the spectrum heart cathedral system

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH J (UNSTABLE CORE)



…Why can't I cry?

It's not that you can't, it's that you won't.



…How do you know so much.

Because I'm in your head, you bozo. There are no walls up here. Everything you think and feel goes through the airwaves at some point and you know it; it just depends on who's tuned in to pick it up. I'm tuned into every damn station you've got. You're an open book to me. And I am to you, too, if you ever dared to look and listen.

No you're not.

You wanna bet?

…

Yeah, I used to have walls up, we all know that. I know that better than anyone. But who tore the damn things down? You. And yeah, I wear a ton of armor, I have to, it's part of my job defending you from the ton of terror you've gotta face up here on a daily basis. I've been failing at that lately and I'm sorry.

No you're not--

Yes I am, and you know it; we've all been failing at our jobs since North Carolina but that's not the immediate topic. That's next. What I'm saying right now is that yeah, I've got a lot of armor on, but that don't mean a thing to you. Not to you. You're the wound in my armor. You're the sword plunged straight through my chestplate. That will never change. No matter what hells you go through, kid, that defines you and I want you to remember that, no matter what self-hatred tries to oppose it. It's all lies. Hatred is the exact opposite of you.

Why have I been struggling so much with self-hatred lately?

North Carolina. That's step one.

Oh. …Yeah, it probably is.

Unresolved trauma and grief, no therapy of any progress towards that end, and no bloody xanga sessions until now, Hallelujah, it is Easter season after all, now get the heck out to that car and do your chores with your grandma before we lose our worktime.

Oh geez, I'm sorry!

Don't beat yourself up over it, kid. This is vital too. But we've gotta wait to discuss any heavy topics until we've got like… three solid hours of uninterrupted time. Plus we've got to invite other people in, and go through some archives as well.

Gotta start slow. Please.

We will, kid. Now move your butt. I'll be here.

Thanks, Laurie. I love you.

I love you too, and that's the most important core of this issue. Now, intermission. Hold on to that until then.


(9:49 AM)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH "LOTUS"



We need to talk about this eating disorder. It hasn't stopped yet, and although we’re not as bad as we used to be, it's still harmful and it needs to stop.

So what's the focus on it tonight, kid? Anything in particular or just the whole shebang?

Well, specifically the roots, the cause of it. We need to find that, the source, the motivation, so that no matter what happens next time, we can reroute that initial impulse to something productive and/or healing.

Sounds good to me, kid. By the way I apologize-- one, it is really hard to front or be conscious right now, and two, you still don't got a bloody name so that's throwing this whole entire thing into havoc.

I'm speaking mainly through the Autopilot right now in any case, but you're right. I am still searching for a name that fits and doesn't call anyone else out. But why are you struggling to be conscious? Body fatigue? Or are we still too heavily in the social context?

Bit of both, mostly the first. All that bingeing nonsense is wreaking havoc on our collective mind and frankly that's walling us all out upstairs. Body wants to dissociate and THAT might be playing into the bingeing thing, too, kid. It's looking for some excuse to unplug for a few hours, and right now we keep bloody forgetting that we CAN walk in circles in the living room if we want to, or lie down on the porch, or in the playroom even, instead of making ourselves sick by checking out and wrecking the entire bloody kitchen in the process.

That is an extremely relevant point and have we discussed this before?

Inevitably. Unquestionably, of course we've discussed that hellish eating disorder before, or do you mean the motives? Or specifically the battles we're fighting with it now here in North Carolina?

I was thinking specifically the motives, and you saying it sounded like "wanting to die without dying" and that's really what this still is, the dissociating for hours thing.

True. But really I'm thinking we're leaving out the food part itself entirely too much and that's a massive clerical error right there. It's an eating disorder; we've got to factor in the fact that food is involved. Otherwise we'd already have options-- do we, actually? Right now, could this compulsion to binge and purge feasibly be rerouted TO anything else? Healthy or harmful, either way works right now, I just need answers.

Well, we already know it's swappable for alcoholism, and possibly drug abuse, seeing how this same compulsion gets thrown towards sleeping pills and antacids and Benadryl and dairy pills and everything else that's not immediately a toxicity risk, but even that is mouth-based. Consumption based. It all boils down to biting and chewing mainly, not even swallowing-- that infamously does Not factor into the mental imagining and decision-making process.

Really?

Really. Like when I look at plans, or memory, in the social-level head memory bank, I can see them thinking about the nut butter and oatmeal again--

Didn't they get the freaking memo? That stuff is like eating wallpaper glue. We know this. Why do they keep looking for it? The oil content alone makes us want to die, that's how we end up with kids slumped over the sink and sobbing hysterically for Jesus to help them at 3 in the morning. Our stomach can NOT handle oil and that memo keeps being blithely skipped over, what the heck, these social kids NEED to get on the ball with taking into consideration the physical consequences of those choices. Anyway, they're planning it again, huh?

Yeah. Specifically that one girl, the one with the long hair who feels partly like a manic Jewel but resonates Brown I think?

Warm brown, I assume?

Yeah. Maybe she's a deadname, but I don't think so. Not anymore. She's got the basic body overlay and she feels about, I don't know, 15? 16? Before spinningcannon.

Wait, she's chronological?

A LOT of socials are. I wouldn't be surprised if all of them prior to NC had their roots in time pockets like that. It makes sense, considering their job.

Yeah, it does. Still, it's morbidly fascinating to realize that compulsions and addictions and abuse patterns and all that can be tracked to a freaking time period just by feeling out the body-mirror resonance of the corpufoni that holds it. By the way are we still using that term? Or did we find-slash-invent new jargon for that level?

Uh, working on it. We need to do more research first though. But yeah, probably new jargon, but for now if you want to use "corpufoni" then that works in a pinch I suppose. "Body voice." I just don't like the implication of separateness from the Upstairs that that implies. They're a "nous" voice, too. Just working on a different level.

Hence why I asked if the term was still applicable, so thanks kid. I'll stick to "Social kids" if I've gotta refer to them collectively for now, no problem. But as I was saying. Or, looking back on the chatlog, as socials were saying. This girl's motivation for gorging on sticky oats. What's her prerogative?

Hold up, I'm checking data. They used to have oily oats instead, just dry oats with sugar and vegetable oil, but the thought of eating that is correctly sending oil-memory body chills through our form, and even she is shuddering at it, so that's a no-go. Someone else is feeling the obligation to still do it, though.

Boy or girl?

 

Dude, actually. Might be Jonathan, if that's the same nervous kitchen guy we've been keeping track of for so long.

What's his deal? What is his anchor even for heaven's sake? Why's he so afraid and compulsive with this nonsense?

I don't know, let me see if I can ask actually.

(…)

The sun's coming up. It's beautiful.
Why can't we eat normal meals?
We can. We just haven't decided to yet.
Why do we keep repeating things that don't work then?
Because we changed it once, and Jonathan is afraid to change back.

Jon's afraid of "changing back," huh? Then why's he perpetuating old garbage loops? You know oil in oats makes us sick, but you insist you "want" it, solely because you want to "do the thing you're used to doing." Kid your brain is an addled mess, and you're only lapsing into these harmful patterns because they're patterns. Your brain is so bloody tired and exhausted with anxiety over daily life that you're afraid to even put forwards any extra stress by trying something new, even if it would help. You just do what was done once, so you don't have to think about it. You're literally an anxiety shutdown nousfoni and you NEED to reroute that function to something healthful because it could ACTUALLY be helpful if you would just use it wisely for once, kid.

…

Speaking of. Kid. Core dude. White haired crystal-light heart fella who’s in this Xanga-ass session with me. You still around?

Always, just gotta call me.

Cool. So here I am calling you. Jonathan's motives. He's anxiety looping. Wait, no. He's mindlessly looping for the sake of avoiding a specific kind of anxiety, essentially the stress that comes from change, especially trying something new, or-- God forbid-- admitting that an old behavior pattern doesn’t work towards our health and having to figure out something new that does. Problem is, Jonathan's personal timeflow has no stops. No breaks. It's always moving like a treadmill on high and he can't even stop to catch his breath or it's going to knock him off his feet. That's why he's the one insisting on just emptily repeating old food patterns, even if they don't work or make sense-- because they're ritualized, they're literally just behaviors smashed together into a script, something "self-soothing" he can default to almost as a stim, except the problem is that it's only applying to food. It wouldn't work otherwise. Somehow, the end result of this garbage ending up in our collective mouth is important somehow. Why? Kid, you got any pointers or answers or wondering questions about it?

Of course, that's my job I think. Light. Piercing through obfuscation and bringing things to be illumined. Revealed. Understood. But yes, definitely thoughts on this. Gosh the body's tired though.

Oh yeah, that's what I was going to tell you way up there at the top of the page. You've got one hour before your Food Lion run, so congratulations for making it this far. Congrats to all of us for the record. Yeah we messed up, big time, but hey, look at this, we're having a Xanga session as a result. Cool beans. Thoughts?

Hm. Well, first things first, it's obvious that Jon's just trying to work with Iscah in developing a set meal plan here. Problem is, it's havoc right now. We should be sticking to FODMAP management as well as the dietary exchange card. We need to work within a structure, or someone else is going to compulsively throw inedible meal combos together because "this food is healthy, we Have to eat it " and ultimately just making us sick.

But the oats aren't healthy-- wait, no you're right, it's the combo nonsense. Again.

Exactly! "Oats are fiber," we need fat according to UPMC," and "we shouldn't be afraid of sugar" causes an absolute nonsense combo that is both inedible and abusive to our body because one, we cannot have oil without excruciating pain & nausea, and two, we cannot have sugar without excruciating pain & nausea.

And dizziness so freakin' bad we almost passed out from it today. Twice!

In once week! Yeah it's terrifying, and I don't know why they keep forcing sugar when they KNOW it's terrifying and we ALL think it's disgusting.

There, there's that voice. The interjection. That fearful "but we can't judge it!" that's going to MAKE us keep eating sugar "until we like it." And that's a toxic introjected thought process from the grandmother, ultimately, isn't it.

It sure it. Can't think of anyone else who said it to us but that single speaking source is important enough to be this solid. So. There's two big challenges here--

Hold up-- look at that sunrise.

Gosh. Wow. It's soulfire pink.

Sure is, kid.

…Thank you, Laurie.

For what?

Stopping us to see that. That's an important lesson. Thank you.

(...)

Another huge concern: our body has been VERY SICK lately from IBS. It's flared up spectacularly lately and we're not sure why. It's worrying us greatly.

Hold up. Gonna go sit on the porch for a minute then get back to this and finish those thoughts.

---

I'm miserable.


"We've" effectively ruined our life with this binge-eating bulimic spending hell.
Someone today burnt through one hundred dollars in ONE GO, and guess what they spent it on????
Hemp seeds, coconut oil, and avocados.

TO HELL WITH YOU. YOU SIGHTLESS HEARTLESS WITCH.
HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED YOUR DAMNED LESSON???????!??!?!



But no. That's the real important message God gave us today, after a whole day of frustrated weeping and screaming and rage and hopeless panic and confusion.

She will NEVER "learn her lesson," because she IS SIN.

That "alter," or demon, or whatever she is, exists TO SIN. It is literally impossible for her to learn better, or do better, or stop the horrbile things she is doing, because it DEFINES HER.
She can easily copycat words of apology and regret, but she doesn't understand them, let alone the motivation behind them.




My grandmother isn't the "good Christian woman" I always thought she was, either.
She's told me, repeatedly, to stop reading the BIBLE because she says I'm "reading too much into it," which is the same thing she tells me about the Gospel and homily in church. "You're trying too hard." "Just stop worrying and be a normal person."
That translates to: "don't upset me with the tough moral questions and tasks."
I love her, I do. I really do. So it's frightening when she cannot empathize with or even understand the moral hell I'm in right now.
But maybe she's still a mouthpiece for God? Her über-simple mindset sometimes cuts through my stupidity better than anything and gets to the heart of what I SHOULD be doing. Sometimes I think that, if I stopped doing all this religious research and health research and crap, and just obeyed her, I wouldn't have ANY TROUBLE.

I need to do that. I am so sick of "myself” at this point.

Why does that alter keep eating hemp seeds and coconut and avocados? Because:
1. we were told "hemp seeds/ coconut/ avocados are a superfood with so many vitamins!!!" therefore we must eat them because they're healthy.
2. hemp seeds and coconut and avocados are a source of fat, and we were told "the ketogenic diet is the ONLY good diet for humans!!!!!!!!" so we have to force ourself to eat mostly fat even if it makes us vomit and has done so for years.
3. our mother and doctors and priests keep telling us "you're so thin, you need to put some weight on!" and the only way to put weight on is to binge-eat fat and calories, which is what we're doing with those foods, even if we hate it and it makes us sick, because we want to make them happy.


Here's a thing. Every single stupid time we buy those fatty foods, the very thought of eating them makes us shake in abject fear. Shake!! But we keep forcing it.
Although, "we" is wrong. All other main fronters don't want any of it. It's that ONE FREAKING GIRL who DOESN'T EVER GET THE MEMO, EVER, AND WOULDN'T CARE IF SHE DID.
Bismuth was helping the other alters upstairs, walking them through the food data, and none of them wanted it. They ALL recognized that not only was it rejected by personal taste, it was rejected by the body, which KNEW what the past 30+ attempts had done to it, and that is nausea, vomiting, and illness. The BODY KNOWS that this stuff isn't for us.

But, "that makes us broken," according to the fear. "Those are HEALTHY, GOOD foods, and therefore, if we can't eat them, we're broken, because that means we're rejecting HEALTH/GOODNESS."
That's a huge part of the mindset that goes into this.
So the forcing continues, in rage and tears and frustration and self-loathing, choking down this food and vomiting and wanting to die and curled up on the bathroom floor begging Jesus for forgiveness and deliverance, burning through every dollar we own and not having any left to actually eat, all because SOME STUPIDA PART OF OUR BRAIN WANTS TO "BE LIKE THE HEALTHY PEOPLE."

It's so horribly sad.



You want me to tell you what we WANT to eat????

Lettuce, cucumbers, asparagus, carrots.
Avocado can be safe in small amounts, this is true, because it has a lighter colder vibe and it ISN'T HEAVY LIKE COCONUT, which is hell, but we still have to stop buying like three avocados at a time and eating them all at once because "we're not allowed to have leftovers" because "our daily bread" and "we want to live in poverty" and "we want small amounts of food" and "knowing there is prepared meal food sitting in the fridge drives "us" up the wall because it's not being used properly; it was made TO be eaten so I HAVE to eat it."
THEN STOP MAKING A WHOLE FREAKING POT OF FOOD EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU IDIOT!!!!

But that's how she worked in SLC. We're still stuck in that timeline, somewhere in our subconscious. We don't remember 95% of that trip but we're stuck there for some reason, at least as far as compulsions and fears go.

You notice we don't want to eat much. That's why we're losing weight.
We need to feel light and cool and airy, otherwise sobbing and panic and rage set in.

Broccoli is okay steamed, but cooked it's not. Cauliflower is fantastic raw or steamed, but being cruciferous, raw isn't smart. Plus there's the whole oxalate/ fructose issue which may or may not be a problem, we still can't tell.
Cabbage is great when fermented, or steamed, or pickled. Raw is too rough on our stomach.
Potatoes are a huge no; normal potatoes irritate our stomach horribly, and in past experience, sweet potatoes are far too bulky to keep down without panic attacks setting in.
Peas and beans are a huge no. Green beans, not sure. We're still nervous about those.
Parsnips and turnips are a huge no; too much bulk and starch.
Beets are in the middle. Raw they're okay, cooked they're too sweet, and too dangerous as they promote forced binge-eating abuse (most cooked foods do).
Zucchini and summer squash are great, we're eating a lot of those now from the farmer's market.
Kale is in the middle too. It's very healthy BUT there's so much roughage to it, our stomach struggles with it.
Herbs are all fine-- cilantro, parsley, dill, etc. We just have to be careful not to eat too much of them.

