the spectrum heart cathedral system

Tragically I cannot keep the plush
Apparently I'm having VOCS reaction to the polyester???
I'll let it air out for a week. If I'm still getting instant dyspnea and nasal constriction every time I breathe near the fabric I will have to donate it.

Actually, Mimic is asking me to. This is unprecedented.
We never actually thought about how anchor plushes work before. Only Chaos 0 and Celebi have ever really had them; all the Pokemon outspacers never had any System-anchored presences so that's a totally different thing. But I guess we just assumed that if you bought someone an anchor plush, they'd be able to use it. 
Apparently that's not the case. Mimic didn't realize until he had the actual opportunity that he is absolutely not comfortable with having that sort of "split-level" presence. He does not want to "exist in the physical space" as well as upstairs-- he's obviously disturbed by the "dual location" idea itself, but I think he's also rattled by the idea of being in the world and not just upstairs. And we never realized that could be upsetting for someone, because nousfoni are so used to moving in and out of the body to do their jobs, but outspacers do not do that. Outspacers actually DON'T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO FRONT unless they are given explicit permission by the Core. But we never realized that this fact apparently affects their capacity to be in the physical at ALL.
So yeah, Mimic actually has decided-- and explicitly told me-- that he wants to "stay inside."
...I think that's better, too. His personality really doesn't fit an anchor plush. He's far too private, too reserved, too sober. He likes to stay out of the spotlight, he doesn't like being in a space where he can suddenly be called on without warning, as it were-- and that's really the whole purpose of an anchor plush: to facilitate instant immediate contact. That is NOT his thing. I'm sorry I didn't even realize any of this before I bought it, but at least now we have learned some very important information, and I am grateful for that.
Plus, hey, at least now some StH fan gets a significantly reduced price plushie of my beloved octopus, haha. It just breaks my heart that they won't see him as I do, in this "real life redemption arc". It hurts so much that he was written as a villain with no way out, despite that absolutely heartwrenching backstory they gave him (as brief and constricted as it was). 
Nevertheless, he has a new life with us now. He has a future that doesn't end in suicide. He has hope and he has the opportunity to make amends and he is loved. That's what matters. 


RUNNING LATE AGAIN THIS HAPPENS EVERY SATURDAY
LORD JESUS DO YOUR THING I TRUST IN YOU 🙏🙏🙏🙏


Evening =
DEVASTATINGLY TIRED. Can barely move or think straight. 
Why does this happen every single Saturday??? Is it because we have to eat so early? And/or is it because of the obligatory social interactions and vocal exertion?
No strength to do laundry as a result; we'll have to wait until next weekend at least

Update = Apparently God knew why we cannot do laundry today.
Mom wants us to come back up the house this week to LITERALLY PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF IN APRIL.
...This is insane. This is terrifying. After all the times we said no, and gave her good reasons, and backed up our refusals with authority figures, and even displayed severe symptoms when we overrode our own good judgment, and even when the April hell LITERALLY MADE US ATTEMPT SUICIDE, she STILL CANNOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. She keeps saying, "one day you'll get over it." She hasn't stopped asking and every time she frames it as I've been holding up the entire house renovation project for months because apparently, no one else on the planet can sand the old paint off three feet of her bedroom wall. 
Is this her strange way of trying to "force" me to "move back in" eventually, as she also keeps hinting at for all four of her kids? Is this her strange way of trying to find a way to spend time with me? I don't know. I'm just... i want to sob because I cannot deny the fact that I am SCARED TO DEATH of that house and yet I am SO ASHAMED because I STILL CAN'T VERBALIZE WHY to her and so to her mind THAT FEAR IS INVALID AND UNREAL. (and she will NOT give ANY CREDENCE to our explanations when we DO try)
And my faith keeps telling me, "you need to sacrifice everything for her." "You need to sacrifice yourself to be whatever she needs you to be."
Nevermind the fact that my own priest, and all my therapists, keep telling me NOT TO.
...but she won't take no for answer. She will not take no for an answer. And the more she pushes, and the more upset she gets that I'm "holding everything up" and basically preventing her from having the future she wants, the more I feel like I am abusing her by not wanting to do that chore because of the environment of physiological horror I have to endure for four solid hours in order to do so. 
Am I just an idiot weakling coward for feeling that way? CAN I just turn it off and get over it like she says?
...I guess I'll find out this week. God help me. 




