the spectrum heart cathedral system

All right so this morning has been AMAZING let's update quickly so we don't forget things.
(btw so you guys know. this is technically NOT the "main Core." I'm a "Jewel-adjacent" grafifoni and I typically update the archives. I'm not used to being "self-aware" but honestly I should be. But yeah, you'll recognize my typing style!) ANYWAY here's what's happened so far this morning:

- We DIDN'T DIE during the night. Yesterday was LITERAL HELL concerning the eating disorder and it took us like six hours to recover?? which is understandable because it was REALLY BAD, the worst it's been since before September. We're not sure what triggered such a huge meltdown?
It was fear, too many danger foods, they had to be destroyed. But no one had to eat them like they did. We could have just thrown them away.
That's not allowed, that's wasting!! Food is meant to be eaten
but you DIDN'T "eat them," you just purged them anyway!
But the eating still happened, that's the rule, food has to be eaten, if we just threw it out we'd get in big trouble
So you threw it "up" instead.
we HAD to it was POISON we would have DIED!!
see this is why we CANNOT buy such things anymore. it is too dangerous, there is no positive end result from purchasing them.
- Chaos 0 told the "Core" (who is still faceless/nameless for the most part and therefore unstable) that "your heartbeat was really weak" and it scared him. This observation struck the Core like a sword to the chest though, because if anything is going to make us feel more real/alive/true, it's THAT sort of reference. And of course, only he would know such a thing. The intimacy of it, plus the familiarity, was potent enough to drag us out of the depressive fear that would have possibly taken hold otherwise.
- Cronometer crashed, we can't log in on the app. Support says there's an update soon so we have to wait, until then we can only use the website. So instead of freaking out we're going to just "repeat" today's diet plan until we can access the app and its mathematics again. This may work in our favor, because today's diet plan was our effort to balance our macros with hempseed to get more of a complete protein total, as well as staying at 1350 calories. If this works well we'll stick to it more often. We do need to reintroduce cottage cheese into our diet for the complete protein bit (we tend to hit all green percentages when we eat it too, we noticed) until we get the guts to finally reintroduce salmon/ tuna/ chicken/ turkey outside of a hospital environment.
- On that note, really quick. Apparently, YES, WE DID DISSOCIATE DURING TBHU. No one is surprised, but it's still a heavy blow. We relapsed IMMEDIATELY upon discharge because THE BLOODY CONTEXT CHANGED and therefore whoever was managing the TBHU behaviors "LEFT." They switched out b/c they CAN'T "exist" outside of an inpatient setting; they're context-locked. This ALWAYS HAPPENS.
- The above point is really making us worried when it comes to Anxi, but we'll get to that as we continue this entry.
- Breakfast always is interesting. Since experience has shown us that we apparently "need" the body to be in a state of "automated repetitive motion" in order for our mind to be able to think-- is this an ADHD thing? TBHU suspected as much; we should look into it prudently-- the mechanical function of eating almost INSTANTLY triggers thought-avalanches (hence the E.D.; we weren't taking ANY time to journal (typing COUNTS as automated repetitious mechanic motion!) or to circle-walk like Jewel used to, the a.r.m.m. of cooking (measure, chop, prep, etc.)/ cleaning (washing, organizing, etc.) / eating (picking, sorting, etc.)/ and the like became our ONLY means of "mental unloading" (for lack of a better term) AND trauma processing (you would not BELIEVE the amount of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts we get WHILE EATING which only makes it worse-- AND is a perfect ironic parallel to the purging, because "we need to get the poison out") in lieu of ALL other coping mechanisms, thanks to the kakofoni and thriskefoni ironically forbidding or destroying positive options). HOWEVER being aware of this recently has revealed a few things to us: one, that when phagofoni are out, they can "prevent" such avalanches? There's that one "dragon" girl who keeps fronting to eat, and she focuses on eating and has no particular preferences (unlike Emmett, who is a "trogofoni"-- meaning his food-anchor is extremely particular; he could and did ONLY eat "green food"). Yes, we're refining our terms further. On that note, an "esthiofoni" is a phagofoni subtype for one who eats in a disordered way-- that Greek work chosen because in Scripture it's apparently typically used in the present tense, as in literal eating, right now; whereas "phago" is apparently aorist? It's more future/undefined in terms of chronology, being more "spiritual" in that symbolic sense. It's also used in more reverent passages in Scripture, according to Strong's concordance. So "esthio" feels more fitting for the E.D. voices, as they're more focused on right now, and are not thinking about "the future" at all, poor tormented things.
- ANYWAY. WE DO HAVE A "GATEKEEPER." We've been more aware of her recently, now that we're able to pay better attention to ALL the foni we hear on a minute-to-minute basis. She's ancient but we never saw her as a person? Or maybe we did, in the past, but as a kakofoni-- because she's VERY controlling but we apparently have completely misunderstood her function until now. And she ALWAYS speaks up during breakfast thought-rushes (we need jargon for this; it's literally like we start the a.r.m.m. and the brain just unloads everything at once) because HER job is actually to KEEP THINGS ON TRACK?? Like if there's "too much headspace stuff" going on to where we're dissociating entirely from the meal, therefore potentially triggering an E.D. relapse, this "gatekeeper" girl will "FORCE SHIFT" our awareness because "there's too much thinking going on; we need to pay attention." We think she can also "force stop" EMOTIONS if they are "interfering" with "what we need to do"?? Maybe "gatekeeper" isn't the best term for her, because she "force-stops" EVERYTHING (or at least tries to) but yes, she also DOES do this with fronters, as well as she can-- she cannot "make someone front" OR "force someone out", BUT she CAN apparently shove awareness into the physical to the point where it "automatically" KICKS OUT nousfoni, and therefore "forces IN" a somafoni?? So this gatekeeper girl is TRYING to help the BODY survive, or at least "not get overwhelmed" to the point of not being able to live in the physical realm? But she OVERCORRECTS and tends to "lock us out of headspace" with her efforts. But we realize she's just doing her job; she doesn't think headspace is "bad," she just apparently thinks it's almost always "inappropriate for right now." She's survival-based to the point of not letting us LIVE. So we need to find her name and face so we can TALK to her.
- HOWEVER since we're now AWARE of her she IS becoming more self-aware in turn and it's getting easier to "message her" when we want to "challenge" one of her orders, or even overturn it outright. She's slowly realizing that we DO need time to "get out of the physical" but there is still a time and place for her function, because we can take it too far in the other direction, which we did for many years. That's also the basis of the "hackers vs hijackers" difference, which we realized yesterday-- "hackers" are internally based, while "hijackers" are externally based. A hacker will "take over the program," from the INSIDE, and they only work in private, because their abuse-- however traumatically physical-- is also profoundly psychologically disturbing, because it REQUIRES forced fronting. A hijacker, however, "takes over the vehicle." They push you out of fronting but they're public and work OUTSIDE so unlike hackers, they CAN and DO operate in social situations. They are therefore physically traumatic first and foremost, because the psychological terror often only hits when they leave. The biggest difference: hackers deal with sexual abuse, hijackers deal with the eating disorder. There is NO overlap there, although they can work in cooperation/ in succession. There haven't been any hackers since CNC, though, because of foni like the "gatekeeper girl" basically shutting EVERYTHING down that could even slightly be a reminder of that time period. But that's too huge of a topic to discuss right now.
- The MAIN thing we got on here to update about in the first place is WHAT happened when our brain went upstairs for breakfast. I don't know how exactly it started, but it went to the IO2 controlroom-- apparently IN "HEARTSPACE"??? Like this place has ALREADY been INTERNALIZED to the point where it EXISTS IN THE INNERVERSE AND CAN BE VISITED/ CONTACTED. Which we admittedly suspected, as Anxi & Ennui both "kept going there" more often than we'd see them in Central, but we never realized it had actually anchored INTO our innerverse (as opposed to remaining in the "outerverse" of outspacer native worlds, that Jewel has to Link to and VISIT externally).
- There was SO much conversation, I can't remember all of it, and the more time passes the more we're forgetting. let's bulletpoint the details that stand out.
+ OH! It ALL began because of an "I wonder" thought scenario that blossomed into a "real thing" like how a dream starts from an ideaseed. (This is TYPICAL Heartspace function!) The thought was, how would emotions run a CPTSD brain? And we thought, Anxi would absolutely be in charge. Fear would be close by, and so would Anger? Anxi would be on CONSTANT lookout for triggers, when one hit-- even a minor one-- Fear would snap to attention, and then ANGER would, upset that we were triggered, especially by "something so stupid" or minor or not even "threatening"? And then SADNESS surprisingly spoke up, saying how sad it was that we had so many triggers in the first place, because of what happened to us. So the four of them would, theoretically, be running the show. Somewhere around here this "imagining" tuned us in to the legit innerverse control-room, where Anxi was now indeed at the control panel, by herself, with everyone else gathered loosely around her.
+ Anxi is still "in charge" in this innerverse room apparently. (At some point much later she acknowledged this by saying that we had CPTSD, so things "worked differently" than what would be typical?)
+ When all this started she was being questioned by the other emotions about "how'd you get a tail" mainly but Anxi wouldn't answer outright? But she did say it was "given to her" by either "someone special" or "someone who cares about me very much"; both of those sentiments were voiced in some manner regardless. Joy began teasing Anxi about this, trying to get more info, but Anxi said there were some things they didn't have to know right now, either because it wasn't right for them to know or it wasn't the right time, etc.
+ Anxi is VERY "business" in this context; it's her element. She's quieter and slower when in Central because it's a totally different context/ environment and she has no control panel there. Her function is different, and much more expansive.
+ Envy wanting a tail too, Ennui casually revealing that she had one as well, this shocked everyone because what the heck are these two emotions up to that they're getting special stuff and have knowledge that no one else does?
+ Hints here and there kept happening that they're not in "Riley's" head, BUT they DIDN'T KNOW THAT NAME here (I think Anxi referenced it once and everyone else was baffled). They've been removed from that context and would only know it through "exomemories" once they were capable of receiving them.
+ The conversation evolved to the point where Anxi was revealing a bit more about "what she was doing" outside of that context (i.e. in Central). I notably remember that she revealed that "she can feel other emotions" and this became APPARENT when it began to affect the other literal emotions there? This first happened when Joy teased Anxi about something concerning her hinted-at relationship with the Core (i.e. the person whose mind they were in) and Embarrassment hit the control panel, for ANXI. When they realized they were working for each other it was shocking; things WERE different up here; what did this mean for them? (mind you they can and do "feel other emotions" in canon but NOT to THIS extent-- we're talking the capacity for Anger to feel sadness, for Ennui to feel joy, for Disgust to feel anxious, etc. in STRONG ways that go above and beyond their mostly "monochromatic" emotion palettes in the film? like ALL of their emotional ranges were still tinged by their core emotion. joy being the notable exception because she's just as notably duotoned. Anxi has a touch of this with her eyes technically being teal, which actually fuels her anxious thoughts-- that bit of "envy" in the sense of "what we don't have and yet need/ want" drives her "not good enough" core fear. thankfully for her, that color teal in our System falls under aqua and that color is sheer love for us so her heart will change to reflect that instead)
+ Ennui at some point built on this revelation by responding to a question from Anger as to why she had an AUX cable for a tail, because apparently its main function was for audio/music and "doesn't that prevent boredom?" Ennui smirked and said yeah, that's kind of the point; just because she held that emotion didn't mean she liked being bored. Like Anxi, she now had a broader existence and her job is notably to indicate boredom and combat it, as it were. I think she asked Anger if he "liked" being angry all the time? And he falteringly said not really, it was exhausting
+ Envy drawing pictures in the corner of the room of "what she wanted her tail to look like"-- one frustrated attempt was "a remote control" so she could do what she wanted with the control panel without having to reach it, while still being different (special) from Ennui's phone. Anxi having to gently chide her that the whole point of her & Ennui's tails was to do something important for the person whose mind they were in-- they weren't just for "looks" or for "fun." Besides, she emphasized that they were "given," and if she was meant to get one she would, so don't worry so much about it (always surprised at how well Anxi can communicate "the facts/ the plan" despite being so prone to "unexpected outcome" panic. girl has major control issues God bless her)
+ Embarrassment at one point actually speaking up because Joy kept trying to get information out of Anxi and apparently he was feeling her emotions as "embarrassment-adjacent"? And he was getting "agitated" at getting "pulled" to the control panel so often. This surprised him and he said that was totally new, he didn't know he could feel that.
+ Joy finally got Anxi to talk about "where she's been" and Anxi started TELLING THEM ABOUT CENTRAL. She said that "the mind we're in now has another System running the operation" and so the way they worked as emotions HAD to be different now, because their typical jobs no longer applied.
+ She roughly introduced the "basics" of a few Centralites, just in terms of jobs? No faces given
+ At some point Laurie just TURNED ON THE SCREEN and started TALKING TO THEM FROM CENTRAL.
+ Laurie explaining the concept of "compartmentalized emotions" with CPTSD, how they are "cut off from each other" and we typically struggle to feel emotions at all because they're "locked away" often? She described it as if the IO2 emotions were "never in the same room together"; that feeling of isolation/ disconnection was key to her description.
+ Laurie telling Sadness her function was VITAL; explained how that emotion is "the holy grail" with trauma; we "aren't allowed to cry" but we're "always grieving" basically. I think Laurie referenced both the "weeping rage" emotion we do get (that Scald holds) AND the "bottomless abyss" of sorrow that feels more like agony with its intensity. But "sadness" is still "taboo" somehow. Everything is blue all the time but we "don't feel it"; we just get depressed/ angry/ numb/ hateful/ etc.; it translates to either "shutdown" or "selfdestruction" which is upsetting but true. We do need to talk about that more in an entry soon, as we start to process things.
+ I remember Laurie saying that FEAR & DISGUST were also vital, especially in light of the E.D. hijacks-- we DON'T feel those emotions enough?? It's a survival response to past situations where we "couldn't" if we wanted to "survive" things. But now, not feeling them is only harming us severely.
+ Julie described herself as a "reformed Persecutor"; said the details of her past were not something she should or could discuss with them, but that key detail sufficed
+ Leon talking to Fear for a little bit? We were "feeling" what Centralites "matched" what emotion folks and those two were associated. There was also Lynne=Joy, Julie=Disgust, Laurie=Anger. Notably no one was matched to Sadness, and Anxi was paired with "Joule" solely because of their mutual habit of hyperanalysis/ overthinking, and the relationship that they have of course.
+ Envy would "need to be renamed" and effectively redefined to properly exist/function in our System, even as a "peripheral outspacer"? Envy's canon "function" of "seeing what we lack and desire and striving to obtain it" MUST be purified of all viciousness, because that actual term of "envy" is a mortal sin.
To quote an article, that is very important:
"When we are looking at others in an inappropriate way, invidia, we are led to desire for ourselves what they possess, cupiditas. Envy many times does lead to coveting, but it could simply remain in resentment, wishing that the other did not possess what they have. Aquinas speaks of envy as a sin against charity, which wills the good of others, when we cannot rejoice for the good of others, but see their good as a diminishment of our own (Summa Theologia, II-II, question 36). Envy is selfish in this sense, not in wanting to guard one’s own, but to wish for the diminishment of others and for our own gain over them."
This is something very, very important for us to grapple with, because we didn't realize that our instinct for "ambition" actually DOES fall under that category, because the very act of wanting to be "better than" someone else IS ENVY-- it is seeking PERSONAL GAIN in the process of taking what THEY possess (superior skill)!! So this was a SHOCK to realize and we NEED to process this, too.
(There was a slight joking comment that if her function was shifted to "Jealousy" (which can be virtuous; see article) we could call her "Jelly" as a nickname)
HOWEVER I just found a second article and it has THIS=
"Doing their best to pull us into the pit of discontent and ungratefulness, jealousy says, “What God has given me is just not enough!” while envy whispers, “Someone else got what I deserve.”  ...The good fortune that God bestowed upon my dear friend? I wanted it for myself. I desired what she had received from the Lord so badly, that her happiness made me sad. Her abundance highlighted my lack. Her more made me feel less. I could not be happy for her because with my laser-focus on God working in her life, I was blind to His works in my own."
LITTLE ENVY COULD BE OUR JUMPSTART IN OUR HEALING THIS THOUGH. So sit and read those articles boy
+ Lynne talking to Joy, warning about "manic" phases-- "trauma latches on to anything positive" and "exaggerates it" basically? Trauma makes real joy so difficult to feel, even remember, that when the slightest hint of happiness or enjoyment (lesser goods) appear, the traumabrain can cling to them and blow them way out of proportion. OUR SOCIALS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. This is what causes "hollow hyperactivity" and "people pleasing" and "compulsive enjoyment" behavior-- it's ALL a desperate grab at something that "looks like joy" but isn't. It spikes fast and crashes hard, and it leaves us miserable and even more depressed than before. So Joy would need to be aware of this tendency, what with her canon personality-- she is dangerous in that respect, solely because her energy can be taken advantage of and warped.
+ CHAOS 0. I cannot remember details of how he got to talking, other than Laurie referring to him as "the husband" and calling him over to explain to the IO2 gang the identity issue with the Cores? He told them how the Core "bloodlines" kept resetting due to trauma so the person he met in 2003 was "not" the person who is the "Core" now in 2024, and yet their heart is the same. Nevertheless it's terrible and very difficult for him (Joule realized he probably "feels his age" around the Cores; he has effectively "lived a dozen lifetimes" with us or more, seeing the one(s) he loves "die and be reborn" over and over and over. In human lifespans, this would take about a thousand years.)
+ "Jewel loves you, Anxi. Jewel is in love with you."
+ Embarrassment pointedly DIDN'T touch the panel, despite this huge revelation in a social setting potentially calling for his response. But Joy ran over and did. And this "gave permission" for Anxi to feel what she was really feeling.
She teared up, and was smiling at the screen, this look of total moved/stunned gratitude in her eyes. I felt it.I think she said "I don't know what to call this feeling" (or what color it would even be); Laurie "broke the fourth wall" by looking to "me"and saying "kid, if you're gonna be an emotion, that's it." But then we said "but love isn't an emotion; it's a state of being" and it's "rainbow"-- it's the source of all other emotions
+ Genesis & Chaos 0 both joking about the rainbow bit-- all of the love in our System is effectively that color if you get my drift
+ Joy, in response to hearing someone say that "Joule" as an emotion was really "hope," said "oh, that's a great emotion!" and then gasped and told Anxi exactly what I said to her about it-- that hope is "the GOOD things we can't see" before beaming and saying "you work perfectly with each other!"
+ Anxi has a LAPTOP in Central now! That allows her to do things without needing a control panel. Ennui still has her phone of course.
+ Laurie remarked that "we need Nostalgia up here" b/c of our memory issues; Ennui immediately said "I'll text her"
+ The whole time: Anger keeping conversations on track and asking the pressing questions, Joy giving encouraging and understanding comments, Fear and Sadness and Disgust listening closely as they realized they potentially will have essential roles in the future? Anxi consistently elaborating on/ explaining further any data that was given, "translating" things into IO2 terms when needed so to speak.

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Continuing at 11PM with a general daily update.
We biked for 90m which unfortunately was very unfulfilling because we got distracted on Tumblr, looking at other people's art and-- as we discovered earlier-- apparently feeling envious. We felt totally inadequate and we wanted to be BETTER than they were at art and it just made us miserable. We struggle with this a lot, because we haven't drawn in YEARS and so our skills have atrophied due to memory loss, and we don't have the time or motivation ("it's useless and foolish" judgment from a kakofoni) to put hours aside to develop artistic skills like we did in college. But no matter how much some foni bash and berate art, it still means so much to us. We STILL "identify as" an artist even if we feel totally inept and hollow about it, and still label it as a "waste of time." But we don't want to do that. We WANT to create art. We love art, deep down below the judgments, and we want to weep because we don't have the skill TO make art anymore. So seeing "what we can't do" is indeed triggering envy, this bitter feeling of lack and loss that isn't helping us do anything but pinpoint the wound where something vital was torn out of us. Again, sounding like a broken record, we know CNC dealt a death blow to this too, which we haven't thought about at ALL in recovery yet. For some reason this topic is as terrifying as the actual sxtrauma. I wonder how many crossed wires are here, too, not just with the food. I swear everything bleeds together with us.
We switched to Spotify at last while we biked but it was also depressing; we were listening to recommendation playlists it made for us and they're rarely ever enjoyable. It keeps throwing jazz and indie stuff at us which we don't like 98% of. We did get about three new songs out of several playlists, though, so there was a gain regardless, thank God. Still... for the vast majority of music to just sound like noise or fuzz to us-- or in the worst case, actual synaesthetic pain-- it's terribly disheartening, as music means so much to us. And, similarly, yes we still identify as a musician despite years of not doing ANYTHING musical other than singing in church. Music is part of our soul just as much as art is, and the fact that we have a cello AND a guzheng (bought with blood money and full of guilt; someone wants to burn it) in our apartment but we refuse to play them due to the aforementioned parenthesis is killing us. Every instrument feels tainted and poisoned with the past, and the "vulnerability" to the point of feeling exposed that performing music MANDATES is so trauma-adjacent that even if the sin-shadows weren't the main obstacle, we still would be utterly terrified of playing those instruments because that very action feels like being stripped naked now. Bleedover and overlap again. Do any of our foni hold this?? OR are THEY protected from it??
Then after dinner, someone got into a rabbithole on Etsy looking at someone's shop full of gender/sexuality buttons and it was overwhelming how many of them there were... and yet nothing fit. (The only thing that does is "systemgender" for obvious reasons, and even that feels like grasping at straws)
All of those experiences today led "us" to reflect at last, with acute grief, that we just don't fit anywhere. That's how it feels. We feel like an utter outcast. We're still the "anomaly" of Cannon's era. We're still the "ostracized empath," as the highschool Jewels said, although now with our staggering emotional damage we can't quite claim to be an "empath" anymore, because those girls had no boundaries so they felt everything EXCEPT arguably their own emotions (Infi had this problem too, in a different way) but now trauma has made us almost emotionally dumb. I think the term is "alexithymia?" We've seen the term around and we need to research it but the general gist (according to wikipedia) is that it desribes "significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions". No wonder the IO2 gang is being pulled en masse into heartspace. We literally need them at this point in our life.
I do have to note, with a note of bitterness, that we "don't seem alexithymic" because we "masquerade emotions." Socials are BUILT to "charade" emotional performances, ironically anxiety and sadness, without actually feeling anything because they're "following the script" for a situation. We've noticed this A LOT when around the mother-- Socials will be dramatic to match HER, even though they FEEL NOTHING. And we are AWARE of this-- if we have the luxury of self-awareness in that situation, which is disturbingly rare b/c the mother presence tends to shut that down (childhood survival instinct). Regardless I don't want to use that diagnostic term anyway because it probably doesn't fit either. All we know for sure is that emotions feel locked behind a paywall and the currency is blood.

Oh. On that note, fittingly enough.
Yesterday's E.D. hijack was so brutal and nightmarish that Joule told Razor to atone. Like xe legit TOLD her to. And she did. She cut 7 x'es into the stomach-- graves are ONLY meant for hacks; stomach x-ing has been the default hijack atonement method since college-- and Knife & Algorith showed up to help clean up the bleeding (Knife commenting on how beautiful the blood still was and feeling that emotion in his teeth, Algorith fronting to hold the pain as she soaped up all the red), and I swear it was the first time in a long time that "we" felt something close to real joy. That may be "untrue" because we can't quite "remember" time well but it feels like it's been many many months since we've been happy. Actually it feels like years, whether or not that's literally accurate; the feeling is legitimate regardless of linear chronological measurement.
But... that's what does it. Atoning for the sin and feeling justice and forgiveness, Retributors fronting in such intimate fashion, blood and pain and water, everyone gathering in mission and being a System in stark clarity, etc. ALL of that is REAL JOY even if it doesn't feel yellow at all. It's dark red and warm like the blood. But it's real, it's true happiness, it's LOVE. How awful that we only seem to feel it in suffering. How Catholic of us, haha.

