prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with taureia

HAPPY THANKSGIVING WE DIDN'T DIE LAST NIGHT AND WE REFUSE TO GO UP THAT BLOODY HOUSE TODAY

Bathroom before church=
Me GUTTING Taureia and Infi EATING her guts
"Don't look"

Later talking to Infi about it =
"I refuse to gobble things up like she does"
Eating with reverence and gratitude EVEN SO, notably REFUSING to go into "monster form" to eat it.
Transmuted through FORGIVENESS
Purified to its true essence = hunger and delight oriented TOWARDS GOD in gratitude and joy, NOT selfish lust
Infi ALSO REFUSED to "spit it up" like she does. This was RED energy, viscera, inherently holy, even when she had corrupted it.

Church, the Eucharist, is all I want and need today.
Thats my home. Thats my food. I'm happy.

For the first time in our life, we blocked our mothers phone number. It's only for today. But it was the only way to keep the peace between us today.

Black Friday sale means WE SAVED $40 ON RESTOCKING ULTIMA TODAY, THANK YOU GOD

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I've realized that reading Lamentations– ESPECIALLY while eating–
is actually a subtle form of self abuse. It's incredibly triggering and brings up a lot of trauma memories. So even though, being Scripture, It is intrinsically edifying and worthy of reading, now is not the prudent time to do so. That book is something we need to read when we're DONE eating and we have time to reflect and TYPE ABOUT IT especially.

So today we return to the New Testament.
I actually think I want to FINALLY finish Second Corinthians because it's been MONTHS. It feels like it's very relevant regardless– Lord knows we need His consolation now more than ever.

1230. saturday.

today lasted like... five years, what the heck
i apologize for this mess of an entry as a result but it really was ALL ONE DAY

morning run. YES THAT WAS TODAY.
830AM NOTES on that =

Sunrise, pink and cold and beautiful.
Genesis running alongside us at first, making sure we were ok.
Talking to Laurie, lucky penny comment. Then FOUND one
Food lion. Her whistling for attention at reduced rack, check our focus.
Got called SIR on the way out!
Had a dollar left, went to gas station
Penny in lot
Decided we wanted a TAMALE
Sweet old dude paid for it for us!
So we got Wreckage a DONUT
Walking home: "Ahrima?" Laurie, Wreckage, Jeremiah, Maverick
Minty seeing the rocker bunny on the track, torn
Church & breakfast plans. Mav & Wrex talking colors. Echo Lalia there too, no voice of her own readily?
So so happy.
NEED to do this regularly.

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THIS EVENING =

eating trouble.
we made two omelettes for dinner, and then a night meal, BUT. we realized the trouble here.
1. still seeing food as art. didn't WANT to make two. but DID want to MAKE SOMETHING.
2. so many different people fronting.

we think "taureia" is the name of that DAEMON???
tied to the girl who ONLY comes out to binge in order to purge; triggered by fear. she's a failsafe???

versus rupture.

Blue girl = COMPULSION W/ fam expectations??
Food, grandkids, etc. PANICKED obedience, forced, utter denial of any self-honesty

noticed today, the girl angry at murphy is NOT the angry brown jess OR triple
she's MENTIONED IN 2015 i think.

"i'm not a good nousfoni"

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AMOR ET SACRIFICIUM = ribbons!!!!!!
SELF LUMINOUS

Formshift cores, like jewels. EXPLORE.
Apprenticeship, heartspace, leaguespace, outspace
OUR "NEODYMIUM"

"SXUALITY" COLORS. from old entries. different vibes & applications, never explained.
black, red, pink, Cerise. ORANGE?
FEEL OUT AND DESCRIBE

HEART TOUCHES ARE SAFE AND HOLY AGAIN!!!
(YOU NOT DISCONNECTED)

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the heaviest thing today = talking about sxuallity with the arrows, on messenger.
our moral stance + daemons + trauma, and their innocent human painless experience.
both of us discussing childhood with this.

trigger warning for discussion of sexual topics, including abuse/trauma

what we remember offhand:

Childhood= baths with brother, anatomy difference. Naturally fascinated by difference, parents would NOT talk about this. Passively treated us like a threat to them.
We were weirdly obsessed for a while? Bizarrely, NO conception of our own bodies femaleness? Not sure why.
Obsessed with this???

Childlike gender thoughts: girls wore pink ribbons or had eyelashes, boys didn't.

When did the Julie trauma start?
It has SUPER EARLY ROOTS.

First direct instance: in that godforsaken bathroom, age 12, 13? Feel SO young, but not a child. Remembering, with great fear, hearing Someone talking about how "sex is the best feeling" or something? Praising it as this sublime thing. Terrified, tentatively touched our body there. Immediate sensation shocked and shook us. Nearly cried from this "betrayal," quickly reclothed, thinking "how could Anyone want That," tore door open and immediately memory blacks out. I assume we hid in our room and shook and cried, felt existentially wrecked. No idea Who holds that, but I know they exist.

