the spectrum heart cathedral system

I'm miserable and terrified about both Thanksgiving and vacation coming up, both situations in which i will inevitably be forced to eat strange foods in public settings, and I'm trying to figure out if whatever the heck I'm dealing with ACTUALLY IS. How much co-morbidity is going on?
I've been diagnosed with OCD, anorexia, and bulimia, as well as a tendency to psychosis, but I'm googling ARFID and some of these comments are SPOT ON=

https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/comments/1hgtcxb/i_have_arfid_a_complex_type_of_picky_eating/
"ARFID is not like a severe craving to certain types of food, and a willingness to starve in protest until you get that food. Parents can serve their kids as much real food as they can get and never let processed food near their kid. The child will starve rather than eat unsafe foods. Not because they’re holding out for cookies instead, but because their brain makes them feel like they will die if they eat that food. It’s a survival instinct, just a poorly wired one..."

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS WITH ME. The issue is that I apparently dissociate so bloody hard that I don't even COMPREHEND textures/ tastes/ smells typically?? Like I can sit here and try to remember sensory data of food, but despite all of Iscah's old obsessive datalogging NOTHING IS ACCESSIBLE. It's due to abject terror. How in the world did that develop post-TBHU?? Most notably though, is that my avoidance of food is actually rooted in "poison" and "infestation" and "moral panic" fears, rather than sensory issues. I am literally scared to death that if I eat 1/4 teaspoon of dry oats, it WILL somehow "kill me"-- either because my body will reject it/ react to it so disastrously that I will die, OR because "eating it is WRONG/ SINFUL" and I will be PUNISHED with death for "disobeying God" BY eating it. It's hell. 
BUT THEN there is ALSO the terror of gaining weight, which is ACTUALLY tangled up IN the "poison/ infestation" fear. To me, "weight gain" is the result of FOREIGN MATTER. It is a PARASITIC SYMPTOM. "Gaining weight" means that THERE IS EXCESS STUFF INSIDE OF ME THAT DOES NOT BELONG THERE. It's a literal "existential horror" reaction, based on this rocksolid conviction that the REAL me, the TRUE me, is STILL PHYSICALLY CHILDLIKE (prepubescent), and therefore if I gain weight-- which, honestly, is synonymous with "become an adult/ become female"-- I am actually only "burying myself alive" beneath superfluous junk matter. The "real me," the small but healthy wiry fiery child me-- NOT thin or waifish or sickly-- is SUFFOCATING. It's a TERRIFYING feeling and I get it ALL THE TIME. It's why "feeling full" is one of the scariest things in the world, let alone feeling food IN the body at ALL-- it registers ENTIRELY as essentially a MALIGNANT TUMOR. I cannot find strong enough words to describe it. Food, to me, in general, is INVASIVE. It is an INCURSION, more specifically-- "an invasion as well as an attack," a "hostile entrance into a territory." Eating, to my psyche, is INHERENTLY something scarily analogous to rape. Even with my "safe foods," I need to dissociate the entire time (hence the Bible study hyperfocus) or THAT awareness clicks in and I am overwhelmed with survival panic. It's a literal trauma response. 
Eating food, to me, means "forcing foreign objects into my body in a painful and humiliating manner, where I cannot get them out and I am helpless to do anything about their unwanted weight inside of me, and they will take over my mind and body from the inside out, and I will die from their poisonous influence infecting me unless I violently vomit them up to destroy them, and am clean and safe and good and pure again."  THAT IS MY DAILY LIFE, and THAT IS NOT NORMAL. THAT IS TRAUMATIZED LANGUAGE. And, despite recognizing it as technically incorrect according to "normal people data", IT STILL "MAKES PERFECT SENSE" TO MY LIFE SITUATION and registers as 100% FACTUAL. 

I had FIVE RELAPSE DAYS THIS WEEK due to trying very hard and therefore very stupidly to reintroduce "new foods" (mostly carbohydrates) into our diet. Long story short= 99% of it ended up donated, thrown in the garbage, or vomited up. I was SO UNBELIEVABLY SCARED that as SOON as I got symptoms of nausea, stomach pain, headaches, dizziness, shaking, confusion, itching, burning, etc. I PANICKED and PURGED EVERYTHING. But are those symptoms really life-threatening, or are they the results OF unconscious fears? I don't know. 
I tried lettuce, bread, tomato, mayonnaise, tunafish, salmon, oatmeal, sunflower butter, blueberries, apples, raisins, zucchini, cucumber, carrots, chickpeas, blackeyed peas, eggs, rice, and protein powder. ALL OF IT SCARES THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME. But when I look at that list and ask myself, "but WHY is it so deadly/ scary?" The only response I get is, "because it's POISON." When I ask, "can you define "poison"?" The response is, "IT DOESN'T BELONG AND IT WILL KILL ME." So... deep, deep down, ALL FOOD is somehow potentially "poisonous," because EVERY SINGLE THING THAT "GOES INTO OUR BODY" IS FATAL BECAUSE IT IS A FOREIGN INVASIVE OBJECT. 
That's the fear. "It doesn't belong." "It's an invading enemy." "It's a parasitic infection." 
How ironic that Animorphs was such a definitive series for me as a kid. I was already severely germaphobic back then, with serious magical thinking issues... the Yeerks were the second most perfect simile for the deep horror I experienced daily. The most perfect one was demonic possession. 
God I am so tired.

I have so much more work to do tonight. I'll pause this thought for now. At least I was able to voice some of my most immediate concerns.

OH. I almost forgot. The PARALLEL concern is how my MOTHER is reacting to this, because this whole topic came up during a phone call in the specific context of my saying, verbatim, "every time I go up that house, I have a relapse into disordered behavior. I've been saying that for years; you know that, and it hasn't changed." It's true. No matter WHAT I do, being in that environment just RUINS me. When I went up on Saturday evening to do some odd jobs for mom, as I was peeling old wallpaper off the walls, I had the sudden awful lucid thought that, "if I still had to come up here every night, with no escape, I would absolutely still be drowning in the eating disorder and self-abuse." I knew it was true, and that terrified me. ...and then, my mother decided to keep me there for for hours while she did other things, and what do you know, I had my worst E.D. relapse in MONTHS. My brain just couldn't handle it. I don't know how to explain it. It feels like the "opposite" of a survival instinct-- it's the same screaming urgent compulsion, but it's DESTRUCTIVE, not protective. It's like... "I can't get out of here, everything is wrong and dirty and scary and loud and evil, and I'm stuck here, and it's ALL WRONG," therefore "I'm going to kill myself WITH it." THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO. Somehow, being in that environment triggers what I can only figure is a bizarre SUICIDE REACTION, an "escape route" that is POINTEDLY ACCUSATORY because it uses the impetus itself AS the means. Basically = this house is scaring me to death, and I can't do or say anything about it, and I cannot get away somewhere safe, SO the ONLY way I can "scream for help" or "protest against this horror" is to MAKE MY AGONY VERY VISIBLE by using this house itself to make me sick enough to DIE." Does that make sense? It's like, if a child was mute and couldn't voice his fear, but he was scared to death of the family dog, so he did everything it could to make the dog ATTACK and HUR him, JUST so the family would GET RID OF THE DOG. It's a desperate cry for help, for rescue, for escape, but no one is listening, and no one takes you seriously, and no one believes you, and no one cares, so your ONLY OPTION is to force circumstances to become SO UNIGNORABLY BAD and DIRECTLY ASSOCIATED WITH WHAT YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM, that it will annoy or inconvenience or outright outrage others to the point where they WILL get you out of there EVEN if it's solely in their own interests. The single point pursued is to escape. The means are not important. Desperation will do anything it must. So that's apparently what happens when I go up that house and am forced to stay there for longer than a few minutes apparently.
HOWEVER. What was my mother's response on the phone? It was the same as it's been for years as well: "I don't know what else to do! I'm making EVERYTHING in that house look so different, so you SHOULDN'T be traumatized by it anymore! Everyone who used to live there is dead, so you SHOULDN'T have any problem with it!"
This time I had the guts to reply, with noted resignation, "that actually made it worse for me, mom."
See, it's PERFECT for her-- she actually feels "completely safe and happy" there now, "for the first time in her life" she claims. And I am GENUINELY HAPPY FOR HER. Apparently, making it look different DID help her. But not me. 
There was no way I could explain why over the phone, and I know she didn't want to hear it anyway-- whenever I attempt to explain how my broken brain works, she immediately cuts me off or changes the subject. This is a repeatedly proven phenomenon and I do not want to burden her with that data anyway; she has no interest in it and therefore no need to hear it. She isn't my therapist, she isn't a nousfoni, she isn't Jesus, so there's no reason for me to tell her anyway. So I didn't even try. This was fine by her-- she continued the conversation in a different direction and I nudged it along that way, glad to not be talking about myself anymore.
However, I knew that I would have to at least try to explain WHY/ HOW "that made it worse for me" in this journal, for System purposes. 
Here's the core of the matter: what triggers me about that house is notsomuch how it looks but how it feels. I get triggered by the SPATIAL REALITY of it somehow. There's a texture to the air, a smell, a sense of proprioception in reverse, almost-- it's like I'm physically, immediately aware of the ghosts of the past. It's like building an amusement park over an old graveyard. No matter how cheery and uplifting you try to make the space now, no matter how much you try to override and abrogate the memory of what was before, there are still corpses buried beneath it and you cannot get them out. The bathroom looks 1000% different than it used to, but it still takes up the same physical space, and therefore it registers to my psyche AS the SAME bathroom, which it "is," regardless of physical appearance. Don't forget-- I've lived my entire life as internally-rooted in one sense or another. Physical appearance is not what I'm focusing on. My subconscious seems to assume, by default almost, that "what I see is illusory" or at least "not the reality of the thing." I notice this more often now-- it's a "dream logic," this assumption that apparent forms could shift or dissolve or disappear in a moment. It's hard to parse that yet. But I feel it, even looking around now. It's the constant underlying feeling that "I could wake up at any moment" and everything will just disappear, leaving some deeper, truer reality behind? Like everything is just a symbol, or better, a hologram, like Erek the Chee. He's a human boy and yet he is absolutely not, and yet one can know him all one's life as the former without suspecting the latter. Still, it's the truth. That's how I feel about life, I guess. Maybe that's a depersonalization symptom-- this "nothing is quite real" sort of "interim space" undertone to life itself. 
But I digress. With the house, "changing the hologram" is not going to alter what's beneath it, to continue that analogy. And, most importantly, it's still taking up the exact same space in the world. THAT'S what triggers me, more than anything. 
The second and third issues are ones that I cannot tell my mother out of filial respect. First is the fact that she is, to my perception, a hoarder. She owns DOZENS of outfits, DOZENS of shoes, HUNDREDS of books and CDs and DVDs and movies... the house is SO CLUTTERED with sheer stuff-- BOTH hers and grandpa's-- that it completely burns out my brain the minute I walk in the door. The sheer dirtiness of clutter is bad enough on its own, but the oppressive VOLUME of it makes that house a cesspit of NIGHTMARISH SENSORY OVERWHELM. And it's not just visual volume-- it's AUDITORY. When my mother is around, NOISE DOES NOT STOP. She's either talking literally nonstop, AND/OR she is blasting music or an audiobook or the television or all three at once PLUS the conversation AND the cooking AND the bloody CATS. That's the new and unbearable overwhelm: the ANIMAL FILTH. Oh of course there is an ABUNDANCE of "human" filth-- garbage, food waste, hair, unknown sticky substances, spills, etc. not to mention the incredibly unsanitary condition of the bathrooms-- but  NOW we have LITERAL FECES AND HAIR AND VOMIT OVER EVERYTHING due to the fact that there are three filthy dirty stinking animals running free around the ENTIRE HOUSE, so that NOWHERE IS CLEAN and NOWHERE IS SAFE and EVERYTHING "BELONGS TO THE CATS" now, in my brain. The "infection" feeling is tangible, with those animals everywhere. It literally makes my brain scream the instant I open the front door, and it is impossible to escape. No matter where you go, there's litter and kibble and biological waste and everything STINKS. That's INFINITELY WORSE than all the overwhelm with the more "abstract dirt" of sight & sound, and even of tangible touch, as horrible as that is. I've realized lately that, unexpectedly, a TON of my WORST triggers are OLFACTORY. Although I don't "pay much attention to it," it is HUGELY IMPORTANT TO MY MIND, and when I want to remember something I NEED to "smell it." It's almost obsessive; I'm noticing that, frequently, my memories don't seem real UNLESS I can "smell" them. I guess this plays into the "dream" mindset I have due to dissociation and trauma. Sight and sound and touch are all very easily "imagined" and "abstract" and oneirataxic almost by nature, to me. But SMELL? THAT MAKES THINGS CONCRETE AND REAL. So when I walk into that house and the FIRST thing that hits my brain like an airbus from hell is the STINK OF CATS AND FILTH, my immediate survival instincts kick in screaming to GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. But I can't. 
"But wait," the invisible audience interjects. "There were no cats in the house until right before your grandmother died. Surely they can't be the biggest trigger, in the big picture?" That's true, they're not. They are the biggest SENSORY OVERWHELM trigger that EXACERBATES my trauma trigger symptoms, because such overwhelm SEVERELY INHIBITS MY CAPACITY TO STAY STABLE. It shakes me up SO BAD that my ability to "calm down" at ALL is almost SHUT DOWN. You know the "spoon theory" metaphor for chronic illness? Well, the clutter and cats take all my spoons and throw them in the litter box. I'm DONE. I CANNOT handle it, sometimes IMMEDIATELY, right out the gate I'm crippled by the sheer amount of junk and the HORRIFYING STINK OF IT ALL. So when I start getting ACTUAL TRAUMA FLASHBACKS, I'm already incapacitated. So this is an extra layer of why "making it look different" does not work-- I am getting ACTIVELY traumatized by how it looks NOW, a totally separate chronological reality that is STACKING DIRECTLY ON TOP OF THE OLD ONE. But I cannot tell her that. It would be completely rude and inconsiderate, even if it is true. I can't make her change, I can't get a dumpster and just chuck everything in the bin on a massive scale, I can't get rid of the cats, I can't get rid of all her clothes and toys and things. I can't say or do anything about it. Hence feeling "mute" and desperately trying to "passively destroy the environment" through the eating disorder, I suppose?? 
I cannot talk about "taste" as a trigger because the eating disorder is a whole unique hell of its own.
But... there's another very particular and hellish extra problem with the smell of the house, and that problem is mom herself. There is a very particular odor that HER objects have that TERRIFIES ME TO THE GUTS. I've been trying to talk this out with the paidifoni but they are SO SCARED that the data is a jumbled screaming crash of static deathterror and we can't get anywhere far without Wreckage showing up and demanding what the heck I'm doing, rightly so. But... deep down, as tragic and disturbing as it is, there is the fact that she herself scares the living daylights out of me/us, and explicitly in a SENSORY manner. Her smell, her "texture" (feel of clothes/ skin, weight, position in space), her voice, all TERRIFY ME in such a deep subconscious "survival fear" way that the mere thought of them makes "me" start sobbing and hyperventilating like a panicked child. WHY. I have not been able to figure this out. But it's the most intense fear we have, in a sensory respect, even worse than the immediate environmental ones in the house. Her perceptible form and its accompanying sensory data are just... utterly frightening to me in such a visceral way that I might stop screaming and never stop. I cannot escape. I cannot run. I am trapped in that sensory space. I am going to die and I cannot get out PLEASE HELP HELP HELP---- and THAT is what happens when I bring up the SMELL DATA, which is inextricably linked to the "space data." I need a better word for that. I... I tend to remember people by the space they take up. It's unique, it's hard to explain. I struggle to remember faces and voices often, but for some reason, even when thinking about grandma, I remember her smell, I remember how it felt when she stood next to me in a room, the shape and weight of her arms, the contours of her bony hands, her weight when I carried her, the texture and scent of her hair, what it felt like to kiss her face and head. I remember contact data. And even with my brothers, the first "data" I can access in memory is smell. I remember doing the laundry for the family and being so pleased that with my eyes closed, I could tell exactly whose clothes I was hanging up by the scent of each one. That data still sticks, although it's from childhood, and probably doesn't match them now... I wouldn't know; I haven't been close to any of them in years, and that is so sad. It breaks my heart. But... I can't do anything about that either; people change and places change and yet the space is the same. That's what it all comes back to, for me, in the end. The house is in the same space. Their souls are still in the same bodies. I'm looking at this lamp on my desk and my brain registers it as "not real" solely because it's just a visual, and even when I touch it it just registers as "interesting data" detached from the reality of it as an object?? But lightbulbs have a smell. And THAT makes it "click" as real. So many scents are so subtle, so small. And, also, now that I have touched the lamp, when I RECALL the data in my head, THEN it feels "real"? NOT in space, but IN MIND specifically. That's SO WEIRD. It's like... things only "exist" in a verifiable manner if I internalize them, somehow. 
Anyway. That's why the sensory memory triggers are scarier than the actual things, sometimes. I can be around my mom at the house and not have a meltdown, but the INSTANT the sensory data is recalled I have a MELTDOWN, even if the recall happens seconds after the exposure. It's because NOW the data is INTERNAL and THEREFORE IT REGISTERS AS "INFECTION"!!!! Oh dude I think THAT'S IT. Once something is INTERNAL we can NO LONGER RUN OR GET AWAY. It's like CANCER. It's... it's the damned rape analogy again. "It's been forced into us, and we cannot get it out, and we are ruined." 
And that's what happens with the house, I suppose. Even though it looks different, and even has new different smells (however disturbing they are), the old data is still there too, and will ALWAYS be there, because ultimately it's STILL THE SAME HOUSE, and I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT, and I am so sorry mom but until I can figure out how the heck to get a grip on it I do NOT want to come over for Thanksgiving because it will be ALL OF THAT PLUS HAVING TO EAT. 

