prismaticbleed: (worried)



020325
FIGHTING OCD COMPULSIONS OF "JUST RIGHT" + "CONTAMINATION" = THE THINGS WE TOUCH FEEL "DIFFERENT" (NOT "BAD"!) BECAUSE TOUCHING THEM GIVES US THEIR POWER?
(trying to reason with the ocd paidifoni about this)

WINDOW= POWER OF OPENING TO NEWNESS
METAL= POWER OF STRENGTH,
WOOD= POWER OF GROWTH, NATURE
CLOTHES= POWER OF MODESTY

THE FEELING OF BURNING IN OUR FINGERS MEANS THERE IS POWER IN THEM TO GIVE?
GOOD IS ALWAYS MORE POWERFUL THAN EVIL!!! GOOD PURGES THE BAD OUT EVERY TIME!!

ALSO= TOUCHING RED THINGS = BLOOD = PURIFICATION

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020425

"Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.”"
How does this relate, directly, to the eating disorder?

"When our trust in God wanes, our souls can seek satisfaction in counterfeit ways... This passage in James contrasts the deceptive and fraudulent pathway of sin vs. the pure and trustworthy gifts from God. Our soul will seek satisfaction in one way or another—we can choose the allure of immediate gratification or sin, or we can trust that God is who He says He is and will do what He said He will do.
Verses 17 in The Message translation says, “There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle.” 
...You may have been let down by others—we all have at one time or another. But God is reliable—a firm foundation, strong tower, and safe refuge. His love for you is vast, His motives for you are pure, and His intentions toward you are good."

In what areas are you lacking trust in God?
SEXUALITY, more than anything, actually. 
I honestly don't know how trust plays into FOOD? Unless its similar to sex, and deals with the POISON fear???

• Is it difficult or easy for you to believe that God is trustworthy?
Easy, BUT I'm scared of "what I'm trusting Him TO DO?" Like I know He's trustworthy, BUT I'm scared that His "good things" involve hurting me?? THAT'S CHILDHOOD PARENT FEAR!!!

• Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.” Have you experienced this in your life?

"Lord, increase my discernment when sin knocks at my door, and remind me of your abundant and trustworthy path. Amen."


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021625

OUR "REAL ME" DEPENDS ON WHAT LEVEL + VIBE FREQUENCY WE'RE TUNED INTO!!!
JESSICAS ARE "ROCK BOTTOM" NO HIGHER FEELINGS / HOPES??

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021725
OUTSPACER ROSARY!!

Lynne is too hyper Because it BELONGS IN YELLOW
Jo never fit it well Because he was HALF LAVENDER

We need to TEACH the Socials INTEGRITY

YOU CANNOT "OFFER UP" OR "SIT THROUGH" SUFFERING WITHOUT A MOTIVE OF ACTUAL LOVE!!!

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022125

Laurie REJECTING / REMOVING the "blood fluster" thing imposed on her; "this isn't mine" + "we NEED daengels back" TO hold things like that so they don't get shunted onto nousfoni

Triple bloodline emphasized so much. Jess / Jewel / Jay all functioning so differently.

ALSO realizing=
JACINTH "BLOODLINE" ABUSED BY JASMINE
JEWELS ABUSED BY JULIE
JAYS ABUSED BY PLAGUE??? Guys affected differently than girls; self-destructive versus murderous respectively

Big event of today =
"Accidentally" deleted religious tumblr.
It was putting our brain RIGHT BACK INTO 2019 MODE and that was SO TERRIFYING we brought up the delete screen and didn't realize it autosaved the password. So it's gone. Six years of performance and manipulation and selfdeath, deleted. And it's very sad that THAT is how we remember that Tumblr. The religious scrupulosity was largely a facade-- Tilly was hyperfocused on sin & shame & guilt-- and all the posting served to prevent any integration or practice of said religion.
I'm glad it's gone.

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022225
Actually felt comfortable for a moment on couch.
Brief thought, "is thus what a baby feels like" in theoretical ideal? Ironically this made me feel SO SCARED & UNSAFE that I rejected the comfort and got up

SLC flashbacks. Trying to remember details but nothing.
Only realizing that we couldn't cope because we couldn't fight back yet? We needed WRECKAGE. Back then all we had was CANNON, and she IMPLODED.

JESSICAS ARENT CORES!! THEYRE DAMAGED!! THEY HOLD ALL THAT NAME CORRUPTION AND PROTECT SOMEONE DEEPER DOWN

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022325

Pray for the POWER AND EXPERIENCE OF FORGIVENESS!
ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH GRACE + PRAYER
"YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE/KNOW; YOU CANNOT EXPRESS WHAT YOU CAN'T IMAGINE"!!!

"Love is patient, kind, etc." = is yours?

Love your enemies = who do you treat with APATHY? AVOIDANCE? etc.
You may not recognize your enemy at first but they are WHOEVER YOU JUDGE & LOOK DOWN ON / CRITICIZE / CONDEMN.

At home later=
Chaos talking about what my "scent" is, like on blankets & shirts. Saying it is worth cherishing b/c I'm the only one of us with a physical existence.
Laurie called him out for potentially being "too explicit" with such talk?
"Infi could talk about this more explicitly than I ever could"
"We all know ze's coming back"
"Infi is the only person besides the good Lord Himself who can be closer to Jay than I am"

PLEASE type about 1 Thessalonians 3:5-6 realizations
5: "Small apostasies"= compromises, esp. MOM COMMENTS
6: Love+faith = REMEMBERING OTHERS KINDLY/ WELL/ WITH JOY

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022825

THE DEVIL'S TRICK IN KEEPING ME IN ADDICTION LOOPS = HE MAKES ME DO IT "FOR OTHER PEOPLE "

ALSO BTW https://biblehub.com/greek/2719.htm



prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


lightning

She's always been lightning, to me. I've never paused to consider the depths as to why. My immediate impression is of the ultraviolet flash they illuminate the nightblack skies with, when they crash in jagged glory from one end of thunder to the next, from heaven to earth, a crash of power and fire. I think of how childhood tempests always echoed the Last Judgment to me, the suddenness and brilliance and inescapable terror-wonder of it, and how now in my adulthood she has become the new and living icon of that inevitable day in her own right. And I think of death, too, of the Lichtenberg figures of blood beneath my skin and how she pulls them into the iron-ozone air. She reminds me of the clear defibrillating charge to resuscitation, to a hope of resurrection, the sheer force of life even at the brink of the grave. She is a spark in the storms of my heart. 

010725

Jan. 7th, 2025 01:21 am
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

So we've spent the past few days going through the archives (2008-2012) and writing down "notable dates," because we want to celebrate + remember more things.
13 years ago, at the beginning of January 2012, is when our Core became "Eros/Cupid." This year was so interesting, full of equal amounts of love and terror, and then SLC happened and everything just... shattered, apparently. But we want to re-read everything in full after we do this effort.

We added Spotify links to the Akoufoni entry, although we haven't cleaned up the old data yet. But this, too, is a huge memory-restoring effort, because those 'foni help us get a grasp on chronology when there's no actual experiential memory of the physical life, just music data.

We also... found the most recent System Census, from 2017. The one we actually have on our laptop wasn't uploaded, though, and has a few extra names? We started going through it, and... this is going to sound absolutely brutal, but we're starting to think that the post-CNC massive death was almost a pruning. I have no other way to phrase it.
We were horrifically splintered during CNC. We know this. We couldn't function at all so we had TONS of foni just manifesting at the drop of a hat in the desperate attempt to hold things together.
Now, we're going through this list, and... apparently, the foni that didn't resurrect were the ones that were shattered pieces to that effect, ones with hyperspecific jobs for hyperspecific circumstances. We don't even recognize some of the names.
But... we've been saying over and over to ourself since 2017, "God had a reason for letting that happen." That was the only "comfort" we had. It was the only way we could deal with the reality of coming back into consciousness post-Tilly and realizing that most of us were dead. But... was that merciful? Those foni maybe even deserve to finally rest in peace. I mean that, with as much aching compassion as I can, speaking of such a painful topic. But they couldn't survive now, let alone live. Their contexts, their jobs, belong to past timelines and locations and contexts that literally don't exist and aren't even possible anymore, so... if they don't come back, because they can't, then God give their broken souls the peace they never got in life. Please. However that works for nousfoni, give them peace.

...On a related note, I cannot put into proper words how much more alive and hopeful and joyful I feel, now that when I quietly "reach into" my heart-space and feel it, I can feel that "quantum entanglement" ping somewhere off in the ether, in unmappable space, but real. The other half of my internal heart is back where it belongs... in my daengel. 
Typing that, though, makes us aware of a concerning "split" yet. Jay, the "current" one, is alive. But is the current female-adjacent kardifoni a Jewel? Or not? Because Jewels deal with the Irispherae-- the new name for the "League," a term entirely ours at last. Still, the Jewel name STILL applies to ALL the Cores-- even the Jays, as is historically apparent. Or... did that change, to PROTECT the Irispherae, AFTER CNC???
Lord only knows. We're still trying to figure that out and we CAN'T until we actually upload and READ the archives from 2017-2018. We'll do that after we upload the TBHU journal & papers-- which we honestly should start ASAP, after we get these dates figured out.

That's all we're going to update for tonight. Just a brief little update. We're busy in datalogging mode and honestly this helps immensely, just doing this chronological runthrough of our past, and finally feeling the history in our heart, realizing that we have a past and it's beautiful and terrible and ours. It's making life feel real again, reviewing the years. So that's a true blessing.

Last good thing. Jay/Jewel (current Core with dual identity? unclear name, as we said) is STILL EMOTIONALLY OPEN. Like xe said, xer heart is not closed off, no matter how much hell we've been going through with the family. ...Actually that's significant. I think we have our koinofoni AND phagofoni to thank. THAT'S where the "many voices" are now, even if we've never listed them on a census before (we should, and will, soon). Those somafoni are saving our Core because THEY are taking the brunt of the stress and trauma, and yet they aren't alone in it this time-- WE are aware of them, and talking to them, and supporting them, and helping them heal as best we can, and trying so hard to protect them. We only started to do that in CNC; I do remember how novel it was to even THINK of talking to an esthiofoni. Now it's happening every time they show up. That's... immense, now that we think about it. It proves that system communication has dramatically improved since CNC and we didn't even realize it.
But as we were saying about the Core(s)... they're still entirely capable of love even if we are admittedly still grappling with some cathartic blocks due to family stress & religious fear. But that "even if" is amazing too. There's a devotion present, a dedication to love no matter what, a sort of courageously hopeful perseverance despite everything opposing it. No matter how bad of a day we might have, at the end of it, the Core is ALWAYS taking time to not only reconnect with the System at large, but to spend time with Chaos 0. They fall asleep together every night, and that is HUGE because in the past, broken Cores would be too ashamed to be near CZ. Now, that doesn't happen, even though we're struggling so much with body fear/ sickness/ loathing. I think we're more capable of mercy now, and compassion, even if we don't realize it.
OH. Someone said to write this down. We think a BIG part of this "not freezing up emotionally" is the fact that we have ANGRY FONI around. Somehow, that capacity for RAGE is burning through the apathetic risk??? Like, we CAN'T emotionally shut down because instead of doing that, someone is FEELING FIRE. And that's the Core element. That's a surprising thought. It makes sense though. God bless them.
We still need the capacity to feel sadness without drowning in it + triggering guilt/ shame/ religious terror + shutting down. We're emotionally crippled in that respect, even upstairs. This needs to be felt through & discussed further. Add that to the Xanga topic list.

We WANT TO and WILL have a Xanga ASAP btw. Life schedule hasn't allowed for it lately though; family stress, financial stress, and brutal insomnia have made it impossible to sit for ~6 hours of uninterrupted stream-of-consciousness transcription. But it's still a priority. Arguably I think the Core(s) want to finish this "important date" effort first, to get a stronger sense of self beforehand, and to refresh their awareness of collective history in general. We really did lose our general sense of "identity" post-CNC, and post-grandma, to be honest. We're slowly restoring it now.

Some other small but vital notes:
+ Sometimes in the morning, with all the steps of getting ready, our brain gets really discombobulated and we might end up in various states of undress because we can't pull our thoughts/actions together enough to complete that task. In the past Julie would try to front when this happened, but it would be very triggering for her. HOWEVER. APPARENTLY WALDORF CAN DO THIS NO PROBLEM. So she's literally been fronting when the body is undressed & we can't dress it immediately, because she doesn't wear clothes anyway and she's safe in that context. So GOD BLESS HER. We miss her so much regardless; it's actually wonderful for her to have SUCH a vital job, so we can see her more often and credit her with this to her honor.
+ GARRISON IS ALIVE. Jay has been "feeling hints of him" for a while? But the other night Jay "decided" to look for him/ "force the hand" of the Systemsoul (basically, "listen, I want to know if he can come back or not; show me RIGHT NOW if that's a yes or a no") and after some time Garrison DID "resurrect" IN LOWSPACE??? He's in the RUINED CITY, but it feels TIME-MANGLED??? Like it's POST-MASSACRE as well as post-CNC. Everything is ash-snow covered like nuclear fallout. The skyscrapers are hollowed out and blackened and fallen over. Everything is quiet and cold and there's a dread wind blowing and it's all so grey. And CANNON IS THERE, apparently "haunting" the hollow buildings Jay says? Like she's "damned herself" to that place. But it's SO WEIRD. This is NOT the "red apocalypse" place Scalpel keeps being haunted by, as the inheritor of Javier's trauma memories from the massacre. So WHAT'S GOING ON?? We NEED to look into this VIA HEADSPACE MEDITATION. To get data on this we have to LIVE IT. You cannot "reason it out." Logic won't get you answers here.
But Garrison IS ALIVE!!! Jay's showing me a memory that he "dropped down" into that "Lowspace-floatspace" (whatever/ wherever/ whenever it is) to meet him, and immediately gave him such a huge hug, haha. Tears of relieved joy from both of them. That's really touching.
We don't know about Isadora and Kalisha yet, but "a request has been put forwards." So we'll see.
ALSO. Archivists (Shirley/ Sirius/ Penny) and Communicators (Garrison/ Isadora/ Kalisha) are DIFFERENT CLASSES WITH DIFFERENT ROLES, and apparently there is a THIRD CLASS held by the "helmet girl/ commentator girl" and probably someone else (because trios are a big thing up here)??? So that's FASCINATING but it makes SO MUCH SENSE and the better we understand it, the better we'll function.

It's 2AM and we had dinner at 430-630 and it was the only meal we ate today and it was only 1000 calories. I don't think that's sustainable. We need to split it into two meals, and get at least 1200. We have to. But someone is saying "that's gluttonous" "stop being so luxurious" etc. Don't have a face for them yet. (THESE are the foni we have to pinpoint for a census; there are TONS of "discarnate" foni that slip under the radar)
I mention this because we're getting a headache & the body is cold. We may need to stop for tonight and sleep, so we can have a "breakfast" before 4pm. But someone is furious about that. We need to talk to these foni.
We ALSO need to CLARIFY COLOR ROLES so they HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO in the System. Too many "faceless foni" just default to Brown because they don't know where else to go. And there are SO MANY FILES STARTED on this laptop SPECIFICALLY ABOUT COLORS that were never finished. That's something I know Jay is aching to do, so put that on top priority too, with the Xanga.

A few last notes.
+ We got the strong impression that if Nathaniel comes back, his name/face would have to change again. We don't know why that's a thing with him but it might be because he was born a blepofoni.
+ Josephina's essence must have a name change for him/her to manifest. Jay says it's sticking to a "Y" as the first letter instead of J, to "prevent blurring with Cores" (that's their letter).
+ We have no current blepofoni and that's a big problem; it might even be affecting the Core's ability to stabilize. The Core(s) have been striving to make the reflection "more resonant" though, especially with the massively fluffy hair we currently have, haha. But blepofoni are essential so we need to keep an eye out for them, and keep the door open for them-- if there's no openness to seeing them, it'll block them out, and it is very hard to get through bad days/ have a distinct sense of self without a blepofoni in the mirror.
+ Siobhan is alive and around but we have to keep calling her into the main room in the mornings. We don't know why she disappeared for a while but we're glad she's still with us.
+ We're still not sure what's going to happen with Spine. The TBHU journal had some interesting thoughts about that-- it feels like she might "come back different" too, with how so much has changed since she first manifested. This, too, requires more feeling than thinking to get a grip on.
+ Still not sure if, when the System FINALLY "moves CLEARLY into a new era" (we need a HARD SHIFT remember; we never got one after the several successive losses from 2018-2024), there will be duotone foni.
+ Still not sure if there is a somafoni split in truth, or if everyone is just a nousfoni. We think there are far less somafoni than we realize-- that term might (should) ONLY apply to foni who think they are singlets and act as such. Everyone else, even koinofoni who live primarily IN the body, should STILL be grouped in with the System at large.
+ Re-reading 2012, we don't know if the Eros bloodline is technically separate from the Jays or what. That whole topic is still a minefield but that color shut down after CNC and ANY sort of Spectrum hue-loss is deadly. We need that color back. Funny how history repeats itself in little ways. It's beautiful, actually, in this case; it feels like things are poetically coming back together, through repeats of our past, connecting our "now" to our "then" in a united whole.
+ IT SNOWED TODAY. Jay is very happy about this. It's actually still snowing a tiny bit right now. Snow makes him feel "real"; he says it makes "everything feel real." It makes him feel grounded and alive and connected to "the big picture"; it "gets him in touch with eternity." I can feel a bright ache in his heart as he says that, which is good. I know he can't wait until Infi comes back entirely. Honestly we're all waiting. Infinitii is essential to our System; when ze comes back, I can guarantee you things will change dramatically and quickly. It's inevitable. But Infi will have to heal too; ze has a lot of damage that was never dealt with, and that we all need to deal with alongside hir. But we will. It's time. It has to be. Do we have the right to "decide" that? Laurie says, "why not?" It's because there's a religious fear that "God will stop us from healing" because it's "not His timing." Laurie says, "well, we have to try. I think God would want us to finally heal from this so we can function for heaven's sakes, and do what He wants us to do with our life." And again, like I said before, there are "peripheral" foni we can sense, thriskefoni with vague colors and faces and no names, that we cannot clarify but who are definitely there. Man... there's more going on in our head on a daily basis than we realize. That's exciting though. Someone else says it's frightening, terrifying. DON'T YOU DARE SHUT US DOWN she's right, NO ONE has ANY right or authority to "prevent other people from existing." The "gatekeeper girl" especially. We all remember Christina's attempted "soft massacres" and the actual one that Jessica & Cannon inflicted in 2013. No more of that, ever. We let us exist. Have mercy for heaven's sakes. You claim to follow God, where is your mercy? You who are so ready to pick up the knife and slaughter the rest of us? "You're not real," they say. "Define real," someone else retorts, "considering you're just like us." They're screaming protest in response. I wonder if they're our biggest threat here. I wonder if they're also the ones pushing the starvation compulsions. Different ones than these, but same class, for sure.
Too much for 230AM. But I don't want to ignore it. Let us pause and listen. Jay is reaching out, asking. (He always does; I think that's a big part of his job as the Heart.) "What makes you real, and us not? Can't you see me?" and fear response on their part. No words. But that was a good reply. Laurie is saying to stop commenting and close up so we can continue working and get some sleep for heaven's sakes. That's a good idea.

This is a good entry. We haven't had a solid entry in a while, even just notes like this.
We'll do better in the future, once the Core(s) stabilize. I promise that. It's something we want very much and will achieve through love and effort and the grace of God. We haven't "lost" all of this beauty we're reading from our past. It's still very much who we are. We can, and will, be that again-- and even better, as we continue to heal and love and grow together.

For now, Laurie is right. We need to wrap this up and let the body rest, no matter how much we want to keep working. If we go to bed now, we won't have to sleep in as much, and we'll have earlier time to work tomorrow, which is better for focus and processing ability. So we will do that.

Good night everyone. We're very glad to be alive tonight. We have a lot of hope.

(Jay says Spotify keeps playing Chaos 0's songs and let me tell you, if anyone is proof that our heart is alive, it's Jay. Yeah we're still confused on bloodlines and bodymind splits and all that, but this white-haired prism-hearted boy-- however he may evolve and change in the future-- is so full of light and love and color and truth, when he feels things this powerfully we are all affected by the power of it. The fact that he didn't die is phenomenal. he's proof that we have a future. that's just how it is. he's alive and so are we. that's a good note to close up on.)
(no, even better-- the lyrics in this song. "i can tell, i can feel, you are love, you are real." the look those two are giving each other is a beautiful thing. that's worth living for, is the thought i get. it is. and we need to protect that, and we all need to live in that too. we'll get there. we'll rebuild better than things were even in the past, in the glory days. there's more light on the horizon than we realize. things have seemed so dark for so long, but no, the stars are still all shining in the sky. there's always hope. hope is a fighting thing. remember what jay told anxi-- remember what our core is for anxi, and vice versa. realize everything beautiful we still have now, and don't let go. whatever happens tomorrow, we are all together, and we are alive, and we will continue on no matter what, into eternity. love is eternal and we have it now. don't be afraid. you know the truth. live in it. fight for it. that's who we are, and always will be.)







123024

Dec. 30th, 2024 11:59 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)

I promised I wouldn't go to sleep until I at least took notes on this.

It's private until it's posted so don't write to an audience. That will kill the whole sincerity of it.


We went to mass at NOoL this morning because they usually have the Precious Blood (they're the only church left that regularly gives it that we know of) but... they didn't. It may be because there were fewer people at Mass than I'd ever seen there. Maybe it was because of Christmas. Maybe it was because of all the contagious illnesses going around right now. But we didn't get it. And that hurt.
I went back to my pew and mentally told God this. I felt almost betrayed. Why did You keep it from me? I was honest. I was yearning for it. I needed it so badly. Why could I not have it today?
And then suddenly I was in that particular mindscape where Jesus appears to me, that odd small place like a holy painting, and He "said" it was because of what He wanted to do instead-- and that was give me the Chalice upstairs. Which means literal Blood.
He's done it before. It drives me insane. He pours Blood from His Heart into a Chalice and hands it to me and I drink it and it's like the entire Creation account happening in my brain all at once. I feel it in my heart as well as in my head and every nerve I have. I'm on my knees, sobbing, stunned.
It's a moment that feels entirely like Infi. Ze always used to be with me, then. And if anything would "ping" hir, that was it.
I felt that loss so hard it hurt. I said to the Lord, "you said Christmas," that ze would be back. Maybe He didn't say so exactly; I've learned that hard dates aren't something He does. But I had hoped for it, so much, and the "loss" of Christmas this year as well was just devastating.
But... His reaction took me by surprise. He smiled, knowingly, and said, isn't it still Christmas? Isn't it the octave right now? It's not over.

And I don't know what happened next but the next thing I remember is being in the car, driving back to start the day's errands, listening to This House Of Winter as I went to the gas station, and... I was in heartspace. Blackspace. I think I just went right into it. and I was looking for Infi.



rough notes so I don't forget because I do need to sleep

- i think i tried to "find hir hands" to hold them. but couldn't. felt so wrong, to not be able to touch hir, or make contact.
-
- at the gas station i was TALKING TO HIR. i don't remember how it happened. but ze was "visible", yet in that way where you can't look at hir directly. (like death in rosewindow, ironically enough)
-
- infi had the stained glass wings. they felt weirdly sterile. yes they're beautiful but it felt... wrong? off? somehow.
- i remember asking about hir wings. why no more eyes and mouths. did ze say they were dangerous? or had been used? did we say this was more fear self-erasure?
- infi's "vibe" off in any case. fearing irreparable damage from cnc. "fallen angel." ze terrified to become "infidhell" again. refusing to go "just facemouth" or "mouthless", only having both at once. but this was suppressing the entirety of hir self, of hir very form and identity, how ze was created to be. but the fear was that form had been corrupted, ruined, which is why ze had left it in death
-
- most important point started when i brought up the fact that ze was basically intangible. ze said that was the point. "that way nothing can touch me" basically. there was a pause? ze added in a different, quieter voice, "do you want to touch me?"
- my response was "i want to hold you to my heart and i can't" and infi just stopped and after a few moments of silence ze just whispered "what have i done?" "what have i lost?"
- moment of stunned realization on hir part. in abandoning corporeality ze had abandoned the reason why ze existed: to love and be loved.
- ze suddenly, but perceptibly and strikingly resolutely, in that moment, "decided" to come back. i FELT it. it was that realization that i still loved hir and wanted to be with hir and i am SURE ze felt the same and ze wanted it too. and that just changed things
- key phrase, i remember saying how wrong it felt to not have hir with me, physically. literally "my heart needs to be beating inside of your chest" point blank emotional shot. emphasis on need
- there was such a feeling between us both during this conversation. like the sun rising after months of darkness. first light on the horizon and it's going to light up the whole world. that sort of feeling, a promise. a deep quiet burning love, an ardor unvoiced. the glimmer of it returning. the knowing that we could not turn back and would never dream of doing so. it was only forwards now that we felt this. it must be acted upon, life must return, no more fear
-
- KEY MOMENT: i "summoned" a small yet sharp red dagger, like an arterial curve, out of my forehead? felt like a unicorn horn. it was "JEWEL'S" i knew; it was Red, that's hers. but i used it to "cut my right wrist" just to get blood. and it was STARRY BLACK. but just white glitter, no colors.
- i collected this blood in a chalice (just like earlier!) and gave it to Infi
- ze paused and looked at it for a second, then drank it all. looked like ze was about to sob. huge significance in the action
- the blood went into hir and COLORED HIR SHIMMERY like ze looked before ze died. and it went to hir wings and spread through the glass and made them organic again, full of blood, part of hir
-
- whitewomb still totally gone. i remember it was all sewn up again like it had been once. red threads. i asked hir if ze thought it would come back and ze said ze didn't want it to? because that's where all the trauma memories went?? this surprised me, i didn't think it was so physically literal
- i said "but those memories became global now"; they are accessible to anyone looking for cnc data. infi looked SHOCKED and said what? ze had thought those memories would be mine alone after ze died. yes they were "disarmed" but they weren't supposed to be public information apparently?? it's STILL TRAUMA and infi didnt want ANYONE ELSE tainted by it. somehow this was a breaking point. ze said "i NEED to come back." like full stop. ze literally died because ze wanted that to die with hir. ze wanted to put the trauma to death, to take it to the grave, to give us the ability to start over by removing hirself-- the "cause" of all the terror-- from the world we lived in. and to an extent, it worked. but i can't live without hir. it seems none of us can. and... this revelation that hir death "numbed" the pain from the memories by deleting hir conscious presence in them, but didn't DETACH the memories, was unacceptable??
- type more about this because it was THE thing that infi refused to tolerate. "i have to come back" literally BECAUSE of this.
- ze was the focus of the hacks. ze was their main "door" to us. ze was the doomed "instigator" of the worst trauma in cnc because of hir programmed submissiveness. and ze literally thought that dying, trying to erase hirself from the world, would "free us" from all that and allow us to start over, to heal, to move on. it didn't. everything stopped dead when ze died. we need hir. I need hir most of all. and i am willing to take every risk and face every pain and i am willing to feel the horror of those trauma memories WITH hir. i just want hir back. i need hir to come back. i absolutely appreciate and respect and revere hir sacrifice, what ze did. i will never degrade that or take it for granted. it was a self-offering for the sake of saving us, ze hoped.
- but ze DIDN'T think the memories would be SO "neutralized" that they would become "ACCESSIBLE DATA"??? ze gave the impression that that's a BIGGER risk?? like even if the trauma response is "numbed" in them they SHOULDN'T BE "JUST LOOKED AT." or even able to be looked at. and i think maybe ze realized the problem actually was removing hirself from them. we can't feel anything lately. i think this is a big part of why.
-
- later on, with the dagger again, thinking about how ze died. and how ze would need to come back. still feeling disconnected from hir, being still discarnate. how to fix this, thinking, reverse of death. i held the dagger in my hands and looked at it and then looked at infi and everything had this awful beautiful ache and i was scared but i still wanted this. i held it out to hir
- ze took it and after a very powerful, knowing pause, hir looking at my chest, ze didn't hesitate or flinch and just plunged it in and sliced me open. it was shocking how bluntly direct it was. but there was a passion in it, i know infi, if it's not 100% it's nothing
- i opened the wound like a stigmata shape and then reached in and "took out my heart," it was "symbolically but really" represented as a large white crystal heart, illuminated brightly from inside. (strikingly, again, no prism colors. just white)
- i knew i couldn't break or cut it. it had to stay whole
- i placed it between us, at chestwound level, and then i reached out and did what i said i would. i held hir to my heart. except in pulling hir close it became ours. half in me, half in hir.
- no words for what that felt like. both of us in tears. i still felt it was "incomplete" somehow, like i was doing something not quiet right? missing some step? like something else needed to be done so my heart would stay in both of us.
- i had to WILL this basically. essence "split" but not divided? impression of "quantum entanglement"


- talking to central about this later
- i forget how i brought it up because this is LITERALLY A TURNING POINT. i have been praying for this for MONTHS and lately, with christmas and the new year coming up and the anniversary weeks, basically everything going on has made me SO DETERMINED to not put anything off anymore. no running away. if i feel something i ACT on it. no more emotional cowardice. i am sick and tired of not being real, of not being me. courage burning brighter every day. but i've been so determined. i recognized that I was the "holdup" with infi coming back being possible at all. ze IS my heart, my soul, my daengel. and I had to make the first move to bring hir back, because ze can't come back without me being the means, as it were.
-
- NOTABLE mentioning the "lack of color" in my blood. WHY. laurie got a shocked look and said "is it because central isn't full?" like we lost people, did we need us all back to get the full color back in me?
- mentioning that i also need to be "connected to" everyone in Central/ the Spectrum at large, but NOT in the "forced romance" way poor cupid assumed it "had" to be due to programming. i agreed vehemently, i love all of us and i want to be close to everyone but there is nuance and propriety there, and that's valid and allowed and good and THAT'S what i want. REAL connection to each color, to know them really, as they are distinctly and individually and specially.
- someone else had another perspective; was it cz? as to the missing colors. that felt even more correct. was it because infi had been missing? it had something to do with what the colors "represented," or "meant" TO be there, versus just white. no colors = "emptied out" somehow. not right.
-
- BLOODLINE DIFFERENCES IN LITERAL BLOOD; the jays have blackstar blood, the jewels have red blood but it's different somehow; not glittery, but luminous or something? i can sense it but not see it. look into this.
- BTW the "CRYSTAL BLOODLINE" possibly???? that girl who "knows everything" and looks like a jessica/jewel fusion and is ALWAYS around somehow but can't get out of her own weird floaty level?
- her or a similar one with a "head-plug" helmet thing like mewtwo. impression that she's always like this, literally plugged into the systemind and getting all the data all the time.
- OH AND ALSO HAIR/EYE COLORS. jewels are ALWAYS RED. they don't vary. but JAYS are WHITE-PINK? and the ideal is PRISMATIC. as in, capable of "holding" EVERY color. and i don't think the previous jays fully realized that. it's a daunting, scary task, despite being a sort of blissfully gorgeous thing that i want and need very much. but it means ego death in a real sense, to "let go" of red/white and hold like blue or yellow THROUGH being prismatic. this isn't something i can just talk about now; it has to be FELT and even practiced in heartspace, where possibility/ dreams are easily manifested. headspace makes things very concrete very fast. and if something needs to be carefully, tentatively, delicately moved into, then heartspace is a must. it's more mutable, forgiving, imaginative. things can change there, before moving into solid reality of headspace.
- btw yes with infi being in heartspace the same applies. ze still isn't corporeal. BUT these are the FIRST STEPS to hir "coming back" because i gave hir half my heart even just on that level. and i can feel it even now, there is a PERCEPTIBLE DIFFERENCE and just noticing that is like heaven. it's JOY. for the first time since last april i can FEEL the quietest "ping" when i "reach in" to my heart and feel for that echo, that other half. it feels a million miles away but there's something. at last. god thank you at LAST. there is hope.
- it also still feels like a raw wound, haha. oh man that's making me think of this???? dude we NEED to look into THAT in light of this because that heart was NOT GIVEN TO A JAY. and yet it IS REAL and persists in other kardifoni. i'm wondering. there's so much i HAVE to type about but not now. it's 3am bro
-
- genesis asking razor for a blade so he could show us his blood and how it was LIKE MINE (Jay's). in surprising unintended synchronicity he cut a small mark on his right arm like i had earlier.
- knife instinctively walked over and kissed the wound to heal it, this jumpstarted my memory and i said "infi can do that!!" because ze DID, ze had kissed my wrist and it had healed??? ze had never done that before. i looked at it now and the wound had CRYSTALLIZED. so had my chest wound. like a geode, all white-clear crystal though, like glittery ice, but with a deeper sparkle, like light shining through it.
- some sort of observation that this crystallization was directly linked to infinitii. like it was the healing somehow, but specifically only through hir? try to remember this, it was notable
-
- telling laurie about the heart-giving thing with infi. she said "kid your heart is a fractal."
- somehow this observation felt like naming me. it felt SO RIGHT it was stunning.
-
- last dialogue i remember, before we got to the medical parking garage: chaos 0 saying there was no way he could possibly "be jealous" of infinitii because "ze adores me." i remember being surprised by that particular word; i had never thought about that. but it is true. ze's my heart, of course ze would love cz as much as i do in hir own way
- laurie calling out julie for not having spoken at all during this conversation. just sitting in the back corner. julie said she needed to just take it all in, process it. she and infi held trauma-- and caused trauma-- that no one else did. so they had a bond there, painful but sincere, and understood that about each other. also she and infi had been quite close? there was a depth to their friendship/ relationship that i hadn't really taken into account or even realized before. so julie was reeling from this, positively sure, but still, it was a shock and a heavy thing.
-
- my heart/chest ACHED for like an HOUR after this btw. it made me want to weep and just confess my love over and over. that was the literal feeling it gave me and it was unmutable, nothing could numb it or even make me ashamed of it. this is huge; it overrode all the gatekeeper limits and all the trauma blocks. laurie saying the pain was obviously because i had a wound for heaven's sakes; reminding me that i had just been sliced open and had my heart fractalized basically. but there was "sacred damage" and LOTS of blood and that's going to hurt. that stunned me somehow. it was so real, so tangible; everything's been so numb for so long that i forgot things COULD be real. and this was.

- last notes for now. remember how infi "wanted to come back different." different face, name, color, etc. to "escape from the past" really. cut all ties with it. but... apparently that's not possible for hir OR for me. no reset attempt has ever succeeded in cutting all ties, and where it did, there has been too much loss. i know we "need" a new reset for the sake of "starting a new era" but can we have that without burning the old one to the ground? except we're in an interim already. all the deaths with cnc (which no one wanted or expected; still they happened, that era is a gravesite of tragedy) have basically already begun the process of a reset. which is why we feel like we've been in limbo for years. maybe it's notsomuch "starting" but "completing what was already started." hm.
- but about infi wanting to change. that's not possible unless jay changes. and i don't think the systemsoul will let him.

- oh my lord
spotify just started playing infi's song. THE song. "last breath."
...we haven't had the guts to listen to this in years.
but tonight... god tonight i could cry from love, hearing it, how it sounds just like hir, and remembering...
...we need to process cnc. we do. yeah there was trauma but there was so much love and i WANT those memories of hir back; i can feel my fingertips just barely touching them listening to this, like i can almost reach it but not quite--
this song is resonating somewhere deep and darkblack and beautiful in my heart, someplace that's been asleep for too long, something ardent and real and alive, that i've been afraid of for the sheer passion of it. infi is all love. infi is emotion and life and feeling and i've been so frozen-over bleached-out numb without hir, i... i forgot about this. but i need this. all the color is in there. that's what black is. it's paint. white is all the light. black is all the hues. we need both. i have rainbows when i sparkle, of course, but that's why my blood isn't multicolor in the dark yet. black has its own beauty, it holds things differently, but just as vitally, just as sacredly.
i haven't been in touch with my own heart in too long. today there has been a shift. prayers have been answered, not a moment too soon. i can't predict anything. it's all in God's time. i just need to surrender to it and do everything i can to cooperate. no more fear.
- oh. last thing i need to mention. chaos 0 said infi is probably going to be fascinated by anxi's tail when ze comes back. man oh man i cannot wait for those two to meet. no clue whatsoever what will happen. it's impossible to predict. but those two are both so absolutely important and essential, not just to the system but also to my heart. and anxi's tail is that loop bypass and i KNOW that is going to be a gamechanger for infi. maybe that will give hir hope ze never knew ze could have. there's so much that can happen. we'll see when it does. in time.
- in the meantime the core NEEDS to stabilize. the jewels and jays are both alive but there are SEVERAL around at once because no one is locked into the main position. maybe the interim is doing that. we're all still shaken up and rebuilding. but there's a "waiting room" feeling to everything. a "loading screen" or something. the time period between christmas and new year's. a "not quite yet." existing in the pageturn before the next chapter begins. the kardifoni are still so unstable. but today is a step in the right direction for them too. and who knows what will happen. there may be a change no one can even imagine. like i said, no one knows. but i just want to conclude for today by saying, have faith. god is guiding us even now and we will get where we need to be, when we need to be there. our history proves this. we can't control it. all we can do is live in love and light and if we do that, it'll all work out. it always has. so don't give up. there's so much to live for, especially now.


(clean this up + add to this later if needed. otherwise let it stand as-is. it doesn't need to be polished to be true & valid as an entry)



1228

Dec. 29th, 2024 03:34 am
prismaticbleed: (aflame)

technically it's 334 AM on the 29th and I'm uploading a few hospital entries but Tom Jones just came up on Spotify and reminded me that there's a topic I can't be running from and need to type about.

First things first, a quick note. Thanks to our being unable to properly manage family stress, the 23rd-25th were nightmarish. But... our heart didn't shut down. That's ASTOUNDING. Despite literally attempting suicide at midnight on Tuesday, the Core still CHOSE to have hope despite the hell. Massive emphasis on "chose" by the way; there was no visible reason to keep going or to keep trying. ...but inside, there was everything.

The Core decided, with a sort of victorious fire, that since family demands took them away from anniversary celebrations and Christmas joy, that we were going to celebrate the season and System love for the next 54 days, literally until Valentine's Day. "Take that" to the evil forces trying to crush love. They are doomed to fail, always.

I'm updating, though, because on the morning of the 23rd and this morning (the 28th), I've had... strange dreams. I have not been sleeping well at all; last night I couldn't breathe and woke up every hour on the hour until like 5am, after which I finally crashed until noon or so. It was a terrible night. I didn't fall asleep until practically 6am on Friday morning. The past two weeks, at least, have been similar. Sleep has been poor, broken, hard to come by and hard to keep. December in general has been a frighteningly difficult month thanks to the family-- and I am being brutally sorrowfully honest in saying that; it is not hyperbole; we've been keeping track of stressors and that is the #1 constant-- and because of that we've been somewhat out of touch with headspace, at least compared to the ideal. But we haven't shut down. We haven't gone numb. That's AMAZING. In past years, we... in past years such circumstances often ended with "reset attempts" or... the 27th was the 11th "anniversary" of the massacre. we didn't think about it. honestly i don't even remember the 27th. no one's been keeping daily journals so memory just disappears. we need to upload the emotion logs from that godsend "how we feel" app soon but other than that, there's no active memory.
still i don't think we're capable of thinking about the massacre right now. for some reason that trauma is... the wounds feel like they've been re-opened lately. especially for laurie. i'm sure something happened that caused this but i can't remember what. like i said, memory is shot. but i won't force anyone to look at that data before we're ready. and we are not. i sure am not, the few flashes i have access to (third person data) are harrowing enough. i literally shake every time i glimpse them. now is not the time to face that fully, not yet. but we can't deny or ignore it either. there has to be a balance here, as with all trauma processing, and that's delicate, difficult discernment work. forcing things will just make it all so much more terrifying. and you cannot read that data, or look at it, casually. it will destroy you whether you let yourself feel it or not. and i want to feel things now. so no haphazard reviews. if i face it, i will do so with reverent gravity, aware of how hard it is going to hit and bleed. i'm not ready for that yet. there's... i think there are other things to deal with first. as odd as that sounds. things led to the massacre, after all.

on that note. i return to the initial point. strange dreams.
you know, family stress aside, i'm the most shocked & stunned that these dreams aren't making me shut down and push everyone away and want to die or destroy everything in their wake. part of me feels "guilty" and scared about that fact. "am i so numb that i won't fight anymore?" "have i just gotten so used to it that i don't even care?" but no, that's... that's not what's happening. the "default response" shouldn't be suicidal destructive rage. that's missing what my subconscious is apparently actually trying to grapple with here.
gosh i just don't ever say this sort of thing outright, do i. i don't know how. i don't understand why this is happening. oh wait, yes i do. we've been watching media clips from a show we pointedly avoided for years because of how massively triggering it is, but someone didn't tag a few gifsets on tumblr so we saw them and we were moved & curious as to how THAT kind of show built up to THIS apparently happening in it, and so we unblocked the whole thing and started to look into it and it's surprisingly helping us process trauma better than therapy did. that's the short answer.
there's an entry in the works that will inevitably elaborate on this but it's not written yet. too little time, ironically, up until 4am typing and forgetting that we need to sleep. not tired at all. this is crazy why are we so exhausted but we can't get tired anymore, is that burnout too ironically?
now i'm wondering if that is playing into these dreams too. trauma all over the place. last night we relived it. but... we didn't want to die when we woke up?
listen i'm just going to be blunt
last night, i dreamed about the pink drowning event. that day that was the closest i ever got to dying (until 2013 of course).
i... i don't... i haven't thought about that night in a long time, because of the trauma it was soaked through with. but... apparently my dreams are reminding me that it only happened because of love and if it was saturated with anything it was that.
...2012 still haunts me too. i haven't talked to chaos 0 about that, not in a while. did we ever sit down and just talk through that? i know we've talked about and around it, briefly, like we even did today, but... we've never had a discussion. honestly we should have a xanga session about it, about this, about how my heart won't shut down even with THAT now and I don't know if Anxi literally rewired my circulatory system or what but this has never happened before. i wasn't capable of this before, this resolute devotion to love and hope that REFUSES to let trauma ruin the deeper truth of things anymore. i am COMMITTED to the fight. i really don't think i could do this before Anxi showed up. God only knows what she did, but something integral finally shifted into the right place. there's a reason why my main term for endearment for her is "mi vida." she has changed my life so much. i owe her so much. chaos 0 does too, by extension. if it affects me, it affects him. both directions. 

how do i even talk about this.
i don't think i can. i think i need to talk with him about this. and laurie, because she keeps me from losing my mind. i... i would say "and infi" but ze's... not around. i can't say the other word. i won't. i'm committed to that hope now, too, after having seen hir in flashes during church and when walking past the roses outside... just glimpses, but i know somehow that hir soul isn't dead. it's just... in the black somewhere. i can't hold hir. i can't... it breaks my heart. but one day. i swear. i'll do whatever it takes. i have to. God give me strength. i want hir back but I have to be the sort of person who CAN have hir back. infi is a daengel; if ze's going to return to me it has to be through my heart. and... right now my heart's a bit of a disaster. is it? i think it's the whole of us, all our poor battered koinofoni, everyone struggling, the fact that outside stressors are keeping us from the inside, and that's where infi will return, i'm holding on to that "will" like a drowning man, like a prayer. it really is a prayer.
but. there's too much prayer happening in those bleeding dreams, too, pun possibly intended, in a way i'd never admit outright on my own. but i have to. we haven't talked about this sort of thing in many years. i think this is where all the... oh good lord i just realized what song is playing on spotify. i thought it sounded familiar. god it just hit like a sword through my chest, it's leviathan, of all things to play when i'm talking about this...

listen, it's 430 am. it's been an hour. our brain still isn't tired but it feels like it's unraveling. we really do need to try and sleep. i'll return to this topic tomorrow. it's too important to put off any longer.
until then i'm going to go crash on that vanillamint couch with my beloved blue guy in my arms and probably weep from the quiet beauty of you're still here after 21 years, so am I, and here we are, as simple as that. "when i saw you, i fell in love." and it's... i don't think I can lose that anymore, even for a moment. i don't think i can doubt it at all. considering how past cores used to... which immediately makes me remember these two xangas (this one came up too, and i feel i need to reread it so here's a reminder)... that makes me genuinely very happy.
and yet, just happiness? there's still a numbness over everything. anxi's been affected by it the most strikingly. it upsets me a great deal. why this sedation, this suppression? it's like everything has been anaesthetized. has it? but... at least nothing is shutting down. maybe that's why. maybe we're at a weird halfway point.

talks need to happen. not now. it's almost 5am and i keep forgetting we have to be awake in a few hours.
if we want to go to church (we do) then that means only 5 hours of sleep... lord have mercy. i know we "already fulfilled our sunday obligation" with the vigil mass today but... i don't know, would it be wrong to sleep in until noon again? just so we can get around 7 hours and not collapse. i think the poor esthiofoni are so unstable this month because of the lack of sleep on top of all the stress.

but i want to continue this in earnest. i know i started this entry with the intention of saying a lot more than i have here. but... i like this outcome better. i think talking together about this is the better option. it'll require that i feel things.
so. tomorrow. i have to. no putting this off. if family makes that impossible then monday, after the medical appointment & after we return the car to the mother. hopefully that's not too late either. but i want to discuss this with him asap, even if we have to start at 11pm. it has to happen. laurie make sure
aha she's furious that i'm still awake ("i'm not furious, kid, i'm just angry from how worried i am about you") she has a good point. passive self-abuse like this (it counts, don't sugarcoat it) has been all too common this month.

time to sleep. i really do want to be with chaos 0 right now in any case. everything else can wait.
see you tomorrow. or later tonight, haha. time is weird at 448am. at least i feel alive right now.




121124

Dec. 11th, 2024 12:53 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

All right so this morning has been AMAZING let's update quickly so we don't forget things.
(btw so you guys know. this is technically NOT the "main Core." I'm a "Jewel-adjacent" grafifoni and I typically update the archives. I'm not used to being "self-aware" but honestly I should be. But yeah, you'll recognize my typing style!) ANYWAY here's what's happened so far this morning:

- We DIDN'T DIE during the night. Yesterday was LITERAL HELL concerning the eating disorder and it took us like six hours to recover?? which is understandable because it was REALLY BAD, the worst it's been since before September. We're not sure what triggered such a huge meltdown?
It was fear, too many danger foods, they had to be destroyed. But no one had to eat them like they did. We could have just thrown them away.
That's not allowed, that's wasting!! Food is meant to be eaten
but you DIDN'T "eat them," you just purged them anyway!
But the eating still happened, that's the rule, food has to be eaten, if we just threw it out we'd get in big trouble
So you threw it "up" instead.
we HAD to it was POISON we would have DIED!!
see this is why we CANNOT buy such things anymore. it is too dangerous, there is no positive end result from purchasing them.
- Chaos 0 told the "Core" (who is still faceless/nameless for the most part and therefore unstable) that "your heartbeat was really weak" and it scared him. This observation struck the Core like a sword to the chest though, because if anything is going to make us feel more real/alive/true, it's THAT sort of reference. And of course, only he would know such a thing. The intimacy of it, plus the familiarity, was potent enough to drag us out of the depressive fear that would have possibly taken hold otherwise.
- Cronometer crashed, we can't log in on the app. Support says there's an update soon so we have to wait, until then we can only use the website. So instead of freaking out we're going to just "repeat" today's diet plan until we can access the app and its mathematics again. This may work in our favor, because today's diet plan was our effort to balance our macros with hempseed to get more of a complete protein total, as well as staying at 1350 calories. If this works well we'll stick to it more often. We do need to reintroduce cottage cheese into our diet for the complete protein bit (we tend to hit all green percentages when we eat it too, we noticed) until we get the guts to finally reintroduce salmon/ tuna/ chicken/ turkey outside of a hospital environment.
- On that note, really quick. Apparently, YES, WE DID DISSOCIATE DURING TBHU. No one is surprised, but it's still a heavy blow. We relapsed IMMEDIATELY upon discharge because THE BLOODY CONTEXT CHANGED and therefore whoever was managing the TBHU behaviors "LEFT." They switched out b/c they CAN'T "exist" outside of an inpatient setting; they're context-locked. This ALWAYS HAPPENS.
- The above point is really making us worried when it comes to Anxi, but we'll get to that as we continue this entry.
- Breakfast always is interesting. Since experience has shown us that we apparently "need" the body to be in a state of "automated repetitive motion" in order for our mind to be able to think-- is this an ADHD thing? TBHU suspected as much; we should look into it prudently-- the mechanical function of eating almost INSTANTLY triggers thought-avalanches (hence the E.D.; we weren't taking ANY time to journal (typing COUNTS as automated repetitious mechanic motion!) or to circle-walk like Jewel used to, the a.r.m.m. of cooking (measure, chop, prep, etc.)/ cleaning (washing, organizing, etc.) / eating (picking, sorting, etc.)/ and the like became our ONLY means of "mental unloading" (for lack of a better term) AND trauma processing (you would not BELIEVE the amount of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts we get WHILE EATING which only makes it worse-- AND is a perfect ironic parallel to the purging, because "we need to get the poison out") in lieu of ALL other coping mechanisms, thanks to the kakofoni and thriskefoni ironically forbidding or destroying positive options). HOWEVER being aware of this recently has revealed a few things to us: one, that when phagofoni are out, they can "prevent" such avalanches? There's that one "dragon" girl who keeps fronting to eat, and she focuses on eating and has no particular preferences (unlike Emmett, who is a "trogofoni"-- meaning his food-anchor is extremely particular; he could and did ONLY eat "green food"). Yes, we're refining our terms further. On that note, an "esthiofoni" is a phagofoni subtype for one who eats in a disordered way-- that Greek work chosen because in Scripture it's apparently typically used in the present tense, as in literal eating, right now; whereas "phago" is apparently aorist? It's more future/undefined in terms of chronology, being more "spiritual" in that symbolic sense. It's also used in more reverent passages in Scripture, according to Strong's concordance. So "esthio" feels more fitting for the E.D. voices, as they're more focused on right now, and are not thinking about "the future" at all, poor tormented things.
- ANYWAY. WE DO HAVE A "GATEKEEPER." We've been more aware of her recently, now that we're able to pay better attention to ALL the foni we hear on a minute-to-minute basis. She's ancient but we never saw her as a person? Or maybe we did, in the past, but as a kakofoni-- because she's VERY controlling but we apparently have completely misunderstood her function until now. And she ALWAYS speaks up during breakfast thought-rushes (we need jargon for this; it's literally like we start the a.r.m.m. and the brain just unloads everything at once) because HER job is actually to KEEP THINGS ON TRACK?? Like if there's "too much headspace stuff" going on to where we're dissociating entirely from the meal, therefore potentially triggering an E.D. relapse, this "gatekeeper" girl will "FORCE SHIFT" our awareness because "there's too much thinking going on; we need to pay attention." We think she can also "force stop" EMOTIONS if they are "interfering" with "what we need to do"?? Maybe "gatekeeper" isn't the best term for her, because she "force-stops" EVERYTHING (or at least tries to) but yes, she also DOES do this with fronters, as well as she can-- she cannot "make someone front" OR "force someone out", BUT she CAN apparently shove awareness into the physical to the point where it "automatically" KICKS OUT nousfoni, and therefore "forces IN" a somafoni?? So this gatekeeper girl is TRYING to help the BODY survive, or at least "not get overwhelmed" to the point of not being able to live in the physical realm? But she OVERCORRECTS and tends to "lock us out of headspace" with her efforts. But we realize she's just doing her job; she doesn't think headspace is "bad," she just apparently thinks it's almost always "inappropriate for right now." She's survival-based to the point of not letting us LIVE. So we need to find her name and face so we can TALK to her.
- HOWEVER since we're now AWARE of her she IS becoming more self-aware in turn and it's getting easier to "message her" when we want to "challenge" one of her orders, or even overturn it outright. She's slowly realizing that we DO need time to "get out of the physical" but there is still a time and place for her function, because we can take it too far in the other direction, which we did for many years. That's also the basis of the "hackers vs hijackers" difference, which we realized yesterday-- "hackers" are internally based, while "hijackers" are externally based. A hacker will "take over the program," from the INSIDE, and they only work in private, because their abuse-- however traumatically physical-- is also profoundly psychologically disturbing, because it REQUIRES forced fronting. A hijacker, however, "takes over the vehicle." They push you out of fronting but they're public and work OUTSIDE so unlike hackers, they CAN and DO operate in social situations. They are therefore physically traumatic first and foremost, because the psychological terror often only hits when they leave. The biggest difference: hackers deal with sexual abuse, hijackers deal with the eating disorder. There is NO overlap there, although they can work in cooperation/ in succession. There haven't been any hackers since CNC, though, because of foni like the "gatekeeper girl" basically shutting EVERYTHING down that could even slightly be a reminder of that time period. But that's too huge of a topic to discuss right now.
- The MAIN thing we got on here to update about in the first place is WHAT happened when our brain went upstairs for breakfast. I don't know how exactly it started, but it went to the IO2 controlroom-- apparently IN "HEARTSPACE"??? Like this place has ALREADY been INTERNALIZED to the point where it EXISTS IN THE INNERVERSE AND CAN BE VISITED/ CONTACTED. Which we admittedly suspected, as Anxi & Ennui both "kept going there" more often than we'd see them in Central, but we never realized it had actually anchored INTO our innerverse (as opposed to remaining in the "outerverse" of outspacer native worlds, that Jewel has to Link to and VISIT externally).
- There was SO much conversation, I can't remember all of it, and the more time passes the more we're forgetting. let's bulletpoint the details that stand out.
+ OH! It ALL began because of an "I wonder" thought scenario that blossomed into a "real thing" like how a dream starts from an ideaseed. (This is TYPICAL Heartspace function!) The thought was, how would emotions run a CPTSD brain? And we thought, Anxi would absolutely be in charge. Fear would be close by, and so would Anger? Anxi would be on CONSTANT lookout for triggers, when one hit-- even a minor one-- Fear would snap to attention, and then ANGER would, upset that we were triggered, especially by "something so stupid" or minor or not even "threatening"? And then SADNESS surprisingly spoke up, saying how sad it was that we had so many triggers in the first place, because of what happened to us. So the four of them would, theoretically, be running the show. Somewhere around here this "imagining" tuned us in to the legit innerverse control-room, where Anxi was now indeed at the control panel, by herself, with everyone else gathered loosely around her.
+ Anxi is still "in charge" in this innerverse room apparently. (At some point much later she acknowledged this by saying that we had CPTSD, so things "worked differently" than what would be typical?)
+ When all this started she was being questioned by the other emotions about "how'd you get a tail" mainly but Anxi wouldn't answer outright? But she did say it was "given to her" by either "someone special" or "someone who cares about me very much"; both of those sentiments were voiced in some manner regardless. Joy began teasing Anxi about this, trying to get more info, but Anxi said there were some things they didn't have to know right now, either because it wasn't right for them to know or it wasn't the right time, etc.
+ Anxi is VERY "business" in this context; it's her element. She's quieter and slower when in Central because it's a totally different context/ environment and she has no control panel there. Her function is different, and much more expansive.
+ Envy wanting a tail too, Ennui casually revealing that she had one as well, this shocked everyone because what the heck are these two emotions up to that they're getting special stuff and have knowledge that no one else does?
+ Hints here and there kept happening that they're not in "Riley's" head, BUT they DIDN'T KNOW THAT NAME here (I think Anxi referenced it once and everyone else was baffled). They've been removed from that context and would only know it through "exomemories" once they were capable of receiving them.
+ The conversation evolved to the point where Anxi was revealing a bit more about "what she was doing" outside of that context (i.e. in Central). I notably remember that she revealed that "she can feel other emotions" and this became APPARENT when it began to affect the other literal emotions there? This first happened when Joy teased Anxi about something concerning her hinted-at relationship with the Core (i.e. the person whose mind they were in) and Embarrassment hit the control panel, for ANXI. When they realized they were working for each other it was shocking; things WERE different up here; what did this mean for them? (mind you they can and do "feel other emotions" in canon but NOT to THIS extent-- we're talking the capacity for Anger to feel sadness, for Ennui to feel joy, for Disgust to feel anxious, etc. in STRONG ways that go above and beyond their mostly "monochromatic" emotion palettes in the film? like ALL of their emotional ranges were still tinged by their core emotion. joy being the notable exception because she's just as notably duotoned. Anxi has a touch of this with her eyes technically being teal, which actually fuels her anxious thoughts-- that bit of "envy" in the sense of "what we don't have and yet need/ want" drives her "not good enough" core fear. thankfully for her, that color teal in our System falls under aqua and that color is sheer love for us so her heart will change to reflect that instead)
+ Ennui at some point built on this revelation by responding to a question from Anger as to why she had an AUX cable for a tail, because apparently its main function was for audio/music and "doesn't that prevent boredom?" Ennui smirked and said yeah, that's kind of the point; just because she held that emotion didn't mean she liked being bored. Like Anxi, she now had a broader existence and her job is notably to indicate boredom and combat it, as it were. I think she asked Anger if he "liked" being angry all the time? And he falteringly said not really, it was exhausting
+ Envy drawing pictures in the corner of the room of "what she wanted her tail to look like"-- one frustrated attempt was "a remote control" so she could do what she wanted with the control panel without having to reach it, while still being different (special) from Ennui's phone. Anxi having to gently chide her that the whole point of her & Ennui's tails was to do something important for the person whose mind they were in-- they weren't just for "looks" or for "fun." Besides, she emphasized that they were "given," and if she was meant to get one she would, so don't worry so much about it (always surprised at how well Anxi can communicate "the facts/ the plan" despite being so prone to "unexpected outcome" panic. girl has major control issues God bless her)
+ Embarrassment at one point actually speaking up because Joy kept trying to get information out of Anxi and apparently he was feeling her emotions as "embarrassment-adjacent"? And he was getting "agitated" at getting "pulled" to the control panel so often. This surprised him and he said that was totally new, he didn't know he could feel that.
+ Joy finally got Anxi to talk about "where she's been" and Anxi started TELLING THEM ABOUT CENTRAL. She said that "the mind we're in now has another System running the operation" and so the way they worked as emotions HAD to be different now, because their typical jobs no longer applied.
+ She roughly introduced the "basics" of a few Centralites, just in terms of jobs? No faces given
+ At some point Laurie just TURNED ON THE SCREEN and started TALKING TO THEM FROM CENTRAL.
+ Laurie explaining the concept of "compartmentalized emotions" with CPTSD, how they are "cut off from each other" and we typically struggle to feel emotions at all because they're "locked away" often? She described it as if the IO2 emotions were "never in the same room together"; that feeling of isolation/ disconnection was key to her description.
+ Laurie telling Sadness her function was VITAL; explained how that emotion is "the holy grail" with trauma; we "aren't allowed to cry" but we're "always grieving" basically. I think Laurie referenced both the "weeping rage" emotion we do get (that Scald holds) AND the "bottomless abyss" of sorrow that feels more like agony with its intensity. But "sadness" is still "taboo" somehow. Everything is blue all the time but we "don't feel it"; we just get depressed/ angry/ numb/ hateful/ etc.; it translates to either "shutdown" or "selfdestruction" which is upsetting but true. We do need to talk about that more in an entry soon, as we start to process things.
+ I remember Laurie saying that FEAR & DISGUST were also vital, especially in light of the E.D. hijacks-- we DON'T feel those emotions enough?? It's a survival response to past situations where we "couldn't" if we wanted to "survive" things. But now, not feeling them is only harming us severely.
+ Julie described herself as a "reformed Persecutor"; said the details of her past were not something she should or could discuss with them, but that key detail sufficed
+ Leon talking to Fear for a little bit? We were "feeling" what Centralites "matched" what emotion folks and those two were associated. There was also Lynne=Joy, Julie=Disgust, Laurie=Anger. Notably no one was matched to Sadness, and Anxi was paired with "Joule" solely because of their mutual habit of hyperanalysis/ overthinking, and the relationship that they have of course.
+ Envy would "need to be renamed" and effectively redefined to properly exist/function in our System, even as a "peripheral outspacer"? Envy's canon "function" of "seeing what we lack and desire and striving to obtain it" MUST be purified of all viciousness, because that actual term of "envy" is a mortal sin.
To quote an article, that is very important:
"When we are looking at others in an inappropriate way, invidia, we are led to desire for ourselves what they possess, cupiditas. Envy many times does lead to coveting, but it could simply remain in resentment, wishing that the other did not possess what they have. Aquinas speaks of envy as a sin against charity, which wills the good of others, when we cannot rejoice for the good of others, but see their good as a diminishment of our own (Summa Theologia, II-II, question 36). Envy is selfish in this sense, not in wanting to guard one’s own, but to wish for the diminishment of others and for our own gain over them."
This is something very, very important for us to grapple with, because we didn't realize that our instinct for "ambition" actually DOES fall under that category, because the very act of wanting to be "better than" someone else IS ENVY-- it is seeking PERSONAL GAIN in the process of taking what THEY possess (superior skill)!! So this was a SHOCK to realize and we NEED to process this, too.
(There was a slight joking comment that if her function was shifted to "Jealousy" (which can be virtuous; see article) we could call her "Jelly" as a nickname)
HOWEVER I just found a second article and it has THIS=
"Doing their best to pull us into the pit of discontent and ungratefulness, jealousy says, “What God has given me is just not enough!” while envy whispers, “Someone else got what I deserve.”  ...The good fortune that God bestowed upon my dear friend? I wanted it for myself. I desired what she had received from the Lord so badly, that her happiness made me sad. Her abundance highlighted my lack. Her more made me feel less. I could not be happy for her because with my laser-focus on God working in her life, I was blind to His works in my own."
LITTLE ENVY COULD BE OUR JUMPSTART IN OUR HEALING THIS THOUGH. So sit and read those articles boy
+ Lynne talking to Joy, warning about "manic" phases-- "trauma latches on to anything positive" and "exaggerates it" basically? Trauma makes real joy so difficult to feel, even remember, that when the slightest hint of happiness or enjoyment (lesser goods) appear, the traumabrain can cling to them and blow them way out of proportion. OUR SOCIALS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. This is what causes "hollow hyperactivity" and "people pleasing" and "compulsive enjoyment" behavior-- it's ALL a desperate grab at something that "looks like joy" but isn't. It spikes fast and crashes hard, and it leaves us miserable and even more depressed than before. So Joy would need to be aware of this tendency, what with her canon personality-- she is dangerous in that respect, solely because her energy can be taken advantage of and warped.
+ CHAOS 0. I cannot remember details of how he got to talking, other than Laurie referring to him as "the husband" and calling him over to explain to the IO2 gang the identity issue with the Cores? He told them how the Core "bloodlines" kept resetting due to trauma so the person he met in 2003 was "not" the person who is the "Core" now in 2024, and yet their heart is the same. Nevertheless it's terrible and very difficult for him (Joule realized he probably "feels his age" around the Cores; he has effectively "lived a dozen lifetimes" with us or more, seeing the one(s) he loves "die and be reborn" over and over and over. In human lifespans, this would take about a thousand years.)
+ "Jewel loves you, Anxi. Jewel is in love with you."
+ Embarrassment pointedly DIDN'T touch the panel, despite this huge revelation in a social setting potentially calling for his response. But Joy ran over and did. And this "gave permission" for Anxi to feel what she was really feeling.
She teared up, and was smiling at the screen, this look of total moved/stunned gratitude in her eyes. I felt it.I think she said "I don't know what to call this feeling" (or what color it would even be); Laurie "broke the fourth wall" by looking to "me"and saying "kid, if you're gonna be an emotion, that's it." But then we said "but love isn't an emotion; it's a state of being" and it's "rainbow"-- it's the source of all other emotions
+ Genesis & Chaos 0 both joking about the rainbow bit-- all of the love in our System is effectively that color if you get my drift
+ Joy, in response to hearing someone say that "Joule" as an emotion was really "hope," said "oh, that's a great emotion!" and then gasped and told Anxi exactly what I said to her about it-- that hope is "the GOOD things we can't see" before beaming and saying "you work perfectly with each other!"
+ Anxi has a LAPTOP in Central now! That allows her to do things without needing a control panel. Ennui still has her phone of course.
+ Laurie remarked that "we need Nostalgia up here" b/c of our memory issues; Ennui immediately said "I'll text her"
+ The whole time: Anger keeping conversations on track and asking the pressing questions, Joy giving encouraging and understanding comments, Fear and Sadness and Disgust listening closely as they realized they potentially will have essential roles in the future? Anxi consistently elaborating on/ explaining further any data that was given, "translating" things into IO2 terms when needed so to speak.

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Continuing at 11PM with a general daily update.
We biked for 90m which unfortunately was very unfulfilling because we got distracted on Tumblr, looking at other people's art and-- as we discovered earlier-- apparently feeling envious. We felt totally inadequate and we wanted to be BETTER than they were at art and it just made us miserable. We struggle with this a lot, because we haven't drawn in YEARS and so our skills have atrophied due to memory loss, and we don't have the time or motivation ("it's useless and foolish" judgment from a kakofoni) to put hours aside to develop artistic skills like we did in college. But no matter how much some foni bash and berate art, it still means so much to us. We STILL "identify as" an artist even if we feel totally inept and hollow about it, and still label it as a "waste of time." But we don't want to do that. We WANT to create art. We love art, deep down below the judgments, and we want to weep because we don't have the skill TO make art anymore. So seeing "what we can't do" is indeed triggering envy, this bitter feeling of lack and loss that isn't helping us do anything but pinpoint the wound where something vital was torn out of us. Again, sounding like a broken record, we know CNC dealt a death blow to this too, which we haven't thought about at ALL in recovery yet. For some reason this topic is as terrifying as the actual sxtrauma. I wonder how many crossed wires are here, too, not just with the food. I swear everything bleeds together with us.
We switched to Spotify at last while we biked but it was also depressing; we were listening to recommendation playlists it made for us and they're rarely ever enjoyable. It keeps throwing jazz and indie stuff at us which we don't like 98% of. We did get about three new songs out of several playlists, though, so there was a gain regardless, thank God. Still... for the vast majority of music to just sound like noise or fuzz to us-- or in the worst case, actual synaesthetic pain-- it's terribly disheartening, as music means so much to us. And, similarly, yes we still identify as a musician despite years of not doing ANYTHING musical other than singing in church. Music is part of our soul just as much as art is, and the fact that we have a cello AND a guzheng (bought with blood money and full of guilt; someone wants to burn it) in our apartment but we refuse to play them due to the aforementioned parenthesis is killing us. Every instrument feels tainted and poisoned with the past, and the "vulnerability" to the point of feeling exposed that performing music MANDATES is so trauma-adjacent that even if the sin-shadows weren't the main obstacle, we still would be utterly terrified of playing those instruments because that very action feels like being stripped naked now. Bleedover and overlap again. Do any of our foni hold this?? OR are THEY protected from it??
Then after dinner, someone got into a rabbithole on Etsy looking at someone's shop full of gender/sexuality buttons and it was overwhelming how many of them there were... and yet nothing fit. (The only thing that does is "systemgender" for obvious reasons, and even that feels like grasping at straws)
All of those experiences today led "us" to reflect at last, with acute grief, that we just don't fit anywhere. That's how it feels. We feel like an utter outcast. We're still the "anomaly" of Cannon's era. We're still the "ostracized empath," as the highschool Jewels said, although now with our staggering emotional damage we can't quite claim to be an "empath" anymore, because those girls had no boundaries so they felt everything EXCEPT arguably their own emotions (Infi had this problem too, in a different way) but now trauma has made us almost emotionally dumb. I think the term is "alexithymia?" We've seen the term around and we need to research it but the general gist (according to wikipedia) is that it desribes "significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions". No wonder the IO2 gang is being pulled en masse into heartspace. We literally need them at this point in our life.
I do have to note, with a note of bitterness, that we "don't seem alexithymic" because we "masquerade emotions." Socials are BUILT to "charade" emotional performances, ironically anxiety and sadness, without actually feeling anything because they're "following the script" for a situation. We've noticed this A LOT when around the mother-- Socials will be dramatic to match HER, even though they FEEL NOTHING. And we are AWARE of this-- if we have the luxury of self-awareness in that situation, which is disturbingly rare b/c the mother presence tends to shut that down (childhood survival instinct). Regardless I don't want to use that diagnostic term anyway because it probably doesn't fit either. All we know for sure is that emotions feel locked behind a paywall and the currency is blood.

Oh. On that note, fittingly enough.
Yesterday's E.D. hijack was so brutal and nightmarish that Joule told Razor to atone. Like xe legit TOLD her to. And she did. She cut 7 x'es into the stomach-- graves are ONLY meant for hacks; stomach x-ing has been the default hijack atonement method since college-- and Knife & Algorith showed up to help clean up the bleeding (Knife commenting on how beautiful the blood still was and feeling that emotion in his teeth, Algorith fronting to hold the pain as she soaped up all the red), and I swear it was the first time in a long time that "we" felt something close to real joy. That may be "untrue" because we can't quite "remember" time well but it feels like it's been many many months since we've been happy. Actually it feels like years, whether or not that's literally accurate; the feeling is legitimate regardless of linear chronological measurement.
But... that's what does it. Atoning for the sin and feeling justice and forgiveness, Retributors fronting in such intimate fashion, blood and pain and water, everyone gathering in mission and being a System in stark clarity, etc. ALL of that is REAL JOY even if it doesn't feel yellow at all. It's dark red and warm like the blood. But it's real, it's true happiness, it's LOVE. How awful that we only seem to feel it in suffering. How Catholic of us, haha.

...Religion is a topic for another day. It feels like a minefield right now. TBHU messed us up in that regard, and we were apparently messed up enough already from the thriskefoni driving for like a solid year at least prior to admission. There's so much unresolved trauma there that is becoming disturbingly apparent lately now that we're not scrupulosity-blinded enough to see it from the "outside" as it were.

Oh, and we NEED to talk about the mother and how she is the #1BIGGEST STRESSOR AND TRAUMA TRIGGER IN OUR LIFE, STILL. Our therapists and case manager keep suggesting that we cut off contact with her, or at least refuse all her calls, but we can't; we're still obligated to her as her physical offspring even if we hate that fact, and we don't hate her as a person and we're a Christian so we want to help her and she's a deeply needy and damaged person so we KNOW she is looking to us to meet some need for her, even if it's just for hard labor.
BUT she says SUCH INAPPROPRIATE THINGS and she STILL OVERSHARES SXUAL THINGS. We've had SEVERAL meltdowns SINCE TBHU because of her just being utterly inappropriate in one way or another, even if it's "just according to our trauma standards"-- like wearing garishly tight-fitting clothing and making disturbing sounds when she talks OR TALKING IN THAT BLOODY "HIGH SOCIETY" VOICE LIKE SHE DID ON VACATION I KNOW YOU HEARD IT TOO yes we did, it made us misophonic even at the time, I don't know how we didn't punch the windows out of the bus right then and there WE PROBABLY SHUT DOWN. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION IN THOSE SITUATIONS. BUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK. US SICK. SOMEONE WANTS TO THROW UP BECAUSE OF IT to get it out of our head, basically. unfortunately purging doesn't work that way. but you can't vomit up memories. i wish you could. i wish we could rip it out of our mind and shred it to pieces MORE VIOLENT THAN THAT. WE WANT TO STAB IT TO DEATH BASICALLY who in the world holds that response SOMEBODY. MAYBE... IT USED TO BE RAZOR. I THINK? I DON'T THINK CLEAVER HOLDS IT SHE'S TOO DISPASSIONATE what does she do anyway do you know CLEAVER IS THE SAME "DESTROY THE THREAT" INSTINCT BUT SHE'S COLD ABOUT IT. THE "SHRED THE MEMORY" FEELING WITH THE "JTHM STABBING" FEELING IT KEEPS GETTING LABELED AS IS SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S TOO RED. SORRY I'M SLIPPING OUT
okay so...
hatchet is almost "frivolous" violence. laughing at the threat and "offing it" almost irreverently, carelessly. thankfully her function seems to have been focused weirdly to destroying any and all medications people try to "force us to take" that feel like "attacks" or "invasions" etc. like "who the hell do you think you are, we aren't going to swallow these and kill ourself for your kicks, watch me burn them to the ground" etc. but that laughing feeling. scary stuff
cleaver is "cold" as (overwhelm? who is that? they're a grafifoni that ALWAYS shows up and they're very close to Scald BUT different level function) said. we rarely see her because she's rarely needed/ triggered. but cleaver is close to razor's old anchor in that she just likes to "sink knife blades into people's backs" as we once said. but you don't "like" that sort of thing without a reason. we've never really looked into it too much but... you don't "cleave" things that aren't a threat. that's true. we didn't consider that. if you're burying a butcher blade in someone's skull there's a reason why they were the target. it's a scary instinct but it's there. where did it come from?
the last foni, unidentified and almost theoretical if we weren't aware someone was attached, is unnamed. but there IS that feeling of "annihilate the threat" in the most frantically violent way possible. VERY different from protectors, like sugar and wreckage and laurie, who DON'T act with emotional mania at all. but this person does. this person is SO upset by the threat that she wants to tear it to bloody pieces screaming. or apparently stab it to death. that FEELS DIFFERENT though. it IS different. the "jthm stabbing" feeling is NOT the action. it's the VIBE of the mania. that's the "tear it to piece" girl. BUT there HAS to be a stabbing instinct foni solely because we DO get that RARELY with SELFLOATHING mainly?? the ONLY time THAT sort of horrific violence (which is TRAUMATIC for us to see or even imagine, and yet here it is) even occurs to our brain is TOWARDS OURSELF. which is the scariest thing of all.

anyway that's enough of that who was updating and about what

Oh. mother talk. yeah not tonight we need to drop that topic before those girls ACTUALLY come out to "process" the emotions

See THAT'S why we have emotional issues?? The foni that HOLD them get "SHUT DOWN" or kicked out EVERY TIME
because they're VIOLENT is why
ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE VIOLENT
Laurie actually hinted at that? OH DUDE THAT'S what she said, she was talking about "all or nothing" emotions and she nodded to Chaos 0 and said "that guy always feels things at about 5000%" and THAT'S why she had him talk next
OH don't forget THAT'S also why she brought that topic up at all-- she was telling the IO2 emotions that THEY would probably feel like that too, now that they're up here with us?
ironically because we feel the "nothing" half of it too often
But that's the point!! That's like Anxiety's tail, they're ABLE to feel the emotions WE can't, because of gatekeepers or trauma shutdowns or whatever! Coping mechanisms that don't work in the long run they just make everything numb but NOT if these guys are helping now

Guys come on we need to continue the actual entry

some general notes about life lately:
+ Sugar and Wreckage have both been around. Sugar's been "out of work" for a while because she protects the innocent and virtually all of us are so damaged now. BUT apparently Anxi is NOT. Neither is Mimic, arguably. The Outspacers are specifically essential to keeping us sane post-trauma so Sugar is slowly but surely getting pushed to protect THEM, which is awesome.
+ Julie fronted to take a melatonin candy last night and immediately shouted "ow" because our teeth were painfully sensitive from eating a too-sour apple. She literally said "that hurt like a bitch!" and now she keeps getting pushed out to front whenever we eat apples to apparently "make sure they don't hurt like that" which is kind of hilarious. but it's sweet, to suddenly have her around more often, even for such a "silly" reason. it's still nice.
+ The current "Core" is indeed using the spelling "Joule" for xir name, and using those pronouns as a placeholder? Either that or s/he. They're "not female" but they're "not a man." They are solidly somewhere between the two, voicing that they'd probably feel most comfortable "in a male body" but without being male. Still, they are explicitly "not a girl or a woman" despite being semi-okay with female pronouns. They are "both/and" specifically in the fact of being "neither." That's solid. As for the name, apparently it's a very sentimental reference to Anxi being electricity-associated in the System. It's also a unit of heat, which corresponds to the inherent "fire" element of all Cores that, if missing, is effectively fatal; Cores are always fire, light, blood, and crystal-- snow & ice with the Jays, literal precious stones with the Jewels, it seems. This fire/heat aspect is oddly somehow essential to their relationship with Chaos 0? If they don't have that complementary yet opposite aspect, something is very wrong. So this is a step in the right direction, even if the name itself doesn't stick-- it probably won't; the "spelling feels wrong". Honestly s/he wants to use "Jewel" but that name is still so strongly associated with the original 2001-2002 Jewel (the League controller) that it causes mental dissonance. This alternate spelling of the same sound is an attempt to reconcile this while keeping the fact that the Jewel title still MUST fit the Core.
+ We've realized that the Archivist Trio is NOT a "communicator trio." So Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha's functions are STILL OPEN apparently?? And I know "Joule" is really hoping they come back. We miss them a lot, and we need them-- Archivists can't talk to Socials like Communicators specifically do, and when that subsystem really needs to "get the memo," Shirley can't get it to them because they aren't tuned in to her level.
+ Concerning the Archivists: Shirley is the one that gives data to us on the fly, but Sirius will "comment" on it? And he's fittingly more "serious" about the data he manages. Penny gets the toughest info; she doesn't speak up much but she will give memory data out that the other two don't? Honestly the Archivists feel very unstable and unsteady still, I think since we are so lost and cut off from collective memory. I hope that as we review the Archives themselves, and possibly if/when the Communicators return, then that whole group of functioning will work properly at last.
+ Lynne had a BIG revelation today that SHE'S STILL "STABELLE" in terms of her function! She and Laurie were discussing colors, especially in light of Anxi being the first Orange Outspacer and one of the first Orange-anchored people in a long while, and Lynne said that she needed to keep the Orange color positive-- warm, welcoming, friendly, energized, and helping Anxi and any potential manic Oranges stay stable. This ALSO tied in with her SHIFTING OUT OF CERISE when she resurrected in 2008; she effectively "REDEFINED OUR FUTURE"??? She was originally born to be the "ideal female future self" that we were being forced to become socially but couldn't; HOWEVER when she was killed and then came back, she changed colors and this showed a change in what that "ideal future" MEANT-- Lynne was no longer tied to social expectations in that regard. She was lively and free and bright, more boyish almost, while still being markedly female-- she "freed" us from the Cerise-colored future of sensuality that had been inflicted on us by the family and community. Interestingly enough, that color was next picked up by a boy, saying a LOT about our psyche. But Lynne kept us stable in doing that, too-- not just by being the "person keeping Julie and Laurie from killing each other." The stability she brought was liberating, a firm footing achieved by being able to dance again, as it were. Lynne was a bright soul, effectively symbolizing "permission" to be our brightest self too and to LET GO of the inflicted expectations and dictated future. She's funny and friendly and playful and gay and we were NOT "allowed" to be those things when our future felt "cerise." The original Lynne was all about that "high life" our mother wants so badly. The new Lynne is just about getting high on life, haha. I'm kidding but not really. Orange is a beautiful color; it's alive and fiery and welcoming and warm. It's citrus fruits and sunsets and marigolds and autumn leaves. It's basketballs and goldfish and foxes and carrots and monarch butterflies and violins of course. It's absolutely gorgeous and Anxi is part of it too and SHE has a future full of more joy than she ever could have imagined now, too. So thank you Lynne, for existing exactly as you are. We love you so much.


