the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

 

(none of this is canon, mind you, but it's hilarious and we've been quoting it for years so enjoy)

 

 

 

Jamesprower and Maddeningtruth both took this brilliant quiz, so I decided to jump on the crazy train too.


RULES
Choose 10 of your OC's or ten of your favorite people (like friends, family, celebrities, or anyone you think is cool.) However, you can't choose yourself.

I’m picking people that my watchers would recognize.
(Click for quick pictures.)


1: Corona
2: Delphi (Not my art, but it owns.)
3: Black Rose 209
4: Rika Starz
5: Hosea
6: Chaos 0 (Not my OC or art, unfortunately.)
7: Mirage
8: Preludove (Think of a white & blue anthro bat with feathered wings.)
9: Shredist 208
10: Selph

(I apologize for my terrible art, but I don't have any good art posted online yet.)


Here we go!


1) 4 invites 3 and 8 to dinner at their house. What happens?

Rika: Thanks for coming, girls. You like Italian?
Preludove: Uh… I appreciate the gesture, but I don’t have a digestive system.
Black Rose: I’d rather strangle myself than eat your damned spaghetti.

2) 9 tries to get 5 to go to a strip club.

Shred: Come on, man. Don’t you have a camera built into your head or something?
Hosea: I’m not leaving the house, you dirty rat.

3) You need to stay at a friends house for the night. Do you choose 1 or 6?

Corona: My dad has a Cathedral, you know…
Jewel: That would be tempting, if your dad didn’t want to stab my lungs.
Delphi: *dual chainsaws*
Corona: Then why don’t you just stay with that blue guy?
Chaos 0: Bird and the fish, kid. We’re screwed.
Jewel: Plus you’re homeless anyway.
Chaos 0: I know. T_T

4) 2 and 7 are making out. 10 walks in...Their reaction?

Mirage: Um… you can stop hugging me, daddy. I can’t feel my arms.
Delphi: Not until that sorry headcase over there gets good and jealous.
Selph: Fat chance, Delphi! My dad hugs me all the time.
*five minutes later*
Selph: Dad I need a hug. ;_;
Wizeman: *sigh*

5) 3 falls in love with 6. 8 is jealous. What happens?

Preludove: I think I have more experience with men than you do, Pinky!
Black Rose: Says the girl who is currently going steady with a homicidal maniac!
Preludove: At least I don’t abuse him like you do to Shredist!
Black Rose: What the hell—we are NOT a couple! You take that back or I’ll tear your fucking face off!
Preludove: Not unless you let me date the blue guy!
Chaos 0: This is so weird.

6) 4 jumps you in a dark alleyway. Who comes to your rescue? 10, 2 or 7?

Rika: DRAW ME NOW *rage-glomp*
Jewel: Wait wait wait I have to meet a deadline first!
Selph: Hey, let her go! She’s writing the storyline, isn’t that enough?
Delphi: Speaking of unfinished artwork…
Mirage: Dad, put the chainsaws down.


7) 1 decides to start a cooking show. 15 minutes later what is happening?

Corona: And that, viewers, is how you make Nightopian soufflé.
Audience: *applause and all that*
Delphi: I’m so proud. *to random guy next to him* That’s my daughter up there, you know.
Guy: Who the hell are you?
Delphi: Corona, cook him next.

8) 5 is in a car crash and is critically injured. What does 9 do?

Shredist: I swear, officer, I wasn’t driving the car.
Hosea: *on medical stretcher* YOU JUMPED INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION, YOU MANIAC!
Shredist: Like I said, I’ve never touched a car in my life, honest to God.

9) 3 has to marry either 8,4 or 9. Who do they choose?

Rika: Black Rose and Shred-ist, sitting in a tree…
Preludove: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Black Rose: I swear, as soon as the ceremony is over, I’m going to brutally murder you two. Brutally.
Shredist: This is the best wedding ever.

10) 7 kidnaps 2 and demands something from 5 for 2's release. What is it?

Hosea: Wait, what?
Mirage: I said, either you teach me how to breakdance or my dad’s not leaving this house.
Hosea: But, um… why would I want him out of the house?
Delphi: I have all of your disco vinyls. Upstairs. In a box. And you can’t reach them.
Hosea: You manipulative son of a gun.

11) You get to meet either 1 or 6. Who do you choose?

Jewel: Heck yes. Time to introduce you to my mother, sweetheart.
Chaos 0: This is going to be awesome.
Corona: Oh, sure, everyone just ignore the Puremaren over here! *sulk*
Delphi: Want me to rev up the chainsaws, my daughter?
Corona: Please do.

12) 10 challenges 4 to a chariot race. Why?

Selph: Aha, but I bet you didn’t know that I was a chariot-racing champion back in the army!
Rika: What the heck are you talking about? And how in the world do you drive this thing?
Delphi: USE THE STICK SHIFT!

13) Everyone gangs up on 3. Does 3 have a chance in hell?

Black Rose: *spikes up her mohawk* It’s impaling time.

14) Everyone is invited to 2 and 10 wedding except for 8. How do they react?

Selph: THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. D8
Delphi: Nope, it’s not a nightmare until we get you into a dress.
Preludove: I am so glad I’m not seeing this.

15) Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Mirage: What's the matter, Chaos?
Chaos 0: Um, well... I'm kind of paranoid about your dad. He's creepier than 210, I swear.
Mirage: 210? Who's he?
210: I’m too sexy for this quiz, too sexy for this quiz, yes that’s how it is…
Delphi: *posing in a tuxedo*
Chaos 0: See what I mean?

16) 10 gathers everyone around to tell them a fairy tale. How does it go?

Selph: *takes out a script of "The Puremaren III"* I hope you guys haven’t heard this one?
Hosea: No, I don’t think I have.
Delphi: You know what? I heard that re-enactments are all the rage nowadays.

17) 1 arrives late for 2 and 10's wedding. What happens? And why are they late?

Delphi: Corona, where were you? I can’t get this insolent child to cooperate.
Corona: I’m really sorry dad, but I was busy securing the exits. And I brought the iron maiden like you wanted!
Delphi: That’s my darling girl!
Selph: God help me.

18) 5 and 9 get roaring drunk and end up at your house. What happens?

Hosea: *singing* I don’t want footshteps, following meeee!
Shredist: *falsetto solo* Foot-foot-FOOTSHTEPS!
Jewel: *dying from laughing too hard*
Chaos 0: I am so videotaping this.

19) 3, 8, 6 and 4 all go to the zoo for 8's birthday party. How does it go? What presents do they get 8?

Rika and Chaos: Happy 23rd, Preludove!
Black Rose: Whatever.
Rika: I got you a Nintendo Wii! Last one in the store!
Chaos 0: Gift cards… for EB Games!
Preludove: Wow, thanks, you guys! This is awesome stuff, but… why are we in a zoo?
Chaos 0: Because nasty purple punk-bats belong in cages.
Black Rose: You shut your trap, you mutant fairy, or we’re headed to the Smithsonian next.
Rika: Ouch.
Selph: You stole my joke! Joke stealer!

20) Everyone gets together and start protesting something outside of your house. What are they protesting? What do you do?

Corona, Black Rose and Shredist: EQUAL RIGHTS FOR VILLAINS!
Black Rose: I’m sick of all the happy endings!
Corona: Let US win for once!
Shredist: What she said!
Hosea: MORE DISCO ON YOUR PLAYLIST PLEASE.
Mirage, Selph and Rika: WE WANT ART AND WE WANT IT NOW! GET IT DONE, WE DON’T CARE HOW!
Chaos 0: DAMN IT SEGA I NEED A JOB. Oh wait, wrong rally. BUT STILL!
Preludove: WRITE PART TWELVE BEFORE MY BOYFRIEND STRANGLES YOU!
Vezerai: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!
Delphi: THE CAKE IS A LIE.
Jewel: Why are you all on my lawn?

21) 9 murders 2's best friend. What does 2 do to get back at them?

Shredist: Apple core.
Delphi: Give me more.
Shredist: Who’s your friend?
Delphi: You.
Shredist: Damn it, that’s not good.
Delphi: *EAT*
Shredist: OH MY GOD!

22) 6 and 1 are in mortal danger. Only one of them can survive. Does 6 save or 1?

Chaos 0: Man, I hate these moral dilemmas.
Corona: What the hell are you talking about?
Chaos 0: Well, I don’t want to just ditch you to die, but I promised Jewel that I’d stop being so damn suicidal like this. I’m kind of stuck.
Corona: That’s nice to know, but I’m outta here either way. Later, loser!
Chaos 0: *sigh* I hate immortality.

23) Which one of them is most likely to fail at life?

Chaos 0: ME. *sob*
Corona: Oh, stop whining about that already.
Jewel: Actually, it’s quite the opposite. Corona, you’re living your life all wrong.
Corona: And YOU shut your mouth before I staple it shut!

24) 5 is trapped in a cave. 10 comes to rescue them. What happens?

Selph: Um… how did you get stuck in a cave if you’re a cyborg, Hosea?
Hosea: My Mapquest crashed while I was on lunch break.
Selph: Wait, seriously?
Hosea: No, seriously, I tripped. Now get me out of this pit before my iPod batteries die, man.

25) 3 starts a day camp. What happens?

Black Rose: All right, now all of you are twins, correct?
Kids: Yes, miss Rose!
Black Rose: Perfect…
Shredist: I don’t even want to know what you’re doing.

26) 4,6, and 7 are doing the Hokey-Pokey. 8 walks in. What happens?

