the spectrum heart cathedral system

04:43 pm

Two autistic trans queer psychopomp deities with armies of ghosts in their respective heads/hearts, jamming to Of Montreal and going out for coffee.

Being alive is a very good thing.

@ollieirrepressible 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


07:25 pm



Sup kids, getting chai & macarons w/ the Arrows like a boss 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


08:22 pm

woke up at like… 3pm

tried to go to the smelly cat but it was closed. so we walked through noda together, it was so so nice.
talking possible future tattoo plans. touched that huge old tree. house with kris's colors. trolley vines dangling from trees. the city skyline. the bell painting under the bridge. the girl with blue hair. the roses, the smell of rain, the discovery. holding hands.

amelies!
got macarons and DREW THINGS ♥

also tumblr posts because heck yes

--------

the morning.
(notes from phone)

Kris fronting, Infi showing up
"I see all of it; that doesn't change anything"
i can't "remember" their conversation but it was notable and shocking in a way; infi was NOT censoring hir gravity. ze wanted it to be very clear what ze was, what ze existed for, etc. lots of black energy feeling.
but at the same time, this endless deep sincere love that also defines hir.
both at once. teeth and eyes.

Infi HUMMING "Last Breath" by Iman Omari
i cannot listen to that song without smiling and sobbing into knuckles pressed against my teeth and lips. iman sings JUST LIKE INFI. that vocal tone, the way he sighs out the ends of the sentences, that dissonant overlay of the chorus... dear lord it kills me in the best way. i just keep looking at this dearly beloved commission while listening to it and blissfully dying.
so it actually took a while for infi to do so because i KNEW infi wanted to hum it but the thought of hir doing so was unbearably significant. i wanted hir to, absolutely, but... the feeling of it. good god. thankfully ze doesn't let anyone or anything censor hir sincerity of love, so it happened and thank every good thing there is that ze did.

but yeah. i woke up and i remember listening to "last breath" and looking at that commission of infi, sitting on mason's side of the bed. after httyd I can see hir so clearly and I was just… teeth to knuckles, as i said, smiling, half crying, lucid with love that ached. now in hindsight I realize usually I've only ever felt love so hard for chaos 0. geez infi, talk about a milestone I totally missed. ironically. sometimes things are so... evident, you just kind of assume it's always been that way, i guess? i never realized HOW much i loved infinitii because it was just this heart-deep undeniable truth. just like it is with cz. never really thought to think about it before. but i should. it's a beautiful thing. for everyone we feel it for.

Cofronting with Infi, being with Oliver. "Two skies"
HUGE divinity feelings. Gold and light and wings. Always that reddish gentle tint?? notably like THIS

CHAOS showing up to triple front good god
triangles are EXTREMELY divine
but yeah all three of the most "deific" feeling folks in this fragile little body at once
the sea and the stars and... me, whatever i am.

thinking tattoos again. chaos saying "we need to make this body a tapestry"
Brokeback!! LOOMS.
SPINE showing up and crying at the relevance to Her and her role as the Brown Centralite and body protector, essentially
she's SO IMPORTANT. she needs so much more reverence and attention.

can't find my own metaphors; Laurie pushing through to front and saying "it's because you're a part of everyone else's metaphors"
Infi saying to remember Why and How ze exists
THAT VOICE. Infi has NEVER spoken with as much pure Black as ze has today.
Chaos reminding me of the Ruby. hit like a truck.
"You're the reason for this" double meaning.
honestly please type about that.

also type about the MYTH feelings
Body as a literal temple; elements (esp. within the pentagape group-- crystal, stardust, ocean water, lightning, etc)

Oliver's eyes. gotta draw him like we see him, in moments like this. ♥
he's got legit divine beauty to him, too. not just his color in headspace, but the quality of his heart.
all of them, really. good lord their entire innerverse is the most beautiful inspiring thing, our own heart floods and burns with sheer love whenever we think of it. it's such a deeply huge feeling.
that's another entry that has to happen, just absolutely talking about them, how much they mean, notably to us.

and kris is gonna make us breakfast again HECK YES

--------



night:

the reason why I havent been typing since moving out is because now, I'm not alone.
now I have this damned phone which I'm holding on to like a drowning man and I'm neglecting us. yes we love oliver, we adore that entire system, but we can't hinge everything on him. it's unfair to all of us, on both sides.
its why we're struggling so damn much with this fucking eating disorder. we're falling right back into the dependency shit that we had with our family. forgetting that we CAN exist apart from another physical person.

