Dude we are reviewing old entries and I am going to CRY apparently the Pokemon closest to our current height and weight is AEGISLASH.

(at my ideal weight I'm apparently a Skarmory, which I find amusingly fitting because I vibe hard with metal but I still want to fly-- and I have to say that dang Skarmory is actually kind of gorgeous? NICE. I never appreciated their beautiful head shape & sharp teeth before. Well NOW I DO)

But... this is aching so much because I don't know if it was ever said outright in the Archives but the Jay who was alive in 2013 before the massacre was in love with his Aegislash. Toshinsei was his name.
We... don't know what happened to him, or any of Jay's Pokemon, after the massacre. That just destroyed the entire timeline. Apparently Jewel took over playing Y version but we have no data whatsoever on that? And then we apparently lost the cartridge in CNC so we'll never get that data back. Which is heartbreaking.

...You know what, we really need to talk about the fact that we get legit attracted to Pokemon WAY too often. Has anyone actually discussed that before?
I'll start by saying that we are absolutely "kin" with Mewtwo and have been since literally 1999. I don't think we've ever brought that up online. We were absolutely "kin" with Celebi around 2000-2002, but that got all tangled up with the D.I.D. and the Irispherae and we ended up with several Celebis, haha. So debatably, the "kintype" wasn't actually that, we just have a Celebi introject. Totally different thing!
HOWEVER. We have briefly mentioned Skittygirl before-- in that entry linked at the beginning and significantly in this brutal traumasink-- but that whole phenomenon felt almost "third person?" There was never any personal interaction. Headspace didn't exist yet; there was only Heartspace and Skittygirl wasn't in it; it never even occurred to Jewel that she could be talked to, theoretically. But whoever fronted back then-- and that girl is STILL around; we wonder if it's Jacinth?? or someone related to her?-- did have "feelings" for her. That brutal entry describes all we know of it, and we hesitate to label it. Was it "attraction?" Does that word even apply to us? All we know is that there was affection, and the REAL possibility that if we hadn't been locked in the closet back then, and if Jewel had put out her Linkstrings in Skittygirl's direction, who knows if she wouldn't have become an Inspacer, and eventually a girlfriend? Who knows if that might even happen now, if that foni pursues the possibility over two decades later? But the point for this entry is that there was something, and it was in both a queer context and a Pokemon context.
The next bit is interesting too, actually. At that time in our life (~2003), we were convinced that our Core would "always" kintype with the Legendary of that generation-- which was really jumping the gun, because there were only three generations at the time, and when Pearl was released and we had zero resonance with Manaphy or Shaymin we were thrown off so hard (but oh man wait until the future kiddos)-- and Jirachi was actually NOT an exception. The problem came when the movie was released, and we had NO resonance with that Jirachi, and their role in the narrative of the humans. No, our Jirachi was only in the games, and OUR Jirachi was BLUE with stars for eyes. However. This is the cool and weird bit. We LOST OUR SELF-IMAGE AROUND THIS TIME. Trauma was beginning and the gender dysphoria hit us like an airbus to the face, and we just stopped drawing ourself for YEARS. This screwed up a LOT of things, notably the entire Jewel bloodline, but that's a topic for another time. The point for today is that, because of this identity shattering, we didn't "kin" Jirachi. She was instead IMMEDIATELY written into the Moralimon story as her own person, but we were nowhere to be found. So she's a weird case. Deep down I can feel that someone wants to love her, and might have if life hadn't been so broken back then. I know jx7 was still very fond of her too. So we'll see what happens here.
NEVERTHELESS, I must mention that in the future, aka now, SOMEONE actually DOES kin Shaymin's Sky Form (it reminds us of Klonoa, apparently)?? AND someone ELSE actually DOES have "feelings" for... Deoxys.
Listen I have suspected this for YEARS and it's legit. I have no idea who is crushing on the space virus but I can't deny that there is someone.
(There are a lot of Pokemon friendships from Ruby BTW. Groudon (Aranodor) & Rayquaza (Shendu) were dear buddies; Latias was also a dear friend & we even saw her in dreams; our whole team was so beloved to us-- Fireball & Brilnimien & Dolenanca & Morgoth & the gang-- that game meant so much to us.)
As for Pearl version, that too changed over the years. We are really close to "kintyping" Mesprit, actually; I can feel it even now. Palkia (Aramenel) was on our team so he's a buddy, and so was a Froslass (Miringiel)-- which I mention because they are gorgeous but there's no "attraction" LIKE WE HAVE FOR DARKRAI. All caps because good Lord that species is beloved to us. We had Heartbreak on our team but then jx7 bought a plushie and Jay named him Ventrium and we... I don't think we realized how much we actually loved him until he died.
...We hadn't known him for very long, I remember. His self-awareness, his very consciousness, was so fragile. It was so new, something we call the "velveteen rabbit phenomenon," when a potential plush anchor is loved so much it effectively becomes ensouled. This happened ALL THE TIME when we were a small child-- where do you think most of our "imaginary friends" and many League "characters" came from? BELOVED TOYS. We "knew" that love made things come to life. We just never expected that to happen as an adult. But in retrospect it makes total sense. If we had met Ventrium in-game, he would already be. This was just a different process for the same outcome, as it were. We already loved the species. We just hadn't had the opportunity to love an individual of it AS their own person, until suddenly we had this plush, and... well, one day we knew. There's a feeling you get; it's unmistakable-- when suddenly someone is there, you know.
Deep down we miss him still. It's a strange feeling, because as I said, we didn't get to know him and couldn't because he hadn't been given the chance to grow into himself as a person. Trauma and hackers stole that from him. But... hope and love don't die, and they fight hard. They won't stop searching for him. One day I know he'll be given a different door-- not a game, not a plush, but perhaps simply a form in Heartspace, or in the League. However and whenever it would happen, he could come back to us that way, and finally live. We feel threads of promise for that even now. But our heart has to be ready for it too, or it won't be "allowed" to happen. It's a way of protecting that hope from further trauma. If there's still too much danger, the potential will be put on hold, until there's safety enough to protect and preserve them. But honestly? I think that can't happen UNLESS THE JEWELS ENSURE IT. There's too much headspace bleedover into heartspace, it feels like. It's causing too much risk. The only "safe place" for ANY Pokemon to manifest is in the care OF a Jewel, and if we can't play the games anymore, then she'll have to dream them a life. But it's the only way to give them a solid foundation free of the terror that haunts our head. How ironic, as Ventrium's species deals with nightmares... but perhaps that will be the door that ultimately brings him back up to us in the end, when he's ready. No sooner, no later. We won't lose him again.

Gleam is... I really think we're in love with him, too. He's our dream-Banette, our "favorite non-Legendary species" someone says (and I think that's legit). The Jewels have always loved nonhuman puppets/ jesters for some reason, and Hoseki WAS "The Shuppetmaster," famously so. So Banettes have always been beloved to us almost by default.
...

ANOTHER Pokemon that's part-kintype part-inspacer part-girlfriend is VIXIE. aka VICTINI. Jay had such a crush on her when her species was revealed BUT then she showed up in headspace and now she actually fronts.
SO DOES HOOPA! Gosh we love him but that's all queerplatonic! Still it's strong; he is a truly dear friend. We miss him lots but we know he hasn't left.

Galadia is a special case. We're NOT SURE who loved her-- and yes, loved her. There was definitely something there, judging by her Spotify playlist description alone. The problem is, Galadia showed up during the "omelet hell summer" right before UMPC #2, when we were mourning our grandmother so hard that every day we were driving to a diner that had her name and order an omelet because that's what we ate in CNC when we couldn't be with her. We were a mental disaster at that time, BUT Scarlet & Violet were due to release in November (ironically, right around the time we were discharged from the hospital), and so during that gutwrenching 5-month interim between grandma's death and another inpatient stint, whoever the heck was fronting was clinging to Pokemon as a lifeline. It was the only thing she could find that held hope, something conceptually tied to childhood innocence and now a family & home life that we could never return to, and of which the very memories were quickly being burned out by traumatic grief. I assume we were still hyperreligious, but Tilly couldn't stick around in our new state of perpetual mourning, and so someone else showed up to carry the crushing weight of that-- someone disturbingly like Jacinth. I don't know why our most trauma-battered somafoni are all young femme lesbians. That probably says a lot about our childhood that we haven't thought about.
Nevertheless, this girl was browsing Tumblr on our phone one night and suddenly, there was fanart of a Sneasler (specifically either this or this one; it was by that artist). We had never seen the species before, and immediately our girl was attracted to her. Aesthetically, sure, but also in that unique way these sad girls feel-- something almost dependent, something desperate, looking for someone they can lose themselves in and give themselves to so they don't have to exist as their own person. They did that with Celebi, and they wanted to do that with this Sneasler girl now-- who eventually was given the Outspacer name "Galadia," from Latin gladius I assume.
...
...The problem? Sneasler biology is scary, because they have wider hips than shoulders. Even official art of them gives them a very pear-shaped silhouette and that is TERRIFYING to us. Plus, something about the "star" mark on their face registers wrong and disturbs us, as does the roundness of their head shape. Weirdly, this person's art is totally fine in terms of shape AND marking. That's fascinating and I want to figure out exactly WHY. My kneejerk thought is that it's a better shoulder-hip ratio, and her abdomen ISN'T ROUND. That is a huge distinction actually.
...
Oh THIS one is MUCH better, but it doesn't feel like Galadia at ALL. It's just a "safe" bodyshape. .
...
THIS = left is unsafe. Right is safe. Notice the hips and the face shape.
THIS = oddly safe?? Something about the proportions
THIS = UNSAFE. Notable in light of previous; this one is thinner BUT more FEMININE as a result?? Plus the "thick arms" are very unsettling.
THIS = left is safe, right is unsafe. Notice the INVERSE leg widths, and hand/foot sizes.
THIS = fascinating because left is UNSAFE, and right is safe. The "baggy pants" look is bottom-heavy and that's FRIGHTENING. So are the "tapering" limbs, from thick to small. In contrast, the Lopunny has BIGGER hands than shoulders, BUT the hips are safe because the legs taper?? It's something with proportion ratios. ...Plus that's a very Infi silhouette. That's notable.
I apologize if that seems off-topic but it's not. "Attraction" and "safety" are VERY convoluted to us and we've never fully explored it because it's so frightening. So to notice immediate alarm bells or shocking lack thereof with this, I had to write it down, because it is DIRECTLY AFFECTING Outspacer potential!
...Honestly, I don't think Galadia will be allowed to return AS a Sneasler. There's too much fear there. We can't even look at the species without triggering legit panic symptoms. So she would have to anchor into the League instead, probably, unless she-- like Celebi and Jirachi-- get their own "look" UNIQUE to Heartspace for their species that IS safe. We'll see. We need to try to draw her then, for that to happen.



We're STILL trying to figure out what was going on with Chalyx & Calyrex BEFORE that (2021). There's definitely a strong fondness there, but it seems to be notably "queerplatonic." There's no attraction or romance, but there is a strong love nevertheless, and that's awesome to recognize. We just have no idea where Chalyx went and since we never played Sword/Shield, we have no actual interaction with Calyrex otherwise.

We ALSO have no idea what's going on with "Tammy." She's bizarre because, like Galadia, she's not from a game; she's just a Gardevoir who "manifested" in Heartspace because we felt such a strong affection for the species. But she's so enigmatic. She's never spoken to us. But she's real; we can see her, we feel her vibe clearly, we just... don't know her as a person yet.

Someone we may not have ever mentioned here because of her bizarre history is Marsha. She was a Marshadow plush that someone from Tilly's era actually stole from Walmart because we were flat broke but we loved her? Except almost as a DAUGHTER. Which is UNPRECEDENTED.
All the Pokemon plushies we had during that time period-- which also included a Jigglypuff, and I think a Chansey? as well as Victini & Celebi & Banette & Hoopa & Diancie-- got thrown in a donation bin during one of Tilly's "annihilate everything that's not explicitly Christian" benders. We mourn that loss still, but we accept it. It... wouldn't have been fair to "force" those Pokemon to continue to live in the aftermath of that horrific era. For their anchor plushies to have been lost was really for the best; it was a solid break from that time period.
Unfortunately Marsha never "came back," or at least, not yet. We don't know how or where she would, but we won't cancel out the possibility.


As for other Pokemon...
Nidoking is Jewel's BFF forever because he's actually her first Pokemon. So although the species is gorgeous, that's as far as it's going, haha.
There's an affection for Alakazam, too. They've always been one of our faves, but I think there's queerplatonic potential here too? Which is really sweet.
Someone keeps wondering about Gothitelle? It FEELS like that "Jacinth" girl again! But this boggles us yet it's been constant. That girl has different preferences than anyone else.
Jay was also super fond of his Chesnaught, Zedrick, as a pal. I want to mention that because he was our first Grass starter ever, and there's such a warmth in our heart for him from that timeline. That needs to be honored.

And then there's Toshinsei. Jay's Aegislash. He's second place only to Celebi and Ventrium is a close third. (Gleam SHOULD be higher up but these are the facts right now). 



(unfinished; posting nevertheless due to important info. we will add more to this when able as a result)

✱Laurie CHALLENGED me to NOT DOUBLE ANYTHING ON THE MEALPLAN (except BK items) so I DIDN'T! Plus, Madison APPROVED our "double entree dinners" because they're FIXED PORTIONS & we meet ALL OUR EXCHANGES WITHOUT LOADING UP ON SIDES. So we're OUT OF HELL, thank GOD!! The next big challenge is CRABCAKES ON HALLOWEEN!
✱ON THAT NOTE, I am TRYING to reassure myself that I'm NOT DYING because I JUST ATE SHRIMP! (HEAVEN! NOW!) But we CAN'T keep doing this, haha. Seriously we SKINTESTED NEGATIVE. TWICE. The shrimps are safe. Good. I AM itchy BUT the soymilk did this too so I'm betting it's anxiety, girl you better get over here so I can kiss you & calm down.
For the record SHRIMP TASTES SO DIFFERENT! They're BUTTERY with a hint of OCEAN, with SUCH an ODD texture. And they give an IMMEDIATE "atmosphere flashback" to SOMETHING I think in childhood?? I'm not sure but it's fascinating. I'll have to reflect on that more, for the sake of recalling & reintegrating the inevitably UNIQUE situations we would've had them in! But, for the record, my immediate "vibe" is that I'm not a fan? But I'm INTRIGUED. Something in me DOES vibe with seafood, maybe just as a concept? No, I DO like fish. And we'll find out about CRAB this Thursday! But it's cool, to discover all this anew. God's creatures are beautiful & fascinating and there is something INEFFABLY INTIMATE about the FACT that GOD INVENTED FOOD as... well. We EAT creation. We take each other INTO each other & we GROW from it, TOGETHER in a mysterious way. And THAT is why I DO CHERISH FOOD AS A REALITY. It's COMMUNION. It's UNITIVE. It's BEAUTIFUL. And the E.D. was DESECRATING IT. Which is WHY I AM LIBERATING THE SHRIMPS. (AND chocolate soymilk, for the record, which I had the MAD GUTS to try for the FIRST TIME at snack afterwards with NO SYMPTOMS EITHER!) And I will ALSO liberate the CRAB & HAM & WALNUTS & EVERYTHING ELSE I CAN, for the sake of LIFE & LIFE'S CREATOR. The reflux is a small price to pay for freedom from fear & judgment, and I can OFFER IT UP as PENANCE for the ABUSE I used to deal out TO life, in BOTH FOOD AND MY OWN BODY. Yes, it IS scary & uncomfortable, BUT! It's actually giving me the OPPORTUNITY to ACTIVELY REFUSE to give in to LEGIT PURGE TRIGGERS. I am FIGHTING! It's SUPPOSED to be a struggle! That's how VIRTUE grows! And so I THANK GOD for this, as hard as it is, because I can GLIMPSE ITS PURPOSE and it is a TRUE CROSS & so it is HOLY & REDEMPTIVE & GOOD. I just need GRACE for ALL of this or I'll fail. But God WANTS me to WIN, IN HIM. So Lord, THY WILL BE DONE!


✱BOY I JUST SANG "I STILL HAVE THAT OTHER GIRL" LIVE KARAOKE AND I AM SHAKING IT WAS AWESOME. ❤ I CAN DO IT MAN!! THANK YOU GOD FOR THE GUTS!! AND THE TALENT AND THE LOVE! Seriously I feel BLOWN OUT LIKE AN EASTER EGG and I NEED TO DO THIS IN THE FUTURE AS SELFGIFT TO OTHERS. GO MAKE SOME MUSIC!!
(...also. For the record, who did my heart think of? Laurie, Anxi, Jena, & Celebi.❤)

✱btw I realized this on Friday night but ANXI HAS GREEN EYES. And she's SHORT.
LORD I HAVE WEAKNESSES AND THANK YOU FOR GIVING THEM TO ME, SERIOUSLY. I am SO IN LOVE with her (& CZ) & I can only imagine what the future will bring. I'm so blessed.


✱I should continue to get grape juice with every challenge meal & "DRINK THE CUP." Keep the GOAL/PURPOSE in mind!

focus on the good!