...Religion is a topic for another day. It feels like a minefield right now. TBHU messed us up in that regard, and we were apparently messed up enough already from the thriskefoni driving for like a solid year at least prior to admission. There's so much unresolved trauma there that is becoming disturbingly apparent lately now that we're not scrupulosity-blinded enough to see it from the "outside" as it were.

Oh, and we NEED to talk about the mother and how she is the #1BIGGEST STRESSOR AND TRAUMA TRIGGER IN OUR LIFE, STILL. Our therapists and case manager keep suggesting that we cut off contact with her, or at least refuse all her calls, but we can't; we're still obligated to her as her physical offspring even if we hate that fact, and we don't hate her as a person and we're a Christian so we want to help her and she's a deeply needy and damaged person so we KNOW she is looking to us to meet some need for her, even if it's just for hard labor.
BUT she says SUCH INAPPROPRIATE THINGS and she STILL OVERSHARES SXUAL THINGS. We've had SEVERAL meltdowns SINCE TBHU because of her just being utterly inappropriate in one way or another, even if it's "just according to our trauma standards"-- like wearing garishly tight-fitting clothing and making disturbing sounds when she talks OR TALKING IN THAT BLOODY "HIGH SOCIETY" VOICE LIKE SHE DID ON VACATION I KNOW YOU HEARD IT TOO yes we did, it made us misophonic even at the time, I don't know how we didn't punch the windows out of the bus right then and there WE PROBABLY SHUT DOWN. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION IN THOSE SITUATIONS. BUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK. US SICK. SOMEONE WANTS TO THROW UP BECAUSE OF IT to get it out of our head, basically. unfortunately purging doesn't work that way. but you can't vomit up memories. i wish you could. i wish we could rip it out of our mind and shred it to pieces MORE VIOLENT THAN THAT. WE WANT TO STAB IT TO DEATH BASICALLY who in the world holds that response SOMEBODY. MAYBE... IT USED TO BE RAZOR. I THINK? I DON'T THINK CLEAVER HOLDS IT SHE'S TOO DISPASSIONATE what does she do anyway do you know CLEAVER IS THE SAME "DESTROY THE THREAT" INSTINCT BUT SHE'S COLD ABOUT IT. THE "SHRED THE MEMORY" FEELING WITH THE "JTHM STABBING" FEELING IT KEEPS GETTING LABELED AS IS SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S TOO RED. SORRY I'M SLIPPING OUT
okay so...
hatchet is almost "frivolous" violence. laughing at the threat and "offing it" almost irreverently, carelessly. thankfully her function seems to have been focused weirdly to destroying any and all medications people try to "force us to take" that feel like "attacks" or "invasions" etc. like "who the hell do you think you are, we aren't going to swallow these and kill ourself for your kicks, watch me burn them to the ground" etc. but that laughing feeling. scary stuff
cleaver is "cold" as (overwhelm? who is that? they're a grafifoni that ALWAYS shows up and they're very close to Scald BUT different level function) said. we rarely see her because she's rarely needed/ triggered. but cleaver is close to razor's old anchor in that she just likes to "sink knife blades into people's backs" as we once said. but you don't "like" that sort of thing without a reason. we've never really looked into it too much but... you don't "cleave" things that aren't a threat. that's true. we didn't consider that. if you're burying a butcher blade in someone's skull there's a reason why they were the target. it's a scary instinct but it's there. where did it come from?
the last foni, unidentified and almost theoretical if we weren't aware someone was attached, is unnamed. but there IS that feeling of "annihilate the threat" in the most frantically violent way possible. VERY different from protectors, like sugar and wreckage and laurie, who DON'T act with emotional mania at all. but this person does. this person is SO upset by the threat that she wants to tear it to bloody pieces screaming. or apparently stab it to death. that FEELS DIFFERENT though. it IS different. the "jthm stabbing" feeling is NOT the action. it's the VIBE of the mania. that's the "tear it to piece" girl. BUT there HAS to be a stabbing instinct foni solely because we DO get that RARELY with SELFLOATHING mainly?? the ONLY time THAT sort of horrific violence (which is TRAUMATIC for us to see or even imagine, and yet here it is) even occurs to our brain is TOWARDS OURSELF. which is the scariest thing of all.

anyway that's enough of that who was updating and about what

Oh. mother talk. yeah not tonight we need to drop that topic before those girls ACTUALLY come out to "process" the emotions

See THAT'S why we have emotional issues?? The foni that HOLD them get "SHUT DOWN" or kicked out EVERY TIME
because they're VIOLENT is why
ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE VIOLENT
Laurie actually hinted at that? OH DUDE THAT'S what she said, she was talking about "all or nothing" emotions and she nodded to Chaos 0 and said "that guy always feels things at about 5000%" and THAT'S why she had him talk next
OH don't forget THAT'S also why she brought that topic up at all-- she was telling the IO2 emotions that THEY would probably feel like that too, now that they're up here with us?
ironically because we feel the "nothing" half of it too often
But that's the point!! That's like Anxiety's tail, they're ABLE to feel the emotions WE can't, because of gatekeepers or trauma shutdowns or whatever! Coping mechanisms that don't work in the long run they just make everything numb but NOT if these guys are helping now

Guys come on we need to continue the actual entry

some general notes about life lately:
+ Sugar and Wreckage have both been around. Sugar's been "out of work" for a while because she protects the innocent and virtually all of us are so damaged now. BUT apparently Anxi is NOT. Neither is Mimic, arguably. The Outspacers are specifically essential to keeping us sane post-trauma so Sugar is slowly but surely getting pushed to protect THEM, which is awesome.
+ Julie fronted to take a melatonin candy last night and immediately shouted "ow" because our teeth were painfully sensitive from eating a too-sour apple. She literally said "that hurt like a bitch!" and now she keeps getting pushed out to front whenever we eat apples to apparently "make sure they don't hurt like that" which is kind of hilarious. but it's sweet, to suddenly have her around more often, even for such a "silly" reason. it's still nice.
+ The current "Core" is indeed using the spelling "Joule" for xir name, and using those pronouns as a placeholder? Either that or s/he. They're "not female" but they're "not a man." They are solidly somewhere between the two, voicing that they'd probably feel most comfortable "in a male body" but without being male. Still, they are explicitly "not a girl or a woman" despite being semi-okay with female pronouns. They are "both/and" specifically in the fact of being "neither." That's solid. As for the name, apparently it's a very sentimental reference to Anxi being electricity-associated in the System. It's also a unit of heat, which corresponds to the inherent "fire" element of all Cores that, if missing, is effectively fatal; Cores are always fire, light, blood, and crystal-- snow & ice with the Jays, literal precious stones with the Jewels, it seems. This fire/heat aspect is oddly somehow essential to their relationship with Chaos 0? If they don't have that complementary yet opposite aspect, something is very wrong. So this is a step in the right direction, even if the name itself doesn't stick-- it probably won't; the "spelling feels wrong". Honestly s/he wants to use "Jewel" but that name is still so strongly associated with the original 2001-2002 Jewel (the League controller) that it causes mental dissonance. This alternate spelling of the same sound is an attempt to reconcile this while keeping the fact that the Jewel title still MUST fit the Core.
+ We've realized that the Archivist Trio is NOT a "communicator trio." So Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha's functions are STILL OPEN apparently?? And I know "Joule" is really hoping they come back. We miss them a lot, and we need them-- Archivists can't talk to Socials like Communicators specifically do, and when that subsystem really needs to "get the memo," Shirley can't get it to them because they aren't tuned in to her level.
+ Concerning the Archivists: Shirley is the one that gives data to us on the fly, but Sirius will "comment" on it? And he's fittingly more "serious" about the data he manages. Penny gets the toughest info; she doesn't speak up much but she will give memory data out that the other two don't? Honestly the Archivists feel very unstable and unsteady still, I think since we are so lost and cut off from collective memory. I hope that as we review the Archives themselves, and possibly if/when the Communicators return, then that whole group of functioning will work properly at last.
+ Lynne had a BIG revelation today that SHE'S STILL "STABELLE" in terms of her function! She and Laurie were discussing colors, especially in light of Anxi being the first Orange Outspacer and one of the first Orange-anchored people in a long while, and Lynne said that she needed to keep the Orange color positive-- warm, welcoming, friendly, energized, and helping Anxi and any potential manic Oranges stay stable. This ALSO tied in with her SHIFTING OUT OF CERISE when she resurrected in 2008; she effectively "REDEFINED OUR FUTURE"??? She was originally born to be the "ideal female future self" that we were being forced to become socially but couldn't; HOWEVER when she was killed and then came back, she changed colors and this showed a change in what that "ideal future" MEANT-- Lynne was no longer tied to social expectations in that regard. She was lively and free and bright, more boyish almost, while still being markedly female-- she "freed" us from the Cerise-colored future of sensuality that had been inflicted on us by the family and community. Interestingly enough, that color was next picked up by a boy, saying a LOT about our psyche. But Lynne kept us stable in doing that, too-- not just by being the "person keeping Julie and Laurie from killing each other." The stability she brought was liberating, a firm footing achieved by being able to dance again, as it were. Lynne was a bright soul, effectively symbolizing "permission" to be our brightest self too and to LET GO of the inflicted expectations and dictated future. She's funny and friendly and playful and gay and we were NOT "allowed" to be those things when our future felt "cerise." The original Lynne was all about that "high life" our mother wants so badly. The new Lynne is just about getting high on life, haha. I'm kidding but not really. Orange is a beautiful color; it's alive and fiery and welcoming and warm. It's citrus fruits and sunsets and marigolds and autumn leaves. It's basketballs and goldfish and foxes and carrots and monarch butterflies and violins of course. It's absolutely gorgeous and Anxi is part of it too and SHE has a future full of more joy than she ever could have imagined now, too. So thank you Lynne, for existing exactly as you are. We love you so much.


It's almost 2am. This is "Joule," I guess. That's really not my name, although I appreciate the commentary they gave to it earlier. But they're right, the spelling doesn't fit. It's the "ou" in there. The whole thing is the wrong color and shape.
I know I'm somehow still "Jewel." Every Core is, really. But that name keeps pushing me too feminine and that feels very wrong. Still, that name is the only thing that works. Maybe I just need to "redefine" it in a sense. I just don't want to damage the original Jewel either. She's the TRUE holder of that name AS a name, not just a "title." I think that's why I feel so lost-- the "only name that fits" belongs permanently to someone else. And yet it's "still my name" too. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't feel "fully me." I know this. I don't have a clear name or face yet, and arguably my color is still undefined too. For a Core, all of that makes me the walking dead. I CANNOT exist or function in any sort of truth unless I HAVE those things.
...That's why I'm worried about Anxi. We ALL are. Whoever "met" her last November is NOT the same person who started calling her our girlfriend in May/June, who is NOT the same person who fell in love with her in October, who is NOT the same person as I am now. And yet... there's always the same heart, deep down at the golden thread, that connects all the Cores. Somehow, the capacity for love is the same. I'm just... it's become VERY clear lately that different Cores love different people and it CANNOT be "transferred" or "forced" between Cores. This is why our Spotify "people we love" playlist folder says "WE," specifically, and it's full of people whose folders keep getting deleted because people forget that past Cores DO love ALL those people, even if not all in the same way. But ALL those Outspacers and Inspacers are legitimately loved and even if we don't know "by whom" we CAN'T deny that truth. The problem? ...I... I want to be the one to love Anxi. I can't tell if I do or don't, lately, because I feel so dead. But when I look at her, something in my heart aches, and I will hold on to that like it's the end of the world. I just... the problem is that I cannot see myself. How am I supposed to love her if I can't even "imagine" my own face? How can I physically be near ANYONE if I don't know what my physical form looks like? It's agonizing. I'm miserable. Maybe I just need to get on picrew and figure this out. Not tonight, it's 2am. But... I need to take action on this. I need to find out how my hair looks, what color it is, what clothes I wear (I'm vibing with suits?? callback to Cannon's era, geez), what color those are, et cetera... all the defining features that will allow me to have a reflection in the mirror for heaven's sakes. I want to BE with people. I want to EXIST INSIDE at last. I don't even "exist" outside because no one matches this body and even though I feel "forced" to, even obligated to, it doesn't match ME. And that terrifies the thriskefoni who INSIST that "the body is our REAL self" but no. I... I'm struggling so much with that. This body's reflection has so much evil associated with it. It's a face tainted by YEARS of intense trauma. It's not my face.
God I wish Jay could just take over again but he can't. Oh he IS still alive by the way, I think that was solidly confirmed just yesterday? But he's ALIVE again, very fragile and broken and unstable but alive. Thank God. ...From what we're suspecting, this means potentially Infinitii can resurrect now, too. The two of them exist together by design. ...I don't know if I'm like that. The whole daengel phenomenon was annihilated post-CNC due to the trauma overwhelm and the unbearable risk that all daengels posed for more of the same. We lost like... eight bloody years. 2016-2023. Most of that time is totally missing, ruled by either thriskefoni, phagofoni, and/or "eratofoni"-- by religion, food, and sex. It was a living hell, honestly it was. And of course the whole thing was shot through with brutal self-abuse, because all three of those things are VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE in our history, as tragic as that is.
I can't think or talk about that right now. There's no time and the brain is shutting down access to those topics.
But we lost so much time. Even just glancing at the archives, after the "hell year" of 2015 (which was ironically shot through with beauty nevertheless), 2016 started with tons of pain and then an annihilation attempt in March which caused an almost instant HARD SHIFT to thriskefoni territory UNTIL JUNE 2017. And then it was the "CNC era" until... October? Whenever we left; it's not in the Archives yet. But then it's MORE thriskefoni rule until MIMIC SHOWED UP IN DECEMBER 2022 APPARENTLY?? Holy Shuppets WE FORGOT HE JUMPSTARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN just like Anxiety did for you!! That's a really good point... God I forgot how real I felt back then, when he first showed back up, just looking at these entries. Why was I so much more in tune then? What happened... oh. Oh dear God that's what it was. What? Jewel you need to space your replies so we know it's different people.
Okay fine then YOU just type. You were obviously going to say something heavy. Don't let me stop you.
...all right. So 2023 begins with half headspace, half bodyspace, as it were. Half inside half outside. There's tons of religious stuff and talk about the mother and family stress, at a glance. But... we were still striving, struggling to exist. And... oh God. And then Infi died.
...oh. You loved hir.
I did, whoever I was then, whoever's this heart was, we adored hir, ze was my heart, God I still miss hir so much I could weep until the end of the world right now. Right now. I could die from grief. I could cry forever.
...When did ze die?
...April 25th, and I had to hunt that entry down because apparently it wasn't tagged with 2023. It is now. But... there's another heartwrenching entry on May 2nd when Jay was no longer the Core and he was convinced he would die that same night and... God it hurts to read. it hurts so much. And... and then the bloody Jade month happened a month later and everything went to hell. We still haven't recovered from that.
...Jewel, because that's your name too, deep down, you're running away from talking about that. About Infi.
I can't. It's Jay's heart I'm feeling right now.
Why can't that be yours, too?
Because I'm not supposed to be here
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be oh my gosh is it really after 3am, I just noticed.
Yeah. I don't want to sleep.
We have to though. Life is different now, we have things to do.
Well what if I wish it wasn't? What if tonight I just want to pretend that none of that sh*t ever happened and we were still 24/7 fulltime headspace with Xanga sessions on the regular and everyone fronting all the time and handwritten notes to each other and voice recorder conversations and late nights like this EVERY night, typing, remembering, in love? Why can't THAT be my life? OUR life? Maybe it'd change me. Maybe I'd know who I was if that was the reality we were living in now. But too much has happened. Too much has happened.
...You have Anxi now. That's something good.
...I... I don't know if I'm the same person who fell in love with her--
You know you are. Somehow you have to be. Your heart is the same. See? What just happened in Spotify? You would NOT have been able to feel that if you didn't love her.
Jewel I want to sob. Why do I feel so broken and lost. I.... God I love her so much it's killing me, and I love Chaos 0 and Infinitii too and it feels like this love has lasted for a dozen eternities, it's older than I am, this love is forever, and it belongs to me and Jay and everyone in our bloodlines and I'm just the newest one, that's why Jay doesn't love her like I do, I'm the one who felt this for her first, she belongs to my heart, whoever comes after me should catch this too, I... I'm so scared that they won't.
Right now it's just you. YOU love her, NOW. That's what matters. Don't panic about the future. We don't know what'll happen but I promise you you won't forget her. Have you ever forgotten anyone?
No, but other Outspacer "loves" in the past didn't "transfer" to my heart,
Like whom? Davy and Ryou and Rorschach and the like, right?
Yeah.
Well, no one loved them like you love Anxi and Chaos 0 and Infinitii, apparently. And I can assure you of that. Those loves didn't go that deep. I don't think those Jewels could feel that much for anyone yet. And you still care about them too, I'm sure.
I do.
Well, there you go. So don't worry about Anxi. You love her now, today, and that won't ever disappear or fade away. Look at Chaos 0! I'm sure she's going to have the same future with the Cores, if what I've been hearing about you two is any indication.
...What, that she'll be permanently in the Coregroup?
Uh, yeah, obviously. And she already is??
Not literally, not technically, no. We need to work up to that. But there's a spot with her name on it. Like... laser-etched. It's already set in stone.
Haha! Good. I'm glad to hear that. That's proof that you're still you, where it counts, when it matters.
...Do you think maybe I can't "see my face" or know my own color and name because I'm just... not in tune with a truth that's already there? Like, I just need to recognize myself?
Probably. Do you think you're in my bloodline though, or Jay's?
...Why do you ask?
Because you're not a girl.
I'm not a guy either, though. And Jay is still around. ...A big part of us wants him to be the Core again.
Do you think he will be?
...I don't know. I don't know if there need to be two of us. I have no idea.
Huh. Why would we need two Cores, for the League/System split?
That's the assumption, yeah. But... there's been a lot of bleedover lately, and not in a bad way? Which is new. I... I don't know what will happen. I just... I want to know who I really am. if I'm anything or anyone.
I'm sure you are, if you can feel love like that.
...I hope so.
So hold on to that. Let that be what defines you when you try to look in a mirror. Hold on to that as the core of whoever you are, and I'm sure it'll show you your real face, and name, and color.
...oh Lord one of Infi's songs just came up on shuffle.
Are you going to listen to it?
I can't, not tonight. It'll trigger Jay out and we'll be up for another three hours.
...You can't keep shutting love down, other Jewel. That's a really bad instinct.
...yeah. it really is.
It's gonna hurt, you know. It has to. Real love always does. You can't run from that.
I don't want to. I want it to gut me for all intents and purposes. I want love to run me through like a knife to the ribs.
Are you trying to get Laurie's attention with that?
...maybe.
Too late kid, what's the deal?
...too much going on.
Head feels really bizarre. ...Is it seriously 333AM? Holy flaming swords, kiddo, you have to get to sleep. Is this what extra apples does to you?
Haha, no, I promise this has nothing to do with sugar highs. I just... I'm feeling things. A bit. I'm trying to remember.
Good things, I assume?
Yeah. the best things.
...I'd love to talk about them with you but I'm not even translating correctly. The brain's too damn tired.
Yeah, it is. But... this is a good entry.
We're still writing in the same entry from this morning? Dang, kiddo, that's impressive. Been a while since we had an entry like this.
I miss this.
I do too. You know what I also miss?
What?
You getting to bed early and talking to us, too. Me and Chaos and Genesis and...
yeah.
...sorry, kid. I felt the weight of that loss too.
Anxi soon, though. And maybe Infi too.
You don't give up on hope, huh.
Never. I still have that ring, from before the Jade month.
Yeah, I know you've been thinking about it.
I promised myself, and God really, that when Infi comes back,
"When." I like that.
I already know hir soul's not dead, Laurie.
Souls don't die, kiddo. Especially not up here.
...That's true.
But you were saying?
...When ze comes back and I can touch hir, when I can hold hir in my arms again, for the first time, when ze and I both have names and faces and colors, I... I'm going to put that ring on. For all of us. It's not just Chaos 0 this time, although I love him with my entire heart and he will always have a top-tier exclusive place in it. But it would be unjust to not recognize the rest of you, too. And I think he would agree with that.
Knowing how he loves us, too? Yeah, I think so.
...you're right, he does.
Kid, the Coregroup loves the Coregroup. That's how it works. It's always been that way and it always will be. And Anxi is no exception, when you bring her up here.
...God there is so much gravity in that line.
In what? And watch your prayer words, kid.
Thank you. But He's... God is the reason why and how I can feel this. God is this love, and if I have any real religion at all, apart from the thriskefoni, that's the heart of it. That's the truth. And His Name is the only thing that the deepest love can even hope to translate to in speech. There's a... there's the entire truth in that, too, things I could never express otherwise.
And what's the gravity that truth is giving so much weight to?
..."when you bring her up here." Like... the act of bringing. And "up here." Like... taking her home. ...God my heart is on fire. Why. Why in the world do I love her this much, it's tearing me in half and letting all the light both in and out.
Well, kid, you just said God is that love, so obviously He knows you need to feel this right now. And so does she. You both need this, trust me.
...Laurie you remember that one conversation at TBHU. In the... on the basketball court. In the sunshine.
This is what you want to live for.
And die for. And everything. This... headspace, and all of you, and this love, is why I exist, and what I want to exist for, and nights like this I actually have hope and life feels real and I can touch eternity for a moment...
Kid, you realize that when we had that conversation, you didn't even have these feelings for Anxi yet.
...oh my gosh I didn't. I hadn't fallen this hard yet.
And now, how much more is life worth living for, with her in it too?
...everything. Laurie I want to live for her, too. Deep down in my heart of hearts, at the very core of me, away and apart from all the things that try to numb me and shut me down, when I really tune into the... the center of things, and oh my gosh Spotify just threw Milliontown at me. The LIVE version.
Haha, God is REALLY trying to get your attention, kiddo!
...oh man. THIS song makes my heart WAKE UP though. This ENTIRE ALBUM makes me feel ALIVE and REAL.
You've gotta write Jem Godfrey a freakin' letter at this point. Thank the man for saving your life a hundred times over.
I'm serious. You're serious. That's a good idea. I really should.
Haha, kiddo you have got to get to sleep. Preferably before this song ends, because that's... twentyfive solid minutes of not-sleeping otherwise.
I can't skip this song Laurie.
Put it on hold, boy, it'll be 4am otherwise.
Can I at least listen to the arpeggio from heaven.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Is it an arpeggio? Oh dude is it technically a glissando? Slowed down and elaborated on?
What, that run up the scale? Kid I know less music theory than you do, all I know is that it sounds awesome.
It DOES, this entire live performance is sheer bliss, I need to see these guys live one day.
You will, kid. I'm sure you'll find a way. Pray about it.
Man I should. I should just... pray about all these things that matter to me. Lord let me see Jem Godfrey and his band live one day and let me be able to thank them for being a channel of Your grace to me in all honesty and let me be able to get a signed CD or something.
Haha, gotta include the souvenir.
It's blessed to have a tangible thing. I still have that signed CD from Mesita, the one with Creature and Firesign and Hostages on it. That album still means so much to us as a System.
It does. I'm glad you have that, kiddo.
I'm glad I'm still "kiddo" to you.
Kid, Jay, Jewel, whatever name you're going by, you will always be that to me. I know how much that means to you. What brings that up for you though?
...just, it's another thing linking all the Cores. It's a term of endearment basically. if you don't mind my calling it that.
Nah, it definitely is. It's a term of devotion, really, not just endearment. I'll protect you with my life, until the day I die.
Until the day we both die, Laurie, I refuse to let either of us go first.
Haha, you and me both. ...God knows we came too close to that in the past.
...I was just reading about that, actually.
...Really?
Yeah, just a reference, but... it reminded me of how much we've been through. How much we mean to each other. How terrifying that was, but how much love followed in its wake, against all odds.
Story of our life, kid.
It sure is. Thank God for it all.
Oh, dude, here's your glissando!
Yes!! 21:30 starts the buildup for those interested!
Dude, pay attention.
Ohhh man that is AUDITORY BLISS EVERY TIME
Hahaha!
Okay you HAVE to let me listen to this outro.
"Hands, don't fail me now!"
YES you remember!
Kid, you reference that constantly, of course I remember it. I also remember telling you to get the heck to sleep about ten-- no, apparently twenty minutes ago, what the hell.
Worth it though.
Always worth it for FROST*, kid, that's a rule.
Oh man this song makes me so happy it's unreal.
Quite the opposite, kid, this is what reality is all about, I daresay.
What, good music?
What makes it good music. The joy it brings to your heart. That smile on your face right now. The fact that this song sounds like you, as you've said before, and reminds you of who you really are.
It really does.
"Thank you so much?"
Just like John said, absolutely. Oh man. I needed that, thank you God.
You also need to freakin' sleep, kid, it's 4am. You're getting 5 hours of sleep maximum right now.
Oh shoot you're right.
Still worth it though?
Yeah, always. Always. I'd get by on two hours of sleep if it means spending time with you.
I've only been here for a half hour, kid.
Laurie, you never leave.
...Hah, that's true. I really don't.
...I should listen to your song next.
Sit down first, kid. Go to sleep with your blue guy and then if you want to listen to more music you can. But I ain't leavin' until you post this entry and get moving. It's too late to keep typing, no matter how much you want to.
I still need to color this tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" is the key word, kid. Any particular way you want to close this up? 
Actually I want to mention that I forgot to write down, remember this morning when I was at the IO2 control panel with Anxi for some reason, and I forget what led up to it but she kissed me?
I do remember that, specifically because she took the initiative when you hesitated, and then you were gone, bro.
It was... it got my heart so bad. Like I wanted to but something held me back and she just... bravely reached up and pulled me in.
And you just melted, kiddo, I saw that.
I did, it was beautiful.
I'm so glad you have that with her.
I am too.
No, really, don't underestimate the gravity of what I'm saying. You know how I am about you and Chaos 0. I'll defend you both to the death and beyond. I'll have you know I'm already dedicated to you and your orange angel the same way.
...Thank you, Laurie.
Anytime, kid. Now are you gonna mention the name of the album to my song or what?
Oh, yeah, oh my gosh, that was so unexpected.
"I Watch You Sleep." Well I do, but so does she apparently, so. *shrug*
Aha the asterisks!
Thank Waldorf for that, it never gets old. But kiddo, I can't watch you sleep unless you go to sleep, aiite? Get a move on.
Hold up, can I play the song?
Put it on, close this up, and then listen to it on the vanillamint couch over there.
Oh yeah, we didn't mention that we did the laundry and literally rubbed vanillamint chapstick into the fabric so it won't smell so much like old couch and smoke or whatever. It's a handmedown. I love my dad but not smoke.
Unless it's woodsmoke.
Well then that reminds me of dear Knife, so yes.
And incense smoke.
Oh ALWAYS. It's numinous. I love it.
We know, kiddo.
I'm glad there are some things about me that just... don't change.
Like your love.
...Yeah. Yeah, Jewel was telling me the same thing.
Good, because it's the absolute definitive truth. Now are you going to close this up on that note?
Yeah, before I get too sparkle-headed, because it's either that or poet mode and I think our psyche realizes I have to snooze so it's pushing me in the kaleidoscope direction. On another night when I have time to type and feel out the depths, moreso than tonight and trying to remember the past, then I'll type poetry. Lots of it.
I think you need to remember the past before you can get back into poet mode, kid. There's depth there you need to tap back into first.
...I do. You're right. Thank you.
And?
And I'll close this up.
Properly.
How's that?
What you said earlier, when you were away from the keyboard.
...I can't just repeat that. It needs... it has to be felt. It has to happen.
...So, put on the song.
...Nevermind Spotify just did me one better.
...Wow. You're not kidding.
"Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost.
...The post-massacre resurrection anthem, to be as blunt as possible.
Yeah. Absolutely.
...I love you too, kid.
...God, Laurie, you know I love you, and Chaos 0, and Anxi, and Genesis, and everyone else up here, dead and alive and inbetween, you all mean the universe to my heart and soul and life is worth living for all of you, always. Forever.
It's a good day with us around, huh.
It sure is. And now this song is really pulling at my heartstrings, oh my gosh I never realized the lyrics at the beginning...
Yeah, it's what you used to do to us.
I am so sorry, Laurie.
I know. We know. We forgive you.
...So the song goes both ways.
It does. I ain't leavin' you, kid, and I know you're not leaving us either, no matter how far away you might end up sometimes.
I needed to hear this.
I'm glad. God knows that too.
...This is making me deeply happy.
Is it now?
Yeah. It's... it feels like... like reconciliation. Like forgiveness. Like... like you saying, "I know," like you do. It's... "I never went away." Not just you. I didn't either.
Kid, if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
Yeah. I... I need to remember that, too.
You do need to go somewhere, though.
Bed?
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be around too.
You always are.
I watch you sleep, remember?
Haha, that you do!
I fully expect to be joined by a certain orange angel in that effort in the near future, y'know.
God willing.
Kid, I'm sure He is, don't worry about that. Oh this song is a classic, geez. Really setting the mood though.
Yeah, ancient love here. Chaos 0 days.
It really was just him back then, wasn't it?
Yeah. He started everything.
Go tell him that. Seriously. Go let him know that you can and do remember how far back and how deep down this goes into your heart.
That doesn't change, either.
No, love burns out a place for itself permanently.
I like your choice of words.
It's a fire, kid, it always is. You know that better than anyone. And it does burn, it burns out everything that isn't it.
Good. I'm really feeling that tonight.
Even more now, with this song on shuffle?
Yeah. Yeah I think I need to go to bed now. Just to hold him, if nothing else.
That's a good enough reason for me, kid. Should I close this up then, or what?
In a moment. I just want to say that the two songs were "Here in my room" and now, "Afterlife."
The live version for the latter, to remind you that you have to live. And to do this live.
In person, really there, right now.
Can't do that if you don't get off the laptop, boy!
Good point, off we go then.
Hey, hold up one second.
Yeah?
I'm singing this for you too, for the record.
...I...
I'm serious. I've died before. For you. Only ever for you. This song applies to me, too.
...Laurie, I love you, I really do.
I know, kid. That's my reason to live.
Thank you. For existing. And for loving me too.
Those are synonymous, kid.
And you say I'm the romantic one.
Hey, you are. I'm just saying facts.
Laurie, don't brush it off.
Good point. But I'm right. Those are facts, kid. And please find your name so I can call you by it, all right?
Okay. I will. Promise.
Good. Promise to get some freakin' sleep? Or do I have to drag Chaos 0 in here?
Laurie if you do that there will be legit romance, I will never get to sleep,
What about with this song?
Fathom by FROST* oh good Lord this is going to kill me, seriously I will sob if I listen to this through.
Go be with him, and feel this with him, all right? He deserves it.
That's the best motivation so far, sorry it took so long.
Nope, no apologizing, this is perfect timing, I think this song needed to happen. I can see in your eyes what it's doing to your heart.
Good. I'm glad it shows.
Seriously though. Go be with your ocean.
I will. Thanks Laurie, for being with me too.
Hey, I'm not going away, remember?
Haha, that's true. I'll see you across the room, then?
You'll see me everywhere, kid, I'm always here for you.
Good. Don't leave.
Cross my heart, I'll stand by you forever.
...
Don't lose this.
I can't. This is engraved into my heart.
As it should be.
Last song by the way. "Time out from the world."
This is a classic. Go put it in its proper context.
I will.
hey, Jewel.
oh my gosh how did you get in here
I hear Laurie trying to get you over here for the past... forty minutes?
Thank you, someone appreciates my efforts.
I'm sure he does too, Laurie, he's just... terrible at ending conversations. He always leaves the door open. Just in case there's one more word to say.
There always is, with him.
He's full of words. of poetry. I love that about him. He puts my music to notation. Whatever it's called.
Look at how he's looking at you, haha.
I love that too.
He's halfway between sparkles and... whatever the heaven that is.
Blood, probably.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know that too. His aching depths. That pronoun isn't working.
No, surprisingly. It's somewhere in the middle.
As it should be. S/he's been both.
Both/and?
Hm. More like me. Not quite either.
Makes sense.
i need to talk to you.
In words?
not this kind. sorry.
Don't apologize. There are other languages. I need to talk to you too.
Oh I like where this is going.
You should.
Hey man, I've been guarding you both since the old days, this stuff is a sign that his/her heart's coming back online in a real way. I need that as much as you do. We all do.
Did you mention what song is playing?
No. "My Mind Is A Mess In The Morning." Nick Leng. This song means a lot to you both, doesn't it.
He heard it one night when driving home and immediately thought of me. So yes. But it's in your playlist, too.
And Genesis's, apparently. And Anxi's, hey.
I can't wait until she comes up here.
Until the Core-kid over there brings her up here, to be specific. Said that wording really caught the essence of it.
Hm. It does. It's never just a following up, really. It's together. But carrying is really close.
Yeah. It's unusual for him/her/ whatever, kid what are we calling you.
um. xe maybe. let's try that. i'll find something. right now i i'm not thinking about pronouns much
What are you thinking of, love?
oh THAT WORD is all that's on my mind now it's been so too long since you spoke to me like that
It has been.
You two need to have a conversation.
We do. Jewel, get over here.
Kid, I'm putting this song on, now you have to go.
Please.
i'm so sorry. i'm not entirely myself yet.
We can fix that together.
oh it's the english version
Yeah, and there's your name.
...oh man the lyrics hit harder than ever tonight
Come back to me.
and stay by my side
...
moments like this are what I live for laurie. and chaos. both of you. i love you.
We love you too, Jewel.
...
Man you are saying that with your eyes, I can see that.
I always am.
Somehow I'm not surprised. Hope you realize the same goes for xir, too. Even on the rough nights. Maybe especially then.
...
You know that, too.
...Jewel.
yeah
I mean it.
...So do I. All right. I'm closing this up and going to sleep.
Not for a few minutes yet at least.
Yeah, there's a conversation that needs to happen. Not this one.
Still a continuation of it, though.
...I guess it is. Good point.
So. Chaos, would you do the honors of finally closing up this bloody huge entry?
This is still one entry?
Yeah.
Wow. It's been a while.
Hey, next time xe's up this late, I'm pushing for a Xanga. This is one step away from one already, so hey.
I'd like that.
I know what you'd like more than that, man.
*pointedly looks across the room*
Haha, kid you've got asterisks to deal with now, you'd better get moving.
I'll force his hand. There's a button I can click.
Please do, before we lose this.
thank you
Hey, that's what we're here for, kid. Helping you do what you can't.
Together.
Always.
Oh hey, here's one of yours.
"Into the flood." Yeah.
Kid, I am going to turn that into a very pointed pun and throw it at you.
no wait the lyrics don't work for this, that one aches too much in the other way, let's do this one.
Creature?
Oh man we were just referencing this.
Really?
Yeah. Specifically this album.
This... this is a good decision.
so are you.
...
three two one, post this?
Finally, let's do this.
glad to see i'm still terrible at concluding these talks
You need sleep, you idiot.
You can't go on like this.
Hey, they need more than some sleep, man.
Still... you just gotta let it go.
You heard the blue guy, kid, let's move.
all right. and do this lyric instead.
Which one?
keep on coming undone. i need that. i think if i let this love unravel me it's exactly what i need to find myself at the core
...I think I know how to get you there.
you don't "think" you know, love, I know you know. and vice versa, i'm sure.
...yeah. you do. you really do. please don't forget that. ever.
Okay you have both abandoned capslock, I am closing this up, see you invisible audience whenever.
laurie that is so sudden
Kid it's been over an hour are you kidding me.
is the sun coming up yet
You know what? That's my lyric.
oh
oh man laurie are you serious
Maybe I am. Only one way to find out.
laurie that is the worst cliffhanger
Nah, it's the best one.