…is that even the real reason? i mean, we STILL struggle with it when he's around. it just gets worse when we're alone because no one is there to forcibly stop us. but then we just want to cry and cry and scream. really, the e.d. is a rerouting of something, a bad catharsis, something that induces exhaustion and suffering and tears and anxious shakes and enough distraught terror to FORCE headspace connections when it's all burnt out.
that is so unhealthy. but it's all we knew for YEARS. for many many bad uses.
but... self-abuse was always our last, unfailing door into ourself. and when we couldn't touch blades, this bloody disorder took over the job instead. god forgive us.

we also realized that food doesn’t register as food?? the concept of food as nourishment or fuel is FOREIGN to the socials. they see it as something to destroy or purge. something that does not belong in the body. it's so weird. is that a trauma thing?

knee jerk anger/sad reactions? ONLY LOCKED OUT SOCIALS!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

phone insights!!

we DO love ourself.

trying too hard to please others?
"body needs more calories" "family wants us to eat more" "gotta gain weight for them"
versus "but im not hungry" "but this is too much food" "but I don’t like this food" etc.

good intentions, mixed up applications.

healing from family trauma loops. "don’t want to die" vs being so used to that being the only option of freedom? ITS NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE.
but it feels like that at night.
why? find out. then find ways to deal with it so you AREN'T SCARED ANYMORE. and can be healthy and happy EVEN alone at night.

-why do we always binge eat at night?
because we can do so in secret.
why do you WANT to binge eat though?

*HOLD UP. maybe its because at night, we feel like we HAVE TO BE sneaky and alone and sad??? "context behavior"????? HMMM!!!

*ALSO "I'm only allowed to cry/ feel emotions if I'm in SEVERE PAIN or want to die or feel filthy." FORCED CATHARSIS. These kids are PAIN HOLDERS and they NEED TO HEAL-- which means they NEED TO FEEL!!!!!!!!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


08:25 pm


#heartspace #green #Leagueworld vibes #We need more of this sort of thing in headspace #we vibe with it So Hard but we've Never really explored outside the city #looks like it's time to do so #headspace exploration 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------



11:11 pm


"You never know how sick you are until you try to recover"
- This is incredibly accurate and magnificently timed

#feeling this a lot lately #don't lose hope #we've survived worse than this #And look at how much we've healed already #in glorious defiance of all difficulty and doubt #we ARE moving forwards #the poison does not leave all at once #but every time we try #we get a little stronger #we grow a little wiser #we glow a little brighter #our hearts burn with determined hope and we will continue onwards and upwards forever #so even if we are still very sick right now #remember the biggest picture #this too shall pass #And the Truth of us is forever uncorrupted #we will make it through this to a brilliant liberated dawn #And trying is the first step to success #system healing 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


JAY-CORE BLOODLINE AESTHETIC??

Alchemy
Ankhs
Hearts
Scarabs
Eyes
Lotuses
Gold, pearlescence?
Seraphs, Ophanim
Brilliant cut jewels?

quick stream-of-consciousness update because this needs to be a daily thing again.
i don't want to forget anything, and the more i tune in, the more happens. man i miss this, it's beautiful.


first, laurie told me to write this down-- on friday, on the way home from grocery shopping, I had apparently sadly said "I wish people would just front like they used to," and since I was so distraught (and having trouble fronting myself) laurie had called josephina in? and he had fronted very well for about ten solid minutes! I don't know what he did or said but that's awesome. I am very very glad to hear that people can still do that. odd as it sounds I miss that, I miss being actively and undeniably plural; I miss feeling that I am sharing this body with everyone else. I miss the strange richness of it.

unfortunately friday is marked as being "troublesome" and so it is largely missing from memory. all I know is that it was a cloudy day.



last night.