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https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/kng/hebrews-11.html
⚠️MAJOR MARNING =  DISPENSATIONALISM ⚠️
(i.e. five solas, no unified historical church, premillennialism, Christian zionism, literal interpretation of Scripture, rapture, no purgatory, only 2 sacraments, no pope, penal substitutionary atonement)

...In Hebrews 11:8-22, the main point is the PERSEVERANCE  of faith. The examples show believers who WALK AS PILGRIMS [in this world, as those specifically & intentionally & purposefully & perseveringly & untiringly walking on the road to HEAVEN, as their ONE GOAL, no matter how rough and difficult and hard the road may be, refusing to stop or stray or get distracted, refusing to turn back or even think about doing so– for these pilgrims are doing more than just "visiting" heaven; they are "MIGRATING" there, knowingly and entirely leaving behind everything in the "old world" in order to be FREE to make this most arduous journey to the "new world," indeed the "new age of Christ," the Kingdom of God. Their entire identity in this world therefore was one of someone "passing through on the way." They are NOT "tourists" here; they are NOT "sightseeing"; they are NOT interested in the "lesser attractions" of the entertainments this fallen world offers them as they walk through it, hoping to profit from them thereby, and maybe keep them here for that purpose. But no, these pilgrims do not even carry a moneybag; in fact they don't carry anything extraneous to their mission, and have no desire to accumulate anything (Matthew 6:19-21, 10:9-10); their hearts are set on reaching God's House for the Wedding Feast and everything else is irrelevant. They have been called, and so they run, with no other desire in this world, with no other joy in their hearts, with no other hope for the future– and they do all this ONLY] in the POWER of FAITH that God SHALL fulfill His promises, even though that fulfillment still SEEMS to be so far away [and yet that doesn't matter– they will walk with total trust and commitment regardless. Even if they were to walk from the moment of birth to the moment of death, so they shall walk. Even if they were to walk through unending storms and on the most jagged paths, with hunger and thirst and exhaustion and sickness, still they will walk, because they know WHERE they are going, and WHY– because of WHO has commanded them TO walk. God has PROMISED them a Kingdom (Luke 12:32, Daniel 7:27, Matthew 25:34, Hebrews 12:28); God has PROMISED them a Savior (Acts 13:23, Luke 2:11, Jeremiah 23:5); God has PROMISED them a new heart and new spirit (Ezekiel 11:19-20, 36:25-27, Jeremiah 24:7, 31:33, Deuteronomy 30:6); God has PROMISED them forgiveness and redemption (Jeremiah 31:34, 50:20, Isaiah 38:17, 43:25, 44:22, Colossians 1:13-14, 2:13, Matthew 26:28, 1 John 1:19); God has PROMISED them eternal life (Isaiah 26:19, Ezekiel 37:12-14, Daniel 12:2, Acts 24:15, John 11:25-26, 1 John 2:25, Titus 1:2, 1 Peter 1:3-4)! You see now why these pilgrims are unshakable in their journey? You see now why everything this earth could possibly offer is "nothing and emptiness" (Isaiah 40:17) and doomed to disappear (Ecclesiastes 2:10-11, Luke 12:19-21, 1 Timothy 6:7), utter rubbish even (Philippians 3:8), and even a danger to our very lives (1 Timothy 6:9-10, James 5:1-3, Luke 16:13, Ezekiel 7:19, Matthew 13:22, 1 John 2:15-17)– completely worthless and meaningless compared to the eternal treasure of the Words and Will of God (Matthew 6:19-21, 16:25-26, Luke 12:33-34, 1 Timothy 6:17-19, Colossians 3:1-2, 1 Peter 1:3-4)?
His Word has called us to our true home, to our true destiny, to our true purpose and joy and life– there is no other path to walk. This pilgrimage defines our earthly existence. To neglect it, to abandon it, to stop walking, to turn around altogether– all this is death. But we can ONLY walk this road to heaven IF WE BELIEVE IN THE WORD OF THE ONE THAT CALLED US TO IT, AND WHO WILL GET US THERE, IF WE BUT TRUST HIM TO. (Hebrews 10:23, Philippians 1:6, 2 Timothy 1:12, 1 Peter 1:3-5, 5:10, 2 Peter 2:10-11, 1 Thessalonians 2:12, 5:9, 2 Thessalonians 2:13-14, 5:24, Romans 4:21, 8:28-32, John 6:37-40, 10:28-29, Psalm 138:7-8, 1 Corinthians 1:8-9, Ephesians 1:3-14).
"Lord, to whom else shall we go? You alone have the words of eternal life; You are our only hope." (John 6:68)
"By your patient endurance and steadfast faithfulness, empowered by the Holy Spirit, you will preserve your souls and gain eternal life... By continuing to stay strong in your faith in God, holding fast to Him in all things, you will save your souls... never give up trusting in Him, and you will win true life." (Luke 21:19)
So WE MUST PERSEVERE IN FAITH & TRUST, EXPRESSED THROUGH OBEDIENT ACTION, AT ANY AND ALL COSTS. WE MUST LOVE GOD ABOVE ALL THINGS AND IN ALL THINGS. WE MUST ALWAYS REMEMBER, AND CONFESS, THAT WE ARE PILGRIMS, HEADED TO OUR HEAVENLY HOMELAND, AND REJOICE IN THIS, EVEN IN WHAT WE MUST SUFFER AS RESULT. WE MUST LIVE WITH OUR EYES FIXED ON THE CROSS, AND ON THE EMPTY TOMB, AND ON OUR SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST, WHO WE FOLLOW AT EVERY STEP ON THIS PILGRIMAGE TO BOTH. WE MUST WALK WITH GOD ON THIS JOURNEY, TRUSTING HIS LEAD AS OUR SHEPHERD AND KING, OR WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO WALK AT ALL.]