No clear memory of When Julie started, but l Clear memory of Fearing her. Leaving 6th grade classroom, mentally JEWEL, dreamspace situation to cope with/ feel & reason out fearful situation possibilities. Imagining being in some public place like a restaurant or bar, but in a side hall where we couldn't be seen, felt isolated and trapped? Cerise intimate vibe but Corrupt. Guys AND girls (ratio??) trying to "get with us." NOTABLE ABUSIVE MANNERISMS. We had NO conception of healthy flirting OR relationships? Literally EVERYONE in those imaginings saw us as an object. "You're pretty, I want to have sex with you, then never see each other again." But that sex was Also Going to be traumatic. THEREFORE, JULIE WOULD SWITCH OUT. Literally. Our BIGGEST FEAR at that age was someone Actually hitting on us, our panicked terror making us Shut Down, and Julie being triggered out to "fight fire with fire." (That feels weirdly tied to our family teachings? Think on this.) So she'd play along, lasciviously flirting right back, and then when they inevitably ended up in bed, she'd Destroy them. Instead of them using us, she'd use Them, and then some. Our brain Never wanted to, or could, imagine what would happen To that victim afterwards. That, too, speaks volumes as to Julie's mindset-- AND OURS-- back then: there Was no after. If We had just experienced that, we'd be dead. So we/Julie both, for different reasons, failed to comprehend the very idea of After. But she took it in that there were no lasting consequences to what she did... because of dissociation. That's how WE worked. So we projected. But even then, we Knew that it was wrong, and it WOULD continue in the physical, albeit almost incredulously. (We struggled to imagine Time after rape.) And the thought of that made us avoid any and all sexual threats.

(left unfinished. this is too disturbing to talk about anymore)

I want to stay awake forever.

Why do we lose so much of Ollie's worknights by dissociating and bingeing? Why?

Taureia was out again today, eating grits (with sugar and oil; the body is obviously craving calories but that is a very unwise choice), and Chaos 0 showed up ghosting to ask her to stop, please, telling her that "this has consequences" and that the body was going to get very sick when she was done, as it always does from sugar and oil, as it has been proven time and time again for years now.
Her response?
"I'll never stop. This is all there is. There's nothing after."
APPARENTLY, for socials like her who ONLY come out in certain situations, they LITERALLY CANNOT FATHOM THE CONCEPT OF "CONSEQUENCES" because, as far as their memory and experience says, their current situation is ALL THERE EVER WAS AND ALL THERE EVER WILL BE.
So Taureia will eat enough food to suffocate a body without realizing that it will, solely because she's ONLY ever fronted to EAT. She's NEVER seen or known or felt what her actions DO to the body.

There's still 10 more days in the month until we get paid, and 5 days until Mason & Ollie get paid, so we have like... $100, maximum, for the next week. Which is totally fine, AS LONG AS WE RESPECT THAT.
All our eating-disorder-suffering socials need to realize that their actions are hurting OTHER people OUTSIDE of the System, if they can't realize yet that their actions are and have always hurt the System and our shared body as well.
On that note! Chaos was telling Taureia that, too. "You're eating too much, and you're eating things that make us sick, and that's very unkind/ abusive/ etc. to the rest of us that share this body."
Her response? "You don't share this body, I'm the only one in it."
"Right now, yes, but when you leave, other people live in it, and what you do to it now is going to affect them too."
I think her response was the infamous social reply of "no it won't, because I'm the only one doing this/ They don't have to do what I do/ etc." Not realizing that they don't exist in a vacuum, not realizing that the body EXISTS, and can be AFFECTED by what they do.
However, Chaos told her to stay, and she did-- and suddenly, violently, the body couldn't tolerate her actions anymore. It started hiccuping, our stomach began to hurt, the nausea and pain slammed back into us, and she was NOTABLY confused and scared, "why is this happening, this doesn't make sense," etc. She forced down the rest of the food, while telling Chaos "this shouldn't be happening," visibly shaken. She began to be pushed out of fronting almost immediately, and the next thing I remember is TOBIKO hunched over the toilet, vomiting it up. "Get the poison out." She's so calm about it, in a sad way. Like Ohmiette. Geez. Poor kids. But they've saved our lives so many times before. Tobiko quite literally. E.D. socials don't realize that food can kill us, if eaten wrongly. The ones that used to eat enough sugar to put us into shock, or who used to eat out of the garbage or trash heap, or who used to eat foods that our body straight up could NOT tolerate for medical reasons, or who used to eat enough to cause pain so severe we thought we would die... NONE of them gave ANY thought TO those consequences, because they "DON'T EXIST" IN THOSE CONSEQUENCE SITUATIONS.