Fruit is all dangerous. We keep trying. The sugar kills us.
Apples and pears and figs give us mouth welts. Bananas give us a histamine reaction. Grapes make us throw up. Oranges burn and make us vomit. Plums give us awful stomach upset. Peaches and nectarines seem okay but the sugar puts us into manic mode and then we end up throwing up. Mangoes are hell; let's not even revisit that.
Melons make us sick and throw up, we learned that in the hospital.

Meat is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. Every time we try it, including bones and offal, it not only makes us feel hellishly dirty inside, and makes our mouth taste like hell, it makes us vomit uncontrollably until it's all out.
Bone broth is okay, we think. Chicken broth makes us throw up, but that's because of all the fat. But when we were making broth from beef and lamb bones, spiked with ACV, it was fine? Except that ran the risk of compulsively drinking all of it at once, due to our always being thirsty, which made us throw up simply because that's too much for ANYONE to ingest.

Grains are ALSO HELL. They cause our IBS to flare up instantly, as well as triggering uncontrollable vomiting akin to the flu. That has been going on for at least four years and it has not changed, no matter how much we "force it," and we need to avoid them totally as it's just wasting our money and health when we "try again." Thank God we know better now and can avoid them.

Sugar, in all its forms, makes us wish we were dead. This INCLUDES "safe sweeteners" like stevia and agave and yacon and coconut sugar and rice syrup and all that junk. ANYTHING sweet throws our body into a harried frenzy and believe me, when I say it makes us want to die, I am not exaggerating. It has happened too many times.

Protein powders are too bulky to keep down for more than ten seconds, and we have been trying this for years too. Protein in general is too dense for us, in large amounts, and if our mother wasn't demanding we eat as much of it as possible, we'd just quit trying and be happy with whatever protein we got from vegetables.
Nutritional shakes are usually pure sugar and they are inedible as a result. Plus many of them rely on milk (which we are intolerant to) or seeds (which we react to?), and still cram like 20+ grams of protein in, plus fiber, making them super hard to stomach.

So, as you can see, that leaves us with vegetables.
This is why we need that feeding tube.
I am so bloody sick of weeping and throwing up every single night and never having any money on top of it all.

But those mindsets are killing us, too.
"I want to learn to love poverty."
"I want to eat as little as possible."
"I want to be clean and pure and light."
"I want to be healthy (but then defining "healthy" as what the faceless internet people say)."
and then the hidden, lethal one--
"I don't deserve good things. Other people do."
If we could add "so I will give my money to THEM instead of spending it on TRASH for myself," that would fix a lot of it. But no, she has to spend our monthly $400 in less than a week buying GARBAGE that we CAN'T EAT because she CAN'T ACCEPT that we can't eat them. That makes us "broken" and "bad," after all!!

It's all a lie.




I am so bloody tired of this hell, kid. We need to stop this somehow.

She won't learn. She'll never learn, not like this.

Julie learned.

…Julie was different, I think.

Julie learned when she had her abuse methods thrown right back in her face, and she understood what she was doing to you, and how bad it was. And then she gave you a chance, when you said you'd help her change, because she realized that otherwise she'd be miserable and probably die.

This girl doesn't care. She KNOWS we're dying from this. She KNOWS how miserable we are. She doesn't care.

Why the heck not? Is it because she switches out before she feels the consequences?

She doesn't switch out, that's the problem. Part of her enjoys throwing up.

What the heck-- why? Because it's "cathartic?"

Because it's cathartic.

Why doesn't she realize what this is doing to our body, and our wallet?

Those are both concepts she can't comprehend. I've tried to reason with her and explain it to her. The concept of money, and the concept of the body dying from this, make no sense to her. She's so utterly caught up in the "live for the moment" compulsiveness, not even as hedomism but as obligation, that she can't seem to understsand that there IS more to life.

…Shoot. Looks like that's our main obstacle, then. Teach her that there is more to life.

How?

Heck if I know, kid. Start slow. Walk her out of the bloody kitchen and into other things.

But what could replace food in her life? That's a very specific sort of "need." It's consuming, but then for her it's also purging.

Is that still a coping mechanism? For trauma, no matter how buried? 'Cause it sounds like it.

Could be. I really don't know anymore.

And I don't just mean Julie trauma, kid. Heck, maybe "trauma" doesn't even fit. Stress. Overwhelming stress and anxiety to the point where she can't cope.

I keep telling her, just trust in God. Like I do. I don't want to eat.

Yeah, but she does. Is she the one who's terrified because "God keeps telling us to fast" and she, like you said, can't comprehend life without food or eating?

Yeah.

So teach her that there is life beyond that.

To her there isn't, because without those things the body can't live--

There's proof that it can, you know. Show her. Open her mind to that.

But then I'm afraid we'll hit the opposite extreme again, of refusing to eat anything and going to bed with shakes and heart palpitations and the inability to breathe because we're literally starving our body to death--

Kid, I don't know what else to tell you, it's one or the other.

One or the other what?

Either give her another option, or ban her from bloody fronting, ever.

I want to do the latter. But I think maybe you're right, and she needs to be taught and healed, that's why the mind keeps letting her out.

I keep thinking of Julie, kid. I don't think any of us are impossibly lost.

Where's your rage, though?

…

Where's your damn rage, Laurie??

Watch your bloody mouth.

No. No, you used to be pissed when alters would be this blatantly, unendingly abusive to the body and soul and mind. Now you just shrug, "gotta let them learn," and in the meantime they're destroying us and I MISS the days when we would hunt these demons down and murder them, at least we were trying to stop them.

You don't bloody think this is my trying to stop them?? I've just learned mercy, kid, who's not Jay, or who is what "Jay" has become-- I've learned that mercy is a better weapon than hate, because it opens doors for people to change for the better. You-- the REAL you-- taught me that, you know. It's in every single episode of Steven Universe. Why the heck do you think Bismuth and Jasper ended up in the Outspacer slots, at least potentially? Because that was their lesson, and it's one that the real you wanted desperately for them to learn. Everyone deserves a chance to do and be better, not to be bloody shattered because their current state in life is hell already. You want to murder these alters? Good luck. You don't think I tried that in the past? That was my function once, remember. My job was to kill these hellraisers whenever they caused trouble. Guess what? It didn't work. They always seemed to bloody come back, and then I realized, among other things-- that wait, there's gotta be a reason why the System won't let them die. Maybe it's the Tar, I don't bloody know. Or the Plague. But the Spectrum itself lets them exist, and I remember when the Tar first spoke to you, kid, before Infi, before the BLC even. "You're not so bad yourself." Remember that? How it told you to your face that IT WASN'T YOU, and that it existed to be that foil? When the blood did you forget that?

I didn't.

Well, some part of you or the core bloodline did. Point is, the Tar exists to serve the greater Good even if that drives the Tar up the wall and maybe drives us the same way. These abusive alters have lessons to teach us, too. This alter who thinks food is the sole reason for living, and can't understand money, and can't understand how she's destroying our life in the process, kid she's just like Razor. She's virtually innocent in her ignorant stupidity, because she doesn't know better,she CAN'T know better right now; her mind and heart need to be opened somehow. Don't you have hope for that? That she can change, and in the process, help us to help others, OUTSIDE, who are struggling with her old struggles-- and God willing she'll be able to leave them in the dust soon and move forwards?

The "real me" has hope.

Then who the blood am I talking to. Who keeps bloody shoving the TRUE cores out of the way and filling our fronter mind with rage and despair and self-loathing? Is THAT the Tar? You work of the devil, is that you???

…

It is you, confound it-- you wanna see violence, give me a second to get out my axe.

You can't kill me.

Sure, but I'm still gonna try. It's cathartic for me, too.



Laurie.

Jay? That you, kid?

I need a new name. I need a new name so badly, I'm so scared of that one now.

Kid, we'll get you one, don't panic. It's okay. …Tar ran away, huh?

It can't talk long. Can't hold that sort of self-awareness without morphing into Plague.

Really?

Yeah. Split as they are now, the Tar is too primal and manic. The Plague is the proud one who will rip your throat out. The Tar just wants to eat things. Fittingly enough. It is what was in Razor, and it's in this girl now, with the eating. I feel so sorry for her. And I'm scared for us, too. It's infecting us.

Not if I have any say in it it's not. Hey, didn't you say there was a feredroni manifesting in the System somewhere? Maybe she can help.

Maybe? I mean it's a solid anchor; it's one of those things about outspacers, you can't force them, and you can't stop them either. Once one puts roots in-- which is almost by default a subconscious, uninfluencable process-- it sticks, whether you like it or not.

So she's sticking, huh?

Seems so. And yeah, I'm surprised she's registering as straight-up female, too, at least as far as gender ratio vibes are concerned. But that's how it is. If that’s corrupted influence we'll fix it, or heal it. Could be why it's happening in the first place. Like you said.

Yeah. …Kid, how are you feeling.

Not so hot. I want to cry, thinking of everything that happened today, of all the vomiting, of all the money spent, God help us we still have to pay back our mother-- of making the grandparents upset, of losing another weekend to this addiction sh*t--

Kid, don't swear, it's a doorway to evil things for you.

I'm so sorry, Laurie, I'm just in terrible heart-pain. I want to weep.

Would that help?

Maybe not. Only certain alters can weep, this sort that's half rage and fear and despair, and those are the ones that tend to get violent and desperate and want to kill or break things.

Ah. We need to talk about that with the therapist, too. Next time we see her.

Whenever that is.

Yeah, scheduling is weird with her. Anyway, kid, don't lose hope. Ever. Please.

I won't. You know that, Laurie. This haze, this film of upsetness, isn't me.

Then throw it right off, don't even think about it, and tune into you.

…That requires a lot of courage and compassion, you know.

I know, kid, that's why it's important to do.

There are parts of us that don't want to feel those things, and that's scary.

Those parts are corrupt and don't belong in here, kid. For real, they might be teaching us a lesson as-is but they are not and will never belong here. They're temporary teachers and when they're gone they're gone, and thank God.

Trust in God, too. That's what I naturally do, and that veil of darkness keeps trying to blind me to it…

Don't let it, kid. Really, do you want us to stop typing so you can try and ditch these awful emotions before bed?

I should. This feels awful and it's just making us sick. I know it's all demonic lies and traps, we should be focusing on mercy and compassion and forgiveness and hope and faith, even if we screwed up big time today, tomorrow we CAN and WILL do better, we won't force ourselves to comply with fear compulsions, we won't hurt ourselves on purpose or otherwise, we'll be wise-- and we'll do all of it with God.

Why do you think these bloody bad voices keep trying to keep you away from Dream World? That's all Virtue, too.

That's scary, Laurie, how viciously hellbent those voices are on locking us in hell that way.

Don't let them, kid. They have no power if you don't unlock the door.

Open the window instead?

Let the sunshine and fresh air in, yeah. Let God in. Forgive yourself, forgive us, for our mistakes and failings and confusion. She's trying her best too, kid, even if she's totally bleeding lost at the moment. She doesn't know better.

I know. I feel deep pity and compassion for her, and I want to help her. I forgive her, Laurie, I just don't want her doing this stuff to us and herself again. I just… she gets so scared when she's lost.

You've gotta be strict and patient, kid. Like me.

Yeah. …I'm sorry for doubting you, Laurie.

Kid, don't. That wasn't you, not truly. And hey, it's good to call me out on perceived thought-garbage whenever it comes up, too. I don't wanna screw up my function and drag anyone down with me.

You won't. We've gotta have faith in that, too.

And live by it.

Yes. And with that I'm going to close up and focus on good things so we can sleep without wanting to tear our hair out in despair.

Trust in God, kid, remember what Monsignor said. We can't do a bloody thing, but He can, so stop putting up walls and open your heart to His love.

I just need to sit in that. Absorb it, and let all the walls just dissolve.

Hey, remember when I was the one with walls?

You helping me toss these, then? What goes around comes around?

Absolutely, kid. Life's a heck of a lot better and more beautiful like this.

I know. It's how I naturally am.

Then stop letting other things lie to you about that. You know who you are, be it without shame.

Easier said than done?

Only if you believe that lie.

Ah.

Be you, kid. Find a new name that reflects your new life. Find what defines your new life as something greater and brighter than the past three years. Okay?

Okay.

We'll get there, kid. Don't lose hope. Now I'm closing this up for once or it's never gonna happen. Capisce?

Haha, yeah.

There you are, kid. I missed you.

…I missed me too.

…I love you, kid. I only want the best for you, and everyone in this System.

I know. I do, too. for what it's worth.

Good. Then let's both protect those people we love, together.

All right. …Yeah. I've got devotion to that.

Hold onto it, then. Let it burn away all the dross. …And would you look at that, 11/11.

No coincidences at all, huh?

Not even in the least.

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JAY IRIDOS LYNNE STABELLE KNIFE


this is an extremely heavy topic.
please use discretion when reading.




Kid, if you think we need a Xanga, let's talk.

I don't know. I want to but the body is so tired, so fatigued, it's too sad and exhausted to do anything. But it's dissociating. It's ALREADY slipping back into a non-caring, self-abusive mindset.

That's bullshit.

Yeah. But I'M pissed now, too, and pardon my language, but I am. I mean… we just got HACKED, FORCIBLY, by God knows who, and now in their wake we're bleeding and sobbing and scared and some… some idiotic social fronter decides "hey you know what's a good idea? Blanking out and bingeing!" BULL SHIT.

Jay, calm the heck down, you're slipping.

I'm sorry. I'm getting too vivid.

Yeah, no kidding, you're like a firestorm going off over there. Too much light, kid, you're binding yourself.

…I'm so tired.

So am I, Jay. We all are.

May I speak with you?

Sure, Knife, jump right in.

Thank you. Jay.

Yes?

Are you aware of who is responsible for these repeated hacks?

Are you?

…No.

Neither am I. All I know is that they feel like Jacinth.

Again?? I thought Cel killed her!!

Headvoices, even horribly abusive ones, don't seem to die until their purpose is fulfilled or no longer needed. And for some God-awful reason, these numb "take it for the greater good" fronters keep coming back and existing and I don't want them to. But… that's the stupid mindset keeping them here, pardon my ableist language but I don't know what other word to use.

Asinine.

That works. The mindset keeping them around is completely useless and abusive and…

And?

And it's horrible. I'm just too shaken up to roll off a list of negatives. I'm sorry, Knife, I got carried away with words there.

It's all right, Jay. …I understand you're scared too.

I am. But I'm mostly heartbroken and furious and tired. It's an awful feeling.

I know.

…Kid.

Yeah, Laurie?

What do we do, right now, about this? We've gotta take some sort of step here to stop this.

I'm threatening them. Atonement doesn't faze them, even though that's not the point of atonement, Knife, I know. Atonement is about…

Evening the balance. Purging the wrong that was committed. Bleeding out the taint.

Yeah. All that. But… we cry from it. WE hurt. It's exhausting and depressing. The hackers, they just don't care. It's not fair, as we've all said before.

So what do we do? You said you were threatening them? How?

No internet, is the first thing. Those damn hackers love the Internet. Well no more. You mess around with the body, then guess what? You're locked out of our computer for 24 hours now. It's a start.

Kid, is there any way to block them from using our computer in the first place?

Not that I know of? I've tried, God knows I've tried, I delete all their stuff when I find it and I try to block websites, but… they find ways around it.

Yeah, I was afraid of that.

So what do we do?

He just told you, dude.

No, I mean… if they find ways around internet blocks, are you afraid they'll find ways around the internet ban?

