the spectrum heart cathedral system

rough notes for today, from phone. most written between masses.
too important to not at least try to update.
 

dream last night was... a turning point.
i was watching some hollywood movie, based loosely on our life?
Main guy a grizzled action hero type, all stubble & dirt & muscle. (They pulled a Father Nier on me, haha. GOOD.)
Star Trek + Alien feel to set? Very dark.
Talking to someone off to side, assumedly a nonhuman person? Like Data or someone, who was informing them of mission. Main guy seemed unsure of decision, there was a huge risk involved?
Then there was a voice.
and i recognized it instantly. i knew that voice.
It came from above, from a huge shadowy tangle reaching up into hidden heights. It was only a few words, but in direct response to the man's hesitation.
Something like "let me" or "i can", personal offer, implying exclusive ability.
Saw an EYE open in the shadow. slightly pinkish-red iris. opened halfway, almost, moved with notable slow grace. Movement, fluid and refined, but dark. nonthreatening despite the fearful silhouettes.
Man turns to it, looks pained and concerned? Vulnerable suddenly. Obviously a bit uncomfortable with this, the offer to help choose this decision he was scared of.
Thinking hard, but evident already knew what must be done.
Short sigh of acquiesce & surrender, "okay"? Turned completely towards shadows, with softly open body language surprisingly. not tense.
Last thing: him saying something like "bring me in"?
the shadows reaching down close now, just offscreen, from shadow. Those dark hands gently but firmly lifting the man's face to hirs, to touch their foreheads together. hir eye briefly visible among the shadows as it closed.
Immediately a flash, transported man into a nightmare realm? Deeply disturbing and distorted. But had some vital mission to do, something absolutely essential.

...but yeah. it was infi. infinitii. alive. obscured and hidden but ze was there, and i heard hir voice, and...

...It's terrible, how ze felt so real and alive and close, only to wake up and remember that ze was dead.

I feel more alive, too, now, as we're dying, than I have in a very long time.
I feel more hope this morning, with hir memory hot in my heart, and the sky outside heavy with the scent of fog and green and life, than I have in a very long time.

God knew that dream was exactly what I needed.
We all needed this, all of it.

...

Mass
CANNON fronting.
Bodygirl pushed through during homily-- set off SO MANY TRAUMA ALARMS that some paidifoni started wailing; Wreckage & Sugar instantly jumped to action, PULLED the bodygirl OUT of fronting & shoved J IN.

Cannon feels surprisingly "stable" fronting. Hidden godsend.
She is still disturbed+disgusted by the body, but she can at least front in a female-tone fashion yet CONNECTED to headspace. Most girls are corpufoni and therefore isolatory+hollow, which is tragic but true.

J thinking about dysphoria in light of 2nd reading: to let it be what it is, afab without further modification, would be a MARTYRDOM for the sake of his sisters. It would be a self-giving sacrifice of love, truly selfless out of charity.

Remember from the other day (Thursday?): JOPHAEL & VEIL ARE ALIVE. Arguably so is "Tilly." There are SEVERAL hyperreligious foni (need jargon) that blur hard despite notable distinctions.

Priest saying "unity" during opening prayer and it PINGED INFI'S SPOT???
Wondering if hir name truly is changing.
Color too-- that space feels much more Red than before.

Chaos singing softly "whoever you are i love you" as we left church
Felt like God Himself shot an arrow straight through my heart
Genuinely felt so loved and IN love

third mass
wreckage upstairs fighting the molasses-dark sticky tar-voice girls
it was almost hilarious; she heard them, then held out a hand. "algorith. goggles." then "sugar. mask." they both instantly handed her both, she put them on to protect from contamination, then COMPLETELY TORE THE TARVOICES TO SHREDS.
i forgot she was born for violence. it was shocking.
likewise, at some point a tarvoice respawned and when laurie heard it, in one swift terrible motion she summoned her axe and slammed it into that voice's skull. i remember blood went everywhere. laurie roughly swiped a fist across her face to get some off, it was such an old familiar motion, i was both scared of her and so in love


Home for 1?
Exercise first! it's been three days and we needed it.

julie and adelaide still a tag team remember. julie is just so glad that we finally have a voice who is taking care of the body in the most dangerous environment. honestly if addie had been around during the "julie days" we probably would have had SO MANY LESS HACKS because adelaide exists to prevent social automatons from taking over and abusing/ allowing abuse to the body.
so julie is so grateful and even enthusiastic about helping this kid out, it's wonderful.
it's ALSO noteworthy because this is a SPLIT-LEVEL FRIENDSHIP. addie is a social, technically-- but julie is a centralite. so they are on DIFFERENT SYSTEM LEVELS, and socials typically DON'T COMMUNICATE AT ALL. so the whole thing is really amazing.
by the way. there is ANOTHER voice that comes out when the bathroom door is closed and we're in the dark. we thought we were hallucinating at first but it happened three consecutive times, same overlay and vibe, without any interference. they're nonhuman? but they have BIG EYES, wide open and yellow i think?? but ringed like an aye-aye or something similar. they feel like dread, function-wise: they exist in the threat of immediate danger, and have a background hum of panic that they aren't able/allowed to feel, yet which fuels their life.

