the spectrum heart cathedral system

(unrefined/ incomplete entry, first half written on phone)


Happy feast day of Saint Lucy!
I LOVE art of her btw it's beautifully macabre

5 hours of sleep x___x
actually cried myself to sleep over gender dysphoria & body dysmorphia hell last night. legit wanted to die.
had been listening to leaguetunes and accidentally clicked on one we sang back in 2010 or so. before HRT.
...surreal. didn't sound like us at all. never did, actually-- that's why we were so desperate to get on hormones. the sound of our own voice made us want to choke with rage and despair. remembering how much we loved getting sore throats and lung infections because it would drop our vocal range and make us hoarse. preferred that to the tinny sharp too-pink noise of a voice we had.
but the vibrato. the clarity of singing. even if the voice felt wrong, wrong, wrong, it had talent and did we lose that when we lost that upper range? was it worth "sacrificing" just to be a little more comfortable with hearing ourself talk at all?
...told chaos 0 about it. weeping. felt so lost. he said he had known and loved me with so many voices already, it didn't matter in that respect. i was still loved. that meant a lot. but i emphasized that the problem was self-love here. very hard to wake up in the morning when your own voice is a stranger.
...realizing the irony of my daughter's name. how we loved that name since childhood and were so joyful to give it to her. xenophon. "strange voice." how for her it's a title of honor, the word "strange" meaning something like "holy" or "heavenly." something not of this broken world. something not of this broken body.
and then me, hearing jewel sing over ten years ago and not knowing what to feel, because even then we hated our voice, we cried at how foreign it was, wished we sounded like liam mckahey or ed harcourt. deep and resonant. real.
still not there. but closer. dreaming of it. fell asleep with that ache.

briefly talking to julie this morning as we got the body ready. still struggling SO MUCH with dysphoria after last night, could barely get dressed. avoided mirror entirely. but julie is literally the only nousfoni i can talk to about it. she's the only one with the capacity to, without it utterly shattering her function. infi theoretically could, too, but infi is blatantly not humanshaped. julie is. and she's the ONLY nousfoni who looks female in such an explicit way, so only she can "understand" when we rage and sob about being stuck in one. no offense to her, of course. but we can't deny our struggle either.
btw now that she's courageously striving to reintegrate her "old" and arguably TRUE self-- roots and all-- without the corruption, her vibe is so much clearer and real. she feels like herself. it's amazing. i... after last night, re-reading ancient xangas, now ten years later it is such a blessing to have her as a friend. she means a lot to me. i know revisiting trauma in therapy-- AND the archives, inevitably, penny will have to help-- will be difficult for us both. but i know we can get through it. i trust her.

Therapy at 9
Discussed social mode roots in childhood, also religious trauma, mentioned the use of "prayer as abuse" and the "near-torture" of my grandmother's methods. using that word was harrowing. but honestly how else do i describe being forced to kneel on raw rice until my knees bled and say rosaries while being watched and threatened, at age seven or so??? genuinely disturbing. and all the while having to stare up at the picture of the last supper where jesus is looking up, up and away from my frightened pain, grandma saying "it's because he doesn't want to look at you" dude that SCARS YOU. no wonder i struggle to pray even now. spiritual warfare though, gotta fight that good fight
Explicitly mentioned gender issues, notably the medical causes, in myself and in the family. it's so important it needed to be brought up front immediately. she didn't respond to it but i hope she's okay with that being front-and-center with a LOT of the trauma. also hoping she can get us referrals for HRT? still a lot of religious terror and conflict over that, but honestly it is becoming a daily wonder again. so we'll see.
Also THIS GAL'S GOT TRAUMA TOO. She UNDERSTANDS 1000%. She legit DESCRIBED A FLASHBACK TRIGGER and we have NEVER heard ANYONE explain that EXACTLY HOW WE EXPERIENCE THEM. with the unexpected sensory databombs and the hypervigilance and the mental shutdowns. It was staggeringly validating & reassuring, to know that SHE GETS IT. Heartbreaking, absolutely, but still put down a foundation of so much trust & solidarity.
Offered EMDR, tapping, hypnosis as options.
Tried tapping first but it triggered MAJOR PANIC, especially with breathing aspect, although we DID have Kyanos show up (he's now female?? or androgynous. CHILD in any case). We told her and she said "OK, we won't use that method." THAT WAS IT. No forcing, no invalidations or coercing, NO SHAME OR GUILT. Just "if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and that's totally fine. We'll find a different method for you that won't be triggering." GOD BLESS THIS WOMAN SHE'S FANTASTIC
Office is so nice too. She REFUSES to turn on the fluorescent lights, thank God, we don't like them either. She just has up all these warm floor lamps and a CHRISTMAS TREE which is gorgeous and a rainbow "love is love" neon sign by the door. And free coffee if you want it. She's a total doll, honestly we hit the jackpot with therapy here, thank you Lord it was about time

Oh yeah for the "tapping" she first had us close our eyes and visualize a "safe place"? which everyone does in therapy and honestly it is really annoying because we've never really had one in the waking so what the heck dude, what IS "safe?"
but. we told her that the instant image we get is ALWAYS GIMMELWALD. had to be honest.
so i closed my eyes. there i was sitting on that steep hill, green grass, tiny yellow flowers. snowcapped alpine peaks all around, little quiet village below. the scent of ice and high altitude. the sound of sheep bells above. gorgeous.
and chaos 0 sitting next to me. it took me by surprise, then i thought, "oh yeah. safe space."
honestly moved my heart a lot to realize how CLEARLY i could see him. his color lighter from all the sunlight. seeing the mist around us catch in his reflection. his eyes greener than the hills. just looking out at everything, like he did on that morning we sat in the back of my car and watched the stars wheeling over the valley.
i loved him so much in that moment. quietly, but so ardently. like a thousand-year love. less of a fire, more of a mountain itself. ancient and solid and enduring love. like all the snow melting into waterfalls.

