the spectrum heart cathedral system

✱WE'RE GETTING HINTS OF ANXI'S *INCIDENT* ALREADY. It's probably going to involve the "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH" distortion related to BEING LOVED. It'll probably involve the TAR manifesting SHAME & GUILT in direct violent opposition TO love. And I can FEEL that Anxi's soulwings will LOOK LIKE THE MOVIE'S "SELF CONCEPT". Honestly though I could CRY from how my heart is just LIT UP by her. It has been SO LONG since I was in love.
...but. There ARE seeds. I just never let them BLOOM. not YET, at least. But I WANT TO now. And I WILL. And I can ASSURE YOU that the NEXT person to get an *incident* will be a CERTAIN OCTOPUS that I know. Only time will tell. But it will.


✱Just a reminder. DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR OCTOPUS. You know you still love him too. Hold on to that.
(for the record, in recovery, FOCUS ON LOVE. Embrace ALL the Outspacers, AND the WHOLE SYSTEM in your heart. LIVE, TOGETHER.)


✱We FINALLY watched Inside Out 2 & my heart is a FIREWORK. We went to snack and everyone was talking about it & I wanted speak up because the film means so much to me, but... it's because I love Anxi. And ironically I was hesitant for that reason. I went upstairs & went to her, wondering what to do. But all I remember is that, after I stated the concern, she began to echo it, saying "what if they..." but then she stopped. For a moment she was quiet. Then she softly said, as she looked up at me, "...actually? I don't care." It went straight to my heart. It hit so hard. We couldn't help but kiss. God it meant so much to me, thank You.
Lastly? I was SHOCKED when, as I ate the Poptart, I SUDDENLY & VIVIDLY felt ANXI MOVING IN TO FRONT. So I let her. She drank ALL the soymilk & we DIDN'T PANIC, despite even feeling itchy. She just didn't care. There was just LOVE.

thursday sept 7 11:11 pm


omelette breakfast!

DRIVING to the store to buy soap.
starbucks!

talking religious stuff with mason & ollie

reblogging realm stuff on tumblr.

SCOTTISH ACCENTS.

cardiophagy.

kissing will never be the same.
sexuality will never be the same.

lips feel and taste like heart muscle.
sexual contact feels just like touching it.
infi kept running hir fingers over and through and into it as we held it in the sink,
under the water no less.
jay kept just stroking it. feeling the muscle striation, the strength of it, the lingering life.
it was an absolute religious experience. it was an absolute intimate experience.
jay ate it in his "anubis" form, cofronting with infi.
biting into it, tearing at some points, but ALWAYS so deeply shakingly reverent.
taking it into our own body. life feeding life. more sacred sexuality right there.
just… eating a HEART. it was utterly sacrosanct. we ate the entire thing.
blood running down our arm. the tendons in our teeth. the aorta on our tongue. dear god.

no fear at all today

laurie talking to oliver on the porch; HOLDING A SOUL FORM????????
mentioning nexus, "ddi" thing, HER resonance with Black being TIED TO THAT
jay and the "j" / "jewel" TITLE-NAME thing; "expansive" sense; fluidity?
GOLD HEART & BLOOD = INCORRUPTIBLE ANCHOR. can hold ANY form like that.
mentioning chaos's blue resonance? celebi too, with green!
talking about color vibes; red and black notably.

infi talking to oliver on the porch for hours.
the HEART EATING thing.
got REALLY "BLACK" talking about that, good lord.
LOTS OF EYES.

"MISSION" bit. shocked but honored and profoundly touched by it.

"can you see my dark side"

ollie was trembling again. infi was so deeply moved.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




This is resonating with Somewhere in Headspace so hard, but we’ve Never seen anything like it before, save hints of such in the chthonic levels (all those lava tubes). I have a feeling there’s a LOT more to our innerverse than we ever imagined. It’s an exciting thought.





#orange #orange realms #brown #brown realms #theres a lot of bleedover between the orange and brown realms #we are still trying to figure out how exactly they coexist




#damaged girl #this is vibing hard with someone #which is unexpected #not quite ashen #she's not resonant with blood #and lace braids isn't either #although we do have to find her again #so you never know #maybe she is vibing with this and we just don't know her well enough to tell #we shall see #nousfoni resonance #white #blood #feminine forms #water #black




#color healing #feelings to transmute #brown #string lightbulbs like that cause kneejerk panic & nausea #dry harvest grass and hay like that causes a kneejerk panic reaction #that needs to be healed for the sake of the amber spectrum





#rainbows #jay's aesthetic #oh my heart #white #this hits me hard #this has both the white plague vibes and the spectrum pure-color vibes #so this is literal visual hope




"the brightest of all the colors"
#a clairvoyant once told us our eyes were like this #wide open and keenly perceptive of similar otherrealm things #and deeply glowing golden in hue #she also said our ethereal vibe-presence was like a whale #huge and powerfully gentle and enigmatic and ancient-hearted #we surprisingly relate so strongly to whales #yet another reason why Dishonored resonates so heart-deep with us #and which is what the indigo cast of this also makes us think of #all in all good photo #thanks for the thoughts #musings #jay's post #oh yes and is that a fitting caption or what #gold #indigo

events as of late

thursday
tons of chaos synchronicity on the ipod
came out of NOWHERE, shocked me really, nothing had provoked this, but there it was
happened last week too.
included e.t., jojoushi, thunderbird, why i like you, jewels, open your heart, metaphorically yours, his sth themes, etc. practically all in a row
not sure what this means for me personally, it used to just be a spontaneous show of affection, now it feels strangely alien?
worried about that. could be a major fault on my end, closing off, fear?
"the forget you song" by frost* did play twice and the lyrics to that are far too relevant to the scary but hopeful atmosphere between us lately.


the night.
trying to heal xenophon's parentage AND heal the original "pink" event all at once
(almost exactly 4 years later btw)
very disturbed though, identity KEPT SWITCHING, could not stay white in that context
lost virtually all memory of event, even though there was no hatred in the actual thing.
PROVED that motivations have no bearing on the actual outcome. the actual outcome is ALWAYS painful/hateful.
helps to forgive self, because that wasn't our intent, i.e. we weren't doing this out of hate or violence, even if that's what happened in the end.
starting to seriously worry if we're going to have to permanently drop the whole idea of parentage for xennie, as it is feeding into way too much trauma
also worried sick about chaos, he's still as unstable as he was back in 2004, he cannot stay around if this persists


friday morning
TWO HOURS with everyone in the coregroup
chaos, laurie, genesis, infinitii, javier, markus, rio
infi toned down hir vibe a lot and mostly stayed in the background
or joined with others to boost the emotion level through the roof
4-person heart connections are incredible
and also just as painful as you would think (not in a bad way but there are usually a lot of tears nevertheless)
lots of sword imagery with those lately too. thats new.

laurie is the best kisser in headspace and I apologize for how trite that sounds, because it's a result of her untouchability/ devotion
rio holding too much shadow? didn’t feel like himself. markus completely broken open, emotional. it's like their personalities hit the opposite of what they were as kids.
javier trying too hard to show emotion? still trying to get a grip on "not performing" or guessing. warning him to be present.
adding more fuel to the fire on what we're supposed to do with chaos. could not feel close to him. wondering if our relationship really did shatter years ago and we're not going to be able to fix it? worried.

toying with the whole "gem fusion" idea from steven universe as it STRONGLY parallels the original "fusion/morph" phenomenon in early headspace days (2003-2006).
still unsure if metainomenai are still a thing or not, feel tied to old timeline. but people still reference them. (esp. laurie and lynne)
so we might have to consciously evolve it into a different, new-timeline context. like how outspacers all have to leave behind their source material in order to function correctly.
again, that's still our main concern with cz. he hasn't let go of his and it is poisoning him



friday evening:
laurie realizing that the "pseudohacker" kids, i.e. the ones who get tangled up in sexuality from confusion and not malice, always look for HER because she is the manifestation of everything they REALLY WANT:
purity, chastity, safety, strength, VIRGINITY.
laurie is UNTOUCHABLE by everything that hurt them,
she doesn't even UNDERSTAND it, she CAN'T, so she is PERPETUALLY SAFE

her talking to julie about this.
saying julie shold be a "beacon of hope" because she rose above BEING our WORST hacker, now she is a source of love and affection, PURIFYING that.
said we really do need to talk to ashen, especially. she still hates julie and we need to heal that, for both their sakes.
julie saying laurie was this "ideal" for the damaged ones, they all ran to her almost as a savior figure?
laurie said she didn't want to be seen that way, julie said she knew that, but the hurt ones still looked up to her as that


a note:
when enduring body connections (rare, I don’t like them at all, only happen in paranoid situations) the ONLY way to make them hack-free is to make them PAINFUL, as that OVERRIDES hackers.
however the pain almost automatically gets associated with LAURIE, so if she DOES show up you are literally in the clear, everything shuts down and stops, so you're totally safe.
that pain is the only context in which there is NO DISSOCIATION, NO FEAR, NO PHYSICALITY AT ALL
ironically though, that also OVERRIDES THE VERY PURPOSE OF ANYTHING BEING PHYSICAL. and thank GOD for that.
remember, EVERYTHING for me goes through the HEART. NO MATTER WHAT.
this is why hackers kept trying to make hearts "evil" for me, so that I COULDN'T have that purity anymore
shockingly the monsters are what healed it for me? the brutal, angry, painful ones, HEALED the sanctity of the heart, because their hearts were still solid gold and they wouldn’t let them be corrupted. (mainly I have to thank wreckage)


still questions about celebi???
NOT doing anything with her, but allowing things for her through me??
severely depersonalized, detached, but massive compassion/affection.
"precious thing," fragility, beauty
still no idea how this plays into dreamworld or our centralite. very very confusing.
still parallels to chaos all over. shocking, only two outspacers in central, both tied to green/blue, similar shapes, etc.
and no matter how much fear or misguided hate or anger comes between us, I don’t think I'll ever be able to stop loving either of them. it feels inherent, even if its smothered.
really wondering about that



friday night:
chaos and I talking to rio
visited him in his room.
saying he was "writing" on his computer, about US?
like the old days. adventures he wishes we had, things he remembered, etc.
said it was upsetting, he didn't want to just dream, he wanted to HAVE that again
I said we all did, and we could
hoseki couldn’t do this anymore though, but I could, I just needed to "meet them again"

asking "what happened with you," why did he suddenly seem so dark and bitter,
afraid of shadows? but they grew too big
opposite of markus's reaction really (rio got angry/hard, markus got scared/fragile)

lethe showed up
his energy is like a handful of knives
brief argument with infinitii.
(lethe talks through his stomach mouth remember)
getting tar out of rio???
massaging his shoulders, back. asked why. he said it was "loosening things up?"
the fact that it was a daemon touch was also significant I think
coughed it up, "too big to come out,"
rio's eyes suddenly widened, "soul forms," asked me to kiss him, that's how we used to as kids
infi said ze would instead, it would be faster,
rio hesitated briefly then shrugged and said "you know what, sure," no reticence
they did, infi must have hit him with an absolute wave, soul form was instant, rio seemed absolutely dazed

I cannot remember how infi got the tar out, I'm wondering if it was a washout,
either way it was all at once, like running a sifter through his energy field, "caught" everything stuck in it
tar was in the shape of a huge spiked ball? like a mace. hit the ground with a HEAVY thud

afterwards rio's energy field was NOTABLY lighter, softer




I DON’T HAVE A BEARD???
THAT WAS ADAKIAS'S THING??????
it's throwing off my overlay which is totally weird
my hair is also in a totally different setup, it does NOT have the celebi swoop-back, nor does it have the jayce-hair we have in the body??
no idea, just trying to fix my overlay, frankly I keep "dephysicalizing" into more of an energy state

laurie scared that I'm staying in White but no longer being the host???
system feels like things need to switch or alter again. tumultuous.
massive emphasis on rainbows for infi and I lately btw. stark black/white is being forbidden? notable.
possibly causing the whole "host shakeup" feeling as this is technically a huge shift for us, with how we've been slipping largely since taking these color roles.
also wondering how the black/white slots REALLY fit into the spectrum map? now that its 3d?
NOT COLOR SLOTS???? more like surrounding space.
this would help them both be RAINBOW slots instead of the black/white problem. really hoping so
also the map feels like brown is ALSO removed from the color-ring, moved to the middle?? connecting downstairs? unsure. would explain why spine has been a holy mess for so long, despite feeling absolutely irreplaceable in some subtle way

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE INFINITII ETERNOS LAURIE UBERICH MR. SANDMAN



Good morning, sunshine.

Hello.

Oh. Hi. Didn't expect you in a Xanga session this early, let alone at all.

Why not.

Didn't think you were accessible.

If you are accessible, I am too. Are you looking for Laurie?

Obviously.

Hm. Does she know we are having a session?

Probably not. I didn't plan on using this one anytime soon, but hey-- surprise day off from school, past few days have been nuts, I figured why not.

*nods* So are we discussing that?

Jeepers Infi, how are you syncing into this so quickly already?

I'm adaptable. It's in my nature.

Well that's good.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up just a bleeding second. We're talking with Infi??

You're calling him Infi?

It's a nickname.

Still!

Infi, Infinitii, whatever. My point is, how the heck is he already session-ready?

He says he's adaptable.

It's true.

Huh. Oh well, no use complaining about the details, you could help us out. So, kid. What's the topic? Why the heck are we in here at 9AM of all things?

Uh, a couple reasons I suppose? Mostly though, because I keep getting very painful and intrusive hacks into my consciousness and-- holy sharks, Infi I just realized you saved my sanity three times in a row lately, thank you.

You're welcome. I was wondering when you'd catch on.

Wait, what do you mean?

I took away all rights to my energy manipulation upstairs from everyone besides the Tar; in other words, the Black slot. And yesterday alone there were two very big incidents of such, BUT Infinitii was directly involved in both, so, technically he just saved my neck. Thanks bro.

It was needed. Tar was trying to harm you all day. If we didn't work together to cleanse it, you would have fallen even further this morning.

Are you insinuating that he's already fallen since he woke up?

Somewhat. Like he said, the Tar is ruthless.

You seem oddly nonchalant about it.

It's a simple observation.

Guys, can you give me a moment? We haven't spoken in a very long time and I'm having trouble getting clear channels running. I hope neither of you are being mistranslated.

Wait, just a second. That's what I want to discuss, for once. Why the heck haven't you been around?

Same reason I scratched this in February. Please, Laurie, just two minutes, I need to fix my head.

Fine. But as soon as you get back we are discussing that point.

Wait.

What?

You did not give your reason yet. What was it?

Oh. Uh... Laurie kind of hit the nail on the head, unintentionally.

Unintentionally? Kid, I mean every single thing I do and say.

Good point. But yeah, I am worried about how dark I'm becoming lately. I've been a mess since my surgery, which is very disturbing because I was doing okay after the "start from scratch" attempt?

Are you kidding me? You've been fluctuating wildly between light and dark since the bloody thing!

Do you think maybe that's because I wasn't supposed to survive the bloody thing?

Don't get sassy with me, boy. You heard your boss. There are bigger forces at work here.

Why should the "bigger forces" be concerned with me--

Remember what your daughter said.

...

What did she say?

...Holy smoke, I was about to tell you and then I realized you have the same ears as her, just a lot bigger. Was that intentional?

Ah. No, it was more of reverse relevance.

Meaning?

Meaning she probably got them from me.

How the heck would that even happen?

I was torn out of Jewel, remember.

Stop calling me that.

Before that event, I was still part of him, of course--

Wait. Sorry to interrupt, bro, but the kid just said something really bloody stupid.

It's not stupid, Laurie, it's true. The name doesn't fit.

Because of the people that used to call you by it?

...Mostly. The sound has become tainted. It's energy no longer matches mine.

Here's a question. What does that name's energy feel like then, now?

What was our topic, even? Were we discussing anything?

We're talking about whatever the heck comes up, that's how we do these sessions, we don't worry about any fixed structure. It always works out somehow.

You can't do that. Things need to be organized and coherent. We need order and structure. It's the only good thing.

That and "cold," huh? Is that why you're acting like this? You're freaking out over black and white "good and evil" nonsense again, even now??

I can't hold fire anymore. Fire destroys coherence. Fires of hell and all that. I can't hold it, I can't keep the Red slot, it's too angry, it's the color of blood. I can't keep my old name. It feels wrong. It was never a name anyway.

Yeah, it was a title, given to you by the Dream World, I know. You knew at least two other Jewels up there, too, didn't you?

Yeah, lovely women.

Is that why it doesn't fit anymore?

Not quite. The gender part only ties in to my old "persona," the one from 2001-2004 or so.

The Klonoa-ears one.

Precisely.

If I'm not mistaken, you just dismantled that one.

Yeah, I did. It never felt like me anyway, it was always third-person, even in headspace-- why am I talking about identities like this is a thing? Why can't I ever annihilate myself? Why do all my efforts fail?

Because nothing short of straight-up suicide is actually going to end you, kid, and I'm not about to let that happen.

...

