the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

TRAUMA NIGHTMARES. literally the worst they could possibly be.
Violent lesbian rape, forced feeding & terrified vomiting, family hatred & verbal abuse, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, and missing Mass on top of it all.
Bizarrely, at the very end, we were FINALLY leaving the family house (where ALL THAT HELL HAPPENED), and it began to snow?? And JEWEL FRONTED. She was "Sonic-skating" on the snowy road like it was a skaterail, and when she got to the crest of the hill (which is MUCH steeper & longer in dreams, like low airplane height even), Mewtwo was flying above her (below the sky ceiling, which was STILL THERE) and she asked him(!) to "fly her down" to the city, where we live? And he did, although he complained at first, but by the drop-off they were interacting clearly as good friends.
So... yeah. That extreme juxtaposition of events & moods says a LOT about our subconscious experience of both places.

Had to go to church, needed the consolation, after such a hell night
BUT THERE WAS NO CHURCH??
We decided to stay anyway, and went upstairs to pray before the Tabernacle... and ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS WERE ON IN THE DARK.
It was so stunningly beautiful it felt like a dream. Pun intended, perhaps. But that's why God brought us here, despite the nightmares, despite no Mass. This was such a profound consolation, this beauty in the dark, the Baby in the manger shining brightest of all. This was a clear, visible, tangible reminder of what Christmas was really about... and a reassurance that yes, it did apply to me, too.

Got home for 830.
Laundry day since we actually had time & we had THREE LOADS TO DO

Knock shrine online mass
Intrusive hateful thoughts (ego dystonic!!!) are SO LOUD when we watch other people??? Its SUPER DISTURBING.
We reject the thoughts actively, we refuse to entertain them, we recognize them as wrong and cruel and shockingly ugly, but THEY KEEP HAPPENING and they are INSISTENT. So its very distressing and we never know what to do. You can't really "resist them" when they're constantly shouting around your ears. We can't turn them off. But we can at least say, over and over, "no, I do not agree with that, I refuse to judge, what you are saying is evil, I have no part of it." Etc.
But we still have to confess this every week. It doesn't stop. It's as mentally exhausting as it is morally frightening. ARE we really THAT EVIL?? Why won't it stop? Why are we like this?

Likewise, we CANNOT STOP PANICKING ABOUT POSSIBLE SOCIAL INTERACTIONS, especially with neighbors like Paul who like to talk. Its not his fault. We just literally will screamcry, selfabuse and throw up if we talk too much to ANYONE. That, too, happens EVERY BLOODY TIME no matter how hard we try to "smile and wait it out" or "play the part patiently" or whatever. The family holidays were proof of our inability to stop the fatal consequences of overstimulation, as were the nightmares.
But we can at least AVOID going up the house. We cannot avoid the unpredictable encounter of a neighbor.
...
Social media is worse. I seriously want to delete our Facebook. I HATE that website, honestly I do. Maybe we should just junk it. We'd finally have peace.

Immediately after laundry, we bravely went to the candle shop for mom. (Waiting another day would put our anxiety through the roof, but going outdoors closer to noon has a very high risk of talkative social encounters)
Got her the Pumpkin Chai as it smells like tea & isn't oppressively sweet.
There's one thats "Tobacco & Oud" that we think we like? We're still trying to figure out what "we" ACTUALLY do like, as opposed to what is programming, what is imitation, and what is a foni giving their own opinion, haha. The latter instance is the only acceptable one.
But this won't solidify without a solid Core. That's inevitable.

OCD is only kicking in when we PRAY WITHOUT FELIX???
Also we're thinking he is GREEN, not yellow-- there may be a name spelling change to match. Yellow was blurring him with that rude humor guy with the goggles. Besides that color was only assumed because of name synaesthesia. But his VOICE is GREEN!!
In any case he has NO "body" yet, in innerspace. His case is unique-- for his role to work, he HAS TO BE AN ANDROID. He cannot be organic or it would MAKE HIM DANGEROUS, since his role is to SPEAK!!!
I'm wondering how this affects Algorith?? Especially with her original function roots, as one of the martial Retributors.

ADELAIDE IS SHIFTING PINK??? Like a powdery pink. She FEELS more stable moving that way.
Still, wondering about this concerning what Spice said about Browns the other day. But we can't deny that Addie was miserable?
I also think she seriously wants to work WITH Audrey, or Julie. She doesn't want to be alone with the somafoni.
Is this the first time a foni "rejected" a function assignment and Chose to move, and was ALLOWED to without dying??? Is that something ONLY Browns can do, because of their neutral nature???


While watching lectures =
If people cry or get choked up while talking TO ME, and ESPECIALLY if they are trying to smile or be dramatic, it makes me feel ANGRY & FRIGHTENED & CONFUSED. It feels like they're FORCING THEMSELVES ON ME. I don’t know why, but it does. It's like I'm cornered, towered over, helpless, and they are climbing on top of me.
...


Evening =
It's getting so hard to concentrate on anything, or retain any information input. I think our poor brain is fried.

Trying to relax on couch but as usual we WON'T LET OURSELVES RELAX. It's exhausting.

 

Hell morning again.
(Despite that, by the time we went to bed, we felt oddly content? Saying night prayers together as a System, in the quiet dark, we were able to see and treasure little points of light through the day, that completely overpowered the scary and difficult things that had happened. I just want to mention that. Julie and I especially really grew a lot closer today through all of it.)


Rosary thoughts=
We get feelings of anger we look at pictures of jesus or Mary that have blank Faces, Or that look so serene and unruffled no matter how much we're suffering. It doesn't feel right it feels almost spiteful, Like our childhood, We would cry for help but people would just smile at us and do nothing, not even sympathize.
This is why a suffering savior and a sorrowful mother are so important.

Also realizing where we get that same terror reaction looking at holy Pictures during the rosary especially with no music to distract our thoughts, It's a trauma response it's actually looking for every possible threat in the picture.

Dyspnea is returning suddenly?? Yesterday & today. No apparent triggers.
We haven't had it at ALL since May, so this is weird.

Adelaide's role is A NURSE! SHE'S NOT A SOCIAL; SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE "IN THE BODY" AS IDENTITY!! Her job is to "accompany" the body being seen as a "person in need," like an elder who needs such close care! She TAKES CARE OF IT DIRECTLY ALONGSIDE IT; she is "driving" but NOT "FRONTING."
This is why she was so angry for so long-- she was being FORCED INTO FRONTING ALONE and that anger was a NATURAL ANGER RESPONSE TO DISSONANCE!!

Church at SJE. Made it to confession... and the response was JARRING.
This is almost verbatim as it hit so hard=
"If that was all in one week, you have too much time on your hands." "You're making up sins." "Why are you doing [that strange sin]? You must have some reason for it." "You're doubting God's love? At Christmas?" "Do you think your sins are so powerful that even God can't forgive you?"
And again, "You really need a spiritual director."
Listen, I am DEEPLY GRATEFUL for such a "tell it to you straight" priest (very fitting that he was wearing purple), but I am still VERY CONFUSED?
...


Evening carrots & Bishop Barron
UNEXPECTED ABSOLUTE CHECKMATE TO THE THRISKEFONI????
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0Bc3QPnw4ioPZt9P8taAWn?si=bjPHH5-KQ8eJJX47tMWyLw
SERIOUSLY TYPE ABOUT THAT ASAP BECAUSE IT IS IMMENSELY IMPORTANT TO US


8pm JUAN DIEGO DOCUDRAMA WAS ON EWTN!!! That's the one that LITERALLY CHANGED OUR LIFE and made us love BOTH that Saint AND OUR LADY, when prior to that film we had been acridly averse towards BOTH.
We literally sat down on the bedroom rug, in the dark, and just watched it together as a System.
I remember Leon and Scalpel both being so moved by Juan Diego's humble sincerity and emotional purity.
...


Waiting for mom to show up & switch cars for Mass tomorrow. Very anxious about driving at this hour but our brain is numb. Too much at once.
Dreamwidth is down so we can't update or edit or review, and we're panicking about the possibility of losing the archives as a result. We NEED to back up our site uploads ASAP because that's the ONLY PLACE WE HAVE THEM SAVED RIGHT NOW.

Small night drive
CZs Playlist on shuffle, God gave us "Tidal Tempest" (a much needed fond memory rush) & a song by Nick Leng that I had never heard before, but that was so unexpectedly applicable to our life lately it ached.
I'm amazed that you wanted someone like me.



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Universalis today

"...the Lord is a God of judgement, and blessed are all who hope in him. There is first to be a conversion and a cry for help. Only after the Lord has given the bread of suffering will the grace be given. Repentance is necessary before the benefits can flow."
...

