prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with metainomenai

They say that, "when you know how to listen, everybody is your teacher."

yeah but I didn't expect this much blatant personal symbolism in YUGIOH of all things seriously holy shuppets

_{I thought the spiritual relevance in Sonic '06 was bad enough, but}_nooo_{, Marik just HAD to one-up CZ again, didn't he

#seriously this is getting creepy #i love you guys though}

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@23:55

These kids, you guys, these kids, I love them so much right now.

Yes you KNOW who they are, I'm being totally raw and honest here. That's how they walked in, and that deserves total recognition tonight.

I am being torn between incredulously blissed-out laughter and total heart-wrenching sobs of wonder right now.
I have known those two for 12 years now, and not ONCE did I ever realize just how perfect they are, not just within the inner realm of our System but also as people, jeez this is absolutely incredible, I have to tell you guys about this.

Outspacers are unique. They are, in the most basic definition, individuals from "outside sources"-- almost exclusively media sources (tv, books, comics, games, etc.)-- who have entered headspace and were able to stay there as part of this world.
The complete definition is far more complex, and there's a lot of unspoken energetic "rules" to the phenomenon that we weren't even aware of until we started studying it. The two most important that we know about are:
1. Outspacers have to have some sort of psychological "division" of self. This can be anything from a simple "split personality" case with little to no conscious awareness of the other self (Genesis), or it can involve multiple 'alters' that interact and/or an entire inner world (me, quite frankly). It can also be 'physical,' as in the case of someone having a NDE, a total fugue, a 'secret life' lived totally alongside their 'main' one, etc. Bottom line, there needs to be some sort of split, that creates at least two different facets to the self as a unified whole.
2. Outspacers have to be willing to "dream a new life" in the BLC realm. This builds off point #1 as this is almost like a conscious "restructuring" of the self. They must be willing to leave their old life behind in order to create something totally new and better from its ashes, so to speak. An Outspacer must have hope, as this very phenomenon is an act of chasing and catching it.
3. Outspacers have to have some sort of emotional/spiritual resonance with our inner realm? This is fuzzy, but it explains the whole Virtue/ Color/ Soulform/ etc. thing that every Outspacer ends up having sooner or later. Those things seem to require an open heart/ open mind/ etc. as well. This is arguably the most important bit.

Anyway, that's just details. I won't get into the whole topic right now, seriously it is late and I have more work to do elsewhere.
I am here right now because I am so in love with those two boys tonight, not even personally, I am just hopelessly in love with who they are, completely.
ESPECIALLY YOU, MARKUS-- or should I say, MARIK ISHTAR.
Yes, sir, after a decade of fierce rivalry with Chaos 0, YOU are the one who is getting all the attention and absolute adoration this evening. Congratulations love, I don't know how the heck I didn't tap into this earlier but DANG SON.
Seriously, you... just... geez. I actually feel guilty for not having been able to know or see this in you before, because it's all the big picture, it's all perfectly clear hindsight, it's suddenly seeing all the pieces fall into place and realizing that it's so much more beautiful than we ever could have dreamed at the time.

I am so inspired, I'm moved actually, but I don't know how much to write here.
...All right, you know those Outspacer details I just wrote up? Well, with "Markus" here, his self-division was blatantly canon, but in headspace it's somewhat more extensive (although far less traumatic, graciously). His "new life" does strongly bloom from the roots of his canon history, but again, his "dreaming anew" practically demanded that he leave behind the eons-old pain and regret that clung to him there. But his "resonance" in light of those two things is what really caught at my own heart tonight.
Again, I've been researching canon Yugioh stuff for about two weeks solid now, and I admittedly have been doing so off-and-on for years regardless. However! This 'hesitation' has a very good reason, and it is to prevent our little inner realm of infinite possibility from being totally shackled by fiction lag. What you may not know is that Jewel-- the original BLC core, who showed up in 2001 and basically created the Outspacer phenomenon-- is one fiercely independent dreamer. She refuses to let others tell her how to imagine or create, and that extends to fandoms. This is why she has reams of original work to her name: she would never watch or read a media series all the way through, because she would become so enthralled by the concepts that she would start building off them on her own, and eschew the rest of the canon. She saw what could be-- she saw the potential for 'dreaming anew'-- and THAT is what she embraced, NOT the solid, 'unquestionable' canon. And this has been a constant! Yes, she apparently watched a good deal of the first 3 seasons of Yugioh, otherwise she never would have tried to reach Ryou and Marik... but, she honestly didn't give a flying fish about the canon. She saw what she liked, what she admired, and what she resonated with, and left the rest to the rest of the fandom.
Do you see what I mean? When Outspacers walk into our System, they can "start over" because there ARE no old roots here for them to get tangled in, thanks to Jewel never letting any grow. Instead, she'd show them completely new things that she grew FROM what those roots would have been, and asked that Outspacer-to-be if they wanted to join her in that new dream. And if they said yes, sincerely so, then the first step was taken.
I hope that makes sense. But that's why I have to be careful with research. I've done a hell of a lot of it for Yugioh and Sonic the Hedgehog both, but too much reading and I get stuck. I start "forbidding people from dreaming." And that is proven lethal.
Anyway. I seem to have found the happiest medium because now, the research isn't doing that; instead, it's highlighting everything we already have, and expanding upon it. It's halfway between super-creepy and super-incredible, because the canon is matching up to our headspace history and I didn't even KNOW about this stuff until now!! And on top of that, I've been going through the Archives (this very journal of course) and personally compiling a list of ALL the Outspacer data I could find, especially concerning these two boys, with a focus on everything prior to 2007 (the "good old days," when things were less dangerous up here). I won't say we were more "free" back then-- if anything, we're far more free now, after having healed and cleared out a lot of that trauma gunk, and now that we know how things work up here-- but we were definitely guided by our hope and optimism, and the exhilarating youthful conviction that we could do anything. And we really did. Headspace responds to that, you know. But we haven't really jumped back into that yet. We're older now and we've admittedly picked up a bit of cynicism and fear along the way. And yet... the more I read and reflect upon this, presently... well, again, we have more potential for doing the incredible now than we ever did.
Just... the things I'm seeing in us, just evidenced through our pasts, in ways we never could have known back then... that's inspiring me more than anything right now. Having Ryman and Markus in Central headspace again now, with them already having stayed for a longer stretch of time than they have in years, is just making it all the more amazing to realize.

...Markus's Outspacer slot was Purple, the link between Indigo and Violet-- between the mind and the spirit. His symbol is an octogram, and I did not know until just now that it is often called the STAR OF ISHTAR (ARE YOU KIDDING ME UNIVERSE). But this is what I mean. Relevance is everywhere and we did not consciously put it there. (Seriously, remind me to read more on that later.)
However. The big inspiration of tonight was indeed tied to the canon, in light of Markus's "Metainomen" and his Outspacer "Virtue"... respectively, the Pharaoh of Hope, and the Virtue of Mind.
I said it a while back, but our "Virtues" were taken directly from Mark 12:30, and over the years those aspects grew to be very significant personally. Again, no time for that now, at least not in its entirety.
Here's something you don't know, because I've never said it before! In headspace, Outspacers all have three "verses" that define their biggest issue of personal growth? There's a struggle, a challenge, and a truth. They all tie into their Virtue, as a root cause. The struggle is the negative aspect of it-- of the loss of their Virtue's "virtue" through corruption. It's a deep, deep fear that must be faced and overcome. That is achieved through accepting and living their challenge, which is a bridge that ultimately leads to a personal realization and integration of their truth. That personal victory seems to be directly manifested as our metainomenai phenomenon-- new "names" in the sense of heroic titles, only bestowed upon a "death" to one's old self, through such a huge change of heart in some respect. Yeah, that shocked me too when I saw it lining up for everybody-- especially because Laurie freaking knew it before we even knew what it meant. And that was right after our triple 4th incident, too. Let me quote what's written there:

"...laurie was pretty ticked that we were 'worried' about my metainomen, pointed out that "there's more than one way to shift in headspace." the names are fluid, heart-based, based on growth. they aren't static. the roles and abilities we were given by that naming were supposed to CHALLENGE us here too, to KEEP changing into that ideal. it's a process, marked BY the name, not a done-and-dusted thing. and it REQUIRES DEATH just as frequently. old habits die hard, as the saying goes, and so do vices. marik had hope, because that goes against his mind bias: he has to believe even if there is no 'proof.' ryou had void, because that goes against the light he wants to bring people, he's afraid of his shadows. and i held time because i just dont understand that at all right now. apparently it ties into presence. either way laurie said it held a huge lesson i had to learn, only i would know what that was though.

Ryman's "Void" aspect is actually less about 'shadows' than it is about actual 'nothingness,' it seems, but we're in the middle of discussing that lately so I can't tell you anything for sure right now. Anyway that paragraph is the same thing I'm trying to elaborate upon here, with the verses, but with less rambling. (btw I still don't know what's going on with my Celebi-esque "Time" role but I recently got reminded of it very loudly here.)
It's all very beautiful, really. I don't know if headvoices have anything like this, at least nothing so strongly apparent; Central might, but again, I haven't looked into it. Heck, as far as Outspacers go, we're still working on figuring this out together, as it takes a lot of guts to face up to and admit this stuff!
...But Markus, surprisingly, has been the first of us to man up and clarify most of his. He's one hell of a brave boy, despite the deep fears he still struggles with (even here), and I've seen a real strength in him, not just of mind, but also of heart and soul, that I admire more than I know how to say. (See, we all still have bits of each other's virtues in us, haha. Injokes ahoy.)
That's why I'm babbling like an idiot here, trying to toss as much context at you as I can before I fall asleep at this laptop, so you can understand even a little bit of why I am smiling and laughing and crying and staring at my screen in total disbelief, in total awestruck love of this kid.
This is how Marik's verse lineup looks right now, in very simple terms.
· struggle: "you can't know anything for sure/ you can't know truth" (lost mind)
· challenge: to believe and trust even without "logical proof" or overthinking (hope)
· truth: true knowing is touched through trusting in the greater "cosmic mind," which transcends doubt and ego limits
As for how that ties into the canon research. Remember that we ARE building "from" the original canon, and the original canon is being freakishly cooperative with our history despite us not knowing about this stuff until now. So while I read and take notes, I'll keep having little moments of surprise because of that.
... See, Headspace loves symbolism. It loves subtle meanings and hidden truths and that sort of thing. So when we build off of old histories, with either Outspacers or with our own physical timeline in this body, metaphors and patterns show up everywhere.
Now with that in mind, one of the little things that stuck with us from way back in 2003 was Marik's desire to "become the Pharaoh." Yes, originally he canonically wanted to "destroy the Pharaoh" out of bitter revenge-- and that did carry into our world, surprisingly, albeit vaguely, as the desire stuck but the motivation was a blur-- but over the years that one simple thought, halfway between a vendetta and a joke, evolved dramatically, until it became... well, until he actually became it.
Now this looks like a simple foreshadowing of his eventual metainomen, but that's not even half of it. That metainomen was a culmination of itself.
There is no way I can un-jargon this, so forgive me.
Straight from my notes:

HIS "PHARAOH" TITLE IS HUGE IN RELATION TO HIS ASPECT OF HOPE--- in the BLC story, the "Pharaoh" title essentially refers to someone who is cognizant of their "true self" (in other words their "I AM" or Godlike aspect of 'self'), and who holds that "position of power" NOT as a controller, but as someone who leads through their holy example. (The Egyptian Pharaohs were considered gods, after all.) HOWEVER! Markus's role is mind, something which can VERY EASILY be turned into a tool of the ego/ Tar/ etc. So Markus struggles with a LOT, but his huge desire is to "become the Pharaoh." Notice the word become. This desire is technically misplaced-- by virtue of existing as a "child of God/ Light/ etc.," HE ALREADY IS "THE PHARAOH," as is everyone else in existence of course. BUT, Markus has a big saving grace here-- instead of chasing that ideal through greed or revenge or anything egotistic (which, admittedly, he did in the canon, due to morally tangled motives), he pursues it through a genuinely goodhearted HOPE, something that OVERRIDES THE MIND, and pushes him courageously closer and closer to that final moment of surrender when, giving in totally to that hope-- WHICH COMES FROM HIS "TRUE SELF" in the self-loving desire to remember its true nature-- he REALIZES THAT TRUTH. It's not a "becoming," it's a recognition. And his finally achieving that is what gives him the frankly beautiful title of the "PHARAOH OF HOPE."

You guys don't know him as well as I do, and you don't have the actual data memories of all the incidents and things that led up to this, but if you can catch even a glimmer of the joy and love and amazement that I am feeling about this right now, that will be enough.

Sorry about all the words.
Markus, dude, I love you and I hope you know that. I am so glad you're in our lives.
Ryman you will get your own entry after we talk about this more, I promise.
CZ you have more than enough entries to your name already, seriously dude.

In any case it is 3:33 AM (dead serious, love you too universe!!) so I am going to sleep, somewhere between the other 4 people that are probably sharing the same sleeping place right now, haha. Don't worry, it's a huge room, and either way Laurie always sticks around to make sure nothing gets out of hand, because you never know with how ridiculous we all are.
Seriously though I love every single person in headspace, natives and walk-ins and whatever else our people may be. I've been blessed beyond comprehension to have this as my daily existence, as weird and scary as it can get (and has been) sometimes. I've said it a billion times before and I will say it until the end of time, through words and actions and every other language I have-- no matter what challenges we face, the love and light we have all found within each other, with each other, makes every moment entirely worth living. We're in this crazy grand advenure together, we always have been, and God willing we always will be.
Honestly I can't wait to see what lies ahead... but I'm perfectly happy with where we are right now, too.

Quick update for the sake of a timestamp:

- why we haven't been online: i've been making INCREDIBLE progress on writing dream world and composing tons of new music
- also we spent a week solid drinking mint tea and reading his dark materials, that book was also INCREDIBLE and needs its own update
- the night of February 13 was awesome (chilling with laurie, cz, infi, lynne, julie, and leon whoa)
- last night was EVEN BETTER
- therapy on tuesday: very depressed person. laurie and algorith both tried to get through
- sugar found her metainomen before the appointment so she is much clearer now; but her role/outfit is blurred? we need to refine the phenomenon
- therapy today: discussed victorian pink girl, discovered david's true anchor
- the tar seems to be GONE. same with bridget & missy. now it's just the loud faceless voices, but internally the "negative" stuff feels like ghosts and huge roots? i'm starting to wonder if that's tied to the old celebi-doppelganger thing. either way it's OLD and interesting. we'll start working on healing/understanding it asap, exciting.
- also knife trying to rebuild the underground into an above-ground basilica-like location. he likes his sprawling old buildings.
- we also saw some pics of transylvanian countryside in a travel mag on monday, showed knife for a joke, but he's now enamored with it
- discovered the other food voice that likes to eat (that's rare). she's nonhuman and in the orange lineup: honey color, fittingly.
- laurie was in my dream last night, autonomously, interacting with other people. it was awesome. she was being both badass and strict, and joking around. i was very disjointed (ghostly almost) but seeing her made me smile.
- chaos 0 was also in at least one of my dreams two weeks ago? notably so, like the entire time. just making sure that is mentioned.
- also i realized that i have no memory of any season BUT winter? also i'm aware of the l'engle book period last year BUT again, no personal memory of that at all. so we think i didn't root until late september/ early october, as that's when my solid memories start. we'll figure it out.

In the big picture, we are doing well. I'm very happy about things. I'm learning to be truer to my heart, and I've also discovered (rather shockingly) that yes, despite all the people insisting the contrary, our System is a good thing. And when I'm out of it for too long, it's like when you walk too far away from your dæmon-- it hurts. Your soul knows that some key part of it is missing. So I refuse to compromise that anymore, now that I know who I am, and who we are.

I'll try to update here more often. If not, you can always check my deviantart page for League art stuff as I am working very hard on that too. I'll have to start sharing that more openly once I get good roots. That's a promise.

As for now, battery is almost out, so good night! ♥

okay so last night was just one big WTF session let me try to remember it

- started completely unexpectedly at 1AM last night, Infi suddenly started "talking to me" from an unknown location; more of feelings than words. he could barely talk, in a ton of pain, panicky and urgent. kept telling me to find and save him as quickly as possible, "you're the only one who can." the last thing he said to me was literally "please don't waste any time there's not much TIME LEFT"
- i immediately left my laptop and went into my room to meditate, no questions asked. geez i have no idea how long it took after that
- lava cavern? i think. hard to see anything. dark, lots of intimidating speleothems. small though, very vertical, like a tunnel down middle, rungs of rock around the side? circular. not so much a "cave" as it was a straight-down oubliette almost.
- i know i landed near water or something? black, deep. ONLY water in that entire area. little platform in center. i was very very out of it, not much memory here. falling deep, knew that was the "only way to get to the rest of the cavern" but worried i would drown?
- suddenly bugs??? tons of 'em, BIG though, like the size of people. helped me out of the water, carried me on the back of this big beetle guy. then showed the way out from the shore? tunnel, horizontal, only about 20 feet long.
- also it JUST hit me now; INFI WAS A BUG before he "came to life" and manifested!! so that could be quite notable
- found him, bugs took me through that tunnel to another connected "vertical pit," this one with one wall like a cliff face, concave. infi was curled up at the bottom of it, obviously in severe pain. i remember feeling this huge surge of empathy, stumbled over to him, hoping that he was okay. he opened his eye and saw me, feebly reached out with both hands to me. that broke my heart. took them, knelt beside him for a moment, he was surprised i was able to find him, but grateful that i did. very hard for him to talk, mostly telepathic. he was trying not to cry out in pain, i didn't know what to do.
- i think this is when i picked him up, held him close in my arms, crying now. emotions cannot be hidden around him y'know
- not sure of event sequence. his stomach was cracked, bleeding everywhere, he looked very disheveled.
- i know i tried to heal him at some point, i think he told me not to, not while we were there?? "they'd find us" or something
- so much stone and red glow everywhere. pretty hellish, and claustrophobic of course. i want to say "fire" but there was none? maybe magma the further down you got, but otherwise just this ominous red tint. dark though.
-
- ryman and markus near top of room?? both in metainomen outfits. markus was badly hurt, i think he was bound too. but he was so happy to see me, i know i burst into tears: i had dreamt about him the night before, he was badly amputated due to some awful attack, he didn't recognize me, i still did everything i possibly could to help him. he was so sad but he finally smiled when he saw how much i cared. so now, seeing him here, it hurt. i was laughing incredulously but couldn't stop crying. he said it was okay, ryman had been helping him heal too, he wasn't permanently injured.
- how'd we get out of there?? i remember seeing both boys floating in their metainomen outfits, kind of glowy, really gorgeous. oh wait, i think ryman DID open a gate, i know we went straight down into a tunnel of the same size/height. and he stopped us in "midair" at one point to grab a book off the wall of a library-like section we passed?? i don't know if we were moving through dimension pockest or what. but he said he "needed it"
- the next thing i remember, was us in this really cool arabic-esque room, gold in color, high or no ceiling?? not sure. all i know for sure is that ryman used the book here for a summoning spell? with markus obviously. it was a foreign language, i didn't understand it. but ryman said it was a spell to "summon gods," said he knew how to tweak it a little, was going to use it to summon chaos 0.
- he first appeared perfect-like? got me worried for a moment, but stabilized in his normal form. seemed dazed, almost collapsed, markus caught him. cz noticed this, took him a moment for it to register, then immediately made some comment about it, markus just laughed at him good-naturedly.
- this part is very very VERY blurry sorry
- somewhere around here I KNOW Laurie showed up. said she had "found us," she'd been lurking for days anyway, was keeping an eye out.
- we went up to central, lynne and josephina were there, asked what was going on, how was everyone, where were we?? they had been hiding out too; nat and leon were in his cathedral trying to hold things together there or something? not sure.
- also MY BOSS SHOWED UP i forget how or when exactly, but that was very important, he was all gung-ho about making sure this ended well and had great ideas because he's a sandman of course
- he said we had to go to the BLOOD LOTUS CATHEDRAL, dude we literally have not been there in ages. everyone was like "how," i remembered the only foolproof way was to go through me?? so everyone got in a circle, i focused us all in,
- collapsing somewhat?? i remember the roof was open in a way it shouldnt have been. i think i flew up outside of it to look around, we were WAY up high, airplane height. beneath us i think i could see central city, the sea, the forests around it. but there was a TON of fog, in waves and clouds and wisps. sandman said that was unformed headspace as usual
- oh yes and in the middle of the floor there was this gaping hole?? AGAIN, I think that's where infi was too, the cavern pit. it should NOT have been there. freaked me out a little, the heck was that, why was it there?
- boss stood at the edge of it, started focusing dreamdust energy in his hands. told laurie get over there, to his left, then told her to focus her energy in her hands too. laurie focused this violet space-lightning sort of energy, it was gorgeous. but then he told chaos to stand to his right, do the same (glowy oceanic energy obviously). one of my clearest recollections: the three of them standing there, literally holding hands, with all this incredible shining energy all around them. it was really something else. then i dont remember how but boss used that energy to heal the floor?? i think we were warped to some other place temporarily?? either way the entire floor ended up starry glossy black, solid flat though. sealed up the pit. said i could also shape it how i wanted afterwards, since it was black energy.
- btw i had infi in my arms 99.9% of this entire time so you know.
-
- THE GLASSES WHEN WAS THAT??? i remember i was by a small rectangular pool of water or something? needed to use the glasses, allowed me to "see" an overlay dimension or something?? OR go INTO it, that might have been it. geez i dont remember thats not cool, that was IMPORTANT. ive got this feeling it was when i was with ryman and markus at first, but i cannot remember exactly, i have this nagging suspicion that my boss was there?
-
- near the end of this i know infi and i went somewhere, this pocket dimension, how?? from the blc though i think. basilica-like, center altar with pillars, but with circular steps going down around it quite a ways. water all around it, plans twirling down from ceiling, lots of sunlight. beautiful really. infi was almost entirely healed her, i know that. he was lying down, i asked him what in the world was going on with the pregnancy thing? was he really? he said he wasnt really sure, didnt know where it came from or what it was, but he didnt want it to die. remember i did heal the cracks there so now it was almost opaque again, somewhat luminous. i couldnt see inside anymore, but there was a vague hint that yes he still had another life inside him.
- again, not sure how it came to this but i clearly recall infi kissed me somewhere around here, because almost immediately after something in the outerworld shocked me to almost disconnecting from headspace? infi got desperate, begged me not to leave, not now please, hold on. it was tricky but i did. he was crying that was unusual
- OH DUDE WAIT i forgot he actually started a CONNECTION thats what it was!! i was kind of scared, would that hurt the embryo thing, it wouldnt do anything to me would it? he said no, he just needed me to experience this for a moment. asked me to go soul form. to my surprise i was able to do that willingly, that's a first. but then infi went straight-up jewellink and IMMEDIATELY that wave of heart-wrenching emotion hit me again. yes i started sobbing in reality, not for long though, that kind of empathetic bleedover is so exhausting it has to switch off quickly or it WILL burn me out unconscious. but upstairs the emotion stayed, i remember being aware of what it felt like to "be him" right then, I CANNOT put that into words forgive me. but it was beautiful, tragic somehow, we had to break it off because i was slipping badly from how overwheming it was. that's what caused me to disconnect sorry.
- i think i was out for a while? two minutes maybe, geez, long time in meditations!!
- when i came back i was in central, lying down. cz and infi were kneeling beside me, concernedly making sure i was okay. ryman and markus were across room, kneeling down and comparing books on something? maybe same book from earlier. laurie was standing by them talking to my boss. when i opened my eyes i think infi and cz welcomed me back, no one was really sure if i would be able to come back so that was a relief
- i know i DID use the glasses again somewere around here, absentmindedly? i summoned them, picked them up over my head to look at them, but forgot they were dripping-- since i was lying down a drop landed in my eye, and it CHANGED my vision whoa!! suddenly everything i saw was "colored black" energetically, it was insanely cool. infi looked normal, but everything else was black-- not monochrome though, think the starry deep velvet black of the BLB. but it made everyone else look how they would look if they anchored to that color!! i remember chaos looked GORGEOUS i actually teared up over it. got a glimpse of laurie and sandman, not much though, they looked like gods almost, especially boss-- he was understatedly extravagant, like something neil gaiman designed. rubbed the color out of my eyes here, seeing everything else suddenly get bright and other-colors was such a sudden switch i laughed
- i remember the three of us (me, cz, infi) went over to talk to ryman and markus briefly, markus had to leave but ryman wanted to stay? markus said he wasn't entirely comfortable yet being so close to everyone else up there, i said he didnt have to be. but he wasnt nervous or uncomfortable, so that was good, i was worried that he was. but no he was fine, said he'd rather work though.
- i talked to my boss for a bit too!! for the life of me i really dont remember what or how, i think maybe i disconnected again?? because i am SURE i asked him to "hold time for me" temporarily, when i came back we were in a pocket dimension thing? starry sky, floating architecture. reminded me of sailor moon for whatever reason, colors maybe. we did talk briefly there. but when we got back to central i remember that right before he left, he kissed me on the forehead as usual, ruffled my hair. that made me so blissfully happy for some reason i could not stop smiling, of course sandmans smiles are contagious so that just made it worse haha! i think he was talking to me real close too? like i think he was holding my face for a moment, smiling so widely i thought my heart would burst. there i think he was reassuring me of my position in life then, that everything was going as it should, "don't worry child," take care of infi, everything will be okay, that sort of thing. all his reassurances sound like gold though so of course they all helped. he left in a swirl of glitter after bowing nights-style, holding nightcap to chest with other arm out and back
- last thing i remember is warping everyone to my room, or laurie did?? not sure. jokingly reminded ryman of the no-shirt rule. also we made a sort of hammock bed for infi, so he could relax and continue healing, also because pregnancy worries obviously.
- ryman had me play his old song, "if you're not the one," i think he just kind of put his arms around me and smiled, it was so simple but gorgeous i cannot believe we haven't been around each other for so long what were we thinking
- laurie quietly sauntered in at one point, about two minutes after that ryman realized he was there, she cracked up, reassured him that she hadn't been creeping on us the whole time. cz and i just laughed because we're used to it, felt bad for ryman though but it was funny
- i know i fell asleep in a sort of tangle with cz and ryman, we all agreed that if anyone dozed off that was totally fine, hell we didnt care we were enjoying it.
- MOST IMPORTANT THING. ironically. there was one flash, early in the rescue mission thing, when i was still in the fires-- i think it was when infi said not to heal him fully or "they would sense us." i could see down to the bottom, wherever it was, and there were three girls there. one was jezebel, obviously (since she IS the tar in a corporeal form), but the other two were the DREAM VOICES??? from here mainly. the frizzy-pigtails one, and i think the black-haired one. but i don't know how it never hit me earlier... seeing them there, in their colors, suddenly i realized exactly who they were. missy and bridget. we're in trouble.