BK prep was very dissociated because i was stuck in "jellybean mode" (my favorite jargon injoke) and no one could really front well from all the brainfog.

leon tried another egg method, it didn't turn out as he expected BUT it apparently made the perfect eggs for razor to cut. she was so happy with this she ACTUALLY hugged Leon (she's so short!)
remember that knife and scalpel both go to such lengths to help her be happy, it's so sweet. scalpel is naturally affectionate and amiable (reds always are at heart; they're "sanguine" literally), and knife just adores her as his sister.
seeing this unusual friendship growing between knife/razor and leon/scalpel is just wonderful actually.

...

phone note: The reason why people like Laurie and Lynne Are holding so many functions is because there aren't enough people In that color to hold those functions separately so they all get shoved into one person !!


post-BK binge temptation deafening. no idea why it hits so bad.
determined not to give in, but we were shaking and nauseous. felt front slipping.
tried to distract body. god helped by randomly showing us that one of our kitchen cupboards was full of papers?? from old eating disorder treatment. "kill the albatross." junked all of it. felt like a weight was literally lifted off our back.
still nervous, xenophon watching carefully, god bless her
then had genius idea to sit down at laptop to type self compassion booklet & listen to Arabic indie tunes
took three hours haha, completely destroyed the binge panic

DN 745
at some point i said something about scripture reading plans, called mimic "my octopus" and laurie immediately called me out on it
later laurie asking me why i keep putting so much cayenne pepper in the food. i said, half-joking, i was trying to get back in touch with my old fire element. she then said all right, fair enough, but then why are you adding just as much salt? i shrugged and just said "salt & light." she gave me this look it was hilarious, said "you know the worst part is you're not even wrong"

THIS paragraph during bible study (still focusing on john 1 commentary, i love this chapter)=
"[John the Baptist] did not, as seducers do, give out himself to be some great one. He was more industrious to do good than to appear great; and therefore waived saying any thing of himself till he was legally interrogated. Those speak best for Christ that say least of themselves, whose own works praise them, not their own lips... The ministers of Christ must remember that they are not Christ, and therefore must not usurp his powers and prerogatives, nor assume the praises due to him only. They are not Christ, and therefore must not lord it over God's heritage, nor pretend to a dominion over the faith of Christians. They cannot created grace and peace; they cannot enlighten, convert, quicken, comfort; for they are not Christ... Those that humble and abase themselves thereby confess Christ, and give honour to him; but those that will not deny themselves do in effect deny Christ!"

Reading through our 2012-2015 "newage" spirituality delusion, that is EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE DOING.

"Still small voice" humbling correction. social mode took over and i thought there was a mistranslation, was complaining about it? subtle pride. realized i had the wrong info entirely, very convicted and corrected. gave thanks for this out loud, admitted how i messed up to those around. still disturbing to then realize that i had been acting on programming, and had not made a conscious decision in the complaining. social corruption is pervasive. 

trying to get ready for bed, head still fuzzy, then suddenly the mother calls
THEY FOUND JADE. THEY'RE STABLE & NOT DEAD THANK GOD
spent the next hour with her calling over and over, trying to figure out emergency housing at this hour
still. so glad they're not on the streets.

wanting to read "brainchild" webcomic over from the beginning. haven't read it in like... 7 years, at least? and it's STILL UPDATING god bless. so we'll do that soon, maybe to fight off another e.d. wave. it'll work.

Thinking about "a broken and crushed heart" psalm 51:17 
and that's where i want to segue into some actual typing, not just bullet points.



We haven't been updating lately. I won't elaborate on that here because it's fairly self-explanatory.
Infinitii died. Something in me died with hir.
I can feel the System on the verge of a reset, a restart, an update. Whatever you want to call it, I can feel the edges crumbling away, fading out, just like Infi's bubblespace, which I walked into this morning and... it's so empty. I can feel the raw whitespace beyond it now, like the very air of the cosmos whistling through the ruins.