"The prophecy of Isaiah promises material plenty... Then in the gospel passage Jesus fulfils the prophetic promises by sending out the disciples urgently to proclaim the Good News of the Kingdom by curing the sick, cleansing the lepers and driving out demons. Is the gospel only a matter of material plenty, of prospering unreservedly and of avoiding unpleasant diseases, as so many [worldly evangelists] proclaim it? They gain followers of short duration in the hope of comfort and prosperity, until the crash comes. This is not the gospel proclaimed in Matthew’s Beatitudes: ‘blessed are the poor in spirit, the meek, the peacemakers, the persecuted’. The blessing of God is upon them, in the sense that the Hand of God hovers over them. This [proclamation by means of healing] is not the same as providing ‘the fat of the land’ of the TV ‘evangelists’ for the followers of Jesus. These actions of the disciples are the symbols of the conquest of evil and distress. In story after story Jesus’ Heart goes out to the unfortunate and distressed, to the despised and the outcast, and He insists that the judgment of His followers will be in accordance with their adherence to the same standards of [His] caring for the poor, the sick, and the afflicted. In the Beatitudes according to Luke this is even more obvious, for there it is ‘you who are hungry now’, ‘you who are weeping now’. But Jesus does not promise that they "will live on the fat of the land"– only that they will have their fill and will laugh. The joy of the followers of Jesus rests in the confidence and firmness of a relationship to God the Father and His Messiah."
Why am I pasting this whole thing? Because it's a daily battle I have to fight, with my family & this society & myself.
How does Jesus fulfill these promises of "plenty?"
1) He sends out His disciples. Already the focus shifts from "things" to "people."
2) He sends them to "proclaim the Good News of the Kingdom." This is the true wealth: the Kingship of God, Who IS our all in all, everything we need forever, our Provider and Father.
3) They proclaim this Kingdom BY HEALING PEOPLE. This shows that God HAS POWER OVER ALL DISEASES & DEVILS. Isn't that true riches? Without a healthy body, the richest man on earth benefits nothing from his wealth... and without a healthy soul, even a healthy body is useless & doomed to death. God is literally transcending all mortal priority & redefining in truth what "plenty" is to man.
4) Specifically, the disciples are to cure lepers & the possessed.
5) THIS "PLENTY" GOES TO THE POOREST OF THE POOR!!
...
Now for the rest of it.
1) A reminder = The CROSS is the Gospel. The Beatitudes are our blessings. Jesus Himself had NO "material plenty," other than what He was given in charity & which He freely shared with all His camaraderie, and donated to those in need. THAT was the true "plenty"-- the generosity, the compassion, the giving & sharing, the active grateful recognition & demonstration that ALL IS GOD'S, and we are but stewards, and this brief life we have been given on earth is meant to be spent, not hoarded, poured out for the love of God & others and thereby investing solidly in ETERNITY. This, too, is real prosperity-- the flourishing of virtue, allowing grace to flow through you to others without selfish hindrance. You will "succeed in all you do" if your ultimate & only goal is to honor & serve God, and to do His Will. Then circumstances cannot ever leave you bereft, for your eternal hope is untouched, your spiritual harvest sure, fixed as they are in God and His Kingdom. Even if you fall deathly ill or are permanently injured, this is no curse if it is united with Christ. When we receive even our sufferings from His Hands, they BECOME blessings.
2) And THAT is my FAVORITE LINE of this-- the humble & meek, the persecuted peacemakers, the hungry & weeping, ALL of these souls are paradoxically BLESSED, BECAUSE THE HAND OF GOD IS UPON THEM. What a grace!! What a grace to RECOGNIZE that truth WITHIN those afflictions!
...
3) When we are genuinely so afflicted, the Heart of Jesus goes out to us.
...
4) Jesus INSISTS that the suffering BE CARED FOR. And isn't that another paradoxical blessing? When we are truly "one of the least of these," we become the recipients of Jesus's mandate of compassion. We become living opportunities for God to use others for Love, and for others to show and share that Love. We, in our very sufferings, are God's canvases to MANIFEST the Kingdom all the more, by His grace.
...
5) The action of curing IS BUT A SYMBOL of something even greater, something that DOESN'T REQUIRE A PHYSICAL CURE TO BE REAL.
...
6) THIS is why our care & compassion for the poor, or lack thereof, is apparently & shockingly our JUDGMENT STANDARD before the very Throne of the Creator. 
...
7) "NOW." Not eternally.
...
8) "Have their fill" vs "live on luxury," really. And LAUGHTER.
...
9) THE REAL & TRUE JOY, THE REAL ABUNDANCE, IS ONLY & ALL FOUND IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FATHER, THROUGH JESUS-- specifically in the "CONFIDENCE & FIRMNESS" of such.
...


"All that came to be was alive with His Life: may our lives be a light for men. Come today through the Church, Lord Jesus."
Oh this is PROFOUND.
1) Life itself comes from God, Who IS Life. The gravity of that doesn't always sink in as it should: God, the Uncreated and Eternal, Love and Truth Himself, IS LIFE. All existence, all consciousness, all breath and blood, ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE GOD EXISTS. Language fails me. Life, the basic state of everything, IS INHERENTLY GOD'S. But more specifically, even more profoundly, it is CHRIST'S. Literally the principle of BEING that exists and animates every star, every plant, every animal, and especially every human, IS CHRIST'S. It's like a blood transfusion, somewhat-- the life of another now gives you life, and without it you would die. But this is infinitely more. Christ gives Life to EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE BECAUSE HE IS LIFE. IT'S ALL HIM.
I'm sorry, I cannot say what I'm feeling. This is just astounding me. It's beautiful, it's terrific, I am so humbled and joyful that THIS IS OUR GOD, THAT IS WHAT GOD IS LIKE, God has poured His own spark into everything that is in order for it to LIVE.
2) SOLELY BECAUSE OF THIS, our own lives CAN be "a light for others"-- because they can SPECIFICALLY reflect the TRUE AND ONLY LIGHT to them, through our own life, AS HIS LIFE, as from Him. Literally just be existing we are testifying to the glory of God, to the goodness of Christ, but we humans have the unique gift of CONSCIOUSNESS and so we can reflect CHRIST as a Person qin a more "accurate" way than any other created thing-- especially since HE BECAME MAN Himself, TO help us to do just that!
...


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Book devotionals.

ttywpf =
"God does not wait for us to go to him, but it is he who moves toward us, without calculation, without quantification. “That is what God is like. He always takes the first step; He comes toward us... Where is God calling you to be like him and to take the first step toward others? Do you need to reconcile with someone? Do you need to show an act of kindness to someone in your life?"
We literally read this right after we had been thinking (for unrelated & unremembered reasons) about "reconciling" with TAS & TBAS, but feeling sadly like God "won't let us?" Like we're "not meant to be friends anymore," especially not with how abusive "I" was to them both in the past. The greater sacrifice & mercy would be to let them go free of me forever, never reimposing myself on their lives.
Still, God knows I wish that I could make proper restitution for what I did. I want, ideally, to apologize so completely and sincerely that they both have peace in their hearts, no more bitterness, no grudges, everyone is forgiven on all sides. The problem? I have no right nor power to expect such a response, or even to pursue one. There is ONLY ONE THING that I am required to do, the only thing in my power, the only thing I have any right to do-- I MUST COMPLETELY FORGIVE THEM. But for WHAT?? THEY DID NOTHING WRONG. The problem is, I'M PROJECTING MY OWN GUILT & SHAME & SELF-HATRED ONTO THEM. Even now I'm being an abuser. Typical.
...


EGJ was SO HEADSPACE RELEVANT it actually brought us to tears=
"Somehow love perseveres. We discover that compassion, patience, forgiveness, mercy, and humility are layered like mortar between the bricks of joy, laughter, delight, gratitude, and awe. Love is like that, simultaneously giving us everything we want and everything we need.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, love comes to life in defiance of all odds. When all feels lost, when cold darkness holds a tightening grip, love finds a way. The Holy Spirit inspires. Somehow we find everything we need to love one another as Christ loves us.
Today, prayerfully pause and acknowledge that the hardest things you've faced in life stirred something within you that helped you love more deeply. Name them and express gratitude for them."
...I can name them all, and I can look into their eyes as I do so.
Honestly this hit straight to the heart.
The System has, unfailingly, from the very beginning, been a powerful tool of God to help me/us love more deeply in the deepest darknesses of life. Our existence is proof that Love somehow perseveres. Every one of us is a testimony that Love comes to life despite all odds.
Christ reflects Himself in us. He uses us to bring us closer to Himself.
...


"Come, Holy Spirit! Drain from me my arrogance, my stubbornness, and my insecurity, and replace them with the Gifts of your strength, your fortitude, and your wisdom."
This is a simple prayer but I was inspired by the wording.
1) DRAIN it out.
2) The Spirit's strength replaces human arrogance.
3) The Spirit's fortitude replaces human stubbornness.
4) The Spirit's wisdom replaces human insecurity.



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VOTD = 1 Corinthians 13:13 PUNCH TO THE JAW, seriously =
"Three things will last forever: faith, hope, and love... You know what won't last forever? All your stuff... We don't care about all the stuff that people own when we talk about their life. We talk about the way that they made us feel. So how do you make people feel with your Christian life? Do people have more faith in Jesus when they're around you? Are they more hopeful about the future? And do they feel the love of Jesus when they're around you?  These three things are the true mark of a Christian and they should be a greater priority than all the stuff we're searching after: Faith, Hope, and Love. Do you have them?"
...We really don't, not anymore. WHY.
We don't make people "feel good" at all. We whine and complain and gripe and cry and panic. We're a mess. We're a horrible excuse for a Christian. Talking like this is a prime example in and of itself. Where is our hope? Where is our optimism and bright-eyed looking-forwards to an invisible yet promised dawn? What happened to us, that drained all the sparkle out of our soul?
...Most importantly, as far as our morose gut is concerned, we AREN'T living a Christian life. THAT'S the SCARIEST THING. We feel like we are STILL SO MUCH OF A SINNER that we would NEVER "pass" as a Christian, let alone "merit" to use the title at ALL.
...and... we still "don't know Jesus." At all. THAT is the most terrifying bit of it all.
How could we ever help the faith and love of others if we still don't know what that feels like ourselves?


"Advent is a time for reflecting on=
+ our faith in the Biblical promises,
+ our hope in Christ's arrival— past and future,
+ and God's love in sending His Son."
1) God keeps pushing us, more & more often & strongly as we grow in faith, to LEARN what His Promises ARE. Like it's becoming a hunger in our soul, just like that "starving to know Jesus" that keeps aiming us towards our BOOKSHELF and not our phone.
2) This surprised me. First, "ARRIVAL." Singular, referring to TWO events. This means they are ACTUALLY ONE. Christ's Birth in Humility is BOUND UP in His Return in Glory. Because the first arrival HAS happened in time, the second arrival HAS ALSO "HAPPENED" in eternity?? Look at the Book of Revelation! It's not just "guaranteed," in some sense it ALREADY IS.
Second, the actual virtue of hope, in this context. We are hoping IN, NOT "FOR". We're not looking forward to a possibility, or something that "might happen." The ARRIVAL is already present!! So our hope is IN IT. It's a beautiful paradox. We hope for "what we cannot see," and yet, that dual Arrival is the context of our entire lives!!
...
3) "We love because He first loved us." Faith & hope are ours, and will no longer be needed in heaven-- but Love is GOD'S, and it alone is truly ETERNAL.
...

On that note, the written reflection =
"Faith is crucial to Christianity. In fact, “Without faith it is impossible to please God...” (Hebrews 11:16). “Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1). But one day, faith will give way to sight and what was once foggy will suddenly become clear.
Hope is also essential to those who follow Jesus Christ. And we certainly have a great hope— based on facts, evidence, and witnesses— in the God who created us, gave His life for us, and will return for us once and for all. But one day, the future we hope for will become reality."
1) Faith isn't just "belief." It's TRUST. Christianity is hinged on a PERSONAL CHILDLIKE TRUST IN GOD AS FATHER, THROUGH CHRIST. That makes our religion stupendously unique and beautiful, unlike any other.
2) No matter how much "good" you do, if you don't trust God, you can't please Him. It seems so obvious, but I think we overlook it because of how completely it destroys all self-exaltation and efforts to "achieve", and our fallen tendency for proud autonomy is very scared of that! 
3)


"Spiritual gifts (like prophecy or knowledge) are helpful to the Church but simultaneously meaningless without an undercurrent of love."
THE THRISKEFONI SERIOUSLY NEED TO REALIZE THIS.
I genuinely hate to keep "pointing fingers" at them but they aren't getting the memo, as it were, and we KNOW from accessible memory of their front-echoes that THEY REALLY DON'T LOVE. And that is tragically terrifying.
...