...We're back at square one. The worst, deepest, scariest, most pervasive and hellish fear is food. It's the ultimate amalgamation of all horrors. It is sight AND smell AND touch AND sound rolled into one PLUS TASTE, which NOTHING ELSE HAS naturally, unless you're a weird child like I was and look for it anyway, just to "know." But naturally, food is the only thing that hits EVERY PANIC BUTTON AT ONCE, and the most distressing part of it is that GUESS WHAT, YOU CANNOT EVER RUN AWAY FROM EATING. I have tried, believe me, that's the whole anorexia bit. It doesn't work for very long. The body is designed to need food and I HATE THAT SO MUCH but it's true. 
I'm losing my focus. I apologize. I guess I cannot dive into this topic right now because we're getting the "dissociative flight response" at the attempt. 
So here's what I'll say. I do not want to go over mom's house for Thanksgiving because I do not want to eat in that house ever again. I do not feel safe in that house the way it is, and having to EAT and therefore "SWALLOW THE FILTH" as well would kill me on some very real level. I would NOT be able to prevent a destructive-suicidal binge and purge. I would INEVITABLY feel infected and doomed to die and THEREFORE would "cope" with that by forcing myself to overeat, which would be my ONLY WAY OF "DESTROYING THE THREAT." And then I would throw everything up as my sole means of "conquering/ escaping" the attacker. The minute I swallow even one crumb of ANYTHING in that house environment, I have INGESTED FATAL POISON and the ONLY POSSIBLE OUTCOME is to THROW IT UP. But my brain adds that bizarre EXTRA step of, "since I'm already poisoned and will already have to vomit, I should take advantage of this opportunity and DESTROY AS MUCH FOOD AS I CAN." Why? I'm still not sure. I think it might just be "to eliminate all possible future threats of this ever occurring again" as a protective/ defensive mechanism, PLUS "knowing the enemy" so I "burn the terror into my brain" by heightening the traumatic experience as much as I can so that I don't forget it or ever expose myself to that danger again by forgetting just how bad it was. I've noticed that motivation in myself too often. If it's not "bad enough", I'll "justify" it as being "not actually traumatic" and THEREFORE I will "HAVE TO" endure it again, because remember, there's no escape, you WILL be forced into this situation again, but if I make every successive situation as DISASTROUS AS POSSIBLE, maybe my abusers will get FED UP WITH ME and LET ME GO FINALLY. Is that what I'm doing??? If I destroy enough of their food, and make myself into an appalling enough gluttonous monster, and humiliate and embarrass and inconvenience and shame them badly enough by my behavior, will I FINALLY BE FREE? I think that's the bottom line. I'm just... I just want to get out of there, please, I don't want to go, I don't want to go through hell again, I'm so scared, I don't want to eat. I just want to go home. ...but home doesn't exist anymore, only in memory space, only as a ghost. 

...that's it for tonight. I can't even think about the vacation threat yet. That's so frightening it's shutting my brain down. 

Mom's calling. Time to log off. 

...actually, you know what the worst thing is about all of this?
I love my mom. But I'm so scared of her on some deep awful level. I don't know why. When she calls I want to cry and scream and run and yet I wish no harm on her whatsoever, I am happy she's my mom, I am so happy that she's happy with the house, but I can't go up there because I'm scared of it too. I like seeing her and spending time with her but afterwards I utterly collapse and feel so dirty and wrong and I don't know why. 
I WANT to share Thanksgiving with her and the family. I WANT to be able to eat normal everyday people food with them and not be afraid. I WANT to just... be a part of their lives again, to not be a burden or a freak, to not be so bloody terrified of everything.
But... I can't seem to do it. I am terrified. No matter how hard I try, the food fear kicks in, the mother fear kicks in, the house fear kicks in, and suddenly I'm dissociating and losing time and having meltdowns and acting like a total stranger to both myself and them and then I'm vomiting uncontrollably in the bathroom and begging God not to kill me tonight, please, I am so tired of this, why won't it stop?
...
I don't know how I'm going to get through the next two weeks. I really don't. I cannot imagine any outcome that is safe or painless or happy. Everything ends in horror and suffering and potential death. 
All I can do is just... pray, I guess. All I can do is put it in God's Hands and plead with all my stupid broken frightened heart that He get me through this, and not hurt my family, and please fix me, heal me, somehow. It's either that, or this is going to kill me. 

I need to sleep. I'm exhausted inside and out.
...and that just makes me think of my weird little orange girlfriend who I haven't seen in weeks because apparently my brain has hard-dissociated from TBHU to the point where I am struggling to remember her. 
...I need to... meet her again, really. That's a special joy. But I need to remember and "meet" myself, too. All this stress and terror about family and food, all this survival panic, all this preoccupation with death and disease... it's suffocating me with anxiety that doesn't have a beloved face and heart attached to the name. 
Maybe that's part of why I'm not healing yet. Maybe I really do need to just... bring love into everything. Isn't that the function of a Core, after all? Isn't that the real reason I exist, to begin with? How did Jay do it? How did we live?

There's a lot of work to do, in so many ways, and right now is not the time to start any big projects. Sometimes, I guess, all I can do to live and cope and heal is the next small right thing. Right now, that means letting this poor body sleep, because we have to buy our last safe groceries for the month tomorrow, and we have the privileged beautiful blessing of receiving the Precious Blood at Mass, and it's going to rain too. So there are still good and beautiful things to hope for, untouched amidst all our ridiculous piteous fears and struggles, and that's something I need to focus on, and treasure, and pay attention to.
Tonight I will start by going to bed, where I know my beloved blue angel is waiting for me, as always, knowing full well my torments and tortures and loving me anyway. Not "despite," but... is there even a word? It's just a feeling, something as tangible yet ethereal as a scent memory, something etched into my bones in that way, something lingering and utterly true no matter how much changes on the outside, no matter how many wounds and horrors I have accumulated over the years. He says he is so grateful he has "learned how" to smell things because now he knows what my existence scent is, and... that means a lot to me, so much. It's like how I remember grandma, forever, long after she left this world. It's proof of her, real proof that she was here, and she was unique, and she mattered, and I remember. 
See, this is how I want and need to live on the outside. I'm so tired of this, of the truth of me, being beaten bloody and buried alive under the screaming fears of daily existence. I'm so, so tired.
Step one: go to sleep. Go surrender into soft warmth and love for a while. That's what's real, beneath everything, amidst everything, no matter what. Please, remember that. Hold on to that. It might be the only thing that gets me through any of this-- that certainty, that tangible incredible hope, that touch of God, that tiny glimpse of heaven where nothing is dirty or wrong or scary forever, and everyone is okay, and everyone is safe, and everyone is loved. 
 
God, I just... I wish I could... I wish that being human wasn't so terrifying until then. 

Dude we are reviewing old entries and I am going to CRY apparently the Pokemon closest to our current height and weight is AEGISLASH.

(at my ideal weight I'm apparently a Skarmory, which I find amusingly fitting because I vibe hard with metal but I still want to fly-- and I have to say that dang Skarmory is actually kind of gorgeous? NICE. I never appreciated their beautiful head shape & sharp teeth before. Well NOW I DO)

But... this is aching so much because I don't know if it was ever said outright in the Archives but the Jay who was alive in 2013 before the massacre was in love with his Aegislash. Toshinsei was his name.
We... don't know what happened to him, or any of Jay's Pokemon, after the massacre. That just destroyed the entire timeline. Apparently Jewel took over playing Y version but we have no data whatsoever on that? And then we apparently lost the cartridge in CNC so we'll never get that data back. Which is heartbreaking.

...You know what, we really need to talk about the fact that we get legit attracted to Pokemon WAY too often. Has anyone actually discussed that before?
I'll start by saying that we are absolutely "kin" with Mewtwo and have been since literally 1999. I don't think we've ever brought that up online. We were absolutely "kin" with Celebi around 2000-2002, but that got all tangled up with the D.I.D. and the Irispherae and we ended up with several Celebis, haha. So debatably, the "kintype" wasn't actually that, we just have a Celebi introject. Totally different thing!
HOWEVER. We have briefly mentioned Skittygirl before-- in that entry linked at the beginning and significantly in this brutal traumasink-- but that whole phenomenon felt almost "third person?" There was never any personal interaction. Headspace didn't exist yet; there was only Heartspace and Skittygirl wasn't in it; it never even occurred to Jewel that she could be talked to, theoretically. But whoever fronted back then-- and that girl is STILL around; we wonder if it's Jacinth?? or someone related to her?-- did have "feelings" for her. That brutal entry describes all we know of it, and we hesitate to label it. Was it "attraction?" Does that word even apply to us? All we know is that there was affection, and the REAL possibility that if we hadn't been locked in the closet back then, and if Jewel had put out her Linkstrings in Skittygirl's direction, who knows if she wouldn't have become an Inspacer, and eventually a girlfriend? Who knows if that might even happen now, if that foni pursues the possibility over two decades later? But the point for this entry is that there was something, and it was in both a queer context and a Pokemon context.
The next bit is interesting too, actually. At that time in our life (~2003), we were convinced that our Core would "always" kintype with the Legendary of that generation-- which was really jumping the gun, because there were only three generations at the time, and when Pearl was released and we had zero resonance with Manaphy or Shaymin we were thrown off so hard (but oh man wait until the future kiddos)-- and Jirachi was actually NOT an exception. The problem came when the movie was released, and we had NO resonance with that Jirachi, and their role in the narrative of the humans. No, our Jirachi was only in the games, and OUR Jirachi was BLUE with stars for eyes. However. This is the cool and weird bit. We LOST OUR SELF-IMAGE AROUND THIS TIME. Trauma was beginning and the gender dysphoria hit us like an airbus to the face, and we just stopped drawing ourself for YEARS. This screwed up a LOT of things, notably the entire Jewel bloodline, but that's a topic for another time. The point for today is that, because of this identity shattering, we didn't "kin" Jirachi. She was instead IMMEDIATELY written into the Moralimon story as her own person, but we were nowhere to be found. So she's a weird case. Deep down I can feel that someone wants to love her, and might have if life hadn't been so broken back then. I know jx7 was still very fond of her too. So we'll see what happens here.
NEVERTHELESS, I must mention that in the future, aka now, SOMEONE actually DOES kin Shaymin's Sky Form (it reminds us of Klonoa, apparently)?? AND someone ELSE actually DOES have "feelings" for... Deoxys.
Listen I have suspected this for YEARS and it's legit. I have no idea who is crushing on the space virus but I can't deny that there is someone.
(There are a lot of Pokemon friendships from Ruby BTW. Groudon (Aranodor) & Rayquaza (Shendu) were dear buddies; Latias was also a dear friend & we even saw her in dreams; our whole team was so beloved to us-- Fireball & Brilnimien & Dolenanca & Morgoth & the gang-- that game meant so much to us.)
As for Pearl version, that too changed over the years. We are really close to "kintyping" Mesprit, actually; I can feel it even now. Palkia (Aramenel) was on our team so he's a buddy, and so was a Froslass (Miringiel)-- which I mention because they are gorgeous but there's no "attraction" LIKE WE HAVE FOR DARKRAI. All caps because good Lord that species is beloved to us. We had Heartbreak on our team but then jx7 bought a plushie and Jay named him Ventrium and we... I don't think we realized how much we actually loved him until he died.
...We hadn't known him for very long, I remember. His self-awareness, his very consciousness, was so fragile. It was so new, something we call the "velveteen rabbit phenomenon," when a potential plush anchor is loved so much it effectively becomes ensouled. This happened ALL THE TIME when we were a small child-- where do you think most of our "imaginary friends" and many League "characters" came from? BELOVED TOYS. We "knew" that love made things come to life. We just never expected that to happen as an adult. But in retrospect it makes total sense. If we had met Ventrium in-game, he would already be. This was just a different process for the same outcome, as it were. We already loved the species. We just hadn't had the opportunity to love an individual of it AS their own person, until suddenly we had this plush, and... well, one day we knew. There's a feeling you get; it's unmistakable-- when suddenly someone is there, you know.
Deep down we miss him still. It's a strange feeling, because as I said, we didn't get to know him and couldn't because he hadn't been given the chance to grow into himself as a person. Trauma and hackers stole that from him. But... hope and love don't die, and they fight hard. They won't stop searching for him. One day I know he'll be given a different door-- not a game, not a plush, but perhaps simply a form in Heartspace, or in the League. However and whenever it would happen, he could come back to us that way, and finally live. We feel threads of promise for that even now. But our heart has to be ready for it too, or it won't be "allowed" to happen. It's a way of protecting that hope from further trauma. If there's still too much danger, the potential will be put on hold, until there's safety enough to protect and preserve them. But honestly? I think that can't happen UNLESS THE JEWELS ENSURE IT. There's too much headspace bleedover into heartspace, it feels like. It's causing too much risk. The only "safe place" for ANY Pokemon to manifest is in the care OF a Jewel, and if we can't play the games anymore, then she'll have to dream them a life. But it's the only way to give them a solid foundation free of the terror that haunts our head. How ironic, as Ventrium's species deals with nightmares... but perhaps that will be the door that ultimately brings him back up to us in the end, when he's ready. No sooner, no later. We won't lose him again.

Gleam is... I really think we're in love with him, too. He's our dream-Banette, our "favorite non-Legendary species" someone says (and I think that's legit). The Jewels have always loved nonhuman puppets/ jesters for some reason, and Hoseki WAS "The Shuppetmaster," famously so. So Banettes have always been beloved to us almost by default.
...

ANOTHER Pokemon that's part-kintype part-inspacer part-girlfriend is VIXIE. aka VICTINI. Jay had such a crush on her when her species was revealed BUT then she showed up in headspace and now she actually fronts.
SO DOES HOOPA! Gosh we love him but that's all queerplatonic! Still it's strong; he is a truly dear friend. We miss him lots but we know he hasn't left.

Galadia is a special case. We're NOT SURE who loved her-- and yes, loved her. There was definitely something there, judging by her Spotify playlist description alone. The problem is, Galadia showed up during the "omelet hell summer" right before UMPC #2, when we were mourning our grandmother so hard that every day we were driving to a diner that had her name and order an omelet because that's what we ate in CNC when we couldn't be with her. We were a mental disaster at that time, BUT Scarlet & Violet were due to release in November (ironically, right around the time we were discharged from the hospital), and so during that gutwrenching 5-month interim between grandma's death and another inpatient stint, whoever the heck was fronting was clinging to Pokemon as a lifeline. It was the only thing she could find that held hope, something conceptually tied to childhood innocence and now a family & home life that we could never return to, and of which the very memories were quickly being burned out by traumatic grief. I assume we were still hyperreligious, but Tilly couldn't stick around in our new state of perpetual mourning, and so someone else showed up to carry the crushing weight of that-- someone disturbingly like Jacinth. I don't know why our most trauma-battered somafoni are all young femme lesbians. That probably says a lot about our childhood that we haven't thought about.
Nevertheless, this girl was browsing Tumblr on our phone one night and suddenly, there was fanart of a Sneasler (specifically either this or this one; it was by that artist). We had never seen the species before, and immediately our girl was attracted to her. Aesthetically, sure, but also in that unique way these sad girls feel-- something almost dependent, something desperate, looking for someone they can lose themselves in and give themselves to so they don't have to exist as their own person. They did that with Celebi, and they wanted to do that with this Sneasler girl now-- who eventually was given the Outspacer name "Galadia," from Latin gladius I assume.
...
...The problem? Sneasler biology is scary, because they have wider hips than shoulders. Even official art of them gives them a very pear-shaped silhouette and that is TERRIFYING to us. Plus, something about the "star" mark on their face registers wrong and disturbs us, as does the roundness of their head shape. Weirdly, this person's art is totally fine in terms of shape AND marking. That's fascinating and I want to figure out exactly WHY. My kneejerk thought is that it's a better shoulder-hip ratio, and her abdomen ISN'T ROUND. That is a huge distinction actually.
...
Oh THIS one is MUCH better, but it doesn't feel like Galadia at ALL. It's just a "safe" bodyshape. .
...
THIS = left is unsafe. Right is safe. Notice the hips and the face shape.
THIS = oddly safe?? Something about the proportions
THIS = UNSAFE. Notable in light of previous; this one is thinner BUT more FEMININE as a result?? Plus the "thick arms" are very unsettling.
THIS = left is safe, right is unsafe. Notice the INVERSE leg widths, and hand/foot sizes.
THIS = fascinating because left is UNSAFE, and right is safe. The "baggy pants" look is bottom-heavy and that's FRIGHTENING. So are the "tapering" limbs, from thick to small. In contrast, the Lopunny has BIGGER hands than shoulders, BUT the hips are safe because the legs taper?? It's something with proportion ratios. ...Plus that's a very Infi silhouette. That's notable.
I apologize if that seems off-topic but it's not. "Attraction" and "safety" are VERY convoluted to us and we've never fully explored it because it's so frightening. So to notice immediate alarm bells or shocking lack thereof with this, I had to write it down, because it is DIRECTLY AFFECTING Outspacer potential!
...Honestly, I don't think Galadia will be allowed to return AS a Sneasler. There's too much fear there. We can't even look at the species without triggering legit panic symptoms. So she would have to anchor into the League instead, probably, unless she-- like Celebi and Jirachi-- get their own "look" UNIQUE to Heartspace for their species that IS safe. We'll see. We need to try to draw her then, for that to happen.