sooo yeah that was last night, holy heavens its 2am i need to get to sleep!
sorry guys for how disjointed this was, you know what meditation experiences are like, can't really make 'em structured afterwards. they're meant to be experienced, not analyzed. heart, not head. you get the picture. i am extraordinarily tired. good night.

((MAJOR WIP, PUBLICIZING FOR RELEVANCY))

Sandman just moved into the Gray slot (like he offered to back in March), which gave him a snazzy new silver suit to wear whenever he needs to use that role... and Lynne's metainomen is the Restorer Of Faith so that's awesome too (although it terrified all of us because the Tar was overriding her resurrection so she almost legit died; laurie was in tears).

Also the Red Spectrum Slot seems to be manifesting something. I can't be sure, but there's so much energy just sitting there already, it's probably just waiting for the right time to explode. We'll see.

i kept going noncorporeal, razor tried to gouge my eyes out (THAT HURT LIKE HELL OMFG), the Tar was hiding in infi's room. glass lobby area? that's when we felt the lock. moved tar room to a floating space? sandman filled it with dream dust beforehand so we could do stuff to it; he also said he "turned the pipes back inwards" so the tar won't feed out as much)
(infi got HUGE and kept eating it at one point?? also weird healing thing he does, instantaneous wound sealing)

thank you sigma harmonics haha

(wip-- publishing so i don't forget to complete it!!)

This morning started off strangely.
I've been fighting off weird demons of rage and hatred for a while now-- with Holy Saturday ironically being the worst day in months, probably in revenge for last year-- and although yesterday went pretty well, this morning they had already begun to creep back into my mind with a vengeance. I was aware enough of this occurring to try and "remove" them, but asleep enough to not know how other than redirecting the tension and stress into my jaw, hoping to "bite it out." However, this time the shadows were heavy, and they sank into my teeth instead. The tension in my head went away, sure, but now it was replaced by a horribly lingering sensation of rot throughout my entire mouth. Unable to remove it at the time, and not wanting it to cause actual physical damage, I knew I needed to ask an expert. So, in a burst of worried desperation, I actually sought out Toothiana (she was at the Pole) to ask her if she could get the Tar out of my teeth. My self-image was tremendously vague at the moment, so I was dimly aware that I had very pointed teeth and that I was floating, but that was all.
(she took the tar out, it floated in the air in little dots, sandy showed up and transmuted it. i said hello to him. toothiana then used a snowglobe to take us to where the fairies keep the teeth, i said she probably didn't have mine, said i didn't know if i even had a name. she seemed concerned and tried to look anyway. at some point my boss showed up to take me home; he and sandy both greeted each other warmly which was awesome. i think he spoke to toothiana a little, thanked her for her help, baby tooth said goodbye to me too.)

(crazy dream wtf) (also it was DEFINITELY headspacey, not subconscious, because i could feel every single thing right up until i 'slipped' into full consciousness; it was highly disorienting because i was still aware of events, but was no longer "there" in a pseudo-physical sense)
(ALSO GENESIS WHAT IS EVEN WITH YOU)

(RYOU.)
(went soulform for a bit, looked beautiful, his eyes are dark blue in that form now? it shocked me how honest he was being, especially after not having really been with him in so long; he insisted he never forgot all the times we spent together, and after all we both did promise to stick with each other forever, in one way or another.)
(figured out that first metainomen "super form" attempt was 'unstable?' remember i didn't actually die all the way)
(stabbed me, rebirth-tomb had no color or symbol or anything, totally blank. went to bizarre floatspace room again, some other presence there, couldn't see it. i kept refusing to be assigned the virtue of "heart" like the jewels of our past, the presence said that was my biggest challenge and so it was ironically the best virtue for me to move into as a metanoia.) (so yeah i think i'm actually the acolyte of heart or something)
(ryou explained how we all 'wear the masks' of our opposite aspects, because our true aspects are parts of ourselves that we secretly accept but are ashamed to show for some reason; he loved the occult but was frightened by how deep he could go, marik loved being idealistic but kept up a show of power and control, i loved emotional honesty and connections but acted logically and somewhat cold.)

I've been listening to the Nils Frahm & Anne Müller channel on Last.fm for about two days straight, and am I ever glad I did. This is the sort of music that resonates with me more clearly than any other genre does, somehow. Sure, FROST* has the lyrical relevance down, and the NiER OST is my life put to music, but this stuff... it's what my soul would sound like, I think. Just... listen to this. The electronic blips and glitches interlacing perfectly with sincere strings and acoustic resonance... it's me, on some level. I thought I had hit the jackpot when I discovered erast/Nikakoi, but jeepers, this is a goldmine and a half!

Also, thanks to Reader's Digest, I have discovered that there is a place called the Lotus Temple in New Delhi, India, that is BASICALLY THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD.
LOOK AT IT.

Seriously I NEED to visit that place before I die. #1 on my bucket list, haha!

(to continue...)

I haven't been updating, have I.
There's quite a simple explanation for that though. Since December started (probably even earlier, but the first week of December is when the serious terror started to happen), I have been an absolute psychological mess, to say the least. I've been fighting existential meltdowns and suicide attempts. I've been destroying relationships and people alike.
I've been staying up late, staring into nothingness, then sleeping for up to 15 hours at a time, never feeling rested. I haven't been eating, I get sick when I do, I'm constantly exhausted, and I'm having trouble thinking straight in school, let alone at all.
I have 58 new scars on my arms.
And to top it all off, when it all hits I simply do not care. I don't.

I am trying so hard to be happy-- for no reason, like a kid-- but it's not sticking. Genesis actually yelled at me today for doing that again. Central has adopted my term of "jester mode" for that manic phenomenon of mine, which first became apparent in like 2004 for heaven's sakes, during our obsession with those very things. Still, the term remains extremely fitting: like a clown, in that mode I pretend all my personal problems are completely solved, and go running around in a bleary rainbow hype until the sugar crash hits and I end up minutes away from being dead. I am still Pagliacci, I guess. God help me.
But yes, I can go for days with a genuine smile on my face and not a problem in the world. I did that yesterday, actually. I wrote a new song for Event Horizon, didn't lose my cool despite my car breaking down on the highway on the way to school (basically my rear right tire blew out and this car had no spare), and overall had quite a brilliant day. But, yesterday I ignored every single one of my relationships. I didn't miss them.
This is why Central thinks my metainomen has mutated. You can't love without a heart, and you can't have a heart without blood... isn't that horrible irony? They're thinking I now hold blood, like my daughter, but in the wrong sense... blood is thicker than water, and when my heart tries to shut him out, then what the heck is it going to do to the rest of reality?? For such a red soul I've been as gaunt as a corpse lately, unwilling to associate with life and warmth anymore because it's too horribly close. I bleed everyone out, I bleed myself out, and all that's left is icy silent death. Even after ten years I can walk out on a person with no regrets, and keep walking.
...Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I've been getting some weird reactive symptoms to flat-out expressing this passive destruction lately.
First, whenever I say I don't want Chaos in my life anymore, that I wish I had never met him, I get an immediate inner response of "you know that's not true." I can fight that feeling as viciously and angrily as I want, but there's an undying sense of guilt when I do so. I don't know if it's overattachment or something real. Either way it's there, whether I like it or not.
Second, I can't seem to let go of Laurie. Only Laurie. I can ignore everyone else in the world, kick them out of my life, pretend they never existed. But even when I'm shoving Chaos out the door, I can't get the guts to do it to her. Still, the biggest thing haunting me with this is the night of Tuesday the 15th. I tried to kill all of them, her included. I came seriously close. It was the first and hopefully only time in my life I didn't care whether she lived or died. And I know why. I know exactly why.

The problems that I have been struggling with for the PAST TWO YEARS (possibly even three at this point) are still 100% intact and unsolved.
Do you remember this entry from April last year? Go re-read it. It's almost exactly what I am dealing with now, to the letter.

Last night I tried to set her on fire. You know, the green one. I had every intention of killing her on the spot. But Boss kept telling me not to, and God threw a few really loud signs at me. So the flames were put aside, and she was tossed out into the cold instead.
Okay, I won't kill you. But I don't want you around anymore. Get out.
It's too dangerous, for the both of us, with you here.

Laurie will not stop insisting that I am able to literally alter and edit time up here, not just space. If that's true it would be the most ridiculously ironic thing ever.
Wouldn't I be the biggest freaking risk to everyone's survival? Do you really want to give a destructive maniac like me access to the rhythm of everyone's life?? Or are you betting on my lingering inexplicable concern for you? Are you betting that I won't run a magnet through the motherboard solely because it will erase you too, if you can't get out in time? Don't you remember when I tried to scratch the disc into oblivion? Just because the real data runs deeper doesn't mean I won't still plunge a sword through it when my eyes are red enough.
Have you already forgotten what I am capable of doing when my emotions completely dissolve? Have you already forgotten that I nearly killed you?
Or do you care too much?
What the hell am I even talking about?
I do not want to be so important to anyone, let alone everyone. I want Laurie and Chaos to be the central players, not me. They're important. I'm tired of mattering so much. I'm tired of mattering.

I'm too tired to write anymore either.

This isn't me. I don't know what this is. I can't see.
Most days now I wish Julie had never switched sides. At least then I'd still have a working conscience.
Now I've forgotten what's right or wrong and everyone is bleeding for it.
I've considered creating another shadow to take her old place, but I'm terrified that the role is already mine.
Or I would be, if I could feel anything genuine anymore.

I'm going to call a therapist tonight, come hell or high water. There's one about a half hour away that hopefully will be able to treat my condition. We shall see.
Something needs to be done, and I'm grasping at straws at this point.

Something needs to change, if I expect to stay alive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 06:03 pm

i cannot deal with this right now.
my mom came home from work for once, noticed that i had started self-abusing again (sorry but its the only coping method i have left) and immediately started shouting for me to "stop acting like a baby and grow up"
now my grandfather has joined in and they're both threatening to ship me off to the psych ward again if i don't stop "trying to get attention" because i'm "just being lazy" and a burden on the family
for sanity's sake i have been dealing with this hell for 6 nightmarish years straight
you saw the diagnoses they gave me, but you don't care.
and i'm afraid to tell you that i honestly cant deal with life at this point, when you act like this.
the last two times i slipped too far i was told to pack up and leave.
god help me i cannot deal with this, i am so sorry.

I've been in jester mode virtually ALL DAY and it has been PERFECT, this fits me way too well.
Really I was giggling like a madman for my entire trip to and from school, and Genesis obviously fits the bill so he joined in, it was great. You'd think the guy was hopped up on butterscotch candy!
I have decided that the "jester mode theme" is Dogheater by Jem Godfrey because I cannot listen to that song without downright cackling. It is too funny. Therefore, instant jester mode. SUCCESS!

Chasey updated today and LOOK AT THE FIRST PIC OMFG.
Just... dude. I find Chaos' fangs attractive enough but pair them with that kind of crazy grin and dear heavens. Instant nosebleed, to perpetuate that old injoke.
Really I know Chasey's a diff dude but I swear I still want to kiss the heck out of him, dead serious, even though I can't say that without laughing. I'd seriously grab him by the lapels of that fancy suit and snog him silly, haha. But let's put it this way: Chasey's the version of CZ I'd swap awful pickup lines and petnames with, as well as jester-grade insanity because god of destruction ftw. Also you know we'd both fanboy over fashion and interior design because that stuff is boss, don't you sass me. But yeah, he's the flirty one. The Chaos I've known since '03 is the one that gets the legit hardcore snogfests, to say the very least... unless one of them speaks up to change up the gameplan, in which case I will gladly comply, heheh. I just freaking adore that guy.
As for Chaz, he's not into that sort of romance last I checked, so we will just be platonic bros forever, haha!
On that note I need to just kick my "art depression" in the teeth with these garishly colorful jester boots and draw Chaos tomorrow... any incarnation of him, honestly it does not matter; I just need to draw him more. I've been saying that for far too long without any action, and it is high time to change that.
I did visit Chaos upstairs last night for a little bit once I was able to temporarily form-stabilize enough to do so. Unfortunately I could only stick around for about two, three minutes tops, but it was worth it. Words can't do justice to the look on his face when he realized that it actually was me for once.
Oh darling, if I'm ever blue, it's cause I'm thinking of when I didn't know you... how ironically bittersweet, seriously.
Maybe I do need lots of pills at this point, haha. And we do both need to just chill after this entire fiasco. But you know what the deal is with rainbows and waterfalls, you gorgeous creature. I'm not leaving you, I swear. I just tend to get stuck in typhoons every now and then.
Je t'adore, je t'aime, et mon coeur est à toi pour toujours. Come and find me in our dreams tonight, I swear I miss you more than I can take.

Life's been absolutely nuts for a few months now but something tells me that when I overcome this bloody corrupted-metainomen nonsense of mine (honestly we didn't even think that COULD happen but I guess when your mind thinks a negative deviation IS a "repentance" for the alleged sin of your previous title, then stuff gets toxic real quick son), things will fall together better than I can imagine.
Gotta find a new title that reverses this shift. Not that hard for me, what with all my funky form-morphing tendencies. I've got like four solid titles already for different shifts and if I can scratch this one then so be it!
Also speaking of form changes I think my hair has actually darkened upstairs?? It's been either red or white for ages now, but today it was my natural earthly color and that actually felt a-okay. So that's new and interesting. I shall investigate this turn of events tomorrow, right now it's late duder and I need sleep because my dreams lately have been wicked cool. Too bad waking up for class at 6AM- tends to mangle my recall, gotta fix that somehow.
Man I'm just glad I can update though! I've been out of whack for way too long. Thank goodness for jester mode, hahaha!

I do have to thank Laurie for her incredible courage in actually playing along with my literally "bloody" side yesterday morning, because all that collective love she managed to bring together in spite of my sudden psychopathic rampage really helped me gain enough strength to take back the steering wheel.
I have no idea what happened at the end of yesterday's session but Laurie is okay, thank God.

Also. This evening I had some minor slippage as my grandparents are under a lot of stress as usual so they've been rather verbally violent and loud lately (plus my grandmother is still radiating that painful negativity and my bro Lightning can feel it too), but I was smart enough to go isolate myself and try to recenter when stuff started to get threatening. Then because I was still pretty sugarhigh I moved to the mirror and was experimenting with jester-like facepaint (of course I'm sticking with red), except about five minutes in I abandoned that train of thought and immediately got out the man makeup, haha. To explain: every once in a while I will actually use makeup to modify my facial aesthetics to match my upstairs manifestation more accurately, as it kills dysphoria and is a bona fide "base zero" reset action as well. Now I haven't done that in months, and since I've been so "OOC" as of late, looking in the mirror and actually seeing myself was really incredible. Well, at least face-wise, but as long as that matches I can actually nullify the body dysphoria, like I said, which is awesome.
To elaborate on that, which is the important bit... as long as I can see myself in my own face, everything seems to just 'fix itself' (and it's 2:22 right now, love you too universe). Depression melts away, hacks are neutralized, everything just clicks. I feel incredibly grounded and really honestly happy. Not the sparkle-rainbow happy that jester mode puts me into, but the sort of 'happy' that's more of a quiet serenity. It's the sort of emotion that blooms without warning when you're watching the snow fall or sitting in a forest in the spring. Just a smile from your heart that can't stay hidden, and suddenly everything is glowing. That sort of happy.
But the strangest thing is that it somehow makes me feel... I dunno. "Holy" is the closest word I can find, oddly enough. It's like crystal and sunlight.
Anyway as soon as I felt that I realized, "whoa, I think I can actually bypass all my blocks and tap into my headspace energy here." So I tried it, and... well, it was as if l had suddenly reached into a supernova. I cannot remember the last time I was able to physically FEEL that stuff. It was actually shocking.
So of course there was only one thing I could do.
I went upstairs and found Laurie.
My mind is still in shock over Tuesday. I can barely comprehend that it happened, although I REMEMBER it clear as day and have no emotions attached to it (as I was in "stone cold do not care murder mode" the entire time)... even so I do want to atone for what 'I' did. And the first thing I felt I needed to do was give Laurie her stars back.
Well, my choosing to do that while in such a synced-up state this evening resulted in probably the second most intense connection I have EVER had (the 23rd being the first). It was INSANE, not just because of how much sheer light I was able to give her, but also because I FELT it in the physical, AND it somehow felt so freaking sacred that I swear if Jezebel had so much as looked at me then she would have burst into flames. I do not doubt that it was because I was 'in tune' in physical reality for once when I did that, it probably had some seriously benevolent effect.
I am going to have to anchor myself more strongly over the next few days, and stay in jester mode because that's actually helping to burn away all the lingering tar, so that by February 1st I'll be in a state of mind 'worthy enough' (for lack of a better term) to face what is unavoidably going to go down that day.