Library drive by, wanting to see if they had any movies or kid's books to casually check out. needed to just relax. but closed until noon, not waiting that long
Considered stopping at SJE & legit just sleeping in the pews by the Tabernacle then remembered, hold up IT'S TUESDAY! that means ADORATION AT OLOTE
Went straight there and did a SOLID HOLY HOUR!!
30m talk 30m prayer
flat-out said an ENTIRE ROSARY. realized how much we DO love saying it but also how INSANELY IMMERSIVE it is. like once we get started we are gone, dude. we cannot say them casually. it is an absolute trip, like reliving every mystery. exhausting but gorgeous. i'm wondering if we only CAN properly say them in a church. gonna have to get used to jogging to SJE then, haha. honestly we want to though. worth a shot soon.
Finished the hour just in time to hit EUCHARISTIC LITURGY at OLOMC
we haven't been there since before inpatient so it felt wonderful to be back.
Linda said hi, SO DID SMN!
He was worried about us! God bless him. We asked him to pray for our continued outpatient recovery and he said he absolutely would. IMO the dude is VERY HOLY so his prayers have got inevitable PUNCH.

...sang briefly on the way home. last minute dare. right before we pulled into the parking lot. i forget what song it was, even. came up on shuffle.
but... we could still sing. still the vibrato, just as bright as it was when we were younger. still not how we sound inside but closer. lower. warmer. no buzzing edge anymore. gave us some hope.

Home for 12:15. Vacuumed, jokingly made a "bet" w/ xennie-- she said she gets "five dollars" if I fall asleep at the laptop, "even for two seconds". She said to buy her more fortune cookies, tiger tea, and a single lemonade apple "for mom" (infi, the ONLY person who inexplicably can hold that title w/o dissonance)
honey that'll cost more than $5 but don't tell her, I'll buy her all that and more if she wants, gotta dote on my daughter
Made breakfast, very dissociated, but lots of nice company as always
PHLEGMONI & SCALPEL teaming up outta nowhere to give spice a heck of a time, they insisted on adding EXTRA cayenne pepper and were bonding over it, it was honestly hilarious
Mimic taking time out this morning. he's around, just gave us some space.
Got Tumblr distracted by RYOU & MARIK!!
Now eating at 2pm God bless

------------------------

...It's 10pm.
Note to selves: do NOT fast for nineteen hours with NO sleep and HIGH stress and then EAT TRIGGER FOODS.
we had a minor bingepurge.
MINOR. it was only two hours, start to finish, and we HID the big bowls so they couldn't be abused. the girls only binged on vegetables, yogurt, and sunchips as usual. but it was TERRIFYING and PAINFUL nevertheless.
and... as usual, it shut down headspace for almost two hours.
honestly we expected this. with how completely rattled we were, there was no way to easily avoid this happening. that one girl began to munch on lettuce, then panicked "we have to finish it", then someone ELSE panicked because we started to get dizzy and our ears were popping and they said "oh no we're allergic to lettuce" and just... binged in order to purge.
it wasn't much. the worst was the sunchips (they ate the whole bag AGAIN. we have marked them as "do not buy" until further notice; especially with that manic e.d. chick always trying to sneak them they're too much of a risk right now, and they don't "fit into" the mealplan as of now anyway. literal superfluous item held over from inpatient and for that sake only. not worth $4 a bag. if we can drop it then do so). and of course they found the salted caramel yogurt we bought once more to try and junked it. BUT we got data, and it IS highly triggering so that explains the compulsive destruction. that's on the "do not buy" list for good now, too, since there is validity to it.
ah. worst part.
the fire alarm went off right as they were finishing the binge. lights flashing, alarms buzzing. heard everyone evacuating outside.
instead they went into the bathroom and just threw up, thinking, and i kid you not,
"if there's a real fire they'll have to come and get me if they feel i'm worth saving. otherwise, i don't care. if i die then i die. this is no life to live anyway."
honest to god it was a suicidal thought. we haven't had one of those in months. not since grandma passed.
but... well, in light of the dyspho/dysmo agony, it wasn't surprising. just... heartbreaking, to hear expressed by someone who could get that low and unfortunately sincere.

as usual there's no memory of it till the purge process ending because they start praying hysterically and then i usually have to clean everything up. xenophon showed up when that happened and was tearful too (i was miserable) and thank God she helped me stabilize, asking me if i was okay, telling me it was going to be okay, refusing to leave me alone or berate anyone. she saw the pain. she knows this is a war. she just hates seeing anyone-- everyone-- suffer from it.
so we got the floors cleaned and the trash taken out and the dishes done. i changed our clothes and downed an entire powerade (told you it was smart to buy emergency ones; gotta have that contingency crisis plan).
then we sat down to eat dinner.
seriously. no way were we skipping the opportunity to recover from this disaster IMMEDIATELY after. plus the body was shaking (blood sugar was a solid 80 which means it was going to keep dropping fast if we didn't eat; it always does) and we had just lost our breakfast anyway.
so we had dinner. broccoli, apple, half a carrot, cottage cheese, english muffin w/ a wiggly egg, three fortune cookies (xennie insisted), infi's vanilla comoro tea, AND the lingonberry skyr.
so yeah. of course laurie called mimic over.
he sardonically commented on the disordered behavior. i said yeah, we wish it would just stop but days like this were bound to happen. i apologized and said he didn't sign up for this-- he said he didn't sign up at all, i/jewel just kind of pulled him into headspace-- and that he was entirely free to leave if he wanted.
"i said i'm sticking around."
he keeps emphasizing that. always "waving off" the honest gravity of it-- saying he's "getting something out of this" or it's "better than running for my life" or the like. less brash than he was even three days ago. admitting that it's interesting, that he likes laurie's attitude, that he respects the bravery he sees. "credit where it's due," but in a slowly more self-revelatory way. getting more honest, less defensive.

