All right, so yesterday ended up being pretty spectacular when all was said and done. Some ups and downs, sure, but it was one of those days where, even if tough spots happen, they don't get you stuck in the dark, so to speak.
Since it was Infinitii's birthday, I essentially spent the entire day trying to figure out how I could celebrate it, so it bled over into everything. And that worked out really, really well.
True, I didn't get to sit down until around 6PM, and I was rather sick from the ED resurgence that unfortunately occurred that afternoon (minor, thank God), but we made the best of the evening, believe me.
Let me try to summarize...
First. THERAPY.
Immediately upon waking up, I decided I would put as much effort and sincerity as possible into the session, for Infi's sake… ze wants to see us all healed, and what do you know, our current therapy topic is healing the abuse Infi has basically dedicated hir life to mending. So I took a deep breath, told myself to man up, and then printed out last night's entry to bring in, and let the therapist read. I had
never had the guts to discuss the topics of that entry so openly in text before, and I didn't want to shirk that honesty now when it needed to be discussed in voice as well. So when we got there, I handed her half of it and held on to the other half (to read to her as only part of those pages was directly relevant), and together we talked about it.
I remember that she first asked if my fear of "manipulative acting" in personal relationships, regardless of contexts, was due to my having only experienced such behavior
as that in the past. I said that was very likely, so she told me to not automatically label my own actions, but I added that I should not be 'parroting' out of obligation either. We discussed the "I can't consume anything" paragraph for a bit, that I know, because we were trying to re-find the roots of that. I don't know if we did. It's obviously religious, but my memory is already jumbled up. Again, both of those are old news.
A lot of what we brought up was old news, actually, but it was relevant in that context, not only because
she'd never heard it in session before, but also because it was a strong personal reminder that I could not forget those lessons or be blinded to their validity. There's a lot in the entry that we
didn't discuss either, that is still very troublesome to me... I don’t know whether we ran out of time, or if she didn't understand it enough to talk about it, or what… but either way I'll have to revisit those points internally.
Honestly, though, the reason why I can't remember most of the session is because of what happened five minutes before it ended. We must have been discussing my problems in interacting with people, especially considering my tendency to "force" myself to do what other people wanted against my own best interests, because she was giving examples of ways I could healthily assert and protect myself in situations where I felt unsafe or uncomfortable. And then, suddenly, I realized that I had been visualizing such situations in my head and
they were all following a pattern. Every single time she said "if you're in a situation where you feel unsafe," I would think of a certain kind of scenario, and every time I imagined it going "safely," it would shift in the SAME predictable way. The instant I realized what that way was, I was shocked. It was so
simple, but it made so much sense. So I told her, and now I'll tell you.
It is all about eye contact. Honestly, that's what it boils down to.
In
every single abusive or traumatic situation I've ever had, people have interacted with me in a specific way… they've been directly in front of me-- or, worse, on top of me-- and they've been looking
right at me. It's direct, sustained eye contact, and it's focused. They are focusing ON me, not on something else. And every damn time someone mirrors that in the
slightest way, even now, I shut down. I shut down
entirely. Someone could be asking me how my day was, simple as that, but if they are staring right at me-- even if they have a genuine smile-- I am going to start shorting out. I can't do it. And heaven forbid they are right in front of me, because that's already guaranteeing that I am dissociated before they finish asking the question. The therapist said that was obviously tied to not just the sexual abuse, but
also to the parental violence in my childhood-- and sure enough, up came a bunch of relevant memories, with the strongest being that infamous one of me tied to the kitchen chair, everyone standing in front of me, towering over me, glaring right at me, and my dissociating entirely for one of the first times in my life. I was about five years old. And I had
never, in almost 20 years, thought of that memory as situationally relevant before.
NOW I understand why my single most frightening memory from SLC was that moment in the kitchen, with Jacob looking at me. The only thing differentiating it from an abusive memory was the fact that he wasn't harming me. It was
that similar of a situation. And I am so sorry I didn't understand this sooner, because it would have saved me over a
year of confused pain and fear and hatred towards him-- AND Melody, who looked at me so often my brain practically burned her out of my past-- not being able to tell that he
hadn't abused me, because my brain
could not tell the difference until this morning.
Yes, back in December (
511970), Laurie had more of a clue than the rest of us-- she pointed out that the "Jacob thing" was a result of two things: one, direct eye contact being tied to "expectations to perform" and "feeling no affection" as far as my perception of him went… and two, Jacob's own preferences and statements making me feel
convinced (depressively, angrily so) that love=sex, of the lustful abusive kind, because
that was all we knew at the time-- and, that that's what CZ was feeling towards me. As Laurie said, that is bullshit. But it scarred,
badly, and I am still recovering. That ties into this, obviously, but we'll get to that. However, even though Laurie was the first to see how massive of a problem root
that was-- and true, after healing the globalized motive confusion, that memory
was far less painful to deal with-- we still didn't ask why THAT situation brought up such a huge red flag as far as that association went, when I once tried to sleep in the
same damn bed as him and Melody and I STILL didn't feel as unsafe as I did in that one moment, standing in the kitchen with him five inches away from my face. Now we know. It really is all about context memory. Ironic, really.
