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✳ My "goal" today (has to be S.M.A.R.T.) is to journal about the two "encounters" I had in my dream last night, specifically with my mom & TBAS, with the intention of SOBERLY FACING the TRUTHS of HOW I SPOKE TO & RESPONDED to them, AND how my subconscious presented THEIR words & responses to ME. I ALSO MUST note that, as usual, "MY" APPEARANCE CHANGES WITH MY BEHAVIOR, implying that this is ESSENTIALLY a concern for the SYSTEM. I CANNOT therefore TRULY understand OR process it as "JUST ME," because THAT'S FALSE.
Now, details are blurry as is typical for dreams, BUT what DID stick, AND the EMOTIONS that resulted are important & are what really matter here. First, mom. I was in treatment, and she was on vacation with her boyfriend, but she had left me with HER PHONE & a whole duffel bag of files & folders & papers, for me to "sort through" & "see if what she found (at the house, from my past) was anything I wanted to keep." But I was panicking over the phone? I couldn't have it on the unit, BUT I had no idea how to return it to her, or what she expected me to do with it, etc. I tried to send her boyfriend an email from her phone telling her I was OK and that her phone was going to be turned off but the nurses would have it, but it wouldn't send? THEN after this nervewracking effort, in which I felt a real time crunch, somehow I ended up at a meal with the treatment group BUT my MOM had SHOWED UP & was talking to all the nurses & other patients, apparently "painting the picture" of my disorder to them as SHE understood it, and I got the sickening impression that THAT was how she saw ME. The IMPORTANT moment came when she SAT DOWN AT THE TABLE and was EXPLICITLY describing my past symptomatic behavior TO the girls in a stage whisper WHILE they were eating, WHILE LOOKING AT ME. It was so "offensively" passive-aggressive it made me "infuriated" from the sheer shame/ guilt/ regret/ hurt. She was saying something like "I don't know why she keeps doing it"-- WHILE pointedly staring at me, like she was trying to force a different response IN "DEFENSE" than the TRUE ones I'd ALREADY GIVEN HER MANY TIMES-- "she'll eat all this food and then she'll just throw it up!" And I FLIPPED HER OFF & stormily turned my back to her, unable to process the wounded humiliated grieving RAGE I felt. It was because her PHRASING felt so FLIPPANT, so SHALLOW, as if I was doing that "for FUN" OR "BY CHOICE," and FURTHERMORE, by saying "she WILL/ she DOES," it SHOWED that SHE SAW THAT AS PRESENT & DEFINITIVE BEHAVIOR. Her very phrasing implied that SHE DIDN'T SEE ME AS CAPABLE OF CHANGE. And with how prone I historically have been to IMPLANTED THOUGHTS FROM "AUTHORITY," and the fact that THAT BEGAN IN CHILDHOOD WITH HER & GRANDMA'S frequent gaslighting of my childhood emotions, those words FELT LIKE A DOOM MANDATE. "She WILL. She DOES." She CAN'T/ WON'T CHANGE, because I'M DEFINING HER IDENTITY IN THE CONTINUAL PRESENT TENSE BY DISORDERED BEHAVIOR." And more than anything, that BROKE MY HEART. THAT'S where the RAGE came from-- BECAUSE if I WEPT or PROTESTED in sorrow, even tears, SHE WOULD JEER & SCORN & ACCUSE ME OF MANIUPULATIVE DRAMATICISM. "Crocodile tears." "Puppetmaster." etc. I COULDN'T COMMUNICATE TO HER the TRUTH of my DETERMINATION & HOPE & EFFORT & FAITH. She just couldn't or wouldn't see it, or believe me. In her mind, I WILL be disordered still. And I HATED THAT CONDEMNATION because I REFUSED TO SUBMIT TO ITS LIE OF HOPELESS INDIFFERENCE. THAT, TOO, disturbed me-- that mom WOULDN'T TALK TO ME ABOUT HER FEELINGS, and even when talking ABOUT me TO others, SHE WASN'T BEING HONEST because she WOULDN'T SHOW ANY EMOTION? Other than weepy-mad "I don't know why she's doing this!" WHILE STARING AT ME. MOM I'VE TOLD YOU. YOU WON'T LISTEN. I WANT TO DISCUSS THIS WITH YOU SO YOU UNDERSTAND, but deep down the WORST grief is that YOU DON'T WANT TO. You just want it to