071923

[prismaticbleed]

 
Up for SHJ Mass. Klonoa alarm, deeply soothing.
Needed it because of CNC dream hack flat nightmare

Jade pickup. Listening to Milliontown
Car talk focused on gender. very upsetting, disturbing
At one point she referenced the BARKING. Said it was because of a visceral rage-hate at her identity feeling threatened? And her thought process was-- and I quote-- "KILL IT."
ALSO said that if her therapist continued to deny her hormones because she was suicidal, she'd have to "mess him up" and next time would "bring her knife."
YEAH. And yet she Cannot comprehend why we were/all scared of her when she'd be so unstable.

Wegmans stop
MASSIVE MENTAL SPACE DIFFERENCE between social mode & internal anchoring. We'd never FELT that in such sudden succession before. Disturbing.
Hard to stay stable in store. Genesis & Laurie helping, reminding me to use ANCHOR OVERLAYS to stay in body.
At one point Laurie was telling me not to do something? And she reached out to move my face towards her. This did stop me, but it also was a bit triggering-- too soft. She noticed & admitted & apologized for this, but it still worked... so she immediately shifted to grab the hair at the back of my head to lift me up a bit, just that slight violence. Well let me tell you that LIT my heart UP. Immediately brought me back into myself, shut down social inanity.

Got figs for car emergency food. Struck me just how MANY foods have "trauma terror" attached to them. Our past is a terrible shambles in that regard; how did we ever live??

Waiting for jade now. Hoping we'll be able to make it to Saint Anne's on time.

"A man of discernment, meditating on the healing Divine Providence, bears with thanksgiving the misfortunes that come to him. He sees their causes in his own sins, and not in anyone else. But a mindless man, when he sins and receives the punishment for it, considers the cause of his misfortune to be God, or people, not understanding God's care for him." (St. Maximus the Confessor)
...So many of our thriskefoni think like that. They literally think that every single little thing "bad" that happens is GOD PUNISHING US. They have this mindset that God is "bullying them" or "pushing them around," never seeing Him as gentle or kind or merciful, ONLY as a brutalizer. Yes we were raised that way but it's FALSE and TOXIC and we NEED to heal this.
...It's actually so much easier, and weirdly reassuring, to see misfortunes simply as consequences of our sins? Of course we don't want to sin, and their reality is terrifying, but... seeing the cause & effect is so much more sensible than thinking God is just treating us like a punching bag. Nope, it's just our own stupidity coming back to bite us. God's the one holding that rabid dog back, so that we don't get as chewed up & spit out as we rightly deserve. We forget that.

MADE IT for Eucharist at Novena!
Traffic killed me haha
Eiffel tower sermon, we presumed the point was "I said no because I had thought I had already seen it all" = blinded self to possibility of miracles & beauty & wonder even in what he considered commonplace, or cliche, or overhyped, etc. Actual punchline was "i said no to seeing it because i was afraid of heights" and THAT robbed him of the experience of joy. Hit hard, thinking of "fear of heights" symbolically, and applying it as such. we're guilty of that too. why?

Home for 1pm

Mimic smirking about the water bottles "knowing their hour is coming"
ALSO in car to octopath theme, to Barry: "I don't have to follow that path anymore"? FREEDOM. Saying he was detaching from his past so much that he no longer remembered what it was like TO be that villain, and he was HAPPY. Never thought he'd feel like this, or have a blank slate future hope. Actually smiling, almost teary.
Barry pondering this.  Is it because you have another world to go to? Wondering where HE would fit, and how-- unlike Mimic, he was rather strongly tied to his Canon self? Limitedly so but still. What would he have to forget, or leave behind, to truly become someone new and free?

Daily reflection, mentioned egyptian oppression, pinged a regretful MARKUS. He was all YELLOW/AMBER??? Laurie asked why aren't you violet, Markus said the color needs to stabilize, and besides he always had a split resonance. Still felt wrong, off. He was carrying FAR too much anxiety/ worry. What happened to that hopeful bravado that once defined him? We NEED to go into heartspace.
Markus also said his color, and self as a nativized outpacer, DEPENDED ON HIS LEAGUEWORLD. Until that developed properly, HE would be unstable too.

CZ response "what moves you to worship"= "God didn't forsake chaos. He came to it, and stayed close to it, and out of it He made all things. He didn't reject it as hopeless, or destroy it as evil. He hovered over it like a bird, protecting its child. He saw in that formless waste, the potential nevertheless for infinite beauty. And He made it so."

Bible overstudy. Exhausted & fearful, kept making a mess of food. God warning? What am I doing to make Him mad?

"But it will not be of any use to look back on the mistakes, the faults, the lost days, unless it leads to something more than regret. It is easy enough to feel sorrow, but sorrow alone will not avail us unless we repent of the past, and repentance does not only mean being sorry. It means a desire for a better future. Well, then, let us look forward, and strive to learn from the experience of the past, and to do better by God’s help in the future."

Stupid small purge, thanks to tasting muffins. Stupid.
Felt so so sick & miserable after. Why do we STILL do this.
Feeling dead & empty & starving & sad inside. Numb from grief.

...

Jesus saves, redeems, AND restores

Laurie commenting that Love is the only motivation that can stop someone from being a selfish jerk, basically
"Elaborate on that." Why? "Because I don't want you running away from such a revelation"
Mimic "love holds you to a higher standard" "you start to live for others; but I believed that no one would want to live for me in return"? "It was all survival" "I couldn't give what I didn't have [given to me first]" etc.
Love means LOYALTY.

Laurie: to give up everything for God "is only hard because of fallen nature. But if you do it for love, its the easiest thing in the world"
"Problem is, love can keep you holding on, too, if its in the wrong direction. But any love turned earthwards gets mangled, it poses itself. It doesn't act like love anymore."

⭐⭐⭐"we must be saved in order that we may be good, and not that we must be good in order that we may be saved"

Mimic lecturing Barry
"You have to acknowledge them AS sins, you bonehead" "I've thought about this. To admit that somethings a sin means that you recognize it as something offensive, and harmful, not necessarily to the body but to the soul. And THAT acknowledgement requires a whole new way of thinking about life. The existence of sin itself admits a much bigger and more serious moral picture than we want to admit, when we're the ones vandalizing it."

(unfinished)