Mirage: Um… so I put my left foot in now?…
Rika: What, you mean you’ve never heard this song?
Chaos 0: Rika, you hokey-pokey like a girl.
Rika: What else do you expect me to hokey-pokey like?
Preludove: Please tell me that at least one of you is drunk.
Chaos 0: No can do, sister!
Preludove: Oh well. *joins in*

27) 1 starts to write a fan-fiction where 9 and 10 are going out. What is 2's reaction?

Corona: So then, after Selph ditches his father and kills his brothers, he ends up in the Inversion dimension where he meets Shredist in a run-down bar on the wrong end of town…
Delphi: Keep writing. This is perfect blackmail material.

28) 7 makes an apple pie. Is it any good?

Rika: *takes a bite of the pie* Wow! Mirage, did you really make this?
Mirage: Mm-hmm. I got the recipe from my sister's cooking show.
Delphi: I can cook up a prizewinning fricassee if anybody cares.

29) 8 and 3 go camping. For some reason they forget to bring any food. What do they do?

Black Rose: What do you mean you forgot the food?
Preludove: I run on dream energy, not food! If you needed food then you should have brought it yourself. I can’t read your mind.
Black Rose: *growls* Unfortunately for you, I run on anything that can be considered edible.
Preludove: Why are you looking at me like that?

30) While they are camping, they run into The Blair Witch. What do they do? (If you haven't seen that movie pretend they ran into the Boogeyman or something like that instead.)

Candle Jack: *appears out of nowhere*
Preludove and Black Rose: DON’T TYPE HIS NA

31) The quiz is over. What does everyone go to do now?

Preludove: Well, back to my normal job, I guess.
Hosea: *puts on his headphones and dances off*
Rika: I’m back to fighting you guys, actually.
Black Rose: Hey, this situation isn’t our fault.
Shredist: If you want to beat up anyone, go beat up Sonic or something.
Selph: CHAOS SAVE ME FROM THESE LUNATICS! T_T
Chaos 0: No worries, buddy. Corona forgot to block off one of the back doors.
Corona: Where did that simpering has-been run off to now?
Mirage: Shouldn’t you just let him go?
Delphi: He jilted me. I will have my vengeance. *chainsaws*




Happy new year, kids.

 

 

 

Current Mood: Hopeful

 

Current Music: Oracion

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aegisshipping fanfic notes.


~Oracion~
(rough)

I followed her home that night.
It was one of the few things I had never dared attempt before… had never risked such a chance, but had always dreamed of it. Had always hoped for it.
It was a modest house, small but lovely, not too far from the garden itself. It surprised me how I had never known.
Small… two floors, a few balconies, flowers. It was typical of the city, but to me it was truly unique. To me it was truly special, as I knew who lived there. I was lucky enough.
The hour was late. I glanced up at the Space-Time towers, trying not to remember what had happened there almost a year ago. It was a few minutes after 9PM…
Slowly, silently, I faded into the shadows of the street, effortlessly gliding through the dark. I was invisible then, still hoping desperately that I would not be seen. I couldn’t understand why I was so nervous, even as I found the window I had been searching for. I quietly slipped through and materialized against the near wall, hoping I wouldn’t disturb her sleep.
Alice.
For years I had mistaken her as her grandmother. Alicia, her name had been. It wasn’t until that fateful day last year that I learned who she really was.
It didn’t change anything.
A few minutes passed then, as I did nothing but watch. The young woman did not awaken, did not seem to be suffering any nightmares. I was glad to see that, I realized as I took a cautious step closer. I didn’t want to cause her any pain.
Cautiously, with that thought in mind, I reached forward with a single shadowy hand, finally resting it softly on her head. I closed my icy eyes then, and hoped that for once in my life, I could cause a good dream…


“Tonio, hurry up! You’re going to get lost!” I laughed.
Of course, I knew that wasn’t true, as we had been playing together in this garden since we were children… but the weather was beautiful, I was happy, and I couldn’t help but tease him.
I laughed once more as I turned the corner and entered my favorite area of the garden: the large pond where so many strange events had been triggered, almost a year ago. I slowed down to gaze into its azure depths, the mirrored surface reflecting the clear sky back to me with a wink. I laughed again, indulging in life’s simple pleasures. “Tonio, have you ever seen such a beautiful day?” I sighed happily, lost in the glittering waters.
The silence caught me by surprise. “Tonio?” I began worriedly, and turned around to greet only empty air. “Tonio, where are you?”
I felt the first shiver of panic run down my spine as I ran to the other side of the clearing. He had been here just a second ago… could he have really gotten lost? Considering this, I was about to run back into the wooded area to search for him when I felt something strange. My nervousness spiking, I whirled around once more and noticed the dark creature where I had been only moments before. I recognized him at once.
“…Darkrai?” I began in disbelief, but my nerves had already begun to relax. Darkrai was a close friend of mine, after all. I had no reason to fear.
“Darkrai, have you seen Tonio?” I ventured, hoping my old friend could give me an answer, but once again my only reply was silence. Had he heard me?
“…Darkrai?” I tried again, when I suddenly heard him sob.
Shocked and now more worried than before, I quickly ran over to the nightmare monster’s side. Had I done something wrong? Was it something I said? My mind was racing, but Darkrai didn’t even open his eyes. I would have thought he was ignoring me if I didn’t feel so strange then. I tried once more.
“Darkrai… are you all right?”
“…No.”
I jumped slightly, not just at his immediate answer but because I didn’t expect so much pain in his voice. My expression softened in concern, and I took another step towards him, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. He was shaking slightly. “Darkra—”
I gasped in surprise as his shadowy arms suddenly pulled me close—too close, I realized almost immediately. It felt as if he was holding on to me for dear life, as if he feared I would fade away if he let me go in the slightest. I noticed what the shaking was, too… he was crying. Silently, sure, but there was nonetheless a terrible sorrow emanating from him as he held me close. Unsure what else to do, I slowly put my arms around his shadowy form as well, as his embrace tightened a little more.
I was completely confused and worried at the same time… Darkrai had never acted like this before. I could help but wonder why—
My heart skipped a beat as he suddenly let go, gently pulling me away to stand facing him once more. A single tear fell from his star-blue eyes, something I had never seen before, but held me transfixed. I couldn’t possibly break away from those pained eyes, even as I suddenly felt his black claws move from my shoulders to my face, softer than I could have imagined.
“Alice…” he began quietly, as I helplessly felt tears well up in my own eyes.
“…You’re my Oracion.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~masquerade notes~

“Kaze ni Notte”

(music playing)
(Alice & Tonio are dancing & laughing)
(person at microphone) “All right, everyone, time to switch partners!”
Tonio: I’ll see you, Alice!
Alice: See you, Tonio!
(almost immediately a black-gloved hand takes Alice’s)
Alice: Oh… hi… *surprised*
???: *smiling* Hey. What’s your name?
Alice: Alice—oh!
???: *has just done that dance move where you both move backwards while holding one hand* I’m Derek. Derek Nox. *pulls her close into a waltz position*
Alice: *laughing* It’s a pleasure to meet you, Derek.
Derek: No, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Alice. I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl as beautiful as you… and I’ve been dancing here all night! *laughs*
Alice: *also laughing lightheartedly* Oh, I’m sure you say that to every girl you meet, Derek.
Derek: *looking away slightly* No… I don’t. *turns back to Alice, his expression is very sincere but sad*
Alice: … *flattered but unsure how to react*
(Just now, Alberto dances by them with a human-disguised Cresselia; she’s laughing and having a good time while he’s struggling to keep up)
Derek: …Alice?
Alice: Yes?
Derek: Would you mind… meeting me after the dance? *quickly* Just after this song is over—by the windows, overlooking the town. Would you mind?
Alice: Oh, no, I wouldn’t mind.
Derek: *smiles* Thank you, Alice.
(announcer again) All right, everyone! Let’s switch partners one more time!
Derek: I guess I’ll be seeing you, then?
Alice: Uh-huh. It was nice meeting you, Derek.
Derek: I’m glad I met you, too, Alice.
(He gently swings her over to the right and lets go of her hands—as soon as he does, the music stops.)
Alice: … (Looks strangely lost as Tonio takes her hand again and they go back to dancing)

“
--garden scene—rough notes.
(this is later on in the scene.)

Derek: *sighs, looks down noticeably, looks very distressed* Alice, I’ve missed you so much…
Alice: *slight laugh, but unsurely* But—Derek, you just saw me last night. *after a slight vocal catch* We just met last night!
Derek: *shakes head vehemently, continues quickly* No, Alice, you don’t understand—!
Alice: *is silent, a little concerned but very curious*
Derek: *after a heavy pause* I’ve… seen you around before. I live in this city, too, of course… and we’ve actually crossed paths several times, whether you remember those times or not. *visibly upset now* I’ve always been watching you from afar, Alice. You’re one of the most kind, amazing people I’ve ever had the honor to know, but never personally. I’ve always dreamed of being able to meet you like this, just to tell you how much I admire you, and how much you’ve grown to mean to me. *sighs again, but very sadly* I’m sorry if this seems sudden to you…
Alice: *quickly, apparently she’s sympathetic* No, Derek, I’m the one who should be sorry! I had… no idea. I wish I had known; maybe I could have—
Derek: *cuts her off* It’s all right. I just… have one question for you, Alice.
Alice: *softly, it’s apparent she’s beginning to open up to him* Yes?
Derek: *visibly very nervous* It’s… actually about the garden we’re in… have you ever heard of a Pokemon named Darkrai? I’ve heard so many people talking about it, and I’ve been wondering if you know anything about—
Alice: *cuts him off now* Oh no, he’s not anything like what they say! I… I’ve actually met him before, and—
Derek: You have?
Alice: *nods* Yes, several times. He’s not evil like everyone seems to think… he’s actually… he saved my life when I was a little girl. *smiles, laughing* He saved my life again just last year, too!
Derek: Really?
Alice: Yeah… *nostalgic smile* I’m glad I got to know him.
Derek: It sounds like he cares about you.
Alice: *seems slightly surprised, then seems to ponder this* He might… *straightens up* Well, I care about him. He’s a good friend of mine, and I don’t want to see anything bad happening to him… so if you ever hear anyone speaking ill of him again, you let them know the truth, all right?
Derek: Do… do you really mean that?
Alice: *slightly indignant* Of course I do! Why wouldn’t I?
Derek: *closes eyes tightly, apparently fighting off tears, then looks down again* Alice…
Alice: *softening immediately, worried* Yes, Derek?
Derek: … *reaches up with his right hand, runs it through his hair from the back and, in doing so, pulls a fair amount down over his right eye*
Derek: …If he ever told you that he loved you… *looks up at her, openly crying now, right hand still in his hair* …Do you think you could try and love him back?
Alice: *the sudden resemblance strikes her immediately, obviously shocked, but her expression isn’t harsh—it’s understanding* Darkrai?