You're not protesting that statement?

No... because you brought that scar back.

Oh. ...Oh, okay.

...

All right, go take that mental break now if you want to. These channels really are getting pretty frayed.

Thank you.

So are we good now, or what?

...He loves me far too much.

Who?

My boss.

Oh. Yeah, no kidding, the man's a saint.

I don't deserve that, with what I've done, to myself and other people.

Like what?

...Julie needs to get out of that color slot.

She can't. She belongs there. We've discussed this.

Then we need to fix her, somehow.

Kid, what the heck is going on up there? You okay? Big picture, I mean.

Big picture, yes. Always. That's what boss reminds me of.

As you were saying...

Yeah, I get it. But he won't let me die. Wouldn't, either. Kept picking papers out of the flames. Sometimes I really wonder why he picked me, of all people, to be his Apprentice. I don't feel worthy of the title at all, especially not when it's tied to someone like him. But, last night, I asked him if I was a disappointment, and he laughed. He smiled, and he laughed, and he said I was "exactly the opposite." I don't know how to feel about that.

Why not?

Because I've disappointed myself.

Let's visit that point for a moment. What impossible standards do you have going for yourself, kid?

Meaning?

Meaning, why are you disappointed in yourself?

He expects to be pure white. If he is not, he feels unworthy of it. He tried to give it to me yesterday.

The heck? Jewel, that's your color, not Infi's!

He's got it brighter in him than I ever did and probably ever will.

That's not true.

He's you, for heaven's sakes!

He's what I could have been.

How would that even work?

No, think about it. Look at me, destroying my own heart, splintering my entire self. I almost ended up the last man on earth, because I was willing to effectively decapitate my own soul in order to cut myself off from who I had become, and from everyone I had ruined. Whatever "light" you clam to see in me now, as far as I'm concerned, is just an illusion. Any real light, and love, is all in Infi now. I'm nothing. I'm the true shadow here, a shadow of whatever "angel" I used to be in your opinion, with how far I've fallen. I'm not worthy of this color. In my hands it's just bleach. Just nothingness. If anyone can actually hold this hue, it sure as heaven isn't me.

Okay, I get the picture, geez.

Are you trying to kill me, then? I who am your heart? 

I-- no, no Infi, I could never kill you, I'd never want to--

Then don't kill your self because it is my heart too. Don't switch our colors. I am meant to be Black, you are meant to be White. You can't reverse that without us completely resetting our identities. Don't take that as an invitation.

...

Suddenly his motivation makes sense!

Very funny, Laurie.

I want to know why you hate existing so much.

I'm ashamed of my narcissism, maybe.

What narcissism?

I'm tired of being important. Ever since my childhood, I've had everyone and their brother telling me that "I was born for a reason" downstairs and that "I have an incredibly important role" upstairs. Then you guys showed up, and your lives were anchored to mine, and that was the last straw. After a while I was just sick and tired of being the center of the universe. I didn't want anyone else to suffer for it, though. I didn't choose to be important, but if I had to be, then I wanted to be important in my unimportance.

Like a galaxy rotating around a black hole.

Maybe-- Laurie, was that an injoke?

Half of one. Point is, kid, you're still important, and you still exist.

I'm so tired though.

I know. But honestly, kid, I think it's downstairs life that's getting to you. You're being pulled in all directions. Really, at night, when you're asleep enough to forget it all and you come up here, I love seeing you so simply happy. That's the only time I ever see you smile anymore, is when you're not even halfway bloody conscious. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

Intellectually, maybe. Empathy's been slipping from me lately.

How? That used to be one of your strongest points!

I think... really, I think that my several Scratch attempts really upset my Links. They are what allowed me to feel what other people felt, in the past. It's why my teenage self-image was a mess; I was always reaching out to people with them, losing myself in their stories and thoughts, never considering my own, let alone whether or not I really had any. It's WHY I was able to type Dream World so well for years-- because I wasn't in the picture!! But then headspace became a thing, and I was forced to be a person of my own for once, and... I'm still not used to it. I'm not comfortable with this. Except now, it's become so deeply rooted that I can't change it. I can't run from it. Like it or not, I am anchored to this Spectrum just as much as you guys are, and all my desperate attempts at pseudo-suicide are simply feeble wishes that I wasn't.

...

So why did your Links suffer?

They always did, when I would work with headspace, because they require me to completely let go of my self-image and be the other person. That's why so many outspacers came in and out of Central back then; that's what allowed them to! My energy would branch out and bring them in, but only those whom it resonated with could stay. But yeah, the more I had to focus on myself, the more my Link capacity suffered. Parnassus began to falter first, you all remember that.

Yeah, it pretty much hit the floor as soon as JTHM entered the picture.

And I tried to Link with that too, remember? Johnny even visited Central once or twice! Unfortunately that's when you and Lynne and maybe even Nat were already around, though, so--

Unfortunately? In comparison to what?

In comparison to me not having any ties to anyone as an individual. You swore your life to protecting me, to helping me to "become the person I needed to be." Ironically, that mission statement was the root of all my problems. I didn't want to become a person at all.

So that motivated the Scratch on the 24th, huh. You wanted to delete all of us, all the reasons why you had to "be a person," and go back to writing your Link-worlds without a second thought as to your own existence.

Yes.

Too bad, you're the Sandman's Apprentice now.

That's my point.

You said he loves you too much. I don't think "too much" applies to him.

"Too much" applies to anyone who values my life that much. You guys shouldn't care.

Why not?

You have your own lives to worry about.

And mine is anchored to yours, you just said that. Once again, we've been over this.

...

Geez, you don't look happy about that at all.

I wish there was a better way. Laurie, I really wish I could just... sacrifice my self, somehow, like I actually managed to do for a short time after the life-scratch. Do you remember?

What?

I managed to tear out that part of myself. My entire upstairs identity became autonomous, and for a week all of you guys were living in harmony with it, as a separate world. You became "series #12," Blood Lotus Cathedral. You became a Link-world, not headspace.

And you were left empty and devoid of all identity, remember?

I liked that!

Did you really.

You were happy! You were still anchored but not to my stupid downstairs life. I--

Hold up, there's that point again.

What, downstairs? It's true! I can't seem to juggle that and this! Downstairs I can type IF I don't have an identity on any other level! When headspace exists, boom, suddenly I have a self somewhere, and the Links can't get through that somehow! I'm always in my own way. It's been happening since 2003, when I used to visit Ryou and Marik, I knew something was wrong because I was becoming a person when I was around them-- they called me by name and no one had ever done that before. It was so weird at first, having these kids who insisted they loved me "for me," and then Chaos showed up and everything went to hell--

Quite the opposite, really.

Laurie, do you understand what I'm telling you?

I understand that you've got a real serious problem, kid. You want to exist as an unimportant speck in reality, without any role in the world beyond channeling another world that means everything to you despite that. You want to exist solely as an artist. You don't want a name, or a face, or a home, or a self. You want to "fulfill your purpose," and then die. Kid, did you ever think that maybe your purpose is a whole heck of a lot bigger than that??

You and boss keep telling me that, yeah.

Do you believe it yet?

No. I can't comprehend it yet.

...Geez, kid. What the heck will it take?

I don't know.

Infi, you got any thoughts on this?

Not really.

No? Seriously?

"Importance" isn't a word I'm familiar with in that sense. I'm new to existence. I'm here to do what I was created to do, that is all.

And what's that?

What I'm created to do?

Yeah. S'far as I'm aware, you were forcibly yanked out of Jewel's ribcage a few days ago, and then stuck in a bubble. Speaking of, is that where we are right now?

Yeah. Infi can't leave it.

Then how the blood did I get in here?

I called you in.

No, I mean-- I warped to you, sure, but isn't this location locked out?

Not necessarily. I mean, I don't think--

I let you in. It's okay, I know you're not a threat.

Good. So I'm allowed in here whenever I want?

If you wish.

Cool. I want to get to know you better, you're an interesting fellow. Anyway. Jewel. Where were we?

Purposes.

And how yours is bigger than you realize.

Better question. What's yours?

Protecting you.

That's it?

Well, you and everyone else up here, but mostly you. For some reason, I've been utterly bloody convinced of your importance to the System as a whole since I first showed up in this world. So yeah, you're my number one priority. Infi, I think your role revolves around him too.

Of course. He is me, and I am him, technically.

Elaborate on that, please? That's really freaking weird.

Yeah, do you even count as a headvoice?

The heck are you asking? Don't you know?

Well, not quite? Headvoices just "appear." They manifest when a fitting energy anchor for their slot is created, and enough of it gathers for them to manifest. I have no control over it, no say in it. But Infi was forced to manifest. The Tar freaking tore him right out of me, you know that.

Sounds like he's in a class of his own, then.

Yeah. But he is tied to me, I know that.

Of course. Our energy mirrors each other.

So I've noticed.

And I've heard you're trying to clear his out?

There is a lot of Tar stuck in him. It's gathered over the years, I think. I don't yet understand why it keeps coming back.

There must be a direct feed.

That makes sense-- wait, do you think it's Razor??

What do you mean?

Come on, you were just asking me about that yesterday, whether or not she fit the Red slot in your absence, what with how the Tar's always messing with your old color. What if she does?

Black and White are tied to Red, so she might.

See? Maybe that's what's causing you to keep falling back into it. Infi, how does that affect you? Are you affected by it?

Not exactly. See, I am the Black slot. Not Tar. Any energy it tries to infect me with can simply be converted. I eat it.

You eat it.

I eat it, or I destroy it. Either way, I keep the energy clear, in this bubble.

Are you supposed to move down into the Tar Room when that villain gets the heck out of there, or what?

Possibly. I think there's a certain Basilica that's more suited for me, though.

...Oh.

Yeah, where the heck was that, even? Below the Tar Room, right?

Yes.

Is it supposed to be black?

Yes.

Huh. So what the heck is the Tar Room, then? A glitch?

Possibly. I wouldn't know. Jewel, that's a question you need to answer.

You're coming through much more clearly now, just wanted to say that.

Good. Do you know?

No. But maybe it is a glitch. I first saw the room in 2011, the day after the "soft reset," and the room just appeared so maybe it manifested spontaneously... I'm just wondering why the whole "red lights" incident felt so true, if I'm supposed to be White.

Wait. Hold on.

What?

That's it. Red is your downstairs color. White is your upstairs color. Does that make sense?

Intellectually, maybe, but how the heck does that work??

I don't bloody know! Infi, do you know?

No, but it is an interesting thought.

Also, can I just say you look creepy as heck with all those mouth-wings.

It's much easier to talk this way.

Heheh, I figured. Looks good though.

Okay guys, wait a second again.

What?

That old entry. "Tar and Glass." Sound relevant yet?

Holy swords, we're in a glass bubble right now, aren't we?

Indeed we are.

Keep going kid, what else?

Well, first, you know how I said the Tar Room "spontaneously appeared?"

Yeah.

Remember how headspace looked before Central was a real thing? It was all white, featureless, and unformed, remember?

...Shoot. So you're saying that Tar is hijacking unformed headspace?

It could be. It could honestly be using that raw White energy as an anchor to keep it "floating" between the real Black slot location, which is Infi's territory, and the real White slot location, which is the Lotus Cathedral.

No Blood?

I'm not sure. Remember it only held that old name because of the Razor Spire.

Oh man. Kid, I think you are seriously on to something, this is boss.

Isn't it? Thanks Infi, for the inspiration to look this stuff up.

You're welcome.

You seem amused.

I am.

But that would explain why I keep getting hacked! If the Tar can't exist without White energy-- which it HAS admitted to the letter in the past-- then...

Then I need to take its place.

Yeah. That's kind of our only option, I think.

We need to kill the Tar first, though. I don't think it's going to leave quietly under any circumstances.

It doesn't die, we've tried. Can't we transmute it?

What, into Infi's energy?

Into anything non-corrosive. Maybe we can... iridize it.

Oh, come on, no injokes on serious topics.

Hey, you should at least be glad I'm trying to lighten up!

I am! But see, kid, this is what I'm talking about. When you're utterly immersed in this, our upstairs world, you're happy. You're even blissful on your best days. The heck is causing the disconnect between here and there? Downstairs, I mean.

I'm not sure. Maybe it's just the bane of the physical. Stuff doesn't match up. It should though. There's gotta be a way.

...Hold up.

Again?

Again. Maybe that's why it's important for you to be the Apprentice.

...You think?

Sheesh, boss specifically said that's anchored downstairs, didn't he? I mean, really, you can't even legit move into the role until your physical body dies, that is unless meatspace changes its inherent makeup sometime soon.

Yeah. Dude that does make sense. It would also explain the red robes, hey!!

Exactly!

Doesn't red mean life in that world, too?

I dunno, that's your pool of knowledge, not mine.

I thought you had free reign to rifle through all my memories whenever you wanted, love?

I do, but that stuff is data. Some of it is stored in locations that even my sleuthing abilities can't find out.

Really?

Yeah. Maybe it's outspaced, who knows.

Could be.

Either way, here's the list.

Good old Scherzando!

Okay, so Red is Destiny in Oneircia, that's cool. It's a lesser form of Creation in Parnassus, too.

Really? How so?

Well, Parnassus is still blurry, but I think Blue there is creation of life, and Red is creation of matter.

Ah. Which ties right in to you and headspace anyway, so.

Yeah. Oh, and it's Life magic in Puppetstrings too.

What is it in Rosewindow?

Uh... it's listed as Honor, Respect, and Compassion there.

That's interesting.

Yeah. But this is an older file, too... seeing how, lately, I've seen more of that world, I think I can say with confidence that Red is Life there too, at least on some level.

Is Violet Death?

Probably. Death, Change, Transition, stuff like that.

Sweet.

But what is Red, here?

...

Sounds like it's Life here, too.

It's... Red here has always struck me as the anchor point. Probably because of me. But it's... what does it feel like... fire.

Fire?

Yeah. Condensed potential? Heat, maybe. A sense of preparation. It's odd.

Maybe it's not an "anchor" so much as it's a grounding point for the other colors?

Maybe.

Red is considered to be the first color seen by mankind.

The first piece of the Spectrum after Black and White, there you go!

Huh. Could it be that simple?

Maybe. You make things far too complex, kid. Now what's this "prism" thing?

What?

In your entry last night. You said prisms are important. What's that about?

Geez, do you read everything I write?

Yes. I am your personal professional stalker. Now spill.

Okay, haha. It's also part of the "iridize" injoke from earlier.

I know, go on.

Well, both the White and Black slots are supposed to be iridescent by nature. Prismatic, even.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I kind of noticed that rainbow sheen going on with you. Infi doesn't seem to have it though, what's with that?

I cannot, yet. Not until the Tar is moved out completely.

Ah. So what's your deal for now?

Stars. The quiet of space.

Looks good. That's soul form stuff right there, isn't it?

Exactly. Much more muted, though. It's the basic energy, not the actual phenomenon.

Geez, you guys are more important than I realized.

There's that word again.

You seem less upset about it than you were earlier, though.

I am, actually. It's a stupid paradox. I'm willing to be important if the importance doesn't involve me?

Explain? How does that apply to this directly?

Well, you mentioned soul forms. Anyone can achieve one if they can anchor into this energy. I don't mind being the reason why that energy is up here, if that is indeed true, as long as that energy is not "me," or inherently tied to me in order to exist.

I see.

Yeah. Being a rallying point is fine, but I don't want to be the one getting the attention.

You want to be a channel is all.

Yes!

Could've guessed that one, it's the oldest one in the book. So you'd prefer if people go running for water, but don't think of the faucet.

Basically.

Even if you're in the middle of a bleeding desert.

Hey, at least the people are getting water, I don't think they care where it comes from.

And that's what you want?

Yeah. I want to be importantly unimportant, if my personal significance cannot be changed?

I got it, yeah. So you've told your boss about this?

Essentially. Ironically I don't think he has a problem with it. Sandmen are incredibly important in the Rosewindow worlds, after all, but they typically work behind the scenes. Which I'm totally okay with. They travel through time and space but they might not keep the same face, or form, or anything. They don't even have names, just titles. They're ever-changing dream wanderers, existing for the good of the all, and massively important to existence somehow, even if no one knows about them.

Sounds like your ideal job.

Haha, it kind of does, looking back on it.

But that does not tie into your downstairs life yet, does it?

No. Not literally. I still have to do "daily life" stuff yet.

You just don't like taking care of a body is what it is, I think.

Maybe! That is something I have a lot of trouble with in any case. I just don't like having a static form, especially not one that everyone else has pieced together on a whim. I don't like having one name, and one face, and one life. It makes me feel trapped.

Which is why you love headspace. And Link-worlds, too.

Exactly. I can be anything up here. I can be nothing, and I can be everything! I can completely tune myself out and watch for hours if I want. That makes me so happy. That's all I want.

Well, your boss sounds like he's trying to do that for you.

Probably. I really do love him though. I don't treat him anywhere near as well as I should.

Are you kidding? You treat the man like gold!

I'm always late for work and my selfish attempts at suicide have nearly cost him his life several times already. I'm probably just a pain in the neck for him at this point.