We... we all have to "die" in some sense, soon. I think I've known this for a while, but reading the archives as I repost them-- the work I've been focusing on since Infi's death, to keep my mind and heart off it-- is really driving the point in hard.
I didn't realize just how hellish our past ACTUALLY WAS. It's... humbling as well as horrific. It's making me realize we really do need therapy, because I JUST hit 2015 and I haven't fully read anything prior yet but geez we have buried SO MUCH it's no wonder we feel dead.
Ironically, that's our ticket out of this haze. Just like Jesus, Who goes before us in all things, we need to accept the tomb before we can be reborn.
I know something died in us after CNC. We hit that ghastly "dead period" of, what, four years?? We still have no idea who was fronting, who we were, anything... when we got out of that car in 2018 and stepped back into the trauma-cursed building we had lived in for almost three decades, we suddenly realized that we didn't remember what it was like TO live there and then something snapped.
It's... terrifying. We have almost no memory of anything. We still haven't got the guts, nerves, or time to sit and attempt a "CNC Memory" entry, but flashbacks and nightmares have been reminding us that there is still data up here, even if our conscious mind runs from it.
...That's my next point. Hold on a second, let me bring this back.
We all need to die, but not stay dead, because since CNC we have been living a death. We have basically been corpses.
Remember, WE DID DIE when we left CNC. I don't remember details. It was so fast, so raw, so desperate. I remember Laurie wordlessly hunting down Infinitii and burying an axe in hir skull, leaving hir body as a nightmarish monument in that place for YEARS. I remember... oh God why do I remember? I have this awful flashbulb memory-shred of Laurie, destroying herself by means of an axe and hypergravity, I swear she was standing in that same wrecked skyscraper she had killed herself in the last time she failed to protect the System from hell, back in 2013.
I don't know what happened, after that. The two cornerstones had died, the Core was completely missing, everyone else was... I have no idea. No one could cope. Everyone disappeared. Some social girl took over for the next several years and almost deleted all trace of us from the earth.
Then... suddenly, on May 17th 2020, she woke up from a dream to see headspace instead, and Infinitii among the lilies, hir body damaged but alive, and... suddenly there was hope.
But we don't remember what happened after that.
Headspace didn't wake up, not entirely. If anything, the girls were fighting furiously to keep it dead. Nothing reformed. Nothing was rebuilt. No one else showed up that I can remember.
I haven't looked at any archives from 2020. Our actual active memory doesn't pick up until the autumn of 2021, when one morning over breakfast our grandmother coughed up blood and everything shifted direction towards the end.
2021 was the year of cancer and music and bulimic hell and hospitals, hospitals, hospitals. Our life was spent in that bedroom, waiting on her 24/7, our identity swallowed up in palliative care and honestly it was the biggest blessing. We wouldn't change that at all. But it... only helped promote self-destructive behavior in every single moment we weren't being a nurse. I know that much.
2022 was the year of death. Grandma died, our "brother" "died," we nearly died, and our entire life up to that point changed so irreversibly that it felt as if we really had buried it. Total upheaval, confusion, helplessness, and loss defined this year. But... then there was the Chizu Summer, when we felt our heart waking back up slowly but REAL, and then... we landed in the eating disorder recovery unit for nine weeks. 
And the System woke back up COMPLETELY.
But... we still didn't rebuild.

We've been living in fragments. We have this old pocket of Central, the main room and the Coreroom, but... outside everything is still destroyed and empty and overgrown. Even inside, the very building feels abandoned even while we're in it. The place where the Underground got hardshifted to the last time things reset, feels like it's graying out into fog at the edges, falling into unformed space, literally being reclaimed by the raw energy of our soul, ready to be recycled and reshaped.
So many of us are still missing, or dead, or unstable, or deeply damaged. Color and name instabilities are common. We all feel lost, deep down. We're spending so much time just crowded in that little Central ruin and helping the Fronters, just because there's nowhere else to go, and we still haven't been able to carve out the time to go back to daily headspace meditations and talks and the like. Honestly, if I can speak for us all, I think we're afraid to. We don't know what's hiding there. We haven't looked at it for like... five bleeding years. When we do get glimpses we feel too weak to do anything about them. Even Laurie is scared. She's been... so nervous lately. She says she feels like a failure, and the more she sees of her past the more lost she feels. She's terrified that she'll corrupt again, like she did in CNC, or worse-- that said corruption has ruined her beyond repair, has blackened her very soul, and forever ruined her integrity, her very heart. She's terrified that she can't BE a Protector anymore.
I understand her terror. But so help me God I will cut my own throat before I give any such fear a foothold. She's Laurie. She's my knight, she's my angel, I will NEVER let ANYTHING ruin her.
I know, I know, her deepest heart is untouched by that hell.
And, you know what else? Even if we were so damaged, guess what Jesus is all about? Guess what the Cross we all look to is all about? God is Love and He CAN and WILL heal even such a wound. There is ALWAYS hope, for all of us.
But... we might need to actually, really, finally, pointedly die before that hope can revive our souls.
And quite frankly, at this point, I'm... I think I want to. I think we need to.