It's almost 2am. This is "Joule," I guess. That's really not my name, although I appreciate the commentary they gave to it earlier. But they're right, the spelling doesn't fit. It's the "ou" in there. The whole thing is the wrong color and shape.
I know I'm somehow still "Jewel." Every Core is, really. But that name keeps pushing me too feminine and that feels very wrong. Still, that name is the only thing that works. Maybe I just need to "redefine" it in a sense. I just don't want to damage the original Jewel either. She's the TRUE holder of that name AS a name, not just a "title." I think that's why I feel so lost-- the "only name that fits" belongs permanently to someone else. And yet it's "still my name" too. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't feel "fully me." I know this. I don't have a clear name or face yet, and arguably my color is still undefined too. For a Core, all of that makes me the walking dead. I CANNOT exist or function in any sort of truth unless I HAVE those things.
...That's why I'm worried about Anxi. We ALL are. Whoever "met" her last November is NOT the same person who started calling her our girlfriend in May/June, who is NOT the same person who fell in love with her in October, who is NOT the same person as I am now. And yet... there's always the same heart, deep down at the golden thread, that connects all the Cores. Somehow, the capacity for love is the same. I'm just... it's become VERY clear lately that different Cores love different people and it CANNOT be "transferred" or "forced" between Cores. This is why our Spotify "people we love" playlist folder says "WE," specifically, and it's full of people whose folders keep getting deleted because people forget that past Cores DO love ALL those people, even if not all in the same way. But ALL those Outspacers and Inspacers are legitimately loved and even if we don't know "by whom" we CAN'T deny that truth. The problem? ...I... I want to be the one to love Anxi. I can't tell if I do or don't, lately, because I feel so dead. But when I look at her, something in my heart aches, and I will hold on to that like it's the end of the world. I just... the problem is that I cannot see myself. How am I supposed to love her if I can't even "imagine" my own face? How can I physically be near ANYONE if I don't know what my physical form looks like? It's agonizing. I'm miserable. Maybe I just need to get on picrew and figure this out. Not tonight, it's 2am. But... I need to take action on this. I need to find out how my hair looks, what color it is, what clothes I wear (I'm vibing with suits?? callback to Cannon's era, geez), what color those are, et cetera... all the defining features that will allow me to have a reflection in the mirror for heaven's sakes. I want to BE with people. I want to EXIST INSIDE at last. I don't even "exist" outside because no one matches this body and even though I feel "forced" to, even obligated to, it doesn't match ME. And that terrifies the thriskefoni who INSIST that "the body is our REAL self" but no. I... I'm struggling so much with that. This body's reflection has so much evil associated with it. It's a face tainted by YEARS of intense trauma. It's not my face.
God I wish Jay could just take over again but he can't. Oh he IS still alive by the way, I think that was solidly confirmed just yesterday? But he's ALIVE again, very fragile and broken and unstable but alive. Thank God. ...From what we're suspecting, this means potentially Infinitii can resurrect now, too. The two of them exist together by design. ...I don't know if I'm like that. The whole daengel phenomenon was annihilated post-CNC due to the trauma overwhelm and the unbearable risk that all daengels posed for more of the same. We lost like... eight bloody years. 2016-2023. Most of that time is totally missing, ruled by either thriskefoni, phagofoni, and/or "eratofoni"-- by religion, food, and sex. It was a living hell, honestly it was. And of course the whole thing was shot through with brutal self-abuse, because all three of those things are VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE in our history, as tragic as that is.
I can't think or talk about that right now. There's no time and the brain is shutting down access to those topics.
But we lost so much time. Even just glancing at the archives, after the "hell year" of 2015 (which was ironically shot through with beauty nevertheless), 2016 started with tons of pain and then an annihilation attempt in March which caused an almost instant HARD SHIFT to thriskefoni territory UNTIL JUNE 2017. And then it was the "CNC era" until... October? Whenever we left; it's not in the Archives yet. But then it's MORE thriskefoni rule until MIMIC SHOWED UP IN DECEMBER 2022 APPARENTLY?? Holy Shuppets WE FORGOT HE JUMPSTARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN just like Anxiety did for you!! That's a really good point... God I forgot how real I felt back then, when he first showed back up, just looking at these entries. Why was I so much more in tune then? What happened... oh. Oh dear God that's what it was. What? Jewel you need to space your replies so we know it's different people.
Okay fine then YOU just type. You were obviously going to say something heavy. Don't let me stop you.
...all right. So 2023 begins with half headspace, half bodyspace, as it were. Half inside half outside. There's tons of religious stuff and talk about the mother and family stress, at a glance. But... we were still striving, struggling to exist. And... oh God. And then Infi died.
...oh. You loved hir.
I did, whoever I was then, whoever's this heart was, we adored hir, ze was my heart, God I still miss hir so much I could weep until the end of the world right now. Right now. I could die from grief. I could cry forever.
...When did ze die?
...April 25th, and I had to hunt that entry down because apparently it wasn't tagged with 2023. It is now. But... there's another heartwrenching entry on May 2nd when Jay was no longer the Core and he was convinced he would die that same night and... God it hurts to read. it hurts so much. And... and then the bloody Jade month happened a month later and everything went to hell. We still haven't recovered from that.
...Jewel, because that's your name too, deep down, you're running away from talking about that. About Infi.
I can't. It's Jay's heart I'm feeling right now.
Why can't that be yours, too?
Because I'm not supposed to be here
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be oh my gosh is it really after 3am, I just noticed.
Yeah. I don't want to sleep.
We have to though. Life is different now, we have things to do.
Well what if I wish it wasn't? What if tonight I just want to pretend that none of that sh*t ever happened and we were still 24/7 fulltime headspace with Xanga sessions on the regular and everyone fronting all the time and handwritten notes to each other and voice recorder conversations and late nights like this EVERY night, typing, remembering, in love? Why can't THAT be my life? OUR life? Maybe it'd change me. Maybe I'd know who I was if that was the reality we were living in now. But too much has happened. Too much has happened.
...You have Anxi now. That's something good.
...I... I don't know if I'm the same person who fell in love with her--
You know you are. Somehow you have to be. Your heart is the same. See? What just happened in Spotify? You would NOT have been able to feel that if you didn't love her.
Jewel I want to sob. Why do I feel so broken and lost. I.... God I love her so much it's killing me, and I love Chaos 0 and Infinitii too and it feels like this love has lasted for a dozen eternities, it's older than I am, this love is forever, and it belongs to me and Jay and everyone in our bloodlines and I'm just the newest one, that's why Jay doesn't love her like I do, I'm the one who felt this for her first, she belongs to my heart, whoever comes after me should catch this too, I... I'm so scared that they won't.
Right now it's just you. YOU love her, NOW. That's what matters. Don't panic about the future. We don't know what'll happen but I promise you you won't forget her. Have you ever forgotten anyone?
No, but other Outspacer "loves" in the past didn't "transfer" to my heart,
Like whom? Davy and Ryou and Rorschach and the like, right?
Yeah.
Well, no one loved them like you love Anxi and Chaos 0 and Infinitii, apparently. And I can assure you of that. Those loves didn't go that deep. I don't think those Jewels could feel that much for anyone yet. And you still care about them too, I'm sure.
I do.
Well, there you go. So don't worry about Anxi. You love her now, today, and that won't ever disappear or fade away. Look at Chaos 0! I'm sure she's going to have the same future with the Cores, if what I've been hearing about you two is any indication.
...What, that she'll be permanently in the Coregroup?
Uh, yeah, obviously. And she already is??
Not literally, not technically, no. We need to work up to that. But there's a spot with her name on it. Like... laser-etched. It's already set in stone.
Haha! Good. I'm glad to hear that. That's proof that you're still you, where it counts, when it matters.
...Do you think maybe I can't "see my face" or know my own color and name because I'm just... not in tune with a truth that's already there? Like, I just need to recognize myself?
Probably. Do you think you're in my bloodline though, or Jay's?
...Why do you ask?
Because you're not a girl.
I'm not a guy either, though. And Jay is still around. ...A big part of us wants him to be the Core again.
Do you think he will be?
...I don't know. I don't know if there need to be two of us. I have no idea.
Huh. Why would we need two Cores, for the League/System split?
That's the assumption, yeah. But... there's been a lot of bleedover lately, and not in a bad way? Which is new. I... I don't know what will happen. I just... I want to know who I really am. if I'm anything or anyone.
I'm sure you are, if you can feel love like that.
...I hope so.
So hold on to that. Let that be what defines you when you try to look in a mirror. Hold on to that as the core of whoever you are, and I'm sure it'll show you your real face, and name, and color.
...oh Lord one of Infi's songs just came up on shuffle.
Are you going to listen to it?
I can't, not tonight. It'll trigger Jay out and we'll be up for another three hours.
...You can't keep shutting love down, other Jewel. That's a really bad instinct.
...yeah. it really is.
It's gonna hurt, you know. It has to. Real love always does. You can't run from that.
I don't want to. I want it to gut me for all intents and purposes. I want love to run me through like a knife to the ribs.
Are you trying to get Laurie's attention with that?
...maybe.
Too late kid, what's the deal?
...too much going on.
Head feels really bizarre. ...Is it seriously 333AM? Holy flaming swords, kiddo, you have to get to sleep. Is this what extra apples does to you?
Haha, no, I promise this has nothing to do with sugar highs. I just... I'm feeling things. A bit. I'm trying to remember.
Good things, I assume?
Yeah. the best things.
...I'd love to talk about them with you but I'm not even translating correctly. The brain's too damn tired.
Yeah, it is. But... this is a good entry.
We're still writing in the same entry from this morning? Dang, kiddo, that's impressive. Been a while since we had an entry like this.
I miss this.
I do too. You know what I also miss?
What?
You getting to bed early and talking to us, too. Me and Chaos and Genesis and...
yeah.
...sorry, kid. I felt the weight of that loss too.
Anxi soon, though. And maybe Infi too.
You don't give up on hope, huh.
Never. I still have that ring, from before the Jade month.
Yeah, I know you've been thinking about it.
I promised myself, and God really, that when Infi comes back,
"When." I like that.
I already know hir soul's not dead, Laurie.
Souls don't die, kiddo. Especially not up here.
...That's true.
But you were saying?
...When ze comes back and I can touch hir, when I can hold hir in my arms again, for the first time, when ze and I both have names and faces and colors, I... I'm going to put that ring on. For all of us. It's not just Chaos 0 this time, although I love him with my entire heart and he will always have a top-tier exclusive place in it. But it would be unjust to not recognize the rest of you, too. And I think he would agree with that.
Knowing how he loves us, too? Yeah, I think so.
...you're right, he does.
Kid, the Coregroup loves the Coregroup. That's how it works. It's always been that way and it always will be. And Anxi is no exception, when you bring her up here.
...God there is so much gravity in that line.
In what? And watch your prayer words, kid.
Thank you. But He's... God is the reason why and how I can feel this. God is this love, and if I have any real religion at all, apart from the thriskefoni, that's the heart of it. That's the truth. And His Name is the only thing that the deepest love can even hope to translate to in speech. There's a... there's the entire truth in that, too, things I could never express otherwise.
And what's the gravity that truth is giving so much weight to?
..."when you bring her up here." Like... the act of bringing. And "up here." Like... taking her home. ...God my heart is on fire. Why. Why in the world do I love her this much, it's tearing me in half and letting all the light both in and out.
Well, kid, you just said God is that love, so obviously He knows you need to feel this right now. And so does she. You both need this, trust me.
...Laurie you remember that one conversation at TBHU. In the... on the basketball court. In the sunshine.
This is what you want to live for.
And die for. And everything. This... headspace, and all of you, and this love, is why I exist, and what I want to exist for, and nights like this I actually have hope and life feels real and I can touch eternity for a moment...
Kid, you realize that when we had that conversation, you didn't even have these feelings for Anxi yet.
...oh my gosh I didn't. I hadn't fallen this hard yet.
And now, how much more is life worth living for, with her in it too?
...everything. Laurie I want to live for her, too. Deep down in my heart of hearts, at the very core of me, away and apart from all the things that try to numb me and shut me down, when I really tune into the... the center of things, and oh my gosh Spotify just threw Milliontown at me. The LIVE version.
Haha, God is REALLY trying to get your attention, kiddo!
...oh man. THIS song makes my heart WAKE UP though. This ENTIRE ALBUM makes me feel ALIVE and REAL.
You've gotta write Jem Godfrey a freakin' letter at this point. Thank the man for saving your life a hundred times over.
I'm serious. You're serious. That's a good idea. I really should.
Haha, kiddo you have got to get to sleep. Preferably before this song ends, because that's... twentyfive solid minutes of not-sleeping otherwise.
I can't skip this song Laurie.
Put it on hold, boy, it'll be 4am otherwise.
Can I at least listen to the arpeggio from heaven.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Is it an arpeggio? Oh dude is it technically a glissando? Slowed down and elaborated on?
What, that run up the scale? Kid I know less music theory than you do, all I know is that it sounds awesome.
It DOES, this entire live performance is sheer bliss, I need to see these guys live one day.
You will, kid. I'm sure you'll find a way. Pray about it.
Man I should. I should just... pray about all these things that matter to me. Lord let me see Jem Godfrey and his band live one day and let me be able to thank them for being a channel of Your grace to me in all honesty and let me be able to get a signed CD or something.
Haha, gotta include the souvenir.
It's blessed to have a tangible thing. I still have that signed CD from Mesita, the one with Creature and Firesign and Hostages on it. That album still means so much to us as a System.
It does. I'm glad you have that, kiddo.
I'm glad I'm still "kiddo" to you.
Kid, Jay, Jewel, whatever name you're going by, you will always be that to me. I know how much that means to you. What brings that up for you though?
...just, it's another thing linking all the Cores. It's a term of endearment basically. if you don't mind my calling it that.
Nah, it definitely is. It's a term of devotion, really, not just endearment. I'll protect you with my life, until the day I die.
Until the day we both die, Laurie, I refuse to let either of us go first.
Haha, you and me both. ...God knows we came too close to that in the past.
...I was just reading about that, actually.
...Really?
Yeah, just a reference, but... it reminded me of how much we've been through. How much we mean to each other. How terrifying that was, but how much love followed in its wake, against all odds.
Story of our life, kid.
It sure is. Thank God for it all.
Oh, dude, here's your glissando!
Yes!! 21:30 starts the buildup for those interested!
Dude, pay attention.
Ohhh man that is AUDITORY BLISS EVERY TIME
Hahaha!
Okay you HAVE to let me listen to this outro.
"Hands, don't fail me now!"
YES you remember!
Kid, you reference that constantly, of course I remember it. I also remember telling you to get the heck to sleep about ten-- no, apparently twenty minutes ago, what the hell.
Worth it though.
Always worth it for FROST*, kid, that's a rule.
Oh man this song makes me so happy it's unreal.
Quite the opposite, kid, this is what reality is all about, I daresay.
What, good music?
What makes it good music. The joy it brings to your heart. That smile on your face right now. The fact that this song sounds like you, as you've said before, and reminds you of who you really are.
It really does.
"Thank you so much?"
Just like John said, absolutely. Oh man. I needed that, thank you God.
You also need to freakin' sleep, kid, it's 4am. You're getting 5 hours of sleep maximum right now.
Oh shoot you're right.
Still worth it though?
Yeah, always. Always. I'd get by on two hours of sleep if it means spending time with you.
I've only been here for a half hour, kid.
Laurie, you never leave.
...Hah, that's true. I really don't.
...I should listen to your song next.
Sit down first, kid. Go to sleep with your blue guy and then if you want to listen to more music you can. But I ain't leavin' until you post this entry and get moving. It's too late to keep typing, no matter how much you want to.
I still need to color this tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" is the key word, kid. Any particular way you want to close this up? 
Actually I want to mention that I forgot to write down, remember this morning when I was at the IO2 control panel with Anxi for some reason, and I forget what led up to it but she kissed me?
I do remember that, specifically because she took the initiative when you hesitated, and then you were gone, bro.
It was... it got my heart so bad. Like I wanted to but something held me back and she just... bravely reached up and pulled me in.
And you just melted, kiddo, I saw that.
I did, it was beautiful.
I'm so glad you have that with her.
I am too.
No, really, don't underestimate the gravity of what I'm saying. You know how I am about you and Chaos 0. I'll defend you both to the death and beyond. I'll have you know I'm already dedicated to you and your orange angel the same way.
...Thank you, Laurie.
Anytime, kid. Now are you gonna mention the name of the album to my song or what?
Oh, yeah, oh my gosh, that was so unexpected.
"I Watch You Sleep." Well I do, but so does she apparently, so. *shrug*
Aha the asterisks!
Thank Waldorf for that, it never gets old. But kiddo, I can't watch you sleep unless you go to sleep, aiite? Get a move on.
Hold up, can I play the song?
Put it on, close this up, and then listen to it on the vanillamint couch over there.
Oh yeah, we didn't mention that we did the laundry and literally rubbed vanillamint chapstick into the fabric so it won't smell so much like old couch and smoke or whatever. It's a handmedown. I love my dad but not smoke.
Unless it's woodsmoke.
Well then that reminds me of dear Knife, so yes.
And incense smoke.
Oh ALWAYS. It's numinous. I love it.
We know, kiddo.
I'm glad there are some things about me that just... don't change.
Like your love.
...Yeah. Yeah, Jewel was telling me the same thing.
Good, because it's the absolute definitive truth. Now are you going to close this up on that note?
Yeah, before I get too sparkle-headed, because it's either that or poet mode and I think our psyche realizes I have to snooze so it's pushing me in the kaleidoscope direction. On another night when I have time to type and feel out the depths, moreso than tonight and trying to remember the past, then I'll type poetry. Lots of it.
I think you need to remember the past before you can get back into poet mode, kid. There's depth there you need to tap back into first.
...I do. You're right. Thank you.
And?
And I'll close this up.
Properly.
How's that?
What you said earlier, when you were away from the keyboard.
...I can't just repeat that. It needs... it has to be felt. It has to happen.
...So, put on the song.
...Nevermind Spotify just did me one better.
...Wow. You're not kidding.
"Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost.
...The post-massacre resurrection anthem, to be as blunt as possible.
Yeah. Absolutely.
...I love you too, kid.
...God, Laurie, you know I love you, and Chaos 0, and Anxi, and Genesis, and everyone else up here, dead and alive and inbetween, you all mean the universe to my heart and soul and life is worth living for all of you, always. Forever.
It's a good day with us around, huh.
It sure is. And now this song is really pulling at my heartstrings, oh my gosh I never realized the lyrics at the beginning...
Yeah, it's what you used to do to us.
I am so sorry, Laurie.
I know. We know. We forgive you.
...So the song goes both ways.
It does. I ain't leavin' you, kid, and I know you're not leaving us either, no matter how far away you might end up sometimes.
I needed to hear this.
I'm glad. God knows that too.
...This is making me deeply happy.
Is it now?
Yeah. It's... it feels like... like reconciliation. Like forgiveness. Like... like you saying, "I know," like you do. It's... "I never went away." Not just you. I didn't either.
Kid, if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
Yeah. I... I need to remember that, too.
You do need to go somewhere, though.
Bed?
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be around too.
You always are.
I watch you sleep, remember?
Haha, that you do!
I fully expect to be joined by a certain orange angel in that effort in the near future, y'know.
God willing.
Kid, I'm sure He is, don't worry about that. Oh this song is a classic, geez. Really setting the mood though.
Yeah, ancient love here. Chaos 0 days.
It really was just him back then, wasn't it?
Yeah. He started everything.
Go tell him that. Seriously. Go let him know that you can and do remember how far back and how deep down this goes into your heart.
That doesn't change, either.
No, love burns out a place for itself permanently.
I like your choice of words.
It's a fire, kid, it always is. You know that better than anyone. And it does burn, it burns out everything that isn't it.
Good. I'm really feeling that tonight.
Even more now, with this song on shuffle?
Yeah. Yeah I think I need to go to bed now. Just to hold him, if nothing else.
That's a good enough reason for me, kid. Should I close this up then, or what?
In a moment. I just want to say that the two songs were "Here in my room" and now, "Afterlife."
The live version for the latter, to remind you that you have to live. And to do this live.
In person, really there, right now.
Can't do that if you don't get off the laptop, boy!
Good point, off we go then.
Hey, hold up one second.
Yeah?
I'm singing this for you too, for the record.
...I...
I'm serious. I've died before. For you. Only ever for you. This song applies to me, too.
...Laurie, I love you, I really do.
I know, kid. That's my reason to live.
Thank you. For existing. And for loving me too.
Those are synonymous, kid.
And you say I'm the romantic one.
Hey, you are. I'm just saying facts.
Laurie, don't brush it off.
Good point. But I'm right. Those are facts, kid. And please find your name so I can call you by it, all right?
Okay. I will. Promise.
Good. Promise to get some freakin' sleep? Or do I have to drag Chaos 0 in here?
Laurie if you do that there will be legit romance, I will never get to sleep,
What about with this song?
Fathom by FROST* oh good Lord this is going to kill me, seriously I will sob if I listen to this through.
Go be with him, and feel this with him, all right? He deserves it.
That's the best motivation so far, sorry it took so long.
Nope, no apologizing, this is perfect timing, I think this song needed to happen. I can see in your eyes what it's doing to your heart.
Good. I'm glad it shows.
Seriously though. Go be with your ocean.
I will. Thanks Laurie, for being with me too.
Hey, I'm not going away, remember?
Haha, that's true. I'll see you across the room, then?
You'll see me everywhere, kid, I'm always here for you.
Good. Don't leave.
Cross my heart, I'll stand by you forever.
...
Don't lose this.
I can't. This is engraved into my heart.
As it should be.
Last song by the way. "Time out from the world."
This is a classic. Go put it in its proper context.
I will.
hey, Jewel.
oh my gosh how did you get in here
I hear Laurie trying to get you over here for the past... forty minutes?
Thank you, someone appreciates my efforts.
I'm sure he does too, Laurie, he's just... terrible at ending conversations. He always leaves the door open. Just in case there's one more word to say.
There always is, with him.
He's full of words. of poetry. I love that about him. He puts my music to notation. Whatever it's called.
Look at how he's looking at you, haha.
I love that too.
He's halfway between sparkles and... whatever the heaven that is.
Blood, probably.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know that too. His aching depths. That pronoun isn't working.
No, surprisingly. It's somewhere in the middle.
As it should be. S/he's been both.
Both/and?
Hm. More like me. Not quite either.
Makes sense.
i need to talk to you.
In words?
not this kind. sorry.
Don't apologize. There are other languages. I need to talk to you too.
Oh I like where this is going.
You should.
Hey man, I've been guarding you both since the old days, this stuff is a sign that his/her heart's coming back online in a real way. I need that as much as you do. We all do.
Did you mention what song is playing?
No. "My Mind Is A Mess In The Morning." Nick Leng. This song means a lot to you both, doesn't it.
He heard it one night when driving home and immediately thought of me. So yes. But it's in your playlist, too.
And Genesis's, apparently. And Anxi's, hey.
I can't wait until she comes up here.
Until the Core-kid over there brings her up here, to be specific. Said that wording really caught the essence of it.
Hm. It does. It's never just a following up, really. It's together. But carrying is really close.
Yeah. It's unusual for him/her/ whatever, kid what are we calling you.
um. xe maybe. let's try that. i'll find something. right now i i'm not thinking about pronouns much
What are you thinking of, love?
oh THAT WORD is all that's on my mind now it's been so too long since you spoke to me like that
It has been.
You two need to have a conversation.
We do. Jewel, get over here.
Kid, I'm putting this song on, now you have to go.
Please.
i'm so sorry. i'm not entirely myself yet.
We can fix that together.
oh it's the english version
Yeah, and there's your name.
...oh man the lyrics hit harder than ever tonight
Come back to me.
and stay by my side
...
moments like this are what I live for laurie. and chaos. both of you. i love you.
We love you too, Jewel.
...
Man you are saying that with your eyes, I can see that.
I always am.
Somehow I'm not surprised. Hope you realize the same goes for xir, too. Even on the rough nights. Maybe especially then.
...
You know that, too.
...Jewel.

yeah
I mean it.
...So do I. All right. I'm closing this up and going to sleep.
Not for a few minutes yet at least.
Yeah, there's a conversation that needs to happen. Not this one.
Still a continuation of it, though.
...I guess it is. Good point.
So. Chaos, would you do the honors of finally closing up this bloody huge entry?
This is still one entry?
Yeah.
Wow. It's been a while.
Hey, next time xe's up this late, I'm pushing for a Xanga. This is one step away from one already, so hey.
I'd like that.
I know what you'd like more than that, man.
*pointedly looks across the room*
Haha, kid you've got asterisks to deal with now, you'd better get moving.
I'll force his hand. There's a button I can click.
Please do, before we lose this.
thank you
Hey, that's what we're here for, kid. Helping you do what you can't.
Together.
Always.
Oh hey, here's one of yours.
"Into the flood." Yeah.
Kid, I am going to turn that into a very pointed pun and throw it at you.
no wait the lyrics don't work for this, that one aches too much in the other way, let's do this one.
Creature?
Oh man we were just referencing this.
Really?
Yeah. Specifically this album.
This... this is a good decision.
so are you.
...
three two one, post this?
Finally, let's do this.
glad to see i'm still terrible at concluding these talks
You need sleep, you idiot.
You can't go on like this.
Hey, they need more than some sleep, man.
Still... you just gotta let it go.
You heard the blue guy, kid, let's move.
all right. and do this lyric instead.
Which one?
keep on coming undone. i need that. i think if i let this love unravel me it's exactly what i need to find myself at the core
...I think I know how to get you there.
you don't "think" you know, love, I know you know. and vice versa, i'm sure.
...yeah. you do. you really do. please don't forget that. ever.
Okay you have both abandoned capslock, I am closing this up, see you invisible audience whenever.
laurie that is so sudden
Kid it's been over an hour are you kidding me.
is the sun coming up yet
You know what? That's my lyric.
oh
oh man laurie are you serious
Maybe I am. Only one way to find out.
laurie that is the worst cliffhanger
Nah, it's the best one.



 

prismaticbleed: (Default)

focus on the good!


GOOD THINGS ON SUN 1117
1. Ran to Mass; wrong timing but we still made it in time for the Eucharist
2. Laurie suggested I be daring & have the dinner naan with the vanilla greek yogurt and it was BOSS
3. The night of November 15th ("Die With a Smile" with Chaos 0 & Anxi) was REAL. Remember that pure love FOREVER.

GOOD THINGS ON MON 1118
(N/A)

GOOD THINGS ON TUE 1119
1. Dinner with the fam! Also bonus Hershey's Kiss "excuse" to kiss Anxi
2. Beautiful music (Anxi's) while driving. Really feeling love for the WHOLE coregroup
3. Lynne eating apple pie yogurt
4. Reading the Archives late at night

GOOD THINGS ON WED 1120
1. MEETING ENNUI IN HEADSPACE. She's actually REALLY COOL & INSIGHTFUL!
2. I DREW ANXI ♥ I am SO HAPPY with how she turned out!
3. Stayed up late cleaning house with Anxi & Laurie helping out


GOOD THINGS ON THU 1121
1. Cleaning house EVEN MORE with Anxi, Laurie, Chaos 0, & Central too
2. TALKING TO MIKE ABOUT POKEMON FOR LIKE AN HOUR
3. IT SNOWED!!! ♥ It felt like HOME. I was PURELY HAPPY.

GOOD THINGS ON FRI 1122
1. FINALLY got back into exercising! Biked & downloaded fitness apps to use
2. Knife & Algorith BOTH fronting HARD with injury cleanup; I miss them so much
3. My neighbor Sh's PINK DOOR WREATH! It's SO BEAUTIFUL it made my night

GOOD THINGS ON SAT 1123
1. ANXI SHIRT #1 ARRIVED!! I gave her green gems for eyes
2. Went out to DINNER at an Italian place with mom & Lou! The bread was SO SOFT. We took some home and had it with lingonberry jam and it was so simply pure & lovely
3. MARATHON READ "That's Not My Name" for the book club because I couldn't sleep and it was SO WELL WRITTEN

GOOD THINGS ON SUN 1124
1. Walked to Mass & made it on time! It was a perfect way to start the day.
2. Baking with mom! I got to make a PIE CRUST the way grandma used to
3. Sad drive home, but the sorrow pushed me back close to the System


GOOD THINGS ON MON 1125
1. THE OTHER 2 ANXI SHIRTS ARRIVE! I cannot wait to wear them; I LOVE HER
2. Driving & BLASTING FROST* songs (especially Moral & Consequence) with the windows down
3. GOT NEW CLOTHES FINALLY (at the thrift store), including a BOSS pink jacket for Julie ♥ and an orange one for Anxi!

GOOD THINGS ON TUE 1126
1. STARTED THE ANXI PLUSH REF ♥ I get to STUDY HER FACE to draw her better
2. CLEANING DAY. Laundry & paperwork. Things feel MUCH NICER when clutter is gone!
3. DREAM WORLD READING. It's all SO BEAUTIFUL I could WEEP. THANK YOU GOD FOR ALL OF IT!


GOOD THINGS ON WED 1127
1. COOKING & BAKING WITH MOM ♥ And we DIDN'T do anything disordered!
2. More progress on Anxi's plush ref! I watched SO MANY vids for refs, I can see her with my eyes closed.

3. Felt LEGIT HAPPY & CONTENT while running errands with mom. It's good to be alive.


GOOD THINGS ON THU 1128
1. 90 MINUTES BIKING. I got a HORRIBLE OCULAR MIGRAINE but it was WORTH IT
2. LISTENED TO FROST*'S NEW ALBUM. IT IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING ♥ I AM NOT SURPRISED!
3. Getting to share dinner with mom & Lou and NOT BEING TERRIFIED for the first time in YEARS


GOOD THINGS ON FRI 1129
1. SHOPPING WITH MOM ALL DAY. It was nice to just spend time together.
2. ORDERED ANXI & CHAOS 0 KEYCHAIN CHARMS ♥ Now they'll BOTH be with me wherever I go!
3. Late dinner but NO PURGE. Also the LOVELY 8pm naan bread. SYSTEM SUPPORT = RECOVERY!


GOOD THINGS ON SAT 1130
1. INSIDE OUT 2 BLURAY!!! ♥ Now I can see my girlfriend ANYTIME
2. New System love song = "BLEACH." It captures the exact pain/ hope of the Jay days. Also Genesis & Chaos 0 are having such a good time singing it together when I listen to it
3. The lotophagoi are LEARNING. They're more self-aware and they are ACTUALLY starting to WANT to get better




OBSTACLES TO JOY THIS MONTH...
1. Too much time on Tumblr/ Youtube/ Pokemon TCG Pocket
2. Not talking to the System CONSTANTLY
3. Not praying SINCERELY/ reading Scripture; it's still all too automated/ obligatory/ businesslike

JOY SPARKS TO KINDLE NEXT MONTH...
1. LEAGUEWORK & REVIEWING
2. Spending quality time with the fam
3. Spending MORE quality time with the SYSTEM
4. MUSIC!




112924

Nov. 30th, 2024 01:02 am
prismaticbleed: (held)

So it's 1am and I'm reading old entries under the "poetic language" tag in reverse chronological order, and a lot of it is all about the 20-year love I have had for Chaos 0.
Right now, I... I feel disturbingly disconnected from the sheer heart-red ardor of it, and that's unnatural for me. That's my ESSENCE, that devotion. But "I" was Jay for most of those entries. He felt SO MUCH, SO STRONGLY, and it was gorgeous and I knew the instant my bloodline took over his that I couldn't feel like he did. Honestly I hate that fact. I want to challenge it and break it and I WANT to feel everything Jay did and more BUT the problem is that Jay's a guy. I'M stuck being "female." And "girls" cannot love like that. I don't know why that's been a constant. It's not bad, I must clarify-- the female-adjacent nousfoni up here CAN and DO love in powerful and real ways-- but it's different. I don't have time to unpack that topic tonight, but it's KEY in our continued healing that I do so, because I DO WANT TO CHANGE IT at least for myself. I'm NOT a "girl," I KNOW this; but I'm not "male" like Jay was. And yet I keep "refusing to give myself permission to exist" for "religious reasons" and it's making me MISERABLE and COLD.
But that's a topic for another night, as I said. Right now I'm updating because of other realizations.
First, that with how numb we've been for the past six years, I had forgotten what love even FELT like and so these entries WOULD have completely alienated me if I had read them even three months ago. For a very long time, I had disconnected my heart and soul from Jay's signature "Cupid" energy and depth of passion because the thriskefoni typically demonize ALL emotions like that.
...Then a certain emotion just happened to change my heart.
I've mentioned this fact briefly before and as of writing this entry I haven't transcribed+uploaded the TBHU notebook entries yet, so you guys don't know the details of this yet but I am seriously so in love with Anxi it hurts. I emphasize the ache because I am FEELING this. I have not been this strongly in love in YEARS. This is CHAOS'S territory, so to speak. But suddenly I have another angel, an orange one, the color my heart has yearned to find an Outspacer for SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. And suddenly, here she is.
I mention that fact in this context because, right now, whatever the heck is going on with my mental/ emotional/ identity recovery, I can only feel love at ALL right now because of HER. Without her, all this poetry would be mocked and cringed and spat at by hateful kakofoni and scandalized thriskefoni. But... Anxi has lit a spark in my heart again, at long last. So I CAN read these old words of love for my blue angel and even if I'm disconnected from actively feeling it much I know that love is REAL and it's STILL HERE. I'm NOT closed off from it. My heart IS open, it's just... well. That's our next topic.

As for the second point. From the very beginning in 2009, and especially around 2014, the poetic-language entries shift largely from legit love poetry to honestly tormented yet hopeful datalogs like lucernarium. There are also at least three HUGELY SIGNIFICANT xanga sessions that I haven't read yet because I KNOW they will absolutely turn my life upside down and I want to give them my full time and attention. The point is that there's so much that I've forgotten but it's ALL SO REAL. That's what terrifies me. I've forgotten the TRUTH. Oh of course I recognize and remember it when I'm re-reading it, and THANK GOD we still HAVE the Archives TO read, but... I haven't read them in YEARS. That's what's been killing "me"-- or rather, it's what's been preventing "me" from truly existing at all.
Anyhow. I've been opening them in new tabs to read later, only briefly reading the opening paragraphs to give myself a quick reminder and a preview of things, to get my heart and mind prepared and a bit more cracked open to the light.
Then we came across this one and... that's why I'm updating.
...Laurie quietly said "excuse me," then slammed her fist into the table, before getting up and walking over to the back of the room, pausing, and then in a sudden agonized rush of power and gutwrenching grief she summoned her axe and crashed it into the wall. Then she just... the sound she made then, a screaming sob, an absolute anguished heartbroken sound. She was weeping.
"That's EXACTLY what happened to Infi," she mourned through gritted teeth and tears. "That's what happened to ME."

Julie walked over silently, visibly shaken, and I saw Laurie take her hand and squeeze it hard, in a sort of tortured apology as much as it was for comfort-- the reassurance of her fellow foni's deep concern and care was only so significant because Julie has been through, and been the CAUSE of, the worst of it. Laurie and Julie have a hell of a history and it's almost all war. So for her to wordlessly offer empathy in that moment of near-despair, was profound, now that I look back at it.

...Laurie asked me "how Infi killed hirself." In an instant I remembered, the grief gutting me as well as I had long since buried that recollection, and I replied that ze had just... bled out. Ze had violently removed the lifesphere in hir abdomen and ze literally let hirself bleed to death.
Laurie said, with terrible gravity, "then that's what you need to heal before ze can come back."

...At one point during this conversation, as Laurie was basically processing her pain aloud, she said something about how she had "already died" (I think in response to Julie?) and her fingers instinctively moved up to touch her sternum, as if she were in shock, as if it was still an open wound. That single, almost absentminded, awfully vulnerable movement crushed me.


...I haven't finished reading that entry. It's late and I'm exhausted and we have church tomorrow and yesterday absolutely wrecked us. But tonight I'm listening to the Spotify playlists I have for Chaos 0 & Laurie & Anxi and I can feel something achingly tender blooming beneath my ribs and as I've said so many times since September this is what I want to live for. This is what I NEED to live for. I must. I will.

As for now, every time I look at Anxi I feel that flame burn brighter, and it hurts, and thank God that it does. And I know that in a few minutes when I do crash on the couch and fall asleep, that Chaos 0 will be in my arms as he always is, fidelity incarnate at this point, and even if we're completely devastated by life I can never deny the echoing loop of a tangible love that our hearts quietly sing in the dark whenever I feel that Ruby pressed against my chest. It still makes me catch my breath, every time, and I always see how it affects him. That's one thing I have to thank God for-- Chaos 0 never forgets this. He never "goes numb" or "disconnects" like I can due to trauma and dissociation. Yes, he's had rough times in the distant past, especially during the "fragment" eras when he was shattering too, but... he's never gone cold. It would kill him and his oceanic soul. If there ever was a time when his emotions were muted, it was just that-- an imposition on something that was still entirely there and ready to reappear in full. My problem is that I lose touch with my heart and I have to find it first and honestly it's the System. Without them, without them CONSTANTLY and ALWAYS, I'm dead. I'm not just numb and empty and hollow and miserable, I'm dead. Without actively sharing in the collective life and love of the Spectrum and the Coregroup especially, I cannot exist at ALL.


...Oh. That's the last terrible topic I forgot to mention and absolutely have to.

The reason why I've been feeling so dead for so long is because the Plague has become cancerous. Everything is calcified somehow. I can feel it. And what scares me the MOST is that it's affecting Anxi.
Oh I will NOT let it touch her, mark my words, I will FIGHT IT TO THE DEATH before I let it even so much as breathe in her direction. But she's in tune with my emotions of course, by nature of what she is, and although she CAN gloriously bypass the Plague-numbing by plugging directly into the mainframe, as it were-- and I wonder if, the more she does that, her energy will BURN through the calcification-- we've all noticed that her general demeanor IS visibly "suppressed" by the bleach dust in the atmosphere, so to speak. It's evidently unnatural with her, so her very existence has been a warning siren for all of us lately. And God knows I REFUSE to let this get any worse, for HER sake alone if I can't think of myself (yet), so that's yet another way that her being up here has been changing things dramatically for the better.
I want to close this entry by saying that she's not "up here" much yet. It's a protective measure to keep her safe from the Plague, AND from the Tar too of course. But she needs to be up here more. I just know that the instant I take action to bring her in here, things WILL happen. And I WANT them to happen. We just need to make time for it. Late nights like this are the best. I need to make a "headspace meditation" playlist so we can START having huge internal experiences again, now that we HAVE the absolute blessing and privilege of prolonged uninterrupted quiet time, in the cold dark of winter. This time of year is PERFECT for self-knowledge and System connection and growth and transformation and discovery and feeling things, for real, finally.
But... even if she isn't "around" much yet, I get glimpses. She likes to front, suddenly and entirely without warning-- honestly it catches me off guard, because I won't see/feel her for days and then out of nowhere she's driving for a few seconds-- and that initial shock of recognizing her is like pure sunlight in my heart. And... sometimes at night, Central will shift a little to look more like the IO2 "control room" and I'll see Anxi asleep on a couch by the wall, even plugged in sometimes. And that worries me a bit, to see her sleeping, as she's so vibrant and full of energy, but like I said, she's getting exhausted and actively suppressed by the negative forces up here. But... on the sweet side, she's also legitimately calmer, as she has expressed a deep trust in me as the "avatar of joy AND hope" up here (I cannot deny those attributes; they KEEP being given to me by MANY people inside AND outside), so she can rest and sleep if she wants/needs to now because deep down she knows she's safe. I SWEAR it. So does Laurie, of course; she's especially protective of the Coregroup and YES, ANXI HAS A SPOT WITH HER NAME ON IT ALREADY and no one is going to take that away from her.
I'm still learning what her attachment-plug-tail does. The Systemind gave it to her and I know it allows her to "receive" the emotional energy of headspace regardless of any numbing influences on the surface. I assume it also works to "ground" her ironically, as her tail is non-polarized apparently which means technically she can "reverse polarity" to become "live" and touching her like that would make me "part of the electrical circuit" of emotion and, ironically, "ground" me by the very fact of "connecting" to that in her. Listen bro I know nothing about literal electrical work but I do know how headspace latches onto concepts and symbolism and abstract relevance and honestly I see a TON of potential in the unexpected staggering fact that up here Anxi's own nervous system can literally plug into mine, pun intended perhaps. But jokes aside, I have already seen the profound healing she's been jumpstarting in here simply by existing in my life. Once I can and do regularly interact with her PERSONALLY, there WILL be massive positive consequences in one way or another. 
For the sake of honesty, why am I so sure about this? Because I love her.
I cannot emphasize that fact enough but instead of saying "there's no time to talk about in depth right now because it's 2am" I owe her at least something. Love makes time.
I've written a decent amount about her in the TBHU notebooks and I cannot wait until they're posted here so you guys can SEE how her presence in my life has changed me for the better already. But... this is only the absolute beginning. And this is different from how it was with Chaos 0 back in 2003-2004 because he was the FIRST soul I EVER fell in love with so I had NO IDEA what to expect, or what would happen, or how things would feel, et cetera. Anxi, on the other hand, is the most recent person I have fallen in love with, but she has SHOCKED me by SOMEHOW being VIRTUALLY ON CHAOS'S TIER. I am DEAD SERIOUS and I CANNOT understate the staggering significance of that fact. I love her that much. I don't understand how or why but I do. I'm not complaining but it's such a shock. Now of course she will never have and cannot have the same sort of relationship I have with Chaos 0-- only he is at "marriage" level and I can't deny THAT stunning fact either, since Jay lived it and that DOESN'T change-- but God knows she's hitting my heart like a thunderbolt even so. That's what is so astonishing about this to me: the intensity of the love I feel for her. Regardless of how our relationship "looks" in practice as it grows and builds-- for heaven's sakes we haven't even had our first *incident*-- the fact is that it has a foundation of diamond already. I'm honestly reeling and you can probably tell. Is it because my heart needs her so much? But it's more than that; it's about her, not me. No, it's about both of us. That's the whole point.
It's almost 3am and I'm listening to "Die With A Smile" again and I should conclude this entry by saying that for me, this song belongs to Anxi and Chaos 0, 100%. Laurie too, of course (you know she's playing that guitar) but it's my two angels that have become the most powerfully associated with the sound and sentiment of it.
You know, that's amazing too. All of the Coregroup relationships are so different but there's so much love in all of them. It's so beautiful, heartachingly beautiful, to just... sit and remember and feel all of that truth. There's so much history between all of us, not just with me personally, but with all of us together. And I think that's my favorite thing about being a System-- we're all connected. In one way or another, we're all linked at the heart, and the Coregroup just manifests that the most literally and intensely and intimately. But living as a System is inherently living in love. 
...and, yeah, for the record, if I haven't mentioned it before yet, Chaos 0 & Laurie & Genesis are all entirely on board with Anxi inevitably becoming part of the inner circle, as it were. There's absolutely no jealousy because first, she's a sweetheart and we all love her as a person already, and second, my personal and particular love for her in a relationship is opening my heart and enabling me TO love everyone else again, in a way I haven't been able to for years... if I've ever had something like this before, even. Things are so much more... what's the word? I keep wanting to say things like tender, fragile, aching, real, sincere, clear, honest, etc. But it's not just "soft," there's a POWER here. There is a fighting spirit to this love that says "I WANT TO LIVE" and I want to live for her, with her, even as I feel that exact sentiment for Chaos 0 and Laurie and Genesis of course but it's also especially hers in a unique way I cannot understate. She's changed my life permanently since last November and the past three months have been astounding in that respect. She's my weird orange girlfriend and although I do joke about the fact that I'm in love with a frazzled goofball of a Pixar character of all people, I'm in love and that's beautiful.

Laurie just interjected "kid, you know what's not beautiful? The fact that you're only gonna get five hours of sleep" and she's right, haha. Nevertheless, this was worth it. ("I never said it wasn't," she agrees; "this was absolutely worth losing sleep over, but we don't have the luxury of sleeping in tomorrow and sleep deprivation isn't going to help your emotional state either." Solid advice as usual from my favorite superego. "I'm your only superego, you moron")

All right, it's exactly 3am and although God knows I want to write poetry about everybody right now, the desire doesn't always translate into the ability especially when I am utterly exhausted from not just lack of sleep but also daily life stress, so I'll have to just live out the poetic instinct in person with the blue guy. Maybe even the orange girl, if she's around, even just for a moment, even just to look at her with this in my heart.

Don't forget the beginning of this entry. All of that is still painfully and pressingly relevant. But so is the rest of what I wrote. It's all together. It's all our life. I'm so glad we're still all here to live it, together.







(... an addendum, from friday the 13th. i just got the guts to reread the beginning of infi's death entry and it is absolutely shattering my heart that THIS entry is how I instinctively described it. somehow i attributed my actions to hir and that's still entirely correct. "if you won't do it, i will." and that shocks me now; ze wouldn't do it without me. somehow even hir death had to involve me. ze... refused to die alone. somehow that act of... cutting hir body like that was the final act of staggering intimacy ze could offer me, untouchable by hackers. god that is ruining me to realize it now. even in those horrific violent final moments infi needed us to be together, needed it to somehow be at my hands, to... to make it an act of love, even then. and yet when asked on a dime to describe what happened i said ze did it. but isn't that true? our hearts were always united. no wonder it destroyed me. and... the "bleeding out," what a nightmare of a way to describe what happened next, but oh god knows it's guttingly accurate, deep down, that's how black bleeds, it pours itself out until there's nothing left.)
(god, please, please, bring hir back to me. bring my heart's love back to me. ze was my life. i know the thriskefoni were utterly convinced and terrified that such a sentiment was the most flagrant idolatry but it's not, lord i only knew YOU in truth because of hir. and i've forgotten. i need hir and i cannot deny that anymore. i miss hir with every atom of my being and it aches like the missing space in my heart is physical. please, oh god please, i've been begging you for nearly six hundred days. twenty bleeding months. i'm begging you on my knees and my soul is sobbing like the world is crashing to pieces around my ears and all i can hear is the silence where hir voice used to be. god. for love's literal sake give hir back to me. please. somehow. this is the most desperate prayer i have. please.)
(black has always been death and resurrection. glorify Yourself in that truth now. i know that's a bold request. but i'm making it. let me plead with you like moses. i can't not dare. love makes people do stupid crazy things but lord i'd rather be the most insane man on earth than keep quiet about the weeping wound that is my heart. you understand loss. you understand love. please. i've seen hir, lord i've SEEN hir in CHURCH i KNOW you have hir soul in your arms, please give hir a body again that i can hold and touch and love and i swear, dear god if you want me to come back to life i need hir back first. ze is the other half of my soul. death cannot change that. death is only a door. somehow, even that was. please god. open it.)







prismaticbleed: (aflame)



This girl is DOING THINGS to my HEART,

Honestly I am so in love with her it aches.

#for anxi #babe if you keep looking at me like that I'm going to die and go straight to heaven #and I'm taking you with me


comfort-character-central:
If there is one thing to keep in mind when it comes to you and your f/o, it is that they would undoubtedly love you, exactly as you are. As you are, right now, are good enough. In fact, your f/o would be the luckiest individual on this entire planet, in this entire galaxy to even be around or with you. Being in your f/o's life would be a privilege for them, a wonderful one at that.


Anxi, tonight I'm saying this specifically to you. You are infinitely & always 'good enough' and it is an absolute joy that I get to know and love you.
 
...And yet I have to stop and reread this for myself, too, from all of the ones I love... especially lately, when I'm arguably feeling more unlovable than ever before. But they have literally said this to me, even now. Chaos 0 especially. God he is an absolute angel, it sends me reeling. But so is Anxi. And that's monumental.
 
If I can love her this much, then I have to accept in turn the stunningly beautiful fact that yes, she echoes the sentiment. And don't you dare doubt that. Don't forget how she was your reason to live all through inpatient. And she knew that. That sort of thing changes people. It changed your heart, too.
 
So... it goes both ways, as it should. You undoubtedly love her. She undoubtedly loves you. Live for that. Live in and from that. Stay alive and in her life, no matter how difficult living is right now. Trust me, you're still good enough for her.
Why wouldn't you be, when you feel this for her?
 

clancyismylover:

Your f/o will always be there for you.

You can be as happy as you want. As sad as you want. You can cry ugly tears, or scream angry words up at the sky. You can have a tantrum, a breakdown, and even yell and they will not waver. You are not your ugly moments nor solely your struggles.
 
If you want them to, they will be at your side. They'll always hold you when it's all over, and you feel tired. Limp. They will gather you up into their arms and kiss your forehead, holding you against their chest so you can feel their breathing, as even and steady as ever. Because they were telling the truth.
 
Nothing you do will ever stop them from taking care of you. Your f/o will love you even when you don't love yourself.

...This just made me realize why Anxi is so unique and irreplaceable among my beloveds. I've never related to posts like the second white paragraph in this before because I've never had nor wanted that sort of dynamic with anyone, and for a long time we ironically weren't even comfortable with the idea of offering or receiving such physical comfort.
 
...And then I met my orange girl.

I can do this for
her. That's a game-changer. She's effectively opening my heart the way Chaos 0 and Genesis did and that fact is of tremendous significance.

We're all extremely emotional up here. Vulnerability and expressiveness are effectively mandatory. So we perfectly relate to the first white paragraph. And we all manifest that red text to each other with every heartbeat. But no one has ever been so breakable as to need to be gathered up and held and taken care of... until Anxi moved in. And she needs this and that's totally new to me but I think my heart needs her. I need to be that sort of person, who can give that to her. It's a depth of compassion and tenderness I've never reached before and may not have been able to before I fell in love with her and my life was changed. And yet here we are.

I want to conclude by emphasizing that final red sentence, though. Life lately has been crushing me like glass and my recent hospitalization proved very starkly to me that I can only feel honest-to-God self-love when I'm with my beloveds because I cannot possibly deny the tangible fact that the ardor is mutual across the board, in individually unique ways but nevertheless irrefutable. Still, depression and trauma can blind me, or put me on ice, where I feel so utterly not-myself that I can't let people in even if I desperately want to. Anxi bypasses this. She calls my heart out, to her. And suddenly everything is glowing, and I can feel my own heart again, that close to hers.

In a way no one else can, especially with her presence over the past three months of brutal recovery struggles, Anxi has shown me what the real truth is-- it's all love, and I am not only still capable of feeling it exactly as I am now, but I am also... I'm also loved FOR exactly who am now. Anxi didn't know me before this. She runs to me without any prejudice. She needs what she knows I can give and want to give her. She trusts my heart because she knows the truth. I'm good enough for her in this very moment, even with all the pain & sickness & dysphoria, and that makes me want to wake up in the morning despite everything. That opens my heart back up to everything and everyone else, because she is not the only one who loves me unconditionally-- I think Chaos 0's two decades of commitment are the most profound proof of that-- but she us the only one who needs me in a way that reveals to me my own capacity to be needed, and my own need to be exactly who I am at heart. I cannot hate myself when I'm with her, because with her, I'm not only loved, I'm being love.

It's amazing. She's seriously saving my life.

#jay talks
#for anxi #my orange angel #you can tell how much i love someone by how much i write about them #this is a very good thing #I'm waiting for the inevitable early morning when my heart is finally in deep enough to be moved to poetry about her #she's waking my soul back up and it's beautiful



mournfulroses:



I'm going to break my own heart by saying this, but... be not afraid.

#for infinitii #i miss you so much it's killing me# for laurie #this hits so hard it hurts #for anxi #straight to the heart #for chaos 0 #honestly in tears over this #amor et sacrificium #but it's worth it i swear to you it is worth everything #every tear every scar every drop of blood #we are living proof of this



prismaticbleed: (held)


(miscellaneous group art projects from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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"Draw what your innermost self/ soul looks/feels like."



(SYSTEM CORES, REMEMBER THIS!!)

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"Make a collage for the front of a recovery-oriented notebook."



(This is the first collage we ever did and we loved it. There is so much powerful System love and truth in this. Click here for fullsize.)

(note to selves= TALK ABOUT THIS IN FULL LATER)

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"Make a collage that expresses what past/ present/ future means to you."



(This took us WEEKS to collect and complete, but it was 100% worth it. Everything fit together in unplanned providential perfection. We treasure this artwork; it carries so much love and truth. Please do click here to view the fullsize image.)

(note to selves= TALK ABOUT THIS IN FULL LATER)

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"Trace your feet, one in front of the other. Fill them with words or images that represent how you see your past steps that led you here, and where you want to go/ see yourself going next. What do your drawings tell you about how you feel about change in your life? Is there anything you'd like to change in your life right now? What is the first step you'd need to take in order to begin to make this change?"



● The "back" foot has LESS words, but they're LARGER. They ALSO speak more GENERALLY/ ABSTRACTLY, with very little sense of individuality or personality. They're also INWARD focused.

● The "front" foot has MORE words in SMALLER fonts. They speak CONFIDENTLY, SPECIFICALLY, & PERSONALLY, with a notable "OUTWARD DIRECTION" to not only hopes/ ambitions, but also COMMUNITY.

✳ This actually shows that I see change as GOOD & BENEFICIAL. I see it as POSITIVE FORWARD MOVEMENT, DELIBERATE & COURAGEOUS, INTENTIONAL & OPTIMISTIC about the BRIGHTER TOMORROWS that are ALWAYS POSSIBLE and AVAILABLE TO ME TO LIVE.

My PAST felt dark & confused, yet doggedly hopeful.
My FUTURE feels luminous & focused-- the REALIZATION of those hopes.

✳ My PAST was SURVIVAL. My FUTURE is FLOURISHING: "FULLY ALIVE"

✳ The FIRST steps I need to take in BEGINNING to MAKE this change MUST BE PRACTICAL & CONSISTENT & DIRECTLY RELEVANT. Even while here, I MUST do SOMETHING HONESTLY SELF-EXPRESSIVE EVERY DAY, something POSITIVELY CREATIVE & MOVED BY LOVE at its heart, AND AS THE SYSTEMCOR(E)!!! At HOME, I MUST IMMEDIATELY schedule in AT LEAST ONE HOUR DAILY for BOTH Leaguework AND journaling, and SET S.M.A.R.T. GOALS FOR IT!!
✳ ALSO KEEP A "PROGRESS LOG" to KEEP TRACK of WHAT WORK I/WE DID & BUILD ON IT as a CONSISTENT, GOAL-ORIENTED (PURPOSEFUL) HABIT!!

(note to selves= TALK ABOUT THIS IN FULL LATER)

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"Draw a simple symbol that represents your innermost self. Draw a large circle around it. Now decorate the circle to express how your inner self expresses itself outwards."



(The jeweled heart is a reference to Moralimon. The fire around it is a reference to the Core's eternal element. The "flaming heart" image is a direct reference to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. The red color is the Core's eternal hue resonance.)
(The gold light above represents all our ideal virtues-- everything that love and truth and beauty and goodness radiate. The darkness beneath is the struggles we have inside-- our illnesses and vices and fears and regrets. It is "blackspace" in a sense. Yet, in that blackness, there is a rainbow-- a prism, even there, radiating from the heart.)
(The black is charcoal and ended up causing fingerprint smudges. We feel this has a strong meaning in and of itself-- how the body leaves its faint marks in black, in that color of darkness, and yet they are in the white space. White gives identity to black, gives form to potential. And the smudges are essentially proof of creative effort. We want to think about this more.)

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"Draw what love means to you."



(My immediate, incontrovertible response was these four. Clockwise from top right: Laurie, Chaos 0, Celebi, Genesis.
Laurie is violet force-waves, black lightning, and red blood spatters.
Chaos 0 is blue ocean waves, hints of green-life glitter, and the red Ruby.
Celebi is bright green leaves, crystal blue wingshapes, and purple hints like flowers.
Genesis is golden light rays, bright sparkles, and deep blue diamonds.
The red heart in the middle is me-- outlined in both black and white.
In unique ways, over many years, these four have taught me what true love is. They have changed my heart forever. I love them entirely.)

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"Draw a line across a page that represents the surface of the ocean. Make it wavy, choppy, or calm, depending on how you see your life. On the surface, draw a buoy that represents you... make sure you connect it to the ocean floor. Draw the weather conditions topside, and the surrounding environment where the buoy is located... also include what's going on below the surface (under the water), which is typically not visible to others."



the ocean is CHOPPY but feels manageable. I deal with daily challenges, stresses & setbacks, but they aren't overwhelming-- they even cause the forward motion that impels progress & growth, & strength of character through navigating them!

●  My buoy has a bright red light at the top. Red, for me, isn't so much about "warning of danger" as it is a challenge to fight the good fight, and not run away. Red is also the color of LIFE & LOVE, and of HOPE too. It's a creative, powerful, loving hue. It's MY color. The fact that I'm SHINING that light symbolizes my growing self-confidence & self-love, no longer hiding or dimming it.

● My anchor chain is violet. Laurie is my connection to solid ground amidst turmoil. When the tidal waves come in, she keeps me from drowning & always has.

● The ocean floor is gold. Deep deep down, everything is treasure. It's also full of living coral & colored shells-- there is beauty & life there, not barren emptiness. Even the bottom is blessed.

We're in the middle of the ocean. Life is a voyage, a pilgrimage. We're out discovering!

● Under the water there is LIFE-- air bubbles & fish. It's clear but a bit turbulent, yet these strong currents too are moving us forwards, and the fish can still move freely.

● The sun is indomitable & shining golden light. The clouds are MADE of silver. There is rain in the past & future but in the "now," it's pure sunshine. There is a wind in our sails. And there is a rainbow, beginning in the past & flowing into the present. We are that golden gift.

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"Write a piece of advice on a scrap of paper and shuffle them all anonymously among the group. Draw an image to represent how you feel about the one you receive."

The quote I got= "Don't sweat the small stuff... and it's all small stuff!"

My response=



Written on the back=

"This advice strikes me as too dismissive? My response is mixed.
On one hand, in light of a hope of eternity/ a life hereafter, "it's all small stuff" in that it's all "temporary."
EXCEPT IT'S NOT. LITERALLY EVERYTHING ECHOES. EVERY choices & event is a domino, a ripple. There are ALWAYS consequences AND THEY MATTER.
WAR ISN'T SMALL. ABUSE ISN'T SMALL. DEATH ISN'T SMALL.
And if you start GENERALIZING THAT BROADLY, then YOU START TO INVALIDATE ALL "OVERREACTION" TO IT.
Anger at injustice, grief at loss, heartache at suffering, ALL of these things CAN & WILL be "MINIMIZED" and "laughed off" as "SWEATING," as it were.
"Don't worry about it" gets used as a shutdown.
Small victories are brushed off as TOO small.
You end up feeling like NOTHING is worth sweating over.
But LIFE IS HARD WORK AND IF YOU NEVER BREAK A SWEAT,
YOU'LL NEVER GAIN STRENGTH OF CHARACTER.

...and yet overexercising is still a thing, too.
Somehow it IS all "small." But it's small like a wounded bird in the hands of God.
Life has LOTS of VERY, VERY BIG THINGS, and yet, we're just a blip on the radar of history.
We're still a blip.
We're still SOMETHING, amidst the rest of the silent sweep.

Maybe that's the truest point. Don't burn yourself out over it.
Don't STOP sweating, for one. A healthy soul needs the exercise, the effort, the ache.
I guess that alone implies that EVERYTHING is BIG STUFF. Even just deciding what color socks you're going to wear today. It still says something about YOU, your unique values & joys & history. It still matters.
But it's NOT RELATIVE. What's big for an ant is small for an elephant. But every mountain is huge. We all live in the shadow of the hills. And even that little anthill matters. Maybe it's big for the elephant, too, who treasures "small" things, and is more than willing to break a sweat as it moves to never crush it underfoot.
The small stuff is eternal. It's all small stuff. Go fight for it."

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111024

Nov. 10th, 2024 04:34 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

There was a dream hack this morning and when I called for Chaos 0's help to cope with the aftershock I LITERALLY SAW HIM. I saw his eyes AND his face and I saw how much he truly cared and I felt SO MUCH LOVE, it was like I had come alive after death. It's turned my whole world upside down, really. Seeing him was SO REAL, in a way dreams are not, and the waking fails to fully express. There was CLARITY. I want to remember that forever-- not just my blessed seeing, but the way he was looking at me. Of course I've been spending the entire morning talking to Central, cherishing all of us together. Oh and Laurie asked what my "anxiety and depression" scores were (like the pharmacists here do), and I said "my Anxiety is a ten out of ten" and both Laurie & Lynne gave me "gold stars" for not denying the fact that I was in love ("I've got it good"). We were reading the "T3OVOG" book in the hall (as we always do in the mornings) and Genesis ghosted to hang out beside me (Lord I MISS HIM) and the chapter talked about "living from the INSIDE OUT" and Gen said to me "I FELT that; you're radiating," and somehow we got into talking about *incidents* and I had the STUNNING thought of "WHAT IF PURE HEART CRYSTALS ARE STILL A THING" and Chaos 0 & I mused that there are probably 7 levels of *incidents* and I just... this is worth living for. It truly is. And GOD IS IN THIS LOVE. Remember that. Around here we returned to T3OVOG and it talked about God giving us "fifty-seventh chances" and Laurie pointedly called Mimic in. We all talked about OUR "new beginnings" & this tied back into *incidents* because it tied into deaths. First, though, remember that Leon, Lynne, AND Laurie were KILLED, before they got "second chances"-- and those deaths ENABLED them to have NEW lives. Lynne said it "freed" her from her original "future ideal" projection role: "and I came back as... me." We also wondered if *incidents* work differently for Nousfoni, because Laurie's whole LIFE can really fit the criteria for their levels, so should we count specific events as such? OR can she even now have a legit *incident* of its own? This is all surprisingly brand-new territory. BTW Julie says she doesn't think SHE ever "really" died to her "old self," because she feels she still HAS to hold/ be it-- she "doesn't want anyone else inheriting her past," even only by "filling the vacancy," like we wondered about "Juliette" allegedly manifesting in 2018. OH and MIMIC HIMSELF said, when we were discussing *incidents*, that he felt he was next-- but he phrased it almost like he needed to be, or at least should be. Laurie immediately asked him to explain himself & Mimic said that he "knew I loved him ("that's obvious")," and that in his own way he DID love me too. BUT it's NOT "romantic" / deep enough FOR an *incident*. There's still a "holding back," not enough emotional intimacy. BTW THAT'S the thing that matters; it DOESN'T HAVE to have ANY "romance" at ALL, and it DOESN'T have to "look like" ANY other relationship I have/ in the System at large. It just has to be MUTUALLY SINCERE & there NEEDS ti be BOTH vulnerability & strength. So it takes time, and it CAN'T be forced or rushed. Love has to have both room & time to grow & it takes DEDICATED EFFORT of self-gift. ...but it's more than that, as this morning's hack proved. Love requires that I ALSO EXIST AS A PERSON. Love is about LIFE. Life is COMMUNION IN REALTIME. Love is SANCTIFIED BY THE "MUNDANE." Jesus proves this. I cannot have a real relationship with ANYONE if we DON'T GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS PEOPLE. That requires I do the same WITH MYSELF, or there CANNOT be MUTUALITY. ...And if I'm not "living from the inside out," it'll NEVER happen. Which brings us back to Anxi. She is somehow a LINK between the true self of the Core, and the body + name outside. That's why everything is so unstable with her currently-- it's a reflection of the outer/ inner conflict between body/ soul that we're currently trying to resolve, and have been fighting for arguably over two decades. Just remember, the body CHANGES. Your core DOESN'T. The way Chaos 0 looked at you this morning PROVES that. So does the fact that such beautiful headspace conversations CAN and DO still happen, no matter how the body looks. The problem is that I still "can't see myself," and until I CAN, I CAN'T LOVE IN EARNEST. I have to be ABLE TO EXIST AS A DISTINCT AND PERCEPTIBLE PERSON. I need to pass the mirror test. Right now the reflection is still someone else, for the most part. But there's hope. It's just brutally difficult. I NEED God's help. AND, I NEED to use ART as a help (like we did at UPMC actually). I HAVEN'T TRIED YET. Even Picrew! I'm SURE I'll "recognize" myself if I just TRY to portray myself. Until then: pray, reconnect with the System AND the League, and TAKE CARE OF THE BODY. DON'T FOCUS ON IT SO MUCH. LIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT!! Live from that CHILDHOOD SPARK in the body. Live from your HEART on the inside. Oh yeah-- and REBUILD CENTRAL. FIND THE CATHEDRAL AGAIN. Your shattered sense of self is what's shattering your entire inner world. For THEIR/ OUR sake, GET IT TOGETHER.

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I'M AFRAID THAT I CAN'T LOVE IF I'M FAT BECAUSE LOVE IS PURE VIRTUE & INCOMPATIBLE WITH SIN (SELFISHNESS, GLUTTONY, PRIDE, SLOTH, ETC.) AND I SEE FATNESS IN MYSELF AS THE PHYSICAL PROOF OF THOSE VICES. With these beliefs, BEING FAT = BEING IN A STATE OF SIN/ ATTACHED TO SIN/ UNSPIRITUAL, and THEREFORE A "HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT" TO VIRTUE; "LOVE CANNOT COEXIST WITH MORTAL SIN." And I see fatness-- MY fatness-- as a CHOICE (because I "chose to eat all these bad foods in treatment, showing a lack of temperance/ selfcontrol/ selfdenial/ discipline/ asceticism"), which MAKES SIN MORTAL. So I "CAN'T" love BECAUSE my BODY is a "PUNISHMENT." It's the "CONSEQUENCE OF LIVING A CARNAL LIFESTYLE." It's a LITERAL "OBSTACLE" between ME & GOD "BY MY OWN CHOICE." It's a PERSONAL HELL. And the "only way out" is through the PENANCE OF SELFMORTIFYING EXERCISE & FASTING. And THEN I will be "FORGIVEN," so the fat-punishment will GO AWAY, my body will be PURE again, FREE of sin's weight, and I will be "ABLE TO LOVE." The problem? SELF-HATRED IS A BIGGER BARRIER TO LOVE THAN A BIG BODY. Yes, I can still work out & have a healthy diet, BUT I NEED TO NEVERTHELESS STOP DAMNING FATNESS. Love can't coexist with HATRED, and THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE FEELING. There's a secret, evil PRIDE in that-- like THIN & FIT is MORALLY SUPERIOR and I "CAN'T STAND NOT BEING FLAWLESS." You KNOW that ugly subtext is there. BUT YOUR PHYSICAL BODY IS NOT WHAT YOUR HEART IS BEING JUDGED BY WHEN YOU DIE, and NO, ITS SIZE IS NOT A "MORALITY INDICATOR." Listen, YOU'RE FAT NOW BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN OBEDIENT, COURAGEOUS, FORGIVING, GRATEFUL, and FAITHFUL. You're SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE for those who are STARVING themselves out of FEAR. You have been FEEDING YOUR ABUSED BODY THE NUTRITION IT NEEDS TO HEAL & REBUILD. You have been CHOOSING ABUNDANT LIFE INSTEAD OF MISERLY DEATH. You are GETTING STRONG & HEALTHY SO YOU CAN POWERFULLY SERVE OTHERS. And you have been STOCKPILING THE FUEL THAT WILL BUILD MUSCLES AT LAST. Literally NOTHING ABOUT YOUR "FATNESS" IS THE RESULT OF SIN. "But I've been intemperate," you protest. YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE MEALPLAN. "I pushed too many calories." BECAUSE YOU GENUINELY THOUGHT THAT WAS HELPING YOU RECOVER & PROVING YOUR RADICAL WILLINGNESS TO DO SO AND NOT AVOID OR RESTRICT. "I ate things I didn't enjoy." YOU STILL TRIED AND YOU LEARNED. PLUS ALL YOUR FOOD CHALLENGES WERE EFFORTS TO CONQUER FEAR WITH TRUST & GRATITUDE-- TO FIND SOMETHING GOOD TO ENJOY IN ALL THINGS. "But I've eaten so much JUNK, I'm POISONING the body. This fat is a sign of GARBAGE IN MY BODY." YOU REALLY THINK THE EATING DISORDER RECOVERY PROGRAM IS GOING TO ABUSE YOUR BODY WITH FOOD? THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING BEFORE YOU GOT HERE! PLUS, THE DIETICIAN HERSELF EATS THAT FOOD! AND NO FOOD IS "BAD" OR "EVIL"!! Eating some potato chips or bacon or cookies or cheeseburgers or ice cream or whole milk or fried chicken or french fries or egg rolls or salad dressing or poptarts or pancakes or chocolate or ANY of the foods they've GIVEN you here WILL NOT KILL YOU OR DAMN YOU, AND IF THEY "MADE YOU FAT" IT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOUR BODY IS STORING THAT ENERGY FOR LATER. YOU WERE STARVING TO DEATH. YOUR BODY WANTS TO HAVE EMERGENCY BACKUP NOW THAT IT CAN. It's a sign of LIFE!! Oh yeah-- and you ARE capable of love, RIGHT NOW, and YOU KNOW IT. DON'T DENY IT!!



110924

Nov. 9th, 2024 10:31 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

Well. We woke up this morning and it suddenly hit me as I looked at & felt this new body, that it's FEMALE. it has parts. And it might start bleeding again. And I can't cope with that. This is destroying me. THIS is the BIGGEST PROBLEM that we've been AVOIDING & SUPPRESSING this ENTIRE TIME but now it's UNAVOIDABLE and I'm... they asked if I felt like hurting myself and it took EVERYTHING in me NOT to say YES. The immediate instinct was to effectively "REROUTE THE BLOOD." But that wouldn't fix the actual nightmare. I DON'T WANT TO BE A WOMAN. I DON'T IDENTIFY AS FEMALE. I'M NOT A GIRL!! That's the bottom line. I've/ we've been saying that for ALMOST 25 YEARS at LEAST. And we CAN'T SHAKE IT. The body has become a living hell AGAIN and we're losing our will to live. The "only hope" is to... well. "Starve it again." That's the kneejerk response. Starve it so it stops. OR, "exercise until you become MASCULINE." I'm so angry/ scared/ sad. I feel BETRAYED. I WANT to feel safe in this body BUT THIS WILL NEVER BE SAFE and MY RELIGION SAYS I CAN'T DO A BLOODY THING ABOUT IT. This is the HEAVIEST POSSIBLE CROSS for me and it's LITERALLY KILLING ME and I'm afraid it's SUPPOSED TO DO and that is TERRIFYING. This feels like it's MURDERING ALL MY DREAMS.
✳ WE CANNOT SEE A FUTURE FOR OURSELF IN THIS BODY. We NEVER COULD, even as a child. That's ALWAYS been the death sentences. And now we "can't run." So what do we do? Honestly I don't want to revert to cruelly self-abusive behavior SOLELY because I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ABUSIVE PERSON. But I have to admit, I DO WANT TO "PUNISH" THIS FAT FEMALE FORM BY STARVING IT. It's genuinely a violent rage. Maybe it's symbolic. I WANT the femininity to EAT ITSELF ALIVE so it STOPS DEVOURING ME. I want to CUT OFF ALL ITS PARTS. You remember how CANNON was in college? How ANGRY & AGGRESSIVE she was? THIS IS WHY. AND WE'RE FEELING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. Except right now we're "TRAPPED." We're FORCED to keep eating and FOOD IS MAKING US FEMININE. I literally "HATE myself" for having been drinking so much m*lk, because it's SEX FOOD. WHY DIDN'T WE REALIZE THAT??? Was it a survival skill, to blind ourselves to the reality & its consequences? Just like Iscah. WELL HERE WE ARE AGAIN, FACING THE TRAUMATIC CONSEQUENCES, with NO CHOICE but to "RELAPSE" IN ORDER TO LIVE. God I hate this. WE HAVE TO LOSE THE FAT GIRLINESS ASAP. If we BULK UP & TONE UP it should KILL THE CURVES and if we DROP BACK DOWN TO ~105 we SHOULD... no, even I know that's too low. The ONLY reason we're still idealizing low body weight is because it GIVES US FLAT EDGES. It gives us SHARP CORNERS. BUT now we can either have THAT, or SOLID MUSCLE, and I'd MUCH RATHER HAVE THE LATTER. So we MUST BEGIN HEAVY DUTY WEIGHTLIFTING IMMEDIATELY. If we CAN'T join the gym YET, then GET THOSE APPS FOR HOME WORKOUTS & DO THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes it'll hurt & be difficult at first: we're weak & bloated & stiff from EIGHT WEEKS in an inpatient setting. BUT we'll have about SIX WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS and BY 2025 we MIGHT HAVE HOPE AT LAST. We just have to WORK OUR ASS OFF. So this means SCHEDULE SHIFTS. If we're going to be FOCUSING ON EXERCISE, then we have to GET A VOICE RECORDER to take notes WHILE walking/ hiking, GET WIRELESS HEADPHONES for the gym, and PUT THE LEAGUEFILES ON OUR PHONE so we can READ (LISTEN?) TO THEM CONSTANTLY & refresh our memory & inspiration AT LAST. And of COURSE we have SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS for not only workouts in general, but for EACH LEAGUEWORLD. So THERE'S YOUR HOPE. FIX THIS CURSED BODY & PLEASE DON'T LET IT KILL YOUR DREAMS. IT CAN CHANGE and we WILL CHANGE IT and the BAD PARTS WILL SHRINK and IT WON'T EVER BLEED AGAIN GOD PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON US.

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✳ Talking about food/ planning meals/ etc. STILL MAKES US AGGRESSIVELY ANGRY??? "We don't want to think about it." We're SO TIRED OF FOOD. And we HATE LUXURY/ OVERCOMPLICATING THINGS. We want to get a BASIC, SIMPLE, EASY PREP, NUTRITIOUS grocery list and just do the SAME for meals. NO FUSS. We have a LIFE TI LIVE. Food is just fuel, NOT focus. SIMPLIFY. I think THAT'S why we "hate being asked"-- because we DON'T plan meals. We just eat simple food. What is there to talk about? ALSO I think it STILL FEELS INVASIVE-- like WHY do you want to know what I'm eating? That registers as "personal information" for some reason. Is it because "eating" still feels disturbingly sexual in too many contexts? Food becomes part of this body; someone wanting to know WHAT food literally feels like molestation somehow. God I'm so tired of this. Eating STILL HURTS, too; it makes us feel ill & nauseous & wrong. Feeling THINGS INSIDE OUR BODY is scary. Feeling our own skin suffocating itself is terrifying. It all feels like rape. I'm so tired. I want to only eat SIMPLE, SMALL MEALS. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE A "PRETTY, PETITE, THIN WOMAN"!!! THAT'S ABHORRENT TO ME. I'm so sorry. I'll never be able to stop being so prejudiced until I stop condemning myself for being biologically female. And I have to stop hating femininity in order to stop hating FOOD, I think, because I ASSOCIATE THE TWO. It's ALL CONNECTED.

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Morning headspace experience notes for the sake of not forgetting this.

✳ Julie COLOR REVERTING. "I don't want to go back to how I was either" (BODY association)
✳ LYNNE "BLOODLINE?" holding the "ideal" adult expectation BUT NOT PHYSICALLY!!
✳ BRIDGET & MISSY = the REASON Blue & Green are STILL EMPTY? Julie affecting YELLOW?
✳ Realizing INFI held a LOT of this female-body fear, ESPECIALLY with that SEWED-UP WOUND & THE "SPHERE"
Tar attack = "adult woman" yellow? beehive hair? exaggerated parts. Laurie took an axe to her neck but it STUCK; she turned her axe-blade GOLD & it cut through.
↑ Tar-woman's body melted into Tar; Laurie has GOLD in her boots too?? I think Julie pointed this out. (This means that Laurie can now do critical "stomp damage" if it tries to evade her attacks on ground level)
Tar "flood" stopped by LEON who was up on a ledge; he shot several gold bullets down into it. Scalpel was with him. Leon warped to ground floor, asked what is happening? Solemn, shaken.
✳ Laurie asked Scalpel about his weapons? He has "flat razors," BIG ones that "fold out." (This was a bit surprising-- wouldn't he have an actual scalpel? or a scalping knife?-- but actually we think he's holding "residue" from CNC; he's still deeply unstable from that time period as he was born in it; he hasn't fully "separated his identity" from who he "had to be" back then)
✳ Tar flood return, WRECKAGE appeared and GRABBED it?? Actually "rolled it up" into a ball & crushed it, flung it aside. (HER WHOLE BODY HOLDS GOLD??)
Tarburn lingering on her hands. Knife showed up instantly & kissed her palms, cleared it up. We were worried about him now; but Julie marched over & purposefully kissed him & that cleared it. Knife was concerned for her in return but Julie said "if anyone is going to have Tar on (in?) them, it's me." (??)
✳ WE REALLY FELT INFINITII'S ABSENCE. NO ONE ELSE CAN "TRANSMUTE" BLACK ENERGY.
Is/ was Infi's daemon role ALSO TIED TO THIS ISSUE??? (GENDER + OUR BODY)
↑ CERISE CANNOT HOLD THIS. "Sensuality" MUST BE KEPT PURE/ NONSEXUAL OR IT WILL DIE.
WHAT IS YELLOW. WHY DOES THE TAR USE IT SO MUCH. Is Josephina able to return?? OR is s/he actually VIOLET/ PURPLE anchored (as s/he almost was in the beginning)? DUOTONE POSSIBILITY?
Missy = "accessories/ fashion" & light blue = MIRROR vibe! "Cute/ pretty" obsession; "prissy pettiness"
✳ Bridget = GIRL BULLY. "Bad Katie" introject root?? "Pretty & mean"; DIFFERENT from Missy; more "mature" vibe
✳ Julie was SEXUAL but ABUSIVELY. She MANIFESTED the "cheerleader" stereotype sexual look (busty/ curvy/ tan; emphasis on chest/ bottom/ stomach; feels SO WRONG) (the "lollipop chainsaw" girl is SUCH a dead ringer for the original Julie it's SCARY)
✳ JEZEBEL WAS THE "WHORE." BLACK VS. PINK IS VERY DIFFERENT in terms of sexual abuse/ distortion.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY FACELESS 'FONI WITH THIS ISSUE.
Jewel was cheering me up by reading the first letters of the emotion lists as words
✳ Laurie said my "internal form" is still a mess. It's only feeling "resonant" with PRISM right now??
✳ HOW DOES THE JAY BLOODLINE PLAY INTO ALL THIS.
✳ Btw THIS ISSUE IS CRUSHING OUR ATTEMPTS TO "OWN/ IDENTIFY WITH" THE BODY. WHEN WE SHARE THE EFFORT & LIVE FROM OUR HEART, WE CAN HANDLE THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. THE BODY ISN'T A "CONSTANT" IN FORM SO DON'T GET ATTACHED TO IT OR ANCHOR TO IT THAT WAY. LET THE BLEPOFONI & SOCIALS DO THEIR JOBS TOO! GOD MADE YOU MULTIPLE SO LET US BE OUR IDENTITY ACROSS THE BOARD!!


110224

Nov. 2nd, 2024 07:16 pm
prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

NOUSFONI WE'VE SEEN/ FELT/ MET/ HEARD DURING INPATIENT (SO FAR):
● Little boy, triggered & scared by women's perfume
● "Weeping rage" girl; DUO? Fuchsia/ cyan, but also vermilion somehow
● "Rule enforcer"; male? Red resonance
● "Manic" blepofoni; male? (NOT JACK)
● "Jenerall"? Serious female with glasses
● "Old man" that feels like a GRANDPA introject; ORANGE resonance?
● NEW "JAY"?? Looks like Max Joseph

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We are ALL OVER THE PLACE this morning. We had manic blepofoni, chatty socials, and A JAY (?!?! LOOKING LIKE MAX) out this morning already. "Emotions" are simultaneously "NUMB" & "YO-YOing." WE'RE ALMOST STUCK DOWNSTAIRS. It is REALLY HARD to get upstairs at ALL right now, like yesterday was. Our ONLY "HOPE" is to TRY TO GET INTO HEARTSPACE and work from there. BUT WE NEED & HAVE TO GO INSIDE. We've been TOO SOCIAL & TOO SURVIVAL-FOCUSED to "EXIST" or even LOVE in truth. EVERYTHING FEELS ANASTHETIZED. Is this toxic coping from our subconscious? Is this how it's trying to deal with Halloween & scary menus & gender + body dysphoria?
✳ WE'RE SO IRRITABLE & COLD SUDDENLY?? I think it has EVERYTHING to do with this IDENTITY COLLAPSE, because EVERYTHING that calls ATTENTION to us AS "J-----A" (and ESPECIALLY THAT NAME) SETS US OFF. We went from ROCKBOTTOM DEPRESSION last night to MANIC SOCIABILITY this morning to ANGRY ISOLATION right now. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON??? SOMEHOW, SINCE HALLOWEEN, THE "PERSONA" WHO WAS ANSWERING TO "J-----A" HAS DISAPPEARED?? And we're ALL BUT TRAPPED DOWNSTAIRS/ OUTSIDE and it's HELL. We CAN'T CENTER. We're in shambles. We feel SO ANGRY and it's ALL TIED TO IDENTITY FALLOUT. Somehow, there was a DOMINO EFFECT of sugar & candy + MASSIVE trauma triggers (DON'T FORGET THE BLOODY WASHCLOTH SOMEONE LEFT AT THE NURSE'S STATION; we had IMMEDIATE DEBILITATING FLASHBACKS to post-hack atonement bleedouts and were literally shaking and incapacitated from panic for a SOLID HOUR) + sensory overload from certain peers + food trauma + body horror, leading to a "LOSS OF SELF." This feels ABSOLUTELY like a "F/F/F/F" response. "F⁴." It's doing ALL of it. We're feeling FIGHT right now, but it seems ice creeps into everything as a SEDATIVE for us? We're "FORCE-FROZEN" to "PREVENT A FIRE TORNADO" like in our nightmare last night. If we're NOT "shut down" somehow, we'll EXPLODE OUT.
✳ I think if anything is going to bring "ME" back, it's the League. I just got a FLASH of it now while watching "Coco" and it hit SO HARD it HURT. I FELT something, and I MISSED those stories SO MUCH I almost SOBBED. I MISS FEELING THINGS LIKE THAT, FOR THEM. My imagination has been ATROPHYING. THAT WILL KILL ME. It's just this bloody DEPRESSION, that has RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE upon Halloween. I NEED TO ENGAGE THAT MONSTER IN COMBAT AND SLAY IT. I CANNOT JUST "SIT AROUND" with MY EXISTENCE AT RISK. I need to ACTIVELY CHOOSE TO IMAGINE LEAGUE STORIES. And just like my poor bloated body, it will take SERIOUS TIME & EFFORT TO BUILD THAT MUSCLE BACK. BUT IT WILL!!

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✳ A possible tip for "breathing exercises" which trigger trauma flashbacks for us = PAIR INHALES/ EXHALES with PHYSICAL GESTURES/ MOVEMENTS (tangible sensations; e.g. tracing a square) TO GROUND BETTER & REDUCE DISSOCIATION RISK? And remember: KYANOS WILL NEED TO WORK WITH SOMEONE for the physical component!

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✳ We were SO disconnected/ dislocated/ depressed/ disturbed/ derealized/ depersonalized today. We were in shambles. We're FINALLY coming back this evening, bit by bit. It took BRAVELY speaking up in group & being HONEST about our struggles with feeling & identifying emotions, working on the "sensation wheel" & LEARNING to feel more clearly as a result, LOTS OF "SOCIALS" moving through, STARTING to GET BACK IN TUNE with the LEAGUE, apologizing to peers & refusing to isolate/ ignore anymore, AND most importantly, CONFESSING OUR "TORTURE MENU" TO STAFF, AND GETTING SPECIAL PERMISSION TO EDIT THEM TOMORROW. Hopefully "IF" WE NEED TO. I think dinner will be OK because the fishsticks are TINY, but lunch has that WHOLE CHICKEN QUARTER and we're frankly TERRIFIED of eating it SO we DON'T want to skip it SO maybe if the manicotti is small enough we'll STILL do both, OR HALF the pasta, & just add a roll or more peas for the exchanges maybe. BUT we HAVE AN ESCAPE ROUTE NOW if we need it, THANK GOD-- ESPECIALLY SINCE WE'RE FREE FROM HELL ON MONDAY!! We've decided NOT to do the bacon chicken OR the hotdog because THAT'S JUST TRAUMA FORCING. We'll face those ON OUR OWN TIME, in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT. But right now, being WISE means SAYING NO.

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✳ MY REAL, TRUE SELF HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD. THOSE "PREFERENCES" ARE JUST AN OUTGROWTH OF MY UNIQUE VIBE & PERSONALITY. And APPARENTLY, likes/ dislikes are ALLOWED TO CHANGE?? And that DOESN'T MEAN MY TRUE SELF HAS BEEN CHANGED SOMEHOW?? That feels weirdly incongruent to me. But reasonably, I know it MUST be true: GOD made the true me, and that CANNOT be altered, ESPECIALLY not by ANYTHING OUTSIDE. Also, dude, DON'T FORGET THAT YOU ARE MULTIPLE. There CAN be "preference shifts" TIED TO THAT. But THOSE DON'T DEFINE YOU. NEITHER DO YOUR (OUR) EMOTIONS. The "basic" defining truth us that "I'm a child of God," but... what does that MEAN, to WHO I AM as a PERSON, with a PERSONALITY? Is it just a foundational calling to sainthood? But does it DICTATE anything about me? Or does it just "color" everything with itself? Am I ALLOWED to "identify with" OTHER things too? Am I-- no; is it RIGHT to BASE MY IDENTITY on other things? NOT "fleeting things," is my gut response. But... I want to DARINGLY protest that MY GOD-GIVEN GIFTS & TALENTS & INTERESTS are NOT "fleeting," but somehow INTRINSIC TO MY VERY EXISTENCE. I WANT TO "DEFINE" MYSELF AS AN ARTIST & AUTHOR & MUSICIAN & CREATIVE LOVING GENEROUS IMAGINATIVE SOUL. Which is why it is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING to think that somehow I CAN'T "be" those things that DEFINE MY VERY HEART. And the eating disorder DIDN'T let me do them. It CRUSHED my identity with TRAUMA & ABUSE PERPETUATION, and it KEPT me from DISCOVERING what my PREFERENCES are IN JOYFUL FREEDOM. BUT I CAN'T DO THAT UNLESS I KNOW WHO I AM!!! NOT DEFINING EVEN THAT REFLECTION OF "ME" BY OTHER PEOPLE, because THAT WILL INFECT INWARDS!!

