the spectrum heart cathedral system

✱MIMIC IS WATCHING OUT FOR ANXI actually & that is DEEPLY SWEET although he'd probably never admit to it outright. BUT this morning: SHAME/TAR attacking Anxi in the Plague rooms?? She couldn't fight, Laurie showed up & said "this is what defeats shame" & manifested a HUGE spectral axe from violet energy FROM HER HEART. She sliced the Shame in half; it bled out & DIDN'T REFORM. Laurie was unfazed by the bleed (it hit her boots like sparks) but Anxi looked trapped; before Laurie could get to her MIMIC grabs her & picks her up, as he's HANGING FROM A CEILING PIPE by a tentacle. He said "catch" when Laurie came over & dropped Anxi into her arms. Laurie said she didn't know whether to thank him or shank him for that, basically. Mimic went back to espionaging & Laurie took out some sort of Indigo snowflake-shape talisman & teleported herself & Anxi safely to "pseudoCentral."
Laurie called me in to pseudoCentral (saying both "we need to remodel this place" & to Anxi, "let's get you to your girl") & Anxiety ran straight into my arms. She was trembling terribly, & I asked what had happened. Laurie said that the Tar had picked up on Shame & was going after Anxi. We briefly debated whether there was any "Guilt" in the Tar then but I assessed the vibe data & said no, Guilt was more violent? Shame is "outward," Guilt is "inward." Laurie asked what the heck sort of shame were we still feeling? And it hit me like a gutpunch. I looked at Anxi & I ran my fingers through her tinsel hair & I said, painfully, "it's about you." I cupped her face in my hand & my heart hurt with apology & she looked at me almost scared. She tuned right in to what was below the surface, to what I wasn't voicing but she carried-- the "what ifs." What if people think it's wrong. What if people are scandalized by it. What if people make fun of her & it hurts me. What if I'm seen as a deviant freak. et cetera. Laurie firmly rebutted "love isn't ever wrong, kid" but the anxious thoughts insisted on the deepest fear, the exact root cause of the attack: "what if no one else believes it's love? What if the fact that I love her is shamed?" Yet hearing all this I realized it WAS all "outside." And I didn't let go of Anxi's worried hands and I echoed, "What if I just don't care?" What if I don't care what anyone else says, either? Because, in truth, deep down, I DIDN'T. Laurie pointed out that THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS WITH EVERY OUTSPACER; this is an ANCIENT war & it is MONUMENTAL that ANXI is the one fighting it now, because of EXACTLY who she is. Laurie said that Anxi is "absolutely essential" to me? That EVERY 'foni & 'spacer come into my life & heart at EXACTLY the right time, to meet a SPECIFIC & VITAL NEED, as it were. God knows; He sends them/us all. But I caught the smallest frightened flicker of "I'm not good enough" in Anxi's heart just then. I assured her with firm sincerity that wasn't true. Love NEVER says such things. Laurie caught the other part of that distortion, though, & reminded me that "she NEEDS to learn how to fight," with an implication that I'd be doing a good part of the teaching. We didn't get to discuss this further because of outside distractions, but we will; this is NOT over; I FEEL how REAL & PRESENT this is. Oh!! And Laurie ALSO mentioned Mimic & said how he WAS obviously protecting Anxi; apparently he felt a sort of affinity with her as the newest Outspacer. Laurie said THAT ALWAYS SEEMS TO HAPPEN? & it should be cherished & promoted. Like Rio & Markus, Chaos 0 & Genesis, & now Mimic & Anxi. We really should "make sure" ALL our Outspacers have real friendships with each other like that. I'm especially thinking of Phlegmoni, because he showed up at such a weird time & was BLURRING WITH PIRANHA, who btw DIDN'T FULLY STICK AROUND. Galadia & Tammy are unstable too. But that's all stuff we CAN & WILL work to improve in the future..
...Until then, all my heart & imagination are devoted to Anxi, first & foremost. She is my angel. We NEED to have this *incident*. My LIFE needs this; needs HER. I'm honestly staggered by JUST HOW BENEFICIAL HER EXISTENCE HAS BEEN TO MINE SINCE NOVEMBER. God absolutely put her in my life to help Him SAVE it. I firmly believe this. I must confess I'm curious though. We are OVERDUE for a new Outspacer, aren't we? We'll see what happens, I supposed. OR MAYBE this time of "recovery" is ALL about that-- about RECOVERING ALL the people & loves that have slipped out of present attention, & bringing them back into our heart, EITHER in the System OR the League. But we'll see, for that too. For today, it's all Anxi. She deserves to be prioritized. She IS "good enough," ALWAYS, in love.