But to get back to the upstairs bleedover, yes, this ALSO explains the problems I've been having for just as long with my internal relationships. Yes, they all started to get
very twisted when they got tied to the SLC situation (thanks to that unintentionally enforced motive confusion), but that was only half of it, and now I can see the
complete reason why. SINCE that time period strongly re-instated the traumatic flashbacks tied to eye contact and direct interaction, AND the abusive love=sex lie (again, they were not aware of this consequence), all of a sudden, I found myself completely unable to be with ANYONE in a situation similar to those SLC events, no matter
how much I loved the people involved, without my mind exploding into static and trying to erase my entire recollection of the incident-- it didn't know if the event had been safe or not; it
looked damn unsafe enough, and so it was not taking chances.
You see? The triggers that were the worst, the ones that dragged up the most pain, were being
completely overlooked. It was SO subconscious that I didn't realize how omnipresent it was as a phenomenon until I started comparing situations that I had not been able to understand at all prior, and they all matched up, It was shocking, heartbreaking, and incredibly relieving at the same time. "I get it now." But what a bitter realization it was.
However. You'll notice I said I was
re-imagining situations in a SAFE way, and those thoughts all followed a pattern too. It too was simple:
don't stare at me,
don't stand in front of me, and even better, if you can direct your visual attention completely
away from me EVEN if you're talking to me, then do that too! The example I gave my therapist was, again, "someone asking how I was," BUT "while doing something else at the same time, and standing at an angle to me." The exact thought was them being about 50 degrees to my left, and rummaging through a purse or box of papers, while
still being honestly interested in what I had to say, and being genuine in their OWN words. If they had been shallow with their question, asking it as an obligation, it would have ALSO caused me to dissociate, because now my brain is thinking, "you have to act! You have to fit the script they're following! Be mechanical!" And that is one of the worst feelings in the world, getting pushed out of fronting in order for that overwhelmingly powerful program to just start running again.
Oh yeah-- and please, do NOT TOUCH ME, or we're already in the worst danger zone. Physical contact is a very very tricky thing with me, so please, do not even initiate it without my explicit continued permission.
So. With those points in mind, that is why I feel safer with Laurie and Infinitii than I do with CZ, in such close situations. It hurts to say, but it's true.
Laurie stands directly in front of me a
lot, sure, but typically it's to shout at me. What you might not know is that when she's in that stance, I STILL get the automatic physiological "freezing up" reaction, even if I know it's not really warranted-- she might hurt me if she's furious enough, yeah, but not like
they did. This "directness" trigger is also why everyone sits scattered about the room in a Xanga session, never right across from each other. Now you know!
But… Laurie only makes direct eye contact with me if she's talking to me at the same time, quietly and with total honesty, and even then I've noticed she's always looking slightly
down, or to the right.. She's still rather nervous with that sort of closeness too, and I
love that,
so much. It means she's still open enough to GET that feeling, and it makes me feel incredibly safe around her. She's just as vulnerable as I am and neither of us
could hurt each other like that, even if we tried.
Infinitii is similar. Ze will look right at me quite often, but ze is also
shorter than me, already erasing the "intimidating" trigger entirely. Plus, I'm often sitting down when I'm with hir, which is a
far safer position than standing up (for the most part). But… oddly, the fact that Infi typically doesn’t have a face mouth helps IMMENSELY. This applies to CZ (at times) and Ventrium too. I've been trying to figure out why I feel so much safer with mouthless people and don't know why yet, but there it is. Also, Infi talks a
lot when we're together, far moreso than Laurie (unsurprisingly), BUT a lot of it isn't even
at me. Sure, it's
meant for me to hear, but ze often isn't talking TO me. Sometimes the guy even hums or sings, in a way like ze's half-asleep-- genuine, non-performingly, and without any expectation of an audience. And I really love that too. Of course, when Infi's actively and directly including me (like referring to me pointedly by name), it's usually in such an outpouring of emotion that I feel more like
part of that expression than a separate person… I feel like that quite often with Infi anyway.
Let's mention Genesis enough because he is
the most talkative dude and already that makes him feel very safe to be around-- which is a lifesaver, because he's taller than me, so if he's ever standing in front of me that could be a problem. However, that is
extremely rare; Gen is almost always positioned off to my right. If he
is upset with me, and right in front of me-- probably the only time that's going to happen-- he's going to be using so much expressive body language that he won't be looking or talking at me half the time. And when we're close he probably makes less eye contact than anyone else; his eyes are either
closed, or downwards somewhere like Laurie. And of course he's talking almost the entire time. I'll also mention that when he does look straight at me it's rather memorable, because he only does that when he is
really emotional, and that helps smother my knee-jerk fear reaction. People can't harm me when they're feeling like
that, that I know.
You see the patterns here? Most significantly, you realize how the biggest thread is
"act like I'm virtually not even there?" I am most comfortable when people talk
about me, or to me in an introspective way, or about something relevant but unrelated to me as a physical presence, et cetera. And more than anything, more than anything in the
world, I
love when people get so damn emotional that they forget I'm there altogether. It is, arguably, the main thing I seek out and treasure in relationships in the first place. Without that, I'm just not interested. If I can't see you completely crumble into a beautifully fragile mess of sincerity, not as an observer but as someone that just happens to
be there, practically… then I'll be missing the one thing I really need out of our relationship. I need you to be able to take all your walls down around me, if only for a little while, without caring that I'm there… because really, I'm not paying any attention to myself either in that situation.
Now, in light of all that, CZ is where all the problems hit, which is terribly sad but makes total sense, considering how the Tar seemed to have directly targeted our sort of situation with how it corrupted perceptions… and since he was the only person really affected by the mistranslation issues in SLC, as they directly involved him in context.