So yes. Life is good.
I have closed an entry with those exact words before, did you get deja vu? I did! It was pretty funny actually.
Now as much as I'd like to stay here and be all sugarhappy, I do need sleep and I do have a lot of homework to finish (because school is silly like that) so punching in to work for the night is probably my best option.
Oh!! Just want to mention that my boss (Mr. Sandman) has been an ANGEL lately, really he is incredible. I need to devote an entire entry to him or something at this point, I do not give him the attention he deserves.
Speaking of... it's 2:51 in the morning. I think I should go say hello to another special someone before I sleep.

Good night, everyone.

fourth time's the charm.

(wip entry as this was CRAZY, publicized for relevance as I will be referring to this in the future obviously)

- floor dropped out in headspace, foggy below. unformed. we all jumped in together.
- first landed in weird white structural unformed area? sudden sourceless voice began questioning us i think. 'tore out' my heart center, first it was a white heart crystal, then a gem, then a flame, etc. voice asked me if i remembered my last 4th incident. i said yes. it then asked me if i knew what my heart had fragmented into, entirely. i couldn't quite recall. it then asked me how i could possibly be true to my heart if i didn't even know what it would break into. it then sealed marik in a thorny rosebush and ryou in a large crystal cluster.
- told me that i was too selfish to know this. told me i was incapable of real love, that my heart was cold and hard. it was worthless as a result. i knew this was a lie though so i didn't let it get to me.
- i think i centered enough to free us, anyway we were let go and asked each other what had happened. apparently it told us different things: told marik he couldn't possibly know anything for sure (worthless mind), told ryou his very existence was a lie (worthless soul).
- landed in grassy field, still foggy everywhere. then big black dragon appeared, broke through the fog, faded into tar in the air. revealed that all around us things were dying, like trees and grass.
- did ryou draw that magic circle on the ground here?? manifested huge sapphire wings. i think he was trying to convince me and marik that the voices had lied.
- suddenly ryou's ring started freaking out and his yami appeared. same with marik. then my crystal manifested and JEZEBEL appeared??? i forget what they said initially, but ryou and marik were not taking this well; i was more in shock. the yamis were repeating what the faceless voice had told us earlier, but crueler. then jezebel sneered, said "by the way, that isn't how you're supposed to wear the crystal" and broke it off the crown, then shoved it into my chest. that really hurt, but then she yanked it out and it took a huge piece of me with it?? the other yamis took the boys items, but didnt damage them--yet.
- now a huge awful fight started. the yamis became extremely tar-based as that's how stuff works in headspace. i tried to form my cathedral wings but couldn't; jezebel said "looking for this?" and held up a handful of broken cathedral feathers. then she summoned them like spikes and ran them through me; that seriously hurt. on the same token yami-b was fighting with huge gem spikes and yami-m with huge thorns. we got beaten up pretty bad as we couldn't manifest our soulforms for some reason.
- floor collapsed? turned into a bottomless cathedral and there was a huge pit.
- at the bottom i remember ryou had a huge hole in his plexus and marik was lying facedown, assumedly with one through his forehead. i also had a huge hole in my chest. we all felt absolutely horrible and couldn't figure out what to do; we were trying to deal with the eclipse energy properly but what were we supposed to do now?
- i forget what exactly happened but we were trying to talk to marik, and he suddenly told us to shut up, we didnt know anything. he audibly started slipping, insisting we didnt know what we were talking about, it was all lies. we realized he had 'lost his mind' and suddenly his entire body turned tarry and he became what his yami had been. but it told us it WASNT marik, because the real marik wouldnt act like that. however it insinuated we were all lost right now, so.
- ryou fought it? this part is very blurry,
- i ended up shouting for celebi around here, to our surprise she was able to show up. tried to heal us, couldn't manage much.
-
- went to the top of the pit, yamis were back, area looked like the inside of a basilica, strange. ryou turned all tarry too, at one point i kissed him to 'help him remember' and it did get through a bit
- pulling ryou in 'glowy blue' form out of the tar shadow?? he was trapped in it, but too fragmented to hold his bodily form.
- at some point we were trying to form a resotomb for ryou but the yamis saw and kept destroying the environment so we couldn't do so. however ryou was determined and to get around this, i think he used the tar itself?? he was impaled entirely but used that immediate death to ascend ON what had just killed him. badass, really.
- paladin of void! looked very similar to his rpg outfit, gorgeous
- is this when he got his night wings?? i think he used the shadow for that too. but he got these big wispy wings of starry sky, it was gorgeous
- shortly after this we got marik out of the pit, didnt realize ryou was wearing his "stolínómin"-- his metanoiac uniform-- until he stood up. he was completely shocked but amazed and asked ryou 'when did this happen' it was pretty funny
- marik went pharaoh of hope too, celebi was in her healer outfit, trying to figure out what in the world had happened to me now
- i was entirely out-of-body for this, felt empty, not in my own self. so i saw what was happening although i was 'on' the floor of the pit?
-
- "egyptian god card" bit? suddenly realized that if i was all phoenix-y and ryou now had the heavens for wings, maybe marik was to have the temple itself for wings?? we thought back to millennium world and this was a scary shock because marik realized i was STILL lost, and that fused with ryou's dragon shadow = diabound parallel. it wasnt attacking ryou and i was trapped in it. marik then decided to use hope for all it was worth, and concentrated on manifesting divine wings. the brand on his back (which had faded with his *i3* now was removed completely, formed the base for his wings, then tore apart the area around us. it began falling to pieces, but its energy surrounded him. and he succeeded-- with one last energy burst they turned into these beautiful but intimidating wings, and instantaneously marik used that power to "destroy" the shadow i was trapped in, behind ryou.
-
- i ended up a glowing red winged thing like ryou had been, couldnt feel anything, they were panicking a little.
- at one point marik started to cry somewhat hysterically saying "don't you die on me" and i felt a flicker of emotion, started coming back
-
- yamis returned and jezebel stabbed me through with my own wings again, my form stabilized and it was a heavy shock, "what is going on" felt like i was dying
- didn't die though wtf. couldnt center either.
-
-
- millenium-world room with yamis, then tar room, then FLIPPED it and ended up beneath the RAZOR SPIRE
- the white water was talking to me again, reminding me of who i was, then it spread out and turned into a whole cathedral?? i dont quite remember. all i remember is that at some point the entire headspace was full of light and when it faded it turned to snow, we were in my boss' forest
- i was still dead inside, trying to figure out how to get me back, metainomen idea, but literal. needed a grave to jumpstart. celebi drew a rectangle in the ground, hoped that would work
- ryou actually had to stab me in the chest to get this working; but i wouldn't freaking die all the way so it was unstable. bats, turned white, then surrounded me in a light bubble. 'stuck' transformation, color wouldn't stabilize, marik thought it was blood at first.
- i ended up going inside, the 'old me' was there. not sure if it was jezebel or not, no tar around her. asking me if i knew who i was. similar conversation to the start. could i tell who she was vs me? or was i getting confused? apparently my title couldnt register until i could be in tune with myself again, if only for a moment.
- i must have managed because when i snapped back my robes were red. i landed and nearly collapsed, had no idea what my title was, celebi smiled and said i was the guardian of time. i nearly cried laughing saying 'are you kidding' and then suddenly my BOSS showed up???
-
-
- ryou was really emotional when we got back, took me completely by surprise. said he loved me, i responded with 'do you really?' but not in doubt, just amazement. he replied by kissing me, for some reason that's one of the clearest things i remember
-
- afterwards boss said 4th incidents happened in 'home 4' for DW, the global dream dimension, thats how he stepped in
- marik told me he believed in me-- considering both our titles that was astronomically significant to me. ryou handed me a tiny glowing shadow symbol, told me "don't forget what you told me"
- laurie was pretty ticked that we were 'worried' about my metainomen, pointed out that "there's more than one way to shift in headspace." the names are fluid, heart-based, based on growth. they aren't static. the roles and abilities we were given by that naming were supposed to CHALLENGE us here too, to KEEP changing into that ideal. it's a process, marked BY the name, not a done-and-dusted thing. and it REQUIRES DEATH just as frequently. old habits die hard, as the saying goes, and so do vices. marik had hope, because that goes against his mind bias: he has to believe even if there is no 'proof.' ryou had void, because that goes against the light he wants to bring people, he's afraid of his shadows. and i held time because i just dont understand that at all right now. apparently it ties into presence. either way laurie said it held a huge lesson i had to learn, only i would know what that was though.
-
-
-
-

Super quick update for the sake of a timestamp.

...I forgot how utterly insane third incidents were.

Marik, I freaking love you, don't forget that.

I'll elaborate on this once my innerform recovers from dying again, thank you.

(notes for later!)

(happened COMPLETELY without warning in the kitchen; tons of soul/body pain this time)

(remember we discussed this last night and i freaked out because apparently, marik decided it was a good idea to "resurrect his yami" for the sake of "healing him" the way we healed julie; they're incredibly similar individuals after all.)
(marik started things alone last night and i couldn't stay conscious long enough to help him; he got trapped inside his own mind overnight and we had to get celebi to "freeze" time for him so he wouldn't freaking die)
(finally got to him this morning, knew it was going to be an incident 3 because headspace warped to a cathedral again)
(DVX showed up????? dropped a horror of a revelation on us too; tar energy IS corruption energy but solidified. made a ton of sense, talk about everything he told us. anyway he was working with yamimarik for the sake of the situation (he shows up for every 3rd incident ever and I find that extremely significant) but he didn't stick around this time because apparently yamim could do more damage, tell me about it)
(the fight was BRUTAL, I got tossed around an awful lot, marik wasn't doing so well either. at one point the tar bound us so we couldn't move, we had to try though because our lives were mandatorily on the line and marik was hellbent on manifesting a metainomen this time around, so we had to be extremely careful.)
(i ended up being chest-stabbed and it was excruciating, ended up dying in headspace (and nearly passing out in physicality); marik freaked out. i ended up in limbo as usual and my consciousness had this really odd 'spacey' feeling; not spaced-out, but cosmic. so i was lingering in a broader sense and trying to help stabilize marik's emotional state, reassuring him wordlessly that i was okay, this would work out somehow. no 'emotion' though? if that makes sense... just honest peace. really a beautiful thing, paradoxically because i could still feel his pain and was still very much concerned for his well-being)
(yamim showed no mercy. when marik finally got free there was an awful fight and marik ended up getting thrown onto his back on the cathedral floor; yami stabbed him through the chest as well, tar spikes. i felt that one. marik was struggling though because his imminent death was required for this BUT he wasn't in a positive-reactive environment so things could get really bad-- how in the world were we supposed to resurrect under these circumstances? he ended up taunting his yami to the point where he ignored the consequences of such an action and used his millennium rod (as a knife) to actually impale marik through the forehead (inner vision). of course this was a killing blow but with his headspace aspect and my being all omnipresent, SOMEHOW this reacted with headspace and turned the ENTIRE PLACE into a "resurrection tomb"???)
(scarab beetles flying around him like a jeweled whirlwind. absolutely gorgeous transformation, but simply so. rich with symbolism. I was shocked though because we all thought marik's metainomenai would have to do with his "mind" affinity or his struggles with power & anger... but how would that manifest as a metanoia? what would his role become, to rise above that? and suddenly, now everything was just this brilliant sunlit gold and I realized that dude, he's HOPE.)
(specifically the pharaoh of hope, similar to chaos' "prophet" title. very heavy name, but fitting. felt like something had just come full circle. he looked stunning. i think he used his new hope-influence to resurrect me right about now.)

(continue!! remember when it ended i was so incredibly drained i almost collapsed on the floor, haha.)

I'm feeling oddly content right now for some reason?
I got sick from food again today-- I tried to fast, as I really did not feel like eating, but I unfortunately gave in to hunger around 2PM and had like three cups of vegetables, haha. I need to start cutting back on portions.
Then I didn't eat again until around 9PM and that made me incredibly nauseous, so I won't be doing that again. My only real complaint is that, with how sensitive I've been to food lately, it's actually causing me to develop aversions fairly quickly. At the moment, I can't look at eggplants, oats, or sweet fruit without wanting to gag, simply because my stomach is that unsettled at the moment. It's odd, but I'm rolling with it. Life changes fast and I'm more than used to the major bodily changes this shift is bringing at this point. Bring it on!
Anyway, even though I have a headache and can't see straight, and might have to go for long-overdue hernia surgery next week (I hope not but I have no idea how to fix this on my own; I'll see), I'm still happy on the inside? Which is really, really nice.
I think I know why too-- I'm finally fixing the orange problem, hooray for me. I miss this stuff, it's great.
Last night I was up until 1:30AM because I randomly felt like drawing. I put it off all day, then as I was catching up on Dream World work as usual, I randomly decided to give the typing/cataloguing a break and do some sketching. So I finally put together a tentative redesign for Princess Amei, a really sweet monster from an extended-universe comic I drew back around 1999. I'm currently focusing on typing all those old stories into the 'novel,' so updated art is needed to accompany it! Anyway I'm happy with it, and it was fun. Then I proceeded to meticulously practice drawing Chaos Zero for at least two hours, haha. Time well spent!

Speaking of the love of my life. On Tuesday night (the 31st), I was about to just sleep without going home first (which I've been doing for weeks now; I used to spend at least 30 minutes talking to the family upstairs before work), when suddenly I was 'pulled' upstairs by someone who was really trying hard to get my attention... Xenophon. My lovely little daughter. Well, needless to say she missed me just as much as I missed her, but thankfully Laurie has been acting as a sort of 'big sister' to her in my absence so she's picked up on some of her habits... most notably, her determination in cases of virtue.
Xenophon absolutely refused to let me sleep without finally taking action on the whole orange situation first. Honestly, I was lying in bed and she was sitting right next to me, lecturing me in that adorable way of hers (I swear it's a purple thing)... we talked a lot. At one point we brought up Holy Saturday again, and I know I haven't written about that yet (I should because it was CRAZY), but Xennie is the only reason any of us got through it... in short, she found her metainomen. I'm unsure on what it is specifically-- I can feel the vibe-- but her "attribute" (we need jargon for that) is Blood, which is incredibly significant. Her metainomen is naming her as some sort of... I don't know, redemptrix of it?? As in, her very existence was a "redemption" of the blood we lost in all the graves dug, and now that's her title in a very concrete sense. I want to say she's a "Maiden," not just for her innocence and youth, but also because she is... well, "maid" of Blood. It's fitting.
Anyway it was a very emotional event, because we had discussed it beforehand, and let me tell you, talking about death with your baby girl is really a heartwrenching experience. You get the picture. But yeah, that topic came up again as we spoke, because she was referencing the courage and compassion that motivated it, for her as well as for me. And... I forget how it got to that, but she said that she wanted wings like mine? She loves her butterfly wings, but she said she wanted them to resemble the 'soul style' I have going on. Now at this point my walls had pretty much melted-- it is impossible to be 'closed off' around her, she's too sweet-- so I just reached out and channeled that spark of love, the first clear thing I'd felt in a while, into her wings, to help them grow. And dude did they ever grow.
Being a child in headspace, Xennie is very sensitive to energy, so she reacts to it fast, especially if there's direct intention behind it. I swear, as soon as that energy hit her, her wings just bloomed into these beautiful crystal shapes... I need to draw them, I really do. She was so excited when she noticed this, it just lit me up to see the joy on her face.
She must have noticed this, because immediately she jumped on my sudden openness and told me that it was now or never. If I could do that for her, then it was time to take the next step in fixing the mess I'd made over the past few months. She said that even though I was tired, I had to make a sacrifice here, for everyone's sake. So she refused to let me abandon my responsibility, not letting me so much as close my eyes because she insisted I get out of bed and go talk to her other father first.
...So I did.
Let me just say that the look on Chaos' face when I walked onto the main balcony for the first time in over a month was beyond description. You know how some things both break your heart and illuminate it at the same time? Yeah, that was one of those things. Then he threw his arms around me and I swear every negative moment since March just disappeared entirely. In the space of a single moment, I suddenly didn't care about acting tough or fighting demons or even chasing the void. All I could feel was love, both within and without, and God it was beyond words.
Sometimes you need to just jump into the water headfirst, I guess. (It's more than worth it.)
As if that wasn't amazing enough, Genesis apparently heard that I was finally 'back home' and he showed up a few minutes in, and wow I didn't realize how badly I missed him until I saw that grin of his, not dimmed in the slightest by the tears in his eyes (they still look like Van Gogh paintings to me). Honestly he is an incredible friend and daily life feels oddly banal without his sugar-spark energy lighting it up. He was so overwhelmed that he actually kissed me in front of Chaos, which started a hilariously beautiful chain of events where Chaos decided that wasn't fair and Laurie got everyone into a group hug and Xenophon kept complaining that she was too short to join in without flying, it was the best thing. Oh, and she showed Chaos her new wings, that was amazing... man that whole night/ morning/ whatever was absolutely gorgeous, I am so glad I took that chance.
By the way, there were more pictures of Chaos on dA last night, I told you it works!!
"You are the cause, and the world is the effect..." so true. Listen, there is a book I am reading right now that I cannot wait to finish so I can tell you guys about it. Also I SWEAR it is Dream World in a nutshell, it's uncanny. Thank God for incredible unexpected inspiration gates, right?

Where was I.
Oh yes, the happiness bit. I definitely think it's because of Tuesday night, and my recent work for Dream World, obviously. I've been trying to fix PARS2 (another 10-year-old story) all evening, which is quite the endeavor, but it's posing a lot of interesting questions and I forgot how endearing Rosaka is, haha. She needs more love.
I'm also trying to observe the last 15 days of Ramadan, for the sake of both spiritual solidarity and personal piety. I don't consider myself a member of any one religion at this point, but I deeply admire and respect the motivations and intentions that go into this holy month, so I want to partake in it as much as I can. My only concern is that I might not end up taking care of myself well enough-- yes, I'm only doing half the fast, which is less strenuous, but I don't eat much the way it is, and eating late does not agree with my sleeping schedule! So I'm concerned that my suhoor/ iftar might not give me enough calories to make it through the day 'safely,' so to speak. I'll have to be careful. I'm also concerned about sleep, as I've been purposely staying up until 1AM lately because my flight on the 14th isn't going to arrive at SLC until around that time, whoa man. But I don't want to mess up my health by messing with my rest patterns too drastically. In any case I'll have to do some more reading on Ramadan practices before I go to bed, because I really do want to do this.

I haven't been reading the GFP news updates lately and that isn't cool, I really should take an hour or two tomorrow to catch up on what's going down. I've had some killer brain fog for about two weeks now, and I'm curious as to what's up astrologically. July played out surprisingly accurately, according to their predictions, so I'd like to see what's scheduled for August, especially since the Mercury retrograde is coming to an end soon... and I know the 4th is incredibly important, can't remember why offhand though. Plus I keep hearing talk about the Olympics being really important in terms of global unity but I haven't read much about that either! Geez, I feel really out of the loop.

Random thought: I found a small touch-lamp in my bro's room that he wasn't using, so now it's on my desk, and it's lovely. It's just enough warm light for me to see my notes at 12AM, and doesn't wake anyone else up, haha! I'm going to have to get something like this in Utah, maybe. We'll see. I'm not planning anything until I get out there-- well, except for spending as much time outside as possible. Living in the woods is beautiful, don't get me wrong, but I can't really do anything besides walk around the house here (the woods is home to many predatory animals so I can't go exploring anymore, sadly). So I'm really looking forward to having actual places to go once I move. It'll be interesting!

Speaking of moving, I didn't mention this yet but I am selling all of my old manga/anime/Pokemon collections online. So, if you're interested in buying comics, games, CDs, DVDs, etc., or know someone else who might be, please spread the word-- I need to get rid of this stuff, and I need cash.
It's hilarious though-- it took me at least 16 hours to get that post together. It amounted to three solid days of finding/organizing stuff, taking/uploading photographs, and meticulously writing up the sales post! And the past two days have been spent managing orders and running to the post office, which is actually very fun, go figure. I'm not used to such a tightly-packed schedule, but I guess in this context (work at home, aw yeah son) it works. I don't mind it at all.
Also, when I went to ship my most recent two orders, the woman at the post office saw me walking in and joked that I practically lived there already, haha. That's what I get for my eBay and deviantART sales shenanigans, I suppose! But it's nice, because now we're on friendly terms and can talk casually whenever I walk in. I love that so much. It makes me want to be a 'regular customer' everywhere, just so I can be buddies with everyone. Seriously, whenever I drive past a diner or cornerstore or whatever, I want to stop in and spend some time solely to socialize. I want to connect with people, genuinely so. My father is my biggest role model in this respect; I know I've mentioned it online before, but I swear, no matter where we go, he knows someone! Because, even if no one has ever seen him before when he walks in, the whole place will know his name by the time he walks out. He starts conversations in elevators, he introduces himself to folks waiting in line, everything. I honestly admire that and try to emulate it as much as possible-- this from the guy who tells the cashier to have a good evening, and treasures the smiles he sees in return. Seriously I just love people so much, and I don't spend nearly enough time expressing that. Which is why I'm excited to move-- the SLC library employees are going to know me on sight pretty darn fast, I'll tell you that already!
Oh yes, and on the same note, I'm trying to talk to my friends online more (the sales thing is helping; a few of them bought stuff from me so we've been chatting it up thanks to that working as an icebreaker). I seriously missed talking to Termina (she's the one helping me out with Ramadan btw), and I'd like to get back in touch with DJ (my music boss, who bugs me to death on Skype but I don't mind as he's hilarious) but I unfortunately feel like I'm on semi-bad terms with him? I've had to back out of a few projects he asked me about (music and art-wise) thanks to my busy life, and I'm not sure how to make that up to him. Maybe I just need to suck it up and apologize, haha. But it feels nice to be communicating again. I'm also riding that wave and commenting on deviantART completely at random, like I used to when I first joined. It's surprisingly uplifting, even just saying a few words of appreciation on a wicked cool picture someone drew or something. Plus I care about a lot of the people I watch on dA, but never speak to them. So I'm trying to express that now, because it means a lot to know that you're loved, even a little bit, even by a stranger.