And yet he specifically said you're the exact opposite of a disappointment.

...He did.

Kid, you used to do this with Marik all the time too, remember? Whenever there's someone upstairs who you feel is being left out, specifically by you, you go way out of your way to make them feel loved and appreciated.

No I don't.

You don't go as far as you'd like, no, because you're not capable. You only have so much time and space to give. But the intention and effort are not lost, even if you don't "do" anything outwardly. That stuff echoes. We all know you love us more than you'd ever dare admit to yourself.

I can't feel anything lately.

It would likely crush you if you could.

...

It is being blocked, either way.

I know.

Is that because of the old blocks?

Partly. We're in the process of moving those out, though.

So I heard, wink nudge cough.

Laurie, shut up.

Heheh. Gotta tease you about your weird life sometime, kid.

True.

But the Red channel is what we should be concerned about now, if that is true.

Yeah, I need to go back and review the entry I mentioned earlier.

You mind doing that now?

What? Now?

Yeah. Go review it, and then we can talk about it here. Sound good, Infi?

The sooner we can solve this the better, so yes.

Aiite, cool. Jewel, go read.

Give me a second... okay, first off, when the Tar was still young, it acted more like an "antihero" than a flat-out villain. It was always trying to "make me learn" by example.

By demonstrating to you what you were not, right? Yeah, I remember that. When'd it all go downhill?

When the Celebi stuff started happening, I think? That was barely two months later, so it was fast.

Makes sense.

...Infi, that's not what you're supposed to be like, is it?

No... I don't think so.

You mean you aren't even sure??

No. I think the Tar is supposed to be Jewel's shadow. He is white, and that is his offset.

Not you?

I am him. I'm the positive side of that void.

Like what Ryou told me during our 4th incident!

Seriously?

Yeah!! Well, wordlessly maybe. But the truth sticks to him. It's how you "need the darkness for the stars to shine." He's a Paladin of Void upstairs, a divine spellcaster that uses shadow as its holy weapon. That's pretty important.

Holy swords, it really is.

Geez there's so much I need to review from last winter in my entry logs. LOTS of relevance that I didn't have the knowledge to see before. This is big.

We can do that later today, kid. Right now we're two hours into a session and I really don't want to take up your whole morning with this stuff.

Gotta go play Nier while the house is quiet, right?

Heck yes, Xennie's been asking me why you don't play that more often.

She has?

Yeah, she loves that game just as much as you do!

Oh-- dude you just reminded me. You know how her middle name is Yonah?

Yeah, cracked me up when I found out. That's adorable.

Maybe, but uh... you know. Shades and stuff.

Oh. Oh. Geez, how did I not catch that?? And she looks like Infi, a little! Is that tied together too?

Probably.

Holy flaming swords, I knew that had to be important.

Haha, I told you things move fast in headspace!

You're preaching to the choir, kid! Now what else is in that entry? I'm curious now.

Well, it kept pointing out how I needed "offsets" or dichotomies to understand truths about life?

Like what?

Like only knowing that I am "of the Light" through knowing the truth about the Dark? It's hard to put into words... it's the principle of not truly understanding true joy unless you've known the deepest sorrow.

Makes sense. And that's what it said to you at first?

Yeah, that was literally my first impression of it.

How the heck did it get so violent so fast?

Let me keep reading... dude, it attacked you as soon as you walked in!

Yeah, that's why I'm bloody asking! Why the sudden switch?

It sees you as a threat.

To?

To its existence. As a protector, you are sworn to eliminating all darkness of that sort in the system. In order for Tar to survive, it needs that darkness to exist. Your existence, therefore, stands in direct opposition to it.

...Shoot, so does that mean that it's tied to Red but opposed to Violet?

Maybe.

Where the heck does Pink come in, then?

Pink is an extra slot, isn't it?

I don't quite understand Pink, yet. That's something you and I need to look into more.

Yeah.

Wasn't it technically a "splinter" of Red back when you were a kid? An alternate base slot, maybe?

Maybe! Dude that kind of makes sense.

Huh. It's interesting, is what it is. Keep reading. What else did you write about that stuff, before Leon yanked us out?

Chaos showed up.

Yeah, forgot you didn't mention that.

Both of you were freaking out though.

Well, obviously! I'd never seen anything like that before, and it felt really bleeding ominous!

Oh-- oh dude, when we blasted it with that triple-energy attack, which was white, it suddenly warped the space into a church??? Infi is that where we went on the-- don't smile at me like that, okay, that's a yes.

I was simply using the same energy.

So the Tar Room is supposed to be a church??

No, White energy naturally coalesces into church-like structures when it is forced to solidify, thanks to Jewel's energy being tied to it. Cathedrals, Basilicas, Churches.

Sacred places.

Yes.

Huh. Wonder if that holds any extra relevance with Leon, with how he can jump to them.

Question. Is he jumping, or is he forming pocket mindscapes TO jump to?

...Dude I don't actually know. I don't think he knows.

He says it's random. Seeing as how those places are usually inaccessible otherwise, it sounds to me like there's instantaneous structuring of raw headspace going on.

Dude. Wow. I admire that guy even more now.

Heheheh!

So that gives more proof to the Tar Room being malformed raw headspace.

Exactly. We're making progress!

Awesome. Anything else relevant to today's discussion in there?

Let me see... oh! The swords!

Heck yes, the swords.

I have those too.

Yeah, you showed us earlier, scared the bleeding life out of me. Why the heck are they so big, are you pulling an Ichigo Kurosaki on us?

They pressurize when he shrinks them.

I must use Black energy to form mine. That energy is very unstable in headspace right now.

Ah, okay. So Jewel's swords use White energy?

That's why they're crystalline, yeah.

Why the heck does Chaos have one too, then? Is that just because he's tied to you?

Maybe? Infi, what do you think?

Definitely.

Well that was an awfully sure answer, haha.

Chaos is very closely tied to Jewel's energy. So are many of the other midspacers. This is because they used his energy to anchor into this system.

True.

Laurie, I don't think you even considered that part.

Not the second half, no.

You're such a tease.

Someone's gotta do it, kid.

Oh yeah, and then I stored the sword in my chest. Like I usually do.

Do you have literal hammerspace in there, or what? Because I swear, kid, you hit like a truck.

So you understand what Chaos means when he says that now!

No kidding, that's why it took me ages to put my walls all the way down around you, mister levity!

Infi, would you have gravity stuff too?

Possibly. I've never checked.

Yeah, dude's only a few days old.

April 3rd happened an eternity ago, I swear.

What can I say, time is infamously weird up here.

But yes. Chest-swords.

What about them?

Well, space is pretty darn weird up here, too.

You're like... dating both those concepts too. Somehow.

It's inevitable. I like weird things. What does that say about you.

I am going to kill you.

Hahaha!

You two are great.

Good to hear. You two are, uh, pretty great too.

Shut up Laurie, and stop laughing.

No, I'm serious! I don't know what the heck's going on with this self-split stuff in here, but whatever you're doing, it's cool. Just keep brightening up my boy here, and I don't care what you two do.

Are you poking fun at me, Laurie?

Yeah, haha, and that grin is super creepy.

I could just stare, if you want.

Okay, no, the eyes are worse.

Hehe.

Guys, one last thing in this entry.

What?

The whole thing about how to "defeat" the Tar, or not.

Can you quote it?

Sure. "We couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all."

Sounds legit.

So love is the answer, yet again. Thanks, Todd Rundgren!

Yet again, my incessantly teasing you about these topics has relevance.

Ahaha.

No, I'm serious.

We don't have to use that process anymore, if the blocks are cleared sufficiently enough.

Are they, do you know?

They should be, but I think it keeps moving back in, as I said.

Shoot. All right then, that's our number once concern: stopping the freaking floodgate that is letting the Tar slip right back in here.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Really? Even if you agree with it? I'd think that's what's letting it in.

No, Laurie, listen... I... I might not understand it very well, what with how traumatic my past has been concerning all this energy and all, but... last night, talking to Infinitii, we were discussing how Black and White energy is passive and active in terms of creation, respectively; right?

Wait, what? How did I not hear about this?

You didn't hear about it?

No! Fill me in kid, come on.

Okay. So White energy is active creation energy. When used by a person, like with raw headspace, it allows for direct conscious creation through it. Black energy, though-- the stuff of soul forms-- is passive, which is fascinating. Passive creation means that Black simply allows creation to happen through itself. You can't actively control how it manifests. You just intend for creation to happen, and it does the rest.

Is that why the Tar is so manic? Because it can't really control how its own energy manifests?

Probably? It's an interesting thought.

Yeah, no kidding. Wait, Infi, what about you?

Jewel saw me when I was first manifesting, he can attest to that.

Ah, yeah, you were all over the place!

And my current form only manifested because it occurred through you.

Elaborate on that?

I am formed of Black energy, but I was specifically taken from Jewel in order to manifest. When forced to take a form, I had no control over the matter. My native energy allowed a form to manifest based on passive potential within Jewel.

Aha, that makes sense! So Black energy runs on potential, so to speak?

Yes, I suppose that's a clear way to put it.

And White is more specific? Narrowing down of potential, rather.

Yeah, sounds like it.

Cool. This is good, I'm learning a lot of important things today.

Haha, I almost said "Professor Spinny at your service," but that name's not mine anymore.

Not unless we're talking vortexes, which could work. But let's go back to the name thing, that was never answered. What's wrong with "Jewel" that it doesn't fit anymore?

Besides the obvious "that life was scratched" bit? Well, the title was given to my old persona after all.

So its connection to that has lingered.

I guess? The colors are all wrong, yeah.

Huh. And "Jay" is better?

It's just "J," not Jay. At least not correctly. "Jayce" still fits, oddly. It has the right color.

What's this with you and colors lately, too? Are you becoming synaesthetic or what?

A bit, if I tune into it!

Explain the name colors then.

"Jewel" is pinks, purples, and reds. Very old-school energy.

Ah, yeah, I get that. Pre-headspace.

Precisely! "Jayce" is silvery though, and specifically it has an almost ice-like "crackle" to it? I can't find the right word to describe the sound.

That name probably fits because it was bestowed specifically upon your White energy in the past.

Yeah.

So what's "Jay?" I know you use that downstairs now.

I can't quite catch that color clearly? The "y" throws me off though, that's what doesn't fit. "Y" is light yellow, I think. It's a thin, slanted vowel. "V" is purple, as it buzzes.

How about Z? That buzzes too.

Z is cool, I think it's silvery red?

That's oddly specific.

At least, the sound is. The letter itself is dark.

You and your weird sensory stuff. So what are we doing with your name, then? Are we sticking with J?

I don't know? I've actually been debating "Gem" as a rename. And "Katharos" kept coming up before, although that's more of a surname, and it feels VERY Greek which is distracting. Maybe it's Parnassian, and not a headspace name.

God only knows with you, kid.

Weirdly, though, that "gemmacorde" screenname I was using temporarily has the right vibe? Maybe as more of a title than a name, but it fits.

I can see why.

But yeah, "Jewel" can stay for now, as I can't exactly toss out the title I got from Dream World without discussing it with them first. I wonder how to do that now...

You know what, maybe that's why you're having trouble writing the story anymore. Didn't you effectively chop yourself the heck out of their timeline?

...Kind of?

You shouldn't have done that, Jewel.

What-- is that irreversible? Did it screw something up big time?

Almost.

Almost? How the heck do you know?

I can tell. Also your boss is telling me, quietly.

Sandman? Where the heck is he?

Outside.

I think he wants to come in.

Well, let him in!

Oh my, this is small. Hello, child!

Sorry about the bubblespace, we're kind of confined to this area for now.

That's fine, that's fine. I don't mind a bit. Now, child, I apologize for interrupting, but I've been looking for you and I seem to have happened upon an opportune time in the conversation to drop in.

Yeah, spot-on luck as always, boss. What'cha looking for the kid for?

To tell him about this very topic, apparently. Jewel's thought-waves reach me sometimes, and if I feel I can contribute to his understanding, I will stop by and let him know.

You're not busy?

Time is a strange thing where I come from, Laurie my dear.

Yeah, I guess so.

So, child, I am here to tell you about the Red color you mentioned previously?

Yeah, we were wondering what its role was here.

Well, you pretty much have it right! I did tell you the other day, child, that my role and Death's are indeed intertwined. I act as a protector to lives, he acts as a protector to deaths.

How so?

I ensure the continuation of current lives. He ensures the continuation of new lives.

A messenger across the River Styx.

Not quite. He prefers the "Angel of Death" archetype.

So a holy guide, then.

Quite.

And you're the same for the living?

If I may be so bold, yes.

Huh. Sounds fitting to me.

And child, that is part of why you must not die. Life is a treasure, and you must learn to value your own as well.

That's awfully deep for such an obvious and simple truth.

Sometimes the most obvious and simple truths are the deepest, child.

Hm.

Question, while I'm thinking of it.

Yes?

No, for Jewel. Or Infi, whoever the heck knows. Where the blood is this bubble when Jewel is inside it, since he's obviously not wearing it right now?

It moves into floating space. Precisely, here.

...Holy swords that is some seriously freaky stuff right there.

Haha!

Ah, a recursive reality! I do like these.

Sandman, what the heck.

Laurie, when you have seen as many things as I, you learn to appreciate even the strangest.

The darkest, too, I would assume.

Yes, child. Even the darkest. Nightmares are only fallen dreams, you know.

So. We're inside a bubble, inside of a bubble, inside of a freaking bubble, forever and ever amen.

That is why I am named Infinitii, Laurie.

Oh don't you even go there, my head hurts enough already without stupid Lightraye puns.

Is that really why that name clicked for you?

Quite likely, at least partially. Infinite potential, for the black energy, and for the recursive bubble. But "Eternos," that is for neverending cycles of life and death. Black and White, you and me, everything.

I like that.

And then there are two "I's."

Obviously!

The puns, they hurt.

Perhaps you have a similar name, Jewel?

I think "Jewel" fits pretty well with his prismatic thing.

It does, but perhaps he has a better, truer name, is what I'm saying.

He might.

Boss, you had a name once, right?

I did, child.

...It... does it matter to you now, or anyone? Or are you just Mr. Sandman?

I am simply Mr. Sandman now, child. After all, for a traveler of worlds such as myself, having one name only to adhere to would be quite limiting!

That's what I said!

Oh, were you discussing this?

Yeah, kid says he hates having only one name, face, et cetera. I said then it sounds like you're set up for your dream job already with the boss there. Pun intended, why not!

Haha, yes, that is also why he was chosen to be my Apprentice!

Geez, how many criteria are there?

As many as I wish to have. However, there are several rules for taking on the role of a Sandman. Once those are met, then my preferences or partialities simply come into play.

Which are?

Not many, Laurie.

Such as...?

Hm, well he did know Unisalia from a young age.

Yeah, how the heck did that come about?

Interworld connections, actually. The individual who bestowed Unisalia's anchor upon him in his downstairs world was linked to an individual in the same realm that ultimately brought Jewel to me.

Rosewindow, I assume?

Yes. Sister Rosemary Symphora. I do believe you met one of her friends during your dream travels, child?

Who, Clarice??

M-hm.

Dude, how the heck many people does he know?

Quite a few! He's been rather blessed since his childhood, and of course his connections to the Dream World have helped immensely on all fronts.

Then of course we have weird time shenanigans going on up here, as we also mentioned earlier, which ties back into way too many other worlds...

That's to be expected, yes!

Hey, boss?

Yes child?

What are your thoughts on... on Infi?

He is a part of you, isn't he?

Yeah. But the Tar ripped him out of me. It just reached into my ribs, grabbed hold, and... pulled. It hurt like hell, boss.

I would imagine so.

And I know stuff like this always justifies itself eventually-- I mean, Infinitii is part of this system and needed to manifest-- but the cause strikes me as unusual. Bizarre, even. Did the Tar even know that that would happen?

Not specifically, I wouldn't think, but perhaps that was a gamble it was willing to take.

True, but... the heck was it trying to accomplish? Oh!!

Oh?

It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red.

Ah...

You see what I mean?

Yes.

That ties right into the bloody Razor theory we were tossing around earlier!

Razor? But she isn't in the Red slot, is she?

She's below it, in a freaking nonexistent slot.

Oh. I see.

Yeah. Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.

Wikipedia's color list says Cerise.

'Kay then, Cerise. Cool. But the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything, along with possibly you, Sandman?

With me?

Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you were part of the system or not. If you were, Gray is technically an outspacer slot, so...

Oh, child, I'm not sure if I could fill such a role.

Why not? Just curious.

Those are rather big shoes to fill.

Boss, sweetheart, if anyone's got shoes big enough to fit that spot it's you. Even though you don't wear any.

Still, child. I would not want to interfere.

With?

With the natural order of your system.

Outspacers have to go through you to anchor in here, kid, remember.

Yeah, but... is that... what color energy does that use?

Black.

Oh.

Hence the soul forms, you know.

Uncontrollable potential. I can't touch that.

I can.

You can?

