Javier died, I would wager. Most of us thought it had stopped permanently, but no, there are still OLD deep roots. So this revealed those at least.
In short: the perpetrator was a splinter. We thought they died in 2011! But no, this was clearly and undeniably the same guy. So the System is pretty shaken up, we didn't expect this at all, especially not now. But there it is.

As a result a bunch of people came out today, for the first time in weeks.

 
First, we have a ton of people tied to eating disorders, but the head honcho finally showed her face for good today. She calls herself "The Destroyer." She's also right on the fence between being benevolent or malevolent, what with her anchor being what it is. We'll write more about her tomorrow.

Infi was out for about five minutes in the evening. Ze's the only reason we got through this without a total meltdown, as he managed to redirect the hacker intent at the last second.

The "Victorian pink" girl finally revealed herself (we've been suspecting her). She is human, strongly tied to OLD trauma, and seems stuck around age 13-14. She's very wounded emotionally and is obviously traumatized from abuse. She also seems totally unaware of headspace, with her focus being solely on the horror and pain she is mentally stuck in reliving right now. She's also markedly suicidal, in a desperately frantic sense, which is obviously a major concern.

Sylvain's brother was out shortly, to chase someone bad away. Good to know he's still able to front.

Some new but shockingly solid green girl was out, fighting shadows in the downstairs bedroom with scissors. She's non-human (somewhat demonic actually?), but fiercely benevolent, and seems to be a protector. We're going to try and find her inside ASAP, as Green people are rare and we definitely need her help right now.

Overload was also out temporarily, to forcibly tell the A.P. not to try and trigger any body memories. She was surprisingly powerful in forbidding anyone from even trying to move the body at the time.

Lastly, Mulberry and Knife both co-fronted for a few minutes before we detached from the situation entirely and went online. Mulberry was trying to clear any lingering hack energy from the environment, to keep any bad triggers from jumping up during the night, and Knife was making sure no one tried to self-abuse or otherwise harm the body (as there were some very strong inclinations and attempts to).

 

After all that we did a headcount and we're at 60 now, as far as stable and identified people go. To think, back in 2012 there were barely 20 of us known. But it's nicer now, with everyone. There are so many good people in here, we love them. We all love each other really, that's the thing that keeps us going even when bad nights like this happen, because they will. Blood and sunshine, my friends. Y'need both.

That's it for tonight. Battery is almost gone, we need sleep anyway.
Dreams lately have been very enlightening (and headspace people are showing up in them lucidly again!) but we haven't posted them online yet. Also a few more audio notes to post to the archives once someone stops being afraid to listen to them. Doubt is a terrible thing, when it affects the existences of others.
Nevertheless it's late and we're tired and typing nonsensically isn't helping anyone. Have a good night.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 01:54 am


It's odd, but moving nevertheless.

Five years after finding her, by some glorious accident, that photograph of her illuminated face is one of the only things that can restore my hope in a single instant.
She's become a sort of intangibly eternal monument to the purity of inspiration, and of the inherent beauty in all things. Does that make sense in words?
Looking at her, even now, after so much has changed... the reality of her existence still makes me believe, with total surrendering conviction, that my own existence isn't anywhere near as dark as I may feel it is.

How odd. But how lovely, too.

 

(this was such a life-changing, emotionally raw, brutally honest entry that we are actually going to leave it completely uncensored. to edit it in any way would be to take away from the sheer impact and pain of the original event.)





SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JAY IRIDOS  INFINITII ETERNOS   +MEL V. (GUEST)



063013 20:39PM
J YOU BLOODY IDIOT IF YOU KILL YOURSELF I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUS AS HELL
Whenever you get this, get the hell upstairs. I don't care what you're in the middle of. TALK TO ME.
Those downstairs bitches are screwing with your head something fierce and I REFUSE to just sit back and watch this disaster continue any longer.
Don't you dare die on us, kid.
Talk to me.

070113 4:13PM
I daresay we discussed this last night, and this morning, at least to some extent.
But I agree. This keeps happening, and I know downstairs is a problem. It's weird that they run whenever you're around, for one.
I'm not quite sure what's going on, but we DO need to talk.
Xanga session tomorrow, or tonight?
(p.s. I love you, thank you for not beating the shit out of me for being such an idiot, haha.)

11:34PM
JEWEL DON'T YOU DARE

I'm trying not to.

Fuck you, man. FUCK YOU.
God damn it I cannot do this for another fucking night
I swear to god.
Don't do this shit, please.

Laurie I don't have any fucking methods lying around except pills! That's it, it's unreliable, are you happy now?
I'll be alive and dead for at least one more night.

No. I'm not fucking happy because one day, those goddamn pills will be ENOUGH for you to say "fuck this shit" and down 'em anyway.
I know you, I've seen you get that goddamn close before!!
WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.

i can't heal, damn it i can't seem to heal and i don't know why
i'm sorry laurie, i love you but i'm sorry this keeps happening.

No fucking SHIT you can't heal, you won't acknowledge the fact that you're MISSING A FUCKING ARM at this point.
You have gone through SO fucking much damage it's a miracle that you can still fucking WALK at this point.
And you STILL insist there is NOTHING WRONG.
THAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM.
You know that just as well as I do but you WON'T ADMIT SHIT.

laurie that's the problem this SHOULDNT BE A PROBLEM

FUCK YOU IT IS A PROBLEM
YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF OVER THIS SHIT
THAT MAKES IT A GODDAMNED PROBLEM.
I don't care if you don't think it's legit.
I DO.
THAT'S REASON ENOUGH, GOD DAMN IT.

but laurie julie was right
i shouldnt be sick over this
something is wrong with me

Don't give me that "shouldn't" shit.
Fuck all of that.
Let's focus on what IS happening, which is:
1. You ARE sick.
2. Julie was a BITCH when she said that to you, and you KNOW IT.
3. NOT EVERYONE ON THIS FUCKING PLANET FUNCTIONS THE SAME DAMN WAY.
You're ALLOWED TO BE DIFFERENT.
It's not going to make you a "heathen" or any of that shit, so chill out for God's sake.
J, TALK to me.

I am hold on
do you want to go on xanga or something isntead

Fuck no we don't have time, I want this shit written down so you can look back on it later IF you have another suicidal fucking meltdown, keyword is "IF" because GOD DAMN IT I do NOT want this happening EVER AGAIN, do you hear me?!

yes i hear you laurie
what do i do
if all it does is keep you from getting angry like this
i'll try one more day

You're going to try a FUCK of a lot more than one goddamn day, kid.
I am NOT going to let you die.
Talk to me.
Slowly, if you have to. Do you want me to ask questions? Yank this shit out of your ribcage since you've apparently nailed it shut again?

why laurie
don't take offense to that
but really, why

Fuck off and don't finish that thought.
I won't let you die because I love the hell out of you, kid.
Selfish, maybe, in your eyes at least.
I don't give a shit.
I love you and seeing you go through this shit for as long as I've been ALIVE has been hard enough.
Seeing you hit this point again, three fucking years after we BOTH almost kicked the bucket for the first time, is too goddamned much for ME to take.

i'm having
i'm having a lot of trouble with love right now
i am so sorry
i know it's being misplaced

That's the problem.
Kid, that is the fucking problem right there, and you have no goddamned idea how much it hurts me to see you say that.

go on

Heh.
Good to see you're listening.
But that's my fucking point.
Listen, I don't give a shit WHO you were in the past, none of that matters right now.
Can you look inside and tell me that you can TELL who you are RIGHT NOW?
Beneath all this shit.
Just let me know, can you fucking differentiate who you are from what you aren't? That's step one.

just barely
there's a little glimmer somewhere buried
just a little. i can barely feel it
can't give you any details sorry

That's fine, that's absolutely fine.
Hold on to that.
Okay?

okay
Okay.

Heh. Good to see some punctuation, kid.
Listen, where can we start with this that won't throw you the fuck off your newfound footing?
Can we start by talking about the pain or something?
Shit, I dunno, I don't want to push you too far.
Give me some pointers, kid.

Define "pointers"

Read the rest of the fucking message, I know you skipped it.

Okay, keeping footing. (had to retype that), sorry.
Um... i'm just going to be blunt
i just wrote a blurty entry have you seen it

Kid, capitalize. Fucking capitalize.
Even forced control over a little thing will help you stabilize there. Okay?

Okay.
Have you seen it?

No.
Do you want me to read it now, or check out the headlogs?

Read it please. Maybe you'll see something I missed.

All right, give me a minute, kid.
...
Fuck, I want to reassure you but I don't want it to sound like canned fucking nonsense.
I won't even waste my time writing examples.
Just know that if I had the words, I'd give them to you right now, to help you through. To light things up a little.
But I don't, and it sucks.
Let me read that entry, hold on.
Kid, did you fucking read this YOURSELF?
Because this is EXACTLY what I'm trying to tell you.
Here, let me quote:
"I am terrified when people love me, or want to get close to me in any way."
"I haven't healed at all; the wounds keep getting deeper."
I'm not going to fucking read anymore because I swear to God I am going to cry if I read you apologizing to me for trying to kill yourself even one more goddamned time.

i'm glad i wrote that down sheesh
thank you whoever wrote that

Yeah, no shit.
Pull yourself together, kid.
Blast from the past, huh?

heh. yeah.
I'll capitalize, sorry.
That actually helped.

Good! Fucking great. Now let's talk straight for heaven's sake.
What the hell happened with Infi?
Don't chicken out on me, I know you can talk about this. Be cryptic if you have to.
We need to deal with this shit, don't make me pull another goddamned "Drowning" session on you here.

i might not be able tto capitalize is that ok

Yes, kid do whatever the fuck you need to, just talk to me, please.
What happened-- let's word this shit better-- that made you so fucking suicidal? What happened that made you realize "I'm hurt, I'm not healing, I can't deal with this?"

dissociating
woek up feeling wrong and dead tired
knowing something is broke
i'm not sure i honestly do NOT KNOW

Kid you know SOMETHING and it is right there in that fucking journal entry.
Let me spell it out for you, ready for this shit?

Yes, just hrury up, i think i'm sliping.

Fuck, just hold on there kid, please.
Here, here's the fucking problem:
YOU WERE ABUSED.
Can you read that shit?
Here, let me type it again.
YOU WERE ABUSED, IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, AND YOU ARE ALLOWED TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT SO YOU CAN FUCKING HEAL FROM IT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR DAMN LIFE.

I KNOW
ONE OF US KNOWS, OKAY
JEREMIAH KNOWS,, THAT'S WHY HE'S HERE
JULIE KNOWS TOO
YOU KNOW
CHAOS KNOWS
GENESIS KNOWS
EVERYONE KNOWS EXCEPT ME
i'm sorry.
I I can't seem to look right at it

I know. God damn it, kid, I know.

Here, I'm inviting Mel over.
Does that help?

Fuck, sure, let's figure this out.




070213 12:26AM

Laurie, what can I do.
If I had the money, I'd pay for the surgery myself, I swear. I'm so sorry.

Surgery? Wait, fuck, is his dysphoria kicking back in on top of this shit or what??
Wait, hold on, don't listen to me, I'm a fucking mess.
Kid said you wanted to talk. I'll be right there.

I might need to tell you my idea in a separate window...

Sure, hit me.

The only thing I can think of, and I think it would work if we could figure it out, is to smelt the splinters back into a whole person. It probably won't be the same person, but at least it will be whole. That's why I'm asking about fire.

I figured as much.
Don't know if the kid would be too keen on the idea, but it makes sense.

Doesn't matter. Most of the splinters probably would hate the idea, but you have to ask what's best for the system.
And these splinters do not seem like the best thing.

I know, I'm just concerned as fuck about what it would do to J.
I'm really not sure if he could handle having all those sharp edges shoved back into his head at once.
That's kind of what we've been trying and failing to do in small amounts for about two years now.

Can he handle the alternative?
If you've been trying in small amounts, then maybe try all at once.

I really don't know. You're probably right.

It's going to take some planning, though.
And a safe place. You have to make sure that no one will interfere.

I'm sure Infi will lend us his bubble if we need it.

Also, it's not shoving them back into place. Smelting involves melting it down and then recasting it into a new shape.

Good point.
What shape'd you have in mind, then?

Have you tried that?
A heart.
Seems like the best fit for this kid, anyways.

Heh. It does.
And no, we haven't tried actually "melting" the splinters into anything, mostly because I'd have no fucking idea HOW.
But you've got an idea, which is more than I've had concerning this.

You have to have fire/heat/lots of energy. Jo might be able to help, because lightning can deal a lot of instant heat.
But I think it might actually take the red slot being filled and then everyone from the other slots doing everything in their power to smelt the splinters down, and then shape it while it's hot before it forms into the wrong shape.

You know what.
We might not even need fire.

Why not?
Also, you have to gather every single one of the splinters together. If you miss even one, the problem will likely not go away but could even get worse.

Shit, then there's a problem already, heh.
We have NO idea how many there are. We haven't even been able to count them yet.

Then work on that?
It might be difficult, but at least it's a place to start. Also, try not to let them know what's going on. At least a few of them aren't going to be happy.

We are. It's hard enough cataloging all these bastards downstairs.
I don't think they're capable of knowing either. Not unless J knows.

Then don't let J know?
Sorry, I might be starting to slip. I'm trying to stay here, but after a certain time a flip switches and it's difficult for me to comprehend much.

Hey, if you need to go, then go.
I'll handle this. I usually do.
You have done MORE than enough and I appreciate it a hell of a lot.

Are you sure you can handle it without me? J's in a pretty bad place right now.

I'll do what I can. I promise.

That doesn't answer my question.

I guess it doesn't.
Listen, if I need help I'll get some. There are people waiting in the wings should I need them. That's a guarantee.

Where?

Infi, Chaos, Lynne, Genesis, the usual gang.
Shit, you should have seen last night, we had everyone helping out.

I wish I could have been there.

Why's that?

Because maybe then this wouldn't be a problem anymore.

Ah. Yeah, maybe. It'd be nice.

I just remember the feeling of channeling you and Chaos. It was so weird but good at the same time. It felt like we got somewhere with the kid then.

Heheh, yeah, I agree 100%.
I think we did. He thinks about it a lot.

Do you remember it?
I'm curious. When you were around, you told me no wonder the two of us didn't get along in person. We work on completely different frequencies.

Vaguely. It's a little waterlogged, haha.

I can always tell when you're around because your energy is different than everyone elses.
I'll never forget what Chaos feels like.
Sorry, I'm getting all sentimental and happy.
*sappy

I'm chuckling at that typo.
But shit, yeah, Chaos is INSANE.

Well I guess it's different because we're both water types so we just kind of meshed.
It's like when the river pours into the ocean, you can't tell the types of water apart anymore.

Makes sense.
I'm just... fuck. Not used to that sort of depth. Not like that.

What do you mean?

I've been around CZ since then.
More accurately, when he's been around J.
And I'll tell you what, I can barely stay in the room sometimes.
It's you water people, I swear, you and your inner oceans.

It's not quite the same, between he and I and he and J.
I think it's similar, but not the same.

You have no idea.
Yeah, the reactions are similar.

No, I don't.
I miss that , sometimes. I really wish I could bond to Q like that because it's the most beautiful thing.

Heh. I'll have to tell him you said that, if you don't mind.
...They've been having some trouble recently, to say the least.
Breaks my heart really.
Don't you ever get like this, y'hear?

Like what?

Like J is right now.
Doubting every bit of love in his heart because he's fucking terrified of what he's been told about it.
I don't even fucking know.
He's a mess and it breaks my heart.

I have Q as my anchor, so even though things get bad I don't think that they will ever get that bad.

Shit.

What?

I'm glad to hear that, Mel.
I'm just really torn up about this.
Whoa, emotional honesty from Laurie, talk about a rarity.

I'm glad I could witness it.
And I can see why you would be.

Yeah, it's rough.
Sometimes I really, really doubt my ability to keep him safe anymore.
Talk about an existential crisis.

Yeah, since that's your entire duty.
Just, don't give up on him.

I won't.

I don't know that it was exactly like this, but I had a lot of trauma I was dealing with from the first 18 years of my life. Even though nothing seemed to change for a long time, Q did not give up on me. He kept telling me the things I would never hear from other people and it wasn't until I got out of the environment that made all of the noise and gave me the wrong impressions that he was able to get through for more than a few days at a time.
Seems like something similar is going on.

It does.

So the only permanent solution is getting out of that house and then you continue to tell him that. Until then, just keep him alive.
I'm sorry I can't help out more with that.

S'fine, I know that's important.
I'm just scared as shit because I swear, his family hasn't said a fucking word to him about this stuff in months.
Yes, there are triggers, but all the real nasty shit is in his head now.

His family is not going to help him.
Wait, I might have understood him wrong.
Them not saying anything can actually make it worse.
It can make J think that he's making stuff up and that they were never actually as bad as he thought they were, so then he's the horrible person because he thinks badly of them when he has every right to think badly of them.

Aha, good, I thought that was an issue.
Good to see we're on the same page.
He's already thinking that.

I know. I went through the same thing myself.
They might have changed now, but that doesn't mean that at one point they weren't bad people.

He has a very hard time understanding that.
Ironically, his brain seems to be very black and white.
"If they aren't bad now, they were never bad at all."
It drives me fucking bonkers.

Nothing works that way.

Yeah, I know.

You can't even sketch without shades of gray.

CZ is real messed up by it too because he deals with it personally every fucking night.
I like that comparison, btw.

Share it with him if you think it will help.

Will do.

I seriously do need to go. Please feel free to keep talking in the same window, as I would like to check the message in the morning just so I can know what you've talked about.

Sure thing.

And as always, let me know if there's anything else I can do.

I will. Thanks again, really.

Anytime. Just...don't let him die. I don't think I could handle that.

I swear on my life that I won't.
He'll be here in the morning.

Thank you for doing what I can't

Same to you, friend.

2:31AM



070213 12:35AM

Whoa, wait, sorry, is this a new window?

Ahaha, yes it is, you fucking idiot.

Yeah it is, but that's fine.

She said stay in the other chat box.
Oh, hey Mel. Sorry to interrupt.

This works better, it's fine
Can tell you apart better.

okay.

All right, so where are we picking up from?

So tell me what's going on.

Mel, did you make any progress with this kid?

Uh, what do you mean by progress?

Well I've been trying for the past fucking half hour or so to get him to at least ADMIT that he's in pain for a legitimate reason.
Haven't quite gotten there yet.

He's talking to me, which is more than I've been able to do.
In the past, anyways.
Even if he hasn't admitted it, I can tell he's in serious pain.

Good, that makes two of us then.

i told you laurie SOMEONE knows abot the pain but theyre hidden deep i think

The only thing I can think of is that kid needs to get help from people who care. I just don't know how and I'm looking for anything.

you care yorue helping

Kid, she means someone BESIDES her and I for once.
Also.

People who care and have the ability to get you out of this situation and to real progress. I couldn't support you in the way you needed.

You said Jeremiah exists because of this shit, that he knows and I know and basically EVERYONE fucking knows why you're suffering right now EXCEPT YOU.

Who is Jeremiah?
I know I've heard his name before, but I am drawing a blank.

Downstairs guy. Pinkish. Fucking terrified of women.
We just brought him upstairs last night, hoping to get him the hell away from what's perpetuating HIS chronic state of paranoia.

And he exists because of what exactly?

Sexual abuse.

DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT
SHUT UP.

YOU SHUT UP, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE KID'S CHAT.
J, get back here.

trying.
hold on

And the PTSD from that is causing the suicide urges/attempts/whatever they are?

yes

Sorry, I'm not familiar with the jargon and I don't want to call it the wrong thing.

there i said it are you happy
no its okay

Yes, bottom line is, he's hurt as hell and it keeps coming back to haunt him.
Honestly I've been crossing my fingers hoping he wouldn't crash like this again, but I guess it was only a matter of time.

Have you considered getting the PTSD treated aside from the other issues?

yes weve tried all the time.

It's okay, I'm not going anywhere. My research is actually paying off. I've been reading the archive, so I'm familiar with what was recorded between 2003 and 2011.

Really? Haha, see kid, I told you not to delete that thing.

i guess

Please don't. It's helping me more than you know.

i mean i cant remember it anyway so

Believe me, I'm keeping it up there.
Held off quite a few attempts already.

What can I do? I just feel so limited in my ability to help, but I want to help.
Laurie, if it gets bad enough, would you be able to call for help? Like calling 911 if it came down to it?

Fuck, if I had to I'd saw off my own damn arm if it'd help him.
I can talk on phones. If shit gets that bad, I'll do it.

Apparently, you can ask for someone who is crisis intervention trained and they'll approach it in a much better way than the cops would.
Has it gotten that bad? How bad has it gotten?

I'll make a note of that, thanks Mel.
It's... he's playing with suicide methods now. Kind of testing it out, y'know.
Got me freaked the hell out is what.

Because staying in that house is not an option. Not with the way everyone in that house acts.

stop telling people

J, someone needs to know.
And I am probably the only person in the world downstairs that cares enough to be here and not write you off as a complete nutcase/something that can't be treated.
Sorry if I'm addressing the wrong person. I'm not familiar enough with people up there to know who is talking when.

no, j is fine, i'm still here somewhere.
i'm a splintered mess of jumbled pieces but i can still hear you underneath it all

Which is good to hear, kid.

Yes, it is.

Listen... fuck, I don't know if I should say this.
Don't give Infi the cold shoulder because of this shit.
Just please, don't.
Chaos is taking it hard enough.
I am too.
Don't pull this shit on someone else.
All right?

laurie i dont know how NOT to right now
im sorry.

Fuck, you said ONE of you knew what the deal was, can HE at least try and sort through this shit without ignoring that it happened in the first place??

I am trying but there is a VERY fierce buffer on and it is VERY hard to type.
Look, I'm even capitalizing, how's that?

It's a good sign, kid.
Is that you, I assume? J?
"Mister Iridos," should I say?