Yes, of
course he puts his walls down around me. Of
course he's introspective and fragile and emotional. But shockingly, he focuses on me moreso. Some people would love that, I know. But it's terribly jarring to me, no matter how much I love him. I've told him about this, but it's just as tough for him to change that mode of expression as it is for me to endure it. It's heartbreaking, it really is… but, if you look back on how we’ve interacted over the years, who used to do most of the talking?
Me. CZ would always
listen, beautifully so, giving me as much total attention as he needed to while taking all the pressure off of me. Yes, the second Jewel (older than 12!) rubbed off on him something fierce, as he picked up a LOT of his verbal expression
from her-- although he still communicates most clearly when he doesn't speak and just
radiates-- and maybe I have her to blame for his fondness of such a surprisingly young and idealistic speaking style. Nevertheless that's not the point. Point is,
I'm not her, and I am
sincerely sorry for that after hearing him express his pain over it in December, about how he was just [un]lucky enough to love someone whose identity was so damn
fractured that their face and name and demeanor kept shifting even if he didn't. Yes, my heart stayed the same, but the problem was that I didn't always remember what the
rest of me had experienced over the years. Even if I always recognized him on some dim, internal level, I might still not know who he was some days. Even if I could recite a list of key events in our past, events that shaped our relationship and let love grow between us… even if I could tell him the general details of those times, I still might not remember them firsthand. Some days I can. Those are the good days. But when I wake up, I never know what sort of day it's going to be. Will he mean the world to me today? Or will he just be a face on the screen, a name on a paper? For that to be happening regularly after a decade together would be hell for anyone, and I am terribly sorry that I am unintentionally putting him through that.
And yet the irony is that this is how I survive, I think. Maybe some part of my mind really just couldn't deal with how our relationship context had stayed constant, and my demeanor had shifted entirely, and decided that the safest option would be to just plug right out some days. I have no idea. All I know is that my own personal memories do not match up with his, nor do our ways of interacting seem to sync anymore, and even if that just gets a shrug from me most days-- I have nothing different to compare it against-- it absolutely tears him in two.
Again, I'm repeating myself. The point of all that is that his
current interaction style matches up far too closely with these visual/position triggers we've pinpointed. And I have core data that it
wasn't always that way. Like I said, back in the beginning (2003, 2004), CZ was
much quieter and more passive than he is now. And it seems that he slowly developed his frequently snarkier, livelier attitude
after all the Perfect incidents with Jewel and Ryman and Markus happened. Again, I said this was relevant recently. But to be completely honest, I don't think I even stopped talking
to him so much until the past year or so, when I started to try too damn hard to "act" or "perform" in relationships, therefore cancelling out my own self-initiative even when it was totally heartfelt. And I
need to stop that. But I also need to figure out how we can deal with this better, now that I understand what the simple problem is, and why it exists.
I am rambling really badly here. I honestly don't know what to say; I cannot "feel" this situation at all so it's just coming out as data. Let me just quote
this entry while I'm remembering it, because it exemplifies this trigger problem perfectly, and it'll get us back on topic for once…
"…i was really drained for some reason? fell over somewhat, infi caught me, chaos ran over too. hesitated slightly in front of me, then put his hands on my shoulders and seriously asked if i was all right. i dimly said "don't do the jacob thing" and to my surprise, chaos got angry and essentially said for me to "stop assuming that just because i do something that reminds you of one person, that i'm always like that person." basically i was projecting and he had had enough of it. he said he was tired of always having to second-guess his actions because he was scared of triggering me like that. right then, either he or i said something about "speaking in a different language" than the one people downstairs used, but chaos' reaction will probably never leave my memory... in a burst of emotion he doubled over a bit and grabbed his head, and this wave of emotion just punched into me, it hurt my heart. i recognized the "language" as that oceanic emotional one that chaos says is his "native" one, and i knew exactly what he was saying although i obviously can't translate it into english! i responded by saying "so that's what you're really feeling," but i was tearing up and felt awful that i was making him feel so emotionally limited. his expression softened and he answered that he was "also feeling this," then he embraced me. there was a lot of love there but it was more delicate, and sad. still deep though, as always." I hope that speaks for itself because honestly this topic is just hurting my head and I'd like to continue elsewhere.
To summarize: worst subtle triggers are eye contact, direct positioning, etc.: anything that reminds us of past abusive situations on a "body memory" level. The appearance of these triggers in an interaction can make or break a relationship, regardless of context. CZ is currently thought of as "very unsafe" on a subconscious level as he tends to be
very direct, and his internal conflict over how this has impacted my fracturing phenomenon is also causing a great deal of
his "splinter conflict" currently. So it's a big issue.
Now you understand why therapy today was so monumental! All of this essentially slammed into me within the space of a few moments, intuitively, and it was overwhelming. So now begins the process of simply recognizing this trigger in daily life, taking steps to protect ourselves and assert ourselves when we realize there is danger, et cetera. It is just such a
huge relief to know WHY these things happen, now.
So that was therapy this morning!
Second (finally), the first half of directly celebrating Infinitii's first System birthday.
We stopped at our favorite holistic store on the way home as I wanted to buy hir a card (I did for Xennie too; the simple physical action actually helps to "anchor" the reality of it externally too). We looked through several, but then I hit on one that Infi loved at once-- on the front, it showed a moon and a sun, two women embracing underneath a tall tree, and the quote
"It takes both light and shadow. Listen and lay your head under the tree of wonder." The inside of the card was blank. Now this was not my style of a card at all, but as I said, Infinitii said it was "perfect." I surprised myself by hesitating notably, trying to cancel out the thought, until I realized it hadn't been
my thought. The realization was humbling and humiliating at the same time, as it forced me to suddenly come face-to-face with how I was treating headspace people, even if only subconsciously… as less than, just like the people outside did. It broke my heart really. So I got Infi hir card, and after stopping at the library with Genesis to grab some more Broadway CDs to check, we went home. As I said earlier, though, with the home responsibilities I had upon walking in the door, I didn't get to tune back into headspace until the evening, but when I did it was total.