good news is he likes the skyr, haha. he's got different preferences from me apparently. that's cool, i always like that variety in the system. i had asked him, to which he smirked and asked "do you?" calling me out. i hesitantly admitted it wasn't my thing, then tried to say "but i can change that" but he said nope, no flaking out. he kept ribbing me about it because i was trying to like it for his sake but couldn't force that (i used to! all the time! for every random person!) and he kept goading me to be honest, because if i'm gonna hold him to that standard i had better live up to it myself. not in those words but same intent. laurie is more direct; mimic likes to provoke. but it helps, actually, that indigo edge of his.
laurie used to be like that before she hard-shifted purple. we wonder if she's going to move back to violet. time will tell. so will the spectrumind, inevitably. if her function CAN and SHOULD shift, it will. but that can't be forced either, just like i can't honestly or safely override or reject a vibe dissonance.
still. amusingly ironic how the shapeshifter is telling the polymorph to stop trying to be someone else. hits different that way. more weight behind it.

...
outspacers are so weird. i love them but they're bizarre. their arrival and integration is vastly different from nousfoni. they come here via Links, and those cannot be forced or even chosen most times-- they just catch, jewel's old puppet-strings, and before you know it there's a new face. but there's always a "heart-pull" when that string is able to connect. without it, you know they won't be able to stick around, or even step in.
we always "meet them" in heartspace in one way or another. that's "first contact." either in jewel's imagination, or our dreams. after that, they can show up in headspace, although that's not something that ever happened in the old days due to headspace not being a solid thing until like 2009.
but... outspacers get this week-or-so "grace period" of adjustment and introduction, on average, and then they either decide to leave or they decide to stick around. as mimic apparently has.
that's when stuff gets interesting. if they commit, it's all or nothing in the end. outspacers ultimately have to decide that they want to be part of the spectrum, if they really want to stay, and in doing so... well. they have to "move in."
you can't be a legit outspacer and live outside the system. you've gotta cut that thread to keep this one.
every true outspacer has a new life, new roots, even a new name, in a leagueworld. not even "and the system." if you're an outspacer talking to nousfoni you are STILL not native, you need your anchor elsewhere because you're not the same species and without that anchor you will end up "channeling" the spectrumind and you will lose yourself. it happens. it freaks everyone out, even nousfoni who are unstable. get too close to unformed blackspace, even conceptually, and you start to deform yourself. it's lethal. even to infi. no one is meant to be so blurry in self that they lose their self. hence the vital importance and emphasis on "solid anchors" and "functions" and clear colors. without that... you get reabsorbed into the rainbow, worst case scenario. sometimes it's inevitable. sometimes someone breaks their function so hard that they have to be recycled and reborn. sometimes someone dies and that's just what happens after. same with being "killed"-- laurie has told mimic that "death is different up here" because it's such a spiritual realm; especially with cores, being "killed" or "dying" just forces a "reset" and if you're still MEANT to be alive, you WILL "come back." sometimes instantly. like with my fights with laurie, and her infamous "beheading" technique to "soft-reset" any splintering core. it works. that's just mechanics up here.
but yeah. outspacers. if mimic wants to stay, well, he needs to leave the canon. and find a new one to settle into.
we told him this up front. galadia hasn't done it either, not yet. phlegmoni has. you can feel the difference in him, compared to both how he was in the beginning and to how the newbies are now. it's surreal, now that i know why that is.
but that's what the "grace period" is about. it's a hyperfocus on that outspacer's native world and canon history, to integrate them as fully as possible, and as genuinely as possible, so that when the links snip off the threads, they still know who they are, and can build a new life from that.
that's... really the whole thing with outspacers. it's part of the jewelcore's core function i think, if i may word it as such. to "love the loveless." to seek out those who need a new dream, and give them one. to say, "listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door, let's go." (one of our most beloved poems since childhood btw) and to offer a hand.
honestly though it's rarely so direct. jewel always has "feelers out," amusingly so with our bizarre but undeniable insect affection. every "mediaworld" she is able to step into-- and that criterion is solely her heart; we never entirely know what will resonate with it until it does) --she does, and forms a "Link." a sole puppetstring. a dreamthread. the cable to climb that cliff. and once she's plugged in, well. then who knows what will happen? her imagination is a powerful thing. but so are dreams. those are my territory, as the apprentice. but i'm still at their mercy. if someone shows up... then they show up.
i'm too tired to think straight, haha. what am i trying to get to. what ultimate point.
oh yeah. mimic.
i was trying to write about this the other day. he remembers the dream. but it's like in stein's gate. "that's not fair," and how that line cut to my heart. a dream of some other life, some other potential future, that someone else has actively lived but you haven't. at least, not in this life. and yet... it already happened. that's what it's like, with mimic. what a bizarre way to become an outspacer. i think that's a first, too.
he's really confused over it. frustrated at the lack of linear-spatial sense. but he's at least not denying it happened, if only in its own space. he's not talking about it, but not pushing it away. that's notable.

someone brought up *incidents*. i think with the "nobody stays dead if they're not meant to die yet" topic.
floored me when i realized it took markus (marik) almost ten years to have his third one. and i STILL remember that morning so vividly even now. legit a milestone day in our life. since then he's felt different. brighter. stronger. but also no longer "trying to be invincible." a strange balance. the daengels helped, too, later on. still not sure what the heck is going on with the yami phenomenon outside of the tar/plague. wondering if they'll choose to keep that in their leagueworld, or enjoy the freedom from it. that's up to them.