We're STILL trying to figure out what was going on with Chalyx & Calyrex BEFORE that (2021). There's definitely a strong fondness there, but it seems to be notably "queerplatonic." There's no attraction or romance, but there is a strong love nevertheless, and that's awesome to recognize. We just have no idea where Chalyx went and since we never played Sword/Shield, we have no actual interaction with Calyrex otherwise.

We ALSO have no idea what's going on with "Tammy." She's bizarre because, like Galadia, she's not from a game; she's just a Gardevoir who "manifested" in Heartspace because we felt such a strong affection for the species. But she's so enigmatic. She's never spoken to us. But she's real; we can see her, we feel her vibe clearly, we just... don't know her as a person yet.

Someone we may not have ever mentioned here because of her bizarre history is Marsha. She was a Marshadow plush that someone from Tilly's era actually stole from Walmart because we were flat broke but we loved her? Except almost as a DAUGHTER. Which is UNPRECEDENTED.
All the Pokemon plushies we had during that time period-- which also included a Jigglypuff, and I think a Chansey? as well as Victini & Celebi & Banette & Hoopa & Diancie-- got thrown in a donation bin during one of Tilly's "annihilate everything that's not explicitly Christian" benders. We mourn that loss still, but we accept it. It... wouldn't have been fair to "force" those Pokemon to continue to live in the aftermath of that horrific era. For their anchor plushies to have been lost was really for the best; it was a solid break from that time period.
Unfortunately Marsha never "came back," or at least, not yet. We don't know how or where she would, but we won't cancel out the possibility.


As for other Pokemon...
Nidoking is Jewel's BFF forever because he's actually her first Pokemon. So although the species is gorgeous, that's as far as it's going, haha.
There's an affection for Alakazam, too. They've always been one of our faves, but I think there's queerplatonic potential here too? Which is really sweet.
Someone keeps wondering about Gothitelle? It FEELS like that "Jacinth" girl again! But this boggles us yet it's been constant. That girl has different preferences than anyone else.
Jay was also super fond of his Chesnaught, Zedrick, as a pal. I want to mention that because he was our first Grass starter ever, and there's such a warmth in our heart for him from that timeline. That needs to be honored.

And then there's Toshinsei. Jay's Aegislash. He's second place only to Celebi and Ventrium is a close third. (Gleam SHOULD be higher up but these are the facts right now). 



(unfinished; posting nevertheless due to important info. we will add more to this when able as a result)

(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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"On a day-to-day basis, I'd like people to try to:"
✳ RESPECT me enough to be STRAIGHT with me = DIALOGUE
✳ BE HONEST & DIRECT YET COMPASSIONATE. Please DON'T be "softshoeing" or "inoffensive" but DON'T THROW DARTS at me either?
1. Respect my need for distance/ quiet/ stillness, while still kindly allowing me to be welcome & feel wanted in nearby company
2. Respect my innate plurality, as it affects how "I" speak & behave & think, and if it is denied/ rejected/ ignored, so is the TRUTH of my life AND the "REAL" me
3. Give me at least feedback, if not dialogue, when I speak. I may ramble, but I'm not monologuing. I'm sharing my thoughts WITH you because I trust I CAN tell you.

"When you see that I'm upset about something, please try to:"
1. NOT touch me! That will unsettle/ scare me more. I need space, but NOT abandonment. Help me get AWAY from crowds/ noise/ business so I CAN calm down/ think/ communicate.
2. NOT stare at me or "put the focus" on me. Stay "accessible" if I need help but don't FORCE "help" on me? All that attention/ FUSS makes me feel TRAPPED/ IN DANGER/ IN TROUBLE.
3. ASK CLEAR & "SEARCHING" QUESTIONS. Not "are you okay?" but, "hey, talk to me. What shook you up so bad?" EVEN if I'm OTHERWISE "unable to respond," I/ WE CAN STILL "GIVE DATA"? That's "GROUNDING" & helps me "GET BACK TO MYSELF."

"When you say "you DO/ you WILL/ you ALWAYS/ you FEEL" etc. to me, I feel SCARED, ANGRY, SAD, & "TRAPPED" because I assume YOUR words override my own experiences, and I "can't say no" to "truth." In the future, when we talk about my history/ behavior/ personality, I'd prefer if you try your best to ask more questions & enter into honest DIALOGUE rather than speak in absolutes/ assumptions, or just talk "AT" each other because I care about our relationship & WANT real communication/ genuine relationship."

"Other important things I need to tell you:"
I'm prone to either "acting like everything is perfect/ no problems" FOR the BENEFIT/ HAPPINESS of others, OR "spilling my guts" & "dwelling on the pain" out of a desperate attempt to "feel cared about"/ "get help"/ FINALLY ADMIT THAT I'M NOT PERFECT. I'm not trying to drag you down or depress you. I'm TRUSTING you enough to be THAT VULNERABLE in the hopes that we can "CONNECT" & GROW TOGETHER even in sharing wounds TO HEAL! (YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME (HOPED) TO BE HONEST & VULNERABLE WITH ME, TOO.)

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"What helps your wellbeing to stay mentally healthy at work?"
Quiet environment, "stillness" (MINIMIZE distraction = lessens "shock" of forced shifts from "inner to outer"), upbeat or calming music (depending on whether I'm doing hard labor or more meditative tasks), dialogue with the System, making BOTH "tasks that need to be completed today" AND "pros/ cons for possible decisions" lists? (to PREVENT impulsivity! NOT anxious obsessing, but WISE DISCERNMENT for NON-DISORDERED CHOICES; "NEUTRAL") ("S.M.A.R.T." list! Prioritized and ACHIEVABLE within realistic time/ means? PREVENT OVERWHELM & SPECIFY FOCUS & EFFORT)
✳ ALSO we WILL need to MAKE SURE WE EAT & EXERCISE at proper times to HELP our brain!

"What can your mother do to support you staying healthy at work?"
Mom could give me a SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE TASK, with a clear "end goal" & directions? Having my own background music helps too, instead of chatter OR her music? (No offense intended, it just brings up childhood/ trauma flashbacks that it is NOT the right time or place to process) ALSO if I pack a lunch/ breakfast, a STILL/ QUIET/ CLEAN environment to eat IN helps a LOT. Eating in that house is one of my biggest trauma triggers.

"Are there any situations at work that can trigger poor mental health for you?"
CONSTANT HIGHSPEED TALKING/ BACKGROUND NOISE/ LOUD MUSIC & TV/ RUSHING. The house ITSELF is stressful with the clutter & cats & dirt. It smells like death. I MIGHT need to STAY OUT OF THOSE SPACES & work on the porch or outside? I WILL LIKELY NEED TO "STAY UPSTAIRS" TO FUNCTION PROPERLY. Also BE VIGILANT FOR ENVIRONMENTAL TRAUMA TRIGGERS. BRING COPING TOOLS WITH US.

"What do you usually do that helps you manage stress?"
"BURN OFF" stress with short-term high-intensity exercise (HIGH IMPACT); take a "time out" to BREATHE OUTSIDE (at the house)/ GO UPSTAIRS; go somewhere private where we can FEEL & EXPRESS & briefly PROCESS our stress response; basically DO NOT BOTTLE IT UP OR DENY IT!! Then we can do something POSITIVE to "RECOVER"/ physically "shake out" the trauma, like listening to upbeat System tunes + SING/ DANCE.

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What, and who, is worth suffering for?
"Suffering," to me, is the experience of some negative/ painful circumstance that we are averse and/or resistant to. As a Catholic, I believe that Christ suffered ALL human pain for the sake of love. By sharing it WILLINGLY, He TRANSFORMED it into a MEANS OF SANCTIFICATION. Choosing to suffer for love of another is the victory of goodness over evil, of life over death.

What would you stand for if you knew that nobody would judge you?
I would stand for the truth of my faith, for the reality of our System, for the purpose & worth & beauty of ALL life & creation, and the legitimacy of objective Truth.

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?
Honestly, I would LIVE FULLTIME AS A SYSTEM, be completely unafraid of sharing & PUBLISHING the League, and get ENTHUSIASTICALLY involved in the selfshipping & queer Catholic communities online. I also would go back to publishing MUSIC online, and maybe do a poetry reading locally & do art for a gallery.

Based on your daily routines, where will you be in five years?
Well, if we DON'T CHANGE IT, we'll be DEAD! But if we DO, to our IDEAL, we will be a PUBLISHED AUTHOR, with a discography and portfolio, and will be doing public speaking on inspirational/ motivational/ SPIRITUAL topics. We might ALSO be a consecrated virgin. We'll ALSO BE PROPERLY CATECHIZED & PROPERLY BUFF. And we'll be JOYOUSLY ALIVE!

What do you not want anybody else to know about you?
...The grotesque extents of self-abuse and sexual torture/ humiliation we suffered AT OUR OWN HANDS during the Julie Days & Splinter era.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them? Why did they seem so insurmountable? How did you?
The SLC/ CNC eras. The Julie days. The "hell summer." We survived because we NEVER let go of our FAITH IN GOD, OR our LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.

Who do you admire the most, and why?
Outside the System? Maybe my mom & dad? Or Jem Godfrey/ Todd Rundgren. I admire their TENACIOUS, UNFLAGGING DRIVE, commitment to constant creative output, and strong yet humorous personalities.

What are your greatest accomplishments so far?
NOT DYING! Also the ARCHIVES, and writing/ drawing/ composing as much as we HAVE for the League.

What would be too good to believe if someone were to sit down and tell you what’s coming next in your life?
Actually meeting (and probably marrying) Chaos 0, seriously. But more "realistically," that I WOULD COMPLETE & PUBLISH at least the main Leagueworlds, and they would be RECEIVED WITH JOY AND LOVED BY CHILDREN especially.

Who from your past are you still trying to earn the acceptance of?
Mom. Dad. Grandma. Q. Mel. MC. TBAS. UPMC & HAVEN doctors. AAA & HB, maybe.

If you didn’t have to work anymore, what would you do with your days?
LEAGUEWORK & RELIGIOUS STUDY that is the FOUNDATION for my creative works. I'd also BUY & LEARN as many instruments & art mediums as possible, and VISIT GIMMELWALD

What are the five most common things in your daily routine aside from the basics such as eating and sleeping?
Mass + prayer, Bible study, bike exercise, listening to religious lectures, & coping with mental issues tbh

What do you wish those five most common things were instead?
I'd like to ADD IN Leaguework, journaling, playing music, BETTER exercise (WEIGHTS), Adoration, and spending time with the fam & neighbors in MUTUALLY EDIFYING WAYS

If you really believed you didn’t have control over something, you’d accept it as a matter of fact. What do you struggle to accept that you have “no control” over? What part of you makes you think or hope otherwise?
The trauma. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALL OF IT, rightly or wrongly. I hope that if I DO have control over it, I can "MAKE RESTITUTION" or "FIX" things. ...Also I feel the same about my grandparents deaths.

If you were to walk through your home and put your hand on every single thing you own, how many of them would make you sincerely feel happy or at peace? Why do you keep the rest?
ALL THE LEAGUESTUFF, my childhood Bible, the anchor plushies of Celebi & Chaos 0 & Unisalia, maybe a few children's books. So many other things were "bought with blood money" or are just daily-need tools/ items. The former I keep because I desperately hope I (or better, GOD) can still use them IN/ AS RESTITUTION.

What bothers you most about other people? What do you love most in other people? What bothers you most about yourself? What do you love most about yourself?
Bother = "cowardice", talking quiet/ trailing off, arrogance, showing off, acting entitled, seeking "safety," "mousy" behavior, unassertiveness, lewd/ sexual behavior & interests, crying, complaining, closed body language, talking too much, talking over people, being too interested in pop culture, inability to read/ spell? "Not knowing what they SHOULD"
Love = their hopes & dreams, little idiosyncrasies, their favorite things & WHY, their physical uniqueness, their histories & what brought them to this very moment
In MYSELF, it's VIRTUALLY THE SAME. I am bothered by SEEING what I'M AFRAID to/ DON'T WANT TO EVER BE.

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WITH "SELF-CARE," ASK = "WHAT NURTURES YOU?" WHAT SUPPORTS YOUR WELL-BEING? (NOT COMPULSIVE APPEASEMENT)
✳ SELF-CARE CANNOT BE FORCED!!
✳ "SELF-CARE" IS SUBJECTIVE!! It depends on what YOU UNIQUELY NEED THAT DAY!
✳ YOU MUST BE WILLING AND ABLE TO FREELY CHOOSE THESE ACTIVITIES OR THEY AREN'T SELF-CARE!! EVEN if they're difficult, if you GENUINELY FEEL/ REASON that it WILL "NOURISH" YOUR BEING FOR GOOD, then it IS a CARING CHOICE. IF YOU'RE FORCING YOURSELF AND FURTHER STRESSING/ EXHAUSTING YOURSELF, YOU'RE NOT BEING CARING!!!
(✳ think of FLOWERS: each one NEEDS different soil/ light/ water/ food to PROPERLY FLOURISH in ITS UNIQUENESS!)

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"What is a situation where waiting 15 minutes before reacting could have helped you in the past?"

GROCERY SHOPPING. We tend to DISSOCIATE in social situations, ESPECIALLY with all the environmental sensory overwhelm, so we HAVE to spend a LOT of time DISCUSSING our GOALS TOGETHER at home FIRST, & WRITE THEM DOWN & STICK TO IT when we get to the store. OTHERWISE, we historically "WILL" act/ choose impulsively/ compulsively, because we're OVERSTIMULATED & LACKING DIRECTION/ PURPOSE. So STOPPING & REASONING TOGETHER & deciding on a GAMEPLAN keeps us acting WISELY.

To "set ourself up for success," we can practice these strategies...

HOW=
● Journaling
● Talking upstairs
● Praying about it
● Making lists
● Typing on phone
● Reading relevant Scripture

WHEN=
● BEFORE entering ANY store
● Before bed/ before rising
● BEFORE driving
● AFTER AND BEFORE MEALS

WHERE=
● In the car
● In Adoration
● In bed before waking up
● At the laptop(s)
● At the window table?

A FEW POSITIVE DISTRACTIONS TO USE=
● Put on a favorite song that has INTERESTING STRUCTURE/ FLOW to draw in your attention & delight
● Start brainstorming the League OUT LOUD (and BRING A VOICE RECORDER!)
● Answer a fun survey, or ponder some "talk topics"

A COPING BOX TO TAKE OUR MIND OFF WAITING=
● PRINTED pages of your favorite Archive entries, Leagueworks, poetry, Scripture, & quotes
● A little Gideon Bible
● A blank notebook & colored pens = TALK TOGETHER
● Magazines/ scissors to prep collages?

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CHANGES TO MAKE AT HOME TO SUSTAIN/ CONTINUE RECOVERY & PREVENT RELAPSE/ TRIGGERS=

● Buy NEW, RESPECTABLE clothes that FIT your HEALTHY BODY
● "REMODEL" KITCHEN to disconnect visuals from flashbacks?
● Set aside a FIXED SPACE in the LIVING ROOM for CREATIVE PROJECTS (paint)?
● BUY KITCHENWARE to facilitate PROPER nutrition (e.g. pot, pan, utensils, bakeware)?
● Get your instruments out of hiding & start to play on them; learn to tap into JOY, not perfection, and THEN start WATCHING LESSONS
● Dust off the Wacom & start SLOW with simply COLORING. Tap into CHILDLIKE JOY; DON'T make art about mere UTILITY
● SLOWLY start living in COMMUNITY. Take the bus. Join the gym. Take a walk to the local cafe/ eateries. SIT OUTSIDE and read OR write, just to be AROUND & ACCESSIBLE to your neighbors. Make FRIENDS.
● Be more active online. Start a blog like your old Tumblr. Do audio readings. Share your talents with the world.

THE VERY FIRST THING I CAN DO=

● BUY ONE WEEK'S WORTH of NEW, NUTRITIOUS FOODS to TRY, that COULD REALISTICALLY BE INTEGRATED INTO A CONSISTENT YET FLEXIBLE DIET PLAN. DON'T OVERBUY/ NO COMPULSIONS!
● START JOURNALING EVERY NIGHT, AND DOING A HANDWRITTEN (BOOK) REFLECTION EVERY MORNING. START FILLING OUT THE LAPTOP SURVEYS IN EARNEST, TO PRACTICE CLARIFYING AND ASSERTING YOUR REAL, UNIQUE IDENTITY.