🔔🔔🔔🔔 Each faith hero from the past ILLUSTRATES CERTAIN ASPECTS of faith that should ALSO CHARACTERIZE the Hebrews [and ALL CHRISTIANS-- so STUDY IT and MAKE ACTUAL ACTIVE EFFORTS to IMITATE them in your own life].
🌟🌟🌟❓❓❓[This litany of heroically faithful men, recounting the  particular ways in which their faith in God was demonstrated by their responses to His Words,] ALTOGETHER REFERS TO THE "FUTURE AGE" [OF CHRIST, when He would become Incarnate,] and particularly to the "HEAVENLY SIDE" of [His Kingdom, at the Parousia???].
[So their faithful actions, in accordance to what God Promised, could therefore be categorized as any of the following? = 1. REFLECTIONS of Christ in a typological manner (e.g. the Akedah), 2. Foreshadowing true fulfillment THROUGH Christ (e.g. the Exodus from Egypt?), 3. Temporal promises with their full realization ONLY in the "New heavens and new earth" (e.g. the Promised Land)??????
In any case even if my brain is too dumb to "reason this out" on my own (as I always make things too complicated anyway), the ONE TRUTH THAT MATTERS still stands– regardless of the particulars of each Promise of God, and regardless of the many different ways in which God's people responded to them in faith, EVERY PROMISE OF GOD ALWAYS BEGINS AND ENDS IN JESUS CHRIST, THE INCARNATE WORD. So we don't have to fuss over analysis. We can have FAITH in THIS Truth, too, that in some way, EVERY example of faith in this chapter of Hebrews DOES =
point to the COMING of Christ,
reflect the LIFE of Christ,
illustrate the WORK of Christ,
demonstrate the CHARACTER of Christ,
define the CHURCH of Christ,
prepare for the RETURN of Christ.
You get the idea! In essence, EVERY example of faith we are given both here AND IN ALL SCRIPTURE as a whole, SHOWS us HOW to WALK WITH CHRIST, for HE is the BEGINNING and the END of ALL HUMAN HISTORY, and EVERY WORD OF GOD SPEAKS OF HIM, WHO IS THAT WORD. That's the only lens we need to look through with this, with the express intention to SEE Christ in it all BY FAITH, and thus to FOLLOW Him in those ways as we come to know and recognize them, because these events are patterns and types of the Church and God is STILL working them in OUR lives as the BODY of Christ through His Holy Spirit!!!! ALL Christians WILL be called out of Ur, called to live as sojourners, called to sacrifice our Isaac, called to forsake Pharaoh’s house to suffer with God's people, called to leave Egypt and walk through the Red Sea, called to die in sure hope of deliverance... called to walk onwards into the unknown without fear "as one who could see the Invisible," for truly we CAN, in the Face of Jesus, the "pioneer of our faith," our LORD and Leader and Captain and King and Brother and Friend and Bridegroom. HE should characterize our life, not anymore as a distant PROMISE but as a PRESENT PERSON, and indeed He CAN, and WILL, be this for us, in His SACRAMENTS and by His SPIRIT, IF WE ONLY BELIEVE THAT HE CAN AND WILL AND WANTS TO AND IS. I cannot emphasize enough that in the end the ONLY OBSTACLE, AND THE ONLY OPEN DOOR, IS OUR FREE CHOICE TO TRUST GOD (CCC 2002). GOD HAS GIVEN US THE GRACE; HE OFFERS IT TO ALL MANKIND IN ALL AGES THROUGH JESUS CHRIST, AND IN HIM GOD DOES MAKE HIS GRACE AVAILABLE ALWAYS (Council of Trent Canon 17 Session 6, CCC 2001, Diary 1182, 1 Timothy 2:3-4, Titus 2:11, 2 Corinthians 9:8). BUT WE MUST OPEN OUR HEARTS TO RECEIVE THAT GRACE, THROUGH FAITH– OR WE WILL LOSE IT ALTOGETHER (Matthew 13:12, 25:29).
[ALSO I never considered to check this treasure trove before but WOW = (Diary 146, 291, 367, 392, 580, 595, 687, 690, 699, 715, 738(??!!), 776, 1017, 1107, 1170, 1220, 1315, 1385, 1447, 1449, 1484-1486????? (STUDY HARD), 1507, 1570, 1577, 1578, 1602, 1641, 1682, 1687, 1698, 1719, 1728(!!!), 1743, 1744, 1747, 1758, 1777, 1784, !!!]
[HONESTLY THOUGH I'M LEARNING THAT I MIGHT BE ENTIRELY WRONG IN MY ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT WHAT GRACE REALLY IS AND HOW GRACE "WORKS". I MUST HUMBLY ADMIT MY IGNORANCE AND BEG GOD TO TEACH ME AND LEAD ME TO LEARN MORE, AS MUCH AS HE WILLS FOR ME, FOR MY SAKE AND THE SAKE OF OTHERS THROUGH ME.]