A last reminder, from the prayer=
GOD CREATED FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE. They all originate in Him and can only come FROM Him. So pray and ask for an INCREASE of them in your heart, AND an increase in the CAPACITY of your heart TO hold them!! Then ask for God to increase your ABILITY TO SHOW those virtues to others, for HIS GLORY.
God has blessed us with such grace in giving us Jesus, Who IS the Source of those virtues for us!
He is The Light that conquers all darkness, as He appears right in the midst of it; He Himself IS Hope for the future. In Jesus we have invincible joy. But we must SHARE the Good News of His Birth with others, because without faith in Him, in His Advent of Love, they cannot experience true joy or hope at all-- because those virtues ARE ONLY REALIZED IN JESUS.
So BE BOLD, and PROCLAIM HIM, with sincerity & zeal, to EVERYONE. Realize the stakes if you DON'T!!
PRAY FOR THE GRACE TO DO THIS.

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An edited quote from an article=
"Jesus was born in Bethlehem so that, thirty-three years later, He could die for our sins on Calvary. Consider the Passion this little babe would undergo, as innocent at His death as He was at His birth. Reflect on His sufferings, and the incredible Love that motivated both His earthly nativity and His death."
1) I actually love pondering this truth: that Jesus was born so that He could die. That was His Intention from the very beginning. Imagine that! How that nobly colors His Life! In every moment, in every encounter, His Heart was fixed on His Death. Why? Because that Death was the point of EVERYTHING. It was to be, in time, the Event on which ALL time would reorient, and in which ALL Creation was to be remade. 
2) This next line hits SO HARD. Jesus is FOREVER PURE & INNOCENT AS A CHILD!! Crucifying Jesus was LITERALLY as heinous and horrific as CRUCIFYING AN INFANT. And yes, there ARE crucifixes that portray this most gutting of revelations.
There's also a line in the Divine Mercy Novena I always wondered about that says exactly this=
"Eternal Father, turn Your merciful gaze upon meek souls, upon humble souls, and upon little children... These souls bear the closest resemblance to [the Heart of] Your Son."
...

3) His BIRTH, too, was suffering!! As God, Jesus didn't "know" pain & suffering & sorrow like we sin-tormented mortals do. So, when in His great Love, He chose to suffer the Passion of His Death, He ALSO chose to suffer the unique Passion of His Birth. This was no "penalty of sin," just as Mary was spared the same. But Jesus was to learn, as a newborn babe, what hunger and cold and pain WERE. He was helpless, unable to even speak or crawl, completely at the mercy of others, and in great essential need-- as all infants are. But He was also born in a manger, outdoors, away from both home & society, in the frigid darkness, smelling of animals... as only the most destitute children are. He refused to be even one step above the lowliest human being; He insisted on being right there in the dirt with them, holding their hand. He chose this natal "Passion" with utmost Love, just as He chose its Paschal fulfillment-- in both, sharing most intimately in the condition of humanity at its most vulnerable & wounded. He became everything God was "not," save for sin. He became as tenderly human as possible, and this was first & foundationally expressed through His infant sufferings.



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A final quote from Catholic Answers =

"So is Advent still a “penitential season”? It is, in the sense that all times are penitential times. The Catholic is called to constant conversion. Conversion is an ongoing aspect of the Christian life. There are times in our life when conversion may have a greater focus and others when it has a lesser focus, but there is no time when attention to conversion can be absent. Jesus calls us to “be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matt. 5:48), a constant task. So, yes, to the degree that we are all affected by sin (and we all are to a greater or lesser degree), in that measure, we also are all called to conversion. But the conversion we are called to in Advent has a distinctive character: one of “joyful hope.” A Catholic living Advent today is in a better position than Messianic prophets like Isaiah and Micah: he knows how the story turned out in Jesus of Nazareth. At the same time, today’s Catholic also knows how the story WILL turn out: the triumph of God and goodness, “when everything is subjected to Him... so that God may be all in all” (1 Cor. 15:28). We know that God, Who will come to judge the living and the dead, will prevail. The only thing we do not know is on which side we will be in that judgment: among the sheep or the goats. That is why Advent is a time of preparation and conversion: it is a time to make myself ready “for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ,” Judge of the living and the dead, King of the Universe. The way I prepare myself is through conversion of heart, from turning from creatures to the Creator, from sin to grace, [and] there is one, integral Life of Christ that remains the normative measure for every Christian [in this and all regards]. Whether we meditate on [it] in the rosary or observe [its events] through the course of the liturgical year, the motif should be the same: how these elements of His Life shape ours. Advent reminds us of what Jesus did for us so that, “now” (that little word we repeat in every Hail Mary), we may, by the prayers of Mary and all the saints, turn from whatever separates us from God and [turn at last] to God Himself. Advent reminds us that “now” is the only moment we actually have and are promised, as we have no guarantees of our future. So we seize the moment of grace, the kairos that is “now,” to prepare for Him who, by His past coming, made us aware He is coming back and that “My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what he has done” (Rev. 22:12). What is our response, for which we prepare during Advent and our entire lives? The very last words of the Bible: “Come Lord Jesus!” (Rev. 22:20). Maranatha!"
1) IT'S ALL PENITENTIAL. Laurie loves that. I do too.
...
2) Conversion NEVER STOPS. That's both strongly sobering & deeply comforting.
...
3) Our "constant task" in this regard is "PERFECTION"-- which CANNOT be achieved by man, nor in this life.
...
4) Advent brings joy and hope to our ongoing conversion. This is essential, because without it, our conversion can become morbid or overwhelming, especially with its perpetually penitential character.
...
5) We ACTUALLY KNOW "how it all turns out." Reflect on that, especially as we read the Biblical warnings & prophecies, AND see the worsening state of the secular world.
And HOW does it turn out? That's the beautiful bit. EVERYTHING will be subjected to God. No more rebellion, no more distortion, no more schism, no more isolation, no more disorder, no more falsehood, etc. Everything will be obedient to Christ the Lord, and Christ to His Father. God will be "ALL IN ALL." I adore that promise. And yes, it IS one! No matter WHAT happens, in all of temporal history, in the absolute end of everything GOD WILL BE ALL IN ALL. That's the last page of every book, as it were-- the complete & perfect & eternal triumph of Goodness and Life and Truth and Love, and the permanent bringing of the entire cosmos under His Holy Rule.
...
6) HOWEVER. We ALSO know that Christ WILL return as JUDGE. Sometimes I think people can forget that, in the focus on His final realized Kingship and our hopeful entrance into heaven-- too often Christians can ASSUME they're going to heaven, perhaps afraid to ponder the very real alternative, which WOULD be the ONLY option for us, if not for Christ's Sacrifice on our behalf. And yet WE'RE STILL NOT "GUARANTEED." Even now, even as Christians, we DON'T KNOW our ultimate judgment. We cannot know; that's the point. We must be vigilant & ardent & dedicated servants, both hopeful & contrite, with holy fear & childlike trust. To assume our salvation, EVEN though we hope in Christ's mercy, would be PRIDE. Furthermore, SALVATION DOES DEMAND "COOPERATION!!" It's all in Scripture! We've been called off the streets into the wedding banquet, absolutely, but are we wearing the wedding garment?
...
7) Advent is a preparation for the Second Coming IN the First Coming. Even as an Infant, Christ was Judge. His entire Life was a Judgment. How do we respond to Him? How do we meet Him in the manger, specifically, in such a scandalously humble state? If God has done this, if our King and Judge has chosen to experience this for Love of us, ALL of us, are we willing to do the same for love of Him, and all our brethren for His sake? THAT is HOW we will be judged, after all.
...
8) We must convert, but not blindly or haphazardly-- our conversion must CONFORM TO CHRIST'S EXAMPLE. That is SO IMPORTANT.
Where do we have this example to refer to? IN THE ROSARY AND THE LITURGY.
It's not automatic, either. We must meditate on it, actively pondering HOW Jesus's Life shapes our own, uniquely & individually, yet in absolute harmony with the Church-- and we must put it into action BY GRACE. That's the vital bit. We CANNOT do this by our own human willpower; it must be the work of the Spirit.
9) WE GAIN THIS GRACE THROUGH THE INTERCESSORY PRAYERS OF THE SAINTS???
...
10) Conversion is a constant turning. That's humbling & fascinating. It's like, somehow, we can always turn to face God a little more. We can always turn towards the Light. But we can also turn away, especially if we aren't paying attention.
Ponder this. Where are we turned to, right now? Where are we truly looking? In what direction are we really facing?
What creatures are we gazing at, moreso than the Creator? What sins are we fixated on, to the neglect of grace?
It's like the dirt or the sky-- you can only look at one at a time. You can either face the sunrise or turn your back to the glow.
What is separating us from God? What is preventing our turning fully to face Him?
...
11) "NOW" IS ALL WE HAVE. That is a life-changing truth.
It's IN the Hail Mary!!
...
12) The litmus test for ALL our preparation-- it must enable us to WELCOME JESUS NOW. If we're still saying, "not just yet, give me a minute, I'm not ready," then we are NOT TRULY LIVING OUR CONVERSION. To be honest about it, it MUST have that quality of FINALITY, that awareness of our mortality, and the immanent reality of Jesus's Presence NOW, which Advent points us to the historical breaking-in of. But that first Christmas CONTINUES in our hearts TODAY, and will until He returns at an unexpected hour, for which we MUST prepare NOW, no exceptions. It's not "okay, I've gotta get ready, but let me finish this first--" NO. RIGHT NOW. And the secret is that you make EVERYTHING into an act of conversion, no matter how mundane. You sanctify EVERYTHING, so that no matter where you are or what you're doing, you CAN say, "COME, LORD JESUS." You're as ready as you can be in this moment, and in that preparation-- in your constant conversion to look towards Him and Him alone-- you are expectantly waiting. You're "not the holdup." You're not distracted looking elsewhere. You've got oil for your lamp. Et cetera. You stay active in service-- you don't neglect your stewardship duties to just stare out the window!-- but you are ready in the work itself, and your deeds speak those same welcoming words in loving silence.
...

HAPPY SUNDAY IT'S 230PM BREAKFAST TIME 😂
Seriously though i don't mind. I'm used to fasting thanks to God's training. Remember yesterday's VOTD about discipline!
Today had been gorgeous, and I thank God for that too.