I like not having cash though. I LIKE not giving those poor toxic-but-healing-gradually socials (and they ARE) any dangerous wiggle room to make bad choices, when they buy things based on fear or obligation or compulsion or concept or ignorance in any other sense. I know they're trying. I know they're only doing what they think is right, what WAS right for them up to this point, in the sense of "right" meaning "matching their function," and their functions being how they helped us survive at some point, even if both that function and the survived situation were both horrifically toxic as well. But they ARE healing. I've seen it. I know it will continue. But, we have to be prudent. Until they learn and grow more, they cannot be trusted with money. And as long as they keep shoving us out of fronting due to "survival panic," then NONE of us can have more than a minimum amount of cash on hand at all times.
On another note, I like... "relying" on Oliver and Mason for food and care. It's making us less secretive, more trusting, more open and honest, less panicky, less demanding, less compulsive. It's a VERY needed step in our healing process. We just have to continue to be patient and loving, and teach the socials how to do so.
I was telling Oliver that last night. Our socials, for the most part-- which is scary-- DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE. I am dead serious. Since they had to survive in environments where love and affection and softness and closeness were downright condemned and rejected and punished and vilified, their functions quite literally warped to NOT be loving. Which, again, is terrifying, but it CAN CHANGE. Look at Julie. Look at the Jessicas. Look at Jason, even. And so many others, too, are learning! I see it every day, even in tiny glimpses. Even today, with Taureia. She, for a moment, LEGITIMATELY realized that her actions ARE affecting others, and that is the first step towards learning empathy, and care, and compassion, and healing. Like Eleanor in The Good Place! She spent her WHOLE LIFE being brutally selfish and once she got to heaven and GRADUALLY started to care for others, to see the good in them, to see them as just as worthy as being cared for as herself, well... then she gradually began to release her toxic behavior and BE the truly good person she ALWAYS had the ability to be at heart. So it is with our socials.
Love is key. Love is ALWAYS the key.
But... you'll notice, Eleanor needed to be cared for first. She had to learn what love felt like, from others, even in tiny ways.
Our socials need to BE LOVED before they can ever truly give love to others. Which means that if we slack off in that, if we let them continue their complex and painful and globally vital healing processes alone, struggling and unsure, they won't get very far. Nor will any of us, as we are all in this together, as literally and intimately as possible. What one does affects the all. What one feels affects the all. This is EVERYONE'S battle, and we ALL know that brute force is useless here. Our toxic homestead proved that. Years of internal wars proved that. Laurie can tell you all about beating swords into plowshares, and this is why. The ONLY way our socials are going to heal, and all of us with them, is if we HELP them, by loving them unconditionally, and guiding and supporting and caring for them through this, IN this, actively, as much as we possibly can.
The signs in the kitchen are helping. Everyone who ghosts is helping. Every little reminder that "hey, you're part of a System!" helps. Every sudden calling to someone inside helps, even Mason saying the name of a different Laurie and immediately catching the attention of ours.
And yes, the socials fight. They fight hard, tooth and nail, driven by anger and indulgence and selfishness and uncaring. They don't see any further than their own faces. They don't love yet. But love is the core of ALL existence, them included, and so it is INEVITABLE that they WILL learn how. We just have to help them in that. We have to TEACH them, by giving an example, by EXPLAINING ourselves. You can't just tell an E.D. social to stop eating, or to eat, or to drink, or to stop drinking, or any other thing, if they genuinely think you are HURTING them. If they exist because their disordered behavior was a SURVIVAL method at some point, however twisted, then trying to stop them cold turkey is going to fail spectacularly. No, you have to show them the big picture, explain the situation, the source and the consequence and the present effects, you have to give them alternatives, you have to listen to their needs, you have to work WITH them. Sometimes you have to let them learn by experience. It's a messy process, it takes time, and it's scary. But it is mandatory for our healing. It is the most important thing we can do right now. And it will ONLY succeed if we do it with love.
I cannot emphasize that enough.

Now, it's almost 4am and we only have 3 hours until Oliver comes home but we're wide awake and I just... I miss this, desperately. I miss this so much. I miss typing, and reading, and existing in these early hours. Listening to music and forgetting about daily life when the sun rises.
I've discovered an album called "A Trip to Soda Island" and it is utter perfection. It predominantly has that chill-sweet vibe that we adore, perfect for reflective typing and deep mental relaxing, and it's so nice. It feels like early morning sunlight, or late night starlight. Both at once.
And then of course, there's a few tracks with sheer black buzzing synths and that just makes that phrase even more applicable, haha.

I'm looking forward to the morning though.
I know Mason is cooking. We won't touch anything on our own; we're tired of fighting after today. We're going to relax and not worry and enjoy everything we're blessed to be able to participate in. Practice letting go of control-panic, the fear that if we aren't directing the situation, someone's going to hurt us. Not anymore! Ironically, it's currently the opposite. We need to let go and let love in. Just learn to relax, to live life without feeling like there's a countdown timer on every minute. We don't get that at night, which is why we need to get locked into this computer earlier than midnight for heavens sakes.
But there's another time that time becomes blissful, and that's when we're just lying together with the Broken Arrows. Either late at night, or early in the morning. And-- what a profound blessing-- we get to experience the latter every single morning. EVERY morning. No matter what, we get to lie in sheer perfect sunlit peace with a fellow System who adores us, not needing to go anywhere or do anything, not needing to be anything or say anything. All we have to do is be love, be ourselves. All we need to do is lie there tangled up in each others arms and legs and hearts and just rest. Just breathe, and sleep, and be. Life, pure and simple. We need it like the very blood in our veins.

Our body still feels somewhat sick. We know it's half from poor food choices, half from stress. But this too shall pass, a phrase which we adore and forgot about, but which we need to remember always, in good and bad times. Everything is both finite and infinite. Death makes life precious. Life makes death precious. Dear Lord I miss typing like this. But I need to stay myself, too. The old "LJ typer" girl keeps wanting to front instead, but she unfortunately is infamous for never truly feeling the depth of things. She, like Ahrima, will talk up a storm with pretty words and "what you're supposed to say," fooling everyone but those who can feel their motivations. And I will not condemn them, either. That's their function. But they, too, need to learn how to feel true empathy and love and care for others. So many of us don't, it's honestly frightening to realize. But that's my job. I'm the Core; my literal function is to love.
We have so many entries due to be written, honestly. They need to happen, inbetween archiving nights. Even if we just type on our phone. We need to continue to entwine headspace with bodyspace. The two need to become united, wed, harmonized. That's the only way any of us will ever be able to truly live here or anywhere. THAT'S how we'll ALL learn how to truly love-- by learning to truly love this physical form and world as well as our inner universe. They were never mutually exclusive, and my heart breaks to realize how we would have sworn they were for years, due to being lied to.
But we know the truth. We feel it deeper than any falsehood can ever reach.

That's all I have to say for tonight. Ollie will be home in about a half hour, and we don't want to waste any time in joining them.
See you all later today. We love you.

wednesday sept 6 11:00pm

woke up at like 4pm.

went to store. huge shopping order.

