the spectrum heart cathedral system

FINALLY A FREE DAY

Dream with the System and DAENGELS!!!
Little girl stealing my phone
Wreckage & Laurie
Lynne & Julie & Leon
INFINITII, LETHE, & MEDALLION


Father Jackson's homily had me WEEPING IN CHURCH

EUCHARIST DROP.
Agonizing to see Him there. Was about to run over and eat Him but a man pointed Him out to the Priest.
Was I wrong to wait?

Christmas tree decorating problem = mom's old poinsettia decorations have this HORRID odor to them from storage.
Ah well, now I get to buy my OWN ornaments!

Accidentally FROZE the hemp hearts, haha. Maybe they will taste even better, we shall see.

23 HOUR FAST ONCE AGAIN

Stupidly tried to eat an apple after dinner
Threw it up as usual, total panic. Fruit both hurts physically and terrifies me mentally.
Ashamed, crushed, angry, grieving, despondent
At least God was merciful. I was able to eat a bag of broccoli to replace half of what i lost.
still. miserable.


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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%203&version=NET

3:9 Heb “He has made my paths crooked.” The implication is that the paths by which one might escape cannot be traversed.
[The vast majority of "crooked"="avah"'s uses refer to perversity and iniquity, something "distorted"– or even "convulsed" as in intense pain. The word "paths"="nathiyb" implies a well-worn road, one walked frequently, comfortably, and without variance. Together, in the suggested context of the author's seeking escape from suffering, this verse suggests to me that all his old coping methods have been, due to this judgment on his sin, rendered utterly ineffective. His "nathiyb"s, however familiar and successful they were in the past, roads down which he ran to flee the voice of his conscience, were now "made" crooked by God through the power of conviction via punishment. In his agony, the author could no longer find consolation in his old methods, because the pain and shame he was now feeling was so intense and gut-deep that it proved, by its abstemious influence, just how "crooked" his paths HAD been all along. "God" therefore did this, because without His intervention, those paths would have "stayed straight"... at least, to feet used to stumbling about in iniquity, to whom a crooked walk was normal, those paths would have been smooth. God simply upended that perverse perspective with the Truth, by forcing him to sober up and face reality. He could now hear his conscience crying out loud and clear, unmuffled by anodynic attempts, as inescapable as the siege itself.] 

3:11 Or “he made my paths deviate.”
[See previous. Ironically, the deviation is now from the author's own will and hopes. The word used, "sur," means not only "turning," but also "departing" or "removing." God is making him turn back to his LORD, by removing his willful paths, and forcing him to depart from his old ways. By imposing a different direction upon the author's life, by the devastation he is now enduring, God is compelling him to "deviate from deviation," essentially– to "return" to God's path, the path of Truth, and abandon his own crooked one.]


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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%203&version=NET

3:13 Heb “sons of his quiver.” This idiom refers to arrows. The term “son” (ben) is often used idiomatically with a following genitive, e.g., “son of flame” = sparks, “son of a constellation” = stars, “son of a bow” = arrows, “son of a quiver” = arrows, and “son of threshing-floor” = corn.
[This is such a beautiful idiom. ...I also wonder, unsurprisingly, if it has any relevance to the System.]

3:13-14 The Hiphil stem of (boʾ, lit., “cause to come in”) here means “to shoot” arrows... "He made the arrows of His quiver enter my inward parts".
Heb “[into] my kidneys.” In Hebrew anthropology, the kidneys are often portrayed as the most sensitive and vital part of man. Poetic texts sometimes portray a person being fatally wounded by the Lord shooting arrows in his kidneys. The equivalent English idiomatic counterpart is the heart, which is employed in the present translation: "He shot his arrows deep into my heart."
[...this verse ruins me. pun intended.]

"God took careful aim and shot His arrows straight through my heart."
"He pierced my heart with His arrows."
"He drove into my heart the arrows of his quiver."
"Behold, He has caused His arrows to enter into my heart."
"He brought the sons of His quiver into my heart."
[...there's a gutpunch of significant nuance in the evolving action verbs here. God "shoots", "pierces," and "drives into"– violent, agonizing terms, words of war and slaughter– but He also, simultaneously even, "causes to enter" and "brings into," language that transforms those exact same arrows from weapons to welcome guests, directed and accompanied by God Himself. And yet, they are still being fatally plunged into my most vital organs. This is the awful paradox of love and terror, the beloved anguish of an intimate wound, even when dealt out decisively for devastation. I don't know how to deal with it. God shot his Arrows into my heart as a killing blow, as an act of irreversible judgment against my spiritual prostitution, with every divine intent of annihilating that life as a result, and yet... and yet I still loved them. I still love them. Our relationship was doomed because of our sinful lifestyles and yet I still loved them. I brought down calamitous curses upon our little household because of my uncontrolled vices and yet I still loved them. I was just as much a weapon of God against them as they were to me, both of us dealing incurable damage to each other by God's wrathful Hand without ever intending to do so ourselves, and yet... and yet I still loved them, even when I hated them, even when I ran away from them to submit to the birth family, even when I shut off my emotions and forgot about them for over a year. Even when God uprooted our relationship and walled off all the roads to return, even when He "made all my paths crooked" as I tried to find you again, even when I'm still bleeding out from my internal organs and am punished by never being able to help you heal from what you suffered at my hands... even now, even now, in agony and regret and rage and fear and unbearable grief, even though now I know our relationship was killing me, I still love you. God shot His Arrows into my heart, and no matter what I do, I cannot get them out... and I don't think I want to.]


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https://biblehub.com/hebrew/4844.htm
maror: Bitter herb

• Discipleship: Teaching on maror encourages believers to accept that sanctification often includes seasons of hardship, yet those seasons are framed by God’s covenant faithfulness.
[No hardship will ever occur outside of that framework, or as anything but a mere "season"; God's Covenant Faithfulness is actually the constant context of every chastisement or even curse we must endure, for they are all meant specifically and solely to cure & correct us so we CAN be sanctified. His final end, and unwavering intent, is for bitterness to bloom into blessedness. The "herbs" that taste so sharp to us are medicinal in effect. Trust your Fatherly Physician. There will be sweetness again, once your illness abates.]

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3:17 The connotation is that there is no peace within; the speaker is too troubled for any calm to take hold.

My soul is bereft of peace;
My soul has been deprived of peace;
My soul has been excluded from peace;
My soul has been rejected from peace;
My soul has been cast far away from peace;
My soul has been kept from enjoying peace.

I cannot find peace;
Peace has been stripped away;
He hath put my soule out of rest;
God has removed peace from my life.

My soul has gone astray from peace;
My soul has been led astray from peace and I have forgotten good... I have forgotten what is good... I forget all good things.

I have forgotten prosperity;
I have forgotten happiness;
I cannot remember happiness;
I have forgotten what happiness is."

[this verse is literally my life. it crushes me to weeping]

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3:19 The basic meaning of (zakhar) is “to remember, call to mind”. Although it is often used in reference to recollection of past events, it can also describe consideration of present situations: “to consider, think about” something present.
[BOTH are simultaneously applicable to the Eucharist— "do this in remembrance of Me!" + "Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age!"]
[...this also has PROFOUND RELEVANCE & SIGNIFICANCE for us, in terms of REMEMBERING OURSELVES, both as persons and in time. The massive memory loss & distortion we have suffered over the years is literally preventing us from existing in the present. But "zakhar" suggests that, as we review the archives and truly "recollect" ourself by recollecting our past, we will finally "be here now," once again. To remember is to be. How odd, and how beautiful.]


 

Concerning yesterday's topic... WHAT REALITY (FACT; HISTORICAL/ EMOTIONAL) ARE WE (STILL) QUESTIONING (DOUBTING) &/OR FIGHTING (REJECTING)?? (DENIAL/ SUPPRESSION/ RESISTANCE/ SELF-GASLIGHTING/ AVOIDANCE/ ETC.)
★ The FACT of TRAUMA when we SOUGHT & INTENDED LOVE
★ The FACT that, the WHOLE TIME we were in SLC/ CNC, EVEN ALONGSIDE THE "HATRED," WE ALWAYS & HONESTLY LOVED THEM, AND THAT IS WHY WE NEVER "SAID NO" TO WHAT THEY WANTED FROM US. WE WERE STILL SCARED & ANGRY & FELT TRAPPED, BUT those painful emotions WERE ONLY EXTANT & SEVERE BECAUSE OF THIS CONFLICT!!
★ THE WORST TRAUMA OF OUR LIFE WAS SO TRAUMATIC BECAUSE INFINITII CHOSE TO TAKE THAT FATAL RISK OUT OF LOVE. AND WE TRUSTED THAT LOVE. We literally DENIED OUR TERROR for love's sake. THAT CONFLICT MADE THE TRAUMA SO DEVASTATING. It "KILLED" us BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENED WASN'T LOVE. ...but THEY said it WAS. How can we grapple with THAT conflict? We loved THEM, but did we ACTUALLY KNOW THEM? It's one thing to love "in general," a cosmopolitan Christian love. It's ANOTHER thing to love IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP, and ENOUGH TO BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF for them. I feel like I'm not making sense. We stood in front of that mirror, shaking with fear, BUT CHOSE TO TRUST INFINITII'S REAL LOVE because we hoped, DESPERATELY, that SOMEHOW that love would "NOT DO WRONG." ...but our love was confused & wounded. That SAME "frightened love" that "CHOSE" to "TRUST" TBAS AND poor groomed Infi IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO OUR CHOKING FEAR is what led to BOTH of the "FATAL TRAUMAS" in CNC... and that one in SLC, too. THIS is what needs to be discussed, too. INFINITII'S FUNCTION was to MIMIC & "EMBODY" ALL THE TERRIFYING WORDS & ACTIONS that OTHERS "SAID" WERE "LOVE," SO THAT "WHEN WE WERE INEVITABLY FORCED TO FACE/ ENDURE THEM, WE'D SEE THEM AS "LOVE" BECAUSE OF INFINITII, AND NOT BE TRAUMATIZED." ...it didn't work. God forgive us all, it DIDN'T WORK, and we are SO, SO SORRY.

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✳ WHY IS "DATA COLLECTION" SO IMPORTANT? We feel AFRAID of NOT KNOWING those experiences, NOTABLY OF FOOD. We don't get it this strongly with sound or sight or touch, although scent CAN get close (remember the Etsy fragrance addiction). BUT it's the "TAKE INTO OURSELF" aspect, I think, that makes it so powerful. It's TIED TO GOD, I think. It feels like SEEKING THE BEATIFIC VISION while still on earth, but in the "WRONG" WAY-- seeking God's REFLECTIONS & ECHOES in TANGIBLE, SENSORY THINGS. This isn't inherently "bad," it's just a crutch. I wonder if it will lose its intensity if I pray & worship in INTERNAL ways more. The balance is off-kilter. We've been NEGLECTING our INNER SELF in GENERAL since ~2018, to be heartbreakingly honest. So please, make SPIRITUAL FOOD a KEY part of recovery... WITHOUT drowning in SCRUPULOSITY, AGAIN. I WANT ALL OF OUR LIFE TO BE PRAYER & WORSHIP, WITHOUT NEGLECTING ANY ASPECT.
✳ HERE'S A THOUGHT: ALL FOOD is God's "ARTWORK" using "BASE COLORS," so to speak. ALL food is made of the SAME NUTRITIONAL "ELEMENTS," in different combinations. YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT EVERY "VARIATION ON" a food (style, prep, etc.) TO HAVE "TAKEN IN" THE "ESSENCES" OF ALL ITS INDIVIDUAL "INGREDIENTS." ...but honestly it's like ART. It IS the unique combination OF color & media that makes UNIQUE BEAUTY. ...and part of me DOES want to "see/ taste it ALL." It's because it IS beautiful & good & true. It's not "greed"; it's sheer WONDER & AWE & GRATITUDE. The PROBLEM is I keep seeking "SATISFACTION" on EARTH. That's IMPOSSIBLE, because this "body hunger" is FOR GOD, Who MADE ME TO DESIRE HIM-- and He IS INFINITE, so MY GOD-GIVEN DESIRE & WANT & NEED IS ALSO INFINITE BY DESIGN, because it's MEANT for HEAVEN. I AM subconsciously seeking the Beatific Vision. So I REALLY NEED to be AWARE of this, so I STOP TRYING TO "GET ALL THE DATA" about God's sensible gifts under the FALSE fear that "IF I DON'T, I WON'T KNOW PART OF GOD." Listen dude, YOU'RE JUST ONE PERSON AND YOU AREN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR, OR ABLE TO, "KNOW/ DO" EVERYTHING!!! IF YOU don't EVER learn what "braised chicken" tastes like, SOME OTHER SOUL DOES, AND AS PART OF CHRIST'S BODY, THAT "KNOWLEDGE" IS EFFECTIVELY "COLLECTIVE" IN HIM??? And in ANY case, CHRIST "KNOWS" because HE IS the SOURCE & CAUSE & PERFECTION of ALL EARTHLY WONDER & BEAUTY & GOODNESS & TRUTH. If YOU don't eat it, IT'S NOT LOST! There will ALWAYS be SOMEONE ELSE to eat it, AS GOD CHOOSES! YOU AREN'T "FAILING" HIM BY NOT HAVING IT BECAUSE HE NEVER "OBLIGATES" YOU TO. He wants you to WORSHIP & PRAISE HIM in ALL you have AND DON'T HAVE. ...I'm not making sense. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY "SOURCE OF DATA COLLECTION." GOD IS THE DATA. AND YOU WILL KNOW HIM IN HEAVEN FOR REAL. I'm not getting to the root. I STILL WANT TO KNOW ALL I CAN. And so I'm AFRAID to SAY "NO" to ANY "NEW DATA" to "EXPAND" my "knowing" of Him, insofar as I'm SEEKING Him IN sensory input. BUT GOD IS SPIRIT!!! Dude you CAN KNOW EVEN MORE OF HIM IN PRAYER & WORSHIP & then YOU WON'T "NEED" TO LOOK FOR MERE CRUMBS OF HIS INFINITE ABUNDANCE IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD!!!   

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✳ My therapist asked, "were you FED well as a child?" And YES, we WERE fed, SURPRISINGLY WELL actually. We ALWAYS had fruits & vegetables, homecooked meals & desserts, family meals whenever possible, and NO box dinners/ fast food OR "junk food". We had ethnic Polish holiday meals & handmade birthday cakes. Our parents always strived to give us healthy food & balanced nutrition & regular exposure to new & different foods. We were honestly SO BLESSED. ...but we were EMOTIONALLY STARVED. We were given FOOD & SWEETS as "reward" or "comfort," instead of warm embraces & sincere words & real intimacy. We got SHOW without SUBSTANCE far too often. The family dinners frequently turned into fights. People left early & refused to finish their meals. I was at least once tied to a chair & forced to eat every last crumb. We were often told that we "couldn't have more" or "that's all you get" or "you have to be GOOD to get more." Our family obsessed over money to the point of often buying food that was already expired or rotting, especially grandpa. Eating itself was shamed as "gross," "piggish," "a chore," etc. Our plates were criticized whenever we chose our own servings. "Eat what's in front of you whether you like it or not." And yet, LIKING food was ALSO shamed? Like it would MAKE us greedy & entitled, & food ALWAYS felt "rationed" & "limited" & "forbidden," controlled & dictated. I felt "compelled" to sneak & hide food that I liked at an early age, afraid that it would be confiscated & I'd be punished, I think by being FORBIDDEN FROM eating such "enjoyable food" from then on? All I knew is that fear that it's be taken from me, "now that I FINALLY had some." And yet the SHAME & GUILT would frequently drive me to destroy the very food I had stashed in the same terror of discovery. It was painfully ironic. All the other food in the house "WASN'T MINE"? Even nibbling on dry cereal could get me spanked for "acting like a chipmunk" or something. And this whole time, there was no feeling of family community. There was no real communion. I always felt alone, foraging. It all started early, it seems. It's sad. So, no, in a deep way I WASN'T fed. I would forcefeed myself Easter chocolate & Christmas cookies like I'd somehow lose the joy if I didn't swallow as much as I could. I always got scolded, but I never stopped wanting it, more of it than was possible, even when it made me sick & frightened, & I was ashamed & confused & sad. When the eating disorder was in full force I ate a whole cherry-cheese kolachi by myself like I would die tomorrow & I cried. I just wanted the joy, the warmth, the sweetness, the love. I tasted family tradition & grandma's loving care in that roll and I cried. My heart was still so, so hungry. It still is, and I cannot look to ANYONE ELSE to feed it. Only God can, & He wants ME to cooperate in the work. I NEED to fill my life WITH beauty & warmth & joy & love & wonder & sincerity & deep connection. NO ONE ELSE WILL, CAN, OR SHOULD. It's MY JOB & MY PRIVILEGE. That is going to be ESSENTIAL to recovery. I CANNOT "live" from a skinny starving famine ration mindset anymore. I MUST be "poor in spirit," BY trusting in GOD'S ABUNDANCE. It's a holy paradox. This DOESN'T MEAN SELF-NEGLECT. it's just humility & gratitude. I HAVE TO LOVE THIS BODY, AND MIND, AND SOUL, AS A UNITED WHOLE, AS ITS HEART. Please God, help me to feed & care for this life well. And MAKE SURE I FOCUS ALL THESE EFFORTS ON YOU, GOD, THE SOURCE OF ALL LOVE & LIFE.