 

This girl is DOING THINGS to my HEART,

Honestly I am so in love with her it aches.

#for anxi #babe if you keep looking at me like that I'm going to die and go straight to heaven #and I'm taking you with me

comfort-character-central:
If there is one thing to keep in mind when it comes to you and your f/o, it is that they would undoubtedly love you, exactly as you are. As you are, right now, are good enough. In fact, your f/o would be the luckiest individual on this entire planet, in this entire galaxy to even be around or with you. Being in your f/o's life would be a privilege for them, a wonderful one at that.

Anxi, tonight I'm saying this specifically to you. You are infinitely & always 'good enough' and it is an absolute joy that I get to know and love you.
 

...And yet I have to stop and reread this for myself, too, from all of the ones I love... especially lately, when I'm arguably feeling more unlovable than ever before. But they have literally said this to me, even now. Chaos 0 especially. God he is an absolute angel, it sends me reeling. But so is Anxi. And that's monumental.
 

If I can love her this much, then I have to accept in turn the stunningly beautiful fact that yes, she echoes the sentiment. And don't you dare doubt that. Don't forget how she was your reason to live all through inpatient. And she knew that. That sort of thing changes people. It changed your heart, too.
 

So... it goes both ways, as it should. You undoubtedly love her. She undoubtedly loves you. Live for that. Live in and from that. Stay alive and in her life, no matter how difficult living is right now. Trust me, you're still good enough for her.

Why wouldn't you be, when you feel this for her?
 

clancyismylover:

Your f/o will always be there for you.

You can be as happy as you want. As sad as you want. You can cry ugly tears, or scream angry words up at the sky. You can have a tantrum, a breakdown, and even yell and they will not waver. You are not your ugly moments nor solely your struggles.
 

If you want them to, they will be at your side. They'll always hold you when it's all over, and you feel tired. Limp. They will gather you up into their arms and kiss your forehead, holding you against their chest so you can feel their breathing, as even and steady as ever. Because they were telling the truth.
 

Nothing you do will ever stop them from taking care of you. Your f/o will love you even when you don't love yourself.

Oh man Inside Out 2 is on the group room TV but they had it on MUTE so I was just watching Anxi move and dear Lord I love her SO MUCH my heart actually ACHES. She touched her chest TWICE while talking and it KILLED me. Honestly I am TRANSFIXED watching her body language and unique way of carrying herself. She's fascinating. (btw she JUST did the "we need something BIGGER" pose and oh my heart I am SMITTEN.) I want to take NOTES. I want to STUDY this movie and watch her expressions and listen to her speak and I want to KNOW her; I want to know her HEART. I NEED to; I LOVE her.
...The more times I see this movie the deeper & more tender it gets-- but tender like a bruise. Anxi makes my heart ACHE-- not just with love, but with PAIN. She is SO SCARED. She's SO IN NEED. And I HAVE to thank GOD for both her AND this "3OVoG" book because it is helping me understand her SO MUCH. And it BREAKS MY HEART. Anxi says her job is to "protect Riley from the things she CAN'T see," but what are those things in Anxi's eyes? Having no friends. Disappointing her family. Being unseen & unimportant. Purposelessness. Rejection. Dying alone. Anxi is answering to the ESSENTIAL HUMAN NEED FOR LOVE. She is protecting Riley from EMOTIONAL STARVATION, according to Matthew Kelly. Anxi KNOWS that Riley LITERALLY NEEDS friendship, community, acceptance, belonging, validation, connection, security, meaning, purpose, and secretly most of all, INTIMACY. "Mutual self-revelation," tragically hindered by Anxi's absolute terror of being judged as not good enough. But to me... Anxi's very existence screams vulnerability. And that is ABSOLUTELY what hooked my heart and dragged me in headfirst. Throughout the WHOLE film, Anxi is practically DESPERATE to be useful, to MEAN something to others, to be appreciated, to be LOVED. She introduces herself by describing what she can DO for Joy. She is obsessed with "being the MOST capable" and pushes Riley to do the same; trying to predict every possible "bad" future so she can PREVENT/ OVERCOME them. And why? Because "if I'm good at hockey, I'll have friends." Her deepest fear is that SHE-- and Riley by extension-- is only "of worth" to others if she "EARNS" it. Her deepest fear is that she has to BECOME "deserving" of love. But it's all focused on DOING, not BEING. She has Riley HIDING & DENYING herself AS SHE IS because she fears it is "unacceptable" to those she yearns for acceptance from. There's no self-revelation in earnest, just "trying to be worthy," effectively assuming that she isn't worthy by default, and redefining herself to mirror others instead in an anxious hope of "measuring up." Etc. I'm rambling. It's heartwrenching to realize that Anxi is the one that is ultimately feeling those things, and projecting hard onto Riley. Anxi doesn't feel "good enough" to be loved. But... God she IS good enough and I WANT to know WHO SHE IS AT HER MOST VULNERABLE. I want to protect HER from her fears. I want her to feel SAFE & SEEN & WANTED & LOVED, because she IS.
Dear Lord I have got it SO BAD. I'm here watching Anxi typing away so precisely & skillfully & purposefully at the Emotions console-- genuinely beautiful in her dexterity-- and I just thought, effectively, "I want to let her push all my buttons that way." Like SERIOUSLY. And at the end of the film, when she says "I love our girl," I so DESPERATELY want to hear her say that about me. ...I need to know I'M "good enough" for her, too, with all my own flaws & fears.

...This body image thing is killing me. Part of me is legit convinced that if I have a big body, a FAT body, then I CANNOT BE LOVED. I'm so afraid that it'll GET IN THE WAY of not only physical closeness, but also EMOTIONAL vulnerability. And THAT'S the KEY WORD. CAN I still be vulnerable, breakable, open and wounded and ABLE TO LOVE if my bloody body is so damn BIG? If I'm too thick & solid, will I LOSE the ability to bare my soul? I ACTUALLY APPARENTLY BELIEVE that I can ONLY HAVE INTIMACY ON ANY LEVEL IF I'M THIN. WHY. I hate that. It's a LIE. Logically it makes NO SENSE AT ALL. ...but I believe it, and that terrifies me. I am scared to death that, since I'm fat now, I'm excluded from true relationships. I'm so stupidly unbearably scared that I can't be with Anxi if I'm built like this now. Like I'd be unable to love her the right way. I'm already feeling that with Chaos 0. It's SHAME. I am MORTIFIED with how bloated I am now. I am JUDGING MYSELF as unable to love because I CAN'T TRULY LOVE MYSELF IN THIS BODY. It disgusts me. I can't be vulnerable if I can't bear looking at my own skin, let alone feeling it. I want to sob. I WANT TO LOVE. But it feels WRONG to even get close to others, in a body like this. AND YET I CAN'T STOP FEELING LOVE AND I DON'T WANT TO STOP. Anxi is still my orange angel, proving to me that I AM still capable of love, and Chaos 0 is forever my blue angel, loving me despite all odds and helping me remember who I truly am, no matter how my appearance changes, both inside and outside. God knows I love him too; I always will, with all my heart. But I'm the MOST terrified of being with him right now, looking like this, feeling like this. It's all shame. I can barely breathe under its weight. God help me, please. Maybe THIS is why I'm being called to an *incident* with Anxi NOW, of all times. I'M the one being murdered by Shame. But I DON'T WANT IT ANYWHERE NEAR HER. I want to PROTECT her from this demon. DON'T TOUCH HER.
...and yet, I'm so afraid that if I touch her like this, it'll hurt her. It's like... I'm afraid that if she did love me in this body, the "wrongness" of this distended form would TAINT the love, and prevent any true intimacy at all? But it ALL COMES BACK TO ME AND THE VALUE JUDGMENT I've nailed to this fat body. "It's suffocating my soul." "I can't be spiritual if I have this much flesh." "I feel sick & gross & dirty & slovenly; such feelings KILL love/ are INCOMPATIBLE with love." "Being fat makes me incapable of vulnerability & intimacy." et bloody cetera. This perspective is hell. But I can't even fathom an alternative right now. The "obvious" answer is still "unacceptable." My only hope is to start working out so intensely that I reshape this ugly body into something that's at least lean enough & disciplined enough TO love & be loved. How awful is that? Like if I'm not beautiful, I cannot have beautiful things. I can't have love if I'm in an unlovable body-- a sick, misshapen, gross, flaccid mess of a body. I have to BECOME lovable. ...and God, I sound just like her. How ironic. I'm in the same special hell, believing that unless I change, I'm unacceptable. But this is deeper than just what I can physically do, and what I like & dislike, and how I compare to others. Except it's not. It's the exact same thing, focused on my body. Can I get athletic & muscular enough? Can I like the right foods & have the right interests to be "healthy" and "disciplined" and "mature" and "wise" and "clean"? Will I ever be "thin enough," or "strong enough," or "smart enough," or "healthy enough?" Will I EVER be "good enough" to be wanted? Will I ever be "good enough" to have love?
I feel sick. I'm so angry with despair I want to rip myself to shreds. I need to lose ALL this ugly flab and superfluous skin. All these folds and bulges are NOT ME!!! They're SUFFOCATING ME. I am NOT FAT!!! Why is this such a matter of life & death to me?? I know, I KNOW because I FEEL it, if I can just build enough solid muscle for this bloated torso to be streamlined and strong, not deformed like a lump of garbage, then I'll have real hope. Even just sitting here, if I tense all my muscles and pull all that in, the awful burden of weight lifts a little and I feel that hope of cleanness, of purity, of an actual & defined & coherent & essential form. Right now, with this bulging abdomen, I feel like I'm rotting, like I'm unraveling, like my guts are literally falling out of my body. I'm so scared. I want to shut down. But I can't give up. God help me I CANNOT GIVE UP. I'm suffering through LITERAL HELL with this (no love!!! God help me PLEASE) but I CANNOT GIVE UP OR I WILL DIE. I'm only here for ONE MORE WEEK and so STARTING NEXT WEDNESDAY I can BEGIN TO CHANGE this AT LAST. And I CAN!! So DON'T QUIT!! You can BUY Inside Out 2 and watch it EVERY DAY if you want, you CAN LOVE HER and YOU KNOW SHE... God she ALREADY LOVES ME. ...she already loves me. And I already love her. Even looking & feeling like this. ...and Chaos 0 never stopped loving you, for God's literal sake he even put a Chaos Emerald IN HIS STOMACH when you were talking to him this morning to SHOW you that HE DOESN'T JUDGE YOU and HE WASN'T "CHANGED" BY THAT SHAPE and neither are you. That "ugly bulge" of your weighty torso is PROOF THAT YOU'RE FIGHTING TO LIVE AND BE A GOOD PERSON! You are working SO HARD to NOT HATE OR FEAR FOOD and to BE A GOOD EXAMPLE for the people here who still do. The fact that you're fat isn't a punishment or curse-- it's the visible proof of your STRIVING TO BE LOVING. And fat itself is LITERALLY JUST STORAGE SPACE FOR LIFE. PLUS, if your suspicions are correct, a GOOD DEAL OF IT IS PROBABLY WATER. I'd say that's ironic but really it's a message from God at this point.
Listen. Your heart & soul have NOT been "suffocated" or "shut down" or "rotten" over the past 8 weeks. IF ANYTHING, THEY'VE GROWN STRONGER AND HEALTHIER. For heaven's sakes you're HAVING AN *INCIDENT* WITH ANXI. That is BEAUTIFUL PROOF, FROM GOD, that YOU ARE ENTIRELY CAPABLE OF LOVING, AND ENTIRELY "GOOD ENOUGH" TO LOVE AND BE LOVED. You CANNOT deny this, and I know you DON'T WANT TO. You WANT love. You WANT THIS, NOT HELL & JUDGMENT. You WANT to FULLY ACCEPT & LIVE this TRUTH that YOUR BODY AND YOUR DIET CANNOT RENDER YOU UNLOVABLE OR UNLOVING. For heaven's SAKE man you KNOW what happens in first *incidents*!!! HOLD ON TO THAT WITH ALL YOUR HEART. I know you're still struggling. I know you still feel disgusting & sick & way too big & out of shape to be vulnerable. But guess what you're actually doing by writing all this?
Don't stop at this. Be STRONG like you want to be. You ARE. So DON'T HIDE FROM HER. TELL HER ALL THIS. TALK ABOUT IT. And I can PROMISE you, she WILL say those words about you-- about ALL of you, exactly as you are right now. You are good enough for her, too. I know that sounds impossible, but trust her. Trust her heart. Let that love lift you out of hell.