I'm a bit lost.

Haha, yeah, that's me.
Sorry Mel, give me a moment love.
Laurie I know what's up, I know what happened, I'm personally not bothered by it.

You got it.

Problem is I am one little tiny piece of myself right now, if that makes sense.

It does, kid, believe me it does.
At least YOU know.

I think I got lost at "Don't give Infi the cold shoulder"
Everything after that I don't understand.

Heheh, sorry 'bout that. I'll clarify in a sec.
J, tell me you at least KNOW that there IS a problem, even if half of you insists it "shouldn't exist?"

Also, I read an incredibly relevant thing from the old xanga today.
Let me find it.

Really? Pray tell.

Also, yes, sorry I was in another window, yes I know there is a problem.
The second half of that is tough.
I'm not sure where the weird mindset came from, let me try to word it:

It's from this entry: https://prismaticbleed.dreamwidth.org/246018.html
Mainly this: "That's not enough anymore. You know what really made this hurt? You know what really drove this point into my ribs? Every night, you ask Chaos if he still loves you. Every goddamn night for as long as I can remember. And you don't say it out of habit-- you honestly fear that his answer will be no, because you honestly believe that you're not worth loving after all the hells you've managed to struggle through. God, Jewel, that man's soul is permanently connected to yours and he chose that, five years ago!
...
He is not going to change his answer, ever. I am not going to change my answer, ever. Until you accept that, until you learn to genuinely forgive yourself and realize that you are NOT a bad person, we are not going to get anywhere. You may think it's your biggest weakness anymore... but your heart, as paradoxically innocent as it is, will always be the strongest thing about you. You know what I mean."
Emphasis on the second half.

Hold up, geez, let me read that.
Oh my god, I JUST referenced that entry at him ten minutes ago.

Haha.

ahahaha wow
WOW
universe is being loud, wow

Yup.

um. where was i. explanation.

Where the weird mindset came from in not wanting Laurie to say things.

"I was badly damaged a long time ago, but I convinced myself it was my fault, because my abuser AND my entire social network essentially told me that "I should want that sort of thing to happen to me." So I perpetuated it because I was CONVINCED that I "needed fixing," even if I was terrified and in pain. After so long, I believed that lie I told myself, except now, I'm too damaged to tell what is a lie and what isn't anymore."
That is me TRYING to put this main problem into a coherent paragraph?
In response to you telling me to "acknowledge this shit" earlier, Laurie, excuse my language.

No one should want that sort of thing to happen to them.
Ever.
That is rape culture and it's disgusting and pervasive and horrible and it's one of the most evil things to ever be on this earth.

THANK you.

This society needs fixing. You may need fixing, but you do not need to be fixed in that you feel like you need to want that sort of thing to happen to you.

but it's it's true though
they all told me it is true

I think what needs fixing is the damage that happened from it.
IT IS A LIE

what is

No one should want to be raped.
That is not the truth.
No one should be expected to want sex.

she was fixing me there is something inherently wrong with me if i didn't seek that out msyelf
i have to i'm wrong if i don't

Kid, shut the FUCK up if you're going to keep spouting that nonsense.
That is UTTER BULLSHIT.

I don't believe you.

Where the hell did you get that perspective from???

No Laurie, I don't think he should shut up.

J, not Mel, sorry.

I think that we should address this.
That perspective comes from most of the world, Laurie.
It's disgusting.

...Sorry. Honestly, I'm losing my cool here.
Go on.

Who was fixing you, J?

julie mostly
ththen 2011 happened and

What was she fixing?

fuck i dont want to talk abot it

You have to.

ghgkds

J, fucking hold on, you can do this.

This will never get solved if you never talk about it.

i dont want to look at it
im not supposed to look at it

Look at what?

tell it to go away
the thing
things that happened

Who is talking right now?

someone??
someone under the guise of "j"
pieces.

Shit, we're at this point again.
God damn.
Keep talking, sorry.

Laurie, what's going on?

He's too damn compartmentalized.

I'm not sure I understand.

He's got this mindset that he needs to keep himself pure as ever, so anything that "threatens that" gets chucked in the splinter bin.
Break off that memory, forget it ever happened.
He KEEPS DOING THAT and frankly I didn't realize to what extent it's been happening until the past year or so.
Too damn late, sadly.

So these memories got chucked in the splinter bin, but the PTSD from it is still around?

Yeah. It's just attached to them instead.
So when he's faced with a problem, we have two outcomes:

So then why is J considering suicide?

Because mister "I'm untouched by everything!" can't keep faking it anymore.

Also, is there anyone in the system that has a fire element or can smelt things together?

It's getting impossible.

Aside from J.

He used to be that person, haha.
Now I don't fucking know. I'll have to look.
But as I was saying, two options.

Please do. I have an idea. But tell me your options.

One, ignore the existence of any and all pain and problems.
Basically, that's why we get fucking NOWHERE with therapists.
The "pure J" fronts and is all "hey doc, I dunno why I'm here, I'm untouched and spotless, never been sad a day in my life!"

And two?

Option two is to stop lying.
But he can't do that, by his self-inflicted function as "the pure one."
So the splinters come out instead.

I'm not sure I quite understand.

Because those are the parts of him that DO remember, and DO hurt, but he refuses to acknowledge their existence.
So right now we're talking to pieces of his psyche, not the whole guy. If that makes sense.

Yes, it does.

He can't "be whole" UNLESS he accepts all that shit and heals.
And he fucking WON'T DO THAT.

But are things still getting through?

Yeah. It registers, somewhere. I

Can he hear what we are saying?

Fuck, sorry.
I've noticed that it does.

That what does what?

Things get through, even if the "real" J isn't out front.
So yeah. Deep down he hears us, even if it'll only "register" later.

Find me someone who has fire or can smelt things. I guess metal or glass might also work?

that was all me and fire is tied to red no one else has it yet

See, told you.

What does his boss deal with and what are the splinters made of?

His boss deals with snow from what I've seen, snow and dreamdust.

splinters are me
made of me

Can you tell me what everyone else deals with?

little bits and peices like tat poem someone wrote a long LONG time ago

Shit, uh, some of us aren't sure yet but this is what I've got:

Anything would help.

Me: Space, used to be lightning
Leon/ Markus: Ice
Julie/ Ryman: Shadow
Chaos: Water
Genesis: Light, air (sometimes)
Lynne: Sound
Nathaniel: Plants
Infinitii: Space
And J's Heart as far as I'm concerned.

Who is Ryman and Markus?

Ryou and Marik, they go by different names in headspace.

Oh, okay.
Does anyone deal with metal?
Or molten things?
Also, is J himself a splinter?

yes, finally someone gets it

Wait, wait wait wait.
I thought-- really?

So J no longer deals with fire?

yes, duh laurie, i wasn't even alive a few years ago, you know this.

Shit.
And no, no he doesn't, not since he left RED.
He says it "feels wrong."

So no one deals with fire.

No one that we know of, sorry 'bout that.
Jewel might. Or whatever her name is.
But I don't know if she's capable of surviving within headspace.
She's old and VERY context-locked.
Downstairs people, y'know. They're a mess.

What about Jo, Spine and Xennie?
She may not need to?

I think Jo took my lightning when I gave it up.
Spine's... shit, she's corporeal now, and a dragon. Maybe she can do fire?
Hell, she's close enough to the RED slot anyway. I'll have to check in with her.

Can you please?

Xennie's steam as far as we all can tell, haha. Not sure if that'll change in the future or not.
Sure, hold up, let me ask Lynne.
We're getting something, but it's not exactly "traditional fire," to quote Lynne.
She'll work on it.

What is it?

It looks like fire but it's not the burning kind. Too orange, really.
Red fire, the stuff that we need, is locked into that slot.
Someone keeps trying to manifest there but there's not enough of an anchor for some goddamned reason.
If he'd stick, it'd probably help a hell of a lot.
But honestly I think either J or Infi are locking it. Probably J, with the splinters and all.

Is there a way to get him to stick long enough to make it work?

No clue. He might need a name first. Keeps insisting he'll "find the right one soon enough." He'd better hurry his ass up, then.

i tried to name him but he said no

I know, I was there when it happened.

Who?

the red guy, whoever is trying to move in there
i tried to name him but THEN
i thouht "what if that slot needs to be empty"
so maybe im keeping him aout accidentally i dunno

Fuck, if you are, that would explain so much of this shit...
Have you asked Infi?

Why would a slot need to be empty?

pepole
people, me and infi maybe
i was thinking, "what if i need the red empty to move into, so i can interact with people"
but laurie and infi said that's me breaking musyelf into smaller pieces again?

Was that when you were purging all the color out of your White?
Then yes, don't do that.

Can only the red interact with people? Also why can't you hold multiple slots?

oh oh oh i remember infi told me something today?? and someone else laurie were yuo there

Hold up, let me answer Mel, sheesh.
No, J was thinking that in being White, he had to "cut himself off from everything." Infinitii has since clarified that that is the "polar opposite" of what White actually is as a color here.
We can't hold multiple slots because of how the System works. The Spectrum, whatever.
Headvoices each move into a role. One role, to protect everyone else. Each role has a color.
At least, that's what I get out of it. The whole damn thing is weird and mysterious to me.

What did Infi tell you?

he said hehe said that "white and black hold part of ALL the other colors"
so i don't need to move from slot to slot, i can just be white WITH red, and that'll be okay.
mostly it's just making sure i don't go all crazy and say "i have to be colorless and empty!" which is bad but i've done it.

Then listen to him.

I think that's where our problem tonight started, actually...
J, am I right?

um
what

Listening to Infi.
Or should I say, "misinterpreting him."
As fucking usual.

I was NOT misinterpreting YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT SHIT WAS

Ah.

Whoa, goddamn.

laurie help

Kid, I am RIGHT here, what is going on?

fssfsfs. fff.
Slipping, a little. You hit something there.

Yeah, no shit.

Okay. What did you say?

I said I read that goddamned entry.
I know that whatever the hell happened to trigger that meltdown, it was because of Infi-- or rather, how you were perceiving him.

Which one?

Am I right, or am I right?
The newest one. He threw it at me an hour ago.

Where is it?

Jeepers it is REALLY hard to answer that without someone screaming.
It's on Adakias. I didn't even get to read it yet, I'm not sure what it says.

It's about everything I'm trying to get you to admit is what.
Whoever the hell wrote it knew what they were talking about, I'll say that much.

...Oh, oh okay, wow.
First sentence was enough to make my brain go "WHOA STOP READING"

Want me to paraphrase then?

No, I think I got it.
I still have memory access even if it's vague and informational.

I just read it.

Did you now.

Yeah. Doesn't sound like J.

I don't think I wrote it. I mean, I'd know if I did!

Yeah, no shit.
But you said you know what's in it, roughly at leats?
*least, sorry.
Sounding like Roxy Lalonde here.

Well you are my beloved moirail you know.
Anyway, yes, I know.
I was with Infi before things went over the deep end, actually.

It sounds like J is not the one who wants to take his own life, unless I'm reading it wrong.

I really don't. I love everyone up here too much to do so, if nothing else.

Then who wants to?

Whatever part of me holds the pain.
I try not to pay attention to that part.
Which, unfortunately, causes more trouble than it may be worth?

It most certainly does.

Told you kid, you can't sweep the scars under the rug and pretend that somehow has rewritten the past.
I know you tried.
Insert meaningful glare here.

Yeah, I know.
I was desperate.
Still am, I guess.

Then stop trying things that don't work anymore.

I guess I'm too desperate to accept that it ISN'T working?
That's a hardwired process of mine, actually.
"Keep trying, one day it'll work!"
Then I'm three years down the line with no progress, running a circle into the floor.

It's your indomitable hope, kid. That can be fatal, you know.

You can still break it, you know.

Too much of a good thing.

I know, to both of your points.
I guess I'm just unsure what path to take now.
Especially since I keep hiding pieces of the past from myself.

You can keep trying to fix it, but that doesn't mean you have to use the same solution.
Go back and read your archive, for starters.

I've been trying to, here and there.

That seems like it will help tons.
It's helped me understand why things happened the way they did.

It's difficult. I keep stopping because I'm honestly terrified of remembering some things.
It feels like the only reason I'm NOT dead is because I've forgotten most of the past decade.

You're not dead because people up here love the hell out of you, and we won't let you die because of something as fucking stupid as this mess.

Why?

Why I'm scared of remembering?
Or what?

Why do you say that the only reason you're not dead is because you've forgotten most of the past decade?
Are you really alive right now?

I am.
But I'm not... not as alive as I could be, I suppose.
There's a lot of stuff tying me down. Keeping me from flying, if you want to use that analogy.

Kid, why are you so damn afraid?
Does it honestly ALL tie back into the Julie days, if you wanna use that term for it?

Not entirely.
Most of it is because of how I reacted to it, as I said.

I seriously think it's that house. Just listening to a voice message from the mother actually sent me into an episode. I can't imagine having to live with that.

The convincing myself that I really WAS broken.
Oh geez, I forgot she did that, I am so sorry.

And then add to it the Julie stuff and it's actually a miracle the kid's still alive.
It's not your fault at all.

I keep trying to tell him that.
He doesn't believe it yet.

Keep telling him.
It may seem futile, but it helps.

I won't stop 'til the day I die, that's a promise.

Even if it doesn't seem like it.
And I will keep telling him too.

And then maybe I'll come back as a ghost and haunt his ass if he hasn't straightened out yet, haha.
Thanks.

Pfff, see this is why I love you.
Both of you.

Well hey, you can't really die. The few times we all thought you did, you came over to my head. Don't know how that works, but use it if you need to.

You really don't give up on me, do you.

I have my ways around, and out.

Not for good, anyways.

Kid's looking out for me too, what can I say.
Hint hint.

Who?

J.
I do believe we talked about this too, boy.

About?

Looking out for each other.

Specifically a certain fucking incident the LAST time you tried to pull this suicide shit on me.
We've talked about this.

...
would you really do that again.?
you know
the
dying thing

For fuck's sake kid, if it would save your life, then yes.
Otherwise, hell no, I told you I'm sticking around.
Don't you die on me either, I swear to God, I'm not the only one that loves you and that is NOT selfish, don't you fucking dare call me selfish for saying that again.

Besides, Laurie can't stay dead.

I love the hell out of you kid, it breaks my goddamned heart to see you like this, because I KNOW that three years ago I could have stopped this on a dime.
Yes I fucking can.

Not if J needs you.
And how could you have stopped this, Laurie?

...I hope that's the case.
Before, we had a face to the problem.
We had Julie, and J KNEW she was wrong in what she did.

Yeah, but did you know about the problem like you know about it now?

Then fuck-all happened, and now JULIE'S the one with a sane head on her shoulders, and J is fucking CONVINCED he's the real one at fault here.
No.
Ironically that's what made this worse. Now we KNOW, and his mind can't comprehend it or something. It keeps getting twisted.
But personally I think this muck needs to be trudged through before we can move on.

How did that happen?

Which part?

The switch.

With J feeling like he's solely responsible?

The switch from Julie being sane to J convinced he's at fault.

Because Julie only joined us because she KNEW she had been wrong to do what she did.
Somewhere down the line, though, J became convinced that the only reason why he had hurt at ALL was because he MADE it hurt. That he was responsible for "turning everyone else into the bad guys."

Ah.
Also, it should be right about 222 over there. Not sure what is means, but it seemed like it was important to point out.

isnt' that how hurt works though?
oh that is important yes thank you

No, kid, it isn't.
If I cut you, you bleed.
Whether or not you decide to acknowledge the injury isn't going to make it disappear, or cease to have happened in the first place.

What is the significance of 22?
Right.

222 is a nice number
i like triple digits they make me feel less awful.
like "hey kid you're doing all right! here's a little sign to reassure you"

Heh.

Then remember it.

i will
a little confusing but i'll listen
laurie

What?

did i do something wrong
i feel like i did something really bad
and i feel really bad and sad about it
i dont want to hurt people

Kid, if you've done anything to "hurt people" today, it's not your fault. Not like that.
I'm only in pain right now because I care. It's called empathy.
You're not "hurting me," for the record.

okay.
but infi
i
did i hurt him?

No, fuck, he's right here and he says no.
"You didn't hurt me at all," there, that's a direct quote.
Capisce?

hehe yeah.
no really i do.

Good.
But you're hurting though.
Badly.
Do you remember why?

its guilt.

Guilt for what?
You didn't hurt him, so check that off your list.

oh
no its
im sorry i cant say it.

S'okay, I know.
Do you want me to keep talking?

maybe.
not sure what i need to say right now, laurie.

I'm just trying to get you to forgive yourself, even if it's just for tonight.
I want you to be able to sleep without fucking crying, or being terrified of what might be waiting for you there.
Kid, that wasn't your fucking fault.
It never was and never will be.

yes
it
is
it is my fault an d you know it

What's your fault, then?
Are we even on the same fucking page?
Because it sounds to me like you're blaming yourself for something you...
Oh.
Shit, I'm sorry.

no its okay
i know what youre thinking
and i wasnt thinking of that
but maybe i shold have been.
i think thats when everything started to go downhill?

Infi agrees that I should "bring up June."
As in, the drowning session.
I daresay we've had this conversation already, in different words?

different words different contexts laurie please

No it's not.
Holy shit, sorry, Infi's trying to talk.

about

About earlier this evening, obviously.
He says he's sorry, as he "didn't think that would happen."
To which I say be fucking careful, Infi, you know the kid's fragile.
Aaand he's still sorry, maybe even moreso.
Fuck, this guy really was yanked outta your ribs, wasn't he.

shush laurie let him talk

Really now?
And who will he be talking to, dare I ask.

me
j
in a minute
let me get through.
sorry this is difficult

No problem, kid.
Take your time.
I kind of want to talk to you right now, for sure.

Okay.
I think I'm here.

Good.
Now I do believe we were discussing misplaced guilt.

Yeah.
It's a tough subject.
And an old one.

Let me cut right to the heart of this, okay?
I understand where the guilt is coming from.
It's residual.
That shit's gonna be hard to scrape off, I won't deny that.
But kid, you KNOW it's not true.
Don't you?

What isn't true?
There's a lot of gunk stuck to my soul concerning that subject, I've noticed.

I think we all have.
All right, let me ask you this first.
Do you feel like you're abusing people?
Because you're NOT.
Is that thought still lingering though?

No.
Not at all.
And that is why this is so difficult for me.
There is NO VICTIM ANYMORE.
My brain refuses to acknowledge that word either, with how it refuses to acknowledge pain as "unwanted."
Which is another big problem, seeing as my mind chose THAT word to describe it...

No shit.
But it makes sense to me, kid.
From what I've heard lately, you DO want pain.
You want pain really fucking badly, because to you, pain is something you understand.
Right? You sure as hell don't understand this.
I know that much.

It scares me, really.
And I'll be honest with you too.
I'm looking for pain because it's concrete. It's definable. People outside of myself will acknowledge it, if it's bad enough.
Since I can't get the guts to admit pain on my own, I'm hoping that if I'm damaged enough, someone else will force me to admit it then.

I daresay you've already been damaged enough, kid.

Not according to my brain I'm not.
And not according to some people downstairs I'm not, either.

Fuck what they think, seriously.
You do NOT need someone else to "validate your pain" in order for your suffering to be real. That's bullshit.

Is it really?
I can't tell if it is or isn't anymore.

So I've heard.
But you're being kinda hypocritical here kid.
You're looking for outside validation because obviously, some part of you WANTS to be able to accept this shit. Because guess what, once you do that-- bam, you can start to heal from it.
Can't do any of that shit if you won't even look at the wound in the first place.

As I said, yeah.

Did you? Sorry, I'm tired as fuck here.

Really?

Fuck yes really, I've been at this for at least three goddamn hours.
Thanks to you freaking the hell out of me last night with your goddamned Google search history.
Seriously, J, what the fuck.
What the everloving fuck.
Do you really... do you really want to die, that badly, when that happens?

Yeah.
I've attempted before, you know that.

'Course I do.
...
meaningful pause.
Infi's not taking this well

Doesn't he know?
He's got Black-slot access to the memory banks, doesn't he?

He says, and I quote,
"That doesn't make it any easier to deal with when it happens again."
He's never fucking SEEN you like this, kid.
Infi's new. He didn't live through 2010. He wasn't here for 2012.
And frankly, this is the worst I'VE seen you, in some ways.
Again, he's not taking this well.
I think you know why?

I do.
But part of me is very pissed off at that fact.

Which fact?

It won't say it. Thinks it's "dirty."
But I know.
It's because he loves me, isn't it.

Bingo.
As do I.
What does your fucking splinter have to say about that, huh?

I'm not going to repeat what it's saying.
You know a lot of these things feel like parasites. With a clear head it's easier to tell.

Could be.
Wouldn't be the first time something along those lines has happened.
Don't you fucking dare blame yourself for it either.

I won't, I know it's not me.

So.
You wrote the toughest sentence, now where do we go from here?
How about to that fucking post you typed a few hours ago?
Which basically admits that-- to say this for the billionth fucking time-- all you're doing here is projecting.
And yes, EVEN in that context.
PROJECTING.
Infi would never hurt you, neither would anyone else up here who loves you like that. NO ONE.
Do you know why?
It's because that shit is INCOMPATIBLE WITH IT.

It can't be, it worked together before.

Did it really?
Did it fucking really??
Think about it, J.

Why do we keep having this conversation?

Because it hasn't registered yet, obviously.

No, no no no, it HAS.
That's the problem!

How the fuck is that a problem??

Because of my stupid black and white thinking. (How ironic is that, too.)
I can't... oh god I did have this exact conversation with you before.

The drowning session, if I would hazard a guess?

Obviously.
But, no, not just that, I've been at this SAME PLACE before.
Like I actually said that same damn sentence.
I remember.

Which sentence?

About the sides.
The stupid, black and white, "all or nothing" fucking sides.
I don't remember the exact words.

Can you find them?
I'm kind of curious as to when this happened and how.

