the spectrum heart cathedral system

I'm miserable and terrified about both Thanksgiving and vacation coming up, both situations in which i will inevitably be forced to eat strange foods in public settings, and I'm trying to figure out if whatever the heck I'm dealing with ACTUALLY IS. How much co-morbidity is going on?
I've been diagnosed with OCD, anorexia, and bulimia, as well as a tendency to psychosis, but I'm googling ARFID and some of these comments are SPOT ON=

https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/comments/1hgtcxb/i_have_arfid_a_complex_type_of_picky_eating/
"ARFID is not like a severe craving to certain types of food, and a willingness to starve in protest until you get that food. Parents can serve their kids as much real food as they can get and never let processed food near their kid. The child will starve rather than eat unsafe foods. Not because they’re holding out for cookies instead, but because their brain makes them feel like they will die if they eat that food. It’s a survival instinct, just a poorly wired one..."

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS WITH ME. The issue is that I apparently dissociate so bloody hard that I don't even COMPREHEND textures/ tastes/ smells typically?? Like I can sit here and try to remember sensory data of food, but despite all of Iscah's old obsessive datalogging NOTHING IS ACCESSIBLE. It's due to abject terror. How in the world did that develop post-TBHU?? Most notably though, is that my avoidance of food is actually rooted in "poison" and "infestation" and "moral panic" fears, rather than sensory issues. I am literally scared to death that if I eat 1/4 teaspoon of dry oats, it WILL somehow "kill me"-- either because my body will reject it/ react to it so disastrously that I will die, OR because "eating it is WRONG/ SINFUL" and I will be PUNISHED with death for "disobeying God" BY eating it. It's hell. 
BUT THEN there is ALSO the terror of gaining weight, which is ACTUALLY tangled up IN the "poison/ infestation" fear. To me, "weight gain" is the result of FOREIGN MATTER. It is a PARASITIC SYMPTOM. "Gaining weight" means that THERE IS EXCESS STUFF INSIDE OF ME THAT DOES NOT BELONG THERE. It's a literal "existential horror" reaction, based on this rocksolid conviction that the REAL me, the TRUE me, is STILL PHYSICALLY CHILDLIKE (prepubescent), and therefore if I gain weight-- which, honestly, is synonymous with "become an adult/ become female"-- I am actually only "burying myself alive" beneath superfluous junk matter. The "real me," the small but healthy wiry fiery child me-- NOT thin or waifish or sickly-- is SUFFOCATING. It's a TERRIFYING feeling and I get it ALL THE TIME. It's why "feeling full" is one of the scariest things in the world, let alone feeling food IN the body at ALL-- it registers ENTIRELY as essentially a MALIGNANT TUMOR. I cannot find strong enough words to describe it. Food, to me, in general, is INVASIVE. It is an INCURSION, more specifically-- "an invasion as well as an attack," a "hostile entrance into a territory." Eating, to my psyche, is INHERENTLY something scarily analogous to rape. Even with my "safe foods," I need to dissociate the entire time (hence the Bible study hyperfocus) or THAT awareness clicks in and I am overwhelmed with survival panic. It's a literal trauma response. 
Eating food, to me, means "forcing foreign objects into my body in a painful and humiliating manner, where I cannot get them out and I am helpless to do anything about their unwanted weight inside of me, and they will take over my mind and body from the inside out, and I will die from their poisonous influence infecting me unless I violently vomit them up to destroy them, and am clean and safe and good and pure again."  THAT IS MY DAILY LIFE, and THAT IS NOT NORMAL. THAT IS TRAUMATIZED LANGUAGE. And, despite recognizing it as technically incorrect according to "normal people data", IT STILL "MAKES PERFECT SENSE" TO MY LIFE SITUATION and registers as 100% FACTUAL. 

I had FIVE RELAPSE DAYS THIS WEEK due to trying very hard and therefore very stupidly to reintroduce "new foods" (mostly carbohydrates) into our diet. Long story short= 99% of it ended up donated, thrown in the garbage, or vomited up. I was SO UNBELIEVABLY SCARED that as SOON as I got symptoms of nausea, stomach pain, headaches, dizziness, shaking, confusion, itching, burning, etc. I PANICKED and PURGED EVERYTHING. But are those symptoms really life-threatening, or are they the results OF unconscious fears? I don't know. 
I tried lettuce, bread, tomato, mayonnaise, tunafish, salmon, oatmeal, sunflower butter, blueberries, apples, raisins, zucchini, cucumber, carrots, chickpeas, blackeyed peas, eggs, rice, and protein powder. ALL OF IT SCARES THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME. But when I look at that list and ask myself, "but WHY is it so deadly/ scary?" The only response I get is, "because it's POISON." When I ask, "can you define "poison"?" The response is, "IT DOESN'T BELONG AND IT WILL KILL ME." So... deep, deep down, ALL FOOD is somehow potentially "poisonous," because EVERY SINGLE THING THAT "GOES INTO OUR BODY" IS FATAL BECAUSE IT IS A FOREIGN INVASIVE OBJECT. 
That's the fear. "It doesn't belong." "It's an invading enemy." "It's a parasitic infection." 
How ironic that Animorphs was such a definitive series for me as a kid. I was already severely germaphobic back then, with serious magical thinking issues... the Yeerks were the second most perfect simile for the deep horror I experienced daily. The most perfect one was demonic possession. 
God I am so tired.

I have so much more work to do tonight. I'll pause this thought for now. At least I was able to voice some of my most immediate concerns.

OH. I almost forgot. The PARALLEL concern is how my MOTHER is reacting to this, because this whole topic came up during a phone call in the specific context of my saying, verbatim, "every time I go up that house, I have a relapse into disordered behavior. I've been saying that for years; you know that, and it hasn't changed." It's true. No matter WHAT I do, being in that environment just RUINS me. When I went up on Saturday evening to do some odd jobs for mom, as I was peeling old wallpaper off the walls, I had the sudden awful lucid thought that, "if I still had to come up here every night, with no escape, I would absolutely still be drowning in the eating disorder and self-abuse." I knew it was true, and that terrified me. ...and then, my mother decided to keep me there for for hours while she did other things, and what do you know, I had my worst E.D. relapse in MONTHS. My brain just couldn't handle it. I don't know how to explain it. It feels like the "opposite" of a survival instinct-- it's the same screaming urgent compulsion, but it's DESTRUCTIVE, not protective. It's like... "I can't get out of here, everything is wrong and dirty and scary and loud and evil, and I'm stuck here, and it's ALL WRONG," therefore "I'm going to kill myself WITH it." THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO. Somehow, being in that environment triggers what I can only figure is a bizarre SUICIDE REACTION, an "escape route" that is POINTEDLY ACCUSATORY because it uses the impetus itself AS the means. Basically = this house is scaring me to death, and I can't do or say anything about it, and I cannot get away somewhere safe, SO the ONLY way I can "scream for help" or "protest against this horror" is to MAKE MY AGONY VERY VISIBLE by using this house itself to make me sick enough to DIE." Does that make sense? It's like, if a child was mute and couldn't voice his fear, but he was scared to death of the family dog, so he did everything it could to make the dog ATTACK and HUR him, JUST so the family would GET RID OF THE DOG. It's a desperate cry for help, for rescue, for escape, but no one is listening, and no one takes you seriously, and no one believes you, and no one cares, so your ONLY OPTION is to force circumstances to become SO UNIGNORABLY BAD and DIRECTLY ASSOCIATED WITH WHAT YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM, that it will annoy or inconvenience or outright outrage others to the point where they WILL get you out of there EVEN if it's solely in their own interests. The single point pursued is to escape. The means are not important. Desperation will do anything it must. So that's apparently what happens when I go up that house and am forced to stay there for longer than a few minutes apparently.
HOWEVER. What was my mother's response on the phone? It was the same as it's been for years as well: "I don't know what else to do! I'm making EVERYTHING in that house look so different, so you SHOULDN'T be traumatized by it anymore! Everyone who used to live there is dead, so you SHOULDN'T have any problem with it!"
This time I had the guts to reply, with noted resignation, "that actually made it worse for me, mom."
See, it's PERFECT for her-- she actually feels "completely safe and happy" there now, "for the first time in her life" she claims. And I am GENUINELY HAPPY FOR HER. Apparently, making it look different DID help her. But not me. 
There was no way I could explain why over the phone, and I know she didn't want to hear it anyway-- whenever I attempt to explain how my broken brain works, she immediately cuts me off or changes the subject. This is a repeatedly proven phenomenon and I do not want to burden her with that data anyway; she has no interest in it and therefore no need to hear it. She isn't my therapist, she isn't a nousfoni, she isn't Jesus, so there's no reason for me to tell her anyway. So I didn't even try. This was fine by her-- she continued the conversation in a different direction and I nudged it along that way, glad to not be talking about myself anymore.
However, I knew that I would have to at least try to explain WHY/ HOW "that made it worse for me" in this journal, for System purposes. 
Here's the core of the matter: what triggers me about that house is notsomuch how it looks but how it feels. I get triggered by the SPATIAL REALITY of it somehow. There's a texture to the air, a smell, a sense of proprioception in reverse, almost-- it's like I'm physically, immediately aware of the ghosts of the past. It's like building an amusement park over an old graveyard. No matter how cheery and uplifting you try to make the space now, no matter how much you try to override and abrogate the memory of what was before, there are still corpses buried beneath it and you cannot get them out. The bathroom looks 1000% different than it used to, but it still takes up the same physical space, and therefore it registers to my psyche AS the SAME bathroom, which it "is," regardless of physical appearance. Don't forget-- I've lived my entire life as internally-rooted in one sense or another. Physical appearance is not what I'm focusing on. My subconscious seems to assume, by default almost, that "what I see is illusory" or at least "not the reality of the thing." I notice this more often now-- it's a "dream logic," this assumption that apparent forms could shift or dissolve or disappear in a moment. It's hard to parse that yet. But I feel it, even looking around now. It's the constant underlying feeling that "I could wake up at any moment" and everything will just disappear, leaving some deeper, truer reality behind? Like everything is just a symbol, or better, a hologram, like Erek the Chee. He's a human boy and yet he is absolutely not, and yet one can know him all one's life as the former without suspecting the latter. Still, it's the truth. That's how I feel about life, I guess. Maybe that's a depersonalization symptom-- this "nothing is quite real" sort of "interim space" undertone to life itself. 
But I digress. With the house, "changing the hologram" is not going to alter what's beneath it, to continue that analogy. And, most importantly, it's still taking up the exact same space in the world. THAT'S what triggers me, more than anything. 
The second and third issues are ones that I cannot tell my mother out of filial respect. First is the fact that she is, to my perception, a hoarder. She owns DOZENS of outfits, DOZENS of shoes, HUNDREDS of books and CDs and DVDs and movies... the house is SO CLUTTERED with sheer stuff-- BOTH hers and grandpa's-- that it completely burns out my brain the minute I walk in the door. The sheer dirtiness of clutter is bad enough on its own, but the oppressive VOLUME of it makes that house a cesspit of NIGHTMARISH SENSORY OVERWHELM. And it's not just visual volume-- it's AUDITORY. When my mother is around, NOISE DOES NOT STOP. She's either talking literally nonstop, AND/OR she is blasting music or an audiobook or the television or all three at once PLUS the conversation AND the cooking AND the bloody CATS. That's the new and unbearable overwhelm: the ANIMAL FILTH. Oh of course there is an ABUNDANCE of "human" filth-- garbage, food waste, hair, unknown sticky substances, spills, etc. not to mention the incredibly unsanitary condition of the bathrooms-- but  NOW we have LITERAL FECES AND HAIR AND VOMIT OVER EVERYTHING due to the fact that there are three filthy dirty stinking animals running free around the ENTIRE HOUSE, so that NOWHERE IS CLEAN and NOWHERE IS SAFE and EVERYTHING "BELONGS TO THE CATS" now, in my brain. The "infection" feeling is tangible, with those animals everywhere. It literally makes my brain scream the instant I open the front door, and it is impossible to escape. No matter where you go, there's litter and kibble and biological waste and everything STINKS. That's INFINITELY WORSE than all the overwhelm with the more "abstract dirt" of sight & sound, and even of tangible touch, as horrible as that is. I've realized lately that, unexpectedly, a TON of my WORST triggers are OLFACTORY. Although I don't "pay much attention to it," it is HUGELY IMPORTANT TO MY MIND, and when I want to remember something I NEED to "smell it." It's almost obsessive; I'm noticing that, frequently, my memories don't seem real UNLESS I can "smell" them. I guess this plays into the "dream" mindset I have due to dissociation and trauma. Sight and sound and touch are all very easily "imagined" and "abstract" and oneirataxic almost by nature, to me. But SMELL? THAT MAKES THINGS CONCRETE AND REAL. So when I walk into that house and the FIRST thing that hits my brain like an airbus from hell is the STINK OF CATS AND FILTH, my immediate survival instincts kick in screaming to GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. But I can't. 
"But wait," the invisible audience interjects. "There were no cats in the house until right before your grandmother died. Surely they can't be the biggest trigger, in the big picture?" That's true, they're not. They are the biggest SENSORY OVERWHELM trigger that EXACERBATES my trauma trigger symptoms, because such overwhelm SEVERELY INHIBITS MY CAPACITY TO STAY STABLE. It shakes me up SO BAD that my ability to "calm down" at ALL is almost SHUT DOWN. You know the "spoon theory" metaphor for chronic illness? Well, the clutter and cats take all my spoons and throw them in the litter box. I'm DONE. I CANNOT handle it, sometimes IMMEDIATELY, right out the gate I'm crippled by the sheer amount of junk and the HORRIFYING STINK OF IT ALL. So when I start getting ACTUAL TRAUMA FLASHBACKS, I'm already incapacitated. So this is an extra layer of why "making it look different" does not work-- I am getting ACTIVELY traumatized by how it looks NOW, a totally separate chronological reality that is STACKING DIRECTLY ON TOP OF THE OLD ONE. But I cannot tell her that. It would be completely rude and inconsiderate, even if it is true. I can't make her change, I can't get a dumpster and just chuck everything in the bin on a massive scale, I can't get rid of the cats, I can't get rid of all her clothes and toys and things. I can't say or do anything about it. Hence feeling "mute" and desperately trying to "passively destroy the environment" through the eating disorder, I suppose?? 
I cannot talk about "taste" as a trigger because the eating disorder is a whole unique hell of its own.
But... there's another very particular and hellish extra problem with the smell of the house, and that problem is mom herself. There is a very particular odor that HER objects have that TERRIFIES ME TO THE GUTS. I've been trying to talk this out with the paidifoni but they are SO SCARED that the data is a jumbled screaming crash of static deathterror and we can't get anywhere far without Wreckage showing up and demanding what the heck I'm doing, rightly so. But... deep down, as tragic and disturbing as it is, there is the fact that she herself scares the living daylights out of me/us, and explicitly in a SENSORY manner. Her smell, her "texture" (feel of clothes/ skin, weight, position in space), her voice, all TERRIFY ME in such a deep subconscious "survival fear" way that the mere thought of them makes "me" start sobbing and hyperventilating like a panicked child. WHY. I have not been able to figure this out. But it's the most intense fear we have, in a sensory respect, even worse than the immediate environmental ones in the house. Her perceptible form and its accompanying sensory data are just... utterly frightening to me in such a visceral way that I might stop screaming and never stop. I cannot escape. I cannot run. I am trapped in that sensory space. I am going to die and I cannot get out PLEASE HELP HELP HELP---- and THAT is what happens when I bring up the SMELL DATA, which is inextricably linked to the "space data." I need a better word for that. I... I tend to remember people by the space they take up. It's unique, it's hard to explain. I struggle to remember faces and voices often, but for some reason, even when thinking about grandma, I remember her smell, I remember how it felt when she stood next to me in a room, the shape and weight of her arms, the contours of her bony hands, her weight when I carried her, the texture and scent of her hair, what it felt like to kiss her face and head. I remember contact data. And even with my brothers, the first "data" I can access in memory is smell. I remember doing the laundry for the family and being so pleased that with my eyes closed, I could tell exactly whose clothes I was hanging up by the scent of each one. That data still sticks, although it's from childhood, and probably doesn't match them now... I wouldn't know; I haven't been close to any of them in years, and that is so sad. It breaks my heart. But... I can't do anything about that either; people change and places change and yet the space is the same. That's what it all comes back to, for me, in the end. The house is in the same space. Their souls are still in the same bodies. I'm looking at this lamp on my desk and my brain registers it as "not real" solely because it's just a visual, and even when I touch it it just registers as "interesting data" detached from the reality of it as an object?? But lightbulbs have a smell. And THAT makes it "click" as real. So many scents are so subtle, so small. And, also, now that I have touched the lamp, when I RECALL the data in my head, THEN it feels "real"? NOT in space, but IN MIND specifically. That's SO WEIRD. It's like... things only "exist" in a verifiable manner if I internalize them, somehow. 
Anyway. That's why the sensory memory triggers are scarier than the actual things, sometimes. I can be around my mom at the house and not have a meltdown, but the INSTANT the sensory data is recalled I have a MELTDOWN, even if the recall happens seconds after the exposure. It's because NOW the data is INTERNAL and THEREFORE IT REGISTERS AS "INFECTION"!!!! Oh dude I think THAT'S IT. Once something is INTERNAL we can NO LONGER RUN OR GET AWAY. It's like CANCER. It's... it's the damned rape analogy again. "It's been forced into us, and we cannot get it out, and we are ruined." 
And that's what happens with the house, I suppose. Even though it looks different, and even has new different smells (however disturbing they are), the old data is still there too, and will ALWAYS be there, because ultimately it's STILL THE SAME HOUSE, and I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT, and I am so sorry mom but until I can figure out how the heck to get a grip on it I do NOT want to come over for Thanksgiving because it will be ALL OF THAT PLUS HAVING TO EAT. 

...We're back at square one. The worst, deepest, scariest, most pervasive and hellish fear is food. It's the ultimate amalgamation of all horrors. It is sight AND smell AND touch AND sound rolled into one PLUS TASTE, which NOTHING ELSE HAS naturally, unless you're a weird child like I was and look for it anyway, just to "know." But naturally, food is the only thing that hits EVERY PANIC BUTTON AT ONCE, and the most distressing part of it is that GUESS WHAT, YOU CANNOT EVER RUN AWAY FROM EATING. I have tried, believe me, that's the whole anorexia bit. It doesn't work for very long. The body is designed to need food and I HATE THAT SO MUCH but it's true. 
I'm losing my focus. I apologize. I guess I cannot dive into this topic right now because we're getting the "dissociative flight response" at the attempt. 
So here's what I'll say. I do not want to go over mom's house for Thanksgiving because I do not want to eat in that house ever again. I do not feel safe in that house the way it is, and having to EAT and therefore "SWALLOW THE FILTH" as well would kill me on some very real level. I would NOT be able to prevent a destructive-suicidal binge and purge. I would INEVITABLY feel infected and doomed to die and THEREFORE would "cope" with that by forcing myself to overeat, which would be my ONLY WAY OF "DESTROYING THE THREAT." And then I would throw everything up as my sole means of "conquering/ escaping" the attacker. The minute I swallow even one crumb of ANYTHING in that house environment, I have INGESTED FATAL POISON and the ONLY POSSIBLE OUTCOME is to THROW IT UP. But my brain adds that bizarre EXTRA step of, "since I'm already poisoned and will already have to vomit, I should take advantage of this opportunity and DESTROY AS MUCH FOOD AS I CAN." Why? I'm still not sure. I think it might just be "to eliminate all possible future threats of this ever occurring again" as a protective/ defensive mechanism, PLUS "knowing the enemy" so I "burn the terror into my brain" by heightening the traumatic experience as much as I can so that I don't forget it or ever expose myself to that danger again by forgetting just how bad it was. I've noticed that motivation in myself too often. If it's not "bad enough", I'll "justify" it as being "not actually traumatic" and THEREFORE I will "HAVE TO" endure it again, because remember, there's no escape, you WILL be forced into this situation again, but if I make every successive situation as DISASTROUS AS POSSIBLE, maybe my abusers will get FED UP WITH ME and LET ME GO FINALLY. Is that what I'm doing??? If I destroy enough of their food, and make myself into an appalling enough gluttonous monster, and humiliate and embarrass and inconvenience and shame them badly enough by my behavior, will I FINALLY BE FREE? I think that's the bottom line. I'm just... I just want to get out of there, please, I don't want to go, I don't want to go through hell again, I'm so scared, I don't want to eat. I just want to go home. ...but home doesn't exist anymore, only in memory space, only as a ghost. 

...that's it for tonight. I can't even think about the vacation threat yet. That's so frightening it's shutting my brain down. 

Mom's calling. Time to log off. 

...actually, you know what the worst thing is about all of this?
I love my mom. But I'm so scared of her on some deep awful level. I don't know why. When she calls I want to cry and scream and run and yet I wish no harm on her whatsoever, I am happy she's my mom, I am so happy that she's happy with the house, but I can't go up there because I'm scared of it too. I like seeing her and spending time with her but afterwards I utterly collapse and feel so dirty and wrong and I don't know why. 
I WANT to share Thanksgiving with her and the family. I WANT to be able to eat normal everyday people food with them and not be afraid. I WANT to just... be a part of their lives again, to not be a burden or a freak, to not be so bloody terrified of everything.
But... I can't seem to do it. I am terrified. No matter how hard I try, the food fear kicks in, the mother fear kicks in, the house fear kicks in, and suddenly I'm dissociating and losing time and having meltdowns and acting like a total stranger to both myself and them and then I'm vomiting uncontrollably in the bathroom and begging God not to kill me tonight, please, I am so tired of this, why won't it stop?
...
I don't know how I'm going to get through the next two weeks. I really don't. I cannot imagine any outcome that is safe or painless or happy. Everything ends in horror and suffering and potential death. 
All I can do is just... pray, I guess. All I can do is put it in God's Hands and plead with all my stupid broken frightened heart that He get me through this, and not hurt my family, and please fix me, heal me, somehow. It's either that, or this is going to kill me. 

I need to sleep. I'm exhausted inside and out.
...and that just makes me think of my weird little orange girlfriend who I haven't seen in weeks because apparently my brain has hard-dissociated from TBHU to the point where I am struggling to remember her. 
...I need to... meet her again, really. That's a special joy. But I need to remember and "meet" myself, too. All this stress and terror about family and food, all this survival panic, all this preoccupation with death and disease... it's suffocating me with anxiety that doesn't have a beloved face and heart attached to the name. 
Maybe that's part of why I'm not healing yet. Maybe I really do need to just... bring love into everything. Isn't that the function of a Core, after all? Isn't that the real reason I exist, to begin with? How did Jay do it? How did we live?