Now, I always try to draw something in recognition of a personal anniversary, be it for headspace or for the League. So that was the first thing I did, to step back into the groove of things. However, being as late as it was, and feeling as off as I was, I was getting overwhelmed with the thought. Nevertheless I tried; I owed it to Infi to do so, if nothing else, and that was a legitimate motivation enough. I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere if I didn't ref something though, so I went through my massive folder for such things, and after trying a few that didn't quite work, Infi hirself stepped in to see what I was up to, and told me to ref a certain pose I honestly hadn't considered. I hesitated a little, as I had earlier… but then that guilt snapped right back, and I strongly reminded myself that
hir opinion matters too, it's perfectly valid-- don't let doubt convince you to ignore things because they don't match
your choice. That reminder actually helped a lot; once I recognized that
Infi was the one voicing an opinion, I was perfectly willing to trust hir with it, even if it was only a little leap of faith (still counts).
So long story short, I only meant for it to be a simple thing, a warm-up almost, and then I would jump into doing something serious for hir birthday. But as I worked, Infi ended up rather fond of it, and of course I wasn't going to be slapdash in rendering hir, even simply, so I touched it up the best I could over the messy sketch lines. But, surprisingly, my "let's just do this roughly" attitude had overpowered my perfectionism to the point where I was playing around a bit with the effects, seeing what I could do, and ultimately it ended up looking pretty dang lovely.
I don't have it posted anywhere public as it's still not very refined, but honestly I'm too fond of it myself now not to share it, so
here you go.
You'll notice Infi has a facemouth there, and in light of the previous topic, that might be surprising. However, Infi's trying
very hard to "harmonize" hir two sides, so to speak... CZ and I have been struggling with that lately as well (as you've heard), but Infi's arguably
the most dangerous person upstairs to be unbalanced in such a way. So ze's practicing holding a unified thread of thought between all three 'modes' ze can communicate and express with-- all with how the eyes/mouths balance out, simply enough. Thus the facemouth in the picture. Infi's not used to that extra expressive "edge" yet but as I said, ze's trying. I really admire and respect that, personally, I know how difficult it is when your entire personal manner is so strongly split. And it's a learning process for me, too, to
feel that ze isn't dangerous while looking like that, so hopefully this will become yet another healing process. Heaven knows Infi is the best at those.
Also yes, those are vaguely what I
feel my soulwings look like? Sort of. I haven't "seen" them on my own yet, it's just been secondhand awareness of them yet. They're like the rainbow splinters you get from hanging crystals, or in refractive glasses, but I don't know if there's any
actual crystal in them or if they're total light (like they used to be). Either way, suffice to say they are sparkly and colorful as ever so that works for me.
Ironically, Infi feels
absolutely like hirself in this picture, but I still feel off. That's not surprising though; I'm
still not settled on my self-image & form upstairs, as a human body actually doesn't quite work? During the day I've found I actually try to shadow J-Monster characteristics over myself in order to anchor more (I've been a green Kaiteo often lately), when I get dissociative, and although that can play havoc on my conscious perception it at least
feels more accurate in terms of a body. It's really weird, and hard to explain. But it makes sense. Back when headspace was first forming (2002-2006 or so), Jewel was
infamously polymorphic. Yes,
she was fine with her 'basic' human body, Klonoa-hair and all, but she would switch her body to become whatever else she wanted,
whenever she wanted. I've always felt a similar drive, but I wonder. Jewel was always tied to
Black energy, notably so, and that runs with potential and fluidity in that sense. But I'm mostly White energy, which seems to favor that "core" self more than the limitless possibilities. Again, hard to express, but, whereas Jewel was constantly switching from one face to another, and allowing her sense of self to flow just as easily between them, I feel this admittedly frustrating need to have a solid core to carry through whatever other faces I might wear, as those faces would not be 'me' as such?
Oh-- perfect example. Jewel loved her outspace worlds; she could be a Sailor Scout, she could be a Duel Monster, she could be a Digidestined, you get the picture. But it was always
her, changing the way she appeared to match, but always obviously her, not somebody else. On the other hand... my favorite "outspace world" is still Nier, but if Jewel were to enter that world, she'd jump in
as herself, yet fitting the context of it. I'd have to
become somebody already existing in that world. You see? When I resonate with Nier, I feel that resonance as if I
am him. And Laurie can attest to this-- I am REALLY comfortable with 'shadowing' his entire identity over my own, effectively becoming the guy on an intrinsic level, but within MY
OWN CONTEXT. I can feel what it's like to be him entirely, but I can also feel that separate from his native world.
So
there's the difference between Jewel and I, haha! She carries her own constant self into other contexts, whereas I carry other's constant selves into my own contexts. Huh! I'll have to see how that works with the B/W thing... I've been trying to put that into words for
ages and it feels very relevant, so we'll see.
