the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

So dreams are getting funky now, guess why?
APPARENTLY WE SWITCHING IN DREAMS NOW?
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

Last night I remember headspace was in charge of the dream-body for MOST of the first half, unfortunately I forget most of that but I clearly remember knowing that at least four other people were trying to drive (including Minty and Kyanos, I know that much).
(BTW the second half of the dream involved Genesis being the "prince" of some weird cyberpunk-dystopia company, Chaos 0 showing up everywhere (although never in person as usual, which concerns me), some guy that looked like a domesticated Hannibal Chau telling me I had a divine mission to get rid of my "crown of thorns," a lot of angels with equally weird halos (one was red tinsel) backing him up on that, Sonic the Hedgehog + FROST* Youtube videos, an outbreak of brain-shaped gel falling from the sky, and a frozen chocolate bar. WHAT EVEN.)

The night before was the big tip-off for the switching thing, though. For some reason my mother and some unknown woman had agreed to "fight to the death" for my three bros and I, don't know if that was a legal thing or what? I remember thinking, "there's no way she's gonna lose, otherwise we'd be left homeless and without income! That other woman has to understand that."
But then some man sadly called my bros and I over, "the battle was finished," I had a bad feeling about it. And then we see our mother, dead, lying against a fencepost with half of it impaled through her. There was blood everywhere.
For a moment I felt total shock, barely believing this was happening... and then I wasn't driving anymore.
DAVID was.
I clearly remember "seeing myself" from about three feet to the right, as if I was a bystander... as a timid, scared little boy's voice came out of the body's mouth, whimpering "mommy?" repeatedly, hoping she would answer. When she didn't, he began to sob in a terribly helpless way, but didn't stop calling her. Everyone around us was crying now, I guess realizing exactly what had just happened here. But I kept thinking, "why am I doing that? Why am I acting like that?" although I wasn't even in the body.
After that the man had pity on us and "sent us back in time" to relive the previous day with our mother once more, which I was present for, but it was incredibly difficult emotionally because the entire time I couldn't forget that when this day is over, she's going to be dead for good. And that made me realize just how much we had taken for granted, while she was alive.
To make it worse, the timeline of this dream was the 1st of May, a week before her birthday. I remember thinking that she's going to be dead before she can even celebrate being alive for another year. So that hurt too.

On a more positive note I cannot believe I just started noticing the switching when THIS happened last month. Seriously Jay, pay attention dude.

It's weird though. For most of "my life," I had ALWAYS been aware of my dreams typically either being:
1. Myself watching the body in 3rd person, totally disconnected from it, or
2. Being in the body, but knowing that I wasn't the one operating it.
Dreams where I am explicitly the one in the body AND driving were surprisingly rare for most of our history. I just "took it for granted" that dreams were like that, "you don't actually dream about yourself, right?" But I guess that's NOT normal? Most people actually dream about themselves.
It's bizarre. I honestly thought most people DIDN'T dream in first person. Now I'm starting to reconsider, and it's creeping me out.
I might have to go back through homefive and add a few more tags for this... that, and I STILL haven't uploaded at least half of my written dream journal from 2005 or so (pre-Central, when headspace was still Outspacer-grounded). Those should be interesting, to compare at least.
I seem to be having more first-person dreams now, but they almost always involve headspace or semi-lucidity in some way. That's notable in and of itself, I think...