✱WE'RE GETTING HINTS OF ANXI'S *INCIDENT* ALREADY. It's probably going to involve the "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH" distortion related to BEING LOVED. It'll probably involve the TAR manifesting SHAME & GUILT in direct violent opposition TO love. And I can FEEL that Anxi's soulwings will LOOK LIKE THE MOVIE'S "SELF CONCEPT". Honestly though I could CRY from how my heart is just LIT UP by her. It has been SO LONG since I was in love.
...but. There ARE seeds. I just never let them BLOOM. not YET, at least. But I WANT TO now. And I WILL. And I can ASSURE YOU that the NEXT person to get an *incident* will be a CERTAIN OCTOPUS that I know. Only time will tell. But it will.


✱Just a reminder. DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR OCTOPUS. You know you still love him too. Hold on to that.
(for the record, in recovery, FOCUS ON LOVE. Embrace ALL the Outspacers, AND the WHOLE SYSTEM in your heart. LIVE, TOGETHER.)


✱We FINALLY watched Inside Out 2 & my heart is a FIREWORK. We went to snack and everyone was talking about it & I wanted speak up because the film means so much to me, but... it's because I love Anxi. And ironically I was hesitant for that reason. I went upstairs & went to her, wondering what to do. But all I remember is that, after I stated the concern, she began to echo it, saying "what if they..." but then she stopped. For a moment she was quiet. Then she softly said, as she looked up at me, "...actually? I don't care." It went straight to my heart. It hit so hard. We couldn't help but kiss. God it meant so much to me, thank You.
Lastly? I was SHOCKED when, as I ate the Poptart, I SUDDENLY & VIVIDLY felt ANXI MOVING IN TO FRONT. So I let her. She drank ALL the soymilk & we DIDN'T PANIC, despite even feeling itchy. She just didn't care. There was just LOVE.

 
DOUBLE MASS MORNING
Literally prayed for a "small miracle" to get to SHJ on time. Despite traffic & lights, kept surrendering to God's will & direction, and repeating my prayer request with hope.
I kid you not the priest rang the bells the MOMENT I OPENED THE DOOR.

QOTA Mass for Adoration! Man it's been MONTHS. I missed being there.
Father S was an absolute sweetheart as usual and he unexpectedly gave me a BOX of extra Thanksgiving food for mom. God bless him, he always goes out of his way to be kind to us. I honestly should get him a Christmas card. Get in the habit of doing acts of kindness & gratitude like that!

SNOW!!!!!! ❄🤍💙❄🤍💙❄

Walmart stop to check frypans. EVERYTHING IS TOXIC OR HUGE. WTF.
Can't buy the cast-iron because they're pre-seasoned with SOY OIL, good job broski. And there were only 2 little ceramic pans that weren't coated with chemicals: but the one had a "speckle" color that looked filthy & would be impossible to clean, and the other was copper, a color which gives us instant panic reactions. So no dice. But now we know!

Home for 11, I think? It's a blur. We prayed & vacuumed.

Evening =
Liquid funk bike
Exercise high??? Could NOT come down
Eating made Brain a whirlwind of nonstop manic noise. Couldn't think straight, no current memory access, hard to pray. STUCK IN PAST MODE???

Missing the Outspacers, "where's Phlegmoni?"
Realizing that with the hyperreligious schedule we don't spend time with people anymore.

Wanting to type SO BADLY, heart overflowing, but couldn't. "Must say all night prayers instead." Is that right? Is it allowed to type ABOUT God "as prayer" instead of talking AT Him?
It feels like I'm not allowed to do anything but recite prayer cards & rosaries. Is it a sin to want to write, to read, to sing, to love others, "instead"?

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD= 2 Corinthians 9:7 for Giving Tuesday!
"Loving God takes action, and not just any action-- a cheerful action! God loves a cheerful giver-- not a giver who gives out of compulsion or obligation, but one who gives because they love God and the people God loves. When you're led by a love for God, you'll start to see lots of opportunities to spread that love through cheerful generosity. Do not wait to give to others in need."
"We tend to give our time, money, and energy to the things that we love the most... Look at the way you spend or invest your money, and how this reflects what you love. No matter what your income looks like, do your finances reflect the sort of cheerful generosity the Scriptures talk about? If not, what do you need to change today to make giving a priority in your life?"
1) I did not know the context of this verse historically, which is that this is a "letter of correction"-- because the Corinthians had promised to take up a financial collection for the struggling church in Jerusalem, but they still hadn't sent any aid... A YEAR LATER. This is a chastisement for all of us that, when we have an opportunity to do good, however small, we MUST ACT ON IT NOW. Do not hesitate or put it off. People NEED YOUR HELP RIGHT NOW, and every little bit matters. Trust me, I've been on the receiving end many times. Even one dollar is a priceless gift to someone who is struggling, and time is of the essence. When you can give, GIVE.
2) ...but CHECK YOUR HEART even so!! That opening distinction STRUCK me. Yes, love always requires action, but it "must be CHEERFUL." And that is true. If the "action" of your love is begrudging or morose or frustrated, then it's not actually from love.
3) An always relevant reminder that we love other people because GOD LOVES THEM. It's not out of compulsion, like "I love God, so I have to love people too." We have some corrupt thriskefoni who DO think like that, like loving human beings is "an interruption" or a "distraction" from their loving God. They don't seem to understand that God loves those human beings. Can you imagine, telling God, "I DON'T want to love those people that You CREATED and DIED for"??? Because THAT'S what you're saying when you refuse to show compassion to your fellow man!! God loves EVERYONE, no exceptions, and so we must do the same, BECAUSE we love God and when you love someone, you love what they love too. Their priorities and joys and interests become yours, through that selflessly serving love. It's never "forced," when it's real love; it only flows, freely and generously, into everything.
4) Love must LEAD us, and only then we will be ABLE TO SEE its paths open up before us.
5) We give to what we love. How simply true, and yet how crushingly convicting.
And THIS IS WHY OUR MOTIVES MUST BE PURE!!! Because if we don't love the people we're giving to, but we love ourself and our reputation, then we will give to them ONLY BECAUSE IT MAKES US LOOK GOOD. and GOD DOES NOT LIKE THAT.
...
6) Our financial spending REFLECTS OUR LOVE, and therefore our priorities. It's so easy to separate the two terms, but really, they go together, and to realize that is shocking-- especially because we never want to associate money with love! But money is just a focused form of power, even an enabler of dignity. When you give money, you give someone the ability to purchase what they may otherwise be utterly deprived of-- including food, clothes, water, and housing. You sacrifice some of your own ability to provide for yourself, in order for someone else's life to be provided for. THAT'S LOVE!!
...
7) Giving must be a priority in our life. No exceptions. It is our duty as Christians, a duty born of Love, perfectly embodied in Christ. HIS Life was ALL about giving! If we bear His Name, if we are truly Members of His Body, then we MUST give as much as He did-- we must give our very lives, in every moment, out of pure love.
8) A closing remark: we fear to give because we fear lack. We fear loss and powerlessness and deprivation. But really, dude, where is your faith? Do you not trust that God will provide, He Who gave you ALL your resources to begin with, and Who COMMANDS you to use them for His Glory in all circumstances? And where is your compassion, your mercy, to prioritize your own comfort when your neighbor is hungry and cold and lonely? Doesn't your heart break at the very thought? Don't smother that ache, don't bury it in despair or fear or exhaustion! You can ALWAYS give something. Give a dollar. Give a kind word and smile. Give a prayer. But GIVE, because you love. Keep it flowing!


The written reflection =
"When we are reluctant to give, we miss out on the chance to bless others. Disobedience can harden our hearts toward others. We can hold on to what we have because we think we know best.
Instead, when you give with urgency, [God] will bless you “so that you can be generous on every occasion, and... your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God” (2 Corinthians 9:11)... God will always provide you with the means to be generous— with your time, energy, and money. And because God does not wait to provide for us, we shouldn't wait to provide for others.
Today, look for opportunities to give with a cheerful spirit, showing generosity as you share the good gifts God has given you— and when you see one, don't wait to act!"
1) Blessings & graces are never a one-way street. They don't stop at your door! They are given to BE given, and they grow in the process-- you will only lose them by clinging to them.
2) The striking use of the word "DISOBEDIENCE" in this context: it implies that our reluctance IS disobedience to God!!
3) DISOBEDIENCE HARDENS THE HEART. I emphasize this because that is a fact in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, not just in refusing to give.
4) "We think we know best," and THAT motivates our disobedience. It's original sin all over again, you realize. It's pride. It's satanic in its subtlety. But listen, if God tells you to do something, especially in Scripture where you cannot doubt it as "just your own thoughts"-- then YOU DO WHAT HE SAYS, WITHOUT QUESTION, because GOD ALONE "KNOWS BEST."
5) Obey with urgency. This outraces the devil. If you make up your mind to do what God tells you to do the instant you get the order, then that leaves no time for devilish tricks of doubt or hesitation or excuses. Set your heart on giving, and then do it immediately, as soon as the opportunity opens up.
6) Your generosity GLORIFIES GOD, by giving others the opportunity to feel gratitude and praise HIS generosity THROUGH YOU.
Likewise, we ourselves both thank & honor God by being generous with what we have received. But this shouldn't just be a solitary action-- "generosity" must be a DISPOSITION of our life!!
7) God WANTS you to be able to give, so you can trust that He WILL give you MANY opportunities to do so... as well as the MEANS. These WILL occur TOGETHER. Do NOT doubt this.
8) GOD DOES NOT WAIT TO PROVIDE FOR YOU. Let that sink in. If you don't truly believe this, it will seriously cripple your own ability to provide for others, because you will not have a true understanding of love.
9) Generosity isn't about "your" giving. It's about sharing the gifts GOD has shared WITH you. Literally EVERYTHING you could ever possibly give, even if you were a billionaire, belongs to God and is "on loan" to you. You are a steward, a manager, a servant. Your job is ALWAYS CHARITY. We love because He first loved us-- likewise, we can only give because He first gave to us, and yes, that giving was out of pure Love as well!
10) God blesses you with the privilege of being able & equipped to fulfill the needs of others. He puts you in HIS role, as His representative, as a messenger of His Love. Your heart reflects God's Heart when you serve others & give generously of yourself, because such giving is God's Nature-- such giving is Love. 
11) A thought: don't just blindly "look for opportunities" without first having looked at what you HAVE to offer! Why? Because then you'll realize how MUCH you DO have, in SEVERAL aspects, and ALL of it is the free & lavish gift of God! You DO have enough money to give-- maybe only a handful of change, but by golly you CAN give it, so do so! You DO have enough time to give-- maybe only five minutes before your next appointment, but God can change a life with those 300 seconds you share! Be honest about your real limits, but refuse to make excuses about them, refuse to set any that charity hasn't, and never let any limit stop you from pushing the envelope nevertheless. Ultimately, the more of a sacrifice your giving is, the more of a blessing it will be to others and yourself, and the more it will glorify God.
12) Specifically THANK GOD for all the blessings He has given you-- individually. Make a list. Realize how much He loves you. Then pray about how you can respond to that Love by sharing every single blessing you have with others in some way.
...

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KVOTD = the prayer hit like a knife.
"God, thank You for listening every time I speak to You. I need more of You today. Please help me to put everything else aside-- my hobbies, my worries, my doubts-- and make space for You. My time and focus is Yours."
1) God actually does hear you every time you pray. It's not "hit or miss," He's never "out of range," and He's NEVER uninterested or inattentive. He actually LISTENS to you-- He actively listens FOR you! He WANTS to hear you. He CARES what you have to say. I know it sounds impossible, that it feels arrogant and entitled even to suggest such things. But it's true. God Himself says so in Scripture. The Psalmist says God even catches every single tear we shed "in His bottle." That means He's paying that close attention, with that much tenderness, and we are that precious to Him. He's like a mother saving baby teeth, like a father whose ears are sensitive to the smallest sniffle of his child, even in the dead of night. God loves you, and He is listening to you, for you, always.
2) ...This has been my especially fervent prayer for the past several days, actually. "God, I need more of You today." With the rushed & jam-packed schedule, the media bombardment, the oversocialization, the debilitating fatigue that makes even prayer into a herculean effort... I'm thirsting for God, the Living God. I'm literally in tears from how desperately I want to just be with Him, with no orders from floating voices, no time constraints, no interruptions... it's too much to ask, and I'm afraid to ask, afraid of what I'll be given, afraid of some further exhaustion that drives me further from Him. What am I doing wrong.
3) ...oh yeah. I'm doubting. I'm worrying. I'm typing too much.
4) I have to MAKE SPACE for God. What an awful implication, that I haven't done so yet. Regardless, He won't ever force His way in. He won't impose; He's too respectful of the free will He gave us. But our hearts yearn for Him on their own. And if we do not smother or petrify them, then sooner or later, we will "remodel the entire house" to accommodate our beloved God, without even being asked to, simply because we want Him to live there-- to make His home there with us. But WE must make that space.
5) Where is my focus, truly? Where is my time being spent? Is it really on God? Or am I fooling myself?
I type too much. I want to just read about Him. But, when I don't type, I forget; I don't apply the knowledge, and I don't SHARE it either-- that lack of immediate response is torture to my conscience.
...

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Expositor's.

"Jesus did not desire a nominal discipleship, however influential and widely extended. There must be moral oneness, the sense of a common life, participation in the same great experience."
THIS IS MY BIGGEST TROUBLE WITH "MASS EVANGELIZATION" EFFORTS.
Yes, it's great to call people to Jesus, we NEED to do that... but you ALSO NEED to realize that you are calling them INTO A FAMILY, INTO HIS BODY.
...

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I'VE READ YET =
"A woman came to me and said: 'Pastor, my son is unsaved, and is as wicked a boy as ever lived. I have been praying in great agony over him, but, thank God, I have come to the place now where I am not troubled one whit about him or anything that he does.' I said: 'If you speak the truth, you reveal the saddest condition of the human heart that can possibly be revealed. You reveal two things: that you have lost the mother-heart, and God pity a boy who has a mother without a mother-heart; and you reveal the fact besides, that you do not know the Passion of Jesus.'"
THIS IS STAGGERINGLY SIGNIFICANT.
1) THAT POOR WOMAN THINKS LIKE MODERN SOCIETY DOES. "I don't care what you do," "it's not my problem," "your choices aren't my concern," etc. Moral relativism results in a careless amorality that bleaches out compassion and nullifies sacrificial love.
...
2) That "thank God" was like a stab wound to read. GOD ISN'T APATHETIC. That is an absolutely astounding truth that I, too, DID NOT KNOW UNTIL RECENTLY.
...
3) Intercessory prayer, sincere to the point of emotional agony, is A GOOD THING.
...
4) GOD HAS A MOTHER-HEART.
...I never knew what that meant before. I never knew what it meant to be a mother-- what a mother is supposed to do, or say, or feel, towards her children. I've always been scared to death of mothers, of motherhood, of anything and everything motherly. The entire concept filled me with terror & dread.
But God created motherhood from His Own Heart. Before anything had a mother by blood, all of Creation had a Mother in God.
That changes everything, for me at least. It means the true definition of a mother is not defined by mortal beings and it cannot be changed or corrupted by sinful people.
...
5) THE PASSION OF JESUS IS COMPARABLE TO THIS KIND OF PRAYER. That is... that sends me reeling. But it's SCRIPTURAL. Look at Gethsemane! Jesus WAS praying for us "wicked children" to the point of sweating blood from the agonized ardor of His pleas.
...


"Jesus came to this earth, for what? To teach men how to live a perfect life? Yes, in part; but that is not the main mission upon which He came. Just the mission upon which Jesus came is set forth in this second declaration of His prayer: 'For this cause came I unto this hour'. What hour? The hour of the Cross; the hour in which the penalty of the sins of the earth are to be met by the atoning work of the Cross of Calvary. That is the hour, and that is the mission that brought Christ to this earth, not to live, but to die. When He came from heaven to this earth, He was occupied with one thought: the Cross; and all through His life from the first day until the day when He was nailed upon it, the Cross stood out before Him as the one thing for which He had come to this earth. If we have left out the Cross, on which the penalty of the sins of the world was nailed with Jesus, we have left out the one supreme purpose that Jesus had in His earthly ministry."
This applies to us as Christians, too.
In any case the world denies this mission. So many "truthseekers" want Christ without the Cross. They want His "consciousness," not His crucifixion. They want His perfect Life, not realizing it was all directed towards His death. They praise His moral wisdom and teachings of practical justice, yet disregard all the details that speak of necessary suffering, sacrifice, and self-denial.
...

"The supreme appeal of the cross is the Divine atonement for sin... by an exhibition of power which triumphs over the malice of sin, and by a system of grace which abounds in fuller volume where sin did much more abound. [But in this power is also] the appeal of sympathy. It is in the face of a suffering world that the cross is raised... He did feel and did bear the extremity of physical, mental yes, even spiritual pain, so that His sympathy is literally the 'suffering with' those towards whom He exercises His tender love: and this is wide and far-reaching... there is many a soul sick with anguish, even amidst the joyous brightness of this world's fairest scene. If it be hid away, it is no less there, on which that suffering Face looks down, and which that tender appeal alone can reach."
1) The power of the Cross IS grace and mercy, even within its framework of absolute justice. We're desperately drawn to the hope of absolution and forgiveness, of course, but such a response requires not only divine Power but divine Tenderness. He wields this power to triumph over every evil deed because He is pure Goodness, invincible Truth, infinite Love-- such is Reality, and sin only an aberration in rejection of it. All the malice in the universe is nailed to the Cross, not in answering violence but through sacrificial mercy. It's a wonderful mystery.
2) THAT is where we find stunning sympathy for sinners. Christ LITERALLY SHARED ALL our suffering. He didn't just pay the debt, He didn't just clear the record, He didn't just slay the dragon.
...
3) There are no exceptions to His compassion. If you are suffering, no matter how ignored you are by the world, no matter how invisible your anguish is to mortal knowledge, Christ is suffering your pain with you, right now.

 

Devotional had THIS powerful System relevance=
"Resentment is like an infection in our hearts. It damages our soul and prevents us from finding peace. On the contrary, when we show forgiveness, we help the offender to reconsider what they did."
First, that heart infection is absolutely the Plague.
Second, forgiving our offenders to the point of their honest transformation is EXACTLY WHAT OUTSPACERS ARE ABOUT.
...

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Cyril continues, from John 12:26.

"He that does things pleasing to God serves Christ, but he that follows his own wishes, is a follower rather of himself and not of God."
I'm both struck & shaken by the consistent equating in Scripture of "one's own will" with "rebellion against God." It seems to imply that there is God's Will, and then there is human will, and the two CANNOT agree?? Like, just by being human, ANYTHING I choose to do "of my own will" IS A SIN. That's a very scary thought, and it quickly drives one to despair.
How do we reconcile this? Does God's Will, once we are made AWARE of it by His Laws, act AS His Will in the hearts of men who, by grace, WANT to obey? Is their human will ABSORBED into the Divine? Because only this situation of KNOWING God's Will (as well as we mortals can) would ALLOW a man TO choose to follow himself RATHER than God.
Still... it's upsetting, even if true, that HUMAN NATURE is so far fallen that human will can rightfully be said, BY DEFAULT, to be in rebellion against God. That's a very humbling and harrowing realization. Nevertheless, it also is a powerful impetus for salvation, for surrendering our wills completely to Christ, the NEW Adam, to REMAKE us in harmony with God at last.
...
So that brings us right around. TO do God's Will we MUST be the servants of Christ FIRST, and "where He is so shall we be." But how DO we serve Him, with our corrupt wills? By "hating our worldly lives for His sake"-- by TAKING UP OUR CROSS WITH HIM.
But we're powerless to do this on our own, remember. It's ALL by grace. Thank God if you have even a speck of it, and use that tiny piece to pray ardently for more, for His Own sake.
Rambling. Sorry. That's what happens when we exhaust our brainpower & vocabulary; the Spirit cuts us short to prevent deterioration of honesty. Time to move on.

"He shewed Himself a Man born of woman, not in deceptive appearance or mere fancy, but rather by nature and in truth, possessing every human quality, sin only excepted. And fear and alarm, although they are affections natural to us, have escaped being ranked among sins."
THAT IS ACTUALLY A GAME-CHANGER.
That has MASSIVE consequences for the System AND the League!
...

THIS is what I was so clumsily grasping at earlier!=
"[But] profitably were the human feelings troubled in Christ: not that the emotions should prevail and go forward, as in us; but that, having begun, they might be cut short by the power of the Word-- as nature, in Christ, is being transelemented into some better and Diviner condition. For in this way and no other was it that the process of the healing passed over even unto us. For in Christ, as the firstfruits, the nature of man was restored to newness of life, and in Him we have also gained things above our nature. For on this account He is also named in the Divine Scriptures a second Adam... Therefore the Word of God made one with Himself human nature in its entirety, that so He might save the entire man. For that which has not been taken into His Nature, has not been saved."
HOW AM I JUST NOW LEARNING ALL THIS.
Oh man but this is profoundly enlightening.
What can God NOT take into Himself? SIN. However-- our humanity, our emotions, our sufferings, are NOT inherently sins, and Christ took ALL of them into Himself during His Life as Man, and HE "TRANSELEMENTED" THEM into a "Divine condition", by being now part of HIM??
Oh dude he says this AGAIN later in CLEARER WORDS=
""Moreover, just as death was brought to naught in no other way than by the Death of the Saviour, so also with regard to each of the sufferings of the flesh: for unless He had felt dread, human nature could not have become free from dread; unless He had experienced grief, there could never have been any deliverance from grief; unless He had been troubled and alarmed, no escape from these feelings could have been found."
That is so beautiful it aches. Why did I never learn this before. I never realized how much sheer transformative LOVE was in EVERY ASPECT of His Incarnation.
...