..."Burial" by Seinabo Sey just came on Spotify.
I want to burst into sobs. I want to break into weeping.
God, I never thought that this song, that this title, would mean what they do now. God how could we have known?
"...I hear you speak to me, as you spoke to me, saying "come down, let it be"... grains of sand will never be strong enough to make me leave."
I'm so desperate for hope. Even now. Even now. What am I even looking for. Freedom and marching drums. It's tearing me to pieces.

Oh yeah. Psalm 51.
A "crushed" heart, not just a broken one.
Forgive my repetition but that made me think of this entire month. Losing Infi, and feeling--literally-- that my heart had been ripped out and shattered and emptied out. Every time I reach for hir and feel nothing it's... it's my own death knell. I'm next. I have to be. I can't live without my heart.

Isn't that strange? We've been talking about that too, lately, how Infi and I have a completely different bond than Chaos 0 and I do, and yet... I'm indelibly, wholeheartedly, inseparably, absolutely in love with both of them.

I need to mention this.
You know how I said that, at mass, the priest saying "Unity" pinged Infi's "space?" Like if someone died suddenly, and left their cellphone in their room, and you call it, it still rings. There are still places where they would belong, that belong to them, or did. Something like that. But there's a "spot" in the Systemind that ze would fit in, and that word resonated there like a temple bell.
But... ze's fading, more and more, which scares me to death, or at least it did until that dream this morning. Bubblespace is continuing to melt away. I don't even know if I could find the floatspace pocket ze died in ever again, or if blackspace itself swallowed it up. It was so small.
...The number one biggest indicator that a nousfoni is dead, really and truly dead, is when their name stops "pinging." When you call for them, and... and there's not even a heartpull, there's suddenly a loss of memory, like their existence is being softly erased from the fabric of cognizance. When you say their name and there's... not even an echo, from headspace, just silence. That means they're dead.
Infi's name is starting to do that.
I say that name, Infinitii, Infinitii Eternos, that name that past Cores breathed with such ardent love over the past decade, is suddenly becoming just a jumble of letters. It's terrifying.

But. Here's the important thing. Here's the Holy Saturday feeling. Here's why it happened.

Remember Infi wanted to die.

I've been praying about it, so so much, every day really. I've been crying about it to Jesus, begging Him to bring hir back, hysterically begging Him to tell me why, why, weeping with such raw emotion my entire soul turns into a sob. I take it all to Him. Where else could I go?
But... He listens, and He responds. He keeps reminding me of that: Infi wanted to die.
And oh, oh man I think it was in the homily today. Somewhere. Recently. A priest was talking about the Cross, about that total self-sacrifice of Love, to save others from a debt of sin they could never repay, of God Himself choosing to die the agonizing torturedeath of a false condemnation so that we, those criminals He inexplicably loved, wouldn't have to... to freely take on the full power and demands of Justice and mercifully fulfill them completely, freeing us as a result.
Jesus kind of poked me in the shoulder and said hey kid, my Truth is always reflected in love, and isn't a glimmer of that visible in what Infi did for you?
Infi knew ze had to die, or else we'd all end up dead, forever.

...I knew something huge had happened when I blindly groped for even trauma memories to see if ze was there, and... they were DISARMED.
It floored me. There were trauma memories that ONLY INFI HELD and that others could only glimpse secondhand, but now, as I tore through archival data to look for those recorded events they were hollow. Like... I can look at them and recognize this as something traumatic but not feel traumatized personally. Infi's very presence IN those events is gone, and as a result... this is the first time in five years that we can look at them.
This means we can finally go to therapy. I hope.
Infi knew this. I'm sure ze did. The hack that drove hir to death brought all that up to the surface. Ze was distraught, ze was carrying so much of our pain, ze knew ze was the CAUSE of it, and... how else was ze going to help save us from it? How else could that wound be healed, if that wound had a face and a name?