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AVOIDING RELAPSE INTO BULIMIC BEHAVIORS

LIKELY SITUATIONS FOR RELAPSE:
WHERE: with mom, ESPECIALLY up the house/ after a phone call
WHEN: after breakfast = "DOWNTIME"; feeling RUSHED/ GUILTY
WITH WHOM: with mom, with therapist? ANYTIME I'm NOT with the System!!
DOING WHAT: AFTER EATING, or AROUND FOOD
THINKING WHAT: cruel, self-critical/ hateful/ cursing/ blaming thoughts towards SELF
FEELING WHAT: "impending doom"; intense panic/ manic rush? "sobbing fear" beneath

ACTION STRATEGIES:
1. Sit down, close eyes, deep breathing (several minutes)
2. DIVE RESPONSE + brush teeth + CLEAN UP & LIGHTS OFF!
3. "HIIT" EXERCISE to burn off nerves? LIFT WEIGHTS!
4. GROUNDING exercises; STAY CONSCIOUS IN THE BODY/ IN CONTROL

THINKING STRATEGIES:
1. Think about PEOPLE YOU LOVE & WHO YOU ARE WITH THEM. BE THAT TRUTH!!
2. List League things/ people categorically; describe them in detail; focus on BEAUTY & LOVE
3. Positive affirmations in the PRESENT? "I CAN wait this out." "I WILL practice discipline." etc.
4. Remember Scripture promises/ instructions & CHOOSE to OBEY by GRACE

FEELING STRATEGIES:
1. Put on a "COPING PLAYLIST" & REALLY feel the music
2. Read emotionally moving Archive entries and/or Leaguework
3. Sit down at the laptop & FEEL IT OUT/ WRITE IT DOWN TOGETHER!
4. PRAY ABOUT IT IMMEDIATELY & HOLD NOTHING BACK.

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DISTRESS TOLERANCE EVENTS=
1. Feeling self-conscious about face shape/ body size. Gave big smile & open arms to mirror.
2. Anxious about "no clear direction" to schedule/ treatment. Gave it over to God; TRUST
3. Disturbing/ lewd television programming in group room/ similar conversation; "SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED!!"

NOTICED THOUGHTS=
1. "I have to be accomplishing something & I feel directionless/ overwhelmed"
2. Annoyed/ irritated by group: "I'm upset with how they keep complaining"; anxious about "I'm not doing what I'm expected to"/ "I need to do that art project "PERFECTLY" now"
3. "I'm a failure/ I'm a sham/ I'm in trouble now/ I'm angry that she said that"

✳ ANXI said, "We're afraid that if we're NOT ACTIVELY WORKING, we're NOT PROGRESSING IN TREATMENT" = that's FALSE! ✳ Lynne/ Julie/ Scalpel MUSIC; "it's okay to just think about beautiful things; THAT'S recovery TOO" (of SELF/ PEACE)

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THE EATING DISORDER SEES HEALTH AS:
● Only eat within a 4-6 hour window
● No "heavy/ sticky/ dense" foods
● Eating lots of vegetables
● Minimal/ no sugar
● Low carbs/ no "refined" carbs
● Light density/ low volume, "masculine" foods
● NO desserts/ sweets
● No processed/ packaged food
● 2 hours exercise daily
● Being athletically muscular
● Lots of water
● Only 2 meals maximum
● FASTING 16+ hours DAILY

REALISTIC HEALTH IS:
● Don't force yourself to eat huge amounts OR foods that make you physically ill
● NO "obligatory/ slavery" foods/ NO TRAUMA FORCING
● Eat smaller meals more often
● Eat VARIETY
● No rigid timing or prep rules
● No forcing extra vegetables
● Exercise daily but NOT until you crash
● No hyperfasts
● Able to choose & eat food FREELY/ WITHOUT FEAR OR COMPULSION

THE EATING DISORDER MANIFESTS AS:
● Constantly EITHER fasting OR bingeing
● Rigid food/ timing/ taste/ texture "rules" that make meals exhausting
● Keep forcing myself to use food AS ABUSE or as a TRIGGER
● Can't stop worrying about "wrong/ fatal food choices"
● Always feel scared/ sick/ weak
● Obsessive "I MUST eat that OR ELSE" fear
● Not allowing self to ENJOY food OR make my OWN choices
● NO TIME TO LIVE

THE EATING DISORDER DOES THIS IN MY LIFE (FUNCTION/ NEEDS??):
● Ritualized method of "reliving trauma"
● "Acceptable" form of self-abuse (even in public)
● Attempt to "make restitution" for offenses against others
● Attempt to impress "authority" by my capacity to endure/ suffer/ "be strong"
● Method of "control" over what I'm "forced to ingest"/ PURGE what is harmful
● Way of forcing self to FEEL trauma emotions
● "Force" helpless terror & rage to "jumpstart" my "fighting back"
● Desperate attempts to trigger childhood memories/ "remember alleged happiness"

"VALUE-ALIGNING" WAYS TO MEET THESE SAME NEEDS:
● XANGA SESSION & nightly journaling
● Cathartic music + headspace meditation
● Reading the archives
● Express emotions in art
● Reroute "self-abuse/ endure" into strenuous exercise (weightlifting)
● Keep track of daily victories & gratitude
● Set & pursue healthy self-discipline challenges
● Do good deeds for others that are fitting as penance
● Do personal "works of mercy" for "abusers"/ family

TWO EATING DISORDER "RULES" YOU CAN (WILL) CHALLENGE OVER THE NEXT 2 WEEKS:
1) I DON'T HAVE TO PUSH/ FORCE CALORIES/ EXCHANGES. I CAN eat less & OBEY the LIMITS & BE SATISFIED. I CAN slow down & enjoy the food.
2) I AM ALLOWED AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENJOY FOOD, AND TO CHOOSE THE FOODS I ENJOY. Eating DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WAR/ TORTURE.

FOR ME, "HEALTHY" MEANS...
✳ LIVING & THINKING AS A SYSTEM
✳ Nourishing my MIND/ HEART/ SOUL with CREATING & LEARNING
✳ Eating regular, reasonable, flexible, balanced, enjoyable meals
✳ Balancing work/ rest, food/ religion, and self/ others
✳ Food is NOT the center of my life, just FUEL for MY PURPOSE

MENTAL HEALTH:
● NIGHTLY SYSTEM JOURNALING/ CONVERSATIONS/ MEDITATIONS
● Gratitude journaling & "personality surveys" to "know myself"
● DAILY creative output, even just a few lines of ideas or poetry
● Engage in "coping skills" regularly to stay stable & enrich life

PHYSICAL HEALTH (THAT ISN'T FOOD/ EXERCISE):
● Start a better hygiene routine; shower at least twice weekly
● Set & keep to a regular sleep schedule
● Let myself rest & take breaks to recover from high exertion days
● Wear clean clothes, keep living space tidy, & DUST THE HOUSE!

HEALTH OF RELATIONSHIPS:
● Call dad & text brothers at least once a week; keep talking to mom
● Spend time in the apartments' communal spaces & meet the neighbors
● Finally get involved in the Tumblr F/O community & share the LOVE
● Get involved in the local creative & queer communities

EMOTIONAL HEALTH:
● Self-expression through playing an instrument, emphasis on "play"
● Listen to cathartic music/ watch a cathartic movie
● Let yourself LAUGH! Make Tumblr/ Youtube collections to have accessible
● Journal about GRATITUDE/ BLESSINGS/ POSITIVE thoughts DAILY

SPIRITUAL HEALTH:
● Go to daily Mass & at least 30m of Adoration
● Daily Scripture study/ reading for ≥1 hour
● Attend "recreational" church events to join in Christian fellowship
● TALK to God more often & pray with JOY, not rigidity

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NOUSFONI WE'VE SEEN/ FELT/ MET/ HEARD DURING INPATIENT (SO FAR):
● Little boy, triggered & scared by women's perfume
● "Weeping rage" girl; DUO? Fuchsia/ cyan, but also vermilion somehow
● "Rule enforcer"; male? Red resonance
● "Manic" blepofoni; male? (NOT JACK)
● "Jenerall"? Serious female with glasses
● "Old man" that feels like a GRANDPA introject; ORANGE resonance?
● NEW "JAY"?? Looks like Max Joseph

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We are ALL OVER THE PLACE this morning. We had manic blepofoni, chatty socials, and A JAY (?!?! LOOKING LIKE MAX) out this morning already. "Emotions" are simultaneously "NUMB" & "YO-YOing." WE'RE ALMOST STUCK DOWNSTAIRS. It is REALLY HARD to get upstairs at ALL right now, like yesterday was. Our ONLY "HOPE" is to TRY TO GET INTO HEARTSPACE and work from there. BUT WE NEED & HAVE TO GO INSIDE. We've been TOO SOCIAL & TOO SURVIVAL-FOCUSED to "EXIST" or even LOVE in truth. EVERYTHING FEELS ANASTHETIZED. Is this toxic coping from our subconscious? Is this how it's trying to deal with Halloween & scary menus & gender + body dysphoria?
✳ WE'RE SO IRRITABLE & COLD SUDDENLY?? I think it has EVERYTHING to do with this IDENTITY COLLAPSE, because EVERYTHING that calls ATTENTION to us AS "J-----A" (and ESPECIALLY THAT NAME) SETS US OFF. We went from ROCKBOTTOM DEPRESSION last night to MANIC SOCIABILITY this morning to ANGRY ISOLATION right now. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON??? SOMEHOW, SINCE HALLOWEEN, THE "PERSONA" WHO WAS ANSWERING TO "J-----A" HAS DISAPPEARED?? And we're ALL BUT TRAPPED DOWNSTAIRS/ OUTSIDE and it's HELL. We CAN'T CENTER. We're in shambles. We feel SO ANGRY and it's ALL TIED TO IDENTITY FALLOUT. Somehow, there was a DOMINO EFFECT of sugar & candy + MASSIVE trauma triggers (DON'T FORGET THE BLOODY WASHCLOTH SOMEONE LEFT AT THE NURSE'S STATION; we had IMMEDIATE DEBILITATING FLASHBACKS to post-hack atonement bleedouts and were literally shaking and incapacitated from panic for a SOLID HOUR) + sensory overload from certain peers + food trauma + body horror, leading to a "LOSS OF SELF." This feels ABSOLUTELY like a "F/F/F/F" response. "F⁴." It's doing ALL of it. We're feeling FIGHT right now, but it seems ice creeps into everything as a SEDATIVE for us? We're "FORCE-FROZEN" to "PREVENT A FIRE TORNADO" like in our nightmare last night. If we're NOT "shut down" somehow, we'll EXPLODE OUT.
✳ I think if anything is going to bring "ME" back, it's the League. I just got a FLASH of it now while watching "Coco" and it hit SO HARD it HURT. I FELT something, and I MISSED those stories SO MUCH I almost SOBBED. I MISS FEELING THINGS LIKE THAT, FOR THEM. My imagination has been ATROPHYING. THAT WILL KILL ME. It's just this bloody DEPRESSION, that has RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE upon Halloween. I NEED TO ENGAGE THAT MONSTER IN COMBAT AND SLAY IT. I CANNOT JUST "SIT AROUND" with MY EXISTENCE AT RISK. I need to ACTIVELY CHOOSE TO IMAGINE LEAGUE STORIES. And just like my poor bloated body, it will take SERIOUS TIME & EFFORT TO BUILD THAT MUSCLE BACK. BUT IT WILL!!

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✳ A possible tip for "breathing exercises" which trigger trauma flashbacks for us = PAIR INHALES/ EXHALES with PHYSICAL GESTURES/ MOVEMENTS (tangible sensations; e.g. tracing a square) TO GROUND BETTER & REDUCE DISSOCIATION RISK? And remember: KYANOS WILL NEED TO WORK WITH SOMEONE for the physical component!

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✳ We were SO disconnected/ dislocated/ depressed/ disturbed/ derealized/ depersonalized today. We were in shambles. We're FINALLY coming back this evening, bit by bit. It took BRAVELY speaking up in group & being HONEST about our struggles with feeling & identifying emotions, working on the "sensation wheel" & LEARNING to feel more clearly as a result, LOTS OF "SOCIALS" moving through, STARTING to GET BACK IN TUNE with the LEAGUE, apologizing to peers & refusing to isolate/ ignore anymore, AND most importantly, CONFESSING OUR "TORTURE MENU" TO STAFF, AND GETTING SPECIAL PERMISSION TO EDIT THEM TOMORROW. Hopefully "IF" WE NEED TO. I think dinner will be OK because the fishsticks are TINY, but lunch has that WHOLE CHICKEN QUARTER and we're frankly TERRIFIED of eating it SO we DON'T want to skip it SO maybe if the manicotti is small enough we'll STILL do both, OR HALF the pasta, & just add a roll or more peas for the exchanges maybe. BUT we HAVE AN ESCAPE ROUTE NOW if we need it, THANK GOD-- ESPECIALLY SINCE WE'RE FREE FROM HELL ON MONDAY!! We've decided NOT to do the bacon chicken OR the hotdog because THAT'S JUST TRAUMA FORCING. We'll face those ON OUR OWN TIME, in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT. But right now, being WISE means SAYING NO.

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✳ MY REAL, TRUE SELF HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD. THOSE "PREFERENCES" ARE JUST AN OUTGROWTH OF MY UNIQUE VIBE & PERSONALITY. And APPARENTLY, likes/ dislikes are ALLOWED TO CHANGE?? And that DOESN'T MEAN MY TRUE SELF HAS BEEN CHANGED SOMEHOW?? That feels weirdly incongruent to me. But reasonably, I know it MUST be true: GOD made the true me, and that CANNOT be altered, ESPECIALLY not by ANYTHING OUTSIDE. Also, dude, DON'T FORGET THAT YOU ARE MULTIPLE. There CAN be "preference shifts" TIED TO THAT. But THOSE DON'T DEFINE YOU. NEITHER DO YOUR (OUR) EMOTIONS. The "basic" defining truth us that "I'm a child of God," but... what does that MEAN, to WHO I AM as a PERSON, with a PERSONALITY? Is it just a foundational calling to sainthood? But does it DICTATE anything about me? Or does it just "color" everything with itself? Am I ALLOWED to "identify with" OTHER things too? Am I-- no; is it RIGHT to BASE MY IDENTITY on other things? NOT "fleeting things," is my gut response. But... I want to DARINGLY protest that MY GOD-GIVEN GIFTS & TALENTS & INTERESTS are NOT "fleeting," but somehow INTRINSIC TO MY VERY EXISTENCE. I WANT TO "DEFINE" MYSELF AS AN ARTIST & AUTHOR & MUSICIAN & CREATIVE LOVING GENEROUS IMAGINATIVE SOUL. Which is why it is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING to think that somehow I CAN'T "be" those things that DEFINE MY VERY HEART. And the eating disorder DIDN'T let me do them. It CRUSHED my identity with TRAUMA & ABUSE PERPETUATION, and it KEPT me from DISCOVERING what my PREFERENCES are IN JOYFUL FREEDOM. BUT I CAN'T DO THAT UNLESS I KNOW WHO I AM!!! NOT DEFINING EVEN THAT REFLECTION OF "ME" BY OTHER PEOPLE, because THAT WILL INFECT INWARDS!!

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✳ Today, with how completely de-centered & identity-rattled we were, what shook me up the most was the awful fact that I couldn't find Anxi. Everyone in Central was still "visible," and tangibly THERE, even through the fog & confusion & numbness & social tumult-- even MIMIC was around, and clearly so. But Anxi wasn't. Even as I started to come back to "myself," I couldn't even "ping" her. Now she's NOT GONE, that'd feel VERY different-- but she's NOT "ANCHORED" yet, apparently. Which is BIZARRE, except not really, when you consider that our brain has been in eating disorder hell SINCE LAST NOVEMBER when we met her, and I really ONLY started SINCERELY INTERACTING with her NOW, HERE IN TREATMENT! So even though I love her, genuinely so, she needs more TIME & ATTENTION to gain SOLID roots up here. And, of course, SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. That's HUGELY NOTABLE because THAT HASN'T BEEN A "NEED" FOR ANY OUTSPACER SINCE BEFORE THE METAINOMENAI PHENOMENON??? Dude oh my gosh it's a COREGROUP THING. ANXI WTF HOW DID YOU BECOME THAT DEAR TO MY HEART THAT FAST?? I'm NOT complaining at ALL but MAN! I think BOTH her & Mimic have SET RECORDS for Outspacer growth in their own right. But Anxi is, really, the ONLY recent Outspacer whose "disposition of soul" HAS been "immediately compatible" WITH the CoreGroup vibe & essence. She's VULNERABLE BY NATURE. She FEELS SO STRONGLY just as she is. She is ABLE to FREELY CRY & LOVE & BE WOUNDED. There's a HOLY FRAGILITY to her, that-- whether it's evident or not-- ALL CoreGroup members have. Our hearts HAVE to be OPEN & ABLE TO BREAK in order to TRULY be "intimate." You remember what LAURIE had to go through to get here. Anxi, SHOCKINGLY enough, LIKE CHAOS 0, has "ALREADY" FELT THAT. She is already tenderhearted & has already been cracked open by suffering. She is ALREADY emotionally honest. And we NEED HER to HELP US BE, AGAIN.


