the spectrum heart cathedral system

All right so this morning has been AMAZING let's update quickly so we don't forget things.
(btw so you guys know. this is technically NOT the "main Core." I'm a "Jewel-adjacent" grafifoni and I typically update the archives. I'm not used to being "self-aware" but honestly I should be. But yeah, you'll recognize my typing style!) ANYWAY here's what's happened so far this morning:

- We DIDN'T DIE during the night. Yesterday was LITERAL HELL concerning the eating disorder and it took us like six hours to recover?? which is understandable because it was REALLY BAD, the worst it's been since before September. We're not sure what triggered such a huge meltdown?
It was fear, too many danger foods, they had to be destroyed. But no one had to eat them like they did. We could have just thrown them away.
That's not allowed, that's wasting!! Food is meant to be eaten
but you DIDN'T "eat them," you just purged them anyway!
But the eating still happened, that's the rule, food has to be eaten, if we just threw it out we'd get in big trouble
So you threw it "up" instead.
we HAD to it was POISON we would have DIED!!
see this is why we CANNOT buy such things anymore. it is too dangerous, there is no positive end result from purchasing them.
- Chaos 0 told the "Core" (who is still faceless/nameless for the most part and therefore unstable) that "your heartbeat was really weak" and it scared him. This observation struck the Core like a sword to the chest though, because if anything is going to make us feel more real/alive/true, it's THAT sort of reference. And of course, only he would know such a thing. The intimacy of it, plus the familiarity, was potent enough to drag us out of the depressive fear that would have possibly taken hold otherwise.
- Cronometer crashed, we can't log in on the app. Support says there's an update soon so we have to wait, until then we can only use the website. So instead of freaking out we're going to just "repeat" today's diet plan until we can access the app and its mathematics again. This may work in our favor, because today's diet plan was our effort to balance our macros with hempseed to get more of a complete protein total, as well as staying at 1350 calories. If this works well we'll stick to it more often. We do need to reintroduce cottage cheese into our diet for the complete protein bit (we tend to hit all green percentages when we eat it too, we noticed) until we get the guts to finally reintroduce salmon/ tuna/ chicken/ turkey outside of a hospital environment.
- On that note, really quick. Apparently, YES, WE DID DISSOCIATE DURING TBHU. No one is surprised, but it's still a heavy blow. We relapsed IMMEDIATELY upon discharge because THE BLOODY CONTEXT CHANGED and therefore whoever was managing the TBHU behaviors "LEFT." They switched out b/c they CAN'T "exist" outside of an inpatient setting; they're context-locked. This ALWAYS HAPPENS.
- The above point is really making us worried when it comes to Anxi, but we'll get to that as we continue this entry.
- Breakfast always is interesting. Since experience has shown us that we apparently "need" the body to be in a state of "automated repetitive motion" in order for our mind to be able to think-- is this an ADHD thing? TBHU suspected as much; we should look into it prudently-- the mechanical function of eating almost INSTANTLY triggers thought-avalanches (hence the E.D.; we weren't taking ANY time to journal (typing COUNTS as automated repetitious mechanic motion!) or to circle-walk like Jewel used to, the a.r.m.m. of cooking (measure, chop, prep, etc.)/ cleaning (washing, organizing, etc.) / eating (picking, sorting, etc.)/ and the like became our ONLY means of "mental unloading" (for lack of a better term) AND trauma processing (you would not BELIEVE the amount of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts we get WHILE EATING which only makes it worse-- AND is a perfect ironic parallel to the purging, because "we need to get the poison out") in lieu of ALL other coping mechanisms, thanks to the kakofoni and thriskefoni ironically forbidding or destroying positive options). HOWEVER being aware of this recently has revealed a few things to us: one, that when phagofoni are out, they can "prevent" such avalanches? There's that one "dragon" girl who keeps fronting to eat, and she focuses on eating and has no particular preferences (unlike Emmett, who is a "trogofoni"-- meaning his food-anchor is extremely particular; he could and did ONLY eat "green food"). Yes, we're refining our terms further. On that note, an "esthiofoni" is a phagofoni subtype for one who eats in a disordered way-- that Greek work chosen because in Scripture it's apparently typically used in the present tense, as in literal eating, right now; whereas "phago" is apparently aorist? It's more future/undefined in terms of chronology, being more "spiritual" in that symbolic sense. It's also used in more reverent passages in Scripture, according to Strong's concordance. So "esthio" feels more fitting for the E.D. voices, as they're more focused on right now, and are not thinking about "the future" at all, poor tormented things.
- ANYWAY. WE DO HAVE A "GATEKEEPER." We've been more aware of her recently, now that we're able to pay better attention to ALL the foni we hear on a minute-to-minute basis. She's ancient but we never saw her as a person? Or maybe we did, in the past, but as a kakofoni-- because she's VERY controlling but we apparently have completely misunderstood her function until now. And she ALWAYS speaks up during breakfast thought-rushes (we need jargon for this; it's literally like we start the a.r.m.m. and the brain just unloads everything at once) because HER job is actually to KEEP THINGS ON TRACK?? Like if there's "too much headspace stuff" going on to where we're dissociating entirely from the meal, therefore potentially triggering an E.D. relapse, this "gatekeeper" girl will "FORCE SHIFT" our awareness because "there's too much thinking going on; we need to pay attention." We think she can also "force stop" EMOTIONS if they are "interfering" with "what we need to do"?? Maybe "gatekeeper" isn't the best term for her, because she "force-stops" EVERYTHING (or at least tries to) but yes, she also DOES do this with fronters, as well as she can-- she cannot "make someone front" OR "force someone out", BUT she CAN apparently shove awareness into the physical to the point where it "automatically" KICKS OUT nousfoni, and therefore "forces IN" a somafoni?? So this gatekeeper girl is TRYING to help the BODY survive, or at least "not get overwhelmed" to the point of not being able to live in the physical realm? But she OVERCORRECTS and tends to "lock us out of headspace" with her efforts. But we realize she's just doing her job; she doesn't think headspace is "bad," she just apparently thinks it's almost always "inappropriate for right now." She's survival-based to the point of not letting us LIVE. So we need to find her name and face so we can TALK to her.
- HOWEVER since we're now AWARE of her she IS becoming more self-aware in turn and it's getting easier to "message her" when we want to "challenge" one of her orders, or even overturn it outright. She's slowly realizing that we DO need time to "get out of the physical" but there is still a time and place for her function, because we can take it too far in the other direction, which we did for many years. That's also the basis of the "hackers vs hijackers" difference, which we realized yesterday-- "hackers" are internally based, while "hijackers" are externally based. A hacker will "take over the program," from the INSIDE, and they only work in private, because their abuse-- however traumatically physical-- is also profoundly psychologically disturbing, because it REQUIRES forced fronting. A hijacker, however, "takes over the vehicle." They push you out of fronting but they're public and work OUTSIDE so unlike hackers, they CAN and DO operate in social situations. They are therefore physically traumatic first and foremost, because the psychological terror often only hits when they leave. The biggest difference: hackers deal with sexual abuse, hijackers deal with the eating disorder. There is NO overlap there, although they can work in cooperation/ in succession. There haven't been any hackers since CNC, though, because of foni like the "gatekeeper girl" basically shutting EVERYTHING down that could even slightly be a reminder of that time period. But that's too huge of a topic to discuss right now.
- The MAIN thing we got on here to update about in the first place is WHAT happened when our brain went upstairs for breakfast. I don't know how exactly it started, but it went to the IO2 controlroom-- apparently IN "HEARTSPACE"??? Like this place has ALREADY been INTERNALIZED to the point where it EXISTS IN THE INNERVERSE AND CAN BE VISITED/ CONTACTED. Which we admittedly suspected, as Anxi & Ennui both "kept going there" more often than we'd see them in Central, but we never realized it had actually anchored INTO our innerverse (as opposed to remaining in the "outerverse" of outspacer native worlds, that Jewel has to Link to and VISIT externally).
- There was SO much conversation, I can't remember all of it, and the more time passes the more we're forgetting. let's bulletpoint the details that stand out.
+ OH! It ALL began because of an "I wonder" thought scenario that blossomed into a "real thing" like how a dream starts from an ideaseed. (This is TYPICAL Heartspace function!) The thought was, how would emotions run a CPTSD brain? And we thought, Anxi would absolutely be in charge. Fear would be close by, and so would Anger? Anxi would be on CONSTANT lookout for triggers, when one hit-- even a minor one-- Fear would snap to attention, and then ANGER would, upset that we were triggered, especially by "something so stupid" or minor or not even "threatening"? And then SADNESS surprisingly spoke up, saying how sad it was that we had so many triggers in the first place, because of what happened to us. So the four of them would, theoretically, be running the show. Somewhere around here this "imagining" tuned us in to the legit innerverse control-room, where Anxi was now indeed at the control panel, by herself, with everyone else gathered loosely around her.
+ Anxi is still "in charge" in this innerverse room apparently. (At some point much later she acknowledged this by saying that we had CPTSD, so things "worked differently" than what would be typical?)
+ When all this started she was being questioned by the other emotions about "how'd you get a tail" mainly but Anxi wouldn't answer outright? But she did say it was "given to her" by either "someone special" or "someone who cares about me very much"; both of those sentiments were voiced in some manner regardless. Joy began teasing Anxi about this, trying to get more info, but Anxi said there were some things they didn't have to know right now, either because it wasn't right for them to know or it wasn't the right time, etc.
+ Anxi is VERY "business" in this context; it's her element. She's quieter and slower when in Central because it's a totally different context/ environment and she has no control panel there. Her function is different, and much more expansive.
+ Envy wanting a tail too, Ennui casually revealing that she had one as well, this shocked everyone because what the heck are these two emotions up to that they're getting special stuff and have knowledge that no one else does?
+ Hints here and there kept happening that they're not in "Riley's" head, BUT they DIDN'T KNOW THAT NAME here (I think Anxi referenced it once and everyone else was baffled). They've been removed from that context and would only know it through "exomemories" once they were capable of receiving them.
+ The conversation evolved to the point where Anxi was revealing a bit more about "what she was doing" outside of that context (i.e. in Central). I notably remember that she revealed that "she can feel other emotions" and this became APPARENT when it began to affect the other literal emotions there? This first happened when Joy teased Anxi about something concerning her hinted-at relationship with the Core (i.e. the person whose mind they were in) and Embarrassment hit the control panel, for ANXI. When they realized they were working for each other it was shocking; things WERE different up here; what did this mean for them? (mind you they can and do "feel other emotions" in canon but NOT to THIS extent-- we're talking the capacity for Anger to feel sadness, for Ennui to feel joy, for Disgust to feel anxious, etc. in STRONG ways that go above and beyond their mostly "monochromatic" emotion palettes in the film? like ALL of their emotional ranges were still tinged by their core emotion. joy being the notable exception because she's just as notably duotoned. Anxi has a touch of this with her eyes technically being teal, which actually fuels her anxious thoughts-- that bit of "envy" in the sense of "what we don't have and yet need/ want" drives her "not good enough" core fear. thankfully for her, that color teal in our System falls under aqua and that color is sheer love for us so her heart will change to reflect that instead)
+ Ennui at some point built on this revelation by responding to a question from Anger as to why she had an AUX cable for a tail, because apparently its main function was for audio/music and "doesn't that prevent boredom?" Ennui smirked and said yeah, that's kind of the point; just because she held that emotion didn't mean she liked being bored. Like Anxi, she now had a broader existence and her job is notably to indicate boredom and combat it, as it were. I think she asked Anger if he "liked" being angry all the time? And he falteringly said not really, it was exhausting
+ Envy drawing pictures in the corner of the room of "what she wanted her tail to look like"-- one frustrated attempt was "a remote control" so she could do what she wanted with the control panel without having to reach it, while still being different (special) from Ennui's phone. Anxi having to gently chide her that the whole point of her & Ennui's tails was to do something important for the person whose mind they were in-- they weren't just for "looks" or for "fun." Besides, she emphasized that they were "given," and if she was meant to get one she would, so don't worry so much about it (always surprised at how well Anxi can communicate "the facts/ the plan" despite being so prone to "unexpected outcome" panic. girl has major control issues God bless her)
+ Embarrassment at one point actually speaking up because Joy kept trying to get information out of Anxi and apparently he was feeling her emotions as "embarrassment-adjacent"? And he was getting "agitated" at getting "pulled" to the control panel so often. This surprised him and he said that was totally new, he didn't know he could feel that.
+ Joy finally got Anxi to talk about "where she's been" and Anxi started TELLING THEM ABOUT CENTRAL. She said that "the mind we're in now has another System running the operation" and so the way they worked as emotions HAD to be different now, because their typical jobs no longer applied.
+ She roughly introduced the "basics" of a few Centralites, just in terms of jobs? No faces given
+ At some point Laurie just TURNED ON THE SCREEN and started TALKING TO THEM FROM CENTRAL.
+ Laurie explaining the concept of "compartmentalized emotions" with CPTSD, how they are "cut off from each other" and we typically struggle to feel emotions at all because they're "locked away" often? She described it as if the IO2 emotions were "never in the same room together"; that feeling of isolation/ disconnection was key to her description.
+ Laurie telling Sadness her function was VITAL; explained how that emotion is "the holy grail" with trauma; we "aren't allowed to cry" but we're "always grieving" basically. I think Laurie referenced both the "weeping rage" emotion we do get (that Scald holds) AND the "bottomless abyss" of sorrow that feels more like agony with its intensity. But "sadness" is still "taboo" somehow. Everything is blue all the time but we "don't feel it"; we just get depressed/ angry/ numb/ hateful/ etc.; it translates to either "shutdown" or "selfdestruction" which is upsetting but true. We do need to talk about that more in an entry soon, as we start to process things.
+ I remember Laurie saying that FEAR & DISGUST were also vital, especially in light of the E.D. hijacks-- we DON'T feel those emotions enough?? It's a survival response to past situations where we "couldn't" if we wanted to "survive" things. But now, not feeling them is only harming us severely.
+ Julie described herself as a "reformed Persecutor"; said the details of her past were not something she should or could discuss with them, but that key detail sufficed
+ Leon talking to Fear for a little bit? We were "feeling" what Centralites "matched" what emotion folks and those two were associated. There was also Lynne=Joy, Julie=Disgust, Laurie=Anger. Notably no one was matched to Sadness, and Anxi was paired with "Joule" solely because of their mutual habit of hyperanalysis/ overthinking, and the relationship that they have of course.
+ Envy would "need to be renamed" and effectively redefined to properly exist/function in our System, even as a "peripheral outspacer"? Envy's canon "function" of "seeing what we lack and desire and striving to obtain it" MUST be purified of all viciousness, because that actual term of "envy" is a mortal sin.
To quote an article, that is very important:
"When we are looking at others in an inappropriate way, invidia, we are led to desire for ourselves what they possess, cupiditas. Envy many times does lead to coveting, but it could simply remain in resentment, wishing that the other did not possess what they have. Aquinas speaks of envy as a sin against charity, which wills the good of others, when we cannot rejoice for the good of others, but see their good as a diminishment of our own (Summa Theologia, II-II, question 36). Envy is selfish in this sense, not in wanting to guard one’s own, but to wish for the diminishment of others and for our own gain over them."
This is something very, very important for us to grapple with, because we didn't realize that our instinct for "ambition" actually DOES fall under that category, because the very act of wanting to be "better than" someone else IS ENVY-- it is seeking PERSONAL GAIN in the process of taking what THEY possess (superior skill)!! So this was a SHOCK to realize and we NEED to process this, too.
(There was a slight joking comment that if her function was shifted to "Jealousy" (which can be virtuous; see article) we could call her "Jelly" as a nickname)
HOWEVER I just found a second article and it has THIS=
"Doing their best to pull us into the pit of discontent and ungratefulness, jealousy says, “What God has given me is just not enough!” while envy whispers, “Someone else got what I deserve.”  ...The good fortune that God bestowed upon my dear friend? I wanted it for myself. I desired what she had received from the Lord so badly, that her happiness made me sad. Her abundance highlighted my lack. Her more made me feel less. I could not be happy for her because with my laser-focus on God working in her life, I was blind to His works in my own."
LITTLE ENVY COULD BE OUR JUMPSTART IN OUR HEALING THIS THOUGH. So sit and read those articles boy
+ Lynne talking to Joy, warning about "manic" phases-- "trauma latches on to anything positive" and "exaggerates it" basically? Trauma makes real joy so difficult to feel, even remember, that when the slightest hint of happiness or enjoyment (lesser goods) appear, the traumabrain can cling to them and blow them way out of proportion. OUR SOCIALS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. This is what causes "hollow hyperactivity" and "people pleasing" and "compulsive enjoyment" behavior-- it's ALL a desperate grab at something that "looks like joy" but isn't. It spikes fast and crashes hard, and it leaves us miserable and even more depressed than before. So Joy would need to be aware of this tendency, what with her canon personality-- she is dangerous in that respect, solely because her energy can be taken advantage of and warped.
+ CHAOS 0. I cannot remember details of how he got to talking, other than Laurie referring to him as "the husband" and calling him over to explain to the IO2 gang the identity issue with the Cores? He told them how the Core "bloodlines" kept resetting due to trauma so the person he met in 2003 was "not" the person who is the "Core" now in 2024, and yet their heart is the same. Nevertheless it's terrible and very difficult for him (Joule realized he probably "feels his age" around the Cores; he has effectively "lived a dozen lifetimes" with us or more, seeing the one(s) he loves "die and be reborn" over and over and over. In human lifespans, this would take about a thousand years.)
+ "Jewel loves you, Anxi. Jewel is in love with you."
+ Embarrassment pointedly DIDN'T touch the panel, despite this huge revelation in a social setting potentially calling for his response. But Joy ran over and did. And this "gave permission" for Anxi to feel what she was really feeling.
She teared up, and was smiling at the screen, this look of total moved/stunned gratitude in her eyes. I felt it.I think she said "I don't know what to call this feeling" (or what color it would even be); Laurie "broke the fourth wall" by looking to "me"and saying "kid, if you're gonna be an emotion, that's it." But then we said "but love isn't an emotion; it's a state of being" and it's "rainbow"-- it's the source of all other emotions
+ Genesis & Chaos 0 both joking about the rainbow bit-- all of the love in our System is effectively that color if you get my drift
+ Joy, in response to hearing someone say that "Joule" as an emotion was really "hope," said "oh, that's a great emotion!" and then gasped and told Anxi exactly what I said to her about it-- that hope is "the GOOD things we can't see" before beaming and saying "you work perfectly with each other!"
+ Anxi has a LAPTOP in Central now! That allows her to do things without needing a control panel. Ennui still has her phone of course.
+ Laurie remarked that "we need Nostalgia up here" b/c of our memory issues; Ennui immediately said "I'll text her"
+ The whole time: Anger keeping conversations on track and asking the pressing questions, Joy giving encouraging and understanding comments, Fear and Sadness and Disgust listening closely as they realized they potentially will have essential roles in the future? Anxi consistently elaborating on/ explaining further any data that was given, "translating" things into IO2 terms when needed so to speak.

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Continuing at 11PM with a general daily update.
We biked for 90m which unfortunately was very unfulfilling because we got distracted on Tumblr, looking at other people's art and-- as we discovered earlier-- apparently feeling envious. We felt totally inadequate and we wanted to be BETTER than they were at art and it just made us miserable. We struggle with this a lot, because we haven't drawn in YEARS and so our skills have atrophied due to memory loss, and we don't have the time or motivation ("it's useless and foolish" judgment from a kakofoni) to put hours aside to develop artistic skills like we did in college. But no matter how much some foni bash and berate art, it still means so much to us. We STILL "identify as" an artist even if we feel totally inept and hollow about it, and still label it as a "waste of time." But we don't want to do that. We WANT to create art. We love art, deep down below the judgments, and we want to weep because we don't have the skill TO make art anymore. So seeing "what we can't do" is indeed triggering envy, this bitter feeling of lack and loss that isn't helping us do anything but pinpoint the wound where something vital was torn out of us. Again, sounding like a broken record, we know CNC dealt a death blow to this too, which we haven't thought about at ALL in recovery yet. For some reason this topic is as terrifying as the actual sxtrauma. I wonder how many crossed wires are here, too, not just with the food. I swear everything bleeds together with us.
We switched to Spotify at last while we biked but it was also depressing; we were listening to recommendation playlists it made for us and they're rarely ever enjoyable. It keeps throwing jazz and indie stuff at us which we don't like 98% of. We did get about three new songs out of several playlists, though, so there was a gain regardless, thank God. Still... for the vast majority of music to just sound like noise or fuzz to us-- or in the worst case, actual synaesthetic pain-- it's terribly disheartening, as music means so much to us. And, similarly, yes we still identify as a musician despite years of not doing ANYTHING musical other than singing in church. Music is part of our soul just as much as art is, and the fact that we have a cello AND a guzheng (bought with blood money and full of guilt; someone wants to burn it) in our apartment but we refuse to play them due to the aforementioned parenthesis is killing us. Every instrument feels tainted and poisoned with the past, and the "vulnerability" to the point of feeling exposed that performing music MANDATES is so trauma-adjacent that even if the sin-shadows weren't the main obstacle, we still would be utterly terrified of playing those instruments because that very action feels like being stripped naked now. Bleedover and overlap again. Do any of our foni hold this?? OR are THEY protected from it??
Then after dinner, someone got into a rabbithole on Etsy looking at someone's shop full of gender/sexuality buttons and it was overwhelming how many of them there were... and yet nothing fit. (The only thing that does is "systemgender" for obvious reasons, and even that feels like grasping at straws)
All of those experiences today led "us" to reflect at last, with acute grief, that we just don't fit anywhere. That's how it feels. We feel like an utter outcast. We're still the "anomaly" of Cannon's era. We're still the "ostracized empath," as the highschool Jewels said, although now with our staggering emotional damage we can't quite claim to be an "empath" anymore, because those girls had no boundaries so they felt everything EXCEPT arguably their own emotions (Infi had this problem too, in a different way) but now trauma has made us almost emotionally dumb. I think the term is "alexithymia?" We've seen the term around and we need to research it but the general gist (according to wikipedia) is that it desribes "significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions". No wonder the IO2 gang is being pulled en masse into heartspace. We literally need them at this point in our life.
I do have to note, with a note of bitterness, that we "don't seem alexithymic" because we "masquerade emotions." Socials are BUILT to "charade" emotional performances, ironically anxiety and sadness, without actually feeling anything because they're "following the script" for a situation. We've noticed this A LOT when around the mother-- Socials will be dramatic to match HER, even though they FEEL NOTHING. And we are AWARE of this-- if we have the luxury of self-awareness in that situation, which is disturbingly rare b/c the mother presence tends to shut that down (childhood survival instinct). Regardless I don't want to use that diagnostic term anyway because it probably doesn't fit either. All we know for sure is that emotions feel locked behind a paywall and the currency is blood.