GOOD THINGS ON WED 0501
1. Posted my reflections in the weekly WOF Book Club & it was received positively
2. 1/3 into the year and we've done every daily Bible+Catechism In A Year study so far faithfully
3. Spent some time reviewing old inspirations/ poetry on our Tumblr loveblog to "set the stage" to return to it in earnest

GOOD THINGS ON THU 0502
1. Finished my online audio studies on the Saint Paul Center; now we can move forwards to the next kind
2. Started reading the next fairytale ("The Light Princess") for this month's book club
3. The trees outside my window are green with leaf buds & they looked so beautiful against the clear blue sky... especially since that exact color combination reminds me of both Celebi & Chaos 0

GOOD THINGS ON FRI 0503
1. Discovered a new worship song that put words to exactly what I needed to pray
2. Started a new religious lecture course and it is already both deeply inspiring & shockingly educational
3. Worked up the courage to voice my opinion in the WOF book club although no one else shared my views

GOOD THINGS ON SAT 0504
1. Got to SMELL THE WISTERIA regrowing up at the homestead-- the exact same from my childhood (it didn't die and neither did we)
2. Beautiful spring rain all evening, with that "emerald" scent that wet forests have-- it was 100% Celebi and went straight to my heart
3. Started a new book (The Princess and the Goblin), even if only the first 5 pages, and I'm already fascinated

GOOD THINGS ON SUN 0505
1. First Holy Communion at church, so it was PACKED, notably with kids and families, which was lovely to see
2. The lilacs by the church (the pastel colored ones) are in full bloom & they smell so beautiful
3. Saw Father P. out planting seeds in his garden & wearing pajama pants; it was such a simply sweet human moment, it meant a lot

GOOD THINGS ON MON 0506
1. Managed to get a full hour of exercise in (I missed yesterday)
2. By a crazy sequence of "not quite coincidences," I GOT MY CHILDHOOD FAIRYTALE BOOK BACK!!
3. Driving LATE (9PM) to pick up mom, & listening to music on the highway

GOOD THINGS ON TUE 0507
1. Got a "happy birthday" phone call from dad AND texts from ALL my siblings!
2. Indulged my sense of childlike wonder/ joy/ affection & got mom an "I love you" balloon
3. SURVIVED TO AGE 34!!! Seriously BY THE GRACE OF GOD, may He guide & protect us still!! ♥

GOOD THINGS ON WED 0508
1. MOM'S BIRTHDAY! ♥ Genuinely moved/ struck with thinking about how much I really do love her
2. Let my body sleep in a bit for once; we were so exhausted we needed it
3. Seriously convicting Bible study, but we needed the severe honest correction

GOOD THINGS ON THU 0509
1. Ascension Thursday! ♥ Mass was during the "golden hour" and everything looked so beautiful
2. Unexpectedly heard my favorite "night song" from college on the drive home & everything felt transcendently bittersweet
3. Found some more good music while biking today; I'm learning that I don't "have to like everything" blindly

GOOD THINGS ON FRI 0510
1. AMAZING counseling session; completely unexpected. HUGE insights into habitualized trauma behaviors
2. Ran several errands for mom that she later genuinely thanked me for; proving I CAN be kind & reliable
3. Synchronicity with night drive music giving me MASSIVE consolation & brought me to tears

GOOD THINGS ON SAT 0511
1. Talked to my choir director about my debilitating struggles with scrupulosity lately; he deals with it too so he UNDERSTANDS & CARES
2. Had a very honest confession concerning the scrupulosity discussion, and ACTUALLY felt freer when it was over; powerful grace to keep trying
3. In prayer after, FELT like Mary DID LOVE ME. No fear. That's SO SIGNIFICANT for me. Don't ever forget this; keep praying!

♥♥♥

OBSTACLES TO JOY THIS WEEK...
1. "GUILT/SHAME" over feeling any happiness
2. Undermining "the bright side"
3. Giving in to "monotony despair"
4. STOP WASTING TIME ONLINE!!

JOY SPARKS TO KINDLE NEXT WEEK...
1. TALK TO THE SYSTEM MORE OFTEN
2. PUT ASIDE EVEN 10 MINUTES TO READ AT NIGHT

quick morning typing notes

up until 3am typing.
then 330 FIRE ALARM WTF. quiet fire engines. surreal. it was raining outside

up at 1111
Mass at st clares as usual
homily about LEADERSHIP. good leadership requires accountability & integrity of character.
said we are ALL leaders, in our own way, in our own unique situations
at one point said, "what do we teach our children?"
got a SUDDEN and POWERFULLY CLEAR VISUAL FLASH of THAT OTHER CHILD sitting next to Xenophon on the floor, a "could-be" visual thought with that statement. (those feel like dreams, or memories. you can TELL they aren't "real," but definite potentials)
looking at him. pondering his appearance and colors. that weird icy blue crystal tail. the "undersea fish" vibe about his head, or even soft leaves. different vibe than xenophon. like an underwater plant almost.
Celebi was floating near me, looking at me pointedly, and CRYING.
I suddenly realized WHY that child is blue.
HE IS PINSTRIPE'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
the light blue crystals on his tail are absolutely pin's vibe. Pinstripe's color was ice blue and he vibed with ICE, NOT SNOW. also, oddly, his "emblem animal" association was NOT bugs... it was SHARKS!!! 
(we never listed that for the cores, did we? we need jargon for it. "totem" is appropriative.)

BK prep talk
Mimic cutting open new water pack, said he wasn't used to dullness of kitchen knives, but it works. Barry jokingly commented about sharp knives, specifically "the knife isn't sharp enough"
Laurie admonished him STRONGLY on that. said that we NEVER use that phrase, especially not so irreverently, and also, "you need to die to those old associations if you want to live a new life." i.e. if he keeps identifying himself with the "zany sociopath" model he was cast in, he will never fit a new one in a new world. He needs to STOP trying to "be Barry from FMA" if he wants to grow and change beyond that original, doomed and degrading definition of selfhood.
Barry apologized (the guy is surprisingly open-hearted in that respect; Mimic might grumble or even retort, but Barry has never had an obstinacy towards correction about him? His pride might obviously be bruised, sure, but it's just a bruise-- he still admits when he's wrong, he can take a joke, he has a shocking amount of self-awareness but will readily concede, however sheepishly, when someone points out any vices he's exhibiting, consciously or unconsciously. That's all super notable), Laurie said she accepted it, but not to worry, because this gives us an opportunity to learn humility? I remember that virtue was clearly mentioned, because Barry or someone asked, effectively, "how long do we have to fight pride until we ARE humble enough?"
Laurie said that "humility is a neverending battle", that it is a "war" we MUST fight until the day we die.
Lynne just SMILED at her saying this, and said "you know, Laurie, I think that's your REAL root" = SPIRITUAL WARFARE!!!!
Noted that we ALL ALWAYS associate Laurie with specific knightly virtues: integrity, truth, honor, sacrificial love, perseverance until death. BUT THOSE VIRTUES NEED TO EXIST WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF WAR, IN ORDER TO BE FULLY REALIZED & LIVED OUT!!!
And THAT is what Laurie has been MISSING since CNC; it is WHY she keeps slipping & graying & blurring. She lost sight of her TRUE ROOT, because honestly I don't think ANY of us realized what it is.
Initially, yeah, the "pain=love" bit IS her absolute core. BUT WHY IS THAT EVEN A ROOT? Because, to suffer FOR love IS SPIRITUAL WARFARE!!! That's the entire POINT. So even in the beginning, when it was so mangled, it was STILL FIGHTING FOR LOVE, still FIGHTING FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS, still DEFENDING TRUTH. We were only punished as a child BECAUSE WE DID WRONG. Laurie also only took that up IN ORDER TO KEEP US RIGHTEOUS. Yeah we misunderstood the details back then, BUT NOT THE HEART OF THE CONCEPT.
So this is a HUGE realization. Hence the sudden update!

Jade call, bath tomorrow. GET READY SON

ALSO Laurie laughing that when she says "kid," BOTH Jewel and Jay respond. Jewel said "that's because we're a dualcore processor"
Julie commented, aren't we more like a quadcore? Because there's the Jessica bloodline too, and MAYBE the CECELIAS????
BUT then we noted LYNNE. Wasn't she supposed to be a bloodline shift? Laurie said NO, remember she was born to HOLD THE FORCED IDEAL that others wanted us to be, BUT WE COULDN'T BE. So we took all of that, and put it into HER. She was supposed to be "who everyone else WANTED us to BECOME," but deep down SHE WAS A POTENTIAL BANK. She was NEVER A SOCIAL.
Mimic was shocked at the idea that Lynne was almost a core. He asked if her Orange color had to do with that, since it was so close to Red. Lynne said no, in the beginning, she was a lot more Red than she is now. That's because she was split off FROM the Red Core whose vibe could NOT be mangled to match the external expectations. Lynne actually leaned CERISE originally???? The PINK being a femininity focus, something the Jewels could NEVER hold!!
Then Laurie realized something huge: Lynne DIED in 2009, BUT when she came back years later she was ORANGE, NOT CERISE. And why was this?
Lynne was supposed to be the expected-ideal adult version of Jewel, who could never actually fit those ideals. BUT we could never take the "hyper" out of Lynne BECAUSE WE COULDN'T TAKE THAT ENERGY OUT OF JEWEL.
THAT IS WHY LYNNE HAS THAT INEXPLICABLE AND INDOMITABLE EBULLIENCE TO HER. Just like the Jewels that instigated her root, SHE CANNOT ERASE THAT SPARK FROM HERSELF.
God only knows what she would have become-- what we would have become-- if we LET our environment crush us, and turn us INTO that pink-leaning female adult.
I wonder if anyone does hold that. I WONDER IF THAT SOMAFONI WHO WROTE SO MUCH OF THE UPMC STUFF HOLDS IT????? Is she Iscah, really? Is that her actual self? We never could pinpoint it. I think it IS. And if so... SHE IS 100% PINK. SHE'S A FEMALE ENFORCED IDEAL. AND SHE HAS CRUSHED JEWEL'S BOUNDLESS SPARK.
Iscah isn't a kakofoni, but she IS an apatefoni, which is equally deadly in a different way.


The Archivists realized that Mimic keeps "getting everything" channeled into him because he has such a POWERFUL presence and anchor in headspace; his visuals are crystal clear, his personality is solid, etc. But why is this? BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE OF US UP HERE WHO DID NOT EXIST DURING TRAUMA!!!! He is, effectively, the manifestation of LIVING HOPE FOR HEALING from all that came before, and that all the rest of us saw, or even contributed to.
Mimic is UNTOUCHED BY ALL OF IT. He showed up AFTER UPMC for heaven's sakes!!!
THIS MEANS THAT ALL NEW OUTSPACERS ARE TRAUMA-FREE. THAT IS AMAZING.
PLEASE TELL THE CORES TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT.
I wonder how that applies to nousfoni.
Remember the Undergrounders-- they appeared after a trauma as holders OF the trauma, who had been buried and forbidden from manifesting before. So all "new" nousfoni we find now, WHILE we're healing, might potentially be DEEPLY DAMAGED. Still, we love them and want to meet them.
BUT this fact makes the complementary untouchedness of Outspacers EVEN MORE VITAL as a balance!!!
WE NEED BOTH.
AND THEN THERE'S THE LEAGUE.
That UNITES us both, and with how the Jewels are STILL working on it, despite everything, arguably with MORE clarity than ever... I really think the League is going to be the HINGE on which EVERYTHING TURNS.
The Spectrum NEEDS the Spheres, and perhaps vice versa.
THINK UPON THIS. PRAY ABOUT THIS. LIVE IT OUT.


Quick note during breakfast:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

(later)

evening was absolutely terrifying

for unknown reasons, got hit with a debilitating panic attack after breakfast?
we think it was because, during our Bible study, one of the thriskefoni started on with their evangelistic fervor-- "i need to convert all the ex-catholics on tumblr!! i need to save all of the apostates!!" -- and started writing a notepad document on how to do so, pasting in all these bits of commentary on how to "preach to the lost" to "win their souls" etc. in response, someone ELSE upstairs (faceless & nameless) absolutely castigated them by pasting in huge red letters at the top of that document: "WOE TO YOU, BLIND GUIDE & HYPOCRITE!!" and the girl, terrified, absolutely shattered.
memory just breaks up. we lost all concentration, all coherence, all focus. the next thing we remember is someone eating carrots in the kitchen, but like one possessed, LITERALLY screaming upstairs "help me, i don't want to do this, i can't stop, please God help me" etc. and forcing themselves to eat more and more, amidst absolute shrieking terror. memory cuts out again, like a total blackout, and then the next memory flash is of someone eating oatmeal with raisins, one of our BIGGEST TRIGGERS-- who the heck even BOUGHT it and WHY???-- but with a completely numb mind. no emotions, no thoughts, just mechanical behavior. it was disturbing to see. then, blackout again, and the next memory is of someone throwing up violently in the bathroom, and the accompanying emotions of sheer panic from the pain & awareness of deadly consequences.
it was a nightmare.
however COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS ANYWAY because it has been TWO FULL MONTHS since we can remember having a binge. for years, the biggest gap between binges was two days. and now the worst was june, and ONLY because of the jade situation. this is amazing. so remember that.
Anyway we were SO sick and distraught that memory is, no surprise, shredded to bits. i know we used the default "ER recovery method" which is to take/drink a certain set of pills/ vitamins/ electrolytes/ etc. in order to recover ASAP, but it didn't make the symptoms disappear and so panic remained. i think we were too dissociated to know what we were doing anyway. AND, with all the "godphone" reliance of the thriskefoni, most of them WILL NOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT "GOD'S PERMISSION," i.e. "hearing Jesus &/or Mary TELL them what to do." so even when we know we MUST drink our electrolytes to prevent hypokalemic disaster, they WON'T DO IT UNLESS GOD APPROVES. they will panic. "should I drink this? Is this right? Does God want me to do this?" etc. they are absolutely paralyzed with indecision-- or rather, a total rejection OF decisive will-- until they are given orders.
these poor thriskefoni are the same ones that will spend hours praying just so they don't have to do anything else with life. to them, life is prayer-- there are no messy decisions or opinions or choices or problems to deal with. just kneel and read prayer cards for three hours, that's all that matters!
on that note, they got what they wanted, and I daresay (with no small amount of holy fear) that God did, too, because from about 845 to 1AM we collapsed on the couch, drifted in and out of consciousness, and just said prayers. there was some talking to God about our illness, I'm aware, but as to what was said i don't know. i know it had to do with death, and suffering, and surrender, and "God do You care about me" "God do You want me to die" "God why did You let this happen" etc. LOTS of Psalm praying, though, which we are aware of because it was pinging us, the people in Central, with how painfully relevant they were.

Nevertheless, that's all we have for today. We went to bed surrendered to God's Will and praying to wake up in the morning. If not, well, at least we don't have to struggle with our own stupid sins anymore.

But hey, Lamentations 3.:22-23 says it best: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is [His] faithfulness."

No matter how confusing and frightening this war of our innerlife may get, we can count on God.
Despite all the lies and propaganda, we know His voice inside our heart, and we know He loves us. Deep down we know. Our own existence as a System is miraculous proof of it, despite all odds.
Rest in that. Hope in that. Don't give up. Endure to the end.

Dream: (rough notes)
in big library, kid named Julia, big fan of Celebi. playing with little clear plastic toys of her & venusaur. we joined her & said we were a huge fan of celebi too. she was overjoyed and we hit it off immediately
talking to her & her mom about pokemon movies? julia had life trauma from the time she watched "the one with shaymin & darkrai" and when we mentioned it she actually stress-vomited. library called the ambulance, said we "had to go to the ER" as "proper procedure" because legally if we needed it and didn't go they'd get sued or something. so we were waiting for the ambulance and i think it was pouring rain outside, like buckets of it. parking lot looked like a lake.
RIGHT AROUND HERE we WOKE UP BRIEFLY but thanks be to God when we fell back asleep it was soon enough that we went RIGHT BACK INTO THE DREAM... BUT ON A BETTER DREAM LEVEL. which means we were CONSCIOUS!!!
we were in ER waiting room now. JAY was fronting. white hair and all. he was talking to julia, calming her down. "i have a best friend named julie"
Laurie showed up! i think in further response to this friend-foni talk. julia's mother asked who she was, Jay said she was his "body&soul-guard"
"That's the sweetest thing you've said to me all week" "only this week?" "yeah you've got a sugarhigh of a history kiddo"
JEWEL showed up, i think through HOOPA opening a portal?? wanted to help julia with healing the trauma around the pokemon movie?
i remember her smiling, putting her arms out, then stepping back and FALLING?? like she fell OUT of this reality and INTO another, into the air actually. she was above an ocean, with a single island below. as she fell, she was transforming INTO a skyform shaymin, but more klonoa-styled haha. on the island it was all gracidea flowers & landform shaymin. saw her, shocked, transformed too. jewel told her that she needed a flower as a gift, and also if she could come with her i think??
also manaphy in the ocean?? suddenly showed up, made a little vase of "pure water" for it. then DARKRAI showed up??? specifically one she KNEW. there was a powerful feeling of relationship, but NOT ventrium; this was one from her game?? anyway he wanted to help with the healing too of course, so he tried to put "anti-nightmare" energy into the flowers, made them turn glowy indigo, but shaymin was nervous, it was reacting oddly. darkrai apologized, took the energy back. jewel said it's okay, we'll still find something for you to do. then jewel called HOOPA (he was the one from the system!!) & took the vase of flowers to XERNEAS and had him "bless it" so the flower would never die. going back to the island, darkrai then made a little crystal moon charm and put it on the ribbon, filled the charm with that good-dream energy. he said something about cresselia having given him her blessing? so he could do things like that.
SOMEONE put the ribbon on that vase too. i cannot remember who. was it diancie??
oh but the last person to show up was MEWTWO! and yes she was the one we've known SINCE CHILDHOOD. i forget what she did, but i know she added some sort of charm to the ribbon too.
anyway, after all this Jewel & Hoopa & Darkrai went back to the ER room and presented the flowers & vase to Julia, explaining the motive, and she was obviously both moved & thrilled, thanked them so much. her mother was just amazed but smiling at all this. it was all so sweet. 
also lastly YES CELEBI SHOWED UP. i cannot remember when, maybe before jewel, but she was talking to Julia in person. i remember jay looking at her with powerful affection. her eyes were very clear. she said she was "just one celebi," there were many, and she "wasn't julia's celebi" but she still cared about her. and she would "find her own celebi" one day? as a true friend? something like that. all struck our heart very deeply.
we woke up somewhere around here, because we FELT the waking world encroaching in, whenever we're conscious in dreams we wake up "soft," like surfacing from being underwater. there's no change in mental awareness, like the hard and often painful "jolt-break" from unconscious dreams.
i DO remember that we said something to julia & her mom as we left, because our departure WAS VISIBLE in the dream obviously.

within ten minutes of waking, sudden phone call.
JADE EVICTED AGAIN.

BK rush. Music on to prevent panic. cleanup early.
everyone in headspace asking what was going on, it was so weird & unusual. worried.