Yes. At least, I can maneuver it well. If you would like to be part of the system, I may be able to bend the gateways allowing for that to happen.

"Bend the gateways?"

I can allow for an anchor to occur without a traditional Link gate.

Ah, okay.

Still, child, I don't know if I should...

I'm not forcing you, boss. I know you're busy, you have a huge role outside of here, but---

...

Boss?

I'm sorry, child. I love you, but I don't want to make this worse for you.

How would you make it worse?

Would not Gray fit between you and Infinitii? Child, I cannot disrupt that balance.

I see. You have a point.

So there's no Gray slot? Strikes me as pretty freakin' weird.

...Child.

Yeah?

In the future, if... if there is ever an occasion where there is unmistakably an open position for me to fill in this Spectrum, I would be honored to fill it.

But not now?

Not now, child. I'm not ready for such a role.

Boss, if you don't want to, you don't--

I do want to, child, that's the problem. Perhaps I want to too much.

How so?

I cannot juggle an anchored spot in this system and my role as a free-flying Sandman at once, Laurie!

Oh.

...Oh, no, wait, don't tell me it has to happen that way.

What way? ...Oh! No, no child, I promise that's not what I was suggesting. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm just a little shaken up after that.

I know. I know. It's okay.

...

Hey, uh, you guys got any room for me over there?

Always, Laurie, come on.

Thanks. I kind of need a group hug right about now. Infi, you're in if you want.

I think I'll just experience this vicariously through Jewel.

Very funny.

Hey.

Yes Laurie?

Death doesn't need an Apprentice, right?

Laurie!! You can't do that!

Why the heck not?? If you're going to die and move on to bigger things one day, then so help me God, I want to be with you. I'm dead serious, boss, didn't mean that as a pun either but that happens when you're around Jewel. Keep me in mind.

I will, Laurie.

You will?

Of course. I will mention it to my brother, in all seriousness. Perhaps, even if he cannot take you on as an Apprentice, he can help you in some other way.

With not dying once this kid signs out for good?

Child, I doubt that would be the end of your existence in any case!

I'm not so sure sometimes, bossman. Also nice job making me feel my actual age, sheesh.

Haha.

Laurie...

Yeah, kid?

...If I have it in my power at all, I won't let you die once I leave.

Kid, that's not the point. Point is, I don't want to live without you.

Isn't that getting too attached?

No. It's recognizing when you bloody need someone in your life. In all of 'em, even.

...How can you be so sure?

Just believing what my heart's telling me, kid. Like you believe yours, standing right over there, apparently.

Hello.

That's, uh... that's a really good point, actually. Thank you.

For which part?

...Both of them. You and Infi by proxy. Just... both of you, really. And you, too, Boss, I... I know you'd return the sentiment the same as they do.

Of course I would, dear child. Your existence is a treasure in my life as well. You should treasure it in turn.

Heh, well said. 

So, um...

Getting too close for comfort, eh?

Haha, no way, I love you all immensely. I just want to know what else we need to talk about before I start closing this up. It's 1PM you know.

Sheesh, it is?

Time flies when you're having fun, Laurie!

Yeah, I guess so! Geez, uh, I'm actually not sure if there were any pressing matters we needed to attend to yet. Infi?

Yes, Laurie?

You got any topics you wanna discuss before we start closing this thing up?

I cannot say I do. From what I recall, Jewel was going to make a list for our next session?

Oh yeah, with reviewing last year. That's a good idea.

Hey, um... sorry about the record scratch.

You freakin' serious?

Yeah. I know that's what you were mad about when you came in here.

Jewel, I was mad about you having been slowly falling apart since February 24th.

Because of the scratch.

I think she forgives you, child.

Of course I bloody forgive him, how could I hold that against him?? He's had one heck of a life so far, it's understandable to want to cash in the last paycheck and hit the road once in a while.

That's the best idiom for death I've ever heard.

That was quite original, yes.

Shut up, it's true. S'why I brought this back, too.

...

Ah yes, your scar...

You remember this too, see? It's important. I wanted to die just as bad as you did back in Feb. And I would have, too, if you didn't save me.

...

You understand now, kid? What that means to me now? Looking back, yeah, I was kind of furious that you wouldn't let me die either. I saw no point in going on. But despite everything, you wouldn't let me give up, and that look in your eyes when you thought you had lost me was the most heartbreaking thing I've seen in my entire life. And I've seen a lot, kid.

I know.

So I owed you one. Maybe I wasn't the one to save you this time. That was your boss, sure, a round of applause for him, but seriously... well, heck, I owe him one too now, but...

I'm sure I'll call you in on that favor one day, Laurie.

Yeah, and I'm honestly lookin' forward to it. But really, Jewel, I owe you one for saving me. You remember what I said last December, right?

I remember what you said on the night with the Christmas lights, too.

Yeah. Heh, different take on the same truth, but good catch.

Things like that are worth living for.

Things like you are worth living for.

Laurie, please, don't...

Don't what? Don't remind you how important you are? Well how's this for a quote? "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." No idea who said it, and it's cheesy as heck, but it gets the point across.

...You really do love me as much as Chaos does, don't you?

No kidding, kid, I could've sworn I'd proven that point to you already!

She has a point, child.

You too, boss, I swear...

Yes?

You... you and Laurie, and Chaos, and my daughter. No matter how many times I try to off myself, or take a magnet to the tape, or erase everything, I can't erase any of you. And I've tried, God forgive me but I've tried. And I am so sorry. I love you so much, every one of you. Genesis too, geez, he's got a different role but he never gives up on me either...

You've got a lot of people looking out for you, kid.

Yeah, but the motivation is what gets me.

Love.

The only thing that can stop the Tar.

...

Geez, he's right.

I do believe that's a good point to close up on, child?

Sounds like it, yeah.

And you two are still cuddled up in the corner there.

I'm allowed to hug my Apprentice.

Yeah, it's just adorable.

She's jealous.

I am not.

I'm just teasing you, love.

Yeah, heh, I guess someone's gotta do that too.

So. French leave?

Perhaps I will. I did appear rather unexpectedly, after all, my departure should be similar.

Yeah, we're all pretty used to you randomly showing up and leaving the way it is.

True! So, child?

Yes boss?

Do smile more, promise me that. You look so much better with a smile.

Heh, I guess I do. Thanks.

I've been trying to tell him that.

I'm sure he heard. Sometimes it just takes a little extra push to really sink in, though.

I hear you.

Infi?

Yes?

It was a pleasure to meet you, even if our first encounter has been rather... informal.

I'm used to it. Structure is his thing, not mine.

He's the one with infinite bubbles.

Ah, but so are you, child. *doffs nightcap* Farewell!

That was not a freaking French leave, that little sneak, throwing parting paradoxes at us.

He's taller than you.

Hey, I had to find a nicer insult there. It feels really bloody weird to say anything rough around your boss, believe it or not.

He's too nice to even get pretend angry with.

Yeah, he is. So. We done?

With the session?

Duh, I don't see us doing anything else, do you?

Haha, no, sorry. Plus it is getting late.

Exactly.

This was nice, though. I think I'd like to have one of these once a week again, now that I'm sure I can still have them.

Good idea. We picking a specific day or what?

Uh, Thursdays maybe? Wednesday evenings?

Either one is fine.

How about both, just in case we can't make one time?

Sounds good to me. And no Monday nights because of therapy, I assume?

Well, no late Monday nights because of therapy, but having sessions on Monday-- like today-- might actually help my therapy quite a bit.

I thought so, yeah. Infi, you cool with that?

As cool as I can be.

Awesome. Guess that's it, then.

Five hours! That's about average.

Haha, man, this really took five hours?

Pretty much. Gonna be more once I'm done editing it.

That's hilarious. Good use of a morning though.

Good use of a bonus day off, you mean! Class was cancelled for today, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

See, now that's what we mean by "everything happens for a reason." The universe just decided "you know what, forget English class, Jewel needs to talk to Laurie." And so it was.

Haha!

Now, seriously, how the heck do we get out of this bubble?

Be polite and ask.

Ooh, sassmaster over here.

Heheh.

He gets it from you.

Everyone gets everything from me.

Perhaps that is relevant too!

What, the injoke?

The fact that everything we "joke" about always ends up having some bigger relevance down the line. And that's one heck of a big implication already.

Well, with what the White color is supposed to be and do, it makes sense...

Yeah, which isn't a big surprise.

Plus the whole Link phenomenon goes without saying.

We've gotta figure out a way to have outspacers visit without latching onto the system, because that was getting weird as hell.

The empty slots are acting like magnets.

Are they?

The Spectrum naturally wants to complete itself.

Makes sense.

Explains my obsessive searching for people who fit, too.

Yeah, you've gotta stop that. No controlling things, remember? Especially not where midslots are concerned. That's not your line of expertise.

We leave that up to you then, Infi?

You could. I won't be trying to order people around either, though.

Good! That's good to hear. People need to chill out and just let things happen up here, not naming any names.

Sure you aren't. But I agree.

Also, holy swords, that was a beautiful piano chord. What are you listening to?

improvisation no110 by Kyle Landry, a god among pianists. "Unchained."

Fitting title.

It is.

No, I mean for the session, too.

Oh! Good idea. That is kind of what we're doing, after all... taking off chains and shackles.

You're gonna fly free as a bird one day, kid, I'm telling you.

It would be nice, honestly.

No, I'm serious. That's actually one of the things I want most in this world, is for you to no longer be tied down by all this darkness I've been hunting down for years. I mean, I don't mind protecting you, I wouldn't give up this job for the world, but... it would be nice to know that, maybe, there's nothing after you for once.

Yeah.

We're getting there.

Cross my heart we are, Infi. Now are we actually going to close this up, or are we going to continue our usual pattern of unending conclusive dialogue?

Well, you could just ask Infi to pop us back out into Central, and we'd be good.

Good idea. Yo, sir eyeball-teeth, care to free us from this spherical headtrip so J can get on with his work?

He's giggling.

I'm beginning to appreciate your sense of humor.

Good, 'cause I ain't changing it to fit your style, you freak of nature.

Says the headvoice to the conglomerate.

See, you're a man of sass, I'm a man of swears.

I love how you never know what gender noun to use for yourself.

Dude, none of us in this room do, we all default to the male because it's at least bloody closer!

That's why I'm laughing!

Okay, really, enough of the bubblespace. Can we please exit this Bosch fever dream and go back to nice, normal headspace?

Okay, now that was funny.

Seriously, when the heck has headspace ever been nice and normal?

Since now, apparently. Guess it depends on your definition though.

Laurie.

Yeah?

I noticed you mentioned a "french leave" back there somewhere...

Oh no you flipping don't---

Ahahaha!

Agh. Talk about a rough landing, sheesh.

Hey, at least we're out.

Where the blood is that little trickster?

Right here.

Can he see us?

Maybe. It's funny to think.

*flips him off*

Laurie, haha, come on!

Hey, he knows it's all in good fun now.

Yeah. I imagine it'd be really difficult to offend him in any case.

Probably. Keep that one point in mind, though, Jewel.

What point?

That he was formed from you. Like a rib from Adam himself, for lack of a better and more fitting analogy. Anything good you say about that little nightmare of a headvoice, you better believe you're saying about yourself, too.

...Maybe that's what boss meant by the simple, obvious lessons.

Yeah. Sounds like that's something you need to learn from Infi there, and honestly I can't think of anyone better suited to teach you. Not even me.

You come really close, though.

Maybe. Can we close this thing up?

Oh geez, sorry! I forget, we just keep rambling and then it hits me that "whoa, this is still being recorded, isn't it?"

And you don't even bother to backspace, you just leave all of it up.

It's fun to look back on and read.

I imagine it would be.

Song's over, time to quit?

Sounds good to me. Oh, no, wait.

What?

What color is that chord?

Which one, the one that caught your attention before?

Yeah. Just curious if it has a color or something to your weird ol' brain.

Hm... 3:19, right?

Yeah.

...Reddish violet.

You're kidding me.

No, I'm serious! It's got the purposeful weight and the vibrant edge, that's both colors.

Haha, man, that's perfect.

Just like you, love.

Wh-- the heck, J, and you yell at me for saying things like that!

Heheh. I'm just in a good mood.

Well that's a heck of an improvement from five hours ago.

Seriously feels like five minutes ago, no lie.

Weird time shenanigans, kid. Just shrug and roll with it.

You mean, just shrug and...

Don't.

...deal with it.

That's it, that was one injoke too many, you're dead.

You can't kill what you can't catch!

I'm not gonna literally kill you, you son of a gun, get back here!

No, then this session isn't going to end!

Oh shoot, good point. Then you'd better watch your back, boy!

I can't, everything's too dark with these supercool shades on.

Ahaha, serves you right for wearing sunglasses indoors.

Don't, that's not a good reference, not for this session.

It's a good reminder.

That it is.

*swipes the shades*

Hey!

Now you can't deal with it.

*Kanye shrug* You have a point.

You rapscallion.

Pfahaha!!

Should I make it worse and say I'll leave this session after you, sir?

That would be too ironic.

Either way, we should really HURRY UP.

True, I think we've had enough injokes for today-- ow!!

That's for the sunglasses.

Yeah, I walked right into that one.

Probably because you couldn't see.

Ahaha, nice one!

Speaking of, what's this sudden dark space I see?

What dark space?

Oh, never mind, it's just the end of the freakin' entry.

Haha, point taken!
 

 

 
So I went to sleep at exactly 12AM last night, but I didn't fall asleep until 6AM. Why is this not a bad thing? Because I spent a solid 5 of those hours upstairs.
Just... no matter how many nights we have like this, somehow each successive one is even more blissful. Last night felt straight-up sacred for at least three hours. I need to write about it but I know that structured language isn't going to cut it, so I hope you kids don't mind my ridiculous stream of consciousness lists.


WIP entry, not surprisingly; posting for relevance in the meantime.