...I mean, I usually don't talk about these things but sometimes I'll wake up from dreams but not? And when that happens it's ALWAYS headspace.
There was that one infamous morning when, for WHATEVER reason, the dream "ended" with the four outspacer-guys and I together, but when I 'woke up' guess what? I WAS STILL THERE. It was almost scary because in the dream I felt everything and when I awoke, I felt as if I fell backwards out of it, but slowly, like sinking through water... but I could still see everything, although I could no longer literally sense it anymore. It is not the first time I've experienced that either. Very disorienting.
Then on the 12th, when I fell back asleep halfway after waking up and suddenly Chaos and Laurie were there with me. Once again I felt everything. That is so weird, to suddenly have physical sensation where these people are concerned, after being used to a decade of them being just out of reach.
...I also can't help but wonder why, whenever we can reach each other in that dream/waking state, we throw all caution to the wind and get really close, no matter WHO is involved. Even if I'm in a state of mind downstairs where I'm "unreachable" (like I've been in lately), when they show up in a dream... that doesn't apply.
Last night, in my dream, I was browsing the internet and suddenly this page came up, with Chaos on it. Except it didn't feel like a website so much as it felt like a gateway, like he was actually there looking for me from far away. But that's all it took, just a glance of green eyes and blue, and I swear my heart just melted and I couldn't fathom not remembering who he was in the waking.
Then I woke up, and I honestly can't remember.
Something's up. The blocks we're feeling down here aren't as substantial as we think, if dreams are any clue.
That's a good sign. That's a very, very good sign.


Anyway I have to leave in about... a half hour maybe? Gotta buy some food actually. Yesterday I realized that the only food I had in the entire house was a head of cauliflower and a really old red cabbage, well that's just great. So I know I have about $40 left in my bank account so I can use that to buy some vegetables for the next week or so.
Jeepers with all the spiritual blogs I'm reading I KNOW I have to keep thinking "joy and abundance!" but does that mean ignore the fact that money is currently tight? Do I keep saying "I have tons of money!" while completely disregarding the current situation? Is that spiritually correct? If "reality follows your thoughts," if this really is just a dream, could it REALLY be so simple?
I dunno, this is the sort of thing that bugs me day after day. Spiritual beliefs tend to clash fantastically with current ideas of logic and "common sense." I'm never quite sure which is the smartest to follow. Hm.
Maybe I'm just understanding it wrong. That wouldn't be new either, haha. I have a bad habit of splitting things into tiny pieces just to look at them, whereas Sherlock is the super-analyst now, but he apparently deals with data management so that tends to bleed over when I'm searching archives if I'm not careful.
I've got a ton of spiritual videos to watch as well, but they're all like 30 minutes apiece which makes it tough to just marathon them. If only I could hook my laptop up to a television so I could exercise while watching them, that could work. I'll have to see. They do need to be watched in any case; I either gave away or lost most of my spiritual books when I moved (along with 90% of my possessions in general, which was a hidden blessing) so I've unfortunately been falling back into old mind-patterns simply because that's what I'm living with.
I need to get back into repeating the new patterns regularly, day after day, to change this. Careful though-- the last few times I did, we had an anorexic/ paranoid fallout, I abandoned my outer life in general, and Christina showed up. Can't take it to extremes boy, that's exactly what we're trying to avoid here!

I'm just rambling now, which is a sign to sign off. See you kids later!
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@ 10:44 am

 

 

Someone just posted this on Facebook.

"What is once created, with love and honor, never ceases to exist."

I'm trying to read Laurie's entry from last night (SERIOUSLY) but it's tough. I keep dissociating and it's not registering. This might take a few tries before I actually comprehend it.
But "July 7th" keeps coming up in my head and now suddenly I know that CZ and Laurie were downstairs last night, what was that?? My brain hurts just trying to access the memory, I don't think I'm supposed to look at it. I'll have to ask Laurie instead or something.

...Also. Here's a big Tumblr-quote from my new friend D, because it was exactly what I needed to hear today and I do not want to forget it in any sense.

"Learn to stop being focused on some future aspiration! Because as long as you define yourself by something you WISH was happening NOW, you remove your traction from the road, and cannot budge at all! In other words: DON’T DARE FOCUS ON MAKING PROGRESS! I think I’m starting to realize how dangerous and toxic that mindset is! As painful as it might be for the two of us to let go of that mindset, we must enter a new one about loving what we have and being EXPLOSIVELY HAPPY, while fantasizing about what we want. FANTASIZING ABOUT IT! Not pressuring ourselves towards it. It will come. Be happy, and then follow your intuition, and KNOW, that your instincts will ALWAYS lead you down the path towards a state of HIGHER VIBRATIONAL ENERGY and AWARENESS.
If any desire you have right now is causing you pain, CUT IT OUT."

