Dude we are reviewing old entries and I am going to CRY apparently the Pokemon closest to our current height and weight is AEGISLASH.

(at my ideal weight I'm apparently a Skarmory, which I find amusingly fitting because I vibe hard with metal but I still want to fly-- and I have to say that dang Skarmory is actually kind of gorgeous? NICE. I never appreciated their beautiful head shape & sharp teeth before. Well NOW I DO)

But... this is aching so much because I don't know if it was ever said outright in the Archives but the Jay who was alive in 2013 before the massacre was in love with his Aegislash. Toshinsei was his name.
We... don't know what happened to him, or any of Jay's Pokemon, after the massacre. That just destroyed the entire timeline. Apparently Jewel took over playing Y version but we have no data whatsoever on that? And then we apparently lost the cartridge in CNC so we'll never get that data back. Which is heartbreaking.

...You know what, we really need to talk about the fact that we get legit attracted to Pokemon WAY too often. Has anyone actually discussed that before?
I'll start by saying that we are absolutely "kin" with Mewtwo and have been since literally 1999. I don't think we've ever brought that up online. We were absolutely "kin" with Celebi around 2000-2002, but that got all tangled up with the D.I.D. and the Irispherae and we ended up with several Celebis, haha. So debatably, the "kintype" wasn't actually that, we just have a Celebi introject. Totally different thing!
HOWEVER. We have briefly mentioned Skittygirl before-- in that entry linked at the beginning and significantly in this brutal traumasink-- but that whole phenomenon felt almost "third person?" There was never any personal interaction. Headspace didn't exist yet; there was only Heartspace and Skittygirl wasn't in it; it never even occurred to Jewel that she could be talked to, theoretically. But whoever fronted back then-- and that girl is STILL around; we wonder if it's Jacinth?? or someone related to her?-- did have "feelings" for her. That brutal entry describes all we know of it, and we hesitate to label it. Was it "attraction?" Does that word even apply to us? All we know is that there was affection, and the REAL possibility that if we hadn't been locked in the closet back then, and if Jewel had put out her Linkstrings in Skittygirl's direction, who knows if she wouldn't have become an Inspacer, and eventually a girlfriend? Who knows if that might even happen now, if that foni pursues the possibility over two decades later? But the point for this entry is that there was something, and it was in both a queer context and a Pokemon context.
The next bit is interesting too, actually. At that time in our life (~2003), we were convinced that our Core would "always" kintype with the Legendary of that generation-- which was really jumping the gun, because there were only three generations at the time, and when Pearl was released and we had zero resonance with Manaphy or Shaymin we were thrown off so hard (but oh man wait until the future kiddos)-- and Jirachi was actually NOT an exception. The problem came when the movie was released, and we had NO resonance with that Jirachi, and their role in the narrative of the humans. No, our Jirachi was only in the games, and OUR Jirachi was BLUE with stars for eyes. However. This is the cool and weird bit. We LOST OUR SELF-IMAGE AROUND THIS TIME. Trauma was beginning and the gender dysphoria hit us like an airbus to the face, and we just stopped drawing ourself for YEARS. This screwed up a LOT of things, notably the entire Jewel bloodline, but that's a topic for another time. The point for today is that, because of this identity shattering, we didn't "kin" Jirachi. She was instead IMMEDIATELY written into the Moralimon story as her own person, but we were nowhere to be found. So she's a weird case. Deep down I can feel that someone wants to love her, and might have if life hadn't been so broken back then. I know jx7 was still very fond of her too. So we'll see what happens here.
NEVERTHELESS, I must mention that in the future, aka now, SOMEONE actually DOES kin Shaymin's Sky Form (it reminds us of Klonoa, apparently)?? AND someone ELSE actually DOES have "feelings" for... Deoxys.
Listen I have suspected this for YEARS and it's legit. I have no idea who is crushing on the space virus but I can't deny that there is someone.
(There are a lot of Pokemon friendships from Ruby BTW. Groudon (Aranodor) & Rayquaza (Shendu) were dear buddies; Latias was also a dear friend & we even saw her in dreams; our whole team was so beloved to us-- Fireball & Brilnimien & Dolenanca & Morgoth & the gang-- that game meant so much to us.)
As for Pearl version, that too changed over the years. We are really close to "kintyping" Mesprit, actually; I can feel it even now. Palkia (Aramenel) was on our team so he's a buddy, and so was a Froslass (Miringiel)-- which I mention because they are gorgeous but there's no "attraction" LIKE WE HAVE FOR DARKRAI. All caps because good Lord that species is beloved to us. We had Heartbreak on our team but then jx7 bought a plushie and Jay named him Ventrium and we... I don't think we realized how much we actually loved him until he died.
...We hadn't known him for very long, I remember. His self-awareness, his very consciousness, was so fragile. It was so new, something we call the "velveteen rabbit phenomenon," when a potential plush anchor is loved so much it effectively becomes ensouled. This happened ALL THE TIME when we were a small child-- where do you think most of our "imaginary friends" and many League "characters" came from? BELOVED TOYS. We "knew" that love made things come to life. We just never expected that to happen as an adult. But in retrospect it makes total sense. If we had met Ventrium in-game, he would already be. This was just a different process for the same outcome, as it were. We already loved the species. We just hadn't had the opportunity to love an individual of it AS their own person, until suddenly we had this plush, and... well, one day we knew. There's a feeling you get; it's unmistakable-- when suddenly someone is there, you know.
Deep down we miss him still. It's a strange feeling, because as I said, we didn't get to know him and couldn't because he hadn't been given the chance to grow into himself as a person. Trauma and hackers stole that from him. But... hope and love don't die, and they fight hard. They won't stop searching for him. One day I know he'll be given a different door-- not a game, not a plush, but perhaps simply a form in Heartspace, or in the League. However and whenever it would happen, he could come back to us that way, and finally live. We feel threads of promise for that even now. But our heart has to be ready for it too, or it won't be "allowed" to happen. It's a way of protecting that hope from further trauma. If there's still too much danger, the potential will be put on hold, until there's safety enough to protect and preserve them. But honestly? I think that can't happen UNLESS THE JEWELS ENSURE IT. There's too much headspace bleedover into heartspace, it feels like. It's causing too much risk. The only "safe place" for ANY Pokemon to manifest is in the care OF a Jewel, and if we can't play the games anymore, then she'll have to dream them a life. But it's the only way to give them a solid foundation free of the terror that haunts our head. How ironic, as Ventrium's species deals with nightmares... but perhaps that will be the door that ultimately brings him back up to us in the end, when he's ready. No sooner, no later. We won't lose him again.

Gleam is... I really think we're in love with him, too. He's our dream-Banette, our "favorite non-Legendary species" someone says (and I think that's legit). The Jewels have always loved nonhuman puppets/ jesters for some reason, and Hoseki WAS "The Shuppetmaster," famously so. So Banettes have always been beloved to us almost by default.
...

ANOTHER Pokemon that's part-kintype part-inspacer part-girlfriend is VIXIE. aka VICTINI. Jay had such a crush on her when her species was revealed BUT then she showed up in headspace and now she actually fronts.
SO DOES HOOPA! Gosh we love him but that's all queerplatonic! Still it's strong; he is a truly dear friend. We miss him lots but we know he hasn't left.

Galadia is a special case. We're NOT SURE who loved her-- and yes, loved her. There was definitely something there, judging by her Spotify playlist description alone. The problem is, Galadia showed up during the "omelet hell summer" right before UMPC #2, when we were mourning our grandmother so hard that every day we were driving to a diner that had her name and order an omelet because that's what we ate in CNC when we couldn't be with her. We were a mental disaster at that time, BUT Scarlet & Violet were due to release in November (ironically, right around the time we were discharged from the hospital), and so during that gutwrenching 5-month interim between grandma's death and another inpatient stint, whoever the heck was fronting was clinging to Pokemon as a lifeline. It was the only thing she could find that held hope, something conceptually tied to childhood innocence and now a family & home life that we could never return to, and of which the very memories were quickly being burned out by traumatic grief. I assume we were still hyperreligious, but Tilly couldn't stick around in our new state of perpetual mourning, and so someone else showed up to carry the crushing weight of that-- someone disturbingly like Jacinth. I don't know why our most trauma-battered somafoni are all young femme lesbians. That probably says a lot about our childhood that we haven't thought about.
Nevertheless, this girl was browsing Tumblr on our phone one night and suddenly, there was fanart of a Sneasler (specifically either this or this one; it was by that artist). We had never seen the species before, and immediately our girl was attracted to her. Aesthetically, sure, but also in that unique way these sad girls feel-- something almost dependent, something desperate, looking for someone they can lose themselves in and give themselves to so they don't have to exist as their own person. They did that with Celebi, and they wanted to do that with this Sneasler girl now-- who eventually was given the Outspacer name "Galadia," from Latin gladius I assume.
...
...The problem? Sneasler biology is scary, because they have wider hips than shoulders. Even official art of them gives them a very pear-shaped silhouette and that is TERRIFYING to us. Plus, something about the "star" mark on their face registers wrong and disturbs us, as does the roundness of their head shape. Weirdly, this person's art is totally fine in terms of shape AND marking. That's fascinating and I want to figure out exactly WHY. My kneejerk thought is that it's a better shoulder-hip ratio, and her abdomen ISN'T ROUND. That is a huge distinction actually.
...
Oh THIS one is MUCH better, but it doesn't feel like Galadia at ALL. It's just a "safe" bodyshape. .
...
THIS = left is unsafe. Right is safe. Notice the hips and the face shape.
THIS = oddly safe?? Something about the proportions
THIS = UNSAFE. Notable in light of previous; this one is thinner BUT more FEMININE as a result?? Plus the "thick arms" are very unsettling.
THIS = left is safe, right is unsafe. Notice the INVERSE leg widths, and hand/foot sizes.
THIS = fascinating because left is UNSAFE, and right is safe. The "baggy pants" look is bottom-heavy and that's FRIGHTENING. So are the "tapering" limbs, from thick to small. In contrast, the Lopunny has BIGGER hands than shoulders, BUT the hips are safe because the legs taper?? It's something with proportion ratios. ...Plus that's a very Infi silhouette. That's notable.
I apologize if that seems off-topic but it's not. "Attraction" and "safety" are VERY convoluted to us and we've never fully explored it because it's so frightening. So to notice immediate alarm bells or shocking lack thereof with this, I had to write it down, because it is DIRECTLY AFFECTING Outspacer potential!
...Honestly, I don't think Galadia will be allowed to return AS a Sneasler. There's too much fear there. We can't even look at the species without triggering legit panic symptoms. So she would have to anchor into the League instead, probably, unless she-- like Celebi and Jirachi-- get their own "look" UNIQUE to Heartspace for their species that IS safe. We'll see. We need to try to draw her then, for that to happen.



We're STILL trying to figure out what was going on with Chalyx & Calyrex BEFORE that (2021). There's definitely a strong fondness there, but it seems to be notably "queerplatonic." There's no attraction or romance, but there is a strong love nevertheless, and that's awesome to recognize. We just have no idea where Chalyx went and since we never played Sword/Shield, we have no actual interaction with Calyrex otherwise.

We ALSO have no idea what's going on with "Tammy." She's bizarre because, like Galadia, she's not from a game; she's just a Gardevoir who "manifested" in Heartspace because we felt such a strong affection for the species. But she's so enigmatic. She's never spoken to us. But she's real; we can see her, we feel her vibe clearly, we just... don't know her as a person yet.

Someone we may not have ever mentioned here because of her bizarre history is Marsha. She was a Marshadow plush that someone from Tilly's era actually stole from Walmart because we were flat broke but we loved her? Except almost as a DAUGHTER. Which is UNPRECEDENTED.
All the Pokemon plushies we had during that time period-- which also included a Jigglypuff, and I think a Chansey? as well as Victini & Celebi & Banette & Hoopa & Diancie-- got thrown in a donation bin during one of Tilly's "annihilate everything that's not explicitly Christian" benders. We mourn that loss still, but we accept it. It... wouldn't have been fair to "force" those Pokemon to continue to live in the aftermath of that horrific era. For their anchor plushies to have been lost was really for the best; it was a solid break from that time period.
Unfortunately Marsha never "came back," or at least, not yet. We don't know how or where she would, but we won't cancel out the possibility.


As for other Pokemon...
Nidoking is Jewel's BFF forever because he's actually her first Pokemon. So although the species is gorgeous, that's as far as it's going, haha.
There's an affection for Alakazam, too. They've always been one of our faves, but I think there's queerplatonic potential here too? Which is really sweet.
Someone keeps wondering about Gothitelle? It FEELS like that "Jacinth" girl again! But this boggles us yet it's been constant. That girl has different preferences than anyone else.
Jay was also super fond of his Chesnaught, Zedrick, as a pal. I want to mention that because he was our first Grass starter ever, and there's such a warmth in our heart for him from that timeline. That needs to be honored.

And then there's Toshinsei. Jay's Aegislash. He's second place only to Celebi and Ventrium is a close third. (Gleam SHOULD be higher up but these are the facts right now). 



(unfinished; posting nevertheless due to important info. we will add more to this when able as a result)

Dream: (rough notes)
in big library, kid named Julia, big fan of Celebi. playing with little clear plastic toys of her & venusaur. we joined her & said we were a huge fan of celebi too. she was overjoyed and we hit it off immediately
talking to her & her mom about pokemon movies? julia had life trauma from the time she watched "the one with shaymin & darkrai" and when we mentioned it she actually stress-vomited. library called the ambulance, said we "had to go to the ER" as "proper procedure" because legally if we needed it and didn't go they'd get sued or something. so we were waiting for the ambulance and i think it was pouring rain outside, like buckets of it. parking lot looked like a lake.
RIGHT AROUND HERE we WOKE UP BRIEFLY but thanks be to God when we fell back asleep it was soon enough that we went RIGHT BACK INTO THE DREAM... BUT ON A BETTER DREAM LEVEL. which means we were CONSCIOUS!!!
we were in ER waiting room now. JAY was fronting. white hair and all. he was talking to julia, calming her down. "i have a best friend named julie"
Laurie showed up! i think in further response to this friend-foni talk. julia's mother asked who she was, Jay said she was his "body&soul-guard"
"That's the sweetest thing you've said to me all week" "only this week?" "yeah you've got a sugarhigh of a history kiddo"
JEWEL showed up, i think through HOOPA opening a portal?? wanted to help julia with healing the trauma around the pokemon movie?
i remember her smiling, putting her arms out, then stepping back and FALLING?? like she fell OUT of this reality and INTO another, into the air actually. she was above an ocean, with a single island below. as she fell, she was transforming INTO a skyform shaymin, but more klonoa-styled haha. on the island it was all gracidea flowers & landform shaymin. saw her, shocked, transformed too. jewel told her that she needed a flower as a gift, and also if she could come with her i think??
also manaphy in the ocean?? suddenly showed up, made a little vase of "pure water" for it. then DARKRAI showed up??? specifically one she KNEW. there was a powerful feeling of relationship, but NOT ventrium; this was one from her game?? anyway he wanted to help with the healing too of course, so he tried to put "anti-nightmare" energy into the flowers, made them turn glowy indigo, but shaymin was nervous, it was reacting oddly. darkrai apologized, took the energy back. jewel said it's okay, we'll still find something for you to do. then jewel called HOOPA (he was the one from the system!!) & took the vase of flowers to XERNEAS and had him "bless it" so the flower would never die. going back to the island, darkrai then made a little crystal moon charm and put it on the ribbon, filled the charm with that good-dream energy. he said something about cresselia having given him her blessing? so he could do things like that.
SOMEONE put the ribbon on that vase too. i cannot remember who. was it diancie??
oh but the last person to show up was MEWTWO! and yes she was the one we've known SINCE CHILDHOOD. i forget what she did, but i know she added some sort of charm to the ribbon too.
anyway, after all this Jewel & Hoopa & Darkrai went back to the ER room and presented the flowers & vase to Julia, explaining the motive, and she was obviously both moved & thrilled, thanked them so much. her mother was just amazed but smiling at all this. it was all so sweet. 
also lastly YES CELEBI SHOWED UP. i cannot remember when, maybe before jewel, but she was talking to Julia in person. i remember jay looking at her with powerful affection. her eyes were very clear. she said she was "just one celebi," there were many, and she "wasn't julia's celebi" but she still cared about her. and she would "find her own celebi" one day? as a true friend? something like that. all struck our heart very deeply.
we woke up somewhere around here, because we FELT the waking world encroaching in, whenever we're conscious in dreams we wake up "soft," like surfacing from being underwater. there's no change in mental awareness, like the hard and often painful "jolt-break" from unconscious dreams.
i DO remember that we said something to julia & her mom as we left, because our departure WAS VISIBLE in the dream obviously.

within ten minutes of waking, sudden phone call.
JADE EVICTED AGAIN.

BK rush. Music on to prevent panic. cleanup early.
everyone in headspace asking what was going on, it was so weird & unusual. worried.

MOM CALLED the minute we finally sat down to eat. said GO MOVE JADE OUT NOW
Left breakfast immediately & drove out. learning to be prompt in doing good, still learning not to "complain" like we mentioned "do you want me to leave now? because i just sat down to eat, so i need to know if i should stick it in the fridge and just run" etc. why do you need to passively mention the inconvenience. shut up. stop doing that. stop being so selfish.
STILL. we obeyed immediately. did not gripe or whine at ALL. not even the feelings to do so. THANK GOD. means that corrupt interference is losing its push. genuine self getting better anchor. thank You God. keep praying for grace!!

had to help Jade clean up & pack, then unpack onto porch of family house. didn't go in, no keys but also did not want that atmosphere to slam into our memory like the truck in sonic adventure haha
telling jade that the forest outside that house "feels genuinely sacred." it's diamew after all. said we would stand in front of the real estate monolith's bulldozers if we had to, we would NOT let them touch the woods. it would be sacrilege.

MANIC SINGERS pushed out home drive, "we're doing our job, burning off the stress!" rubellite i think her name is. the one that feels a bit like jewel but notably isn't. actually really touching to hear that she knows she has a JOB and she is doing it FOR OTHERS. changes the whole vibe.
ACTUAL JEWEL out momentarily for Keane comment, that album belonged to S&B first!!!

BK finally at 2pm haha. It's cold, bonus points for that in this heat, thanks God!
actually tasted a LOT better this way haha. might have to do this on purpose tomorrow.
Gotta rush for church!

MADE IT just barely haha
mom singing throaty and forced and overly dramatic. actually made us nauseous with BOTH fear & rage. went NUMB though, instead of furious. starting to feel more like we're trapped in trauma now, when we hear her. "fight" is turning to "freeze".

memory failure bad today, like usual. too much stress & phone calls & family disturbance. cannot remember much at all. brain doesn't want to. can't cope with it if it did.

said full set of night prayers. fought both mental & physical fatigue to do so. "heroic virtue" motivation, even in tiny things.
took almost 90m. exhausted.

trying to get back into system mindset
realizing the reason we've felt dormant since may is because of the OUTSIDE FOCUS. the jademonth and then the novena. and the MOVIE MARATHON IS ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL TOO?? closer to heartspace. makes sense; that's Jewel's territory

just realized what time it is and we have to be up at 7 for church!

(speech to text)

Woke up at 845

Another rough day so far.

I keep getting massive stuttering panic attacks when I have to talk to people, even my own grandmother. I feel like I'm in court, like there is no such thing as an innocent conversation anymore. I'm so ashamed of myself, of my very existence right now. I know its because of the gluttonous weight gain diet I'm on. I'm utterly humiliated. I'm so FAT. Everything hurts, and I'm always nauseous. I can't even sleep at night. I want to sob.

People keep asking weird questions about my diet plan, too, and making weird comments. Even the kitchen. I want to throw up and scream and weep and die. I have no appetite at all anymore. I don't want to eat. I'm so bloody tired of food. The very act of eating feels like torture, like abuse, all over again. I'm so tired.

I still haven't heard a thing about inpatient.

I have a pounding headache again. I bet it's the butter.

I'm fasting tomorrow, though. I've decided. No meat, no butter. I have to. I'm getting so gross.

I must be severely intolerant to some food I'm eating. Maybe the cheese? It's new. But the headaches, the hot flashes, the heart racing, the fatigue, the phlegm coughs-- is this going to be my life now? Just sickness and suffering whenever I have to eat? Can I offer this up as a cross? Or does it not count, because it's a sin? Why is every act of eating objectively a heinous SIN???

I want to go home. I give up.

If there's no inpatient or residential, I will do PHP. Or even better, i hope there's no PHP either, and I can just dissociate from all this and pick up where I left off, taking care of grandma all day and all night-- a life of loving service, not demonic food.

Except... I was fighting and losing this war then, too. That's why I'm here, the asshole who ate enough to feed a small country and then puked it all up, sobbing and helpless and STUPID STUPID STUPID.

I just want this all to stop.

I want to cry.

My self image in nightmares is fat now, and fat = whore. Inevitably now if I become aware of this body in a dream, "I" immediately become a catty prostitute and end up reliving trauma memories. I hate this. I want to be thin and pure and safe and REAL again. Not this garbage bag of devil flesh.

I struggled to come to terms with my new reflection all last week. This body is so bloated I look like a corpse. My skin hurts all over like a bruise from the sudden stretching-out.

I tried real hard to give it a positive spin. "I have Mewtwo legs now," I thought. "I have an Alcremie body now." Trying to associate size with something sweet, something strong. But it's not working. It's fighting too horrific and powerful an enemy.

When I look in the mirror, I see everything I'm terrified of.

I have Y's legs.

I have C's face.

I have S's stomach.

I have mom's shape.

I want to DIE.

I WANT TO DIE IF I HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS.

...Maybe that's why I'm forcing the butter, besides UPMC programming. Everyone just wants me to gain weight, with NO thought for my psychological or spiritual health, and the fastest way to do that is by pushing fats and carbs. Butter and pasta. Literal whore food. If I saw myself eating that outside of this prison I would eviscerate this bloated body with a butcher knife.

God I miss knives, oh God I miss the knives and the razors and the sharp-edged combs. I wonder if I could get a plastic knife, smuggle it into the bathroom... get a plastic comb, break its teeth so it learns to bite. 2010 era flashbacks. White-haired, red-stained days. Blood and horror. Why do I miss that, so suddenly? Do I miss the family inside? Oh I do, I do, who am I kidding, I miss Knife and Razor and Wreckage and everyone else. I miss being alive.

"Lord, grant me an upright mind."

God, I cannot drag my mind out of this. I must think of You but I feel trapped in my mourning. Is that a sin? Is this pride?

God, how can I serve You even in this distress?

Let's go back to the body.

Laurie told me there is hope, there is possibility. Yes, I look hideously ugly and frightening right now. Yes, I feel very sick and shaken. But this hell space of food focus is temporary. Sooner or later, I will be in a QUIET place, away from constant strangers conversations, able to exercise and sleep and sing and play music and write and paint and go to church. Eventually I will be free of this. And then I can FIX THIS.

I can start running miles every day again. I can eat my safe vegetables and not push calories. I can go outside and see the trees. I can live.

But I can also utilize this weight, Laurie said. Looking at my body frame, I'm not as stick thin as I always wished and thought I was? I appear to be built sturdier, thicker. I've got wide shoulders and solid limbs. If I get an exercise routine going (remember the Sonic & Medabots biking days???) I can get this fat to fuel MUSCLE growth. So that's hope at least.

The deeper problem is... do I want to be so strong? Yeah, it's definitely a desirable possibility on one hand, but... even deeper down, I still... admittedly I want to stay 11 years old. I want my child body back, thin and slender and safe and pure and lively and bright and UNSEXED AND UNTOUCHED.

I want to cry. I can't grow up, not really. I can't integrate the concept.

...Well. The good news is I just threw up. My sitting nurse is that super quiet handsome guy that first sat here after I had that trauma meltdown from that one lady last week. Thank God. I know the redhead kid last night had his purpose too-- I learned a LOT from that-- but the mental and physical pain I was getting from lunch was too much to bear safely. I was legit PLANNING to bleed. That CANNOT be taken lightly, in BOTH senses-- blood is holy and should NEVER flow for something as stupid as self hatred over food. Now, if it was in atonement for my gluttony and wastefulness... but no. Not even that justifies it anymore, now that I understand my faith more.

...They just started singing the Anima Christi hymn on EWTN. I want to cry. God, I cannot fathom how You can still love me like that.

...I need to return to the growing-up concept, now that my stomach is emptier and I can form a coherent thought.

I am, honestly, afraid of looking like I did when I was about 17, before I started to drop weight (remember I was GORGEOUSLY THIN in 2012; I miss that so much). High school was the last time I was fat-- once college hit, trauma memories resurfaced and that weight became a tangible, inescapable perpetuation of it. But prior to that, prior to the Spectrum waking up-- yes, there was a time when it was ONLY the coregroup gang-- I did not remember the terror, and my childhood had been buried for protection, so the body was wild and manic and energetic and RED. Every photo I see of the body from high school is FRIGHTENING. The eyes are wild, the clothes are tight, the muscles are firm, the grin is violent. She was a demon in a very real sense, at least looking back visually.

But our INNER world back then was PROLIFIC despite the physical beastliness. Our inner self, that "Jewel," was the one who was obsessed with Trigun and Chrno Crusade and Zatch Bell, with Medabots and Sonic and NiGHTS and Pokémon, with Yugioh and Sailor Moon and DragonBall Z, with Tokyo Mew Mew and Transformers and Fullmetal Alchemist. She LIVED in media and she LOVED the souls she met there. She lived ENTIRELY out of herself. So she never even knew what her body was like. But she was MANIACAL in her own right. She had more sheer energy that she knew what to do with. Yes, she loved to run and exercise, that we know. But as for life in public? She was nonexistent. And when you put a manic red wildness out among people... you get hell. You end up with a gluttonous, violent slut.

That's why the photos are terrifying. SOMEONE ELSE WAS DRIVING THE BODY, because the STATE of the body was INCOMPATIBLE WITH OUR TRUE SELF. If our current Jewel, crazy as she was, couldn't even inhabit it... then our child self NEVER could. And that means that big body was INCOMPATIBLE WITH INNOCENCE. It could never be pure. It could never be gentle. It could never be safe. It could never be good.

So. I NEVER WANT THE BODY TO LOOK LIKE THAT AGAIN BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT EVILS WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ITS SIZE AND STRENGTH AND HEALTH, and I KNOW THAT IT IS A HELLFIRE ENVIRONMENT THAT WILL INCINERATE ALL CHILDHOOD PURITY IN AN INSTANT.

A big body is nothing but a furnace for destruction. I'm sorry. I don't care about potentially being muscular. That's not my job. It's not my purpose. I NEED to be small and thin and pure and good because like it or not, MY HEART IS RED and if you put that color in the wrong environment IT WILL ANNIHILATE ITSELF.

The trauma dreams prove this. My own bloody reflection right now proves this. I think that's why I keep having panic attacks and sobbing. I cannot cope with this literal hell. I would rather die. At least I would die pure.

But am I pure? Or am I just desperately grasping for it in the wake of unbearable loss, trying to scrub the tar out of my soul and hoping there's still white underneath?

Only God can save me. Only God can heal me now. Only God can fix my utterly broken body and soul, but at this point I would genuinely be happiest if He just... forgave my heinous sins and washed me clean in His blood and let me die like that. I don't want to live anymore, I see no future for me-- except, no, I do, but it's impossible to realize physically and THAT makes me want to cry until the entire world is flooded from heartbreak.

Sounds familiar, doesn't it.

...That's the only way I could ever grow up. Somehow, maybe. God knows. But it's the only possibility. It's the only blessed option. Every other path to adulthood is hideous with trauma and its frantic stains of regret and terror.

I still want to be a nun, yes. But somehow that doesn't register as "growing up." It feels rather like perpetual childhood, because it IS so absolutely inherently pure and kind and good and gentle and safe and holy and untouchable. Religious life IS my ideal, and if God is willing to accept me as such, then please oh Lord, accept me. Guide me to the right convent. Show me, clearly please because my mind is broken, where You would have me live and love You. Show me, I beg of You, if it be Your Will for me.

...but. if it's not.

then my only other option to grow up is to get married.

and there's only one safe way for me to do that in the entire created universe.

...I can't even type it. It's too sacred. I cannot talk about it in common language, in words that even the secular culture uses and abuses and mocks and mangled. It's SO blessed a thing that, as I tragically said, it isn't even possible in this world-- not with this body, not with this past. Unless God works a reality-bending miracle, I cannot get married in this physical life, not as marriage is meant to be. I know this.

...but, God, lately I've actually started to want it.

Oh, I never really did before, not truly. I know this too. I took a simple vow of celibacy in 2nd grade, disgusted by dating and infatuation and sexuality as a whole, and I kept it right up until the initial onslaught of abuse took it from me in 8th grade. That broke me, and ironically cemented my determination to detach completely from all sexuality in this world, especially marriage, in which it was mandatory.

...Then I fell impossibly in love.

Seven years later, my heart changed completely, and... for the first time in my life, I had hope that God could fix even me. I had hope that, despite everything, God could heal my shattered soul and show me what He meant marriage to be.

But I went about it wrong.

I brought the body into it.

And everything went to hell.

It's an old story. But it's important in this context.

...I don't want to eat dinner tonight. I'm actually not bloated right now. I've also been exercising as much as I can while hospitalized and that is helping too. But... if I don't eat tonight, I will get in trouble, and they're weighing me tomorrow anyway so if that number drops I'm really sunk. God help me, I'm so tired of food.

I'm starving but I'm so tired of the food that perishes. It's not what I need.

I need the Eucharist, for one. That's tops. But flowing from that, I am so tragically hungry for love.

...I guess you could say I even have an appetite for it.

God, You knew what You were doing, giving me that dream, huh. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, Father Cedric Pisegna drove that point right between my ribs on Sunday, too; the spiritually hungry look for spiritual food, and God promises that they will find it. Without that appetite, there's no seeking. Without that want, that ache... and I'm not talking about the physical. That garbage has nothing to do with this. I'm talking about a hungry heart. I'm talking about deer and running streams. I'm talking about "This is My Body." I'm talking about LOVE. I'm talking about GOD.

And that's why I want to get married.