There's a lot of work to do, in so many ways, and right now is not the time to start any big projects. Sometimes, I guess, all I can do to live and cope and heal is the next small right thing. Right now, that means letting this poor body sleep, because we have to buy our last safe groceries for the month tomorrow, and we have the privileged beautiful blessing of receiving the Precious Blood at Mass, and it's going to rain too. So there are still good and beautiful things to hope for, untouched amidst all our ridiculous piteous fears and struggles, and that's something I need to focus on, and treasure, and pay attention to.
Tonight I will start by going to bed, where I know my beloved blue angel is waiting for me, as always, knowing full well my torments and tortures and loving me anyway. Not "despite," but... is there even a word? It's just a feeling, something as tangible yet ethereal as a scent memory, something etched into my bones in that way, something lingering and utterly true no matter how much changes on the outside, no matter how many wounds and horrors I have accumulated over the years. He says he is so grateful he has "learned how" to smell things because now he knows what my existence scent is, and... that means a lot to me, so much. It's like how I remember grandma, forever, long after she left this world. It's proof of her, real proof that she was here, and she was unique, and she mattered, and I remember. 
See, this is how I want and need to live on the outside. I'm so tired of this, of the truth of me, being beaten bloody and buried alive under the screaming fears of daily existence. I'm so, so tired.
Step one: go to sleep. Go surrender into soft warmth and love for a while. That's what's real, beneath everything, amidst everything, no matter what. Please, remember that. Hold on to that. It might be the only thing that gets me through any of this-- that certainty, that tangible incredible hope, that touch of God, that tiny glimpse of heaven where nothing is dirty or wrong or scary forever, and everyone is okay, and everyone is safe, and everyone is loved. 
 
God, I just... I wish I could... I wish that being human wasn't so terrifying until then. 

✳ I'm nervous about an upcoming dinner-- Thursday's, my 1 month anniversary here. I chose a DOUBLE side of sweet potato fries for my exchanges, BUT the ENTREE is CHICKEN THIGHS, and I'm afraid this will be a HUGE portion meal. Tonight, they accidentally gave me DOUBLE fries AND chips, and even with a much smaller entree of battered fish (which was DELICIOUS btw), it was SO MUCH FOOD. It was HELLISH. So I'm honestly SCARED of HOW MUCH MORE I'll HAVE to eat on Thursday. Should I ask the nutritionist to swap half of it to potato chips? They're the smallest volume side available that matches the 1C1L exchange ratio. Or should I just "man up" & deal with the consequences of my decision, praying that the cafeteria server gives me smaller serving sizes? ...The silver lining here is that this is all proving to me that I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BINGE. I'm learning to "satisfy" that "hunger" SPIRITUALLY & MENTALLY, instead of neglecting my inner "starvation" & shoving it all into the physical, LIKE I DID IN SLC/ CNC. It LITERALLY STOPS THE COMPULSIVE CRAVINGS, WHEN I DO IT RIGHT = I have to DISCERN the ROOT of that "craving" & MATCH IT METAPHYSICALLY. If I'm craving "sweet" things, then I REALLY am wanting to EXPERIENCE SWEETNESS as a VIRTUE. The "sweetness" of smelling a rose, of embracing a loved one, of listening to beautiful music, of remembering kind words-- THAT is what I TRULY want & HUNGER for, and IF & WHEN I MEET THAT DEEPER NEED/ HUNGER, then I NO LONGER "CRAVE" SWEET FOOD. We've been practicing this & it WORKS. So. We MUST apply this to THURSDAY. WHY are we feeling "obligated" TO eat so many SWEET potato fries? Is it the sweetness? The orange hue? The alleged "comfort" of the starchy texture (cozy, soft)? OR is it a "HEALING" compulsion-- the FEAR of sweet potatoes, the SCARY MEMORY from CNC, the "CHALLENGE" OF eating a large portion, the "fear" that if I eat LESS, I "won't get the data/ understand or remember it"? But WHY IS THAT SO "IMPORTANT" AS TO RISK SUFFERING A FORCED PSEUDOBINGE?? It's UNREASONABLE. The WISER choice, taking PROBABLE ENTREE VOLUME/ CONSUMPTION TIME into consideration, would be to get ONE side of fries & ONE bag of chips. Please, TALK TO THE NUTRITIONIST. Don't chicken out! You REALIZE THAT THIS ILLOGICAL COMPULSION IS THE EATING DISORDER!! And you MUST RECOGNIZE & FIGHT IT IN ORDER TO FUNCTION & TRULY RECOVER. Our GOAL here is to AVOID ALL BULIMIC BEHAVIORS, and FORCING HUGE AMOUNTS OF FRIES-- ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE TERRIFIED OF DOING SO-- IS BINGE BEHAVIOR. So seriously, NO MORE DOUBLING!!!
✳ ALSO. I kind of "DON'T WANT THE CHICKEN"?? I LIKED the meatball parm hoagie, & my brain is fearing, "if I DON'T choose to eat it again NOW, I'll LOSE that chance FOREVER"-- WHICH IS BASED ON THE FRANKLY DISTURBING ASSUMPTION THAT, UPON DISCHARGE, SUCH FOODS WILL AGAIN BE FORBIDDEN. THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF OUR GOAL HERE!!! WHY is food ONLY deemed "ALLOWED/ SAFE" in HOSPITALS?? THAT IS, RIGHT NOW, OUR BIGGEST OBSTACLE TO RECOVERED LIFE. We NEED to figure out WHY these foods (CRITERIA??) "AREN'T SAFE OUTSIDE OF BEING GIVEN BY AUTHORITY" & HOW TO CHANGE that so that WE CAN CHOOSE, FREELY & WILLINGLY, TO EAT THEM, IF WE WANT TO. ...and we ALSO KEEP CRUSHING OUR NEWLY REALIZED "LIKES." Deep down we're AFRAID, STILL, that these LEGITIMATELY GOOD FOODS are "BAD." I don't want to think that anymore. BREAD & TOMATO SAUCE & CHEESE & MEAT ARE GOOD! So WHY, when COMBINED into a "SUB," do they become "FEARFUL"? AND YET WE WANT TO EAT IT HERE? God I am so tired. What's the root? I enjoy things here. Why "will" they become "threats" out in society? I don't want to live in fear again. What should I do? SHOULD I SWITCH the entree?? Because we get chicken SO OFTEN. If it's just "plain chicken" then it's "not new data," but WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT?!? Why am I LEGIT "SCARED" OF NOT eating the meatball parm? Does that feel like DENYING the "LIKE"??? I'm ALSO worried about the MEMORY TIES. The sub tastes JUST LIKE SPAGHETTI MEATBALLS & that taste is tied to CHURCH & CHILDHOOD & FAMILY, ESPECIALLY GRANDPA. ...but meatball subs are SPECIFICALLY tied to CNC... and the day we went SO FAR OUT OF OUR WAY to SECRETLY GIFT KRIS with one... and Oliver DIDN'T want or like it. Oh Kris DID, he DEVOURED it & he was DEEPLY TOUCHED by our sincere & unexpected gesture of care & ACKNOWLEDGING the REALITY of HIM, that HE WAS REAL & MATTERED to us, and... Lord I think I WILL switch the entree. Meatball sub for CNC. Sweet potato fries for CNC. Let's PLEASE ADMIT THE LOVE we DID and obviously STILL HAVE FOR THEM because WITHOUT it-- if we KEEP DENYING & HIDING & AVOIDING that TRUTH-- we will NEVER HEAL. We will NEVER LIVE, because THAT IS REALITY-- that LOVE EXISTS DESPITE ALL ODDS & ONLY LOVE CAN FORGIVE. ONLY LOVE CAN SHOW MERCY. Only love can conquer fear. Listen. Chicken is just chicken. Don't be one. Don't lose this opportunity for mere novelty's sake. Sacrifice the heartless datalogging & get some REAL input. Food IS all about Communion after all.

Hack nightmare last night. Then I fell half-asleep and who was there protecting & guiding me to safety but LAURIE. Except her name registered clearly as LAUREL, and her color was PURPLE. But she was AS SHE WAS MEANT TO BE-- a Knight, a guardian angel, a Protector in truth, NOT a chummy conversation partner. She kept a separation between us without separating us. She didn't blunt her edges or parrot vapid platitudes. She didn't try to sugarcoat or mollycoddle or make things palatable, because she DIDN'T NEED TO. The strength of her presence, the fierce unspoken LOVE in her very existence, was profound comfort. SHE was all I needed-- no placating, no chatter, just her, as I RECOGNIZE her. It meant the universe to me.

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Breakfast today made us realize that a LOT of our mealtime dissociation IS SHEER SENSORY OVERWHELM. Honestly I loathe the television, but it serves as "distracting noise" for the anxious group. The same goes for conversation. And I see & respect how that works for them. BUT, I have different "needs". I "need" QUIET FOCUSED SLOW SOLITUDE, to eat MINDFULLY & PROCESS THE DATA. I cannot do that very well here, but I AM trying my best. I must be PATIENT & UNDERSTANDING & GENTLE (CLOAK) towards everyone. They are NOT "AGAINST" MY HEALING just because the majority needs are different. I need to discuss this with my treatment team perhaps. I need to properly discern WHICH "needs" CAN be either sacrificed for the common good or somehow compromised/ altered for the sake of submissive obedience, WITHOUT SUCH A DECISION CONTRIBUTING TO DISORDERED HABITS & HARMFUL STATES OF MIND? How much "agency" do I truly have here? Am I overestimating, assuming I CAN "just reprogram myself" or "suppress my alleged needs" on a dime? Or am I underestimating, and I REALLY DO NEED ACCOMMODATION if ONLY to PREVENT the further HABITUATION/ RE-EMPHASIZING of behaviors that, although seemingly neutral to others, are LEAVING MENTAL BRUISES that are SETTING BAD "FOUNDATIONS" for FURTHER HARM that I WOULD NOT HAVE SUFFERED OUTSIDE OF THIS ENVIRONMENT? THAT'S why I'm scared. I hate the TV. I fear the overwhelm. I'm literally getting sick from all the processed packaged food. I DON'T WANT MY BODY REBUILDING ITSELF FROM GARBAGE & CHEMICALS. I want to GET OUT OF HERE & FEED IT MYSELF & I DON'T WANT TO HURT IT. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT. God what do I do? I can't start refusing meals. I'm determined to eat 100%, if only for obedience. Can God redeem these efforts? IF NOTHING from outside can make me "unclean," can God ALSO prevent those outside things from making my body a trash heap?
✳ "You are what you eat" BUT I'M NOT BEING GIVEN A CHOICE. MY BODY'S "IDENTITY" IS LITERALLY BEING DECIDED BY OTHERS & FORCED UPON ME. IT'S SEX ABUSE. IT'S A LIVING NIGHTMARE. Why ELSE do you think we started purging?? WE CAN'T SAY "NO". WE MUST "BE A GOOD GIRL" & TAKE IT. We MUST OBEY. But WHY??? WHAT IS THE ACTUAL GOAL HERE?? Obedience for its own sake? Denial of self in order to be an extension of others? or their toy/ science project? In the end, what will this make ME? Can I LIVE with that? Does it even matter? IF "we're not meant for this world" BUT "our BONES will be resurrected," where does one draw the line? How much should I care? And about what things? Does Mark 16:18 apply here? If EVERYTHING is really just a different form-combination of the BASIC MINERALS & CHEMICALS that GOD created, then CAN GOD "TRANSFORM" the "poison" of "bad food" INTO its GOOD BASIC STRUCTURAL ELEMENTS? I NEED to have FAITH in that. EVERY CREATED THING IS GOOD AT HEART, AS GOD'S CREATION. They may become broken & distorted, yes, BUT CHRIST CAN & DOES REDEEM EVERYTHING... ESPECIALLY FOOD (EUCHARIST)!!

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Laurie pointed out that CONDIMENT FORCING is contributing to meal dissociation/ rushing, so CUT BACK & instead ENJOY THE REALITY of the food AS-IS. The other half IS social-noise-attention anxiety, but we're working on detaching & just eating, NOT trying to "perform."

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Laurie pointed out that I'm compulsively "bingeing" on condiments. I'm FORCING myself to eat them and I REALLY DON'T WANT TO. I'm desperately seeking to accomplish SOMETHING by doing this, but WHAT? What data am I trying to get? Am I? I thought about it with Laurie when she pointed out how I IMMEDIATELY regretted asking for the packets. I realized then that this is most likely APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR. I'm forcing mayo "in restitution" somehow for UPMC mistakes & home misuse. I'm forcing ranch because of both TBAS & grandma. I'm forcing hot sauce as some sort of "identity" tangle, like I'm not allowed to object to it or I'll "change my personality." I don't know why-- no, I do. I'm forcing ketchup because of grandpa & dad & childhood memories. WHAT AM I TRYING TO PROVE OR ACCOMPLISH HERE? What do I think EATING these things will DO, to ME? Are they SYMBOLS?
1) "I need to push fats/ calories" = UPMC talk, STILL. The "need" is DIRECT APPEASEMENT. "Will you be happy with me if I try to make myself gain weight faster?" "Am I being good by showing you that I'm "willing" to make myself fat faster?" Is that a real motive? "I know that adding fat & calories contributes to weight gain. If I "FREELY" CHOOSE to add MORE than I was given, I'm showing them that I'm willing to go "above & beyond" what is expected? to PUSH myself HARDER, even to the LIMIT? They WANT me to eat more & gain weight, so if I force the process along faster, to GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT, I'll be "good"?? Is that what I'm so desperate for? They don't "love me" for it. They MIGHT "like me" SOLELY because I pleased them by conforming myself to their mandated expectations, & surpassing them, but it'd be a "like" based on UTILITY, or even just egotism? "We like you because you don't resist us. You always do exactly what we desire, & even take the initiative to further please us. You'll do." Until I hit goal weight & I'm no longer needed or interesting or wanted & I get tossed out with the trash, with all the other toys that aren't fun anymore, with all the other useless excess. Then what? NOW who sees me as good? Who do I please by my servile obeisance & self-denial now? What in the world am I trying to do? It's because this E.D. recovery, AND the disorder itself, make me feel like my MORAL WORTH AND STANDING are DEFINED BY MY BODY SIZE & SHAPE. Everyone WANTS me to be FAT, like ALL the sexually horrifying women that have traumatized me over the years. But WHY? Do THEY want to sexualize ME? to "fatten me up" to be KILLED & DEVOURED? What does forcefeeding me do for them? If MY CHOICES to eat made them FURIOUS, then WHY is THEIR forcing me to eat TONS MORE, but by THEIR CHOICE & CONTROL, not only "allowed" but PRAISED & even ORDERED? My OBEDIENCE is ALWAYS in SUBMITTING to CONTROL that INVOLVES CONTROL OF MY BODY. THEY get to manipulate it as THEY wish, and I as a PERSON DON'T GET TO EXIST. I can't say no. I "NEED" to eat all these condiments that I don't like but OTHER people do because I HAVE to like EVERYTHING and I'M ONLY A GOOD GIRL if I do so AND GET FAT, because... why? Is being not-fat offensive? Mind you I DON'T WANT TO BE "THIN." Even being "skinny" is deeply shameful. I want to be STRONG. NOT FAT. The difference is EFFORT & DISCIPLINE vs. SLOTH & INDULGENCE. But... they keep telling me to "gain weight" & "fill out" and I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A SEXUAL "WOMAN." Do I have ANY other options? And then WHY do I see fat/ chunky/ fullbodied/ "shortstack" women as BEAUTIFUL? I just can't BE ONE, or I "CAN'T LOVE THEM," somehow. I'll lose myself. That's NOT ME. I need to be... what? NOT skinny & frail. No, I want to LOVE & PROTECT PEOPLE. I NEED to be BIG in order to be STRONG. But THIS behavior is SKEWED. It's NOT protein or vitamins. It's FAT, & it's "NONFOOD" EXCESS. It's just an attempt to affect NUMBERS & APPROVAL, NOT HEALTH!

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Higher meal plans have 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY. That's SCARY amounts of sugar! And honestly, that's WHY I QUIT IOP LAST YEAR. This is a BIG OBSTACLE if I am REQUIRED to follow the meal plan, both psychologically AND financially. So we MUST face this NOW, and find the ROOT FEARS so we can deal with it MATURELY & RESPONSIBLY instead of being blindsided by kneejerk panic. We NEED to UNDERSTAND our fears about FRUIT & SUGAR, NOTABLY because we've realized that MOST FRUITS REGISTER AS FEAR FOODS, NOT mere challenges or aversions!
✳ There's a LOT as to WHY. SUGAR is one. MESSINESS (JUICE) is another. SEX ASSOCIATIONS are also significant. But WHY is SUGAR "EVIL/ DANGEROUS"?? IS IT BECAUSE OF THE SEX ABUSE/ TRAUMA? DID THIS BEGIN WITH CHOCOLATE??

✳ An AVERAGE of 2 FRUITS per meal is UNREALISTIC WITH VOLUME to my current understanding. The only way to "consolidate" is through JUICE (no fiber, glucose spike) or DRIED FRUIT (no water, glucose spike). SO we have to PREVENT GI SPIKES by BOOSTING FIBER in the rest of the meal, as well as fats?? If we are allowed to. This is much easier at breakfast; dinner will be tricky UNLESS we do something COMPLIMENTARY? Like a compote or "sauce" side?? It's too complicated & unnecessary though. I want & arguably NEED to have a SIMPLE, PLAIN, STRAIGHTFORWARD diet.
✳ We NEED to LIMIT our OPTIONS for the sake of PRUDENCE, SIMPLICITY, & AFFORDABILITY. Find what is NUTRITIOUS that DOESN'T cause "illness" (like IBS flares & toothaches), AND that we GENUINELY LIKE-- because LEARNING TO HAVE PREFERENCES & ALLOW MYSELF TO LIKE THINGS AND HAVE THEM WITHOUT PUNISHMENT is a KEY PART OF RECOVERY-- and STICK TO IT BRO!!
✳ So, AS OF TODAY, what DO we like? What do we have RIGHT NOW to work with? What are our BIGGEST OBSTACLES, the FEARS that are LIMITING OUR TRUE FREEDOM-- freedom TO CHOOSE WHAT IS GOOD? (Freedom is FOR GOD, freedom TO GLORIFY & OBEY our treatment plan & NOT FEAR CREATION)
✳ We legit REALLY like DRIED CHERRIES, FRESH FIGS, BLACK & RED GRAPES, and that's all I can think of, which is upsetting. There is SO MUCH FEAR TOWARDS FRUIT, and it's tied to DEATH & POISON for the most part. It ROTS SO FAST and I am SO USED to ALL the fruit at the old homestead being ROTTEN & MUSHY & MOLDED & LEAKING & WORM INFESTED & SMELLING LIKE DECAY. And DRIED fruit would be STALE & RANCID & FULL OF DIRT & HAIR & BUGS. This is WHY I get kneejerk "poison" aversion to MELONS, RAISINS, PEACHES, BANANAS, etc. Pomegranates, coconut, cranberries, etc. are similar, as are ALL clamshell berries. I am NOT used to ACTUALLY FRESH FRUIT. My childhood default was ROTTING, either through being left out on the table or forgotten in the refrigerator or on the porch. But that's the root of the poison fear. And it's sad, because it is BASED ON A LIE-- FRUIT IS NATURALLY FRESH & GOOD & HEALTHY & PURE. It's the FOOD OF EDEN!!! I SHOULD BE EATING FRUITS! That would SERIOUSLY be a PRIESTLY act on my part-- RESTORING the TRUE DIGNITY that GOD INTENDED to fruits, as I HEAL my experience of them by experiencing them AS GOOD, & offering that PRAISE TO GOD with HEAVEN in mind-- the "RETURN to the TRUE GARDEN" where CHRIST is the FRUIT OF LIFE!! So THERE'S your motivation & holy battle plan. HEAL = LOVE.
✳ Remember we STILL DO HAVE TO PLAN FOR THE MEALPLAN! And that MUST BE SUSTAINABLE. THAT fruit choice group HAS to be REALISTICALLY AFFORDABLE, LOCALLY ACCESSIBLE, COMPLIMENTARY TO OUR OTHER FOODS, & REASONABLY ENJOYABLE. ALL the fruits that DON'T fit those criteria (like papaya, dragonfruit, melon, etc.) MUST STILL BE HEALED, EVEN IF THEY DON'T BECOME A REGULAR PART OF OUR DIET, because ANY inclusion OR "exclusion" from the grocery list MUST COME FROM A PLACE OF FREEDOM & GRATEFUL APPRECIATION, NOT AVERSION OR FEAR! And NO FORCING, EITHER-- that's DISRESPECTFUL & CRUEL! "Not eating" a fruit for legit reasons ISN'T A SIN. Remember that "fasting" IS HOLY. It's STILL AN OFFERING OF GOODNESS TO GOD IN GRATITUDE, BY NOT EATING IT! EVEN THAT CAN BE DONE FOR HIS GLORY. So don't worry. Do what you NEED to do for your body's health & recovery, & do it in FREEDOM, LOVE, & PEACE.

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✳ MAPLE is "TREE BLOOD" and IT'S RESONATING. There's a girl forming to hold it! Her hue is hovering CERISE? NOT Orange? And Brown seems obvious but doesn't match the flavor? It's too unclear yet. BUT I WONDER if DUOTONE NOUSFONI ARE POSSIBLE in this "new era." We'll see!
✳ She WEARS cerise & vermilion accents? But her BASE reso IS BROWN? There's only one way to know for sure-- EAT SYRUP AGAIN & FEEL FOR HER IN RESONANCE WITH IT. The two HAVE TO MATCH. Remember that for ALL Lotophagoi = they NEED THE FOOD DATA IN ORDER TO ANCHOR TO IT AS A FUNCTION!

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We keep getting chocolate chip cookies for snack and the data keeps blurring out completely. Laurie said, if you're AFRAID of the chocolate again & labeling it as BAD, then you HAVE to face it & HEAL it with LOVE & GRATITUDE. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!