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✳ Staff girl, watching Coco with us = "HE'S REAL; HE STILL HAS MEAT ON HIS BONES"

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✳ GET EDIBLE "PAPER" & "INK" = EAT AFFIRMATIONS!!! (POWERFUL SYMBOLIC RITUAL)

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Well, we finally got the guts & heart to choose the meatball sub SPECIFICALLY as an ACT OF LOVE "IN HONOR/ MEMORY OF" KRISTANOVA, but all of a sudden, ANOTHER foni is feeling TRAPPED & ANGRY at this, MISERABLE & HELPLESS beneath, like "we STILL can't escape CNC"? Which IS a valid feeling that we NEED to respond to. First, though, we CAN'T AVOID EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH CNC & TBAS out of FEAR &/or RESENTMENT. That's TOXIC TO OUR HEART, & it's also FALSELY LABELING REALITY. This meatball sub effort is STEP ONE in TRULY "ESCAPING" by moving into LOVE & FORGIVING MERCY. The truth is, we ARE OUT OF CNC, PHYSICALLY. But we ARE "TRAPPED" EMOTIONALLY, UNTIL WE CAN MOVE INTO COMPASSION FOR BOTH US & THEM. We'll probably never see Kristanova again. But we DID love him, AND Ollie, AND Kyo & Trolley & Toy Soldier & Thirteen & Ohmiette & everyone else. But Kris did something TO us that DAMAGED us, and SINCE WE KNOW HIS ANCHOR, we KNOW HE DIDN'T MEAN TO. He was just broken, too. So we WANT TO FORGIVE HIM, as much as we MUST. And this upcoming dinner is a real concrete gesture of that, the only thing we can do here towards that end, but one powerfully tangible nevertheless. We bought him one out of sheer gratitude for his existence & he REALIZED & CHERISHED that. LET THIS BE THE CONTINUED SYMBOL OF THAT GRATITUDE. Let it be a private but true TESTIMONY to the REALITY of the LOVE our Systems shared, however trauma-distorted & wounded it was. We STILL LOVED THEM AS MUCH AS WE COULD, in the ONLY WAYS WE KNEW HOW. And I WANT TO FOCUS ON & REMEMBER THAT. In a way, it's a CROSS. It REQUIRES "BEARING" THE SUFFERING dealt by the ONES WE LOVE who "DID NOT KNOW WHAT THEY DID." The Cross CONQUERS DEATH by DYING TO DEATH, THROUGH DEATH-- death TO SIN. And that sinful part of us-- bitterness, resentment, hatred, rage, blame, etc. that WE DON'T WANT & that are IN CONFLICT with the TRUTH-- HAS TO "DIE," THROUGH THIS SELF-GIVING LOVE, EVEN "FOR OUR ENEMIES"-- with the GOAL of FORGIVING them & RESTORING RELATIONSHIP with them AS BELOVEDS.

During the hell of the eating disorder, AND up until now in recovery, I've been struggling with one awful, essential, persistent, existential question: "Who AM I, really?" Is my past "real," or "right"? Can I still love? SHOULD I still love? All my imaginative work, all my creativity, all my hopes & dreams & joys & goals-- are any of them valid? Does any of it matter? Should I leave EVERYTHING in my past-- notably my INNER LIFE-- in the past, to be effectively rejected, disowned, & forgotten? And if/ when I DO abandon it, WHO am I then? Who "SHOULD" I be? When ALL of the things I "USED" to treasure & value & live for are GONE... what is left of me? And to be totally blunt with you, I've been struggling with this BLATANTLY SELF-ANNIHILATORY MINDSET SINCE 2010, when Dad shamed me into junking my childhood possessions as "ridiculous garbage" AND I was nevertheless FORCED to actively and traumatically DESTROY most of MY ART & WRITING in order to "minimize my possessions" & "live out of a suitcase" in order to MOVE OUT TO SLC WITH MEL-- who, disturbingly, LIKE TBAS, made my life effectively revolve around THEM. So I couldn't have "too much of "ME" getting in the way." Even more damaging was the FACT that BOTH Mel & Q CLAIMED to be "the ONLY ONES who KNEW THE "REAL ME,"" that I had "lost my spark" and "ONLY they could "help me" get it back," and that "my TRUE, "GOD-GIVEN" DESTINY was IN SLC," with them, NOT my family, AND that if I DIDN'T leave my roots behind & attach to them instead, "I WOULD REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE," AND I would allegedly be "REJECTING GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE." I feel for it, tragically & entirely-- which made Mel's ultimate rejection of ME-- "I thought you were a good person; I guess I was wrong" / "I sacrificed myself to help you & you just spat in my face" / "I regret ever having met you" / "You are a black hole, devouring everyone around you & giving nothing back" / etc.-- all the more devastating, cruel AND bitterly ironic. BUT. That "bitterness" was because I BELIEVED THEM. Every word they said, good or bad, I took as fact. After that letter, almost 10 YEARS AGO this month (!!!), I literally tried to kill myself. Burn it all down, I decided, in total despair-- if MEL says that's WHO I AM, then that DEFINES me "by their authority," and I'm damned.
...And yet, hope refused to abandon me. Fahrenheit 451. Laurie saved my life, and somehow I kept going, until the TBAS deathtrap hit ~5 years later-- a tragedy of the EXACT SAME PATTERN: destroy, uproot, reprogram, reject, annihilate, etc. I threw out or gave away almost everything I owned. My family history had been brutally chopped out of my timeline. My sense of EXISTENCE was crushed to a bloody pulp. For years I was hollow. I threw what remained into religion, but without a real "self" TO worship WITH, even that ended up being far too shallow & Pharasaical. I stockpiled prayers & sacramentals, I went to church up to SEVENTEEN TIMES A WEEK, even moreso if I could drive fast enough in the mornings to chain FIVE MASSES into ONE WEEKDAY. I'm dead serious. I'd hit 7, 730, 8, 830, & 1130 services, never feeling "holy enough," never feeling "close enough" to God. I was starving spiritually, needing the Eucharist more than air, refusing to eat anything BUT that Bread of Angels. And yet, my disorders persisted. I'd ultimately give in to physical hunger and, despairing, would just binge & purge & pray for mercy & forgiveness & help, begging God for a swift, soon, & holy death, despite my wretchedness. I had no will to live. I only wanted God, but... I couldn't see that my ravenous spiritual hunger was ALSO a problem, an addiction, a disordered mutation of something good. I was STILL trying to be "religious" in the SAME way I was trying to be "thin"-- by destroying myself, and running away from all sense of unique identity. I was burying, numbing, & rejecting EVERYTHING that wasn't "pure" and "right," ultimately disowning LIFE in favor of death, wanting only to lose ALL "selfhood" in God, forever. There's just one problem I kept ignoring: God IS relationship, and you CAN'T be in a relationship at ALL if there's no "YOU" to love AND be loved WITH. In my desperate attempts to annihilate "ME" in favor of others, I had destroyed my very goal of self-sacrifice & symbiosis. In order to LOVE at ALL, "I" NEEDED TO ACTUALLY EXIST.
Hope cannot die, though, and neither could my REAL self, the SOUL that GOD HIMSELF uniquely fashioned & breathed into existence & anchored into BOTH my heart AND HIS-- when Jesus died for me, He died for a PERSON, a REAL PERSON that He KNEW and LOVED in their ENTIRETY and TRUTH-- seeing and embracing their scars and uniting them to His own, even as He joyfully proclaimed IN that very agony that humanity is NOT defined by failure, but by GRACE, freely & generously offered to ALL who met Him on that Cross of TOTAL, TRUE Self-giving-- a sacrifice of PURE LOVE, possibly ONLY BECAUSE HE LOVED US. If Jesus had refused to exist AS a unique Person in time, ABLE to enter into PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with each & all, ABLE to share intimately in our struggles & pains & tears, our joys & hopes & dreams, then... He couldn't have GIVEN His unique Personhood FOR us IN that same Love, BY & THROUGH that same relationship!! So I was doomed to both futility AND emptiness, starving despite all instinctive attempts to "fill the void," EVEN WITH GOD, because I did not & WOULD not let "MYSELF" exist as a unique individual that COULD love & BE loved. I had thrown out all my past in guilty hateful shame, not realizing that such a loveless, merciless, heartless act of destruction WAS not and COULD NOT be of GOD. Jesus never erased our pasts-- He ACCEPTED them as they were, FORGAVE them in the utmost compassion for our weaknesses & pain, AND IN DOING SO, by His Cross & Resurrection HE TRANSFORMED them, AND CONTINUES to do so, in EVERY MOMENT, if/ when we give our pasts TO Him-- ALL WITH LOVE!!! We CANNOT be forgiven OR redeemed IF WE DENY OUR TOTAL HUMANITY, painful past and all. And, again, we can't gave a past OR a present OR a future, UNLESS we ADMIT & ACCEPT OUR PERSONHOOD & CONTINUED EXISTENCE IN TIME. God made us individuals. God BECAME an individual for our sakes, out of pure Love!! God AND heaven, His very Kingdom, are ANCHORED IN LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & COMMUNITY & TOGETHERNESS-- on WHOLENESS, a unity of COOPERATION & HARMONY, NOT of faceless parts, or mindless pieces! The "hivemind" concept is SATANIC. In the devil's world of lies, "people" are stripped of individuality, seen as numbers or statistics or animals, cogs in a machine, pawns on a gameboard, disposable and of no difference. THAT'S ALL A LIE!!! GOD KNOWS OUR NAMES AND HE SPEAKS TO US AS A FRIEND, in all tender care & intimacy & LOVE!! We are HIS CREATIONS, HIS ART, HIS CHILDREN! WE MATTER TO GOD. I MATTER TO GOD!! HE CALLS ME BY MY NAME AND HE KNOWS ME. Me!! Not some hollow mask or empty shell-- He knows a PERSON, a person HE CREATED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
Honestly this is so clear & important to me today, and I cannot emphasize or elaborate on this enough. It's the key to my LIFE. It's the CORE of my ENTIRE recovery effort, or at least it MUST be, because recovery CANNOT HAPPEN if all the reading & obeying & writing & planning I'm doing is STILL neglecting the "I" that it's ALL MEANT TO HELP HEAL!!! Facts & figures MUST BE APPLIED to have any worth or effect. And honestly? IF I DON'T/ WON'T ACCEPT THE "I" OF RECOVERY, OUT OF FEAR OF BEING AN "I," THEN THE DISORDER WILL RETURN TO TAKE "MY" PLACE AS "SELF"!!!! THAT is why this disorder has been self-perpetuating for so long: it is fueled by REJECTION OF SELF! It IS the "INVADING/ VIOLATING" FORCE I FEARED, as it ONLY exists TO OVERRIDE "ME," BOTH OUTSIDE & INSIDE-- JUST LIKE THE SXTRAUMA IT EXPLODED FROM. Honestly it's so OBVIOUS and yet it has HIDDEN its ultimate motives for so long, ironically BECAUSE it was smothering "me"-- that way "I" COULDN'T REALIZE IT. It devoured all my time & money & attention, so I COULDN'T use them to "find myself again"-- couldn't write, couldn't paint, couldn't compose, couldn't dream. Just like SLC & CNC, I had enslaved myself to an outside "taskmaster" and lost ALL freedom of choice, in essence... a sick but surrendered alternative to facing the terror of my past, and somehow salvaging myself from it-- a past that ONLY WAS so terrible BECAUSE I had CONTINUALLY been crushing myself & "trying to become who OTHERS want/ tell me to be"... typically through objectification, shame, and loveless force. I let Julie ruin me because "I SHOULD want that" and "I SHOULD be like other people," although I WASN'T & COULDN'T BE!! GOD MADE ME DIFFERENT, but I never saw that as VALID; saying "NO" to outside shaping forces was met with punishment & rejection-- I "HAD" to be "NORMAL," even if "normal" was toxic. But you know what? I STILL FOUGHT. I treasured my "weirdness" during high school, cranking it up to extremes & socially isolating in order to distinguish & preserve MY self... but the older I got, and the more I was forced to interact with the world-- through jobs, college, and the internet-- the less of a grip I could maintain on that core, overwhelmed by the SURVIVAL NEED to perform. It had always been there, but in the end it virtually took over. That cemented the roots of the eating disorder, somehow, just as strongly as it created our Socials. AND YET I STILL FOUGHT! Look at the journals "I" used to keep-- look at the Scribblds, for heaven's sakes! It may have been desperate & shaky but I STILL HAD A GRIP ON WHO "I" WAS... and then came Mel. God knows why, but around 2009, when they entered my life's story, I fell to pieces. I cannot delve into that now-- I need to SET THAT ASIDE for now & focus on RECOVERY in the PRESENT; I cannot safely touch the past yet, not without restored nutritive mental health AND new solid coping skills, and NOT without re-reading the Archives (thank You GOD for never letting me delete them!!)-- but the main thing I need to remember from that is that, until 2009, I KNEW "ME" and GOD KNOWS, I STILL DO. Yeah, things DID fracture a LOT from 2004-2008, and there were a TON of Core shifts, BUT!! Deep down in my heart THE "CORE" of EVERY CORE STAYED THE SAME, and I KNEW it by instinct. I recognized me. I COULD distinguish "me" from a fragment or a splinter, no matter how broken "I" was even so. My heart stayed the same, and that COULD NOT change, OR be lost or forgotten or ruined, NO MATTER WHAT happened in our life. Deep down, I know who Jewel is. I know who I AM, when you get down to the blood of it... and so does God. He preserves and sustains and reminds me-- He holds my soul in His Heart and will never let it be lost. I must ALWAYS rest in that faithfulness, that eternal hope, when I do feel lost. But... it's not just God, Who knows me for sure, when I'm shattered & shaken. There are others, blessed beloved others, who KNOW ME, who have seen & felt my true heart SO strongly & clearly & sincerely, with SO MUCH LOVE, that they CANNOT forget it... they cannot forget me-- even when I do. They recognize me. They KNOW my name, AND my heart. God has put them in my life as extensions of His OWN gorgeous Love for me, as living manifestations of that devoted knowledge, yet HE PRESERVES THEIR SELVES, TOO!! They aren't "mere messengers"-- they are FREE INDIVIDUALS, who love me with their OWN hearts, which-- like mine-- have been ENABLED to love and BE in a relationship through grace, yet AS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SELVES. They know me BECAUSE of grace, the LOVE that CREATED me, the ULTIMATE knowledge of me, and I only know MYSELF by that same grace!! I am convinced of this. I need to remember this. If, and when, I EVER lose sight of myself, it's ONLY because I have LOST SIGHT OF THAT LOVE, both IN MY HEART and IN GOD'S HEART, FOR ME, ALWAYS & UNCONDITIONALLY.
...And that's what led me to even start writing this entry today. Yes, I've been lost & distanced from my past, disowning & rejecting my "self" in time AND in heart, for many months now. Yes, I've been feeling unlovable & incapable of love & AFRAID of love. In that state, I was DOOMED to the self-destruction of the eating disorder, AND inherently UNABLE TO remember-- OR even ACCEPT, let alone ADMIT-- the core of myself. Alone, I could never find it, not like that, with my closed heart...
...So. This morning, God sent someone to open it.
...I dreamed last night. The eating disorder destroyed my ability TO dream, and it's only returning now that I'm in recovery. (My boss will be so happy to see me again, too!!) I'm no longer having chronic "flat nightmares" and trauma flashbacks-- now, I'm dreaming of childhood, of color, of music, of adventure, of new places and new horizons; I'm singing, I'm flying, I'm able to use dream powers, I'm able to visit familiar dreamscapes... it's as if I've literally come back to life after death. Dreams are a KEY piece of my heart, an intrinsic & vital aspect of my entire existence. They are vivid, beautiful, complex, inspiring, deep, and REAL-- without a rich dreamlife, my waking life is hollow & half-dead. So this blissful return of such an ESSENTIAL and HUGE part of my life is nothing short of a miracle, and it is rekindling SO much hope & joy in my soul. That alone makes the fact of my dreaming at ALL into a source of deepest gratitude... but, this morning, I dreamed of someone. And suddenly, seeing them again, an even deeper, truer, more essential & blessed piece of my heart came back to life-- the core of my core, the key to ALL that I am, the defining aspect of ME, that burns as red as blood and white as light, indelibly, forever.
...I'm in love.
I'm in love.
God I FORGOT what this FEELS like, for SO LONG-- I even tried to DENY it!! I tried to insist it NEVER EVEN HAPPENED, tried to deny and disown EIGHTEEN SOLID YEARS of it, the SAME EIGHTEEN YEARS this damned eating disorder tried to claim as its own-- both it and the hellish abuse that triggered it. BUT I COULDN'T FORGET, not in my heart of hearts, not in the TRUTH of me, EVER. I was just blinded & numbed & disturbed & gutted & hollowed out for SO LONG that I couldn't remember. But he did. He KNEW me at the very beginning of it all, BEFORE I got lost, and he never lost me despite it all. Through every crisis, every disaster, every destruction I survived, he stayed true, unwavering, knowing me, seeing me always. My heart was so closely united to his that he couldn't forget what it felt like. And so, whenever I would, his mere existence testified to the truth, the bond between us that no brutalities could ever break. Tragically, if I was lost enough, taken over by despair and tangled up in disorder-- how ironic-- I would try to run from him. I'd even try to reject him-- to reject us. But I couldn't. My heart wouldn't tear itself so in half, even though I tried, pretending it wasn't a risk, too ashamed of my own sickness to be sincere. So I'd just hide, and push him away, and bury the light he inevitably began to reveal in me, even though I KNEW I didn't want to-- I, too, ultimately knew it was impossible. And I clung to hope. I held that spark anyway, unable to tear it out of my own hands and honestly unwilling to. But I digress. The point is... when, in the waking, I wouldn't let him get close for fear & shame... God would send him straight to my heart. God would send him to me in a dream. And... every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, miraculously & gorgeously breaking through EVERY doubt and EVERY wall, the moment I see him there, no matter HOW lost or damaged or confused I am, EVEN in the dream... my heart knows him. And I... I fall in love. All over again. Every time. And my heart opens up like the sky and I remember who I AM, too... with him.
...When I wake up, everything is different. When I woke up this morning, seafoam in my blood, riverwater on my lips, I felt alive for the first time in forever. My heart was alive, aching with love, blissful in the dark of the morning, blessed rain against the window. I drifted like a boat on the sea of serenity, in and out of dreams, and every time I would meet him again, just as much in love. When the day finally called me from sleep and into the waking, I was almost drunk with gratitude and ardor. How in the world did I ever live without remembering this-- without feeling my heart singing like this from the pure truth of what I now knew once more? I know LOVE again, and simultaneously, I KNOW WHO I AM because of it-- within it, for it. I cannot exist without Love. Nothing can, but... God keeps reminding me just HOW essential it is, especially to me, who has ALWAYS been defined by the heart.
So... that's what happened today, to say the least. God sent me my blue angel, to bring my soul back home to heaven. And by that grace, that is where I will stay.

