102117 night

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

I want to stay awake forever.

Why do we lose so much of Ollie's worknights by dissociating and bingeing? Why?

Taureia was out again today, eating grits (with sugar and oil; the body is obviously craving calories but that is a very unwise choice), and Chaos 0 showed up ghosting to ask her to stop, please, telling her that "this has consequences" and that the body was going to get very sick when she was done, as it always does from sugar and oil, as it has been proven time and time again for years now.
Her response?
"I'll never stop. This is all there is. There's nothing after."
APPARENTLY, for socials like her who ONLY come out in certain situations, they LITERALLY CANNOT FATHOM THE CONCEPT OF "CONSEQUENCES" because, as far as their memory and experience says, their current situation is ALL THERE EVER WAS AND ALL THERE EVER WILL BE.
So Taureia will eat enough food to suffocate a body without realizing that it will, solely because she's ONLY ever fronted to EAT. She's NEVER seen or known or felt what her actions DO to the body.

There's still 10 more days in the month until we get paid, and 5 days until Mason & Ollie get paid, so we have like... $100, maximum, for the next week. Which is totally fine, AS LONG AS WE RESPECT THAT.
All our eating-disorder-suffering socials need to realize that their actions are hurting OTHER people OUTSIDE of the System, if they can't realize yet that their actions are and have always hurt the System and our shared body as well.
On that note! Chaos was telling Taureia that, too. "You're eating too much, and you're eating things that make us sick, and that's very unkind/ abusive/ etc. to the rest of us that share this body."
Her response? "You don't share this body, I'm the only one in it."
"Right now, yes, but when you leave, other people live in it, and what you do to it now is going to affect them too."
I think her response was the infamous social reply of "no it won't, because I'm the only one doing this/ They don't have to do what I do/ etc." Not realizing that they don't exist in a vacuum, not realizing that the body EXISTS, and can be AFFECTED by what they do.
However, Chaos told her to stay, and she did-- and suddenly, violently, the body couldn't tolerate her actions anymore. It started hiccuping, our stomach began to hurt, the nausea and pain slammed back into us, and she was NOTABLY confused and scared, "why is this happening, this doesn't make sense," etc. She forced down the rest of the food, while telling Chaos "this shouldn't be happening," visibly shaken. She began to be pushed out of fronting almost immediately, and the next thing I remember is TOBIKO hunched over the toilet, vomiting it up. "Get the poison out." She's so calm about it, in a sad way. Like Ohmiette. Geez. Poor kids. But they've saved our lives so many times before. Tobiko quite literally. E.D. socials don't realize that food can kill us, if eaten wrongly. The ones that used to eat enough sugar to put us into shock, or who used to eat out of the garbage or trash heap, or who used to eat foods that our body straight up could NOT tolerate for medical reasons, or who used to eat enough to cause pain so severe we thought we would die... NONE of them gave ANY thought TO those consequences, because they "DON'T EXIST" IN THOSE CONSEQUENCE SITUATIONS.

I like not having cash though. I LIKE not giving those poor toxic-but-healing-gradually socials (and they ARE) any dangerous wiggle room to make bad choices, when they buy things based on fear or obligation or compulsion or concept or ignorance in any other sense. I know they're trying. I know they're only doing what they think is right, what WAS right for them up to this point, in the sense of "right" meaning "matching their function," and their functions being how they helped us survive at some point, even if both that function and the survived situation were both horrifically toxic as well. But they ARE healing. I've seen it. I know it will continue. But, we have to be prudent. Until they learn and grow more, they cannot be trusted with money. And as long as they keep shoving us out of fronting due to "survival panic," then NONE of us can have more than a minimum amount of cash on hand at all times.
On another note, I like... "relying" on Oliver and Mason for food and care. It's making us less secretive, more trusting, more open and honest, less panicky, less demanding, less compulsive. It's a VERY needed step in our healing process. We just have to continue to be patient and loving, and teach the socials how to do so.
I was telling Oliver that last night. Our socials, for the most part-- which is scary-- DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE. I am dead serious. Since they had to survive in environments where love and affection and softness and closeness were downright condemned and rejected and punished and vilified, their functions quite literally warped to NOT be loving. Which, again, is terrifying, but it CAN CHANGE. Look at Julie. Look at the Jessicas. Look at Jason, even. And so many others, too, are learning! I see it every day, even in tiny glimpses. Even today, with Taureia. She, for a moment, LEGITIMATELY realized that her actions ARE affecting others, and that is the first step towards learning empathy, and care, and compassion, and healing. Like Eleanor in The Good Place! She spent her WHOLE LIFE being brutally selfish and once she got to heaven and GRADUALLY started to care for others, to see the good in them, to see them as just as worthy as being cared for as herself, well... then she gradually began to release her toxic behavior and BE the truly good person she ALWAYS had the ability to be at heart. So it is with our socials.
Love is key. Love is ALWAYS the key.
But... you'll notice, Eleanor needed to be cared for first. She had to learn what love felt like, from others, even in tiny ways.
Our socials need to BE LOVED before they can ever truly give love to others. Which means that if we slack off in that, if we let them continue their complex and painful and globally vital healing processes alone, struggling and unsure, they won't get very far. Nor will any of us, as we are all in this together, as literally and intimately as possible. What one does affects the all. What one feels affects the all. This is EVERYONE'S battle, and we ALL know that brute force is useless here. Our toxic homestead proved that. Years of internal wars proved that. Laurie can tell you all about beating swords into plowshares, and this is why. The ONLY way our socials are going to heal, and all of us with them, is if we HELP them, by loving them unconditionally, and guiding and supporting and caring for them through this, IN this, actively, as much as we possibly can.
The signs in the kitchen are helping. Everyone who ghosts is helping. Every little reminder that "hey, you're part of a System!" helps. Every sudden calling to someone inside helps, even Mason saying the name of a different Laurie and immediately catching the attention of ours.
And yes, the socials fight. They fight hard, tooth and nail, driven by anger and indulgence and selfishness and uncaring. They don't see any further than their own faces. They don't love yet. But love is the core of ALL existence, them included, and so it is INEVITABLE that they WILL learn how. We just have to help them in that. We have to TEACH them, by giving an example, by EXPLAINING ourselves. You can't just tell an E.D. social to stop eating, or to eat, or to drink, or to stop drinking, or any other thing, if they genuinely think you are HURTING them. If they exist because their disordered behavior was a SURVIVAL method at some point, however twisted, then trying to stop them cold turkey is going to fail spectacularly. No, you have to show them the big picture, explain the situation, the source and the consequence and the present effects, you have to give them alternatives, you have to listen to their needs, you have to work WITH them. Sometimes you have to let them learn by experience. It's a messy process, it takes time, and it's scary. But it is mandatory for our healing. It is the most important thing we can do right now. And it will ONLY succeed if we do it with love.
I cannot emphasize that enough.