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know.
Something is apparently dreadfully wrong with my personality.

Everyone gets fed up with me so quickly. I wish I knew what I was saying, what I was doing wrong, so I could fix it.


My mother was complaining to me today that all I ever do is talk about how frustrated I am with my weight... I've been really packing on the pounds lately and it's driving me mad.

Oh no no no, it's not because I'm trying to attract people... it's not because I want to 'look pretty'...

It's because most women have this body shape and I loathe it.
I'll never be able to pass as anything else if I don't lose these freaking curves and fast.

Plus, I can't exactly tell my mother how Laurie and Julie taunt me about my size, either.
Julie and her manipulation... accusations.
Laurie telling me the painful truth, over and over until I can't stand myself because I keep ignoring it.


I can't tell my mother about most of my problems ... can't tell anyone, honestly... because if I did, they'd lock me up in a mental hospital like they did to my brother because he was suicidal.
Except, for me, I'd be locked up for an entirely different and much more dangerous reason.


Despite what everyone thinks, I don't hate anyone...

...but I'm afraid I'm beginning to hate myself.

 

 

Did I ever tell you guys about the time, a few months back already, when Laurie slapped me in the face and hugged me both within five minutes?

Yeah. She was crying for that, actually, which I've only seen her do one other time. It was also the first time we've ever made real physical contact of any sort.



Laurie hasn't done either of those things again since then, but... I figured it was worth mentioning.

 

 

Very, very quick update as it's one minute to-- oh, never mind. It's 4AM.

Anyway, how have you been?
I know I said I was starting over back in October... well, I did. Yes, I actually followed through immediately for once!
It took a lot of work, a lot of experimentation, far too many risks, far too many battles, and far too much pain, but... I've begun to find my happiness again.
Little things, right now, but they're helping.


Now about the title... my Jirachi plushie is sitting to my left so I decided to put her nickname up there.
You know... "The wishing star of seven nights." It just struck me as very inspirational all of a sudden.

I think about that, too, and I wonder.
If I had a wish... three wishes, maybe, or just one... what in the world would I wish for?
Realistically, you know. It's like the Genie from Aladdin said: "I can't kill anyone, I can't make anyone fall in love with you, and I can't bring anyone back from the dead!" Limits, you know.
But is that all?
I don't think it's possible, at all, to have world peace or end world hunger or do anything huge like that through a wish, no matter how badly I may want it. You'd be manipulating too much, changing too much at once. It's impossible.
Same with salvation and stuff like that... you can't wish for it, only work for it!
So what would I wish for, that I really need?
I mean, I can think of things that I want, but can't we all?
What do I really need?


I'm not too sure, actually.
I could wish for peace in my family... for my mother to finally have a house, for my aunt to stop suing us.
I could wish for my father to stop drinking and smoking, to get back on track with his life... I could wish for my family to stop hating him.
I could wish for my grandparents to have good health for years to come. No cancer... no heart attacks...
I could wish for my brothers to grow up without experiencing what I had to experience. I could wish for them to get great jobs and careers and marriages and so they never have headvoices like I do.
I could wish for my friends to find peace and happiness, too. I'm not too sure what I could say for Ben, but I could wish for Jim to recover from his painful past... I could wish for Q to finally find someone that fits him, that he can have a life with... I could wish for Vickie to find happiness.
I could wish for Julie to go away forever.
I could wish for enough money for college, for surgery, to pay the bills.
I could wish for so much... but what do I really need?


The truth is, I don't know.


And that is why I think that, if I ever had a wish, I'd probably wish for it to be given to someone else... someone wiser, someone who had better insight and foresight and hindsight, who knew what they were doing and weren't bloody-eye blind like I am, crazy white irises and all. Can't see a damn thing anymore with all these tears and hallucinations. I wonder how Justice does it.

But yes. I honestly don't know what I'd do.


Well... maybe I'd wish for a little more self-worth, so I stop thinking I don't deserve anything at all.

But I think I'd be happier going it alone, you know... running like always.
Life's an adventure. I can't stop, I can't cheat, I refuse to take the easy way out.
I make it hard on myself, but I like it this way.


Maybe I'd wish that I never lose faith.
I want to be able to keep running... to keep trying, to keep hoping and dreaming and inspiring... and wishing.
I want to never lose sight of where I ultimately want to be.


Is that selfish?
Could I do better with a wish?

Solomon wished for wisdom, and I could really use that, too.
I want to be just, I want to be fair, I want to live better for the sake of others...



But I don't know. Today's world is so crazy, I... could I do something for them directly, or... I don't know.



Geez.



Jirachi, dear, go give someone else a wish.






When daytime turns to night,
When the moon shines bright,
When you're tucked in tight,
And everything's alright

Slip softly to that place,
Where secrets thoughts run free,
And there come face to face,
With who you want to be!

So, swim across the ocean blue;
Fly a rocket to the moon!
You can change your life
Or you can change the world!
Take a chance, life is yours to live!

Make a wish!
It's up to you!
Find the strength inside, and watch your dreams come true!
You don't need a shooting star.
The magic's right there in your heart!
Close your eyes
Believe...and make a wish!

 

 

 

 

Someone else just put a bet down on a Darkrai plushie I'm watching on eBay.
I hope I still get this.

Hm... what else?

Oh yes.

My fifth anniversary this Tuesday, remember? I finally decided what I'm going to draw for it.
I had this idea for a deviation months ago, but I never drew it as I didn't know what I wanted to use it for. Well, this fits.
It's going to be titled "Burn Away."
No more hints. I'll give you the link when it's done.

I need to work on Sonic Inversion tonight, too, as Viral is actually off Warcraft for a little while, and it's not time for Darkrai yet.
*John Freeman voice* IT'S NOT TIME.

Geez, my attention problem is rampant today, which isn't fun.
Oh well. See you later with an update on the ghost-guy!

 

Current Music: "Kaze no Message [Poka Poka Remix]" (Mai Mizuhashi)

 

 

 

Good heavens, it's early.

Anyway, quick update.

I'm a bit paranoid about being 'labeled' on the Internet. I go by a default username on virtually every website I visit, and I need someplace to go where I can just be 'me,' away from expectations and wary eyes.
Seriously, I don't like being stereotyped. Not cool, man.

So I'm trying to go back to being Celebi.
Yes, you heard me. I was happy and healthy back then, two things which I am not very much of now.
So... I'm trying to get all that back. I hope I do!




Oh wait, by the way-- I forgot to tell you guys!

I decided to splurge a little bit for Christmas.
I don't want much as usual, but I figured "hey, I've been in a major depression since last Christmas-- why don't I actually get myself something this year?"

Well...
If I win, I'm getting a 15" Darkrai plushie for Christmas.

*points to Entei icon*
Exactly.

Be happy... IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WISH *shot*


I'm going to get Darkrai in the mail and I am going to hug him and my Celebi and my Jirachi until I feel better. It will work.

Coincidentally, I think I'm buying him from the same bidder I got Jirachi from! Awesome!
I got Celebi for my 13th birthday, straight from Pokemoncenter.com. I love her so much. *hugs*


Oh, and it's highly amusing whenever I log out of eBay, now.
It throws all these banners at me screaming "DON'T LET THESE GET AWAY!" and every single item shown is a Darkrai plushie.
I see what you did there.
DON'T GUILT-TRIP ME INTO BUYING ALL OF THEM DARN YOU.


Have a good night, kids. It's 2 freaking AM over here.


--------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 03:43 pm

Looks like I'm going to have to put some more money in the Paypal.

Seriously, thanks to this lovely Pokemon high I'm on, my nigh-obsessive love for Celebi has hit a fever pitch again.
Dear heavens, but I really do adore her. I can honestly consider her a muse!

I first discovered her in January/February 2001, on poke2.com (my second home, practically). Originally, though, I actually disliked her! Why? Because her Japanese name, Serebii, was quite similar to one of my Jewel Monsters' names!
I got over that initial dislike very fast, though, and immediately wrote Celebi into the Pokemon/Dream World crossover comic I was drawing at the time. It snowballed from then on.
For my thirteenth birthday, I had a Celebi cake, and for presents I got a small PVC figure of her (which I never opened), a glow-in-the-dark figure of her (which is on my bedside dresser to this day), and a 12'' plushie of her (which I am hugging right now).
I drew her constantly, more than any other Pokemon... I have over 70 pictures of her (yes I counted). I used her name as my screenname, I considered her my 'alternate persona' to an extent.
However, the one thing I wanted the most at that time was a card of her!

I finally bought my first Celebi card about 2 years ago-- a Japanese version of this Neo Revelation release.
I also have a promo Celebi ex, but that's it.