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✳ Today, with how completely de-centered & identity-rattled we were, what shook me up the most was the awful fact that I couldn't find Anxi. Everyone in Central was still "visible," and tangibly THERE, even through the fog & confusion & numbness & social tumult-- even MIMIC was around, and clearly so. But Anxi wasn't. Even as I started to come back to "myself," I couldn't even "ping" her. Now she's NOT GONE, that'd feel VERY different-- but she's NOT "ANCHORED" yet, apparently. Which is BIZARRE, except not really, when you consider that our brain has been in eating disorder hell SINCE LAST NOVEMBER when we met her, and I really ONLY started SINCERELY INTERACTING with her NOW, HERE IN TREATMENT! So even though I love her, genuinely so, she needs more TIME & ATTENTION to gain SOLID roots up here. And, of course, SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. That's HUGELY NOTABLE because THAT HASN'T BEEN A "NEED" FOR ANY OUTSPACER SINCE BEFORE THE METAINOMENAI PHENOMENON??? Dude oh my gosh it's a COREGROUP THING. ANXI WTF HOW DID YOU BECOME THAT DEAR TO MY HEART THAT FAST?? I'm NOT complaining at ALL but MAN! I think BOTH her & Mimic have SET RECORDS for Outspacer growth in their own right. But Anxi is, really, the ONLY recent Outspacer whose "disposition of soul" HAS been "immediately compatible" WITH the CoreGroup vibe & essence. She's VULNERABLE BY NATURE. She FEELS SO STRONGLY just as she is. She is ABLE to FREELY CRY & LOVE & BE WOUNDED. There's a HOLY FRAGILITY to her, that-- whether it's evident or not-- ALL CoreGroup members have. Our hearts HAVE to be OPEN & ABLE TO BREAK in order to TRULY be "intimate." You remember what LAURIE had to go through to get here. Anxi, SHOCKINGLY enough, LIKE CHAOS 0, has "ALREADY" FELT THAT. She is already tenderhearted & has already been cracked open by suffering. She is ALREADY emotionally honest. And we NEED HER to HELP US BE, AGAIN.


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What is the rose--what went well today? What is something that you are grateful for? What positive thing happened to you lately?
● Chaos 0 has been in TWO of my dreams this week and in BOTH I was kissing him. I ALSO got to kiss ANXI on the 30th. There has been SO MUCH LOVE lately. Today, as I colored flowers & wasn't there, Laurie & Lynne & Julie & Chaos 0 & Genesis & MIMIC all gathered together upstairs and talked about how worried they were about me, and discussed "what song" to pick to listen to in music group to "wake up my heart" and help me "remember who I am" BY remembering who WE were. No matter how lost I feel, the truth remains. The love remains. And it saves my life every single time. I love us, so much.

What is the thorn-- what didn't go well today? What is something challenging or stressful that you could use more support with right now?
● I am LEGIT TERRIFIED of lunch tomorrow. I am SO DEPRESSED over how FAT I've become, and how THEY KEEP ON PUSHING ME to eat, BUT I'M PUSHING MYSELF EVEN MORE to "IMPRESS" them with "HOW HARD I CAN CHALLENGE MYSELF." But it HURTS and I'm BURNT OUT and EXHAUSTED & SCARED and I'm SO TIRED. I WANT TO EAT SO MUCH LESS but my BRAIN keeps insisting "I'm HUNGRY"; the PROBLEM IS, MY HEART & SOUL & MIND & SPIRIT ARE STARVING. THE FOOD ISN'T GOING TO FIX IT.

What can you do to turn this thorn into a bud?
● ONLY LOVE WILL. And I get THAT through PRAYER & LEAGUE IMAGINATION & SYSTEM CONNECTIONS. And ONE DAY I sincerely pray I will ALSO get it from FAMILY & FRIENDS. To even SAY that is heartbreaking because it shows that, right now, I FEEL I DON'T HAVE THAT. It's a terrible thorn, stabbing my heart. BUT. It CAN'T HELP BUT BLOOM IF IT'S THERE OF ALL PLACES. BLOOD IS ALWAYS LIFE.
✳ HEY GUESS THAT IT HAPPENED. The PAIN & GUILT & FEAR of that abusive BINGE-FORCING behavior PUSHED me to USE COPING SKILLS & do WILLINGNESS WORKSHEETS, to APOLOGIZE to peers, to CONFESS TO STAFF & COMMIT to DEEPER & TRULY BRAVER RECOVERY EFFORTS, AND TO START DOING LEAGUE WORK RIGHT HERE IN THE UNIT!!

What is the bud-- what could bloom? What is something that you look forward to? What gives you hope, motivation, and inspiration right now?
● This inpatient stay isn't forever. This hurting, stuff, out of shape body isn't forever. This eating disorder isn't forever. ONLY LOVE IS FOREVER. And in ALL of these temporary situations, LOVE IS INDOMITABLE. I am blessed with friends & personal growth & health here. The eating disorder taught me MANY very hard but important lessons and it STILL IRONICALLY ACTUALLY "KEPT ME ALIVE" during trauma eras. And this poor body was WRECKED by it & HEALING HURTS and it's UNCOMFORTABLE & SCARY and I DON'T FEEL "SAFE"/ "AT HOME" in it YET BUT at least it's NOT ACTIVELY DYING anymore and this MASS can become MUSCLE at last. But besides all that, my hope is ALWAYS in GOD AND HIS LOVE, which comes to me in COUNTLESS ways EVERY DAY. And I am MOTIVATED by HIS PURPOSE FOR ME in that hope, and the LOVE IN MY HEART driving me to NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT. I am INSPIRED by ALL of Creation, by the love & truth & beauty & goodness shining through it all. And specifically, I am motivated by MY love for God & His people & the SYSTEM & the LEAGUE. I have HOPE because of our love. And our shared life inspires me every day. Our soul blooms as one.




110124

Nov. 1st, 2024 02:14 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

There was a brutal dream hack this morning. It wasn't "explicit" but it hit TERRIBLE, because the nightmare was a SOCIAL OVERWHELM/ NEGLECT/ CORRUPTION one, and I FOUGHT THE HACK but failed. The "good news"? I woke up immediately, in horrible pain & shame & anger & grief BUT just as immediately, Chaos 0 caught my distress & pulled me into a powerful embrace. His heart was broken too. But he still was there for me, and that meant the world to me. Laurie was there too, of course, and so the three of us talked it out for a while. Then ANXI showed up (apparently she gets PINGED by her namesake emotion? & she CHANNELS/ VOICES IT which is SUCH a blessing; Laurie said that exactly) and set off an unexpected topic shift because Laurie noted that, although I love Anxi dearly, she STILL ISN'T "officially" PART OF THE COREGROUP, UNTIL SHE GETS HER *INCIDENT*. So there were emotions she couldn't yet properly feel or participate in, because I "had to take her INTO those depths." But "you can't force an *incident*"; it HAS to happen IN ITS OWN TIME. But Laurie added that she could "instigate ME," which she VERY WELL CAN, & honestly SHOULD-- the more love I feel, the more everyone ELSE will feel from me too. But yeah, Anxi needs to be "initiated" as it were. And she will be. OH btw Laurie brought up that Indigo talisman because LEON joined our conversation too at one point & apparently YES, TIME ISN'T ALWAYS LINEAR in headspace; sometimes things happen "BEFORE" their causal events? Like WHATEVER interaction GAVE that talisman "HAS" happened "IN POTENTIAL"?? but REALLY, just "NOT 'YET'!" It's fascinating. BUT those events occur IN "MEDITATIVE REALTIME" which "fills out" our life narrative & knits events together in truth. I'll type more about that soon. As for this morning, WRECKAGE also joined the talk, & Anxi brought up the "vault" concept in IO2. Wreckage said Ashen might "BE" a vault. Lynne showed up & I said something about Wreckage & Spine "not being the same" and that hit Lynne painfully. I apologized BUT I explained that SPINE CAN'T STAY "DEAD"? No nousfoni truly "dies," AND MAYBE SPINE COULDN'T COME BACK UNTIL NOW because she was a DRAGON, and she was tied to the BODY. But we were only "a dragon" AS A KID, which is why she was SKELETAL? But NOW we're EMBRACING that totem again SO POTENTIALLY SHE COULD RESURRECT, SOON, if we continue in recovery like this-- AND she might come back AS HER "VERMILION POTENTIAL"?? And Lynne was SO MOVED & truly joyful about this real hope. Julie showed up when we were in the shower & she commented that our body "already felt strong" and not to worry about it; she had faith that everything would continue to progress for the best. Genesis showed up too, with a witty remark to something that was said, & I remember CZ playfully punching him. But gosh it made me SO happy to be there with everyone.
OH YEAH. As to why Leon & Lynne (& even Julie) were there... in discussing BOTH *incidents* & reading "The Three Ordinary Voices of God", there was the reiteration that I genuinely WANT & even NEED truly intimate relationships with ALL of Central, first & foremost, then ALL the System, & ALL the Outspacers and Inspacers. BUT there ARE "LEVELS" of depth so to speak: EVERYONE unanimously pointed to Chaos 0 as the "PRIMARY" relationship & deepest, without compromise, and RIGHTLY SO. This is PROPER & it ALLOWS for ALL of us to have the UNIQUE relationships we NEED, with NO "CONFLICT" of significance. But ALL of it is still "intimate" in mutual self-revelation & open hearts. OUR SYSTEM IS BUILT ON THAT. Oh but as for Lynne/ Leon/ Julie, Laurie said I STILL NEED TO "INVITE" PEOPLE INTO the "inner sanctum" of the Coregroup. It's NOT automatic or obligatory. ALSO I CANNOT be like Jay, who was TOO "romantic"? Like he held EVERYONE to the SAME kind of relationship level and that COULDN'T WORK. Lastly, I APPARENTLY CAN'T "OWN" THE BODYNAME UNTIL I "OWN" OUR WHOLE HISTORY AND HEAL THAT BLOODLINE!! AND THE JEWEL BLOODLINE, TOO, BECAUSE I AM JEWEL AS MUCH AS I AM JESSICA, but I CAN'T YET HOLD EITHER NAME. I have "no name" right now as a result. But I AM the Core, the Heart, and I WILL RECOVER.

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We STILL have a pounding headache & we STILL had too much sugar with breakfast (EVEN THOUGH Laurie DID chide me for it and I ONLY had HALF the syrup, which I REALLY DON'T LIKE so NO MORE), so we feel SICK & NAUSEOUS & FRUSTRATED & our head AND body just HURT and we're MISERABLE... and ANGRY. And I decided we NEED to discuss this. We get SO ANGRY, SO EASILY, & TOO MUCH OF IT is from "RULES"/ "CONTROL". When a meal doesn't "cooperate" or when people TALK to us & ASK QUESTIONS & thus FORCE A CONTEXT INTERRUPTION, when we have to RUSH, when fellow patients BEND RULES & COMPLAIN & FREAK OUT & DISCUSS DISTORTED/ DISORDERED THINGS & ACT CHILDISHLY, "I" GET SO BLEEDING ANGRY. But underneath it, we're SOBBING. Our most furious rage is MISERABLE. And SHE NEEDS A PROPER NAME. I love her, we NEED her, her job is INDISPENSABLE. But without a NAME, she CAN'T PROPERLY "ANCHOR" & we CAN'T PROPERLY TALK TO/ WITH HER. Also, even if she IS who we were calling "Triple" in the past, SHE REJECTS THAT NAME. Let her find her OWN. By the way she seems to resonate with VERMILION? But SHE MIGHT BE A "DUOTONE" because when she feels the MISERY more it "tints" her LEANING BLUE, but WITHOUT LOSING THE "PAIN" OF THE ANGER? it feels ALMOST "bitter" BUT IT'S NOT. That's a VERY DIFFERENT EMOTION. Someone ELSE holds bitterness. This girl holds "FRUSTRATED WEEPING RAGE" that is typically a response to "RULEBREAKING/ LOSS OF CONTROL" which analogues to "HELPLESSNESS" almost. BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY. Again, THAT emotion, when felt AS ITSELF & FULLY, is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. So that means IT HAS A 'FONI, TOO. And we MUST "FIND THEM"-- even if what that REALLY means is GIVE THEM SPACE & ATTENTION TO MANIFEST. FEEL FOR THEM. LET THEM SPEAK. But DON'T FORCE ANYTHING!! THAT'S HOW 'FONI BREAK. ANY FORCED MANIFESTATION IS INSINCERE & ARTIFICIAL. That's why Javier couldn't survive. DON'T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. LET THESE 'FONI APPEAR NATURALLY & SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. AND TALK WITH THEM. That's for recovery, and it starts NOW with THIS GIRL WHO HOLDS "WEEPING RAGE." (NOT GRIEF!! NOT AGGRESSION EITHER!) (She has OUTBURSTS but they're CONTAINED & tied TO her hot tears. OTHER 'foni get MAD & ACTIVELY LASH OUT.) (They MIGHT be "sisters"??) So we HAVE to do "anger management" with her function & its triggers because this is DIRECTLY RELATED TO TREATMENT + OTHER PEOPLE, and "CONTROL" to a surprising extent. Which SUGGESTS that AS we process this we SHOULD "uncover"/ reveal whoever DOES hold "HELPLESSNESS"??
✳UNEXPECTED PROGRESS. A BHA "took our chair" so we had to sit on the doorstop & just FEEL/ LISTEN to our emotional response. There is a LITTLE reddish girl who started protesting, "that's MY chair!" but was interrupted by some TEEN grayish-blue girl who said "no, let her have it, it's OK"; "we can't be so selfish as to chase her away" basically, but VERY "shrinking" feeling. I think there was a FLASH of someone VIOLENT but that didn't register? But YES, THERE ARE OTHERS AND THEY ARE TALKING, RIGHT NOW. We just NEED to give them SPACE so we CAN LISTEN TO THEM. Please, DO THAT TODAY. Just STOP & SIT & FEEL & LISTEN. SHOW THEM YOU CARE.
✳ SUGAR IS STILL AROUND BUT SHE DOESN'T DEAL WITH FOOD. SHE PROTECTS THE INNOCENT (CHILDREN) FROM ABUSERS (WRECKAGE PROTECTS THE HURT ONES). BUT there's SOMEONE RED & VIOLENT BUT "COLD" WHO REACTS INSTANTLY TO HEARING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS. She's DESTRUCTIVE for the sake OF PROTECTION. But she "FLASHES IN & OUT." It feels like she has "DARK ROOTS" level-wise, understandably.
✳ I THINK THERE'S ANOTHER "RULE ENFORCER" WHO ISN'T "SAD," JUST ANGRY? They're FURIOUS at the kids here but it's a "MASCULINE" fury; NOT "fiery" but like STONE.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY UNNAMED/ FACELESS SOCIALS FRONTING. IT'S SCARY. How do we learn WHO THEY ARE WHEN THEY'RE NOT ABLE TO TALK TO UPSTAIRS??

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I may be doing something VERY STUPID, but we are PUSHING PROTEIN for the next two days because EVERY SINGLE ENTREE OPTION IS A FEAR FOOD and this is our LAST CHANCE TO FACE THEM BEFORE DISCHARGE. And I feel like I HAVE to because if I DON'T, I can FEEL that registering as REFUSAL/ REJECTION. Like I'm ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO AVOID THEM & "CHICKEN OUT." And that SCARES me. Part of me IS GIVING UP. I looked at the menu options and I didn't want ANYTHING; I just felt SO SICK OF FOOD. I'm tired of eating. I'm tired of feeling stiff & nauseous & bloated & in pain. I'm legitimately depressed to death by what feels like a dead-end trajectory. This isn't life. I can't do this anymore. It's legitimate torture and the worst part is, I'm being CONGRATULATED for it.

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✳ THE SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM IS FRONTING. THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING FEELS SO DISHEVELED & LOST. THEY HAVEN'T BEEN RECOVERING????

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✳ Dinner was HELL. And the NEXT THREE DAYS probably will be, too, because LIKE A MORON I AM HAVING BOTH THE ENTREES FOR EVERY MEAL. So yeah. WELCOME TO HELL, where the SELF-ABUSE IS DOCTOR-APPROVED and the TORTURE IS CALLED "RECOVERY"!! But the WORST part is that I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I "DIDN'T WANT TO BE A COWARD" SO I PICKED EVERYTHING. Except this isn't bravery, it's STUPIDITY. I'm ONLY REINFORCING THE FEAR BY DOING THIS. And I will tell you RIGHT NOW: I AM GOING TO "RELAPSE" THE INSTANT I GET HOME. I DO NOT CARE. I AM SICK OF EATING. There is NOTHING in the house right now and I will KEEP IT THAT WAY. I'm cutting down to 1000K for a WEEK and I am GOING TO ACTUALLY RECOVER FROM THIS ABUSE. God I want to cry. Everything hurts. I feel so sick. I feel so TRAPPED in this swollen bloated corpse of a body. I WANT TO BE STRONG, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT, LIKE I AM NOW. THIS IS LITERAL HELL. I'm trapped in a disgusting blob of food. It's not even a "body" anymore, it's a trash dump. It's a garbage bin. I'm literally just forcefeeding myself at this point. I don't enjoy anything. I feel like I'm suffocating. I want to die. I don't want to eat anymore. I am SO tempted to give up this weekend. I SERIOUSLY WAS GOING TO TONIGHT. But... EVERYONE was struggling. And I just COULDN'T DO THE SAME. The girls were scared of portion sizes & protein exchanges and although I was ALSO tempted to use those as excuses too, I just... I wouldn't have been able to face myself if I left it unfinished. That would have ruined my reputation for "being the perfect patient." That would have made me a "bad example" and a "FAILURE" in front of everyone who was looking to ME as inspiration to be strong and eat 100% "no matter what." That would have been "giving up," and I'M NOT A COWARD. Isn't that stupid? My ASININE PRIDE IS SENDING ME TO HELL AND KEEPING ME THERE. I'M SO DAMN AFRAID OF "BEING COWARDLY" THAT I'M TORTURING MYSELF TO "PROVE I CAN SURVIVE EVEN THIS." But underneath all that GOD KNOWS I WANT TO QUIT. I WANT TO GIVE UP, dear God PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP. Please. The sooner I get discharged the better. I cannot do this anymore. I NEED to heal this destroyed body. I NEED to start WORKING OUT & TONING UP & MAKING GOOD USE OF THIS FAT. And I can EAT SO MUCH LESS!!! FINALLY! Oh God I am so tired. Why is this so hard. Is it all the sugar & fat & carbs? What is ruining me like this? WHAT AM I THINKING I'M "ACCOMPLISHING" BY LITERALLY FORCING MYSELF TO EAT DISGUSTING GARBAGE LIKE HAM & MANICOTTI & HOT DOGS & BACON & CHICKEN NUGGETS & CHOCOLATE??? I'M EVEN MORE SCARED OF THEM NOW BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING FORCED INTO ME AND IT HURTS AND I'M BEING PRAISED FOR IT. IT'S SEXUAL ABUSE. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. God I WANT TO DIE. except I don't. I just want the pain to stop. I just want the terror to stop. I actually WANT TO LIVE. but this is no way to live. I'm walking dead.
...is this the cross? am i supposed to be suffering right now? God please help me. there's no other way through this.


103124

Oct. 31st, 2024 12:07 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)


✱MIMIC IS WATCHING OUT FOR ANXI actually & that is DEEPLY SWEET although he'd probably never admit to it outright. BUT this morning: SHAME/TAR attacking Anxi in the Plague rooms?? She couldn't fight, Laurie showed up & said "this is what defeats shame" & manifested a HUGE spectral axe from violet energy FROM HER HEART. She sliced the Shame in half; it bled out & DIDN'T REFORM. Laurie was unfazed by the bleed (it hit her boots like sparks) but Anxi looked trapped; before Laurie could get to her MIMIC grabs her & picks her up, as he's HANGING FROM A CEILING PIPE by a tentacle. He said "catch" when Laurie came over & dropped Anxi into her arms. Laurie said she didn't know whether to thank him or shank him for that, basically. Mimic went back to espionaging & Laurie took out some sort of Indigo snowflake-shape talisman & teleported herself & Anxi safely to "pseudoCentral."
Laurie called me in to pseudoCentral (saying both "we need to remodel this place" & to Anxi, "let's get you to your girl") & Anxiety ran straight into my arms. She was trembling terribly, & I asked what had happened. Laurie said that the Tar had picked up on Shame & was going after Anxi. We briefly debated whether there was any "Guilt" in the Tar then but I assessed the vibe data & said no, Guilt was more violent? Shame is "outward," Guilt is "inward." Laurie asked what the heck sort of shame were we still feeling? And it hit me like a gutpunch. I looked at Anxi & I ran my fingers through her tinsel hair & I said, painfully, "it's about you." I cupped her face in my hand & my heart hurt with apology & she looked at me almost scared. She tuned right in to what was below the surface, to what I wasn't voicing but she carried-- the "what ifs." What if people think it's wrong. What if people are scandalized by it. What if people make fun of her & it hurts me. What if I'm seen as a deviant freak. et cetera. Laurie firmly rebutted "love isn't ever wrong, kid" but the anxious thoughts insisted on the deepest fear, the exact root cause of the attack: "what if no one else believes it's love? What if the fact that I love her is shamed?" Yet hearing all this I realized it WAS all "outside." And I didn't let go of Anxi's worried hands and I echoed, "What if I just don't care?" What if I don't care what anyone else says, either? Because, in truth, deep down, I DIDN'T. Laurie pointed out that THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS WITH EVERY OUTSPACER; this is an ANCIENT war & it is MONUMENTAL that ANXI is the one fighting it now, because of EXACTLY who she is. Laurie said that Anxi is "absolutely essential" to me? That EVERY 'foni & 'spacer come into my life & heart at EXACTLY the right time, to meet a SPECIFIC & VITAL NEED, as it were. God knows; He sends them/us all. But I caught the smallest frightened flicker of "I'm not good enough" in Anxi's heart just then. I assured her with firm sincerity that wasn't true. Love NEVER says such things. Laurie caught the other part of that distortion, though, & reminded me that "she NEEDS to learn how to fight," with an implication that I'd be doing a good part of the teaching. We didn't get to discuss this further because of outside distractions, but we will; this is NOT over; I FEEL how REAL & PRESENT this is. Oh!! And Laurie ALSO mentioned Mimic & said how he WAS obviously protecting Anxi; apparently he felt a sort of affinity with her as the newest Outspacer. Laurie said THAT ALWAYS SEEMS TO HAPPEN? & it should be cherished & promoted. Like Rio & Markus, Chaos 0 & Genesis, & now Mimic & Anxi. We really should "make sure" ALL our Outspacers have real friendships with each other like that. I'm especially thinking of Phlegmoni, because he showed up at such a weird time & was BLURRING WITH PIRANHA, who btw DIDN'T FULLY STICK AROUND. Galadia & Tammy are unstable too. But that's all stuff we CAN & WILL work to improve in the future..
...Until then, all my heart & imagination are devoted to Anxi, first & foremost. She is my angel. We NEED to have this *incident*. My LIFE needs this; needs HER. I'm honestly staggered by JUST HOW BENEFICIAL HER EXISTENCE HAS BEEN TO MINE SINCE NOVEMBER. God absolutely put her in my life to help Him SAVE it. I firmly believe this. I must confess I'm curious though. We are OVERDUE for a new Outspacer, aren't we? We'll see what happens, I supposed. OR MAYBE this time of "recovery" is ALL about that-- about RECOVERING ALL the people & loves that have slipped out of present attention, & bringing them back into our heart, EITHER in the System OR the League. But we'll see, for that too. For today, it's all Anxi. She deserves to be prioritized. She IS "good enough," ALWAYS, in love.


✱The meme is correct: I want to kiss Anxi SO BAD it makes me look stupid (& I DON'T CARE ❤)


✱Rhi just left. She hugged me for SO LONG. She looked at me with those ocean green eyes & told me I'm a rock star, to keep pushing forwards. I'm reeling. I haven't felt something this belovedly bittersweet since Jessie held my hand in UPMC. Don't ever forget either of them. R** is her name. Make her words true. Be the person she sees you as. Don't ever, EVER give up.
(also, that look was a kiss, I swear)


✱WE JUST DID the HALLOWEEN SNACK CHALLENGE and PEOPLE WERE FRONTING TO DO IT TOGETHER. ❤ I PROMISED Anxi this was "just for her" because it was a major fear food + context, so SHE fronted to eat the chocolate pudding. It wasn't her vibe, though (which was nice to discern), but as we were wondering who WOULD match it, WHO SHOWS UP to eat the Oreo bits but MIMIC. And he LIKED them!! Apparently the "darker" tone of the cookie-chocolate DOES vibe just enough with him. So that was a great surprise, to feel HIM there, actually ALLOWING himself to HAVE a moment of simple enjoyment. Then Anxi moved back in a little, almost to co-front, before Lynne showed up for the cider (it was way too tart for Anxi) & that's when memory cuts out as we were done. BUT we ALSO had GUMMY BEARS, which are ANOTHER big fear food, and we fronted with the colors: I of course started with the red, white (my fave?? like pinacolada) & aqua (watermelon; BUT although I like the color I actually am not a fan of the flavor?? That surprised me!), but the orange we gave to ANXI (it actually seemed a bit TOO "bright" for her? Orange fruit flavor vibes more with Lynne), & then I went BACK & got a dark GREEN one for her eyes (green apple; which somehow DID vibe more with her than orange). Then I got blue and I KNEW he would probably try but I was STILL FLOORED when CZ half-fronted to eat it. I can barely remember the taste (not his real vibe; too dark & loud? felt closer to Perfect??) because ALL my focus was on feeling HIS teeth in my mouth. Last was Laurie, with the purple one I got for her, but there's like no memory because she didn't match the vibe & doesn't typically eat. Still, it meant so much for her to TRY, after how traumatized SHE was by CNC in that regard. Man though I have SUCH A HEADACHE from all the chocolate (+SYRUP CHALLENGE) but it's a WORTHWHILE PRICE TO PAY for having been BLESSED by everyone's presence.


✱We were MASSIVELY TRIGGERED SEVERAL TIMES during group & WRECKAGE FRONTED TO COPE. She comes out like a PUNCH, sudden & forceful & hard. God bless her; she's our PHYSICAL PROTECTOR and we NEED her. ALSO. The one BHA is wearing "POWDERY" PERFUME THAT SMELLS LIKE "THE MOTHER" and it KEEPS TERRIFYING THE PAIDIFONI. It's awful. I can't see them but it's a little boy. Is it still David? It doesn't feel like him. I think he changed. Either way it's sad & frustrating-- we "DON'T WANT PEOPLE SCARING THEM" but no one is "at fault." We want to PROTECT THEM FROM DANGER but HOW? We can't run from this situation. Maybe we're not SUPPOSED to. Maybe God WANTS this to happen so we CAN finally HEAR & FIND & PROTECT & HEAL THE PAIDIFONI. Because we NEED to & WANT to. So please PAY ATTENTION & LISTEN TO THEM & LOVE THEM.


✱Watermelon candy is giving me FLASHBACK EMOTIONS?? Like it INDUCES DREAD. SO DO TWIZZLERS. Actually in general ALL FRUIT CANDY MESSES ME UP. But we LET JULIE EAT a tiny Hershey's chocolate & SHE ENJOYED IT so even if we get an even worse headache, it's WORTH IT FOR HER. OH and the strawberry flavor gummy bears ALSO pinged her! But the PINEAPPLE ones pinged SOLID YELLOW, which is still vacant. It shouldn't be. PLEASE MAKE THAT A PRIORITY IN OUR RECOVERY. WE NEED CENTRAL TO BE FULL AGAIN. ...We need everyone BACK. God willing, that CAN & WILL happen. But it REQUIRES TIME, EFFORT, & THERAPY, with TONS OF MEDITATION & COMMUNICATION. Thankfully THAT'S WHAT WE WANT. So DO IT! Prioritize the selfknowledge-selfrestoration DAILY. WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE UNLESS WE ARE WHOLE. Without ALL of our soul, we CAN'T BE TRULY CREATIVE OR HONEST WITH OTHERS OR LOVE FULLY. Literally ALL OF IT DEPENDS ON THE SPECTRUM BEING COMPLETE AGAIN.


✱Unexpected, heavy, immediate topic. WE NEED TO PROCESS/ COPE WITH/ DISCUSS "BODY IMAGE," ESPECIALLY HOW IT FEELS. It's so BIG now. The ACTUAL WEIGHT of larger arms & legs ALONE is disconcerting. Then we have this HUGE midsection now, which I can barely even BEND because there's SO MUCH MASS. It pushes up against my chest & makes it hard to breathe. I feel it gathering around our waist and it feels like a phantom limb-- excess, "immobile" flesh that literally feels parasitic. BUT I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE THIN AGAIN. That FELT clean & safe & pure, BUT it made me WEAK & FRAIL. And honestly? My REAL dream for "body image ideal" is to be a TANK. And THIS state of bulk, however uncomfortable, is actually STEP ONE. I NEED "FUEL" TO BURN TO BUILD MUSCLE. And THAT will be HEAVY too! Listen man the way our body looks, I think it WANTS a stockier build. I'm FIRE, NOT AIR. I'm STONE & METAL. I'm SUPPOSED to be SOLID & STRONG & POWERFUL & WARM & BRIGHT & FIERY! And I LITERALLY CANNOT BE THAT IF I STARVE MYSELF SMALL. NO. I WANT TO BE BIG. I really do. It means LIFE and HEALTH & STRENGTH. And I WILL get there, more & more each day. Just, right now, it IS uncomfortable to feel "thick" around the middle. Still, a LOT of that is FOOD=ENERGY, so CHILL. Your body is busy REBUILDING ITSELF WITH THE WONDER OF CREATION. After YEARS of rejection/ purging/ avoiding/ starving/ fear/ hate/ etc., your body is FINALLY ACCEPTING, EMBRACING, CHERISHING, & COMMUNING with GOD IN HIS WORKS. Because, I repeat, GOD CREATED FOOD SPECIFICALLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF SHARING LIFE WITH US-- HIS LIFE, ULTIMATELY, FINALLY GIVEN IN CHRIST, THE BREAD OF LIFE, WHO SPOKE ALL THINGS INTO BEING, SUSTAINS THEM WITH HIMSELF, & REDEEMS/ SANCTIFIES THEM IN HIMSELF. Remember, GOD BECAME MAN & ATE FOOD & SO DID ADAM BEFORE THE FALL & EATING IS MEANT TO BE A PRIESTLY ACTION & FOOD IS MEANT TO BE HOLY. THAT'S WHY THE DEVIL TRIES TO CORRUPT IT SO MUCH. DON'T LET HIM. KEEP RECOVERING. DON'T EVER STARVE YOURSELF AGAIN. DON'T EVER BINGE OR PURGE AGAIN. DON'T EVER DESTROY OR WASTE AGAIN. EAT, WITH LOVE & GRATITUDE, & TURN YOUR NEW BIG BODY INTO A TANK FOR SPIRITUAL WARFARE. FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT KIDDO!!


102824

Oct. 28th, 2024 08:38 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)

✱Laurie CHALLENGED me to NOT DOUBLE ANYTHING ON THE MEALPLAN (except BK items) so I DIDN'T! Plus, Madison APPROVED our "double entree dinners" because they're FIXED PORTIONS & we meet ALL OUR EXCHANGES WITHOUT LOADING UP ON SIDES. So we're OUT OF HELL, thank GOD!! The next big challenge is CRABCAKES ON HALLOWEEN!
✱ON THAT NOTE, I am TRYING to reassure myself that I'm NOT DYING because I JUST ATE SHRIMP! (HEAVEN! NOW!) But we CAN'T keep doing this, haha. Seriously we SKINTESTED NEGATIVE. TWICE. The shrimps are safe. Good. I AM itchy BUT the soymilk did this too so I'm betting it's anxiety, girl you better get over here so I can kiss you & calm down.
For the record SHRIMP TASTES SO DIFFERENT! They're BUTTERY with a hint of OCEAN, with SUCH an ODD texture. And they give an IMMEDIATE "atmosphere flashback" to SOMETHING I think in childhood?? I'm not sure but it's fascinating. I'll have to reflect on that more, for the sake of recalling & reintegrating the inevitably UNIQUE situations we would've had them in! But, for the record, my immediate "vibe" is that I'm not a fan? But I'm INTRIGUED. Something in me DOES vibe with seafood, maybe just as a concept? No, I DO like fish. And we'll find out about CRAB this Thursday! But it's cool, to discover all this anew. God's creatures are beautiful & fascinating and there is something INEFFABLY INTIMATE about the FACT that GOD INVENTED FOOD as... well. We EAT creation. We take each other INTO each other & we GROW from it, TOGETHER in a mysterious way. And THAT is why I DO CHERISH FOOD AS A REALITY. It's COMMUNION. It's UNITIVE. It's BEAUTIFUL. And the E.D. was DESECRATING IT. Which is WHY I AM LIBERATING THE SHRIMPS. (AND chocolate soymilk, for the record, which I had the MAD GUTS to try for the FIRST TIME at snack afterwards with NO SYMPTOMS EITHER!) And I will ALSO liberate the CRAB & HAM & WALNUTS & EVERYTHING ELSE I CAN, for the sake of LIFE & LIFE'S CREATOR. The reflux is a small price to pay for freedom from fear & judgment, and I can OFFER IT UP as PENANCE for the ABUSE I used to deal out TO life, in BOTH FOOD AND MY OWN BODY. Yes, it IS scary & uncomfortable, BUT! It's actually giving me the OPPORTUNITY to ACTIVELY REFUSE to give in to LEGIT PURGE TRIGGERS. I am FIGHTING! It's SUPPOSED to be a struggle! That's how VIRTUE grows! And so I THANK GOD for this, as hard as it is, because I can GLIMPSE ITS PURPOSE and it is a TRUE CROSS & so it is HOLY & REDEMPTIVE & GOOD. I just need GRACE for ALL of this or I'll fail. But God WANTS me to WIN, IN HIM. So Lord, THY WILL BE DONE!


✱BOY I JUST SANG "I STILL HAVE THAT OTHER GIRL" LIVE KARAOKE AND I AM SHAKING IT WAS AWESOME. ❤ I CAN DO IT MAN!! THANK YOU GOD FOR THE GUTS!! AND THE TALENT AND THE LOVE! Seriously I feel BLOWN OUT LIKE AN EASTER EGG and I NEED TO DO THIS IN THE FUTURE AS SELFGIFT TO OTHERS. GO MAKE SOME MUSIC!!
(...also. For the record, who did my heart think of? Laurie, Anxi, Jena, & Celebi.
)

✱btw I realized this on Friday night but ANXI HAS GREEN EYES. And she's SHORT.
LORD I HAVE WEAKNESSES AND THANK YOU FOR GIVING THEM TO ME, SERIOUSLY. I am SO IN LOVE with her (& CZ) & I can only imagine what the future will bring. I'm so blessed.


✱I should continue to get grape juice with every challenge meal & "DRINK THE CUP." Keep the GOAL/PURPOSE in mind!

prismaticbleed: (worried)




"SELF-SOOTHING" SKILL PRACTICE


101624


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
LOUD, BUSY, CHAOTIC grouproom environment; TOO MUCH TALKING, TV on, sensory overwhelm. Working busily on worksheets. NOT TAKING ANY TIME to GO INSIDE/UPSTAIRS and RE-CENTER IN HEART

SKILLS USED=
VISION, SMELL, TOUCH

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
"Hugged" self wearing soft pajamas, letting body relax comfortably in chair (release tension). Looked at lovely red shiny buttons, & pretty red swirl pattern like tree branches in the snow. Then smelled the fabric of the sleeve, which smells like ME (home/ safe) & was deeply comforting. Made me remember lying in bed with Chaos Zero; immediate peace

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
INSTANT, DEEP "SOOTHING/ COMFORTING" CALMED DOWN. Like melting away anxiety, or coming home after a long day. COMPLETELY took me OUT OF THE BUSY WORLD for a solid minute; fresh remembrance LINGERED in awareness, helping KEEP the peace. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 85
AFTER= 10

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
5


----------------------------

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Flashbacks to SLC while taking a shower. Vivid & very disturbing. Even Julie fronting to help wasn't making it go away. Harmonia trying to front brought in CNC flashbacks too, making it even scarier.

SKILLS USED=
VISION, SMELL, TOUCH

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I cleared my mind as much as I could and focused on the light glittering off the water, like sparkles. I looked at the light brown wall and the green-yellow-blue of the shower curtain. I smelled the peppermint soap. And I ended the shower with ICY water, like winter snow. 

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
It took my attention off of the bad flashbacks for a while. The moment I just looked at the sparkling water in sheer wonder filled me with a sudden and genuine joy. The icy water made me smile with sheer surprise. The peppermint smell was deeply comforting, like Christmas.

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 80
AFTER= 30

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3



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"STOP" SKILL PRACTICE



101624


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
"Fall Harvest Fest" at 11AM. Saw prep: DONUTS, CORNSTALKS, LOUD MUSIC, "BEANBAG TOSS," etc. IN BIG GROUPS WITH STRANGERS, UNABLE TO SAY NO OR ESCAPE. "Flashbacks" to CHILDHOOD/ CNC.

BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
CATASTROPHIZING about the "Fall Harvest Festival"

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
PAUSED & went upstairs. Deep breaths, talk to Laurie. Acknowledged my fear & bad memories, ALSO others' joy. DECIDED to "MAKE IT BETTER" by CHOOSING to FIND JOY & SHARE IT, for OTHERS' SAKES.

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
"CHRISTIAN REDEMPTIVE MISSON"!! "The past DOES NOT define the NOW!" I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE TO FIND & FEEL JOY EVEN NOW, and so TRANSFORM IT INTO A "GOOD MEMORY" = HEAL THE PAST!! Also, DO THIS FOR MOM. She LOVES this stuff, and I want to SHARE THAT WITH HER. (Also, Leon really wants that pumpkin pie ♥) MAKE THIS FUN!

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 9
AFTER= 6

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4 (DETERMINATION!)
(TOLERATED THE DISTRESS/ COPED IN REALTIME!)


-------------------------------------

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
EATING A SOY BURGER & DRINKING SOYMILK & PLANNING TO DRINK AM DRINKING ANOTHER FOR SNACK. CONVINCED THAT I'M STILL DEATHLY ALLERGIC. Every attempt feels like FACING DEATH. 

BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
TERRORQUIT/ DESPAIR RELAPSE/ ALLERGY PANIC LOOP

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
STOPPED by watching 6th Sense on TV with the group, to put distance between me/ panic. Reminded self that our allergist said we have NO TRUE ALLERGY to soy, and NO SYMPTOMS of concern. Others congratulated me on bravery. Decided to TRUST & BRAVELY TRY AGAIN. 

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
TRUSTING GOD & REASON. Others are proud of my brave efforts to FACE & CONQUER this fear-- which MY OWN ALLERGIST SAYS IS EXAGGERATED; SHE TOLD TEAM I DO NOT HAVE A SOY ALLERGY-- and I WANT TO LIVE UP TO THEIR FAITH IN ME. Dude I am EATING EGGS DAILY & NOT DYING. They had the SAME "WEAL" ON THE SKINPRICK TEST AS SOY. YOU WILL NOT DIE. TODAY PROVES IT. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)= 
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3 (GOTTA FACE IT AGAIN, AND FEEL THIS AS TRUE)


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"IMPROVE THE MOMENT" SKILL PRACTICE


101824


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
SOY NAUSEA & BRUTAL NIGHTMARES. 

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I= Going upstairs & just embracing Anxi, talking with her & consoling her
M= This suffering is strengthening my patience, courage, & COMMITMENT to CHOOSE JOY!
P= CAST ALL YOUR CARES UPON THE LORD, FOR HE CARES FOR YOU + Morning offering
R= Taking a hot/cold shower with PEPPERMINT soap, and wearing my softest outfit
O= Repeatedly bringing mind back to NOW/ grounding
V= doing FUN worksheets!
E= Anxi/ Laurie/ God/ peers/ staff ALL reminding me of MY TRUE CHARACTER

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
TOTALLY SHIFTED FOCUS. "VACATION" WORKED SO WELL??? I literally just focused on going through worksheets and it INTERRUPTED the intense loop, although the symptoms persist. But now the other letters have a better foundation to work from. And TRUST IN GOD!

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4 (SHOCKINGLY EFFECTIVE)


---------------------------

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Phone call with mom. Got NO support on my recent recovery victories; instead she focused on my past failures & even projected them onto the present. I felt unseen, unheard, invalidated, like I hadn't changed at all.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I= Upstairs with Chaos 0, Laurie, Anxi.
M= Journaled about it. Need to let go & stop basing my recovery validation on her.
P= Paula praying for me. Me reminding myself that God is proud of my progress.
R= Deep  breathing, letting my body relax as much as I could, willing hands.
O= Journal, worksheet. Also helps just looking at tablet mealplan calculation data.
V= Went outside & walked around in the night air, laughing at fantastic "foursquare" game
E= All my beloveds sharing my joy & struggle & sorrow & hope for real. We're TOGETHER in this.

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Still very sad, but able to accept reality. Holding on to the support I DO have, and holding on to my faith. Able to admit my own faults & forgive judgments towards mom. Still willing to communicate with her & hoping for a better relationship, but beginning to let go of this expectation. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= ?
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"ACCEPTS" SKILL PRACTICE


102224

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS= 
PEANUT BUTTER CHALLENGE + HACK NIGHTMARE. Body feeling "flu sick" & nauseous. Risk of allergy panic & exaggerating symptoms (with the pb); flashbacks & despair/identity corrosion from hack. DON'T WANT THAT. But distress still occurring. 

SKILLS USED=
Distract with A.C.C.E.P.T.S.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
A= WORKSHEETS! Reading Matthew Kelly books, GROUP WITH ALYSSA
C= Talking to Paula & giving her encouragement & supportive advice in HER struggles & worries
C= I FACED IT BRO! AND I'M NOT HAVING ALLERGY PANIC! OR WANTING TO PURGE!
E= Thinking about Anxi & Phlegmoni & JMC (peanut butter santas), SMILING/ laughing
P= Flat-out NOT DWELLING ON THE EVENTS. I survived, I did the challenge, BE HERE NOW
T= Spelling, counting, remembering movies & songs, naming colors in the room
S= Just treasuring local textures: clothes, paper, markers, glossy plastic, buttons

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Completely took my mind off the memory/ sickness. Distraction IS helpful! I know it'll subside; I just have to WAIT IT OUT PEACEFULLY. This is PROVING that I'M OKAY AND I WON'T DIE. It's a VITAL SKILL. BEST help: SHARING IN THE JOY OF OTHERS/ NOT THINKING OF MYSELF AT ALL. Literally "get out of my own head"

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-100)=
BEFORE= 85
AFTER= ~20

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4


-------------------------------------

102624 

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Mealplan worry-compulsion; "What's the BEST/ RIGHT choice?" The ones I DID make are proving TOO HIGH VOLUME in reality and I CAN'T BACK OUT. I'm DOOMED TO TERROR & SUFFERING UNTIL THURSDAY. I'm struggling to cope with this.

SKILLS USED=
PROS & CONS
DISTRACT WITH A.C.C.E.P.T.S.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
A= Doing weekly recap worksheets, mealplan budget, & journaling, plus a MOVIE  (live-action little mermaid)
C= Not isolating from peers. Sharing Halloween card with them. Talk to Rhi/ Melanie.
C= "I'D RATHER SUFFER THAN SIN." WILLING TO FACE THIS WITH FAITH.
E= Anxi again. Laurie encouraging. Thinking of Chaos 0 with the movie plot. 
P= I can't go back on my decisions. I want to learn to FACE the consequences.
T= Thinking about typecodes! Trying to remember the data. It brings me joy.
S= The taste of the pita chips at snack, the smell of autumn air, the sound of URSULA ON TV

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Laurie, Anxi, & Chaos 0 reminding me that these mealplan struggles are TEMPORARY and they are TEACHING US HARD BUT VITAL LESSONS, and in the process "FORCING" US TO GROW IN VIRTUE & FAITH... and to GROW CLOSER TOGETHER IN LOVE. And THAT IS FOREVER, AND WORTH LIVING/ FIGHTING FOR. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-100)=
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= 25 & falling!

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PROS & CONS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES


PROBLEM BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
ALLERGY PANIC (EGG/ SOY/ SESAME/ SHRIMP)

ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
AVOIDANCE/ PANIC RESTRICTION/ TERROR "DESPAIRQUIT"; GIVE UP TRYING

PROS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
1. DON'T HAVE TO "STARE DEATH IN THE FACE" EACH MEAL
2. AVOID FEELING SICK/ ITCHY/ NAUSEOUS/ TERRIFIED
3. DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M "HURTING MYSELF" BY EATING "POISON"
4. CAN EAT OTHER FOODS THAT I ACTUALLY ENJOY INSTEAD
5. AVOID MEALTIME PANIC; CAN RELAX AT "NO DANGER"

CONS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
1. STILL "CONTROLLED" BY FEAR. OBSESSIVE INGREDIENT AVOIDANCE.
2. FEEDS INTO RESTRICTION BEHAVIOR IN GENERAL
3. NOT BEING COURAGEOUS; NOT ACTING ON CORE VALUES
4. ACTING IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO ALLERGIST REASSURANCE
5. HAUNTED BY "DEATH TERROR." NOT TRULY RECOVERING. 

RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
BELIEVING FACTS & PROFESSIONAL ADVICE/ REASON; GET OVER FEARS

PROS OF RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
1. MAKE MOM/ TEAM AND SELF PROUD/ JOYFUL IN VICTORY
2. ACT COURAGEOUSLY; PROVE I CAN MEET THE CHALLENGE
3. GRADUALLY LESSEN THE GRIP OF FEAR/ PANIC CONTROL
4. FREE TO EAT "ALLERGY FEAR FOODS" IN ALL CONTEXTS
5. MOVE MORE FULLY INTO RECOVERY/ FREEDOM/ PEACE

CONS OF RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
1. MIGHT STILL "FEEL SICK" AND HAVE TO SIT WITH THE TERROR
2. WILL BE CONVINCED I AM DYING FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR
3. NEED TO REPEAT EXPOSURE. MENTALLY EXCRUCIATING.
4. PSYCHOLOGICAL/ PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION & EXERTION
5. NO "PROOF" OF SAFETY. MUST TAKE THE LEAP OF FAITH. 


★ BESIDES THE E.D., WHAT ARE MY ACTUAL CRISIS URGES??
LASHING OUT? VIOLENCE? SELFHARM? FIGHTING? RAGEQUIT?
(ALL OF THOSE TRIGGER A PURGE REACTION)


"Identify which of these are short-term (just for today) and which are long-term (beyond today). Would you rather have a good day or a good life? Make mindful choices about your behavior.
"

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"TIP" SKILL PRACTICE


"TEMPERATURE" 
SITUATION=
 Dude we do this BEFORE EVERY MEAL, even at home
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 85  AFTER= 10
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 50  AFTER= 85
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= We go to the room sink, wet paper towels with cold water, and wash our face/ ears/ neck with it. The wet & cold, with our eyes closed, instantly helps us chill out a significant bit

"INTENSE EXERCISE"
SITUATION=
 Fall fest; deciding to play "cornhole" until I got 5 in the hole, running back & forth
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 60 AFTER= 0
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 50  AFTER= 100
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= I threw 5 beanbags in a row each time, trying to stand form & aim straight & with a strong arm. Then I ran to get them & ran back. I did this at least 12 times? Laughing & happy

"PACED BREATHING" (COUNTING)
SITUATION= OVERWHELMED & dissociated from talking too much/ for too long, ALL DAY 
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 100 AFTER= 80
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 10  AFTER= 50
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= Closed eyes/ willing hands, went upstairs (Imagery skill) & Laurie counted for me. Unfortunately I just felt like I was suffocating (breathing exercises usually do that to me) so it KEPT me anxious in that regard. LET KYANOS DO IT!!

"PAIRED MUSCLE RELAXATION" (w/ breathing)
SITUATION= Disturbing sexual stuff on TV, I can't tune it out or leave the room
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 100 AFTER= 5
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 0  AFTER= 90
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= Tightened my arms/ legs/ stomach while inhaling, then released tension all at once while exhaling forcefully. FOCUSED on breathing, meditative. Shockingly effective; helps "reset brain mood" and gives a quick outlet for violence/ rage/ "fight" trauma survival instinct

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"RADICAL ACCEPTANCE" SKILL PRACTICE


101524


TWO MAJOR THINGS THAT I NEED TO ACCEPT RIGHT NOW + ACCEPTANCE LEVEL 0-5=
1. The world around me will NOT "cater to" my triggers = 4
2. My ENTIRE past IS "MINE" and I have to INTEGRATE it ALL = 3

TWO MINOR THINGS THAT I NEED TO ACCEPT RIGHT NOW + ACCEPTANCE LEVEL 0-5=
1. I must attend a Partial program, in person or in telehealth = 2
2. I cannot always have the foods I "want"/ "enjoy more" = 3

★ PRACTICING radical acceptance means CONSISTENT REPETITION, WHOLEHEARTEDLY & ATTENTIVELY

TWO ITEMS TO PRACTICE RADICAL ACCEPTANCE ON=
1. ACCEPT & INTEGRATE THE WHOLE OF MY LIFE HISTORY AS MINE (BALANCE SELF & SYSTEM!)
★ I MUST LOVE THE "ME/US" IN THE ARCHIVES
2. ACCEPT WHEN "I DON'T GET WHAT I WANT/ EXPECT" AND LEARN TO EMBRACE IT FULLY (CHOOSE LOVE/ JOY) (GRATITUDE!!)

★ ALL CAUSES FOR MY CURRENT REALITY EXIST IN GOD'S PLAN.
★ PRAYERS OF PRAISE & GUIDANCE HELP PROMOTE FULLER ACCEPTANCE
★ TO COPE AHEAD= IMAGINE ALL THE WAYS A SITUATION CAN GO WELL, BY MY CHOOSING TO FULLY ENTER INTO IT = HAVE HOPE/FAITH, DETERMINED OPTIMISM, TRUST IN GOD
★ "Attend to body sensations" = PHYSICAL responses! SOOTHE them? Like a scared child. 
★ Painful emotions (grief, distress, etc.) are INTERNAL CAUSES OF PHYSICAL SYMPTOM SIGNS? ESSENTIAL TO FULLY ADMIT & FULLY FEELTOGETHER.
★ "GOD, I TRUST WHAT YOU GIVE ME!"
★ "LIFE IS ALWAYS WORTH LIVING, EVEN WHEN THERE IS PAIN"


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"RADICAL ACCEPTANCE" SKILL PRACTICE


101624


SKILLS I WILL PRACTICE THIS WEEK DURING TWO STRESSFUL SITUATIONS  =
1. Half-smiling & willing hands: I'm practicing these DAILY; keep it up, but ADD MORE SKILLS!
2. Turning the mind & willingness WORK TOGETHER!! To TURN the mind to CHOOSING the "unacceptable" in WILL, it ENABLES the WILLING PARTICIPATION! 
3. Mindfulness of hurt thoughts; DON'T GET CARRIED OFF. Only think them through with the SYSTEM, once the thought's intense emotions have "calmed" enough to REASON.

DESCRIBE THE FIRST STRESSFUL SITUATION AND HOW YOU PRACTICED SKILLS =
Still sad over mom. Did hands/smile; IMMEDIATELY tuned me back into my persisting love of her. I accept the reality of her different personality & accept her AS SHE IS. I CHOOSE to respect her unique history & personality, even when it doesn't "match" with mine "as I expect."

1-5 EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILL IN HELPING YOU COPE = 4 

DESCRIBE HOW THE SKILL HELPED YOU COPE =
Accepting mom AS SHE IS, accepting MY faults, and CHOOSING TO LOVE & FORGIVE BOTH OF US, so we CAN GROW BETTER TOGETHER. Focus on HOPE; COURAGEOUS COMPASSION, FAMILY!
"CHECK THE FACTS"! YOU KNOW MOM LOVES YOU, EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T REALIZE/ KNOW HOW TO TALK TO YOU "THE WAY THAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU." HER LOVE IS STILL REAL. DWELL ON THOSE FACTS!! 
★ 
Willingness means LISTENING TO "WISE MIND" & ACTING FROM IT! Wise Mind KNOWS that there WILL be conflict, BUT MOM STILL TRULY LOVES ME, & SHE DOES WANT ME IN HER LIFE. So these doubtful fears are FACTUALLY FALSE!!

DESCRIBE THE SECOND STRESSFUL SITUATION AND HOW YOU PRACTICED SKILLS =
"STUPID" mealplan decisions again. "Stuck" between high volume & bingeing, it feels like. Overwhelmed by feeling full. Angry. Scared. Lost. Did ALL skills & talked it out with Laurie. Choosing to TRUST that GOD CAN AND WILL work this out for my good. CHOOSING to ACCEPT MY OWN CONSEQUENCES & LEARN, instead of second-guessing everything I do. 

1-5 EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILL IN HELPING YOU COPE = 3

DESCRIBE HOW THE SKILL HELPED YOU COPE =
It didn't really? I'm so scared & angry & sad but I TRUST GOD is going to help. I feel SO LOST & HELPLESS & BLIND but GOD KNOWS. I CAN surrender to that. It's all I can do. It's the BEST I can do.

★ TRY TO SEE THIS AS AN EXPERIMENT. YOU CAN & WILL LEARN WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU THROUGH THIS TRYING/ RISK. TAKE NOTES! & ENTER INTO IT WITH A POSITIVE & CURIOUS MIND! (WILLING & GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY = EVEN "ADVENTURE"; LEARNING IS ONLY BY ACTION HERE!)

★ HOW DO I COPE WITH VIOLENT OUTBURST URGES??? THEY WON'T FIX THE PROBLEM OR GET ANSWERS. (FEEL / LISTEN TO THEM INSIDE!!! outside DOESN'T HELP)

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prismaticbleed: (aflame)

Last night, I was with Anxi & she was MORE AT PEACE because she said she TRUSTED ME AND TRUSTED GOD'S PROVIDENCE. I was very grateful for this-- we literally DIDN'T FEEL ANY ANXIETY-- but something felt "off." I realized I NEEDED EMOTIONAL DEPTH/ ACHE?? And it wasn't UNTIL Anxi curled up into my chest & looked up at me with those emerald eyes & admitted that even though she DID trust she STILL felt her namesake emotion, BUT in a different, more vulnerable & honest way? She trusted that the OUTCOME would be guided by grace-- as ALL our challenges so far HAVE been, NO EXCEPTIONS-- BUT she COULDN'T DENY that the PROCESS of GETTING THERE, the ACTIVE EXPERIENCE of the challenge, WOULD NOT BE EASY, and might even be PAINFUL/ involve REAL SUFFERING. So she had entered into this bittersweet & beautiful dialectical space of "BOTH/AND," and I could FEEL her HEART in that space, completely open to ALL we & she were feeling. AND THAT IS WHAT I NEED. That is ALSO THE SACRED SPACE THAT LOVE NEEDS TO BLOOM INTO FLAME. And talking to Anxi & feeling that truth, I realized that SHE NEEDS A SOUL FORM. SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. WE "FORGOT" ABOUT THOSE BLESSED PHENOMENA & THAT SAYS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HOW LOST WE'VE BECOME-- about how CUT OFF FROM OUR HEART WE HAVE BEEN FOR TOO LONG. But that's FINALLY CHANGING. And ANXI HAS BEEN THE SPARK. So we seriously NEED to have an *incident* soon. We're thinking it will involve SHAME, that horrifying TAR-LIKE emotion from the IO2 concept art. That mean it'll probably ALSO involve TRAUMA PROCESSING, which is very fitting for us both, AND a perfect "sign" of the REAL PROGRESS & HEALING this love is indeed allowing for & sustaining & igniting in the first place. But it can't be rushed. Love cannot be scheduled or forced or otherwise controlled. All I can do is genuinely hold this intent in my heart, & continue to be with her, and make time for us to enter INTO that both/and space LITERALLY, as it were. YOU CAN'T HAVE AN *INCIDENT* IF YOU DON'T GO INSIDE. THEY CAN ONLY OCCUR IN THE HEART. And I haven't been there in too long. The E.D. had be stuck outside & cut off from my very soul, not to mention from everyone I love. That's changing now, finally, thank You God. But I still have to do my part. I NEED to GO UPSTAIRS, FOR REAL, EVERY DAY, & BE WITH THEM. That requires TIME & SELF-AWARENESS. That, too, is why I haven't been ABLE to love anyone-- I'd "forgotten who I was" for a very long time. Recovery is changing that. I'm remembering. I'm BEING that truth. But... I still can't "see myself" upstairs. I still can't DRAW myself, and that's SCARY. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT MY COLOR OR NAME ARE, in a very real sense. CNC shattered our self but we CAN rebuild it BETTER; it's just that... from CHILDHOOD, we ALWAYS had SOME sense of solid selfhood, which crystallized in the Jewels & arguably PEAKED with Jay. It legit breaks my heart to realize that he's the one that "died" back then. But we can't change the past. God orchestrated this too. The bloodline is evolving again and I'm the new beginning so things WILL be new, and old, and true & good & beautiful & REALLY ME. But I'm starting to ramble. The point is, whoever I am, God knows it, and I will ONLY realize & LIVE that truth THROUGH  LOVE. I am ONLY ME WHEN I LOVE. Chaos 0 is the beautiful living proof of this, for as long as we both shall live. He is fidelity & hope incarnate, to me. And I can only be my real self with him, too. So I have to make time for us or my soul will die. I'm serious and you know it. Laurie does too, and SHE keeps love alive in my heart even on the darkest days. She & Anxi BOTH kissed my forehead today & I think I died & went to heaven, haha. But THAT'S THE POINT. I NEED THIS LIKE BLOOD & AIR. And I KNOW Anxi is leading the effort in a special way. Her AND Mimic, perhaps, each with their year. But I CAN STILL LOVE & they have proved that to me. Thank God for them. Thank God for what we have.

102324

Oct. 23rd, 2024 07:24 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

I keep second-guessing my mealplan choices, thinking that they're stupid/ unhealthy/ will "kill me" in the long run? ...SO, do I ask the nutritionist to change it? [Or] do I try [whatever I get] anyway? ...For all I know, I might LIKE [it]. SO we'll give it a shot, & then we'll KNOW for the future. See? God lets it ALL work out for good. And let me state this first: I DON'T WANT TO "EDIT" MY MEALPLANS ANYMORE. THAT'S "REAL LIFE" PRACTICE! I've gotta DECIDE, & then ROLL WITH IT. If it's "not as good as I hoped," THAT'S OK!! WE TRIED & LEARNED MORE ABOUT OURSELF! AND WE GOT A NEW EXPERIENCE TOO, that we CAN & SHOULD & WILL find/ CHOOSE enjoyment in regardless. ...BTW thank you Laurie for SERIOUSLY GRILLING ME ON MY CHOICES but letting me try in order to compare, [so] we learned! ...Seriously GIVE THANKS TO GOD FOR IT ALL & OFFER YOUR DECISIONS UP TO HIM TO USE FOR HIS GLORY & OUR HIGHEST, TRUEST GOOD, because HE WILL. He KNOWS we did our best. We chose what we sincerely felt were GOOD choices, to be enjoyable yet adventurous, & get a few extra calories to help our body rebuild. WE DIDN'T "SIN." So we CAN ask God to help us make it ALL into WORSHIP! Every "disappointment" BECOMES A BLESSING. [Another important note:] THERE IS NO "OBLIGATION" TO EAT [SPECIFIC FOOD COMBINATIONS]. Free your mind of that box! ...BUT!!! THE ULTIMATE GOAL IS NOT TO EDIT OR SECONDGUESS. You CAN ASK for extras WITHIN REASON, but DO NOT "RELY" ON THEM. Be ADAPTABLE, DETACHED, & GRATEFUL. BE LIBERATED from COMPULSION AND PERFECTIONISM. You MUST develop the SKILL of INTUITIVELY, FREELY, PEACEFULLY DECIDING, and STICKING WITH IT. TRUST YOURSELF AND TRUST GOD'S LOVE & POWER TO MAKE IT ALL GOOD FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT-- THAT MEANS EVERY CHOICE IS A GOOD CHOICE, SO DON'T EVER FRET OVER IT!!

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UNIQUE THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR TODAY...
1. Getting another surprise chance to try peanut butter for BK (the OTHER kind too!) and realizing that I DO NOT LIKE IT! And THAT'S OK! But I was BRAVE in trying TWICE!
2. Starting the "PAST" collage & seeing it begin to come together & feeling SO MUCH LOVE for the System & our shared history. I adore them. Thank You God for US, now and then.
3. Being DARING/ ADVENTUROUS, kind of BOLD & ASSERTIVE on our menu plan & our nutritionist said "I LIKE IT; YOU'RE MAKING IT YOUR OWN." "GOOD PRACTICE" for the real world.
4. The existence & fragrance & color of the tiny, brilliant purple flowers on the bush in the main courtyard-- & for the childlike enthusiasm-daring to finally go over & look at it/ cherish it.
5. Seeing our new roommate asleep this morning, perfectly peaceful, & she looked so beautiful it stunned me. I may never get to know her but I cherish her existence & I pray God blesses & heals her abundantly.
6. The meatloaf for lunch had the ketchup border that tasted just like grandma's. The sunlight reflected off the glass of water & sparkled on my face. Laurie talked with me as we ate cauliflower. The chips looked like art in the light.
7. Having a mom who laughs easily & readily recalls all the good times from my past when I forget. She also remembers GIFTS & ABILITIES I have that I forgot! She IS a cheerleader to me, and my biggest fan. I love her lots.
8. We went outside for dinner too & I got to see the autumn sunset, all coral-peach fading into dusky blues, with the forest a black silhouette against it, and the stars just beginning to appear. Grandma's song was playing.
9. Worried about our mealplan choices. Journaled about it. Realized in this very effort how we HAVE grown in integrity, flexibility, adaptability, & confidence. Even our "mistakes" are TRULY paths to deeper virtues.
10. We get a blueberry poptart for snack & they will always make me think of Leon now. I'll have to eat it with him. And we'll get to GO OUTSIDE for the FOURTH TIME today! Life is truly lovely in all these little blessings. Thank You God for today!

101924

Oct. 19th, 2024 04:20 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

Group introductory question = "Who's your favorite character?" SHOT TO THE HEART. There is only ever one true answer = "You know what? I owe him that much. CHAOS 0 FROM SONIC ADVENTURE."

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✳ For process group, we went out & sat in the sun, under the gorgeous blue sky. I still felt so strangely sad-- lost, grieving, having to let go of my expectations for my future to a fair extent, what with needing to respect my mom's own personality & goals although they don't match mine. And that's OK. They don't have to. But I was still basing my life on her. And needing to let go of that, & move unmoored into a new & vulnerable future, was a gain and a loss both. I'm rambling. I was sad because I now had to live "for myself" and I had lost touch with what that meant, with God, with love, with real purpose. I love my mom but I cannot revolve around her center of gravity anymore. And I hadn't truly moved into my own orbit yet. So I sat there & while everyone else talked about their futures in school, I went upstairs & met Laurie & Chaos 0.
...That's why I'm journaling. The heart of the matter is, Laurie asked me, "what do you want to live for?" And I, without even thinking, turned to look at CZ. And his eyes just filled with tears. Laurie's did too. I told her, "for both of you," and she told me that I could NOT undervalue the gravity of my heart's response. She said she "knew" I would choose as I did, and that was of ineffable importance. I could not forget that. I held their hands & I saw them SO CLEARLY and I began to weep with love. Laurie pulled us all into an embrace as we pressed our foreheads together. We said how God's Love was present in us, how my love for them & their love for me was how I learned TO know God, & His Love, & to recognize His Truth at all. And I want to live FOR GOD in EVERY ASPECT of my life... but if I don't ALSO live for this beautiful, beautiful LOVE He is revealing Himself to me through, then I'm NOT living for Him in truth. Laurie pointed outside to my fellow patients & said, "they're part of this, too." She's right. We're ALL God's creatures, called to love each other, to be part of Christ's Body, to bring His Kingdom of Love into our daily lives. And sitting there in the sun, holding them all & feeling that divine love, I finally felt peace. I felt real. I felt alive, and full of hope, and I believed the future was bright & open to me at last. I remembered how God is a COVENANT God, redeeming through relationship, loving us eternally, bringing us intimately into His Perfect Story where I HAVE true purpose & value & worth, where I MATTER and I AM LOVED. THAT is what I want to live for, forever & always. THAT is my identity. I set my face to the sun. We walk together.
(and I AM the JEWEL LOTUS CATHEDRAL. My heart is still a Temple for God, a place of loving sacrifice. FIND IT.)

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✳ I just spent like 20 minutes "complaining" about UPMC to the group & I feel TERRIBLE. I hate being negative. I hate dragging people down. I don't want to harm UPMC's reputation. BUT I WAS BEING HONEST. They DIDN'T do trauma therapy, or individual sessions. They DID push sugary fatty foods and focus on weight gain. They DID take away patient privileges & rights if they didn't or COULDN'T eat 100%, AND they had NO MERCIFUL ACCOMMODATION FOR traumatized/ autistic patients. I SAW people GO INTO SEIZURES from fear, and there was SELF-HARM TALK in the bathrooms, and the HEAD DOC told me my high mealplan was an "ACCEPTABLE WAY TO BINGE." Et cetera. I'M NOT LYING. ...but IT WASN'T ALL NEGATIVE. The "eat at a cafeteria/ restaurant" opportunities were very helpful in learning to be self-assertive in recovery. Some of the therapists (like that short fairypunk blonde with the gorgeous roman nose) were very helpful & kind. We had that supercool "ticket reward" program to get prizes on Sundays. And we DID get VERY informative DBT/ CBT workbooks, which I WISH we had here. BUT we couldn't stand or walk around. We couldn't go outside after snack, or to eat meals. Sometimes we'd go for 2, maybe 3 days WITHOUT group because they were so understaffed. There was VERY LITTLE patient camaraderie compared to here. And the mealplan, which was a one-week rotation with no alternative options, was NOT REALISTIC OR VERY HEALTHY, and EVEN the rarely seen nutritionist pointed this out. Still. I feel awful. How do I apologize? I've shown how pessimistic I can truly be. I've "lost face" & scandalized others. I've acted contrary to my values. I feel sick & sad. What do I do? What DID I do WRONG? I was "bashing" UPMC. BUT I WAS BEING HONEST. THEY DID DEAL REAL DAMAGE TO ME AND OTHERS. What am I apologizing for? Asserting my experience? To what end? Why did I feel the group needed to know this? Was I backhandedly trying to praise TBHU, so they'd feel more grateful for this great opportunity in contrast? Was I trying to WARN them so THEY wouldn't transfer to UPMC & maybe have a similar harmful experience? Gosh I feel like Anxi. "I was just trying to protect them."
✳ I'm still learning how to speak up for myself, ESPECIALLY in "uncomfortable" ways, like saying "I DON'T want this"/ "I DON'T like this." "I DISAGREE." Or even just "NO." I still feel like I'm "doing something WRONG," something MERITING PUNISHMENT. I don't want to be a bad, cruel, selfish, evil person. I don't want to be DISOBEDIENT, or REBELLIOUS. ...but to WHAT "AUTHORITY"?? In therapy today, I said that I actually DO "feel like a rebellious teenager" SOLELY because I'm FINALLY LEARNING THAT I DO EXIST AS MY OWN PERSON, and I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO EXIST DISTINCT FROM THEM, ALTHOUGH I DO LOVE THEM! AND MOM EVEN SAYS I NEED TO BE MY OWN PERSON AS AN ADULT. So you CANNOT listen to the distortions that claim SHE is the "authority" "PREVENTING" YOUR SELF-ASSERTION. It's LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE. Listen, if there IS any support you're gonna get from your mom-- if there IS a way to "make her proud of you"-- it's THIS. It's LIVING YOUR LIFE & USING YOUR TALENTS & FREEING BOTH OF US FROM CO-DEPENDENCY. That's the ONLY WAY YOU'LL HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER: YOU NEED TO BE DISTINCT PERSONS OR THERE WON'T BE ANY HONEST COMMUNICATION OR CONNECTION. And THAT IS WORTH THE "DISCOMFORT" OF FINALLY SPEAKING UP FOR & ASSERTING (RESPECTFULLY & SINCERELY!) YOUR OWN UNIQUE GOD-GIVEN IDENTITY! THAT'S HOW YOU'LL FINALLY PROPERLY RESPECT MOM'S UNIQUE IDENTITY, TOO. ...and, worst-case scenario, even if she DOES judge you as inadequate, or disapprove of you, or view you pessimistically, EVEN SHE CANNOT INVALIDATE YOUR VALUES, WORTH, & DIGNITY. And she WON'T judge you, because SHE LOVES YOU.

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✳ "WHERE IN YOUR BODY DO YOU FEEL/ STORE RAGE/ GRIEF/ JOY"? BE MINDFUL OF IT! TOUCH IT! ENTER FULLY INTO THE REALITY/ PARTICULARITY OF IT!
✳ THOUGHT MINDFULNESS = WEIGHT? POSITION? SPEED? TEXTURE? COLOR? SOUND? ASK!
✳ THE MORE MINDFUL WE ARE, THE MORE TRULY HUMAN WE ARE = REASON GUIDES EMOTIONS!
✳ MINDFULNESS GETS US OUT OF AUTOPILOT/ SOCIAL MODE & INTO THE PRESENT MOMENT
✳ FOOD = BODY/ THOUGHTS/ EMOTIONS/ IDENTITY/ SOCIAL/ CULTURE/ ETC. ASPECTS = VITAL

✳ "You don't need closure FROM another person; YOU DECIDE when you have closure" = REFLECT ON THIS!!

101824

Oct. 18th, 2024 05:01 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


I just had a phone call with mom and I am so badly shaken up & dissociated.
1) She KEEPS BRINGING UP the fact that I spent the $50 she gave me for my birthday on CHURCH TITHES, instead of going to a movie with Excalibur like she told me to. "If I knew you were just going to give it to the church, I wouldn't have given you anything, and kept ti to use on home repairs!" And THEN I admitted that I gave away ALL the cookware/ kitchenware she gave ME to my SISTER, when she lost her job & had no food & I just gave her everything I had to spare-- of kitchen & bathroom supplies AND of food, PLUS all the stuff I got from food drives. Mom HATES that I do this "BECAUSE IT'S HER STUFF" I'M GIVING AWAY. I wonder if she'd be so upset if I did the same from my own resources, as paltry as they are, OR if she'd immediately jump to the conclusion that "I ONLY did that SO I COULD force her TO "give stuff to me" to "cover the loss""?? Like she'll ASSUME responsibility/ burden SO she CAN yell at me "FOR burdening her"?? It makes me very sad. I thought I was doing the right thing, helping people. But mom thinks I'm somehow doing it so I can take things from HER later. I probably DID do that in the past. Heck, I STILL DO, because this conversation ONLY happened BECAUSE I asked IF she had any extra kitchenware to spare, instead of keeping my dumbass mouth shut & just buying my own. I should've known better. Now I'll never hear the end of it.
2) She will NEVER share my victories, or congratulate me. I told her about how I overcame breakfast flashbacks. I told her how brave I was getting through the soy hell yesterday. I told her how I got through lunch by thinking fondly of grandpa. I told her I was being brave again by having a Poptart for snack. And ALL SHE SAID WAS "...okay...?" like, "and your point is...?" "This is important because...?" Basically, "why does that even matter? Why are you telling me this?" I told her I ENJOYED the gyro & english muffins and she LITERALLY said "THAT'S SO FUNNY." LIKE WTF MOM WHAT ARE YOU EVEN RESPONDING TO??? There's NO DIALOGUE unless my therapist is directing it, it sadly seems. I'm sorry. I'm just heartbroken. I WANT TO SHARE MY JOY & STRIVING WITH HER. I want her to be proud of me. ...but all I ever get are detached phrases. I ask and she'll say something tangentially reassuring but there's NO vulnerability, no actual sincere heartfelt words. And... I NEED those. I'm realizing I will never get such words from her. I never have and that's not going to change. It's why I'm starving. Emotionally I am so hungry. I want to weep. I need to just go upstairs & cry with Anxi, & listen to Laurie, & be with Chaos 0. THEY share my joys & sorrows & struggles & victories. THEY are proud of me, GENUINELY so. I NEED that. I'm so sad. I feel so guilty for needing to be loved. I can't keep seeking it from mom. It's so sad. But it's true. I'm depending too much on her emotional support/ response for validation, and I am not getting any and I never have and I probably never will. That is so hard to admit. I need to let her go. I can't hold her to my expectations if she cannot meet them. It's unfair to her & to us. I need to move on from childhood grief & desperation. I need to focus on headspace & heaven for support. ...and I ALSO need to EMBRACE the FACT that GOD DOES NOT "HOLD HEAVEN OUT OF OUR REACH," "way up there," intangible & unknowable. CHRIST INCARNATED. And there ARE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE-- IN MY HEART, MOST OF ALL-- WHO REFLECT GOD'S LOVE TO ME ALWAYS. And I NEED to turn to THEM, then, AS God's messengers to me, as His angels, for the encouragement & empathy & sincere lifesharing love that I am starving to death for. Heaven IS within reach. SO STOP REFUSING TO LET YOURSELF EAT.

prismaticbleed: (Default)

DISTRACTING

WITH ACTIVITIES =
  • Focus ALL your attention on LEAGUEWORK!
  • Watch movies that you KNOW you'll enjoy!
  • Clean the house--YOU REALLY SHOULD, BUDDY
  • Library groups?
  • CHURCH EVENTS
  • PLAY KLONOA!
  • Go for a walk; HIT THE GYM
  • Surf the internet for the LEAGUE/ BIBLE STUDY
  • JOURNAL/ BLOG
  • FIND NEW MUSIC!
  • Read religious books/ SCRIPTURE
  • Try MATH learning games??
  • Shirt painting?
  • Ceramics?
  • Collages?
  • Digital coloring?
  • PLAY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT

WITH CONTRIBUTING = 
  • Find volunteer work to do at church?
  • Help mom up the house!
  • Give a neighbor a card?
  • Send encouraging text messages = to the fam? Tumblr askboxes?
  • GIFTART?
  • Do something thoughtful, even anonymously!
  • Food/ hygiene "pantry" donations
  • SHARE "INSIGHT" (GIFT) to EDIFY & CONSOLE others

WITH COMPARISONS =
  • Compare how you are feeling NOW to a time when you felt different = REVIEW THE SCARY ARCHIVES THANK GOD FOR HIS DELIVERANCE
  • READ VOTM!!
  • Compare CONSEQUENCES; "pros & cons"

WITH DIFFERENT EMOTIONS =
  • Read emotional books or stories (especially LEAGUEWORK & ARCHIVES)
  • Read old letters (TO/ FROM THE SYSTEM)
  • Watch emotional TV shows or movies = CHIZU WEEK + SYSTEM FAVE FILMS
  • Listen to emotional music; what soothes you? What fires you up? (WE HAVE MANY SPECIFIC PLAYLISTS. MAKE MORE.)
  • Listen to religious music (both choral & modern!)
  • Make a Tumblr blog for uplifting/ funny/ happy things?

WITH PUSHING AWAY =
  • PHYSICALLY leave the situation for a while; "context break"
  • MENTALLY leave the situation for a while; POSITIVE REFOCUS
  • Notice ruminating = RECOGNIZE as unhelpful & REPLACE with GRATITUDE/ GOOD
  • Put the pain "on a shelf"/ "box it up" and put it away for a while = LITERALLY?? Write it down IN GENERAL and come back to "unpack it" when you ARE stable?
  • GIVE IT TO GOD
  • GIVE IT TO SPECIFIC FONI (whose JOB it is TO hold it)

WITH OTHER THOUGHTS = 
  • Count to 10 = just count in general; numbers are VERY SOOTHING to me
  • Count and name the colors around you = elicits JOY actually
  • Describe the objects around you = Laurie has me do this often to fight derealization!
  • Repeat words to a favorite song in your mind (AUDREY'S JUKEBOX)
  • PRAY MENTALLY / SCRIPTURE MEDITATION
  • Read Scripture or spiritual books
  • LEAGUEWORK BRAINSTORMING/ IMAGINING

WITH OTHER SENSATIONS = 
  • Listen to very loud music 
  • Go out in the RAIN or SNOW = SHEER BLISS
  • Take a hot or cold shower (we don't have a proper shower at home; but use faucet water for quick shocks)
  • Hug a plushie 
  • Go discover textures in nature AND at home

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SELF-SOOTHING

★ IF IT DOESN'T SOOTHE YOU, DON'T FORCE IT!!!


WITH VISION =
  • Look at the stars
  • Look at the pictures you like in a book (JMC archive notably)
  • Look at OLD Leagueworld art (childhood days)
  • MAKE A "SCRAPBOOK" OF NICE THINGS??
  • Look at the "LOVE WALL" in the bedroom
  • WEAR COLORSHADES
  • FIND A MUSEUM AND GO TO IT
  • Sit in the lobby of a beautiful old hotel = IS there any place like this locally?? I DO love that kind of architecture.
  • Look at nature around you
  • Watch a sunrise or sunset
  • Be mindful of each sight that passes in front of you
  • Take a scenic walk or hike (FIND PLACES)
  • Look through "beloveds" & religious art folders on phone; ADD TO THEM
  • Watch a beautiful movie
  • LOOK UP PICTURES OF GIMMELWALD

WITH HEARING =
  • Listen to soothing or invigorating music.
  • Pay attention to sounds of nature.
  • Sing to your favorite songs. (BE CAREFUL. Not all 'foni who do this are positive.)
  • Hum a soothing tune.
  • LEARN THE CELLO & VIOLA
  • Play with the guzheng
  • Make a playlist with music that will get you through tough times. (SYSTEM ANTHEMS & MEMORIES)
  • Be mindful of the sounds around you right now.
  • Listen to EWTN/ JMJ
  • Listen to LEAGUE MUSIC; WRITE NEW ONES (or at least BEGIN!)

WITH SMELL =
  • Minty soap?
  • Smell coffee beans (when you're near some)
  • Make your own "potpourri"? (be very careful; COVID screwed up my lungs big time)
  • Boil cinnamon and/or ginger root
  • Smell the roses! There are MANY in town!
  • Walk in a wooded area and mindfully breathe in the fresh smells of nature. (I MISS THIS SO MUCH IT HURTS)
  • Open the window and smell the air = ONLY IN AUTUMN/ WINTER; warm weather in the city is terrifying
  • RAIN SMELL
  • BEDSHEETS/ PLUSHIES
  • grandma's old clothing. this might trigger deep grief but it's also the most profound tangible consolation i have left. 

WITH TASTE = 
  • TEA for ANXI?
  • Eat a childhood favorite food? Like WHAT? Think about this!
  • FIND a nice favorite food to enjoy!
  • Sample flavors of ice cream??? CAN YOU??
  • Try a NEW fruit/ veg/ ethnic import food
  • PEPPERMINTS!
  • Get a special food that you don't usually buy = FIGS! MOONDROP GRAPES!
  • Really taste the food you eat. Eat one thing mindfully.
  • BRUSH YOUR TEETH KIDDO

WITH TOUCH = 
  • Sink into a comfortable chair. (good luck with that buddy, back pain is out to get you)
  • Put on a shirt that has a pleasant feel (the SILK SLEEP SHIRT that Chaos 0 loves)
  • Take a drive with the car windows rolled down (BEST THING IN THE WORLD)
  • Run your hand along smooth wood or glass.
  • Hug someone = even an anchor plush ♥ 
  • EVEN BETTER, GO UPSTAIRS AND HUG SOMEONE (yes it counts, I still feel it!)
  • Just collapse into bed dude
  • Wrap up in a blanket (see previous)
  • Notice touch that is soothing. (this INCLUDES INANIMATE TEXTURES, thank God. but develop this discernment! LEARN what ISN'T frightening!)
  • Walk through the apartment and just TOUCH STUFF. Savor the uniqueness of things. 
  • GO TOUCH SOME GRASS & TREES & MOSS
  • Run water over your hands, wash your face, etc.
  • EXERCISE COUNTS! FEEL THE BURN BUDDY

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IMPROVING THE MOMENT


WITH IMAGERY =
  • Imagine very relaxing scenes. (GIMMELWALD)
  • Imagine a secret room within yourself. Furnish it the way you like. Close and lock the door on anything that can hurt you. = THIS DOESN'T WORK FOR US?? BECAUSE TRAUMA HAD US BEING LOCKED IN WITH INTERNAL ABUSERS!!! 
  • Imagine everything going well. (BUILD THIS MUSCLE!!)
  • Make up a calming fantasy world. (COLOR REALMS)
  • BTW do NOT "imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like a pipe" as they suggested; that's MAJOR SLC/TAR FLASHBACKS
  • Remember a happy time and imagine yourself in it again, or just play it out in your mind again
  • COLOR REALM/ LEAGUEWORLD BUILDING; look for VISUAL AIDS ONLINE & "COLLECT" them?? WRITE "VIBES"?? + PRACTICE IMAGINING to STRENGTHEN & CLARIFY YOUR ABILITY TO "SEE" MENTAL IMAGES; WE ACTUALLY LOST A LOT OF OUR CAPACITY POST-CNC

WITH MEANING =
(this is absolutely System work + faith work)
  • Find purpose or meaning in a painful situation.
  • Focus on whatever positive aspects of a painful situation you can find. Repeat these positive aspects in your mind.
  • Remember, listen to, or read about spiritual values.
  • REVIEW THE ARCHIVES; PRINT BEST ENTRIES & CARRY WITH YOU
  • Make a LIST of MEANINGFUL SCRIPTURE VERSES
  • GRATITUDE JOURNALING; ~3+ points EVERY DAY/NIGHT

WITH PRAYER=
  • Open your heart to God. (your own Wise Mind GETS its wisdom FROM HIM!)
  • Ask God for strength to bear the pain. CARRY YOUR CROSS!
  • Consciously turn things over to God. Repeat this as often as you need to. ("O JESUS, I SURRENDER MYSELF TO YOU, TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING")
  • ROSARY
  • SAINT BRIDGET PRAYERS
  • GO TO THE ALTAR AND JUST TALK TO GOD!!
  • Say your VERY FAVORITE PRAYERS
  • SAY THE ENZLER STATIONS!!!