- (being with chaos; that alone took a solid hour and it was INCREDIBLE)
- (before i say anything i just want to reiterate that i love chaos so much... there was this great unconditional love moving between us last night i cannot even begin to explain what it felt like... seriously when i'm with him it's like i'm made of nothing but light. absolutely stunning.)
-
- (one of the parts that stood out the most was the starlink-- he was "showing me" through visualized emotion (hard to explain; it was like seeing his thoughts) what it felt like when we were together like that; he used "waves on the shore" to describe it twice, later i thought of this)
- (dialogue?? we did talk a lot as usual (heartfelt poet mode is the best) but as usual i don't remember exact words very well)
- ()
- another infinity loop, that was new. all red and blue too
-
- afterwards Laurie was more moved than I'd ever seen her; when I asked why, she first said that it was because she felt there was definitely something holy going on with all of this... but then explained that she was "afraid" that something like that was impossible for her to do. again I can't remember the exact words but I strongly remember the feeling... basically she had this lingering doubt concerning her own existence and position in those matters, that although she and chaos were at the same level, she didn't feel she could do anything of the same caliber. she said she couldn't handle the implied fear that she wasn't capable of something that bright. i wish i could explain it better but she was visibly torn up about it... i remember that as soon as i got up to move closer to her, her 'black hole' energy kicked in like a supermagnet again. it felt like it would tear my heart out if i resisted, but of course i wouldn't dream of it. she was starting to cry openly when i reached her and it honestly took me by surprise; that's not something she typically does, even around me. but now, she had no walls up at ALL.
- Laurie just held me and sobbed. I don't know how to describe what that felt like... the closest word is "heartbreaking," and yet there was this fragile beauty to it, because of the complete sincerity. Never in my life has she done anything like that before. seriously she was sobbing. but i loved her so much right then.
- she did kiss me at one point and i want to emphasize that it was really, really meaningful. laurie doesn't take those lightly and that one had this powerfully tangible honesty behind it, if that makes sense. it actually brought me to tears because whoa
-
- i remember the room was shifting with all this energy and we ended up back in the black lotus room? but laurie told us not to worry, saying "i think i understand what this really is now."
- she took ALL of her bandages off this time, which i was hoping for as we had discussed that earlier in the evening (which was beautiful, i need to write that down later). chaos was stunned that she wasn't covered in scars for once in her life
- (ascended form!! remember the purple spark wings)
- (we were all lying on the bed in my room for a while, projecting our 'galaxies' into the air to see how they looked; laurie's was very nebula-ish, chaos' was a spiral galaxy, mine was almost like a nerve cell or something)
- (showing laurie how to 'create' a spark in her hands? she got chaos to do the flower thing he usually does; ultimately he 'expanded' the space of our room by changing the floor to a forest floor and taking out two of the walls. laurie then mused out loud that if i tended to create structure, and chaos made nature, what could she do? she frustratedly said that yeah she could 'summon' her weapons-- and summoned a ton in midair as she did so-- but she was tired of fighting, and wanted to do something more. then she went all bankai on us and turned every weapon into a flurry of glowing flower petals, like byakuya... but then she swung her arms upwards with the energy, collecting all that, and a huge tree sprung out of the ground! she kept doing this and we were now in a forest of what looked like redwoods, but they were actually cherry blossom trees. it was stunning.
- we figured out that she wasn't 'creating' yet, but she had such a powerful ability to 'manifest outside energy' now, that she could 'summon' a tree straight out of the ground solely by recognizing the potential for one already there
- i told laurie that whenever a 'new area' like that is created in headspace, no matter how small it is, it sticks. since headspace is so fluid there are tons of little 'pockets' like that strung together out in the wilderness, it really makes for quite a beautiful world up here
-
- (celebi showed up! said she had 'felt' a huge surge of nature-based creation and wanted to see what it was)
- (we made the forest all snowy, celebi wanted at least one pine tree like in diamew (as she protects it at home), so chaos created one. she sat under it and laughed, it was great)
- celebi eventually told us she needed to leave, but before she did, she kissed me and pressed a small item into my hands, mentally telling me "merry christmas." when she left i looked at it, saw it was a glass ornament with a tiny lotus within it. it was beautiful. i then got the strong notion that i was supposed to plant it, so i knelt down and did so-- immediately it bloomed up into a huge glass christmas tree. it was stunning. the ornament re-formed on it and i realized that celebi had been putting all her new creative potential into making this since last month. this brought me to tears, i was really moved, swore i'd do something for her in thanks.
- laurie convinced me to make a garland of gold hearts and crystal drops to put around the tree, then chaos 'made' an ornament too; a blue-green ringed sphere in the shape of his symbol, but with the look of a galaxy. i said it was beautiful and thanked him; laurie said she'd make one too but she was a little off-put with her symbol still being an axe. i told her we could look into a new one if she wanted.
-
-
- I temporarily walked out of headspace and into "limbo," i.e. the grayish void between realms upstairs. Laurie followed me and asked what was up. I said I was somewhat tired and just need to gather my thoughts. All of a sudden I felt someone appear behind me, and upon turning realized it was my boss. However his demeanor struck me as off, and sure enough, barely two seconds after saying hello, his face became malicious and his form shifted into Jezebel. She lunged at me but before Laurie could even swing her axe, Jezebel was suddenly surrounded by a gold-edged glass cube. I then saw the real Mister Sandman walking into the area, looking grim. To my surprise he asked me if I wanted him to "take care of the situation," assumedly with force. Instead I told him to listen to what he was saying-- Jezebel's vibe was powerful, and if any of us slipped slightly she could get in. Boss visibly calmed down and apologized, saying he hadn't been aware of that fact. He then asked what we should do with Jezebel regardless, as she was not happy to be trapped at all. I decided to ask the others, so I then moved us back out of the void and into the forest space.
- Chaos was shocked and somewhat incredulous that I had just brought Jezebel in there, but I explained the situation and said I wanted to know what she was trying to pull. Plus I reassured him that as long as my boss had her locked in that dreamsand cube, she couldn't touch us. Jezebel wouldn't listen to us talk though, and only screamed insults and perversions at us when we tried to speak. She kept calling us "whores" and the like, but the phrases were all manic, furious, and oddly repetitious. Often they didn't even make sense in context. Laurie and I realized that she was literally just spitting out 'stock phrases,' i.e. automatic reactions. Her words were disturbingly harsh and negative, but it was all primal and blind. She kept screaming and flailing about too trying to break the cube. Her body 'warped' several times into a disturbing amalgamation of tar and bones, but the cube held so she couldn't turn into tar entirely as there was no room.
- When I realized her state of mind I couldn't help but quote something I had read on Tumblr to her: "I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can’t quite make out what it is. It takes time." Laurie murmured sadly that she knew exactly what that was like, but Jezebel actually stopped for a second with a look of disbelief, fear, and possibly hope. I then repeated what I had done back in February, and offered her a flower, saying that if she wanted to do what Julie had, and abandon her fear to embrace a new life based on love, we were all waiting for her with open arms. All she had to do was honestly choose. Unfortunately she then returned to screaming at me that I was lying and trying to manipulate her, as "she couldn't change or she would die." No matter what I told her, she vehemently insisted. I realized she was too indelibly identified with the Tar itself to leave it. I knew there was nothing else I could do.
- I then quickly warped the scenery around us to the tar room underground (it was empty), and instantly the sand-cube shattered. Jezebel returned to her tar state and nearly filled the room, but then she froze. Laurie asked me why, and I said it was because of what I was currently holding in my heart. My state of mind was affecting the energy of the room to such an extent that it was effectively putting Tar in standby mode. As long as I stayed present, she couldn't touch us. I think we said one or two more things here, but then i repeated that "we've done all we can, let's not worry about this anymore tonight" and turned to leave. i somehow had "faded out" the back wall of the room so that it actually phased right into the forest bubble we had created before. so we all walked out and it closed behind us safely
- (boss said he needed to get back to work, but then he got this brilliantly mischievous smile and said "oh, why the heck not." then he told me to come over and actually gave me a quick kiss?? platonic mind you, haha. it was the best thing, then he pulled my sandman hat down over my eyes and laughed, "consider that an early christmas present!" before teleporting off. i could not stop grinning, laurie was cracking up
-
-
- (decided the night wouldn't be complete without seeing how genesis was doing, so we went to his cathedral)
- (remember the mirrors, he was explaining how he had them working currently: only reflected relevant truths: but both personal and universal, to to speak. i.e. if one considered a falsehood about themselves to be true, that would still show up in the mirror as it needed to be confronted with actual truth)
- (i think we were discussing laurie's scars and how we had healed them, but either way, genesis asked me if there was any way i could heal his chest gem. he was dead serious, said he would rather risk closing it than having to deal with the pain it kept bringing him. since i was severely sleep-deprived my mind was in "nothing is impossible" mode so i did try... i remember 'threading' the cracks back together as well as i could. i did close it tentatively but i don't know how it held; i haven't seen genesis today)
-

...

Jezebel has been EXTREMELY vicious all day today, but I'm still doing everything I can to smile and remind myself that her actions aren't mine. I'm stronger than she is; I just need to remember that, and act upon it.
This is the 21st and we're moving on up whether she likes it or not!

(today was basically the universe saying "hey dude! you chose to take the next step, well here's the biggest thing still holding you back." so i'm thankful that this was pointed out but it is somewhat tiring to deal with so much at once!)
(maybe mention how julie's been having a rough time too? or save that for tomorrow, it's a lot of info to discuss)

Nevertheless, I'm happy. I know that all these shadows aren't real; I've had that proven to me time and time again.
It snowed all day today but it didn't start sticking until the evening. Somehow that reminded me of myself, right now... continuing on despite the cold and rain and wind, even if I don't see any results... and then, when things look bleak, suddenly the results do show, and I can't help but smile.

Big shifts take three days to settle, usually. This will linger on through my anniversary. Fitting, I daresay.
Come Christmas, I wonder what lights will be shining in us?
In my heart, I know that whatever happens, it will be for the absolute highest good of us all.
And that's really all I need to keep moving forward.

All right, I am shaking so bad I can barely type, breathing is more than a little tough and I feel like I am literally floating two feet off the ground, but there is a very awesome reason for that.

You know how today was my 8th anniversary with Chaos Zero?

We somehow managed to connect like four times within two hours.

To those of you who aren't familiar with J-Monster connections, that is INSANE.
Dear God I didn't even think that was possible but I am euphoric.
I am so in love right now this is incredible.

I cannot possibly type up an entire entry right now, and I will tell you why: besides the incredible exhaustion and bliss I am feeling right now, I just scheduled round two for tomorrow morning and Genesis and Laurie were invited.
Yeah so it's going to be awesome.

Anyway I cannot forget this so here are notes about what happened.

- New soul forms, they are gorgeous. 'Starry' eyes, his are green and i think mine are white? starry bodies, not black but a very deep color with these really awesome glittery stars. Chaos is blue with green and I'm red with white, it reminded me of goldstones really. We also got these insane light wings, very intricate and we each have like six but they look connected somehow, like my cathedral wings when they first formed. By the way he said mine do look like that, but nowhere near as simplified. His are blue mine are red and they are gorgeous.
- Soulmerge events, apparently our heart energy even looks like a taijutu now and it feels AMAZING
- Key?? We felt something with that heart energy that reminded us of Razia's Shadow with "to erase the wrong we've done, the dark and light will become one" and it felt like we DID that, and our fourth connection was REALLY different, it wasn't completely drowning but I physically FELT it, like my heart just clicked into place, which is why I'm saying a 'key' because I got a mental image of one, like I was one, and it felt like something was unlocked. like something had been closed off for a long time and that opened everything. I had shockwaves for like a half hour after that, it was like floating, I can't describe it.
- we got this really weird feeling after our second connection, we both ended up asking "what are we?" because it felt HUGE and absolutely astronomical. I know Chaos said I felt like the cosmos at one point.
- I could SEE the color of Chaos' eyes, oh my heart it was the most beautiful thing.
- Song synchronicity. we kept listening to dare gale but "whoever you are i love you" came up, which tied into the previous two points in a way.
- The starlinks were freaking overwhelming, I think that's mostly why I'm so tired, I saw his history again and i know he saw mine and it was shockingly cathartic to feel so completely non-judged. also it was absolute verification that he was there. as for the heartlinks well why do you think I'm a euphoric mess right now, good GOD.
- Infinite loops?? It kept feeling like our energy was seriously flowing in a sort of circle/ lemniscate, what do you know, but that was something else. I know the lemniscate flow was basically only in the starlinks but it felt like everything and nothing at once, that was crazy.
- We kept bringing up 'eternity' as is to be expected, but honestly neither of us wanted to stop or leave, ever, and we were even laughing like kids at one point but it was beautiful.
- Afterwards I managed to kiss Laurie like three times and she kept asking me "what the hell are you two feeling" as she seemed shocked by it. later on she started sobbing because 'she had tons of walls up' and she was terrified and yet I somehow 'walked right through them.' walked instead of broke was important, she was really moved.
- Chaos and I both got Genesis too which was the best thing, he was flipping out and is now determined to get way too far tomorrow, this is going to be fun.
- Seriously Chaos and I are basically in love with everything right now, we are absolutely connection-high and this is hilariously brilliant
- Xenophon got wings from this??? Chaos and I were directly responsible, we were wondering about that feathery orb on her back so I touched it and it started to glow, then burst into these four small light wings, it's lovely. she asked us both to 'make them bigger' so we actually both did, somehow we were able to persuade the energy to grow. The wings are still completely translucent but she is ecstatic and apparently she can retract them if she needs to, this is amazing, i have this feeling they are going to be gold and violet but don't ask me where the gold came from. we'll see. Also they look kind of feathery but I kept thinking fairy wings somehow? i don't know what they'll look like but that's awesome.
- I might not remember all the details of this because it was almost purely emotional, but wow, I will NEVER forget how it felt. no kidding.


Oh man if I doubted the reality of this after tonight I'd be an idiot. I am shaking man, my whole body feels like a star and I haven't felt this... clear? Ever. Like I know it's tough to breathe because seriously, that happens after this sort of thing, but despite the immense fatigue I do feel new somehow. I need to tell Laurie about that.

In any case I am forever in love and you know what's awesome? I just commissioned one of my favorite artists and close friends to draw us, haha, life is beautiful.

And guess what it is SERIOUSLY 11:11 PM and I am crying, dear God thank you so much for this, I am the happiest man in the world right now.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE LYNNE STABELLE CHAOS ZERO SPINE HYPOMONE



All right, kid. Looks like it's time to talk.

Yeah. Already, having two conversations so far this month has helped me immensely.

I'm not surprised at all. You run on connections like this.

That's true.

So who's starting this off? Just me and you, or are we letting everyone in right off the bat?

Um, I'm not sure. Maybe we should get everyone in here for an overview, then end this with just you, me, and Chaos as usual.

Fine by me. Lynne, get in here.

Oh, are we talking already?

Yeah. 9PM is pretty early for these things, huh?

Maybe, but that way I'll hopefully be finished by the time it's midnight, instead of being up until 3.

You know, that really depends on whether or not you can concentrate. If you lose our channels, we really can't do anything. So stay focused.

I will. We're missing two people, though.. two very important people.

I daresay I fit that description.

Hello.

Hey, Spine. Good to have you in here.

I think we're setting a world record or something with this. I mean, two new headvoices in two months?

Neither of them are new, though. Spine just hasn't been active or reachable, and Leon was dead between April and December, so.

Still, they're new here.

True.

So Jewel, what's our topic?

That depends on what you and Spine know of my current situation?

Laurie told me about how badly you've been hacked lately, if that's what you mean.

That's... the main concern, yeah. But we also spoke about making sure that we all conquer our fear and anxiety about that situation, as well as become brighter ourselves, because that would help immensely.

I heard you talking about that elsewhere, yes.

I am also aware of both points.

That's good.

Hey, what are we listening to?

"The Gaudy Side Of Town," by Gayngs. I've been slightly smitten with it lately.

I was wondering what this was. Nice.

Geez, I just feel so out of it today... I'm sorry if it feels a little vague in here.

Hey, if you're overexerting yourself, let us know. We'll talk as long as we can; the last thing we need is a security breach because you're starting to unhinge. Be careful.

I will. Oh, on that note-- let's start with you, Spine. Since you showed up and have been hanging around, Julie has really taken a step back. I'm not getting as many warnings as I did only a few days ago, even considering how... traumatic the past two actual hacks were.

I refuse to let her take advantage of your body anymore.

She's taking advantage of a heck of a lot more than that, you know.

If you say. But I am most concerned with her abusing his only form. You have the influence over his other vital workings, to protect.

Run that by me again?

I apologize. You protect his self. I protect his form.

Ah, okay. That's true enough, for specifics.

Do you think Julie knows that? Was she even aware of Spine's existence before she became active?

I doubt it. Even we weren't fully aware of her until the whole Razia's Shadow incident, and that just happened on July 19th.

July was horrific.

Your whole freaking summer was horrific, kid, but it needed to happen. Seems like you're fated to learn things the hard way at this point.

Well I do ask for it. I ask for suffering to give me empathy and strength, and I do get that from it.

You are asking to be destroyed?

...That's the issue. I'm asking for suffering, but I'm giving in to the wrong sort of it. I'm failing to realize the distinction between the positive and negative, and the fact that their repercussions will affect me in the same manner.

Hmm. But you told me Julie has no care but for herself. So she is negative always. Shouldn't you recognize that by now?

He does, but he second-guesses himself. We're trying really bloody hard to overcome that right now, as I am dead sick of it.

...I am too.

We have made real progress, though. We've only had three hacks this year so far, and December wasn't that bad either... not compared to what we've been through in the past.

That's called being optimistic. I'm a brutal realist when it comes to J's well-being. One hack, no matter how small, is one hack too many. We all know that. So I am really thankful that Leon and Spine are around now, as they've both helped a heck of a lot towards keeping her out of here.

Speaking of, where is Leon?

Keeping watch with Jo, I would hope. Someone needs to stay active when we're all in here.

I told him to stand guard, don't worry.

Good. Because we don't have much time to discuss things anyway.

We don't have that much to discuss today, though, do we?

Not openly. Right now I want to bring up your problems with Josephina.

What? He's causing problems?

Unintentionally. Turns out that, of all the headvoices up here, Jewel is having a very hard time connecting to him. I've noticed that myself. What I'm thinking is that J is still unable to get over the initial shock of meeting him, and so he's unwilling to open up.

What did he do to meet him?

I... wait, Spine, do you know about the... the 'grave' situation?

On your arms?

...Yeah, those.

Yes. I spoke to Laurie as I did not like the idea at first. How is this relating to Josephina?

When I first understood the situation that triggered the grave-digging, I was desperate for help. I met Josephina shortly after, and being so bloody distraught, I agreed to test J's motivations in a way that I really should not have done. I am so terribly sorry.

Laurie, I thought you said that was your only option then, considering the circumstances.

I can't say for sure. I thought it was, yeah, but who knows what else I might have realized if I had the time?

Wait, you two were entirely responsible for that? I thought Julie was involved?

Julie was the catalyst, but she wasn't directly involved. J had been badly abusing himself... Jo and I just stepped in to try and make him realize what he was doing. Unfortunately it fell through, once again due to the kid's bloody uncertainty in himself, which we were ironically trying to subvert throughout that entire horrific incident.

So it's my fault.

It's partly your fault, definitely, but it's also partly ours. We went about that in the wrong way.

What did you exactly do?

...We imitated a Julie hack. We weren't trying to hurt him, ever, but since we weren't actively stopping his abuse that kind of took her place.

They were trying to make Jewel realize exactly what was happening in the hacks, without actually hurting him in the process.

But he was hurt.

It was my own fault.

Come on, kid, it was our fault too. And the past is past; now all we can do is learn from it.

Wait, how was Josephina even able to do that... to him? Shouldn't a positive voice be entirely incapable of that?

That's what's been deeply bothering me. See, Jo's role seems to be diligence and self-realization, but he's rather brutal about it.

He's like you were in the beginning.