MOM CALLED the minute we finally sat down to eat. said GO MOVE JADE OUT NOW
Left breakfast immediately & drove out. learning to be prompt in doing good, still learning not to "complain" like we mentioned "do you want me to leave now? because i just sat down to eat, so i need to know if i should stick it in the fridge and just run" etc. why do you need to passively mention the inconvenience. shut up. stop doing that. stop being so selfish.
STILL. we obeyed immediately. did not gripe or whine at ALL. not even the feelings to do so. THANK GOD. means that corrupt interference is losing its push. genuine self getting better anchor. thank You God. keep praying for grace!!

had to help Jade clean up & pack, then unpack onto porch of family house. didn't go in, no keys but also did not want that atmosphere to slam into our memory like the truck in sonic adventure haha
telling jade that the forest outside that house "feels genuinely sacred." it's diamew after all. said we would stand in front of the real estate monolith's bulldozers if we had to, we would NOT let them touch the woods. it would be sacrilege.

MANIC SINGERS pushed out home drive, "we're doing our job, burning off the stress!" rubellite i think her name is. the one that feels a bit like jewel but notably isn't. actually really touching to hear that she knows she has a JOB and she is doing it FOR OTHERS. changes the whole vibe.
ACTUAL JEWEL out momentarily for Keane comment, that album belonged to S&B first!!!

BK finally at 2pm haha. It's cold, bonus points for that in this heat, thanks God!
actually tasted a LOT better this way haha. might have to do this on purpose tomorrow.
Gotta rush for church!

MADE IT just barely haha
mom singing throaty and forced and overly dramatic. actually made us nauseous with BOTH fear & rage. went NUMB though, instead of furious. starting to feel more like we're trapped in trauma now, when we hear her. "fight" is turning to "freeze".

memory failure bad today, like usual. too much stress & phone calls & family disturbance. cannot remember much at all. brain doesn't want to. can't cope with it if it did.

said full set of night prayers. fought both mental & physical fatigue to do so. "heroic virtue" motivation, even in tiny things.
took almost 90m. exhausted.

trying to get back into system mindset
realizing the reason we've felt dormant since may is because of the OUTSIDE FOCUS. the jademonth and then the novena. and the MOVIE MARATHON IS ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL TOO?? closer to heartspace. makes sense; that's Jewel's territory

just realized what time it is and we have to be up at 7 for church!

we are STILL WRECKED and i just miraculously surfaced from a solid hour of negative dissociation (terrible) so here we are attempting to update.

morning. woke up at 10. oddly lovely outside. decided to just lie in bed with chaos 0 and say the rosary on his aquamarine one.
shockingly non-stressful. took a huge burden of panic off the day itself too, now that the biggest prayer was done.
barely remember getting ready, typical. no idea who fronts during that time or if it's just an automated blur with everyone upstairs (most likely).

went to church at 1130 as usual.
readings hit hard. susanna and the adulterous woman. felt julie AND infi upstairs weeping.
homily had one absolutely killer sentence. we were so brainfogged we barely comprehended it but the core of it struck our heart. exact words were "god is not a divine watchman." he is not waiting for you to mess up so he can punish you. "jesus delights to forgive us" essentially. still reeling from it. we've heard that truth a thousand times but it always sinks in deeper. he did not throw the stone. he never will. boggles the mind

afterwards went to doctor. different guy-- nurse assistant. heavyset dude but in that "soft edged" way that is weirdly safe on guys??? like he was completely rounded off. no edges. but SAFE. why is that not so with adult women? is that just motherfear??
anyway. incredibly amiable, elbow-bumped us twice which was great. very upbeat and bright voiced. honestly an uplifting appointment, that's not something you usually say after a doctor's visit haha. he ordered blood tests: our routine CMP to check for electrolyte levels (we're STILL twitchy), a testosterone check, and a pulmonary function test? because of all this sudden-onset dyspnea. had to drive to other clinic to get it done.
decided to do so. system was a bit unsure but i said dude tomorrow's schedule will be worse. so we went up. walked right in, barely waited two minutes, then this adorable phlebotomist with a krylon red waistlength ponytail, cinnamoroll backpack, plush white jacket, and nazar bracelets called us back. seriously she was SO CUTE.
bruise was out for the blood draw. they are so elusive, only show up for that. they still remember the hospital they were "born" in. can't get their face or overlay but we know it's them. so many foni like that-- rare, vague, but real. honestly i love them. i treasure their existences.
we were really bleeding??? they only took one vial but the needlejab kept bleeding. she asked if we were on blood thinners, we said no, but mentally thought, welp this is what all that black pepper does i guess. made a mental note to cut back geez

went straight home. body starting to feel a little off, unsurprisingly because it was already almost 3 which meant like 18 hours fasting again. man.
looped "yankı" and "teletype" this ENTIRE time btw, mostly the latter. they are our current song addictions. for the record, a song only goes on our looplist when it resonates. so, whatever the state of our heart-mind is currently, those two songs match it. we really should make a list somewhere and keep track of this-- i never realized how much it says about our psyche at any given moment. that's vital information.
for the record, jonathan higgs is ALSO tops on our list of "gender euphoria" voices actually. which seems bizarre because he's alongside liam mckahey and philip kane and ed harcourt and the like, BUT jon has that way of singing that is all hiccupy and gasping breaths and faltering tight vocals and it's gorgeous what the heck. we would love to sound like that when we sing, it's so raw and honest and real. strangely heartfelt. we love it.
also for the record, that IS scalpel's legit singing voice. several 'foni do have external voicematches in song, which is ANOTHER list we have to make, and it's a beautiful thing to hear and realize. it's also so powerful an anchor that it can boost life and love into one's soul to such an extent... i can't find the words but remember, the ONLY reason we even FOUND scalpel was BECAUSE of that one awful beautiful day in CNC when we put "get to heaven" on loop and just tried to run away. and he just woke up for real. totally and tangibly. i will never forget how it felt, in that moment when suddenly his existence was undeniable in our chest, in our mind, in our life. singing with that voice. i think that's our favorite moment from the whole time we were out there, offhand at least. it transcended everything else.

oh man still so much more to type. why are we so ragged tired.
sorry we didn't take notes today, that would have made it easier, but our schedule was a mess.

breakfast prep. honestly the highlight of our day besides mass. everyone is together.
on that note everyone is trying to figure out "jobs" to ensure they are part of it. it sounds silly at a glance, but really it's cooperation. it's living as a family, really. as a community of souls united. it means so much. this new daily normal of friendship and love and conversation is amazing because we could NEVER have this externally. socials CANNOT do this. it is only possible inside. thank God, thank You God for this apartment, for this blessedly rich aloneness, for this quiet outside and joy inside.
quick note on that previous point. one of the "jewels"-- the one who is more of a "mental manager," still unsure if she's a total separate or just a facet of the main dreamwalker-- actually SHIFTED the nia/emma/"sheralene" trio INTO "STORYSPACE"??? not leaguespace, but CLOSE. it's a floatrealm of "potentiality" in which they can exist in a greater context as PEOPLE and not just "fleeting" socials that exist for hyperspecific jobs and then inevitably die when said jobs disappear or are changed. really, roni like that ABSOLUTELY need their own jargon; they are ONLY born when the mind is fractured and/or unstable enough to not be able to cope with changes in context/ behavior/ environment, and needs to hypersegregate functions THAT MUCH in order to function at all. like doppelgangers, though, they are not meant to stick around. theirs are brief lives, and it's effectively impossible to bring them upstairs as a result. they are doomed UNLESS APPARENTLY JEWEL DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
even so. lynne asked her why, was it just out of annoyance with them? like was this action done for an impure reason? jewel said partly, admittedly, but that was only because of the MENTAL EXHAUSTION that was happening from having to suddenly SHIFT TO SOCIAL MODE EVERY TIME THEY SHOWED UP. then we'd have to go back upstairs, then back down, etc. like a whiplash, as we said. jewel said it was getting so excruciating, both in pain and overwhelm, that she had to do something. otherwise we risked tearing the system apart.
so. julie and lynne did the carrots instead, while talking to xenophon who was ghosting, AND listening to the conversation from everyone else upstairs in the background. and THAT showed us something ELSE amazing-- THAT KIND OF "BACKUP" FRONTING PREVENTS DISSOCIATIVE SOCIAL-PROGRAM BEHAVIOR!! when julie is fronting with her overlay in focus, but lynne is at her shoulder upstairs, that combined "external action BUT internal anchor" based on TWO PEOPLE is powerfully solid and it keeps everyone FOCUSED AND REAL. i must emphasize: NOT SO WITH SOCIALS!!! socials are infamous for being so disheveled and blurry-minded that not only can they not resist body impulses or programmed behaviors, they also don't record memories on their own and have NO DEPTH OF IDENTITY. we can apparently bypass ALL that catastrophe by having two people drive this body. so that was a VITAL realization today.

other things...

there was some brief but notable "flirting" between julie and infinitii. there was last night, too, with the chocolate kisses. no one is surprised that those two get along so well, but on the other hand, it's a legit MIRACLE that the both of them are in a position to do so safely and affectionately. they both have the WORST pasts in the entire system, arguably. so it's nice, honestly so, seeing such interactions.

at SOME POINT during prep, i cannot remember what prompted it because we were admittedly dissociating right before, but memory kicks in with scalpel saying, about leon, "i could be his boyfriend" in response to some question. totally guileless, like it was just regular conversation. that endearing obliviousness he has. leon just stopped everything, not looking at him, silent as the impact of those words hit home. laurie effectively said to scalpel "that's a seriously significant function, man, do you really realize what that entails?" and to everyone's surprise, scalpel got serious & noble and said "yeah. it means i'd be there for him, and i'd care for him, and i'd be his constant friend, and i'd love him no matter what. i can do that, if he wants me to." HONESTLY SCALPEL WHAT MOTIVATED THIS.
anyway. i think laurie was responding with a similar "wow okay so i guess you do know what you're signing up for" when suddenly leon turns and throws his arms around scalpel and starts to sob. for his credit, scalpel immediately and strongly returned the embrace with notable earnestness, then asked (with no timidity at all, mind) if he had said something out of place, or jumped the gun, or whatever. leon said no, that was pretty much why he was reacting like this. cannot remember their conversation; that's only right, as it was meant to be more personal, even if everyone was around (that's default up here in any case). i do remember leon weeping over nathaniel at one point. "i miss him so much." scalpel responding to this with utmost warmth by pursuing the topic, gently. just leading statements about nat. "he was such and such... right?" that sort of thing. focus entirely off of himself. just genuine concern & comforting. but geez. it was so sweet to see. also remember that at one point at the beginning, when leon was talking through tears, scalpel responded in comfort by just turning briefly to kiss him on the head, firmly and with utmost compassion. reminded me of laurie, but different underlying vibe. reds are so... geez i keep using the word "guileless." candid. ingenuous. at heart they're totally open. laurie said that they're, amusingly enough, sanguine. which sums it up perfectly really.
so yeah. that happened. it was deeply sweet and honestly jay has been "feeling it" under the radar from leon at least for about a week now if not longer. different with scalpel he says-- warm hues and cool hues hold emotions differently. if you lean blue, you're more quiet, reflective, holding hopes inside, waiting, dreaming, softer, hiding depths. if you lean red, you're more forthright, direct, expressing things openly, being more spontaneous, solid and steady, acting on dreams, warm and bright and simpler. hard to put into words. it's all feeling. of course this varies with tints and shades and people who are "inbetween" like laurie, haha.
but it's really nice. we do need to think and feel about that more. jay's good at getting "vibe" data from people, need better jargon for that too because we don't like the cultural use of that word. frustrating. want to use words like "ether" and "aura" but those have newagey junk associations. ah well. we will think of something.


for the record, because it makes us smile, here's the current breakfast prep gang.
laurie: keeps everyone on track and gives the orders
jay: initial tool & ingredient prep, also broccoli apparently
xenophon: cheerleader, keeps fronters stable, gets bonus food
julie: olive oil, also typically fronts for generalized behavior
lynne: carrots
leon: eggs
knife & razor: cutting up the eggs
scalpel & phlegmoni: cayenne pepper bros
celebi: salt (the "second most important thing," her and julie bantering)
spice: black pepper & cinnamon, also making sure the previous three people don't go crazy
genesis, infi, and chaos 0: hang out upstairs and keep the conversation interesting
galadia: possibly giving her triscuit duty? (right now it's jay & julie)
algorith: straight-up throws the towel on the chair
barry: shows up just to get his name on the list
mimic: stabbing the water bottles
it's great. we love it.
we honestly want to bring more people into this. even if just for that hour or so every morning. that attention is still life-sustaining, loving, and precious. the more we can give to each other, the more time we can share, the better.


ate from like... 330 to 430. cleaned everything up then read the church book club chapters for tonight (we need to read them right before or we will forget from how much else gets memorystored over it).
cannot remember the meeting, as usual. socialmode takes over. we still don't know "who" is in charge. it's a familiar vibe, for sure, but it's still unnamed and uncolored and ungraspable? like that person is completely unpingable outside of her context. honestly though that's typical for socials; they DON'T EXIST UPSTAIRS or it would BREAK THEIR FUNCTION. emphasizing that because it's the opposite of the internal nousfoni. again, hyperspecificity. no bleedover, no blurring.
however, there is vague memory data again where it brushed closely to us.
there was some brief discussion about the "widow's mite" and how we have always lived "on the edge of poverty" so we "felt like the rich religious who gave out of obligation but not out of love"??? surprising. often "too scared to give as much as we wanted" because "afraid we can't pay the bills." except WHO IS SAYING THIS because we are INFAMOUSLY OFTEN BROKE BECAUSE we keep putting so much money into the collection baskets, haha. we love to give to the church. but we do have to be prudent. nevertheless "we have decided in our heart TO GIVE, however much we can, we WILL" without shackling ourself to a dollar sign and making it a cold anxious duty instead of a warmly generous gift.
some vaguetalk about our struggles. afraid of "subtly denying God." peter not denying He existed, but denying their relationship. somehow more fatal that way. little "sins of omission," failing to give details of my "faith," afraid to use His Name, not admitting to mom that we went to church, scared to pray in public. BUT WHY. said we'd never really "investigated" the reasons there and it disturbed us. note to selves: that's our job. ironically the system DOESN'T have religious shame. the socials DO. there's definitely a reason for that but, again, surprisingly, it's not evident at all. so we have to look for it.
other point. wedding at cana. "my dear, why are you telling me this? my hour has not yet come." hearing that spoken with a laugh. as if it had been said in headspace. "beloved, i already noticed!" "i'm not unaware" etc. but lovingly. "i do know, and i do care, don't worry. you don't have to tell me!" and yet, "my hour hasn't come." heard by us as, "believe me, i want to do something, but it's not the right time, not the right place." the whole feeling of "mom i already want to help, don't make it worse!" with a smile. and mary, "do whatever he tells you," leaving the options open. if he says yes or no, do that. i don't know. still meant a lot, that thought. like that's how jesus response to our prayers of worried petition. "we're out of wine; we're out of joy, out of zeal, out of energy." the looming shame, the inability to serve others, the lack of life. jesus looking at us with a smile tugging at his mouth, "how does that involve me?" wanting us to answer. appreciating the asking. i hope so. but already knowing he was going to act. just give him time. do whatever he tells you. even if he saves everything until the last second.

oh yeah. at beginning of meeting the leading woman told us "i was remembering what you said last week, about your friend at bible study, and i was inspired to look up the etymology of the words i kept praying, like "mercy"... it's really enriched my understanding and i want to thank you."
upstairs we were pinged. jay just looked over at mimic with the biggest sappiest grin. mimic was just, stunned. wide-eyed, almost abashed. two mentions of "your friend." and "thank you." and "you helped me." jay made a small but affectionate comment on this, no data of what. but mimic replied briefly in the astounded affirmative. the feeling of "i actually had a positive impact on someone??" and letting himself feel that strange consolation for a moment. like a single star in the night. hope. "this isn't so bad." hard to pick up on his data as he doesn't "globalshare" like a nousfoni. but he isn't as walled-off as he tries to be sometimes still i think. no bones after all. his words can be hard but there's something different deep down.

before i forget. at some point today mimic had a monologue, like he used to. cannot remember about what. but it was positive, although it had its edges of course. i think he was responding to laurie about something. either way he was speaking with serious earnestness and jay says one or two milliseconds of vulnerability. like hypersmall but THERE. the hairline fractures in the armor.