we were gonna have a headspace movie night because tubi randomly notified me that "a penitent man" is leaving on thursday! and we decided, well why the heck not watch it? isn't that the whole theme of our life lately?
so. not tonight because this update was important. and we need sleep. but tomorrow. i owe genesis a date night anyway, haha.
we've already invited mimic and phlegmoni and galadia because they're all new outspacers and have not experienced a "movie night" before. neither has scalpel! geez that's a shock. i freakin love him, i'm so glad he insists on sticking around. legit the FIRST red nousfoni that HASN'T totally died due to core interference, because actually he anchored into BLOOD. legit solidified the subhue and fixed the problem, haha. razor was already there but everyone knows she was always half black in hue. so was laurie, for a while. bizarre how headspace worked in the early days; so many people backpacked achromes.
thinking of giving achromatic spectrum hues different names btw to avoid racial confusion. we don't have ethnicity up here; nousfoni aren't human and our "ethnicities" are weird, to say the least. i'm trying to catalogue them on the other laptop. there are definite patterns, but we're like pokemon. laurie and wreckage and sugar are ALL nousfoni but they're different "subspecies." gotta look into biology terms for this. maybe make our own, heck yeah. gotta really enrich our innerworld jargon like we used to. it's beautiful. honestly thanks be to God for this, for us. all of us.

but dinner went by without any trouble. xenophon shared it with me.
three fortunes were:
"adventure is not outside, it is within"
"be a generous friend and a fair enemy"
"be most affectionate today."
i laughed and immediately showed them to mimic, half teasing, dude this is way too relevant to our situation with you.

cleaned up the kitchen, got everything out for tomorrow morning, then was SO bloody tired i just dragged the chair over in front of the altar, sat down, and started reading the church bulletins. needed to read 'em anyway.
mimic showed up ghosting (HOW. he didn't even have to LEARN. is that being immediately "uploaded" into outspacers now???) and sat by the chair. asking me what i was reading, etc.
he's weirdly friendly, actually. not like genesis, or xenophon-- he's not "outgoing" or extroverted. not even like laurie, who is all steel edges but still shockingly warm and conversational. he's got that same level demeanor as he did in the dream, but it's not flat or morose-- he's got a sense of humor which STILL catches me off guard, and a tendency to talk a lot. he's not reclusive or standoffish at all. he's observant and interested, even if he instinctively tries to play it cool and pretend he "just overheard" or the like. i think the only reason why he's still kind of uncharacteristically reserved is because he's grappling with this new and weird environment. he's not sure who or what is a threat yet. he's watching, getting a grip on it. but he's warming up fast, especially with laurie constantly involving him in conversation, reassuring him, and all but flaunting her role as the main protector of the entire system. no one gets through her. so don't worry about "surviving" up here; we all look out for each other, we're all genuinely invested in each other's welfare, and if anyone tries to pick on the octopus they will have an axe buried in their skull within three milliseconds. but even moreso, she's proving to mimic that the most powerful people can still be kind and even vulnerable. laurie does not deny when she messes up, or is struggling, like she used to. she told him that, too. her walls were different than his, but they're still walls. still armor around the heart. laurie has friends and it doesn't make her weak at all; she emphasizes that she's willing to live and die for them, and if need be she will kill for them too (thinking of this anthem of hers with an ache in my heart), at least in the innerworld. but she is setting an amazing example. and i can tell it's affecting him. he's never had proof that his fear-based (because they are) assumptions weren't objectively true, not so firsthand, not with people who are including him IN that circle of friends. we do bring up the diamond cutters, carefully. that's when he puts the walls up. so we don't push it. it's a touchy subject.
still. it's important to honor that part of his past. even if he doesn't seem too keen on getting close to people, i can empathize, and i wonder how much of that is fueled by survival instinct. versus how much is actual personal disposition. and how much conflict there is. i know for me, i conceptually want to be closer to people but i get overwhelmed and often shove people away. but then, like mimic, i monologue. i still talk as if to an audience. it's ironic. he's a shapeshifter and he has to know people in order to wear their mask, so to speak. as a core i get something similar with prismatic resonance-- i need to know other colors to properly do my job, too. he and i both have to "get close" to people in theory... but it's "ehhh" in person. even if deep down maybe we'd like to try. not sure what's in the way. fear of death, probably. even in concept. how ironic, for someone with a skull painted over their face and someone whose best friend is arguably the grim reaper. both of us covered in scars. both of us carrying blades. why.
tired of us both seeing friendship as a liability. as a weakness. as "not being able to make it on your own" and loathing yourself for that inadequacy. as a crutch that enables that very flaw. all of it false. but all of those false beliefs still anchored too bloody hard.
tired of wearing masks just to get by. how long can you pretend to be other people before you lose the concept of "other people?" is that why we're both so paradoxically isolated? the empathy issues? i don't want to be like this. at all. i don't want anyone else to be, either.
i hope we can both work through this.
that's the one thing about outspacers that i've come to terms with lately (it was very hard) that is actually very consoling. they aren't bound to their canon anymore. yes, it IS their history, and it will ALWAYS be at their heart, BUT as for their future, change is possible and allowed. they can grow as people in ways that would be IMPOSSIBLE in their native universes, especially since now they're in headspace which is INHERENTLY interconnective, and heartspace even moreso. they're going to be affected by us, and us by them. they're going to have unique experiences that will have visible impacts on who they become. and, of course, if you're in OUR space, you're going to fit the vibe. villains inevitably drop the dark cloak, as it were. and up here, that's expected. it's a good thing. it's how we work. and because the "worldline" differs here than their canon, it's legitimate within this new set of circumstances. the air is different here-- colors are brighter. everyone here can, and will, change for the better, if they cooperate with that.