Oh. On that note, fittingly enough.
Yesterday's E.D. hijack was so brutal and nightmarish that Joule told Razor to atone. Like xe legit TOLD her to. And she did. She cut 7 x'es into the stomach-- graves are ONLY meant for hacks; stomach x-ing has been the default hijack atonement method since college-- and Knife & Algorith showed up to help clean up the bleeding (Knife commenting on how beautiful the blood still was and feeling that emotion in his teeth, Algorith fronting to hold the pain as she soaped up all the red), and I swear it was the first time in a long time that "we" felt something close to real joy. That may be "untrue" because we can't quite "remember" time well but it feels like it's been many many months since we've been happy. Actually it feels like years, whether or not that's literally accurate; the feeling is legitimate regardless of linear chronological measurement.
But... that's what does it. Atoning for the sin and feeling justice and forgiveness, Retributors fronting in such intimate fashion, blood and pain and water, everyone gathering in mission and being a System in stark clarity, etc. ALL of that is REAL JOY even if it doesn't feel yellow at all. It's dark red and warm like the blood. But it's real, it's true happiness, it's LOVE. How awful that we only seem to feel it in suffering. How Catholic of us, haha.

...Religion is a topic for another day. It feels like a minefield right now. TBHU messed us up in that regard, and we were apparently messed up enough already from the thriskefoni driving for like a solid year at least prior to admission. There's so much unresolved trauma there that is becoming disturbingly apparent lately now that we're not scrupulosity-blinded enough to see it from the "outside" as it were.

Oh, and we NEED to talk about the mother and how she is the #1BIGGEST STRESSOR AND TRAUMA TRIGGER IN OUR LIFE, STILL. Our therapists and case manager keep suggesting that we cut off contact with her, or at least refuse all her calls, but we can't; we're still obligated to her as her physical offspring even if we hate that fact, and we don't hate her as a person and we're a Christian so we want to help her and she's a deeply needy and damaged person so we KNOW she is looking to us to meet some need for her, even if it's just for hard labor.
BUT she says SUCH INAPPROPRIATE THINGS and she STILL OVERSHARES SXUAL THINGS. We've had SEVERAL meltdowns SINCE TBHU because of her just being utterly inappropriate in one way or another, even if it's "just according to our trauma standards"-- like wearing garishly tight-fitting clothing and making disturbing sounds when she talks OR TALKING IN THAT BLOODY "HIGH SOCIETY" VOICE LIKE SHE DID ON VACATION I KNOW YOU HEARD IT TOO yes we did, it made us misophonic even at the time, I don't know how we didn't punch the windows out of the bus right then and there WE PROBABLY SHUT DOWN. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION IN THOSE SITUATIONS. BUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK. US SICK. SOMEONE WANTS TO THROW UP BECAUSE OF IT to get it out of our head, basically. unfortunately purging doesn't work that way. but you can't vomit up memories. i wish you could. i wish we could rip it out of our mind and shred it to pieces MORE VIOLENT THAN THAT. WE WANT TO STAB IT TO DEATH BASICALLY who in the world holds that response SOMEBODY. MAYBE... IT USED TO BE RAZOR. I THINK? I DON'T THINK CLEAVER HOLDS IT SHE'S TOO DISPASSIONATE what does she do anyway do you know CLEAVER IS THE SAME "DESTROY THE THREAT" INSTINCT BUT SHE'S COLD ABOUT IT. THE "SHRED THE MEMORY" FEELING WITH THE "JTHM STABBING" FEELING IT KEEPS GETTING LABELED AS IS SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S TOO RED. SORRY I'M SLIPPING OUT
okay so...
hatchet is almost "frivolous" violence. laughing at the threat and "offing it" almost irreverently, carelessly. thankfully her function seems to have been focused weirdly to destroying any and all medications people try to "force us to take" that feel like "attacks" or "invasions" etc. like "who the hell do you think you are, we aren't going to swallow these and kill ourself for your kicks, watch me burn them to the ground" etc. but that laughing feeling. scary stuff
cleaver is "cold" as (overwhelm? who is that? they're a grafifoni that ALWAYS shows up and they're very close to Scald BUT different level function) said. we rarely see her because she's rarely needed/ triggered. but cleaver is close to razor's old anchor in that she just likes to "sink knife blades into people's backs" as we once said. but you don't "like" that sort of thing without a reason. we've never really looked into it too much but... you don't "cleave" things that aren't a threat. that's true. we didn't consider that. if you're burying a butcher blade in someone's skull there's a reason why they were the target. it's a scary instinct but it's there. where did it come from?
the last foni, unidentified and almost theoretical if we weren't aware someone was attached, is unnamed. but there IS that feeling of "annihilate the threat" in the most frantically violent way possible. VERY different from protectors, like sugar and wreckage and laurie, who DON'T act with emotional mania at all. but this person does. this person is SO upset by the threat that she wants to tear it to bloody pieces screaming. or apparently stab it to death. that FEELS DIFFERENT though. it IS different. the "jthm stabbing" feeling is NOT the action. it's the VIBE of the mania. that's the "tear it to piece" girl. BUT there HAS to be a stabbing instinct foni solely because we DO get that RARELY with SELFLOATHING mainly?? the ONLY time THAT sort of horrific violence (which is TRAUMATIC for us to see or even imagine, and yet here it is) even occurs to our brain is TOWARDS OURSELF. which is the scariest thing of all.

anyway that's enough of that who was updating and about what

Oh. mother talk. yeah not tonight we need to drop that topic before those girls ACTUALLY come out to "process" the emotions

See THAT'S why we have emotional issues?? The foni that HOLD them get "SHUT DOWN" or kicked out EVERY TIME
because they're VIOLENT is why
ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE VIOLENT
Laurie actually hinted at that? OH DUDE THAT'S what she said, she was talking about "all or nothing" emotions and she nodded to Chaos 0 and said "that guy always feels things at about 5000%" and THAT'S why she had him talk next
OH don't forget THAT'S also why she brought that topic up at all-- she was telling the IO2 emotions that THEY would probably feel like that too, now that they're up here with us?
ironically because we feel the "nothing" half of it too often
But that's the point!! That's like Anxiety's tail, they're ABLE to feel the emotions WE can't, because of gatekeepers or trauma shutdowns or whatever! Coping mechanisms that don't work in the long run they just make everything numb but NOT if these guys are helping now

Guys come on we need to continue the actual entry

some general notes about life lately:
+ Sugar and Wreckage have both been around. Sugar's been "out of work" for a while because she protects the innocent and virtually all of us are so damaged now. BUT apparently Anxi is NOT. Neither is Mimic, arguably. The Outspacers are specifically essential to keeping us sane post-trauma so Sugar is slowly but surely getting pushed to protect THEM, which is awesome.
+ Julie fronted to take a melatonin candy last night and immediately shouted "ow" because our teeth were painfully sensitive from eating a too-sour apple. She literally said "that hurt like a bitch!" and now she keeps getting pushed out to front whenever we eat apples to apparently "make sure they don't hurt like that" which is kind of hilarious. but it's sweet, to suddenly have her around more often, even for such a "silly" reason. it's still nice.
+ The current "Core" is indeed using the spelling "Joule" for xir name, and using those pronouns as a placeholder? Either that or s/he. They're "not female" but they're "not a man." They are solidly somewhere between the two, voicing that they'd probably feel most comfortable "in a male body" but without being male. Still, they are explicitly "not a girl or a woman" despite being semi-okay with female pronouns. They are "both/and" specifically in the fact of being "neither." That's solid. As for the name, apparently it's a very sentimental reference to Anxi being electricity-associated in the System. It's also a unit of heat, which corresponds to the inherent "fire" element of all Cores that, if missing, is effectively fatal; Cores are always fire, light, blood, and crystal-- snow & ice with the Jays, literal precious stones with the Jewels, it seems. This fire/heat aspect is oddly somehow essential to their relationship with Chaos 0? If they don't have that complementary yet opposite aspect, something is very wrong. So this is a step in the right direction, even if the name itself doesn't stick-- it probably won't; the "spelling feels wrong". Honestly s/he wants to use "Jewel" but that name is still so strongly associated with the original 2001-2002 Jewel (the League controller) that it causes mental dissonance. This alternate spelling of the same sound is an attempt to reconcile this while keeping the fact that the Jewel title still MUST fit the Core.
+ We've realized that the Archivist Trio is NOT a "communicator trio." So Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha's functions are STILL OPEN apparently?? And I know "Joule" is really hoping they come back. We miss them a lot, and we need them-- Archivists can't talk to Socials like Communicators specifically do, and when that subsystem really needs to "get the memo," Shirley can't get it to them because they aren't tuned in to her level.
+ Concerning the Archivists: Shirley is the one that gives data to us on the fly, but Sirius will "comment" on it? And he's fittingly more "serious" about the data he manages. Penny gets the toughest info; she doesn't speak up much but she will give memory data out that the other two don't? Honestly the Archivists feel very unstable and unsteady still, I think since we are so lost and cut off from collective memory. I hope that as we review the Archives themselves, and possibly if/when the Communicators return, then that whole group of functioning will work properly at last.
+ Lynne had a BIG revelation today that SHE'S STILL "STABELLE" in terms of her function! She and Laurie were discussing colors, especially in light of Anxi being the first Orange Outspacer and one of the first Orange-anchored people in a long while, and Lynne said that she needed to keep the Orange color positive-- warm, welcoming, friendly, energized, and helping Anxi and any potential manic Oranges stay stable. This ALSO tied in with her SHIFTING OUT OF CERISE when she resurrected in 2008; she effectively "REDEFINED OUR FUTURE"??? She was originally born to be the "ideal female future self" that we were being forced to become socially but couldn't; HOWEVER when she was killed and then came back, she changed colors and this showed a change in what that "ideal future" MEANT-- Lynne was no longer tied to social expectations in that regard. She was lively and free and bright, more boyish almost, while still being markedly female-- she "freed" us from the Cerise-colored future of sensuality that had been inflicted on us by the family and community. Interestingly enough, that color was next picked up by a boy, saying a LOT about our psyche. But Lynne kept us stable in doing that, too-- not just by being the "person keeping Julie and Laurie from killing each other." The stability she brought was liberating, a firm footing achieved by being able to dance again, as it were. Lynne was a bright soul, effectively symbolizing "permission" to be our brightest self too and to LET GO of the inflicted expectations and dictated future. She's funny and friendly and playful and gay and we were NOT "allowed" to be those things when our future felt "cerise." The original Lynne was all about that "high life" our mother wants so badly. The new Lynne is just about getting high on life, haha. I'm kidding but not really. Orange is a beautiful color; it's alive and fiery and welcoming and warm. It's citrus fruits and sunsets and marigolds and autumn leaves. It's basketballs and goldfish and foxes and carrots and monarch butterflies and violins of course. It's absolutely gorgeous and Anxi is part of it too and SHE has a future full of more joy than she ever could have imagined now, too. So thank you Lynne, for existing exactly as you are. We love you so much.