got home for 815. mom called the instant we opened the door.
said she was bringing up food. IMMEDIATE panic response. dissociated into jumbled fragments, could not think or hold conscious identity. unable to do anything as a result.
someone went online looking at pokedex?? all the new ones. profoundly disappointed in the direction the games have gone since xy. no longer "like" the series at all actually. lots of spiritual disagreement with the cultural concepts too, especially the animism and a lot of the stuff behind ghost/ dark/ fairy/ psychic/ fighting type bios. notably remember the dex entries for annihilape and ting-lu. disturbed. realizing how much "occult" and honestly borderline "evil" stuff IS in pokemon. very upset. remembering the real joy it brought us in 2000-2004, and arguably again with xy, and how now it's gone? there's too much that has changed.
still. conflicted. cannot deny the past, ALSO cannot deny that so many core-adjacent folks are legit "attracted to" certain pokemon. celebi is obvious, so are gleam and ventrium, and we have confirmed that it was a GIRL pseudocore that has feelings for galadia!! so that's notable. BUT remember no one talks about skittygirl, or gardevoir, or deoxys, or alakazam. they're all on the "it could happen to you" list haha. and TOSHINSEI is a league of his own, good lord. but that's the point. we can deny and suppress it, which we sadly have, but really we cannot shut that love off, it's impossible, it would require heart-numbing and we ALL see the lethal effects that has, because that's EXACTLY what the system and/or socials did to survive in EVERY OUTSIDE "RELATIONSHIP" TRAP. we don't want that inside. not anymore. problem is there ARE 'foni who exist TO fight affection and love and attraction and everything to do with relationship even in concept. they are the most brutal "not-quite-protectors" and they are POWERFUL because they literally kept our physical body alive by fighting tooth and bloody nail against those very real dangers in the past.
that's a whole topic that we need to discuss soon actually. the relationship aversion and how pervasive it has become in the wake of the most recent traumas. and yes they ARE traumas, you said yourself, if you can't run and can't cope and feel like you're going to die and after that's all you want to do, yes it is trauma. even if you playacted like it was okay. even if you won't admit you were scared to death even now. numbing out and wearing plastic smiles doesn't mean it's not traumatic. genuinely caring for the other person and wanting to live for them doesn't mean it's not traumatic when the process of doing so effectively eviscerates you. cnc was existentially horrifying. forgive the common phrase, it's the truth. it was the ultimate unresolvable war between morality and obligation, between affection and self-preservation, between identity and other. it didn't snap us in half, it shattered us like blownglass flung onto concrete. irreparable. and yet god we hope there's still a miracle of healing waiting somewhere, somehow. cannot reconcile the love with the terror. remembering how bad our addictions got. remembering how actively suicidal we were. remembering how we don't remember most of anything and didn't want to. et cetera.
can't deal with that tonight good lord how did we get on this subject. oh yeah. pokemon. isn't that tragically fitting.
nevertheless. so interesting to note that they are NON-CORE relationships for the most part. the core is always connected to chaos 0. ALWAYS. it is the sole most important and intrinsic criterion. but. pseudocores weirdly tend to gravitate to pocket monsters. is this because of their constancy in our life? is it because that is the world the original jewel, the first true core, used as her own anchor and launchpad? there's so much to wonder about.
anyway, that's what makes us even more sad that we haven't been able to play the games in almost ten entire years. and looking at the new pokedexes, we might not even want to. they don't feel like we know them, or could know them, anymore. they feel totally alien to us.
(one notable exception. remember the 2021 hospital girl and her OBSESSION WITH CALYREX. no one has typed about that besides her and no one has read her journal. FIX THAT.)
nevertheless. someone still wants to save up money, buy a celebi gba at last, find new-battery cartridges of silver & ruby and just... relive that joy. we miss it so much, honestly sometimes it's unbearable. which is shocking.
would you believe that is one of the ONLY things that will ALWAYS make the body cry? when we remember our old games, our old teams of 'mons, and how we lost them to cnc, how someone gave them away like they were worthless, how much we miss them... it could make us weep. there was SO MUCH LOVE in those games. god how did we never cherish that fact? how did the hyperreligious 'foni never realize that truth?
God i honestly could cry. i wonder if TBAS still has them. i wonder if they carelessly erased our data. what a horrible thought. what awful death. i don't think we could handle that. but it's a possibility.
stupid impossible dream hoping desperately that one day, we could get them back. one day, we could ask them, somehow, and get the games back. we could see our dearly loved friends again. all of them. i could name them all by heart.
god it aches so much.
nevertheless. jewel says, gently but with conviction, "there's always the league." "i can thread their souls into there," she says. "i won't let them die. i can give them a life bigger than what they had even then."
oh lord we hope so. we hope so. we should. give them lives of their own, free from this progressively mutating brand, keep them resonant with our heart and just as close. give them not just a restored present but a new future.
i think that would help us all.
there's so much unprocessed grief. i'm glad i realized this.

mom showed up around 845 i think. only stuck around for like 30 seconds. handed us the food and left. busy as always. god bless her though.
thank god it wasn't much food because we were terrified for some reason. felt damaged lotophagoi around the edges screaming in panicked fear. nousfoni trying to push through but brainfog was immense. literal terror from the smell of it. why? what was it triggering?
someone chewspit it all within two minutes. almost crying from fear. wanted it gone as soon as possible.
only data is from small chocolate chip cookies mom sent. julie immediately pinged. "uh oh, those are dangerous." like alarm bells. told us to be super careful or "very bad things could happen"
someone brushed teeth, we started to calm down and hard-depersonalize to recover (typical response), which detached us from the body and allowed headspace to come back online as it were.
someone washing dishes. we were still shaking and scared. as a result couldn't move body well and slipped, ended up splashing dishwater all over the counter, and into our actual food. had to throw it all out and start over. thank God it was just stuff we had prepped before the book club; easily fixed. but the problem was time. it was 9PM ALREADY. we were getting so weak and dizzy from only having ~900K the entire day.
jay and julie randomly sharing cleanup duty, while some terrified religious 'foni kept saying that "this is punishment for wasting mom's food. now god wasted ours, so we know how it feels." we solemnly agreed that this was correct. humbling and convicting. decided that from now on we can't "save her feelings" and instead flat-out say NO we don't want any food, yes we love you mom and we appreciate your caring generosity but we cannot accept this in good conscience because we need to take these dangerpanic responses seriously. if we take it there will only be disaster. it's not good. it's morally corruptive to pretend otherwise.
anyway. environment inside and out such a mess jay couldn't front. so JULIE DID.
honestly it is UNREAL how EASILY AND POWERFULLY SHE FRONTS. someone commented on this.
she responded by reminding us that, during the long-ago "julie days," this is what she wanted: complete control of our body. except back then, she wanted it to do "terrible things," to us and to others, she admitted ruefully. but now... there she was, taking care of the body, frankly better than anyone else, AND the only person to NOT get crushed to death by the dyspho/dysmo hell. she was just... fine. unfazed. "at home" even. she still cannot look in mirrors, or at the body itself-- that is still existentially jarring and it will shove even her out instantly-- but she can be IN it, as we do other things, without any trouble. it's miraculous, no exaggeration. we're so so grateful for her.
i remember she was "co-fronting" with lynne again. she kept inviting the breakfast crew around, even for a few seconds here and there, to get us all to stop shaking from stress and feel together again. which was really sweet and nice. she was also brave/brazen enough to eat one or two pieces of things out of bags and bowls, without any binge impetus, or carelessness. she said "i decided i wanted a piece" and that was that. also new kitchen rule is that if you are fronting and you ARE going to eat a piece of something in the kitchen, you MUST share it with xenophon. this keeps everyone accountable, and also helps prevent dissociative socials from showing up. plus xenophon takes her job seriously! she WILL call you out if you're acting unstable.

can't remember dinner. jay coming back in to read psalm 102 with mimic. remember him saying "well this is relevant." note that jay STILL "identifies" with honest pain despite the whitecore "sparkly-eyed" stereotype. he shares in the system suffering personally. his heart is apparently, intrinsically, still red. this is good. that shows he's not rotten inside like lotus ended up.

oh. jay says to write one thing. when he was cleaning up the kitchen and the body kept dissociating, the religious 'foni pushed us into floatspace. they kept "apologizing to God" frantically "i'm sorry for wasting mom's food i know that's why you punished us i'm sorry please don't kill us what can i do to make it better" and. the response they got was literally FROM THE CROSS. "it's all right. i know you're sorry and i forgive you. i've already paid the price for your sin. just don't do that anymore."
the girl felt the awful weight of that. even something as small as her wasting was a sin, a crime against love, and it must be atoned for. but she couldn't do it. only He could. and He was doing so, paying that price completely, with His Blood. right there. right now. and we knew we were responsible. we knew the gravity of sin and it was unbearable.
and suddenly, mimic was standing there too. he was a little ways away, wide-eyed with shock, looking up at the cross. tears streaming down his face. he turned to look at us then. "is that what it means??"
they had a conversation. all blood and nails. the Lamb and the octopus. we cannot remember it, it's all terrible painful gritted-teeth emotion, anger regret sorrow rage guilt confusion horror. and in response, patience compassion forgiveness justice mercy. despite the gored wrists. despite the bloodsunk eyes.
trying to just walk away. couldn't do it. trying to take the money and run but couldn't. the momentous exigency of the fact almost intolerable. "this is the freedom you wanted, isn't it?" paid in blood. and now what? how do you walk your old way knowing this? it leaves a wound. it haunts. the freely given death to save a life not even worth living, suddenly giving it that option. unbelievable. scared furious with the burden of selflessness. struck to the heart by the undeniable personal investment placed in him. hopelessly undeserving but nevertheless. admitted as the sordid felon he was and yet. take it or leave it. life or death. but it changes you.
remember clearly one line from the cross. one bleeding tender response to the why.
"because i don't want you to die."
simple profundity. broke everything in half.
whole scene stopped suddenly when we got back into the apartment. no idea what happened next inside or outside.

julie got us ready for bed.
she did all the kitchen cleanup. she kept nibbling on raisins and triscuits and carrots, but mindfully so? reassuring xenophon that she was only doing so because "this poor body really needs some more food" and we had barely hit 1400k for the day. "besides we won't be able to eat until at least 2pm tomorrow" so she wasn't worried. but she shared every bit, and kept talking to headspace, and stayed accountable and responsible and respectful.
she got really thrown off by the mirror at one point. commented pointedly how disturbing it was to "not see yourself in it." but she strongly pulled her overlay back in and kept going. god bless her she is LITERALLY keeping us alive lately in this unstable core period

tomorrow is church, adoration hour, then come home and eat, then actually an hour of freetime? maybe we can read or rest. but then go to church to clean up for holy week possibly, and if not, then just to the prayer & song service after. then home and eat dinner and type and sleep when it's all done.
exhausted, for real. but... deep down there's a joy. it's anchored in our faith and in our heartfamily. we're very grateful.


what else
nothing? long day. very tired . need slepe sleep oh hi! i'm back!
um nothing to write though. jay says he wants rl really wants to write about chaos 0. not tonight too much typing and also brain shift. too tired too much time. im tired too but say hello. hello!
okay that's it. oh wait no alsos ay we want to archive more post hospital book writing more. says it helps us love each other more. yes it does thats good!! but no time lately. too much outside body things. but learning he says? not as scary as used to. people helping. living in it together oh wow! thats good im glad that show it shoud be i think
okay. i barely type. front. cannot stay. tired! bye

 
(unfinished entry; will refine & expand later. publicizing so we don't hide it)


All over the place day.

Of course, the main thing was 5 hours of church, which we always enjoy thoroughly.
HOWEVER. Today, after the 830 mass, when we were eating our quick breakfast before the rosary, the choir director came up to us and said "hey, when I'm done organizing these papers, can I talk with you real quick?" We said yeah, absolutely. Breakfast only took like 15m so we finished that up and walked over to the organ to meet him, asked what's up?
He said, "take out your binder and turn to I Wonder As I Wander. I want to have you sing that as a solo."
...EXCUSE ME WHAT
I... we've wanted to sing a solo for the Christmas season for years. The choir always does "O Holy Night" as a solo but Mr. Z (who left the choir upon COVID at his wife's behest) always did it, and the past two years I think it was Mr. K? But this year it's his grandson, who has a really great voice (he's big into theater & musicals, we wish him the absolute best), and we're genuinely very happy for him with that-- we do not and will not insist on a solo. For heavens sakes our voice pales in comparison with all those guys; we wouldn't want that spotlight anyway.
Still... we do want to "give our voice" as a gift in such a special context, in this season we love so dearly, with the songs we love to sing. "O Holy Night" isn't one of our favorites-- it's just another carol to us, no offense-- but it was the "only option" if we wanted to give our voice in such a specific, intentional manner, as far as we were aware.
...We have never sang I Wonder As I Wander in our church, at ALL. This is the first time ever. And it's arguably our favorite carol. It's haunting and it's a bit melancholy but it's beautiful and it feels like us.
We offhandedly mentioned that "it was our favorite" during choir practice about two weeks ago, literally just a spontaneous joyful comment when we saw it, forgotten as quickly as it was said... or so we thought. Apparently our choir director, God bless him, not only heard but took it to heart, and he told us this morning specifically that "I heard you say it was your favorite" and... wow. That touched our heart.
So... he sat down at the keyboard.
NOT the organ. The little Yamaha. The piano. And he said you're gonna sing, and I'm gonna back you up. Literally "you own the song." Our pace, our dynamics, whatever.
And so we turned to face the empty church, and he played two rolling A-chords to lead us in, and... we sang.
...I am literally in tears right now, haha. Legit blurred vision here.
This means so much to us. Of ALL the carols we could have possibly sung, if there is one that speaks of our heart, this is it. 

I wonder as I wander, out under the sky,
How Jesus the Savior did come for to die
For poor ordinary people like you and like I.
I wonder as I wander, out under the sky...

It's a musical snapshot of our soul in the snow, honestly.

...

We stopped at home briefly when masses were over, and decided to do a quick shopping run-- admittedly we have a bad habit of doing so on Sundays, as we've "already been out for so long" and our brain is readily in that public-space mode; on other days of the week it is legitimately distressing to "hard shift" into social mode out of the blue if we need to go shopping, then come home and have to UNSHIFT. That often triggers dissociative crises, so. God forgive us, we usually do our little trips on Sundays. Still... that's not cool; it's a day of rest, and we often end up starving for God after Church (in a good way) so we'd rather spend our time praying and such. Again, thank God, now with therapy every Tuesday that gives us a better, earlier option to go out driving & doing errands, and if we still want to keep our two-meal later-breakfast plan, we can easily get an hour of shopping in after our appointment-- if we don't dissociate we don't take long anyway, as we don't need much and it's so routine it's getting steadily easier to do; the hardest part is just the social atmosphere, Walmart continues to be hell-- and get home for noon at the absolute latest. Or we can get up stupidly early and go before, haha. We'll see. In any case it would be prudent to prep breakfast before, maybe even the night before, including the eggs, so that if we are running late we won't be eating at like 2 and then crashing because that pushes dinner to 7pm or later.
Anyway! We have no money and won't until our payee approves our request (which still takes time to process), BUT we have one cash receipt from when we got some surprise donations last month, and two "backup" Pedialytes & a Powerade from that order that we could return (which would give us about $13). In any case, we were all but out of carrots and the cheapest place for those is Wegmans-- which is also the only place where we can get Xennie's fortune cookies at a decent price. So that was the plan-- get some cash, go get those two things, and go home. In any case it would be a nice drive, and some time with Genesis of course, which is always enjoyable.

Walmart return & Wegmans stop
Candy honesty-- only four pieces, cashier last time said "take 'em for free" but we didn't have that permission today so we went back out to the car and got change, came back in and paid for them. God knows we used to steal food all the time, we never want to slip back into that behavior even a little bit. have to be honorable and sincere.
driving: new snail's house song "Cherry" on loop
then put on Celebi's playlist. haven't given her focused attention in a very very long time.
listened to "miracle drug" by u2. that's been her "theme song" since like... high school. always made me think of her. listening to the lyrics now, with everything lately... realizing i've always loved her really, for a very long time. even if we've been distant. emotions i couldn't really put words to. this is still paradoxically very new

Didn't eat until after 3
Body CRASHED
Felt so nauseous & disheveled 
Also allergic reaction??? Hives & red face, but from WHAT?

Pushing Bible study too much.
Want to do daily devotion typing but being too ambitious? making it a "job" and it's exhausting
Still-- MAJOR revelation today w/ eternal life & relationship, from the devotional.
copy+paste it here asap, write about it

don't remember how it happened but, god we are so sorry,
we ended up BINGEING from 4 to 7 approx
Blood sugar TANKED. fell to 62 by the time we thought about checking it.
body shaking so hard, head reeling, almost blacked out. no sugar in house. forgot we had pedialyte. ended up eating the emergency box of raisins from the bedroom, thank god we had that.
So so sick, legit almost went to ER

Wrecked
Nauseous shaky tired sick scared 
Mom thinks we might have the flu? or a stomach bug?
apparently the binge was motivated by feeling so sick?? and wanting to throw up? domino effect
hope we aren't sick though. as a kid someone always got sick for christmas. too much socializing. need to take time off and just rest, be home as a system. heck maybe this is god's way of saying "kid sit down for heaven's sakes" haha. it wouldn't be the first time

Going to bed right now


Other notes.
Found the picture of celebi's baby. it was in a league folder??? i guess someone was in direct denial of what it obviously was. date is 1222, no year. still wow. almost that date now.
celebi says she wants to wait until the new year to even try hatching it. we remember how quickly xenophon grew when chaos & i started focusing all our attention and love on her. but this kid is so new, situation so scary, so much else going on. cel will keep it safe, and infi will too, but christmas has its own focus. we will wait.

Planning to sketch commission hydro for the 23rd, if we get the guts, and put together a reference for our core. which is a daunting task. haven't done so since before nc i think? i remember we had NO self-image during that time, which fueled the eating disorder and the traumatic experiences. no sense of identity at all.
but not so now. picrew is helping at least start that visualization "rough draft," process of elimination.

church folks said we will possibly get a white Christmas!!

(extremely unfinished and disjointed entry. inevitable. will refine later. again, not publishing this would be actively trying to hide. can't do that.)