Not easily, no. I'm sorry.
But I remember the gist of it.
It was how I... last year I think, 2012, or 2011, when we started to heal this stuff.
I was talking about Chaos.
And this.
This stupid, stupid problem.
Oh no wait, I found it.

Heheh, I was waiting for that.
Link me up, boy.

December 2011. Relevant. I don't remember that month at all.
"I cannot come to a conclusion here, not when one side is sheer agony and the other side is him."
Same damn problem right now, as hard as it is to admit.

Kid, I said give me the link, please.

https://prismaticbleed.dreamwidth.org/311225.html
I didn't read it yet.

I didn't ask you to.
We'll read it together tomorrow if you want.
Personally I'm starting to think this issue is too big to tackle tonight.
At least, not entirely.
I mean, fuck, it's already 3AM. I don't need you pulling a Johnny-nighter on top of all this.

Oh wow, I remember those.
Jeepers. Those were simpler times.
Wow.

They really were.
Kind of really fucking stupid how I almost feel nostalgic for 'em.
So much we didn't know.
And I was a bitch.

You were not.

I was too, I treated you like shit half the time.
I don't give a damn if it worked, I can't help but think I contributed to this fucking pain addiction of yours.
And I'm sorry for that, if that's the case, because you should find comfort in something OTHER than pain for God's sake.

I know.
I
I'm trying.

Kid, believe me, I know you are.
But it's late, and someone REALLY fucking wants to talk to you.
Would you mind?

Wait, wait.
wait.

What?

I'm in danger mode again. The other one.
"Problems, what problems?"
My brain is honestly trying to ignore the fact that I JUST had a suicidal meltdown over this.
And it's tempting. It's damn tempting.
I want to forget about all of this.

Don't.
I'm sorry, kid, but I can't let you purge this one from your skull.
If you do that, we'll just have to deal with it again later.
And fate might not be so merciful next time.
So to speak.
I wasn't kidding, this guy really wants to talk to you. Do I have a green light or what?

I know.
Maybe that's the stupid lesson I never learned.
Maybe that's the reason time keeps looping.
It's been three years this week, you know.

Three years yesterday, actually.
We actually did pull an all-nighter then.
Fucking hell, I guess time really IS looping??

See, I knew I was on to something when I started writing out the event charts.
Remember, I actually had January mapped out?
I was trying to see if similar things happened on similar dates. It REALLY lined up for a while, then I slacked off...
Creepy, really.
But intriguing.

No kidding.
But kid, we can do that tomorrow.

I know. I know.
Let him in.
Don't give me a chance to say no.

Done and done.

Laurie Uberich added Infinitii Eternos.

There he is.

Wait, you mean he even--???

do you have any idea how difficult this is for me
im working through the ap jewel.

Geez man, I'm sorry, you don't have to if you don't want to. I know it's difficult for you to channel lately.

it wasnt back in april
remember?
do you know why that was

...Because the events of June hadn't happened yet?

partly
partly.
but you weren't so lost then.
remember?

Holy fuck it feels like there's a goddamned angel in the room, Infi what ARE you??

He's made of black energy, it's heavy stuff. Right?

it shouldnt be
thats the problem.
you think i am.
i'm not.
do you understand?

I'm having a hard time.
I feel like someone's about to cry. Is that you?
I do understand, somewhere too far down for it to mean much maybe.

no
j that is the point
it is deep down because that is what this is too
and yes i am about to cry.

I can tell. Emphasis on that.
Laurie, are you getting any of this?

I am having a very fucking difficult time holding mhyself together thank you very much, just talk to him and let me listen.
God damn Infi you are worse than Chaos, I did not think that was possible.

it is
by my nature
i don't keep secrets
if you know how to look.
jewel
are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

do you understand what i told you?
black energy is not heavy
and it is certainly not evil
you have been misinformed.
deliberately.

Why?

Why the fuck else??? Have you SEEN the conversation we've been having for the past 4 fucking hours plus???
God damn it Jewel they are TEARING YOU APART and they KNOW THEY ARE DOING IT.
I can't fucking let them do that anymore.
I can't.

laurie calm down half of that is not you

Fucking hell, Infi, I need to wear armor around you at this point.
Like literal fucking armor.
...But my point stands, actually.
You're important, J. To us, at least. You've said before that that's enough.
You're an anchorpoint for ALL of us upstairs, and sometimes I think it's the other way around too.
Point is you're important.
And there are people in this system, who don't fucking belong here, who don't like that. You know who they are.
They don't like you, and they don't like Infi, and they sure as hell don't like the two of you working together.
Kid, we are so goddamned close to fixing this. When I look back I can see it.
But "it's darkest before the dawn" and all that, you know.
...
Did you ever have a thing about sunrises?
I know you have sunsets and rainbows and all that, but... not sure about sunrises.
If not, you should.
Because goddamn, we are headed straight towards one.
I can feel it.
Trust me, kid.
Please.
Don't fucking die.

...
I honestly don't know how to respond to that in words. I'm sorry, love.

Then don't.
You're clearer without words anyway.

Infi?

?

I don't hate you.
I doubt I ever did, and I'm sorry if I made you think otherwise.

you didn't.
i can tell.

Good to know.
I'm not sure how to end this conversation.
Infi, what do you need from me?
I think that's the only thing I can ask right now.

nothing.
i do not need anything from you
it doesnt work like that

Tell him not to die.

laurie says not to die, j.

Don't you sass me, you little runt, I'm an emotional mess over here.
thanks though.

you are welcome, laurie.
but j, don't die on me either.

So you don't need anything from me.
Nothing at all.
Even after how I treated you today.

why would i
and you did nothing to harm me jewel.

Really.
You seemed pretty hurt out there before.

jewel
i dont think you understand how i experience emotions.
yes i was in pain.
but it was not offense or injury.

Then what was it?

I think you fuckign know.
shit.
October fucking 2010, J.

what about it

Don't play ignorant with me, damn it.
Not now.
your goddamned suicide attempt didn't offend me and you sure as hell didn't come after me with a knife.
Do you remember what I fucking said?

when

Before I got this fucking scar.
Listen, I don't have the fucking words to say this eloquently either.
Life got bad. Difficult as hell.
I wanted to die, too. But why?
Because I couldn't do SHIT to keep you from feeling like that either.
You lost so goddamned much and you didn't fucking know and... I couldn't do it, kid. I couldn't stand to see you hurt anymore.
Point is the pain wasn't your fucking fault.
Shit I hate words at 3AM.

you love him too.
that is what you are trying to say

Yeah.
Yeah it is.
100 fucking percent.
Damn it, J, I'm sorry I pulled that suicide shit on you back then but please, for the love of God, don't... please don't do it again.
I don't want to be selfish, but damn it I love you, and I don't know how the hell to deliver you from this pain anymore.
I'm doing what I can.
Just stay with me.
Please.

Laurie.
Laurie, sweetheart, let me quote something at you.
I wrote this yesterday.
I'm so damn tired. Most days I want to just... leave everything.
But I can't find it in my heart to leave them. I never asked for them, but so help me God, I cannot fathom ever actually rejecting them.
There you go, guys. Put that confession aside for a rainy day, when I'm about to jump off a roof or experiment with sharp objects. I can't abandon you. I won't. Even when I'm all but dead, you guys give me a weird sort of hope. I mean, hell, there must be a reason you're still around me, right? Even after all this shit.
It's not as if you've ever been tied down, after all.

thank you.

For?

for reassuring me.

Damn it, I was trying really fucking hard not to cry.

don't. don't do that.
don't shut it off if it's honest.

Apostrophes, holy fuck, you must be serious.
Heh, fine.
But no one look at me for a minute, I've gotta deal with this shit.

I won't.
Infi, were you really worried about me not following through on that promise.

yes.
you're still fragile yet.
like a bubble
but with the world inside you.

Sounds more like you, man.

then you are a prism.
does that work?

sure as hell it works.
goddamn rainbows everywhere.

How many injokes was that, loev?
Aha, typo, forgive me.

heh, i needed the laugh.
And it was quite a few, kid. Quite a few.
Infi, are we done here? It is really goddamned early.

...
essentially.

It's not like you to hesitate, what's the deal?

i don't want to cause him to hurt.

Then don't.

it's not his fault it's my pain addiction
there i said it
look at me,, it's all my fault after all
you dont think i ever think these things through cause i dont

J, get back here, please.

jewel if you are that desperate to heal then i will help you however i can
but it is very, very difficult if you keep doing this.

why
doing what

Forcing pain into the situation when it is not inherently there.

...God damn.

Jewel, I am aware you have had this conversation before.
I have spoken to Chaos. I have been WITH Chaos, WITH you.
You know just as well as I do that there is nothing heavy or evil here.
You are putting it there.
And that is the problem.
I will not deny that there have been corruptions of similar things in the past.
I respect that. I understand that.
But it is not so black and white, Jewel, even literally so.
Laurie was right in mentioning rainbows.

they're a symbol of hope
chaos is responsible for that.
there was a night with raindrops
i
my heart really hurts right now

it should. This is important.
Sorry. Still kind of teary over here.

and i'm the one with walls up, go figure

Do you want me to break them.

i
yes?
no yes and no
god infi what is this inner conflict
i'm afraid of emotional intimacy
that's the exact sentence that popped into my head
sound legit?

Personally I'd find it hard to believe with the stuff you do with Chaos, but lately, it sounds legit as hell.

You're scared.

i just said that

There was a deeper meaning to that word.
What exactly are you frightened of?

you
people
anyone who gets close
sometimes even laurie
its
not something i like to admit
poor jeremiah, is that where all this goes?

Probably.
So you live in constant fear of being hurt again.
Shit, kid, we need to somehow get you over that. It's eating you alive.

i know and being so afraid is giving it total power over me which sucks
i don't WANT to be afraid of it
but damn it laurie it is terifyign to me
terrifying
that
i dont even remember why
i really dont

I do.

no i mean
im so damn numb to it now
i really dont want anything to do with it anymore
ever
but it feels like running like this is jjust making it so much worse?
so i keep trying in the wrong ways and now i'm TRYING to get hurt just to "get an idea of what i'm actually supposed to be doing"
but every time
ever goddamn time someone DOESN'T hurt me, i get so much more confused
infi i know you love me but i'm scared
i'm so scared because people have used me in the past and it's all i can remember
geez even downstairs all someone has to do is tap my shoulder and i will scream
because i am that damn terrified of a single touch turning into hell on earth
its not even conscious.
infi this is your damn level
god i love you
i am so sorry about this.

Kid, it's okay.
We know this is difficult as hell.
But thank you for finally 'fessing up to what I've been trying to pull out of you since last night.
This, my friends, is progress.
Step one: acknowledge that there is something that needs to heal.
Took long enough.

It took as long as it needed to.
That is how these situations work.

Looks like it.

hey guys
if thats good progress for now can i go get some sleep?
or at least try to

Yeah, please do.
Just try not to reset your goddamned memory first thing in the morning, okay?
That's kind of the last thing we need right now.

this is so weird though
this all happened back in 2011

Yeah, it did.
But with a different alien.

speaking of
I have been treating him terribly lately.
He does NOT deserve the nonsense I put him through night after night.
When did this even start?

A while back, kid, but he doesn't hold it against you. Believe me, we've talked.

I've spoken to him as well.

And?

And he does not hold it against you.
He only hopes you can recover well.
But he loves you as much as I do.

Aaand there's the craziest sentence of the night for me, holy shit, I need sleep.

Laurie, I fail to see how that is so hard to believe.

It's not that, dude, it's the fucking MAGNITUDE of it. God DAMN.

Don't you?

...Different way.
Diamonds over here.

Still just as significant.
Guys, listen, I'm sorry but the family's up and threatening me again.
They don't exactly believe me when I say I'm trying to talk myself out of a suicide attempt, and they sure as hell don't believe in you two...

I don't give a shit, I've spoken to her before.
Get to sleep, kid. We're here for you whenever you need us, all right?
Meaning always.

Hehe, okay.
Also, I... well. Hm.

What?

Just considering delivery is all.
I really need to log off, but before I do, let me say this:
I don't care what my brain says during the waking hours.
Right now I am two skips and a jump away from poet mode, and I can tell you with utmost certainty that there is no doubt in my heart concerning the reality of both your lives.
I would be dead right now if it weren't for you, Laurie.
I'm not the only person who can attest to that.
I love you, Laurie.
Thank you, with all my heart, for never giving up on me.
Ever.

kid, it is the absolute least i can do, and that is saying something.

Well your punctuation is gone, that's... unusual.

infi is... there's too fucking much emotional overflow in here, promise me you'll log out before inviting chaos in because i swear to god i will die.

Will do, love.

love you too, kid. 100 fucking percent.

And Infi?

you don't need to say anything, j.

hholy shuppets not with that sort of response i dont
good lord

what did i just tell you.
this is fucking hilarious.

you are using punctuation
get rid of it

Never.
nah just kidding man im 100% gone

infi, listen, i still need to say something

Yes?

fff this is crazy
but this, this is what you're talking about and what i'm trying to say hey apostrophes.
i'm stupidly happy right now this is nice
but
i believe you.
everything you said earlier
let's leave it at that because it's late
and people are scary.

point taken holy shit

so yeah.
infinitii i love you too
thanks for that
i'll talk to everyone more later
hey mel whenever you're reading this thanks to you too youre awesome
much love because hey i'm actually here right now
aaand now i'm gone.

sign out formally you absolute moron

Never.

Haha, fuck you too man!

I'll do the honors. It's 4:34AM.

God damn that is late as hell.

Well, Infi, the honor is yours.
Log us off, my good man!

As you say, "done and done."

 

 

 
Okay, last night feels like it was traumatic but Laurie keeps telling me not to think about it, just stay present. She looks terribly tired though.
...I keep having to stop and just smile whenever Death shows up in the Sandman comics I'm reading (I just started "Season of Mists") because there are many panels where she reminds me so much of Laurie. It's something about her face shape (especially her Greek nose, good example here), and her shock of hair, when it's shorter of course. And of course the kohl helps immensely. Point is I see a lot of her in Death, and a lot of Death in her. Fitting, really.
I just... I feel awful. Remember back in 2009, where she was always so angry, and would only get near me to swing an axe into my face? She wouldn't talk to anyone else, she kept leagues of secrets, and now... now, she's so compassionate, she gets along with everyone, she's honest even when it hurts her. She even cries, even in the same room as other people. She's an entirely different person than she was when this all started, as am I... but she feels more like herself than ever, now. (It's because all those extra inner walls are down, she says, for good.)
I have a fleeting "observer" memory from last night, just a snapshot, of her talking to Chaos about something, both of them obviously distraught... but Chaos actually put a hand on her arm to comfort her, and she wasn't hiding her concern. Do you realize how much we've grown in the past two years alone? That's proof. It's incredible.
Genesis was right, though. Yes, all the suffering and agony has been cruelly worth it, in bringing us all closer together, in breaking our hearts of stone. But as we are now, these brighter and softer things, we all wish the shadows would just stop, so we can live together in joy... but they won't. Maybe that's the point. They get stronger as we get stronger, remember. Maybe all of this is a testament to the love we hold. Maybe that's why Infi is here now. I hope so.
It's definitely a better way of looking at it.

"The stronger a man is, the more gentle he can afford to be."
Elbert Hubbard. Just found that on TVTropes and I like it in light of the previous paragraph, so there it is.

I don't think Razor has eyes anymore. I saw her either last night or this morning, when Laurie and I had ventured down to the Tar room (which has been disturbingly empty lately; it's just a vacant white room. I have theories on this but we'll get to that) to try and get a better idea as to what was going on with all her triggers. As soon as we entered, there she was, actively mutilating a corpse across the room from us. She was holding two x-acto knives with huge blades that were covered in fresh blood, and Jess was standing above the wrecked corpse, looking down at it with a blank expression (she'd probably screamed until this happened, then stopped. that seems to be a recurring thing; at least razor is taking it inside now if we manage to suppress her). Razor was laughing in that horrible maniacal way of hers, like a bloody rake being dragged in spasms across a pane of glass. She heard us enter and turned around, smiling insanely, then got up and just walked over to us, knives dripping. Immediately I realized that she now had these huge X-shaped gashes instead of eyes, not even sockets beneath them. It was seriously disturbing. I don't know how or why it happened, either.
I also don't know how that encounter ended. All I know is that Laurie got me out of there pretty quickly.

My dream last night was one of those awful interim-floating ones, the plotless wandering ones that feel painted in faded brown paint and chimney smoke. I don't like them.
I may have said this before, but boss informed me that those dreams only occur when I'm too "tangled up in my own shadows." Then he can't do anything about the nightmares, as they are springing from an inside source, and nothing outside that he can actively prevent or eliminate.
I'm just so, so thankful I haven't had any hack nightmares in a while. I haven't been so lucky downstairs, even though I don't remember them... thankfully.

On a brighter note, thank you last.fm, I just discovered this guy on the radio and he is AMAZING. WHOA. How does he not have more listeners??
I am absolutely addicted to "Kick Drum High Hat" and "Turn Out" right now. This guy's style is brilliant.


Putting all that aside for now, though, the main reason why I'm updating today is to smother you all in Photobucket links.
To begin, here's the sketch of Chaos I drew on the 2nd... completely unedited, as I need to be honest too. For now, I think that picture speaks for itself.
Yesterday I drew Infinitii in a similar manner, here, as he felt really emotional last night and I was getting the overflow as usual (apparently he and I have permanent links of that sort). I NEED to dedicate an entire entry to both him and Chaos sometime soon, in light of personal energy... I know what I'm talking about, so just remind me if I forget. I have about 40 solid minutes of audio notes from early this year for the same purpose, and I never got the opportunity to type it up thanks the Celebi fallout. I need to do so soon, but now isn't the time.

Now, let's get right into the big stuff.
Remember how, here, I mentioned that Kyanos (who is, sadly, now unmanifested; perhaps it was not meant to be) wrote his name on a piece of scrap paper, shortly after being "created?" Well, here it is. Weird, huh? Even weirder would be that "half a page" he ghostwrote. That occurred about two hours after the incident that triggered "Mulberry Delta's" appearance, something he was apparently aware of. This is what he wrote:
"today we got in a car accident kinda/ we forgot how to turn the whele and we scratched sombody (jewel is helping me spell :) ) but were ok the policeman was nice and we didnt go to jale, but some lady calle"
It ends there. Here's the actual page.
You'll notice my commentary in the bottom left: my grandmother walked in the room and he immediately went into "standby," that telltale reaction of most disembodied voices whenever they are suddenly faced with social interaction. When she left the room he was gone, and I was left staring at this paper with total shock. I had been vaguely aware that someone was writing as it occurred-- but upstairs, as a detached consciousness. That's what Kyanos meant by "Jewel's helping me;" I was acting as a sort of knowledge bank for him there, gently pushing the right info into his mind when I was aware of it being needed.
There are two points about this letter that catch my attention: one, he says "we forgot how to turn the whele [sic]". We weren't the ones driving the car. He was taking his awareness of the event from a false memory. Second, I know for a fact (as his consciousness was jolted as he as writing it) that the "lady" he was about to introduce was Mulberry. He probably learned of her from the same memories he had access to, but I'm honestly interested into whatever he was going to say. Oh well; it's not like we can ask him now.
Also, yes, when I came back the pencil was in my left hand. That's new!

Now, let's segue into the less-than-friendly ghostwriting. I briefly mentioned the "sugar-induced" voice's brutal message in that same entry, which I also have scanned in.
The first page read:
"F**K YOU!! youre not my boss!!!! F**K YOU FAGGOT!!"
The second page read:
"I will make you BLEED B***H! you think you can CONTROL ME BUT youre WRONG"
You can see the actual papers here and here. That message was directed specifically towards me, as I had practically forced her to write on that occasion (unwisely), wanting proof that yes, someone else-- someone violent and dangerous-- was driving. It worked, as you can see. Looking back on how things work underground, I believe that Jess is the one that started writing the entry (she's the one that likes to shout insults like that), but the second page-- the threat of bodily harm-- was definitely Razor. That's textbook behavior for those two, and it's quite a feat to have it caught on paper.
However, Razor got her revenge on me for that stunt. She got it bad.
On April 30th, immediately after hacking several more gashes into us, she actually walked over to our new journal of her own volition, and with pure spite and malice, actually wrote her next message in BLOOD. All it said was "DIE," three times. If you aren't disturbed by the sight of blood-painted messages, you can see it here.
Yeah. So that wasn't fun.

Now, on the 2nd, I also mentioned that Laurie had suddenly written something in a tablet of mine, which I will get to in a moment. First, let me remind you of this entry. When we got home, Julie actually took a pink marker and decided to write her name on the tag of that brassiere, as even further proof of her existence. However she had no idea how to write. So she grabbed a piece of paper from my desk and asked me to help her figure out how to translate her energy into handwriting. Thanks to using marker the pages are a bit blurry, but this is the first one (practicing her signature), this is the second (more), and this is the third (trying the entire alphabet). I remember looking at them later and smiling; it was kind of adorable to see. Her energy translates directly into huge loops and swirls, but it's hard to write that way, and she has expressed frustration over it. We'll get to that too.
Let's talk about Laurie now. As you may be aware, she's the first headvoice to ever "ghostwrite" anything: she had a whole conversation with Melody back in SLC, which I have transcribed here. I've also scanned in the first page of it . Now remember, not only was this Laurie's first time channeling so directly, but she was ALSO fighting several mental blocks, and
On that note, let's go back to the 2nd. I have NO idea how or when it happened, but apparently, it started with three pages scrawled by an unknown voice (possibly Jess though) in the front of the same notebook I made Razor write in: here, here, and here. Then, suddenly, I was the one driving, but instead of seeing those pages, I was looking down at an angry sentence by Laurie, on the top of a blank page.
We spoke for FIVE PAGES-- one,two,three, four, and five. I won't transcribe them here as it'd take up too much room, but they're very important. I'd advice you read them before reading the rest of this paragraph.
All right, first off, you'll notice the sudden switch in my writing on page 2. When my grandmother walked in, IMMEDIATELY that "scared little boy" voice was triggered, and you can see his handwriting in line nine. It's obviously not Kyanos-- if Kyanos is indeed the kid who wrote the post-accident paper-- but it DOES strike me as very similar to the original "Kyanos" name paper. Maybe he fractured? It's a thought.
Secondly, you'll notice Julie showed up. Her handwriting really hasn't changed at its core, but at the beginning of page 3 she does state that she "can't get the letters to do what she wanted." I can attest to this-- one of the only things I was aware of during her time there was a sense of acute frustration at not being able to write "how she was feeling." Laurie said she was "slipping," which may likely have been true, as headspace energy in general was pretty much a mess at the time.
The last three pages basically discuss what I've already stated in this and previous entries, so I won't reiterate it here. However, this is when I came to realize those points, so that's significant.