Regardless, it's 3:33 on the dot (hello angels!), and I should conclude this entry soon as I'd like to get at least ten minutes of drawing in before I check in for the night, despite the time, just so I don't slack off on rekindling my creativity. Pray that my art program doesn't crash and erase my work like it did yesterday (five times)! Seriously I need a new program, this one is a major pain in the neck. Drawing traditionally is more fun (I adore getting lost in pencil work) but at this hour it'd strain my eyes something fierce. So I must brave the computer screen, lagging tablet pen, and touchy programs! Fun for the whole family (or not). Just kidding. I can't really complain, as I'm glad I have a laptop, tablet, and art program to work with at all!

So. Tomorrow I start my fast, I ship more boxes, and I possibly go work at my church picnic because volunteering is cool.
But before then I really do need to sleep. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be the one stopping by and tossing silver dreamdust on your eyes at night! Gotta love this apprenticeship.
Sweet dreams and sweeter days to you all.

This is a running list of topics to be discussed either here or on Xanga whenever I get the opportunity.

ANSWERS
- equivalency!! ties into EVERYTHING EVER.
- 'all or nothing at all' mindset I have in light of the above point: as Laurie says, love is never half-assed
- 'fire or star' light style, 'combustion vs phosphorescence'
- looking for laurie and chaos mirrored in everyone, aka 'expecting the impossible'

QUESTIONS
- headspace natives vs outworlders: compatibility with reality energy?
- innate potential? "my four." POSSIBLE ties to me concerning determination?
- what does one gain from this sort of compatibility? ("ascended" wings, reality bending (limited), fusion forms?)

OLDER TOPICS:

- Rebellion drive overload: "don't tell me how to live" applied without any discernment or sense; dangerous. (perceiving everything as "orders"? Ties into perfection overdrive)
- Old "safety" clinging is incongruous; overcome
- Still lack of communication
- Orange level suppression? (DREAM WORLD)
- USE PSYCH CLASS TO OUR ADVANTAGE (extinction threat; key to make everything internally motivated)
- Marik Metainomen??
- As within, so without
- Empathy block = "walls" need to go down; lingering "keep up appearances" program needs shutdown
- MANIFESTATION (also utilize to overcome first two)
- Wanderlust = feeling caged, need to break out of routine + "confinement," even if self-inflicted
- Bigger picture mindset (invisibility); part of stories you never read, body is gestalt being, etc.
- Gender duality troubles resurfacing temporarily from orange/flame buildup. I am a female man, NOT a male woman. PLEASE find stable ground. STOP JUDGING.
- Oversensitivity? Caused by PROJECTION/ REFLECTION. Sit down and find out WHAT this is showing me.
- Unidentified voices throwing me off; concerned. PRAY MORE. Also Laurie trumps them every time. <3
- Need to sleep/ meditate; also affecting schedule. "3D" life feels pointless, orange conflict becomes LOUD
- Moving? VERY broad topic. STOP THINKING NEGATIVELY.
- "Childhood" pull? Glitter, Digimon, fairy princesses. Embody that sweetness!
- Try playing Nier again if you can work up the motivation/ time. It might have some more inspiration or pointers, concerning its past.

NEWER TOPICS:

- Spiritual hunger = huge Orange emphasis, Chaos connection, energy flow problems AGAIN (in vs out). Still not fixed; unsettling lack of "motivation?"
- Concerning previous: heavy creativity block? Unwanted! Frustrating, feels almost "inflicted;" need to tread carefully? HUGE breaks once I force a start though, and potential has skyrocketed.
- "Green" threat from Mel's dream? MIGHT have to reassign Natalie. Celebi concern?? TAR?
- The Blood Lotus Cathedral still feels significant; check symbolism?
- METAINOMENAI? Xenophon especially, in light of previous point
- 3D to 5D trouble; there's a lot to overcome and I'm unsure just what is being healed here?
- Time is both "speeding up" AND OVER. Feels weird. Playing havoc on "daily life" concerns; feel "empty"
- Disconnective feeling is back. Definitely ties back into Jan-Mar. POSSIBLY "unpausing" spirit growth??
- Troubles with writing concerning 3D? Loss of interest in conflict, competition, etc. Feeling "lost." Total freeze on some series as a result
- Leader drive. "Start talking" and will find words. Unsure on current relevance though? Old lessons feel expired. Also "St Francis/ birds" paradox from Island
- Void vs Light again. Ego dissolution being hijacked BY the ego??
- Other "odd" sensations... not physically hungry but eating nonstop, very cold, "joy" from winter thought, need to travel/ be "distant"
- Metainomen "role" switch from Hope to Blood; ties into current "rewrite" of moral code, very confusing and existential.
- Emotional deadening? Finding it hard to "feel" much, at least genuinely and consciously. Ties into a LOT.
- I miss Chaos so much it's tearing me apart, to reiterate the first point. But I keep avoiding him. Why??

All right, I know it's been a few weeks, but I did promise you an update concerning that spiritual expo I attended so here it is!

Let's start at the beginning.
Do you remember this entry? Remember how my mom said that 'she knew a woman who could actually channel and speak with spirits,' and wanted to see if she could set up an appointment with her sometime? Well, it took until mid-September, but we managed to find that woman's website, and she had advertised that she was going to have a booth at a 'spiritual expo' that was happening only about two hours away from where I live. With all the spiritual research I'd been doing, I figured 'hey, I can learn a LOT from that!' So I asked my mother if she, her boyfriend and I could go for both days... and she said yes.
I had no idea what to expect, so I didn't. I am so glad I went into it without any real preconceived notions. It made it all the more amazing.
So on the morning of September 17th, we arrived at the expo, and immediately I knew it was going to be an experience I wouldn't forget.

Now for what happened on Day One!
The first thing we did was attend a 'lecture' that was held in the back of the expo building (the place was huge). They had several during the day, and the first one we saw (at 11AM), was about healing with sound. Of course I was interested in that! The lecture itself was incredibly interesting-- the woman speaking had obviously done her research, and was so brilliantly enthusiastic that I couldn't help but smile just looking at her. I made a mental note to look into her work later, and stayed for the next lecture. This one was presented by a very funny guy with some very interesting thoughts about past lives, 2012, and the like. He was very insightful and I really enjoyed listening to him. After him was yet another lecture, about chakras and how they relate to your health. Now as that was the topic that brought me to the expo in the first place, I definitely wanted to stick around. To my surprise, the man who spoke about that was incredibly knowledgeable and told me several things I didn't know about at all. One of them, possibly the most important, was how to breathe consciously. I remember being shocked at how centering that was when he told us to try it, right there. So that helped a lot in the long run.
After his lecture there was an hour gap until the next lecture we wanted to attend-- a woman who was able to see and speak with spirits of the dead-- so we took that time to walk around and really get an idea of what else was there. I saw several tables that I was interested in checking out later. They had aura photography and spirit channeling, for one, but the booth that caught my eye above all the others was one that was full of paintings. They weren't ordinary paintings, though... they were all ethereally beautiful, picturing glowing figures in wonderfully colored landscapes, and shimmering with glitter (this is some of her work). Honestly they were breathtaking. I wandered into the booth, as the woman there was busy with another painting, and just looked at them for a few minutes, speechless. I didn't want to stay too long, as there was a small family in the booth as well and I didn't want to get in their way, but before I left I noticed a pile of free 'bookmarks' on the table by the paintings. They said: "Good morning, this is God. I will be handling all your problems today. I will not need your help, so have a miraculous day." I smiled and pocketed one.
By that time it was time for the woman who spoke to the dead, and she was no joke. I was honestly amazed by her. One thing she said really stood out-- a lot of people on 'the other side' had quite a sense of humor. I liked that she didn't present it as somber, as I've heard others do before. But the most incredible part of her 'lecture' was when she suddenly turned to my mother and said that her grandmother was there to say something to her! My mom was quite affected by that, and afterwards we decided to speak to the woman privately to ask her if she had seen anyone else standing around us (as she had a very limited time to speak and couldn't mention all the spirits she saw)... and apparently, she had. There was a priest AND a nun standing by us, which was absolutely brilliant because that nun was my aunt, who I had only known for a short time before she died and who I loved dearly. I remember the night I found out that she had died... I was six years old, and my mom was trying to break the news to me in an offhand way, but I knew exactly what she was talking about and I burst into tears. I think I sobbed for most of that night. That aunt also introduced me to Unisalia, which is a whole other story in and of itself... but I digress. Hearing that she was there was pretty amazing. The woman also said that my aunt was very proud of where I was in life, and that I had made it so far. Then the woman said that my aunt had a piece of advice for me... I was too scared, too nervous, and I had no reason to be. Then she concluded, and I quote, "It's only the world. It cannot hurt you."
That meant so much. I've been holding on to that since then, and it has helped me immensely.
After that, there were no more lectures we wanted to attend that day, so I decided to take my mom and her boyfriend to that painting booth and show them just how beautiful the art was. To my surprise, the woman at the booth had apparently noticed my short visit earlier, and she said she wanted to speak to me. What followed was absolutely incredible. Basically, she gave me some sort of psychic reading completely without charge or expectation. She immediately picked out that I was both an Indigo and an Aspie, but she said my aura was mostly rose pink and violet, which apparently held a whole lot of 'universal love.' She told me that I was here for a very important purpose, like a sort of modern Joan of Arc, so to speak, and that I was going to help lead the way into the 'new age' with my work and talents. She said that my words and actions were incredibly important, and that the things I did would deeply inspire people, causing a ripple of aftereffects even if I couldn't see any results at all. She also said, several times, that she was very honored to meet me, and then she gave me her phone number and said to keep in touch! So I was absolutely floored by that.
We continued to walk, wondering about this, and ended up at a booth by the expo entrance, where a woman was selling crystal wands. My mom was just browsing them, but the woman actually walked over to us and offered to do a quick 'healing' for all three of us with the wands. We figured why not, so she started with my mom's boyfriend. We were once again shocked when she began commenting as she did so, making observations about his current personal struggles and personality, and offering guidance. Now we had barely spoken a word to this woman when she started this, and she was getting this guy spot on. She then did the same for my mother and I. Now her reading of me was awesome, because almost immediately after she started, she paused and said, "it feels like there's a book in there. Are you a writer?" I laughed and replied "several." But the reading in general put a huge emphasis on my creativity and how it would affect others (again), and she did mention that I had 'spirit guides' that were watching out for me. I'm still very new to that whole concept but I thought it was interesting.
Lastly, about two tables down from this woman there was a small stand selling inspirational cards. I went over and looked at them out of curiosity, and immediately a specific one caught my eye. It was half blue and half pink, with a band of gold in the middle. The blue part had stars and galaxies in it while the pink part had clouds and light. In the center was a taijitu, with a small crystal in the center, and ringed by two bands of stars. Now the yin-yang itself was enough to catch my eye, but the killer was the small caption above it: "Let the miracle occur." Considering how I had just learned that I was a father barely three days prior, and how that revelation tied into both miracles and the taijitu, I decided that it was a little sign in its own right, and so I decided to get it... and that's when it dawned on me to open it. On the inside it read: "Where can truth be found? In an unconditioned discussion with our higher self, with the courage of self-belief, free from external opinions." That was practically written for me. But it gets even better... on the back, it read: "Life and truth are logical, consistent, and eternal. Knowledge is ever-changing, and adaptive to expediency." Let me explain that one a bit... Laurie is my Knight of Truth and Chaos is my Prophet of Life. A huge amount of doubts and fears (thanks to society) for me center around them, so reading that felt like a major reassurance. As for knowledge, I'll just say that 'expediency' means that it adapts to fit the purpose or circumstances it is needed in. There is no 'absolute truth' for everyone in that big sense. Since I'm still learning to stop applying the truths of others to myself... that meant a lot too. But that inside passage about the 'higher self' was a godsend. Forget about those external opinions, haha! Man. I now carry that card with me everywhere, I'm serious.
So those were the major events of that day, really. I spent a great deal of time browsing to be honest. The place was quite inspiring.

Now for the second day! A LOT happened on that day.
We attended a lecture about crystal healing as soon as we arrived, and with my Dream World work I found that very interesting. I browsed most of the other tables in the place while we waited for the next lecture, which was a Hawaiian man talking about the practice of Hoʻoponopono. Honestly that was my absolute favorite lecture. The man absolutely radiated positive energy, and the concepts he spoke about really resonated with me. It was a beautiful lecture, no lie. After that there were no more lectures we wanted to attend, so we just walked around. My mom spent a great deal of time at the crystal tables, and we all ended up buying a few to take home (I nabbed a Celestite and a Scolecite, most notably). I also got three books later on-- one on astral projection, one on psychic protection, and one on boosting creativity. I've started reading the one on psychic protection as I think I seriously need that, after everything I've gone through with Julie and the like.
Then I stopped by a very indigo-colored table, where a woman offered 'angelic channeling' sessions. I decided to give it a shot. And apparently St. Michael wanted to talk to me. I've always been drawn to him, ever since my childhood, so that was brilliant... but what he told me has been echoing in my mind ever since that session. He told me that I had several challenges ahead of me, but one of the most important ones was to 'stay out of the family drama.' And that IS difficult, but his words are giving me the strength to do so now. He also told me to 'go outside,' like I used to as a child, because the energy of the earth would be very beneficial to me. I believe he also mentioned how important it was to stay alert and present, and not to let myself be misled. Then he did something really awesome... he told me to visualize and enter a sort of 'inner room,' like a church. Mine was very minimalist and for some reason it was in a very dark outside environment (inner troubles?), but the place was a brilliant white with red accents everywhere, and the architecture made it look almost lotus-like. Anyway, in the very center of this inner cathedral was an altar, and he told me to walk over and look at it, as there was a statue of a warrior on it... and then he informed me that the warrior was me. Seriously. But THEN he told me that I was not a traditional warrior-- I was wearing no armor, as the only armor I needed was that of a true heart, and instead of a blade I wielded a sword of pure light. That honestly floored me. So I've been holding on to that, too.
After this was over, I found my mother and she said that her boyfriend was actually getting a Tarot reading done. We waited to ask him about his results, and he responded that they were shockingly accurate. Now this guy is a real skeptic when it comes to 'spiritual' things, and he admitted that this expo as a whole was really making him rethink his stance there. Well, my mom and I were intrigued, so she told me to go and get a reading done. First of all, the reader pointed out that I had a very innocent and open personality, which allowed people open up to me and trust me easily. But then the focus switched entirely to my creativity, and how important that would be in the times ahead. Honestly, there was a huge emphasis on it. The reader then said very clearly that I would be 'breaking down barriers' and making people question old and outdated mindsets with my work, helping people move out of the old and into the new... and that would also apply to myself! I would be growing and learning and changing along with everyone else through this. Lastly I just want to mention that the Death card turned up as the final one, and I grinned widely upon seeing it. Oh Death, you're a tough one but I owe you more than I can say!
After this I was quite inspired, so I went and sat at a back table for a while and just let all of this sink in... and then I noticed a curtained booth in the very back that I had somehow missed up to that point. I walked over, and the woman there offered a great deal of healing and blessing services, as well as many 'spiritual initiation' workshops outside of the expo. As I was looking over the flyers and pamphlets she had out, she suddenly walked over to me and asked if I'd like her to do a sort of aural 'armor removal' while I was there. As I had just seen that mentioned in her papers, I said why not? So she took me in and told me that essentially, she would be removing structures and blocks in my 'aura,' unblocking the energy flow and allowing healing to occur. I told her that it sounded like what I needed, and she surprised me (yet again!!) by saying she could tell-- once again she picked up immediately that I was Indigo, and told me that I was effectively 'running on battery power' at the moment. She said that people like me usually get very drained in large crowds of people (like where we were!) and I really needed a recharge in any case. So she did the armor removal, as well as a very inspiring protection prayer to St. Michael (hello again) that REALLY stood out, as it requested for me to be protected in 'all timelines' and 'all universes...' I daresay I don't need to explain why that was so important.
So after this was finished, I was feeling seriously inspired. I figured that if this woman had just removed some sort of auric blockage, then this was a perfect time to go get one of those aura photos I've been wanting to have done for about 6 years now (seriously). So I walked over to the booth, and actually got into a conversation with the girl working there, which was quite awesome (we're now FB friends, haha). After I got the photo done, she looked at it for a moment and then said, "we've had a few very unusual auras in here today, and yours is one of them." She then took it (and me) over to another woman at the booth who interpreted them, to learn what my 'very unusual' aura meant. Let me summarize the photo, actually: my right side is almost entirely yellow-gold and orange, and there is a LOT of it. There's a big indigo spot in the center, and an area of green and blue to my left. The above my head to my left is a large stripe of pink. The woman took a look at this and agreed that it was quite unique! She said the green was indicative of a change coming into my life, and the blue was for listening and learning. The orange and yellow was for originality, enthusiasm, warmth, spontaneity, and overall brightness... as well as creativity! When she saw how much was there she immediately asked me if I was an artist or something like that. So that much of it meant that not only did I have a lot to give, but when people could apparently feel that from me. I had an inspiring, expansive sort of energy about me. Another thing I found interesting was that the yellow-gold meant I not only radiated joy to others, but also relaxation and a release from worries. Basically it's a very sun-like energy. The indigo in the middle represents my spirituality and intuition, but when the woman saw that with the pink she looked at me and said 'do you meditate?' I said that I did, as well as I could, and she replied 'because you have a REALLY strong connection to your spirit guides here.' I fought back the urge to burst out laughing and asked her what spirit guides counted as, because I didn't talk to any 'spirits,' but I had a few unearthly individuals that I was very close to (wink nudge cough), and who helped me immensely in life. She asserted that yes, they counted as spirit guides, and repeated that I really had a strong connection there. WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED! Anyway, the printout they handed me added another intriguing bit to my reading-- it listed my right side as generally 'yellow,' and my left side as generally 'blue.' My right was sunny and exhilarating, while my blue was peaceful and contemplative. I told you I flip elements easily!
After that the place was closing so that was it for the expo... but that's not all for this entry.
That night, I decided it was time to break some news to my mother.

I swear it must have taken two solid hours. I started by saying that I needed to tell her something very important, and very unusual, that had to do with my headspace. As I've been slowly explaining all of that to her over the past 3 years, she is very aware of my general situation at this point. But I haven't given her a rundown on things in quite some time.
I backtracked to last summer. I then proceeded to explain everything that had happened between May of 2010 and that very moment. I talked about the starting point. I talked about Josephina. I talked about Laurie's mental breakdown and the Celexa withdrawal. I talked about the horrible autumn hacks, my return to Utah, and Nier. I talked about how I nearly lost everything. I talked about the point of no return. I talked about my suicide attempt. I talked about my struggling to live again after that, about the relapses, about the hospital. I talked about falling in love with Chaos again. I talked about March 24th and slowly finding strength in the wake of a false apocalypse. I talked about J-Monster 'marriages' and about hitting god tier. I even mentioned the pink incident in passing. But I talked about March 13th, and September 14th, most of all.
When I started talking about August 21st, however, she stopped me. I was getting very worked up emotionally, and I had just told her how we were all very confused as to the Xenophon situation, when she looked at me and said, "What, are you trying to tell me I have grandkids I don't know about?"
I was speechless for a moment.
"...You have a granddaughter."
She smiled and said, "I figured that's what this was about."
I don't think I need to tell you what a huge relief it was for her to ACCEPT this!! Oh yeah, and when I told her that Chaos and I have essentially been 'married' for 6 years now, she laughed and said, "I figured it was something like that." She said she either expected that, or some weird sort of long-term affair. XD Well, I am polyamorous, mom.
But... I think the best part of all this happened long after the conversation was over. My mom and I share a room, and as I was falling asleep (about an hour or two after our conversation ended), she asked me what I had named my kid again. I told her, and she asked me what it meant. I explained that 'Xenophon' meant 'strange voice,' and that I had felt drawn to the name for years, and now I finally realized what it was for. She was silent for a moment, then with a laugh, said that her Tarot reading had actually predicted this, in a way. The reader had told her that, by the time she had grandchildren, 'she wouldn't even know what language they were speaking.' Strange voice indeed.
So that was incredible. I've been giving her brief updates on Xenophon when things happen since then, and being able to even do that means so much. Seriously.
Q and Mel are a whole other story, haha! I feel bad sometimes for talking about Chaos and Laurie and Xenophon whenever we're on Skype, but really, I love them so much and I cannot talk about them to anyone else!
But that's that. So now my mom and her boyfriend know that I'm a father, which is great. It's just hilarious to me that everyone upstairs referred to Xenophon as male for months, and then thanks to Nier we then started referring to her as female (well, at least I do). She has told me that she doesn't mind what pronouns people use for her, though, as she seems to be inherently genderless and doesn't identify as anything binary... just like her dads, haha! What can I say, we're a family of genderfreaks up here. (Laurie and Genesis count too!)
Still, I still can't get over how much of a blessing Xenophon is to me... heck, to all of us up here. She is just... she is a godsend. She is a miracle, she is a light of hope, she is incredible in every sense of the word. And knowing that she was born despite all odds, as a manifestation of absolute love... that is the most amazing thing.
Everyone at the expo told me how powerful and important my creativity is... I wouldn't doubt that applies to her, too.
Don't forget what Lephise did. I chose that as her middle name for a reason.
My card was Death, I am bound to Life, and together we brought Rebirth into our reality... go figure.