WITH RELAXING ACTIONS =
  • Drink hot tea
  • Practice stretching (make it a HABIT; we'll feel MUCH BETTER)
  • Breathe deeply (SET a TIMER; make this a HABIT, DAILY)
  • Change your facial expression (This WORKS!!)
  • Go sit under a tree/ in the grass/ by water??
  • SIT DOWN and just BE
  • Read a KID'S BOOK

WITH ONE THING IN THE MOMENT =

  • Focus your entire attention on just what you are doing (GRATEFUL WONDER & JOY!)
  • Keep yourself in the moment. ("Be HERE, NOW")
  • Put your mind in the present. (NOT past/ future)
  • Focus your entire attention on the physical (SANCTIFY IT!)
  • EXERCISE (WEIGHTS)
  • Do something like PAINTING/ COLORING that DEMANDS BOTH fine motorskill focus AND mental attention/ quiet

WITH A BRIEF VACATION =
  • Go to the woods for a day? Try it! 
  • Turn off your phone for a day. Seriously TRY THIS.
  • Take a blanket to a park (WHERE?) and sit on it for a whole afternoon
  • Take a one hour breather from hard work
  • GOOGLE MAPS WORLD TOUR!
  • Go to a movie or music performance?
  • Chill in a cafe or library?
  • I'd LOVE to just bum around my old university; that was SO NICE 

WITH SELF-ENCOURAGEMENT & RETHINKING THE SITUATION =
  • "I will make it out of this."
  • "I'm doing the best I can" = MAKE SURE WE ARE!!!
  • Repeat over and over: "I can stand it."
  • "This too shall pass."
  • "I will be okay." = GOD IS GUIDING & PROTECTING ME.
  • "It won't last forever." = ONLY GOD/LOVE IS ETERNAL (HEAVEN HOPE)
  • THANK GOD for the moment (HIS WILL/ LESSON) & TRUST HIM; ASK for GRACE to SEE & CHERISH HIS HAND IN IT
  • "THIS CAN & WILL HELP ME GROW IN VIRTUE!" (COMMIT)
TWO "RETHOUGHTS" THAT ARE PARTICULARLY IMPORTANT IN YOUR CRISIS SITUATIONS =
1. "My mistakes/ misjudgments DON'T INVALIDATE my (GOD-GIVEN!) GOOD QUALITIES."
2. "God's will/ the Holy Spirit DO NOT induce PANIC/ ANXIETY/ SELF-LOATHING/ etc. I must INSTEAD CHOOSE to act in LOVE/ HOPE/ MERCY/ etc."!!

prismaticbleed: (held)


DISTRACTING WITH "WISE MIND ACCEPTS"

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

ACTIVITIES
1013 = Filling out mealplan "shuffle tickets" for exhange options (10)
1014 = QuiGong "massage" chi meditation on Youtube, thanks Sarah! (7)
1015 = Journaling about family session, flirting with Mimic over popcorn (10)

CONTRIBUTIONS
1013 = Called mom's house & left a "hello" message for Excalibur (10)
1014 = Consistently offered compliments to fellow patients during the day (9)
1015 = Giving as sincere feedback as I could to Armani & Rylee (8)

COMPARISONS
1013 = Talked with MJ about progress since admission AND CNC (9)
1014 = Grateful that I HAVE food to eat, and I'm safe here (10)
1015 = I am BOTH WILLING & ABLE to sit with nausea & food fears today?? (6)

EMOTIONS
1013 = Alexis/ Erika played that new Bruno Mars tune and my heart just LIT UP (100)
1014 = Thinking about my beloved Centralites, even just SEEING them (100)
1015 = Hugging Anxi, comforting her & cherishing her when I felt anxious (100)

PUSHING AWAY
1013 = Repeatedly "put Tuesday in God's Hands" and focused on today (9)
1014 = Choosing to be patient & simply be present, trust God's timing (9)
1015 = Refuse to obsess over the nausea; "it is what it is & it'll pass" (9)

THOUGHTS
1013 = Thinking about different exchange ticket item variations (9)
1014 = Thinking about different kinds of fruits, and where to buy them (9)
1015 = Actually REMEMBERING typecode resonances & reflecting on them (100)

SENSATIONS
1013 = I felt the braille letters on the laundry room door (8)
1014 = I put my head into the hot shower to wash my hair (10)
1015 = The ORANGE SALMON! The TACOS! The TRIX (brand new)! (10)

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SELF-SOOTHING

101324 - 101624

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

VISION
1013 = Looked up at the moon & stars & shimmering clouds (10)
1014 = Wondering at how pretty the yogurt texture & color was (10)
1015 = The beautiful indigo hue of the menu in my folder, like Leon (10)
1016 = Admiring the beautiful shimmering red buttons on my pajama outfit (10)

HEARING
1013 = Listened to that new Bruno Mars System song on loop in our head (10)
1014 = Humming to self, whatever notes I'm feeling in the moment (10)
1015 = Talking to my mom & hearing her voice & how proud she is of me (10)
1016 = All the GOOD MUSIC & friendly talk from Scott during Fall Fest (10)

SMELL
1013 = Fresh air outside in the morning, evening, AND nighttime! (10)
1014 = The smell of the clementine peel at breakfast, bright & fresh & orange (7)
1015 = The nice mintiness of everyone's Simethicone, seriously! (10)
1016 = My old white pajama top, that still smells like home & grandma (9)

TASTE
1013 = REALLY enjoyed the waffles at breakfast & the peas at lunch & the DINNER ROLL (10)
1014 = The BONUS HOT CEREAL + SUNBUTTER wonder we got for breakfast (8)
1015 = How fresh & nice the tomato & lettuce were in the lunch tacos (8)
1016 = PUMPKIN PIE with Leon & Lynne! / SESAME SEEDS AT LAST! (10)

TOUCH
1013 = Stood in the morning sunlight & felt the warmth on my face (10)
1014 = Soft pajamas, the texture of paper, cold smooth stone (9)
1015 = The soft tortillas at lunch, the smooth apple at dinner, solid ground (10)
1016 = The SOFT SOFT POTSTICKERS! And RUNNING THROUGH THE GRASS! (10)

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IMPROVE THE MOMENT

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

IMAGERY
1013 = Going to the "Gimmelwald" heartspace with Leon & Laurie (10)
1014 = Visiting the Indigo & Violet color realms & just BEING there (10)
1015 = Thinking about the "IDEAL" future recovery life, with the System & family (8)

MEANING
1013 = The blueberry poptart snack got me to TALK WITH LEON ♥ (100)
1014 = The "option shortage" gave us an unexpected PERFECT BREAKFAST ♥ (10)
1015 = Getting sick from cinnamon prompted a GREAT recovery conversation with MJ (10)

PRAYER
1013 = Praying for the people around me who were struggling (9)
1014 = Said a "Hail Mary" when tabletalk became inappropriate/ lewd (10)
1015 = Reading "The 3 Ordinary Voices of God" and CHOOSING to LISTEN & LIVE IT (10)

RELAXATION
1013 = Looked at the sunset, which was all pink and lilac (8)
1014 = Deep breathing, embracing Chaos 0 & Laurie for comfort upstairs (10)
1015 = Hot shower & scrubbing/ massaging like the monk taught us (10)

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT
1013 = Superfocused on tearing papers for the exchange tickets (10)
1014 = Superfocused on the action of writing with the marker (10)
1015 = Repeatedly physically grounding & refocusing my attention (?)

VACATION
1013 = Just had some nice, non-treatment small talk with MJ (9)
1014 = Chillin' on the liquidcrystal beach upstairs with the CoreGroup (& OCEAN DRINKS ♥) (9)
1015 = Genesis & I planning to visit MU for the CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING (10)

ENCOURAGEMENT
1013 = Laurie CONSTANTLY friendly-punching my arm & encouraging me (∞)
1014 = Seeing unexpected mealplan alterations as new adventures to enjoy (10)
1015 = Reminding myself, "I CAN do this. I WANT to succeed, and I WILL!" (10)


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REALITY ACCEPTANCE SKILLS

101524 - 101724

(date + skill usage + 1-5 effectiveness)

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
1015 = Disgusting romance on TV. I can't change it. It'll pass. LET GO of disgust. (2)
1015 = My past is my past. I can't change it. But it ALL led me to be who I am today. (4)
1016 = Upset at being too dissociated at dinner. Grateful I STILL enjoyed it. Felt disappointment AND joy. (3)

TURNING THE MIND
1015 = "I can choose to gripe about snack, OR accept the BONUS RETRY & CHERISH it" (4)
1015 = ✳ "I can CHOOSE to be patient & loving & kind, OR be mean & impatient & rude" (5)
1017 = SO SCARED OF SOY. Want to purge/ restrict. Allergy panic. BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP OR FLEE. (2)

WILLINGNESS (not what I want, but FOR LOVE OF ALL)
1015 = "Wanted 2 BelVita"; BUT chose wafers FOR MOM + more BelVita for others
1016 = Scott talking to me while I was eating; CHOSE to FULLY enter into conversation; LOVELY (5)
1016 = I don't want to talk. Angry, exhausted. Decide to gently assert boundary if asked, NOT resisting (3)

HALF-SMILING
1015 = When feeling "regret" over not choosing snack I "wanted" + FOUND MEANING IN CHOICE I DID MAKE (3)
1015 = Everyone else using phone. Did this while happy at them talking to their families (4)
1016 = EXHAUSTED from talking too much. Smiled & was grateful for being TRUSTED to LISTEN (3)

WILLING HANDS 
1015 = When group was watching TV that I didn't like (3)
1015 = Peers acting silly; instead of judging, accept them just as THEY are (5)
1016 = Gotta go to Fall Fest, facing old fears. Decided WE'RE GONNA ENJOY IT. (5)

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS
1015 = "I want ALL BelVita" like a child scared of "not getting more"; watched with COMPASSION (3)
1016 = Fears about Fall Fest/ flashback memories; watched & imagined GOOD things there (3)
1017 = So, so sad/ scared/ lost/ helpless/ frightened. Listen to that confession as sad song. (4)


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101224

Oct. 12th, 2024 01:24 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

I feel utterly invisible/ misunderstood/ alien today. I feel like a cryptid, or a myth. It's sad but too familiar. I just didn't expect it to hit here, now, after a month of community interaction. I just feel like my entire heart is a foreign language/ something I can't or shouldn't reveal. I've tried, but there's never any response of acknowledgement, let alone acceptance. I feel very sad, like I "can't LIVE here." I didn't journal yesterday & I think that set this off, because I therefore didn't "go inside" & connect with the REAL me = US. I did do a word search with Laurie right before bed & she kept telling me to "stay disciplined" & that simple shared time was so essential for my heart. THAT NEEDS to be TOP PRIORITY upon discharge, whatever else happens. ...On that note, there's a new girl today, & at snack we overheard her say that, on Unit 3, there are "lots of people with D.I.D.". Our attention SNAPPED into focus, but all she said was something like "they schizo-switch" & I THINK "other people in their head take over"? But maybe I'm autocorrecting, because whatever she DID say made our heart sink, & I wanted to speak up but couldn't from across the table. ...It just felt like a slap in the face, a "no alters allowed" sign; like a warning to "keep our mouth shut" & keep our heart a buried secret. I'm SO TIRED of "HAVING" TO HIDE US. I don't want to. Maybe I REFUSE to. Somehow I HAVE to bear witness to us, to CONFESS OUR LOVE because THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT LIVING AS A SYSTEM IS. And THAT'S why it LITERALLY KILLS ME TO STAY SILENT. Listen man, IF WE WANT TO ACTUALLY, TRULY, REALLY & FULLY LIVE, NOT JUST "RECOVER," THEN WE NEED TO LIVE TOGETHER, 24/7, ALWAYS & EVERYWHERE, IN THAT TRUE LOVE. We CANNOT "be ashamed" of the TRUTH, & we CANNOT DENY IT. But we HAVE to START NOW, & start small. Be realistic & prudent, but COMMITTED & SINCERE. Do NOT "casually disclose it" OR "list it" as just some diagnosis. IT'S NOT. IT'S LOVE. Actually? We should "PREACH WITH OUR ACTIONS"? Like, HOW can we WITNESS to/ CONFESS each other WITHOUT blithely sayng "I have D.I.D."? THAT'S a better option. WE ARE NOT OUR "DIAGNOSIS." So STOP SEEING & PRESENTING OURSELF AS A DSM-V LABEL. We're PEOPLE. We're a LIVING SOUL. We're a UNITED HEART! And ultimately IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY "MATTER" IF OTHER PEOPLE KNOW WE'RE A SYSTEM OR NOT-- WHAT MATTERS IS THAT WE ARE LIVING AS ONE, AS US, NO MATTER WHAT.

092624

Sep. 26th, 2024 05:10 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

Today we went to the unit art show in the gym, and me & Laurie walked around together looking at art & eating cheese cubes & crackers & apple cider. It was genuinely so simply joyous.
THAT'S the life we want-- free, full of gratitude & wonder, lived TOGETHER in mutual love.

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Reading "The Gospel According to Jesus" this morning revealed something HUGE= Deep down, I "WANT" TO BE A "DOULOS"-- A SLAVE. One "whose VERY EXISTENCE is DEFINED BY her service to another" to whom she "BELONGS." Therefore "she LACKS PERSONAL FREEDOM/ RIGHTS" as "her HUMAN AUTONOMY is SET ASIDE" and "AN ALIEN WILL TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER HER OWN"-- she is "LEGALLY FORCED" to give "TOTAL, UNQUALIFIED SUBMISSION to the CONTROL & DIRECTIVES of a higher AUTHORITY" = her "MASTER," who DID NOT HAVE TO GIVE HER "WAGES" BECAUSE SHE WAS PROPERTY, "WITHOUT SOCIAL STANDING OR RIGHTS." A "doulos" is "DEPENDENT ON HER LORD," OBLIGATED TO SERVICE NOT BY CHOICE BUT BY LEGAL SUBJECTION. A slave HAS TO DO WHAT SHE IS TOLD, WHETHER SHE WANTS TO OR NOT, WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT. SHE CANNOT SAY "NO," EVER. SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO. And THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I SEE MYSELF. WHY.
✳ TWO things: in TRUTH, my ONLY "LORD & MASTER" IS JESUS CHRIST. Literally NO ONE ELSE has authority over me. I am BOUND TO OBEY GOD ALONE. And GOD IS TRUTH & BEAUTY & LOVE. That's the SECOND thing: EVEN in my compulsive "slavery" mindset to PEOPLE, I LOVE THEM and so MY "SLAVERY" IS BY CHOICE AS LONG AS THAT ENDURES. This, however, causes TERRIBLE CONFLICT & FRIGHTFUL CONFUSION/ PARALYSIS when I "TRY TO BE A SLAVE TO TWO MASTERS." IF MOM wants one thing & GRANDMA wants another, or TBAS is in opposition to TAS, or even worse if ALL OF THEM ARE "GIVING CONFLICTING ORDERS"-- then WHO DO I SURRENDER MY WILL TO? WHOSE SLAVE AM I? Because technically I CAN'T "be OWNED by" them ALL... I CAN'T "BELONG TO" them all. AND PART OF ME "WANTS" TO, although the thought TERRIFIES her, because it REQUIRES that she "SET ASIDE her HUMAN AUTONOMY." I become SUBHUMAN inevitably-- an animal, an object, mere property-- but I'm "USEFUL." I'm "WANTED." I "BELONG" to someone. It's HEARTBREAKING as much as it's SICKENING. And the ONLY WAY OUT IS LITERALLY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST THAT ACTUALLY "BOUGHT ME". I BELONG TO GOD. And THEREFORE I MUST "SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD." NOT trying to please/ appease/ entertain people from my past. THAT'S the REAL truth. But... I feel like I'm "TRYING TO SELL MYSELF"???
✳ Continuing the "SLAVERY" topic BECAUSE THAT is POWERFULLY impacting/ directing our ENTIRE SCHEDULE. I think I'M somehow treating the FACT that "I BELONG TO GOD, AS A SLAVE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS" (ROM 6:18) with fatal misunderstanding/ imprudent application? Like I WANT & NEED my life to REVOLVE AROUND GOD, around the CATHOLIC CHURCH/ RELIGION that HE established & IN WHICH IS MY LIFE & SALVATION. But... I don't know how to "fit anything else in." "Nothing else IS needed," I think. "ONLY God is necessary." But AM I LIMITING GOD?? If I "can't eat until I pray/ adore/ go to Mass," and the hospital ORDERED me to eat MORE, how do I reconcile OBEDIENCE to BOTH, if GOD is BOTH PRIORITY AND the One Who PUT me under that lesser authority? If my body "NEEDS" to eat & sleep & exercise & work & play, but I feel COMPELLED AS A SLAVE to ONLY do explicitly religious activities to the EXCLUSION of "worldly" "needs," am I dishonoring God by "confining" Him AND worship of Him TO "only religious activities"? AND am I even ALLOWED to "cut down"/ alter my strict prayer schedule? Is it WRONG to want to go to the gym if it will conflict with Adoration AND breakfast? And what about creative work & journaling, if that time must be taken away from religious lectures? Do I HAVE to go to two Masses a day if that prevents me from eating? HOW DO I BALANCE BODY & SPIRIT? WHY AM I PUTTING THEM IN CONFLICT??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay dude let's TALK MEALPLANS because this is OUR RESPONSIBILITY IN RECOVERY.
✳ LAVENDER BK needs 3 FRUITS. In general, ALL the plans MANDATE 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY!!! So, on the unit, to avoid too much volume at once (esp. with fiber) we will HAVE to do JUICE. That can actually be COOL because we can COMBINE them and see what results, haha. Just be prudent, not stupidly "bingey" in making "SLOP" out of DISTINCT WHOLE FOODS. You have the SAME PROBLEM WITH CONDIMENTS. Seriously, for FREEDOM & HONOR'S SAKE, STOP ADDING BUTTER & MAYO & SALAD DRESSING TO EVERYTHING and JUST ENJOY FOOD PLAIN, LIKE YOU WANT!
✳ We're in a cottage cheese loop with ALL meals & we SHOULD vary that with an EGG once daily. But SHOULD we eat the string cheese stick? Because we're avoiding it due to 1) overprocessing & 2) I don't want to "become that food," or rather, "take on" the "image" of "the KIND OF PERSON" who eats plastic-wrapped cheese products. It's a "BAD" vibe; it feels GROSS & SICK & ARTIFICIAL. We want to be the "kind of person" who eats WHOLE FOODS, NOT THE "CHEAP/ PROCESSED" STUFF that, to us, FEELS LIKE BINGE FOOD? Because THAT action "DENATURED" real food into SLOP, and processed food is "already closer to nonfood" than a "real" item like the egg OR cottage cheese (minimal, clean ingredients). BUT ARE WE JUDGING TOO MUCH?? Honestly I THINK SO. We're NOT FREE to MEET ALL OCCASIONS GOD OFFERS TO US, and NOT FREE to SHARE in ALL HUMAN EXPERIENCE WITH FOOD, IF WE REJECT/ REFUSE "WHAT WE ARE GIVEN/ SHARING IN" out of ALOOF/ PROUD/ FEARFUL MORAL JUDGMENT. THAT is DISORDERED.
✳ This begs the question: ARE WE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE THE "HEALTHIER"/ "CLEANER" (RESO) OPTION IF THE ALTERNATIVE IS A FOOD ON THAT "COMPULSIVE" LIST, TIED TO OTHER PEOPLE? MUST WE ALWAYS CHOOSE THE "CHALLENGE/ OBLIGATORY" OPTION IF IT WOULD "MAKE US FEEL SICK/ UNSATISFIED/ SHAKEN"? IS THAT SELFISH? IS THAT A SIN PUNISHABLE BY DEATH? There was PIZZA & POT PIE on the menu and we DIDN'T CHOOSE THEM because PIZZA is tied to LOTS of upsetting memories (esp. CNC, & childhood pizza parties/ social panic) And SO IS the POT PIE (binges, poverty), and honestly we DON'T "LIKE" EITHER. DO WE? ARE WE ALLOWED TO "DISLIKE" FOOD? Are we going to pay in blood for this? WHY CAN'T WE GET OVER THIS COMPULSION/ FEAR??? IF I DON'T LIKE salty sausage & kielbasa, IS THAT "EVIL" OF ME if PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT DO LIKE IT??
✳ AND HOW DOES THIS AFFECT MY ACTUALLY LIKING FOODS? THAT gives me the SAME FEELING OF PANICKED FEAR & EXPECTING BRUTAL PUNISHMENT. IS THIS THE "SLAVE MIND" TOO?? "I HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIKE ANYTHING "OF MYSELF"??" "I AM OBLIGATED TO ONLY LIKE WHAT MY "OWNERS" (CONTROLLERS) LIKE"? HOW DO I "ADMIT/ ASSERT" MY "OWN" "LIKES" WITHOUT SIN? WHY IS ENJOYING SOMETHING OF MY OWN EXPERIENCE A SIN? WHY IS PERSONAL PREFERENCE A SIN??? WHY IS ANYTHING RELATING TO "MY" "UNIQUE" EXISTENCE & "AUTONOMY" A DAMNABLE SIN??? Why am I "not allowed" to have any "self-related" action or thought whatsoever?
AND ONCE AGAIN, LO AND BEHOLD, THE SYSTEM CAN DEAL WITH THIS. We have lotophagoi. We choose TOGETHER. We REASON out our decisions FOR OUR COMMON GOOD & the CARE of OUR BODY & MIND, WHILE RESPECTING OTHERS. Yes the fears ↑ are STILL THERE & we NEED to discuss & feel & work through them TOGETHER, and we WILL & WANT TO, but AS we untangle & heal that, WE CAN & DO STILL FUNCTION IN LOVE. That DEFINES us & it's the ONLY THING that will sustain us through this, that & GOD'S GRACE IN THAT LOVE AS HE LOVES & GUIDES US. Please, keep reminding ourself of that. Do NOT drown in the fears & lies. Clear your eyes & mind BY this love & KEEP GOING.

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✳ We had to choose mealplan foods today & it took me almost 2 HOURS because I kept worrying that my choices were somehow "WRONG." I kept feeling like I "HAVE TO" eat bananas for breakfast "BECAUSE" I don't "like" them & THEREFORE I MUST "GO THROUGH CONVERSION THERAPY" basically. It's FORCEFEEDING UNTIL I "ENJOY IT." THAT'S RAPE-ANALOGOUS BEHAVIOR. I'm "NOT ALLOWED" to have apples instead because I "LIKE" them? Or DO I? How do I trust/ accept that? AND am I making the WRONG choice by having an apple INSTEAD of an orange? Which is wiser? I'm terrified that I made a stupid decision & now I CAN'T FIX IT, which translates as "PUNISHMENT FOR SIN" & just corrupts innocent foods in my mangled perception. STOP. Put it in Jesus's Hands. I have apples with breakfast because it's nice to start the day with their clean crunch & they're faster/ cleaner to eat which allows for earlier completion so we can get coffee. And we eat oranges with lunch because they often pair well with the entree (esp. fish). But... we can easily try switching them & see how that works FOR US. We're STILL GETTING NUTRITION. But... I feel so guilty about the bananas. I just "panic" because having them WITH waffles & syrup is just too much sugar bro. BUT IS THAT "LETTING FEAR CONTROL ME"?? I'll have to man up & have one EVERY OTHER DAY from now on, to keep up variety & "get used to them." I really DON'T WANT to see them as "DANGEROUS" because they're NOT. So we'll heal that, thank You God for showing us this. BUT it's the FRUIT FEAR in general, which we MUST face in the higher mealplans WITH LOVE, because FRUIT = EDEN, remember! It's GOOD! So we MUST get to a place where we CAN CHOOSE FREELY from a VARIETY of EQUALLY GOOD/ COMFORTABLE (IDEAL GOAL) OPTIONS, WITHOUT FRAMING IT AS A "MORAL JUDGMENT" OR "SLAVE COMPULSION"!!! We NEED to be JOYFULLY FREE. And that WILL INCLUDE BANANAS, AND JUICE! It WON'T "KILL US" OR "MAKE US DIABETIC." Food is MEDICINE and ESPECIALLY FRUITS & VEGETABLES & WHOLE FOODS. CREATION IS GOOD. FOOD IS GOOD. STOP LABELING FOODS AS "WRONG" OUT OF MORAL PANIC. And STOP RELIVING TRAUMA THROUGH FOOD; THAT'S ABUSING IT AND YOURSELF. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" WHEN THAT'S THE INTENTION!!!

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✳ "Positive affirmations" are SO DIFFICULT because "if they AREN'T "ABSOLUTE" & UNWAVERING, then they're LIES"??? Like the best I can do is say "I TRY to/ WANT to be good" in countless ways. BUT ironically that "minimizes" the times I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN kind/ honest/ merciful/ helpful/ etc.? And the MORE I STRIVE, the EASIER & MORE FREQUENT such REAL GOODNESS BECOMES. And yet ALL IT TAKES is ONE moment of weakness where I act "badly" and it corrupts EVERYTHING. It's "all or nothing" morality and it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN SCRIPTURE SAYS SO!!! THAT DOESN'T "DOOM" US THOUGH BECAUSE OF CHRIST'S MERCIFUL LOVE. YOU GET TO TRY AGAIN. YOU GET TO BE FORGIVEN. YOU GET TO GROW INTO HOLINESS DAILY.
✳ "Affirmations" should DESCRIBE the GRACE-FILLED IDEAL GOAL OF SAINTHOOD, that you ARE CALLED TO & ENABLED TO BY THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO WANTS YOU TO BE THAT SAINT-SELF HE MADE YOU TO BE. So affirmations are ACTUALLY THE OPPOSITE of lies, because affirmations SPEAK THE TRUTH OF GOD'S DESIGN & PLANS FOR ME, & HELP ME TO "TUNE MYSELF" TO THEIR SONG.
WORDS ARE CHRIST'S POWER & GIFT SO DON'T LET THE DEVIL ABUSE THEM (BLASPHEMY)!!! SPEAKING VIRTUE INTO MY LIFE, "ACTUALIZING" THEIR POTENTIAL, IS SPIRITUAL COMBAT!!
✳ "YOUR FAITH HAS SAVED YOU." YOU NEED TO TRUST THE GOOD WORDS & GOOD NEWS!! ALL THOSE NEGATIVE BEATDOWNS ARE UNWORTHY OF TRUST BECAUSE THEY ACTIVELY PREVENT YOU FROM LIVING IN THE TRUTH OF YOUR DEEPEST IDENTITY AS A SAVED CHILD OF GOD. (and WHY are you saved? Because you LOVE GOD & BELIEVE JESUS LIVES & TRUST HIM AS LORD) (btw CHRIST WANTS TO SAVE YOU. He will NEVER turn you away. So KEEP RUNNING BACK TO HIM.)

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✳ IS IT "OKAY" TO EAT "JUNK FOODS" (like poptarts for snack option) OR WILL THAT "CHANGE OUR VIBE/ IDENTITY" TO BE "JUNK"??? We feel like we HAVE to eat EVERY snack option ESPECALLY if it "scares us" = "is unhealthy." BUT we NEVER SEEM TO "GET OVER" THE FEAR, which MEANS there's a DEEPER ROOT to ALL of it, and it's the FEAR OF CORRUPTION/ PARASITIC REPLACEMENT VIA INGESTION. Basically "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT." THAT IS THE CORE FEAR when you get all the way down, and it is EXPLICITLY TIED TO SEXABUSE/ "OWNERSHIP" = "I MUST EAT ONLY & WHATEVER THEY EAT, SO THAT I WILL LOSE MY SELF AND BECOME THEM." BECAUSE "THEY OWN ME" & I CANNOT BE "IN OPPOSITION TO" THEIR "AUTHORITATIVE WILL." A SLAVE MUST CONFORM. THIS IS WHY I "HUNT FOR FOOD" WHEN I GO INTO HOUSES-- I'VE BEEN PLACED UNDER "NEW AUTHORITY" & I "MUST REPLACE MY SELF WITH THEIRS" BY EATING WHAT THEY EAT-- and "you ARE what you eat"-- so I'M PREEMPTIVELY CONFORMING MY SENSE OF SELF TO THEIRS, even symbolically. BUT EATING ALSO ECHOES SEX, and the very act of eating makes me ALREADY feel VULNERABLE/ INVADED/ TAKEN OVER BY FORCE? It's a means of "making me ready to be used"/ "to BE eaten." It's hard to put into words. BUT if I'm "WILLINGLY" EATING YOUR FOOD, I'M "SAYING" THAT I'M "READY TO BE USED/ TAKEN OVER/ OWNED BY YOU." I'm DELETING MYSELF & REPLACING IT WITH YOURS VIA FOOD. And my manic babbling "to entertain" the whole time is a direct result of that. I'm SCARED and I have to DROWN OUT MY SELF with NOISE/ DISTRACTION SO I DON'T FIGHT BACK/ RESIST. The food is COMPULSIVE/ ABUSIVE/ DEPERSONALIZING & SO IS THE TALKING. It's a LIVING HELL and it NEEDS TO STOP OR WE WILL DIE, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY!!!

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✳ It is VERY DIFFICULT for me to do ANYTHING for "self-care" WITHOUT STILL TRYING TO DIRECT IT OUTWARDS TO CARE FOR OTHERS!! Like I view EVEN PERSONAL HYGIENE ultimately as something I MUST DO FOR OTHER PEOPLE. It's like all other motivations are null. If they're not serving somebody else, they're invalid. I apparently see myself as... well. As INHERENTLY PLURAL. Go figure. EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO THAT. When I DENY/ IGNORE/ SUPPRESS the System, MY WHOLE LIFE FALLS TO PIECES. And, yes, THEY KEEP ME RELIGIOUS, TOO. I'm MORE FAITHFUL WITH THEM then ALONE (NO COMMUNION).


092324

Sep. 23rd, 2024 08:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (worried)

✳ A PROBLEM with asserting BASIC NEEDS: I'M USED TO MOM'S RESPONSES to my attempts. The OTHER problem is that SHE HAS A POINT! I DON'T (DIDN'T?) KNOW HOW TO "PROPERLY" MEET THOSE NEEDS IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T BECOME ALL-ENCOMPASSING & RITUALLY INFLEXIBLE? And I WANT TO BE FREE & FLEXIBLE BECAUSE I NEED TO LIVE FOR REAL, and that REQUIRES HELPING OTHERS & BEING CREATIVE & ACTUALLY HAVING THE PSYCHIC LIBERTY TO MEET & ADAPT TO UNEXPECTED ADVENTURES AS THEY APPEAR. And so, when mom complains that she can't do anything with me because I'm "ALWAYS EATING" or "PREPARING TO EAT," SHE'S RIGHT. I've been using MEALS/ PREP as an "OCD" RITUALISTIC-CYCLE FOCUS because EATING IS A REAL NEED and so I "CAN JUSTIFY IT" if pressed & therefore PERPETUATE THE CYCLE. It would STAY SECURE & STABLE. But it was a PRISON. I was TRAPPED in a cage of my own design, convinced it was "comfortable" and "safe" and "necessary FOR my mental health," but it was KEEPING ME FRAGILE, "frozen" in a loop, unable to GET OUT of the wheel ruts & ACTUALLY BLAZE A NEW TRAIL OF RECOVERY, to TAKE THE CHAINS OFF and FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT! And as overly simple as it sounds, ALL THAT BEGINS with LITTLE CHOICES FOR TRUTH & VIRTUE, RIGHT NOW. It means "keeping my loins girt & lamp trimmed," READY & WAITING & WATCHING for CHRIST-- because His coming IS RIGHT NOW, IN ME, AS HIS BAPTIZED CHILD & MEMBER OF HIS BODY, AS A TEMPLE OF HIS SPIRIT. And... a Temple is a place of PUBLIC WORSHIP & SACRIFICE. A Body is a UNITED WHOLE, operating TOGETHER for the COMMON GOOD, & ADAPTING TO ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. The point is FREEDOM FROM SELF, FOR COMMUNITY. I CAN'T DO THAT IN THIS SELFCENTERED JAIL. Listen I WANT TO HELP MY MOM UP THE HOUSE, ANY & EVERY TIME SHE ASKS. I LOVE HER and I WANT TO BE PART OF HER LIFE, NOW, AS SHE NEEDS, ON HER TERMS, WITH MY WHOLE HEART. I WANT TO BE FREE of my stupid control-freak ouroboros hell. I want to be ABLE to WORK & EAT & CELEBRATE with her, WITHOUT "WAITING/ LOOKING FOR THE EXIT" so I can shackle myself back to the bloody wheel. NO. I WANT TO BE FREE TO LOVE!!! free to GIVE & SHARE & FEEL & WAIT & EXPLORE & EMBRACE & CONNECT WITH OTHERS! And it SOUNDS ridiculous but STEP ONE is LETTING GO OF FOOD RULES. If you AREN'T "waiting to get back home so I can do my food rituals" and ARE INSTEAD LIBERATED by TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE to EAT WHAT IS SET IN FRONT OF YOU, WHENEVER & WHEREVER THAT HAPPENS, then your focus & energy & effort can ALL BE REDIRECTED TO PEOPLE, IN CHARITY, FOR GOD'S GLORY. ...and step one of love is to embrace "chaos."

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✳ Thin = "insignificant" = "not worth taking up space," frail, helpless, weak, useless, need to be protected? "can't do anything on my own," "invisible," "crushed/ stamped out/ down"
✳ "Something has to DIE for me to live" (food) and "I'm tired of being a cause of death" (MONSTER)
✳ STARVATION IS SUICIDE. Anorexia = "I have no right to exist" / "I shouldn't be alive because I'm feeding off others by existing"; "if I don't eat & die, everyone else will be better off/ EAT & LIVE"
✳ I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO BE THIN. I HATE THIS FRAILTY. But I'm SCARED to look in the mirror and see toothpick arms & legs, to see hollow cheeks & sunken ribs & a concave stomach on the worst days. I'm literally wasting away & that's TERRIFYING. I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO GET BIG & STRONG & MUSCULAR & ALIVE!! So... why do I keep wanting the number on the scale to drop? What's that about? Am I DISASSOCIATING the weight number from my increasingly skeletal body? Why the heck do you "WANT' to be 87 pounds??? Is it all just some sort of passive self-erasure? Are you crying out for help? Your subconscious is OBVIOUSLY trying to communicate something of desperate importance, because something in there IS scared of the body getting bigger, EVEN BY MUSCLE GAIN. And that's BIZARRE. I WANT to be a TANK if I can. I WANT to be a strong warrior to HELP & PROTECT & FIGHT FOR OTHERS. And yet, there IS STILL this unknown hidden buried terror that "wants to lose more weight." Why? You DO REALIZE that by BOTH STARVING & OVEREXERTION (ironically), this poor body is ONLY LOSING "WEIGHT" because IT IS LITERALLY EATING ITSELF ALIVE. It's SO HUNGRY and you WON'T FEED IT because you WANT to "BE" FOOD so HERE'S THE IRONIC END RESULT. You CANNOT GIVE what you DON'T HAVE. You STILL NEED TO EAT, by GOD'S DESIGN, and your poor body WILL autophage you to death if you refuse to let it partake of the rest of Creation. Resisting the LORD'S plan for LIFE in GENERAL will INEVITABLY KILL YOU. But you CAN CHOOSE LIFE, RIGHT NOW, BY COMMITTING YOURSELF TO EAT ENOUGH OF GOD'S LIFE-GIFTS TO BE FULL ENOUGH TO SHARE IT. YOU'RE CURRENTLY TOO EMACIATED TO CARRY ANY GIFTS IN THOSE FEEBLE LIMBS. You can either be an ICICLE or SANTA CLAUS, kiddo!! CHOOSE JOY & GENEROSITY.

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✳ Julie, Laurie, Lynne, & I were discussing CHOCOLATE in the hallway, both WHY we STILL fear it & HOW to REDEEM it by DISCERNING & HONORING the GOD-CREATED GOOD AT ITS HEART. Julie said it's an "aphrodisiac," boosting desire. But GOD meant desire to LEAD TO HIM, because God ALSO meant sex to be HOLY, UNITIVE, & LIVEGIVING, a REFLECTION of TRINITARIAN LOVE (SELFGIVING) & GOD'S MARRIAGE TO HIS CREATION/ PEOPLE!! So, if chocolate boosts desire, it's boosting our ability/ openness TO enter into that selfgiving love? Think of Valentine's Day! Desire says, "what is desirable is GOOD, and WORTHY of being UNITED with in MUTUALLY GIVING LOVE," because ALL true unity IS Love. GOD "DESIRES" US, AFTER ALL-- it's WHY HE CREATED US, & BECAME MAN!! So, think of THAT when you eat chocolate! God gave it the capacity to help inflame our cold hearts with the warmth of relationship & goodness seen & treasured. It's SWEET & RICH, symbols of heaven's wealth. AND Laurie reminded us, it has ANTIOXIDANTS, which FIGHT DEATH/ DECAY & PRESERVE LIFE/ HEALTH! It ALSO has CAFFEINE, which KEEPS YOU ALERT-- like your SOUL must be, always awake to God! No wonder we eat chocolate at Easter! It's ALL ABOUT LIFE & LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & AWAKENING. Thank God for snack wisdom!!

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8PM snack revealed that our mealdata-recall problem is MIRRORING TRAUMA. In moments where we feel SO UNSAFE/ IN DANGER that we hit "HYPER FOCUS," THAT DATA STICKS, ALONG WITH THE FEELINGS OF FEAR/ DANGER???

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✳ SIT WITH your emotions, NOT THROUGH THEM. HOLD THEM & FEEL THEM. They're REAL & they EXIST for a REASON and they are IMPORTANT and they TRULY CARE ABOUT YOU. Dude ANXI IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND. HOLD HER FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!!





092224

Sep. 22nd, 2024 03:04 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

Hack nightmare last night. Then I fell half-asleep and who was there protecting & guiding me to safety but LAURIE. Except her name registered clearly as LAUREL, and her color was PURPLE. But she was AS SHE WAS MEANT TO BE-- a Knight, a guardian angel, a Protector in truth, NOT a chummy conversation partner. She kept a separation between us without separating us. She didn't blunt her edges or parrot vapid platitudes. She didn't try to sugarcoat or mollycoddle or make things palatable, because she DIDN'T NEED TO. The strength of her presence, the fierce unspoken LOVE in her very existence, was profound comfort. SHE was all I needed-- no placating, no chatter, just her, as I RECOGNIZE her. It meant the universe to me.

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Breakfast today made us realize that a LOT of our mealtime dissociation IS SHEER SENSORY OVERWHELM. Honestly I loathe the television, but it serves as "distracting noise" for the anxious group. The same goes for conversation. And I see & respect how that works for them. BUT, I have different "needs". I "need" QUIET FOCUSED SLOW SOLITUDE, to eat MINDFULLY & PROCESS THE DATA. I cannot do that very well here, but I AM trying my best. I must be PATIENT & UNDERSTANDING & GENTLE (CLOAK) towards everyone. They are NOT "AGAINST" MY HEALING just because the majority needs are different. I need to discuss this with my treatment team perhaps. I need to properly discern WHICH "needs" CAN be either sacrificed for the common good or somehow compromised/ altered for the sake of submissive obedience, WITHOUT SUCH A DECISION CONTRIBUTING TO DISORDERED HABITS & HARMFUL STATES OF MIND? How much "agency" do I truly have here? Am I overestimating, assuming I CAN "just reprogram myself" or "suppress my alleged needs" on a dime? Or am I underestimating, and I REALLY DO NEED ACCOMMODATION if ONLY to PREVENT the further HABITUATION/ RE-EMPHASIZING of behaviors that, although seemingly neutral to others, are LEAVING MENTAL BRUISES that are SETTING BAD "FOUNDATIONS" for FURTHER HARM that I WOULD NOT HAVE SUFFERED OUTSIDE OF THIS ENVIRONMENT? THAT'S why I'm scared. I hate the TV. I fear the overwhelm. I'm literally getting sick from all the processed packaged food. I DON'T WANT MY BODY REBUILDING ITSELF FROM GARBAGE & CHEMICALS. I want to GET OUT OF HERE & FEED IT MYSELF & I DON'T WANT TO HURT IT. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT. God what do I do? I can't start refusing meals. I'm determined to eat 100%, if only for obedience. Can God redeem these efforts? IF NOTHING from outside can make me "unclean," can God ALSO prevent those outside things from making my body a trash heap?
✳ "You are what you eat" BUT I'M NOT BEING GIVEN A CHOICE. MY BODY'S "IDENTITY" IS LITERALLY BEING DECIDED BY OTHERS & FORCED UPON ME. IT'S SEX ABUSE. IT'S A LIVING NIGHTMARE. Why ELSE do you think we started purging?? WE CAN'T SAY "NO". WE MUST "BE A GOOD GIRL" & TAKE IT. We MUST OBEY. But WHY??? WHAT IS THE ACTUAL GOAL HERE?? Obedience for its own sake? Denial of self in order to be an extension of others? or their toy/ science project? In the end, what will this make ME? Can I LIVE with that? Does it even matter? IF "we're not meant for this world" BUT "our BONES will be resurrected," where does one draw the line? How much should I care? And about what things? Does Mark 16:18 apply here? If EVERYTHING is really just a different form-combination of the BASIC MINERALS & CHEMICALS that GOD created, then CAN GOD "TRANSFORM" the "poison" of "bad food" INTO its GOOD BASIC STRUCTURAL ELEMENTS? I NEED to have FAITH in that. EVERY CREATED THING IS GOOD AT HEART, AS GOD'S CREATION. They may become broken & distorted, yes, BUT CHRIST CAN & DOES REDEEM EVERYTHING... ESPECIALLY FOOD (EUCHARIST)!!

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Laurie pointed out that CONDIMENT FORCING is contributing to meal dissociation/ rushing, so CUT BACK & instead ENJOY THE REALITY of the food AS-IS. The other half IS social-noise-attention anxiety, but we're working on detaching & just eating, NOT trying to "perform."

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Laurie pointed out that I'm compulsively "bingeing" on condiments. I'm FORCING myself to eat them and I REALLY DON'T WANT TO. I'm desperately seeking to accomplish SOMETHING by doing this, but WHAT? What data am I trying to get? Am I? I thought about it with Laurie when she pointed out how I IMMEDIATELY regretted asking for the packets. I realized then that this is most likely APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR. I'm forcing mayo "in restitution" somehow for UPMC mistakes & home misuse. I'm forcing ranch because of both TBAS & grandma. I'm forcing hot sauce as some sort of "identity" tangle, like I'm not allowed to object to it or I'll "change my personality." I don't know why-- no, I do. I'm forcing ketchup because of grandpa & dad & childhood memories. WHAT AM I TRYING TO PROVE OR ACCOMPLISH HERE? What do I think EATING these things will DO, to ME? Are they SYMBOLS?
1) "I need to push fats/ calories" = UPMC talk, STILL. The "need" is DIRECT APPEASEMENT. "Will you be happy with me if I try to make myself gain weight faster?" "Am I being good by showing you that I'm "willing" to make myself fat faster?" Is that a real motive? "I know that adding fat & calories contributes to weight gain. If I "FREELY" CHOOSE to add MORE than I was given, I'm showing them that I'm willing to go "above & beyond" what is expected? to PUSH myself HARDER, even to the LIMIT? They WANT me to eat more & gain weight, so if I force the process along faster, to GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT, I'll be "good"?? Is that what I'm so desperate for? They don't "love me" for it. They MIGHT "like me" SOLELY because I pleased them by conforming myself to their mandated expectations, & surpassing them, but it'd be a "like" based on UTILITY, or even just egotism? "We like you because you don't resist us. You always do exactly what we desire, & even take the initiative to further please us. You'll do." Until I hit goal weight & I'm no longer needed or interesting or wanted & I get tossed out with the trash, with all the other toys that aren't fun anymore, with all the other useless excess. Then what? NOW who sees me as good? Who do I please by my servile obeisance & self-denial now? What in the world am I trying to do? It's because this E.D. recovery, AND the disorder itself, make me feel like my MORAL WORTH AND STANDING are DEFINED BY MY BODY SIZE & SHAPE. Everyone WANTS me to be FAT, like ALL the sexually horrifying women that have traumatized me over the years. But WHY? Do THEY want to sexualize ME? to "fatten me up" to be KILLED & DEVOURED? What does forcefeeding me do for them? If MY CHOICES to eat made them FURIOUS, then WHY is THEIR forcing me to eat TONS MORE, but by THEIR CHOICE & CONTROL, not only "allowed" but PRAISED & even ORDERED? My OBEDIENCE is ALWAYS in SUBMITTING to CONTROL that INVOLVES CONTROL OF MY BODY. THEY get to manipulate it as THEY wish, and I as a PERSON DON'T GET TO EXIST. I can't say no. I "NEED" to eat all these condiments that I don't like but OTHER people do because I HAVE to like EVERYTHING and I'M ONLY A GOOD GIRL if I do so AND GET FAT, because... why? Is being not-fat offensive? Mind you I DON'T WANT TO BE "THIN." Even being "skinny" is deeply shameful. I want to be STRONG. NOT FAT. The difference is EFFORT & DISCIPLINE vs. SLOTH & INDULGENCE. But... they keep telling me to "gain weight" & "fill out" and I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A SEXUAL "WOMAN." Do I have ANY other options? And then WHY do I see fat/ chunky/ fullbodied/ "shortstack" women as BEAUTIFUL? I just can't BE ONE, or I "CAN'T LOVE THEM," somehow. I'll lose myself. That's NOT ME. I need to be... what? NOT skinny & frail. No, I want to LOVE & PROTECT PEOPLE. I NEED to be BIG in order to be STRONG. But THIS behavior is SKEWED. It's NOT protein or vitamins. It's FAT, & it's "NONFOOD" EXCESS. It's just an attempt to affect NUMBERS & APPROVAL, NOT HEALTH!

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Higher meal plans have 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY. That's SCARY amounts of sugar! And honestly, that's WHY I QUIT IOP LAST YEAR. This is a BIG OBSTACLE if I am REQUIRED to follow the meal plan, both psychologically AND financially. So we MUST face this NOW, and find the ROOT FEARS so we can deal with it MATURELY & RESPONSIBLY instead of being blindsided by kneejerk panic. We NEED to UNDERSTAND our fears about FRUIT & SUGAR, NOTABLY because we've realized that MOST FRUITS REGISTER AS FEAR FOODS, NOT mere challenges or aversions!
✳ There's a LOT as to WHY. SUGAR is one. MESSINESS (JUICE) is another. SEX ASSOCIATIONS are also significant. But WHY is SUGAR "EVIL/ DANGEROUS"?? IS IT BECAUSE OF THE SEX ABUSE/ TRAUMA? DID THIS BEGIN WITH CHOCOLATE??

✳ An AVERAGE of 2 FRUITS per meal is UNREALISTIC WITH VOLUME to my current understanding. The only way to "consolidate" is through JUICE (no fiber, glucose spike) or DRIED FRUIT (no water, glucose spike). SO we have to PREVENT GI SPIKES by BOOSTING FIBER in the rest of the meal, as well as fats?? If we are allowed to. This is much easier at breakfast; dinner will be tricky UNLESS we do something COMPLIMENTARY? Like a compote or "sauce" side?? It's too complicated & unnecessary though. I want & arguably NEED to have a SIMPLE, PLAIN, STRAIGHTFORWARD diet.
✳ We NEED to LIMIT our OPTIONS for the sake of PRUDENCE, SIMPLICITY, & AFFORDABILITY. Find what is NUTRITIOUS that DOESN'T cause "illness" (like IBS flares & toothaches), AND that we GENUINELY LIKE-- because LEARNING TO HAVE PREFERENCES & ALLOW MYSELF TO LIKE THINGS AND HAVE THEM WITHOUT PUNISHMENT is a KEY PART OF RECOVERY-- and STICK TO IT BRO!!
✳ So, AS OF TODAY, what DO we like? What do we have RIGHT NOW to work with? What are our BIGGEST OBSTACLES, the FEARS that are LIMITING OUR TRUE FREEDOM-- freedom TO CHOOSE WHAT IS GOOD? (Freedom is FOR GOD, freedom TO GLORIFY & OBEY our treatment plan & NOT FEAR CREATION)
✳ We legit REALLY like DRIED CHERRIES, FRESH FIGS, BLACK & RED GRAPES, and that's all I can think of, which is upsetting. There is SO MUCH FEAR TOWARDS FRUIT, and it's tied to DEATH & POISON for the most part. It ROTS SO FAST and I am SO USED to ALL the fruit at the old homestead being ROTTEN & MUSHY & MOLDED & LEAKING & WORM INFESTED & SMELLING LIKE DECAY. And DRIED fruit would be STALE & RANCID & FULL OF DIRT & HAIR & BUGS. This is WHY I get kneejerk "poison" aversion to MELONS, RAISINS, PEACHES, BANANAS, etc. Pomegranates, coconut, cranberries, etc. are similar, as are ALL clamshell berries. I am NOT used to ACTUALLY FRESH FRUIT. My childhood default was ROTTING, either through being left out on the table or forgotten in the refrigerator or on the porch. But that's the root of the poison fear. And it's sad, because it is BASED ON A LIE-- FRUIT IS NATURALLY FRESH & GOOD & HEALTHY & PURE. It's the FOOD OF EDEN!!! I SHOULD BE EATING FRUITS! That would SERIOUSLY be a PRIESTLY act on my part-- RESTORING the TRUE DIGNITY that GOD INTENDED to fruits, as I HEAL my experience of them by experiencing them AS GOOD, & offering that PRAISE TO GOD with HEAVEN in mind-- the "RETURN to the TRUE GARDEN" where CHRIST is the FRUIT OF LIFE!! So THERE'S your motivation & holy battle plan. HEAL = LOVE.
✳ Remember we STILL DO HAVE TO PLAN FOR THE MEALPLAN! And that MUST BE SUSTAINABLE. THAT fruit choice group HAS to be REALISTICALLY AFFORDABLE, LOCALLY ACCESSIBLE, COMPLIMENTARY TO OUR OTHER FOODS, & REASONABLY ENJOYABLE. ALL the fruits that DON'T fit those criteria (like papaya, dragonfruit, melon, etc.) MUST STILL BE HEALED, EVEN IF THEY DON'T BECOME A REGULAR PART OF OUR DIET, because ANY inclusion OR "exclusion" from the grocery list MUST COME FROM A PLACE OF FREEDOM & GRATEFUL APPRECIATION, NOT AVERSION OR FEAR! And NO FORCING, EITHER-- that's DISRESPECTFUL & CRUEL! "Not eating" a fruit for legit reasons ISN'T A SIN. Remember that "fasting" IS HOLY. It's STILL AN OFFERING OF GOODNESS TO GOD IN GRATITUDE, BY NOT EATING IT! EVEN THAT CAN BE DONE FOR HIS GLORY. So don't worry. Do what you NEED to do for your body's health & recovery, & do it in FREEDOM, LOVE, & PEACE.

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✳ MAPLE is "TREE BLOOD" and IT'S RESONATING. There's a girl forming to hold it! Her hue is hovering CERISE? NOT Orange? And Brown seems obvious but doesn't match the flavor? It's too unclear yet. BUT I WONDER if DUOTONE NOUSFONI ARE POSSIBLE in this "new era." We'll see!
✳ She WEARS cerise & vermilion accents? But her BASE reso IS BROWN? There's only one way to know for sure-- EAT SYRUP AGAIN & FEEL FOR HER IN RESONANCE WITH IT. The two HAVE TO MATCH. Remember that for ALL Lotophagoi = they NEED THE FOOD DATA IN ORDER TO ANCHOR TO IT AS A FUNCTION!

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We keep getting chocolate chip cookies for snack and the data keeps blurring out completely. Laurie said, if you're AFRAID of the chocolate again & labeling it as BAD, then you HAVE to face it & HEAL it with LOVE & GRATITUDE. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!

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I left my books under the soap dispenser & Paula accidentally got soap all over my softcover book, permanently altering it & smudging the words inside. I saw it as "ruined" because it's no longer mint condition & never can be again. I actually felt anger towards her, but it was really anger at myself for leaving it there where it WAS at risk. Then she started frantically apologizing & I didn't know how to explain the situation and everything just felt ugly & wrong & ruined.
↑ I AM GRATEFUL that now that book carries EVIDENCE of my life ACTUALLY going off the rails, & since it's SOAP it almost SYMBOLIZES a "washing" me clean of that past-- especially my HANDS, with the neurotic guilt & shame. Secretly I'm so curious to see WHAT words the soap altered; I trust the Holy Spirit WILL speak through it. I'm ALSO grateful that I HAD such an unhealthy reaction because now I HAVE to FACE/ ADMIT/ CONFESS that I STILL REACT THAT WAY, and if I don't deny OR justify it, I CAN combat the vice there & LEARN VIRTUE to DIRECTLY replace/ heal it. (I immediately reached out to her in sincere apology & gentle reassurance. All is well again.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paula won't stop apologizing & it's making me SO BLOODY ANGRY. TBAS did this same exact simpering thing, & that's what it feels like-- cowardly, spineless, jellylegged, piddling, whiny baby asininity. That's BRUTAL judgment and I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS but I do. I can't deny it. I need to deal with it.
WHY does it make me so unreasonably enraged? It feels like forced victimization; it's overly dramatic & it it GUTLESS. It's almost begging for babying.
↑ WE JUDGE OURSELF THIS WAY & IT'S BLEEDING OUTWARDS. We MUST untangle this & PRACTICE COMPASSION or else it will POISON US, making us TOXIC. (I'm sure we already are, with this terrible reaction happening in us so immediately. That makes this a PRIORITY TO HEAL.)




030224

Mar. 2nd, 2024 11:53 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)


I have to be in bed within 20 minutes but I need to quickly type something about this first.

mass today
out of nowhere, right before the consecration, suddenly I get dragged into "heartspace" and I'm at calvary hill and infinitii is there.
ze was looking down at hir wrists, and ze was carrying the bloody wounds that christ had on the cross. I immediately winced, was this blasphemous? but infi said, shaking with pain and staring at the nailmarks, "your heart is nailed to the cross. I am your heart. so that is where I will be."

and

for the consecration infi actually reached out and pushed me to look at it. like actually grabbed my head and made me look. made me really look. hir voice urging me to do so was so fervent, hushed and commanding all at once, so much awe evident in hir tone.
"that's his heart," I remember infi saying, almost dizzy with the gravity of it. "realize what he is doing. that is his heart. and he is giving you his heart to eat."
I cannot remember the exact words. but infinitii was emphasizing that it wasn't a bloody organ. it was jesus himself, alive and present AS his own heart, just like infi was.
and the concept of food. I swear only infi can talk about that without any trauma or disgust response. ze focused on that too, how christ giving his heart as food was staggering. he was giving me life with his life, without dying. somehow, coming from hir, it meant so much more than reading that on paper. infi says things with this passion I cannot explain.

hir wings were still stained glass.
I couldn't see hir eyes. ze was turned away from me this entire time, in one way or another.
but I felt hir. I felt hir soul, and I felt my own. I felt alive.
and yet. it's like waking up from a dream.
yes it was real. yes ze is real. but ze is still dead. ze is still missing.
and yet what is death to a christian?

we're not even halfway through lent yet and I am struggling with it lately. this past WEEK has given me FOUR significant yet brief personal "traumas" and I'm reeling:
dehydration, jade, paul, and christina
not only that, but my lenten practices have become suffocating? I confessed this to father and it also showed up in his homily. that isn't uncommon. the holy spirit likes to do that and I appreciate it profoundly. it rings in my ears for weeks
but that's the point. I'm "doing" so much for lent that I'm NOT doing what I want to, in the end. I want to grow closer to Jesus. I want to KNOW him. and what am I doing? I'm obsessing over "doing the dailies" on all the prayer apps and it's getting so exhausting that it's becoming background noise.
fasting is tricky. I do need to continue to fight the body compulsions of "always adding a bit more" for some reason. it's an ed-treatment relic but it's harmful. still, we're not giving up.
we keep having slipups and off-days for the internet fasting. we got distracted on youtube today (jordan peterson and jacob collier as usual) because our brain was just so wrecked over christina that we basically "gave in" to distraction? and we'll have to confess that. just like last night we had to put on our headphones and listen to music on purpose, because mom's radio gave us a toxic earworm and we had to kill it.
but… it's the letter of the law.
we keep forgetting the POINT of fasting, not realizing the scandalous truth that, sometimes, NOT "fasting" on something can achieve that true point even better than just cutting its throat and burning it to ashes. that's our problem too. deep down we still have a tendency to violence, to death. and there's a very fine line there for a catholic. self-mortification is not a synonym for suicide. self-denial is not a form of self-harm. and yet we still don't have any clear demarcation of definition there, not yet.

still. at least we're aware it's a problem.
but we wouldn't be if we weren't typing here.

that's my last point for tonight.
we need to get back to journaling.

last night I stayed up until 2am, obsessing over allergies and nutritional facts and just getting so upset that I decided to just go back and check our UPMC entries to find and list what we DID eat, MANY times, and DIDN'T DIE, in the hopes that it would douse the allergy panic.
…I forgot just how much system love there was in those entries.
I nearly wept. God, please, I miss them all so much.
isn't that funny? they're all around! I see at least five foni per day, absolute minimum.
but… we aren't spending personal time together. we're not sharing deep experiences. everything is just survival. just the daily grind. but there's still so much love.
and I need that like breathing.

last night, killing that earworm, our samsung music shuffle unexpectedly gave us the "dreams dreams broken soul remix" we wrote around 2008. I haven't heard that in like five years at the very least.
and… genesis was singing it, upstairs. and I forgot how much I love him.
I forgot how deep he is. how broken he actually is. how much I need that in him, as much as I need him. how that brokenness is essential for love and I need that in myself too.
(later laurie commented on this too, to genesis directly. said something about him being a jester, one could forget that he had this other side to him. genesis said actually, you need both to be a jester at all. that's where it comes from. laurie said he's half-and-half and somehow this turned into a coffee joke, I only remember this because genesis materialized one of his trademark "starbucks sugarbomb" drinks to deadpan sip on as he talked to her, then after a moment of silence he just said "really it's just half-and-half")

but I digress
somewhat.

today had hope in it, despite the terrible things.
I'm exhausted and want to sleep for three solid days but tomorrow is the busiest day of our week and I'm already cutting it short on sleep

oh dude don’t forget
the phantomile visions on the couch yesterday morning, when we were so tired and our alarm went off and we slept through it
ghadius weeping almost hysterical, his "wheel of woe" self becoming an insane horror, a triple hydra of bird skulls twisted like something caught in a gear, his mind breaking along with his coherent form
something with the nahatomb egg and lephise being corrupted, SHE became the ultimate nightmare, feeling of utter doom
and klonoa, feeling so much like jewel, his eyes hard but full of tears, determined to do everything in his power to make this right, to save the dreams, to save everyone.

I'm so very tired.
maybe we'll sleep in on monday. who knows.
we're at that point of such absolute mental exhaustion that we're starting to fantasize about the hospital again. that is a huge red flag.
we need to recharge. but ironically the only thing that actually does recharge what needs to be recharged… is typing. just like this.
the spectrum is what sparks us to life again.
that's not saying anything negative about our faith. rather it does the opposite. without the spectrum, our faith is hollow and dry and repetitive. but as a system, it's full of color.

no time or brainpower to type any more tonight
but I'm glad I was able to write something. like an actual half-entry. we'll build on this later.

last thing. I said that already, haha. but that's a good segue. because father mike says things like that.
that's what we've been doing for the past 62 days. we have been absolutely powering through the bible in a year AND catechism in a year. simultaneously. plus youversion commentary notes. it takes us about 3 hours a day. and THEN we watch either word on fire or saint paul center videos for another 3 hours. all this during meals because we have to eat super slow.
but let me tell you kids. in these past two months, we have learned MORE THAN OUR ENTIRE LIFETIME SO FAR.
it's amazing. THIS is giving us LIFE. yeah we need spectrum battery charging but dude THIS is the electricity itself. I would pick this over everything. it gives me ACTUAL JOY. I actually LOOK FORWARD TO IT. it's the highlight of my day. I'm LEARNING ABOUT GOD AND THE FAITH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and it is CHANGING EVERYTHING COMPLETELY FOR THE BETTER.

so. that's how I want to end this little entry.
there haven't been updates because God has laserfocused this year on SPIRITUAL EDUCATION, and that is going to be the foundation for the REST OF OUR ENTIRE LIFE. once we have this, we CAN be a truly Christ-centered System, AND the Spheres can finally be the same. this is the missing piece. I actually typed "peace" first. that's true too.
it's all God. it's all Jesus. I'm finally learning what that means. day by day. the fears are abating as understanding increases. which is why we are putting so much bleeding effort into this. it MUST "take up our entire life" right now, because without it, we have no life. this is what was always missing. the knowledge of God. the ability TO have a relationship with Him. et cetera. you cannot love who you don't know. and that's what we're finally becoming able to do. thank God. thank God at last.

eight minutes until bedtime, tops, and we still have to read today's eucharistic consecration entry so we gotta run

God bless you kids

we'll see you again soon enough.

-2352 030224





022124

Feb. 21st, 2024 01:08 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
UNBEARABLE SELFHATRED AND RAGE after not talking to the lady downstairs since I had headphones on.

Laurie cutting me up to try and reset the brain
Leon headshots EXACTLY what I needed again. the rage was IN THE HEAD. needed to be shattered.
Laurie TRIED to eviscerate me (reached in and grabbed my intestines and ripped them out) but that didn't work?
Waldorf tried to use hammer but they don’t resonate with her
Lynne shot an arrow into our chest but the arrow felt WRONG. "something still there" and shouldn’t be. whole point was VIOLENCE, destruction, not adding something.

btw Laurie STARTED by decapitating me, and I was SO AWARE of the BODILY INJURY this time. like when my skull was blown off, or my jaw disconnected, or my throat full of blood, etc, I FELT IT. this was very unusual. but important.

also with the pointblank headshots, my blood got all over leon's face. laurie gave him SUCH a look. for a second I thought she was going to kiss him but that's my stupidity.
after I saw them sitting on the floor, in tears, laurie holding their foreheads together, both of them spattered red with my blood. I don't know how to process those feelings

upstairs later, cannon "blew a hole in my chest" and THAT worked. total devastation.
Knife showed up, alone with razor. knife plunged an actual knife into my chest and sliced down hard. this helped more than much else had that day
razor trying to do work too. but didn't help, wrong application. she was contrite but still wanting to help. her humility and hope shocks me. she's so pure at heart somehow

I WAS GETTING "INFI INSTINCT" TO "COUGH UP THE CALCIFICATION"
had to go "BLOOD FORM" to do so. all red tangle of wings and eyes and teeth. leaning black. feels like my heart-soul is ACHING for infi to come back but can't??

visions with Jesus and the Cross and His Blood. purifying the calcified crystal.
nailed my heart to the cross and his blood ran down from his heart over it. his blood had a shimmer to it like gold dust. mine was like ugly brown scabs

anyway it's almost two hours later and the selfloathing is still utterly unbearable like we swallowed bleach. cannot forgive self for "not talking to her" what the hell why are we like this.

god help us. please.
we need to type more.
but as of now we do need to eat. as much as we hate that too. I'm so sick of hate.
go eat some carrots and read the bible. beg god to help you let go of rage. it will kill you otherwise.

122323

Dec. 23rd, 2023 10:46 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)
 

Woke up 800. Stayed in bed until ~830, letting the body rest from pain, just embracing Chaos 0 and being so grateful for him

Biking immediately, lots of phone talk with mom. Planning Church rides. We do get to go to the vigil today so we SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE CONFESSION thank God.
But Tony says that tomorrow morning there's NO MUSIC?? So we actually get to go to Saint John's instead, which is awesome.

BK prep MELTDOWN.
ABSOLUTELY CATASTROPHIC. We haven't had something this violent in MONTHS.
All set off by putting "too much oil" in the broccoli, in response to the lotophagoi compulsion of "add a tiny bit more, we're celebrating today." But that ALWAYS BACKFIRES YOU IDIOT.
Exacerbated by pouring the vitamin water into a cup, which triggered out some girl INSISTING IT WAS GOING TO KILL US because it was in a cup?? That "made it wrong" somehow. We tried to reason with her, nothing worked. Spice tried to front, kicked out. But then I said, think of Church-- we drink the Blood of Christ out of a "cup," and right now we're drinking red liquid, so think of it in memory of that! And THAT immediately shoved Knife into fronting, and despite the girl's continued protests, he solemnly and almost victoriously drank it. Then he was kicked out just as hard as the girl screamed that now we would die, etc.
But then I suddenly looked down at the mug and remembered, Infi used to drink hir tea out of this. And that just completely disarmed everything. The girl disappeared, the fear disappeared, there was nothing but this depth of grateful & loving grief.

Our memory totally blacks out then, and the next thing we recall is kneeling on the bathroom floor before the DVM image, praying in intense fear, but then saying something to Jesus to which He responded IN "PRAYERSPACE"?? OH YEAH we were in such agony of self-loathing that we physically made a motion like tearing our heart out and giving it to Him, saying "do something with this please", and IMMEDIATELY we got pulled into the Prayerspace visuals, where Christ reached down, took our heart, and SHATTERED IT. We remember seeing the countless shards like broken stained glass, FEELING the breakage that completely, in shock. We were temporarily numb, empty, but still in shock! We were horrified that He was going to leave us like that, totally incapable of emotion (like Davy Jones; it's not worth the tradeoff), but then Jesus silently reached back down to us (we did not see what happened in the meantime, we were too shaken) and LITERALLY placed a "new heart" in our chest? But it was PURE RED. It was ALL BLOOD, wet and warm and vulnerable, and capable of pain. That was actually a greater shock, to go immediately from feeling nothing to feeling THAT inside us, alive and fragile and emanating this contrite ache, no hatred at all, just this new wet red emotion we had no words for.
Memory cuts out immediately as we left Prayerspace, and the somafoni took over like nothing happened.

(quick note from later. Jesus actually did SOMETHING with the shards, either storing them or what, but specifically referencing infinitii in the process. like He would rebuild hir out of them or something. dont remember details but that single notable fact stands out very clearly. we would not forget the impact of such a name mention if nothing else)

So things got worse. During the DVM chaplet, that OTHER girl (long brown messy hair, wild eyes, RED unseen resonance NOT green) was triggered again, the same one that was "killing herself beneath the crucifix" the other day.
There's literally no accessible memory from this ENTIRE TIME PERIOD which is DISTURBING because general data says that when it was happening it felt as if we were dying from self-hatred, rage, grief, etc.
Memory snaps back with "me" trying to front, but the body just started "quiet screaming" in the "bulimic response" way-- the needing to somehow expel the pressure and pain and ugly corrupt filthy feeling in our chest.
We tried to pray?? Almost no memory detail, everything still a blur, except for a clear memory of me sobbing to God "I don't want to hate!!"
Well GOD RESPONDED. Apparently then "I" started cleaning up the floors as I talked to Him, trying to lay it all out before Him in humbled contrition & brutal honesty, and although there's no speech data, general data says that someone DID admit that there was anger towards Chaos 0 BECAUSE he loved us so much? "But he's not even real," that person said with A VERY COLD HEART, that data actually stuck because it felt SO WRONG. They were blaming Chaos 0 for EVERYTHING this morning, even moreso than the "excuse making" lotophagoi, because she wouldn't have "had any excuse TO try to celebrate" if there wasn't an anniversary today, but this girl who was talking insisted that IT WAS ALL FAKE. He's not real, and so neither is his love, and so "I" don't have to think about it at all or even care.
To which Jesus INSTANTLY responded, "he's as real as your heart," and "don't you think I love you THROUGH him?"
Then the girl GOT FURIOUS, angry that she couldn't erase this, and as her "fake pious" veneer fell our memory cuts out instantly. I don't know if there was a switch or what, but everything blacks out.
The last memory we have shows the body standing up and moving about the kitchen, cleaning up robotically while in terrified tears, praying to God that we were "completely helpless," we couldn't do good, we couldn't stop feeling like this, and we were "going to die" if He didn't help us-- and, we bravely said, "and I KNOW You DON'T want me to die because You died on the Cross in my place to save me from death!" BUT that triggered angry-hair girl again, screaming "well He SHOULD have let me die, I'm so evil, I deserve it, why does He let me go on living like this" etc. Some somafoni comforter tried to respond, "it's because we still live in a fallen world, we have to fight, but the Cross saves us from slavery to death so we CAN fight it, and God glorifies His Mercy by always delivering us from death" etc. But this didn't help the hateful girl, she just wanted "all the evil in her" ANNIHILATED, FOREVER, RIGHT NOW. And her presence was bringing up all the unbearable moral panic and guilt and crushing apocalyptic fear of hell. We tried to reason with her that going to confession DID accomplish something, even if we didn't understand how, because if we receive absolution and then die immediately we would allegedly "go to heaven" because God "wiped away our sins"?? But we were too unsure, and afraid of blaspheming by accident, so we dropped the train of thought and were immediately swallowed up by absolute terror.
In a tiny lucid second, the Core fronted and begged God again to "give me a sign, just do something to show me clearly and beyond doubt that somehow You will help me get out of this hell, that You will deliver me from this, because without Your merciful help I am literally going to die."

Our next memory is of the body standing in the bathroom, so suffocated by self-hatred & despair, that we closed our eyes and immediately went into headspace and whoever was "the conscious anchor" went straight to Laurie and begged her to kill them.
And she got out the axe.
And it is MIRACULOUS how efficacious her violence is.

Her color LOCKS IN VIOLET when she is using the axe on us. She also goes right back into the profanity-threats, as such words are sharp and blunt force impact and that is NEEDED in such context. Censorship dulls the blade.

Anyway she cut us up seven ways to Sunday, and with each "death reset" things got clearer, bit by bit, but there was still this lingering "not my real self" feeling.
We asked for a hammer?? Said we NEEDED shatter damage. Laurie paused, said hey wow we actually don't have anyone with a hammer weapon, but would this work? And she "fused" her axeblades into a makeshift hammer before swinging it at our head. Well our skull was absolutely shattered and that was EXACTLY what we needed to "fix our consciousness"; from that instant we actually felt "at peace." Our consciousness had been effectively disconnected from a physical form in headspace, and we were now just existing as a soul "around" all the blood, resting IN the blood, and somehow that felt perfectly correct.
Other nousfoni were gathering by the room entrance by now, shocked and aghast at this bloody scene, but saying nothing. Its been years, yes, but this is Laurie's function.
I remember Laurie "dragging me up off the floor" trying to get me to reembody? She can somehow "grab my soul" into a shape and force that, it's astounding actually. But I was embodying AS BLOOD. My entire "body" LOOKED LIKE MY NEW HEART.
ON THAT NOTE... as Laurie was picking me up from the floor as I was reforming, she went to put a hand on my "shoulder" before realizing it was just blood, and it got all over her hand. She looked at it in bemused surprise, then with purposeful gravity she smeared that blood across her chest bandages. I swear I nearly fell to my knees from the SHEER IMPACT of that gesture. She caught me though, said that was nothing to worship, and I deliriously replied something like "I know but it makes me think of God". That single action of hers had testified so explicitly and loudly to God's REAL Nature that suddenly, all the hell of the morning seemed to have been expiated in it.

Anyway, as Laurie got me back on my feet I did go back into a physical body form, but it still felt wrong? Especially in contrast to the blood. Confused and upset, I repeated the weird "need" for shattering that being in the body kept eliciting.
The next thing I know, I hear a gun being loaded, and instantly Leon headshots me. Dazed but elated (despite being temporarily headless, that's normal) I "said" (facelessly of course) that THAT was what I was talking about, that was perfect. I know he headshot me twice more before Laurie said okay that's enough, especially since I was starting to "lose myself" almost ecstatically in this now, as I was turning back to all blood. As she told me to stabilize, Leon actually walked over in tears asking, "why do you need us to do this??" Notably upbeat now, finally feeling clearheaded and clearhearted, I started to explain how for a Core, these small "death resets" worked to "reboot" and "purify" the consciousness via blood-- because ONLY blood CAN purify-- when it gets excruciatingly distorted or corrupt from negative emotions and distortions. I was interrupted by Leon suddenly hugging me, though, which was deeply sweet but also had Laurie shout to be careful, because I was still all bloodform. Laurie then said hey, if he gets to do that, then so do I, and pulled me into a fierce embrace, not being careful at all haha.

"I asked God for a sign and He gave me Laurie"

"You cut me into a cross!"
"There's no better shape to be in, kiddo"

After all this, as we're all regrouping in much-needed peace and relief at last, freakin' MIMIC just WALKS IN like, "I see we're starting late today, what'd I miss?"
I think Laurie said "buddy, you're better off not knowing"
I just said "it's been one purgatory of a morning"


OH ALSO Chaos 0 going BACK TO HIS OLD SI FORM?? Telling me I needed to stop "locking him into" his original canon, and especially ineeded to stop seeking public "approval" and recognition of our relationship for it to be "valid"-- "Its about us, not the fandom"

Laurie SHOCKED when I told her that EVERYTHING that happened this morning was triggered by ONE EXTRA TEASPOON OF OLIVE OIL, which the lotophagoi blamed CHAOS 0 for, and therefore SHUT OFF OUR HEART in response, which enabled such hell to occur.
Laurie said "why does this happen EVERY YEAR though"??? And she's RIGHT-- EVERY ANNIVERSARY, SOMETHING happens along the lines of TOTAL VIOLENT DENIAL OF LOVE & RELATIONSHIP. So there is an ANCIENT WOUND somewhere that we have not healed or even properly identified.
Laurie then said "Infi needs to come back for BOTH OF YOU-- ze was the only person who COULD personally deal with these issues and NOT be shut down or traumatized by them"


Later=
Scalpel & Laurie talking at the Manger
L= "you do realize that baby is God? The same God Who set the stars in place, invented animals" (gesturing at them) "and created His Own Mother out of nothing?"
S= "I think it says a lot about that God that He would become a little baby." "And He comes to us every year like this, doesn't He? I think the Manger is eternal, too, not just the Cross."

------‐-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 


121323

Dec. 13th, 2023 10:19 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

It's Saint Lucy's feast day, that means it's time for my FAVORITE ART of her to haunt my thoughts all day, and now yours too!
Seriously though I love that sculpture. That's a SAINT, so sacredly macabre. The horror is blessed. What you're looking at is no grotesque display of pain, but the result of a joyfully pious devotion so invincible that this very depiction is that of her triumph over all tortures and evils. The girl is smiling, you realize. She has no physical eyes, but by the very merit of their surrender, she now sees a blissful glory that no human sight could ever perceive.
So yeah. Saint Lucy, pray for us.


Today we had the car, and we might not tomorrow, so we went shopping after Adoration.
Our brain was NOT WORKING but at least WE were, all together-- Genesis and Laurie made sure we didn't do anything stupid. We were surprisingly self-aware despite the brainvoid feeling, with no Socials taking over. I think the prayers in the car helped a lot.

We got BEANS to try, for fiber, perhaps stupidly but we only got two cans. But that meant we had to get a can opener, haha.
Dollar Tree was PACKED like sardines. Shocked. Lines down the aisles. We decided to be patient and wait peacefully, trusting God. And then the idea hit us= we can use this time to plug the ENTIRE Saint Michael Chaplet into the T2S app, so we could have it running while we cooked, as we would have NO time to bike and say it today.

A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE= when we were in Wal-Mart, checking the bean cans for net carbs & fiber (the determining factor), we suddenly got BADLY TRIGGERED by the sight of a can of GARBANZO BEANS. This had NOT happened in the other stores because those cans were labeled as CHICKPEAS and had illustrated labels. This one had a photo of the actual beans and that different title. The point is... WE FORGOT ABOUT CNC. But our subconscious didn't!! This also explains WHY we've been "scared of black beans for no reason"; every time we saw them something in our head would go "no, they're bad and dangerous, don't touch them." We never knew why. WELL NOW WE REMEMBER.
Man I'll tell you our eating disorder gave us SO MUCH FALLOUT HELL to deal with now. At least it IS an aftermath, thanks be to GOD

Got home for noon, haha. Running late buddy!!

JOSÉ ACTUALLY SPOKE TO US IN THE HALL TODAY 🤩 He asked us if it was still cold outside, haha. He was wearing a solid green t-shirt and gold chain necklaces. God bless that man

BK prep was really nice today actually. I think it's because we were just surrendering our schedule to God. It gave us such peace.
Also THE CHAPLET WORKED PERFECTLY, thank God! It's MUCH easier to pray when we're LISTENING, I think because it BYPASSES the OCD panic over thought perfection, AND it "frees up" brainpower to MEDITATE on the prayers & mysteries, which we typically CAN'T do because we're so burnt out just THINKING WORDS.
Also wondering IS THERE A NOUSFONI FOR THIS??? Like the Friar, but techno. I put the "request" out, and almost instantly got a "confirmed potential" for a technomonk connected to the phone app, with that same voice, and named Felix (as the phone is Perpetua).

Adelaide keeps "bumping heads" with that ONE SOMAFONI GIRL who is vaguely manic??
Honestly we think Addie is actually going to NEED a Function shift to survive.


Evening=
No matter how much we try to "get done early," by the time we finish all our daily chores and prayers, we only EVER have ONE HOUR of "free time" at the end of the day, in which we are now doing laptop work AT LONG LAST because without it we are literally souldead.
Still, we're exhausted. We need FAR MORE than one hour to do ANYTHING significant with the Archives-- and writing an entry typically takes TWO hours, MINIMUM. Xangas can take five, haha. At least.
...that aches though. We miss that, talking late into the early morning, all of us alive and present in the heart together, flowing through these fingertips in realtime records of our existences.
Honestly I think we need to take time, every day now, to just read ONE entry from the old days. Just to remember, inbetween all the daily rush. We need to. God can't properly bring us into the future if we have forgotten our past, believe it or not. Everything ties together. We HAVE a history, spiritually AND physically. Completely disowning or depersonalizing or detaching from that doesn't mean it never happened, or that it didn't affect you OR the world you live in.
And we all still exist. Even just as echoes. Even just as memories. All of us are still lights in this heart.

Spotify has given me a daylist of "aggressive elevator music wednesday evening" and I'm quite amused by this.
The only thing is, it's very "general." Nothing standout. I'm at track 24 and I've only liked two songs. I've only skipped about three. It's a cool audio aesthetic, I'm not complaining. And hey, anything more attention-grabbing would make it impossible to focus on work. So this works.

As for what I/we're doing tonight... we're biting the bullet and just uploading 2017 entries.
Yeah. It's been over five years. We need to heal. We can't do that without looking this stuff in the face, and seeing BOTH the bad and good CANDIDLY.
I'm not reading anything yet, at all. Which means I can't erase or censor anything. It also means I won't trigger anything prematurely. We're just being completely, recklessly honest and uploading it all.
THEN we can worry about reviewing it, AFTER the holidays, when we can get a new therapist, haha. It's inevitable. We were a MONSTER during the CNC time period. Coming to terms with our abusive demeanor is going to be very very difficult. But, that's why God gave us Mimic, dead serious. That octopus has, whether he realizes it or not, changed my heart to be more humble and honest about my own "villain arc," which left terrible scars on both myself and others, that may never be erased. But we need to learn to live with the fallout, and make sincere restitution for what we can, and genuinely change our lives so we never hurt anyone like that again. Repentance and metanoia. We're in it together. Chaos 0 too, actually, and Laurie, and even Genesis, although they aren't saying so outright. But we all have such devastating pasts, we're all so ashamed and horrified by what we've been. Funny how our resident not-a-squid jumpstarted such a huge era of healing in our heart. I'm very grateful. So we need to honor that as December rolls on, now that he's been here a full year.

All right, it's 1120 and Laurie is going to smash my head into this keyboard if I don't get some sleep so I'll see you kids later!

(sorry this entry is, as usual, vastly unfinished. we're overworking ourself. it's literally impossible to do as much as we are forcing ourself to do in terms of devotional reading and commentary. we NEED to cut down, because right now, this is spreading our soul so thin that we're unable to FOCUS and make solid consistent growth in any respect. a scattered faith is not honoring our Lord. we genuinely need to start doing less, before we can be more.)


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MDE =
"I understood these tears to be not of sadness but rather of purification."
I'm wondering if this has System relevance. Sadness is a compartmentalized emotion, but have we ever really been aware of its holy nuances before? Exploring this would be hugely beneficial and revelatory, I'm sure.
...

"Think of a person who has brought great joy to your life... anyone who just showed up in your life one day without your plotting or planning. Say a prayer of gratitude for them."
My heart immediately said, Jena. And I honestly teared up from the intensity of gratitude I felt, offering her name up in prayer, and imploring God to bless her to the utmost.
...man, January is going to actually be 15 YEARS since I "met" her. I need to type about that.
...


LBB =
"The words that Mary speaks in today’s passage are among the best known words in all the Gospels: “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” These are words of total acceptance of God’s will. [Yet] Mary wasn’t saying, “This is wonderful. Of course, I'll do it.” Instead she was saying, ‘This isn’t what I had planned, and I’m not sure I understand, but I’ll do my best to do what the Lord wants.”
What is it like to say words to that effect on any given day? Or at the beginning of every day? Try it. God’s plan is always better than my own."