MET OHMIETTE!!
talking to jay, laurie, and wreckage as they made food.

morning cereal binge ATTEMPT. didn't happen though!

Xenophon intercessor role with socials

COLOR REALMS DON'T HAVE TO ADHERE TO "EXPECTED REALITY"!!!!

⭐looking up in the color realms and seeing "planets" aka OTHER HUE REALMS

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friday sept 08. 01:50 am

I remember briefly waking up as mason left, said goodbye to oliver and kissed us on the head.
fell right back asleep but we were profoundly touched by that.

woke up, both of us feeling out of it. totally burnt out from this past week.
we took a shower, then oliver went to take a shower while we made breakfast.
breaded chicken hearts in egg and panko, then fried them in oil with extra egg. oliver had the genius idea to add chopped green onions to them afterwards. we also added sriracha and curry powder to ours, and had some cilantro on the side. we sat on the porch and ate them together.
we ALSO had another pig heart from last night though. mason didn't eat like 3/4 of his, so we heated it up to be warm and ate that, too. good god. it was still as sacred as last night.
the chicken hearts taste different. not as "organ"-like. there's a particular flavor to heart and liver that I pick up immediately and absolutely adore.

…

tried to go to the department of social services, but the office location the ssi folks gave us was CLOSED. permanently so. there was a sign on the door from february that had to do with radiation??? and the place looked dead inside. so that was an upsetting experience; cost a lot of spoons.
oliver almost panicking at being so far out, and thinking we had to drive even farther to go to the other one. we decided it wasn't worth putting him through that stress, especially not when we still had to do laundry.

the car was devastatingly low on gas
called kristanova out.
"like a séance"

laurie came out and the two were working through google maps
thank god for protectors

laundry.

stopped at why not pizza to buy jalapeno poppers and chicken tenders for dinner. felt AWFULLY guilty about it, like this was a spit in their face, some gluttonous selfish thing. but we NEED to eat more caloric things whether we like it or not. this is the hard truth.

ohmiette came out while we were there, and we just sat at the table together and talked.

went home

kyo and oliver were out playing no man's sky, and we were just browsing through tumblr while they did so. it felt absolutely comfy and heavenly. we were actually very happy, despite being exhausted. could have easily done that for hours.

the problem: there was another binge.
god forgive us.
one of the girls, taurea,
I noticed that SHE doesn't get hungry, though. she takes advantage of that feeling and ABUSES it. this doesn't surprise me, as she is technically an introject of the mother's forcing her personality on us.

(left unfinished)

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SATURDAY 090917 11:00 pm

breakfast/lunch was the monstrous okra/ mushroom/ tomato/ egg/ cornmeal thing. too much food. didn't think of it though. again, thinking of food as ART and not as something to eat.
then, WHEN eating, thinking of it as a "destructively creative" process?? NOT COMPREHENDING that this is going to TAKE UP SPACE IN OUR BODY.
and then the realization of such is traumatically jarring, and we end up purging. I am so sorry.

walked to food lion, then stopped at dollar store, chinese place, and chicken king.

got too much food, admittedly, but at the time we couldn't tell. we tend to think of food as a CONCEPT, not as something we need to ingest. which is a problem.

ate all of it, got horrifically sick, ended up purging.
felt awful, but darn it we TRIED. we legitimately WANTED to eat it all and keep it all down.
but we felt like such a glutton FOR eating all that food, although it was probably just as much as they would have fed us in pittsburgh.

watched potc 1 & 2 that night.

TIA IS JUST LIKE INFI

also oh my lord. I forgot how much we love Davy Jones.
like… it was instant.
the instant we heard that peg leg on the wood. the instant he spoke.
"do you fear death?"
that's been echoing in our heart for years.

THE MUSIC BOX AND THE ORGAN.
that breath when he heard it while asleep.

the way he talks.
the OBVIOUS wrenching pain.
his LAUGH. the fact that if it wasn't bitter it would PROBABLY sound like CZ laughs when he's Aqua???

pretty people. feeling like jack sparrow. makeup, cinematography, color schemes.
BOOTSTRAP.
THE KRAKEN (DAEMON QUESTION)

(currently cofronting with that old jewel; feels green!! do you have a name besides your jewel title?)

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sunday 091017 11:00 pm

went out for seafood!
black bass, gator bites, fried okra, LEGIT CALAMARI.
DUDE WE GOTTA GO BACK AND GET LIKE… TWO ORDERS ONE DAY.
(who is this???? talk about this compulsion)

got eros raspberry white chocolate cake.

listening to "from bluer water" info. ADORED it.
casually eating cereal though. problem? too much sugar. IMMEDIATELY got very sick, kneejerk reaction was "well to keep ourself safe we've GOTTA get rid of it" so someone decided to eat ALL the cereal "to prevent future pain" and purge it all. poor poor confused thing, you could have just left it for the others, "but that WOULDN'T BE SAFE"

tried to eat again later. hush puppies, salad, the rest of the chicken hearts. english muffins, butter, honey. kit kats. thinking " we HAVE to gain weight so we HAVE to eat as much as humanly possible."
DIDN'T WANT TO PURGE but had sickness terror so we forced ourselves to.
good God, we TRIED.

many OLD fronters coming out, talking to laurie on the bed, then to kyo.

"indigo jess," "manic green/gold jess," triple, overload, jemma??? "overeat green/gold jess" (NAMED hoban??)

TOO MANY JAYS????????
manic jay, christmas jay, "whitewash smile" jay, angel-anubis jay???

then jason trying to front but being TOO manic and cayenne calling him out.
TAR TRYING TO BE CAYENNE????? HE CALLED IT OUT, TOO!!!

watched potc3 with the arrows

(write about THAT MOVIE)

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monday 091117 11:00 pm

the stormday.