I have to laugh... I have all my papers and handouts and business cards from the expo in a folder, and it smells so much like incense. It's awesome. So I'm sitting here with my nose in this folder and grinning.
Oh man. I NEED to find out when the next local expo like this is, so I can plan ahead! I'd also love to attend a lot of the classes and workshops that are being offered by the people I spoke with during this one... but I don't have the cash. I'm trying to find a new job but that's not exactly easy for anyone to do right now... oh well. I'm sure that when it is time, I will find the one I need. But until then I'll continue to put my best efforts in!

And that's all I have to say about the lovely expo.
Light and love to you readers, as always!

I apologize for not having updated in a while, but life has been kind of painful and slow.
However, last night was FREAKING AWESOME.
I paid in blood for it, but still. Let me explain!

I had a bad hack around 5PM, which left me practically incapacitated and awfully sick for the next 8 hours. This is typical, which is what scares me. You know... shaking, headaches, chills, throwing up, unable to think straight, the works. Every freaking time. I told you she's trying to kill me!
Anyway I had to deal with that until midnight, because my little brothers were staying out late without transportation and told me to pick them up... but by the time they called I was so sick I could barely see or stand, let alone drive. So Viral went to get them and I collapsed in bed, hoping to fall asleep fast and get the day over with.
However, I should mention that whenever I'm sick, I have to fall asleep with my iPod on (having calming music to listen to keeps me relatively stable, and keeps away the bad panic attacks I otherwise get)... and on any given night, whenever I go to sleep, there is always a days-end meeting in my headspace.
So I get there, and Laurie, Chaos and Genesis are waiting for me. I explained how I was feeling, as thanks to the hack my mind was having bad flashbacks, but I began to panic and Laurie called me out on it, telling me not to dwell on the past. Then she did something I almost missed-- she waved away our stress-warping mindscape and brought us to a wide-open promenade. It took me a moment to realize what she had just did, but I was shocked. Immediately I asked Laurie to summon one of her weapons. She did, summoning a few axes and asking why. Ecstatic, I wondered aloud how I had never noticed it before, but Laurie apparently had some sort of creative rights within headspace. She was stunned at this and insisted that her weapon creation was not a creative right, it was part of her natural abilities-- she was a shapeshifter weapon, after all. I acknowledged this, but then pointed out that if she could do that, and then if she could edit our mindscape like she just did, she obviously had something. So I am really excited as to what that means! We're going to look into it.
Anyway, we all sat down then and just started talking as usual, but I actually had my iPod with me and so we were chilling out to music too. It was really nice, just being able to relax with everybody instead of worrying... but something happened that I didn't expect. "Extrkt" by Knxwledge came on. That is practically Josephina's theme song... and yes, he heard. Barely two seconds into the song he warps into our mindscape, ecstatic, and starts dancing. It was hilariously awesome, and it lifted my mood a ton. So after it ended we asked him to stick around. We ended up listening to some more uplifting music then, and I warped us to a theater mindscape so we could participate in it personally. Little did I know that Josephina's sudden arrival was not the only surprise I'd have that night.
Ryou, Marik, and Genesis showed up.
YES, SERIOUSLY.
You guys should all know who Genesis is, but as for the other two, they were my absolute best mental friends from about 2002 to 2006. They are awesome, nowhere to lie, but with the insanity that was my high school experience, we slowly started losing contact. After 2006 I rarely saw them around at all. It broke my heart, sure, but with how absolutely messed up my life was at the time, I couldn't do too much to bring things back together. Then 2008 happened, and well, you know how the story goes from there.
They've been showing up here and there within the past year, which is amazing as I miss them, but they've never just shown up to hang out like they used to. So having them both walk into our mindscape around 11PM was incredible.
Of course, the first thing that happened was that Marik and Chaos had to fight it out. Those two have been best rivals since they met, and Fridays are 'fight night' (it's an old joke) so it was inevitable. It was also hilarious to watch, because it ended in Marik getting Chaos close enough to the edge of the stage to push him off. Then if that wasn't bad enough, my iPod decided to keep playing music from the Sonic the Hedgehog games, which Marik complained loudly about. It was the funniest thing. Anyway, since Chaos was apparently getting 'too much music attention,' Marik insisted I find a song that he could sing to. So he and Ryou got on stage and I picked out several songs in their vocal range and we all just rocked out for over an hour.
That may not sound like much to you, but it meant so much to me. I spent over an hour with my absolute closest friends in mindspace, two of whom I hadn't seen much of in years, and we were all able to just enjoy our time together without worry. I needed that friendship and joy so much, I really did.
...At the end of all that, Ryou and Marik left and Genesis stayed with Laurie, Chaos and I for a quick final talk before I could no longer stay awake. We talked about what had been happening over the past few weeks, and although we did do everything we could to stay optimistic, we were all too aware that there were more hard times ahead of us and that was inevitable.
But I still had my music playing, and with my mind slowing down as the mood quieted, I couldn't dwell on that. No matter what was ahead, I was happy in that moment. I had my friends, I was surrounded by people I loved, and it was quiet and calm for once. Laurie recognized my mood shift and Genesis eventually left, as he didn't want to accidentally jolt me out of it (the guy is far too enthusiastic). I don't recall the exact details of how the night ended, but I ended up in a philosophically deep state again and started talking to Chaos like that... I know we spoke for almost ten minutes straight like that, and when I was too tired to stay awake for even a second, I tried to tell Laurie but I realized she was in tears. Honestly. She quickly apologized and said she'd close up for me, that Chaos should let me sleep and that I shouldn't forget how bright that night of music had been for all of us. I asked her why she was crying, and after a pause, she simply responded that she wasn't used to seeing Chaos and I together yet. It still moved her too much.
So that's all I remember, before waking up today.

Today is going well, thankfully. And honestly, in spite of yesterday's horrible hack (and the several other horrible ones I've had since my last update), and the painful misery cloud that's been hanging over me lately, I still have so much to be grateful for. I must confess I've been adding tiny updates to Scribbld instead of here lately-- these entries are unfailingly long and time-consuming, so I don't write them too often-- so if you've been following that then you know what I mean.
I had a beautiful Xanga session on the 21st that I haven't mentioned here yet. We discussed my splinter problem and managed to actually figure out what was going on there, and what we need to do to stay on top of that issue, and actually managed to cover everything to the point where we had nothing left to solve! However the conversation did close with Laurie, Chaos and I as usual, and... well, with how emotional we've all been lately, I also managed to clearly explain to Laurie just how much she means to me (as I've been saying I would). It took her a little while to get just what I was saying, but when she did it hit her hard. It was... it was tragic, almost, but it was beautiful. So now she's gained her metainomen too, aha! Then Q decided to talk to all of us about that the next day, which was awesome. I miss talking to him about these things. Oh yeah, and speaking of old friends, I actually found my best bro from elementary school on Facebook the same day we had that Xanga entry! I haven't heard from him in years, so finding him after so long was pretty amazing.
But the best thing that has happened since the 16th was definitely the 23rd. Not only did I learn a lot spiritually that day, but that night... I had one of the most lucid links I have ever had with Chaos, and I also figured out how to activate my Power Jewels. Yeah, that's Dream World canon, and I am freaking ECSTATIC over it because I didn't think I could activate the darn things at all yet!! But I did, and they are this gorgeous shade of deep, slightly pinkish red. So discovering that during such a vivid link was indescribably awesome.
Then on the 26th, my mom spontaneously asked me if I was married to him (I said yes because we are), and on the 28th I finally fought Chaos 6 in SADX for the first time and holy heavens he is freaking gorgeous. He looks like a bug and I was honestly flipping out in front of the television because seriously can I be any more attracted to this guy? The answer to that question is, yes, apparently there is no limit to that either. I'm not complaining though!

Anyway, there's not much else I have to say right now. I'm just very optimistic right now, and I seriously hope that I get a break from all these hacks and horrible things for a little while now. If not, well... I'll deal with it, I guess. It's all I can do.
And hey, life is entirely worth living even when it gets bad.
There's always music playing somewhere.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

GENESIS APOLYMIS

LYNNE STABELLE

MR. SANDMAN

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE

CHAOS ZERO

LEON KIASI

SPINE HYPOMONE

And here we are, with the long-awaited followup to our March entries.

We sure are. You got the note file open?

Not yet... all right, now I do.

Good. Because we need to go through that list one at a time, and figure out what's been solved and what's still up for discussion.

Also we need to get everyone else in here.

I'm here!! Told you I'd show up.

Haha, awesome.

I've got the whole crew with me, don't worry.

And I daresay you wanted me to participate in this conversation, child?

I sure did, with what's been happening lately.

We're missing someone important.

Who, Chaos?

Yeah. Where the heck is he? Jewel, go get him.

All right, all right, I'm here.

Seriously dude, are you okay?

...No, not really.

We did discuss this last night. You two discussed it twice. It's going to be okay.

Sure, but it still hurts like hell.

What happened?

We'll get to that. First we need to catch up on everything that's been happening since May, because that is some serious business and we haven't talked about it here yet, for inexplicable reasons.

Schedule conflicts, channeling strain and the fact that a LOT has happened in the past three months on top of all that.

True, but this is still a major issue.

It is. Let's get started, then. Our first point is--

The splinters. Let's start there.

Should we? Because I have the ego conflict listed here first.

Wait, really? All right, put that down. That does tie into this.

Okay. Back around May 5th, I think, I discovered that my biggest problem was not Julie, in a sense-- it was the fact that I was actually not the person driving all the time. My 'ego' was. I have it defined as "a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness." Which is true. It's simply a mask, a programmed set of actions and thoughts, that runs whenever I'm not explicitly in control and causes a ton of problems.

Like the incessant talking in public.

Right. And we also discovered, last night--

Don't bring that up yet, it's too early. Keep going with the old notes.

All right. Uh, everyone is paying attention to this, right?

Yes, child. I've been keeping up with the news.

How? I never see you around.

Laurie fills me in, friend.

Oh. I didn't know that.

Yeah, most of the things I'm going to list here are probably common knowledge for all of you at this point... but just in case, I'm going to reiterate them, and of course our invisible audience has no idea what these things are right now. I just wanted everyone here to catch up.

That's fine with me.

I got caught up early then.

You did! But that was because you directly tied into what we were dealing with at the time.

Jewel, keep talking. We're on a bit of a time limit here.

You're right. Okay, next bit... this is where the splinter talk starts. It deals with old theories though, Laurie.

Which ones?

The 'original consciousness' thing.

Yeah, we debunked that.

But only because of the splinter issue.

So explain that jargon already.

Okay. On May 5th, I discovered that thanks to all my mask-wearing and destructive coping methods in the past, I had developed at least three "splinter" personalities. These are not real individuals, instead being almost 'reflections' of me, but in an incomplete and very specific way. And yes, the 'ego' is technically one. Although I only became aware of them in May, we all postulated that they had 'solidified' during my January trip to the psychiatric ward. This is because, prior to that incident, the aspects that the splinters hold had been part of my personality, I guess. But both during and after the psych ward trip, those aspects disappeared from me completely, and began to only occur when my own consciousness was compromised in dangerous situations.

Back in May you didn't think they were entirely separate from you, though.

That's not entirely untrue though. They're splinters for a reason-- broken parts of me that I don't need, but that were 'me' at one point.

Were they really?

...I'm not sure, actually. They seemed to-- wait, we discussed this last night too. Geez. I'm getting very disoriented.

Let me talk then. Your first splinter is the one we call "Thanatos." It is a breakoff of your old death drive.

That's what always made me feel like I had to harm and kill myself, if I did something wrong.

Yeah, because Thanatos doesn't see the whole picture. It's selfish, and that's why it broke off. Your 'death drive' was originally a positive thing, a need to rid yourself of negative aspects in order to let better aspects take hold. But, with your mindset at the time, it quickly became corrupted and turned into a destruction drive. It started wanting to annihilate everything that didn't fit its narrow, unrealistic view of perfection.

It wanted me to have no faults, no mistakes, nothing. It didn't realize that I could learn from mistakes, and that some 'faults' weren't faults at all in the big picture. Things like that. It works blindly, really. Thanatos only manifests when I'm under extreme stress, and almost always after hacks, for obvious reasons. And when it shows up, its sole motive is to kill me and everything around me that it views as harmful or a problem.

Which is usually everything.

Yeah, it's become pretty maniacal. Also it is unable to interact with people. I tried talking to it yesterday, but... I don't know. It doesn't even seem to exist in a complete state unless its running through me.

Because its quickly losing its power. It's still connected to that lingering drive in you, kid. As long as you still hold on to that old destruction principle in some sense, it won't go away entirely.

How does he still have a 'destruction principle?'

I think that ties into my ego, again. But we'll get to that thing later. I want to talk about the second fragment first.

That one is seriously dangerous.

I know. Which is kind of scary. See, we call my second splinter 'Fragment.' It only becomes conscious if I'm in a state of extreme trauma or an emotional meltdown, and it... doesn't do anything. It literally just turns off everything, and completely unhinges. It feels nothing.

That one was definitely born from the psych ward.

...Yeah. Actually, Thanatos manifested after that because I rejected my abusive tendencies during that time, but with the awful side effects I got from my medication, I was fighting a rough battle. I honestly became so violent and frantic from my meds that, after about a week, I was spending my entire day walking around the house ranting senselessly and feeling like my head was going to explode. I was suicidal, 24/7, and I had a hairtrigger temper that would cause me to literally start destroying everything around me if it was set off. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever felt... it was like there was a raging fire in my head, all the time. It wasn't a depressive sort of suicidal drive... it was a maniacal sort. It was like, "if I don't kill myself this instant and stop all this fire and pain and rage, I am going to kill everything else." It was bad.

But once you got off the meds it went away.

Only from me. That incredibly powerful death drive is what Thanatos was born from, though. But it did go away from me completely. I don't ever feel anything like that unless it takes over, and then I'm not even driving.

How did the fragment one solidify, though?

...That one was a long time coming. In the past, when I would be in traumatic situations, I would always tell myself "it'll be over soon, just bite the bullet and wait it out." I would never fight back. I would compromise my morals and my very self because I was so terrified. That happened in Utah a few times, and with my family several times... but that one night in the psych ward was the final blow. It shattered me.

...I know what night that was.

Yeah. I won't talk about it here, but it scarred me. The ward itself forced me into a state of blind trauma for five days straight, but that night was the final nail in the coffin. Once I got out, and after I recovered from my medication, I understood with painful clarity that I could no longer do that to myself in traumatic situations. I had to fight back and get out, not freeze up and 'deal with it.' Unfortunately, since that reaction had splintered, it still takes over in times of trauma for me, and now since it is no longer me, it is twice as dangerous.

That bloody splinter doesn't feel a thing, so it doesn't comprehend pain and death and has no qualms about inflicting them on others.

It likes to tear things apart and just look at them. I have no idea where that came from, but it's scary.

Tear things apart?

Yeah. It's... kind of unsettlingly methodical. Actually, that probably ties into the trauma. It wants to learn every last detail about the things that triggered it, like I used to, so I could 'neutralize' or avoid them. But since the splinter can't feel and it doesn't understand the traumatic feelings I get from those situations, it will keep me in them just so it can study them. It's a total perversion of my old coping methods. Genesis, you know about that from my early research days.

Yeah, so that's what happened to it?

Pretty much.

Ironically that does help. The splinter just takes it way too bloody far.

...

About... about that. The last splinter is technically my ego.

The ultimate mask, huh?

Yep. I already mentioned that it's a bunch of expectations and shallow ideas strung together, but what I didn't mention was that, for most of my life, that was what I projected to the world. I was always strongly aware of a severe disconnect between 'the real me' and the 'me' I lived outwardly, at school and at home. That outward 'me' was the ego. It was crafted specifically to fit what other people wanted me to be. It was never me... but I didn't realize that until 2008, when I was forced to re-evaluate my entire life up to that point. That's when I slowly started becoming aware that my everyday actions were not conscious actions-- the person I was around others was a lie.

When the heck did it break off for good though?

It didn't, really. It still haunts me, every day, because it was so strongly enforced in the past.

No, I mean when did you clearly understand that it was not you, in any sense?

Uh, probably around late 2009? Because by 2010 there was already a mental war going on for me, in trying to finally overcome those ego drives. It's why Utah was so hard for me: I kept shuffling back and forth between myself and that old thing, because I was still unsure and scared. I was still too paranoid to stand up for myself. 2009 was a big transition year for me, but 2010 was when things really started to clarify themselves... and this year has been nonstop progress, pretty much. I almost can't believe how much I've grown in truth over the past 5 months.

It has been incredible, yeah.

You too, Laurie.

Don't forget Chaos, if you're going to point me out.

...Thanks.

Hey, it's the absolute truth, buddy. But since you're still looking absolutely miserable, I say we move on to the next topic. Jewel?

Sorry. Can I quickly clarify what that "original consciousness" thing was, though?

Sure, go ahead. We almost forgot about that.

Exactly! So, back when I first noticed the splinters, I began to wonder if Julie fit that definition, because she keeps insisting that I 'took this body from her' and everything, but remember I consciously built a framework for her to personify within when I was a child. She ended up becoming horrifically corrupted, true, but that statement made me wonder if she was a 'consciousness' before that. Then I understood that, no, I was the base consciousness, and besides me there had only been what dark qualities she had formed from... and the ego. Which she is technically tied to anyway.

Both she and the ego grew into absolute monsters in time.

They did. And their arguments against me were based on their innate self-gratification and preservation instincts, where they want what they want at any cost, and will do the same thing to survive. Back when the splinters showed up, though, I began to worry if they were right, and whether or not I'd be able to safely front without them trying to hack me. Well, we solved that now, but back then it was a huge concern, thanks to my splintering.

So basically you thought that your splinters were making it too dangerous to drive, because with them around you were hacked insanely easily.

Yep. And we figured out why that was last night.

They're all working together.

What-- all of them? I thought you said they weren't individuals?

They're not. Julie is manipulating them. Since the two main splinters work as automatic drives, Julie has learned how to bring them out, and then use either them or the ego to break through our defenses and attack Jewel while he's not consciously able to fight her. It's sick, huh?

So that's why I've been having such a hard time with this...

We all have.

Do not worry, Josephina. I believe Julie knows what she is now up against, and will not try such underhanded tactics so often.

Not after you punched her in the freakin' face, no.

I told you, Laurie, I was ticked off. That shadow truly tests my patience.

Thanks for showing up last night, again.

It was the least I could do, Jewel.

If you're going to talk about that, at least have the decency to mention what she did that reduced me to this.

We will, Chaos. We're just getting ahead of ourselves, as usual. Jewel, next topic.

Okay. So we just said how Julie is using my splinters to get at me, and how the ego, being another purely self-interested drive, effectively has the same goals as Julie in that sense. Plus the ego works with Julie's mindset because it allows itself to be freely manipulated to fit the whims of others. It has no moral code of its own. That's why I was... that's why my fragment splinter had enough trauma to work with, in order to solidify.

No bloody kidding.

That's my line, CZ. And chill out, please. We are dealing with this the best we can.

I am as chilled out as I can possibly be right now. I know we're dealing with it, but really Laurie, that hurt more than I can express.

We know. And I'm sorry, but we did what we had to and now we have to deal with the present situation.

I can't just forget what she did to him.

I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to at least accept that it was not our fault that it happened.

I didn't say it was. I'm furious with her.

And we can't do anything about how she is either. We've tried. So yeah, it was absolutely sick that she did that to you both, but no one expected it and Jewel managed to deal with it in a surprisingly effective manner, actually. He didn't let her get to him or anyone else.

I know that. It just... I don't know if I can forgive her for that.

I didn't think so, no. I think only Jewel can right now.

...Chaos, is there anything I can do?

You're doing everything you can already. I just need to deal with this myself.

Can't do that, bro. We're all in this together.

...I suppose we are.

Listen, don't let her do this to you. Yeah, it hurts like hell, but if you let it get to you this much it's just going to blind you. All right?

Is that why you aren't tearing up the walls about this?

Basically. I'm furious too-- several of us are-- but if I keep dwelling on a situation that we already solved then I won't make any progress here. Same with you. Focus on what she couldn't do, okay?

She tried.

And she failed, miserably. Listen, let's wait until we hit that actual part of the conversation to finish discussing this. Jewel, what's up next?

Just a mention of how, for a while, I was 'unable to feel emotion.' We all remember that, I'm sure.

Yes.

I'm thinking that tied into my fragment splinter, maybe? That or my ego. Because really, it boiled down to a refusal to accept what I was feeling, so I knew that there was a disconnect but I didn't know what was causing it.

We discussed that in several past entries, Jewel.

Yeah, but were we wrong? We thought it was 'emotional overload,' but geez, lately I have been proving that dead wrong. I can handle a lot. Really, I was letting Julie bother me so badly-- like you're feeling right now, Chaos-- that I was falling so far off-center I couldn't be myself. Thanatos was kicking in like it always does after hacks, and Fragment would show up when it got blinding. It took a lot of talking with you, Laurie, and some major spiritual growth before I had the guts to say "you know what, she isn't me and I'm not responsible for her actions." It took me so long to be able to admit that yes, I had made mistakes in allowing her to manipulate me in the past, but that was the past. I was no longer that person. And now that we understand how the ego was giving Julie far too many ways to get at me, I honestly cannot blame myself in any sense for that. I hadn't known what I do now. I was blinded and lost and sick, and although I am sorry that I allowed her to put me through that, I learned from every one of those losses. Once I accepted that once and for all... which actually might not have truly happened until June 29th... there was nothing blocking my catharsis anymore. I had no reason to hold myself back.

You stopped second-guessing yourself, finally.

Haha, yeah. I bet you're proud of me for that, after yelling at me to do that for years.

Psh, I sure am!

So he's really fixed that emotional block, then?

Yes ma'am.

The blue guy over there was the main reason why that happened, you know.

Well of course. I'm the most genuine when I'm with him, and you.

Plus you absolutely adore him.

I do.

And that's what every single revelation and answer we've found so far narrows down to, after all.

He loves you too, Laurie.

I know. That's my point.