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What is the rose--what went well today? What is something that you are grateful for? What positive thing happened to you lately?
● Chaos 0 has been in TWO of my dreams this week and in BOTH I was kissing him. I ALSO got to kiss ANXI on the 30th. There has been SO MUCH LOVE lately. Today, as I colored flowers & wasn't there, Laurie & Lynne & Julie & Chaos 0 & Genesis & MIMIC all gathered together upstairs and talked about how worried they were about me, and discussed "what song" to pick to listen to in music group to "wake up my heart" and help me "remember who I am" BY remembering who WE were. No matter how lost I feel, the truth remains. The love remains. And it saves my life every single time. I love us, so much.

What is the thorn-- what didn't go well today? What is something challenging or stressful that you could use more support with right now?
● I am LEGIT TERRIFIED of lunch tomorrow. I am SO DEPRESSED over how FAT I've become, and how THEY KEEP ON PUSHING ME to eat, BUT I'M PUSHING MYSELF EVEN MORE to "IMPRESS" them with "HOW HARD I CAN CHALLENGE MYSELF." But it HURTS and I'm BURNT OUT and EXHAUSTED & SCARED and I'm SO TIRED. I WANT TO EAT SO MUCH LESS but my BRAIN keeps insisting "I'm HUNGRY"; the PROBLEM IS, MY HEART & SOUL & MIND & SPIRIT ARE STARVING. THE FOOD ISN'T GOING TO FIX IT.

What can you do to turn this thorn into a bud?
● ONLY LOVE WILL. And I get THAT through PRAYER & LEAGUE IMAGINATION & SYSTEM CONNECTIONS. And ONE DAY I sincerely pray I will ALSO get it from FAMILY & FRIENDS. To even SAY that is heartbreaking because it shows that, right now, I FEEL I DON'T HAVE THAT. It's a terrible thorn, stabbing my heart. BUT. It CAN'T HELP BUT BLOOM IF IT'S THERE OF ALL PLACES. BLOOD IS ALWAYS LIFE.
✳ HEY GUESS THAT IT HAPPENED. The PAIN & GUILT & FEAR of that abusive BINGE-FORCING behavior PUSHED me to USE COPING SKILLS & do WILLINGNESS WORKSHEETS, to APOLOGIZE to peers, to CONFESS TO STAFF & COMMIT to DEEPER & TRULY BRAVER RECOVERY EFFORTS, AND TO START DOING LEAGUE WORK RIGHT HERE IN THE UNIT!!

What is the bud-- what could bloom? What is something that you look forward to? What gives you hope, motivation, and inspiration right now?
● This inpatient stay isn't forever. This hurting, stuff, out of shape body isn't forever. This eating disorder isn't forever. ONLY LOVE IS FOREVER. And in ALL of these temporary situations, LOVE IS INDOMITABLE. I am blessed with friends & personal growth & health here. The eating disorder taught me MANY very hard but important lessons and it STILL IRONICALLY ACTUALLY "KEPT ME ALIVE" during trauma eras. And this poor body was WRECKED by it & HEALING HURTS and it's UNCOMFORTABLE & SCARY and I DON'T FEEL "SAFE"/ "AT HOME" in it YET BUT at least it's NOT ACTIVELY DYING anymore and this MASS can become MUSCLE at last. But besides all that, my hope is ALWAYS in GOD AND HIS LOVE, which comes to me in COUNTLESS ways EVERY DAY. And I am MOTIVATED by HIS PURPOSE FOR ME in that hope, and the LOVE IN MY HEART driving me to NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT. I am INSPIRED by ALL of Creation, by the love & truth & beauty & goodness shining through it all. And specifically, I am motivated by MY love for God & His people & the SYSTEM & the LEAGUE. I have HOPE because of our love. And our shared life inspires me every day. Our soul blooms as one.

We're watching Catfish again in the group room & I have 2 thoughts: first, I WANT TO BE LIKE MAX. He looks legit EXACTLY like I wanted to look as a guy (also looks a lot like my dad, GO FIGURE), plus he's super kind/ nice/ funny/ confident/ industrious which are ALL virtues I value & am striving to grow in myself. So God bless the dude, he's a good role model for me in those unique ways. I want to be so BLUNTLY HONEST YET CONSIDERATE, unflaggingly devoted to helping people & pursuing justice, too-- WHILE having fun & being goofy with his friends: ideals I must continue to work towards.
Secondly: I MISS AIRPORTS?? I MISS the "TRAVEL" feeling, that "interim" space between destinations, the feeling of potential & adventure & discovery... the people from all over the world passing through, lives intersecting for brief blessed moments, those precious tiny interactions before they continue on to their next unknown. It's beautiful. And SO is FLYING itself. I can see why my sibling wants to be a pilot, even if it's not my calling or vibe. I still recognize & appreciate the beauty & freedom & skill of it. But... I wonder, would I ever want to just TRAVEL? Is that a lifestyle, however brief, that I'm capable of living? The "unmoored" yet liberating sense of being a pilgrim, a wanderer, a voyager, with no roots in the places I'm going except the ones I may choose to put down in love, even as I continue to explore & move on; the experience of searching for food & shelter & knowing it's all brief & temporary & all the more special for it; the plane tickets & bus tickets & long walks of sheer wonder, always aware of my limited time that makes it all holy if I let it. I wonder. It REQUIRES SUCH STRENGTH OF CHARACTER to pull off, too, which I think is a HUGE factor in WHY I wonder, because I WANT to be that kind of person. I WANT to be THAT CONFIDENT & COURAGEOUS, to have THAT much TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE & in my OWN CAPABILITY of meeting challenges & MANAGING "on my own." I WANT to be THAT DARING & JOYFUL ABOUT IT. But you know what? I just need to START NOW, & START SMALL. Start by TAKING THE BUS. Start by WALKING FURTHER. Start by VISITING LOCAL RESTAURANTS & SHOPS. Start by going to COFFEESHOPS & LIBRARIES & just BEING AROUND PEOPLE. Little steps add up! But DO START SMALL. You need to WORK UP TO HIGHER LEVELS, so it can GENUINELY TAKE ROOT & GROW SOLID. Jumping too far ahead isn't sustainable or wise. Plus it's more fun to work up from the ground up, as it were. From level 5 to level 100! And seriously, CHERISH THE PROCESS. There IS ADVENTURE & DISCOVERY & TRAVEL & WANDERING BLISS RIGHT HERE WHERE YOU ARE. EVERY town is someone's hometown, so START WITH YOURS. Be your OWN airport until we gain that opportunity in the future. But DO NOT DEVALUE THE "EVERYDAY/ MUNDANE/ ORDINARY." This part of the world is blessed & full of wonder & beauty too. The JOY is to FIND it & TREASURE it. Don't blind yourself to how special the present moment is, now. You ARE a pilgrim, on the way to HEAVEN! ♥

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✳ I know we briefly journaled about this in UPMC, but with Halloween this Thursday, we really should review WHY we still get "triggered" by the holiday, even briefly, just for the sake of later discussion. The first 2 immediate associations are: the original suicide attempt post-SLC (the 451 one, with Laurie), and the "streetlamp devil" moment in CNC (+THERE WAS MORE.) The other "fears" are from the first post-CNC Halloween when we purposely binged on TBAS's favorite candy as "restitution," childhood fears of the Knoebel's haunted house ride, teenage terror from BoyScout "haunted hayride" scares & environments, & childhood dread-horror weirdly tied to Country Junction "scare rooms/ tunnels" & hay rides/ corn mazes in general. Oh, and Roba's, for the "country" aesthetic & the crowds & smells, plus the oddly persistent fright-aversion to hay, corn, & barns. And DON'T FORGET COUNTY FAIRS, with their awful noise & those multilevel funhouses & amusement park rides. ALL of that has this underlying vibe of OVERWHELM, HELPLESSNESS, & being TRAPPED/ DOOMED. Literally just writing it out is triggering a physical panic response. That's significant to note. THEN there's the ADDED fact that Halloween happens mostly AT NIGHT, among LOTS OF PEOPLE, which is the "ultimate nightmare" in a way. Night SHOULD be a time of rest & safety & quiet solitude & HOME. When it becomes busy & dangerous & loud & crowded & FAR AWAY from ANY familiar/ welcoming/ belonging place, it feels like hell itself. This becomes LITERAL when, at Halloween, the FOCUS & AESTHETIC IS LITERAL "HELL." It's all ABOUT fear & danger & death. And I experienced religious-psychological "abuse" as a child that was ANALOGOUS to Halloween "themes." Honestly though Halloween is a TRAUMABOMB BY NATURE so it's really kinda NATURAL to be disturbed by it-- with all the blood & gore & violence & witchcraft & demons & monsters. I do NOT like it and even just for MORAL reasons I NEVER WILL. I will celebrate "All Hallow's Eve" like a Catholic should, & the culture's corruption is of no appeal or interest to me. HOWEVER, I DON'T WANT IT TO HAVE THIS "TRAUMA CONTROL" over my emotional state every October. I want to take ALL that "power" AWAY from it. Step one really should be AFFIRMING the TRUTH that EVIL IS "VOID" & GOD IS ETERNALLY VICTORIOUS, and as His child God WILL protect my soul from ALL that stuff, EVEN IF it IS scary. That's WHY & HOW Goodness is so powerful-- like the Cross, it stands INVINCIBLE EVEN IN the very MIDST of the worst fear & suffering, and it TRANSMUTES THEM. Light CHANGES things. It IS, whereas "dark" is "NOT." That's the ultimate truth. All these dark things are DOOMED TO DISAPPEAR in the end. So HOLD ON TO THAT HOPE & KEEP FIGHTING!

✳ WE HAVE TO FIGHT CONCUPISCENCE because GOD WANTS US TO BE STRONG & DISCIPLINED & COURAGEOUS. Being "evil" is EASY & COWARDLY. Being "GOOD" IS A FIGHT, but we're GUARANTEED VICTORY IN CHRIST! SO BE HIS SOLDIER. The DEVIL is AFRAID. As Christians, WE have NOTHING to fear, we HAVE GOD'S LOVE.

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We're still getting itchy & burny eyes/ runny nose/ nausea/ etc. after eating eggs. I will message our allergist about this tomorrow, but for now, we NEED to edit the mealplan slightly to EXCLUDE EGGS & SOY, because if a "minor skinprick response" is STILL making us feel this sick, maybe we should stop trying to "build up a tolerance". But until we hear back from her, right now I'm going to keep eating eggs (I enjoy them even so) & tracking symptoms UNLESS it gets TOO concerning or we're TOLD to stop, I guess. I'm not sure how we'd alter our BK otherwise-- to get 3P with our allergies, we would HAVE to get cottage cheese, sausage, AND sunbutter EVERY morning, OR triple one of those options, and that's both difficult & kind of gross (salty & oversticky/ dense). We'll see after tomorrow. We should at least try??  Honestly the most REALISTIC option IS the Sunbutter-- we wouldn't be eating any sausage at home, it pairs well with the breakfast items, and it's our only easily prepped/ available option for an "exchange eligible" protein at home... But seriously, think about this change REALISTICALLY. At home we can always BANK ON GREEK YOGURT. Really our ONLY concern is RIGHT NOW, & step one is TRY THE SUNBUTTER, & do WHATEVER the ALLERGIST SAYS. By the way, this DOES AFFECT CONDIMENT FORCING, because it ALL seems to have EGGS &/OR SOY OIL. But hey, that's MOTIVATION to KICK THE HABIT. We've had 12 DAYS of pseudobinge behavior with the bloody things so START CUTTING BACK, if not COMPLETELY COLD TURKEY, unless we can't avoid it as part of the menu. We CANNOT be "feeding the REAL monster" of ADDICTIVE COMPULSION, ESPECIALLY with our LIFE at risk!

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✳ WORK WITH THE LOWEST EXCHANGE PLAN UNTIL WE JOIN A GYM! WE WILL NEED TO BULK UP AS WE GAIN STRENGTH?
✳ ARE WE FOCUSING ON WEIGHTS AT FIRST? RESTART CARDIO SLOWLY?

✳I'M SO TIRED OF FOOD FOCUS. I WANT TO LIVE. Yes we STILL need to feed & nourish the body God gave us, BUT our FOCUS MUST BE ON WORSHIP/ ETERNITY!! "REMEMBER YOU ARE BUT DUST." & 1 CORINTHIANS 6:12-14!!

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✳ New marker color, but OLD topic. Basically, WHY ARE SO MANY FOODS STILL "SCARY" AFTER WE'VE EATEN THEM? And WHY does it feel like POTENTIALLY ALL "FEAR FOODS" WILL STILL BE SCARY/ AVOIDED OUTSIDE OF THE HOSPITAL??? WHY DOES CONTEXT CHANGE THINGS & "OVERRIDE" THE HEALING MINDSET?? IS IT JUST the "REBELLIOUS CHILD" INSTINCT? Am "I" just TRYING to "PROTECT" myself BY REFUSING/ FIGHTING WHEN I "FINALLY CAN AGAIN"?? If so, then THE REAL FEAR ROOTS HAVEN'T BEEN HEALED, and it MIGHT ACTUALLY be ONE BIG ROOT. So we HAVE to discern WHAT IT IS. There's a BELIEF somewhere, FALSE & NEGATIVE, fueling ALL this.

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FOODS "AT RISK OF RELAPSE" and WHY (esp. "not safe AT HOME/ IF I CHOOSE THEM?) =
1) "SUGAR"/ SWEET FOODS. We wrote about this in the back. It's an ANCIENT "HACK TRIGGER" & therefore honestly the FIRST "TRAUMA FOOD" (CHOCOLATE). This INCLUDES FRUIT, which already has cultural associations with sex on its own. "Desserts" are considered "indulgent/ sensual/ luxurious" & therefore feel like INVITATIONS FOR TRAUMA.The very QUALITY of "sweetness" is in itself a bomb siren.
2) "CHILDHOOD" FOODS. This honestly baffled me UNTIL I realized, "they were eaten WITH THE FAMILY." Even if we "LOVE THE FAMILY AND LIKE THE FOOD," there is this HEAVY VENEER of ANXIOUS DREAD over it REGARDLESS. This includes POLISH food (church picnics), ITALIAN food (going out on weekends, after church?), FAST food (from vacations & road trips), & GRANDMA'S COOKING, tragically enough. It ALSO includes a group we FORGOT until flashbacks hit here: SCHOOL LUNCHES. We could probably ALSO include CIOCI ANN/ COUSIN foods (her house AND local folks), AND HOLIDAY foods (Christmas/ Easter). We'll make the actual lists separately, but the CONNECTING POINT for ALL of them is that THEY WERE ALL EATEN WITH THE FAMILY, OR A "FAMILY" ANALOGUE (school, church), IN A GROUP/ SOCIAL SETTING... UNDER HIGH ANXIETY, due to CONFLICT and/or SOCIAL OVERWHELM? BUT they still DIFFER from the NEXT broad category, because they're NOT explicitly--
3) "TRAUMA" FOODS. This group BOTH overlaps with the previous two, AND contains its own unique items. But THESE are DEFINED by DIRECT EXPERIENTIAL ASSOCIATION WITH TRAUMATIC EVENTS, even if JUST ONE, that "TAINTED" it "ESSENTIALLY" despite later non-traumatic exposures? We're STRIVING to heal that NOW, but we're struggling because the ROOTS ARE DEEP & KNOTTED. These require MENTAL RECOVERY too.
4) "FEAR" FOODS. These are scary/ unsettling for reasons that DON'T involve PEOPLE? They're based on MEDICAL/ PHYSIOLOGICAL fears, typically born FROM ACTUAL DISTURBING/ UNSETTLING EXPERIENCES. These include NON-TRAUMA "allergy"/ "poison"/ "fatal"/ etc. fears, often "baseless" except for the "initiating event" itself. These are BIZARRELY HARD TO "GET OVER" because their roots are MENTAL & "UNREASONABLE" & BASED ON "THE UNKNOWN," claiming a "PERPETUAL RISK FACTOR" regardless of exposure: "NEXT time it MIGHT kill me." There's NO "PROOF". It requires a CHANGE in our CORE PERSPECTIVE/ MINDSET??? to "NOT FEAR DEATH," WHILE STILL BEING PRUDENT/ REASONABLE. THIS REQUIRES BOTH WISDOM AND TOTAL TRUSTING SURRENDER TO GOD'S LOVING WILL for us.