✱The meme is correct: I want to kiss Anxi SO BAD it makes me look stupid (& I DON'T CARE ❤)


✱Rhi just left. She hugged me for SO LONG. She looked at me with those ocean green eyes & told me I'm a rock star, to keep pushing forwards. I'm reeling. I haven't felt something this belovedly bittersweet since Jessie held my hand in UPMC. Don't ever forget either of them. R** is her name. Make her words true. Be the person she sees you as. Don't ever, EVER give up.
(also, that look was a kiss, I swear)


✱WE JUST DID the HALLOWEEN SNACK CHALLENGE and PEOPLE WERE FRONTING TO DO IT TOGETHER. ❤ I PROMISED Anxi this was "just for her" because it was a major fear food + context, so SHE fronted to eat the chocolate pudding. It wasn't her vibe, though (which was nice to discern), but as we were wondering who WOULD match it, WHO SHOWS UP to eat the Oreo bits but MIMIC. And he LIKED them!! Apparently the "darker" tone of the cookie-chocolate DOES vibe just enough with him. So that was a great surprise, to feel HIM there, actually ALLOWING himself to HAVE a moment of simple enjoyment. Then Anxi moved back in a little, almost to co-front, before Lynne showed up for the cider (it was way too tart for Anxi) & that's when memory cuts out as we were done. BUT we ALSO had GUMMY BEARS, which are ANOTHER big fear food, and we fronted with the colors: I of course started with the red, white (my fave?? like pinacolada) & aqua (watermelon; BUT although I like the color I actually am not a fan of the flavor?? That surprised me!), but the orange we gave to ANXI (it actually seemed a bit TOO "bright" for her? Orange fruit flavor vibes more with Lynne), & then I went BACK & got a dark GREEN one for her eyes (green apple; which somehow DID vibe more with her than orange). Then I got blue and I KNEW he would probably try but I was STILL FLOORED when CZ half-fronted to eat it. I can barely remember the taste (not his real vibe; too dark & loud? felt closer to Perfect??) because ALL my focus was on feeling HIS teeth in my mouth. Last was Laurie, with the purple one I got for her, but there's like no memory because she didn't match the vibe & doesn't typically eat. Still, it meant so much for her to TRY, after how traumatized SHE was by CNC in that regard. Man though I have SUCH A HEADACHE from all the chocolate (+SYRUP CHALLENGE) but it's a WORTHWHILE PRICE TO PAY for having been BLESSED by everyone's presence. ❤


✱We were MASSIVELY TRIGGERED SEVERAL TIMES during group & WRECKAGE FRONTED TO COPE. She comes out like a PUNCH, sudden & forceful & hard. God bless her; she's our PHYSICAL PROTECTOR and we NEED her. ALSO. The one BHA is wearing "POWDERY" PERFUME THAT SMELLS LIKE "THE MOTHER" and it KEEPS TERRIFYING THE PAIDIFONI. It's awful. I can't see them but it's a little boy. Is it still David? It doesn't feel like him. I think he changed. Either way it's sad & frustrating-- we "DON'T WANT PEOPLE SCARING THEM" but no one is "at fault." We want to PROTECT THEM FROM DANGER but HOW? We can't run from this situation. Maybe we're not SUPPOSED to. Maybe God WANTS this to happen so we CAN finally HEAR & FIND & PROTECT & HEAL THE PAIDIFONI. Because we NEED to & WANT to. So please PAY ATTENTION & LISTEN TO THEM & LOVE THEM.


