the spectrum heart cathedral system

All right so this morning has been AMAZING let's update quickly so we don't forget things.
(btw so you guys know. this is technically NOT the "main Core." I'm a "Jewel-adjacent" grafifoni and I typically update the archives. I'm not used to being "self-aware" but honestly I should be. But yeah, you'll recognize my typing style!) ANYWAY here's what's happened so far this morning:

- We DIDN'T DIE during the night. Yesterday was LITERAL HELL concerning the eating disorder and it took us like six hours to recover?? which is understandable because it was REALLY BAD, the worst it's been since before September. We're not sure what triggered such a huge meltdown?
It was fear, too many danger foods, they had to be destroyed. But no one had to eat them like they did. We could have just thrown them away.
That's not allowed, that's wasting!! Food is meant to be eaten
but you DIDN'T "eat them," you just purged them anyway!
But the eating still happened, that's the rule, food has to be eaten, if we just threw it out we'd get in big trouble
So you threw it "up" instead.
we HAD to it was POISON we would have DIED!!
see this is why we CANNOT buy such things anymore. it is too dangerous, there is no positive end result from purchasing them.
- Chaos 0 told the "Core" (who is still faceless/nameless for the most part and therefore unstable) that "your heartbeat was really weak" and it scared him. This observation struck the Core like a sword to the chest though, because if anything is going to make us feel more real/alive/true, it's THAT sort of reference. And of course, only he would know such a thing. The intimacy of it, plus the familiarity, was potent enough to drag us out of the depressive fear that would have possibly taken hold otherwise.
- Cronometer crashed, we can't log in on the app. Support says there's an update soon so we have to wait, until then we can only use the website. So instead of freaking out we're going to just "repeat" today's diet plan until we can access the app and its mathematics again. This may work in our favor, because today's diet plan was our effort to balance our macros with hempseed to get more of a complete protein total, as well as staying at 1350 calories. If this works well we'll stick to it more often. We do need to reintroduce cottage cheese into our diet for the complete protein bit (we tend to hit all green percentages when we eat it too, we noticed) until we get the guts to finally reintroduce salmon/ tuna/ chicken/ turkey outside of a hospital environment.
- On that note, really quick. Apparently, YES, WE DID DISSOCIATE DURING TBHU. No one is surprised, but it's still a heavy blow. We relapsed IMMEDIATELY upon discharge because THE BLOODY CONTEXT CHANGED and therefore whoever was managing the TBHU behaviors "LEFT." They switched out b/c they CAN'T "exist" outside of an inpatient setting; they're context-locked. This ALWAYS HAPPENS.
- The above point is really making us worried when it comes to Anxi, but we'll get to that as we continue this entry.
- Breakfast always is interesting. Since experience has shown us that we apparently "need" the body to be in a state of "automated repetitive motion" in order for our mind to be able to think-- is this an ADHD thing? TBHU suspected as much; we should look into it prudently-- the mechanical function of eating almost INSTANTLY triggers thought-avalanches (hence the E.D.; we weren't taking ANY time to journal (typing COUNTS as automated repetitious mechanic motion!) or to circle-walk like Jewel used to, the a.r.m.m. of cooking (measure, chop, prep, etc.)/ cleaning (washing, organizing, etc.) / eating (picking, sorting, etc.)/ and the like became our ONLY means of "mental unloading" (for lack of a better term) AND trauma processing (you would not BELIEVE the amount of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts we get WHILE EATING which only makes it worse-- AND is a perfect ironic parallel to the purging, because "we need to get the poison out") in lieu of ALL other coping mechanisms, thanks to the kakofoni and thriskefoni ironically forbidding or destroying positive options). HOWEVER being aware of this recently has revealed a few things to us: one, that when phagofoni are out, they can "prevent" such avalanches? There's that one "dragon" girl who keeps fronting to eat, and she focuses on eating and has no particular preferences (unlike Emmett, who is a "trogofoni"-- meaning his food-anchor is extremely particular; he could and did ONLY eat "green food"). Yes, we're refining our terms further. On that note, an "esthiofoni" is a phagofoni subtype for one who eats in a disordered way-- that Greek work chosen because in Scripture it's apparently typically used in the present tense, as in literal eating, right now; whereas "phago" is apparently aorist? It's more future/undefined in terms of chronology, being more "spiritual" in that symbolic sense. It's also used in more reverent passages in Scripture, according to Strong's concordance. So "esthio" feels more fitting for the E.D. voices, as they're more focused on right now, and are not thinking about "the future" at all, poor tormented things.
- ANYWAY. WE DO HAVE A "GATEKEEPER." We've been more aware of her recently, now that we're able to pay better attention to ALL the foni we hear on a minute-to-minute basis. She's ancient but we never saw her as a person? Or maybe we did, in the past, but as a kakofoni-- because she's VERY controlling but we apparently have completely misunderstood her function until now. And she ALWAYS speaks up during breakfast thought-rushes (we need jargon for this; it's literally like we start the a.r.m.m. and the brain just unloads everything at once) because HER job is actually to KEEP THINGS ON TRACK?? Like if there's "too much headspace stuff" going on to where we're dissociating entirely from the meal, therefore potentially triggering an E.D. relapse, this "gatekeeper" girl will "FORCE SHIFT" our awareness because "there's too much thinking going on; we need to pay attention." We think she can also "force stop" EMOTIONS if they are "interfering" with "what we need to do"?? Maybe "gatekeeper" isn't the best term for her, because she "force-stops" EVERYTHING (or at least tries to) but yes, she also DOES do this with fronters, as well as she can-- she cannot "make someone front" OR "force someone out", BUT she CAN apparently shove awareness into the physical to the point where it "automatically" KICKS OUT nousfoni, and therefore "forces IN" a somafoni?? So this gatekeeper girl is TRYING to help the BODY survive, or at least "not get overwhelmed" to the point of not being able to live in the physical realm? But she OVERCORRECTS and tends to "lock us out of headspace" with her efforts. But we realize she's just doing her job; she doesn't think headspace is "bad," she just apparently thinks it's almost always "inappropriate for right now." She's survival-based to the point of not letting us LIVE. So we need to find her name and face so we can TALK to her.
- HOWEVER since we're now AWARE of her she IS becoming more self-aware in turn and it's getting easier to "message her" when we want to "challenge" one of her orders, or even overturn it outright. She's slowly realizing that we DO need time to "get out of the physical" but there is still a time and place for her function, because we can take it too far in the other direction, which we did for many years. That's also the basis of the "hackers vs hijackers" difference, which we realized yesterday-- "hackers" are internally based, while "hijackers" are externally based. A hacker will "take over the program," from the INSIDE, and they only work in private, because their abuse-- however traumatically physical-- is also profoundly psychologically disturbing, because it REQUIRES forced fronting. A hijacker, however, "takes over the vehicle." They push you out of fronting but they're public and work OUTSIDE so unlike hackers, they CAN and DO operate in social situations. They are therefore physically traumatic first and foremost, because the psychological terror often only hits when they leave. The biggest difference: hackers deal with sexual abuse, hijackers deal with the eating disorder. There is NO overlap there, although they can work in cooperation/ in succession. There haven't been any hackers since CNC, though, because of foni like the "gatekeeper girl" basically shutting EVERYTHING down that could even slightly be a reminder of that time period. But that's too huge of a topic to discuss right now.
- The MAIN thing we got on here to update about in the first place is WHAT happened when our brain went upstairs for breakfast. I don't know how exactly it started, but it went to the IO2 controlroom-- apparently IN "HEARTSPACE"??? Like this place has ALREADY been INTERNALIZED to the point where it EXISTS IN THE INNERVERSE AND CAN BE VISITED/ CONTACTED. Which we admittedly suspected, as Anxi & Ennui both "kept going there" more often than we'd see them in Central, but we never realized it had actually anchored INTO our innerverse (as opposed to remaining in the "outerverse" of outspacer native worlds, that Jewel has to Link to and VISIT externally).
- There was SO much conversation, I can't remember all of it, and the more time passes the more we're forgetting. let's bulletpoint the details that stand out.
+ OH! It ALL began because of an "I wonder" thought scenario that blossomed into a "real thing" like how a dream starts from an ideaseed. (This is TYPICAL Heartspace function!) The thought was, how would emotions run a CPTSD brain? And we thought, Anxi would absolutely be in charge. Fear would be close by, and so would Anger? Anxi would be on CONSTANT lookout for triggers, when one hit-- even a minor one-- Fear would snap to attention, and then ANGER would, upset that we were triggered, especially by "something so stupid" or minor or not even "threatening"? And then SADNESS surprisingly spoke up, saying how sad it was that we had so many triggers in the first place, because of what happened to us. So the four of them would, theoretically, be running the show. Somewhere around here this "imagining" tuned us in to the legit innerverse control-room, where Anxi was now indeed at the control panel, by herself, with everyone else gathered loosely around her.
+ Anxi is still "in charge" in this innerverse room apparently. (At some point much later she acknowledged this by saying that we had CPTSD, so things "worked differently" than what would be typical?)
+ When all this started she was being questioned by the other emotions about "how'd you get a tail" mainly but Anxi wouldn't answer outright? But she did say it was "given to her" by either "someone special" or "someone who cares about me very much"; both of those sentiments were voiced in some manner regardless. Joy began teasing Anxi about this, trying to get more info, but Anxi said there were some things they didn't have to know right now, either because it wasn't right for them to know or it wasn't the right time, etc.
+ Anxi is VERY "business" in this context; it's her element. She's quieter and slower when in Central because it's a totally different context/ environment and she has no control panel there. Her function is different, and much more expansive.
+ Envy wanting a tail too, Ennui casually revealing that she had one as well, this shocked everyone because what the heck are these two emotions up to that they're getting special stuff and have knowledge that no one else does?
+ Hints here and there kept happening that they're not in "Riley's" head, BUT they DIDN'T KNOW THAT NAME here (I think Anxi referenced it once and everyone else was baffled). They've been removed from that context and would only know it through "exomemories" once they were capable of receiving them.
+ The conversation evolved to the point where Anxi was revealing a bit more about "what she was doing" outside of that context (i.e. in Central). I notably remember that she revealed that "she can feel other emotions" and this became APPARENT when it began to affect the other literal emotions there? This first happened when Joy teased Anxi about something concerning her hinted-at relationship with the Core (i.e. the person whose mind they were in) and Embarrassment hit the control panel, for ANXI. When they realized they were working for each other it was shocking; things WERE different up here; what did this mean for them? (mind you they can and do "feel other emotions" in canon but NOT to THIS extent-- we're talking the capacity for Anger to feel sadness, for Ennui to feel joy, for Disgust to feel anxious, etc. in STRONG ways that go above and beyond their mostly "monochromatic" emotion palettes in the film? like ALL of their emotional ranges were still tinged by their core emotion. joy being the notable exception because she's just as notably duotoned. Anxi has a touch of this with her eyes technically being teal, which actually fuels her anxious thoughts-- that bit of "envy" in the sense of "what we don't have and yet need/ want" drives her "not good enough" core fear. thankfully for her, that color teal in our System falls under aqua and that color is sheer love for us so her heart will change to reflect that instead)
+ Ennui at some point built on this revelation by responding to a question from Anger as to why she had an AUX cable for a tail, because apparently its main function was for audio/music and "doesn't that prevent boredom?" Ennui smirked and said yeah, that's kind of the point; just because she held that emotion didn't mean she liked being bored. Like Anxi, she now had a broader existence and her job is notably to indicate boredom and combat it, as it were. I think she asked Anger if he "liked" being angry all the time? And he falteringly said not really, it was exhausting
+ Envy drawing pictures in the corner of the room of "what she wanted her tail to look like"-- one frustrated attempt was "a remote control" so she could do what she wanted with the control panel without having to reach it, while still being different (special) from Ennui's phone. Anxi having to gently chide her that the whole point of her & Ennui's tails was to do something important for the person whose mind they were in-- they weren't just for "looks" or for "fun." Besides, she emphasized that they were "given," and if she was meant to get one she would, so don't worry so much about it (always surprised at how well Anxi can communicate "the facts/ the plan" despite being so prone to "unexpected outcome" panic. girl has major control issues God bless her)
+ Embarrassment at one point actually speaking up because Joy kept trying to get information out of Anxi and apparently he was feeling her emotions as "embarrassment-adjacent"? And he was getting "agitated" at getting "pulled" to the control panel so often. This surprised him and he said that was totally new, he didn't know he could feel that.
+ Joy finally got Anxi to talk about "where she's been" and Anxi started TELLING THEM ABOUT CENTRAL. She said that "the mind we're in now has another System running the operation" and so the way they worked as emotions HAD to be different now, because their typical jobs no longer applied.
+ She roughly introduced the "basics" of a few Centralites, just in terms of jobs? No faces given
+ At some point Laurie just TURNED ON THE SCREEN and started TALKING TO THEM FROM CENTRAL.
+ Laurie explaining the concept of "compartmentalized emotions" with CPTSD, how they are "cut off from each other" and we typically struggle to feel emotions at all because they're "locked away" often? She described it as if the IO2 emotions were "never in the same room together"; that feeling of isolation/ disconnection was key to her description.
+ Laurie telling Sadness her function was VITAL; explained how that emotion is "the holy grail" with trauma; we "aren't allowed to cry" but we're "always grieving" basically. I think Laurie referenced both the "weeping rage" emotion we do get (that Scald holds) AND the "bottomless abyss" of sorrow that feels more like agony with its intensity. But "sadness" is still "taboo" somehow. Everything is blue all the time but we "don't feel it"; we just get depressed/ angry/ numb/ hateful/ etc.; it translates to either "shutdown" or "selfdestruction" which is upsetting but true. We do need to talk about that more in an entry soon, as we start to process things.
+ I remember Laurie saying that FEAR & DISGUST were also vital, especially in light of the E.D. hijacks-- we DON'T feel those emotions enough?? It's a survival response to past situations where we "couldn't" if we wanted to "survive" things. But now, not feeling them is only harming us severely.
+ Julie described herself as a "reformed Persecutor"; said the details of her past were not something she should or could discuss with them, but that key detail sufficed
+ Leon talking to Fear for a little bit? We were "feeling" what Centralites "matched" what emotion folks and those two were associated. There was also Lynne=Joy, Julie=Disgust, Laurie=Anger. Notably no one was matched to Sadness, and Anxi was paired with "Joule" solely because of their mutual habit of hyperanalysis/ overthinking, and the relationship that they have of course.
+ Envy would "need to be renamed" and effectively redefined to properly exist/function in our System, even as a "peripheral outspacer"? Envy's canon "function" of "seeing what we lack and desire and striving to obtain it" MUST be purified of all viciousness, because that actual term of "envy" is a mortal sin.
To quote an article, that is very important:
"When we are looking at others in an inappropriate way, invidia, we are led to desire for ourselves what they possess, cupiditas. Envy many times does lead to coveting, but it could simply remain in resentment, wishing that the other did not possess what they have. Aquinas speaks of envy as a sin against charity, which wills the good of others, when we cannot rejoice for the good of others, but see their good as a diminishment of our own (Summa Theologia, II-II, question 36). Envy is selfish in this sense, not in wanting to guard one’s own, but to wish for the diminishment of others and for our own gain over them."
This is something very, very important for us to grapple with, because we didn't realize that our instinct for "ambition" actually DOES fall under that category, because the very act of wanting to be "better than" someone else IS ENVY-- it is seeking PERSONAL GAIN in the process of taking what THEY possess (superior skill)!! So this was a SHOCK to realize and we NEED to process this, too.
(There was a slight joking comment that if her function was shifted to "Jealousy" (which can be virtuous; see article) we could call her "Jelly" as a nickname)
HOWEVER I just found a second article and it has THIS=
"Doing their best to pull us into the pit of discontent and ungratefulness, jealousy says, “What God has given me is just not enough!” while envy whispers, “Someone else got what I deserve.”  ...The good fortune that God bestowed upon my dear friend? I wanted it for myself. I desired what she had received from the Lord so badly, that her happiness made me sad. Her abundance highlighted my lack. Her more made me feel less. I could not be happy for her because with my laser-focus on God working in her life, I was blind to His works in my own."
LITTLE ENVY COULD BE OUR JUMPSTART IN OUR HEALING THIS THOUGH. So sit and read those articles boy
+ Lynne talking to Joy, warning about "manic" phases-- "trauma latches on to anything positive" and "exaggerates it" basically? Trauma makes real joy so difficult to feel, even remember, that when the slightest hint of happiness or enjoyment (lesser goods) appear, the traumabrain can cling to them and blow them way out of proportion. OUR SOCIALS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. This is what causes "hollow hyperactivity" and "people pleasing" and "compulsive enjoyment" behavior-- it's ALL a desperate grab at something that "looks like joy" but isn't. It spikes fast and crashes hard, and it leaves us miserable and even more depressed than before. So Joy would need to be aware of this tendency, what with her canon personality-- she is dangerous in that respect, solely because her energy can be taken advantage of and warped.
+ CHAOS 0. I cannot remember details of how he got to talking, other than Laurie referring to him as "the husband" and calling him over to explain to the IO2 gang the identity issue with the Cores? He told them how the Core "bloodlines" kept resetting due to trauma so the person he met in 2003 was "not" the person who is the "Core" now in 2024, and yet their heart is the same. Nevertheless it's terrible and very difficult for him (Joule realized he probably "feels his age" around the Cores; he has effectively "lived a dozen lifetimes" with us or more, seeing the one(s) he loves "die and be reborn" over and over and over. In human lifespans, this would take about a thousand years.)
+ "Jewel loves you, Anxi. Jewel is in love with you."
+ Embarrassment pointedly DIDN'T touch the panel, despite this huge revelation in a social setting potentially calling for his response. But Joy ran over and did. And this "gave permission" for Anxi to feel what she was really feeling.
She teared up, and was smiling at the screen, this look of total moved/stunned gratitude in her eyes. I felt it.I think she said "I don't know what to call this feeling" (or what color it would even be); Laurie "broke the fourth wall" by looking to "me"and saying "kid, if you're gonna be an emotion, that's it." But then we said "but love isn't an emotion; it's a state of being" and it's "rainbow"-- it's the source of all other emotions
+ Genesis & Chaos 0 both joking about the rainbow bit-- all of the love in our System is effectively that color if you get my drift
+ Joy, in response to hearing someone say that "Joule" as an emotion was really "hope," said "oh, that's a great emotion!" and then gasped and told Anxi exactly what I said to her about it-- that hope is "the GOOD things we can't see" before beaming and saying "you work perfectly with each other!"
+ Anxi has a LAPTOP in Central now! That allows her to do things without needing a control panel. Ennui still has her phone of course.
+ Laurie remarked that "we need Nostalgia up here" b/c of our memory issues; Ennui immediately said "I'll text her"
+ The whole time: Anger keeping conversations on track and asking the pressing questions, Joy giving encouraging and understanding comments, Fear and Sadness and Disgust listening closely as they realized they potentially will have essential roles in the future? Anxi consistently elaborating on/ explaining further any data that was given, "translating" things into IO2 terms when needed so to speak.

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Continuing at 11PM with a general daily update.
We biked for 90m which unfortunately was very unfulfilling because we got distracted on Tumblr, looking at other people's art and-- as we discovered earlier-- apparently feeling envious. We felt totally inadequate and we wanted to be BETTER than they were at art and it just made us miserable. We struggle with this a lot, because we haven't drawn in YEARS and so our skills have atrophied due to memory loss, and we don't have the time or motivation ("it's useless and foolish" judgment from a kakofoni) to put hours aside to develop artistic skills like we did in college. But no matter how much some foni bash and berate art, it still means so much to us. We STILL "identify as" an artist even if we feel totally inept and hollow about it, and still label it as a "waste of time." But we don't want to do that. We WANT to create art. We love art, deep down below the judgments, and we want to weep because we don't have the skill TO make art anymore. So seeing "what we can't do" is indeed triggering envy, this bitter feeling of lack and loss that isn't helping us do anything but pinpoint the wound where something vital was torn out of us. Again, sounding like a broken record, we know CNC dealt a death blow to this too, which we haven't thought about at ALL in recovery yet. For some reason this topic is as terrifying as the actual sxtrauma. I wonder how many crossed wires are here, too, not just with the food. I swear everything bleeds together with us.
We switched to Spotify at last while we biked but it was also depressing; we were listening to recommendation playlists it made for us and they're rarely ever enjoyable. It keeps throwing jazz and indie stuff at us which we don't like 98% of. We did get about three new songs out of several playlists, though, so there was a gain regardless, thank God. Still... for the vast majority of music to just sound like noise or fuzz to us-- or in the worst case, actual synaesthetic pain-- it's terribly disheartening, as music means so much to us. And, similarly, yes we still identify as a musician despite years of not doing ANYTHING musical other than singing in church. Music is part of our soul just as much as art is, and the fact that we have a cello AND a guzheng (bought with blood money and full of guilt; someone wants to burn it) in our apartment but we refuse to play them due to the aforementioned parenthesis is killing us. Every instrument feels tainted and poisoned with the past, and the "vulnerability" to the point of feeling exposed that performing music MANDATES is so trauma-adjacent that even if the sin-shadows weren't the main obstacle, we still would be utterly terrified of playing those instruments because that very action feels like being stripped naked now. Bleedover and overlap again. Do any of our foni hold this?? OR are THEY protected from it??
Then after dinner, someone got into a rabbithole on Etsy looking at someone's shop full of gender/sexuality buttons and it was overwhelming how many of them there were... and yet nothing fit. (The only thing that does is "systemgender" for obvious reasons, and even that feels like grasping at straws)
All of those experiences today led "us" to reflect at last, with acute grief, that we just don't fit anywhere. That's how it feels. We feel like an utter outcast. We're still the "anomaly" of Cannon's era. We're still the "ostracized empath," as the highschool Jewels said, although now with our staggering emotional damage we can't quite claim to be an "empath" anymore, because those girls had no boundaries so they felt everything EXCEPT arguably their own emotions (Infi had this problem too, in a different way) but now trauma has made us almost emotionally dumb. I think the term is "alexithymia?" We've seen the term around and we need to research it but the general gist (according to wikipedia) is that it desribes "significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions". No wonder the IO2 gang is being pulled en masse into heartspace. We literally need them at this point in our life.
I do have to note, with a note of bitterness, that we "don't seem alexithymic" because we "masquerade emotions." Socials are BUILT to "charade" emotional performances, ironically anxiety and sadness, without actually feeling anything because they're "following the script" for a situation. We've noticed this A LOT when around the mother-- Socials will be dramatic to match HER, even though they FEEL NOTHING. And we are AWARE of this-- if we have the luxury of self-awareness in that situation, which is disturbingly rare b/c the mother presence tends to shut that down (childhood survival instinct). Regardless I don't want to use that diagnostic term anyway because it probably doesn't fit either. All we know for sure is that emotions feel locked behind a paywall and the currency is blood.