so i was sitting on the couch and mimic is just chillin' and being oddly silent and i just picked up the "voice of the martyrs" mag for december and decided to read it entirely. emphasizing the "martyr" concept. telling him, "this is what it's really about." the courage. the absolute victorious faith. the persistent hope despite all odds. the incredible charity in the face of violent evil. the whole time i'm spontaneously elaborating on how love is stronger than death and more powerful than anything and these testimonies were proof, literally these people are being threatened with murder and torture on a daily basis because they believe in a God of compassion and forgiveness and mercy, and to their credit and His glory they refuse to stand down or compromise it. they set their faces like flint against machetes and bombs and rifles. and there's no bitterness in it. it's unreal. it's gorgeous. it's heartbreaking and jubilant all at once. the absolute strength of divine meekness, seen only as "weakness" in the eyes of the world, and yet unconquerable by it. ended up "paraphrasing" the entire prodigal son story in my manner of speech. focusing on the forgiveness, and the magnitude of what was forgiven.
i'm very open with mimic, about my past. about how much of a bastard i have been, and still am some days. about my history of thievery, and compulsive lying, and addiction, and prostitution, and manipulation, and using people for my own advantage. about my proclivities to violent rage and crocodile tears. about my own cowardly "tough guy" facade and my fear of being helpless, inept, powerless, unskilled. about how deep down i feel as spineless as an octopus so i've learned to carry knives and speak them too. too much in common. sick of living this way. wanting so badly to be honorable and honest and courageous and compassionate, but some days i just chicken out like an idiot because of what it might cost me. kneejerk gutlessness. pain in the ass.
but both of us just kind of... thinking about it all. in that weird interim between here and there. wanting to scoff at it all and just weasel our way through life. but so, so tired of the ice in our blood. exhausted. getting hints of something better, brighter, even beautiful, here in headspace. terrified of it. terrified of opening up and actually feeling things and letting our guard down. letting other people help us instead of doing it all alone. i'm learning, it's inevitable as part of a system, but... it's still new.
even with mimic. part of me pissed off at "having someone else to have to care about" and wanting to kick him out solely because "i'm tired of thinking about other people." selfish garbage. not how i really feel. but a reaction i cannot deny. remembering what they said on bumblekast. "i don't want to say he's asexual, he just doesn't seem interested in interpersonal connections." well geez dude the two aren't mutually inclusive, but where do you draw the line on that second one? look at me and the blue guy, then look at how some days i just don't want to look at anyone. how much of it is mental illness? how much of it is trauma? how much of it is being so preoccupied with your own survival that you can't imagine prioritizing someone else?
and yet. and yet we're talking in the living room for an hour. no stress somehow. not a "conversation." but still caring.
it's so odd, this whole thing. but i'm... i'm learning so much about myself too. growing so much. i think that's why he was allowed to become an outspacer. that potential, for both of us. god works in mysterious ways


okay exhausted dead. 1130pm. good lord i was supposed to sleep. no idea what i've written. but hey it's written and i didn't slack off on this responsibility. learning to be accountable! yeah!

dietician cancelled for tomorrow and rescheduled for monday. other one is on friday. nothing on schedule for tomorrow unless we want to go to church. other than that we're chillin'. have to. body is wrecked.

i want to spend time with chaos 0. just him. his canon cousin has been taking all my attention lately and although that is vital, and kind of mandatory for me as a core dealing with an outspacer, i still need to take time out for us. it's essential to my heart. to my spiritual survival entirely.
we've been wanting to do a spotify night for a while but schedule hasn't allowed it. tomorrow is absolutely movie night though, maybe by 9pm so we can actually legit sleep after.
still. if mimic is bringing out the worst in me in order for it to be corrected, i need to spend time with someone who brings out the best in me, in order that i admit that it exists, too.

gotta sleep. burnt to a crisp with all this stress and thinking. overwhelmed.
one day at a time. take it slow. whatever happens happens.
focus on why you're doing this. because you care. because you have hope. because deep down you chose to love someone who legit drives you up the walls with their attitude. because you need someone to love you when you act the same way. otherwise, what hope is there for something better? brighter? even beautiful?

i keep thinking of the way he looked out at the snow on sunday. that first moment when he actually did let his guard down. never gonna forget that.

it's worth fighting for, really.

Depressed and sick of myself today. Too much internet browsing. It fuels self-loathing so much, especially in terms of "you're a f*cking weirdo and you're ugly and you should be ashamed of yourself for the things you say and do and think and feel; you are a disgusting freak and everyone thinks you are repulsive." Like THAT is the literal brain-tirade I get by visiting online social spaces.

I didn't eat well today. I accidentally fasted for almost 7 hours because mom wanted me to help her at the house again and hit a food drive but she was late and didn't bring what she needed me to help her with anyway, and although I DID pack a lunch the INSTANT I walked into that old house ALL the terror hit. It was STAGGERING. I honestly FORGOT how deeply disturbing that environment ended up becoming to me. I still am not sure why. Maybe just trauma residue. I need review the archives in that regard; I should be starting therapy soon so I NEED to make sure I know WHY I'm in therapy.
But... yeah. Didn't eat until just a half hour ago, really. At least I ate something. Restriction is addictive, because it makes me feel FREE and PURE again, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE WAR HAS RESTARTED.

Yeah. It has. Apparently getting the body back up to 18.5 BMI (just barely "normal weight") WOKE UP ALL THE DEMONS.
...I forgot how hellish it was to live in this body when I WASN'T sedating and beating it up all the time.