Dream with grandma wanting "chicken pancakes". So realistic that as soon as I woke up I googled recipes for it haha.
But... honestly I think I've been dreaming about her every night for weeks now. It wasn't like this last year. And... it's so strange. In our dreams, we're always at the homestead, but the era is very starkly different: either we are a child, around age 6-7, or we are in 2021-2022, when she was in home hospice. In both cases she is still bedridden, but she's... not dying? She's not in pain. We're still taking care of her in the dreams, but she is smiling and talking and lucid; it's not like the last days actually were, when her awareness of both self and space was visibly deteriorating from the cancer.
...It feels like God is giving me a "second chance." We weren't conscious for the entire time grandma was ill; we were still "dead" post-CNC, and God only knows who was fronting. So memory only starts to pick up in late 2021, I think? Whenever we started listening to Larnelle Harris and hanging clothes on the porch at night with WVIA jazz playing in the background. They're very broken memories, like looking through someone else's brain from behind, but they're real flashes. Nevertheless, they are very sparse.
But... the point is this. We didn't get to care for her. We weren't ABLE to care for her; we were addicted and abusive and absolutely incapable of doing good for anyone. We didn't even wake up until half a year after she died. And... now, suddenly, when we ARE aware and conscious and SANE for the first time in freakin' YEARS... God is giving us these dreams. We're able to see her, even though we don't "remember" her. It's so strange. We see snippets of childhood, and that house, and it's like photographs that we only saw once suddenly come to life.
But we're grateful. Whether or not we actually remember our body's chronological history, it happened, and it affects us whether we realize it or not. So God giving us these nighttime "visits" is a real grace.

 
Beautiful post-rain winter sky upon waking, like a big silver fluffy blanket. It was shockingly lovely to see. I lay there with CZ for a bit and just looked at it.

Needed TWO glucose at church today, but didn't feel super sick, just cold & so lightheaded the room was wobbly and my sense of proprioception was failing, haha. That happens when the glucose drops!

CCD kids stopped in between Masses! Impressed and deeply humbled by how simply yet piously Maryann P teaches them the basics. I have a lot to learn, and a lot of foolish pride to lose, if I ever want to teach children too.

MARVELOUS HOMILY. "Choose carefully!!" Fr. P gets SO ZEALOUS i love it so much. He is on fire for the faith.
Basilica broadcast had a good homily too! Tied all three readings together!

HOMESTEAD SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN. IT'S ALL AUTUMN LEAVES.
I absolutely NEED to go up there one day to help work & soak it all in.
Nabbed a pear!

Jade crying over Pepper still missing.
Had a good honest human talk today though. No zany stuff.

1234 on microwave activated Audrey's radio, haha
Did I mention we CAN see her, roughly? I need to make an avatar for her. But she's BRIGHT ORANGE. She has short hair, is a bit chubby, and she always wears big over-ear headphones. She's young, too, maybe only 13. She doesn't talk much, she communicates through music or gestures mainly; when she does talk it's quiet & brief but notably aware & intelligent for her age. She's so sweet, though. We all like her a lot.

"Laurie-analogous" protector slots for EACH color???
Spice thinking about this
Discriminating her function from both Lynne & Adelaide despite close colors

None hour prayers about loving God. "I love You, Lord, my strength, my protection, my Savior," etc. Hit me that I still don't have that personal and close a relationship with Jesus. I'm still both too scared, and too self-dependent??? Which is ironic as I am totally helpless and stupid and I KNOW it. But its learned instinct from childhood. I need to unlearn it. Even better, I need to have a "NEW CHILDHOOD" IN CHRIST!!!

Etymology bliss= learning "claudere" root words!
Honestly when I learn more about the "skeletons" of language it's like a whole new world opens up. I can recognize the bits and pieces in common words all of a sudden, and even guess the meanings of new ones. It's such a wonderful feeling. I get that too when I can properly read Greek or Hebrew letters, which I am getting better at but very slowly, as I'm not actively studying right now due to all my time being dedicated to Scripture study outright. Nevertheless, it involves both languages inevitably, so I'm still getting some knowledge here and there. I treasure it.

We contacted YouVersion help finally. Apparently there are a LOT of known unresolved bugs, so thank God for telling us to be patient and Compassionate and not quit in a snit.
On that note it paid off already-- today we VERY SUDDENLY got back TONS OF PRAYERS that have been assumed deleted for MONTHS??? So hopefully they're NOT all gone, just glitched. Thank You God, and please forgive our stupid impatience. Thank You for not giving up on us; help us to never give up on others, either.

Think8:7 KVOTD intro actually made me laugh out loud. I always enjoy their vids, them and Word of Life.

Evening =

Family donated food. Uncontrollable panic.
Destructive binge.

I am so sick and so scared.
All I want is Jesus.

 
Church run
Felt SO SICK & weak

2hour praybiking
GLORIOUS mysteries feel the BEST
No burnout

BK prep Mimic & Laurie talking
"second in command"
Also mim commenting on CZ & J, CZ clarifying J aroace history, notably Cupid "he IS romance, but he doesn't really DO romance"

Francis devotional. "Bring the Light into the dark" Jay moved, talking animatedly about this 

ADELAIDE NAME LOSS momentarily
Julie freaking out
We all let Adelaide lead prayers
Feeling collective responsibility, considering own fallibility; felt "WRONG" to assume no personal sin, STARK CONTRAST TO THE HYPERRELIGIOUS FONI
Also ALGORITH & SUGAR fronting hard to pray
Jeremiah moved in to close up, totally unexpected

Addie saying she should be a nurse
Also saying she is getting to know the Blepofoni
Laurie noting how MONUMENTAL Adelaide's role is, first bodycare foni that KEPT the job, formed a SELF, and WASN'T AN ABUSER

Daily devotional = "if God calls us to do something [in Scripture], then it's possible". Huge amount of hope there
ALSO "true motivation" hit HARD. reflect on it.

⭐GOD GIVES US A NEW HEART. WE CANNOT MAKE IT OURSELVES.

MIMIC hit HARD by "pray for enemies" + "don't harden your heart" devotional.
Imagining this in his DC days. Talking to Christ about it. He explained that He MADE the heart to love, and He didn't want ANYONE to die or be hurt, not him or his enemies. The very state of enmity was unnatural to true Creation. So He calls us to cooperate with REALITY, the undefeated Truth.
Begrudgingly obeying, still thinking this is crazy, but a spark of hope. Keeps at this, duty at first, but action paved the way for grace. then in time, suddenly realizing his heart was free. No walls because this new heart was made invincible in surrendered prayer. Grace taught him compassion, and freed him from fear. Nothing could offend that trust & radically kindness. All the opposition was powerless now

BTW BLACKHAIR SIDEBURNS "JAY" IS OUT MORE.
SOLID ANCHOR GROWING. MUCH HEALTHIER SPIRITUALLY THAN THE GIRLS.

⭐how to love suffering = you only suffer in a FIGHT. if you're fighting then you are at WAR with something, to DEFEND something. To love suffering then is to be FIGHTING FOR LOVE, to be DEFENDING GOD & OTHERS FROM EVIL???? All wounds borne for the sake of a loving cause are CHERISHED. We are actual humbled proof of this. JESUS IS THE ULTIMATE PROOF.

⭐Divine office prayer = persecuted Christians. "But I don't know what that feels like personally." SO WHAT, THEY DO!!! and in blessed imagination SO CAN WE. we are ONE IN HIS SPIRIT & BODY. = if I am united with Christ, then I share in His suffering, which He shared with all people. Therefore I CAN empathize with all men THROUGH CHRIST. their pain IS my pain IN CHRIST. we are all one in him. Our joys & struggles are all mutual. What i lack, they can give; what they lack i can give. "Fill up suffering" AND "offer it up" AND "our comfort overflows" "it is for your sake"

TILLY'S REAL NAME IS TATIANA, AND HER COLOR IS PALE ORCHID PINK!!!
Also remember there is a green somafoni named KATHERINE, close to HOBAN & AENIMA

HORRIFIC DREAD/ PANIC ATTACK FROM MUSIC????
deeply shaken & disturbed. JESUS WARNED US TWICE!!!! Saw the devil number. That means STOP!!!  But we were so shocked and distressed that we "brushed it off," like "can't be, maybe I'm seeing things" feeling??? SUSPECTING its legitimacy but TERRIFIED to admit it, AND scared to admit WE WERE "DOING WRONG"

Laurie FURIOUS at "peanut gallery" for joking about Christ dying yet living


 

rough notes for today, from phone. most written between masses.
too important to not at least try to update.
 

dream last night was... a turning point.
i was watching some hollywood movie, based loosely on our life?
Main guy a grizzled action hero type, all stubble & dirt & muscle. (They pulled a Father Nier on me, haha. GOOD.)
Star Trek + Alien feel to set? Very dark.
Talking to someone off to side, assumedly a nonhuman person? Like Data or someone, who was informing them of mission. Main guy seemed unsure of decision, there was a huge risk involved?
Then there was a voice.
and i recognized it instantly. i knew that voice.
It came from above, from a huge shadowy tangle reaching up into hidden heights. It was only a few words, but in direct response to the man's hesitation.
Something like "let me" or "i can", personal offer, implying exclusive ability.
Saw an EYE open in the shadow. slightly pinkish-red iris. opened halfway, almost, moved with notable slow grace. Movement, fluid and refined, but dark. nonthreatening despite the fearful silhouettes.
Man turns to it, looks pained and concerned? Vulnerable suddenly. Obviously a bit uncomfortable with this, the offer to help choose this decision he was scared of.
Thinking hard, but evident already knew what must be done.
Short sigh of acquiesce & surrender, "okay"? Turned completely towards shadows, with softly open body language surprisingly. not tense.
Last thing: him saying something like "bring me in"?
the shadows reaching down close now, just offscreen, from shadow. Those dark hands gently but firmly lifting the man's face to hirs, to touch their foreheads together. hir eye briefly visible among the shadows as it closed.
Immediately a flash, transported man into a nightmare realm? Deeply disturbing and distorted. But had some vital mission to do, something absolutely essential.

...but yeah. it was infi. infinitii. alive. obscured and hidden but ze was there, and i heard hir voice, and...

...It's terrible, how ze felt so real and alive and close, only to wake up and remember that ze was dead.

I feel more alive, too, now, as we're dying, than I have in a very long time.
I feel more hope this morning, with hir memory hot in my heart, and the sky outside heavy with the scent of fog and green and life, than I have in a very long time.

God knew that dream was exactly what I needed.
We all needed this, all of it.

...

Mass
CANNON fronting.
Bodygirl pushed through during homily-- set off SO MANY TRAUMA ALARMS that some paidifoni started wailing; Wreckage & Sugar instantly jumped to action, PULLED the bodygirl OUT of fronting & shoved J IN.

Cannon feels surprisingly "stable" fronting. Hidden godsend.
She is still disturbed+disgusted by the body, but she can at least front in a female-tone fashion yet CONNECTED to headspace. Most girls are corpufoni and therefore isolatory+hollow, which is tragic but true.

J thinking about dysphoria in light of 2nd reading: to let it be what it is, afab without further modification, would be a MARTYRDOM for the sake of his sisters. It would be a self-giving sacrifice of love, truly selfless out of charity.