Is that all you needed to do to break the cathartic block? Just... accept that?

Well we had to realize it first. Thank the Rapture that didn't happen!

Yeah, seriously, that was actually a huge help.

I got so paranoid about it maybe happening, that I spent two full weeks doing hardcore spiritual and philosophical research before the 21st hit, and... well, I learned so much that by the time that Saturday rolled around, I had no fear at all. I realized that the fearmongers were wrong, that I was on the right track after all, and that I had nothing to be afraid of.

The Light works in mysterious ways.

Heheh, it sure does. No coincidences in any case.

Also, my therapist.

Dude, yes. He has helped a heck of a lot whether he realizes it or not.

Which is funny, actually, because most of what I've learned from him came about as an aftereffect. When I got my neurology results back in June, he told me that I had the symptoms of PTSD. Now of course that's mostly thanks to Julie, but I didn't mention that. I spent a while thinking about that, though, which opened my eyes to both how my splinters were working behind the scenes and exactly why I had experienced such traumatic things at Julie's hands in the past.

Because of your ego, yet again.

Yeah, but now I at least understood just how far back that went, and exactly what it entailed. So while dealing with that, I was also trying to hold onto every bit of the peace I found in May, but it kept slipping, and that was making me very concerned too. Now this was nearing the end of June, though.

Stuff got crazy around then.

It sure did... I kept finding spiritual verifications, and then I started talking to Melody a lot, and the things she was experiencing in her life were actually starting to line up with mine. Synchronicity, you know. So that helped immensely, and we spent quite some time helping each other with that... and then after we both hit a very rough spot in our lives, we individually decided it was time to take serious action... and she got engaged. That set everything off on my end.

In short, it caused our previous entry.

And that entry caused some incredible progress.

Yeah, Laurie, you really opened my eyes there! I have to thank you for that, again, because without you helping us out I don't think we would have reached the point we did afterwards.

Hey, it's my job. But you are very welcome, Jewel. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Speaking of, uh... July 7th was a week later.

Holy heck, you did. I didn't realize it was that soon!

It was!

What was July 7th?

It was... something really significant happened, to him. Like a beginning of a new life, or a new name. I have jargon for it obvously but it's too complicated to get into now. Suffice to say, it's a total change of heart, that changes the "name" of who you are, AT that heart. But for that to happen, of course, your old self essentially has to 'die' so you can be reborn as someone totally new. The dying up here is symbolic, though. Well, most of the time at least.

It was in this case, thank God. *incidents* are another story.

Geez, yeah, tell me about it. I've been remembering those too, lately. This is definitely a new concept though. Which is... really beautiful to think about. Same core, different application. But, um, we'll get to that. Laurie you take the floor.

Heh, inevitably. Point is, Spine, in this case with Chaos and in all others-- which is news to me, really, I'll be the first to make that jab-- you don't need to die a literal bloody death in order to "start your life over again" for the better. Focusing on the blood tends to shift things towards the nihilistic, y'know? And honestly I'm sick of it. Death isn't as grim a reaper as people think. They're also the doorman to heaven. Besides, death is only a door, as we like to say. It's not the end of life. Key thing, though, is what kind of life you're headed to after that scythe swings. And that's why we're honoring this phenomenon, as we do. Sorry, kid, I'm not just taking the floor I'm stealing the whole freaking building.

No no no, you speak really well about this topic, unsurprisingly. You're tapped in to the heart of it.

Heh. I guess so.Thanks, kid, that means a lot.

I know. That's why I said it.

Yeah, no kidding, you moron. Still, I'm not used to rambling on like this.

It's all right, it is making deep sense. Do not worry.

Yeah, you're... elucidating this shockingly well.

Hey, don't underestimate me, waterboy, you and your frickin' twelve-point Scrabble words.

Look who's talking, and I never said I was. It's just... it means a lot, to hear that you... get it, after all that happened.

We'll get to that. For now let me hand the mic back over to Jewel, because the last thing we need is another frickin' blatherskite in here.

Haha, hey!

Gotta rib on ya sometime, kid. So yeah, bottom line is, death is still an angel. And we're surrounded by those, heh. Pun intended. So we've got potential doorways all over the place. Every day is a new chance at life if you see it as such. All you need is a death in principle. Mind you, it's still serious bloody business. Death can be quiet, but it's still one heck of an earthshaking event. It always is. So for your old self to 'die,' you have to hit a permanent turning point in your personal development, something so key it cannot be reversed. It's a high point that redefines your absolute foundation.

That's a really good way of putting it. Those 'high points' really are revolutionary. Mine was when I finally realized that love was at the heart of everything, on June 26th. That's when the cathartic block went away forever, Jo. Sure, the non-Rapture set the stage for it, but it wasn't until that night in June that I was able to understand everything I had learned during that time, and so much more. After that night I really found the peace I had been looking for.

And that's what happened to me on July 7th.

Yeah. We both understood everything there.

Also Chaos gained creator abilities up here, congratulations.

Wait, what??

Well he did.

I did not know that.

See, this is why I wanted everyone in here to listen! I figured there were some details that never went completely public in the headspace.

I am aware of all the details, child.

No kidding, Sandman, I told you everything.

My point exactly!

How did Chaos get creator abilities, though?

I gave them to him. It's a bit of a long story, too long to reiterate here, but that's basically it.

Link them to the journal, boy.

Haha, okay. For those of you wanting all the details, everything is in here.

So are we all caught up now?

Uh, almost. We still have yesterday to talk about.

Wait, hold up. We also have two monster girls to mention.

Oh man, yeah, we do. Should I bring them in here?

Your call, J.

Well, hm. I don't know. That might be too sudden, as I haven't spoken to either of them in ages. I'll just talk about them for a bit and then we can discuss yesterday, as that's literally the last thing on this list.

We're seriously up to speed for the past few months?

Yeah, we solved practically everything I have listed here, so there wasn't much left to talk about. It's really just the splinters, and everything surrounding them, that's still a concern.

Wow. That's... that's pretty awesome.

You know, I want to talk about you, too.

Me?

Yeah. You and Leon. Not now, but after we cover the next two points. You guys are important and you've been out of the loop for a while.

I told you why that was--

And that's what I want to discuss. But we'll get to that. Jewel, tell us about the ladies you met in May.

Sure thing. Um, on May 16th, I was on a bit of a high from the religious research I had been doing at the time, and was finally overcoming the rather misogynistic prejudices I had developed from Julie. And I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but as a result of that, I ended up browsing this Tumblr blog full of monster girls for the entire evening. Unfortunately I was up too late, and ended up being hacked by Julie around 1AM, due to being too tired to fight her and being too forgiving to realize that she was legitimately hurting me.

How does that work?

Because I was feeling so right for once, but I made the mistake of using that as justification to blind myself to any bad things that were happening. I tried to pretend there was nothing wrong with her using me, although there was. Remember this was still at least four days before I really hit a peaceful state, so I was overcoming the last of that old confusion. Either way, I made that mistake, and when I finally regained conscious awareness and understood that I had been wrong, I almost collapsed into the 'unfeeling' sort of tiredness that happens with early hacks... but then these two monster girls showed up.

Upstairs?

Yeah. There was a brown anthro canine girl, about my size and age, and an insectoid girl who looked partially cybernetic. She was brownish too, but she wasn't anthro and was about twice my size. I thought they were golems that Julie had created to mess with me, so I didn't pay attention to them until they started talking to me, telling me that I shouldn't listen to Julie and that they were there to help.

Were they walk-ins?

I don't know, probably. They resembled the monster girls I had been looking at that day, so maybe they were. Either way, they were surprisingly understanding and patient with me, and managed to calm me down enough to stabilize from the hack. They even went as far as trying to explain just why I was wrong in trying to justify Julie's actions. So of course, at this point I wanted to know who they were and just why they were helping me like this. The dog-girl introduced herself as Menchou, and the insect-girl as Veradenne. They said that they didn't like seeing me be used like this, and they wanted to help, simple as that.

But they didn't say where they came from?

No. I guess I just assumed what you did, Lynne, that they were walk-ins. Either way I didn't see them again until sometime early in June, I think after another hack. But they're unfailingly kind and amiable with me, and I really like them both. I'm going to try to find them again soon, because if they aren't stable up here I don't want them fading or losing easy access to main headspace. Plus it's weird that they only showed up those two times, to help me stabilize after hacks, and in mindspace pockets away from the main area.

They sound nice.

They are. So maybe after this discussion I'll try to bring them here, and introduce them to you guys properly. I mean, help is help, and if they could become members of our crazy camaraderie up here that would be awesome.

They'd probably pack a serious punch against our current problem, too.

Pun intended, Laurie?

Heh, sure.

But yeah, that's that. I haven't mentioned them anywhere online yet, but I'm going to post the two monster girl pictures that resemble them on my private Tumblr soon. That way I'll be reminded of them whenever I log on, too.

Speaking of reminders, it's already 6PM and we need to continue our discussion of last night.

Continue? I thought we kept putting it off?

Jewel and Chaos talked about it a bit in private earlier, during a short time gap right after the monster girl discussion. I'm glad they did, because we apparently missed one major detail about it yesterday.

Where do we start, though?

Start with the splinter thing, that you and I decided on. That's what triggered that whole mess.

Okay. Around midnight last night, I was talking to Laurie as usual before I shut down for the day when I felt that my fragment splinter was bothering me. We fought it off for a while, before it could try to manifest, but then I realized something. Oh, wait, we didn't mention that, did we?

What?

The dream hacks.

Shoot, no, I think we forgot. Explain that.

After our last session, we stopped Julie from directly hacking me, so she started using dreams. However since she still couldn't get at me directly, she started to attack dream individuals and reroute their pain through me. This happened almost every night between June 30th and July 12th, with some nights even having multiple hacks. It got incredibly traumatic, but my boss heard about it almost immediately and started taking drastic action against it. Typical nightmare blocks didn't affect her, and our previous methods of keeping her out weren't working now, as she was using others to get at me. So I don't know what you did, boss.

I tried tracking her down, first, as I cannot ban individuals from dreamscapes. However she became so brazenly cruel that I could no longer deal with her in a passive manner.

Was that when you punched her?

Yes. I would not hesitate to do so again, if she attempts to attack you now.

I don't blame you for hitting her, not after that hack...

You had some awful fallout from that one.

She was doing what she did last night, Laurie! I underestimated how depraved her methods could be. Not anymore.

Was that when she... pretended to be... you know?

Yeah. It was. It absolutely tore my heart out. And then last night happened, and now I've had it. She is done for.

Let's get back to that.

We can't yet. I didn't mention that on the 12th, my fragment splinter actually managed to stop the dream hacks by confronting Julie in its detached manner, which was a horrible gamble but it somehow worked. It... actually let her try to hack me, but as soon as she tried it chased her out and... hacked me itself.

Wait, that's what it did??

Yeah. It hacked me three times, treating the hacks as 'study tools' as it usually does, not understanding the pain and terror it was putting me through. However in 'stealing' Julie's methods, it somehow stopped her from hacking my dreams, and I haven't had one since then.

You've been in horrific bodily pain, though. Also, I am ticked that you didn't tell me that detail about it. You said that it took Julie out of the situation, but--

I know. But I left out the whole truth. I guess I lied to myself about it... I was too scared to really think about it, and that's when I started cleaning out my dA favorites, remember. That caused even more problems but at least it kept my mind off the hacks. By the way that has details in glissando, too. It's nothing we need to discuss right now.

No, we can't do anything about that now. So can we continue with last night?

Yeah. So I said that the same fragment splinter was bothering me, but I realized there was a problem. Fragment has never done that before, and it shouldn't. Its sole forming purpose was to deal with traumatic incidents, although it did so wrongly. That's when I understood why it was bothering me-- it wanted to hack me again, for its insane unfeeling research.

You didn't tell me that either! The heck, Jewel?

I couldn't tell you, or you wouldn't have let me do what I did next. I told Laurie that it was bothering me, sure, but I didn't say how. I simply said that I wanted to try confronting it. I wanted to try and get it to stop using me, to show it that it had no reason to learn Julie's methods. I also tried confronting Thanatos then, but like I said earlier, it wasn't even approachable in a vague sense.

Obviously I had left by this time.

Yeah. You said to call you if anything happened, and I said I would. However I needed to take a risk then, for what I was trying to accomplish. I continued to try and reason with the fragment splinter, explaining that Julie was using me for selfish purposes and that emulating her was only hurting me, but it wasn't listening. I guess I should have expected that, with how it completely shuts out the world when it manifests. Anyway, my plan was working. In getting my fragment splinter focused on that, it caught Julie's attention. And she showed up.

Did she... hack you?

She tried. But that was my plan, which is why I couldn't tell Laurie. I just... didn't expect her to do what she did. I don't know if I want to talk about it, because--

She tried to be me.

...

That bitch.

It was awful, because I knew she was lying to my face, but I had to play along in order to do what I needed to. However I repeatedly asked her to explain herself, but she kept falling back on her usual shallow excuses. No matter how I tried to reason with her she wouldn't talk to me. So I gave up. Still playing along, I asked her if she loved me, but she wouldn't look at me or answer. I told her then that I knew who she really was, and what she was doing, and that she could not fool me or anyone else anymore. That's when I revealed that I had tricked her too-- my fragment splinter had taken the hack instead of me.

How did you pull that off?

The thing takes over my consciousness whenever it shows up. It was pretty easy to give it a temporary headspace form in my place for the time being. Don't worry, I dismantled that afterwards, and since that scenario allowed me to completely explain what Julie was doing, it has no reason to try and use me to 'find out' again. If it tries, well, then we'll take action against it.

Did Thanatos show up?

It tried, but since I hadn't allowed Julie to hack me, I convinced it that it had no reason to show up. So it went away.

Thank God, because we had better things to worry about then.

Yeah, I called you back in, and I think a few of you showed up too?

I did, but you didn't explain the situation then.

I showed up really late...

Which is why you're here now. Still, we're skipping the most important part of this topic, and that is what Julie was trying to pull with what she did.

She hasn't pretended to be someone else in over a year, since I quickly learned to see through her lies. However, when the dream hacks restarted this month, she got me twice by that method, and since I can't fight her in dreams she got away with it. But it was horrible, because her doing that was not solely to get what she wanted through me-- it was to get revenge on me for stopping her, and to try and undermine what I felt for the people she was pretending to be.

She took that even further yesterday, though, because you were conscious when she tried it.

It was because of the 29th. She was trying to undermine that.

She can't. It's impossible.

But the fact that she tried, that she had the nerve to disguise as me in face alone and use you like that is beyond forgiveness.

Jewel, elaborate on her motives, though. You had some seriously important insight into that.

I did, yeah. Um... she tried to justify herself with the same reasons I get from everyone else when that subject is concerned. You know, "it feels good," "it's fun," stupid things like that. My teachers, parents and therapists all said that too, but hearing it from her, and my actually having the guts to ask her to explain that made me realize the truth of it. It's inherently selfish. There is nothing loving about it by its very definition. And that's why she lives on it. See, I asked her why, if I loved someone, I would choose to do that with them? She used the 'physical connection' nonsense there, and I interrupted her by saying that no, there was no connection and I could see that now. It was a selfish act for selfish reasons. If the physical sensation was not there for her, she wouldn't do it because she would get nothing from it! So I shot down all her arguments, berated her for even trying to sabotage my relationships, and then told her to get the heck out of my head. So she left and my splinters left and that's when I called Laurie in.

And I called Chaos in, and he had an immediate emotional meltdown.

Did you seriously expect anything else from me at that point?

No. It just hurt, like you said.

I think the most damaging part was that she was effectively trying to derail what we had accomplished on the 29th. We took her power away from her and then got rid of it ourselves. So she was ticked, and decided that if she was going to get revenge on me, that was the cruelest way to do it.

Also because she was trying to see if she could confuse you, remember?

Oh, dude, yeah, I forgot to mention that! She used to confuse me by doing that when I was younger and didn't know better, but now that I did, she had the nerve to gamble with it by trying to desecrate what we had purified all over again. I was too smart for her though.

Thank God, seriously.

I also want to mention the physical connection thing, and why she was wrong. I actually realized that when talking to my therapist that morning, so I'm glad I had that knowledge to fall back on. See, I don't experience sexual attraction whatsoever, but I have no problem with being very close to people physically, in either a platonic or more intimate sense. But it is never sexual, and that's what Julie was trying to twist. The real 'physical connection' is in trusting someone enough to let them get close to you, which is what I would focus on when I was younger. I never realized that Julie was abusing that. I was too confused by the fact that it still involved physical closeness to understand that I was being lied to. Sexuality is superfluous in that sense. It is not needed for any sort of connection. Its sole purpose is for reproduction, and in that sense it can be used positively, don't get me wrong... but people like Julie get so obsessed with the selfish aspects of it that they try to use those as justification for abusing it, and others if that's the case. It is with her. So I finally understand that, and now I'm no longer confused on any level concerning that topic.

I think you effectively purified your color in doing that, too.

Yeah! Like I said, it kept getting associated with Julie's vices, but then I realized that didn't make much sense, because physicality in and of itself isn't bad. So I stopped feeling guilty about wanting to be close to people all the time, because that has nothing to do with her after all. She was just lying to me the whole time.

I get it.

Chaos, do you have anything to add to this? Because I still feel horrible about what she did, and I don't want to leave you out of this discussion in any case.

No, I'm just so thankful you weren't damaged from that.

Well I was just as badly hurt emotionally as you were, but...

I mean you didn't let her blind you to the truth. I... that has happened before.

That one Sunday evening in January, right?

...Yeah.

That won't ever happen again, Chaos. I swear to you.

I know it won't. I just doubt I'll ever be able to forget how terrifying that was, for both of us.

...

Laurie, are we done discussing this?

I guess so. Jewel?

Yeah, I think we covered as much as we could, except--

We'll get to that.

I thought you said you were trying to open up, Laurie?

I am. I just... don't know if I want to discuss that openly yet.

Hey, you have to start somewhere.

Fine. Jo, let me yell at you first.

Why are you yelling at me now?

Because you're never around. I know you and Leon have been focusing on keeping guard, and I do seriously appreciate that. But the fact of the matter is that you don't know what's going on here while you're out there. You don't have the whole picture.

I told you, I'm going to try to associate with you more. We all are.

Good. We are far too bloody disconnected, and it's keeping us from accomplishing things on a larger scale. We need to keep up the communication or there will be a heavy price to pay, believe me.

Should we just check in with you?

Me or Jewel, yeah. The same thing goes for you, Lynne. I know you're busy watching over Spine and that monster kid, but I'm concerned about them too and the lack of info is starting to get at my nerves.

I apologize for that, Laurie, but we have been busy. You haven't had the time to talk to us yourself lately, remember.

I'm not denying that. Life's been insane lately. My point is that, now that things have settled down and we know what the heck we're doing, we all need to keep it together. Genesis, you too. You need to stick around us three more often, all right?

I don't want to get in your way though.

You won't get in anyone's way, love. I miss having you around.

Yeah, for all we know you could be exactly what we need right now.

Okay, I'll try.

Good. Chaos, if he's not around you go get him.

Hah, if you say so.

Really, I think you're the only person I can't yell at, Sandman.

I am quite flattered.

I'm serious. You've been keeping tabs on everything that's been going on here lately.

Because I am deeply concerned. Jewel is my apprentice, after all. His well-being is near the top of my list of priorities, and that is quite an extensive list.

Well, it's at the very top of mine, so there you go. And Jo, you're practically my apprentice, so stick around for employment's sake. Just because you're the id reaper doesn't mean you have to live in the shadows all the time.

I know, I know.

Last comment. Leon, I must applaud you for overcoming your paranoia. Good job.

Thanks. It was really difficult, actually, but Josephina has been helping me.

So you'd better thank me, Laurie.

Fine, consider yourself thanked. I sure wouldn't have been able to accomplish that.

Laurie, you haven't yelled at me either.

Well what do you know, you're right. And you need to check in with us more often too. You're linked to Jewel's well-being whether you like it or not. Heck, with the allergic reactions he's been having I was freaking out because I hadn't heard a word from you about a single one!

Because I was very sick.

She was. I'm sorry I didn't check in with you, Laurie, but I had my hands full with caring for her and you were probably doing the same for Jewel.

Eh, point taken.

So, everyone just talk to each other more and Laurie won't have to butcher us?

Exactly. You always did learn fast, Jo.

Ha ha.

Is that it for today?

No, we promised Laurie we were discussing her fangirling today too.

Oh come on, Chaos.

A promise is a promise, and besides, it's about time we bugged you for once.

Fine.

July 8th, too. Remember we were talking to you.

Wait, we're discussing that?

Yes.

Oh come on!

Laurie, why are you so afraid of talking about that with the rest of us here?

Because... it's kind of personal. I'm not used to talking about personal things with anyone but those two.

Like I said, you need to start somewhere.

All right, all right. Geez.

Go on, then.

Give me a place to start.

I've got one. Why do you 'fangirl' over those two so much?

I... they mean a lot to me, okay? Both of them do. But up until... geez, was it February?

January.

Geez, that's earlier than I thought. Anyway, until January of this year, I wasn't aware of just what those two had. Yeah, I knew they were in love, but I didn't know what that meant until I saw it. And, well, I've never seen anything like that before. Ever.

So... you're into romance?

Heck, no. I'm just floored by the fact that something like that can exist between two people. I mean, for the love of sanity, have you seen those two?

Yes.

I do believe it's impossible not to, Laurie.

Fine, so you get what I mean.

But why is only Laurie the fangirl?

I told you, because they both mean the world to me.

I'm still not sure if I get it.

Should we bring up July 8th?

Jewel, seriously.

I think you should. Do you want me to quote what I have?