Oh. On that note, fittingly enough.
Yesterday's E.D. hijack was so brutal and nightmarish that Joule told Razor to atone. Like xe legit TOLD her to. And she did. She cut 7 x'es into the stomach-- graves are ONLY meant for hacks; stomach x-ing has been the default hijack atonement method since college-- and Knife & Algorith showed up to help clean up the bleeding (Knife commenting on how beautiful the blood still was and feeling that emotion in his teeth, Algorith fronting to hold the pain as she soaped up all the red), and I swear it was the first time in a long time that "we" felt something close to real joy. That may be "untrue" because we can't quite "remember" time well but it feels like it's been many many months since we've been happy. Actually it feels like years, whether or not that's literally accurate; the feeling is legitimate regardless of linear chronological measurement.
But... that's what does it. Atoning for the sin and feeling justice and forgiveness, Retributors fronting in such intimate fashion, blood and pain and water, everyone gathering in mission and being a System in stark clarity, etc. ALL of that is REAL JOY even if it doesn't feel yellow at all. It's dark red and warm like the blood. But it's real, it's true happiness, it's LOVE. How awful that we only seem to feel it in suffering. How Catholic of us, haha.

...Religion is a topic for another day. It feels like a minefield right now. TBHU messed us up in that regard, and we were apparently messed up enough already from the thriskefoni driving for like a solid year at least prior to admission. There's so much unresolved trauma there that is becoming disturbingly apparent lately now that we're not scrupulosity-blinded enough to see it from the "outside" as it were.

Oh, and we NEED to talk about the mother and how she is the #1BIGGEST STRESSOR AND TRAUMA TRIGGER IN OUR LIFE, STILL. Our therapists and case manager keep suggesting that we cut off contact with her, or at least refuse all her calls, but we can't; we're still obligated to her as her physical offspring even if we hate that fact, and we don't hate her as a person and we're a Christian so we want to help her and she's a deeply needy and damaged person so we KNOW she is looking to us to meet some need for her, even if it's just for hard labor.
BUT she says SUCH INAPPROPRIATE THINGS and she STILL OVERSHARES SXUAL THINGS. We've had SEVERAL meltdowns SINCE TBHU because of her just being utterly inappropriate in one way or another, even if it's "just according to our trauma standards"-- like wearing garishly tight-fitting clothing and making disturbing sounds when she talks OR TALKING IN THAT BLOODY "HIGH SOCIETY" VOICE LIKE SHE DID ON VACATION I KNOW YOU HEARD IT TOO yes we did, it made us misophonic even at the time, I don't know how we didn't punch the windows out of the bus right then and there WE PROBABLY SHUT DOWN. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION IN THOSE SITUATIONS. BUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK. US SICK. SOMEONE WANTS TO THROW UP BECAUSE OF IT to get it out of our head, basically. unfortunately purging doesn't work that way. but you can't vomit up memories. i wish you could. i wish we could rip it out of our mind and shred it to pieces MORE VIOLENT THAN THAT. WE WANT TO STAB IT TO DEATH BASICALLY who in the world holds that response SOMEBODY. MAYBE... IT USED TO BE RAZOR. I THINK? I DON'T THINK CLEAVER HOLDS IT SHE'S TOO DISPASSIONATE what does she do anyway do you know CLEAVER IS THE SAME "DESTROY THE THREAT" INSTINCT BUT SHE'S COLD ABOUT IT. THE "SHRED THE MEMORY" FEELING WITH THE "JTHM STABBING" FEELING IT KEEPS GETTING LABELED AS IS SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S TOO RED. SORRY I'M SLIPPING OUT
okay so...
hatchet is almost "frivolous" violence. laughing at the threat and "offing it" almost irreverently, carelessly. thankfully her function seems to have been focused weirdly to destroying any and all medications people try to "force us to take" that feel like "attacks" or "invasions" etc. like "who the hell do you think you are, we aren't going to swallow these and kill ourself for your kicks, watch me burn them to the ground" etc. but that laughing feeling. scary stuff
cleaver is "cold" as (overwhelm? who is that? they're a grafifoni that ALWAYS shows up and they're very close to Scald BUT different level function) said. we rarely see her because she's rarely needed/ triggered. but cleaver is close to razor's old anchor in that she just likes to "sink knife blades into people's backs" as we once said. but you don't "like" that sort of thing without a reason. we've never really looked into it too much but... you don't "cleave" things that aren't a threat. that's true. we didn't consider that. if you're burying a butcher blade in someone's skull there's a reason why they were the target. it's a scary instinct but it's there. where did it come from?
the last foni, unidentified and almost theoretical if we weren't aware someone was attached, is unnamed. but there IS that feeling of "annihilate the threat" in the most frantically violent way possible. VERY different from protectors, like sugar and wreckage and laurie, who DON'T act with emotional mania at all. but this person does. this person is SO upset by the threat that she wants to tear it to bloody pieces screaming. or apparently stab it to death. that FEELS DIFFERENT though. it IS different. the "jthm stabbing" feeling is NOT the action. it's the VIBE of the mania. that's the "tear it to piece" girl. BUT there HAS to be a stabbing instinct foni solely because we DO get that RARELY with SELFLOATHING mainly?? the ONLY time THAT sort of horrific violence (which is TRAUMATIC for us to see or even imagine, and yet here it is) even occurs to our brain is TOWARDS OURSELF. which is the scariest thing of all.

anyway that's enough of that who was updating and about what

Oh. mother talk. yeah not tonight we need to drop that topic before those girls ACTUALLY come out to "process" the emotions

See THAT'S why we have emotional issues?? The foni that HOLD them get "SHUT DOWN" or kicked out EVERY TIME
because they're VIOLENT is why
ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE VIOLENT
Laurie actually hinted at that? OH DUDE THAT'S what she said, she was talking about "all or nothing" emotions and she nodded to Chaos 0 and said "that guy always feels things at about 5000%" and THAT'S why she had him talk next
OH don't forget THAT'S also why she brought that topic up at all-- she was telling the IO2 emotions that THEY would probably feel like that too, now that they're up here with us?
ironically because we feel the "nothing" half of it too often
But that's the point!! That's like Anxiety's tail, they're ABLE to feel the emotions WE can't, because of gatekeepers or trauma shutdowns or whatever! Coping mechanisms that don't work in the long run they just make everything numb but NOT if these guys are helping now

Guys come on we need to continue the actual entry

some general notes about life lately:
+ Sugar and Wreckage have both been around. Sugar's been "out of work" for a while because she protects the innocent and virtually all of us are so damaged now. BUT apparently Anxi is NOT. Neither is Mimic, arguably. The Outspacers are specifically essential to keeping us sane post-trauma so Sugar is slowly but surely getting pushed to protect THEM, which is awesome.
+ Julie fronted to take a melatonin candy last night and immediately shouted "ow" because our teeth were painfully sensitive from eating a too-sour apple. She literally said "that hurt like a bitch!" and now she keeps getting pushed out to front whenever we eat apples to apparently "make sure they don't hurt like that" which is kind of hilarious. but it's sweet, to suddenly have her around more often, even for such a "silly" reason. it's still nice.
+ The current "Core" is indeed using the spelling "Joule" for xir name, and using those pronouns as a placeholder? Either that or s/he. They're "not female" but they're "not a man." They are solidly somewhere between the two, voicing that they'd probably feel most comfortable "in a male body" but without being male. Still, they are explicitly "not a girl or a woman" despite being semi-okay with female pronouns. They are "both/and" specifically in the fact of being "neither." That's solid. As for the name, apparently it's a very sentimental reference to Anxi being electricity-associated in the System. It's also a unit of heat, which corresponds to the inherent "fire" element of all Cores that, if missing, is effectively fatal; Cores are always fire, light, blood, and crystal-- snow & ice with the Jays, literal precious stones with the Jewels, it seems. This fire/heat aspect is oddly somehow essential to their relationship with Chaos 0? If they don't have that complementary yet opposite aspect, something is very wrong. So this is a step in the right direction, even if the name itself doesn't stick-- it probably won't; the "spelling feels wrong". Honestly s/he wants to use "Jewel" but that name is still so strongly associated with the original 2001-2002 Jewel (the League controller) that it causes mental dissonance. This alternate spelling of the same sound is an attempt to reconcile this while keeping the fact that the Jewel title still MUST fit the Core.
+ We've realized that the Archivist Trio is NOT a "communicator trio." So Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha's functions are STILL OPEN apparently?? And I know "Joule" is really hoping they come back. We miss them a lot, and we need them-- Archivists can't talk to Socials like Communicators specifically do, and when that subsystem really needs to "get the memo," Shirley can't get it to them because they aren't tuned in to her level.
+ Concerning the Archivists: Shirley is the one that gives data to us on the fly, but Sirius will "comment" on it? And he's fittingly more "serious" about the data he manages. Penny gets the toughest info; she doesn't speak up much but she will give memory data out that the other two don't? Honestly the Archivists feel very unstable and unsteady still, I think since we are so lost and cut off from collective memory. I hope that as we review the Archives themselves, and possibly if/when the Communicators return, then that whole group of functioning will work properly at last.
+ Lynne had a BIG revelation today that SHE'S STILL "STABELLE" in terms of her function! She and Laurie were discussing colors, especially in light of Anxi being the first Orange Outspacer and one of the first Orange-anchored people in a long while, and Lynne said that she needed to keep the Orange color positive-- warm, welcoming, friendly, energized, and helping Anxi and any potential manic Oranges stay stable. This ALSO tied in with her SHIFTING OUT OF CERISE when she resurrected in 2008; she effectively "REDEFINED OUR FUTURE"??? She was originally born to be the "ideal female future self" that we were being forced to become socially but couldn't; HOWEVER when she was killed and then came back, she changed colors and this showed a change in what that "ideal future" MEANT-- Lynne was no longer tied to social expectations in that regard. She was lively and free and bright, more boyish almost, while still being markedly female-- she "freed" us from the Cerise-colored future of sensuality that had been inflicted on us by the family and community. Interestingly enough, that color was next picked up by a boy, saying a LOT about our psyche. But Lynne kept us stable in doing that, too-- not just by being the "person keeping Julie and Laurie from killing each other." The stability she brought was liberating, a firm footing achieved by being able to dance again, as it were. Lynne was a bright soul, effectively symbolizing "permission" to be our brightest self too and to LET GO of the inflicted expectations and dictated future. She's funny and friendly and playful and gay and we were NOT "allowed" to be those things when our future felt "cerise." The original Lynne was all about that "high life" our mother wants so badly. The new Lynne is just about getting high on life, haha. I'm kidding but not really. Orange is a beautiful color; it's alive and fiery and welcoming and warm. It's citrus fruits and sunsets and marigolds and autumn leaves. It's basketballs and goldfish and foxes and carrots and monarch butterflies and violins of course. It's absolutely gorgeous and Anxi is part of it too and SHE has a future full of more joy than she ever could have imagined now, too. So thank you Lynne, for existing exactly as you are. We love you so much.