It's almost 2am. This is "Joule," I guess. That's really not my name, although I appreciate the commentary they gave to it earlier. But they're right, the spelling doesn't fit. It's the "ou" in there. The whole thing is the wrong color and shape.
I know I'm somehow still "Jewel." Every Core is, really. But that name keeps pushing me too feminine and that feels very wrong. Still, that name is the only thing that works. Maybe I just need to "redefine" it in a sense. I just don't want to damage the original Jewel either. She's the TRUE holder of that name AS a name, not just a "title." I think that's why I feel so lost-- the "only name that fits" belongs permanently to someone else. And yet it's "still my name" too. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't feel "fully me." I know this. I don't have a clear name or face yet, and arguably my color is still undefined too. For a Core, all of that makes me the walking dead. I CANNOT exist or function in any sort of truth unless I HAVE those things.
...That's why I'm worried about Anxi. We ALL are. Whoever "met" her last November is NOT the same person who started calling her our girlfriend in May/June, who is NOT the same person who fell in love with her in October, who is NOT the same person as I am now. And yet... there's always the same heart, deep down at the golden thread, that connects all the Cores. Somehow, the capacity for love is the same. I'm just... it's become VERY clear lately that different Cores love different people and it CANNOT be "transferred" or "forced" between Cores. This is why our Spotify "people we love" playlist folder says "WE," specifically, and it's full of people whose folders keep getting deleted because people forget that past Cores DO love ALL those people, even if not all in the same way. But ALL those Outspacers and Inspacers are legitimately loved and even if we don't know "by whom" we CAN'T deny that truth. The problem? ...I... I want to be the one to love Anxi. I can't tell if I do or don't, lately, because I feel so dead. But when I look at her, something in my heart aches, and I will hold on to that like it's the end of the world. I just... the problem is that I cannot see myself. How am I supposed to love her if I can't even "imagine" my own face? How can I physically be near ANYONE if I don't know what my physical form looks like? It's agonizing. I'm miserable. Maybe I just need to get on picrew and figure this out. Not tonight, it's 2am. But... I need to take action on this. I need to find out how my hair looks, what color it is, what clothes I wear (I'm vibing with suits?? callback to Cannon's era, geez), what color those are, et cetera... all the defining features that will allow me to have a reflection in the mirror for heaven's sakes. I want to BE with people. I want to EXIST INSIDE at last. I don't even "exist" outside because no one matches this body and even though I feel "forced" to, even obligated to, it doesn't match ME. And that terrifies the thriskefoni who INSIST that "the body is our REAL self" but no. I... I'm struggling so much with that. This body's reflection has so much evil associated with it. It's a face tainted by YEARS of intense trauma. It's not my face.
God I wish Jay could just take over again but he can't. Oh he IS still alive by the way, I think that was solidly confirmed just yesterday? But he's ALIVE again, very fragile and broken and unstable but alive. Thank God. ...From what we're suspecting, this means potentially Infinitii can resurrect now, too. The two of them exist together by design. ...I don't know if I'm like that. The whole daengel phenomenon was annihilated post-CNC due to the trauma overwhelm and the unbearable risk that all daengels posed for more of the same. We lost like... eight bloody years. 2016-2023. Most of that time is totally missing, ruled by either thriskefoni, phagofoni, and/or "eratofoni"-- by religion, food, and sex. It was a living hell, honestly it was. And of course the whole thing was shot through with brutal self-abuse, because all three of those things are VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE in our history, as tragic as that is.
I can't think or talk about that right now. There's no time and the brain is shutting down access to those topics.
But we lost so much time. Even just glancing at the archives, after the "hell year" of 2015 (which was ironically shot through with beauty nevertheless), 2016 started with tons of pain and then an annihilation attempt in March which caused an almost instant HARD SHIFT to thriskefoni territory UNTIL JUNE 2017. And then it was the "CNC era" until... October? Whenever we left; it's not in the Archives yet. But then it's MORE thriskefoni rule until MIMIC SHOWED UP IN DECEMBER 2022 APPARENTLY?? Holy Shuppets WE FORGOT HE JUMPSTARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN just like Anxiety did for you!! That's a really good point... God I forgot how real I felt back then, when he first showed back up, just looking at these entries. Why was I so much more in tune then? What happened... oh. Oh dear God that's what it was. What? Jewel you need to space your replies so we know it's different people.
Okay fine then YOU just type. You were obviously going to say something heavy. Don't let me stop you.
...all right. So 2023 begins with half headspace, half bodyspace, as it were. Half inside half outside. There's tons of religious stuff and talk about the mother and family stress, at a glance. But... we were still striving, struggling to exist. And... oh God. And then Infi died.
...oh. You loved hir.
I did, whoever I was then, whoever's this heart was, we adored hir, ze was my heart, God I still miss hir so much I could weep until the end of the world right now. Right now. I could die from grief. I could cry forever.
...When did ze die?
...April 25th, and I had to hunt that entry down because apparently it wasn't tagged with 2023. It is now. But... there's another heartwrenching entry on May 2nd when Jay was no longer the Core and he was convinced he would die that same night and... God it hurts to read. it hurts so much. And... and then the bloody Jade month happened a month later and everything went to hell. We still haven't recovered from that.
...Jewel, because that's your name too, deep down, you're running away from talking about that. About Infi.
I can't. It's Jay's heart I'm feeling right now.
Why can't that be yours, too?
Because I'm not supposed to be here
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be oh my gosh is it really after 3am, I just noticed.
Yeah. I don't want to sleep.
We have to though. Life is different now, we have things to do.
Well what if I wish it wasn't? What if tonight I just want to pretend that none of that sh*t ever happened and we were still 24/7 fulltime headspace with Xanga sessions on the regular and everyone fronting all the time and handwritten notes to each other and voice recorder conversations and late nights like this EVERY night, typing, remembering, in love? Why can't THAT be my life? OUR life? Maybe it'd change me. Maybe I'd know who I was if that was the reality we were living in now. But too much has happened. Too much has happened.
...You have Anxi now. That's something good.
...I... I don't know if I'm the same person who fell in love with her--
You know you are. Somehow you have to be. Your heart is the same. See? What just happened in Spotify? You would NOT have been able to feel that if you didn't love her.
Jewel I want to sob. Why do I feel so broken and lost. I.... God I love her so much it's killing me, and I love Chaos 0 and Infinitii too and it feels like this love has lasted for a dozen eternities, it's older than I am, this love is forever, and it belongs to me and Jay and everyone in our bloodlines and I'm just the newest one, that's why Jay doesn't love her like I do, I'm the one who felt this for her first, she belongs to my heart, whoever comes after me should catch this too, I... I'm so scared that they won't.
Right now it's just you. YOU love her, NOW. That's what matters. Don't panic about the future. We don't know what'll happen but I promise you you won't forget her. Have you ever forgotten anyone?
No, but other Outspacer "loves" in the past didn't "transfer" to my heart,
Like whom? Davy and Ryou and Rorschach and the like, right?
Yeah.
Well, no one loved them like you love Anxi and Chaos 0 and Infinitii, apparently. And I can assure you of that. Those loves didn't go that deep. I don't think those Jewels could feel that much for anyone yet. And you still care about them too, I'm sure.
I do.
Well, there you go. So don't worry about Anxi. You love her now, today, and that won't ever disappear or fade away. Look at Chaos 0! I'm sure she's going to have the same future with the Cores, if what I've been hearing about you two is any indication.
...What, that she'll be permanently in the Coregroup?
Uh, yeah, obviously. And she already is??
Not literally, not technically, no. We need to work up to that. But there's a spot with her name on it. Like... laser-etched. It's already set in stone.
Haha! Good. I'm glad to hear that. That's proof that you're still you, where it counts, when it matters.
...Do you think maybe I can't "see my face" or know my own color and name because I'm just... not in tune with a truth that's already there? Like, I just need to recognize myself?
Probably. Do you think you're in my bloodline though, or Jay's?
...Why do you ask?
Because you're not a girl.
I'm not a guy either, though. And Jay is still around. ...A big part of us wants him to be the Core again.
Do you think he will be?
...I don't know. I don't know if there need to be two of us. I have no idea.
Huh. Why would we need two Cores, for the League/System split?
That's the assumption, yeah. But... there's been a lot of bleedover lately, and not in a bad way? Which is new. I... I don't know what will happen. I just... I want to know who I really am. if I'm anything or anyone.
I'm sure you are, if you can feel love like that.
...I hope so.
So hold on to that. Let that be what defines you when you try to look in a mirror. Hold on to that as the core of whoever you are, and I'm sure it'll show you your real face, and name, and color.
...oh Lord one of Infi's songs just came up on shuffle.
Are you going to listen to it?
I can't, not tonight. It'll trigger Jay out and we'll be up for another three hours.
...You can't keep shutting love down, other Jewel. That's a really bad instinct.
...yeah. it really is.
It's gonna hurt, you know. It has to. Real love always does. You can't run from that.
I don't want to. I want it to gut me for all intents and purposes. I want love to run me through like a knife to the ribs.
Are you trying to get Laurie's attention with that?
...maybe.
Too late kid, what's the deal?
...too much going on.
Head feels really bizarre. ...Is it seriously 333AM? Holy flaming swords, kiddo, you have to get to sleep. Is this what extra apples does to you?
Haha, no, I promise this has nothing to do with sugar highs. I just... I'm feeling things. A bit. I'm trying to remember.
Good things, I assume?
Yeah. the best things.
...I'd love to talk about them with you but I'm not even translating correctly. The brain's too damn tired.
Yeah, it is. But... this is a good entry.
We're still writing in the same entry from this morning? Dang, kiddo, that's impressive. Been a while since we had an entry like this.
I miss this.
I do too. You know what I also miss?
What?
You getting to bed early and talking to us, too. Me and Chaos and Genesis and...
yeah.
...sorry, kid. I felt the weight of that loss too.
Anxi soon, though. And maybe Infi too.
You don't give up on hope, huh.
Never. I still have that ring, from before the Jade month.
Yeah, I know you've been thinking about it.
I promised myself, and God really, that when Infi comes back,
"When." I like that.
I already know hir soul's not dead, Laurie.
Souls don't die, kiddo. Especially not up here.
...That's true.
But you were saying?
...When ze comes back and I can touch hir, when I can hold hir in my arms again, for the first time, when ze and I both have names and faces and colors, I... I'm going to put that ring on. For all of us. It's not just Chaos 0 this time, although I love him with my entire heart and he will always have a top-tier exclusive place in it. But it would be unjust to not recognize the rest of you, too. And I think he would agree with that.
Knowing how he loves us, too? Yeah, I think so.
...you're right, he does.
Kid, the Coregroup loves the Coregroup. That's how it works. It's always been that way and it always will be. And Anxi is no exception, when you bring her up here.
...God there is so much gravity in that line.
In what? And watch your prayer words, kid.
Thank you. But He's... God is the reason why and how I can feel this. God is this love, and if I have any real religion at all, apart from the thriskefoni, that's the heart of it. That's the truth. And His Name is the only thing that the deepest love can even hope to translate to in speech. There's a... there's the entire truth in that, too, things I could never express otherwise.
And what's the gravity that truth is giving so much weight to?
..."when you bring her up here." Like... the act of bringing. And "up here." Like... taking her home. ...God my heart is on fire. Why. Why in the world do I love her this much, it's tearing me in half and letting all the light both in and out.
Well, kid, you just said God is that love, so obviously He knows you need to feel this right now. And so does she. You both need this, trust me.
...Laurie you remember that one conversation at TBHU. In the... on the basketball court. In the sunshine.
This is what you want to live for.
And die for. And everything. This... headspace, and all of you, and this love, is why I exist, and what I want to exist for, and nights like this I actually have hope and life feels real and I can touch eternity for a moment...
Kid, you realize that when we had that conversation, you didn't even have these feelings for Anxi yet.
...oh my gosh I didn't. I hadn't fallen this hard yet.
And now, how much more is life worth living for, with her in it too?
...everything. Laurie I want to live for her, too. Deep down in my heart of hearts, at the very core of me, away and apart from all the things that try to numb me and shut me down, when I really tune into the... the center of things, and oh my gosh Spotify just threw Milliontown at me. The LIVE version.
Haha, God is REALLY trying to get your attention, kiddo!
...oh man. THIS song makes my heart WAKE UP though. This ENTIRE ALBUM makes me feel ALIVE and REAL.
You've gotta write Jem Godfrey a freakin' letter at this point. Thank the man for saving your life a hundred times over.
I'm serious. You're serious. That's a good idea. I really should.
Haha, kiddo you have got to get to sleep. Preferably before this song ends, because that's... twentyfive solid minutes of not-sleeping otherwise.
I can't skip this song Laurie.
Put it on hold, boy, it'll be 4am otherwise.
Can I at least listen to the arpeggio from heaven.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Is it an arpeggio? Oh dude is it technically a glissando? Slowed down and elaborated on?
What, that run up the scale? Kid I know less music theory than you do, all I know is that it sounds awesome.
It DOES, this entire live performance is sheer bliss, I need to see these guys live one day.
You will, kid. I'm sure you'll find a way. Pray about it.
Man I should. I should just... pray about all these things that matter to me. Lord let me see Jem Godfrey and his band live one day and let me be able to thank them for being a channel of Your grace to me in all honesty and let me be able to get a signed CD or something.
Haha, gotta include the souvenir.
It's blessed to have a tangible thing. I still have that signed CD from Mesita, the one with Creature and Firesign and Hostages on it. That album still means so much to us as a System.
It does. I'm glad you have that, kiddo.
I'm glad I'm still "kiddo" to you.
Kid, Jay, Jewel, whatever name you're going by, you will always be that to me. I know how much that means to you. What brings that up for you though?
...just, it's another thing linking all the Cores. It's a term of endearment basically. if you don't mind my calling it that.
Nah, it definitely is. It's a term of devotion, really, not just endearment. I'll protect you with my life, until the day I die.
Until the day we both die, Laurie, I refuse to let either of us go first.
Haha, you and me both. ...God knows we came too close to that in the past.
...I was just reading about that, actually.
...Really?
Yeah, just a reference, but... it reminded me of how much we've been through. How much we mean to each other. How terrifying that was, but how much love followed in its wake, against all odds.
Story of our life, kid.
It sure is. Thank God for it all.
Oh, dude, here's your glissando!
Yes!! 21:30 starts the buildup for those interested!
Dude, pay attention.
Ohhh man that is AUDITORY BLISS EVERY TIME
Hahaha!
Okay you HAVE to let me listen to this outro.
"Hands, don't fail me now!"
YES you remember!
Kid, you reference that constantly, of course I remember it. I also remember telling you to get the heck to sleep about ten-- no, apparently twenty minutes ago, what the hell.
Worth it though.
Always worth it for FROST*, kid, that's a rule.
Oh man this song makes me so happy it's unreal.
Quite the opposite, kid, this is what reality is all about, I daresay.
What, good music?
What makes it good music. The joy it brings to your heart. That smile on your face right now. The fact that this song sounds like you, as you've said before, and reminds you of who you really are.
It really does.
"Thank you so much?"
Just like John said, absolutely. Oh man. I needed that, thank you God.
You also need to freakin' sleep, kid, it's 4am. You're getting 5 hours of sleep maximum right now.
Oh shoot you're right.
Still worth it though?
Yeah, always. Always. I'd get by on two hours of sleep if it means spending time with you.
I've only been here for a half hour, kid.
Laurie, you never leave.
...Hah, that's true. I really don't.
...I should listen to your song next.
Sit down first, kid. Go to sleep with your blue guy and then if you want to listen to more music you can. But I ain't leavin' until you post this entry and get moving. It's too late to keep typing, no matter how much you want to.
I still need to color this tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" is the key word, kid. Any particular way you want to close this up? 
Actually I want to mention that I forgot to write down, remember this morning when I was at the IO2 control panel with Anxi for some reason, and I forget what led up to it but she kissed me?
I do remember that, specifically because she took the initiative when you hesitated, and then you were gone, bro.
It was... it got my heart so bad. Like I wanted to but something held me back and she just... bravely reached up and pulled me in.
And you just melted, kiddo, I saw that.
I did, it was beautiful.
I'm so glad you have that with her.
I am too.
No, really, don't underestimate the gravity of what I'm saying. You know how I am about you and Chaos 0. I'll defend you both to the death and beyond. I'll have you know I'm already dedicated to you and your orange angel the same way.
...Thank you, Laurie.
Anytime, kid. Now are you gonna mention the name of the album to my song or what?
Oh, yeah, oh my gosh, that was so unexpected.
"I Watch You Sleep." Well I do, but so does she apparently, so. *shrug*
Aha the asterisks!
Thank Waldorf for that, it never gets old. But kiddo, I can't watch you sleep unless you go to sleep, aiite? Get a move on.
Hold up, can I play the song?
Put it on, close this up, and then listen to it on the vanillamint couch over there.
Oh yeah, we didn't mention that we did the laundry and literally rubbed vanillamint chapstick into the fabric so it won't smell so much like old couch and smoke or whatever. It's a handmedown. I love my dad but not smoke.
Unless it's woodsmoke.
Well then that reminds me of dear Knife, so yes.
And incense smoke.
Oh ALWAYS. It's numinous. I love it.
We know, kiddo.
I'm glad there are some things about me that just... don't change.
Like your love.
...Yeah. Yeah, Jewel was telling me the same thing.
Good, because it's the absolute definitive truth. Now are you going to close this up on that note?
Yeah, before I get too sparkle-headed, because it's either that or poet mode and I think our psyche realizes I have to snooze so it's pushing me in the kaleidoscope direction. On another night when I have time to type and feel out the depths, moreso than tonight and trying to remember the past, then I'll type poetry. Lots of it.
I think you need to remember the past before you can get back into poet mode, kid. There's depth there you need to tap back into first.
...I do. You're right. Thank you.
And?
And I'll close this up.
Properly.
How's that?
What you said earlier, when you were away from the keyboard.
...I can't just repeat that. It needs... it has to be felt. It has to happen.
...So, put on the song.
...Nevermind Spotify just did me one better.
...Wow. You're not kidding.
"Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost.
...The post-massacre resurrection anthem, to be as blunt as possible.
Yeah. Absolutely.
...I love you too, kid.
...God, Laurie, you know I love you, and Chaos 0, and Anxi, and Genesis, and everyone else up here, dead and alive and inbetween, you all mean the universe to my heart and soul and life is worth living for all of you, always. Forever.
It's a good day with us around, huh.
It sure is. And now this song is really pulling at my heartstrings, oh my gosh I never realized the lyrics at the beginning...
Yeah, it's what you used to do to us.
I am so sorry, Laurie.
I know. We know. We forgive you.
...So the song goes both ways.
It does. I ain't leavin' you, kid, and I know you're not leaving us either, no matter how far away you might end up sometimes.
I needed to hear this.
I'm glad. God knows that too.
...This is making me deeply happy.
Is it now?
Yeah. It's... it feels like... like reconciliation. Like forgiveness. Like... like you saying, "I know," like you do. It's... "I never went away." Not just you. I didn't either.
Kid, if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
Yeah. I... I need to remember that, too.
You do need to go somewhere, though.
Bed?
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be around too.
You always are.
I watch you sleep, remember?
Haha, that you do!
I fully expect to be joined by a certain orange angel in that effort in the near future, y'know.
God willing.
Kid, I'm sure He is, don't worry about that. Oh this song is a classic, geez. Really setting the mood though.
Yeah, ancient love here. Chaos 0 days.
It really was just him back then, wasn't it?
Yeah. He started everything.
Go tell him that. Seriously. Go let him know that you can and do remember how far back and how deep down this goes into your heart.
That doesn't change, either.
No, love burns out a place for itself permanently.
I like your choice of words.
It's a fire, kid, it always is. You know that better than anyone. And it does burn, it burns out everything that isn't it.
Good. I'm really feeling that tonight.
Even more now, with this song on shuffle?
Yeah. Yeah I think I need to go to bed now. Just to hold him, if nothing else.
That's a good enough reason for me, kid. Should I close this up then, or what?
In a moment. I just want to say that the two songs were "Here in my room" and now, "Afterlife."
The live version for the latter, to remind you that you have to live. And to do this live.
In person, really there, right now.
Can't do that if you don't get off the laptop, boy!
Good point, off we go then.
Hey, hold up one second.
Yeah?
I'm singing this for you too, for the record.
...I...
I'm serious. I've died before. For you. Only ever for you. This song applies to me, too.
...Laurie, I love you, I really do.
I know, kid. That's my reason to live.
Thank you. For existing. And for loving me too.
Those are synonymous, kid.
And you say I'm the romantic one.
Hey, you are. I'm just saying facts.
Laurie, don't brush it off.
Good point. But I'm right. Those are facts, kid. And please find your name so I can call you by it, all right?
Okay. I will. Promise.
Good. Promise to get some freakin' sleep? Or do I have to drag Chaos 0 in here?
Laurie if you do that there will be legit romance, I will never get to sleep,
What about with this song?
Fathom by FROST* oh good Lord this is going to kill me, seriously I will sob if I listen to this through.
Go be with him, and feel this with him, all right? He deserves it.
That's the best motivation so far, sorry it took so long.
Nope, no apologizing, this is perfect timing, I think this song needed to happen. I can see in your eyes what it's doing to your heart.
Good. I'm glad it shows.
Seriously though. Go be with your ocean.
I will. Thanks Laurie, for being with me too.
Hey, I'm not going away, remember?
Haha, that's true. I'll see you across the room, then?
You'll see me everywhere, kid, I'm always here for you.
Good. Don't leave.
Cross my heart, I'll stand by you forever.
...
Don't lose this.
I can't. This is engraved into my heart.
As it should be.
Last song by the way. "Time out from the world."
This is a classic. Go put it in its proper context.
I will.
hey, Jewel.
oh my gosh how did you get in here
I hear Laurie trying to get you over here for the past... forty minutes?
Thank you, someone appreciates my efforts.
I'm sure he does too, Laurie, he's just... terrible at ending conversations. He always leaves the door open. Just in case there's one more word to say.
There always is, with him.
He's full of words. of poetry. I love that about him. He puts my music to notation. Whatever it's called.
Look at how he's looking at you, haha.
I love that too.
He's halfway between sparkles and... whatever the heaven that is.
Blood, probably.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know that too. His aching depths. That pronoun isn't working.
No, surprisingly. It's somewhere in the middle.
As it should be. S/he's been both.
Both/and?
Hm. More like me. Not quite either.
Makes sense.
i need to talk to you.
In words?
not this kind. sorry.
Don't apologize. There are other languages. I need to talk to you too.
Oh I like where this is going.
You should.
Hey man, I've been guarding you both since the old days, this stuff is a sign that his/her heart's coming back online in a real way. I need that as much as you do. We all do.
Did you mention what song is playing?
No. "My Mind Is A Mess In The Morning." Nick Leng. This song means a lot to you both, doesn't it.
He heard it one night when driving home and immediately thought of me. So yes. But it's in your playlist, too.
And Genesis's, apparently. And Anxi's, hey.
I can't wait until she comes up here.
Until the Core-kid over there brings her up here, to be specific. Said that wording really caught the essence of it.
Hm. It does. It's never just a following up, really. It's together. But carrying is really close.
Yeah. It's unusual for him/her/ whatever, kid what are we calling you.
um. xe maybe. let's try that. i'll find something. right now i i'm not thinking about pronouns much
What are you thinking of, love?
oh THAT WORD is all that's on my mind now it's been so too long since you spoke to me like that
It has been.
You two need to have a conversation.
We do. Jewel, get over here.
Kid, I'm putting this song on, now you have to go.
Please.
i'm so sorry. i'm not entirely myself yet.
We can fix that together.
oh it's the english version
Yeah, and there's your name.
...oh man the lyrics hit harder than ever tonight
Come back to me.
and stay by my side
...
moments like this are what I live for laurie. and chaos. both of you. i love you.
We love you too, Jewel.
...
Man you are saying that with your eyes, I can see that.
I always am.
Somehow I'm not surprised. Hope you realize the same goes for xir, too. Even on the rough nights. Maybe especially then.
...
You know that, too.
...Jewel.
yeah
I mean it.
...So do I. All right. I'm closing this up and going to sleep.
Not for a few minutes yet at least.
Yeah, there's a conversation that needs to happen. Not this one.
Still a continuation of it, though.
...I guess it is. Good point.
So. Chaos, would you do the honors of finally closing up this bloody huge entry?
This is still one entry?
Yeah.
Wow. It's been a while.
Hey, next time xe's up this late, I'm pushing for a Xanga. This is one step away from one already, so hey.
I'd like that.
I know what you'd like more than that, man.
*pointedly looks across the room*
Haha, kid you've got asterisks to deal with now, you'd better get moving.
I'll force his hand. There's a button I can click.
Please do, before we lose this.
thank you
Hey, that's what we're here for, kid. Helping you do what you can't.
Together.
Always.
Oh hey, here's one of yours.
"Into the flood." Yeah.
Kid, I am going to turn that into a very pointed pun and throw it at you.
no wait the lyrics don't work for this, that one aches too much in the other way, let's do this one.
Creature?
Oh man we were just referencing this.
Really?
Yeah. Specifically this album.
This... this is a good decision.
so are you.
...
three two one, post this?
Finally, let's do this.
glad to see i'm still terrible at concluding these talks
You need sleep, you idiot.
You can't go on like this.
Hey, they need more than some sleep, man.
Still... you just gotta let it go.
You heard the blue guy, kid, let's move.
all right. and do this lyric instead.
Which one?
keep on coming undone. i need that. i think if i let this love unravel me it's exactly what i need to find myself at the core
...I think I know how to get you there.
you don't "think" you know, love, I know you know. and vice versa, i'm sure.
...yeah. you do. you really do. please don't forget that. ever.
Okay you have both abandoned capslock, I am closing this up, see you invisible audience whenever.
laurie that is so sudden
Kid it's been over an hour are you kidding me.
is the sun coming up yet
You know what? That's my lyric.
oh
oh man laurie are you serious
Maybe I am. Only one way to find out.
laurie that is the worst cliffhanger
Nah, it's the best one.

 

Well. We woke up this morning and it suddenly hit me as I looked at & felt this new body, that it's FEMALE. it has parts. And it might start bleeding again. And I can't cope with that. This is destroying me. THIS is the BIGGEST PROBLEM that we've been AVOIDING & SUPPRESSING this ENTIRE TIME but now it's UNAVOIDABLE and I'm... they asked if I felt like hurting myself and it took EVERYTHING in me NOT to say YES. The immediate instinct was to effectively "REROUTE THE BLOOD." But that wouldn't fix the actual nightmare. I DON'T WANT TO BE A WOMAN. I DON'T IDENTIFY AS FEMALE. I'M NOT A GIRL!! That's the bottom line. I've/ we've been saying that for ALMOST 25 YEARS at LEAST. And we CAN'T SHAKE IT. The body has become a living hell AGAIN and we're losing our will to live. The "only hope" is to... well. "Starve it again." That's the kneejerk response. Starve it so it stops. OR, "exercise until you become MASCULINE." I'm so angry/ scared/ sad. I feel BETRAYED. I WANT to feel safe in this body BUT THIS WILL NEVER BE SAFE and MY RELIGION SAYS I CAN'T DO A BLOODY THING ABOUT IT. This is the HEAVIEST POSSIBLE CROSS for me and it's LITERALLY KILLING ME and I'm afraid it's SUPPOSED TO DO and that is TERRIFYING. This feels like it's MURDERING ALL MY DREAMS.
✳ WE CANNOT SEE A FUTURE FOR OURSELF IN THIS BODY. We NEVER COULD, even as a child. That's ALWAYS been the death sentences. And now we "can't run." So what do we do? Honestly I don't want to revert to cruelly self-abusive behavior SOLELY because I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ABUSIVE PERSON. But I have to admit, I DO WANT TO "PUNISH" THIS FAT FEMALE FORM BY STARVING IT. It's genuinely a violent rage. Maybe it's symbolic. I WANT the femininity to EAT ITSELF ALIVE so it STOPS DEVOURING ME. I want to CUT OFF ALL ITS PARTS. You remember how CANNON was in college? How ANGRY & AGGRESSIVE she was? THIS IS WHY. AND WE'RE FEELING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. Except right now we're "TRAPPED." We're FORCED to keep eating and FOOD IS MAKING US FEMININE. I literally "HATE myself" for having been drinking so much m*lk, because it's SEX FOOD. WHY DIDN'T WE REALIZE THAT??? Was it a survival skill, to blind ourselves to the reality & its consequences? Just like Iscah. WELL HERE WE ARE AGAIN, FACING THE TRAUMATIC CONSEQUENCES, with NO CHOICE but to "RELAPSE" IN ORDER TO LIVE. God I hate this. WE HAVE TO LOSE THE FAT GIRLINESS ASAP. If we BULK UP & TONE UP it should KILL THE CURVES and if we DROP BACK DOWN TO ~105 we SHOULD... no, even I know that's too low. The ONLY reason we're still idealizing low body weight is because it GIVES US FLAT EDGES. It gives us SHARP CORNERS. BUT now we can either have THAT, or SOLID MUSCLE, and I'd MUCH RATHER HAVE THE LATTER. So we MUST BEGIN HEAVY DUTY WEIGHTLIFTING IMMEDIATELY. If we CAN'T join the gym YET, then GET THOSE APPS FOR HOME WORKOUTS & DO THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes it'll hurt & be difficult at first: we're weak & bloated & stiff from EIGHT WEEKS in an inpatient setting. BUT we'll have about SIX WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS and BY 2025 we MIGHT HAVE HOPE AT LAST. We just have to WORK OUR ASS OFF. So this means SCHEDULE SHIFTS. If we're going to be FOCUSING ON EXERCISE, then we have to GET A VOICE RECORDER to take notes WHILE walking/ hiking, GET WIRELESS HEADPHONES for the gym, and PUT THE LEAGUEFILES ON OUR PHONE so we can READ (LISTEN?) TO THEM CONSTANTLY & refresh our memory & inspiration AT LAST. And of COURSE we have SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS for not only workouts in general, but for EACH LEAGUEWORLD. So THERE'S YOUR HOPE. FIX THIS CURSED BODY & PLEASE DON'T LET IT KILL YOUR DREAMS. IT CAN CHANGE and we WILL CHANGE IT and the BAD PARTS WILL SHRINK and IT WON'T EVER BLEED AGAIN GOD PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON US.