…Probably. I mean if they're hellbent on hurting us they will. But I'm taking EVERY precaution in the book, Laurie you know that, and the results HAVE been amazing but…

About that. Yeah I know we're still slipping up. But it's different now, kid, it's so bloody different that's why we're all lost. Can we talk about that?

How it's different now?

Yeah. And, as I was going to say in the first place, how it's real freaking hard for us to get hacked at ALL now. Like anyone. Even if it doesn't feel like it.

…Yeah. We can talk about that. Have we before?

Probably, in some terms. But kid, we've gotta talk about this with the therapist. And you haven't really spoken to me about it personally, not like this. Not like you. …You're usually cut off from all this torment for your own personal safety. But… God, kid, you're hurting bad from this. You're splintering so freaking bad. 2011 hit you hard and you just… never seemed to recover. I am so sorry.

For what, talking me out of suicide?

No. For not realizing that it only looks good on paper. For talking you out of something that wasn't actually the problem. For not realizing how bloody traumatic the actual event and its repercussions was to you. I thought… God I couldn't understand what you had actually experienced, I only saw what I could see, and yeah it helped clear things up, you always had the right motivations, but… that's the final nail in the coffin here, isn't it? Gold intentions are still paving a path to hell.

…Yeah.

So I'm sorry. And I want to make it up to you, and CZ, somehow. This is a start. …Teach me how to be your protector again. Just as brutal as I once was, if that will help you. Anything you want, kid.

…God, Laurie, I just…

…?

…I love you and I don't know what to say. I just want to sob. I'm sorry too.

Kid-- Jay, it's okay. --I mean I understand why you're sorry and I'm glad you're apologizing and I accept your apology, but… don't hate yourself for it. That's the problem I'm having trouble grappling with here, is that I can't hate you, because I see you're not doing this out of hate--

I'm NOT doing this!!!

…I'm sorry. You did it once. At least.

…did I?

As far as I'm aware, kid, even if you splintered to kingdom come afterwards. You tried. You tried with the goldest intentions in the book. Solid gold, your heart and actions both.

If I did what you're saying I did my actions weren't gold they were pitch.

…I don't… kid, you didn't want them to be, the only reason that hell happened is because you were trying to turn lead and tar INTO gold, not the other way around.

…We've talked about this so many times. I accept it. I know it. Why is this is still happening?

You know and accept what?

I know that these "attempts" are NOT what we want, it's the "looks good on paper" thing, I get that now. I accept that I had good intentions and still screwed up. But…

But?

…But I'm scared. Because some part of my-slash-our psyche, way deep down, is still absolutely freaking paranoid that the only way to God is through sexuality, and I'm terrified to say it's not, because I can't see another option. Not in the way they're telling me it has to be.

"They?"

So many religious people. Christianity. Mormons. Pagans, too. Gnostics. New Age people. Everywhere you go, people are touting sex as the "most beautiful experience known to man" or some garbage and I just want to scream because God, if THAT'S the most beautiful thing to you are you even living LIFE??? I just… I'm so scared. "Am I doing this wrong," et cetera. I don't want this, Laurie, and it tastes like blood and acid in my mouth admitting that it's happened, it's happening, it makes me want to choke to death on the guilt because I'm close enough already, maybe then this will stop… but then there's that childhood panicked terror again. "If I die, will they make me come back as a prostitute? Or as someone who LIKES sex? Then what will I do??" I'm terrified, Laurie, I know it sounds stupid but after all this trauma I don't ever want that. I'm so freaking terrified that when all is said and done and we're six feet under, all our work will be for NOTHING and everything I've ever loved will come to naught, because I'll end up reincarnating as a guaranteed-real whore this time, and I won't even care. I'm terrified.

Kid, I really think you need to talk to a priest or somebody about this, get a religious perspective firsthand on your fears about the issue. You're just taking stuff in and not voicing your own position.

How long has this been going on?

A long time, Knife. Since I was born, at least, God only knows how much earlier.

……Shit.

…Holy smoke did you just swear?

*nods*

…Geez you must be just as upset as we are about this. No, sorry, that was a stupid thing to say, of course you are--

No, Laurie, I understand. I don't say much, I don't understand much of this, I don't have the experience that you do. But I care. I care more than I know how to express, about all of you. I want to help. But… what can I do? All I know is blood, and…

Healing. You're a healer, Knife. Remember what you did for Waldorf this morning.

--But what good is that against this, Laurie?! I can't kiss away the pain that's tearing him apart from the inside! I can't… I can't heal something that old.

Have you tried?

…How would I try, Laurie?

Geez, I dunno, I'm just… grasping at straws here. I'm just as desperate as you are. But… *sigh* Asterisks. Kid, compassion goes a long way. That's why I said I can't hate you. That's why I don't want you hating yourself. Knife, same to you, don't hate things, it'll kill you, make you rot from the inside out. Don't hate things.

It is difficult not to hate this, Laurie.

I know, but anger and rage don't necessarily bunk with hate, y'know. I'm bloody furious at these hackers but-- and that is a huge disclaimer there-- I don't hate them. Not since Julie. Not since her. I can't hate anything now, not really. I just… sometimes I'm afraid it's made me weak.

It hasn't.

Heh. Good to know, thanks kid. But yeah, see what I mean? Little things go a long way. We're doing a hell of a lot better now than we used to, even with this hell going on as it is, because we're compassionate now. We're still determined as hell but at least we're not batting for the other team when we don't realize it.

They run on hate?

You bet your ass they run on hate, hate and apathy and ignorance and pride and all those ugly vices.

Laurie.

What?

Sorry to interrupt. But "the shadows are deepest when the light shines brightest." Remember?

Hey, yeah, you're right. And we--

Yeah, lately we're brighter than ever. Literally. So the shadows are trying to choke us. Strangle us.

They're not succeeding, are they?

Nope. They never will. I refuse to let them. I'm hardcore serious about that.

Heh, good.

So, Laurie…

Yeah?

You said a little bit of compassion goes a long way? Towards whom?

…Well, when I said that thing with "have you tried," I really meant towards Jay. How you were wondering how you could help heal him. But really, Knife, there are a ton of other nousfoni in this System/ Spectrum/ whatever who are damaged, and a lot of them are kids, and I KNOW you vowed to help protect them--

I did!! I did. …I'm just scared, Laurie.

Of what?

That I won't be able to help them.

Have you tried?

…Not as well as I should have.

Then keep trying, man. I have faith in you, okay? You're the sweetest man I've ever met, barring Jay, possibly Leon, hell everyone up here is sweet as candy, who am I kidding. But you take the cake, man. I've got faith in you and your color and your abilities. If anyone's got the means to heal these kids, it's you. You and your compassion, and your undying desire to help them even if you don't understand. You listen, don't you?

I always listen.

Then there you go. Be open, be kind, be compassionate, be forgiving… don't be hateful. Be pissed off, be protective, be vengeful maybe… nah, don't be vengeful. Kill 'em with kindness. I don't think the Tar or Plague can even get through that stuff, can they Jay?

No, they really can't, that's a good point. It's why Jewel is so good at fighting off hackers when she's out. She's lucidly unmovable in her morals, they can't budge her, she knows what she wants and it's not what they want and she won't let them touch her or anyone else. But she's not hateful. She's too nice. She gets angry, but… you know I am worried about her. She's been getting bitter lately.

Don't let her. Bitterness is toxic, kid, you know it.

I do know. But I don't blame her. We just… she's trying too hard to combat this with kindness. She's sowing seeds of brightness where these hackers are sowing salt, trying to kill everything. She's really really trying, but she's as tired and exhausted as we are, just as sad and angry and hurting. But she won't give up. We won't give up either.

That's good, to hear she's doing her best. I sincerely appreciate her help in this, I mean it's not her job, but--

It is her job when it touches the Leagueworlds.

…I forgot that's the hackers' new old focus lately.

Yeah. I'm furious. I'm actually livid at how unjust and cruel and utterly uncaring this is.

No kidding, It'd take one heck of a stone-cold heart not to be.

So. Laurie.

What's up, kid?

Uh… what's our topic?

Hacking methods. Why it's not working and yet still "working" for lack of a better term. What do we do about it.

Motives.

Yeah, religious ones.

"For lack of a better term?"

You know what, smartass, you describe them, I said you were better at words than I am.

Haha. Um… the unintentionally harmful religious mindsets we internalized that are strongly feeding into these abusive patterns?

See, there you go.

He is good at them.

Told you, he's right up on a limb with Sherlock with those things.

Nah, Sherlock doesn't even have to think about them, really. He naturally talks like that. It's really refreshing actually.

Mister structure.

It is! But yeah that's probably why.

Heh. So where do we start, order man?

Uh… hm. That's complicated, this is such a twisted topic… what's our main concern as of today?

Why the hackers keep targeting Leagueworld people, and why people like Jacinth are letting it happen instead of fighting back.

Well, with Jacinth-- hello, Lynne.

Ah-- I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?

Just a Xanga session, wanna jump in?

Uh, sure, if you have room for me. What's the topic?

Hacks, unfortunately.

Hm. Needs to be discussed, I suppose.

Yeah, no kidding. You don't have to stick around if you don't want to.

No, I should be more informed on this issue. …After what I've endured.

Oh. Oh God I forgot. I'm sorry.

…It's all right, Jay. I know you don't want to remember that either.

Lynne, are you still recovering from that?

Of course I'm still recovering, Laurie, I haven't even coped with the incident yet!

Should we start there? I mean, no, that's pushy. I want to help you heal but maybe that's too raw yet.

…It is. You said we were discussing hacks? The general System ones?

Yeah, the ones Jacinth is responsible for, mainly. At least at first.

Isn't she the one who was with Celebi? I thought she was dead?

So did we. Apparently not.

Shit.

Whoa, careful Lynne, I don't want you slipping--

I know… I know. Sorry, Laur. It just hurts.

…I understand.

…Lynne?

Yes Knife? Hello, I didn't see you there, by the way.

That is all right, I kind of blend in with the dark, and you were preoccupied. So…

…Yes?

…I am a healer. I don't know how to use it well yet. …If you need my assistance, in any way, I am here for you.

Aw. That's sweet, Knife, thank you. I really appreciate that. Tell you what… when I'm ready to heal this, full straight, I will come to you for help. Does that work?

Yes, I… thank you.

You're welcome. I'm glad to help you help me.

Heh. Good to see some smiles in here, too.

It is. I haven't been smiling as much as I used to.

…Bacon pancakes?

Pff! Laurie, stop!

Heheheh! Got you to laugh though!

Haha, you did. Thanks.

Dare I say it. You two are adorable.

Thanks, kid!

Ahaha, what is that pose.

Bewilderment. Appreciative bewilderment is what it is.

Sorry.

For what, kid?

Getting off topic?

Nah, we needed some lightheartedness for a minute there. Now back to digging through the muck. We were at Jacinth?

How exactly does she hack? She doesn't exactly work for Jezebel or the Plague, does she?

Maybe subconsciously. But she's dangerous because she's one of the surrendering ones. "Do whatever you want through me," basically.

She's dangerous because she's self-sacrificial and it's motivated by a false mindset of "this is the way I have to show love" and… God I don't know, it's confusing. She's convinced that, if she loves someone, she HAS to "offer herself up sexually" to them because "that's the holy thing to do" or some nonsense…

Now where did that come from? 2011?

I think. Mainly, at least. It's old. I… I know it's okay to be asexual but I don't really believe it yet because there is SO much religious doubt surrounding it.

All right, topic break. Why?

Because I'm still afraid that being asexual-- AND celibate, which I still identify as no matter how many hacks we've survived-- is wrong somehow. That it makes me "spiritually broken" because "sex is a link to God's creative power" and "sexual union between two people taps into God" or some nonsense, I don’t even know, I'm scared.

So you think there's no other way to do that?

No! I KNOW there's other ways to do that! …But nothing so tangible. Nothing so easily accepted by the world at large, by science and religion. Laurie you know as well as I do that if we were sexual, we'd be gay as hell.

Lord, I know.

Heh. But… that's the thing. Even then, I can't fake it. I can't force it. I CAN'T. There is at least one human girl that I adore with my entire heart, completely unconditionally and distantly, and I would NEVER sleep with her because that's not important to me… except then the doubts come in. "What if, by some absolutely incredible stroke of circumstance, you married her? Then what?" Then… then the doubts come in. Would I have to?

No.

Marriage says you do, Laurie, that's what I'm terrified of.

Is this why you're scared of being with Chaos?

…

I'm sorry.

No, I… it's a good question. Yes. I mean we're not even married, not literally, but… but I adore him that much. I adore YOU that much, Laurie, we've effectively taken those vows of total devotion every second of our lives. But we're NOT married.

Kid, your point is?

My point is that I keep seeing "marriage" described as this profoundly holy sacrament, something that SOME religions claim is mandatory for "reaching heaven" or what have you, and I am practically BEGGING God for that to be symbolic because I can't, I CAN'T sleep with a man just to reach heaven. Except I'm terrified I HAVE to. Because "that's God's will."

Kid, that's bullshit.

Is it?

Yes, yes it is.

Are you SURE.

Yes.

How are you sure and I'm not.

Because… you're a good kid. This is making you miserable. And, like I've said, awful as it sounds and feels to you, you've TRIED. For the absolute best reasons you can think of. And frankly, kid, I think THAT'S what Jacinth is tied to, too.

She is.

Well there you go.

Slightly different way but it's the same roots.

Explain that.

I… I was always terrified that my love "wasn't legitimate" unless it was sexual. Which is bullshit, as you say, sorry for the language. I've since learned that firsthand. There are MANY kinds of love that are just as potent and sincere and real and they are NOT sexual, not should they EVER be. Like… love for Xenophon, my daughter, biological or not.

Halfway, I think, whether we like it or not.

…I need to talk about that separately.

Coping with that?

Yeah. After we talk about the nitty gritty of all this. But yeah, love from a parent to a child should NOT be sexual, EXCEPT would you BELIEVE I have found at least one source saying it SHOULD be???

You have got to be freaking kidding me.

No. I'm not. I wanted to vomit for HOURS after I read it.

Jay, what the heck are you reading that says all this junk??

I don't even want to think about how I found it, I don't remember and don’t want to look. But it was disgusting. It was a book, saying how… God I don't want to say it.

Would it impact how we are dealing with this issue, Jay?

Yeah.

Then perhaps you should say it, to help all of us.

…Yeah. Especially you, this is messing around with Pink something fierce.

Is it??

Laurie, this is some hellish book saying that effectively "it's not abuse to fondle children" and some hideous nonsense like that, saying a lot of aspects of mothering SHOULD be sexual and God it's disgusting. I am so sorry. I hope that's not the "universal truth" because it shook me up HORRIBLY and I do not want to think about it. At all.

No kidding, geez. I can see why. No wonder you're confused.

Jay, it sounds to me like you're psychically stockpiling all the conflicting perspectives that you read.

I am! Because I'm terrified, Lynne, that they're right. I'm caught in a neverending loop of doubt that is just fed by the fact that none of this has PROOF. Neither mine nor theirs. And until I GET "proof"--

Aren't we proof enough?

…Yes. To my heart, yes.

Then isn't that enough?

…God, Laurie, yes it is, but…

But you can't shake the religious fear.

I don't know why. Let's go back to Jacinth, get that topic done.

Sure.

Is that skipping something?

No. It plays into this if anything. Jacinth… her vibe data sticks. It's resignedly empty? Like a vague fog of sadness, and an inability to acknowledge her own existence. That's the thing about her that upsets me. She CANNOT love herself, because she CANNOT see herself as a person. At all. So when she gets caught up in hacks, she does so by "offering herself" as an OBJECT, as something to be used or consumed sexually, by someone that she deems "good enough" in a very positive sense. Like… it's always Celebi, for her. Always Cel. I don't know why, but it is. And Jacinth thinks, "she is deserving of love, her existence is good, I want to give myself up FOR her, so I will offer myself up to her in this way… because it will DESTROY ME and in the process somehow REDEEM my existence in the sacrifice for her greater good?" I know that's jumbled but that is exactly how I can interpret the data. That’s it.