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I left my books under the soap dispenser & Paula accidentally got soap all over my softcover book, permanently altering it & smudging the words inside. I saw it as "ruined" because it's no longer mint condition & never can be again. I actually felt anger towards her, but it was really anger at myself for leaving it there where it WAS at risk. Then she started frantically apologizing & I didn't know how to explain the situation and everything just felt ugly & wrong & ruined.
↑ I AM GRATEFUL that now that book carries EVIDENCE of my life ACTUALLY going off the rails, & since it's SOAP it almost SYMBOLIZES a "washing" me clean of that past-- especially my HANDS, with the neurotic guilt & shame. Secretly I'm so curious to see WHAT words the soap altered; I trust the Holy Spirit WILL speak through it. I'm ALSO grateful that I HAD such an unhealthy reaction because now I HAVE to FACE/ ADMIT/ CONFESS that I STILL REACT THAT WAY, and if I don't deny OR justify it, I CAN combat the vice there & LEARN VIRTUE to DIRECTLY replace/ heal it. (I immediately reached out to her in sincere apology & gentle reassurance. All is well again.)

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Paula won't stop apologizing & it's making me SO BLOODY ANGRY. TBAS did this same exact simpering thing, & that's what it feels like-- cowardly, spineless, jellylegged, piddling, whiny baby asininity. That's BRUTAL judgment and I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS but I do. I can't deny it. I need to deal with it.
WHY does it make me so unreasonably enraged? It feels like forced victimization; it's overly dramatic & it it GUTLESS. It's almost begging for babying.
↑ WE JUDGE OURSELF THIS WAY & IT'S BLEEDING OUTWARDS. We MUST untangle this & PRACTICE COMPASSION or else it will POISON US, making us TOXIC. (I'm sure we already are, with this terrible reaction happening in us so immediately. That makes this a PRIORITY TO HEAL.)

 
HAPPY FIRST DAY OF AUTUMN!!!! 🧡🍁🍂🎃

Unbelievable panic all morning.
Completionist prayer triggered
Started saying Seven Swords Chaplet but interrupted by mom phone, then had to do morning responsibilities and make breakfast. Prayer looming over head like a thunderstorm
This is not real prayer. I shouldn't be so afraid that I'm literally shaking. I'm afraid that if I don't say them at the right time, or in the right order, or in the right way, I WILL DIE. GOD WILL KILL ME. It's not just fear of punitive consequences, it's the conviction that the consequences are LITERALLY DEATH.
...

Daily devotionals both reassuring & convicting.
ttywpf= "Do you recognize the authentic voice of Jesus? Or are you distracted and deceived by other voices in the world?" Emphasizing that recognition comes THROUGH PRAYER. Shook me to the bone. What am I doing wrong?
odb= The sower parable & the sower's LAVISH scattering of love & grace: NO JUDGING if the soil is "worthy," or "most likely to grow," or "will the seed be wasted," or "scrutinizing the soil." He "Gives without counting the cost, Makes his offering without worrying about what will happen to his gift once given." He loves "Freely lavishly generously" and calls US to GIVE LOVE the same way, ALSO "not clinging to the hope of results, But trusting in God to bring good fruit where He will." VERY IMPORTANT.
obob= weeding the heart harden of briars & thorns. WE HAD A FONI BY THAT NAME IN CNC????????
Weed out CARES, RICHES, & PLEASURES. 
Notable distinction on the last:  "The Lord wants us to enjoy ourselves sometimes. Yet we must not live for pleasures but for Him, Even if this means we will suffer greatly." "If you do not weed your Briar patch you will never never bear good fruit and never have a harvest."
THE THORNS PREVENT THE SEED FROM MATURING. But the seed IS THERE!!!

VOTD about mercy. Hurts our heart so much.
We... don't understand mercy yet. No enough. Not deeply enough. The examples they listed are a punch to the gut.
"Maybe you owed someone money, but they decided to cancel your debt. Maybe you hurt someone you love, but they gave you another chance. Maybe you made a huge mistake, but you received forgiveness instead of punishment."
NOPE, NOPE, AND NOPE.
We've never known that. We're used to grudges & payback & "you'll get what you deserve!" from others.
We treat ourself the same way.
Which is ironic, because THE SYSTEM ISN'T LIKE THAT!!!!!!
...
...We will never be treated with mercy outside, unless we SHOW mercy outside. 

Especially with prayer, we are fatally UNMERCIFUL. Which is dreadfully ironic.
Our childhood was like this, though. It has very old, very powerful, very knotted roots.
....

Oh man but this is EVERY SINGLE FEAR THAT'S BEEN SUFFOCATING US THIS MORNING =
"Because we are imperfect sinners who have all fallen short of God's glorious standards, we all deserve death. We all deserve punishment. We all deserve to be eternally separated from God."
"To be clear, grace and mercy, while similar, aren't the same. Grace is getting what you don't deserve (an unwarranted gift) while mercy is not getting what you do deserve (judgment and wrath)."

BUT WE KEEP FORGETTING THIS =

“BUT God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!” (Ephesians 2:4-5 NLT)
Jesus is passionate about justice and righteousness while simultaneously fervent about grace and mercy.
That's why He paid the ultimate price for us—so that we could truly live. That's why He conquered the grave—to mercifully save our souls. That's why He sent His Spirit—so that we could also show mercy.
Jesus HAS shown us mercy! And now we can offer it to others."

...

Kids devotional =
"You ARE a leader, and what you do and say matters for so many people... Who could you protect, help, care for, or encourage this week?  The more you do that, the more you'll be living like the greatest Shepherd of all."

While praying, we've sadly noticed that we STILL get "misogynistic angerfear" at certain portrayals of MARY?????? Which is SO SAD and also SINFUL, so DO NOT ENTERTAIN IT. You know it's a devilish lie so SHUT IT DOWN.
Actually, no. Human anger does not serve the purposes of God. When a nousfoni starts feeling that angerfear, FIND THEM and send them to the Cross to ADMIT IT. You'd be surprised how quickly they start EXPRESSING THEIR FEELINGS; they know they can TRUST CHRIST.
It's very sad & deeply upsetting that we still struggle with this. But thank God anyway for His grace in our continued healing-- remember how only a few years ago we were TERRIFIED OF MARY and wouldn't even say the Rosary! And yes, there's still knee-jerk stubborn resistance to that too, but it's from childhood punishment. It doesn't stop us now. We have too much BEAUTIFUL TRUTH in experience now to OVERRIDE IT.
And THAT is whats helping us heal our "female fear" OF Mary, too-- because there are SOME portrayals of her that, just as instinctively, RECOGNIZE AS "MOTHER." And that is HUGE. It shows that we CAN & DO grasp & perceive the concept, despite our mangled experience. There is an innate "knowing" and it is REALIZED IN MARY and we CAN DO SO. Do not downplay the significance of that.
As for which portrayals "register" for us? BACE, La Salette, Perpetual Help, ALL Orthodox images of her, Our Lady of Sorrows, our prayer card of Pontmain, and sometimes actually Guadalupe?  I'm sure there are more if we will look.
POST EXAMPLES.
We really struggle with "round soft white adult woman" portrayals of her, probably due to abuse.
And yet... what a perfectly divine doorway to learn how TO love such women.
Mary chooses to look like them, too. She loves them just as much as she loves me. And yes, she DOES love me.
Gosh there are LAYERS to this problem, I'm seeing. Thank You God for showing me this. (I swear it's the Seven Swords Chaplet graces kicking in already)
...

Church
GORGEOUS PSALM. Recorded it
Face hymn too-- In Christ Alone. Such beautiful low notes to sing. I realize we "push" the lower hums into our nose?? They resonate better. Singing low takes "our whole self"; we feel absorbed in it, just like playing cello. Thank You God for this blessing.
Shockingly SWEET Eucharist, right after the Saint Ambrose prayer with those same words

Walmart carrot stop
Brief sidewalk stranded moment. Notably our heart DEFAULTED to TRUST IN GOD & PRAYER, not panic, although we WERE scared; the faith did not kill the honest emotion, whereas social mode would have, & panic would have made it lethal through cancerous overgrowth.

Carrot peeling & Saint Bridget
Bishop Barron ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR SERMON. All about TRUE MERCY, UNDESERVED GRACE, GOD'S PURE JUSTICE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, and THE TRUTH OF HEAVEN-- "the way IS the destination"!
Spotlight on SAINT DISMAS!
Honestly it all meant SO MUCH TO US. We've been deeply upset by the "I busted my ass all my life to be good, I deserve my reward" and "its not fair to absolve THAT guy, let him rot in hell where he belongs" ugly mindsets we've heard thrown around by fellow Christians.
...We do have love, we must admit, by grace. But not enough.
We still are "working for a reward" with all this praying panic. We're not seeing it as a privilege or a joy just yet-- at least, not all the time. With the altar prayers & cards we often would. But with the "daily grind" we're doing with all the Chaplets... why is that more exhausting? Hm. Reflect on this.
In any case WHAT A HOMILY. League relevance too!!
Listen to it again soon. Type about it more.


There is a small child singing the alphabet song right below our window. It's adorable.

The air smells like heaven. Autumn always does. There was evrn some fog yesterday morning too, on the rooftops, as we ran to Mass.
The leaves are starting to turn. I can feel our heart turning ruby-gold with jubilant wonder along with them.

...Xenophon is letting herself grow older.
When she was still hoping her dad was the Core, she stayed young, like she was when he in turn stayed out front. But... that was over 5 years ago, man.
Now, she's staying upstairs more, considering what growing up means for her, even quietly considering a League move what with her Moralimon genetic resonance... it's such a big change, starting slowly for sure, but evidently the first glimpses of something lifealteringly massive.
We all need to grow up, really.
...our fear of maturity is fused with the trauma, though. So it's inevitable that we face it at last, especially as we mature spiritually. Dont be afraid though. God will help us. We never were open to that before, let alone able to receive it... but we still have a long way to go. Even so, He holds our hand and leads us. "And I am certain that God, Who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6. Remember that verse. He won't stop mid-job. In His faithfulness, you have solid hope for finally healing this-- you can even bank on it. He can do what you cannot, and if you let Him, He WILL. Thank God for this new and humbling grace to grow into. 

this month has been ALL ABOUT RELIGIOUS READING and so there is a rather overwhelming ton of sheer "faithpasting" in the daily entry log.

to avoid such cluttering, and to keep the visible train of thought apparent between topics and scripture study progression, we have decided to post them all into one bulk entry for the month-- or at least, as many as we can fit in here.

HOWEVER, uniquely, this month ALSO includes extensive PERSONAL COMMENTARY on most pastes. that makes this entry less of a databank and more of a sincere record of our faith journey over the past 30 days.

may God continue to guide us and bless us all together in His love.

(these entries MIGHT actually be moved into their own entries after all, ONCE we write proper commentary on them and so can stand alone. As of right now, this is just a proper bank for keeping them all together.)

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0904

"The “Ecce Homo” of these Christians was unmarked by horror and outrage. [But] An adequate picture of the human Christ will not exclude those deep lines of suffering which came through His voluntary Self-abasement."


BIBLE STUDY GAME CHANGER!!!!!!

"17. Therefore ] Better, On this account , or, For this cause (12:18, 27). See on 7:22 and 8:47, and comp. 5:16, 18, 6:65. The Father’s love for the incarnate Son is intensified by the self-sacrifice of the Son. // ...that I might take it again ] literally, in order that I may take it again . This clause is closely connected with the preceding one: ‘that’ depends upon ‘because.’ ⭐⭐Only because Christ was to take His human life again was His death such as the Father could have approved. Had the Son returned to heaven at the Crucifixion leaving His humanity on the Cross, the salvation of mankind would not have been won, the sentence of death would not have been reversed, we should be ‘yet in our sins’ (1 Corinthians 15:17 ). Moreover, in that case He would have ceased to be the Good Shepherd: He would have become like the hireling, casting aside his duty before it was completed. The office of the True Shepherd is not finished until all mankind become His flock; and this work continues from the Resurrection to the Day of Judgment."⭐⭐
THIS IS WHY I READ LIKE 15 COMMENTARIES!!!!

And
"He and His sheep have most intimate knowledge of one another; therefore these Jews asking who He is prove that they are not His sheep."
Like sheep asking a man, "are you my shepherd or not?" But how would they NOT know?
They haven't been paying any attention to him, or to their care; they take it for granted; they are deaf or blind; they reject a shepherd's basic authority & reality???
But a sheep doesn't need to ask! They RECOGNISE-- not only the shepherd BUT ALSO THEIR FELLOW SHEEP???
By this question they prove they AREN'T EVEN SHEEP???

"the gift of eternal life is regarded as already possessed by the faithful. It is not a promise , the fulfilment of which depends upon man’s conduct, but a gift , the retention of which depends upon ourselves... Christ’s sheep cannot be taken from Him against their will; but their will is free, and they may choose to leave the flock."

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Salvation by GRACE & DEATH = shepherd die as a sheep for the sheep = WHY? Because sacrifice was "life for life" : human nature corrupted by original sin could NOT go back to God; tainted? Had no inherent goodness to change itself. Needed CHRIST infusing HIS nature INTO OURS. His death in our place through UNITY with Him = brings US to life again???
DON'T FORGET "through the blood of the everlasting covenant" !!!

"the Good Shepherd who died for us, and by whose stripes we are healed, has now become the Great Shepherd who lives for us... Thus it is that Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd, who gave us life, through His blood; is now risen indeed, and is reaching down to give us strength to live for Him, in a life well pleasing in His sight."


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0908

Mimic & Julie both moved by today's new devotional =
(Chosen at random; just so happened to reference today's gospel reading)

"[Jesus's] genealogy is full of blemishes and reveals that the most unlikely characters are part of Jesusʼ story... [several are] Gentile women, considered unclean and racial outsiders, [and] most of them have scandalous pasts... How are they in the family? How are they part of the story of Jesus? Although itʼs shocking and counterintuitive, itʼs what makes Christmas good news! Once considered outsiders they are now included in the family of God.
"Jesus is the great reconciler and allows our story to be woven into to his. Christmas announces that we all can have a new story, regardless of who we are or what we have done. Maybe youʼve always felt like you were on the outside. God wants you to be included. Jesus alone makes this a reality. His story can be your story!"

This hits US hard for our history (sx/ed) =
"Jesus wept... Behold how He loved him! Loved him, what does that mean? 'I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.' (Matthew 9:13) But some of them said, 'Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not die?' But He, who would do nought to hinder his dying, had something greater in view in raising him from the dead."

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0909

Just got THIS shocker of a commentary=
"In the voice of indignation appears the hope of resurrection; in truth Jesus foresaw that He because of the raising up of Lazarus would be crucified by the envious Pharisees; yet not allowing this to stand in the way, He determined to raise him up; which act of heroic fortitude He allowed to be manifested in this groan. So soldiers groan when battle is near, and excite and sharpen their anger for the difficult and perilous combat that is imminent; for their anger is the whetstone of valour and bravery. Hence also we, when temptation, whether of the devil, the flesh, and the world, threatens, should sharpen our anger against them, that we may overcome the temptation; for by anger is concupiscence overcome, though the difficulty of the task be great."
TAKE THAT, ALL YOU PETULANTLY PACIFISTIC THRISKEFONI!!!!
THIS ALSO EXPLAINS DISTURBINGLY PERFECTLY WHY THEIR EFFECTIVELY FORCING LAURIE TO "NOT BE ANGRY" IS LITERALLY KILLING HER!!!!!

THIS IS SUPER INTERESTING AND HELPS EXPLAIN WHY YESTERDAY DISTURBED US=
"Christ, as he was truly man, had the affections and passions of human nature; yet so that he was master, even of the first motions, which could not raise in him any disturbance or disorderly inclinations. He permitted, therefore, and, as it is said, raised in himself these affections of compassion and grief at this time. "
"He permitted freely and willingly to Himself the strong feeling both of indignation, as already mentioned, and of commiseration and tears, because of the common lamentation of Martha, Mary, and the rest; for it would have been inhuman not to grieve and sympathise with them. For them therefore Jesus was troubled.
Note these passions of indignation, sorrow, commiseration, and weeping, were in such a manner in Christ as not to overbear His reason and will, or to arise unbidden as they are aroused with us; but rather to follow His reason, and to be ruled and excited by it. On which account right reason always used to direct and regulate them. Therefore [S. John] says, He troubled Himself (turbavit Seipsum); not, He was troubled. Wherefore these passions were in Christ not so much passions, as feelings in place of passions, freely taken... For Christ was able as He chose to excite them, to soften, to moderate, to rule, to direct... the misery therefore of Lazarus and of all men excited the pity of Christ, the pity excited indignation against such troubles, the indignation increased the pity, and at the same time with it aroused zeal, and a purpose of taking away those troubles, even with the casting away of His own life by the death upon the Cross, by which so great a benefit was alone to be purchased, according to what Isaiah says (63:4-5), “The day of vengeance is in my heart . . . and my fury it upheld me.”"
"Christ became all things to all men; poor to the poor, rich to the rich, weeping with the weeping, hungering with the hungry, thirsting with the thirsty, full with the abounding; He is in prison with the poor man, with Mary He weeps, with the Apostles He eats, with the Samaritan woman he thirsts."
EMOTIONS ARE THEREFORE NOT EVIL OR "UNGODLY"!!!!!!!!!
THEY, TOO, CAN SERVE HOLY PURPOSES, IF THEY ARE UNDER THE CONTROL OF CHRIST IN US!!
It is only when they run wild, and are so DISORDERED, that they are harmful. They, too, are affected by the Fall, and THEREFORE ALSO "REDEEMED" BY JESUS. This incident is PROOF.

Geez there is SO MUCH IMPORTANT STUFF here.
Concerning TEARS=
"[Jesus wept, also, so] that adding tears to His speech, He might make it stronger and more efficacious; for tears are a sign of vehement grief and affliction, and also of desire and longing: wherefore God is accustomed to hear and answer prayers seasoned, and as it were armed, with tears. So Christ on the [eve of the] Cross offering up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears, was heard in that He feared. [E. & Heb. V. 7, pro suâ reverentiâ, Vulg.] So Tobit (xii. 12) heard from S. Raphael, “When thou didst pray with tears, and didst bring the dead, . . . I brought thy prayer before the Lord.” So Jacob, wrestling with the angel, obtained a blessing (Gen. xxxii. 29). Wherefore? because he wept and besought him (Hosea xii. 4). “The tears of penitents,” says S. Bernard, “are the wine of angels.” For it is the anguish of the mind in prayer which influences, and as it were compels God to pity, according as it is said, “a contrite and humble heart God shall not despise” (Ps. 51:17); just as the tears of an infant influence the mother, and obtain from her what it asks; for God shows toward us the heart of a mother."
THAT LAST LINE HURTS.

"He was weeping when He saw the pain and the sorrow of humanity, when He saw the pain that His friends Mary and Martha were experiencing as a result of death. And He wept for their grief. Jesus is moved by our infirmities; we have such a great High Priest, who is touched by our weaknesses. He sees us in our frailties. He sees us in our griefs. And He's touched by our feelings of grief and sorrow, by our weaknesses. He's just a loving and compassionate Lord, and One who is moved by our own sorrow and grief. And so, He wept for them."
HE IS NOT INDIFFERENT, COLD, OR CONDEMNING OF EMOTION.
"Then said the Jews, Oh, look how he loved him! ( John 11:36 )They misunderstood completely His weeping too... Jesus wept not for Lazarus. You don't weep for the dead if they are in the Lord."
HE WAS NOT WEEPING FOR LAZARUS, OR FOR HIMSELF!!!!! He was weeping for the pain of THOSE WHO FELT LOSS!!!! It was a SELFLESS, COMPASSIONATE WEEPING, JUST AS MUCH AS IT WAS AN INDIGNANT, RIGHTEOUS WEEPING AT THE POWER OF SIN UNTO DEATH!!!!

"The Son of God sympathises (compatitur), and He weeps; man suffers (patitur), and shall we laugh? ...Christ wept—let man weep for himself: wherefore did Christ weep, unless to teach man to weep? Wherefore did He groan and trouble Himself, except that the faith of man, rightly displeased with himself, should in a manner groan in accusation of his evil works, so that the habit of sinning should yield to the violence of repenting.”

The ENTIRE Lazarus account echoes our miraculous "resurrection" from the tomb-life of the hackers & hijackers

⭐⭐WILLIAM BARCLAY DOES IT AGAIN
"To any, Greek reading this--and we must remember that it was written for Greeks--this would be a staggering and incredible picture. John had written his whole gospel on the theme that in Jesus we see the mind of God. To the Greek the primary characteristic of God was what he called apatheia, which means total inability to feel any emotion whatsoever.
How did the Greeks come to attribute such a characteristic to God? They argued like this. If we can feel sorrow or joy, gladness or grief, it means that someone can have an effect upon us. Now, if a person has an effect upon us, it means that for the moment that person has power over us. No one can have any power over God; and this must mean that God is essentially incapable of feeling any emotion whatsoever. The Greeks believed in an isolated, passionless and compassionless God.
What a different picture Jesus gave! He showed us a God whose heart is wrung with anguish for the anguish of his people. The greatest thing Jesus did was to bring us the news of a God who cares...we are shown the picture of Jesus wrung with anguish as he shared the anguish of the human heart. To the Greek reader that little sentence: "Jesus wept," would be the most astonishing thing in an astonishing story. That the Son of God could weep would be almost beyond belief." 


ELLICOTT=

"He is conscious of the power which He is about to exercise, and that the first result will be the glory of God (John 11:4); but He is conscious also of the suffering hearts near Him, and the sympathy with human sorrow is no less part of His nature than the union with divine strength.
Very different views have been put forth as to the cause of this intensity of emotion in our Lord. The cause supplied by the text is that He saw Mary lying at His feet weeping; and the Jews also weeping which came with her. Real sorrow, which calls forth all His sympathy, is accompanied by the mockery of sorrow, which can shed tears for the brother, whom they afterwards seek to kill (John 12:10)! These Jews are those who had sought to stone their Teacher, and had resolved to cut off from all religious and social intercourse every one who acknowledged Him as the Messiah! With hearts full of hatred they can profess to be comforters, and can mingle their tears with hers. The severest words that fell from the lips of Christ were those which denounced the hypocrisy of priests, Pharisees, and scribes. It is this hypocrisy which now stirs in His spirit an anger so intense that it causes nerve and muscle and limb to tremble beneath its force."