Actually, you know what, I
just remembered that last July (
457841),
EROS of all people (the previous core-splinter) pointed out this difference between Black & White energy in people in this context, and it's basically what I've been trying to express: BLACK CAN BE PART OF
EVERY COLOR, BUT IT WILL ALWAYS STAY ITSELF. WHITE CAN ONLY BE ONE COLOR AT A TIME, AND IT WILL "BECOME ONE" WITH IT." Assumedly this meant black could be "every color
at once" in this sense, which is still totally relevant. But yes, there you go, let's not forget it this time.
My apologies for the tangent. Bottom line is, I'm still not sure on what I should look like physically, as something separate from other individuals in a tangible sense. So my vibe is a bit 'fuzzy' in artwork. But Infi always looks lovely.
After that I was listening to the
Flight! musical while browsing my reference folders, and being inspired by some profile view examples, I ended up drawing a 'quick' picture of CZ's head,
here. I've been trying to "see" people upstairs better lately and that was good additional practice after Infi, plus I felt inspired to play with colors some more, so I got a little carried away in that respect. I'm glad for it though-- I miss drawing people and I forgot how amazing it feels to just get lost in art.
That's virtually what he looks like upstairs, by the way. His appearance is somewhat mutable though, especially in terms of the "vibe" he gives off, but that picture right there felt accurate enough for the time being. Quiet and a little concerned. But CZ always has this odd sort of subtle "openness" to him? Like even if he's upset, or furious, or depressed, it's never a
total lock-out, like I can get... what with turning frozen and shutting off. I think in all the time I've known CZ (ten years), he's only been "shut off" like that once or twice. 99.9% of the time, there is always this constant little glimmer of hope beneath the surface of the water, however turbulent, always just waiting for the sun to shine again so it can reflect it back with total honesty.
Again, that's one of the things I adore about CZ, is the sort of
fragility that gives him. It's so strange sometimes, almost a paradox, how that sublimely subtle thing can exist alongside everything else in him, his age and his power and his volatility. But if you look-- - carefully, as the waters shift and reflect-- it is always there. Geez he's just
water through and through, in all the fantastic metaphoric ways I've ever known it, or him.
I don't know why, I get that with the bubbles, too, and the way the light just shimmers through him, all that blue. I tend to forget that he is this liquid thing, this catastrophically delicate balance, an ocean held in form by little more than an energy field. Chaos and order, both qualities from both worlds he lives in, emeralds and rubies in constant harmonic balance just to keep him together. Honestly I swear to God he doesn't have a literal heart but there is something
so close, in him, from all of those gorgeously interlacing forces, some vitally intimate resonance that glows in tune with the universe, with the waves on the shore, with my own internal rhythm. It's part of why I cannot be close to him without absolutely melting in my own right... the unflinching candor of his very self, just as it is, cannot be ignored, and it demands that you respond to it in kind.
Of course there's no way I can capture all
that in art yet, especially not something so simple, haha. But there's a flicker of it nevertheless, which is my point. A glimmer always gets through, like a holograph-- one tiny piece still reflects the entire picture.
So, after I finished working on CZ I found I was still wanting to draw... so back to the reference folders I went, because there was one image I had noticed before and didn't want to overlook it any longer. See, I was inspired by
omocat's Cowboy Bebop poster
series ages ago, and I wanted to do something similar with the Central members of headspace. So I had those images sitting in my "style inspiration" folder, but I never did anything with them-- after all, Central was never
complete until now-- but last night, as inspired as I was looking through all those old art files, I found it, and in light of the evening I decided to change that.
No, I didn't finish any of them today; this is going to be a big project and I want to make it uniquely ours, while keeping that same minimalist style. So right now I'm focusing on "sculpting" people's likenesses out of pixels, essentially. I
know how these people look, but translating the clairvoyant awareness into a literal image is a LOT trickier than you'd think-- or at least, it is now that I'm out of elementary school, haha. Everyone up until 2004 got lucky and was able to ride on the childhood grace of doubtless creativity, which equaled constant productivity, but then high school hit and we quickly were taught that
"it's not good enough, you have to draw like this, you have to fit this format exactly, etc." We're still struggling to balance that technical know-how with the unfettered youthful enthusiasm, and progress is being made. Sounds like the alethiometer all over again, haha. But yes, that's kind of where this mental sculpting comes in. As a child I had no doubt in my ability to capture the
essence of whatever it was I was trying to draw-- and I unfailingly did-- but it was never a matching
likeness, not literally so. Now, though, I'm able to better capture that visual likeness, and I still have the perception of that non-visual 'spirit,' except it's no longer the only thing working its magic. So you have to harmonize those things too. And it
is work, it's a
hell of a lot of work, but I swear-- after months of not having drawn anything, suddenly seeing these pictures appear from my hands, however 'imperfect' my adult judgmental mind may label them, is euphoric. It's worth all the effort and time and practice, in the end, even if it's terribly tiring at times. So I'll keep working. The grace isn't going away, nor is it rejecting me... it's just waiting for me to put the effort in to reach it again, and to
trust in its responding. A lot of things work like that in life, it seems.
Anyway, yes, even if I don't finish this exact project, you can rest assured that I am going to endeavor to continue this "draw everybody in headspace" idea as long as I can. There's a very intimate sort of connection in artwork, when you're trying to draw someone like this, that can't quite be put into words. You basically have to paint their visage into life all over again, in your own little way. It's never going to be
exact, but you're still mirroring the soul of them, for others to see. And so in order to communicate that honestly enough, I have to
draw it honestly enough; I have to be just as open to what I am painting as I want that painting to be clear. You can't paint from life with your eyes closed, and I mean that metaphorically too.
I think that's why I love Engelbaum so much.