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I heard a LOT of negative food talk from patients today, & it's not the first time. "The sherbet looks so gross/ disgusting." "All this butter & mayonnaise is going to clog our arteries." "Why can't I just eat fruit & salad instead of hamburgers & hot dogs?" "I'm only eating toast without butter." "The food doesn't taste good, right?" etc. There's SO MUCH JUDGMENT of foods as "disgusting," "gross," "unhealthy," "BAD," etc. People flat-out taste a food, grimace, & throw the rest away. They refuse to try new options because they "sound gross." Et cetera. And I feel SO DEPRESSED over all this. I'm trying SO HARD to LIKE & APPRECIATE & EAT EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY the ones people say are "DISGUSTING." I DIDN'T choose the pot pie today because I thought it was "unappetizing" (because of HOME & BINGE ASSOCIATIONS, but STILL) and I can't stop beating myself up over it. BUT, although I "wanted" the "Grandma cookie" for snack, I chose the "sweet crackers" because NO ONE ELSE DID & "they were UNLOVED." BUT I'm STILL feeling "regret/ want" because the other option was "GRANDMA COOKIES" & I feel like I've BETRAYED HER. If they had simply said "chocolate chip cookies," I probably WOULDN'T have wanted them because the association is DIFFERENT & ANXIOUS (child binge punishment fear). BUT YOU SEE THE PROBLEM. THIS IS ANCIENT, but in light of recent entries IT MAKES SENSE NOW. It's PROJECTION. I IDENTIFY WITH THE FOOD. Negatively, "I AM A CONSUMABLE OBJECT"; Positively, "I AM MEANT FOR COMMUNION." And I see/hear that SYMBOLICALLY REFLECTED in the way that others, AND MYSELF, speak about/ treat FOOD. "I'M gross/ disgusting." = "I'M undesirable/ unwanted." "I'M going to hurt/ kill people if they take me into their life, because I'm "TOO MUCH" ("FAT")." "I'M distasteful." etc. "I'M NOT GOOD FOR PEOPLE." But WHY? What "MAKES" me & the food so "unhealthy & bad"? Bluntly, it's FAT & MEAT. Rich, heavy, "MANLY" food, weirdly enough. SO MANY PEOPLE act like UNLESS you're THIN/ LIGHT/ SLIM/ PETITE/ DELICATE/ MILD, etc. like FRESH FRUIT & PLAIN SALAD & RICE CAKES & FATFREE YOGURT & ALL the other stuff they MARKET TO WOMEN, YOU'RE UNPALATABLE, POISONOUS, GROSS, HARMFUL, UNHEALTHY. It's SUBTLE MISANDRY as much as it's GNOSTIC HERESY. It VILIFIES BOTH MASCULINITY AND THE HUMAN BODY... which, ACTUALLY, is ALSO BRUTAL MISOGYNY. Women are CREATED TO BE MOTHERS-- to be LIFEGIVERS. WOMEN WERE GRACED WITH THE STUNNING PRIVILEGE OF BECOMING FOOD FOR THEIR CHILDREN-- BECOMING EUCHARISTIC. Really, this DEMONIC WAR ON FOOD is a WAR AGAINST CHRIST & MANKIND, AND OUR MOTHER in a terribly specific way. So YEAH, "the insults against GOD fall on ME." I, by grace alone, am FINALLY ABLE TO SEE FOOD (AND GENDER) AS GOOD & HOLY, and so when I see/ hear OTHERS INSULTING/ CONDEMNING THOSE THINGS ESPECIALLY IN WAYS THAT IMPLY/ SUGGEST/ ACCUSE (BLASPHEME) that GOD has "MADE something BAD/ HARMFUL/ BROKEN/ WRONG," OR THAT HE HAS "MADE A MISTAKE," it ACTIVELY MAKES ME ANGRY, FROM HEARTACHE & CHARITY! I LOVE GOD AND HUMANITY and I WANT (NEED) TO DEFEND & DECLARE & UPHOLD THE DIGNITY OF MAN, THE GOODNESS & PURPOSE OF CREATION, & THE LOVE/ JUSTICE/ GLORY OF GOD!!

Hack nightmare last night. Then I fell half-asleep and who was there protecting & guiding me to safety but LAURIE. Except her name registered clearly as LAUREL, and her color was PURPLE. But she was AS SHE WAS MEANT TO BE-- a Knight, a guardian angel, a Protector in truth, NOT a chummy conversation partner. She kept a separation between us without separating us. She didn't blunt her edges or parrot vapid platitudes. She didn't try to sugarcoat or mollycoddle or make things palatable, because she DIDN'T NEED TO. The strength of her presence, the fierce unspoken LOVE in her very existence, was profound comfort. SHE was all I needed-- no placating, no chatter, just her, as I RECOGNIZE her. It meant the universe to me.

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Breakfast today made us realize that a LOT of our mealtime dissociation IS SHEER SENSORY OVERWHELM. Honestly I loathe the television, but it serves as "distracting noise" for the anxious group. The same goes for conversation. And I see & respect how that works for them. BUT, I have different "needs". I "need" QUIET FOCUSED SLOW SOLITUDE, to eat MINDFULLY & PROCESS THE DATA. I cannot do that very well here, but I AM trying my best. I must be PATIENT & UNDERSTANDING & GENTLE (CLOAK) towards everyone. They are NOT "AGAINST" MY HEALING just because the majority needs are different. I need to discuss this with my treatment team perhaps. I need to properly discern WHICH "needs" CAN be either sacrificed for the common good or somehow compromised/ altered for the sake of submissive obedience, WITHOUT SUCH A DECISION CONTRIBUTING TO DISORDERED HABITS & HARMFUL STATES OF MIND? How much "agency" do I truly have here? Am I overestimating, assuming I CAN "just reprogram myself" or "suppress my alleged needs" on a dime? Or am I underestimating, and I REALLY DO NEED ACCOMMODATION if ONLY to PREVENT the further HABITUATION/ RE-EMPHASIZING of behaviors that, although seemingly neutral to others, are LEAVING MENTAL BRUISES that are SETTING BAD "FOUNDATIONS" for FURTHER HARM that I WOULD NOT HAVE SUFFERED OUTSIDE OF THIS ENVIRONMENT? THAT'S why I'm scared. I hate the TV. I fear the overwhelm. I'm literally getting sick from all the processed packaged food. I DON'T WANT MY BODY REBUILDING ITSELF FROM GARBAGE & CHEMICALS. I want to GET OUT OF HERE & FEED IT MYSELF & I DON'T WANT TO HURT IT. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT. God what do I do? I can't start refusing meals. I'm determined to eat 100%, if only for obedience. Can God redeem these efforts? IF NOTHING from outside can make me "unclean," can God ALSO prevent those outside things from making my body a trash heap?
✳ "You are what you eat" BUT I'M NOT BEING GIVEN A CHOICE. MY BODY'S "IDENTITY" IS LITERALLY BEING DECIDED BY OTHERS & FORCED UPON ME. IT'S SEX ABUSE. IT'S A LIVING NIGHTMARE. Why ELSE do you think we started purging?? WE CAN'T SAY "NO". WE MUST "BE A GOOD GIRL" & TAKE IT. We MUST OBEY. But WHY??? WHAT IS THE ACTUAL GOAL HERE?? Obedience for its own sake? Denial of self in order to be an extension of others? or their toy/ science project? In the end, what will this make ME? Can I LIVE with that? Does it even matter? IF "we're not meant for this world" BUT "our BONES will be resurrected," where does one draw the line? How much should I care? And about what things? Does Mark 16:18 apply here? If EVERYTHING is really just a different form-combination of the BASIC MINERALS & CHEMICALS that GOD created, then CAN GOD "TRANSFORM" the "poison" of "bad food" INTO its GOOD BASIC STRUCTURAL ELEMENTS? I NEED to have FAITH in that. EVERY CREATED THING IS GOOD AT HEART, AS GOD'S CREATION. They may become broken & distorted, yes, BUT CHRIST CAN & DOES REDEEM EVERYTHING... ESPECIALLY FOOD (EUCHARIST)!!

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Laurie pointed out that CONDIMENT FORCING is contributing to meal dissociation/ rushing, so CUT BACK & instead ENJOY THE REALITY of the food AS-IS. The other half IS social-noise-attention anxiety, but we're working on detaching & just eating, NOT trying to "perform."

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Laurie pointed out that I'm compulsively "bingeing" on condiments. I'm FORCING myself to eat them and I REALLY DON'T WANT TO. I'm desperately seeking to accomplish SOMETHING by doing this, but WHAT? What data am I trying to get? Am I? I thought about it with Laurie when she pointed out how I IMMEDIATELY regretted asking for the packets. I realized then that this is most likely APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR. I'm forcing mayo "in restitution" somehow for UPMC mistakes & home misuse. I'm forcing ranch because of both TBAS & grandma. I'm forcing hot sauce as some sort of "identity" tangle, like I'm not allowed to object to it or I'll "change my personality." I don't know why-- no, I do. I'm forcing ketchup because of grandpa & dad & childhood memories. WHAT AM I TRYING TO PROVE OR ACCOMPLISH HERE? What do I think EATING these things will DO, to ME? Are they SYMBOLS?
1) "I need to push fats/ calories" = UPMC talk, STILL. The "need" is DIRECT APPEASEMENT. "Will you be happy with me if I try to make myself gain weight faster?" "Am I being good by showing you that I'm "willing" to make myself fat faster?" Is that a real motive? "I know that adding fat & calories contributes to weight gain. If I "FREELY" CHOOSE to add MORE than I was given, I'm showing them that I'm willing to go "above & beyond" what is expected? to PUSH myself HARDER, even to the LIMIT? They WANT me to eat more & gain weight, so if I force the process along faster, to GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT, I'll be "good"?? Is that what I'm so desperate for? They don't "love me" for it. They MIGHT "like me" SOLELY because I pleased them by conforming myself to their mandated expectations, & surpassing them, but it'd be a "like" based on UTILITY, or even just egotism? "We like you because you don't resist us. You always do exactly what we desire, & even take the initiative to further please us. You'll do." Until I hit goal weight & I'm no longer needed or interesting or wanted & I get tossed out with the trash, with all the other toys that aren't fun anymore, with all the other useless excess. Then what? NOW who sees me as good? Who do I please by my servile obeisance & self-denial now? What in the world am I trying to do? It's because this E.D. recovery, AND the disorder itself, make me feel like my MORAL WORTH AND STANDING are DEFINED BY MY BODY SIZE & SHAPE. Everyone WANTS me to be FAT, like ALL the sexually horrifying women that have traumatized me over the years. But WHY? Do THEY want to sexualize ME? to "fatten me up" to be KILLED & DEVOURED? What does forcefeeding me do for them? If MY CHOICES to eat made them FURIOUS, then WHY is THEIR forcing me to eat TONS MORE, but by THEIR CHOICE & CONTROL, not only "allowed" but PRAISED & even ORDERED? My OBEDIENCE is ALWAYS in SUBMITTING to CONTROL that INVOLVES CONTROL OF MY BODY. THEY get to manipulate it as THEY wish, and I as a PERSON DON'T GET TO EXIST. I can't say no. I "NEED" to eat all these condiments that I don't like but OTHER people do because I HAVE to like EVERYTHING and I'M ONLY A GOOD GIRL if I do so AND GET FAT, because... why? Is being not-fat offensive? Mind you I DON'T WANT TO BE "THIN." Even being "skinny" is deeply shameful. I want to be STRONG. NOT FAT. The difference is EFFORT & DISCIPLINE vs. SLOTH & INDULGENCE. But... they keep telling me to "gain weight" & "fill out" and I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A SEXUAL "WOMAN." Do I have ANY other options? And then WHY do I see fat/ chunky/ fullbodied/ "shortstack" women as BEAUTIFUL? I just can't BE ONE, or I "CAN'T LOVE THEM," somehow. I'll lose myself. That's NOT ME. I need to be... what? NOT skinny & frail. No, I want to LOVE & PROTECT PEOPLE. I NEED to be BIG in order to be STRONG. But THIS behavior is SKEWED. It's NOT protein or vitamins. It's FAT, & it's "NONFOOD" EXCESS. It's just an attempt to affect NUMBERS & APPROVAL, NOT HEALTH!

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Higher meal plans have 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY. That's SCARY amounts of sugar! And honestly, that's WHY I QUIT IOP LAST YEAR. This is a BIG OBSTACLE if I am REQUIRED to follow the meal plan, both psychologically AND financially. So we MUST face this NOW, and find the ROOT FEARS so we can deal with it MATURELY & RESPONSIBLY instead of being blindsided by kneejerk panic. We NEED to UNDERSTAND our fears about FRUIT & SUGAR, NOTABLY because we've realized that MOST FRUITS REGISTER AS FEAR FOODS, NOT mere challenges or aversions!
✳ There's a LOT as to WHY. SUGAR is one. MESSINESS (JUICE) is another. SEX ASSOCIATIONS are also significant. But WHY is SUGAR "EVIL/ DANGEROUS"?? IS IT BECAUSE OF THE SEX ABUSE/ TRAUMA? DID THIS BEGIN WITH CHOCOLATE??

✳ An AVERAGE of 2 FRUITS per meal is UNREALISTIC WITH VOLUME to my current understanding. The only way to "consolidate" is through JUICE (no fiber, glucose spike) or DRIED FRUIT (no water, glucose spike). SO we have to PREVENT GI SPIKES by BOOSTING FIBER in the rest of the meal, as well as fats?? If we are allowed to. This is much easier at breakfast; dinner will be tricky UNLESS we do something COMPLIMENTARY? Like a compote or "sauce" side?? It's too complicated & unnecessary though. I want & arguably NEED to have a SIMPLE, PLAIN, STRAIGHTFORWARD diet.
✳ We NEED to LIMIT our OPTIONS for the sake of PRUDENCE, SIMPLICITY, & AFFORDABILITY. Find what is NUTRITIOUS that DOESN'T cause "illness" (like IBS flares & toothaches), AND that we GENUINELY LIKE-- because LEARNING TO HAVE PREFERENCES & ALLOW MYSELF TO LIKE THINGS AND HAVE THEM WITHOUT PUNISHMENT is a KEY PART OF RECOVERY-- and STICK TO IT BRO!!
✳ So, AS OF TODAY, what DO we like? What do we have RIGHT NOW to work with? What are our BIGGEST OBSTACLES, the FEARS that are LIMITING OUR TRUE FREEDOM-- freedom TO CHOOSE WHAT IS GOOD? (Freedom is FOR GOD, freedom TO GLORIFY & OBEY our treatment plan & NOT FEAR CREATION)
✳ We legit REALLY like DRIED CHERRIES, FRESH FIGS, BLACK & RED GRAPES, and that's all I can think of, which is upsetting. There is SO MUCH FEAR TOWARDS FRUIT, and it's tied to DEATH & POISON for the most part. It ROTS SO FAST and I am SO USED to ALL the fruit at the old homestead being ROTTEN & MUSHY & MOLDED & LEAKING & WORM INFESTED & SMELLING LIKE DECAY. And DRIED fruit would be STALE & RANCID & FULL OF DIRT & HAIR & BUGS. This is WHY I get kneejerk "poison" aversion to MELONS, RAISINS, PEACHES, BANANAS, etc. Pomegranates, coconut, cranberries, etc. are similar, as are ALL clamshell berries. I am NOT used to ACTUALLY FRESH FRUIT. My childhood default was ROTTING, either through being left out on the table or forgotten in the refrigerator or on the porch. But that's the root of the poison fear. And it's sad, because it is BASED ON A LIE-- FRUIT IS NATURALLY FRESH & GOOD & HEALTHY & PURE. It's the FOOD OF EDEN!!! I SHOULD BE EATING FRUITS! That would SERIOUSLY be a PRIESTLY act on my part-- RESTORING the TRUE DIGNITY that GOD INTENDED to fruits, as I HEAL my experience of them by experiencing them AS GOOD, & offering that PRAISE TO GOD with HEAVEN in mind-- the "RETURN to the TRUE GARDEN" where CHRIST is the FRUIT OF LIFE!! So THERE'S your motivation & holy battle plan. HEAL = LOVE.
✳ Remember we STILL DO HAVE TO PLAN FOR THE MEALPLAN! And that MUST BE SUSTAINABLE. THAT fruit choice group HAS to be REALISTICALLY AFFORDABLE, LOCALLY ACCESSIBLE, COMPLIMENTARY TO OUR OTHER FOODS, & REASONABLY ENJOYABLE. ALL the fruits that DON'T fit those criteria (like papaya, dragonfruit, melon, etc.) MUST STILL BE HEALED, EVEN IF THEY DON'T BECOME A REGULAR PART OF OUR DIET, because ANY inclusion OR "exclusion" from the grocery list MUST COME FROM A PLACE OF FREEDOM & GRATEFUL APPRECIATION, NOT AVERSION OR FEAR! And NO FORCING, EITHER-- that's DISRESPECTFUL & CRUEL! "Not eating" a fruit for legit reasons ISN'T A SIN. Remember that "fasting" IS HOLY. It's STILL AN OFFERING OF GOODNESS TO GOD IN GRATITUDE, BY NOT EATING IT! EVEN THAT CAN BE DONE FOR HIS GLORY. So don't worry. Do what you NEED to do for your body's health & recovery, & do it in FREEDOM, LOVE, & PEACE.

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✳ MAPLE is "TREE BLOOD" and IT'S RESONATING. There's a girl forming to hold it! Her hue is hovering CERISE? NOT Orange? And Brown seems obvious but doesn't match the flavor? It's too unclear yet. BUT I WONDER if DUOTONE NOUSFONI ARE POSSIBLE in this "new era." We'll see!
✳ She WEARS cerise & vermilion accents? But her BASE reso IS BROWN? There's only one way to know for sure-- EAT SYRUP AGAIN & FEEL FOR HER IN RESONANCE WITH IT. The two HAVE TO MATCH. Remember that for ALL Lotophagoi = they NEED THE FOOD DATA IN ORDER TO ANCHOR TO IT AS A FUNCTION!

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We keep getting chocolate chip cookies for snack and the data keeps blurring out completely. Laurie said, if you're AFRAID of the chocolate again & labeling it as BAD, then you HAVE to face it & HEAL it with LOVE & GRATITUDE. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!