GO AWAY with no fuss & YOU WANT TO GET THE CREDIT FOR DECIDING it must go. YOU THINK I HAVEN'T "DECIDED" THAT YEARS AGO?? Mom I KNOW you love me BUT it feels like you see ME as POWERLESS & UNWILLING TO CHANGE?? And so YOU HAVE TO "FIX ME" AND BE THE HERO? It's robbing me of my freedom & agency in RECOVERY that way, just like the disorder itself. AND SHE DOESN'T EVER WANT TO COMMUNICATE IN HONESTY. She just wants me to be "COMPLETELY CURED," RIGHT NOW, with NO HASSLE OR COMPLICATIONS OR REMAINING ISSUES TO DEAL WITH. It hurts because she seems to see this as a "surface level," "just think differently"/ "just get over it"/ "be like ME & RESIST/ REFUSE/ FIGHT!" and THAT hurts too-- the FACT that SHE responds to so many of HER pains & distresses by HARDENING HER HEART & BITING BACK. And I just CAN'T DO THAT. But SHE does, and THAT'S part of WHY she "doesn't understand" my disorder symptoms DESPITE my TELLING HER-- because they SPRING FROM TRAUMA as BROKEN COPING SKILLS and SHE DOESN'T WANT TO FACE OR ADMIT THE FEAR/ PAIN IN HER OWN PAST, maybe because SHE doesn't know HOW TO COPE, and MAYBE HER FOOD ISSUES are "too close" to mine? I don't know. But that's why it's so painful for me, to hear her respond to MY pain expressed BY/ THROUGH the eating disorder, because SHE WON'T ENTER THAT SPACE AT ALL, FOR EITHER OF US, and THAT'S WHY, TO HER, "RECOVERY" IS JUST A LIGHTSWITCH OR MAGIC WAND. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO, OR ISN'T ABLE TO, ENTER INTO THE DARK & TANGLED BATTLE OF EMOTION & TRAUMA PROCESSING. Recovery is a HARD BATTLE and it takes TIME & BRUTAL HONEST EFFORT. And... she RUNS a lot, hence her perpetually distracted, highspeed, overworked life, in which she gets herself SO STRESSED OUT over the "PRESENT" & her manic grand PLANS for the FUTURE, that she is BOTH "running away from her PAST & her INNER pains" WHILE still giving SOME expression to her subconscious turmoil by, as I see it, ALWAYS WORRYING & GETTING UPSET about "the house"... which IS A SYMBOL of a LOT OF HER PAST TRAUMA, as it is also for mine. It's complex and heartbreaking because I WANT HER TO HEAL & FIND PEACE, TOO, BUT SHE WON'T FACE THE WOUND. ...YET, perhaps. The more I'm honest in a CALM & HOPEFUL & HUMBLED way about MY trauma & WHY I struggle & HOW I'm striving to heal, she SEEMS to be MORE WILLING to START sharing/ facing HER struggles WITH ME?? Bit by bit, and I HAVE noticed. Which MEANS she's STARTING to SEE ME AS SAFE??? AND UNDERSTANDING?? God I HOPE SO, and PLEASE give me the GRACE TO BE THAT FOR HER, because I DO LOVE HER & WANT HER TO BE WELL. BOTH of us CAN reach that space of healing TOGETHER, and THAT'S WHAT I WANT THE MOST. (RELATIONSHIP)
✳ A VERY CONVICTING THOUGHT = Mom sees my IDENTITY as "TIED TO" the eating disorder BECAUSE I'VE GIVEN HER ENOUGH REASONS TO DO SO. One's IDENTITY IS tied to WHATEVER they give their TIME, ATTENTION, FOCUS, EFFORT, & PRIORITY TO. And I must confess, I've been FALSE TO MYSELF, DISTORTING MY IDENTITY, BY NOT FOCUSING MY ENERGY ON WHAT I TRULY VALUE & WHAT TRULY MATTERS TO ME. The problem is, I "met it HALFWAY" by "COMPROMISE" & THAT GAVE THE EATING DISORDER AN EXCUSE & A FOOTHOLD, and THAT'S why it became SO HARD TO ACTUALLY UPROOT-- because I had gotten it TANGLED UP in my TRUE VALUES, which I apparently was "UNABLE" TO PURSUE OTHERWISE, in a DIRECT way? Like "I HAVE to take 3 HOURS to eat breakfast because THAT'S when I do SCRIPTURE STUDY!" But WHY can't I do that study AT MY DESK, AFTER I EAT? And with the bingeing "because it gives me time to listen to religious lectures" it was STILL ROBBING ME OF MANY MORE HOURS in which I could be PURSUING SAINTLY GOALS, NOT PURGING. And I'd have RIGID timing "so I CAN pray/ study," which PREVENTED me from DOING MORE VIRTUOUS THINGS, like USING MY TALENTS FOR GOD & HELPING/ SPENDING TIME WITH MY FAMILY. Mom was seeing the exact problem. Food was USURPING my TRUE identity by ATTACHING to it like a PARASITE.