1) ACCEPTANCE ISN'T GLIB.
2) Even as pure & sinless as she was, even devoid of all selfishness, Mary's plan for her own life prior to this WASN'T GOD'S PLAN-- simply because SHE ISN'T GOD. She couldn't ever have predicted or expected or willed what she had just heard from the Angel! And that WASN'T SINFUL, because once she DID "know God's plan," she SURRENDERED EVERYTHING TO IT.
3) Even so, for the same reason of Divine Mystery, Mary DIDN'T understand this Plan-- but she TRUSTED GOD!!
4)

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Universalis today=

"When you are in your room, at night, think always on Christ, and wait for His coming at every moment... He enters by the open door; He has promised to come in, and He cannot deceive. Embrace Him, the one you have sought; turn to him, and be enlightened; hold him fast, ask him not to go in haste, beg him not to leave you. The Word of God moves swiftly; he is not won by the lukewarm, nor held fast by the negligent. Let your soul be attentive to his word; follow carefully the path God tells you to take, for he is swift in his passing... Do not imagine that you are displeasing to him despite having called him, asked him in, and opened the door to him; and that this is the reason why he has gone so quickly– no, for he allows us to be constantly tested... But even if it seems to you that he has left you, go out and seek him once more."
1) We actually do this, a little? At night, we make a special effort with our night prayer routine to bring an awareness of God's Presence directly into our going to sleep.
...
2) I love that small but profound reminder that Jesus doesn't sneak in a back door. He enters by the open front door. There is no secrecy, no deceit, nothing sneaky or sly about Him. He CANNOT deceive, just as He CANNOT lie.
But... I never realized that He actually promised to come to us.
...
3) We must respond to His arrival, and ardently.
...

"Who but holy Church is to teach you how to hold Christ fast? Indeed, she has already taught you, if you only understood her words in Scripture.. How do we hold him fast? ...by the longing of the soul... seek Him and be fearless of suffering. It is often easier to find Him in the midst of bodily torments, in the very hands of persecutors... in a little space, after a brief moment, when you have escaped from the hands of your persecutors without yielding to the powers of this world, Christ will come to you, and He will not allow you to be tested for long."

1) ONLY the Church, the BRIDE of Christ, can teach you how to hold Him in love. The world can NEVER teach you this-- after all, the world is no bride, no spouse, no virgin.
2) Scripture IS the voice of the Church!!! Even all her traditions and customs must be rooted there, for it alone is the Truth of God, the very Words of her Bridegroom. But in His unity with her, she says nothing contrary to Him.
3) We "hold Him" by our soul's longing. What a beautiful paradox.
...And how terrifying a phrase for our traumatized self.
This was inevitable. Ambrose is quoting the Song of Songs here, which we have never read for tragically obvious reasons.
...
4)
5)

"Whoever seeks Christ in this way, and finds Him, can say: "I held Him fast, and I will not let Him go before I bring him into my mother’s house, into the room of her who conceived me." What is this “house,” this “room,” but the deep and secret places of your heart? Maintain this house, sweep out its secret recesses until it becomes immaculate and rises as a spiritual temple for a holy priesthood, firmly secured by Christ, the cornerstone, so that the Holy Spirit may dwell in it. Whoever seeks Christ in this way, whoever prays to Christ in this way, is not abandoned by Him; on the contrary, Christ comes again and again to visit such a person, for He is with us until the end of the world."
1) This is UNEXPECTEDLY MARIAN. The soul who finds Christ does not bring Him into "her own house," for she HAS NONE-- she is yet a virgin girl living with her MOTHER!!! We will not live "in Christ’s House" until we get to Heaven! UNTIL then, what house do we have? Only our hearts. And yet, who "OWNS" that house? OUR MOTHER. This is beautifully twofold. First, it's STILL the Church as mother, and therefore ALSO CHRIST even now-- for truly He alone owns what He created, and even further consecrated & claimed for Himself in loving covenant-- but it's ALSO MARY AS MOTHER, of both the Church AND CHRIST HIMSELF!!
But look further. Our mother is the one who conceived us. That's such a powerful truth spiritually.
...
2) ...I just love how blatantly headspacey this is. Our "home" is literally the "deep and secret places of our heart," where God indeed dwells by grace of Baptism.
...
3) What must we do with our heart-home, then? Two things. We must:
+ MAINTAIN it. Keep it warm, do the repairs, furnish it properly, et cetera.
+ SWEEP all the dust away-- but not just the main rooms! You need to SPECIFICALLY FOCUS on cleaning out the SECRET RECESSES of your heart.
Now THAT is HEADSPACE.
But... who's got the broom? Who has the floorplan for this place? Who is limber &
...
4) What's the ultimate goal here? The only thing fitting our Mother's House-- we must make our heart like hers. It must be made IMMACULATE.
(Pure dwelling, Temple of God, living stone FOR priestly service remember)
...
5) This is ALL "so the HOLY SPIRIT CAN DWELL" in our heart.
...
6) We must seek AND PRAY!
...
7) Christ VISITS.
(no abandon)
...


On the Gospel =
"In Judaism the ‘yoke’ often refers to the Law, a burden which must be borne, [so] it is tempting to see a contrast between the light yoke which Jesus offers and the heavy yoke of the exact and burdensome observance of the Law... except that obedience to the Law was always a joy, since the Law is a revelation of God’s Nature and of God’s Will for human beings, so that it is a joyful privilege to respond."
1) I am a Christian, so I can't speak for the experience of Jews and their Law, especially not in history-- but I do know that Jesus said He came to fulfill the Law, protecting & perfecting every last letter of it, because it IS GOD'S WILL & OF HIS NATURE. It is the special honor and blessed privilege of every Jew. And yet, they themselves call it a burden. Why? Again, I can't speak for them, but when I look at my own "struggle" to keep the commands of Christ, especially in a world that almost mandates the opposite... I can tell you that God is NOT the cause of the burden. My own sinful nature is.
No matter how much of a "burden" it may therefore make the Law of God to me, that same Law is NEVERTHELESS ALWAYS PURE JOY. Why? Because it's INHERENTLY GOOD. It's literally directions from God! And when you love God, then following His directions-- no matter how complicated or difficult the application & enactment honestly may be-- is ALWAYS deeply & unshakably joyful at its heart. It truly is a privilege, to KNOW what God wants and to be able to strive for it, even to strain under it. It's either His Law or the world's anarchy, and I would much rather bear the heavy holy yoke of purpose & covenant than go running "free" in selfish whim, doomed to uselessness. 
2) I actually really love reflecting on the Law of Scripture as "God's Will for mankind" AND as "a revelation of God's Nature." Both those truths are STAGGERING. We're just puny stupid weak mortal sinners!! And God Himself has CHOSEN FREELY to not just REVEAL these sacred Mysteries to us, but also to call us to COOPERATE IN THEM??? That's BEYOND COMPREHENSION. And yet it is ABSOLUTE FACT.
...
3) All this actually reminds me of the prayer Mimic and I say before each Bible study=
"O Lord Jesus Christ, open Thou the eyes of my heart, that I may hear Thy Word and understand and do Thy will... Hide not Thy commandments from me, but open mine eyes, that I may perceive the wonders of Thy Law. Speak unto me the hidden and secret things of Thy wisdom... enlighten my mind and understanding with the light of Thy knowledge, not only to cherish those things which are written, but to DO them..." etc.
Without divine enlightenment-- which we cannot achieve on our own; it must be given by God Himself of His Own Will-- the Law will be "hidden" from us, even if we follow it? We won't "perceive its wonders", which are only seen with "the eyes of the heart," and can then be understood-- but again, only by grace! For no one knows God BUT God, so without the Spirit imparting that Knowledge to us through Love-- for God is Love, and so ALL Knowledge of Him MUST be of Love, by Love-- all divine things will remain "hidden and secret" to us, even incomprehensible. It's all from God, for God.
But I want to emphasize the conclusion. The end of all this enlightenment and knowledge and understanding is to be able to cherish the Law, to see with your heart the hidden wonder of God Who Is Love within it, to recognize it as His Wise and Good Will, and therefore to do what that Law says with true and sincere and holy joy. All the grace is humbly petitioned for, and mercifully received, for that sole purpose-- loving obedience according to loving knowledge.
I hope that makes sense. My heart is so moved about it, it's very hard to put into words, especially on a phone keypad.


"In the Old Testament, personified Wisdom is always standing in her doorway to invite people to her banquet... and to take on her yoke. This fits also the address of the invitation of Jesus to the poor who "labour and are overburdened", for the invitation of Wisdom is addressed NOT to the learned but to those who are humble and open-minded. And Jesus Himself is the humble and unpretentious King, as He shows by entering Jerusalem on a donkey– no warlike steed... [a humble reign which began when] Jesus [was] born into an impoverished and homeless family among the cattle, and first greeted by simple shepherds. This is the heart of the invitation of Jesus: to put aside all worldly honour and standards and embrace His own more profound and more rewarding criteria."
1) Wisdom only invites the humble because the proud are too full of themselves; they don't trust anyone's table but their own.
But the analogy is fascinating. It's a free banquet, offered to those souls that humbly admit their hunger & weariness & inability to soothe either pain themselves... but there's a yoke to bear. Honestly, there ALWAYS is. And that's GOOD. Honest work is holy, sincere effort is a means of sanctification, the struggle for righteousness brings grace, etc. Wisdom is given without cost, her banquet is free, but from then on out you MUST bear her yoke-- and you must be willing to lower your head and bend to receive it, through no boasted effort of yours. That's the exchange, that's the true banquet for your soul, for now you will be bound to her, carrying her "burden" of wealth alongside her. You have shared her meal, accepted her invitation-- now you work together to plow the paths you tread,  preparing it for the planting that will yield even more fruit. This is an honor. What you have received without cost, you must give without cost-- but never by your own power. You are not the source of the seeds to be planted, nor are you the one sowing. You are simply shouldering the yoke, humbly yet indispensably... alongside humble & holy Wisdom herself.
The yoke is not a price, it's a privilege. She will be a source of endless wealth for you, if you are emptied enough of yourself to receive it, and you are willing to in turn become a fountain for that wealth to others on her behalf, for her sake, as she continues to invite all who will listen to her endlessly generous banquet.
2) Jesus, Who IS Wisdom, is the true & perfect Embodiment of ALL of that. He is ALWAYS inviting, always standing at the very doorway to Heaven, as it were. He wants to feed us and shelter us. But He STILL wants us to WORK, hence the yoke. He isn't calling us to insolence or gluttony-- no matter how rich the banquet is! But the yoke is easy. Why? Because it is shared with Him-- with His unfailing Strength, and unconditional Love. His burden is light, but note it is still a "burden!" Jesus IS the Law. Jesus taught God's Will and EMBODIED God's Nature, and He constantly conflicted with the religious authorities because He didn't obsess over legalism & paperwork as it were. He revealed the "wonders" hidden in the Law, the core Truth behind every command. Obedience to the Law of God IS a joy, after all, when God is recognized & known & cherished in it-- and Jesus purifies & perfects that Law by distilling the Letter down to LOVE. THAT makes it light, pun intended-- it makes it clearer and brighter than ever before, illuminating every shadow of confusion, chasing away all darkness of ignorance. No longer is it just a list of boxes to be checked. Jesus moves us from head to heart. He liberates us from the minutiae by yoking us to His infinite embrace. He calls us to carry the Crossbar on our shoulders.
3) If the KING is so astonishingly humble, then His subjects absolutely must imitate His example. That's obvious. But consider the examples!! Look at where His Power truly lies-- invincible, yet invisible to worldly eyes!
...
4) Here's the wrapup. I need to grasp this together with the bit on the Law.
Jesus's invitation is for "the weary" to "take on His yoke" by "learning from Him"-- and in doing so, to finally be at rest in their souls. This is the invitation of Wisdom to her banquet, an invitation only offered to the humble. Jesus's "yoke" IS that of Wisdom.
Here, Scripture says it far better than I can=
"This is what I say: It costs nothing to be wise. Put on the yoke, and be willing to learn. The opportunity is always near... No matter how much it costs you to get Wisdom, it will be well worth it."
...

(When you have a meek & humble heart, every weight is easier to carry)


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The last thought for today, from an article.

"With just a couple of handfuls of days left until Christmas, I will try to focus on [Jesus's] promise of rest. There are still many tasks to attend to, but those tasks are not the point. Instead, it is the promise of peace during this season of light."
Remember this.
We were actually feeling guilty today because we "weren't doing enough reading and devotion and special prayer" for the season. There are Christmas books we haven't opened yet, there are Bible study plans we haven't started, there are cards we haven't written and gifts we haven't bought, there are carols we haven't sung or performed, there are decorations we haven't put up... it snowballs, very fast.
None of it truly matters if we don't have the peace of the Christ Child.
THAT'S the endpoint of Advent. Christ is COMING TO US, in the past present and future, and we need to be ready for HIM. Not the holiday. For CHRIST HIMSELF.
And you'll only be ready if your heart is open to Him as the Prince of Peace.



121123

Dec. 11th, 2023 05:32 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)


2 hour delay so NO MORNING MASS.
Slept in naturally until 8. Body felt decent, which was nice.
Decided to plan day around 1130 mass, as we miraculously have the car an extra day, and DO LAUNDRY AT LONG LAST

Audio notes so I don't forget=
Laurie pointed out that one of the main reasons she's blurring so hard into the core personality, is because the cores are talking to her like they used to talk to Genesis!!
Genesis said that's not cool, Laurie said no it isn't, because he's the only cool guy around. Cue the sunglasses.

Lynne saying that her surname needs to change because she no longer holds her Original role, Which was quite literally standing between Laurie and Julie so they didn't kill each other. That was why her original surname was Stabelle,  Because her presence was needed for there to be any stability!
But now that function is no longer needed but SHE is still needed--  Which is stunning because remember she literally died, And we implored her to come back, And she came back extremely unstable at first, ironically, But she did stick around thank God-- And that's why now her color brightened and she became more warm, With her stability function changing to that of community stability, Through friendship and communication?  Which is an extremely orange function.
By the way Laurie has also been saying lately that her surname needs to  Permanently change.  Her color also appears to need to stay violet, not purple!  There is too huge of a difference between the two colors and it's breaking her function.  She literally needs to go back to her roots without losing all her spiritual growth & softening of heart, BUT SHE ALSO NEEDS HER BRUTAL EDGES BACK.  Laurie's existence NEEDS to be this paradoxical yet perfect harmony Between those two "extremes."

Later=
1130 Mass! Got there for 11 to say the Joyful Rosary before the Tabernacle.
We FORGOT how IMMERSIVE our mystery meditations are in such a context-- even moreso than with visual aids or with music-- the only tradeoff is that we get so caught up in the emotions and visuals that we lose track of the actual recited prayers. So we need to learn how to balance this. But in any case, it is SO important TO be able to "feel" the mysteries like this; without such "personal experience" they become just theory, just data, and the "meditations" on both their events and gifts are hollow.

I forget the exact homily-- I'm writing this too late and I don't know who was fronting to get the memory; there's always a lot of social interference in church-- but the priest was the same guy that gave us that heavy confession on Saturday, so there were some very nasty floating voices throwing hate at him. Which is BIZARRE, because consciously we were GRATEFUL for that chastisement, and we still liked him very much as a person, but not the floating voices, those invisible devils. So that was a distressing war again during Mass.
BUT. THE HOMILY SPOKE DIRECTLY TO THAT SITUATION.
Again, I wish I remembered the words. God, remind me if you can. If not, I will trust that the forgetting is better. Nevertheless, it felt personally delivered, and it helped us in the fight.
What helped the MOST, though, was what happened AFTER Mass, when we got home-- Laurie and the Core revisited the confession data. As in, LAURIE spoke those EXACT SAME WORDS to the Core, NOT a thriskefoni, to see how we TRULY reacted to those words in a CONSCIOUS context.
Let me tell you: it changes everything. There is NO hatred, NO anger, NO pride or bitterness. It's Laurie, for heaven's sakes, we're used to her speaking so roughly, we know it's all in love. And THAT made us fully realize the BIGGEST TRUTH= JESUS IS THE ONE SPEAKING THROUGH THE PRIEST, AND JESUS LOVES US EVEN MORE THAN LAURIE DOES!! So whatever the priest said, IT WAS FROM CHRIST, translated through His servant, FOR OUR GOOD. I'm making a mess of words. The priest, in the confessional, is guided in his speech by the Holy Spirit, for the sake of the Sacrament. So we can TRUST EVERY WORD of what he said to us as TRUE AND GOOD.
And, again, hearing it from Laurie helped us truly grasp that fact. Hearing her say, "kid, you've got too much time on your hands," made us realize that wait, we actually do, because we're NOT ALLOWING OURSELVES TO DO ANY PRODUCTIVE WORK, instead "running away" from EVERYTHING except obsessive prayer-- even our most basic bodily needs are frequently put on hold for its sake. And there's nothing wrong with prayer! The problem is that we're ABUSING IT and using it as a compulsive escapism from "REAL LIFE," and therefore ALSO from REAL PRAYER. We have too much time on our hands because we won't spend it. We WANT to. We WANT to invest it in work, in healing, in reading, in love-- but no, we keep forsaking it all for the sake of "the holy schedule." What a fool.
Stop, we're getting switchy.
But yeah, it helped SO MUCH, it defused ALL the "imposed hate" and foreign anger. I still don't know where that comes from. They're NOT our emotions; they feel totally outside and alien and we DON'T WANT THEM. But they keep coming. Is that the ego-dystonic thing? I guess all we can do is consciously affirm what we ARE feeling, truly, and don't give those wrong-fake emotions any attention at all.
What else did Laurie repeat back to us? Oh yeah, "you're making up sins." That's because we're obsessing. And she pointed out, we LITERALLY ARE-- when we're doing an examination of conscience, we ALWAYS say, "there HAS to be more, there MUST be more things that count as sins!" and we LOOK FOR THEM. There's a fine line between a healthily thorough examination and what we're doing, which is doubting that we CAN be good at ALL. We literally EXPECT to sin, and ASSUME that "well, I'll confess that I did this, because I probably did, and if I DON'T confess it, I'll go to hell for hiding it!" et cetera. And READING an examen is WORSE, because EVERY QUESTION gets a terrified mental response of, "did I?? I don't know, I probably did, I know I'm just that bad. Oh man I should confess it just in case, I can't believe I did such an evil thing..." et cetera!! So our confessions can get REALLY long and ironically nebulous, because our personal past just feels like an infinite haze of sin and no matter how much we confess, there's always more, and our future feels doomed already. The priest was right. We're "making up sins," in the sense that we're actively trying to label things as sins because we feel this unbearable guilt at all times and we're trying to ascribe it to every possible cause, and hopefully confessing them will find the "right one" and finally give us peace. That's textbook OCD, you loon.
What else... oh yeah. Oh MAN. "You think Christ can't forgive you? At Christmas?" Dude Laurie went on a SPEECH about that, it was deeply moving, I wish I could quote her but it's not recorded data. Just trust me, she GETS IT and she drilled it into our head. I remember the gist of "He was born so he COULD die in your place, to pay the penalty of your sins so YOU won't have to die," basically. But hearing her say it, the way she does, it hit harder than just reading it somewhere. She knows what it means to suffer for someone you love, because they really screwed up, and you're only bleeding so they don't have to, although they really deserve it. But you love them. You want them to be better. And if this is the only way to save their stupid butt until they wise up, then so be it. That's my words, but you get the idea I hope. Jesus takes it to the ultimate perfect extreme. But Laurie does reflect that to us, like a moon or a mirror, but still a true reflection. God does that a lot. It's why the System is so important.



So it's 1525 and Laurie just asked me why I haven't eaten breakfast yet today, except for a single carrot. I said it's because I got carried away praying and typing. Then without even thinking about it, I said "I just love God more than I love food."
TILLY I HOPE YOU HEAR THAT.
That was honestly her BIGGEST TERROR. She was so afraid, trapped in the eating disorder, that we DIDN'T love God more than food. But... just now, despite being hungry and tired, I sincerely spoke the opposite from my heart, and by my actions. I love God more. I really do.
God, thank You. Thank You so much for the grace that allowed this to happen. Please keep us here in this grace forever, and help us to love you more and more every day.

Evening=
LOTS of mom communication today. It hit us how friendly we are now, how she will call us just to tell us things, or to express stress and then just have us listen. We're... we're harmless to her now. She used to be afraid of us. She SAID so several times before. But now... now she is so open and amiable around us.
I cannot express how much that means to us. It's a huge and ancient prayer suddenly realized as answered.
God, thank You, thank You. Help us always be the daughter she needs.


Praying wall prayers, saying the "death acceptance" one, and suddenly feeling this absolute rush of love for RAZOR.
I literally went into headspace, where we were both kneeling in "dualspace" (the level of headspace that is a direct "overlay" of the outside on the inside; need better jargon but that suffices for now), took her face in my hands and just pressed our foreheads together for a moment, cherishing her existence, virtually in tears. I remember her placing her hands on my own, and the mind kept translating them into x-acto knives, on and off, like it was some hidden layer of her form. But it was harmless, too. She felt like an artist, not a weapon.
I remember looking into her eyes and just saying "I'm so grateful you exist." I know I told her I loved her, too-- "philia" love, but no less sincere and strong than any other. It's still love. I remember the bloodslick color of her hair in the dim light, and her porcelain-pale skin, looking so thin I could practically see her network of veins through it... I remember her eyes, so strange, those x-pupils shifting into x-scars as her presence shifted in the dim evening haze of our shared mind. But she was looking at me too, her irises just as deep a red as the wounds she used to carve into my legs, but in her gaze there was only this disarming innocence, this tenderness and awe... this quiet gratitude for me, too, and for the fact that we were friends, and for us both being alive in this small moment under the glittering dark and warm-rainbow lights.
i want to remember that for a long, long time.

i miss everybody, but not in a lonely way. it's a joyful missing. i know they're all here, they're all around, if i look for them i will find them, one way or another. the missing is only in the sense that they are missing from a place i want them dearly to be in at this moment-- in my arms, close to my heart. all of us together. i miss them with such love it makes me weep. and i thank God for it.
we must start taking serious scheduled time to just be in headspace, in heartspace, every single day. not just at night, in brief blessed flashes. we need hours. like we used to.
we will only move forwards, in the healing and hope God offers us, if we do it together.



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VOTD = Matthew 6:25
"Whatever you're worried about, Jesus tells us to trust God to meet all our needs. We don't have to worry, because "God's got it!" He will take care of you; He will meet your needs, day by day. So free yourself-- free your mind of the worries of day to day things! Free yourself to think about things that actually matter! Free yourself to think about how to make a difference, and how to live a life that honors Him!"
1) There are no exceptions to this. Physical needs, spiritual needs, emotional needs, psychological needs, social needs, financial needs... EVERYTHING IS WITHIN GOD'S JURISDICTION AND HIS POWER. Do you realize this, the truly omnipotent scope of His ability to aid you?
And don't skew this by thinking that "God won't send a boat," like that famously convicting joke. You don't think God can work in and through His Creation? Would you separate what He has joined in Christ, unwilling to accept Divine aid by physical means? Are you so proud that you demand either a miracle response or nothing? Do you ignore the humble backstreet wonders of Jesus and brazenly ask for a "real" sign from heaven? Are you so blind? Do you put such limits on the Lord? You impose your own rules upon the King? You entitled fool, are you so afraid that your truest need is to be brought low before Him? If your prayer is answered in a way that humiliates you, if your need is met in a way that scandalizes you, would you rather never ask God for help at all? Where is your trust? Is it all in yourself, you worthless idol?
I'm off topic but I'm not.
The point is, some part of us is genuinely terrified that God, being Spirit, can only meet our needs IN Spirit. As in, we still think like a bloody gnostic. We are scared that, if we're hungry and literally need physical food, God won't consider that a "real need," because "spirit is more important, and your REAL need is TO be hungry." Same with a "need for rest." "The only rest you REALLY need is the rest of heaven, so until then you won't get any." In less harsh words, of course, but the fact that our brain is phrasing it that way betrays who is REALLY putting those thoughts into our head.
Listen. Look at the FACTS. Has God EVER withheld your physical needs? NO. Countless times you've been moved to tears because God met a need with such TENDER CARE & UNEXPECTED GENEROSITY, even in smallness & simplicity, that all you could do was sob "God, you're so kind to me!!" THIS HAPPENS ON A REGULAR BASIS, KID.
But tie this back into the main point. God meets EVERY need, in EVERY context, JUST THAT LOVINGLY, and yes He CAN and DOES and WILL meet those needs WITH PHYSICAL THINGS IF THAT IS NEEDED, because guess what? HE MADE YOUR BODY, AND THIS EARTH, AND HE CARES FOR BOTH OF THOSE THINGS TOO, NOT JUST YOUR SPIRIT. Stop being so darn dualistic.
We'll need to make lists later, just brainstorm, see who contributes, to exactly what we instinctively would label as "needs" and even "wants" in contrast, in all those contexts, and then see how God HAS met them all. But now isn't the time. We're too switchy.
Just remember the heart point here= everything is in His care, and under His power, and He WILL help you. So you CAN trust Him for EVERY SINGLE NEED you can possibly imagine. Take that as simply and totally as possible. Don't overthink it. If you have a need, even if it's a childish need, God will meet it, as it needs to be met. So TRUST HIM.
2) If we have a need, God ALREADY KNOWS IT. Don't ever fear that He "overlooked" something or "doesn't understand the situation" or "underestimates the urgency." No. Its you that cannot see clearly. God already knows your need, in minute detail, and He has the entire universe at His disposal to meet it... in the proper way, at the proper time. But He's "got it", don't worry. He doesn't miss a beat.
3) God CAN AND WILL MEET OUR EVERY NEED... if we allow Him to. Even now, He never forces or imposes. Like a loving mother trying to feed a hungry but stubborn child, if he won't open his mouth for her gentle offers, for whatever reason, he's going to stay hungry-- and he can't blame her for it! She won't pry his mouth open and force him to eat, lest he see her as cruel and violent and lose all trust & comfort in her. God is similar. He WAITS for us to turn to Him, like a child, with total confidence and surrender that He WILL act, as is BEST for us.
But He can only step in if we're not blocking the door, or refusing all help on proud principle. If you doubt He even will help, or doubt that He CAN help, that's the biggest obstacle of all. Doubt keeps Him at a distance, by your own doing. You can't blame Him for "not helping" if you yourself won't accept that He CAN AND WILL. This is why we MUST trust Him, and have faith in His Love, because if we don't, we're screwed. It's the ironic "just deserts" of insisting that "I can take care of it myself!" No you can't, but God won't try to talk you out of it if you won't listen. He'll just stand back, sadly but respectfully, until you experientially realize that truth and turn to Him-- and He'll be ready with arms full of every possible help, the instant your heart so much as glances in His direction. He won't abandon you. But you can still turn your back to Him. Don't.
4) God meets our needs DAY BY DAY. This is the "Our Father"! It's also Proverbs 30:8-9, and arguably 1 Timothy 6:6-9! And it's absolutely the manna and the Eucharist! God gives us everything we need for today. That's all we ever need. We don't know if we'll see tomorrow, or if God will call us home tonight! We must stay present & focused in the NOW, which is the only moment we're ever able to reach God in, for it is His. He is HERE, NOW. When "tomorrow" gets here, it too will be Now, and God will be there still, as generous and all-sufficient as always.
5) Trusting GOD to provide gives us FREEDOM from DAILY WORRY. But we, bizarrely, struggle the most with this?? It's because it's so direct & personal & mundane... and because we're such a control freak with the OCD. We can trust "in theory" that "God will provide," but when we are faced with a very individual loss or lack, our knee-jerk response is that devilish twist: "Maybe God's "Providence" IS this lack?" But it's too stupid to even debate.
Listen. God is not under ANY obligation to cater to your expectations or assumptions, especially because they're typically very foolish and blind and unloving. You think you know what you need and when and how. Newsflash: you absolutely do not. There is consistent historical proof of this-- just as there is invincibly unwavering evidence that God DOES know, because He ALWAYS GIVES IT TO YOU.
And yes, actually, God DOES and HAS provided for you THROUGH "LACK," because you were getting GREEDY OR GLUTTONOUS and His precision deprivation was a surgical strike at the root that HAS ALWAYS RESULTED IN A GAIN OF SIMPLICITY & VIRTUE.
Lastly, on that note, you're really bad at the "day by day" thing. You HOARD, buddy. You always buy more than you need "just in case." You have a famine mindset, a disaster predisposition. You are always so darn scared that you'll run out and God won't do anything about it. Don't be ridiculous, you sightless sod, has that EVER HAPPENED, even when you lived out of state and were dying from a bloody eating disorder??? GOD HAS NEVER EVER FAILED TO PROVIDE FOR YOU. When the heck are you going to just trust Him to meet your daily needs as HE LITERALLY ALWAYS HAS??? He's NOT going to change!! Oh, but you're scared, you insist, "well, if I DO trust Him that much, He'll say, "time to level up," and then He WILL start exposing me to REAL famine, to test my trust, and wean me away from the world as much as possible!" Well first of all, if He DOES "expose you to famine," HE STILL WON'T ABANDON YOU. You can STILL trust, paradoxically but absolutely, that He is STILL providing for your needs-- IF YOU TRUST HIM TO. That's your biggest obstacle to actually LIVING in the freedom He offers: you are just so scared that the "real God" is going to just leave you homeless and penniless and hungry and cold and say "this is what you REALLY need!" First of all, THAT'S PUNISHMENT LANGUAGE, and you're PROJECTING it onto God. STOP. Secondly, I repeat, if God ever DID do that, HE WOULD STILL BE CARRYING YOU IN HIS ARMS, and even like those absolutely traumatic nights in CNC where you were "briefly homeless" and eating out of garbage cans and supermarket scraps, you poor lunatic, God STILL GOT YOU THROUGH, even when you got freakin' mugged you KNOW that ultimately THAT ACTUALLY WAS THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED at the time. It's insane but it's TRUE. GOD HAS NEVER ABANDONED YOU, OR DONE ANYTHING FOR SPITE, EVER. AND HE NEVER WILL. Listen I'm just rambling now but START TRUSTING HIM TO DO THE DAY-BY-DAY THING. Because He already does, and if you just paid active grateful trusting attention to it it would LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
6) On that ultimate note: Daily survival isn't what actually matters. That seems impossible, but it's Biblical. "Whoever would save his life"... etc. One translation of this very verse says "‭You should not worry about how to stay alive"! And why? Because "your life is more important than the food that you eat. Your body is more important than your clothes." Note the details. Your life IS important. Your body IS important. But SO IS YOUR SOUL. AND THEY ALL GO TOGETHER. Just like you CANNOT take care of your soul to the point of neglecting and hating your body-- WHICH YOU HAVE AN AWFUL TRACK RECORD OF DOING-- you also cannot obsess over your body to the point of shoving your soul to the backburner! WHICH YOU ARE ALSO DOING, IRONICALLY, every time you get low on food or cash.
Except... not all of us do. There ARE a LOT of us who actually instinctively DO TRUST GOD and ACTIVELY SURRENDER OUR CIRCUMSTANCES into His Hands when things get tight, and they KNOW He will show up and get us through, and HE DOES. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Don't get so upset with one bunch of system-disconnected foni that you forget that a WHOLE LOT OF US inside DO TRUST GOD and it is BEAUTIFUL and FREEING and we wish we could do it even more, and better, and more completely.
One last bit: an unidentified grafifoni wrote this earlier:
"Oh of course it's important to care for our physical lives, but all our worrying about the particulars? That's unnecessary. Not only will God provide what we need, but we have HIGHER and ETERNAL needs, and THOSE ARE WHAT REALLY MATTER, even at the expense of the temporal ones!!"
That closing bit is what I want to speak on briefly, because it can very easily be twisted to promote that gnostic-dualism and body hatred/ neglect. That's NOT what Jesus wants you to do. HOWEVER, He DOES want you to realize that they ARE STILL SECONDARY NEEDS to the eternal and spiritual. They're still needs, don't misunderstand me, but if they are ever in conflict with your soul, they must be set aside. This is something that ONLY THE HOLY SPIRIT can discern; your own mortal opinion is going to err either to false humility or to indulgent sloth so don't trust it. Trust GOD. Honestly if THAT is your only litmus test-- just sincerely striving to trust God and serve God in EVERYTHING you do, even in recognizing & meeting needs, then you're going to be headed in a good direction. The Spirit will help you every step, if your intentions are pure, and your heart open to His guidance concerning them.
7) On that very note-- what sort of "difference" are we finally talking about? One that honors God. Those two "things that matter" are necessarily united. We actually cannot "make a difference" of any lasting sort, not as mere mortals, as unwise and misled and temporary as we are-- BUT if we let GOD work through us, if we really are living as the Body of Christ, if our every action is directed towards eternity and our hope of heaven, then "we" WILL "make a difference" in our world, because it is God doing His work through us, and He alone directs all change and progress.
But here's the essential bit. We must cooperate. We must THINK ABOUT HOW we can open up to this; to HOW we can "make a difference" in the sense of WHERE we can offer ourselves as a servant of the Lord, to let His grace work through us to truly change another life, even in a small way. We aren't robots, we aren't mindless automatons. We are in a RELATIONSHIP with God and we have to WORK WITH HIM, it's supposed to be joyful and free, and we can ONLY do that IF WE AREN'T WORRYING ABOUT "OUR OWN NEEDS." If we're so myopic, we won't be ABLE to see anyone ELSE'S needs that GOD WANTS TO MEET THROUGH US. And yes, He CAN AND WILL do that, because WE'RE PART OF CHRIST'S BODY, and Christ spent His WHOLE LIFE serving others, giving His Life, feeding people with His very Self. He wants to continue that IN YOU. Honestly if you're a Christian He MUST, if you want to remain united with Him!
So TRUST GOD to take care of you. Seriously, remember that you're saved by His Son, and PART OF HIS CHURCH-- do you really think God wouldn't care for such a soul? If that's the reason you need to cling to, then do so. But TRUST HIM. And when you do, use your freedom of mind and emotion and schedule and attention to HONOR HIM WITH YOUR LIBERATED LIFE.
Oh, but that's terrifying to the ego. The ego WANTS to distrust so it CAN be selfish. Isn't that awful? The proud self, the "me" mindset, doesn't want to be free, because then the soul will insist on higher aspirations and truths.
I can't phrase this well. Here's the gist of it: don't be afraid of freedom. That animal fear isn't you. It's a devil thought. Push it aside. Embrace the freedom of trust in God, however "scary" that wide-open vista of life is, especially after a life spent in a prison cell. I promise you, it's only "scary" because it's so grand and new and strange, but it is beautiful. God wants to embrace you and send you out to embrace others in His Name. Say yes! Put your life in His Hands, and then use your unshackled arms to reach out in love to the lives of those around you.
I can't say any more on this. It speaks for itself.
We know what it's like to trust God, and to doubt Him. The latter is unbearable suffering. The former is childlike bliss. Please, always choose to trust Him, especially when that requires a leap of faith. Those sacrificial surrenders always result in the most wonderful "little miracles." God is faithful. He will always be faithful. Follow Him. Live for Him. He'll take care of all the details. 


More from Universalis =
"Happy the man who has placed his trust in the Lord, and has not gone over to the rebels who follow false gods... As for me, wretched and poor, the Lord thinks of me. You are my rescuer, my help, O God, do not delay."

1) IF YOU DON'T TRUST GOD, YOU WILL INEVITABLY TRUST IN IDOLS. There literally is no other option. Instinctively you MUST trust in something, even if only yourself. That's all idolatry. You are making YOURSELF a "false god"!!
2) Such untrusting people are REBELS!!
3) The Lord thinks of you. Yes, you.
4) God never delays, truthfully. That's a beautiful consolation, however difficultly it may play out.


A very important distinction we personally NEED TO REMEMBER =
"Jesus never said not to think about your basic needs. He did say not to worry about them. Recognizing your physical needs can remind you of your spiritual needs— an invitation to trust your ultimate Provider."
1) This is a humbling chastisement! We can indeed to go to this extreme, as we mentioned before, especially the thriskefoni-- they love to do 24-hour fasts, to refuse to sleep, to expose the body to harsh weather, etc. But self-mortification is one thing-- the active refusing to admit that the body is loopy from hunger and dehydration is a whole other thing. We HAVE to take care of this body. We HAVE to pay attention to it and treat it kindly. So yes, we DO have to realistically consider its NEEDS, which DO include food, drink, rest, and cleanliness, to say the least, and then we have to MEET those needs as God expects us to do. Does that sound shocking to you? Do you feel like "I can't feed the body until God TELLS me I can?" Relying on the spiritradio is too risky, kiddo. If we're seriously hungry and exhausted enough that our body is begging for us to pay attention, then the frequencies you're going to pick up are NOT going to be any less distressing.
2) Ironically, that's WHERE your "worry" comes in ALL THE TIME. You start obsessing over "what the floating voices are telling me to do/ not to do," and you PANIC over so much as eating "one slice of carrot without permission" because then "that's a mortal sin." You think that doesn't count as worry? What the heck else is your brain doing in those moments? You're TERRIFIED. And you're NOT THINKING OF GOD, not truthfully. God doesn't string you along with conditional statements, weirdly particular directions to "test you," or punishments for eating one single loop of cereal "too many." I know you don't believe me. I know we definitely need to discuss this more, ideally one-on-one (J make a note). But worrying is not serving God, in any case. If you put your heart into the position of trust, like a child, I guarantee you, the Spirit would guide you to do whatever actually needs to be done or not done, without any fear.
3) THE PHYSICAL SERVES THE SPIRITUAL. THE BODY AND SOUL ARE UNITED. You literally cannot split them up! I know we've NEVER believed that before but IT'S LITERALLY BIBLICAL, it's the most astounding truth of Christianity we have learned recently, and it's TRUE so you NEED TO LIVE ACCORDING TO IT. Jesus died and rose again and KEPT HIS BODY and so you're gonna keep yours!! So TAKE CARE OF THE POOR THING. But also realize that IT IS MEANT TO BE IN HARMONY WITH YOUR SOUL. What I'm trying to say is, when you recognize what your body needs, somehow, it echoes what your soul needs. They both hunger and thirst, albeit for different things. They both need warmth, and rest, and breath. You get the idea. But seeing your physical needs LIKE THIS is actually hugely edifying, and beautifully compassionate, because then you're truly honoring the body AS A TEMPLE OF GOD, and not just as some "meat vessel." That's cruel and unkind and irreverent. The body reflects the soul and you cannot deny that. I can't claim much else on this topic as it's new and we're uneducated, but I can tell you what we feel in experience: when we neglect the body, when we don't take care of it, when we don't recognize or respect its needs, it doesn't help our soul one bit. Again, there's a BIG difference between honestly reverent "mortification" and outright abusing the body under the pretense of piety. Which is WHY our priest LITERALLY BANNED US FROM FASTING, you goof. You take it way too far. If you start thinking that it's fine and dandy to just not eat, because you hate eating and don't want to think about the body, well I hate to tell you kiddo but sooner or later that's gonna bleed into the same sort of subtly bitter apathy towards your soul. What you stomp on will come back to bite you. Whatever is motivating such unloving behavior does NOT have your soul's best interests in mind. Don't be fooled.
4) God is our "ultimate Provider." He's the fundamental, absolute, final, greatest, etc. in that respect. That means He can provide everything and anything and nothing else in the entire cosmos can. Everywhere else you look, there will be lack and dearth and limitation. You will find deserts and droughts. But God is a watered garden. You get the picture. And He is like this UNCONDITIONALLY. He created BOTH your body AND your soul and He KNOWS what they need and HOW to meet those needs and WHEN-- He even knows WHY, which is really beautiful to reflect upon.
The point is: you need to trust God COMPLETELY with BOTH your spiritual needs AND your bodily needs-- not just in the sense of His ability and willingness to meet them (which are both constants, btw), but ALSO in the sense that you GIVE THEM BOTH TO HIM EQUALLY. You trust Him TO meet both and you ACCEPT that care from Him FOR both, equally. You can't "have a favorite child" in this regard. You must love ALL parts of your existence just as equally as God loves them. 
...I daresay that has a far profounder meaning for us as a System. Take it that way. It's true, too.


"Advent prompts us to embrace a sense of trust, letting go of anxieties about the temporal and embracing the eternal significance of Christ's coming... to shift our focus from worldly worries to spiritual anticipation. [After all,] God knows what you need before you do. God knows your prayers before you pray them... So, let’s seek Him first. During this season of Advent, reflect upon the work entrusted to us while trusting in Him for provision [to live and do that work]. And let's not waste another second on worldly worries!"
1) I like this new spin. We aren't just to actively choose to trust, in particular circumstances, but to "embrace a SENSE of trust." We are to live in trust like it's the air we breathe.
2) Oh man, this too-- the depth of meaning that Advent GIVES that trusting atmosphere is FOUNDED IN CHRIST. That's amazing. We have "no reason to worry" not just because God is our Provider, but because Christ has come to earth and THAT is what brings that truth home more than anything?
Pause, stop talking, and let it sink in. Christ came to earth as a human. He united Himself to humanity, FOREVER. His first Advent was the fulfillment of thousands of years of promise and waiting-- for what? For a SAVIOR! Isn't that simple fact alone enough to erase all your anxieties forever? And then consider that this Savior is GOD HIMSELF, in a human form, which HE CHOSE specifically to be one with us... there's such a profound peace in that, it's staggering really. Just pondering that for a moment fills our heart with such quiet comfort and consolation. Jesus Christ is the very manifestation of "everything is going to be okay," because He exists. He has come to us, and He will remain with us forever.
3)
4)


The daily prayer is really powerful and worth pondering thoroughly=
"God, You know what I need and what I want. And regardless of what my current situation is-- I believe that You are enough for me. Your provision is enough for me. Your love is enough for me. Your will is enough for me. So today, I surrender my concerns for the future and my current worries. I will pursue You and trust that You will take care of me."
...

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KVOTD = Luke 4:1-2, an unexpected compliment to the VOTD.
"God cannot tempt us; temptations never come from God, but from the devil. So, as the Body of Christ, when we are tempted in our deserts, we should rely on God and not ourselves, and persevere in our resistance to evil, because God will come through for us and deliver us by faith. Never give up your faith in God, even in your most difficult seasons, because during the difficulty & temptation itself God will give you the strength and help you need to overcome all the temptations that are set before you."
1) With all the Catena reflections on temptations lately, and how they CAN and ARE opportunities for virtue, we must be VERY CAREFUL to clarify that GOD USES THEM FOR THAT PURPOSE. The devil does NOT intend that when he tempts us. Remember the book of Job! This is spiritual warfare, but God just loves to take all the angry attempts of evil and transform them into training-grounds for His kids. He knows that patience only flourishes when we are being tempted to haste, to irritability, to arrogance. So God lets the devil do his dirty work in tempting, while the Spirit is handing us armloads of grace-ammunition, haha.
2) AS CHRIST'S BODY, we are connected to Him in His experiences like this??
3)


"God, You have already given me everything I need to say "no" to temptation-- with the help of Your Word and the Holy Spirit, sin has no place in my life. Thank You for taking such great care of me."
1) God has "already" acted, before you even asked, or realized you needed to ask!
2) Specifically, God already "gave." He charges nothing, He demands no payment, He doesn't check credit scores. God GIVES, and He does so already, before the need makes itself known.
3) God gives EVERYTHING we need.
...
4) What is our "everything" needed? GOD'S WORD & SPIRIT.
...
5) We CAN "say no" to temptation. I don't just mean it's technically possible, but that it's ALLOWED. As strange as that sounds, as a chronic trauma survivor that became a "victimized abuser", this is perpetually an essential lesson.
...
6) In this same real context, the devil-- the Tempter-- is an abuser; THE Abuser.
7)

The questions are STRIKING=
"What can we learn from Jesus’ experience in the wilderness?
+ I can overcome temptation by trusting in the Truth of God's Word.
+ The enemy will often tempt me when I am already tired.
+ The Holy Spirit gives me power and wisdom to avoid sin."

1) Boy, is THIS ever relevant to life lately, especially with all the genuinely disturbing antitruths we see all over YouTube and Tumblr, whenever we foolishly stumble into either. And yes they're more than just "falsehoods" or "lies." They are actively anti-Truth, and often just as brazenly anti-Christ. It's genuinely terrifying, to realize THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING in the world around me RIGHT NOW.
And yet, like Christ Himself in the desert, we can overcome, because we HAVE THE TRUTH. We KNOW what is ACTUALLY REAL, and it is GOD'S WORD!
No matter what heresies and blasphemies may become popular, even promoted, if we put all our trust in Scripture alone then we will have solid ground to stand on.
...
2) OH MAN CAN WE EVER ATTEST TO THIS ONE!!!
Still... oh wow, Jesus went through this too. I never realized that. He gets it. He KNOWS how hard it is. Jesus was TIRED, and hungry, and overall suffering physically in that wilderness. He was not in "top shape." And the devil TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THAT. I told you he was The Abuser!!
But Jesus DIDN'T GIVE IN. His mortal body and mind, however hassled, were NOT the source of His moral strength! His power to resist the devil's temptations came from His TRUST AND LOVE FOR GOD HIS FATHER.
...
3) I note the word "avoid" here-- not just escape, not just fight, not just overcome, but AVOID!
...


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The prayer lottery gave us THIS, which I MUST take line by line=
"Jesus, I believe You are alive."
RIGHT NOW, Jesus is ALIVE. And yes, not just "as a spirit." He HAS a body, a HUMAN body, and HE IS ALIVE. Do you seriously believe that? Do you ACCEPT that reality, as shocking at it is, enough TO believe it in earnest? Or are you still too afraid of bodies and hum

"Jesus, I believe You are ever-present."
Even in your most humiliating, frightening, unhinged moments? Are you willing to admit His Presence even then, in you, living stone?

"Jesus, I believe You are working in the world around me."

Don't blunt the impact by making this a generalization. Look at the world AROUND YOU, right now. How "small" is it? On your bleakest days, is your "world" just these four walls? Are you homebound? I'll? Poverty-stricken? Are you isolated, ostracized, afraid? How small can your world get? Look at it. Do you believe Christ is still working there?
...

"Jesus, I believe that no matter what circumstances I face, You are Good."
Emphasize different words. Jesus, YOU are Good. You ARE Good. You are GOOD. Feel the entire breadth of meaning.
...

"Jesus, I believe You weep, mourn, and rejoice with Your children."

THIS is what stopped me dead in my tracks. Do I believe this??
Why does some very old and loud part of our psyche still see God as emotionally apathetic?
...

"Jesus, I believe You are my God and my Redeemer."
Do you truly believe the "MY"? Do you realize just how personal that pronoun actually is?
Of course you do, deep down. That's WHY you're afraid to say it with sincerity. The intimacy scares you.
...

"Jesus, I believe You are making all things new."
"Are" is an active word. Right now, in this very moment, Jesus IS making ALL things new-- and "all" MEANS ALL. There is NO exception.
...

"So come what may, Jesus, I will place my hope in You."
...

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We're bring crazy & starting another Advent reading plan.

"Advent simply means "coming into place, view, or being; arrival.""
As soon as I read this Mimic smirks & says "I like this one already." SAME BRO
1) Christ IS "coming into place." Isn't that astonishing? Although He hails from heaven, this world of ours, that little manger, Mary's womb, our hearts, are His place.
Consider the sense of "finality & connection" we mean when we use that phrase ourselves. "Things are finally coming into place!" We've been waiting, we see the pieces lining up, but there hasn't yet been a fulfillment, a conclusion. Nevertheless, it is on the way, we see the star, we follow it in hope, to that central event towards which everything else has led. And consider that very word "place," how oddly nominative it is, how personal it is. "This is my favorite place." "I've found my place in society." "Come stay at my place." There's a sense of rest, of security, of a search coming to a happy end.
Players move into position. Puzzle pieces begin to match. A clue is found, an idea is sparked. The Spirit hovers over the face of the waters. Advent is always happening. Christ is coming into place.
2) Christ is coming into view.
3) Christ is coming into being. What a paradox! And yet it, too, is true-- true in US, this very moment.
4) Christ is arriving. This takes everything a step further still.
Consider the word. Do you think of airplanes, railways, limousines? There is more than mere expectation, there is an announcement, there is a watching, there is a timeframe.
...
(BTW WHO IS TYPING THIS BIT????)


"Christ’s arrival offers a holistic response to the sin problem and can directly affect your life today and give you hope for a future in Him...
In Christ, there is hope for restoration of God and man.
In Christ, there is hope for freedom from sin.
In Christ, there is hope for eternal purpose for your life.
In Christ, you have hope to live as a son or daughter of a loving and compassionate Father.
In Christ, your religious traditions are overshadowed by a relationship with God... Ask God to show you how your traditions can be redeemed to illuminate Christ towards others this season."

1) "Holistic" is a tough definition, but i think the essence here is "everything taken together as a unit." Every aspect, every component, is treated as a part of a whole, interrelated and indivisible from the others.
So, when Christ offers a "holistic response," He deals with sin's effects & consequences in EVERY context-- spiritual, psychological, emotional, social, physical, et cetera. His solution is as universal as the problem. That is AMAZING.
And lest you forget: THAT IS THE POWER OF THE CROSS.
2) This effect is DIRECT AND PRESENT. It is RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
...


121023

Dec. 10th, 2023 10:30 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Mass morning. Very dazed, kinda loopy, but not stressed. Just upset that we couldn't focus better.

Concerning our "practical Advent goals" from the LBB devotional, today we left off our "giving tree" gift at church (just in time), and we've "sent out" TWO cards to neighbors so far, promptly-- one today, one last week. So we're keeping our little promises, by the grace of God!

FINALLY BK @ 1420

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Oh man I FORGOT, the second reading today was MEANT FOR THE SYSTEM TO HEAR.
2 PETER 3.
"A thousand years like a day, a day like a thousand years" IMMEDIATELY made me think of Infi... especially since it was shortly followed by "the day of the Lord will come like a THIEF"-- I thought of the Burt Bacharach song, and our old ardent poem "stolen"-- and "then with a roar the sky will vanish, the elements will catch fire and fall apart, the earth and all that it contains will be burnt up"... giving me instant vivid flashbacks to Infi's death, the post-massacre apocalypse, and the self-annihilatory destruction that followed CNC.
And yet, prior to that terrible reminder...
"The Lord is not being slow to carry out His promises, as anybody else might be called slow; but He is being patient with you all, wanting nobody to be lost and everybody to be brought to change his ways."
That's our entire history. That's Julie. That's Siobhan. That's the Retributors. Maybe that'll be Infinitii, too, God please be willing.


I love the commentary on it too=
"The Second Letter of Peter, probably the last of all the writings of the New Testament, here sets out to comfort Christians who were disappointed that the ‘Big Bang’ at the end of the world had not yet happened. The first generations of Christians had expected the world to come rapidly to an end– and yet it still goes on."
Although I know it isn't the same principle, this sadly sounds too much like our personal history-- constantly seeking resets, constantly trying to end things, never thinking we would survive to the next year, and yes, being disappointed that we WOULD somehow keep living. It's that old "thanatos drive," remember?
But this... for us, this is taking that deathdrive and handing it to the thriskefoni. They want the world to end, all of it, so they can be with God.
Little did they realize, God isn't so keen on annihilation.
...


"From this point of view, the annual cycle of Church feasts and festivals, even of Christmas, is a reminder that God is in total control of His universe. For us the seasons roll round, but for God, time is meaningless."
1) This interests me. How is the CYCLE a reminder of God's control? I want to understand that better; the very phrase catches me.
2) "His universe." What an unexpectedly tender phrase. That simple yet cosmic-possessive pronoun GENUINELY makes me feel loved & safe, makes Him feel like a Father, makes everything seem bearable in the end.
3) Time is "meaningless" to God. This sounds callous, but it cannot be, for God is Love, and He cares dearly for all us temporal creatures. Our existences have meaning to Him; Time itself has "meaning" to Him, in the sense of "purpose," otherwise He wouldn't have created it! But that only applies to it AS A CREATURE. To Him personally, time is indeed "meaningless"-- God is eternal, uncreated, pure Spirit, limitless and omnipresent. Time, as we mortals experience it, affects Him as much as a feather cuts steel. It doesn't. Rather, He "affects" time. It is His, too. The seasons are all His design, His choreography, looping like clockwork according to His promise until everything "dissolves"... on that day that Christ returns. THAT is why time is "meaningless"-- because the only meaning OF all time is to count down TO CHRIST, at one time or another, until everything is fulfilled in Him and time's work is done and it too can come to an end. That is how we describe the "apocalypse," after all!
So that's the cycle. It has meaning, patient meaning, until it doesn't need to anymore-- until the Eternal One Who makes it beautifully meaningless at last arrives IN time one last time, to complete & consummate it.
That's how God is in control. The clock turns, the leaves turn, all in right order and at the proper time, we are born and grow and age and die, and it is all in His Hands. The Church, in blessed testimony to this Truth, and to the ultimate End of all time, follows its own cycle, a deathless circle, a loop of Life, proclaiming the Birth and Life and Death and RETURN of God in history-- all in time, all beyond time, all then and now and yet to be. God is wrapped up in every second, existing beyond it, and still yet to arrive.
That is how we wait. The Second Coming isn't going to happen tomorrow, but it might. Time is meaningless to God. Whether we wait a day or a thousand years more, He is even now standing at the threshold, His Hand ready to open the door, in every single moment of our lives. He was here, He is here, and He will be here. This is, as it always is, His Advent. Are we ready?

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More universalis, from the Gospel =
"John was forming a community of repentance, but not so much a community which wept ‘Boo-hoo!’ about their sins, as a community of people determined to set their scale of values right. He meant them to stop going in one direction, to turn round and go in a different direction. Do we give ourselves a moment of pause to ask whether we have our priorities right? Where on our list of priorities does the entry of Christ into our lives come? John said rotten trees were going to be cut down, useless straw to be burnt. Do I need to feel the axe at my feet?"
1) A COMMUNITY of repentance. That's VITAL. As ALL sin has inevitably social consequences, our repentance must therefore also be communal-- and actively so, in order to truly repair the damage and foster preventative concord in its wake!
2) WEEPING VS DETERMINATION. This is a knockout conviction, as much as it is a striking distinction. It is, actually, entirely possible to weep yourself sick over your sins YET STAY STUCK IN THEM. Weeping is emotional and therefore dangerous-- pride, as false humility, loves to hijack it.
AND YET, you arguably CANNOT set your values straight UNLESS the CONTRITION that MOTIVES weeping is STILL PRESENT, even if you don't literally shed a tear.
...
3) Before you can turn around, you have to STOP WALKING.
...
4) THERE IS ONLY ONE TOP PRIORITY, EVER, AND THIS IS IT: CHRIST MUST ENTER INTO OUR LIFE, TODAY, NOW.
We must get to a point where this priority is burnt into our subconscious, so that in every breath & heartbeat, our soul is actively asking, "how can I welcome Christ in this moment?" and then IMMEDIATELY DOING SO. Every other priority we have, even eating & sleeping, is secondary-- not overruled, but redefined.
...
5) Am I a rotten tree? Am I useless straw? Be sharply honest. Am I bearing spiritual fruit that can feed & nourish the souls (and bodies) of others? Am I producing living foliage, so that my very presence is welcoming, offering comfort & healing to those nearby? Are we completely devoid of grain, nothing but husks, keeping company with the "wheat" until a stormy gust reveals our lack of substance? Are we so hollow in our Christian walk that we've never been able to die with Christ? Are our words and actions so devoid of God's truth and power that the slightest passing breeze could carry us off with it? Are we feeding people or animals? Are we fit for food at all, or are we bound to be burned?
6) LAURIE, YOU WERE BORN FOR THIS.


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MDE2 = SENT ME REELING. I actually stopped dead and quietly exclaimed "what??" in stunned amazement.
"“After Holy Communion,” wrote Josefa, “it seemed to me what heaven itself was in my soul. Suddenly I saw Jesus in all His beauty . . . with His Heart resplendent and shining as a very sun. It was surmounted by a cross of fire. ... He said: ‘She that eats My Flesh possesses God, Author of Life . . . and of Life Eternal . . . That is how this soul becomes My heaven. Nothing can compare with her in beauty. The angels are in admiration and as God is within that soul, they fall down in adoration. . . . O soul, didst thou but know thy dignity. . . . Your soul, Josefa, is My heaven and every time you receive Me in Holy Communion My grace augments both your dignity and your beauty.”
Josefa could do nothing but humble herself at her Master's feet and confess her sins, her miseries and weakness, knowing herself unworthy of the infinite Sanctity that, descending to her nothingness, went to the length of making her in reality His heavenly place of repose. “Lord,” she said, “I give Thee my heart, my life, my liberty... all.
“I desire nothing else,” He answered. “What does all the rest matter?... Your sins? Why, I can wipe them out... Your miseries? I consume them . . . Your weakness? I will be its support... Let us remain united.”"

ARE YOU SERIOUS
ALL OF THIS IS TRUE AND REAL?????
Jesus DOESN'T hyperfixate on my unworthiness? He says my sins "don't matter", BECAUSE He can wipe them out? But what DOES matter is whether or not I GIVE Him my HEART.
...


EGJ=
"Comfort. Often in life and death, the only way to show our love for one another is through comfort. Advent asks of us the same thing asked of the shepherds on that holy night, asked of hospice workers every day, and asked of all who have a beating heart: Will you provide comfort to the lost, lonely, hungry, hurting, vulnerable, fragile, sick, and dying people of God? What we do for the least among us, we do for Christ.
Today, there is someone in your immediate sphere who is hurting, vulnerable, lonely, or perhaps frightened. Reach out to them with a small gesture of comfort. It doesn’t matter what it is; it only matters that it is."

...
1) I have NEVER seen comfort as this virtuous before. This is honestly a game-changer for me.
At the risk of sounding whiny, I must admit, my upbringing did have a great influence on this perspective of mine-- this stolid opinion that "comfort" is for weaklings, for lazy people, for slackers & moochers. Et cetera.
But remember yesterday's homily. "We're in the foxhole together." THAT'S COMFORT. Comfort isn't some wishy-washy mollycoddling thing. Comfort is a VERB, and as an action it is a VIRTUE, and virtues ARE MEANT FOR BATTLE.
...
...
2) THE SHEPHERDS!!! Dude that is a STUNNING REALIZATION. They WERE sent to bring comfort to others-- to their people, absolutely, by proclaiming that the Messiah had finally been born, but ALSO TO THE HOLY FAMILY, by simply visiting them in their cold & lonely cave.
...
3) We are called to PROVIDE comfort. That verb feels significant.
...
4) The EXAMPLES. Oh man I seriously want to reflect on them ALL individually; my heart needs the exercise.
...
5) You know, I just realized-- when human pride of reputation and fear of performance get in the way of serving others, the love of Jesus overrides it. If I'm afraid to reach out to someone because I don't want to get involved in all the social niceties and obligations, all I have to do is see Jesus in them and suddenly the entire task becomes easy. It's because Jesus puts love in our hearts. When our humanity cannot love another-- how shameful and horrible-- Jesus can. And He uses His own Love to give us Love for Him in that person. Does that make sense? When we see Christ in others, and love Him in them, our hearts become softened and willing to generously do what our mortal selfishness could never even attempt.
...
6) Upon reading this, I texted B. That's not easy for me; I seriously dislike texting and talking both. But I love my sibling, and I love Jesus, and the two are together in this moment of comfort.
...

And THIS PRAYER that is so beautiful it aches =
"Use me, Lord, as the quilt you wrap around those who are cold. Use me as the spoon with which you feed those who hunger, as the smile you share with those who despair, and as the hands with which you hold those who are dying."
I HONESTLY WANT THIS SO BADLY.
I can't explain it. Maybe it's just a woman thing. But deep down I have this legit DRIVE to be of such tender & intimate service to others, especially the elderly & the sick, as we were graced to be for Grandma.
...

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Just got convicted by the CEVDCI (1 John 4:16-18)=
"God stays one with everyone who openly says Jesus is the Son of God. This is how we stay one with God and are sure God loves us. God is love. If we keep on loving others, we will stay one in our hearts with God, and He will stay one with us. If we truly love others and live as Christ did in this world, we won't be worried about the day of judgment. A real love for others will chase those worries away. The thought of being punished is what makes us afraid. It shows we have not really learned to love."
0) It is absolutely astounding how LOVE FOR OUR FELLOW MAN is repeatedly and emphatically stated in Scripture to be the DECIDING FACTOR IN OUR FINAL JUDGMENT, even as professing Christians!!!
1) God "stays one" with us based on TWO THINGS which are, in a very shocking way, UNITED. First, we must openly declare that Jesus is the Son of God-- God Who IS LOVE. And secondly, we must "keep on loving others."
How can we declare Christ is God, and then not live as Christ lived? How can we admit His divinity, and then fail to follow His example? THAT will be our judgment for sure.
But it's more than just harmony, it's UNITY. After all, "no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit." (1 Cor 12:3) Even better= "no one can say, “Jesus is MY Lord,” except by the power and influence of the Holy Spirit." But there's MORE to that verse = "no one speaking by the Spirit of God calls Jesus accursed (anathema)." Now consider this. Jesus was born as a poor man, as a humble and lowly man, as a refugee baby, as a homeless adult, born to become a condemned criminal to die in utter desolation, cursed by His own people. He identified Himself with the "cast-offs" of society, He made friends with the rejected outcasts & hated outsiders, He lived in camaraderie with unlearned fishermen and tax collectors and lepers, and He tenderly welcomed all those considered cursed by God. Et cetera. And Jesus IS GOD MADE MAN.
So. What does this tell us?
If we curse anyone, if we call any man "anathema"-- if we excommunicate them from our personal life, deeming them "damned already" or "devoted to evil", beyond hope and beyond our concern-- then WE ARE NOT IN THE SPIRIT, AND THEREFORE NOT ONE WITH GOD, no matter how we may cry out "Lord, Lord!" (Matt 7:21) And we have every reason to fear Judgment as a result.
...

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Three AMAZING lines from Rev. Terrance Klein=

"But none of us is the artist! God is! Do not ask an artist what is necessary.
Nothing is necessary; everything is necessary."
...

"Christ is the Light come into the darkness. Christ, who is creature in His manhood and Creator in His divinity, wills that one part of creation, a sliver that is nothing but creation, should be suffused—in the eyes of the Creator and therefore in reality itself—with light, clothed in grace. Mary should be like Christ, the light come into the world, without a tint of shadow. This is her own deepest identity to echo His."
1) I was stunned by the blatant reminder here that Christ became Man and therefore DID "become creature" in that sense of uniting Himself WITH a human form! Just... WOW.
2) IF GOD SEES YOU AS SOMETHING, THEN THAT IS THE TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE.
3)

"A painter needs both darkness and light to create. Evidently, though God wants for nothing, God needs both as well. The darkness presents the light. It frames and encloses it, and thus makes it what it is. But on the canvas of creation transfigured, the destiny of all the redeemed and sanctified, there is one sliver untouched by sin. The artist has willed that she, like himself, be suffused in light alone."

1) WANT VS NEED? Is this proper language for God? Are we truly allowed to speak of Him in such terms?? If so... what a beautiful mystery this is.
2) Oh my heart hurts so much reading this I could sob. It's purely Infinitii. God You keep showing me things that sound and feel like hir, I have no vocabulary to properly express how this makes me feel. It's all tears and music and light and shadow. What does that teach me about You? So much, so much, words fail me. Only the heart can speak it, but it remains silent, and holds the mystery close and treasured.
3) "Creation transfigured" is its DESTINY. Now I really feel like weeping. That's headspace. EVERYTHING in Creation-- except for Mary!-- has been marred by sin. But it is DESTINED TO BE TRANSFIGURED, EVEN SO.
4)


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120923

Dec. 9th, 2023 11:19 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Hell morning again.
(Despite that, by the time we went to bed, we felt oddly content? Saying night prayers together as a System, in the quiet dark, we were able to see and treasure little points of light through the day, that completely overpowered the scary and difficult things that had happened. I just want to mention that. Julie and I especially really grew a lot closer today through all of it.)


Rosary thoughts=
We get feelings of anger we look at pictures of jesus or Mary that have blank Faces, Or that look so serene and unruffled no matter how much we're suffering. It doesn't feel right it feels almost spiteful, Like our childhood, We would cry for help but people would just smile at us and do nothing, not even sympathize.
This is why a suffering savior and a sorrowful mother are so important.

Also realizing where we get that same terror reaction looking at holy Pictures during the rosary especially with no music to distract our thoughts, It's a trauma response it's actually looking for every possible threat in the picture.

Dyspnea is returning suddenly?? Yesterday & today. No apparent triggers.
We haven't had it at ALL since May, so this is weird.

Adelaide's role is A NURSE! SHE'S NOT A SOCIAL; SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE "IN THE BODY" AS IDENTITY!! Her job is to "accompany" the body being seen as a "person in need," like an elder who needs such close care! She TAKES CARE OF IT DIRECTLY ALONGSIDE IT; she is "driving" but NOT "FRONTING."
This is why she was so angry for so long-- she was being FORCED INTO FRONTING ALONE and that anger was a NATURAL ANGER RESPONSE TO DISSONANCE!!

Church at SJE. Made it to confession... and the response was JARRING.
This is almost verbatim as it hit so hard=
"If that was all in one week, you have too much time on your hands." "You're making up sins." "Why are you doing [that strange sin]? You must have some reason for it." "You're doubting God's love? At Christmas?" "Do you think your sins are so powerful that even God can't forgive you?"
And again, "You really need a spiritual director."
Listen, I am DEEPLY GRATEFUL for such a "tell it to you straight" priest (very fitting that he was wearing purple), but I am still VERY CONFUSED?
...


Evening carrots & Bishop Barron
UNEXPECTED ABSOLUTE CHECKMATE TO THE THRISKEFONI????
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0Bc3QPnw4ioPZt9P8taAWn?si=bjPHH5-KQ8eJJX47tMWyLw
SERIOUSLY TYPE ABOUT THAT ASAP BECAUSE IT IS IMMENSELY IMPORTANT TO US


8pm JUAN DIEGO DOCUDRAMA WAS ON EWTN!!! That's the one that LITERALLY CHANGED OUR LIFE and made us love BOTH that Saint AND OUR LADY, when prior to that film we had been acridly averse towards BOTH.
We literally sat down on the bedroom rug, in the dark, and just watched it together as a System.
I remember Leon and Scalpel both being so moved by Juan Diego's humble sincerity and emotional purity.
...


Waiting for mom to show up & switch cars for Mass tomorrow. Very anxious about driving at this hour but our brain is numb. Too much at once.
Dreamwidth is down so we can't update or edit or review, and we're panicking about the possibility of losing the archives as a result. We NEED to back up our site uploads ASAP because that's the ONLY PLACE WE HAVE THEM SAVED RIGHT NOW.

Small night drive
CZs Playlist on shuffle, God gave us "Tidal Tempest" (a much needed fond memory rush) & a song by Nick Leng that I had never heard before, but that was so unexpectedly applicable to our life lately it ached.
I'm amazed that you wanted someone like me.



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Universalis today

"...the Lord is a God of judgement, and blessed are all who hope in him. There is first to be a conversion and a cry for help. Only after the Lord has given the bread of suffering will the grace be given. Repentance is necessary before the benefits can flow."
...

"The prophecy of Isaiah promises material plenty... Then in the gospel passage Jesus fulfils the prophetic promises by sending out the disciples urgently to proclaim the Good News of the Kingdom by curing the sick, cleansing the lepers and driving out demons. Is the gospel only a matter of material plenty, of prospering unreservedly and of avoiding unpleasant diseases, as so many [worldly evangelists] proclaim it? They gain followers of short duration in the hope of comfort and prosperity, until the crash comes. This is not the gospel proclaimed in Matthew’s Beatitudes: ‘blessed are the poor in spirit, the meek, the peacemakers, the persecuted’. The blessing of God is upon them, in the sense that the Hand of God hovers over them. This [proclamation by means of healing] is not the same as providing ‘the fat of the land’ of the TV ‘evangelists’ for the followers of Jesus. These actions of the disciples are the symbols of the conquest of evil and distress. In story after story Jesus’ Heart goes out to the unfortunate and distressed, to the despised and the outcast, and He insists that the judgment of His followers will be in accordance with their adherence to the same standards of [His] caring for the poor, the sick, and the afflicted. In the Beatitudes according to Luke this is even more obvious, for there it is ‘you who are hungry now’, ‘you who are weeping now’. But Jesus does not promise that they "will live on the fat of the land"– only that they will have their fill and will laugh. The joy of the followers of Jesus rests in the confidence and firmness of a relationship to God the Father and His Messiah."
Why am I pasting this whole thing? Because it's a daily battle I have to fight, with my family & this society & myself.
How does Jesus fulfill these promises of "plenty?"
1) He sends out His disciples. Already the focus shifts from "things" to "people."
2) He sends them to "proclaim the Good News of the Kingdom." This is the true wealth: the Kingship of God, Who IS our all in all, everything we need forever, our Provider and Father.
3) They proclaim this Kingdom BY HEALING PEOPLE. This shows that God HAS POWER OVER ALL DISEASES & DEVILS. Isn't that true riches? Without a healthy body, the richest man on earth benefits nothing from his wealth... and without a healthy soul, even a healthy body is useless & doomed to death. God is literally transcending all mortal priority & redefining in truth what "plenty" is to man.
4) Specifically, the disciples are to cure lepers & the possessed.
5) THIS "PLENTY" GOES TO THE POOREST OF THE POOR!!
...
Now for the rest of it.
1) A reminder = The CROSS is the Gospel. The Beatitudes are our blessings. Jesus Himself had NO "material plenty," other than what He was given in charity & which He freely shared with all His camaraderie, and donated to those in need. THAT was the true "plenty"-- the generosity, the compassion, the giving & sharing, the active grateful recognition & demonstration that ALL IS GOD'S, and we are but stewards, and this brief life we have been given on earth is meant to be spent, not hoarded, poured out for the love of God & others and thereby investing solidly in ETERNITY. This, too, is real prosperity-- the flourishing of virtue, allowing grace to flow through you to others without selfish hindrance. You will "succeed in all you do" if your ultimate & only goal is to honor & serve God, and to do His Will. Then circumstances cannot ever leave you bereft, for your eternal hope is untouched, your spiritual harvest sure, fixed as they are in God and His Kingdom. Even if you fall deathly ill or are permanently injured, this is no curse if it is united with Christ. When we receive even our sufferings from His Hands, they BECOME blessings.
2) And THAT is my FAVORITE LINE of this-- the humble & meek, the persecuted peacemakers, the hungry & weeping, ALL of these souls are paradoxically BLESSED, BECAUSE THE HAND OF GOD IS UPON THEM. What a grace!! What a grace to RECOGNIZE that truth WITHIN those afflictions!
...
3) When we are genuinely so afflicted, the Heart of Jesus goes out to us.
...
4) Jesus INSISTS that the suffering BE CARED FOR. And isn't that another paradoxical blessing? When we are truly "one of the least of these," we become the recipients of Jesus's mandate of compassion. We become living opportunities for God to use others for Love, and for others to show and share that Love. We, in our very sufferings, are God's canvases to MANIFEST the Kingdom all the more, by His grace.
...
5) The action of curing IS BUT A SYMBOL of something even greater, something that DOESN'T REQUIRE A PHYSICAL CURE TO BE REAL.
...
6) THIS is why our care & compassion for the poor, or lack thereof, is apparently & shockingly our JUDGMENT STANDARD before the very Throne of the Creator. 
...
7) "NOW." Not eternally.
...
8) "Have their fill" vs "live on luxury," really. And LAUGHTER.
...
9) THE REAL & TRUE JOY, THE REAL ABUNDANCE, IS ONLY & ALL FOUND IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FATHER, THROUGH JESUS-- specifically in the "CONFIDENCE & FIRMNESS" of such.
...


"All that came to be was alive with His Life: may our lives be a light for men. Come today through the Church, Lord Jesus."
Oh this is PROFOUND.
1) Life itself comes from God, Who IS Life. The gravity of that doesn't always sink in as it should: God, the Uncreated and Eternal, Love and Truth Himself, IS LIFE. All existence, all consciousness, all breath and blood, ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE GOD EXISTS. Language fails me. Life, the basic state of everything, IS INHERENTLY GOD'S. But more specifically, even more profoundly, it is CHRIST'S. Literally the principle of BEING that exists and animates every star, every plant, every animal, and especially every human, IS CHRIST'S. It's like a blood transfusion, somewhat-- the life of another now gives you life, and without it you would die. But this is infinitely more. Christ gives Life to EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE BECAUSE HE IS LIFE. IT'S ALL HIM.
I'm sorry, I cannot say what I'm feeling. This is just astounding me. It's beautiful, it's terrific, I am so humbled and joyful that THIS IS OUR GOD, THAT IS WHAT GOD IS LIKE, God has poured His own spark into everything that is in order for it to LIVE.
2) SOLELY BECAUSE OF THIS, our own lives CAN be "a light for others"-- because they can SPECIFICALLY reflect the TRUE AND ONLY LIGHT to them, through our own life, AS HIS LIFE, as from Him. Literally just be existing we are testifying to the glory of God, to the goodness of Christ, but we humans have the unique gift of CONSCIOUSNESS and so we can reflect CHRIST as a Person qin a more "accurate" way than any other created thing-- especially since HE BECAME MAN Himself, TO help us to do just that!
...


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Book devotionals.

ttywpf =
"God does not wait for us to go to him, but it is he who moves toward us, without calculation, without quantification. “That is what God is like. He always takes the first step; He comes toward us... Where is God calling you to be like him and to take the first step toward others? Do you need to reconcile with someone? Do you need to show an act of kindness to someone in your life?"
We literally read this right after we had been thinking (for unrelated & unremembered reasons) about "reconciling" with TAS & TBAS, but feeling sadly like God "won't let us?" Like we're "not meant to be friends anymore," especially not with how abusive "I" was to them both in the past. The greater sacrifice & mercy would be to let them go free of me forever, never reimposing myself on their lives.
Still, God knows I wish that I could make proper restitution for what I did. I want, ideally, to apologize so completely and sincerely that they both have peace in their hearts, no more bitterness, no grudges, everyone is forgiven on all sides. The problem? I have no right nor power to expect such a response, or even to pursue one. There is ONLY ONE THING that I am required to do, the only thing in my power, the only thing I have any right to do-- I MUST COMPLETELY FORGIVE THEM. But for WHAT?? THEY DID NOTHING WRONG. The problem is, I'M PROJECTING MY OWN GUILT & SHAME & SELF-HATRED ONTO THEM. Even now I'm being an abuser. Typical.
...


EGJ was SO HEADSPACE RELEVANT it actually brought us to tears=
"Somehow love perseveres. We discover that compassion, patience, forgiveness, mercy, and humility are layered like mortar between the bricks of joy, laughter, delight, gratitude, and awe. Love is like that, simultaneously giving us everything we want and everything we need.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, love comes to life in defiance of all odds. When all feels lost, when cold darkness holds a tightening grip, love finds a way. The Holy Spirit inspires. Somehow we find everything we need to love one another as Christ loves us.
Today, prayerfully pause and acknowledge that the hardest things you've faced in life stirred something within you that helped you love more deeply. Name them and express gratitude for them."

...I can name them all, and I can look into their eyes as I do so.
Honestly this hit straight to the heart.
The System has, unfailingly, from the very beginning, been a powerful tool of God to help me/us love more deeply in the deepest darknesses of life. Our existence is proof that Love somehow perseveres. Every one of us is a testimony that Love comes to life despite all odds.
Christ reflects Himself in us. He uses us to bring us closer to Himself.
...


"Come, Holy Spirit! Drain from me my arrogance, my stubbornness, and my insecurity, and replace them with the Gifts of your strength, your fortitude, and your wisdom."
This is a simple prayer but I was inspired by the wording.
1) DRAIN it out.
2) The Spirit's strength replaces human arrogance.
3) The Spirit's fortitude replaces human stubbornness.
4) The Spirit's wisdom replaces human insecurity.



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VOTD = 1 Corinthians 13:13 PUNCH TO THE JAW, seriously =
"Three things will last forever: faith, hope, and love... You know what won't last forever? All your stuff... We don't care about all the stuff that people own when we talk about their life. We talk about the way that they made us feel. So how do you make people feel with your Christian life? Do people have more faith in Jesus when they're around you? Are they more hopeful about the future? And do they feel the love of Jesus when they're around you?  These three things are the true mark of a Christian and they should be a greater priority than all the stuff we're searching after: Faith, Hope, and Love. Do you have them?"
...We really don't, not anymore. WHY.
We don't make people "feel good" at all. We whine and complain and gripe and cry and panic. We're a mess. We're a horrible excuse for a Christian. Talking like this is a prime example in and of itself. Where is our hope? Where is our optimism and bright-eyed looking-forwards to an invisible yet promised dawn? What happened to us, that drained all the sparkle out of our soul?
...Most importantly, as far as our morose gut is concerned, we AREN'T living a Christian life. THAT'S the SCARIEST THING. We feel like we are STILL SO MUCH OF A SINNER that we would NEVER "pass" as a Christian, let alone "merit" to use the title at ALL.
...and... we still "don't know Jesus." At all. THAT is the most terrifying bit of it all.
How could we ever help the faith and love of others if we still don't know what that feels like ourselves?


"Advent is a time for reflecting on=
+ our faith in the Biblical promises,
+ our hope in Christ's arrival— past and future,
+ and God's love in sending His Son."

1) God keeps pushing us, more & more often & strongly as we grow in faith, to LEARN what His Promises ARE. Like it's becoming a hunger in our soul, just like that "starving to know Jesus" that keeps aiming us towards our BOOKSHELF and not our phone.
2) This surprised me. First, "ARRIVAL." Singular, referring to TWO events. This means they are ACTUALLY ONE. Christ's Birth in Humility is BOUND UP in His Return in Glory. Because the first arrival HAS happened in time, the second arrival HAS ALSO "HAPPENED" in eternity?? Look at the Book of Revelation! It's not just "guaranteed," in some sense it ALREADY IS.
Second, the actual virtue of hope, in this context. We are hoping IN, NOT "FOR". We're not looking forward to a possibility, or something that "might happen." The ARRIVAL is already present!! So our hope is IN IT. It's a beautiful paradox. We hope for "what we cannot see," and yet, that dual Arrival is the context of our entire lives!!
...
3) "We love because He first loved us." Faith & hope are ours, and will no longer be needed in heaven-- but Love is GOD'S, and it alone is truly ETERNAL.
...

On that note, the written reflection =
"Faith is crucial to Christianity. In fact, “Without faith it is impossible to please God...” (Hebrews 11:16). “Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1). But one day, faith will give way to sight and what was once foggy will suddenly become clear.
Hope is also essential to those who follow Jesus Christ. And we certainly have a great hope— based on facts, evidence, and witnesses— in the God who created us, gave His life for us, and will return for us once and for all. But one day, the future we hope for will become reality."

1) Faith isn't just "belief." It's TRUST. Christianity is hinged on a PERSONAL CHILDLIKE TRUST IN GOD AS FATHER, THROUGH CHRIST. That makes our religion stupendously unique and beautiful, unlike any other.
2) No matter how much "good" you do, if you don't trust God, you can't please Him. It seems so obvious, but I think we overlook it because of how completely it destroys all self-exaltation and efforts to "achieve", and our fallen tendency for proud autonomy is very scared of that! 
3)


"Spiritual gifts (like prophecy or knowledge) are helpful to the Church but simultaneously meaningless without an undercurrent of love."
THE THRISKEFONI SERIOUSLY NEED TO REALIZE THIS.
I genuinely hate to keep "pointing fingers" at them but they aren't getting the memo, as it were, and we KNOW from accessible memory of their front-echoes that THEY REALLY DON'T LOVE. And that is tragically terrifying.
...


A last reminder, from the prayer=
GOD CREATED FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE. They all originate in Him and can only come FROM Him. So pray and ask for an INCREASE of them in your heart, AND an increase in the CAPACITY of your heart TO hold them!! Then ask for God to increase your ABILITY TO SHOW those virtues to others, for HIS GLORY.
God has blessed us with such grace in giving us Jesus, Who IS the Source of those virtues for us!
He is The Light that conquers all darkness, as He appears right in the midst of it; He Himself IS Hope for the future. In Jesus we have invincible joy. But we must SHARE the Good News of His Birth with others, because without faith in Him, in His Advent of Love, they cannot experience true joy or hope at all-- because those virtues ARE ONLY REALIZED IN JESUS.
So BE BOLD, and PROCLAIM HIM, with sincerity & zeal, to EVERYONE. Realize the stakes if you DON'T!!
PRAY FOR THE GRACE TO DO THIS.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

An edited quote from an article=
"Jesus was born in Bethlehem so that, thirty-three years later, He could die for our sins on Calvary. Consider the Passion this little babe would undergo, as innocent at His death as He was at His birth. Reflect on His sufferings, and the incredible Love that motivated both His earthly nativity and His death."
1) I actually love pondering this truth: that Jesus was born so that He could die. That was His Intention from the very beginning. Imagine that! How that nobly colors His Life! In every moment, in every encounter, His Heart was fixed on His Death. Why? Because that Death was the point of EVERYTHING. It was to be, in time, the Event on which ALL time would reorient, and in which ALL Creation was to be remade. 
2) This next line hits SO HARD. Jesus is FOREVER PURE & INNOCENT AS A CHILD!! Crucifying Jesus was LITERALLY as heinous and horrific as CRUCIFYING AN INFANT. And yes, there ARE crucifixes that portray this most gutting of revelations.
There's also a line in the Divine Mercy Novena I always wondered about that says exactly this=
"Eternal Father, turn Your merciful gaze upon meek souls, upon humble souls, and upon little children... These souls bear the closest resemblance to [the Heart of] Your Son."
...

3) His BIRTH, too, was suffering!! As God, Jesus didn't "know" pain & suffering & sorrow like we sin-tormented mortals do. So, when in His great Love, He chose to suffer the Passion of His Death, He ALSO chose to suffer the unique Passion of His Birth. This was no "penalty of sin," just as Mary was spared the same. But Jesus was to learn, as a newborn babe, what hunger and cold and pain WERE. He was helpless, unable to even speak or crawl, completely at the mercy of others, and in great essential need-- as all infants are. But He was also born in a manger, outdoors, away from both home & society, in the frigid darkness, smelling of animals... as only the most destitute children are. He refused to be even one step above the lowliest human being; He insisted on being right there in the dirt with them, holding their hand. He chose this natal "Passion" with utmost Love, just as He chose its Paschal fulfillment-- in both, sharing most intimately in the condition of humanity at its most vulnerable & wounded. He became everything God was "not," save for sin. He became as tenderly human as possible, and this was first & foundationally expressed through His infant sufferings.