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✳ Talking about food/ planning meals/ etc. STILL MAKES US AGGRESSIVELY ANGRY??? "We don't want to think about it." We're SO TIRED OF FOOD. And we HATE LUXURY/ OVERCOMPLICATING THINGS. We want to get a BASIC, SIMPLE, EASY PREP, NUTRITIOUS grocery list and just do the SAME for meals. NO FUSS. We have a LIFE TI LIVE. Food is just fuel, NOT focus. SIMPLIFY. I think THAT'S why we "hate being asked"-- because we DON'T plan meals. We just eat simple food. What is there to talk about? ALSO I think it STILL FEELS INVASIVE-- like WHY do you want to know what I'm eating? That registers as "personal information" for some reason. Is it because "eating" still feels disturbingly sexual in too many contexts? Food becomes part of this body; someone wanting to know WHAT food literally feels like molestation somehow. God I'm so tired of this. Eating STILL HURTS, too; it makes us feel ill & nauseous & wrong. Feeling THINGS INSIDE OUR BODY is scary. Feeling our own skin suffocating itself is terrifying. It all feels like rape. I'm so tired. I want to only eat SIMPLE, SMALL MEALS. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE A "PRETTY, PETITE, THIN WOMAN"!!! THAT'S ABHORRENT TO ME. I'm so sorry. I'll never be able to stop being so prejudiced until I stop condemning myself for being biologically female. And I have to stop hating femininity in order to stop hating FOOD, I think, because I ASSOCIATE THE TWO. It's ALL CONNECTED.

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Morning headspace experience notes for the sake of not forgetting this.

✳ Julie COLOR REVERTING. "I don't want to go back to how I was either" (BODY association)
✳ LYNNE "BLOODLINE?" holding the "ideal" adult expectation BUT NOT PHYSICALLY!!
✳ BRIDGET & MISSY = the REASON Blue & Green are STILL EMPTY? Julie affecting YELLOW?
✳ Realizing INFI held a LOT of this female-body fear, ESPECIALLY with that SEWED-UP WOUND & THE "SPHERE"
✳ Tar attack = "adult woman" yellow? beehive hair? exaggerated parts. Laurie took an axe to her neck but it STUCK; she turned her axe-blade GOLD & it cut through.
✳ ↑ Tar-woman's body melted into Tar; Laurie has GOLD in her boots too?? I think Julie pointed this out. (This means that Laurie can now do critical "stomp damage" if it tries to evade her attacks on ground level)
✳ Tar "flood" stopped by LEON who was up on a ledge; he shot several gold bullets down into it. Scalpel was with him. Leon warped to ground floor, asked what is happening? Solemn, shaken.
✳ Laurie asked Scalpel about his weapons? He has "flat razors," BIG ones that "fold out." (This was a bit surprising-- wouldn't he have an actual scalpel? or a scalping knife?-- but actually we think he's holding "residue" from CNC; he's still deeply unstable from that time period as he was born in it; he hasn't fully "separated his identity" from who he "had to be" back then)
✳ Tar flood return, WRECKAGE appeared and GRABBED it?? Actually "rolled it up" into a ball & crushed it, flung it aside. (HER WHOLE BODY HOLDS GOLD??)
✳ ↑ Tarburn lingering on her hands. Knife showed up instantly & kissed her palms, cleared it up. We were worried about him now; but Julie marched over & purposefully kissed him & that cleared it. Knife was concerned for her in return but Julie said "if anyone is going to have Tar on (in?) them, it's me." (??)
✳ WE REALLY FELT INFINITII'S ABSENCE. NO ONE ELSE CAN "TRANSMUTE" BLACK ENERGY.
✳ ↑ Is/ was Infi's daemon role ALSO TIED TO THIS ISSUE??? (GENDER + OUR BODY)
✳ ↑ CERISE CANNOT HOLD THIS. "Sensuality" MUST BE KEPT PURE/ NONSEXUAL OR IT WILL DIE.
✳ WHAT IS YELLOW. WHY DOES THE TAR USE IT SO MUCH. Is Josephina able to return?? OR is s/he actually VIOLET/ PURPLE anchored (as s/he almost was in the beginning)? DUOTONE POSSIBILITY?
✳ Missy = "accessories/ fashion" & light blue = MIRROR vibe! "Cute/ pretty" obsession; "prissy pettiness"
✳ Bridget = GIRL BULLY. "Bad Katie" introject root?? "Pretty & mean"; DIFFERENT from Missy; more "mature" vibe
✳ Julie was SEXUAL but ABUSIVELY. She MANIFESTED the "cheerleader" stereotype sexual look (busty/ curvy/ tan; emphasis on chest/ bottom/ stomach; feels SO WRONG) (the "lollipop chainsaw" girl is SUCH a dead ringer for the original Julie it's SCARY)
✳ JEZEBEL WAS THE "WHORE." BLACK VS. PINK IS VERY DIFFERENT in terms of sexual abuse/ distortion.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY FACELESS 'FONI WITH THIS ISSUE.
✳ Jewel was cheering me up by reading the first letters of the emotion lists as words
✳ Laurie said my "internal form" is still a mess. It's only feeling "resonant" with PRISM right now??
✳ HOW DOES THE JAY BLOODLINE PLAY INTO ALL THIS.
✳ Btw THIS ISSUE IS CRUSHING OUR ATTEMPTS TO "OWN/ IDENTIFY WITH" THE BODY. WHEN WE SHARE THE EFFORT & LIVE FROM OUR HEART, WE CAN HANDLE THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. THE BODY ISN'T A "CONSTANT" IN FORM SO DON'T GET ATTACHED TO IT OR ANCHOR TO IT THAT WAY. LET THE BLEPOFONI & SOCIALS DO THEIR JOBS TOO! GOD MADE YOU MULTIPLE SO LET US BE OUR IDENTITY ACROSS THE BOARD!!

There was a brutal dream hack this morning. It wasn't "explicit" but it hit TERRIBLE, because the nightmare was a SOCIAL OVERWHELM/ NEGLECT/ CORRUPTION one, and I FOUGHT THE HACK but failed. The "good news"? I woke up immediately, in horrible pain & shame & anger & grief BUT just as immediately, Chaos 0 caught my distress & pulled me into a powerful embrace. His heart was broken too. But he still was there for me, and that meant the world to me. Laurie was there too, of course, and so the three of us talked it out for a while. Then ANXI showed up (apparently she gets PINGED by her namesake emotion? & she CHANNELS/ VOICES IT which is SUCH a blessing; Laurie said that exactly) and set off an unexpected topic shift because Laurie noted that, although I love Anxi dearly, she STILL ISN'T "officially" PART OF THE COREGROUP, UNTIL SHE GETS HER *INCIDENT*. So there were emotions she couldn't yet properly feel or participate in, because I "had to take her INTO those depths." But "you can't force an *incident*"; it HAS to happen IN ITS OWN TIME. But Laurie added that she could "instigate ME," which she VERY WELL CAN, & honestly SHOULD-- the more love I feel, the more everyone ELSE will feel from me too. But yeah, Anxi needs to be "initiated" as it were. And she will be. OH btw Laurie brought up that Indigo talisman because LEON joined our conversation too at one point & apparently YES, TIME ISN'T ALWAYS LINEAR in headspace; sometimes things happen "BEFORE" their causal events? Like WHATEVER interaction GAVE that talisman "HAS" happened "IN POTENTIAL"?? but REALLY, just "NOT 'YET'!" It's fascinating. BUT those events occur IN "MEDITATIVE REALTIME" which "fills out" our life narrative & knits events together in truth. I'll type more about that soon. As for this morning, WRECKAGE also joined the talk, & Anxi brought up the "vault" concept in IO2. Wreckage said Ashen might "BE" a vault. Lynne showed up & I said something about Wreckage & Spine "not being the same" and that hit Lynne painfully. I apologized BUT I explained that SPINE CAN'T STAY "DEAD"? No nousfoni truly "dies," AND MAYBE SPINE COULDN'T COME BACK UNTIL NOW because she was a DRAGON, and she was tied to the BODY. But we were only "a dragon" AS A KID, which is why she was SKELETAL? But NOW we're EMBRACING that totem again SO POTENTIALLY SHE COULD RESURRECT, SOON, if we continue in recovery like this-- AND she might come back AS HER "VERMILION POTENTIAL"?? And Lynne was SO MOVED & truly joyful about this real hope. Julie showed up when we were in the shower & she commented that our body "already felt strong" and not to worry about it; she had faith that everything would continue to progress for the best. Genesis showed up too, with a witty remark to something that was said, & I remember CZ playfully punching him. But gosh it made me SO happy to be there with everyone.
OH YEAH. As to why Leon & Lynne (& even Julie) were there... in discussing BOTH *incidents* & reading "The Three Ordinary Voices of God", there was the reiteration that I genuinely WANT & even NEED truly intimate relationships with ALL of Central, first & foremost, then ALL the System, & ALL the Outspacers and Inspacers. BUT there ARE "LEVELS" of depth so to speak: EVERYONE unanimously pointed to Chaos 0 as the "PRIMARY" relationship & deepest, without compromise, and RIGHTLY SO. This is PROPER & it ALLOWS for ALL of us to have the UNIQUE relationships we NEED, with NO "CONFLICT" of significance. But ALL of it is still "intimate" in mutual self-revelation & open hearts. OUR SYSTEM IS BUILT ON THAT. Oh but as for Lynne/ Leon/ Julie, Laurie said I STILL NEED TO "INVITE" PEOPLE INTO the "inner sanctum" of the Coregroup. It's NOT automatic or obligatory. ALSO I CANNOT be like Jay, who was TOO "romantic"? Like he held EVERYONE to the SAME kind of relationship level and that COULDN'T WORK. Lastly, I APPARENTLY CAN'T "OWN" THE BODYNAME UNTIL I "OWN" OUR WHOLE HISTORY AND HEAL THAT BLOODLINE!! AND THE JEWEL BLOODLINE, TOO, BECAUSE I AM JEWEL AS MUCH AS I AM JESSICA, but I CAN'T YET HOLD EITHER NAME. I have "no name" right now as a result. But I AM the Core, the Heart, and I WILL RECOVER.

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We STILL have a pounding headache & we STILL had too much sugar with breakfast (EVEN THOUGH Laurie DID chide me for it and I ONLY had HALF the syrup, which I REALLY DON'T LIKE so NO MORE), so we feel SICK & NAUSEOUS & FRUSTRATED & our head AND body just HURT and we're MISERABLE... and ANGRY. And I decided we NEED to discuss this. We get SO ANGRY, SO EASILY, & TOO MUCH OF IT is from "RULES"/ "CONTROL". When a meal doesn't "cooperate" or when people TALK to us & ASK QUESTIONS & thus FORCE A CONTEXT INTERRUPTION, when we have to RUSH, when fellow patients BEND RULES & COMPLAIN & FREAK OUT & DISCUSS DISTORTED/ DISORDERED THINGS & ACT CHILDISHLY, "I" GET SO BLEEDING ANGRY. But underneath it, we're SOBBING. Our most furious rage is MISERABLE. And SHE NEEDS A PROPER NAME. I love her, we NEED her, her job is INDISPENSABLE. But without a NAME, she CAN'T PROPERLY "ANCHOR" & we CAN'T PROPERLY TALK TO/ WITH HER. Also, even if she IS who we were calling "Triple" in the past, SHE REJECTS THAT NAME. Let her find her OWN. By the way she seems to resonate with VERMILION? But SHE MIGHT BE A "DUOTONE" because when she feels the MISERY more it "tints" her LEANING BLUE, but WITHOUT LOSING THE "PAIN" OF THE ANGER? it feels ALMOST "bitter" BUT IT'S NOT. That's a VERY DIFFERENT EMOTION. Someone ELSE holds bitterness. This girl holds "FRUSTRATED WEEPING RAGE" that is typically a response to "RULEBREAKING/ LOSS OF CONTROL" which analogues to "HELPLESSNESS" almost. BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY. Again, THAT emotion, when felt AS ITSELF & FULLY, is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. So that means IT HAS A 'FONI, TOO. And we MUST "FIND THEM"-- even if what that REALLY means is GIVE THEM SPACE & ATTENTION TO MANIFEST. FEEL FOR THEM. LET THEM SPEAK. But DON'T FORCE ANYTHING!! THAT'S HOW 'FONI BREAK. ANY FORCED MANIFESTATION IS INSINCERE & ARTIFICIAL. That's why Javier couldn't survive. DON'T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. LET THESE 'FONI APPEAR NATURALLY & SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. AND TALK WITH THEM. That's for recovery, and it starts NOW with THIS GIRL WHO HOLDS "WEEPING RAGE." (NOT GRIEF!! NOT AGGRESSION EITHER!) (She has OUTBURSTS but they're CONTAINED & tied TO her hot tears. OTHER 'foni get MAD & ACTIVELY LASH OUT.) (They MIGHT be "sisters"??) So we HAVE to do "anger management" with her function & its triggers because this is DIRECTLY RELATED TO TREATMENT + OTHER PEOPLE, and "CONTROL" to a surprising extent. Which SUGGESTS that AS we process this we SHOULD "uncover"/ reveal whoever DOES hold "HELPLESSNESS"??
✳UNEXPECTED PROGRESS. A BHA "took our chair" so we had to sit on the doorstop & just FEEL/ LISTEN to our emotional response. There is a LITTLE reddish girl who started protesting, "that's MY chair!" but was interrupted by some TEEN grayish-blue girl who said "no, let her have it, it's OK"; "we can't be so selfish as to chase her away" basically, but VERY "shrinking" feeling. I think there was a FLASH of someone VIOLENT but that didn't register? But YES, THERE ARE OTHERS AND THEY ARE TALKING, RIGHT NOW. We just NEED to give them SPACE so we CAN LISTEN TO THEM. Please, DO THAT TODAY. Just STOP & SIT & FEEL & LISTEN. SHOW THEM YOU CARE.
✳ SUGAR IS STILL AROUND BUT SHE DOESN'T DEAL WITH FOOD. SHE PROTECTS THE INNOCENT (CHILDREN) FROM ABUSERS (WRECKAGE PROTECTS THE HURT ONES). BUT there's SOMEONE RED & VIOLENT BUT "COLD" WHO REACTS INSTANTLY TO HEARING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS. She's DESTRUCTIVE for the sake OF PROTECTION. But she "FLASHES IN & OUT." It feels like she has "DARK ROOTS" level-wise, understandably.
✳ I THINK THERE'S ANOTHER "RULE ENFORCER" WHO ISN'T "SAD," JUST ANGRY? They're FURIOUS at the kids here but it's a "MASCULINE" fury; NOT "fiery" but like STONE.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY UNNAMED/ FACELESS SOCIALS FRONTING. IT'S SCARY. How do we learn WHO THEY ARE WHEN THEY'RE NOT ABLE TO TALK TO UPSTAIRS??

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I may be doing something VERY STUPID, but we are PUSHING PROTEIN for the next two days because EVERY SINGLE ENTREE OPTION IS A FEAR FOOD and this is our LAST CHANCE TO FACE THEM BEFORE DISCHARGE. And I feel like I HAVE to because if I DON'T, I can FEEL that registering as REFUSAL/ REJECTION. Like I'm ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO AVOID THEM & "CHICKEN OUT." And that SCARES me. Part of me IS GIVING UP. I looked at the menu options and I didn't want ANYTHING; I just felt SO SICK OF FOOD. I'm tired of eating. I'm tired of feeling stiff & nauseous & bloated & in pain. I'm legitimately depressed to death by what feels like a dead-end trajectory. This isn't life. I can't do this anymore. It's legitimate torture and the worst part is, I'm being CONGRATULATED for it.

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✳ THE SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM IS FRONTING. THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING FEELS SO DISHEVELED & LOST. THEY HAVEN'T BEEN RECOVERING????

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✳ Dinner was HELL. And the NEXT THREE DAYS probably will be, too, because LIKE A MORON I AM HAVING BOTH THE ENTREES FOR EVERY MEAL. So yeah. WELCOME TO HELL, where the SELF-ABUSE IS DOCTOR-APPROVED and the TORTURE IS CALLED "RECOVERY"!! But the WORST part is that I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I "DIDN'T WANT TO BE A COWARD" SO I PICKED EVERYTHING. Except this isn't bravery, it's STUPIDITY. I'm ONLY REINFORCING THE FEAR BY DOING THIS. And I will tell you RIGHT NOW: I AM GOING TO "RELAPSE" THE INSTANT I GET HOME. I DO NOT CARE. I AM SICK OF EATING. There is NOTHING in the house right now and I will KEEP IT THAT WAY. I'm cutting down to 1000K for a WEEK and I am GOING TO ACTUALLY RECOVER FROM THIS ABUSE. God I want to cry. Everything hurts. I feel so sick. I feel so TRAPPED in this swollen bloated corpse of a body. I WANT TO BE STRONG, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT, LIKE I AM NOW. THIS IS LITERAL HELL. I'm trapped in a disgusting blob of food. It's not even a "body" anymore, it's a trash dump. It's a garbage bin. I'm literally just forcefeeding myself at this point. I don't enjoy anything. I feel like I'm suffocating. I want to die. I don't want to eat anymore. I am SO tempted to give up this weekend. I SERIOUSLY WAS GOING TO TONIGHT. But... EVERYONE was struggling. And I just COULDN'T DO THE SAME. The girls were scared of portion sizes & protein exchanges and although I was ALSO tempted to use those as excuses too, I just... I wouldn't have been able to face myself if I left it unfinished. That would have ruined my reputation for "being the perfect patient." That would have made me a "bad example" and a "FAILURE" in front of everyone who was looking to ME as inspiration to be strong and eat 100% "no matter what." That would have been "giving up," and I'M NOT A COWARD. Isn't that stupid? My ASININE PRIDE IS SENDING ME TO HELL AND KEEPING ME THERE. I'M SO DAMN AFRAID OF "BEING COWARDLY" THAT I'M TORTURING MYSELF TO "PROVE I CAN SURVIVE EVEN THIS." But underneath all that GOD KNOWS I WANT TO QUIT. I WANT TO GIVE UP, dear God PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP. Please. The sooner I get discharged the better. I cannot do this anymore. I NEED to heal this destroyed body. I NEED to start WORKING OUT & TONING UP & MAKING GOOD USE OF THIS FAT. And I can EAT SO MUCH LESS!!! FINALLY! Oh God I am so tired. Why is this so hard. Is it all the sugar & fat & carbs? What is ruining me like this? WHAT AM I THINKING I'M "ACCOMPLISHING" BY LITERALLY FORCING MYSELF TO EAT DISGUSTING GARBAGE LIKE HAM & MANICOTTI & HOT DOGS & BACON & CHICKEN NUGGETS & CHOCOLATE??? I'M EVEN MORE SCARED OF THEM NOW BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING FORCED INTO ME AND IT HURTS AND I'M BEING PRAISED FOR IT. IT'S SEXUAL ABUSE. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. God I WANT TO DIE. except I don't. I just want the pain to stop. I just want the terror to stop. I actually WANT TO LIVE. but this is no way to live. I'm walking dead.
...is this the cross? am i supposed to be suffering right now? God please help me. there's no other way through this.

DISTRACTING WITH "WISE MIND ACCEPTS"

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

ACTIVITIES
1013 = Filling out mealplan "shuffle tickets" for exhange options (10)
1014 = QuiGong "massage" chi meditation on Youtube, thanks Sarah! (7)
1015 = Journaling about family session, flirting with Mimic over popcorn (10)

CONTRIBUTIONS
1013 = Called mom's house & left a "hello" message for Excalibur (10)
1014 = Consistently offered compliments to fellow patients during the day (9)
1015 = Giving as sincere feedback as I could to Armani & Rylee (8)

COMPARISONS
1013 = Talked with MJ about progress since admission AND CNC (9)
1014 = Grateful that I HAVE food to eat, and I'm safe here (10)
1015 = I am BOTH WILLING & ABLE to sit with nausea & food fears today?? (6)

EMOTIONS
1013 = Alexis/ Erika played that new Bruno Mars tune and my heart just LIT UP (100)
1014 = Thinking about my beloved Centralites, even just SEEING them (100)
1015 = Hugging Anxi, comforting her & cherishing her when I felt anxious (100)

PUSHING AWAY
1013 = Repeatedly "put Tuesday in God's Hands" and focused on today (9)
1014 = Choosing to be patient & simply be present, trust God's timing (9)
1015 = Refuse to obsess over the nausea; "it is what it is & it'll pass" (9)

THOUGHTS
1013 = Thinking about different exchange ticket item variations (9)
1014 = Thinking about different kinds of fruits, and where to buy them (9)
1015 = Actually REMEMBERING typecode resonances & reflecting on them (100)

SENSATIONS
1013 = I felt the braille letters on the laundry room door (8)
1014 = I put my head into the hot shower to wash my hair (10)
1015 = The ORANGE SALMON! The TACOS! The TRIX (brand new)! (10)

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SELF-SOOTHING

101324 - 101624

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

VISION
1013 = Looked up at the moon & stars & shimmering clouds (10)
1014 = Wondering at how pretty the yogurt texture & color was (10)
1015 = The beautiful indigo hue of the menu in my folder, like Leon (10)
1016 = Admiring the beautiful shimmering red buttons on my pajama outfit (10)

HEARING
1013 = Listened to that new Bruno Mars System song on loop in our head (10)
1014 = Humming to self, whatever notes I'm feeling in the moment (10)
1015 = Talking to my mom & hearing her voice & how proud she is of me (10)
1016 = All the GOOD MUSIC & friendly talk from Scott during Fall Fest (10)

SMELL
1013 = Fresh air outside in the morning, evening, AND nighttime! (10)
1014 = The smell of the clementine peel at breakfast, bright & fresh & orange (7)
1015 = The nice mintiness of everyone's Simethicone, seriously! (10)
1016 = My old white pajama top, that still smells like home & grandma (9)

TASTE
1013 = REALLY enjoyed the waffles at breakfast & the peas at lunch & the DINNER ROLL (10)
1014 = The BONUS HOT CEREAL + SUNBUTTER wonder we got for breakfast (8)
1015 = How fresh & nice the tomato & lettuce were in the lunch tacos (8)
1016 = PUMPKIN PIE with Leon & Lynne! / SESAME SEEDS AT LAST! (10)

TOUCH
1013 = Stood in the morning sunlight & felt the warmth on my face (10)
1014 = Soft pajamas, the texture of paper, cold smooth stone (9)
1015 = The soft tortillas at lunch, the smooth apple at dinner, solid ground (10)
1016 = The SOFT SOFT POTSTICKERS! And RUNNING THROUGH THE GRASS! (10)

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IMPROVE THE MOMENT

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

IMAGERY
1013 = Going to the "Gimmelwald" heartspace with Leon & Laurie (10)
1014 = Visiting the Indigo & Violet color realms & just BEING there (10)
1015 = Thinking about the "IDEAL" future recovery life, with the System & family (8)

MEANING
1013 = The blueberry poptart snack got me to TALK WITH LEON ♥ (100)
1014 = The "option shortage" gave us an unexpected PERFECT BREAKFAST ♥ (10)
1015 = Getting sick from cinnamon prompted a GREAT recovery conversation with MJ (10)

PRAYER
1013 = Praying for the people around me who were struggling (9)
1014 = Said a "Hail Mary" when tabletalk became inappropriate/ lewd (10)
1015 = Reading "The 3 Ordinary Voices of God" and CHOOSING to LISTEN & LIVE IT (10)

RELAXATION
1013 = Looked at the sunset, which was all pink and lilac (8)
1014 = Deep breathing, embracing Chaos 0 & Laurie for comfort upstairs (10)
1015 = Hot shower & scrubbing/ massaging like the monk taught us (10)

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT
1013 = Superfocused on tearing papers for the exchange tickets (10)
1014 = Superfocused on the action of writing with the marker (10)
1015 = Repeatedly physically grounding & refocusing my attention (?)