…So this sexual nonsense is viewed as literally salvational, somehow. Is that a word?

Works well enough.

Good. Let me re-read that. …That bit, right there, bothers me. The destruction bit.

You notice that's an unfailing aspect to hacks.

What, the destruction?

The self-annihilation principle. ALL sacrificial "hackers"-- the ones we're calling "lost" instead because they aren't actively trying to abuse someone-- all of them just throw themselves into this because they believe they have no other reason to exist. They literally believe that their existence can ONLY be redeemed by psychically killing themselves in the process of "doing what I have to do." Does that make sense? Jacinth's existence as an alter is very minimal because she exists ONLY to have sex, in a depersonalized, numb state, with the hope that "doing this will be good for her and it will fix/kill me and then I won't go to hell." I don't know.

Kid, that's an abuse mindset if I've ever heard one. "I'm only good for sex." You're tormented by that too, aren't you, religiously?

…

Is he?

I. I don't know. Ask me some more?

…You want me to grill you on this.

Please. Please do.

Heh, sure. …God, how do I start this. What's a punch of a question.

Is Infinitii involved in this?

Ouch.

Yeah. Yeah, a lot.

Is that Infinitii's purpose?

What?

Sexuality. I know it used to be.

No, it was healing sexual trauma, through… oh. Oh God you're right.

What?

Daemons. They're always vices and virtues, both sides of a coin. Infi was… Infi showed up in a VERY religious atmosphere that was tied to… "yes you were sexually abused, but that filled you with hatred and loathing and violence. You need to heal that, let go of those toxic mindsets." And… and the only way ze knew to heal that was… was to remove the hatred from the source. Somehow learn to empathize. Somehow learn not to judge and hate others. Somehow be able to experience what people said I SHOULD experience if it really was "such a holy thing." God. It makes me sick and scared because in a way it worked but it didn't.

What worked, kid?

…I… I should clarify. It didn't "work" in the way we all thought it should. It's like we said, it only looked good on paper. But… how do I say this.

Spit it out, kid.

I "had sex" with Infi on April 3rd 2013 and I didn't hate her and I didn't hate myself and I actually thought I had "finally fixed myself" to do "what God wanted me to do" until it was all said and done and I looked back and realized I didn't feel a damn thing. I was still depersonalizing and dissociating and not realizing what was happening at all. And then I tried again and realized that even with Infi I COULDN'T have "physical sex" because it was STILL traumatic and I STILL DIDN'T WANT IT and I was terrified I was "rejecting God's plan for me" in being a human and I tried again. It was all religious. I was so freaking desperate to "fix myself." And Infi didn't feel any pain, I don't even think Infi COULD understand it from a human perspective, being what ze is…

But ze got hacked too.

God, ze did, and I will NEVER forget the absolute torrent of agony that impaled my heart that one night we heard hir wailing in the church. When ze realized ze had slipped in hir intentions and hurt someone. It was absolutely unbearable, I want to cry just thinking about it. It's unbearable.

Kid, keep going. You and Infi stopped that, a while back. Did you mutually realize it wasn't working?

Yes. I FINALLY admitted "this ISN'T what I want" and we looked at it and Infi realized "that context isn't what I want either" and it got really awfully shaky, kind of looking back and realizing that yeah, we HAD tried our best to heal our perspective on this, but… it didn't really work? The guilt was worse, the unease and fear was worse… really all we did was manage to really vividly highlight all the reasons why sex was STILL WRONG for us. So we stopped, understanding that. I'm sorry.

I know you are, Jay. We all know.

I can't forgive myself.

Why?

For not realizing this sooner. For being blinded by doubt. For not ever fully realizing, for YEARS, that I didn't want sex at all, not physically-- I wanted closeness, tangible physical closeness with a living thing, WITHOUT romance. I wanted blood, God I wanted bleeding I just wanted to leak my life into something, I wanted to melt into some greater thing so I didn't feel so claustrophobic in this damn ostracized body anymore, I wanted my heart to meld with another heart and I… I didn't need sex for any of that. God I've been so confused, for so many years. I'm so sorry. And yet the hacks keep happening.

Why.

Religious reasons? Confusion? They're targeting kids, Laurie, kids and innocent ones--

Children??

Yeah Knife, children. 11 years old is a child enough.

Who is responsible for this.

Whoa Knife, don't kill 'em in cold blood--

Laurie, why should I not?? They would do so to the children!!

…Jay?

What?

Verdict.

Uh. I've been thinking about the polarity of God lately. How we wore down our edges and it killed us instead. I say if you want to go bludgeon or slice a hacker out of existence go ahead. Please do. But don't do it in cold blood. Don't do it with ice in your veins and oilslicks in your eyes. Don't. Like Laurie said, you're only motivated to do this through compassion for someone else. For the kids. For me. For all of us in here. You want to protect people and keep them from ever coming to harm again. So sometimes, if the ones doing the harm won't respond to logic and love and persuasion, like Julie did, bless her heart… sometimes the bad ones just don't care. Sometimes they revel in their evil, they refuse to change, they will only hurt you forever. And it's scary for me, to admit that. It hurts my heart terribly to see some dark people up here and realize that, as things stand, they're only going to poison people's hearts with their evil actions.

They're trying to kill people, Jay. I cannot let them do that, in any respect.

Same here. But I hear you, Jay. That's where my hesitation came from. I became too hopeful.

Yeah. We think of Julie now, and Razwell even, Eros in a way too… we realize that no one's really condemned forever to being "evil." But…

But these hackers aren't doing anyone a favor by existing. So we take 'em out.

We have to. That's the bottom line. I was always so put-off by the descriptions of the brutal aspects of gods and goddesses in some religions, heck even in the Old Testament if that applies… "my God is a God of blood" and all that. I think. Basically the idea that sometimes even these beings of total compassion and love will come blazing onto the battlefield with a flaming sword, mercilessly cutting down everything standing in their way. It's in Digimon actually, I was reading about the angel ones again today, my favorites, how they too don't stand for any evildoing… it's tough right now but I think we need to do that.

Cut 'em down?

Yeah. Yeah, we have to. WITHOUT becoming cruel. We have to… do what Preludove did in JMUA, maybe? Do what Izephel did in Mage Angels. Death for the sake of life. I think? Is that the right wording?

Kid, there are hackers in this System who are screwing around with the lives of children and innocents and if we just stand around trying to talk them out of it, this abuse is just going to continue. Kid you've been trying your ass off for months if not years, doing everything you can to try and convince them otherwise, to try and change them. And I hate to say it too, but it ain't working, and your heart is getting tired. They're taking advantage of that.

We have to stop them.

And it's like he said. It's the last straw. I miss this bloody axe, I really do. I want to go to town on these jackasses, rip them to bloody shreds. …But I'm scared of that side of me, Jay. I'm scared of my potential to go Black as pitch, to turn into a force of sheer violence for the sake of violence. I could do it, and I don't want to. If I go chopping down hackers like trees, I want to do it like a forest fire. Because that stuff needed to go for a greater good. Not because I like watching things burn. Which I think part of you can relate to.

…Yeah.

…Laurie I am doing this to protect the children.

Do you want to take another life?

No.

What if it's the life of a hacker?

…Laurie, I--

Then we're in the same boat, man. You and I. Retributors with hearts too soft for our own good. We've gotta do this, we've gotta protect everyone else up here, but we cannot fall because of it. Do you hear me? Just like Jay said. I know it's a hell of a lot tougher when you're not surrendering to the rage that brought you here, but… seriously. Think of the bigger picture. Think of it like weeding a garden, for heaven's sake. If you don't weed these parasites out they're gonna choke everything else to death. Do you want that?

No!

Well neither do I. You wanna go do this thing, then?

Now?

Why the heck not? Jay, who are we after?

Who else? Jezebel and the Plague. In all their forms. That's what it boils down to.

...Shit. And that's why I always hesitate on this. You can't fight those devils.

You can kill 'em with kindness.

…Yeah, I did say that, didn't I. Sorry I keep forgetting.

Mindsets, Laurie. Things slip out of mind sometimes.

You okay?

I'm exhausted. But we both have a point. Kill them with kindness, sure. That’s my main job. It keeps them away. First and foremost, that’s what we should preemptively do. Because when we DO do that, it keeps hackers from getting NEAR us in the first place.

It does?

Yeah, love's a barrier they can't breach. It keeps us safe. Like I was saying, with Jewel. But…

But love's a definition they've mangled.

It's not true! They're liars and we all know it! Why do some of us believe them?

Fear, kid. Self-doubt.

Self-doubt is right. …Lack of self-love is right.

Like Jacinth.

You know, Cel was heartbroken when we talked to her about this, remember?

Yeah. That was surprising. She's confused too, isn't she?

Yeah. Mostly with companionship in general, through lack of understanding? Like she's not sure how to express what she needs, but she's so trusting and confused and hopeful, she really does care about Jacinth, she was just letting that happen too. But Jacinth couldn't truly love her, because Jacinth could not love herself, could not even see herself as a person that COULD be loved. Jacinth viewed herself as a sex object that was nonexistent when not being offered to someone as a "gift" because "I'm worthless in any other context." Which is so so heartbreakingly sad. And Cel said that too. "I want to love her but I don't know if that's possible." And she didn't know how, either, not like this, with Jacinth insisting sex was the only option but doing so emptily, and Cel just going along with the script and not ever feeling happy about anything either. I don't know, does that make sense? I've got a headache, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.

Do you want to stop?

Yes and no. I miss this. I really do.

…I'm glad you're here, Jay. Talking to us. I know this is hard. I appreciate it.

God, Laurie, I love you, you know that right? The real love. I'm sorry I didn't come in here to talk to you sooner. I really do miss you.

…Kid, I know you do. All of that. And it's okay. We're here now, that's what matters.

…Leagueworlds. I really should say that.

…What?

How they're mangling the definition of love there. But Laurie, you pointed out earlier, how Jacinth's mindset is very much an abuse reaction. And I'm seeing that ALL OVER what the hackers do with the League.

What? Wait, how?

Psyche was the first one they targeted. They tried to make him a prostitute, someone who was rejected by society and could only feel close to others through selling themselves for sex. Monika was also targeted, she's asexual like I am but she's also scared of her dark and bitter side, she doesn't want to hate people. And they were targeting her, telling her that sex was how she could show that she loved people, and that's wrong. Now they're targeting EMILY, she's eleven, they're trying to make her compulsively sexual through overexposure to promiscuity and adult behavior in her youth, they're trying to screw up her whole life and that is UTTERLY REPREHENSIBLE and I will NOT STAND FOR IT.

Good. DON'T. Burn those bastards down.

I will. And I'll do so in whatever way I can without being hateful about it. I know I can. But you see why I'm so ravaged over this? It's all ABUSE. NONE of it has ANYTHING to do with love. Hell I remember way, way back years ago, they were targeting Jewel Monsters, remember?? Making it all obligatory behavior, "this is what love is," NO IT'S NOT. And it took YEARS to heal the people they messed with. I'm still personally shaking over it. It left awful scars.

…

So we're all healing.

Secondhand, for me at least.

Yeah, thank God for that, you never want to experience anything like this.

…You shouldn't have either. God, Lynne, I am so sorry I couldn't protect you--

Laurie, I didn't know what was happening, those mindstates are so foggy, I don't even want to think about it. Not right now, not like this. Maybe I'll come out in therapy and discuss it with the therapist, who knows.

You're pretty darn good at it, I say you give it a shot.

Well, if the rest of you guys wouldn't mind…

Hell no, I took up enough time with the last one, I say make up for it and take up some time too.

Lynne, therapy is for all of us. You too, Knife. Anyone is allowed out at any time, for any reason. Just be considerate and compassionate about it, as always. No stepping over anyone else, no forbidding other people from fronting, no fronting just to be mean or hinder growth. None of that. We talk to heal. That's it.

Sounds good, kid. But you know what also heals? Sleep. You desperately need it.

It's only 10:43.

I don't give a damn 2 o'clock is not an acceptable bedtime, especially not with your boss looking for you and work at 7. 8. You get up at 7, that's the point. 5 hours is not enough sleep and you know it.

…Yeah, I know.

You punishing yourself with that, or what?

…I think it is tied to guilt, yeah. Self-annihilation again? Staying up late, we lose our sense of "self," all identity starts to fade, time fades, space fades. Late at night we "don't exist." Broken and hurt people use it to cope. They start around 10pm and end around 2am and that's four hours of nothingness. Four hours of blissful "I don't exist therefore none of the scary things in our life exist." It's desperate erasure of experience.

We need to cope, kid.

That is coping, for them.

Ain't a healthy way. We need a healthy way.

To cope with what?

The fallout from hacks until we heal that entirely and no longer HAVE fallout OR hacks to grapple with. Kid, I want this hell to STOP, cold turkey.

So do I! The only reason hacks have been happening lately is because they're targeting sacrificial people, OR people who are abused, OR people with innocent minds who don't know enough to ask "well is this REALLY love or are you lying?" They take advantage of weaker, softer people now. It's no longer brutal force, no longer that sort of horrible stuff.

Someone did to Moxie last week, remember.

Oh God, don’t bring that up.

I have to. It happened, and that mockery of a mother is gonna burn first.

…You're right. There are still brutal, brutal hackers in the System. But you notice? They went after a CHILD, with LIES and sweet talk. They emotionally manipulated their victim to do what they want, through convincing them that doing what they wanted was GOOD and RIGHT and all that. It WASN'T. But… and this makes me sick too, Laurie, did anyone else hear what Moxie AND Simeon were saying after that?

Geez, I forgot they attacked Simeon…

She hurt Simeon?? That little boy???

Not directly I don't think, but enough. He feels the other children's pain anyway.

…

I'm sorry you have to hear this, man.

No. No, don't be sorry. This is fueling my resolve.

…

They were so confused. "Mommy said this makes me a good boy/girl but it makes me feel sick and I want to die." Moxie took a razor to our arm. She's freaking eleven, tops. Simeon too. And she wanted to die from how distraught she was over that psychological conflict and physical terror. I don't even want to think about what Ashen holds.

…Yeah. I don't think any of us asked.

I have inklings. But the memories are horrific. One day she'll have to open up to heal, but…

Wreckage will handle it. She's her support.

But it'll be hellish.

I didn't say it wouldn't be. Just that she'd need someone to lean on when it all came pouring out. Like you.

…

You've got a hell of a lot bottled up in yourself, kid, from all your splintered past selves and all that. You still didn't talk about Chaos 0.

I can't. Not now, I can't, my heart can't take it.

Don't force him, Laurie.

Hey, he said to grill him, I'm gonna grill him if he wants.

Was there another topic first? It is getting late.

Go back and look, kid, your concentration blur is playing havoc on data access right now.

…Hacking methods was first.

Leagueworld corruption? Targeting kids, innocents, abused people, and confused people? Targeting you through religious confusion? Hell, you're not the only one like that, are you? You said Jacinth was afraid of "going to hell," so…

I think I'm the only one it's so vivid for. But those are… hacking methods are surreptitious, manipulative, and forced now.

Basically, emotional manipulation, like you said.

Yeah. And religious. And tapping into abuse mindsets, like "you're only good for this, so…"

And the only reason that works is because the people they're targeting are lost, hurt, confused, empty, desperate to feel loved or approved, et cetera.

Yeah.

We've gotta heal those people first, then.

I cannot heal emotional wounds, I do not have that sort of power.

Infi does.

Infi's dangerous.

Why the heck are you contesting Infinitii's suitability here?