It's almost 2am. This is "Joule," I guess. That's really not my name, although I appreciate the commentary they gave to it earlier. But they're right, the spelling doesn't fit. It's the "ou" in there. The whole thing is the wrong color and shape.
I know I'm somehow still "Jewel." Every Core is, really. But that name keeps pushing me too feminine and that feels very wrong. Still, that name is the only thing that works. Maybe I just need to "redefine" it in a sense. I just don't want to damage the original Jewel either. She's the TRUE holder of that name AS a name, not just a "title." I think that's why I feel so lost-- the "only name that fits" belongs permanently to someone else. And yet it's "still my name" too. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't feel "fully me." I know this. I don't have a clear name or face yet, and arguably my color is still undefined too. For a Core, all of that makes me the walking dead. I CANNOT exist or function in any sort of truth unless I HAVE those things.
...That's why I'm worried about Anxi. We ALL are. Whoever "met" her last November is NOT the same person who started calling her our girlfriend in May/June, who is NOT the same person who fell in love with her in October, who is NOT the same person as I am now. And yet... there's always the same heart, deep down at the golden thread, that connects all the Cores. Somehow, the capacity for love is the same. I'm just... it's become VERY clear lately that different Cores love different people and it CANNOT be "transferred" or "forced" between Cores. This is why our Spotify "people we love" playlist folder says "WE," specifically, and it's full of people whose folders keep getting deleted because people forget that past Cores DO love ALL those people, even if not all in the same way. But ALL those Outspacers and Inspacers are legitimately loved and even if we don't know "by whom" we CAN'T deny that truth. The problem? ...I... I want to be the one to love Anxi. I can't tell if I do or don't, lately, because I feel so dead. But when I look at her, something in my heart aches, and I will hold on to that like it's the end of the world. I just... the problem is that I cannot see myself. How am I supposed to love her if I can't even "imagine" my own face? How can I physically be near ANYONE if I don't know what my physical form looks like? It's agonizing. I'm miserable. Maybe I just need to get on picrew and figure this out. Not tonight, it's 2am. But... I need to take action on this. I need to find out how my hair looks, what color it is, what clothes I wear (I'm vibing with suits?? callback to Cannon's era, geez), what color those are, et cetera... all the defining features that will allow me to have a reflection in the mirror for heaven's sakes. I want to BE with people. I want to EXIST INSIDE at last. I don't even "exist" outside because no one matches this body and even though I feel "forced" to, even obligated to, it doesn't match ME. And that terrifies the thriskefoni who INSIST that "the body is our REAL self" but no. I... I'm struggling so much with that. This body's reflection has so much evil associated with it. It's a face tainted by YEARS of intense trauma. It's not my face.
God I wish Jay could just take over again but he can't. Oh he IS still alive by the way, I think that was solidly confirmed just yesterday? But he's ALIVE again, very fragile and broken and unstable but alive. Thank God. ...From what we're suspecting, this means potentially Infinitii can resurrect now, too. The two of them exist together by design. ...I don't know if I'm like that. The whole daengel phenomenon was annihilated post-CNC due to the trauma overwhelm and the unbearable risk that all daengels posed for more of the same. We lost like... eight bloody years. 2016-2023. Most of that time is totally missing, ruled by either thriskefoni, phagofoni, and/or "eratofoni"-- by religion, food, and sex. It was a living hell, honestly it was. And of course the whole thing was shot through with brutal self-abuse, because all three of those things are VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE in our history, as tragic as that is.
I can't think or talk about that right now. There's no time and the brain is shutting down access to those topics.
But we lost so much time. Even just glancing at the archives, after the "hell year" of 2015 (which was ironically shot through with beauty nevertheless), 2016 started with tons of pain and then an annihilation attempt in March which caused an almost instant HARD SHIFT to thriskefoni territory UNTIL JUNE 2017. And then it was the "CNC era" until... October? Whenever we left; it's not in the Archives yet. But then it's MORE thriskefoni rule until MIMIC SHOWED UP IN DECEMBER 2022 APPARENTLY?? Holy Shuppets WE FORGOT HE JUMPSTARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN just like Anxiety did for you!! That's a really good point... God I forgot how real I felt back then, when he first showed back up, just looking at these entries. Why was I so much more in tune then? What happened... oh. Oh dear God that's what it was. What? Jewel you need to space your replies so we know it's different people.
Okay fine then YOU just type. You were obviously going to say something heavy. Don't let me stop you.
...all right. So 2023 begins with half headspace, half bodyspace, as it were. Half inside half outside. There's tons of religious stuff and talk about the mother and family stress, at a glance. But... we were still striving, struggling to exist. And... oh God. And then Infi died.
...oh. You loved hir.
I did, whoever I was then, whoever's this heart was, we adored hir, ze was my heart, God I still miss hir so much I could weep until the end of the world right now. Right now. I could die from grief. I could cry forever.
...When did ze die?
...April 25th, and I had to hunt that entry down because apparently it wasn't tagged with 2023. It is now. But... there's another heartwrenching entry on May 2nd when Jay was no longer the Core and he was convinced he would die that same night and... God it hurts to read. it hurts so much. And... and then the bloody Jade month happened a month later and everything went to hell. We still haven't recovered from that.
...Jewel, because that's your name too, deep down, you're running away from talking about that. About Infi.
I can't. It's Jay's heart I'm feeling right now.
Why can't that be yours, too?
Because I'm not supposed to be here
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be oh my gosh is it really after 3am, I just noticed.
Yeah. I don't want to sleep.
We have to though. Life is different now, we have things to do.
Well what if I wish it wasn't? What if tonight I just want to pretend that none of that sh*t ever happened and we were still 24/7 fulltime headspace with Xanga sessions on the regular and everyone fronting all the time and handwritten notes to each other and voice recorder conversations and late nights like this EVERY night, typing, remembering, in love? Why can't THAT be my life? OUR life? Maybe it'd change me. Maybe I'd know who I was if that was the reality we were living in now. But too much has happened. Too much has happened.
...You have Anxi now. That's something good.
...I... I don't know if I'm the same person who fell in love with her--
You know you are. Somehow you have to be. Your heart is the same. See? What just happened in Spotify? You would NOT have been able to feel that if you didn't love her.
Jewel I want to sob. Why do I feel so broken and lost. I.... God I love her so much it's killing me, and I love Chaos 0 and Infinitii too and it feels like this love has lasted for a dozen eternities, it's older than I am, this love is forever, and it belongs to me and Jay and everyone in our bloodlines and I'm just the newest one, that's why Jay doesn't love her like I do, I'm the one who felt this for her first, she belongs to my heart, whoever comes after me should catch this too, I... I'm so scared that they won't.
Right now it's just you. YOU love her, NOW. That's what matters. Don't panic about the future. We don't know what'll happen but I promise you you won't forget her. Have you ever forgotten anyone?
No, but other Outspacer "loves" in the past didn't "transfer" to my heart,
Like whom? Davy and Ryou and Rorschach and the like, right?
Yeah.
Well, no one loved them like you love Anxi and Chaos 0 and Infinitii, apparently. And I can assure you of that. Those loves didn't go that deep. I don't think those Jewels could feel that much for anyone yet. And you still care about them too, I'm sure.
I do.
Well, there you go. So don't worry about Anxi. You love her now, today, and that won't ever disappear or fade away. Look at Chaos 0! I'm sure she's going to have the same future with the Cores, if what I've been hearing about you two is any indication.
...What, that she'll be permanently in the Coregroup?
Uh, yeah, obviously. And she already is??
Not literally, not technically, no. We need to work up to that. But there's a spot with her name on it. Like... laser-etched. It's already set in stone.
Haha! Good. I'm glad to hear that. That's proof that you're still you, where it counts, when it matters.
...Do you think maybe I can't "see my face" or know my own color and name because I'm just... not in tune with a truth that's already there? Like, I just need to recognize myself?
Probably. Do you think you're in my bloodline though, or Jay's?
...Why do you ask?
Because you're not a girl.
I'm not a guy either, though. And Jay is still around. ...A big part of us wants him to be the Core again.
Do you think he will be?
...I don't know. I don't know if there need to be two of us. I have no idea.
Huh. Why would we need two Cores, for the League/System split?
That's the assumption, yeah. But... there's been a lot of bleedover lately, and not in a bad way? Which is new. I... I don't know what will happen. I just... I want to know who I really am. if I'm anything or anyone.
I'm sure you are, if you can feel love like that.
...I hope so.
So hold on to that. Let that be what defines you when you try to look in a mirror. Hold on to that as the core of whoever you are, and I'm sure it'll show you your real face, and name, and color.
...oh Lord one of Infi's songs just came up on shuffle.
Are you going to listen to it?
I can't, not tonight. It'll trigger Jay out and we'll be up for another three hours.
...You can't keep shutting love down, other Jewel. That's a really bad instinct.
...yeah. it really is.
It's gonna hurt, you know. It has to. Real love always does. You can't run from that.
I don't want to. I want it to gut me for all intents and purposes. I want love to run me through like a knife to the ribs.
Are you trying to get Laurie's attention with that?
...maybe.
Too late kid, what's the deal?
...too much going on.
Head feels really bizarre. ...Is it seriously 333AM? Holy flaming swords, kiddo, you have to get to sleep. Is this what extra apples does to you?
Haha, no, I promise this has nothing to do with sugar highs. I just... I'm feeling things. A bit. I'm trying to remember.
Good things, I assume?
Yeah. the best things.
...I'd love to talk about them with you but I'm not even translating correctly. The brain's too damn tired.
Yeah, it is. But... this is a good entry.
We're still writing in the same entry from this morning? Dang, kiddo, that's impressive. Been a while since we had an entry like this.
I miss this.
I do too. You know what I also miss?
What?
You getting to bed early and talking to us, too. Me and Chaos and Genesis and...
yeah.
...sorry, kid. I felt the weight of that loss too.
Anxi soon, though. And maybe Infi too.
You don't give up on hope, huh.
Never. I still have that ring, from before the Jade month.
Yeah, I know you've been thinking about it.
I promised myself, and God really, that when Infi comes back,
"When." I like that.
I already know hir soul's not dead, Laurie.
Souls don't die, kiddo. Especially not up here.
...That's true.
But you were saying?
...When ze comes back and I can touch hir, when I can hold hir in my arms again, for the first time, when ze and I both have names and faces and colors, I... I'm going to put that ring on. For all of us. It's not just Chaos 0 this time, although I love him with my entire heart and he will always have a top-tier exclusive place in it. But it would be unjust to not recognize the rest of you, too. And I think he would agree with that.
Knowing how he loves us, too? Yeah, I think so.
...you're right, he does.
Kid, the Coregroup loves the Coregroup. That's how it works. It's always been that way and it always will be. And Anxi is no exception, when you bring her up here.
...God there is so much gravity in that line.
In what? And watch your prayer words, kid.
Thank you. But He's... God is the reason why and how I can feel this. God is this love, and if I have any real religion at all, apart from the thriskefoni, that's the heart of it. That's the truth. And His Name is the only thing that the deepest love can even hope to translate to in speech. There's a... there's the entire truth in that, too, things I could never express otherwise.
And what's the gravity that truth is giving so much weight to?
..."when you bring her up here." Like... the act of bringing. And "up here." Like... taking her home. ...God my heart is on fire. Why. Why in the world do I love her this much, it's tearing me in half and letting all the light both in and out.
Well, kid, you just said God is that love, so obviously He knows you need to feel this right now. And so does she. You both need this, trust me.
...Laurie you remember that one conversation at TBHU. In the... on the basketball court. In the sunshine.
This is what you want to live for.
And die for. And everything. This... headspace, and all of you, and this love, is why I exist, and what I want to exist for, and nights like this I actually have hope and life feels real and I can touch eternity for a moment...
Kid, you realize that when we had that conversation, you didn't even have these feelings for Anxi yet.
...oh my gosh I didn't. I hadn't fallen this hard yet.
And now, how much more is life worth living for, with her in it too?
...everything. Laurie I want to live for her, too. Deep down in my heart of hearts, at the very core of me, away and apart from all the things that try to numb me and shut me down, when I really tune into the... the center of things, and oh my gosh Spotify just threw Milliontown at me. The LIVE version.
Haha, God is REALLY trying to get your attention, kiddo!
...oh man. THIS song makes my heart WAKE UP though. This ENTIRE ALBUM makes me feel ALIVE and REAL.
You've gotta write Jem Godfrey a freakin' letter at this point. Thank the man for saving your life a hundred times over.
I'm serious. You're serious. That's a good idea. I really should.
Haha, kiddo you have got to get to sleep. Preferably before this song ends, because that's... twentyfive solid minutes of not-sleeping otherwise.
I can't skip this song Laurie.
Put it on hold, boy, it'll be 4am otherwise.
Can I at least listen to the arpeggio from heaven.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Is it an arpeggio? Oh dude is it technically a glissando? Slowed down and elaborated on?
What, that run up the scale? Kid I know less music theory than you do, all I know is that it sounds awesome.
It DOES, this entire live performance is sheer bliss, I need to see these guys live one day.
You will, kid. I'm sure you'll find a way. Pray about it.
Man I should. I should just... pray about all these things that matter to me. Lord let me see Jem Godfrey and his band live one day and let me be able to thank them for being a channel of Your grace to me in all honesty and let me be able to get a signed CD or something.
Haha, gotta include the souvenir.
It's blessed to have a tangible thing. I still have that signed CD from Mesita, the one with Creature and Firesign and Hostages on it. That album still means so much to us as a System.
It does. I'm glad you have that, kiddo.
I'm glad I'm still "kiddo" to you.
Kid, Jay, Jewel, whatever name you're going by, you will always be that to me. I know how much that means to you. What brings that up for you though?
...just, it's another thing linking all the Cores. It's a term of endearment basically. if you don't mind my calling it that.
Nah, it definitely is. It's a term of devotion, really, not just endearment. I'll protect you with my life, until the day I die.
Until the day we both die, Laurie, I refuse to let either of us go first.
Haha, you and me both. ...God knows we came too close to that in the past.
...I was just reading about that, actually.
...Really?
Yeah, just a reference, but... it reminded me of how much we've been through. How much we mean to each other. How terrifying that was, but how much love followed in its wake, against all odds.
Story of our life, kid.
It sure is. Thank God for it all.
Oh, dude, here's your glissando!
Yes!! 21:30 starts the buildup for those interested!
Dude, pay attention.
Ohhh man that is AUDITORY BLISS EVERY TIME
Hahaha!
Okay you HAVE to let me listen to this outro.
"Hands, don't fail me now!"
YES you remember!
Kid, you reference that constantly, of course I remember it. I also remember telling you to get the heck to sleep about ten-- no, apparently twenty minutes ago, what the hell.
Worth it though.
Always worth it for FROST*, kid, that's a rule.
Oh man this song makes me so happy it's unreal.
Quite the opposite, kid, this is what reality is all about, I daresay.
What, good music?
What makes it good music. The joy it brings to your heart. That smile on your face right now. The fact that this song sounds like you, as you've said before, and reminds you of who you really are.
It really does.
"Thank you so much?"
Just like John said, absolutely. Oh man. I needed that, thank you God.
You also need to freakin' sleep, kid, it's 4am. You're getting 5 hours of sleep maximum right now.
Oh shoot you're right.
Still worth it though?
Yeah, always. Always. I'd get by on two hours of sleep if it means spending time with you.
I've only been here for a half hour, kid.
Laurie, you never leave.
...Hah, that's true. I really don't.
...I should listen to your song next.
Sit down first, kid. Go to sleep with your blue guy and then if you want to listen to more music you can. But I ain't leavin' until you post this entry and get moving. It's too late to keep typing, no matter how much you want to.
I still need to color this tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" is the key word, kid. Any particular way you want to close this up? 
Actually I want to mention that I forgot to write down, remember this morning when I was at the IO2 control panel with Anxi for some reason, and I forget what led up to it but she kissed me?
I do remember that, specifically because she took the initiative when you hesitated, and then you were gone, bro.
It was... it got my heart so bad. Like I wanted to but something held me back and she just... bravely reached up and pulled me in.
And you just melted, kiddo, I saw that.
I did, it was beautiful.
I'm so glad you have that with her.
I am too.
No, really, don't underestimate the gravity of what I'm saying. You know how I am about you and Chaos 0. I'll defend you both to the death and beyond. I'll have you know I'm already dedicated to you and your orange angel the same way.
...Thank you, Laurie.
Anytime, kid. Now are you gonna mention the name of the album to my song or what?
Oh, yeah, oh my gosh, that was so unexpected.
"I Watch You Sleep." Well I do, but so does she apparently, so. *shrug*
Aha the asterisks!
Thank Waldorf for that, it never gets old. But kiddo, I can't watch you sleep unless you go to sleep, aiite? Get a move on.
Hold up, can I play the song?
Put it on, close this up, and then listen to it on the vanillamint couch over there.
Oh yeah, we didn't mention that we did the laundry and literally rubbed vanillamint chapstick into the fabric so it won't smell so much like old couch and smoke or whatever. It's a handmedown. I love my dad but not smoke.
Unless it's woodsmoke.
Well then that reminds me of dear Knife, so yes.
And incense smoke.
Oh ALWAYS. It's numinous. I love it.
We know, kiddo.
I'm glad there are some things about me that just... don't change.
Like your love.
...Yeah. Yeah, Jewel was telling me the same thing.
Good, because it's the absolute definitive truth. Now are you going to close this up on that note?
Yeah, before I get too sparkle-headed, because it's either that or poet mode and I think our psyche realizes I have to snooze so it's pushing me in the kaleidoscope direction. On another night when I have time to type and feel out the depths, moreso than tonight and trying to remember the past, then I'll type poetry. Lots of it.
I think you need to remember the past before you can get back into poet mode, kid. There's depth there you need to tap back into first.
...I do. You're right. Thank you.
And?
And I'll close this up.
Properly.
How's that?
What you said earlier, when you were away from the keyboard.
...I can't just repeat that. It needs... it has to be felt. It has to happen.
...So, put on the song.
...Nevermind Spotify just did me one better.
...Wow. You're not kidding.
"Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost.
...The post-massacre resurrection anthem, to be as blunt as possible.
Yeah. Absolutely.
...I love you too, kid.
...God, Laurie, you know I love you, and Chaos 0, and Anxi, and Genesis, and everyone else up here, dead and alive and inbetween, you all mean the universe to my heart and soul and life is worth living for all of you, always. Forever.
It's a good day with us around, huh.
It sure is. And now this song is really pulling at my heartstrings, oh my gosh I never realized the lyrics at the beginning...
Yeah, it's what you used to do to us.
I am so sorry, Laurie.
I know. We know. We forgive you.
...So the song goes both ways.
It does. I ain't leavin' you, kid, and I know you're not leaving us either, no matter how far away you might end up sometimes.
I needed to hear this.
I'm glad. God knows that too.
...This is making me deeply happy.
Is it now?
Yeah. It's... it feels like... like reconciliation. Like forgiveness. Like... like you saying, "I know," like you do. It's... "I never went away." Not just you. I didn't either.
Kid, if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
Yeah. I... I need to remember that, too.
You do need to go somewhere, though.
Bed?
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be around too.
You always are.
I watch you sleep, remember?
Haha, that you do!
I fully expect to be joined by a certain orange angel in that effort in the near future, y'know.
God willing.
Kid, I'm sure He is, don't worry about that. Oh this song is a classic, geez. Really setting the mood though.
Yeah, ancient love here. Chaos 0 days.
It really was just him back then, wasn't it?
Yeah. He started everything.
Go tell him that. Seriously. Go let him know that you can and do remember how far back and how deep down this goes into your heart.
That doesn't change, either.
No, love burns out a place for itself permanently.
I like your choice of words.
It's a fire, kid, it always is. You know that better than anyone. And it does burn, it burns out everything that isn't it.
Good. I'm really feeling that tonight.
Even more now, with this song on shuffle?
Yeah. Yeah I think I need to go to bed now. Just to hold him, if nothing else.
That's a good enough reason for me, kid. Should I close this up then, or what?
In a moment. I just want to say that the two songs were "Here in my room" and now, "Afterlife."
The live version for the latter, to remind you that you have to live. And to do this live.
In person, really there, right now.
Can't do that if you don't get off the laptop, boy!
Good point, off we go then.
Hey, hold up one second.
Yeah?
I'm singing this for you too, for the record.
...I...
I'm serious. I've died before. For you. Only ever for you. This song applies to me, too.
...Laurie, I love you, I really do.
I know, kid. That's my reason to live.
Thank you. For existing. And for loving me too.
Those are synonymous, kid.
And you say I'm the romantic one.
Hey, you are. I'm just saying facts.
Laurie, don't brush it off.
Good point. But I'm right. Those are facts, kid. And please find your name so I can call you by it, all right?
Okay. I will. Promise.
Good. Promise to get some freakin' sleep? Or do I have to drag Chaos 0 in here?
Laurie if you do that there will be legit romance, I will never get to sleep,
What about with this song?
Fathom by FROST* oh good Lord this is going to kill me, seriously I will sob if I listen to this through.
Go be with him, and feel this with him, all right? He deserves it.
That's the best motivation so far, sorry it took so long.
Nope, no apologizing, this is perfect timing, I think this song needed to happen. I can see in your eyes what it's doing to your heart.
Good. I'm glad it shows.
Seriously though. Go be with your ocean.
I will. Thanks Laurie, for being with me too.
Hey, I'm not going away, remember?
Haha, that's true. I'll see you across the room, then?
You'll see me everywhere, kid, I'm always here for you.
Good. Don't leave.
Cross my heart, I'll stand by you forever.
...
Don't lose this.
I can't. This is engraved into my heart.
As it should be.
Last song by the way. "Time out from the world."
This is a classic. Go put it in its proper context.
I will.
hey, Jewel.
oh my gosh how did you get in here
I hear Laurie trying to get you over here for the past... forty minutes?
Thank you, someone appreciates my efforts.
I'm sure he does too, Laurie, he's just... terrible at ending conversations. He always leaves the door open. Just in case there's one more word to say.
There always is, with him.
He's full of words. of poetry. I love that about him. He puts my music to notation. Whatever it's called.
Look at how he's looking at you, haha.
I love that too.
He's halfway between sparkles and... whatever the heaven that is.
Blood, probably.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know that too. His aching depths. That pronoun isn't working.
No, surprisingly. It's somewhere in the middle.
As it should be. S/he's been both.
Both/and?
Hm. More like me. Not quite either.
Makes sense.
i need to talk to you.
In words?
not this kind. sorry.
Don't apologize. There are other languages. I need to talk to you too.
Oh I like where this is going.
You should.
Hey man, I've been guarding you both since the old days, this stuff is a sign that his/her heart's coming back online in a real way. I need that as much as you do. We all do.
Did you mention what song is playing?
No. "My Mind Is A Mess In The Morning." Nick Leng. This song means a lot to you both, doesn't it.
He heard it one night when driving home and immediately thought of me. So yes. But it's in your playlist, too.
And Genesis's, apparently. And Anxi's, hey.
I can't wait until she comes up here.
Until the Core-kid over there brings her up here, to be specific. Said that wording really caught the essence of it.
Hm. It does. It's never just a following up, really. It's together. But carrying is really close.
Yeah. It's unusual for him/her/ whatever, kid what are we calling you.
um. xe maybe. let's try that. i'll find something. right now i i'm not thinking about pronouns much
What are you thinking of, love?
oh THAT WORD is all that's on my mind now it's been so too long since you spoke to me like that
It has been.
You two need to have a conversation.
We do. Jewel, get over here.
Kid, I'm putting this song on, now you have to go.
Please.
i'm so sorry. i'm not entirely myself yet.
We can fix that together.
oh it's the english version
Yeah, and there's your name.
...oh man the lyrics hit harder than ever tonight
Come back to me.
and stay by my side
...
moments like this are what I live for laurie. and chaos. both of you. i love you.
We love you too, Jewel.
...
Man you are saying that with your eyes, I can see that.
I always am.
Somehow I'm not surprised. Hope you realize the same goes for xir, too. Even on the rough nights. Maybe especially then.
...
You know that, too.
...Jewel.
yeah
I mean it.
...So do I. All right. I'm closing this up and going to sleep.
Not for a few minutes yet at least.
Yeah, there's a conversation that needs to happen. Not this one.
Still a continuation of it, though.
...I guess it is. Good point.
So. Chaos, would you do the honors of finally closing up this bloody huge entry?
This is still one entry?
Yeah.
Wow. It's been a while.
Hey, next time xe's up this late, I'm pushing for a Xanga. This is one step away from one already, so hey.
I'd like that.
I know what you'd like more than that, man.
*pointedly looks across the room*
Haha, kid you've got asterisks to deal with now, you'd better get moving.
I'll force his hand. There's a button I can click.
Please do, before we lose this.
thank you
Hey, that's what we're here for, kid. Helping you do what you can't.
Together.
Always.
Oh hey, here's one of yours.
"Into the flood." Yeah.
Kid, I am going to turn that into a very pointed pun and throw it at you.
no wait the lyrics don't work for this, that one aches too much in the other way, let's do this one.
Creature?
Oh man we were just referencing this.
Really?
Yeah. Specifically this album.
This... this is a good decision.
so are you.
...
three two one, post this?
Finally, let's do this.
glad to see i'm still terrible at concluding these talks
You need sleep, you idiot.
You can't go on like this.
Hey, they need more than some sleep, man.
Still... you just gotta let it go.
You heard the blue guy, kid, let's move.
all right. and do this lyric instead.
Which one?
keep on coming undone. i need that. i think if i let this love unravel me it's exactly what i need to find myself at the core
...I think I know how to get you there.
you don't "think" you know, love, I know you know. and vice versa, i'm sure.
...yeah. you do. you really do. please don't forget that. ever.
Okay you have both abandoned capslock, I am closing this up, see you invisible audience whenever.
laurie that is so sudden
Kid it's been over an hour are you kidding me.
is the sun coming up yet
You know what? That's my lyric.
oh
oh man laurie are you serious
Maybe I am. Only one way to find out.
laurie that is the worst cliffhanger
Nah, it's the best one.

 

1230. saturday.

today lasted like... five years, what the heck
i apologize for this mess of an entry as a result but it really was ALL ONE DAY

morning run. YES THAT WAS TODAY.
830AM NOTES on that =

Sunrise, pink and cold and beautiful.
Genesis running alongside us at first, making sure we were ok.
Talking to Laurie, lucky penny comment. Then FOUND one
Food lion. Her whistling for attention at reduced rack, check our focus.
Got called SIR on the way out!
Had a dollar left, went to gas station
Penny in lot
Decided we wanted a TAMALE
Sweet old dude paid for it for us!
So we got Wreckage a DONUT
Walking home: "Ahrima?" Laurie, Wreckage, Jeremiah, Maverick
Minty seeing the rocker bunny on the track, torn
Church & breakfast plans. Mav & Wrex talking colors. Echo Lalia there too, no voice of her own readily?
So so happy.
NEED to do this regularly.


-------------------------------------

THIS EVENING =

eating trouble.
we made two omelettes for dinner, and then a night meal, BUT. we realized the trouble here.
1. still seeing food as art. didn't WANT to make two. but DID want to MAKE SOMETHING.
2. so many different people fronting.

we think "taureia" is the name of that DAEMON???
tied to the girl who ONLY comes out to binge in order to purge; triggered by fear. she's a failsafe???

versus rupture.


Blue girl = COMPULSION W/ fam expectations??
Food, grandkids, etc. PANICKED obedience, forced, utter denial of any self-honesty


noticed today, the girl angry at murphy is NOT the angry brown jess OR triple
she's MENTIONED IN 2015 i think.

"i'm not a good nousfoni"


-------------------------------------------

AMOR ET SACRIFICIUM = ribbons!!!!!!
SELF LUMINOUS

Formshift cores, like jewels. EXPLORE.
Apprenticeship, heartspace, leaguespace, outspace
OUR "NEODYMIUM"

"SXUALITY" COLORS. from old entries. different vibes & applications, never explained.
black, red, pink, Cerise. ORANGE?
FEEL OUT AND DESCRIBE

HEART TOUCHES ARE SAFE AND HOLY AGAIN!!!
(YOU NOT DISCONNECTED)


-------------------------------------------------

the heaviest thing today = talking about sxuallity with the arrows, on messenger.
our moral stance + daemons + trauma, and their innocent human painless experience.
both of us discussing childhood with this.

trigger warning for discussion of sexual topics, including abuse/trauma



what we remember offhand:


Childhood= baths with brother, anatomy difference. Naturally fascinated by difference, parents would NOT talk about this. Passively treated us like a threat to them.
We were weirdly obsessed for a while? Bizarrely, NO conception of our own bodies femaleness? Not sure why.
Obsessed with this???

Childlike gender thoughts: girls wore pink ribbons or had eyelashes, boys didn't.

When did the Julie trauma start?
It has SUPER EARLY ROOTS.

First direct instance: in that godforsaken bathroom, age 12, 13? Feel SO young, but not a child. Remembering, with great fear, hearing Someone talking about how "sex is the best feeling" or something? Praising it as this sublime thing. Terrified, tentatively touched our body there. Immediate sensation shocked and shook us. Nearly cried from this "betrayal," quickly reclothed, thinking "how could Anyone want That," tore door open and immediately memory blacks out. I assume we hid in our room and shook and cried, felt existentially wrecked. No idea Who holds that, but I know they exist.

No clear memory of When Julie started, but l Clear memory of Fearing her. Leaving 6th grade classroom, mentally JEWEL, dreamspace situation to cope with/ feel & reason out fearful situation possibilities. Imagining being in some public place like a restaurant or bar, but in a side hall where we couldn't be seen, felt isolated and trapped? Cerise intimate vibe but Corrupt. Guys AND girls (ratio??) trying to "get with us." NOTABLE ABUSIVE MANNERISMS. We had NO conception of healthy flirting OR relationships? Literally EVERYONE in those imaginings saw us as an object. "You're pretty, I want to have sex with you, then never see each other again." But that sex was Also Going to be traumatic. THEREFORE, JULIE WOULD SWITCH OUT. Literally. Our BIGGEST FEAR at that age was someone Actually hitting on us, our panicked terror making us Shut Down, and Julie being triggered out to "fight fire with fire." (That feels weirdly tied to our family teachings? Think on this.) So she'd play along, lasciviously flirting right back, and then when they inevitably ended up in bed, she'd Destroy them. Instead of them using us, she'd use Them, and then some. Our brain Never wanted to, or could, imagine what would happen To that victim afterwards. That, too, speaks volumes as to Julie's mindset-- AND OURS-- back then: there Was no after. If We had just experienced that, we'd be dead. So we/Julie both, for different reasons, failed to comprehend the very idea of After. But she took it in that there were no lasting consequences to what she did... because of dissociation. That's how WE worked. So we projected. But even then, we Knew that it was wrong, and it WOULD continue in the physical, albeit almost incredulously. (We struggled to imagine Time after rape.) And the thought of that made us avoid any and all sexual threats.