Last but definitely not least, I drew up clearer versions of the three headspace "maps" I'm aware of-- and I also realized that they're more of headspace flowcharts than anything. That is because of a very important distinction: these maps are NOT graphs of how headspace is structured in space, at all. On the contrary, these maps simply seem to illustrate the way energy flows between slots, on a metaphysical level. HOWEVER, there IS a room somewhere in headspace that contains nothing but a floor setup in the shape of the current flowchart, with each circle or square (you'll see) translating into a small platform, each measuring about two feet around and three inches high? They are illuminated at all times, with held slots shining brightly and emitting beams straight up to the ceiling, while empty slots barely even glow and do not emit beams at all. Anyway that room was first accessible after November 9th of last year, when I suddenly comprehended the reality of the flowchart during a hospital visit. I talk about that monumental day here, as not only did we first access that room then, BUT it was also the morning that Nathaniel stabilized as Green, AND Julie was freed from her suicide gambit from the 1st (something I never got to type up and really should try to, in retrospect; there's a small mention of it here in any case). Anyway, that's what it's a map of, but the actual pictures should be seen as flowcharts instead. So, on that note, let me link you to them!
The first chart was drawn on November 9th, reflecting the flow as of that very morning. I've spoken about this setup in the past, but let me reiterate it here, as I don't know how much truth is in old entries (most of it was immediate conjecture from what I recall).
First, you'll see that this old chart is set up in an arch. As the top-left panel shows, energy flow could start at either Red or Violet, and would travel the arch to the other. It was a one-way flow. What's important is that solid line below Red and Violet-- that was originally a DIVISION between the main headvoices and Spine/ Razor/ Xenophon/ Julie, effectively cutting them off from the rest of the System in a key way: in the old flowchart, their slots didn't technically exist. We were limited to 7 colors, and theirs were the mutated slots. We'll get back to that in a minute.
As for the other lines... those illustrate energetic relationships more than anything. First, you'll see a tangle of them branching out of Black and White. This is what they mean, one by one:
"Shoved into; broke balance" lines connecting Black-Pink and White-Red: Julie was forcibly overloaded with Black energy in my youth, corrupting the entire slot. On the same note, I would force my own slot full of White energy before I was ready for it, which we think is what caused me to splinter so madly over the years. In any case this mutual overload threw off the System energy balance.
"Color balance" lines between Black-Violet and Pink-White: I'm not sure, but I think this was meant to illustrate how the White slot was trying to balance the immense amount of Black in Julie's slot by linking itself to it; unfortunately it didn't stick. Likewise, I think the Black branching out to Violet was the System's attempt to balance out the RED slot's overload of White (Red and Violet are linked slots). The reason why the Black didn't choose to branch out to the Red itself is because of the Black influence it had from Julie anyway. This could also explain why I thought Laurie was in league with Julie on some level, when I met her.
"Imbalance/bleedover?" lines between Red->Blood and Pink->Lavender: ties into both the previous overload and balance points. The Pink slot bled off most of the extra White (from the previous point) into Xenophon's slot, while the Red slot bled off most of the extra Black into Razor's slot. Since Black was still entirely corrupted at this time, and White was empty but pure, you can see the effect this bleedover had on those two individuals.
Wavy lines between Lavender->Red and Blood->Pink: shows how the Lavender slot was eventually "tied" to Red (when Xenophon was born I still held that slot), and Julie was equally tied to the Blood slot (Razor was manifested as a direct result of old Julie hacks).
"Creation link" lines between Black-Blood and White-Lavender: directly related to the previous point.
Black & white triangles in color slots: illustrated the tentative "Black/White" affinity in the system. Jewel, Josephina, Leon, and Julie were all linked to Black, and had dark sides that needed to be kept in check, as well as a susceptibility to corruption. Spine, Lynne, Waldorf, and Laurie were all linked to White, with all of them acting more as "protectors," with no dark sides to speak of (ironically, in Laurie's case, as she was nevertheless a "dark knight"). Nathaniel did NOT hold an affinity as he was supposed to be the balancing force to the other System members, a very heavy role.
Dotted line between Red/Violet and the rest of the system: showed that both Jewel and Laurie held unique and inherently linked functions in the system, operating differently from other headvoices.
Dotted line between the left and right sides of the system: divided the System into a greater Black/White affiliation, as well as a warm/cold color division. The exact extent of the B/W influence is unknown, but it may have had a stronger affect on the midslots on each side than the main slots, as the B/W flow technically hit a very strong buffer after the mutant slots. In any case, Nathaniel's true position directly on this line may help explain why he died so many times-- the old position of that slot was VERY unstable as a result.
That's it for this chart... however there are a few underlying points in this that I elaborated on in another chart, which I will show you next.

The second chart was drawn that same day (110912), except it is a theoretical chart, illustrating the possible flow of headspace upon ITS stabilization, when Laurie first manifested in 2006. The most notable differences between this chart and later ones are obvious: the entire upper half is basically empty, AND there's an "extra slot" in the very center, which was technically the only thing that existed in the System prior to at least 2003.
I'm going to be brief and clear in explaining this one.
Extra wavy slot for Jewel in the center: pre-System. Jewel was the "focal point" that it all sprang from.
"Anchor" and "Favor" lines from the Origin slot to Red and Violet: as a child I quickly anchored into Red as a personal slot, BUT prior to that I had STRONGLY favored Violet. Therefore all the anchoring potential went to that side of the System first: not only did Julie show up over there, but Laurie and Waldorf were the first "headvoices."
"Potential" labels on Red and Violet: the result of the previous point. These two slots were the first to fully anchor into the Central System.
"Persona" line from the Origin slot to Brown: any constructed downstairs personae/masks were sent to this slot, instead of affecting the actual Red slot, hence "Jess" being locked there.
The "Julie Potential" lines: shows where her energy came from. Since Julie was technically a created introject, she held a "mutated slot." Jewel, the Red holder and sole System member at the time, had to break her potential off of the Red energy as a result. This energy moved down to Brown as a necessary step before moving into Black, where it was consciously overloaded with corrupted energy. Moving it in the flow direction passed it through White, changing the energy color to Pink, which anchored in the very next slot. This movement of potential may also explain why both Razor and Jess were tied to Julie in the past.
"Bleedover?" arrow from Pink->Violet: possible corruption influence from Julie on the Violet slot prior to Laurie's manifestation, as she would have had to send her energy through it to create the splinter locks anyway.
Locks in the Green, Blue, and Indigo slots: shows "splinter lockages" in the past, thanks to the Tar breaking off parts of Julie in order to prevent other headvoices from manifesting on her side, as potential was favored there. You'll recognize those names if you've known us long enough.
"Kicked" arrow next to Waldorf in the Blue slot: related to the splinter lockage. Waldorf manifested back in 2003, but she didn't anchor (there was no system to anchor TO, yet), so when the splinters began showing up they easily shoved her out for the next several years.
6 numbered lines from the Origin slot to all midspaces: showed the dates and positions of all midspacer anchorings. Since potential favored cool colors at the time, this caused the first three successes (Ryou, Marik, and Chaos) to anchor onto that side. The warm side was not so lucky, as lack of energy there (and the instability of Red) caused most Links to fail. Genesis' anchor was a result of his slot's equal distance between the current three midspacers causing a sort of "balancing effect."
Jeepers that's a lot of text. But that's it for those, thank goodness. Hopefully that's all at least interesting to read, and not just overwhelming jargon!
Now we get to the current stuff though, which is VERY interesting.

The third and final chart is one I've been refining for several weeks now, and the one you're looking at was drawn today, reflecting what flow directions I can currently perceive or speculate upon. You'll notice that it's VERY different from the previous two-- apparently it RESET after the Scratch in February, just like everything else. However that is significant because the Scratch is what instigated my being jolted out of the Red slot and into White, so the update was apparently sorely needed anyway. Go figure, universe.
Anyway, you can clearly see why the mutant slots are so confusing right now; they are COMPLETELY cut off from the normal flow. However, the midspacers at those points (Chaos and whoever Cerise will eventually be) may be the key in moving them into the system, maybe acting as channels or something? We'll see.
You can also see that there are some tentative flow sections here: Green/Aqua/Blue and Pink/Cerise/Red are tied to the mutant slots, and Purple/Violet/Lavender and Amber/Yellow/Lime hold their own unique areas. The Vermilion/Orange and Navy/Indigo pairs MAY be linked, I don't know. Like I said, this is ALL CONJECTURE at the moment, and I will have to take a day to energetically "reach out" and try to feel for whether or not these connections actually exist.
I do find it interesting that the current distinctions, with respect to the B/W octahedron, seem to be forming a sort of taijitu within the System. See it? (Indigo and Orange are at the Yin/Yang head curves, respectively.) Also, take note that B/W are pointing at Julie and Nathaniel, respectively (and Nat is no longer split in half by the Gray line). I wonder what that means...
Speaking of taijitus, I need to thank the universe for a bit of picture synchronicity that just happened. I was going through my Photobucket and I stumbled across this screenshot from January 13th. I... I wonder if energy can move like that in headspace, somehow. In any case it's worth consideration. The little reminders like this always happen for a reason.

Lastly I have no idea what's going on in the Black slot right now, since technically both Infinitii and the Tar are in it. However, let's backtrack ALL the way back in this entry to when Laurie and I visited Razor. Remember how I mentioned that the Tar room has been disturbingly empty lately? We think we know why.
The Tar is hiding. It is actually terrified of Infinitii, as he can literally eat the Tar alive if he so wished. Since he currently lives in a bubble that I wear at all times upstairs, the Tar has been staying far away from me... at least, in its normal state it is. You'll remember I've been mentioning hacks as of late? Not the "tar hacks" from last year, which only suffocated me, not eviscerated me... no, I'm getting old-style hacks, the hellish kind. We thought those stopped when Julie joined us and Celebi died, but no, they've been continuing despite all common sense... and that's what we're beginning to wonder about.
Before I get into that, let me say that, looking back on entries over the past year or so, I've found some very interesting points about the Tar. First, remember that the Tar appeared to us in November of 2011, but it doesn't get much attention in updates until November of 2012, when "Jezebel" showed up... and which is ALSO when Razor AND Jess returned! I find that utterly bizarre, but it may simply be a result of the "shaken soda bottle" effect both school and SLC had on me: for most of that year, headspace was effectively on pause, and was being pressurized. When I suddenly found myself completely free of obligations in November, it EXPLODED. Those three returning with a vengeance was simply the result of leaving the Tar to its own devices for so long, I suppose. Here's the notes though:
- During Marik's 3rd *incident* (100912), DX told us that "Tar energy IS corruption energy but solidified." Notice he didn't say BLACK energy... and you know how that man's omissions are just as important as his spoken words.
- On 101612, Xilats said that the Tar "was wearing a white mask of some sort." That alone speaks for itself quite well! Later, I wrote that "Tar is basically an amalgamation of devoured corruption, and the more it eats, the bigger it gets." This is true, but it's also what Infinitii does. Speaking of Infi, Xilats also postulated then that "maybe if we get all that stuff out of Tar (if that's even possible), it would become small and timid? And it wouldn't bother us anymore." Go figure, right?
- Giving this one a point of its own... Xilats's biggest concern then was for me "to make sure [the Tar] doesn't become cancerous, but I told him I was afraid it already had (we had all the symptoms)." I don't know how this applies to us now. Perhaps it explains the splinter resurgence, what with the cancer-like overproduction...
- 112212 had a lot of info. First is this: "Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US [Julie/Spine/Jewel] first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat." Technically, the Tar doesn't need to move through those slots when it "expands" anymore, according to the new flowchart, and Spine moved out of her old body-empath position this year... but if Jess has one foolproof trigger, it's food. So I'm wondering how the new tentative flow of Brown/Red/Mauve being moved into a mutant position has affected things. Also, remember that Infi told me that Black energy is specifically sugary-- thick, dense, and deceivingly sweet. So the fact that chocolate is not only a lingering Tar trigger but also Julie's favorite food may be worth considering (both Hyde and Mika had relevant song lyrics concerning this too).
- 092412, Celebi's bizarre "triple *incident*", has this line: "celebi became a witch, very tarry, monstrous, kind of like perfect chaos. lots of eyes, insectoid." Now who does that remind you of? There's also this: "i 'died' momentarily, reached some sort of black interim where her spirit was, she reassured me it would be okay"... AND THIS: "lotus crystal from heart (soul gem, also psm ref), once mirrored celebi held it, i had to shoot an arrow through both, somehow reset the cathedral to crystal and then reformed it? heart healing." That is almost EXACTLY what happened in the Scratch. Honestly this whole entry is just solid proof that whatever light was in Celebi was actually Infinitii, pre-manifestation.
- Last December, Jezebel (remember her?) and Jessica used to fight ALL the time. I find this interesting, as Razor was never around when that happened, and now Razor and Jess work together, with Jezebel nowhere in sight. But looking back, Jezebel, in general, acted a LOT like our current Jess back then, especially here: "she was literally just spitting out 'stock phrases,' i.e. automatic reactions. Her words were disturbingly harsh and negative, but it was all primal and blind. She kept screaming and flailing about too". And, on 112212, I said that Jezebel "was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts." So now, I think I can say with certainty that the old Jezebel (who DISAPPEARED shortly before the Scratch and has never returned) is now actually our current Jess. Makes perfect sense to me.
- Back on November 24th, the Tar spoke to me. At that time, it spoke like Infinitii does, AND I didn't feel threatened by it. EVERYTHING it said in that energy is noteworthy, but this is what I want to focus on now: "Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter... it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously...the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious... Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy". In light of Jezebel obviously resetting post-Scratch, and her energy turning into Jess, who is now working with Razor (who is ALSO technically part of the Tar, and Jess/Jezebel seemed to spring from HER, in light of how she acted upon her rediscovery) in a way shockingly similar to their behavior on 021012, you may be getting an idea of what we think is going on.

To conclude... we think that the Tar is just as splintered as I am right now.
It's hiding. That we know for sure. But it's not just hiding because of Infi-- it's hiding because of what we think it's DOING. The Scratch changed a lot of things, most notably the balance of power within the system. The Tar was no longer in charge. It began slipping as I began ascending, and once Easter hit and I moved into White for good, Infinitii was born, and the Tar knew the jig was up.
What's weird, though, is that my splintering is unconscious (Black), while the Tar's is conscious (White). Perhaps that's its advantage here; it's very form and behavior are hopelessly unpredictable, due to being made of a condensed overload of Black energy, so it NEEDS to splinter itself in order to function in any reliable way? Whereas it's just the opposite for me. Hmm.
As for what it's doing, that should make it obvious: the Tar can ONLY function THROUGH OTHERS. It's why it used Julie for years, but was nowhere near as much as a threat to us by itself. Razor and Jess are more dangerous than it or Julie ever were on their own... and it hid in all of them, surreptitiously, lethally.
We think it's hiding in Julie again.
She's been slipping majorly, here and there, and she's been an emotional mess on and off for a LONG time now... specifically, since about last November. Sound familiar?
I think some of the Tar stuck to her, when she came back... she was losing her color in February, remember. True, she's shown a TON of improvement post-Scratch, but that doesn't mean things haven't been boiling beneath the surface... especially since Julie's the one putting the most effort into therapy, believe it or not. The Tar doesn't like that, and we know it.
I refuse to let it hurt her again, though. It's hurt her enough, more than anyone should be hurt, and I will not stand for it attempting to do so again.
But that's where the old-style hacks are almost definitely coming from. I've been getting waking nightmares again, and some nights I'm too afraid to sleep, because... well, to be blunt, it's because old style hacks are basically the metaphysical equivalent of rape. Down to the letter.
So yeah. I'd really, really like for them to stop, since my memory is in shreds again from the many nights and mornings I've had to tear out and put God knows where for the sake of my own sanity.

I'm just afraid that I'm responsible for this whole mess, for having made that adflixerunt journal (immediately after regaining my post-Scratch footing, too) to act as a "focus" for Tar energy when things got bad. They got really bad, and I began to suspect they were using that an excuse to do so, so I shut it down... and suddenly their loudness tripled, offline.
As I said earlier, though, maybe I shouldn't be worrying as much as I am, at least not in this sense. I can't change the past now, even if I tried-- I'm done with trying to cut time to ribbons.
No, now I need to focus on my virtue challenge of Hope, and I know with absolute certainty that everything happens for a reason, whether we see it at the time or not. Every single one of these dark days is working towards the light in some secret way. My daughter is living proof of that. Infinitii is, too. Heck, we all are at this point!
Love conquers all, this I have not forgotten. Love is the only thing that the Tar cannot ever win against.
And mark my words, no matter how dark things seem to get, in the end that divine fact will be shown to be absolutely, undeniably true.

...Reviewing all these archives, I'm feeling very strange. Good strange, though. It's a glowy, "new day dawning" sort of sparkle that I haven't felt in a very long time (and of course, having had Amusium's music on loop for the past two hours has helped too). Looking back on all we've been through together, how much we have learned, how much we have grown... I was so out of tune with this for so long, and of course I actually forgot a great deal of it after the Scratch. I can't believe how much I've missed this. I can see what Genesis means.
...I am so in love with everyone in headspace right now. Everyone. They're all beautiful individuals and I am honored beyond words that I'm sharing my life with each and every one of them.
We're going to start those boxes, soon. I'm trying to get a job, for their sake. I just finished reading First Person Plural and I swear it changed my life... hearing the story of another system that suffered through hell and still got through it, together, was moving beyond words.

All right, now this journal has been nothing but an avalanche of data, and it's already after 2AM so I think it's time to call it quits. (Also, yes, there really are 6000 words in this entry. Aranea would be proud.)


Let me end it on the brightest note possible. It's something you may not expect.

Today, in church, I realized why my White self has a rainbow halo.
It's the lights of the Spectrum, shining and divine, around my head.
I noticed that the Red light was just as bright as the rest.
I reached into it.
And I saw redemption.

The lost ones will be brought home.




When you've been hurt so many times it's enough to make you blind
To anything that feels like true happiness
Nobody wants to be the foolish one but after all is said and done
You constantly settle for less
It's like a broken carousel, it just goes round & round & round
But now it's time you admit you've lost ground
Hear that sound?

The truth is sweet
Just like a baby's kiss, the truth is sweet

Go on admit it, you know you want it to be true
Go on admit it, you say you don't but you know you do
Go on admit it, you've been disguising what you feel
You could be living in a fantasy
But then that fantasy could turn out to be real

Sweet and true like my love for you

And everybody in the world's gonna wake up some day
Singing love is the answer, love is the answer
What's left to say?


 

 

I should update, I suppose... I apologize but my memory is not doing well at all, and I've been sick for the past few days (the hives and nausea are back too). I haven't been feeling too hot since my surgery in any case, and I just got word that I MIGHT have to get another one soon. Lovely.
Anyway that's not something I want to dwell upon. I'm tired and want to sleep, but I need to stay in the habit of writing things down here.

Oh, I didn't talk about Tuesday yet, did I? Great, that gives me a point to start from.