🚫🚫🚫🚫 The previous faith heroes were not called to abandon anything, but Abraham HAS to do that [as the initial COMMAND upon his obedience of faith].
[Abraham was the only one explicitly called to do so, BUT, IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE WAYS, EVERY HERO OF FAITH MUST "ABANDON" SOMETHING TO FOLLOW GOD!!! Isaac HAD to "abandon" his own natural youthly desire to live in the Akedah AND his later fatherly desire to bless Esau; Jacob HAD to "abandon" his father's house and his own desires of marriage; Joseph HAD to "abandon" the comforts of home and family and even of freedom and reputation; Moses HAD to abandon his privileged position and political opportunity and even his own notions of himself; and the nation of Israel HAD to abandon everything that was familiar and stable and predictable about their life before God called them out of the world– and ALL of these abandonments were the DIRECT RESULTS OF RESPONDING TO GOD IN FAITH, IN ORDER TO DO HIS WILL, even if He didn't specifically demand such renunciations! BUT THEY WERE STILL NECESSARY PARTS OF THEIR "WALKS OF FAITH". You cannot follow God wholeheartedly if you don't let go of everything else you're clinging to first. God's call to abandonment is INEVITABLE for EVERY soul that truly desires to be faithful to Him, and BY your faith, He WILL give you the GRACE to do it.]