 

(left unfinished. this is too disturbing to talk about anymore)

(completely uncensored, brutally triggering & disturbing entry. please be careful.)

 

So Cupid was out tonight, with his red lights, as he was back in 2011 or whenever.
Remember he was the original "Eros" and holds the "public associations" with that name.

He's highly sexual but he's incapable of lust which is interesting but still problematic, because he doesn't understand how anyone could say no to it as a result.
He's not abusive. But he counts as a lost hacker because his passive coercion is EXACTLY what shoved us into abuse WAY too many times physically, and so even if he "means well" he is absolutely disrespecting the choices of others, and THAT STILL COUNTS AS ABUSE IN MY BOOK.

…that's another thing we need to speak up about. It's another thing we (I?) hated old friends for, if I may be so blunt. Ignorance of boundaries, of "safe space," or things within those lines… because we never spoke up about it out of fear that "we had no right to HAVE objections to anyone else's behavior if they meant well."BULL SHIT.
So miss blank-smiley-face comes out, numb to the hysterical panic she always comes out to muffle, just trying to keep a socially acceptable front while inside we're weeping and the kids are screaming and in the past, we never said a fucking word.
Now Wreckage comes out. Now she fights. Now people are too damn angry with our own past self-neglect and we're refusing to stomp on those gut feelings when they come up.
But… but it's only in negative situations, yet. That's progress, but… but they can still lie, and THAT'S when we get scared and confused.
Cupid comes out, and he's all gentle and solid and loving and giving, BUT he doesn't understand rejection and so he can't understand when people say NO to him.
Chaos always does. Celebi always does. They're the only two he really asks now… I know there were two others in the past, but… one is dead and the other doesn't exist in headspace.
…Cupid was born to try and reconcile our stupidly passionate ardor towards everything with the constant outside social demand that "it HAS to be sexual!!! if you love something that potently it HAS to be sexual!!!!" or even WORSE, even WORSE, and that's the source of so much hatred it's nauseating-- even worse, we get the message that "if you love someone that intimately, it has to be lust."
bull. fucking. shit.
Cupid was at least proof that it isn't.
…But he's also the fear that we still only have that option of expression, something that doesn't even fit, something that doesn't even fucking WORK and even HE dissociates from it!!!!!! What the hell does THAT tell you????!!?

…The sheer amount of symptoms we get from this shit is bad enough.
muscle twitches, headaches, nausea, unease, sorrow/ guilt/ fear, dizziness, clumsiness, body weakness, sweating, anxiety, compulsive crying, chills… the list goes on.
every. damn. TIME.
WHY THE HELL DOES THIS DATA NOT REACH THE CULPRITS????????


I'm sorry. I'm just… channeling all the anger for this shit. "That's my job" and all that. I'm just a mouthpiece for the rage. I have no knowledge of this firsthand and I DON'T WANT IT.


Anyway. As a result I can't talk much about Cupid's experience of all this other than the knowledge that he's terribly lost and confused now that he CAN'T stay half-ignorant and depersonalized, now that people are REFUSING TO LET HIM COERCE THEM. Now Cupid is forced to really look at what the hell he's attempting and WHY people keep refusing to do it, "even though he loves them," and "even though they love him."
That's Cupid's curse. He was born from the false, false, FALSE message delivered with good intentions-- and God help us with that-- telling us that "if you really love someone, if you completely love someone, you have to do that with them, no matter what, eventually."
That's where all the fear-based love-based forcing came from. Isn't that a conundrum?
"I love you so they say we have to do this but I don't like it and it hurts and I'm terrified and no matter how many times I try it never ever EVER works… but I love you and I'm so scared that if I don't do this then my love's not real, it's not complete, it's not complete, even if this feels like shredding me into pieces."

it's bullshit.

Laurie doesn't like us stealing her phrase but now she looks really worried, she's upset that we need that phrase to describe what we're talking about,

she says she's trying to keep her distance from this actual discussion. Says she's a protector, a knight, someone who saves the lost and hurt, not someone who digs through this dirt. Other people can do that job. Laurie would die if she looked at this head-on.
I'm afraid she's been trying too much already, out of fear, out of panic, feeling she's not doing enough, feeling there has to be something more she can do to save people… she's trying too hard, numbing too much out, hurting too badly, and she's slipping REALLY badly and if she's not careful she's going to end up dying, killing herself from the effort. She's already splintering just to cope. That's gotta stop.


…
Tomorrow is therapy. I wonder if we can get someone out to talk about this.
I don't mean the hacks, she knows enough about them.
I mean the roots of WHY they keep happening, the roots even beneath the misleading outside words, the roots that unintentionally feed the fears that bear fruits of self-annihilation and sacrifice "for someone's better good."
even for cupid. it's always that motivation. "they said this could be an expression of love,"
was I ever? did it ever work?
the one time you tried harder than ever, the first damn time you EVER decided to risk every fucking thing JUST to heal this, for the sake of love, for the sake of God and healing and peace,
guess what,
you almost fucking killed yourself.
the pain, the regret, the guilt, the shame, was unbearable,
and why?
because it didn't live up to their fucking promises AT ALL.

and you hated yourself for having ever believed that bullshit,
once you experienced firsthand how inadequate it all was.

yeah, you tried. we all know cupid tried WAY too hard that year, to fix things.
we all know that even after the reset, infinitii was born to keep trying too hard from a different perspective.
there was never any lust in it. there was always too much love in it.
but the problem was that in every single case you forgot you had a body.
it only ever worked on paper.
it only ever worked as a concept.
do you realize this? do you understand this, cupid? jacinth? all you other lost 'hackers?'
do you realize what it means for that term to be applied to you?
"but we're not hacking anyone," he pleads, "but we're not hurting anyone,"
you are.
"but I didn't mean to,"
but you did.
"how? it's not supposed to hurt!"
have you ever fucking felt it yourself?
LOOK at your damn memories!! actually FEEL what the damn BODY is doing for once, get out of your idealized head and FEEL what the hell you're ACTUALLY DOING.
…and he shuts up.
shuts it out.
talk to me, damn it.
(now laurie's watching over my shoulder.)
Kid, talk.
…about what?
About this. Whatever she asked you. Do you realize what you were doing?
…I didn't want to do that.
Uh-huh, and there it is. Well guess what? You did. Can you fucking cope with that?
No.
Now we're blacking out, shit. Overload, get your ass back in here, he's gone.

…What did you do?
Asked him if he realized what he was really doing, which required cognizance of the body. Guess what? Instant fucking dissociation. Can't cope. It's like that with all of them, God damn it, NONE of them can front in the body, not ever, and then they wonder why the hell we're getting trauma flashbacks? Why the hell they're actually perpetuating trauma and don't realize it?
How don't they even realize that they're in the body?
Because they're not. They're totally outside of it, detached from it completely. For Eros, this… wait, no. Eros broke off of that shit. Cupid's the one we're talking about. …
…He's dead, isn't he.
Eros? …Yeah, temporarily. Jay said he won't come back until we fix this, he refuses to get dragged into it again. …Good for him.
…So what's Cupid doing that's perpetuating this?
You said it yourself, kid, he's forgetting that the… whatever the hell he's doing, this drive to "merge" with people or whatever, to express "sensual love" or however it translates for him--
That's the wrong term, it's not 'sensual.'
Yeah, I got that, but it's… close enough? Shit, that's a problem right there, it's going to translate wrong and fuck everything up if we don't find a better word.
Can you define it?...
Me? Fuck no, I-- Sherlock, get in here, define that shit.
Me?
Can you get the data?
I-- let me see. …It's the merge drive, Laurie, just like you said.
Shit.
And it only translates for humans-- average humans-- in a physical context. In a literal sense.
And they told him it "has" to be that way, right?
Right, for religious purposes. You're as well aware of the amount of spiritual research that has gone into this topic as I am, Laurie.
…Yeah, no shit. Too damn much.
Too much indeed, I agree. …Laurie, the head is slipping very badly, do you need anything else from me?
Nah, not until we get our shit together is all. Maybe then we will, maybe then we won't even be talking. But shit, this is why we can't talk about this topic to the therapist, because the brain immediately shuts down.
It can't cope either, Laurie.
…Yeah, I got that. The only people who can semi-cope with this topic are Eros and Cupid and maybe Jay and Infinitii and-- I don't know. But they're all on the wrong fucking topic because the very core of this problem is MISTRANSLATION and… shit.
…?
…We've gotta talk about this with the therapist.
Which part?
The part about… about Jay contributing to this? That's what it keeps pointing to.
What, Jay and Infinitii?
Almost. His splinters, maybe. Adakias? Is that the one?
Who's like Cupid? Maybe, I don't fucking know.
How is he like Cupid?
Well, how else would he fit into this damn topic?
No, I… he's different, I don't know. I can't get this data and my head is fuzzy and breaking and it feels awful and I'm going to scream if I'm not careful.
Then don't, kid, don't stick around if we're getting bad. I might just have to turn this into a data stream and type, running it through people sure as hell isn't working, we can't manage this topic as conversation.



The main concern with mistranslation currently, the roots we previously mentioned, are the religious/spiritual motivation behind sexuality/sensuality/ what have you.
Jay holds this the most, shockingly, because he has no inclination towards anything even vaguely sexual or sensual, at least not in his purest form. He does splinter somewhat, to sharper prismed forms, and his most common one is the one which he takes when he interacts with daemons. This is a common side of Jay-- the one that gets confused more than anyone else, arguably, but secondhandedly.
This splinter of Jay, which has no name of its own because it's so close to his true self, is terrifically "sensual" but not in a sensual way? Hence the mistranslation. "Sensuality" for us is cerise in color, all curves and velvet and low lights, warm and soft but deep and NO sharpness anywhere, which sexuality has. Sexuality is neon pink and orange and it's too sharp, like hot needles, and it hurts and it's tangled and fast like static in the head, all noise and confusion, and no one likes it because it turns your consciousness off and just gives you headaches and sickness.
Anyway. Jay's daemon-state disposition is not either of those things.

Let's categorize a little, for the sake of clarity.
Jay is into spiritual cardiophagy and melting/ shifting of form, all very "teeth sinking into cloud" feeling, very precise and intimate and deep but thick as far as sensation data goes? It's all sparkle-white in color, that or deep black, but still with iridescence in it. (The whole legit heart-connection core feeling has that sparkly rainbow color to it.) But it's the exact opposite of density; it's all so light and floaty and unbearably clear at times, like a spotlight shining through glass. Like a prism, fittingly.
Eros is a lighter Cerise than the one "sensuality" is defined as, something clearer like saturated glass. He's tied to close platonic intimacy, the kind that most people would never define as "platonic" solely because of how close it is, but there is NO romance or romantic overtones to his vibe. This seems ironic because Eros loves the aesthetic of "romantic" environments although he takes that motivation out of them entirely. He's similar to Jay in that he loves everything but Jay's love is more sparkly and crystalline, whereas Eros's is deeper and richer. It's very hard to put into words. Neither of them deal with sensual things in the way it is traditionally defined, though. No touching, no flirting, no romance. None at all.
Cupid is the darker richer cerise we described earlier, 100%. He resonates most strongly with Christmas lights and plush robes and blankets. He almost always only comes out in the winter. He's highly dangerous because he still uses sexuality BUT he's actually ignorant of what sex actually is, using it only as an "applied concept" that "matches what he feels," except it doesn't actually and that's slowly starting to sink in with him, again due to him being forced to be aware of his actions and mostly-programmed motivations.
Jacinth is tied to sexuality, not sensuality, because everything she feels hurts and she's almost always depersonalized to terrible extremes. She exists to sacrifice herself for the "ideal lie" that was sold to her, to sell herself to those she views as innocent and loving and pure enough to be sacrificed to, but she annihilates all self-awareness in the process and focuses only on those girls.
Azalea is pure sexuality in an introjected sense, the "girls act like this" terrifying shit that somehow got into our psyche, the homogenous teenage-girl aesthetic and behavior that we only ever associated with sexual abuse. She is that, more explicitly and horrifyingly than anyone else in the System.
Anna is adult female sexuality in the "passive" sense, which scares us to DEATH and we can't even think about her. She's the "receptive woman" stereotype but she's purely toxic and terrifying and Simeon is scared to death of her because she's just like the other one.
Sharona is adult female sexuality in the "dominant woman" stereotype which means that she will make you sleep with her because "she likes it" or some bullshit. She's the internalized toxic edge of the "a real woman is sexually independent and ferocious" crap we've heard in pieces but the problem is, inside she also holds the introjection of past teachings, which means she's focused on making our children allosexual because "that'll make you a REAL man/woman" or whatever the hell.
Jezebel torments us by spitting sexual innuendo and phrases and accusations all the time, but the more we talk to her the more we realize she doesn't give a shit about that stuff. The real Jezebel, the one rooted into Black, actually isn't sexual at all and just uses that crap to torture others.
Jessica is sexual in the way the family and public always wanted her to be, "enjoying" it however the hell she does, but one weird thing about her data is that she has no interest in other people. She's entirely autosexual. She's attracted to herself and honestly doesn't give a shit about anyone else. Which is disturbing and bizarre but true.
There's another "Jezebel" that's Brown and has the short spiky hair, and she's also autosexual but she's the one who is, for lack of a better term, a slut. She's hypersexual and disgustingly promiscuous and she treats our body like a toy. She's THE MOST DANGEROUS HACKER IN THE SYSTEM because she has no conscience and cannot be reasoned with.

Those are all the main people tied to this, for good and for ill.


As for all the other hackers, lost and otherwise… you know what, let me type about that too, because we never have and the therapist could use this data.
Going from the System List on this blog…

Bridget and Missy haven't been out for a very very long time, and are possibly dead. They only ever worked as accomplices to Julie when she was corrupted, essentially "holding her victims down" while she did whatever. The two never individually acted as hackers, only ever as a group.
"The stripper" rarely ever appears but she's an adult woman in the same vein as Anna and Sharona. Her color is Red and she has a very one-track mind, performing lascivious acts for an "audience," and surprisingly never really "into it" herself if that makes sense? I don't understand sexual motivations or thoughts, maybe she has those, but there's no emotional ties or actual feelings. She's just performing, for the sake of riling people up, and objectifying herself. She has no real sense of self either; as far as she's concerned she exists solely to dance on a pole as lewdly as possible until her job is done. Then she stops existing.
"The Lesbian" only ever came out on the porch in the past, during the summers, and she was an absolute introject of the "chubby Tumblr lesbian" aesthetic that we kept getting shoved down our throats in the name of "sexual freedom" or whatever the hell it was. (No offense to those people and their lives; we're just furious that we introjected it as "you were born with a female body and part of you was semi-attracted to women so you have no other choice but to be like THIS.") Anyway we think she only existed to try and "mimic" those people, so she had shallow roots and only ever came out in the wake of other hackers like Jessica and Jezebel.
Jasmine is HOPEFULLY DEAD because she was terrifying. She was an introject of the "pagan sexuality" thing we had shoved on us by both our mother and the internet, the whole idea of "born female = inherently sexual" fused with "nature is female and therefore inherently sexual" (again, no idea where this came from or how mangled it got), and that all mutated into a very ugly mindset of "nature itself requires that you offer yourself up to it sexually as a woman" and the real killer was that this was done with a SMILE. that was the curse of the spiritual aspect, the sick good-girl flat willingness to "do whatever God wanted" (which Christina personifies), which here basically turned into Jasmine existing to do nothing but sexualize both nature and herself. She was HORRIBLY DANGEROUS because she kept trying to convert people and I'm not sure but she MIGHT have actually hacked someone personally??? I don't know but either way she's gone, for now at least and hopefully forever. She only ever comes out in the summer so we'll need to put up heavy safeguards until then just in case.

The Tar and Plague don't actually ever hack people in and of themselves; they're raw congealed negative energy and it's only when they work through an alter or headvoice that problems and danger happen.
By itself, the Tar is just maniacal rage and destruction and screaming, and it will torment everyone just to torment them. It lives to destroy things wantonly, to attack physically and without conscience.
By itself, the Plague is calcified apathy and pride and hate, and it attacks people more through words and lies, through psychological manipulation. It will lead you to hell and then just strand you there.

Cleaver has nothing to do with sexuality. They rarely ever appear at all, but as far as we're aware they're the lingering split from Razor (her sister, technically) that still likes cutting meat in a very dangerous sense. They are the outlet for childlike single-minded sheer red violence. No mania, no fury, just a sort of slasher-smile obsession with sinking knife blades into people's backs.
The "child" is actually "the pedophile" but she's so disturbingly bizarre that we don't like talking about her. She is a personification of our own collective experience of being sexually objectified in our childhood, thank God never explicitly, but it was often and clear enough to leave scars. She's also badly lost because, being inherently tied to childhood, she holds SOME VERY IMPORTANT ROOTS of our being wrongfully taught that our desperate young needs for intimacy and closeness and affection were sexual, because we couldn't get any of those things in non-sexual contexts, which is heartbreaking and disgusting but it's what she holds, and it's why she can only comprehend sexuality in a childhood context. For her, adults are "scary and smelly and disgusting" and she appears incapable of even comprehending adults, let alone adulthood itself. For her, sexuality IS those childhood drives, except wrongfully applied to literal sex, and as a result she doesn't understand adult sexuality either. So although she does pursue sexuality in a way too young age group-- remember, for us, even teenage girls were viewed as abusers (thanks to Julie's original self) and so the only "safe" people were 13 or younger… the same age as we were when this happened. But the bottom line with this girl is that in the end she's only ever looking for fulfillment of a need so intense and unfulfilled, a need to just be close to another human being, to EXPRESS love and affection for once in our life, to feel wanted and loved… but in her experience, in our experience, the closest facsimile we got to any of that was through sexuality, through Julie, before we even hit high school. So it's a wreck. She's very very complicated but very very important because of all this shit tangled up in her existence.
The Androgyne is someone that only ever interacted with Laurie, and their role was similar to Jacinth's in that they existed for self-sacrifice, but they had a sense of self (which Jacinth does not) and THEIR motivation was a spiritual teaching that bored into our head-- essentially, "when you have sex with someone, your energies temporarily fuse. so don't have sex with anyone you don’t want to become." and this kid, who took the "androgyne" name and manifestation both because that was the "spiritual ideal" and they couldn't imagine being anything else, took that teaching to heart in reverse, and was born from the mindset of "I should only have sex with people I want to become." take this and apply it to a damaged, ruined, battered sense of self and suddenly it becomes obligatory, desperate: "I need to have sex with good people so that I become like them." there was no lust in it at all, just a sort of driving hopeless mission, a last-ditch effort to heal in a totally twisted way, through destruction of one's own self and the absorption of someone else's. literally, the androgyne's motivation was to stop existing and become someone else, someone GOOD. so at the most basic level, all they wanted was to die, for their ugly tortured past to die with them, and for someone they chose as utterly perfect to take over their life instead, therefore "redeeming them." it's impossible and a broken assumption, but this kid never considered that.
"The Scientist" is another deadly fronter who, admittedly, may be one of my splinters. I'm the one who types about sheer data, like this. I'm related to Sherlock but I'm faceless so I don't have that getting in the way of my impersonal deliverance of facts. The Scientist, on the other hand, is me broken into a "testing" phase, a mindset of "gathering every bit of data we can about this," which apparently results in hacks? I am not responsible for them and actually find it difficult to find data on it, possibly due to my ties to it, so this is preventing me getting infected. The bottom line is, The Scientist has no sense of right or wrong, only of observation and testing of hypotheses, and they have been responsible for several "flat hacks" solely for the sake of "figuring out what is actually happening here." Such 'testing' is unnecessary and cruel and even thinking about such behavior is making me nauseous, I'm sorry.
"Fogbank" is the infamous "flat fronter" who has a vibe and appearance shockingly similar to Ashen, which in a way is not surprising. She exists solely to depersonalize. She is ruled by a dense apathy forged through crushing depression and the inability to cope with reality, so she is incapable of actually feeling any emotion. She comes out whenever the situation gets too dire, and the brain needs to "shut down," or at least prevent anyone from fronting or talking that would "make the pain/ fear/ panic/ shame/ etc. worse." As the experiences that created her were exactly of that format, she automatically is summoned to prevent them from ever happening again. She has INCREDIBLY POWERFUL FRONTING RIGHTS and she is almost impossible to switch out-- the only way to bypass her is to completely check out of awareness, effectively doing a "soft reset" of consciousness by removing everyone from fronting and withdrawing all consciousness from the body. This allows us to re-enter awareness with enough forgetfulness of the previous situation and/or a stable enough fronter to prevent Fogbank from being triggered again immediately.
"Lace Braids" is another very rare fronter, who nevertheless was out enough times to merit mention. She was a passive abuse receiver, one who only ever appeared in "morning hacks," due to fitting the "innocent good girl" aesthetic that the early morning dizziness/ vulnerability matched well enough. Again, her existence is a huge red flag because she's about fourteen at most, wearing two brown braids and wearing a lacy one-piece summer dress, something like a long camisole. She is sexualized innocence as an alter, and the fact that she exists in a half-asleep state is EXTREMELY upsetting because she therefore exists just to take what's forced on her with a gauzy smile, running on programmed emotions, feeling the way she was told to feel and believing it entirely, because she doesn't have a sense of self to compare against it. She doesn't have the capacity to question her situation because she's not entirely conscious SO SHE CAN SURVIVE IT.
Moxie is a damaged child and she is NOT a hacker but a victim. Unlike David, Marigold, and Simeon, Moxie has actually felt abuse and, as usual (an awful phrase), it's been at the hands of adult female hackers, who manipulated her into thinking that "this is what mommy does when she loves you" and where the HELL did we introject that from,
the bottom line is, she's like ten or eleven, we see this same forced childhood sexuality in the leagueworlds now because this damaged part of our psyche doesn't know how else to think and THAT is something we need to tell the therapist about, tomorrow.
Ashen is the last one. She's about 14, tops. She took all the Julie abuse, that we can tell. She was the first one to be explicitly ravaged in that sense and it shattered her absolutely, and deep down, that part of our psyche, that young part that became her broken heart, never ever healed.
She's convinced that's she's broken forever, totally and hopelessly and in such a way that she's worthless, and that agonizing despair paved the way for so much self abuse, especially the non-sexual self-loathing alters like the indigo Jessica and all the eating-disorder people and all that… it's a mess.
But Ashen took the worst of it, more than anyone. She suffered this before it made any sense, before we even attempted to cope, before we started to splinter and split and further introject abusers in desperate mangled attempts to survive. Ashen was the first, and she has more scars than anyone.



so tomorrow's topic is.
start healing the childhood-sexualization that we experienced and perpetuated through confusion and sadness and fear, and
figure out what the heck to do with this stuff cupid keeps perpetuating, which is an offshoot of the above topic, but applied to adulthood now that people like jay experience real dedicated love with SUCH passion behind it that everyone outside tells us it has to be sexual, or even worse that it MUST be sexual for RELIGIOUS reasons,
religion and sexuality are fused in our headspace, have we ever told her that before?
that’s one hell of an interesting but heartbreakingly frustrating topic, it's what jay is tied to intimately, it's something that's still dear to our hearts despite terrifying us and confusing us and we WANT to talk about it but there are no words for it and the words people are giving us are WRONG.

there's that statue of saint teresa though, the one right on our alternate blog, and it's EXACTLY what goes on in heart connections, jay says he knows exactly what that is like,
that's what this is about, that's what we need,
but it's metaphysical.

and all these poor children are just looking for something here on earth and they're not getting it but they're being lied to and they're so damn trusting they figure that's better than nothing I guess.


god this is awful.
but at least we made some progress in knowledge today.


now if you'll excuse us. we have to get up early tomorrow, and we're so tired from today that we're falling asleep standing up, so good night.