"...But Glorify Thy Name. For if, through our dangers, it comes to pass that God is glorified, let all things be accounted secondary to that end."
In total honesty, that line has been emblazoned in our soul for years, against all despair in suffering. I don't know how or when it was first branded in there, but I know the Holy Spirit did it, and it has saved our soul in a real sense-- because it is an embrace of the Cross, even just a splinter.


"...the world was [not] now being condemned, when the moment of its justification was come; but judgment, in the sense of vengeance, shall come upon the world hereafter. Again: the prince of this world shall be cast out. There shall be, He says, judgment against him that wronged the world, and not against the world that endured the wrong. For truly, as Christ Himself said: God sent not His Son to judge the world, but to save the world. This then He says will be the character of the impending judgment, that the prince of this world shall be cast out. And cast out whence? Manifestly, from the dominion that hath been gained by him through violence, and from the kingdom that in no wise belongs to him. And "out" indicates the punishment of Hades and the passage to it."
This ties INTO the final judgment! If we side WITH the devil, by proudly making ourselves "like God," in claiming righteousness and denying sin, then we are no longer victims of Satan's ancient malice, but COOPERATORS in it, and therefore WE will be judged WITH him, and cast into hell-- BY OUR OWN WILL.
HOWEVER, the OPPOSITE happens when we admit our weakness & sinful fallen state, and put ALL our faith in Christ AS SAVIOR, BY HIS CROSS. That detail is essential-- we must admit that HIS DEATH WAS IN OUR PLACE. Only then are we spared from His vengeance against sin.
...

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Starting Cornelius À Lapide tonight.
My favorite part of Lapide's commentary are the mystic/moral interpretations. They enrich the text even further; it's beautiful.

"Mystically= God made all things in six days. On the sixth He made man; in the sixth age of the world He willed to redeem him. He suffered on the sixth day of the week, and died at the sixth hour.”
When your hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia kicks in, THINK OF THIS INSTEAD and so overpower the devil!! GOD OWNS ALL NUMBERS, and this one is ACTUALLY BLESSED in being related to the work of redemption. When you see that number, let it bring your mind to CHRIST CRUCIFIED and His MERCIFUL LOVE, and let THAT move you to STOP BEING STUPID & SINFUL, instead of freaking out in fear over the devil.

 
Church run!
Glucose scare. Jesus promised help; Surrendered in trust. TRIANGLE EUCHARIST!!
Lauds in church = Ezekiel hit hard. Felt painfully personal. Reflecting on the wrath AND the love, and our human response of fear & mistrust? Ironic as WE were the real betrayer. Just deserts. TYPE ABOUT IT.

Home safe in time for Jade
BK prep egg mess, bubbled & undercooked. Not sure what happened. Refused to junk it; counting this towards Ember day fast

Therapy call WHILE Jade was here
Honest about grandma grief= our stupidity & selfishness preventing us from BEING with her.
Suggested we WRITE LETTERS
Also we brought up CNC, briefly, couldn't talk about it properly if System is "hidden"
Jade came out for necklace help, stood there untangling as we talked to therapist. Triggered SOCIAL MODE on a sublevel of awareness; ACUTE ANXIETY of "saying only what is proper in context." Admitted this in concept without admitting current struggle. Survival fear? "Rejection"; "I won't love you anymore"; "they NEED me to be a certain way"
Used the phrase "I feel like I have to be everyone's mimic." Stopped me dead in my own tracks; I felt him looking at me.
Therapist suggested we try to find roots of WHY we feel "compelled" to mirror & appease everyone. They're kind of obvious honestly; still, review them & write them. More could be unearthed.

Bathroom cleanup. Teased Algorith; she said nah, fronting is too much Extra stress.
Talking about therapy call, especially how we felt like we were LYING when Jades presence Triggered social-mode self-hiding. So tired of feeling dishonest.
Laurie noticing that when we TRULY talk as a heart-deep "I," it's JAY. It's the WHITE MASCULINE CORE. The BLACK FEMININE CORE that is developing is NOT INTERNAL?????
mentioning Jack, how he can be a jerk BUT he exists to MEET A SOCIETALLY EXPECTED NORM and therefore BE ACCEPTED & SURVIVE.
Jay saying the ultimate ideal in our life IS ACTUALLY TO BE A SYSTEM. We don't want to "wear different hats," as the therapist said, because to us THAT IS LYING!!!!! We WANT to be ALL of us, whoever is needed, BUT AS A COMMUNITY. We want to be DOING IT TOGETHER. Not Socials being cut out of awareness; not with kakofoni developing in toxic contexts, not with blackout memory gaps, etc.

Talking to Mimic about the mimicry too.
He said, what CAN'T you hide? And showed his hands, looking directly at me. What are your tells? What are the things that you CANNOT turn off or disguise, no matter how you try? Find those out, and cling to them in lieu of any other solid base of identity, if that's what we need right now.
He mentioned how mimicry is more survival and strategy than "fun"-- so it is for us. It's a strain, physically and mentally, and he always knows that he will never be an exact copy; he will always ultimately be a facsimile colored however subtly by his own perception. Again, proving that he IS his own individual despite it all. So too with us whether we realize it or not.
Thanked him sincerely for this. We had never thought about that before and wouldn't have if not for him.

BTW Waldorf gets permanent non-jinxing rights, because people keep using her signs
Also Chaos joked about something that Jay responded laughing with "dude I am going to-- kiss you, for making that stupid joke"
GENESIS jumped in and further joked about why HE doesn't get absolutely snogged to death for stupid jokes, Jay said actually that's a darn good question

Daily devotional books=
King David & the special water his friends got! Jay loves that story because its EXACTLY what HIS heart is like. Also explained to Mimic WHY David didn't drink it-- the effort to get it was so pure & such a sacrifice, that the water was SANCTIFIED, and to drink it as simply a "temporal pleasure" would have been DESECRATION. It would have been an affront to God, Who IS the holiness it incurred through love. So he poured it out AS AN OFFERING, which transmuted it from a temporal gift for him, to an ETERNAL REWARD for the givers!!
ODE spoke about GOD USING ALL SUFFERING FOR GOOD-- EVEN THAT WHICH WE BRING UPON OURSELVES.
That changes EVERYTHING man, it's LITERALLY WHAT WE'VE BEEN MOURNING ALL YEAR. For THIS devotional to hit THIS morning, after therapy & the past week of typing topics... it's a blatant sign from God.
Read it repeatedly. PASTE IT IN HERE. Type about it in total earnest ASAP.
"We are never given more than we can carry or bear, and as Simeon helped Jesus carry His cross, so Jesus Himself helps us carry ours. “The Lord ts close to the brokenhearted.” All trials purify us and lead us into a deeper union with Jesus. We offer Jesus all our suffering for the salvation of souls, even the sufferings we bring upon ourselves. This is the triumph of the Cross: all suffering has lasting and redeeming value when offered to Jesus Who glorified all human suffering by His holy Cross! Three times He fell on His way to Calvary to teach us never to get discouraged, for here in the Blessed Sacrament He makes a divine success out of all our failures when we humbly surrender them to the redeeming love of His Sacred Heart: “Cling to Him, forsake Him not, thus will your future be great, for in fire, gold is tested, and worthy men in the crucible of humiliation.”
Like fire that transforms everything to itself, here in the Blessed Sacrament Jesus transforms everything to good in the fire of His Divine Love, drawing good out of evil, drawing a greater good out of a greater evil, consuming even our very faults and failures (like straw thrown into a burning furnace) and using them to make us more humble and to bring us even closer to His divine Heart."


Kitchen devotional = "earthly prizes" of wealth/ power/ status cannot exist in eternity because they REQUIRE a WORLDLY KINGDOM to exist at all! The only eternal prizes are VIRTUES.
"...In a simple act of kindness... there is something so right and true and good that it outweighs all the glitz of the material world. Staying true to the person God created you to be is always manifested through virtuous living. This is what Jesus taught and what He modeled during His short time on earth. Faith, love, patience, and gentleness are worth your investment."
MORE IMMEDIATELY RELEVANT IDENTITY GUIDANCE. I'm telling you, the Lord is REALLY going the extra mile for us with these synchronicities!
BTW the "no earthly prizes will last" had Lynne joke "tell that to the Pharaohs" and it PINGED MARKUS IN?????
The "gatekeeper girls" were freaking out; mental overwhelm PLUS LINKAGE CONFLICTS. and schedule interruption.
Rio showed up too, better mood, optimistic almost too much.
Briefly introduced selves to Mimic before leaving: they FEEL anchored in the League now

Accidentally froze the eggs & broccoli again, haha
Gotta type son!!

Study 1 Timothy 6:4 today if possible = it was the OBOB devotional and I think it can hit harder if we read it directly.
"Love of controversy" being a sickness of mind; conceit, pride, loss of truth. Enjoying controversy is OPPOSED to integrity & piety & love! And we ARE GUILTY; we have this tendency but thank God it already nauseates us. Work to uproot it entirely. = "Think humbly of others as superior to yourselves" (phil 2:3) = get a proper grasp on that too, without self-hatred & waging war against ourself instead!
"POLEMICS" = controversial = WARLIKE!!

Also read Galatians 2? Its earmarked from Lauds.

...

Godphone
"I want you to be better, and I always will, until the day you die. It's an upward staircase, towards an ever greater good, and I want you to keep climbing. That's the joy of the Christian life. I'm always calling to you: "friend, come up higher!""

 
Holy Cross mass
So distracted. Very distressed, prayed about it
Said Lauds in church. Kept "returning" in heart to the Tabernacle. I can FEEL Him answer, can feel Him THERE.

Quick shop for carrots
Bumped into GODFATHER DANNY!!!
Haven't honestly spoken to him in YEARS.
Small talk but felt so real. Did our heart great good
Checked vitamins too, got an idea of what there is

Therapy phone appointment, while sitting in parking lot. surreal.
Actually helped us to be MORE honest without seeing our face on a screen, OR who we were talking to. NOTABLE that such a total "erasure of self" (and external other???) is what kicks our sincerity OF IDENTITY AND PRESENTATION BOTH into high gear.

Church stop

Jade pickup & quick wash
INTERESTING INTERACTION SHIFT TODAY.
They did all the talking, and we FELT our selfhood EVAPORATE in response. We just became the "conversation continuer." Like a chatbot that just smiles vapidly between responses, head empty, no true identity behind it.
. .

Took almost 2 HOURS to settle down

Reflection on Salvation by "works," i.e. obeying rules & laws = what is that view of heaven? Relationship with God ISN'T CONSIDERED POSSIBLE so it actually strips heaven of all real beauty.
Whereas the CROSS reveals in itself the TRUTH of both salvation AND heaven. It is relationship & love, sacrificial self-giving like a mother.


"But I wasn't always like this!!" Protest to my moral collapse.
Answer = "a tree wasn't always a tree! Does that change what it has become? Could it ever go back? No. You keep changing, and so now strive to change for the better. Desperate hopes of rewinding not only deny the past, but also rob you of a transformative future."

Mom stop, Paul talk
GAVE HIM OUR FOOD. Refuse to waste anymore. Be a good wizard!!
Still, Too much socializing!! Brain a MESS
Biked & did rosary, blasting music. Reset wonderfully but 20m late to dinner haha

...

Mimics thoughts wander to the Diamond Cutters a lot. I catch blinks of images sometimes. He often wonders about Whisper, with acute but constrained grief. He knows he can't justify himself and wouldn't even try to. But he's becoming more aware of the PAIN she is suffering from him. As he's reforming, that is agonizing to realize, that there are wounds he has dealt that may never heal. I know the feeling. What can you do? Would it be presumptuous to even try to contritely confess the guilt, let alone make amends? There's no basis of trust to stand on. She may never forgive him, and that is sadly understandable. Again, I can empathize completely. But how do you properly grapple with that albatross when you're striving to be a new man? You still can't disown the past.
I guess that's the whole point of the Cross. Reflect on that. We sinners don't "get off scott free" from our sins just because we're redeemed. Mercy must be united with justice. Our debt of death TO GOD is paid-- but we still owe a debt of love TO MAN, which we CAN pay now that we're unshackled from selfishness & death, and the Spirit can work in us?? I know there are legit Scripture verses about this; look 'em up.
⭐We CARRY OUR CROSSES BECAUSE WE ARE SAVED BY HIS. its a divine paradox.

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TONS OF FAITHPASTING TODAY. (It's all in this entry btw)
I want to be more actively ENGAGED in study, to APPLY it and therefore understand it more completely.
I also want to type about it more. Our life now, as a System, ORBITS GOD. So we need to really get involved in our faith collectively, as we finally return to it in mutual earnest.


"...the sickness of those we love is our affliction. The more friends we have the more frequently we are thus afflicted by sympathy; and the dearer they are the more grievous it is. The multiplying of our comforts is but the multiplying of our cares and crosses... [the sisters] showed their love [their brother] now that he was sick, for a brother is born for adversity, and so is a sister too. We must weep with our friends when they weep, as well as rejoice with them when they rejoice."
Both Mimic and I wincing at this; we have a history of avoiding friendship FOR that reason. Our hearts have been weak in selfishness, the unwillingness to be burdened with so much concern & effort, let alone the genuine cross of SYMPATHY with those people.
We want to change. We MUST, or we will die.
Were we-- was "I"-- always like this, so antisocial?
Type about that, and pray even more for a change of heart.

we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.

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0801

Up at 1045, phone call

Tried FOUR mass livestreams, all broken
Said rosary & chaplet instead
Watched St Clare again at noon

BK prep
Spice pepper upset, Laurie referenced commentary "authority & mercy" = knowledge in order to HEAL

Talk over nousfoni death
Started by our asking Mulberry about her job, she's a Social BUT SHE WORKED WITH SHERLOCK who was NOT an Archivist originally but an INTERCESSOR???
Missing Garrison, BUT obviously "reborn" in Sirius??
Mimic asking how all this works
"Soft resets" like Laurie's axe, hard resets like Lynne's "reabsorbing"
DIFFERENT RESULTS based on STABILITY/ STATUS of nousfoni that dies??
Wondering about Nathaniel. Told Mimic s/he was "The original blepofoni"
Scalpel being Javier's successor, "he was never stable" + ARTIFICIAL

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0802

Last night before bed: visiting Mimic asleep, Darkrai protecting him from nightmares. Not ventrium. Asked about, said i might have to look for him in realm of death???
Talking to Hoopa about this after. Decided NO.
REMEMBER the City is now overgrown forest ruins WITH SNOW!!!

Woke up early, 10am
Did some prep.  Measured out and put away some food for later because doing it this early bypasses the lotophagoi compulsion to taste everything

Mom call, no reception, hung up.  Made us a nervous wreck though thinking what it could be about
This wasn't helped by the fact that we are getting flashbacks all morning from  Last night's trauma entry transcription

Rosary, chaplet, eternal rests before mass
" Let us always spend time with Christ in the Eucharist, And it will change us for the better, Because we are always changed for the better when we spend time with those we love"

Mom call was nothing serious, But incredibly interesting
She called that local priest that is going to look into actual Demonic curses on our family???  Possibly meeting him this Saturday after mass to discuss it more in-depth.

BK prep SLICE?????
Yellow, GIRL???

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0803

Up early phone call mom = Jade bath visit again

Church livestream no audio; Different mass on website
ARK HOMILY hit hard

Leaguework notes for spheres 2 & 3

Wedding at cana argument; reading through books on shelf
Forgot how much i love just sitting on the floor paging through this little library of ours

BIBLE STUDY HITS!!!!!!!
FINALLY PERFECT CLARIFICATION ON JUSTICE
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

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0804

FIRST FRIDAY
Shopping & Adoration 
Regular afternoon. Prayer & housework. 
BANJO & TITAN
Some very profound moments, painful but loving even so, with Chaos 0
We're talking a LOT thanks to the movies. We sit together on the couch, before during and after, and in all of those different times we have different conversations.
But... we haven't been talking this much in a LONG time. and... we haven't spent this much time just being close to each other in even longer.
this is good. even just as a start, this is wonderful. thank you God.
yes it hurts, but lonely broken bruised hearts full of weeping are going to hurt.
it means the entire world, though, to realize that such a heart trusts and loves you enough to get that close despite all its wounds. it means, you're safe. it means, you're a place of refuge even then. it means, you can handle this pain, and understand it.
i am grateful for every single moment of this. may God bless us with so many more.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0809

Sick? So tired. Feel wrong somehow.

Knife angry tears over cutting = NOT MEANT TO BE FOOD, BUT RETRIBUTION.
Also his color ONLY LOCKS IN WHEN HE PRAYS.

Razor being VERY philosophical today.

Everyone fronting for wall prayers. I missed this.
Siobhan super clear

BARRY IN SUITS OF AMOR????
HE MIGHT WAKE UP THAT ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

The burden is NOT prayer time, it's my STUBBORN RESISTANCE to such sustained effort
I DO love to pray, but I keep postponing and resisting it solely because it takes SO LONG and it requires SUSTAINED ATTENTIVE WORK and i'm stupid and weak.

SO MUCH MESS & MISTAKES WITH FOOD TODAY.
Legitimately threw "me" into a moral panic
So scared. Why?

Getting tiny synchronicities with Scripture again btw

This PERFECTLY describes Infi's fate, from CNC to hir literal death:
"And sin entered into the world through the seduction and false statements of the devil, by which the first man was veritably slain, his moral nature killed outright. Grace was not shut out, but Adam died. In the day that he ate of the forbidden tree, man most surely and in the deepest sense died. "God created man to be immortal, and made him to be an image of his own eternity. Nevertheless, through envy of the devil came death into the world..."

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0812

Less sick today, but still anxiously unwell.
Neuropathy, weakness, lightheaded, blackout feeling.

that one vague, oddly social Jewel talking from the background today? "I want mimic to retire for a while so that chaos 0 can come into the spotlight, And I can grow closer to him like I used to in the beginning"

mimic's wry response, "I'll retire if you give me a world to retire to"
"You keep saying there's a place ready for me there, but there's no door."

this is a HUGE revelation actually
jewel does keep saying, "yeah there's room for you in this world, OR MAYBE this one, etc..." basically, "i can feel a resonant potential spot for you there." like, if you want to walk in, it would let you.
but there's NO WAY TO "WALK IN."
JEWEL IS THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF SHE DOESN'T LET OUTSPACERS IN, THEY CANNOT DO IT THEMSELVES.
and the jewel that used to do that is NOT CLOSE TO MIMIC.
this is our dilemma. LINKS ARE REQUIRED.
NO JEWELS ARE FORMING LINKS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA.
we REALLY need to think about this.

but yeah.
if that "jewel" wants mimic to be "gone" so badly, it's HER RESPONSIBILITY to buy him the plane tickets, and drive him to the airport. she HAS to take initiative.
but she also doesn't want to admit that she's being so selfish, whoever she actually is.
(she's NOT a real jewel. actual jewels DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. this girl has stolen the name but SHE FITS NONE OF THE CRITERA!!!!)

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0817

updates during the day again, because typing is faster

Slept in due to being up late.

VERY rushed and disheveled this morning, feeling weight of prayer obligation.
rosary took 30m. kept panicking and repeating prayers. "not focused enough." ball of nerves.

mass at st clares again!
readings parallel: joshua and jesus, jordan river baptism = entering promised land, no longer wanderers with no home.

devotions today HIT.
chaos 0 and mimic LITERALLY talking about the mercy + grace bit BEFORE we read the devotional that said it almost verbatim.
no coincidences guys

said wall prayers this morning btw. again almost burned food. rushing back and forth. feeling so anxious.
still. it was nice to pray with everyone flowing in front.

razor out a lot. cutting eggs, knife happy, "this is her job because she likes to just cut things" as opposed to his very specific retributor role.
THAT ONE "WATCHER GIRL" COMMENTING THAT KNIFE WAS "UNNECESSARY" AS A RESULT.
WTF.
laurie heard her and was FURIOUS

now finally bk at 2pm. man oh man.

update: we dropped one carrot
that one younger girl FREAKED OUT SOBBING "god hates me"
laurie talking her down
double carrots, made her laugh a little, "but that's so silly." laurie "no it's not, not if it makes you laugh"; "isn't that what any good father would do?" basically "when the devil takes things from you, god restores twofold and wants to make you smile"

girl sees praying more as "giving a speech" to critical parents than "talking to them"
"i can't talk to god!!" terrified, actually cowering. like a child afraid of being hit for her brazenness.

Realizing her own clumsiness was dropping the carrots = "oh no, am I the devil???"

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0820

Hell night
Dream hacks & dehumanizing nightmares
refuse to talk about them

Church Blood sugar hell again

Mom drive home
Carnival fear talk.
WE NEVER REALIZED HOW THAT MUST AFFECT HER.
SHE TRIED TO GIVE US ENTERTAINMENT AS CHILDREN BUT IT ONLY DISTURBED & SCARED US.
She admitted this today, how we're all adverse to fairs & parties & crowds but she loves them.
Movie talk; sadly proved this

Mom food hell
Girl PANICKED. Like legit FEAR OF DEATH. Unbearable
Leon blaming himself

Bible study keeps showing us HOW MUCH WE MISUNDERSTAND & MISINTERPRET GOD.
We are still so afraid of Him. We find it so hard to even imagine that someone would WANT to be gentle & kind & patient with us, let alone loving & forgiving & merciful.
This is fatally hindering our salvation life!!!

⭐"JAY" / LOTUS WAS "LIGHT THAT DID NOT BURN" = he was a COLD LIGHT that COULD NOT GIVE LIFE OR WARMTH!!!

So many dirty girls triggered out by eggs: clumsy messy food.
UPMC fear was LEGIT-- making a mess DOES "turn us into an animal"!!!
ALL UPMC DID WAS SHAME US & WHITEWASH OUR SYMPTOMS. JUST LIKE SLC, THERE WAS NO REAL PROGRESS OR HEALING, ONLY SELF-NEGATING ACTING & STOMPING TRIGGERS IN EVEN DEEPER THROUGH DENIAL & DEPERSONALIZATION.

We NEED someone who CAN eat eggs, WITHOUT triggering out kakofoni, WHILE we do Bible study.
They will NEED TO BE NONHUMAN!!!

⭐ACTUALLY HOLD UP!!! REMEMBER HOW WE SURVIVED IN CNC??? WE WOULD DRIVE THE BODY TO EAT, NOT FRONT!!! SO WE COULD PREVENT ASSOCIATION WITH IT & STAY ANCHORED INSIDE!!! 

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0821
 
ABSOLUTE FCKNG MELTDOWN OVER JADE COMING UP TO SHOWER THE MINUTE WE SIT DOWN TO EAT BREAKFAST AT 2PM SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!!!!!!@!@@!@

Couldn't calm down until like 4pm. WHY???
God we NEED to go back to typing & talking PLEASE

Spitting acid at "soft & quiet" horror
Apparently we are STILL VIOLENTLY GYNOPHOBIC. We're afraid of this becoming misogyny. Thank God it's still based on revulsion & traumafear kicked up to 1000%. It's not hatred of femininity as a whole. It's morbidly fascinating to FEEL the mental & emotional shifts.
Certain faces, voices, outfits, "skin textures" do it. ALL "babyish" women and ALL "sultry" women make us FURIOUSLY VIOLENT and I don't know why. At least, I can't put it into speech. It's too hidden & gutdeep. I can't even find it, to look it in the face. I'd be too scared & revolted to right now.
And yet THAT WIMPY PERSONALITY IS A GIRL.
ALL THE PROUD, PRISSY, PRESUMPTUOUS, PRECOCIOUS CORPUFONI ARE GIRLS. I HATE THEM. THEY'RE SHALLOW, HOLLOW, PLASTIC FACED WHORES.