4pm got on bike
Said divine mercy chaplet AND a glorious mystery rosary using our phone images for meditation; worked FLAWLESSLY.
some of the images are so, so moving. i want to type about them; remind me.
took 30m almost exactly.
then decided to spend the next 90m watching that "penitent man" movie for the heck of it.
well.
i'm glad we watched it before i went to bed because when it ended i was SEETHING AND MISERABLE.
movie was nothing special. predictable plot, mostly dialogue shots.
REALLY upsetting and disappointing "jesus wasn't divine" garbage shock-value bit. expected this what with the hindu/buddhist imagery everywhere. pissed me off.
BUT this ironically proved how jesus is divine irl because the guy said, without religion, humanity became absolutely lost and depraved. "when you put the power of god into a person's hands, they stop believing in anything but themselves." basically. hit hard.
MAJOR dialogue bit on the importance of love as like the SOLE OPPOSING FACTOR to this depravity, and how "relationships require constant attention" and if you aren't "giving enough of yourself" they WILL COLLAPSE. so relevant to our collective life lately. guy talking teared up then, about how his wife said "she didn't love him anymore" (i hate that phrase, it's so cruel and callous and twisted, that's NOT HOW LOVE WORKS) and left him because he hadn't been spending time with her or talking with her. so despite her response, really she was reacting to his actions that were starving her of love to begin with. so in a way, yeah, her response made sense. her heart had become cold and hard because he stopped sharing any warmth. and he didn't realize that until it was too late. he forgot to kiss her one day and then couldn't remember when he had last kissed her at all. heartbreaking. that show of emotion was the ONLY time he really opened up and it slammed into me like a truck.
also huge emphasis on "money as the root of all evil" with this movie which was so so so depressing but still. a vital warning.

but. the frickin WOMAN.
i regret to inform everyone that i apparently STILL have a HELLTON of VIOLENT TRAUMA-BASED MISOGYNY.
like i am legit terrified of women. TERRIFIED. especially white women, almost exclusively so actually. they scare me on some gut-deep level, especially their presentation-- their shape, the horrible soft and roundness, that traumatic smell, the faces they make, the crackly squeaky voices, their "baby obsession," the identical hairstyles and facial expressions. yes i know this is ugly ugly talk but darn it i am trying VERY hard to confess all my garbage and i haven't felt THIS much vitriol since SALT LAKE CITY. i am genuinely shocked it never came up in nc. probably because poor mel was closeted trans, and presenting as overtly feminine at times, while tbas was NOT feminine at ALL, thank God, I doubt I could have survived otherwise. but even though i legit loved mel and still do, it was, and apparently still is, the features of femininity that i have a kneejerk problem with. even in effeminate men. something in me actually HATES it, and I am frightened to admit that. not dislike, not disgust, not loathing even. HATRED. absolute maniacal rage-burning HATE. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THAT.
it's terrifying. WHY DO I FEEL THIS. it's like... it's dehumanizing. i had to cover the screen with my hand EVERY time the guy's wife showed up because some sick part of my psyche wanted to literally throttle her. and why? because of the FACES she kept making and the way she talked and that feminine skin. i kept hyperfocusing my furor on that. it's clearly a trauma response. if there is one thing that will INSTANTLY turn me into a lethiferous maniac it's a notably female body. i am so scared of them. i think i even HATE them. god forgive me but if i so much as see a woman's hand in an online photo, all soft and rounded, or see their facial texture on a movie closeup, and i remember what that texture feels like and smells like i will want to take a freaking KNIFE TO THE SCREEN. i am so sorry but it's true. i lose all sense of decency and mercy and even empathy. i forget that's a person. all i see is DANGER, DANGER, HORROR, EVIL, DISGUSTING, EVIL, GET IT AWAY, GET RID OF IT FOREVER, HATE HATE HATE DANGER FRIGHTENED DESTROY. absolutely hysterical. but it all translates into violence. sheer bestial ferocity. terrifying to admit but true. and yet none of it is personal. the hatred has nothing to do with them as a person because i can't see the person. heck i might even LOVE the person. but when i'm this unhinged and scared, all i see are those physical qualities and patterns that KEEP HAPPENING it's like a VIRUS. i'm talking about THIS AND THIS. a deeper, better part of me can and does love all those girls-- as friends, as daughters, as sisters, as beloveds, even. the REAL part of me DOESN'T DISLIKE FEMININITY AT ALL. but. today I am realizing that there is a shallow and seething part of me, some awful inhuman cancer, that reacts to those poor girls and women with this such inexplicably livid rage i want to rip something apart with my TEETH. i'm so freaking ANGRY. but WHY???? why in heaven's name do white women, ESPECIALLY the "sorority girl" look, make me want to DESTROY SOMETHING. the same mouthy smile. the same long blonde hair. the same silly poses. the same incomprehensible facial expressions WHAT ARE THEY EVEN EXPRESSING it makes NO SENSE it's just INFURIATING, is that because i feel so confused and threatened by it??? even with different body shapes and sizes there's still something absolutely frightening about women to me. ESPECIALLY teen girls. they scare the life out of me. part of me almost wants to (defensively?) hate them. it's terrifying. and i don't know why. it's all how they look. all how they sound. they are all the wrong shapes and textures and smells and they are literal walking nightmares to me. put me in a room with a bunch of girls and i will either scream and try to break the door down or i will start breaking teeth. it's inevitable. it's driving me insane.
and mothers are WORSE, God forgive me, just like that poor woman in the movie. when they have babies it's like i'm being trapped in hell because NOW the scary bits of all females have been EXAGGERATED in the silent scream of "THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO GET AN INFANT AND I'M GOING TO EXPLICITLY FORCE YOU TO REMEMBER IT." and as a result i am legit TERRIFIED of infants too, moreso than women, but for the exact same awful reasons. all the wrong shapes and smells and sounds. i see one and i am honestly terrified. WHY. 
is it just the trauma? is it all the trauma? when i see a pr****nt woman i want to run and possibly gouge my own eyes out just to feel the relief of pain and blood. i need to cauterize my brain. i go into a mad red frenzy. burn it out. cut it out. bleed it out. get it out. get it away from me, forever, get it away from me, i can't exist in the same space as THAT.
good lord. i'm a bloody mess.
how the heck do i bring this up in therapy
it's been OVER TEN YEARS since i first admitted this awful vice and this is STILL JUST AS BRUTAL AS EVER.
and i hate it. i hate it so much. it's like being possessed. maybe that's literally what this is, god help me

i feel so sick and weird. i don't want to be like this.
but it's so instinctual. it's a knee-jerk response. pure acid, the instant i so much as see them, but it's all fueled by fear. i'm afraid of them. they are walking threats to me. getting near one scares me to death because the sheer thought of a girl bumping into me by accident is enough to have me screaming and clawing at my arms until they bleed. it has happened before. my poor mom knows it. it's at the point where she's afraid to even hug me lest she set off a meltdown or shutdown. no mother should have to go through that with their own child. but there it is. it's happened too many times. i can't seem to shut it off. i am so sorry.
and of course, this gender dysphoria nightmare.
literally an inescapable hell since inpatient
i hate this body now. i hate it so much i cry over it all the time. i wish i were dead almost every time i see a mirror. where are all my edges, my angles, my sharp points? where are the safe and beautiful bones? the squared-off corners? now there are too many bloody curves, too many scary soft places and i want to take razor's x-acto knife to ALL OF IT. i want to starve and throw up and watch it shrink again, empty and pure, god i want to be safe again i don't know what to do.
need to eat less. exercise more. burn off all this demonic weight
and hormones. i swear i need to start hormones again. drop the voice more. get more facial hair. change the body shape. look like how i feel. like how i am, inside. not like this. not like this horrific feminine beast in the mirror. literally about to have a panic attack just thinking about it. trapped trapped trapped DOOMED

...it's worse than it ever was now.
i just frantically got out my jmc photo album and looked at her, those snapshots from 2009, she's still so young but now i can see that she's a girl and i'm scared. WHY. WHY HER, WHY NOW, SHE WAS ALWAYS SAFE BEFORE,
why is the trauma this bad now
and yet. and yet i still choose to love her. this dogged determination. i have to.

how much of this is externalized dysphoria
how much of this is internalized homophobia
how much of this is exploded trauma

all of it.
every single bloody abuser in my life has been FEMININE in one way or another
AND YET, since childhood i cannot deny that I STILL "LIKE GIRLS"??? like i'm the idiot who will walk past some gorgeous chick in a store or at church even, double-take and turn around and go "geez she's gorgeous" and yet i can't watch a movie with a woman in it without having a panic attack and wanting to punch through the screen??? what gives? 
i still pray for a "girlfriend" too. honestly i do. i keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, if one of "those girls" is able and willing to actually love me then i won't be frightened anymore. it would break the pattern. i'd be like the fox and the color of the wheat. my heart would change. god i hope. please i mean it send me someone. you know i'm capable of love even with this. even with this.
wondering if it needs to start inside like most things because YEAH, THAT'S WHY WE HAVE LIKE NO FEMALE OUTSPACERS, and the ones that do manage to stick around are not human at ALL.
galadia is so important in this regard. in canon sneaslers have a body shape that scares us. it's those horrible rounded hips. but SOMETIMES people draw her ALL LINES & EDGES and that's what caught us, honestly so much is about proportion for us, too. always that fear of something being "too apparently feminine." it's exhausting. also for sneasler the long limbs + fur sets off so many phobias, it's honestly a miracle that she's in our system at all. but she is. i guess i'm trying to say, there's hope ?
ALSO. thinking about this whole mess of a situation it's OBVIOUSLY why we couldn't "get" lillymon to be an outspacer. she's too obviously a girl. there were no links, no resonances, nothing that could connect to her... at least, in the old art. in tri she looks more alien, with sharp teeth & a slightly different silhouette, but still. the body shape. the "long hair." the dress. it immediately makes us panic and that cannot be "forced past." THAT'S HOW ABUSE HAPPENED. we don't want to repeat that in headspace for heaven's sakes.
in any case that whole thing was a farce. COMPLETELY obligatory and self-abusive. literally picking some random 'mon and saying "what if we made them an outspacer just to have a green person and a girl" IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY YOU SHALLOW MORON.
you can't "pick" who you resonate with. you can't "pick" who you end up actually falling in love with, no matter what "level" it is. platonic or familial or romantic or whatever. it happens and it CANNOT BE FORCED OR FAKED. EVER.

one last note. our "female" nousfoni aren't female. if they use she/her pronouns they still aren't "girls." this is a CONSTANT.
i should make a list. but just think: algorith, razor, wreckage, laurie, all considered "she/her" but not feminine at all. which is GOOD. even lynne is losing some of the apparent details which is making her safe. julie exists in a weird zone where she's apparently female BUT she doesn't set off all the alarms??? gonna have to note why. there are some subtle but key things she's lacking apparently. nevertheless, yes, we are scared of her figure and THAT WAS ALWAYS PART OF HER FUNCTION. same with infinitii. the only reason ze has those hips is because ze's supposed to be terrifying.
nevertheless we are strongly considering "inventing" pronouns and "genders" for ourselves up here because we DO NOT match the human binary AT ALL, and it's therefore actually dishonest to even speak as if it were so. which it isn't.
it'll take so much fear and stress out of the atmosphere too. no more false associations and triggers and function corruption.

anyway. can't talk any more about this. wrecking me emotionally & mentally.

...
we tried to find something nice on tubi to watch afterwards but made the mistake of looking in anime
and every female we saw was either infantile, hypersexual, or a demonic mix of BOTH
made us so angry and upset we almost got suicidal. don't want to live in this world

mom called, she was coming up to give us food she made and we had to leave the car off at the garage? to fix the tires (it's her car, we're just borrowing it)
couldn't find any music to play on the way up. looking at recent spotify likes. genesis pointed out this one from the new pinocchio movie? which we want to see but can't because netflix is satanic and we refuse to get it. but the song is "better tomorrows." it matches him a lot; different side of him than we usually see but it's very him. warmer amber. he was singing it to me in headspace, bringing xenophon in too. she was delighted. i gotta admit he got a real smile out of me. it meant so much, this sudden sincere effort to console me. i love him a lot. i really do.
anyway the car switch & drive was over and done fast, mom wasn't even paying attention the whole time, just listening to talking books and making phone calls. we tried not to listen, no offense to her but her books are often very triggering. could be topic, the reader voice, both. we're so exhausted and tired of media. hate it so much. even kid's stuff is corrupt now.
got back to the apartment for 7pm. super late to be finally eating dinner. our head was spinning
unfortunately mom sent up fish. biggest trauma trigger food
the girls TRIED to eat it. couldn't. profoundly disturbing.
ended up purging immediately. threw out the rest, all of it. threw that immediately in the garbage chute so we'd be "safe." whole process took less than 10 minutes and NO bingeing. still shook us up terribly

dinner was fine. i was hard dissociated though. couldn't focus, couldn't read bible, couldn't taste anything. mind a blur. too shaken from everything
still shared fortune cookies and egg-muffin with xenophon. did i mention she "doesn't like mushy foods?" like oatmeal or yogurt. she likes things that are crunchy and "bitey." but she's fine with eggs? said they aren't mushy they're "wiggly." you still have to bite them. she's so weird and adorable i love her so much

after dinner cleaned up immediately. with no sun chips to eat the girls are silent, not even senseable. no triggers. interesting to note that. that manic girl still tries to cheat with raisins but xenophon calls me back in and puts a stop to it. considering removing them all from the house anyway. we don't eat them anymore now that we're stabiizing and they hurt our teeth anyway.
craving carrots a lot. i think it's just the hard crunch. we store stress in our teeth. explains a lot of binge behavior. just want to bite and destroy. we have to be careful. need better outlet, need better anger management, need to deal with this hellish trauma in the first place


i am so tired and nauseous and sick. literally no capacity left to type; gonna go sleep it off.

UPMC PARTIAL DAY 02

11-11-22

I’m having some significant troubles with this online treatment thing.

My mood has PLUMMETED. I’m not sure why. Meals which I would enjoy on my own, I want to vomit as soon as I eat on camera. BUT I ate dinner with mom last night, and that was fine.

Just… here, I feel trapped in disorder, still. It’s ironic. I have to make meals that fit their “one entree three sides” mealplan, which has me obsessing for HOURS over “what would be acceptable on camera” and STILL give me balanced nutrition, not a hyperload of any macronutrient. But the hardest part is that “acceptable” bit. I would love to just eat intuitively, choosing what my body needs and what will properly sustain it. That’s my goal. I’m angry because I feel barred from that, with partial.

 

 

...I don’t like table talk. It’s always TV and pop music talk so far. It’s frustrating.

I’m trying to do my Bible study instead which is helping. I finished Job 19, with that beautiful and aching final paragraph. There’s so much to reflect upon. I miss this. I love my faith.

I want to dive into that, not food. I’m tired of this focus on diet. Even in recovery.

 

 

I’m so tempted to just… log off and quit.

 

I don’t want to scandalize anyone, but… I’m so upset. I don’t know what to do.

 

I want to keep trying. Somehow. I’ll do it. I have to. I can’t just ragequit. That’s not right.

 

 

...Why am I so frustrated? I feel sick, emotionally. Inpatient wasn’t like this. Perhaps it’s the lack of “solitude,” ironically, now with ten people staring at me through the webcam for six hours. It feels claustrophobic.

 

I WANT to eat. I WANT to be healthy and recover. I just legitimately worry that this program isn’t the best fit for me.

 

But jeepers this is only day two. I have to give it more time.

 

Maybe the groups will be better today. We’ll see.

 

 

 

...At home, I’m never alone. I’m really not.

 

Genesis is ghosting with me in public again, thank God, thank God. I miss him so much; he’s such a firework. He always keeps me stable, too, which I appreciate so much. He tries a little too hard sometimes, I think, but I still am so glad that he pushes me to be honest and unafraid and optimistic and hopeful. I need his golden light. Maybe I should focus on him today, remember how much I love him, too, and what he means to me-- who he is, in and of himself. That’s an “emotion regulation” skill anyway-- to build positive emotions, be mindful of them, and distract from these worries.

 

 

I can’t get over how distressing this partial thing feels. I’m legitimately grouchy. This isn’t me. What’s going on? What’s causing this response?

Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. What am I forgiving? Forgiveness requires an injury, a loss, a grieving of some sort. Am I grieving the loss of freedom, of silence, of peace, of creative joy? I can’t even vacuum my apartment. I can’t get to church. I keep worrying about the program.

...I would worry on my own, too, though, right now. At least, until I figure out a sustainable, nutritious mealplan, where I get enough calories on an even schedule.

 

Flexible mind. Be open. Be curious. I CAN still learn something from this. I need to keep an open mind. ...I need to keep an open heart.

 

 

...God, isn’t that relevant. That is what I want to talk about.

…We’ll get there, though. I can’t pour my heart on on that honestly until I get my emotions settled out more. No pushing things under rugs. I need to vacuum anyway, remember?

 

 

“I feel nauseous, so I must be disgusted.” Emotional reasoning distortion. I think that’s part of this, unconsciously.

 

 

On that note, here’s the current group homework-lesson: every night, list three positive experiences &/or good things that you are grateful for today. Focus on that. I can absolutely think of a lot already.

Focus on gratitude. Give thanks ALWAYS, in ALL situations, for THIS is God’s Will for you, in Christ Jesus.

Even this. Especially this, maybe. Crosses are sacred. This is definitely one.

 

 

 

So. I need Nousfoni help. I NEED System help.

Nousfoni HOLD emotions. If I just…. Give this sick feeling to someone who’s special heart is anchored to it, who exists TO process and manifest that feeling, we can heal it together. We can understand the emotions and their roots because NOW they are given a face and a heart that I love and that AREN’T “just me.” Isn’t that weird? When emotions feel “just MINE,” they feel… distant. Disconnected. Foreign. Like… they’re a virus, something in me that’s NOT me but that is just there. BUT when a NOUSFONI takes it on and holds it, and the nausea is SOMEONE, then… even feeling nauseous makes me feel them. I know they’re there, and I CAN endure it, and even be affectionate about it. It’s such a holy paradox. Yes it IS holy, because LOVE IS HOLY, always, and this IS love. THIS is “embracing the Cross.” THIS is realizing and saying, “GOD gave me this little suffering in order to GROW VIRTUE in me.” God is my lapidary, and I am His Jewel. Always. I cannot ever lose that name, I am realizing. Yes, even if Archie Comics named an adorable beetle after me, haha. But I cannot “rename myself” just because of that conflict. I can have other names, for other aspects of me, AS me-- just like my beloved does, actually, don’t forget that-- but deep down in my heart, I’m still Jewel. That’s a TITLE, more than anything. It still holds all the magic of my childhood and the Dream World. When I think of my name, I think of that.

...But I do need a “grown-up” name, a System name. That I must admit. “Jewel Lightraye” is my LEAGUE name, my CREATIVE name, my WORLDJUMPER name. It’s my TITLE, my OFFICE, my JOB. But… I’m sure I have a more personal name, too. Even just a different surname, even, like Nousfoni have. Now that’s an intriguing thought. I’ll definitely give that more reflection when I’m not in group!

 

 

In any case I’ve gotta start those gratitude & self-reflection journals I got at inpatient. Those will help, I’m sure.

But there’s the frustration again. “I can’t do that when I have to be in partial all day!”

 

Well, keep one on your desk! Do a page BEFORE Partial, if you’re up early enough! Do one right after, to settle your mind! I HAVE to shoehorn nice things in, despite the program restraints. I can’t let that get me down.

 

 

Challenge two: “what would I like to change in my life/ attitude, to make positive things more permanent and frequent in my life?”