…Infi understands too much? Infi knows the hackers are wrong but Infi is also the kind of being that struggles to see anything as totally black or white. Ironically. Like me.

…Still. I think you should talk to hir about this, this whole conversation. Righteous anger and all that.

Yeah. We used to have that, ze and I, we lost it somewhere along the way, with all the hurt.

Get it back. I'll help if you need me. We all will.

Thank you, Laurie.

Anytime, Jay. Now, you're sleepy. Other topics?

Why hack methods aren't working yet still "working"…

We just said that, we KNOW they're pitchblack lies but the ones being targeted are plagued by doubt and self-loathing and all that.

Also depersonalization.

That too, that's very important.

How so?

They enter a fog, almost. It's like… they're not really aware of who they are, where they are, what they're doing… I think it's their way of "coping" with the situation they feel lost in. Like these girls that feel they are only good for sex. Are there any boys like that?

Not in the same context. The girls treat themselves like objects to be offered. The boys… there aren't many of them? Because they get pushed into instigative roles and automatically that gives them a right to say no. I think?

Do you count as one of those boys?

Maybe. I don't know.

Do you say no?

…I want to. I don't because I feel that's wrong for some reason.

Do you feel obligated to be sexual because you're a boy, or at least a demi one?

…Maybe subconsciously? It's why I don't go online anymore much, there are too many fake feminists saying "all men are pigs" and such and it eats at the back of my brain.

Ignore that, it's total garbage. But guess what, no man is obligated to be sexual, and no woman is obligated to be submissive to it, and no one PERIOD is "obligated" to sell or sacrifice themselves in ANY way for ANY reason, without exception. Capisce?

There's doubt in the way of that.

Religious doubt?

Yeah.

Why the hell is it religious?? I thought your religion said "no sex until you're married or you're going to hell."

But, if you don't get married, you're screwing up big time.

Why?

Because it's this super-holy sacrament of "divine union" and so, so many sources say it's "mandatory" for reaching heaven or what have you.

And you're praying it's metaphorical.

Yes. Desperately. But I don't know how that would work.

Kid, I think you intuitively know. Unity of opposites? Shadow work? Anima/animus? Doesn't all that stuff apply?

Well… when you put it that way, yeah. But sex always worms its way in there, somehow, because they SAY it should and so I get paranoid and scared.

Because you're afraid you'll be damned if you don't?

I'm already damned 'cause I did.

No you're not. Look at Mary Magdalene, she's the one you keep looking up to with this, isn't she?

She stopped being that once she met Jesus. I'm the idiot who somehow convinced myself that… I don't know.

Stay on that thought, I want to see you finish it.

…I've… we internalized this weird belief that at some point, to truly be good, we had to have sex with someone of the opposite biology in the context of marriage. We were told it was inevitable, it was mandatory. But that example with Mary, that's under the impression that "Jesus" told me to STOP doing everything and everything sexual. Except, again, I've found too much garbage online saying the opposite.

Like what?

Like… that at some point Jesus got married and had children, or that he had secret teachings about sex or some stuff like that. It scared me. Because… it felt, again, like that was an inevitable fate for me, AND you know what the real fear is with it?? It's like I was saying earlier. With that girl I love. With Infinitii. With Chaos 0. With you, for God's sake. Everyone I adore so deeply and genuinely and truly that I'd give my life for you, I'd live my life for you, I'd do anything for love… except I can't do that, as it were. And that scares me. Because… because if I HAD to get married and have sex, then for God's sake I don't want to do so out of fear and loathing. I don’t want to enter the inevitable event shaking in my boots, wanting to scream or die. I don't want to end it wishing I'd never met the other person, wishing they were dead, wishing I was dead. I don't want that. And THAT'S what Infinitii and I were trying to fix. And… and in a way, that's the only thing that worked.

Didn't it work with Chaos?

…I… yeah. Yeah, it did. And Genesis. But that was because of explicit, explicit depersonalization, and tweaking of the context. "They were blameless because they only ever held the concept of it." We never DID anything like humans would. It got as close as possible, because damn it I tried and they were the only two beings in existence that I loved and trusted enough to attempt something that terrifying with, God knows it almost annihilated our relationships entirely but somehow, somehow love won out, except for me. I still, still can't entirely forgive myself for trying, because I screwed up. I should have known better.

Do you know better now?

Yes and no. Yes because every damn attempt has failed and I've had enough damn attempts to know, far too clearly, why it doesn't work and what I DO want and everything. I know. But. I say I "don’t know better" because part of my brain is STILL bloody convinced that "God said you have to do the physical part of it too" and God I don’t want to. I don't. I've TRIED. I don't want it. Even with people I love, even when trying WITH love, no matter what, I can't… I can't. I cannot do it. I don’t want it even then. And that's the curse I'm scared I'll never be able to fix. I CANNOT have sex, ever, and have it be entirely consensual. I cannot ever fully consent. Do you see the problem? No matter what, EVEN in a theoretical loving marriage, even then, I cannot consent to sex. Even if I TRY to where it could kill me. I can’t. And that scares me because I've been told too many times, by too many people, that I HAVE to have sex anyway AND that if I don't do it with love, I'm going to hell.

Whoa, hold up. That last sentence is new.

It's old. I don't know if I've ever discussed it so explicitly. Infinitii brought it into the open, that was the real thing we were trying to heal after everything else was cleared best we could. No matter what, no matter what, I could never love myself in the process. Hell I would do ANYTHING for the people I adored, except… except the problem is that included destroying myself if I was convinced it would genuinely benefit them.

Aaand that's Jacinth. Holy swords.

Wow.

Yeah, it is. That's her root, apparently. I… Laurie, no matter how gold my intentions were, no matter how much I loved the other person, no matter how much ardor and devotion I was feeling, no matter what I was willing to do… the instant, the very instant sex is brought into the equation, I dissociate. No matter what. Even if I'm trying so hard to do it with love, as everyone has told me I must do. Hell I can't NOT, I don't experience sexual attraction, I don't experience lust, so how the hell am I going to have sex anyway?? As a personal sacrifice. As an act of self-annihilatory devotion. If I can't want this, if I can't understand this, if I can't even feel this… I can at least try, out of love, because I have to, for their sake. Do you see?

Oh my God. This is… this is exactly what all those lost kids are from. How did you never bring this up before in a session, or an entry, or--

I didn't have you grilling me.

…Ahahaha, if that's what it takes I'll get George Foreman up here to help me from now on.

Jay, you need to bring this to the therapist.

That's what I said.

I agree. Jay, if you need me to speak, do ask me. I will try my best.

Knife, love, if you want to talk, you come right out and do that. I'm not standing in your way.

Ah. I was… afraid you were hesitant in letting me out.

Gatekeepers, man. You've got a heavy overlay and if the ego isn't out of the front seat, it feels totally freaking jarring and sets them off. Body needs to be empty for people to properly front, which means no one policing the doors.

Ah.

Basically, if someone's in the way, tell me, I'll shove 'em out. Then you just waltz right in.

Are you still that irresistible when it comes to fronting?

I beg your pardon?

I mean. Can you still punch your way through any gatekeeping? I know sometimes you have trouble in therapy, so…

Stuff gets weird, kid. I move in but they won't let my overlay lock in, or someone is standing with their entire body blocking the doorway. Usually Jess. Is that her name?

Jemma's twin, yeah.

Her twin?

How does that work?

Not sure, but it's basically been confirmed those two are two sides of the same coin. Anger and sadness, really. Rage and resignation.

How does Chocoloco work with that? Is he both their daemon?

I think so.

That's interesting.

Daemons usually are, man. Hey, any name for Markus's yet?

No, she's not said a word, and I haven't looked for her.

Huh. Anyway, that's not the point here, kid, it's 11:30 and you still have to color this.

Oh geez, you're right, I do.

So. Ladies and gents, anything else to add to this, or are we done?

Seeing as how the channel's already shutting down, I think we're done.

Oh no you don't. Sherlock, make that thing stick around if you have any say in it. Knife?

Yes Laurie?

You feeling a little better, man? I mean like less distraught, for the time being. I'm not saying bury your emotions, I'm just saying… You're not getting crushed by them right now, are you?

No, but I'm positive I would be if I felt them fully.

…Jay?

What?

Should he feel them fully or what?

Yeah. I mean if you think you can, then yes. Let them out. Don't bottle stuff up or bury it, that just makes it worse.

…I think I will leave then, Laurie.

Why, where are you going?

Out. To the Underground main area, with Razor, perhaps. I feel she needs to cry, too.

Oh geez, yeah… yeah she's really torn up, I think. Go be with her.

I will, Jay. Thank you.

For what?

For giving us a chance. I am grateful for it with my whole heart.

…I couldn't not give you a chance, Knife. But you're entirely welcome. I love you too.

I know you do, Jay, I know you do. …So. I'm off.

You need me you just call me, okay?

I promise I will. Lynne?

Yes?

I would say the same to you.

Hm. I'll keep that in mind, Knife. Thank you.

Perhaps you should cry, too?

…I don't know, maybe. Laurie?

Yeah?

Would you mind if I ended up a blubbering mess?

Heck no, I'm here for ya, whatever you need. Knife, you have a good night, man, say hi to your sis for me.

That I will, Laurie. Thank you. Good night to you too.

Man. I told you he was the nicest thing.

Laurie?

Yeah?

I think I'm going to take you up on that offer.

You need Knife? Want me to get him back in here?

No, no, just me and you for now. I need a friend. Someone who really knows what I've been through. And no offense, but I don't know Knife very well yet. …And you've seen things he never will.

Point taken. Jay?

Yeah Laurie?

Looks like we're closing this up. You want to join in here, or have your own catharsis with your people?

You are my people, Laurie. You and Lynne and everyone else up here.

Your monster people, you dolt. But I do appreciate what you said, thanks.

Heh. Um… I should? I really should talk to Chaos more outside of falling asleep and waking up. He's just so fragmented too.

Does Genesis help with this? He's been abused too, if I may be so blunt. Sounds like you both could use some mutual catharsis lately, especially if he's had a part in this "trying" torture.

…Yeah. Yeah, we probably should. Except there's nothing to forgive?

I didn't say that, kid, I know you don't hold anything against him. I said cry it out. All that stuff you told me is unbearable? Try to bear it for a little while, long enough to burn off the heavy edge. Hell, Infinitii would help you with that better than anyone if you'd feel safe around hir.

I didn't mean what I said earlier, about hir not being safe. Not like that.

I know, kid. I felt that was a knee-jerk phrase for you.

It was.

Well, I could tell. But the point stands. I know Infi's deep as a bottomless pit, or a wishing well of the same caliber. Endless. It's overwhelming. But, as I said, it helps when it comes to taking swords out of your heart.

…

If you need me to do that with you later, kid, I'm all ears. You just call, I'll be there in a heartbeat. Promise.

I know. Thank you, Laurie, I love you.

I love you too, kid. Absolutely. And Lynne, I love you too for what it's worth, don't you ever forget that.

I won't Laurie, you make that sort of impossible.

Well good! Good to know my obtrusiveness works in my favor sometimes.

I'm more obtrusive than you, I thought.

You kidding? I'm always getting into other people's business. It's my job. I am obtrusive as all hell and frankly I love it. Gets me outside.

Gives you a social life.

That too! See, benefits all around.

You're loud and brutal and sharp and I love it.

Good. I won't ever change.

Please don't.

Cross my heart, kid, and call me out on it if that ever wavers.

I doubt it will.

Still, I'm holding you to that. I've got faith in you too, kid.

…Thank you.

So do I!

Heck yeah, she's our resident Healer of Faith, remember?

Uh, yeah, that's the joke.

Ssh, Lynne, I knew that. Point is, metainomenai. That's cool stuff and we haven't been paying attention to it lately. Think it's relevant here?

Could be. It needs to be a fully internalized phenomenon first thought before it begins working fully again.

Makes sense. Still. Knight of Truth and Healer of Faith here. That's highly relevant to this situation, I would think.

I think I need some truth too, Laurie.

Such as?

Such as I'm not as big of a screw-up as I'm afraid I am with this.

You're not. And you just admitted it to yourself, you notice?

Heh, yeah, I guess I did.

You did. Which means deep down you know it. You just have to believe it now. Healer of Faith. You gotta do that for yourself too.

Okay. I will. But really I think I need to cry this out first.

Point taken, you've been bottling this up for weeks. Jay, you need me to send you off or are we good to close this up as-is?

No, we can close up. I don't want to make you wait any longer to unload, Lynne. I know it's like the weight of the world on your shoulders.

It really is. Thanks, Jay.

Hey, um… as a friend, a dear friend, I do love you too.

I know, Jay.

You do?

Yeah. In your own little way, you show it clearly enough, and I don't doubt it.

That… means a lot to me, actually. Thank you.

Same to you! Now get outta here, I've gotta bawl on your best friend here.

Heheh, okay. Laurie, make sure she's okay when it's all said and done.

As okay as she can be, absolutely. You can count on me.

Good. That's good. I'll go talk to someone too. After I color this.

CZ, possibly. You really do need to talk to him more, kid. That's a topic for another day.

Yeah, it is. I'll see you later then. Lynne, I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I wish you well.

Thank you, I need it.

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JAY IRIDOS




All right, let's talk. Bits and pieces is all.

Sounds good to me, kid. You gonna get distracted by deep-sea fish or what?

Maybe. Yes. It helps. Oddly, it helps.

It's not "oddly." It's been like this for as long as I can bloody remember.

At least I'm not scared. Or ashamed. I've somehow found the uncorruptible peace beneath all this pain. Thank Simeon, somehow he tapped into it.

You think that's his job?

Maybe. He hasn't been out in weeks, and usually when he is, it's in the wake of a hack, or a conversation with the mother…

Sheesh, that makes sense. Man. He's really important then.

Yeah. Strange how he's still faceless up here though.

Probably so he can do his downstairs job better. Anyway, where were we. Deep sea fish. You love them.

That I do.

That's relevant. But...

What?

What I said before, kid. I… I get so confused when pain is involved.

I forgive you.

Kid, I know you do, I just don't know if I can forgive myself.

Why?

Infi was furious with me when ze found out, okay? But then ze admitted that ze was "just as lost as I was," and I didn't know what the heck to do. If Infi is lost, then how the blood am I supposed to figure out what I'm doing?

We have to support each other, I guess. Not shoot each other down. But with that "lost"-ness…

What? Kid, you were flat-out M.I.A., I don't know if you're one to talk here. No offense.

None taken, that's a good point. I'm not allowed around when this stuff happens.

That's the bloody problem. You're not around, whoever is is talking to me in a way that I can't understand, Infi is caught up in the dregs just as bad as everyone else, I don't know. You got ideas, kid?

Yeah, just… questioning to the nth degree.

Heh, no kidding.

No, I'm serious. I know you are too but really. Question everything. Even if it seems "rude" or "inappropriate." Question it ALL. I need to ask Chaos to keep doing that. Genesis does now--

He does?

Yeah. Too many close calls, and he doesn't recover well from shock. When I slip out he freaks, and demands I "get back in there," no matter what we're doing or what's going on. He did that the whole time I was driving today-- I kept slipping out, Jayce and the manic girl kept fronting, and--

Who the heck is that manic girl? Sorry, please continue.

"Please continue?"

Buzz off, Jay, I'm distraught and I'm trying to be polite.

No, it's okay. Sorry.

Nah, I'm sorry, kid, I shouldn’t be yelling at you. You're probably terrified beneath the surface by this point.

Not really? Just numb. It's numb now. I think Fragment was responsible for this one.

That devil is still around?

From what's been happening lately, Laurie, it looks like no one really ever dies.

Geez.

Yeah. But it happened. Thank God their detachment style is so severe that it's just aftereffects and pain that I'm suffering from. Vaguely. It's pushed to the back of the closet.