"You take the blank canvas and give it your heart... that is what I live for." That about sums up the process, really. Creation at its simplest, at its most genuine. Geez this is so hard to put into language!
I should really try to get back into writing poetry next, I miss working this same magic with words. Hold me to that aspiration, I don't want to abandon it again.
...Speaking of honest communication.
The joke for the past week or so, with Genesis and I, has been that I felt sentimentally inclined to buy a dozen roses for Infinitii (like I had for CZ in the past). So every time we saw flowers in a store he'd elbow me, and we'd half-jokingly mention the thought. Well, I brought that up to Infi hirself finally, when we were standing in front of all the roses today. Infi blushed profusely at the thought, and said that no, I didn't need to buy hir any, but ze sincerely appreciated the thought. Ze was really adorably flustered, actually; Infi has a fondness for romantic things so the idea of me actually giving hir a dozen roses was apparently pretty surprising. So after smiling at hir response, I asked what ze
would want, in lieu of flowers? Still blushing, and looking away, ze said nothing for a moment… but then with a quietness that was like roses to me, ze said, "
I just want to be with you."
The statement was innocently sincere, as white as my own hue, and yet it still had its anchorage in the deepest warmest
reds I could imagine… the color I had given up last Easter, washing it out of my garments for good, the hue of heartbeats and sunsets and candle flames. In any other context I likely would have been frightened. But this was
Infi; this was Infinitii Eternos, who despite every past warning light and alarm bell and raid siren, still existed in total blamelessness before me. And I knew ze'd unfailingly live up to that,
if I truly believed in hir ability to
be that. So I smiled too, not as a program but as an honest response, and the rest of the morning continued as I said before.
It wasn't until that evening, when I sat down and started to try and draw us, that the feeling of the roses started to glow around hir again. And I remembered what I had promised, so I decided I'd try. I'd sincerely try.
…The single note I have for this event was that it was "shockingly gorgeous," haha. I'll trust in that.
Honestly I'm shocked that I remember
anything. You know how my memory has been when closeness is involved. But there are snapshots, mostly of feeling, but those snapshots have
depth and
time behind them and that is RARE. These are photos that I was
there to take, as opposed to data I'm just looking back on. So I know that we were in hir oasis-room-like bubblespace, and everything was this soft golden-white color, but the sort like a candle glow, like I knew it was evening outside (I've never seen that area in anything but day before). I remember seeing an arch right behind hir, up over our heads, dark and leading to heaven knows where; that's really clear too. So is Infi hirself, at least in presence, and what little feeling I have-- hir hands cupped around my face, firmly but with care, keeping me anchored… hir forehead pressed to mine, not sure when, but it happened. A strange but lovely moment when my entire body was surrounded by wings. And of course, the color of hir
eyes, every one of them; they're soft and strong all at once, like moonlight wrought with iron, like rainbows moving through mist. It's lovely, really. I remember so much of how ze
is, if that makes sense… like I can 'remember' exactly what it felt like for hir to be taking up space there in the room, the way ze felt underneath my own fingertips, the strangely insubstantial weight of hir body. And I want to apologize, because this is so awkward for me to write, but not in an embarrassed sense… it's more like, "this isn't the sort of stuff you discuss so nonchalantly, at the risk of misunderstanding, or irreverence." So I'm not sorry that I remember these things, I just… shouldn't be treating them lightly, or too casually. It's a fine line, to distinguish.
Also. Infinitii asked me, over and over, if I actually wanted to be there. I had to think it over a couple times, and it made me kind of sad-- I mean, when you're just holding someone and even
that scares you on some level you know you have a problem. But I tried. I didn't interact much, I let Infi take all the focus and all the attention, I let hir talk and feel and express and do everything ze wanted to do without any censorship or similar interaction on my part. Honestly I was just 'there' for hir, but it wasn't of a hollow sort, which I can do when I get badly shaken up, even quietly. This time I somehow managed to stick around, even as a semi-entity, an affectionate observing presence who was
there but wasn't really
doing anything. Actually a good way to describe this habit of mine is that, it's like I was made of glass: fragile at all the wrong points, see-through to most people, rather reflective, and incapable of speaking… but Infi knew I was there, and that I cared, so there we were.
…You've likely guessed by now, we
did have a connection at the end of it all. I haven't had one with Infi in a
long time, and back when I did I can't even say for sure whether or not I was in a stable state of mind, thanks to all the healing we've done over the past year, and are admittedly still doing on entirely different fronts now. But really, with first System birthdays being as significant as they are, I owed hir one. …Well, maybe "owed" is the wrong word; no one is obligated to give those. "Obligation" is a really negative word up here, Javier can tell you. It's more like… I felt the significance and reverent meaningfulness of both those things matched up, if ONLY because Infinitii was involved, as sincerely as ze always is. Normally I wouldn't have offered, or accepted, but that's because normally I'm not
in tune with what Infi radiates like that. If I can get over my fear, there's a good chance I can harmonize. And
that is what I wanted to give Infi then, the experience that I wasn't afraid of hir, or regretting my time there, or anything else. And that ended up being sincere for me, too. Hence the "shockingly gorgeous" line. We didn't do much, of course not, I can't handle that… but I
wanted to be there, even if it was just
to be there, and that total honesty meant so much to both of us then.