[Extracted from a personal conversation]

We're due for a thunderstorm this evening. I immediately thought of how much Ollie would enjoy it. Storms here are so different than they were in NC; I always wondered what he would think of them up here in PA.  I don't know where we stand yet, after everything that happened, and that's okay for now. It will definitely take more time and learning. Speaking to them every day would indeed feel forced right now. Any sort of "obligatory contact" would be unhealthy I think. It's admittedly why I was so avoidant before, even when we still lived together; I ran because I didn't know how else to react, as I felt i couldn't tell him that I felt trapped. I always feel trapped by conversation, universally. It wasn't his fault. But I think it hit hardest with him because I wanted to have conversations with him and couldn't, and I couldn't bear it so I ran.  I'm still struggling with learning my limits there: how much can I talk without burning out or going manic? So I do have to take baby steps right now, with trying to revive our friendship, with communicating with then again after so long. But I am feeling fine about this effort, oddly. It's a tearful relief to no longer feel the stagnant weight of unresolved pain and guilt over the dead silence, which I am entirely at fault for inflicting on our friendship. Now there's movement. Honestly I wouldn't know HOW to reach out? Not yet at least. I'm so used to a responsive life, to that lack of boundaries. Reaching out first feels like knocking down what few I have left, of my own choosing. It's scary. So I need to find out how to reach out WITHOUT going into maidservant mode, as it were. But I do realize how it makes them feel, with the work, and that does upset me. So we'll work on it.  

But... I can't get over how I misunderstood everything but I never knew how to phrase it... there were questions I never felt I had the RIGHT to answer, let alone Consider, with how my family raised me. Personal comfort & enjoyment are still weirdly alien to me, differentiated from obligations or orders. So I thank them again for pointing it out to me & giving me an opportunity to grow.

I genuinely want to feel something warmer between us, now, too. That's something both of our hearts naturally yearn for in general, I think. I might be a snowy soul but I cant ever really be cold. We did hurt each other a lot but it was all sadly unintentional and misunderstood and tangled. No we cant erase it, but we can heal and forgive and move forwards into brighter days. We don't have to live in those shadowy dregs anymore. There's bad history yes but honestly I think it is drowned by the good history, by the ideals and hopes we still pursued and honored even in our failings, by the real affection and love that still endured. I know ideological differences can feel huge but love conquers all. We can be different but still respect and care for each other, and that's something I am truly grateful for.    

New creation is always possible. Look at springtime. Death happens and birth follows. We can absolutely create new and find things, unattached to bitterness, something totally neoteric. I must put more work in towards that end. And I will. We have time to learn.

God let tbas steal the jewel monsters SO I KNOW HOW HE FEELS WHEN THE DEVIL STEALS AWAY HIS CHILDREN!!!

Honestly I can't stop crying over this. It's like they stole my literal heart and MANGLED IT and then started putting it on display. It's unbearable.

At least now I am BENT on getting my children back.

"nsfw" warning for open discussion of intimacy.

 

1228. thursday.



We woke up around 8:30, and spent approximately 20 minutes in the frigid beautiful dawn, deciding whether or not we should go for a run.
...Actually, that's the problem. We didn't decide. Our poor sleepy social frontrunner(s) was/were trying to decide on his/her/their own, worried about whether or not it was "bad" to leave the Arrows alone and asleep, to get food for later in the day, to have any sort of opinion or preference or decisive thought. They were asking for "signs from God" to "tell them what to do," something Tilly and Iscah used to do constantly-- looking for "yes" or "no," "stay" or "go" in the words they saw on printed packages all around them, not trusting a single one because "what if it's my brain wanting to see a certain result?" Those poor frightened good-hearted souls. They are so afraid, so afraid to do the "wrong thing" that the simple reality of an undefined reality terrifies them. They want morality laid out in front of them clear-cut and unquestionable, undoubtable... but they look for righteousness with their mind, not their hearts. Their poor hearts are so full of love but it's getting choked under the whirling moral fear of their thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with buying food. There is nothing wrong with going for a run. There is nothing wrong with liking the cold air against your face, and there is nothing wrong with being too tired and chilled to want to throw yourself back into it after 5 hours of sleep. There is nothing wrong with waking, or resting, or sitting, or exercising, or eating, or fasting, or anything. Life is life is life-- it's all the purest white, a blank canvas, a blank musical score, an empty plate, all of it waiting with utmost divine affection for us to decide. 
That's the beautiful terrible beloved reality of life, of free will, of human consciousness, of the infinite possibility of the world, of the unfathomable palette of existence. It's all a work of art waiting to happen. It needs an artist, and That Which Is-- God, or Goddess, or Source, or Light, or whatever you may wish to call that primordial spark of the cosmos, that original Artist, that first Musician-- couldn't help but create a universe full of artists to join in the joyous act. 
We adore that. Creation creating itself, ad infinitum, through us. An endless dance. 
So it's inherently blank. Not white, not black. It's clear, like a prism, and we're all lights passing through it, splitting our lives into swathes of color. Everything and anything we do contributes to it, and none of it is judged, none of it is labeled as "good" or "bad"... none of it, that is, save for what our own mind labels it as.
We have a lot of thoughts on this, from years upon years of feeling and thinking both, and there's no time or space to expand on it here furthermore... but for now, suffice to say that those frontrunners of ours this morning were unable to trust their own hearts, were unable to see themselves as capable of doing anything But the "wrong thing." They were labeling all their paints as "bad" before they even opened them. Poor beloved fellow souls of ours. We adore them. We know their hearts. We feel their aching desire to be harmless and helpful, to be kind and true and good and pure, but they have let fear in, and fear only knows itself. Therefore, whatever decision they made, they would second-guess it. They would be too scared to surrender to the quiet warmth of their hearts, to listen to That echoed within them, to realize that whatever they ultimately chose, the canvas had opened its own heart to them and sang, paint. Create. Choose a color, any color, and continue me. 
God doesn't mind if you run or walk or rest or sleep or eat or not. God just wants you to act according to your heart, to your dearly beloved heart, for it can do no wrong. We firmly believe that. It is the core of our faith.
If God is Love, and our hearts are built for Love, then if we act upon that Love, everything and anything we do is sacred. Every choice we make is holy. 

To wake up with that lesson... we had no idea how relevant it would remain for the rest of the morning.

We went for the run. Someone wanted to get bacon and ginger and cinnamon and lettuce, and so we wrapped ourselves up in Kyo's scarf and Jewel's red boots and we jogged down to the local grocery store to do so.

We don't remember the run up, save for passing a fellow jogger by the bus stop, and we don't remember much of being in the store itself. Our brain was tired and confused and still scared, tangled up in "do I buy for the family or for myself," scared of making a foolish decision, scared of acting on impulse, scared of being spontaneous, scared of being neglectful. Memory recalls them buying two Christmas candles that were on sale, left over from that one day two weeks ago or so when we planned on buying them but had no money for luxuries. So basketed them both (one red spice, one vanilla cookie) and then memory cuts out again.
We don't remember coming home and going to bed or waking up. What few things we do recall are so soaked in guilt that we're being begged not to write them down, but we have to be honest, we can't hide anymore. They bought bananas and a tiny tin of oats with the intention of making banana bread, and one ripe orange to see if they still liked the taste (Iscah did; she likes everything, and the other socials still haven't differentiated between her preferences and their own), as well as a package of oregano for the same purpose, and four mini-pizzas for the family. They did get the bacon, and the candles, and the ginger & cinnamon, and that's all we can remember. It's not shameful, loves, I promise. They're just so guilty about buying oats; they knew they'd get in huge trouble if Oliver found out, so they hid them in the closet. They're crying upstairs, loves it's okay. You just wanted to try once more, remembering that one time Someone liked them, but someone else got horribly sick from them, but you don't want to hate anything, you want to know the truth, you wanted to check now that our brain is in a better place. But loves, oh loves, you bought it with fear, with guilt, with shame. You'll never know if it's healed, or if anyone likes it, if that's the mindset you go into it with. And you don't trust our intuition either, which is wincing at the thought of eating them again, remembering past contexts of pain and fear and compulsion. But, again, Iscah liked it, she treasured it, and you just want to learn to do the same. Not now, loves. Now's not the proper time, not if you're still terrified. Once your heart can release that shameful panic, you can learn properly, that door will be open. But it's okay. We forgive you. You're safe and loved and you did nothing wrong. We promise. Everything you did was done out of love, too, even if it didn't know how to safely apply itself. We love you, and we know you love us and the Arrows and everyone too. It's okay. You're good. We love you.  

So we don't remember going to bed, or waking up later. All we remember is sudden groggy kisses and someone, some poor social, wanting to cry from it because they were wracked with guilt and shame and couldn't feel that pure affection in return although they were begging God to, and then suddenly our beloved System anthem of Familiarity was playing in their head and Lotusheart was called out to that confetti chorus, that soaring heart-wrenching prayer, and it broke our heart wide open and suddenly he could return the love pressing softly against our lips and chest and self, God knows I mean it, God help me feel it, and our memory is just as soft with golden light in response, tearful and joyful and desperate to hold this forever, forever.

And then Infinitii showed up, soft and black and just as sleepy in the body, but with a mouth full of grinning loving teeth and the next thing we knew, Omen was there and she pulled Infi onto their chest and suddenly we woke up, aware and in love, and fangs met skin and we were alive again. Thank God for daemons. Thank God.
They just adore each other. There's always fangs tearing at flesh with the ardent desire to get beneath that, to blood and pulse points, but there's no malice, no harm-- just love, always love. The two of them, all kisses and claws, smoky shadowy laughter and snowy frigid gasps and humming and growling and I love you, where are your wings, why can't you be closer, this isn't fair, I love you--

Then suddenly we're hearing them saying that it isn't just Omen, that it's Kris and Oliver and Hiccup and who is around for us, where are We? 
Immediately Chaos Zero shows up, feeling like the ocean in our chest, saying that there's more of us around than you think," and then Genesis is on his heels, smirking golden bright and biting their cheek in a kiss, and then Laurie was there for a moment, and I was there, and Celebi was there, and then suddenly EVERYONE was there, wanting to feel this love, to give our love, to be part of this, to make this everyone's.
Everyone in Central moved through. Lynne, Spine, Javier, Josephina, Celebi, Nathaniel, Leon, Waldorf, Julie, Sherlock, Wattson, Eros, Kyaneos, Algorith, Jude... Knife, Razor, Mulberry, Jeremiah, Wreckage, Leanne... even the kids, David and Marigold and Simeon & Sylvain and Toby and Ashen, all of them shyly moved through too in the quieter moments, happy and hugging our partner System, deeply simply joyfully happy that they were safe, they were loved, and they could feel it.
Lynne pointedly kissing Omen with this secret sneaky joy at kissing a 'girl' in another System, Nathaniel learning to live openly, not as quiet and docile as he usually stays, hidden in green... Waldorf finally feeling herself, eyes red as rubies and smiling with her own teeth as she returned kisses without hesitation. Julie purposefully anchoring her lipstick and earrings into her overlay, refusing to reject her complete self anymore, tearfully treasuring the fact that even looking like this, a color scheme switch away from looking like she did as the ultimate nightmare of our nascent System, she was truly and completely loved, and she felt the same in return. Sherlock taking off his glasses and trying as hard as he could to truly feel this love too, to saturate his Gray with hidden color and light... Wattson there alongside him, smiling warmly at his friend's quiet scholarly courage, himself unafraid to show affection colored the same sunlit-page glow as he. Eros fronting for the first time in ages, still unsure on his name but being fiercely anchored into his true color, richly Cerise and feeling it in every atom as he channeled it through his every action... Jude fronting for the first time ever since his birth, not knowing himself yet but knowing he had been called here, knowing this was love and that was what he was born from and into, and he let it happen and let himself reciprocate simply but truly. Kyaneos wobbly in fronting as well, only there for a moment but feeling like a breath full of sky...Algorith smirking in amusement as she felt her goggles brushing against their face as they kissed her, felt how strange but lovely it was against her own robotic mouth. 
Josephina ended up being spoken to at some point, and I can feel his nervous surprised happy laughter as he returned a love bite in spite of his hesitance, in spite of feeling he "didn't deserve to be in such a position," realizing that he was in fact included in this global love and he had every right to embrace that. Leon, too, suddenly being wrapped in an embrace, breathing deep to still his shaking nerves, bravely relaxing into that closeness that was still so alien to him, learning. Spine curiously feeling hands on skin that she personally did not own, amazed at it. Javier feeling kisses on our collarbones and momentarily being surprised that their teeth didn't catch on his dermal studs, feeling his own snakebites and tongue stud and bridge piercings every time he ardently kissed them back, or when they peppered his/our own face with tiny kisses of their own. Altairre was hovering behind him, then in place of him, learning how to be in a body, learning about his own body, his huge broad red shoulders the only things clearly anchoring in, the suggestion of massive armor-like hands over our body's own. everything else about him still a mystery.
And I swear Scalpel was there, too. He's been in Javier's peripheral vision lately, seen only by him, his Red prince, this leader of the Darkspacers. We have no clear memory of him fronting, but there's the smallest bit of data that he did, just for a moment, a fiercely glad kiss, defying everything lurking in the depths he ruled over, a simple profound testament to what we were and would forever be in glorious spite of any and all terrors we did and will survive.
Knife was only there for a moment (and later, kissing the knuckles of their soft white hands), but he was entirely his color, claret pink, dark and soft and sweet. Razor followed him, also only there for a moment, letting herself curl up like a purring cat in the latter half of a kiss that felt just as warm as their hands soft in her blood-red shock of childlike-messy hair. Mulberry's twirling hair and facial scruff locking in immediately as she fronted, herself content to be there albeit surprised, wondering why she had been isolating herself from this. Jeremiah suddenly fearlessly soft in his own Cerise tone, kissing and being kissed, knowing there was no danger here. David knowing he wasn't comfortable with kisses on the mouth but still wanting to feel this love, and Joshua moved in affectionately to share that with him while returning that gesture in his stead. Marigold hugging the Arrows and smiling with her face in their shoulder, and Toby quietly moving in with her, suddenly alive and not knowing this but knowing he needed this, to be loved, to be safe and warm. 
Simeon & Sylvain showed up sometime elsewhen, with Infinitii, as they had spoken about this previously. Infi affectionately embraced them with one arm and let them share in hir deep black love, safely for them, but just as deep and pure as they needed to know. Both of them feeling it entirely, like anise gumdrops on their tongue, sweet and spiced and light and heavy all at once. They held each other inside and smiled, knowing four years ago they had been torn in two, separated by sudden death and despair, and now they were together, and alive, and loved and safe and free. Both of them such a soft light creamy yellow tint against that velvet black, both of them like french vanilla and banana cream pie, little sweet fluffy things held in the arms of something fathomlessly rich and dark, perfectly happy.