Remember from the other day (Thursday?): JOPHAEL & VEIL ARE ALIVE. Arguably so is "Tilly." There are SEVERAL hyperreligious foni (need jargon) that blur hard despite notable distinctions.

Priest saying "unity" during opening prayer and it PINGED INFI'S SPOT???
Wondering if hir name truly is changing.
Color too-- that space feels much more Red than before.

Chaos singing softly "whoever you are i love you" as we left church
Felt like God Himself shot an arrow straight through my heart
Genuinely felt so loved and IN love

third mass
wreckage upstairs fighting the molasses-dark sticky tar-voice girls
it was almost hilarious; she heard them, then held out a hand. "algorith. goggles." then "sugar. mask." they both instantly handed her both, she put them on to protect from contamination, then COMPLETELY TORE THE TARVOICES TO SHREDS.
i forgot she was born for violence. it was shocking.
likewise, at some point a tarvoice respawned and when laurie heard it, in one swift terrible motion she summoned her axe and slammed it into that voice's skull. i remember blood went everywhere. laurie roughly swiped a fist across her face to get some off, it was such an old familiar motion, i was both scared of her and so in love


Home for 1?
Exercise first! it's been three days and we needed it.

julie and adelaide still a tag team remember. julie is just so glad that we finally have a voice who is taking care of the body in the most dangerous environment. honestly if addie had been around during the "julie days" we probably would have had SO MANY LESS HACKS because adelaide exists to prevent social automatons from taking over and abusing/ allowing abuse to the body.
so julie is so grateful and even enthusiastic about helping this kid out, it's wonderful.
it's ALSO noteworthy because this is a SPLIT-LEVEL FRIENDSHIP. addie is a social, technically-- but julie is a centralite. so they are on DIFFERENT SYSTEM LEVELS, and socials typically DON'T COMMUNICATE AT ALL. so the whole thing is really amazing.
by the way. there is ANOTHER voice that comes out when the bathroom door is closed and we're in the dark. we thought we were hallucinating at first but it happened three consecutive times, same overlay and vibe, without any interference. they're nonhuman? but they have BIG EYES, wide open and yellow i think?? but ringed like an aye-aye or something similar. they feel like dread, function-wise: they exist in the threat of immediate danger, and have a background hum of panic that they aren't able/allowed to feel, yet which fuels their life.

BK prep was very dissociated because i was stuck in "jellybean mode" (my favorite jargon injoke) and no one could really front well from all the brainfog.

leon tried another egg method, it didn't turn out as he expected BUT it apparently made the perfect eggs for razor to cut. she was so happy with this she ACTUALLY hugged Leon (she's so short!)
remember that knife and scalpel both go to such lengths to help her be happy, it's so sweet. scalpel is naturally affectionate and amiable (reds always are at heart; they're "sanguine" literally), and knife just adores her as his sister.
seeing this unusual friendship growing between knife/razor and leon/scalpel is just wonderful actually.

...

phone note: The reason why people like Laurie and Lynne Are holding so many functions is because there aren't enough people In that color to hold those functions separately so they all get shoved into one person !!


post-BK binge temptation deafening. no idea why it hits so bad.
determined not to give in, but we were shaking and nauseous. felt front slipping.
tried to distract body. god helped by randomly showing us that one of our kitchen cupboards was full of papers?? from old eating disorder treatment. "kill the albatross." junked all of it. felt like a weight was literally lifted off our back.
still nervous, xenophon watching carefully, god bless her
then had genius idea to sit down at laptop to type self compassion booklet & listen to Arabic indie tunes
took three hours haha, completely destroyed the binge panic

DN 745
at some point i said something about scripture reading plans, called mimic "my octopus" and laurie immediately called me out on it
later laurie asking me why i keep putting so much cayenne pepper in the food. i said, half-joking, i was trying to get back in touch with my old fire element. she then said all right, fair enough, but then why are you adding just as much salt? i shrugged and just said "salt & light." she gave me this look it was hilarious, said "you know the worst part is you're not even wrong"

THIS paragraph during bible study (still focusing on john 1 commentary, i love this chapter)=
"[John the Baptist] did not, as seducers do, give out himself to be some great one. He was more industrious to do good than to appear great; and therefore waived saying any thing of himself till he was legally interrogated. Those speak best for Christ that say least of themselves, whose own works praise them, not their own lips... The ministers of Christ must remember that they are not Christ, and therefore must not usurp his powers and prerogatives, nor assume the praises due to him only. They are not Christ, and therefore must not lord it over God's heritage, nor pretend to a dominion over the faith of Christians. They cannot created grace and peace; they cannot enlighten, convert, quicken, comfort; for they are not Christ... Those that humble and abase themselves thereby confess Christ, and give honour to him; but those that will not deny themselves do in effect deny Christ!"

Reading through our 2012-2015 "newage" spirituality delusion, that is EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE DOING.

"Still small voice" humbling correction. social mode took over and i thought there was a mistranslation, was complaining about it? subtle pride. realized i had the wrong info entirely, very convicted and corrected. gave thanks for this out loud, admitted how i messed up to those around. still disturbing to then realize that i had been acting on programming, and had not made a conscious decision in the complaining. social corruption is pervasive. 

trying to get ready for bed, head still fuzzy, then suddenly the mother calls
THEY FOUND JADE. THEY'RE STABLE & NOT DEAD THANK GOD
spent the next hour with her calling over and over, trying to figure out emergency housing at this hour
still. so glad they're not on the streets.

wanting to read "brainchild" webcomic over from the beginning. haven't read it in like... 7 years, at least? and it's STILL UPDATING god bless. so we'll do that soon, maybe to fight off another e.d. wave. it'll work.

Thinking about "a broken and crushed heart" psalm 51:17 
and that's where i want to segue into some actual typing, not just bullet points.



We haven't been updating lately. I won't elaborate on that here because it's fairly self-explanatory.
Infinitii died. Something in me died with hir.
I can feel the System on the verge of a reset, a restart, an update. Whatever you want to call it, I can feel the edges crumbling away, fading out, just like Infi's bubblespace, which I walked into this morning and... it's so empty. I can feel the raw whitespace beyond it now, like the very air of the cosmos whistling through the ruins.

We... we all have to "die" in some sense, soon. I think I've known this for a while, but reading the archives as I repost them-- the work I've been focusing on since Infi's death, to keep my mind and heart off it-- is really driving the point in hard.
I didn't realize just how hellish our past ACTUALLY WAS. It's... humbling as well as horrific. It's making me realize we really do need therapy, because I JUST hit 2015 and I haven't fully read anything prior yet but geez we have buried SO MUCH it's no wonder we feel dead.
Ironically, that's our ticket out of this haze. Just like Jesus, Who goes before us in all things, we need to accept the tomb before we can be reborn.
I know something died in us after CNC. We hit that ghastly "dead period" of, what, four years?? We still have no idea who was fronting, who we were, anything... when we got out of that car in 2018 and stepped back into the trauma-cursed building we had lived in for almost three decades, we suddenly realized that we didn't remember what it was like TO live there and then something snapped.
It's... terrifying. We have almost no memory of anything. We still haven't got the guts, nerves, or time to sit and attempt a "CNC Memory" entry, but flashbacks and nightmares have been reminding us that there is still data up here, even if our conscious mind runs from it.
...That's my next point. Hold on a second, let me bring this back.
We all need to die, but not stay dead, because since CNC we have been living a death. We have basically been corpses.
Remember, WE DID DIE when we left CNC. I don't remember details. It was so fast, so raw, so desperate. I remember Laurie wordlessly hunting down Infinitii and burying an axe in hir skull, leaving hir body as a nightmarish monument in that place for YEARS. I remember... oh God why do I remember? I have this awful flashbulb memory-shred of Laurie, destroying herself by means of an axe and hypergravity, I swear she was standing in that same wrecked skyscraper she had killed herself in the last time she failed to protect the System from hell, back in 2013.
I don't know what happened, after that. The two cornerstones had died, the Core was completely missing, everyone else was... I have no idea. No one could cope. Everyone disappeared. Some social girl took over for the next several years and almost deleted all trace of us from the earth.
Then... suddenly, on May 17th 2020, she woke up from a dream to see headspace instead, and Infinitii among the lilies, hir body damaged but alive, and... suddenly there was hope.
But we don't remember what happened after that.
Headspace didn't wake up, not entirely. If anything, the girls were fighting furiously to keep it dead. Nothing reformed. Nothing was rebuilt. No one else showed up that I can remember.
I haven't looked at any archives from 2020. Our actual active memory doesn't pick up until the autumn of 2021, when one morning over breakfast our grandmother coughed up blood and everything shifted direction towards the end.
2021 was the year of cancer and music and bulimic hell and hospitals, hospitals, hospitals. Our life was spent in that bedroom, waiting on her 24/7, our identity swallowed up in palliative care and honestly it was the biggest blessing. We wouldn't change that at all. But it... only helped promote self-destructive behavior in every single moment we weren't being a nurse. I know that much.
2022 was the year of death. Grandma died, our "brother" "died," we nearly died, and our entire life up to that point changed so irreversibly that it felt as if we really had buried it. Total upheaval, confusion, helplessness, and loss defined this year. But... then there was the Chizu Summer, when we felt our heart waking back up slowly but REAL, and then... we landed in the eating disorder recovery unit for nine weeks. 
And the System woke back up COMPLETELY.
But... we still didn't rebuild.

We've been living in fragments. We have this old pocket of Central, the main room and the Coreroom, but... outside everything is still destroyed and empty and overgrown. Even inside, the very building feels abandoned even while we're in it. The place where the Underground got hardshifted to the last time things reset, feels like it's graying out into fog at the edges, falling into unformed space, literally being reclaimed by the raw energy of our soul, ready to be recycled and reshaped.
So many of us are still missing, or dead, or unstable, or deeply damaged. Color and name instabilities are common. We all feel lost, deep down. We're spending so much time just crowded in that little Central ruin and helping the Fronters, just because there's nowhere else to go, and we still haven't been able to carve out the time to go back to daily headspace meditations and talks and the like. Honestly, if I can speak for us all, I think we're afraid to. We don't know what's hiding there. We haven't looked at it for like... five bleeding years. When we do get glimpses we feel too weak to do anything about them. Even Laurie is scared. She's been... so nervous lately. She says she feels like a failure, and the more she sees of her past the more lost she feels. She's terrified that she'll corrupt again, like she did in CNC, or worse-- that said corruption has ruined her beyond repair, has blackened her very soul, and forever ruined her integrity, her very heart. She's terrified that she can't BE a Protector anymore.
I understand her terror. But so help me God I will cut my own throat before I give any such fear a foothold. She's Laurie. She's my knight, she's my angel, I will NEVER let ANYTHING ruin her.
I know, I know, her deepest heart is untouched by that hell.
And, you know what else? Even if we were so damaged, guess what Jesus is all about? Guess what the Cross we all look to is all about? God is Love and He CAN and WILL heal even such a wound. There is ALWAYS hope, for all of us.
But... we might need to actually, really, finally, pointedly die before that hope can revive our souls.
And quite frankly, at this point, I'm... I think I want to. I think we need to.