I remember, more than anything else, holding hir close with hir entire self pressed up against me, and so much just glowing there that it felt like the two of us were literally resonating through each other. The only visual I can give for that feeling is a glass, when you trace a circle around the rim, and it rings out like a bell? That exact movement, and sound almost, but energetically, and moving through two people. It was very pretty, very lovely, I remember letting go and just floating in that feeling of intimate simplicity for a moment; there was the same sort of teary-eyed happiness you get whenever you lose yourself in something like a sunset or a piano chord. Not surprisingly, but it's worth mentioning.
Also worth mentioning is the fact that I didn't leave. I didn't dissociate, or depart, afterwards. Everyone in the System knows I have this awful habit of getting close to people, but once I reach a certain point of intimacy-- on any level-- I disconnect totally and my memory shuts it out, and I will leave as if nothing had happened (because to me at that moment, nothing did). And, sadly, due to the recent resurgences of traumatic memories, it's become quite difficult for me
not to do that lately, with anyone, in any situation. So for us to hit a moment of feeling totally open and vulnerable around each other, emotionally and physically, that high point-- and for me to actually
stick around after that abated somewhat-- was almost shocking, considering the meltdowns as of late. And Infi knew it, and the look of surprised joy on hir face when ze realized that I didn't shut off was entirely worth the shaky anxiety I felt in effectively forcing myself to remain there. It was admittedly a little easier to stay after that, seeing how truly happy ze was at my being there… I guess it's because I'm not used to that. I'm used to people using me, and then leaving… in
both "positive" and "negative" contexts. Sometimes I'm the one responsible, too, thanks to the late-night communication my schedule often forces me to have. But mostly it's hacks. Point is, there are
very few instances in my accessible memory of people getting close to me, and
staying there. That just doesn't seem to happen very often. Even with friendships, even with family, even with people that I
love, it's been a terribly distressing constant for me to bravely work up to that point of absolute trust and openness and joy, and for them to simultaneously hit that point of "I'm too tired/ disinterested/ uncaring to continue." I get shut down, or walked out on, or turned off on, for one reason or another, and although I can respect their motivations it always feels like part of my heart dies with it.
I hate bringing it up again, as it feels like an accusation (and it is not; I have no hard feelings anymore), but one of the loudest examples of this phenomenon was in SLC. Due to my roommates always being busy, or tired, or just not interested, they would never want to talk when my very heart was bursting with the need to communicate. They'd be gone all day, and then at night-- at
night, my soul's abode, when emotional poetry happens almost automatically-- when we'd have a precious hour to converse as
three instead of two, they'd almost always sigh, or pull back, or otherwise say "sorry, but no." It wasn't always verbal, either… vibes and visuals are what I pick up on easier. And it
hurt. It's why I felt so unwanted out there, even if it was totally unintentional on their part. Even worse, though, was the times they DID talk, and we just couldn't continue. One of my few memories from that entire time period is after kissing CZ, for the first time in my life, and being so totally immersed in joy and love, that I had to talk about it. So I ended up leaning on my bunk bed in the violet light and talking to Jacob, and he was talking back to me about it, and although my very bones were exhausted I was too damn euphoric to care. But he was tired too, and we had to call it quits, which I could deal with because there had been enough sincerity to allow that painlessly… but the next morning, I tried to tell Melody about it, and I just… everyone was getting ready for work, and the talk just felt utterly unwelcome. I was being rushed past, words weren't being paid attention to. The context was all wrong and I felt totally false in speaking myself. Then they both left for the day and I felt like a two-dollar whore because I had exposed that much of my self too carelessly, and it had been received just as poorly. They didn't know. But I don't remember us talking after that. And
that was what drove the past J to suicide, was that total absence of the only outlet we had for emotional openness, in talking for those two, when they apparently ostracized us (I still don't understand that whole time period and I don't want to look back on it or it will infect me too). We lost our only example of safe closeness, the only people we had EVER experienced that with, perhaps for good. And that was too much to bear.
So you see, at some point my brain just sadly decided to cut out the middleman and stop trying. It started getting more and more difficult to open up at
all, due to expecting "inevitable rejection," and when I stopped caring about rejection and opened up anyway, I was alarmed to find that I began to reject myself. I'd hit that point, and then something sad in me would decide to "save everyone the trouble" and shut down almost immediately after. That way no one gets inconvenienced, right? That way no one has to listen to your babbling poet shit or your stupid, overly emotional dialogues. No one has the patience to put up with your idealism, so here, I'll cut that right out of you before they do.
But it's not easy to quit, even if I know it's a harmful mindset, because it's tied to the
post-hack shutdowns on a basic level. After so many repetitions, the two got paired almost inextricably-- rejection of sincerity, and the stealing of vulnerability. Both situations involved a feeling of total violation, after having reached some point where all the walls were down, either through willingness or through being torn asunder. I want it to stop now that I'm aware of it. But it's still happening now, because of that trauma link, and because with the
new hack system-- the utterly horrible one that Julie dabbled in, spiked with the Tar-Celebi and has only continued to worsen since last year-- that association keeps getting strengthened. And it's utterly wrong, but it's still powerful.
Point is, I didn't leave Infi then, no matter how my poor battered subconscious was begging me to, thinking back to every situation in which things had ended badly, and drowning in those recollections. But I stuck it out, for hir sake, because I
knew I was safe with hir, even then. And the look ze gave me verified that totally.