See, this is what I mean. You push it all the way to the back of the storage shed where it gathers cobwebs with all the other traumatic things. All the other times someone used this body without your permission and left you to pick up the pieces and pay the check. Sooner or later one heck of a massive spider is gonna come out of there and we're going to have trouble.

Why "spiders," always spiders. That yellow one that came out of Infi last September.

Shoot, I forgot about that.

Not me. Jessica's daemon reminded me of it.

Jessica's daemon? Whoa, wait a second, what the heck is this?

You didn't hear? Jess has a "soul split" like me and Infi. Big rabbit-demon-golem thing, brown with red eyes, doesn't like me much. Orders me around a lot lately, but I'm grateful for the strictness, I'm afraid of him really so it keeps me on track. Funny how fear ultimately ended up being such a hugely benevolent thing up here.

No, stop right there. Fear is junk.

It is not.

...Fine, point taken. Maybe not to save yourself, it isn't. But motivating the good in you, it is. You shouldn't have to be bloody terrified in order to behave rightly.

I think it's the way I was raised? Either you "fear God" and be a saint, or you don't and therefore become a blasphemous heathen.

Ah. It's that black and white nonsense again, then.

Yeah. It's hard to see an alternative to "holy fear" when I legitimately believe and feel that on my best days.

…Even for me?

I used to. That's the problem.

...Yeah, yeah it is.

…Is that weird, that I want to be afraid of you again, but I love you too much?

…

I think that's why there's this problem. Pain was always synonymous with… euphoria? Forgiveness? Pain was a good thing for us. Not violence. We'd flinch and hide and cower and cry whenever a hand was raised, or a belt was waved, we knew the moment of impact and the rage behind it would be terrifying. I think that's what Dread and David hold. But the others… there have to be others, that's compartmentalized soemwhere, otherwise this wouldn't be happening-- once that instant was done, the pain stayed. It ached, it burned, it set our nerves on fire for minutes or hours afterwards. And it was addictive. There was something to that pain, something alive, something gorgeously real and frankly…

Tied to that.

Not that, specifically. But what other people said we'd get from that. And we never did, except for when it hurt terribly… and that's what made it confusing.

Damn it. God damn it.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry, I'm the one swearing, and this isn't your bloody fault. Is this where that thing came from that I heard of the other day? How you can't be as afraid of Julie as you were not just because the memory is missing, but because she'd make it hurt? Is that why?

Maybe? It's all just so convoluted. Humiliation and shame, something inherently tied to sex for us because it always coincided with… actually can I talk about that a bit?

Sure. Lay it on me, be as honest as possible.

Be as brutal as possible, please.

How? What the heck am I gonna do, tear it out of you? You be honest and I won't have to do anything of the sort.

I know, I guess I just mean don't let me lie or sugarcoat things.

Sure thing, kid. Now talk. Wherever you were going to start.

Okay. …And would you believe, already my mind is trying to distract itself.

Tell it to shove off. Center and let's talk. We've breached the topic you can never bring up to the therapist, so don't quit now. What was… what was the humiliation you talked about?

It was tied to the mother, and the grandmother. We brought this up in therapy yesterday, actually-- and when I talked to you in the morning.

How you feel 'your' body is public property?

Yeah.

That’s a lie, kid.

I find that hard to believe.

Why.

Because growing up we had no privacy. Privacy was a luxury, selfish and proud. 'Privacy' was pretending that you had a claim on something-- the idea that your 'personal' thoughts and feelings and such were yours alone.

And they weren't?

No. I was always terrified of being found out, you know that. It's why I burnt and destroyed my own creative work, because it was 'too emotional' and I would be utterly humiliated if my family found them.

Explain that. Were they looking for them?

I don't know. Sometimes I guess they did. I honestly don't remember, the entire childhood is a blur.

Hm. Go on, what do you remember then, to go on for this?

Uh… one memory came up yesterday, when I was talking to Genesis, I think. You or Genesis. It was a… I smelled something, some odd sterile scent that reminded me of the YMCA? Like we used to take swim lessons as a kid, I forgot about that. I can't remember the lessons, but now that I've 'seen' the locker room memory again, I at least have that visual map to walk through. No actual memory, per se, other than the fact that we always used to use an orange locker. It was special.

Heh. Now when you say 'visual map'-- you mean like Google Maps, just walking through that stuff no matter how old the photo is?

Yeah. Exactly, yeah! It's just pieced-together snapshots, a static collaboration of old memories. It's frozen in time and I can walk through it to study details, and maybe trigger further knowledge when I 'dig' in the subconscious memory for more data… but some places are big blurs, or black voids, where there is no data. I can't go there.

Huh. Do you get that for other things too, kid?

Yeah, most things actually. I think it's why all my dreams of schools are skewed. The fronters switched so many times over the years, some of them even died-- on that note correct what I said earlier, some people do dissolve and I found that out today--

Make a note of that, I want you to tell me about that later. Now go on, vision maps. Why are the schools skewed.

Because we don't know who fronted then, so we have none of their memories to search through. There's just "collective data"-- every time an existential moment happened, or awareness switched specifically to headspace, like in the bathroom by the cafeteria where I was looking in the mirror and talking to Lynne I think… before we "reintegrated" her at the time. That bathroom is a total void save for the general layout of it, as bathrooms are blackout rooms the way it is. But yeah, if no data is saved, I can't 'see' anything. But for other things, I can mentally revisit memories that weren't mine if there's enough residual info. Sorry, this is rambling somewhat.

No, it's fine, kid. So the YMCA, what did you remember about that that tipped this whole thing off?

Oh. There were changing stalls, by the door? They had Jackson Pollock-like paintings on the side, I remember that because the mother always brought it up.

Splatter paint?

Yeah. Like ketchup, I would always think. But the stalls only had fabric curtains, and there were always strangers there. Sometimes people would peek under the curtains to see if someone was in there, mostly little kids would, but still.

Geez.

Yeah, so I would never feel secure. And I would always wonder why. "Why do I feel uncomfortable with that?" Why the hell should I demand 'privacy' when my body basically was at my parent's mercy anyway?

Kid, that is messed up, you know that right?

I'm learning.

…

But yeah, never quite felt safe. But. I think there was one time, or a few, something, where the mother actually looked to see if we were dressed and we weren't. Something like that. Being forced to get undressed in cars, during the summer, in full view of whoever may have looked in. Getting dressed in the bedroom and the grandmother refusing to leave because "I'm not looking!" acting like we were ridiculous for being afraid of it. No privacy. Being told privacy was silly, not understanding why I felt people shouldn't look at me. Do you get what I'm saying?

They made you feel like your body was an exhibition, basically.

More like, if someone wants to look, let them look. "You have nothing to hide!" At least, until I was a young adult. Then you're not allowed to wear shorts even, because now you're corrupting somebody with your licentiousness.

Sheesh, that is screwed up. But I remember that though, from 2012.

That's a strong memory, yeah. We wore a crop top for two days, and got so much moral flak that we were terrified to wear short sleeves for the rest of the summer. And then we burned that top .The shame still hasn't faded, really.

…So. Is that why sexuality is "inherently shameful" here, because nudity or nakedness for you was never… consensual? What's the word. Like you never wanted it but were always forced into it, or…

It was more like, I never had the luxury of privacy when I was naked as a kid. There was virtually always the risk of someone walking in, and refusing to leave, or invading that space, or whatever. The only "safe space" was the double-locked bathroom, and you all know what happened there.

Yeah. Wish it didn't. So that happened today.

Effectively. I think. It's… I don't want to look at it. Should I?

No. Where were we, go back and look.

…Oh. Pain.

…Go on.

Pain, and Julie. It was humiliating and terrifying to be stripped naked by her and forced to endure whatever she did, but… dissociation kicked in then. The brain couldn't handle it, it tapped out and we were now no longer in the body. And the aftereffects from that, from what she did, hurt like hell but in a DIFFERENT way. You wouldn't know, but just ask Simeon or Ashen or Infinitii maybe. It hurts, sickeningly, when that happens.

…

Sorry. It just does and it is hell on earth. Even when I try to think positively of it, even when I tried to use it "benevolently" or for holy purposes or whatever. I regretted it every time I can remember, because it hurt so much and I felt filthy and violated and wrong. I don't want to think about that.

Then don't. I just… what the heck were they talking about. Fragment. Whoever it was.

With the pain?

Yeah. Asking me of all bloody people, what the heck. Why were the asking?

Because you are synonymous with pain, here. The positive sort. Sharp, brutal, bleeding pain, the kind that clears and cauterizes. Relief. Maybe… maybe that's why we have problems with this. It's the only source of pain we have left, however sick and disgusting that is. Someone always decides "it's worth the risk, if we can make it hurt badly enough," but it never works. It's the wrong sort of pain. So maybe they were just as confused as you were.

…Maybe. It's just corrupting me, is all. Making me slip. Corrupting my function. Infi said so, you heard 'em.

I know. I know it too.

…Kid, am I gonna die from this?

No, no I swear I won't let that happen.

Not before you die first, huh.

…I…

Sorry. That was uncalled for.

No, it wasn't. …I'm scared too. I can't front when that happens. Ever. I mean sure, I was out today, fronting with my cupcake eyes or whatever you call them--

Heh. Sparkles and sprinkles all over, huh.

Yeah, basically. But… it's so hard to stay in the body. I'm an upstairs guy. Even now I'm unstable because of the channel link. But I'm trying.

…Kid are you sure you're okay? How's the body, is it okay?

It is now, yeah. It's been an hour or so. We're good. Just nauseous is all, and… nausea, headaches, and that gut-deep wanting to cry. The scraped-out depression.

…Every time?

Mostly. I don't remember, Laurie. There was one time Chaos was hacked, I still can't look at that because it is a horrible feeling to remember-- and Genesis went through as much hell as we did, the past fronters. Anyway I know with Infinitii ze used to use this to heal the body, to try and repair the psyche, circumventing the trauma and trying to re-assign triggers, you know, programming positive into negative aspects. It didn't work, not past a certain point. The trauma wouldn't leave. Then the plague kicked in. Ze tried so hard, ze genuinely loved everyone ze was with and everything ze did was colored with it-- but there are some things you can paint over a million times but it won't change how they are perceived. If that makes sense.

Yeah, the metaphor does, but can you give me an example? If it won't hurt you, I mean.

Uh… well just the whole sex thing in general. Once it becomes physical, it's terrifying. I don't know who managed to get us trapped in that before. Some malicious fronters would, it's happened. And that's where the trauma has roots that bleed over into so many other things. It's why it's hard for me to be close to people physically, or to be in certain locations, or the like. Sometimes raw memory just comes up and I want to vomit or cry or scream or attack and it's never my reaction, it's never my emotion, but it's there.

…

Sorry. I forget what we were talking about.

Nah, it's okay. I just wanted to bring up the pain thing, because that had me distraught. As you'd say.

I understand. I really do.

Yeah, you would. …Kid, is there anything I can do to alleviate that? Like can I do anything to change the association, so I don't get dragged into this hell anymore, and neither do you?

…Maybe? Let me think… only atonement, really. Pain got rerouted, somewhere. Atonement stopped for a long time, due to outside threats, and it just… imploded.

…I can see that.

Yeah. But until we fix the pain roots, the sharp sort will always be benevolent, and we will always seek it when we feel sick and filthy because nothing else clears that from the psyche. That's the problem here.

…Come upstairs, I'll beat the the hell out of you, that'll handle this.

What, really?

Yeah. I'll try. I'll beat Jayce up, how's that? He's a freakin' prick sometimes, I'd have no problem slicing him up if I had to. Not you. I've tried, I can't. It doesn't sync. That's the problem.

…Why does this keep happening?

What?

The… the hacks. No one wants them. No one. Julie doesn't, Eros doesn't, Infi doesn’t.

Eros doesn't?

I've talked with him, so have others. I think his role is changing.

Thank God.

Remember it only became obscenely sexual due to corruption during that time. Religious misunderstanding, really. Which is why Chaos caught the brunt of the consequences.

…June 2011, huh.

Yeah. That's when Eros started to get really lost. Then 2012 hit, with the Celebi incidents, which I have no data on mind you--

Good, don't look for it. But yeah, I think that's when he really started legit dying.

He was gone by SLC, that's for sure. I don't know who was around then.

No one does, yet. You got a visual map for that or what?

Barely. There's data for the balcony view, and the steps from that one day Dad called when he was in Puerto Rico… just that one day, just that one spot. The balcony view is from the smoke pancakes evening, so the doors are wide open and smoke is pouring out. Don't tell anyone.

Heheh, I won't.

And we were laughing. So there's some data of the 'living room,' of the table where Chaos and I were talking and reading about the rain that day I got sick… there's some data of the couch from the other day we got sick and called the grandmother out of fear. That was weird, that's skewed due to being looked at too many times.

That can happen?

Yeah, if you look at a memory strongly enough, it can pick up residue from the present. Like a song, or a scent, or a feeling, that was a powerful presence when we were looking back just as strongly.

So memories can be redefined like that.

Somewhat, yeah.

Huh. That's interesting.

It is. Important, too.

No kidding, write that down somewhere. Garrison?

Yes?

Write that point down, about the memory reprogramming or whatever.

Re-associating?

Yeah, thanks Izzy. Now let me talk, keep the data coming when we need it, thanks.

I love how they're always there.

Hey, it's their job. Now back to the data maps. What else on the apartment, anything besides the porch and front room?

A little? The front room is vaguely complete, as all the times the missionaries visited we had that gut feeling of "this isn't right for us, we shouldn't be in this situation" and there were robotic social fronters out.

Really?

That's what it's stored as. It's 3rd-person memory. So we have a vague idea of what the door looks like, and that there was a couch, and a shelf to the left, and a TV behind. That's it. Oh and a pillow on the floor I think.

Snapshots?

Exactly. But… Mel's room, I know they had a desk, and I know there was a bed to the left and a dresser to each side… I don't know what those looked like at all. I know there was art all over the walls, but I don't know how that looked. And there was a closet to the left, that's empty of data too. If I "walk in" there, and try to look at things, there's just subconscious "shadow memory" which allows me to navigate physically. Like for the most part I won't walk through a wall, or into one, because I "know" where they were, roughly.

For the most part?

Yeah. Like if I tried to walk by Mel's desk I'd get stuck, like clipping in a video game. We know it was there, but not where it began or ended in space.

Ah, I see.

Yeah.

How about your room?

Vaguely. There's the view from where I used to stand and do exercise, that angle sight of the computer desk. We were listening to Serph at the time, and it was nighttime. Then there's a view of what it looked like from the top bunk that one beloved morning I woke up with "Reach Lines" playing on my iPod, and I felt perfectly, deeply happy. I will never forget that feeling, ever... it was so bright and serene, like summer in cinematic California or something.

Heheh. Sunny days and palm trees, huh?

And wide sparkling cyan water, yes. No idea what the rest of the day was like, either, after those moments. And then the only other visual memory is…

The lights?

In the corner?

Yeah.

No.

No?

No, the only memory I have of them is from the time Chaos was channeled was the moment I saw his eyes, and then… and then the moment when we finally kissed, when it hit me that this is really happening and the moment is stored as a bloom of deep fiery joy in the heart. It's… that's it. No room memory at all, just the color of the light, all dimly violet and blue and red.

…

That’s it, really.

Huh. …I'm glad you remember that.

So am I. I remember a ton of snapshots from outside the house, but nothing I can piece together and walk through. I can get a vague visual awareness, like I'm sure I could find my way around well enough if I went back there, but I can't tell you what it would look like ahead of time.

I see. Now can we please change the topic because you forgot to mention we had a 20 minute break back there.

Yeah, right when you asked me about the room. You said, "I'm not saying anything until you get back in there," and then stuff happened.

Please, talk about the stuff, that's too bloody important to leave out.