✳ Related to that topic of skewed/ misdirected values, the OTHER dream encounter was with S, aka TBAS, aka Oliver, and in the dream I didn't know which name to call them. I was in a waiting room somewhere, & suddenly they walked in the front door. I thought, "why are they up in this state?" but then thought something like, "this might be the only chance I get to clear things up between us"? Unfortunately I don't recall how it came about, but we ended up speaking to each other, except... I really didn't let it get very far. After the briefest words of recognition, I started actually almost "lecturing/ scolding/ shaming" them for being transgender. I sounded like such a proud, patronizing, callous jerk. And rightly enough, they ended up almost tearing up, & wordlessly turning & leaving the room? They went back out into the lobby & sat in another small side waiting room, & before the doors closed, I saw them point me out to the other patients & start saying that my thoughtless/ heartless "religious hypocrite" arrogance was "why they'd NEVER be my friend again"? And I THINK they actually DID say to me, "THIS is WHY WE left YOU"?? but the gist being that I was so focused on rebuking them & preaching moral precepts, acting like I was the authority on "holiness" while being a scumbag, that it was IMPOSSIBLE to even have a CONVERSATION with me, let alone a FRIENDSHIP. And as the doors closed, I had the horrible realization that "I'll probably NEVER get the chance to talk to them again." It was over, we weren't friends again, we probably never would be, they'd probably never forgive me, and it was ENTIRELY MY FAULT for being such an egocentric jerk. And then I realized that I "still loved them" and they didn't even know it because I treated them like trash. And that CRUSHED me with regret & shame & grief. So what do I learn from this subconscious message? Well, FIRST is the fact that I COULDN'T STOP JUDGING & CONDEMNING THEIR GENDER & SEXUALITY to the point where I WASN'T SEEING THEM AS A PERSON. I only saw the SIN, NOT THE SINNER. I saw them as a "DISTORTION/ PROBLEM TO BE FIXED/ CORRECTED" IN ORDER for them to even "BE" a "real person"??? Like, if your IDENTITY is based on a FALSEHOOD, then "YOU" aren't "true" UNTIL you're "CONVERTED"? And of course, ALL THAT MUST BE THE WAY I SECRETLY SEE MYSELF. Because like it or not, the RAW FACT is that SINCE CHILDHOOD I have been a QUEER PERSON. I "don't WANT to be" because it's "morally wrong," but I... I'm NOT CISHET. I CAN'T "FORCE IT." I've TRIED. I like girls and I do lean masculine in many ways to the point where I feel like a "third" gender. I want to cry. I just want to be what GOD wants. But... what if He DOES want me to be queer, as a CROSS? How do I ACCEPT that, because God knows I WANT to-- it's exhausting & miserable to fight & deny it-- but apparently I believe that "queer people aren't allowed to exist UNTIL they BECOME cishet"??? Lord I'm struggling. But THAT'S the HUGE point here. And as a SYSTEM, it's even MORE complicated because we experience ALL the rainbow in here. And we KNOW how "queerness" has REPEATEDLY LED TO TERRIBLE TRAUMA IN THE PAST. But we still love girls. And we're still a "total tomboy" at least. How do we reconcile this with our faith? How do we accept this, and not HATE ourselves BY COMPULSION, because we're "SUPPOSED TO," and that horrible "order" HARDENS OUR HEART & makes us CRUEL & DISMISSIVE towards OTHER QUEER PEOPLE, because WE CAN'T STOP TREATING OURSELF THAT WAY FOR THAT REASON? And to make things even WORSE, the global "LGBTQIA+" movement IS OBJECTIVELY SATANIC. IT'S ACTUALLY, LITERALLY EVIL. But the PEOPLE with this cross AREN'T necessarily so!! There's this WAR of sexuality going on and I KNOW I'm called to chastity and I'm GRATEFUL for GOD'S TRUTH but if I'm STILL "QUEER," am I in opposition to God even still? I need to pray & get legit spiritual direction about this. But today, the lesson is this: HATRED & CONDEMNATION & MERCILESS JUDGMENT & OBJECTIFICATION & DISMISSAL & DISRESPECT of queer people IS A SIN. God STILL LOVES THEM & they ARE REAL PEOPLE and THAT APPLIES TO YOU! You NEED to START WITH YOURSELF or ALL your actions will be HYPOCRITICAL & HOLLOW. Your JOB as a Christian is to LOVE AS CHRIST LOVES. First you MUST accept & integrate HOW HE LOVES YOU.