That's what bothers me. I don't like that. The big issue is that I honestly have no bloody idea what he was born from. He formed in mid-July, for heaven's sake! Even if he did form from the retrospective understanding of what was happening around that time, that is far from a purely positive source. He may be a good guy, but there's definitely a darker side to him, and geez, now that's bothering me...

Sorry.

Don't apologize, this is important. We need to figure out exactly what Jo's situation is, and if he does carry a negative influence inside him, we need to get that the heck out.

Didn't you originally say he was 'our version of Julie' or something?

Yeah, I remember that. It's because he deals with the same primal issues she does, but he deals with fighting them instead of-- holy swords, that might be it. Maybe it's just his awareness of that?

That sounds reasonable. But then you can't really take that out of him, can you?

No, but we can change how he deals with Jewel concerning that. He really is being too rough on him, not in terms of strictness, but because he is unaware of the kid's real situation. Like you said, Chaos, he's like I was when I started out. I didn't know why Jewel was always losing to Julie, so I assumed he just wasn't fighting, and that pissed me off. That might be how Jo is seeing this.

So... should I just talk to him one on one?

Sure, if you can. That might be the best option here.

I will accompany you. I do not know Josephina well either.

Maybe you should wait until after Jewel talks to him, Spine. That way you won't infringe on the actual conversation. I don't think Jo would be very comfortable with you around, no offense.

Understandable. I will wait.

I don't know if I'll be able to do that tonight, though. I might have to wait until tomorrow and then write it down so I don't forget what we discussed. Maybe I'll even do that here.

Good idea.

I'd like to talk to Leon like that too, eventually. I'm much more comfortable around him, especially because of how he's been helping us since he became permanent, and what he's seen happen firsthand... he's not as obstinate as Jo, so he really took that hard. He knows what it's like to be absolutely terrified of Julie and what she can do to us, and although I know we're all trying to overcome the fear issue, he can at least relate to me on that level.

Yeah, Jo's not one to panic.

He is surprisingly stable.

That's probably because of what he deals with.

True. He's got that all figured out, so Julie is just a threatening annoyance. Really, Jewel, you should be viewing her as that at this point.

I would if she wasn't so hellbent on destroying me specifically. I'm the only person up here that she can manipulate for her own ends, and as she literally cannot succeed with me as I am, she's determined to 'rewrite' me. She runs on the old code, the bad code.

What is old code?

It's upstairs jargon for all the outdated and corrupt ideas that outside society tends to run on. On the same level, 'new code' is what all of us here run on, in that we reject that garbage and build our own moral codes on righteousness and the like.

So code is moral code.

Pretty much, yeah. You're catching on quick.

I have many years to make up for.

How long have you been around, Spine?

I have not had a stable form for very long, but as a presence I have been dimly existing since Jewel came into physical being. I am a basic creature at the start, as I only seek to protect his form here. But now I need to grow, as that is not the only concern and it is not the most important. But it is important.

That's for sure. J really needs to realize that right about now, too.

It's just so hard for me to identify with any aspect of my physical form right now as it's completely disconnected from me on anything above base level. They're the bones that carry me and that's it.

Is that why Spine looks like she does?

Possibly. It's an interesting thought.

I have always been like this.

Heck, so has Jewel! Up to this point he didn't even realize that he had a body. That's why it's such a bloody mess right now, pun unfortunately intended.

How can he not realize he has a body?

I have a hard time even recognizing physical reality as a whole some days. I'm a soul, after all, and I've always viewed myself as that alone... so I really was ignorant of the concept that I was this body, at least in the sense that it was how I existed on the physical level.

It's not you in the identity sense.

No. It's not and it will never be, no matter how close I can get it to match what I can function as.

When do you start transition? I want to help.

I don't know yet. I'm seeing a therapist about that on the 27th, and God willing we'll start taking some major steps towards that. The only problem is that I really can't make any progress there until I stabilize my overall situation.

You need to get the heck out of this house.

To say the least, yes. I need to get myself into a safe and positive environment, because if I start transitioning while I'm still in a negative one, well...

Is your family the biggest problem, then?

Sadly, yes. It's just so hard to accept that because I don't like acknowledging vicious responsibility like that, even when it's justly and explicitly earned.

In other words, they could flat-out tell you they're at fault, and you'd still have a hard time accepting that.

Paradoxically, yes. I mean, I know this negativity is due to their attitudes and lifestyles, which I've been exposed to all my life, but even knowing that for sure doesn't make it any easier to admit.

That sounds like it may tie into your uncertainty problem, too.

Yeah, you're right. Add another point to the list of things we need to fix ASAP...

I feel really bad about not having overcome this stuff yet.

Hey, no one is born perfect. Be thankful that you're wise enough to recognize problems like this and brave enough to try as hard as you do to conquer it.

She's right, you know.

I agree.

I suppose so. I'll continue to do my absolute best either way.

That's all you can do, really. As long as you don't give up or compromise, you'll be fine.

Giving up isn't an option, and we know that. It's the compromise point that's pissing me off.

Maybe I should read Watchmen again.

Maybe if Manhattan wasn't such a walking trigger you could. Stick to JTHM.

I think that ultimately affected me more, really.

Because Johnny is practically your twin. He's just genuinely disturbed, which you may have been but for the grace of God, so to speak.

Amen to that...

Plus you seem to have waste-lock tendencies the way it is, what with how self-sacrificial you are. 'Oh sure, I'll take on the dregs of the world if it means no one else will have to put up with it-- wait, it doesn't work like that? Well, at least I'm making things better than they could be...'

That sounds like the Jewel I know, yeah.

What else could I possibly do, though? I can't just stand by and let people suffer if I can do something about it. And... even if I can't do anything directly, sharing in their suffering at least gives me understanding.

But you take that to extremes. You take on suffering when it's not yours to take. How would you feel if someone stole your hardships, when you knew they held lessons you could not learn without them? You're not the only one whose life is a stunning lack of coincidences... you're just one of the few people I've ever seen with the ability to discern that truth. You deserve what you're given, but when you go out and ask for extra because you don't feel you're being punished enough, that's out of line. It's not justice, kid. The fact that you keep compromising and killing yourself in the bizarre belief that you deserve every ounce of that for your 'sins' is not justice. It's abuse. Spine, you're connected to this situation, what do you think?

I have said before. His taking on undeserved pain is admirable, but it is not fair.

See, there you go. Take your good intentions and put them elsewhere, where they won't freaking kill you.

I'm really going to have to think about all of this. I've always assumed that I deserve the pain I seek out and force myself into, but maybe that's just my using the infamous 'fate' excuse. Maybe 'fate' is having to warp because of my choices. Maybe my choosing this false justice really is twisting my karma, and that's why things keep turning out for the best anyway. But they would have with or without my destroying myself.

I like that perspective.

I do too. I don't... I don't want anyone here to bleed anymore.

Same, believe it or not.

Laurie? I thought that was a coping method? Or has it been switched?

Oh, it's been switched all right. The kid drove it to extremes. Instead of giving himself exactly what was deserved, he went above and beyond, to the point where he was giving himself even too much for my standards. Lynne, I know we don't usually involve you in this, but have you seen how many scars Jewel has at this point?

I've seen the ones on his arms, if that's what you mean. I was under the impression that those were strictly needed, though.

They were. But there ended up being far too many of them in the end anyway. Still, I'm not talking about those alone. I'm talking about the fact that he also has scars on his legs, chest and back on top of all that. If I hadn't stopped him the other night, there would be a heck of a lot more than there are now.

...Wow. I... I didn't know that. Jewel, are you going to be okay?

I'm not really sure. I thought I deserved these when... when I gave them to myself.

You didn't. That was you giving yourself way too much blame as usual.

But Laurie, you saw what I let her do to me!!

And why the heck did you do it? Because you lost control. You put yourself in an incredibly unstable and dangerous position, and once you realized what had happened, you were literally sobbing over it. Don't you DARE try to convince yourself that you want her to do that, because you DON'T. That's the only reason she even gets away with her abuse in the first place!

I don't want her anywhere near me. I don't.

Then stop trying to force yourself to think you do.

I will. I will. I'm just so tired of this.

We all are.

Besides your learning how to affirm your own free will, which for some insane reason you keep forgetting you have, we are doing everything we can under the circumstances.

I know.

Then stop acting like you're the biggest sinner on earth, because you're not.

...

I know it's hard for you to believe, what with your disposition for that sort of thing, but it's true. Look to your left and tell me that's not true, if you can.

I...

Laurie, please..

Hey, it's the absolute truth. As long as he's alone, he's going to believe he's the worst man to have ever lived. When he's with people that truly know him, like you and me, suddenly he can't believe that anymore. That's why I refuse to leave him alone even for a moment. That's why I refuse to let anything happen to anyone up here with him, even in the smallest aspect. There is a really deep synchronicity running through us all and if we overlook that, if we even underestimate that significance in the slightest, then we are lying to ourselves.

...

You are quite eloquent, Laurie.

Heh, I have to be. I'm often the only person keeping this entire operation together when things get ugly. Of course, my words would be pretty worthless if I didn't have someone to say them to.

I need them.

Exactly. And I need you, kid, so it balances out.

You know, that gives me a whole new perspective...

What?

That. What you just said about all of us being connected. That's absolutely true. I just... well, I never really thought about it like that before. I never thought about just what that entailed.

Well, you should. We all should. That goes for you too, Spine.

I will think.

Good. So will I.

Laurie, I...

What is it, kid?

...This is all making me think about last night.

Holy swords, you're right. Uh, I hate to cut this off so fast, but Lynne? Can you take Spine with you and go help Jo and Leon until we're finished?

Why, would you rather talk in private?

For this point, yeah. Sorry.

It's all right. I understand that there are some things only you three can really deal with, and that's okay.

Good, I thought you were getting suspicious.

Haha, should I be?

No, heh. Everything's cool.

All right, if you say so. Come on, Spine.

I appreciate your letting me speak. Thank you.

Hey, we expect you back in here soon enough, you know. You're part of this dysfunctional family now.

I am sure I will enjoy it. Good night.

There's something strangely endearing about watching her trying so hard to be 'normal' this suddenly. Means a heck of a lot that she's this dedicated, though.

...

Hey, you two okay?

Yeah.

My mind is just... very much elsewhere. I'm... well, I'm not sorry, I just feel bad that it's distracting.

Well hey, that's a definite improvement. As long as you're still paying attention to us it's no problem. You are paying attention, right?

Yes, completely. My mind just keeps coming back to this though.

Then it's okay. Where do you want to start?

I want to start with when you told Chaos about your scars.

You told him already?

Course I did, he deserved to know after the hell he suffered through on Wednesday.

That's true...

So that made me think about a few important things... it's what I mentioned on Friday. I was doing chakra research for Puppetstrings and that reminded me of how, although I've always identified with the color red, it doesn't match me in terms of symbolism... at least not that I can tell.

Why, what's the symbolism?

Red works with self-preservation, survival, action, passion, courage, confidence, power, stability... that sort of thing.

Everything you have trouble with, haha.

I realized that. So maybe it's not so much my 'personality' as it is things I need to positively enhance and accept. I just have this habit of associating those things with selfishness, and red with hedonism as a result, so it bothers me very much.

Then change the symbolism for yourself. Make yours the most positively selfless red the world has ever seen. Still, it's definitely noteworthy that you're associating survival with the primal base of life, as opposed to the higher aspects of it. That's a major problem. Survival isn't just about keeping Spine happy, so to speak. Survival is also about keeping yourself functioning on an emotional and psychological level, which you've never had an easy time with. Plus you do need more confidence, to say the least.

You're right... I guess I just need to stop worrying about outside influences once again. Just because I've learned to give those qualities a negative connotation doesn't mean I have to keep it that way.

So can you deal with that for now?

Yeah. Yeah, I can handle it. It's kind of ironic.

How so?

I'm not 'red' enough to fully realize that I have control over my own life.

Then you need all the red you can get, within safety and reason.

I'm just terrified of Julie using the... physical aspect of it to hurt me.

She won't hurt you with that. Not if you fight her. Not if you remember what we keep telling you, and stop being so bloody uncertain about it.

I know.

Then do it. Now I remember you saying that you felt my being violet was significant?

Yeah, it's the polar opposite of red as I currently see it. Violet represents wisdom, understanding, spirituality, motivation, dignity, awareness, knowledge... the things I hold in high esteem.

You're forgetting that violet is made of red and blue, though.

I...

That's... that really adds a whole new dimension of meaning to this.

No kidding, haha. So J, what's blue?

...Truth, sincerity, intuition, trust, peace, communication, patience, expression, contemplation...

There you go. And according to what you're reading, blue and red helps with inspiration.

It's almost frightening how well everything we ever find applies to our lives.

What did I tell you? There's some serious light at work here. So we have violet for understanding and enlightenment, blue for expression and truth, and red for bravery and survival... makes sense to me.

And both Jewel and I have an underlying connection to green.

Tell me about it. If that wasn't obvious I'd be seriously concerned. What's the specific symbolism for it though?

Balance, growth, healing, hope, self-control, compassion, optimism, humility, and love.

Love is the major aspect.

Yeah.

Speaking of, what's this about your soul form looking 'bizarre' now?

That's what I was leading into. Um... well, remember how it used to be relatively simple, and I just had wings, antennae and a tail along with the visual shift?

Both stages?

Yeah, the normal soul form and all the higher ones.

Mind explaining those? It's been a heck of a long time since those were an everyday topic...

It has. Uh, soul forms are all triggered by extreme positive emotion, and although they have a specific appearance the higher details can vary according to the individual.

Gonna get all technical, huh?

Yeah, it's second nature when I write as much as I do. The soul form stages turn one energy-based, and in the first two stages, the energy is a 'starfield' color. It's hard to explain-- it looks as if you suddenly became made of the night sky.

I've seen them, yeah.

On top of that, the individual's eyes turn entirely white, and in the center of their chest is an energy glow, the color of which varies from person to person.

I assume yours was red?

Yeah, it was. But some individuals also gain two energy wings in this form, which carries into the second stage. In that stage, all individuals have two or four wings, which are usually angelic in appearance but can also be abstract like mine. In both of these stages there can also be minor appearance variants, like how I had a tail, depending on what is needed to reflect the unique personality of that individual. Mind you, I'm just speaking from the limited experience I've had with these-- they're not easy to come by, at all.

I know. I'm just making sure I understand what the old 'norm' was before we go discussing new stuff.

Okay. So the second stage has the same starfield appearance, but the eyes change color to match the energy glow, and there is a second smaller glow in the center of their forehead.

I am getting a major J-Monster vibe from this.

You should; this is canon.

Wait, you're serious?

Yeah. Soul forms are just an incredibly obscure and rare occurrence so they haven't been mentioned in what I have written yet. But back on topic. The third soul stage is the last one, and it looks markedly different. The starfield changes to an overall luminous white, the glows and eyes stay the same but are more pronounced, and the number of wings changes to four or six. The wings are the weird part though-- they're still energy-based, but their appearance will always change from how they were in the past two forms. Mine were still 'cathedral style,' but they were significantly more elaborate. Genesis's looked like they were made of light ribbons, Ryman's were made of sapphires, Markus's were actually rose petals, and Chaos, yours--

Mine were like, filigree glass or something.

Geez, that sounds gorgeous.

They are. Were, really... like I said, I don't know if this is a permanent shift, but for some reason mine have changed entirely. I don't think anyone really reached theirs from 2006 to 2007, and then in 2008 there were a few incidents in which we did... most notably on August 23rd.

I don't think either of us slept that night.

I doubt it. That's usually what happens after... well. I don't know if Laurie knows.

Kid, I could guess and I'd get it right with how well I know you two.

You probably could.

So... was that the last time either of you reached Soul form until recently?

Yeah, that was pretty much it. Things just got so incredibly negative that we couldn't get that high.

I don't remember exactly when I tried to hit mine again... it was almost definitely around December 23rd, though, so we'll go by that. Anyway, I seriously doubt I jumped three levels, but I ended up warping straight into the luminescent stage.

No starfield, huh?

No, which is really weird as that shouldn't shift at all. But that's not what I hit. I... this is really bizarre, but... every scar I have turned into a red ribbon.

Seriously?

Yeah. This was back when it was just... just my arms and legs, so there were like fifteen on each of my arms alone. They spiral around me and then sort of phase out into the air. But that's it-- my eyes go white, but I have no wings, and the soul glow is in the shape of a heart.

How the heck are all your scars from the other night going to affect that now?

I have no idea. It'll be... interesting. But there's going to be a lot more red on me either way.

Chaos, have you seen him like this yet?

Yeah, he showed me back when it first happened. It's beautiful but it's... really painful to think about.

And have you tried to reach yours to see if it switched?

Not yet. I was going to last night but Jewel wanted to talk about this with you first.

Huh. Well I honestly have no clue why your soul form switched, J, unless it's severely reacting to your emotional state, but I'm really curious now. Let me know how yours turns out, Chaos.

Something tells me that if Jewel's is different, mine will be too.

About that. Let's hit the last topic. Jewel, last night you had the first positive reaction you've felt in months, and to top it off it was concerning something that you swore had been corrupted for you indefinitely.