talking to knife, laurie, lynne, and infinitii.
started out as I was going to sleep. we were all in the underground 'lobby' (relatively new), this open area between the main ground and the stairs that lead into the lowerspace and the underground. it's all warm glowing light and wood and it's nice.
knife was there because we had brought him there I think. I know he had been 'sleeping' in the christmas tree room? like that big church room where he set up the tree last december, he never took it down, it's still pink. he loves it. I had gone to talk to him and found him dozing off on one of the seats in front of it. gently woke him up, again I forget for what purpose-- there had been an important question-- and he came with me back to where I was talking to laurie.
lynne joined us shortly after, I forget when exactly. same with infi; ze had been floating around me all evening I think? but hir presence had been there and ze likes to talk to me at night. so it was the 5 of us just chilling out at 1am or so.
anyway laurie and I were again discussing 'getting everyone back together,' forging stronger ties between everyone in headspace, in light of the past 8 months of quiet. but then of course laurie had to also start teasing me about wanting to kiss everybody, asked if that was still a thing. asked if I'd kiss knife, we both got hilariously flustered for different reasons. I said "he's too adorable," but knife just wanted to know what that act would entail? he was blushing over the details really. he's like that. but laurie was cracking up at this. lynne was giggling about this too, I think she joked that she'd kiss me first as an example or something. I again protested that I couldn't do that so casually, but wondered how much of that feeling was old social programming, having to act a certain way. somewhere around here I paused, and asked knife if he was aromantic? it had just hit me. he asked me what that meant. laurie joked "what do you mean knife's not romantic" because he fits the literal term to a T. but she then said that she was aromantic and yet she'd still kissed me; the two things weren't mutually exclusive.
lynne and laurie got off on a tangent then, poking fun at each other as always. but as I listened I was again struck by how self-assured lynne always is. she's playful but always mature, it's a great balance. anyway I remember laurie made some joke about infinitii, how once you've been hit by hir vibe that's it, you're gone. lynne giggled at this, infi gave laurie a look. laurie shrugged and apologized, said that with me you just never sleep again. I said only because I stay up so late. she laughed and said that was the point, look at what time it was

anyway knife was still terribly confused and I guess we were all treating this topic too lightly, because without another word infi got up and walked over to me. everyone stopped talking, and I remember being both mesmerized and intimidated; the way ze walks is always so graceful but deliberate.
but if I was nervous at first, that melted almost immediately. when infi got closer (like within 4 feet) it was like this quiet black surge of love just swelled up around me, like velvet, it was heartbreaking and powerful and tore me glittering in two. I remember helplessly reaching up to hir (I was sitting on a low bench) and ze just knelt down in front of me and held my face, looking at me without a word, and I was in tears. I choked out that I loved hir, and infi said "I know." with hir mouth. that alone was huge, but… that's usually cz's line. and hearing it from hir, in a manner ze usually reserves for hir darker side, held such huge significance that it moved me to a sort of joyously humbled silence. I absolutely adored hir in those moments.
infi was talking to me then. I forget the exact words and I'm sorry. I was too overwhelmed with the sensation of hir being there; if you've ever been that close to hir then you know what I mean. but mostly it was a reminder, don't downplay yourself, don't mock or doubt yourself, etc. remember this and the truth of it. and yet there weren't much words. there was too much feeling and I forgot how much ze feels. all those eyes, and the way hir voice just echoes. I honestly forgot where I was for a while.

knife teared up after seeing all of this (caught me by surprise as I forgot anyone else was in the room), said "that's what I mean," and explained that he wasn't yet 'accustomed' (wrong word? more like he didn't know how to handle it) with the sort of 'love' that sort of behavior would elicit or require? he was stumbling over his words too; very strong vibe of him being surprised at his own reservations.
I pointed out that he didn't seem to have a problem with infi, but infi said that wasn't surprising; ze didn't require any sort of behavior from anyone. people reacted to hir in the way most natural to them I guess.
we tried to reassure him but he had too many questions in general. then oddly, when trying to explain what he saw as that 'more romantic' sort of love, knife gave "lynne and spine" for an example? that caught me by surprise. laurie said "wait what" and asked if this was true? lynne paused for a moment, then nodded, said yes. explained that although she was 'dating' julie, she wasn't 'in love' with her, at least not yet (that 'growing into' possibility was important). but she did love spine, the same way I loved laurie.
laurie paused and said 'holy shit' at this, rather reflectively. she also said that was really sweet actually.
(also! note to self: remember last month when lynne and spine 'started' the orange realms? they were walking through the woods. I saw it secondhand and it was very dreamlike so it's hard to remember but I never wrote it here so there's at least a mention)