CLARKE WINS THE JACKPOT THOUGH =

"Verse 33.  He groaned in the spirit, c.] Here the blessed Jesus shows himself to be truly man and a man, too, who, notwithstanding his amazing dignity and excellence, did not feel it beneath him to sympathize with the distressed, and weep with those who wept. After this example of our Lord, shall we say that it is weakness, folly, and sin to weep for the loss of relatives? He who says so, and can act in a similar case to the above according to his own doctrine, is a reproach to the name of man. Such apathy never came from God: it is generally a bad scion, implanted in a nature miserably depraved, deriving its nourishment from a perverted spirit or a hardened heart; though in some cases it is the effect of an erroneous, ascetic mode of discipline.
It is abolishing one of the finest traits in our Lord's human character to say that he wept and mourned here because of sin and its consequences. No: Jesus had humanity in its perfection, and humanity unadulterated is generous and sympathetic. A particular friend of Jesus was dead; and, as his friend, the affectionate soul of Christ was troubled, and he mingled his sacred tears with those of the afflicted relatives. Behold the man, in his deep, heart-felt trouble, and in his flowing tears! But when he says, Lazarus, come forth! behold the GOD! and the God too of infinite clemency, love, and power. Can such a Jesus refuse to comfort the distressed, or save the lost? Can he restrain his mercies from the penitent soul, or refuse to hear the yearnings of his own bowels? Can such a character be inattentive to the welfare of his creatures? Here is God manifested in the flesh! living in human nature, feeling for the distressed, and suffering for the lost! Reader! ask thy soul, ask thy heart, ask the bowels of thy compassions, if thou hast any, could this Jesus unconditionally reprobate from eternity any soul of man? Thou answerest, NO! God repeats, NO! Universal nature re-echoes, NO! and the tears and blood of Jesus eternally say, NO!"


HE HAD THE SAME REACTION AS US???????

"Verse 35. Jesus wept. — The least verse in the Bible, yet inferior to none. Some of the ruthless ancients, improperly styled fathers of the Church, thought that weeping was a degradation of the character of Christ; and therefore, according to the testimony of Epiphanius, Anchorat. c. 13, razed out of the Gospel of St. Luke the place (Luke 19:41) where Christ is said to have wept over Jerusalem."


A little more from Matthew Henry =

"First, Of his displeasure at the inordinate grief of those about him, as Mark 5:39: "Why make ye this ado and weep? What a hurry is here! does this become those that believe in a God, a heaven, and another world?" Or, Secondly, Of his feeling sense of the calamitous state of human lie, and the power of death, to which fallen man is subject. Having now to make a vigorous attack upon death and the grave, he thus stirred up himself to the encounter, put on the garments of vengeance, and his fury it upheld him; and that he might the more resolutely undertake the redress of our grievances, and the cure of our griefs, he was pleased to make himself sensible of the weight of them, and under the burden of them he now groaned in spirit. Or, Thirdly, It was an expression of his kind sympathy with his friends that were in sorrow. Here was the sounding of the bowels, the mercies which the afflicted church so earnestly solicits, Isaiah 63:15. Christ not only seemed concerned, but he groaned in the spirit; he was inwardly and sincerely affected with the case. David's pretended friends counterfeited sympathy, to disguise their enmity (Psalms 41:6); but we must learn of Christ to have our love and sympathy without dissimulation. Christ's was a deep and hearty sigh."

He was troubled. He troubled himself; so the phrase is, very significantly. He had all the passions and affections of the human nature, for in all things he must be like to his brethren; but he had a perfect command of them, so that they were never up, but when and as they were called; he was never troubled, but when he troubled himself, as he saw cause. He often composed himself to trouble, but was never discomposed or disordered by it. He was voluntary both in his passion and in his compassion. He had power to lay down his grief, and power to take it again."

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⭐CHRIST, BY THE CROSS, EFFECTIVELY RECREATES MAN.
THE OLD HUMAN NATURE DOOMED TO DEATH DOES DIE IN HIM, WHO THEN REPLACES IT WITH HIS HOLY NATURE???
"Christ should die for the people, i.e., for the salvation of the people; and by His death, as if by the payment of a price, should redeem them from sin, from the devil, from death, and from hell, those, I say, who would otherwise perish eternally... he does not say rather than but for (in behalf of) the people; which properly signifies for the salvation of the people."

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0911

"When we face difficulties – what is God’s timing for getting us through them? We want the timing to be quick and painless. God wants us to grow, mature and develop character that looks like His heart. So His path for us often looks very different than the path we would choose. "

"...they were very right in applying to Christ in this time of need, who is the physician, both of the bodies and souls of men; and are greatly to be commended both for their modesty and piety, in not prescribing to Christ what should be done in this case: and it may be further observed, that such who are the peculiar objects of Christ's love, are attended in this life with bodily sickness, disorders, and diseases, which are sent unto them, not in a way of vindictive wrath, but in love, and as fatherly chastisements; which, as they are designed, so they are overruled for their good; and are to be considered, not as instances of wrath, but as tokens of love."
WE NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.
Those sufferings UNITE US TO THE BODY OF CHRIST; OF COURSE THEY'RE FOR LOVE!!!


"If Jesus was the cause of civil disorder, Rome would descend in all her power, and, beyond a doubt the Sadducees would be dismissed from their positions of authority. It never even occurred to them to ask whether Jesus was right or wrong. Their only question was: "What effect will this have on our ease and comfort and authority?" They judged things, not in the light of principle but in the light of their own career. And it is still possible for a man to set his own career before the will of God."
"...who denied the resurrection of the dead, and was unconcerned about a future state; and [therefore] having no restraint upon him, [spoke] in a bold, haughty, and blustering manner..."
THEY DIDNT BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE, SO THEY WERE ENTIRELY WORLDLY-MINDED!!!!!
OH DUDE WAIT UP--- THEY WERE SPECIFICALLY THREATENED BECAUSE JESUS JUST PROVED THAT THERE IS LIFE BEYOND DEATH!!!!! HE HAD LITERALLY JUST DEALT A DEATHWOUND TO THEIR DOCTRINE. And, utterly insanely, instead of joyfully embracing this liberating hope, they REJECTED IT because it would require an upheaval of their physical life. THEY LITERALLY CHOSE DEATH OVER LIFE.

"They knew about this mortal contest of wills between Jesus and the authorities; and people are always interested in the man who gallantly faces fearful odds. They wondered if He would appear at the feast; and concluded that He could not possibly come: This Galilean carpenter could not take on the whole might of Jewish ecclesiastical and political officialdom. But they had underrated Jesus. When the time arrived for Him to come, nothing on earth would stop Him coming... Whatever else we may say of Jesus, we must bow in admiration before his death-defying courage. For these last days of his life he was the bravest outlaw of all time."
Now THAT is a "western" spin i can get behind!!! WORK WITH THIS. IT'S ABOUT CHRIST!!!

"[In defending his Christian faith,] it was not that Luther was not afraid, for often he made his greatest statements when both voice and knees were shaking; but he had a courage which conquered fear. The Christian does not fear the consequences of doing the right thing; he fears rather the consequences of not doing it."
Feeling this more strongly as time goes on. It's still a crippling fear though, in either direction. We need to fix that properly; it betrays a lack of trust in God, and His Mercy.

Grant's commentary resonating with our own continuing struggles with doubt & religious confusion =

"He answers... "Your brother will rise again" (v.23). But she can think of this as nothing but the orthodox doctrine of a future general resurrection. How little comfort even true doctrine has in it apart from the person of Christ! Marvelous indeed is His reply, "I Am the resurrection and the life." In Him, personally, is the answer to her every need, as of all creation; "I Am" implies His deity, and certainly resurrection and life are resident only in God. He does not merely say that He 'can' raise the dead and give life; [for] this whole subject is, rather, dependent on His Person... The full truth of this could only be manifested in His own (then future) resurrection, but identification with Him by faith was the certain means of one [who in] Him would never die (v.26). That is, the life He gives is not at all subject to death: it continues vital and real, even if natural death takes place. The words He speaks are spirit and they are life, not material and fleshly."
That last line lit a lightbulb? Natural life is SUPPOSED to die; it is material only, subject to decay & change.
But TRUE LIFE ORIGINATES IN GOD, and therefore is SUPPOSED to be eternal, SUPPOSED to be anchored in spirit!!! Our faith is key because we have FREE WILL and WORDS HAVE POWER. "Believe in your heart AND confess with your mouth that Christ is Lord and us RISEN FROM THE DEAD, and SO you will be saved"!! Basically. 
We can all speak "material" words. They do nothing. But Christ is TRUTH and His Word IS LIFE. When we as sheep hear & follow it then we inevitably live!! HIS WORD MADE THE UNIVERSE.

"He asks her, "Do you believe this?" Though doubtless she did not fully understand His meaning, yet her answer is good. She believed Him, for she was persuaded that He was Christ, the Son of God (v.27). What He said, she knew was right, however feeble her understanding may have been."
THAT IS EXACTLY THE SPOT WE'RE IN.
ALSO relevant to today =
"When the Lord commands that the stone be taken away, Martha, allowing her practical mind to take precedence over faith, objects to the removal of the stone (v.39). The Lord firmly reproves her unbelief. Natural thought must not intrude itself when the Lord of glory is working."

"The [religious leaders] then are easily persuaded that it is right to put Christ to death, for they have the plausible excuse of trying to save their nation... Being the willing tools of Satan, they were blinded to the fact that God is in control of all these things."

"And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there,.... At Bethany, before he died, or when he died; because he might have been prevailed upon through the solicitations of his dear friends, Mary and Martha, and through tender affection to Lazarus, to have prevented his death, by rebuking the distemper, and restoring him to health, or to have raised him immediately as soon as he was dead; and in either case the miracle would not have been so illustrious, nor have been such a means of confirming the faith of his disciples, as now it would be: to the intent ye may believe; more strongly, that he was the Son of God, and true Messiah."
THAT IS THE ULTIMATE END OF ALL HIS MIRACLES IN OUR LIFE!!!!!

"Then said the Jews, behold, how he loved him!] Lazarus; for they supposed that these tears were shed purely on his account; and by all circumstances they could not but judge, that they proceeded from an hearty and sincere affection to him; and it was amazing to them, that his love to him should be so strong, when he was no relation, only, as they imagined, a common friend. 
Christ's love to all his people, even when they are dead in trespasses and sins, is wonderful, and passes knowledge. And it is amazing indeed, if it be considered who the lover is, the eternal Son of God, who is God over all, blessed for ever, the Creator of all things, the King of kings, and Lord of lords: and also, who they are that are loved by him, not only creatures, but sinful ones, exceeding mean and abject; the base things of this world, bankrupts, beggars, yea, comparable to the beasts that perish; who had nothing external, nor internal, to recommend them to him, and engage his affections; yea, everything to give him an aversion to them, and render them odious in his sight, being enemies in their minds by wicked works, and children of wrath, as others: and likewise, if it be considered what he has done for these, in which his love appears to them; as before time, in espousing their persons, becoming their surety, engaging in covenant with his Father for them, agreeing to all he proposed, taking the care of their persons, and of all blessings and promises, grace and glory for them; and in time here on earth, by assuming their nature, fulfilling the law for them, dying in their room and stead, paying their debts, procuring all blessings for them, peace, pardon, righteousness, and eternal redemption; and now in heaven, by preparing a place for them, being their intercessor and advocate there, supplying their wants, frequently visiting them, and indulging them with communion with himself, preserving them safe to his kingdom and glory, into which he will introduce them, presenting them to his Father with exceeding joy; all which are marvellous acts of love and grace: to which may be added, the consideration of the nature of his love, that it should be from everlasting, before these persons were born; that it should be a love of complacency and delight in them; that it should be free, and unmerited, without any reason, or motive on their part; that it should be distinguishing, that they, and not others, should be the objects of it; and that it should continue unchangeably the same, notwithstanding their manifold transgressions, and provocations; wherefore it may be justly said, behold, how he loved them!"


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0912

Bible study
UNDERSTANDING
"Jesus the true Messiah must die; this was determined in the counsel of God, agreed to by Christ in the covenant of grace, foretold by the prophets from the beginning of the world, typified by sacrifices and other things, under the former dispensation, predicted by Christ himself, and accordingly came to pass; and upon the above accounts was necessary, as well as for the salvation of his people, who otherwise must have perished; and yet was free and voluntary in him, and a strong expression, and a demonstrative proof of his love to them: and not only this prophecy declared, that Jesus should die, but that he should die for that nation, for the nation of the Jews; not for every individual in it, for all of them were not saved by him; some received him not; they rejected him as the Messiah, Saviour, and Redeemer, and died in their sins; but for all the elect of God among them, the sheep of the house of Israel, to whom he was sent, and whom he came to seek and save; and whom he blessed, by turning them away from their iniquities, and by taking away their iniquities from them: and moreover, this prophecy suggests, that Jesus was to die, not merely as a martyr, to confirm with his blood the doctrine he preached, nor only as an example of courage, meekness, patience, and love, but for, or in the room and stead of his people, as their surety; giving his life a ransom and himself a sacrifice to the justice of God, for them; there by fulfilling the law and satisfying it, and appeasing the wrath of God on their account."

I often hear atheists and antireloigoius folks mocking this, "God appeading God" etc. But of COURSR he did! What if he devil had been the one to appease? It never would happen.
God set the bail and paid it Himself to show us that NOTHING CAN STOP HIS LOVE.
Our debt of sin and disobedience ultimately served to show the absolute depth Nd power of His mercy. He never wanted us to be lost or damnrd! That wasn't the intention or the point!
The wrath of God is against SIN, not humaniind.

Jesus died "In our place & space"


"Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.—The words are given in the touching simplicity of the message just as they were sent by the sorrowing sisters. They feel that the sad news needs no addition, and that there is no necessity for a prayer for help. Weakness, conscious of strength which loves, needs but to utter itself."
Thinking about how we STILL hysterically beg God "not to kill us" when the slightest trouble happens. What a weak faith we still have, Lord have mercy on us 

"We have before us here a man looking at events from a mind full of the darkest apprehension. He is without hope that a return to Judæa can have any but one issue for his Master. The night is so clearly seen that the brightness of day is obscured. But with all this there is the full love of a devoted disciple, who will follow his Master even unto death."

Thinking about this in light of the Eucharist =
"The words express a half-formed hope, which she dare not utter, perhaps dare not even think, that her brother may be restored to life again... Her brother had been the friend of Jesus; they had all trusted in His power and His love. Words had come to them from Him telling that this sickness should not issue in death, but that it should further God’s glory and glorify the Son. And now He is Himself present. His words cannot fail, and He Himself cannot be there without a purpose. She dare not say more; but she rests in this, that there is unity of power and will between Him and the Father. Whatsoever He asks, God will give."

"(25) I am the resurrection, and the life.—She has spoken of the resurrection as a truth which she believes, and as an event in the far-off future, so remote from the present life indeed, as to be powerless to comfort her now. The two first words of His answer, expressed in the fulness of emphasis, teach her that the resurrection is to be thought of as His person, and that it is to be thought of as actually present. “I,”—his words mean—“and none beside Me, am the Resurrection. I am the Resurrection—a present life, and not simply a life in the remoteness of the last day.” In the same sense in which He has declared Himself to be the Water of Life and the Bread of Life, supplying in Himself every need of spiritual thirst and spiritual hunger, He declares Himself to be the Resurrection, revealing in His own person all that men had ever thought and hoped of a future life, being Himself the power which shall raise them at the last day, and could therefore raise them now. This is because He is also “the Life,” and therefore every one in communion with Him shall live... She thinks and speaks of Lazarus as dead. He asserts that in the true thought of the spiritual life the fact of physical death does not interrupt that life... The fact of what we call physical death is not denied, but in the fulness of the thought of life it is regarded as the passage to a new and higher life [through Christ]."

This is hitting hard=
"John’s Gospel is “The Word was made flesh,” and He is for us the Resurrection and the Life, because He has been manifested to us, not as an abstraction which the intellect only could receive, but as a person, living a human life, and knowing its sorrows, whom the heart can grasp and love. A “God in tears” has provoked the smile of the stoic and the scorn of the unbeliever; but Christianity is not a gospel of self-sufficiency, and its message is not merely to the human intellect. It is salvation for the whole man and for every man; and the sorrowing heart of humanity has never seen more clearly the divinity of the Son of Man than when it has seen His glory shining through His human tears... the sympathy with human sorrow is no less part of His nature than the union with divine strength."

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0913

REMEMBER THIS.
"God has determined to work in the behalf of men only in proportion to their faith in him: it was necessary, therefore, that these persons should be well instructed concerning his nature, that they might find no obstacles to their faith. These sisters had considered him only as a prophet hitherto; and it was necessary that they should now be farther instructed, that, as God was to exert himself, they might believe that God was there."
"Verse 40. If thou wouldest believe, &c.] So it appears that it is faith alone that interests the miraculous and saving power of God in behalf of men."


Pasting this from today as it's fascinating =

"And the Romans shall come and take away both our place and nation.—The dread of the Roman power must have been constantly present to the Jews of that generation... Pontius Pilate had suppressed outbreaks by violence in the Temple itself. There had been tumults in connection with the Corban money and with Barabbas. The Temple mountain was the site of the Roman fortress Antonia, and this dread power may at any moment destroy the national life, which only existed on sufferance.
The attempts to prove that “our place” can mean “the Temple” must now be given up; and if we attach a local meaning to the word we must understand it of Jerusalem. It may, however, be questioned whether the word has any local signification here. Like our words “standing,” and “place,” and “position,” it certainly may have a moral sense, and New Testament examples of this usage are frequent... It is suggested that this sense is more in harmony with the feeling of the Pharisees. They possessed no local power; and the city could not be taken away from them more entirely than it already was. Their existence as rulers depended upon the Mosaic law and upon the services of the Temple. Round these centres they had gathered human tradition and ordinance, to which they clung because they only could interpret them, and they only could use the vast powers which were thus exercised over men. The Law had become practically an intricate system of tradition, and the Temple-service had become practically an intricate system of ritual. With this the Roman empire, following its usual policy, had not interfered, and the Jewish hierarchy had become the centre and the rulers of the national life."

THAT WAS WHY JESUS CALLED THEM SUCH HYPOCRITES!!!
THE WORSHIP WAS JUST RITUAL BEHAVIOR, AUTOMATED & MECHANICAL, EMPTY & SHOWY, FOR THE SIMPLE SAKE OF GIVING THE PHARISEES SOMETHING TO CONTROL, RULE, DEFINE, COMPLICATE, AND ENFORCE.
THEY WERE LITERALLY MAKING THEMSELVES GOD.
THERE WAS NO ACTUAL HEART OR SOUL IN THE RITUALS & TRADITIONS IN AND OF THEMSELVES.
THEIR RELIGION WAS NOW JUST AN INTRICATE DANCE ROUTINE– ONE THAT ROME WOULDN'T TOUCH SOLELY BECAUSE IT WAD RELIGIOUS!!! BUT THEREFORE IT WAS A SOURCE OF POWER & CONTROL & AUTHORITY, HOWEVER PLASTICINE, THAT ROME COULDN'T TAKE (SO THEY HOPED)!!!

"But in direct opposition to both of them had been the work and teaching of Christ. He had sought to establish, for law and service, the simplicity of their first spiritual principles. His spiritual teaching was a cutting to the very root of their whole being. If all the people believed on Him their raison d’être would be gone, and the Romans would no longer suffer an imperium in imperio, which they now allowed because it swayed the masses of the people. They would take both their position, and with it the rank which they still claimed as a nation. = The emphatic position of the word “our” should be noted, and also that “place and nation” are linked together as one complex thought attached to it."

It's amazing how they don't even CONSIDER changing their "raison d’être" TO Christ. They want THEIR power THAT BADLY, No matter how unstable & unsure it apparently was even to them.

This also feels relevant to modern times =
"Verse 48. All men will believe on him — If we permit him to work but a few more miracles like these two last (the cure of the blind man, and the resurrection of Lazarus) he will be universally acknowledged for the Messiah; the people will proclaim him king; and the Romans, who can suffer no government here but their own, will be so irritated that they will send their armies against us, and destroy our temple, and utterly dissolve our civil and ecclesiastical existence. Thus, under the pretense of the public good, these men of blood hide their hatred against Christ, and resolve to put him to death. To get the people on their side, they must give the alarm of destruction to the nation: if this man be permitted to live, we shall be all destroyed! Their former weapons will not now avail. On the subject of keeping the Sabbath, they had been already confounded; and his last miracles were so incontestable that they could no longer cry out, He is a deceiver.
Both our place and nation. — Literally, this place, τον τοπον: but that the temple only is understood is dear from Acts 6:13-14; Acts 2:0 Macc. 1:14; 2:18; 3:18; 5:16, 17; 10:7; where it is uniformly called the place, or the holy place, because they considered it the most glorious and excellent place in the world. When men act in opposition to God's counsel, the very evils which they expect thereby to avoid will come upon them. They said, If we do not put Jesus to death, the Romans will destroy both our temple and nation. Now, it was because they put him to death that the Romans burnt and razed their temple to the ground, and put a final period to their political existence.'

I CAN TRAGICALLY BUT HUMBLY ATTEST TO THAT FACT.

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Love this perspective, strive to live it wholeheartedly =
"Let us also go, that we may die with him. — That is, "Seeing we cannot dissuade our Lord from going, and his death is likely to be the inevitable consequence, let us give him the fullest proof we can of our love, by going and suffering death with him." Some think Thomas spoke these words peevishly, and that they should be translated thus, Must we also go, and expose ourselves to destruction with him? which is as much as to say: "If he will obstinately go and risk his life in so imminent a danger, let us act with more prudence and caution." But I think the first sense is to be preferred. When a matter is spoken which concerns the moral character of a person, and which may be understood in a good and a bad sense, that sense which is most favourable to the person should certainly be adopted. This is taking things by the best handle, and both justice and mercy require it. The conduct of most men widely differs from this: of such an old proverb says, "They feed like the flies - pass over all a man's whole parts, to light upon his sores.""


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THIS IS OUR HISTORY =
"Could not this man, which opened the eyes, c.] Through the maliciousness of their hearts, these Jews considered the tears of Jesus as a proof of his weakness. We may suppose them to have spoken thus: "If he loved him so well, why did he not heal him? And if he could have healed him, why did he not do it, seeing he testifies so much sorrow at his death? Let none hereafter vaunt the miracle of the blind man's cure if he had been capable of doing that, he would not have permitted his friend to die." Thus will men reason, or rather madden, concerning the works and providence of God; till, by his farther miracles of mercy or judgment, he converts or confounds them."