My demented little dream is to one day own every single Celebi card ever produced.
No I'm not kidding.
I can have crazy little dreams too.

Besides, I owe her that much.

On eBay right now, someone is selling the newer Pokepark promo, the holo movie promo from the beautiful Darkrai movie set, and the Space World promo that is quite hard to find. (EDIT:: Got 'em both!)
That's why I need to put money in the bank ASAP-- I don't know when I'll get the chance to snag those again, if ever.

I want this card more than any other, though. You can guess why.
First person I see selling it for a reasonable price, I am jumping on it. No exceptions.
(EDIT:: Got her. ♥)


Hm.. you know, besides Celebi, my top favorite Pokemon are Mewtwo, Mew, and Jirachi. All legendaries, haha!
I don't like him for their "superpower" status, though. No, I love 'em all for deeply personal reasons, like the Celebi story I just told you.

For Mewtwo, I have two Mewtwo movie promos, the Rocket's Mewtwo card, and the Mewtwo holo from the original set.
For Mew, I have the Ancient Mew card, the original Mew promo, the non-holo Mew ex, two more promo Mews, the Legend Maker holo and another Holo from Skyridge, I think.
Lastly, for Jirachi, I have the movie promo, the Deoxys holo, and the Jirachi ex (which I got in a pack-- I almost died when I saw her!)

I bought most of those, with about three recieved by trades and the others being promo giveaways.
But yeah... Celebi is a rare little bugger! *hugs her again* You crazyhead you.
I'd like to buy those cards on eBay today, but my Darkrai doll doesn't end bidding until Monday so I have to wait. Oh well.


...I need to make a Celebi mood theme for this journal.
But, I have to go out and shovel snow first! See you!

Taking a break from reality again.
I do this at least once a week now... today was an emergency, otherwise I wouldn't be here on a Thursday night.
Explanation. Apparently, I missed an orchestra rehearsal on Tuesday, so now I can't play in tonight's concert.
Well, that just crushed me. Why? Because I'm so freaking unreliable. People count on me for things... little things, big things... and I let them down.
Why?
It hurts terribly, I'll say that now, but it hurts even more when people brush it off, forgive me... still trust me.
Called my grandmother about 10 minutes ago to give her the news. Expected a guilt trip... got a "that's okay" and no complaints. Hung up and almost burst into sobs.
I still don't know why people are always so nice to me.
And that's another thing that gets me.
I'd do the exact same thing for anyone else, no ifs ands or buts. That's how I work, I run on unconditional love. So why am I so shocked, so stunned, when someone gives it back to me?
Personally, I think it's an unlucky combination of excessive guilt and malformed humility... as well as a painfully low expectation standard from the world.
It's weird: sometimes I feel that I'm the only one who should be treated unkindly... but I only think that as a scapegoat wish, as a strange hope that if I take all this negativity onto myself alone, then no one else will have to suffer it.

...Selph is worried about me. He's sitting across the table, with the most concerned look on his face. Man but I love my muse... I really need to draw him more.
(Cue a giftart guilt trip...)
Even so. Just like the Bible says, all this guilt and sadness has had a very positive aftereffect. I'm trying extremely hard to do better.
I have 6 tracks tow rite for FFN-- that's it-- and my first self-imposed deadline is Christmas. I want at least 2 done then.
See, I have a horrible OCD habit of getting things done last-minute and last-minute only... it's not good. But if I play it to my advantage, I can get all this work done on time regardless.
But this is no time to rant about that. I have a medium green tea latte to finish and many sketches to do first.
For just a little longer... I'd like to stay in my peaceful interim. My escape.

Geez...
...I can't wait until Monday.

 

 

I want a future.

Except, now, I'm not sure if I'm going to have one.

No, I don't just mean personal problem-wise... I mean world-wise.
Sure, we're having financial problems at home, but so is most of the nation.
Sure, my parents are divorced and my mom virtually hates my dad, but at least they're not abusive to us and each other.
Sure, we have it rough sometimes, but at least we have jobs and enough food and running water and all that. Some people don't.

So I'm worried about all those people who are more unfortunate than I am... it really does hurt, to think about it.
I try to help, I want to help so much...

...But the news keeps coming on.
My grandmother keeps talking.

Bombings and shootings and death threats and kidnappings... arson and murder even in our own hometown cities.
Slander, scandal, mindless sex and violence, drug abuse and apathy. That's all you see on the TV, and I'll admit it's scaring me.

I was on Newgrounds yesterday (I think)... there was this hideously realistic Flash about nuclear war... dear Lord. I was shaking, literally shaking after I watched that. It was so freaking real it wasn't even funny.
To imagine that... to imagine the hell that the Japanese were forced to endure so many years ago... it's too much for me to bear.
Just an ordinary day until suddenly the flash and the flames appear, searing through the city, decimating everything, killing men and women and children instantly. Bombs know no mercy.

Why do we do it?
Why are we even capable of doing this?


My grandmother keeps talking about the end of the world... keeps spitting prejudice, too.
She keeps talking about the alleged bombs that will fall. Keeps talking about the death and disease and suffering.
Says that we should drop them ourselves... why? I don't see why we would even want to consider throwing the first stone of annihilation.
She hates homosexuals. Vehemently. She also seems to loathe Hispanics, and talks down to black people quite a bit too.
Why?
Why in the world would you hate a fellow human being-- who, by a simple switch of birthplace or skin pigment amount-- would suddenly and ironically earn your respect?
We're all human, regardless of anything. We all have souls... we all have the same potential. We all can feel, so why aren't we more empathetic?
I don't know where all this hate comes from. I really don't.


...


Geez, I have to get to class... got to work towards that diploma, you know?



I desperately hope that I will have a future to use it in.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 06:04 pm

 

 

Mom keeps insulting me... calling me by my father's name.
She hates my father.
Does she hate me?

I hope not.
Please, God, don't let her hate me.
I just... don't want to have caused such vice.

Let me know
what I can do
to finally bring peace
to this house



if that's possible.

 

 

 

I don't know why I'm posting again so soon.

I have, what, seven other places where I could be writing this. Oh well, here goes.


Man... I can see why kids my age are already shooting themselves up.
High school was a cakewalk, honest, but college is just so much more responsibility. Can't go pulling my old tricks, haha.
I used to run all-nighters, sleep on the bus, doze off in class all day, get notes from classmates at lunch (if they'd listen to me), sleep on the bus ride home and then do it all over again, practically.
That's no longer an option, though! Can't exactly sleep when you're driving yourself to classes, can you now. That and classes run for 3 hours apiece so I can't go getting notes from whats-his-face or miss anonymous during lunch hour, no sir. Playtime is over, now I'm in it with the big shots and I really don't know how I make it through the days now.


It's selfish, I know. It's terrible.

I know people who don't even have jobs... who are worrying about insurance and bills and all that, and my heart goes out to them but then I have the freaking nerve to complain myself. Jerk.

My pain is nothing, sir. Nothing. I live on pain, now, so I'd better get used to it and fast.


Hmm.

I'm kind of hallucinating here. I don't see things often, but sounds get all warped and weird... and I feel things. Too clearly. I feel things more than anything else, and that freaks me out. I wish I could see them instead. I don't know what's up with that.

I also have NO chronological sense whatsoever right now. It's not just this morning, though. This has been happening rather frequently over the past week or so and I wish I knew why.
Things happen last night and they feel as if they happened days ago. Hours ago seem like minutes ago... years ago seem like the other day.
I do things, and an hour later I forget that I did them... or I dissociate.

Dear Lord, the dissociation.

It's a little frightening now, as it's starting to happen with Julie, too, instead of just Laurie.
They hack me, do things, I throw them out and get it back... and about fifteen minutes after I regain control I look back... and it's like I'm watching a freaking documentary! That isn't me, that wasn't me.
But not in a denial sense... that isn't me. I've dissociated that much now, and that scares me a little.


In other news, I've considered leaving.

No, not another 5-week dA hiatus... not another faux journal purging, not another pseudo-screenname to hide behind. No sir.
I want to leave.

I don't know how, or where, or when, but I want out.

I want to disconnect from life, I guess... take a break from everything. Hit the 'eject' button, put a different game disc in there for a while. A whole new memory card... a crystal-clear save file.
I would love that.
But...


I read a quote online last night (I assume), I don't know where... went something like this.

"Where can I escape to if no one understands?"


It's true.
I've thought of it before... moving out, leaving. I'll need to one day anyway.
The problem is... whether I go to Britain or Switzerland or India or Taiwan or Canada or Finland or the USSR... it's still here.

I want out of here.

Somewhere... somewhere better. It's got to be out there somewhere.
My heart just can't accept the lone earth theory.



Mercy me but I feel weird right now. Ton of chest pain, and I'm all dizzy and stuff. Geez.
This happens a lot recently, and that can't be good...
...I don't mean to scare you kids, but I really feel like I'm dying.

I've never felt like that before. Like I'm dying.
I mean, sure, in some life-threatening situations the thought has burned its bloody face into my mind like a screaming freight train, but never in such a passive sense as this... typing at my laptop at 7AM, you idiot, "hey that's funny it kind of feels like i'm dying."

What the heck, seriously.
But it's true.


Speaking of medical bills, I still need surgery and have no idea how I'm going to pay for it. That worries me greatly. I don't even want to consider what will happen to me if I don't get these procedures done.
I've... seen and heard some 'previews,' so to speak. They're not good.
I'm really terrified of that.


Oh but I love going off topic.

