jan 3 2016

[prismaticbleed]

 

I'm actively suicidal tonight.

If I had enough pills I would. If I had a sharp enough blade I would. If I had access to a highway overpass or apartment roof I would.


I'm so scared and I'm in so much pain and the dissociative abuse is getting so bad now that our body is just... collapsing.

We had an explicit and disturbing rape nightmare last night that was unbearably painful and so we felt filthy and wrong and dirty all day and that just opened the door for numb fronters to come in and further decimate the body, wanting nothing more than to utterly destroy the source of such intolerable suffering.


...

I dont know what else to say.

I feel like vomiting because someone bought all this shit with our Christmas money that we were SUPPOSED to be saving and now I'm desperate and scared because can we even sell this stuff??
I'm so damn sad. I want to sell every fcking item in this room, I am so damn tired of owning things.
If I can't sell them I'll donate them. I just want it all gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.


I'm so damn tired.

 

 

 

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@10:36 PM

 

...

the universe just... threw so much synchronicity at me after we posted that last entry.

even worse(better), 75% of it related directly to the blue guy.

...

god,
this is why i stay alive, for little things like this.

...

i'm going to try and do some creative work instead of anything else.
i'm obsessively reading religious stuff again (as the thought immediately upon closing the last entry was "we need to just become a priest or join a monastery") but it's breaking my heart because of all the lgbt+ discrimination still going on within it and it's only going to make our mood worse.

nevertheless we were led to some good links through that search too.
i did find a word for what we've been needing lately. hesychasm. it's the "going within to pray" bit. we've been so crushed by fear, guilt, and shame-induced despair lately that we haven't been praying much solely because we feel too filthy to do so.
and then that word led us to articles like this.
...i don't know. nights like tonight feel like getting your face washed after after having been asleep in the dirt for weeks. it's... a door opening. a hand offered. it's a step up. it's nice. we need this.


we also just logged into our dA fanart account and... geez. i forgot we used to draw so much. what was that like?
i wonder if we can get the wacom working on here well again. i'd like to at least try to draw... practice makes perfect after all, and we won't make any improvements if we don't put forth the effort first.




anyway. our sole obstacle to all this is the ego-based alter group that is isolated from our spiritual progress out of pride and/or apathy. the plague. tar isn't asdangerous in this sense because it's utterly annihilatory but it can't take root in this sort of psychospiritual state unless the plague does first. the plague scoffs and spits and jeers and mocks, calls everything sensitive and fragile and honest "stupid" and "shameworthy," and then the tar steps in and screams that you're a whore who deserves to die.
that's difficult to stand up against sometimes. jay can do it, but jay has the luxury of isolation from the things that other alters like jessica hold. real sins, things that MERIT shame and guilt and fear. they hear those accusations not as empty curses but as legitimate condemnations, and out of unbearable horror they just perpetuate their "sinful state," feeling they have no other option, feeling they are unworthy of anything better, too terrified to attempt to do anything good because every effort is met with more internal hateful screaming.
we've talked about this. it's still an issue.
but we are making progress.


talking about this right now isn't helping, at least, me talking about this isn't helping, because i'm just rambling it off. i'm not feeling what we apparently need to feel, the brightness and hope and faith and such.


let the artists try to draw, let us figure out why there's still so much shame tied to THAT, too, and get rid of it.

...there it is, though, we talked about that too, it's shame at loving anything, shame at ever taking personal joy in anything, especially something we did ourselves... shame in the fear that it's all pride, all manipulation, all promiscuity, and that fear is fed by jessica and the brown jezebel reveling in those very sins and proclaiming that "that's the REAL us," and then the alters on her level live their days trembling and shaking in terror because "if we die, are we going straight to hell?" believing her and being totally unaware of the healing the headvoices have done.

...
we'll figure this out. we'll get this properly integrated and smoothed out so it doesn't rip gashes in our hands anymore when we touch it.

but the previous alter was right. we need to... untap from the internet, just tap into us, something we haven't done in far too long, at least not for long enough.

...i'll work through any shame that hits me, any inherited fears. that's my job.


but like i said.
the universe is giving us that sad-eyed look of compassion, the feeling of "here, look, listen, you're still my beloved child, you're still worthy in my eyes, just do better. i have faith in you. i know you can do it." and it's not a condemnation. "do better" doesn't mean "you're absolute sh*t," it means "you're currently hurting yourself terribly and treating yourself utterly unworthily of what you are. i want to see you better, i want to see you happy, and i will help you walk that road out of suffering, even if it's a painful road. you CAN do it."
but deep down our most damaged ones are so afraid, they keep perpetuating abuse cycles, they're so hopeless,
they're the ones we need to work with first, and fast.
i'll try to talk to a few of them tonight. show them good things. show them that they're worth love and happiness too, absolutely.
jess-jezebel is sneering at me, scoffing. why? what in the world harm would it do you if these lost girls learned to lov themselves? why do you turn away in deaf discomfort when i start talking like this?

there's a lot of knee-jerk hate and anger and despair in this body, and it's tied to the socials, and we need to heal it.

therapy is tomorrow. we'll make progress then.


as of right now, i'm going to soak up this wave of love and reassurance from existence, and i'm going to ring with it like a cathedral bell, and i don't care who tries to laugh and point fingers at me and condemn me for feeling. there's nothing "wrong" about this.
"yes there is," she says,
what's wrong with it then?
"you're feeling love."
and?
"it's disgusting."
they say the word itself like it's rotten. they spit their judgment with bitter revulsion.

i don't get where that came from, but there it is, and it's tied to jess-jezebel and her caustic muddy pride, burning and painful, with a face-splitting sneer and hate in her coalfire eyes.
where did she come from, what's her deal?

is all we can do against her is just exist? is just being the most effective tactic we can use?
when they make it excruciatingly difficult just to front, just to stay in the body, just to project an overlay without them clawing at it and ripping us apart, maybe the most powerful act we can make is to just not give in. just keep trying. never give up.

laurie's liking this. and this is the first we've tapped into headspace all day.
she can see me now and she's tearing up and grinning and asking "where the f* have you been" and
this feeling is what i live for.
this blooming of clear light and color all through our chest, out through our arms, up into our face and head, expanding like a sphere of brilliance outwards.
and when that happens, we feel alive. we want to live. the road to the future appears. the present moment exists. we feel alive.


i think this is what the previous author needs to feel.

i know physical life is hard, love. you're incredibly brave for even dealing with it in the first place. but don't let it overwhelm you. it's just one part of existence. you're always welcome up here, and if you ever need a rest, or reassurance, or just comfort, we're here for you. always.
we'll help you out with the hard work down there whenever you need it, so just ask. or at least keep the channels open if you can. we'll help you out. it'll be okay. i promise.


we can do this if we do it together. that's the only catch, and it's a pretty nice one if i do say so myself.


time to log off. have a good night everyone.