..."Burial" by Seinabo Sey just came on Spotify.
I want to burst into sobs. I want to break into weeping.
God, I never thought that this song, that this title, would mean what they do now. God how could we have known?
"...I hear you speak to me, as you spoke to me, saying "come down, let it be"... grains of sand will never be strong enough to make me leave."
I'm so desperate for hope. Even now. Even now. What am I even looking for. Freedom and marching drums. It's tearing me to pieces.

Oh yeah. Psalm 51.
A "crushed" heart, not just a broken one.
Forgive my repetition but that made me think of this entire month. Losing Infi, and feeling--literally-- that my heart had been ripped out and shattered and emptied out. Every time I reach for hir and feel nothing it's... it's my own death knell. I'm next. I have to be. I can't live without my heart.

Isn't that strange? We've been talking about that too, lately, how Infi and I have a completely different bond than Chaos 0 and I do, and yet... I'm indelibly, wholeheartedly, inseparably, absolutely in love with both of them.

I need to mention this.
You know how I said that, at mass, the priest saying "Unity" pinged Infi's "space?" Like if someone died suddenly, and left their cellphone in their room, and you call it, it still rings. There are still places where they would belong, that belong to them, or did. Something like that. But there's a "spot" in the Systemind that ze would fit in, and that word resonated there like a temple bell.
But... ze's fading, more and more, which scares me to death, or at least it did until that dream this morning. Bubblespace is continuing to melt away. I don't even know if I could find the floatspace pocket ze died in ever again, or if blackspace itself swallowed it up. It was so small.
...The number one biggest indicator that a nousfoni is dead, really and truly dead, is when their name stops "pinging." When you call for them, and... and there's not even a heartpull, there's suddenly a loss of memory, like their existence is being softly erased from the fabric of cognizance. When you say their name and there's... not even an echo, from headspace, just silence. That means they're dead.
Infi's name is starting to do that.
I say that name, Infinitii, Infinitii Eternos, that name that past Cores breathed with such ardent love over the past decade, is suddenly becoming just a jumble of letters. It's terrifying.

But. Here's the important thing. Here's the Holy Saturday feeling. Here's why it happened.

Remember Infi wanted to die.

I've been praying about it, so so much, every day really. I've been crying about it to Jesus, begging Him to bring hir back, hysterically begging Him to tell me why, why, weeping with such raw emotion my entire soul turns into a sob. I take it all to Him. Where else could I go?
But... He listens, and He responds. He keeps reminding me of that: Infi wanted to die.
And oh, oh man I think it was in the homily today. Somewhere. Recently. A priest was talking about the Cross, about that total self-sacrifice of Love, to save others from a debt of sin they could never repay, of God Himself choosing to die the agonizing torturedeath of a false condemnation so that we, those criminals He inexplicably loved, wouldn't have to... to freely take on the full power and demands of Justice and mercifully fulfill them completely, freeing us as a result.
Jesus kind of poked me in the shoulder and said hey kid, my Truth is always reflected in love, and isn't a glimmer of that visible in what Infi did for you?
Infi knew ze had to die, or else we'd all end up dead, forever.

...I knew something huge had happened when I blindly groped for even trauma memories to see if ze was there, and... they were DISARMED.
It floored me. There were trauma memories that ONLY INFI HELD and that others could only glimpse secondhand, but now, as I tore through archival data to look for those recorded events they were hollow. Like... I can look at them and recognize this as something traumatic but not feel traumatized personally. Infi's very presence IN those events is gone, and as a result... this is the first time in five years that we can look at them.
This means we can finally go to therapy. I hope.
Infi knew this. I'm sure ze did. The hack that drove hir to death brought all that up to the surface. Ze was distraught, ze was carrying so much of our pain, ze knew ze was the CAUSE of it, and... how else was ze going to help save us from it? How else could that wound be healed, if that wound had a face and a name?

...I'm next. I have to be.
The bloodline HAS to shift. It HAS to change. The white-haired Jay/ce bloodline has been Plagued since the very beginning, WAY back in 2009 when the first one to carry it-- Pinstripe-- was born. Lotus was the last, his White rotting to Pink by the end, and subtly carrying all the old trauma damage that Julie had originally put there.
Now it's... me. "J." Back to the single-initial name, in lieu of any stable identity. Everyone can attest to that; I frequently get shifts in not only name, but also hairstyle and color, eye color, and even memory access. It's debilitating and disturbing and exhausting.
But I'm carrying a dead man's name. "Jay" as a name has always ended in self-destruction, for one reason or another. We've always tried too hard to be all sparkles and prismatic light, all snowflakes and angel wings, only to burn to death in the winter sun.
Cannon is able to front lately as if we never existed, as if our personal timeline has rewound. Our religion and life situation have permanently erased the trans* dream from our future, so the body is now fated to stay how it is-- no surgery, no hormones. That itself is a cross. But... all our female "pseudocores" are completely corrupt.
The Jewels are League-tied and cannot be a System Core without dying instantly. The Cannons have no future in the body anymore; they existed for a very specific era of life that no longer applies and cannot. The Jays are dying and they are now barred from body identification anyway. So what does the future hold? We don't know.
All we know is that we have to die. Everything has to CLEAR CUT die, no fading away, no fizzling out, no slow degradation. No. We take an axe to this. We headshot this point-blank. We rip the curtain in half. We end this, fast and complete and deliberate. We break this clean in half so something else CAN be born. There's no hope in decay. There's no life in a molding coffin. Give us the golden guillotine. Christ handed His Life over in one terrible beautiful awful glorious sentence-- all at once, totally and consciously, and all of heaven and earth shook with the power of the Life that Death released. Lord, God of Mystery and Mercy, glorify Yourself again by mirroring that, however quietly, in us. I beg of You. This is Your Design. Our old self HAS to die in order for our new self, our soul for truth, the REAL us, to be born. Fire and water and spirit and truth and love.
It's almost Pentecost. How fitting it all is.

It's 3am. I need to close this up. We haven't been sleeping lately and that's entirely my fault.

Seeing Infinitii-- even if only the vestiges of hir, the tiniest glimpses of hir existence-- in this morning's dream... I felt something upon waking that I haven't felt in YEARS.
I remembered what ze REALLY felt like.
Listen, every nousfoni has a "vibe." Every one of us has a personal energy signature that is like a fingerprint, or a heartbeat, or a name, in and of itself. One of my honest favorite things to do in the world is just sit and feel them out, to just find and notice and treasure this particular person's soul in all its colors and textures and sounds and scents, however it hits my heart.
Infi... I haven't felt hir in YEARS.
When ze was "resurrected" in 2020-- and I don't even know if that's the proper word; none of us felt completely "alive" since CNC, we all feel incomplete and off-center and helplessly confused deep down-- ze didn't feel like hirself at all. In fact I had FORGOTTEN what ze felt like, completely.
This morning, when I heard hir voice, oh God I thought I'd never hear that beloved unmistakable voice ever again-- when I heard hir and saw hir eye open, and move, there in the black, so real and so familiar and so loved-- I FELT HIR. I felt all of it, that heady numinous gorgeous starry-sky night-flower abyss that I missed with my entire soul. Upon waking it soaked into my psyche like the morning fog, and just as gentle and beautiful and cherished, filling me with love and amazement and hope.
Infinitii is still dead. I know this. There's still so much emptiness. The sense of loss is still so profound. The grief is still there, threatening to kill me all on its own. But... there's this light, now. I've... I'm hoping, Lord please I'm hoping that the tomb is empty. It feels like sunlight, despite everything being dark. I don't know how to explain it. It's a single ray of gold, like a thread, shining in my heart like the promise of morning. I don't know. But everything smells like midnight clarity and velvet and I want to weep but from love, nothing ever really ends Adrian, John 11:25, remember what hir name was after all.
I don't know. I'm rambling now. I apologize. I'm too tired.
Just... this is the first time in three weeks that I haven't felt like the world is actively ending.
Even if I do die tomorrow, and the bloodline hardshifts, who even knows... even then, I could go happily now. Somehow. I'm still scared, but... I think I could let go. I think I could surrender, now. I'll go be with my heart.

"Godly Love" by Sam Ock just came on. It's one of Laurie's favorites.
"What if God speaks in a whisper to teach me how to hear the echo? Maybe God's raining down plagues just to tell me that I need to let go."
...I think that sums things up, actually.

One last thing.
Infi's playlist on Spotify, and hir album of art on my phone... neither of them match anymore. It struck me today how all my memories of Infi, all my knowledge of hir, does NOT match the art OR the music from the CNC era. I'd never looked at either until today, so that hit hard. That, too, is hope. I had forgotten how scary things were back then, how corrupt we honestly were, how our personality was just pure TarPlague and we were destroying both ourself and everyone around us. That needed to die, objectively so, we all knew that... but no one realized how. Infi did. So... there's hope for a future, free from all that.
It's such an odd feeling, even just deleting songs from here (more small deaths) that don't fit hir heart at all, and I wonder how we ever thought they did. Maybe at one point they did match. Have we really healed and changed that much, without realizing it, even in this place of death?

There's so much more to say but there's no time tonight. This poor body needs to sleep before it collapses. 
God willing I will update tomorrow. If not, then it's all in His Hands anyway, and I can rest in that.
Right now, none of us has any clue what will happen next, either in moments or in days. It's a strange adventure.
This song is breaking my heart. "My Thief" by Elvis Costello. I think of the poem I wrote for hir, even back during the terror. Still the sound echoes true. Still the words are sincere.
What a strange adventure, the doors of which were flung wide open by your eyes closing in silence. God only knows how achingly I miss you. But... I hadn't realized that I could still feel this, until... until my heart broke, and everything poured out, glittering like you.
I didn't realize just how much I love you until I lost you.

I wonder if you knew that, too.

 

No music Mass so slept in
Feeling REAL sick to stomach, dizzy?
EXTREMELY derealized

SJE Mass
Sister from Africa; told a different story than yesterday, really hit home

Jesus telling me "AS OF TODAY, YOU'RE RED."
Would not change this. No delay, no "wait until," no "but if" etc. Told me TWICE. Gentle joyful smile but AUTHORITATIVE.

Redners stop
Genesis ghosting in lot. Saw him so clearly

Home for 1?