...I've been furiously crying over it all day, mainly to Chaos 0, because I can talk to him about stuff that I can't even talk to LAURIE about, and wouldn't talk to Infi about either because ze's tied to a different bloodline and was born for very problematic reasons-- God knows ze needs therapy as much as I do. But that's the whole bloody point. My soul is RED. My heart is RED. I CANNOT deny that and I CANNOT CHANGE THAT and God knows that some days I have really tried. I've tried to be purple, green, pink, even orange once... nothing sticks. Nothing vibes. Nothing works. I ALWAYS end up being red again. The only time I was different was in early childhood when I leaned MAGENTA and PURPLE and those is close enough to Red anyway for it to shift hard once I hit like second grade... which, arguably, is when I first really realized I was VERY DIFFERENT from other kids. I mean, heck, it was obvious in lesser ways even earlier, looking back. Yes, like many tykes I LOVED dinosaurs and unicorns and dragons and dolphins, BUT I didn't like animals; I gravitated towards bats and scorpions and king cobras. And that was because they were scary. Somehow, I can recognize that even now, EVEN in WHY I liked unicorns and dragons. Everything was somehow tied to sacred suffering. I think back to when I was a kid, how I loved unicorns but ESPECIALLY the one with MY NAME, whose image is emblazoned on my heart since childhood because it WAS EXACTLY HOW I FELT-- that end-of-the-world feeling, that brave white creature with blood on his horn. Yes, "there xe goes again, talking about that. What a freak." Well you know what YEAH, I AM A FREAK THEN, because even at AGE 5 I was drawing creatures covered in bloody wounds from holy wars in dreams, and I couldn't stop thinking about either aliens or armageddon, I saw the whole world through the lens of the Fermi paradox and the apocalypse. I believed in angels and demons and mystical creatures and DREAMS and PAIN. I'm heartspilling here. I freakin' loved Animorphs and Young Wizards because they SPOKE MY LANGUAGE; they were kids in RIGHTEOUS BATTLES and people FELT & FACED HEAVY THINGS, on a greater scale than the normal YA literature that sometimes still mentioned death and stuff but not in the exaggerated way I craved. I was always so bored with assigned reading because yeah, they'd allude to someone passing away, or being in a war, or being heartbroken, or being in love, but NO ONE WOULD GO IN-DEPTH. No one talked about dreams, or other worlds. Everything was too human, too banal and too claustrophobic for me. I would constantly imagine wilder things.
I'm struggling to phrase this. When I hit second grade I realized that no one else really cared about these things like me. I wrote like a 7-page report on gulper eels one day and was reading it enthusiastically in front of the class when I noticed kids actually yawning at me. The teacher told me to cut it short. I was gutted, in the same way as those poor eels, because not only did I think they were kinda beautiful, they had a RED LIGHT on the tip of their tails AND I had learned that their cells would rupture if you brought them out of the deep water and they'd basically melt or explode, and I kept on thinking what would that do to their heart but NO ONE ELSE SEEMED TO CARE. I sat down with my report that day genuinely crushed, wondering why they didn't care. This was around the same time I realized that I didn't experience crushes/ attraction and was SUPER ANNOYED with the girls and boys talking about "cooties" and boy bands and magazine models. It genuinely made me ANGRY. That was when I took that "vow of celibacy," telling God "I will NEVER get married and I will NEVER date someone older than me like that," sick of seeing my fellow youths swoon over teenagers and even adults (boy bands I am LOOKING AT YOU). The problem happened in THIRD grade, when we were doing a school play in the classroom and I was the dinosaur and every other AFAB person was either an Egyptian princess or something else human & feminine. But... between "acts" we would chill in the closet in the back, and one of the girls-- Stefanie-- for some reason needed to change her outfit?? and she asked ME to borrow something?? like a slip, or a blouse, or something, because I had an extra. The details are blurry, all I remember is that I was bizarrely the ONLY person who could spare what she needed. Either that or it was the opposite-- she needed to change and asked me to hold her clothes because I was the only "girl" NOT going out with the other princess group. But... she took off her school blouse, momentarily only wearing a training bra, and I remember just looking at her bare shoulders from the back and thinking good Lord she is so pretty and feeling like the floor had dropped out. I was reeling for a minute. It didn't even HIT me that I liked girls. That wasn't "possible" so it didn't even register. And yet there I was, swooning over Alexandria every five minutes, wanting to be her best friend so I could hug her and sit next to her and stuff, even going so far as to stay after class at the end of the day to secretly pilfer tiny Keroppi erasers and Chococat stationery from her desk, because as a new "Pokemon trainer" that kawaii-creature stuff was my aesthetic too so that meant we liked the same stuff and I wanted to be part of that but didn't know how to ask.