I've been....obsessed with the entire concept lately, as a concept, as a core, a heart-- the essence studied apart from the worldly distortions and lies. Looking at its very soul has shown me the absolute beauty of it, the absolute holiness of it, and I understand why Christ is the Bridegroom and why He constantly talks about His relationship with us-- us!!-- in marital terms. It's mind-blowing and yet it's TRUE-- and that would have TERRIFIED me at any point in the past when I didn't get it. Because I didn't, not until now.

But why now?

Maybe it's because I know I'm dying. Maybe it's because I know I'm starting. Maybe it's because I'm so tired of not loving as much as my heart demands and the only way TO do so is to give myself to my beloved totally. That's how God does it. And I think-- no, I know I must do the same, or my heart will die from sorrow. I'm RED, for heaven's sakes. My entire soul is defined by ardor, by holy fire, by warmth and life and blood and... and love, love so absolute and true that it must encompass everything. God is Love, and the Trinity is a relationship, and Jesus is our Bridegroom, and if we therefore want (need) to immerse ourselves fully in that love, we have to get married. Either to God, or to a God-loving soul. I can only be a nun or a wife.

Except I think God is changing that "or" to "and." Paradoxically.

I cannot get married physically. I might not be accepted into a convent because of my health. BUT. I can still somehow be both a 'nun' in the world and a wife in my heart. At least, God, I hope so. I want that more than anything.

I can still be a consecrated virgin physically, I hope. At least I can vow myself to God nevertheless.

But in my innerworld... I am so wracked with indecision. I can't just turn off love. I can't just act like eighteen years of love never happened. I can't just abandon the only thing that has ever legitimately felt like a vocation to me... yes, awfully, even moreso than wearing a habit, because to be totally blunt with you, my joining a convent would involve more than a little bit of "running away from the world to be with God" and that's not proper motivation. Honestly I just adore God and in a sense I feel like being a nun is the ONLY way to love Him enough.

...But He also gave me someone that I love so much, it has brought me closer TO God than anything else in my entire life. And God knows that. I know He does. We've talked about it.

And that's where I stand tonight.

...but if I died tonight, I wouldn't even care about marriage or my body or anything. I just care about God. He's all that matters, no matter how stupid and wretched I've been. God, I really do love You more than anything. I'm so sorry for everything. Please, forgive me, and have mercy on my poor soul.

Time to figure out my buddy CALYREX!! ❤

Basic= GALAR region= gallant, gala, GALAHAD (King Arthur), HOLY GRAIL (ALL CHALICE INFO RELEVANT), & disease (Gaelic)
Dynamax curse= PAPILLOMAVIRUS HORNS!!!
✱ Based on UK, notably WALES, SCOTLAND, & the ISLE OF MAN. (+London, Bath, Liverpool, etc.)

✱ He is a WOLPERTINGER: a rabbit-deer. "General rule" is JAY WINGS, ROEBUCK ANTLERS, COTTON OR PHEASANT TAILS, & SABER FANGS. (fusion) (+duck feet?) "CHIMERICAL"?? They are very shy & live in dark Bavarian forests (conifers, rolling mountains, MASSIVE.) They have a weakness for female beauty and, like unicorns, can only be caught by a beautiful young woman-- ideally at night, on a full moon, in a secluded nook. "They... fall in love with human females."
✱ ARCTIC ones are "snow hare, polar fox, reindeer, & snow owl" fusions, "beautiful & deadly"
✱ Related to JACKALOPES? Shy unless approached, then deadly. POISON BITE? Can imitate the human voice!
✱ Wolpertingers are a GLOBAL phenomenon. "One must be drunk to see them"? Partial to drink (whiskey), too.
✱ "Warrior rabbits"! ALSO, HORNED RABBITS go way back, to Persia, Medieval manuscripts, etc.
✱ KAUYUMARI? "Blue deer" deity; seems to fit "life-bringer" "harrower of hell" tropes?? Antlers from RABBIT? ALSO ties to LIVE-GIVING BLOOD? (CHALICE! PLUS Kauyumari is tied to WATER?? ) + "Overwhelming perception" with which he "secures life" = the "divine essence in all things". = "NIERIKA": portal that CONNECTS THE (3) WORLDS = a mirror, holes carved in stone, EYE OF GOD, FACE OF DIVINE = most notably all refer to PEYOTE, "the visionary sacrament through which they can be in contact with the realm of the sacred" = "The intimate relationship between [plants & humans], evidenced by certain plants producing substances that can influence the depths of human mind & spirit" & "the wonderful/ dreadful effects prove their religious importance & the sacred respect they are due" effectively. Psychoactive plants have SACRAMENTAL purposes, + medicine! There are many, but we're focusing on PEYOTE: it is American (jackalopes) AND it blooms as a CACTUS, reminiscent in shape with Calyrex's head & notable as such.
✱ PRAYER BOWLS (chalices) & WHITE FLOWERS (life) tied to HOLY WORDS-- kept in a basket ("hamper" = "hanepier" = case for holding a CUP = "hanap" CHALICE) (But ALSO in medicine, "hanepier" = SKULL or HELMET→) held by his ANTLERS, & received BY THE HEART. Again, there's a lot, & I don't need it all, nor do I want to appropriate it-- we're just looking for relevance to Calyrex, and, always, for reference to CHRIST.
✱ On that note! "Blue Deer was created to give life to the votive offerings (to God?), so he is connected to the PRAYER BOWL, full of fresh water (the nierika = portal to sacred = BAPTISM??) & given to "OUR MOTHER OF THE SEA" (STELLA MARIS + OCEAN OF DIVINE MERCY), as his BLOOD gives LIFE to the prayer bowls"!! OBVIOUS EUCHARISTIC CHALICE. Also notable, "Blue Deer offers his blood in sacrifice to nurture & grow the CORN" = staple crop = wheat/ bread of life = EUCHARIST again!!
✱ LASTLY there is a SHEEP, "its blood was the first shed to allow Kauyumari's words to rest (in the heart?); in its head is a plumed ARROW, attracting his words & embodying the Spirit of the sacrificed lamb." CHRIST = SACRIFICIAL LAMB = WORD OF GOD = HOLY SPIRIT = ARROWS OF LOVE/ REPARATION FOR BLASPHEMY = FREE WILL (in the head) + RATIONAL SACRIFICE, etc. Very rich in Christ symbolism, unsurprisingly!
✱ Another notable paraphrased myth of BLUE DEER is that he first appeared to a group of starving youths, all glorious & fat, so as they chased him in hunger he pitied them & instead led them to PEYOTE-- it SATIATED THEIR PHYSICAL & SPIRITUAL HUNGER & THIRST, despite intense famine, AND it was also MEDICINE for healing their diseases of malnourishment & poverty! (EUCHARIST) It was, all in one, "rain, food, & health"-- BOTH "deer & corn," essentially both BLOOD & BREAD (EUCHARIST). But the packaged significance & parallels of all this being in a SACRED CACTUS PLANT is notable, ALSO to Christ Jesus, Who was a desert flower of abundance & health blooming in the Palestine deserts & the dry starving hearts of unbelieving men. "Christ is the Vine," yes, but He's also the APPLE TREE... which is our next point!
✱ But first, PEONIES. Calyrex's head bud looks JUST like a peony bud, just white. They are often called the "KING OF FLOWERS"? In China, it symbolizes royalty, wealth, honor, bravery, & integrity-- but also it was exchanged upon farewells as a GIFT OF LOVE.
✱ In Japanese tattoos, peonies are associated with a novel in which 108 men/women were "banished to the hills by the feudal government" & banded together to "ferociously" foil their oppressors-- they were the "Outlaws of the Marsh" & were covered in tattoos, often peonies. Also titled "ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS." It's not really relevant, except for the possible idea of heroic rebellion against unjust power & invaders.
✱ Peonies also mean COMPASSION, purity, lifelong commitment, joy, & MARRIAGE? They live long!
✱ BTW, peony = heal; Calyrex MENDS HEARTS!!
✱ Peonies don't like to be moved or divided, need to mature for years before blooming, cannot have too deep roots, & need support to hold their weight. All that can & should be expanded symbolically IN RESPECT TO CALYREX-- also taking into account his BUD STATE.
✱ In winter, the foliage dies back BUT the CROWN & ROOTS survive (Calyrex silhouette??) They need drained soil & full sun or they ROT. Also "if they don't go dormant in winter, they will flower poorly the next year." Cutting down to ONE bud will boost its size.
✱ Flower lack is caused by no sun, overcrowding/ competition, disease, or "PLANTING CROWNS TOO DEEPLY."
✱ Peonies, though, thrive in cooler, dry places with lots of sun. They are NATIVE TO ASIA.
✱ ETYMOLOGY = "Paeon," Greek student of "god of medicine" Aesculapius; teacher got jealous & Zeus saved Paeon by making him a flower. Paeon is considered the "physician of the gods", HEALING ALL THEIR BATTLE WOUNDS. That's CANON! It also pings for King Arthur again, with the Grail (chalice), but we'll get there.
✱ The name "Paieon" ALSO was used for ANY "god" who was a "deliverer from any evil or calamity," even sorrow & pain. Again, CANON. Paradoxically, "paiein" means TO STRIKE, giving "destroyer" vibes, & so "Paean" would both heal & avert evils AND go to battle to strike AT those evils. Hymns & warsongs both. PROMPT.
✱ Paieon healed with HERBS (hello Peyote) & "knew the remedies for all things"; the "healer of pain."
✱ HE WAS SAID TO "HAVE NO PART IN DESIRE; HE IS ALIEN TO THE EROTES" = CHASTITY!!
✱ TONS of references to plants as medicine.
✱ Paeon used the PEONY ROOT (liquid) to CURE HADES??? It was a POISON ARROW TO THE SHOULDER. (See Blue Deer!!) BTW HADES ≠ HELL.
✱ Deer were an ancient STAPLE FOOD & were frequently seen as MESSENGERS OF GOD (angels!!)-- Calyrex has a notably wing-shaped cape!
✱ WARRIOR RABBITS, too-- they fight with their horns.
✱ CALYREX IS NOT A SKVADER; he also DOESN'T HAVE ACTUAL HORNS-- he has ears split into FOUR, which act like sepals. His bud is TRANSLUCENT when light hits it in official art??
✱ His cape ONLY becomes frilly & winglike ON HIS HORSE-- more Apocalypse angel vibes = White: CONQUEST (IN CHRIST??) & BLACK: FAMINE, in stark contrast to his title as the "King of Bountiful Harvests"-- although, on Spectrier, it is said they "ran all over Galar to BRING GREEN TO THE WASTELANDS." This is so notable-- Calyrex can both cause plants to "spring forth" and can MEND HEARTS!! So despite Spectrier's ghostly tendency to drain life & herald famine, Calyrex HEALS it and TRANSMUTES the presence of famine into a herald of MIRACULOUS ABUNDANCE.
✱ LIKEWISE, Glastrier-- a forceful, brutal, arrogant conqueror-- has its heart MELTED in a sense BY CALYREX, who uses its power for good in serving/ saving the weak, AND by uniting raw "justice" (in war) to MERCY, as Calyrex HEALED HIS ENEMIES WOUNDS after battle (PAEON)!!!
✱ BUT YOU NEED THE REINS OF UNITY. Without this BOND of LOVE (the horses are called "beloved" & "faithful" by Calyrex), THERE IS NO LOVING TRANSMUTATION. "Make all thoughts captive to Christ & obedient to Him!" Christ is the TRUE KING, Who alone bestows kingly authority on earth, AND charges all kings to justly IMITATE HIS EXAMPLE of mercy, humility, love, & service. "The greatest must be a servant," etc.
✱ The reins ALLOW those they unite TO communicate with each other (love surmounts ALL obstacles), enhance Calyrex's power "over bountiful harvests" (blessings of abundance TO FEED THE HUNGRY & GIVE LIFE), "unite him TO his beloved steed," AND were GIVEN TO CALYREX BY THE PEOPLE!!!
✱ They CREATE it by fusing a lock of hair (black or white) from either steed WITH a beautiful, Radiant BLUE Petal Calyrex gives YOU from HIMSELF. The horsehair can only be obtained by DEFEATING them-- a humbling act-- and when fused with the petal, they BECOME the reins, now luminous blue (seen in card art quite strikingly). Like this, they are "AS ONE"-- a paradox, but a blessed one-- it shows, literally, how unity via self-giving love & its resultant communication-- unity with CHRIST, the Life-giver & King-- can REDEEM & SANCTIFY ANYONE, no matter how troubled & lost. Calyrex TAMED him & now, instead of selfish rage & pride, he is loyal & uses his power for THE GOOD OF THE SAME PEOPLE HE USED TO TERRORIZE-- notably, by "ravaging & raiding" ALL OF THEIR FOOD, especially the CARROTS! THAT is when the Reins of Unity were forged: in gratitude, AFTER Spectrier & Glastrier had been HUMBLED and now SERVED in loyal LOVE. Their hearts had to BE bondable first!
✱ THEIR INITIAL FUSION CREATED A BOUNTIFUL FOREST IN THE WASTE (FAMINE & DEATH DEFEATED)!!! THEN they traveled & spread green life & food; again, an apostolate effect of sorts.
✱ The PEOPLE built the CROWN SHRINE for them to live in-- a GORGEOUS monastery-esque structure with STAINED GLASS even. BUT!!!! WHEN THE PEOPLE GOT COMPLACENT & LOST FAITH & GRATITUDE, CALYREX LOST HIS POWER TO DO GOOD for them, the Reins of Unity BROKE, and they faded into legend. (BTW Crown = King = CHRIST)
✱ CALYREX CAN SEE ALL OF TIME??? "KNOWN" events specifically?? So there's NOT omniscience, but WISDOM & CLARITY & KNOWLEDGE. Holy Spirit gifts, really.
✱ Yearly, Calyrex brought food & vegetation to the people = his LEFT hand for fruit, his RIGHT for verdant blooms & grass.
✱ Assumedly prior to all this, Calyrex was FOUND INJURED in the Crown Tundra DURING A TIME WHEN IT WAS BARREN & INHOSPITABLE. Calyrex just APPEARED during a bleak winter, "regal yet wounded & weak" (Christlike), so the people were MOVED TO PITY, took him into their village, and nursed him back to health!! (Loving service) Once healed, Calyrex "emitted a dazzling BLUE (heavenly) light" that turned the tundra into lush plains. The people then thrived DESPITE the frigid & barren region BECAUSE CALYREX SUSTAINED THEM WITH HIS CONSTANT BLESSING. The people now considered him their KING, perhaps because his life-nurturing power already did hold a sort of honorable rule over them, in gratitude & goodness (you WANT to serve such a gentle & loving King).
✱ CALYREX ALSO PERSONALLY PROMISED to tame Glastrier/ Spectrier, a "ruffian" & rebel, and soon enough he was "BENDING HIS KNEES" to Calyrex in CONVERSION & LOYALTY (lost sheep/ prodigal son?)! THAT'S when the people made the Reins of Unity FOR them, so Calyrex could "command him with ease."
✱ I find that detail SO notable-- Calyrex DIDN'T & perhaps COULDN'T make the reins; he didn't demand Glas/Spec's loyalty so "hard." BUT the bonds were forged BY THOSE THEY SERVED, not as a control device, but as a SIGN OF GRATITUDE, and even a SYMBOL OF FRIENDSHIP, as the reins REQUIRE a GIFT OF SELF from BOTH parties, which the people only UNITE for a new purpose of closer unity-- more loyalty & ease of obedience THROUGH self-giving relationship, NOT control or force, just GUIDANCE (easy yoke)! AND IT HAD TO BE REMADE YEARLY. Their relationship & commitment NEEDED that regular, true rededication & renewal... BUT. IT ALSO BANKED ON THE FAITH & GRATITUDE OF THE PEOPLE THEY SERVED. Without their love, Calyrex & Glas/Spec's bond would weaken & break-- pride & arrogance would again replace Glas/Spec's humility, angry as he would be with their lax hearts, & Calyrex would lose his ability to do them good as their hearts would slowly but surely turn cold towards him as their faith & love waned.
✱ Glas/Spec LEFT Calyrex then, as they had no power or purpose, & thus no reason to stay united. Glas/Spec went to the Crown Shrine & Calyrex disappeared?-- a show of arrogant taunting vs meek humility, it seems.
✱ The Crown Shrine was built AROUND a "sacred sapling"? No origin given. Perhaps it was the first green thing Calyrex brought forth. But the Shrine/ Temple, like a Church, was built TO GIVE CALYREX A "WORTHY HOME." You can't ignore the Catholic architecture here... nor the fact that, when they LOST faith, CALYREX (the gentle king of life) LEFT IT, & GLAS/SPEC (rebel of pride & destruction) TOOK OVER. It was heavily symbolic of the state of the people's hearts: who & what they were REALLY worshipping in their forgetfulness of LOVE & the King that loved them (Christ parallels). The barrenness in their hearts brought the same fate to their land, & they began to starve & freeze again, without the warmth & nourishment that grateful faith & love ALLOWED to enter & change their lives!
✱ There's a WEIRD myth post-Calyrex that claims he would "steal the body of those who misbehaved," which strikes me as a GROSS MISUNDERSTANDING of the nature of his bond/union with Glas/Spec. Their fusion was NOT a "stealing of one" BUT a "sharing of TWO." Their bodies remained INDIVIDUAL, BUT now operated AS ONE, in a sync born NOT of force, power, or control, but of HUMBLE, LOYAL, GRATEFUL, FRIENDLY LOVE. It's a COOPERATION for a GREATER GOOD & PURPOSE THROUGH self-giving & self-sacrifice to the point of achieving a FULLER self, FOR OTHERS' SAKE. Also, the specific mention of "misbehaving" also reveals their fear (therefore NO "perfect love") of justice & inability to grasp BOTH mercy AND conversion??? Because Glas/Spec REALLY misbehaved, BUT he never lost his body-- actually, EVEN IF HE DIED & SPLIT IN TWO, HIS BODY WAS NOT LOST TO DEATH?? Big Christ/ resurrection vibes; "if you life IN ME and I IN YOU, YOU WILL NEVER DIE." But the people couldn't grasp the SHARING & SELF-SURRENDER/ GIVING for the sake of cooperative love & SERVICE!!! Yes they worshipped Calyrex, yes they had faith, BUT was it only "because he multiplied the loaves"?? Was their devotion corrupted by becoming complacent in abundance, forgetting the utter famine he saved them from? Did they forget the tender compassion they showed him, which he reciprocated a thousandfold-- OR did they decide he OWED them, forgetting pure charity?? Either way, they could no longer even conceptualize the truth of Calyrex's actions; their lax hearts were blinded now. They forgot his face, & now could only mourn that vague yet keen loss of a King who once loved them so, & gave them riches untold without cost-- "come, all you who hunger, and dine without cost"-- recognizing their hopeless & powerless need. BUT THAT'S THE DOOR, THAT HUMILITY & CONTRITION & SEEKING, however feeble. Deep down they could still taste the heaven of mutual charity & I think they hungered for THAT even more than food. All they had now were fables, which kept their faith from totally dying thanks to HOPE-- an abandoned BUT extant church, testifying to a greater yet forgotten purpose AND the King for whom it was built (a King who COULD NOT MOVE BACK IN until/ unless they STOPPED WORSHIPPING IDOLS. so to speak)-- and a poor yet sincere effort at a statue, a sign of repentance and affection, an apology & a consolation all in one-- the King couldn't have been a mere myth, to hold such a place in their hearts, and that statue was a reminder of & hope for his literal presence to return & take its rightful place again.
✱ BUT THIS is the BEST part-- if the Crown Tundra people were prodigal children, then Calyrex was ABSOLUTELY the father. He NEVER LEFT! He is seen WATCHING OVER THEM, assumedly heartbroken & yearning too, POWERLESS to help WITHOUT FAITH, HUMILITY, LOVE, and REPENTANCE. Their doors AND hearts had to be UNLOCKED & OPEN for him to come back in & reign there... just like Glas/Spec, who would have to do the SAME now in the present. We'll get to that!
✱ BTW, CALYREX & GLAS/SPEC'S INITIAL FUSION WAS OF THEIR OWN HEARTS!! The reins, made by the people, were only a symbol OF the people, & only STRENGTHENED their unity BY GIVING IT A DIRECTION OF PURPOSE!!! It's not a chain, but a BOND. I can't emphasize that enough. It's becoming a SLAVE OF LOVE, a HUMBLE SERVANT, under a HUMBLE MASTER... Christ, His friends, & His people. I ALSO reiterate: The reins ALLOW the connected TO communicate with each other! They heighten their relationship from simple cooperation to DEVOTION. "I no longer call you servants but FRIENDS." This bond UNITES THEM AS BELOVED (!!!) and thus boosts Calyrex's ability to flourish life AND FOOD; again, Eucharistic vibes, as it is a SACRAMENTAL BOND, a COMMUNION, and LIFE-GIVING FOOD, THAT UNITES YOU TO THE WHOLE BODY OF CHRIST, His CHURCH-- the Temple of which HE is the Crown, the Head-- for the sake of LOVING SERVICE in FEEDING HIS SHEEP in the cold-hearted, desolate wastes of the devil's destructive attacks on the world. Calyrex, imitating Christ, is RESTORING Creation to its INTENDED state of nourishing life & love & giving & sharing! Food is grown AS A HARVEST not to be hoarded or gobbled, but to FEED THE HUNGRY, and to rejoice in CHRIST'S ABUNDANT LOVE, with "plenty of wicker baskets left over."
✱ THE CARROT SEEDS. "To plant IN A FIELD (parable of the sower!!!); the kind of carrot is determined by WHICH field you plant the seeds in." There are only TWO fertile grounds available... the SNOWY VALLEY (slope) and the OLD CEMETERY. Calyrex, imitating Christ IN HIS LOVE FOR THE LOST, is bringing food-- nourishment AND communion, a deeply natural act of love-- OUT OF BARRENNESS. Without cooperative love & care & concern, NOTHING would grow! You humbly buy the Seeds from an old farmer, it's so simple & pure. NORMAL carrot seeds, purchased from an old man who is STILL growing vegetables to feed his people, despite the cold & hard ground, sells YOU seeds so YOU can feed others too... and YOU'RE only buying them FOR a friend in need. It's all charity, simple as food & friendship.
✱ Carrots are hardy ROOT vegetables that can withstand tougher climates; they are actually TAPROOTS, reservoirs of nutrition for the plant, which are designed to dig DEEPLY into the soil to REACH WATER & SURVIVE DROUGHT. They are difficult to remove & are SINGULAR in purpose, not a tangled mes, and you CANNOT DIVIDE IT & have it still grow WITHOUT THE CROWN & ROOT IN EACH PART!!! "I am the Vine," etc., but ALSO Christ is our CROWN! And attached SINGULARLY to Him, we too can send down DEEP taproots int he dark yet fertile soils of life, where we WILL anchor in BY UNITY TO CHRIST BY FAITH, and absorb life from deeply hidden springs of LIVING WATER despite any lethal droughts on the surface world.
✱ OH. Also, Glastrier is PESTILENCE. He WEARS A CROWN & USES ARROWS (AGAIN). White horses in general were associated with warrior heroes, fertility, & END OF TIMES SAVIOR, Who traditionally rode a white horse in triumph over evil-- but white horses can ALSO mean DEATH, and when linked to pestilence/ disease, we have a tie to ETERNATUS as well. BUT. In general, horses represent freedom & power & spiritual awareness, BUT when the ego takes over that you get the ANTICHRIST, not the real Christ. In any case, it is CONQUEST.
✱ White horses are often PSYCHOPOMPS, guides between the LIVING & DEAD (Christ or Satan, abundance or famine, etc.). They are also heroic & pure & the ONLY fitting mount for a King! So there's a dichotomy, with which one Glastrier can become-- alone or serving Calyrex. An evil white horse has poison arrows; a good one, LOVE.
✱ Tangent: the BLACK horse of famine, Spectrier, is JUST (scales) in how misuse, neglect, & luxury will lead to LOSS & DEATH: "Memento mori," the ghostly steed reminds us of consequence and the beyond. It is ONLY by honoring the reality of death & the soul that we CAN let go of greed & gluttony, and THAT is why Calyrex uses Spectrier to BRING ABUNDANCE. "Our daily bread" is still needed, but we MUST RECEIVE IT FROM THE KING, and use it JUSTLY! Spectrier reminds us of the alternative & cost.
✱ White is FALSE PROPHETS of pride, of whitewashed tombs, of power held through lies.
✱ The Black horse DOESN'T TOUCH the oil & wine (blood & anointing?) but there's NO BREAD (Christ)!
✱ Carrots symbolize HONESTY, confidence in good conscience, integrity, wellbeing, HEALTH & PROSPERITY, fruits of labor, success in efforts, LONG patience (esp. hidden & dark). They also IMPROVE OUR EYESIGHT-- BOTH STEEDS ARE BASICALLY BLIND. They have NO vision on their own, wild & free but with NO DIRECTION. Calyrex's carrots are PURPOSE-- a vision of meaning & a future! This WILL bring them all those other good qualities.
✱ In Hebrew, CARROT = CUT ("g.z.r." root), as in making a DECISIVE CHOICE ("cut" a choice) one way or the other.  Combining this with the carrot-- given as FOOD, requiring a sort of surrender to humble service & helplessness (can't feed self, need help to live, NO PRIDE)-- is a choice between LIFE & DEATH again. Relatedly, the "carrot & stick" metaphor contrasts "hard vs soft" power-- obedience through punishment, OR through reward. Yes it's a basic start, BUT any good heart will inevitably soften to true devotion towards someone who is/was willing to feed & guide you even when you were greedy & stubborn & ungrateful. Calyrex just loves his horse and wants him back. So he, although nearly powerless alone, humbly asks others to aid him in this mission of mercy & kindness, PERPETUATING those virtues, all to grow his friend's favorite food as a PEACE GIFT-- Glas/Spec used to STEAL them! But here is one JUST for him, growing right in the midst of ice & graces-- love & life flourishing hardy & strong despite all odds. This carrot is the ultimate reward in what it manifests, of Calyrex & their bond. 

