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[prismaticbleed]

HAPPY SUNDAY IT'S 230PM BREAKFAST TIME 😂
Seriously though i don't mind. I'm used to fasting thanks to God's training. Remember yesterday's VOTD about discipline!
Today had been gorgeous, and I thank God for that too.

Dream with grandma wanting "chicken pancakes". So realistic that as soon as I woke up I googled recipes for it haha.
But... honestly I think I've been dreaming about her every night for weeks now. It wasn't like this last year. And... it's so strange. In our dreams, we're always at the homestead, but the era is very starkly different: either we are a child, around age 6-7, or we are in 2021-2022, when she was in home hospice. In both cases she is still bedridden, but she's... not dying? She's not in pain. We're still taking care of her in the dreams, but she is smiling and talking and lucid; it's not like the last days actually were, when her awareness of both self and space was visibly deteriorating from the cancer.
...It feels like God is giving me a "second chance." We weren't conscious for the entire time grandma was ill; we were still "dead" post-CNC, and God only knows who was fronting. So memory only starts to pick up in late 2021, I think? Whenever we started listening to Larnelle Harris and hanging clothes on the porch at night with WVIA jazz playing in the background. They're very broken memories, like looking through someone else's brain from behind, but they're real flashes. Nevertheless, they are very sparse.
But... the point is this. We didn't get to care for her. We weren't ABLE to care for her; we were addicted and abusive and absolutely incapable of doing good for anyone. We didn't even wake up until half a year after she died. And... now, suddenly, when we ARE aware and conscious and SANE for the first time in freakin' YEARS... God is giving us these dreams. We're able to see her, even though we don't "remember" her. It's so strange. We see snippets of childhood, and that house, and it's like photographs that we only saw once suddenly come to life.
But we're grateful. Whether or not we actually remember our body's chronological history, it happened, and it affects us whether we realize it or not. So God giving us these nighttime "visits" is a real grace.

 
Beautiful post-rain winter sky upon waking, like a big silver fluffy blanket. It was shockingly lovely to see. I lay there with CZ for a bit and just looked at it.

Needed TWO glucose at church today, but didn't feel super sick, just cold & so lightheaded the room was wobbly and my sense of proprioception was failing, haha. That happens when the glucose drops!

CCD kids stopped in between Masses! Impressed and deeply humbled by how simply yet piously Maryann P teaches them the basics. I have a lot to learn, and a lot of foolish pride to lose, if I ever want to teach children too.

MARVELOUS HOMILY. "Choose carefully!!" Fr. P gets SO ZEALOUS i love it so much. He is on fire for the faith.
Basilica broadcast had a good homily too! Tied all three readings together!

HOMESTEAD SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN. IT'S ALL AUTUMN LEAVES.
I absolutely NEED to go up there one day to help work & soak it all in.
Nabbed a pear!

Jade crying over Pepper still missing.
Had a good honest human talk today though. No zany stuff.

1234 on microwave activated Audrey's radio, haha
Did I mention we CAN see her, roughly? I need to make an avatar for her. But she's BRIGHT ORANGE. She has short hair, is a bit chubby, and she always wears big over-ear headphones. She's young, too, maybe only 13. She doesn't talk much, she communicates through music or gestures mainly; when she does talk it's quiet & brief but notably aware & intelligent for her age. She's so sweet, though. We all like her a lot.

"Laurie-analogous" protector slots for EACH color???
Spice thinking about this
Discriminating her function from both Lynne & Adelaide despite close colors

None hour prayers about loving God. "I love You, Lord, my strength, my protection, my Savior," etc. Hit me that I still don't have that personal and close a relationship with Jesus. I'm still both too scared, and too self-dependent??? Which is ironic as I am totally helpless and stupid and I KNOW it. But its learned instinct from childhood. I need to unlearn it. Even better, I need to have a "NEW CHILDHOOD" IN CHRIST!!!

Etymology bliss= learning "claudere" root words!
Honestly when I learn more about the "skeletons" of language it's like a whole new world opens up. I can recognize the bits and pieces in common words all of a sudden, and even guess the meanings of new ones. It's such a wonderful feeling. I get that too when I can properly read Greek or Hebrew letters, which I am getting better at but very slowly, as I'm not actively studying right now due to all my time being dedicated to Scripture study outright. Nevertheless, it involves both languages inevitably, so I'm still getting some knowledge here and there. I treasure it.

We contacted YouVersion help finally. Apparently there are a LOT of known unresolved bugs, so thank God for telling us to be patient and Compassionate and not quit in a snit.
On that note it paid off already-- today we VERY SUDDENLY got back TONS OF PRAYERS that have been assumed deleted for MONTHS??? So hopefully they're NOT all gone, just glitched. Thank You God, and please forgive our stupid impatience. Thank You for not giving up on us; help us to never give up on others, either.

Think8:7 KVOTD intro actually made me laugh out loud. I always enjoy their vids, them and Word of Life.

Evening =

Family donated food. Uncontrollable panic.
Destructive binge.

I am so sick and so scared.
All I want is Jesus.