 

 

 

 

 

dec 27


system frantically triyng to find a soolid frnoter I think.
gold/white overlay in church


later, w/ laurie=
"wait a second-- are you blasting silent night to drown out everything else?"
"yes"
"that's fantastically ironic"



brother condemning us for being a transman again
he believes all masculinity is toxic and that we're trying to poison him to death by bringing T into the hosue etc. etc.
it hurts, it brings up the suicidal feeling everyt ime he says it



not sure what to do today.





fought of hackers for three hellish hours this evening
which ticks me off because they don’t even have STRENGTH
they have literally NO LEVERAGE
nothng but brute force.
damn it.
I don’t even think they can convince the lost ones anymore. there's been too much growth, too much awareness, too much learning, too much conversation.
we need to drag a few lost ones into xangas and see if they can stick around.


rereading lots of our tumblr archives. it's helping with motivation and re-tuning a lot.

 

 

 

- maybe ALL the hackers are like julie?
the one acts JUST LIKE SHE DID originally.
headvoices are never created "evil" so to speak, just like humans.
the TAR is evil. it possesses people.
julie was created as a waste-lock for all that shit. it was never HER. she just could never exist as an individual in her own right until it was taken out of her.
maybe it's the same thing for these new hackers.

that's why laurie is super-hesitant to even hurt, let alone kill, these new hackers who are more "lost" or "damaged" than anything. yes the worst ones are still purely malicious. but most of them are just devastatingly confused or misled. and laurie remembers julie, she cares about her so much, she doesn't want to take away that chance of redemption from these people who are probably suffering just as much as her friend did in that same state.
I don't blame her. but it's heartwrenching that we're still paying in blood for their sins, whether or not they realize they're sinning or not, so to speak.



- mirrors cause instant dissociation/depersonalization and pave the way for severe hacks because, looking in one immediately puts a rift between the self and the body, viewing it as something "other," to be objectified.

- one of the worst hackers is triggered whenever we look at the body.
if she sees our hands, or legs, or stomach, or anything, her immediate thought is "mm how sexy" and she tries to rape us.
she is the MOST DANGEROUS HACKER IN THE SYSTEM because she views our body as inherently lustful and that's disgusting and terrifying.

- the WORST eating alters are AWARE of what their horrible habits do to the body BUT THEY REFUSE TO FACE THOSE CONSEQUENCES.
we literally told the one girl who binges on oats and shit that "when you eat that, the body gets horribly ill and we have to purge" to which the response was "I don't have to purge anything." no matter what her mindset was "I never get sick. I eat what I want and I enjoy it. if something happens later, that's your problem."
literally if the body starts to get sick while she's fronting she will IMMEDIATELY LEAVE and leave us to clean up her hideous mess.

- there may be two eating alters for that purpose: the one super-hyper red who is "toxically optimistic," laughing and guffawing at everything, and who also eats like a pig. however the one who says "I never have to purge" is a "who the heck cares?" sort of scraped-out alter, but in a proud way, not an empty way. I don't know what their relation is. they feel like two halves of one alter.


- now that we've discovered the "watcher" problem, that's why the worst hackers think they are the cores. if we're talking upstairs, or typing like we are now, and one of them starts watching, their mindset is "look at this fake shit. it's not real because I'M the watcher. I'M the only real one. I am GOD." which is horrifying but it's exactly what those girls think. (and yes they are ALWAYS ONLY GIRLS)
but when we catch them now we can step in instead, actually consciously acting instead of just 'watching.'
we may be able to use this to our advantage in therapy now. if these girls ARE "corrupted gatekeepers" simply because of their god-complex, then if we override that through awareness of what they're doing, we can talk past their numbing-block.
for example. yesterday's sudden xanga, the angry alter started swearing at the worst watcher-hacker because she kept saying we were fake BUT also clarified that "you can't move the body, can you??"
that is EXACTLY WHAT JULIE USED TO DO TO US. that is why we always thought we were possessed, because she would force us into a "watcher" role and take over the body. it's literally abusive co-fronting.
the current hackers don't do this solely because they won't want anyone knowing what they do, so they kick everyone else out and use their "watcher authority" to block all awareness out so they can screw around with the body or other people or anything.
but we're learning. we're able to break through and watch them now at least. although that is terrifying and we do NOT want to do it, it's at least a step towards stopping them. if we can get into the skull, then maybe we can interrupt them mentally, maybe we can get enough people in there to smother the hacker influence and force awareness upstairs, therefore stopping the hacker (we hope)… but the point is, the skull is one step away from the body. we can spontaneously get into the body during a hack and stop everything but it's a very clumsy state and we can easily get shoved out again, because the body is dizzy and sick and discombobulated, like trying to walk under anesthesia.
that's the hardest thing to get through because you can't anchor into something that miasmatic, let alone something that swamped with evil intentions and fogbank apathy.
but we're trying. god knows we're still doing our best, we'll never give up.



- about the body sexualization: it's very hard for anyone to front in it because the mindset switch is instant and massive.
this is why we still carry cannon's torch in wanting nullification surgery ASAP.

we read something once, that terrified us. it was some sort of book saying breastfeeding was apparently "m*king l*ve to the infant." as in, yes breasts ARE sexual organs, that’s their purpose. they said this is why women should not breastfeed in public, because it was effectively exhibitionism and it would "emotionally wound" the child because the mother wasn't making it a private affair or some shit. it was disgusting. this same book talked about cultures were people would apparently fondle infants to "make them happy." and they praised this, saying our western culture was silly for condemning it, because "it makes the baby happy so it can't be wrong" and BULL F*CKING SHIT.
YOU DON'T EXPOSE INFANTS TO ADULT BIOLOGY FUNCTIONS YOU LITERAL DEMONS
YOU'RE DISGUSTING
but that's the fear. that's the horrible fear. that we were born with these things and as long as we have them, we're "obligated to be that sort of being."
that's the religious upbringing again, but twisted by social messages. I'm not exactly sure what it's being motivated by now, but the thought process is:
"you have female sex organs. you are, biologically, an adult female. adult females are supposed to be sultry and sexy and mating with adult men. you need to have children and be sexually available for both them (through the breasts) and your husband (through the other things). this is your ROLE as a woman. this is what ALL woman are born to be."

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GARBAGE.
where did this come from, the gender binary? family messages? the church? everything out there?

The worst part is that this mindset has no room for non-cishet people.
This mindset tells us, flat-out and with total righteous conviction, "you can't be trans. Your soul is female. Your INHERENT BEING is female. You must be a receptive soft sexual woman. THIS IS YOUR GOD-GIVEN PURPOSE."
"non-binary doesn't exist, there are two sexes decreed by God and if you deny that you are a blasphemer and a devil,""asexuality is a corruption of God's plan, he created man and woman to be sexual procreative sensual beings; if you do not participate in that you are literally rejecting god's plan for you, and sinning."

what the hell is this
what the hell is this

I want to cry. I am so terrified that they might be right.
but.
but.
here's the thing.

judge not by hollow words but by their consequences.

every single instance of sexuality that we have EVER endured has done nothing but hurt us agonizingly. it makes us a terrible person.

it has never ever ever made us feel close to god, or like we were doing the "right thing." quite the opposite actually, and overwhelmingly so.

"well that's because you're doing it wrong"
you've been telling me that all my life. what the hell do you consider "doing it right," then??
I've TRIED to be straight. I've TRIED to be cisgender. I've TRIED to be flirty and sensual and all the "womanly" shit you demand I be.
IT DOESN'T EVER WORK.

"well then you're too corrupted for it to work"

SCREW YOU.

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

and they're smiling. "see, you speaking to us like this, proves your sinfulness. a true Christlike person would never speak in such a way."

and then the guilt and shame crush our backbones and we crumple into fear, small childlike whimpering fear, "is that true? are they right? are they really that good? am I really that bad?"

and that is what makes us hesitate to fight off hacks.


I'm going to print this out and give it to the therapist. Again.
I can never remember if we've spoken about this stuff, which isn't surprising, as it's awfully painful to even type, and speaking it aloud is practically incomprehensible. we can't bear to make the body speak these words, it would feel like poison in our mouth.

 

 

 

caught a hacker
STOPPED THEM



HAVENT YOU FCKING LERNED THAT THAT SHIT IS BORING???

you browse it for ages and yo're literlayyl rolling yoru eyes and thnking "geez this is bullshit, what do people ven get out of this," SO WHY DONT YOU JUST STOP

IT'S DUMB
EVEN YOU KNOW IT
PEOPLE ARE WEIRD AND DISGUSTING AND NOT LIKE YOU

STOP 'WATCHING' THEM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY THEY DO WHAT THEY DO
YOULL NEVER UNDERSTAND AND BELIEVE ME YOU DONT WANT TO!!!!!!

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


@7:59PM

 

 

Today is a scary night.

We tried to talk to the brother, because he was emitting a black-cloud vibe again while complaining that "no one listens to me," so we did, and tried to offer help, but he refused to take any and kept shooting down everything we said, i dont want to think about this it was a mess


- laurie ended up semi-fronting to try and talk to him, but he started sneering and laughing at us, mocking her (sparse!) usage of profanity as a ploy to "intimidate him," he would not listen when she responded that that wasn't her intention

- sylvain started sobbing out loud at one point, only lasted about six seconds because wreckage was hot on their heels and fronted ENTIRELY. voice and all. and she STAYED OUT for like five solid minutes, not even doing anything, just holding the fort. she was really depressed though, she didn't know what to do but flat-out said she was not going to talk anymore, as he was not listening and we were just getting horrifically stressed out.

- i dont remember anything else from the convo as we were switching like crazy and he's so difficult to talk to because he spends his entire half of the conversation finding your weak spots and attacking them





Now hackers are trying to get us, because the stress dropped our vibe


They're trying to get at Undertale.
NEVER.
NEVER.

People already sexualize Mettaton too much, DON'T YOU DARE,
that's what happened to kill Eros,
I swear I will protect that flamboyant robot no matter WHAT.



...

the hackers hurt us.
but ONLY us. only us. no one else.
we had to atone. (this is simeon)
jay was sobbing over the bathtub again.
algorith came out to help clean the body up.
laurie said she had "half a mind to start digging graves again"
why am i the one who is given the words to write this?


.

i am so, so, so sad. this is jay.
the body is sick but more than that, the body feels sad. like, this is its way of weeping.
if this body could talk, that is all it would do right now. it would whimper and sob like a child.



we need to cheer up. focus on love and light.

i'm going to fight mettaton. wish me luck.

 

 

 

 

When did my life start to revolve around sex?
It’s scary because it does and it doesn’t.

Somewhere along the line I got numb to it. I stopped being scared, I stopped fighting back, I stopped having an opinion on it.
Sex became something totally neutral, something so detached from reality and awareness that it was “nonexistent” to my brain, even when it was happening to me.

Like for example. Right now. Just the thought of sexual contact is making my whole body shake with fear, but I’m not “feeling” anything but this distant, awfully childlike want to just weep and go to sleep and cry and cry and cry forever. Curl up in a ball and never wake up again. But it doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, doesn’t do anything.
Dread used to hold that. I think maybe he only holds it around other people who are a threat. When we’re alone… it feels like everything just shuts off, totally, everything but that uncontrollable nauseating fear, the nonstop shaking, the feeling of being helpless to the terror and wanting to vomit and scream and sob but being unable to do anything but shut down. God WHY.
I WANT TO FIGHT. I WANT TO FIGHT, IF THERE WAS A TANGIBLE PERSON DOING THIS I’D COME OUT AND STRANGLE THEM, I’D MAKE THEM WISH THEY NEVER SO MUCH AS THOUGHT AS HURTING US OR ANYONE.

But the people hurting us now are inside. Introjects. How do you fight them?
All the atonement only scars us. The hackers don’t care at all. The Retributors do their work in tears, heartbroken and furious and scared and exhausted. You can see it taking its toll on all of them. They’re so, so tired.

We’re so scared it’s debilitating. WHY DOES IT KEEP HAPPENING.



We need to meditate more. Now that it’s winter, we need to get used to being safe alone.
But you know what’s ironic? With our eyes closed, We’re FINE. IMMEDIATELY the bad voices and forces go away. Immediately our mind is blank and calm and so serene. But the instant we open our eyes, it all starts to come back, a sickening flooding from the back of our skull, up around our temples. GO AWAY.

So really we need to be able to meditate with our eyes OPEN. That’s the real challenge.


I think what bothers me the most is that there ARE alters in this System who hold roles tied TO sexuality.
There’s a girl who’s only purpose is to “want heterosexual sex” in order to survive it. She has no sense of self, she’s sheer internalized behavior programming and its disgusting.
There’s a boy who is the same with girls? Or at least, those with that anatomy.

I don’t want to think about this

september 17th.

things of today:


- new mesita song. I swear it's about laurie. it's fantastic. https://soundcloud.com/mesita/bethelight

- tox gave me a respirator (in heartspace) with crosses on it. it keeps me from breathing in bad things around me/us and inside, when they try to do that. that's a huge help

- guess who said hello to me during exercise today? HOSEA. man i MISS that dude, i love him lots. he was dreaming about flying around his native city and sharing the "data" with me. i kept getting lost on all the barrel rolls and somersaults, haha. upside down always confuses my brain. but not all of them threw me off! so it was really cool to feel the flips. and the freedom, the joy, was so nice. i need to reach out to the headspace-talker leagueworld people more often, besides preludove and my boss of course. i love them all.

- we got a $5 gift card for kmart and minty kind of wants a tiny care bear (to be a safe thing that we carry) so we'll go look for one tomorrow.

- spent the past 4 days or longer working on LG*GIRLS of all things. that series has almost no development yet but I'm hoping to get it to talk, with this new attention. still ironing out the color combos (there's ONE repeated combo I have to fix, and one of the blues might be swapped for a lime green, meaning even MORE revisions) but we're almost done. after this I can get this next shirt done, haha. it's for this series, so!

- cel is ticked off at jasmine, said she does NOT want what jasmine wants, does not approve, said the forest does not approve either, that's why so many "synchronicities" happen to STOP HACKERS when they front. but yeah cel is NOT letting anyone use her, thank god. I was so worried, for a while she was so confused and hurt too.

- laurie and I were wondering if maybe nathaniel could be a sort of "trump card" for us against the "fear seeding hackers," the ones that are trying to turn the forest into a trigger, yes that is blasphemously brazen. but nathaniel is sheer compassion, and tied to the woods, so maybe HE can heal that gut-deep anxiety, if cel can't do so completely.

- therapy today, planning to go to sheppard pratt in the VERY near future because the family/home environment has recently become utterly, maniacally toxic. our stress level is currently a big raw rubbery red thing, something awful like a tumor hanging in the air, buzzing right in the middle of our vision. it's horrid. so we need to get somewhere safe, to heal, to focus on US.

- therapist wants us to sit down and actually think about how our treatment as a child affected us. we were trying to express how stressed we were and she asked us about how the mother treated us and our biological siblings, how did our siblings interact with us, etc. I gave her what sparse vague data we had, it was shocking how little there was, but then I admitted in surprise that "I've never even thought about how her behavior in our childhood affected us now," esp. our subconscious instincts. the therapist said we should do that over the weekend then, it should shed light on a lot.

- brother is still paranoid, vibe of entitled superiority is still making me very uncomfortable, but I swear he IS "waking up" even so and the experiences he's having are AMAZING and I just wish he would actually TALK to us. he never does and that's sad in a way; we might not "know who he is" really but it feels like we could still have a rapport with him, we could learn a lot from each other's experiences. still that's somewhat hypocritical. we admitted that we "can't be honest with anyone" UNLESS we completely introduce them to the basics of headspace. that's us, that's our soul, we cannot possibly tell the truth if "we" are trying to appear neurotypical. the alters in charge of maintaining that mask are so shallow and programmed too. darn good at "playing the game," but there's no substance, no personality behind it. and if you test it that becomes very obvious very fast, BUT then we come out because we were there the whole time, just completely buried by the fakey fronters. so we really want to try to get to that point of honesty with at least him soon. its just that sometimes he scares us for some reason, we're actually afraid to be around him? but it's a "child fear." I wonder what its roots are, and/or who is specifically feeling it. we'll have to see.

- mother's boyfriend "finally" kicked her out of his house, after 6 years? they fight all the time, their relationship is upsettingly immature and manipulative and really just highly unhealthy. I asked the mother why she stayed with him for so long if she couldn't stand him and she said "I needed somewhere to hide," specifically from my grandmother, as those two have this bizarre sort of viciously bitter passive-aggressive vendetta against each other. it's sad and I want to see it healed but I'll admit, again, when I'm unconscious and therefore "social" I can just parrot either of their arguments depending on "what is conversationally expected." see the problem, neurotypical behavior doesn't give a darn about morality. anyway yeah no idea what's going to happen now, with both the mother and brother now back in this house I fear what the atmosphere is going to be like…. but we'll manage. we can use this as an opportunity to be a brighter light than ever before, to be as centered as we possibly can, to practice patience and forgiveness and charity. that's how we have to deal with this.

- there was a hack today. one of the infamous "60 seconds and you're dead" ones apparently. they went through infi and ze was sobbing, apparently it came out of nowhere and coincided with blackout/ time loss and it's just a mess.

- …lately laurie has not been coping with this well. she's shredded emotionally. last night the full breadth of all this hit her and she just started wailing, it was the most heartwrenching thing I've ever heard, it split me in half.

- this evening, she went full-out destroyer, embracing her black energy resonance and picking up her gold-edged axe and absolutely booming with thunder and huge crackles of violet lightning. she looked like some sort of furious divine thing. I clearly remember seeing lynne and jo looking at her with awestruck fear and lynne saying "what is she," jo saying "maybe she's what we all can become"

- lynne warned laurie about getting lost in that griefstricken rage, laurie took out the angel helmet and put it on? vibe changed totally to a sort of victoriously peaceful integrity? hard to put into words. like she knew that no matter what the hackers did they could NOT affect our soul, they would NEVER win, and yet she also would not stand for their behavior at all, but she wouldn't be ruled by violence about it either.

- she took the helmet off and was so obviously drained from all this that she just went back to central, sat down, she was shaking terribly. I noticed all her bandages were getting seeped with blood and I panicked inside, I was so scared for her, I loved her, but there was this horrendous ice wall in my chest and it was trying to numb me out. I "detached" it from my psyche and sure enough it "personified" into one of the tar-girls, that hellish peach girl who is the WORST hacker, but who only recently got a face. laurie saw her and her eyes turned to ire and she stood up and just berated this hacker, to the point where they actually started "glitching out" from fear instability, but then infinitii showed up in monster-mode and basically crushed them to white dust. seconds later though infi melted back to normal and was so obviously distraught, ze just held out her arms and laurie actually ran to hir, fell to her knees and embraced hir, and the two of them just cried.

- infi put an arm out to me and gave me a look, so I went over to them too. I know I needed it, for catharsis. but the pain from the two of them, and in me, was unbearable. laurie was weeping and that feels like a gold sword driven straight through my chest, it's the worst pain but it drives me to such tears, I started sobbing too and for a moment she stopped and looked at me with the most empathetic shock, then put an arm around my shoulders and brought me closer in to the group.