VACATION
1013 = Just had some nice, non-treatment small talk with MJ (9)
1014 = Chillin' on the liquidcrystal beach upstairs with the CoreGroup (& OCEAN DRINKS ♥) (9)
1015 = Genesis & I planning to visit MU for the CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING (10)

ENCOURAGEMENT
1013 = Laurie CONSTANTLY friendly-punching my arm & encouraging me (∞)
1014 = Seeing unexpected mealplan alterations as new adventures to enjoy (10)
1015 = Reminding myself, "I CAN do this. I WANT to succeed, and I WILL!" (10)


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REALITY ACCEPTANCE SKILLS

101524 - 101724

(date + skill usage + 1-5 effectiveness)

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
1015 = Disgusting romance on TV. I can't change it. It'll pass. LET GO of disgust. (2)
1015 = My past is my past. I can't change it. But it ALL led me to be who I am today. (4)
1016 = Upset at being too dissociated at dinner. Grateful I STILL enjoyed it. Felt disappointment AND joy. (3)

TURNING THE MIND
1015 = "I can choose to gripe about snack, OR accept the BONUS RETRY & CHERISH it" (4)
1015 = ✳ "I can CHOOSE to be patient & loving & kind, OR be mean & impatient & rude" (5)
1017 = SO SCARED OF SOY. Want to purge/ restrict. Allergy panic. BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP OR FLEE. (2)

WILLINGNESS (not what I want, but FOR LOVE OF ALL)
1015 = "Wanted 2 BelVita"; BUT chose wafers FOR MOM + more BelVita for others
1016 = Scott talking to me while I was eating; CHOSE to FULLY enter into conversation; LOVELY (5)
1016 = I don't want to talk. Angry, exhausted. Decide to gently assert boundary if asked, NOT resisting (3)

HALF-SMILING
1015 = When feeling "regret" over not choosing snack I "wanted" + FOUND MEANING IN CHOICE I DID MAKE (3)
1015 = Everyone else using phone. Did this while happy at them talking to their families (4)
1016 = EXHAUSTED from talking too much. Smiled & was grateful for being TRUSTED to LISTEN (3)

WILLING HANDS 
1015 = When group was watching TV that I didn't like (3)
1015 = Peers acting silly; instead of judging, accept them just as THEY are (5)
1016 = Gotta go to Fall Fest, facing old fears. Decided WE'RE GONNA ENJOY IT. (5)

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS
1015 = "I want ALL BelVita" like a child scared of "not getting more"; watched with COMPASSION (3)
1016 = Fears about Fall Fest/ flashback memories; watched & imagined GOOD things there (3)
1017 = So, so sad/ scared/ lost/ helpless/ frightened. Listen to that confession as sad song. (4)


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✳ A PROBLEM with asserting BASIC NEEDS: I'M USED TO MOM'S RESPONSES to my attempts. The OTHER problem is that SHE HAS A POINT! I DON'T (DIDN'T?) KNOW HOW TO "PROPERLY" MEET THOSE NEEDS IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T BECOME ALL-ENCOMPASSING & RITUALLY INFLEXIBLE? And I WANT TO BE FREE & FLEXIBLE BECAUSE I NEED TO LIVE FOR REAL, and that REQUIRES HELPING OTHERS & BEING CREATIVE & ACTUALLY HAVING THE PSYCHIC LIBERTY TO MEET & ADAPT TO UNEXPECTED ADVENTURES AS THEY APPEAR. And so, when mom complains that she can't do anything with me because I'm "ALWAYS EATING" or "PREPARING TO EAT," SHE'S RIGHT. I've been using MEALS/ PREP as an "OCD" RITUALISTIC-CYCLE FOCUS because EATING IS A REAL NEED and so I "CAN JUSTIFY IT" if pressed & therefore PERPETUATE THE CYCLE. It would STAY SECURE & STABLE. But it was a PRISON. I was TRAPPED in a cage of my own design, convinced it was "comfortable" and "safe" and "necessary FOR my mental health," but it was KEEPING ME FRAGILE, "frozen" in a loop, unable to GET OUT of the wheel ruts & ACTUALLY BLAZE A NEW TRAIL OF RECOVERY, to TAKE THE CHAINS OFF and FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT! And as overly simple as it sounds, ALL THAT BEGINS with LITTLE CHOICES FOR TRUTH & VIRTUE, RIGHT NOW. It means "keeping my loins girt & lamp trimmed," READY & WAITING & WATCHING for CHRIST-- because His coming IS RIGHT NOW, IN ME, AS HIS BAPTIZED CHILD & MEMBER OF HIS BODY, AS A TEMPLE OF HIS SPIRIT. And... a Temple is a place of PUBLIC WORSHIP & SACRIFICE. A Body is a UNITED WHOLE, operating TOGETHER for the COMMON GOOD, & ADAPTING TO ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. The point is FREEDOM FROM SELF, FOR COMMUNITY. I CAN'T DO THAT IN THIS SELFCENTERED JAIL. Listen I WANT TO HELP MY MOM UP THE HOUSE, ANY & EVERY TIME SHE ASKS. I LOVE HER and I WANT TO BE PART OF HER LIFE, NOW, AS SHE NEEDS, ON HER TERMS, WITH MY WHOLE HEART. I WANT TO BE FREE of my stupid control-freak ouroboros hell. I want to be ABLE to WORK & EAT & CELEBRATE with her, WITHOUT "WAITING/ LOOKING FOR THE EXIT" so I can shackle myself back to the bloody wheel. NO. I WANT TO BE FREE TO LOVE!!! free to GIVE & SHARE & FEEL & WAIT & EXPLORE & EMBRACE & CONNECT WITH OTHERS! And it SOUNDS ridiculous but STEP ONE is LETTING GO OF FOOD RULES. If you AREN'T "waiting to get back home so I can do my food rituals" and ARE INSTEAD LIBERATED by TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE to EAT WHAT IS SET IN FRONT OF YOU, WHENEVER & WHEREVER THAT HAPPENS, then your focus & energy & effort can ALL BE REDIRECTED TO PEOPLE, IN CHARITY, FOR GOD'S GLORY. ...and step one of love is to embrace "chaos."

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✳ Thin = "insignificant" = "not worth taking up space," frail, helpless, weak, useless, need to be protected? "can't do anything on my own," "invisible," "crushed/ stamped out/ down"
✳ "Something has to DIE for me to live" (food) and "I'm tired of being a cause of death" (MONSTER)
✳ STARVATION IS SUICIDE. Anorexia = "I have no right to exist" / "I shouldn't be alive because I'm feeding off others by existing"; "if I don't eat & die, everyone else will be better off/ EAT & LIVE"
✳ I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO BE THIN. I HATE THIS FRAILTY. But I'm SCARED to look in the mirror and see toothpick arms & legs, to see hollow cheeks & sunken ribs & a concave stomach on the worst days. I'm literally wasting away & that's TERRIFYING. I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO GET BIG & STRONG & MUSCULAR & ALIVE!! So... why do I keep wanting the number on the scale to drop? What's that about? Am I DISASSOCIATING the weight number from my increasingly skeletal body? Why the heck do you "WANT' to be 87 pounds??? Is it all just some sort of passive self-erasure? Are you crying out for help? Your subconscious is OBVIOUSLY trying to communicate something of desperate importance, because something in there IS scared of the body getting bigger, EVEN BY MUSCLE GAIN. And that's BIZARRE. I WANT to be a TANK if I can. I WANT to be a strong warrior to HELP & PROTECT & FIGHT FOR OTHERS. And yet, there IS STILL this unknown hidden buried terror that "wants to lose more weight." Why? You DO REALIZE that by BOTH STARVING & OVEREXERTION (ironically), this poor body is ONLY LOSING "WEIGHT" because IT IS LITERALLY EATING ITSELF ALIVE. It's SO HUNGRY and you WON'T FEED IT because you WANT to "BE" FOOD so HERE'S THE IRONIC END RESULT. You CANNOT GIVE what you DON'T HAVE. You STILL NEED TO EAT, by GOD'S DESIGN, and your poor body WILL autophage you to death if you refuse to let it partake of the rest of Creation. Resisting the LORD'S plan for LIFE in GENERAL will INEVITABLY KILL YOU. But you CAN CHOOSE LIFE, RIGHT NOW, BY COMMITTING YOURSELF TO EAT ENOUGH OF GOD'S LIFE-GIFTS TO BE FULL ENOUGH TO SHARE IT. YOU'RE CURRENTLY TOO EMACIATED TO CARRY ANY GIFTS IN THOSE FEEBLE LIMBS. You can either be an ICICLE or SANTA CLAUS, kiddo!! CHOOSE JOY & GENEROSITY.

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✳ Julie, Laurie, Lynne, & I were discussing CHOCOLATE in the hallway, both WHY we STILL fear it & HOW to REDEEM it by DISCERNING & HONORING the GOD-CREATED GOOD AT ITS HEART. Julie said it's an "aphrodisiac," boosting desire. But GOD meant desire to LEAD TO HIM, because God ALSO meant sex to be HOLY, UNITIVE, & LIVEGIVING, a REFLECTION of TRINITARIAN LOVE (SELFGIVING) & GOD'S MARRIAGE TO HIS CREATION/ PEOPLE!! So, if chocolate boosts desire, it's boosting our ability/ openness TO enter into that selfgiving love? Think of Valentine's Day! Desire says, "what is desirable is GOOD, and WORTHY of being UNITED with in MUTUALLY GIVING LOVE," because ALL true unity IS Love. GOD "DESIRES" US, AFTER ALL-- it's WHY HE CREATED US, & BECAME MAN!! So, think of THAT when you eat chocolate! God gave it the capacity to help inflame our cold hearts with the warmth of relationship & goodness seen & treasured. It's SWEET & RICH, symbols of heaven's wealth. AND Laurie reminded us, it has ANTIOXIDANTS, which FIGHT DEATH/ DECAY & PRESERVE LIFE/ HEALTH! It ALSO has CAFFEINE, which KEEPS YOU ALERT-- like your SOUL must be, always awake to God! No wonder we eat chocolate at Easter! It's ALL ABOUT LIFE & LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & AWAKENING. Thank God for snack wisdom!!

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8PM snack revealed that our mealdata-recall problem is MIRRORING TRAUMA. In moments where we feel SO UNSAFE/ IN DANGER that we hit "HYPER FOCUS," THAT DATA STICKS, ALONG WITH THE FEELINGS OF FEAR/ DANGER???

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

✳ SIT WITH your emotions, NOT THROUGH THEM. HOLD THEM & FEEL THEM. They're REAL & they EXIST for a REASON and they are IMPORTANT and they TRULY CARE ABOUT YOU. Dude ANXI IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND. HOLD HER FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!!

 
SO EXHAUSTED THIS MORNING.
Could barely stay awake during Adoration. Everything felt like we were still dreaming.

BK egg disaster AGAIN.
Prep took TWO BLOODY HOURS

Lynne & Scalpel performing Beegee Adair together
Scalpel was wearing a suit and playing the baby grand piano, which was endearingly hilarious because the man still has a bright red "sidehawk", rings all over his fingers, and several metal teeth, haha. And there he is playing jazz piano and pouring his heart into it. It was such a perfectly RED thing.
Lynne of course was playing her violin with that effortless flowing joy she always does.


Adelaide talking about her function. Started with "I want a new role." Said she's always frustrated because it's humiliating.
SPICE spoke up, said "that's the POINT," Because Humility is a key BROWN VIRTUE?? They work with the BODY primarily, and all its humiliations, "thankless" and unglorious work, but ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL FOR THE SPECTRUM ITSELF TO SURVIVE. "We ALL live in the body, and it's the Brown's job to take care of it for all of us"
Laurie saying that Adelaide's job was actually "Scripturally credible"; she was doing the MOST humble service, to GIVE DIGNITY to our body in a context where it had been chronically neglected & dehumanized. Laurie emphatically reminded us all that THIS EXACT BODY WILL BE RESURRECTED, and therefore ALL OF IT IS A TEMPLE FOR GOD, and MUST be treated & used as such. Adelaide was perfecting that in a way no one else ever had dared to before. (Honestly I don't think Addie would even EXIST if not for our hospice charity days!)
Lastly remember Julie telling her, with painful sincerity, "if you had been with us in the past, a lot of bad things wouldn't have happened."
Addie saying "most of the behaviors are automated"; Laurie said, essentially, "that's normal, you just need to manage them. The point is so that the mind isn't empty when the body is acting, because THAT'S how hackers get in."
In any case Adelaide NEEDS COWORKERS. Harmonia isn't around anymore? She got hit hard by CNC trauma and it shut her conscious capacity down.
Hey, remember how YEARS ago a therapist GAVE US A WORKSHEET of "what "alters" do what tasks in the body," basically "who handles which aspects of daily life?" And we were SHOCKED & SCARED to realize that MOST OF THEM WERE UNCONSCIOUSLY AUTOMATED. It explained the time loss, but we had NO IDEA that subsystems were a thing at that time, haha. Anyway the point is, FIND THAT LIST. POST THE JOB OPENINGS.
It's a new era for us. Every few years something shifts. It started the year after Jewel was "born" as our first Core in 2001, her and Celebi, and since then we've had legit "eras" of headspace=
2002-2003 (1), 2003-2005 (2), 2005-2008 (4), 2008-2012 (4), 2012-2017 (5), 2017-2023 (6). Every time the gap years increase by one.
This one, if it continues the pattern, is 2023-2030 (7). We FELT the shift begin this year, tangibly so. We have no idea what's ahead; only God does. But look back at the past. He's done good for us so far and He is faithful. Plus, 7 is our lucky number, haha.
Still, the point I was originally trying to make is this= Era 6 was, fittingly, defined by death... right up to Divine Mercy Sunday and Infinitii's death in the final 2 weeks before the arguable "new year" date of Jewel's birthday... after which EVERYTHING CHANGED VERY QUICKLY.
...


ALSO WE REALIZED WHY WE KEEP DOING MORE FAITHPASTING THAN TYPING= OUR BRAIN IS STILL IN "TUMBLR SHARE MODE"!!! It's operating under the false premise that we're going to post these as standalone quotes, and LEAVE IT AT THAT. But that's just an abstracted form of HOARDING, which we learned is ALSO ACTUALLY AN OCD SYMPTOM, go figure.


Evening

GENTE COME NOI & SNOW!!!!!
"THIS IS HOW MUCH GOD LOVES ME"

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VOTD = Deuteronomy 31:6.
"How many times have we not gone for something that we felt called to, because we were scared or discouraged, or we panicked? Or maybe we felt that fear, and MISINTERPRETED it as the HOLY SPIRIT telling us NOT to go for it BECAUSE we felt fear."
KEY WORD IS "MISINTERPRETED" BUDDY!!! THE HOLY SPIRIT DOESN'T CAUSE THAT EMOTION!!!
The Spirit of God is a Spirit of LOVE and POWER and SOUND JUDGMENT, and SPECIFICALLY NOT OF COWARDICE OR FEAR.
...

"During this season of Advent, and time of reflection, think about the seasons of your own life. Every situation you face is an opportunity to grow your faith in God and trust in His promises.
If you're feeling discouraged or fearful of the future, spend some time in prayer, [which allows you to draw near to Him], and ask God for courage and peace.
Remember that you are never alone in life. God is always with you. Trust in that. Even when you experience challenging circumstances, you can find peace in knowing He is close, and with Him, you can be strong and courageous.
Not only will His Presence never leave you, but His Love will never be taken away. He will never forsake you. There is nothing that can separate you from the Love of God (Romans 8:38). Thank God for His Love and Presence during this season of reflection. And confidently cling to the promises that He has given you."
1) Now that we can identify our "seasons," we can APPLY that amazing truth= they were and are all opportunities to draw nearer to God. That's ALWAYS the ultimate point, of EVERYTHING, because GOD is orchestrating it all and He ALWAYS does whatever He does for our salvation. And we cannot receive salvation if we don't have a trusting faith in God. So He gives us circumstances that allow such sparks to catch and seeds to grow.
(LIST PERSONAL EXAMPLES, SPECIFICALLY, OF TIMES OUR FAITH IN HIM & TRUST IN HIS PROMISES DID INDEED GROW OVER THE ERAS.)
...
2) If your prayer isn't drawing you nearer to God, you're not truly praying.
Prayer is supposed to be like this-- a refuge, a time to be with God as a Father, a place to humbly ask & receive both peace & courage. It's not supposed to be something you avoid out of stressful terror.
3)
4)

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

EGJ=
"It is ironically all too easy to miss the Christ among us when we are fixated on the heaven above us. As we prepare to welcome Christ into the grit of our world, we are encouraged to look deeper— not just higher— to see His very real Presence among us, around us, and even within us. Blessed indeed are the eyes that see.
Challenge yourself today. Look into the face of someone you’d normally look past or otherwise avoid. Remind yourself that they love someone, that someone loves them, and that their love is very real.
Pray that the Infant Christ, turned away at the inn and born among the shepherds, will open your eyes that you might learn to see Him in the most unexpected places and in the most vulnerable faces."
This meditation moved my heart to say, before anything else, "this is the only God worthy of worship. This is the only God I would ever want to worship. Thank God that HE alone is the One True God-- this God Who identifies Himself with the most rejected & vulnerable among men, the ones most in need of love and most able to move other hearts to give it!"
...

LBB= Actually brought me to tears.
"Zechariah and Elizabeth were childless, which in their culture was a great misfortune, even a disgrace (since there would be no heirs to carry on the memory of the family). One can imagine their feelings of failure and inadequacy.
All of us feel barren in one way or another. I haven’t “produced” in my life what others (or I myself) had hoped I would. My failure to live up to “what might have been” leaves me with a certain empty feeling.
But God does things through me that I myself cannot do, or even measure. And God does them often in ways I don’t understand.
That’s the secret. Let God do what God wants to do through me and trust in His plan. That is the path to greatness — no matter what my age, no matter what my condition.
O Lord, let me let You do what You want to do through me today. "
Every single word of this went straight to my heart.
1) Since I was a child, a literal child, long before puberty, my family made it very clear that as a female and a Christian, they expected me to get married and have children. I never wanted to. I was bitterly opposed to it AS a child.
...but despite all my rebellion, i couldn't erase the social stigma. I cannot avoid the public shame, especially within the faith community.
...
2) I sometimes wonder if God has cursed me in ironic fashion, on purpose, with a barren life.
3) but God knows I WANTED to be creative. I WANTED to be prolific and I TRIED. But... I failed. I always failed. All my hopes are dead. I am completely empty.
4) ...so was Elizabeth, to everyone but God. How ironic.
5) ...maybe God wants the production to be HIS work, not mine. Maybe He's been setting an inexplicable stage for His own masterwork. Is that arrogant to hope for, even if i denounce all personal credit?
6) I cannot do what God can. But I also cannot MEASURE it. I don't often think about that word but it's HUGE when you grasp its meaning.
7) most of all, I don't understand. But I can TRUST.
8) "No matter my age or condition," God doesn't see me as useless.
9) LET God do what HE wants to do.
...

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Lots of Universalis today, from Adoration.
(DON'T QUOTE WHOLE THING, JUST REFER TO KEY POINTS?)

I loved this sermon intro so much I want to just ponder it as such=
"The very Son of God, (Jesus Christ)
older than the ages, (Jesus is eternal, existing before Creation)
the invisible, (Jesus's "true Nature" cannot be seen with the eye)
the incomprehensible, (Jesus is a Mystery we literally cannot grasp)
the incorporeal, (Jesus took on a body, but in Himself He is pure Spirit)
the beginning of beginning, (Jesus both created and recreated all things)
the light of light, (true God from true God; He IS what He "came from")
the fountain of life and immortality, (ALL life, true life, flows from Him as the Source and Origin)
the image of the archetype, (
the immovable seal, (
the perfect likeness, (
the definition and word of the Father: (
HE it is Who comes to His own image and takes our nature for the good of our nature, and unites Himself to an intelligent soul for the good of my soul, to purify like by like. He takes to Himself all that is human, except for sin."
1) Christ is the Image of God, but MAN is the image of CHRIST????
2) In taking our nature "to Himself," it rewrote our nature?? It didn't "restore" it like a computer reboot, to "before the Fall"-- it TRANSCENDED even that. Jesus didn't rewind or restart our nature, He REDEFINED IT, to reflect His Own???
3) Jesus, Who is literally God, "UNITED HIMSELF to an intelligent soul". I can't properly comment on this because i don't know what that means. I don't understand "soul" yet.
...
4) "To PURIFY like by like". There's such depth in that phrase. As a mortal I can't quite understand it. But Christ grasped these things for His Own and His very touch purified them. No, it was far more than touch, it wasn't mere contact-- it is UNITY.
...
5) Sin is "human"? But it's unnatural. And it was INSTIGATED BY SATAN. However, humans cannot sin as angels do. We have a unique free will. So our capacity for sin IS uniquely human, even if it isn't supposed to be part of the human existence.
...