...Something tells me I need to share that with Chaos.
But there's a block, that stupid metal barrier between my heart and the world, and especially him. What is that??
You know what, I forgot to mention that too, didn't I. When I was upstairs talking to Eros the other day, the Sage-guy specifically said that although Spectrum slots don't literally correspond to "energy points," they hold a lot of those qualities and CAN check the body health of those if they wish. And according to Sage-guy, we were seriously overlooking the health of our heart-- our "emotional center" in any case-- because I didn't exactly love myself unconditionally. Which is kind of a prerequisite. And I thought I DID! But now, hearing what Laurie has to say... I'm wondering if I'm not just lying to myself. Blinding myself with these sparkles and rainbows. "Everything is pretty and perfect." But it IS, to me, it really is... even if that means completely disregarding the darker points of reality. I was abused. I never forgave myself for it. There are tons of alters downstairs that exist just to siphon that trauma off me, the core. And I feel horribly guilty for that, but my Care-Bear mindset is preventing me from acknowledging any difficulties here.
"Life is a cosmic dream," these spiritual "gurus" say. "Forgive the murderers-- because they don't really exist." But... does that mean ignoring the fact that they murdered someone? Because that is essentially what I am doing upstairs, and I cannot tell if that's "right" or not. Heck, even without the universal label... I can't even tell if it's right for me.
I don't even know who I am anymore. It's tough, in a system. It's tough.
We've got all these people who are technically splinters of one original person. It started with four, now there are over 50 of us. How did that happen?
And I feel so young, I'm not even a year old, but there's this one guy up here who insists we've been together for 10 years and I KNOW that's true on some level but I can't remember it. I don't remember it.
What happened to that life, that he said he had with me? Who was I, back then? Where did those memories go? Who loves him now?
And why does the rain still tear my heart to pieces? It's like I'm supposed to remember something, but I don't. It means something, but I don't understand. And it hurts.

"If any desire gives you pain, cut it out."
I understand that. Stop "wanting" things, that's not a good move. But... I've never "wanted" anything. I have no goals in life, no passions, no interests, no drives. I don't want anything. I just don't.
Is that bad? Is that what I'm supposed to be doing?
Ironically, I guess that's not entirely true. All my life, I have wanted something. Just one thing. I wanted to be a "good person."
You see where that's brought me, huh.

I'm thinking too much.

"What is once created, with love and honor, never ceases to exist."

Whatever I've lost, or forgotten, or abandoned, is still there. Somehow.
If it was true, and real, then it exists still.

They say you only experience exactly what you need, when you need it.

So we need this. I'll see where it takes me.

 

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@ 02:17 pm

 

 

DUDE THE SYNCHRONICITY IS STARTING UP AGAIN.
I JUST REALIZED TWO THINGS.

One, the USERNAME OF THIS GUY.
For the past 6 years that photo has meant a lot to me personally, and it was one of the main things I associated with 070711 when it happened. AND GUESS WHO ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE OF THAT EVENT.
Just... it's in parentheses, for heaven's sake, almost like an afterthought. "Oh, by the way..."
I have no idea why I never realized that before.