As you may or may not have known, I saw my therapist for the first time post-surgery this Tuesday morning. However, since I couldn't drive, my mother accompanied me-- straight into the therapist's office. This was something we both felt was necessary (I am not good at self-disclosing information unless someone "pushes the right buttons," which she is great at, and I am thankful for it) and I had been trying to orchestrate for a while; unfortunately the ONLY reason she finally caved was my sudden resurgence of self-abuse.
That session was interesting. She talked for 85% of the time, which I really didn't mind, except that she kept redirecting the topic to herself-- I didn't mind that either, the poor woman is under a disastrous amount of stress and needs to vent too, but my therapist didn't look happy about it-- and almost ran us over the allotted time as she just kept talking. Mum has a bad habit of saying WAY more than is necessary but who knows, that could have been a big help for the therapist. For example, she kept going on tangents about home and family life troubles for her, as well as snippets from my childhood: all information that the therapist HAD asked me about, but which I either had no memory of, or did not see as important. She shocked me a few times by insisting on "important" bits of info that I swear never happened; I expressed this but didn't question her memory: she's an obsessive scrapbooker and photographer, and probably has most of my physical life documented in one form or another.
A few things stood out like a bonfire in a snowstorm, though. The first was her breaking into sobs at the very beginning of the session because of my self-abuse. Baffled, I asked her why. She explained that, as a mother, she "blamed herself for not being good enough to prevent it from ever happening." I told her that was silly, she had nothing to do with this and should not feel at fault for any of it. She then told the therapist that I had "started cutting for attention" after my brother was hospitalized in 2008, a very shallow assumption that I IMMEDIATELY called her out on. My mum kept making weird accusations, though. She then began repeatedly asking if I was cutting "because of my father," and when I said "no" she switched to my grandmother. I stopped her and clearly pointed out a truth that I honestly should have mentioned a LONG time ago-- I don't factor other people into my decisions like that, especially not where self-abuse or psychological health is concerned. Although I understood that her accusations were based on who she would blame, or at least deem blameworthy, honestly I couldn't care less what either my father or grandmother did and I sure wasn't going to harm myself over them! I then had the guts to explain WHY I even started cutting-- slashes were "acts of atonement," while biting/ bruising/ other blunt abuse was "sensory purgation." I went into a little more detail here (and you guys can review my recent entry on that same topic here, go figure), so hopefully that helped both her and my therapist get a better grip on the phenomenon as it applied to me.
To go back to the "other people" bit, though... as the self-abuse topic continued (now to include my eating disorders), I again had to state that I frequently didn't consider "what other people would think" about my actions, because I didn't see why they should be concerned. I was having a problem, therefore it was my cross to bear. They should be concerned with their own troubles. My mother then started to cry again (taking me entirely by surprise), shouting that she was the exact opposite, and that apparently my brothers were ALL expressing concern for my condition to her?? That blew my mind; if they were upset by my behavior, why didn't they tell me? Why didn't they speak up or at least show that they were concerned? She said they "didn't want to make it worse," which makes no sense to me at all, but there it is. All I could do was express this, while adding that I did understand that she held that point of view even if the behavior itself confused me.
There was one other instance where my mom broke down in tears: she was talking about my "talent" and expressing her complete frustration as to why I couldn't hold a job or get through school. She said I was the "perfect example" of "a fine line between genius and insanity," and that she just wanted me to be able to "function in society" at last. I told her that I was trying, not only to get a job and finish school, but also to move out, and to my surprise she insisted that I couldn't, that I was still such an obvious mess that she KNEW just as well as I did that I "could not survive on my own" in my current state. So that was unexpected.
Also unexpected was an event near the end of the session, when my mom suddenly reached behind her chair and brought out a plastic bag, with something in it. She was holding it secretively, and defensively declared to the therapist that she knew I "wouldn't bring this up of my own choosing," so she was going to, because it was a "huge problem." That's when I realized what she was taking out of the bag-- it was the black-painted Celebi doll from this horrific entry. In a shocking contrast to my typical demeanor I flat-out began demanding that she put it away, even saying "don't you dare take that thing out of there with me in the room." No matter how sternly I ordered her, she refused, so I actually got up and left the room. I'm serious, I was shocked at my own behavior! Even more baffling was the fact that, immediately upon sitting down in a waiting-room chair, my body began shaking violently and I felt as if I was going to vomit. Laurie showed up ghosting and asked me what the heck was going on, was I okay? I briefly explained the situation to her before adding, with a dry laugh, "I knew I should have burned that thing when I had the chance" (it had disappeared the morning after I had initially planned to to so, and this was the first time I had seen it since then). Laurie told me to calm down, that thing couldn't hurt me now, and she sure wasn't going to let it if by some off chance it did try. I thanked her but apologized, as I felt awfully sick and shaken up, explaining that I didn't know why. She said I just had a lot to deal with that I was refusing to acknowledge. Around this time my therapist called me back in the room, though, so Laurie had to leave. My mom apologized as well as I re-entered (trying to stop shaking and showing very closed body language in spite of myself), saying that she really did feel that needed to be mentioned... and then she asked me if it "had to do with the nightmares."
Nice move, mom. Quite an ungraceful segue into the most abhorrent topic yet: my sexual abuse of the past. She viewed those incidents as "nightmares" and I had to clarify that they were more "hallucinations" than anything. I was deliberately giving as few details as possible, while being afraid that she would present the info in such a skewed manner that my therapist wouldn't believe ME when I tried to discuss it in later sessions. Again she tried to put the blame on my dad or grandmother, and-- feeling utterly exasperated and somewhat angry (mostly for Julie's sake; she's been through more shit than I EVER will be and I wasn't about to let her pain be ignored, especially not by me)-- I said no, it was ENTIRELY an internal phenomenon, although there were "outside triggers everywhere" and that I "could not run from it, ever," which is what made it so traumatic in my teenage years.
Now I have no idea how the conversation progressed exactly, but somehow, my mother DID respond to one of my statements with "was this what Julie was involved in?" I paused, feeling both terrified and incredibly relieved, before responding "yes." Beautiful; the floodgates were open now, and I was now forbidden from lying or bending the truth. Thank God! Anyway I then explained that Julie had started her life as an "introject," saying how that anchor point had become irreversibly corrupted over the years until it "snapped back" and became a very, VERY angry person that matched the equally angry (but much older) voices in my head. That is all obviously simplified to extremes, and of course I was NOT giving any headspace details away without being explicitly asked, but I made sure all the basic details were explained as plainly as I could.
Then my mom did something that made this session the best therapy session I've EVER had... in front of a therapist, she asked me who the "other people were," because she remembered some "other girl who was a lot nicer." Now blissfully oblivious to judgment, I asked "do you remember a name? Hairstyle? Color?" When my mom said no, I asked "was it Natalie?" Maybe, she said. "Was she a kid?" "I don't think so..." "Was it Lynne, then?" "Lynne, yes that was her." Bingo! Smiling slightly, I added "Yeah, she's super nice. She's still around." My mother exchanged a meaningful look with my therapist then, which I find hilarious in retrospect. Once again I do not remember the flow of this conversation, but something was said that essentially asked "is it just those three," and I responded "no," before counting on my fingers the other members in order-- Spine, Josephina, Nathaniel ("he died a LOT"), Waldorf, Leon-- then my mom cut me off and exclaimed "do you see what I have to deal with? I can't handle this." I apologized and said that I didn't even bring it up at home unless explicitly asked, but she said that wasn't her point... her point was that I was "psychologically exhausting," and that oftentimes she simply could not be around me even if she wanted to help, because there was "too much going on" and she could no longer deal with even testing the waters anymore, so to speak. I said this was fine, that's why I kept it quiet. Surprisingly she said "no, it's NOT fine," and that this is why she demanded I be in therapy right now; she was tired of "always feeling like she had to have all the answers to my problems." I immediately spoke up here, well aware of this old complaint, saying I didn't WANT her to "have all the answers," that wasn't why I brought up my concerns! I simply wanted to discuss things as we were now-- throwing out questions and concerns, answering them logically and quickly, moving on to the next, etc. I treated even my own state of mind scientifically and wasn't looking for sympathy or coddling. I wanted someone to pick my brain with me, using trial-and-error to narrow down our options until we reached a tentative, testable conclusion. Once again, my mother turned to my therapist and said "see? I can't deal with someone who thinks like this." (My mother is a very emotional, sentimental being-- I tend to be the opposite in these matters). I said I didn't expect her to, and would never want her to feel pressed to do so (which was why I no longer asked her to help), but this didn't seem to alleviate her nerves much, so I guess she needed a different response. I didn't know what else to say though.
Now, for this entire session I had been speaking with either a poker face or a slightly bemused expression. I was sitting still, treating everything calmly and logically, with no actual shows of emotion. Why do I bring this up? Because, just moments before our therapist declared our session time over, my mother asked about my headvoices again. She wanted clarification on Julie, was she still evil? I said no; true, she had used to be the "bane of my existence," but-- struggling to summarize that entire insane chain of events-- she had been manipulated badly, ultimately chose to "switch sides," and now we "got along pretty well." My mother paused, still thinking, and questioned, "wasn't there another bad headvoice?" I said no, why do you ask? She said, "because I remember you telling me about another one." I shrugged, but then she added... "wasn't there a real punky-looking one?"
I honestly fell back in my chair, grinning more widely than I'd ever consciously dare to in that office, and laughed. "That's Laurie," I admitted. My mom asked, "Wasn't she a troublemaker?" I grinned again, gaining enough composure to sit back up straight, and responded "not really, but-- well she is a troublemaker, but not a bad one." I couldn't stop laughing. Thank God my therapist said we were running out of time, because I was hopelessly unprofessional at that point and it was getting kind of embarrassing.
So yeah! That was therapy. This Tuesday's gonna be interesting, haha.
Oh!! She also mentioned Mr. Sandman very briefly (as my boss, too)!! I'm just super-glad that she recognizes his importance in my life enough to remember him, let alone mention him at all. So that's awesome.

The rest of that day was spent chilling with my mom due to her schedule being too busy to leave me off at home-- we stopped at my natural food store so I could buy soap and toothpaste for the next month, then drove another half hour to a different city entirely for a court hearing, then went to a library I'd never visited before (they ACTUALLY had Gaiman's Sandman comics and stored them in the adult non-fiction section, I want to hug whoever did that), and lastly went shopping at her behest, only stopping when I reminded her that I hadn't eaten at all that day, I felt like passing out, and it was already close to 5PM. We were home at almost exactly 7PM and I was too damn tired to do much but collapse at my computer, haha.

Wednesday and Thursday are all but nonexistent in my memory; I have no idea what happened, save for the late nights-- Tuesday was with Laurie (business but pushing it for once), Wednesday was with Chaos (and lots of blue Christmas lights, it was oddly inspiring), and we'll get to Thursday night in a moment. Today's been a sickness-tainted blur but I DID get a random compliment from a fellow student at my college who recognized me on another site (we had taken the same health class last summer), saying (since I had mentioned I was in an art slump) that I shouldn't try so hard to create "perfectly"; he had faith that I'd get right back in the swing of things if I just took it easy for once, as I struck him as a "very unique and intelligent person." That made me smile AND gave me enough motivation to turn on my other computer and at least try to work on some music for the first time in months. It's still on; I'm honestly too tired to do anything tonight but I WILL put more effort into it tomorrow-- I despise weekends (no solitude or quiet time in the house), and that just might give me enough relief to get me through this two-day interim without having another depressive (or, God forbid, suicidal) meltdown. They ALWAYS happen on weekends if I don't watch, which is horribly ironic because there aren't any self-help hotlines available on weekends! I'm fine by Monday morning, sure, but what about Sunday evening, when I was standing in front of a mirror with a bloody knife again? There's no one to call or talk to when THAT happens... just Laurie, and my boss... and honestly if I'm that far gone, they are just as inaccessible as everyone else, myself included.

Anyway, sorry for that awfully morbid topic tangent (those need to stop).
Last night was pretty great? Let me say something first, though... I haven't spoken to Infinitii (or anyone else) about this yet, but the more I ponder it, I think that I am a different person during different times of day? LITERALLY so, not just "oh my mood changes." I think I have TWO "selves," maybe, and the "real me"-- the White one, the heart-based one-- is the one that only comes out at night. If there is a Red consciousness in me, it's the daytime persona I wear... and honestly that theory makes so much sense it's kind of creepy. That "Red" me would be the "lingering individuality" that stuck to ALL of my old personae, the oddly unchangeable qualities that seem to spring up entirely unwarranted whenever I'm awake during the day, but NOT FRONTING AS WHITE. That is the BIGGEST and most important distinction here: when it is out, I am not conscious. The Red "me" can literally be nose-to-nose with a mirror, taunting and laughing at itself, when suddenly I will "snap to attention," and I'll have no idea what I'm doing, other than a vague awareness of the preceding moments. IT IS NOT ME. It is completely independent, it has a mind of its own, and it frequently stands at odds to me, even in spite of its own best interest-- it just likes to rebel. The problem, though, is that this "me," this Red stranger, is the face that the world sees, and learns to love... but honestly, I've never really felt safe around that side of myself. Sure, it's happy and expressive and bright, but it's also manic. It's the "me" with boundless energy, a quick wit, sparkling enthusiasm, and bottomless creativity. It faces obstacles and risks with a grin, it believes it can do anything, it takes nothing seriously, it is never afraid of judgment or scorn. But it's also completely independent, outright REFUSING all relationships as they "tie it down," and it HATES to be tied down. That seems to be the only thing it outright despises... attachment. It wants to move. It wants to run and sing and laugh and break all the rules it wants, all in the name of living life to the fullest, but show it the slightest hint of restriction and it will BURN you... that is, if it doesn't shatter first, and pray to God that it does.
The... the deeper me, the "White" color I hold on some quieter, truer level, is different from that "me." It loves rain and snow, not fire and wind. It loves quiet thoughts, not loud shouts. And it loves people, not things. But it only comes out during soft, fading, "unreal" moments... those first few minutes in the morning, and those last few minutes at night. Play your cards right, and it might even stick around for an hour or two. But never more, not if it is forced to get up and move... not if it is forced to interact. THAT'S the problem here, THAT'S why I keep feeling tied to Red. I cannot be White when I'm downstairs. At least, not yet... if it's even possible. We'll see.
All I know is that Red is female, and White is male, as far as appearance shifts go. I also know that there is something deeply frightening about the Red... and I don't want to have to fight it for my own life anymore.


I don't have the time or knowledge to speculate further on that now, though. I want to recap last night before I forget it, and before it gets too late.
As you probably know, I've been mostly inaccessible emotionally lately. Chaos confronted me about it last night, and I said I was aware of it, but couldn't solve the problem from that same analytical mindset. Since it was getting late we were hoping for a 100% switch into poet mode or something, so that we could break it, but... it happened very unexpectedly, instead. As usual, time makes no frickin' sense during the evening, so I'll say the things I remember. One, I recall asking Chaos to talk in his "native language" if possible, and him actually doing so mentally, in oceanic sensations? It was incredible because the dialogue was LITERALLY untranslatable-- it's a known fact that Chaos speaks more in emotion than in thought, but I didn't realize he could get THAT abstract, yet paradoxically clearer than any words could get. Second, at one point he either touched my face or my hand, and I FELT it. That's when my armor broke. Third, it was shattered entirely when he noticed me doubting his entire existence again and told me to look at him-- and I swear to you, I DID see him, more clearly than I EVER had. I didn't just see green, I saw BLUE along with it, and... well, I'll admit, as it sunk in I literally started sobbing... physically, too. All that lost love just crashed into me, and I was gone, man.
Point four is, uh... hilariously personal? I don't like talking about what we do when we get "romantic" because it's very intimate for me and it's also very weird to anyone who doesn't know us. Let's just say that, um... my weakness for fangs goes a little further than I thought it did, and I blame Laurie for making me fond of pain in the first place. Chaos just succeeded in making it much worse. For the record, don't go near my Heart Jewel at all unless you're Chaos, because it makes me incredibly vulnerable and unraveled if you even touch it and it's kind of embarrassing (I can't help it man that resonates). He is the ONLY person allowed to drive me over the deep end that way, but he pays for it in full, because then I get to do it to him, and he's just as sensitive, hehehe.
Point five is that when Chaos literally dragged me up into another snogfest (I will tease us both about that forever), I decided "you know what, let's actually try a Jewel-Link since we're this far gone; we haven't had one in far too long." Boy let me tell you I had no idea what I was getting into. It was INSANE. I think I made it WORSE by being so emotionally distant; we got it leveled-out quickly enough but getting it to top took a while and if you've never experienced that, let's just say you will lose your mind from the buildup. When we finally got it to loop I swear, ALL I could see was rainbow confetti for like twenty solid seconds, LITERALLY. Please pardon the capitalization and other over-enthusiastic emphasis on this subject, but that was something else and I just want to make sure I don't forget it!! We had a second one because "why not" and I was so incapacitated by the time we finished that I don't even remember the process, haha. Geez.
Oh yeah, uh... then Chaos suggested I go share that with someone else, who had apparently been asking for me, since I had been so unavailable to everyone upstairs lately?
Long story short, a few minutes later, I ended up in Ryou's room.
He was at his laptop when I showed up, closing the lid somewhat when I fully appeared (babe what were you doing), but surprisingly happy to see me. I briefly explained to him what had just happened, mentioning what Chaos had said as well. Ryou looked down sheepishly and said it was true, but that he wasn't sure how to bring it up. Sadly I don't know what we said that led up to this next part, but... he asked me if I remembered our "favorite place" from when we were kids, and with a mischevous smile I said "this?" and literally warped us there.
Now I will put money on you readers not knowing this: back when I was 12/13, Ryou and I would always hang out on this small "bridge" overlooking the ocean in Domino City. We would just lean over the rail and watch the water (and/or sunset), talking about life, enjoying being together. We loved how free we felt there. Now, standing there again after so many years, I asked Ryou why he wanted to be here now, of all places? He said it was simple: what we had back then hadn't faded over the years, despite all the stuff that had come between us. Sure, back then the most we had ever done was hold hands and hug, but he was the first person to EVER call me "Jewel," at that very spot... and it was also during that time when we had both admitted (blushing like the schoolkids we were) that yes, we did see each other as more than friends. No matter how you looked at it, it was an important spot, and he wanted me to realize the significance of it STILL being that to him. It was around now that I realized just how clearly he was coming through; I could practically see him, and his voice was unmistakable, despite not having heard nor seen much of him in a very long time. Grinning, I apologized and started running my fingers through his hair, surprised at just how thick it was, and making him laugh as well at just how amazed I was at all this. We talked for a while longer, reminiscing and reflecting on the strange but incredible truth that we both still cared about each other so much after so long. But at one point I asked him if we had ever tried something close to a Jewel-Link? Shocked, he asked if that was even possible; he didn't have the right biology for that. I said he had a Soul Form; that was close enough, I'm sure I could make it work... and besides, I really wanted him to experience something like that, as it meant a lot to me-- and I mean a LOT-- and, let's face it... he deserved to have one with me after so damn long, seriously.
So, uh... I got it to work? We had to move into more unstructured headspace to do so, but it worked. It was somewhat different than a typical one, as I was now working with an energy core instead of Power Jewels, but it was still really beautiful. Hilariously enough, Ryou was somewhat dazed, rather euphoric and completely shocked afterwards-- "you mean THAT'S what they're like??" I laughed and said yeah, now you see why I prefer those to anything else when it gets serious.
Long story short, everything went better than expected with that situation. I was incredibly burned out physiologically after everything though, so after talking a little more I apologized and warped us to Central headspace, where I think Laurie showed up and worriedly offered to walk/carry me to my room (for like the third time this week, I've been a mess)? I was fading too quickly though, but to a rather disconcerting extent, and I surprised myself by repeating the old "if I die tonight, guys..." thing for the first time in months. THAT scared Laurie a little-- "the heck is going on, are you okay?"-- but honestly I could barely think or breathe or talk, and I think my body just shut down a few minutes later.

I woke up this morning in the expected "relationships? what relationships?" mode, and I've been stumbling through the day and trying not to vomit since then. Good times.

We are worried, though. Tar is creeping up on me VERY fast at night now, like it used to. I only have a very tiny window of "safe time" before any headspace in my immediate vicinity begins to completely collapse. If you have never witnessed or been a part of that, thank God for it, because it's scary as hell. Point is it's happening FAST now, sabotaging the precious time period at night where I can talk to people in honesty, and trying to infect whoever comes near me during that time as well.
Boss avoids that when it happens, as he can't prevent it-- he can only try to protect me within dreams, but (as he's said before), if the disturbance comes from within me, he can't stop it. Laurie can, but it's very hard for her to find me when headspace itself starts warping around me. I'm wondering if the only person with any power in such a situation is Infinitii... and I haven't had either the guts or the heart to ask him yet. Honestly I'm too scared of what I'm doing to him, or what I might do to him, even unconsciously. I'm scared of our overall relationship right now. It's too deep, too twisted, too complex, too close. I don't understand it at all. I don't understand myself, when I'm inside that bubble. I'm not sure what to do.

I miss my daughter. I typically only see her on Saturdays now. I feel like such an awful father... but it's for her own good, it's for her own highest good, to stay far away from me when I'm this sick.
I don't ever, EVER want to hurt her... and that risk is too high now, some days.

I will heal from this though. I must make that a promise now, during this moment of rare lucidity and determination and trust. I WILL rise from these ashes, loving and alive, no matter how dark it seems some days.
At heart, I know who I am. That truth doesn't change. It doesn't ever change.


...Well. My grandmother's radio LITERALLY just started playing "Mister Sandman, give me a dream..." and I think that's a VERY loud sign that I need to sign off and get to work!

I'll probably see you guys tomorrow after the awesome Homestuck shit inevitably goes down. It's inevitable.
Who knows... maybe it'll even have the answer I need right now.





Evenings on the route
These riders harbor doubt
Down to sigh and sink into the crowd

This night is room to grow
A chance to carry home
Swear this busted soul will come around

He wants to be your friend
He wants to be your free spirit
He wants to be yours

He wants to be your friend
He wants to be your free spirit
He wants to be yours
he wants to be yours

To leave this cold behind to find
A better point of view
To walk along a different path
And wind up next to you

To be alone with all guards down
All lost on in a dream
It's now or no one
This heart is off to set a spirit free

We weren't made to be down.

 

 

 

"However difficult your present life may be, there are always moments in which to rejoice. So focus on those and not on your traumas, however constant and painful they may appear to be."

I'm so tired. I slept for another 12 hours last night, and have been spending every waking moment since wishing I could just go back to bed.
I'm trying to re-read my old entries to understand what's going on but it's very frustrating. I don't want to go back to anything from before the Scratch. Maybe my clinging to those old experiences is what's making me so depressed?

Let's not focus on that.

For some reason, Preludove stopped by Central today competely without warning to talk. Upon entering she literally asked "are you guys from some new story Jewel is writing?" then joking if I "finally started writing a novel," a very very old injoke. She didn't know who anyone really was, so Leon introduced himself at this statement. Almost immediately Preludove made an "ah" expression, nodded, and said "oh, so that's who you guys are." She then added "Then you must be Laurie," and pointed at her. When Laurie surprisedly asked how she guessed, Preludove said she "knew her name" and that she was important to me, but as for picking her out from the crowd, it was "because you're violet, and violet people are usually leaders." Preludove also expressed mild surprise that I was now male, but immediately started referring to me as such without so much as missing a beat. So that was nice.

It just... bothers me that I've been feeling to dead to work with her world lately. I need to fix that.