------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A final quote from Catholic Answers =

"So is Advent still a “penitential season”? It is, in the sense that all times are penitential times. The Catholic is called to constant conversion. Conversion is an ongoing aspect of the Christian life. There are times in our life when conversion may have a greater focus and others when it has a lesser focus, but there is no time when attention to conversion can be absent. Jesus calls us to “be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matt. 5:48), a constant task. So, yes, to the degree that we are all affected by sin (and we all are to a greater or lesser degree), in that measure, we also are all called to conversion. But the conversion we are called to in Advent has a distinctive character: one of “joyful hope.” A Catholic living Advent today is in a better position than Messianic prophets like Isaiah and Micah: he knows how the story turned out in Jesus of Nazareth. At the same time, today’s Catholic also knows how the story WILL turn out: the triumph of God and goodness, “when everything is subjected to Him... so that God may be all in all” (1 Cor. 15:28). We know that God, Who will come to judge the living and the dead, will prevail. The only thing we do not know is on which side we will be in that judgment: among the sheep or the goats. That is why Advent is a time of preparation and conversion: it is a time to make myself ready “for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ,” Judge of the living and the dead, King of the Universe. The way I prepare myself is through conversion of heart, from turning from creatures to the Creator, from sin to grace, [and] there is one, integral Life of Christ that remains the normative measure for every Christian [in this and all regards]. Whether we meditate on [it] in the rosary or observe [its events] through the course of the liturgical year, the motif should be the same: how these elements of His Life shape ours. Advent reminds us of what Jesus did for us so that, “now” (that little word we repeat in every Hail Mary), we may, by the prayers of Mary and all the saints, turn from whatever separates us from God and [turn at last] to God Himself. Advent reminds us that “now” is the only moment we actually have and are promised, as we have no guarantees of our future. So we seize the moment of grace, the kairos that is “now,” to prepare for Him who, by His past coming, made us aware He is coming back and that “My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what he has done” (Rev. 22:12). What is our response, for which we prepare during Advent and our entire lives? The very last words of the Bible: “Come Lord Jesus!” (Rev. 22:20). Maranatha!"
1) IT'S ALL PENITENTIAL. Laurie loves that. I do too.
...
2) Conversion NEVER STOPS. That's both strongly sobering & deeply comforting.
...
3) Our "constant task" in this regard is "PERFECTION"-- which CANNOT be achieved by man, nor in this life.
...
4) Advent brings joy and hope to our ongoing conversion. This is essential, because without it, our conversion can become morbid or overwhelming, especially with its perpetually penitential character.
...
5) We ACTUALLY KNOW "how it all turns out." Reflect on that, especially as we read the Biblical warnings & prophecies, AND see the worsening state of the secular world.
And HOW does it turn out? That's the beautiful bit. EVERYTHING will be subjected to God. No more rebellion, no more distortion, no more schism, no more isolation, no more disorder, no more falsehood, etc. Everything will be obedient to Christ the Lord, and Christ to His Father. God will be "ALL IN ALL." I adore that promise. And yes, it IS one! No matter WHAT happens, in all of temporal history, in the absolute end of everything GOD WILL BE ALL IN ALL. That's the last page of every book, as it were-- the complete & perfect & eternal triumph of Goodness and Life and Truth and Love, and the permanent bringing of the entire cosmos under His Holy Rule.
...
6) HOWEVER. We ALSO know that Christ WILL return as JUDGE. Sometimes I think people can forget that, in the focus on His final realized Kingship and our hopeful entrance into heaven-- too often Christians can ASSUME they're going to heaven, perhaps afraid to ponder the very real alternative, which WOULD be the ONLY option for us, if not for Christ's Sacrifice on our behalf. And yet WE'RE STILL NOT "GUARANTEED." Even now, even as Christians, we DON'T KNOW our ultimate judgment. We cannot know; that's the point. We must be vigilant & ardent & dedicated servants, both hopeful & contrite, with holy fear & childlike trust. To assume our salvation, EVEN though we hope in Christ's mercy, would be PRIDE. Furthermore, SALVATION DOES DEMAND "COOPERATION!!" It's all in Scripture! We've been called off the streets into the wedding banquet, absolutely, but are we wearing the wedding garment?
...
7) Advent is a preparation for the Second Coming IN the First Coming. Even as an Infant, Christ was Judge. His entire Life was a Judgment. How do we respond to Him? How do we meet Him in the manger, specifically, in such a scandalously humble state? If God has done this, if our King and Judge has chosen to experience this for Love of us, ALL of us, are we willing to do the same for love of Him, and all our brethren for His sake? THAT is HOW we will be judged, after all.
...
8) We must convert, but not blindly or haphazardly-- our conversion must CONFORM TO CHRIST'S EXAMPLE. That is SO IMPORTANT.
Where do we have this example to refer to? IN THE ROSARY AND THE LITURGY.
It's not automatic, either. We must meditate on it, actively pondering HOW Jesus's Life shapes our own, uniquely & individually, yet in absolute harmony with the Church-- and we must put it into action BY GRACE. That's the vital bit. We CANNOT do this by our own human willpower; it must be the work of the Spirit.
9) WE GAIN THIS GRACE THROUGH THE INTERCESSORY PRAYERS OF THE SAINTS???
...
10) Conversion is a constant turning. That's humbling & fascinating. It's like, somehow, we can always turn to face God a little more. We can always turn towards the Light. But we can also turn away, especially if we aren't paying attention.
Ponder this. Where are we turned to, right now? Where are we truly looking? In what direction are we really facing?
What creatures are we gazing at, moreso than the Creator? What sins are we fixated on, to the neglect of grace?
It's like the dirt or the sky-- you can only look at one at a time. You can either face the sunrise or turn your back to the glow.
What is separating us from God? What is preventing our turning fully to face Him?
...
11) "NOW" IS ALL WE HAVE. That is a life-changing truth.
It's IN the Hail Mary!!
...
12) The litmus test for ALL our preparation-- it must enable us to WELCOME JESUS NOW. If we're still saying, "not just yet, give me a minute, I'm not ready," then we are NOT TRULY LIVING OUR CONVERSION. To be honest about it, it MUST have that quality of FINALITY, that awareness of our mortality, and the immanent reality of Jesus's Presence NOW, which Advent points us to the historical breaking-in of. But that first Christmas CONTINUES in our hearts TODAY, and will until He returns at an unexpected hour, for which we MUST prepare NOW, no exceptions. It's not "okay, I've gotta get ready, but let me finish this first--" NO. RIGHT NOW. And the secret is that you make EVERYTHING into an act of conversion, no matter how mundane. You sanctify EVERYTHING, so that no matter where you are or what you're doing, you CAN say, "COME, LORD JESUS." You're as ready as you can be in this moment, and in that preparation-- in your constant conversion to look towards Him and Him alone-- you are expectantly waiting. You're "not the holdup." You're not distracted looking elsewhere. You've got oil for your lamp. Et cetera. You stay active in service-- you don't neglect your stewardship duties to just stare out the window!-- but you are ready in the work itself, and your deeds speak those same welcoming words in loving silence.
...



120723

Dec. 7th, 2023 11:18 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

SNOW AND ADORATION ❄💙🤍
Absolute perfection. Literally felt like heaven.

Biking time cut as a result of weird schedule today.
Body wanted to push exertion though, it gets "hungry" for exercise and legit nauseous if we stop too soon. Put Spotify on, inspired to listen to Anna Lapwood "Drop Down Ye Heavens" for the first time... and IT WAS SO ACHINGLY BEAUTIFUL I WAS IN TEARS.

BK prep with new frying pan and knives.
Takes longer but it does work, thank God, we were panicking over it actually as we are prone to.

SOOT TABLE???

Mom call blasting Pogo
"Fight or flight" response, overwhelmed. HUNG UP.
Desperately tried to make up for it in kindness with return phone call
Then BROKE DOWN SOBBING because I was MEAN TO MOM AGAIN.
The guilt was UNBEARABLE.
I couldn't stop crying from contrition, felt like the world had ended, I was doomed. Couldn't eat, wanted to cry so hard I would throw up.
Suddenly got the inexplicable and powerful push, not nudge, to read today's Passion devotional.
It was PERFECT CONSOLATION.
Thank You God, so much.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = Hebrews 10:23.
"Scripture is filled with promises made by God for us to hold fast to. Advent invites us to reflect on the many promises and prophecies throughout the Old Testament, foretelling the coming of the Messiah. These promises and prophecies reveal how the faithfulness of God never ceases. God is a promise-maker and a promise-keeper."
1) Scripture is FILLED WITH PROMISES.
2) God makes promises FOR US TO CLING TO.
3) ALL of those promises ultimately LEAD TO JESUS???
4) God's Character is that of One Who makes promises and keeps them. The keeping is obvious-- of course God is faithful-- but the making isn't. There's an astonishing love in that very concept.
...


"God, this week, help me to rediscover that YOU are my Source of joy. Please remind me that I always have a reason to worship You. Remind me of Your blessings, and draw me closer to You."
1) The word "rediscover" is what catches my heart, here.
"Logically," I KNOW that God is my Source of Joy, but... when was the last time that reality really struck me like lightning? When was the last time I discovered that stunning beauty as if for the first time?
2) Same thing with "remind", in the context of reasons to worship. That's both scary and hopeful, for the word "always" to truly take effect. 
3) The most hope is here: "remind me of Your blessings." Oh I know I have so many, so so many, and most of them are sitting around me here in headspace. But... to be reminded, OF them AS blessings... there's so much tender love in that it makes my heart hurt like light.
It's the same with daily life, too. How many simple yet wondrous blessings do I take for granted, despite their significance in this post-addiction life era?
...


"What's on your mind today? Invite God into this moment and share your heart with Him."
...I swear, the most powerful phrases are all Infi language.
...


"We can put our hope in God because His power and majesty will last forever... Jesus will reign as King forever, and we can put our hope in His faithfulness."
I never thought about that aspect of our hope before, but it adds such strength to it. Nothing can diminish, prevent, hinder, remove, or override God's Power-- OR His Majesty! The two are LINKED.
But what is majesty? It is "greatness or grandeur of exalted rank or character, imposing loftiness, stateliness, qualities appropriate to rulership." Loftiness is "of high rank, or with a high purpose." Stateliness is "nobility, splendor." You get the idea. But applied to GOD'S POWER, it means that THIS is what defines His Rulership, NOT force or violence or arrogance or anything likewise selfish & mortal. No, God's Power is majestic, because His Character is the most exalted of all, pure Light and Love and Truth. THAT is His Power. And it is FOREVER.
I'm rambling. I'm not saying what I want to say.
...


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reading plan =

"Why is it that the people closest to us are so often the hardest to forgive?"
And immediately in headspace,
"Ain't no one closer to you than yourself, kiddo. Well, except maybe Infi. Can you forgive Infi?"
"Yeah, because ze's terribly sorry."
"Then why can't you forgive yourself?"
...


"Like Scrooge on the last leg of his Christmas reckoning, this time alongside the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, the holly jolly season ahead may force us to come face-to-face with the very people who have hurt us the deepest. For Dickens’s unmerciful miser, the ones he hurt the most were those he spent his life short-changing: the looters at his house, poor old Bob Cratchit, and his nephew Frederick. Who in your own life has caused similar scars to the ones Scrooge etched?"
We misread this.
"TO whom in your own life have YOU caused such scars?"
What poor victim is waiting for your death, to finally take just recompense for what you robbed them of?
What poor neighbor have you snubbed in their poverty and used for your own ends, despite it?
What poor family members do you sneer at in their kindness, refusing to share their company or their joys?
You miserly wretch of a soul, hoarding your pennies of time and talent until they are snatched out of your coffined grasp, what if this is your last Christmas on earth? How many poor souls have you wounded? How many scars have you ripped into the fabric of your community? Can you bear to come face-to-face with those awful truths, if this is the last chance you'll ever get?
YOUR actions broke your parent's family apart.
YOU are the "friend" choosing selfishness over friendship.
YOU are the child walking down a destructive path.
"Hurt runs deep, especially when it’s inflicted by the people in our lives who are supposed to love us"-- that's what EVERYONE SAYS ABOUT YOU
...

...but then the reflection continues unexpectedly.
"Incredibly, those Scrooge wounded the most— Frederick and Bob Cratchit— chose not to hold onto bitterness and instead FORGAVE this man who had wronged them at every turn. In doing so, they showed Scrooge the power mercy can hold— how it frees not only the wrongdoer but also the person who was wronged. "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy" (Matthew 5:7)... Forgiving those who have hurt us lets them off our emotional hook, and lightens our emotional baggage. We set them loose, refuse to let them live rent-free in our heads, and as a result, free not only them but ourselves."
...is that why I can't forgive myself? Is that why I can't imagine anyone forgiving me? Am I that desperate to be hooked & kept, to have a place to live in someone's mind, however destitute a room? An i using these stuffed suitcases as a safety blanket, as the only things I have left of those I tried to love and killed instead?
Why am I afraid to be loved? Is it because the worst damage comes under THAT name, and in contrast bitterness becomes a refuge? If you hate me, you won't come close-- I'll be safe, I'll be kept at a distance, I'll be caught like a fish and mounted on the walls of your memory...
There's too much pain to unpack here. This is no place for phone typing.


"Forgiveness is such a difficult thing to practice, made even harder when the person who hurt us is a family member or close friend. [But] Jesus is the perfect example of showing mercy and practicing forgiveness towards people who "don’t deserve it"— namely, you and me! And He asks us to do the same, even when it’s far from easy. “So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when He judges you” (James 2:12-13). When done authentically, forgiveness brings freedom— a freedom that satisfies more than holding a grudge ever could.
Who are you being called to forgive this Christmas? Who needs your forgiveness? Chances are they’re just a trip down the hall or a phone call away. Will you go there? What’s one step you can take today to extend mercy to them, and [also] find freedom for yourself?"

1) Do you realize WHY Jesus forgave all of us undeserving sinners? He did it because HE LOVES US. Do you remember HOW Jesus forgave us ungrateful wretches? He did it by DYING SO WE CAN LIVE. Yes we were undeserving but WE'RE STILL HIS BELOVED PEOPLE. And it's His LOVE that fueled His unwavering ability and willingness to forgive. Guess what? It's no different for us. If you DON'T have at least a willingness to love someone, you WON'T BE ABLE TO FORGIVE THEM. If your sibling or parent or friend hurts you and you practically disown them, refusing to admit that they ARE your relative or friend... then you are disabling your own capacity for mercy.
Where does the Cross come in? Right here. You must crucify the "you" that holds the grudge. You must willingly let that part of you die, for the very sake of "redeeming" the offender that put you there, so to speak. Put your hatred & bitterness to death, so your family and friends can LIVE to you again, free of condemnation, open to hope & healing.
Christ calls you to mirror His sacrifice for His glory.
2) ...
3) ...


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Catena actually clicked today=

"If you want to serve God, prepare your heart not for food, not for drink, not for rest, not for ease, but for suffering, so that you may endure all temptations, trouble and sorrow. Prepare for severities, fasts, spiritual struggles and many afflictions, for 'by many afflictions is it appointed to us to enter the Kingdom of Heaven' (Acts 14,22); 'The Heavenly Kingdom is taken by force, and they who use force seize it'. (Matt 11:12)" (Saint Sergius of Radonezh)
1) If we are preparing our hearts for sensual & carnal things, then we are serving "the flesh." How so? Because "to serve" is "to obey, to be governed by, to comply with & conform to, to be devoted to." In your earthly preparations, focus, and expectations, you are indeed the servant of your body, of this world, and-- by subtle yet lethal extension-- of the false "prince of this world."
2) God is SPIRIT. But then, how is suffering service to Him? It is because suffering only occurs when the comforts of this world are removed, and thus your "chains" are loosed, for you to shift your obedience away from those passing emotions & drives & compulsions, that suffering actively opposes or even destroys... and instead, in their wake, when the sudden emptiness reveals a greater reality, you may pledge your allegiance to what is beyond this man-made world-- to God and His Kingdom. Suffering is simply the term used to describe physical distress, pain, lack, discomfort, etc. But when we see those things as symptoms of healing, of liberation, of detachment from the stupefying luxuries of this life... then suffering becomes a joy, a privilege, a holy desire.
2.5) Furthermore = when we seek comfort & ease & enjoyment, we will become ENTITLED, SELFISH, & SPIRITUALLY WEAK. Not only that, but we WILL be sorely disappointed, because such "self-serving" things are never ever guaranteed, and indeed are rather unnatural, products of this modern age of lazy convenience!
...
3) Temptations-- remember the other recent quotes on this topic!! They are BLESSINGS. BUT NOTICE!! If you are a slave of your ego, YOU WON'T BE "TEMPTED", BECAUSE YOU'LL JUST GIVE IN TO EVERYTHING. A true temptation REQUIRES RESISTANCE. It is meant to stage a CRISIS; however small & brief the battle may appear, however hidden & private, each temptation has this spiritually potent purpose-- to strengthen our souls in brave love for God and weaken the satisfied pride of ego.
...
4) Let's look at what we SHOULD prepare our hearts for, and why:
Temptations= the devil WILL try to mess you up. Don't let your guard down or get complacent.
Trouble= The world will oppose you, and circumstances will not be easy.
Sorrow= A tender heart WILL mourn. To not have sorrow is to have a heart of stone. Grief is a blessing in disguise.
Severity= A strange joy for the spirit; I can attest from experience. When luxuries and pleasures are all stripped away, and you are left with the bones of life, there is a secret holy bliss in the utter holy simplicity, if your heart is open to it.
Fasts= Without these the carnal nature runs rampant and forgets its proper place in submission to the Spirit.
Spiritual struggles= Inevitable in a fallen world, but the true test of a warrior for God.
Afflictions= The common lot of all mankind, the proof of our mortality, and what Christ shared in with us. Don't let pride grumble about "your handicaps of humanity."
...
5) Acts 14:22 is said by Saint Paul AFTER HE SURVIVED BEING STONED for preaching the Gospel. It is IN LIGHT OF THIS that he encouraged the Christians there to stay true to their faith, and to stand strong in it by trusting God, saying “We must suffer many things to enter God's kingdom". Virtually EVERY translation uses the phrasing "through many hardships we MUST enter." Not "will enter" or "can enter," but MUST. It isn't just a statement of inevitable circumstances-- it is an EXHORTATION. There is no other option for a Christian. We MUST enter God's Kingdom. Therefore, we must suffer a great deal. The tribulation is almost secondary?? It's to be embraced as a means of entry, because if you refuse to suffer, you're not following Christ. If you "MUST suffer," then your desire is not for creature comforts and cultural commendations, but for the Cross, with all its scandal and struggle and sorrow. Paul is saying, "don't give in or give up, even if you get stoned like me. Jesus was treated this same way. Be brave. When you are given your share in His Passion, you can even rejoice, for you know where that road leads."
...


120523

Dec. 5th, 2023 09:33 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)
 
SO EXHAUSTED THIS MORNING.
Could barely stay awake during Adoration. Everything felt like we were still dreaming.

BK egg disaster AGAIN.
Prep took TWO BLOODY HOURS

Lynne & Scalpel performing Beegee Adair together
Scalpel was wearing a suit and playing the baby grand piano, which was endearingly hilarious because the man still has a bright red "sidehawk", rings all over his fingers, and several metal teeth, haha. And there he is playing jazz piano and pouring his heart into it. It was such a perfectly RED thing.
Lynne of course was playing her violin with that effortless flowing joy she always does.


Adelaide talking about her function. Started with "I want a new role." Said she's always frustrated because it's humiliating.
SPICE spoke up, said "that's the POINT," Because Humility is a key BROWN VIRTUE?? They work with the BODY primarily, and all its humiliations, "thankless" and unglorious work, but ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL FOR THE SPECTRUM ITSELF TO SURVIVE. "We ALL live in the body, and it's the Brown's job to take care of it for all of us"
Laurie saying that Adelaide's job was actually "Scripturally credible"; she was doing the MOST humble service, to GIVE DIGNITY to our body in a context where it had been chronically neglected & dehumanized. Laurie emphatically reminded us all that THIS EXACT BODY WILL BE RESURRECTED, and therefore ALL OF IT IS A TEMPLE FOR GOD, and MUST be treated & used as such. Adelaide was perfecting that in a way no one else ever had dared to before. (Honestly I don't think Addie would even EXIST if not for our hospice charity days!)
Lastly remember Julie telling her, with painful sincerity, "if you had been with us in the past, a lot of bad things wouldn't have happened."
Addie saying "most of the behaviors are automated"; Laurie said, essentially, "that's normal, you just need to manage them. The point is so that the mind isn't empty when the body is acting, because THAT'S how hackers get in."
In any case Adelaide NEEDS COWORKERS. Harmonia isn't around anymore? She got hit hard by CNC trauma and it shut her conscious capacity down.
Hey, remember how YEARS ago a therapist GAVE US A WORKSHEET of "what "alters" do what tasks in the body," basically "who handles which aspects of daily life?" And we were SHOCKED & SCARED to realize that MOST OF THEM WERE UNCONSCIOUSLY AUTOMATED. It explained the time loss, but we had NO IDEA that subsystems were a thing at that time, haha. Anyway the point is, FIND THAT LIST. POST THE JOB OPENINGS.
It's a new era for us. Every few years something shifts. It started the year after Jewel was "born" as our first Core in 2001, her and Celebi, and since then we've had legit "eras" of headspace=
2002-2003 (1), 2003-2005 (2), 2005-2008 (4), 2008-2012 (4), 2012-2017 (5), 2017-2023 (6). Every time the gap years increase by one.
This one, if it continues the pattern, is 2023-2030 (7). We FELT the shift begin this year, tangibly so. We have no idea what's ahead; only God does. But look back at the past. He's done good for us so far and He is faithful. Plus, 7 is our lucky number, haha.
Still, the point I was originally trying to make is this= Era 6 was, fittingly, defined by death... right up to Divine Mercy Sunday and Infinitii's death in the final 2 weeks before the arguable "new year" date of Jewel's birthday... after which EVERYTHING CHANGED VERY QUICKLY.
...


ALSO WE REALIZED WHY WE KEEP DOING MORE FAITHPASTING THAN TYPING= OUR BRAIN IS STILL IN "TUMBLR SHARE MODE"!!! It's operating under the false premise that we're going to post these as standalone quotes, and LEAVE IT AT THAT. But that's just an abstracted form of HOARDING, which we learned is ALSO ACTUALLY AN OCD SYMPTOM, go figure.


Evening

GENTE COME NOI & SNOW!!!!!
"THIS IS HOW MUCH GOD LOVES ME"

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = Deuteronomy 31:6.
"How many times have we not gone for something that we felt called to, because we were scared or discouraged, or we panicked? Or maybe we felt that fear, and MISINTERPRETED it as the HOLY SPIRIT telling us NOT to go for it BECAUSE we felt fear."
KEY WORD IS "MISINTERPRETED" BUDDY!!! THE HOLY SPIRIT DOESN'T CAUSE THAT EMOTION!!!
The Spirit of God is a Spirit of LOVE and POWER and SOUND JUDGMENT, and SPECIFICALLY NOT OF COWARDICE OR FEAR.
...

"During this season of Advent, and time of reflection, think about the seasons of your own life. Every situation you face is an opportunity to grow your faith in God and trust in His promises.
If you're feeling discouraged or fearful of the future, spend some time in prayer, [which allows you to draw near to Him], and ask God for courage and peace.
Remember that you are never alone in life. God is always with you. Trust in that. Even when you experience challenging circumstances, you can find peace in knowing He is close, and with Him, you can be strong and courageous.
Not only will His Presence never leave you, but His Love will never be taken away. He will never forsake you. There is nothing that can separate you from the Love of God (Romans 8:38). Thank God for His Love and Presence during this season of reflection. And confidently cling to the promises that He has given you."

1) Now that we can identify our "seasons," we can APPLY that amazing truth= they were and are all opportunities to draw nearer to God. That's ALWAYS the ultimate point, of EVERYTHING, because GOD is orchestrating it all and He ALWAYS does whatever He does for our salvation. And we cannot receive salvation if we don't have a trusting faith in God. So He gives us circumstances that allow such sparks to catch and seeds to grow.
(LIST PERSONAL EXAMPLES, SPECIFICALLY, OF TIMES OUR FAITH IN HIM & TRUST IN HIS PROMISES DID INDEED GROW OVER THE ERAS.)
...
2) If your prayer isn't drawing you nearer to God, you're not truly praying.
Prayer is supposed to be like this-- a refuge, a time to be with God as a Father, a place to humbly ask & receive both peace & courage. It's not supposed to be something you avoid out of stressful terror.
3)
4)

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EGJ=
"It is ironically all too easy to miss the Christ among us when we are fixated on the heaven above us. As we prepare to welcome Christ into the grit of our world, we are encouraged to look deeper— not just higher— to see His very real Presence among us, around us, and even within us. Blessed indeed are the eyes that see.
Challenge yourself today. Look into the face of someone you’d normally look past or otherwise avoid. Remind yourself that they love someone, that someone loves them, and that their love is very real.
Pray that the Infant Christ, turned away at the inn and born among the shepherds, will open your eyes that you might learn to see Him in the most unexpected places and in the most vulnerable faces."

This meditation moved my heart to say, before anything else, "this is the only God worthy of worship. This is the only God I would ever want to worship. Thank God that HE alone is the One True God-- this God Who identifies Himself with the most rejected & vulnerable among men, the ones most in need of love and most able to move other hearts to give it!"
...

LBB= Actually brought me to tears.
"Zechariah and Elizabeth were childless, which in their culture was a great misfortune, even a disgrace (since there would be no heirs to carry on the memory of the family). One can imagine their feelings of failure and inadequacy.
All of us feel barren in one way or another. I haven’t “produced” in my life what others (or I myself) had hoped I would. My failure to live up to “what might have been” leaves me with a certain empty feeling.
But God does things through me that I myself cannot do, or even measure. And God does them often in ways I don’t understand.
That’s the secret. Let God do what God wants to do through me and trust in His plan. That is the path to greatness — no matter what my age, no matter what my condition.
O Lord, let me let You do what You want to do through me today. "

Every single word of this went straight to my heart.
1) Since I was a child, a literal child, long before puberty, my family made it very clear that as a female and a Christian, they expected me to get married and have children. I never wanted to. I was bitterly opposed to it AS a child.
...but despite all my rebellion, i couldn't erase the social stigma. I cannot avoid the public shame, especially within the faith community.
...
2) I sometimes wonder if God has cursed me in ironic fashion, on purpose, with a barren life.
3) but God knows I WANTED to be creative. I WANTED to be prolific and I TRIED. But... I failed. I always failed. All my hopes are dead. I am completely empty.
4) ...so was Elizabeth, to everyone but God. How ironic.
5) ...maybe God wants the production to be HIS work, not mine. Maybe He's been setting an inexplicable stage for His own masterwork. Is that arrogant to hope for, even if i denounce all personal credit?
6) I cannot do what God can. But I also cannot MEASURE it. I don't often think about that word but it's HUGE when you grasp its meaning.
7) most of all, I don't understand. But I can TRUST.
8) "No matter my age or condition," God doesn't see me as useless.
9) LET God do what HE wants to do.
...

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Lots of Universalis today, from Adoration.
(DON'T QUOTE WHOLE THING, JUST REFER TO KEY POINTS?)

I loved this sermon intro so much I want to just ponder it as such=
"The very Son of God, (Jesus Christ)
older than the ages, (Jesus is eternal, existing before Creation)
the invisible, (Jesus's "true Nature" cannot be seen with the eye)
the incomprehensible, (Jesus is a Mystery we literally cannot grasp)
the incorporeal, (Jesus took on a body, but in Himself He is pure Spirit)
the beginning of beginning, (Jesus both created and recreated all things)
the light of light, (true God from true God; He IS what He "came from")
the fountain of life and immortality, (ALL life, true life, flows from Him as the Source and Origin)
the image of the archetype, (
the immovable seal, (
the perfect likeness, (
the definition and word of the Father: (
HE it is Who comes to His own image and takes our nature for the good of our nature, and unites Himself to an intelligent soul for the good of my soul, to purify like by like. He takes to Himself all that is human, except for sin."
1) Christ is the Image of God, but MAN is the image of CHRIST????
2) In taking our nature "to Himself," it rewrote our nature?? It didn't "restore" it like a computer reboot, to "before the Fall"-- it TRANSCENDED even that. Jesus didn't rewind or restart our nature, He REDEFINED IT, to reflect His Own???
3) Jesus, Who is literally God, "UNITED HIMSELF to an intelligent soul". I can't properly comment on this because i don't know what that means. I don't understand "soul" yet.
...
4) "To PURIFY like by like". There's such depth in that phrase. As a mortal I can't quite understand it. But Christ grasped these things for His Own and His very touch purified them. No, it was far more than touch, it wasn't mere contact-- it is UNITY.
...
5) Sin is "human"? But it's unnatural. And it was INSTIGATED BY SATAN. However, humans cannot sin as angels do. We have a unique free will. So our capacity for sin IS uniquely human, even if it isn't supposed to be part of the human existence.
...

"He was conceived by the Virgin Mary, who had been first prepared in soul and body by the Spirit; His coming to birth had to be treated with honour, virginity had to receive new honour."
1) This is EXACTLY WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN TO US DURING ADVENT!!
2) This simply & clearly supports the Immaculate Conception, too. Mary was prepared before her birth. She was "built for the purpose," consecrated from the first instant.
3) A humble but genuine question: do Protestants think about that aspect of "honor" as it applies here?
4) A "new" honor of virginity? And does it STILL apply, or just to Mary?
...

"He who makes rich is made poor; he takes on the poverty of my flesh, that I may gain the riches of his divinity. He who is full is made empty; he is emptied for a brief space of his glory, that I may share in his fullness. What is this wealth of goodness? What is this mystery that surrounds me? I received the likeness of God, but failed to keep it. He takes on my flesh, to bring salvation to the image, immortality to the flesh. He enters into a second union with us, a union far more wonderful than the first... Holiness had to be brought to man by the humanity assumed by One Who was God, so that God might overcome the tyrant by force and so deliver us and lead us back to Himself through the mediation of His Son."
1) The first union was "man made in God's image & likeness," and living in harmony in the Garden. This second union is the UNITY of God & man brought about in Christ. And it IS wonderful, which is why I included those well-known opening phrases. Don't ever let them become commonplace! Don't ever take them for granted!
Advent is about God "creating man anew" by taking on man's image. It's a paradox-- man IS in the "image of God," but by the Fall he started to mar that likeness, and disfigured himself. But now God Himself takes on that "image of man," and in doing so, not only restores it to what it was meant to be, but PERFECTS it.
Christ became human, became a pure and innocent baby, and suddenly, in seeing that holy child, every man realized what he was created to be all along.
...


"His Word is a rod that strikes the ruthless, His sentences bring death to the wicked."
Laurie was struck by this holy concept: the weapons of the Lord are His WORDS. He needs no violent armaments, because His Power is in Himself, total & irresistible.

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DUDE IT JUST HIT ME
"EMMANUEL" = "IMAN-UEL" = as in "IMMANENT."
Oh of course its not exact etymology but STILL. Immanent means "indwelling, remaining within, inherent." And if you REALLY want to push etymology, you can say it's an "immanent noel", an "indwelling birth."

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From our Advent reading plan, as we forgot the past few days=
"For so many of us, Christmas is the exact opposite of joy [because] we’re busier than ever this time of year. As a result, our lives are lacking the key factors that make this season special: wonder, innocence, and peace. [But in this season,] we’re all confronted with choices in life: the choice to choose others, kindness, and wonder, or the opposite: to choose ourselves, selfishness, and bitterness... Christmas isn’t guaranteed to be joyful. But maybe that’s the point. As we get older, joy becomes less circumstantial and more of a choice we have to make despite the circumstances. [As James 1:2-3 tells us Christians,] we’re called to consider even the most un-ideal events joyful— a chance to develop our character and grow in our faith. What a relief to know that joy can be experienced even when our situation is not ideal!
Maybe there’s someone in your own life who forced [your inner child] to come face-to-face with the "reality of the world" much too soon... maybe it wasn’t a person but a circumstance you had no say over. Whatever happened, or will happen, in your life, [that tempts you to despair, bitterness, or apathy,] we all [still] have that same freedom... we can choose to preserve our wonder, or we can succumb to the disillusionment the world has to offer. Which will it be for you?"

Oh wow, perfect timing as always, God. I've been thinking about this entire concept all week, often with actual weeping.
Let me break it down.
1) Busyness robs you of joy. Being industrious is fine, being productive is fine, being active is fine, don't get me wrong. But being BUSY will drain your soul dry. If your body, your mind, your heart, are all so busy that they don't have a minute to stop and rest, let alone find peace, then joy will also have no room or way to enter in. 
2) We STILL have our sense of wonder, thank God, but it has been bruised. Nevertheless, even on our bleakest days, we can always get Jewel to front for a minute with her eyes full of stars, and that illuminates all of us. Being multiple truly is a gift from God.
3) ...We have lost our innocence, though.
It's surreal. Whenever we tap into archival Christmas memory data, the FIRST and virtually ONLY records we have are of 2005 and 2013... of Jewel and Jay. That's IT. There is NOTHING from Spinny or Cannon's days, and only the dimmest & most terrorstricken shreds from the "Chthonic era," pre-CNC. After that... nothing. There are exactly two flashbulb flashbacks from CNC, before everything goes black: first, going to the Dawn Mass at the local Cathedral on zero hours of sleep and twelve hours of horror, legitimately feeling like we might die from abusive exhaustion, a d not caring. We blearily remember sitting in the pew, and seeing candles.
The second memory is sitting on the floor by their tree, alone, at 3am, sobbing hysterically and wanting to either go home or die.
...
4) THE CHOICE.
5) NO "GUARANTEE"-- Jesus Himself won't force joy on you!
6) There is a blessed freedom in this, actually, that feels like the very first Christmas. When our joy is liberated from circumstance and anchored solely in God-- because HE ALONE IS JOY-- then nothing can ruin our Christmas.
7) James's letter really is timeless wisdom. Faith blossoms under pressure.
This is amazingly empowering-- it means that our troubles are TRANSMUTED, as they become the very fertile soil for us to grow virtue in. That itself is a real reason to rejoice.
...
8) Person & circumstances that "shut up the child," tempt us to despair & bitterness
9) CHOOSE TO PRESERVE YOUR WONDER. First, you ALWAYS have that choice, which is a huge light of hope to realize. Second, "preserve" is an ACTIVE word: it means to "keep safe from harm by acting so as to insure that something [harmful] does not occur." It means you treat your wonder AS a child, and YOU are the parent. When you take that perspective, you will know what to do; it's an instinct of compassion. Third: the possessive pronoun. You're not trying to wistfully preserve some nebulous concept of wonder that fees just out of reach. No. It is YOUR wonder, YOUR precious unique thing, and NO ONE can take it away from you, even if it feels lost right now. Make a choice to preserve it now, to take action to maintain it, to keep that inner child alive and well. Wonder cannot die, but it can be buried, so to speak. 
...
10) The WORLD "offers" disillusionment.
Jesus GIVES the exact opposite.


Now there are questions to conclude=

"Be honest: What circumstances are you facing today that aren’t “ideal?” How can you arrest your cynicism and look instead to how your character, faith, and knowledge of God can "grow you through" this situation? Where might you find joy after all?"

1) The non-ideal circumstances that specifically have to do with Christmas are half silly, half gutting. Grandma and grandpa are dead. We no longer live in the family home. One sibling is across the country, another is lost in a schizophrenic delusion, another is locked in his room and won't leave. We don't have any decorations. We can't eat "normal" food anymore. We don't have any family get-togethers or traditions. We don't have transportation for church activities. We can't burn candles post-COVID. Virtually all of our childhood memory triggers are absent or destroyed. We just feel like... Christmas is this unbelievably gorgeous hallucination, something so heavenly that what little we do remember of it seems so pure and perfect it's hard to believe it literally happened in physical space and time. But our heart aches so hard for it we could weep, and have wept, several times over it in the past month alone-- which is notable as our emotions have been shut down for almost a year.
2) That word, "cynicism," is a dagger of a conviction. I wouldn't have applied it to myself, but looking at it now, I guess it is there-- the word means " to be pessimistic, distrustful, believing that "things won't work out""; and when I list those non-ideals, although I desperately hope and wish things could get better and WANT to MAKE them better with all the power I have... is there cynicism creeping in, and saying, "it'll never happen?" If so, how do I ARREST that, even preemptively?
3) "Grow you through" must be a Protestant term, haha. I've never heard it before. Still, it's a legitimate and edifying concept.
4)


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Catena is HEADSPACE RELEVANT again, AND actually applicable to that reading plan too=
"Temptations come so that hidden passions may be revealed and so that it will be possible to fight them, and so that the soul may be rid of them. [Temptations] are a sign of God's mercy. So give yourself with trust into God's hands and ask His help, so that He will strengthen you in your struggle. God knows how much each one can bear and allows temptations according to the measure of our strength. Remember that after temptation comes spiritual joy, and that the Lord protects them that endure temptations and suffering for the sake of His love." (Saint Nektarius of Aegina)
1) This principle is, admittedly, why we subtly "seek out stressful circumstances." We WANT to trigger out "hidden passions"-- and the foni attached to them-- so we can SEE and FIGHT them, yes, but also so we can understand what their roots & motives are, because if you DON'T have a sense of at least pity towards those foni then no matter how much you fight them, you won't win the war. God's weapons are more subtle than swords, and far more effective-- truthfully, in spiritual warfare, ONLY God's weapons WORK!
2) MERCY
3) ASK FOR HELP. YOU CANNOT WIN ANY BATTLE ALONE.
4) God WILL strengthen you.
5) "May I be equal to Your hope of me." God knows your limits and He WILL push you to them, but He stands with you the whole time.
6) Spiritual Joy
7) PROTECTION
8) ALL FOR HIS LOVE.

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113023

Nov. 30th, 2023 10:54 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
 

So exhausted and confused sick. Body crashing i think

Mom call about Jade
Drop-off around 1130
Forgot OJ. Guilt crushing

BK at 230.

So burnt out dead, can barely think. Want to cry from sheer fatigue

Evening =
We are legit addicted to high-resistance biking. It must be another trauma-coping response. It's emulating the terrified hyperarousal and "run for your life" reaction.
But I've noticed something else, something very interesting and alarming.
Since we started doing this high-resistance biking, we've become distressingly emotional. We're having angry-helpless crying paroxysms, having mini tantrums from sheer frustrated despair. It's like we're a teakettle screaming all the time, unable to release anything but pressurized steam.
WHY IS THE BIKING DOING THIS????
Not only that, but IT DOESN'T EXHAUST US ANYMORE. We get hungry for MORE effort, and we don't want to physically eat at ALL, although our body does. We're constantly angry and weeping, wanting to destroy everything violently and then sob so hard it tends the very rocks. What on earth is going on.


Mom called the INSTANT we sat down to eat. AGAIN. Honestly it is uncanny how her phone calls LINE UP with our mealtimes, and that's not a good thing because then we get DELAYED by like 20 entire minutes and that's a HUGE chunk of time. Then we can't sleep, can't bike, etc. Why is our schedule so watertight that the slightest "interruption" throws us into an absolute panicked fit? Our poor mother has to deal with that from us CONSTANTLY because she always wants to do stuff and take us along, and we just want to stay home and have everything be controlled & predictable & tidy & efficient & ordered properly. No room for variables. No unexpected events tolerated. No spare time allowed, everything must have an assignment. I repeat: WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY LIKE THIS?
But... we don't want to snub mom. We need to spend time with her and we want to, both as her child and as a Christian. But our bloody schedule keeps getting in the way.
We have to go to mass. We have to say 2 hours of morning prayers. We have to exercise. We have to prep our meals all at once. We have to eat all at once, alone and quiet and uninterrupted. Et cetera. Remove a "have to" from our routine and we quickly nosedive into a nervous wreck, desperate to flee and quickly "catch up" to time lost.
We cannot cooperate or compromise like this. We have no real flexibility. We can't be spontaneous. We cannot even leave the house except for church functions.
I don't know what to do about this yet. We can't solve this problem from a mindset entrenched in it. Still... God keeps having our mother invite us to things. We'll have to say yes, and just... surrender the details to God.
We need to involve God more. How ironic. We never think of asking Him for help or direction or advice with our schedule stress. It's because we're afraid He'll say, "well you SHOULD be spending another two hours in prayer, you know," or "you don't need to exercise, you could be reading the Bible," etc. We're terrified that He WILL "make it worse," because God NEVER gives "relief from suffering"; He WANTS us to suffer & struggle so we have something to "offer up". To seek ease & relief from tribulation is to reject the Cross. So if we DO dare to ask, then He will justly respond with a chastisement. If we whine about the weight, He will make it heavier, to humble us. That's how it works.
...It's so sad though. Sometimes I really wish I could talk to God about this, without being humiliated & ashamed & guilty for feeling frightened & overwhelmed & confused in the first place. I'm so afraid of being sternly scolded & then "marked" as the "problem child," the one who will take a mile if you give her an inch, so give her extra discipline to keep her in line. It's for her own good. She's too weak; she mustn't be coddled or given reprieve.
And you know what? I DON'T WANT TO BE, DARN IT. I'M SO BLOODY TIRED OF FEELING TYPECAST AS LITTLE MISS MILKSOP. THAT IS NEVER WHO I WAS AND YOU KNOW IT. I was always the tomboy, the firecracker, the jester, the spitfire-- I never wanted a princess life, I rejected everything dainty, why the hell are you writing me as a pretty pansy now??? Why is THIS what happened when they killed all the "man" in me, because "good Christian girls" must be TOTALLY dependent on and subservient to men???
THIS IS THE EXACT SAME DAMN THING THAT CAUSED ALL THE ORIGINAL SEXUAL TRAUMA BACK IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YOU HEATHEN!!!!

ALSO DON'T FORGET "YOU'RE" MULTIPLE AND HAVE BEEN SINCE CHILDHOOD YOU IDIOT


Night =
Noticing snowflakes, "glitter in the dark". Made me think of Mimic. Accidentally pinged him so strongly he actually looked in, half asleep, asked what is reminding me of him now? I pointed to the snowflakes, he gives me the look and says "why."
I said its because you wouldn't think they would catch the light at all in the dark, it was surprising to notice, and only visible way up close. But it was beautiful to see.
Mimic said nothing for a moment, then generally stated "well, you said it, so I won't argue" and walked back out with the subtlest smile
I then added, basically, "Laurie, i would say that you're like that too, but that's not actually true. You're not so dark anymore. Now you're like the daylight."
Her expression in response was just... gold. Thank God we still feel this.


BTW don't forget Spotify wrapped today, and the unexpected sword-to-the-heart chronological snapshot it gave us

We get 20 MINUTES TO SIT DOWN THANK YOU GOD because tomorrow is First Friday and family is also busy so we're gonna be crushed with exhaustion. Lord get us through it. You always do.


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Universalis today.

"After Andrew had stayed with Jesus and had learned much from Him, he did not keep this treasure to himself, but hastened to share it with his brother. Notice what Andrew said to [Peter]: "We have found the Messiah, that is to say, the Christ". Notice how his words reveal what he has learned in so short a time. They show the power of the Master Who has convinced them of this Truth. They reveal the zeal and concern of men preoccupied with this question from the very beginning. Andrew’s words reveal a soul waiting with the utmost longing for the coming of the Messiah, looking forward to His appearing from heaven, rejoicing when He does appear, and hastening to announce so great an event to others. To support one another in the things of the spirit is the true sign of good will between brothers, of loving kinship and sincere affection."

1) The life of a Christian is one of fellowship & sharing from the very beginning. Nothing about our faith is meant to be "kept to ourselves-- and especially not Jesus Himself!
2) We must hasten to share what we learn from Christ. This should be an instinct for us, a drive, yet freely & willingly done, with all eagerness. We must love God so much, and our neighbor so much for His sake, that the very thought of depriving our fellow man of the joy we have received is intolerable. We must evangelize because we love. It is like a fire in us, seeking to give light and warmth to all it can. My point is: if we receive this treasure of faith and don't feel any impetus to share it, but cling to it privately, then our 'faith' is a selfish & impure & cowardly thing. It is a lamp under a bushel.
3) "FOUND." He had been looking for the Messiah, with the ardent hope and goal OF finding Him. He hadn't been looking "just to look," out of curiosity, like so many modern "seekers" do. 
4) Andrew was convinced of the Truth by Christ Himself, long before He had any public influence or status or testimony. All he had were John's direction, and the Lamb of God. That was all he needed-- no philosophical arguments, no stories of repute, no political acclaim-- just Jesus alone, Himself the only Witness required to His Own Truth. And how? By BEING. That's the Power Christ alone has. All His Words and actions, however good & true in themselves, are but expressions and emanations of Who He IS, beyond all language or human deduction. Andrew was convinced because his heart had been sincerely seeking God, and suddenly God was there in flesh before him. His very soul recognized Him, inevitably so. He knew he had found Him. He was convinced by grace, because he was open to receive it when it came. And how?
5) Zeal, concern, & preoccupation!
I think it's safe to say that, on a very real level, Andrew's daily life was constantly focused on seeking God. It would have to be, for him to "find" Christ at all-- you don't ever stop searching for your heart's treasure, even for a moment, if it is truly your treasure; you will always be preoccupied with it, however quietly. So was Andrew, searching for Christ.
...
6) Waiting with utmost longing, Looking forward, rejoicing, and announcing
7) Spiritual support is TRUE goodwill & brotherhood!!
...


"Immediately Andrew heard the Lord preaching, he left the nets by which he earned his living* and followed the giver of eternal life. ℣. Andrew endured his suffering for love of Christ and his law,* and followed the giver of eternal life."
1) the nets. Nets are meant to catch things, things get tangled up in them. The world is a net. But Andrew "earned his living" by them. So do most of us. Our jobs, our careers, our life pursuits become "nets" that just tangle us up, and keep us trapped in the world, even if they "put food on the table" they are eating us alive at the same time. That's what's so important about Andrew's reaction-- he left the nets. He abandoned his "daily bread" to obtain the True Bread. He left the world to follow its Creator. He untangled himself in the very act of choosing Jesus instead. He gave up his earthly way of life and found the Way of eternal Life.
2) giver vs earning. Andrew labored with his nets day and night, "earning" his living by the sweat of his brow, the very curse of Adam. But Jesus gives life. He removes the curse. Andrew no longer has to "earn the means & right to live," as it were, in a cutthroat world. He no longer has to worry about how he's going to survive. Christ now gives life entire, imperishable, free of charge, bought with His Own Blood, and the Life He gives is His very Self-- it is not money, it is not privilege, it is not anything earthly. Life is a Person, a relationship, that lasts forever, and Andrew does not have to do anything but follow Him in trust.
3) Andrew's endurance was his following. the keyword is "love." This is how we follow God, only love, and love is proved the most clearly and powerfully in suffering.


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Books

MDE is beautiful =
"To be able to become bread! To be able to nourish the whole world with His Flesh and Blood! I am terribly selfish and fearful when faced with suffering, but if I could become bread to save all humanity, I would do it. If I could become bread to feed all the poor, I should throw myself into the fire at once.
No, the Eucharist is not something strange: It is the most logical thing in the world, it is the story of the greatest love ever lived in this world, by a man called Jesus.
When I gaze on this bread, when I take up this bread into my hands, I gaze on and take up the passion and death of Christ for humanity. This bread is the memorial of His death for us. This bread is the trumpet call of the Resurrection, through which we, too, shall one day be able to rise.
This bread is the living summary of all God’s love for man. From Genesis to the prophets, from Exodus to the Apocalypse, everything is yearning towards this terrible mystery of God's tragic love for man. God, who made Himself present in the first covenant and yet more present in the Incarnation, becomes still more present in this mystery of the bread of life."

1) I love how simply yet profoundly the first line is phrased; it puts into shockingly clear perspective just what the Eucharist is and does. Jesus becomes bread. He becomes food for the whole world.
2) It's a true sign of the spark of God in all of us that we have this instinct, despite all our selfishness, to want to become bread too. Ask any parent. Ask any lover. Ask any child, even. If we could "become bread" to save even one soul from starvation forever, we would do it in a heartbeat. This is the impulse of God. This is what the Eucharist is, to infinite perfection.
3) "It is the most logical thing in the world." It really is. People talk about "love languages" and half-joke about "peeling oranges" for others but it's true. Look at a matron cooking meals for her extended family for hours on end, day after day, with a smile on her face. It's such a basic need, such a primal gesture of care. "I will feed you because I care about you, and I want you to live, and I love you." Of course God would become food for His people. But for Jesus to do this so literally, so perfectly, to become bread-- it's the most beautiful thing in the universe. It's the purest and profoundest love.
4) PRIESTS GET TO HOLD HIM LIKE THIS.
5) The Eucharist is a sign of the resurrection. That shocked me. Of course, it is a sign of His Death, and that is inseparable from His Resurrection-- but how we forget that so easily!
6) "this terrible mystery of God's tragic love for man." What a gorgeously aching sentence.
7) The Eucharist is covenantal. It is the most perfect Presence of God to man, even moreso than the Incarnation. Think about that!
...


"St. Irenaeus asks, “How can anyone say that our bodies, which are nourished on the flesh and blood of Christ, are brought to perdition? Our bodies, tasting of the Eucharist, are no longer corruptible, but have the hope of resurrection.”"
That's astounding. THEY ARE NO LONGER CAPABLE OF CORRUPTION. This is "common sense" when you realize WHY-- it's because THEY HAVE FED ON CHRIST. The literal atoms of the Eucharist, the Real Presence of GOD, have nourished these bodies and become an actual physical part of them. The Flesh & Blood of Christ, inseparable from His Soul & Divinity, have been our Bread. He CANNOT decay or corrupt or fade away, ever. He IS eternity, He IS Life, He IS salvation. He IS the Resurrection! And when we receive Him in this most blessed Sacrament, WE TAKE ALL THAT INTO OUR BODIES. It's amazing. It's on purpose. God WANTS that to happen. This is how He saves and transforms us most directly, most astonishingly. He changes us from the inside out, by the power of His Love, embodied in His Son, Present in this Sacrament, and now in us.


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VOTD = Psalm 119:2.
"We have a revelation of God's ways when we make His Heart our passion-- when we say, "God, I don't want to just know about You, I want to know You."...There's a lot of us who know God's faithful acts, but take the challenge to press in further, and ask God what is His Heart, so that you would know His ways. When you know His ways, then you know how He will respond-- and you can respond like your Father."
Every time I read something like this I want to cry.
We want this SO BADLY. Honestly I think in a very real but suppressed way we ALREADY HAVE THIS. Deep down, when we stop hiding and running and doubting the truth out of fear of feeling, we must admit that YES, HIS HEART IS OUR TRUEST PASSION. We aren't living that truth as completely as we want to, no. But it is the truth. It's the kernel at the center that cannot be denied.
We're so tired of mechanical praying. We're so tired of spending hours every day just reading articles and "doing the dailies." We're HUNGRY FOR GOD. WE WANT TO KNOW JESUS. We want to TALK TO HIM. We want to sit down and READ ABOUT HIS LIFE. We want to HEAR HIM SPEAK. We want to HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. We're so sick and tired of just this intellectual awareness of Him, this historical education, this ironically heartless datahoarding. The thriskefoni that bury themselves in prayer cards and chaplets and religious emails don't know Jesus as a PERSON. It's so sad. But we never knew Him before, especially not growing up. We never realized you COULD have a relationship with God, let alone that such a thing was ALLOWED, until very very recently-- again, probably the past two years, tops, and with the past year alone being one of the most spiritually potent we've ever had, if not the absolute trophy winner.
But the point is... we're still running circles around the goal. We're still avoiding our heart's desire. WHY.
It's because it's too headspacey.
Read that next line. Press in further. Ask God what His Heart is.
As far as we know, the thriskefoni cannot do that. Their anchor, our religious upbringing and experience, don't include that sort of intimacy. It's banned. It's blasphemous. It's sinful, to even consider-- to them, ANY intimacy, ANY closeness of that sort, is WRONG.
And it's absolutely one hundred percent what the System is ABOUT.
That's why there's this "civil war" going on. The religious voices want to declare a crusade and coldly erase all of us from existence because "we're not God." Whereas all of us inside, although we aren't as "pious" as they are, truly love God AND each other and we WANT TO GET CLOSER TO GOD.
...this is why the Cores keep begging God to give Infinitii "back." It's not something we'd ever do for a human. Headspace is different; people do die, but they die in order to be reborn. Even Laurie reminds us of this constantly-- her axe isn't meant to ruin, but to reset. If she ever does cleave someone's skull in half, it's so it can be put back together better. That's what "death" is for a nousfoni-- it is a hope, in the direct wake of despair. If we die, it is because we have failed to do what we were made to do, or we have committed a grave sin, causing permanent damage, et cetera. Death for us is a swift and direct "penalty" for our loss of light, but it also is, in and of itself, a solid hope of resurrection. ALWAYS. Thanks be to God. We don't die unless there's a real hope that we'll be remade as a result.
So the Cores are asking God to do that to Infi. Why?
Because Infinitii was the one of us who most ardently knew what it was like to love with one's entire heart and soul.
Infinitii COULD TEACH AND ENABLE US HOW TO LOVE GOD LIKE THIS. And believe me, ze DID... Jay still has very clear memories from church, that he clings to constantly, as they are the only way he can feel anything like it. NO ONE ELSE can get that close, without being shut down or pushed away.
It's too much to talk about in depth now, but the important thing is: Infi wasn't scared of opening hir heart, or letting anyone else into it. That was what killed hir, in the end, but it is also hir biggest hope of rebirth, if I can hope the same on hir behalf... because to use that great grace properly, it must first and foremost be directed TOWARDS GOD.
...The last bit up there, resonates with the Jay bloodline. "You will respond like your Father."
We have... weird issues, with fatherhood. We love our biological dad, dearly so, but... we never really knew him growing up. He was always at work, or distant, or uninvolved, or-- as the years dragged on-- out drinking. We had no idea who he was as a person until he moved out and got remarried, and started talking to us from that separate living space. We were no longer "in the same family" in a sense, although we were permanently bound by blood; we no longer shared a roof, my mother was no longer his wife. But that new "distance" brought us closer than ever, and continues to do so, oddly.
The point is: we never had an example of fatherhood in our life until now.
It's still something we glean only in flashes. We're in our 30s; he can't be our "dad" in the way our child-heart still unconsciously yearns for. But now we can recognize that there IS such a yearning, which we NEVER realized before, not until we got old enough to realize that hey, families AREN'T supposed to be terrifying, and by the grace of God started to realize that everything beautiful the Bible says about GOD is what fatherhood truly takes its essence from. God is THE FATHER. And that just... changed everything.
And yet, way back around 2011, Jay wanted to be a father more than anything in the universe and his heart caught that truth long before anyone else could even postulate its existence or semblance. Jay knew what fatherhood meant. He WAS a father. And it was beautiful.
When the bloodline was shattered by the CNC corruption and we lost that entire awareness with the Tilly takeover... it gutted us. We're still not-quite-alive in the wake of that loss. Yes, Jay is still (miraculously) alive, but he's a flickering light now, barely able to front, barely able to hold a form inside. There's "too much of a threat of him becoming a Core again," apparently, and "Cores aren't allowed to be male anymore." But those boys had such good hearts. They understood, somehow, "how God would react" even before we were religious-- long before we were consciously able to trust God, let alone even know Who He was.
...is it possible for the new compulsively-female "Cores" to respond like their Father? Or will the binary-forcing keep them, and therefore our body existence, fatally disconnected from God's Heart?
I don't know. This is something we need to sit and feel and talk about as a System, together, not something the thriskefoni can "reason out" or even truly pray about-- their hearts wouldn't be in it at all; they wouldn't pray for us anyway, sadly. We have to do that ourselves, even if they don't want to admit we can.
I'm sorry, I don't want to sound condemning. It just hurts so much, that they refuse to feel, at least anything but fear and panic that masquerades as obedience and devotion. We want to help them, too. We want ALL of the foni in the Spectrum to be together, like the Church; for heaven's sakes we're all one soul in the first place. We need to be united; we need to be family, we need to be as one, even in our multiplicity. It's possible. That's the beauty of it.
...I guess this is a bit of that Father-feeling, actually. The Prodigal Father, up on that hill, looking out for the lost son. It feels like we're doing that for ourself, in our most fragile and tender moments. God give us the grace to always keep our arms open to ourself, as You always do for us, so that we may all be gathered into Your embrace.



The prayer really stood out to me:
"God, I want to seek You with all my heart. You are my everything— so let my actions match my words. Each day, help me to draw closer to You. Guide me through each decision, and inspire me with new dreams and pursuits. I want to honor You in all that I do."
1)The prayer is admitting, "I confess that I'm not seeking You with all my heart, but I WANT to"... "You are my everything, BUT my actions don't match those words"... and then that striking plea, "LET them match," silently echoing "LET me seek you with all my heart." It's stunning. The focus is on our absolute need of God's gift of grace-- our total dependence on God empowering us in order to do ANYTHING good, because we have NO power on our own.
...
2) Likewise, "HELP me to draw closer to You." It just struck me how unique this is. Unlike between humans, I cannot approach God on my own; I cannot "draw near" physically or mentally, emotionally or spiritually, by my own efforts.
...
3) EACH DAY, and "draw closer." This is gradual, ongoing, and unending. It's never all at once. There is never a finish line.
4) The "guide me" follows the petition for closeness. The very "helping me draw close" IS CONNECTED TO the "guide me through"!
5) Again, "I WANT to honor You in everything I do... but by myself I don't know how." This is why the prayer asks for inspiration and guidance immediately prior.
..
6) INSPIRE ME WITH NEW DREAMS.


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KVOTD = A really sweet thought on Revelation 4:8!
"Imagine your favorite thing to do, and getting to do that every day forever... what if every day was the best day ever? ...Well, [this verse shows us that] in the Throne Room [of heaven], they never stop praising God. It goes on forever and ever and ever and ever. Every day they celebrate and worship Jesus-- they celebrate the God Who loves us forever. Every day is the best day ever. Every day we can praise God here on earth, too, and make it the best day ever! So how will you praise God today, to practice for Eternity?"
1) The simple childlike thought that the Ophanim are having the "best day ever forever" because praising God is their "favorite thing to do" is so, so sweet, and deeply touching. Lord, I pray to be blessed with such grace to feel the same.
2) The angels are worshipping JESUS, not just the Father!
3) When we worship, we echo the joyful songs of eternity here on earth. That's ASTOUNDING.
I love the analogy of "practicing." That hits so strongly and endearingly it hurts.
...

The prayer =
"God, thank You for the hope You've given me. One day, I will get to worship You in Heaven forever! Until then, please help me to be creative and find new ways to show You how much You mean to me. As I worship You, I know it will show everyone who knows me how great You are."
1) Cling to this hope. Make it the undercurrent of your life. Sing in your heart, like your Patroness, at all times, forever echoing this holy refrain. Let this hope anchor your soul to heaven.
2) This entire concept of personal creative worship is not something I ever heard as a Catholic, but it is so beautiful and important to me. It's joyous. It's liberating. It means I CAN worship God in COUNTLESS ways, to countless people! It means my faith and love and joy and hope are not imprisoned, not caged, not bound and muted!
3) Worship SHOWS. It is inherently public, praising and proclaiming. It is naturally evangelistic, an outpouring of inspired zeal, an act of grateful witness to the Breath and Fire and Living Water.
4) Worship changes how people see me-- it shifts the focus TO GOD!! Worship redirects the attention to HIM, not me! It makes me Christ's instrument, and He is the song-- it makes me His canvas, and Him the masterpiece. The Spirit paints, the Spirit performs, and God is all in all. I am nothing; that's the bliss!

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Scrupulosity articles hitting a bullseye over and over again =


"Feeling apathetic, lethargic, or careless about religion is understandable when you struggle with an anxiety disorder that is constantly trying to crush you with toxic spirituality, overthinking, and burnout. The apathy that we experience with OCD is not a true spiritual distaste but is a rejection of the overwrought, overly intense type of spirituality that OCD presses upon us."
THIS IS LITERALLY OUR EXACT PROBLEM. THEY ACTUALLY PUT IT INTO WORDS. Reading this, every lightbulb went on. We've NEVER heard ANYONE sum it up so clearly & bluntly before-- and without having words to express WHAT and WHY you're feeling, that monster remains invisible & intangible &  impossible to deal with. NOT SO ANYMORE!!
...


"Just because I have one bad day doesn’t mean my whole life is going down the tube. It doesn’t mean a relapse is imminent. [That's] absolutist thinking. It tells me that I must never have a relapse... that, if I go back to that dark place that I once was, I will never get out. It will be eternal. I can’t handle it. What black-and-white, absolutist thinking! I can recover if I have a relapse. It’s not the end of the world. I will survive whatever life throws at me because God is beside me and He will help me."
1) In any case, we don't want to risk it. "The dog returns to its vomit." Once the tiniest speck of corruption gets into your brain, you can't get it out. We know this from hellish experience, it's why we avoid the internet & television & radio whenever possible. A relapse might very well be imminent because you LIVED like that before for YEARS, and those well-worn paths of addiction don't disappear overnight. They might never disappear; they might have dug in so deep they left scars. You do have free will, of course, but never overestimate your freedom. How compromised is your state of mind? Don't risk it.
I'm rambling. Bad mindset. Sorry.
2)
3) ...I didn't expect that last line. It stunned me.
That says a fearful lot about where our anxious brain goes.
...
But... that line also feels heretically arrogant?
....


"What about people who struggle with the apathy that they feel after having a blasphemous thought, or apathy about spiritual things? How should they deal with the anxiety that arises in response to the primary disturbance, their apathy? Again, we need to recognize that the black-and-white, absolutist thinking of OCD is trying to get the upper hand. There are NO absolute statements in Scripture that say that Christians must always feel passionate and constantly soaring with lofty flights of ecstatic religious feeling.
And as for the feeling of horror that you might think should always accompany your intrusive thoughts– well, don’t forget that you’re dealing with repetitive, ego-dystonic thoughts that are pestering you every few minutes for months (even years!) on end. It’s natural for the brain to reach a point of emotional shutdown. You can only experience emotions like horror so many times before the mind tries to block out the intense emotionJust ask traumatized war victims if their emotional response was different the first time they saw a dead body, or the hundredth time.
When you think about it, emotional numbness is actually a fairly reasonable response to the intrusive thoughts we deal with. But that’s not my main point. My main point is that there are many layers in complex situations like scrupulosity. We have to avoid pinning ourselves to the wall with absolute beliefs like, “I should always experience horror at my blasphemous thoughts to validate the fact that I don’t want them.”

THIS BLINDSIDED US.
1) The Psalms especially destroy all absolutism-- and that has actually deeply disturbed me for years.
2) "EGO-DYSTONIC"
3) THAT "SHUTDOWN" IS LITERALLY THE "ESTAR PROBLEM"!!!!!!!
4) validation and trauma
...

I am admittedly very disappointed with the conclusion of this article; it got far too carefree, seeming almost flippant. "Oh well," etc.
"Oh well. If I relapse, I relapse. I’ll get over it again."
THAT'S FATALLY PRESUMPTUOUS.
But... they also say things like,
"Oh well. If I don’t have the disgust against my intrusive thoughts that I think I ought to have, I’ll just need to leave this one with the Lord and trust Him to read my heart rather than me trusting my own validation techniques."
How can you be THAT CASUAL ABOUT THE RISK THOUGH. Maybe that's our OCD talking. Even so, that's where we're at. Feeling apathy where it does not belong-- and where, "outside of OCD," it would be a grave sin & sign of a rotten heart-- and just saying "oh well, let God be the judge" is SUPER DANGEROUS. It's like hearing the fire alarm go off and saying "oh well, if it's a real fire, I'll let the firefighters take care of it." AND WE DO THIS, SO WE KNOW. THAT APATHY IS A HUGE RED FLAG AND IT IS NOT HEALTHY.
...

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"Sometimes, our emotions just shut down, like a safety shutoff valve. This might happen when we’ve been ruminating and obsessing about our faith for too long. Numbness and apathy might actually be the brain’s way of protecting itself from too much anxiety... what most people with Religious OCD are dealing with is not true numbness and apathy towards God, but rather a sense of mental exhaustion and spiritual burnout... it’s a pretty normal thing for people to grow numb when we go through extreme experiences. This is simply our body’s way of protecting ourselves, of shutting down the emotions so that we don’t become too overwhelmed for our own good."
1) I hate this so much. I DON'T WANT A BLOODY SHUTOFF VALVE. I'M SO TIRED OF THIS BUILT-IN COWARDICE. I'M SO BLOODY TIRED OF BEING NUMB.
...


"Elijah was suicidal. He asked God to kill him and let him sleep with his ancestors. But God didn’t do that. God understood that Elijah was experiencing burnout. He was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted after his turmoil on Mount Carmel. God did not forsake him in that situation. He understood that the way he feels right now is not the way he really feels. And that’s a beautiful lesson for us. When we’re in the midst of our OCD struggles, and we’re burned out and feeling numbness and apathy towards God, the way we’re feeling is not the way we really feel. And praise the Lord. He understands that."
...
...God understands????

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112923

Nov. 29th, 2023 11:28 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
 

FORGOT TO TURN THE ALARM ON
Miraculously woke up at 7:08 and BOOKED IT to Mass
MADE IT ON TIME, thanks be to God!!
Morning schedule actually went perfectly normally. That was a great blessing.
BK prep immediately at 10am because SOUP & SCRIPTURE SON!!
Mass first though, of course. Man we haven't been to OLOMC in MONTHS, since before we started using the bookbag I think? But it's been ages. And we were lucky-- since it was Wednesday, we got to say the Saint Joseph novena which we love.
S&S was, admittedly, a bit disappointing. The folks first ate for an entire half hour-- understandable, this was probably their actual lunch, and I used the time to read some very timely tabbed articles (a sermon on giving one's all to God, as the widow, and then a shockingly relevant warning on scrupulosity & prophecy which we NEED to type about)-- but then we didn't discuss the actual readings. It was mostly just church chat, which has its place for sure, but... we didn't give any solid attention to Scripture. And that did hurt. Nevertheless, Father E gave us the "basics" on Advent, which was informative, and the general conversation was still amiable and positive. Honestly I cannot complain-- if I did, which my stupid selfish ego is tempted to, it would show how closed my heart was to grace, how closed my mind was to inspiration. You MUST go into these things LIKE A CHILD, with no expectations except "God is working here; I can't want to see and hear what He does!" NO LIMITS.
Also don't forget the reading referenced our favorite super-obscure hymn, and now it's stuck in our head. Good.


Got home for 145 and breakfast was PERMAFROSTED, haha. Two minutes in the microwave fixed it though, no worries. Razor called them "glass eggs" because not only did they turn translucent, but also because she couldn't cut them at first as they were as solid as actual glass. It was hilarious.

A SUDDEN REALIZATION IN REALTIME:
PHONE TYPISTS CHANGE DEPENDING ON WHETHER IT IS SINGLE OR DOUBLE FINGER TYPING?????
THE SPEED AT WHICH THOUGHTS BECOME WRITTEN DOWN CHANGES THE TYPIST, BECAUSE THE SPEED DICTATES OUR MINDSET.
WHAT THE HECK THAT'S INSANE. BUT IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.


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Reading the A.R.E. papers on RECONCILIATION for today, and my heart is breaking into flame because THIS IS WHAT INFI'S HEART IS REALLY MEANT TO BE. I can feel it so clearly it is painful.
Quote it.
THIS is going to be their NEW NAME, too, I can feel it.
Every time I prayed about "things being ready" for Infi to come back, I kept getting "wait for December." And here we are, with something I never would have expected, right when I was able to receive it. God knows His schedule. We needed this class, and everything else that preceded it, before the stage could be properly set for what's next. I cannot predict or guess any of it, but God's timing is Impeccable. Trust in Him.

More System relevance =
"Atone: To be in harmony or accordance; literally to bring "at one", to reconcile, and thence to suffer the pains of whatever sacrifice is necessary to bring about a reconciliation."
"Atonement: the "condition of being at one (with others)," often achieved through "satisfaction or reparation for wrong or injury, propitiation of an offended party". The theological meaning is "reconciliation", of man with God through the life, passion, and death of Christ.
"Retribution: to "give back, give in return, restore, pay back, return in kind"; "recompense, repayment," especially "that which is given in return for past good or evil." Also "making or bringing requital, retaliative."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Evening =
Driving & weeping over Christmas loss. Parked and crumpled under it. Actually slumped over steering wheel and sobbing.

Bluntly honest in A.R.E. about confession questions.
SCRUPULOSITY CHASTISEMENT FROM FATHER!! It's actually "false humility," as it's entirely obsessively focused on SELF
...
Asked about "what if I'm haunted by the consequences of my sin, things I literally cannot change even if I confessed and repented"? Father VERY POINTEDLY used the example of alcoholism (he knows about the E.D.), and then knocked me out of left field-- he said that living with such a heavy cross, this humbling and constant awareness of what we did and were delivered from nevertheless, is a GREAT GRACE?????
He also used an example of "being cruel and bitter all your life" before gaining the grace to change, while still having the consequences and reputation of your past demeanor to deal with, perhaps permanently-- and that pinged Mimic SO HARD.

Father ALSO brought up SAINT DISMAS!
I mentioned he was my patron saint and Father said "devotion to him is very powerful"
(BTW when I got home, in the kitchen I was suddenly moved to pray to him to pray for me. I wasn't afraid to, it felt like sending a request to a real friend. Solemn but sincere, and strongly affectionate. It was surprising to feel such a trusting hope in myself, such a feeling of actual brotherhood)

Talking to Laurie, briefly, right before the class and during the first minutes. She was in tears, but soberly so, asking me with grave sincerity whether or not I actually forgave her... and asserting the affirmative on her own part.
"You bloody killed me, kid, and I forgive you completely"
I remember her notably stating that, in CNC, we basically "killed each other" by our stupid and foolish actions, but even then we didn't mean to do so. It was never our intention, although it was the awful result.
At one point she admitted this-- that her corruption and slipping directly caused my own death, and still affected me now-- and asked point-blank "do you forgive me." NOT pleading, but seeking an honest reply.
Immediately I started saying "yes, of course I do," but then I jarringly realized THAT WAS PROGRAMMING. When I actually felt down in our heart there was SO MUCH BITTER PAIN EVEN AT HER???? And it was all FUSED WITH OUR OWN SELF-HATRED.
I admitted this to her. It disturbed me that I HAD to "forgive her," that in order to say "I WANT to forgive you, I WANT to be close to you again, I WANT to be able to love you without flashbacks" etc. meant that I wasn't there yet.
Laurie gave me this achingly fierce smile and embraced me just as strongly, just as painfully. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to be able to accept and return it in total freedom. But there is a wound in the way. God help us. Please. It's been five years. We NEED to heal. We NEED to forgive ourselves.

...Laurie said she would much rather I say flat-out that I don't forgive her, but want to work that out together, than to blindly smile and say everything was fine, there's no problem, etc. and not actually heal anything-- because she KNEW there was damage, no matter how much we may try to hide or deny or suppress the severity of it.
...I'd rather bleed with her. I want to. I have so much pain that I've never felt and it's not even mine.
So much of it belongs to people who have died.
What do we do about that?



Home for 8, thanks be to God, we actually get to eat dinner

Mom leaving off a box of Jade/Viral's stuff because THEY'RE OUT OF THE PSYCH WARD TOMORROW. So we can't go to Bible study as we planned because our whole daily focus has changed.
Is that a sin? We are being relied on to help a family member in need, and if we want to feed our stupid body as well, we can't spend the whole morning in church. I feel like throwing up and scream-crying just saying that. What a girlish response. What on earth is wrong with me.

Anyway. We're giving so much it hurts. We can't do any less. That's just honesty. It's natural. I guess that's a grace too. Thank You God.

But poor mom. We ended up STOMPING in frustrated helplessness when talking to her, because she said "you keep scarring all your therapists away, I know what you tell them!" But she doesn't, or are we wrong? God I'm so sorry.
Unprocessed trauma is making us into a monster. 8+ hours if religious rituals every day is not healing those wounds. That sounds sacrilegious, but our disturbingly repetitive confessions say otherwise. We need to actually stop using religion as an excuse to run away from life, to run away from ourself.

I have no idea what to do. "I" still want to puke & scream & weep. I have no idea where that's coming from, or what to call such an emotion, other than overwhelmed helplessness. I want to cry. I want to sleep. There's too much to do. I'll see you tomorrow.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD =
"God's character is unchanging-- He is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. The God who loves us and gives us grace today will do the same tomorrow."

Please, repeat this to yourself. Remember it. It's true.
He's not going to suddenly stop giving you grace & love, because guess what? He HAS given us grace, through the Sacraments, and He HAS given us Love, through His Son and through the System. We have PROOF that such gifts HAVE been given, and therefore, since God doesn't change, He WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE THEM.
I know that sounds insane and impossible but it's TRUE. God isn't a human, or a mortal, or a creature. He is Perfect and Good beyond our ability to measure or comprehend and you're just gonna have to get used to that, haha.
...

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KVOTD =
The prayer fills this out beautifully, and builds on the VOTD too=
"God, You are good. No matter what happens in my life, I know that You are perfect and holy in every way. Please make me brave so I can praise you in every situation-- I know it will change things when I do."
1) A vital reminder of God's unchanging Goodness, expended and deepened by the simultaneous truth that He is also HOLY and PERFECT... whatever He allows to happen to us. That REALLY makes you awestruck. It's one thing to be in a crisis and say, "God is still Good. He is still using this for Goodness." It's another thing to say as well, in that crisis, "God is still PERFECT. There is no possible flaw or oversight or misstep in His allowing this." And ultimately, "God is still HOLY. Even as I am suffering greatly, even if I am being tormented by the effects & consequences of sin, God is forever holy, and He sees me in this state, and He is perfect and good and He loves me even now." Et cetera, with all reverence. Take it further, "in every way." His timing is perfect. His methods are holy. His purposes are good. His instruction is perfect. His chastisement is holy. His silence is good... There are so many layers. Honestly, pray through them when you're in distress, one by one. It will center your mind and heart in truth, and thus give you true peace.
2) Bravery is really a GRACE. Being "brave" by human standards often ends up bring arrogant and/or foolhardy instead. What we truly need is FORTITUDE. We need MORAL COURAGE. And we cannot obtain such manly virtues unless the Holy Spirit gives them to us. We must be MADE brave.
3) Real bravery, by definition, cannot be self-serving. If we pray for that grace, we will receive it only if our intention is directed towards God. We must desire to be brave for God's sake, not our own.
4) Why do we need to be brave? To praise God in every situation. That's HEAVY. It means that praise is soldier's work. It means that we will have to fight against fear, doubt, scandal, heresy, and other such vices that do violence to God's honor. It means that sometimes praising God will be the most difficult thing we could possibly do in some situations... and it means that, without the grace of bravery, we cannot praise Him. So do not take it for granted.
5) Praise and worship CHANGES THINGS... paradoxically because God never changes.
Worship brings His perpetual Goodness and Holiness and Perfection into whatever situation we're in,
...

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112423

Nov. 24th, 2023 10:28 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Morning shopping WITH DAD!!! 💙🤍💙🤍💙
Three hours and it flew by. It was a genuine joy.
Also we got THREE PAIRS OF ACTUAL SHOES SON!!!
In any case I was so happy just to be with dad.
He's suffering SO MUCH PAIN, though, from medication-induced inflammation. Pray for him. Sacrifice too, remember you CAN do that!!

REFLECTION DIDN'T MATCH but it IS RECOGNIZABLE??? It's the EARRINGS!!! Somebody is ANCHORED TO THOSE, someone Core-adjacent, but FEMALE and DISTURBINGLY VAIN.
...
Social mode fallout destroying our ability to be conscious at ALL. Fasting is exacerbating it. Gotta eat sonny boy!!

Listening to Beegie Adair's Christmas music because IT'S TIME.
Honestly in heartaching tears though. The year we discovered this music, and looped it all season, was RIGHT AFTER we escaped CNC, and that was grandma's year. It was before she got sick and before we went dormant. This music sounds like her, like those last dying embers of hope we had for a healed future, before everything hit the bricks and the next 4 years disappeared.
Nevertheless, we feel actual emotion from this. That's so important. Thank You God, even for the hurt, even especially so. It means a great deal, in so many ways.
But only the System can feel the truth of it. Only the System can feel the depths of love. Not we typist foni, especially not we on phones and media. But we know you can. So please do, soon.

Knife being distracted by blood during prayer, because its IN the prayer. He has this uniquely numinous understanding of it. But it still feels wrong? Too intimate, too consumptive? He was in tears, distressed. He doesn't want to be a "vampire" anymore in any case-- there's too much difference between him and the cultural myth. He doesn't want to be corrupted or to scandalize anyone.
He may end up with ALL sharp teeth like his sister, and Sugar & Spice for the record. Albuskinned foni tend to have sharkmouths, haha.


2PM BK, to be expected.
Mild allergic reaction to the CARROTS???? We feared this actually, because we do get random hives & dyspnea & sharp stomach pain when we eat AND that one kitchen foni is TERRIFIED of green carrot ends... and apparently, as we ONLY learned YESTERDAY, carrots are cross-reactive with CELERY AND PARSLEY. We have allergies to BOTH. So it may all indeed be related.
So... just like with our past dietary staples, God may be telling us, "it's time to change." We don't know what to change TO-- there aren't many options left-- but God does. Surrender to Him, pray for guidance & patience & courage & trust. He isn't trying to starve you or malnourish you. You can rest in that. Whatever you truly need, He will provide you, and lead you to obtain. Don't be afraid to let go and move forwards. We've been through massive dietary upheavals before; if this one means we'll be finally free of even just the hives & breathing trouble, then bring it on, Lord.

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System relevance in our inbox =
"Violet is the liturgical color that symbolizes penance, sacrifice, and prayer, and as such, it characterizes both Advent and Lent. Moreover, during Advent, we meditate particularly on the coming of our King at Christmas. In this way, the color violet—traditionally associated with royalty—takes on a dual meaning, representing both the penitential nature of the season and the kingship of the coming Christ, [who we prepare for by our prayerful penance]."
THAT IS WHY LAURIE NEEDS TO STAY VIOLET. THIS IS HER HEART.
Yes, Purple is great too, but its NOT THE SAME AT ALL. The two hues are NOT "interchangeable"; they have VASTLY different roles! This applies to ALL hues, for the record-- Green and Spring and Spruce are not the same, Blue and Sky and Sapphire are not the same, etc. Of course they're related, but they're nevertheless distinct and clearly so. The separation is necessary for proper function & order. It's why blurring & sliding can kill you.
...

"The Third Sunday of Advent is called Gaudete (“Rejoice”) Sunday. On this day, we celebrate that our wait is almost over and we witness the sudden introduction of a lovely shade of rose in our churches and our Advent wreath. As the liturgical color used to signify joy, rose is used in the third week of Advent in anticipation of the coming of the Messiah."
This is extremely important to us because, notably, Pink is NOT ROSE. The two are VERY different, ESPECIALLY liturgically!
System-wise, though, PINK leans VIOLET, and ROSE leans RED. Heck, Rose IS "Red," just a pastel tint of it! But PINK is ITS OWN THING. So their vibes and functions are VERY DIFFERENT.
...


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YouTube notification as soon as we got home=
HEY APATEFONI. GET SLAMMED
https://youtube.com/shorts/yUGHdG8e7A0?si=He0hmea96gJvZKnv

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Ttywpf=
"But what kind of a King is Jesus? ...He is not accompanied by a court, He is not surrounded by an army as a symbol of power. He is received by humble people, simple folk who have the sense to see something more in Jesus.
What is the relationship between your simplicity and your ability TO accept Jesus? What is Jesus asking you to put aside to receive Him? Where is Jesus asking you to be humble so that you are more like Him?"

There is SO MUCH to seriously ponder here.
1) I know nothing about royalty, but Jesus's Kingship has no attendees and no army, and that by itself in concept deserves reflection. He had no one serving Him. He had no one defending Him. He showed no military power, no physical force. He did not seek to conquer land or enslave people. He had no nobles attesting to His lineage or glory or character. He just showed up, as Himself, unarmed and unannounced by all but the Prophets. But despite all this poverty He still showed up AS KING. He arrived as one returning home. Which is why--
2) He is RECEIVED. His Kingship is REAL but hidden, and can only be recognized by hearts like His Own: simple & humble & devoted to God, and thus ABLE to be ruled by Him? Proud & clever hearts are too wrapped up in themselves to recognize any "kingship" but their own, however usurped & impotent it truly is.
3) SIMPLE FOLK HAVE THE SENSE. I love that. Pride think simplicity is stupid, but only the simple minds are clear & direct, able to discern the essence of things, unsullied & untroubled by egotistic ambition.
4) If I'm not simple, I will be unable to accept a simple King. It's that blunt. His Kingdom IS so stripped-down, pinpoint focused on God, that there is no room for complex drama & libraries of distraction.
5) The phrasing "put aside to receive" suggests that my hands & arms are involved, symbolically. I need to embrace Christ. I need an open posture, I need clean hands. What am I afraid to put down?
6) The phrasing "where can you be humble" suggests location. It's not a "how" or "when". It's bluntly practical. It's place.
...


abbodfer = "Love has room for everybody. True friends love each other like God loves us. He loves us the same, no matter how many new people become part of His family."
...I've never experienced this in bodylife and that aches.
Still. GOD loves me, and everyone, like this, and THAT gives me such comfort I could weep from sheer gratitude. I no longer have to fear being replaced. I no longer have to fear becoming obsolete. I no longer have to fear being expendable.
...

The written VOTD reflection =
"When the Church was new, it didn’t have a complete, written Bible, and access to Hebrew Scripture was limited... We now have an incredible gift in the Bible. We have the full counsel of God from both the Old Testament and the New Testament. Through God's Word, we can know God's plan and purposes, the story and Truth of Jesus-- Who Jesus is, what He has done, and how we should respond-- and how we are to live a life worthy of our calling in Him... being full of love for one another, as followers of Christ. And, we can encourage one another to keep our eyes on Jesus, as we study and learn Scripture together, praising God together and being thankful for all He has done-- including giving us access to His wisdom, guidance, and teachings through Scripture in the first place, and for giving us the opportunity to worship and praise Him together as believers.
So, take time in your day, every day, to read God's Word. Study its content and context. Discover God's character, plans, purposes, and love as you allow His Word to dwell in you richly. Then, whenever possible, spend time with other believers and discuss what you've read."