When God calls Abraham, he goes, [and that's it– he simply GOES, simply "gets up and leaves," walking out the door and down the road without a map or a compass or a plan, and not looking back, simply because GOD TOLD HIM TO LEAVE. The details would come later– God WOULD show Abraham where he was going, but perhaps NOT UNTIL HE ARRIVED! So Abraham literally starts out blind, faithfully and humbly doing exactly what God has asked him to do, without any additions or subtractions– to DEPART for another land,] even though he doesn’t know [any identifying details about] where he will end up. [In this active way,] the faith of Abraham SHOWS [not only a full TRUST, but also] a FULL CONFIDENCE IN GOD. [Abraham BELIEVED God, not only in the TRUTH of the PROMISE given, but also in the CHARACTER of God, that He WOULD ALSO LEAD Abraham TO it, and to PROVIDE for him on the way, and most of all would GIVE ABRAHAM THE GRACE TO PERSEVERE??? Because surely Abraham recognized that, no matter how much he WILLED to obey and trust and follow God into the unknown, his natural inclinations would be fighting him– they would resist the loss of all familiar comforts, they would fear the risks of famine & storm, they would worry at the absence of all concrete helps of direction or expectation, they might even doubt the reality of the Divine command itself! But Abraham had FAITH that was STRONGER than mere selfish survival instinct, and he surely KNEW that IF GOD CALLED, GOD WOULD ENABLE THE RESPONSE. THAT was the TRUE confidence– the total conviction that if he just said YES and TOOK THAT FIRST DECISIVE STEP, with his FREE WILL FIXED ON OBEDIENCE TO GOD'S WILL DESPITE EVERYTHING, then GOD WOULD "STEP IN" AND SUPPLY HIM WITH EVERYTHING HE NEEDED TO CONTINUE IN THAT FAITHFUL WALK. Abraham KNEW he COULDN'T do it in his "own strength." He had NO CONFIDENCE IN SELF. But this ENABLED him to have ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE IN GOD. And God "HONORED" that childlike trust with Fatherly fidelity and generosity. Abraham’s faith "opened the door" for that available and necessary grace to be poured into his soul. If Abraham had doubted God's willingness or capacity to help, or thought that he would have to "do things on his own," then he would have shut the door to the very fountain of blessings that God was waiting to give in ready response to Abraham’s faithful "fiat"!]
Abraham had NOTHING [BUT GOD'S COMMAND AND PROMISE] TO FOCUS ON; he KNEW NOTHING of the land he was guided to– not a NAME of anything, nor ANY PARTICULARITIES [of it whatsoever, in terms of distance or appearance or resources or population, etc. But he did not need nor seek these things, because] GOD WAS SUFFICIENT FOR HIM. He did not ask: ‘Where do I go?’ [nor even, 'are we getting close?' Or 'how much longer?' No, Abraham simply WALKED, and let GOD do ALL the talking.] HIS FAITH WAS NOT MIXED WITH HIS OWN CALCULATIONS. He trusted on the Word of the God Who CANNOT DECEIVE. [And BECAUSE of that simple fact, HE HAD NO NEED TO MAKE ANY CALCULATIONS!!!]