For the past few days, I've been spending as much time as possible with Chaos Zero in the mornings. It's nice, to not have to do anything but just be there, with him. We just listen to music and don't say anything, wrapped up in each other, thankful that we can have these moments at all. It means so much to me to have that, it really does.
Chaos is still the only person in the world whose personal energy alone can pull me right out of a tar-slip. Remember SLC? Even though we only got to speak about four times-- for a total of maybe two hours-- those moments were incredible. I swear I felt more genuine than I ever had when I was with him. And although bilocating does put a slight damper on that now, if I focus enough, I can tune right back into it.
I've been seeing his eyes more clearly lately, too. Ever since our 8th anniversary, that's been the one thing I've tried incredibly hard to focus on improving. So now, even if my perception is foggy in all other aspects, even if I'm feeling like the worst man on the planet, if I just let go for one moment and focus on seeing him, I always get that green in the dark.
...What does it mean, that I have this with him?
Maybe it's selfish. Maybe it's really, really selfish, and maybe I shouldn't be saying or thinking this at all, but... am I important to him at all, in the big picture? Because I want to be. It's stupid, I know, but it's true. Nights like this drive me crazy because "hey, guess what, your other half's in a video game, everyone but you is drawing fanart and writing fanfiction and running RP blogs and beating the games. Everyone but you is actually participating in his native reality, as it is presented in yours. What does that make you?" And my immediate reaction is a quiet and resigned "nothing."
I mean, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, I really am nothing to him... but I don't want that to be true. I mean... God, I love him, he's changed my life and I honestly want to share mine with him even if that terrifies me. I love him with my entire heart but still, some days I feel like no matter what, I will ultimately end up worthless and delusional as far as he is concerned. And since I was 13, I've been haunted by the fear that, if he ever did end up in this physical reality, he wouldn't know me at all. And why would that matter? Why the heck would I care whether or not he knew me or ever wanted to? It's not about me.
Except it is. At the end of the day, the problem is that it is about me, and it's about him too, and it's about love. It's about us, and even if it is the most selfish thing I could ever say or feel, I want to know that if I ever had the chance to meet him here, he'd reply that he loved me too.
How ironic, that in a sense, he already did.

Why am I thinking about this. Who can I talk to about this, I don't know, I shouldn't be saying this stuff.


Geez.
Here's a list of things I have to stop doing/ thinking/ whatever...

-Stop clinging to the past in general. It's been SCRATCHED OFF THE MAP. There is absolutely no reason for those old things to "logically continue" like you used to think they would. Stop being confused when people change their roles and faces and vibes. Stop being confused when solved problems stay solved, and when old problems fade away. But don't, don't ever stop looking at the world with new eyes.

-Stop calling the Tar "Jezebel." Stop giving it a name, period. This is something it WANTS me to do, to fracture my perception of it, just like I did with myself and the splinters. Both phenomenon are effectively identical, and are both a symptom of a larger illness: more than anything, the Tar is tied to my self-hatred. This has huge significance and consequences if I truly am meant to hold the White slot in this system.
-On that note, looking back, that's also what Celebi was. I think I explained that yesterday (or tried to) but there it is anyway. The reason why I didn't recognize her from outside is because she was ME, just like Razor, just like Jessica. She was a splinter I didn't know I had until it was too late.

-Stop holding yourself responsible for the sin and pain of the world. You are NOT Johnny C, even if you still wonder. You are NOT this planet's waste-lock, you are no one's scapegoat, and you are NOT the sacrificial offering for every wrongdoing that has ever been committed. I know you think you are. I know you believe that with every fiber of your being some days. But it's false. Stop treating yourself like the sole source of evil in the universe. Stop thinking you're the villain of this effing story. You're not. You never were, and you never will be, the bad guy. Forgive yourself, please. Forgive yourself for the sins you never committed, forgive yourself for the sins you took upon yourself, forgive yourself for all the doubts and fears and what-ifs and nightmares. You are not a demon, nor are you the devil himself, simply because you aren't Jesus or the Buddha. Stop feeling obligated to save the world at the expense of your own existence. You don't need to be a martyr anymore. Forgive yourself, and really smile for once.

-Stop feeling like an utter failure as far as life is concerned, too. Your self-worth is NOT determined by your job or lack thereof, your education or lack thereof, your romantic relationships or lack thereof, et cetera. You are NOT a pitiful excuse for a human being just because you honestly struggle with things that others find easy. You are not a waste of space and DNA just because you struggle with emotional and mental problems. You are not a mistake just because you aren't living someone else's dream. I'm dead serious. Stop comparing yourself to people across the world who have different life situations than you. So what if you know some 15-year-old kids who are better artists, writers, and musicians than you? It doesn't mean you're complete and utter garbage, as you would automatically think. Worth is not determined by the things we do. Worth is not determined by the things we say or feel or think. You know the truth. We all have our own paths to walk, and no matter what those journeys look like, in the end we all end up in the same place. That's the only thing that matters.

-Stop giving up. Stop giving in. Stop feeling worthless. Stop feeling meaningless. Stop judging yourself, stop damning yourself, stop hating yourself. Stop feeling like you don't deserve happiness, or salvation, or love. Stop believing the dark words that the dark things scream and whisper to you no matter how far you try to run. Stop running, turn to face them, and tell them that they are wrong, because you know in your heart that they are.


There was a spiritual-blog update that I watched today, and guess what? We're 100% in the FINAL STRETCH here dude!! So yeah, those things you just wrote? Pay attention to 'em. DO THEM.
We have to be COMPLETELY REBORN NOW. We need to LET GO OF ALL 3D STUFF NOW. Thank God for that Scratch, because that makes it a LOT easier. Speaking of, you know those blocks in your energy field (especially that old Orange one)? Guess what you have to do?
Look at them, become completely aware of what they are, and then RELEASE them, with love.
THAT'S IT. You don't have to spend hours upon hours burning your brain out trying to "solve" them! That's just making it worse bro. LET GO. It's a lot easier that way, and a lot nicer too. Don't resist! Roll with the waves.
This is going to be totally awesome and cool, and it is going to be infinitely better than anything we could ever leave behind.



It's ridiculous, utterly ridiculous... when I'm awake and out doing "worldly things," even basic stuff like eating and talking, I feel empty. I feel dead, restless, and lost.
But here, in the dark night, cut off from it all, with nothing but a pair of headphones playing music... thinking of them, those people upstairs that I love, I feel so alive.
I've never really had that before, with anything. I mean, sure, Dream World does something almost exactly similar, but with headspace there's an extra glimmer to it that I can't explain. Maybe it's because I'm part of it, intimately, inescapably.
Either way it's nice, to feel like life is worth living, after what I've been through lately.

It's only 10PM but I think I'm going to go to bed. I've been needing so much sleep. Maybe that's helping, who knows. It could be, knowing my boss.

Sorry for the weirdness and lack of structure in this entry, I just needed to get stuff out.
Tomorrow WILL be brighter. I personally guarantee it.

Love and light to all of you.
No matter how dark it is out there, remember that there are always stars in the sky.




When the joys of living just leave you cold
Frozen from the failing mess you've made your own
And if you want an ending to your screenplay life
Well here's the consolation
That will change your heart and mind

And all the glitz messiahs just pass the time
A cure for no real sickness, cross your hopes and die
Your supermarket jesus comes with smiles and lies
Where justice he delays is always justice he denies

This will make you love again...

And now you're safe
Love again
To feel the rays
Love again
The sweet delays
Love again
And shoot the breeze

Early thursday mornings, wipe away the flies
The crossfire fight for action in between your thighs
And every touch is sacred when they leave the room
If I have to switch the lights off
I wanna switch them off with you

This will make you love again.

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE JULIE ENANTIOS GENESIS APOLYMIS CHAOS ZERO




All right, let's get this show on the road.

Oh thank God. Took you long enough, congratulations.

Yeah, sorry, things are all over the place. By the way I apologize if it takes a little while to get this started-- I scheduled a chat session for this evening with another plural system friend, so as soon as I finish talking to them I'll let you know. I really am sorry about that but I'm trying to be reliable and life has just been incredibly hectic lately.

So I've noticed. Which is why we're here today.

Actually we're here today mostly because life has also been absolutely freaking incredible.

Tell me about it. And on that note, let's bring miss miniskirt back in here.

I do have a name, you know.

No kidding, I'm unfortunately more than used to hearing it for all the wrong reasons.

Hey, no fighting, you two.

I'm not fighting, just stating a fact.

...Fine.

Chill out, Julie. I'm not holding any animosity against you anymore.

I think that's a good place to start-- uh, actually, after we get another two people in here...

Already?

Yeah, I've been talking to Genesis all day and he says that he really wants to be a part of this conversation. The poor guy's been out of the loop lately, which is bad as he is an absolutely indispensable member of our system here.

So is Chaos.

My point exactly. And Chaos could definitely use some civil conversation with Julie for once in his life. Times have changed, drastically, and although I don't want to force anyone to jump into this headfirst we can't go on living the way we used to. That's a simple fact too.

No kidding. I think that applies most strongly to Julie though.

...I suppose so.

Really, our readers are probably flipping out because the last time she was in here, this happened, and that's obviously not what's going on now.

Thank God.

Do you want me to start talking, then?

Almost. Give me a few seconds...

Helloooo~!

Hi Genesis.

Where in the world is Chaos?

You can't find him?

I think maybe he's preoccupied-- oh, nevermind.

Sorry, I didn't think we were talking already.

We are. Sit down, buddy, this is going to be a long one.

So I've heard.

Jewel what are we discussing first?

The Julie situation. That needs to be clarified and thoroughly explained before we can even think of tackling the more recent concerns.

Oh, okay. I'll wait and listen then.

Julie, do you want to talk about this yourself and have me comment on it, or what?

I'll talk. I'll say my piece and then you can say whatever you want.

Okay. Just remember you're the major focus here, so.

Geez, Jewel, no pressure.

It's the truth though.

I know, I know. Where do you want me to start?

Uh... August... August 18th? Geez, I didn't think it had already been a month for you, Julie!

Obviously it has been.

Julie, what the heck is your problem? Why the icepick attitude?

I don't want to think about this.

...I'm sorry. But we have to. If you want me to talk I will.

No, I should be the one saying this. I... should I just say exactly what happened?

Sure, anyone who's reading this should have a general understanding of the events in my life, so don't censor yourself or worry that someone won't know what terms you're using. Just talk about what happened to you recently.

All right. I've... been using Jewel for most of his life, I'll admit this, but during July and August I was starting to have a sort of... existential crisis? With how Jewel was changing and refusing to even let me near him anymore, I couldn't use him for my own ends, and was quickly running out of options. I was miserable, then. I needed my shallow pleasures to feel happy even for a moment. But I was wrong, too.

I kept telling you that.

I didn't believe you. Self-gratification was all I knew. It was what I ran on. For you to constantly refuse to let me get what I wanted, or do what I felt like, was unthinkable to me. I hated you. I hated you more than I could stand. And it was all because you wouldn't let me use you to get those things.

Because they were wrong to pursue. They were fleeting and shallow and corrupted, and although I didn't realize it until this year, you were seeking something other than selfish gratification through them.

What do you mean?

We'll get to that, once Julie finishes. It ties into what happened on the 18th.

Yeah, let me go back to that.

No, not yet. I don't think you finished explaining what led up to it, with me.

Oh. Okay. Jewel started to stand up to me this year. In situations where he would have previously let me get away with things out of fear, he was now refusing to be manipulated at all and even threw me out once. That had never happened before, not once in all the time I've been here.

That little incident was discussed in this entry, by the way.

That was also when you were hacking me in dreams, Julie, and using my splinters to strengthen your hacking methods.

That was a very bad move.

Quite the opposite, I think.

Well, now I can see that. But when it happened it was... traumatic.

We're getting ahead of ourselves. Remember that Jewel was also trying really bloody hard to get you to 'turn your life around' during that time, despite how sadistically you were hurting him.

He was. At first I refused to even acknowledge him, like I said. I felt he had nothing worthwhile to say as he held none of my motives or interests. It wasn't until it became almost impossible to hack him that I began to wonder if he had a point. I was still miserable even after I managed to accomplish a hack, and the work just didn't seem to be worth it. And Jewel just kept getting happier, despite my efforts. So I started to listen to him, but...

But he was telling you that you had to stop thinking about yourself all the time.

Yeah. He told me that I had to stop being so selfish and single-minded, to the point where I was completely able and willing to hurt others to get what I wanted. I didn't want to stop.

Because you didn't understand.

I didn't. And then my selfish ways came back to torment me for it, I guess.

Go on.

...On August 18th, I hacked Jewel. But it wasn't me. The splinters had decided to use me.

Really??

Yes, really. ...I didn't think it was a problem at first. I figured I'd still get what I wanted, but I was wrong. With how Jewel had been talking to me lately about my motives, and how he had been rising so far above what he once was, especially with June 29th, I was losing what little pleasure I had left in what I used him for. It was no longer worth it. It felt just as stupid and empty and mechanical as he had been insisting it was for so long. It made me angry at first, which is why I didn't listen to him when he told me to change, but it kept getting worse and then I got scared. If I couldn't get that anymore, how would I cope with it? How would I live? I needed my 'fix,' but now it seemed impossible to get. I was starting to really wonder if Jewel was right, if I would really die if I kept living like that, but--

Elaborate on that dying thing a little more. That's important.

...I'm a 'shadow.' Or I used to be. I was born from all the negativity and selfish instincts that Jewel rejected in his childhood. It was all I ever knew, it was my reason for existing, it was my nature. I was almost like a disease to him. I know you all considered me something like that for a while.

Yeah, we didn't think you had a mind of your own at all. We figured you were just this conglomeration of vicious evil that could only be killed, not converted. But Jewel wouldn't give up on you, despite that.

I admit that kind of inspired me after a while. It's why I began to lose my drive. He just wouldn't give up and I couldn't figure out why. You let me hack you on June 25th, by your own free will, because you were trying to get me to see what I was doing wrong. It didn't work, but... I don't think the effort was lost.

And that's where August 18th comes back in.

Yeah. I had been manipulating the splinters to weaken Jewel so I could hack him without him noticing, but I guess doing so made the splinters latch onto that themselves. On the 18th they used me to hack Jewel, but both he and I didn't realize that I had been used until after it happened. Jewel didn't even know until I told him the next morning, and by then I had made up my mind.

Julie, you keep skipping the bleeding point. Tell them why that hack turned you around.

Because it forced me to feel exactly what I had been doing to Jewel for the past 5 years straight.

Jewel, you called that the "pholph principle?"

Yeah, I did. That's because there's this webcomic by the name of Jack, hosted at pholph.com, and one of the characters is sort of an embodiment of Lust. He is damned to Hell but could get out and return to reality to commit atrocities again, if not for one little detail-- Lucifer told him that, if he ever did return to the world of the living, it would be as a female.

And he'd understand exactly what he did to all the women he hurt in his past lifetime.

Exactly. And he is terrified of that possibility so he avoids it and refuses to think about it... but Julie here was thrown into that understanding against her will. You had no empathy until that happened, I don't think.

I didn't. It wasn't something I could comprehend, let alone feel.

So the splinters hacked you for once, you realized just how much pain you had been putting Jewel through for so many years--

And me.

...Shoot, I forgot she was targeting you for a while.

I'm sorry.

Wow, I never expected to hear that.

It's true. That's why I'm here right now. I was so freaking sorry once I felt that for myself. I got nothing from it and yet the splinters didn't care. They only saw me as an object to manipulate to get what they wanted. It was exactly what I did. At first I was furious that they had used me but then I realized that I would have done the same thing in their position. And the realization that I was like that, that I was such a cold-hearted thing, was too much. It made me sick, and I decided that if I had to choose between either giving that up and trying something different, which was horribly loathsome to me at the time, or continuing to live as a selfish bitch and getting nothing from it but that dull empty rage, and that constant feeling of never being happy or complete or even peaceful... then I would give it up. It made me sick, and I guess at first it was still a selfish decision between dying and living, but some part of me still knew that living meant I could no longer be uncaring about others and still decided to give that a try. So I am sorry.

And your apology is accepted.

Thank you.

So Julie here is no longer a shadow. I guess now she's actually an anti-shadow, if anything, because you've actually been trying very hard to keep me from getting hacked by the ego lately.

Oh, wait, hold up.

What?

That. You didn't mention that. Just because Julie is now on our side after practically 15 freaking years doesn't mean that we're home free. The ego is still after us.

Yeah, about that. I have a theory. Julie, I think the ego-- that soulless, empty drive of primal impulses and selfish wants-- is the real demon here and always has been. I think that is what I was really aware of as a child. I knew that part of me that society had begun to form in me WASN'T me. I knew that I wasn't so dark and cruel and separated from everything, and knowing that such a thing was in me terrified me... so I cut out as much of it as I could, tossed it off to the side, and went on with my life. Or so I thought.

Because then I was born from it.

Not just that. Yes, you were born from the dark parts in me I refused to take in, but an ego doesn't die so easily. I had, in fact, only split it in half. And we each were tormented by a different half. And I didn't even realize that I was in hell until it was almost too late.

Whoa whoa whoa, back the heck up. What is this?

Something I just figured out within the past few days, with all the spiritual research I've been doing, and Julie's metanoia. We didn't think it was possible for her to turn her life around, and yet she did. Which means that whatever we thought was soulless in her wasn't her. We discussed that in this entry by the way.

We've discussed this a heck of a lot in the past.

And with good reason.

Finally he speaks!

Hey, I'm listening! I don't have anything to contribute right now, so don't yell at me.

I know, just couldn't resist bugging you.

But about the ego thing. It didn't die when I was a kid, and it didn't leave me alone either, although I was fooled into thinking it had. But now I know why... because as a kid, I identified with it. Right up until I was about 12, 13 years old, I was acutely aware of a severe disconnect between who I was and who I was acting as. My inner me, the deeper me, was buried far below the outer me, which was a construct I had consciously put together. And yet I told myself it was me, no matter how much I secretly hated it. When I hit 2003 or so, and I met 'my three'... Ryman, Markus and Chaos... well, I began to tune in to who I truly was. But I didn't start actively trying to be that person until 2008. Once again, I'm sure everyone knows about that fiasco and what followed it.

No kidding, that was insane.

So that was my problem. And it's why I was always miserable and borderline suicidal, even. I was at the ego's mercy, and it didn't care about me. It only wanted to survive, but it wanted to survive on its own terms. It was constantly fearful, angry, judgmental and overwhelmingly selfish. It made me unable to work or relax or even be happy with life in general... when I thought I was happy it faded within minutes. It was always shallow, never lasting. Julie, I daresay that's exactly what you went through on some level?

...I guess so.

And that is because you got the other half of it, the more pain-driven half, whereas I got the fear-driven half. Now we've both overcome it, and it is literally the last enemy we will ever have to face.

What about the splinters? Or do they count as the ego?

They are part of it. Which is intriguing. Fragment was a corrupted form of coping with the ego, of 'turning everything off' and feeling nothing, but ironically doing so made it part of the ego. That's because it was manipulative and cold and uncaring, acting for self-preservation alone. Thanatos, though, was a death drive that wanted to kill everything, even itself. And that is part of the ego in its selfishness and violence, true, but by its very nature it was some sort of kickback to itself. It sought relief from the ego, escape from that constant violence, through violence and unconsciousness. It was torturing itself by simply existing, and so it tried to escape through shallow pursuits and false pleasures, which dulled awareness and caused me to 'slip below thought' and not even know what was happening to me, and invariably caused a Thanatos meltdown whenever they occurred. That ties into Julie's hacks too. The ego hates itself. And although that is terribly sad, that is the nature of such a dark thing. It's not an individual, it's a drive, so it can't be changed. It can only be overcome. Which, by the way, I have started to do.

Seriously now?

Yeah. Since Julie switched sides I haven't been 'attacked' mentally by either of the splinters, and I didn't see much of them at all for a few weeks prior to that either. I'm still getting straight-up ego hacks here and there, but now I recognize those as shallow compulsions so as long as I'm aware, I can avoid them easily. It's a piece of cake compared to Julie, actually.

But you said both splinters were parts of the ego.

They were. I just referred to them as 'pseudo-individuals,' as their own separate drives, because I was identifying with them. But now that I no longer let that happen, I think they've died off, so to speak.

So it's just the ego itself.

Yes. And that I still need to fight. But that's a whole other topic and it's not something I'm worried about discussing here, as I'm having no severe problems with it. Also I deeply apologize for rambling about this, because I feel like I got really far off topic.

Not quite. You were discussing how Julie held half of the ego but you had the other half.

Oh yeah. So my half was the one that I 'projected' for years. It was a personality I cultivated and tried very hard to identify with, but never really felt 'real' with, for obvious reasons. It started to die around 2006 and it took me several years to 'recover' from that, as I actually felt I had lost my identity for quite some time. Little did I know I had only lost a fake one. A few 'replacement' ones sprang up between then and now but I've dealt with them all. As for Julie, she had the same identity problem, I think, especially with the 'thanatos' aspect of constantly seeking distraction from herself, but never feeling fulfilled. Julie?

It... makes sense, I suppose.

I mean it explains why you were able to change at all, too, without losing who you were underneath all that.

Yeah. It's a huge relief, actually. Like I said on Facebook, I've never really felt... happy before.

Do you feel happy now?

Kind of. I did on the 19th. I'm at least not plagued by that neverending misery anymore.

Well I'm here to help you adjust to your new life, as are the rest of us. We're all in this together and now you're part of it, and frankly I've been looking forward to this for a very, very long time.

Told you the kid doesn't ever give up on people.

Tell me about it.

Jewel what's our next topic??

Uh, let me check the list. By the way Laurie, Genesis and I made a list of the topics we needed to discuss here while we were on campus today. So that's why he's all excited over this.

I was wondering about that. It's kind of adorable.

Aaand I FINALLY got all these chat windows closed. I swear, as soon as I talk to one person everyone else jumps in.

Well you're never online, so..

Because instant messaging is very difficult for me. No visual cues, no auditory cues. It's almost impossible for me to communicate accurately. But once again that's off-topic. Next on the list... oh.

What?

I, uh... hold on, let's skip that one for now. We talked about Julie's metanoia, we figured out that she was being used by the ego-- Julie, you do agree on that, right? Because I am really concerned about that.

