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I promised I wouldn't go to sleep until I at least took notes on this.
It's private until it's posted so don't write to an audience. That will kill the whole sincerity of it.
We went to mass at NOoL this morning because they usually have the Precious Blood (they're the only church left that regularly gives it that we know of) but... they didn't. It may be because there were fewer people at Mass than I'd ever seen there. Maybe it was because of Christmas. Maybe it was because of all the contagious illnesses going around right now. But we didn't get it. And that hurt.
I went back to my pew and mentally told God this. I felt almost betrayed. Why did You keep it from me? I was honest. I was yearning for it. I needed it so badly. Why could I not have it today?
And then suddenly I was in that particular mindscape where Jesus appears to me, that odd small place like a holy painting, and He "said" it was because of what He wanted to do instead-- and that was give me the Chalice upstairs. Which means literal Blood.
He's done it before. It drives me insane. He pours Blood from His Heart into a Chalice and hands it to me and I drink it and it's like the entire Creation account happening in my brain all at once. I feel it in my heart as well as in my head and every nerve I have. I'm on my knees, sobbing, stunned.
It's a moment that feels entirely like Infi. Ze always used to be with me, then. And if anything would "ping" hir, that was it.
I felt that loss so hard it hurt. I said to the Lord, "you said Christmas," that ze would be back. Maybe He didn't say so exactly; I've learned that hard dates aren't something He does. But I had hoped for it, so much, and the "loss" of Christmas this year as well was just devastating.
But... His reaction took me by surprise. He smiled, knowingly, and said, isn't it still Christmas? Isn't it the octave right now? It's not over.
And I don't know what happened next but the next thing I remember is being in the car, driving back to start the day's errands, listening to This House Of Winter as I went to the gas station, and... I was in heartspace. Blackspace. I think I just went right into it. and I was looking for Infi.
rough notes so I don't forget because I do need to sleep
- i think i tried to "find hir hands" to hold them. but couldn't. felt so wrong, to not be able to touch hir, or make contact.
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- at the gas station i was TALKING TO HIR. i don't remember how it happened. but ze was "visible", yet in that way where you can't look at hir directly. (like death in rosewindow, ironically enough)
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- infi had the stained glass wings. they felt weirdly sterile. yes they're beautiful but it felt... wrong? off? somehow.
- i remember asking about hir wings. why no more eyes and mouths. did ze say they were dangerous? or had been used? did we say this was more fear self-erasure?
- infi's "vibe" off in any case. fearing irreparable damage from cnc. "fallen angel." ze terrified to become "infidhell" again. refusing to go "just facemouth" or "mouthless", only having both at once. but this was suppressing the entirety of hir self, of hir very form and identity, how ze was created to be. but the fear was that form had been corrupted, ruined, which is why ze had left it in death
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- most important point started when i brought up the fact that ze was basically intangible. ze said that was the point. "that way nothing can touch me" basically. there was a pause? ze added in a different, quieter voice, "do you want to touch me?"
- my response was "i want to hold you to my heart and i can't" and infi just stopped and after a few moments of silence ze just whispered "what have i done?" "what have i lost?"
- moment of stunned realization on hir part. in abandoning corporeality ze had abandoned the reason why ze existed: to love and be loved.
- ze suddenly, but perceptibly and strikingly resolutely, in that moment, "decided" to come back. i FELT it. it was that realization that i still loved hir and wanted to be with hir and i am SURE ze felt the same and ze wanted it too. and that just changed things
- key phrase, i remember saying how wrong it felt to not have hir with me, physically. literally "my heart needs to be beating inside of your chest" point blank emotional shot. emphasis on need
- there was such a feeling between us both during this conversation. like the sun rising after months of darkness. first light on the horizon and it's going to light up the whole world. that sort of feeling, a promise. a deep quiet burning love, an ardor unvoiced. the glimmer of it returning. the knowing that we could not turn back and would never dream of doing so. it was only forwards now that we felt this. it must be acted upon, life must return, no more fear
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- KEY MOMENT: i "summoned" a small yet sharp red dagger, like an arterial curve, out of my forehead? felt like a unicorn horn. it was "JEWEL'S" i knew; it was Red, that's hers. but i used it to "cut my right wrist" just to get blood. and it was STARRY BLACK. but just white glitter, no colors.