...I'm next. I have to be.
The bloodline HAS to shift. It HAS to change. The white-haired Jay/ce bloodline has been Plagued since the very beginning, WAY back in 2009 when the first one to carry it-- Pinstripe-- was born. Lotus was the last, his White rotting to Pink by the end, and subtly carrying all the old trauma damage that Julie had originally put there.
Now it's... me. "J." Back to the single-initial name, in lieu of any stable identity. Everyone can attest to that; I frequently get shifts in not only name, but also hairstyle and color, eye color, and even memory access. It's debilitating and disturbing and exhausting.
But I'm carrying a dead man's name. "Jay" as a name has always ended in self-destruction, for one reason or another. We've always tried too hard to be all sparkles and prismatic light, all snowflakes and angel wings, only to burn to death in the winter sun.
Cannon is able to front lately as if we never existed, as if our personal timeline has rewound. Our religion and life situation have permanently erased the trans* dream from our future, so the body is now fated to stay how it is-- no surgery, no hormones. That itself is a cross. But... all our female "pseudocores" are completely corrupt.
The Jewels are League-tied and cannot be a System Core without dying instantly. The Cannons have no future in the body anymore; they existed for a very specific era of life that no longer applies and cannot. The Jays are dying and they are now barred from body identification anyway. So what does the future hold? We don't know.
All we know is that we have to die. Everything has to CLEAR CUT die, no fading away, no fizzling out, no slow degradation. No. We take an axe to this. We headshot this point-blank. We rip the curtain in half. We end this, fast and complete and deliberate. We break this clean in half so something else CAN be born. There's no hope in decay. There's no life in a molding coffin. Give us the golden guillotine. Christ handed His Life over in one terrible beautiful awful glorious sentence-- all at once, totally and consciously, and all of heaven and earth shook with the power of the Life that Death released. Lord, God of Mystery and Mercy, glorify Yourself again by mirroring that, however quietly, in us. I beg of You. This is Your Design. Our old self HAS to die in order for our new self, our soul for truth, the REAL us, to be born. Fire and water and spirit and truth and love.
It's almost Pentecost. How fitting it all is.

It's 3am. I need to close this up. We haven't been sleeping lately and that's entirely my fault.

Seeing Infinitii-- even if only the vestiges of hir, the tiniest glimpses of hir existence-- in this morning's dream... I felt something upon waking that I haven't felt in YEARS.
I remembered what ze REALLY felt like.
Listen, every nousfoni has a "vibe." Every one of us has a personal energy signature that is like a fingerprint, or a heartbeat, or a name, in and of itself. One of my honest favorite things to do in the world is just sit and feel them out, to just find and notice and treasure this particular person's soul in all its colors and textures and sounds and scents, however it hits my heart.
Infi... I haven't felt hir in YEARS.
When ze was "resurrected" in 2020-- and I don't even know if that's the proper word; none of us felt completely "alive" since CNC, we all feel incomplete and off-center and helplessly confused deep down-- ze didn't feel like hirself at all. In fact I had FORGOTTEN what ze felt like, completely.
This morning, when I heard hir voice, oh God I thought I'd never hear that beloved unmistakable voice ever again-- when I heard hir and saw hir eye open, and move, there in the black, so real and so familiar and so loved-- I FELT HIR. I felt all of it, that heady numinous gorgeous starry-sky night-flower abyss that I missed with my entire soul. Upon waking it soaked into my psyche like the morning fog, and just as gentle and beautiful and cherished, filling me with love and amazement and hope.
Infinitii is still dead. I know this. There's still so much emptiness. The sense of loss is still so profound. The grief is still there, threatening to kill me all on its own. But... there's this light, now. I've... I'm hoping, Lord please I'm hoping that the tomb is empty. It feels like sunlight, despite everything being dark. I don't know how to explain it. It's a single ray of gold, like a thread, shining in my heart like the promise of morning. I don't know. But everything smells like midnight clarity and velvet and I want to weep but from love, nothing ever really ends Adrian, John 11:25, remember what hir name was after all.
I don't know. I'm rambling now. I apologize. I'm too tired.
Just... this is the first time in three weeks that I haven't felt like the world is actively ending.
Even if I do die tomorrow, and the bloodline hardshifts, who even knows... even then, I could go happily now. Somehow. I'm still scared, but... I think I could let go. I think I could surrender, now. I'll go be with my heart.

"Godly Love" by Sam Ock just came on. It's one of Laurie's favorites.
"What if God speaks in a whisper to teach me how to hear the echo? Maybe God's raining down plagues just to tell me that I need to let go."
...I think that sums things up, actually.

One last thing.
Infi's playlist on Spotify, and hir album of art on my phone... neither of them match anymore. It struck me today how all my memories of Infi, all my knowledge of hir, does NOT match the art OR the music from the CNC era. I'd never looked at either until today, so that hit hard. That, too, is hope. I had forgotten how scary things were back then, how corrupt we honestly were, how our personality was just pure TarPlague and we were destroying both ourself and everyone around us. That needed to die, objectively so, we all knew that... but no one realized how. Infi did. So... there's hope for a future, free from all that.
It's such an odd feeling, even just deleting songs from here (more small deaths) that don't fit hir heart at all, and I wonder how we ever thought they did. Maybe at one point they did match. Have we really healed and changed that much, without realizing it, even in this place of death?

There's so much more to say but there's no time tonight. This poor body needs to sleep before it collapses. 
God willing I will update tomorrow. If not, then it's all in His Hands anyway, and I can rest in that.
Right now, none of us has any clue what will happen next, either in moments or in days. It's a strange adventure.
This song is breaking my heart. "My Thief" by Elvis Costello. I think of the poem I wrote for hir, even back during the terror. Still the sound echoes true. Still the words are sincere.
What a strange adventure, the doors of which were flung wide open by your eyes closing in silence. God only knows how achingly I miss you. But... I hadn't realized that I could still feel this, until... until my heart broke, and everything poured out, glittering like you.
I didn't realize just how much I love you until I lost you.