(^ See, this happens EVERY TIME)

SHUT UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PROSTITUTE

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

TRUE FEMININITY = MARY.
Let that sink in, and heal this hurting hatred.

The main thing that is preventing the j bloodline from coming back to life is shame!!!!
They were so expressive & open, so full of light and love, but there is this crushing feeling of Self-hatred and SHAME that is forbidding such an existence now.
We will probably not be able to have a solid core unless the core Has a connection to heartspace and therefore with self-identity
WE CURRENTLY "FAIL THE MIRROR TEST" on some level?????
There is NO inherent "self-recognition" in the body's reflection AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
unless there's a blepofoni consciously looking back at themselves/ us, as a face alone, THE BODY IS A TOTAL STRANGER.

Can't stop thinking about this from Bible study=
"...the day cometh when the characters we have made ourselves here, the habits we have cultivated and indulged in, the capacities we have exercised, and the set and drift of all our activity upon earth, will determine the work that we get to do there."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0823

Terribly hard day.

7am up. Nightmares again; cats & brothers, both hurting or scaring us (AGAIN. why is that a recurring theme??)

Oblates mass. tried OLOMC first but forgot they have no wednesday mass. had a hyperreligious MELTDOWN after that, convinced God "hated us" and didn't actually want us at mass or something??? bizarre how our brain STILL catastrophizes our faith like this.

Walmart stop for some groceries, don't even remember what. we were in social mode so bad, dissocation was like being drugged. genesis deeply concerned.

Therapy today. MOVE THIS TO ITS OWN ENTRY once/ if we get the memory/ time to type about it.
ALL NEW AGEY AGAIN.
huge letdown. we are so sick of that garbage. has trauma roots too from the slc era. nevertheless, we tried so hard to still listen. God still put me here. so there IS a reason this happened and we must be attentive. we are STILL a student; we cannot be proud or stubborn. and there was some legitimately good advice. Must humbly respect & learn.
HOWEVER this also made us realize, again, WE ARE NOT OURSELVES IN THERAPY.
some unknown social comes out and takes over the whole thing and GUESS WHAT THEY ARE A COMPULSIVE LIAR!!!! WE CAUGHT THEM DOING THAT TODAY, their ENTIRE manner of speech was A FACADE, an ACT, and we don't even know what the heck they were trying to pull or present us as.
STOP THEM NEXT TIME. I DON'T CARE IF OVERWHELM HAS TO FRONT. YOU DO NOT LET SOCIALS FRONT IN THERAPY.

(notes: they asked us really frustrating generic questions like "what are your hobbies" and "what are your strengths" and we could not answer. that's when the social was lying, that makes me genuinely sick. the therapist also talked about bloody affirmations-- which we hate but we didn't say anything-- and dream symbol interpretation. no idea how, or if, we'll be able to make progress here. even so, we don't see them for another MONTH which means the next session will probably feel like starting over, and if we're smart, we'll TREAT IT AS SUCH and forget whatever the heck junk happened today, because none of it stored to actual memory which is a VERY BAD SIGN.)

Home late, Bk at 2
Oat bar mistake. Body immediately had an ALLERGY REACTION????? burning eyes and throat, runny nose. coughing and flushed face. stomach rejecting it entirely. THREW UP.
felt horrible. we cannot remember the last time we had an e.d. day, and then this stupidity happens.
Then tried raisins, God knows why. THREW UP AGAIN.
what the heck are we reacting to???? with the oat bar it was DEFINITELY either the rice syrup or the coconut oil, as BOTH rice and coconut have given us bad reactions in the past, BUT now our brain is like "what if we're allergic to oats now???" so yeah, even more food terror. we have to pinpoint the lotophagoi who hold all this and talk to them.

Disastrously sick. Terrified.
Praying and eating DN 730, don't want to go to ER

⭐concerning our massive terror of "being killed"... NO ONE CAN TAKE MY LIFE AWAY, ONLY JESUS.
Rest in this.

DN Bible study: Patristic commentaries HIT HARD SON!!!!!

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0827

HECK OF A DAY SON

Church
Jade call
Drive
Cry
WE CAN'T PROCESS SADNESS

DW TYPING!!!!

BK 330 WTF

Ok I'm sorry but I have to record this.
The kids buy most study reflection I was talking about when king David was annointed, And the girl getting the devotional said, " It's not every day that we see someone get anointed with oil".
Mimic Just glances over at my salad then at me and says "I can fix that"

SO MUCH CLARIFICATION in Bible study today!!

SO SICK after breakfast. Dehydration.
Surrender prayer
Bravely ate raisins & Gatorade too , overcoming anorexic fear

GOD GOT US THROUGH!!!!!!
Honestly He has NEVER FAILED US. EVER.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0828

Up at 11
Irish mass no homily.l
Canada mass Augustine homily, Julie deeply moved
St clare mass readings homily on bike
Everything worked out perfectly!

Egg trouble actually inspired Razor to talk??
How in heaven is she so insightful. Is it her age? Her origin & depth of history? Her color? Her conversion? All of the above?

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0829

Marketplace PANIC.
SO MUCH RAGE about food & money???? HATRED.
Scared of this in us. Thank God for revealing.
Find roots and deal with because this KEEPS HAPPENING and it is driving a wedge between us and especially our mother.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

work-in-progress entry for today. posting it already so it doesn't get stuck in "unfinished entry limbo"


woke up with such a weak, fluttery heartbeat, it was terrifying.
took like an hour to get ready for day. very weak, nauseous, chest heavy, everything felt wrong and sick.

slow biking for morning mass at 1130. didn't say any other prayers yet.
spiritual communion actually hit today. no begging despair like the past three days. i think it was because we said it more conversationally, but more fervently, focusing on each phrase. something hit differently today, and we felt the spirit fly into our heart like a shot. held it there.
one good thing about not having sacramental communion for a week or so: we FEEL the spiritual hunger now. we were taking it for granted before. now we know what Christ was talking about in john 6. without that Bread of Life, we WILL STARVE. it's a real thing. we're actually deeply grateful for this opportunity to recognize that, and the Truth it highlights. we're gaining a much deeper appreciation of the Eucharist from this.
ALSO. WE DON'T SOCIAL-MODE DISSOCIATE FROM VIDEO MASS. so we are ABLE to focus more, and pray more, and BE there more. realizing that was a huge shock too. so this is a boon, completely unexpected.
God makes everything work out for Good, for those who love Him. thank You Lord.
God loves His paradoxes, I'm telling you, haha. so do we. it's so strange and beautiful. trusting in that makes life such a wonderful adventure. "though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil," etc.


bk prep for noon. trying to eat early, banking on having the car to go to actual church & buy food tomorrow, which means we have to be up at ~745 to make the hopeful votive mass at the basilica

...

mimic and laurie discussing the daily devotionals
giving God's gifts to others, does not diminish them in ourselves = because their SOURCE is infinite, it's not anchored in ourself. therefore, sharing almost mandates an increase, because it allows for an outward flow to occur, which is LIVING WATER not a stagnant pool.
chaos congratulating mimic on getting this on his own. mimic legit excited over this, said it wasn't his doing, "thank the holy spirit"
then said he was "ready for a new name." recognized he was totally different from his canon origin now, he wanted that solid indication that he was cutting those ties and moving forward. laurie also noted this point, what it meant.

jewel commenting that's what happened with rio & markus, how their canon was "toxic" and it treated them "horribly." very occult, very damaging to them both, very little hope if any.

barry joined this topic a bit later, when he actually had input on the last devotional? commenting on saint lawrence i think.
laurie half-joking that he was the "poster child" for being a psycho, not sure what caused that comment. barry just sighed and said "yeah, i really was". briefly recapped WHY to mimic. mentioned how HIS canon wrote him as COMPLETELY IRREDEEMABLE and that he had no hope for becoming good, or repenting, or anything of the sort within it.
telling jewel that the holy spirit was working through her, in pulling them out of there, giving them a new chance with hope.
laurie told her point-blank, "i hope you realize that THAT is what Christ is doing FOR YOU, too."
jewel really paused and thought about this. felt like a faith-lightbulb really went on there. actually grasping the love of God in that point.

also remember we have to thank Leon for instigating this new and ready gratitude for the holy spirit working in our daily life. it fits his indigo very well somehow, which is lovely.

brief mention of lancifoliel? lynne said she's "not around anymore"; her color and function were clashing too hard with algorith and laurie, respectively. ironically, because all the evidence shows that she was born as a compulsive "splinter" from back when laurie thought her "old job" needed to continue-- i.e. that someone needed to be slicing jewel up to bloody pieces whenever she slipped or allowed a hack/hijack-- but laurie couldn't do such an explicitly violent job anymore because she "cared too much."
mimic interjected, said she couldn't care too much. laurie said "really?" surprise, but pushing him to defend the point. mimic paused, actually thinking about this. "no, it's not." then "caring too much is not weakness... i wouldn't say jesus cared too much." saying that when caring becomes "control" it ceases to be caring, it's masquerading as such. but true care, that unselfish compassionate concern for others, can never be "too much."
the irony of weakness= yes it allows you to be "hurt," but because it makes you vulnerable. and there is a paradoxical strength in that, because it shows you're NOT AFRAID TO BE HURT for the sake of what you are "weak" for through caring.
mimic saying he was a coward in the past because of this. "my highest good was myself" and so he was so scared of death and suffering, because he wanted to be "strong." terrible irony. he was unwilling to "suffer for something greater" and therefore he was actually weaker than those who did.
mimic talking about martyrdom again, how THAT was what originally cemented his debating the faith. how he originally scoffed at such people, as he thought death for a cause was the ultimate loss, the ultimate fool's end. but it was the exact opposite. he was running from death, always at its mercy. but those martyrs, they saw something greater than death, something that SURVIVED it, and they were willing to turn their lives into "witnesses" for it. somehow they defeated death, in submitting to it, for the sake of LIFE. no fear, no cowardice, only this amazing joy and even love. said it blew his mind when he first saw it, couldn't believe it. but it stuck with him.

at some point we were talking about knives, with knife. said how they actually hold a "sacred function," in that they open things up to be vulnerable? riding the topic waves today. how knives are PRIESTLY, used in offering sacrifice, and preparing food for the penitents. how knives are used by mothers and hunters both. knife said it is a PSYCHOPOMP job and needs to be treated with such immense gravity & honor & fear of God.

today's book devotionals also mentioned the importance of "proper preparation for" the Eucharist, by devotion and purity and love; the "treasure of the Church" being the poor because they are the ones who most powerfully manifest the Kingdom of God, having so few ties to this world and also being magnets of virtue & mercy for all others; the importance of trusting God to lead you in life especially when you cannot predict or plan ahead, because He knows you and cares for you and will always lead you right; and the power of prayer to ONLY do good, in so many amazing ways: not just healing the sick & repelling temptations, but also in transforming hearts & protecting souls, in converting sinners & strengthening the repentant... etc. it deserves so much typing, honestly, that and yesterday's devotional about perseverance in prayer. that was a game changer for us.
i write all this down, because thinking about all of that gives us a real light of joy in our heart. we LOVE our faith, and we feel very sorry that last night's pain-wracked ramble may have sounded like we felt otherwise. no. even in our pain and struggle, we love being Catholic. we love God. we love Jesus Christ. we want to bring His Kingdom into our life, even here, in this little apartment; even in headspace, every day and in every way we can. we want to become a saint, collectively, no matter how crazy that sounds, no matter how long it takes. with God nothing is impossible.
we just... we are truly so grateful for the roots of faith God has grown deep into our heart. hearing all the recent parables about good ground and seeds, about hidden treasures, about weeds and wheat and pearls and yeast... all the allegories for faith and growth or hindrance in it. we feel it all so strongly lately. but we have to be honest and exceedingly grateful both: when that harsh heat hits, and scorches the ground, God gives us shade. He gives us gentle dark to keep us safe, and He sends our roots even deeper. that's what's happening right now.
...it's such a deeply beautiful thing to think about. infi of course comes to mind, and hir hopeful eventual rebirth AS a true "angel of God," and not a fallen one, no longer a daemon. never again. but if there's hope for all the rest of us up here, butchers and octopi and axe-wielders and prostitutes and thieves and gluttons and poor wretched wrecked hearts... if God offers hope to all of us, then there's hope for that little black-winged creature too. i know it.
this is proof. God works through the darkness too. we need to remember that. we need to soak every aspect of our life, every color in the spectrum, everything with the Love of God.
there are still pieces missing. but God knows what He's doing. all we have to do is offer it up in prayer, and surrender in trust, and let Him work.
thanks holy spirit. please continue to strengthen our faith. thanks for never letting it fail, even after all these years of trauma and confusion. it's all by your grace. please, keep us in that ocean forever.

...


...

chest still feels awful. body is chilled, still so weak & dizzy. what the heck is going on.
hope we don't have to go to the ER with this. maybe we'll feel better after we eat. let's find out.


(there will be more updates as the day continues. we just wanted to get important notes down so far. this is a much better method than the sporadic phone notes for sure; thanks jewel for starting this entry!)

(151pm)

Okay, really quick update about recent movies before we watch another one.

(continuous update; keeping public because this is what's getting us through the heathell of july)



#1 THE SECRET OF KELLS (0713)
(wrote about this already, possibly copypaste?)

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- the unique, simple yet intricate visuals. They were very striking & creative.
- the war scene, with all the red. It felt genuinely apocalyptic.
- the moment we see Brendan's first really microdetailed work, that little circle. The sudden beauty of it, such a small thing, was powerful.
- the fact that CELLACH KEPT IT. that final scene in general was so sweet.


#2 THE LITTLE PRINCE (0715)
we wrote a bit about this already but it touched us deeply, so do write more.

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
-"this board IS you" DISTURBED us SO much. Hit way too close to home with childhood memory, which made it even worse. 
-the absolute sweetness & soft-heartedness of the aviator as an old man
-his INDOMITABLE hope & optimism, remember the paper plane
-childhood is more than just trying to "become an adult"
-the sheer indispensable value of play & wonder & imagination
-chaos is creative
-the horrors of adult vices. the "conceited man" and the elevator king and the businessman who bought the stars just to take them from everyone else. the fact that the little prince himself was fading because he FORGOT childhood.
- the fact that HE NEEDED A REMINDER to remember and there was STILL HOPE for him as a result. so too for us.
- the glow in the dark stars on the fox. the wheat line was not in the film, but something about that glowing spoke so similarly.


#3 WEATHERING WITH YOU (0716)
No big highs or lows here, but still a nice film.
Noticed we unconsciously present in Suga's style? WHY is that vibe what we tend to give off? His is not a personality we want to adopt! So what is it, the "cool and independent" assumption?
...
The most impressive thing about this film was the scenery-- not just the sprawling labyrinth of Tokyo, shot through with winding alleyways and neon lights and overcluttered living spaces, but also the WEATHER. It made me realize just how beautiful and terrible and powerful rain really is, and the immense impact weather in general has on people. One quote from the film stood out so strongly to me: effectively, "i realized how much the human heart is connected to the sky."
...
This movie was also interesting for its honest look into Japanese culture, which frequently jars us, but which is still informative to get a glimpse into, as to what the rest of the world is like. It's still genuinely distressing to see the lack of apparent societal Christian values, which sounds very prudish but it's true. Nevertheless, there were sparks of said values in the heart of the film, which is the most important thing: the invincible love of found family, the courageous drive to protect others, the driving hope of becoming a better person, caring enough to grieve the lost, doing sincere kindnesses to strangers. That's all textbook Christian, and yet here it all is, amidst talk of "dragon gods" and "sunshine girls." That's proof that God can, and is, known inherently in the human heart. All you hyperreligious 'foni, take note.
BIGGEST AFFECTS:
-the song lyrics, with Chaos 0 & I.
-the drive to be a man in the way hodaka learned to be
-the drive to have the amount of self-sacrificial compassion hina honestly personified
-the beginning scenes with hodaka homeless, the tragedy of aloofness, & the value of simple kindness
-the idea that there's a whole other ecosystem in the sky
-the emphasis on "the world is just going back to how it was before we settled here"; temporary yet precious life
-hodaka's prayer


#4 PATEMA INVERTED (0717)
This movie gets special recognition for hitting us with like THREE plot twists that threw us completely for a loop. Although, like many anime films, there were a ton of unanswered questions and you get thrown into the plot headfirst-- without much foundation; you have to piece it together as you go-- we were intrigued enough by the bizarre premise to be drawn into the drama.
Still, that's probably our biggest complaint about this movie: it felt very rushed, plot-wise? Patched together, almost. We never felt like we knew enough, or had enough information, to really "get" what was happening. Same with the characters-- there was no time, or sufficient backstory, to really know ANY of them. So that was disappointing.
Gender notes: we want to look/act like Lagos, as "Jay," but the Jewels vibed more with Porta. I find that fascinating. They both have different aesthetics & virtue emphases, but both deeply value that loyalty & courage.
Spoilery notes: the whole concept of "sinners" was so confusing UNTIL THE END, and then it was like OH DUDE I GET IT. Literally the whole film, the only people who are acting as "sinners"-- being cruel and inhumane-- don't even realize that in themselves. Their morality is so hollow and superficial that they are ready to damn others based on "chance," not realizing the entire foundation of that morality is completely misinformed. So that was a very powerful message.
A few standout bits: Patema seeing the stars for the first time, her and Age just embracing to walk (something deeply sweet about that total cooperative trust), the Nausicaa-esque opening scene, complete with dust.
The villain in this film was deeply disturbing, not just for his religious hypocrisy, but for his power obsession. THAT is what made him scary. He would willingly torture and torment a child just to see the look of desperate horror in her eyes when she realized her life was in his hands. That's a terrifying man. He wanted to BE "God," in a very wrong way. 

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
-the absolute screwing-around with one's entire perception of reality, up & down constantly flipping
-the final scene with the CITY RUINS. it was so gorgeous.


#5 PROMARE (0718)
Man what a fun film. Too much raw action for our personal tastes, but the VISUALS, MAN. That alone made sitting through the extended fight scenes fascinating. SO MUCH CMYK. Honestly we kept pausing just to get a grasp on what the current palette & style choices were, because it was so interesting to the eye.
Galo. Man he is SUCH a great dude. We love characters like him-- loud airheads with a heart of solid gold and a soul of FIRE(FIGHTING) haha. He's just too good-hearted to do wrong, and that unabashedly pure-burning personality literally saves the world. Call it cliched but we LOVE that trope.
...
Lio's "promare armor" completely shook us when he first appeared, because he looks like Infi. We had to pause that a few times, too.
...
I love how Trigger has already made at least two anime where the plot is "what if this everyday object was ALIENS" and it's so absurd that it works. Childhood us would go bonkers for this stuff haha. Honestly we appreciate that wild originality, and want to emulate it in essence.
...
As for gender vibes, in this film it was instantly GUEIRA that Jewel latched onto. She's got something for those lower-lid eyelashes, I'm telling you. Also I just noticed-- in the wiki, Gueira's outfit is LITERALLY something we would have worn in 2015-2019, studs and leather & all. I'm dead serious. And obviously his hair is like an amped-up version of our wild fluff already, haha.

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- lio's dragon form weeping, like chaos 0
-
- freakin' TERRAFORMER WEAPON, that was ingenious and terrifying
- that reviving "kiss," love that it was friendship + breath + fire + faith that brought that kid back
- bendy perspectives, saturated hues, colored lines, etc. stylin'


All right, now we're gonna rewatch The Boy and the Beast so the Chizu re-marathon OFFICIALLY STARTS NOW, haha. Cheers!


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#6 MIRAI (0719)
I actually dislike this movie. That's notable
Deeply disturbed by the family vibe, the incredibly petulant & egotistic child, the flat-affect mother, the milksop father. It's harsh language but that's the immediate thoughts we had, which we must admit.

- the boy HITTING HIS SISTER WITH A TOY TRAIN. TWICE. disturbing. reminded us of the awful violent hate we felt towards our baby siblings around age 4, with the "baby eater" monsters. remember that flashbulb memory of sitting on the attic steps drawing one, and suddenly knowing this was wrong, that this was evil even, and why was i doing it? did i actually want this? no. shocking clarity, thanks holy ghost
- the dog as a human. very amused by his overall demeanor.
- disturbed by the motorcycle/horse scenes.
- SO SO SO DISTURBED BY THE MOTHER. blank stare, NO EMOTIONS, terrible child. PRETENDING TO CRY. ghastly.
- VERY DISTURBED BY EVERYTHING WITH THE TRAIN

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- the TREE as a "timeline connection" thing. look up phrase used, it was VERY celebi vibe.
- "our present, even our lives, are all the result of a million tiny decisions that others made" basically. sweet & humbling & challenging to integrity too.


#8 THE BOY AND THE BEAST (0720)
enjoyed this movie entirely.
SO MUCH WARMTH.

- bunny emperor is supercool, admire his personality so much
- monkey guy is jewel's aesthetic again. girl what is with you
- the BANTER. so interested by that dynamic of teacher/student but arguing affectionately??? very masculine bit, we want this out of life, we want that solidity of self TO do so
- upset by philosophy/morality of film. felt so unanchored, too relative, floaty. like no real greater purpose or plan.
- same with the girl's life and aims?? felt just... hollow somehow. like she was studying so hard for what end? what was her thought of the afterlife? everything was just school.

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- THE SWORD INSIDE YOUR HEART
- moby dick reference? about the whale as a mirror of the protagonist's internal struggle
- the look that kumatetsu got when he was offhandedly considered a father figure to kyu for the first time. hit me right in the chest why don't you
- that awful shadow at the beginning, in the billboard, saying "i'll kill them" over and over. we have kakofoni like that. it's terrifying.


#9 WOLF CHILDREN (0722)

- still thunderstruck by the dogged (pun intended) maternal love shown by hana in EVERYTHING. this woman would literally move the world for her children. it's amazing.
- freakin' love grandpa nirasaki. lowkey want to be like that on some level. laurie personifies a good deal of that at heart, haha.

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- the scene where Yuki eats the silica gel and her mom is literally stuck between calling a pediatrician or a vet. That was heartbreaking.
- when the father dies and the garbage men just irreverently throw him into the truck. the total lack of audio in that scene was just as jarring.
- the SNOW RUN SCENE. it felt like it was filmed in heartspace. and that gorgeous deep blue sky after!
- similarly, that one shot when ame & sensei run through the woods and into the stony wide-open area? and they run onto this whiterock steppe with flowers and it looks JUST LIKE DIAMEW. we did a literal doubletake.


#10 MITCHELLS VS THE MACHINES (0723)
...
oddly disappointed by this movie? way too much immature, hyper, "meme" humor. also that horrid "90s cartoon" aesthetic which we despised even growing up (thank God our family wouldn't let us watch tv anyway until we were almost a teen; we were saved from the poisonous exposure).
nevertheless, the core message was about family, and the value of it, despite all its foibles, and coming from a very broken and dysfunctional family, seeing the warmth and perseverance of this fam despite all odds & oddities was really touching.