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I left my books under the soap dispenser & Paula accidentally got soap all over my softcover book, permanently altering it & smudging the words inside. I saw it as "ruined" because it's no longer mint condition & never can be again. I actually felt anger towards her, but it was really anger at myself for leaving it there where it WAS at risk. Then she started frantically apologizing & I didn't know how to explain the situation and everything just felt ugly & wrong & ruined.
↑ I AM GRATEFUL that now that book carries EVIDENCE of my life ACTUALLY going off the rails, & since it's SOAP it almost SYMBOLIZES a "washing" me clean of that past-- especially my HANDS, with the neurotic guilt & shame. Secretly I'm so curious to see WHAT words the soap altered; I trust the Holy Spirit WILL speak through it. I'm ALSO grateful that I HAD such an unhealthy reaction because now I HAVE to FACE/ ADMIT/ CONFESS that I STILL REACT THAT WAY, and if I don't deny OR justify it, I CAN combat the vice there & LEARN VIRTUE to DIRECTLY replace/ heal it. (I immediately reached out to her in sincere apology & gentle reassurance. All is well again.)

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Paula won't stop apologizing & it's making me SO BLOODY ANGRY. TBAS did this same exact simpering thing, & that's what it feels like-- cowardly, spineless, jellylegged, piddling, whiny baby asininity. That's BRUTAL judgment and I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS but I do. I can't deny it. I need to deal with it.
WHY does it make me so unreasonably enraged? It feels like forced victimization; it's overly dramatic & it it GUTLESS. It's almost begging for babying.
↑ WE JUDGE OURSELF THIS WAY & IT'S BLEEDING OUTWARDS. We MUST untangle this & PRACTICE COMPASSION or else it will POISON US, making us TOXIC. (I'm sure we already are, with this terrible reaction happening in us so immediately. That makes this a PRIORITY TO HEAL.)

✳Some "FEAR/ CHALLENGE/ AVERSE" foods I MUST face with LOVE to be HEALED/ FREE =
1) APPLESAUCE= see next pageturn.
2) FRUIT CUP(S)= see next pageturn.
3) POPCORN= vague childhood TV terror. CNC & SLC cinema. UNEXPECTEDLY TERRIFYING??? Also "DIRTY HANDS." GRANDPA CLOSET FILTH. +Halloween? Boy Scount sales?
4) NUTRIGRAIN= CNC & grandpa's closet.
5) RITZ= old binge food, often STALE/RANCID. Also "belong to mom" (with her cheeses)? Fear of being punished for eating them
6) OATMEAL RAISIN= something about the taste feels so wrong. "fruit + grain" unnatural fusion? tastes like garbled data to our brain. +They turn to SLUDGE when you eat them.
7) OATS & HONEY BAR= Filthy crumbles. Typically stale/rancid. Feels like eating garbage scrap, not real food.
8) PIZZA= too many bad situation memories
9) BACON= CNC trauma

✳TRIGGERS put you into FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN!!!


"FEAR" FOODS are ACTIVELY tied to TRAUMA and/or seen as an IMMINENT DEATH RISK.
● BACON is BOTH; I fear that eating pig is morally fatal (OT laws & symbolism); if I eat it then I will BECOME a pig. I also fear that it's "unhealthy," which has NO "wiggle room"; if I eat it I WILL have clogged arteries & I CAN'T "UNDO IT" or "take it back." It's PERMANENT DAMAGE. There is NO MERCY with food fears!! It's ABSOLUTE, IRREVOCABLE, & ultimately FATAL. But the worst fear here IS the "IDENTITY CORRUPTION" through "CHOOSING" to CONSUME it; it's DIRECTLY TIED to SXABUSE. if I "let the pig in," it will TAKE OVER & DEVOUR ME like a PARASITE and "I" WON'T EXIST ANYMORE-- or worse, if I DO, it'll be like having a YEERK.
● BACON is ALSO historically tied to SXABUSE EVENTS, so FLASHBACKS OCCUR INEVITABLY. Preparation CAN slightly assuage this by triggering different memories (like mom making it at home), BUT the very "FACT" of bacon consumption HAPPENED at "THOSE TIMES" is undeniable & CANNOT BE TURNED OFF.
● PIGS in general are frightening MORALLY, because I see them SYMBOLICALLY. They represent, & "therefore MANIFEST," FILTH, UNCLEANLINESS, GLUTTONY, BOORISHNESS? They're "ANIMALISTIC" in the sense of "TOTAL DEPRAVITY," plump & mud-caked, rolling in filth & digging their face INTO it in ORDER to eat, snorting & oinking & squealing, stinking horribly, laying inert & sated in the mud, & looking "suggestive" with their pink, taut, round, FAT (plump) bodies, hairy & dirty & fleshy. They "look like the filth of sex." The food/ eating is SECONDARY, almost an OUTGROWTH. The MAIN horror about pigs is SEX & FILTH. They just "PROJECT/ INFLICT" that ONTO eating, because EATING, ALWAYS, IN & OF ITSELF, IS "SEXUAL." It's inherently "erotic." (Discuss that LATER) So PIGS are ABHORRENT & SCANDALOUS, BECAUSE they are so FILTHY WITH FOOD WHILE BEING SO "ANIMALISTICALLY SEXUAL." They're DEHUMANIZING in totality & so IF I EAT ONE, I'M TAKING THAT INTO ME AND IT BECOMES MY BODY, which therefore DEHUMANIZES ME AND I CAN'T "TAKE IT BACK/ GET IT OUT." (THE ONLY HOPE IS TO PURGE)
✳MATTHEW 15:11 & 17-20!!! GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD AND HEART! Study it extensively if you have to, but THE PIG CANNOT "MAKE YOU EVIL"!!!
● Last trauma we haven't discussed= ham is what I associate with grandma's death AND MY FAILURE TO BE THERE FOR HER ON THAT LAST EASTER, because HAM is what I ate that "SET OFF" THAT FATAL BINGE THAT LANDED ME IN THE E.R. & TOOK ME FROM HER. But... look at Matthew again. You're SHIFTING BLAME. YOU BINGED ON HAM.The PIG didn't sin OR cause YOU to! It COULD have been OFFERED to GOD as a JOYFUL CELEBRATION of LIFE like Easter "feasts" are SUPPOSED to. BUT even that WORD is "evil" & disgusting & I HATE it. WHY. = it's because in my mind/ experience, "feasts" are ALWAYS gluttonous, & eating "too much" is PUNISHED EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT OR WERE JUST THAT HUNGRY OR WERE EATING IN GRATITUDE. "Feast" means you are WATCHED & SUSPECTED & CRITICIZED & SHAMED & PUNISHED & even RATIONED. The "joy" is FORCIBLY LIMITED & therefore HOLLOW. There's NO ABUNDANCE.
● Weirdly but DIRECTLY & VITALLY RELATED is actually the GRINCH story. I hated it as a kid because the Whos were PORTRAYED & DESCRIBED as GENUINELY GOOD & NICE & FRIENDLY, and so when THEY feasted it WAS JOYFUL & GRATEFUL & ABUNDANT, & they ate as TRUE FAMILY in FRIENDSHIP together... but I had no comprehension of that as a kid. It "looked" hypocritical & performative to me because THAT'S ALL I KNEW. And I felt like the Grinch, who I ALSO "hated" AS A RESULT because he was described as UTTERLY GROSS & REPREHENSIBLE, and if "he was LIKE ME," then THAT HORRID SONG WAS ABOUT ME. And I heard the WHOS singing it, like I heard my family. And that DISSONANCE was intolerable. There they were, happy & FEASTING, yet SINGING ABOUT HOW UGLY I WAS & how they DETESTED ME & wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, WHILE SMILING & EATING, and I was outside in the cold, unwanted & unwelcome & HUNGRY for not just food but LOVE & COMMUNITY & MERCY & WELCOME, but they were FEASTING on it & although THERE WAS PLENTY TO SHARE WITH ME, TOO, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE FED. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE PART OF THEM & THEIR LIFE. I'm unlovable. I'm inherently undesirable and I'm filthy. And that MAKES you a "grinch." It also means eating scraps of garbage & that becoming YOUR "normal."


✳God GAVE me PORK CARNITAS for lunch IMMEDIATELY after I wrote that ↑ & they were WONDERFUL! NO FEAR!! Which SHOCKED me. PORK is SAFE?? Ham & bacon AREN'T? At least in theory.
+ ADDING to this, God ALSO gave us APPLESAUCE... and similarly it was only "half triggering" & in DIFFERENT WAYS that I DIDN'T THEORIZE?? It also WASN'T SCARY, just a challenge. The SCARY/ DISTURBING part was the TEXTURE, & having to eat it with a spoon. It's the MESS, the SLOP, the LACK OF STRUCTURE/ FORM?? And spoons are TOTALLY chaotic, haha. There's NO SOLIDITY. But THAT'S a question = I'm aware of & dealing with the sticky/ crumbs/ spills/ etc. struggles, but the TEXTURE & FORMLESSNESS? Where is THAT rooted? Wait are they BOTH related to CHILDHOOD??? Is it tied to fear of PUNISHMENT for BEING MESSY? It also feels like "ROT" fear, like leaving food out on the counter or in the refrigerator for so long that it DOES turn to mush/ slop, and you STILL HAVE TO EAT IT?? Also, some part of me DOESN'T RECOGNIZE "LIQUIDS" AS FOOD. "Firm" things like jello & pudding don't count UNTIL/ UNLESS they start to MELT. Then the "degradation" fear happens. It's SO disturbing. And yet I don't think soup does this! Is it the WATERY NATURE that makes it safe? That seems legit actually. This concept might be "instinctive disgust" then, related to fear of eating rotten/ spoiled/ rancid food. ALSO the DENATURING. Juice in a cup is SO far removed from the reality of a fruit that it triggers some sort of kneejerk revulsion. My brain doesn't register ultraprocessed "food" as edible at ALL when that fact is apparent. And BTW YOU ARE NOT "OBLIGATED" TO FORCE-EAT THOSE FOODS AFTER DISCHARGE!! You SHOULD be choosing WHOLE FOODS to ACTUALLY FEED & NOURISH your poor body at last! Yes you CAN have something a bit processed when you eat out with mom, or when it would be MORE PRUDENT TO eat such food in a pinch or social situation; those foods ARE ALLOWED STILL; they CAN STILL BE OFFERED TO GOD IN GRATEFUL PRAISE, & they AREN'T "EVIL" OR "UNCLEAN"! You CAN worship God BY eating a bag of chips & fastfood sandwich IF you are doing so WITH the HONEST INTENTION to NOURISH YOUR BODY the BEST YOU CAN in that situation, ESPECIALLY if the EDIFICATION OF/ COMMUNION WITH OTHERS IS INVOLVED, and to DO ALL OF IT FOR GOD'S GLORY, WITH LOVE & THANKS & PRAISE FOR THE GIFT OF FOOD & LIFE & HEALING. Live FOR ETERNITY, even right now!


✳ WHY is there still so much AVERSION, perhaps a deeper FEAR, towards FRUIT FLAVORS? and fruit CUPS & JUICE?? Is this fear as applicable to those SAME fruits when FRESH? Why or why not? WHAT is CAUSING this distinction? IS IT GLOBAL or PARTICULAR?
1) Putting ANYTHING in one of those PLASTIC CUPS for "SNACKS" feels DEGRADING?? Like a "stripping of dignity." Does it make me feel like an animal? What about TEXTURE? Because APPLESAUCE isn't just "scary," it feels almost DEHUMANIZING. Like if I eat it, I'm placed in a position BELOW the dignity/ respect/ rights of a "real/ normal" person??? Is that because of the "processed/ artificialized/ denatured" aspect of ROBBING the FORM from the food & putting the resulting mush in a plastic cup? mass processed & utterly detached from TRUTH & nature as it was CREATED? and making ME eat THAT is DAMNING MY BODY/ SOUL/ FORM to the SAME???

061024

Homily synchronicity = Mike & Vito

TERRIFIED of being TOUCHED
"There’s more than one kind of touch" = Jesus reassuring, heavy and hard contact

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061124
Mom pickup drive
Weeping over headspace music
"I want it back"
"is God like this?"


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061224
Christ's wounds are PART OF the GLORY of HEAVEN!!
THERE ARE HOLY SCARS IN HEAVEN, THEY ARE NOT ERASED

Pop3 38:45 = "TAMING" & REDEMPTION; RELATIONSHIP CHANGES & ENNOBLES THE SOUL = ADAM'S HOUSEHOLD AS PRIEST = ALL CREATION REDEEMED IN CHRIST = THE SHEPHERD LIFTS UP THE SHEEP
13:00 = HEAVEN & UNIQUE PRAISE

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061824
ANXIETY!!!!!🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
Oh my gosh I AM LEGIT IN LOVE. I have got FEELINGS.

Mom shop, just watched her trying on glasses, oddly sweet to just be there with her

Last bingepurge prep. Don't want to do this.
Realizing BOTH HEADSPACE & PRAYER SHUT OFF in this food mindset. Everything feels gauzed up and dislocated.

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062124

I just realized, all this food forcing is rapist behavior.
I'm trying to force myself into the psychic experience of others without permission or consent. I'm trying to force myself into their spaces, into their likeness, trying to "enter into" their life as my own. That's invasive. That's violent. No wonder this all ends in purging.

Boundaries must be set. Identity must be clarified and guarded in CHRIST, not in culture or ethnicity or nostalgia or grief or social curiosity or the awful loneliness born from rejection. Food is not the cure. Food is not a panacea. Only the Eucharist is.

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062924

In last night nightmares, I TURNED BACK TO HELP THE PERSON I ORIGINALLY ABANDONED
I did this THREE TIMES and it SPECIFICALLY involved my thinking of CHRIST ACTING THROUGH ME, not my own actions, HE would and could save them, NOT ME


⭐WE CAN ONLY BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS, AND MANAGE OUR DAILY LIFE WITH GRACE, IF WE ARE LIVING AS A SYSTEM!!!!!!!
WE CANNOT FUNCTION AS A SINGLET. IT'S A LIE!!!!

Remembering this throughout the day EXPLAINS SO MUCH and actually makes life LIVEABLE.
We CAN and SHOULD be SWITCHING to HELP & PROTECT & HEAL EACH OTHER, as MEMBERS OF ONE WHOLE!!!!

 

It's Saint Lucy's feast day, that means it's time for my FAVORITE ART of her to haunt my thoughts all day, and now yours too!
Seriously though I love that sculpture. That's a SAINT, so sacredly macabre. The horror is blessed. What you're looking at is no grotesque display of pain, but the result of a joyfully pious devotion so invincible that this very depiction is that of her triumph over all tortures and evils. The girl is smiling, you realize. She has no physical eyes, but by the very merit of their surrender, she now sees a blissful glory that no human sight could ever perceive.
So yeah. Saint Lucy, pray for us.


Today we had the car, and we might not tomorrow, so we went shopping after Adoration.
Our brain was NOT WORKING but at least WE were, all together-- Genesis and Laurie made sure we didn't do anything stupid. We were surprisingly self-aware despite the brainvoid feeling, with no Socials taking over. I think the prayers in the car helped a lot.

We got BEANS to try, for fiber, perhaps stupidly but we only got two cans. But that meant we had to get a can opener, haha.
Dollar Tree was PACKED like sardines. Shocked. Lines down the aisles. We decided to be patient and wait peacefully, trusting God. And then the idea hit us= we can use this time to plug the ENTIRE Saint Michael Chaplet into the T2S app, so we could have it running while we cooked, as we would have NO time to bike and say it today.

A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE= when we were in Wal-Mart, checking the bean cans for net carbs & fiber (the determining factor), we suddenly got BADLY TRIGGERED by the sight of a can of GARBANZO BEANS. This had NOT happened in the other stores because those cans were labeled as CHICKPEAS and had illustrated labels. This one had a photo of the actual beans and that different title. The point is... WE FORGOT ABOUT CNC. But our subconscious didn't!! This also explains WHY we've been "scared of black beans for no reason"; every time we saw them something in our head would go "no, they're bad and dangerous, don't touch them." We never knew why. WELL NOW WE REMEMBER.
Man I'll tell you our eating disorder gave us SO MUCH FALLOUT HELL to deal with now. At least it IS an aftermath, thanks be to GOD

Got home for noon, haha. Running late buddy!!

JOSÉ ACTUALLY SPOKE TO US IN THE HALL TODAY 🤩 He asked us if it was still cold outside, haha. He was wearing a solid green t-shirt and gold chain necklaces. God bless that man

BK prep was really nice today actually. I think it's because we were just surrendering our schedule to God. It gave us such peace.
Also THE CHAPLET WORKED PERFECTLY, thank God! It's MUCH easier to pray when we're LISTENING, I think because it BYPASSES the OCD panic over thought perfection, AND it "frees up" brainpower to MEDITATE on the prayers & mysteries, which we typically CAN'T do because we're so burnt out just THINKING WORDS.
Also wondering IS THERE A NOUSFONI FOR THIS??? Like the Friar, but techno. I put the "request" out, and almost instantly got a "confirmed potential" for a technomonk connected to the phone app, with that same voice, and named Felix (as the phone is Perpetua).