Also the morning we went to food lion to buy food. Lots of cereal to TRY and figure out whether or not we actually liked it.

Stayed in bed SUPER LATE after that.

I remember making cereal in a huge bowl as a stim, talking to oliver.
problematic though, that's self-abuse prep, don't use large bowls dude that's another family-abuse compulsive behavior

Ollie worked.
I THINK there was an attempted binge? BUT it DIDNT HAPPEN.
I remember eating lettuce at 1am.

We stayed up ALL NIGHT uploading 2008 archives.

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tuesday 091217 07:21 am

Really, really in love with the System right now.

Spotify is a legit gift from God.
The rule of thumb is that, if you ever want to guaranteed fall in love with someone, put them to music.
...or, alternatively, you can just listen until suddenly you hear them.

11:00 pm

Lynne, julie, waldorf? talking to oliver when we woke up.

Stopped at the art store.
CANNON WAS OUT
interference gold dye, it's VERY resonant with me. Also INTERFERENCE RED is the color of my EYES in my angel form???????

Went out for jimmy johns and moon cakes!
No fear at all. It was so good.
iscah almost fronted??
BEST BREAD i'm not even joking

Late night BAD MELTDOWN.
Dont even know why.
Vernon, ohmiette
CRUSADE WTF
laurie.

MET HICCUP <3
also talked to trolley, wow
SO DID INFI!!!

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wednesday 091317 11:00 pm

rough morning.

Infi out talking to oliver.
Jason (?) almost self-abusing in the bathroom. DIDNT though. We were in there for an hour???????
Ollie talked to chaos and genesis.

Dad called.
always good to hear from him.

Made too much food. Obligatory. Didnt want to, need to LISTEN to ourself when we feel that, and NOT force ourself to do otherwise “because we cant do what we want” that's bull.

No man's sky. FLOATING MINES

cooked the hearts. Ate one with infi, total bliss.
We still get sick from meat, but NO REGRETS EVER

Evening walk!

Juniper helped stop the binge attempts again, god bless her

lying on the porch TALKING YTPS

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thursday 091417 02:01 am

the morning. Good lord the morning.
Infi and ollie.

STARDUST
talking on the kitchen floor
offerings and moon cakes

Pizza and pig hearts for breakfast
no trouble, everything perfect

tire place. Owen kid. Biggs camera visit, remembering cannon's era again

band practice. PIANO
cant perform solo. Cant really perform at all! Not our thing.
Admitted our shortcomings and feel a lot better

trouble with dinner. Jack in the box, vegs and rice.
Almost binge. Struggling. Still dont know why? Please have session or something.

Watched howls moving castle
PLEASE READ THE BOOKS
calcifer!! HEARTS.
Everything was so headspacey good lord.

HEADSPACE VS HEARTSPACE BLEEDOVER???? feeling that SUPER strongly.
Remember rio's 2nd incident with the heart crystals!! feeling that a LOT all of a sudden.
We've all gotta go back to having those adventures dude

02:09 pm

"everything is temporary."

#temporary and dearly beloved for it #the ocean #sunsets #gif #this aches because there's so much love in it #none of us will live this incarnate life forever #but the tiny time we do have is utterly sacred nonetheless #eternity is within and without us #both at once #i wouldn't have it any other way

04:19 pm

"You will find that you survive humiliation. And that’s an experience of incalculable value."

#system healing #quote #the alchemical quest of our souls #when humility is based in love and big-picture peace and joy #then humiliation of the abusive sort is impossible #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters

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friday 091517 04:23 pm

"I can feel guilty about the past, Apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness."

#system healing #kyanos #celebi #now is all there is #and the present moment is infinite #unshackled to any fear or trauma #let it be so #and let yourselves be with it #you are allowed to be free #you are allowed to be happy #you are allowed to feel love and be loved #in fact the universe encourages it #embrace that!

11:00 pm

woke up when?
ollie in a good mood. made us so happy to see.

unfortunately made WAY too much breakfast. form of self abuse.
ended up throwing out half, throwing up the rest.
horribly depressed afterwards.

"I hate seeing you treat each other like this"
paradigm shift
social meltdown as a result, instant suicide consideration (heartbreaking that they feel SO distraught that they feel there IS no other option; b/w thinking, all-or-nothing) at the thought that they aren't alone and they hurt someone. they typically blind themselves to the reality of being part of a system, let alone multiple at all, because they feel like they are "toxic, worthless, and corrupt" and CANNOT bear the thought of sharing a body, lest they "taint everyone else"

awful revelation: abuse is SAFE??

lethe kissing oliver, only reachable person NOT afraid of intimate physical contact when we're that severely trauma-dissociated
daemons are untouchable, man.

lethe's also been using his "styx" name more often lately. curious as to why.
medallion guillotine regularly switches between her two names. always curious as to her name choices, too.
dendrite still m.i.a. for the record. i can feel her betrayed anguished heart from here.

laundry day. so much to carry.
threw out those triggering dysphoric pants so no more worries there.

haircuts. bad time for both of us. but hugely important pain-bonding and honesty afterwards. important. loved them so much in that exact moment despite everything trying to oppose it. love is untouchable too.

starbucks. binged again. tried hard not to. but tried TOO hard. on top of stress, nothing registered.
screwed up and panicked.
got DISTURBINGLY sick from the sugar. big trauma-flashback feeling. memory chopped to pieces as a result; the air felt like it was going to detonate

alone at night.
binged HARD. tried not to. living hell.
ate a REAL dinner. but then made more.
praying desperately. couldn't stop.

in so much pain. sad but numb. 2:30am and still not ready or wanting to rest.

so so so tired. god help us.

notes:

Self abuse = safety???
Eating is ONLY safe IF it is abusive??
Touch is ONLY safe IF it is injurious?