- i collected this blood in a chalice (just like earlier!) and gave it to Infi
- ze paused and looked at it for a second, then drank it all. looked like ze was about to sob. huge significance in the action
- the blood went into hir and COLORED HIR SHIMMERY like ze looked before ze died. and it went to hir wings and spread through the glass and made them organic again, full of blood, part of hir
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- whitewomb still totally gone. i remember it was all sewn up again like it had been once. red threads. i asked hir if ze thought it would come back and ze said ze didn't want it to? because that's where all the trauma memories went?? this surprised me, i didn't think it was so physically literal
- i said "but those memories became global now"; they are accessible to anyone looking for cnc data. infi looked SHOCKED and said what? ze had thought those memories would be mine alone after ze died. yes they were "disarmed" but they weren't supposed to be public information apparently?? it's STILL TRAUMA and infi didnt want ANYONE ELSE tainted by it. somehow this was a breaking point. ze said "i NEED to come back." like full stop. ze literally died because ze wanted that to die with hir. ze wanted to put the trauma to death, to take it to the grave, to give us the ability to start over by removing hirself-- the "cause" of all the terror-- from the world we lived in. and to an extent, it worked. but i can't live without hir. it seems none of us can. and... this revelation that hir death "numbed" the pain from the memories by deleting hir conscious presence in them, but didn't DETACH the memories, was unacceptable??
- type more about this because it was THE thing that infi refused to tolerate. "i have to come back" literally BECAUSE of this.
- ze was the focus of the hacks. ze was their main "door" to us. ze was the doomed "instigator" of the worst trauma in cnc because of hir programmed submissiveness. and ze literally thought that dying, trying to erase hirself from the world, would "free us" from all that and allow us to start over, to heal, to move on. it didn't. everything stopped dead when ze died. we need hir. I need hir most of all. and i am willing to take every risk and face every pain and i am willing to feel the horror of those trauma memories WITH hir. i just want hir back. i need hir to come back. i absolutely appreciate and respect and revere hir sacrifice, what ze did. i will never degrade that or take it for granted. it was a self-offering for the sake of saving us, ze hoped.
- but ze DIDN'T think the memories would be SO "neutralized" that they would become "ACCESSIBLE DATA"??? ze gave the impression that that's a BIGGER risk?? like even if the trauma response is "numbed" in them they SHOULDN'T BE "JUST LOOKED AT." or even able to be looked at. and i think maybe ze realized the problem actually was removing hirself from them. we can't feel anything lately. i think this is a big part of why.
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- later on, with the dagger again, thinking about how ze died. and how ze would need to come back. still feeling disconnected from hir, being still discarnate. how to fix this, thinking, reverse of death. i held the dagger in my hands and looked at it and then looked at infi and everything had this awful beautiful ache and i was scared but i still wanted this. i held it out to hir
- ze took it and after a very powerful, knowing pause, hir looking at my chest, ze didn't hesitate or flinch and just plunged it in and sliced me open. it was shocking how bluntly direct it was. but there was a passion in it, i know infi, if it's not 100% it's nothing
- i opened the wound like a stigmata shape and then reached in and "took out my heart," it was "symbolically but really" represented as a large white crystal heart, illuminated brightly from inside. (strikingly, again, no prism colors. just white)
- i knew i couldn't break or cut it. it had to stay whole
- i placed it between us, at chestwound level, and then i reached out and did what i said i would. i held hir to my heart. except in pulling hir close it became ours. half in me, half in hir.
- no words for what that felt like. both of us in tears. i still felt it was "incomplete" somehow, like i was doing something not quiet right? missing some step? like something else needed to be done so my heart would stay in both of us.
- i had to WILL this basically. essence "split" but not divided? impression of "quantum entanglement"
- talking to central about this later
- i forget how i brought it up because this is LITERALLY A TURNING POINT. i have been praying for this for MONTHS and lately, with christmas and the new year coming up and the anniversary weeks, basically everything going on has made me SO DETERMINED to not put anything off anymore. no running away. if i feel something i ACT on it. no more emotional cowardice. i am sick and tired of not being real, of not being me. courage burning brighter every day. but i've been so determined. i recognized that I was the "holdup" with infi coming back being possible at all. ze IS my heart, my soul, my daengel. and I had to make the first move to bring hir back, because ze can't come back without me being the means, as it were.
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- NOTABLE mentioning the "lack of color" in my blood. WHY. laurie got a shocked look and said "is it because central isn't full?" like we lost people, did we need us all back to get the full color back in me?