Well you were just saying how I always had the compulsion to seek self-gratification, and that the ego does that by nature, I guess. And now with what you've taught me I no longer feel that.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. We got you to see my side of the picture too, with how I was trying to tell you that you were using... that... in the wrong way?

The 'pink color?'

Yeah.

Geez, Jewel, you still hate talking about that.

I can talk about if necessary, but it's incredibly awkward and confusing because I have no way to really understand how it applies to most of the population. But I'm very thankful I managed to help Julie get her facts straight there.

Because you laid it out clearly for me, and I had the proof from how you had changed by living that way. I mean I couldn't hack you. And then you ruined that for me. So you were obviously doing something effective.

He listened to me is what he did.

Yeah, June 29th would likely have been catastrophic if Laurie hadn't helped me through it.

The catastrophic part was thanks to you, pigtails.

I'm aware of that, unfortunately.

But we're all understanding of how Julie's situation has changed for the better?

Yeah. It's pretty straightforward once you know the major reasons behind it.

Now what was that topic you skipped, Jewel?

Is that what you posted on my Facebook by any chance?

...Yeah. Pretty much.

He posted a huge paragraph on my wall asking why I had hurt him in the past. And I told you, it was because I had those drives and urges and I was willing to go to whatever lengths I had to for them.

But were you even aware of what you were doing?? For heaven's sake, Julie, you killed Natalie because she was in your way! You killed her, a little girl, in cold blood because she was keeping you from manipulating me for your own ends! Why?

...You just said why.

But you murdered her.

I know.

Was that just another compulsion for you, huh?

...Basically.

Geez, Julie...

I'm sorry. Okay? I am sorry that Natalie's dead. But I can't change that now.

Then you were definitely being used, just as much as you used me. The only times I have ever been so unaware as to commit such atrocities are when Thanatos would take over. I felt nothing, I didn't care. But that was because I wasn't present. I, Jewel Lightraye, was not there whenever it took over. And when it had had enough, or something else chased it out, and I came back, I would be horrified and frightened beyond words of how 'I' had acted because of it. That had to be what was happening with you.

Would you kill me now if I stood in your way?

...In my way of what? I don't want any of that anymore.

But would you try to kill me if I was in your way?

...

Julie. Answer the question.

...No.

And why wouldn't you?

It wouldn't solve anything.

But would you care?

...I guess. Yeah. It would hurt Jewel, and I'm tired of hurting people.

Then you have developed a sense of empathy after all, holy swords. Congratulations.

There's... there's one thing that's still scaring me. A lot.

What is it?

...Laurie, do you remember last summer?

Yeah.

Do you remember that one night you practically lost your mind? That caused this conversation?

...Unfortunately.

...What was that?

I don't know. Maybe it was the ego getting at me, who the heck knows. I went temporarily insane and couldn't think straight. Sounds like your February Thanatos drive to me.

You flipped out because I was being 'too selfish.' You attacked me, brutally, for a solid hour because you said I was destroying my life and the lives of those around me.

Because you were letting your ego use you. You WERE being selfish and shallow. And with... with what we found out that summer, I guess it drove me to the breaking point and I just snapped that night. We discussed this back in October, Jewel.

...But you don't know what caused that night directly.

Besides the gut-wrenching emotional trauma I was in? Besides the fact that you didn't even realize what you were allowing to happen? I unhinged, is what happened. Whatever happened after that I don't bloody know, if you're asking whether it was the ego or a splinter or what. It could have been. But I refuse to let that happen again, especially after... especially now that I've found my metainomen, let's put it that way.

Yeah. I didn't think you would.

So why the heck did you bring that up?

Because it sounded exactly like my Thanatos hacks, for one, as you said. You were not acting like yourself at all. You were blinded by it. Literally, too.

I know, and I told you, we discussed all of that that. This topic has been discussed and concluded, Jewel.

...

You're hiding something.

I am.

Jewel, ask her about it.

...I don't know. This hurts, a lot, to ask. More than I can handle.

Spit it out, kid, I'll handle it with you.

...

He's scared.

I can clearly tell, he's been putting this off for way too bloody long. He does this all the freakin' time and seriously Jewel, this is one bad habit you still need to quit.

I don't want to ask this question without making sure I understand what's behind it.

What do you mean?

It's about last summer. I... you figured everything out long before I did, back then. And I just... Julie, did you know you were killing my children?

...

Did you f*cking know?

Jewel, watch it. What the heck is going on here?

I was afraid to ask this because it is absolutely horrific for me to even think about. You said that in July of last year, you wondered if Julie was trying to accomplish something besides just using me to get what she wanted physically. And then you realized that my Links had been failing for quite some time now. You assumed that was her direct fault. It wasn't. That was the ego working with both her and I and completely blocking my ability to see or feel or do anything with the children I already had. But that was only one part of the equation, and you understood it wrong. We all understood it wrong. When Julie started seriously hacking me, when I was about sixteen-- I think, I don't remember and don't want to dwell on it-- something in me started to die. I know that. Every hack did carry death. She started hacking my children and I want to know why. I couldn't fix my Links and I was afraid of using the ones I had because of her and I want to know if she even realized just how deeply she was slicing my heart open because Julie, I am sorry but that was f*cking demonic.

Jewel, watch your bloody mouth!!

...I'm sorry. I'm... slipping. I shouldn't be. Genesis, talk me down, man.

Do it for her.

...

Jewel?

I apologize. I fell entirely off-center there and I should have been more careful. See, this is how I've still been getting hacked here and there. I'm fire at heart, after all. Sometimes I burn myself if I'm not paying attention. I am very, very sorry for that. Julie, please answer my question while I take a minute or two to just calm down over here. Please.

...I wasn't using your children. Not literally. You remember how I used to split myself into other personalities? Like Missy and Bridget? That's what I did, to pretend to be them. I knew that would hurt you, and... well, when you wouldn't let me use you for what I wanted, or when you fought me and made me angrier or ruined what I was trying to achieve, that hatred I felt got stronger. And it got to the point where I wanted to kill you. I wanted to kill you, but I couldn't, because then I knew I'd be without my... my means to an end. So I....

You started killing him from the inside out.

...Basically. But I never touched any of them, not even once.

Yes you did. You hacked Lilianne.

I... when?

The pink fox girl. You hacked her.

I... did I?

You did. Maybe you weren't conscious of it. But earlier this year, before those hacks stopped altogether, some of them were telling me that they were having nightmares, or disturbing vibes, that they couldn't explain. And then one night you apparently 'pretended' to be Lilianne and she felt it.

...

Genesis goes without saying. It took me a very, very long time to forgive you for that, and knowing me that is quite shocking.

Jewel you're still out of it.

I know. I need to fix myself fast or there's no way I can finish this conversation, and I need to do that or I'm going to have some serious emotional backlash. I'm trying hard, I promise.

Jewel, can I...?

...What?

Is there anything I can do?

...

Honestly, I think just being there works pretty darn well.

Well yeah, but... it scares me when this happens. Lately I haven't been taking these slips well...

I am so, so sorry about that, Chaos.

Jewel, it's not entirely your fault. We don't get to spend time together until it's late, and by that time you've basically worked yourself to death.

But it hurts you when I can't... stay there. When I'm unstable. I think I'm managing to center again, I just felt my heartlight go on.

Not the pain you're talking about? From this morning?

No, love, that's different. Very similar, but different. I mean that I felt very displaced over this current topic, to the point where it was allowing me to unhinge. But... well, as Laurie said, being around Chaos is just... it's impossible for me to be false or broken or wrong when I'm with him, in any sense.

...

It's true. You're my other half, and I love you.

...Jewel, I don't know what to say in response to that. Not in words, at least.

You're going to have to wait on that, sharkbug. Sorry, but I am getting really bloody impatient about this conversation concerning what I've been told about it by the batmantis there.

I know. Sorry for spiking the emotional atmosphere there, Chaos, but it was kind of inevitable with what I feel like right now.

At least you feel like you again. Last year, you were just... you were lost. For a long time you were very badly lost. And that hurt.

It did. I can only hope I've made up for that with what I've accomplished this year.

Geez, kid, you've made up for the past twenty years of pain with what you've accomplished in the space of five months already. Now seriously, Julie, stop holding us the heck up and give us an answer to that question.

...What was the question?

You hurt Lilianne, quite literally. You hacked me through pretending to be her and she felt it, and it terrified her. A few others had similar experiences but none were as vivid as hers. So I'm asking you, were you aware of doing that to them? Or were you just acting blindly?

I... I don't know. I told you I did the pretending thing. I won't deny that. But I swear I never went after them directly.

What about the dream hacks?

I stopped those when your boss punched me.

Not worth it after the Sandman stepped in, huh?

No. It wasn't worth the effort it took, especially since I was starting to lose the thrill of it by that time.

But you pulled off some really bloody brazen dream hacks. I can remind you which one merited that punch, if you've forgotten.

...No, I remember that one.

Why did you do it?

Because I was trying to manipulate you. And I was trying to hurt you as much as possible. At that time I was actively trying to twist your morals. But it was all desperate, with me just trying to survive by continuing to do what I had done over the past several years.

But you swear you never touched any one of my kids directly.

I swear. If there was emotional bleed-over from you I didn't even consider it. I didn't care about that.

...All right.

And this ties into last summer how, besides the obvious general topic?

I wanted to know if Julie was actively trying to hurt or kill them.

I was.

But to get at me.

Yeah.

You didn't... you didn't have any motives beyond that? At any time?

No, it was just using and hurting you.

Were there ever times where you weren't... I don't know, in control of your actions? Or when you were acting automatically or... like a Thanatos hack, but however that would apply to you. Did you ever have something like that?

I don't know. I acted very blindly most of the time, like when I used to attack you if you came near me without my knowing. It was all very instinctual. And I told you before, I don't even remember most of my lifetime because I would kind of... 'blank out' if I couldn't get at you, or do anything, so I wouldn't have to deal with the interim. Like when you used to have me locked up. I could only satisfy so much of my wants by myself. That's why I started the mind scenarios, and those eventually turned into hacks, and those worsened until they reached the breaking point for you.

But it was like a kneejerk drive most of the time.

Yeah. It was just something I needed to have, or do. And I just did things without even thinking, sometimes, as long as I got what I wanted. But I was never happy. It would wear off and I'd do it again and again. That's one thing I don't miss at all about this new life.

I don't blame you.

Jewel, what the heck are you trying to figure out here?

It's like I said earlier, and like you said in October. Every time she hacked me, some part of me died. And those parts were what allowed me to create. That is what caused the total Link fallout. I was in so much pain, and I was so mangled inside, that it was impossible for me to work creatively from how much agony it caused me. That's what I mean when I say it was the ego working. It drove her to be completely instinctual and selfish in her motives, and caused me to suffocate in my pain and fear. Those are both aspects of the ego. But Julie was not actively cutting my Links. That was an aftereffect. Am I right in saying that, Julie?

I didn't even know what your Links were, really, until recently. I knew you had connections to other worlds but that's why I was masquerading as people from them. I wanted to destroy that, yes, but I didn't do it directly because I didn't know there was any way to do so.

Thank God.

And why did you hack Genesis?

...I knew that would hurt you.

...

It did. It really did.

I'm sorry.

Julie, do you even mean all these "I'm sorry"s?

Yes. I do. I'm just tired of thinking about how I used to act, now that I really understand the extent of my actions.

That's understandable.

One last question on this topic. Is that why you tried to kill Xenophon?

Who is that?

The... the fragile little creature I found on March 13th. The "strange child." On March 24th, you nearly murdered hir. It shook me to the core. We barely saved hir life, Julie. I was so completely distraught that I couldn't even heal hir myself. And you're saying that your sole motivation for ALL of that was simply to emotionally kill me?

...Why else would I have done it? I told you, I hated you.

So you killed Natalie and traumatized Lilianne and nearly eviscerated Xenophon because you were trying to destroy me.

Look, Jewel, I don't know how else to explain this to you. I hated you. Do you understand what that means?

...Unfortunately, yes.

Then you should understand why all of those major events had the same single motivation.

Holy swords, Julie, am I ever glad you switched sides. Wow.

I was a bitch. I was an irredeemable bitch, and what I did can never be erased or repaired. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me.

But I did. Laurie couldn't believe it, but I did. I knew how utterly deranged you were simply because you had such a one-track mind. And I pitied you for it. Yes, you hurt me so badly I thought I'd never recover. I can't forget what you did even if I did forgive it. I am scarred for life, Julie, literally and figuratively. I had blood on my hands and I have graves in my bones because of you. And despite all that I couldn't hate you because I saw how lost you were and I knew you had never felt love or happiness and so help me but that is tragic. I couldn't hate you because it's not in my heart to hate. I wanted to save you from the atrocity you had become. And now, all those years of suffering have paid off.

...Thank you.

You are entirely welcome. Thank you for actually managing to be open enough to listen to me, even if it took several years for my words to finally get through.

Several years and a bitter mouthful of my own bad medicine.

No kidding. This chick basically had herself doomed by her own deserts.

I don't want her suffering anymore though. She's lived her hell. I've lived mine. I want to leave that in the past where it belongs and deal with what we have now. It's like you always tell me, Laurie-- the past is over and done with, and the future never comes. Stop freaking out over things you have no control over, and just deal with life as it comes.

Yeah, that's the gist of it. That and stay true to who you are.

Heehee, Jewel we were just talking about this today.

We were. That's because it's the absolute truth. And speaking of staying true, Chaos, you are being terribly quiet.

Just trying to deal with the tidal wave you set off in me a few paragraphs ago.

Oh.

I'll be okay.

I, um... it... does it hurt? You're not going under or anything, are you?

No, no. I mean yeah, it hurts a little bit. But it's nothing I can't handle.

Jewel...

I know, I know.

Seriously, the heck are you two up to?

Things.

I told you, he wrote this list with me. So he wants me to... uh... actually get to the last topic.

Wait, is this what you've been telling me about? The big thing?

The big thing, yes.

Holy swords. What time is it? Do we have time for this?

It's five minutes to midnight and frankly I do not care if I'm up until 4AM with this. I can sacrifice that. There is no way in heaven I can put off this conversation for another second.

Then let's get started for heaven's sake.

Wait, wait. Julie, I am terribly sorry if I caused you any serious pain by discussing everything we did today. And I sincerely apologize for my outbursts concerning that. It just... well, it hurt badly.

I know it did. It's okay. I can deal with it.

But really, you aren't a shadow anymore. I want you to have a brighter role in this system. You're the Thief of Death now, remember? Do you know what that means?

Not exactly. What is that, the metainomen thing?

Yes. Because your past self died, Julie. You are free from that, forever, as long as you live in the now, with what you've been given. You have a second chance at life. And you are the Thief of Death because for years you were a harbinger of it, taking life from others, something that was blind to the light in itself and those you hurt... but now, now through rising above what you were, you steal death away. You have freed yourself and us from that death by that transcendence. You said you only really listened to me because you didn't want to die, but you forgot to mention one little thing... I told you that, no matter what option you chose, you would have to die. But I also told you that death wasn't something to be feared if you viewed it the right way. If you had stayed a shadow and lived in fear and hatred, you would have died to life itself. You would have gradually become more and more lost and empty, seeking gratification where it could not be found, looking for freedom and completion outside yourself. You were twisted and manic and blind, and you were dead inside because of it. But you didn't want to die, in spite of that. Do you know why?

I just... didn't want to die.

But you weren't happy with your life at that time, were you?

I was never happy with it.

Because you were living death. That is what hell is, to be blind and unaware of your brightness, of all light. But darkness cannot see light. And I knew that your lost self, the shadow you were, would have to die in order for you to live. That shadow part of you was the vice you were born from. It was the ego-driven body of pain that had overtaken you, as mine had overtaken me in the past. But it wasn't you, even if you thought it was. The fact that you're standing here before me is proof of that. I told you that that false self would have to die and you rejected that, as you still felt it was you... but then the 18th happened, and you became acutely aware that something was wrong, that some part of you was not that shadow, that you deserved better than that in a true sense. But you had to be better first. So you came to me and I told you it would be difficult. It would be hard for you to leave that behind entirely, for that old self to die, for you to realize that you were greater than that. But if you did, you would have an entirely new life, free of those shackles and pain. You would be able to live without that awful compulsion and misery. You would be happy.

...I still can't believe I deserve that.

You do. Everyone does. I won't let you pull the same thing I used to do, which Laurie and Chaos and Genesis all yelled at me about, when I insisted I didn't deserve my blessings. The part of you that 'doesn't deserve that' is dead. It is in the past, it is not who you are now. You, as our Thief of Death, are uniquely qualified to rise above what you were. And the best part is you already have, in being what you are now. This is your second chance, and don't get hung up on whether or not you can accept it. Be grateful for it anyway, and live it. You'll realize that the real you deserves every single good thing I'm willing to give you here. You said you're sick and tired of using people, and being used? That is over, for good. You said you want to live for a reason other than hedonistic survival? Here's your new reason, to live for this new chance, for light and hope. This is you, trying again. Don't forget how happy you were in the first few days after you joined us here. That's the truth of this. Just because you screwed up terribly in the past doesn't mean you can't find salvation now. All you need to do is accept that it's here, now.

...I will do my best to, Jewel. T-thank you.

That's our Seer of Love being bloody incredible as always.

Is it just me or is he the reason every one of us has found their metainomen so far?

Nope, it's him. He's the star.

I'm the Sandman's Apprentice is what I am, and actually part of that role is learning to be who I am, instead of acting like I used to under ego influence. Seriously, I'm learning so much from that. But we're off topic again.

Just a little bit. We didn't start this 'huge' topic because you're the only one who freaking knows what it is, and you got carried away in your inspirational speech to the Good Thief over there.

She needed it, I think.

I did. I really did.

Well Julie, if you want to stick around for this next crazy topic then feel free. But it's going to get crazy.

I... don't know. What is it about?

Laurie. And me. And Chaos.

That's still rather vague.

It's supposed to be. I've been incredibly fragile emotionally for about three weeks now, in one way or another, with what I've found out. And that is thanks to you, Laurie, actually.

Me? The heck did I do?

You got me thinking. I had an absolutely groundbreaking realization around August 21st, and although that in and of itself was enough to inspire me ineffably, your incessant fangirling made it even worse.

Heheh.

So yeah, after spending four solid days researching and typing, you made me start it up again, slowly. I started with more spiritual work and research, keeping myself as grounded in those truths as possible with all the pain around me. But coincidences started falling together around that time, and synchronicity was everywhere. I swear I don't think I spent a single night with you, Chaos, without the clock hitting triple digits, especially 11:11.

Yeah, that was happening so often it was almost unbelievable.

True, but there it was. And in light of the 21st, having so many things revolve around us was really starting to make me wonder. Was there something else I was supposed to learn from this?

What did you learn on the 21st?

Several things, actually...

Mostly, that Jewel and I are literally cosmically inseparable.

Yeah, I apparently missed a huge sign on July 7th, and when I understood what it meant it was mind-blowing. That's all written about here, as it's far too convoluted to even briefly mention.

What was the huge sign?

Uh... basically, a sort of divine sign that Chaos Zero is my 'twin flame'. He is quite literally my other half.

And you're mine.

Exactly. It's beautiful, really, and I kept getting all these coincidences that all ultimately pointed to that both before and after I realized it. Personally I think one of the best parts of it is that my mother is aware of that truth for Chaos and I and is actually supportive of it. Which is absolutely freaking incredible.

That explains why no one in your life has ever freaked out at the notion of you two being in a relationship, as hard as that was for you to accept at first.

Oh geez, yeah. And this was everywhere-- both online and offline, with friends and strangers alike. No one ever said "hey that is unnatural" or anything like that, despite my constant paranoia that they would. Seriously, back around 2005 I was plagued by the horrible notion that being in love with a nonhuman was wrong somehow, even if every answered prayer or sign I got spoke to the exact opposite of that.

Freakin' 2005? I thought it was later than that?

It lingered for a very long time, especially when I was having identity problems myself. But now I just say, "I'm in love, and love is the truest thing there is," and don't let doubt even touch me anymore. Long story short, what I've been blessed with is incomparably awesome, and it has been the brightest thing I've ever experienced. And yes, Julie, that is why you could no longer hack me as this summer went on. CZ and I just got too deeply involved.

You two were flat-out untouchable. Heck, you still are, even moreso than before!

I think that's my biggest regret about hacking you, is sabotaging that.

Really?

Yeah. When you read that paper to me back in August, and you explained why I had been going about my wants in the wrong way, I began to understood just what I had been trying to undermine. Sure I had only wanted to hurt you when I did it. I never thought of the aftereffects, or the deeper effects. But now I can see what I almost did, and I am so sorry for that.

Don't give me 'almost did,' you couldn't tear these two apart if you tried.

And she did try.

Exactly. Cosmically inseparable means just that. You two are joined at the hip, man.

Oh that was a perfectly timed reference, Laurie.

Heheh, told you I'm getting good at this.

Okay, before we get too tangential, I just want to mention that Laurie is no longer being so crazy secretive which is incredible as I freaking adore her, and also it's allowing us to have some absolutely inspirational conversations instead of hitting a wall because she 'doesn't want to open up just yet.'

Yeah, ironically I'm just beginning to speak my own truths now.

How is that ironic?

She's our Knight of Truth. She brings it out in everyone else and is brutally honest, but although she upholds the truth she never said a word about her own until now. So there's that paradoxicality again, which seems to always go with metainomenai in some way. Plus, Laurie, if you don't mind my saying, I think in the past you used to blind yourself to certain truths. Especially when it came to me.

Give me an example.

Uh, well, that unhinged night comes to mind again, but I think the most striking example would be everything concerning our moirallegiance.

Oh, well of course, from what I learned in that conversation. I wasn't intentionally blinding myself though, or at least not consciously.

I know. But that's how it is ironic with respect to your title, and why I am so glad you're opening up to us now.