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0914

"The afflictions of the saints are designed for the glory of God, that he may have opportunity of showing them favour; for the sweetest mercies, and the most effecting, are those which are occasioned by trouble. Let this reconcile us to the darkest dispensations of Providence, they are all for the glory of God, this sickness, this loss, or this disappointment, is so; and, if God be glorified, we ought to be satisfied... As, before, the man was born blind that Christ might have the honour of curing him, so Lazarus must be sick and die, that Christ may be glorified as the Lord of life. Let this comfort those whom Christ loves under all their grievances that the design of them all is that the Son of God may be glorified thereby, his wisdom, power, and goodness, glorified in supporting and relieving them." (see 2 Corinthians 12:9; 2 Corinthians 12:10.)
EVEN IF ONLY SPIRITUALLY, WHICH IS A GREATER GIFT & MIRACLE.

"Here was Martha's house, a house where the fear of God was, and on which his blessing rested, yet made a house of mourning. Grace will keep sorrow from the heart, not from the house."

"Christ will arise in favour of his people when the time to favour them, yea, the set time, is come; and the worst time is commonly the set time-- when our hope is lost, and we are cut off for our parts; then they shall know that I am the Lord when I have opened the graves (Ezekiel 37:11-13). In the depths of affliction, let this therefore keep us out of the depths of despair: that man's extremity is God's opportunity."
"When Christ tells his people at any time how bad the case is, He lets them know in the same breath how easily, how quickly, He can mend it... [and yet,] promised salvations, though they always come surely, yet often come slowly."

⭐"When Christ defers his visits for a time they are thereby made the more acceptable, much the more welcome; so it was here. His departures endear his returns, and his absence teaches us how to value his presence."
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WHEN WE COULDN'T GO TO MASS IN AUGUST.
We were powerfully moved to appreciate & adore the Eucharist more. It also moved us to a deeper moral courage in eventually running to daily Mass!

"[Whatever] Christ undertakes to do, we may be sure, is something great and uncommon, and a work worthy of Himself."


Thinking about ALL of this =
"As a trial of the courage of the disciples, whether they would venture to follow him thither, where they had so lately been frightened by an attempt upon their Master's life, which they looked upon as an attempt upon theirs too. To go to Judea, which was so lately made too hot for them, was a saying that proved them. BUT Christ did not say, "Go you into Judea, and I will stay and take shelter here;" no, Let us go. Note, Christ never brings His people into any peril [unless] He accompanies them in it, and is with them even when they walk through the valley of the shadow of death."
"Christ's disciples are apt to make a greater matter of sufferings than their Master does, and to remember injuries longer. He had put up with the affront, it was over and gone, and forgotten, but His disciples could not forget it... Christ's ways in passing by offences are above our ways. "Wilt thou expose thyself among a people that are so desperately enraged against thee? Goest thou thither again, where thou hast been so ill used?"... Yet, while the disciples show a concern for his safety, they discover at the same time, First, A distrust of his power; as if he could not secure both himself and them now in Judea as well as he had done formerly... Secondly, A secret fear of suffering themselves; for they count upon this if he suffer. When our own private interests happen to run in the same channel with those of the public, we are apt to think ourselves zealous for the Lord of hosts, when really we are only zealous for our own wealth, credit, ease, and safety, and seek our own things, under colour of seeking the things of Christ; we have therefore need to distinguish upon our principles."
"[Their erroneous response] intimates... A greater concern for themselves; for hereby they insinuate that it was now needless for Christ to go to him, and expose himself and them. "If he sleep, he will be quickly well, and we may stay where we are." Thus we are willing to hope that the good work which we are called to do will do itself, or will be done by some other hand, if there be peril in the doing of it."
I feel hard convicted by all of that. Reflect soberly on it.

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THIS HIT SO HARD =
"Let us also go that we may die with him; with him, that is, [in one interpretation,] with Lazarus, who was now dead; so some take it. Lazarus was a dear and loving friend both to Christ and his disciples, and perhaps Thomas had a particular intimacy with him. Now if he be dead, saith he, let us even go and die with him. For, First, "If we survive, we know not how to live without him." Probably Lazarus had done them many good offices, sheltered them, and provided for them, and been to them instead of eyes; and now that he was gone they had no man like-minded, and "Therefore," saith he, "we had as good die with him." Thus we are sometimes ready to think our lives bound up in the lives of some that were dear to us: but God will teach us to live, and to live comfortably, upon himself, when those are gone without whom we thought we could not live."
"Martha, in her complaint, looked back, reflecting with regret that Christ was not there, for then, thinks she, my brother had been now alive. We are apt, in such cases, to add to our own trouble, by fancying what might have been. "If such a method had been taken, such a physician employed, my friend had not died;" which is more than we know: but what good does this do? When God's will is done, our business is to submit to him. Christ directs Martha, and us in her, to look forward, and to think what shall be, for that is a certainty, and yields sure comfort: Thy brother shall rise again. [For] as the soul at death is not lost, but gone before, so the body is not lost, but laid up... [on the last day,] there shall be a particular resurrection of each one: "I know that I shall rise again, and this and the other relation that was dear to me." As bone shall return to his bone in that day, so friend to his friend."
WE DID NOT HAVE THIS FAITH OR AWARENESS WHEN GRANDMA DIED.
EVEN WORSE, WHAT LITTLE WE KNEW OF HEAVEN, WE ASSUMED WE WOULD BE EXCLUDED????
WE LEGIT THOUGHT WE'D NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

"See our weakness and folly, that we suffer present sensible things to make a deeper impression upon us, both of grief and joy, than those things which are the objects of faith... thus, by our discontent under present crosses, we greatly undervalue our future hopes, and put a slight upon them, as if not worth regarding."
"Object permanence of a baby" with this. Tunnel vision. Trauma brain. Cannot properly grasp the IDEA of a future, let alone a hopeful one.

Knee-jerk terror at this bit=
"When godly relations and friends are taken from us, whatever occasion we have to be afflicted concerning ourselves, who are left behind and miss them, we have reason to be comforted concerning those who are gone before us to a happiness where they have no need of us."
That makes heaven seem aloof & uncaring. It's a misinterpretation though.
I think, long ago, we typed about this sentiment-- how we ultimately wished for our loved ones NOT to "need us" to be happy, because then we would be NO OBSTACLE to their joy.

Another tough one to properly grasp=
"Lazarus is gone, and our comfort in him is gone; but the Master is come, who is better than the dearest friend, and has that in him which will abundantly make up all our losses. He is come who is our teacher, who will teach us how to get good by our sorrow (Psalms 94:12), who will teach, and so comfort." 
The human instinct is to read this & falsely see her faith as cold & uncaring,
Yet ..
"When Christ our Master comes, he calls for us. He comes in his word and ordinances, calls us to them, calls us by them, calls us to himself. He calls for thee in particular, for thee by name (Psalms 27:8); and, if he call thee, he will cure thee, he will comfort thee."


Moved by this thought =
"Martha was earnestly expecting Christ's arrival, and enquiring for it. Either she had sent out messengers, to bring her tidings of his first approach, or she had often asked, Saw you him whom my soul loveth? so that the first who discovered him ran to her with the welcome news. However it was, she heard of his coming before he arrived. She had waited long, and often asked, Is he come? and could hear no tidings of him; but long-looked-for came at last."
That's SOLID FAITH in His compassion. She didn't even consider "well maybe He won't come, maybe this isn't important." No. She KNEW He loved her & her siblings. She BELIEVED in His promise of Life. Her heart was anchored in His fidelity.
BUT???
"She believed Christ's power, that, though her brother's sickness was very grievous, yet he could have cured it, and so have prevented his death. She believed his pity, that if he had but seen Lazarus in his extreme illness, and his dear relations all in tears about him, he would have had compassion, and have prevented so sad a breach, for his compassions fail not. But, Here are sad instances of unbelief. Her faith was TRUE, BUT WEAK as a bruised reed, for she limits the power of Christ, in saying, If thou hadst been here; whereas she ought to have known that Christ could cure at a distance, and that his gracious operations were not limited to his bodily presence."


RELEVANT TO SOCIALS BARRING US FROM RELIGIOUS TRUTH=
" The least intimation of Christ's gracious approaches is enough to a lively faith, which stands ready to take the hint, and answer the first call. When Christ was come, [1.] She did not consult the decorum of her mourning, but, forgetting ceremony, and the common usage in such cases, she ran through the town, to meet Christ. Let no nice punctilios of decency and honour deprive us at any time of opportunities of conversing with Christ. [2.] She did not consult her neighbours, the Jews that were with her, comforting her; she left them all, to come to him, and did not only not ask their advice, but not so much as ask their leave, or beg their pardon for her rudeness."

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0915

⭐"Nature itself teaches us to weep over our dear relations, when they are removed by death; Providence thereby calls to weeping and mourning... Religion teaches us likewise to weep with them that weep... considering that we ourselves also are in the body. Those that truly love their friends will share with them in their joys and griefs; for what is friendship but a communication of affections?"
SO ALL THE ALLEGEDLY "RELIGIOUS" SCORN & MOCKERY & CONDEMNATION OF TEARS, IS TOTALLY FALSE!!!!

"[Christ] never groaned so much for His own pains and sufferings as for the sins and follies of men."
We should weep for SIN, NOT SUFFERING. The Cross is life & glory. Sin is death & disgrace.


I needed to hear this, especially concerning the circumstances of grandma's death =
"Here it is slyly insinuated, First, That the death of Lazarus being (as it seemed by his tears) a great grief to him, if he could have prevented it he would, and therefore because he did not they incline to think that he could not; as, when he was dying, they concluded that he could not, because he did not, save himself, and come down from the cross; not considering that divine power is always directed in its operations by divine wisdom, not merely according to his will, but according to the counsel of his will, wherein it becomes us to acquiesce. If Christ's friends, whom he loves, die,--if his church, whom he loves, be persecuted and afflicted,--we must not impute it to any [suspected] defect either in his power or love, but [rightfully] conclude that it is because he sees it for the best."


"Others think [Martha warned of the death stench] out of a concern for Christ, lest the smell of the dead body should be offensive to him. That which is very noisome is compared to an open sepulchre. If there were any thing noisome she would not have her Master near it; but he was none of those tender and delicate ones that cannot bear as ill smell; if he had, he would not have visited the world of mankind, which sin had made a perfect dunghill."
That's weirdly reassuring, for an odious sinner like myself. Christ won't avoid me just because I'm a filthy wretch. I need Him to come close & not cringe in disgust. This gives me solid hope. Even if my soul is in spiritual graverot, Christ CAN STILL SAVE ME... and He won't plug His nose to do it, either.

"Christ does not give a direct answer to what Martha had said, nor any particular promise of what he would do, but orders her to keep hold of the general assurances he had already given: Only believe. We are apt to forget what Christ has spoken, and need him to put us in mind of it by his Spirit: "Said I not unto thee so and so? And dost thou think that he will ever unsay it?"
I JUST REALIZED... HE DOESN'T ALTER HIS LANGUAGE OR SPEECH BETWEEN PERSONS. HIS WORDS ARE TRUE TO ALL AT ALL TIMES, IN THEIR PROPER CONTEXTS.
When He blesses, or declares woe, it is in such a way that ALL HUMANITY IS THE SUBJECT OF BOTH, depending on their state of heart. NO ONE IS AN EXCEPTION. SO STOP THINKING "THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY APPLY TO ME!!" FOR GOOD OR BAD. He can't "unsay" a single word, therefore you must accept it ALL. Those "general assurances" are so for a purpose!!
God is both universal & individual. He is personal & global. HE'S TALKING TO YOU!!!!!!!

"...that which is especially charged upon us hereby is to lift up our hearts to God in the heavens; what is prayer, but the ascent of the soul to God, and the directing of its affections and motions heavenward?"
...in that case, I really am not praying properly. Not for the most part. It's so fearful, so compulsive, like "if I don't say all these prayers mom & dad will be angry & punish me & hurt me." THAT ISN'T PRAYER!!!
I still think this has deeper roots in the "torture rosaries" than I realize. Thank GOD the rosary itself ISN'T A TRIGGER ANYMORE!!!


"Those who infer from the commands of the word to turn and live that man has a power of his own to convert and regenerate himself might as well infer from this call to Lazarus that he had a power to raise himself to life."
THE COMMAND IS JUST THAT-- A COMMAND!!! Christ's Words ARE SPIRIT AND LIFE. When He tells us TO turn and live, those very Words-- if we open our heart to receive & heed-- CONTAIN THE POWER BY GRACE REQUIRED TO OBEY. "My Word shall not return to Me void"!!
So don't worry about your own inability and weakness. If God tells you to do something, if He COMMANDS you to do something, Then He is ALSO giving you the grace and the power TO do it, BY THE VERY COMMAND!!! If He wants it done, He ENABLES THE DOING. We just need to COOPERATE WITH GRACE.

"They do not take it at all into their consideration whether they shall not receive him and own him as the Messiah, though they profess to expect him, and Jesus gave pregnant proofs of his being so; but they take it for granted that he is an enemy, and as such is to be run down: "What do we? Have we no care to support our church? Is it nothing to us that a doctrine so destructive to our interest spreads thus? Shall we tamely yield up the ground we have got in the affections of the people? Shall we see our authority brought into contempt, and the craft by which we get our living ruined, and not bestir ourselves?"
This ALSO applies to our situation, with discerning God's Will in opposition to lies we have believed and even built on. BE CAREFUL.
Church teaching is NOT the enemy, even if we lose catastrophically by it. "If it can be killed by the truth, then let it die"!!! What we will GAIN in its place is TRUTH & LIFE & LIGHT.
 
"The success of the gospel is the dread of its adversaries; if souls be saved, they are undone."
THAT IS ACTUALLY TERRIFYINGLY TRUE. Every single worldly power RELIES on the control of unsaved souls TO exercise ANY power-- because once a soul is anchored in Christ, THEY ARE DEAD TO THE WORLD & THEREFORE FREE.

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0916

"Caiaphas craftily insinuates that the greatest and best man, though major singulis--greater than any one individual, is minor universis--less than the collected mass, and ought to think his life well spent, nay well lost, to save his country from ruin. But what is this to the murdering of one that was evidently a great blessing under pretence of preventing an imaginary mischief to the country... Was it expedient for them to bring upon themselves and upon their nation the guilt of blood, a prophet's blood, for the securing of their civil interests from a danger which they had no just reason to be afraid of? Was it expedient for them to drive God and their glory from them, rather than venture the Romans' displeasure, who could do them no harm if they had God on their side? Note, Carnal policy, which steers only by secular considerations, while it thinks to save all by sin, ruins all at last."
The sly hypocrisy and mangling of truth visible in this scheme is DESPICABLE. The devil is truly the instigator of all falsehood.
That phrase "saving all by sin" is such a horrific false idea that it makes me nauseous. And yet WE ATTEMPTED IT. our past is full of it.

"What before they wished done, but wanted [an excuse] for, now they are furnished with a plausible pretence to justify themselves in, which will serve, if not to take off the guilt (that is the least of their care), yet to take off the odium, and so satisfy, if not the personal, yet the political conscience... Many will go on very securely in doing an evil thing as long as they have but something to say in excuse for it."
THAT DETAIL OF GUILT VS ODIUM & OPPOSING CONSCIENCES PLAYS INTO PERSONAL SIN & RECONCILIATION!!!
Are you sorry for offending God, or for making yourself look bad? Are you sorry for being a bad example of a Christian, or of your political party? If ADMITTING & REPENTING of sin would make you look like a fool, or win you enemies, would you still do so enthusiastically? Do you look for ways of explaining away, softening the blow of, or giving "reasonable motives" for your sins, especially when deep down you KNOW you're sinning BECAUSE you need to take such measures to soothe your nagging conscience? Etc.


"Those who came early out of the country, that they might purify themselves, were very desirous to meet with Christ, and perhaps came up the sooner with that expectation...that they might hear his doctrine and see his miracles." = GET TO CHURCH EARLY FOR HIS SAKE!!! He STILL speaks to us AND WORKS MIRACLES IN & BY THE EUCHARIST at EVERY SINGLE MASS.

"...instead of keeping the feast with unleavened bread, they were themselves soured with the leaven of the worst malice!" = SINCERELY EXAMINE YOUR CONSCIENCE & MAKE A PERFECT ACT OF CONTRITION AND/OR ACTUAL CONFESSION BEFORE RECEIVING THE EUCHARIST. Sometimes I'm convicted of a hidden sin RIGHT before reception, with unbearable guilt. What do I do? Should I skip Communion out of shame?  What I've been doing is wholeheartedly offer that awareness of sin up to God, In that very moment, With all the sorrow and contrition I can muster, and promise with resolve to confess it ASAP. I hope that it okay. I need to ask a priest. The Eucharist is MEDICINE, not a reward!!!!!

"...as if he would omit his attendance on the feast of the Lord for fear of exposing himself. If others, through irreligion, be absent, they are not animadverted upon; but if Christ be absent, for his own preservation (for God will have mercy, and not sacrifice), it is turned to his reproach, as it was to David's that his seat was empty at the feast, though Saul wanted him only that he might have an opportunity of nailing him to the wall with his javelin, 1 Samuel 20:25-27, c. It is sad to see holy ordinances prostituted to such unholy purposes."
THIS IS WHAT WE WERE DOING WHEN WE WERE TOO CHICKEN TO RUN TO MASS AT FIRST.

"For her words seem to imply, Though I know he shall rise again at the last day, yet that affords us but little support now, in the distressing bereavement that we have experienced: as if the blessing of a resurrection to eternal life were not of much greater importance, and much more replete with comfort to a truly pious person, than any recovery from sickness, or restoration to temporal health or life, in this present world of trial and trouble. Alas! that we should be so weak and foolish, as to suffer present, sensible things, to make a deeper impression upon us, both of grief and joy, than those spiritual and eternal things which are the great objects of faith and hope! I know that he shall rise again at the last day And is not that sufficient? She seems not to think it is. Thus, by our discontent under our present trials, we greatly undervalue our future expectations, and put a slight upon them, as if they were not worth regarding... The crosses and comforts of this present time would not make half that impression upon us which they do, if we did but believe the things of eternity as we ought."
I may have pasted this already but it's so important.
(Benson's commentary lifts directly from Henry's btw)

Likewise=
"Reader, when we hear the word of Christ concerning the great things of the other world, we should seriously ask ourselves, Do we believe this? This truth in particular; this, which is attended with so many difficulties; this, which is suited to my case? Doth my belief of it realize it to me, and give my soul an assurance of it? so that I can say, not only this I believe, but thus I believe."


Reflecting HARD on the implications of this truth =
"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister, &c. That is, he loved them with a peculiar affection, on account of their unfeigned piety toward God, their friendship and affection toward one another, and their faith in him as the Messiah, and had often visited them, and lodged at their house. And, in consequence of his peculiar love to them, he was determined to conduct himself toward them, in their present trying circumstances, in such a manner as he knew would be most for their final advantage, though it might, for a while, be an occasion of greater affliction to them."
JESUS CANNOT SIN. JESUS CANNOT CAUSE SIN. EVERYTHING HE DOES, OR ALLOWS, OF HIS OWN WILL, IS FOR GOOD & THE GLORY OF GOD.
THEREFORE!!! The fact that Martha & Mary would SUFFER AFFLICTION from both His delay & their brother's death WAS NOT AN EVIL???? That's HUGE.
Their pain at his death? Not evil, that's compassion.
Their anxiety at his sickness? Not evil, that's familial concern.
True, it might betray a "weakness of faith," but to expect otherwise is pride. To NOT suffer WITH the suffering is COLD HEARTED APATHY, and THAT is evil!!
So, since suffering CAN serve God, then SUFFERING IS NOT INHERENTLY EVIL. It is mortal, sure, and human, but NOT WRONG. God CAN and DOES cause us affliction FOR TRUE GOOD. So running away from such suffering, denying it exists, or trying to redefine it IS OPPOSING GOD'S MYSTERIOUS WILL?

Now mind you, EVIL CAN ALSO USE SUFFERING. But I can tell you this, it FEELS TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!!!!
Suffering is a RESULT of sin, at the beginning. I cannot deny that. But therefore it is paradoxically ALSO WRAPPED UP IN REDEMPTION--- EXPLICITLY IN THE CROSS.
When Jesus said He would redeem everything, HE MEANT EVERYTHING.
Goodness does not cause suffering. But goodness can TRANSMUTE suffering INTO GOOD, which is a great miracle in and of itself.

(Continue this. I can feel i don't have the whole or proper picture. Pray for discerning grace & wisdom to speak truly for His glory.)


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DAILY DEVOTIONALS TO TYPE ABOUT =

"Jesus shared that last meal with his betrayer. He gave Judas every opportunity to repent. In fact, Jesus called out his sin without sugar-coating anything. But Judas remained hard hearted and unrepentant. He sidestepped conviction with the words, “Surely, you don’t mean me Rabbi?”
Judas refused to acknowledge his sin. He refused to allow conviction to penetrate through the layers of prideful self-preservation.
Maybe we don’t willfully betray God, but we persist in some sinful patterns? Do we allow conviction of sin to break us?
What’s God convicting me about? In which areas of my life am I making excuses and not allowing his voice of conviction to change me?"


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0917

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

SO UPSET by this in today's devotional=
"...Communion is also called Eucharist, meaning “thanksgiving”. We accept the gift of His grace. All we do in exchange is express our gratitude. We don’t need to clean up our act. We don’t need to jump through hoops. We don’t need to work for our salvation. The Last Supper is a great reminder that all we have to do is receive that free gift of salvation with a humble and grateful heart."
The last sentence is true, but as for the rest of it-- IS THAT SERIOUSLY HOW NONCATHOLICS THINK????? Geez that is worded DANGEROUSLY POORLY.
(REWRITE IT)
BUT ALSO CONSIDER =
"Do I ever feel like I have to work for my salvation? What gets in the way of simply accepting Jesus’ free gift? Do I look at the sacrament of communion as a chore and a ritual or do I see it as a powerful reminder of the grace of God?"


UNFORTUNATELY... this whole bit of Matthew 6 SOUNDS LIKE AN ANOREXIC CHEATSHEET.
"When you stop eating for God, just be normal and look the same as you always look. Wash your face and comb your hair. Then nobody will know that you have stopped eating..."
"So when you give up eating, comb your hair and wash your face. Then people will not know that you are giving up eating. But your Father, whom you cannot see, will see you. Your Father sees what is done in secret, and he will reward you. (Matthew 6:17‭-‬18 PEV & ICB)
The Christian eating disorder THINKS JUST LIKE THIS IN AN EVIL WAY. THAT'S HOW TRICKY THE DEVIL IS.