I'm really rambling. You all know the story about 8th grade, when one of the girls in class walked up to me with a teen magazine with male swimwear models and asked me "if I thought this guy was cute" because the other girls were at a stalemate and they wanted my opinion. I remember looking at the guy and thinking, "I want to look like that," and not knowing what to say, so I think I muttered "I dunno, I guess?" while all the while thinking that girl was WAY cuter than any guy, and REELING from the sudden earthshaking revelation that WOW OKAY I'M KINDA A DUDE THEN? Hilariously and tragically it was around this time period that I DISSOCIATED HARD for high school and BURIED that under the "spinnincannon" manic persona, although I still couldn't deny the fact that I was still attracted to ladies, you ALL remember Skittygirl and Sailor Moon and Tokyo Mew Mew, and how I was MORTIFIED if anyone found out I was watching the transformation scenes in slow motion and drawing anthro chicks without any clothes. Chastely, of course, I wasn't interested in sexuality but I felt things that I NEVER could feel for anyone "male," EVEN Bakura and Marik, who I realized I ONLY liked because they looked so feminine. Then we got a Gamecube and I would carry the SA2B instruction booklet to school to look at it secretly between classes, and as I was sitting in math class one day and thinking about Chaos 0 my heart just kind of ached and the universe flipped over and I realized, "oh my gosh I'm in love," and I KNEW because I had NEVER felt that for ANYONE before but it was UNDENIABLE. Everyone use to joke that "you'll just know!" and I wondered how, because yeah I loved Bakura but I wasn't in love, I didn't feel anything like they showed in the movies or anything, and then suddenly I found myself with a fire blooming beneath my ribs because of this alien Sonic character and what do you know, they were right. Everything changed.
BUT it was already the Julie days and when my body started to change too I FREAKED THE HECK OUT and couldn't draw myself anymore and heartspace went mostly dormant and the MANIC Jewel took over, but thank GOD for Sonic Chats (I STILL MISS THOSE) and their absolutely screwball off-the-walls humor, because even with the impossible crossovers and looneytune antics I STILL spent most of my time with Chaos 0, teaching him how to talk, petting him like a Chao when he'd get anxious from all the commotion, playing my favorite music for him to hear, showing him all the cool stuff in the world that I treasured. Dude I even remember that freakin' treehouse that "my three" and I would chill out in back in elementary school still, and Marik (bless him) was trying to learn guitar because that's what cool kids do, and Bakura would be playing some game in the corner and Chaos was just... so different. The outcast, the weird guy, just like me. But we cared so much for him. We ALL were fighting our own demons too, so we understood the whole Perfection fear, in our own ways, what with the Yamis and the Millennium Items, don't forget I had that emerald Tiara (AND 'JEZEBEL' WAS MY YAMI although she had a different name) and the Love Hurts comic was being written at the same time, along with ALL the *incidents* everyone had... long story short we were all in the blood and beauty together. We ALL were like that. We were drawn to the strange and creepy things-- we WERE strange and creepy things really, all of us, when you got down to it. What am I even trying to say.
I just... miss all of that. I miss the camaraderie we had, simple and small, always fighting something but always together after the smoke cleared. Honestly my absolute favorite memories of old Heartspace were WHEN we would get into awful brawls with some "demon" in my psyche OR theirs and we'd end up all covered in blood and sweat and tears by the end, collapsing into each others arms and laughing and sobbing and alive, and we LOVED each other, all of us, and it was beautiful.
We've... lost that, somewhat, in the System, lately. Life has become so externalized. I've become so self-loathing, and ashamed of that part of my heart, that RED light in me, that dreamjumper fire and imaginative courage. I was ALWAYS forming Links with other "worlds;" I was always jumping into stories like a madman just to talk to the folks who were "a little off in the head" just like me, to meet them in dreams and, maybe, bring them into mine. Only some of them did-- they became Outspacers. Others would just be people I visited. But... I typically only ever visited guys. It was so strange. I was trying so hard to be "straight," and I was SO disillusioned by "normal" guys AND girls, that I ended up vibing with either father figures OR not-quite-human weirdos like myself. My CONSTANT joke was that I "only fell in love with human girls and alien guys," because you never saw monster girls in the media back then, but the monsters you did see were always male-coded. So I could "reassure" myself that I was "doing what was expected of me" in that sense, even unconsciously. Still... I never fell in love, not like I did that first time. At the end of the day I'd always end up back with the blue guy. Then there was that one Sonic Chat around the time we discovered NiGHTS when CZ and I were chilling by the fireplace at the end of October and Shadow brought pink champagne and Knux was flirting with Rouge and I looked right at Chaos and I dared him, "should we show them how it's done?" and that was it. That was the first time I didn't hide it from anyone. In that ridiculously silly chatroom, with everyone else tipsy and laughing, I had enough cover to pull that off without being paid attention to, but... still. I was fiercely joyous. I almost wanted to show him off. I wanted to shout, "look, I'm in love, and it's amazing!" just for the bliss of it. But I didn't. I pretended to be drunk just so I'd have a plausible excuse for why I was kissing the water creature by the fireplace for an hour. I remember how nervous I was though; how my heart was racing from the gravity of what I was doing, as strange as the circumstances were. Still. It was the most honest I had been in a long time.