"He was conceived by the Virgin Mary, who had been first prepared in soul and body by the Spirit; His coming to birth had to be treated with honour, virginity had to receive new honour."
1) This is EXACTLY WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN TO US DURING ADVENT!!
2) This simply & clearly supports the Immaculate Conception, too. Mary was prepared before her birth. She was "built for the purpose," consecrated from the first instant.
3) A humble but genuine question: do Protestants think about that aspect of "honor" as it applies here?
4) A "new" honor of virginity? And does it STILL apply, or just to Mary?
...

"He who makes rich is made poor; he takes on the poverty of my flesh, that I may gain the riches of his divinity. He who is full is made empty; he is emptied for a brief space of his glory, that I may share in his fullness. What is this wealth of goodness? What is this mystery that surrounds me? I received the likeness of God, but failed to keep it. He takes on my flesh, to bring salvation to the image, immortality to the flesh. He enters into a second union with us, a union far more wonderful than the first... Holiness had to be brought to man by the humanity assumed by One Who was God, so that God might overcome the tyrant by force and so deliver us and lead us back to Himself through the mediation of His Son."
1) The first union was "man made in God's image & likeness," and living in harmony in the Garden. This second union is the UNITY of God & man brought about in Christ. And it IS wonderful, which is why I included those well-known opening phrases. Don't ever let them become commonplace! Don't ever take them for granted!
Advent is about God "creating man anew" by taking on man's image. It's a paradox-- man IS in the "image of God," but by the Fall he started to mar that likeness, and disfigured himself. But now God Himself takes on that "image of man," and in doing so, not only restores it to what it was meant to be, but PERFECTS it.
Christ became human, became a pure and innocent baby, and suddenly, in seeing that holy child, every man realized what he was created to be all along.
...


"His Word is a rod that strikes the ruthless, His sentences bring death to the wicked."
Laurie was struck by this holy concept: the weapons of the Lord are His WORDS. He needs no violent armaments, because His Power is in Himself, total & irresistible.

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DUDE IT JUST HIT ME
"EMMANUEL" = "IMAN-UEL" = as in "IMMANENT."
Oh of course its not exact etymology but STILL. Immanent means "indwelling, remaining within, inherent." And if you REALLY want to push etymology, you can say it's an "immanent noel", an "indwelling birth."

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From our Advent reading plan, as we forgot the past few days=
"For so many of us, Christmas is the exact opposite of joy [because] we’re busier than ever this time of year. As a result, our lives are lacking the key factors that make this season special: wonder, innocence, and peace. [But in this season,] we’re all confronted with choices in life: the choice to choose others, kindness, and wonder, or the opposite: to choose ourselves, selfishness, and bitterness... Christmas isn’t guaranteed to be joyful. But maybe that’s the point. As we get older, joy becomes less circumstantial and more of a choice we have to make despite the circumstances. [As James 1:2-3 tells us Christians,] we’re called to consider even the most un-ideal events joyful— a chance to develop our character and grow in our faith. What a relief to know that joy can be experienced even when our situation is not ideal!
Maybe there’s someone in your own life who forced [your inner child] to come face-to-face with the "reality of the world" much too soon... maybe it wasn’t a person but a circumstance you had no say over. Whatever happened, or will happen, in your life, [that tempts you to despair, bitterness, or apathy,] we all [still] have that same freedom... we can choose to preserve our wonder, or we can succumb to the disillusionment the world has to offer. Which will it be for you?"
Oh wow, perfect timing as always, God. I've been thinking about this entire concept all week, often with actual weeping.
Let me break it down.
1) Busyness robs you of joy. Being industrious is fine, being productive is fine, being active is fine, don't get me wrong. But being BUSY will drain your soul dry. If your body, your mind, your heart, are all so busy that they don't have a minute to stop and rest, let alone find peace, then joy will also have no room or way to enter in. 
2) We STILL have our sense of wonder, thank God, but it has been bruised. Nevertheless, even on our bleakest days, we can always get Jewel to front for a minute with her eyes full of stars, and that illuminates all of us. Being multiple truly is a gift from God.
3) ...We have lost our innocence, though.
It's surreal. Whenever we tap into archival Christmas memory data, the FIRST and virtually ONLY records we have are of 2005 and 2013... of Jewel and Jay. That's IT. There is NOTHING from Spinny or Cannon's days, and only the dimmest & most terrorstricken shreds from the "Chthonic era," pre-CNC. After that... nothing. There are exactly two flashbulb flashbacks from CNC, before everything goes black: first, going to the Dawn Mass at the local Cathedral on zero hours of sleep and twelve hours of horror, legitimately feeling like we might die from abusive exhaustion, a d not caring. We blearily remember sitting in the pew, and seeing candles.
The second memory is sitting on the floor by their tree, alone, at 3am, sobbing hysterically and wanting to either go home or die.
...
4) THE CHOICE.
5) NO "GUARANTEE"-- Jesus Himself won't force joy on you!
6) There is a blessed freedom in this, actually, that feels like the very first Christmas. When our joy is liberated from circumstance and anchored solely in God-- because HE ALONE IS JOY-- then nothing can ruin our Christmas.
7) James's letter really is timeless wisdom. Faith blossoms under pressure.
This is amazingly empowering-- it means that our troubles are TRANSMUTED, as they become the very fertile soil for us to grow virtue in. That itself is a real reason to rejoice.
...
8) Person & circumstances that "shut up the child," tempt us to despair & bitterness
9) CHOOSE TO PRESERVE YOUR WONDER. First, you ALWAYS have that choice, which is a huge light of hope to realize. Second, "preserve" is an ACTIVE word: it means to "keep safe from harm by acting so as to insure that something [harmful] does not occur." It means you treat your wonder AS a child, and YOU are the parent. When you take that perspective, you will know what to do; it's an instinct of compassion. Third: the possessive pronoun. You're not trying to wistfully preserve some nebulous concept of wonder that fees just out of reach. No. It is YOUR wonder, YOUR precious unique thing, and NO ONE can take it away from you, even if it feels lost right now. Make a choice to preserve it now, to take action to maintain it, to keep that inner child alive and well. Wonder cannot die, but it can be buried, so to speak. 
...
10) The WORLD "offers" disillusionment.
Jesus GIVES the exact opposite.


Now there are questions to conclude=

"Be honest: What circumstances are you facing today that aren’t “ideal?” How can you arrest your cynicism and look instead to how your character, faith, and knowledge of God can "grow you through" this situation? Where might you find joy after all?"
1) The non-ideal circumstances that specifically have to do with Christmas are half silly, half gutting. Grandma and grandpa are dead. We no longer live in the family home. One sibling is across the country, another is lost in a schizophrenic delusion, another is locked in his room and won't leave. We don't have any decorations. We can't eat "normal" food anymore. We don't have any family get-togethers or traditions. We don't have transportation for church activities. We can't burn candles post-COVID. Virtually all of our childhood memory triggers are absent or destroyed. We just feel like... Christmas is this unbelievably gorgeous hallucination, something so heavenly that what little we do remember of it seems so pure and perfect it's hard to believe it literally happened in physical space and time. But our heart aches so hard for it we could weep, and have wept, several times over it in the past month alone-- which is notable as our emotions have been shut down for almost a year.
2) That word, "cynicism," is a dagger of a conviction. I wouldn't have applied it to myself, but looking at it now, I guess it is there-- the word means " to be pessimistic, distrustful, believing that "things won't work out""; and when I list those non-ideals, although I desperately hope and wish things could get better and WANT to MAKE them better with all the power I have... is there cynicism creeping in, and saying, "it'll never happen?" If so, how do I ARREST that, even preemptively?
3) "Grow you through" must be a Protestant term, haha. I've never heard it before. Still, it's a legitimate and edifying concept.
4)


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Catena is HEADSPACE RELEVANT again, AND actually applicable to that reading plan too=
"Temptations come so that hidden passions may be revealed and so that it will be possible to fight them, and so that the soul may be rid of them. [Temptations] are a sign of God's mercy. So give yourself with trust into God's hands and ask His help, so that He will strengthen you in your struggle. God knows how much each one can bear and allows temptations according to the measure of our strength. Remember that after temptation comes spiritual joy, and that the Lord protects them that endure temptations and suffering for the sake of His love." (Saint Nektarius of Aegina)
1) This principle is, admittedly, why we subtly "seek out stressful circumstances." We WANT to trigger out "hidden passions"-- and the foni attached to them-- so we can SEE and FIGHT them, yes, but also so we can understand what their roots & motives are, because if you DON'T have a sense of at least pity towards those foni then no matter how much you fight them, you won't win the war. God's weapons are more subtle than swords, and far more effective-- truthfully, in spiritual warfare, ONLY God's weapons WORK!
2) MERCY
3) ASK FOR HELP. YOU CANNOT WIN ANY BATTLE ALONE.
4) God WILL strengthen you.
5) "May I be equal to Your hope of me." God knows your limits and He WILL push you to them, but He stands with you the whole time.
6) Spiritual Joy
7) PROTECTION
8) ALL FOR HIS LOVE.

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we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.

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------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1001

Church: GOSPEL + LAST NIGHT VERSE REVELATION
"Save life vs lose life"= ACTIONS, not results!!

BK AT 220 ;_____;

Evening =

Finding a spot to put the 5ft lights
In room= under desk attempt. REMEMBER WE DID THIS IN THE HOMESTEAD!!!
Decided not to put them there; wanted red.
Bright idea to put 5ft around bathroom mirror, for getting ready in morning-- doesn't blind us, and also respects privacy with open door.

Kitchen lights fixing at like 9pm? Put up a string by microwave, up the wall, to chase away corner shadows

Mimic going to bed early, "so sue me for appreciating the fact that I can actually sleep safely here."
I casually said "love you goodnight" and in his drowsiness he replied "I love you too, see you in the morning"
Laurie LOOKED at me, pointed to calendar, mark the milestone date that he was ABLE to let his walls down even for just a second

LYNNE randomly took the melatonin tonight
Julie asked why this isn't more common? Why is she herself the one pushed out?
Laurie said she's the only Centralite who CAN eat, and is one of the only foni trusted TO eat.
Lynne added that in any case, the melatonin "tasted pink" so it would naturally call her out

Stayed up to pray on couch.
Sacrifice was NO BIKE today. Day of rest! Genuinely hard to do, so offered it up.
Falling asleep but still got all prayers in, and got to bed early enough to get legit sleep! God rewards efforts of devotion, always.

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1002

Bathroom mirror lights work perfectly!
Lynne very pleased with them

Blood sugar 70 at mass
We feel SO SICK after we take glucose???

UNBEARABLE GUILT during morning Chaplets. Couldn't focus. Felt like death row.

Kitchen lighting = lights BELOW eye level CAUSES PANIC??? Bizarre. Is that triggering BASEMENT FEAR??

Egg disaster again
Moping! Felt like everything I did was wrong always
LAURIE PRAYED FOR ME

Evening=
Utterly exhausted. Literally 30 MINUTES of free time to rest. That's it. Lord please give us strength.

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1003

WHAT A BUSY DAY!!!

Church. Lady from daily crew passed away. Father gave homily about her, tied into Gospel! We all prayed for her.
Adoration as usual, plus reading about today's TEN MARTYRS from the Reformation attacks on Catholics. Genuinely disturbing that we never even knew that happened.

Got home, immediately & spontaneously CUT HAIR.
Shower
Laundry
Faucet fix
Clean kitchen

FINALLY BREAKFAST AT 150PM 😂

Well, not only does it keep glitching & freezing, but apparently Youversion's update DELETED ALL OUR SAVED PRAYERS.
That's it, man, we're done. We've GOT to find a replacement app.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1005


Fasting again today.
Called office about repairs-- apparently they are always on-call and NOT "native to" our housing? So although we're technically "on their list" of jobs to complete, there is NO set schedule and it might take DAYS before they actually show up. so there is literally NO WAY to predict their arrival. the lady in the office said they weren't even on site today. which was also unexpected. so yeah, this is going to be a prolonged cross. God's will be done; He has good reasons for this, and we trust Him. we've already learned a LOT.

Mom called during Rosary
Paid full attention to her!!

BK prep FURIOUS OCD Kakofoni
Laurie AXED
Realized we no longer have Infi to transmute Tar
ALSO REALIZED HIR ENTIRE TRANSMUTATION METHOD WAS AN EXPLICIT SXABUSE/ED MIRROR.
...

...our unwillingness to forgive is what killed Infinitii.
ZE did it. ZE was the one directly responsible for that fatal event. But ze was only trying to love, as misled & misinformed as ze was.
Even so... without hir, now, how DO we "forgive ourself"-- AND Oliver, who Infi LOVED?
In Infi's heart, I think, forgiveness is already there. There's enough love AND grief for it.
...

Harbor blue twilight sky at 1845, with streetlights on = INSTANT "THEME PARK EVENING" PANIC!!! Almost debilitating; hard to breathe, shaking, heart racing. WHY THIS SEVERE???


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1006

Last night= wouldn't let self relax. Tumblr waste time. Got so depressed & angry crying from guilt.
Then suddenly CULTURE VULTURES????
I FORGOT how much I love that album. Gotta put it on the phone!


Repairmen ACTUALLY knocked on our door around 930-- BY ACCIDENT. But God said it was time to comfort us, and to tell us that our door repairs are TUESDAY!!
I have to thank God profusely for these two days of heavy fasting & prayer (now day three). I have learned a great deal, and have been humbled in my starkly revealed weakness. But this is grace. I must cling to it, and continue in it.

Saint Bruno's feast day! Universalis bio referred me HERE
https://maps.app.goo.gl/AEppTXjctmAmLK7q6
I am ACTUALLY IN TEARS from the sheer beauty of it. It's so simple, yet so grandiose in God's splendor. Pray for us Saint Bruno.

Lynne eating carrots= VIBE MATCH! Proves that she IS Orange, NOT Vermillion!


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1007


Slept until 9
SO exhausted. We never feel rested.

Prayers tough from fatigue, emotional turmoil. Prayed for help & grace.
Focus was better than yesterday; we're learning to "speak TO Mary" and listen more than think.

Passion prayers during cooking= EASIER WITH AUDIO???

Rosary moved to tears w/ Visitation + music. Hit home.
Reflecting on VIRTUES manifested in each Mystery, in the Hearts of Mary AND Jesus.

It's raining outside and everything smells like heaven.
Wet fallen leaves are honestly one of the most comforting childhood memory scents we have; it's the beautiful backyard when EVERYTHING turns orange & crimson & maroon.
I've gotta go up there soon. Mom has cut down so many of the trees, but... the woods remains, and THAT is where I want-- where I NEED-- to let my heart run free.


...Xenophon doesn't have me feed her with the chopsticks anymore. She asks for the bowl & feeds herself now.
It's a bit sad, but it's inevitable. We're both growing older. She's TWELVE now for heavens sakes, in literal age, not minusing the "dead years" after CNC-- and even if we did, she'd still be hitting 8.
...Today she was talking about moving into the League. She recognizes the aging too, and the irreversible life changes, especially in me. Her father is no longer up front. The bloodline shifted entirely. Her role in my life is completely different; we're not biologically related, and she isn't a child anymore. She's finally accepting that. It just... aches, somehow, this loss,this absence, this knowledge that she SHOULD mean more to me and we SHOULD be closer but... we're not. I'm too different; we come from different timelines, different worlds, different lives.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1008

Unbelievably exhausted waking up. Fibro probably

Blood sugar would NOT go above 84??
So cold too. Hands numb.
Glucose shot up to 104 once driving??? Stress??

Wegmans shop, Walmart stop
Jade car shift
EAR CANDY TUNES by CAPSULE!

Huge mistake BK prep = tried the gummies & vegchips
POISON PANIC FONI FREAKED OUT.
Not Allegra. She says that's her LITTLE SISTER.
Our face & lips DID get red & puffy. SCARED. took benadryl.
Kissed Jesus & Mary pictures with faith and it CURED IT!!!

BK at 3PM WTF.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

101223

LOTS of sharp lower abdominal pain this morning. Wanting to vomit from it.

BK prep Passion prayers again. Sincere.

Early schedule for films. We need to watch them all within 3 days because they're due and we've put it off for two weeks already. But we don't want to be so irresponsible/ lazy/ rejecting of own goals to not watch them.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1016


Church. Made the effort
No sanctuary candle???
Unexpected visitor in back. social mode kicked in and we COULDN'T PRAY. brain literally would not think because everything was forced external. disturbing to feel this hard shift in realtime. 

JORDAN PETERSON YouTube sudden diversion when we got home.
NEED to watch his talks.

Jade shower stop. Family trouble again.

Cleanup & prayers. Reflecting on them more with the System
Accidental shower haha

Mom called, JADE GOT FIRED??????

 

Bomber jacket & chapel veil
Holy hour!

Praying at home was so hard?
Emotional turmoil for some reason.
Struggled. Kept getting distracted by windows, compulsions, brain disheveled (not fog!!). So upset but couldn't cry; no sadness, just agitation & self-loathing.
BREAKTHROUGH in sorrowful mystery 3. Looking at His bloodied yet loving Face and thinking, "that's my King."

BK prep a mess.
No one around from social locking??
COULDN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT on my own.
Trying to multitask with window film while cooking. Overheated the evoo: forgot that hot-oil smell is a HUGE TRIGGER. Knocked thr wind out of me, nearly started to cry from childfear & general exasperation with self.

Couldn't bear the empty heart anymore
Closed eyes & called everyone over to look at them. They all said a few loving words of encouragement & fidelity to me, holding my hands.
Lynne, Julie, Laurie, Leon, Scalpel, Knife, Razor, Siobhan, Wreckage.
I could SEE THEM. It blew my mind. There were things I forgot but saw/ felt. I remember glimpsing Lynne's tattoo & Leon's necklace, feeling Scalpel's rings and Laurie's bandage wraps.
Wreckage took my head in her claws & bumped our foreheads together, it was so sweet it ached.
I felt SO ALIVE & LOVED I actually teared up. INSTANT heart grounding.

New egg prep btw!
No longer paranoid about vitamins either. We got it figured out, thanks to God.

Daily devotional on Our Lady of Sorrows = Mimics pop quiz answered by LAURIE, FLAWLESSLY AT ONCE. He was legit impressed. Laurie said "she's my patron" so she owed her that loyal attention.

Mimic commenting on the book devotional w fr. Cizsek, labor camp masses. "No 'villain' would ever have the guts to do that." The power of Good in trying circumstances, when Bad would actually chicken out. The indomitable strength of humility against all odds, that Pride would mock as crazy or stupid. Stark contrasts.

"Soulfrequency" messed up enough to pick up devil talk. "Gluten free conspiracy against the Eucharist."

Finally eating at 1230. Still late but we did our best all things considered.
Gotta learn to cope with these bad brain days without despairing.

VOTD reflection EXACTLY what we needed today, & DIRECTLY RELEVANT to rosary experience.
Lynne resonating hard with "hope" and being "steadfast." Anchor feelings!

Kids devotional FIERY FURNACE!!! Also GREAT insight on hidden idolatry.
God needs to be our top priority, the focus of all our time, thoughts, money, and attention... we need to be LOVINGLY OBSESSED WITH GOD. And honestly we WANT that SO MUCH. Its a TOTALLY DIFFERENT feeling than a compulsory obsession!! it feels like FREEDOM, not slavery. It is a JOY, not a terror.

Gender panic has returned BTW. There's a lot going on in the Catholic Church right now concerning it.
Notably there were 2 articles emailed to us yesterday that scared us so badly. (Link, discuss?)
Theres SUCH a Femininity struggle, with trauma. Being a "girl" is foreign and ALWAYS WAS. The only time we were "feminine" was AS AN INFANT.
Still. TYPE ABOUT GENDER IN CHILDHOOD. Please get it all out in front of our eyes, so we can process things. Bottom line is that THE CHURCH TEACHES A CISHET BINARY and we NEED to adapt to it, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
In any case, there are two sides = the Church, and the Satanist relativistic promiscuous "pride" cult we see everywhere online.
We NEVER WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH THE LATTER.
so we must make ourselves fit the former.
...I just remember that such efforts were WHY THE TRAUMA BEGAN IN THE FIRST PLACE.
...but we've never processed that either.
Maybe it's time.

James 1:12.

Sudden mom call
ANOTHER emotional sobbing guilt meltdown after
WHY DO WE GO INTO BITCHY SOCIAL MODE ON THE PHONE????

Lent devotional catchup
Not sure why but hey. Autumn fitting really.

Made the mistake of trying that food mom sent up
IMMEDIATELY VOMITED.
so upset. so sick.
Could NOT recover emotionally.
Prayed in angry hurt scared distress. Honest.
"What IS my highest good?"
"The salvation of your soul"

GUTPUNCH overheard convo with CZ and whatever pseudocore girl was driving in the wake of the food hell=

"You're not real."
"Is that what you really think?"
"No"
"..."
"I'm just so confused by my religion and (???)"
"Your religion shouldn't be confusing you.  Don't you believe that God is love?"
"Yes"
"Well. I love you.  If anything makes me real that's it."