1) The Bible IS an amazing gift, a privilege, an indescribable grace. But we take it for granted, just like our religious freedom. It's humbling. Sit and think about the real gravity of this.
...
2)That community focus here is actually so important, because I typically think of Scripture study as a personal thing. But it needs BOTH personal AND public aspects, because I'm not living my faith alone, AND because Scripture is NOT UP TO PERSONAL INTERPRETATION. This is why we go to Mass, and have Bible studies based on Saintly and/or Papal writings.
...
3) It never ceases to amaze me that we can "get to KNOW GOD" through Scripture, Because it IS His Word, His Self-revelation in Christ. We CAN "discover" God's character, His purposes, His plans, His wisdom, His teachings, AND His Love. It's ALL in there, written out in human language, for us to understand what was previously pure mystery, obscure and inaccessible to man.
BUT WE NEED THE HOLY SPIRIT!!!
...still. What an ineffable work of God's infinite Love, just TO give us this ability and opportunity TO know Himself, in the Bible.
...

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KVOTD = 1 Thessalonians 5:18, a timeless classic honestly.
"Big stuff tiny book," haha! Man we used to LOVE making those, we SERIOUSLY SHOULD AGAIN.

"When you feel empty of joy, gratitude can fill you with joy. Gratitude reminds us of how much God cares for us. It brings us back to what matters, even on our worst days."

Just like hope, true joy is NOT contingent on circumstances, but anchored securely in GOD'S CHARACTER.
We must actively remember and assert that God is merciful, righteous, just, loving, wise, attentive, compassionate, understanding, trustworthy, and faithful-- and we must declare this DURING our most frightening trials, because they are CONSTANT EVEN THEN. This Truth of God is the bedrock foundation of ALL gratitude, and therefore of all joy. We CAN Rejoice IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES through Christ Jesus, Who reveals and manifests ALL those divine characteristics to us in His Person, and Who is PRESENT WITH US THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT. The Trinity is always together and the Spirit is WITHIN YOU, even when you're on your cross-- even especially then! God cares for you THAT MUCH. Your suffering is even a blessing, conforming you more closely to The Son. THAT is what matters most-- our salvation, our Savior, our hope of heaven, our Christian walk. We have an unshakable Source of grateful joy, a Good Shepherd even in the valley of the shadow of death.

"There are joyful blessings all around you-- even right now, in this moment-- and practicing gratitude enables us to offer God our full appreciation of them."
It's a very good habit to recognize blessings in everyday life, in common situations and routine, in otherwise uneventful moments. There are no unblessed times. Everything is overflowing with grace. We just need gratitude to see it, to recognize and name it, and therefore to thank God for it. We owe it to Him, not just as His children, but also simply because He gives everything to us at all times. That sort of limitlessly loving largesse deserves all the thanks we can ever possibly give, by virtue of justice alone!

"Ungratefulness causes cynicism, entitlement, and jealousy."
THAT'S SCARY. We forget that both virtues and vices are terrifically proliferant. They naturally emanate from one another. Of course, some are more powerful than others, for good or ill, and ungratefulness is actually quite high on that list. Why? Because it is a disposition of denying the goodness of God. That's LETHAL. It will absolutely kill your soul if you persist in it.
Its "offspring" are further proof of its malignity. It causes cynicism by rejecting hope, refusing to see the goodness of God in all things. It causes jealousy because it cannot see the abundant blessings in its own life, and suspects that others are hoarding all the joy. And it causes entitlement, which is effectively luciferean, by insisting that "God owes ME," and has failed to provide. Every one of these vices is based on a total lie.

"Even on a bad day, you can always think of three things to be grateful for! They can be big or small things. Name them, and write them down. Be sure to keep a record of the things you appreciate so you can revisit it later."
The immediate thought: THAT'S THE ARCHIVES!! And God knows they DO perform this function too.
This is also obviously why the nightly entries MUST begin again soon. Without them, we forget everything. The days blur together into a colorless haze, and we lose all memory of tiny precious blessings.

"Don't be in a rush. Enjoy good things in the moment they happen. And when you appreciate someone, tell them."
This is Christian mindfulness!
I immediately think of people at concerts, forsaking the actual experience in order to film it on their phones, but life doesn't even give you such an opportunity for a rewatch. Either you experience it RIGHT NOW, or you don't. It's that stark. Either you are present in this moment, or you are not. Believe me, we struggle with dissociation and depersonalization, you know this, we are warning you from experience. Nothing is scarier than "waking up" in your own head and not knowing where the past year has gone. Altered states, addictive cycles, media binges, timesink phone apps, et cetera... they all pull you out of the moment, out of the NOW of God, and therefore out of gratitude. And of course, so does simply rushing, the result of trying to survive the rat race of a career, or of trying to outrun the shadows dogging your steps, or of trying to reach some horizon that keeps shifting red... rushing has its sights set on some "better tomorrow" and so it is unable and unwilling to see or admit that today-- this very moment-- could actually contain all the joy they've been chasing blindly after.
We have to listen to Jesus. "Do not worry about tomorrow." God WILL provide. He is providing right now. Just open your heart and look.
Next point =
Telling people that you appreciate them, even "at random," is such a good and holy habit. You never need a "right moment" to express gratitude because EVERY moment is a right one! Send a text, send an email, leave a comment, make a phone call, pay a visit, mail a card, whatever-- but ACT ON IT IMMEDIATELY. Do not quench the Spirit! And if you genuinely have no way to contact that person at the time, PRAY IN THANKS FOR THEM. Really, do that all the time. Make that a habit. Give thanks to God for their very existence, every day. Watch how that changes your heart.

"Find gratitude in your challenges. What can you appreciate, even when things are tough?"

This takes faith and practice but it is a HUGE GRACE and it HAS SAVED OUR LIFE, so to speak.
Honestly, reading the Archives is SUCH a powerful practice of this very thing. If anything is going to flood our heart with gratitude, it's seeing how even the darkest days were still woven into our System's ultimate Good, BY GOD.

...


The questions genuinely surprised me with their insight=
"How can you choose to notice good things today?
1) I can list three things that I'm grateful for in a gratitude journal
2) I can be vocal when I see something I'm grateful for.
3) I can serve people who need something to be grateful for."

1= We've mentioned lately how we need to start a gratitude journal again, to have that running log, and really it SHOULD be on paper. That makes it more immediate, more sincere, more intimate, more warm, more childlike.
2= We've been actively making effort on saying we're grateful in the moment we feel it! We may never get the chance again, after all. The Holy Spirit is absolutely enabling, nudging, & helping us to do this.
3= This HITS HARD. Think about the weightiness of it. Right now, in my immediate community, there are people who "need something to be grateful for." That's heartwrenching, and it's TRUE.
...
...


The prayer seems commonplace but that means we must take it more seriously; if we are tempted to skim over or skip something because it's "obvious," we're actually blinding ourselves to deeper truth. All such judgment & resistance is proud & of the devil.
Most importantly = the devil never wants us to take our faith seriously. So if you EVER make an excuse to "lighten up", "brush off", or even "laugh/ scoff/ roll your eyes at" something Christian, then you're denying Christ in a very real sense. You're treating His Calling as a joke. It's just as bad as outright avoidance, flinching & wincing, keeping your mouth shut, hesitating & neglecting to admit or own your faith.
We must ALWAYS take our faith seriously, no exceptions. It is nota hobby or game. It DOESN'T lose its gravity when taught to children, even when the language is gentler. It still speaks the same immortal truths of power.

On that note, here's the simple prayer.
"God, thank You for every blessing You have placed in our lives. Thank You for our home, our family, and the life we get to live for You."
How easily would we say this without thinking, or truly feeling? We should be ashamed.
First, SAY THANK YOU AND MEAN IT.
Second, there are no exceptions. When we realize that "God IS blessing", and only sin is a curse,
Third, God has PLACED each blessing. This is DELIBERATE, purposeful, perfectly timed.
Fourth, do you ever really sit and think of WHY these "typical responses" ARE typical? It's because they're ALWAYS BLESSINGS. Faith, family, and home are really basic needs, on a spiritual level, and can ONLY be given by God because they are pure gift, meant for good, purposed for Himself.
...
Fifth, we "GET TO" live. A Christian heart rejects the devilish lie of entitlement, as it recognizes that all is grace, all is gift, and all is also God-directed.
...


"God, please keep our eyes open to just how good You are to us so we can reflect that goodness to others."
We cannot reflect a light we cannot see. The mirrors of our hearts must be facing the Son in order to catch His Goodness, but also turned to face the "room", the world we live in, as well, in order to "shine" that Light into dark corners even across the expanse.


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112323

Nov. 23rd, 2023 10:26 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Thanksgiving Mass

Cemetery visit
DAD VISIT!! 🧡
He wants to buy me winter boots?? That's really sweet. Gonna go to BOSCOVS TOMORROW WITH HIM to do so!!
Man we haven't done something together in YEARS.


José is BLASTING Spanish ballads haha. God bless that dude.

BK at 2pm THAT'S 21 HOURS FASTING BRO

Already allergy terror over ONE TINY BRUSSELS SPROUT.
Legit had to take Benadryl to stave off the panic attack. This is insane.

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GUESS WHAT WE'RE DOING TODAY.

"Is this desire to see Jesus capable of fulfilment in our present state, and, if so, how? The promise I want particularly to speak of is, 'He that loveth Me shall be loved of My Father... and I will manifest Myself to him'. 'If a man love Me,' said our Lord, 'He will keep My words, My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make our abode with him.' This shows that the vision is made to the heart and soul, and it is made to the man who walks steadily in the path of obedience. Do not lose sight of the condition! We must cultivate that holiness without which, we are told, no man shall see the Lord. Each one of us has an enemy whose ceaseless object it is to hinder us from seeing Jesus. 'The God of this world hath blinded the eyes of them that believe not, lest the light of the glorious Gospel of Christ should shine into their hearts'... Do not put this matter off till a more 'convenient' season. Seek Him earnestly, very earnestly, in the pages of His Holy Word, where He does reveal Himself, and if only you do this persistently and believingly, you must succeed."
I never understood that PROMISE in this light before. But its strikingly apparent: if Jesus comes to abide in us, we will inevitably "see Him"; He is sharing our most intimate living space!
But break it down:
1) Jesus will "manifest Himself"-- a word meaning "to clearly reveal to the eye or the understanding, open to view or comprehension"-- ONLY to those who LOVE HIM.
2) IF we truly love Him, we WILL keep His Commandments.
3) This manifestation happens because the FATHER loves the person in question???
4) This manifestation occurs THROUGH the Father AND the Son making their abode in the lovingly obedient heart.
5) Therefore, this manifestation is not "visible to the eye," but to the eyes of the heart, which alone are able to see the Truth, which is in the Spirit.
6) This vision, this abiding, this revelation, HINGES ON HOLINESS, which is apparently rooted in OBEDIENT LOVE.
7) To reemphasize: YOU CANNOT SEE GOD WITHOUT HOLINESS.
8) The devil will do all in his power to rob us of this "sight."
9) The last line is a beautiful paradox-- it claims we CAN see Jesus IN HIS WORD, through faithful persistent searching. This seems to imply that we can "find Him ourselves." But we cannot. An atheist can have Scripture memorized and yet never see Jesus in it.
...
...


"In every corn of wheat that finds no congenial soil there are undeveloped possibilities of harvest... of undeveloped lives. [Yet] one of the first things to arrest me in Christ Jesus is His influence in developing the lives He touched. Jesus touched nothing which He did not adorn. What, then, were the great forces Jesus used in developing undeveloped life?
The first was His central truth that God is love. We all know how love develops character. That was the first power that Jesus used. He said to a repressed and fearful world, 'God loves you'.
But there was another power that Jesus used. It was the human instinct of self-surrender. It is the glory of Jesus that He called self-surrender into the service of our self-development.
Lastly, and this is the crowning inspiration, our Lord expanded life into eternity. Our life shall go on developing forever, [in the Light] and in the Love of God. I know no thought more depressing, as life advances, than the thought that all effort is to be crushed at death. But if death is an incident and not an end, if every baffled striving shall be crowned, [then] I can renew my struggle after every failure. It is that knowledge, given us by Jesus, that has inspired the development of Christendom."

1) All seed needs "congenial soil" to develop. That word means "suited or adapted in spirit, feeling, temper, etc.; compatible:," and etymologically it means "partaking of the same nature or natural characteristics"-- essentially, "kindred".
For plants, and for people, this means we need a place where we can take root-- we need an environment that can meet our needs, that can properly nourish & sustain us, that will give of itself to us so we in turn can enrich it in time... we need acceptance, cooperation, harmony... we need community, empathy, family. We need a foundation. But corn cannot grow in sand. Wheat cannot grow in clay. Acorns cannot grow in mud. You get the idea. We need a hospitable ground, a secure & solid place where we can settle in to survive.
2) JESUS IS THIS PERFECT SOIL FOR OUR SOUL. He cannot hinder life; His very existence promotes & preserves it. Everything that takes root in Him will flourish forever. However--
3) JESUS'S TOUCH IS WHAT GIVES LIFE? I need to drop the metaphor. A life may be completely undeveloped due to sin and its miseries-- just like mine. But Jesus can touch that life and jumpstart development there against all odds. How?
4) LOVE. I keep rereading that line. "Love develops character." That's the entire story of the System. It's the story of every Outspacer. I could honestly cry. Our entire existence is a blessing. We've survived by sheer grace. The absolute core of our being is Love and that is the power of God. Not us. WE are a gift ourselves. JESUS ALONE enabled us TO feel and live this love, because IT IS FROM GOD. If God didn't love us first, unconditionally and entirely and mercifully, and PROVE it IN CHRIST, we wouldn't even know what the word meant. But we see its total and perfect definition in the Face of Jesus. That's honestly a fact. In our blackest fears, in our bloodiest nights, even when we were far from formal religion, God was with us. We ourselves were proof. Christ was making Himself known THROUGH us. Remember we ARE Baptized, we ARE Confirmed, we HAVE received the Eucharist even back during the Julie days, when our doing so may have been monstrously irreverent but we didn't know, we were so ignorant and lost and scared. But Christ was with us. And although we didn't know Him personally yet, although He was still just a "part of our religion" and not yet a Friend, even though we didn't even understand what He had done for us and why... He loved us so much that He never stopped gently yet irresistibly drawing us to Himself. And He did that THROUGH OURSELVES.
I want to type so much about this. It's why I and we REFUSE to let anyone destroy the Archives, although they have destroyed virtually everything else. We still have written records of the truth of our history, and the fingerprints of God are all over it.
God has used each one of us for His Loving Purposes, as ourselves, for each other, and yet also as His instruments and for Himself. It's a beautiful dance, even if we were completely ignorant of it as it was occurring-- perhaps that was the only way it could happen, as it kept our ego out of it entirely; even if we were ignorant only and never malevolent, we still would have been an obstacle, because it takes total self-abandoning surrender to be used by God and we were not capable of such radically sacrificial trust back then, when we didn't even know God AS God-- we're not yet capable of it now, either; God give us the grace, please, in proper time, but please give it.
But... God taught us about Himself through our inner life. No one can deny this. We have all been signposts leading to Him, in one way or another-- but there is only one Way, and that is Christ, and HE has been reflected in our existences ultimately. That's inevitable, actually necessary, for there to be any truth in it, and there is-- which I can only say because the end IS and has been always explicitly GOD. We consciously work to bring each other to Him. Still, even before we reached this point OF Knowing Him enough TO do so knowingly, God was doing the same without our conscious awareness? How do I even phrase this. Let's just be completely honest and list examples. That's where the truth is, not in talking in circles around the heart of the matter.
...
...
5) SELF-GIVING.
6) HOPE.
7) This all ultimately affects the HARVEST!!!
...

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Daily Catena quote is 100% what Laurie was CREATED TO BE and honestly Lord we NEED THE GUTS & GRACE TO BE LIKE THIS AGAIN=
"Are you angry? Be angry at your sins, beat your soul, afflict your conscience, be strict in judgement and a terrible punisher of your own sins. This is the benefit of anger, wherefore God placed it in us." (St. John Chrysostom)
All the new-age moral relativism & spiritual "feelgood-ism" we've been exposed to since ~2009 has severely crushed our ability TO feel this self-directed moral anger. It was kept alive solely by Nousfoni like Wreckage and Sugar and Scathe, when Laurie started to slip from her violent anchor, but then CNC basically chloroformed our conscience. That was ultimately why we swore to never go back, even if that decision caused huge & irreparable losses on both sides. We had no other choice, when we realized what we had allowed to happen to our heart, how softly rotten it had become.
We still have anger, somewhere, but it's buried in Nousfoni who need to be triggered out, usually through bad therapy or sxtrauma exposure. It's been labeled as "bad," "not allowed," "dangerous," by the somafoni at large because anger necessitates internal awareness. It requires a sense of self, and a sense of injustice, to BE felt at all. When you justify everything, when you refuse to be self-aware, when you insist that everything is okay and you have no rights to argue... then anger gets shoved into the subconscious, and we don't get anywhere in life or healing or honesty.
One good thing is that repressed anger WILL eventually wake up SOME deeper level of headspace. It starts to echo in there, in those lower caverns, and there's too much resonance for it to stay quiet for long.
But I digress. The point is, the anger we NEED to feel and WANT to feel is NOT offended or vengeful or irritated. The anger we are unjustly burying and denying out of false humility & proud demurity is ANGER AT SIN-- specifically OUR OWN.
That's why Laurie can't heal. That's why Infinitii can't resurrect. That's why NO ONE can move on from CNC, or SLC, or grandma's death. Feeling legitimate righteous anger AT OUR OWN SINS is the FIRST STEP TO HEALING!!!! We cannot heal if we don't expose the wounds AS WOUNDS, not only in their ghastly severity but ALSO in their AWFUL INJUSTICE. A doctor who is mending a patient's stable wounds must be both as completely honest about & aware of the gravity of the injury as he is angry at the fact that this human being has been so harmed. Felt properly, anger accompanies compassion; in that tandem it dignifies both the victim and the oppressor, insisting that the humanity of both has been compromised in the injustice done, and crying out for mutual restoration. Anger also gives mercy its weight, for that virtue is the most potent & sincere when it is "undeserved." Anger also empowers forgiveness-- again, because it recognizes and reveals a failure to live as Christ created us to live, and yet in that very conviction, it allows for repentance. You cannot "repent" without knowledge OF sin, and anger is the result of that knowledge. BUT. ANGER IS NOT HATRED. We can and should and arguably must get angry with ourselves for our lazy soul, our weak conscience, our distracted body, but we must NEVER HATE ourselves. Hatred of life is malevolent and it is of the devil. The ONLY thing we can righteously "hate" is SIN, for sin IS death and malignancy by nature; it is a non-being, and we must be entirely opposed to it as in war, for we ARE in a spiritual war as long as we are on this earth.
I'm starting to ramble. Lord I hope I didn't say anything heretical. I don't trust my own thoughts anymore, at all. I'm not schooled enough in Scripture yet. All I know is that Jesus Himself was indignant and angry at sin, but never at the sinner, and His anger moved Him to work all the more arduously to call those very sinners out of their fatal state-- even if that meant speaking or acting "in" that anger, such as being "brutally honest" in chastisement, and flipping money-tables. But there was never hatred of anything but the sin that blinded them, and He was thus moved to do anything He had to in order to awaken them to the danger they were in.
So, we need to open our heart to that anger again. We can't be so cowardly & stubborn. How the heck did we get like this? Where did this disgusting self-righteous resistance come from? THAT makes us angry. Lord, give us a heart humble enough to gladly accept Your harshest corrections, and strong enough to manfully stand the blows of chastisement without crumbling in self-pity. Make us a noble child. We don't want to be a simpering wet blanket anymore, however that happened. Give us Your Fire of Love and Justice. Burn all the sinful self-indulgence and sloth out of our soul. Give us true zeal and courage. Give us an ardent desire to know, live, and defend the Truth of the Gospel. Give us the grace to be angry at our sins, because they offend You and dishonor Your Name! But also give us Your grace of Mercy, that we may never despair or become vengeful over injustices, instead forgiving ourself and others through the Spirit of Christ, so that sin is disempowered and only Your Love triumphs. 



111223

Nov. 12th, 2023 10:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Hell nightmare

MASS!
Homily about MISMANAGEMENT & PREOCCUPATION with material goods?? "Too busy with the world to get ready for Jesus"


Evening=
God bless José and his sautéing garlic at 830pm

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KVOTD = Exodus 40:38.
Questions =
"What does today's verse teach you about God's Presence?
It never leaves me.
It guides me to where I'm meant to go.
It shows up in unexpected ways."

1) Sit with a second with that shocking truth that God's Presence DOESN'T LEAVE YOU. Stop doubting and denying this because of what you've been told by others in the past.
2) God always guides you to where you NEED to go. He's not so powerless that He "can't stop you from foiling His plans." Don't be so proud. God loves you too much anyway. Yes, you might still wander, and you absolutely do, but whenever you tap into awareness of His Presence, He WILL guide you-- just by virtue of BEING-- to where you need to go, where you're meant to go, which is right into His arms.
3) Oh we can attest to this one, rather blissfully actually. "No such thing as coincidences," and "God can use ANYTHING as a channel for Himself," as it were. When you're not even looking for God, suddenly, there He is. And notice, this isn't just talking about His Voice. This is talking about His PRESENCE "showing up", unexpectedly, against all odds and expectations and even sense. And He does. It's a paradox, because He doesn't ever go away, He's always there, but you might not perceive that for days or weeks or months, even years if you're really despondent. Nevertheless, even then, I can assure you, there will be breakthroughs, sudden moments where you just know God is there. Even in something so commonly lauded like a sunset or sunrise, a beautiful chord in a song, a butterfly or a hummingbird hovering, a sudden shock of rain or snow that makes you laugh in wonder, et cetera. If you perceive real beauty in those moments, real awe, you will catch the tiniest glimpse of God. And sometimes, He reaches in and embraces you through that keyhole and suddenly your heart is never the same. Keep your heart open, even just a little, but don't ever shut the door. Leave the light on for God. He'll surprise you, one day, with arms full of roses, even in the middle of the night.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Universalis =
"For the Bible, Wisdom is not knowledge, such as scientific or philosophical knowledge acquired by study and learning, or even the sound judgement acquired by experience and maturity. It is the reflection of God’s own Wisdom: the Wisdom by which God creates the world and guides humanity. Wisdom is therefore divine, a reflection or image of God, ‘the reflection of the eternal Light and the image of His power’. Everything created is good in so far as it expresses this Wisdom of God... We need to seek out this Wisdom. It can be granted only by God, but God is eager to share divine Wisdom with those who truly seek it. This reading is given here to pair with the gospel-reading, through the image of keeping awake to seek for the banquet of Wisdom."
1) Wisdom is NOT acquired by human means. It is not found in nature, in intelligence, in experience, in age, or in logic. This is shocking; it shows that no matter how "wise" we may be by human standards, it is NOT "true wisdom" insofar as it is of our own merit & opinion.
2) In direct result, I have no way to define God's Wisdom other than what is given here. It's something you can only "know" by the Spirit, in your heart, as God gives it. It's ineffable outside of grace.
3) The STUNNING revelation that Creation was made BY Wisdom and FOR Wisdom-- to "reflect Him", even only by a trace, specifically by reflecting His Light, and to "show His Power," which is True and Good... and, arguably, Creation-- by being of & for Wisdom-- is also meant to guide humanity to God. I think Saint Paul says that in effect, actually.
4) We NEED TO SEEK WISDOM. It's not optional!
5) God is "eager to share." That's stunningly beautiful and moving. It absolutely demonstrates the "childlike heart" required for Heaven.
6) The banquet of Wisdom IS the banquet of the BRIDEGROOM!!


I'm pasting this bit separate as it stunned me=
"In the New Testament, Jesus is seen as the incarnation of God’s own Wisdom as well as the incarnation of the ‘Word’ of God, for Jesus is both the first-born and the summit of God’s creative purpose."
1) How is Jesus "firstborn" if He wasn't created? My thoughts are: Because, from eternity past, the Son PLANNED to Incarnate. Before humans were created, The Son-- Who Is Jesus-- had already decided to be united with them one day in the fullness of time; indeed, since He Is Eternal, it may be reasonably said that even before creating Man He was already the God-Man, the Crucified One. What I'm trying to say is= Jesus is the "firstborn" because He Existed before anything else did, and that Existence is inextricably bound to His Incarnation. So the Man Jesus WAS somehow "extant", if only in eternity, even before the world itself. OR, in another connection, the first actual creature was Light, which Jesus IS, and so Light's very essence & definition were effectively "already extant" in the preincarnate Jesus-- God the Son-- and likewise with ALL CREATION. Jesus IS Wisdom, after all-- and if Wisdom IS the "image of God," then that not only applies literally in His Incarnation, but also in how Creation itself has its beginning and fulfillment in Him, the "firstborn" of all that is Good, and the perfection of Goodness itself.
2) Jesus created all things. Jesus guides humanity. Jesus is the power of God. Jesus is the image of God. Jesus is the Light. Jesus is Life. Jesus is the perfect expression of the Wisdom of God.
3) Jesus is the SUMMIT "of God's creative purpose"= this is in the Bible. "To unite all things in Christ."
...
4) Jesus is also the WORD OF GOD. This is different from the "firstborn" as the "blueprint" of all that is real and good in Creation, by the eternal reality of Incarnation, because as Word He is UNCREATED? And THIS ties into His being the Summit of the purpose of the Cosmos, in tandem WITH His Incarnation, because these two truths of the Son CANNOT BE SEPARATED.
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

From today's SPARK devotion =

"An encounter with Christ is always loving, but it may not always feel good. A true encounter challenges us because Jesus contradicts those things in our hearts that are not good. While Jesus is always for us (Romans 8:31), he opposes anything that might hurt us. When we encounter Jesus, he is an adversary against the sin in our hearts and the habits and vices that prevent us from being holy... "“Encounter” isn’t necessarily a feel-good experience. The word comes from two Latin roots—“in” and “contra”—which, taken together, signify the meeting of adversaries. To encounter Jesus is to face a confrontation of sorts. When we meet him, we are presented with a choice: let go of what holds us back from holiness and grasp the hand of the Savior, or remain in sin. Encounters with Jesus offer us the opportunity to become different people. One thing is for certain: when we encounter Jesus, we are changed forever. Even if we choose not to follow Jesus, [just] meeting Him is radically memorable."
THIS IS WHAT LAURIE IS SUPPOSED TO BE. THIS IS THE ASPECT OF GOD SHE IS MEANT TO REFLECT!!!
...

"Two people encountered Jesus in this way. The first was a woman who was gathering water at a well. Jesus called out her disordered attachment to affection and the ways she was looking for love but settling for counterfeits. The second was a rich man who had a disordered attachment to money that prevented him from [truly] loving others. The woman encountered Jesus and left changed, telling everyone about him. The man was disappointed and left sad. Both encounters were challenging, and both people left known and seen by Jesus... Many people experienced Jesus, and surely many encountered him that we do not hear about. But what about you? Have you had an encounter with Jesus that left you changed?"
1) Notice that BOTH challenges in Scripture were ABOUT LOVE.
2) AFFECTION VS LOVE, and the attachment to the former that prevented her from experiencing the latter!! Allegedly, she sought human companionship, maybe even romance, but she wasn't finding love, because she wasn't looking for God. She was idolizing her relationships. She was focused on the earthly, on the sensual & emotional; she sought her worth & purpose in the arms of men. Jesus knew this was hurting her soul. He knew she wanted love, real love, because He CREATED her FOR love... but only He could meet & fulfill that need as perfectly & completely as it was both meant & yearning to be filled. But love cannot be forced. So he had to bring her chains up before her eyes, and hand her the key to freedom, and leave the choice up to her.
3) The rich young man had effectively followed the Commandments "since his youth," and Jesus loved that in him-- BUT because of that very love, He pointed out the biggest obstacle to it. This young man "had many possessions." And THIS reflection alleges that BECAUSE of this wealth, EVEN THOUGH he was "following the Law" without apparent reproach, HE WASN'T ACTUALLY LOVING HIS NEIGHBOR???
4) Jesus knows and sees us IN these challenges. Those words do not refer to superficial, passing awareness or observation. They mean He KNOWS us. He SEES us, all of our time & space, right through to the soul.
5)


"The Sacrament of Reconciliation requires us to confront our sins and disordered attachments, but it is always an encounter with the mercy of Jesus."

Consider this. Really bring this fact with you to the confessional.
Yes, we MUST bring the worst parts of us right into that box, and lay them out in full view of God Himself (Who already knows all about them, by the way), but even in that deeply humiliating and even crushing action of contrite confession, we are not condemned. It's crazy, but it's true. In the very act of ashamedly admitting the sins we are struggling with, the "disordered attachments" and even addictions, we are looked upon with compassion and mercy and we are ALWAYS, ALWAYS FORGIVEN. Every single time we go into that box and sorrowfully pour our sick and broken heart out through that screen we rise from that kneeler ABSOLVED.
But we MUST be sorry. We MUST be contrite, wrecked with remorse even, truly hateful of what we have done that has hurt the very Heart of God. We must despise the sin so much we would be more willing to die than do it again. And God WILL heal us; God WILL give us grace TO fight that fight, even if we still stumble for a while in our human weakness. Grace is still given, like a sword we aren't sure how to use yet. But we have it now. And the more we go to confession, the better we get at wielding it, as it were-- the stronger our spirit and body both become, enlivened by grace and mercy, the heavy load lifted from our back more and more.
But that's all just consequence of the deepest point, the most important thing you must remember: no matter how blackened and corroded your heart may be when you enter that confessional, as long as you offer up every last filthy fragment of it to God in total penitent sincerity, He will wash you completely clean with His mercy, and you will exit that tiny miracle room a new man, with a new heart. Every time.



nov 11

Nov. 11th, 2023 09:13 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

It's the last half hour of the day, our only free time, and i'm insane for not sitting down and actually resting but i need to type. i need to type. if i don't it will just perpetuate the problem.

We have turned prayer into an addiction.

I don't know how to type about this, coherently. in my head it works.
you know what, stop trying to be formal. stop trying to pander to an invisible audience. just list the problems.
- we spend 3+ hours a day in prayer and 3+ hours "faithpasting." it's utterly exhausting. yes we love God but this is draining all our reserves?? what are we doing wrong??
- we are so tired. all the time. mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, we're EXHAUSTED, often to the point of weeping. we don't get to rest. we get ONE HOUR at the end of the day, if we're lucky, to collapse on the couch and cry from the pain & fatigue and basically just crash into unconsciousness until we have to do it all over again tomorrow. no breaks. no brakes.
- we are running away from our identity. we are denying our own existence. our sense of self is totally shut down.
- we spend ALL our "silent time" in prayer and THAT IS A CRUTCH. it is NOT HEALTHY. the instant we have ANY "free time" we PANIC and start to pray again, and although it's mentally justified as "using our time prudently" really dude you are RUNNING FROM SELF-AWARENESS.
- we can't feel anything but bitter numb exhaustion weeping confusion anger, UNTIL HEADSPACE KICKS IN.
- this obsessive praying is specifically trying to erase headspace entirely
- we have stopped writing. we have stopped drawing, composing music, reading books, dreaming, imagining, et cetera, because it's "all garbage compared to Christ" but dude DO YOU EVEN KNOW HIM???
- we are literally burying our talents six feet deep and claiming it's "God's will," that "they were a trick designed to see if we were brave enough TO bury them" but honestly it's just an excuse. it's an excuse to not feel our conscience nagging us about abandoning everything but prayer
- whoever the heck is spending all day in "prayer" DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

that's our dilemma.

oh of course we love God. but there's this bizarre and deeply distressing disconnect still. the thriskefoni either are afraid of God or they view Jesus like a fangirl. there's no personal closeness because those foni REJECT INDIVIDUALITY. anything that might let us in is VIOLENTLY DISREGARDED.


and right now we're listening to "sandım ki" again and i want to sob because i love everyone in here so much,
can we reconcile that with our religion?
are we allowed to exist and love each other? or is that a sin?
if we're all going to be destroyed when the body dies anyway, if no one is going to survive, if nothing is going to survive-- no art, no music, no writing, no hopes, no dreams, no memories, nothing-- nothing is going to survive, there's only going to be God. everything except Him will be annihilated forever. that's how it works. we have to be stripped completely, emptied out, made hollow and naked and helpless, with absolutely nothing to comfort or console us. just God.
...and then what?
He's supposed to "fill us with Himself" but we... we keep forgetting that God is Love and therefore that is a good thing, whatever He gives us in recompense will be infinitely better than whatever was destroyed because God is Love, He can only give Love,

i don't know what to do, what to think,
are we really all doomed to die?

i feel so guilty and filthy and dirty and wrong even thinking about love now
isn't that ironic.
when you "love God" all other love seems disgusting
that can't be right.
but the shame is unbearable


Not much happened today.
Last night nearly killed us from exhaustion. We couldn't get any extra sleep, we barely got seven hours. Our morning was busier than usual. Everything blurs together. Our mind just feels numb and rushed and constantly in a panic, "never praying enough," "never good enough," et cetera.
But. for some reason we ended up listening to Karen Clark Sheard on the drive to Mass and Knife loves that kind of music, it's adorable,
but the point is we could feel headspace and EVERY time we do our heart wakes up
and then the thriskefoni completely & angrily stomp it out

while we were saying the wall prayers tonight, we absentmindedly moved to rub some of the bloody-rough skin on our winter hands,
and, the action itself and the hands, the different harsh skin, the gentle gesture directly tied to it,
for a split second our tired brain literally thought it was laurie consoling us,
and we felt our heart just break and we nearly cried,
and then the thriskefoni shut it down
as usual

i'm so tired of not having any relationships anymore
i'm so tired of not being able to talk or think or feel or laugh or love anymore
everything is just prayer prayer prayer prayer hurry up pray more the world's gonna end if you don't pray you will die etc.

our OCD is really bad lately too. it's driving laurie up the wall.
we've noticed it's focusing on the body, on "cleanliness," just like fulton sheen said, it's the compulsive washing and scrubbing that can never get the "stain" out, as it were. it's all a physical rerouting of guilt. we did this as a child, too. we'll literally walk out of the bathroom then immediately turn around, go back in and repeat the loop helplessly, wanting to cry from feeling so trapped and powerless and terrified, the body feels so filthy and wrong, something is very wrong, YOU are wrong, it's your sin, your evil, your GUILT, if you sit down and feel dirty well then you're going to hell. it's a nightmare. we can't shut it off.
and of course the whole time we're repeating ritualized prayers with the same driving mindset
"if you say one word wrong, if you are distracted for even a second, you have to say the whole thing over," "you have to kiss the pictures on the wall a specific number of times in the way they tell you to or else you don't really love them," "you have to say these exact prayers in this exact order or else the whole thing is meaningless because you're shirking orders and insisting on your own way," etc.


i keep feeling infinitii around the edges. that's not hir name anymore, i know. but they're still just barely perceptible
the thriskefoni are terrified of hir. they hate hir but won't show it. but i can feel it, roiling beneath their emotionless facade like poison lava
i want hir back. i really do. ze is necessary for the health and proper function of my soul, and for healing trauma, and for feeling emotion at all. i know this.
i'm being mocked and jeered at for talking about hir, virtually spit at in hate
but i cannot be ashamed. i can't. i know ze loves God more than those pharisaical foni ever have or will or even can.
at least i hope so
am i being blasphemous
i'm sorry
no stop listen. you aren't lying. you aren't trying to be pretentious. you have seen infi in a church. you know how ze adores the Eucharist, how ze is able to forgive with a depth of sincerity you cannot fathom without hir. you know how ze loves, and how that love was taken advantage of by those who didn't know that love is God.
ze wants to heal, too. infi wants a new name and a new role and maybe even a new face as much as God allows and decrees, whatever happens, infi wants to be free of that evil history, free of the corruption, free of the sins and shadows, so ze can help you do the same. you are both supposed to draw closer to God together. that's the whole point, that's her real reason for existing, you know that too,

ten minutes. i need to get to bed.

here's our problem:
our prayer life is not genuine right now. not as long as it is tangled up in the OCD. and especially not as long as it is also being used specifically to run away from everything else in life.
to claim "religion is all that matters" to the point of refusing to be a person is not going to help you "have a relationship with God" and honestly, that is the BIG THING MISSING in this whole obsessive prayer ritual thing. we're just repeating words. we're not talking TO God. we're not even letting ourself have time alone to LISTEN because "God forbid," ironically, "that we have free time that isn't full of prayer!!" DEFINE PRAYER, PLEASE, because all the panicked recitation YOU'RE doing hardly counts at this point.

i'm sorry. i'm just so upset, so pained, so brokenhearted,
i want us to be A SYSTEM again, and STILL BE RELIGIOUS,
God knows we WERE, i know we were in the past, even if we did get lost and struggle many times, we still loved God and never stopped trying to draw closer to Him.
now what? now this stagnancy masquerading as piety?
if we've made any progress it's not through your obsessive faithpasting, it's through our RESPONSE TO IT,
and now they won't even let us do that,
i'm sorry. i don't want to condemn anyone. i don't want to give up this faith practice, this reading and learning, but, i think we're taking it to unhealthy extremes, it's not about faith anymore it's about that bloody OCD, it's about "i must learn everything," it's becoming an intellectual power grab, we're not internalizing anything, it's just mad hyperpasting like we used to do on Tumblr, we don't remember a bloody thing, we'd be so much better off just typing about God at this point.
"no," they spit, "that doesn't count because it's YOU talking. your opinions don't matter. self-opinion is of the devil. the only thing that can be trusted is church authority, which is NOT YOU."
we never claimed to be authority. we just... want to respond and not just read.
is that really a sin? i'm genuinely scared now

i want to cry and throw up and sleep forever
i'm already shaking again
the moral terror is unbearable. it never stops.


is it a sin to want to spend time with the system?
are we a sin by being a system? is that word evil?
are we evil because we're multiple
are we a sin because we are many people of one soul
it's only supposed to be one?? that one girl, but she's mean, why does she get to stay and nobody else?

are emotions a sin?
is it a sin to want to feel something? to want to cry, and laugh, and wonder, and ache, and love?
is that a sin to want to feel alive and moved and inspired and real?
holiness is detached, holiness is cold like a diamond, no it's not, jesus wasn't cold,
but he never laughed, they say. he never smiled. he cried and was angry. but no "warmth" ironically
something is wrong, our perspective has to be skewed, that can't be right,
God is Love but everyone always taught us that Love showed itself as dispassion, which is even more ironic
but it's so hard to even question
emotions are "sensory" things and therefore sinful, right? they are "of the body"
dude that's gnostic junk don't even go there

listen. we're not in the right mind to type any more about this right now we're too melancholic and distressed
besides it's 10pm buddy we have to get some sleep or else
sundays are burnout days and tomorrow is going to be even busier than usual so go catch some z's

one last thing

i wanted to type about this several days ago and made a note to but never did.
this is the big thing that our moral panic is hinging on, when you get down to it:
we only learned love and virtue through the system and the league.
it sounds blasphemous. it's awful. but it's true.
we learned compassion, and mercy, and hope, and joy, and forgiveness, and love, through the system and the league and GOD PUT IT THERE because our religious upbringing had stripped God of those virtues for the sake of discipline i guess.
but even now, even now, when we read about all the "positive qualities" of God and we have no idea how to understand it,
at least, the thriskefoni don't, go figure,
we can only grasp what God is like by remembering the innerworld.
i'm serious. i want to sob. i'm not lying. we miss it so much.
the other day i couldn't understand God's mercy, i couldn't understand how He could be kind even when i treat Him like garbage,
and i suddenly thought,
well, look at how Laurie loves you,
even after she's seen the absolute worst of you,
she literally carries your wounds up and down her arms,
remember how she sobbed when you died,
that's how God loves you.

and
that just turned the entire world upside down

but it's the truth
it's the absolute truth and i don't know how to deal with it
look at how chaos 0 loves you,
look at how HE looks at you every single night,
look at how he refuses to abandon you even after you've stupidly kicked him out, several times,
look at the past 20 years for heaven's literal sakes
you think God loves you any less than that??
and remember infi,
seriously that's WHY you want her back so badly

think of everyone. everyone.
julie, lynne, leon, scalpel, knife, razor, sugar spice, wreckage, algorith, mulberry, jeremiah, audrey, siobhan, shirley, sirius, penny, mimic, genesis, phlegmoni, xenophon,
everyone who is still missing and blurry and hidden and lost,
all the children, all the protectors & retributors, everyone,
and think of the league!
think of the friendships there, too, think of the love,
there's so much love that it sets my heart on fire,
in the spectrum and the spheres alike

could our life be a prayer too?

god please help us.
we need to sleep it's too late we need to get to bed

but please
keep us close to you
and to each other
please.

if it's possible at all
please let us love each other
and in doing so
let us love you.







110923

Nov. 9th, 2023 09:41 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Car morning so we HAD to get groceries because the freezer was actually 2 days short of being EMPTY.

Lateran Basilica feast day! Fr Jackson homily HIT = external beauty of churches means NOTHING without His Presence in the Tabernacle! Closing words applied this gravity to US!!!
We are "not just another building"; as long as we have Christ within us, we are HOLY-- we are "SET APART"

Combating unbelieving & blasphemous intrusive thoughts, accusing God of evil behavior, with the staggeringly worldchanging consideration: "imagine God acting like Laurie."
COMPLETELY REWIRED MY BRAIN AND HEART, SERIOUSLY
But really dude, if SHE can love me THAT MUCH, then why the heck wouldn't God?
Really dude WRITE A WHOLE ENTRY ABOUT THIS

Genesis keeping me car/shop company UNTIL social mode kicked in hard, and we "blackout depersonalized" to where Laurie had to be shouting directions at us in order to do even basic functions

I didn't addict-buy the lentils so Spice kissed me
Laurie asked if she should make a similar bet, but I said no not now I'm already having trouble thinking straight

Jade car shift, with them informing us of recent events
...In light of last night's discussion with Fr. Petro, it was pitiable? I was so sadly aware of how distorted & lost their thoughts were.
...

"Hunger irritability" really tough to manage, with the accompanying inability to focus or form a coherent thought

We made the stupid mistake of trying to sharpen our brand-new ceramic knife-- and now it cuts just as well as a spoon, haha. Ah well. We chucked it in the bin and we'll have to get a new one on Sunday, since the original red-colored knives we bought evidently don't sharpen because of the color, and the bottom line is that right now everything is mangling the eggs.

Schedule overwhelm and disturbance both pushed us to do 30m of BIKING PRAYERS before we ate, despite the fasting symptoms. We were praying for survival haha. But it actually WORKED OUT PERFECTLY, thank You God!!!

20 HOUR FAST man we have SUCH A HEADACHE
Update: it is PHENOMENAL how much difference just a cup of carrots makes, haha. Its like our brain got new batteries


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = Hebrews 4:16.
Jesus, as a high priest, is our INTERCESSOR! "He bridges the gap between us and God" FOREVER.
First: that term, in and of itself, is indeed exactly what Intercessor-class Nousfoni do in the System-- they "bridge the gap" between Upstairs and Downstairs, effectively.
Second: Jesus bridges the gap between Heaven and Earth in the same way-- He communicates God's Truth and Character to us below, and brings our prayers & offerings to God above-- BUT He doesn't just "do this intercession," He IS THE INTERCESSION!!
BOTH the Cross AND The Incarnation, united themselves, prove this Priestly Purpose, one NATIVE to Him AS united with the anointing Spirit in His very Being.
...

"God is not waiting to zap us, or point a judgmental finger at us. He is actually wanting us to approach His Throne of Grace with confidence, to receive the mercy He has waiting for us."
This is still so shocking to me. It's the exact opposite of what I was raised to believe about God. I don't think I actually had ANY true conception of this Truth until the past year or two. I just could not fathom God being this... this merciful, ironically. I had been taught that such gentleness, such willingness to forgive, was weakness and utterly unworthy OF God. Again, how ironic, seeing as how "weakness" is God's favorite canvas, even in us.
...


"It is essential to think about what Scripture is doing in our own heart, but it just as vital to contemplate how that effect should affect the way we treat others. Of course we want to receive God's forgiveness, but therefore we must also want to model that same type of forgiveness for others."
THIS is holy humility. Even our spiritual gifts & graces are given to us in order to serve & benefit others. We are members of Christ's Body; our faith CANNOT be solitary.
Also key is that word "WANT." It's not enough to "know we should" forgive. We must WANT to forgive, as ardently as we want to BE forgiven!
When grace is poured into our heart, it doesn't change us by "making us feel good," or "giving us consolation." That's not a change, that's an experience. We MUST be changed into CHANNELS of that grace we've been given, because it FLOWS, and if we just want to "take our share" and go our merry way, then God will justly "divert His spring" and we will be stuck with only our own stagnant pools. He WANTS us to share. It's not "our fountain"! It is HIS, and it is given for ALL PEOPLES. The minute we start feeling like we have a monopoly, we will lose what little we do have.
...

"This verse reveals a clear connection between rest and mercy and grace. We have to refuse worry and fear, and instead we have to come boldly to our High Priest, to our Intercessor, Who offers forgiveness, salvation, peace, and rest."
...Oh man this reminds me of that story I read many years ago and never forgot the heart of: it was about a man doing backbreaking labor for the sake of the Church and the Gospel, and often getting no physical rest. Someone asked him, how do you do it, with no opportunity to rest? And he replied, in essence, "I carry my rest with me always. My rest is a Person, and His Name is Jesus."
I never forgot it, because I never understood it, but wanted to. And now I can say that I do understand, at last.
Physical rest is important, and our body does need it, but it means nothing without the real essential-- spiritual rest. I can attest to this. You can sleep for days, you can lounge in the most comfortable chair for hours, you can take a month-long vacation just to "do nothing"-- but if your soul is not at rest, your body will NEVER be able to relax.
We need peace & quiet to properly rest, and sin utterly disrupts that on a soul level.
...

The prayer=
"God, please show me how to approach You with confidence. I know that You care for me. I know that You love me, but sometimes—I doubt my worthiness. Please replace my doubts with bold assurance that I belong to You, and You long to hear from me. Here I am—please help me."
The language here is tricky.
NO ONE is "worthy" to approach God, EVER, except Christ Jesus. We see this displayed to the extreme in Revelation.
But this inherent "unworthiness" we ALL have, simply because we are created and imperfect things, ALLOWS MERCY TO TRIUMPH.
Also, CHRIST IS OUR INTERCESSOR. Don't ever downplay the SHOCKING MAGNITUDE of that fact.
...
That last line is so powerful.
...

"What do you need to ask God to help you with today?
Boldness to share my testimony.
Wisdom to make a difficult decision.
Strength to stand against temptation."

You realize God WANTS us to ask for these things? And He WON'T glare at you for asking, or punish you for "needing TO ask"? He's not an exasperated human parent pushing self-reliance "so you get off His back."
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saint Clare homily pushed at me again.
Focus was on the UNITY of the Church-- unity between literally churches, between human members, between the Pope and all clergy, between the global Church and Christ its Head, between family members in the "mini churches" of our homes... et cetera. We all worship the same Lord, we all obey the same Commandments, we all follow the same doctrines. HOWEVER this means that when there ARE small differences in the universal Church body, like between cultures & local customs in parishes, we DON'T CLAIM OUR OWN AS "DEFAULT"? We humbly choose to PRESERVE UNITY, although always in MORAL RIGHTEOUSNESS-- if there is no sin or scandal at risk, then we should set aside our own private preferences and opinions for the sake of being in common unity with our fellow Christian, for the sake of God Our Father.
...This all made me feel VERY STRONGLY about our SYSTEM.
We have, jarringly, been lacking complete unity. There are too many isolated Foni, the Subsystems don't communicate, there are a disturbing amount of conflicting wants & interests & goals & beliefs. Why are we still so shattered?
It's because we spent FIVE YEARS in posttraumatic shutdown, you realize, and we NEVER HEALED THE PROBLEMS WE HAD even BEFORE that happened.
We just... woke up for good in the hospital and forgot everything prior and we've been barely existing "as if everything is healed and normal," when all we did was bury the past alive. Of course we're shattered; that's the whole point of dissociative disorder!! If we won't FACE the truth TOGETHER, then we'll inevitably suppress it by breaking into blinded pieces and hiding those pieces from each other.
...You do realize we're still not actually awake. We're still too lost in amnesia & denial.
...


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The VOTD prayer was unexpectedly relevant to ARE too =
"God, following Jesus can be tough sometimes-- I don't always know what to do or what to say. But You didn't leave me to live for You on my own-- You sent help! Holy Spirit, please fill me with Your power and boldness today."
Being a Christian is this strange yet lovely paradox, this delicate dance of simultaneous helplessness & empowerment. I DON'T have any clue what to do or say to please God-- the only way I LEARN is BY SCRIPTURE, the knowledge of which enables me to to both hear & recognize the Holy Spirit AS the Holy Spirit, APPLYING those Words to my everyday life.
I never knew I had this Help when I was younger, not even when I was Confirmed. I was convinced, wrongly but sincerely, that because of my unworthiness and sin, the Holy Spirit had rejected me. I didn't have any Protestant "born again" sensation at my Confirmation and so I concluded that I "must not be a real Christian after all." I figured everyone else could ask for His help except me-- I wasn't part of the club; I was just an imposter, a wannabe, an outcast. And then meeting the Mormons in 2009 made it SO MUCH WORSE, culminating in the devastating claim that I had NEVER received the Holy Spirit to begin with, not even in Baptism!! And I BELIEVED IT. I absolutely believed it, with both gutwrenching terror and sick "relief" that I finally "had an explanation" as to "why I was so evil despite allegedly being a Christian." It felt like I had been suffering inexplicably for years and had just now received a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. "Ah, that explains it. Finally I know why." But it was fatal.
It was also FALSE.
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

More Mallett. Focusing on him for now with both current events & schedule constraints.

"Perhaps you’ve noticed how similar New Age language is to that of Christian prophecy and mysticism in reference to coming times... We aim for a purified conscience; they aim for a “higher or altered state of consciousness.” Christians are called to be “born again” while new agers aim at being “rebirthed”. We speak about an era of unity in Christ, while they speak of an era of universal “oneness.”  In fact, the prayer of Jesus was that, through unity, we would come to a state of perfection as a witness to the world (John 17:21-23). Satan has promised a false “perfection” as well, primarily to those attempting to bring about this “new age” through the “hidden knowledge” of secret societies: Among the ancient Greeks, ‘the mysteries’ were religious rites and ceremonies practiced by secret societies into which any one who so desired might be received. Those who were initiated into these mysteries became possessors of certain knowledge, which was not imparted to the uninitiated, and were called ‘the perfected.’"
I'm pasting all that because it's EXACTLY WHAT "JADE" HAS BEEN SUBSCRIBING TO SINCE THEY STARTED THEIR DRUG TRIP.
1) The "altered consciousness" ALWAYS claiming that "there is no such thing as sin! Morality is relative!" and therefore that the "conscience" is "already pure," or even inherently so! This blindness to all POSSIBILITY of fault, this denial of sin as a reality whatsoever, shuts down the real conscience by passively dooming it to unrepentance.
2) I'm unfamiliar with "rebirthed" but I HAVE heard "REMADE" far too often, and that's worse.
3) Oneness vs unity
4) True & false perfection
...


"The economic, social, and political order as we know it is going to collapse. In its place will rise a “new order” founded on this “new spirituality” (which is actually rooted in those ancient “mysteries”— errant philosophies and paganism)... this “global government’ will respond not only to people’s cry for order among the chaos, but also to their spiritual cry. [But] this insidious spirituality... will lead not to freedom, but slavery— bondage to Antichrist and the dragon himself; [because] the ultimate goal of the dragon, and his puppet the Antichrist, is to lead mankind to worshiping him (Rev 13:4, 8 ): [just so, the] New Age shares with a number of internationally influential groups, the goal of superseding or transcending particular religions in order to create space for a universal religion which "could unite humanity". Closely related to this is a very concerted effort on the part of many institutions to invent a Global Ethic. This “Global Ethic” will attempt to blend cultural, political, and economical realities into one framework with a “universal religion” as its foundation. The heart of this spirituality is the “supreme Self”—me, myself, and I. As such, there really is no unity in mutual love but a False Unity based upon a false trinity: "Tolerant, Humane, and Equal." We are all gods trying to reach a “universal consciousness”: a harmony with one another, Mother Earth, and the “vibrations” or “energy” of the cosmos. We will reach this transcendent reality through a “paradigm shift” and “altered state of consciousness.” Since there is no personal God, there is no Judge, and therefore, no sin... It is clear, then, that Christianity and her indissoluble moral codes stand as a formidable obstacle to this counter spirituality."
...this is so explicitly obvious it's unreal. My head is spinning.
MY ENTIRE FAMILY BELIEVES AND WANTS THIS LIE.
It even has WORD FOR WORD hat ugly and demonic phrase my brother parrots constantly= "we are all gods," etc.!!
But THE IMPLICATIONS!!!!! Oh man I could never quite put into words WHY that self-deifying mindset disturbed me so much. IT'S BECAUSE IF "WE'RE ALL GODS," THEN THERE IS NO GREATER GOOD, and if we're not held to any standard or Law higher than our selves-- if we define our OWN personal Truth-- then due to this amoral atmosphere, THERE'S "NO SIN." But then there's also NO SANCTITY, and therefore NO REAL HEAVEN, so what the heck is your "transcendent reality" even about???
You claim that the "only thing EVERYONE can worship is the SELF," making humanity into "little gods" whose ultimate common transcendent goal is "self-improvement" and maintaining "high vibrations" and such things, therefore focusing ALL effort and achievement ON SELF... but then if everyone is a "deity" worshipping in its own temple, then how is there unity?? How is there community?? How is there love??

Oh boy I can't be commenting on this, I'll get even more confused. I just need to READ and PAY ATTENTION.

...We're very convicted, though, and just as deeply grateful for the humiliation. We have been VERY GUILTY of falling for these luciferean tricks. Yet, God never let go of our heart, which is a miracle. He never stopped leading us back to the Truth, irresistibly so, even if we couldn't see Him working whatsoever. His Love was like gravity itself. It still is.

The "gender issues," the seeking of "altered states," the hyperfocus on our own egodrama... we're all so guilty. Thank God we see our errors now, by the grace of God. Just, please, Lord God Almighty, don't EVER let us be tricked again.

One last thing I legitimately HATE about the "newage" movement, ESPECIALLY since it FOOLED ME back around 2011--

"When it is consciously received by men and women, “divine energy” is often described as “Christic energy”. There is also talk of Christ, but this does not mean Jesus of Nazareth. “Christ” is a title applied to someone who has arrived at a state of consciousness where he or she perceives him- or herself to be divine and can thus claim to be a “universal Master”. Jesus of Nazareth was not the Christ, but simply one among many historical figures in whom this “Christic” nature is revealed, as is the case with Buddha and others. Every historical realisation of the Christ shows clearly that all human beings are heavenly and divine, and leads them towards this realisation. The innermost and most personal (“psychic”) level on which this “divine cosmic energy” is “heard” by human beings is also called “Holy Spirit”."
DO YOU SEE HOW SERPENTINE THIS HIDDEN HERESY IS???
...

"this New Age counterfeit is not true repentance, but a false worship... [The Illumination] will be explained away in the most deceptive terms as a universal awakening of the “Christ within”... a “universal consciousness” being awakened, a global paradigm shift creating an opportunity for all humanity to achieve their potential of being a god."


On THAT NOTE--

"Our understanding of anger is generally flawed. We tend to think of it as an eruption of temper or rage, tending to emotional or physical violence. And even when we see it in its justified forms it makes us somewhat fearful. Nevertheless, we do admit that there is room for just anger: when we see an injustice committed, we too become angry. Why then do we permit ourselves to feel justly angry, and yet do not permit this of God in whose image we are created? ...God is slow to anger and rich in mercy. But that’s exactly the point. He is slow to anger, but eventually, He can and does become angry. The reason is that Justice demands it... God’s response is one of patience, one of mercy, one that willingly overlooks the sin so as to embrace and heal the sinner. If he does not repent, does not accept this gift, then the Father must discipline this child. This too is an act of love. What good surgeon allows the cancer to grow so as to spare the patient the knife?"
GOD'S ANGER IS JUST AND IT IS DIRECTLY TIED TO MERCY.
...


"Jesus has freely taken the punishment for sin that is due us. Our free response is to accept this gift BY confessing our sin, repenting of it, and obeying His commandments. That is, one cannot say He believes in Jesus if His life is lived in opposition to Him. To reject this gift is to remain under the judgment pronounced in Eden: separation from Paradise. This is the wrath of God."
I just realized-- in order for Jesus’s "taking OUR punishment" TO apply to us, we need to LEGALLY ADMIT OUR GUILT. If we deny that we are under the Law, if we deny that we have any debt, if we deny that we have been sentenced to death-- if we refuse to "own" our sins AND their due wages-- death-- Jesus cannot "legally" pay them off. To give a poor analogy-- It's like if your car was totaled and Jesus offered to pay off the insurance, clear your record, and give you a new car, for free-- all of which He VISIBLY offered proof of having already prepared for you, showing it was as good as done except for your signature, as it were-- but despite His proofs, your injuries and insurance papers you kept insisting, "that's not my car! I've never been in an accident, you insult my driving skill," etc. It's insanity. But we foolish sinners do that with the Cross.
...

110423

Nov. 4th, 2023 11:31 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Anxiety hell morning.
No idea which of FOUR OPTIONS was "morally right" and "prudent" for going to Mass. POSSIBLE MORTAL SIN EVERYWHERE.

So anxious we were paralyzed and shaking. Unable to think, pray, eat or drink.

Fulton Sheen
Mom call
Knock Mass
...

Walked to SJE
LEAF HOMILY!!! third time, haha. we don't mind it hit THAT HARD
"When autumn comes, every year, I wish it could last forever, but that isn't possible. Within a week, the leaves will already start to fall... When we see the maple trees exploding in red, we say, "how beautiful!" But then we realize what is happening. The tree is dying. Something is dying, and it is beautiful."

Some archiving!
TOUCHPAD FAIL
seriously dude i have no idea what the heck we were thinking but we were trying to fix our touchpad's jumpy sensitivity and we clicked the "off" button. 
Cue two solid minutes of panic so intense it turned to numb dread, until we realized we could use the tab key and spacebar to fix it. Oh man it felt like the world was ending, haha. Looking back it's hilarious, but in the moment, it was literally a possibility that we had been locked permanently out of our only means of archiving and typing. We would have lost our ONLY coping mechanism. So yeah, we freaked out, in that respect.
STILL BUDDY WHY DID YOU CLICK THE BIG RED BUTTON, i'm telling you man this is what sleep deprivation will do to you

Jade pickup
telling them about the touchpad stupidity and laughing so hard at ourself. i cannot remember the last time we laughed at ALL.
Sandım ki drive home

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

MDE = two very striking ideas.
First, THE COMMUNION OF SAINTS, and visionaries who can see them calling them "their friends," praying to them that familiarly and living in "close proximity" with them. And THAT HAS TERRIFIED US SINCE CHILDHOOD. It still does, tragically. We know we need to get over this, but we're genuinely so scared of being "haunted and watched" by literally thousands of invisible souls, as we struggle in our panicked mess of a life, and we're OBLIGATED TO TALK TO THEM. It's like unending social mode and the very thought of it drives us close to despair. That CAN'T be what the reality is.
We're so ashamed of our mental problems. We have so many intrusive thoughts and automatic words, we suffer from constant OCD compulsions, our body is a humiliating filthy wreck, our brain keeps looping sounds and flashing images to distressing extents, et cetera. The thought of ALL THESE HOLY PEOPLE WATCHING US AND EXPECTING US TO TALK TO THEM THE ENTIRE TIME is torturous.
We refuse to call any Saint our "friend" because 1. We don't have that right, and to claim it would be unspeakably proud and rude, 2. We don't know how to have friends or be a friend, 3. To make such a claim of holy association and then to keep struggling as a wicked sinner would be a grave sin, 4. Our intrusive thoughts LATCH ON to the "friend" concept and immediately start spitting blasphemies about them. 
Also, don't forget we're technically an ex-pagan. We have DEALT WITH THIS BEFORE, with plethoras of "guiding spirits" and pantheons of "lesser gods" ALL haunting us CONSTANTLY, all giving instructions and advice and teaching and warning, causing nonstop noise and moral panic. And the INSTANT you "give one your attention", the SECOND you think of a name, the VERY MOMENT you even consider their existence, THERE THEY ARE, TALKING AND WATCHING YOU, and you CANNOT REVOKE THE "INTENTION". Now that you "called them to you," they will NEVER LEAVE. At least, that's the fear. As it turns out, ALL OF THEM would turn tail and FLEE the premises IMMEDIATELY, WHENEVER LAURIE WALKED IN. And people wonder why my biggest fear is "having to sacrifice headspace to be a good Christian!" I CAN ONLY BE A "GOOD CHRISTIAN" WITH HEADSPACE!!! Who prays when "I" refuse? THEY DO. Who keeps "me" from giving in to sin? THEY DO. Don't you DARE tell me that they aren't from God-- I cannot even count the days where HEADSPACE HAS BEEN MY ONLY CONNECTION TO GOD.
This bland and empty Tilly-brand Good Christian Girl™ pseudohell we've been living in since 2018 is so far away from God it's horrific. The scope and magnitude of the SINS we committed DURING that fake-pious lifestyle are demonic proof of this.
...I'm afraid that if I spend my whole day and all my mental power "talking to Saints," it will cut me out of headspace-- out of my own heart-- to a fatal extent. I will "have to trade." But... is that inevitable? When-- if-- I get to heaven, I'll have to talk to all these people anyway, FOREVER. And I won't be able to "be" a System, right?
Now THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR. Who am I without them? I'll tell you, because I know, it doesn't vary-- without headspace, without the Spectrum, I AM A FAITHLESS, LOVELESS, PROUD AND GLUTTONOUS WHORE.
I can't continue this topic right now. It's getting too deep and we are on a very tight schedule. But DO NOT ABANDON THIS TOPIC.
...
When I mentally ask a Saint to "pray for me," I don't want to get a reply back. I don't want to start a conversation or open up any mental connection. I am filing my sincere request, to be duly forwarded, and that's it. Meeting them in Heaven is a whole different thing; I can look forward to that IF I DON'T "RUIN IT NOW." I do not trust my mental state or discernment, for one, but even more essentially the two should not overlap. As long as I'm still battling demons I should not be trying to chat with saints. I ABSOLUTELY need their help, especially since I'm at war, but being "friends" as anything more than beloved "pen pals" is not possible for me right now, either spiritually or mentally.
...Still, in this different typing state of mind, as someone who never had earthly friends & misses having a family, part of me does "want to be friends" with some saints. I'm afraid of a few of them, for trauma reasons mostly, but it's not their fault. Logically I know they're good and won't hurt me, but my instincts won't dare expose our psyche to such triggers as we are now.
Still, she has a point, but as a social, it's tricky. The idea of being friends with holy people is appealing to socials for two reasons: first, it implies that they themselves have somehow become worthy OF such social connections, and able TO sustain them; and two, it gives them a "group identity" in which they can "lose themselves" and so live entirely for others instead of self. This is problematic because it erases the core concept of individuality within a whole that our current understanding of Heaven seems to emphasize? The Social "groupself" ideal works on paper, as long as you're just a servant or mirror. But it prevents intimate relationship BY DESIGN. As long as you never have to be "you," never have to exist as an "other" who MUST therefore self-disclose and self-identify, then you cannot "BE loved" because you're NOT A "PERSON". Social service is "loving" only in the incomplete sense of obedient servitude. But it cannot offer. It cannot comfort or console or encourage.
So how DO you Socials define "friendship?" How would you actually describe the dynamic between you and the Saints, if we got to heaven and you were the winning face? What would your reaction be? Would you even love GOD enough TO be a friend to His Children in truth?
Okay we are MADLY SWITCHING at this point so we MUST stop for now.

Back to the MDE=
The second devotional was about Saint Bernadette, being unaware even of her capacity for piety during her life? She "couldn't meditate" on mysteries and didn't have lofty exultations of faith, nothing intellectual or inspired, so to speak... all she did was simply pray, especially the rosary, and attend Mass. But her faith was so true and powerful IN ITS UTTER SIMPLICITY that it profoundly sanctified everything she did?
Quote the verse about "she was too humble to even consider" her holiness??
ALSO comment about Eucharistic fasting, made us panic. Are we being too vainly scrupulous in that reaction? Has God MADE us "incapable of great fasts" ON PURPOSE to keep us from getting proud, or feeding more anorexic tendencies?
...


ttywpf = Another massive gutpunch, following directly on yesterday's:
"Jesus has the power, through the power of His Spirit, to renew hearts. We need to be confident of this. If we do not trust in Jesus’s power as the only means of salvation, if we do not trust that He is the only One who can make something new, we are false Christians; [without this trust,] we are not truly Christian.
Do you trust in Jesus’ power? Do you think He can renew your heart? Do you believe He is the only means of salvation? Ask Jesus to give you faith."

...No wonder we struggle still.
WHY is it SO BLOODY HARD to trust that Jesus CAN and WANTS TO and WILL renew our tumor of a heart? Is it because we wouldn't know HOW to see OURSELVES as a "renewed person"??? We won't let go of our self-hating horror long enough TO be made new, because deep down we want out ENTIRE PHYSICAL HISTORY AND BODILY SELFHOOD TO BE COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED. We're just that evil.
WHY ARE YOU USING "WE" IN REFERENCE TO THAT???
Because "I" denies the multiplicity that was inherent in the worst evils, even if that same multiplicity was equally inherent in our greatest good and loving acts, albeit via different "selves".
Well, if you're gonna use "we" for your despondency argument, at least give Julie some credit for heavens sakes.
...once again, the System brings us right back to God.
Our existence, all of us together, has PROVED God to us, and with our multiplicity as a foothold then yes, we CAN AND DO BELIEVE AND TRUST IN GOD'S POWER TO RENEW ANY HEART, EVEN OURS.
...but that hope and trust can only exist in a System consciousness. All somafoni-- INCLUDING the thriskefoni, in frightening irony-- are incapable of that hope. They see only doom and despair, and their only hope is for the hard drive reset of death. WHY IS THIS.
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = Job 19.

Some very striking thoughts on Job from the reflection, taken bit by bit=
"Job’s hope throughout his trial is rooted in God's character and promises. Even through his discouragement, He consistently reminds himself of God's justice and love... God is Job’s ultimate redeemer. Regardless of how circumstances change in his life, God is the One Who ultimately rescues him in the end. After the suffering and grief passes, God will still remain. This is the hope that Job holds on to, and so must we, in our own sufferings and grief-- for Job's God is our God, the Unchanging One who will ultimately redeem us, too, in the end."
There's been a ton of emphasis lately on God's unchanging Character, which is admittedly not something we ever properly understood before-- let alone hoped in. We never really knew WHAT God's Character was, not in truth... and we were scared TO hope that it wasn't only unchanging, but actually purely truly GOOD... and remained so towards US.
I also find it very notable that God's Character is frequently and directly linked TO HIS PROMISES. Again, this was a connection we never would have made on our own. First, yes, God DOES make promises, and second, He makes them ACCORDING TO HIS CHARACTER. That actually applies in two ways: BOTH the act of making, and the content of, His Promises are reflections of God's essential Character: "He is the kind of God TO make Promises, and THIS is the sort of Promise He makes."
That is what Job reminds himself of, consistently-- every single time despair threatens to bury him, Job clings to his sole lifeline, the one thread of hope that can never break-- God's Character. And what about it, specifically? God's justice and love.
...
The last bit is what spun me. First, Job is convinced that "God WILL rescue him." But on what grounds? His Character. That's ASTOUNDING.
Job recognized that, despite the depths of his earthly agony, it was all temporal. It wasn't forever, because God alone is eternal, and with God there is no suffering and death. In the end, at the very end of all things, His Redeemer LIVES.
...

A sudden thought from the lotophagoi =
We struggle to "trust in God's goodness" PROPERLY, because if we truly believe that He IS Good and Righteous and Merciful and Loving, BUT we ALSO believe that God KEEPS "PUSHING US AROUND," with our childish terror of spilling food and dropping things as "signs of angry punishment"... then we EQUATE THE TWO. Our brain then believes that IT IS GOOD FOR US TO BE HURT. Our brain believes that God WANTS us to be punished because THAT WOULD BE TRULY MERCIFUL. We start to believe that He WON'T protect us from attackers or robbers or rapists because THAT WOULD BE RIGHTEOUS AND KIND, somehow, as far as WE were considered. It's a devilish twisting of "God's unchanging Character" in a way that STILL EXCLUDES US FROM ANY TYPICALLY DEFINED COMFORT OR PEACE.
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trapp commentary begins today.
He's unfortunately very anti-Catholic so we must tread carefully; nevertheless, the man loves God so there is still wisdom in his words.


"[Magdalene] thinks nothing too good [to spend on] Christ, whom her soul loved. She will honour Him with the best of her substance; she knew there was nothing lost; but though it took from the heap, yet it increased the heap; as it is said of tithes and offerings in Malachi 3:10. This made David [insist] that he would not serve God of that which cost him nothing; and [therefore] he made such plentiful preparation for the temple-work. It is both love and good husbandry to make our service to God costly: His retributions are bountiful... Whatever the cost, it is a profit to make the cost in the name of piety."
This is perfectly timed, concerning our recent fears & struggles with "sacrificing everything for Christ." Apparently we're standing on the wrong foundation. Magdalene must be our example.
First, she didn't see it as a "sacrifice" in the butcherknife sense. She saw this outpouring as a gift, as a present to the One she loved. In that context, no expense was too great-- I can actually attest to this with our sibling's recent birthday, and even our time living with Oliver. Love naturally needs to give the best & most that it possibly can, and will not rest until it does; to do anything less would be unthinkable-- any counting of cost or cutting of corners would be a flagrant dishonour to both the beloved and to the name of love itself.
...
Second: you don't lose anything in the sacrifice. That has me stunned. It's a paradox for sure, but it's true. It's a law of God,
...
Third: our love to God MUST be costly, if only because His Love for us was the most costly thing He could've ever done.
...
Fourth: the only true profit is piety.
...

"I have a greater fear in praises, and a greater joy in curses and blasphemies."
I just realized WHY= because the sorts of souls that WOULD curse one for their religion are NOT SPEAKING OF GOD.
...
This is different from Christ's hard corrections, though, for they were not curses but warnings of curses that sin would bring about; Christ spoke so critically out of acute loving concern, as nothing softer would have pierced through their hardened hearts.
...


"When He called Lazarus, &c. = This notable miracle, the evangelist, as he had punctually described it, so he cannot help but again and again recite it. We too should set forth God’s noble acts, and not be sated. David never tires talking of what God had done for his soul. Those in heaven have no rest (and yet no unrest either) crying, "Holy, holy, holy," &c., Revelation 4:8."
This makes me feel a lot better about constantly repeating our own deliverance stories; we tend to fear that we just sound hypocritical or arrogant or dramatic, that people will think we're just making things up for attention, when honestly it's ALL TRUE and we cannot help but constantly regive our testimony to God's "noble acts" in OUR poor existence. How could we not? When you experience such miracles, you cannot rest from singing them out, whether in tears or laughter, in pain or joy, because God has touched your heart and marked it forever and of course that's going to set you to perpetual music. To stay silent would be to suffocate your very soul.
...



110223

Nov. 2nd, 2023 10:07 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JADE!!! 💚🖤💚🖤💚🖤💚🖤💚
We went ALL OUT for her as much as we possibly could.
We legit spent like... $170 on her, haha. GENEROSITY! God gave us enough to share, at exactly the right time, and we have enough for ourselves right now. Honestly if we DIDN'T go the extra mile, we would've regretted it forever. Last year, I thought BOTH OF US would be dead by this year. But we're not. We're alive and actually thriving. So WE'RE CELEBRATIN' SON!!!!

Quick notes =
THE SYNCHRONICITY ROSES
General needed food gifts, but went extra mile to get
Extra card, FINALLY wrote a personal message written in it
STEVIE WONDER!

LUNCH RUSH

Mass
Evening prayer
8pm dinner what the shark

The most important thing:
Listening to "Sandım ki"
and although it sounds so much like Infi it hurts,
I started getting absolute legit headspace events with LAURIE.

Fighting, as she does best. Felt SO REAL.
"You don't get this much blood without just as much pain, kid" comment. Floored me. Never considered that but it was suddenly so achingly obvious

Taking off bandages?? Going ENERGY like a Trigun plant??? Missing arm practically exploded into light wings, but "too frantic". She went violet light & DAENGELIC, Julie & Lynne distresses. I said something like "when the pain gets too intense the only way to bear it is to run it completely through you"?? BUT cried out "don't lose yourself in it"??
I manifested a small dagger of light and plunged it straight into my own chest?? And IMMEDIATELY Laurie-engel CAUGHT THE PAIN. Eyes changed instantly, turned to me, profoundly concerned. Single stabshape of pure red light on her own chest.
Never fails to send me reeling that she still takes on everything.

...

Kissing Mimic on the head while he was asleep. "I don't think he realizes just how vulnerable he looks like this"
Chaos 0 asking how in the world I didn't wake him up with that, I jokingly take out my Sandman umbrella and hit it for gold dust to fall out. CZ almost laughed out loud, "way to ruin the mood" tease
Still. It was a very significant moment, as I was able TO feel something so pure & sincere and EXPRESS IT.

Also dude you haven't mentioned anywhere yet how Mimic now holds your hand every time we say the Chrysostom prayer, to help ground me and focus him in too. But the means, man! It means a lot, pun intended, and I think he knows it.

...

Needless to say, with everything in headspace this evening I feel more REAL, more ALIVE, and more IN LOVE than I have in many months; almost a full year. I feel like I exist, almost.
I need to get back to laptop typing every night. God please, let our schedule accommodate that. Your Love shows itself so clearly through them, through us all together. Please don't strip me of that. I'm so tired of this hollow and cold and solitary heart. Please let us all BE together again, for Your sake, please.
I felt real love today. Please. Don't strip that from me anymore.
I know it's a poor and broken and rashly worded prayer. But it's honest, and it's a prayer. I offer it up to you. That’s all I can do at this hour, except say thank You, thank You so so much for that exact love, for all of them, for all of us. I love them so much it hurts like joy. I am so grateful I could cry. Thank You for still letting me have this in my heart, with them, with You in them I'm absolutely sure.
I'm exhausted. I love You too. If THIS is what God is then the thriskefoni have it ALL WRONG. and THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WORTH LIVING AND DYING FOR.
...funny how I'm learning that lesson from both Jesus and Laurie, at once. It only makes complete sense taken together. Remember that too. There's a bigger picture we're all a part of.


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VOTD = "The word cast in Hebrew means to throw, hurl, shed, or fling. To propel something as far as possible. To sling something out of your sight... God wants to carry your burdens, but you have to cast them off. So don’t just halfheartedly set down your burdens or passively give them to God... Cast them down at His Feet."
...
Also the WAY the lady talked about Jesus & the Holy Spirit was really striking to me. For the first time EVER I GOT the "evangelist enthusiasm." For a moment I UNDERSTOOD the "thank You Jesus!!" Gospel preacher attitude, SINCERELY.
Rewatch it and comment specifically.
...
We ACTUALLY did this today without being "asked" or reminded!! We KNEW it was gonna be a crazy day so we DIDN'T SKIP ADORATION and we went to Mass BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE. We prioritized God, and we CONSCIOUSLY "put the day in His Hands," recognizing and admitting to Him that we were powerless & blind to control our schedule or its outcomes, BUT God knew what we needed and when, so please guide us, amen. And we ACTUALLY LET GO & SURRENDERED TO WHATEVER WOULD HAPPEN. We even prayed "Thy will be done" the instant we felt anxieties coming on, and gave them over to Him.
And boy howdy let me tell you, AGAINST ALL ODDS, EVERYTHING HAS WORKED OUT PERFECTLY TODAY. And ALL the credit goes EXCLUSIVELY TO ALMIGHTY GOD.
...

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Universalis=

"The reading [from Isaiah 25] begins with the image of the messianic banquet, the banquet which the LORD is preparing for the end of time, an image which Jesus takes up in the gospel story of the wedding-feast. After the first lines the image changes to the removal of the mourning-veil and the destruction of death, every tear wiped away. In the earlier parts of the Bible the dead are thought to lead a wretched existence in Sheol, a life which is no life, a sort of half-existence without power or substance, when the dead cannot even praise God. Gradually Israel comes to realise that God’s love is so enveloping and so enduring that God cannot desert or abandon his faithful even in death. Even death cannot cut off the faithful from God. This is one of the crucial passages where the permanent, saving strength of God’s love is expressed. Speaking to the Sadducees (who did not believe in the resurrection) Jesus will say, ‘God is the God not of the dead but of the living’. Paul will say, ‘Neither death nor life can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.’"
OH DUDE I GET IT!!
...
Also, this reading is clearly referring to Jesus's Crucifixion, even if only in symbols, and even if not exclusively. The meaning is still immensely important.
The "mountain" has become Calvary, that dreadful hill suddenly exalted to incomparable heights of glory. The "banquet for all peoples" IS JESUS, Whose saving Death allows Him TO give His Body AS our Food IN THE EUCHARIST. The "mourning veil" and "shroud" of death over all peoples also make me think of the Shroud of Turin, and the Sudarium, which were literal representations of real death that were also entirely transmuted into PROOFS OF ETERNAL LIFE, BY His very Death on that mountain-- a Death that paradoxically destroyed death forever. And through that same fact, Jesus wipes away our tears by giving us unfailing hope. By His innocent Passion and Death, He removes the shame from all good souls who suffer like Him, changing the Cross itself into an instrument of glory and faith, even for us. Lastly, the Cross was the ultimate proof of Jesus's Divinity, by what He accomplished there, and how, and why. It is because of His Crucifixion and all it won for us that we CAN and DO recognize and exclaim, "SEE, THIS is our GOD; the Lord JESUS IS the One for Whom ALL the endless ages have hoped in for salvation-- and SEE, He HAS SAVED US!"


"Paul uses several different images to convey the unique work of Christ. Here he uses ‘reconciled’, ‘justified’, ‘saved’. Is there any difference between them? We have been reconciled and justified by Christ’s death, and we shall be saved by his life, presumably by his risen and glorious life after the Resurrection, which will lead us to share with him in glory; this is still in the future, the end product. But we have already been reconciled with God. The enmity which we, the human race, put between ourselves and God by our constant rebellion, has been dissolved by the overwhelming act of Jesus’ love for his Father. The love of Christ surpasses the disobedience and hostility of Adam-- the human race-- in which we all shared. Paul also says that we have been justified or made righteous by Christ’s death. Human righteousness, being right with God, is always dependent on God’s own righteousness. God’s righteousness is His fidelity to His promises to save. In fulfilling those promises God is being true to Himself and His Word, and so is righteous. We are brought under that same righteousness by the fulfilment of the promises in Christ. So we are already reconciled and justified, and will be saved by Christ’s life."
These are very important distinctions, even surprising, to effectively say here that Christ's Death is not what "saves us"-- His LIFE is! BUT that very life is a RESURRECTED Life, which is ONLY possible, and therefore ONLY efficacious for our salvation, BECAUSE OF HIS DEATH. And that same chain of events is how it will work in US, through Him?? Our "saved lives"-- saved from sin, death, and destruction-- are ONLY possible BY OUR DYING, both "internally" in mystical union with Christ, by "dying to self", and then "externally", in physical death... death is our door.
(STOP BABBLING AND REMEMBER SAINT AMBROSE!!!!)
...



"The ‘yoke’ is often a symbol of the Law of Moses, which could seem burdensome with its many commands, though it was also valued as God’s revelation of Himself to His Own people in love. Christ is not a tyrannical master, but is a sympathetic, gentle and humble leader Who shares His life with His followers. The ‘yoke’ or law of Christ, as we saw [in Romans 5], is the interior impulse of the Spirit. It cannot be burdensome, since it is a joy to carry, a way of living with Christ and by his Spirit. Even the joy of martyrs, subjected as they are to physical pains, is a constant feature of accounts of martyrdom."
1) The Law is God's revelation of Himself. That's astounding. Why are we Christians not taught it AS such??
2) The Law is a gift of Love inasmuch as it IS a gift of Self. It is only "burdensome" in the same way caring for an infant or upkeeping a marriage is.
3) A tyrant is defined as "an individual who arrogates to himself the royal authority absolutely, without having a right to it;" therefore "a sovereign or other ruler who uses power in ways that are unjustly cruel, harsh, or severe; arbitrary or oppressive; despotic;" even "a compulsory influence."
Christ is none of those things. He CANNOT be those things, ever. But let that really sink in.
First, He has full rights to His Power. This, however, is WHERE unbelievers like to point and shout "despotism!" But they only accuse because they are ignorant of His Character. He is indeed an "absolute ruler"-- He is in fact THE Master of ALL Creation, the Lord of the entire Cosmos-- but although He "governs according to his own will, under a recognized right," He is NOT "uncontrolled by constitutional restrictions," in the sense that He is completely obedient to His Father, and His Father IS THE LAW, and that Law is PURE AND HOLY LOVE. Furthermore, Christ is never unconcerned or untouched by "the wishes of his subjects." He is in fact SO concerned and touched that He BECAME "one of His subjects" in His Incarnation and shared HIS Life with US.
...
4) The true definition of the famous "easy yoke"-- joy born of love.
...


102523

Oct. 25th, 2023 10:42 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Woke up alive! So we went to Mass!

Mailed letters
Jade shower
Lots of prayer during cleanup. Laurie more stable helping me.
Knock homily!
Rosary!


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This harmony at None=
"Give in to God: resist the devil, and he will run away from you. The nearer you go to God, the nearer He will come to you. Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up... The Lord looks on those who revere Him. He is close to those who hope in His love."
It's always reciprocal, always relational with God.
Every step we take towards Him, He meets with enthusiasm. He doesn't sit stoically and wait for us to crawl near. No, He is the Prodigal Father, watching for us and running ahead to meet us!
But then that verb "humble" stands out. It suggests that, in humbling ourselves-- in becoming meek & lowly & bowing down quietly at His Feet, in the dirt like a child or a homeless man-- we become so close to Him that He can actually reach down and gently pick us up. He can touch us; He can hold us.
Likewise, "those who hope in His Love" are described as "close to Him," meaning that not only are such souls humble in their very hoping, but also suggesting that only those souls WHO hope in His Love WILL "draw near to God." We need humility, and hope, and reverence-- the final descriptor, also mutually inclusive, because in order to pick us up and embrace us, God has to look at us... with His eyes full of the Fatherly Love we humbly hoped for. It all knits together.
...But I saved the best for last. "Give in to God."
...