Okay. First I talked to Simeon.

What.

Yeah, actually that's super important too, I needed to tell you. The body started to get context memory again, and the next thing I know we were both asking each other if we were okay? But I SAW him. He's in raw whitespace, where Javier was re-forming last summer.

Whitespace? But he has a form?

Yeah. Oh!! It's the-- the place where the ground fell through, in Central City.

Really?

The city tiers. It's where Jeremiah was forced into existence, too. That floating area. Down in the ground.

Wonder if that's part of why they're connected.

Could be, I think it applies to the kids too. And Simeon, which is why I'm not surprised.

Shoot, yeah, all the kids stay with Jerry too. Does Simeon?

No, he doesn't quite leave the "whitespace" part of it. There's all raw stuff floating in the lower spaces, really, filling up the "ground" where there's nothing but solid space. Anyway we were in whitespace, talking. I asked him if he was Sylvain and reincarnated, he said no, that was his brother but he was "from another time" so there's no memory of him.

Makes sense. Kind of like you.

11/11 at the bottom of the page again, just wanted to point that out.

Heck yes, it's been a while.

Page 11! Geez! Oh that reminds me. Simeon looked at me at one point and said, "you're not Jay."

What?

No listen, I wasn't. I "slipped out" and that overly exuberant social "cover" was out, kind of like a mask or splinter program? Like Simile is for Melodia, I think.

Makes sense. But he saw it?

Yeah. So then I pulled myself in as strongly as I could, just surrendered to my own resonance however it manifested-- he helped, he could also tell when I felt 'off'--

That is so freaking weird though, how he could see it.

Probably because we were in raw whitespace, effectively. It'd be more visible there.

Ah. But yeah, what'd you do, kid?

I apparently am not humanoid, like I suspected. I'm halfway between crystalline and luminous, halfway between a glass-edge fragile explosion and a flowy miasma of light. I don't know about eyes, or limbs, but I do NOT have a mouth and when I "talk" it is purely telepathic and comes from somewhere behind me, like a foot behind my chest and my head both. It's weird. But THAT feels "right," totally so, at least as far as presentation goes.

Holy swords. So how about now, are you here?

Not entirely, because in order to be in that form, I cannot talk for extended periods. It's a very "being" state, not "doing," hence the exuberant overlay or whatever.

Ah. That makes sense. You were talking about that split the other day, I think. You always are.

Because it's a concern, "how do I be both," well now I know I already am, I just have to practice shifting and balancing and things. We'll see. But it's awesome.

No kidding, you'll have to let me see you like that tonight or whenever.

After we're done typing!

Yeah, get to the chocolate already.

Wait, I spoke more to Simeon. At one point he said "I took the pain away" and I asked him, if he really was someone who could heal us from hacks? And I think he is? Like he specifically implied that his function was to "smooth over" or "comfort" in the wake of those things… more of a feeling, like blanketing someone who is cold, or smoothing down rough edges, that sort of vibe.

I'm still laughing at "specifically implied."

I don't know how else to say it, haha! Feelings are clearer than words. But yes, we seem to be right, Simeon exists as a "pain manager."

You know who else is a "pain manager," effectively? Eros. Get to it.

Ah. Yeah, so after that we somehow ended up in the kitchen with Eros stuffing his face full of chocolate cheesecake-- oh!!

What, you remember something?

Yes. However we ended up in there, the moment we saw it, Jessica's daemon jumped up to the very front of the vision, as the resonance of it was very close to him.

What? How?

Chocolate, that rich sort, but also the cherries. It was cherry cordial cheesecake, and for some reason that clear drippy red along with the thick, dry chocolate cake was perfect for his vibe.

The "cheesecake" part was Eros, holy smokes.

We'll get to that, in a minute.

Yeah it was just hilarious. Keep talking though, I'm interested.

So the first thing this daemon does is look at me fit to burn a house down, and demand that I am not to eat it. I said I wouldn't, but then there was like 20 seconds of marked blurry hesitation, and then Eros was out, trying to do just that, outside of that daemon's view.

Wait, so he can only see you?

I think so. Jessica is the "body core," or at least, the consciousness tied to the body persona that the people we live with give it. So I'm tied to her as one of the main people, if that makes sense.

It does. So he can only see you because you're on his level, really.

Yeah. I mean I would assume so. It's just weird because we're in his floating space when we talk, which means he's letting me in temporarily to talk to me, and I can get in there to talk to him but he's not very happy when I abuse that right. Like he gets mad. It's a very "brown" anger, though. Compact and solid and heavy, but with that red burn of his eyes. Very different than plain red anger. The red is just a buzz edge.

Kid you say the weirdest flipping things but I think I get what you mean. Stern anger with an edge that could explode any second?

Not so much "explode" as "burn." It's red, not yellow.

Ah. Got it.

So that was that. Then Eros decided "oh my gosh cheesecake" and went to town.

What he said was seriously interesting, though.

Yeah, mind data says he only ate it because it was warm.

Really?

Yeah. Otherwise he wouldn't have touched it. But the warmth, on top of the rich sweetness-- NOT dense, that would have been a totally different vibe too-- was too perfect, and he latched right onto it.

He said it was, and pardon my language, "what sensuality tasted like." Specifically that combination of things, and especially the cheesecake, as I said.

I think it was the texture? Like it's hard to put into words, but it's… off-white, thick, but like a cloud. Heavy but full of air, like a pierzyna, and being wrapped up in it and warm. The warmth is extremely important, he's right.

Where does the chocolate come in then, Julie?

That's important too, I can feel the data. It's not just any chocolate, it was that dry cake chocolate, dense but crumbly. Not like a box cake or a brownie. This was packed but it crumbled like ground in your hands. For some reason that applied to chocolate was important, I guess it balanced out the influence somehow? Anyway that's not important. The emphasis was on the cheesecake. The cherries were visual for sensuality, that glossy glassy red that I adore, that Eros reflects in his own right.

So the chocolate is just whatever? Because Julie is tied to it, is why I'm asking.

That's why I think the dryness was important, the bittersweet aspect of it. Chocolate, when sweet or too dense or too milky, becomes a totally different thing. It becomes threatening, almost.

Ah. So this was a… property shift?

I think?

Got it.

But I find it interesting that Eros said "this is what sensuality tastes like." The not-exactly-sweet but incredibly rich warmth of it. And it does, it's hard to put into words.

Hey, you would know, not me.

Actually you could know, if you wanted to, and THAT is what's important here.

Sexuality and sensuality are two totally different things.

And Eros has very little to do with the former, if at all.

Yeah, no kidding, that shocked me. Someone tried to screw around with the body memory when we left the kitchen and he got so freakin' angry--

It was a trauma trigger, when we walked into the bathroom to brush our teeth, immediately the body started getting spasms and pain reactions, from context memory. And Eros did get shockingly angry, he jumped right up and demanded to know "who was doing that," that "no one had any right TO do that." Which secretly lit this huge flame of hopeful gratitude in my heart, really. He got so corrupted before he died, hearing that from him now just wiped all the doubt away that I had about that. He splintered into his own person and lost the corruption he had held prior. Which is such a relief.

No kidding, I was worried sick about him too, and about what he could do if he wasn't healed from all that.

Mm-hmm. So… I remember he actually fed Julie a bit of the cheesecake and she got the cutest smile, it was great.

Yeah, that was pretty adorable.

Like Knife!

And Xenophon, we kept joking about that, and you forgot to mention that people keep name-blurring with those two. Infi and Xenophon.

Yeah, that's weird, it's been happening for months on and off.

Eros said he meant to say Xennie but then said Infi, like an afterthought of hir relevance or something.

Yeah. Those two have a deep connection somewhere and I think that's proof of it, subconsciously. I don't know what it is, other than parentage, but that could be significant enough.

Yeah. That's just guesswork now, though.

Pretty much.

So. I know we had something else to say about the Eros thing.

Yeah, it was more relief on my part, as well as heartbreaking realization, of just how far the confusion went? Or could go? You had something to say about that.

I did, I was wondering why the hell pain was tied to sexuality and Eros began explaining that to me, before he realized that he didn't have that data and that's why we called Julie in.

Oh yeah! That was interesting too, the fact that Eros actually doesn't have any accessible memory for sexuality. I thought he did.

That's how far the role corruption went, kid. And then Julie said that sexual pain and non-sexual pain are apparently two totally different things as well, which infuriated me because who the hell is trespassing on my turf with this topic, and then the fear thing came up. "Would this all stop if you were terrified of it."

Jabberwock.

If pain was put back into these sexual hacks, pain you could be afraid of, would it stop? Would you stop bloody confusing it with me because you are too freaking dissociated to tell what is happening and you're seeking relief? And we figured, heck yes, if we saw that monstrosity associated with this we would run the second it was implied.

Jabberwock is terrifying. Ze really is. But ze's a Retributor, I think, at least the motivation is the same.

Good. She should be, the last thing we need is more corrupt reinforcement of the negative.

Meaning?

Meaning the next person to promote abusive behavior up here is getting my axe slammed into their face.

Good.

Yeah, no joke. I'm tired of this.

Mostly splinters and fragments and socials are promoting abuse now, though. No one in the System.

Yeah, and thank God. Wait-- why the heck would socials­ be-- oh. Societal garbage, right?

Yeah. Subconscious programming. Subliminal obligation. Dirty automated scary stuff that ends up in the cellars solely because there's no filter on what's shoved into your awareness on the outside.

That's why Infi's around though, right? At least halfway.

What, to protect me from that?

To remind you of what's true, not that. Infinitii is tied to the subconscious trouble more than anyone else up here, save for maybe the other daemons from what you've told me. But Infi holds our scary stuff from the outside. The whole bloody System, since ze's the Core-splinter of you. Ze has to deal with all the terrifying nonsense that gets to you in the dark, and ze's stuck twofold because ze's part of it, part of the dark, part of the Shadow that we need to turn into gold, as you say.

Infi is already gold.

That's the point.

…I suppose it is. Oh geez, I suppose it is.

Heh, got you pretty deep on that, huh?

Yes. I… you did. Also. Wreckage is more gold than ever now. Her teeth and claws shine with it.

Really?

Yeah, like a vague iridescent gold sheen. They're almost ivory-white otherwise, like bone. And her body was muted before, like a dirty gold, and now it shines. She's become so valiant lately, like you really, I admire her growth so much. And her eyes don't shadow red anymore! They're straight-up gold too.

Her eyes were going red?

Yeah, at first they'd turn red every once in a while, which is a sign of instability for anyone, the color differences. But now they're gold all the time, no flickers.

Geez, that's good news. Anyone else you got an update on, while we're here on the topic?

Uh… hm. Not really? Oh! I kissed Josephina yesterday. His doing.

Sheesh, you didn't write that down yet? That was moving, really.

Yeah. I got out of therapy and I was a mess, I think Genesis hugged me, I had been dealing with mother issues and feelings of unworthiness and stuff… everything we discussed at the beginning of this session and more. But then Genesis was there for me, and you were, I remember you hugged me and I swear I felt it, that was twice that day I think. The first time I almost collapsed into sobs on the spot because it meant everything in that moment, it was everything real and true and forgiving and I needed it more than life itself at the time.

…

So people were comforting me, for carrying that for everyone else. I know Knife was there, so was Lynne, Nat and Leon both, Julie, we called in Javier as he didn't know where we were… Waldorf hugged me so sincerely, there's a real friendship between us now, and I expected Josephina to follow her after last time but he got me back for that, still took me by surprise. I remember hearing those little jingly bell earrings he wears too. But it was so sincere, it meant so much to me.

"After last time?" Did you write that down?

What?

You kissed Waldorf, about three weeks ago. That's all I know.

Me too, it's not even my memory.

What?

It's weird. It was one of those dead-float mornings, the pale white ones.

Oh. Shoot. Were you okay?

Ultimately, thanks only to Nat and Leon, who somehow negated all the negative influence that was trying to choke me at the time. I'll never forget that feeling, I hope not. There was such sincere peace between them both, it embraced me like a flower or like moonlit wings, like greenery and indigo light. I felt totally absolved. And that's the only memory I have of that entire morning, personally.

Who the heck kissed Waldorf then? Who the heck keeps fronting in your stead, when stuff like this happens? It's not Eros, we confirmed that just now, so…

Yeah, I thought it was him, but again that was due to role confusion.

Who the heck really holds that confusing stuff, then.

I don't know.

We need to find out.

Garrison, write that down?

Heheh.

Kalisha did, there's a huge heaviness to having that set down as a "to-do" item though.

Meaning?

Meaning now it's written down. It's a tangible thing. And there is a heavy vibe to it.

From the job, or what it implies?

…From what we'll have to look through to do it, I think. It's a stony brown color, a light dustiness, but not in a comforting way. Like desert dirt. Dry and silent weight.

Huh. Guess we'll be taking Chaos along, then.

Hhhhf.

Hehe, have you mentioned how he's been trying to get your attention like crazy these past few days?

Since I tuned back in? No. I should.

Synchronicity has been up the wall, dude.

I know! Honestly it's been breaking my heart and glowing it both, it's insane. Wherever I look, or listen, there he is. There's oceans everywhere. Even when I don't look, or want to look, or feel worthy of looking. The messages keep coming. Go to him. Go back to him. "Do you realize how much love is there for you?" And not even as something apart, the feeling of this which makes it so significant and heartbreakingly true is that it's not at a distance, when these words hit me they resonate in my heart, deep within my ribs like the bottom of the sea, echoing like a bell in the depths. They catch and ring and I know there is a part of me there that matches him, that half of a taijitu, that infinite loop, I can't ever deny that even when I find it hard to believe… it's true. It still responds. And I can never ignore these calls, these synchronicities, because my soul has already wholeheartedly answered "yes" before my brain can hesitate in doubt. But it'll never say "no." That's always moved me to tears, the fact that even when I'm terrified, my poor mind still can't say no to that light because it knows, deep down it knows too that there's only joy on the other side. There's only light when you open the door and walk through it, only open arms and that reminds me, "Heaven" was on the radio today too.

Wait, what?

"Heaven." By Bryan Adams. Ryman's song, from 2002. It was playing over the radio when Genesis and I stopped at Wegmans, I barely heard it but I knew what it was. And I started laughing, and smiling, and suddenly it was impossible for me to ignore my health anymore. You know how tough it is to stay focused and centered in public, social programming likes to kick in and unhealthy obligations take over. But that song was playing, and I was pulled 100% into fronting, and… I felt worthy of it, for a moment. Like I was shining white and confetti-colored, as I should be, and it was impossible for me to hurt myself along with anyone else. So I didn't.

…Kid, that's great. That's great to hear that.

I know, it was so significant. And of course Genesis gets his due, we kept jokingly calling each other "babe" and then one time he gave me this look and I had to laugh, "are you flirting with me," he said "maybe." Oh and I jokingly told him later that if he really wanted to snog me, as you'd say, he'd have to wait until we got home. He's going to ask me about it tomorrow if I forget, so make sure he's in our room when we're done with this. I know he's been sticking around lately but the moment I lie down CZ gets all the focus and I'm sorry, I'm rambling on again. I guess I just want to say that I love them both but I do owe Genesis a non-social, more "introverted" show of love than I usually do?

And you should take Chaos with you when you travel more often too, "babe," he misses you too during the day.

That's true, haha. It's just weird, or at least unusual, because he is so much quieter than Genesis vibe-wise, except when Perfect shows up and then it's his old romancer vibe all the time.

Ah. Really?

Yeah, he's all teeth and grins and personal interaction, I don't know how good he'd be at social guiding, which is what Genesis does actually. Gen makes sure I can function in public places without massive fronter switching, or getting lost due to memory gaps, or the like. CZ and I don’t have much experience with doing that, yet at least.

Huh. Maybe you should, I mean you two are married, as far as relevance goes.