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BIBLE STUDY =

"Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth? Shall I not live out my stint? The Turks shun not the company of those that have the plague; but, pointing upon their foreheads, say, It was written there at their birth when they should die. A priest, indeed, might enter without danger into a leprous house, because he had a calling from God so to do... But he that keeps not within God’s precincts may not look for his protection."
I immediately think of today's reading. Romans 14:8, one of my favorites. "If we live, we honor the Lord, and if we die, we honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."
It's not foolhardiness. It's making GOD the goal of both our life & death, putting both into His hands & striving after NEITHER-- only after ETERNITY IN HIM that MUST be served & sought BY BOTH before!!
Also-- Saint Damien of Molokai, pray for us!

"Gather together in one ] In one spiritual body, though in place never so distant one from another, Ephesians 4:4 ...No such oneness, entireness, anywhere else. Other societies may cleave together... but not incorporate."
I was actually just thinking about this during holy communion today,  In light of my terrible fear of invasion/violation & being "Taken over by" other people.
Christ said, I'm united to HIM, and THROUGH Him, to all His people! Its NOT CARNAL. I'm not "being fused" with millions of humans. We're ALL becoming ONE IN JESUS. Again, its like BEING MULTIPLE. There is a different, deeper, truer, more beautiful union than any horrid fleshly fear of it.

"We must also purify ourselves before the sacrament from all filthiness of flesh and spirit, 1 Corinthians 11:27-31"
Those verses HAUNT ME. I still fear, constantly, that I am guilty somehow of that fatally inexpiable sin of irreverence.
I REALLY need to talk to a priest about all this.

"This [zealous cruelty of Christ's murderers] is check to our indolence in the best things. What a shame is it, that they should outwork the children of light in a thorough despatch of their deeds of darkness, and be at more pains to go to hell than we will be to go to heaven."
Remember, indolence means "indifference to pain," or even more bluntly, "without grieving." It is a lack of ache, a dearth of feeling, a spiritual insensibility. It is a callous where your heart should be. It is one who seeks ease, comfort, pleasure, & softness to the point of rot.


"Mary seems to have been the only person upon the face of the earth with the least knowledge of the approaching death of Jesus. She, who loved to sit at His feet, learned more than Peter and John and James of the Apostles."
Consider the depth of that. Her sitting there was an act of total humble trust & listening openness & pure affection. It was childlike, all sparkling wonder & rapt attention, yet wrapped up in silent littleness.
Remember, too, Mary's life prior to conversion. That makes this response of hers to Jesus all the more powerful & inspiring & humbling.


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0918

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

"With the heart man believes unto righteousness. Put to the test, we refuse to be governed wholly by our reason, and we refuse every day. A man who never thought or acted, save upon the full consent of his reason, would be a sorry creature, and his life a dismal spectacle. There is a logic of the heart which is stronger than the logic of the reason... Faith is a venture, the venture of the soul, in opposition to the [exclusivity of] reason."
Intrigued by this too. Have to take it carefully-- ironically, AGAINST "reason," which WILL use logic paranoia to pick out every possible flaw. Reason by itself IS a pitifully fragile thing; it does not grasp just how small & ignorant it truly is.
Faith, however, has a shockingly boundless power.

"Christ wept tears of indignation for the grievous wrong that had been done to man... Death entered into the world by sin. Jesus felt the deep wrongousness of the usurper's rule. The anarchy that had invaded human life stirred His soul to its lowest depths: the wrong under which man bled, and earth became a charnel-house, wrought Him to a Divine fury, the more deep because so calm; and the scalding tears that fell from Him measured the intensity of the internal protest He had lodged and the resolve He had taken that He would yet abolish death, and set His brethren free. Christ's is no impotent pity, it is a pledge of deliverance."
...that means so much to me as a believer.
It also is exactly the divine echo that Laurie MUST keep in her heart.

"A strong man's tears are always sacred. They are symbolical of much, and the fountains from which they spring are hardly to be unearthed without profanity."

"The Scriptures speak much on the subject of tears, and often emphasise the sacredness of weeping. It would be worth while to go through the Bible and notice all those who are brought in weeping; and one thing that you would learn very distinctly by such a study would be this: that weeping belongs to true manliness not less than to true womanliness."
"Though He was the Son of God He never wrapped Himself up in a garment of stoical indifference; and still He is the same, yesterday, and today, and for ever."
"He does not expect us to put on the garment of stoicism which He never wore Himself, when our Lazarus is dead and is carried out to the cold and lonely grave. There are many things that will never be seen by eyes that have not been salved with tears."
THANK YOU!!!
Man I needed to hear ALL of that TWENTY-SIX YEARS AGO
 
I'm Changing this so it's not borderline heresy because the truth beneath still stands for mankind =
"Sometimes, our pain in prayer is due to the collision of our will with the Divine will-- Or, shall we rather say, our tears are the sign of the reconciliation of our will to that of God our Father. If there had been nothing but collision-- hard, unbending collision-- we would not have wept; we would instead have hardened ourself against our Father's will. But in our love of God, and our honest albeit feeble desire to do His will, our tears are truly the indication of reconciliation: they are the sign and the sacrament of peace, by the very virtue of their pain."
Let me tell you, we have SO MANY prayers like this, virtually every day now. This is a deep consolation & encouragement.

"There is [only] one kind of tears that Jesus never wept. These are the tears of penitence."
CONSIDER THE EARTHSHATTERING DEPTHS OF THIS.
Jesus wept tears of sorrow, tears of grief, tears of righteous anger, tears of joy, tears of wonder, tears of love.
...


"It was the deeper anguish into which mourners are plunged by looking upon death as extinction, and by supposing that death separates from God and from life, instead of giving closer access to God and more abundant life-- it was this which caused Jesus to groan. He could not bear this evidence that even the best of God’s children do not believe in God as greater than death, and in death as ruled by God.
This gives us the key to Christ’s belief in immortality, and to all sound belief in immortality. It was Christ’s sense of God, His uninterrupted consciousness of God, His distinct knowledge that God the loving Father is the existence in whom all live-- it was this which made it impossible for Christ to think of death as extinction or separation from God. For one who consciously lived in God to be separated from God was impossible. For one who was bound to God by love, to drop out of that love into nothingness or desolation was inconceivable. His constant and absolute sense of God gave Him an unquestioning sense of immortality. We cannot conceive of Christ having any shadow of doubt of a life beyond death; and if we ask why it was so, we further see it was because it was impossible for Him to doubt of the existence of God-- the ever-living, ever-loving God... Believing in the fatherly and undying love of the Eternal God, He knows that death cannot harm, still less destroy, the children of God."
"And this is the order or conviction in us all. It is vain to try and build up a faith in immortality by natural arguments, or even by what Scripture records... The faith of immortality depends on a sense of it begotten, not on an argument for it concluded. And this sense of immortality is begotten when a man is truly born again, and instinctively feels himself an heir of things beyond this world into which his natural birth has ushered him; when he begins to live in God; when the things of God are the things among which and for which he lives; when his spirit is in daily and free communication with God; when he partakes of the Divine nature, finding his joy in self-sacrifice and love, in those purposes and dispositions which can be exercised in any world where men are, and with which death seems to have no conceivable relation. But, on the other hand, for a man to live for the world, to steep his soul in carnal pleasures and blind himself by highly esteeming what belongs only to earth-- for such a man to expect to have any intelligent sense or perception of immortality is out of the question... no argument, [either for or against,] should make us indifferent to the question whether at death we are to be extinguished or to live on in happier, fuller life."
...That is one of the most gravely convicting truths I've ever heard.
And it's the KEY to WHY we felt "eternity in our very blood" during the Jay days, but it STOPPED WITH CNC. We're still, admittedly & disturbingly, trying to get that back. Well, this tells us WHY we're struggling, and what we MUST do.

We do not think enough about the afterlife, of what's below and above... you get the picture.
We NEED to read these bits thoroughly & repeatedly, to let them sink in deep, and by grace to understand & integrate them fully in the process.


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0919

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

Christine Caine VOTD! I like her a lot.
Matthew 5:5. Hit hard in light of immediate spiritual crisis.
Basically, Stop trying so hard to be "good enough, holy enough, righteous enough, clean enough, smart enough," etc. For God to love & accept you. By yourself, you've got NOTHING to offer God. But HE gives us JESUS, Who is EVERYTHING. And we live from within HIM.
Remember what we read yesterday about heaven & eternal life: it's based on RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. And if THAT is the core of the Kingdom of Heaven, then to be "poor in spirit" in light of that truth means to be empty of everything BUT Him. We have no "other wealth." We have no "savings set aside" on earth. We are not "rich" in pride and its lies. We RECOGNIZE we are lacking, and THANK GOD, because that's ALL ROOM FOR GOD TO FILL. "The rich He sends away empty," remember-- but even then, that's so that they, too, can turn around and BE FILLED with true wealth & goodness & holiness & LOVE instead of the gold-spraypaint lies of the devil & the world. 
I'll paste the actual devotional reflection below so we can type on it further; we have a history of war against avarice & self-righteousness so we NEED to make sure that CHRIST'S TRUTH in this beatitude is powerfully integrated into our soul and active life. 

Beautiful kids devotional questions & answers =
"What question do you want to explore using God's Word as a guide?
Does God love me even when I make mistakes? - Romans 5:8 =  [So it is proof of God's own love for us, that Christ died for us while we were still sinners.]
Who does God say I am? - Ephesians 2:10 = [We are God's work of art, created in Christ Jesus for the good works which God has already designated to make up our way of life.]
What is my purpose? - 1 Peter 2:9 = [But you are a chosen race, a kingdom of priests, a holy nation, a people to be a personal possession to sing the praises of God who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.]

THIS ONE SENT ME REELING =
"To know where we are, and to know where we are going, we need to know where we began. Too often, we forget our true origin; we forget that the story of humanity did not begin with the fall. Our story started with the image of God.
Beauty. Wonder. Life. THIS is what God has placed at the core of our being. Nothing can change our identity as children of God, declared so emphatically at the cross.
Sin is a stain upon the fabric; it is not the fabric itself. We were made for good and, despite the fall, we retain that shining potential. [That is why] the fullness of life that Christ offers us isn’t about running away from our humanity, it’s about running back into it – it’s about reconnecting with who we were created to be."
Just... I needed this. I FORGOT this.
THAT'S THE HEART OF THE INCARNATION. IT'S ABOUT REDEEMING OUR ORIGINAL, SACRED HUMANITY-- NOT REJECTING IT!!!!
TYPE ABOUT EVERY LINE OF THIS.


"Jesus wept - It has been remarked that this is the shortest verse in the Bible; but it is exceedingly important and tender. It shows the Lord Jesus as a friend, a tender friend, and evinces his character as a man. And from this we learn:
1. That the most tender personal friendship is not inconsistent with the most pure religion. Piety binds stronger the ties of friendship, makes more tender the emotions of love, and seals and sanctifies the affections of friends.
2. It is right, it is natural, it is indispensable for the Christian to sympathize with others in their afflictions. Romans 12:15; “rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”
3. Sorrow at the death of friends is not improper. It is right to weep. It is the expression of nature, and religion does not forbid or condemn it. All that religion does in the case is to temper and chasten our grief; to teach us to mourn with submission to God; to weep without complaining, and to seek to banish tears, not by hardening the heart or forgetting the friend, but by bringing the soul, made tender by grief, to receive the sweet influences of religion, and to find calmness and peace in the God of all consolation.
4. We have here an instance of the tenderness of the character of Jesus. The same Savior wept over Jerusalem, and felt deeply for poor, dying sinners. To the same tender and compassionate Saviour Christians may now come (Hebrews 4:15); and to him the penitent sinner may also come, knowing that he will not cast him away."
I cannot overemphasize these bits about Godly sorrow. We've suffocated that emotion in ourself for far too long. This entire paragraph brings us to shame. Lord please make our heart tender again, and please, don't let us cringe in disgust at such words anymore. You know what's wrong. We don't. Please show us the wound, so we can offer it to You, and please heal us quickly. 

"Others, who saw [the miracle], and did not believe that Jesus was the Messiah, went and told it to the Pharisees. But they did not deny that Jesus had raised up Lazarus. They could not deny it. The very ground of their alarm - the very reason why they went - was that he had actually done it. Nor did the Pharisees dare to call the fact in question. If they could have done it, they would... We see here the different effect which the word and works of God will have on different individuals. Some are converted and others are hardened; yet the evidence of this miracle was as clear to the one as the other. But they would not be convinced... If they admitted that he performed miracles, it was clear what they ought to do. They should have received him as the Messiah. It may be asked, If they really believed that he worked miracles, why did they not believe on him? To this it may be replied that they did not doubt that impostors might work miracles. To this opinion they were led, probably, by the wonders which the magicians performed in Egypt... As they regarded the tendency of the doctrines of Jesus to draw off the people from the worship of God, and from keeping his law, they did not suppose themselves bound to follow him, even if he did work miracles."
THE PROBLEM IS THAT THEY WEREN'T CONSIDERING THE FRUITS OF THE MIRACLES, THE PURE & COMPASSIONATE NATURE OF THEM, AND THE UTTERLY HUMBLE & PIOUS CHARACTER OF CHRIST WHO WORKED THEM. Prudent hesitation to believe any wonder-worker aside, they were STILL obstinate in their pride, refusing to admit that Jesus was ILLUMINATING the Law, and drawing people into a more honest, understanding, practical observance of it. The Pharisees still clung to their power & authority, bottom line, and it blinded them. Even if they did claim this "impostor" suspicion, they STILL weren't willing to ADMIT HIS LEGITIMACY if He indeed proved TO be genuinely God-sent. They were entering the entire judgment process WITH A PREJUDICE. They didn't WANT to admit His verity. It was too earthshaking a Truth for them to integrate in their current confused spiritual state, as tangled up in politics as they were.


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(CLICK FOR SEPTEMBER 20TH)

(CLICK FOR PART TWO)

(CLICK FOR PART THREE)

 

pre-breakfast (night prior)//

+ miserable. freaking out to the point of almost puking, in frustrated frightened tears, because I cannot decide on breakfast options. Yes it's stupid. but it's true. there are SO many choices, too many combinations. i don't know which one is the RIGHT ONE. I can't do applejuice or cranapple because every else does and that's THEIRS. it would look like I wasn't trying. I can't do an apple because I had one yesterday, and I can't do an orange because I'll have on on Sunday and I CAN'T "double" days. BUT a banana would be the "easy choice," AND I CAN'T do a banana if I do OJ because it'll screw up my stomach. I can't do grape because "it's my favorite" & thus the easy option. So if I get OJ & an orange I CAN'T double that on Sunday... but it IS a possibility. Hm. Maybe. It'll force me to "break the pattern" which can get too rigid. BUT CEREAL! I need to "try" Rice Krispies, BUT I'm STILL SCARED of the Cheerios, AND I actually have NO DATA for the Chex... which I think is the ONLY ONE I CAN'T get a single-serving of at home to try. Krispies are "easier" because of HAVEN memories, but "scary" because rice. BUT SAME WITH CHEX, which I FORGET. But I can do those next week? Or is it "chickening out" to NOT do them now? But I'd be a COWARD for NOT retrying the Cheerios. BUT EVERYONE PICKS CHEERIOS. The Chex would be the "challenge" in that respect. You see why I'm miserable. Jesus help me please.



post-breakfast//

+ Today's topic: OBSESSIONS, COMPULSIONS, & BEHAVIORS. What are we struggling with? What are the "RULES?" What "MUST" be done? WHY? What is the PURPOSE, or INTENDED GOAL/ RESULT, of these O/C/Bs?? What DISTORTIONS are present? What EMOTIONS are we feeling AS A RESULT OF THESE THOUGHTS? Are their action urges JUSTIFIED? Why or why not?
= Cannot "repeat" food choices twice in a row; every day MUST be different from the previous, "or I'm being lazy/ stubborn"
= Must have "even distribution" of choices over week, to be "fair" & "to make sense"? Uneven numbers "wrong"
= Must ALWAYS choose the "MOST CHALLENGING/ DIFFICULT" option, "or I'm being a coward/ stubborn"
= Must "get taste data"/ be conscious of eating or it "doesn't count"; "have to do it over"
= Must eat foods in "proper combinations," or it is "disordered/ improper" and "careless"
= NOT ALLOWED to CHOOSE foods that I "like"; that's "self-indulgent"/ addictive/ lazy/ cowardly"
= MUST (PARADOXICALLY) "LIKE" EVERYTHING THAT OTHERS LIKE to avoid offense? + NOT like what THEY dislike?? "DEFINED BY ORDERS"
✳ "Enjoying things"/ "pl*sre" is WRONG/ BAD" → "Suffering is GOOD because it is NOT enjoyable and IS brave↓"
"I must always be brave/ strong" "I must always do the most difficult thing↓" "I must always push myself harder"
"I must be GOOD↓" → "Good is SELFLESS" → "My own feelings & preferences don't matter"
"I must be PURE/ PERFECT" → "Goodness is UNCONTAMINATED" "Goodness DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES/ BAD CHOICES"
"I must be OBEDIENT" → "to be GOOD" "unselfish" "self-sacrificial"
✳ "KNOWLEDGE" obsession? Fear of "not knowing." Mystery = FAILURE TO LEARN??? Compulsion TO "find out"?
✳ "Not allowed to like foods" PERPETUATES "fear food" phenomenon? RESISTS RECOVERY because then there's "NO CHALLENGES???" "Recovery = LIKING EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M TOLD TO"??? UNTRUE!!! (SELF-DESTRUCTION; REPLACE SELF WITH "OTHER")
✳ Obsessing over 'CHOOSING" "one thing over another" = "ALL OR NOTHING." scared of "cruelty/ offense/ REJECTION," even with food (inanimate)
✳ Ultimate goals are ORDERLINESS, PROGRESS, BRAVERY, KNOWLEDGE, OBEDIENCE, DISCIPLINE, SPECIFICITY? PROPRIETY? "GOODNESS." Harmony/ elegance/ cooperation? "Aesthetic" agreement, as well as "choreography" OF choices?? INTENTIONALITY; making impulsive/ "indulgent" decisions is LAZY = BAD. Lazy is COWARDLY, no effort, no strength, no elegance. DIFFICULTY is valued to PROVE STRENGTH, and to PREVENT STAGNANCY? BUT "STRUCTURE" is often repeated? "Elegant;" effective distribution/ planning sticks. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Surprise changes (chosen by TEAM) ARE welcome, BUT MY OWN CHOICES MUST FIT SOME GREATER ORDER? They must be WISE, INFORMED, & CHALLENGING? But then I NEVER REST, AND I KEEP "MAKING NEW CHALLENGES TO FACE/ PROBLEMS TO SOLVE"!!! We did the SAME THING in 2017!!! The thought of "making an EASY/ COMFORTABLE" choice feels REPULSIVE? It would "seriously damage" my MORAL INTEGRITY?? Because "BEING GOOD = SUFFERING"???? "Liking" things is CONDEMNED; WHY?? Feels "OBTRUSIVE"? PREVENTS "CHALLENGE"??? ASSERTS "SELF"???

↑ EMOTIONAL RESPONSES/ ACTION URGES = JUSTIFICATION?
✳ SCARED of "choosing the wrong thing"? NOT the food itself-- ANY of them, IF "CORRECT," would be fine & non-threatening? But I'm "scared" of the "CHOOSING WRONG"?? When I obsess, I think "I HAVE to figure out the SMARTEST/ MOST CHALLENGING option"? I will make DATA SHEETS even!! Do I fear a threat to my "WELL-BEING"??? But fear FOCUSES ON ESCAPING DANGER. WHAT IS THE DANGER? Notably, "wrong" would be the EASY, COMMON, HABITUAL, OR "OUT OF PLACE" CHOICE? The GOAL IS HEALING = REQUIRES "ILLNESS"!!!!!
✳ ALSO tied to DISGUST: "wrong" choosing could SERIOUSLY DAMAGE my SENSE OF MORALITY/ INTEGRITY?? & ORDERLINESS? "THINGS WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG" = CONTAMINATION FEAR!! "Wrong" choices "DON'T WORK/ BELONG" TOGETHER??? "HAPHAZARD"; "uncontrolled/ wild"; "CANCEROUS"
✳ ALSO tied to ANGER: "Important goal" of GOODNESS/ ORDER/ INTEGRITY being BLOCKED by "cowardice/ laziness/ carelessness/ stubbornness"? THOSE qualities are "DISEASES"/ "SPIRITUALLY SICKENING" and MUST BE "HEALED" THROUGH EFFORT/ ACTION/ PRECISION, and the DISCIPLINE to FOLLOW THE RULES/ BE IN PROPER ORDER. No sloppiness or "carefree" behavior. ANGER fights ALL these "ugly tendencies" to OVERCOME those obstacles by FORCE and to STOP FURTHER THREATS. The problem is, ANGER SEES "SELF-INDULGENCE" as a threat and "SELF-DISCIPLINE" as the ideal, so it "DISCIPLINES" the "BAD CHILD" through VIOLENCE & VERBAL ABUSE, with the intended goal of "crushing" all inclination to be "soft & weak & sensual & sloppy & EVIL" -- qualities we ALSO associate with FATNESS. If "fat = evil" then "thin = good" AND "strong = good"? It's a mess. Being "big" FILLS US WITH "ARROGANT RAGE"??? Like the sheer SIZE of our body ELICITS POWER-ABUSIVE TENDENCIES??? WHY. Is it the desperate drive to DESTROY THE FAT=SLOVENLY RISK??? So much disgust. The "clean freak" obsession gets SO BAD. "MUST discipline/ control/ tame/ etc. this WILD/ ANIMALISTIC/ DISORDERED THING." Ironically, the eating disorder got WORSE through the hypercontrolling. ALL EXTREMES ARE UNHEALTHY!
✳ SADNESS: kicks in AFTER ANGER & self-destructive consequences; "things are not the way you hoped/ wanted/ expected" & "PERMANENT LOSS." "I did not behave the way I SHOULD" = "I HOPED I could be GOOD; I WANTED to be BRAVE; I EXPECTED to be SMART ENOUGH... but I WASN'T"??? LOSS = FAILURE TO BE GOOD/ PERFECT = ALL OR NOTHING: "THEN I'M BAD." Keeps cycling back to annihilatory RAGE, WHILE SOBBING typically.
✳ GUILT: "BEHAVIOR VIOLATES MORAL CODE." Obvious & self-explanatory. ALL my decisions are "MORALLY RIGHT OR WRONG", no matter how small.
✳ SHAME: "If my actions/ characteristics are REVEALED, I will be REJECTED BY THE "GOOD"/ BY "REAL CHRISTIANS"!!!" VERY powerful with "bad [food] choices" because those are ON THE TRAY FOR ALL TO SEE, & my choices are RECORDED BY TEAM. SO, if I "chicken out" and choose the EASY option, OR the SAME THING repeatedly, THAT COWARDLY LAZINESS WILL BE REVEALED AND I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO "SET A GOOD EXAMPLE" OR "BE A GOOD, OBEDIENT, BRAVE GIRL" ANYMORE-- the "secret sin" is APPARENT and I AM DOOMED. NO SECOND CHANCES!!!
YOU F*CKED UP AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT BACK, THE "DEED IS DONE" YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE, ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED THE "COMFY OPTION"!!!!