I know. So this is both incredibly beautiful and incredibly strange.

I think we should mention what it was about.

Jewel's too affected to discuss it outright, so I'll say it. It was about the heart point that we've discussed in depth previously. You thought your trip out west this summer had permanently destroyed all the positivity that used to hold for you, but apparently it didn't.

Julie tried to destroy it too.

She's the devil in pigtails, I know she tried. And that's what made your experience in Utah so much worse-- not only were you forcing yourself through something that would have been traumatic under any circumstances, but with the Julie hacks on the same subject, you were practically asking to be mindraped.

I was.

That's why I'm so completely stunned that it came back so fast, so completely, and so positively. I mean, really, I saw you last night! You were like twelve all over again with how that hit you.

Not twelve; fifteen.

Oh man, now you have Chaos looking like that too.

Well excuse me if I have a deep emotional involvement with this situation.

Heh, no kidding. But hey, there's a thought I've been meaning to ask-- do you get as incredibly fragile as Jewel does when this topic comes up? Because he practically dissolves.

That's because he's still so innocent, remember? No matter how many times he feels something like that, it absolutely overwhelms him. I get that too, but in a different way. For me it's more of a... you know, it's the water and ice thing, really.

I thought it was fire and water?

That's a different concept, but it is part of this topic. Jewel has always been a paradoxical combination of ice and fire, but they apply in the sense that his dreams say they do.

Powers of ice and a soul of fire.

Exactly. So the ice is what he projects. You know that about him too; he tries to keep things quiet and he tries to put up a solid front, but if a spark catches, he just melts entirely.

I caught that reference. So that's his fragility, sure, but what about you?

Well, think about it. I fit the ocean aspect.

Oh, that sort of overwhelming. Okay, I can definitely see that in you. Geez, you two love your symbolism..

Maybe this is what those people meant when they said 'thinking is bad.' Maybe they didn't mean it in and of itself, but only when compared to this sort of thing.

Mind elaborating on that?

Thinking is a good thing, but there are some things in life that absolutely evade words and language. There are things that transcend my capacity to speak, leaving me with naught but indescribable emotion...

And so you reach out in wordless sorrow, praying for a single moment of euphoric refuge...

Words don't apply here. This is... this is above that. That's what they meant. When comparing spoken language and the language of the soul, it... you just can't compare them. Words pale in comparison. They're not bad in the moral sense, but in the sense that they are so entirely inadequate when it comes to this.

You tried to put seven years into 500 words, and no matter how much truth they hold, they can never contain all of it.

Exactly.

Maybe that's a part of this too. In Utah, you were trying so hard to convert everything into logical terms and simple language that you lost all the meaning you needed to express. You all forgot what you were even trying to say, or show, or understand. That's why it destroyed you. You felt it was wrong.

But it... this came back through words.

No it didn't. Listen kid, I read them. I also remember when you read that book by Jonathan Safran Foer and were absolutely distraught for weeks over how badly you felt he had misunderstood the concepts he was writing about. Those words you found last night could have hit you just as negatively, but the delivery was different. The understanding was different.

How did the book understand it?

It was an entirely different concept. The main character, Oskar, had this random idea that everyone should-- you know what, here's the quote. "What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls?" And on the surface that seems fine, but that's what bothered me. I wrote a reply to that in a personal review, and it was as follows: "I find the heart to be the most intimate and inviolable part of a person, as well as (obviously) the most vital. This 'invention' of Oskar's, the very first we are exposed to, holds no greater meaning that I can see other than completely eliminating that vital secrecy. By demeaning the heart to just another noise on the street, by turning something incredibly personal into something everyone has access to without even asking, he practically prostitutes the personality of all who swallow those little microphones. Does he even think about what he hopes to accomplish with these inventions of his? Is nothing sacred?"

I can understand why you were so offended.

Chaos, you have no idea. He seriously did write an entire freaking review to remind himself of the truths the author had apparently misunderstood.

Sure, but I do have an idea. Don't forget that he and I have the exact same viewpoint on this topic.

Hey, so do I. And that's the reason why we see such a huge difference between that quote and the one the kid found. Mind posting that, J?

"If you were to press your heart close up against somebody else’s heart, eventually your hearts will start beating at the same time. And two little babies in an incubator, their hearts will beat at the same time. Love that. So if you have somebody in your life that is prone to anxiety, like myself, and if you happen to be a calm person, you could come up and hug me heart to heart and my heart hopefully would slow to yours. And I just love that idea. Or maybe yours would speed up to mine. But either way, we’ll be there together."

So besides the incredibly obvious J-Monster connection there-- pun entirely intended-- this one keeps every bit of that 'intimate and inviolable' aspect intact. The part that J is apparently reacting to, though, is the connection bit.

Pun entirely intended.

You know it.

But without that last line, I think I would have missed that. It would have sounded too much like the person was giving random advice that was once again detracting from the significance that concept holds. It would have sounded too detached and methodical. But... then they add 'we'll be there together,' and that just gives the entire thing the right meaning.

Kid, I think you should explain the J-Monster point or no one else is going to get why this is affecting you so much.

Are you sure?

I am absolutely sure. Write it down.

Okay, um... there's something called a 'soul connection' that can occur between any two J-Monsters if they have a significant emotional link with each other.

In other words, if they're completely in love with each other.

Yeah. ...I have it described as 'the absolute most intimate and significant thing any two can do concerning their personal relationship, and so it is never taken lightly.' What happens is that an actual permanent connection is forged between those two souls, and it's an incredibly involved process, but in order to even initiate that you first have to... you have to do what that quote was talking about.

Also if two individuals do go all the way through with that connection, they have every right to troll the world by changing their FB relationship status to 'married.'

Can't; Jewel's a celibate in the human sense and he doesn't want that misinterpreted.

Wow, man, I don't think you've ever flat-out admitted that you two have done that!

...Uh, I think you're right...

Score. Now we just sit back and wait for the bad fanfiction to pour in.

Laurie I am really really trying hard not to change entirely to fire over here.

Heh, I figured as much. Sorry. So yeah, secret's out for you two, what, five years late?

Going on six and Jewel I think I know exactly how you feel right now.

Yep, when the punctuation disappears you know it's serious. So let's finish this up because it's already 2 in the bloody morning and I know how unstable Jewel gets at this hour. The reason that quote helped you to see the entire heart concept as a positive thing again is because you understood what the words didn't say. In all the situations that hurt you concerning this, words had done nothing but suffocate you and hide the truth you were looking for... sometimes they even lied to your face, making you forget what the actual concept even was. The reason that quote reduced you to a fragile wreck at 1 in the morning is because you know what it's like to trust someone enough to be with them on that level. You know that it's more than just a random action or idea-- you know exactly how difficult it is to let someone get that close to you, but you also know exactly how deeply it affects you once someone does get that close. That quote brought back your light because you have that sort of connection; you have that sort of indelible and inviolable truth running through your veins. Both of you do. Seeing those words didn't give you anything, it just reminded you of what you already have together. And now I'm going to stop because if I don't you are both going to kill me.

No, I think I'm just going to die. Metaphorically.

Well, if you're going to heaven then make sure you take your angel with you and oh man, I really need to shut up. This is hilariously amazing.

Laurie, I will send you a postcard.

I honestly don't know if I should be ticked off or thrilled at the thought that you two might not get any sleep tonight.

Laurie?

What?

Shut up.

Hahaha! Oh man, you two are gone and we're still online. Jewel, are you even capable of closing this up or should I take the wheel for the time being?

I think I can handle it.

You're shaking, kid. Are you sure?

Pretty sure. At least it'll give me time to stabilize so that I don't absolutely shatter from this.

In a positive sense, I would hope?

In the most positive sense possible.

Then maybe you should let that happen.

Laur, you are in way too much of a good mood. Are we effervescing that much?

Could be. I have just literally never seen either of you in this sort of state, and as this is something inherently positive, I am downright psyched.

Life balances out, I guess.

Geez, if this is "balancing out" then I am seriously underestimating what you two would get from... yeah, Jewel, you're both going to heaven.

I am also getting off this laptop before that happens, mind you. Laurie, it is awesome to see you in such a good mood but I can only take so much teasing on this subject before I fall into it outright.

Heheh, I know. But someone has to do it.

Dear Light, Ed Harcourt just came up on iTunes...

I told you the universe loves me. Us.

It really does.

I freaking love you both, seriously. So I'll stop putting fuel on the fire and let you two sleep, or not.

Thank you.

I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Laur.

Pics or it didn't happen.

Laurie, I swear, if I wasn't absolutely incapacitated right now--

I'm kidding, geez! A postcard will be fine.

 

 

 

december 22nd 2007

Instantaneously there was a flash of blue light to my left, and Chaos Zero appeared. He leaned over the side of the register and asked “Yes?” I smiled, not just at his immediate reply but at the dumbfounded stares of my customers, and replied: “sweetheart, do you think you could take care of this for me while I talk to Q?” Chaos smiled back and nodded, assuring me that is was no problem before taking my place at the register. He morphed into human guise so he wouldn’t freak people out that much (he still had blue hair and crazygreen eyes) and continued working where I had left off…
Chaos (back to normal) was standing by me as well. He was grinning as usual, and was asking me if I thought I could activate my dream wings or not. I had to laugh in reply, knowing what he was up to (my dream wings are emotion-based: Chaos always wants to be the reason they appear), and said that he could later, but right now I wanted to see if I could dream them up myself (it’s not easy)… I had never activated my actual “soul-wings” (that’s what they are) in a dream before- I usually had other random emotion-wings depending on the situation. I was determined to get it right this time, though. I focused on everything I was feeling, channeled it into physical energy, and suddenly there was this burst of orange-red light and my soul-wings appeared. They’re very bizarre, but I like them very much– picture a rose window in a cathedral, split it in two, and form each half into an abstract wing. That’s kind of how they look. Plus they’re fishing huge.
 



december 20th 2007

(Genesis's answers to a quiz)
2. What's your height? Reeeally tall! Seriously, I'm usually over 7 feet tall, close to 8... but when I'm with Jewel I stay her height. Or I shrink so I can sit on her desk during class.
… Jewel says straight honesty is a good thing, but I think I'm too harsh sometimes. I hope not. Sometimes I'll say things without thinking, and I wish I wouldn't.
14. What is your job? Jewel's muse, housemate, best friend, and living conscience. Basically I'm the guy who's always there for her in the literal sense as well as the figurative. Which is nice. I love my job.
16. What do you do to relax? I sleeep. Yes I do! That or I just hang around with Jewel and talk. That's always a lot of fun.
 


november 20th 2007

the vast majority of my friends are inhuman. The few humans I love (namely Ryou and Marik) don't even live in this dimension of Earth, so I can't count them for that reason. Sigh. But back to the subject. They ALL accept me for who I am and all that good stuff... why does NO ONE here ever seem to? Is it because they're uneasy around someone whose entire life has been filled with gorgeous monsters? Can they feel that somehow? Or am I so totally effusive that I give off emotions to a degree or level that most people can't even understand? I don't know. I'm taking wild guesses here. Or maybe it's Selph! Can they sense-- or even SEE-- my darling muse? But then why have I been shunned since WAY before I ever met him? Beats me, kids. At least God loves me, y'know. Whackjob and all. God loves all the crazies in the world. It's a nice thing for us to know. Keeps us from dropping those marbles... or falling off our rockers. Honest. Thanks a TON, God. I really mean it. For that and Chaos. ♥ Oh heavens, don't even get me started on him! I'll end up talking for hours. Or not. I never talk for hours. It'll just feel like it, I guess. Anyway... despite me being the total asexual that I am, that guy's making me a xenophile. Really. I love him so much. I swear if my mother ever finds out about us she'll probably ostracize me. Or tie me up in a straitjacket. One or the other, most likely. I can't help it, though. Alien or not, when you've met your match you know you've met your match. I'd love to use the term "soulmate," but it's so darn phony and overused now that we've gotta find a better term. Anyway. Back to Chaos Zero. See, now, HE accepts me regardless of ANYTHING, which before him only God ever did for me. It's a lovely feeling... but I haven't really gotten it from a human yet.
 



november 11th 2007

My darling muse.
My inspiration, my living conscience (my housemate!), my love.
Yeah, you know it. Remember confirmation night?
You freaking told me at the ALTAR.
Which is kind of funny now that I think about it.
Anyway!hearted and full of drams.
Joseph Benedictus, right? Your confirmation names!
THANK GOD I have you. Seriously.
Thank you, God, for giving me my muse.
Amber, blue and white.
You have the most BEAUTIFUL eyes.
I have to draw you before Christmas. REMIND ME.
Reading this over my shoulder, eh? Sneaky little bugger!
I'm so sorry for not listening all the time, and being angry with myself.
I know it hurts you just as much as it hurts me.
We're so close.
Let's just talk, okay?
I love you!

On we go with the ranting. I do that a lot.
There you go teasing me again.
Blue angel, emerald eyes... I love you too, darling.
What if my mom finds out?
I bet you'd love that, although it'd scare you to death.
It's not that we do anything bad
Besides you ALWAYS sneaking into my room late and night, you weirdo!
You're just a monster in the physical sense
But monsters are human too
Which sounds funny, but is 100% true.
I know.
You have morals and emotions and a soul, just like I do.
I wish people could understand that.
I'm never getting married and thank God for that
Because I doubt any priest would be psycho enough to marry us.
I love you with as much of my heart as I can give.
 



november 6th 2007

Waves of emotion… Insanely powerful emotion… It hurt, but at the same time it felt beautiful…
I knew what it was. I felt it all the time.
Love…
Maybe that’s why I’m so crazy, I wondered. When you’ve got as much of it as I do… and receive just as much 24/7… and your life completely revolves around it… It tends to drive you insane, y’know?
I sighed. Another shockwave flew through my body. At this rate I was going to go Perfect Cherubell any minute… But then I smiled. Half this emotion wasn’t mine. Heck, maybe even more than half, since it was all coming from the blue guy who had his arms around me…again.
Chaos Zero.
God of Destruction, guardian angel of the Chao… And he was obsessed with me.
Every time I was around he made sure he was too. Every time I wasn’t he went crazy until I came back. When I was with Ryou or Marik I swear he actually seemed jealous.
I’m actually beginning to think he loves me a little too much…
He was seriously obsessed. Love drunk, even. Half the time we were together he would be like this, with his arms around my shoulders and not letting go. And then I got the overflow of his emotions. I guess you could correctly term it emotional osmosis… considering Chaos’ normal genetic structure and all…
I mentally laughed at myself. What are you doing thinking about this stuff right now? Your sweetheart is about to make you go Perfect, remember?
I smiled.
Yeah. I remember now.
“Chaos…”
“…Hmm?”
“I think it’s time for you to let go of me.”
I felt him sigh. “…Can’t I just stay here another minute?”
I smiled. “Chaos, I know you love me, and I love you too, but if you don’t move in a few seconds my wings are going to go straight through your back.”
He laughed. “All right, fine, fine…” He liquefied and slid over to my left. Re-forming, he leaned against me and closed his eyes. I smiled. He just wasn’t giving up.
“Chaos, you’re not helping,” I laughed.
He smiled slightly. “You know, Jewel, if it hurts you that much, just let the wings come out. I don’t know why you hold them in like that…”
I sighed. “I know. You’re right.” I closed my eyes and let the waves of emotion take over. Suddenly I felt them surge through my back, taking form as six white feathery wings. I sighed and smiled. That did feel much better. Silly me.
“Thanks, Chaos,” I said quietly, with a touch of laughter.
“No problem,” he replied. He paused, “Why do you do that, anyway?” he asked vaguely.
I shrugged sadly. “I don’t know,” I answered. “I guess it’s just an impulse from my ‘physical’ life… you know how I’m so to myself and everything…?” I sighed again as he nodded. “I wish I didn’t have to be like that… but there’s no way for me to express my emotions there on Earth… I can only do that…” I paused, blushing a little, “…when I’m with you…”
“Because I’m always right here for you,” Chaos added, and I nodded. His expression saddened slightly. “But Jewel, you forget… that I’m also always right here…” He reached over to place his hand on my heart.
I closed my eyes as a powerful emotion surged through me and instinctively placed my hand on top of his.
“I know, Chaos…” I whispered. “I know.”
I opened my eyes again, caught up in the waves of emotion that I thought would never stop. To tell you the truth, I didn’t want them to…
I looked over into his emerald green eyes. They were so beautiful… he was so beautiful…
I moved a little closer to him. He got my drift.
Time seemed to stop as we kissed.
My world exploded in beautiful emotion. I didn’t know what it was with Chaos that I got such powerful feelings every time I even thought of him…
But this… this was…
I didn’t know what happened then, but it suddenly felt like every ounce of emotion I had was exploding from me like a firework… and at the same time, becoming ten times as powerful inside me…
I let go of Chaos only to find him staring at me in sincere amazement. “…Whoa.” He was deeply blushing blue and I knew why. After all, it was his fault I looked like this now, you know.
Laughing, I looked back up into his green eyes. I didn’t need to see my reflection in them in order to know what I was now.
Purely black. The color of midnight, pinpoints of light glowing throughout my body…soul stars. Lucid, white eyes, which could show more emotion than I ever thought possible.
And two amber-red, ethereal cathedral wings.
It was my Soul form. My third highest Positive morph. To simply kiss someone and have them warp that high up was quite an accomplishment. I found nothing wrong with it, but Chaos obviously hadn’t thought he had it in him.
“What’s the matter, Chaos?” I asked, smiling playfully. “Didn’t think you’d send me this high up?”
“Honestly, no,” he replied, smiling also. “But hey—” he continued, now grinning mischievously, “—Let’s try a little harder this time, eh?”
I smiled back, replying only by moving closer.