Why is this??
How can we work with it?

------------------------------------------------------------------

saturday 091617 11:00 pm

CHAOS ON TUMBLR ♥♥♥

no sleep.
walked all around in the morning. got too much food.
BLISS though.
salvador deli, food lion, mcdonalds, family restaurant.

tried to eat it. someone freaked and purged.

slept in until 5:30.

amelies.
bought too much food again, panicked. dissociated.
but so wonderful. we adore spending time with oliver. we hope they weren't disappointed in us.

KRIS SKETCH

almost binge. french toast, cereal. LAURIE asked the kid responsible, "if you love me, stop"
and they DID
"dope" by lady gaga looping in our head

slept on the porch, with chaos.
pure bliss.
we NEED to do this instead of bingeing. it's what we ACTUALLY WANT.

------------------------------------------------------------------

sunday 091717 11:00 pm

lazy sunday, I think?

got up early and ran like crazy. so tired.

didn’t even attempt to eat until 5pm, salad. failed to do so.

PRINCESS MONONOKE.

for dinner we tried to eat too many vegs and I don't remember anything at all, except aware that someone purged it all out of shame and fear. this is where all our money and time and health is going. it needs to stop.

so tired, out on the porch. beautiful SO HAPPY. I don't think we've ever felt that happy outside of headspace in our ENTIRE LIFE.

notes:

• Dread talks in chat bubbles; he doesn't move to talk. Just expressions. Says he trusts Ollie and feels safe around him. Never felt him so Content before.
• Me, halo and crying iridescent tears? Like flowing that color. Those Tumblr gifs.
• Army Flower is a WAR PROTESTOR. the Legit sort, like standing in front of tanks and helping refugees.

------------------------------------------------------------------

monday 091817 11:00 pm

got up early, ran to the salvador deli. got a bunch of pastries to try.
also stopped at food lion for vegetables.

BEST BREAKFAST. ♥

dept of social services.
listening to alt+j the whole way up.

planned parenthood; got trans hormone info!
ollie was stressed and got taco bell.

ran back to bakery to get the rest of the pastries, and the food. now we know what it's all like.
also stopped at food lion and got ollie those cream curls he loves

sense8. SO GOOD.

TRIED VERY HARD to eat right, but failed because someone ate the sweet part of a pastry and absolutely freaked out, which triggered a binge-purge.
then someone decided to eat the reeses puffs, and BOTH laurie and the religious-panic girl came out SOBBING and begging him to stop because "I don't want to die" etc. he didn't comprehend the concept, would NOT STOP.
panic girl saw our weight had gone up to 105 from drinking the almond milk, she started screaming "no! no! no!!!" and panickedly threw up several times to try and get it all out. heartbreaking.
"jesus help me, god help me, I'm so sorry, I don't want to die"
notably asked god to HELP that boy "I don't want to hate him" BUT what he does is TERRIBLE.

222 am. no one's been texting ollie. we are exhausted and sad and scared and have no spoons at all BUT we are motivated to try again.

------------------------------------------------------------------

thurs 0921 11:59 pm

band night.

sat and fixed phone, browsed tumblr

got food, TRIED hard to eat it, still failed

08:24 pm

#nurse #white #negative white #wait what if her role is specifically to TRANSMUTE THAT?? #especially with her inherent species ties to the color #reflect upon this #headspace scenery

------------------------------------------------------------------

sat 0923 11:46 pm

Tattoo plans:

• Jewel Monster symbol
• Lotus Cathedral "logo"
• "The divine is full of monsters"
• "Lightly, child, lightly"
• "Beauty and terror"
• "Everything is new, every moment"
• Perfect Chaos ourobouros
• Infinitii eyes/teeth sleeve?
• Pentagape group symbols

11:59 pm

laundry morning.

was this the night we watched we're back and a.i.?

------------------------------------------------------------------

sun 0924 11:59 pm

went out for HOOKAH

infi moon.

watched more sense8?

day notes:

UPMC problem= "don't work through trauma! Thats not important now! To be GOOD, all you have to do is EAT a ton of food and gain weight!!"
• Forcing ourselves to continually eat things that make us severely dysphoric and trigger trauma-flashbacks: milk and dairy, honey, chocolate, oatmeal, mangoes, ice cream, chips, cereal, sugary foods in general, etc.

------------------------------------------------------------------

0925 11:33 pm

nousfoni survey
learning to live in this precious fragile world.

1. Your voice
2. Your handwriting
3. How do you hold the body?
4. Your vocal style?
5. Your resonant music?
6. Do you like food? If so, what's your favorite food OR flavor / texture?
7. Fashion / style?
8. Gender/pronouns, sexuality?

more questions =

Nousfoni: build, height, shape, silhouette, stance, age

COMPARATIVE! Lineups

DRAW NOUSFONI IN FLAT, SATURATED COLORS FOR THE SAKE OF SPECIFICALLY CLARIFYING HUES

------------------------------------------------------------------

mon 0925 11:59 pm

got up early. went out, bought breakfast: mcdonalds, parkway house.
stopped at compare foods, have tons of funky baked goods, whoever loves those wants to try them next month.
PLEASE talk about that though. they want to try them and TOSS THEM. actually "eating" is foreign to them. please work through this

ollie went for a walk

food troubles. tried REALLY HARD.

bad binge day. all vegetables though.

stayed up late browsing tumblr. found a lot of good stuff. lots of pentagape posting, thank god

finished uploading 2009.