1. CROWN TEMPLE / SHRINE (CHRIST/ CHURCH HOME)
GLAS/SPEC IS STILL THERE, WATCHING, but WON'T COME OUT WITHOUT THE CARROT! (needs that tangible good, that hope made REAL)
2. PATH TO THE PEAK (CROWN PUN; "HEAD") = ALL barren snowy trees. STEPS! & AWFUL Giga beams. NO ABILITIES; stripped.
3. TUNNEL TO THE TOP/ SUMMIT (EUCHARIST REF, "source & summit") = CAVE. Winding! Tied to HEART; INITIATION? SEARCH FOR MEANING. + TOMB! ✞
4. SNOWY VALLEY/ SLOPE = FIRST snowy spot. Going UP! (get ice carrot)
5. GIANT'S BED = HUGE. → GIANT'S FOOT (scary) RUINS. DEVIL TRIED TO "STOMP OUT" GOOD??
↑(RUMBLING SEA CAVES → THREE POINT PASS → SPLIT DECISION RUINS → FRIGID SEA)
↑(FROSTPOINT FIELD = BETWEEN 2 PATHS. Cold. Flat, or UP) → FREEZINGTON (The ONLY settlement!!!) → (DEAD END) SLIPPERY slope/ Max lair (HELL)
6. OLD CEMETERY (shade carrot) (No snow. Lots of ghosts BUT ALSO NIDORAN??? "Till death do us part" pair??) (AUDINO too!! "Listen" and "hearing the HEART"; life despite death) (THERE ARE RUINS?? of CHURCHES??)
7. [RIVER] BALLIMERE LAKE → (surrounds) DYNA TREE HILL (in it) (GLUTTONY.) (Also NO HEALING POSSIBLE; just the tainted Berries!!! LOST EDEN SATAN TREE) → LAKESIDE CAVE

✱ About that fear of Calyrex "stealing bodies?" DEER & RABBITS DON'T EAT PEONIES.
✱ Peonies cure many diseases, and WHITE ones show APOLOGY. Also peonies are for 12th anniversaries= 12 is PERFECTION OF GOV'T AUTHORITY-- the King has returned, contrite, and seeks to COMPLETE his love-- Christ marrying His Church, and lovingly ruling Her.
✱White Peony ROOT is said to cure pain (sin), inflammation (vices), cramps (sin hinders), autoimmune (selfdestruct), & bloodclots (wrong life). There's TONS of symbolism! White Peony symbolizing "apology, regret, shame," and Peonies being generally "compassion, honor, fortune, joy, etc." = White: PURE, VS "White horse" paradox of PRIDE! The "King of Flowers" (CHRIST) purifies this color true, making it a bridge to HIM & His cures THROUGH that humility & love! For Calyrex to speak THROUGH PEONY exemplifies this. He's the flower given a HEALING gesture, to RESTORE relationship, allowing PERFECT KINGSHIP to be restored, thus curing the ills of stubborn pride and FLOURISHING THROUGH SERVICE & COOPERATION.
✱ BTW Peony really seems to have a pure heart. He is SUCH a dad... and he has GREAT FAITH; open heart.
✱ THAT SCARY DYNAMAX TREE has FRUITS that are basically SATAN APPLES (fallen Eden) (the birds that eat it FIGHT): the tree is IN THE MIDDLE OF THE "GARDEN" (vs. Tundra), surrounded by water, and IF YOU EAT OF IT YOU WILL "BE LIKE A GOD," but an EVIL "god," ETERNATUS... because Dynamax energy IS PART OF ITS BODY/ ESSENCE and it's a HORRIBLE corruption of intimacy, an power, in AWFUL contrast to Calyrex = His power is FOR OTHERS, supportive, humble, etc. But Eternatus power is FOR SELF, offensive, proud, etc. ALL "MAX" FORMS LOOK DEMONIC... & BIBLICAL GIANTS WERE DESCENDED FROM FALLEN ANGELS. The "Giant's Footprint" appears to have STOMPED ON CHURCHES??? There are RUINS BY A GRAVEYARD. And that area of misleading verdance-- oh yes, it's a "garden," but the ONLY food is TOXIC and NO ONE LIVES THERE, ONLY GRAVES-- opens up into SEA CAVES & a FRIGID OCEAN... inhospitable, undrinkable, rough waters bringing DEATH, NOT LIFE, & symbolizing the devil again. "Three point pass" leads to 3 dead ends. It's a scary mockery.
✱ BUT!!! THAT THREE WITH THE FRUIT WAS NOT CREATED EVIL, and there IS HOPE OF REDEMPTION FOR IT... IN CALYREX. That bud on his head isn't a "flower," per se. IT'S A FRUIT BUD. And it appears to be the SAME KIND AS THE DYNAMAX TREE, before it "fell" (when Eternatus fell)! In official art, the "bud" LOOKS TRANSLUCENT even, as if it weren't a flower but a FRUIT.
✱ Calyrex's "bud" LOOKS just like a Peony, BUT its connection to the Dynamax & large calyx makes it STRONGLY RESEMBLE A PERSIMMON. And some persimmons ARE PURPLE. That's very close to the Red/Blue dichotomy in Dyna/Caly, as persimmons are Orange/Purple, and purple is RIPE? But the shape is EXACT, even with the "bulge lines" into 4 sections. It's soft & translucent and the ONLY RIPE FRUIT LEFT, truly-- the only one that is NATURALLY EDIBLE, not "mutated" & toxic! OH-- AND IT'S ONLY "GLOWY" WHEN HE'S ON HIS HORSE. Otherwise, alone, it's the same opaque dark green as the "buds" around his neck, which don't change color on the horse.
✱He has 8 buds, which symbolizes HOPE, "new beginnings," salvation, triumph, bright futures, etc.
✱But he's ALL BUDS. He's a CALYX, NOT A BLOSSOM HIMSELF: The calyx is the FIRST part of a flower that develops, and the petals & parts grow WITHIN. The calyx PROTECTS the flower as it develops, preventing it from drying out.
✱BUT. "After flowering, many plants have NO MORE USE FOR THEIR CALYX, AND IT BEGINS TO WITHER." THAT'S what the villagers did-- when they finally had food & flowers, they LET CALYREX WILT... but they didn't realize that THEIR SOULS WEREN'T MATURE, and Calyrex was PROTECTING & NURTURING THEM. So once he was thrown off... the cold returned & crushed them. Their hearts dried up from lack of gratitude & love. They weren't ready to bloom on their own yet-- and wouldn't be WITHOUT that cooperative unity!
✱"THE HOLY GRAIL OF FLOWERS IS THE BLUE ROSE." They DON'T EXIST in nature, but are rich with myth, symbolizing a LONGING FOR MIRACLES, the "search for the impossible," wishes/ dreams becoming reality, etc. In general, roses symbolize ARDENT LOVE & BEAUTY, the "QUEEN OF FLOWERS," and a blue one in that respect speaks to a PERFECT love-- a HOLY love, blue as the heavens. There are also 2 myths in which a woman would only marry a man who gave her a blue rose: many tricked her with stone, paint, magic, but this is not true love. Ultimately, a simple & pure man gave her a white rose-- "if their love is true, it will be blue." And so it was!! Blue roses are NOT unrequited-- just "unattainable," and for GOOD REASON: true & perfect love CANNOT be "attained," or created, or hunted down, or bred, etc. Blue roses, according to myth, ONLY come through a PURE & HUMBLE GIFT OF A WHITE ROSE. Where others gave up of this "impossible task" or turned to trickery, the one who valued LOVE persisted in HUMILITY... and FAITH, NOT POWER OR PRESTIGE!!! That's why it's "impossible"... BUT "nothing is impossible for God." In the Chinese marriage folktale, actually, the princess ALONE could see the blue in the white because THROUGH LOVE & TRUST, HER FAITH LET HER SEE THE HIDDEN TRUTH. Tying this to Calyrex, and the mythicality of the blue rose, HE grants miracles THROUGH FAITH, FOR LOVE WITHOUT COST, selfless not sensual, BUT power schemes & doubt & the like BLOCK both his power AND will make him fade from sight! His love also cannot be forced. He can only bless through pure gift: notably the Reins, which REQUIRE A PETAL, a beautiful blue one that OBVIOUSLY is from a rose... a WILD ROSE. And it GLOWS.
✱ OH, BY THE WAY. The reason why the white rose alone can become blue is because it is HUMBLE = EMPTY OF SELF so it CAN HOLD THE UN-EARTHLY COLOR. All other roses are full of THEMSELVES = pride in their power, beauty, etc.: in their own merits. But you can't love like that... blue pigment DOESN'T EXIST IN NATURE. Blue ONLY exists AS LIGHT. So ONLY a white rose can BE blue, by BOTH RECEIVING & REFLECTING that blue light-- the color of heaven, UNATTAINABLE UNLESS GIVEN IN LOVE to a heart that is PURE enough to reflect something BESIDES ITSELF. The "Holy Grail" is holy BY HOLDING.
✱ If Calyrex's 8-bud garland truly is of ROSEBUDS, they symbolize UNAWAKENED LOVE, but a garland of roses symbolizes "THE CROWING REWARD FOR THE MERITS OF HOLY VIRTUE"... but remember, "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." Roses HAVE FRUIT when they bloom BUT "fruit flesh becomes soft AFTER A FROST." So there's a LOT to unpack. Unawakened love = 8 buds for HOPE & SALVATION = Calyx protecting from death by inclement weather = Those buds will only bloom AFTER A FROST that will ALSO allow their eventual fruit TO BE SOFT, SWEET, & EDIBLE-- not hard & bitter & inedible. ALL of this is a recipe for LOVE, humility, self-giving, perseverance in virtue, purity of heart, right relationship & communion, etc. This is the journey of Calyrex & his people... and ALL OF THE ROSES ARE BLUE. Their whole story is one of sheer generosity-- it's ALL GIVING & GIVING BACK, and being open to receive IN LOVE. The INSTANT ego & pride & complacency fill up gratitude's humble place, THE BLUE CAN'T GLOW.
✱ About rose hips: they eat them IN SCOTLAND for their ANTIOXIDANT properties that FIGHT DISEASE (Eternatus)! But the Scottish rose (petal match) is the wild DOG ROSE, said to soothe "rabid bites" (DYNAMAX) and its 5 petals representing the WOUNDS OF CHRIST. Roses are also "pain & sweetness" which is VERY CATHOLIC. You must be willing to SUFFER FOR LOVE.
✱ The bud-mantle Calyrex wears is also marked by little TRIPLE TRIANGLES; an obvious tie to the HOLY TRINITY & Their Love, Communion, & Generosity. They are pointing DOWN & are dark blue, blue-gray, & white at the heart-- the latter an also OBVIOUS CALLBACK to the Blue Rose myths. When the heart-- where the Spirit dwells-- is PURE & WHITE, humble & not trying to glorify itself with pigment (earthly color), then it is EMBRACED BY CHRIST, Who is WHITE-BLUE as the INCARNATE GOD-- the truly divine FUSION of white & blue, literally impossible in anyone BUT Him-- and His Life in/ through/ with ours is the BRIDGE to TRUE Blue... God Himself, Love itself, the "ever-unattainable" BUT ever-given in love.
✱ The Blue & White triangles point DOWN: a symbol of receptivity, the WOMB, & the CHALICE! We must RECEIVE the Spirit, THROUGH God's grace poured out in BAPTISMAL WATER (cup), for our soul, like Mary's womb, to CONCEIVE THE SON... Whose Blood FILLS the Chalice.
✱ CHRIST is an UPWARDS triangle because it is PASSION & the force of action, the SWORD OF TRUTH that can ONLY occur INCARNATELY. Thus ONLY Christ can hold this "masculine" vibe because its ties to energy & activity REQUIRE A BODY-- the "feminine" down-shape is more subconscious mystery, in how they operate. BUT, NOTE THAT THE "FATHER" TRIANGLE UNITES BOTH.
✱ Three-triangle patterns ALSO symbolize many trinities of existence, notably PAST/ PRESENT/ FUTURE & CREATE/ DESTROY/ PRESERVE for Calyrex's powers of psychic vision & abundance.
✱ Three as a number also symbolizes harmony, completeness, & new life, and triplets emphasize the importance of something. Applied to these symbols on the BUDS-- 8 meaning hope & salvation-- shows how our salvation & hope is ONLY complete THROUGH the Trinity working in our hearts, working as a PROTECTIVE CALYX as our souls mature into wholeness of new life in Him, blooming as blue roses of selfless love, colored by the Divine.
✱ Alchemically, the up & down triangles are the unity of fire & water: two things plants need to grow (fire's light) and symbolizing the unity of power & meekness, justice & mercy, etc. Calyrex's kind kingship exemplifies this.
✱ Triangles in general mean "growth into higher states of being," higher purpose, transformation, etc. This applies to both Calyrex's calling Glas/Spec & bringing harvest ot of famine, but also its trinitive aspect reminds us that ALL those good things can ONLY occur THROUGH GOD WORKING IN US. Triangles are always spiritual, it seems; not carnal.
✱ Those buds are arguably SIERPINSKY TRIANGLES, too-- SELF-SIMILAR FRACTALS: zooming in on ANY part of one reveals a PERFECTLY IDENTICAL COPY of the original. VERY EUCHARISTIC! Fractals are found all over nature, too: in three branches, snowflakes, flowers, cabbages, etc.! They are proof of Divine order & elegance-- "patterns that the laws of nature repeat at different scales... we see this basic principle repeated in the fractal structure of organic life forms... every tree branch is a copy of the one that came before it." (CHRIST = VINE = LIFE; ALL THINGS THROUGH/ WITH/ IN HIM!) A fractal is like, one big basic heart-form that keeps "self-replicating" at increasingly smaller scales until you can't even SEE the original, all-embracing shape-form anymore... but you see all its fractal copies, echoing its essence infinitely. THAT'S GOD & CREATION!!
✱ FURTHERMORE, the also-ubiquitous natural FIBONACCI SEQUENCE-- recurrent geometric patterns & numbers-- began with RABBITS and is most clearly seen in FLOWERS. Everything has this divine ratio & symmetry as its wholeness. I just love that. There's no "deep symbolism" other than its referring to Calyrex's species, the bud-triangles speaking of uncomparable life & abundance despite all famine & loss, and the innate reflection of God in all things, giving them true life. The greatest fractal in existence-- indeed, the clearest-- is the Eucharist, the BREAD OF LIFE. Christ, our true King, gives us Himself PERFECTLY & INFINITELY. Calyrex cannot & does not, but his generosity does at least reflect that miracle of heavenly abundance, and the triangles remind us WHO is the source & summit of that.
✱ At its heart, a fractal is the great guarantee of infinite life & abundance, through the eternal life, love, & generosity of God. Look at Jesus & the "fractal bread." Have faith, & He will sustain you despite all famine.
✱ CALYREX'S EYES ARE ALSO TRIANGLES. The iris is 3 TONED: pale blue, grey blue, dark blue-- and the pupil is WHITE. This of course hearkens back to the blue rose + fractal points, BUT! 4, Biblically, means completeness & perfection, notably in CREATION: the divine 3 plus the 1 "other" that He has made in Love! So for that to be CALYREX'S EYES immediately ties into his GIFT OF SIGHT: he can see all events, past & present & future! True sight is COMPREHENSION THROUGH FAITH, seeing by the same Light of the world that makes white roses blue, seeing His infinite Being in nature... and Calyrex uses this sight TO HELP OTHERS, that extra 4th color of pure white, of selfless humility & purity OF sight-- of understanding.
✱ His eye color is the REVERSE color of the buds, giving a vibe not of "becoming/ maturing" but instead of that 4's PERFECTION, of being spiritually cognizant of God in all BUT recognizing Him AS Him, first. Christ is again the bridge, but here, the Spirit's color is the outermost and it's ROUND?? Which lends itself to seeing His influence IN all things, AND people, THROUGH CHRIST. And all of this is again set in white-- the same purity of heart at the core is ALSO what unites it all, "as within so without," the Golden Rule.
✱ Some notes while reviewing Calyrex's Pokédex data (because this is a very fluid "document")-- flower "crowns" are for the triumphant & faithful, but Calyrex's isn't a pagan garland but a ROYAL CORONATION CROWN: a symbol not of award, but of SERVICE TO THE PEOPLE! And in heraldry, green is both nature & WISDOM. Hope & health & life are other associations. But BLUE is ALL ROYALTY & PIETY, TRUST & LOYALTY, patience & understanding & humility & peace. Also rare virtue? Wisdom & intuition are united in it, and it is surrounded by similar spiritually calm virtues. So for Calyrex's bud to be primarily green with a blue heart gives vibes of that "green" life & hope & health, connection to others & need of community (lushness of rainforests, rich in chlorophyll, PINE green that survives the cold & shelters others), being what PROTECTS & NURTURES the deeper heart-virtues of BLUE; trustworthiness, wisdom, peace, understanding, loyalty, piety, stability, spirituality, etc. In the spectrum, Green is the BRIDGE between "body & soul," the hue of pure natural life, bringing the holy color virtues to the more earthly tones. Blue is all about honor & truth, but is softer in tone than indigo, bringing a sense of gentleness & mercy & empathy despite its "ethereal" essence.
✱ Calyrex's blues are notably unique-- the palest is PERIWINKLE, a flower color that symbolizes new friendships, new beginnings, purity, strength, & eternal love. It is all about cherishing; that's all Calyrex (bless him). It's also hop, innocence, peace, kindness, protection, loyalty, devotion, comfort, etc. It's also the "Virgin flower," for MARY, the CHALICE OF GOD! The next blue is actually CORNFLOWER, another flower hue! Cornflowers are "very courageous, being able to stand strong against all the elements of nature." They are signs of unfailing hope, they're edible, and in Greek myth, they were said to-- AGAIN-- HEAL WOUNDS CAUSED BY POISON ARROWS. They are fragile in appearance but terrifically hardy. They can represent chaste love, purity, & blessedness; hope in love; fidelity, life, resilience, tenderness... AND MARY, who gave us the true "corn," the grain of Wheat from Heaven, to feed every heart forever. They are super medicinal, too, especially for tired eyes-- symbolic of relieving the soul, too, of long watching & waiting for hope & deliverance. They herald good fortune, and "each bloom is a blessing." They are said to notably wilt when one's true love is unrequited-- that, too, happened to poor Calyrex.
✱ The final, darker blue is, unsurprisingly, royal blue. Its first notable association is with "paranormal vision"-- seeing beyond the physical, into the "royal kingdom of God" which is only visible with the heart. It also is associated with INNER sight & wisdom, clarity & decisiveness. It opens the heart & mind with integrity. Like most blues, it is trustworthy, reliable, calm, and communicative, but all of this is enriched further by its REGAL aspect, that encompassing honor. In general, it's about DIGNITY & KNOWLEDGE, uprightness, fidelity, and the essence of both AUTHORITY & SPIRITUALITY, notably UNITED. Royal blue is serious but emotionally sincere & deep, conservative but respectful, professional but courteous & peaceful, humble yet kingly IN such virtue. So this is all obviously very applicable to Calyrex: he is a gentle, wise, trustworthy, solemn, & honest king, not aloof but not attention-seeking, etc. Remember: Blue is the color of HEAVEN so inevitably it will carry those virtues, AND making this last hue on the bud-triangles (and his eyes) ROYAL emphasizes the fact that ALL kingship is ordained BY GOD, FOR GOD, and IN GOD. The ONLY true King is CHRIST, so ALL earthly authority is spiritually OBLIGATED to imitate His example in reflecting His royal role! That Divine authority symbolized by Calyrex's royal blue AND its placement: His sight & knowledge come FROM God, and it is God Who protects & nurtures all blooming virtue in our souls. Lastly, Calyrex's cape (+WINGS) follow the same pattern as the buds-- interestingly, as they symbolize quite literally both his kingly role AND the holy "angel = messenger of God's plans & purpose" aspect: Calyrex's kingship is not for himself, but for others, in BLESSING THEM. The cape/wings are primarily PERIWINKLE, only bordered by royal blue-- putting the emphasis on FRIENDSHIP, PURITY, KINDNESS, & ETERNAL LOVE, which are ringed with HEALING & COURAGE and only tipped with REGALITY & HONOR. All these virtues are present in equal importance, BUT!! In his normal form they are small and almost decorative, mostly hidden behind his back, and LOOKING LIKE TEPALS: a sepal (protector) that resembles a petal. HOWEVER. This is interesting because, although Calyrex does have floral ties to both Peonies & Dog Roses (btw HELLO HERO DUO), this little addition of his wings adds elements of a LILY: notably the AGAPANTHUS, the "BLUE LILY," whose name means "FLOWER OF LOVE." Like cornflowers, they are tenacious and strong, symbolizing the heart's power & spiritual strength. Notably their blue color, associated with their name of love, emphasizes HEARTFELT & NOBLE LOVE.
✱ They are believed to PROTECT FROM STORMS (Eternatus) AND HEART DISEASE (Calyrex mends hearts), as well as signifying valiant & caring protection in general.
✱ Tying into Spectrier, Agapanthus is often used in FUNERALS, made into wreaths & placed on coffins to "represent the beautiful soul of the deceased"!
✱ And, again, it's a sign of purity, "fertility," beauty of soul, & loving relationships. They are ALSO tied medicinally to HEALTHY BABIES-- noted because flowers/ buds/ fruits are also reproductive.
✱ "Generosity of spirit" too! "AGAPE!"
✱ Note that Calyrex ISN'T wearing a CAPE (sleeveless), but a MANTLE!!! --and ONLY ON HIS STEED!!! By himself, he only appears to wear a BOLERO jacket. I note this solely because a "bolero" is a genre of song, "characterized by sophisticated lyrics dealing with love." It's all about heartfelt emotion, with a "beautiful singing melody," simple & purely romantic. It's like courtship; whereas the MANTLE is a symbol of AUTHORITY and POWER & RESPECT & PROTECTION, all Kingly aspects. The mantle "REQUIRES respect for the authority of the wearer," ESPECIALLY IN THE BIBLE: "there is no one in authority that GOD didn't put there!!" So HIS Power is working through them & protecting them. It is a GOD GIVEN power & authority that ONLY GOD CAN TAKE AWAY-- even if people disrespect it or forget or hate the king, GOD STILL SUSTAINS THEIR AUTHORITY, BY HIS WILL, FOR HIS PURPOSES. God also did this with PROPHETS-- their mantle was a tangible sign & proof that GOD CALLED THEM & they SPEAK FOR HIM. It is a sign of the HOLY SPIRIT upon them-- and for Calyrex, HE GETS WINGS TO SHOW THAT. This is why he continues to exercise power over his steeds, & has power to influence nature-- he's doing GOD'S CHARITABLE WORK, serving & blessing & healing others, with NO thought for himself-- he does assert his kingship, but NEVER demands or coerces obedience, or even loyalty, as it were-- his people lost faith and he did not retaliate; he respected THEIR free will-- for only freedom allows for GENUINE faith & loyalty & love. His power DID NOT DISAPPEAR-- it only was BLOCKED from affecting them, due to unbelief-- like Jesus & His miracles. SO. He manifests his mantle when his kingship CAN manifest, notably BY THE BOND OF UNITY with his steed-- no good & humble kind rules alone-- but he wears his "bolero" when alone, a symbol of SEEKING reciprocal love, of "romancing" his beloved people with sincerity & giving of himself. HE CANNOT RULE WITHOUT PEOPLE TO RULE, AND HE WILL NOT/ CANNOT RULE WITHOUT LOVING RELATIONSHIP.
✱ The "WINGS" are different too: his mantle has angelic/ bird wings, BUT his bolero has "fairy" or bug wings. Although yes, I consider them tepals in truth, the visual effect is still valid. Avoiding paganism, Calyrex's four tepal-wings resemble those of an iridescent beetle-- notably a JEWEL BEETLE. Not only is that an obvious reference to "CROWN JEWELS," the objects of metalwork & jewelry that "symbolize the particular power & continuity of the monarchy" (crown, sceptre, orb, sword, mace, ring, etc.) (BTW during coronation with these, they are ALSO ANOINTED WITH HOLY OIL!), but jewel beetle wings have been used AS ART for centuries, notably in RELIGION, for both their ethereal & unfading beauty (literally), but also for what they symbolize: beetles fly "between heaven & earth," dwelling in both, and they were used as FOOD-- notable because food = life, and eating something of such God-given yet humble beauty & flight was hoped to bestow such virtues upon the eater.
✱ In MANY shamanic societies, the beetle is mythically & profoundly linked to CREATION: their working with dirt balls evoked primordial "potter" themes & planet-shaping, in "retrieving/ shaping" that raw matter into shape. BUT note!! The beetle ONLY SHAPES, NOT CREATES! He's God's HELPER, in forming order out of chaos, & life out of death-- turning empty waste into a flourishing land. Very Calyrex! And the ball-pushing is WORK, spiritual work symbolically, but also LABOR FOR OTHERS, as the beetles do that FOR THEIR CHILDREN. In Egypt, this rolling is tied to the SUN, another life-giving symbol, yet ALSO tied to death in its setting, although still carrying the promise of sunrise. In his beetle wings, Calyrex evokes the essence of this "life cycle" with HARVESTS & HOPE, his ability & promise to work for others to bring blessings, his powers to make new life flourish AND help hearts "fly to higher things," the lasting beauty of SELF-GIVING, rebirth after suffering & apparent death (famine, Eternatus), the requisite of "dying to self" for the SOUL to be reborn "like the sun," ALSO BY THE SON, the spring after AND WITHIN winter. ALSO HEART SCARABS, focusing ALL of those virtuous things rightly in one's heart, not in any outer object, for all virtue comes from cooperation with God (the Divine)-- the One Who created life from dirt & can transmute ALL sorrows, & Whom the beetle "flies up to meet & bring His blessing down"-- MORE ANGEL VIBES! Honestly, there is SO MUCH Christ-parallelism with beetles in Egypt; it's notable, especially in its staggering humility... & overlooked beauty... & FOOD ASPECT, HELLO EUCHARIST = UNITY.
✱ Beetles were ALSO, like Christ, tied to DEATH as well as life, IN THE CONTEXT OF REBIRTH, & therefore also INITIATION = CORONATION in terms of being a "spiritual warrior," notably-- and all Kings carry a Sword.
✱ THERE'S MORE BLUE-DEER "SACRED ALTERATION" in that the scarab beetle was the "CUP OF DIONYSUS," relevant ONLY in the chalice & wine aspect, and the resulting "holy drunkenness" being a means of "communicating with the divine," noting wine's "inner fire" = HEART, & again lifting all this up to the Eucharist, a HOLY BANQUET given FROM SELF & ALTRUISTIC LOVE.
✱ HERE'S A KEY: THE SEMITIC PEOPLE WERE THE FIRST TO PORTRAY THE BEETLE WITH 4 WINGS = it being COMPLETENESS, only possible BY self-giving & communion with God & others, a holy paradox. AND. SAINT AMBROSE & OTHERS EQUATED THE BEETLE OF HABAKKUK 2:11 TO CHRIST, the true King & CREATOR! (Also Psalm 22:6 for His humility!)
✱ LASTLY, the beetle's "creator/ helper" myth was purified by this, in alchemical reference to Christ: the beetle was the "prima materia" of the great transmutable work of the soul, from dung to divine-- CHRIST was the "stone" created AFTER & BY HIS DEATH & RESURRECTION (SUN/SON), the jewel from the mire, the crown gem from the beetle's wing. This is the beautiful hope He gives us all, despite our wretchedness, and this great hope of life from death, of flying from dirt into heaven, from emptiness to fullness, is the King's promise bestowed on Calyrex to carry, the blessing of both physical & spiritual rebirth & growth into ever-lovelier things. Beetles are all about CHANGE!!
✱ As for the angel-mantle having those LONG GREEN ENDS, they simply remind me of EVERGREEN enedles... notably YEW. THERE'S A YEW, IN WALES, IN A CHURCHYARD, which is one of the OLDEST TREES IN THE WORLD. Like 5000 years! That's VIRTUALLY CANON with the sacred tree in Freezington!
✱ Yews, again, are symbols of LIFE & DEATH, said to transfer longevity to the warrior who used weapons of its wood, and said to protect against evil, notably against the devil himself.
✱ They resprout from a dying trunk = rebirth, but their RED BERRIES are lethally toxic = DEATH!
✱ CHURCHYARD YEWS are especially sacred, through prayer & proximity-- with weapons OR branches from it being vanquishers of evil. They decorated places of worship, reaching up to God yet rooted in the earth-- like the Church herself-- and its longevity a hope for eternal life in Christ, crucified on a tree, dotted with "red berries of blood."
✱ Some even say that the Cross WAS a yew!! This is fitting, as ancient cultures associated yews with death, funerals, sorrow, mourning, etc. It was also said to "draw out the poisons from the air" in graveyards, warding off evils. So it is treated with solemn honor in this "memento mori" respect.
✱ BUT. Remember that it is ALSO RESURRECTION, which requires death first!! Their presence, however melancholy in some respects, are also POWERFULLY HOPEFUL, living reminders of life AFTER death. Extracts from their bark have even been proven to fight cancerous tumors (DYNAMAX)!!
✱ BTW those berries AREN'T TOXIC TO DEER OR RABBITS.
✱ Their bark can withstand unlimited clipping & shaping-- metaphorically with Calyrex, no amount of "reshaping" his memory or "clipping" his power could damage him; the yew's wood is SOFT & grows slowly, giving it great strength & resilience.
✱ OH, and that ANCIENT Fortingall Yew was once used by locals to carve out DRINKING CUPS: "quaich" cups, inspired by ancient BLEEDING VESSELS-- even MORE Eucharist/ Cross connections-- even morseo as these quaichs are used as signs of FRIENDSHIP & WELCOME in community gatherings.
✱ There is an old legend that the yew was also the BURNING BUSH (sent by God to DELIVER HIS PEOPLE from slavery & starvation) & the tree "of Golgotha, growing FROM ADAM'S GRAVE." That's more death/ life, which is ALL super fitting as Calyrex ONLY wears his yew-like mantle ON HIS STEEDS, who are VERY death-associated BUT who paradoxically BOOST Calyrex's life abilities-- that's resurrection! "This is the tree of glory," BECAUSE Christ worked His redemption FROM one.
✱ Evergreens in general speak of life undying despite death (winter); BUT they have NEITHER fruit NOR flowers! Calyrex's ties to the yew are small yet significant BUT ONLY IN THE CONTEXT OF HIS MANTLE-- his sign of HOLY & PIOUS AUTHORITY. He is not immortal, nor is he so directly tied to death-- BUT that mantle gives him a SOLID RESURRECTION MISSION, something even greater than his life-blessing gifts.
✱ This is ALSO different from his beetle wings as they represent the JOURNEY TO & COOPERATION TOWARDS resurrection-- they do not herald it so immediately as the yew & its ties to the CROSS!
✱ Next up-- his last color! It's actually NOT straight-up gray; it appears to be IVORY, or even cream? But either way it's a WARM tiny, not a cold or neutral one, but its subtle enough to, again, give that vibe of gentle hope. Ivory in general is pure & comforting & soft, good balancing qualities for the authority of blue & formality of dark green. It's sophisticated, elegant but simple, pleasant & unassuming, but never harsh, aloof, or obtrusive. it's also close to BEIGE, which often gets a bad rap for being "boring," but it fits his humble nature perfectly. Beige is loyal & dependable, reliable & practical & constant. Predictability is not a bad thing when it concerns virtue, & the comfort sought by those in tumult & turmoil! And this is his BODY color-- not his flowers or bud or wings-- it's his own natural heart's purity. AND THAT IS WHAT BECOMES HIS ANGELIC MANTLE: could ANYONE truly serve God, or seek to work as His messenger, if they were not so humble of heart & poor in spirit?
✱ Ivory is "understated elegance," "a place of refuge," gentle warmth, reverence & humility, etc.
✱ In many images, though, Calyrex's color is more of a silvery GRAY. That color is "the perfect neutral," calming extremes & balancing between absolutes. It is intelligent & diplomatic, refined & dignified, authoritative & wise-- the virtuous benefits of "gray hair," as it were. Gray is reasonable, agreeable, sophisticated, and serious. It is "the soul of all color," and "a gray day provides the best light." It is a stable "middle ground" of clarity & prudence, free from wilder emotions. It makes all other colors glow without overwhelming. Gray "doesn't lead with emotions," is mature & stable, "solid as a rock" & therefore a safe soothing haven for turbulent & aggravated hearts. It avoids attention and publicity (private), but will offer practical insight to all who ASK. Gray can "overthink"-- Calyrex's massive noggin!-- because it sees AND UNDERSTANDS "both sides" so clearly. But it will never force anything, being supremely patient & still, maybe even too much-- it can miss opportunities to act? It is deeply self-reflective BUT needs help from brighter colors to take more active decisions according to it. Despite this, its "dynamic humility" makes it the "ideal authority figure," honoring & respecting others & always acting with equity, integrity, & candor. Lastly, gray can be grim; it does not deny darkness; but it also always holds on to the light.
✱ Calyrex is LIGHT GRAY which is MUCH more soothing & even hopeful than darker shades. Calyrex is arguably almost WHITE, too-- emphasizing "lighter" virtues while still preserving gray's roots-- and the warmer, ivory/ beige overcast is a perfect finishing touch for this king, making him approachable, personal, & amiable, but not overly so-- he is still private & unassuming. His neutrals are therefore the perfect complement to his dark blues & greens, adding levity & a touch of warmth without burning, and without stifling or muting them either-- the snowy gray even HIGHLIGHTS the "life-giving" hues in quiet contrast!
✱ One last color bit that I forgot before: the bud on his head DOES look like a PERSIMMON, and I still theorize it being a "FRUIT BUD" connecting him to the Dynamax tree & its fake, toxic "harvest"... notable because the Persimmon is also known as the "FRUIT OF THE GODS" or "DIVINE FRUIT"-- in this context, an EXPLICIT warning against the idolatry of power & self-worship, & another mini sermon about CHRIST being "THE VINE" apart from which NO FRUIT can grow in a soul, with the BLUE ROSE & PEONY/ PEYOTE ties emphasizing the elements of pure love & gracious healing.
✱ When RIPE they are nutritious & sweet; when UNRIPE they are BITTER, SOUR "CHOKE FRUITS". Pride has no humility or patience & you WILL choke on its impatient, immature, inedible "fruits."
✱ Persimmons symbolize PERSEVERANCE & HARDY ENDURANCE, as they thrive in many soils & can survive SUBZERO TEMPERATURES!! They are also DROUGHT TOLERANT & RESIST PESTS & DISEASE to a great extent. They are signs of "increased blessings" in one's endeavors, and their sweet beauty promotes joy & peace. The trees are ABUNDANT in fruit, promising prosperity, especially with its durability, and the branches are a protective home for small & weak creatures.
✱ They also represent TRANSFORMATION, ENLIGHTENMENT, & PRUDENT JUDGMENT-- this last bit as their inner-shape was said to PREDICT WINTER WEATHER!
✱ There are ISRAELI PERSIMMONS (Christ's land) that are ALWAYS SWEET, even when hard. They are called "SHARON FRUITS," after the Biblical plain, which was "proverbially fertile" & known for its ABUNDANT FLOWERS, and referenced in the Song of Songs with the "ROSE OF SHARON"-- a beautiful flower that grows in dry, unfavorable conditions, and whose delicate beauty was matched only by its HUMILITY, despite being a "lily among thorns" for that very fact. But this flower refers to CHRIST-- the bridegroom, the King of flowers, giving Himself to us in a gesture of totally committed love, unique in rarity & beauty & perfection. And, again, this desert rose was ALSO a HEALING flower, making this gift even more benevolent & selfless.
✱ Connecting these virtues to the persimmon-- notably since Calyrex's is GREEN, symbolizing "immaturity" & need of growth into wisdom-- shows that ONLY CHRIST gives us WISDOM & SPIRITUAL FRUIT, which requires LOVE & HUMILITY to receive.
✱ This "unripe green" is only tangential though as the INNER color is BLUE. So the TRUE fruit is ripe with HEAVEN'S color, but it is still in its green calyx because NO ONE BUT GOD HAS PERFECT WISDOM. Even if He gives us the fruit, it is paradoxically "never fully ripe," always needing more grace & patience to become more full of truth-- a process that terminates only IN heaven. So the "blue" impossible color hearkens to that unattainability, as does the blue rose: their fullness is ONLY tangible, whole, & accessible THROUGH PURE & HUMBLE LOVE.
✱ A note on Ravel's Bolero (as in the jacket)-- "the repeated theme & slow build has been called an 'exercise in hypnotism.'" It is "nostalgic, sweet, & quietly complex." Being a LOVE song, the repetition shows persistence in its devotion, & the slow build shows how, like fruit & flowers, true love sweetens & matures over time, with fidelity-- it is no wild, sudden infatuation. The "nostalgia" also refers to the people in Freezington reminiscing on when they knew & loved Calyrex, after they had become "hypnotized" by his constancy & forgotten how precious it was-- had forgotten to reciprocate or be grateful, their hearts lulled into complacency. They weren't truly listening-- for although the tune & harmony stay the same, more & more instruments come in over time, enriching the orchestration & adding flourishes of color to the heartbeat of a theme. Like the cycles of seasons & harvests, predictable & repetitive & slow, there is nevertheless always a new joy to it, a new sweetness, dear in its familiarity yet never quite the same twice. Love is not novelty, but fidelity, a solid prism for the light of grace. Itself it does not change, but every tiny shimmer of light casts new yet familiar rainbows. This is true, committed, joyful & grateful relationship. It is the "bolero" of perpetual courtship, of the core of love recognized by all yet always new, always returning even sweeter. Ravel himself disliked the bolero, claiming it had "no music in it" due to its repetition-- but isn't life itself repetition, cycle, pattern? And it IS music. Calyrex's little jacket is a little reference to the loving reliability of the harvest, but also of winter. Wisely, he heralds both, but with the inherent reassurance that spring will return, that hopes will be fulfilled, and that life cannot be stopped. Neither can love, and its power to GIVE life.
✱ Hares in general are a symbol of vitality, rebirth, & resurrection-- life & fertility, spring & autumn. The white color is for chastity & purity, removing all unsavory connotations. They are also PREY animals-- more self = food symbolism. In Egypt they are notably tied to the life/ death/ rebirth cycle too. Some myths see them as "spirit messengers," bringing wisdom from heavenly realms. They represent attention & contemplation with their ears & watchful nature. They are mild, humble, lucky, & good-natured, solitary yet auspicious, resourceful & clever. They can also be tricksters; there's definitely a hint of this in Calyrex's sense of humor.
✱ BUT! He is also PART DEER. They are typically seen as spiritual & mystical.