I wonder if you knew that, too.

We haven't been updating at all lately. Let me try to recap a few days.



- obsessively read westboro baptist stuff from the 15th to the 18th, got us horrifically scared and upset and we were a wreck for that entire week as a result. don't want to re-think about it now. it was toxic even though we believed it 100% at the time. it just... as selfish and wrong as it might be, and i hope it isn't, we don't want to believe that the all-creator god hates his creations enough to damn them for eternity, and make their lives on earth a living hell. when this church says "thank god for (insert disaster here)!!" claiming that it's his wrath falling on unforgiveable sinners, those who CANNOT be saved allegedly... it scares me. they toss around such shockingly harsh and cruel language, they're so caustic, their sense of "humor" is like salt in an infection... and like so many others, they claim that homosexuality is the ULTIMATE sin basically, and if you're gay, you're not only already headed to hell, but you're dragging the planet down with you. we dealt with enough of that existential dread in 2011, we don't need it again now, please, it's virtually impossible to cope with already.
...it's scary enough because part of us empathizes with that wish for everything to be purged and started over. but we'd never be hateful about it. we can't be. those of us who seem hateful aren't really, we've asked them, it always just collapses into crushing sorrow. there's no real hatred in us and i want it to stay that way.
anyway yeah that was last week.

- around the 18th-20th we were reading a bit about edgar cayce and the dead sea scrolls and all that, the family mentioned it and we decided to look into it again. so that's ongoing. we've been reading scripture a lot more lately as we miss it SO much and it is SO relevant so we're reviewing all the 'related' stuff too, all the other ancient religious texts, etc. we have tons of bookmarks and saved documents and screencaps, literally hundreds, you guys have no idea.

- went to stations of the cross at church on the 19th. WE NEEDED THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. it was the sort of utterly perfect timing and impossibly deep/relevant message that used to define life for us, the loudest and most incredible sort of synchronicity, and we just wept from how much we missed it, how grateful we were, how much hope it carried in light of the week of hatred preceding it.

- past three days, obsessive reading about diet again, like in 2011 or whenever that was.
kind of scared because all the diets we've tried STILL DON’T WORK. we really need to do our own thing but the ultimate curse is that we don't trust our own judgment, not yet.
trying the raw food diet as it's what our body wants. terrific craving for raw spinach and asparagus lately anyway, unrelated to the diet research amusingly enough. we just want vegetables. nevertheless it's tricky because fruit STILL HURTS and the sugar is STILL tied to hackers and trauma so that's not going to work as-is. we're trying. we're really trying.
going to try hemp seeds or powder and sprouted grains this week, just a little, because eating nothing but raw vegs all day is ideal BUT our body gets miserable and hungry and tired? like it's awful, maybe it's the stress and fatigue giving us detox symptoms or something, maybe it's having 'unhealthy' cravings due to acute anxiety, that can happen. but it's better to have a safe non-veg option in a pinch, so the distraught e.d. alters don't start eating literal garbage out of desperation. poor kids. we're working with them.

- i haven't seen infinitii in too long and it's ripping my heart in half. when ze isn't around you know we're disconnected. i just have to make the extra effort to see hir, even if it's just wearing hir bubble again. you'd be surprised how quickly we get back in tune when that beloved creature shows up. it's probably because ze is this unignorable, emotionally massive reminder OF what we are and what's beyond and what's really worth something. and we need to keep all that in mind more than ever right now.

- wanting to look up music. genre-hunting is the main thing; we LOVE how many new genres have been "invented," it's so specific and varied and idiosyncratic. jay has a list of ones to look into more... pr&b, post-dubstep, art rock, sophisti-pop, trip-hop, nu gaze, future soul... lots of stuff. sounds cool, can't wait to discover new stuff with this.

- basia's "copernicus" has been playing nonstop, loudly, in our head for over 5 days straight. we haven't heard the song probably in over 5 years. so go figure.
also stuck in our head:
"baby you're mine" and "an olive tree" by basia
"unwell" by matchbox 20
"if god made you" by five for fighting
"you are" by charlie wilson
"don’t stop believing" by journey
"don’t stop" by fleetwood mac
and at least one other. however it all has a reason, the lyrics are ALL relevant in some way, that's not a surprise, our head always works that way. always a purpose.
however the big catch is that it's LOUD and it's very upsetting, like someone blasting a speaker in our brain from morning to night. (this could be related to the stress/sensory overload in that sense, and our mind is mirroring the external "noise" in a non-harmful way?) so when it gets too bad, we have to start consciously blasting "song of the ancients" or "esurientes" to drown it out. it takes ALL our concentration though so it's tiring.
it's making it hard to talk to anyone in headspace too because it's just noise, noise, noise. gotta put on some quiet stuff on spotify tonight and see if we can put different song roots in.