Now, it's almost 4am and we only have 3 hours until Oliver comes home but we're wide awake and I just... I miss this, desperately. I miss this so much. I miss typing, and reading, and existing in these early hours. Listening to music and forgetting about daily life when the sun rises.
I've discovered an album called "A Trip to Soda Island" and it is utter perfection. It predominantly has that chill-sweet vibe that we adore, perfect for reflective typing and deep mental relaxing, and it's so nice. It feels like early morning sunlight, or late night starlight. Both at once.
And then of course, there's a few tracks with sheer black buzzing synths and that just makes that phrase even more applicable, haha.

I'm looking forward to the morning though.
I know Mason is cooking. We won't touch anything on our own; we're tired of fighting after today. We're going to relax and not worry and enjoy everything we're blessed to be able to participate in. Practice letting go of control-panic, the fear that if we aren't directing the situation, someone's going to hurt us. Not anymore! Ironically, it's currently the opposite. We need to let go and let love in. Just learn to relax, to live life without feeling like there's a countdown timer on every minute. We don't get that at night, which is why we need to get locked into this computer earlier than midnight for heavens sakes.
But there's another time that time becomes blissful, and that's when we're just lying together with the Broken Arrows. Either late at night, or early in the morning. And-- what a profound blessing-- we get to experience the latter every single morning. EVERY morning. No matter what, we get to lie in sheer perfect sunlit peace with a fellow System who adores us, not needing to go anywhere or do anything, not needing to be anything or say anything. All we have to do is be love, be ourselves. All we need to do is lie there tangled up in each others arms and legs and hearts and just rest. Just breathe, and sleep, and be. Life, pure and simple. We need it like the very blood in our veins.

Our body still feels somewhat sick. We know it's half from poor food choices, half from stress. But this too shall pass, a phrase which we adore and forgot about, but which we need to remember always, in good and bad times. Everything is both finite and infinite. Death makes life precious. Life makes death precious. Dear Lord I miss typing like this. But I need to stay myself, too. The old "LJ typer" girl keeps wanting to front instead, but she unfortunately is infamous for never truly feeling the depth of things. She, like Ahrima, will talk up a storm with pretty words and "what you're supposed to say," fooling everyone but those who can feel their motivations. And I will not condemn them, either. That's their function. But they, too, need to learn how to feel true empathy and love and care for others. So many of us don't, it's honestly frightening to realize. But that's my job. I'm the Core; my literal function is to love.
We have so many entries due to be written, honestly. They need to happen, inbetween archiving nights. Even if we just type on our phone. We need to continue to entwine headspace with bodyspace. The two need to become united, wed, harmonized. That's the only way any of us will ever be able to truly live here or anywhere. THAT'S how we'll ALL learn how to truly love-- by learning to truly love this physical form and world as well as our inner universe. They were never mutually exclusive, and my heart breaks to realize how we would have sworn they were for years, due to being lied to.
But we know the truth. We feel it deeper than any falsehood can ever reach.

That's all I have to say for tonight. Ollie will be home in about a half hour, and we don't want to waste any time in joining them.
See you all later today. We love you.