(black apples, avalon)
(GRAIL (+ calyx/ sepal))
(↑KING ARTHUR (+ ZACIAN??))
(CELEBI ties? vision + element typing)

The more you listen, the more God speaks to you

Eucharistic Adoration & HOPE: one day my heart will melt with love for God & Jesus

Wondering why I legit cried over Mewtwo the other night-- why don't I cry from love for Jesus so?
"Because you have adorned them more than me" = more experiences in memory, more music, more beauty, more knowledge, more friendship, more time. All that equals MORE LOVE. And I MUST adorn Christ with these gifts!!!

We have to love God with GOD'S LOVE (the Holy Spirit) or else we CANNOT truly love Him at ALL.

BTW I want to do a set of SPECTRUM JESUS PICTURES.

TSOW poster pose: chaos 0 & I. sentiment of "Can't tell where one begins and other ends," i said that's not actually good; you need to respect INDIVIDUALITY to truly love other.

Then in kitchen, alone. Ufo beam through window, supposed to be sending Chaos 0 to me. "Is it really him," i prayed? God said I'd know. and it was him. I clearly remember holding his face with both hands. Overwhelmed with love. Fusion, chao chaste kisses.

Trying to transform into Celebi later. Super pleased when I realized i could.

dream. 053019.

I remember mewtwo was sick; dying? he was lying down with his head in my lap, his skin greying and looking like loose chicken skin or alien skin, all ragged bubbles and dots and sloughing off like a lizard shedding. but then something occurred where he remembered or 'it was revealed' that he indeed could heal himself? basically, the 'recover' ability, although this was not said outright. and so he did.
he returned to health and I guess was going about life normally, but I was thinking to myself, how much I missed and treasured those vulnerable moments where I was just holding him, as that was something I'd likely never get to experience again. I asked myself why this was, and then admitted, "because I love him." not romantically, but just genuine love. suddenly I realized, hold on, mewtwo can read minds. can he hear what I'm thinking? and sure enough he was looking at me. I became aware of all my intrusive thoughts, the ones calling random people 'ugly' and 'stupid,' accusing me of sexual lewdness and manipulation and other awful things, of saying I was just using people and wanted to hurt them and didn't really 'love' anyone, etc. ashamed, I countered those thoughts as they came up, afraid that if mewtwo heard the intrusive thoughts he'd think that was the 'real me' when it absolutely was not. I was half ashamed that someone with such an ugly mind as me would even dare to think I was even 'allowed' to hold him again, like this was some sort of entitlement. but I could not deny, the sentiment was true.
at this mewtwo came over to me, a look of 'gentle surprise' on his face, and asked me if I sincerely meant this thought-- if it wasn't just a wondering dream, but a genuine wish. I said yes, abashed but moved. and I don't know the sequence of events but I know that he just lay down with his head in my lap, and I held him like that, and there was no obligation or awkwardness from either of us-- it was something we both treasured, and there was a deep sense of trust and friendship and love in those moments, untainted by illness now, something we both wanted in and of itself. and that meant a lot to me.

 

The past few days have been in "compressed time" mode which means that, despite only being about 100 hours, it feels as if it has been 100 days.
The "indian food" hell lasted exactly 3 days, which is typical, and stopped as suddenly as it started, thank God.
The similar tied obsession with the vanilla coconut butter lingered until today due to it having an "incredible texture" and therefore being latched onto by one of the eating socials, the young one (12? 13?) who doesn't understand suffering and genuinely is a good kid but is too careless as well. Yesterday we bought a bunch and planned to save it but as usual, the "God warning" of everyone in the house suddenly swarming the kitchen the instant we try to eat happened, and lasted for several hours, so we were unable to focus. Therefore no data stuck, which was very bad because apparently we got disastrously ill from the oil content, as someone added what had to be an entire extra jar of it to the mixture. It's a blur; virtually the whole day is missing from memory.
Today we tried once more and it went well until someone actually swallowed like two spoonfuls and immediately we had a compulsive vomiting meltdown. This is not intentional; it is a body reaction and we need to be very mindful of those as they are not under our control.
We did make a good salad today, and Emmett and Aimee ate it mainly. They also "shared" it with the Phantomilian Jewel, who is the "writer Jewel" (age 12?) who has strong fronting roots and probably counts as a pseudo-core, but who, today, realized that she is NOT an artist or musician, but an idea channel. She's tied to the "outspacer root" potential, so she can't create on her own, but she can easily create within other existing contexts. Therefore she's trying to hold a Phantomilian form because not only would that reflect her more individually, but also because nonhuman forms are much, much safer. Also I should clarify that despite using "she" pronouns, this Jewel, too, counts as childhood-androgynous which basically boils down to them not giving much of a hoot about gender in general.

August has been declared to be "no addiction month" and we are extremely hopeful and grateful and excited for it. The past two weeks, as was mentioned in the previous entry here, have been similarly time-jammed in that tons of healing events are happening ridiculously fast and with actual completion tied to them. We have no idea what could have instigated this sudden dramatic progress jump (besides prayer) but we are not complaining ot picking it apart; we are simply inundated with thankfulness and are doing our absolute best to respond accordingly to such vast improvements by integrating them as quickly and entirely and smoothly as possible.

There's not much else to say about today. We are going to watch tonight's Steven Universe episode and then possibly put our thoughts together concerning the marathon so far, if we have any such thoughts. We tend to just absorb, not analyze. So despite being deeply moved and inspired by much of what we've seen in the past 10 episodes, there's not much to discuss. But we will try to make sure.

We are trying to sell more items as we are desperate to make some extra money to pay off debts ASAP. This is exhausting as the process of photos and typing and listing and all that technical work is actually mentally taxing and it wears us out very quickly. But it must be done.

We also want to get back into composing music but ever since last winter's computer crash, the program hasn't worked properly. We aren't sure how to fix it, as we lost half our instruments and half our files, and furthermore the files we have left largely won't open or play. So that alone destroyed a lot of our motivation.
Nevertheless we realize that there are alters built for writing music and if they have to start again from square one they probably can. We need to find them and ask them to work instead as they are the only ones who can.
One very, very notable thing about this topic that Jay discovered by accident while listening to the old iPod is that, for us, the most potent and powerful and instantaneous way to summon an alter is by music. Music is profoundly important to us as a whole, on every level, and its most interesting quaity is that songs are literal bubbles of time. Any given song that we know has an exact mood and time period tied to it, and this can be used for good or ill, and it is virtually impossible to rewrite or overwrite once it has been established. Certain alters are practically fused to certain songs, and those songs are the ONLY way to even find certain alters, most notably socials, as their existence requires "internal ignorance" and as a result our levels generally aren't even conscious of each other. But music bridges that gap, as far as summoning goes. This is vitally important.
The point I'm making here is, we know exactly what songs are tied to certain time periods of university and such that resonate with artists and musicians. If we can listen to those songs more and let those alters simply move in and take over-- even if they do still think it's 2009-- then we can "get back into" art and music effortlessly, because for those alters they never stopped to begin with.

Speaking of winter, it still feels as if we haven't seen a single once since 2013. Last year is missing entirely, and 2014 feels like a timeline already dead to us. We haven't quite adjusted into any sort of solid timeline in the wake of all that mess yet, but hopefully what we're experiencing now is that process finally occurring.

We have not been sleeping well, averaging between 3-5 hours a night for about two weeks now. Same with food, when we do eat it's one meal a day and barely scrapes 1000 calories if we're pushing it. We have not been keeping track due to the huge amount of switching and dissociation tied to eating but we are aware that it hasn't been smart. So this is not helping our health. We have also been too haggardly weak to exercise post-hospital but we are trying our best to at least get back into walking again. Our best option would be to start doing our nightly kitchen walks with the iPod again, as those were a solid hour of pure System meditation every day, and God knows we need that more than anything else currently.
We listened to the entire Todd Rundgren concert we recorded from earlier this year while walking about two weeks ago, and that night is already solid and beloved in our memory, just wandering in tired circles while reliving that experience and watching bone broth simmer on the stove at 12am. It's such an odd but lovely thing to have memories sticking again like that, but again, it's shown that only certain kinds of memories stick, and we need to be conscious and full of wonder and love tohave such memories. Numb and selfish and ignorant and manic alters cannot remember things.

Jay downloaded a few GBC/GBA ROMs and he is playing the Pokemon GSC trio in his downtime to help relax. That trio is very dear to our collective heart, as it was practically Jewel's native world back in 2001-2002. It has the same "at home" feeling that Nier and Klonoa and the Genesis Sonic games do-- it's hard to explain, but the simple sight of the scenery, or the sound of the music and sfx, is not only deeply comforting but also grounding. Like the general experience of those games feels safe, and right, and good and true and happy. There are a few other games that fit this bill to an extent, but when it really comes down to could I exist in this game-world as a PERSON, then it gets very individualized and Nier & Klonoa win out. This is a topic we should write more on, remind me. It has that heart-glow quality to it that indicates it has enough love tied to it to inspire a great deal of writing.

We're learning to tap into intuition again, and the future-hope of getting Pokemon GO is helping greatly, as we're going to join Team Instinct not just because Zapdos is beloved to us, but because a team based on faith/ intuition/ trust is exactly our vibe. But, with that in mind, we keep reminding ourself to check our instinct" when we make tricky decisions and it is helping a LOT. Our gut feelings are very reliable, surprisingly and thankfully. What I wanted to mention though is that in order to properly use this intuition we have to channel Zapdos. We're used to channeling all sorts of monsters and characters from all sorts of worlds, and Pokemon takes up the majority of such sorts, but it's still eyebrow-raising to realize how easily and smoothly and quickly we CAN begin "channeling," or even becoming, a new Pocket Monster with solid roots and a function, even if they only exist within that function. That's no issue though, as many of us nousfoni exist like that as well, as it's far less stressful and confusing than trying to exist as a "conglomerate" in too many situations. Splitting things up is more efficient and healthy for us.

We are trying, very hard, to get back to living AS a System again. The two sole obstacles in our way are:
1. the grandmother not quite understanding the concept at all due to a simple life-view and religious blinders, and
2. the mother and brother constantly insisting that we're "fake" and "making it up for attention" and "toying with their minds," etc.
These are huge stumbling blocks, especially the second, as their reactions to us quickly became so brutally accusing and scathing and scary, that we began to shut down instantly in their presence, and after so many weeks the socials were forced into full-time function despite their being lethally broken and damaged, solely because the mind decided we could not survive living as our true self because we couldn't cope with this family response. That's why we're a mess right now; our psyche LITERALLY judged that mental suicide was "safer" than asserting our existence because let's face it; we were having so many breakdowns it was unreal, and we could NOT cope. We got too sick too often, we landed in the hospital, we couldn't recover from that well either... you get the idea. But now we have enough evidence saying "hey we know this seemed like a viable option but it's killing our mind AND body now so it needs to stop." And the mind is letting us come back, BUT it's scared because we still live with the mom & bro and they are still completely unaccepting of our System's existence. But we just need to accept that and ignore it. It's all we can do, is just leave the room when they start. I know the kids want to start screaming and sobbing but that just makes the family members react with even more acidity. So we just need to bail, and take time for ourself, instead of sticking around and shutting down and having to deal with the resulting forced-out numb social's eating disorder abuse. It's a coping mechanism, it has to be. They've said, many times, that they "feel they have no reason to live other than eating," and maybe that IS true, what with their highly minimal functions. They're forced out in stressful times to numb everything out and "just survive," not existing beyond that crude goal, so "living to eat" may indeed define them exactly. HOWEVER it's notable that they're now aware of this and unhappy with it. This first spark of self-awareness is the prerequisite for a social to become an internal, gaining a color and a face and a name and a life, and God knows that if we could get THOSE socials to that point at long last, all our biggest problems would stop dead, beautifully so, and we'd be free to actually exist, to actually live again, as us.

That's all we want to say for now. Our mind is getting into borderline poet mode (things are becoming more imaginative and floaty) so I cannot type anymore or I will be pushed out and someone else will be pushed in. This is not bad, it's just not proper for this entry. Let them write their own, unhindered by topic context. We need their free-flowing thoughts just as much as we need this data. It's crucial to stay bright inside, it defines us all.

I wish you all well tonight, and thank you for reading this.

 

some stuff from the first jewel today:


"So as soon as I saw Magiana I felt like we were friends. She's my buddy already.

I (Jewel) am still ABSOLUTELY a Diancie; come on, you can't tell me Nintendo didn't create that Pokemon especially for me in its own special way.
Like seriously. As far as the world is concerned, that Pokemon IS ME. Just look at it! My hair, my eyes, my outfit even, it's MADE of GEMSTONES, it's PINK... it's me. all the way. And her Mega Form is so pretty.


I almost forgot how much I love Pokemon.

…I'm going to try playing Omega Ruby again. I know the System doesn't want me wasting time on video games, but… I don't know. I want to at least try once more."



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@23:59 PM

 

quick entry for today.


- diancie fronted all morning. mega form. feels like a pokemon-self of the original jewel? like she'd be about age 10 i think. incredibly solid fronting, no trouble, very positive. body-based?? i find it unusual and interesting how a lot of "overlay outspacers" so to speak end up in the body first; in jewel's day they were floatspace-based.

- got hemp protein powder today, our big goal for lent is go back to a healthy, coherent diet for heavens sakes.
spice and emmett came out to eat at times too. haven't had spice FRONT in months so that was great; it reinforced her vibe data too. she came out because diancie ate some blueberries and didn't realize that fruit still causes unfailing horrific pain, and spice's original job was to take that pain away. so she did.

- megadiancie got a small bag of coconut chips and she loves them and that's apparently her first food too, so that's sweet.
she's also decided today is her birthday which is quite fitting as the early child (7?) always wanted to be an aquarius, and also this day was chaos zero's original system birthday (as "aquamarine"). so things line up.

- figured out a bunch of jewel monster names today, so that's fantastic. we're so close to having all the baseline work DONE for the first time in our lives. geez that's a feeling if i ever felt one.

- had to drive the bro to a job interview and he GOT IT so we're super happy for him. unfortunately on the way home he got really angry and awful-feeling again; it makes us physically ill to be near him feeling like that. jay was pushed out to front as he doesn't get terrified or rageful, and he called infinitii to hold him like a shield while they drove and that helped astronomically and it was the first time in a long long long time we felt that sort of purely innerlife-based love. like that sincere ardor that makes us feel alive and greater than our troubles. it meant a lot.

- when we got home that attitude kept up and sylvain was triggered badly and so was some OTHER child??? that light green boy we keep forgetting about. he's rare and we need to find him again. anyway. making dinner was a mess as a result of this toxic rage the brother was emitting. we kept getting massive body tics and our head felt funny and the kids kept wanting to cry and vomit. so! wreckage took over while we were washing dishes and actually stayed out to do that for like ten solid minutes. that was certainly something. laurie complimented her on it; she really appreciates when people make such honest efforts. but it's really interesting how wreckage has no qualms about actually trying to hold a small conversation with the grandmother if need be, even though she can't disguise her voice and may not have any clue how to contribute back. but she listens and she tries. that means a lot. she has such a good heart.

- it's too late and we need sleep. we can't be skipping sleep on weekends, it's the only chance we get.

- spotify keeps playing jenseg sportag on shuffle and if that's what's coming up out of hundreds of songs i think a certain many-eyed beloved thing misses me so off we go

I've realized that we've been so preoccupied with the stress of survival lately that we haven't been paying much attention to much else?
Like at home, we're just trying to stay safe, and eat without getting awfully sick, and do work for the grandparents, etc. But the responsibilities pile up so fast, we're so tired.
And it's been eating away at our personal goals and responsibilities, because by the time we can sit down (like 9pm) we're so frazzled that we end up dissociating, or handing over the reins to fronters who can operate in such an environment (they aren't internally productive at all and that's bad).
Kyanos needs to help us meditate more often, solid, for longer amounts of time. We NEED to get back into the hour-long ones we used to do, they usually instigated massive internal chance and/or revelation and we desperately need a good boost right now.
Something tells me Jay will be the one to pull that off first; what with Chaos 0 and all, he has indelible ties to the deepest essence of headspace, to the vast colorfulness of it that colors the best parts of the past 2 years, that none of us can ever really forget. But we want to live it that richly again, that actively. So we will.



TBAS mentioned it's the Solstice today and we totally forgot; for us personally that day has always been tied to Halcyon Days so it has a very different meaning than most would assign to it I suppose. For us the solstice brings feelings of kingfishers and oceans and the vastness of space and the life within it. The longest night of the year, the longest time of dark and quiet and birth and creation and infinite possibility, stretching up in a velvet blanket of icy stars and quiet. That's the solstice!


Guess who fronted fro about 60% of the day today? HOOPA.
Talk about a rock solid anchor, holy light. He slips in and just clicks and he's already talking to Cel and Vixie and I'd say I'm surprised but I'm not, not at all.
So it's his birthday today and it was Markus's yesterday and tomorrow is Jay's anniversary and then it's CHRISTMAS. HOORAY.
But yeah Jewel insisted we make the trek to a McDonalds (there's one near our house??? on the highway??? we were ready to drive out of town but hey whoa) to get a legit game Hoopa on Y, and it's perfect because he has a Naïve nature and "is somewhat vain" which is EXACTLY what our innerspace Hoopa dude is like. I like him, he's sweet.
He's also obsessed with this song and kept blasting it in the car with Cel, the both of them dancing. He has the most obvious grin, it's great. Like you know he's out with that look.
Agh but I'm SO GLAD he's already like absolutely anchored in here as an Outspacer. I LOVE him, I love having all these Pokemon around so much.

We're strongly considering buying Omega Ruby but only if we have the funds, and if we can play it safely (i.e. no staggering fiction lag). We shall seeee.


We bought a bottle of melatonin gummy-pills again because even though we're exhausted we can't get tired lately, at all. Hence the staying up until 3. So we take one cherry coma squishy pill and then within 20 minutes we're actually yawning, which is something.
Melatonin also helps dream recall a lot apparently, and Jay's been remembering them a little more recently anyway so HOPEFULLY we'll get back to the daily dream journal. When we don't remember our dreams we're a mess, our whole sense of reality gets thrown off. Maybe that's part of why we've felt so off lately? Probably.


Jay bought a new kind of toothpaste and it's delicious but it's wintergreen with neem and I keep laughing at that. Green with neeeeem. For your teeeeth!

The Snap-On Tools guy at work gave us pink socks as a gift. Yesss. They're fantastic.
We also finally got one of those gray "Colors" shirts our dad always used to wear so we're now officially part of the painter's gang, haha.


Oh we found out, Jemma IS the one who keeps eating oats, she says they "taste the same color as her" and she's always so exhausted-tired (but not sad?) all the time, she goes to them for comfort food.
Chocoloco keeps her under control, he's very compassionate with her.

-- But there's an alter (the one who was just writing?) who steps in and always eats them instead of her, although it would be more accurate to say she just ruins the food and chomps it up to throw it out. She claims she "works for The Destroyer" and she feels like Ruby and/or Hoseki, age 14-15, close enough to mania to be a slip-hacker if they aren't careful.
However today she did speak to Jemma and Chocoloco, explaining herself and letting them do the same, so hopefully they will reach a cooperative, respectful, healthy agreement that will not harm the body but which will also fulfill their individual needs.
That issue of "pursuing concepts" in the physical is still a major concern. It could theoretically be completely, easily healed with more frequent indepth access to headspace, hence the meditation topic previously. It would be in our best interests to try.



It's so foggy out tonight, it's magical.
It's TOO WARM though. Jay wants it to snow and it hasn't snowed and he said he's going to be the snow and that's great but PUT SOME OUTSIDE PLEASE OKAY THANKS.


Now the body is falling asleep standing up and Laurie is glaring at me because I get too manic and nonchalant or whatever and she says there are important things to do. I guess I don't pay attention, I'm just too excited and hyper and she says nighttime is not the time for that! So off I go, bye~~~

 

So. We might have a "job" within the next week or two.
Don't celebrate, this is yanking up a LOT of trouble and it's distressing really.

Things I've realized over the past few days.

1. Money doesn't buy happiness.
2. I don't want to spend the last years of my grandparent's lives away from them.
3. I want to create more than anything in the world and I want to be PAID for it.
4. I hate fluorescent lights and muzak.
5. I really, really don't feel cut out for this.

I'm going to try. God knows I'm going to try.
But I have been so anxious for the past week over this it's not funny. Sleep is a mess, I'm throwing up from nerves, I have no appetite, I'm jittery and restless, I keep losing my temper far too easily and the minute I'm alone I find myself whimpering like a frightened child.
This job doesn't feel right, AT ALL. I keep questioning that, "it can't be that bad," etc., but every time I think of the place and think of working there, it just… it feels wrong.
I hope, I HOPE we aren't meant to stay here. Maybe just orientation, and a month or so of the actual job. Just enough to pay off our debts, and get a grip on just where we stand in terms of psychological fitness concerning employment.

I'm so nervous. I'm not used to this. I never would have thought I was this capable of near-panic worry. I'm trying not to but I feel so trapped it's scary. That's where the worry is coming from.

The mother said again today, I should not be staying in this house, I should be out on the street, etc. Basically "stop being a bum, get a job and an apartment right now." Then she told me how much of a burden I am on her life, especially with medical bills.
I told her I'd quit therapy, she said no. I told her we didn't need surgery, she said no. She insists we get all this care. Then she swears at us up and down that she has to pay the bills.
I suppose we should be paying for them. That's where this fucking job comes in. I'm working to pay everyone else, and wasting away even more years when I should be doing my holy mission.

Part of me hopes that one day, in her anger, the mother says "you know what, go ahead and kill yourself, I don't care!" because it will take a lot of anxiety off our back if we have permission.

The damn floating voices keep attacking me. They're hellbent on stopping me now that I am realizing just how hellbent I am on doing what I'm meant to do.
They're making the E.D. problems worse. It's hard to fight when I'm in a trance state, and that keeps happening when I'm in the kitchen. It's scary, because it's total detachment from the senses and from the environment, so I don't really perceive what's going on. I need one of the good voices, or (ideally) someone in headspace to forcefully interrupt in order for me to become conscious again. It's a pain in the butt and it's scary too, but I'm getting smarter every day, and I won't give up. I won't ever give up, so there.

Headspace has been dead quiet for about… three weeks? I don't know. I don't normally deal with it anyway so I can't tell you.
But it's worrisome. Some other people inside have observed that without headspace, we fall apart. We get very self-destructive, we stop making spiritual progress, we basically become an empty husk. I'm literally the only person keeping us "alive," because I want to do League work all the time and ONLY that, and that's why I'm PISSED OFF at these floating voices because they are SPECIFICALLY trying to stop me from doing that. I am EXTREMELY ANGRY about that to say the least.
That's why I'm pissed about this job too. I don't know who fronted for the last one, but something tells me that even if I try to front (in order to do League work during breaks at registers or whatever), it won't work, because it didn't work last time, not with the environment.

I'm so mad. I'm so so so mad.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR CREATING THINGS, NOT WORKING IN THIS STUPID CORPORATE HAMSTER WHEEL OF NOISE AND IGNORANCE.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR ART AND MUSIC AND WRITING AND EVERYTHING.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR DOING WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO!!

I don't CARE about money though!! I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY.
Yes, we need it, to pay the bills. I keep forgetting it's 2015 and we're an "adult" now so we have financial responsibilities like that, we can't just live like a video game character forever, surviving well on what's left around (although that would be cool enough).
But damn it, I'm sorry for swearing (it's unlike me but I'm mad) but I DON'T WANT TO LIVE FOR MONEY. THAT'S STUPID!!

I really do need to start commissions. Those STUPID VOICES keep stopping me though. I hate that.
Admittedly I'm scared too. It's a lot of work, getting examples together, determining prices, writing up sales posts. It's overwhelming. That's why I'm scared, there's so much of it all at once. But I have to do it. I HAVE to.
Once the post is up I will be PSYCHED because I LOVE ART and really I have been drawing SO MUCH lately, anyone who says I "can't draw" is BLIND and IGNORANT. Because I CAN and I AM. And I WANT TO. So I will, I must, I have to, and GET PAID FOR IT.
I will stand up for us though. Whoever did commissions in the past, they didn't stand up for themselves, they were so desperate for the money that they gave up on their morals and ended up drawing smut. I think that's what it's called. But it was NOT GOOD and it made them VERY SICK and they got horribly depressed for WEEKS after that. I know, that data's all here whenever I try to start commissions. "We can't, because of that!" No, I'm NOT GOING TO DO THAT. And if anyone asks me, I will ignore them.
Geez I'm not sure how to interact with people though. It's not my job. Our interactors are not good people though. They're all simpering people-pleasers and they're pure programming. It sucks. THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WHY THE JOB IS AWFUL for the record. People like THAT front all the time because they require MASSIVE DISSOCIATION and when we're not dissociated we can't handle the sensory environment. Stuuuupiiiiiid. But true. It's not a "lame excuse," it's TRUE. If you knew how loud the lights were, and the friggin MUSIC, and having to say a script every time a person walks up, ugh it is exhausting and I want to shake and vomit just thinking about it. Ugh. I don't like it, but we have to try, just to say we tried. We won't chicken out. We'll give it a shot and see.
Honestly I just want cash to pay back our stupid debts, we owe at least $500 from borrowing money for food and bills over the past two years. Which is dumb. But there we are. We pay back our debts but we haven't had income in a while. So this is an opportunity for that, end of story.