<insert more chest pain here>



I feel so completely lost and empty for some reason... I can't stop thinking about the string theory and relativistic jets and the Fermi paradox and just how massive the universe is and... I don't know.
It hits me out of the blue, now. I'll be sitting in class, or staring out a car window, or whatever... and all of a sudden I'll get this massive POV extension of sorts... like I'm no longer me, sitting in a house or car, but like I'm me, existing in some arbitrary point in the Milky Way in this huge cosmic latte that we call reality... it's crazy.
I was crying, the other day. Me, crying! Just like that! I was standing in my room, I think, when it hit me like a bolt from the blue and I just had to support myself against the wall and sob for a few minutes... I didn't even know why.
It was a Johnny reaction, I think. You know... "I can't help but feel the effects of it all... the distance, and... and it hurts."
It does hurt, because all I ever feel is distance. How small I am. How much I don't know, how much I'll never know.

My greatest fears?
Damnation, sex, and event horizons.
It's true.


Still miss Vickie to the point where I'm hurting every day... still love Jimmy and I actually think he knows, which is kind of frightening, but I guess I don't mind too much.
I don't know if Ben knows that I love him too. I think he might suspect something, but eh. I'm happy. Yes sir.

On that note, actually.
Thanksgiving dinner, right? I'm sitting there for a moment, just letting my mind wander as usual, and then mum goes to my grandmother: "hey do you remember we were talking about girls who fall in love with guys who are MUCH older than they are?"
Cue a conveniently timed coughing spell on my part! Ahahaha.
IT'S ONLY A FEW THOUSAND YEARS AGE DIFFERENCE

Maaan but I've been leaving far too many hints. Mum said something just the other day, actually... something about love and society-placed boundaries or something... but I made a quiet comment stating that I had far too many of those to break (newsflash:: I have this horrible, horrible habit of saying things like that aloud. Q if you remember, when you were at my house I was mumbling all this stuff about amoebas? Yeah, that was one of those times. Very very bad habit. It's the result of no one listening but I need to say something anyway) and I think she may have heard me, uh-oh.

I'm just waiting for her to ask some ridiculously fun question that I can give a ridiculously insane answer to.
You know, like "so are you gonna have kids?" Thank God, though, she at least acknowledges the fact that I am vehemently against my ever doing anything to get kids, although my grandparents aren't. Eh. Makes me sick.

Random update it's raining outside did you know? Beautiful. I wish I could call off sick today and go stand in it for an hour or two.
Absolution from the sky. Inspiration. Also I remember the song lyrics.

"When the silver rain falls, think of it as me
And wipe away your tears..."

But seriously. I'm sick of this whole thing with "Oh, you're in love, so you must be dating and/or making out and/or planning marriage and/or engaging in stereotypically romantic activity, yes???"
Hate to burst your bubble, ma'am, but no we're not. I'm not, with anyone, ever, so that question is null anyway, but yeah. For the person (?) in question, no. None of that for us especially. I am so worn out right now it's not even slightly amusing.
Also nobody really knows that I am a flaming xenophile so that's kind of a monkey wrench in the equation... man, I can only imagine the looks I'd get if I ever admitted THAT in public. "Yeah, I am seriously attracted to sexless humanoids..."
Oh, and a rather embarrassing off-topic note... when I was younger, I almost got into BDSM but when I realized that BDSM kind of involved sexual behavior, then I was like "oh okay then no thanks." Gehehe.
But yeah. Personality + morals + mental trauma + biological disgust = total antisexual over here.

ON I go with the ranting. I swear I have no idea how I do that. Geez. I probably just need to vent.

Oh, I forgot, my Commix CD finally arrived at my bookstore, wahoo! I'll go pick it up today, have a spiced latte and sketch for an hour or so (the more time away from the family fights the better) and then blast Emily's Smile all the way back to my hometown. Can't wait!
You know, Jimmy loves that song. I wonder if I should randomly send him the actual mp3 or something. Hm.


I'm more of a pain addict than ever now. Why? I have a few ideas.
It does hurt, though, that my mom is mocking me.
She gets my grandmother angry, then runs over to her in that parody-ish way of hers, holds out her arms and whines "hit me!" over and over until my grandmother gets sick of her and leaves.
It really does hurt, you know.
I am NOT doing this for attention. I am NOT doing this for pity or sympathy or anything of the sort. No, I would have been happier if you never knew.
I am doing this for punishment... for symbolic absolution... and because it is one of the few things left keeping me sane.
The shock of ice-cold pain I get... it chases all the shadows away.


Man, this is so surreal. Yesterday was Sunday? Geez...


But seriously...

I haven't worn my binders in about two weeks and I'm dying here.
I feel like such a whore, if you'll pardon my language. They used to shut Julie up, too, but no... now that my grandmother has finally realized that I am wearing them under my clothing and that they're not exercise garments, she refuses to let me wear them or anything else of the sort. And that stings. Badly.

Woman, I paid eighty bucks out of my pocket for those to help save my sanity and personality, and you're going to say I can't wear them because then I don't look like a woman?? What the hell?

First off, if you think all women have huge chests (which I frankly find absolutely disgusting) and super-shapely figures, you're dead wrong. (Also, no, Barack Obama is NOT the antichrist, but we won't get into that now.) Very few people look like that, and I do NOT want to be one of them.

Secondly, I do not care about attracting men. And no, mom, I am NOT trying to pick up women by wearing suits and cutting my hair short. I'm trying to erase as much personal feminine stereotype from my mind so I won't blindly accept every lie you give me just because you're family. That does not mean you're right, unfortunately.

Thirdly, I'M A FREAKING FTN ASEXUAL FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES. And yeah, mom, I'm NOT kidding, and I would appreciate it if you would kindly stop putting motives in my mouth. Thank you.


I swear, one day I think I'm just going to say "mom, I'm in love with a 'fictional' humanoid" just for the shock value and honesty points, but even then I doubt she'll take me seriously... ahaha, but then again, if I keep leaving the Sonic Adventure DX case out where she can compare it to my computer background and the sticker on my laptop (oh geez I guess I'm not keeping this a secret very well) then she might first say "hmmm, they look strangely similar" and then she might think "hmmm, what if she wasn't kidding?" And THEN she might think "hmmm, I wonder if she was lying about Davy Jones?" XD For the record, no, I wasn't. Davy and I are just friends. I'm not an unashamed flirt like you are with Will Turner (who is MARRIED mind you) and besides Davy already has Tia so I won't interfere with that and how in heaven's name did I get into a PoTC rant? Man. But hey! First mention of the 2006 mayhem in my LJ! Awesome.

But yes. My laptop background is actually my newest dA scrap, edited so it's horizontal w/o text... and there's a sticker on my laptop that says "I ♥ Chaos" and I (of course) took my Sharpie and wrote "zero" under that word, so... yeaaaah. Someone is going to suspect something. And I'm off topic again.



What was the topic?


Oh yes.


Burnout.




I honestly hope I make it to tomorrow.


Gotta finish my assignments first, though...




--------------------------------------------------------------


@ 05:37 pm

 

...I'm feeling quite strange.

Still chronically tired. Still chronically sick.
Julie won't shut up, and that's beginning to scare me. She's never been this loud ever before, and she's been here since I was a tiny kid... I really wish I could get her out. I really do.

Laurie and I have been trying... we have a ton of friends helping, too. I'm praying constantly, but I think God wants me to fight her on my own. You know, learn to shoot her down with my own strength.
I'm sure I can do it, it's just... well, I sincerely wish I could do that without her doing these horrible things to me all the time.


By the way, I'm still having problems with my 'coming out,' so to speak.
My mother has developed an awful habit now that she knows I will hopefully be a future FTN. Every chance she gets, she starts screaming about it, making a big deal out of it... My grandmother ignores her and acts like nothing has happened, but that's probably because she refuses to accept it.
I'm so sorry that I'm hurting them with this, but I can't live any other way. I just can't.

The argument seems to be, "God made you female and gave you these physical features so you'd better keep them or you're committing a mortal sin."
Well, my counterattack is always "remember where the Bible says, 'if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off?' That's what I'm doing."

Seriously. If Julie won't shut up, I'll make her shut up.
Plus, I'm already an asexual-antisexual celibate, so I don't need any of this junk anyway.



Why am I ranting about this again?



Oh well. That's kind of besides the point.

I'm really worried because I feel that I'm fading.
You know... dying. Slipping away.
I'm beginning to feel more and more disconnected and lost, and I don't know why. I wish I did.

I'm losing friends, and I've never had many to begin with. I made my first genuine friends last autumn, and I almost lost them. As much as I love them, I almost lost them.

I keep making the same mistakes and forgetting who I am...

What in the world is wrong with me?




No time to lament over that now, though. I do have two assignments to continue working on.


I hope your day is better than mine.

 

 

 

 

So today I decided to draw a picture of three very special people... ♥




RYOU BAKURA:
...has infinite seniority rights, as we've been together for over six years now, and he hasn't complained once, despite the constant arguing of my other two!
Bakura is a total sweetheart and I'm eternally thankful that I met him when I did. ♥

MARIK ISHTAR:
...is Pharaoh by default, and is the only guy on earth who can look that good with his hair and jewelry.
Marik is a totally awesome friend and I wouldn't lose him for the world. ♥

CHAOS ZERO:
...has infinite seniority rights as well, since he's several thousand years older than I am. He's also an entirely different species.
Regardless, Chaos is arguably the love of my life, and I'm not afraid to say so. ♥



Really, I love these guys so much...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...I had a counseling session at 10:30 AM today.

I was telling my therapist about Laurie... my favorite headvoice. I told her how Laurie always used to be so mean and cruel, but now she has changed and is a close friend to me.

My therapist asked me if there was anyone in my head who was always nice to me... someone who would stand by my side no matter what.