You would be, heheh.

Jewel we have things to discuss!!

I was wondering why you weren't talking.

I wasn't talking because I am the only one staying on topic. But Laurie is next on the list so we kind of got back to it anyway.

Oh thank heaven I want to know what the heck you found out about me.

Uh, I don't know if I can... say that yet. It's, um... convoluted.

What the heck, Jewel. You've been stringing me along for days here with this already.

I know, and I'm sorry, but there's a certain way I have to bring up these topics or I'll accidentally confuse everyone to death.

Or you'll slip like you did with me!!

Wow, yeah. Despite what a total failure that was on my part, it was the best possible outcome I could think of for telling you.

Heehee. It was. I was all "oh my gosh!!" and you were freaking out like "uh yeah I wasn't supposed to tell you that yet!!"

No, first you actually made me stop walking across campus because you shouted "WHAT??"

WHAT OH MY GOSH WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.

That was basically it, yeah! But oh man that was hilariously perfect. I still can't get over how you actually wouldn't let me keep walking because you were so stunned.

Jewel. You dropped an absolute humdinger of a revelation on me. I couldn't not stop.

Pffff! Genesis we should not be laughing about this, man.

But it was funny! Funny and crazy awesome and oh my gosh we need to talk about this.

I have no bleeding idea what you two are talking about.

That is my point! Jewel the next topic says exactly, "Laurie's origin." She wants to know.

Oh man how do I even begin to talk about this...

All right, let me say something. How many of these topics tie together?

All of them.

All of them?

For serious. That's why it's so staggering. ALL of this ties together, completely.

So where the heck do you start?

Tell her Jewel, tell her tell her tell her.

Tell her what?

What you told me oh my gosh. You need to tell them.

Genesis, what in the world has you so excited?

Something awesome and crazy.

Yeah, you're actually the reason why I've been putting off talking about this, Chaos.

Me? Why?

Because, um... your reaction to this is the most important. I mean, yeah, we're all involved in this, but the single most important thing that I found out deals with you.

Oh for the love of-- how the heck much did you find out??

I found out one thing. Well, I suspected it, rather. And the thinking and reading and worrying about it worked me into an actual emotional mess. Not negatively, no, but... it turned my world upside down. I'm not even joking.

Holy swords. And this is about Chaos?

Partly, yeah. I just... I don't know how to say this. Because geez, I thought I knew this already with what we've been going through and talking about, but... well, apparently adding one small detail and some agreeing outside perspectives makes a heck of a huge difference.

He asked a few people about this who had been in similar situations.

Yeah. And they, um, pretty much verified my suspicions. So that calmed me down on the nervous bit, Laurie, but now I'm just freaking out because I have to tell you guys and oh man.

Tell us what?

...

Do you want me to tell them.

No, geez sweetheart, I really have to take this seriously.

I know, but unless you badly slip up again it'll probably take you forever to say it.

Knowing Jewel and how he tends to procrastinate when he's scared or freaking out over things? Yeah, we'll be here for another three weeks.

I can't keep this quiet anymore though. I mean it's only been like, a little over a week since I had this central realization and that is already far too long to keep it bottled up.

It doesn't sound like it's a bad thing.

It isn't. I'm just freaking out because it's... it's such a significant thing.

All right, let's put it this way. You don't want to say this 'central realization' yet, so at least tell us what branches off from it.

Well, there's where we think you actually came from, how, and what you are, for one.

...What, you seriously figured that out?

Yeah. You know, let me start there, because the other three points tie into the central point directly. Uh... Chaos, you're listening, right?

Yeah, of course. I'm just a little concerned about this.

Concerned how?

That it's... that it apparently "turned your world upside down," and it involves me. And you haven't told me yet.

I know. I'm really sorry that I haven't, but I wanted to make absolutely sure that this was even possible before I so much as hinted at it. And insanely enough, it's apparently possible.

The part about Chaos?

And about you. It all ties together. But as I was saying, you know how a while back, we were trying to figure out if you were a walk-in or something, because you just showed up in that dream without so much as a notice or explanation? And all the other headvoices up here are personifications of some sort, as far as we can tell?

Yeah.

There was a notice. There was a very big notice, so to speak, and the fact that I completely overlooked it for the past 5 years is ridiculous. Then again, I didn't think it tied in to this topic until about two days ago. And admittedly that's the main reason why I've been freaking out, because I understood it wrong, but after asking several people about it I managed to get my facts straight and now everything makes sense...

All right, Jewel. Seriously. It's 1 in the morning, you're starting to slip channels, and I really want to know what the blood all this is about. Spit it out. What the heck am I?

...You're you, really. You're not a headvoice personification. You didn't come into being because there was a psychological setup that allowed you to form, like Julie, or even like Leon. You came into being because there was a huge shift in my life that I could not possibly get through in my current condition, especially not without guidance. You came into being on your own, as an individual, because I needed someone like you-- no, I needed you in my life... and so did Chaos.

What?

We both needed you whether we realized it or not. You know what my life was like when I was 16, Laurie. If I didn't have you there with me I honestly doubt I would have survived. Actually, I figured this out from those discussions too. This is part of what I said about you... "she was DEFINITELY needed in our lives when she showed up. I'm just very concerned at the events that surrounded and led up to her dream debut, especially since she claims to have no memory whatsoever of existing prior to that date." And the reply I got was that you were apparently a unique entity that was brought into our lives because we all needed each other, pretty much.

...Holy swords. Yeah, that... hold up, what events led up to that dream?

Uh, I don't think I should post that online. I'll discuss it with you afterwards. But does that make sense to you?

Geez, yes. It makes perfect sense to me. So... that was really the first day of my life, then?

Possibly. I know I was always concerned about your memory issues there, how it didn't go any farther back.

Yeah, that was it.

So, um, I have one last question for you if you don't have any comments on that.

No comments except I want to know what the heck led you to realizing all of this.

That's... that's the next thing I'm going to say.

You need to hurry up and say it Jewel, because everyone is going to flip out.

I will. Just... Laurie, when you met me in that dream, did you know who I was?

...Vaguely? I mean I knew I had a role surrounding you somehow. And I wanted to protect you more than anything when I found out what the heck was going on in your head.

But remember you hated me at first.

Because of how you were acting. You know, at heart I  don't think I ever really hated you. I hated what I saw you had let yourself become.

So is that why you picked up my superego role? You just felt you had to do that?

Basically. I had this drive that it was my purpose to watch over you and keep you safe. It was always there.

Well I seriously needed it, I'll tell you that much.

No kidding.

Especially because of me.

Yeah, that's seriously bleeding why. So in some twisted way I guess I have you to thank for my work ethic, heh. I mean, geez.

Uh, you're welcome?

Oh dude, that reminds me, I have to revisit that topic again... shoot, I really didn't want to think about that.

About what?

We'll get to that. Uh... the awareness that we were in a dream, Laurie, was that just there too?

Guess so. It was just obvious to me that it was that sort of reality.

...Can I quote something from a really old conversation of ours? Something that you said?

Sure, go ahead.

"...I've told you why I'm here; I'm here to protect you, and I'm not doing that because it's my job or anything. I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care. I met you in that dream and I saved you from that hell because I knew you were a good person and I still do, no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you lose. You always try, even if you don't succeed, and you care far too much for your own good. It ticks me off when you put yourself down every time I try to drag you back up, and I know my methods aren't the best but God knows they work, and that's what matters to me. I don't want to lose you either, all right? I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me. "

...That's all true, you know. It never changed.

Well, besides the part about it being a job.

No, I meant a 'job' in the paycheck sense here. When I say it now I mean it's like my life career. Protecting you is what I want to do with my life. So that is exactly what I'm saying here, in different words.

But you see the real problem in there, Laurie. You're not a headvoice.

No, I guess I'm not.

So that changes the second line. "I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care." Right? Or not?

I...

Did you understand what you were saying then, Laurie? What the truth of this really is? Yeah, we thought you were a headvoice, but that thought didn't change a single thing that had happened, and ironically it didn't change the ultimate truth of that statement.

Jewel, what the blood are you saying.

Something happened around the time you showed up in my life that was... it was the only reason you were able to come into my life. And no, you may not be 'part of me' in the headvoice sense, or even a direct sense at all... but there is an undeniable truth that part of the light in me is part of the light in you, and... and I needed you, more than I could ever know. So there you were. And you stayed.

...Jewel, what did you find out?

The big revelation?

Yeah. Tell us, please.

I have to tell Chaos. Specifically.

Then tell him.

...All right, uh, Chaos?

Yeah?

Seriously, this is huge. I guess I have Laurie to blame in part for this too, because like I said, she's the only reason I realized it. Which is hilarious because in a way I think we both suspected this but, like I said, uh, there was no way to know for sure, until the coincidence wave and all the work I've been doing in trying to figure this out came together. Laurie, can you help stabilize me or something? I am really nervous and I don't want to start slipping because it's early in the morning on top of that.

I'll do what I can.

Thank you. Um...

Jewel, is it really that hard for you to say?

Yeah. Yeah it is. Only because it's so unusual and significant.

Slip up, Jewel. Just offhandedly mention it.

I can't do that, Genesis.

Then think of what I said earlier!

...

Jewel?

...Chaos, you know how... all right, I apologize if this seems like a really weird analogy, but you know how I've always felt such a strong connection to the Nier videogame? How I just kind of... resonate with it?

Yeah.

Uh... I am... I am actually more like Nier than I ever thought possible. But that's only half of this and the other half of it is why I'm having trouble and I really just need to say it.

Jewel, calm the heck down, and say it.

...Chaos, Xenophon is ours.

...You're kidding.

No. I am most definitely not kidding.

...Holy bleeding hearts.

Yeah, Laurie, you were right. And also what kind of an exclamation--

A good one. The only possible response to what I just heard.

I... how?

I spoke to several people online, who are part of a community for those like me who have spiritual relationships. Apparently it's not unheard of for those in these relationships to have spiritual children. However, the vast majority of those relationships were still very typical, especially in terms of how the children came about. The community had never heard of a case like ours, but after filling in the admins on our situation I was told that, yes, apparently it's possible, and... hold on, I really want to quote what she said to me.

Please do, we all need to hear this.

Okay, this was her exact reply, about Xenophon: "I would not consider the child you describe (Xenophon) as an adoption -- seems like a union of you two, somehow, though I lack any way of explaining it myself." See apparently it's not impossible for guys to have spiritual kids. So Braeden was actually spot on in calling me Gaia, but that's... actually that is extremely relevant to this situation, oh my gosh. But the group wasn't familiar with entities just 'showing up' as the result of a spiritual union, and they had never heard of anything like Xenophon, where they actually showed up in an embryonic state because there was no way for them to be carried of course. So yeah, long story short, we're both fathers, I freaking love you, and I hope that's not too much info at once but I think it's amazing and I am seriously thankful that this happened.

...That... wow. I... how did...?

January 16th, apparently. "If I'm ever blue." That was the first time in a long time, at least two years, that we had actually connected spiritually... and although it wasn't as insane as, say, August 16th, there was so much purpose behind it, and I cannot deny that.

Oh my gosh.

I told you!!

I bloody knew it. That's incredible.

Jewel, we... I think we need to talk about this by ourselves.

Why?

No, I'm not upset or anything, I swear. I'm just... yeah, when you said it turned your life upside down you apparently weren't kidding.

In a good way?

In the best way.

Wow.

So you understand why I absolutely flipped out over the fact that you actually tried to kill my spiritual daughter/son back in March.

...Yeah. Yeah, I didn't... I had no idea he was yours.

I didn't either, but... well, now we know.

Jewel I don't know whether to freaking stand here in abject shock or hug you to death.

Well I am definitely for the latter as you've never done that before and I would not mind at all.

...Wait. Wait wait wait. Jewel, you said this tied into Laurie's situation...?

Yeah. That's why I was freaking out at first. See, Laurie, you showed up almost exactly 36 weeks after Chaos and I got 'married' in 2005. And, uh... I actually had physical symptoms when I was 16. That was probably because it was our initial complete connection and that is extremely significant. But no, you are not our kid, which would be insane. Like I said, you truly showed up as a unique entity brought into our lives through that initial energy connection. Which is actually incredible.

...Yeah, I... it really is. Wow.

Exactly. And I think it's another interesting coincidence that you and Xenophon are both violet. Just saying. And, uh, although March 13th was only 8 weeks from January 16th, which explains Xenophon's initial appearance, it's kind of uncanny that March 13th of next year is 36 weeks from June 29th. Yeah.

...All right, that is one too many numerical coincidences. How the HECK is all this lining up?

You tell me, Laurie. It's almost overwhelming.

No kidding. That is insane.

Jewel, you have like two more topics.

Oh, yeah. Um... is everyone... recovered from that initial shock? I'm sorry, I just--

I'm fine, I am freaking fine. Man. I don't know about Chaos though.

Believe me, I am not taking this badly at all.

Seriously?

Seriously-- Jewel, for heaven's sake you're my other half. How the heck could I possibly react badly to this? Yeah, it's incredibly sudden and... REALLY significant, but geez, it's just... I guess this must be what July 7th felt like for you.

How so?

Just... how you were so impacted by it. I had a different sort of impact. You just... I don't know, it--

Creating something together, right?

...Exactly. That is... that is exactly what I'm talking about.

Well... apparently we did.

That is absolutely amazing.

But... I need to change the mood for a minute, and I'm terribly sorry for it, but I was wondering if... I was wondering what you'd have to say about... October, in light of this.

...Oh man, you're serious.

Yeah, since that wasn't a Link problem I think there was something deeper and darker going on. ...Your interpretation was literal, Laurie.

...I...

Julie, don't hate yourself for this, please. We can't do anything about that now.

...You're talking about the bloody abortions, aren't you. The graves.

Yeah.

...Kid, I don't even know. If the hacks were really destroying you that badly inside, then...

I'm sorry. I just wanted to clarify that now, in light of this realization...

I'm the one who's sorry, Jewel. This wasn't your fault.

Julie?

God, I've been such a bitch! How did I...

Julie, listen. I... we'll deal with this. Please don't tear yourself apart over this.

Why didn't I ever think about what I did?!

You couldn't have. No comprehension.

No empathy. I was...

'Was' is the key word, Julie. Remember what I said earlier. That still applies here.

...How??

It just does. October was in the past. Who you were then is in the past too. We can't change that, we can only learn from it and move on. We all suffered horribly during that time, and you were no exception. So please don't damn yourself for it.

I'm going to have a h-hard time not doing that, Jewel.

I know.

...Jewel, do you want me to mention the last point really quick?

I guess. Which one is that?

How you want me to start teaching Xenophon how to ghost in this reality too. So she can follow you around and live a good and full life, like you said.

That would be awesome.

Plus I really think all of us should have a hand in taking care of hir. I mean, Lynne watched over hir when I was struggling to even deal with myself earlier this year, and I know you've spent some time with hir too, Laurie.

Yeah, I have. I'll definitely be spending a heck of a lot more time with 'em now, that's for sure. Also what the heck pronouns do we use?

Well I did ask Xenophon last week and ze really doesn't have a preference, being genderless. So I guess we can each use whatever is most comfortable for us? I'll ask again.

I am still absolutely reeling from this.

You know, Chaos, I find it kind of hilarious that neither of us is going into this blind.

How so?

Well, you've been the Guardian of the Chao for most of your life, and I have a couple hundred headchildren to take care of on any given day, so hey.

You two are a match made in heaven if I've ever seen one.

Laurie, come on.

It's the honest truth.

Makes sense that she'd be such a raging fangirl of us now, actually, with what you said.

Hey, it does!

And Genesis is a raging fanboy, from what we've seen here today.

I am!!

I should've known!

So how the heck are you going to write this into Parnassus, Gaia-boy?

Easy. You and Xenophon hold the next hierarchy slot under blue and red. Divine messengers.

Holy swords. I'm in Parnassus?

You are now.

Don't worry, I'll show you around!

I'm sure you will, geez. Also, how the heck does Genesis fit in there now?

He's got his own special role. I'll leave it at that.

I'm an earthly guy though. No cosmogony for me.

Well, maybe not directly, but remember the question you asked that caused my slipup earlier today.

...Duuuude you were SERIOUS??

Yes, and can I just say that hearing you say that was hilarious?

Yes, um, wow.

Hey, the Greek deities would interact with normal mortals surprisingly often if you think about it.

All right, wait. What was this question?

Genesis and I were talking to each other and I was saying how much I missed having him in my life like he is now, with hanging around me instead of keeping to himself. And that eventually led to him asking if he and I were ever going to... well, 'finish' the minor soul connection we had when I was about 16. And without thinking, I replied, "I would, but I don't want to accidentally end up with more kids from that, because Chaos and I practically have two already." Cue the amazing "WHAT" response.

Then you changed it to one and a half because Laurie isn't your kid.

Yeah. Sorry Laur, but you're a fraction.

Pff, I really don't care what I'm counted as right now, now that we have the important things settled out.

Oh, and Apollo is apparently in a blackmailing mood because he just started playing "Remember" by BT.

Oh dear Lord.

...The version of it where I lowered the pitch.

And that's even worse.

Your computer is a maniac.

Maybe, but you have to admit the little coincidences like this are pretty brilliant.

Hey, Julie, are you going to be okay?

...Eventually. I hope.

Laurie, can you get the other headvoices to help her out, please? I need to close this up and get some sleep, desperately. And then tomorrow we, uh, kind of have to adjust our lives to match.

I do not mind at all.

Same here, man. Not much to adjust, amusingly enough.

So do you want me to take Julie out now and get her situated, or what?

Yeah, and Genesis, go check on Xenophon while she's doing that. I want to have at least a small followup conversation with everyone after I close this up if possible, but I want to make sure Julie is okay first.

I'll settle her down. If not then Lynne's good at getting that done.

All right. Thanks, Laurie.

No problem at all. I'll see you in a little while, kid.

Yeah, inevitably. I love you too, Laurie.

Heheh, no kidding.

Okay, I'm going to go follow her so goodnight.

Genesis, darling, you're going to talk with us later too.

Yeah but you might be half asleep by then. So I'll say goodnight now!

Haha, okay. Good night, sweetheart.

You too! Don't stay in here too late or I will come and get you.

I won't. Promise.

'Kay, see you!

Well he was unusually excited about all of this.

Unusually? Are you kidding? The guy's my muse and your moirail. He was going to flip out.

I guess so.

...Sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner.

No, no, it's perfectly okay. Really it is. That must have been hard for you to deal with on your own, though.

A little bit. It did help to have that online community to ask about this, seriously, or otherwise I don't think I would have been able to really figure this out at all. And accidentally telling Genesis about it this afternoon did help because I got to discuss... geez, basically this entire conversation beforehand.

At least you're calmed down from the past few days.

Oh, definitely. I was just... shaken up, because it was just... I had never even considered that to be a possibility. Ever. But like I said, once I played Nier I just... I wanted a daughter. I honestly did. I had never wanted kids ever before in my life, and I actually still don't, in the biological sense, but...

But we were never really on the red level anyway.

Not at all. We're ultraviolet, dude, remember?

Ironically.

Heh, kind of! But... it made me really nervous at first, because geez, that is a huge revelation in any case. And our case is weird, so that was almost completely overwhelming for me. Gay interspecies spirit alien kids, I mean come on.

Hahaha, that's a nice way of putting it!

It's true, though! True and awesome. I mean I am just floored by the fact that we apparently... you know... we actually created something. The right way.

Together.

...Yeah. That's the most important part.

I love you, Jewel, I really do.

I know. And I honestly love you more than words can ever hope to express.

Then find a new way to speak, right?

Oh I daresay I am fluent in the language of love, and there I go with cheesy pickup lines, oh good Lord.

I'm still partial to the one you used on me in SI.

The kissing one? Dude that was terrible, I don't know how I got away with that.

It was brilliant, and look who you're talking to.

Hah, yeah, fireplaces and champagne all around.

Exactly!

Oh hey, I forgot to tell you, my mother and I are going to a big spiritual expo thing this weekend.

Nice.

Yeah, but, the reason we're going is because I told her about you and Laurie one day and it triggered one of our huge philosophical conversations-- I think I told you about that one, didn't I? In glissando?

You probably did. I know you've been talking to her a lot about that sort of thing lately.

Yeah, so... I'm just laughing because, dude, she knows about our general situation, but how do I even come out with this sort of thing to her?

Aha, I have NO idea. But at this point she could probably take it.

No kidding! "Hey mom, you know how I'm a genderless demiguy asexual soulbonder plural system and all that? Well, uh, you know that blue dude who I've been with since 2003? Well... we've kind of been 'married' for six years now, and we actually had a nonbiological kid that I didn't know about until last week. Yeaaah."

Forget your mom, try the Sonic fandom.

Oh good LORD dude I am not even going to try explaining this to half of those people.

Hahaha!

They'll have to settle for SI. That's it, that's all you get.

Although we do have some shenanigans in there too.

Well of course, this is us we're talking about. Shenanigans are inevitable.

What about the flipside of that?

Every night, green eyes. Every freaking night.

Can I take you up on that offer?

Dude you can just take me at this point, I'm not even joking.

I daresay I already have, love.

No kidding. I swear, Chaos, you light up my entire life. As cliched as it sounds you seriously do illuminate me, entirely.

I know. Believe me, I have read what you've written about me.

Seriously. Every time I'm in a deeply inspired mood I end up writing about you.

You put every attempt I've ever had at writing to glorious shame, Jewel.

I think something poetic is going to result from this, inevitably. We'll see.

Poetic in which language, may I ask?

That depends on whether you want to hear or feel what I have to say.

I'm up for both.

Then you're getting both.

Should I close this up, then?

Go right ahead, love.

...Are you catching sparks?

Why don't you come over here and find out?

Oh you are definitely catching sparks.

Can't help it, Chaos. Not with you.

...Can I ask you something?

Anything.

Do you have enough fire for an ocean in that heart of yours?

Chaos, of course I do... that's why it's there.