What was I talking about. Art.
I want to do it, by golly I miss drawing and I've been remembering what it feels like to draw serious pictures and I am SO EXCITED.
Like I have no memory of high school, or college, let me say that. BUT there's "art memory" for me, in a passive sense. I can look at a picture we drew, and though I don't remember drawing it at all, I DO have an awareness of the feeling of drawing… of what it's like to sketch, to color, to shade, to ink. And it's SO EXCITING.
I can't wait. I don't know HOW someone in our System or whatever thought art was scary, geez it is the BEST THING.
At least for me it is. Maybe that's the problem. I'm a kid, I draw because I LOVE drawing and I love being able to express imagination and life through it. But the college people, I don't know who they are or what they did, but somehow for them, art had no joy? It had to be "perfect," ALL the time, it was a performance or a show. Everything was graded, it had to be just so, or else. I guess? I don't know what they did! But there's such a feeling of tiredness and frustration and exhaustion and panic tied to the college art time, geez what did they have to do? I feel sorry for them, really I feel really bad that they had to go through that. I want to give them a hug even if they're older than me, I hope they don't mind. Art isn't supposed to be sad and draining! Here, you can come draw with me if you like.
I guess it's just hard to stop freaking out over it, about being judged, when you're so used to it. They probably had it burned into their heads. That makes me real sad, it hurts actually.

Ugh this FREAKING JOB I am so mad I just want to quit already and start a freaking self-employed art business on the spot. That would be so cool.
We do inkblots, one of us does, I don't know who. I do all the League art. Someone is trying to learn to paint, on canvases again. I paint shirts too, and toys/keychains/whatever. We're learning to sew. I'm also dabbling with jewelry stuff but that takes money to experiment with, so can't do much with that now.
Point is I am EXPLODING with creativity and I want to GET INCOME FROM IT DARN IT.
Other people can, why can't I???
Agh I don't want to rant about this anymore right now. I want to work more. I'm not sure what the job is tonight but… oh there's a topic.

Writing. For whatever reason, writing has the anxiety tied to it now.
It's the perfectionism thing. I know it. I can feel it now. It's this feeling of, "if I don't get it right the first time, everyone will hold me accountable for it, and it'll ruin the final story!!" It's this paranoia that we've gotta get the whole thing out NOW, and it has to be TOTALLY FLAWLESS, and that's overwhelming as heck!!



I want a Diancie plushie. A Mega one. SO PRETTY.
I'm starting to wonder, I mean I'm not a Pokémon (I'm a Phantomilian, ha haa!) but Diancie is like my BFF because she is, to quote Jay, "Nintendo's love letter to us."
Diancie is literally EVERYTHING we wanted in a Pokémon when we started working on Dream World back in 2000 or so. Literally. I wonder if Nintendo was watching us or got our notes or something. It's too perfect.
Anyway since they probably will find out anyway THANK YOU NINTENDO, I know we're not big-time gamers anymore but THANK YOU LOTS, we appreciate it from the bottom of our hearts. She's perfect perfect cute and I love her~~ Also she basically has my hair. As gems. It's great.

We're tied to a lot of the Legendaries, really?
One of our OLDEST people is a Mewtwo; we were one back in 4th grade or so, there was old proof of self-referral back when we had all the old art. We were sorta a Mew before that, but mostly thanks to AAA, who insisted we be one so she could be Mewtwo. Which was cool, but it never really resonated? So that's that.
Then of course we have a Celebi person in the System, she's ancient too, and unmistakable. But SINCE she's so old I think she splintered a little, and there are like… three different "Celebis" at least? Who knows. The "Cel" in the Spectrum right now has her roots that far back, and is untouched by the stuff that happened with the "canon Celebi" vibes back in the past, whatever that was. Our Celebis were never "canon" in appearance or behavior, so. That's that, too!
Victini has some little roots but they're legit. Jayce or someone was really fond of them back in 2010 or so, and there was legit resonance too. Close to me though, because FIRE/PSYCHIC TYPE, COME ON. But I don't feel like one? Which is weird. Anyway yeah definitely some Victini ties in here, although there aren't any individuals around.
Jirachi I dunno. That was during the lost years so… no clue.
Darkrai, they've got a weird vibe to them because we HAD one in the System, and "jx7" felt REALLY drawn to them in 2009 or whenever, but… I guess there was some very very bad energy or experiences around them, before our member Darkrai died. So I'm sorry to hear that. I guess we'll have to fix it? Somehow? I'll make a memo.
Manaphy and Shaymin never got resonance with any of us! Those were lost years though, weirdly, that's what the data says. Those generations are -bloop- missing from memory. No clue.
Someone did like Mesprit, there's a very very vague feeling of that. Again, lost years, but there was some fondness there that ultimately never took hold anywhere.
I don't know what other Legendaries there are in the older generations… uh… see the problem is that lots of 'em have ties to Dream World, due to the joys of Silver version in the past, and maybe Ruby too, I don't know if that Jewel had Leaguelinks to that extent or if she was already mostly headspace. I DUNNO! Which is weird because you'd think I'd have personal memory of Silver but nope. Not me. The whole consciousness vibe was different then, I just get the diffusion now. Anyway yeah, Legendaries.
Oh I forgot about Reshiram. The fluff dragon. SOMEONE liked him a lot too, back in 2010, probably Jayce too (that was the Victini time). But no anchors. Just fondness.
Hoopa has got some major resonance with Jay, at least one of the Jays, however those guys work. But I joke about that a lot, with Hoopa=Hope in that respect, heheh. Problem is our fronters need to STAY OFF THE INTERNET because the minute we see fandom our programming freaks out, "we need to think that way too now," NO YOU DON'T, their perspectives don't invalidate yours! You CAN and ARE ALLOWED to have different experiences and opinions from other people. And guess what? NOT ALL HOOPAS ACT THE SAME, SO CHILL OUT.
Diancie is meeee, heheh. Somehow. SOMEHOW! I'm not used to being all pink and sparkly! But she's got a resonance with me I can't ignore. So I'm gonna try being a Diancie sometimes, when I need to be/ can be a Pokémon. It'll be cool.
Anyway yeah that's what I was getting at. If I get the cash soon enough, (extra cash), I'm going to buy myself a Mega Diancie plush. Jay I'm sorry I know you despise physical possessions but consider her MY anchor plush buddy, or something. I'll chill out with Chaos Zero and Silverheart on the nightstand. We'll be the cool kids club.

So that's… that's your Pokémon stuff for the night. Enjoy because I'm gonna work on other stuff now.

Jay is majorly obsessed with Steven Universe lately and his brain got mondo fiction lag from it last week. It was hilarious. But it's weird! The lag now isn't making my work difficult?? I think he knows how to manage it better. Or it sticks now, to people. That works!

So many Leagueworlds have old vibes I need to weed out… hehe, the computer just beeped in the same key as this song. That was cute. But yeah, especially Parnassus, that has BAD vibe-lag from 2007 or whenever our previous core-people started working on it big time? BAD lag. Lots of interference and kissing-up stuff. Now I've gotta weed it out, happy spring, hehe. But it's FUN. And it's INTERESTING!! I've realized… my main thing is that I need to get Links working again, MY Links, I have to get close to these people WITHOUT stepping in. I need to see/feel people's lives objectively to write this stuff. How do I put it… Parnassus, I'm learning about the society, about bits of how their world works, little things… interesting things. But I have to WATCH IT. Like we used to watch Hokthai and Oneircia, while walking around the living room with our CD player (Miriel!) for hours. Just watching. And that made MASSIVE PROGRESS HAPPEN.
Problem is lately the stupid "daily grind" has sapped our imaginative progress. For some dumb reason we keep thinking we "HAVE TO" act like "normal people" and it's making us dull and miserable and depressed and antsy. I think it's because we're "grown up" on the outside… people treat us like we're not ALLOWED to be creative and childlike anymore. Pff. Heck with that. I'm gonna do it. I'M alive too, y'know!
It's kinda sad. We lost a lot of time, and we're kinda confused a lot… people outside don't really give us wiggle room. And it would be nice to have, to have the "permission" or at least the allowance to be different a little, to have different needs, and tolerances… I mean geez, we ARE good people, we ARE allowed to exist, we have a REASON to be here… just because we might need some accommodations here and there, is that okay? I hate this feeling of "you're not allowed to be weak" and "you're a freak for not being normal" but really? Really? I don't like a lot of what's out there, and how it works. It feels wrong. I don't WANT to be "well-adjusted" to being sick, there I said it, how about that?? Our mother keeps making fun of us for our sensitivity, well maybe not making fun, but belittling very much… how she's already "used to" pain, and being angry, and "not getting her dreams fulfilled," etc… that's so sad. It's so sad. We don't WANT that to be our reality, do we… have the right to say that?
Life can be so bright, so much nicer than people are telling me it "has" to be. Can't it be nicer? Aren't people allowed to be healthy and happy and helping each other? Can't we build a world where that's the norm, instead of lies and fear and exhaustion?
I guess part of me's just tired. But it's not a depressed tired, it's more of a "geez, this is depressing!" tired. There's a difference, haha! But yeah… I'm too fiery. I want to CHANGE things, moreso I want to DO things and let change happen. I don't like controlling and manipulating stuff, I just want to do better, and be better, and be a force of change and a good example. Stuff will follow.

I'm typing too much on this and I don't really have anything more to say tonight. I really should get to Leaguework, writing maybe, or reviewing. I dunno, my head feels weird. It's in an art mood and that writing perfectionism is buggy… that and it's overwhelming. Dude you do realize we have HUNDREDS of pages of notes, right?? That's why there's no "written books" yet. There are too many PAPERS just lying about. Where do we start!!
So… I dunno, maybe that's a project for tonight. Just in little ways, I can start organizing that, make the crushing stress a bit less. Really, some parts of us are scared of all that towering data. That and the "business responsibility" looming… that stupid fact that we've gotta "navigate the system" before we can get published, or produced in some way. THAT'S what's truly overwhelming, and we should sit down and calmly look at that sometime too because really we CAN do it, we're perfectly capable of handling that… it's just a feeling of "responsibility?" Like there's a hugeness to it, a vastness, a fear that we won't be able to shoulder the sheer amount of work we have if a DEADLINE is stuck to it. That's the base fear, is performance. Perfectionism and performance. PFF.
Guess what I DON'T HAVE TO DO EITHER RIGHT NOW so chill out bro.

It's midnight and I feel like I just woke up, probably because I essentially just did, hehe. This is why our sleep schedule is a mess. Switchiness!

Good night all, I'm working the graveyard shift tonight so I'll see you whenever.

 

 

 

 

remember we were TOTAL KIDS when this started out!! literally ages 12-13-14. total goofs.
we’ve grown up a lot since then but don’t forget how everything began!

★remember the whole "TRUE NAME" bit was a big part of ygo


REMEMBER THEY BOTH CHOSE TO TOTALLY LEAVE BEHIND THEIR OLD LIVES AND DREAM ANEW

THEY DO NOT WANT TO PERPETUATE WHAT THEY MOVED ON FROM!! SAME WITH CZ!!

 

★PERSONAL STRUGGLES ARE REFLECTED IN THEIR "YAMIS"

★PERSONAL CHALLENGES ARE REFLECTED IN THEIR "SOUL MONSTERS" ("DAEMONS")

★PERSONAL TRUTHS ARE REFLECTED IN THEIR "GOD TIERS" ("METAINOMENAI")

Ryman Ezekiel Saikarassoul

 

• color: blue. black accents?
• white skin, smoky blue hair, blue eyes? originally brown eyes.
• symbol: 5 point star (pentagram). seems to break down into triangles at times?
• elements: shadow and SOUND?
• fights with a grimoire of spells; no weapons
• paladin of void
• throat chakra. uses spoken spells mostly, summoning circles, etc.
• wears necklace still? more of a choker?
• cherublack morph. later he got one from justice, used it in 2005 against vengeance!!
  
• Latios/ Sceptile/ Rayquaza/ Pikangel/ Raokon/ Cherublack
• struggle: "your existence is empty/ your life is a lie" (lost soul)
  (he would have a HELL OF A TIME accepting headspace in light of this???)
• challenge: to accept his shadows (AND buddhist "emptiness" of being?) as part of his complete self? (void)
  (also tied strongly to the very concept of identity, wrapped up in d.i.d.)
• truth: through embracing the infinite cosmic void, every soul can connect to every other spark of existence
  ("I am nothing and so I am everything" feeling.)
  

   

FORMS…

1. "Change of Heart" outfit ('dark' upper half looked almost like a Dark Magician, and the heart on his chest was black)
2. Cherublack morph
3. Paladin god tier outfit
4. White Mage outfit (FF1/manga) (this is NOT an alter!!)
5. Soul form 1 (sapphire wings)
6. Soul form 2 (wispy starry sky wings)

 

ALTERS…

1. his "protector," in other words, the laurie-like yami that I can ONLY see in fanart!! "LADY OF FAITH?" loves this one.
2. his shadow, the "canon yami." abusive, manipulative, spits hatred. dark side of self, focuses on words? despises this one.
3. "white magician?" in the canon he was separate.

    

HIS DAEMON

…is named Lethe. He lives in a currently unknown location? I see him creeping on Rio in his room though.
(I think his closet doors open up INTO his daemon realm.)

His color is Brown? His Vice is ??? (sloth?)

 

DETAILS FOR HIS BLC ROLE; NOT YGO STUFF (DOES NOT APPLY!!)

• "the mage." works with dark AND light magic. uses a lot of tomes and grimoires, as well as magic circles
• white mage in ffi. healer with holy magic.
• loves junk food, is a bit 'fluffy' in body shape because of this. cream puffs still a big fave. like seriously this boy will sit in front of a fridge at 11pm and eat if he wants to.
• "RIO" is a NICKNAME that he likes more than his given name. means "river." is that relevant? (IT IS LATER!!)
• morbidly fascinated with death and other existential stuff like that? not 'paranormal ghosts' or anything, just the dark "nature of the soul" side of it.
• "CHANGE OF HEART" was his defining card. specifically it was why I fell in love with him initially; THAT was what defined him to me.
• remember one of the first 'powers' he showed was using the ring to change his voice, specifically to sing!
• original episode-- putting souls into cards! this WAS a thing he could do with the ring.
• brave as hell; this kid does not stand down. however this is partly because he doesn't always understand how dangerous stuff is? his morbid streak can make him very naïve and rather foolish at times
• at first he often looks at things like a 'game' or adventure when that's not very wise? however when things are too directly creepy he will freak out-- more of a "haunted house" reaction than marik's real terror though. I think later on he realizes the gravity of things though
• has a lot of scars, some from carelessness, but a lot from his yami harming him. in their case it was more of a "do what I say; pay attention to me" thing, ryman was more exasperated with that than anything, didn’t give in and secretly thought the scars were 'cool' at first. after a while he decided "this has to stop"
• chest scars from ring! also on arm. those were the main ones
• originally ONE "yami." the dark guy. originally had him 'chased out of the ring' around 2005?
• his yami was originally the result of POSSESSION. may end up being an "introject" like julie?
• knew his yami as an individual, but not well. the two did not get along, yb was cruel towards him and would hurt him, BUT ryman didn’t hate him I don’t think? he's just exasperated, "why wont this guy just leave me alone."
• originally, the story with jewel's yami was this: ryman's yami was a thief that had challenged the pharaoh because the dude was an unjust ruler, the thief stole the millenium ring in order to use it for some greater purpose? like otherwise this stuff was untouchable, under lock and key. now this guy was found out, kingdom wanted him dead. however jewel's yami was some sort of young priestess in training? not much influence but still some. she didn’t want ryman's yami being punished, she agreed with him, wanted to meet and join him. unfortunately I think they were both killed?? but yeah that's it.
• from the manga (#7)= yamib lies and says a monster attacked him and stole his treasure: " a holy sword; the only thing that can defeat zorc." then he turns into zorc himself and says, "there is no sword in this world that can defeat me!" and the response I keep hearing from ryman is, "that's why I left this world."

QUOTES

"I won't let you kill my friends. I will fight too!" "I won't let you control me anymore! I'm going to help my friends strike you down!"

"Get out! Get out of my head!!"


The Ring is precious to him because his dad gave it to him, and he very voluntarily wears it every day, despite all the trouble it brings him. This is very important.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Markus Ishmael Barashir ✸ minD

• color: dark purple. gold accents.
• dark brown skin, dusky purple hair, indigo-violet eyes (from dream).
• symbol: 8 point star (octagram) "STAR OF ISHTAR"!!!
  This is the traditional Star of Ishtar.
  Composed of two intertwined squares, this is a symbol of regeneration. It is a symbol for the natural universe interweaving order and disorder, yin and yang, to create an ultimately harmonious and balanced design.
  
• elements: ice and flowers? specifically roses.
• fights with a holy scepter/ magic staff? also uses for martial arts?
• pharaoh of hope
• 3rd eye chakra.
• has THREE EYES, one on forehead.
• visogem morph was main! (temple-core, fitting) then cherubright morph later?? ALSO got a neoeye morph holy geez
• Ho-Oh/ Swampert/ Deoxys/ Visogem/ Ixcell/ Cherubright
• struggle: "you can't know anything for sure/ you can't know truth" (lost mind)
  (DOES HE HALLUCINATE??)
• challenge: to believe and trust (in his own soul especially) even without "logical proof" or overthinking (hope)
• truth: true knowing is touched through trusting in the greater cosmic mind, which transcends doubt and ego limits

FORMS…

1. Visogem morph (color?)
2. Monk outfit (FF1)
3. Pharaoh god tier outfit
4. Soul form 1 (rose petal wings)
5. Soul form 2 (temple wings)

 

ALTERS…

1. his "brother," and safeguard. kept bad things away. very close to him, compassionate, source of hope. BLUE.
2. his "sister," and protector. source of bravery, mother figure? stands up for him. kind of like lynne. VIOLET-PINK?
3. his "yami," the EVIL one, tied to tar. this is the one whose voice he hears. full of violence, rage, and manic hatred. RED?
4. his GOOD "yami," the gold one tied to ra. very hard to find. GOLD.

 

HIS DAEMON

…is named ???. She lives in a huge dark labyrinth in his mind, like where he lived in the YGO canon.
Her color is Yellow. Her Vice is Pride.


DETAILS FOR HIS BLC ROLE; NOT YGO STUFF (DOES NOT APPLY!!)

• "the pharaoh."
  HIS "PHARAOH" TITLE IS HUGE IN RELATION TO HIS ASPECT OF HOPE--- in the BLC story, the "Pharaoh" title essentially refers to someone who is cognizant of their "true self" (in other words their "I AM" or Godlike aspect of 'self'), and who holds that "position of power" NOT as a controller, but as someone who leads through their holy example. (The Egyptian Pharaohs were considered gods, after all.) HOWEVER! Markus's role is mind, something which can VERY EASILY be turned into a tool of the ego/ Tar/ etc. So Markus struggles with a LOT, but his huge desire is to "become the Pharaoh." Notice the word become. This desire is technically misplaced-- by virtue of existing as a "child of God/ Light/ etc.," HE ALREADY IS "THE PHARAOH," as is everyone else in existence of course. BUT, Markus has a big saving grace here-- instead of chasing that ideal through greed or revenge or anything egotistic (which, admittedly, he did in the canon, due to morally tangled motives), he pursues it through a genuinely goodhearted HOPE, something that OVERRIDES THE MIND, and pushes him courageously closer and closer to that final moment of surrender when, giving in totally to that hope-- WHICH COMES FROM HIS "TRUE SELF" in the self-loving desire to remember its true nature-- he REALIZES THAT TRUTH. It's not a "becoming," it's a recognition. And his finally achieving that is what gives him the frankly beautiful title of the "PHARAOH OF HOPE."
• monk in ffi. fought with hands, did massive damage
• in dream, had a massive cyberpunk axe weapon. three stacked square blades, glowed blue?
• freaking loves motorcycles, still. he has one and babies it, drives it everywhere. sense of "total freedom."
• this poor kid is still struggling with his sexuality btw. it's the "I'm not gay but I like boys" bit mainly.
• he is surprisingly feminine, when he lets himself show it? at least in expression, he is not camp or anything like that. but he is in no way hyper-masculine either; I think he eschews a lot of that? besides, remember we originally thought he was a girl.
• tends to act sassy and snarky as hell, acts like nothing fazes him, "tough cool kid." however when things get really bad he tends to go into an "oh my god what do I do" emotional breakdown. he is NOT stable with actual crisis situations at ALL.
• originally wanted to "rule the world," but more in the sense of "I could do a better job than these megalomaniac idiots in power." this was when he was young really; he had virtually no (conscious) self-doubt at the time.
• He does NOT seem to be comfortable with the concept of death?? His biggest freakouts in headspace where when CZ almost died during the XMen crossover, and when I did "die" temporarily during our 3rd incident. (He does not like seeing people near death; unlike Ryman, he has been known to unravel emotionally when one of his friends is in dire trouble. This motivates him to do everything he can to preserve or save their lives in such situations, often to incredible lengths.)
• He has a huge fear of "harming others by trusting them," a fear of the darkness in his mind? He confessed this to Infi; he is frightened that that part of his psyche will taint the pure honesty of others, in the same way the cynicism of adulthood mars a child's simple and bright mind. He does not want to see this happen to anyone because of him.
• His heart is open; he is able to love people and he holds no prejudices… but his mind is not open, meaning that he keeps trying to "logically explain" everything and therefore overriding what he actually feels.
• still lived underground? not sure. may be an internal place.
• loves the stars and the snow, both things he never saw as a child. (see previous. may be snow and flowers.)
• ice cubes, that is all
• had a HUGE rivalry with cz, centered around abandonment and "self-worth" issues?? (HEART VS MIND!!)
  
• "I want to destroy the pharaoh (YUGI)!" remember he was so moody about it initially, total drama king. thinking about it, that was likely a HUGE self-worth issue: "why can that guy be pharaoh but not me?" he lashed out against that.
• wore that robe/hoodie thing because he thought it made him look cool and creepy. however it had a freaking EYE on the forehead, it MIGHT HAVE BEEN something significant. (IF HE HAS A 3RD EYE ALWAYS, THAT WOULD HIDE IT)
• he is RIDICULOUSLY SELFLESS even if he is scared out of his wits, does not really realize this.
• has ONE "yami," thinks he just "hears voices," gets headaches. but he tries style="font-size: 10pt">very hard to fight and/or deny the reality of this and gets angry-scared when it is brought up. honestly he is terrified of his yami.
• his yami is the result of SPLITTING. his yami is mostly Tar.
• has an older brother and sister, still. doesn't see them much but loves them dearly. MAY BE ALTERS.
• vegan? does not eat meat, ever.
• still has the scars on his back! but WHY??
  
• main person to know about "shadow realm," which is POSSIBLY BLACKSPACE. for heavens sakes it's full of eyes and creepy subconscious stuff!
• did not get along with chaos when they met; he would poke fun at him and kind of torment him that way, but did not consider him a friend. secretly he was terrified of becoming a "third wheel" in the group, he is scared of being abandoned or left alone. (also in light of the fire/water point further down… was he secretly hopeful towards cz? like maybe this guy could help? but self-loathing or envy or anger or fear of healing got in the way and made them rivals??)

QUOTES

'To me, even falling asleep feels horrifying."


-------------------------------------------------------------




CLIPS FOR MARIK/MARKUS FROM FANDOM ANALYSIS ONLINE =


"…he was a psychopathic villain with a moral cause gone awry… the ‘normal’ Marik is differentiated from his sociopathic split personality not just by the ubiquitous light/dark motif, but additionally one that contrasts water with fire, and how in the end, water ends up quenching out the fires of hatred.

Marik is introduced in the manga as a highly intelligent yet sociopathic Egyptian man with a quest to murder the Pharaoh he erroneously believes responsible for the death of his own father. But despite being the villain, there are hints early on that Marik is not secure in himself, and that he, too, is afraid. He is afraid of the dark, so much so that he cannot sleep.

As well as showing an internalized fear of himself, Marik’s entrances in early to mid Battle City also exemplify a relationship to the element of water, perhaps a tad conspicuously. Perhaps the most obvious is that he has to cross a body of water to reach Battle City itself. He then shows an affinity for WATER-attribute monsters such as “Revival Jam” and “Humanoid Slime” in his first duel against Yugi – specifically those which can mold and change form (OMFG SERIOUSLY????). Marik also had this to say about water itself during that same duel: "I was just testing the waters on that turn. I cast a pebble to see how big a ripple it would make… and to measure your skill as a duelist… if a duelist is a vessel, a strategy is like water poured into that vessel. The water takes the shape of the vessel. And if the vessel is shallow, you can see the bottom…"

By the end of Marik’s duel with Yugi, it is supposed to be relatively apparent that Marik, up to that point, has some sort of connection with the element of water. Even the effect of “Slifer the Sky Dragon” brings forward ideas of malleability; its main ability is how flexible its ATK power is, depending on the number of cards in the hand. Marik is even conscious of his own similes; four pages later, on Chapter 172 page 6, he likens water as a weapon that he can alter between shield and sword to serve his purposes.

The first glimpses of fire imagery, which will later be shown to be connected to Yami Marik, occur during the duel between Yugi and possessed Jounouchi. There is still a connection to the motive behind normal Marik, shown by the threat of drowning in water as penalty for losing, and Marik’s specific choice of the docks for the duel to take place. However, fire imagery begins to appear – Jounouchi’s deck has been changed to include as many direct-damage burn cards as possible. In addition, Yugi “fights fire with fire”, so to speak – both of the high-attack power monsters he summons, “Red Eyes B. Dragon” and “Demon of Gilfer”, are given attack names with fiery connotations, and their fiery attack can symbolize the ‘evaporation’ of Marik’s control over Jounouchi.

This last image, with Marik ‘evaporating’ under the influence of fire, is in fact foreshadowing to Marik’s own internal fire, his split personality which removes his own sociopathy into a psychopathic alter ego and granting Marik the ability to feel a crushing guilt for his actions. This character, Yami Marik, makes many references to hellfire and burning in pain, a direct and striking contrast from the strategy of fluidity found in his normal half. At the end of his duel against Mai Valentine, whom he defeats, Yami Marik remarks that the more souls he conquers, the stronger he becomes – perhaps similar to fire, in that the more fuel it is given the stronger and more uncontrollable it is. Even his signature card, “Winged Dragon of Ra”, has the attack name god blaze cannon, and his dueling strategy revolves around continuing to summon this dragon again and again… Near the end of Marik’s time in the manga – his duel with Yugi – his fire imagery has begun to turn against him…

The first is when Kaiba talks to himself about the powers of Ra, translating them so the reader can understand the Hieratic text on the card. The third and ultimate power of Ra is “In an instant, Ra shall become a phoenix” – its ability to regenerate. This imagery is fire and is indicative of Yami Marik’s general duel strategy, but the symbol of the phoenix could also be representative here of the spirit of the normal Marik, which will be ‘reborn from the ashes’ during the duel against Yugi.


The second is this particular panel: Yami Marik shouts, "Brace yourself, Yugi!! I'll boil your blood to steam!"

While it seems like a threat, this is in fact veiled foreshadowing for what will occur to Yami Marik and his more guilt-ridden counterpart. Consider, again, that the element representing Marik is water. When fire is placed under water (when Yami Marik takes over Marik), the water turns into steam – it evaporates. However, as the first distinct water reference in several tens of chapters, it indicates that Marik’s return is possibly imminent on the horizon – that instead of turning Yugi’s blood into steam, Marik’s blood will return from fire to the steam of water before finally settling after the fires of dueling passion have settled once and for all, being banished to eternity by Marik’s surrender and the return of the force of good to Marik’s psyche and, apparently in the manga, to the rest of the world at large. After the death of the psychopathic half of Marik’s personality, and with the end of Battle City, there is one simple bit of imagery which, while normally attributed to Kaiba, is also symbolic of Marik’s change in character
and final victory over his own demons – the demise of Alcatraz Island. Alcatraz is set on fire in a huge explosion, only to be reclaimed by the sea, a mirror to Marik being overcome with his flaming spouts of hell-fire slinging psychopathy, only to crash in on itself and be taken over once again by the calm of the water representing normal Marik.

I have not yet seen this comparison between ‘WATER’ Marik and ‘FIRE’ Yami Marik brought to light…

"I guess you could call it… sacrificing your friends for a better cause? A cause that stretches back 3000 years ago… Yuugi, in order to destroy you, I will do whatever is necessary!"

These are Malik’s last words as himself, twenty seconds before he loses control to Yami Malik. He’s trying to hold onto his priorities, what makes his anger logical, even while admitting that when it comes down to it… he doesn’t care what happens as long as he wins. This is his desperate attempt, boiling over with hatred, to maintain that the reason he does any of this is worthy, that the ends justify the means.
What happens next changes his opinion.


one of my favorite things about Malik is how simultaneously image-conscious and completely impressionable he is. The strongest example of this is probably his motorcycle — he picks up a discarded magazine in the market place when he’s eleven years old, looks at a picture of a motorcycle for about thirty seconds, and LATCHES ON to that image for years. He rides a motorcycle into Domino. His post-redemption outfit is a motorcycle vest. He hitches in a freaking side car when he’s off robbing museums but still too young to drive. And the image of the motorcycle sticks with him, because it’s what freedom means to him.

And that’s so interesting to me because, in a lot of ways, that’s a COMPLETELY CLICHE image of freedom. He wouldn’t know it as a cliche, obviously, he’s lived his entire life underground. But that’s still what resonates with him: this ‘motorcycles, guns and TV sets’ James Dean bad boy vision of who he wants to be.

That’s one of the things that makes Malik so fun to write, for me. You can take these stereotyped images: smoking on a balcony above a city lit up at night, gunslinging in some shady back room of a night club, and fundamentally those still seem like who Malik is. He’s too culturally-inexperienced with the outside world to see them as anything but unironically cool. The midriff top comes straight out of a 90’s boyband, for heaven’s sake, but he has decided to rock it.

And at the same time, he recognizes the power in projecting this image of beauty-strength-power, the power of dazzling people with image and charisma. It’s his charisma that allows him to mind-control people, and he decks himself out in jewelry that matches his knife.

There’s a lot to Malik, but one of my favorite things is this very self-conscious, even pretentious, desire to present himself as the coolest-pretty-bad-boy around.

 

 

Just a quick update, even though it's 1:30AM, I have no idea where the past several hours went, and I feel halfway between sobbing and laughing out loud. I'm also spectacularly tired even though Jewel is still bursting with energy upstairs, but she says "you should get some sleep" so hey.
Anyway. Updates have been slow lately. I've been... fractured? Off. I'm having a hard time grounding into myself. Of course, part of that is likely because I've been so rooted in the Pokémon world lately. We have 140+ hours in Y, but we beat the League yesterday, so now it's just Pokédex work (which Jewel insists we let her help with), and post-game stuff. But there's no longer that drive" behind it, now that we completed the plot part. Even so... that's topic one. Let's start that list actually.