✱Watermelon candy is giving me FLASHBACK EMOTIONS?? Like it INDUCES DREAD. SO DO TWIZZLERS. Actually in general ALL FRUIT CANDY MESSES ME UP. But we LET JULIE EAT a tiny Hershey's chocolate & SHE ENJOYED IT so even if we get an even worse headache, it's WORTH IT FOR HER. OH and the strawberry flavor gummy bears ALSO pinged her! But the PINEAPPLE ones pinged SOLID YELLOW, which is still vacant. It shouldn't be. PLEASE MAKE THAT A PRIORITY IN OUR RECOVERY. WE NEED CENTRAL TO BE FULL AGAIN. ...We need everyone BACK. God willing, that CAN & WILL happen. But it REQUIRES TIME, EFFORT, & THERAPY, with TONS OF MEDITATION & COMMUNICATION. Thankfully THAT'S WHAT WE WANT. So DO IT! Prioritize the selfknowledge-selfrestoration DAILY. WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE UNLESS WE ARE WHOLE. Without ALL of our soul, we CAN'T BE TRULY CREATIVE OR HONEST WITH OTHERS OR LOVE FULLY. Literally ALL OF IT DEPENDS ON THE SPECTRUM BEING COMPLETE AGAIN.


✱Unexpected, heavy, immediate topic. WE NEED TO PROCESS/ COPE WITH/ DISCUSS "BODY IMAGE," ESPECIALLY HOW IT FEELS. It's so BIG now. The ACTUAL WEIGHT of larger arms & legs ALONE is disconcerting. Then we have this HUGE midsection now, which I can barely even BEND because there's SO MUCH MASS. It pushes up against my chest & makes it hard to breathe. I feel it gathering around our waist and it feels like a phantom limb-- excess, "immobile" flesh that literally feels parasitic. BUT I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE THIN AGAIN. That FELT clean & safe & pure, BUT it made me WEAK & FRAIL. And honestly? My REAL dream for "body image ideal" is to be a TANK. And THIS state of bulk, however uncomfortable, is actually STEP ONE. I NEED "FUEL" TO BURN TO BUILD MUSCLE. And THAT will be HEAVY too! Listen man the way our body looks, I think it WANTS a stockier build. I'm FIRE, NOT AIR. I'm STONE & METAL. I'm SUPPOSED to be SOLID & STRONG & POWERFUL & WARM & BRIGHT & FIERY! And I LITERALLY CANNOT BE THAT IF I STARVE MYSELF SMALL. NO. I WANT TO BE BIG. I really do. It means LIFE and HEALTH & STRENGTH. And I WILL get there, more & more each day. Just, right now, it IS uncomfortable to feel "thick" around the middle. Still, a LOT of that is FOOD=ENERGY, so CHILL. Your body is busy REBUILDING ITSELF WITH THE WONDER OF CREATION. After YEARS of rejection/ purging/ avoiding/ starving/ fear/ hate/ etc., your body is FINALLY ACCEPTING, EMBRACING, CHERISHING, & COMMUNING with GOD IN HIS WORKS. Because, I repeat, GOD CREATED FOOD SPECIFICALLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF SHARING LIFE WITH US-- HIS LIFE, ULTIMATELY, FINALLY GIVEN IN CHRIST, THE BREAD OF LIFE, WHO SPOKE ALL THINGS INTO BEING, SUSTAINS THEM WITH HIMSELF, & REDEEMS/ SANCTIFIES THEM IN HIMSELF. Remember, GOD BECAME MAN & ATE FOOD & SO DID ADAM BEFORE THE FALL & EATING IS MEANT TO BE A PRIESTLY ACTION & FOOD IS MEANT TO BE HOLY. THAT'S WHY THE DEVIL TRIES TO CORRUPT IT SO MUCH. DON'T LET HIM. KEEP RECOVERING. DON'T EVER STARVE YOURSELF AGAIN. DON'T EVER BINGE OR PURGE AGAIN. DON'T EVER DESTROY OR WASTE AGAIN. EAT, WITH LOVE & GRATITUDE, & TURN YOUR NEW BIG BODY INTO A TANK FOR SPIRITUAL WARFARE. FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT KIDDO!!