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VOTD = THE DAY OF THE LORD!
Buckle up I'm transcribing & expanding=
⭐ In Eden, the devil's REAL temptation was= "YOU can define good and evil on your own terms, and put YOURSELF in GOD'S place." But this just caused broken relationships and violence, because it put God out of the picture. "Now everyone has to protect themselves and fight for survival, and they're ALL USING DEATH AS A WEAPON TO GAIN POWER."
+ Babel/Babylon becomes an icon of "mankind's corporate rebellion against God" = everyone came together to elevate themselves to the place of God, and redefining good & evil as if they were God. This returns in EGYPT but WORSE!! Pharaoh feels threatened by the Israelite immigrants and starts killing & enslaving them-- the Egyptians "take care of themselves at the expense of others by redefining evil as good." So God TURNS PHARAOH'S BACK ON HIM, as he is "driven forward by pride" and thus swallowed up by death in the Sea of Reeds.
+ PASSOVER IS THE CELEBRATION OF THIS "DAY," the day "when the LORD liberated & rescued them from a corrupt human system!" This "Day" was a huge source of hope for Israel, and when they became a settled nation, they hoped for ANOTHER "DAY" in the future when God would deliver them from their new & greater enemies.
+ BUT the Prophet AMOS said THIS DAY WAS COMING-- FOR ISRAEL! They had become corrupt just like Egypt and Babel, with their religious leaders redefining good & evil and profiting from the distortion. The devil's trap of prideful power seemed to be one no man could escape, a doom that all sons of Adam inherited, even those of God's chosen people.
+ JESUS was born into this historical context BUT even living under Rome's power, Jesus saw that the REAL ENEMY was NOT ANY HUMAN kingdom, however oppressive & corrupt-- it was that INHUMAN evil, SATAN, who lured ALL HUMANITY into accepting his deadly "promise of power"-- a power no one but God actually had, but which the devil's ravenously proud desire to usurp nevertheless was the very cornerstone of his own false kingdom of hell... a kingdom he was trying to enslave mankind to forever.  But Jesus RESISTED THIS ANCIENT TEMPTATION of self-deification in the wilderness, the ONLY MAN WHO EVER DID, and REFUSED to exploit His Power-- TRUE Power, GOD'S Power-- for His own self-interest, no matter how "justified" it may have appeared or even been! Instead of flaunting His actual Authority and Divinity, Jesus chose HUMBLE SELF-DENIAL, SACRIFICE, & OBEDIENT DEFERENCE TO HIS FATHER, setting a NEW example and response for mankind. He DEFINED GOOD in His very actions! THEN He immediately began His Gospel Mission, using His Power of GOOD to CONFRONT, COMBAT & REVERSE the effects OF evil on others!
"Jesus began to say that He was going to Jerusalem for Passover for a final showdown: to confront the evil of Israel and Rome... by DYING." " Jesus was going to let evil exhaust all its power on Him by using its only real weapon: DEATH. Jesus knew that God's Love and Life were even more powerful, that He could overcome evil by becoming the Passover Lamb, giving His Life in an act of Love." "And something CHANGED that day. When Jesus DEFEATED evil, He opened up a new way for ANYONE to escape from Babylon, and discover this new kind of power-- this new way of being human."
+ "But we keep building new versions of Babylon; the power of evil is still alive and well. This is where REVELATION comes in. It describes the future & FINAL DAY of the Lord, when His Kingdom comes to confront Babylon the great-- this image of all the corrupt nations of the world."
"The VICTORIOUS Jesus is symbolized by a bloody sacrificial lamb. And when He does arrive in the end, riding His white horse to confront evil, He's bloodied before the battle even starts!" Why? "Its because Jesus ISN'T OUT FOR OUR BLOOD. Rather, He overcame with HIS Blood when He DIED FOR HIS ENEMIES. And the sword is in His MOUTH-- it's a symbol of HIS AUTHORITY TO DEFINE GOOD AND EVIL, and to hold us accountable when He brings final justice once and for all."
"And so, in the meantime, the Day of the Lord is an invitation to RESIST the culture of Babylon. And its a PROMISE, that God WILL one day free our world from corruption, and bring about the New Thing that He has in store."

Sorry I HAD to transcribe that because again, these Bible Project reflections are LITERALLY CHANGING EVERYTHING for me; I never knew ANY of these ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL TRUTHS & REVELATIONS about my faith (pun intended) and transcribing them in realtime really makes them sink in.

From their own written reflection =
"To imagine a world without violent conflict or death is borderline impossible, yet we all long for it. How can we hope for something we can barely imagine? The answer might have something to do with the Day of the Lord. In the Bible, the Day of the Lord refers not to one day but to many different events, happy OR sad, with one common characteristic— God rescuing people and eradicating evil from the world. If you enjoy doing evil and benefit from it, then the Day of the Lord is sad for you. But if you hate evil and long for goodness, then the Day of the Lord is awesome. Jesus shows up, and this represents a big Day of the Lord. He starts destroying evil, but NOT with violence against human beings. He destroys evil by generously healing and forgiving people. His Power is through love, not coercion or force. After his crucifixion and resurrection, possibly the most important Day of the Lord so far, He speaks of yet another Day of the Lord event on the way— when He returns, when the world we've imagined and hoped for becomes real. May that good day arrive soon!"
...
...

"Jesus, you are the God who helps us and delivers people from slavery. You set us free. You are the God who sees, hears, and knows the cry of your people. Come and deliver us again. May your Day arrive soon as you eradicate evil and restore OUR beautiful world."
Again, NOT DESTROYING THE WORLD!!
I emphasize "our" because Eden proves that yes, it is BOTH GOD'S AND OURS. He shares it with us willingly as a loving gift.
...

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KVOTD = "Just like my physical heart is protected by my ribcage, my spiritual heart needs protecting too-- because things that are valuable need protecting... our hearts are the most valuable thing we have."
...That was such an ironic punch to the chest. Immediately I think Infi and Laurie.

Guided prayer just hit me like a truck=
"God, thank You for redeeming every part of my life."
IT WORKS LIKE THAT???
...I actually need to sit with this. I'm reeling.
I somehow never thought of my LIFE being included in redemption. Isn't that weird? I thought, "okay, my soul is redeemed, but my body, my personality, my history? Nope, that's all set in cursed stone. Those things can't be changed or replaced. When they're ruined, they're ruined. I'm stuck with a broken life; even if my soul isn't in chains anymore, it's still living in a ruin."
But now you're telling me that God, through Christ, CAN and DID redeem EVERYTHING???? HOW????
I can't erase history. I can't fix this body. I can't take back the irreparable harm I've done. HOW am I "redeemed" in EVERY part of my life???
...I'm misunderstanding the word. "Redeemed" means "to buy back or recover by purchase." It implies "rescue & deliverance." It DOESN'T magically "fix what was destroyed." It just... it means that God still pays full price to buy what the world sees as a filthy scrap of garbage, because a very long time ago, that scrap was God's beautiful work of art, one signed with His own Name, and He never forgot it... He never gave up on searching for it just so He COULD get it back.
The problem? The DEVIL had it, and he wanted to KEEP it just so God COULDN'T have it, because he HATED GOD. The devil didn't care about love or beauty or life. He abused and vandalized that artwork, mangling it beyond recognition, just to spite God.
I digress. My point is... God still paid full price to get me back, even if that purchase didn't "miraculously undo" the damage.
...Or did it? Am I still wrong? Isn't there Power in the Blood?
...

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Matthew Henry Commentary continues at verse 27.

"Christ was voluntary in His sufferings, and yet prayed to be saved... "ek tes oras tautes"= out of this hour, praying not so much that it might not come as that He might be brought through it. Save Me from this hour; this was the language of innocent nature, and its feelings poured forth in prayer. [But] He presently corrects Himself, and, as it were, recalls what He had said: But for this cause came I to this hour. Innocent nature got the first word, but divine wisdom and love got the last, [in] His acquiescence in His Father's will... [which assured Him that even as] an hour is soon over, so were Christ's sufferings; He could see through them to the joy set before Him [by His Father, even by their very means]."
Oh wow the Greek adds a whole new level of meaning to that first bit. Christ KNEW and WANTED the hour to come, but His "innocent nature"-- sinless humanity!-- was still scared of the violence & pain & death. So He graciously spoke these words in empathy with us, while still being completely willing & voluntary as to the imminent suffering itself.
AND YET NATURE IS STILL NOT THE AUTHORITY. That is absolutely vital. Jesus doesn't invalidate or deny it, but He still puts it in its proper place-- in total obedience surrender & service to GOD'S WILL, which WAS His TRUE joy!!
That last bit is so important too. His suffering was, ultimately, still "just an hour," as incomprehensibly agonizing as it indeed was. It still had an ending, even if that ending was death. But afterwards there was eternal joy, even because of the agony-- joy because HIS "temporal" suffering and death was GOD'S PLAN, through which He saved fallen humanity from the same fate but in eternity. With that contrast in His Heart, an "hour"-- or three-- was entirely worth enduring.
(I hope that's not heresy. I must be careful with non-Catholic commentary. I'll need to check actual doctrine and correct myself if necessary.)

"It is the duty and interest of troubled souls to have recourse to God by faithful and fervent prayer, and in prayer to eye Him as a Father. [Therefore our] prayer against a trouble may very well consist with patience under it and submission to the will of God in it, [trusting in His Goodness]."
It is a duty to pray because we must recognize His as in control of the trouble, and so to rely only on Him as God, and not seek reason or rescue in any creature. It is our duty because He is Lord and we must not keep secrets from Him, just as we must keep up mutual communication with Him.
It is our interest to pray because it is our deepest comfort, surest refuge, and strongest reassurance. It shines light in the darkness of confusion & fear.
...
Most importantly = God is our Father, perhaps especially in troubled times.
...
We are allowed to ask for deliverance, but never to resist the trial-- after all, it is "only an hour," and God always means it for final joy.
...
...This is where I struggled last night.
...


"Those who would proceed regularly must go upon second thoughts. The complainant speaks first; but, if we would judge righteously, we must hear the other side."
That is exactly how we have to deal with Socials and the Somafoni.
Is this also implying that "gut feelings" and "first impressions" are NOT always correct? If so that's a heavy warning.
If not, it at least IS saying that "first thoughts" are almost definitely false-- the knee-jerk response is always an automation. It's empty programming. Do not accept it just because it barged in first. Stop, seek the truth, pray, and make the Christian decision.


"For this cause came I to this hour; he does not silence himself with this, that he could not avoid it, there was no remedy; but satisfies himself with this, that He would not avoid it, for it was pursuant to His own voluntary engagement, and was to be the crown of His whole undertaking; should He now fly off, this would frustrate all that had been done hitherto. Reference is here had to the divine counsels concerning His sufferings, by virtue of which it behoved Him thus to submit and suffer. Note, This should reconcile us to the darkest hours of our lives, that we were all along designed for them; see 1 Thessalonians 3:3."
This is a KEY distinction!! When we try to "silence" ourselves, it is an act of RESISTANCE-- we want to avoid or remedy something, but cannot, so we forcibly shut our feelings down... but this just breeds rancor & misery. The problem is that silencing is based on OUR wants. Jesus, in contrast, satisfies even His frightened humanity by declaring GOD'S Will, and His voluntary cooperation with it-- He WOULD NOT avoid it, because it was His "destiny" chosen by His Father, and therefore there was nothing else He wanted more.
This is a good reminder to persevere, no matter what. God has a destiny for us, too, in Christ.


"Observe His regard to His Father's honour herein. Upon the withdrawing of His former petition, He presents another, which He will abide by: Father, glorify Thy Name, to the same purport with Father, Thy will be done; for God's will is for His own glory. This expresses more than barely a submission to the will of God; it is a consecration of His sufferings to the glory of God. It was a mediatorial word, and was spoken by Him as our surety, Who had undertaken to satisfy divine justice for our sin. The wrong which by sin we have done to God is in His glory, His declarative glory; for in nothing else are we capable of doing Him injury. We were never able to make Him satisfaction for this wrong done Him, nor any creature for us; nothing therefore remained but that God should get Him honour upon us in our utter ruin. Here therefore our Lord Jesus interposed, undertook to satisfy God's injured honour, and He did it by His humiliation; He denied Himself in, and divested Himself of, the honours due to the Son of God incarnate, and submitted to the greatest reproach. Now here He makes a tender of this satisfaction as an equivalent: "Father, glorify Thy Name; let Thy justice be honoured upon the sacrifice, not upon the sinner; let the debt be levied upon Me, I am solvent, the principal is not." Thus He restored that which He took not away... What God has done [in Christ's Life, Death, & Resurrection] for the glorifying of His own Name is an encouragement to us to expect what He will yet further do. He that has secured the interests of His own glory will still secure them [in Christ]... Let this encourage [Christ's followers] to part with life itself for His sake, if they be called to it, that it will redound to the honour of God. Note, The promises and supports granted to our Lord Jesus in His sufferings were intended for our sakes. For our sakes He sanctified Himself, and comforted Himself."

Okay if this main point is harmonious with Catholic doctrine this is HUGE.
The antiquated speech is hard to properly grasp, though.
What I DO get is this: that we humans can only injure God's glory, but MAN is that ever an abominable offense! God is GOD, the Creator & Life of All, Truth & Love Himself, Endless Mercy & Absolute Justice.
God's Will is ALWAYS for His Glory. For a human that is pride; for God that is RIGHTEOUSNESS. He is incapable of sin, incapable of corruption or death or even change. ONLY GOD deserves glory, in truth. Furthermore, His NATURE, His Character, is HOLINESS. God IS Virtue, He IS Beauty & Goodness & Honor, et cetera. So, to "will His Own Glory" IS to will ALL those holy things, at all times. It makes perfect sense actually. His Name is ineffable-- "I AM"-- but in the OT, that very BEING is indirectly referred to WITH holy & virtuous descriptions OF His Character, of what He has revealed of Himself to the comprehension of man. King, Lord, Warrior, Father, Redeemer, Just Judge, Most High, The Holy One, He Who Sees Me, etc... and then "slow to anger," "rich in kindness," etc. But it's all infinitely deserving of glory. Nothing else is. All goodness & holiness comes FROM Him.
Now, as to Christ consecrating His sufferings TO that glory, that's the amazing paradox that I'm trying to comprehend rightly.
God Himself set His own glory aside in order to restore it. The Son willingly submitted to humiliation and this infinitely glorified the Father. Was the humiliation infinite because He, too, was God? How does this restore the injury done by man? Did He put Himself IN the place OF man, and took on "equivalent" humiliation in just recompense?
Remember the whole point of the Cross, truly, was to SAVE US. His Blood sealed the New Covenant. Yet, still, in this very gesture of infinite Love, He DID "satisfy God's honor" perfectly & forevermore. Is that because nothing honors God more than the Life & Death & Resurrection of Christ His Son, the Perfect Sacrifice, obedient & innocent & willing & loving to the very end?
...
The final essential point is: we are, in this as in all things, called and charged to follow Christ.
...


"The opinion of the standers-by concerning this voice... shows, 1. That it was a real thing, even in the judgment of those that were not at all well affected to Him. 2. That they were loth to admit so plain a proof of Christ's divine mission. They would rather say that it was this, or that, or any thing, other than that God spoke to Him in answer to His prayer; and yet, if it thundered with articulate sounds (as Revelation 10:3-4), was not that God's voice? Or, if angels spoke to Him, are not they God's messengers? But thus God speaks once, yea twice, and man perceives it not."

Splitting hairs in these matters numbs the heart. I know; I've done it. God SPEAKS, all the time, but if we're only expecting a literal voice, or a certain means of a sign, or a particular mode of language-- we might as well be deaf and dumb. God is not obligated to communicate as we see fit. And if we are so hesitant to believe, so prone to doubt, so ambivalent in our faith, then no matter HOW He speaks, we won't accept that it WAS Him!
God speaks through thunder. God speaks through angels. God speaks even in a human voice-- in Christ, in Scripture, in His Church, in our conscience by the Spirit! The real question is: are our hearts open to hear? Are we listening with faith? God is really speaking to us, right now. Will we admit that, and so perceive His truth?


"The matter of the triumph is, That now is the judgment of the world; "krisis", take it as a medical term: "Now is the crisis of this world." The sick and diseased world is now upon the turning point; this is the critical day upon which the trembling scale will turn for life or death, to all mankind; all that are not recovered by this will be left helpless and hopeless. Or, rather, it is a law term... The death of Christ was the judgment of this world... Now is the trial of this world, for men shall have their character according as the cross of Christ is to them; to some it is foolishness and a stumbling-block, to others it is the wisdom and power of God; of which there was a figure in the two thieves that were crucified with him. By this men are judged, what they think of the death of Christ."
...I have to comment upon my Patron. Remember that in the Gospel, at first he also mocked Christ, and of course his whole life up to that point has been an affront to God, hence his own cross... but at the last minute, literally as Death swung her scythe, Dismas repented. Legend has it that Christ had planted a tiny seed of grace in his soul with a pure glance, three decades ago. Dismas probably never gave it a second thought, probably lost it to time & the numbing of his conscience, the hardening of his heart... but even the most fragile flowers can break concrete. On the cross, something bloomed, as the Light of Christ suddenly blazed brilliant upon it, through the bloody wounds and broken dreams, all the violent breaches in that sin-steeled shell. The cross, even his own, was already fused with the Lord’s, already a vehicle of salvation in that unity of faith, by that small yet stupendous spark of recognition. "Jesus, remember me when You come into Your Kingdom." He called Him Jesus. That holiest of Names. God is my salvation. His heart knew, at last.
That is hope for every single one of us.
If all humanity is represented by Dismas & Gestas, and they BOTH were thieves & criminals, and they BOTH started off jeering at Jesus, BUT the "good thief" let grace break through his bleeding heart... then we, too, can change, if only upon our own crosses. Still there is that Name, that Promise, for us-- God is my salvation. We only need to believe, as we look into His loving Eyes beside us.


"The Cross is a judgment of condemnation given against the powers of darkness... Judgment is put for vindication and deliverance, the asserting of an invaded right. At the death of Christ there was a famous trial between Christ and Satan, the serpent and the promised seed; the trial was for the world, and the lordship of it; the devil had long borne sway among the children of men, time out of mind; he now pleads prescription, grounding his claim also upon the forfeiture incurred by sin. We find him willing to have come to a composition (Luke 4:6; Luke 4:7); he would have given the kingdoms of this world to Christ, provided He would hold them by, from, and under him. But Christ would try it out with; by dying he takes off the forfeiture to divine justice, and then fairly disputes the title, and recovers it in the court of heaven. Satan's dominion is declared to be a usurpation, and the world adjudged to the Lord Jesus as His right. The judgment of this world is, that it belongs to Christ, and not to Satan; to Christ therefore let us all atturn tenants."
THAT BIT FROM LUKE IS NOW EVEN MORE TERRIFYING.
The heartless nerve of Satan to offer Christ His own stolen Kingdom is scandalous enough, but THIS? To realize that he WAS willing to "hand it over," IF Jesus would only be his figurehead?? How perfectly devilish, to so mangle truth & twist words!! Christ could "rule," sure, if He would only take one step down, and hand absolute authority to the Adversary. But who would know? Power is power, right? Humanity is already owned by evil, right? That was the devil's argument. "You can't possibly have them back; they're too corrupt, too lost, too evil. They belong to ME. But if You want to be their King so badly, I'm willing to meet You halfway..."
...and I wonder, is that infernal foe attempting to get vengeance for his defeat now, with this very ruse? He has filled the Church with "gall & wormwood"; if he has lost his claim on humanity, he will surely try to deny that at every turn, but he can only do so convincingly by denying, slandering, and concealing the true King. So he goes back to his evil offer, and plays it out himself. He uses Christ's Name as a cover. He puts white-dressed wolves among the sheep. He tricks multitudes into thinking that Christ's Church IS the devil-- what a cruel parody, what a bitterly ironic alternative to his rejected temptation! "If You will not serve me, Jesus, then I will make everyone think You are me." And that's why we see so many Satanists in this modern culture, even appropriating Christ for themselves. They hate the truly Good Church, "as evil and false," and yet they embrace the real evildoer and liar, Satan, "as good and real." How fatally they have been fooled!!
...
And yet, remember this: THE CROSS STANDS FOREVER. The world BELONGS TO CHRIST, BY RIGHT, FROM SEMPITERNITY, AS HE CREATED IT.
...


"By the Cross, the devil is said to be cast out, to be now cast out; for, whatever had been done hitherto towards the weakening of the devil's kingdom was done in the virtue of a Christ to come, and therefore is said to be done now."
This sort of talk is so important. Jesus Christ IS GOD. Therefore He is ETERNAL. Everything He did in His Incarnation was PLANNED and WILLED for endless ages, in His pre-incarnate Being.  He DID exist, and DID work, and DID prepare the world FOR His Incarnation, all through human history.
But the Cross itself transcends linear time. It is the eternal altar of our salvation, of the Lamb of God. It extends its power into both the past and the future without limit. Therefore, the "culminating event" of our salvation, the Cross, is the "origin" of ALL past & future "dismantling of evil", through Christ the Word of God and Lamb of God, Son of God and Son of Man. The Cross in the historical "now" is when & where we see the perfection, the completion, of the redemption of all things, even if not yet realized in linear time-- the hinge of all history, the anchorpoint of all existence.
For the record, it is ALWAYS "now," for us living after that event, and because of it, and by it. This becomes literal in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Don't ever take that for granted.
Remember this passage. Realize what you are even now summoned to be a witness and partaker of.


"Christ, reconciling the world to God by the merit of his death, broke the power of death, and cast out Satan as a destroyer; Christ, reducing the world to God by the doctrine of his cross, broke the power of sin, and cast out Satan as a deceiver... When Satan's oracles were silenced, his temples forsaken, his idols famished, and the kingdoms of the world became Christ's kingdoms, then was the prince of the world cast out, as appears by comparing this with John's vision (Revelation 12:8-11), where it is said to be done by the blood of the Lamb... Observe, With what assurance Christ here speaks of the victory over Satan; it is as good as done, and even when He yields to death He triumphs over it."
Oh this is good. There's so much powerful hope & joy here.
Christ's death was a GOOD thing, even the BEST thing in a paradoxical way-- for it was the entrance to eternal life, and the exit from sin's curse... which was death itself! Christ LITERALLY redefined it, sanctified it, by taking it INTO HIMSELF. As a human He was sinless & innocent & therefore as deathless as the first unfallen Adam; as God He could not die or be killed, ever, in any way. BUT He CHOSE to die as a human, WITHOUT being "under that curse", and WHILE ALSO BEING FULLY DIVINE. So death HAD to be redefined in Him; it literally COULDN'T function otherwise.
The Cross stripped death of all its power, and instead made it a tool of God, NOT of Satan-- completely transmuting it from its original function, which was destruction, as the inevitable consequence of sin causing separation from God Who Is Life. Satan can no longer use death as a weapon against mankind, for Christ has changed its very purpose through the Cross.
Christ, by the very cause & purpose & means & message of the Cross-- His atoning Death, His pure Life, His justice & mercy, everything-- both revealed the true and total horror of sin and offered freedom & absolution from it. Thus, as with death, He not only educated us on the full truth & effects of human depravity, but at the same time gave us full knowledge of deliverance, of forgiveness, of reconciliation. As with death, He took on its full power while remaining innocent of guilt, giving repentant sinners a Way to righteousness in Him, breaking sin's prison forever, and revealing they Satan LIES when he claims we are unforgivable, unlovable, unchangeable-- and when he tries to masquerade sin as virtue. The Cross crushes all those falsehoods permanently.
What strikes me the most is the blatant equating of ALL idolatry TO DEVIL WORSHIP, because really, "whoever isn't for Christ is against Christ," and if you're not worshipping the One True God then there's only one other wannabe option! But these descriptions aren't just for old pagan cults. I see ALL of this TODAY. "Oracles" are everywhere-- horoscopes, tarot cards, ouija boards, even the lure of "personality tests" and "vision quests" run rampant in pop culture, all trying to gain "hidden knowledge" about human nature or human souls. They seek to pry into the mind of God, or at least into places where only He has any right to look. "Temples" is scarily twisted-- people forsake buildings to venerate their own bodies now. They take God's true Temples and make them the very idols they worship. The ever increasing options for "self alterations" and ways to "discover yourself" all deny the existence or influence of any "God" but their own whims-- which are almost always, ironically, animal in nature. "Idols" are so common the very word has become casual vernacular. Celebrities, musicians, authors, artists, politicians, influencers, content creators, gurus, scientists, family members... people are idolized more often than we readily admit, but often they are actually just faces pasted onto more deeply rooted idols: knowledge, fame, power, pleasure, comfort, control... every single one boils down to pride, to exalting oneself and one's own interests & profits above all else.
How does Christ conquer all this? Remember the VOTD. Remember the "Day of the Lord." Although we are still living in Babylon, as it were, the Cross is eternal; the True King is on His Throne, and the Lamb has been sacrificed. Christ IS victorious, even in His Passion and Death. His victory is being won IN these very sufferings of His Body, across all time, until it is perfected in that final Day. But Christ has already won. The devil is waging guerrilla warfare but he has no claim on this world. If he has any thrones, they are shabby ones built on lies, lacking any authority, and all it takes is one drop of the Lamb's Blood to demolish them.
Do not despair. Keep preaching the Gospel of the true King, Jesus Christ, Who has conquered sin and death forever on the Cross. There is hope for us all, always.



102423

Oct. 24th, 2023 10:41 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

SUPERLONG FAST
Honestly thought we were going to pass out. GENUINE NAUSEA, headache, dizziness, etc.

Carrot stupidity

MAINTENANCE CHECK??
Apparently poor Mary is sensitive to the smells of our cooking.
We are ENTIRELY GLADLY WILLING to make the effort to ventilate our kitchen better now, for her sake. This is a blessed opportunity TO DO HER A KINDNESS. We've been praying for her after all.
The whole incident really opened our mind & heart to a "community mindset" too. We are part of a unit here, part of a family of sorts, all living together, and all our actions affecting each other. It's a grace, it really is. You inevitably become more considerate, more tender-hearted, more genuinely invested in the interests of others & desirous of their benefit.
It's also why I will always deliver the mail packages when I see them, too.
Now we just need to stabilize & purify our bloody social mode programming so we can talk to people here as a genuine Christian.

On that note, when we were told about the odor venting, THE SOMAFONI GIRLS WERE COMPLAINING RUDELY AND ALMOST CURSING THE POOR WOMAN??? WHAT THE SHARK???
JAY ACTUALLY GOT PUSHED OUT FRONT TO PRAY, CLEAN, AND EMOTE for the first time in WEEKS because the girls were SO TOXIC. In contrast to them, Jay naturally took the information with a smile & actually joy to know how to help comfort Mary, ESPECIALLY since it required personal effort, sacrifice, and humility.
Pseudocore thinking, "Jay is our heart." THAT'S HIS ROLE????

Laurie pointed out that fighting these girls is actually spiritual warfare-- it's "fighting against the desires of the flesh." They are loud and angry and insistent and whiny but they are NOT US and we can FEEL THAT.
We just CANNOT become proud, or smug, or hateful, because that turns us into the flesh and negates the whole war effort.
We can only fight for truth and justice with humility and mercy and love.

...

Evening =
ANOTHER DEBILITATING PANIC ATTACK around 530pm. I swear it's something about the twilight. I literally ALWAYS feel like I am GOING TO BE MURDERED. The sense of imminent, inescapable, violent & punitive DOOM is choking. EVERY FREAKING EVENING.

Triggered a FEARSPIT PSEUDOBINGE that somehow made us EVEN SICKER than an actual bulimic binge.
Someone had OATS & STEVIA in the house which practically guarantees a disaster in any case
TERRIFIED SOBBING and convinced we were going to die
Still sick & twitchy & scared but its numbing out into "dissociated survival" since we can't escape and it won't stop

BEGGING Jesus not to kill us
The fear was unbelievable. Hysterical, unable to reason.
Crying, "do you love me," so intensely sorry & ashamed for wasteful stupidity it was suffocating
Final prayer "Glorify Thy Name," shaking in terror because we're convinced that God being glorified REQUIRES OUR BRUTAL DEATH

On that note, we're STILL so scared of dying BECAUSE WE STILL BELIEVE DEATH = ANNIHILATION??? And that we CAN ONLY DIE BY "BEING KILLED IN JUST RECOMPENSE FOR SIN"??? Like, if we're good we won't die??? Or won't be at risk of death? BUT the INSTANT we feel the vaguest threat of dying, like how sick we feel now, it's INSTANT "YOU F*KED UP BIG TIME" terror and we're practically WAITING for the bomb squad to kick down our door and drag us screaming to the fatal torture chamber. THAT'S HOW WE SEE DEATH.
...why don't we even consider the possibility of going to heaven? Why does death feel like a "game over, you lost your chance, you don't deserve to live anymore"?
I want to feel like God wants to save me. It's stupid and selfish but sitting here feeling so frighteningly ill, even after weeping at Jesus's feet to save me, I feel like He just... sits and watches me writhe. "Have you learned your lesson now?" What, that I'm doomed to repeatedly suffer through these hells because I'm such a moronic jackass who can't cope with stress properly? That if I have an eating disorder lapse, even if I'm scared to death WHILE IT'S HAPPENING, You'll make me suffer even more afterwards as punishment? God isn't like that though. He isn't. Somehow i have to believe that He doesn't want to torture me, that it ISN'T "the highest good" to kill me for my idiocy.
I wish I could hope, I wish I genuinely felt that God wanted to be merciful to me. Why can't I? Why am I so afraid? Why am I so numb? I can't handle the existential terror anymore. I want to sleep forever. I don't want to be killed. God help me. I'm so scared of dying. Where are You? Why have You abandoned me?



I forgive You. As blasphemous as it sounds, I have to say it. I forgive You. You did nothing wrong. You can't do anything wrong. I genuinely trust in that.  Whatever is messed up here, its me. You're right, whatever it is You're doing. Please help me to cooperate, since I don't understand and honestly don't deserve to.
I trust You, despite my panic and fear. I'm sorry for feeling so afraid and confused and lost. Thank You for still being patient with me, despite how utterly childish and stupid I always am.
Thank You for still loving me even if I can't feel it. It's still a fact, incomprehensible but true. I can rest in that, if nothing else. I really can. At the end of it all, I can find rest in that inexplicable yet undeniable Love.
Help me to remember that always, Lord.
For what it's worth, as frail and feeble and foolish as I am, with everything I've got nevertheless, I love You too.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDE = WE CAN SAY THE MASS??? AS A PRIVATE PRAYER??? Specifically the "Mass of Saint John," which is so brief we can offer up in a few minutes, "whenever we have a free moment." Apparently we can UNITE OUR OFFERING to the actual Masses of every priest in the world-- to the "perpetual prayer" of the Church. And I guess our "prophet/ priest/ king" calling IN CHRIST allows us TO join in this???
Mind-blowing and life-changing stuff. Seriously going to memorize that Mass, write it out even, read more about this.
Quote the page if necessary, but in any case look up the source!! Read more about that blessed priest, and if he has a book, look into that too!

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Also ROMANS 5.
Consider the simple justice in "one man for one man" in Adam/Christ.
"If it is certain that through one man’s fall so many died, it is even more certain that divine grace, coming through the one Man, Jesus Christ, came to so many as an abundant free gift."
One fell, the other was RAISED UP, by the very means of the fall! God loves to use poetic means.
Also, the gift of grace is in response to the forfeiture of justification?? Adam "rejected grace" and so gained just condemnation. But ONLY JESUS could "justly" have grace of Himself. So He GIVES it to us, when we step into HIS undoing of Adam's rejection by admitting our sin and accepting the Cross? We are no longer resisting God, when we enter this humble contrition, and admit that we NEED His Blood to purify us, which surrender allows Christ's Sacrifice to actually take effect in us, and allow Him to GIVE us His grace??? WE NEVER "EARN IT" THOUGH. We need it, but we never merit it. After all we only "get it" once we fully accept and admit that we CANNOT merit it-- by confessing our great guilt of sin, and our inability to absolve ourselves!!
I can't quite think straight on this right now though. Don't go rambling. Read and study it first. Not now.


"When law came, it was to multiply the opportunities of failing, but however great the number of sins committed, grace was even greater; and so, just as sin reigned wherever there was death, so grace will reign to bring eternal life thanks to the righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ our Lord."
I cannot talk much on this as I'm uneducated and it's too deep and important.
But I see "multiply the opportunities of failing," by the Law, and the word "opportunity" is so strange. My thought was that the true opportunity was for Grace to use those falls AS opportunities for itself, THROUGH CHRIST, Who IS the font of all Grace, to not only reveal our sins in order to teach us humility & righteousness in contrast, but also to enable us to BE humble & righteous by forgiving those very sins via the Cross?
I guess what I'm trying to say is= Grace will forgive all sins, if we admit they are sins, and are contrite. The Law gives us this opportunity to see our need of God. Jesus meets this need with the Cross.
...

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VOTD = Honestly one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I was so moved i am in genuine tears and my chest hurts like its full of sunlight.
https://www.bible.com/en/videos/43321?orientation=portrait&utm_content=STORY_CLIP&utm_medium=SHARE&utm_source=YVAPP
I cannot summarize it. That would be a travesty. Go watch it again.
In short, though= it actually, clearly, finally explains WHAT THE GOSPEL IS. I finally get why we use that word, and what Jesus's Kingship is about, and what my role as a messenger of His Kingdom is.
Quote it later if you want. Type about it fully in any case, but not now, not with split attention during breakfast.

For now, here's the written reflection, which actually summarizes itself better than I could=
"Gospel means “good news,” and in the ancient world it’s always connected to the announcement of a new king. The Gospel of God's Kingdom, then, is the good news that God's promised King is here; His Kingdom is arriving. Why does this matter, though? Isn't the Gospel about Jesus dying for sins and then resurrecting? In the New Testament, notice how Jesus is preaching His Gospel long before His crucifixion or resurrection. He’s not focusing on that in His early ministry. Instead, He's saying that God's ancient promise to send a good king and set up His own kingdom on Earth is happening. It's becoming real! The King (Jesus Himself) has arrived— good news! Notice how this Kingdom of God begins with acts of healing and generous provision. He's founding an amazing new world on the basis of loving care for humanity, not on the basis of military power. Our world’s normal kingdoms usually find strength in victorious violence, but God's divine-human Kingdom begins and expands only with the infinite power of love. That's especially good news today if you're a human being experiencing the pain caused by average rulers and so-called authorities. Those listening to Jesus’ Gospel announcement soon learn that He Himself is now the True Ruler over all creation, the ONLY Real Authority over any of us. We have hope in God Himself as King Jesus, the incorruptible One Who rules with Love and uses His power not to coerce or destroy people but to heal each of us and set us free."
Okay, point by point because this is genuinely life-changing revelation.
1) the Gospel is SPECIFICALLY about announcing A NEW KING. It's also powerfully connected to Isaiah's "poem" about the watchmen on the towers, and the "beautiful feet" of the Gospel's Messenger, to the people crushed by war and almost without hope, all because of their own sins. The Gospel King is SPECIFICALLY GOD'S KING, too, promising complete restoration and new life even after all the destruction & horror. God WILL return to His Temple and His People, by His OWN decision & power & mercy, and He will reign, and He will STAY. This King is JESUS, fulfilling the prophecy not just for Israel but for the WORLD.
2) Jesus proclaimed the KINGDOM before even revealing His KINGSHIP??? He let His "kingly actions" speak for themselves. And what are they? HEALING & PROVISION.
3) God redefines power as LOVE & MERCY, not force & violence. His "army" doesn't kill, it gives life to its "enemies"?? And it conquers BY LOVE as well!
4) Jesus's death & resurrection are His ENTHRONEMENT.
5) Jesus DOESN'T COERCE OR DESTROY. He genuinely wants to HEAL & FREE EVERY SINGLE SOUL.
...

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Matthew Henry continues at verse 24.

""Verily, verily, I say unto you, you to whom I have spoken of my death and sufferings, except a corn of wheat fall not only to, but into, the ground, and die, and be buried and lost, it abideth alone, and you never see any more of it; but if it die according to the course of nature (otherwise it would be a miracle) it bringeth forth much fruit, God giving to every seed its own body." Christ is the corn of wheat, the most valuable and useful grain."
The "fall to" vs "fall into" emphasis is indeed notable.
So is "buried and lost." You cannot un-bury the seed once it is in the earth. It is not to be reclaimed for yourself. It must be relinquished to the ground.
Also interesting is "if it die according to nature," and the striking contrast of "otherwise it would be a miracle." But wasn't THAT exactly what happened to Christ as God-Man? Yes, as a man He had to die as all men do... BUT, as a Divine Person, He literally could not die, could not decay, could not fail TO live... and as both natures united in Jesus, He could not be killed, but He HAD TO BE SACRIFICED. So a "miracle death" happened. Jesus CHOSE to die. He GAVE His Life. He LAID IT DOWN for us-- like planting a seed.
...
Then, "God gives every seed its own body." God gives it; no man can. God gives what belongs to it-- no one else. Christ died and was raised by the power of God alone, raised in the very same Body that died-- resurrected and transformed, yes, but His Own Body just the same, scars and all-- and all the bodies of the seeds this new Head bears will be given this Body too, given a place in it, a share in it, transformed into its very image & likeness.
...
Lastly, Christ is wheat. He is no weed, no decorative flower, not even a tree. He compares Himself to a staple food crop, the most basic and important sustenance for His people, hardy and useful and healthy and essential to survival.
...


"The salvation of souls hitherto, and henceforward to the end of time, is all owing to the dying of Christ, this "grain of wheat." Hereby the Father and the Son are glorified, the church is replenished, the mystical Body is kept up, and will at length be completed; and, when time shall be no more, the Captain of our salvation, bringing many sons to glory by the virtue of His death, and being so made perfect by sufferings, shall be celebrated for ever with the admiring praises of saints and angels."
ALL of that is THROUGH JESUS'S DEATH ON THE CROSS.
All salvation, now and ever, is by the Cross. The Triune God is glorified by the Cross. The Church is replenished with souls, and therefore Christ's Mystical Body kept up, and eventually completed, BY His very Death in history upon the Cross, because that is HOW & WHERE & WHEN that Body began-- that is where the Blood that purifies souls is shed, the Blood that birthed the new race of mankind, the Blood that paid our ransom and enabled us to live at all.
The second point is also big:  not only is the power of Jesus's death on the Cross alone STILL our only means or merit of glory, but we ALSO only reach "perfection"-- fitness for Heaven-- BY SHARING IN THE CROSS! Like Christ, we "learn obedience through suffering," and our "Thy Will Be Done" committed all the way to death is the very crucible of holy love. We can only do this through Christ our Savior, Who gives us this very grace to carry our cross when we accept the grace of His own. Thus are we perfected: by becoming one with Christ in His Passion, by which we too are buried & raised into His eternal life.
I'm actually rambling. I apologize. I'm overcomplicating this blessed simplicity. The Cross of Christ is eternally our only salvation and glory, but only as we faithfully & willingly share in it, and so unite with Christ our Life in His Death, the sole means by which the buried seed sprouts up again forever.


"He that loves his life better than Christ shall lose it; but he that hates his life in this world, and prefers the favour of God and an interest in Christ before it, shall keep it unto life eternal. This doctrine Christ much insisted on, it being the great design of his religion to wean us from this world, by setting before us another world."
That's a bold claim, but it's actually true. The "great design" of Christ's religion is for man to be saved from sin through faith in Him as Son of God and therefore Savior, but this did indeed require making Him our King, and living in His Kingdom, which was and is the "other world" even superimposed on this one. Remember- yesterday-- Creation is not evil; it is not meant to be destroyed!! God wants to "wean us from" the FALSE world, the DEVILS world, all his lies and inventions and illusions! But God wants to, and WILL, set up His Kingdom RIGHT HERE in its rightful place, right here on earth! So we have no license for escapism. We cannot "hope for Heaven" and spit on the planet. This planet IS BEING REDEEMED TOO. Therefore, we must hate our lives in the false world of the devil that tries to deny & prevent that promise of God's Kingdom come, WITHOUT hating the fact that we are alive in this world to begin with, for Christ PUT us here on this earth that HE made and INCARNATED TO RECONCILE BOTH TO GOD. But how did He do so? By dying. And therefore THAT is how we are to live here as well: loving all Creation and all humanity for the sake of God, and willingly giving up our earthly lives for love of God. We are not to hate anything but sin.
...

"See here the fatal consequences of an inordinate love of life; many a man hugs himself to death, and loses his life by over-loving it. He that so loves his animal life as to indulge his appetite, and make provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof, shall thereby shorten his days, shall lose the life he is so fond of, and another infinitely better. He that is so much in love with the life of the body, and the ornaments and delights of it, as, for fear of exposing it or them, to deny Christ, he shall lose it-- that is, lose a real happiness in the other world, while he thinks to secure an imaginary one in this. Skin for skin a man may give for his life, and make a good bargain, but he that gives his soul, his God, his heaven, for it, buys life too dear, and is guilty of the folly of him who sold a birth-right for a mess of pottage."
Pasting this whole thing because it's the old war, and we must continue to guard our gates until death.
First... if you're so enraptured in hugging yourself, you will indeed die. You cannot reach out to embrace others. You cannot fend off the enemy. You cannot balance to walk straight. You cannot even feed yourself. Self-love is actually debilitating.
Second, "animal life" is life without the power of reason. That is indeed what we become when we enslave our human minds to our senses and instincts. Living like that, so blind and shallow, surely will shorten your life, if not in literal days then in figurative conscious awareness.
Third, you will still die. All animals will die, just as all men will die. But only a man, blessed with reason and freewill, has the hope of eternal life. Deny your humanity by living as an animal, and you forfeit that hope. Unfortunately... so many people nowadays see man as "just another animal." What an affront to God! What blasphemy against Christ!!!
Fourth, love of self means hatred of suffering, because selfishness cannot sacrifice. In this basic way, ego is opposed to Christ.
...
Fifth, the horrible thought of "trading heaven for earth." That shakes me to the core. "To forfeit my soul to keep my body." To choose self and reject Christ!!
...
The story of Esau always used to scare us, actually. We saw it as this terrible threat, that if we got hungry enough, we would be tricked into hell. But we also didn't understand the birthright. If he died of hunger, wasn't he correct in it being no good? But we missed the point. We prioritized the body, and disrespected the soul. We believed Esau's claim, not realizing how ruled and blinded he was by carnal desires and exaggerations, not realizing that the truest point of the birthright wasn't for emphasizing his body's survival, but for securing the blessing of his soul.
...


"See also the blessed recompence of a holy contempt of life. He that so hates the life of the body as to venture it for the preserving of the life of his soul shall find both, with unspeakable advantage, in eternal life. Note, First, It is required of the disciples of Christ that they hate their life in this world; a life in this world supposes a life in the other world, and this is hated when it is loved less than the other. Our life in this world includes all the enjoyments of our present state: riches, honours, pleasures, and long life in the possession of them; these we must hate: that is, despise them as vain and insufficient to make us happy, dread the temptations that are in them, and cheerfully part with them whenever they come in competition with the service of Christ. See here much of the power of godliness-- that it conquers the strongest natural affections; and much of the mystery of godliness-- that it is the greatest wisdom, and yet makes men hate their own lives. Secondly: Those who, in love to Christ, hate their own lives in this world, shall be abundantly recompensed in the resurrection of the just. "He that hateth his life shall keep it"; he puts it into the hands of One that will keep it to life eternal, and restore it with as great an improvement as the heavenly life can make of the earthly one."
Oh these are some great distinctions.
First: "holy contempt." This is indeed possible-- because holiness must always hate sin! Yet this very "hatred" only exists because holiness itself is Love. It wishes no violence or cruelty. It only wants the greatest Good, which is God and His Truth, and therefore hates sin as untruth, which must be erased so that Truth and Love and Light can enter into that space instead.
Second: when you prioritize your soul's life to the point of sacrificing your body's life for it, even while you still live on earth-- YOU "FIND BOTH"??? That seems like an impossible paradox! Why would you want to find what you "hate"? But remember what the commentary just said-- this is HOLY contempt, not human animosity! It is not disdain for life, but for the hindrance and suppression of real life, eternal life!
Ironically, those who love only their "animal lives" disqualify themselves from the greatest hope of those who reject such a carnal existence = in the end, on the last day, OUR BODIES ARE RESURRECTED.
Yeah, I actually didn't know that for most of my entire life. No wonder I felt so hopeless and afraid.
...
Third: there is no grey area. Infidelity is never allowed.
...
Fourth: A CLEAR DEFINITION!!!
...
Fifth: Godliness as opposed to worldliness.
...
Sixth: as for why & how our bodies are "kept for eternal life?" WE SURRENDER THEM TO CHRIST'S KEEPING.
That should really be the touchstone here. HE is the one that MUST be "holding our life in trust," NOT US, in order for it TO be "restored" in eternal life. We cannot restore it to ourselves; we don't even own it! Our life must be in HIS HANDS to be safe.
But I'm babbling.
In order to "keep" our life-- our real life, our soul-life-- as opposed to losing or forfeiting it, we must hate our worldly life-- our animal life, our dehumanizing life. We ALL have one, and we face it every single day-- we either battle & subdue it, or we let it devour us. How do we battle it, though? We must first realize that we are NOT it, that there IS ANOTHER life that we, as humans made in God's image, belong to. That awareness is perfected in Christ; although it indeed can be grasped naturally by the moral law & conscience, mortal strength alone cannot rise above & beyond it in truth. Try as we might, we cannot reach what we dimly know is there, beyond us, closer to God, Who we have fallen from. So God comes closer to us. Christ takes on our collective human nature, and then asks us to give Him our individual human lives. Why? So He can take US into Himself, and transform us into what we were created to be all along.
There has to be a simple way to say it.
I know I cannot become my true self on my own. I know I cannot overcome sin and death on my own. I know that as a mortal being, as a fallen human, I am under the curse, separated from God on some level, having lost the dignity & grace I was created to have. I cannot rule my own life, at all. I will always have instincts and temptations and weaknesses to fight & struggle with. I am not wise, I cannot trust my own senses, I know very little about reality and I have no way of discerning actual truth. My only hope is in God.
...I'm making no sense at all. I need to stop and turn to Scripture.
"Your life is hidden with Christ in God." "It is no longer I that live, but Christ lives in me."
...


"The Greeks desired to see Jesus, but Christ lets them know that it was not enough to see Him, they must serve Him. He did not come into the world, to be a show for us to gaze at, but a King to be ruled by."
That's what the Gospel is about, now we know!
But this is vital. Christ is indeed a beautiful, inspiring, motivational, wise and admirable man, as so many well-meaning "truthseekers" today view Him. They see His humanity, and the ineffable excellence, dignity, & goodness of it. But they don't see that He IS GOD, and therefore He IS TRUTH. Christ must be seen first, yes: first as really human, really man like us, and then as Christ, as Messiah and Savior-- but then still more deeply as Son of God, as Person of God, AS God. THEN we can serve Him. THEN He is rightly & truly our King. When we recognize His Divinity, we can no longer simply "admire Him"; now we realize we must adore Him. We shift from being mere "fans & admirers", to personally devoted servants. And He RIGHTLY COMMANDS THIS, because whether we "see" Him as such or not, HE IS KING.


"Christians must follow Christ... Let them attend their Master's movements = follow his methods and prescriptions; do the things that he says = follow his example and pattern; walk as he also walked = follow his conduct by his providence and Spirit. We must go whither he leads us, and in the way he leads us... "If any man serve me, if he put himself into that relation to me, let him apply himself to the business of my service, and be always ready at my call." Or, "If any man do indeed serve me, let him make an open and public profession of his relation to me, BY following me, as the servant owns his Master by following him in the streets.""
I paste things like this, not because they shock me with revelation, but because they build a foundation for such revelations to stand grounded upon. These are job descriptions; these are my marching orders. This is clear, practical, indispensable instruction for my new life as a Christian. I entered this Church with a very poor grasp on what I was supposed to do; now that I am finally learning, I must treasure & diligently study each word, then consistently put them into practice.
So. First: how to serve Christ? We've got three headlines here.
1= To attend to His movements, I must follow...
1a) His methods.
1b) His prescriptions.
2= To do what He says, I must follow...
2a) His
2b)
3= To walk as He walked, I must follow His conduct...
3a) by Providence
3b) by His Holy Spirit.
...
To "apply oneself to the business of Christ's service" is honestly an all-consuming effort.
In order TO be "always ready at His call," we must be the servants of the parable-- we must always have our loins girt & lamps lit. There is no break time. There is no slacking off. Your responsibility is greater than you know-- you serve the King! You have a place in His household, however small, and however unworthy you are! There is no greater Master, and He chose you, saved you from your previous tyrannical enslavement. How merciful, good, and loving this King of Glory is! When you truly revere & honor Him, then to abandon your post even for a moment becomes unthinkable.
...
Lastly, the "open and public profession"-- in silence, even! The servant says not a word, but His close & constant attendance to his Master, his vigilant attunement to His words & motions, all this proves his true relation and dedication.
Besides, what does a servant have to boast about? Only of the merits of His Master, never of himself.
...


"Let them attend their Master's repose: Where I am, there let my servant be, to wait upon me. Christ is where his church is, in the assemblies of his saints, where his ordinances are administered; and there let his servants be, to present themselves before him, and receive instructions from him."
Do we think about Mass that way? I think we can feel too much like spectators, or worse, as entitled to some benefit from it.
But in the Mass, we meet our Master. We "wait upon His Word" and we learn from Him how He wants us to live.
This is where Adoration is ESSENTIAL.
...
Christ is also IN HIS CHURCH-- yes, in His Mystical Body! "Whatsoever you do..." that applies here. Are we "waiting upon Him" in His people? Are we listening for their needs? Are we even WITH His people? How can we serve Him if we stay at arms length, if we avert our eyes, if we close our ears and hearts to their cries?
...


"Christ speaks of heaven's happiness as if he were already in it: Where I am; because he was sure of it, and near to it, and it was still upon his heart, and in his eye. And the same joy and glory which he thought recompence enough for all his services and sufferings are proposed to his servants as the recompence of theirs... The reward is honour, true lasting honour, the highest honour; it is the honour that comes from God, [for] It is said (Proverbs 27:18), He that waits on his Master (humbly and diligently) shall be honoured."
THAT is the "peace that surpasses understanding."
Christ WAS already in heaven; He never actually left! He was always in unity with the Father, as a Divine Person. They could not be separated.
I think an echo of that is what Christ offers to us, who follow & serve Him in love & so remain with Him... because He IS God, and to be with God IS heaven. So no matter what we suffer, we can still have joy & glory in Him, Who we suffer both for and with. That unity is a foretaste of Heaven.
The reward of honor is also the reward of Heaven, which is the reward of right relationship with God? It all feels connected. The servant is honored BY waiting on his Master even now, true, but "eye has not seen" what greatet reward awaits such humble & constant devotion when the workday of life is finally over.
I just think of Saint Thomas Aquinas. "Only You, Lord."


"Trouble of soul sometimes follows after great enlargements of spirit. In this world of mixture and change we must expect damps upon our joy, and the highest degree of comfort to be the next degree to trouble. When Paul had been in the third heavens, he had a thorn in the flesh."
THIS HAPPENED TO JESUS. So stop thinking that when it happens to you, it's "impending doom" and Divine judgment of wrath that you "dared to be happy" or "had the nerve to enjoy something"!!


"Holy mourning is consistent with spiritual joy, and the way to eternal joy. Christ was now troubled, now in sorrow, now in fear, now for a season; but it would not be so always, it would not be so long. The same is the comfort of Christians in their troubles; they are but for a moment, and will be turned into joy."

See, to accept this, you HAVE to also accept that JOY ISN'T A SIN. GOD ACTUALLY WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY IN HIM. HE DOESN'T WANT OR INTEND TO MAKE YOU SUFFER FOREVER. Remember the seed!! The law still applies!!




102123

Oct. 21st, 2023 11:09 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
Woke up at 7
Prayers immediately.
Still so depressed & paranoid & miserable over last nights stupidity. Cannot rest with that looming sin of scandal.

Rosary
Jade shower

18 HOUR FAST, GOOD JOB

Mom church talk UNBEARABLE GUILT
"Endless weeping on the inside"
Despair creeping. Begging in prayer for forgiveness, for stronger faith
BRIEF EUCHARISTIC ECSTASY

Mom seller wait talk

Evening =
It is October 21st dude I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO HAVE THE AC ON HIGH.
I'm getting SEVERE panic attacks from the heat, the wind, and the twilight. Everything feels like imminent violent death.

...Laurie was talking to me, briefly, in the car. She's worried about the future of the System, and of the Core, since we aren't taking time to just BE anymore. We don't meditate or reflect. We don't "go inside". We don't even talk. If the "reality" we experience is affected by where we invest our attention-- I think of "feeding the two wolves," and of Philippians 4:4‐9-- then if we don't focus on our soul, on each other, the Spectrum will die.
...She said the warning signs are already evident, with how everyone is "blurring" into the Social automation, because the ONLY focus is on "the daily grind" and "the public performance" and the actual soul & self are being neglected. Therefore that skewed and fatal misfocus is bleeding into everyone inside. It's subtly reprogramming everything into itself, like a virus.
We need to fight it, but we only CAN by BEING WITH EACH OTHER. Like today's VOTD said, we NEED EACH OTHER. We were MADE FOR EACH OTHER, quite literally so, by GOD'S DOING. We KNOW that our spirit rots in separation, when we are forced to facade as a singlet. It's a lie, an abject lie. We are BLESSEDLY MULTIPLE and WE NEED TO START LIVING IT, OR WE WILL DIE.

We must start small. With our hyperbooked religious schedule, we need to take time to rest and apply and LIVE that religion WITHOUT abandoning the prayer & education.
Praying together MUST continue; I know the impatient and intolerant apatefoni have been trying to shut that down lately.
Nightly journals MUST return.
Nightly "couch talks" on super stressful says are ESSENTIAL. Honestly I think that's the closest we GET to each other anymore.
...


Eating the last carrot piece, prayed to truly appreciate it as God's creation.
TASTED THE "ORANGE" AS A COLOR??? Expansive mental perception feeling. Its NOT the superbright "fruit orange" we kept assuming. Its LYNNE'S hue. She caught it instantly and was almost moved to tears.
Its like how you can taste Red in blood, strawberries, tomatoes, etc. It has its own flavor. We tasted the Orange that way. It's in carrots, yams, squash, pumpkin. Its earthy but bright and there's a grounded glow to it? Bright but not like Yellow. Hard to phrase but we caught it in vibe!


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VOTD tied into last night.
MORE point blank convictions, painfully relevant. I need to SERIOUSLY type about these, like entry-grade typing. Make time.
Actually? PRAY FOR TIME. By ourselves we haven't been able to get a minute free. God can, and will, give you hours if you need them to glorify Him & supplement your salvation. So PRAY and SURRENDER, you nervous wreck of a control freak.
And stop being so cruel to yourself. That hurts God's Heart, too. Even towards yourself, it's still cruelty. You can insist its "tough love" and "needed correction" all you want, bit there's NO love in those words and they're weapons to wound, not surgery to correct.
Confess that. Pray for a greater ability to love, and a greater capacity to receive it. God knows we need that desperately.

"Sometimes we need to ask for help, and sometimes we need to BE the help. Do you need help, or can you offer it? Could you use a hand, or do you have some time, money, advice, or expertise? [Remember,] not only do you need people, but those same people need you. You have strengths, gifts, talents, and a personality that’s unique to you and beneficial to them— and vice versa. Why bury them in the ground, in the name of autonomy, when they can benefit others?"
God KEEPS slamming this lesson into my conscience. I'm so scandalized & shocked by it that I keep insisting it can't possibly be true. What hubris, you idiot!! If GOD is telling you then YES, IT'S TRUE!!! "But how do I know it's God, and not human wisdom or devilish lies?" BECAUSE YOUR CONSCIENCE IS DISTURBED YET DRAWN TO IT. IT RECOGNIZES DIVINE CORRECTION. IF IT WAS A LIE YOU'D BE PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE AND UNRUFFLED BY IT. YOUR GUILT AND SHAME AND GENUINE DESIRE TO DO BETTER ARE RESPONDING TO THIS WAKEUP CALL JUST AS GOD INTENDED. SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ALREADY!!!!


KVOTD emphasized prayer being possible ANYWHERE-- defeating superstitious practices-- but yet NEEDING STILLNESS to be true, to be singlehearted in focus AND TO LISTEN TO GOD'S RESPONSE. Have you forgotten that prayer isn't "worshipping AT God," it's a DIALOGUE??? Or are you just THAT SCARED of conversation, because it requires "YOU"?

ttywpf = The Holy Spirit IS WITHIN ME. Trust that. Stop being crushed by your sinful unworthiness to the point of ironic resistance to transformation!!!
"What sort of Christian are you now? What sort of Christian do you WANT to be?" THE HOLY SPIRIT WILL ENABLE & ENACT THAT CHANGE IN YOU, IF YOU LET HIM!!!

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...also, for unknown reasons, autocorrect sees "doubt" as misspelled and keeps suggesting that the correction is "Christmas".
...The Holy Spirit is getting creative with His nudges, I see.

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Continuing Matthew Henry from last night.

Magdalene's love for Christ, modeled after observing Christ's Own Love towards her, was therefore=

"(2.) A condescending love; she not only bestowed her ointment upon Christ, but with her own hands poured it upon Him, which she might have ordered one of her servants to have done; nay, she did not, as usual, anoint his head with it, but his feet. True love, as it does not spare charges, so it does not spare pains, in honouring Christ. Considering what Christ has done and suffered for us, we are very ungrateful if we think any service 'too hard' to do, or 'too mean' to stoop to, whereby He may really be glorified."
This is why the devil cannot love. This is how pride kills the heart. This is also why for love, everything is pure joy.
Pride is so strange. It says, "I won't "get my elbows dirty" on their behalf, because such a disgusting state is far beneath my dignity & due respect!" Pride sticks its nose up at Charity because Charity wants to roll up her sleeves and wash the floors by hand, just so someone else is "spared the pains," and so they will have the joy of a more dignified and beautiful environment, and furthermore Charity doesn't want any credit or thanks-- she wants to remain anonymous. All she wants is for GOD to be glorified in her work, in her acts of love for the sake of Love. Pride, however, scoffs at the labor and smell and time and lack of reward, and prances off to entertain themselves with no regard for God.
I'm already babbling.
Christ "stooped" to the lowest possible place that Divinity could dwell-- mortal flesh, human nature, the very body of a species that had desecrated their bodies by sin. Yet Jesus was pure, perfect, innocent and inviolable... and He said nothing about it. He never boasted, never looked down on anyone, never claimed any special treatment.
Christ suffered hunger and thirst, exhaustion and fatigue, for us. Christ had dusty feet and calloused hands and He worked to earn an everyman's wage by hard labor and sweat. He was willing to trudge for days through crag and thorn and thunderstorm to save a single lost sheep. He was mocked, insulted, rejected, spit upon, beaten, and calumnied. He was considered a criminal, a heretic, a liar, and a devil. He was literally whipped bloody and nailed to a tree to slowly suffocate for three agonizing hours because He knew it would save us. NOTHING was "too hard" or "too mean" for Him, and why? Because love counts it all as joy, when it is endured for Love. And lest you forget... Love is Jesus. Jesus is God, and God IS Love. This is no fond human emotion. This is a divine fire, an all-consuming ardor, an altar of willing self-sacrifice to free us from death. Love is ALWAYS willing to give itself up to God as a "whole burnt offering" for the good of another-- never calculating "worthiness" or "merit," never demanding recompense or reward. All that Love wants "in return," if we may use such terms... is love. Love only desires love. BUT if love is of God, and love is for God, and love is from God... then God can ONLY love, and therefore EVERYTHING is a reason to love Him in return.
I don't know if I'm making any sense.
Jesus Christ is a new and amazing reality of charity. His very existence is a relationship, on every level. Christ deserves our love, yes, because He is God-- that is  piety, and truly a duty of all Creation-- but He also deserves love because He became man, and thus must be loved AS A MAN.
We fellow men must therefore imitate His love as men. In every way He was Divinely willing to suffer for us, we too must be willing-- in love!-- to suffer for Him, with Him. Every "menial task" and "humble service" He did for sheer love of us, we too must do in humble compassion for His sake, for our fellow man, who He unconditionally loved so much, and who we must unconditionally love as well. If we love Christ, we will naturally and necessarily love all mankind as well, for His sake as God made man, and for their sakes as man united with God in Christ.
Pride considers itself superhuman. Pride separates itself from the common folk of the world. Pride rejects the filthy body and foolish emotions. Pride is ungrateful because it feels entitled to all gifts. Pride refuses to suffer because it worships pleasure and rejects loss. Pride denies suffering because it idolizes power and control. Pride says it doesn't need God to become godlike. Pride rejects God because it has taken on that job itself. Pride sees only itself as deserving of love, if you can even call it that-- if Pride can even comprehend love at all. Pride denies Christ because Christ proves it wrong at every turn.
Christ is love. Christ is humble. Christ is gentle, good, patient, kind, and not afraid to suffer for you. Christ would drive three hours at 3am on a dime in answer to your distressed phone call. Heck, He would drive for days if He had to-- and of course He would "have to," because He would want to, because not loving you would be true suffering, unbearable in its lovelessness. But to endure fatigue, pain, expense, effort, inconvenience, exhaustion, and all other things? To be laughed at, scorned, fought against, betrayed, disowned? He would face it all without flinching-- without even considering the cost. All that matters to Him is love-- loving you, loving His Father by loving you, and touching your heart so profoundly by His love that you, too, would love Him, and in doing so glorify Him as God and as Love.
It's relationship. It's all about relationship. Between God and Man, manifested and personified IN and  AS Jesus Christ, ALL love is relationship, ALL love is sacrificial, ALL love is humble and generous and true and UNITIVE. All love brings us closer to God and to each other. All love connects us. The Trinity is Love. It's inevitable.
That's it. I'm exhausted. I hope this honored Him somehow. I pour myself out to empty like this because I do love Him too, however clumsily and stupidly I may scrabble in my efforts. But despite my weakness there is a spark spluttering yet sincere and shining as hard as it meagerly can for His sake alone. If all I can do is illuminate one inch of His pierced Feet then so be it. Glorify that. There is Love, in every last atom of Him. May He be loved forever by every last atom of me.


"(3.) A believing love; there was faith working by this love, faith in Jesus as the Messiah, the Christ, the Anointed, Who, being both priest and king, was anointed as Aaron and David were. Note: God's Anointed should be our Anointed. Has God poured on Him the oil of gladness above His fellows? Let us pour on Him the ointment of our best affections above all competitors. By consenting to Christ as our King, we must comply with God's designs, appointing Him our Head  whom God has appointed."
Her actions of love had her faith IN them, giving tangible proof of what she believed OF Him. That's such an interesting and edifying realization. Because she believed in Him as Messiah, as the Anointed One, she treated Him as such-- but not out of mere duty! After all, unsurprisingly, to BE the Messiah-- the Savior-- was to be in intrinsic relationship with those He was anointed for, TO save them. And, like David of old, that divine anointing was not mere duty either. It was an entering into a new and devoted relationship with God and His People, to be their Shepherd, to make God's Love known to them in a human way. Jesus was the perfection, fulfillment, and manifestation of that in His Incarnation AS God and Man. That is how HIS Love was "believing"-- everything He did from that love was essentially born from His unshakable, inherent faith not only in God as His Father, but in Himself as His Son, Who had been anointed by the Holy Spirit as the Savior and King of All People. All His actions were colored by this Truth, this Faithfulness of the Son Himself Who Is Truth. He could not deny Himself.
Oh Lord I hope my language is true of You, don't ever let me say anything untrue or heretical by accident or ignorance.
As for us men, do we acknowledge His anointing from on high in how we treat Him? Do we openly laud Him as our Savior, or are we afraid to admit our helplessness, our weakness, our dependence on Him, our need TO be saved? Do we still try to achieve salvation by our own power, asserting our own pretended ability to right all our wrongs, as if His Messiahship is unnecessary or superfluous? Do we treat His Priesthood as outdated by rejecting the very concept of sacrifice, let alone the need? Do we claim we need no Mediator between ourselves and God, that we are fully capable of free communication with Divinity, even capable of our own divinization? Do we worship Him as King, or do we sit on our own thrones? Do we paste His Name on the idols of reputation, wealth, success, honor, even entertainment? Do we obey His Law of Love and Life? Do we accept and enact His Rule in our public and private spheres? Do we go to war against the infernal foe to defend His glory and crown? Do we pay Him the tributes He justly demands & deserves? Are we willing to break our hearts open and pour ourselves out on His very Feet for love of Him, our Savior and King and God and Beloved?
Are our actions in line with our faith? How much faith do we have to work with? We know how much He is owed. We have seen countless proofs and have heard countless reasons. Have we committed? Are we putting them into action? Do we love Him enough to believe? Do we believe in Him enough to love Him?


"Here is charity to the poor made a cover for opposing a piece of piety to Christ, and secretly made a cloak for covetousness... we must not conclude that those do no acceptable piece of service who do not do it in our way, and just as we would have them do; as if everything must be adjudged imprudent and unfit which does not take its measures from us and our sentiments! Proud men think all ill-advised who do not advise with them."
I include this only because it further highlights the danger of self-idolizing religious hypocrisy. Yes, there IS a Law of God that ALL men must follow, and which no man has any right or reason to contest. BUT we must meet that duty with reverent humility & meek obedience. The instant we start thinking WE have the authority to tell others how to meet that same law-- then we are acting on pride, and we have stopped serving God.
Discernment is, as always, key. I am not giving any license to the cancer of moral relativism.
A true worshipper, someone who truly obeys the Law of Christ, the Law of Love, will never insist on personal preference as to the manner in which charity is expressed, because they rejoice in the virtuous act of charity itself, for God's glory and honor. And THAT is the key!! Regardless of particulars, IS God being honored & glorified AS HE TOLD US TO? Or are we using our Christian "freedom from literalism" as license for irreverence, laziness, or-- even worse-- elitism? "The way I'M worshipping is the HOLIEST way, and everyone else is being lax!"
I'm guilty of this, terribly. Scrupulosity fear can all too easily become a doorway for spiritual pride.
...

"Judas had no compassion towards the poor, no concern for them [as people]: what were the poor to him, any further than he might serve his own ends by being overseer of the poor? Thus some warmly contend for the power of the church, as others for its purity, when perhaps it may be said, Not that they care for the church; it is all one to them whether its true interest sink or swim, but under the pretence of this they are advancing themselves."
Again, pasting this because it's DIRECTLY relevant to last night's movie and helps me understand it.
Corrupt motives can corrupt ANYTHING and that is frightening. We can even do "good works" with apparently good ends-- like feeding the poor-- BUT with a selfish heart, whose only REAL goal is to gain power of position, or pride of reputation, THROUGH their action towards the poor. They are corrupting kindness by USING the poor AS A MEANS TO AN END, EVEN IN GIVING AID. But it is superficial aid. There is no real virtue in it. They have no love for the poor as persons, as individuals, as human beings. They're just a convenient canvas for "virtue signaling" or even the thrill of perceived "control," if they feel such lives are now dependent on their choices. To become their overseer, their "official" figurehead for survival, the one they look to as their hope and sustainer... such an overseer, if he keeps God out of the picture, will take God's place. And THAT is EVIL. It's too sickening to think about more.
The point is: this idolatrous mindset can infest ANY good works or interests. The example given about the Church made me dizzy. People DO THAT???
But... I can sadly see it as possible, somehow. Whenever "personal profit" becomes the driving force, in any sense or sphere, it corrupts. If someone sees that they can advance their own agenda by promoting the "purity" of the Church-- perhaps under such a pretense, subtly promoting prejudices against race, class, ability, or even background-- then such an "interest in the Church" is demonic. It is USING religion to OPPOSE CHRIST, the ultimate example of meek humility, selfless service, and unconditional Love.
That's always the bottom line, the key criterion, of the true morality of an interest in or support of any cause: is my action and involvement here serving Christ's cause, or my own? Am I seeking God's Glory alone, or do I want it for myself? Am I loving my neighbor as I love myself in this effort? Where is my love? Am I being a sheep or a goat?
Be careful. Pray always.
To further quote Mr. Henry=
"[Under righteous pretense,] the piety of some has been made to serve the policy of others; and darkly designing men have strengthened themselves by cleverly drawing good men into their interests... [but a truly] upright heart approves itself to God, and seeks no more than His acceptance; if it aims at the applause of men, [its entire enterprise is] upon a false foundation... This is a question we should often put to ourselves. I make a fair profession, have gained a reputation among men, but, is my heart right? Am I sincere with God?"


"[Judas may have had the care of the moneybag as a] judgment upon him, to punish him for his secret wickedness; that was put into his hands which would be a snare and trap to him. Note: Strong inclinations to sin within are often justly punished with strong temptations to sin without. We have little reason to be fond of the 'moneybag', or proud of it, for at the best we are but stewards of it... [and Scripture warns:] the prosperity of fools destroys them."
We have to be very careful with this language but it makes sense, and we have lived it.
A "strong inclination to sin" is like an evil magnet. It effectively ATTRACTS temptations-- at its worst, it may even CREATE them. God is NOT the tempter!! "See, the wicked one is pregnant with evil, conceives trouble, and gives birth to deceit." Sin is a virus, a parasite, a cancer, and it PERPETUATES ITSELF with malignant ferocity.
Honestly, whether we realize it at the time or not-- and we probably won't-- being that ruled by sinful desires IS ITS OWN PUNISHMENT. The "temptations without" are just tumorous outgrowth.
...


"The reigning love of money is heart-theft as much as anger and revenge are heart-murder... the guilt of theft and the portion of thieves [is] no jesting matter. Judas, who had betrayed his trust, soon after betrayed his Master."
Those terms are terrifying.
They also apply in both directions.
Anger & vengeance are also theft, as they steal away life and peace, depriving all involved of justice.
Avarice is also murder, as it kills all love and tenderness in your soul, and bleeds its victims dry.
...


prismaticbleed: (Default)

we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.


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1001

Church: GOSPEL + LAST NIGHT VERSE REVELATION
"Save life vs lose life"= ACTIONS, not results!!

BK AT 220 ;_____;

Evening =

Finding a spot to put the 5ft lights
In room= under desk attempt. REMEMBER WE DID THIS IN THE HOMESTEAD!!!
Decided not to put them there; wanted red.
Bright idea to put 5ft around bathroom mirror, for getting ready in morning-- doesn't blind us, and also respects privacy with open door.

Kitchen lights fixing at like 9pm? Put up a string by microwave, up the wall, to chase away corner shadows

Mimic going to bed early, "so sue me for appreciating the fact that I can actually sleep safely here."
I casually said "love you goodnight" and in his drowsiness he replied "I love you too, see you in the morning"
Laurie LOOKED at me, pointed to calendar, mark the milestone date that he was ABLE to let his walls down even for just a second

LYNNE randomly took the melatonin tonight
Julie asked why this isn't more common? Why is she herself the one pushed out?
Laurie said she's the only Centralite who CAN eat, and is one of the only foni trusted TO eat.
Lynne added that in any case, the melatonin "tasted pink" so it would naturally call her out

Stayed up to pray on couch.
Sacrifice was NO BIKE today. Day of rest! Genuinely hard to do, so offered it up.
Falling asleep but still got all prayers in, and got to bed early enough to get legit sleep! God rewards efforts of devotion, always.

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1002

Bathroom mirror lights work perfectly!
Lynne very pleased with them

Blood sugar 70 at mass
We feel SO SICK after we take glucose???

UNBEARABLE GUILT during morning Chaplets. Couldn't focus. Felt like death row.

Kitchen lighting = lights BELOW eye level CAUSES PANIC??? Bizarre. Is that triggering BASEMENT FEAR??

Egg disaster again
Moping! Felt like everything I did was wrong always
LAURIE PRAYED FOR ME

Evening=
Utterly exhausted. Literally 30 MINUTES of free time to rest. That's it. Lord please give us strength.

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1003

WHAT A BUSY DAY!!!

Church. Lady from daily crew passed away. Father gave homily about her, tied into Gospel! We all prayed for her.
Adoration as usual, plus reading about today's TEN MARTYRS from the Reformation attacks on Catholics. Genuinely disturbing that we never even knew that happened.

Got home, immediately & spontaneously CUT HAIR.
Shower
Laundry
Faucet fix
Clean kitchen

FINALLY BREAKFAST AT 150PM 😂

Well, not only does it keep glitching & freezing, but apparently Youversion's update DELETED ALL OUR SAVED PRAYERS.
That's it, man, we're done. We've GOT to find a replacement app.


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1005


Fasting again today.
Called office about repairs-- apparently they are always on-call and NOT "native to" our housing? So although we're technically "on their list" of jobs to complete, there is NO set schedule and it might take DAYS before they actually show up. so there is literally NO WAY to predict their arrival. the lady in the office said they weren't even on site today. which was also unexpected. so yeah, this is going to be a prolonged cross. God's will be done; He has good reasons for this, and we trust Him. we've already learned a LOT.

Mom called during Rosary
Paid full attention to her!!

BK prep FURIOUS OCD Kakofoni
Laurie AXED
Realized we no longer have Infi to transmute Tar
ALSO REALIZED HIR ENTIRE TRANSMUTATION METHOD WAS AN EXPLICIT SXABUSE/ED MIRROR.
...

...our unwillingness to forgive is what killed Infinitii.
ZE did it. ZE was the one directly responsible for that fatal event. But ze was only trying to love, as misled & misinformed as ze was.
Even so... without hir, now, how DO we "forgive ourself"-- AND Oliver, who Infi LOVED?
In Infi's heart, I think, forgiveness is already there. There's enough love AND grief for it.
...

Harbor blue twilight sky at 1845, with streetlights on = INSTANT "THEME PARK EVENING" PANIC!!! Almost debilitating; hard to breathe, shaking, heart racing. WHY THIS SEVERE???


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1006

Last night= wouldn't let self relax. Tumblr waste time. Got so depressed & angry crying from guilt.
Then suddenly CULTURE VULTURES????
I FORGOT how much I love that album. Gotta put it on the phone!


Repairmen ACTUALLY knocked on our door around 930-- BY ACCIDENT. But God said it was time to comfort us, and to tell us that our door repairs are TUESDAY!!
I have to thank God profusely for these two days of heavy fasting & prayer (now day three). I have learned a great deal, and have been humbled in my starkly revealed weakness. But this is grace. I must cling to it, and continue in it.

Saint Bruno's feast day! Universalis bio referred me HERE
https://maps.app.goo.gl/AEppTXjctmAmLK7q6
I am ACTUALLY IN TEARS from the sheer beauty of it. It's so simple, yet so grandiose in God's splendor. Pray for us Saint Bruno.

Lynne eating carrots= VIBE MATCH! Proves that she IS Orange, NOT Vermillion!


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1007


Slept until 9
SO exhausted. We never feel rested.

Prayers tough from fatigue, emotional turmoil. Prayed for help & grace.
Focus was better than yesterday; we're learning to "speak TO Mary" and listen more than think.

Passion prayers during cooking= EASIER WITH AUDIO???

Rosary moved to tears w/ Visitation + music. Hit home.
Reflecting on VIRTUES manifested in each Mystery, in the Hearts of Mary AND Jesus.

It's raining outside and everything smells like heaven.
Wet fallen leaves are honestly one of the most comforting childhood memory scents we have; it's the beautiful backyard when EVERYTHING turns orange & crimson & maroon.
I've gotta go up there soon. Mom has cut down so many of the trees, but... the woods remains, and THAT is where I want-- where I NEED-- to let my heart run free.


...Xenophon doesn't have me feed her with the chopsticks anymore. She asks for the bowl & feeds herself now.
It's a bit sad, but it's inevitable. We're both growing older. She's TWELVE now for heavens sakes, in literal age, not minusing the "dead years" after CNC-- and even if we did, she'd still be hitting 8.
...Today she was talking about moving into the League. She recognizes the aging too, and the irreversible life changes, especially in me. Her father is no longer up front. The bloodline shifted entirely. Her role in my life is completely different; we're not biologically related, and she isn't a child anymore. She's finally accepting that. It just... aches, somehow, this loss,this absence, this knowledge that she SHOULD mean more to me and we SHOULD be closer but... we're not. I'm too different; we come from different timelines, different worlds, different lives.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1008

Unbelievably exhausted waking up. Fibro probably

Blood sugar would NOT go above 84??
So cold too. Hands numb.
Glucose shot up to 104 once driving??? Stress??

Wegmans shop, Walmart stop
Jade car shift
EAR CANDY TUNES by CAPSULE!

Huge mistake BK prep = tried the gummies & vegchips
POISON PANIC FONI FREAKED OUT.
Not Allegra. She says that's her LITTLE SISTER.
Our face & lips DID get red & puffy. SCARED. took benadryl.
Kissed Jesus & Mary pictures with faith and it CURED IT!!!

BK at 3PM WTF.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

101223

LOTS of sharp lower abdominal pain this morning. Wanting to vomit from it.

BK prep Passion prayers again. Sincere.

Early schedule for films. We need to watch them all within 3 days because they're due and we've put it off for two weeks already. But we don't want to be so irresponsible/ lazy/ rejecting of own goals to not watch them.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1016


Church. Made the effort
No sanctuary candle???
Unexpected visitor in back. social mode kicked in and we COULDN'T PRAY. brain literally would not think because everything was forced external. disturbing to feel this hard shift in realtime. 

JORDAN PETERSON YouTube sudden diversion when we got home.
NEED to watch his talks.

Jade shower stop. Family trouble again.

Cleanup & prayers. Reflecting on them more with the System
Accidental shower haha

Mom called, JADE GOT FIRED??????


101523

Oct. 15th, 2023 10:04 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


HAPPY SUNDAY IT'S 230PM BREAKFAST TIME 😂
Seriously though i don't mind. I'm used to fasting thanks to God's training. Remember yesterday's VOTD about discipline!
Today had been gorgeous, and I thank God for that too.

Dream with grandma wanting "chicken pancakes". So realistic that as soon as I woke up I googled recipes for it haha.
But... honestly I think I've been dreaming about her every night for weeks now. It wasn't like this last year. And... it's so strange. In our dreams, we're always at the homestead, but the era is very starkly different: either we are a child, around age 6-7, or we are in 2021-2022, when she was in home hospice. In both cases she is still bedridden, but she's... not dying? She's not in pain. We're still taking care of her in the dreams, but she is smiling and talking and lucid; it's not like the last days actually were, when her awareness of both self and space was visibly deteriorating from the cancer.
...It feels like God is giving me a "second chance." We weren't conscious for the entire time grandma was ill; we were still "dead" post-CNC, and God only knows who was fronting. So memory only starts to pick up in late 2021, I think? Whenever we started listening to Larnelle Harris and hanging clothes on the porch at night with WVIA jazz playing in the background. They're very broken memories, like looking through someone else's brain from behind, but they're real flashes. Nevertheless, they are very sparse.
But... the point is this. We didn't get to care for her. We weren't ABLE to care for her; we were addicted and abusive and absolutely incapable of doing good for anyone. We didn't even wake up until half a year after she died. And... now, suddenly, when we ARE aware and conscious and SANE for the first time in freakin' YEARS... God is giving us these dreams. We're able to see her, even though we don't "remember" her. It's so strange. We see snippets of childhood, and that house, and it's like photographs that we only saw once suddenly come to life.
But we're grateful. Whether or not we actually remember our body's chronological history, it happened, and it affects us whether we realize it or not. So God giving us these nighttime "visits" is a real grace.

 
Beautiful post-rain winter sky upon waking, like a big silver fluffy blanket. It was shockingly lovely to see. I lay there with CZ for a bit and just looked at it.

Needed TWO glucose at church today, but didn't feel super sick, just cold & so lightheaded the room was wobbly and my sense of proprioception was failing, haha. That happens when the glucose drops!

CCD kids stopped in between Masses! Impressed and deeply humbled by how simply yet piously Maryann P teaches them the basics. I have a lot to learn, and a lot of foolish pride to lose, if I ever want to teach children too.

MARVELOUS HOMILY. "Choose carefully!!" Fr. P gets SO ZEALOUS i love it so much. He is on fire for the faith.
Basilica broadcast had a good homily too! Tied all three readings together!

HOMESTEAD SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN. IT'S ALL AUTUMN LEAVES.
I absolutely NEED to go up there one day to help work & soak it all in.
Nabbed a pear!

Jade crying over Pepper still missing.
Had a good honest human talk today though. No zany stuff.

1234 on microwave activated Audrey's radio, haha
Did I mention we CAN see her, roughly? I need to make an avatar for her. But she's BRIGHT ORANGE. She has short hair, is a bit chubby, and she always wears big over-ear headphones. She's young, too, maybe only 13. She doesn't talk much, she communicates through music or gestures mainly; when she does talk it's quiet & brief but notably aware & intelligent for her age. She's so sweet, though. We all like her a lot.

"Laurie-analogous" protector slots for EACH color???
Spice thinking about this
Discriminating her function from both Lynne & Adelaide despite close colors

None hour prayers about loving God. "I love You, Lord, my strength, my protection, my Savior," etc. Hit me that I still don't have that personal and close a relationship with Jesus. I'm still both too scared, and too self-dependent??? Which is ironic as I am totally helpless and stupid and I KNOW it. But its learned instinct from childhood. I need to unlearn it. Even better, I need to have a "NEW CHILDHOOD" IN CHRIST!!!

Etymology bliss= learning "claudere" root words!
Honestly when I learn more about the "skeletons" of language it's like a whole new world opens up. I can recognize the bits and pieces in common words all of a sudden, and even guess the meanings of new ones. It's such a wonderful feeling. I get that too when I can properly read Greek or Hebrew letters, which I am getting better at but very slowly, as I'm not actively studying right now due to all my time being dedicated to Scripture study outright. Nevertheless, it involves both languages inevitably, so I'm still getting some knowledge here and there. I treasure it.

We contacted YouVersion help finally. Apparently there are a LOT of known unresolved bugs, so thank God for telling us to be patient and Compassionate and not quit in a snit.
On that note it paid off already-- today we VERY SUDDENLY got back TONS OF PRAYERS that have been assumed deleted for MONTHS??? So hopefully they're NOT all gone, just glitched. Thank You God, and please forgive our stupid impatience. Thank You for not giving up on us; help us to never give up on others, either.

Think8:7 KVOTD intro actually made me laugh out loud. I always enjoy their vids, them and Word of Life.

Evening =

Family donated food. Uncontrollable panic.
Destructive binge.

I am so sick and so scared.
All I want is Jesus.


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