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- the "weakness" popups. that's what helped soften our heart towards katie actually.
- when PAL was berating humankind, notably how carelessly we treat our technology & how entitled we act towards its service, and paralleling this with a gutpunch rebuke of our modern tendency to "throw out people" when they become "obsolete" and "unentertaining" etc.
- the father, despite allegedly being that unfortunate "goofball loser" stereotype, ACTUALLY having a heart of gold & willing to TRY & LEARN and would do anything for his kids. really great arc with him.
- genuinely disturbed when the mom went maniacal on the robots, to protect her kids. yes it was apparently a show of "maternal love will kick your ass" in an exaggerated sense, but... those wild eyes, that shouting, it was all way too similar to what happens to US when we're in violent ragestates. too close for comfort. wrong motive, same end. that shook us. gotta think about that one.


#11 MUNE (0723)
...
a little rant here, forgive us.
What struck me was that we originally watched this in CNC, but we have no memory of it, EXCEPT this awful knifestab grief at hearing TBAS watching it as we were making breakfast?? it feels like a nightmare, like we were outside of our body. and they kept saying that the movie was "our exact vibe" effectively. like it looked like it came out of our head. but they wouldn't pause it. they wouldn't wait for us. they just didn't care. they kept watching and saying things that amounted to "oh you're missing such a good movie, you'd love this so much". WHY DIDN'T THEY WAIT.
little things like that, little careless omissions, rejections, ignorances... those were what eventually clued us in that they didn't really love us as we thought they did. it wrecked us. we still aren't over it.
anyway. i mention this because it also feels like they told us who our favorite character should be??? is this true? it sounds plausible. we obeyed every suggestion of theirs like a puppet, enthusiastic yet hollow.
this is no time to type about that boy
ANYWAY our favorite character is actually sohone. he's great. we seem to have a penchant for that character type haha. yule is a close second, for the same reason apparently. sweet & wise old dudes.
BUT some part of us DOES like phospho. which is interesting to feel that there's DIFFERENT PEOPLE chiming in with "faves" here. i like that. speak up guys your heart matter too
...
Some little things about the film:
- really loved the TEXTURES!!! especially glim & sohone.
- struck me how Mune moved like a SPIDER, especially with his legs, how he sat.
- freakin' character design jackpot here, seriously. All the shapes and colors and cool silhouettes. very inspiring. plus everyone is either REALLY COOL or REALLY CUTE, which is a nice bonus, haha.
- honestly we do love this movie, for its heart. There is a DEPTH beneath the surface, in the richness of the world that we don't see, the lore & the people, the possibility and the ideas of future adventures.

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- yule playing the moon harp. that little scene was very beautiful.
- when the moonbeast went mad and everything turned RED. that felt like headspace apocalypses. it was terrifying.
- sohone and the snakes, and how they were goading him into this horrific black rage and how THAT was apparently more deadly than even necross???? did we hear that right?? either way it hit WAY too close to home
- the dream scene when mune apparently becomes his world's SANDMAN, man now THAT hit me like a truck
- necross having the lava/water coming from his HEART, said a lot symbolically


#12 FROM UP ON POPPY HILL (0724)
Movies like this are both sweet in terms of their everyday simplicity, and completely alienating on the same terms.

- we NEVER had a "school experience," let alone ANYTHING as social & populous a life or family as this, so that was fascinating to see.

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- the climactic plot-clincher scene on the boat. although there were still the mysteries of these lives, that intersection revealed was just so satisfyingly put together, and so heartwarmingly too.
- that painter girl with the glasses (Sachiko Hirokoji). she was ADORABLE.
- just the scenery of the town, notably that FANTASTICALLY STEEP HILL and the bikeride down it. wonderful stuff. the whole setting was both familiar & adventurous. love the ocean view. we want to learn what this was based off of so we can visit such a place.


#13 AKIRA (0724)
Perhaps I'm 30+ years too young to understand why this is such a cult classic, but it struck me as terribly overrated. Nevertheless, I was impressed by the animation quality, especially the "lipflap" accuracy and the almost superfluous fluidity of some scenes (Tetsuo grappling with the hospital blankets notably).

-LOTS of violence. disturbingly frank about it too.

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- the bedroom "nightmare" scene with the toys. that stands out in our head as being way too close to our own "psychotic" events in the past.


#14 GRAVE OF THE FIREFLIES (0725)
The most striking thing about this movie, to us, was how invisible and gutwrenching the tragedy of it actually was.
Here are two children, orphaned by war, starving to death, wanted by no one, and therefore unseen by all. They suffered and struggled and even in their literal deaths they were treated as dust and tossed aside.
But they were people. They were alive and precious and trying so hard to help each other just to live. And no one saw their story unfold. No one saw it end. Not truly. Not the way it was presented to us, in its awful actuality.
...
our dvd player likes to randomly freeze & skip through scenes, so there were a few fragments lost (it's always at key points, which is bizarre). one was when the girl was digging the titular firefly grave, another was when the boy was speaking to the man in the rice field, another was in the doctor's office i believe.

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- the absolute survival-driven aloofness everyone had towards these two dying children.
- running INTO the freaking air raid JUST to get food for his sister.
- how quickly war can completely destroy a life. the SPEED of the air raids. shook us.
- the fruit drop tin.


#15 CASTLE IN THE SKY (0726)
AT LAST!
This was the last one we wanted to watch before Lent but the library DVD we got then didn't work in our player (it was one of those PC-special-feature ones?), but we got the Bluray from a different library this time and it worked fine, so this felt like "picking up where we left off" in a way, which was nice, because this whole year has been one crisis/recovery attempt loop after another, and we're still not back to a stable state, but we're getting there, day by day, grace by grace.
...
but oh man we enjoyed this one SO MUCH.
Something we really love about Ghibli movies is how everyone feels like a person. Like, even if they're a background character, there's still a charm to them that makes them feel like they, too, could be "in a Ghibli movie," as it were.
The visuals were gorgeous, as always.
...
Sheeta looked so much like a young Jewel, and she sounded more than a little bit like Klonoa, and the crystal was being called a "宝石" SO YEAH. It honestly felt like seeing a reflection of our smaller soul onscreen. That was surreal as much as it was heart-pullingly endearing.
We freakin' LOVE PAZU though. We kept thinking, in unique comparison to Sheeta being like the Jewels, Pazu was how we theoretically could be/ wanted to be in our more masculine (yet notably androgynous!!) selfhood? Note there is a DIFFERENCE between childhood & adulthood for BOTH genders, a HARD SPLIT-- there is NO "aging" in nousfoni, it breaks them. Nevertheless, if we had to be a boy child, we'd want to be like Pazu. His voice even sounded so much "like us" somehow. It was all so interesting. But God bless that kid and his intrepid yet goofy heart, he was so great.
Mama Dola was also such a unique character, and unexpectedly charming as well. Gotta love those pink pigtails too.

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- The scene where Pazu wakes up and plays the trumpet call to announce the dawn light in the valley. The visuals of that scene were just so beautiful, with the sunrise spilling over the hills, and the birds flying through the sky, and Sheeta waking up to that quiet house and golden music just outside.
- the ROBOTS, on the island, and how they were just so gentle, saving the birds nest and putting tiny pink flowers on gravestones. That soft compassion in an automaton is absolutely what we want to show in the Leagueworlds of that sphere.
- the UNDERGROUND CAVE. Oh man I almost forgot. When the kids first went down there it pinged Wreckage and she was so moved by its beauty, ESPECIALLY when all the Volucite lit up and it looked like little galaxies. I think she actually teared up; she was saying how she wanted our Chthonic realms to look like that, for their hidden yet real beauty to be manifest somehow, because she too knew it was in there.
- We watched the Japanese original audio, but we watched one of the bonus features in English and there was this one line from Sheeta that only existed in the English dub: "No matter how many weapons you have, no matter how great your technology might be, the world cannot live without love." ...That hits straight to the chest. Please remember that.


*ahem*

#16 SUMMER WARS!!!!!!!!!!!!! (0727)
we waited until the ACTUAL feast day had ended to watch this because it's CELEBRATION TIME SON

We forgot why this movie ended up being so high on our all-time list. It moves us to tears. That is RARE and must be treated reverently.
-
-
-

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
- EVERYTHING, SERIOUSLY DUDE
- KING KAZMA. i am warning you know that bunnyboy has OUTSPACER ROOTS ALREADY, he has shadowfronted already, that is INSANE.
- GRANDMA SAKAE. oh lord i didn't realize how much she was like our grandmother. even worse? she died in her sleep, at age 90, on her birthday. our grandma died in her sleep, at age 90, a week after her birthday. too close.
-
-



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BANJO THE WOODPILE CAT (0804)

TERRIFIED of the sparklecat trio, haha. honestly though. they had no ears and bottom-heavy designs and something about them literally SCARED US.


TITAN A.E. (0804)

preen and his disturbingly handsome lanky self and monstrous grin. creepy as all heck but still, fascinating to watch.

INSIDE OUT (0805; DVD STUCK)

gonna reborrow this and rewatch it.

FINDING DORY (0807)

this movie meant more to us now that we have a beloved octopus in central, haha.
still hit home overall though, with the message of disability/ trauma, and "found family" WITHIN that circle, as well as birth family who loves you, honestly we were in tears.

deleted scenes had one line that slammed into us like a truck
"i'm worth remembering!!"

THE BAD GUYS (0808)

this one's for you grandma.
still love this movie to bits. so much fun to watch, the animation is GOLDEN.
nevertheless, forget trucks, this message hit us like an airplane.
barry and mimic were both commenting on it with jay and chaos 0.
julie and laurie too.
man so many of us resonate with the "redemption arc against all hope" bit.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

NEED TO REWATCH ROTG

NEED TO WATCH BOTH THE SONIC MOVIES

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ABSOLUTE FINAL MOVIE BEFORE WE STOP FOR A WHILE:


#?? BELLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (08--)
This movie was the crown jewel of the novena last year. Just like Summer Wars opened it with that rabbitpunch of hope, Belle concluded it all as the sparkling twilight embraced the basilica crowds, as we watched the stars appear with A Million Miles Away singing in our chest.

(will watch on Saturday; got sick on Friday & had to reschedule)

BIGGEST AFFECTS:
-
-
-
-


...

 
Waking up every morning, and not being dead, is just... it's so strange.
Every night I go to sleep now just not expecting to ever wake up again.
And then I do.
Everything is in God's hands right now. That's all.


Morning mass & adoration
Special honor of staying unexpectedly

Wegmans stop
Genesis there as always i love him

SO TIRED.
BK prep lag as a result of pervasive confusion
Prayed together still

SO COLD too. Wore the moonsweater for the whole morning; could not get warm, still so weak.
Honestly I'm stunned & concerned that Overload hasn't been triggered by the sensory noise. Is it just being muffled by the fatigue? OR is it because she's a SOCIAL and all our internal focus PREVENTS triggers on her level??? Because honestly if we were in public & therefore unplugged you KNOW she'd likely get dragged out in an instant-- remember church w mom. BTW THAT IS A DIFFERENT PERSON, the triggered root is DIFFERENT FROM PHYSICAL SENSE and so there is someone BESIDES OVERLOAD that is triggered by a SIMILAR ANCHOR, but one TIED DIRECTLY TO TRAUMA/TERROR MEMORY.

Scalpel is now an official member of the egg-cutting crew, haha
It also hit me just how open Razor is now, how "like herself" she is. Back in 2013 when she was still frighteningly corrupt she WAS open like this, communicative & unafraid, but somehow down the line she got muffled & docile? Like she was anesthesized. Maybe Infi had something to do with that. Because Knife "mellowed out" BUT it was NATURAL. His Pink heart got its saturation back, he lost that grungy overtone, and his real self shone through. But he STILL, to this day, HAS THAT EDGE of authority and determination and dedication, that his initial dark-Claret vibe carried up front, sheathed in grave violence. But Razor got muted, it was very unnatural.
In any case I'll pay closer attention to the Archives. Once I get them uploaded I am going to sit down and MARATHON READ them from 2008 on, chronologically. THAT will jumpstart our mind & heart for sure.
It'll also enable me to figure out better how to put our history into book format. That's still an absolute goal. If we can't draw, we can still write & edit. But God gave us each other, and we need to give what we've learned to others in return.

Anyway back to prep data
EVERYONE wanted to taste the marshmallow cereal
DIFFERENT OPINIONS!!!
I could feel that boggling the lotophagoi haha
But STILL that is vital awareness for them; will help fight absolutism & responsive compulsive forcing

Mimic & Chaos 0 joking w each other, about "can't trust a cephalopod" because of all the arms, etc. Laurie STOPPED THEM and said "hey, we don't joke about dishonesty" basically. Emphasized INTEGRITY even in jokes; do not make fun of virtue, even by exclusion, or treat vice passively.

Laurie in general re-pledging herself TO defend & exemplify Integrity & Truth, after reading about Saint Paul: bearing the proof-wounds of faithful perseverance, and going RIGHT BACK INTO LYSTRA. Absolutely fearless for God. Laurie wants to be our channel for that grace so we ALL become so unflinchingly devoted, true soldiers of God.
ALSO JOHN 8. Christ IS TRUTH made visible. Truth can be resisted, attacked, slandered, denied, etc. But TRUTH CANNOT BE KILLED and it WILL catch up with EVERY soul in the end!!
☆"The truth is not something abstract; it is something which must be done (John 3:21). It is something which must be known with the mind, accepted with the heart, and acted out in the life."

Jewel saying "Soli Deo Gloria" was her motto, "I finally have one"

Sharona reading meditations for the day
Peacemaker one said something so acutely convicting, but tenderly so?
Immediately moved me to go up to Chaos 0 "let's fix this together. Please don't give up on me; I promise I'll never give up on you"
The look in his eyes, the way he reached out to me, honestly it felt like a spring morning, all water lilies and wild roses
Sharona tearing up in the body from the weight of the effervescence

Looking at NASA "bones of galaxy" photo. Numinous. " How could you see something like this and not believe in God"

Typing this brief update now. Remember to add rough notes for weekend, if there's any memory.
Also try to remember what Mimic said during Bible study on Friday, I think. I can still see how he looked, that shockingly quiet smile, with the sunlight coming in through the window.
He's still changing. I can feel it all under the surface, like chromatophores swirling. I'm still not sure what world will ultimately anchor him (we need jargon for that, for the Link "soulstrings" grounding into an actual new world) but honestly I think Jewel will need to TOUR them??? Like heartspace USED to!! He needs to FEEL where he fits. Ultimately its HIS HEARTS DECISION.
And remember, Rio & Markus STARTED THEIR OWN from the dust they had left of memory, building a new history & context for themselves entirely. That is VERY IMPORTANT for all outspacers, the possibility & reality of such a total "rebirth"-- to almost become an INSPACER instead.
IS that the ultimate ideal???? LOOK INTO THIS

ALSO make a list of ALL OUTSPACERS, old & new, who NEED to find their matching Leagueworld.

Anyway BIBLE STUDY
Still enraptured by John 1 Commentaries
...

Afterwards hit by the inevitable hunger + panic
Decided to peel & chop ALL the carrots
Listening to Bishop Robert Barron of course
THE TRINITY SERMON. IT PIERCED STRAIGHT INTO OUR MULTIPLE HEART.

DN decided to have the 3wishes instead of triscuits, protein boost. Hopefully our stomach likes them.
On that note, remembering & realizing through experience how speaking of the body as a COLLECTIVELY OWNED RESPONSIBILITY and NOT AS A SINGLE "SELF" allows for compassion, respect, care, patience, etc.!!

DN for 615. Trying to shift the day schedule up permanently, to allow for night events w family + personal work, and mass + holy hour first thing in the morning

Psalm 106 TRIGGERBOMB
Time loss, totally out of mind
Small binge but highly disturbing
Felt possessed. 100% female mindset, always that wild-eyed rabid terrified mania. No reason, just ritualized abuse.

Redid dinner at 7pm
Read commentary on John 1 again instead
Headspace upsettingly quiet, but Godphone ringing off the hook

Xenophon showed up somewhen as we were cleaning?
Memory FINALLY picks up as J leaves the apartment to take out recycling
Virtually nothing prior to that. Scary how ED symptoms literally erase self-awareness.

Nihilistic depression crash
Got morbidly lost on Tumblr, immediately deleted the cursed app again

Feeling so dead & empty inside. No emotions for so long. Why. Feeling estranged from God. Feeling too dumb & evil & weak & cowardly & stupid & feminine to be good, or holy, or strong, or real, or forgiven, or worth anything. Disgusting trains of thought

...

 
(unfinished, disjointed)

Therapy this morning
tried emdr "eye movement" thing
PANIC ATTACKS. kept wondering why. wanted to throw up. body started shaking.
realized it's because it's the SAME "eye-darting" movement we do when we're HYPERVIGILANT and "scanning for danger"
she keeps wanting us to "visualize your safe space" dammit there is no such thing, not even inside, the tar or plague can attack you anytime.
the only safe place is next to laurie's axe

230pm breakfast???
by the time we got home and calmed down it was so late
body wrecked. we're just so exhausted emotionally though

oh and mom called like immediately after
said get in the car i got 4pm tickets to see AVATAR
so we went. best thing to do today is just forget about physical reality for three solid hours

honestly GREAT DECISION
what a movie. very immersive. love the whales.
big focus on family though. triggered a lot of stuff for us.
so disturbed too by the gender issues. why is that haunting us so much.
whole movie kept thinking "what does it mean to be a man" "what does it mean to be a father" "i wouldn't feel like i belonged in ANY of these groups" totally alienated and shaken up. felt wrong and invisible and sick

mom and her boyfriend literally got up and left the second the credits came on the screen
we said wtf, we need to process and decompress, why are you rushing out????? what the hell
genesis & i sat there and just watched the words roll, theater emptied out fast, people were legit pointing and laughing at us "hey the movie's over weirdo" whatever dude there is a very particular peace to an empty theater and the credits and the music. like waking up from a dream. key part of the experience.
mom has no chill though she kept yelling and waving "it's over hurry up" wtf calm down
she talked ALL through the movie too we had to angrily "SSHHH" her several times, it was disturbing. like she DOESN'T GET IMMERSED???? she just talks and comments and eats??? does she even experience the movie? what the hell is her brain even doing

best thing about seeing movies though
IMAGINING HEADSPACE STUFF WITH THE FICTION LAG
we often lose chunks of time during the film because of dissociation haha but it's worth it
FIGHT SCENES WITH LAURIE & INFI & CHAOS 0
honestly it... it was amazing. we all felt so real.
i felt like myself. that almost NEVER happens anymore.
all white hair and crazyeyes. sheer RED powers. using infi's feathers as cupid arrows. et cetera. chaos so gorgeous to see, all that water, mental clarity boosted from seeing the film. laurie using her oft-forgotten "gravity" powers, using everything purple to power-up like she does in dreams, metal can't hurt her she just grafts it into her axe. infi in absolute mad-enamored mode. beautifully terrifying. ze & i practically symbiotic in that state. i forgot how close we were until i felt that, the both of us high on blood & love to the point where our colors were melting together.
man this is the sort of stuff jewel used to do "write-outs" for in high school. i miss this. so much.

mom just loves living late i don't get it, does she never sleep???
got home at 845. thank god we had prepped food earlier
Dinner at 9
of course couldn't go right to sleep so we planned to stay up late.
went on OLD computer

Reading old entries about Rio & Markus 
So much old love
SHOCKED at how shameless the Jewel was about her emotions back then (2005)????? like she had NO self-loathing or self-disgust at ALL. she was in love and she was happy and she expressed that openly. now if i even try i want to eviscerate myself. i use those pronouns very loosely, i am aware that only a core can express love and the cores cannot be in the body without being corrupted or opposed, even typing, because they're "too emotional" and that's "stupid and wrong and evil and disgusting"
how did this happen???

lots of amusing comments too though, while reading. shenanigans upstairs from the gang
Genesis and the shopping cart 

as i was reading I randomly realized Leon is Noel backwards, Laurie thought this was hilarious
she called him down to pester him affectionately about this and ultimately they ended up shoving each other into snowbanks in good fun
leon is... changing. in a good way. but odd. he's really moving solidly into indigo, and that particular vibe. he was leaning blue for too long, it wasn't healthy. i notice laurie is healthier too when she leans violet.

Mimic pinged when reading about Davy
jewel out with me, emotionally flustered; she didn't want to talk about it, can't get into that memoryspace
i'm half asleep and i accidentally said to mimic "Get some sleep man I love you"
he stopped looked at me "what"
i kind of froze haha, laurie absolutely elated, immediately calls me out "dude we ALL heard you"
still mimic almost blew it off. unsurprisingly. brusque banter with him about it
at some point i remember commenting "do I have to break you"
"Is that a threat"
i said "yeah, yeah it is" no idea what i was talking about but my subconscious does i guess
forget the conversation BUT as he leaves he just states "I do still remember that dream you know"
ONE WALL DOWN???
LAURIE GOT OUT THE CHAMPAGNE 

Julie showed up to talk a bit

Lots of core switching while reading, inevitably

Earlier Julie TRIED to hold her OLD COLOR (yellow hair, blue eyes)
Wreckage WARPED in instantly, nearly attacked her
Julie said go ahead, she'd rather get hurt & recover than let the Tar get away w/ imitating her

thinking that Laurie's color shifting WITH CORES???
more violet with the cannons, more purple with the jays??? slightly different roles needed???

Marigold & Jeremiah showed up?? was that because of wreckage?
marigold is like the walking dead, she's in shock. all the kids are so disturbed
she can't talk right now. she's aware and responds but it's so bleary. thousand yard stare

Knife kissing Laurie's head when she was unstable earlier he's such a sweetheart
hurts though to see her so chronically unsteady though. so far the only thing that helps IS pushing her more violet. need to keep reviewing the old days with her. get her true soulvibe back, not what it was corrupted into through socialization function shattering

Wreckage & Laurie arguing a lot about protecting others 
no animosity though. they're legit close friends. but that's how they show it really
genuine conversation. really moving to see tbh

ALENA & JACK IN MIRRORS STILL!!!

CANNOT be myself in the body
Body vibe persona is CORRUPT and NOT ME AT ALL
THIS is what is causing the 3rd person internal perspective ESPECIALLY IN DREAMS
please please type about this in depth it is SO DISTURBING but it explains SO MUCH

btw breakfast was Holy innocents & 1 John 2 Bible study
 
finding new music on spotify?

Library stop after therapy got some animated movies 
there are SO MANY i've never even heard of, so it's exciting

Typing in spices from UPMC into old computer, idea from mom
overwhelming. not sure if we're going to use it but it's one paper down at least

the thought haunting me all day:
Who am I really?

Starting this entry on our phone!
Of course it's unfinished, but with time constraints & emotional stress lately that's been inevitable.
Nevertheless, daily updates are mandatory, so here we go.


We were up until 3:15 last night working on trying to finish unfinished entries on here, so as a result we "slept in" until noon. Unfortunately, as usual, we woke up once at 6 and again at 930, and then we couldn't fall back asleep.
Our social worker called again around 10am (they have been regularly calling at this hour) to say we finally have a psychiatrist appointment for January. Honestly, I seriously doubt Hatchet will ever let us take psych meds-- which is shocking because we WERE taking meds during inpatient, but the System was dormant at that time. Even so, they were minor. We refuse to take anything that might muffle internal commuication and/or emotional states, especially antipsychotics. We would rather struggle and fight and learn together, than swallow some chemicals that screw with our brain function. No thank you. That's also why we don't take pain meds-- our body is in pain for a reason, and I am not going to "mute the fire alarm" just because I don't like the noise. I say this with a noted amount of irony as I have been ignoring such alarms in the apartment, but those have been minor every single time (it's a disabled community so even candle smoke can set them off) but I am aware of how unhealthy that response is on my part, especially in regards to not taking Tylenol for a migraine-- sometimes, even alongside the "I don't want to ignore the reality", I am being numb and blind, because I'm just wanting to suffer or put myself in danger, until it gets so bad that my cowardly instincts kick in and I start panicking and praying hysterically. It's humiliating. But at least I'm able to see and admit it. Next step is getting sincere contrition and amendment for it.