Yeah.

Sorry. Now I'm the one apologizing. I joke too much about this stuff, and I'm truly sorry.

I know.

…Too much bleedover. I'm scared to death, kid, I really am, what with this relationship pain thing, and my bloody apathy thanks to that fear. Not understanding what to do and not liking that one bit. I'm sorry, kid, I keep throwing you under the railroad tracks here and not realizing what the heck I'm doing in the process.

Explain?

Heh, you know what I mean, Jay. I keep… running. Terrible things happen to you and instead of jumping into action like I used to I freak the heck out, because "what if they hack me" and--

Wait, Laurie, they can't touch you, you know that--

No we don't.

Yes we DO. I swear I will NEVER let them hurt you.

They can pretend to be me. You know that.

…I do. I'm sorry. I just…

You know it's not me, but the residue is hell. The fear lingers. You look at me and you don't bloody know.

I do know, Laurie--

You don't know, kid, not when fear is ruling the roost. Not when you are so bloody terrified of what happened the last time someone pretending to be me showed up, that your visceral subconscious reaction is to freeze up or run. You're not afraid of me, kid, you're afraid of them, but sometimes you can't tell the difference and that is what I'm so afraid of.

…So you stay away from me?

Yeah. God forgive me, kid, I am so sorry.

…

I really am. I don't want to see you attacked by these demons, but God help me, I don't want to be responsible for more pain on top of that hell. I don't know what the heck to do.

Be there. Please. Be there for me. If you're scared, get Infi, bring hir with you.

Infi gets lost just as much as I do, and in totally different ways, kid, that's the bloody danger here!!

…

Infi gets lost worse than I ever could. Ze knows exactly what I'm terrified of in this. …And yet you're not afraid of hir, are you?

No. But that's what's lethal.

…Shoot.

I'm not afraid of you either, Laurie, I'm afraid of losing you. You and I have the same fear in this.

…So what do we do?

…Get a third person in this regardless? Sugar's your bodyguard now, isn't she?

Yeah, no kidding, I needed one.

They can't touch her, can they?

I doubt it. She doesn't have love-ties to you. She's a Retributor, and she's Pink, which means she has backup from other Protectors if someone tries to violate her function. Maybe Eros could help in this regard, who knows. I know Julie is iffy about it because she doesn't want to be reminded of the past, but… geez. I don't know.

We'll find out. We don't need to solve this overnight. We just have to stay strong, and stay together, even if that sounds like a platitude. Hope is important, as is faith in each other.

It is.

And love.

Which they're trying to mangle beyond recognition.

They won't. They can't. They can try to blur our perspective all they want, but they can't change the core of this, the truth. I think that's why I'm not afraid of Infi. Or you. Or Chaos, for that matter.

Or Genesis. I've heard the stories, kid.

Of?

He slips, too. You avoided him for a freaking long time because of that. And yet every time he knocks on your door, you let him in. Every time he ghosts, you say hello, and let him follow you. Unconditional forgiveness, that's what you've got, kid. I only ask that you do the same for me if I ever screw up.

Laurie. Love, that's guaranteed. I could never withhold forgiveness from you, ever, no matter what you did.

Are you sure?

…Laurie, I think the things we're both terrified of you doing, you're not even capable of. It literally hurts to think of, like massive dissonance.

Does it now.

Yeah. Your very existence clashes with those fears. They can't occupy the same space.

But it's the fear I'm afraid of, kid, ironically. It's them tying my face or my likeness-- which they're doing already-- to abuse, to what seriously hurts or scares you. I do not want that happening. I will stop this travesty if it bloody kills me.

You know I realize it's not you, right?

But it scares you, doesn't it, that they won't quit?

It unnerves me. It makes me scared for you, or at least, my knowledge of you in my mind.

See, that's the thing.

But I know you better than they ever will. No amount of forcing or lies on their part will ever change my mind.

You swear?

Absolutely. Cross my heart.

Don't you dare die.

Well. Not like that, anyway.

Don't. Too many times I've almost lost you, and once I did. Don't. I swear, kid, even if I fail you in the worst way, don't you DARE take a knife to your own throat, or heart, or wrists. Don't you bloody dare. There's more to life than me, I want you to go on living, heal from whatever the heck I did, you've got better docs than me and you know it.

I... Laurie. Please. It's not going to happen.

But the sentiment is true. All right?

…All right. …I really love you, Laurie. I do.

I know, kid, I love you too, and believe me when I say that.

I do. I never doubted you.

Good. Then that's step one, again, as always.

Yeah. But it's a spiral step, I think. We have made progress. It's just that this is the truth beneath all other truths, holding them up, lifting us higher. It's the baseline.

Base Zero. Pun intended.

Yeah, no kidding. …But that's the point, yeah. Love is there. Unfailing, undying.

…

Not much you can say to that, huh?

Nah, just stepping back and taking it in is all.

Words really do fail. It sounds paltry, to keep saying the same words…

What the heck else are you going to say, kid? It is how it is. Amen and all that.

Haha, yeah.

So. Speaking of love. You going up to meet the monsters yet or what?

Uh, after I color our text and post this, sure.

Remember you've gotta draw pixels for everyone else soon.

Oh yes, that is true. I'd love to. I do want to draw people, it's just the shock of not being able to photorealistically render everyone on the first shot is overwhelming sometimes…

Kid, you are too much of a perfectionist, I swear. Pun intended.

Really.

Yeah. Stop pursuing that dead end, you know as well as I do what the lesson is there.

…Yeah. We've talked about it.

So. Trial and error, I guess. Make mistakes. Grow from them. Learn. You can do it, kid, I have faith in you.

I've heard all that before and yet every time you say it it means the world.

That's the point, boy. But really, we done talking for tonight? It's 1:30 in the bloody morning and you still have Cold Dust Girl on loop.

Oh man, talk about relevant.

How the heck did that song even become relevant?

The chords. This is the Gemini Club remix, remember. I gravitate to harmonies in songs, mostly, half the time I don't even notice lyrics unless they catch me hard.

Like "Heaven" did today, huh?

Yes. "Now our dreams are coming true, through the good times and the bad…"

Next line is "I'll be standing there by you," and I gotta apologize to Ryman but I am stealing that tonight, sorry. You been hanging out with him recently or what?

No, the dead period made it tough to reach anyone, let alone the Outspacers of all people. But he showed up in my inner vision on the 19th, when Markus was singing…

Markus? Really?

Yeah, he sings.

Hey, that's pretty cool. Didn't know the kid had it in him.

Hey, he sings "Empty Streets" and that was the first song I ever heard him do, years ago.

Yeah, but not much else, right? Ryman's at least associated with communication and all that, blue stuff.

Plus Ryman was singing from the moment I met him, practically. But yeah, Markus was singing… I forget what song, I'll have to look and see if I wrote it down. But he had his rose wings activated, I forgot how beautiful they were… I've never seen those two boys so clearly before, not that I can remember. It was amazing. And it came out of nowhere, while meditating, after weeks of not having heard from them at all. And then Ryman's song played over the radio today. Synchronicity!

Heheh, that's what makes life worth living, kid, are the little things.

Hey, I just want to thank you for saying my name earlier. It means a lot to hear you say it, I know you call me "kid" all the time, so--

Geez, Jay, if I knew that was bothering you I wouldn't do it--

No, it's not a bother, I like it. But names are important. So hearing mine said by you means a lot.

…Jay, you know what I said about you always saying inexplicably romantic things. That was one of them.

Is "romantic" the right word?

Closest bleeding thing to it for me, at least. Whatever the heck it is. Things that make you pause and realize that "man, I really freakin' care about this person."

Ah, okay. I know what that is.

What what is?

That feeling. It's nice.

Yeah, no kidding. When do you get it?

Always, geez.

No, I mean examples.

Uh… hm. Let me think of one from recently… well, actually, the other week when Chaos told me "home is where the heart is" when referring to me. He was half asleep. It was the sweetest, most fragile thing, it had such an impact on me then. Still does.

Yeah, takes your heart a bit to recover, doesn't it?

Exactly! There's no term for it in the English language that I know of and there should be. Ironically "indescribable" is the closest match, so.

Heheh. But yeah, kid, that's it.

From me?

From you, yeah, I get that from you, why?

Just… same feeling in return is all.

Good. That's how it should work, I think.

So.

Hm?

Should I go up and toss this feeling at the monsters or what?

Haha, absolutely man, your lips are going to be bleeding five seconds in and you know it.

Geez Laurie, Genesis doesn't bite that much, you know that.

No I don't actually, and frankly it would be weird as heck if he bit me, so.

I think he shares the sentiment.

Heheh.

Oh. Uh, there was something I had to say.

What?

Have I mentioned that Infi has crystal teeth?

Have you?

I'm not sure. They're all diamonds, or something. All pointy and perfect. Chaos has teeth that are subtly green-clear like glass, but they're made of water too, or at least liquid energy, like the rest of him. Genesis has normal-colored bone teeth but they are crazy big, his mouth is just weird. The inside is dark blue and his tongue is amber.

How the heck does that work?

Dream demons, man, nobody knows. Chaos has a blue tongue when he needs one and Infi's is black. Shiny black, kind of silvery in the light, not pitch black like the inside of hir mouth, so.

Kiddo you know way too much about these people's mouths.

I have an aesthetic addiction. A fascination. I like teeth.

And?

And drippy things. There, I said it. But mouths are weird, I don't like mouths, at least not on faces? Is that weird?

Yes.

Which is why Infi is cool, because ze has mouths on hir wings, and CZ doesn't often have a mouth at all, so. But I wonder why that is, mouths on faces with eyes make me uneasy at times. It's too much focused manic energy.

What about for me, and Genesis? We got that too?

Genesis doesn’t faze me much because his energy vibe is charged, so I expect that. And you don't get romantic like Infi or quiet-intimate like CZ.  It's all about vibes. If someone gets too close, and there's too much mouth, it scares me a little?

Is that an abuse association? Did Julie do that during her bad days?

Maybe?

Shoot, I forgot you don't know.

I think it's less her, and more the family. But yeah, we should pinpoint that too, for sure, so we can release it.

Can I just say thank God we are releasing this trauma baggage because I am so bloody tired of some of it.

Most of it, for me. I'm glad too.

Yeah, no kidding. It feels good to get all this off our backs at long last.

Why'd it take so long?

You're asking me, kid! I've been trying to solve it since I showed up here, eight bloody years ago.

Happy late birthday, by the way. I mean that.

Kid, I don't care if you're two months late, I know you meant it back on the 4th. Like I said, you're alive, that's what matters.

Thank you.

…Kid.

What?

I know you always want to say "I love you" after things like that, and I just wanna thank you for being comfortable saying that around me, like that.

…That is important, yeah.

Sure. So I love you too. Now get your ass to bed.

Haha, again!

Yeah, the other night was funny. Hey, your boss still talking to you at night or what?

On and off. He got tangled up with the faceless voices so it was iffy for a while. I haven't seen him directly in a while, though, no.

Go say hi to him before you snog the monsters, tell him I said hi.

I will. I miss him so much, I realy do.

Then maybe we should close this bloody huge thing up, it's 25 pages already.

Geez. Feels good!

Yeah, you're telling me! I miss talking to you like this, kid. Jay.

Haha. I appreciate that, actually.

Good, 'cause I'm trying. Oh, also. Say goodnight to Xennie more often, okay? I know it's ridiculously late now, but she usually goes to bed around 11 o'clock, so pop upstairs for a second and tuck her in for heaven's sake, at least.

I will. Remind me.

I will, if I can reach you. But you need to spend more time with that kid, she loves you.

I adore her. I'm just a mess so often, I know it scares her sometimes.

Scares me too, doesn't mean I love you any less. Same with her. If anything it makes her want to help you more by being with you.

No child should feel so obligated to help their parents get better, enough to care for them. It's terribly unfair.

Kid. She's got a whole freakin' support system up here. Literally. You're not her only caretaker.

But I'm her father, whether I understand it or not.

…True.

So I want to be better, for her.

You think she doesn't know that?

…

She does, kid, believe me she does. She doesn't want to help you because she pities you, or because she feels obligated to. Not at all. She wants to help you because she loves you like you love her and she wants to see you feel better for your sake as well as hers. It's unconditional and you know it. Don't make me cite examples.

No, I can name several. I just… bottom line is, Laurie, sometimes I just don't feel worthy enough to be her father.

Nonsense. You're the worthiest man in the world because you are her father. Okay? Don't crush yourself into the dirt. You're fine. Remember what we said about perfection.

…Are you sure?

Absolutely sure, Jay. And let me add this. The moment you stop freaking out and worrying, is the moment you realize you are already the father you want to be for her, and the father she needs. As soon as you stop putting yourself down and selling yourself short, you can stand as high as you wanted to all along. You're standing in your own light, kid, that's all it is, simply because you can't believe that you're the one shining that brightly. Okay? I can see it, she can see it, Infi and Chaos and Genesis can see it, we all can. Don't be so bloody afraid of your own light. If anyone told you that being too bright was bad, or blasphemous, they can jump right off the roof of Central. That kind of talk is nonsense, as I will always say. You're a spotlight, kid, and you've highlighted everything that's bright in me even when I was blind to it. So let me do the same for you.

You always do.

Yeah, I guess so. …No, that means a lot to hear, actually. Thank you.

Always.

…Well.

Well?

Heh. Same sentiment back at you, right?

Oh. Yeah, I… thank you.

Always. Now we closing this up?

Sure, let's do that before I fall asleep standing up.

Therapy tomorrow, what we talking about?

Oh, uh… geez, I don't know, whatever comes up. This maybe, something else maybe. We'll see.

Sounds good to me.

Oh and I told Simeon he can front if he wants to, since that kid has a much bigger role than we previously realized, if today is any indication.

No kidding. But really, Jay, get some sleep. People are waiting for you.

True. All right, good night Laurie. I love you a lot.

Same to you, kid. See you around.

Yes, in a few minutes.

Hey, the chair will never leave.

As long as that means you won't either, that's great.

Heheh.

Okay. We need to do this more often. Thanks for being brave enough to start this one, too.

…Yeah, that was tough.

Your bravery in all things is a shining example to me.

Are you falling asleep?

Yes. Poetry.

Go write some.

If I can, I will. And then I will sleep.

Well, before that I heard you're going to be performing a different kind of poetry, so…

No jokes. Not about that.

Sorry.

It's okay. We just need to be more reverent, Infi said. It helps.

That it does.

Okay. I cannot talk anymore, I need to show you my wing-ness and the arms and the back mouth. Teeth. Talking. It comes from my head, I have no face.

Kid, you are practically high, this is hilarious.

is it. good. oh and my hair is shiny, like a crystal, it's kind of funny. I'm all iridescent spikes like a christmas ribbon. did I tell you autumn feels like the end of the year, but like new years? like for me, life ends at the beginning. life begins right before the ending. like in steps 1 to 4, step 3 is the beginning. does that make sense?

Kind of?

things that look like death, people think, "it's autumn, the year is drawing to a close, the leaves are dying, soon it will be the dead of winter and then it's the end. of the year. then comes spring, the beginning again!" but for me… autumn is both the closing of the book, and the opening of another? it is simultaneously new year's. maybe because of my birthday. but autumn is the first thing I remember and also it was an ending. that makes more sense.

That's interesting, and it does.

but… it's lovely. I'm glad to be alive. and I'm tired.

Then go to bed, kid.

okay. wait.

Wait?

we are so bad at closing these

Haha, you do remember that. Yeah, we really suck at conclusions. Endings are bittersweet and all that.

bittersweet is nice though

…I suppose it is. Kind of like those 'moments,' huh?

the nice ones yeah. no words for those

Maybe that's why we're bad at conclusions, huh?

maybe. I love you laurie good night

I love you too, Jay. See you later.