 

I definitely want to drop the grumpiness. Maybe I can take some notes from Care Bears, honestly. I wonder if a Grumpy plush would help. He’ll sit next to Cheer, remind me of the intrinsic connection between stormclouds and rainbows. I like that a lot. ...It reminds me of a certain someone, too, obviously. But we’ll get back to that.

Make good things into habits. Practice them! Stick them into every day, even as little bubbles of joy, no matter what.

 

Heck I can do that even now. Even outside of this group. I can always have something beautiful in another window. I can always keep something nice on my desk. I wonder if I can even write poetry. Gosh I miss oneword. That’s GOTTA be part of my new daily routine. SCHEDULE IT IN BOY!

Three good things since waking up:

 

1. A gentle rain outside, silver-soft skies, and autumn leaves like copper pennies over the emerald grass

2. The “jazz” apple I had for breakfast; it wasn’t sour and didn’t hurt my teeth. It was surprisingly enjoyable, even if I don’t have data for it… yet! I’ll definitely make a note to try some again. I’m actually looking forward to discovering my FAVORITE kind of apple; it’s a little thing and sounds silly but actually, it’s a precious tiny sweet grateful joy. It’s a genuine appreciation for a special little part of God’s Creation. And I was so scared of apples for so long, from the stomach pain I used to get from fruit. But that is decreasing markedly. I enjoy them again now, like I used to when I was younger. For goodness’ sakes, they’re crunchy and red; what’s not to like? And they taste like TWO seasons-- some taste like summer, some like autumn, and that’s beautiful. But I’m gonna find my favorite. I should write down things I like about EVERY meal, actually. That will help. I’ll get a little journal to do that; either that or start a Word document here. Maybe here. That way I can directly publish things, and my thoughts hit the “paper” faster. Nevertheless! Apples! I like the Jazz ones apparently! Thank You God for fruit, it’s really cool stuff. It GROWS ON TREES! Honestly just think about how NEAT that is. Food in general is SO FASCINATING. You realize that ALL food is either a PLANT or body tissue? Like… even eggs, they’re what new things are BORN from. that’s crazy. And apples GROW ON TREES I can’t get over how cool that is. Gosh I’m legit hype over the phenomenon of fruit. This is definitely a mood booster, haha. Thank You God AGAIN.

3. My little Celebi plushie, and how just looking at her reminds me of the genuine joy she practically incarnates-- the smell of spring, the vibrant green of trees after rain, the endless adventure of the woods, komorebi. I look at her and I remember what it felt like to FIRST be Jewel, back in 2001, the name just as new as the flowers she blessed and just as full of faith in the future-- bright and shining and real and promised. There WILL be a “tomorrow,” even if it never “gets here.” This too shall pass, but this moment is still eternal. Gorgeous paradoxes.

 

 

Gratitude point number four.

 

Chaos 0.

 

…

 

 

 

Today is 11/11. Let me say that first. Armistice day.

 

Today makes me think of Celebi, for the poppy flowers. For time, and hope, and healing.

But for some reasons 1111 as a number makes me think of CZ. I’m not sure why, but… if I had to offer the first association in my heart, it’s July 7^th. Hope in its most heartachingly intense form.

 

 

...Yesterday, he ghosted with me.

I had just gotten home from getting groceries for mom & myself, and was carrying all the stuff down the sidewalk. Genesis showed up again, but… the domestic feeling of everything just pulled at my heartstrings and… I was afraid to ask. Genesis insisted, I know that, and left with a genuine smile, his sparkler-bright vibe blinking out to be replaced by a feeling like the tide breaking through-- a gentle but heavy rush, deep water moving in to fill everything with strength and softness. It felt like someone had just poured a river into my heart. And there he was, walking with me, looking at me with those eyes, speaking without speaking.

I forgot how he “talks” in that sense, his “default” language-- emotion, not words. I wonder if he hears like that, too. ...or at least, I know he does for me. We’re too close. No, we’re not close enough. But we’re too close to hide anything, and thank God. And that’s why he was looking at me like that, with love and inquiry and ache and tiredness. How do I even summarize what that all “said?” He talks in bundles-- several sentiments all wrapped up together, as some new whole… and inevitably received as a gift, even when it hurts.

“It’s about time” that I called him into my life, yet “I missed you so much” and “why don’t we do this more often” and “are you going to let me into your life here too?” He knew how badly I wanted this and yet how inexplicably I resisted it-- the ambivalence between soul and skin, the awful conflict between who I WAS in my soul and who I was “stuck” being in the body.

 

...

 

I ate breakfast with him, both of us sitting by the window.

 

He was just sitting on the floor by the bookshelf, looking at me and the world outside, a perfectly content look in his eyes. I wondered at this, and asked him if he was all right just sitting there, especially while I was eating-- I wasn’t doing anything special, and he didn’t have to stick around.

 

He replied, “I’m just sharing life with you. That’s special enough.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(add to this later; posting for now so it’s up)

 

CHILDREN

Are a gift from God

 

 

ABUSE YEARS WERE ABORTIVE.

 

FIRST LEGITIMATE "CONJUGAL" YEAR: 2013? (INFINITII)

 

Bizarrely our Core was MALE at that time. So WHO BORE THE CHILDREN???

OR DID THEY ALL GET PUT INTO PREGNANT BLACKSPACE?

Infinitii did hint at this being the case. Black has always been the ultra-feminine color in the System, representing the “womb” concept in a cosmic sense. NOT PAGAN. More like, God brought everything out of nothing—He brought Light out of Darkness. Essentially, through the Holy Male influence (Light), the Female influence (Dark) was made Holy too, and BIRTH=CREATION OCCURRED.

As above so below: WHENEVER there is a MALE+FEMALE UNION, there is INEVITABLY A CREATION. THIS IS GOD'S DESIGN AND IT STANDS TRUE.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 

CORES:

 

JAY, CERISE (2013?)

JAY, WHITE (2011-2012?)

A JEWEL??? (would have to be leaning cerise)

PARTNERS:

CHAOS ZERO (aqua)

GENESIS (amber)

INFINITII (black)

CELEBI (lime)

VENTRIUM (cerise?)

TOSHINSEI (?)

 

"poly" time period did involve Rio & Markus? but there is no "directness" felt there

 

DO HACKS COUNT??? OR NOT, BECAUSE THE PERPETRATORS WERE NOTABLY TYPICALLY FEMALE????

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

KIDS WE KNOW OF:

 

XENOPHON YONAH LEPHISE (purple) = CHAOS 0 + JAY-EROS?

 

“blue crystal bug” (cyan?) = CELEBI + JAYCE

 

“SHINZOU” (paintblot moth) ? (gold?) = ???

 

…

…

 

 

Children “appear” via PAREIDOLIA; in paintblots, bloodsinks, waterwhite, etc.

1231. Sunday.
Last day of 2017.


------------------

Morning notes from bed:

Socials COULDNT admit multiplicity, Broke their job
Wanting That intimacy w EVERYONE
i.e. they were always seeking relationships outside that could NEVER match the inside intimacy they already had but could NOT admit because then they COULDN'T FUNCTION AS SOCIALS. caused tons of problems

q, y introjects
former is "libris." we know he exists, we've spoken to him outside of memory. tied to the "jewel" of that time, NOT a jewel i don't think? not even a bloodline? not sure.
Jackie too, Alex, jmc, etc?
Roles in the system? Memories?

talking about Jude, jennifer

Laurie, fear of love being used, action movie cliche ("if you love them, i'll hurt them to hurt You")

Check your facts!!
Jo's history? Why skulls?

-----------------------

the rest of the day:

went to chile's for new year's dinner with the fam!
the trip up we Were worried; some social girl was Panicking that we'd "have to eat trigger foods" but we told her no we didn't have to, love we're sure they have good options. just calm down, whatever happens we will deal with it together. let's be happy and not expect the worst before anything even happens. so she did! and when we actually got into the place and got the menu, she was so profoundly relieved, she let us take over totally. god bless her, she's learning and healing too.
btw i think that green spider daemon was advising her too. i have that distinct impression. no idea who he's tied to yet though. iscah was also offering her support, with her religious positivity, "eat what is given to you" out of love and trust, never fails for her. her faith is true and sweet, it's actually very refreshing in light of the traumatic religious upbringing and toxic religious environment our past was saturated with.
but man. the place was so cozy and good. we had such a good time.
kristanova got his birthday steak!! he gave us two bites and it was AMAZING. he gets it rare and bloody and the texture and taste is just divine. man. we've never had it like this before meeting him and we don't blame him for enjoying it so much. we also have Feelings about meat, although we don't like eating it much we do respect it.
we personally got cilantro-lime salmon and oh man it was fantastic. so good. it had the good-blackened bits at the bottom which have the best taste and texture ever. we were worried about ordering actually; salmon Almost became a HUGE trigger food thanks to UPMC, and certain preparations of it still are. but this wasn't. we thoroughly enjoyed it.
we also got chicken and waffles in lieu of dessert, but the waffles actually made us super sick so we didn't finish them. smart. our stomach just doesn't like white flour or sugar, so we have to remember that and be careful.
mason let us taste his tequila, and we ate the lemon and lime slices as usual. we also had honey-barbecue chicken (i think) as an appetizer, and the taste of the sauce was SO perfectly vermilion it called algorith out! so she actually ate it, and enjoyed it thoroughly. she was smiling so wide, just enjoying life in general so suddenly but completely. lord we love her. it was good to have her around.
we also had fried pickles, plain chicken tenders, spanish rice, steamed broccoli, honey mustard sauce, and a bite of oliver's cheesecake and mason's caramel cake. both Way too sweet for us but all we need is a crumb to know what it tastes like for data purposes. that cheesecake sauce is still cerise, and caramel isn't quite brown, but feels like it fits amber?? it's the warmth. also genesis, no one is surprised.

went to food lion on the way home and BOUGHT ROSE CHAMPAGNE.
finally after like 12 years the injoke becomes a reality, god bless
(of course we brought chaos zero's anchor plush into the living room with us as we drank it, he started this whole thing)
also bought lettuce, orange juice, and tiny candy canes-- green And red, last box in the store.

got home, ate that entire head of green leaf lettuce (a small one, mind) with ginger and soy sauce, while researching the cultural origin of saying "bless you" when someone sneezes. actually really fascinating, surprisingly applicable to headspace-- tying into the breath & the head, the soul and such. thinking upon that.
oliver researching heraldic beasts and they are GORGEOUS.
he drew OMEN in that style (rampant) and WOW she looks beautiful.

as the time wound down jewel brought ALL our plushes out into the room. it's her tradition.
celebi, unisalia, diancie, maitru, bistric, darkrai, chaos zero.

sat and cut out paper strips so we could write our names on them and visually "map out" who is on what level, what outspacers are tied to which cores, who holds what roles, etc. can't "brainstorm" that fluidly on a computer, it's impossible. we need to touch it, we need that open creativity.

watched the cnn livestream on oliver's laptop as the ball dropped in nyc.
kisses as the new year rolled over. best thing ever. always hoped we'd get to do that physically one day, not just in headspace. although in the past we always hoped it'd be physical With headspace people. this is just as good actually-- we're still kissing headspace people, aha. people we love with our entire collective heart.

apparently got a drunk buzz. dizzy, slight headache, everything super floaty. not a fan actually. too much like anaesthesia, plus we don't like alcohol.
gotta reason with the "social programming" nousfoni though, the ones that are looking for alcohol solely because they're "expected to" by previous life situation contexts. that "mimicry" problem is our biggest issue right now but it's also fairly easily overcome; if one of us steps in and helps them check their facts (hey jo!!), they can quickly realize that there's no actual want/need beneath that compulsion, and they can stop. the hard part is Getting to them; socials still exist on a subsystem so they're hard to reach yet, there's usually a barrier as well as time loss and heavy dissociation. but it lessens every day. and we connect with them after, always now. bridging that gap for good.
in any case apparently being drunk makes us even more affectionate and obsessed with research. again, no one is surprised.

jewel DREW A THING in our little sketchbook for new years!! the excitable jewel. we recognize her style. she drew preludove and wished us well in the new years and put little smiley faces under the exclamation points. we'll treasure it forever.
drew it half in 2017, half in 2018, the best way to do it.
oliver drew kyo and she looks so adorably gorgeous, gosh we love her so much.

stayed up until 1:45 or so. bodies too tired.
oliver couldn't stop kissing us and it was so sweet. thank god for pink champagne. hence the injokes.

we got hit by that feeling when we went to bed though. so much love we thought we'd die from the bliss, from this sudden aching need to just melt into them, inhabit the same space, wrap them up in our very bones. almost cried from it. blissful though. god how blessed we are to have this.

what a year. what a beautiful, terrible, unforgettable year. what a beloved endless time.
it felt like it lasted for eons. we don't solidly remember anything before we woke up in upmc. there's only distant snapshots, like from another life. and we cannot remember, at all, what it was like to live in that house in PA already.
our live really only began at the end of june this year. six months ago.
and now, here we are, going into that purple year, infinity sideways marking every day now. how fitting.

god bless 2017. best year of our life so far. thank you, thank you, thank you.
we can only imagine what lies ahead. good thing it's up to us to build it. we'll fill every moment with as much light as we can possibly muster. (and that's a lot, we have to admit.)

here's to the new year. here's to our new life.
happy 2018, everyone. we love you.


- the lotus cathedral system

 (Chaos Zero, 100%. ♥)



outside, in some sort of town square area, loose crowd about, seemed nervous but not agitated. i was looking for Chaos Zero-- i "couldn't find him" but i had this strong feeling that he was supposed to be with me there. 
as i was worrying about how to find him, the crowd anxiety picked up-- big planes flying overhead, military? thinking of "what really matters if I die now," settled on GOD. brief existential depression feeling, worrying if this meant loving anything BUT God was "wrong," but the thought was making me feel sick. pushed it aside. 
made a "hand phone" call to my dad, while still looking up at the sky, feeling determined now in the wake of that upset. immediately asked dad if he had seen my "partner" as i couldn't find him-- then said that was too paltry a term & flat-out called him my "wife-husband."

next thing i remember, i went in building nearby, japanese fellow "as" my dad? with a bunch of kids? hugging them & reassuring them of safety, re-directing them to new homes? I think I asked him about Chaos too. he didn't seem to grasp english too well but i somehow got the point across and he said no. scene was all very vague and confusing. i was starting to worry, feeling the fabric of the dream getting surreal, and went back outside.

began walking through crowds in the square again, looking around at the scenery and trying to figure out where to go next.
THEN suddenly, from this old "Sonic Unleashed"-esque stone gothic building in the square (reminded me of this in terms of general shape and structure), Chaos Zero rushes out looking around-- he sees me, exclaims "Jewel!" and runs over to embrace me. I'll never forget the look on his face.


(next bits blurry)
suddenly, "lugia" balloon crash? from over fields to left. hits bouncy castle thing full of kids, at the edge of the square? started looking like a boardwalk. Chaos and I getting the kids out & sending them to hide in this "below-groundlevel" garden area behind us? parents looking for them, but they were unkind? kids did not want to go with them, they were very scared. I remember genuinely considering "adopting" 2 little boys; one had gorgeous sunset-amberpink hair

then going inside somewhere (after kids?) holding a shark-bag?? literally a purse thing but it was a literal shark. bizarre. building inside looked like UPMC hospital groundfloor (chapel one) crossed w/ aquarium and the "boyle" house on dishonored? big spiraly stairwell going up, i was singing some "crooner" song that was REALLY gorgeous & sweet; painting Chaos & Robotnik on side of stairwell? like a mural. Chaos had this thin beaded necklace of sorts (very long, wound about hands) as a "weapon"?

-outside by old fam restaurant, guy parking his motorcycle; snowy out, "sprayed it w/ glass" to "lock" it up? my dad was there, laughing at how that was such an unneeded extra expense that new tech required? he took the spraycan and sprayed my back with it, "drawing a design"= orange-white, like bleach; white monkey-mouse thing on cross? crucified. smiling serenely, a demon being "forced out" of its lower reproductive area? nearby woman said it "represented what was happening to me."

then in a dining room in church basement, like OLotE parish; supposedly still UPMC. digital clock on wall kept skipping, rewinding, resetting time. it was tuesday's lunch meal= pizza, chocolate ensure, a salad with ranch dressing. i had an extra combo-snack exchange to use and asked for Doritos but somehow I "couldn't" eat them due to the messed-up time constrictions? i stayed after when everyone left; clock skipped back several times to impossible numbers= 72:36, -91.55, etc. numbers began to degenerate into broken symbols and then the clock died. i mentally asked celebi if she could "sneak in" and "rewind time" for me to before the meal began, so i could actually eat it at a wise, slow pace without rushing to meet a "broken clock;" unstated conception of celebi being able to "HEAL" that flow of time by the simple fact that SHE "touched it," even just to rewind it. oddly it also felt that the digital clock hadn't affected the present time flow in reverse, BUT had effectively rewound itself to "prehistoric" times? i actually felt worried about it, as if it were a conscious entity.

time did rewind-- assumedly celebi did so remotely; i felt her presence but didn't see her-- and now everyone else was eating but i was standing up at the far left of the room, against the wall, the up-stairwell behind me. chaos zero was there in front of me, looking exhausted like from worry & work, but joyful and relieved to see me... that sort of "profoundly grateful" quiet joy he shows. i kissed him but he returned it in honesty, whereas in last week's dream he was too sad to return it despite honesty-- and that deep love in my heart (oh how i missed it so) became so gorgeously brilliant that it hurt and i remember half-mumbling that "our hearts needed to be inside each other" because nothing else would accomplish the transcendent intimacy my entire soul was desperately seeking then. so we actually did try a soul-merge (overlay-style; body-of-light concept) and i recall there were a few people nearby giving us looks but i paid that no mind; all i knew, and all i was, was love.

 

 

 

(this entry was written stream of consciousness and left on the desktop. many unidentified people wrote and i am unsure how to label a lot of the conversational text, so i apologize.)