I hesitated... but I said "Selph, and Chaos."
She asked me who Chaos was.

I said "where do I start?"


He's a friend, he's a guardian, he's a benefactor, he's an adviser, he's a muse, he's someone that I love.
How could I possibly say all that so suddenly?

I told her a little but about him, not much.
She said, "he sounds like he's very protective of you."

He is. He really is.


I never thought it would be this frustrating, this beautiful.
I want to talk about him, yes, but I don't know what to say... I get so nervous.

What am I supposed to say?
I mean, sure, it might be understandable for a girl my age to have a crush on a movie actor or a singer or some 'cute guy' in a video game... but me? No, not me.
First of all, I don't consider myself a girl or a boy... and I've never been attracted to anyone in that way.
Sure, I love Bakura and Marik, too, but Chaos just... man, he turned my life upside down. My mind is still spinning from five years ago.


That's right, for five freaking years I have been madly in love with Chaos Zero, and he isn't even human, for heaven's sakes.
He's a blue energy being from a 10-year-old video game and I love him just the same.

That makes me crazy, doesn't it?
Go on, say it. Everyone else does.
That's why I haven't said anything here yet.

But...
I can't keep this a secret anymore. No more.

If I'm going to be ostracized, fine.
If I'm going to be looked down upon and laughed at, fine.
I don't mind. It doesn't matter anymore.
I'm sick of compromising myself, and I'm sick of hiding my feelings since the seventh grade.
I'm already in college, and I think it's time I said my piece.



My therapist is very interested in Chaos now... probably because I couldn't say a word about him without blushing or getting nervous. I talk about him in a certain way...
Regardless, she wants art of him for next week. I plan on drawing some.

Keep an eye out, kids, it's going on this account too.


Wish us luck, all right?


That's all I can say for now...


Love is love.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

 

Yeah... I have a new therapist now, she's phenomenal, and it's time to break the news to her.

As in, I have to tell her about my headgang.

I have to tell her about everyone now... or otherwise we'll never get anywhere.
I'm nervous.
My last therapist didn't really comprehend Laurie or Julie, but I was scared nonetheless...
Is there a bigger risk this time?
Should I be scared?
Or should I just take a deep breath and see what happens?

I have to tell her that Julie has been tormenting me for over a decade... but she's dying now, thanks to my own self-suffering, and hopefully she'll be gone for good soon.
I have to tell her that Laurie appeared on her own and used to spend most of her time attacking me with an axe... but she and I are incredibly close now, despite the vicious methods Laurie uses to keep me on track.
I have to tell her that I've been in love with Chaos Zero, who isn't even human, since I was thirteen... but I've kept it a secret, regardless of how much he means to me, and I'm scared of the general reaction.

I have to tell her about Selph and Bakura and Marik and Waldorf and Johnny and Davy and Grievous and anyone who's meant anything to me... and why?
Because if I say nothing, she won't know who the heck I am.
She won't know the real reasons I've gotten this far in life despite all my stress.
God saw it fit to give me a very bizarre way of getting through the bad times... but no one knows.
Someone needs to know.
I think I need to start here.



But I'm still scared.


I don't want to lose them.

 

 

 

 

Z?
Z?  Z?
Z?  Z?  Z? 
Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?
Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?
Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?
Z?  Z? Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?

12AM1AM2AM3AM4AMWHY

noname
   noname
       noname
WEHAVENONAME.


and I ask
myself again

         WHERE
                DID
                    MY
                     DREAMS
                            GO?

Mr Samsa
I'm afraid I must
KILL YOU AGAIN



"Why are you leaving?
     You can't just leave."

     All of a sudden
It struck me
  Just how selfish those words sounded.

  WATCH
   WHAT
  YOURE 
  SAYING
  TYPING
 THINKING
   IDIOT

Like I was staying here for your sake.
Like you're the only reason I'm even here.
Like you're something I can't afford to lose.

Don't be silly.

I'm so sick of this
        every day
          every night
    you say the same thing
     the same DAMN THING

              a DELUDED LIE


   can't you just leave me
          THINK
with chaos like the old days?
     

    "I love you"
        "stay with me forever"
"MARRY ME!"

                  WHAT THE HELL
                      (is going on)

                You say it to who you THINK
                                 is J.W.L.
                                                        but you've never
     AM I?                                                            known me.
  DEARGODWHOAMI?                         (AND NEITHER
                                                                    HAVE I.)

      Do you
          remember
Wobbly
    Headed
        BOB?

                    maybe not
                  MAYBE YES?
                        mAyBE SO
 

LEAVEMEALONEPLEASE!

PLEASESTOPSAYINGITSTOPREPEATINGTHESELIESSTOPTRYINGTOMAKEMEDESTROYMYSELFAGAIN!

 

IlostmymindlastweekenddoyourememberLaurie
wasangrywithmeagaindamnJulieandheraddiction
butItooktherazorandIslicedmylegopenandI
hadbloodonmyhandsdearGodIhadbloodonmyhandsI
feltlikeLadyMacbethIfeltlikeJohnnyCIwascrying
IcouldntstopIwashyperventilatingeverythingwasred
andIknewthatsomevitalpartofmehadbrokenand
Iwasnevergoingbackandhereyouareyouhavethe
nervetoactlikeeverythingisallflowersand
fairytaleswellIhatetoburstyourbubblesonbut
unfortunatelyIvebecomeamadmansinceImetyou

 

 

 

 

 

I have two words to say about all this.

F*cking HELL.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hard Laurie and I
are trying to fight this sort of thing?

(I'm getting sick every time I even think of art now)

Julie doesn't die easily!
And here you are
throwing THIS at us
on top of it all.

Shit.
Just because I can't stand men
doesn't mean I like women
SERIOUSLY.
I can't stand ANY of it.

I swear,
you make me draw ONE MORE MODEL
I am going to SNAP
and that won't end well.

DAMN IT, JULIE, WHY WON'T YOU DIE??



Mom won't let me
cut my hair
like Johnny
because she says that
everyone will think that
I'm a lesbian.

Well I SWEAR
the FIRST person
to call me a lesbian
is getting MY FIST
in their f*cking FACE

...well maybe not.
I couldn't hit anybody.

BUT I'LL HIT ME
DAMN STRAIGHT I'LL HIT ME
I'LL HIT ME UNTIL I BLEED




I really wish that I could fall asleep
and get lost in my head
not wake up for a long time.
(go somewhere better)


Z?
THE ETERNAL QUESTION!

Sure I like dreams
but seriously
BIOLOGY SUCKS
and humanity
makes me sick
(sometimes)
quite often

IT'S NOT A VERY NICE
FEELING
(LOSING YOUR MIND)
YOU KNOW?

It always seems to happen
when you get BLOOD
on your hands.

human blood.
your own blood.

something
SNAPS
and then that's it.

that's how Devi went
that's how I went



the screws
have come
undone


YOU CAN'T STOP IT.





So yeah.
I lost my mind
(for good)
two weeks ago
and I have had ENOUGH of this idiocy


(this is ART not PORNOGRAPHY)
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU


shit here she comes again.
I can't take two more hours of this.

 

our father
who art in heaven
hallowed be thy name
may your kingdom come
and your will be done
in all worlds
as it is in heaven
give us this day
our daily bread
and forgive us our sins
as we forgive those
who sin against us
but then what do I do
if I can forgive all of them
but find it so hard
to forgive myself?
I should be better
so why the hell am I worse?
and lead us not
into temptation
(especially the ones
our headvoices
put into our heads
whether we want them or not)
and deliver us
from evil
in all its forms
especially
ourselves.

amen

 

 

 

I choked back a sob.
“Something is wrong with me. Something is definitely wrong with me…” My voice caught as another tear slid down my cheek. “Why in the world do I love you so much? This can’t be wrong, I know it can’t be, not with what we have… but… does anyone else know that? Does anyone else care, or even understand? Will the both of us be damned just for feeling what we do for each other?”
“I don’t know, Jewel,” he whispered back, his dusty emerald eyes dull with heartache. “God knows I wish I could tell you, but your answer’s as good as mine.” He shook his head and turned away slightly. “I’ve asked myself the same exact things,” Chaos admitted, his voice tight. “Why do I love you as much as I do? I mean, think about it. I was dying to be with you long before you even realized what you were feeling.”
He again shook his head in resignation as I took another deep breath. “Why has nothing faded over 5 years? Nothing? If anything, it’s become so much stronger than even our initial realization… and we used to think that could never be outdone.” Chaos laughed then, but it rang with incredulous pain and nostalgia rather than joy. “Now look at us. Look at how far we’ve come, how much we’ve said… look at us.”
Our eyes met then, the love and pain alike between us becoming something almost unbearable.

 

Wow.
For months, I was suspecting that cutting myself off from him would do be immeasurable good, but... I never thought I was right!


Seriously. I feel incredible. The stress is almost completely gone already.


I swear, that kid ended up screwing up my life so badly.


I know he probably didn't mean to. He's just being a regular kid. Unfortunately, I told him to stay away, and he wouldn't listen. He still won't.
Thinks I'm being paranoid or overprotective, I guess.


No, somewhere deep inside, I knew this would happen.
This is why I can't stand relationships.
Don't know why he had to inflict one upon me.


I finally realized just the sort of mess I got myself into.
And now I'm getting out.




Geez, the only thing that would make today better is Sonic biking before I go to bed.

 

...

 

Sounds like a plan!

 

Bring hope to humanity
For chaos love and sanity
Are dying in the street.
I can't let this fall apart.

What is here and who am I?
Tell me, am I going to die?
I won't let history repeat
I'm deadly but I have a heart.