anyway, knife was torn, he loved people naturally and simply, was it 'bad' or otherwise detrimental for him to not find that sort of behavior similarly easy?
infi then strongly reiterated that the sort of pure, innocent, affectionate love that Pinks held was incredibly important and that knife should never downplay it or think of it as 'less' than anything else.

sorry that whole bit's a mess. the Pinks are still clearing out residue from the julie days obviously. I just wanted that written down because it happened.




today.

infi was in my dream before I woke up? some odd thing with weeping angels and someone almost dying as a result? but jessica was there, styled like a powerpuff girl oddly, but still actively vicious. the partner of the dying person was trying to save them, tearfully so, jessica kept trying to sabotage it. the person was making some sort of poultice out of gems?? like there was an opal at the center, and all these rubies in what looked like white icing. they had to knead it to get everything at the right consistency or something, they had to ultimately put it at this spot on their partner's back. apparently that's where the "lethal injury" was, it had split their spine or something? very sharp memory of the color green at impact point, like a geyser pool in color and shape.
anyway. right before I woke up, infi showed up in the room, which caused jessica to disappear entirely. ze then gave the distraught person a lump of gold to put at the very center of the poultice-thing. then ze gave them all the final instructions and helped them apply it to their partner's spine, reassured them everything was fine, they would live and heal completely. anyway I thought that was interesting, that ze just walked in and helped the situation resolve so compassionately.

had to drive to mum's house to get vegetables, randomly said hello to waldorf while walking to the garden (I missed her all of a sudden). she was putting up light flowers like bruce munro's work, all in this blue glowy techno-forest area. like a city street lit up. she said she was trying to build the Blue realms, bit by bit, she was experimenting with ideas. I said it was gorgeous so far, but then asked why the sudden nature imagery? I thought she was more technological in general. she said yeah, but she figured she should work with elements too?
kind of blurry, I'm not sure what she said blue was, hinted that yellow was electric and that sky was air? but also MIRRORS. very clear flash of that! green was nature, aqua wasn't mentioned but I wondered about it.

at some point during church later (xennie was there too!) I was strongly reminded of laurie, I don’t recall what exactly, but I remember holding her hands (both at once, together) in this meaningful aching way. there's this crystal clear visual memory of the bandages on her arms, and that her hands looked slightly battered (little red cuts and things). she gave me this very meaningful look that I didn't meet exactly because it would've broke me I think. was too enraptured by her hands, the moment was practically tangible
in any case some minutes after that she said we should "do that rotating thing," in terms of who would be my main advisor or confidant for the day. I wanted deeper emotional and mental connections with everybody, and besides Central needed to get a deep understanding of the daily life too.
long story short laurie pushed me a bit and told me to go talk to someone else for a bit. so I ended up spontaneously talking to nathaniel.

nat's got this lovely little pocket-realm going on for Green, branching out from his room (which is mostly thick forest branches and pink roses-- always has been). we were sitting in the boughs of some ancient tree, surrounded entirely by that flowery canopy, watching the sunlight filter through the leaves. I think I was holding his hand, something simple like that.
nat reiterated that he dealt with "love in the face of change," or "love throughout all change"
also said why his being a moth was significant. not just the metamorphosis, but also because moths fly at night, and they are drawn to the light. even in pitch black they will find it, but in the darkness they are not lost. they have a sort of quiet inner peace, a silent and unhurried faith. nat said Greens are like that, that's their virtue, is that serenity and faith in the universe.
he said sergei fit that extremely well too. it struck me that so did the queen, surprisingly.
reminder that aqua voices hold devotion, or fortitude?
also total agreement that violet was tied to the cores? like all their roles are partly to advise and support the core, not just laurie. I said that made sense, was definitely possible.
anyway I remember as he spoke about the moth thing, he was talking with his hands, eyes so bright and wide (such gorgeous eyes; they're like big emerald cabochons), but still radiating that essential calmness. kind of like the sunlight in the trees. but he looked so genuinely happy and inspired, I smiled so much just listening to him, feeling his history in his words, knowing how much it meant for him to be here now, as he was, talking like this.
also I think he has moth fluff. he has to. I remember there was fuzzy green around his sleeve cuff, couldn't tell if it was part of his outfit or not. I've never seen him without his robe, so I have no idea.