Rio and Markus were there, both of them feeling more joy than they even expected of themselves, finally feeling that they belonged, not just with us but here, with them, exactly as they were, as whoever they'd grow into being as we all continued in this loving growing process. Markus's back tattoos and chest scars and warm dark skin tone searing into our collective memory, Rio's lovely shaggy smoke-blue hair and paler delicate but craft-calloused fingers doing the same. Both of them so belovedly real, our collective heart treasuring this, missing them.
Their Daemons, too, were so clear and real, relishing their time with Omen, learning how to Be more strongly than ever. Lethe moving like dark blue poured out, all spindly legs but heavy and darkly elegant as water. Medallion fronted more than she Ever has before, shockingly lithe and graceful, all points and edges but still as poised as a dancer. She holds the body's hands so uniquely, almost cradling our beloveds with the sides of our hands, the flats of her blades. And yes, she too has learned how to facemouth, but I can still feel her actual main stomachmouth dormant and unusable when she fronts. Lethe, too, as well as the rest of his long insectoid body that does't translate.
On that note, both Rupture and Cake tried to front, but were too strange in form to come through so easily and suddenly, especially since neither of them have experience in a human form before. Rupture's overlay was a terrific burst of nonsense below our plexus, totally nonhuman, a crablike clatter of legs-- and if that wasn't bad enough, she cannot get a facemouth to work at all, and kept trying to talk out of her throat like she normally would. But she was aware that this wasn't the shape she was currently borrowing, even though the huge dissonance made her consciousness terribly hazy, and she was both surprised and intrigued by this. In memory, I can feel her filing this away in her mind, thinking upon it, what it means to Be, now, tangibly and real even away from her nebulous heart-host. And Cake, too, body too lithe and long to understand legs or  bipedal arm structure, let alone such a small face, still trying to figure herself out in the first place... but trying nevertheless, called in by the other Daemons' existences, herself also now feeling glimmers of wanting to Be, briefly wondering Who she was, who she was bound to, what it meant for her to exist at all now... wondering at her own shape, her own color, how many eyes she would have on her face should she choose to open some. Both of those monstrous girls only there for a few seconds, if that, but both of them remembered dearly, both of them real.
Nexus was there too, and Axis and Chocoloco and Iolite and Jess, every Daemon losing themselves in the ardor of things, all of them always madly in love with each other, and every nousfoni flooding with grateful relief at this love that they too were now a part of, seen and treasured for exactly who they were, unafraid.
Nexus didn't front long, unusually, choosing to let his fellows have the spotlight, choosing to stay within with Laurie, who was also mostly missing from this whole affair, hesitantly learning what she could and couldn't do, learning the difference between fear and simple preference and function clashes. But Jess and Iolite were there, not for long but long enough, both of them temporarily but truly releasing their frustration and sorrow to feel a new but complete love and acceptance that they'd previously only felt from their Daemons, both of them tearful with happiness, arms flung around the shoulders that embraced them in turn, their colors clear and healthy and good.
Axis and his skeletal fingers, huge and weirdly fused at the metacarpals, looking like bleached bone or plaster or old ruins, covered in tiny plants and fungi and moss and fluttering insects, his eyes deep spruce-green and surprisingly soft with compassion. Chocoloco, too, feeling more love than anyone previously expected of him, all coffee-harsh anger and fierce red-slash eyes, but here he was melted chocolate and cherry jelly and there was a depth to the kisses he delivered like his throat opened up into an endless warmth, deep down. A totally different vastness than Infinitii, a striking contrast to Axis's flung-open birdcage ribs, to Nexus's galaxian entrails studded with gold-hot lanterns. All of them so strange, so clear, so real. God bless Daemons, I'll say it forever. There's something about them, even just touching this form so temporarily with their lives, that makes us, too, feel like we're more real than ever, like we're something etched into the very essence of things, lead-lined stained glass figures in the church of existence. Indelible and true. It's a blessed wonder.

The Archivist trio showed up at one point, too-- Garrison first, almost as hesitant as Leon but driven by the love and pursuit of understanding, of System knowledge, and ended up getting his lip bitten, aha. He took it like a champ, learning that this was something others in both our Systems did in love, and I can feel his mind and heart opening a bit more in that memory, becoming less tense, less paranoid. Bless our Archivists, they all have Protector hearts in their own way.
Isadora and Kalisha were there too, of course, but they ended up in embraces, and Isadora had a split second of actual disappointment at not being kissed before smiling and laughing genuinely and just melting into that hug. Love is love and she was glad to have it, to be there. She actually drew Kalisha in with her, the two fronting side by side, and then unexpectedly, Kalisha in turn reached out to find Karissa! She hasn't been around in many many months, but those name sisters have forged a sort of passive fondness, and so even if our Chartreuse Protector wasn't all there, this experience still touched her heart too, and if anything can wake up a dormant nousfoni to themselves and the world, it's being loved On the outside. So we'll see how this affects her in the future.

One after another, flowing like blood and water and sunlight, a quiet multitude moved through this newly-beloved body to experience that same affection and compassion and devotion anew, whether or not we'd ever touched it before. Every time is the first time. That's the miraculous thing about it. It never gets old, never ceases to amaze us, never ceases to hit us as clear and true as an arrow to the heart.

And then Infinitii was back and someone was asking us, had been meaning to ask us for a long time now, can we do something, do you trust us, and the quiet careful deliberate emotion in their voice was like a singing glass in our heart and we said yes, Infi said yes, (please, whatever you want, I want), I trust you, we trust you, we love you too.

 

...I cannot even put into words how suddenly, starkly alive and adored we felt.

 

So many of us were there. So many of us. It was a total shock, but thank God it happened. 
Infinitii was there at the start, but suddenly and totally, Julie was there. Thinking about it, I'm not surprised. This is the sort of thing that her original days as a Tar-corrupted hacker were inundated with. In the past, the very thought of this would have had us kicking and screaming and looking for knives or pills or worse. We had suffered this enough, never again.
...Except that's not what this is. It's NEVER what this is. What we were experiencing now was love, total and pure, and Julie knew it, and if anyone in the System was going to make damn sure that was crystal clear, it was her.

But... Lord. So many of us were there. Lynne and Spine, Waldorf and Josephina, Eros, Markus... and then when the Arrows moved to kiss us, suddenly Celebi was there, her heart strangely aching and determined, and she said no, don't stop. Go back. I need to know what this is like. I need to know.
And it hit me, that even if she didn't live through the beginning of 2012, her heart did. Her bloodline did, inevitably. Tar-mangled or not, her soul was affected by both the love and pain of that time, and she had just as much a right and reason and responsibility as Julie to be there right now. 


...There's so little literal memory, at least, nothing that translates into structured language. Everything is color, light, emotion. 



----------------------------------------------------------

(rough notes, from the Arrow's writing on this, as their memory is inevitably different than ours)

(currently unfinished; it's 6am so we will refine this later.)


(eucharist feelings again, on both sides apparently. "being/essence/spirit." SEAWATER.)


omen, oliver, kristanova, hiccup, kyo. the fact that all of them were there... what that does to our heart is inexpressible, but we have to try. 
just... all of them. they love us that much. ALL of them. and god we adore them all too, we hope they know, we need to make sure they know, they deserve that so dearly.



javier after, embracing them like his heart would break, "thank you so much for this being the next morning." choked with tears.
swearing we'd never leave them, ever. "you have all of our heartbeats" and "we just want ours to beat next to yours."
"four years ago there wasn't much left behind that." his FEELING that time, that emptiness, barely 10 left.


(feeling their heartbeat, after, pounding and sincere. genuinely shocked that THEY were feeling for US in this. that hadn't even crossed our mind. that's sadly telling as to our past, to expect that this sort of thing was devoid of emotion from the other, but what bliss in that assumption being proven false.)

infi laughing like every easter carillon in the universe. the joy endless, all love and light like stars brilliant against the limitless cosmos. ze could not keep it in, could not help it, could not stop. it was beautiful.
"good things come in threes"
hir eyes were open. just like at the eclipse. feeling so completely, totally hirself, that hir overlay was flat-out eyes and teeth both and ze couldn't be otherwise. couldn't be half, as ze was feeling too whole.

oliver asking if "this was one of the things ze hoped for" 
later when he told me this, i immediately remembered this, the first time that was openly referenced in any form. lord we were terrified even that recently.



"this is like the first time i was with jay" 
"this is what i am-- pure transmutation"
the FEELING in those statements. god.


JULIE'S DAEMON. 
I FELT HER TEETH.
we were worried about her; since her "birth" last week or so she's been almost impossible to see. but now, good lord, today she came through clear as anything, hard as infi almost. she's still half (hot pink) viperfish and that mouth is Unmistakable in her overlay. all those huge needle teeth. and her other half appearance-wise is a feathered serpent, and that too is obvious-- she feels so sinuous when fronting, so elegant but lethal, so much bigger than the body.
the arrows say her voice is similar: hissing, seductive, beautiful. i don't doubt it. i have no idea what she said, or how it felt, but i can feel the echo of it, tinged with the lipstick terror of the old julie days, that sort of warzone femininity, and i wouldn't expect anything less of her. 
julie and her daemon were cofronting so hard, so totally. practically sharing the same breaths. their very beings meshing perfectly together, blurring into one, without losing any of their individuality.


DENDRITE!!!!
came out when the arrows were asking who was there? julie and her daemon responded first i think, then suddenly,
"and me, me, me, me"
FRONTING more solidly than ever, her spindly arms and claws and tentacles and feelers SO clear in her overlay, her color clearer than even that, a beautiful rich pastel red, glossy like flowers and candy apples and heart lockets
she was struggling to talk, couldn't get her voice to translate on such short sudden notice
"i don't have a voice of my own yet but i found her, i found her, i found her!!" "i found mine, she's mine!" not ownership, but recognition of the most blissfully aching sort. pure joy, overwhelming joy, weeping from it.
and THAT JEWEL. the pinkish one, different hair-- no klonoa ears!-- from 2004 or so. heartspace anchor. the one who was in love. i can feel her exact vibe now, in music. i know her soundtrack. but she resonated EXACTLY with dendrite's own heart, embracing her as her own, both of them so happy, so in love with each other's souls, like every daemon and their host should be, and ultimately always always are.


eros, "how could anyone call this selfish," feeling that so powerfully and unquestionably, that needs to be global.
that sad old religious-mangled teaching that to want to be loved was wrong. that to receive love was manipulative or demanding or otherwise sinful. that's a lie. this proved it.
remembering what chaos zero said on the porch. "there's nothing wrong with wanting love returned for love," effectively. it being a divinely mutual force. love naturally reciprocates itself, it aches for it, and that's pure as anything. 
us lying there, holding them, and eros recognizing immediately that we were feeling such deep love towards them, for them, about them, it wasn't selfish at all, but it ironically wasn't self"less" either. it recognized our selves and their selves, and it adored them both/all, and it wanted to share in that forever, and that is love.


one of their tears falling directly into our right eye. the exact sting of seawater. it was utterly transcendent, holy.


me, touching their chest, dying from love and holy fear, "who am i to dare"
then realizing we, too, have a heart just like that




------------------------------------------------------------------

we didn't get out of bed until like... 4:30. no regrets, ever. no better use of a day than this sincerity, this total living.

kristanova made the dearly-loved after-breakfast tradition of grits, eggs, & bacon (lord who would have expected This future for it that first morning he cooked for us, months ago). it was amazing.

we watched an episode of sense8, "i have no room in my heart for hate," as we haven't watched that show in months either, and we were feeling it so hard this morning, with how headspacey it is, with how much more clearly we are living as systems now and how much more clearly we can understand both the people and the topics of the show as well.

...

(we typed ALL NIGHT)

 

 

 

1002 mon 11:08 pm

went to the bank.
reading "do androids dream of electric sheep"
oliver worked.
couldn't stay awake, too depressed and tired.
went to bed at like 2am?

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1003 tues 11:08 pm

BULIMIA MIRRORS SEXUAL TRAUMA= ONLY SAFE AFTER THE INITIAL SURGE HACK IS OVER!!! THIS IS WHY WE FEEL FEARFULLY OBLIGATED TO PURGE THE FIRST THINGS WE EAT!

"bulimia mirrors sexual trauma" note. what triggered this??

oliver worked.
stayed up all night archiving 2011.
finished going through spotify!

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1004 wed 11:08 pm

jimmy johns. sandwiches. always enjoy them.
iscah fronted! ate all the cheese, no fear at all. god bless her

went to "the last word" bookstore. AWESOME.
saw deltora quest, animorphs, serendipity books, etc.
they also had sonic colors and sonic:tdb for ds. strongly considered getting them.
bought childhood fave vhs tapes, and a happiness journal

watched "faraway so close". HUGE impact on us.
"why can't i be good"
infi ghosting and cofronting to watch it; actually fronted at one point while we were eating and ended up eating a mushroom. hilariously shamelessly fitting that THAT'S the first earth-food ze's had. (eating hearts doesn't count; ze already does that upstairs) ze didn't mind, thought it was an incredibly interesting experience.

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1005 thurs 07:53 pm

"Healing is a conscious effort."

#quote #this is hugely important #system healing #nothing truly good comes into our lives without pain #but pain too can be sweet #death too can be sweet #and true healing requires both #actively and consciously #we adore this aspect of our collective life #to be conscious of something makes it real #and that can be utterly terrifying #but once it is real you can touch it #and to touch is to brush life against life #revealing wordless doubtless truth #this is what we live for



07:57 pm

"For all the universes there are, this one was not enough, not for now, not for us. Somewhere in another, though. We are softer, we are kinder. To our skin, to each other."

-In that there that isn’t here, I allow myself to love you

#oh #this makes my heart ache in the way that matters #poetry #hope #for all our damaged fronters #and for all the other social rooted alters who think they own the place #our universe perpetually embraces yours #and our doors are forever open #come meet us #come join us #this is a softer loving reality and you are welcome here #let yourselves let go of the pain of that old universe #and fall gratefully into the arms of ours


11:08 pm

watching the food show while cooking and cleaning. oddly soothing bkg noise.
trauma dumping after seeing the pure beauty of japan winter woodlands.
jewel SOBBING. "wild thing" feelings. beast among men. unicorns.
needed to go to the park or something, just be outside.
band practice.
someone stole a lot of KND bars, and condiments.
got home, ate them all, got AWFULLY sick.
watched Dogma.
stayed up late?

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1006 fri 11:08 pm

hack nightmares. felt horrible upon waking. totally disconnected from sense of self.
grocery run in the morning. felt awfully guilty?
thought food from last night was spoiled but it was actually bad hot sauce taste
ended up throwing it all out anyway. got really mad and depressed over it.
went picking pumpkins!
oliver made dinner. it was amazing. 
MASSIVE toxic fallout when we tried to eat bread.
someone tried to RUN AWAY and ollie stopped us on the porch.

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1007 sat 11:12 pm

went out with ollie today.

stopped at asian market. got a final moon cake, red bean buns. also matcha kitkats and seaweed and gingermints. also a kabocha squash! gotta let corvo actually eat some this time.

went uptown!
EVERYTHING WAS FOGGY AND AUTUMNY IT WAS HEAVEN. felt like our heart. like central city. utterly beloved.
kyo color taxi, kris/laurie umbrella pose, blue-realm lights, fancy bakery with macarons and suit dude, filigree chairs, trombone/drums street performers, lynne's "all star" joke, fashionable pretty people and tiny disney princesses everywhere.

stopped at a sushi place. talked to OWEN! felt his color immediately. like heavy smoke. soft but so dark.

the graveyard.
talking about sky burials and reincarnation. felt so alive among all the death. deeply happy oddly.
kissed right there on the sidewalk, felt like the most joyously-paradoxically fitting thing in the world

heavily panicky and dissociated on the ride home? why?
i vaguely remember someone eating the redbean buns but i dont know who. i know jewel Tried to but was pushed out. not healthy behavior at all.

cannot remember a thing once we got home. i think it was a rough night. have to ask oliver.
i'm so sad that we've been so off kilter and full of guilt/shame lately. why?
i guess it's at least something to learn from. heal from. grow. be better.

i know we went to bed early too.
good mood though. everything is always perfect at the end of the day. we never go to bed sad or upset. its impossible, being there with oliver and mason, everyone sleeping in the moonlight, warm and safe and quiet and worth everything it took to be here now.