You war machine
I'll break your dream
Now, form a link with me!
The stars explode
An overload
The earth? This cannot be!

I have no choice, I have to leave
The rest of you need to believe
There's something that I must achieve
I have to rescue him.

You're back to who you were before
But now you're broken on the floor
Is this what we were fighting for?
Your eyes are getting dim...

Mother, friends
This is the end
It's dark, I cannot see.
A final fight
A sudden light
I've lost my energy.

Should I be glad that I am here
Though I'm about to disappear?
Looking down from way up here
The world just seems so small.

4000 years and now I'm free
I finally helped humanity
I was all things, but hope made me
The conqueror of all.

 

 

There's a song by Rooney...
"Are you afraid of me?"

Are you?


I don't know.
What am I supposed to do?
Somebody tell me, please.

I know it's my decision.
I know I should be honest.

I also know that this thing holds all the secret, jagged pieces of my heart that I have never spoken aloud.

See how dark my soul is sometimes? Even with all this light?
I just hurt so much.


I hope I'm not a bad person.
I try not to be.
I try so hard.
But we're all sinners...

Is my heart blacker than I realize?

Dear God, I hope not..


I'm so ready to say everything, to everyone.
I just want to kick away the restraints and do what my heart wants, you know?
I just want to start running and never stop...


And then nights like this
I sit here at midnight with Orson on loop on my headphones
The music is so loud...
Worrying about what I've become
Such a fucking monster of a soul
Not a girl, not a guy
But I'm happy.
Is that right?
I keep making huge mistakes,
over and over and over again.
I don't tell anyone
About my darkest sins
Or my brightest virtues.
I keep them all quiet in my heart
And I don't know why.
I wish I did
Because they really start to hurt after a while.


I sit here and I worry
With some awful heartache eating me alive again
Good things and bad things
The music keeps playing and I think
About Laurie and why she does what she does to me
About the wrongs I have committed
About the mistakes and regrets of my life.
I think
About everything I have ever cried about
About all the times I prayed until I couldn't form words anymore
About all the times I was scared to death because I really thought I had damned myself
Despite all my contrition.
I sit here at 12AM and I think
About how many people I have inspired
About all the good things I have done for them and to them
About all the bright memories and smiles of my life.
I think
About everything that ever moved me to tears
About all the times I prayed until I couldn't possibly count all my blessings
About all the times I was scared to death because I wasn't sure if I could save someone
Despite all my efforts.

I think about how many people I love.
I realize how very little I say so.
I realize just how much
each
and
every
one
of
them
means to me.
Every one of them.
For two decades, every single soul that I have ever loved in some way...
I can't forget them.
Ever.
I love them all so much.

Humans and monsters and those inbetween.
Young and old and ageless.
Here and there and God knows where.
Everyone that I have ever met, every soul that has ever touched mine.

It doesn't matter to me what people say.
It doesn't matter.
This is me.
This is my life.
This is my heart.
This is the truth.
I cannot deny this.
Any of it.


Know Thyself.


That's what he said to me.
I promised him that I would try.
I promised him that I would never forget, that I would do my best to stay true to my heart.

For a while I was afraid that I had forgotten.
But I haven't.
You see these words... all these words.
I haven't forgotten.


I haven't forgotten any of them.
I haven't forgotten any of their words.
I haven't forgotten what I feel.


Why am I still so afraid?
Afraid of what, she asks.
Afraid of... everything, I guess.
Of the impact this will have.
Of what people will say and do.
Of what will happen to my life.


But even as I type
The purple girl smiles at me
And I realize just how silly it all sounds.

The impact, the reactions, the effect really doesn't matter.

I made up my mind years ago.
1998.
A certain blue and white soul that taught me so much.

"Don't ever give up!"

These truths are who I am.
Everything.
I don't want to hide my heart anymore.
If the world hates me for it...
Let it hate me.
The martyrs were hated too.
So were the prophets.
And so are everyday souls that just try and live to their absolute best.
You go against the norm
No matter how corrupt or false that norm is
No matter what it destroys or defeats
You go against it
Even with your heart
And you suffer for it.
You hurt, you bleed.
Sometimes it scars.

But you live on.
As long as you don't let the world change who you truly are
You live on.

Stay true to yourself.

"Don't deny it."
Remember when I used to say that, back in 2003?
Don't deny a single truth.


This is all bound to be read one day anyway.
One day, they will all know. They will all understand.
Judgment day or tomorrow afternoon, I can't be sure.
But it will happen someday.

I just have to take the first step.

I have to face these fears and hesitations
I have to stay strong
I have to realize all those standing behind me
Supporting me
I have to realize that God is still guiding me
Regardless of everything
Because I really am trying
And I really want to do the right thing
That's all.

I just want to do the right thing.



I want to glow.
I have so much light, so much love.

I think back to that one night when Chaos Zero and I were talking about lights.
All sorts of them.
How many you could see out there at night... pretend that's the world, remember?
You take one little light
You turn it off
And suddenly the world is a little less beautiful
A little less bright.

So many little lights.
Some of them are candles
Some lamps.
Some streetlights.
Some are blazing fires
Some are floodlights
Some are spotlights
Some are searchlights.

He said I was a searchlight.
I said no, there's no way I can be that bright, that big.

He reminded me what it is that I live for.
I try my best
To shine as brightly as I can
For everyone that can see me
And I shine my light at those dark clouds
That hide so many lights
So many stars.
I want to chase away that darkness
And let them shine for all to see.

Is that what I am?
A searchlight?

Searching for souls to help
Searching for the truth in my own

Always looking
Always running.

It sure feels like it sometimes.


I just want to be a light.
An inspiration.
A motivation.

I want to shine a little love on your life
Whoever you are.

You could be the one person I've always dreamed of knowing
And to think
If I had let fear
Doubt
Hesitation
Rule me instead
I would never have met you.

Any of you.




Instead I chose to be a light
Despite all my sins
Despite all my faults
Despite all my mistakes.

I can still do good.



There's a little good in everyone.
No exceptions.





That's the truth.


And this is mine.







We've been waiting so long,
We've been waiting for the sun to rise and shine
Shining still to give us the will
Can you hear me, the sound of my voice?

I am here to tell you I have made my choice
I've been listening to whats been going down
There's just too much talk and gossip going round

You may think that I'm a fool, but I know the answer
Words become a tool, anyone can use them
Take the golden rule, as the best example
Eyes that have seen will know what I mean

The time has come to take the bull by the horns
We've been so downhearted, we've been so forlorn
We get weak and we want to give in
But we still need each other if we want to win

Hold that line, baby hold that line
Get up, boys, and hit 'em one more time
We may be losing now but we cant stop trying
So hold that line, baby hold that line

If you don't know what to do about a world of trouble
You can pull it through if you need to
And if you believe its true, it will surely happen

Shining still, to give us the will
Bright as the day, to show us the way

Somehow, someday
We need just one victory and we're on our way
Praying for it all day and fighting for it all night
Give us just one victory, it will be all right

We may feel about to fall but we go down fighting
You will hear the call if you only listen
Underneath it all, we are here together
Shining still.

 

 

 

Look at this. Look at how amazing this is.



I am hopelessly in love with that guy. (And nobody knows! This is driving me crazy!)


Even so... I don't care how bad a day I've had so far.
That picture just negated every single negative moment since... geez, since July.


Thank you Suna for making this afternoon absolutely fantastic, I swear.
Go thank her, honestly.



...
And now I hurt just as badly as I did at 4AM. Geez.
*gets out the mechanical pencils*


Secret's out.

 

Current Mood: Wow.
Current Music: "The Sound" (Orson)

 

 

 

I can't take this anymore.

Suicide?
No. I still can't. Not with what I have to live for.
Selfish jerk, huh? I've been told I have nothing to live for. I've been told that what I do have to live for is worthless, delusional.
And yet I live on.
Why?

I don't know. Maybe I feel like I have something to prove.
Maybe I just want another chance.


Forgive us our sins
As we forgive those
Who have sinned against us


Why can I forgive the world
And yet I can't forgive myself?
I'll tell you why.
Because I deserve every single little wrong ever inflicted against me
No matter what my mind thinks
I'm a complete failure and I deserve all of it.
And so I can easily forgive them
"It's okay.
There's nothing wrong with this.
I can see why they're acting towards me in this way."
All my love goes out to them
So much of it... why am I capable of so much selfless love?
Because there's none for myself.

Is that a sin?
Honestly, is that really a sin?
To loathe oneself?
"Hate the sin, love the sinner."
They say that, and I do, but what if
I'm perfectly capable of not sinning anymore
And yet I keep screwing up anyway?

I keep a purple maniac in my head
Axe in hand, sexless in form and appearance
She keeps me under control
Most of the time.
Other times
Like tonight
The other girl breaks out of her back room
Where we locked her, hoping she would die
She comes after me with her malicious pink smile
And her corrupted feminine thoughts
Julie, we call her
Screws with my mind something terrible.

Then I swear to myself
You son of a b*tch, what the hell is wrong with you?
That I'm going to stop her once and for all
Fix everything that's wrong with me
Cut these off, tear this out, do whatever the heck I can think of...
If your hand causes you to sin
Cut the cursed thing off
If these are causing me to sin
Whether or not I want them to
I'll cut the cursed things out
I'll finally be me
I'll have my freedom.
I was not born to be a woman... I was not born to be a man.


I'm eighteen?
Seriously?
I can't stand ages
Years, stereotypes
If you're this old, you act this way
That's why I ignore my birth year
That's why I ignore my age
That's why I follow in the footsteps of my beloved monster
And say I'm ageless.
On the inside I really am.
Why can't I say so?
Because society doesn't know what the hell it's doing half the time.