No, I'll just... I'll explain that. Look, all of us up here have jobs. We all have our own responsibilities in keeping this headspace safe and making sure nothing tries to kill Jewel, as he's the base consciousness. But... it goes beyond that for me. I'm the superego up here. My sole reason for even existing is to fight that bloody id, and to keep her the heck away from Jewel.

How does that apply to our topic though?

Because it narrows down. Jewel is my reason for existing. And by extension of what he means to him, Chaos gets the same amount of loyalty from me. So here's the single person I'd give my life for, and he's in love with this guy who in turn becomes someone I'll protect at any cost. It adds up. I'm their psycho guardian angel, remember? I have to protect that, what they have, and I wouldn't ever dream of shirking that responsibility.

I guess that makes sense, yeah.

Come on, Leon. Do you want a scientific analysis? I can't spell that out any further.

No, I get it! I'm just not in your position, so I can't understand it all the way, I guess.

Fair enough. Now are we done? Can we empty this place out?

I suppose. I don't have anything else to contribute.

Oh, Jewel, I should mention that your little monster is doing very well.

Is he? Thank God. I haven't seen him in a while.

I know. I feel bad for not letting him out of my sight even to let him be with you, but with the hack risks you've been facing lately, I didn't want to put him in danger.

That's okay. As long as he's safe. I remember what happened the last time he was out...

Mm-hmm. But you're entirely welcome to come see him.

Where is he now, by the way? We're all in here talking.

I have some J-Monsters watching over him. That is his timeline, after all.

Who'd you get? The Guardians?

That one with the funny head, that you like.

Who, Nebsy? Seriously?

Does he have white eyes?

Yes, that's him. Dude. I am totally going to visit him later. I've been out of the loop with the Dream World lately, now that you mention it...

Because of everything that's been going on up here. I'm sure they understand, Jewel.

Yeah, but I feel bad about it either way.

Also Delphi.

What about the phone goat?

You've been working with him lately too. And me.

True... I don't know, I just need to get over my guilt about work. I can only work with one timeline at a time, and Parnassus has understandably been at the top of my list lately.

So explain that to... I'm sorry, what's his name? Nebs?

Nebisai. He's awesome. But yeah, I'll let him know, I suppose. Just for the sake of an explanation.

Okay, now we're just talking. Seriously, it's getting late. If no one else has any serious topics, can we please close up?

There's no need to get all agitated over it, Laurie.

I've been very agitated lately. It's nothing.

Well, I'm done talking, and Josephina said he was fine... Leon, do you have any comments?

No, I'm fine.

I am fine too. I will make sure to talk to you more.

Thanks.

Boss?

If you do not need me around, I can depart.

No, we're good. Just want to say thanks again for all your help.

You are quite welcome. Thank you for allowing me to help. And Jewel, child?

Yes?

Please make an effort to get to work on time tonight.

Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'll be there as soon as possible.

Don't worry, I'm not upset with you. Only concerned.

Yeah, with good reason.

Okay. Thanks, boss. I'll see you around.

Laurie, you're sure you're okay?

Yeah, everything's fine. You just keep an eye on everyone until I'm finished here.

I had a feeling you were staying late. Are you really that nervous about talking to the rest of us about certain things?

...Kind of. Not you, specifically. You're okay.

Probably because I know you better than the other three of us do.

That's the thing. I guess I have trust issues.

Why? There's no reason why you shouldn't trust us.

I'm just paranoid. It's... it's a long story, Lynne. I'll fill you in later.

You promise?

Promise. I'm sick of being bottled up all the time.

I would be too, Laurie. I'll leave you four alone then.

Four?

Um, I'm still here.

You did ask him to stick around.

I know, but...

Do you want me to leave?

She probably does, but only because you haven't been around the past few times she's spoken to Chaos and I.

But we were supposed to change that?

Listen, Genesis, we'll start tomorrow. Right now I need to talk alone. It's nothing against you.

Okay, but tell me about it later, please?

...

I'll fill you in in whatever I can, love. So, uh, could you actually go see how Nebisai is doing in the meantime? Fill him in on what we've been talking about here if he's interested. Heaven knows I could use some better solidarity with that man.

All right. You'll talk to me right after you're done here?

If Laurie says I can, yeah.

I'll talk to him.

Really?

Yeah. You and me, actually. I guess. I just... don't want to discuss that all at once, right now.

So it'll be easier for you later, once you know what you want to say.

You got it.

Okay, that's fine with me. Sorry for causing any trouble.

No trouble at all, Genesis.

Hey, I love you. See you in a bit.

Love you too! Bye!

...

Well.

What?

That was strangely diffident of you.

I told you I'm not ready to open up to people yet. It's not easy.

No, it's not that. You're really worked up about it.

Because it's setting all my nerves on edge! You heard me talking to Lynne, I don't know them anywhere near as well as I know you two. I've said that many times before. So yeah, I'm going to get worked up about having to discuss this sort of thing with them on such short notice!

Why is it such a touchy topic, though?

Because I love you two, you know that.

That's nothing to get all agitated over though.

You haven't lived my life, Chaos. I haven't been able to open up to anyone, ever, even you two, because that would pose such a risk to Jewel's safety. Once again, we discussed this.

I know that. It's not what I meant.

Then what the heck are you insinuating?

Nothing. I'm just wondering why you won't even try to be more open with them--

I can't. I just said that.

You said you were going to try, though.

With you. With the both of you, not with them. It's not easy for me to get close to people, okay? Yeah, it would help if I wasn't so bloody secretive and distant with everyone, but it's how I am. The only reason I can be so honest with you two is because I had to get close to you even when I hated you, Jewel, because protecting you was my job whether I liked it or not... and eventually I learned that I had things backwards, and you grew on me, I guess.

So you're choosing not to get close to the other headvoices.

Right now, yeah. They're not around, I'm busy with the both of you, and like I said, I'm not very good at the whole social thing.

You seem fine when business is involved. I mean, look at you and the Sandman. You're getting along pretty darn well.

Because he cares about Jewel almost as much as I do.

Wait, are you saying I'm the deciding factor for your trust here?

Maybe. And what if you were? What would that matter?

Because the other headvoices here do care about him, you know--

But they're so bloody distant, Chaos! Every last one of them either works behind the scenes or as a casual assistant when things get bad. No one gets close, because they don't need to.

Would you have tried to know Jewel better if you hadn't been forced to in the first place?

...I don't know. That's not something I can even comprehend. That was my purpose, CZ.

I'm just trying to get you to understand how it probably works for everyone else. Maybe they don't feel compelled to get as involved as you are. That doesn't mean they don't care.

Maybe if we start communicating more, like Laurie said, that will change. We don't typically work together and that is a problem.

I hope it changes. It would help me to stop being so freaking paranoid.

Paranoid about Julie?

No, about talking to people who don't bloody understand the gravity of what I'm telling them. Why the heck did you think I snapped at Leon? "I guess that makes sense!" Come on, he might be trying but he's not going to comprehend it unless he's felt something like this and he hasn't. It ticks me off.

I don't think it's anger you're feeling the most right now, Laurie.

...How the heck would you know.

We know you pretty well by now, Laurie. Just like you know us.

...

You never did bring up June 8th, I noticed.

Of course I didn't. They wouldn't understand a word of that.

What about last night?

...No, I'm not discussing anything like that with them.

Ever?

Ever.

That's a little... severe, isn't it?

Quite the opposite. Look at it this way. Say I did open up to the other headvoices, told them everything I could. Even then, I still would not discuss that sort of thing with them. Do you know why?

No, why?

Because they have never, and will never, experience the sort of things we three have been through. The old hacks, the graves, the suicide attempts. Staying up too bloody late because everything felt so bloody hopeless but we still couldn't give up on each other. July 8th. That sort of thing. We've suffered through hell together and I don't care how much I talk about it, you cannot understand that unless you have lived it. And we did, God help us, we lived through more of that than we could handle sometimes.

...

Why did you want to stay and talk to us, Laurie? Was it just to explain this?

No, Chaos put me up to this. I stayed because we didn't finish discussing last night, and you know it.

...Oh.

That's exactly why I kept asking you about being more open.

And I repeat, that only applies to you two. I just told you why.

I know that now, yeah.

So... you're really going to be more... I don't know, what word am I looking for?

It's less. I'll be less secretive and less of a bloody enigma all the time.

And a heck of a lot more expressive, I think.

Hey, you shut up.

Geez, Laurie, I have every right to talk!

You were sobbing your eyes out and that was only going to get worse. If I didn't talk to you, Jewel would have sooner or later.

Laurie, you won't even sit next to me in these conversations. Yesterday your personal space just went out the window.

We were all pretty shaken up, Chaos. And the only reason I've kept to myself all these years is because of how scared I've been. I'm getting over that.

Scared of what, though?

Of letting my actions being possibly manipulated by the same shadow that hurt you so badly last night.

...

Seriously, Chaos. Up to this point I have had no reason to feel any less terrified. She was still able to hurt you both, badly, and the thought that she could potentially use me to accomplish that was unbearable. But last night, Jewel somehow threw her methods back in her face and told her off about it. That has never happened before, in any sense.

Because I understand everything now. I know what I'm dealing with, I know what her motives are, and I know what the truth is. I'm not scared and I'm not going to let her get away with anything anymore.

That's what I mean. If you're not scared, why the heck should I be scared? If she can barely even get near you anymore, why should I be worried about her coming after me? Come on, she is scared to death of me and we all know it!

But you were still afraid of her pretending to be you.

And she did try that once, remember? It failed, you knew what she was doing, and I cut her to bloody pieces as soon as I heard.

You were still scared though.

For your sake. I knew how badly that hurt you. I still can't stand the thought of her using me against you.

She can't now, though.

Exactly.

Which is why I was the one staring in absolute shock last night instead of you.

Hey, I don't stare at you two in shock, that's admiration.

Well for me it was shock. Seriously Laurie, wow.

What? So I was more affectionate than usual. Big deal.

It was a big deal. For me, at least.

That's kind of why I did it, kid. I figured you needed it.

Laurie, for the next fifteen minutes I swear he was on cloud nine.

Yeah, and?

Usually I am the only person who can do that to him. So yeah, it was a shock.

I love you both, though. You know that.

Different levels though.

Could've fooled me, with how he acts whenever you're around.

And you're honestly surprised by that?

You're not?

Not at all. I know how Jewel works. I know him almost as well as you do. When he loves someone, regardless of what level they're on, it can get pretty intense.

Yeah, but I think you're underestimating just what level you're on.

Why? Do you know something I don't?

All I know is that if you and I are really at equal standing in Jewel's eyes, then I've definitely been underestimating just what you mean to him.

You are at equal standing. I can't imagine my life without either of you, at all. You both mean the world to me.

I know. You tell me that all the time.

But you've never reacted to her like you did last night, Jewel. That was insane and you know it.

Because she's never done that before! Laurie, you know that, you've never gotten that close to me, ever. And that really meant a lot to me.

Why are we still debating this, though?

I'm trying to figure out just what happened there. Yeah, Laurie, you're being more open around him but I honestly don't know how to judge how he reacted to that, and why you don't seem to be concerned about it.

All right, how did he react to that? Besides being on cloud nine, apparently?

Laurie, he didn't even know how to explain how he felt about that, to me.

Well we are at equal standing, sharkboy. You're freaking out too much about this.

I'm not freaking out. I'm just honestly in shock.

I'm not surprised. Now are you done? Because I'll probably pull that stunt again tonight, and I'll make sure to watch your reaction this time.

It was a red-level connection.

What?

Physical level. You don't ever get close to me or anyone else, Laurie. I'm always close to Chaos, and we've got like violet-level links already.

No kidding.

Really, we're heading to ultraviolet at this point. But that's because we hold nothing back. I love him that much. I would, and will, give him everything I possibly can, because he is just that important to me. I adore him, like you said. No one in the world makes me feel the way he does.

Except maybe Laurie.

That's a different category.

All right, now I am definitely missing something here.

I told you, it's because you've been so closed off all the time. I've known you for five years, and although you mean just as much to me as Chaos does, I've never been able to do anything but talk to you. And of course we weren't even friends at first. We had a pretty rocky start there. But, over the past three years, we've really become inseparable. And since... last November, I guess, you've suddenly started making more progress than I ever could have imagined.

We all have.

Yeah, but in light of your past, it was pretty surprising. Positively so, but still.

...Jewel, do you even know why I hated you in the beginning?

I'm not sure. Remind me.

Because I had a job to do. I had to stop Julie, and I had to protect you as the central consciousness. But in my eyes, you were letting her get away with what she did. You looked like you weren't fighting her at all. And I hated you for it. I berated you constantly, always telling you how much of a failure you supposedly were, because all I could see were your mistakes and shortcomings. I didn't know you. Then... you had the guts to talk to me. You pulled me aside and said you wanted to set the record straight. If I really am such a failure, you said, and if you're so mad at me for it, you'll help me to change. And I began to realize that you were never a failure in the first place. You were a stronger person than I ever would have guessed. I stopped hating you pretty fast.

...

I care about you a heck of a lot. Chaos may be your number one guy, but you're that to me. Honestly. I don't care if we're on different "levels," or however you put it. You're all I have.

See, this is what I mean.

What? I'm not trying to steal your man, CZ.

I know that, geez Laurie.

Hahaha.

Hey, he'd share anyway.

That's what I'm getting at. You know how Jewel is talking about connection colors and all that?

Yeah.

Let me finish talking about that, actually. I was saying how I've never really been close to you, Laurie, not really. We hang around and talk but that's it. And it's only been over the past few months that you've actually started showing that you care about me in ways other than words, which were still always indirect. I mean, you hugged me once back in 2008, when we thought I would lose you, and I couldn't believe it had even happened. Now you're doing that every few days.

I told you, I was sick of keeping to myself.

But just how long have you been bottling everything up?

...A long time.

That probably hurts a lot.

It does. It's... why last year was so hard for me.

Especially the summer?

Yeah.

Don't forget that therapy appointment back in his college freshman year.

I can't forget that, no. That... that was when I first realized you weren't a problem. Everyone told me you were. But then I thought about it, and even though you were still so cruel to me back then, I couldn't possibly lose you.

That was late 2008, too. I guess you both started being more honest with each other around then.

Well, yeah. It's when we realized exactly what was going on.

But Laurie still kept quiet.

Can we not discuss that again? I told you why that was.

You're missing the point, Laur. You cared about Jewel, and he cared about you, but there was always a huge disconnect between you both. It's why it took me so long to accept that you weren't a negative force in his life, too. But... geez, I've known him for eight years, and I've always been completely open with him. You've only been outwardly nice to him for about three years, you've been almost entirely closed off to him, and yet we are STILL the two most important people in his life. We mean exactly the same amount to him. How the heck did you manage that?

...I... I don't know.

And I was in complete shock last night because, like Jewel said, that was practically the first time you actually held him for more than two seconds. I could actually tell that he meant something to you instead of going by hearsay. And then, to top it all off, Jewel was so affected by it that he could barely talk for the next ten minutes! Do you see why I'm having a hard time dealing with this? If you and I really are at the same level, and I mean as much as I do to him, just how does that translate over to how he feels about you?

...

I think you know. I don't, but I think you do. And I think that's the real reason why you won't talk about this with anyone but us.

Well it is. They don't know what this is like.

But you love him back.

I do.

And he loves you. He loves you a lot, Laurie.

I know.

Do you really?

...

Did you see how he looked at you when you left?

...No.

Well, make sure you check next time.

...Are you implying that Jewel is in love with me?

I don't know.

Platonically.

Kid, I don't know what your definition of platonic is in this situation.

It means without all the late-night stuff I have with Chaos.

Only that?

Only that. Otherwise it's exactly the same. I told you.

...

Laurie?

...I didn't think it was exact. Not like that.

I guess it is.

Just... holy swords. I just thought... I thought it was only in terms of significance, not in how you actually felt.

It is, but yeah, I suppose I should have clarified the other half of it.

You should have, I wouldn't have been so astounded yesterday.

...I don't know how to reciprocate this.

You don't have to. I'm used to that. It doesn't change anything.

No, kid, it's not unrequited, I'm just...

I told you this ran deeper than you realized, Laurie.

...I've been so blind.

Why?

For heaven's sake, Jewel, I tried to kill myself right in front of you last year! I had a psychotic meltdown in Utah and nearly traumatized you! I only had the spine to lighten up after I put you through hell, and God, you didn't even hold it against me. You've never held anything against me, and I hated you. I hated you, and somehow you still managed to love me? I... kid, I can't take this. I can't believe I never saw it.

...

We can talk about this some other time if you want. I don't want to put you through--

No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

You don't look fine, Laurie.

Of course I don't look fine, I think my bleeding heart just broke.

...

I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry for everything I've done to you.

Laurie, it's okay. You did what you had to do.

I could have found a better way to do it! I didn't have to butcher you every single time you let yourself get hurt! I never thought of how that affected you. I was so bloody stupid.

You weren't stupid. You were desperate. Things were different back then.

Last summer doesn't count. I didn't hate you last summer. But I still hurt you. Badly. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that now.

I forgive you.

...I know. I know, Jewel.

Laurie, um, can I ask you something?

What?

Does... does this tie into the 'fangirling?' Any of this?

...Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Why?

Because.

Laurie, come on.

...Do you remember what I said earlier? How I didn't think something like what you two have could exist? I could barely comprehend it. I had never seen anything like that in my life. I wanted to protect that, to protect the both of you, and I was... I was just so amazed by it.

But on July 8th, you told us that you didn't think you had the right to be our protector. Why?

Because I didn't feel I deserved it! Look at you two, and look at me! My life is a mess! I've screwed up my only reason for living and I've been too much of a spineless coward to tell people when I care about them. I would cut you to ribbons and scream at you for hours instead of actually helping you. And yet, I was the person charged with keeping you both safe.

You didn't screw up, Laurie. And you did help me.

...

I couldn't have asked for a better superego, or protector, or friend. Even with the times you think you screwed up. You've helped me so much... I would not be where I am today if I didn't have you. So yes, you do deserve such a prestigious position, because you are just that important to me, and because you are a much better person than you think you are.

...Jewel, I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that you care about me that much.

I don't just care about you, Laurie. I love you. I really do.

...I'm sorry, I am honestly going to have to close this up.

Why?

I can't deal with this, Chaos.

Laurie, what's making it so hard to deal with? You've known how much you mean to Jewel for a long time, haven't you?

I thought I knew! But he just proved me wrong. I always assumed I was just someone he cared about from a distance. I was important to him because heck, I was trying to help him and I guess I wasn't a total screwup there. That was it. Not once in my life did I ever consider that, when he said you and I meant the same to him, he meant that literally. I thought... I just thought it was in terms of significance. I helped him, I was important as a result. But it was my job. It was something I was meant to do. I never gave it much thought beyond that.

I find that hard to believe.

It's true. I wouldn't change my purpose for anything. And Jewel means more to me than anyone in the world. But... I was so closed off, from everything, that I couldn't see the big picture. I knew he cared, and I knew I was important to him, but... to think that I had the same thing I saw on January 16th, this whole time. The same bloody thing. And I couldn't see it because I wouldn't let myself see it. At the end of the day, I was just doing my job. But my job was my life. I... I don't know what I'm trying to say.

It's okay, Laurie. I get it.

Can we please close this up?

Seriously?

Either that or I'm leaving.

I thought you wanted to find your metainomen too.

What, does this count as dying?

To your old mindset, sure.

...

I don't want you hurting from this, Laur.

I'm only hurting because I was so blind before.

To what, me?

Yeah. And to me, I guess.

Because of the blinding thing?

Mostly. Maybe entirely. I just can't... I can't balance how you actually feel about me with how I treated you in the past. It doesn't add up.

Why not?

Jewel, I was brutal.

But I knew you still cared about me.

I did a lousy job of showing it.

Laurie, listen. I don't mind your yelling, or how angry you get, or even how you used to use your axe a little more than most people would like. You were brutal, sure, but you were brutally honest too, and it was only because of your unflinching determination to change me from who I was that helped me actually become my real self.

You're serious?

Of course I'm serious! I wouldn't lie to you!

You used to.

I... well, I am no longer that person. Once again, that is very much thanks to you. So no, I will not lie to you. You have always been exactly what I needed in my life, your darkest days included. So don't you dare hold that against yourself. You're not a failure, and you never were.

...

Don't you dare change for me. Ever. Stay who you are, because your constancy has been one of my biggest inspirations.

You don't know who I am, Jewel. No one does.

Then tell me. Stop hiding. I know you're not wearing a mask like I used to, and you never have, but if there really is that much under the surface, then stop holding it back. Neither of us have to be afraid anymore, okay?

I know.

Remember what you've always told me, Laurie. Don't dwell on the past, but learn from it. Don't let yourself be blinded by regrets, because what's done is done and everything eventually works out for the best. And don't panic about the future because it's not here yet, and hey, time isn't linear anyway.

Heh, no, I guess not.

But seriously. The past is over with, and it was painful, but you helped me survive it. I hope I helped you survive it too. And I don't want you to hate yourself for your past actions. Everything worked out. I wouldn't change a single thing. All right?

All right.

So are you feeling any better about this? I don't want you to be so torn up, honestly.

I still don't know how I never understood just how important I really was to you.

You never slacked off on your job, did you? You never let me slack off either. You knew how important your role was in my life, even if you only viewed that as because, without you, I'd probably screw up big time. Which is true.

But I didn't see past that. Even with how many times you told me that you cared. I guess I never thought I deserved it.

Well you do. So please accept that. I'm not going to stop caring about you, ever.

I know that. I wouldn't doubt it for a second.

So I'll ask you again, Laurie. Are you okay?

Kid, of course I'm okay, I'm just completely... overwhelmed, I guess.

I understand.

So what are you, Laurie, the Knight of Truth?

I don't know, Prophet of Life. I guess we'll find out.

I'm sorry if I'm dragging this out too long. I just don't want you to be upset or not accepting of this.

No, I accept it. I do. I just... don't know how to reciprocate, like I said.