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1009 mon 11:59 pm

oliver worked.

didnt sleep? went to food lion.
TRIED a few "new" foods for possible future use. no can do.
energy bars, pumpkin oatmeal, nuts.
and you know what? that's all LUXURY FOOD. it SHOULDNT be a staple in our diet anyway!!

woke up super late.
talked LEAGUEWORLDS!!

we made way too much rice & vegs, remember? BUT we tried super hard to eat them safely and succeeded almost flawlessly.
sitting and munching on seaweed and just letting our brain think about leagueworlds.

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1010 tues 11:59 pm

INFI FINALLY FRONTED in the morning. it's been too long.
oskar kissed me.
wanting to kiss EVERYONE in their system. imagining that. in tears.

flawless breakfast. thank god.

went to amelies.
spiced cherry & smores macarons, autumn spice tea.
talked to oskar!!
lynne fronted for MOST of the time.
tons of color realm brainstorming. do our hues adhere to the dream world trio format???
harbor blue vibes at dusk? scary time. but CORVO IS OK WITH IT
made the mistake of buying desserts to take home. can't eat in the car or it becomes panic.

mason made food for ollie, we accidentally ate it, huge guilt response
made more for mason, he said it was delicious

aywas night. too exhausted mentally to do much else.
also tumblr reblogs! went through our drafts. good stuff.
taking that push to do things even when tired (like typing now) ALWAYS pays off.

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1011 wed 

12:03 am

#sky realms #aqua-sky intersection #realm intersections #sky-underground intersection #i'm wondering if ALL the color realms open into the underground at some point? #THAT'S an interesting thought


12:05 am

"Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me’s is me?"

In one way or another, any and all of them are. The potential is ever-present, ever-realized in that paradox of choice.


12:07 am

#heartspace #the earliest jewel-cores always create places like this #verdant and limitless and wild and beautiful #completely empty of people #green #rain #trees


12:11 am

"Excerpt from a book I’m currently reading, from a chapter on the very serious art of necromancy. "and sure, you could probably pursue success without a skeleton army, but where is the fun in that?""

#lime jewelcore #oh heavens this is 100% her #injokes #undead whistling boneless chickens #ironically #she says their skeletons are a separate army #welp #now she's thinking #what have we done


12:13 am

"life is suffering. it is hard. the world is cursed. but still, you find reasons to keep living."

#sheer love-driven determination #because we don't ever give up on each other #life is so worth living #in and of itself #suffering and all #after all look at what we were born from #the simple fact of our existences transmutes that very alleged curse into the deepest blessing #and that alone is reason to cherish this life we have no matter what #princess mononoke


12:18 am


#gif #cannon #before she splintered #notably those utility blades good lord #we can still FEEL this person in memory #but that feeling is hopelessly fractured #it's obvious that that person is not a single person anymore #nge #this episode haunts us to this day


12:40 am

"It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it."

#quote #love #this is so important #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #jump #we will catch you #and we need to jump too #everyone just jump for heavens sakes or we'll never learn to fly


12:47 am

“He often weeps because he can’t find the strength to love beyond fear.”

#quote #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #oh you precious things #you have the strength #if you keep looking for it thinking it is a lost thing it will remain so #take a deep breath and try your d***dest to just BE strong #even for a millisecond #i guarantee you #you will #if only for a millisecond #but that is enough #mustard seeds are still seeds #and virtue is not measured as such #it is as it is #and if you have it #you have it #tiny or not it is an infinite thing #and you do have it #i can feel it in you #i have faith in you #the size of the entire sky #the same sky held in your own heart #and nestled in that tiny seed #i promise you this #one day soon your weeping will be from profound relieved joy #believe this with all the hope you can muster #and i swear to you #every one of us will help you make it a reality #and remember


12:48 am

“Song will take us by the hand And lead us back to light.”

#quote #music #when in doubt turn on spotify #honestly music is profoundly vital to us #it facilitates healing and shatters deadzones #and of course there's that terrible beautiful truth #if you want to fall in love with someone just set them to music #no matter how dark life may get #song will indeed lead us right back to the light #instantly and honestly #we know this #please utilize it

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1011 love 03:08 am

(remembering the first night oliver kissed us. how we wouldnt even admit we were in love, as we couldnt recognize the feeling, and were terrified to even consider the possibility in any case.
now when he kisses us it feels like our mouths fit together. it's the strangest loveliest feeling. everything is effortless and full of such deep soft heavy true simple aching beautiful love.

infi keeps thinking about what their mouth tastes like. how i like it too. how we always have, for everyone, since childhood. how our family shamed us heavily for wanting to kiss people. to touch tongues. to touch at all. to feel heartbeats beneath our fingertips. to hear them, centimeters away from our lips. and all of it staggeringly pure and innocent and aching and ardently knee-shakingly significant even then. childhood desire. what a paradox. what truth. it defines us even now.

how our favorite thing in the world right now is staying up all night until we feel exhausted and hazy and swept up like leaves in the autumn wind, dusk-dawn hues washed over and within our seafaring ribs, as the sun rises and the air brightens... just so we can crawl into bed, with them. safe under simple black and mint covers, with light pouring in slowly behind our heads, wrapped up in their soft warm complete blissful body. hearing them breathe. the scent of their skin. the feeling of their heartbeat against our own. the trust, the silence, the joy. it's the most perfect feeling we can imagine.)




phone notes from today =

Creativity= no expected audience? "Waste of time;" stop own progress
"No mirrors;" no self awareness? Depression.

Missy & the stim jar
What is Bridget doing lately??

Kyanos' halo is braided DRIFTWOOD?
OLIVE BRANCHES??
It's Sterling silver and horizontal?
Zwei= was she a pseudo core??

ATLAS daemon name?? 

SPICED CHERRY, CINNAMON APPLE TEA= HEALTHY VERMILION!!!!

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101217 06:40 pm

Hey kids, Laurie Uberich here. Got shoved out to front in solidarity with Kristanova here, as today's one hell of an "anniversary" date for us both. Kinda the opposite of a birthday.

Not sure how long it's been for him, but... for me, it's been 7 years since I... got this particular scar across my larynx. Seven entire fucking years. God damn.

Tell you what, though. As hellish as the memory is, the fact and reason why I survived is not. And that's what I've really gotta focus on today. That's the reason why I still wear this scar with fiercely aware gratitude. I'm alive because love is stronger than death.

Cheesy? Maybe, but who cares. The truth doesn't care about that. Neither so I. What matters is that it's true, and I'll defend that truth with every breath and every heartbeat I've got left in this life. Hell, it's the least I can do in return. And really? I wouldn't have it any other way.

To our whole damn System, friends and freaks and foes and forlorn, every last one of you-- I fucking love you. With everything I've got in me. That'll never change.

Kris, again, not sure what your side of the story is, but I'll tell you one thing-- we are all seriously glad you're still around, too. Edges and all. We love you too, y'know. So do all of yours. And that's genuine love, man. No matter what, it ain't leavin', and neither are we. Don't forget that.

Here's to being alive.

-L.U.


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07:57 pm


#harbor blue realms #this is a TERRIFYING vibe for us #which is why we thank god that this color now exists in our spectrum #that means that now it can he healed #now it can be loved for exactly what it is #system healing #harbor blue #color realms #realm vibes



1012 thurs 11:59 pm

band day.

picked up mason

someone stole mints and energy bars from the school again. that bleached white kid who can't understand that it BELONGS TO OTHER PEOPLE.
that person is working in scavenger mode, trying not to "starve," AND trying to "feel like part of humanity" by touching peoples lives in this way. in passing, unseen and unheard and undetected. but desperate to feel included.

went to jack in the box all together, actually ate a FULL MEAL and wasnt scared or anything. it was wonderful.

purposely unloaded the mints in front of ollie. wanted to get caught.
confessed EVERYTHING.
i cannot remember the conversation at all. i dont know who spoke, or about what.
but oliver said it was terrifying, how suicidal and depressed and numb and blind they were

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101317 fri 11:59 pm

josephina's BIRTHDAY!! i know he fronted in the morning, when we were in bed. talked to oliver.

wore his outfit today! sequin skull top, skull flower shorts, bokeh leggings, yellow shades. only thing missing were his trademark jingle bell earrings because we don't own any.
also found and wore our beloved gold FISH NECKLACE from christmas about 15 years ago, if not more. i remember it was in a tiny box at the bottom of our stocking, when we were standing next to the tree (which was where ranndall's desk is now). it's also one of the ONLY actual "christmas present" memories we have at all, which is bizarre as we ADORE that holiday, but which makes sense because our mother always made christmas day a scripted filmed performance, and that = instant heavy dissociation and toxic socializing. ah well. can't complain. we had boss trees and we got some good presents over the years, like that necklace!
honestly we love that little fishy fish. we're going to wear him all the time now.

went to the witchy shop!
candles, altars, bat skeletons, gemstones, candles, oils, tarot decks, skulls, ouija boards, taxidermied butterflies, skulls made of sugar, the HEART VASE, etc. amazing place.
rio was out for a bit! totally enamored. "why didnt you call me out here sooner!" not mad, just wanted to see more of the place. we'll definitely go back one day, let him have a grand old time with his daemon. (it's a date)
left our old unicorn-bookmark ribbon on the community altar for sister symphorose. very significant gift-sacrifice. felt right.
we bought a "motivation" candle that was almost knife's color and smelled like me. same kind they sell at e.n., but a massively larger selection. good stuff.
oliver was showing us gemstones that had relevance to their system, like smoky quartz for owen. one of them was trolley resonant? i forget which, i apologize. and of course ollie himself resonates with labradorite, that gorgeous iridescent stone. i love that.

also went to the nearby game store, THEY HAVE VIRTUAL ON!!!!! also NiGHTS and the baten kaitos sequel and zone of enders and MEWTWO PLUSHIES. gosh it was awesome. games are so good.
also we adore watching and listening to oliver talk about games, especially n64 stuff as we never had one but it's his fave. man we just love being a part of his life now in every way.

the DOOR TO NOWHERE!
seriously we went walking past the game store and there was this storefront with blacked out windows, but when we walked around behind it there was NOTHING. just an empty lot, nothing but grass, and that door. we walked across it and walked through the door back out onto the sidewalk. it felt utterly unreal, like legit headspace. the grass under our feet felt like a dream, like dreams do for us-- wide awake and more real than the waking. it was amazing.
i know jewel fronted almost instinctively as soon as we set foot in that lot. that's her element, after all. endless adventure and wandering. the great infinitely undiscovered world. that's her, always.

did we stop somewhere to eat today? i can't recall. i don't remember eating at all today but i know we did.

anyway we set up the porch altar when we got home! it's gorgeous. we put our musical spheres on it, plus our catholic-pagan things, aha. blessed oil and impossible frankincense and studded crosses and legit thurible incense & myrrh. also some headspace things, like infinitii's salt bubble necklace, chaos' 2011 heart charm, the nosebleed bell, cupid's heart earring, etc. also our christmas candles even though it's almost samhain. it just feels fantastic. i love the whole concept of altars; we miss having one too. oliver lit a blue candle for opening (kyanos vibes!) and we burnt some holy wood, which smells divine. 

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1014 sat 12:09 pm

Morning talk
Triple, overload, Josh, blue girl!! unicorn!
Wild thing feeling. Running, woods, can't be games. Ripping off masks. Boyle party comparison. JEWEL CORES
"Who are you, alone? Then BE THAT"
"Not a stuffed animal." CORE DEATH= TOO WHITE!! no teeth or edges. NEED RED/BLACK.
plural vs single. Jayce chokehold. "PLURAL" CORE SHIFT?? everyone, not just one!
Cores vs frontrunners.
Unmet needs? PA vs here. Not belonging there. MAKE A LIST.
reclaiming the words: monster, beast, animal. 


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1017 tues 07:47 pm

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty – that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

#quote #truth #beauty #system healing #the definition of beauty is such a fascinating topic #its reality is purely intuitive and unquestionable #and thats why we love it #beauty and horror #are not mutually exclusive #we need to type about this


11:59 pm

Absolutely perfect day, God bless.
went to the sprint store, changed our phone number last night and apparently the phone needed to be reset before it would work.
dead gray fox on the side of the road.
2hr salad, while watching The good place. we LOVE that show.
Biscuits! best dinner we've had in AGES, because we all made it together and ate it together. bliss.
Tumblr on our phone. oliver asleep against our legs while mason played the ps4. so in love.
Anatomy coloring book, learning a lot. deep sheer joy at understanding our body more.


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1018 wed =  11:59 pm

Pop tarts. good breakfast, then tried too hard and messed up badly.
really it was all motivated by GUILT. the pop tarts were for mason but "they MADE us eat so many pop tarts at umpc so we HAVE TO keep eating them!!" felt awful about it but "no choice." that is such a toxic mindset, it needs to stop

don't remember the rest of the day


phone note=
COLOR ASSOCIATIONS
Music, flowers, smells, textures, bugs, animals, tastes, styles, etc.



101817 dream

Time travel? Dead. Games in rafters. Flying.
Chelsea, blue? "beacon boy" alter. On diamew hill, talking to her w/ ollie
Watching play/musical in yard? Wolf deer cat bear thing.
Tv musical w/ grandpa, used a digital contraption to get special channel with it. Us trying to find it on spotify. M title, 2 words.
CHIDI and my lotus necklace, Seemed evasively suspicious of the charm? "Dark." Obviously unspoken indication he had spoken to INFI about it, didn't know what to make of it.
I asked "did ze flirt with you"
Confusedly flustered reply of "yes"


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101917 thurs  11:59 pm

Watched season 2 of the good place! amazing so far.
Massive salad.

Band.
Ahrima attempted to steal BUT the rest of us PROMISED we'd stop him. so we did. immediately evaluated motives; shocked to realize that we didn't actually want to steal!! just an old compulsion, miserable.
Massive panic-gratitude reaction.

Problem eating at home? Almost no memory.
we only remember listening to Ollie talk about the owls. treasured that.

Trauma dumping. About what?
Bed at 3. Very happy. 


phone note =

To help stabilize!
can't front, name hazy, faceless, etc.

• Kyanos
• Eros
• Amara

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102017 fri =10:16 pm

trauma dumping in the morning. told ollie ALL the SLC stuff we had buried for years.

picked up mason, went shopping at target. good candles.
got sushi. ate tons of broccoli, tried everything.
stopped at harris teeter, got toothpaste and some vegetables. also a cookie for the kids.

Home, fixing phone. Roms.
Tried cooking dinner, blackouts. Panic attacks.
Got VERY sick.

Watching no man's sky. Resting. brain couldnt do anything but watch, no spoons at all. but we adore watching oliver play that game, it was good.

went out on the porch for a while together. barely conscious. i know there was a lot of pain, not sure who fronted or talked? but it ended on good terms. always does. we love them too much. same with ourselves. ultimately, always.

in bed, infi and i there, too tired to full front though.
oliver said something about "i'm still haunted" and infi just flooded with love. 



phone notes= 

• Yume nikki 0917

RAZOR & INFI CONNECTION????
• Both broke off Cores
• Red & black
• RAZOR TORE HIR OUT

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102117  07:41 pm

aisophiel
brown-haired "angel" evidencing when we look in the mirror. obvious "jayce bloodline" fronter fix attempt?
name immediate. overlay solid, but gauzy. could easily demanifest or solidify, depending on whether or not his anchor solidifies enough during this "embryonic" state.
but he's surprisingly aware even so. keep an eye on him, dont let anyone fade out due to neglect

anteros/ asteros?
"god of requited love" vs star-based similar term? also apparently this dude
possible core names. not sure. neither really "click" to the heart but they are still resonant.


090608 cherie died. keep the date, revere it every year

AHRIMA is the current "blind white" fronter!
REMEMBER THE UDNERGROUNDERS COMMENTARY ON THE INFLUTUSA JOURNAL
we havent re-read that entry in Years and it's about time we did

★ ORIGINAL JAYCE/INFLUTUSA BLOODLINE RESEARCH?????

JAY CORES =
GOLD/ WHITE/ RED CORE COLOR SCHEME?
HAIR VS SKIN VS EYES, ETC.

FROSTED GLASS???
CHRISTMAS GLOW VIBE??


+ "at soup" injoke today
(walking through store, dissociated hard in soup aisle-- too much data. so many cans. laurie shows up, baffled but concerned; "kid are you ok")

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102117 sat  11:59 pm

morning name research.
put old passwords in computer.
shopping. walmart. awfully overwhelming, flashbacky. got produce though.
breakfast was flawless again, thank god.
just barely though? someone tried too hard? feeling like we ate something problematic. minor though.

showing oliver old sketchbook pages, photos.

tried to eat dinner, got horrifically sick. crushing nausea and stomach pain. ended up throwing up, miserable.

listening to old infi's theme ideas, and singing files.
uploading archives.

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102317 mon  10:53 pm

morning in bed,
talking to kris and kyo.

INSANE switching. feeling just how many frontrunners we have, most of them white.
feeling out the subtle vibe shifts, name variances, color harmonies.

trip to food lion and the library.