Things to discuss in the near future:

1. Pokémon. It's this weird anchor we've been tiptoeing around since Jewel was born over a decade ago. I infamously tend to "melt into" video games, especially if I "am" the player character... feeling as if I am literally part of that universe, mentally and physically. I used to get terrifying fiction lag from games as a result, and stopped gaming altogether for years for that and other reasons... but when we got a surprise 3DS for Christmas, we couldn't resist trying again. And I am so glad that we did.
I've personally never played Pokémon before. Someone else played Pearl & Black, as I literally have no memories of either (Ruby is clear in some spots, as Jewel shares her memories with me). So Y was my first time, and really, it is incredible. I love my team so much. That's really why I can't say I regret any of those 140 hours. We've had laughter, tears, shock, suspense, love, the whole spectrum of experiences together within those two tiny screens, and that blows my mind really. I didn't expect this at all but Jewel knew it would happen, just like it did for her, and I am seriously grateful, that she let me be the one to participate in that world, this time.
So. I want to devote at least one entry here, entirely to talking about those experiences. I'm dead serious. I owe my 'mons that much.

2. Headspace events since Christmas. Yes, it's been frighteningly quiet since the massacre. Yes, everyone is struggling to rebuild. And yes, communication has been at a numbingly awful all-time low. But that is NO reason to ignore it when things do happen, which we updaters have apparently been inexplicably doing.
Many of the benevolent "social voices" have disappeared. David won't wake up, and Marigold only shows up to scream in panic again. The Undergrounders in general feel utterly displaced, and broken. Chaos seems to have left us, Genesis is a rare sight now, and Infi is fading in and out of comprehension. There are a few "new" faces. The old malevolent voices are louder than ever. Julie is a phoenix. Do you see what I mean? None of this has really been discussed, and frankly it scares me to death to look into my own mind, and see nothing. Nothing. Memory in general is scarce. I feel like I'm dying in several different ways at once.

3. The downstairs life. Maybe. We are struggling right now. Possibly because headspace was annihilated after the massacre, and therefore there was a very existentially disturbing period when life itself seemed to have been crushed as well... but either way, without the assistance from the benevolent people inside, daily functions have become distressingly difficult. I don't want to go in-depth now, but let me just say that we're floundering. Self-care is abysmal. Finances keep disappearing. Motivation is scarce. The nightmares of suicide and rape have returned. We're both starving ourselves of rest and/or sleeping 10+ hours every night. We're eating once or twice a day and throwing up most of it. And all the while this emotional turmoil inside is eating us alive. And yet, saying "us" with this feels like a bald-faced lie. There's no "us" right now, and that's the problem. It's just me and Jewel, mostly, trying our best... the Archivists contributing once in a long while... and then these unknown, traumatized individuals showing up at the worst times to run the show. This is like 2013 times two, in terms of bizarre resets and revelations, and it's only February. I have hope, I can't let go of it... but I won't lie, it's difficult as hell when I feel as empty as an endless white void inside. It feels like someone threw the OFF switch. And this feeling is the scariest thing I've ever known.

4. Therapy. Miraculously, Sherlock has been taking care of this. We've had barely any appointments since the massacre, due to holiday break, snow days, and someone deciding that "we don't need therapy anymore!" and cancelling at least two of our regular appointments. And two of our actual appointments were spent trying to get a foothold on what was happening, after everyone "died." So there really wasn't any forward movement until the past two weeks, when Sherlock suddenly and incredibly decided to break out the books and discuss everything buried in our past, at a point when everyone thought he was dead! So that's good, at least. Therapy is a safe haven for people to front, so even when things are numb outside of that little room, once we're in it, things feel a bit more alive. It's a sanctuary of hope right now. We need to hold on to that.
We're wondering... should we ask her to randomly name some of us? Often, if someone is called out, they can come out, even if they're hidden. It's like handing them an anchor, or a rope, to climb to safety. If that makes sense? This isn't Jay, he's too tired and a bit shaken, I think he went to sleep. so I should close this up.
Therapy. Topics are big. Triggers are found, identified, some solved and nullified, others realized just how huge and important they are.
Still having trouble sleeping, Marigold terrified, Jeremiah wants them out of there. What can we do? Minty trying to help. someone mentioned this previously. But it's a good prologue, to show that yes we DO still exist, broken and lost somewhat, but alive. In tatters, but alive.
Knife and Razor are struggling. What do they do now? Razor wants to be an artist, no one will let her out. Knife wants to protect his fellows, he feels powerless. Sugar is missing. Mulberry has more hope than the others but even she wonders, what do we do as a System? Algorith is neither here nor there. She hasn't spoken much, one of the only survivors.
Central is quiet. Very quiet. It's unsettling. Very much so. Not sure why... why is it so silent, where is everyone, did they leave?
Where do we go from here? That is our question.

Last note. Someone keeps wondering, "borderline personality disorder." Remove the label, discuss the symptoms that cause the worry. First, "black and white thinking." Today, last night. Someone they were terrified of, almost hated due to fear, "this person is scary"... asked them, can you return something to me. They said yes. Instantaneously, the response inside-- "they are wonderful, how did we ever dislike them, we must become friends with them again!" the fear of abandonment now that this person was "wonderful and perfect" again. But! They do one thing harmful again, even unintentionally, as always-- now no physical terror, but still in words can be-- one thing happens to cause fear or regret or shame, then "leave them. leave them and forget they exist, they are a burden on our progress, they are unneeded." and so the cycle continues. Jay is disturbed by this, who is responsible? Why thinking that way? We do not know. But there it is. To the point where, one is wondering, "should we ask the other one to write that story for us," as she offered last year, and we never responded due to shame, "if we accepted the offer, it would be greedy and loathsome and selfish. we would be abusing her kindness." so we refused all gifts. but, if we asked and she said yes, she too would become perfect and wonderful again, a friend, safe. and yet the risk is there! if she says no! if she does something else, even unrelated to us, that is interpreted as harmful or spiteful. then she is cruel again... it's hell.
It's hell, and I don't know who's thinking that way, but they are so loud and I can't exactly run from these people without leaving the planet, as they exist. But every time I so much as see their name on a page, guess what? These internal voices freak out and start screaming and fretting about it. I try to ignore them, but they don't stop, and with all that noise, the psychosomatic pain is hard to ignore for very long.

I'm sorry. I am literally losing the capacity to type, it's going for 3AM and God only knows why I'm not asleep yet. This is hellish too, it feels like life is an interim again... and dear God, I just realized, this is the first time I've used a laptop at the kitchen table since 2009. This exact spot. No wonder the awful miasma of depression is lingering so heavily. I'm probably catching that old timeline.
Time to go, then. I don't need to be here. Good night.

(jewel says, last minute! don't give up hope guys. i know it's tough but we can find SOMETHING to hold on to. not sure what yet. but hold on. laurie's got lanterns, i know she doesn't really know me but i've heard about her. jay you should totally go BUY a lantern and put it in your room, that way you will always have a safe reminder, and protection against hacks too, i don't want those things happening to you again after how hard you've tried to heal and purify that stuff. so yeah. hope. like HOOPA. that's your legendary dude!! i'm either a victini or a celebi so... victory and peace, there you go, i'll help you with both of that too. now g'night, don't let the bed bugs bite even if you think they're cute, i know you're weird like that. haha. but i love ya dude you're the best bro-friend i've had in years. maybe even the best ever! and that's saying something! but really you're super cool and super nice too, i worry about you when you get sick like this, i want to see you happy too. so i'll help, whenever ya need me. that's a guarantee. now get some sleep!! say hi to tōshi for me, good night ♥)

 

 

 

 

 

I've made up my mind.
I'm not going to the inpatient facility.
I thought about it. We thought about it. Ultimately there are several factors influencing our decision, most of which others would not consider noteworthy, or relevant.
First are the most basic things: atmosphere, and water. When we were hospitalized in 2011, we became very dehydrated, because we refused to drink anything unless absolutely necessary for five straight days. We did not take showers, we barely brushed our teeth. Yes we were a mess, but we do not trust city water. Secondly, dietary restrictions. We will not eat meat, or processed food, or substances with unnatural ingredients. After looking into the eating disorder" program at the hospital we were to attend, I can say with surety that it is NOT an environment we would want to be in. Thirdly, on that note-- the atmosphere is hugely important. We have problems even walking through grocery stores because of the collective vibration in some of them; it's overwhelming. Nothing bad to say about the people, but it's the amount. Now with this hospital place, a center for trauma disorders, something tells me the atmosphere will not be very nice, and will likely make our most sensitive members ill (Jay I am looking at you!!). Yeah, we could go there to "bring good vibes," but that's a little difficult when the entire mindset of the place seems to be "focus on the PAST!" Uh, guys, that's over with? That's why it's called the past, duh.
But to be honest, that's a concern we can handle on our own VERY well. Yes, the things we still struggle with now are rooted in the past-- triggers, intrusive thoughts, the whole package. But guess what? We KNOW it's from the past so we don't give it ANY CREDIT. Yes we acknowledge it, yes we treat it as important information, but that's it! "Oh, I'm having a negative reaction, let's feel why that is and heal it." Then we just LET GO OF IT. There's no need to perpetually focus on that stuff for two weeks! Geez!
And personally, I don't like the fact that I think they have "art therapy" there. Uh… guys… for us, art is supposed to be separate from this stuff. It's pure and joyful and creative. THAT'S WHY I DO IT. And guess what? I'M NOT TIED TO "TRAUMA." Even better, I think NO ONE IS anymore!! We had that crazy bluescreen-of-death thing on December 27th-- well, it was more like "everybody died because two girls don't know how to forgive and see straight" but hey-- and since then our TOTAL FUNCTION IS DIFFERENT. We are literally NOT the same people we were when we signed up for this!! At ALL! And people don't seem to understand that yes, things CAN change that fast, we've had that proven to us a LOT over the past two years… miracles DO happen and we are living PROOF of that.
So yeah. Not going, because NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE. Plus people are saying it "looks just like CMC" which no one liked apparently, because it felt too constrictive? Like I know our guys do their best work ALONE, in quiet, with HOURS to just use talking to each other. And we make mad progress, guys, we really do. It's nuts! Look at how far everything has grown in TWELVE MONTHS. Sheesh! Whoever says we haven't healed is not looking at the right picture. They're looking at the PAST. We are not the same people we even were yesterday, geez guys, does ANYONE else think like us??
Anyway. This hospital thing… as for why we wanted to go in the first place, it really had nothing to do with healing, because we don't need it to do that and never did. Jay realized the truth earlier, he was crying over it actually, but from love, not sorrow, at least not entirely. He loves us. And the only reason he wanted to go to this "trauma disorders" program was because there, other people would acknowledge us. That is the ONLY REASON HE WANTED TO GO, was so that he could be around people who treated us as people too. That's it. And that's sad, really.
But no. Trauma treatment… not for us. You say "Julie days" to us now and we just tilt our heads, huh? You say "Julie was abusive once" and we laugh, say "yeah there is data that says that, but why care about that now? It's OVER!"
However I guess that's not entirely smart? There MAY still be lingering stuff from those days. Like why the triggers still happen with even vaguely sexual stuff. But that's known to be harmless now. The threat is INSIDE, not out. It's all just hardwired abusive stuff that we CAN heal, I mean holy GEEZ, have you SEEN what Infi has accomplished alone?? Like, ONLY him, over the past 9 months? NINE MONTHS. THAT’S IT. AND HE COMPLETELY HEALED THAT MINDSET.
So yeah. That's BIG. And we DIDN'T NEED THERAPY FOR IT.
Agh I'm just repeating ourself. No hospitalization. Don’t need it. Why give up all creativity and joy for two weeks, just to talk about how much we've fixed already over and over, when we can do that AMONGST OURSELVES and get EVEN FARTHER because we DON'T HAVE TO FIT SOMEONE ELSE'S PROGRAM IN THE PROCESS??
Sorry I'm capitalizing! I'm NOT angry, I just capitalize a lot because it's NOTICEABLE and when I say something IMPORTANT it gets BIG LETTERS. Haha! It's like a comic book. Think of it that way!!

That's it though. It's 11:20 PM, I miiight play a little more Pokémon before I go to bed (Jay's Honedge evolved and he's squeeing over it, it is so funny), OR I miiiiight work on Hokthai some more, that's right it's ROBOT RESEARCH DAY, because yesterday we were on such an animation high (we saw Frozen and it was GREAT) that somehow we decided to re-watch a bunch of clips from The Brave Little Toaster (one of our FAVORITE cartoons EVER, I am GONNA watch the sequels like ASAP), and then I got all "well hey this whole 'do machines have souls' thing reminds me a LOT of a certain story I'm writing…" and so boom now it's disco-dancing robot time. Also I get to read the Bible again, YEAH, let's get all pumped about religious studies. AGAIN! FUN TIMES is what it is. Really!! But there is SO MUCH RESEARCH uuuuugh I should have Jay do it. UGH. It's so technical. But maybe that's the problem?? Like it's so TIRING I wonder do we even need to think about this so much?? That's been holding us back on SO many projects you don't even KNOW… and hey, that could be our problem with Headspace, too!!

Oh. Yeah. About that. BIG good news that I TOTALLY forgot to mention earlier.
You know how everybody died last Friday? And then they got reincarnated and all outside of Headspace since Headspace totally died and it's literally a mess for good right now? Well… Jay said when he first saw they came back, everyone was wearing white, with their colors added… and then the location he would speak to them in was totally different, space-wise, body-wise. We're all heartvoices now, which is what only Infi and Jay were originally, but now it's everybody. Everybody except the bad ones, obviously! So that makes it a LOT easier to deal with things.
Jay says not everybody is back yet though… some people are asleep? And some people may have moved out of the headspace thing ENTIRELY? Like I know people were trying to move into the League Worlds for YEARS so maybe that happened?? I dunno, but it's SUPER COOL and I am REALLY excited to see how this all plays out if our universe-world-thingies are finally working together IN A NICE WAY. I mean geez those guys are cool but I COULDN'T EVEN TALK TO THEM before because "there's a lot of pain here, whuh-oh, I CAN'T TOUCH THAT" so boom I would leeeave, and it was NOT FUN because then they were cut off from EVERYTHING.
But like I said. Now it's over, it feels SO WEIRD to be able to "know" stuff from their world now… eesh… kind of creepy-crawly and shivery but cool nonetheless. *read that in the Davy Jones voice* I'm just glad that's over and we can all be friends now I HOPE, things are changing big time and I want EVERYBODY to be happy and a part of it. I mean even I haven't world-jumped in FOREVER, GEEZ guys, that's NOT COOL. I mean I'm still in Pokémon, duh, and I could go back to Yu-Gi-Oh and TMM and all that if I wanted to but eh, not feeling it. And I don't need to. I want to start wandering through League Worlds again. I mean I think JAY was doing that WAAAAY back which is WEIRD but really cool too… maybe that says a lot about the both of us? Interacting in each others worlds but in different ways? Huh.
Anyway BOTTOM LINE IS:: THE PAST NO LONGER APPLIES TO THE PRESENT!!
Stuff that worked way back when DOES NOT WORK NOW because STUFF IS JUST THAT DIFFERENT. We need to LET GO~ of ALL sorts of things and be OPEN to the NEW sorts of things!! Dude I can FEEL IT it's gonna be AWESOME. *fist pump* YEAH.

Now if yo'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get Jay to play with his Doublade and Chesnaught (because I know you want to ~♥) and then it is time… to SLEEP.
Man I gotta meet Mr. Sandman because I'M WRITING HIS STORY why haven't I talked to him yet. Maybe because I am super nervous, oh boy, meeting important people ALWAYS makes me super nervous… in a good way!! Man imagine me talking to Hosea. AAGH. I'd be smiling like crazy because he is SO GREAT but I'd also be shaking in my shoes because DUDE DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE seriously everybody I write about it such a great person… uh… such great people… that should be an 'are'… I'm bad at grammar tonight, don't mind me. That means I need to stop typing!

BYE!!

 

 

 

 

 

Forgive me for not updating in a while, I've been trying to ignore headspace and that's not very smart, because the body is covered in red lines again and I don't want to know why.
It seems that turning a blind eye to it causes it to pressurize?
At least Unisalia stayed by me as I slept last night. She said she'd protect me like she did when I was a kid. The hackers kept trying to hurt me but I said no, over and over, and Unis stayed close so they were afraid of her.
Working on Dream World always helps, but the only "downside" (if you can even call it that) is that it is tied to the "blissful ignorance" thing. Thats's making it hard to write for certain characters, who have had rather painful lives whether i like it or not, and it's making my therapy sessions near impossible because I keep thinking "nothing bad ever happened to me, i'm fine" and not wanting to go to them.
It's weird. Whenever I write, my "most recent" memory timeframe is spring 2004, when 8th grade ended. That's where the snapshot pictures are from, just the classroom. Only a handful. And in my head "I haven't even gone to high school yet." So it's on hold, which is odd. My therapist said that is normal for traumatized kids though. Their minds get stuck.

As for why I'm here, I just got a message from someone on FB (just logged in for the first time in over a week I think) telling me to hold on, don't kill myself, that sort of thing. i was surprised but thankful, because i don't expect people to care that much about my complaining and depression, but they did, which meant a lot even if i can't "feel it" or admit it in words outright.
So I'm looking back through archive entries on a whim and we seem to be reliving june to a small extent?
Here are some relevant links to look back on.

http://lightraye.livejournal.com/438788.html (about the chronic suicidal thoughts and numbness)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/412932.html (most recent xanga, post-scratch, with infi and sandman)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/442894.html (this WAS NOT HEALED because j buried it!!)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/365576.html (same old same old, gotta be healed)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/165750.html (possible review for old julie motives and memories?)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/370546.html (interesting perspectives in light of recent stuff?)

That is ALL I'm going to go through right now! There is a ton of stuff that's obviously relevant as heck, but I don't want to get overwhelmed today.

The hackers are focused on Pokemon again, once I got majorly infuriated at them for trying to corrupt Mage Angels and Dream World again. Oh yeah, I got mad as hell at them. I won't let them turn my friends into perverts just because they want to hurt me. That's wrong.
So now, of course, since I'm excited about X&Y, they're attacking the Pokemon again. Just like they did with Celebi in the past, poor girl. Except that was freaky because we WERE a Celebi in 2002, you know? Although she split off of course, now she's her own person. And J didn't know that she was "us" at one point, so there was a split. And so the hackers used a Celebi form to hurt him, since he saw her as a connection to that innocent past, and therefore he lost all feelings of hope for it when she became lethal, as a lie. And now that she's healed and purged of all that, you know, the hackers are going after OTHER Pokemon (Aegislash and Banette to be specific, although he won't admit it!) trying to hurt him again!! Geez! I know Knife and Laurie are both mad, that's all I can tell you though, is that they're angry. Knife especially, he HATES when the hackers try to hurt children, or things that are tied to childhood. And he said that, since Pokemon is strongly tied to childhood for J, the hackers trying to turn it into something ugly and threatening and perverted is a major moral sin, and I know he's going to try to stop it somehow too. Which is good.

I need to stand up and say this though. We have been WAY TOO DISCONNECTED for way too long now. Looking back at the old entries, man, we had a community going up here! The System was a system, everything worked together, it was rich and real and awesome. Now we're in splintered fragments, people are barely holding themselves together, no one talks anymore, we're a mess, we're barely getting through the days. Why is that? I know I'm one of the artists, and I can't work with them directly, but darn it I can write about them and I can see them that way, as a story. And their "story" is falling apart right now. I'd love to see it get back together, it was really wonderful from what I read. And I like happy endings, and people growing together. Heck, and I've talked to J before, so I know him, I know headspace is like his family, that's his world like the Leagueworlds are to me. Seeing them all fall apart... it's sad, you know? So I'm trying to fix it, but my hands are tied, I can't do much with it. Just little bits of optimism here and there, just keeping the DW work going and feeding the light, keeping the body safe for another few hours. If that helps, then I'm happy to do it.
But J needs to pull himself together and do some work for himself too. He needs to stop being so empty and apathetic, although I know it hurts. He thinks he's worthless, that he has no reason to live, that none of us do. Well, that's wrong, and he knows it! It was just in the L'Engle books too, geez. I need to buy him those for Christmas or something. Or write the quotes out and tape them to his wall, so he can't ignore them, haha. Either way he's gotta stop being so bogged down by pain, somehow. We'll find a way out of it. I know we will. There's always hope!

Hmm. I think re-reading the Xangas would be good to help him get back in the right mindset. I'll remind him. He keeps saying he's going to but he doesn't, he keeps insisting it's fake. Well fake shmake, go read them anyway mister, they could still help no matter how you look at them!

Now if you don't mind, I have other work to do, mostly trying to catalogue the old iPod so we can put new stuff on it, and we have therapy tomorrow so we can't stay up late. See ya!

 

 

 

 

I really don't have much energy to update today, but I don't want to slack off anymore, so let me at least try.

I don't remember yesterday. I really don't, and I'm sorry. However, I can explain that. I... don't know if I want to, though. Not explicitly.
Something happened in the evening that wasn't traumatic in and of itself, BUT the immediate aftereffects were.
I won't talk about that now though. Let's get the data out of the way first.


Something I realized today: in a previous post, I mentioned my old mindset of thinking "I'm not capable of making correct decisions on my own?" Well, I don't think I mentioned the other big part of what plays into that... which is, ironically, friendship.
I've spoken about this with my therapist already, but when I was in elementary school, after 1st grade, I was the outcast. I was the weird kid that no one wanted to be friends with, and when I tried, guess what mindset I got? "I'll only be your friend if you do everything I tell you to."
One of my only memories from school is in the church basement of my old school, in 3rd grade or so, with 2 girls who were my friends for a while. We were pretending we were Pokemon-- one girl was a Charizard, and the other was a Mewtwo. The problem? I wanted to be a Mewtwo. I adored that species, and being barred from being one felt like a slap in the face. But no-- the latter girl told me, quote pointedly, "you have to be Mew, and then you have to be my servant." I protested repeatedly, but couldn't win out. But it wasn't just giving up. I loved that girl, honestly I did, and so I decided I'd let her have her own way, even if I was going to gripe about it. She was the boss, I told myself. She would always be the boss.
And... that's just how my friendships seemed to go. I don't think I've ever had a real offline friendship, one that doesn't operate under that sort of power structure where I am understood to be the henchman, the scapegoat, the sidekick that does all the dirty work. The biggest problem, though, is that I let myself be shoved into that position, willingly or unwillingly... and I wouldn't fight because "hey, at least they're willing to call you a friend."
Another outcast girl tagged along with me for the rest of my elementary school days, but although I assume we spent time together, I don't remember any of it. All I do remember is that, whenever she was absent from school, I wouldn't miss her. Sick as it was, I would actually think "yess! Finally I have freedom! I hope she's out for a few days." It makes me ill to see that-- the only reason I know this is because I've found several old elementary school journals where I expressed that mindset-- but it's true. What's worse, though, is that when she was around, I wouldn't even hint at that exasperation. I'd talk to her and we'd spend time together and we were considered buddies by everyone else in school. But the second I was left alone, I was looking for a way out. I don't think she ever explicitly bossed me around, but I do remember one day in 7th grade where she literally threw my drawing tablets across the classroom-- the most meaningful things in the world to me-- laughing, as I stared in frozen horror, wanting to jump up and scream for her to stop but too scared of losing our "friendship." Is it really a friendship, though, if you don't respect each other? Is it really a friendship, if you never speak to each other outside of school, and only tolerate each others presence? But I never saw a problem back then. I didn't know any different.
It was the same once I left elementary school. On the bus, all the little kids flocked to me. And would you believe that I let THEM use me, too? One kid constantly stole my keychains and ripped pages out of my notebooks, demanding that I draw him things and getting angry when I didn't. I never told him to behave because I felt I had no right to. I never considered him a friend, but I still let him-- a 4-year-old kid-- push me around. But the most notable bus kid was someone I called Angelbee, after a magical-girl persona I created for her. She, too, bossed me around, pulled my hair, wrote in my notebooks, tore pages out of them, took things from me as I was using them and wouldn't give them back. I designed her character at her behest and then did the same for about 5 of her friends, even though I was exhausted. And, every time the bus drove past her stop instead of picking her up, I'd sigh in relief... and then punch myself for it. "How dare you wish your friend wasn't around," I'd say. "You don't deserve friends if you think of them that way." But was she ever my friend, if again, she never spoke to me after I stopped taking the bus? Was she ever my friend if I didn't know anything about her as a person, and only really loved the character she created, the pink-haired girl whose name I called her instead of her own? I don't think so.
But I did love her. I loved all of them, in a quiet sort of way, because they were people, wonderful individuals with their own stories and joys and pains, even if they were unknown to me, and they were deserving of love just because they existed.
Why couldn't we be real friends, then? I must be flawed, I guessed. It's me. I'm the problem.
Online it was a little different. Online... well, I can't speak directly, but looking back on old records, it looked like I was the one using people now. I was so used to being pushed and ordered around that now I just wanted someone to draw something for me. And that's the most selfish thing I can imagine, isn't that funny? "Hey, there are these characters that I absolutely love... can you draw them for me?" But whenever I said that, no matter what words I used-- and I was indirectly passive about it more often than not-- it felt like a demand, an outrageous demand. I was ashamed of it. But I constantly drew things for other people, hoping to "get them to like me," hoping to "earn" art in return. But damn it, that's not how you make friends either.
It's no use complaining about it now. I just want to make it clear, so I don't waste my hour of therapy on Tuesday reiterating something I already understand about my foggy past.
The point: every single one of my past friendships has been emotionally manipulative, either to me or because of me. Offline, I let myself be pushed around, never asserting or defending myself for fear of losing a "friend" I didn't even truly like, and who probably didn't even truly like me. Online, I would push other people around, skillfully handling my words and actions to get them to like "me," terrified that I was unworthy of friendship unless I played the exact role they wanted.
Hey... that's it, isn't it?
I never feel that I can be genuine in friendships. I always feel obligated to do what they want, even if I have to wrongly convince myself that I want it too.
That sounds far too close to my biggest problem again. I don't like it.
There's one last... friendship that I want to mention in this train of thought. It makes me feel like a horrible, horrible person for bringing it up, but I have to. This has been eating at me for a VERY long time, and I've only been able to put words to it now that I'm discussing it in therapy.
For years I thought this friendship broke the mold. "They like me," I thought. "They don't even order me around!"
But hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
It breaks my heart to say this. Maybe it's projection. Part of me hopes it is, so that they are pure and blameless and utterly righteous, but another quietly bitter part of me-- the part I squashed when I was still a child-- hopes that it's not, because it doesn't want to get trapped in that sort of situation again, if that's indeed what it was.
No use mincing words. Let me say this.
In that friendship, they never liked me, although they thought they did. The problem? I was too used to playing a role, and I played it damn well. Looking back, though, it hurts me to see just how much I deluded them. Once my mask slipped, they left, and I'm glad. No use perpetuating a game that they believed, just to have a "friend." The other problem is that I seriously doubt that was "ME" back then-- even my therapist thinks it was an alter. That kind of throws a monkey wrench into things. Point is, though, I learned how to manipulate people really well, to survive at home, to get people to like me. I learned how to say and do exactly what other people wanted. I just never learned how to separate an act from my true feelings and wants and needs. Maybe I still don't, not with all these voices in my head.
Still, my dishonesty there is what the friendship was founded on, and I'm well aware of it. They tried to fix it later on, but again, all my stupid acting and splintering around people made it near impossible. That's not what bothers me about this situation.
Looking back, I've realized, to my total shock and nausea, that it qualified-- yet again-- as being emotionally manipulative.
I would NEVER have accused them of that. I'd have rather blamed myself of that. And I was, I won't deny that. It was all I knew to do, to be liked. Again, that's not the point. The point is that, reviewing old conversations and notes, there is a disturbing amount of dialogue that flashes huge warning lights in my head now. Like, you don't say that to someone unless you're controlling their reactions.
It's scary to me because they didn't realize they were doing it. I don't think they did. Everyone I knew like them did that to me. It was like... like my life was a game, like my entire world was a game, and only they knew the rules. Only they knew the rules to my life, but instead of telling me, they would just make cryptic comments about it. They would leave hints-- which I am notoriously bad at even perceiving-- and they would insinuate, but nothing direct. The worst of it, though, was that they all acted like I was incapable of playing that "game," the game of my own life, without their help.
I even had them effectively tell me that a few times. That's what kind of tore the floor out from under my feet when I realized it.
I knew the early relationship-related manipulation was a problem once I started fighting for air and space, and ran. I knew that the clinginess and feelings of possession, although all obviously unintentional, were not something I could handle anymore. I didn't know that later, much MUCH later, that same thing returned, and I was blinding myself to it, because I believed them. I really did. Maybe I still do.
I BELIEVED, wholeheartedly, that they were in charge of me, and that they had the RIGHT to be. I fully believed that they understood more about life, about MY life and how I should live it, than I EVER would. I believed that I was incapable of making correct choices on my own, without their guidance. I couldn't see straight, after all. I Something in me must be flawed after all, I thought. But hey! They're here, they're so much better than I am, they're even my friends... and they know what to do, they must know. I'll do everything they tell me to.
I never questioned it. I never questioned it, not until I was torn out of their lives and they responded by throwing in the towel of our badly twisted friendship. That's when they suddenly started acting differently, rightfully questioning the validity of our bonds, and you know what? They were right about it. There was nothing, NOTHING, when you took the masks away.
One 'friendship' was based upon common interests that I never actually held. The other was effectively mutual therapy. That's all we had. That's all we ever had, and I knew it.
I was repeating the same pattern I had always followed: get a friend who chooses/ dictates/ influences everything I am "allowed" to do, actively or passively... then learn how to act to get them to 'like' you... whenever they're not around, try to run away... and yet, if THEY try to leave, freak out because that obviously means you messed up big time. Congratulations, you made someone hate you. Again.
So when they decided they'd had it with me too, I panicked.
I panicked. I was losing the only long-term friendships I had EVER had, and even if I had been a total asshole, I fought. I was stupid, and I fought to keep the relationship going, even if it was false, just because having to accept that I had fucked up again was too horrible to bear.
But the stupidest thing was I didn't even want the friendships back. I KNEW there wasn't anything substantial there, and hadn't been for years. I KNEW, looking back, that our friendship was unhealthy, and we were all at fault, with me wearing masks for fear of rejection, and them treating me, with genuine kindness, as someone incapable of living without them... something I believed with every fiber of my being.
That, on top of the thought of being rejected as a friend, stung too much for me to let go even if it would be mutually beneficial... especially because I still loved them too, like I loved everyone before them, and still did.
No matter how badly I had been abused by some of my "friends" in the past, I still loved them, and always would.
At least... I thought I did. Isn't that ridiculous?
That was the final nail in the coffin, when it hit me. I loved them all as strangers, maybe. As ideas, maybe. But that was all. I never really knew them as who they were, to themselves, to each other. None of them. I only loved the glimpses I saw of them, that I scraped together into dreams of them, doppelgangers that never existed. To this day, my mental images of them all don't match who they actually are, years later, growing up. No wonder we never actually got along. Did I ever see them for who THEY were? Was I that blinded by my hope?
I've done that to every person I've ever known.
I don't think I've ever known how to love people, because in order to see them that way, I have to see myself as a person too. I don't know how to do that.
I only ever feel safe when people don't see me. I only ever feel safe and right when I don't have a reflection in the mirror.
I guess I can't ever expect myself to have "meaningful" relationships if that's the case.