Mimic music joke (what was it? totally unexpected, it's great when he is randomly amiable like that)

Sharona checking mailboxes for names

Adelaide & Julie our main fronters for the evening, doing respective jobs. surprised at how well they both front in their own respects.
Sharona fronts super solidly too? Shocked

Scalpel BLUSHING over how hard the retribution instinct runs

...

Prayer OCD but still brought so much blessing 

 
EARLY mass for weird schedule
SJE
Oblates
Funeral so went home
OCD prater answer

Clothes frustration; overstimulated
TOO STRESSED, COULDN'T GET UPSTAIRS!!!
Prayer card fixing

FINALLY got into different clothes, RECONNECTED WITH HEADSPACE, SAID PRAYERS

Leon has MASTERED the eggs

Mimic & Chaos brief "bonding" over eggman grudges
Julie warned them about that?

Lynne NEEDS TO SUFFER TO LEARN LOVE
(also a new "surname"!!!)
THE RETRIBUTORS NEED SURNAMES TOO NOW!!!!

Laurie inviting them and Leon to hang out with us more regularly, especially at night-- that's when truest relationships develop

Sharona/Jezebel = NEITHER NAMES FIT
Said she doesn't "feel complete?" Not just no surname, but CANNOT be a Centralite? Something is missing.

Pepper grinder broke last night remember
Spice literally tossed a few whole pepperspheres on the broccoli, "there you go"

ADELAIDE FRONTING IN BATHROOM INSTEAD OF "NUMB" FRONTERS???? Absolute game changer
She's like TWELVE. Markedly prepubescent but not a child

Bible study: reading through Matthew MSG
"Don't get stuck on the Nativity again"
DEEPLY INSPIRING & CONVICTING. Dear heavens I love being Catholic, THANK YOU GOD.

Nervous after? As usual. Probably body chemicals.
Triscuit threat
SUGAR VS WRECKAGE = INSIDE VS OUTSIDE THREATS!!!

PAINTING THE MERMAID
Then some of the Sage shirt

DN at 530

Choir Rehearsal!!!
SIMON SON OF JOHN ;______;
Solo compulsion? Why is that such a persistent intrusive thought??

Raining at night, beautiful and quiet.
Got home at 845 WTF DUDE

Crashed from exhaustion. Sat on floor in front of altar.
Made the mistake of opening Tumblr for Tomics, stumbled onto "ex-catholic" blogs that were full of some genuinely disturbing casual heresy
Mom called at like 945????

so screwed up mentally at this point that i just decided to go to bed
In bed for 945 because we're EXHAUSTED from today and have to be up at 645

Heck of a day today.
Quick update to get back into the groove.

Woke up around 8am? In and out of sleep until 10:30. Legit WARFARE against hacks.
Worst part was that, as always, when we're asleep during the day (i.e. whenever there's legit sunlight), we cannot get into a "safe place" of sleep. It ends up in that dangerous liminal space, where you're half-aware but completely loopy and unable to reason. 95% of our hacks happen then, because that's when you can be targeted AS an individual-- many of our night dreams are dissociative, too.
Infi was being used. It was terrifying. Ze was acting... just like ze did in CNC. "I'll do whatever you want me to." That programming ze was born for, tragically. Self-objectification, but never seeing it as such. Just being the "lover" with no thought to self or consequence. Well I fought it, and I-- as confounded as my own consciousness was-- kept telling hir that I didn't want that from hir, ze shouldn't want TO do that, etc.
Somehow we ESCAPED SAFELY. The body woke up, UNHACKED, and within seconds I felt Infi run to me in headspace, throw hir arms around my waist, and sob. It was heartwrenching. Ze felt so small and powerless. Since CNC, ze has lost that "angelic" feeling entirely, which is sadly understandable as ze "fell" very fatally, but it's still disturbing to perceive. Even so I'm glad ze's still alive. I comforted them the best I could.
I don't think Chaos 0 was targeted in the dream, thank God. He's virtually impossible to use; Infi is the exact opposite-- like I said, hir original function was to be a trauma cooperator. Chaos has fought any and all hackers with all his rage since the very beginning.

We went to church, which we could barely concentrate for again because our brain was still super foggy, we were still dizzy & lightheaded, and our body was still twitching and spasming. Honestly we have no clue what's going on and it's concerning.
After mass we did some quick shopping-- we got extra oats, triscuits, and ultima for emergencies, and grabbed a pack of white christmas lights from walmart. Unfortunately, upon getting home we realized they were LED and as such they are cool white, NOT warm, although it says that on the box. But they lean blue, not amber, so we have to return them tomorrow.

Honestly by the time we got home, unpacked, and made food, it was like 330. Breakfast prep, like church, was upsetting and disoriented, and it was hard to even hold or maneuver the utensils due to how floaty our head felt. We kept dropping things, and our dexterity was severely impacted. Talking upstairs was affected too, since our general consciousness was so compromised. I remember telling Laurie that we were "so tired we could cry," from sheer exhaustion. The body was painfully hungry, too.
But, once again, when we started to eat, we had no appetite at all. We were full within five minutes, and then had to fight the urge to throw up from nausea. What gives?
Anyway, I told Xenophon I was determined to keep it down, so I did, but it was rough. The body felt wrecked.
We sat down on the couch and read the materials for tonight's Catechism group. By the time we did so, what with our brain like it was, it was time to leave.

The group itself lasted 2.5 HOURS. It was great, though. Unfortunately-- as usual, due to "social mode" mechanics EVEN in religious contexts (I wonder who fronts for THAT?)-- we do not remember ANY of the discussion. Maybe if we reviewed the papers, we could access some data, but there's like... nothing offhand, just general "feelings" of what we talked about: mentioning that we were "going through a religious crisis," how we were so frustrated with "positive affirmations" in therapy, the problem of "relative truth & morality" in today's culture, and everyone trying to reason out exactly why Jesus flipped the tables if He was "kind and gentle." That last one had us restless; we couldn't put into words what we knew about such an action FROM LAURIE. I know we said "He still loved the money-changers as well as the pilgrims and THAT is why He flipped the tables" but no one seemed to grasp our point. Like sometimes you need an uppercut to the jaw to stop being such a jerk, but it's done out of love. Headspace stuff, haha. Of course we didn't think of that at the time, but the ambient data is making us think of it now. I apologize, our mind is still a mess. Suffice to say it was a good group, but we always feel like we're "blabbering" (whatever we say) and we never feel like ourself.
OH. Other bizarre thing. We were sitting next to one of the guys from church, and since everyone was seated close together, at one point we realized that he "smelled like every other guy we knew" OUTSIDE of the family??? like there was a "typical male" smell? like the same with women. it was SO WEIRD. i'm sorry if this is triggering, it sure was at the time, but it was also strangely comfortable? like although we've never been attracted to men, that particular scent is tied to memories of qlok and even mc. nice guys. but our dad smells different; much less sharp, more leathery. we wouldn't mind if we had that scent, really, especially now that we're on t again. i always joke that "my favorite candles smell like my dad" anyway so hey. but yeah bizarre topic, definitely triggering in some very subconscious brain place, but still an important thing to note.
hm. i wonder if it's so fascinating because of our weird latent obsession with aromachology. but people smell so strange. so different. i'm not used to that. we've had very limited close contact with humans our entire life, so when we are close enough to know what someone smells like, it's very significant actually. and it sticks. it's said that scent is a very spiritual sense, and also that it is the most powerful memory trigger. we can get behind both of those claims for sure.
...we still remember exactly what mel smelled like, as well as qlok. deeply fond of them both. mc smelled like q, but just slightly different enough-- less green, more orange? synaesthetically of course. and tbas too, we remember fragments of that. lots of severe triggers there, but no hard feelings. just sorrow & regrets.
we used to laugh that we could "do laundry with our eyes closed" in the family home because everyone had SUCH particular smells. grandpa especially. mom has that musky-sweet tone that still triggers us, despite its familiarity. grandma's scent CHANGED over the years; when we were young, it was more perfumey (she always wore some), but as she aged, it got softer? it was such a soothing smell. we miss it terribly. but then it changed again when she got cancer and got closer to death. that smell is burned into our brain, heartbreakingly so. we still have the blanket she died in. it's so strange. it smells like her, but not.
weirdly, right now, we cannot remember what our brothers smelled like. not since childhood at least. that's very telling for our brain. and it's clearer when we think of their possessions. like i know what jade's plush whales & spiders smelled like. and i know what diamond's plush seals smelled like. and i know what astra's coats smelled like, because we would always borrow them. it's so strange. i even remember what their hair smelled like. not sure how, haha. but this is all childhood data. of all of them, we liked diamond's scent the most. jade's was very musky, like mom, and astra's leaned too warm-tone? but diamond's was lighter, almost grey at the edges. clean, not sharp.
i couldn't even tell you what this body smells like. the only "scent" we identify with is, again, tied to childhood memory and objects-- notably unisalia, and our grandma's bed. it's more like the scents around us.
but we can't imagine. we can't picture ourself in third person, in a body. every time we try, we remember someone else. and we miss everyone so, so much.
regardless. nothing else to say there for now.


got home for 9pm. exhausted. so hungry and shaky and weak, we could barely think straight.
ate a small dinner, but immediately after we got SO unbelievably nauseous, I almost had to run to the bathroom to throw up. like i was looking for zofran, that's how bad it was. again, what the heck is going on.
it wasn't too bad though. two small purges. nothing painful. we ate a few more triscuits/ evoo/ broccoli to compensate, then did the nightly kitchen cleanup and sat down here to type.

however. most important things.
julie ended up pushed to front DURING the "compensation" meal attempt. not sure who she was talking to? guide voices? but she was out, ALONE, for a few minutes. surreal.
she mentioned to laurie & jay later that "it felt like she was watching the body as a spectator," like although she was in it, "it was running almost entirely on automatic" even so. she felt genuinely sorry for it. said it seemed so lost and confused, helpless. notably said that, seeing it struggle so feebly, she wanted to help take care of it, now, especially after what she did to it in the past.
she's still one of the ONLY foni in the entire system who HAS body access and ISN'T a social-- and many socials DON'T actually have body access, just voice access!! the body has been a helltrigger cesspit for years except when we were about to die from malnourishment, ironically. right now, virtually nobody can front in it as a result of the dyspho/dysmo crashes, and our despair over "getting irreparably old and unhealthy" post-hospital. but that's not a topic to explore tonight. point is, we need to look at it like julie did tonight-- as some poor thing placed in our care, that isn't us, and yet is still inherently and irrevocably attached to us. someone who needs us to take care of her, because nobody else in the world will, as wretched and rejected as she is.
so strange how the body feels like its OWN thing and ALWAYS HAS. like it has the mental capacity of an infant. no verbal communication skills. ironically feels "not human" in contrast to all others. no wonder spine is the nousfoni who anchored into it as its original "ambassador!" GEEZ she needs to come back soon

other notes.
jay was talking to celebi for a decent while, either tonight or this morning. data is fuzzy due to fatigue.
noted that her core-relationship was tied to the JAYCES??? very specific personal tie. can't find that person in the system, due to being bloodline-locked (same-line cores can't co-habitate in headspace?). but we recognize their vibe if we "seek it out" in memory tied to her. not sure if that means he still exists, or not. cores tend to fracture.