- knife was around here, lynne and jo were too but they were standing off by the windows. knife was in tears and he was so upset about laurie bleeding, he wanted to heal her but he was trembling and crying and laurie turned and hugged him too, trying to comfort him a little (by this point she wasn't such a wreck outwardly). I remember her saying "I love you, man" and he just hugged her tighter.

- infi's probably going to end up sharing the bed with cz and I tonight and I do not mind. ze needs the comfort that cz radiates and frankly I'd feel awful not giving them comfort and company after what happened this evening.

- aspects. of people. forgot to mention this. it's not "alters have alters," it's more like… the only comparison I can think of is how in hinduism, gods have many "forms?" like how shiva has so many different iterations, but they are all the same deity. well a similar thing can happen to more complex headvoices, who have roles that are nevertheless very specific, vitally so. like laurie and i. yes splintering happens but that's different-- that's when something damages our anchor and needs to break off before it breaks us? an "aspect" is different. the example I want to give is how I have these well-known subtle visual differences, that alter my entire personal vibe and attitude. like my "snowflake" form has a totally different way of behaving and seeing the world than my "confetti" one, or my "prism" one. laurie seems to have at least three "forms" too? maybe? even if they're just now developing. that storm-space destroyer form, and then her two common ones-- the "fierce protector" one that she started out as, and then the softer more chill one that she's usually in now. again, always her, no matter what. but her ENTIRE vibe shifts totally from one state to another. now I bring this up because, for me, being a core, I can indeed get tangled up in residual memories from other past cores, etc. and with personal interactions this can get very confusing. long story short I've realized that in order to function properly around different people inside, I CANNOT stay in the same form, it's just not working. hence all the dissociation I've been getting inside. but yes, apparently my MOST stable form right now in an emotional sense is OLDER, like legit older than the body, I feel like… closer to 40, like that. but it's such a beautiful vibe, it's a solid feeling, but with a lighter feather edge than I have younger; younger forms are all bright and pastel soft… this older form is like brushed silver. it's so lovely to be. and that's the form that allows me to function WITHOUT dysphoria or misattributed memories or fear, around cz. so yeah. that's significant. around infinitii I'm basically a white-feathered semi-anthropomorphized version of proginoskes. dead serious. I'm just all eyes and wings, with mouths on my back mostly, and starry black blood, and a tendency to be serpentine instead of having legs. so you get the idea. this feels like my "white energy" version of jewel's "link shifts," where she could literally join ANY world she entered, so to speak, she could adjust almost effortlessly to who she "would have to be to BE there." I can't do that, but she can't do this? yeah we both have morphs (cherubell, infinite, etc.) but that's a whole different thing too. geez I need to add all this to our glossary soon.

- speaking of infinite forms, "infinite" is allegedly the name of infi's face-mouth form? and "eternos" is the name of hir white/pink form. again, shifting. this explains a lot with cz too, I think. except HIS issue is that when he first anchored to headspace, I think his anchor SPLINTERED OFF and that aqua-hue, mouth-fulla-teeth, sleek and snarky self of his is a SEPARATE PERSON than the "canon base" guy I spend all MY time with. the previous jewels knew the aqua one. and yes they ARE confirmed separate people, physically so; it's just a very unusual situation because he's just naturally chaotic as far as this is concerned, pun obviously intended. but I love him, all of him. I might not know his other "selves" yet, but like I said, a lot of people in here do, so might just have to step into some data records and feel that stuff, get acquainted with the past that way.


- all right now one of infi's fave songs came up on spotify ("all of me" by john legend, actually) and I'm tired and we should really get some sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@7:46 AM


some notes about yesterday-- i forgot them last night but it's early so i need to at least list them somewhere:

 

ADD TO ENTRY=

 

- spyro 2! found the cd. play it and write about how it affects us; location-wise i never realized how hugely influential it was on both headspace and the leagueworlds
- sylvain fronting in kmart briefly, looking for minty's care bears, triggered someone "fitting for the context" (a child). surprisingly solid when he blinked in, peaceful mind
- btw where are our jewel monster fronters, make sure nothing messes with THEIR minds
- chocoloco lately, esp. with the spikes-- he's now growing them to "give" to people to eat instead of breaking less expendable parts of himself off (which he used to). his blood is molten??? got a glimpse of his insides, reminded me of dragonheart in that it glowed, orangey red. seemed liquidish. really unusual.
- did anyone talk about nexus??? laurie's really disturbed by hir existence; they don't talk to us much but when they do it's highly upsetting.
- is triad still alive? or was ze a misinterpretation of a splinter or something?
- "brown haired" angry fronter? NOT overload? long hair. showing up more often now, flipping off the mother, her anchor is way too brunt and huge, who is she really
- wtf happened to overload btw did they fuse? is she hiding?
- spice, esp. the kissing thing (to stop people from dissociating and buying/eating tar food), it WORKS. also forging an amusing but really sweet closeness between her and all the main fronters who are open to that.
- also it's her birthday today HAPPY BIRTHDAY eat something nice for her
- conflict with me not being out, I think I mentioned, but there is SO much time loss it's scary
- manic singers in cars. genesis is irate, stopping them.
- ruby doesn't count as a manic i dont think? when she sings it's always alone. it's fun and energetic and can SEEM manic because of the childish exuberance of it, but the key of manics is that they are OUTSIDE-ORIENTED and full of almost violent nervous energy. not so with ruby. so that's a relief, that's good.
- yes zwei is still alive! she's mostly moved into heartspace but she can still front/sing and she isn't negative.
- horrible peachy-colored hacker, long hair. behavior is atrocious, disgusting mindsets. but she has ROCK SOLID BODY ROOTS and that is both hideously nauesating and existentially terrifying. is she that old???????
- she is NOT the same as the lime-haired one from that horrible horrible xanga last week. the two are both twisted as hell but at least the limey one feels vaguely redeemable (her motivations are severely distorted). the fleshtone one does NOT.
- btw WHATS WITH THE LONG HAIR? why do most of the hackers look the SAME, like the body did when it was about 16-17???? does that have anything to do with the "jacob years???" i.e. late high school, the job/relationship puppet time period. I feel so bad that kid got unintentionally tied to such nonsense but check the time period data regardless. photos DO seem to match up and that DOES make me want to vomit until i cry but that's stress dude. it's awfully distressing.
- in a notable exception, jezebel likes the short hair, and her earrings, which the mother now has. but she's terrifying still, her hold on the body is WAY too potent, can we change that?

- an hour with infi last night. intimate-context cardiophagy. dear heaven. please write about that.
- that only works with infi btw. soul form problem?? can't reach one with hir, possibly because ze is made OF that stuff essentially?? so the resonance kind of internalizes, can get huge without causing physical mutations in that specific respect? like it's too broad, too massive, the orderly "soul form" phenomenon doesn't happen with infi because it's resonating like a bell in a church hall, not a little one you're holding in your hand. space-wise. does that make sense?
- weird merge drive shift too. not sure how to put that into words, or if someone already has. unique, blood-based??? possibly due to the literal "this person is part of my soul" thing. but very interesting. can be dangerous though, if looked at wrong. unsurprisingly
- xenophon, how in the world is she almost 5. she feels like she's getting older, it's doing weird things to my heart. still calls me "dad," calls cz her "father," is that accurate?? see if you can talk to the aqua cz, get a name. see if perfect is still separate in any way; normal cz shifted INTO him lately out of despair remember
- ^ memory issues, time gaps, still thinking 2012 was "last year," dishonored autumn sticking out as its entire own time period (gorgeous btw, READ DUNE AGAIN). seriously the entire october-december time period last year is a time-bubble of its own. anaesthesia shook us up i think. maybe hormones shifting the body awareness irreversibly too. who knows. anyway that's a VERY IMPORTANT TOPIC so sit down and look at what data we have accessible inside, then READ what we wrote to fill in the inevitable gaps.
- also kind of shocked but amazed because apparently xenophon is legit a jewel monster, or is at least "becoming one" as it were; she's showing a LOT of indisputable signs. still no confirmed locked-in power jewels yet but it feels like they're developing strongly. it'll happen.
- mr sandman being SO clear when he talks to me, the hand-face thing, all the little lines in his hands, profoundly comforting
- remember laurie crying because of how I described "hacks," the term refers to the fact that they're basically mental/emotional/spiritual rape, shoved into the physical, through manipulation and lies and outright forcing. it's entirely nonconsensual but they HIDE. like a computer hacker.
- laurie realizing that her heartbroken states can split right through my glacier walls and she is using that to her full advantage. she kissed me for like… 15 seconds last night. all at once. it was numinous


btw

work a bit more on the akuna art trade please, dont be paranoid or perfectionistic, just do your best.

read those library books they go back monday. especially a wind in the door again because of personal relevance.

check the psych ward sites, we need to decide on dc or maryland for monday?

DRAW. just in general. heal the artists.
you have a fair amount of empty sketchbooks, USE THEM.
also, we NEED to start that webcomic, no matter how shoddy it may feel at first. we can do it.

 

 

THE DEVIL PRETENDS HE IS AN ANGEL OF LIGHT.

THIS IS WHAT THE "OLD EROS" IS IN OUR SYSTEM

HE THINKS HE FEELS REAL LOVE BUT HERE IS THE QUESTION:
DOES HE CARE ABOUT HOW HIS ACTIONS AFFECT OTHERS??
CAN HE FEEL LOVE IN OTHER CONTEXTS??
NO
HE CANNOT

EVEN WHEN HE "TRIES TO DO IT THE LOVING WAY" IT IMPLODES
HE IS STILL WRACKED BY PAIN AND A FEELING OF VAGUE DESPAIR
HE KNOWS THAT WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG
AND NO AMOUNT OF SICKLY SWEET LIES WILL JUSTIFY IT


LISTEN
WE'RE MISERABLE
THE BODY IS TRAUMATIZED
I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS

THE WHORE WOMEN AND PROSTITUTE BOYS IN THIS SYSTEM
ARE NOT WHO WE ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DEVOTE YOURSELF TO THE ONE TRUE GOD
WHO WILL NEVER DEMAND SEX OF YOU

AND IF HE "DOES"
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am in hrorible pain.


WHY THE HELL ARE THERE RAPIST INTROJECTS IN THIS SYSTEM?????????
AND WHY THE HELL ARE THEY ALL ADULT WOMEN?????? WHO CALL THEMSELVES OUR "MOM"???????????
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?????????????????????????????/


Moxie got hacked by the horrible fcking fat woman alter who calls herself "mommy" and keeps FCKING RAPING THE CHILDREN.
I swear that HAS to be "sharona" because Simeon was getting triggered badly by her being around too.
ashen almost did. but she was too old
dread didn’t come out. moxie did.
I don’t fcking know why the hell this keeps happening


IS SOME PART OF OUR PSYCHE CONVINCED WE DESERVE THIS???????


its heartbreaking, the kids are saying "mommy says she loves me but she makes me feel dirty" and I want to fcking vomit
what the hell is this

is this tumblrs fault
is this the goddamn porn industrys fault
is this fcking FIGURE DRAWING classes fault
we see this shit EVERYWHERE
always the SAME FCKING WOMEN
THEY ALL LOOK THE GODDAMNED SAME
AND THEY ARE HORRIFYING

god I am so sick

moxie feels about 11
she was confused why the body was so big
says that "her tummy was too big" and that it was "mommy fat" and she had to get rid of it or it would hurt her
god isnt that telling
she cut up the arms just like a kid would and said she wanted to die
julie and laurie both tried to stop her, calm her down, but she was too empty sad

god
WHY
WHY????????????????


THIS DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH OUR BIOLOGICAL MOTHER ANYMORE
WHERE THE HELL DID THIS SHIT EVEN COME FROM??????????


knife cant atone anymore without heave-sobbing its terrible
he cannot bear seeing all this blood
everyone who feels the hacks says "its never enough"
no amount of blood can ever entirely bleed out the horror and filthy feeling
it helps, god it helps, it really does,
but the event happened
and the memories get buried
BURIED
SIX FEET UNDER
DONT YOU FCKING DARE TOUCH THAT SHIT ITS EVIL

someone
SOME MOTHERFCKER
TRIED TO IMITATE THE OLD JULIE HACKING METHODS
THAT'S WHY THIS SHIT HAPPENED

why the hell do we keep going back in time
why WYHY

i dont understsand
i dont understand

i dont understand any of this

who the hell keeps using us
is this mind control
is this possession
what is this
what IS THIS
its not us its never been us
we fight tooth and nail

they have to SHUT US DOWN in order to hurt us AT ALL

but thats exactly what keeps happening


god please
make this stop
please
make this stop.

please.

make this stop.

i dont care what you have to do
i dont care how much of us you have to kill

KILL THIS BODY PLEASE
THERES SO MUCH EVIL IN IT
PLEASE
GET THESE GIRLS OUT OF HERE
PLEASE
THIS BODY IS TERRIFYING AND FULL OF EVIL
PELASE DESTROY IT
SOMEHOW
WERE SCARED TO DIE BUT WE DNT WANT TO BE EVIL ANYMORE
PLEASE
HELPE US
HELP US PLEASE

PLEASE

 

 

july 20th.


morning= the "sandblaster analogy" with hackers, and julie being "built rusted" but still fixed.

later on, laurie's hopeful comment to me that that fixing is "how I love?" how salt (plague) gets into things, eats away at everything, but I'm willing to put the work in and fix those "cars" up again. no matter how devastated they are.
told me I'm a source of hope for her too. how she doesn't want to fall into hatred anymore. she wants to learn to love and forgive and hope as unconditionally as I do, on my best days. she told me not to get lost either.


lynne took a hack tonight.
the androgyne was out, lynne realized this person actually WANTED "sex" (that damned undefined word) but in a way that had nothing to do with lust or lasciviousness? so lynne took the chance to see what in the world they were doing.

i can't talk about that it makes me sick to think it HAPPENED

androgyne obsessed with the "breakage/leakage" concept. getting it confused with hellish human sexuality.
jay and infi are the main persons interested in that concept, for the record, but they have total inside roots enough to not get hacked or manipulated. plus jay is absolutely sex-repulsed (no malice, just "ew") so we're not worried about him as he is.

lynne then decided to atone.
profusely sorry, but not self-hating-- just sad that she had let herself be dragged into this, that she hadn't had enough wisdom to stop this.
but that's why these keep happening really. we don’t know WHY there's such potency behind the androgyne's motivation, we keep trying to find out.
laurie said this was why she was so terribly lenient with those "fallen" voices (we can't rightfully call them "hackers" because they ARENT malicious, just terribly lost); she realized they were trying to accomplish something totally different, something sad and hopeful and confused and wanting of affection, and they had no fucking clue what else to do. laurie realized the more she yelled at them and told them no, the more we had to deal with ACTUAL negative hackers because they fed on that shit.
laurie helped atone as a result of her guilt over this. she wanted to protect people but she also didn't want to become ruled by near-hateful rage and violence anymore. (she's really torn up about that, her anchor is a MESS and she's very scared so we're all worried as hell about her.)
razor was also intrigued that there was like no pain sensation today so she jumped in too, knife had to speak up and stop everyone because frankly lynne got REALLY carried away (she felt she owed that much but still geez).
sugar was also out to clean up.

laurie realized, the androgyne legitimately thought there was NO OTHER WAY to be close to someone.
so laurie told them, "I love everyone in this entire system, and I'd never sleep with any of them" then "don't you realize there are other ways to show your love?"
androgyne paused, replied with something like "but I want to be this close to people, and share myself with them, and that's the only way I know how." in short, "if i care i HAVE to sleep with them" but not feeling ANYTHING, even the affection was dim and distant and buried under the numbness required to shove hirself into such situations.
at this laurie cut her wrist, showed the androgyne the blood, said that this was how she "shared herself with people." there WERE other ways.

lynne realized that the BLOOD gave the SAME FEELING as what the androgyne was after!! (intimacy of it)
idea, maybe we can start using "atonement" to PREEMPTIVELY stop hacks.

laurie had another idea. we need to TEACH these kids WHAT IT FEELS LIKE to be close to people in non-sexual ways.
she said it "broke her heart" to realize that these kids KNEW NO OTHER CONTEXT to closeness, to human affection so to speak. they literally thought that if you love someone SO much that you want to break yourself open and pour yourself into them, really, they only knew ONE way and that was through a sexual context. which was why they kept going after that, but STILL dissociated totally, or cut out all physical sensation except pain and heartbeats.
the lost kids DON'T SLIP, they don't harm people, they run on a lustless basis, just like eros/cupid did.
but the problem is, this programming is the wrong context. this is the wrong way for them to look for what they want, it will never really work. we all know that people SHUT DOWN when hacks happen, no matter HOW hard they try to purify them or stick around afterwards. the body can't deal.
so we all agree, we have to start HEALING THE HACKERS and the fallen ones, it's going to take a LOT OF TIME AND EFFORT but hey, if we can heal JULIE of all people, we can heal anyone else.

 

 

 

thoughts as of this morning.


- family has a bad habit of saying "no" to me when i ask to do things i enjoy, esp. with helping, because they think they're "doing me a favor." so i get a lot of smiling good-intentioned denial or outright forbiddance (often behind my back) from doing things i would really like to do. "oh no honey, i'll do that!" or "i already did that so you dont have to!" after ive told them multiple, multiple times that it would mean a lot to me TO do that thing. they still shake their heads and insist "no, you're wrong, I'll do it to save you the trouble." so then i get realm damn confused over what i like or dont like, AND whether liking things at ALL is problematic, since they keep insisting it's trouble or something.
- this feeds into the "i don't deserve anything good" programming from childhood, which is linked to "if you have something good then yo're depriving a family member of the same," which is then tied into "self-care is selfish," which in turn feeds into a whole bloody laundry list of problems, unsurprisingly... notably the eating disorder ("i am only allowed to eat scraps or what other people have rejected")
- on that note that seems to affect two of my bro. lightning hides everything of himself from everyone-- his art, his accomplishments, his opinons, etc. are all buried and he gets angry and upset when people demand he share it. but he's also very softspoken and appears timid until that switch is flipped and he explodes. that makes a lot of sense to me, its pressurized maybe. but viral infamously had this thing for years where he wouldnt let himself smile or laugh, he would actually beat himself up for laughing at jokes, he was ashamed of it. he's over that now. i'm not.
- and thats what hit me again this morning. last night we wrote, "why do we save good things for last," and they often then get swept under the rug or forgotten? i think, subconsciously, that's the actual intent. because i woke up this morning and remembered that someone wrote about the javier thing, about that affection, and the immediate response from somewhere inside was "you fcking whore." and the hatred raged. there is still so much searing hatred directed towards anything like that, anything "close" or softer or personally notable like that. there is also unforgiving rage directed towards anything & everything that gets associated with a manic state, usually music and media. this is why we dont listen to music in cars anymore. songs that we love get tainted almost irreversibly the instant a manic fronter starts dancing or singing along to them, (like the fcking mother, that bitter angry voice spits). it's scary because it's hard to extricate them from that loathing afterwards. very hard. some songs are never the same again.
- but that, THAT, is truly the root problem, sabotaging everything. no one will ever heal as long as we believe that healing is, in and of itself, selfish and manipulative and proud and spiteful. as long as we believe healing is harmful, in that respect, then the self-abuse will perpetuate, in whatever form, because the self-abuse is being viewed as the lesser evil.
- this is probably also why no matter how many times laurie begs people not to give in to hacks, it doesnt seem to stick, because the self-hatred says "well i'm shit anyways so i deserve to be treated like it," and the hack-induced relationship paranoia says "well if you care about me and i reciprocate that, then i'm being a selfish whore, so i can't." it is ASININE but it is EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING.
- bottom line is, i dont want javier to suddenly have a mark on his head. i dont want him to be the new target of murderous intent because he dared to get involved in the poly-group thing, which many negs inside label as "the ultimate evil," due to being a relationship. context doesn't fcking matter. if there's closeness of any sort, it becomes "evil." which is shit, but there is such potent fear tied to seeing it otherwise... it lets the condemnation occur. there is crushing terror tied to saying it might not be evil, because that ties into the demonic ladder again, "if you say that's not evil, then you're ultimately saying that everything in the context of a relationship is not evil, therefore if someone rapes or molests you, it's your own fault." and then we think we "asked for it," or worse that we "SHOULD have asked for it," and its bullshit and i cannot BELIEVE how tied this is to SLC, what the hell, WHY is that collective experience so strongly tied to abuse, dam
- this is a mess i will have to make a coherent list of it later.
- we do need to have a xanga about this. force it if we have to, because there are a LOT of negs sabotaging the xanga efforts for the above reasons, also "it's stupid and fake" even when it obviously is not. but if we have a xanga then maybe we can try to work this out in real time. nasty people get triggered in those situations so that could teach us a lot too. they dont talk to anyone otherwise.


i think this is going to be our therapy topic today.
now if you dont mind i desperately need to lie down. i only got 3 hours of sleep and ive already had to drive at least 15 miles today. so its not safe to drive another 30 with therapy, with no sleep. we dont want to shut down on the road.

see you later this evening.


-----------------------------------------------------------


@3:11 PM


HOLY SMOKES HUGE RELIGIOUS REVELATIONS TODAY.

we really have been led down the wrong path and I am so, so, so sorry

I really am sorry. we've been told this sort of thing before. but this is just more paper on the evidence pile, more solidity behind the proof.



jasmine is one of the WORST hackers for this purpose
thank god she appears to be gone.

jacinth was second place,

THIS IS WHY THEY KEEP TARGETING CEL/ CELEBI???
(worshipping nature and sex; "creation instead of creator")

remember the sex=short circuit thing. it's BLOWING YOUR FUSES OUT.
laurie SAW that, remember??? and chaos knows it too.
SO DO YOU, IT REALLY FCKING HURTS, REMEMBER???