- mentioning that i also need to be "connected to" everyone in Central/ the Spectrum at large, but NOT in the "forced romance" way poor cupid assumed it "had" to be due to programming. i agreed vehemently, i love all of us and i want to be close to everyone but there is nuance and propriety there, and that's valid and allowed and good and THAT'S what i want. REAL connection to each color, to know them really, as they are distinctly and individually and specially.
- someone else had another perspective; was it cz? as to the missing colors. that felt even more correct. was it because infi had been missing? it had something to do with what the colors "represented," or "meant" TO be there, versus just white. no colors = "emptied out" somehow. not right.
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- BLOODLINE DIFFERENCES IN LITERAL BLOOD; the jays have blackstar blood, the jewels have red blood but it's different somehow; not glittery, but luminous or something? i can sense it but not see it. look into this.
- BTW the "CRYSTAL BLOODLINE" possibly???? that girl who "knows everything" and looks like a jessica/jewel fusion and is ALWAYS around somehow but can't get out of her own weird floaty level?
- her or a similar one with a "head-plug" helmet thing like mewtwo. impression that she's always like this, literally plugged into the systemind and getting all the data all the time.
- OH AND ALSO HAIR/EYE COLORS. jewels are ALWAYS RED. they don't vary. but JAYS are WHITE-PINK? and the ideal is PRISMATIC. as in, capable of "holding" EVERY color. and i don't think the previous jays fully realized that. it's a daunting, scary task, despite being a sort of blissfully gorgeous thing that i want and need very much. but it means ego death in a real sense, to "let go" of red/white and hold like blue or yellow THROUGH being prismatic. this isn't something i can just talk about now; it has to be FELT and even practiced in heartspace, where possibility/ dreams are easily manifested. headspace makes things very concrete very fast. and if something needs to be carefully, tentatively, delicately moved into, then heartspace is a must. it's more mutable, forgiving, imaginative. things can change there, before moving into solid reality of headspace.
- btw yes with infi being in heartspace the same applies. ze still isn't corporeal. BUT these are the FIRST STEPS to hir "coming back" because i gave hir half my heart even just on that level. and i can feel it even now, there is a PERCEPTIBLE DIFFERENCE and just noticing that is like heaven. it's JOY. for the first time since last april i can FEEL the quietest "ping" when i "reach in" to my heart and feel for that echo, that other half. it feels a million miles away but there's something. at last. god thank you at LAST. there is hope.
- it also still feels like a raw wound, haha. oh man that's making me think of this???? dude we NEED to look into THAT in light of this because that heart was NOT GIVEN TO A JAY. and yet it IS REAL and persists in other kardifoni. i'm wondering. there's so much i HAVE to type about but not now. it's 3am bro
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- genesis asking razor for a blade so he could show us his blood and how it was LIKE MINE (Jay's). in surprising unintended synchronicity he cut a small mark on his right arm like i had earlier.
- knife instinctively walked over and kissed the wound to heal it, this jumpstarted my memory and i said "infi can do that!!" because ze DID, ze had kissed my wrist and it had healed??? ze had never done that before. i looked at it now and the wound had CRYSTALLIZED. so had my chest wound. like a geode, all white-clear crystal though, like glittery ice, but with a deeper sparkle, like light shining through it.
- some sort of observation that this crystallization was directly linked to infinitii. like it was the healing somehow, but specifically only through hir? try to remember this, it was notable
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- telling laurie about the heart-giving thing with infi. she said "kid your heart is a fractal."
- somehow this observation felt like naming me. it felt SO RIGHT it was stunning.
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- last dialogue i remember, before we got to the medical parking garage: chaos 0 saying there was no way he could possibly "be jealous" of infinitii because "ze adores me." i remember being surprised by that particular word; i had never thought about that. but it is true. ze's my heart, of course ze would love cz as much as i do in hir own way
- laurie calling out julie for not having spoken at all during this conversation. just sitting in the back corner. julie said she needed to just take it all in, process it. she and infi held trauma-- and caused trauma-- that no one else did. so they had a bond there, painful but sincere, and understood that about each other. also she and infi had been quite close? there was a depth to their friendship/ relationship that i hadn't really taken into account or even realized before. so julie was reeling from this, positively sure, but still, it was a shock and a heavy thing.