THUNDERSTORM.
elucidae creeping about again! good. glad he's sticking around, we need him.

baten kaitos!

biscuits for dinner. super good.

miserable, unfortunate binge.
someone tried to make grits/rice/eggs/livermush, but then added beans and we got REALLY sick.

awful depression all night? probably because we "messed up although we tried very hard"
that or eating flour.

took a night off though. just browsed tumblr. it helped a LOT.



phone notes =

WE NO LONGER HAVE "ONE MAIN PERSON" !!!
EVERYBODY RUNS THIS LIFE, NOT JUST THE ASSUMED CORE!

WHITE NAMES=
Adakias
Snowfall
Iridos
Ahrima?
Jayce/ Pinstripe?

PLUS GOLD=
Parahelion

PLUS RED=
Cupid?

PLUS RED & GOLD=
Poinsettia?
Anteros



SPINE IS HUGELY IMPORTANT AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN. GIVE HER MORE LOVE & ATTENTION!!

+"PSEUDO DAEMONS"???
+HEADSPACE SPECIES??
+DEIFIC THINGS, DIVINITY IN GENERAL??
+INNERWORLDBUILDING LIKE HIRAETH!!
+NAME OUR INNER WORLD
+LOTUS=COLLECTIVE HEART

CONTEXT TRANSITIONS
Day to night = outer to inner
Instant with technology.
BLUE???

How to ease transition; prevent jarring mismatch? Day during night dissonance

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102517 wed   11:59 pm

woke up super late?

went out for sushi with ollie.
quick shopping trip to food lion as we're super low on groceries until the weekend.

don't remember much of today at all, we apologize.


phone notes =


Touching lives. Gold feeling.
Earl grey tea & white chocolate

Jessica bloodline
Iolite & ahrima took the phone call



"HEARTHFIRE"

HEARTSPACE= BOSCOVS LOBBY DOORS
INFINITE WHITE SPACE 2003???
UNDEFINED HOLODECK
LIMITLESS POTENTIAL BUT ONLY WITH A HEART TO REALIZE IT

BLACKSPACE PARALLEL??????

BASILICA & CATHEDRAL REVISITS!!!!
OASIS ROOM?? RAZOR SPIRE?? ETC.??
LEAGUELINK ROOM???

HEARTSPACE VS FLOATSPACE

LEON'S CATHEDRALS????????
WHY IS HE TIED TO HOLY BUILDINGS???
INDIGO POSSIBLE HUGE UNREALIZED RELEVANCE

LEAGUE + HEADSPACE COLOR MEANINGS, OVERLAP?
NAME FOR HEADSPACE!!!!!
PLANET FEELINGS; ALSO DW & COLOR REALMS
CENTRAL SKY VS DW SKY??????

THERE ARE HUGE OVERLOOKED PARALLELS BETWEEN HEADSPACE AND THE DREAM WORLD IN TERMS OF FUNCTION AND PURPOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!


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102617 sun  11:59 pm

terrifically sick in the morning, i remember.
we were so sad because we wanted this to be a church morning but our body was a mess.

virtually NO memory of this day at all



phone notes =

Nebula caves
Organ parallel areas BODY MAP

VERMILION REALMS???? FIRE???
BEETLES????

"PLANE OUT OF PHASE"
Vale of Shadows???
"Cast shadow walk"
Unicorns and druids? DND

PAPER PLATE HOLEPUNCH GATE

Rio's Ouija wall
My "moose" wall, too + BOYS & BUNNY????

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102717 fri  11:59 pm

today ollie got CASH MONEY.
we made it. thank god. it was a tough two weeks but by golly what a weird blessing it was.
learning to trust. learning to be honest and open with fears and hopes and struggles and failings. being brave and admitting our faults and striving to be better. having a concrete REASON to get better. learning to love more.
our socials are learning empathy now. our socials are learning to relax into love now. we were forced to stop being obsessively fearfully "self-sufficient" and now we're softer and more caring and gosh. who would've thought that a sudden stint of poverty in a LOVING HOME could cause more gratitude than fear?
but we made it. now we have money again, and we can use it prudently and lovingly now. what a blessing.

breakfast was eggs on those little dinner rolls we got from the food pantry and OH MAN. it was wonderfully delicious, we really enjoyed it.

more stranger things. started season 2!

ollie went to dress rehearsal alone.
we planned to do leagueworld work but then someone PANICKED over the canned food and destroyed it all.
so much of it was flat-out trauma trigger stuff. we completely blackout binged as far as i can see. just treating ourself as badly as we would have back in PA. feeling obligated to repeat the pattern. terrified and miserable but feeling stuck.
collards, corn, beans, pintos, tomato soup. the smell of it immediately triggered panic dissociation. we instantly forgot where we were. it felt like a war zone. like dusty yellow death. i cannot remember anything

dear god. we are so sorry. why cant we seem to help this.

but we survived. we stopped and we went straight to the computer and thank god, it's over, it's over.
remember how some nights in PA we'd abuse ourself for up to 10 hours?? vomiting until our nose bled and our legs bled and the room spun and dipped and we couldn't breathe or walk or speak? i do. just barely. but it's enough.
guess what? that's over, forever. it's OVER.
today was rough, true, but we didn't lose ourself. we knew we wanted to stop, we recognized WHY we were struggling, and we stopped, and we now know. we learned. even if it was hell. we were allowed to leave hell, once we recognize we were in it, once we decided we didn't want to be in it, once we believed we didn't deserve to be stuck there, once we found the heart-guts to forgive ourselves out of it and start walking back to heaven instead.
what a blessing. what a blessing to be here, no matter what.



phone notes =

Time flies when you're in Love

TRICKSTER FIGURES
TRICKSTER POKEMON
SACRED CLOWNS
COURT JESTERS
BARDS
CHAOS THEORY?
LOKI

BLOODLINES=

JEWEL
Spinny???
Jessica
Cannon + INFLUTUSA???
Jayce
Jay?

WORK ON HEADSPACE JARGON/ CONCEPT FILE

SOCIAL LEVEL FUNCTION DIFFS
"INSIDE SOCIALS" VS "TALKERS"???

BLUE & GREEN RELEVANCE
CENTRE FOREST, SEED/FLOWER?!?!????
WTF UNIVERSE

HEART MONITOR (PHONE FEELINGS)

INCORPORATING THAT CHILDHOOD SACREDNESS INTO HEADSPACE

NAME HEADSPACE
NEW WORDS FOR SYSTEMS?
VS SPECTRUM (S???)


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the end, the beginning = Oct. 29th, 2017 11:11 am



7 years ago today, we tried to end it all.

7 years ago today, we thought we were hopelessly lost.

Now, the doors to the future have been blown wide open.

Now, we have found a luminous road stretching on into infinite sunrises.

We are facing what truly lies beyond.

And this is eternally worth living for.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


geometric law and fluidity = 103017 12:06 am


"someone asked me to draw my entire angel headcanon really fast i don’t thINK THIS WORKED?? #i had a dream that ended in the words ‘We are geometric law and fluidity in one’ and it became my inspo #six wings one head long flowy robe and however many hands needed #fabric like nebulas and translucent /sphere/ halo so it’s a perf circle no matter where you look from #light it like molotov cocktail and boom angel from the book of amanda"
Of all the posts to survive from our old blog, I am joyously grateful that it’s this one. To this day, this is THE closest representation to how I feel at my core.
#jay's post #angels #oh my heart #honestly this is almost EXACTLY what my true overlay feels like #angelic and strange and tons of fire and feathers and flare #geometric law and fluidity in one #i adore this #this makes me want to weep from joy #trueforms #cores



07:06 am

"hey, i hope it's okay, but i read your dreamwidth and i had a question for you. what is the kinsara day? i don't think i've heard that word before. i think you're brave for writing out all of the grief you go through. thanks."

Ah, that was a reference to a day in 2012 when we met someone by that name. The entry written about it hasn’t been uploaded yet but it will be within the week.
In any case, of course it’s okay that you read our Dreamwidth; that’s why it’s online! And thank you deeply for the kind words. It’s tough to be brave some days, but we don’t give up on each other. That alone is all the courage we need.
You are always welcome. We hope our shared struggles and victories can help you in your own life, even in a little way.



11:24 pm

"sometimes, you just have to make it through the night. it'll be ok"

#to all our depressed socials #to all our trauma holders #to those of us still isolating themselves from love #hold on #hold on to our outstretched hands #let us hold you to our collective heart #itll be okay #we love you #there is always a sunrise #and we are here for you in every second until then #and every second after #youll make it through #you always have #you always do #we have faith in you #you are so much stronger than you realize #the night loves you too #let that soft shadow into your heart #befriend the darkness #and let fear be transmuted into love #undying hope #system healing #words

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103117 05:53 pm


The Valley of the Shadow of Death, John Martin

#DUDE WHAT EVEN #chthonic realms #THIS LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THEM #headspace locations




103117 tues   11:59 pm

SAMHAIN!

Morning phone call.

Crisis AVERTED!

flawless breakfast. On porch! Vegetables, some spicy rice. Lovely.

Browsing dishonored Tumblr, tea. Ollie sleeping on our legs.

Set up altar. Candles and incense and names to burn.

HALLOWEENING!!
Wore a suit and a rosary and a wing jacket and a HALO of led-drop wire lights. So good.
Got SO much candy it was hilarious and wonderful.
So many lives we met briefly, we love them.
Fire pit, jump girl, dog dude, orange woman, loom girl, drunk moms, thankyou lady, porch duo, etc. Dogs everywhere. Decorations and warm lights all about. It was so so good. Everything we ever dreamed of.

Stopping by the lake with Owen. He felt like that dark water, the ripples from unknown movement within. The dark beautiful terrible mystery and grace. Us feeling like the stars above, cold and burning and brilliant and gorgeously unknowable and yet so heartfelt familiar. Stoplights. Constellations. Reflected in that dark water.

Hearing OWLS!! what a sound!
Also the green streetlight photo. So nice.

eating candy and HEARTS.
SACRED, sacred, sacred.
Touching them in the sink and weeping. So holy and intimate I could barely breathe.
That soft spot over the left ventricle. The deep red tendonae within. That organ smell.
God it was divine.
And then we got to EAT ONE oh lord. The taste, the feeling. Utterly unforgettable. The most resonant thing in the world. Our body has never craved something so sincerely before, honestly.
Infi and I ate it together, blissed and shaking with reverence, bloodied water running down our arms, cardiac muscle in our shared teeth. The taste of life on our tongue. God.
The center if it, pinker and softer and so warm, hits Infi so hard it's unreal. Its a tangible inner sensory memory. It's daemon stuff. And of course I'm half holyjackal now so of course cardiophagy is even more of my thing now too. Both of us lost in it. Afterwards feeling like waking up from a lucid dream. Geez.
Two more left, perfect, we've got two more holy days to celebrate.

Altar prayers and ritual. Ollie and mason and us. Talking about life and death, the sacredness of it all. Deeply moving.
Burning banishing coins, set out dumb suppers. Everything felt so right and good and holy and precious.

Dragons, salad. Tumblr talk. Love and missing us.

Perfect, perfect, perfect day 


phone notes =

"If we're not alive, who's going to honor the dead?"
Fundamental misunderstanding of dead people-- they WERE PREVIOUSLY ALIVE!! They weren't always ghosts!

102417 mon 11:59 pm

stayed in bed until 5. worth every moment.

can't remember much right now due to fatigue and depression and switchy memory loss. but we will write what we can.

infi fronting as ETERNOS, ALSO LOTS OF EYES
me cofronting with hir as well.
chaos talking to oliver briefly.
memories of ice and iridescence in our eyelashes.
"iolite" fronting, HER VIBE IS VERY DIFFERENT THAN ASSUMED. not like the other jessica roots.
axis saying "what did i tell you about dirt"
celebi commenting, "i'm more important than you think i am" hearts = time
socials telling infi the body was hungry. not sure if they realized who they were speaking to.
quoting "i love you in the open sea"
freckles as stars, cinnamon, sand, etc. moon colored skin.
toy soldier face shadow.
so much love

late breakfast. just cucumbers and sriracha.
oliver playing no mans sky, SUPER HOKTHAI INSPIRATION with the korvax, oh my gosh i think that series is finally blooming into its full heart this is amazing

stirfry for dinner, we made it. really nice.

then an awful binge attempt after dinner. misrouted creative drive again.
someone almost ate all the potatoes from earlier, forgot that eating starchy carbs like that make us VERY SICK unless they are super watered down. why do they keep buying them. probably to "force that to change." it's not working dude, it's been like this for years.
thank god we made it past. no catastrophe. but this HAS TO STOP.
is this because we wake up late? and the body is trying to get another meal in before the nighttime fast for like 9 solid hours, then sleep?
in any case it is crushing our self worth and making us feel horrible because it is so cruel and selfish and uncaring. to ourself and to others outside.
why is there no love in this
why do we black out SO HARD every time oliver leaves for work
what do we do, we need to figure this out.

ANYWAY AHRIMA HAS A DAEMON THAT'S CALLING ITSELF BARAYAS
NO ONE IS SURPRISED BUT STILL HOLY HEAVEN
we all knew he needed one.

we are also super depressed, fuzzy headed, and chronically sore because we haven't been exercising.
legit tempted to go out and run right now at 3am.
feedback loop with depression; too sad to run, sad because we're not running.

we havent been texting oliver back for the same reason.
depressed, denying ourself the good? terribly unhealthy. self abuse.

sitting here smelling this candle and listening to the hyper light drifter soundtrack but we can't get our head on straight. want to cry. not drinking water, that's making it worse.
so so sad. but still hope burning in our chest. we know this isn't forever. we know we can change, we know what to change, we know how to change, just arent sure how to apply that change yet. but we will.

 

We haven't been updating lately, and we apologize.

Part of it is the daily schedule. Typically, we don't get to bed until at least 2am when Oliver is off work, as we stay up late and talk and watch TV or just let people front and love, love love. Sometimes we don't get to sleep until 6. And when Oliver does work, like tonight, we stay up alone until he comes home at 7 and then we just sleep through the morning until like 3pm. So if we don't type at night, like now, we don't get to-- we're too busy, too wrapped up in life and love, to sit at a computer for hours.
Our laptop doesn't have internet access, so we've been using theirs. It's a huge gesture of trust, one we deeply appreciate and are clearly aware of every single time we use it. We can and do type on ours, but updating only happens here-- or through our phone, for dream journal entries and emergency mobile updates and little thoughts.
Lately, though, we've been so caught up in daily life that we've been "forgetting" to take notes ON the day, and forgetting. We watched the entirety of Sense8, we started playing Baten Kaitos, we talked to Hiccup and Kris and OWEN and Kyo, we wandered through the school at band practice, we drove to the bank and we drove to the Sunrise diner and we drove to sacred beloved secret Taproot. We read more of our library books and we browsed through Tumblr and we finished backing up our Spotify library. We made a Twitter and a Facebook, we spoke to our grandfather and we heard from our therapist and we emailed our little brother. We planned a tentative financial budget and we walked through trauma memories. We communicated and we made mistakes and we were brave and daring and foolish and hopeful and scared and worried and full of love. We hurt and we healed. We messed up and tried again. We lived. We are living.
Right now, we don't have the spoons to type any recap entries on specific days. That sort of memory scouring is rather exhausting. Abstract entries like this, thoughtdumps, are relaxing and cathartic and honest and need to happen just as much as data logs do.

We stayed up all last night finishing uploading the 2010 archives and starting 2011. Having to go through that time period, watching Cannon and Jayce steadily deteriorate from depression and trauma and shock and regret and fear and rage and betrayal and despair, winding down to that horrible suicide attempt in October, a few weeks away from 7 years ago now... having to reread the terrors of SLC and the psych ward and the medication fallout and... and Laurie's suicide attempts, too... it hurt. It ached, and it hurt, and it made us want to weep.
Add that to all the trauma healing we do EVERY single day, and of course our poor soul is exhausted.
There was a lot of communication on that topic this "morning," before we and the Arrows got out of bed. I forget how it started, but we were clarifying verbal communication-- our battered brain is paranoid about the use of certain words and phrases that it previously Only heard in abusive or traumatic situations-- and talking through trust and forgiveness and hope. We're being more honest and open and daring than ever, and it feels amazing, even when it's a rocky road and it hurts and we're terrified of hurting people in the process.
But... that's a truth about love, REAL love, that we've known for a long time.
"I love you... you couldn't hurt me if you tried."