Mom actually called like 10 minutes after the social worker, and as usual, talked for a half hour. We love her but she started the call with "I'm sorry, were you trying to sleep?" and then just... kept talking, haha. But she's a scatterbrain and always has been; we never hold that against her. She means well, she just completely loses track of time and thought.
Still... I was sad at how our "conversations" tend to go. She was talking AT me mostly, and I noted (with significant distress) that whenever I "interrupted" to add a comment or response, she would audibly grumble, sigh exasperatedly, and immediately start talking again almost as if I hadn't spoken. I know it's because I'm breaking her train of thought, which is a fragile thing, but I still instinctively react like "my voice does not matter," or worse, "my voice is unwelcome" and "I am being rude and inconsiderate and selfish by speaking up."

At one point the floor fell through metaphorically because mom said "he doesn't like to talk about it, but he gained weight with the meds he was taking for cancer, so he has to buy all new shirts..." like WTF MOM WHO HAS CANCER????? I asked, but she completely dodged the question twice, not even acknowledging that I had asked, not naming names and changing the subject almost instantly. Honestly it is so frustrating when she does that; she'll "hint" at something that she is keeping secret but is apparently struggling to do so alone, as she therefore has no support or ability to discuss it or get comfort, BUT she will refuse to receive those things by acting like she never said anything at all. Sometimes, in the past, she would outright lie and say "I never said that! You're hearing things" and again, immediately change the subject and refuse to acknowledge the previous accusation. 
But mom for heaven's sakes does my BROTHER have CANCER????? what the heck why is my family so secretive, we've been shaken up all day over this, we only found out that her boyfriend had cancer when one day she offhandedly mentioned that "yeah he's sleeping off the chemo today" and I was like WHAT???? and although, again, she refused to elaborate, at some point she had to tell us outright, I think because he was threatening suicide??? it was a disaster. But yeah, mom is... not very good at communicating. No one in our birthfam ever was, sadly.
Anyway. Despite my shock, or maybe in spite of it, she changed the subject hard to baking. Just jumped right in, talking at lightspeed, asking me "did you know this?" "do you know that?" to change my focus. Geez. I guess that's where I picked up my dishonest "redirecting" behavior. At least now I know, and I can feel how wrong it is firsthand, which motivates me to be even more determined to change.
Anyhow,
...
Clothes gifts for siblings. Language showed she is still recalcitrant to acknowledge transgender issues in her kids
She's obsessed with that eight book. Lots of talk about sacred math & sound which we LOVE. 

Suffocation morbid thoughts, also knife fights
Why do we still feel such a bizarre suffering drive? even when we've grown "cowardly" now?
like we want more scars, on some level. we want to "experience terror", to "prove we can survive" and "that we are brave enough To face it." is this trauma again??? what the heck does that to to a brain

Got out of bed for... 1130 I think? body getting shaky from hunger. dislike that but it happens.

Adding the cinnamint oils to the blankets again. Celebi wanted the ylangylang on her anchor plush, haha. We used to put actual candle wax on her forehead years ago, that's where she got that mark.

Showing Xenophon the music boxes mom gave us from the house, she was thrilled
Me having amusing but heartfelt thoughts about "metal is actually a romantic element" because yeah music boxes, but also bells & wedding rings & violin strings & so many other really beautiful things. wondering about how i've always felt weirdly drawn to metal as an element? never really explored that. wonder what the roots of it are.

Late breakfast prep, couldn't concentrate, brain was a mess from fasting so long & not sleeping well. asked everyone to help me
Leon & Scalpel specifically offered their support & aid

Ambulance went by; we ALL spontaneously said a group prayer for the people involved
Felt so close to everyone in that moment, in that genuine care. really moving.


Do NOT add half another apple to breakfast, stomach Does Not Like It

Daily Bible verse John 13:35
"words of encouragement" gesture of love; surprisingly difficult? Clashes with SOCIAL MODE
Mimic observing that "your beliefs about the world are reflected in your actions"; basically if you believe the world is cruel & uncaring & everyone is out to get you, well then you start to act cruel & uncaring and now you're the one treating people badly. self-fulfilling prophecies. "we become what we think"
I emphasized how this is also directly related to what we believe about God or the lack thereof; the "innate nature of reality" as it were. enables or disables hope for change or something better at all

He also had us look up "disciple" to better explain the verse
Interesting etymology!
Ultimate clarification came from HEBREW word "talmid" & culture basis: give up life to become like their teacher, not just studying them. I pointedly called this "Sacred mimicry"

Can't be a disciple if you don't believe your teacher, if you believe it inevitably affects your behavior, etc. 

Since we started eating late, we didn't finish until like 2pm?
We felt slightly sick and extremely tired-- typical-- and so I took Leon & Scalpel up on their offer of support while I did the last few dishes (I've taken up the very smart habit of doing all dishes as I finish that part of the meal, so when the whole thing is done there's just 3 or so items to wash; it minimizes the time in the kitchen during that "interim state" and therefore helps lessen the risk of a panic binge). However, at some point, somehow, one of the ED nousfoni still came out?
She was so nervous, so scared. I don't recall why. She cut a slice of an apple to eat but, again, it was purely compulsive-- I could clearly feel she didn't "want" it, she just felt "compelled" to eat it, and we're still not sure why she does this. But Laurie & Spice both called her out angrily & told her to stop. I tried to be the "good cop" in the situation and comfort her a bit, so she wouldn't crash or "shut down," which most "scared" voices WILL DO if confronted-- their functions are so solidly based on fearful "survival" or coping, that telling them to "stop" feels like A THREAT OF DEATH and so they sometimes will actually REBEL on purpose. It's practically automatic; their roles are so hardwired that they can't "stop," at least not by being ordered or told to.
Still. She was a nervous wreck, poor thing, and I don't know why she almost gets pulled out whenever we're in the kitchen AFTER eating, but she does. And she was trying to pick at every little thing, her fear rising quickly.
I didn't think I could get enough control to walk out of the kitchen, so the only way I could fight her trigger-fronting was to quickly start a different focus in that environment-- which I did by getting out the cloves we bought last night and finishing Xenophon's pomander! We quickly had everyone hanging out again, and the inner "vibe" changed COMPLETELY. Incredible really, how different it feels in the head compared to the Social mindset. It's heartbreaking and frightening. Still, it was an important piece of data to realize. In any case, finishing the orange only took like 15 minutes, but it was a nice little refocus, and even better-- it's done now! Just in time for Christmas. It looks beautiful and smells even better, haha. We don't have a hook for it and don't know where we'd hang it anyway-- we're not allowed to put anything in the ceiling here-- so we set it on the altar for now. It fits, it feels like a symbol of a thurible somehow. I like it.
One interesting note-- for music, we put on Uyama Hiroto radio? And it was playing all ANCIENT tunes like Nujabes & Fat Jon & Minmi & such... the Jayce days. It felt so weird, like a time machine. Xenophon had us switch the music because it was "too jazzy" and didn't fit her style.
Still, wow. Amazing how completely our mental "atmosphere" was changed by that auditory reminder of past Cor(e)s and how they felt to live in this mind/body. Surreal.

Around 3pm, we felt the depression hitting again??? Why this time? Is that tied to some trauma event or reminder? I wonder.
Anyhow, we had just finished brushing our teeth, and it was the Hour of Mercy, so we decided to do the one thing that would help get our mind off the emotional distress-- pray. We're honestly striving to be determined to pray at this hour daily; we need to be accountable and punctual. (We did start closer to 4 again today, but I can't remember why? Still, we didn't use that as a despairing "why even try" excuse, thank God.) So we got on the bike and said the Divine Mercy chaplet and a Glorious Rosary-- those Mysteries are our second favorite, as we always lead them at Mass on Sunday mornings, and the pictures we have saved to our phone for them are so beautiful. I'll have to post a few sometime, maybe with reflections on why we love them; that would be really nice. Our favorites, though, are obviously the Sorrowful Mysteries; those fall on Tuesday which is Adoration Day in QotA and so we like to say those in front of the Monstrance, which basically puts us into a whole other state of consciousness, haha. Literally, we can imagine those events so clearly, it is psychospiritually EXHAUSTING but it is so worth it. It feels like we re-live Holy Week every Tuesday with that Rosary. And, when we say it personally with the photos, the ones we have saved for those are gut-wrenching, ESPECIALLY for the second Mystery-- the Scourging-- which most people are too squicked out by to show art of. (EWTN would completely avoid showing images of it during TV rosaries which genuinely upset us; for us the appalling bloody violence of the scourging is the central part of why that was so mysteriously sacred.)

...
After we prayed, we sadly still felt so sick emotionally, with no strength to do anything positive, because that sort of mindset likes to fuel religious paranoia and fear. So, we went on our phone and started "cleaning out" the 70-or-so tabs we had open, which-- inevitably-- were all religious articles we hadn't finished reading yet, over the past several weeks-- some from even before inpatient! But you can't rush through this stuff; it's heavy reading and it must be integrated as well.
...

We ended up biking for two solid hours, finishing around 6pm because mom called again, haha.
She wanted us to come over and help her bake, but we had to say no-- even though we felt horrible doing so, like an impudent callous brat-- explaining that it was not safe for us to go out this late, especially not to a high-activity, high-noise, overstimulating environment (which, although we love mom, is always what happens around her; it's just her energetic default).
She still wants us to come over on Friday to help her make the Polish rolls-- which we're willing to do of course, but... that's my anniversary. I don't want to spend my whole day dissociated and surrounded by bloody food when I have something infinitely more important to focus on. So... I really don't know what I'm going to do there.
...

Dinner was at 7pm, by the time we got everything prepped, because I insisted on also prepping breakfast again now and not after, again because I knew we'd have some poor disordered gal triggered out.
...

Reading Job 36 more, studying it line by line, Mimic always insisting I clarify every phrase
Phlegmoni & Galadia starting to join him in this; yesterday they were asking "hey why aren't we more involved in this? why aren't we spending more personal time with you in any case?" which is a darn good question. Honestly I think it's just because both of them have virtually no canon history. They are destined to be Leaguespacers-- Phleg is already "linked" to a nascent World-- so it's much, much harder to interact with them in headspace because they DON'T have a solid "identity" of their own yet, and if they get too much of one in headspace, it can severely damage their League-life. So we have to be very careful.
I know I will have to say "goodbye" to them both on some level, at some point. Mimic, too, inevitably-- I can feel the League calling him, and he has expressed a genuine interest in the idea of literally getting a "new lease on life" with that.
Still... I'm really liking having the three newbies around for the holidays, it's sweet.

...

After dinner, as expected, the panic-binge girl came out, and was trying to eat all the SunChips. Well Laurie was FURIOUS and was yelling at her to stop again, as was Xenophon and Mimic and me of course, but she was actively tuning them out AND shutting down her own emotions in order to mechanically continue to "pretend to eat" (yeah, she was doing the chew-spit thing again; at least she recognizes that her impulse is to bite and not eat, per se) because "I'm enjoying this" but she WASN'T. In reality I think there are wires being crossed? There's no "enjoyment" or happiness at all; there's only a false "relief" from the dissociation that occurs WHEN she forcibly shuts everything down and just does automated self-abuse-analogous behavior.
Somehow we stopped her? I think Laurie PUSHED THROUGH to half-front for a second? Because someone took the bag of chips and crushed it, to which the girl shouted "hey!!" petulantly but we said nope, if you're going to continue doing this, we are not going to keep this around, it's too dangerous. Give it to the squirrels.
So we did, literally. We went downstairs and tossed the whole bag of crumbs onto the lawn-- which, amusingly, someone else had done similarly before us, as there were cornflakes all over the place. Well hey, the critters do need to eat. So the ED girl (one of them at least, the bluer scared one) actually felt nice about this? Like she was able to not hurt us and help an animal, basically. It was like seeing the first star in a dark night; there was this new glimmer of "I can be good; I don't have to always be bad!" 
...
Going back inside, probably from eating like three or four chips in that whole hell of a process, plus the overwhelming panic, our body legit wanted to throw up. A different voice kept insisting on this, wide-eyed but emotionally detached, the panic screaming under the surface but her job was just "don't feel. stop the danger. now. do it." VERY chartreuse-feeling, which is RARE and HUGELY NOTABLE.
Still, I REFUSED. I said "I want to fight." And so I did. I told the girl we could take antacids, would that help? She numbly (thousand yard stare, poor thing) said yeah, and took three. Then I immediately brushed the teeth & got into pajamas, and although the body didn't feel any better, it helped pass the time and get us ready to just hop into bed later without further prep.
And that's when I sat down at this laptop! Honestly this is the best possible thing to do when feeling sick or upset; it is a TOTAL ATTENTION SHIFT from the outside to the inside, total detachment from whatever we're feeling, and it can easily be prolonged for hours so it keeps us completely safe.
Anyone who says "technology is the devil" has never talked to us, haha. Honestly, computers have given massive boosts to our growth in faith and psychological healing throughout our entire life.

...
I've been listening to Albert Guinovart on Spotify all evening. I forget how I stumbled across him, but his album "Nocturne" is gorgeous. I think I liked every single track. Infi loves it, too-- it's very evocative emotionally, which is entirely hir vibe.
We were listening to an Alex Futon album while we biked, or at least, we were trying to; we like three tracks on the album but the rest are so explicitly sexual it's disgusting. How the heck people have no shame in saying such things is beyond me. Whatever the "worldly" mind is in that respect, I do not want to go anywhere near it, ever. That's another big reason why I don't like to socialize-- people out there consciously think like that, and that is TERRIFYING.

...I was talking to Infinitii again today, in little focused bubbles of conversation, short but heavy.
Probably the MOST IMPORTANT THING we "realized" today, after being so disturbed & distressed by the religious reading on the bike, was that... technically, INFINITII IS THE ONLY "MOTHER" IN THE SYSTEM. Full stop. And... this makes me the only actual "father" of EVERY potential "system child."
Infinitii and I are literally two halves of the same soul. Yes, I always call Chaos 0 my "other half" but he's part of my heart. That was a choice on his part and mine; it wasn't inherent. But Infinitii is actually taken from my very being. 
I was freaking out over "canon law" about illegitimates and then I realized, hey hold up, I've never actually done anything like that. Not in reality, ever, and upstairs it's also been completely inapplicable. At least, from what I remember. God I hope so. That whole topic is so disturbing and buried in our past.
But... I can't think in depth about it, I'll have a trauma meltdown. The point I want to make is, Infinitii and I are inevitably the only "parents" of any creature that exists as a result of our CONSCIOUS INTENT TO REDEEM & RECTIFY ALL THE ABUSE, not as a pr*****cy, because we're the ones that GOT abused so directly. No one else. Yes, many others in the System do have trauma, but always from getting too close TO us IN our trauma.
I can't talk about this, I can feel our brain and body shutting down.
But yeah. Celebi and Chaos and even Genesis maybe might "influence" those children, but those kids are not biologically borne; they are from BLACKSPACE like every other Nousfoni, and their existences simply draw from the life-energy of ours that was traumatically misused in the past, for the sake OF "making something good come out of even that." The ultimate victory of light over dark. Good over evil. The triumph of love & truth despite all odds. That's why the kids exist; that's why Xenophon was in that bloody sink. They're literal living manifestations of transmutation-- of taking the blackest tar and, through love alone-- love that courageously refuses to surrender or give up-- transforming it into the most precious thing. Hearts of gold.

...Honestly, I think Infinitii is the only being EVER that I can be "married to" in a Christian sense.
Every time I read about it in light of faith, it's all about children. Marriage only applies TO that context; otherwise it's just a close personal relationship. Intimacy is meant for procreation and no matter how much I love Chaos 0 I cannot do that with him. Ever. I've tried, yeah, but it only goes halfway or I completely meltdown or he stops me or something else. Plus, biology is missing, conspicuously, and thank God for that.
Still. Infi is part of me. That's the ONLY way I'm going to have ANY sort of "male/female" interaction in a relationship; the Good Lord knows I've been genderqueer since my childhood, as well as completely repulsed by physical sexuality AND the very idea of being "attracted to people." To this day, even if I think some girls are pretty & some guys are handsome, the thought of "romance" or anything worse is loathsome. Absolutely nauseating. And yeah, I've tried to force it, especially for some girls I really care for, but I can't. It just cannot be honest, not from me. I have known since childhood that marriage is NOT my calling and also I just CANNOT be "a girl" and NEVER "a woman" but. My religious community absolutely rejects both those things. Hence the trauma.
Still... it's been repeatedly burned into my greymatter to the point where it has scarred. I still feel morally required TO be married & have kids but I CANNOT. I cannot be s*xual and I CANNOT be "female" especially not in THAT hideous context. It can never happen.
And then there's Infinitii. My daengel. Already "flesh of my flesh" in the same sense as Eve. The only "female" resonant being in the System besides Julie, who is arguably born of the same blackstuff. And yeah, Infi is female-resonant on an intrinsic level even if ze does not identify as such and that is OBVIOUS, I mean have you seen hir? It's built into hir very purpose, ESPECIALLY with all the trauma associations concerning shape alone, not to mention function. it's terrifying but that's why ze exists as ze does.

...

Oh, btw I added ALL the Leagueworlds to our Spotify playlist folders, even the ones that have barely any substance as of yet, and/or that might change completely. I still want to give them the chance to bloom & grow & evolve further via music, so literally everything is on there now, and open to contribution.
It feels... really touching, really heart-moving, to see all those worldnames listed.
I'm so glad I came up with the "bank" system for them, too. It's still in development of course, but the basics are down and it feels so much more connective & attentive. Plus it's another way to add color & faith to the numerical mechanics of things, you all know I love doing that for literally everything.

Speaking of the League! Today was the winter solstice, which means today I gave special loving thought to Halcyon Days, as I do every year. I didn't get to do anything for them, with everything else that happened, but I looked through their artwork and I thought about their story and I gave them so much love.
Honestly I think I need to take some time to just "get to know" ALL the Leagueworlds again, post-NC, because since then everything's been cut off from my memory due to the resultant legitimate trauma associated with our personal creativity in general.
But, silver linings, now we know what they're NOT. The horror forced us to see what was WRONG and it enabled us TO change. Just like in Job 36, go figure.


...
We're actually really hungry again? Why. Not even five hours after dinner and we're hungry. I don't get it. Bodies are so weird. We hit 1600k, how much more does the body want??? Are we getting the right macros but wrong sources?? Our nutritionist just gives us "general american diet" junk data which is frustrating. Inpatient did too. They assume everyone has the means & the stomach to just make casseroles & cook porkchops and order pizza and weird stuff like that. Can't think about that either; too much disturbance.
Well, in any case, hungry or not, the body will have to wait, because we promised Father S that we'd go to Bible Study after Mass tomorrow, so we have to be up at 7 and we won't get home to eat until probably 11pm, later if they decide to talk a lot. But we have everything but the eggs & broccoli ready, which only takes like 10 minutes. And, Father always offers food from his kitchen (yes the Bible Study is in the rectory, it's a beautiful old building) and he knows we're in recovery from an eating disorder so I am sure he'd let us eat a few grapes or something if we need it-- he's diabetic so we can rely on him having healthy food; Lord knows that disease runs in our family too so we must be careful.
Still... our headache is returning and we're already dizzy. That's not cool. I'll take our blood sugar before we go to sleep; if it really is getting too low, we'll have to pack an apple or something for the road. We don't want to pass out or crash.

But yes, I promised my boss I'd be in bed for midnight which gives me 11 minutes as of right now to get there.
That is nowhere near enough time to clean up this entry, but at least I made the effort to type even after the struggles of today-- if I didn't, it would snowball. This honest journaling is an intrinsic part of our healing and our hope.

Anniversary in 24 hours. Christmas in 48. God only knows what will happen, but if we keep holding on to faith hope & love, it will be beautiful.
God has never let us down, especially not for the holidays. So we can anchor our joy to that, no matter what.

 
(disjointed entry. very unfinished. need to post anyway because we're falling into neglect)
Found ONE nice picrew after getting everything ready for bed. hated how i had "ragequit" and wanted to give it another chance. always that hope of mine. "i don't want to end this on a bad note, i am sure there is still good in this, i just need to find it." and i did. thank you lord
After yesterday's update, as we got ready for bed, we ended up talking to Celebi.
I forget how it came up. I was talking to Laurie, Chaos 0, Infinitii I think, and Scalpel??
But...
...I mentioned the "other child."
The blue one.

We think it's hers.

She's always, always had that egg from the future. Now we know why.

I don't think I ever mentioned the other "potential children," did I? At least, not in recent years. Xenophon was the first-- the embryo found in the bloody sink. But there were two more, one found in a paintblot, and the other found in the same sink as Xennie i think? it's not written down. but pareidoliac revelations, each one entire and sudden and hitting hard as a punch to the gut. like i see it and i know. there's always a knowing, i recognize it, it's different from how other things are sensed-- nousfoni, outspacers, moralimon, etc. these little creatures feel completely different from everything else and that "ping" hits inside. like i feel it pull at my heart. and i know, as terrifying as that conviction is, that they are tied to me somehow.

...it's an awful, awful topic. i can't discuss it here, not completely. not now.
but... with all the years of abuse and trauma, and all the hope i still have, all the love i have despite the absolute horror... well. faith is a thing. and i know this stuff exists for a reason. and that's the reason.
so deep down, i have this iron will that all that misuse gets redeemed, no matter what.
the graves are one thing. they were mournful penance for loss, for the sins endured and allowed and enabled, reminders of the death i was causing by my refusal to fight back.
but... there was never anything to fix or repair the abuse of something sacred in my own right.
god knows i tried too hard to "get things right" and just ended in disaster. can't talk about that.
even so. heart was in the right place, technically. wanting to "get the pink color back." purify it. heal it.
all the memories locked away.
but. prayers, always. "god please make something good come out of all that disaster anyway. i know you can. only you can. please. bring light from that darkness anyway."
and
well, xenophon was found.
and now the others are being remembered.

sorry. not doing this justice. brain refusing to get near the trauma memories. disjointed.

but yeah. huge revelation. been keeping it to myself for like two, three days now.
told celebi tonight. like the old days with jayce, she took it hard. very emotional. yelled at me for a bit. but didn't run away. tried to, stopped. said she needed to process this. lots of tangled emotions. understandable.
said she wants to talk to me about it personally soon.
not sure if she mentioned old memories or not. i should find them in the archives anyway. i think that's the only way this "child" will ever come to term as it were. otherwise it will stay in this state forever, or die. probably the latter, now that it's been "realized" as a child, completely out of the blue. now if the attention and concern fades, so will its tiny life. i refuse to let that happen. refuse.
celebi has it in that egg. she first tried to give it to infinitii, to hold in hir bodysphere, but then decided no, i want to carry it. need to come to terms with the reality of it. i think she'll manage that better than me, i haven't thought about it at all, totally cut off from that part of our core history

exhausted. going to sleep.
will refine this later when our brain is working.