I chose whole milk instead of chocolate and I AM A F*CKING COWARD!!!
I didn't choose it because I'M TRYING to cut down on the sugar
NO EXCUSES YOU F*CKING LAZYASS COWARD
do I have to
I don't want it I dont like all the sugar
ANd, And mr. doctor SAID! dont obsess!
BUT But WE HAVe tO
CANT CHICKEN OUT DON'T BE SO F*CKING LAZY
DO THE HARD THING
STOP LOOKING FOR "EASY" WAYS OUT STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUFFERING!!!!

ISNT THIS SUFFERING ENOUGH

NO
THIS DOESN'T COUNT THIS IS DISCIPLINE FOR YOUR SELFINDULGENT ASS
LEARN TO DO THE RIGHT THING
STOP CHICKENING OUT!!!
MAN THE F*CK UP!!!!



(1) I didn't choose chocolate milk because I was scared of the sugar taste
(2) EVERYONE is choosing chocolate milk
(3) IT'S THEIRS, SAVE IT FOR THEM
(4) IT'S COMMON, SET A BRAVE EXAMPLE BY DOING DIFFERENT
(5) BUT IT'S A CHALLENGE FOR US
(6) IT'S MORE OF A "CHALLENGE" NOT TO CHOOSE IT, APPARENTLY
(7) F*CK YOU THAT'S A HOLLOW EXCUSE
YOU RAN AWAY. ON PURPOSE. YOU CHICKENED OUT


(8) what is the bravest choice, for real, what is "GOOD"
what is "effective"


(9) Our GOAL is to BE BRAVE.
The MOST "EFFECTIVE" THING would be to
- ADMIT we chickened out
- FIX THE DECISION
WHICH WE DID
I'M PROUD OF YOU
SEE I KNEW YOU WEREN'T REALLY A COWARD.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT ANYONE
IT CAN ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER
BY FACING YOUR FEAR OF "SUGAR"
AND REALIZING IT CAN'T HURT YOU/ US
"REMEMBER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID"
ALL THE CHOICES HAVE NUTRITION
EVEN THE SCARY ONES.






post-dinner/

We were too "proud." We drank it cold & couldn't taste it. The FAILURE distracted us for the whole meal. How ironic. "No right choice." BUT in MEMORY we have data, thanks to Jesus's mercy. We're sorry for our arrogance in "proving ourselves." Please, please forgive our foolish heart.
+ For the record. We DIDN'T "chicken out on Rice Krispies-- they were OUT! So we bravely retried the Chex, AND tasted it this time-- NOT soaking it, but NOT eating it by hand either. We used minimal milk & used a spoon, all proper. The taste, esp. unwet, DOES trigger "trauma echoes." It's humbling & horrifying to REALIZE & REMEMBER JUST HOW BAD THINGS WERE back then. But FEAR NOT!! God has brought us to recovery and we NEVER have to go through that hell again!! In time, we pray, those memories will fade, and the Chex will be "free" & "innocent" again, too. THAT'S WHAT WE WANT with ALL trauma/ fear foods! THAT'S why we're SO DETERMINED NOT to "chicken out"-- THAT PREVENTS HEALING, PERPETUATES FEAR, and KEEPS BOTH ME & THE FOOD STUCK IN A TRAUMA MINDSET!! WE WANT TO BE FREE, and FREEDOM ONLY COMES THROUGH LOVE!! THAT is how to forgive & move on-- you NEED that GRACE first!! So please, PLEASE, pray constantly & sincerely for it!! We CAN'T be "Good" on our own-- we CAN'T be TRULY BRAVE on our own either. WE NEED GOD. We need to do it WITH HIS POWER and FOR HIS FLORY, THROUGH HIS LOVE!!! And tragically we failed to do that tonight. We were SO carried away with self-hatred & PRIDE, wanting to be "brave" but FOR THE WRONG REASON-- almost to spite ourself, DEFINITELY with a smug "victory over stupidity" vibe, shame on us-- that we DIDN'T HONESTLY THINK OF GOD. He WASN'T our primary focus. We didn't choose the chocolate milk TO LET HIS MERCY WORK THROUGH US, but to chastise ourselves for "being weak." And GOD BRINGS DOWN THE PROUD!!! Which He SURE DID for our misguided ass, and THANK YOU GOD FOR DOING SO, because we NEEDED this lesson, DESPERATELY. We could NEVER hope to "make the good choice" WITHOUT YOU, the SOURCE & SUMMIT OF ALL GOOD!! On our own we WERE doomed to fail, no matter HOW hard we tried; our mind was ENTIRELY IN THE WRONG SPACE. I felt that last night, trying to figure out the juice datasheet. It felt so exasperating & distressing; I didn't even PRAY because I was so obsessed & MISERABLE. God I am so, so sorry. Please, CHANGE MY HEART!!! Help me TO pray, REALLY pray, WITHOUT abandoning recovery & "thinking I don't have to care about life anymore." Loving & worshipping You IS LIFE, and I want to do that WITH my life-- ALL OF IT!! I desperately, fervently want YOU to be PRESENT in ALL aspects of my daily life & work, NOT JUST IN RECITED PRAYER. We can't be TRUE friends if I only ever talk to You & spend time with You in "prepackaged" ways-- yes, those prayers are STILL Good & Beautiful, BUT I'M saying them in RITUAL OBLIGATION, something "to be done" by the schedule; I SHOULD be-- and I WANT to be-- inviting You to be with me in MY HUMANITY. Right now, You feel SO "unapproachable," SO "pure & Almighty," that I TREMBLE to talk to You, let alone EAT & COOK & WRITE & DREAM with You. And that's SO TRAGICALLY WRONG. Please, God-- LET ME KNOW YOU. Please, BE MY FRIEND. Hang out with me at breakfast. Share that PopTart. Guide me through lunch. Discuss DBT with me. Let's sit on the patio together. Let's listen to Lofi music together. Let's LIVE, in ALL the little moments, TOGETHER, and so CONSECRATE ALL OF MY LIFE to YOU, dearest Lord... no exceptions. SOLI DEO GLORIA.

+ I keep mentally obsessing over NEEDING to reorganize/ properly space & structure my apartment, and it's making me a nervous wreck because (1) I can't realistically "plan" any remodeling WITHOUT direct spatial awareness, and (2) There's "TOO MUCH STUFF" and yet I'm LACKING several essentials, making me feel TRAPPED & STUCK & MISERABLE. There's this persistent drive to "mortify the senses" & live monastically, but I've BEEN forcing that, and ALL it did was PREVENT me from using my GIFTS & TALENTS for God, therefore giving the eating disorder WAY TOO MUCH POWER & SPACE TO GROW. And I CANNOT let that happen again. I NEED to MAKE ACCESSIBLE, DEDICATED SPACE in my apartment for MUSIC, ART, TYPING, READING, AND TV-- because like it or not, we ALL know how much we've been SINCERELY MOVED & INSPIRED FOR THE BETTER by video games & movies. GOD CAN AND DOES USE THOSE, TOO, Y'KNOW. See, THAT'S my problem-- for years now, I've been cutting out EVERYTHING in my life "BUT GOD," including my "self," desperate to "be holy" and instead just... becoming Pharaisical and utterly collapsing in every regard. I ended up outright disparaging & disowning EVERYTHING that wasn't EXPLICITLY RELIGIOUS. Every "little joy" of life, every pastime and interest and creative work, was condemned as "secular" and "stupid" and "BAD." I wouldn't play the cello because "I should pray instead." I wouldn't do art because "it was a form of pride & idolatry." I wouldn't listen to any music but hymns & chants. I wouldn't do ANYTHING creative because it felt as if I was "usurping God's territory" and effectively "trying to rewrite reality" and "tempt people away from total devotion to God". And I WOULDN'T LOVE ANYONE because "I'm only supposed to love Jesus." But I never felt like I knew Him, not personally; I could repeat His teachings & tell about His miracles and I COULD love Him for all that and I DID love Him, I DO, I recognize the love & mercy of the Cross, but... somehow, I still feel terrifyingly distant. No matter HOW many hours a day I would pray, no mater HOW many times I went to Mass, no matter HOW much I read the Bible... there was always this awful degree of separation. I DO love Him, I cannot deny that, but... I'm afraid, still; I'm scared of the focus He puts on me. That's all I can figure. I get in the way, no matter HOW much I hollow out my life. EVEN HERE!! Mass is this evening BUT I'm "RELUCTANT" TO GO, ONLY because I'd be going WITH OTHER PEOPLE?? And so I'd "have to be a SOCIALLY EXTANT PERSON"??? If I went ALONE, I'd be fine? But when I'm in a group, it feels wrong. I can only guess it's because, in EVERY social situation, EVERYTHING that has to do with the TRUE "ME" feels utterly shameful, because it's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC!!! Worship feels like shallow performance. Interest feels like obtrusive arrogance. Love feels like voyeurism. "Exposing" my inner self and ALL related to it is actually TRAUMATIC and feels ACTIVELY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE-- and when that gutted openness coincides with CONVERSATION, those words and interactions are INVASIVE & VIOLATING. EVERY DAMN TIME. ...Unless I shut down & dissociate, that is. It makes me sick. It's MAKING me sick! I'm miserable just writing about it!! I'M SO TIRED OF PRAYER BEING USED AS PUNISHMENT. I am SO TIRED OF MY RELIGION FEELING LIKE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I'M SO TIRED OF "NOT BEING ALLOWED" TO EXIST IN LIGHT & COLOR, INSTEAD BEING CONDEMNED TO THE BLANK CELL OF SELF-DESTRUCTION. Is that really the "way of the saints"? Is that really going to "get me to heaven"? Is that-- no, HAS that EVER really "brought me closer to God"? ...but now I'm REALLY scared because I want to say YES. The less there was of me, the more there WAS of "God"... and paradoxically, bizarrely, terrifyingly, that perpetuated the eating disorder too. Honestly, the more I "tried" to "be normal," to stop the restriction, the rituals, the bingeing, and the purging-- the less time I had for God??? And that TERRIFIED ME. When I "ate normally" and "tried to learn/ do new things" it MADE ME EVEN MORE MISERABLE because then I felt TRULY HOLLOW, with the focus on my empty rotten husk of a "self." BUT, with the eating disorder, SOMEHOW I had more time for GOD??? At least, AT HOME-- whenever I would go out to BUY food, I would become a MANIC DISASTER, "forced" inescapably into that mode AUTOMATICALLY whenever I was in public-- UNLESS I WAS STARVING!!! The hunger often prevented mania in a kind of kind of mutual suppression; when you're weak & dizzy from hunger, you CAN'T socialize or entertain or perform or anything like that. It was protective. The INSTANT I dared to "eat something," I became a monster... at least, IF I WASN'T ALONE & DISSOCIATED!!! Starvation panic forced a sort of internal focus; without it, my "self" was FALSE, an EXTERNALLY-DICTATED MASK that ONLY EVER HURT THE REAL ME!!! And "becoming normal" felt like damning myself TO that mask, forever. But I digress, slightly. "Being normal" ALSO meant "losing my faith," which was "PROVEN" by how HORRIBLY the social focus destroyed my prayer life, and BIZARRELY sustained BY the agony AND structured DISSOCIATION of the eating disorder??? And that had been CONSTANT. At least... the majority of it was. As I prepared food, I would pray the Divine Office & listen to Catholic Daily Reflections. As I microwaved that insane amount of broccoli, I would kneel and pray at the prayer wall. As I ate, I would study the Bible. Even as I purged, I would be praying frantically and begging God for help the entire time. Yes, I was STILL preoccupied with "disordered time management," ALWAYS trying to decide what I should/ shouldn't eat, BUT I would FIGHT the compulsive obsessions, PRAYING for forgiveness & help the WHOLE TIME. My constant suffering was BASED ON FOOD & SELF, and so it drove me to CLING TO GOD ALL THE MORE, desperately wanting to abandon BOTH food & self and just lose myself in religion. It was such a mess. But...
...I'm afraid NOT to suffer. My constant hunger only made me hungrier for God. My constant misery made HIS joy all the more vital. Being "healthy" and "fed"-- what a DISGUSTING word-- wouldn't I forget God? Without suffering, could I still be truly religious??
I CANNOT BOTH EAT AND BE GOOD. I CANNOT "FEED" ON BOTH THE WORLD & GOD. I CANNOT BE "NORMAL" AND "HOLY" AT ONCE.
God I'm a mess
but the eating disorder IS A LIAR
IT'S STILL FOCUSED ON FOOD AND THAT DAMN BODY
stop
STOP
EVERYTHING ↑ YOU WROTE IS GARBAGE. YOU'RE SO DAMN BLIND.
EVEN I KNOW THE F*KING TRUTH. SO SHUT UP, LIAR!!
STOP "MAKING EXCUSES" FOR THE EATING DISORDER.
IT DIDN'T HELP! IT JUST TOOK OVER THE THINGS THAT DID!!
SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
AM I THE ONLY "PERSON" WHO CAN "TALK SENSE" ON THIS GODDAMNED TOPIC
STOP MAKING EVERYTHING SO "CEREBRAL"
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS
IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T ME!!!
I'M FED UP WITH YOUR COWARDLY HYPER-"REASONING" BULLSH*T. ALL YOU EVER DO IS TALK BUT YOU NEVER ACTUALLY SAY ANYTHING. YOU NEVER GET TO THE POINT.
WELL GUESS WHAT
I'M ALL F*KING POINTS

THE POINT IS
ADMIT WE ALL F*KED UP.
ALL OF US

WE TRIED TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING WITH THAT DISORDER AND WE FAILED.

GET THAT INTO YOUR INFLATED HEAD

IT DIDN'T EVER F*KING "WORK"!!!

LISTEN I'VE GOT ONE MORE THING TO SAY.
THE POINT.

YOU ASSHOLES KEEP PROUDLY TRYING TO JUSTIFY THE EATING DISORDER AS "SOMETHING THAT WORKED"
BUT FOR WHAT???
WHAT "MADE IT WORK"
CAN YOU EVEN KNOW???

NO
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALONE.
THAT'S WHY YOU SAY IT "WORKED"
BECAUSE IT SHUT YOU DOWN

BECAUSE "DISSOCIATION" FORCED THE FOCUS BACK INSIDE WHERE I LIVE

WHERE ALL OF US LIVE

THE MOMENT YOU REJECTED OUR LIFE IS WHEN THE E.D. TOOK OVER "YOURS."

I GUARANTEE YOU
IF YOU STOP SHUTTING US DOWN,
THAT DAMNED DISORDER WILL DISAPPEAR INSTEAD

pre-breakfast//

Today, for love of my family-- and especially my poor confused brother-- I am courageously choosing to have a MEGA CHALLENGE BREAKFAST: including green tea w/ honey, apple jelly, a banana, and... CHOCOLATE MILK. God, give me YOUR strength, through faithful trust in YOUR ability AND Will to (please) use this effort for the good of my soul AND those of my family!!



post-breakfast//

We have an UNEXPECTED PROBLEM. Literally EVERYTHING in the actual meal was GOOD-- yes, I EVEN ENJOYED the banana AND the milk (only the slightest "nausea/ nerves" response)!!-- BUT. I'm feeling a HATRED RESPONSE to the JELLY & HONEY??? And God knows I TRIED to like them... but I think the true problem is, I tried TOO hard to taste them. I ate half of them FROM the containers. So there's SHAME & GUILT over that, of course. BUT REALLY, I JUST DON'T WANT TO EAT JELLY OR HONEY. I like PLAIN & SAVORY foods-- sugary stuff, like those condiments are, only nauseate me. IS THAT BAD?? Is it considered "avoidant eating" if I honestly just don't enjoy them at ALL? Is that a SIN?? I honestly can't tell, and I think THAT'S why I'm miserable: I tasted AND ate them ALL, and they "WEREN'T BAD," BUT I'd still never choose them as a "like." They're just "not for me." AND SOMEHOW I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT. I "didn't ENJOY them enough" and now I "HATE" them for "PREVENTING ME FROM HEALING"???? I look at the honey & think, "I WANT to like it, but when I tasted it, it triggered MEMORIES OF ANXIETY & DREAD; furthermore the taste itself has NO POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS, so NOW I have to eat it AGAIN and pray for healing THEN-- but NOW, it just WRECKED this "healing meal" by introducing a NEW and EXHAUSTING, SCARY-SUGAR BURDEN, and I'm so tired of unexpected new terror foods. So I "HATE IT" for "hurting me" and "spitefully putting ANOTHER obstacle in my way of recovery." I tried to like it, but didn't, and deep down I feel broken & dirty & wrong now, DESPITE ACTUALLY making MOMENTOUS healing progress on the banana & milk. I feel FORCED to "LIKE EVERYTHING" and I just want the freedom TO "NOT LIKE" THINGS. I look at the jelly and I remember bingeing on it at home to GET RID OF IT because I "HATED" IT EVEN THEN. Except... I didn't?? I DON'T hate it. I just DON'T LIKE IT either. IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? I mean, yeah I DO "like" jelly AS A CONCEPT?? I LIKE cherries & grapes & apricots & apples & strawberries & oranges & peaches & blueberries/ raspberries/ blackberries & quince & ALL the fruits they make jelly & jam & marmalade from-- heck, I even like pineapple, deep down-- AND I like the texture it often has-- like a gel-- BUT!!!! I DON'T LIKE HOW HYPERSWEET IT IS. And I REALLY DON'T LIKE that you HAVE to "put it ON things," thus FORCING THEM TO BE SUGAR-SMOTHERED, & RUINING their essential taste/ texture! BUT WHY DO I FEEL OBLIGATED/ COMPELLED TO "taste" jellies IN THE FIRST PLACE??? Is it just because they LOOK lovely, all shiny clear & colorful in those glass jars, and thus I feel that they MUST TASTE AS NICE, but they DON'T, and the dissonance is IRRECONCILABLE so I now "MUST FORCE HARMONY" by "MAKING MYSELF ENJOY THEM"??? Otherwise, I'M A HYPOCRITE, and "don't REALLY like how they LOOK, then"??? And therefore I "CANNOT" like colorful, shiny, clear pretty glass things EITHER, "BECAUSE they look LIKE jelly, BUT YOU DON'T LIKE JELLY, SO MAKE UP YOUR TWO-FACED MIND!!!" IT'S TOTAL HELL. It TORMENTS me. AND it is OBVIOUS TRAUMA TALK!!!! In the end, I AM "NOT ALLOWED TO REFUSE THINGS OR SET BOUNDARIES!!!" It's EXACTLY what the last page in the previous journal was saying about Iscah & "Jessica"-- BOTH of them FORCE jelly consumption, compulsively trying ALL kinds "UNTIL THEY LIKE THEM," SO THEY CAN PLEASE/ NOT OFFEND/ UNDERSTAND/ "BECOME" EVERYBODY... except themselves.
+ All right, I NEED to forgive ALL parties & return to a PEACEFUL, COMPASSIONATE, MERCIFUL/ ACCEPTING state of heart. I need to LET GO of this resentment, ALLOW myself to NOT force jelly, and NOT HATE IT because it feels OBLIGATORY & UNLOVING. I'm tired of feeling bitter & miserable. Jesus, please help me. Only You can soothe my disturbed heart & mind; ONLY You can give TRUE Peace; ONLY YOU can TRULY show me & teach me the RIGHT thing to do here, the thing that will HONOR & PLEASE GOD, NOT SOME ARBITRARY CONDEMNATORY AUDIENCE/ ABUSER. ...Honestly? Weirdly, I'm SCARED to accept it as true, but my IMMEDIATE impression is that, NO, eating the jelly WILL NOT HONOR GOD, because I'm doing it FROM compulsive forcing fear, NOT for nutrition, EVEN THOUGH I'm "trying to like it FOR Mom & Jade & Grandma." Then I hear: "You DON'T have to "prove your love for them" by eating jelly!" "It has NOTHING to do with your sincerity of love BECAUSE it DOES NOT/ CANNOT DO ANYTHING for the GOOD OF THEIR SOUL"??? It's FEAR-BASED: "if THEY like it, then I MUST like it IF I TRULY like them!!" Hypocrisy terror. BUT!!! "THEY ARE NOT FOOD!!! The TRUE essence of who they are HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHETHER OR NOT THEY "LIKE JELLY" IN THIS LIFE!!!" So in the BIG picture, it shouldn't/ doesn't matter? BUT MY MOTIVES DO, don't they??? If I'm ONLY eating it TO love them more by "entering into THEIR unique personality/ life experience" in a small way, then wouldn't REFUSING to try & LEARN to like it be MORAL COWARDICE/ COLDHEARTEDNESS??? And DO I LIKE IT, TRUTHFULLY, ALREADY?? I can't tell. God I CAN'T TELL, because I DON'T KNOW WHAT "LIKES" ARE "MINE" AND WHICH ARE JUST "OBLIGATORY/ ABSORBED" BECAUSE "I MUST LIKE EVERYTHING, EVER." I don't know what's REALLY "me" and what's just FORCED/ IMITATIVE.
✳ EATING SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ABOUT PERSONAL OPINION-- THAT'S DISORDERED BEHAVIOR TOO!! "It's NOT about "what you WANT-- it's about what you NEED TO DO!!... You HAVE to just ADJUST." (Thanks Hannah!!)
+ A further observation... "if your right hand causes you to sin, CUT IT OFF." Right now, eating the honey & jelly WITH this "resistant/ resentful" mindset, FORCING it for "likes/ imitation" and NOT for nutrition, IS SINFUL!!! FURTHERMORE, here I am, "trying to please my mom/ forgive my sibling" THROUGH eating the jelly & honey-- which makes NO LOGICAL OR MORAL SENSE-- BUT I'm doing so in a WAY that is OFFENSIVE & DISOBEDIENT & DISORDERED!!! Eating it right out of packets & jars, licking knives & fingers, putting it on improper foods, etc. NOT ONLY DISREGARDS & BREAKS UNIT RULES, it is ALSO DISHONORABLE & EMBARRASSING TO MY FAMILY!!! So, UNLESS I can eat those foods PROPERLY, MODESTLY, PRUDENTLY, WILLINGLY, OBEDIENTLY, and WITHOUT COMPULSION OR PANICKED "MUSTS," I SHOULD NOT BE EATING IT AT ALL. Doing so in THAT horrendous mindset, FORCING it, CAN ONLY PERPETUATE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS/ ASSOCIATIONS AND REINFORCE THE RESULTING DISORDERED BEHAVIOR!!! Really, it's SELF-ABUSIVE. If I CANNOT choose to eat them FREELY; if I DON'T understand WHY I'm choosing them; if the choice, once made, STILL feels "WRONG"/ unhealthy/ improper EVEN if I'm trying to "MAKE" it right... then STOP!!! DON'T HURT YOUR BODY OR SOUL!!! Decisions MUST be made IN A PROPER MANNER, or they're not TRUE "decisions"-- they're ADDICTIONS & COMPULSIONS.