And then, entirely out of the blue, for heaven knows what reason, I remembered THIS.
First, LOOK AT THE DATE.
Then, take a look at these lines. I am dead serious when I say I am tearing up.
"I love Laurie, though. Honest. She's... almost like a best friend, but far too cruel to truly be one."
Go figure, honestly.
But this is the line that brought me to this entry in the first place.
"Neither of us were 'ourselves' last night... he was a starry black, smaller version of Perfect, and I was a shapeless white form of the same liquid-esque makeup. Apparently I represented "order," fittingly enough."
And then of course, that was one of those "semi-lucid" environments I was just talking about this morning.
"...at one point, I hit semi-lucidity: where you feel aware and present in your mind enough to be lucid, but you don't recognize it as seperate from your current reality... I was standing in a vast, empty black area as I sometimes do, when all of a sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder. Surprised, I turned around and noticed that Chaos was standing there, with one of the most desperately disconnected expressions I've seen on him in a while. And he said something to me then...
"Please, come back. We got so far last night...""

Ouch. The universe is being extra loud today, I see.

Now I'm tempted to ask "wtf was that," but I was honestly just told earlier today, stop asking "what the heck" and start asking "how the heck." So I will!
The reasons why that happened aren't important here. What IS important is the fact that that tiny dream recollection, FROM JULY 7TH 2008, mirrors the current B/W situation, but with different people. Except I was still White, a color I never really held until this past year, and Chaos was in a "starry black" form that was not a Soul Form for obvious reasons.
So how do we use this info? I don't know yet. But it feels hopeful.


Hm. Just realized that the old term of "unhinging" was actually referring to dissociation, too. Laurie was intermittently fronting at the time, but I called it "jumping into my consciousness." Julie's long-term fronting was completely overlooked; I must have thought I was possessed or something for a while. Who knows.
It's creepy though. The entire vibe of these entries is strikingly "not me." It's like reading the words of a stranger. Obviously the red 2008 Jewel, but I never knew her, obviously. Laurie did, Julie did, Lynne and Nathaniel did before they died. And all the Outspacers did.

Why am I wasting time looking at all this old stuff? Am I wasting time? It just feels wrong, looking back at those harsh and angry words that she would regularly burn into cybernetic pages. Red on black, all the time. And now I have a fondness for white on aqua. Go figure, huh?


...I guess now is a good time to reiterate my biggest personal problem, though.
I keep feeling like I am spiritually obligated to let go of headspace, and everyone in it, entirely. Like I should just abandon that entire life, and the past 10+ years, because I no longer need to live that. But is that correct? Or am I being misled?
I've stopped really giving the question thought, as that just gets confusing, but whenever I "follow my heart" on the matter I end up right here. Stuck between being there and not being there. There's no movement in either direction... but the instinctual inclination is NOT to go back to the people I've loved for most of my life... it's to leave, forever.

I'm tired of this. I don't want to deal with headspace today. It's too draining right now.

 

 

 

I just finished Off.
What a spectacular game.

I'm still in emotionless mode, but there was one little second in the last scene where I thought I was going to cry-- the silent tearing-up kind, not the sobbing kind. So it found a chink in my armor. I didn't tear up, but I found that sudden possibility noteworthy.

"You have not purified this place. You have destroyed, eradicated it. You have immersed it into a pristine nothingness."
"It's better like that."

How marvelously depressing, that I would identify so strongly with the destroyer of worlds.

"Taste my holy wrath, corrupt souls...
I'm here to make you atone for your sins."

This is my current favorite picture of The Batter and Hugo.
I think it's obvious as to why.

I keep thinking back to February 24th... or whenever it was... the incomplete "scratch." My attempt at setting the switch of my reality to "OFF."
It didn't work then, not entirely.
I don't know if I should try again.
"Should" is the key word.


Infinitii's necklace came in the mail today.
I don't even remember who he is.

I don't remember a lot of things.

I'm very tired. The angry voices won't be quiet.
I feel as if I'm drowning in a sea of righteous rage.
I feel as if I deserve every single punishment I bring upon myself.
All the blood, all the pain, all of the despair... it is all delivered justly.


I'm the one swinging the baseball bat, insisting on my holy role,
when in fact, I'm the one who needs purification most of all.


Bis Vincit, Qui Se Vincit In Victoria.