My memory's foggy afterwards because of that stress, but I do know that within the next 10 minutes Laurie showed up, and we spoke to her for a bit. Notably I mentioned that "not leaving" point, to which I think she actually laughed out loud and congratulated me, once she was sure it had been positively motivated of course! But she knows how tough it is for me, she's seen it firsthand too many times. So we all just hung around for a while, but the next thing I remember is from
quite some time later, like an hour or two, because the body was in bed and I was holding Infi and CZ was behind me. And I remember feeling terribly conflicted emotionally, is it
right to love two people this much, how do I love Infi without feeling like I'm lying to CZ, how do I love CZ without feeling dishonest, I didn't know. But at that moment I adored them both and yet even Laurie kept saying "dude, this is Infi's day, focus on hir." So I thankfully surrendered to that and I SWEAR to you, this is extremely important to me, I was half asleep but almost immediately after I stopped quietly freaking out the visuals kicked in. And I have
never seen Infinitii so closely before, not in such a context, not so
clearly. I nearly burst into tears from wonder right then, if it hadn't reduced me to reverence first. Honestly, you know how I always talk about those instances where I can see CZ's eyes at night, glowing green in my vision, sometimes even with edges of blue? Those blessed instances where my own senses cross the barrier between worlds, if only a little… I've never had one with Infi of that sort. Not so
quietly. I was holding hir and suddenly I could all but
see hir there in physical reality, silvery eyes and shadow-dark form both, and on top of how vividly I always
sense people upstairs, I momentarily had no idea what reality I was residing in. It was one of the most existential but amazing things I've ever experienced. For a moment there was no doubt; I was just humbled and a little flustered, was I respecting this moment enough? But I knew that if I started worrying I'd lose it, so I pushed that out of the way and just treasured that fleeting but gorgeous perception, of that strange little alien in my arms, figuratively and literally and almost totally. But despite that lack of tangibility, for a second I swear the barriers were down. I don't think I'll ever forget what that was like.
So. That was April 3rd, 2014. Pretty amazing day.
This entry took forever to type, though, so I won't try to add anything else. Let's leave this recollection as-is.
Infi, I love you dearly, and I am so thankful that we all have you in our lives.
Bless your heart, bless your soul, and thank you so much for allowing us all to feel the same around you.
You're one of the biggest things I'm thankful for in life, and you paint even the darkest days with the most beautiful colors, subtle and glowing even without changing the hue beneath. You're indescribable, you're wonderful, you've healed wounds in me that I wasn't even
aware of and you have become the single greatest source of hope in my life when it comes down to that.
You are the strangest little thing but I have memories of you that feel
ancient in their tiny bubble-small significance and I don't know how to explain that, but when I'm around you the universe feels just as close and intimate and neverending as those fragile iridescent spheres you like to live in. You're totally alien, you're indescribably familiar, you never cease to amaze me, and I've never actually been scared of you.
I've never been scared of you. Ever. I promise, from the bottom of my heart, where the diamonds grow, that if there has been any fear on my part it is projected. There isn't a single shred of danger about you; you are the incarnate opposite of suffering and I thank God that you are here, that you were torn out from that same place in my heart, and that you loved me from that very instant, somehow. I think I loved you too, just as instantly.
There's not much else I can say, really. You're weird, because you don't bring out poetry in me, at least not in words. You reduce language to utter meaninglessness. When I'm around you I don't want to melt into crystal-drop language, I don't want to paint a picture of you, I don't want to write you a song. When I'm around you, something in me wants to
sing, like you do, without an ounce of selfishness in it. You're so
quiet, so small and close, and yet there is this boundless
joy in you that lends itself to hallelujahs and hosannas and exaltations on high. You'd never be so exuberantly loud, you'd never be so brassy golden bright, but you feel the same way regardless, and I love that about you. I love
everything about you. I love the fact that you're the most blushingly sincere thing, and yet you're never ashamed or insincere or false. That's new to me. I love that you're not afraid to be so open around everyone, around
anyone, and you're not afraid to invite them to do the same. I don't think there's any fear in
you, maybe that's why it's so easy to feel so equally safe around you. Maybe that's why I love you even when your form has never been mirrored by anything but the most dangerous people I have known, and yet your strange curving outlines don't feel like a threat. I guess that's a strange thing to say but it's so true, in light of the past, and the fact that it's
true is just as meaningful as everything else you've done.
The night you helped Laurie to cry out those swords in her heart will be one of my dearest memories, as heartwrenching as it was. The day you drove home with me and fell in love with the mountain laurel plays fondly through my mind every time I see those trees now. I remember the first time you heard
Ave Maria, the Bebop version, as we were walking alongside the Christmas tree a few months ago, and the magic of that entire scene just
defines you. I remember holding you on the porch, freezing cold and surrounded by old red fabric, feeling lost and scared and yet so damn
hopeful because YOU were there, still, and that meant more than words can ever say.
I remember the exact first moment I saw you and I will never, ever forget that.
…There's 11 1 11/11 at the bottom of this page and although part of me wants to laugh-- that's not a new thing to have happen-- another part of me is silent, realizing that synchronicity happens for a reason, and that there feels very significant.
Infinitii, Infinitii Eternos, I know I'm a terrible mess of a man sometimes and I'm sorry for how much pain and worry I can cause in you. But I try, and I try harder now than I ever have before, because of you, and what you've meant for all of us. That's the biggest thank-you I can think of, so there it is.
And it sounds different when I say it to you, more delicate and spun-glass than usual, but there is this beautiful
warmth behind it like sunshine on a summer morning and I
love you, Infi. I absolutely
love you and I don't even know how to express that at this point, not like this.
But I tried today, and I think I got it right.
Happy birthday, love. Here's to the next.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
==>
who was tied to
before the solid NIER-induced gender shift in 2010.