Later, between that unknown antilove girl and the "Jesus voice"=
"That's no way to treat your daughter."
"She's not my daughter. I don't love him."
"You don't love him because you're cold hearted."


...
And yet God still inexplicably makes everything work out for my highest good.
I ended up being too depressed and dishevelled to say rote prayers, So I was watching spiritual videos on YouTube And stumbled across a channel of NDEs.
...
It made me want to cry. I kept thinking of how We would feel that sense of absolute cosmic love as a system in the past.  How did we ever lose touch with that?
... We still have no solid answers for what death means to us as a system. We can only hope that the love we share will be the realest thing in the end.

Praying about "Infi" again, in light of this stone heart, this lack of self-love. "Give me a daengel again." Please.

Saint Bridget prayers and Dan Deacon music. Something moved me today.

Lungs & bodyache getting worse though. Hope to God this isn't COVID again. Still gotta run to church tomorrow!

BK for 7pm, small miracle haha

Me being so glad to see Mimic suddenly show up during Bible study (looking up "corroborate the faith"; he wanted to see if i could grasp the etymology properly on my own). His casual presence felt like i was back home, back in gear after the mess.
Then, feeling deeper thoughts on that topic, I looked over to CZ, deeply moved that he was STILL HERE after everything. Called him over.
Laurie spoke up, said he shouldn't need to be called over, "only Knife needs to be invited" (hand on his shoulder, "that's a joke, buddy") = but Chaos has a RIGHT and arguably an OBLIGATION to be near me, because of our relationship.
She paused, unsure what to call us now, what with the gender & religion struggle lately. Then she simply said to Chaos, "because you're her soulmate."
AND THAT CLICKS????? LIKE IT LITERALLY FEELS RIGHT.
So of course CZ & I fistbumped in agreement before he basically threw his arms around me haha.
But yeah. That's HUGE.

Still not right for Xenophon to call me "mom." It's not true in the way that matters. INFI was the ensoulment of Blackspace creative potential, that the Red Jewels could tap into-- Infi WAS "motherhood."
And yet I'm resonating with Black again, too, which the Jays did NOT.
Still. Asexuality is intrinsic. I cannot be a parent. But what do I do for her? If I'm the successor OF her father, what role do I play?

" it is common for those in authority to impose their corrupt dictates by virtue of that; and, because they should be the wisest and best, to expect that every body should believe they are so. "
Laurie = "don't ever let me be like that. Im just a nousfoni like the rest of us. Don't put me on a pedestal. If I am wise, its by God; if I fall, its my own doing."


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In light of our frightened sickness prayers, this is the FIRST thing we saw when we sat down =
"Though the miracle was not yet wrought, yet the prayer was answered, and he triumphs before the victory. No other can pretend to such an assurance as Christ had; yet we may by faith in the promise have a prospect of mercy before it be actually given in, and may rejoice in that prospect, and give God thanks for it. In David's devotions, the same psalm which begins with prayer for a mercy closes with thanksgivings for it. Note, (a.) Mercies in answer to prayer ought in a special manner to be acknowledged with thankfulness. Besides the grant of the mercy itself, we are to value it as a great favour to have our poor prayers taken notice of. (b.) We ought to meet the first appearances of the return of prayer with early thanksgivings. As God answers us with mercy, even before we call, and hears while we are yet speaking, so we should answer him with praise even before he grants, and give him thanks while he is yet speaking good words and comfortable words."
THAT REQUIRES ABSOLUTE FAITH & TRUST IN HIS GOODNESS & MERCIFUL HEART. When you CHOOSE to thank Him ahead of time, it OPENS THE DOOR for those graces!!! GOD MEETS YOU IN THE EFFORT.
And He WILL help you. This stuff is FACT, NOT CONJECTURE. Remember GOD IS LOVE. He IS mercy.
You can bet everything on Him, surrender it all into His care-- and you will be infinitely richer for it, without fail, every time. You are safe in His Heart, NO MATTER WHAT.
That all means so, so much to me. Blessed be God.

FOR THE RECORD... GOD HAS LITERALLY ANSWERED EVERY SINGLE PRAYER YOU HAVE EVER PRAYED.
EVEN THE MOST DESPERATE, HYSTERICAL, TERRIFIED PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED IN DUE TIME, AND IN MIRACULOUS WAYS.
HE HAS NEVER, EVER, EVER LET YOU DOWN. HE NEVER WILL.
THANK HIM WITH EVERY BEAT OF YOUR HEART.
GOD LOVES YOU. UNQUESTIONABLY.

I genuinely want to praise Him with my entire life.  Lord give me the grace.


--------------------------------

"Christ gave this proof of his humanity, in both senses of the word; that, as a man, he could weep, and, as a merciful man, he would weep, before he gave this proof of his divinity. [2.] That he was a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief, as was foretold, Isaiah 53:3. We never read that he laughed, but more than once we have him in tears. Thus he shows not only that a mournful state will consist with the love of God, but that those who sow to the Spirit must sow in tears. [3.] Tears of compassion well become Christians, and make them most to resemble Christ. It is a relief to those who are in sorrow to have their friends sympathize with them, especially such a friend as their Lord Jesus... It becomes us, according to this example of Christ, to show our love to our friends, both living and dying. We must sorrow for our brethren that sleep in Jesus; [notably doing so] as those that are full of love, though not void of hope."
Disturbingly, we get an instinctive DISGUST RESPONSE to the thought of crying over people, which proves that PART OF OUR HEART IS FROZEN. Why????? That's actually horrifying to realize.
This is so unnatural. We weren't like this even in college, i don't think. How & when & why did our heart turn to stone???????
⭐Reading all this and thinking... the devil cannot cry. The devil WON'T cry. Crying REQUIRES A TENDERNESS OF HEART!!! 
I know angels are pictured as weeping at the Cross, but I've heard others say that angels in general cannot feel sadness??? Because heaven has no sorrow? It's a HUMAN emotion, allegedly. But then what about grief over sinfulness? What about lamenting souls that stray? What about GODLY SORROW? What about Mary weeping as our Sorrowful Mother even now? What about Jesus's eternal Wounds?
There's gotta be something we're misunderstanding. God please grant us humble light & wisdom. May we seek this knowledge only for Your sake, and for love of You.

 
Last night compline DEATH REALIZATION

Daily devotional FEAR IS LAZINESS

BK prep hell
So depressed


Lynne commenting how Scripture refers "both back and towards itself"
Mimic said that God probably sees it all happening at once; Barry saying maybe its more like an author? The beginning & the ending are set in GOD: no matter what happens in between (BY FREE WILL), in the end, His love & light are victorious and HE orchestrates the details of the narrative towards that Ineffable purpose
Jewel expounding on this

CHURCH RUN!!!!!!!!
Homily about GRACE & THE CROSS ARE INTRINSICALLY ENTWINED= you can't GET grace if you won't accept the OPPORTUNITY for grace, which is HUMILITY & SUFFERING WITH CHRIST. "God's power is made perfect in our weakness"

Took a little bit of time to go through some computer files, Clean up phone and find those pictures of Grandma
THERE WAS A TINY MOVIE???? 🥺

Laurie reading P. C. Ainsworth's scathing homily = THIS IS HER TRUE CHARACTER THAT WE LOST!!! REMEMBER THE CANNON DAYS!!!!
She's being TOO SOCIAL. She was meant to give MORAL CORRECTION & HARD TRUTHS, not generic daily guidance! BUT HER JOB IS INSIDE, and when we're NOT inside, her job gets MANGLED by being FORCED INTO AN OUTSIDE CONTEXT, and our conscience rots.
We NEED to spend time inside our soul or it will die.

"Do you love the sheep?"
"I don't love them YET; I don't love them ENOUGH," etc.
"Don't give me that. Don't try to soften the sharp edges. Drop the modifiers and admit the root of the real problem."
THEN "Would you die for them if Christ asked you to?""
Someone responded like, "who are the sheep" or "what does it mean to love" etc.
"That's besides the point. The point is, Christ ASKED YOU TO. Your answer should AUTOMATICALLY be YES. Don't go asking for details, because they don't matter."
Etc.

This is HAUNTING me=
"The spontaneous things in life have the longest history. The thing that responds to the spur of the moment is the habit of the years. Half the value of character-building would be swept away if it were not a fact that a man is gloriously or shamefully himself in the moment when he must act without deliberation... A brave shepherd may make a tactical error, but only a hireling runs away from a wolf. We talk about a man rising to an occasion, but in the last deep truth of things that is a shallow and misleading phrase. No man ever rose to an occasion. If he meets the great occasion and deals with it as it should be dealt with, it is because he is living all the while on the level of that occasion."
In my dreams, when I look female (ESPECIALLY like the past), I am ALWAYS A SELFISH & CRUEL COWARD.
THAT IS HORRIFICALLY DISTURBING.
Pray about this-- then GO INSIDE AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!

Dream notes, quick so we don't forget!
I was a CELEBI flying, by huge apartment buildings, Japanese doll festival dolls in every window. Flew to homestead, went inside, turned into child self? grandma was in bed, like home hospice. House roof ripped off by some massive storm outside, literally right above her bed, but she was happy about this?? "That old thing needed to be fixed anyway" or something.
I remember looking through closet & packing clothes? Minimal. Feelings of "you're homeless now so focus on bare essentials."

Up at 830
Took a while to wake up. Body so tired.
Laurie both scolding & encouraging me to hurry

Therapy call
Basically we just reviewed our latest daily phone journals, to give her a snapshot of typical life lately.
Actually VERY enlightening because it revealed PATTERNS, especially with recurring struggles. So KEEP IT UP BROSKI
Mentioned, hesitantly, our "using prayer to fill the obsessive void left by the ending of daily trauma."
SHE ACTUALLY RECCOMMENDED HERESY. WTF MA'AM.
Basically, "You don't have to believe everything the Catholic religion says, in order to be Catholic. Nothing in the Bible says you have to follow all the rules."
I BEG YOUR PARDON HAVE YOU READ THE BIBLE?? OR A DICTIONARY??? THAT'S THE LITERAL ANTITHESIS OF RELIGION.

Brain a mess afterwards
Did about 15m of journal cleanup, lots to do yet
IRELAND MASS!
The sweetest old priest, God bless him
SO SO SO HAPPY that we found a daily live Mass website FOR THE UK.

ACV spill from hurrying, so unexpected laundry
Fit schedule perfectly though
Lynne, Julie, Wreckage ALL "giving orders" to help out. Laurie was actually very happy about this
"We SHOULD all be working TOGETHER to take care of the Core; it shouldn't just be my job"
Emphasizing special roles WITHIN larger roles. Uniqueness within a community.

"Our brain is just carrots right now"

Bible plan:
Laurie "why is asking for forgiveness so hard?"
Mimic "because its opening up a wound"

VERY hopeful & consoling commentary on HOLY FEMININITY from Saint John Chrysostom. Very relevant to our situation actually. Definitely reflect on this.

UPMC TRANSCRIPTION!
Honestly I think I'm doing more praying by reading the Faith Filled language of these then when I'm mechanically and robotically reciting prayer cards.
Does this count? Can I offer this up as an act of worship?

Notes for dream last night.
(speech to text on phone)

We were at some sort of county fair but there were a ton of Bible study groups going on.
There was also a lot of food being sold for some reason.
I remember at one point a huge cart went by, full of dead deer carcasses, that had been shot. As it passed, I could clearly smell blood on them, like raw meat.
Almost immediately, I felt this triggering out Razor? I felt the pull in any case, but I knew it would be dangerous if she fronted so dissociation kicked in and i rushed out of the area i think? i remember feeling scared more on her behalf than mine, like it wouldn't be safe for her to be out around a crowd.
So right after that, we went to An Isle in the back and there were selling bags of carrots, And there were some that were literally about 4 inches wide. Huge things. So we grabbed the 2 bags and of course we were teasing Julie about the "lunker carrots"

The most important part of The dream was at the beginning and at the end.

At the beginning of the dream, I remember our dad was supposed to pick us up and drive us somewhere? But I think it was on a plane? I remember flying over the valley and seeing all these huge storm clouds.
But we got up the Homestead at one point and we had no socks? we were on the porch; jewel was looking for her phone. Yes Jewel.  And she Flat-out declared to the boys-- who of course were all kids-- "I think I left my phone with dad; I'm gonna go fly over and get it." And she was literally about to dream-fly outside. And something stopped her. I wish it hadn't, because her sense of absolute freedom and confidence was amazing.

The next important part is at the end of the dream.
Again, I know we are at the 'county fair' and I don't know who was fronting but we were Talking to this super cute Jewish girl. I remember she was wearing all pink. She was asking us why Christian families don't even teach the kids about anitsemitism. I said I didn't know, and unfortunately the community I grew up in didn't even tell me that it existed; I had to painfully find out that myself as an adult. She got really sad and started to read something on her phone, and went non-speaking. I recognize the behavior. And so I didn't even touch her or try to physically comfort her; I knew that would be triggering. So I gently asked her, "would you like me to leave you to yourself now?" she nodded yes.
So we got up to walk away but??  We were stuck behind all these crowds. People at stands were there, there was jewelry and makeup and really silly stuff.
And we were in a hurry for some reason so we tried to fly over Them? But we tripped somehow; they were moving too much. We fell on the ground and people were yelling at us and we felt really Disturbed and scared and-- lo and behold. Who came out full force fronting but RAZOR.
I need to note, she actually talked for like several minutes as we walked away. She was trying to justify herself I think to  People? that she wasn't dangerous. because I think they were freaking out that she was an alter.
I very clearly remember how clear her voice was, and her overlay and vibe. I also remember her explicitly saying how she used to be violent Because she hadn't learned what empathy was at the beginning. She didn't understand other people had feelings or felt pain. But then she said, when she realized that they did, And notably that Hurting people also hurt the hearts of People who cared about her victims, She stopped being violent Because now she cared about All of them too.

We reached a stairwell or something, I forget what, and then Razor switched out hard. The whole body shook and we were so confused; there was a huge gap of fronting memory loss. Then this super cute girl rushed over to help us and I remember how flustered we were. we said she was the cutest thing we'd ever seen. I remember she was wearing all blue.
Other than our mother and astra Showed up? They told us we had to stay at this fair until after 5 PM. they were trying to force us to eat fair food and also Do something with presenting someone else's craft? It was a metal Christmas tree sculpture of Sorts. We said no, we didn't know who was the person who made it, let alone what to say on their behalf or how. And we gave it back to her at the ticket booth. We weren't going to stay until five. I clearly remember us spitting out some food she forced on us, she gave us some sort of fried meat, it was disgusting

Now here was the best part. We somehow ended up going back to the stairwell; I think we were running away from mom.  But Razor switched back out and was running up them, But even she wasn't fast enough and then who switched out but MEWTWO???  And she said, "I could fly up the stairwell, straight up the middle!" and she did. Was amazing with that her fronting actually seemed to take over the whole body and give her her powers.
We made it to the roof and the sky was still as cloudy as it was in the dream, Purple and red stormy looking like a klonoa boss battle. And there was some sort of huge Canyon behind Where this fair building is. And some sort of giant spider robot creature there?  A final boss.
So we had to fight this thing in the body BY fronting. Because that was giving us powers this time, which is amazing. Razor and Mewtwo were out again, and so were Laurie, Lynne, and Leon and Julie. They all had their weapons and defeated that thing. It was amazing feeling everyone move through.

That's all I remember but it was so notable I had to take notes as soon as I woke up

 
Another hell night
3am Tumblr

Good fruit sermons
CRUSADE & JOPHAEL fronting
Many Unidentified religious foni in general. Pay attention

Aldi shop, Laurie helping
Spotify system anthems

Golden rule reflection

Bible study:
"What work can you do to be pleasing to God? The only work you can do is just believe in Jesus." = WITHOUT Christ, all the good works we do as humans are HUMAN WORKS, done for our own honor & earthly benefits, EVEN IF they are virtuous! It is ONLY through believing IN CHRIST that those works, THROUGH HIM, become WORKS OF GOD!!!
"What Sign will You give that You are from God" = "THE EUCHARIST"
The "food" of God is a PERSON= HE WHO IS LIFE HIMSELF
"Labor not for FOOD" in regards to EVERYTHING we pursue in life; fascinating generalisation = food is a SYMBOLIC REALITY??? BOTH BODY AND SPIRIT NEED "FOOD". Explains the "sex" analogy= ALL food is GIVING OF ONE LIFE INTO ANOTHER; it is TWO BECOMING ONE THROUGH THE SACRIFICIAL GIFT OF ONE??? Properly so. But we experience food too often as RAPE.
THIS NEEDS TO BE HEALED FOR GOD'S LITERAL SAKE

Hunger & thirst occur why? Because food fuel is used up & exhausted. It doesn't last. NOT SO WITH CHRIST!!!

BREAD OF LIFE = GAIN spiritual life by EATING spiritual Life itself; did not have before, only carnal life. So that's the ONLY WAY IN. Had to eat physically FIRST to "unlock" higher means AND upgrade lower ones, basically

"Noone can come to Me unless the Father draws him to Me" = but God DOES DRAW EVERYONE!!! Everything true & beautiful in life points to CHRIST as its ORIGIN & PERFECTION. If our hearts are open to seeing that in Him, we will come to Him. BUT if we close our hearts to God-- by CHOICE, cynical and sickly learned; no child does this-- then we deafen ourselves to His call. But GOD CALLS EVERY SOUL, as His Own Unique Creature!!!!
The core point: YOU CANNOT BE DRAWN TO EITHER CHRIST OR THE FATHER WITHOUT LOVE IN YOUR HEART!!!!!!!!

Healing service with that local hermit, church was PACKED
Confession line talk: CHAOS & LAURIE
Then me, Laurie, Julie, Overwhelm & Overload, Lynne
penance: ROMANS 8. THE ENTIRE THING.

Sudden realization that Waldorf has RED EYES because she is LINKED TO THE JEWELS!!!!
Wondering if she can BRING ARTIFACTS OUT OF LINKWORLDS??? Remember how she used to "morph" with EACH NEW STRING!!!

Amazing sermon
Glove touch FOREHEAD BUZZ

Home at 8pm DUDE WHAT
Jewel "burning off" social overwhelm
Wreckage "read the memo"
We're all blurring too much
Xennie "If you're thinking about me, then you think something really loud, I hear It"
Leon noticing his old anchor is still being triggered; bravely moved into semifronting to feel it out = for him, it was based more on the RISK HIGH of winning, that RUSH OF SURVIVAL!! Like his LIFE DEPENDED ON "WINNING". Proving he could do it and survive. That's VITAL DATA.
Also when he moved near that anchor his COLOR STILL SHIFTS BLUE!!!


CORPUS VS NOUS
Need MULTIPLE "COR(E)S"

...

Today... we were running on barely 3 HOURS OF SLEEP X______X
I stayed up until like...430 am archiving, trying to feel alive, staving off the existential emptiness. Laurie kept telling me to get to sleep, angrily at first, then resigned as she realized my state of mind.
It scares me. She's so tired anymore. She feels lost, just like me. I think we all are, deep down.

As to why we only got 3 hours of sleep even so:
Our mother called around 8am which woke us up, with a boatload of plans for the day concerning helping our poor sis get situated in her current homeless crisis. I cannot remember the details right now, but basically it was so much we just stayed awake. I think the bottom line was that she'd need the car we were using.
Oh wait, now I remember. Yes she'd need the car, but we also needed to pick her up from someplace, and give her food and water because she had none? Of course we were 100% on board, we were just exhausted.
So we got in the car ASAP, since we were totally out of carrots, and decided to just go to Wegmans before church to get not only those, but Larabars for Jade as we remember that used to be the only thing she ate (food idiosyncrasies and disorders really run in our family). Problem is we only had $20 left, and even that was taken out of savings. Nevertheless! No complaints when it's for the fam! Honestly if we could have spent another $20 on her we would have.
So we got 4 Larabars, 6 bananas, and a huge bottle of Aquafina (plus two bags of carrots to get us through to June) and ran back home to make Mass.
 
Again, we have almost no recall of this. I do remember the priest saying it was Saint Rita's feast day, which meant a lot to us, because she's one of our patron Saints-- notably because of her deep association with the Crown of Thorns we love so much (and her unique suffering with it). It felt... very reassuring and relevant, today, with our mental suffering being a share in that, and her memory a reminder that EVEN THAT was working towards God's Good Purposes if we consciously united it to the Crown, so to speak. Whenever we link our pains to Christ's they become redemptive. It's a great mystery but it's a great honor and we have deep faith in it, sometimes only desperately so, but it's real, and we take solid refuge in that.

At some point I ended up praying with Lynne. I don't know why, maybe we were just that dissociated from fatigue. We weren't co-fronting; I was upstairs with her, in that "cockpit" place between Central and the brain (Phlegmoni you know where that is, haha). I clearly remember-- moreso than virtually anything else today, actually-- tiredly but happily leaning against her left shoulder, and that beautiful autumn orange of her heavy curled hair taking up my vision. It seemed slightly shimmery, almost fluid, very lovely. It looked like the wood of a violin, which struck my heart with affection and wonder both, because she always seems to "default" back to that darker Orange, not the tangerine-bright "hearthue" that it is defined as in the Light Spectrum? We really need to spend more time inside, feel out our mechanics now, in light of all the resets, pun intended perhaps... but even so, in that moment, seeing that familiar color on this beloved friend, with the soft church lights behind her like a concert stage, softly sparkling through her hair, it... I felt very real, and so did she. Everything was right, in that moment. It meant a lot.
I remember also just putting my nose in her hair and taking a deep breath, getting the scent of it-- the subconscious expects a "human" scent like shampoo or something, but nope! Lynne's hair smells like violin rosin and it's LOVELY.
She laughed at this spontaneous action of mine, but with equal fondness, asking what I was doing. I vaguely remembered a long time ago when her vibe smelled like "peach pie filling" and wondered if it differed with mood, or with the still-shifting nature of the Orange hue she held by choice now. Either way I responded with simple fact, I just wanted to know what her hair smelled like. I think she caught the deeper motivation-- I just wanted to cherish the reality of you, uniquely you, in this small precious moment-- because she smiled at me so warmly, it meant so much to see.