I'm terrified. I don't know what in the world has happened to me.
(generic "girl core" fronter typing; the "LJ" one)
It seems that, since I left the hospital, my conscience has disappeared. "I" wasn't at the hospital; Jay was. I'm here at home, as usual. BUT I'm like… 15. I'm not the one driving most of the day.
I mean, yeah, I can be problematic. I know. I'm too casual. I try to live like I did at my age and that's not smart or sustainable anymore.
But we're all worried because, lately, that wild-haired mom-smell girl from 2006-2007 has been fronting, and her heart is cold and hard as granite, and she does not care about anything but food, and she's a horrible person.
She's in league with the thief, too-- the manic-energy girl who looks kind of like her but has a thinner vibe, and wilder eyes, and whose energy hurts like a bee sting. That girl has no conscience either, but she at least has feeling. That may be used to our advantage.
But, the worst girl, the one who ONLY comes out at home, has no feeling at all, nothing but flat empty hatred and rage and apathy and indifference and selfishness and compulsive time-killing wasteful crap. She's evil, in the worst way, and she's the scariest thing I've ever seen.

Let me say, flat-out, ALL the things they've been doing lately, because no one's been writing about them as a result of them commandeering the driver's seat and as a result of that, no one's been calling them out on their sins.





+ The manic stealer started thieving about… three months ago? At the discount store, one day she didn't have enough money to buy a box of fig cookies (when that was her current addiction), and in a rare spasm of guilty sin, she peeled a price sticker off a different, cheaper box and put it over that one. Well, the cashier almost caught her-- they realized the sticker looked funny and almost called her out on it but didn't. But in that instant, the manic girl felt REAL terror. She did, once. The whole ride home she felt like she should be guilty and she was sobbing and screaming over it, but the scary part is that she didn't ACTUALLY regret doing it. She regretted almost getting CAUGHT. And that's her core vice. She WANTED that food; she wanted it so badly she was willing to CHEAT to get it. And she got it. So, even if part of her knew that changing the price tag wasn't right somehow, she didn't understand how, because "she wanted it" and she didn't steal it, right? But she lied. She lied, and she committed an injustice, and she acted unfairly and she tricked the cashier and she was overall acting in selfish gluttonous greed. But she can't see any of that. To her, she just wanted the food, and she got it.

+ We've been praying the Solemn Novena to Saint Ann since last weekend, outright begging her to pray to God for us to stop this food addiction as soon as possible, as safely as possible, and yet by whatever means necessary. Well IT'S BEEN HAPPENING.
On Wednesday, miss thief committed the WORST EVIL I can even imagine, because she went back to that discount store and decided she was going to change the price of EVERYTHING she bought.
This time, we let her.
Why?
Because we KNEW she wouldn't get away with it.
So she spent THREE ENTIRE HOURS going through this store, brazenly ripping labels off and switching them in plain sight, chattering to herself all the while, God only knows what else because we have no memory of it save one or two snapshots when guilt and/or doubt just barely crept through enough to make it "existential" and therefore allow it to become accessible data. (That's how memory works; you NEED self-awareness or nothing sticks, and vicious voices are, by definition, NEVER actually self-aware in their behavior.) But she jammed an entire overflowing cart full of cheating groceries, and then when she was going down the dried fruit aisle, an employee stopped her. "I need to see the price on something," she said, and picked up a bag of cherries from her cart. Shoving on a plastic smile (easy for her because she can convince herself she isn't doing anything "bad"), miss manic let her. The employee then said, "these bags are a different price," to which the thief said "oh I'm sorry, I'll put that one back and get another one." So she did, but I knew the employee suspected something.
And lo and behold, God worked his fearsome glorious power when she got to the cash register.
They wouldn't let her check out.
They called the manager over.
Then the manager looked at her and said, "I need to check the prices on these items. We have cameras everywhere, you know."
Miss thief smiled and nodded, "sure, go ahead," but then she realized this was not going to work. Solid, real, paralyzing fear choked her, and immediately she knew she was dead in the water. The manager was peeling stickers off everything, and even though this thief had been smart-- she didn't put any stickers over other stickers, she flat-out replaced them all-- all they had to do was check the cameras to see her guilt. And, again, even if she didn't understand the guilt, even if her black heart couldn't grasp or comprehend "why cheating was wrong," (because, after all, she was paying, and she wanted it, right?) she knew that she was caught.
She said, flat-out, that she needed to "be somewhere" and she LEFT THE CART AT THE REGISTER and walked out the door.
The instant we stepped outside, she disappeared.
Jay was pushed out, and he jumped for joy.
Needless to say, the hell of the discount store is FINALLY OVER. We've been trying to pull the plug on that addictive cycle since before Christmas, with no lasting success (despite lots of little victories) because it was still accessible. Well no more!!! Now we literally HAVE to avoid that store, FOREVER, and THANK GOD FOR THAT.
You know what's the best part though?
Afterwards, we looked through what data we had as to what she was trying to buy.
Cereal, dried fruit, coconut, ice cream, chips, cookies, etc…
She had a cart full of at least $100 of JUNK WE COULDN'T EAT.
She literally would have blown 1/4 of our entirely monthly pay, on garbage that would have ended up thrown up AND thrown out, wasting hours of time on self-abuse in the process.
So we just barely survived a horrific disaster there, THANK GOD.
Oh, but even better. Jay was sobbing with joy the entire drive home then, singing "it's over! it's finally over!" and then he realized, with a sort of giddy shock, that this had been foreshadowed. How? Because THIS episode of SU aired the night before.
So yeah. Synchronicity too. How's THAT for reassurance from God?

(different author)
+ Miss manic also got a cleaver shoved into her lying ass yesterday, because now that she can't go to the discount store anymore, she went back to her OLD addiction, which was pocketing food from the bulk section at Wegmans. I don't know when THAT started, or how, but it began with candied ginger, then turned to cherries and dates, and now it's just figs. She'll go to the bulk aisle and just grab six, seven figs, shove them in her pocket, and go out the door.
(author switchback)
THAT'S why she's in cahoots with the numb hateful one, because SHE has no conscience and when the manic thief feels misgivings about her actions, the numb-bad one comes out and just does it. Well NO MORE!! Because yesterday, she grabbed five figs, and JAY caught her, and put two back, but the other three were buried in our pocket and he couldn't get them out. So, sadly and sickly, he decided he'd just toss them when we got home because eating them would be wrong (but miss thief said no, she wanted them, "why waste them?" nevermind that we ALL know we vomit from fruit and they WOULD have ended up in the garbage one way or another, "don't waste food" my ass).
Then we got to the cash register.
AND ANOTHER MANAGER SHOWED UP.
She looked at miss thief and said, effectively, "I just want you to know that the food in the bulk section is sold by the pound. So, if you wanted any, now would be a good time to pay for that." I can't quote exactly because it was EXTREMELY passive-accusatory, but in a good way, because she was just. She didn't flat-out say, "hey thief, get that damn fruit out of your pocket and pay for it or else," but she KNEW, and put us on the spot either way.
So in a jumble of brain-switching, she dissolved again, and Jay took over, and marched back to the bulk section, where he emptied our pockets into the garbage can and put the figs back on the shelf. He then left the store and ended up laughing from shaken joy again, "thank God," because now she can't pull THAT shit again either, after several months of us being afraid to even go IN that store because of her!!
Needless to say, we'll have to avoid that store now too. GOOD. The less access we have to possible addictive spending, the better.

+ There's one problem. The devil must have put the thought into our heads because we never would have thought of it ourselves. After all this stuff blew over, therefore destroying the current addictive post-old-hacker cycle, the evil influences decided "nope, we need a NEW addiction now."
And then someone spent $60 FREAKING DOLLARS in an Indian import store.
Which they then THREW OUT ON THE LAWN when we got home because HEY GUESS WHAT WE'RE ALLERGIC TO SESAME SEEDS.
I am FREAKING FURIOUS over this shit.
(who is this?? it's not Laurie and it's not Spice, they're faceless but they feel familiar?? is it tiger lily????)
I have to say though, the Indian food thing is weird because part of our brain DOES want it? Like it was actually craving the food. Not from a shallow taste way the way the thief girl does-- our body hates sugary food and REJECTS IT and the thought of it makes us want to vomit, but the manic voices FORCE IT because they"want it" even if our entire body actually shudders at the thought of eating dried fruit or ice cream or even just brown sugar. The manics force it anyway, God knows why, but THAT needs to stop too.
But yeah, with the Indian food, we bought a bag of gathia (it has the best texture EVER) and we actually wanted to eat the whole thing AND keep it down. But no can do; too many carbs. We ended up in a horrific vomiting meltdown as a result. We need to be more careful.

+ Problem #2 with the Indian food. Someone (not the thief!!) found ANOTHER store in a different city yesterday, and bought some stuff there, and brought it home and valiantly tried to eat it, AND save it, but… well, one of the things they bought was rice, which caused instant vomiting, and then the other thing STILL had sesame in it so we ended up with a racing heartbeat and welts all over our face again. Which was terrifying, and caused ANOTHER excruciating vomiting meltdown.
But. Problem #2 is that, those were only two of the foods we got.
We did get more ganthiya, and they DID eat and enjoy it, which was nice, but then they mixed it with garbage and chucked it. So even though we tried to save it, they ruined it.
As for the rest of the food we got? All the sev and channa dal and bhujia and boondi? They THREW IT OUT ON THE LAWN. AGAIN.
…And then an hour later they decided they still wanted to eat it.
So they did.
Now you kids probably don't know about this, but the worst bingers and abusers and general bad food alters have this thing where they are convinced they are only allowed to eat garbage. We've mentioned that, but have we mentioned that they will eat literal garbage instead of good food, on purpose? And that even if we DO have good healthy food which we and the body are desperately craving, the bad food alters will decide "no, we don't deserve that, we deserve shit," and they will instead find all the scraps of food in the house, whether or not we can tolerate it, whether or not it even should be put in our mouth, and eat those.
Well, not quite. 99% of the time there's no eating going on. It's all frantic chewing and spitting, vomiting and coughing, general horrible suffering stuff.
So whoever this alter was, went out on the lawn yesterday, and "scavenged" for all the little noodles and lentils and things. They claim they had "a lot of fun" AND the girl author from before claims they DID, but in concept.
(back to her)
Now I didn't do it, but I can feel the vibe from it and we DID have fun, because it was scavenging. It was LOOKING for stuff out in the forest and it was fun in that respect. It would have been the same thing picking berries, or looking for tiny flowers, or four leaf clovers, or tiny cool rocks, or something. Just the act of miniscule finding is that we really enjoyed. The whole thing of being outside, totally occupied in a trancelike behavior, something with searching, felt so much like what we miss from childhood, that YES it was fun, YES it was comforting, but the problem was that there are bugs outside and rotten food and mold and animal hair and bird feathers and stuff and this alter was kneeling in strange plants and picking through dead leaves to find little scraps of lahsun sev and eat them, because they wouldn't eat them out of the bad. No, they had to BECOME JUNK first, then they were considered "edible." Isn't that bizarre??
(author switch)
It's because garbage "belongs to no one," therefore they "won't get in trouble" if they eat it, as they aren't depriving anyone else of food by eating it, and they aren't "being selfish by demanding to eat good food" instead. It's a twisted thought process and it's sad because it has potentially good roots, but it's completely misapplied and it just ends up with us getting sick,
(back)
Yeah!! Because miss scavenger was getting bits of cat hair and dead leaves and God knows what else in her hands with the bits of food, and there were bugs biting us all over, and God also knows whether or not those plants were irritants, who knows, but she kept shoving things in her mouth and chewing them up and spitting them back out because EVEN THEN she's terrified of swallowing anything dense, and the worst part is that she still enjoyed it. There was something about the whole thing that she actually took comfort in, and I don't know if it's the "lack of guilt" like you said, about garbage not being anyone else's property, but I don't know. It just makes me sad that she's using OUR BODY to do this, and then we end up sick and nauseous and bedridden and we're wondering why, and the instant we get better she's running back out the door to do the same thing.
How do you REASON with these alters when they have NO SENSE OF SELF in order to even function that way/ exist???
Abusive alters never have a real sense of self, or a concept of real existence; they're like semiconscious programs just shoved into the body,

+ Celebi was singing to the numb-bad alter (the queen of horrid) when she was wasting ANOTHER box of raisin bran THAT BELONGED TO OUR MOTHER, and Celebi was bitter and heartbroken and angry and singing "what good is a friendship when you would choose your addictions over me" and "you claim you love me but you've never even said the word" and basically, calling her out on her crap, that this numb girl CLAIMED to be the "host" or "core" or whatever, part of a bloodline, but she ISN'T. This girl claims to hold all that inherited stuff but she DOESN'T and she's just a STONE COLD LIAR and Celebi knows, and she hates it, she just wants Jewel back, she just wants this to stop. We all do.
The numb girl loves killing time. She doesn't care about anyone but herself.
//
Celebi also noted that this girl is full of hatred and rage, not just apathy, which is bizarre but true. She has no feeling, no conscience at all, but below the surface there is always this slow awful boiling buzz of fury, God knows why; we can't detect a motive OR object for it, it's just there, churning away with horrific intensity.
//
So she chewed through another box of raisin bran and threw it all out on the lawn again and then threw up like 5 glasses of water just in case we did swallow anything and now we owe the mother ANOTHER 5 dollars and I am so sick of this.

+ She ate an ENTIRE FRUITCAKE that the mom spent WEEKS making, and we're both heartsick and terrified because how do you replace THAT????? That's TONS of money and time, all flour and dried fruit and alcohol and we can't just apologize for that shit, not when we didn't even WANT it to happen, not when our mother refuses to accept this D.I.D. shit in the first place, which we don't blame her for because it's a pain in the ass with all these abusive alters. We don't want them either.
But it's existentially terrifying when you have to admit they do exist. For us now, for me right now, they're concepts. I've never seen them, never met them. But there's awareness of their actions, like a bad paper trail, and it's jarring in a morally terrifying way to realize that their sins are on our hands and tied to OUR FACE and no one outside would even know the difference between those girls and the rest of us. The very awareness of that makes us want to vomit, even worse when we realize that they are KILLING US in the process and how do we stop them??
HOW THE HECK DO WE STOP THEM??? THIS HAS TO STOP!!!!! FOREVER!!!! ASAP!!!! OR WE'RE GOING TO DIE.
We're going to die.

Does anyone else realize that?
That they're literally killing us now, with their apathetic or manic sinful behavior?
The old hackers were spiritually murderous, that's true. They took our soul and brain and hacked at them with horrific intensity, nonstop, for ten years. They made us WANT to die, daily, nightly, just to be free. But we at least existed in contrast to them back then. We WANTED to be free, we FOUGHT, we atoned, we did everything we could to stand up to them. And we won, at long last, we won for good.
This isn't so "easy," and I say that bitterly and ironically.
Food you can't run from. At least we don't know how yet. The body currently needs food to live.
And yes, we can live on little. We can live on vegetables and be happy, we've done it before; the body gets more energy and happiness that way anyway.
But these girls won't let us. And I say that with furious reluctance, because it's not about giving up, it's about them having TOO MUCH INFLUENCE and power here. We WANT this to stop, but they don't, God knows why, and when we try to stop, they step in with cold heartless compulsion and say "no I don't want to stop" and they don't.
I need to emphasize just how hollow they are. They don't exist outside of their addictive behavior. Lock them in an empty room, or force them to sit som

(sudden xanga style)
THAT'S important too!!! They really only exist for the most part AROUND OTHER PEOPLE.
Not quite?
Yeah but the SHOPPING. I think?
They come home to an empty house and STILL binge.
Yeah but it's OUR HOUSE. Have you ever felt the vibe of that place? It's FILTHY. It feels like binge addictions. The place is a depressing dirty mess. No wonder they binge.
Remember, NO ONE binges on the porch!! And even the crudpile girl, she felt like she was actually trying to do right with eating, even if she messed up in the application of the process!! It's going IN THE HOUSE that we have trouble, because it feels wrong.
So you think we should try to eat outside from now on?
It's worth a shot. I mean we had no trouble at ALL at the hospital, right? That's why Jay keeps trying to go back to it.
Good point.
So we've gotta try. Maybe that's all we can do right now, is take the power away from that context for those girls before they can do more harm. Give us time to recover so we can FIX things at last.
But we need downtime first.
Right.


More than anything, we need time to ourselves. We need time to be ourselves.
At our computer, the thought of eating, let alone bingeing or abusing, doesn't exist. Here at this computer, awareness is internal, eternal, infinite, creative, open. Everything is head-based. It's wonderful. The outside world and its angst and depressing loops disappears. All that grungy, oppressive, rectangular-small burning vibe of stores and houses disappears and we feel safe, here at a laptop, everything feels big and white and wide open. We adore it, so much.

The Indian food stores have a horrible vibe to them. Import stores feel like that in general, I remember the vibe of the Asian ones in SLC, they had a slightly different color due to content but the same shape and temperature. Synaesthetically, they're all cramped rectangles. Like… there's no "open space." It's like a brick, and everything is compressed into it, and it's awful. The Indian food stores feel reddish, and too hot, and too square, just like their food tastes. All that dense spiciness is hellish to the synaesthetic senses. "You are what you eat" and it's TRUE, so why in the world would you want to swallow anything that makes you feel like THAT???
Problem is, it tastes good. Problem is, something about it is good, but that darn density kills us. We allegedly used to like spicy food, but ugh, no more, if we ever really did. The thought of eating spices makes us grimace. It's not just because of the summer heat-- it's because of the heat in general! We do NOT like heat, at all. So putting that in our body is awful.
But see, there's the issue. Someone keeps buying spicy food because THEY like it. Who is it?? Who likes spicy food and keeps eating it even if it makes the rest of us AND the body sick?? We gotta find them and talk to them, if possible. (Most socials can't be talked to as they don't "really exist" as people, remember.)
The smell is worse. There's a fetid hotness to the spice that makes our stomach flip even when smelling an empty bag now. Isn't it crazy that one alter can love this stuff genuinely, and then everyone else thinks it's disgusting? How can you get such a switch in preferences like that, such a total break in perception? It's so weird, and it's exhausting, and it makes me want to cry sometimes, thinking about how much we have to fix, and don't know how.