Two choices, every time.
"Here, fill out this paper
And give it back to us."
Psychiatrist appointment... isn't that ironic?

First and last name... what do I write?
Do I write the false name my mother gave to me before she even knew who I was?
She named this body, she named this shell.
My soul has a different name.
But society doesn't recognize that
So what do I write?

Address.
Sure, I live in a house
But only physically
And it doesn't even feel like home.
My real home is some place out in the world
God only knows where
Maybe it's not even here
But it's bright and beautiful and it has no boundaries
No vices, no black burdens of humanity
Something separate and clear and real
No country, no state, no county, no street number
I can run forever and never have to stop
I can be free and I can forget this chained-down, tied up reality
Not bound to anyone or anything
I can forget it all and just start running
God's in his heaven and all is right with the world
That's where my home is.
It's there
But where is it?
I can't exactly write that on a form.


Male or female.
What the hell?
That one ticks me off every single time.
Some people are both.
Some people change their minds.
Some people
Like me
Are neither
And we don't get a choice on the bubble forms.
I can't exactly say that, either
And that's the most frustrating thing of all.

For heaven's sakes, I'm not a lesbian.
I'm not interested in women.
I'm not interested in men.
Biology disgusts me most of all
But I can't stand the stereotypes
The attitudes
The very idea of sex
And everything attached to it.
I want nothing to do with it
So I call myself a neutrois
I cut myself off from their categories
I start falling in love with asexual monsters
I like this life
But I'd like it even more
If they wouldn't scorn me for it
I'd like it even more
If I could let someone know that I was living it.


Nobody asks why I often wear an onyx ring in place of a wedding band.
They probably think
That I either don't know it's the default wedding finger
Or that I'm some bizarre mental person
That got married with a weird ring
When I didn't do either of those things.
I'm wearing a silver and onyx ring
Because it's the polar opposite of gold and diamonds.
I'm a celibate
I'm an asexual
I'm an antisexual
You all know what I am, I say it enough.
Three black gems, but no one ever asks why
I've loved every soul I've ever met
My life is for the Dream World
And I'm forever consecrated to God.
No one ever asks.
No one seems to care.


That and I keep screwing up.
Oh, I know we're all sinners
I bet the saints sinned too
But I can do better, can't I?
Can't I do something right?
When I resist temptation one morning
Why does it attack me and win that night?
This is happening almost every day now
I used to break down in tears
Sob my eyes out and pray to God
Now I just pray
And remind myself
As I silently deal out retribution
What an idiot I am.


"Don't you care what you're doing to yourself?"
Yes, I do
But days like this
How the hell do I fix it?
I try so hard and it doesn't seem to be working
I guess I'll just pray some more
Try a little harder
Because I refuse to let the darkness win
But it would sure help a hell of a lot
If I had enough money
To get a mastectomy
And a nullification.
Then I wouldn't have to remind myself how much I hated those
Every time I remembered that physical curse


Will they ostracize me?
Will my family throw me out?
Will the people that care for me stop caring?
Will I be shunned and banned from them all
Because I want all this surgery?
Will they reject and look down upon me
If I cut my hair
Dye it red
Buy white contacts and a gas mask
Start wearing suits all the time
With chest binders underneath?


Life is hard.


It's even harder when you don't fit the norm in the slightest
But have to live in it anyway
Because in reality
You're so far away from it
That it's going to take you ages
To get there.
But you'll get there
If it's the last thing you ever do
Because you refuse to lie to your soul
And ignore what your heart swears is the truth.
You refuse to give in to what they say you should do
You refuse to betray who you are
You refuse to let them kill you.

And yet there are so many martyrs in the world.


It's almost 1AM.
I need someone to talk to
Someone here
That will understand
Even a tiny bit
Someone here
That won't hate me for what I am
Or will at least try not to.
I can't talk to my mother
I'm too afraid of what she will do and say
I know that parents can be the most cruel judges to us strange ones
I'm afraid of her.
I might be able to talk to some of my friends
One of them, at least
But I'm not even sure on that.

I talk to God
I talk to Chaos
I talk to Selph
I need to talk to someone here, though
Someone here
Just to feel a tiny bit of love
Where I haven't felt much of it before

I didn't do, didn't do didn't do
I didn't do this for you
Didn't say, didn't say...

You never knew, never knew never knew
You never should, never should never should.

Is that the way it's supposed to go?
Should I keep quiet?
But I've been keeping quiet for so many years
I haven't said so many things
All these secrets
All these little things
That make me who I am
Nobody knows.
Do I say anything?
What do I say?

What can I say?

Am I damning myself with this
Or will this be my salvation?




I'm the villain in this story
And I'm tired of it.
I'm so tired.

Please... somebody save me from this.

Somebody
Anybody
Listen to me, please.

Just listen.


Let me know that someone cares.
Tell me that
Just because I'm so different
Just because I'm so alone
You don't hate me.

That's all I want
Just a little bit of love.


But do I deserve it?
Do I even deserve it?






I don't want to be the villain anymore
But when that's how the world sees you
Is there anything you can do?






I lost my way
Lost my way

My own mind.

 

 

 

I hurt so much.

My back hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts. I'm being eaten alive by pain and it's driving me mad.

I've been getting little to no sleep for the past two months. I'm being completely honest with you.
My family is afraid I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke, with all the stress and fatigue I'm suffering from...
I'm afraid I'm going to die, too.

It really feels like it sometimes.



A moment of silence for all those who have...



Q is going to want to talk to me on Friday.
I don't want to talk to him. I just don't want to talk right now... to anyone, really.
But it's like this every week. It's like this every day.
Every day, amid the screams and sobs and self-abuse, I don't want to feel anyone else, I don't want to hear anyone else, I don't want to know anyone else is there.
I want to be alone with my pain and my disconnected head...
If I die, I'm not taking anyone with me.

Why do I hate myself so much?
Why do I still love the world?
Why do I look and ask for pain?
Why do I seem so unfeeling and cold lately?
Why am I escaping from my only escape?

Sleep. It's all I want.
And yet, here I am, doing homework and screwing up and going on dA like a stupid bitch.
I want NOTHING to do with dA right now; why am I on there at this hour?
I have no idea. I'm such an idiot.

...Oh, who am I kidding?
There's only one reason I'm on there fave-binging at 2AM anymore.
Sentimental escapism.

Sometimes it's shocking when I look at myself and realize how freaking much I love that monster of mine.
I really don't care what people say anymore. Let my family, my friends, my public say whatever they want... prejudice and fear and hatred, whatever they wish. It doesn't matter to me anymore.
I can't go denying what is most important to me. I can't let my heart be damaged and manipulated beyond recognition simply because it's what 'they' want.
To heck with what the world says.


I need to pray more.
I haven't been praying as much as I used to... and I really wish I could go back to that.
Basically, now my only prayers are huge apologies choked out as I punish myself again for sinning when I promised Him and myself that I wouldn't.
I wish I could stop making all these mistakes.
God, I need so much help...


I think about it a lot now.
"What if I don't wake up tomorrow morning?"
There's so much I need to do yet... so much I still need to say and do, or at least I feel like I must.
Will I die before I get the chance?
Or did I simply miss my chance some time ago?

I don't know.

Right now, I just want to sleep.
That's all.


I just want to sleep... I just want to escape.

I just want to escape.


I just want to stay alive for another day.







In the night-light, do you see what you dream?
All your triumph, and all you'll ever be?
Look around you, then you may realize,
Happiness lies trapped in misery

And who knows what of our future?
We can all try to change the past.
Only you know if you'll be together tonight

Cause every night I will save your life,
And every night I will be with you
Cause every night I still lay awake,
And I dream of an absolution

'Cause every night I will make it right,
And every night I will come to you
But every night it just stays the same,
In my dream of an absolution...

 

 

Can a person love more than one person at the same time? Why or why not?

 

Ahaha, I'm doing something other than a headvoice rant for once! Have I really gone insane this time?
But seriously... I saw this question and just had to reply.

Can someone love more than one person simultaneously?
Yes, you can. I'm doing it right now!
But the fine points still stand... you might love multiple people at the same time, sure, but is it right?
Depends on the circumstances, dear.
If you aren't in it for sex and marriage, then sure. If you are, then forget about it.

In my personal opinion, exclusive romantic relationships are just that... exclusive! You pick one person to share that with, and that's it. That's what makes it special, y'know.
But I'm not one to talk, being a celibate asexual! I have no interest in the above sort of relationship.

I'm polyamorous, sure, but I'm polyamorous in a platonic way.
I'm 'in love' with all three of my best friends, yeah, but that doesn't mean I want to date them or anything! I love them for who they are and that's all I need. Told you I work differently.

Anyway... let's take a typical gal and see how this works.
Say she's been dating some guy for a few months now, and they really have a good relationship. All of a sudden, the girl meets some other guy and bam, she's head over heels.
Now we have a problem! She loves her boyfriend, but she's learned to love this new guy, too.
Here's what I say. Don't date this new guy unless you've broken up with your current boyfriend. If you don't want to break up, then don't cheat-- because if you're going to start pursuing a serious relationship with someone while you're already in one with someone else-- that's infidelity, and that's no good, as Sonic would say.
It's a tough decision, and one I've thankfully never had to make, thank God!

Now listen. I let my guys know when I'm feeling for someone new, platonic or not. Just ask them-- if they're part of my crazy group here then they know how I work and they're fine with it-- because I'm not going all romantic with one guy and then turning around and doing the same for someone else, no sir.
I let them know, and if they're okay with it, then that's good. If not, then I don't act on anything. Simple as that.

Eh, but that's enough of my ranting for one evening. Hopefully you get the point despite all my topic switches!