After church we went to the local motel to pick up Jade, see I told you we'd remember. We were listening to "Everything Everything" on the drive up because God knows why we love that band so much, but we tend to default to it when we're feeling emotions that are automatically suppressed-- anything stressful or "spiky" or "amped up." We still get that automated "flattened effect" when in "meet the crisis" mode, but if it doesn't vent we WILL explode into manic self-destruction later on, it seems. It's VERY different from stress turning into mania on our own; when OTHER people are involved and counting on us, everything turns into BUSINESS, and so ALL emotions privately are stamped down flat, BUT our public persona becomes THAT FRIENDLY GUY. Really we have no idea who the heck fronts for this. We think it's Jack, maybe. He's the only corpufoni with a matching vibe, and the fronter sure isn't female. Still... memory is shot. If he's the one talking, we still don't remember. It's all a blur; body memory typically is.
Regardless! We do have snapshots:
-pulling into the motel lot as we turned down the volume on "the wheel (is turning now)"-- which is our FAVORITE TRACK off that album it's BOSS-- so the management wouldn't think we were completely insane, haha
-jade coming out to the car and us turning around to look at her for the first time in like... over half a year.


And to finish our initial thought of that paragraph-- Everything Everything is our go-to band for red emotions because the music is red. It's purely cathartic. It's probably why deep down I love Scalpel so much; he, and the music that shaped him, and the bleeding fire in our sobbing heart that it voices, are honestly the only outlet for it. Razor used to be. Cannon used to be. You know the drill. But Scalpel, somehow, overshot the violence and just became this ideal Red holder, what Javier attempted to be and failed disastrously by over-intellectualizing and forcing it. Not so with our progpop metalteeth undercut man, haha. Gosh I do love him though, he's such a blessing. He is practically the personification of Everything Everything's music, from the first album to the latest. He holds it all, as it's all Red-- all the brightness, all the blood; all the anger and pain and hope and life. Red is all about that creative force, about what animates an artists pen and a musician's hands, about that absolute deep kernel of fire in their heart as engine for it all. That's RED.
Deep down I hope to God that I'm still that color, too. I've been holding onto that tiny spark since God spoke it to me recently, a return to the time before the Jays went blind and froze everything over. They didn't mean to, but it happened. I don't think any Nousfoni could survive for long holding that pure superhue. White is everything. Isn't that just supposed to be God?
Deep down it would be so humbling to just be Red, instead of White-- to no longer be the captain of the ship, no longer the "core" of things, no longer the one calling the shots, if I ever was. But... just to be a Heart, again. Just red. That's it. I wonder if that's where we're going.

Another thought.
Back right when the Core was changing from Red to White, back in 2009, is when we found FROST*.
They matched our heart and soul EXACTLY back then. I clearly remember Cannon listening to Milliontown all the way through for the first time, walking in loops in that dark living room in the early morning hours, and sobbing. It was everything to us, in that first hour. It was a spiritual experience, full-stop, and it cut deep down into our heart forever.
I... I haven't listened to FROST* in a while, not with such singular focus. I still let Black Light Machine play every time it comes up on shuffle, true, but... our identity has been such a shambles that "I" don't feel that original resonance, because I don't feel "I" to begin with. It's all a tangle, but that makes it a perfect starting point to start unraveling, to gently but deftly work out the knots into one all-connecting thread. Something like that.
In any case, revisit this music topic later. It's important.


BK Bible study: 1 Corinthians 3:10-17 is SUPER RELEVANT.
Our System is indeed being "torn down and rebuilt," and I've been told SEVERAL TIMES by God that it's in order to actually give it a proper foundation, at long last. And that foundation NEEDS to be Christ-- the LIGHT Himself, that PURE WHITE beam of love that HOLDS ALL COLOR WITHIN IT. We've been suspecting that our Spectrum needs to anchor into our faith for about a year now, if not longer-- I remember one of us wrote about that during the Calyrex "miniera" in the hospital-- but nothing ever took hold, because no Core ever worked at it. Well, now's the time, and unless I get moving on it, I'm afraid we'll just... collapse into dust. So I MUST man up and work at this vital responsibility.
And on that note... we'll just be building on the new foundation, that which is Jesus, Who IS Light, and Love, with His Sacred Heart pierced and bleeding blood and water... honestly why haven't we centered our soul on Him as THE absolute core before? Since childhood we've felt the need for it, but... it was never a conscious decision. Maybe we weren't mature enough spiritually to do so, or even realize it, until now, after so much.
Anyway. That verse is what struck me, verse 12. The foundation is one thing, but we need to build the house on it next-- to rebuild what was destroyed in the massacre, and in the system failure, and in the Scratch, and in every other killscreen egocide attempt. We need to do that. We're all living in ruins. But... what do we build with? Do we use straw and hay, do we use wood, do we use flakeboard and plastic, do we use cinderblocks and cement, or do we use gold and silver? Do we use precious stones? Do we build on that blessed foundation with jewels? Because one day, God's going to hit us with a tidal wave of FIRE and everything is going to BURN. Holiness does that-- it incinerates everything that's not itself.
That... means a lot to me, as brazen as that sounds. God knows he put that deep love of both fire and gems in my heart. He has called me to be a reflection of both, in whatever small way He allows me, but I cannot deny or escape the call.
We, together, all of us, are God's temple. We cannot let it be destroyed anymore, and we cannot destroy it ourselves, either by negligence or violence.
We are... the Holy Spirit, the Love of God, the third Person of the Blessed Trinity, lives in us.
Part of us still can't let go of that gutwrenching horror of 2010 or so when we were told "you don't actually have the Holy Spirit!" by two kids that ended up spiritually brainwashing us whether they realized it or not. We were such a sorry mess back then; we had no direction and followed every gilded carrot that was dangled in front of us. But that line burned into our brain. It's still our biggest fear. And yet... there it is, in the Bible, that beautiful amazing affirmative. Maybe we are still spiritual children, in a very real way. Maybe we are still struggling greatly to understand and learn and behave as true Christians. But God knows we're trying, and He's helping us, and His Spirit LIVES IN US. Not "might," not "maybe," nothing of the sort. We are God's field, we are God's building, and the Spirit of God lives in you, and the temple of God is holy, and you are that temple.
There's a lot I could type about that, but right now I just want to let those words speak for themselves, and sink in deeper than any old fears ever could.


...Unfortunately, there's only one thing I can remember for the evening. 
We had a HORRIBLE LEGIT BINGEPURGE.
I can't remember much of it and I don't want to.
But someone actually DROVE TO THE STORE to buy three small items SPECIFICALLY to binge on. That hasn't happened since BEFORE THE HOSPITAL, as far as we're aware. So it was terrifying.
Thank God it still only lasted less than an hour. Good Lord it used to last like 9 HOURS. How did we survive that hell? God's mercy, that's all. Total undeserved staggering mercy.
Haha, "Regret" is playing on shuffle as I type that. "Did you ever watch your life slide out of your hands? ...Did you ever think that everything, everything would change?" et cetera. ALL of the lyrics are so perfectly relevant to our life, honestly. See I told you this band speaks from our heart so much it's scary, haha. Totally unexpectedly, too, but there it is.
Even so. That cursed bingepurge messed us up. Yeah, we recover super fast now, but we still get the twitchy muscles and dehydration symptoms for about a day afterwards, and our poor body is crushed in any case. All that terrified vomiting will do that.
Anyway. Don't want to go into sick details. Suffice to say the entire time, headspace was-- as always, which is so disturbing-- shut out and muted, so the social-level girls who were forcing all this food could only talk to God, and all they were saying was "oh God please help me please make it stop make this stop please help me I can't stop" etc. They're SO SCARED. They're OUT OF CONTROL. They don't know why they do it and THEY DON'T WANT TO but. BUT. Here's the awful thing we realized today.
IT MUTES HEADSPACE.
THAT'S WHY IT GOT SO BAD IN CNC.
That realization slammed into us with a sick shock this evening. When the eating disorder starts up, the foni who are tied to it aren't in touch with innerspace, not unless it's forced, and as a result... bingepurge behavior is, first and foremost, a way of anaesthetizing our soul.
In CNC, we couldn't cope with what the System was experiencing, let alone admit it in the first place... so at night, when Socials and corrupted Cores were no longer running the show, and the empty quiet allowed damaged people to finally show up and talk... well, we couldn't survive with that awareness. So we just shut everything down with the food. But it was violent. It was a form of self-murder. It wasn't fun, it wasn't wanted, it was all a compulsive panicked furious desperate suicidal paroxysm that was, deep down, an exaggerated and brutal symbolic re-living of what, at the very roots, we felt living in that situation. No details, I'm tired. Can't look at that anyway. Can't trust the screaming memory on its own to get the full picture, even the side that was duped. Can't type about that at all until we finally get to the 2017 archives, what we have left.
Anyway. Same thing today. For some reason, probably the family stress and lack of sleep and inability to cope with "downtime" and body sensations during that would bring up God knows what... well, we couldn't cope and so the binge happened to REDIRECT THAT SELF-ABUSIVE PANIC into physical action. If you can't cut, you can throw up. Sick, but true.
We still retributed, though. Oh yes, IT'S BACK. Razor has decided on it, Algorith immediately jumped on board, Knife has given passive allowance but he won't act directly to do it for fear of his own dormant shadows I think. They come up like lightning flashes here and there, and it disturbs him. We all have unhealed wounds.
But every bingepurge gets an "X" on the arm. Not a grave, no knives, no digging out corruption. Now instead of hackers, we're fighting hijackers. Their work is different, but still pernicious. The hackers tried to kill our soul, but the hijackers are LITERALLY killing our body. So we're marking each fight.
Found out we're still allergic to any bandages that are antibacterial or foamy or plastic, haha. Took the skin right off our arm. Ah well. I remember someone pointedly cleaning that up, not even flinching. Maybe it was Razor. But... God, it felt so right, with everyone around again. How strange.

One last vital note, something I realized as the bingepurge began and we were all fighting and shouting at the bodygirls to stop before headspace was clipped quiet like a turned-off TV.
Laurie is SPLINTERING.
She's... talking to herself, almost? Like you can FEEL and almost SEE her entire attitude and perspective shifting in herself, from PURPLE TO VIOLET, from brutal bloody justice to the soft bandaged wounds of mercy. She's both, but she's too polarized, and it's killing her.
God please don't let her die, not like this, please, I can't lose her, I can't lose her too.


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Also TYPE ABOUT ALL OF THIS AS SOON AS YOU GET THE TIME:

"People would never have known their sin adequately had it not been for Christ. Paul could face his enemies and, speaking from a human standpoint, say, "I know nothing against myself" (1 Corinthians 4:4); but, when he contemplated the work of Jesus on the cross, he had a far different estimate of himself, saying, "Jesus came to save sinners ... of whom I am chief!" (1 Timothy 1:15). Every person who brings his heart to Christ will find it bleeding from a consciousness of sin; and this effective work of revealing man's sin constitutes a step in their redemption...
...He is the sin-bearer for all humanity...Only in Christ Jesus is there an effective de-contaminator for human transgression."
"Under the great Mormon organ in the Salt Lake City Tabernacle, a great pit was opened up to give the organ deeper tones. Similarly, people who have been scarred and burned in the ugly pits of sin are often more CONSCIOUS of God's grace than some who have led more conventional lives. Perhaps in this is explained why the publicans and harlots entered into the kingdom of heaven before the Pharisees. Sin is overruled to the benefit of those who truly love God by increasing their appreciation for God's holiness, and through the discipline of sorrows suffered because of sin."
"...How wonderful is the thought that God will remember sin no more, especially when people themselves are unable to forget it."

"Let not us hold that fast which the Lamb of God came to take away: for Christ will either take our sins away or take us away... Whatever God is pleased to take away from us, if [by doing so] he take away our sins, we have reason to be thankful, and no reason to complain."

"[Mary] turns to Him with beautiful faith in His power to help, even in the small present need... she is sure that to tell Him of trouble is enough, for that His own heart will impel Him to share, and perchance to relieve it. Let us tell Jesus our wants and leave Him to deal with them as He knows how."

"He protests against that faithless and wicked division of life into sacred and secular, which has wrought such harm both in the sacred and in the secular regions. So He protests against the notion that religion has to do with another world rather than with this. So He protests against the narrowing conception of His work which would remove from its influence anything that interests humanity. So He says, as it were, at the very beginning of His career, ‘I am a Man, and nothing that is human do I reckon foreign to Myself.’ Brethren! let us learn the lesson that all life is the region of His Kingdom; that the sphere of His rule is everything which a man can do or feel or think... Sanctity is not singularity. There is no need to withdraw from any region of human activity and human interest in order to develop the whitest saintliness, the most Christlike purity. The saint is to be in the world, but not of it; like the Master, who went straight from the wilderness and its temptations to the homely gladness of the rustic marriage."


"The Christ who transforms the water of earthly gladness into the wine of heavenly blessedness, can do the same thing for the bitter waters of sorrow, and can make them the occasions of solemn joy. When the leaves drop we see through the bare branches. Shivering and cold they may look, but we see the stars beyond, and that is better. ‘This beginning of miracles’ will Jesus repeat in every sad heart that trusts itself to Him."

trying to update. rough but honest.


Mom call woke up
Made us super dissociated & nervous
Tried to kitchen prep a bit
Jay talking to Wreckage
Brought up Ashen somehow? Wrex: "I love her. I want her to be safe & happy at last"

Church OLOMC & OOSJ.
So dissociated & anxious about thought of going up house.
Shaking, couldn't focus, wanted to vomit
OVERLOAD & "OUTRAGE" BOTH TRIGGERED IN QUICK SUCCESSION & WE FELT THE DIFFERENCE!!!
ALSO A DIRECTIONAL DIFFERENCE????

"Akessa" the "listen & nod" girl. Mute?
DIFFERENT from the "smalltalk" female social
JACK out a lot? Surprisingly he has ROOTS to his selfhood, notable for a blepofoni

Chickened out & texted mom about fears
This triggered someone out SWEARING & CURSING "us" for being "chickenshit cowards" and telling us to "man the fck up"
JAY FRONTED TO DEFEND THE DAMAGED KIDS. "If they're scared they have a good reason to be AND they're warning us NOT TO GO BACK and make things worse."
Jay able to front a bit after that?
Overlay sliding between boyish redwhite look & "Father Nier" aged & rougher, but with HEART ON CHEST OVERLAY???
Notable shift in "protection" aspect-- boyish NEEDS Laurie, adult protects OTHERS??? Good soldier mindset. "Fight the good fight of faith"
Interesting to see this shifting in real-time

Walmart stop with Genesis
Lost SO MUCH TIME but at least got our mind off the panic
Bantering a lot, lifted our spirits

Garbage bag stop for the mother
Genesis tunes on shuffle: someday soon, sunshine, rooney album.
of course he was singing. honestly lit my heart up so warmly. honestly we really love him so much, you can tell he's so bright because he loves us too, no matter how dark things are he is DETERMINED to be that firework in the night and he DOES it, bless him forever

Home for 2
Adelaide & Julie still working together
my current song obsession: "everybody's going to die one day"
Leon unable to front due to dissociation???
Scalpel trying to laugh & smile BUT "the mouth doesn't match mine"
Julie commented about body bust size, "if you get dysphoria from these tiny things, be glad you don't have MY body." Disconcerting for her NOT to have them. Surprisingly Lynne ALSO DOESN'T? She said even our body's were too big. Surprised at how androgynous her shape is despite her femme appearance.

Sharona "Jezebel bloodline" further thoughts; " It's what I started as but I never want to go back to being that-- so if I am supposed to hold it then I will change it"

Mimic commenting about paidifoni fear & telling them "don't be afraid" negatively? Shaming & punishing for being scared. Said this teaches them to not only numb themselves to danger, but also to be NUMB TOWARDS OTHERS WHO ARE AFRAID, ultimately discarding their right to safety & protection because it’s "immature" or "cowardly." Etc. Paused and then said "yeah you all know I'm just talking about myself here"

Amazing daily devotionals today

Want to exercise but need to eat. Julie Mimic and Laurie pushed us to do 50 crunches at least & a few tricep dips.
Need to be aware of our joint & back trouble.

FINALLY BK AT 315

Ask God for wisdom & He will give freely & without judgment-- LAURIE REFLECTS THIS
"God ENJOYS giving to all people who ask Him"
⭐"WISDOM IS RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS!!" WISDOM COMES FROM PERSONALLY KNOWING & LOVING THE HEART OF CHRIST-- HE WHO IS INCARNATE WISDOM-- AND NOT FROM LISTS & ROTE KNOWLEDGE.
Wisdom is a FEMININE virtue in this regard!!! Knowledge is MASCULINE. And remember, BOTH ARE REQUIRED TOGETHER!!! They complete, enable, enrich each other.
Thinking of Moralimon with this too, esp. "Cultivate wisdom"

Went to moms house for 6pm
Stayed until 8 helping her with sales
Astra still en route!

DN at 9pm oh my goodness

JAY'S PROBLEM WAS THAT HE TRIED TO BE LIGHT ITSELF, INSTEAD OF THE PRISM IT RUNS THROUGH!!!
God bless Alexander MacLaren as always:
"...a lamp must be lit by contact with a light, and must be fed with oil, if its flame is to be sustained. And so the very metaphor-whatever the force of the ambiguous word-in its eloquent contrast between the Light and the lamp, suggests this thought, that the one is underived, self-fed, and therefore undying, and that the other owes all its flame to the touch of that uncreated Light, and burns brightly only on condition of its keeping up the contact with Him, and being fed continually from His stores of radiance."
"For the Christian to be touched with Christ’s Promethean finger is to flame into light. And the condition of continuing to shine is to continue the contact which first illuminated. A break in the contact, of a finger’s breadth, is as effectual as one of a mile. Let Christian men and women, if they would shine, remember, ‘Ye are light in the Lord’; and if we stray, and get without the circle of the Light, we pass into darkness, and ourselves cease to shine."
"So, brethren, when lamps are quenched, let us look to the Light. When our own lives are darkened because our household light is taken from its candlestick, let us lift up our hearts and hopes to Him that abideth for ever. Do not let us fall into the folly, and commit the sin, of putting our heart’s affections, our spirit’s trust, upon any that can pass and that must change. We need a Person whom we can clasp, and who never will glide from our hold. We need a Light uncreated, self-fed, eternal. ‘Whilst ye have the Light, believe in the Light, that ye may be the children of light.'"
 
...

so tired cleaning up for the night.
helped so much by wreckage still being reliable with her job. she still gives xennie extra food because she admittedly has a huge soft spot for the children, and "wants to give them the world" basically. every little extra act of kindness is allowed and encouraged in her eyes. man she is such a sweetheart i love her


adelaide doing such honest work trying to take care of the body.
the instant she steps out the "EMPTY GIRLS" step in and basically objectify/ dehumanize themselves and us
so addie being there is VITAL.


seeing shirley, sirius, and penny talking to her. "we need intercessors." remembering the data trio, but they were dead, their essences were upcycled into this new trio. felt deep sadness in their hearts at this still.
some talk about the "chains" on penny's wrists? felt imposed. jewel spoke up from wherever-- like she likes to do-- saying they were "residual" from the sandman comic memories, they weren't an inherent part of her.
also penny ONLY looks similar to cannon & razor because SHE HOLDS MEMORIES FROM THEIR ERA, the sort of "hidden data" that the other two can't actively reach.
but her hair is DIFFERENT. it's the literal color of a penny, and swoops forward a bit at the bottom? very streamlined. not messy at all.

prayer hour "be a good soldier"


practically BEGGING jesus to "bring infi back" if it was his will. like if there was any chance then PLEASE.
the loss hit so hard, i was reeling, universe collapsed beneath my feet. couldn't cope.
jesus hugging me tight, pained expression, he knew how much this hurt, he wasn't ignoring or handwaving it away. he felt this grief too.
BUT he reminded me "INFI WANTED TO DIE." because ze couldn't stand being a sinkhole of trauma residue anymore. that era needed to collapse, to reset, and infi knew everything was hinging on hir.
and honestly... try to look at those trauma memories NOW.
try to look at the WORST ONE.
it's VOID.
it's just vague data now. the first-person existential horror is GONE. infi took it with hir.
...
dear lord what a sacrifice of love
i could weep for weeks over that fact alone
but jesus reminded me of this. infi HAD to die for our sakes, and ze WANTED to.
now things CAN shift and reset, things CAN get a NEW FOUNDATION, the spectrum can UPDATE AGAIN FINALLY.
nevertheless, if infi ever did or could come back... ze could NOT come back as "infi."
that name, that history, that past, IS DEAD, and MUST STAY DEAD.
it's gutwrenching but it's true.
i think the same thing is happening to me, on some level.
"don't leave it all behind," jesus immediately warns. don't trash the love. don't abandon your loved ones.
there are things that need to die, yes, but remember the resurrection.
remember the resurrection.


archiving and listening to vaporwave
cannot wait to sit and read through all of this in order when it's done, that's going to be lifechanging