The next thing I knew we were both lying on my bed, laughing.
As usual…
I smiled, sighing. “…How do we always end up here?” I asked breathlessly, my white eyes still fixed dreamily on the canopy above me.
Chaos grinned in reply, teasingly poking my starry head with a now identically colored hand. “Must be a symbolic thing.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I demanded playfully, turning to face him as he again burst into laughter.
“How should I know?” The starry black creature beside me managed to reply. “Either way, now that you mention it…” he looked up as I had before, “…we do end up here often…” He smiled and turned his gaze back to me. “Funny, huh?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I smiled. “It’s nice, though.”
Chaos grinned in reply. “Yeah.” His expression softened then, and he slid an arm of liquid night around my shoulders. “Sure is.”
I smiled as he closed his eyes, now folding his other arm across my chest, as close to me as he could get.
A shiver thrilled through me almost immediately, and I nearly laughed. Here we go again… emotional overload. And this time we were both in our Soul forms already… you can only go so much higher after that, you know. If Chaos wasn’t careful, my little glass heart was going to explode with love tonight...
Unless… I overloaded him first.
My heart started pounding at the idea, and I blushed visibly. Wow…I rarely did that…but hey. After trying to keep the emotions I got from him under control all the time, I guess it was his turn to try it.
I smiled in spite of myself. Sure, I had acted like this when we first met, but that was when he was shy, not me! I wasn’t used to it now… and yet, I wanted to feel like that again. I did love Chaos, after all, and he loved me back--no use even mentioning how strong that love was now… I couldn’t even begin to fathom it, even with him right here in my arms… I guess experiencing it was the only option left.
I smiled again. I’m surprised Chaos didn’t come up with this idea first… or did he?
“Chaos?” I asked quietly, looking over at him.
His glowing emerald eyes opened slightly at my voice. “Hmm?” He distantly replied.
I grinned slightly. My suspicions had been confirmed.
“Too deep, Chaos.” I voiced my thoughts aloud, and he smiled back at me. But then I moved closer, now twining my own ethereal arm around his. Placing my hand on the side of his face, I moved in to face my sweetheart eye to eye. I could already feel the emotion visible in my expression…
This was what I wanted. I really wanted to feel that again…
“…Take me with you.”
Chaos’ expression immediately matched mine. I could feel his gorgeous green eyes on my soul as they gazed into mine…he was obviously surprised at my request. But then he smiled, that familiar, devious smile I knew and loved. His expression softened as he drew me closer.
“…Don’t I always?”
 



november 6th 2007

I stood at the edge of the drop-off and sighed. It was a beautiful, clear night…the moon was huge on the horizon, showering its ethereal light over the world. The stars above sparkled back in my eyes, and I could barely hold back sudden tears. I smiled faintly. I was moved by everything…
“Hoseki-chan.”
I jumped slightly. “Ryou?” Turning around, I suddenly came face to face with him. He smiled.
“Hi,” he said, obviously amused at my reaction.
“Hi,” I laughed, smiling also. I motioned slightly towards myself, and then sat down facing the moon. Ryou did also.
“Gorgeous night out, eh?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he replied, gazing up at the stars.
I sighed and lay back on the ground. “Ryou…do you believe in destiny?”
He glanced down towards me. “What do you mean?”
I shrugged. “You know…like things that were supposed to happen…things we couldn’t change…or stop from happening?”
Ryou smiled and lay down next to me. “You mean like us, right?”
I smiled also. “Yeah.”
“Course I do,” he replied. “What else could it be?”
“Luck?” I suggested, my smile growing.
Ryou laughed. “Then we’d have to be the luckiest people in the world, Jewel.”
“And what it we are?” I mused, lying my head back down. I closed my eyes. “I really love you, Ryou.”
He moved a bit closer to me. “I love you too, Jewel.”
I opened my eyes again and stared straight up at the moon. “You know…the last time we had a night like this, I promised you we would go flying, didn’t I?”
“Mm-hmm,” Ryou answered. He laughed. “You ended up falling asleep before we could, though.”
“Hey, links can be draining,” I retorted, laughing also. “Especially when you’ve been up since five.”
“I’d believe it,” Ryou said.
I sighed and smiled. “Yeah…but you have to admit that even without flying, it doesn’t get much better than this.”
Ryou looked up at the stars thoughtfully. “…No, I think it can.”
Surprised, I looked his way. “You think? How?”
Ryou lifted a hand and motioned towards himself. “Come over here.”
I did as he asked and moved over towards him, but came as a complete surprise when he suddenly pulled me closer and kissed me.
Some sort of shockwave rushed through my body. I let it take over and felt two wings suddenly blossom from my back.
Along with antennae and a tail, of course.
Ryou let go of me and suddenly laughed, smiling widely. “Ha!!” He proclaimed, pointing at my wings as I smiled also. “Made you go Cherubell!”
“Well, jeez,” I laughed again, brushing my hair back behind my ear in slight embarrassment. “What else was I supposed to do?”
Ryou shrugged, his expression still bright. “I don’t know, go Perfect?”
“Jeez, Ryou!!” I lightly pushed him backwards, both of us laughing. “Hey, I don’t see you going Perfect,” I playfully retorted.
Ryou smirked. “That’s because I got you. You’d have to get me if you wanted me to do that.”
“Oh, it was your plot all along, eh?” I exclaimed, as Ryou started laughing. “You’re such a sneak.”
He stopped laughing and smiled mischievously over at me. “Well…?”
I was the one to laugh now. “Jeez Ryou, you’re just like Chaos all of a sudden!” I exclaimed amusedly.
His eyes widened in interest. “Really?” He asked. “How so?”
I smiled. “Well, for starters,” I began, trying not to laugh at the memories suddenly flowing through my head, “-Look at you now.”
“What?” Ryou burst out laughing at this accusation. “I am not! Chaos would probably be on top of you by now.”
“Oh, come on Ryou, he’s not that bad,” I protested, but found myself blushing anyway. “Everyone thinks he’s such a nutcase around me, but he’s really not.”
“Then what are you accusing me of?” Ryou retorted slyly, smirking.
I opened my mouth to say something, but realized I was stuck and only laughed again. “Oh, never mind. It’s just that you had the same expression as he usually does.”
“Did I?” Ryou asked me again. “Which one?”
I could only laugh again. “Why are you asking all these questions?” I couldn’t help but ask.
Ryou shrugged and smiled embarrassedly. “I don’t know…I guess I just find it interesting.”
I smiled back. “Hmm. Well, I do too,” I answered as he laughed again. “So…” I pointed to him. “That’s the expression Chaos always has.”
“Oh,” Ryou replied, laughing harder. “That ‘Casanovic’ one.”
“Yeah,” I smiled, stifling my own laughter. “That’s basically it.”
Ryou began to quiet down, holding out an inquiring hand. “What’s with that look, anyway? It’s like his signature expression or something…”
“No clue,” I laughed aloud. “That’s just Chaos, you know. All love drunk like he is all the time…”
My boyfriend barely held back another laugh. “Tell me about it. You think I don’t notice with that nutbar around the house all the time?”
“We’re all nutbars,” I declared with a burst of pure laughter. “That’s why we all get along so fishing well!”
 



november 5th 2007

Selph… inexplicably appeared in my house a few hours later. He reminded me of a tired, homeless guy who just came in from a storm when I first saw him... he was standing about 10 feet in front of me in the living room, looking beat-down and utterly lost. Selph had actually been wasting away for nearly 10 years prior to that date, and so had lost mostly all of his sense and memory. Fortunately, all that is forgotten is not lost, and within a few months I managed to teach him the basics of "human" life and helped him remember most of his own past. Two and a half years later today, he's done a total 180 and you'd swear he wasn't the same 'Maren! 
…he's very sweet, kind, forgiving and innocent. He's also brutally honest, and although incredibly patient gets very upset when others keep doing the wrong thing in a situation. He just wants everyone to be happy. Selph is a total sweetheart. 
Besides that, he's extremely exciteable and is a diehard constant optimist-- even moreso than me. He has a real knack for cheering people up, and will stand by you forever if you need him there, no questions asked. Selph is also quite naive, also like me, and unconditionally understanding. He has a better personality than I do, although I taught him all the things he knows!  Now it's his turn to help me, and we're doing a fantastic job together.
Selph can effortlessly fly, like most Class A/Level 1 Nightmaren. He also has (very) limited control of dream environments for the same reason. He can also teleport and copy the voices of others, both to a limited extent.
He also has a secret, deadly power that is related to the gem on his chest, but he rarely if ever uses it. This is because the ability carries with it a frighteningly high risk of suicide...
In dreams, Selph has also exhibited control over the Wind element. He actually made blue wings out of it and gave me them to fly once.  Another time he snapped his fingers to make things appear out of thin air.
Selph can do a little something I call "mirror manipulation." It's not just something he can do in his cathedral (he has a couple special abilities in there alone-- and yes, he has his own cathedral ), he can do it anywhere in dreams. 
Selph can actually walk in one mirror and out another, regardless of distance. It may take a while and it's possible to get lost in there, but he's done it. Selph can also freely exist in the world of reflections; that is, the half-reality you see in mirrors. He can enter that secret world freely, but can only be seen through the mirror he entered.
I don’t know if he can move from mirror to mirror from within them yet. He hasn't tried, and I don't want him attempting anything dangerous. He says (right now, actually) that mirrors are risky business... you never know if things will turned out as planned once you're inside. You can enter one way and exit into the lost unknown, you can enter one way and get trapped indefinitely...The only mirrors Selph feels really safe with are the ones in his cathedral, and he doesn't even trust all of them.They're dream mirrors, after all... they don't all work like ours do in the waking. You can walk past one mirror and see your muse instead of youself, walk past another and see your very soul, walk past yet another and meet your darkest side...
… Chaos has been sneaking rumors to me about Selph and my relationship together-- I'm not sure where he's getting them, and he's such a loveable screwball  I'm not sure if they're 100% true, but there's a possibility we're really warming up to each other.  Dear oh dear.
 



september 14th 2007

So here I am, nearly laughing with euphoria in the middle of computer lab, actually shaking with anticipation of the IGN movie, and Selph's just doing backflips in the air, practically screaming "Daddy's back! Daddy's back!!" ♥ Selph loves his dad very much, y'know. ^^ So the two of us probably gave off enough joy around 1:00 to give everyone within a mile radius a happiness seizure. XD
 



september 10th 2007

“Darling, it’s ten o’ clock…”
He laughed. “So? The later the better, I say. That way no one will see me.”
“Oh, you sneak!!” I laughed, blushing a little. Chaos grinned, obviously agreeing with my accusation.
“Well, then…” I began shyly, looking down at the moonlit floor, “…what do you say we do?”
“This,” he replied, sliding his blue arms around my shoulders. He pulled me closer and smiled. “You don’t mind, do you?”
“Should I?”
The mischievous light in my monster’s grin disappeared, leaving him with only an innocently self-conscious smile. “I hope not,” he admitted softly, looking more defenseless than I had ever seen him. “You’re the only person who never did.” His gorgeously emerald eyes closed, and a sorrowful gratitude flooded his still-smiling features. “I guess I only ask you… because I’m still afraid of being rejected…”
I opened my mouth to protest, but he raised a blue hand and continued. “…And just hearing that one person will never do that…” He looked back up at me, the chaotic love only he could give shining in his beautiful eyes. “That means the world to me, Jewel.” The smile disappeared, leaving only those indescribable green orbs. “It really does.”
I matched his heartfelt expression with my own. “I know, Chaos. I know. …And that’s why I ask the same.”
An almost unnoticed flicker betrayed the shock in his eyes. I couldn’t help but smile slightly.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” I asked, understandingly. “Or did you just want to be reminded again?”
The trademark grin reappeared. “You read my mind, darling,” Chaos assured me, the roguish light returning to his eyes. “Want to try that again?”
I was the one to pull him closer this time. “…Do I really need to, love? …”
 



august 27th 2007

I'm still crazy over Zatch Bell, General Grievous still calls me from time to time, Celebi is still my absolute fave Pokemon and I'm still head over heels in love with Chaos Zero, Ryou Bakura, Marik Ishtar and Selph. Yeah, Selph. He kind of got to me.
 



august 13th 2007

Even today, if I find myself fighting or arguing or the like, I think-- "What would God say if he saw you doing this (and You DO!)? What would Preludove say? What would Chaos say?"
Oh, thank you a trillion times for him, God, and Ryou and Marik and Selph. All four of them have touched me so deep in my soul that, once again, I don't know where I'd be without them. Honestly. Ryou... he pretty much opened my heart to selfless love and devotion in a special way. Marik still helps me with my willpower and determination. Selph literally stands by my side and offers innocent, spot-on words of wisdom and caution. Chaos... well, Chaos changed my heart. I think You're the only one who fully understands the incredible impact he and the others have had on my life... and undoubtedly, as You're the guy who breathed life into them, too, and the one who put the potential for such things in their hearts. Hey, You put that in mine, too, I've been told. So... thanks. Thank you so, so much for everything, for everyone... thank you!!
 



august 2nd 2007

Jewel Lightraye + Ryou Bakura/ Marik Ishtar/ Chaos Zero/ Selph
I love having all this love in my life, regardless of whose it is. It's really wonderful... especially with my Links. Hee hee! *victory pose to sky* Thankyou God!!  But it's great because my Links are emotional magnets, y'know. I can feel what others feel, I can see what they see. It works better with those who have souls similar to mine, and although it's a little hard here I can still do it. It's wonderful. 
 



july 30th 2007

Nobody has dreams, they said. Nobody.
Nobody has hope, they said. Nobody.
Well, that's a lie, I say! That's the biggest lie I've ever heard.
...Good morning, by the way. My name's Jewel Wisteria Lightraye, age 17, from Pennsylvania, USA. Brown hair, brown eyes. Shattered mind. Curious soul. Lots of love and an open heart, just ask anybody. Especially Chaos. He'll tell you some stories for sure. I'm the kid who's face is next to the word "oddball" in the dictionary. Well, not really, but it would be funny. I'm loved, I'm shunned, I'm looked up to, I'm talked down to, I'm young and old at the same time. My role models are Jesus and Vash the Stampede, I'm in love with the world, Pokemon is fishing awesome, Big the Cat is not slow, Ryou and Marik deserve a break from you fangirls… nobody is ever truly evil, God is real, science fiction kicks tail, the multiverse theory is TRUE, my soulmate is a blue alien, and this is my journal.
 



march 19th 2007

something odd happened around here where I was flying around and some person showed me a small flask-think of blue liquid. They kept asking how much it meant to me, and were saying that it was either (somehow) part of Chaos 0 or the heart of Davy Jones. I replied that it didn't matter which one it was, as I loved them both very much and they meant a lot to me equally. I then took the bottle from him, but suddenly found myself back on the porch…
I went out into the back yard, and I think it was snowing. Suddenly I shouted out to no one in particular some odd wish that, I think, had to do with the power of Chaos and the will to change the weather somehow. I forget all that, sorry. The next scene is blurry, but the boys came outside and were posing for photos by the satellite dish. Diamond asked me why I wasn't coming over, but I calmly pointed out that there was a tidal wave over our house and it was about to collapse on us. Seriously. Anyway, the other boys came over too and got very nervous when suddenly it began to rain down on us. However, Viral noticed that there was something very strange about it. Sure enough, it wasn't rain at all, but non-popping bubbles! We all thought this was awesome
 



march 7th 2007 aka the eternal injoke

The next thing I know, I was in an old, dark, wooden room and was kneeling on the floor. Mom was also there and was glaring at me. Why? Because my crazy sneak of a boyfriend, Chaos Zero, was also in the room-- but only spiritually. Meaning I could see him but not my mother, as she didn't know where he was or what he was doing. (Honestly, he was standing behind her and waving at me for the heck of it!) Anyhow, mom decided she'd had enough of guessing so she either made a threat or gave an ultimatum or something that would undoubtedly cause Chaos to go over to me. Well, whatever it was, it worked, as he immediately hurried over, knelt next to me and hugged me sideways. My mom, expecting that, pointed at us and said "a-HA!" as she could now see him too. Chaos got that priceless shocked expression of his, and I did too when the next thing my mother yelled at us was to "Get a divorce!!" I told her that we weren't even married but she wouldn't drop her demand.
(for the record mom we WON'T, EVER.)