------------------------------------------------------------------

tues 0926 11:04 pm

- Knife NEEDS to talk to Iscah and the other religious fronter. He listens to Christian R&B and adores it purely. He was originally referred to as a "vampire priest." He runs a freaking confessional in the Underground, from what I saw the other day.
I wonder if he has ever talked to, or met, Aconitum? They need to meet up, too.

11:59 pm

woke up at 3pm? stayed in until 5??
infi talking to ollie, FINALLY

made a salad, watched the sense8 finale

NO BINGEING.
slight mistake when making food but otherwise GOOD DAY

slc trauma recap, disturbed by just HOW toxic it actually was

------------------------------------------------------------------

sept 27th dream 04:23 pm

Nier+sonic? Emil as some sort of red spirit? Appeared by old tree; forest like Ferngully, colors rich and vivid like No Man's Sky. House of some sort nearby (In tree?), went in. Said he was summoned there.

LAURIE, pushed up stairs by dark descent baddies. Kept trying to torture info out of her. She sneered and said "Whip me till I bleed." Would NOT back down. Mentioning love and pain?

"This is a place of laughter"= defiantly, protectively, triumphantly= upon entering upper room with kids. Marigold, David, Ashen, someone that looked like a younger julie?? (Yellow, not corrupt!!)

Place got BLOWN UP?? the thing they were seeking Respawned somewhere else? So they didn't need that one anymore. Building had levels UNDERGROUND though; Rouge and shadow hid there; they also had a child? Charged ME with protecting them?

Emanon. Evil blood cores? Neck kills. THIRD Power Jewel; top of head?? Super rare.

------------------------------------------------------------------

september 28th 2017 dream 10:26 pm

Running from cleaning bot in labyrinthine school? Dogs, back door.
Hunchback remake? Quasi an Indian woman in hijab. City architecture GORGEOUS.
talking about gay boy representation? THE QUEEN. cofronting with 2 others??
In grandfathers room at home. Nomi? Something with travel, Pokemon?
Sun, bro, dad at restaurant. Girl there from prison, obvious feelings btwn her and sun. Apple pie, salad. Price discount.

------------------------------------------------------------------

092917 11:30 pm

WALKING THROUGH MEMORIES= FREEZE FRAME; HELP SOCIALS IN SITUATIONS THEY WERE DISSOICIATED FOR!
☆THIS IS THE ONLY DIRECT WAY INNER NOUSFONI CAN MEET OUTER NOUSFONI AND DIRECTLY INTERACT WITH THEM!!!
☆DOES THIS COUNT AS HEARTSPACE???

DO THIS WITH RECENT STRUGGLE SITUATIONS ASAP. ASK "WHY." REVEAL COMPULSIONS, FEARFUL OBEDIENCE, TRAPPED TRAUMA LOOPS. ETC. SOCIALS WILL AND DO TALK TO US IF WE MEET THEM INSIDE ON THEIR LEVEL. THAT'S WHY MEMORYSPACE EXISTS= IT IS THE ONLY TOTAL BRIDGE BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW. THE MORE WE USE IT, THE CLOSER WE GET.
BTW, DO THIS FOR SLC. WE WERE NOT A TRUE SYSTEM THEN. THOSE SOCIALS WERE ALONE AND SCARED. THEY NEEDED US THEN THEY HAVE US NOW. BE THERE.

------------------------------------------------------------------

093017 10:14 pm

Sandwich, potato.
TAPROOT. photos.
Too many vegs
Orange new black
Trauma talk, morality
Aywas

10:31 pm

MEMORIES TO WALK INTO AND HEAL =
☆DO REALTIME AUDIO NARRATION OF THIS???

• Des Moines
• Michigan
• The couch
• The attic
• The Kinsara day
• THE KITCHEN
• The Vandegraaff house
• THE BEDROOM
• The psych ward
WORKING ON IT=
• Bus trip through Oklahoma
• Colorado layover

notes:

Marywood concert memory fears= COMPETITIONS. triple hating the mother, that constant expectant but pessimistic glare.

Lynne is NOT a pianist.
Rhodes ATTENDS concerts. She DOESN'T play an instrument!!
Javier is NOT a social pianist; he CHANNELS THE ESSENCE OF IT INSIDE.
The true classical pianist is GLISSANDO.
The fun composer is JEWEL.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO "PERFORMS."

There's a kid who AWAITS JUDGEMENT??? Like a terrified version of Interim? Their whole existence is outside of clock time.

Josephina= CHECKING FACTS!! This is VITAL for realtime retroactive trauma memory healing; ITS IN THE PAST!!! The current moment is FREE of that context by its very definition: Every new moment is innocent.

Kids healing roba's memories? Not alone or trapped anymore. As PART of the System, they aren't alone OR scared anymore. NO MORE MOTHER TRAP PANIC when you have everyone inside there for you safe.

06:28 pm

type about this stuff=

world jump devices
AND
lc lw resonance
ROSEWINDOW CONCEPT TYPING!!!!
write EVERYTHING you feel about saved photos
IN EVERY LEAGUEFOLDER WHY THE HECK NOT

★UNICORN PRINCESS= IMMUNE TO POISON!!!!

feredroni nurse= ANTISEPTIC/ ANTIVIRUS/ BLEACH????

"DREAMFLESH" jackal form

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

06:42 pm

"how many games do you have to trade in at gamestop until they give you a gf?"