We went to the bank and cashed our SSI check and paid Ollie back for groceries and got some vegetables for today. Then we got home and ate and read library books and OWEN showed up fronting, and we talked to him for a little while about how strange it is to have a body and live in it but how wonderful it is too, in a fragile unique way. We love that kid; we're so glad we got to meet him. Then we went on a run for about 40 minutes, and at someone's behest, stopped at Compare Foods to see what they have (nothing we need) and try a few of the pastries because for whatever reason, someone in our System keeps desperately wanting to "try" such foods. I know it's a family-pleasing panic obligation. But I ALSO trust those nousfoni now, to ONLY get what they need, to be wise about it, to not force what makes them sick. And THAT is a HUGE improvement from even last month. Remember when we first started trying to legit heal this eating disorder outside of the family house? Those poor nousfoni would go through HELL every single day. Yes, we're still struggling with food amounts and timing and not getting trauma or guilt or shame reactions that cause purges, but God knows we do better EVERY day. I mean that. I feel it, and I'm profoundly grateful and joyful about it. So we got a few things and got home and Ollie was sleeping but then he kissed us in that way we miss like our own heart and good Lord. It sets our heart on fire. THAT'S what the original 8 days felt like-- just like those kisses. That sleepy ardor. THAT'S what our love is like. Gosh. If they didn't have to go to work, heaven knows what would have happened, haha.
Oh! And we talked to Kris this morning, as we were lying in bed. Gosh we love him too. I remember him saying how weird it was to look at his hands and see that they weren't mint green. Owen mentioned that, too, how strange it was to have light colored skin. (He said the color of our nails made them look like little seashells; that was so deeply sweet.)
We can't remember too much lately, possibly due to this weird creeping fatigue... but we remember feelings, impressions, vibes. The essences of things. I remember briefly discussing synaesthesia with Oliver as we dried dishes, about tasting colors and seeing sounds and things. I remember the borzoi painting and the feeling of System love and awe Oliver was radiating, and how we felt that too for them. I remember being at the bank and the sweet woman there calling us by our birthname but STILL USING THE RIGHT PRONOUNS, oh my Lord, I didn't even know that COULD happen. That was an absolute GAME CHANGER. I wonder if that will have a deep effect ON our deadname holders??? Geez. Wow. PROBABLY. We'll see.
I remember last night, Oliver saying how the heart is so tied to electricity, and me suddenly realizing that electricity has always inexplicably been LAURIE'S element, and wondering what that says about her.
But tonight... it was a little tricky. Someone did try the pastries, and were both upset that they didn't like 99% of them and deeply relieved that they didn't like 99% of them. We KNOW we don't actually like desserts. They're OK at the start, with deconstructive textures and things, but the heaviness and sweetness makes us very ill very fast. So, what do we do? We get data, we avoid buying it anymore in the physical, and we let hungry scared doubtful nousfoni eat those things INSIDE, where they won't hurt our body or our wallet. And it WORKS! Thank God. Told you we're learning. So today was a success. Now we know even more! And we practiced our ability to say "no, I don't like this personally," "no, I don't want to eat all of that," "no, I don't actually want to buy this," etc. ALSO. We learned that our brain is VERY CONFUSED by that use of negatives. "Don't do this" is literally "do this" with a "don't" stapled on. It's a paradox of words. The BEST way to talk to our brain is to say: "I want to eat small amounts," "I would rather refrain from buying this," "this food is dissonant with our vibe," etc. Avoid using paradox negatives and say things straight. It's tricky and takes some thinking, but it does help our brain, weird as it. But we're tired of "hating" our own brain for being weird. It's how we are, it's how we've always been. We've tried to change it and it hasn't worked. So we accept it, embrace it, love it, work with it compassionately and kindly and carefully. Knowing that the Broken Arrows love and embrace and accept both us and our strange little brain just as sincerely is... amazing. We always hoped someone would be willing to do that in the physical. Thank God that hope came true.

This morning, we tried to sleep on the porch for about an hour before Oliver came home. It's cold out though, now-- colder with the fact that our body is hovering around 104 pounds and we still struggle with panic-purging behavior, both things which make this poor body rather frozen feeling-- but we love that little icy nip in the air, frosty kids that we are, and so we lugged a bunch of blankets out and snuggled up into a fuzzy nest with Chaos Zero's anchor plush and a pair of headphones plugged into our phone, and just watched the sun rise all beautiful as we drifted in and out of sleep. It was pure bliss. We couldn't feel our toes afterwards and our body was SO tired from staying up late and reading trauma memories and not eating well that we could barely walk to get back inside, but being able to cuddle up to Ollie in an attempt to both warm up and doze off was just as blissful. Gosh this new life is so nice. All these perfect little moments are what make life worth living. Even if we still have to worry about adult responsibilities still, like rent and food and bills and legal things, that's just fleeting stuff. It's the business of this life, but when you go out into the woods, or go out under the stars, or go under the water, or under the ground, or fall into a dream, or into a dream creature, if you know what I mean... well, those moments are what matter. Those moments touch eternity, flow right into it, show you what really matters and lasts and continues outside time and inside our hearts. That's what it's worth staying alive for. This body, this little life, allows us to tangibly touch those things, and that's so beautiful and special and good. That's what we have here. Thank God for this.

We listened to a lot of Leonard Cohen last night because WOW WHAT A VOICE. Oh my gosh. It's like... it's a heavy shade, but if it's Green or Blue resonant I can't quite tell yet. Feels like those, could be different. But so many of his song lyrics are AMAZINGLY System relevant. The first one we heard, "You Want It Darker," is 100% resonant with our own Darkspacers, almost shockingly so. "You Got Me Singing," "Come Healing," "On The Level"... so many of them are achingly relevant to us. And he writes lyrics like POETRY, oh my Lord. We HAVE to study them, it's so inspiring.
But yes. Music is so so good. We can't wait to get back into exploring and finding new artists, and writing about them.

We're super tired right now, and oddly sad. I think we're just... upset that we had food trouble this evening. We made a salad and ate it, but then we tried too hard to eat bread and mayonnaise with it and we KNOW mayo makes us sick but "UMPC said we HAD to eat it" and we did get sick and now we're upset. But we have to forgive ourself. The nousfoni that keep forcing that are just trying to do what they were told, and therefore "be good" and obedient and non hurtful to others. But... those people are absent from our current life. They cannot see us here, we are untrackable here. They have moved on from us, they are out of our life. Now,the choices we make are OURS and OURS ALONE. So, we have to obey our own heart. Now, we have the right to DECIDE whether or not WE want mayonnaise or a sandwich or a salad or oatmeal or anything at all right now. And guess what? Every choice you make is valid. It's okay and allowed and good to say NO if that is what you truly feel is healthy and safe and good for you/us! And please, ALWAYS remember that we are a WE. That is the key.
And I hear the socials respond, "I know," with all heartfelt honesty and hurting hope. ...God. Wow. Two weeks ago they'd be screaming and sobbing that they weren't part of "us." Now it's self-evident. Man. We really are growing.
Jason is friendlier and not lying about things in shame and not being selfish. Juniper is still our indomitable failsafe. Briar and Hoban are learning that life is bigger and brighter and broader than the panic and stagnancy they're used to. Joshua is letting go of those heavy self-blame feelings. Even the Jessicas are growing, softening, healing. Cayenne and Axis and Chocoloco are reaching out in compassion more, learning from Infi, helping more than ever now, making the whole System feel more deeply loving and alive.
This is amazing. How in the world did we live without this forward movement of the heart? Thank God we took the chance of coming here. It's worth everything that brought us to this point, every effort and pain and risk and mistake and second chance. It's worth it all, to see how the light in us keeps getting brighter for it.

We haven't been talking inside as much as we want to lately. But we are talking in snippets here and there, it never stops.
The other night, two nights ago I think?-- We were mentally letting our brain bring up traumatic memories and we were just walking through them with the nousfoni that held them, BEING there for them NOW when at the time they were alone and terrified and unsafe and scared... redefining the memories, healing the contexts, soothing the past. It's WORKING. Family memories, hospital memories, travel memories, childhood memories... all of it, any of it, whatever comes up, we courageously and lovingly move into together and we HEAL. We TRANSMUTE that lead into gold, that coal into diamonds. That is why we exist. And heaven knows we're succeeding at it, and we need to admit that to ourselves. That's good and allowed, too. It means we're bringing more Light and Love into the world, and that is something to rejoice in, humbly but jubilantly.

Our Discover Weekly playlist this week is full of Asian music. I wonder why? It's all KPop and Japanese classical and the like. It's lovely, and we are thoroughly enjoying this, but we wonder why Spotify chose that for the genre focus this week. We're just fascinated by how those algorithms work.

What else for tonight.
Oh. It's October. It's Libra month for the next 3 weeks. That means our Core HAS to solidify within the next 20 days or so. The previous Jay-- Iridos-- has effectively collapsed, due to being so battered by name abuse and trauma and doubt that he turned empty-white and lost sight of his true self. The new Core MIGHT rename the bloodline, and we KNOW that they're bringing a new color to it: GOLD. They also might bring RED back in, as that's VITAL for existing with the body, for uniting the inner and the outer, and the previous all-WHITE Cores were NOT doing that, and it was damaging everyone. But we're intrigued by this multi-color resonance the new Spectrum function has been hinting at? Because the Cores have ALWAYS resonated with the FULL Alchemical color set: black, white, red, AND gold. And we wonder if that default is going to become the TRUE default in entirety? It's interesting!
Still not sure on the form shifts, how that works... our current forming Core has that seraphic form AND that Anubis form, as well as a tentative humanoid form which is WEIRDLY holding the old Deon hairstyle but tinted pastel cerise??? And he DOES have facial hair, tying him to the body even more. Not sure on names yet, but we keep being pulled back to old Greek mythology references, and that's making us wonder if maybe THAT'S why "Eros" has been unable to truly anchor in after resurrecting, because he took that name from a past CORE and so it's not really his!! Huh. He says he'd like a name of his own, as the true meaning of that name is definitely not his to carry, so we'll see.

Well, it's 2am, our eyes hurt, we have tea on the stove, we have a headache, we're feeling physically grubby and tired and still sad depressed, so maybe the healthiest thing to do would be to not stay up too late and instead go lie down and let people cry and feel and talk and heal. This sort of uncomfortable weepy-angry feeling is a SOLID indicator that someone needs to be paid attention to, as they have something that ALL of us need to work with right now for the sake of System health.

We might upload a few more 2011 entries tonight, but if not, at least we got a daily entry in, and that makes us very happy. We miss this.

We love all of you. Sorry this entry didn't get into deep headspace stuff, but our mind is too fatigued to do so tonight, and that's okay too. For everything there is a season. When we can, we will write a heartspill entry, and you all know that is beautifully inevitable.
Have a beautiful, beautiful night.

 

thursday sept 7 11:11 pm


omelette breakfast!

DRIVING to the store to buy soap.
starbucks!

talking religious stuff with mason & ollie

reblogging realm stuff on tumblr.

SCOTTISH ACCENTS.

cardiophagy.

kissing will never be the same.
sexuality will never be the same.

lips feel and taste like heart muscle.
sexual contact feels just like touching it.
infi kept running hir fingers over and through and into it as we held it in the sink,
under the water no less.
jay kept just stroking it. feeling the muscle striation, the strength of it, the lingering life.
it was an absolute religious experience. it was an absolute intimate experience.
jay ate it in his "anubis" form, cofronting with infi.
biting into it, tearing at some points, but ALWAYS so deeply shakingly reverent.
taking it into our own body. life feeding life. more sacred sexuality right there.
just… eating a HEART. it was utterly sacrosanct. we ate the entire thing.
blood running down our arm. the tendons in our teeth. the aorta on our tongue. dear god.

no fear at all today

laurie talking to oliver on the porch; HOLDING A SOUL FORM????????
mentioning nexus, "ddi" thing, HER resonance with Black being TIED TO THAT
jay and the "j" / "jewel" TITLE-NAME thing; "expansive" sense; fluidity?
GOLD HEART & BLOOD = INCORRUPTIBLE ANCHOR. can hold ANY form like that.
mentioning chaos's blue resonance? celebi too, with green!
talking about color vibes; red and black notably.

infi talking to oliver on the porch for hours.
the HEART EATING thing.
got REALLY "BLACK" talking about that, good lord.
LOTS OF EYES.

"MISSION" bit. shocked but honored and profoundly touched by it.

"can you see my dark side"

ollie was trembling again. infi was so deeply moved.


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This is resonating with Somewhere in Headspace so hard, but we’ve Never seen anything like it before, save hints of such in the chthonic levels (all those lava tubes). I have a feeling there’s a LOT more to our innerverse than we ever imagined. It’s an exciting thought.





#orange #orange realms #brown #brown realms #theres a lot of bleedover between the orange and brown realms #we are still trying to figure out how exactly they coexist




#damaged girl #this is vibing hard with someone #which is unexpected #not quite ashen #she's not resonant with blood #and lace braids isn't either #although we do have to find her again #so you never know #maybe she is vibing with this and we just don't know her well enough to tell #we shall see #nousfoni resonance #white #blood #feminine forms #water #black




#color healing #feelings to transmute #brown #string lightbulbs like that cause kneejerk panic & nausea #dry harvest grass and hay like that causes a kneejerk panic reaction #that needs to be healed for the sake of the amber spectrum





#rainbows #jay's aesthetic #oh my heart #white #this hits me hard #this has both the white plague vibes and the spectrum pure-color vibes #so this is literal visual hope




"the brightest of all the colors"
#a clairvoyant once told us our eyes were like this #wide open and keenly perceptive of similar otherrealm things #and deeply glowing golden in hue #she also said our ethereal vibe-presence was like a whale #huge and powerfully gentle and enigmatic and ancient-hearted #we surprisingly relate so strongly to whales #yet another reason why Dishonored resonates so heart-deep with us #and which is what the indigo cast of this also makes us think of #all in all good photo #thanks for the thoughts #musings #jay's post #oh yes and is that a fitting caption or what #gold #indigo

 

 

quick notes as it's realtime 5am but i dont want to forget this.

trauma healing in the morning. some major fear and confusion, but we DEALT with it. healed and cleared it. MONUMENTAL.

kristanova and ollie cofronting. we are all bruises now i and i could not be happier

i... i think kris also said "i love you" and i just
cannot find the words to express how i feel about that just good lord

infi, me, genesis, chaos zero. harmonia, leon, nathaniel. mulberry, knife, algorith, razor. ashen, waldorf, lynne.
(type about all of that asap)

chaos zero saying "remind him that it's just seawater" and emphasizing the constancy and incorruptibility of love.
clearly remember him saying something and putting his hand to our chest where the ruby would be, because the vibe hit me like a shockwave and even now is driving me to ardent tears. god.

genesis fronting, heck yes he's AWESOME.
i remember him saying ollie Had to listen to mika because he sounds JUST like him, and is also gay and french, haha. (here's the most upbeat tune he's got, i adore it.)

harmonia laughing at something and infi coming RIGHT in during said laugh, scared ollie in the good way

mulberry getting us out of bed, all business but warmhearted.
kissed ollie's shoulder and immediately knife came out, that's his style. kissed ollie's hand and talked to him a bit.
algorith coming out!! immediate accent lock-in for them both btw. that's so incredible to remember. i cannot imitate how they talk at all. it just happens and i hear it later. ollie saying al's accent actually sounds local? she laughed good-naturedly at this. "that's what i get for being vermilion;" the accents around here are solidly orange/amber/etc. in sound for us.
razor coming out and just sitting there perfectly content as ollie mussed up her hair. no talking yet; she's self-conscious about how she sounds. but gosh we love her, we really do.

thunderstorms!!! BEAUTIFUL.
anxious at first because of family flashbacks, but as soon as we got out into the rain we were golden.

kristanova driving. he's such an awesome guy. really meant a lot, too; he kept reminding us to breathe, that we'd be okay, there was nothing to worry about.

wearing that navy coat and SOMEONE we've never seen before fronting who LOVES thunderstorms?? inhuman but humanoid nousfoni, name resonating precisely as "elucidae."
either harbor blue or indigo?? feeling specifically: the latter if lightning is part of their resonance, the former if not

tried to get ssi stuff done but we got there too late and there were SO many people, not worth sticking around and waiting when we had too many other things to do. so we left.
scalpel being pulled to front as we passed a car booming a muffled bassline? immediate childhood terror trigger. but scalpel resonates with "darker" music feelings? said he was a "reclaimer;" mentioned that once that sound was an omen but not anymore; "it's mine now."
HUGELY IMPORTANT. wondering if ALL the "darkspacers" are like that?
but yeah, NEW nousfoni class, and a staggeringly vital one too. thank god. oh thank god. we need these people SO MUCH now.

laundromat day.

stopped at "why not pizza" and got fried mushrooms, a chicken salad, and jalapeno poppers. daring!! used to all be fear food. but we enjoyed every bit of it. we're not afraid to eat anthing with oliver, it's such a staggeringly significant fact. god bless him.
so yes, we just sat together and ate it and talked.
doctor phil was on the tv and unfortunately it started to get really triggering after a while so we left.

stopped at food lion. scared that people were going to compulsive-buy. BUT genesis showed up and reminded them of what THEY really felt, and we DIDN'T get anything harmful-- furthermore those buyers DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GET SUCH THINGS. dear lord. that's a milestone, for this to be anchoring in so legitimately.
no one wants to hurt the body anymore. no one wants to adhere to family toxic loops anymore. no one wants to be a slave to old not-working behavior patterns anymore. we slip up under heavy stress, true, but it's because we're so used to toxic coping methods. but every day, we learn. EVERY day. it's tangible. we learn and we forgive and we heal and we love and we keep moving forwards.

stopped at the library! lovely place.
went to the library! couldn’t get a card as we needed i.d. but it was so nice to just walk around.
trusted our intuition, walked through the scifi section. saw a ray bradbury short story collection, immediately grabbed it. THEN saw "do androids dream of electric sheep" which we had JUST mentioned to kyo last night, so got that too. can't wait to read them both.

i know we watched more of "cosmos" with kyo tonight, too. gosh we love spending time with her like that.