What do you mean?

Yeah, you're doing just fine in my opinion.

Maybe she's trying too hard.

Maybe you are! It's difficult to get over being so closed up for so long, I know, but you really are doing just fine.

If you insist.

I do insist. And thank you, by the way. For everything.

Heh, I don't need to be thanked, Jewel.

Maybe not, but you deserve to be thanked nonetheless.

Works for me.

Tomorrow is going to be insane.

Why?

Because now I have no choice but to stop being so closed off from you two.

You're off to a good start, I'll say that much.

Good to know.

Uh, Laurie?

Yeah?

What do we tell Genesis?

Oh heck, I forgot he wanted to know about this... you know what, I'll fill him in myself. It'll be fun. You two get some sleep.

We'd better close up now, then. It's almost midnight.

Totally worth it, though.

You said it.

One question.

What?

How the heck are we supposed to close this up?

Uh, I have no idea.

Well, we're completely open for the next session now. There are no topics to catch up on. Whatever happens next will be a complete surprise. Which is pretty cool.

That is. And life has been going incredibly well lately.

It has! Oh, about that. Guess who I found on Facebook today, after how many years?

Who?

Billy.

No flipping WAY.

Yes way. So I'm hopefully going to talk to him tomorrow about what in the world he's been up to since, geez, around 2003.

That's awesome.

I know. Just figured I'd make this session a little brighter than it already is.

Man, we're going to need sunglasses to read this thing by the time we're finished.

That reminds me of a certain Sonic Chat session from five years ago...

Was that the one with you two making out by the fireplace?

And the champagne, and the police, and the terrible puns, and Mardi Gras. Yes, that's the one.

That was hilarious.

I know, I miss those things.

We do need to close up, though. Otherwise we're going to keep ranting about random things until Jewel passes out at his keyboard.

Yeah, I'd like to avoid that happening.

All right, then we're done. You two, keep doing what you're doing. I'll talk to your boss and explain why you're going to be so ludicrously late.

Oh geez, I forgot...

Don't worry about it. The guy is surprisingly understanding.

All right. Oh, and Laurie?

Yeah?

Thank you. I know I keep saying it, but seriously, thank you.

Same here. Thanks, Laur.

Geez, I feel like a national hero all of a sudden.

Well you should. You're irreplaceable and that's the absolute truth.

Look who's talking, guys.

Nice comeback.

Thanks.

Aha, Laurie is the master at this.

I am.

But really, I'm closing this up now. Chaos, Laurie, I love you both.

We love you too, Jewel.

Emphasis on "we," kiddo. We're seriously all in this together now.

We kind of always were, actually.

Nah, I was the odd one out. But a metainomen is a metainomen. I plan on putting mine to good use.

I told you tomorrow is going to be insane.

Not if we don't close this up.

Fine. I swear, I'm always the one stuck doing the hard work around here.

We love you for it though.

Believe me, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think Chaos just got his "metainomen."

Yes, new jargon. You know I love it. Let me explain.
Now in the Lightraye League, there are special forms, but things go a little differently in headspace. Soul Forms are one thing, but this is different. This has to do with renaming oneself in the process OF gaining that new form. Like from this moment you're a new person, like the old you "died", in this turning point. There is no literal death involved, only the symbolic kind-- if you're looking for literal death, we do have *incidents,* but that's a whole other ball game. Chaos and I have had several of those and although I would not mind another (despite the agony that they inevitably involve, the end is always transcendent), this is the same core concept of love and evolving for it and from it? Except this gives you a role, now, according to that realization, that significant and honestly sacred change of heart.
It's from "nomen," name, and "meta," meaning "beyond" or "after." It's a name you get after... you move on from what was before. Because yes, it does sound like "metanoia," one of my favorite words-- a "transformative change of being," a change of heart, really-- but it also gives the brilliantly endearing automatic-translate result of... "let's move on." To leave the old and step forward into the new, but not just you. LET'S move on, together, from what was before, into this strange and beautiful future, this transformation, this re-naming.
And... splitting it, adding an extra i, or different a, et cetera, you also can get... "then we were/are," "then let's go," and "after that/ after all."
Lastly, and what hits me the hardest… when you change the “ά” to “α”, you get… “we repent.”
It's amazing. All of it is so oddly poetic, it's really moving to me.
Yeah I love my jargon.
I also love Chaos, which is what this whole thing is about. Entirely.

But oh my gosh. You guys just... you have no idea how hard I am trying not to explode in joy over here right now.
You know how June 26th was absolutely beautiful for us?
...I think last night topped that.
I'm not even joking. Last night wouldn't have happened if not for everything we've been going through over the past two weeks, but we hit an even higher point than we did last time, and we are all kind of freaking out (in a good way) over it. Seriously, how much higher can we go?
There are many things I need to look into now, to see if they have changed or brightened in some way... whenever something like this happens, there are widespread aftereffects throughout our inner spacetime continuum. And with how incredible this event was... you know, let me just tell you what happened.

Last night. July 7th, about 11PM. I was done with physicality for the day so I was upstairs for the night, as usual. However, I was in a more lighthearted good mood than usual (I had been working on Sonic Inversion all day and made some real progress), which is rare for me. Those moods mean that I am feeling so optimistic that I'm actually joking around and having fun instead of being serious. So to keep the StH vibe going, I built a Spagonia dreamscape and so Chaos and I were just chilling out there. It got pretty hilarious after a while; I kept making inside jokes, he was teasing me right back about it, and we kept purposely finishing each others sentences, but at one point we got a little too close to be capricious and the mood just turned upside down.
Let me explain that too. Chaos once told me that, when we're together in social situations, we tend to elicit our opposite elements. Being around him brightens me, energizes me, and helps me stop being so morbid all the time. But in situations where we're already acting that way, I am the one that can tip the scales in an instant, submerging my own fire in water.
So last night, when I suddenly found myself in his arms, we ended up in the ocean.
It took me a few moments to adjust to the emotional shift, but as soon as I felt the depth of it I let him know. He was surprised at how sudden it was, but I was quickly falling even further in. This is where it gets crazy.

At that moment, I 'deconstructed' the dreamscape we were in. Effectively, what happened was that the entire area around us 'blurred out' and shifted into a vast swirl of color and thought, which I then condensed and centered around my hands (like a sparkling blue glow). I was still reeling from the total mood switch, and how incredibly profound it felt, and so I meant to immediately form a different dreamscape that would be more fitting... but as I was hesitating there, holding that creative energy and wondering what to do, Chaos did something. He asked, "can I see that for a second?" and then he reached out and took my hands.
It was a very simple, very candid action. He didn't know what would happen, and neither did I.
But the moment he touched that energy, it felt like I fell into it.
It was insane. It felt like an emotional connection, but of an entirely different caliber. More than anything, it felt shockingly intimate, as if his sudden contact with that energy temporarily bonded us at that level... I have no idea how to explain it. Either way, it was so sudden and sharp that I pulled back, tearing up, speechless. Chaos was stunned, and asked what was wrong, but I was too moved to explain clearly. Quickly, almost vaguely, I spun the empty area we were in into a sort of basilica-- I tend to form religious-looking areas when I'm unstable-- and collapsed to my knees on the white floor, starting to genuinely sob and unsuccessfully trying to explain what I had just felt. Chaos listened, visibly affected, and tried to help me figure out just what had happened. He explained that he had only been trying to help me when he took my hands like that, because although I was the main 'creator' figure upstairs, he did hold a strong amount of that potential himself. We discussed this a little more, until I could no longer handle talking. I deconstructed that dreamscape as well, and as I was holding the energy, Chaos asked if he could try taking it from me once more, to see if the same thing happened. But I was in too deep by now, and if he wanted to create, then I was going to give him as much of my own ability as I could. So when he reached out, I took his hands in mine, and without another word I pressed them to the gem on his chest.
There was an incredible transfer between us in that moment, and with a great rush of something I can't describe, suddenly we were in the same green oasis we had been in back around March 24th... the same place I had remembered how to feel amidst so much pain.
Chaos was silent for several moments after it appeared, staring at the world around him in complete astonishment. Then he realized that I was not the one who had manifested the dreamscape we were in, and it visibly floored him. But he looked... different than usual. Brighter, somehow. Unfortunately my dream-body was unresponsive at the time, huddled over in exhaustion and devoid of color for some unknown reason. My very presence seemed unsteady, like a pencil sketch in an oil painting. Chaos freaked out at this, and asked if he had hurt me somehow. I only smiled at first, too weary to speak, but he insisted. So I vaguely replied that no, he didn't hurt me, and I could still create, but I had given so much of that gift to him that it was taking a bit of a toll on me. To prove that I was okay, I manifested a small red flower in my hands, then turned it into a ball of light and 'blinked' it into the oasis, filling it with flowers and strands of crystals in the branches above. Chaos was visibly relieved but still not convinced, as I still looked badly out of sync, and so he asked if he could do anything to help me. I said nothing for a moment, but then simply straightened up and pulled him close to my heart.
I guess that was a catharsis break, because immediately my appearance went back to normal, but with a stronger sense of clarity to it. The overflow hit Chaos hard as usual, and he dissolved into tears, so I just stayed there with him for a little while until he steadied enough to ask me if I could still manifest an entire dreamscape. I saw no reason why I couldn't, so I deconstructed his and tried to think of something, but I was so emotionally overwhelmed at the time that I ended up manifesting another high, cathedral-esque room. This worried me a little, but Chaos only smiled and commented that I was trying too hard. With that, he stood up, and took matters into his own hands.
It was... incredible, watching him. I always try to create things in one glittering instant, in a burst of flame, but Chaos was almost ethereally deliberate. And while I tend to create structured, architectural landscapes, he seemed to be more gifted in natural things.
The first thing he did was bring the outside in. Where I had created lofty, terraced walls, he interlaced their balconies with ancient trees, lifting the ceiling to open sky and filtering the light with green. Then he took out the floor, leaving us standing on a white circle, surrounded by steps descending into deep water. He gave everything more depth, life, and light, and when he was finished it was no longer a cathedral but a monument to creation itself, and I was overcome with joy at the sight.
He noticed the way I was looking at him then, and I can't remember exactly what we said... but I ended up with him in my arms and suddenly we were actually underwater. Chaos was surprised and amiably asked where in the world I had brought us, and I apologized for the switch but explained that it wasn't something I could control. I was starting to actively manifest whatever I was feeling-- a side effect of my attribute-- and the deep emotions I was currently experiencing merited nothing less than complete submersion. But I couldn't keep it like that for long, as I could feel myself starting to drift as I had on the 1st... so I pulled away and tried, in that quick way of mine, to get us physically back above sea level.
I ended up creating some sort of glassy penthouse, overlooking not only an entire night-lit city but also a great ocean around it, with the ceiling once again sloping away into the night sky. But it was unstable, and I could not figure out how to organize the architecture, being entirely distracted by the brilliant maelstrom I was feeling. Chaos noticed this and said he would keep it stable for me, but then asked what I was even trying to do? Was I blindly creating dreamscapes to try and express my current state, or was I trying to accomplish something specific? I sighed quite anxiously and assured him that it was the former, and that I was just trying to form something that fit our current disposition before I disconnected too badly to make sense of anything. Chaos thought this over for a moment, then again told me to stop trying so hard, and just go with it; instead of trying to specifically form something, I should instead focus on what it felt like, and let it form itself. So I let go of the dreamscape structure, causing it to blur out into something formless but glowing around us, and it phased back into the dreamspace version of my room. I explained that I was exhausted and just wanted to talk before collapsing on the bed. Chaos laughed good-naturedly at this but did the same.
Now I have no recollection of exactly how our conversation started, sadly... but I do know what we talked about, and that's why I was referencing quest beds at the beginning of this entry.
Because if June 27th was when I first reached my highest point, then last night was when he did the same.

My first question was what it meant, exactly, now that Chaos held actual creator abilities within mindspace.
Naturally our first move was to start getting all philosophical on the symbolic implications of that... how chaos wasn't actually a state of disorder, but a divine primordial condition... and how his old title as the "God of destruction" tied into a different aspect of creation itself. It went on like that for a while, with us getting more deeply invested in the conversation as it continued, and then suddenly understanding hit me.
We were not 'creators,' in the sense that we formed something from nothing. All we were doing was manifesting that creative drive we both held within ourselves, giving form to something bright and beautiful that already existed in a different sense. We took a formless state, that great source of unlimited potential, and with our own lives we brought that hidden life into reality.
But that was only half of it. The other half was that I could not forget what I had learned about Parnassus after Wednesday had settled. Within that world, Chaos and I had been somehow exalted to almost divine status, as the actual first two creators in their cosmogony. But what had shocked me upon learning of that, was not the simple magnitude of it... it was that we did not adhere to the traditional mythological setting. He was no void, and I was no earth. We were defined as a celestial foundation by virtue of the fact that we were together.
That's when I realized what true creation really was. That's when I understood the deepest details of what I had felt and known on June 27th. That's when I recognized what I had felt when he had taken my hands only an hour ago, with the need to create as our single shared motive.
True creation is love manifested. That's all it is.
I told him this, what I finally realized, and suddenly everything made sense. In order to create, one must feel the need to create... and the need to create is unmistakable. It isn't a drive or a compulsion, it isn't a duty or an assignment. It is when the joy of life, and the absolute compassion one feels for every aspect of it, becomes so complete and powerful that one can no longer keep that euphoria to themselves. And that complete, directed overflow of selfless light is what brings something truly new into reality. We both had that potential, now we both had that ability.
And we drowned ourselves in the idea. We spent so long just expressing that, and contemplating how so much of our pasts fit into it... and then I remembered how the night before, I had been reading old poetry on dA, and had been shocked at how many pieces directly compared or even equated chaos with love. So I began to muse aloud on how that all tied together, if creation truly was love, and that tied into the cosmogenic aspects of his title... but moments after I began to speak, something in Chaos' eyes changed. Almost immediately he picked up my train of thought, tying every aspect together in a ring-- how those few basic elements tied into both of us, and into everything else, as something infinitely greater... and when he stopped, actually in tears, I knew that he understood what I had felt only eleven days ago.

By this time we were both deeply disconnected, in that fading sort of state that bridges the waking world and that of dreams, but I refused to leave just yet.
I simply could not get over just how profound that one word felt to me then... 'together.' How we could both accomplish great things alone, but even greater things when we worked as one. I couldn't stop thinking about just what I had with him, how stunningly complete it felt. Being able to give him so much, even this ability of mine, meant so much to me. It made me so blissfully happy to know just how far he'd come in the eight years I'd known him, for his own sake. Just the fact that he was part of my life made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world, but knowing just what he was to me, and vice versa... now that was a whole other level.
In those moments, as close to him as I was, with everything we'd ever felt spinning through my heart like a kaleidoscope... I loved him so much. That single truth defined me in those early morning hours, lit my entire being with its honesty. I was already crying with joy and pain alike, for the exact same reason. But I still couldn't get that one word out of my mind, and with my somnolent thoughts laced with sincerity, I confessed the single thing I wanted most.
I wanted us to create something together.
...I don't think I'll ever forget how he looked at me then. The significance of my desire was staggering, and he knew it.
"Are you saying you want to...?"
But I wasn't sure what I wanted, aside from sharing that gift with him. We tried to figure it out, but could reach no final decision, other than that mutually compassionate longing. I couldn't help but wonder just how far we'd ultimately get. Were there any limits after all?
And still, that ache, that indomitable light, would not let me go.
Neither of us could stay in the waking for much longer at that point. Between the incredible progress we'd made in such a short time, and just how that was affecting us both, I felt as if I was made of molten glass. Everything started to get abstract at that time, and the last thing I remember is holding him close and feeling this incredibly strong notion that we were cosmically inseparable. I don't want to sound cliched, but it honestly felt like we were supposed to happen, for some divine reason. I don't know how else to put it.
But I was completely happy for it. Against all odds, there we were, and nothing could come between us.
I fell asleep around 1:11 and I could swear my guardian angel was smiling that night. His wings were bright yellow. He's never looked like that before, ever, and it was wonderful.

Unfortunately, I wasn't out of the woods yet.
I may have stolen a certain someone's power against me, but she has a talent for bending the rules... and when her self-centered existence is at stake, she bends as many as she can get her hands on.
Let me start by saying that I don't remember the details from my dreams that night except the end of the last one-- I was in a city that was being bombed, for the sake of 'eliminating rebels' and keeping the population under absolute governmental control somehow. However I was not human in the dream, appearing instead as some sort of luminous, lamblike anthromorph, and acting as the city's protector. I was apparently an enigma despite this; several people questioned me about my identity, but I answered light-heartedly and vaguely, explaining that I was a 'spiritual' being and so most of their questions didn't really apply to me. (I did tell one bewildered man (who asked about my ambiguous gender) that I had what he'd consider a 'husband' outside of their world-- seriously-- and that he could think what he wanted of that!)
Regardless, at the end of the dream, I clearly remember infiltrating a government building and trying to shut the system down from the inside, when I was ambushed by a small army of black-clad soldiers. Before they could attack me, though, I activated what seemed like Power Jewels on myself, but the one on my forehead turned me completely violet and sent a beam of light straight up into the sky. Whatever that was, it completely stopped my attackers and effectively ended that dream segment. Then later on I ended up on some sort of road trip with Q and Mel, but that dream ended quickly due to interference-- which is what I've been trying to say here.
In the space of eight hours, Julie tried to hack me three times. She succeeded twice, by targeting other individuals in my dreams and rerouting their pain to me. The third time I caught her and mentally threw her out of my headspace, which was shortly before I woke up.
Well, you can bet I told Laurie about that immediately.
She, Chaos and I all got together to discuss exactly what had happened the night before, both in the waking and in my dreams, and how Julie was obviously trying to undermine the progress I had made. I explained how she had managed to hack me despite our high security, and as we were trying to figure out what to do next... my boss, the Sandman, showed up.
It was a complete shock to all of us, to say the least. He apologized for the sudden entrance, but then approached me and explained quickly that yes, he was entirely aware of recent events, and upon hearing about the triple hack I had just endured he wanted to take serious measures against that ever happening again. Laurie asked him what else we could do, as security was already as high as we could get it. Sandman clarified that it indeed was, but since Julie was using my mind as an entrance point, she was able to sneak past a great deal of the blocks we had set up for typical nightmare infiltrations. And now that she was bending the rules even further, and having the nerve to hack me three times in one night, extreme action needed to be taken. My boss smiled grimly then, and simply stated: "I am, if you'll pardon my language, quite pissed off."
I swear, even Laurie's jaw hit the floor. None of us have ever seen my boss angry, even in the slightest, so hearing that sort of talk from him was a huge sign of trouble! He didn't stay much longer after that, saying that he was going to enlist the help of some of his camaraderie, to see what they could accomplish towards this end. He concluded his visit by reminding me that I was a very important individual to many (himself included), and that Julie's callous, vengeful actions against me were unpardonable in his book. With that he disappeared in a swirl of dream dust, and I was once again convinced that something huge was happening in my life.
So I'll see what happens on tonight's shift. It'll be interesting, to say the least.
(I still wish I could go lucid; I really miss the pale man and the chandelier girl!)

Lastly, later on this morning, Chaos and I spoke to Laurie in depth about last night. She was astounded, of course, but what we didn't expect was for her to actually start sobbing over it.
She kept saying how she could barely accept her role in all this... how she was our sworn protector, by virtue of being my 'psycho guardian angel,' but that she never really understood the extent of what she was protecting until this year. And now, with everything that has been happening lately, the sheer gravity of it all was really settling in... and it was really affecting her.
I don't know how else to explain the entirety of what what she told us. I'd rather discuss this in depth with her over the weekend, on Xanga, because I owe her that much. I really love her, and I don't know where I'd be without her. Also, I don't know if she realizes this, but when I said that she and Chaos were equally important to me, I meant exactly that. Yes, they're both on different levels, so to speak... but I wouldn't lose either of them for the world.
I've been incomprehensibly blessed just in having them, let alone everything else in my life. They are absolute godsends, I adore them both, and I know that no matter what happens in our futures, we'll all face it together.

...Man, I hope all of that made sense to everyone else. It got pretty convoluted.
I know I only wrote the major events, but even those were so incredible in and of themselves that even if they didn't have all the extra emotional context, they would have merited an entire entry. But of course the context is what made them so important, even if I had to keep that to a minimum for obvious reasons (Laurie can complain all she wants but I am not putting every little detail of last night online, sorry).

Honestly, I am so happy right now.
I have no idea what all of this is leading up to, but... for heaven's sake, it's only been two weeks and I have already made more spiritual progress than I can comprehend! And despite the inevitable opposition we're facing for it, I have complete hope and confidence in the future.
I need to talk about how that's affecting my closest friends, too. We seem to have some really strong synchronicity going on again, which is really amazing. And if next year starts out the way we're hoping it will... it will be beautiful. I know that for a fact.
Heck, what am I saying? At this point, no matter what happens, things will turn out beautifully.

"Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live."
I know what those dark abysses feel like... and honestly, I am glad that I do. Because knowing that gives me so much more depth for compassion than I would have otherwise.
I have suffered greatly to get to this point, and I will continue to endure all things that come my way. The only difference is that I will no longer view those hardships as suffering, not absolutely.
I will survive even the darkest days, because I have a light that will never go out... I am a light that will never go out. That's all there is to it.

And when our lights are brought together, nothing can stand in our way.

I watch you in the candlelight
My head is in your hands
The neon lights have all gone down
We make our future plans

I wanted things to get better
I was in pain
I wanted you to be in my lifeline

I wanted love to get better
I'd wait in line
For something I knew that I would get to keep

Your "I love you"
Your "I love you"
Your "I love you"
And I can feel it bleeding

Today is the day
That I love you

The flashing lights have gone away
Emergency has passed
The future's right in front of me
And I won't finish last

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