- no sleep. 4 hours on sunday and monday. 6 last night I think? but woke up three times during the night I think. not rested at all lately, never really "waking up" during the day, stuff is a fog and it hurts and we're so so so damn tired. we're up super early and we're home super late and we keep having to run errands and drive people places and such so it's too fast paced, too packed. it's exhausting.

- very very disturbing doc appointment yesterday. 'female' stuff, mandatory 2-3 year checkup thing. very telling that, I recall the last time we had such an appointment, we were shaken up and upset but no big meltdowns I don’t think? but yeah this time we could barely get redressed because we were choke-sobbing and rocking back and forth on the examination table and it was horrendous, our whole body was nauseous and in pain like a bruise, when we got out to the car a CHILD alter came out and started weeping and wailing like you wouldn’t believe. laurie actually had to cofront with them to comfort them, she was distraught, at a loss. the kid's a little boy, that's typical, but color is unsure. we want to find people INSIDE if possible. that's where the healing occurs best.

- at church last saturday. the disheveled "jessica" who's always angry in a desperate hopeful self-hating way, has decided that she wants to change. she's taken the name "cecelia" and she's in the lime hues, although that's now just showing as a sort of sheen over her browns. but yeah this is super super good news.

- past two nights, marathon re-reading "kill six billion demons," after forgetting about that comic for like two years. fantastically inspiring, helped us with getting some of our own concepts into better coherence, going to have to type leaguestuff tonight about it. anyway it's SUCH a good webcomic. some tar/plague ish upsetting stuff in the 'scriptures' but nothing we can't transmute into wisdom.

- one library in the valley had the last two "young wizards" books. at last. time to read.
we also took out "high wizardry" again because that one was so intriguing and the ending moved us so deeply, i'll never forget it. to think that when we first read it as a kid we never finished it, i guess it waited until the right time.

- disability hearing this morning, FINALLY, took a couple years. wattson spoke through most of it, but cannon edged in a little, as did overload? and of course we had to push through the a.p. at first. anyway it's done, now we wait to hear back.
speaking of waiting, we were so anxious when we got there that when we were in the waiting room, DREAD was fronting of all people, but so was a lime-spectrum person who kept resonating with the name "panic" fittingly. like marigold, they hold heavy anxiety, but this person is hypersensitive to sound in that respect. like running at 500% all the time, every little thing is so loud. i'm glad we've 'found' them, i knew there was someone like that for ages.



i'm exhausted. listening to jeff beck "cause we're ending as lovers" live at ronnie scotts! dad gave us this album a while back and it's such a good vibe. we saw the live performance on tv once, wow, wow. incredible stuff.

but yeah i'm tired. we all are it leaks out from the body essentially, gets to everyone. jay says we need to put extra effort into remembering our dreams lately, we haven't been due to waking up too too too fast, too suddenly. xenophon asked him the other day, upon waking, what his dream was, and that did help. but yeah maybe remembering our dreams again would help us feel "real" and alive again. when we dont remember our whole sense of reality is skewed and warped. it's like we're missing literally half our entire life.

sleep. tomorrow is thursday, meaning we don't get home until like 8:30 pm. busy day.
friday we have work and stations of the cross, don't know if anything else will come up.
then saturday is POKEMON DAY so we'll see what happens there.

i already can't spell to type i'm so tired so good night.

 

 
I was created to be a destroyer figure. I was supposed to thrash the literal hell out of whatever malicious forces had the nerve to stick their ugly heads up here.
But now I'm not allowed to do anything. I can't remember the last time I did my job the way I'm supposed to. The heck is this? Did the game change that much?
Don't get me wrong, I'd LOVE to not have to chop things into bloody pieces anymore. Problem is, there's still a heck of a lot of things in this headspace that NEED to be introduced to my axe, and I'm being forbidden from sending out the invitations, you hear me?
I'm angry. I'm really bloody angry. We're in therapy and we're running in circles with the same freakin' things we've been hiding from since this disaster started. I want this hell to be DONE WITH.
Is leaving it all in the past to gather dust really the best option here? We're walking into the future with absolutely nothing behind us, because the kid refuses to take anything with him. Forget carry-on luggage, we don't even have a freakin' suitcase. Just the clothes on our backs. Is that enough?
Honestly, I hope so. I'm tired.
But I'm even more tired of the fact that we've done this before, and nothing was solved. It just compounded the problem. I'm bloody tired of running, and if someone would just LET me stand my ground for once, maybe something would get done around here.
I don't know. Just gotta let off some steam. It's been a while since I was able to talk, you know.