Adelaide keeps "bumping heads" with that ONE SOMAFONI GIRL who is vaguely manic??
Honestly we think Addie is actually going to NEED a Function shift to survive.


Evening=
No matter how much we try to "get done early," by the time we finish all our daily chores and prayers, we only EVER have ONE HOUR of "free time" at the end of the day, in which we are now doing laptop work AT LONG LAST because without it we are literally souldead.
Still, we're exhausted. We need FAR MORE than one hour to do ANYTHING significant with the Archives-- and writing an entry typically takes TWO hours, MINIMUM. Xangas can take five, haha. At least.
...that aches though. We miss that, talking late into the early morning, all of us alive and present in the heart together, flowing through these fingertips in realtime records of our existences.
Honestly I think we need to take time, every day now, to just read ONE entry from the old days. Just to remember, inbetween all the daily rush. We need to. God can't properly bring us into the future if we have forgotten our past, believe it or not. Everything ties together. We HAVE a history, spiritually AND physically. Completely disowning or depersonalizing or detaching from that doesn't mean it never happened, or that it didn't affect you OR the world you live in.
And we all still exist. Even just as echoes. Even just as memories. All of us are still lights in this heart.

Spotify has given me a daylist of "aggressive elevator music wednesday evening" and I'm quite amused by this.
The only thing is, it's very "general." Nothing standout. I'm at track 24 and I've only liked two songs. I've only skipped about three. It's a cool audio aesthetic, I'm not complaining. And hey, anything more attention-grabbing would make it impossible to focus on work. So this works.

As for what I/we're doing tonight... we're biting the bullet and just uploading 2017 entries.
Yeah. It's been over five years. We need to heal. We can't do that without looking this stuff in the face, and seeing BOTH the bad and good CANDIDLY.
I'm not reading anything yet, at all. Which means I can't erase or censor anything. It also means I won't trigger anything prematurely. We're just being completely, recklessly honest and uploading it all.
THEN we can worry about reviewing it, AFTER the holidays, when we can get a new therapist, haha. It's inevitable. We were a MONSTER during the CNC time period. Coming to terms with our abusive demeanor is going to be very very difficult. But, that's why God gave us Mimic, dead serious. That octopus has, whether he realizes it or not, changed my heart to be more humble and honest about my own "villain arc," which left terrible scars on both myself and others, that may never be erased. But we need to learn to live with the fallout, and make sincere restitution for what we can, and genuinely change our lives so we never hurt anyone like that again. Repentance and metanoia. We're in it together. Chaos 0 too, actually, and Laurie, and even Genesis, although they aren't saying so outright. But we all have such devastating pasts, we're all so ashamed and horrified by what we've been. Funny how our resident not-a-squid jumpstarted such a huge era of healing in our heart. I'm very grateful. So we need to honor that as December rolls on, now that he's been here a full year.

All right, it's 1120 and Laurie is going to smash my head into this keyboard if I don't get some sleep so I'll see you kids later!

(sorry this entry is, as usual, vastly unfinished. we're overworking ourself. it's literally impossible to do as much as we are forcing ourself to do in terms of devotional reading and commentary. we NEED to cut down, because right now, this is spreading our soul so thin that we're unable to FOCUS and make solid consistent growth in any respect. a scattered faith is not honoring our Lord. we genuinely need to start doing less, before we can be more.)


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MDE =
"I understood these tears to be not of sadness but rather of purification."
I'm wondering if this has System relevance. Sadness is a compartmentalized emotion, but have we ever really been aware of its holy nuances before? Exploring this would be hugely beneficial and revelatory, I'm sure.
...

"Think of a person who has brought great joy to your life... anyone who just showed up in your life one day without your plotting or planning. Say a prayer of gratitude for them."
My heart immediately said, Jena. And I honestly teared up from the intensity of gratitude I felt, offering her name up in prayer, and imploring God to bless her to the utmost.
...man, January is going to actually be 15 YEARS since I "met" her. I need to type about that.
...


LBB =
"The words that Mary speaks in today’s passage are among the best known words in all the Gospels: “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” These are words of total acceptance of God’s will. [Yet] Mary wasn’t saying, “This is wonderful. Of course, I'll do it.” Instead she was saying, ‘This isn’t what I had planned, and I’m not sure I understand, but I’ll do my best to do what the Lord wants.”
What is it like to say words to that effect on any given day? Or at the beginning of every day? Try it. God’s plan is always better than my own."
1) ACCEPTANCE ISN'T GLIB.
2) Even as pure & sinless as she was, even devoid of all selfishness, Mary's plan for her own life prior to this WASN'T GOD'S PLAN-- simply because SHE ISN'T GOD. She couldn't ever have predicted or expected or willed what she had just heard from the Angel! And that WASN'T SINFUL, because once she DID "know God's plan," she SURRENDERED EVERYTHING TO IT.
3) Even so, for the same reason of Divine Mystery, Mary DIDN'T understand this Plan-- but she TRUSTED GOD!!
4)

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Universalis today=

"When you are in your room, at night, think always on Christ, and wait for His coming at every moment... He enters by the open door; He has promised to come in, and He cannot deceive. Embrace Him, the one you have sought; turn to him, and be enlightened; hold him fast, ask him not to go in haste, beg him not to leave you. The Word of God moves swiftly; he is not won by the lukewarm, nor held fast by the negligent. Let your soul be attentive to his word; follow carefully the path God tells you to take, for he is swift in his passing... Do not imagine that you are displeasing to him despite having called him, asked him in, and opened the door to him; and that this is the reason why he has gone so quickly– no, for he allows us to be constantly tested... But even if it seems to you that he has left you, go out and seek him once more."
1) We actually do this, a little? At night, we make a special effort with our night prayer routine to bring an awareness of God's Presence directly into our going to sleep.
...
2) I love that small but profound reminder that Jesus doesn't sneak in a back door. He enters by the open front door. There is no secrecy, no deceit, nothing sneaky or sly about Him. He CANNOT deceive, just as He CANNOT lie.
But... I never realized that He actually promised to come to us.
...
3) We must respond to His arrival, and ardently.
...

"Who but holy Church is to teach you how to hold Christ fast? Indeed, she has already taught you, if you only understood her words in Scripture.. How do we hold him fast? ...by the longing of the soul... seek Him and be fearless of suffering. It is often easier to find Him in the midst of bodily torments, in the very hands of persecutors... in a little space, after a brief moment, when you have escaped from the hands of your persecutors without yielding to the powers of this world, Christ will come to you, and He will not allow you to be tested for long."
1) ONLY the Church, the BRIDE of Christ, can teach you how to hold Him in love. The world can NEVER teach you this-- after all, the world is no bride, no spouse, no virgin.
2) Scripture IS the voice of the Church!!! Even all her traditions and customs must be rooted there, for it alone is the Truth of God, the very Words of her Bridegroom. But in His unity with her, she says nothing contrary to Him.
3) We "hold Him" by our soul's longing. What a beautiful paradox.
...And how terrifying a phrase for our traumatized self.
This was inevitable. Ambrose is quoting the Song of Songs here, which we have never read for tragically obvious reasons.
...
4)
5)

"Whoever seeks Christ in this way, and finds Him, can say: "I held Him fast, and I will not let Him go before I bring him into my mother’s house, into the room of her who conceived me." What is this “house,” this “room,” but the deep and secret places of your heart? Maintain this house, sweep out its secret recesses until it becomes immaculate and rises as a spiritual temple for a holy priesthood, firmly secured by Christ, the cornerstone, so that the Holy Spirit may dwell in it. Whoever seeks Christ in this way, whoever prays to Christ in this way, is not abandoned by Him; on the contrary, Christ comes again and again to visit such a person, for He is with us until the end of the world."
1) This is UNEXPECTEDLY MARIAN. The soul who finds Christ does not bring Him into "her own house," for she HAS NONE-- she is yet a virgin girl living with her MOTHER!!! We will not live "in Christ’s House" until we get to Heaven! UNTIL then, what house do we have? Only our hearts. And yet, who "OWNS" that house? OUR MOTHER. This is beautifully twofold. First, it's STILL the Church as mother, and therefore ALSO CHRIST even now-- for truly He alone owns what He created, and even further consecrated & claimed for Himself in loving covenant-- but it's ALSO MARY AS MOTHER, of both the Church AND CHRIST HIMSELF!!
But look further. Our mother is the one who conceived us. That's such a powerful truth spiritually.
...
2) ...I just love how blatantly headspacey this is. Our "home" is literally the "deep and secret places of our heart," where God indeed dwells by grace of Baptism.
...
3) What must we do with our heart-home, then? Two things. We must:
+ MAINTAIN it. Keep it warm, do the repairs, furnish it properly, et cetera.
+ SWEEP all the dust away-- but not just the main rooms! You need to SPECIFICALLY FOCUS on cleaning out the SECRET RECESSES of your heart.
Now THAT is HEADSPACE.
But... who's got the broom? Who has the floorplan for this place? Who is limber &
...
4) What's the ultimate goal here? The only thing fitting our Mother's House-- we must make our heart like hers. It must be made IMMACULATE.
(Pure dwelling, Temple of God, living stone FOR priestly service remember)
...
5) This is ALL "so the HOLY SPIRIT CAN DWELL" in our heart.
...
6) We must seek AND PRAY!
...
7) Christ VISITS.
(no abandon)
...


On the Gospel =
"In Judaism the ‘yoke’ often refers to the Law, a burden which must be borne, [so] it is tempting to see a contrast between the light yoke which Jesus offers and the heavy yoke of the exact and burdensome observance of the Law... except that obedience to the Law was always a joy, since the Law is a revelation of God’s Nature and of God’s Will for human beings, so that it is a joyful privilege to respond."
1) I am a Christian, so I can't speak for the experience of Jews and their Law, especially not in history-- but I do know that Jesus said He came to fulfill the Law, protecting & perfecting every last letter of it, because it IS GOD'S WILL & OF HIS NATURE. It is the special honor and blessed privilege of every Jew. And yet, they themselves call it a burden. Why? Again, I can't speak for them, but when I look at my own "struggle" to keep the commands of Christ, especially in a world that almost mandates the opposite... I can tell you that God is NOT the cause of the burden. My own sinful nature is.
No matter how much of a "burden" it may therefore make the Law of God to me, that same Law is NEVERTHELESS ALWAYS PURE JOY. Why? Because it's INHERENTLY GOOD. It's literally directions from God! And when you love God, then following His directions-- no matter how complicated or difficult the application & enactment honestly may be-- is ALWAYS deeply & unshakably joyful at its heart. It truly is a privilege, to KNOW what God wants and to be able to strive for it, even to strain under it. It's either His Law or the world's anarchy, and I would much rather bear the heavy holy yoke of purpose & covenant than go running "free" in selfish whim, doomed to uselessness. 
2) I actually really love reflecting on the Law of Scripture as "God's Will for mankind" AND as "a revelation of God's Nature." Both those truths are STAGGERING. We're just puny stupid weak mortal sinners!! And God Himself has CHOSEN FREELY to not just REVEAL these sacred Mysteries to us, but also to call us to COOPERATE IN THEM??? That's BEYOND COMPREHENSION. And yet it is ABSOLUTE FACT.
...
3) All this actually reminds me of the prayer Mimic and I say before each Bible study=
"O Lord Jesus Christ, open Thou the eyes of my heart, that I may hear Thy Word and understand and do Thy will... Hide not Thy commandments from me, but open mine eyes, that I may perceive the wonders of Thy Law. Speak unto me the hidden and secret things of Thy wisdom... enlighten my mind and understanding with the light of Thy knowledge, not only to cherish those things which are written, but to DO them..." etc.
Without divine enlightenment-- which we cannot achieve on our own; it must be given by God Himself of His Own Will-- the Law will be "hidden" from us, even if we follow it? We won't "perceive its wonders", which are only seen with "the eyes of the heart," and can then be understood-- but again, only by grace! For no one knows God BUT God, so without the Spirit imparting that Knowledge to us through Love-- for God is Love, and so ALL Knowledge of Him MUST be of Love, by Love-- all divine things will remain "hidden and secret" to us, even incomprehensible. It's all from God, for God.
But I want to emphasize the conclusion. The end of all this enlightenment and knowledge and understanding is to be able to cherish the Law, to see with your heart the hidden wonder of God Who Is Love within it, to recognize it as His Wise and Good Will, and therefore to do what that Law says with true and sincere and holy joy. All the grace is humbly petitioned for, and mercifully received, for that sole purpose-- loving obedience according to loving knowledge.
I hope that makes sense. My heart is so moved about it, it's very hard to put into words, especially on a phone keypad.


"In the Old Testament, personified Wisdom is always standing in her doorway to invite people to her banquet... and to take on her yoke. This fits also the address of the invitation of Jesus to the poor who "labour and are overburdened", for the invitation of Wisdom is addressed NOT to the learned but to those who are humble and open-minded. And Jesus Himself is the humble and unpretentious King, as He shows by entering Jerusalem on a donkey– no warlike steed... [a humble reign which began when] Jesus [was] born into an impoverished and homeless family among the cattle, and first greeted by simple shepherds. This is the heart of the invitation of Jesus: to put aside all worldly honour and standards and embrace His own more profound and more rewarding criteria."
1) Wisdom only invites the humble because the proud are too full of themselves; they don't trust anyone's table but their own.
But the analogy is fascinating. It's a free banquet, offered to those souls that humbly admit their hunger & weariness & inability to soothe either pain themselves... but there's a yoke to bear. Honestly, there ALWAYS is. And that's GOOD. Honest work is holy, sincere effort is a means of sanctification, the struggle for righteousness brings grace, etc. Wisdom is given without cost, her banquet is free, but from then on out you MUST bear her yoke-- and you must be willing to lower your head and bend to receive it, through no boasted effort of yours. That's the exchange, that's the true banquet for your soul, for now you will be bound to her, carrying her "burden" of wealth alongside her. You have shared her meal, accepted her invitation-- now you work together to plow the paths you tread,  preparing it for the planting that will yield even more fruit. This is an honor. What you have received without cost, you must give without cost-- but never by your own power. You are not the source of the seeds to be planted, nor are you the one sowing. You are simply shouldering the yoke, humbly yet indispensably... alongside humble & holy Wisdom herself.
The yoke is not a price, it's a privilege. She will be a source of endless wealth for you, if you are emptied enough of yourself to receive it, and you are willing to in turn become a fountain for that wealth to others on her behalf, for her sake, as she continues to invite all who will listen to her endlessly generous banquet.
2) Jesus, Who IS Wisdom, is the true & perfect Embodiment of ALL of that. He is ALWAYS inviting, always standing at the very doorway to Heaven, as it were. He wants to feed us and shelter us. But He STILL wants us to WORK, hence the yoke. He isn't calling us to insolence or gluttony-- no matter how rich the banquet is! But the yoke is easy. Why? Because it is shared with Him-- with His unfailing Strength, and unconditional Love. His burden is light, but note it is still a "burden!" Jesus IS the Law. Jesus taught God's Will and EMBODIED God's Nature, and He constantly conflicted with the religious authorities because He didn't obsess over legalism & paperwork as it were. He revealed the "wonders" hidden in the Law, the core Truth behind every command. Obedience to the Law of God IS a joy, after all, when God is recognized & known & cherished in it-- and Jesus purifies & perfects that Law by distilling the Letter down to LOVE. THAT makes it light, pun intended-- it makes it clearer and brighter than ever before, illuminating every shadow of confusion, chasing away all darkness of ignorance. No longer is it just a list of boxes to be checked. Jesus moves us from head to heart. He liberates us from the minutiae by yoking us to His infinite embrace. He calls us to carry the Crossbar on our shoulders.
3) If the KING is so astonishingly humble, then His subjects absolutely must imitate His example. That's obvious. But consider the examples!! Look at where His Power truly lies-- invincible, yet invisible to worldly eyes!
...
4) Here's the wrapup. I need to grasp this together with the bit on the Law.
Jesus's invitation is for "the weary" to "take on His yoke" by "learning from Him"-- and in doing so, to finally be at rest in their souls. This is the invitation of Wisdom to her banquet, an invitation only offered to the humble. Jesus's "yoke" IS that of Wisdom.
Here, Scripture says it far better than I can=
‭"This is what I say: It costs nothing to be wise. Put on the yoke, and be willing to learn. The opportunity is always near... No matter how much it costs you to get Wisdom, it will be well worth it."
...

(When you have a meek & humble heart, every weight is easier to carry)

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The last thought for today, from an article.

"With just a couple of handfuls of days left until Christmas, I will try to focus on [Jesus's] promise of rest. There are still many tasks to attend to, but those tasks are not the point. Instead, it is the promise of peace during this season of light."
Remember this.
We were actually feeling guilty today because we "weren't doing enough reading and devotion and special prayer" for the season. There are Christmas books we haven't opened yet, there are Bible study plans we haven't started, there are cards we haven't written and gifts we haven't bought, there are carols we haven't sung or performed, there are decorations we haven't put up... it snowballs, very fast.
None of it truly matters if we don't have the peace of the Christ Child.
THAT'S the endpoint of Advent. Christ is COMING TO US, in the past present and future, and we need to be ready for HIM. Not the holiday. For CHRIST HIMSELF.
And you'll only be ready if your heart is open to Him as the Prince of Peace.