The war has started again.
...I miss it. You know what, yeah, I miss the fighting although I DO NOT miss the battlefield. I hate feeling like this body, and this world, are in siege against my heart at every moment of the day. But... we have alone time, now, just like we did when I was a kid. We CAN go upstairs again, and talk, and fight, and love and weep and LIVE, like we used to. THAT'S why I'm bent on uploading the old archives. I want to REMEMBER what that was like so we can HAVE IT AGAIN. I want to have bloody *incidents* again, God knows, I don't care if they're "late" I WANT to have that with people. I WANT to experience those larger-than-life, dreamlike nightmarish events saturated with blood and love, that pulled the truth out of our souls and manifested it for all to see. I WANT to be so brave and honest and open and AFLAME again, like I KNOW I am, deep down.
I AM Red. I WANT to be Red, God knows I do. I LOVE this color, I LOVE its fire and cinnamon and blood and rubies and roses and candy canes and holly berries and hearts. It's a color of action and danger and passion and love and LIFE, of pain and joy and warmth and courage, of ME. 
And if keeping this color means fighting a war to keep it that pure and beautiful, then SO BE IT.

...I feel better now, haha. I'm so tired of feeling like I "should be ashamed" of myself for my "psychotic imagination" and the fact that yeah, I'm in love with a Sonic character, I have been for 19 years and I plan to be forever. What of it? Is that offensive to you? Why? I don't want to care about that anymore. I am so tired of crushing my own soul just to make it "socially acceptable." Well "socially acceptable" things are often VERY NOT RED, they're all beige and whitewashed and have no edges, but I LIKE edges dude, I LIKE weird-ass creepy scary things, I LIKE my knives and gulper eels and angels with fiery swords. I LIKE having hundreds of other people in this psyche that I love and that love me, even though there are a few that arguably don't, and a few do actively try to kill me, but hey. Such is System life.
...I want it all. I don't care how hard I have to fight, I honestly MISS the battles, I keep saying that but it is SO TRUE, I can't help but repeat it.
Maybe that's why God let this happen. Geez maybe it is.

I'll type more about this later. I just noticed what time it is.

Let's talk about daemons.

 

Daemons, in the 2013-2018 Spectrum timespace, were "incarnated vices" meant to force their heart-host into admitting and facing that vicious reality as being THEIRS, instead of denying and running from it; after all, we cannot repent if we don't know what we're repenting from, let alone if we're denying the fact that we have sinned in the first place. Daemons bring all that front and center. Most importantly, though, is the fact that they are madly in love with their hosts. They adore the souls they are enslaved to, that they exist for and from forever. A daemon is your deepest fears and biggest faults given bones and breath and beating heart, and they love you, but they will devour you if you are not careful. They are inherently dangerous, and they are absolutely indispensable. A daemon can teach you the most radical forgiveness, but they can also falter and fall into a sort of punchdrunk moral relativism, so unable to hate that they forget that their very core is hateful. Their guts are painted black. No matter how soft a wound is, it's still a wound; it's still blood and it's still damage.

 

Rio's Daemon is Lethe Styx. He personifies fear of nothingness/ the unknowable, and the vice of sloth as a result? He is named after two rivers, both of oblivion-- one of thought, one of body.

Rio is prone to intense self-distraction, for the sole purpose of not having to face the silence, trying to block out the river-rush of blood in one's ears.

…
 

Markus's Daemon is Medallion Guillotine. She personifies fear of weakness, and the vice of avarice, arguably. She is named after two symbols of power-- the first to hoard, the second to behead, and both with the ability to destroy life outright.

…

 

Chaos's Daemon is Perfect Chaos. He mentally detached himself from that potential in his soul for so long, and with such disturbed fervor, that Perfect was almost forced to "daemonize."

He personifies unending agony. At heart, it is the fear of (loss? despair?) and the vice of wrath. When grief bores too deeply into your soul, it hits the fires of hell and burns everything to death.

Perfect Chaos himself is an ironic "just deserts" to those who sought "perfection" in worldly ways-- through control, power, and pride. To such people, "perfection" meant becoming like a god, but not like God.

…

 

Jewel Lightraye's Daemon is Dendrite Aorta… or so we've been told. Jewel herself, being the heart of an entire identity bloodline, is paradoxically as unstable as she is invincible.

She is the fear of forgetting oneself??? and the vice of pride.

Jewel's mind and heart are both deemed intrinsic to the very existence of the Spectrum, as is the integrous preservation of both, and as such she has a fatal proclivity to consider herself perpetually innocent. Dendrite exists to tell her, awfully but honestly, that she's not. And that is terrifying.

…

 

Jay Iridos's Daemon is Infinitii Eternos. Ze personifies fear of intimacy and the vice of lust, shockingly so. Ze is named after both heaven and hell themselves, in a sense; the "infinite" potential of "I and I," of two become one, and the "eternity" of "nos," of "us." But whether that unity is of ardor or abuse, remains to be seen, and that is the terror.

 

 

 

What about me, then? Who am I, now, really?

I'm not Mr. Iridos or Ms. Lightraye, even though their hearts are still so close to mine I can feel them in my very ribs. They switch out and front on their own now, separate from the Core function, having held that hierarchal honor in the past and now relinquishing it to… who? Who am I?

I am of their bloodline, inevitably. But what "surname" is mine? Do I carry something new?

The Lightraye purpose of birthing the League, the Iridos purpose of sustaining the Spectrum… I must admit, although those functions still exist and are executed, they are not in the first place mine. When Leaguework is done, I am almost a ghostwriter; I know Jewel moves these hands in her own way. When Spectrum work is resumed-- literally as of Thursday night-- Jay is still front and center, the core that carried what time we forgot, and must integrate to continue onwards.

 

We've moved into an apartment. We've entered an entirely new reality-space. Body care and life awareness are suddenly prioritized. Religion is more fervent and beloved than ever before. Existence has changed on the outside, but what is it inside, now?

The Spectrum has been dormant for years. Now that it is awakening, who am I, within it?

 

I still love Chaos Zero, with my entire heart, God knows I love him enough to die. That is proof that I am a Core, that I am a genuine coeur and love is my absolute foundation.

 

But what is my name? Am I red, or white, or cerise, or even brown? And do I have a Daemon?

I can feel Infinitii is not mine; since Jay woke up, all the hidden love for hir has bloomed again in him. But he isn't tied to Chaos anymore. I am. And… that cannot be ignored. I'm the Prism, now; I'm the heart of glass through which the Light breaks into colors. But it all feels like echoes. There have been so many cores, and they were and are so alive, so real… I feel so empty, and hollow, and wrecked on some level compared to them. Maybe it's bleedover; I am sure there is still so much healing to do, on levels we haven't looked at, solely because innerspace has been closed off while it rebooted.

 

We'll work on it. I promise. As of right now it is 12:30 AM, I need to be awake at 7, and grandma is still in the hospital, God be with her still.

I must sleep, and pull myself together, however feebly, until morning. Pray that God reveals to me who He wants me to be, in truth, in respect to the entire life He has given me. Pray that He shows me soon, and that I can see it clearly when He does.