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- my heart/chest ACHED for like an HOUR after this btw. it made me want to weep and just confess my love over and over. that was the literal feeling it gave me and it was unmutable, nothing could numb it or even make me ashamed of it. this is huge; it overrode all the gatekeeper limits and all the trauma blocks. laurie saying the pain was obviously because i had a wound for heaven's sakes; reminding me that i had just been sliced open and had my heart fractalized basically. but there was "sacred damage" and LOTS of blood and that's going to hurt. that stunned me somehow. it was so real, so tangible; everything's been so numb for so long that i forgot things COULD be real. and this was.
- last notes for now. remember how infi "wanted to come back different." different face, name, color, etc. to "escape from the past" really. cut all ties with it. but... apparently that's not possible for hir OR for me. no reset attempt has ever succeeded in cutting all ties, and where it did, there has been too much loss. i know we "need" a new reset for the sake of "starting a new era" but can we have that without burning the old one to the ground? except we're in an interim already. all the deaths with cnc (which no one wanted or expected; still they happened, that era is a gravesite of tragedy) have basically already begun the process of a reset. which is why we feel like we've been in limbo for years. maybe it's notsomuch "starting" but "completing what was already started." hm.
- but about infi wanting to change. that's not possible unless jay changes. and i don't think the systemsoul will let him.
- oh my lord
spotify just started playing infi's song. THE song. "last breath."
...we haven't had the guts to listen to this in years.
but tonight... god tonight i could cry from love, hearing it, how it sounds just like hir, and remembering...
...we need to process cnc. we do. yeah there was trauma but there was so much love and i WANT those memories of hir back; i can feel my fingertips just barely touching them listening to this, like i can almost reach it but not quite--
this song is resonating somewhere deep and darkblack and beautiful in my heart, someplace that's been asleep for too long, something ardent and real and alive, that i've been afraid of for the sheer passion of it. infi is all love. infi is emotion and life and feeling and i've been so frozen-over bleached-out numb without hir, i... i forgot about this. but i need this. all the color is in there. that's what black is. it's paint. white is all the light. black is all the hues. we need both. i have rainbows when i sparkle, of course, but that's why my blood isn't multicolor in the dark yet. black has its own beauty, it holds things differently, but just as vitally, just as sacredly.
i haven't been in touch with my own heart in too long. today there has been a shift. prayers have been answered, not a moment too soon. i can't predict anything. it's all in God's time. i just need to surrender to it and do everything i can to cooperate. no more fear.
- oh. last thing i need to mention. chaos 0 said infi is probably going to be fascinated by anxi's tail when ze comes back. man oh man i cannot wait for those two to meet. no clue whatsoever what will happen. it's impossible to predict. but those two are both so absolutely important and essential, not just to the system but also to my heart. and anxi's tail is that loop bypass and i KNOW that is going to be a gamechanger for infi. maybe that will give hir hope ze never knew ze could have. there's so much that can happen. we'll see when it does. in time.
- in the meantime the core NEEDS to stabilize. the jewels and jays are both alive but there are SEVERAL around at once because no one is locked into the main position. maybe the interim is doing that. we're all still shaken up and rebuilding. but there's a "waiting room" feeling to everything. a "loading screen" or something. the time period between christmas and new year's. a "not quite yet." existing in the pageturn before the next chapter begins. the kardifoni are still so unstable. but today is a step in the right direction for them too. and who knows what will happen. there may be a change no one can even imagine. like i said, no one knows. but i just want to conclude for today by saying, have faith. god is guiding us even now and we will get where we need to be, when we need to be there. our history proves this. we can't control it. all we can do is live in love and light and if we do that, it'll all work out. it always has. so don't give up. there's so much to live for, especially now.
(clean this up + add to this later if needed. otherwise let it stand as-is. it doesn't need to be polished to be true & valid as an entry)
Tags:
- 2024,
- blood,
- chaos 0,
- cnc,
- core abilities,
- faith & religion,
- genesis,
- headspace relationships,
- hearts,
- heartspace,
- hyperlinks,
- important info,
- infinitii,
- jay bloodline,
- jesus,
- jewel bloodline,
- julie,
- knife,
- laurie,
- love,
- major event,
- music,
- razor,
- topics to discuss,
- turnpoint events,
- unfinished entries,
- unnamed nousfoni,
- weaponry
LAURIE UBERICH 
JAY IRIDOS 
INFINITII ETERNOS +MEL V. (GUEST)