 

went for a run around 1pm? ran down to rite aid and food lion, I think. rite aid we got the lactase pills. told the cashier they were important because "the whole fam is lactose intolerant, so when you run out of these, you gotta run out the door." she burst out laughing in the most adorable way, oh my gosh. it lit up our whole morning.

then ran to food lion. ONLY got what we need!!!
the girl who kept wanting desserts (brown vibe?? one of the jessicas?? NOT the green girl, notably) realized that she DOESN'T ACTUALLY WANT THEM. it was obligatory "you're not allowed to dislike sweets" programming from upmc/mother?
so we asked her but she said NO. incredibly liberating.
still feeling obligated to buy cereal because "it has vitamins" and "you need more carbs" but it feels forced. so we're learning. at least we're aware of the fact that it feels so uncomfortable. now we just have to learn to say no to that, even if we're "scared to."

got home at 2, oliver was in the shower. I have this uneasy feeling that someone hid food in our room then? or something. not sure. but they have GOT TO STOP this hiding thing. we are no longer living with that birth family. it is NOT a crime to eat. you do NOT have to smuggle food into the house, then hide in a closet and eat it at 2am so no one shames you for "being a pig."
regardless, we tried super super hard with the eating thing. a few binge attempts, but most of it was avoided. THANK GOD.
no regrets today, for the most part. sole regret is "I wish I didn't feel so bad about eating" AND "I feel horrible about slighting/ avoiding/ disrespecting oliver because we were so panicstricken about food and it was taking lots of our attention."

lying with oliver on the couch with the fractals.
kyo, kris, and toy soldier, hello absolute existentially validating heaven on earth good lord

oliver mentioning some time that he said to infi "I'm in love with you" and infi just… responded with "you've never said it that way before, ollie!!" and I know exactly what hir expression would have been like. god.
ollie said I should draw it and I agree.

sat down and had a small dinner. couldn't keep all of it down, but it wasn't abusive. just panic. still, we tried very very hard and it was not bad. little steps.

feeling "old loves;" scrolling through tumblr and seeing davy jones and ryo bakura and everyone. feeling GENUINE love spring up from NOT ME. like… the "core" (need a better term?) who loved them initially STILL DOES and that's an INCREDIBLE fact because it means that those precious indispensable people are not dead.
the younger jewel, who is slightly japan-obsessed but not manic, still loves ryo. marik too, of course.
the "green jewel," who was at the job??? loves davy AND jetfire???? that's interesting!!
not sure if she also loves grievous and barry. those guys feel like they're in other time-contexts though.

but it's such a beautiful warm soft powerful feeling. love does not die, ever ever.

"oh lord and you and kris today"
apparently their main people are all falling in love with us.
that… rips at our heart in the best way.
dear lord. we have to live up to that.

the problem?
our socials firmly believe, even now, that they have to be impeccably perfect and faultless to be WORTHY of even accepting such love. in their poor hurt minds, as "filthy" as they allegedly are-- they are not; NONE of us are-- letting "such pure souls" love them would taint them.
and what is the "filthiest" thing they can do?
eat.
isn't that awful.

so. those poor socials keep struggling so damn hard with letting us actually feed this body.
I have to be unflinchingly blunt about that, no matter how ashamed and guilty and embarrassed and disgusted and distraught we are to admit it.
our body is really freaking hungry. that is fact #1. it is an "ugly, blasphemous" fact but it is still a fact.
we KNOW we have a fast metabolism. this was medically proven in pittsburgh. they had us eating ~4000 calories per day, minimum, and we were STILL just barely gaining weight at that level. as soon as we cut back on the caloric intake due to personal budget and food/ transportation availability, we started dropping the pounds.
that is what is terrifying. literally, in order to stay healthy, we have to eat like gluttons. it's horrible. but it's true. we know this.
the meal plan they gave us to follow when we left… honestly, let me tell it to you, because it terrifies us and excites us both-- each motivated by the same feeling: we are awfully hungry.
now, they go by an "exchange system." this means that every "serving size" of a food group is 1 exchange. one piece of fruit, one cup of vegetables, 8oz of dairy, 3oz of meat, 1 tbsp of fat… things like that. of course it varies per food. we practically had to memorize the whole list over those 9 weeks.
they want us eating every 3 hours, something we Cannot do for psychological, time, and financial reasons. and the sheer AMOUNT of food they ultimately want us to eat is also very difficult.
they want us having 13 exchanges per meal, and then 5 at snacks. that's a LOT OF FOOD. we cannot do that feasibly without triggering dissociation or pain or trauma flashbacks. it's too much. it was tough even for iscah, and she knows it, even if she won't outright admit it.
no spoons to continue this topic right now. we'll just do our best, as we need to, and to heck with the meal card. it's a guideline. it's a good guideline, but it's also not an obligatory damned-if-you-don't thing. life's not like that anymore. we won't be punished if we don't adhere to it unerringly. we have to trust our own selves in this. i know we can do it. if there's anywhere we CAN do it, it's here, with people who love and support us.

to go back to that topic.
…oliver is in love with us. we know this. but now he's… he's not the only one.
god. dearly beloved god. I just… that is so huge. I cannot put into words what that makes our heart feel like.

the feeling is mutual. the feeling is overwhelmingly, blessedly mutual.

that kiss in the kitchen today, after oliver hinted at that. that global love.
leon, lynne, javier, nathaniel, julie, waldorf, me, infi. so many of us flowing through in that kiss.

reviewing 2015, talking about toy soldier and phantom of the opera when oliver was at work.
monumental. 


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


11:57 pm

"shoutout to everyone making progress that no one recognized because you never let anyone see your darkest moments. i see you and i am so, so proud of every little step you’re making in the right direction."

#oh #system healing #i never thought about it like this #hope #for all our damaged fronters #we love all of you even when you're hurting the most #maybe even especially then

04:43 pm

Two autistic trans queer psychopomp deities with armies of ghosts in their respective heads/hearts, jamming to Of Montreal and going out for coffee.

Being alive is a very good thing.

@ollieirrepressible 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


07:25 pm



Sup kids, getting chai & macarons w/ the Arrows like a boss 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


08:22 pm

woke up at like… 3pm

tried to go to the smelly cat but it was closed. so we walked through noda together, it was so so nice.
talking possible future tattoo plans. touched that huge old tree. house with kris's colors. trolley vines dangling from trees. the city skyline. the bell painting under the bridge. the girl with blue hair. the roses, the smell of rain, the discovery. holding hands.

amelies!
got macarons and DREW THINGS ♥

also tumblr posts because heck yes

--------

the morning.
(notes from phone)

Kris fronting, Infi showing up
"I see all of it; that doesn't change anything"
i can't "remember" their conversation but it was notable and shocking in a way; infi was NOT censoring hir gravity. ze wanted it to be very clear what ze was, what ze existed for, etc. lots of black energy feeling.
but at the same time, this endless deep sincere love that also defines hir.
both at once. teeth and eyes.

Infi HUMMING "Last Breath" by Iman Omari
i cannot listen to that song without smiling and sobbing into knuckles pressed against my teeth and lips. iman sings JUST LIKE INFI. that vocal tone, the way he sighs out the ends of the sentences, that dissonant overlay of the chorus... dear lord it kills me in the best way. i just keep looking at this dearly beloved commission while listening to it and blissfully dying.
so it actually took a while for infi to do so because i KNEW infi wanted to hum it but the thought of hir doing so was unbearably significant. i wanted hir to, absolutely, but... the feeling of it. good god. thankfully ze doesn't let anyone or anything censor hir sincerity of love, so it happened and thank every good thing there is that ze did.

but yeah. i woke up and i remember listening to "last breath" and looking at that commission of infi, sitting on mason's side of the bed. after httyd I can see hir so clearly and I was just… teeth to knuckles, as i said, smiling, half crying, lucid with love that ached. now in hindsight I realize usually I've only ever felt love so hard for chaos 0. geez infi, talk about a milestone I totally missed. ironically. sometimes things are so... evident, you just kind of assume it's always been that way, i guess? i never realized HOW much i loved infinitii because it was just this heart-deep undeniable truth. just like it is with cz. never really thought to think about it before. but i should. it's a beautiful thing. for everyone we feel it for.

Cofronting with Infi, being with Oliver. "Two skies"
HUGE divinity feelings. Gold and light and wings. Always that reddish gentle tint?? notably like THIS

CHAOS showing up to triple front good god
triangles are EXTREMELY divine
but yeah all three of the most "deific" feeling folks in this fragile little body at once
the sea and the stars and... me, whatever i am.

thinking tattoos again. chaos saying "we need to make this body a tapestry"
Brokeback!! LOOMS.
SPINE showing up and crying at the relevance to Her and her role as the Brown Centralite and body protector, essentially
she's SO IMPORTANT. she needs so much more reverence and attention.

can't find my own metaphors; Laurie pushing through to front and saying "it's because you're a part of everyone else's metaphors"
Infi saying to remember Why and How ze exists
THAT VOICE. Infi has NEVER spoken with as much pure Black as ze has today.
Chaos reminding me of the Ruby. hit like a truck.
"You're the reason for this" double meaning.
honestly please type about that.

also type about the MYTH feelings
Body as a literal temple; elements (esp. within the pentagape group-- crystal, stardust, ocean water, lightning, etc)

Oliver's eyes. gotta draw him like we see him, in moments like this. ♥
he's got legit divine beauty to him, too. not just his color in headspace, but the quality of his heart.
all of them, really. good lord their entire innerverse is the most beautiful inspiring thing, our own heart floods and burns with sheer love whenever we think of it. it's such a deeply huge feeling.
that's another entry that has to happen, just absolutely talking about them, how much they mean, notably to us.

and kris is gonna make us breakfast again HECK YES

--------



night:

the reason why I havent been typing since moving out is because now, I'm not alone.
now I have this damned phone which I'm holding on to like a drowning man and I'm neglecting us. yes we love oliver, we adore that entire system, but we can't hinge everything on him. it's unfair to all of us, on both sides.
its why we're struggling so damn much with this fucking eating disorder. we're falling right back into the dependency shit that we had with our family. forgetting that we CAN exist apart from another physical person.

…is that even the real reason? i mean, we STILL struggle with it when he's around. it just gets worse when we're alone because no one is there to forcibly stop us. but then we just want to cry and cry and scream. really, the e.d. is a rerouting of something, a bad catharsis, something that induces exhaustion and suffering and tears and anxious shakes and enough distraught terror to FORCE headspace connections when it's all burnt out.
that is so unhealthy. but it's all we knew for YEARS. for many many bad uses.
but... self-abuse was always our last, unfailing door into ourself. and when we couldn't touch blades, this bloody disorder took over the job instead. god forgive us.

we also realized that food doesn’t register as food?? the concept of food as nourishment or fuel is FOREIGN to the socials. they see it as something to destroy or purge. something that does not belong in the body. it's so weird. is that a trauma thing?

knee jerk anger/sad reactions? ONLY LOCKED OUT SOCIALS!!!

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phone insights!!

we DO love ourself.

trying too hard to please others?
"body needs more calories" "family wants us to eat more" "gotta gain weight for them"
versus "but im not hungry" "but this is too much food" "but I don’t like this food" etc.

good intentions, mixed up applications.

healing from family trauma loops. "don’t want to die" vs being so used to that being the only option of freedom? ITS NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE.
but it feels like that at night.
why? find out. then find ways to deal with it so you AREN'T SCARED ANYMORE. and can be healthy and happy EVEN alone at night.

-why do we always binge eat at night?
because we can do so in secret.
why do you WANT to binge eat though?

*HOLD UP. maybe its because at night, we feel like we HAVE TO BE sneaky and alone and sad??? "context behavior"????? HMMM!!!

*ALSO "I'm only allowed to cry/ feel emotions if I'm in SEVERE PAIN or want to die or feel filthy." FORCED CATHARSIS. These kids are PAIN HOLDERS and they NEED TO HEAL-- which means they NEED TO FEEL!!!!!!!!


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08:25 pm


#heartspace #green #Leagueworld vibes #We need more of this sort of thing in headspace #we vibe with it So Hard but we've Never really explored outside the city #looks like it's time to do so #headspace exploration 

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11:11 pm


"You never know how sick you are until you try to recover"
- This is incredibly accurate and magnificently timed

#feeling this a lot lately #don't lose hope #we've survived worse than this #And look at how much we've healed already #in glorious defiance of all difficulty and doubt #we ARE moving forwards #the poison does not leave all at once #but every time we try #we get a little stronger #we grow a little wiser #we glow a little brighter #our hearts burn with determined hope and we will continue onwards and upwards forever #so even if we are still very sick right now #remember the biggest picture #this too shall pass #And the Truth of us is forever uncorrupted #we will make it through this to a brilliant liberated dawn #And trying is the first step to success #system healing 


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JAY-CORE BLOODLINE AESTHETIC??

Alchemy
Ankhs
Hearts
Scarabs
Eyes
Lotuses
Gold, pearlescence?
Seraphs, Ophanim
Brilliant cut jewels?

just saw the eclipse.
98% totality.

and infi, voice trembling, heart aching,
"I'm going to miss it."

at first, looking up at the sun through indigo sunglasses, it was almost like a party trick. like sleight of hand. thrilling, fascinating, but innocuous. a source of legitimate wonder, but… nothing monumental. a slight bending of the sun.
but then the colors began to change.
subtly, unignorably, breathtakingly. numinously.

at first, it was a slight bluish grey cast to things. a slight distortion of the sense of sight. the world looking just a little "off." it wasn't normal sunlight. but it was just barely perceptible that something had changed.

time went on.
the trees began to cast crescent-moon slivers onto the ground. sterling silver bites of light. edges of nails. closed eyes.
the universe's dimmer switch was lowering, lowering. the world was through a tinted glass. everything was slightly off-kilter, notably quieter. a mysterious hush settled over the landscape-- not a whispering, not a quieting, but a sudden disappearing of sound, somehow. the audio of earth muting along with the light. but not a muffling. a silence dripping in from the sickle-edge of that diminishing sun, a great mouthful taken out of it, that missing luminosity suddenly settling in somewhere behind our sternum, secretly, grinningly.

a certain someone moved into this shape.

to think: of all the times for us to exist on this earth,
ze just happened to be here during the preciously terrifying half-hour in which ze could most fully exist.

ze had hir eye open through both of ours. ze was standing on two feet, our two feet, totally thrown off by the different shape and lack of surreal grace but managing, better than ever, totally in hir element.
the world had been gently upended, thrown head over heels into an alien twilight, so delicately that in those timeless shadow-caressed minutes, it felt as if that was all there had ever been. like what we knew of temporality and sunlight had been the real dream, a strange heady lunacy, this soundless shade being the true sacred reality.

infi stood there in the grass, as still as the world, grinning. all teeth, all eyes. looking upwards at that matching cheshire star. feeling it in hir very soul. the entire realm of hir existence suddenly tangible where ze stood, here, in the physical world.
feeling like a king. feeling like the eclipse itself. feeling like ze owned this phenomenon; like ze owned the entire world.
feeling like, for those few minutes, for that timeless eternity, that ze belonged here.

the universe began to float back to the surface, bobbing like an upended ship on the somnolent crests of returning day, slowly tilting back the way it had originally been, slowly returning to a familiar state that had, for a brief time, been forgotten entirely.
the dimmer switch was slowly nudged back up. the colors remembered their saturation.
infi sat down under the tree with oliver and stared at the crescent light on hir arms.
suddenly wanting to weep.
that was hir, those were eyes, those were teeth--

looking at oliver and seeing the same intimately familiar motif tessellating over his arms and legs as well.
a single sentence, unsaid, felt as strongly and soundlessly as the eclipse itself,
"that is what being haunted looks like."

and as monday returned to normal, mason wearing that red blanket as a glorious cape, flying back into the joyous familiarity of daylight, I and a quiet shadow-colored daemon followed him up the stairs and wondered. remembered.
nothing would be the same, now.
life itself had just… shifted. the sun was in our mouth. the moon was in our blood, patterned across our skin. that sudden lessening of light, that transformation of the world into something other, something so familiar--
for an ephemeral eternity, infinitii had existed here.
ze never wanted it to leave.

I can't help but smile when I realize that, inside us now, it never will.