"man cannot save himself," following christ versus being christ, ANTICHRIST

 

 

 

Ended up getting a hacker to hack themselves today. Not entirely by accident. I feel sorry for 'em really.
But it worked for Julie, I'm sick of this happening, so I told this kid, fine, do whatever the hell you want, but I am NOT letting you lose sight of what the hell you're doing for an instant.
And the kid was scared. This hacker, this actual kid, was scared and TOLD me they didn't want to be doing this, they didn't really want any of this, they were confused, and I let them KNOW that. I SHOWED them how they were being lied to. I TRIED to get them the heck out of there and they almost listened to me damn it, they almost did, but... they had a choice. And they made a choice out of fear and self-doubt and sick obligation but it was a choice.
Now they want to die and I don't know where the heck they went but...

Before all that I stopped them from committing suicide. They were trying. They found our gutting knife and they were about to use it for a pretty bloody similar reason. I had to throw the thing aside to get them to stop. Then the hack hell happened.
But now I now. At least one of these kids, this "androgyne" or whoever we were calling hir, they were only hacking because they were lost and full of despair and hopelessness. I wanna say self-hatred but it wasn't quite. The one who others call "Jess" has the self-hatred, but she's not a hacker, she's an abuser.

God what am I even doing. The body's sick, we're trying our best here, summer makes it hard.


Nienna was out today during church, singing. Jemma was fronting for a bit before that, not sure why her, but she was. Chocoloco was there. When Nienna came out she just gently nudged Jemma aside for a bit, was singing with an arm around her shoulders, Jemma said that was fine. There was a tangible "shift" from left to right when Nienna left, we haven't "felt" a switch that softly but strongly since Laurie yanked "Jewel" out of fronting back in SLC, and that was painful.
But it's interesting. Nienna cannnot/ does not talk unless she is singing. Specifically, she can't "sing" a conversation either; if she wanted to sing-talk it has to be applicable lyrics from existing songs? I have no idea, this is new stuff. Nienna's been getting a surprisingly solid anchor over the past few months, which is lovely, as when she first appeared we thought she would fade out quickly. Not so!
Christina was with them too, reading mass stuff in the innerworld (specifically the petitions). She still has that little chapel-crypt in the Underground levels, in the old areas where everything is mostly stone. It looks very very similar to the chapel in St Ann's locally... I'll have to take a photo of it when the novena starts soon. I love it there, it smells so profoundly comforting, all candles and wood and incense. That smell is "home," it's not motherly but it's that same sort of needed "belonging" feeling. I adore it. It's an amber-gold smell.
The black guy with dreadlocks was out again during mass too. I think his color is gold. He's all gold and crystal drops, no idea who he is but he's got a STRONG anchor, the System keeps trying to push a "J" name on him (meaning Core/Host rights usually) but it's not working? He might end up taking some old Host names. Who knows. But he's VERY real and very positive, he is deeply sweet and hopefully he can front more often. He has no "upstairs" awareness though, and socials like that (Jesse, ) tend to get acutely confused with body dysphoria and time gaps and stuff. They exist, but they have no way of really understanding what their current existence IS. So until those people tap into the upstairs, and come to terms with that reality, they fluctuate madly and may not truly anchor. That whole "I'm just one person in this body?" realization is a huge existential shock, some socials cannot cope with it and reject it. Those people usually become numb and/or abusive and that's sad. We really should focus on that problem soon, actually... we've never been clearly aware of it before and that is a big topic.
Almost forgot. Sherlock fronted too, near the end of mass. He got pulled in for some reason, and it was really clear, the memory data is super solid. He was just looking around at the light and the color and everything, thinking "so this is what it's like to exist out here?" and basically being awestruck by the tangibility of everything, of the odd solidity of the outerworld. He was tearing up a little.

Still having problems with floating voices and intuition. Mostly it's "good" floating voices now but they're too neutral. They just give simple orders and stand back, don't enforce anything. Someone told them we need Laurie instead and hopefully we can go back to headspace all the time instead of socials and floating voices. The latter is flat and empty and sad and abusive. The former is real and alive and helpful and hopeful. Being 'in the body' and listening to voice orders requires an annihilation of individuality and free will. It requires that there is no introsection or self-awareness. Because all your attention must go to constant obedience. So even if we're following good orders, we're miserable because we aren't really living? Is that selfish?
Can't we have a happy medium? Listen to that advice BUT live according to who we ARE? Can't we have color in our life? We just want color in our lif again. That's where the eating disorder is coming from. That's why people are refusing to listen to the floating voices who say "don't eat that, you'll regret it" or "fast for the rest of the day" because these young social fronters are frustrated and heartbroken and they say no, they eat anyway because even if they DON'T want it, they want to "eat" color. They want to FEEL some sort of sparkle in life. So it gets misrouted. They get confused. They end up getting horrifically sick and not understanding why because they don't realize it's food, they don't understand eating, they just want to put color back into their body. That's all.
Misrouting and mistranslation is probably the root problem of everything. It's our biggest, saddest fault.

Progress is being made, however quietly, however slow it feels. Big steps are still being taken even if the journey is long.

 

 

 

 

God, give me the strength to protect this kid.

I don't know if the prayers of people like me get heard, or by what, or whatever. All I know is that I'm bloody torn up right now over this, about how terribly scared these kids are, how they're legitimately losing hope, losing the will to fight, to carry on..

God help me I don't know what to do. I'm crying here.

God give me the strength to PROTECT us, all of us for life's sake, ALL of us in here.
Just... I hate hating things, I really do, especially now that Julie's with us. I don't want to hate these tarbrain hackers because geez, what if THEY end up with us one day? And who knows, enough love and effort and they might.
Except that's how Jay thinks. I hope. Used to think, at least. But look what they did to him.

There are a couple of 'psychopaths' in this System, at least. They've got frighteningly brilliant masks and when they take them off it's just bloodied teeth underneath. Eating our hearts out, basically. And at least one of the Jays is into that torture apparently, so that's even MORE opportunity for these bloody hackers to get at him.

Geez look at this word salad. I'm rambling. Guess I'm more nervous than I thought.
Heck, of course I'm nervous. The body's dying for God's sake. I'm so nervous I'm shaking. I don't know what the heck to do.

We're trying. God knows we're trying. Those of us who can still fight are fighting. And apparently, this is really bloody sad but at least it's got a silver lining, apparently the 'body' is learning how to be afraid again. How awful is that. We had so many numb fronters, so many dissociated 'optimist' hackers, that we somehow got inundated with this hellish anaesthetizing numbness thing. Now it's cracking, if only because there are still people on the inside looking out, and even if no one's feeling anything we can still realize what's going on.
It's the most bloody ironic thing. "Logic will save us." Emotion is useless right now. It's corrupt. The knowledge, the experience, the people up here doing the "blasphemous" thing of being "logical" and "analytical" and "judgmental," THEY'RE the ones feeling 'emotions' now, THEY'RE the ones trying to SAVE people for crying out loud,
THE BLEEDING ARCHIVISTS CARE MORE ABOUT HUMAN WORTH THAN THE GODFORSAKEN SPIRITUAL FRONTERS DO.

God help us.
Spice is right, this body is really sick. We've really gotta crack down on that too.
I don't know. I'm literally just unloading my brain onto this screen. Needed an outlet of some sort for all this pain I'm dealing with in silence, ha ha. Bad habit of mine.

God give me strength. That's about it in a nutshell.

I'm out of here for the night. Nothing else I can type that doesn't involve me shattering in tears. I can't do that in the body, the bloody emotion killers step in. My heart actually hurts, and I can't feel that on the outside because this demonic social programming has deemed it "unacceptable." No emotions allowed in the body.
Then again the hacker residue doesn't help. When the body looks like the abuser, or IS the abuser in some cases, seeing IT cry when you're heartbroken is more than a little jarring, so I've heard.

Anyway I can still cry my stupid eyes out inside if I want to. Pretend I didn't say that. God. I'm so bleeding scared of being scared and sad. I guess it's 'cause I know it means I'm at a loss. When I'm at a loss you know there's trouble, heh. Don't like this at all.

Infinitii's gotta help me out here. I've gotta talk to Knife, I haven't seen him in a while. Maybe chill with the girls. Something. Gotta connect with people up here, feel a little alive while I still can, feel that SOMETHING matters more than this...

God all we've wanted is to have this on the outside, that's it.
Who the heck decided to make us "normal?"
Who the heck decided compassion and integrity and individual worth were useless in the face of "popular opinion" or whatever similar garbage? Who the heck decided to just throw everything meaningful to the wind because otherwise they'd be the "freak," the "outcast,"
geez.
We need to get out of this house, I guess. God I don't know. I'm really bloody hopeless and scared right now, I admit it, no use hiding it. I'm slipping really freaking badly, I've gotta go yell at Jewel about this or something.

I don't want to lose my anchor. God I don't want to lose my anchor. I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to be erased. I don't want to lose who I am like I've seen so many other people do. I've seen too many people die in too many ways. I don't want to be next, not when people are counting on my stability to survive.

God I need a Core to talk to. A Host, whoever, whatever. I need one of them here right about now. It's been so frighteningly hard to find one lately, it's been so bloody hard to function without that constant kid around to yell at and guide around and care for, you know? I haven't been able to figure out who the heck's been around lately, if anyone. I miss Jay. I miss Jewel. I miss Cannon. I miss all the kids who knew me by name and looked up to me as their guardian angel or big sister or best friend or knight in shining armor.
God I am bloody crying. I cannot handle this.

"I'll go wherever you'll go," why on earth is that song playing in my head all of a sudden. Just... come on.

Soeeone's hacking the LEAGUEWORLDS. God, just... what the actual hell, WHY, why won't they freaking STOP, I PAID IN BLOOD FOR THIS, SHE DID, WE ALL DID,
I almost died, I wanted to, because of this trauma, because of all the innocent kids who were paying the real price for this... Ashen and Moxie and all those others we can't find, God, just... why is it always kids, why is it always the sweet ones, Jeremiah and Jay and Julie even, just... why? WHY?
I can't, I can't stand for this. I can't. I need to go get a bunch of Retributors and just straight-out depthcharge this demon, whoever in hell is hacking THEM, hurting those OTHER kids and sweet hearts, I swear why are THEY always the targets, why the blood do you people always touch the innocent ones and spend the entire freaking time smiling and trying to convince them it's OKAY???
What the hell is wrong with you. What the hell is wrong with us that that sort of evil thing is propagating in our head? What sort of messages even took root in here? Who the hell DOES that?
I can't take it, I can't take all these kids being hurt, Sugar's gotta help me with this, Sugar and Wreckage, God forgive me but she is so hard to deal with, I can't bloody handle being around Wreckage for long because she deals with terrors I could never touch, and never WANT to touch, it would tear me to shreds. But she's hard as nails, just like me, but worse. She carries all this pain that doesn't scar.
God help us all.
There is too bloody much pain in here. Why the heck can I feel it, I'm not even enduring any of that, why aren't the kids allowed to be afraid for God's sake?? Who the heck is stopping them? Who the heck tried to convince them it was "okay" to be hurt? Who in hell keeps CONFUSING them??
This is why my boy loves pain. Jay. Poor kid has a legit addiction and I don't understand it but it worries the wits out of me, there's such actual desperation in his eyes when he's bloodied up, it's this need for this sort of heartwrenching compassion he only seems able to really crash into when the pain does too. I don't know. I just keep wondering, what in hell happened to you for this to be such a constant in the Cores, why is our biggest weakness pain, why do the kids keep calling me when they're getting hurt, and for all the wrong reasons, is this why it's so bloody hard for some of them to fight back? Because love is pain, and I'm tied to pain, and when they're euphoric from it they look for me? Not realizing that someone is using that pain as a bloody trapdoor to hurt them like I never, ever would?
Then they call for me again when it's over.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize." They're hysterical, terrified. They didn't understand or even freaking know what was going on. All they knew was that it hurt and in some way they thought it was worth it, only to be proved wrong.
Geez. I shouldn't be looking at this. The apathy is kicking in out of despair, don't you dare take away my compassion and anger. Don't you DARE.

God it hurts so bad because I KNOW, I know how bloody confused they are, I remember one time I found Jay totally debilitated, dazed and dissociated in a hack attempt and I flat-out hit him, I gave him real pain, and all of a sudden he snaps to attention, jumps away, runs to me. Scared out of his mind.
I'm rambling. It is so hard to type right now, I'm trying too hard. All I'm saying is that... blood is still the means of salvation here. The Retributors are still God's Angels if you want to put it that way. We're... heh, "we're" still important and holy here. We are. This... this is so bloody complicated but we're alive, and we care, God knows we love these people we protect and if anyone DARES say otherwise they've got a bone to pick with me.
Bottom line is I don't want to hit a kid, and really I think a lot of these kids are too freaking young to be tied to that association yet. Who can save them? Are they still afraid enough to save themselves? God I hope so, if not I'm telling Sugar and Wreckage to get the heck in there, me too for the record, I should tag along with them on their missions too.
But... it's the older ones, really it's the older ones that I'm personally the most worried about, because Sugar and Wreckage still work through violence, through brute force and that's really important up here but sometimes, the situations get really disturbing and twisted, and brute force doesn't do a thing. I know, I've tried. That's why I started carrying lanterns too. Sometimes the older ones are so messed up from pain already that you've gotta show them the light somehow. Talk them out of danger. Remind them who they are, what is happening, what they're worth... then drag them right outta there if they don't wake up within zero point three seconds. Because I'm not gonna stand by and monologue while someone's life integrity is in danger. Sometimes even a direct threat, those are rare but those are also when brute force works just as well so hey.
What am I talking about. I'm rambling again. Sorry, I'm really out of it today. Overlay isn't working so hot, the time and pain are making it tough too, lot of dissociation going on.

They're hacking the Leagueworlds again. That's unbearable. What do I do.
I can't handle seeing Jewel and Jay react to this, that's worse than anything I could feel on my own, that alone is reason to fight until my bones break for this cause. Anything to save those tears from running down their faces. Anything to keep them safe.

My heart is breaking. I can't deal with this. I might have to talk to someone.
Have a good night if I don't, it's all I can do for anyone right now is wish them the best. I'll do what I can.

 

 

 

 

Therapy on Thursday.

I didn't update as it happened (people wanted to ignore it)



numb fronter as we walked in, couldnt get them out at first
spice fronted for a WHILE, very angry
sherlock fronted momentarily
so did garrison
isadora tried but talking socially isnt her thing
jewel peeked in? left shortly
"jessica" writer girl fronted for a WHILE (NOT the brown "jess," no ties to chocoloco?)
clearly said "other people don't like when I get violent"
she hates the mother, that's her main thing. color feels vaguely indigo, like the one from 2008 or so
wreckage tried to come in, I think ashen was alerted
david did too I think

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:55 pm

 

 

Sometimes I think it's really dumb that I have to write down everything "bad" that happens so I can tell the therapist. I don't want to hold on to this stuff. But, I keep remembering that one phrase: "those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it." I can't help but feel that, stupid and ridiculous or not, that quote applies here. It's awful.

Sunday morning, I think, there was a dream hack. It was horrible. The pain in-dream was so excruciating that the body collapsed, and I remember almost passing out. I had fallen to the floor, in agony and delirious, and I was half-crazily praying to God to save me somehow. I thought I was dying.
Miraculously, that pain did NOT translate over to the physical body when we awoke. Thank God for that, really!! If it had translated I probably would have really died.

I know why it happened. Sleeping is painful lately, what with surgery recovery, and if we lie flat down it hurts even more. So, we have to carefully prop up the body in a way that won't make our limbs go numb, and will still allow us to breathe, without straining the abdomen so badly we can't get back out of bed easily afterwards (which will happen if we fall down flat). Anyway, since it is tricky, we usually wake up several times during the night hurting. We haven't been sleeping well in any case. There have been lots of nightmares.
Anyway. Sunday, we woke up around 6AM, only having about 5 hours of sleep so far. So we made the mistake of going back to sleep as the sun was rising.
Here's a note: sleeping during sunlight equals HACKS!!! I don't know why, but it's a constant. The "danger zone" happens whenever you try to sleep when it's light out. It's Plague stuff I think. Bad stuff. So we kind of feared it would happen, but what else could we do?

I'm standing here and the legs are covered in blood and I'm fine, but whoever was out before me definitely was not.
There's a problem lately: no emotions, but expression of emotions. Like, "I feel like I should be upset about this, or that it would be right to feel upset about this, but there's no actual feeling!" Like after hacks. You KNOW you're "upset," "sad," "angry," et cetera, but there's no actual emotion. It's an empty void, a blank space. There's nothing. There's just this "knowledge" that, even if you don't actually feel it, you know you aren't happy about this situation. And then someone fronts, and starts to try and scream or cry or something, but there are no emotions, and the second they stop it's poker face city. It's highly confusing and rather upsetting, to know that there should be an emotion there but there isn't.
Even worse, we still have those not-so-floating voices (alters?? the therapist is making us question a lot of things we took for granted or glossed over) who are full of hatred for anyone who shows "weakness or stupidity." There was a problem today; someone was eating as a "coping mechanism"-- the need to organize, to fix something, to clean something, to destroy something. It's all projected coping needs that we can't find a way to meet elsewhere, so it comes out unhealthily. But it was 5:05, and then the grandmother walks in, stops, smiles sadly/flatly at us, and says "You didn't make it."
Now she likely meant well. She knows we like to stop eating at 5PM every day, but sometimes we don't eat "breakfast" until 4PM so that makes things tricky, since we have to prepare the food that day too. So she meant, "it's after 5 already." But it hurt! What a way to say it! Why would you say it such a way?
Immediately the brain heard those words through the hurt. "You're still eating, you wretched thing?" "You failed." "There's a strict set of rules you must meet to be "good," and guess what? You didn't make it." In short, what we heard was, " You failed to do what was good and right, again. I'm disappointed in you, but I didn't expect anything different. You're a disgrace and a shame."
All I know is that this person's "appetite" bottomed out and immediately they wanted to burn every edible item in the kitchen. They fought off the urge to forcibly vomit out of shame right then and there, and walked out to sit on the porch in the cold, feeling utterly filthy and animalistic, like they no longer deserved to show their hedonistic face among human beings.
A few minutes later the grandmother stomps out onto the porch, sighing angrily, half-shouting. "What are you doing now? Stop being so ridiculous. Get back in here."
We tried to explain how we felt, to apologize for being such a humiliation, but she cut us off. "Oh, I don't want to hear this again! You've gotta stop that." Then as we went to walk in the door, she (unknowingly?) shut the door right in our face. There was a moment of shock-- dulled by the fact that we hadn't felt any emotions this whole time-- and then someone went and slumped against the chimney and tried to cry. Unfortunately, the feelings of self-horror and hatred were so potent, that one of those "floating alters" spoke up. "Shut the hell up, you faggot bastard!!!" That's the one that hates crying, and calls anyone who dares to cry because they're "sad" the most awful name they can imagine. They see crying as selfish, manipulative, and downright disgusting. In their eyes, people who cry are doing the emotional equivalent of grabbing someone forcibly by the face and dragging them in the direction you want them to go. It's profane emotional abuse, crying is, to them. So we aren't allowed to cry because it's "evil."
So that shut down, easily enough, because nothing was actually being felt… convincing us that we were "evil" and manipulative, because who else would cry without actually feeling sad? The only thing we felt was this ugly, corrosive, dirty feeling of wrongness, like we were trash, utter garbage, and did not deserve to be conscious.
We ended up back inside the house somewhere around there but the memory cuts out for about two, three hours around that time.
There's too much memory loss lately. It's scary. It's unbearable.


…I lit some candles for optimism, but the black one ended up overflowing like a volcano and spitting sludge all into the pink one, only. That's awful symbolism and it's scaring me a little.

There was a real hack, Sunday night I think. The same day of the dream hack as far as I know. It was in the living room, someone went into a trance from the red lights and that is all I know. We found the culprit, because they tried to attack Chaos and he freaked out, then it went after Genesis, but Infi showed up and neutralized it, so there's no hack data other than the initial "someone bad is here" shock of the culprit fronting and Wreckage realizing it. Yeah, she noticed and tried to kill it, I don't know how it kept going… lots of the hackers can. I think it's because they're on the "downstairs" level, that's not tied to the System at all. It's all Socials and faceless people and floaters. It's a very dangerous, very frightening, very primal level. J---bel and J----ca's kingdom. There's so much malice in those two names, it hurts. I don't want to write them.
So we think that person was "Eros." NOT the guy we've been calling by the name Upstairs, at least we don't think so. This is the guy from 2012, the REALLY EVIL one that caused the whole Celebi trouble in January. Yeah. The EVIL guy. We think it's him, because it feels very similar to what records we have of him, and it's not a good feeling. So we're being very careful.

The real problem is that he's not the only one!!! There's at least two girls, too. One is Anna, I don't remember/know what her deal is but she exists, we're well aware of her. Long straight blonde hair and all. BUT there's another girl-- at least we think it's a girl? maybe there are two-- which is one we've been hunting for AGES, and it's the one who hijacked Jay's heart affinity and turned it into the most dangerous horrific thing ever. She's not a good person, at all, not at all, her energy is unmistakable too and they've left EVIDENCE before, on our computer, that they exist. It's always scary to find evidence, we're not used to people fronting without permission or knowledge, especially bad people.

Oh! Before I forget. The therapist wants to know who writes. I'm a "girl," more like I have a female look and I'm a teenager. But gender is "ehh." I don't think about it much. Anyway I'm a girl and I'm young and I'm happy? I'm not sad, at least. I'm more like, unfazed. So that's it.