this evening, jay talking to xenophon while taking recyclables out as usual. not sure what they discussed. just want to note that their interactions are completely natural and honest at this point, which means a great deal to him. completely overrides body awareness

jay asking God "why did You let this evening happen" effectively. not angry, just distressed. it hurts, it's scary, it makes us ill, why this? what good could possibly come out of this?
the reply: God nudged him to remember the conversation he had with Laurie and Julie as they cleaned up. everyone shaken up and sad and tired. so they were being more honest and real about the struggle of life in general. not sure what they said specifically, but jay has this tendency to "flip" from despair to hope in those situations. still sad, but brightly so? very much his vibe. but they were talking, and i think just generally checking if everyone else was okay, are we taking care of each other, what else can we do for each other, etc. and jay, not even facing her, just says to laurie "i love you." out of nowhere. and she gave him this look. totally caught off guard, and straight to the heart. he remembered that, her expression and the wound-ache of love he felt in return, and heard God (Jesus) say "if that was the sole good that would come out of your suffering tonight, would you agree to suffer through it if you knew?" and jay said, "well yeah." jesus laughed and said "you didn't even have to think about it! but child, that's how i feel about you." etc. basically, sometimes suffering is meant TO bring you to such a humbled broken place that such doggedly honest love can be expressed. jay telling me he felt this sort of heartaching sweet surrender to the fact of it? like, on a small level, he understood Christ kissing the cross, even though He knew it would be agony. it's because He knew how much love was in the carrying nevertheless. He focused on the "joy set before Him", the joy of restored relationship with His friends. etc. little glimpses, we get. but shocking to realize that, even this mistake and stumbling, God could take and use and transmute into something good. like it didn't start that way, but because we refused to give in and still tried, still hoped, still did our best to love, God was able to make it serve His purposes more directly. hard to put in words. but means a lot. like, evil can never get the upper hand, ever. no matter what happens, if we fight the good fight of faith, and offer even our failures to the Lord, He can and will use them as crosses for the victory of Love. important stuff. soul of our system at large. always

last notes. jay says write this down even though he's... reticent? no. "too significant a small thing to be discussed so openly." ah. "something that seems unimportant, even ridiculous, but isn't."
kid i know where this is going
didn't we just come across this same damn topic in an old xanga? from like ten freakin years ago?
why are you still so ashamed to admit love?
well i wasn't today, that's the point, i was blindsided and i wasn't thinking, i was just overwhelmed.
but that's what bypasses the secondhand shame response. that's the real me, you know that.
anyway yeah, i opened up spotify and i was thinking about a certain cephalopod's playlist and it just slammed into me. i can't feel it now due to "thinking too much" but i recognize that wave when it hits.
you were staring at the screen-- through the screen, really-- and you just quietly said, "oh no," haha.
laurie i think i'm falling in love with mimic
not even "might." THAT'S what got me. like you just said it, straight-up. felt more like you than you have in months.
good. because my heart suddenly ached so much i was about to sob. it hit me completely out of nowhere and took the floor out from under me. knocked all my walls down.
geez, i know what that's like. holy swords.
yeah. you can't put up any defenses or facades against it. it hits too hard, too fast. and like it or not, you can't go back to who or where you were before. so... i have no idea what's going to happen, haha. 
but y'know, it's been like that since he showed up. and thank god for that. thank god for him, i mean it. he's been such an unpredictable and unexpected force for good in my life. who would've ever thought.
yeah, well, headspace is weird like that, kiddo. bringing light out of darkness and all that. i daresay we all get that sense of hope from you, sparkboy.
apparently. but... well, my identity is still fractured. we're learning just how split-up cores are, amongst each other. did we discuss that?
no, and we shouldn't be having a mini-xanga in the middle of a freakin' entry at 12:30 in the morning. take a note, then get moving.
good idea. thanks typist voices, i'll get jargon for you soon, love you too, have a good night

thank you you too
about that note
we have discovered, through recent internal interactions between jewel and jay, that there are several coexistent bloodlines AND synergetic cores in our system at ANY GIVEN TIME.
the jewels, the jays, the jessicas, possibly the cannons, etc. now that we're aware of it we're trying to study the phenomenon and figure out its mechanics but it's a new awareness. shockingly sensible and apparent though, once you know what you're looking at.
but this explains a lot of how we functioned over time, how they shift so easily and fluidly between each other, because they are ALL "CORES" IN DIFFERENT RESPECTS, because with how hypercompartmentalized we are, EVEN THE CORES CANNOT HOLD OVERGENERALIZED ROLES. there are different "cores" as "captains" of different life-aspects. this means we might need a better term than "core," as that's something used by the multiplicity community at large, and we like to have entirely unique jargon to our own unique experience.

is there anything else we need to type tonight?
no just health concerns. legit very very scared at how sick we've been feeling over the past week. not sure what's wrong. don't want to go to ER again, like ever, but scared of the symptoms. considering urgent care if it continues to worsen.
oh tomorrow if we don't feel super sick in church again, we are going to get new lights if possible, grab some "optional protein sources" to try at night (we think it's the eggs at night making us sick??? past three times this has happened), and finally pick up our tuxedo for choir. hopefully we can get it all done. tomorrow night is the mental health meeting with the mother which will probably be VERY exhausting, and will force us to eat late again, as we cannot eat in the car or in the same space as her or it is traumatically triggering. we must be smart about this then. so so so tired of this hyperbusy schedule for lent. someone in the back said darkly "then maybe we should go to the emergency room; at least we'd get some rest" yeah but only in theory, what if we're in the waiting room for 9 hours again? and they only give us a hall bed we can't lay down on again? "geez i'm sorry i was just saying" no i know and you're right. sad but true and thank you for speaking up. but we do need rest. don't want to land in the hospital to get it though. not like the old days.

okay gotta sleep it's almost 1am. maybe better rest will help this body too. and prayer. gotta trust God  no matter what happens. jay hold on to that hope and love!! and share it with us all!! that's your real job deep down you said so once i know. laurie says "get to work kiddo" oh pun intended his other job too!! that's all hope too. gosh it feels like we need to type about this more but not now. but "a wealth of untapped information" someone says.
OH we think sherlock and spine are still alive but names faces changed maybe. jobs too somewhat. but there IS someone in grey, maybe "sterling" name now, and lynne wants spine back so badly she's gotta come back soon just from love. jay wants her back too, her job was so important! especially with what's happening now!! so we'll see. and hoping for nathaniel too one day. once we understand green more.
OH also, jay can i say, he said yes, nobody has mentioned yet!! there IS someone green, a girl, when getting body ready for church today. forget why she appeared, no data. some sort of caring job, maybe for the body? but rainforest-green hair. surprising. have not had a green person in a long time!
and we have not mentioned "adelaide." she is the BROWN voice helping the body-cores get the body ready every morning. she has a mood like spice a little, it must be a brown thing? but her color is leaning "hard orange." light tone but warmer. see it clearly in her eyes. and she has real pigtails!! not twintails like julie. the actual braids in the back! which is really interesting. jay says we need jargon for foni like her anyway-- ones who "advise and guide" fronters in the body? something like that.
oh and lastly, we did not mention either, i don't think? our mirror voices! i'll mention them anyway. "blepofoni" jay says. first was natalie, a long time ago, before she died and the body changed too. then in upmc we had alena and jack. now we have iris and jonah! so there you go that's our blepofoni. jay says that's greek. he likes his words.

okay bye everyone!!
see you tomorrow i hope we feel better this is simeon btw i'm still allive still yellow still happy hopeful too.
okay bye gotta sleep!



oh last thing. adding this because jay said so, please write this for me.
...actually hold up. let me write this myself, if i can.
the other day, I was reviewing recent entry tags and I realized that we haven't had an entry tagged with "love" since january. yes the poems i wrote at the library are a blessed addition, but... no daily entries have fit that label. that's deeply disturbing and distressing both.
sorry i can't talk properly. too distracted by body symptoms and stress.
but. what i wanted to say is this:
for like... a week, now? i've been feeling pulled back towards chaos 0. finally. god knows it felt like my heart had been torn out. i was... gosh I don't even know if it was me. there were a few instances, and one significantly notable one at night, when i tried to kiss him and instead a SOCIAL shoved their way out in panicked, scolding shame or fear. "you shouldn't be doing or feeling that," basically. very condemning and callous. unfortunately hyperreligious, but in a hypocritical sense, because they couldn't love God either. poor girls. they're a total mess.
but... it has been hurting ever since. that memory, of that moment when i actually felt my heart light up again towards him, only to be brutishly shoved aside by some tangled-hair sister of mine scolding me harshly, shaming me. shutting me down.
little did they know, it did the opposite of stopping me. i can't forget that light, now. and i've been praying to feel it again since then.
it's been difficult. like i said, since my identity is still a fractured mess post-cnc and post-grandma (not even my timeline; SO MUCH shifted last year, no wonder we're a mess), and i don't even have a true "name" yet in the system (i'm in the jay bloodline currently BUT everyone is wondering if i'm going to hardshift into a NEW bloodline to match this new life era), i can't exactly assert myself, or anchor into a personal overlay, or even visualize myself clearly enough to be with him for long. everything is a blur and it is shattering my soul. his, too, undoubtedly.
...he spoke to me today, at some point, with that absolute ocean-deep tone i haven't heard him use in ages. completely floored me. but it was scary to find that i couldn't properly respond. i was too numb with the identity fracture and confusion. but God knows i wanted to.
God, honestly, please, fix up my heart. purify my love. help me to love him again, to truly reciprocate what he still gives to me every single night. i'm so tired of this emptiness in my chest. this isn't right. this isn't me. lord help me to know who I am, after everything that was before. that's my prayer tonight. help me find my name, and my face, and my color, as I am needed to be now, to be THE cor(e) for this Spectrum, the heart of it, whose very function is love. please. for Your sake even more than ours, help me to be light again. help me to love again.

all right, now i'm off to work. still a shambles, but hey. at least i'm aware of that fact.
simeon's right; there's always hope. and i need to hold on to that, for all of us, because it's not just for me, and neither am i.
a core exists for their system. that's what i truly yearn for. unity, community, compassion and cooperation. love.
God let me be a true part of it again, for the first time.