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✳ The "accumulate positives" list has things like "think about past good times/ kindnesses/ loved ones words" & "make a gift for/ spend time with someone," BUT those suggestions FRIGHTEN me? Like they put me under "GUILTY OBLIGATION" to "RETURN THE FAVOR OR ELSE"/ "EARN THEIR APPROVAL" sort of "give & take" mindset, with the EMPHASIS being that "IF someone GIVES something good to me, they NOW have "EARNED the RIGHT" to TAKE SOMETHING GOOD FROM ME. And I DO NOT LIKE THIS. I would LIKE to make a gift for someone BECAUSE that's a KIND thing TO do, BUT I "don't value gifts" (love language?) so it would be DISSONANT & NOT GENUINE? I WANT to GIVE, but in OTHER WAYS, like ACTS OF SERVICE. So that's an important clarification. Same with SPENDING TIME. It DOESN'T "HAVE TO" be "at the movies" or "playing a game," or "talking nonstop." That's EXHAUSTING, and I feel like I CAN'T "PROPERLY" GIVE IN THOSE CONTEXTS? It's asking something from me that I DON'T HAVE? Is that bad? Am I ALLOWED to "spend time" in DIFFERENT ways, like reading Scripture together? And WHY does ALL "spending time" feel like I'M ALREADY IN TROUBLE? Like "WHAT'S THE SCRIPT?" "What do they want to GET from me?" "If I do THIS, NOW, then am I now OBLIGATED to be ON CALL to KEEP giving MORE without conditions WHENEVER they want?" I SEE IT AS A "TAKE" SITUATION. WHY DO I SEE ALL SOCIAL INTERACTIONS AS VAMPIRIC??? That's why I'm SCARED to give, although I WANT TO. It just feels like I'm GIVING THEM FREE PERMISSION to DEVOUR ME AT THEIR WHIM. That's ALSO why I'm frightened to even THINK about "past good," because that feels like TALLYING UP DEBTS that I must PAY IN FULL (WITH INTEREST), and I often CAN'T, so must I pay in BLOOD? I'm shaking just thinking about it. God what do I do? How can I accept things as GIFTS? I only ever want to GIVE gifts! DO I? Or is this ALL tangled? Do I "expect to get something BACK" solely because I feel like I'm being EATEN? WHY does GIVING feel like ALWAYS drawing from an EMPTY WELL? Am I THAT SELFISH?? Or am I that afraid of "establishing MORE obligations" & "ADDING UP MORE DEBT"? Lord I WANT TO FREELY DO GOOD FOR OTHERS WITHOUT BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF in the sense of BECOMING A PREY/ FOODSOURCE? What the heck am I afraid of? INITIATING SOCIAL INTERACTION. How ironic, because I YEARN FOR LOVING COMMUNITY. IS THAT THE MISSING PIECE HERE?? I DON'T EVER FEEL LOVED. Is that true? WHY is it? Do I NOT FEEL "KNOWN" or seen at all? How does that affect my ability TO ACCEPT KINDNESS/ LOVE? Why can't I just "take what I get"? Do I somehow fear that the love given "ISN'T ACTUALLY MEANT FOR ME/ I CAN'T ACCEPT IT" if it's given "TO A FALSE IDEA of "me"" or something? It's like eating paper. I'm starving & sobbing. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO LOVE PEOPLE & ACCEPT LOVE & NOT FEEL LIKE I'M IN DANGER OR IN CRIMINAL TROUBLE, for doing it WRONG. I need to sit & feel this out first. It's WAY too complex & deep to be writing about in realtime. And I NEED TO ADDRESS THIS AS PART OF THE SYSTEM, WHICH I HAVEN'T DONE (YET) ON THIS PAGE. That's probably WHY it's such a tangled mess. In that case it's a PERFECT EXAMPLE of WHY WE CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. There's NO PROGRESS WITHOUT WORKING TOGETHER.