"navy singer" out to sing during mass, she's finally feeling more like her own person now. name is "nienna" I think? root letter was "n" in any case. I originally thought she was tied to sapphires but that's a (small) aesthetic tie, not a name tie.
her role is actually "the ability to 'join the song' without being afraid of your own voice," so to speak. so yeah she's a singer, but more specifically, she sings to be part of the music, part of the choir, without a shred of self-doubt or misplaced guilt. that was very clear today.
she also has heavy hair. long, and wavy, like silk. reminded me of water, very subtle 'wave' to it, all in one piece. it's not like lynne's! hers is lighter and curls softly. they both love their dresses though, but even then the styles do differ!


got home at 6pm or so. xenophon spent most of the evening with me and oh my lord she is such a sweetheart and a godsend.
she is definitely violet, haha. unflinching integrity. kept keeping me on track, not letting me slip, et cetera. making sure I was talking care of myself. and best of all? there was NO backtalk to her orders from the floating voices OR the old girls. it was the best and safest evening I have had in weeks, dead serious. I love her so much, I am so humbled to have this kid calling me a father, her love is absolutely unfailing. I hope I can give her the same.

massive e.d. voice resurgence later though, that was a shock
the destroyer was talking to xennie for quite a while! that's new. xennie was distraught about so many other people being out when she was just trying to help me, to that the destroyer said "jay doesn't eat; he never eats" and it later hit me that dude, I DON’T, that's not my job! which explains why there's so much difficulty there. on that note xennie asked something about that, forget what exactly, but the destroyer ultimately said that's why the "eating" concerns were such a huge battleground-- I'm the core, the person supposed to be fronting benevolently whenever possible, but the eating thing isn't my fight. I can't take up that cross, by my role. so other people like to sneak in and 'act in my stead' then, claiming authority, but harming the body. so lots of headvoices deal with the e.d. stuff as a result, it's a mess since as soon as that battleground is entered, so to speak, switchiness becomes the norm. several people phase in and out without any real sense of order. the destroyer said we needed to get some coherence there, emmett needed to be on-call at all times, spice needed total authority given to her if at all possible, etc.
then the destroyer said she works with fig-- confirming her as both alive and nonhuman, but still not a fully developed individual yet-- and that fig's job is to hold the idea of "joyful eating," something totally alien to us currently. fig is the childhood experiences of actually sitting down and enjoying meals, of seeing eating as something caring and thankful. however the curse is that she holds a lot of outdated memories, of childhood foods that are no longer safe or appetizing or even wanted. so we're working through that. but since fig wants to 'enjoy' those old data foods, but cannot know (due to that old data) whether or not such a food is even edible now, she is trying everything. but we cannot eat like 98% of it so that's where the destroyer jumps in, to get rid of toxic food.
xennie asked her at one point why she can't just leave the food for other people in the house? yeah it's 'poison' for us but not for the family. if we know we can't eat it we don't have to. the destroyer paused, notably, and said that she hadn't thought of that before. that definitely was an option. so that's good.


this evening laurie and I agreed that xangas need to start happening again.
there has been too much downtime, as a whole, and that's giving the ego remnants (the "old girls") too much power and influence. that hit me today, sharply, during church. so we need to put in heavy duty work now, just like when this all started, to connect back together as a system, as a whole.
laurie's idea is to write down, during the day, discussion topics both good and bad. like if a problem or concern comes up, write it down and we will discuss it like we used to, with anyone who we feel should talk about it too. same with good things that happen, write 'em down. basically I should start carrying sherlock's book with me and keeping a running log. really that would be very beneficial.


anyway it is now 2:30 am and I cannot think coherently long enough to type anything else! good night.