"you just have to give them your copy of sonic adventure 2 battle but it’s not worth it imo"

"...i said games not priceless heirlooms"

#jay's post #pretty much #joke's on you gamestop that game is what made me fall hard for chaos zero #god bless multiplayer mode

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

08:06 pm

you see a tiny sign planted in the ground. bending down to read, you just make out, in impossibly tiny script
“a mundane clump of dirt; much beloved by god, like any other”

#i will reblog this forever #favorite #quote #hey kyo #system spirituality #dirt #for jessica #for all our damaged fronters #to the system from the system with love

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11:00 pm

sunday sept 3.

no church today, BUT.
early morning stething. oh dear god.

went for a run earlier.
ollie and kris (I assume) made that awesome southern breakfast again so when we got back, we went out and ate it on the porch.
jay held his anubis form to do so, as he's untouchable by the e.d. like that? also he says he's actually very fond of the liver like that. makes sense. not just dogs being mostly carnivorous but also the organ meat thing. no surprise
he's VERY in tune with the cosmic sense of things.
he said his skin is like space? like it's not quite "solid." it's BLACK ENERGY. all stars and infinite expanse somehow. which is super cool.

talked about oneircia and rosewindow to oliver.
SO MUCH INSPIRATION.

talking about the long-awaited and imminent massive system shift.
leagueworld resonance without losing who we are-- instead, EXPANDING to be greater than ever.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

night of 090317.

terrifying binge-purge session by accident. BUT we learned SO MUCH. GOOD LORD.

juniper, jason, jessica, taurus???

someone bought EVERY gluten free thing to see whether or not we like or want them. this was good. it was deliberate and chosen specifically TO teach us, to completely overcome all compulsive obligation, to form our Own opinion on it.
what we learned:
- hot sauce IS an abusive compulsion. so is the wasabi sauce, and ketchup.
- we DISLIKE the energy bars!! they were compulsory.
- we DISLIKE sugary foods in general.
- we DISLIKE potatoes. please, avoid them.
- shortbread is disliked. bad texture.
- mi-del products make us very nauseous.
- granola is disliked. old compulsion, NO roots now, thank god.
- we DISLIKE chocolate. chocolate in ANYTHING is an immediate NO.
- cereal is somewhat liked? BUT it is dangerous currently. do not buy any for now.
- we dislike honey. too much sugar.
- grits are compulsory when we make them. stop that bro
- eggs are ALSO compulsory.
- ALL "FOOD COMPULSIONS" ARE MISROUTED "ART DRIVES." it's the need to MAKE SOMETHING. when you get that feeling, GO DRAW OR TYPE.

unfortunately, someone had sugar panic and after we had a cream-filled cookie to try, they immediately ran to purge everything.
however. they DID NOT EAT EVERYTHING.
god bless them, they actually TOSSED most of it. no swallowing. good lord. that took huge amounts of courage and integrity, as well as mercy.

juniper came out at some point, with the cereal. 3am?
genesis showed up and started shouting at the deadname jess, who we are currently calling taurus/ taurea. she does NOT CARE.
however, we did NOT expect JUNIPER to show up??? she's one of the "jess splinters" and she feels a bit like jemma but she's definitely her own person. not sure of her color, but she's ALSO not the "hoban color" jess that was talking to ollie the other day.
also. CHAOS ZERO SHOWED UP GHOSTING, with genesis, and the two were doing a "good cop bad cop" sort of thing with the fronter struggle, until CZ won out and ended up talking by himself to juniper. good lord he has a heart of solid gold.
she felt trapped in compulsions. pouring out all the cereal. being constantly shoved aside by taurea, and stalwartly pushing her back out as much as she possibly could.
chaos TOLD HER SPECIFICALLY that she was hurting our body. the immediate reaction-- I think a DIFFERENT fronter-- said it was "not our body," that it was hers and what she was doing shouldn't affect us. but chaos said "we all live in your head" and that if she hurt the body enough, it would die, and we would ALL go with it, so to speak.
THAT is when juniper showed up. she ACCEPTED this, and said it was totally unfair because she didn't know how to stop BUT she didn't want to hurt anyone?
chaos told her to leave the cereal for oliver. juniper ALSO accepted this and listened. good lord the courage that took. but she WANTED to do the right thing. the ONLY struggle was in fighting the tormentor fronters.
honestly, juniper is a BADASS, despite being so unassuming. she kept pushing taurea out of the way, telling chaos "I don't want to eat this," and STOPPING. she threw out most of the binge foods so we wouldn't get sick. god bless her.

realized that taurea IS the deadname fronter AND she holds the DEFAULT BODY OVERLAY which is terrifying. that gives her WAY too much power.
HOWEVER. she is also TIMELOCKED?????????? like she still feels like she's 15, tops?? we have to check photos. definitely not 17 or 18 though.

chaos zero and genesis BOTH love juniper and SHE LOVES THEM BACK.
that is MOMENTOUS for a social fronter.

so the poor body is quite sick right now, but we survived. good god did we ever survive. we fought this war, and we lived, and we learned a HELL of a lot, and in a very real way we still won. despite the battles, despite the pain, despite the crushing fear, we were NOT suicidal, we were NOT self-abusive, we did NOT give in. we won this round.

tomorrow, and all our tomorrows from here on out, WILL be better. I know this.

the tarot cards of the day are the page of wands, AND the page of swords.
the question asked for the latter was "lesson from tonight" and of course we asked God/ the Creator/ the Source/ etc. to work through both cards to teach us.
so… both are very applicable, very hopeful, and very determined. good.

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