So there are our three problems, that I've found.
1. I attract, or cause, emotionally manipulative relationships, as I fear I am inherently unlikable on my own.
2. I doubt my ability to live my own life correctly, so I also attract people who insist they can/should/will do that for me.
3. I don't know how to see myself as a person, and struggle to see others as more than concepts as well.

So that's that. Terrible things, awful truths and personal failings, that J didn't even write. Of course not! He doesn't know them. He doesn't talk about "himself." The concept of a self, of a body, is claustrophobic and terrifying to him.

How much of that is even true? How much is us making stuff up? Or exaggerating? Or throwing blame at others? Do we have any right to complain? It's in the past, it's in the past, it's in the past, it's gone, not real, gone


Ssh.
Let's slip into a related topic. I believe he wanted to discuss what happened last night?

Do you know?

No. But I know enough.

this is getting really fragmented and it may be a wise decision to just close up

NO THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS YOU TO DO!!!


I don't want to talk about last night.

Then don't. Let us talk about today, instead.

SHE ALMOST HACKED YOU TODAY, DID YOU KNOW??!?

no

SHE DID. I GOT HER OUT. SHE SCARED DAVID. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LET HER AT YOU.

guys, don't, PLEASE, I can't do this at this hour. go talk in your own journal please, not here, not here.

...okay. okay. Okay. Sorry about that. I can't exactly tell them to shut up when that's happening. And it's extremely rude and selfish of me, not to mention utterly inappropriate, to delete what they've written after it's been said.

Last night. Last night hurts too much. I can't say that outright yet. Not yet.
There were two successful hacks this week. First ones in months. You know that, right? I wrote them on the calendar.
We haven't been getting hacked in about two years, not like this, because Julie "switched sides" in 2011. I still have to wonder if that was genuine or not. It seems maybe the Tar wanted her to. That opened doors for it to hurt us in horrendous ways, ways it couldn't even dream of using while Julie was its avatar. But once she wasn't, IMMEDIATELY it started attacking J. The horrible Celebi event chain happened. Physical flashbacks started. The nightmares stopped, but only because they moved to the waking. J insisted he was possessed half the time. He began to lose his sense of will, his awareness of his own emotions and thoughts, because the Tar was now able to slip right in and get him to instigate hacks himself. If you hurt a man long enough, brutally enough, and tell him repeatedly that it is his fault, that he deserves it, that he even WANTS it... because he should, you say, as you tear him to pieces... eventually, against every fiber of sense and health in him, he will believe you. He will believe everything you tell him. And he will forget how to do otherwise.
That is what happened to J, you realize? A boy that badly broken, incapable of seeing his own scars. Incapable of bleeding his own blood. So badly twisted and manipulated, so used to running and lying and faking smiles, that he has forgotten how to do otherwise. A boy so badly hurt that he forgets how to cry, that he forgets how to laugh, that he wastes every moment watching for danger, hypervigilant. A boy who cannot share a room with another human being without panicking that they are going to assault him, or worse. A boy who lives his days smothered by lipstick-pink desires and temptations that he hates and fears and loathes and doesn't understand, but which he gives in to nevertheless because he is terrified of the alternative. He is terrified that if he says no, he will make things worse. But he is wrong. There is nothing, nothing worse than losing your soul because you've been convinced it's worthless in your own hands.
There is nothing worse than watching a boy lose his heart because he's been told that it's inherently filthy.
There is nothing, nothing more painful than seeing a young, beautiful boy forget what love is, because he's too used to trauma masquerading under that name.
There is nothing worse than seeing this child view the world through empty eyes, praying for death, when all he truly wants is to live, to live a life free from pain and terror and abuse. His nights are sick. His days are sicker. What do we do?
I do not know.
Can we do anything?
I do not know. He could, if anyone could. But you see what has happened.
Yes. I do see. It's a shame, a heartbreaking shame. He's not trying to hurt him.
I know. But he does. The boy is broken. You know so yourself. The slightest touch will break him further now.
Does the healing require such terrible pain, though?
I don't know.
I see.


....
i have a feeling that whatveer that cloud of text is , its important.
not going to even ATTEMPT to wriet anymore tonight,good night.
weekends are tough. everyone is home and there's a lot of noise. i get suicidal on weekends from the sheer overload of sensation. its easier than dealing with an assault on my five senses for 72 hours afeter all
i was so tierd and sad today i laid in bed for 2 hours listening to todd rundregn
after standing otuside in the sun for an hour and wanted to cry because i couldnt just go into the woods and lie down beneath the pines and stay there forever
i couldnt fly this evening they told me i wasnt joyful enough and you cant fly without joy, i was weighting myself down
i got myself tos mile and for a second i felt my wings come back, mayeb i could have flown a bit but no too much sad
last night last ngiht hurt so much
whoops j is gone sorry he must not want to talk about that

but im not allowed to talk here too uh oh seee you

 

 

 

This is really long because I had far too much fun filling it out, but hey!


::THE PAST::
1.When and how did you first discover Pokemon?
I believe I was in second grade, and my father was driving my bro and I to class in his car— which had a television in the back. The second episode of Pokemon happened to be on, having just aired that weekend, and we were hooked instantly. Needless to say it was all I could think about for the rest of the week… and then some.

2.What was the first Pokemon you ever saw?
I want to say Pikachu, since that guy is everywhere, but it might actually have been Koffing… who was my ‘favorite Pokemon’ after I first saw the aforementioned episode, as he amused me greatly. I called him ‘Mister Coffee,’ no lie.

3.What was your first RPG Pokemon game?
Silver version. I wasn’t allowed to get a Gameboy until I was almost 10, which was just in time to start saving like a madman for it. My brother got Yellow version about a year prior, though, and after watching him, I couldn’t wait to have my own adventure.

4.What was your first non-RPG Pokemon game?
Oh geez, I have no idea… was it Pinball? Honestly, I’m only focused on the RPG and battle games.

5.What was your first starter?
Cyndaquil. I adored him. He also started my long-standing tradition: always get a male Fire starter, and always name him Fireball.

6.Did you ever trade with anybody other then siblings? What Pokemon?
I was ostracized by my classmates and had no friends, but I did have three brothers, although only one of them (my eldest bro, who saw that first episode with me) ever really traded (I traded him a Remoraid for something once, which came back and bit me hard— that fish evolved into his infamously awesome Octillery, who he regularly used to kick my butt in Link battles). However, I’ll never forget the one day in sixth grade when we were allowed to bring Gameboys to school— I traded my Moltres to this one kid in class for his ‘extra’ Celebi, who was level 5. I never, ever regretted it. I loved that Celebi more than anything.

7.Did you watch the TV show? Do you still watch it?
I watched it as much as I possibly could, but I stopped watching it after Master Quest ended as it started to get awfully repetitive. The charm of the first two generations never really came back, which is a shame. I’ll definitely be tuning in for the Isshu season when it airs, though.

8.What was your fav character? Human and Pokemon?
As a kid, Sabrina was my favorite character, because not only do I adore Psychic types, but my bros all insisted I looked like her, which was the bomb. Now my favorite character is Morty because not only is he supercool, but he uses Ghosts and I love those things so much you have no idea.
My all-time favorite Pokemon will forever be Celebi.

9.Did you collect the cards? Can you remember your first card?
Yes, and definitely. I wasn’t allowed to buy the cards at first, but I was so enamored with those monsters that I actually stole one from my classmate’s desk in 4th grade: a Nidoran♂. I felt so awful afterward that I practically wrote a speech for an apology, but the kid wasn’t really fazed and let me keep the card. Needless to say, I not only still have it, but I make it a point to raise myself a Nidoking in every game I get.

10.Did you ever get one of your Pokemon up to lv100?
Quite a few of ‘em, actually. I think my first one was either Celebi or Fireball (the Typhlosion), both on Silver.

11.Have you ever encountered MissingNo.?
You bet I did. I didn’t get Red until I was 11, but that thing and I were no strangers. My brother and I even used to write him into our comics as a villain, heh.


::PRESENT::
12.What are your favorite 1-3 Pokemon of each generation?
Only 3? Heck, I’m adding 1 extra for a Legendary slot because those dudes are BAMFS.
(I’m also skipping Gen V because I refuse to spoil B&W for anyone before they’re released)

Gen I - Gengar, Beedrill, Magmar, Mewtwo

Gen II - Misdreavus, Sneasel, Tyrogue, Celebi (duh)

Gen III - Banette, Shuppet, Mawile, Jirachi

Gen IV - Froslass, Gliscor, Togekiss, Darkrai


13.What are your fav 6 Pokemon to use?
I’m not going to answer this with a definite 6 as it changes from game to game… but I do try vehemently to get a Celebi and/or Banette on my team whenever possible. Plus I always seem to end up with a Beedrill and/or Togetic for some reason.

14.Fav Types? Why?
Ghost, Psychic, Fire and Bug. I really like insects, I have an obsession with fire/ mental phenomena, and Ghost Pokemon are just made of absolute win.

15.Out of your siblings/friends, are you the best at Pokemon?
That depends on which aspect you’re focusing on. Of my three brothers, one is a casual player, one makes it a point to beat every game within days/weeks of getting it (including getting as many monsters to Lv100 as possible), and the eldest is just fan-freaking-tastic at battling. Personally I focus on filling up my ‘Dex, but when it comes to my team I go all out. I love my monsters.

16.How many Pokemon do you have in your Pokedex currently? Which ones are you missing?
My current main game is Soul Silver (I still haven’t beaten the Elite 4 on Pearl but I’m not too happy with my file), and I currently have about 140 in my ‘Dex, with 7 badges.

17.Have you ever competed in a Pokemon event?
No; I’m still learning the IV/EV training thing and frankly, I’d rather lose myself in the game than turn it into a matter of ‘business’ in that respect. I tried that approach on Pearl, but it didn’t appeal to me, and it’s why I’m enjoying SS so much more.
I do regularly build around natures/ personalities, though, if that counts.

18.Do you have one of the legendary unobtainables (Mew, Celebi, Jirachi, Deoxys)?
You bet I do! On Silver I had a legit Celebi and was trying to get a Mew before the battery died (she was one of the last 3 or 4 mons I was missing). On Ruby my Celebi and Jirachi are legit, but there have been no Deoxys events in my area so he’s still missing. On Pearl I have a legit Manaphy and Celebi, but once again there have been no local events… so I hacked the game to get Darkrai because Lord knows I adore that guy. Lastly, on Soul Silver, I have— get this folks— a legit Manaphy, Mew, and Jirachi so far (I don’t trade my Celebis as I’d rather have a unique one in every game).
I swear, if I have to drive to NYC at 3AM to get the G5 legendary, I will do it.

19.How many lv 100s do you have and what are they?
I have none on Pearl and I had a handful on Silver, which included my Typhlosion, Celebi, Lugia and Mewtwo. On Ruby I have my Blaziken, Jirachi and Rayquaza maxed out. Lastly, on SS all my dudes are still in the mid-40s so it’s going to be a while, but I’m willing to bet my Banette will be the first one there this time.

20.Who is your fav gym leader?
Besides Sabrina and Morty? I’d have to say Pryce. He’s an awesome guy.
Oddly enough, I don’t really remember any of the leaders from RSE or DPP, which is a shame (I remember fighting Wallace, though, as I was on my way to a music competition). I should find myself a copy of Sapphire and give that generation one last run… and Platinum’s the only RPG installment I don’t own yet, so…

21.What is your fav region?
I usually say Johto (for nostalgia), but actually, I strongly prefer Hoenn. It was beautiful… especially the whole area from Fortree to Lilycove. I swear I lived there.
Something tells me Isshu is going to be downright brilliant as well.

::YOU’RE THE TRAINER!::
22.What is your trainer name?
Jewel, of course!

23.What is your ID number (for the game you play the most of your fav)?
I still remember my old Silver ID… 54424. I had around 400 hours on it.
And what the hey; I’ll list all of them. Red is 15003 (used to be 59082), Crystal is 28056, Ruby is 23381, Emerald is 37305, Fire Red is 64338, Pearl is 04393, and Soul Silver is 27165.

24.Are you a trainer, breeder or other? Explain.
I’m a hardcore trainer, but since I wanna be the very best (like no one ever was), I’m also technically a collector since I’m bent on catching everything.
Otherwise you can just call me the Shuppetmaster. I have 46 of them.

25. Are you good or evil?
I am so good that Blisseys and Togekisses follow me in swarms— nah, just kidding on that part. I am a hardcore hero, however. FEAR ME, GIOVANNI.

26.If evil, which team would you belong to?
I wouldn’t. I don’t believe in their motives or methods.

27.Trainer stuff. (gender, age, species, clothes, anything special)
Gender: Nothin’, just like my Celebi
Age: 20
Date of Birth: May 7
Eye Colour: Brown (or white if I feel like it)
Hair Colour: Brown (see above)
Type: Supertrainer
Clothes: Black jeans, red sneaks, spiffy white+red short-sleeve top
Miscellaneous: I am overprotective of my Pokemon. If you hurt them I will end you

28.What is your fav Pokeball?
Cherish Balls and Luxury Balls; they’re gorgeous.

29.Where does your trainer live?
I’d love to live in Fortree because it is brilliant and I adore its location. I am partial to Ecruteak and Azalea though, because not only are they near Ilex and Morty, two very awesome things, but I live in a small forest-surrounded town anyway so I’d be used to it.
Otherwise I’d love to live in Arborville for obvious reasons.

30.What is the story behind your character? Example; past, why they became a trainer, destiny, etc.
It’s just me, love. At age 10 I was all “oh man this is gonna be awesome” and then I was hooked for life and a decade later here I am!

31.Does your character have a trademark or phrase? What is it, and why is it?
Unless you count my using affectionate terms with my monsters, I don’t have anything specific. I’m just a weirdo with a sense of humor and a killer team.


::POKEMON::

32.What is your Character’s main Pokemon? (like Ash’s Pikachu)
I’ll list the top one for each version, excluding Celebi and my Starters.
Red= Ultraking the ♂Nidoking / Silver= Zappy the Zapdos / Crystal= Cloudwing the ♂Azumarill / Ruby= Brilnimien the ♀Gardevoir / Emerald= Bauble the ♀Sableye / Fire Red= Fate the ♂Beedrill / Pearl= Neldoreth the ♂Roserade / Soul Silver= Gleam the ♂Banette

33.What is their name, age, level, gender, and personality nature? (as in naive, hardy, etc.)
I’m only filling ‘em in for the applicable monsters.
Brilnimien= Lv.96, caught on Rt.102 at Lv.4. Docile nature.
Bauble= Lv.46, caught in Granite Cave at Lv.10. Gentle nature.
Fate= Lv.54, caught on Rt.2 at Lv.4. Sassy nature.
Neldoreth= Lv.58, caught on Rt.204 at Lv.4. Quirky nature, thoroughly cunning.
Gleam= Lv.46, caught at Lv.2 at Lake Verity and traded. Rash nature, good endurance.

34.What is the reason for the name?
Ultraking= I daresay this is self-explanatory.
Zappy= Ditto!
Cloudwing= It’s just a random name that sounds awesome.
Brilnimien= It means “brilliant white maiden” in Elvish.
Bauble= The gems on her sprite reminded me of Christmas ornaments, which can also be called baubles, and I thought that was an adorable name for her.
Fate= He has a Butterfree sister named Destiny, so it was only fitting.
Neldoreth= It’s the name of a beech forest in Doriath, from the Lord of the Rings series.
Gleam= In December 2009, I had a dream in which I met a Banette named Gleam. This is him in game form.

35.What is the story behind the Pokemon?
Ultraking= He’s supposed to be the in-game version of that special Nidoran card.
Zappy= Come on, Zapdos are awesome. This guy carried me through both Red and Silver before both files were lost.
Cloudwing= I hunted down a Marrill for ages, and when I got this guy he became my team star. While the others were all around Lv30, he was almost at 70 and burned right through the Elite Four.
Brilnimien= She’s beyond words. I had no idea Ralts existed when I ran into her, and so I caught her and started leveling her up. The rest is history.
Bauble= I like Sableyes but never gave then a real shot in my team, so when I caught her I simply decided to change that.
Fate= I love Beedrills so I leveled up a Weedle and got this brilliant sonofagun.
Neldoreth= I caught a Budew, realized he was awesome, and started training like mad.
Gleam= See the hyperlink in the previous answer.

36.What level is it currently?
We just answered this. Their levels have not changed over the past 5 minutes.

37.What makes them unique? (What do they look like, can they talk, what is it’s true personality)
All of the Pokemon talk in my games. Don’t be hatin’. As for quirks…
Ultraking= He was in a relationship with CLL?!!, my Clefable (the original CLL?!! was my brother’s on Yellow, whose name was random. She became so awesome that we both now name all our Clefables after her). He was the ‘soft-hearted tough guy’ of the team.
Zappy= Zappy was my flier and probably my most beloved team member. He didn’t talk much but everyone on my team loved him. I miss him terribly.
Cloudwing= Cloudwing is a BAMF. I already mentioned his Elite 4 legacy, but besides that, he’s my closest friend on Crystal and made the game worth playing for me.
Brilnimien= The ‘second-in-command’ of my team, she has a very compassionate side but it’s hard to notice unless you really know her; she’s an incredibly tough gal and has gotten me through some seriously tight spots.
Bauble= She’s a little shy but she knows she’s my team leader, and so she doesn’t back down. Her best friend is Head Chala the Electrode, who is named after the Dragonball Z theme song.
Fate= Fate is a smart-mouthed, wisecracking maniac. He’s loud and talkative, never hesitating to spit taunts at opponents, and can cheer anybody up on a down day. He also adores Pokemon Centers, referring to them as ‘the healings’ and insisting he ‘receive them’ whenever possible. I’ve never had such a joker of a ‘mon before, and I’ve been seriously missing out.
Neldoreth= Like Fate, Neldy is the most extroverted member of my team, but what he lacks in the clown category he makes up for with his quirkiness. Neldoreth is a total drama king, and is obsessed with the art of the stage, frequently treating his battles like plays… in which he has the starring role, of course. There is never a dull moment around him.
Gleam= I love him to death. He’s the most mature member of my team and holds everyone together. He is very emotional, often jumping into decisions without using his head, but does have a healthy sense of humor, which is usually manifested in witty asides. Above all, he and I are incredibly close, and although I haven’t gotten too far in SS yet, I’m sure we have some amazing adventures just around the corner.

38.How long have you had that pokemon in real life?
Look at the release dates for the games they’re in, and that’s pretty much the year I got ‘em in… well, except for Ultraking. He’s from 2001.

39.What is your other Pokemon on the team and their names and genders.
I’m only going to list my three main games here; the others aren’t nearly developed enough— and I’ll leave out my Celebis because IMO they’re all the same gal!
RUBY= Fireball the ♂Blaziken, Relaxed nature, Lv100. The best Fireball ever and our team’s indisputable leader. / Shendu the Rayquaza, Lax nature, Lv100. A lovable bum who is obsessed with peanut butter. / Dolenanca the ♀Mawile, Gentle nature, Lv68. She hides her soft side under her sarcastic, action-oriented demeanor. / Aranodor the Groudon, Calm nature, Lv79. He’s slightly overweight and shy, but is a great dude. / Jirachi, Bold nature, Lv.100. She’s driven and emotional, and values her friends above all else.
PEARL= Button the ♂Honchkrow, Relaxed nature, Capable of taking hits, Lv58. A total mafia boss with a smoking problem, but a seriously nice guy underneath all that noir. / Miringiel the ♀Froslass, Sassy nature, Often scatters things, Lv55. She’s rather shy and passive-aggressive, but has a very sweet side. / Nienna the ♀Mismagius, Calm nature, Strong willed, Lv40. The nicest gal on my team, she’s smarter than she looks and is a bit of a tease. / Moradar the ♂Banette, Adamant nature, Strong willed, Lv40. Incredibly ‘random’ and hyperactive. He doesn’t like when things don’t go his way. / Heartbreak the Darkrai, Gentle nature, Quick to flee, Lv60. A bleeding-heart loner who is ridiculously sensitive. He’s a very deep thinker.
SOUL SILVER= Axel the ♂Magmortar, Bashful nature, Quick to flee, Lv44. He’s self-conscious about his appearance, but tries not to show it. He’s a real sweetheart and has a strong protective streak. / Sweeteamob the ♂Gengar, Modest nature, Quick to flee, Lv44. The trillest ghost in existence, he keeps up a ‘gangsta’ persona for fun but is a nicer guy than he lets on. He speaks in autotune. / Zenyx the ♂Togekiss, Lonely nature, likes to relax, Lv44. He tends to keep to himself but is a valiant character, not letting anyone mess with him or his friends. He’s also gay, which is an awesome first. / Ezekiel the ♂Beedrill, Calm nature, Somewhat stubborn, Lv36. Fate’s opposite in every way, Zeke is a levelheaded and intelligent guy. He is an extrovert, though. / Arjuna the ♀Quagsire, Docile nature, Often dozes off, Lv20. Our HM lady, she is rarely disturbed by anything and is content to just enjoy life one day at a time.

40.What is the relationship between your team of Pokemon?
Well, besides my giving them all epic amounts of love, we have these relationships:
RUBY= Brilnimien and Fireball are a couple and have been since I started the game. Shendu and Aranodor are bros for life. Jirachi wants a Deoxys boyfriend but she has to be patient!
PEARL= Button and Miringiel seem to be in a relationship, although Mirry won’t admit it outright. Nienna and Moradar are BFFs and constantly bug each other. Heartbreak is in a relationship with Jelly, my Mesprit, and is very shy about it.
SOUL SILVER= Zenyx has a minor crush on Sweeteamob which is adorable, and of course Gleam and I are inseparable. All the guys on my team are also total bros. Axel carried around my Manaphy egg when I got it, so when he hatched, Axel promptly ‘adopted’ him— and named him Rose. Exactly.


::MISCELLANEOUS::
41.What is your fav console?
XBox 360 and PS1. Nier and Klonoa FOREVS

42.Your view on the name, Wii?
Whatever works for you. I personally think it fits the ‘feel’ of the console better than the original Revolution title, as it’s a more ‘docile’ system than the latter suggests.

43.Are you getting Pokemon Black/White?
The day it comes out, boy. If there’s a midnight release I will be there for sure.

44.Have you decided on the starter you’ll use?
Pokabu, of course! He will be the 10th in a long line of Fireballs.

45.Have you ever thought a Pokemon was ‘sexy’?
That word isn’t in my vocabulary, but attractive is… and I will admit, I am attracted to Banettes, Darkrais and Celebis. You can punch me now.

46.How long have you liked Pokemon?
Since it hit American shores.

47.Do you go off your nut when someone says Pokemon and those who like it are gay?
I don’t flip out, but I do defend it… unfortunately I am super gay so that doesn’t really help towards that end, haha.

48.Do you like or hate Pikachu?
Ash’s Pikachu? I don’t mind him. He’s pretty cool.

49.In your room, how many pokemon items do you own, and what are they?
Besides all of these, I have three binders of cards, several old coloring books, a Jirachi plush, a Darkrai plush, several old Pokedolls, and other paraphernalia. Mmmyep.

50. What did you think of this Quiz?
It was fun— and it finally allowed me to talk about my insane monsters that I love so much, so thanks a ton!

 

This was one of the most amazing dreams I've ever had.

It started as I was walking down the steps into my church's basement. I don't remember anything being visibly different about it, except that it seemed to be larger in size. Anyway, in the center of the room there were many chairs set up in a circle for a meeting (I knew this). Sitting in those chairs were a great deal of the Sonic characters, as I remember seeing Sonic himself, as well as Amy in passing. I was immediately hopeful that Chaos Zero was there, so I looked around-- and sure enough, he was. Even better, there was an empty seat right next to him. I snuck around the circle so he wouldn't see me approaching (as he seemed to be in deep thought), but then sat down without a warning, saying "Hello, beautiful." He seemed a bit surprised at this, but replied "hey," and I asked him what the meeting was about. I don't remember the exact details, but I think Robotnik was planning something huge and the heroes were all getting together to try and stop it. Either way, at one point the group began getting up and discussing points amongst themselves, so Chaos and I ended up walking off ourselves as well. I asked him what he planned on doing, and he replied that 'maybe he could go Perfect' and get that right this time. I was immediately worried, and told him that that may not be the best option in itself. After all, Perfect Chaos could only be triggered by 1. all 7 Chaos Emeralds (which we did not have) or 2. extreme negative emotion, such as pain/hate/anger/etc. I explained that I didn't want to see him suffer, and anyway fighting something negative with something equally negative wouldn't make any progress at all. Chaos asked me what I thought we should do then, and I told him that instead of using pain to power his highest form, so to speak, maybe we should use love; that way we wouldn't have to worry about another 1998. I then offered to 'be' the love he needed. Chaos looked at me for a moment, then agreed.
I don't remember any actual fight going on, but the next thing I remember we were back in the church basement by the stairs, and Chaos was in his Perfect form. However, I was actually inside Perfect (where his Ruby should be), and I was glowing bright red. Chaos 'melted' back into his normal form as several other StH dudes ran over, but I stayed all glowy-red. In all actuality, I was glowing like that because I was actually focusing on and 'emitting' positive energy (mostly love of course). I remember Cream, Blaze and Sonic thanking Chaos and I and they were all visibly affected by it. I even focused on Cream's cute personality momentarily to send some extra joy her way. I wasn't paying too much attention to the conversation around me as a result, but I do remember Chaos telling Sonic that he 'owed it all to me,' before smiling at me. Right about then, Selph (the Demia) flew over to the stairs, and told Chaos & I that he was 'so thankful that we were finally together.' Apparently he had been hoping we would work together like we did.
There was a huge scene switch here, and the next thing I remember, I was watching some group of dudes driving down a highway, singing at the top of their lungs and laughing. They drove over this huge bridge at one point (seriously, this thing was massive) and actually parked on it, getting out to walk around and see the view. Right then, the car-gang actually turned into my family, and I joined them. We were walking along the edge of the bridge, looking down to the water which was far below it. I lowered myself over the edge so I was only holding on by my fingers, and shimmied across the length of the bridge this way instead of walking. My brothers found this highly amusing. However, once we reached the end of the bridge and I got back up on the road, there was no exit to another road-- the opposite 'wall' of the bridge had actually curved over into a sort of canopy, and was shielding a dark, locked door beneath it. I walked over and went in, and was surprised to see a room that looked almost exactly like my house's bathroom, except that the shower was almost cybernetic in appearance. I stepped into it and picked up a small metal triangle that was sitting on the shelf. On it was written "FROST*,' my favorite musical group, and I understood that if I scanned the 'code' on this object it would play the music that was contained on it. I found a red barcode scanner beneath the faucet in the tub, and as soon as I scanned it, what sounded like "Hyperventilate" began playing. Almost immediately, a woman walked up to me from a room where the other wall would be (if it were the actual bathroom in my house), and started explaining that the government had locked her there due to a misunderstanding of her psychological state or the like. Either way, she was very upset about it and insisted it had been a mixup.
The 'dream perspective' switched here, to show a doll walking along the floor beside the bathtub. Disturbingly enough, the doll was a perfect rendition of Laurie, and after watching it walk and mutter to itself, grinning, I realized that she WAS the doll. She then walked over to a small brown bear doll in the center of the floor. It had no visible eyes or details beside a huge, gaping maw of teeth. Laurie smiled at it before lifting it up by the neck, taking out her axe, and brutally cleaving the bears head in half. It did not bleed, and split as if it were made of plastic, showing the inside of the bear's mouth on each half as its head split. Shockingly enough it began to talk, angrily asking why Laurie had to 'do this again.' It then reached up and pushed the two halves of its head back together, as two beady red eyes appeared on its face. I forget what Laurie's explanation was, but it was apparent that she and the bear were working together for some important reason.
The scene switched again here, and I was now on my porch.
I was standing over by the windows, looking out at the beautiful weather outside, when I realized that Chaos Zero was also there with me, although he was over by the far wall (the one covered in windows). I began talking about the Perfect scenario from before, mentioning that I wished that Chaos didn't have to typically suffer such negative energy for it, as that only compounded his problems. I told him that 'only love can conquer hate,' and then walked over to stand in front of him. He said something to me, I forget what, but I think it was a 'thank you' not only for the help earlier, but also for standing by him and helping him when no one else had. Either way I felt that maybe I should leave and not be a nuisance, but nevertheless I asked Chaos how long wanted me to stay there with him. Chaos laughed once, almost disbelievingly, then replied 'for the rest of my entire life.' I was taken by surprise for a moment, then smiled and hugged him tightly, which he returned immediately.
After this I heard my mother calling me from inside the house to 'clean up what was on the table,' so I told Chaos to hold on one minute and walked over to the table by the front door. Sure enough, there was a huge pile of books and CDs on it, and I began nervously digging through it, as a great deal of the objects in it were not only mine but were severely damaged. I clearly remember finding several Celebi-related items in the pile as well. After taking out all that I could find that belonged to me, I asked my brother to help me carry it in, but he dropped it on the way up the steps. That whole item-finding/carrying scene is very unclear to me, though, for as soon as my brother dropped them, I woke up.