Back to typing so I don't slip, that happens a lot with self-awareness because the darker minds in the System don't want these new voices manifesting. (Sherlock here, momentarily. Give me a minute to hand the reins back, quietly.)

So. Bad hacker girl. We don't know who she is but she was apparently around tonight. No hack data again, just the instant of realizing "oh no oh no, someone was here," and then a time gap, and then standing in the bathroom with a huge bread knife in one hand and hysterically sobbing "there's not enough blood!!" Whoever that was. I don't know. But that person realized the "no emotions" problem because although they were wracked with tears and pain, there was-- again-- no emotion being felt, which shook them up.
They were staring at a washcloth full of blood and saying it looked like a murder scene. Then they wondered if we should go to the hospital, because "this wasn't normal," they had lost so much time and they didn't know what day it was and this was no way to live, it was unbearable.
Then there's a somewhat different memory? An instant of someone leaning against the doorframe and laughing deliriously, staring at the wrists and saying "I could end this right now!" It was the sudden realization that we had a really sharp knife and we were really hopelessly distraught and it would be SO quick to just… end it all. Instantly. But something made them change their mind, because that person disappeared and then there's another time gap… yada yada yada. It keeps happening like that and it's not fun.

Anyway. They "couldn't reach God" and every time they tried to ask "do you love me" "do you forgive me" etc., the damned floating voices would jump in and lie and say "no," over and over, making the fronter feel trapped in hell and unsaveable.
Then Infi showed up. All I know is that Infinitii showed up and said "I love you," making it very clear that they weren't ignorant of the situation even so. I don't know what happened after that, I can't see it, just that ze and the fronter (did Jay come in? no? somebody else.) were talking for a little bit and now I'm here? Typing? Geez. It's 9:25 PM. The last time we remember looking at a clock it was 8:25 or so, in the kitchen, putting the knife back in the sink. Geez. And getting matches for the candles.
Someone was standing on a chair to do that (the matches are on top of the fridge) and saying (with no small amount of disgust and shame) that they felt "lonely," that they "never had any friends" because to them, a REAL friend was someone that you didn't HAVE to talk to when you were upset like this. A REAL friend would understand, and just sit with you if you just needed company, to be assured someone else kind was there for protection and compassion, who wouldn't want to chat emptily or do small talk. Which is stupid, and which is what all almost-"friends" would force us to do in the past. Real close friends talk about real close things. And we never had that, but we needed We never got close to anyone really, they never wanted to be close and it hurt. We only ever had… let me count. AMG, AAA, CL, SD maybe, BP, BD almost, Angelbee, and that's it. Seven people who were near-friends, and of all those, only ONE of them (CL) EVER treated us like one. CL treated us like a sibling, there's precious little memory of that time period of life and the only real snapshot we have is of walking across the playground with her, and she was just so happy to be with us that this surge of real honest love welled up in us, like the love you'd have for a dear friend or sister, and it was one of the first real things we ever felt. CL left us for good a few months later, but… that was real, and honest. It's worth noting that this was approximately the same life-time period that Jezebel evidenced during, so the forces were already in opposition. Ugh. Anyway, yeah. Seven people, two of them who were only "cool acquaintances," three of them who were borderline abusive, and one of them (AAA) who was never really an "official" friend (i.e. she would talk to us often but we never hung out or did stuff together) but who we adored nevertheless, as you know. So yeah, we were lonely. Are lonely, I guess, if this evening's admittance by who-knows-who was honest enough.
We did have internet friends, I guess? I forgot. They've fallen into the "lost years," the ones scrubbed dry by programming or trauma or whatever. We don't remember them at all; whoever befriended them is LONG gone and did not leave any first-person memories that we can find. But that's not relevant now, and that stuff physically hurts to look for.
Where was I. Oh yeah. After that hack, and bleeding all over the bathroom (we got really dizzy, not sure if it was from blood or stress or whatever, but it was a little worrisome), and losing even more time, and wanting to throw up, and feeling utterly isolated, yeah we were kind of lonely. We were unplugged from headspace too, and to be honest I don't know if that helped or hindered the situation? There is a LOT of hate for headspace on the downstairs level, with the socials and other faceless fronters, because to them "headspace" is synonymous with "the world and people that only exist because of hacking." In other words, "headspace is a living reminder of hell, and as far as we are concerned, its very presence promotes more suffering and pain." So the socials HATE headspace, and will deny/ slander/ curse/ try to annihilate it at every opportunity. Sadly, because of that split, there's no way to get help from headspace (someone just shouted "we don't want it!!"). Well, there you go. Don't shoot the messenger, guys, I'm just typing. ("For who?") For anyone, I'm just keeping records of this so we can actually deal with this trouble with the therapist maybe, and keep it from ever happening again.

I hope. We wish. This has been going on for 7 years, plus-- no, longer than that, almost 10 now. We aren't sure. When did the hacks really start? So much time is gone, but so many of us are so young, we can't tell.
We keep forgetting about "childhood trauma" too. We laugh at it, actually. It feels like all fairy tales, like some scary story made up to make other children behave. We don't remember having a childhood. Our memory doesn't "start" until 8th grade, really. 2003, going into 2004, that's when headspace put down its first "roots," even though Jewel manifested years prior, and others (Julie, Jezebel, etc.) even earlier. Still, all of that feels foggy and vague, almost like a prologue, or something slightly off-kilter. "Solid" memory, the "beginning," is in the 8th grade classroom. 2003, let's say. And then time disappears for several years, and the next thing we have a "solid" memory of is 2011 or so. Is it? Did Cannon leave any solid memories? No?
It's weird. Cannon and Glissando both were at MU, that awesome university, but although their memories are very clear, it's nevertheless fogged-up by the third-person viewpoint. It feels… vague. Like we were asleep from 2004 to 2008, and began waking up slowly. There's little data until closer to 2009, I think? And then it's gone AGAIN, because whoever was on dA for the "OCT period" (the short-haired kid here) is TOTALLY missing from all our records, we have NO clue who they were. Then 2010 was Utah, which was only know from data because there's NO actual data of that…

You know what, let me do that. It's 10PM, we're going to bed at 11 today because 1) although I would LOVE to stay up and type, it is NOT safe to sleep during the daylight!!! so 11PM is now the set bedtime, and 2) we're going to accompany the grandmother tomorrow morning at 8 to do family shopping and go to her bloodwork place. Any time we get to go in a car is gold. Cars are BEAUTIFUL. They are blessed spaces on wheels. Every car ever is a safe place, a sanctuary, and we love them. We can talk to them too, a little, like Kit in Young Wizards. Serafina (the PT) talks to us the most; she does not like when people hit potholes and she doesn't like when people say she's "not as good" as Bethany (the Suzuki). So she's kind of moody. But we're nice to her, we really do love her, and she's warming up to us more. Bethany we don't get to talk to often (we don't get to drive her much) but I'm curious, and kind of scared, to try. She's been in several accidents and there has been at LEAST one massively horrifying hack while IN her, poor thing. We haven't even listened to that file yet.


…Okay, I just had to leave the computer for a second and NOW all the terrible sadness and hopelessness is settling in. How do we deal with that? Just meditate all the time?
To be honest, that's why we haven't been meditating. It's… when we do, we don't want to stop. We'd unplug from reality and meditate for like six hours a day if we could. Is that detrimental? Is it "good" to totally dissociate from the physical realm that often, that totally? "Be in the world, but not of it," they say, but for God's sake we don't know HOW to be "in it" at this point, most Buddhas weren't "mentally ill" as far as we know, and it hurts like a crushed heart to hear people say "well mental illness isn't real” because sure, we know that all this suffering is ephemeral, but then…
I don't know. What about the PTSD, then? What about the D.I.D.? Are they saying that "oh, your PTSD isn't real" even if someone was raped, or caught in an explosion, or something equally horrid? It's hard to find the fine line. On one hand, there's awareness that this life is temporary, and all the horrors we may endure here are equally so… and on the other hand, there's the awareness that this life is still valid, right? It's still real in some way, right? And… is it wrong to be scared, when something scary happens to you?
I don't know. This drives me mad, especially because it's the REASON why we aren't feeling emotions anymore!! SO many people have said "your emotions are just knee-jerk reactions to stimuli that don't really exist!" and glorified "detachment" and "emptiness" that we have scraped out our soul and now we don't know HOW to live in this world because we just want to meditate all day. We're in pain and we can't even feel it because these people keep saying it's not real.
Bullshit. BULLSHIT. "You have to accept suffering before you can transcend it." That means stop kicking this under the rug and let us HEAL for God's sake, we're scared and we're frightened and we're sad and lonely and confused and angry and you just keep doing that stupid "SMILE (☺)" reaction and acting like we're just poor fools!!! Well maybe we are, but that puts us right in with every other beaten and kicked child in the world. Would you just "SMILE" at a five-year-old whose mother just whacked them in the face out of pure malice, and who was crying bitterly as a result? "Don't cry child, she's not really your mother! The pain isn't really real! (Smile!)" FCK YOU.
I am so sorry. FCK YOU.


That too. That freaking mother. "WRITE A BOOK!!! WRITE A BOOK!!! HERE HERE'S ANOTHER PUBLISHING COMPANY TO CONTACT!! HERE'S ANOTHER WRITERS GROUP TO ATTEND!!! BLA BLA BLA!!!!!!!!"
Fck off, FCK OFF, STOP.
Everyone wants me/us/whatever to "write a book." WHAT BOOK!??!?
What the hell do you want us to write????? What are you expecting????
There's our personal chronicles, these Archives, sure we could TRY to write a book out of them, we'd LOVE to actually, but that's NOT EASY, ESPECIALLY when every two seconds you're telling me IT'S FAKE, IT'S BULLSHIT, GET OVER IT, STOP ACTING LIKE THAT, STOP SAYING THAT, ET CETERA.
I wouldn’t BE saying things if I wasn't FEELING them. I'm trying to be HONEST. Would you rather I lie??
I don't know. I don't know. I WANT to write this in a book and put it out there but it HURTS, damn it it HURTS and it's terrifying to look back and see that there's NOTHING for YEARS, God help us how can we write anything if there's so much empty space and unanswered questions??? I don't know. I don't know.
And then there's Dream World, Jewel's magnum opus or however you'd call it. She's terrified because so many people have ripped that story right out of her heart and tried to mangle it into their own liking. It's been so horribly corrupted, she can't see half the characters anymore, she can't find the timeline after 2003 right now, right where ours stops. She cries about it a lot, how all she wants to do is share that story, her love and joy, our hope, and yet it's been so battered. She's scared, that she might not be able to get it right in time, or the right way, or something. But we all feel her fear, more of a wrenchingly awful bottomless mourning, and it makes our situation all the more depressing.

Ugh. This entry is going places I don't want it to go. Where was I. Cars.
Not going to talk about that hack file. It's an hour long and I know Wreckage talked on it and so did the veil-person (the purple one) and Julie maybe? I don't know, I don't want to think about it, there's a potent jagged aura around that entire event that is horrifying to look at, sorry to keep using that word but it's the only one with a "vibe" that fits the feeling I'm trying to express. Horror is different from terror, and fright, and fear. You get the picture, I hope.
Cars. We're going in one tomorrow. I'll type again when I get home, maybe.
I wanted to list memory bits, for the sake of having that data written down somewhere, and also for the therapist. Oh, plus she has us doing this thing, let's start a new paragraph for that, I mentioned it earlier.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow. Okay, so the therapist asked us, "who does what in your System?" But she meant on the outside. And we DON'T KNOW. It was very jarring, kind of existentially nauseating, scary, to realize that we don't know who does half this stuff, and the more questions she asked the more shaken-up we got until we almost felt like crying from shock but nothing happened. We're losing so much time and we NEVER REALIZED IT until she started asking things we never would have considered asking ourselves.
"Who eats" is tricky enough, Emmett should be the one eating but that's been very rare over the past few months. We don't know who eats lately, but so many people are tied to pain and purging and maintenance that it's a little easier to get a grip on that.
But then she asked, "who cooks? Who cleans? Who does finances? Who goes to the doctor? " etc. We have absolutely no idea. And as we looked, hoping to find answers, we found that there was no data. We don't know who cooks or cleans or does finances or goes to the doc because for the most part, there's NO MEMORY OF THOSE THINGS. There's some vague "location" data, of course, the eyes are always seeing… but as for actual conscious stuff? Movement, talking, choices? None. There's nothing. And THAT'S scary.
She asked who exercised. We mentioned that weird faceless beige-tan guy who showed up last summer on the elliptical, and who keeps flickering in and out. But we also mentioned that exercise is dangerous, TERRIBLY dangerous, and the reason why we were out of shape for years is that originally we couldn't exercise without getting hacked. Which was bad. Running outside is safe but we can't do that until our surgery heals.
"Who writes, who does art, who does music," she asked. Another worrisome question. Creativity was always very separate from our System in order to protect it, because if hacks/ etc. ever touched the Leagueworld stuff, we'd die. Quite literally. Everything would go to hell. So no one in our System did art, except Jewel, who broke off from us during the lost years. Razor tried but couldn't tap in. We have some musicians, notably Glissando, but Nienna and Zwei like to sing and Einsatz likes to listen. Problem is, for unknown reasons music is also tied to mania, so we are actually terrified to play the piano anymore because then that one girl comes out and goes nuts, and her energy signature is like a circuit breaker shorting out, blowing up. She's dangerous and we do not like her. She's part of why we stopped singing for over a year once the dysphoria got bad. It would trigger her and then things would-- again-- go to hell. And hacks would happen in her wake too! So that wasn't good either. Writing, though, that's our field now… sadly, for some part, as Jewel lives to write and she hasn't in a very long time. We used to have a poet, we don't know where they went. We lost a lot of our writers, actually. Those of us who write in the Archives… we''re a different breed. This is just talking onto paper. I'm one, Simeon is listed, one girl who "hates the mother" and goes by "Jess" because she can't find another name. She spoke here for a bit before, her energy sticks. Jay types, Laurie has typed before, not often but she has. Sherlock types. Mulberry did once, I can see the text in my mind. But yeah. That was an easier question to answer.
"Who does self-care," the therapist asked. No one. Cannon put a stop to it in 2009 or so, with the dysphoria and hacks and atonement, and since then it's been very bad, minimal really. Bathrooms in general are hack-places and we don't like spending longer in one than we have to.
"Who went to school," was the last question. Cannon, that we know. She took the one art class, that unannounced decided to make her do figure drawing. And all hell broke loose. AGAIN. It's ridiculous how often that has happened. Where is it coming from?? Why??
But we don't know who else was at the first college, other than Glissando, who was only there to sit at her laptop and write music. Spinny got in the way there sometimes, but she was manic and negative and not really a "person." We don't know who went to the second college. We don't know who went to high school or elementary school. Blame the social interaction, I guess, or at least the threat of it. Thank God we were ignored for the most part!

I can't type anymore. Apparently my attitude is detrimental? Or at least not nice, or fitting. It's "rude" without meaning to be rude is what I'm getting. Sorry guys. I'm out of here.

We'll write the memory data down tomorrow, when we have appropriate time. Now is too late.
I cannot tell you much else for tonight; there is a pervading sadness and helpless frustration that is being exacerbated by the heat in this room and the company here. I do not want to mire in this mindset so I am going to attempt to unplug the mind for as long as possible to allow it to heal. Good night.




…Hold up, no. Don't end this yet.
This is Jay. I usually show up at the end, sorry for that, but it feels fitting.
Knife just walked up to me, in tears, asking "what happened," and I just felt… more complete, more whole than I have in… I want to say "years," but it's probably just days. Days are becoming mini-lifetimes by now, in any case.
But there he was, crying, knowing there was pain, asking where all the blood came from, what happened?? We looked, it wasn't bad actually, nothing deep like Razor does, nothing major. But it had happened, that fact alone was heartbreaking. Knife said Julie was totally distraught, and honestly guys I am not surprised, because I saw her sitting by herself after that hack on Sunday, and the look on her face just ached to see. It was grim, determined, almost too stoic to decipher-- but there was this knowing in her eyes and a pain in her posture that I understood too well. She hasn't forgotten what brought her to where she is now. She knows what happens with hacks. And they are still happening. That look was something I can't put into words, but it broke my heart to see it, and God knows I want this to stop just as much as she does.
But then there's the lack of emotion. There it is, the Plague. It sneaks into my confetti-colored head and it smiles, and it tries to make me believe that it's fine that hacks are happening, why do you care? It's not real, who cares! Except I'm re-reading Young Wizards and that thing feels way too much like the Lone Power.
Oh. About that. Yesterday I power-read through the entirety of High Wizardry, which we originally read over a decade ago, and which there was only the faintest recognition of. The last chapter was a roller coaster of an experience, and the last 20 pages or so had me in legitimate tears. I will not spoil it for you (good Lord go read it) but I will say that I actually had to stop, two or three times, because there was such powerful relevance to headspace and I kept thinking Infi, Infi, this is all Infinitii's message-- and when I closed the book around 1AM ze was there, and I was a mess, and I cannot forget what happened in those first moments.
I was crumpled up in a corner somewhere, in headspace, in a bright place of white light… but miserable. The final chapter of the book had forced me to realize just how much awfulness was in me, in our collective self-- all the selfishness, the bitterness, the dishonesty, the rage, every derivation of negative death, every contribution to entropy. I saw it all and I felt every regret we had and it ripped through me like a blade and I was devastated, I couldn't bear it. I ended up in that corner, wanting to just disappear, ashamed to exist with all that trailing me, us. And then something velvet-black against the light walked over, paused, looked down with something untranslatable in its many eyes, and said: "Jay.
You do realize, I know all of those things, completely?"
I did realize, and the aching shame was unendurable. I said nothing.
"I still love you."
I looked up then, self-hatred and disbelief coloring me bitter.
"How could you?"
At that, Infinitii's expression softened, just a little, just enough.
"How could I not?"
So that was that.
Sorry I can't quite do it justice. We spoke for a bit after that and it felt so entirely cathartic I was shocked; I couldn't remember the last time this chest felt so clear.

Here are some other bits of data the other writers here forgot to/ didn't know about to mention--
- I knew I was in trouble Sunday morning but the body was so exhausted we had no choice but to sleep. I went to Javier's room and slept there hoping he could help protect me, but apparently when I sleep I get "yanked out" of headspace and so he was helpless. He also was not at fault, which I had to emphasize when I returned and he was almost hysterical with misplaced remorse.
- Lynne slept over in my room on Saturday night I think? Just for fun, as I'd been talking to her all that day and anyway I miss the platonic closeness I used to have with everyone. So that was nice.
- I was also talking to Kyanos on Saturday night, as we did our nightly walk. His eyes glow, he does have stained-glass wings, which he said settled in after he was assigned his surname (Kathedrikos).
- I'm trying to tap into people's energy fields again, upstairs. Scent is the easiest as it's the most ethereal, so I'm starting there. Lynne is still rosin/ violin wood/ peaches, while Laurie is still blood/ steel/ lightning. There's also this odd subtle "vibe" to them both that I found interesting-- kind of how for a lot of people, the smell of homemade bread has a "vibe" of comfort and security, due to associations with that sort of environment. Lynne, unsurprisingly, has the vibe of our old violin music school-- comforting and bright, but warm and safe, without feeling "stagnant" like a home. There was a slight bright edge of excitement to it, the knowledge that you were "on the road" but that place was a safe haven in the meantime. Lots of warmth. Laurie, though, has this somewhat personal vibe of protection, again unsurprisingly. But I say "personal" in that Lynne's vibe is more "expansive," like it feels bigger, while Laurie's is very contained, just me and her really, without being "too close." It's basically the knowledge that she's got your back, elaborated into something that feels, oddly, just as "at home" as Lynne does in a different way. Just wanted to mention that.
- Marigold smells like marigolds, the bright warm summery kind. David smells like a blanket (a very cute scent actually) and freshly fallen snow (which surprised me). I can't tune into Jeremiah's field yet-- he's too reticent, which is understandable and okay. Kyanos is-- as he was-- fresh morning air with a late note of honey. Nathaniel smells like a tree. It's hilarious. It's extremely subtle; leaves don't have much of a scent as-is but it's unmistakable. And there's this over-scent I cannot place, something very fine and silvery, delicate stuff. It's not mint, there was some once but there's none now. Leon, though, has this unusual smell of something like brass? I briefly tuned in and I got that vibe-- not the sharp metallic scent some metals have, but this oddly warm and golden tune. And there's something over it that's either vanilla or frankincense and I cannot tell. It's really interesting, as I haven't "checked" on anyone's energy like this in a while and it's amazing to see how it varies over time, with people. Lastly, though, I am happy to report that Knife is still all woodsmoke, but I'm thinking that odd sweet-rich undertone is actually roses, like old dried roses or something. I don't know. It's been ages since I last smelled one but I'll have to find one now, see if the data matches up. Anyway that's that, sorry for the rambling but this is really fascinating to me and I value it.

I tend to get larger blocks of residual data than others, and I'm present for Upstairs stuff typically, so there you go. It is important to write this down. Attention gives power. Attention needs to go to us.

There's a lot that still needs to be written (especially about therapy last week, which I'm working on, and the "memory list" we apparently need to write? oh, and a list of "safe places" for therapy this week) but I'm starting to get slippery. It's late anyway, we need sleep.

I haven't read a jot of this entry at the time of posting this, so I apologize if there's anything unfinished or in need of editing… I have no idea who wrote what, as usual. But I'm glad something was written.

We'll try again tomorrow. Here's to that.