The bad alters kept borrowing money to feed their addictions. Yes, they did. They got us all into horrible debt again. AGAIN. We just barely paid off their LAST debt, which was disgustingly huge-- literally, they owed people about two freaking thousand dollars from the past three years, and thank God we finally paid most of it off, but we STILL have $300 lingering on that tab, PLUS $550 from last month alone.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GIRLS EVEN DOING THAT YOU'RE SPENDING SO MUCH DAMN MONEY?????
They're wasting it is all.
Yeah but on WHAT???????
Consider that they just spent $60 freaking dollars on Indian food in one day, then went back the next day and spent $40 more.
$100 dollars on SHIT in 24 hours??? How the hell are they even getting AWAY with this???
Because we're not around.
…
We haven't been around. None of us have. And although we're here now, they're not. They can't be. They don't exist in safe environments, by their very function, just as we don't usually exist in unsafe ones.
So you're telling me they're built to be shitheads???
Basically.
So what do we do?? How do we even stop them if we're not allowed to shove in over their function capacity, when they're SUPPOSED to be shit??
*I don't think any part of our psyche should fit that definition, at any point. None of us should ever be "supposed" to be bad. And the very fact that we have some alters that do fit that broken label, is the biggest problem in and of itself. Something in our brain decided that, in order to survive, we had to develop an inherently "bad" alter to do it. Those girls.
Yeah but survive what?? What are they surviving?? They're KILLING us!!!
I think maybe they think that's the better option, if they're even aware of it, and that alone is scary. But like you said before, or one of you, that one girl who eats garbage? She genuinely believes that is the morally better option, rather than eating good healthy food, because she things self-care is a sin.
Bullshit. Look at what it's doing to the rest of us.
Yeah, but tell her that. She might not even be aware that the rest of us exist, and probably isn't, due to her function as a social.
So what do we do?
…Like the other girl said, the good one. Take time away from them. Stop killing Celebi. Stop taking away our life because they don't know how to exist. We do. So we need to. And we need to meditate more too. It's exhausting for me to type right now, let alone stay conscious, let alone stay unsplintered, because it's been months since I was functioning properly and months since any of our true System members were running the show. And you guys aren't on my level either, so talking to you is excruciating, and it's making all of us suffer from the level split.
Yeah, we can barely reach you or talk at this point. One of us has gotta go or these links are gonna break all at once.
Depends. You want to type more? Or should I take over and try to at least center out, or type differently before we go to bed?
What time are we going to bed? 2? Again? That's not good either.
Oh geez, I don't know. Today feels like it was a blur. What does the data say?
We got sick, suffice to leave it at that. Girl eating garbage off the crudpile, lots of vomiting, someone eating chocolate and peanut btuter and fruitcake. Bullshit.
All right, that's terrifying, that NEEDS to stop. No wonder there's a haze of sheer panic hanging over this body. But guys, I am slipping badly, I can't talk with a level split without losing myself and you guys are suffering too.
You type then. You need data, you ask us, or the Archivists. I'm getting too System-aware to stay downstairs at this point, so I'm calling it quits. I'll see you around. Good luck, and fix this if you can, all right? We're counting on you.
We'll do our best. I will, and so will everyone else up here. We have to do it in unity. That's the only way we'll ever succeed.
Tell that to the ones downstairs who don't give a shit.
We're trying. And hey, I like you. Keep up the good work, whoever you are, I'm counting on you too.
Hey, thanks. I will.





So, who the heck was that?
No idea, but they're cool. It's deeply reassuring to realize that people like that exist on the downstairs level.
Holy swords, does this count as a Xanga session???
Partly?
Oh thank God, my prayers have been answered. Thank God.
Hahah.
No, really! This shit is picking up lately, you notice? Problems being solved so fast, after months of nothing happening on the home front? Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Oh, and what's this about Pokemon Go?
Oh man, that’s right, they didn't mention that.
Yeah, about how we're so much in debt, we're literally going to be living in poverty all of next month because our entire SSI check is going to go towards paying that off instead of saving up for a smartphone or buying food.
Preferably both.
Yeah, no shit man, but you get what I mean.
…I do. And Celebi was upset about that too.
So I heard. …She was singing about it?
Pure stream-of-consciousness song, yeah. The sort of gorgeous thing that the Jewel line only ever used to get. Probably the only reason that abuser girl even heard it in the first place was because Celebi was directing it towards her, and she was in enough of an empty-headed trance state to hear it in the first place. She didn't care though.
…I am so  bloody furious over this shit, you know that?
Which shit?
The absolute waste of time and life, and watch your damn mouth, kid, don't slip on me. We've been out of tune for way too bloody long, but don't you get lax, or you'll slip into the Jayce bloodline disaster and we all know what happened there.
…You're right. I'm deeply sorry, Laurie, I really lost sight of who I was there for a minute.
Yeah, I know. Watch the facial hair, dude, you don't have a goatee. He does. You're not him, and I don't want you acting like him, capisce?
Capisce.
Heh. No really, kid. Watch what you're doing, remember who you are. We all have to be really freaking vigilant from now on, no matter how "excruciating" it may be.
Oh, did you catch that though? How no one's ever really noticed that before?
The level splits? We know that, kid, everyone suffers when trying to operate in an environment they weren't built for.
Yeah, but… there was something new about it. The explanation as to why it's so hard TO talk to those people.
Oh yeah, good point! I never even considered it that way. You can't even talk to someone on that level from here because it doesn't even translate to their level in that sense.
Yeah! So it's not that we're not trying, it's that there are too many boundaries in the way acting as obstacles. We need people on that level to talk to them, that way they can HEAR them, and maybe then we can talk some sense into them.
So how the heck do we reach them? Write letters?
Maybe.
…Geez, that was a joke, but that worked last time, didn't it? I forgot about that, that was amazing actually how well it worked.
It did. Strangely, maybe, in how it played out, but it worked.
We gotta do that again then. Kid, honestly, what time are we going to bed?
1 o'clock.
Kind of late, but I'll forgive it tonight, since we're doing this and also you're sick as a dog, poor kid. I'd ask "how the heck do you put up with this" but honestly we've gotta STOP putting up with this garbage. Like she said, whoever she is. I like her, we've gotta find a way to talk to those people on some level to keep communication going.
Yeah, we do. So letters is one thing, what about messengers? Like Minty's bears or the snakes or the anchor plushies or something? People who can move between levels and not lose anything for it, and therefore connect vastly separated areas in a sense.
Perhaps. We'll have to ask Minty and see who else can help.
Ask me what?
Shit, are you in here??
No I can't get in there but what do you want my help with?
Bears. They're messengers, right?
Yep.
How so? What do they do?
Well… they help people? With whatever they need to do? I don't know, I've never really… given them a big job yet. I'm sorry.
It's okay, Minty. It's just that we might have a big job for them now. Problem is, they aren't self-aware, are they?
No, that's not their job either. They're more like messengers, like angels, they do what they're supposed to do and that's it.
Hm. Well that could still work for something, kid, thanks a lot.
Uh-huh. …Is that it? Do you need me for something else?
Nah, we're cool. You take care of yourself, kid, all right?
I will! And-- the Bear will take care of me too, I promise.
Good, he's cool too. Hey Jay, 11/11 at the bottom of the page again.
I love when that happens. It only happens with us. It's profoundly comforting and reassuring.
Can't put it into words, huh?
No.
Heh, maybe that's a good thing in a way. Hey Minty.
Yeah?
You tell Braxton or whatever his name is that we're planning something with the bears in the near future if they can help in the way we need.
Which is what?
Communicating directly with the lower-level fronters that we personally can't reach without slipping. We need a way to stop the abusive socials and the only way to talk some sense into them is to talk to them as someone who has sense. Problem is there are very few sensible people down there, and the ones who are, have level-split problems.
So… you want me to send the bears instead?
Maybe, depends on whether or not it would work. It's all up in the air right now, kid, so don't you worry. --Oh, there you are man. Long time no see, how's it been?
Good. Quiet. How are you?
Good to be alive, man, that's about all I can say. Troubles are another thing. You hear what I tell your kid?
…Yes. I will tell her if I think of anything further.
Further?
To help. I do not know if it would work yet. We will see. Keep me posted.
Heh, sure thing man. You two get some rest, all right? Tomorrow's another day.
You do too! Good night Jay, good night Laurie!!
Good night Minty.
'Night, kid, thanks for helping us out.
No problem, that's my job!
It is mine as well. Do not hesitate to ask if you need me.
Yeah, especially since your function is still kinda hazy, buddy.
…It'll solidify in time. All in it's own time.
Yeah, that's about what I've been saying about life lately too. Good to keep in mind though. Really, I'll see you in the morning or whenever, this kid's got work to do and I'm bad at goodbye's anyway.
Bye!!
Bye Minty, bye Braxton. I'll keep you posted.
…
Man. Getting back into the swing of things pretty fast, huh? Feels good.
It does. A little rushed right now, but still.
That's 'cause it's late, kid. Things always feel rushed when it's late.
Not usually?
I mean late enough to be late. Early, but not early. You get what I mean, kid?
Yeah, but explain it to the people!
Hey, at least you're laughing. We need a hell of a lot more mirth up here with what's going on.
We need roots in joy.
We do. It'll help a lot. Anyway, what I mean was that until like 1am, 2am, it's late but it's not early enough to not feel late.
Like at 3am, time stops working and you're just there.
Time stops around 2am though, doesn't it? Usually?
It settles in then, yeah. And it goes until 6 or so, then settles back into "real time" for 7.
So we've got like, four hours of bliss if we stay up "late" enough.
Yeah. So it feels rushed from 11pm to around 1am because we know we should be getting to bed--
But we're not--
Exactly-- so until it's been established that we're not going to sleep soon…
Things feel rushed.
Yeah.
You're tired.
No kidding!
I know, kid, I'm just always surprised when I see it hit you, because you haven't been out in so long. It's heartbreaking to see you taking the consequences of this disaster, and frankly it pisses me off too.
I'd say it does that to me too but that's only if I slip into the wrong bloodline roots, like you said.
Yeah, don't do that, kid, it's potentially fatal and you know it.
I do. Help me be careful about that, okay?
I will. And see how much better and brighter your vibe feels when you're tapped into you and not some mindless obligatory behavior drive?
Yeah. It's clearer, it's conscious, it's me.
Stay in that, kid. Even if you have to stop talking to me, stay in that.
…Maybe I should tap out and just put on some music for a few minutes or something. It feels like a luxury, but frankly, I think we could use some benevolent "luxuries" in the near future solely to heal from the abusive garbage treatment we've been getting. That feels bad to say; why is that?
It's the fear of becoming selfish, and more specifically, materialistic. Indulgent.
We're already "indulgent" when the garbage girls front.
Point taken, and ironically too. But the point is that's where the fear comes from. We don't want to be selfishly indulgent, so the phase two hackers disguise that selfish indulgence as self-abuse. Same vice though.
That's an interesting and worrisome observation.
Yeah, no kidding. Sherlock, write that down.
Already did, Laurie.
Write it twice, really dig it into the page. That needs to stick.
Then re-read it later. I can only write so hard on the first pass. Lessons need to be reviewed in order to truly stay.
Good point man. Jay, re-read this tomorrow.
I'll have to. It's hard to get memory to stick late at night anyway.
So you think you really need a break, huh? Late night takes a toll on the body's ability to concentrate.
It does. You re-wrote that sentence like, three times.
Couldn't figure out how to word what I wanted to say, kid. Point is, it's late, the body is bloody exhausted and is shutting down, but you want to stay up late because it's sick and you want to recover, and also you want to take some time to regroup before going to bed because let's face it kid, you don't want them going to sleep, and frankly I miss you at night. Chaos does too. We all do.
…That was a sword to my heart. That's a good sign.
Good. Good. God knows we need you feeling again.
I never stopped.
…I mean, geez… I mean, we need you feeling again.
Ah.
Yeah. Those girls without a conscience… how the heck did that happen? That's absolutely terrifying.
Probably being unable to deal with the guilt and shame, so it just shut off the capacity for that.
Wow. That's uncool.
It is. I really don't want to think about causes though, that jumbles up this head even more. I can feel that's it's a wrong perspective and I can feel why, essentially enough. The point is, and the most important thing, is fixing it. I can fix it without digging through knots to find out exactly how it got so twisted. Thinking too much about that just makes me twisted too, by letting too much of into my head.
Good point, kid. So what's step one, in that respect?
…Vigilance. Little steps. Eating outside, as that girl mentioned. Spending more time alone, to slowly shift the focus away from social-oriented mania to solitude-oriented peace. One step at a time, so we don't get overwhelmed. But it needs to start small by the same token.
Too much at once and we burn out, kid, I know.
Plus we're dealing with a level split, so.
That's why. It's hard enough talking to them from up here. Trying to yank the reins out of their hands all at once would be frankly impossible at this point, plus it wouldn't solve their issues, which is what needs to be done so they don't start this up again. Also I get what you're saying about the brain shutting down, holy swords, go put some music on and then get to bed, kid.
Is there anything else we need to say tonight?
Nope, not tonight, you get to sleep. Everything else can wait until tomorrow.
Are you sure?
…Shopping list? Is that what you're thinking? What shopping list, who's planning what?
The girls want to get one more round of Indian food and also that coconut oil. I'm scared of it, but whoever likes it genuinely wants to try, and that same person is notthe thief or the numb furious one.
Who is that, the worst one? Is that Jessica?
I think? Celebi called her that and she responded to it.
Wait, what? She did??
Yeah. Also her self-image is awful, all tangled hair and she's probably seventeen and she smells like the mother. She's viscerally terrifying, and everytime I see her she's wearing our high school uniform.
…Holy shit. Holy shit, did you just find out about this?
Just today, yeah. We need to look into this.
Yeah, no shit! This could be the key to solving this, finding the real root so we can tear the damn thing out.
Yeah, without going nuts trying to guess at it from context clues and things when we might-- probably--
Definitely aren't operating on the same wavelength, kid.
Thanks for finishing that thought for me.
No prob, I got what you were trying to say. You going to bed now? After the music? Geez, I'm sorry, I'm faltering too. It's too bloody late, we're too freakin' tired. What are we doing about the food? Who's buying the stuff? The good girl?
Uh… not sure? Someone with genuinely good intentions who genuinely wants to try it as an edible food, and understands that if it doesn't work she has to stop buying it.
Holy swords, now that's a milestone.
Yeah. So I appreciate that.
How about the coconut butter or whatever? Is that the cake stuff? Didn't we vote that we disliked it last night?
Again, someone did, someone didn't.
Ah. Shit.
Yeah, so one more shot on that too, so data can stick, because a binger got it last night and when that happens--
Ah, yeah, the whole thing is basically wiped from the comprehension drive. Or whatever. Kid, call this quits so we can get some sleep before Dalton's job tomorrow.
Is he still around?
He ain't dead, but he ain't workin' either. Give him some time in tomorrow if you can, all right? We don't need anyone good dying. And get that food if it's safe, I want to talk to this girl if I can, if that'll bring her out and if her allegedly good heart leaves her open to hearing us talk to her in the first place.
Hey, that's an important detail distinction too! Maybe the level splits won't be so bad if that's the case with more people?
Vulnerability, yeah. Childlike wonder, that ties into the imagination and by extension into higher levels of headspace like us. Hey, that's a good point indeed kid, nice catch.
Thanks Laurie. Now I really miss Infinitii right now, which is really true to my heart and really important in wake of today so--
Holy swords, yeah, go do that then, be with hir. You haven't been with hir in a while, that that alone is an indication of how out of sync we've been.
Yeah, it is.
So go do that. Put hir music on and just be with her and let that love branch out to hit the rest of us, kid. Maybe that's step one, is putting the good roots down first, where they can just choke out the bad shit.
Infinitii's standing over there.
Yeah, I know, that's why I'm having trouble talking or even getting my thoughts together right now. Geez, I miss this, you know? Feeling stuff like this, up here. I haven't been around either, kid; when the core fronters slip we all slip.
All wounds heal in time, Laurie.
Yeah and you're space, what does that say about things?
That there is wholeness beyond time, and you need only touch it to remember.
Jay, ze's flirting with you already, I'm outta here.
Laurie. It was not meant like that.
I see you smirking. "But it could have been," right?
Perhaps. There are many meanings to many things.
Yeah, and don't I know it. Hey, you two do whatever your hearts tell you you need to do. I'll be up in our room, kid. Your room. Our room?
Everyone's room.
Pfsh, yeah, ain't that the truth. Sweetest thing, too. Infi, you take care of him.
So do you.
…I didn't mean that as a declaration, but… yeah. We both do. Nice one, by the way.
So are you.
Stop freakin' smirking at me, man, I'm outta here. Love you too. Jay, I adore you, don't hurt yourself.
…Laurie you're breaking my heart, you're making it do funny things.
Good. Good, because I miss that too, more than anything.
…
If you're up for anything later, you let me know.
I will. God knows I will.
Jay, are you closing this up?
Yeah. Yeah, I feel alive deep down all of a sudden and I want, I want to live like this all the time again, more than anything. I want to cry thinking about how hard daily life has been with those damaged fronters in charge. It hurts my heart.
Ssh, ssh. Don't focus on that. Focus on healing. Focus on love. Only that will heal them or us.
They can't feel it.
That is the problem. Teach them. If they cannot learn, they will dissolve. Just you watch, Jay. Shine the light on the shadows and they will disappear.
…Yeah, that has been happening, hasn't it. What happens when I shine the light on you?
There are two types of shadows, Jay. One holds the light just like you do.
In your heart?
In my heart. Except mine is black and white, instead of red and blue.
…Oh. Oh, you're hitting me hard with mentioning that.
Do you feel more alive now, Jay?
Ironically, as my heart is breaking, but… that seems to be a big part of feeling alive, if my past memory is any indication.
And your present experience.
Yeah. Thank God for present experiences.
Do you want to put some music on, Jay?
And?
And what, Jay? I don't need to do anything. That is the point.
I think I need that too.
You do. You do.
I love you, Infinitii.
Say that again, with feeling.
…I can't, not in typing.
Good. Then say it to me otherwise.

…and now I feel alive.