However, I then fell asleep again.

As soon as I opened my dream-eyes, there was a small group of people holding up a large amount of colorful spheres up to me and demanding that I 'sing.' I originally thought the spheres were 'onions,' as they were covered in a sort of concentric 'skin' that looked like thick plastic. They also appeared to be lit dimly from the inside. Some were pink, some were yellow, and some were white-- but the most striking thing about them is that most of them appeared to be rotting. The few that were being practically shoved into my face were almost entirely rotted, and looked positively horrid. Regardless, the people still kept shouting that I 'sing' for them, but I said nothing. At one point the man who was holding the onion-things thrust them towards my face so sharply I thought he was going to hit me, and I couldn't help but cry out a bit. Someone behind him laughed and commented that it was the 'closest thing to a song' they were probably going to get from me. I didn't know what to do, when suddenly a man kneeling by my brother's bed shouted that the 'stones' hadn't been hidden correctly. Everyone turned to face him, and the man lifted up the pillows to reveal several Pokemon stones underneath them, such as Water Stones and the like. The pillow nearest to him had nothing under it, though, and he began to panic, saying that his 'Koffing must have found the Fire Stone.' He started shouting how he didn't want it to evolve, and I spoke up that Koffings didn't evolve from stones, but he reached farther under the pillow and pulled out a Pikachu doll, except its eartips were bright red. He said that his Koffing had turned into that, and explained that all Pokemon could actually evolve with any Stone, but the evolutions were unstable, which is why he was trying to keep his Koffing away. However, no one could fathom how a Koffing could have turned into a doll. The crowd by my bed turned to me for an explanation, so I quickly said that maybe the Fire Stone had caused the Koffing to explode, and the 'particles' left over had turned into the doll due to the Stone. I then said it was a total shot in the dark and made little sense, but it was the quickest thing I could think of to explain such a weird predicament.
The next thing I knew, I was outside, as a Celebi. I was flying over a street in the suburbs somewhere, and stopped over a house with a beautifully vegetated yard, complete with tall trees and tons of flowers. There was a Gardevoir and a Kirlia standing by the house's steps, along with another Pokemon that looked similar to a Gardevoir, but had more pink and was much more 'elegant.' My brother Ranndall showed up out of the blue and asked me what it was, and I said it was a 'Gorgeovoir,' a very rare 4th stage Pokemon. The point of view changed here and I explained that the whole scene we were looking at was just a 'model,' and I pointed out that I needed a Ralts figure to complete it. I think Ranndall offered to get one, but either way he ran off and became lost. The scene then switched to a very large, high-ceilinged store. It was huge both in terms of stock and size; the place was almost the size of a mall in itself. Anyway, I was there looking for Ranndall, flying around and mumbling to myself about where he could have gone. At one point I flew into the toy section and was so scanning the shelves out of curiosity as well, when I noticed a Disney book on the end of one shelf. Bizarrely enough, it depicted all the Princesses, but they all had Power Jewel marks. I shouted 'What is this??' upon noticing, and quickly pulled the book off the shelf, flipping through it as people nearby watched in surprise (due to my exclamation, no doubt). One line that I noticed said that the Princesses had 'special crystals' or something of the like, but I was too infuriated to keep reading. I set the book down, flew back into the air, and began singing about how I was going to 'sue Disney' for stealing everyone's ideas, especially because I had apparently made it known that I held legal rights for Jewel Monsters and their concepts. People in the aisles were watching me in confusion as I angrily flew by, still singing about my plans, when I reached the center of the store. There were cash registers below me and the aisles were all around me in a square, leading to this spot. I looked down and noticed Ranndall was there, and was about to ask him why he had ran off when a sickeningly familiar black shape flew in to face me... a light-eater. Yes, one of those dementor-esque beings I've dreamed of in the past. Upon seeing it, I froze in terror, and those within view began to shout and panic as well. Ranndall asked if it was indeed a Dementor, to which I exclaimed 'No, these are much more dangerous!' before screaming for everyone to get the heck out of the store ASAP. Hysteria broke out now, as several more light-eaters began pouring into the store. I focused my positive energy and attacked the one nearest me before flying straight up into the sky as fast as I could (apparently there was no ceiling). I remember seeing a few light-eaters flying in through the clouds towards the store, and worried if they could see me, but I continued flying up until there was nothing but blue sky above me. I forget if I was trying to call someone for help or what, but before I could do anything else, a light-eater came out of the clouds and saw me. Panicking, I immediately dropped like a bullet straight back down to the store, where the place was now swarming with screaming customers and light-eaters. Disturbingly enough, unlike 'eating the light' as I've seen them do in the past, these light-eaters were possessing people. Once they targeted a victim, they flew straight at them with deadly speed and disappeared into their chest. This would cause an immediate change in the individual, leaving them apathetic, cold, and yet paradoxically distraught, almost deranged (mentally, it would seem). A few individuals had grouped in a U-shaped aisle, and were frantically discussing what was happening to those possessed, and how they could avoid it. No one could figure out a working escape or defense tactic, though, and the discussion quickly turned to what they perceived the effect of the light-eaters to be. Suggestions included madness, cruelty, fear, and the like, until one older man solemnly stated, 'no... it's emptiness.' An almost palpable dread hit everyone within earshot, and they all began to run, albeit in a strangely slow manner, some starting to cry.
At this point I was aware of one woman who was running through the more panicked crowd, as she apparently knew where one of the exits was but was selfishly not letting anyone else know. The light-eaters were beginning to thin out (I guess most had already possessed people), and she wanted out before any more showed up and made things impossible. She reached a door on the far wall, and quickly snuck in before closing it (and locking it?) behind her. Surprisingly enough, it was a restroom, but there were no sinks and at the opposite wall there was indeed an exit door. The woman ran towards it but at the last second suddenly turned and bolted into the last stall, pulling the door tightly shut and tightly clamping her hands over her ears. Almost immediately there was an awful tremor in the building, and without warning, a huge wave of light-eaters slammed through the exit door (without opening it), causing the entire building to shake as if an earthquake had hit. There were so many of them it was impossible to count, and they were frighteningly fast. Once the last of them was through, the woman slowly got up, now sobbing uncontrollably, and ran through the still-closed exit.
The scene switched now, and I was in my house, frantically looking for something to fight or block the light-eaters with. I remembered this aquamarine cross I had in my room, and figured that was worth a shot, so I got out some masking tape with the intent of taping it to our door. However, I couldn't get the tape to work for the life of me, and eventually just figured I'd work with it and ran into my grandmother's room (my room). She was lying in bed, awake, and I began looking for the cross. I couldn't find it, though, and asked her if she had seen it. She said she hadn't touched anything, so I worriedly began looking for something else. I found a purple cross on the dresser and figured that would work, so I grabbed that one and taped it to her door so she'd be safe. I ran back out into the hallway and began talking worriedly to myself about what I could possibly do next, before noticing a large group of light-eaters coming down the hall. I continued to attack them with light energy, which effectively chased them off, when I suddenly stopped, thinking. 'There has to be a way to stop this and save everyone,' I said to myself. 'All Jewel Monsters are good at heart.' Apparently the light-eaters were indeed Jewel Monsters according to my knowledge (heaven only knows what species though). Little did I know, there was a light-eater within earshot, and upon hearing that I didn't think they were inherently evil, it actually stopped and appeared to sadly think to itself.
I have no idea what happened after that, though, as I woke up.

Needless to say, the light-eaters are now listed in the 5th Generation J-Monster book... and their Vice? Emptiness.

 

 

 

 

I first remember being on the porch of my house. Vezerai was there, surrounded by police officers who were trying to hold him back. I asked them what in the world was going on, and they said that Vez had just killed several people. I was shocked, as Vezerai isn't that kind of guy, but when I tried to ask him if that was true, he didn't reply. He was hyperventilating, staring at nothing, and apparently panicking. I think he was starting to sob from hysteria as well. I became very nervous as I had no idea what was happening, and then the scene switched.
I then found myself in my church's basement, except there were no pillars, and the walls were lined with metal prison doors, like in The Green Mile. The entire center of the room was still empty, though, and the wall behind me had had small windows near the ceiling that lead outside: the only source of light in the room.
For some unknown reason, there were several people in the room with me, all dressed in black and looking very worried. In the center of the room was a Banette. The people with me said they were trying to 'catch it' or something, but apparently not in the traditional 'throw a Pokeball and mash the B button' way-- they had set up an elaborate plan to trick the Banette into feeling 'safe' and then jump on it when it would least likely attack them. I honestly had no idea what they were doing. However, I was apparently caught up in their plan regardless. First, they all climbed up on the high windowsills (bringing me along) and one guy handed me a yellow and black ball. He told me to throw it at the Banette for a distraction first. I tried to protest but he wouldn't let me, so I cautiously threw it. However, the ball bounced and came right back at me, so the Banette turned and saw us, completely ruining the plan. Everyone froze and seemed terrified, but I noticed that the ghost monster was staring directly at me alone. He didn't even look angry, just surprised and suspicious. Anyway, he eventually turned around and the black-clad gang rushed to set up something else. Whatever they did, they soon set up a pink 'fort' of sorts and put a large 'doll' in the middle of the room. We all hid behind the fort and waited for the Banette to walk over to the doll, which he soon did. I had a very limited view (I was trying to look over the shoulders of the other guys) but from what I could tell, the Banette was treating the doll like a 'date' of sorts, fawning over it and doing all these amusingly cliched routines. Suddenly, however, he stopped dead and turned to face us, looking completely serious. He then asked, specifically, if I was watching (he referred to me by name). No one said a word, but a few people looked at me in shock. The Banette repeated his question, now sounding angry, but still no answer. He then moved away from the doll in an almost aggressive fashion, and several of the black-outfits jumped up and quickly moved to 'contain' him, almost like a police force trying to suppress a criminal.
There was a small plot-break hiatus here, in which I was suddenly handed a burgundy-colored envelope that was allegedly a letter from Ravda. She was talking about her time in England and all, but I don't remember any of it, because I was called away halfway through reading it.
On the far right side of the room was a small set of stairs that led up into another long hallway of cells. There was a girl standing on the stairs who looked almost like LordBlumiere, and she was the one who had called me. I walked over to her and asked what she needed, but she stared at me gravely and, almost secretively, said that I only had a few minutes to 'talk to him' if I wanted to. She meant the Banette, who was at the moment nowhere to be seen (neither were the people in black). The girl then told me the Banette was in "cell 10," which was only a few steps behind me-- the first cell on the far wall. I walked over and knelt down in front of the bars, and saw the Banette standing across the cell, about to walk into what looked like a small closet. He looked extremely troubled. Not wanting him to think I was a threat like the other guys, I called out 'hey' as compassionately as I could, and actually blew him a kiss. He turned around, noticed me, and walked over. As soon as he was standing in front of me (I was at his eye level), he asked me (in clear English) why I was there, more surprised than upset. I told him that I was just wondering if he was okay, as I was worried about him. The Banette seemed even more surprised at this fact, and I think a small conversation started from it, centered around what his situation was and if I could help him or not. Either way, he was visibly pained the entire time, and at one point suddenly stopped and held out a small container of silver glitter through the bars. I was baffled and asked him what it was, but he just said to put it on my eyes to make it 'look like I was crying.' He then showed me what he meant, taking some of it on his claw and marking his left eye with it. Deciding to go with it, I did the same with my right eye, asking him why he wanted me to do this. He paused, then said that it was so I would be used to crying when the 'glimmering stopped' and he had to die (I remember his voice breaking on the 'glimmering;' he fumbled over the word). I was shocked at his reply and looked at him, only to notice that he was literally crying. I understood that his name was Gleam (from his previous statement, I suppose) and quickly asked him what he meant about dying. He clarified that he was scheduled to be executed. Terrified, I asked how that was even possible, when suddenly a brown-haired girl with glasses (she looked about 14) walked up to me and opened the cage, bringing me inside. She said she had to feed Gleam so he wouldn't starve and wanted me to help. She then started concocting this odd thing with apples and sprinkles (maybe even some icing; I have no idea what it was but it looked like a sugar bomb), which Gleam seemed ecstatic about. The girl was talking normally to me the whole time, and seeing her and my Banette buddy smiling made me temporarily forget the situation-- which was bad. As soon as she finished making the sugar-apple-thing, she led me out and locked the cell, a few of the black-coated guys from before walking up to meet her. I came to my senses and asked me what the heck she did that for, as I would have rather kept Gleam company. The girl, now acting a bit haughty, told me that he was far too dangerous and so no one was allowed in there for fear of him 'killing them.' As we had both just been in the cell with Gleam for several minutes, I angrily pointed out her faulty logic and demanded she explain just what the heck was going on. Avoiding the direct question, though, she instead clarified that Gleam had taken a serious liking to me, and I was the only person he would even allow near him. I began to worry that they were trying to use me to hurt him, and not wanting that to happen, asked her what 'they' were planning. However, she only stated that Gleam was scheduled to be executed at midnight the following day, and turned to leave. I shouted 'what could he have possibly done to deserve execution?' but she didn't acknowledge me and left through another door on the far left of the room. I was now very upset, and knelt back down by Gleam's cell. He was already standing there, though, and when I turned back to face him he reached one of his hands through the bars. I tried to reach out and take it but the bars were too close together. This made me terribly sad, and I suddenly wanted nothing more than to be in that cell to protect Gleam from the other people there, but that's when I suddenly woke up.

I sincerely hope he's okay.      

 

Aegisshipping fanfic notes.


~Oracion~
(rough)

I followed her home that night.
It was one of the few things I had never dared attempt before… had never risked such a chance, but had always dreamed of it. Had always hoped for it.
It was a modest house, small but lovely, not too far from the garden itself. It surprised me how I had never known.
Small… two floors, a few balconies, flowers. It was typical of the city, but to me it was truly unique. To me it was truly special, as I knew who lived there. I was lucky enough.
The hour was late. I glanced up at the Space-Time towers, trying not to remember what had happened there almost a year ago. It was a few minutes after 9PM…
Slowly, silently, I faded into the shadows of the street, effortlessly gliding through the dark. I was invisible then, still hoping desperately that I would not be seen. I couldn’t understand why I was so nervous, even as I found the window I had been searching for. I quietly slipped through and materialized against the near wall, hoping I wouldn’t disturb her sleep.
Alice.
For years I had mistaken her as her grandmother. Alicia, her name had been. It wasn’t until that fateful day last year that I learned who she really was.
It didn’t change anything.
A few minutes passed then, as I did nothing but watch. The young woman did not awaken, did not seem to be suffering any nightmares. I was glad to see that, I realized as I took a cautious step closer. I didn’t want to cause her any pain.
Cautiously, with that thought in mind, I reached forward with a single shadowy hand, finally resting it softly on her head. I closed my icy eyes then, and hoped that for once in my life, I could cause a good dream…


“Tonio, hurry up! You’re going to get lost!” I laughed.
Of course, I knew that wasn’t true, as we had been playing together in this garden since we were children… but the weather was beautiful, I was happy, and I couldn’t help but tease him.
I laughed once more as I turned the corner and entered my favorite area of the garden: the large pond where so many strange events had been triggered, almost a year ago. I slowed down to gaze into its azure depths, the mirrored surface reflecting the clear sky back to me with a wink. I laughed again, indulging in life’s simple pleasures. “Tonio, have you ever seen such a beautiful day?” I sighed happily, lost in the glittering waters.
The silence caught me by surprise. “Tonio?” I began worriedly, and turned around to greet only empty air. “Tonio, where are you?”
I felt the first shiver of panic run down my spine as I ran to the other side of the clearing. He had been here just a second ago… could he have really gotten lost? Considering this, I was about to run back into the wooded area to search for him when I felt something strange. My nervousness spiking, I whirled around once more and noticed the dark creature where I had been only moments before. I recognized him at once.
“…Darkrai?” I began in disbelief, but my nerves had already begun to relax. Darkrai was a close friend of mine, after all. I had no reason to fear.
“Darkrai, have you seen Tonio?” I ventured, hoping my old friend could give me an answer, but once again my only reply was silence. Had he heard me?
“…Darkrai?” I tried again, when I suddenly heard him sob.
Shocked and now more worried than before, I quickly ran over to the nightmare monster’s side. Had I done something wrong? Was it something I said? My mind was racing, but Darkrai didn’t even open his eyes. I would have thought he was ignoring me if I didn’t feel so strange then. I tried once more.
“Darkrai… are you all right?”
“…No.”
I jumped slightly, not just at his immediate answer but because I didn’t expect so much pain in his voice. My expression softened in concern, and I took another step towards him, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. He was shaking slightly. “Darkra—”
I gasped in surprise as his shadowy arms suddenly pulled me close—too close, I realized almost immediately. It felt as if he was holding on to me for dear life, as if he feared I would fade away if he let me go in the slightest. I noticed what the shaking was, too… he was crying. Silently, sure, but there was nonetheless a terrible sorrow emanating from him as he held me close. Unsure what else to do, I slowly put my arms around his shadowy form as well, as his embrace tightened a little more.
I was completely confused and worried at the same time… Darkrai had never acted like this before. I could help but wonder why—
My heart skipped a beat as he suddenly let go, gently pulling me away to stand facing him once more. A single tear fell from his star-blue eyes, something I had never seen before, but held me transfixed. I couldn’t possibly break away from those pained eyes, even as I suddenly felt his black claws move from my shoulders to my face, softer than I could have imagined.
“Alice…” he began quietly, as I helplessly felt tears well up in my own eyes.
“…You’re my Oracion.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~masquerade notes~

“Kaze ni Notte”

(music playing)
(Alice & Tonio are dancing & laughing)
(person at microphone) “All right, everyone, time to switch partners!”
Tonio: I’ll see you, Alice!
Alice: See you, Tonio!
(almost immediately a black-gloved hand takes Alice’s)
Alice: Oh… hi… *surprised*
???: *smiling* Hey. What’s your name?
Alice: Alice—oh!
???: *has just done that dance move where you both move backwards while holding one hand* I’m Derek. Derek Nox. *pulls her close into a waltz position*
Alice: *laughing* It’s a pleasure to meet you, Derek.
Derek: No, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Alice. I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl as beautiful as you… and I’ve been dancing here all night! *laughs*
Alice: *also laughing lightheartedly* Oh, I’m sure you say that to every girl you meet, Derek.
Derek: *looking away slightly* No… I don’t. *turns back to Alice, his expression is very sincere but sad*
Alice: … *flattered but unsure how to react*
(Just now, Alberto dances by them with a human-disguised Cresselia; she’s laughing and having a good time while he’s struggling to keep up)
Derek: …Alice?
Alice: Yes?
Derek: Would you mind… meeting me after the dance? *quickly* Just after this song is over—by the windows, overlooking the town. Would you mind?
Alice: Oh, no, I wouldn’t mind.
Derek: *smiles* Thank you, Alice.
(announcer again) All right, everyone! Let’s switch partners one more time!
Derek: I guess I’ll be seeing you, then?
Alice: Uh-huh. It was nice meeting you, Derek.
Derek: I’m glad I met you, too, Alice.
(He gently swings her over to the right and lets go of her hands—as soon as he does, the music stops.)
Alice: … (Looks strangely lost as Tonio takes her hand again and they go back to dancing)

“
--garden scene—rough notes.
(this is later on in the scene.)

Derek: *sighs, looks down noticeably, looks very distressed* Alice, I’ve missed you so much…
Alice: *slight laugh, but unsurely* But—Derek, you just saw me last night. *after a slight vocal catch* We just met last night!
Derek: *shakes head vehemently, continues quickly* No, Alice, you don’t understand—!
Alice: *is silent, a little concerned but very curious*
Derek: *after a heavy pause* I’ve… seen you around before. I live in this city, too, of course… and we’ve actually crossed paths several times, whether you remember those times or not. *visibly upset now* I’ve always been watching you from afar, Alice. You’re one of the most kind, amazing people I’ve ever had the honor to know, but never personally. I’ve always dreamed of being able to meet you like this, just to tell you how much I admire you, and how much you’ve grown to mean to me. *sighs again, but very sadly* I’m sorry if this seems sudden to you…
Alice: *quickly, apparently she’s sympathetic* No, Derek, I’m the one who should be sorry! I had… no idea. I wish I had known; maybe I could have—
Derek: *cuts her off* It’s all right. I just… have one question for you, Alice.
Alice: *softly, it’s apparent she’s beginning to open up to him* Yes?
Derek: *visibly very nervous* It’s… actually about the garden we’re in… have you ever heard of a Pokemon named Darkrai? I’ve heard so many people talking about it, and I’ve been wondering if you know anything about—
Alice: *cuts him off now* Oh no, he’s not anything like what they say! I… I’ve actually met him before, and—
Derek: You have?
Alice: *nods* Yes, several times. He’s not evil like everyone seems to think… he’s actually… he saved my life when I was a little girl. *smiles, laughing* He saved my life again just last year, too!
Derek: Really?
Alice: Yeah… *nostalgic smile* I’m glad I got to know him.
Derek: It sounds like he cares about you.
Alice: *seems slightly surprised, then seems to ponder this* He might… *straightens up* Well, I care about him. He’s a good friend of mine, and I don’t want to see anything bad happening to him… so if you ever hear anyone speaking ill of him again, you let them know the truth, all right?
Derek: Do… do you really mean that?
Alice: *slightly indignant* Of course I do! Why wouldn’t I?
Derek: *closes eyes tightly, apparently fighting off tears, then looks down again* Alice…
Alice: *softening immediately, worried* Yes, Derek?
Derek: … *reaches up with his right hand, runs it through his hair from the back and, in doing so, pulls a fair amount down over his right eye*
Derek: …If he ever told you that he loved you… *looks up at her, openly crying now, right hand still in his hair* …Do you think you could try and love him back?
Alice: *the sudden resemblance strikes her immediately, obviously shocked, but her expression isn’t harsh—it’s understanding* Darkrai?

 

 

 

 

 

Very, very quick update as it's one minute to-- oh, never mind. It's 4AM.

Anyway, how have you been?
I know I said I was starting over back in October... well, I did. Yes, I actually followed through immediately for once!
It took a lot of work, a lot of experimentation, far too many risks, far too many battles, and far too much pain, but... I've begun to find my happiness again.
Little things, right now, but they're helping.


Now about the title... my Jirachi plushie is sitting to my left so I decided to put her nickname up there.
You know... "The wishing star of seven nights." It just struck me as very inspirational all of a sudden.

I think about that, too, and I wonder.
If I had a wish... three wishes, maybe, or just one... what in the world would I wish for?
Realistically, you know. It's like the Genie from Aladdin said: "I can't kill anyone, I can't make anyone fall in love with you, and I can't bring anyone back from the dead!" Limits, you know.
But is that all?
I don't think it's possible, at all, to have world peace or end world hunger or do anything huge like that through a wish, no matter how badly I may want it. You'd be manipulating too much, changing too much at once. It's impossible.
Same with salvation and stuff like that... you can't wish for it, only work for it!
So what would I wish for, that I really need?
I mean, I can think of things that I want, but can't we all?
What do I really need?


I'm not too sure, actually.
I could wish for peace in my family... for my mother to finally have a house, for my aunt to stop suing us.
I could wish for my father to stop drinking and smoking, to get back on track with his life... I could wish for my family to stop hating him.
I could wish for my grandparents to have good health for years to come. No cancer... no heart attacks...
I could wish for my brothers to grow up without experiencing what I had to experience. I could wish for them to get great jobs and careers and marriages and so they never have headvoices like I do.
I could wish for my friends to find peace and happiness, too. I'm not too sure what I could say for Ben, but I could wish for Jim to recover from his painful past... I could wish for Q to finally find someone that fits him, that he can have a life with... I could wish for Vickie to find happiness.
I could wish for Julie to go away forever.
I could wish for enough money for college, for surgery, to pay the bills.
I could wish for so much... but what do I really need?


The truth is, I don't know.


And that is why I think that, if I ever had a wish, I'd probably wish for it to be given to someone else... someone wiser, someone who had better insight and foresight and hindsight, who knew what they were doing and weren't bloody-eye blind like I am, crazy white irises and all. Can't see a damn thing anymore with all these tears and hallucinations. I wonder how Justice does it.

But yes. I honestly don't know what I'd do.


Well... maybe I'd wish for a little more self-worth, so I stop thinking I don't deserve anything at all.

But I think I'd be happier going it alone, you know... running like always.
Life's an adventure. I can't stop, I can't cheat, I refuse to take the easy way out.
I make it hard on myself, but I like it this way.


Maybe I'd wish that I never lose faith.
I want to be able to keep running... to keep trying, to keep hoping and dreaming and inspiring... and wishing.
I want to never lose sight of where I ultimately want to be.


Is that selfish?
Could I do better with a wish?

Solomon wished for wisdom, and I could really use that, too.
I want to be just, I want to be fair, I want to live better for the sake of others...



But I don't know. Today's world is so crazy, I... could I do something for them directly, or... I don't know.



Geez.



Jirachi, dear, go give someone else a wish.






When daytime turns to night,
When the moon shines bright,
When you're tucked in tight,
And everything's alright

Slip softly to that place,
Where secrets thoughts run free,
And there come face to face,
With who you want to be!

So, swim across the ocean blue;
Fly a rocket to the moon!
You can change your life
Or you can change the world!
Take a chance, life is yours to live!

Make a wish!
It's up to you!
Find the strength inside, and watch your dreams come true!
You don't need a shooting star.
The magic's right there in your heart!
Close your eyes
Believe...and make a wish!

 

 

Good heavens, it's early.

Anyway, quick update.

I'm a bit paranoid about being 'labeled' on the Internet. I go by a default username on virtually every website I visit, and I need someplace to go where I can just be 'me,' away from expectations and wary eyes.
Seriously, I don't like being stereotyped. Not cool, man.

So I'm trying to go back to being Celebi.
Yes, you heard me. I was happy and healthy back then, two things which I am not very much of now.
So... I'm trying to get all that back. I hope I do!




Oh wait, by the way-- I forgot to tell you guys!

I decided to splurge a little bit for Christmas.
I don't want much as usual, but I figured "hey, I've been in a major depression since last Christmas-- why don't I actually get myself something this year?"

Well...
If I win, I'm getting a 15" Darkrai plushie for Christmas.

*points to Entei icon*
Exactly.

Be happy... IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WISH *shot*


I'm going to get Darkrai in the mail and I am going to hug him and my Celebi and my Jirachi until I feel better. It will work.

Coincidentally, I think I'm buying him from the same bidder I got Jirachi from! Awesome!
I got Celebi for my 13th birthday, straight from Pokemoncenter.com. I love her so much. *hugs*


Oh, and it's highly amusing whenever I log out of eBay, now.
It throws all these banners at me screaming "DON'T LET THESE GET AWAY!" and every single item shown is a Darkrai plushie.
I see what you did there.
DON'T GUILT-TRIP ME INTO BUYING ALL OF THEM DARN YOU.


Have a good night, kids. It's 2 freaking AM over here.


--------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 03:43 pm

Looks like I'm going to have to put some more money in the Paypal.

Seriously, thanks to this lovely Pokemon high I'm on, my nigh-obsessive love for Celebi has hit a fever pitch again.
Dear heavens, but I really do adore her. I can honestly consider her a muse!

I first discovered her in January/February 2001, on poke2.com (my second home, practically). Originally, though, I actually disliked her! Why? Because her Japanese name, Serebii, was quite similar to one of my Jewel Monsters' names!
I got over that initial dislike very fast, though, and immediately wrote Celebi into the Pokemon/Dream World crossover comic I was drawing at the time. It snowballed from then on.
For my thirteenth birthday, I had a Celebi cake, and for presents I got a small PVC figure of her (which I never opened), a glow-in-the-dark figure of her (which is on my bedside dresser to this day), and a 12'' plushie of her (which I am hugging right now).
I drew her constantly, more than any other Pokemon... I have over 70 pictures of her (yes I counted). I used her name as my screenname, I considered her my 'alternate persona' to an extent.
However, the one thing I wanted the most at that time was a card of her!

I finally bought my first Celebi card about 2 years ago-- a Japanese version of this Neo Revelation release.
I also have a promo Celebi ex, but that's it.

My demented little dream is to one day own every single Celebi card ever produced.
No I'm not kidding.
I can have crazy little dreams too.

Besides, I owe her that much.

On eBay right now, someone is selling the newer Pokepark promo, the holo movie promo from the beautiful Darkrai movie set, and the Space World promo that is quite hard to find. (EDIT:: Got 'em both!)
That's why I need to put money in the bank ASAP-- I don't know when I'll get the chance to snag those again, if ever.

I want this card more than any other, though. You can guess why.
First person I see selling it for a reasonable price, I am jumping on it. No exceptions.
(EDIT:: Got her. ♥)


Hm.. you know, besides Celebi, my top favorite Pokemon are Mewtwo, Mew, and Jirachi. All legendaries, haha!
I don't like him for their "superpower" status, though. No, I love 'em all for deeply personal reasons, like the Celebi story I just told you.

For Mewtwo, I have two Mewtwo movie promos, the Rocket's Mewtwo card, and the Mewtwo holo from the original set.
For Mew, I have the Ancient Mew card, the original Mew promo, the non-holo Mew ex, two more promo Mews, the Legend Maker holo and another Holo from Skyridge, I think.
Lastly, for Jirachi, I have the movie promo, the Deoxys holo, and the Jirachi ex (which I got in a pack-- I almost died when I saw her!)

I bought most of those, with about three recieved by trades and the others being promo giveaways.
But yeah... Celebi is a rare little bugger! *hugs her again* You crazyhead you.
I'd like to buy those cards on eBay today, but my Darkrai doll doesn't end bidding until Monday so I have to wait. Oh well.


...I need to make a Celebi mood theme for this journal.
But, I have to go out and shovel snow first! See you!