I'm so depressed.

I can't stop thinking about hell and damnation. I can't stop. I'm so afraid. I keep thinking about sin, sin, sin, all day long, and how horrible I am, and how I keep making mistakes and hurting people and hurting myself, and I am acutely aware of every little fatal error I make during the day and I am crushed with shame and guilt and panic and fear, fear, fear,


I'm terrified to do anything but pray.
I don't want to eat anymore. I keep messing up. I try very hard, but then I get these waves of overwhelming shame and I just throw up and throw out everything I bought.
Today I bought those hemp bites that I love, but I felt so guilty about buying "junk food" (they have sugar in them) that I threw out every single one. And now I want to cry, because that cost a LOT of money, and I enjoy them, but no, "enjoying them is a SIN because they are useless, they aren't real nutrition," so therefore God made me waste them to teach me a lesson, that I will NEVER find happiness or comfort or enjoyment in food, so stop trying. STOP TRYING. God will make you lose ALL your money if you keep spending it on shit like this, and he won't show mercy for your stupidity.

God, I'm so afraid. There's sin everywhere, but I'm scared of seeing the world that way?

Like… the whole modesty thing. "Cover yourself lest you cause someone to lust and sin!!" First of all, WHY do people lust in the first place. It's stupid. Nakedness is innocent and frankly it's pretty and lots of people in our System (mostly cores) appreciate the fact that the human body is just as fascinating a thing as ANY other body, and that has NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX.
So it's really annoying and heartbreaking and terrifying when people keep saying, "don't even look at bare legs on a girl, because that’s IMMORAL and you WILL GO TO HELL." But her legs are really pretty and I don’t want to sleep with her because her body's pretty, that's stupid!
Is it a sin just to look at bodies? I heard someone once say, "the body is God's tabernacle, therefore it must be kept hidden and secret, as it is sacred."
Isn't… isn't all of Creation God's dwelling in a sense? Shouldn't we glorify God through it and its visible existence, the glorious paradox of that? God created these things, God's handiwork is something we can touch, we should be motivated by that reverence whether we hide OR show something. Is that… is that blasphemous to say?

...



The biggest vices we are struggling with now are:
1. cheating
2. stealing food from family members
3. wasting food, almost compulsively
4. lying by omission or secrecy
5. apathy

Where did all of that come from???
Avarice, gluttony, those are vices we've never so much as IMAGINED before and yet here they are. Why??
We don't want to go to hell. We're a good person, deep down we ARE and we know it; we are naturally inclined to do good and help people, we don't want to sin at ALL, so why in the world are these sinful compulsions coming from?
Why do so many of them only occur during consciousness blackouts???
Why is our subconscious so ugly?
How do we fix it? It's sabotaging our very soul.

…

But every time I try to go "without God," I end up utterly miserable and paranoid and anxious and distraught and I feel empty and dirty and wrong and the only thing that can fix it is prayer, and church, and pure undiluted faith. Nothing outsourced, nothing reflected, no middlemen. Just my faith. Just turning to Christ, God become man, the Creator of all coming down into our little world out of love to save us from our corruption. I need God. I will always need God. And I need to be clearly aware of that too. No matter how disturbed or disillusioned or doubtful I my get with my religion, the core of it will never ever disappoint, by virtue of what it is in the first place.

 

EXPRESSING POSITIVE FEELINGS

is a slight problem in my life.

Describe the reason for this answer:
- I feel ashamed/guilty of being positive when someone else is suffering; feels ignorant?
- I feel like my positivity is fake, put-on, foolish, or "manipulative"
- I feel my levels of positivity expression are socially/ situationally inappropriate or unwise


Positive feelings that are the easiest for me to express include:
- Gratitude, appreciation
- Peace, harmony
- Hope, courage

Positive feels that are the most difficult for me to express include:
- Love, affection
- Joy, excitement, interest, enjoyment
- Support, concern, inspiration, motivation, care


BOREDOM
is a "slight problem" in my life.

Describe the reason for this answer:
- I feel too tired, sad, mentally exhausted to restart most of my creative work
- Feeling "not allowed" to take time for myself/ my interests due to other responsibilities/ caretaking

I enjoy the following hobbies or activities:
- going outside & literally just wandering around
- building things/ putting things together? "ARTISTIC" construction
- playing music skillfully but w/o an audience or performance criteria
- researching things I find interesting & creatively building upon them

As a result of my addiction, I gave up these activities:
- playing/composing music, reading, researching, studying language, writing, journaling, exploring, jogging, going to choral concerts, going to school, playing good video games, watching good movies, traveling, going places socially but safely, Scripture study, volunteering, working out, painting, color studies & design, working w/ dad, cleaning/organizing, finding new music

Of this list, I miss the following activities the most:
- TRAVEL, research & creative-building

New activities or interests that I could get involved with include:
- learning to play cello & harp & drums
- hands on, practical work? like construction or a trade
- robotics? biology? chemistry? physics? LANGUAGE? "structural" studies
- skateboarding? parkour? "free" movement feeling. (Dance??) (SPORTS?)

Are you bored with recovery? If so, explain why:
- I feel stagnant and stuck, like no matter how many obligatory "behavior goals" I meet, deep down I'm still not recovered somewhere important.

What excites me and makes me feel passionate or feel good about my life is:
- MOVEMENT; LEARNING/STUDY
- Anything to do with STRUCTURE?
- Going outside, seeing new things
- helping others w/o being shackled to repetition/stagnancy?

My goal in relation to my boredom is:
- to not feel guilty/ ashamed/ angry about wanting to do truly nice enjoyable things
- to not feel guilty/ ashamed about being my OWN person with my OWN interests
- to schedule these good things SOLIDLY into my DAILY routing and STICK TO 'EM

Steps I will take to reach this goal are:
- listing things I enjoy/ want to learn & drafting a tentative "schedule" for them, PRUDENTLY
- trying, however briefly, one new thing every day-- even if just researching a new thing, walking somewhere new, trying a new food, etc.
★ACCOMPLISHABLE WITHIN A DAY WITHOUT PILING UP!!! "done and done"

Potential benefits of reaching my goal are:
- a richer, happier, freer, brighter, fuller, more joyous & alive life experience
- the ability to DO more; to feel more "a part of" the world and its people & THEIR lives




DEPRESSION
is a "serious problem" in my life.

Depression has affected my life in the following ways:
- not caring about treatment anymore, lack of motivation, future feels empty & stagnant

I am currently depressed because:
- I'm not letting myself BE myself; I'm so scared of going "home" that I'm letting it drain all the joy out of the present

Do you have a lot of negative, pessimistic, or depressing thoughts? Explain:
- I feel that optimism & "hoping for the best" is childish & stupid? "Look at all the pain in the world-- what maes you think YOU deserve any better??" Feel that peace/ joy/ health is "a sign that I'm not fighting demons anymore" NOT out of victory, but out of MORALLY CORRUPT PRIDE/ SELF-SATISFACTION.

My addiction and my depression are connected in the following ways:
- I DON'T HAVE an eating disorder OR substance addiction UNLESS I'M DEPRESSED. 


FEELING EMPTY
is a moderate problem in my life.

What makes me feel good about myself or feel a sense of purpose and satisfaction is:
- Helping others heal in concrete ways, but STILL being able to help myself heal in the process; doing creative arts (music, painting, writing) that have end results that really touch people's hearts

I feel like I am not using my talents, abilities or creativity. Explain:
- I feel obligated to just "hang around the house" for emotional/social support, and am therefore barred from travel, study, art, & music?

My use of alcohol or other drugs affected my feeling empty or joyless by:
- Taking up ALL my free time & money & attention, robbing me of BOTH my opportunities and ability to be creatively productive, AND of my opportunities/ abilities to honestly, tangibly help other people heal & grow & better their lives

I do feel connected to God or a Higher Power. Explain:
- I do, powerfully so, but I am terrified that He wants me to ONLY cater to others? I want to use my GOD-GIVEN TALENTS to help people grow closer to God, too-- AND to be a LIVING testament to Him in my DAILY LIFE, no matter WHERE OR WHAT I'm doing!! I want to stay in the Church, but ALSO CARRY the Church in my heart!!!

Steps I will take to overcome feelings of emptiness:
- Set short/ medium/ long term goals that are achievable & not overwhelming
- Schedule my days & weeks, INCLUDING "simple things time" to just recharge & relax!!
- Nurture my relationships & community responsibilities PRUDENTLY = no burnout!!

Potential benefits of reaching this goal:
- Not overwhelmed but not empty either!
- Restored sense of progress, purpose, helpfulness, joy, & excitement for daily life



GRIEF
is a moderate problem in my life.

List any losses you believe are contributing to your grief:
- Loss of family connections/interaction
- Loss of friendships-- Q, Y, XD, KN, E? O?
- Loss of sense of supportive creative community-- JT, BP, D
- Loss of educational career
- Loss of LIFE/TIME due to trauma/ mental illness
- Loss of past creative works

Describe your grief in relation to losses listed above. Focus on your feelings and thoughts.
- I feel aimless & identity-shaken
- I feel isolated
- I feel "barred" from the possibility of a healthy future in the "real world"
- I feel trapped & scared

Describe how your grief has affected your substance use, physical heath and mental health.
- I turned to the E.D. to fill the "endless empty space" associated w/ lack of future hopes



GUILT AND SHAME
are a severe problem in my life.

Behaviors or actions on my part during my active addiction that I feel guilty about include:
- Stealing money to use on the addiction, wasting food & money, wasting OTHERS' food & money, lying, hiding, cheating, manipulating others, not spending time w/family, not realizing/caring how the addiction affected them, bringing shame & misery onto my family

Of these behaviors, the ones I feel the most guilt about are:
- Stealing
- Lying
- Not spending time with my family
- Skipping/ abandoning community obligations

My addiction changed me in the following ways:
- IT DIDN'T.
All that junk was a TEMPORARY LIE.
I'm just so, so distraught that it happened.

My goal in relation to my feelings of guilt and shame is:
- To not hate myself for the horrible things I did while I was sick, but would NEVER do sober
- To restore, as much as possible, my family's trust/ love/ forgiveness towards me
- To focus on a NEW life AWAY from my foolish past mistakes & poor choices

Steps I will take to reach this goal are:
- Focus on the Good that is STILL IN ME
- Admit flat-out what I did and contritely ask for forgiveness
- Make amends by helping others heal, replacing what I took/ damaged/ destroyed, and PROVING BY MY ACTIONS THAT I AM HEALED!

Potential benefits of reaching my goal are:
- Restored family harmony
- Restored sense of self-respect and hope
- A will to live

...

I think all those months of being told I was "a liar," "a monster," "a manipulator," etc. and then screaming those same hateful things to "myself" in the mirror for hours, really... took a toll on our well-being at large.

It's disgusting. It's heartbreaking. It's terrible. For so, so long, we've had this burned into our subconscious-- since childhood, when our mother first told us "YOU'RE the cause of every fight in this family," et cetera, hitting a breaking point with the post-SLC fallout in which we became so convinced that we were "evil at the core" that we tried to kill ourself, and escalating to a fever pitch when our brother moved back in with the wrong face and the wrong hair and the wrong eyes and started hissing at us that we were a horrible person EVERY TIME HE SAW US.

It got to the point where something in us snapped and said "if that's what you want me to be, fine. I'll MAKE your words come true.
I'll MAKE an alter to fulfill ALL your bitter wishes."

And it did.

And we're furious and miserable at what she did when she was in power.

God willing she's dead now. We're annihilating every single one of her access points and addictions and things and although her triggers are still lingering like electrocution spasms, she herself hasn't been allowed to so much as blink in about three weeks. Thank God. I hope she stays dead.



But I feel like our life is ruined.
That part of us succumbed to despair and basically sold our soul, basically crushed our reputation and hopes, basically turned us into our worst fears for REAL. And it ruined our family relationships, and it ruined all our friendships too. I think it even ruined the new ones.
Everything feels like a blast zone right now, just nothing but cold toxic dust as far as the eye can see. Thanks to her, thanks to that damn alter deciding she was going to "make their words come true" WHO THE HELL SAID THAT HAD TO BE TRUE?????
WHY WERE WE ALWAYS SO AFRAID TO SAY 'NO' THAT WE NEVER EVEN STOOD UP TO STATEMENTS LIKE THAT?????

And now look at us.


Stop. You're making this worse. You're succumbing to despair too.
She's dead. Let her stay dead. Let the past to rot. Leave it behind for good. Don't even think about it.
If we need to reset everything again, let's do it. Headspace has felt dead since last October anyway. We're in desperate need of a massive change. This is the perfect time.
Let's abandon EVERYTHING that harms us, everything that doesn't work. Just drop it and don't even give it a second thought. Leave it and keep walking. That's what we have to do.

Life feels like a bad dream right now, so for heaven's sakes, let's wake up.

Let's start this over, better. Please.
Let's build something new.

 

 

 

I've consecrated myself (and Jewel did too) to God as a "victim soul," one who is willing to suffer as Christ did out of love for the conversion of sinners, to take upon themselves some of the debt other sinners must pay, to help their conversion, to save them from damnation.

It's what I've felt obligated to do since childhood, in a collective sense. Even that somewhat foggy-headed girl part of me, the one who stopped living actively around 2007, the one who is perpetually about 14-15, even she is aware of that background whisper, the joint fear and desire, fused in the feeling of scapegoat and martyr both.

In our very very young years, before all memory, we were obsessed with blood. I'm not sure why. It still stands out so much in my head that one of our earliest pieces of artwork, from kindergarten-- age 5-- was of a smiling, rosy-cheeked bat, whose claws were dripping with blood. Our favorite dream ever, in first grade-- age 6-- was of us being a bat, on some sort of adventure, climaxing in my being trapped in an icy, snowy cave, with sharp claw-like stalactites tearing into my chest, pouring my blood all over the silent whiteness, ripping deep to my heart.
I loved that sort of thing. Deep down, I still do. Deep down, THAT is what defines me.

When did we lose sight of it?

I feel today, we were guided to get it back.
Yes, we want an innocent, white, snow-glitter heart, all lilies and tiny flowers and softness. We want that so deeply. But, just as deeply, we want a heart that is rich and red, pierced with swords and thorns, bleeding and joyous, soaking into the cottony fragility of purity and enriching it with a love so profoundly sincere that it becomes a new color altogether, red and white, inextricable.

I think that's what I'm being called to be.
We haven't had a "host reset" in way too long, and I think that is why. We kept assuming the Core had to be White, but that wasn't working as we hoped; guys kept freezing, bleaching, fading, calcifying. Pure White wasn't working; a key piece was missing.
I was researching alchemy for a while and I was shocked to realize that white comes before red, and red before gold.
I keep thinking of Sandmen pajamas.

Anyway. The point of tonight's writing is… when I first consecrated myself, verbally and in total sincerity, I was basically on my knees and soaking the floor with tears and snot, to be blunt. Sobbing and scared and unsure what I was even trying to say, but knowing in my heart what I wanted to do, beyond the crippling fear, beyond the doubts and confusion. My head had been too clouded by thoughts of doom and damnation, I felt incapable of love, I felt lost and didn't know why… and… would you know, it was a simple tag statement from E that broke through my paralyzed heart and left me genuine and weeping.
"he's an absolute sweetheart."
I just…
after several days, weeks, months, of feeling utterly cut off from God and love and those I love here, of being able to love at all, that simple little statement of sincere friendship just pierced my heart and
it was exactly what I needed.

i wanted to live up to that again, more than anything.

I was scared, at first. I thought being a "victim soul" meant living like that forever-- waking up shaking with fear, constantly paranoid of sin, sobbing constantly, never happy, never feeling peace, never feeling capable of love for self, never feeling capable of loving others enough or with any real honesty… it was hell.
I was wrong.
I read a lot of accounts of "victim soul" saints and that did scare me too, to read about how intense some of their trials were, but..
(11:11 just now)
Sickness, stigmata, possession, abuse, poverty, the whole package-- these saints accepted it all with joy and patience, many of them even entering ecstatic states during the worst of it, despite being bedridden and in agonizing pain.

I thought of Laurie and I remembered how I used to adore when she "beat the sh*t out of me" because it made me feel loved for some reason. I took the 'abuse' because it was penitent and she didn't hate me, she hated that I was acting against love, and her violence was a way to not only expunge my sins but to tune me back into a selfless mindset.
It's so weird. Pain, for me and many of those saints at least, is weirdly… holy?
I think that's why part of me is still struggling greatly with the end of the hacks. Yes, it was literal hell for over a decade, but in that struggle, in that seemingly endless suffering, we grew. We did penance, we offered it up, we thought, "if our suffering this can save even one soul from suffering this instead…" we bled and cried and prayed and we became better people and looking back, as weird as it sounds, I wouldn't sacrifice any of that journey for what it accomplished. Yes, thank God it's over, but also praise God for the good he wrought through it.
Then it stopped cold turkey and we were left reeling in the sudden absence of pain.
I think THAT'S why we started abusing so badly with the eating disorder. We were desperate for suffering, for the compassion it brought with it, for the empathy, for the penance, for the lifting up of the mind above the body and to God. We weren't sure how to get it anymore though, now that atoning was forbidden by the family, and was no longer needed for its original purpose anyway. So in a desperate, lost, addled mess, we just started beating up our body in a "non-violent" way, longing for some sense of purpose again.
Does this make sense?

I wondered, momentarily, if God didn't want me to carry heavy bloody trials because I'd enjoy them and maybe I'm supposed to actually suffer first, or carry some totally different kind of suffering for people out there. I personally think this mental agony of screaming floating voices and psychosomatic terror is a big part of our being a "victim soul" already, and God willing it's not only doing penance but also saving other people from suffering the same. That's all I want.

But I said the Rosary twice today, once in the prayer space and it took an hour to battle past the pain and fatigue and scrupulosity-driven do-overs, and once kneeling by the bed with the grandmother. That second time was easier because we said the Sorrowful Mysteries and by the 3rd (the Crowning with Thorns), I got the sudden idea that "hey, if it's so hard to meditate on the Mystery while speaking (a mental multitasking that, currently, personally detracts from my fully devoted attention to either), why don't I take that duality completely out of the equation, and feel the Mystery?"
Meaning, put myself through sharp pain while saying the decade.
It worked. And not only did it work, it annihilated all feelings of spiritual dryness. I cannot properly put it into words but the instant I dug our nails into our forehead, wondering what the thorns felt like, the shock of pain made me totally, completely willing to suffer an actual piercing crown, blood and all, out of love for the God Made Man who suffered that for love of us, and of love for the people He died for and who I, too, wanted to see brought safely to heaven. I thought of my friends, of my family, of the people I loved, of people I'd never known but who needed prayers and intercession, of all the souls in Purgatory… and with a different bunch of nails biting into my skin, I was completely and selflessly and lovingly willing to take my Cross all the way to the hill for their sake.
All because I felt the pain that our Savior felt, and in that participation, also felt his love.

That's why I'm not scared of being a victim soul anymore. I finally, finally tasted that love again. After only being able to tap into it after Communion on weekdays lately, in states of ecstatic weeping praise, suddenly I had it in what was potentially all the trials of my earthly life outside the walls of the church, in the place I had lost it for so long.
Suddenly I'm… not scared anymore. Deep down, where it matters, where headspace resonates, where Infinitii was born, I'm not scared anymore. Deep down, where God lives and washes everything white by virtue of the red he spilled, I'm not scared anymore, because my heart gets it, and now the only thing is making sure I NEVER forget it-- incorporating that resonance into every aspect of my existence, every word and action and thought and feeling, because it IS me, God me praised this IS ME, this is what I've lost touch with for so long, this is me, you have no idea how I feel like crying with joy right now but I'm alive again and I'm so bloody happy and even though there's a LOT of work to be done in this world yet I feel like I'm finally back in tune enough to do my part fully again.

God, continue to strengthen us in Your love. That's all we need, is Your grace, to follow in Your Word and to be salt and light for the earth. It's natural when you get down to it; sin is unnatural and if we just… sweep it away, really tap into the Source of Good, even just for a moment, you can feel that. Again, words do it no proper justice but the sentiment, fumbling as it is, is there. God, thank You for all You have done for us so far, for all You have done through us, and I humbly ask that You simply continue to guide us on this path, away from temptation and confusion, in all light and holiness, as You wish all Your children to walk in always.
Continue to guide us, so that we may always be a beacon to You for others, to that Truth which we know at the very core of our heart(s) to be life and love and light itself. Amen.

I have nothing else to say for right now. I need sleep before work tomorrow, and every morning is another battle, so to speak-- virtue vs vice, as long as we live in a world where the Enemy is indeed trying to stop everything truly Good. But we'll pull through. We won't give up. I can promise you that.

Have a blessed night, everyone, and may the Creator of all that is fill you with the serenity and strength you need for the dawn.
As for my part, I send all my genuine love and compassion to all of you. May God grant me the grace to always be there for you in your need as well.