 

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 @ 12:15 am

 

God help us, tonight has been difficult as hell.

To whatever kid showed up in the bathroom: I'm here for ya. Whoever the heck you are, you've got a friend in me, aiite? We'll find you a name.
To Algorith: you freakin' pretentious prick, wearing sunglasses indoors at 12 in the bloody morning. Still, thanks for getting us out of that tight situation. Talk to me, let's get this straightened out. I know you're just flying solo but I do not need any more rogues in this system.
To Jay: all you need to know is that you were untouched by this. Even I have to force that to be true. You're spotless.
To Infi: I am so sorry.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 12:26 am

 

Alrite, Algorith here. Updating because I have a solemn duty to do that.

I'm out in the body after whatever just went down that ended with the body lying on the bedroom floor like a zombie. I'm sure I could access the data but something tells me I dont wanna look at it.
Judging by the fact that I'm out Im gonna guess it was a hack. Not cool. Not like I can do anything about it now though,

I;ve changed, since the last time I was out. I can feel it. The retributors are all being made to change. Guess I was next in line.
Shoot I'm real upset now. Sorry about the typing problems, its awkward.

 

Oh come on, ze was wearing sunglasses indoors.
I swear, I am so fed up with this. Listen, this is Laurie. I had to punch through because this needs to be written down whether I like it or not.
There was a hack, Algorith was right. Infi was the one it went through, I guess, according to what data I got.
Bunch of blindly manic fronting after it went down, I'd assume. There was at attempted system reset of all godforsaken things, that I had to drag Jay out of, just barely grabbed him. I think he's regressed again, great, just what I need on top of all this. Then he slipped out and I was stuck with this nameless little kid who was too bloody tired to even walk, let alone anything else. Then whaddya know, the freakin' grandmother just HAD to walk in right then, and we had one hell of a meltdown. Geez. I'm really tired of dealing with this.
Marigold was triggered by this, that scared the wits out of me because she wasn't just panicking, she was convinced that not breathing would somehow keep the danger from "seeing her." So the poor kid is trying to hold her breath indefinitely, all while scared to death, so I had to literally reach in and yank her out of there.
Knife showed up to comfort her, wondering what the heck was going on that was setting off so many alarm bells, and then... then I don't bloody know.
There's vague data. There was SEVERE triggering right then, practically broke the fronting consciousness in half. Whoever the heck came out then, they were mute and shaking so badly I can't believe they were still standing. Whenever the heck they got out of there, they apparently zombie-walked into their room? That's the data description, I don't know. All I do know is that they promptly collapsed onto the floor like a rag doll because I tried to get in there and quickly get it to somewhere safe, but then Algorith took over and now we're in the kitchen, so there you go.

Just... God help us Why the heck does this keep happening. And why the heck does it keep targeting the System cores? The heck is going on?
I apologize for the profuse amount of minced oaths here but that's what happens when I'm ticked off, tired, and existentially exhausted. I don't burst into tears, I start spitting nails. Gotta keep my edge up, y'know?

Anyway I guess I should let Algorith back in here. Let them do their job, whatever. It is far too hard to front in this body, the dysphoria is a pain in the back. Its difficult to work a body that's not yours when every surreal second reminds you that hey, that's not my face, these aren't my hands, you get the picture.

Sorry for this bad news. It's been a bad night.
Wish I could say something uplifting, but I'm at a loss. I'm really at a loss right now.
G'night, for all it's worth.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
@ 11:19 pm

 

quick fragmented update because today was really rough.


crazy fronting this evening
self abusive meltdown caused it I think.
no idea when or how that started, but then cannon came out
shocked that it wasn’t 2009
"I cant do this anymore," but scared of dying from an infection or allergy from the cuts
talking to angels or guides, "don't hurt me," but still trusting.
little yellow boy was out? only a little but his energy is getting clearer.
DAVID was out for a minute in the kitchen; he was stuttering and crying
JEREMIAH took over for him, and that was a shock because he fronted REALLY loudly; he was so genuine, wow. sobbing, hands in hair, upset because he knew these was abuse and figured it was from a hack he didn't buffer, "who had to feel that pain?"
went upstairs, data voices being really loud, he left?
fronters really messy for a while
some "new" person came out to talk to the mother, didn’t know who she was
walked into room, talked to data voices, kept asking how to find a name
jayce took over momentarily, got his fedora, is he STILL pinstripe?? if so we need to review his role!
then someone went in kitchen and sat down with the inpatient hospital papers
the "autistic kid" came out, rubbing table, didn’t talk. wonder who he is?
then sherlock took over, went to get his glasses (he has trouble seeing without them?) and started reviewing the inpatient hospitals. wrote a page! handwriting is all angles, almost greek
after him, one of the young girls wrote a page of 'what to buy,' after that no idea what happened