The life of Abraham is the GREAT EXAMPLE of [every Christian, made a "descendant of Abraham" by FAITH in Jesus Christ and through BAPTISM into His spiritual lineage,] who is ALSO CALLED [BY GOD, THROUGH GRACE, INTO HIS CHURCH].
🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔 The CRUCIAL POINT of the CALLING is the PROMISE. To OBTAIN the Promise, YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING. You ONLY do that when you TRUST that HE WHO CALLS YOU IS EVERYTHING, and that HE HAS A BETTER WORLD FOR YOU: a world FILLED WITH HIS GLORY IN CHRIST.
[...This hits so hard but it makes solemn sense. God's Promises DO call us "out of the world," and "out of our old life," and "out of ourselves," into a totally new world and life and identity, one irreversibly re-established IN GOD, and in the unseen, and in eternity. To accept God's Promise as REAL means to shape our whole existence around it, because it literally changes everything-- it brings us INTO THE LIFE OF CHRIST HIMSELF, and He basically REDEFINES REALITY AND OUR VERY WAY OF EXISTING IN IT-- because living in Christ means LIVING HIS PASSION, and that means DYING WITH HIM (Luke 9:23-25, John 12:24-26, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15, Philippians 1:21, Galatians 2:20, 5:24, 6:14, Colossians 3:3, Revelation 12:11). So in a very real and honestly shocking sense, because they are all sourced in and centered on and fulfilled in Jesus Christ, all of God's Promises REQUIRE A DEATH TO SELF. And that means to embrace ANY one of His Promises, you MUST first let go of everything of this world and of your own self-will. You HAVE to give up EVERYTHING "ELSE" in order to hold EVERYTHING THAT IS. (Matthew 6:24, James 2:5, 4:4, Romans 8:5, 1 John 2:15-17, Luke 14:26)
...I need to reflect a LOT more on this.]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️🔔🔔🔔🔔The obedience of Abraham was IMMEDIATE [because it was DEVOID OF SELF-INTEREST]. His obedience was NOT ROOTED IN ANY CHARM OF WHAT WAS PRESENTED TO HIM, but [SOLELY] IN THE GLORY OF HIM WHO SPOKE.
[Abraham sought NO "GLORY" OF HIS OWN in this; he NEVER asked, "what will I gain from this?" And he NEVER thought, "I'll do it, because I want what you're offering." No, Abraham obeyed God BECAUSE GOD GAVE THE COMMAND. His TRUE treasure, his TRUE reward, was TO DO GOD'S WILL, and to GLORIFY HIS NAME THEREBY.]

Cutting down to 1550K today.
Want to try 1300 tomorrow, maybe less.
I want to be poor & small so badly.


MISSED THE BUS BECAUSE THE TEXT SAID IT WAS DELAYED AND IT WASN'T
WALKED TO CHURCH INSTEAD!!! ❤❤❤❤
THANK YOU GOD NOW I KNOW I CAN DO IT

MIMIC COLOR ROSARY
Thanking God for his "second chance at life"
"God will use you to help Him save others, too, if you let Him"

Realized that I'm "pulling a KORBAN" with this E.D.U. & vocation obsession???
WHAT IF I REALLY AM ACTUALLY THE GERASENE?????
WHAT IF GOD ACTUALLY WANTS ME TO STAY HERE AND EVANGELIZE MY FAMILY INSTEAD OF A HOSPITAL WARD????
WHAT IF GOD ACTUALLY WANTS ME TO GO HOME AND CARE FOR MY AGING MOTHER INSTEAD OF JOINING A CONVENT????
THIS IS TERRIFYING BUT IF IT IS GOD'S WILL THEN THY WILL BE DONE


This also means I CANNOT BE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT SO I GET "SICKER & SMALLER & WEAKER & POORER"
IF GOD WANTS ME TO TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY THEN I NEED TO MAN UP AND GET STRONGER AND STOP BEING SUCH A SELFPITYING FOOL
or is this just arrogant pride talking?
SHOULD I be more like Saint Francis and Saint Clare, and be MORE ascetic for love of God?
BUT YOU'RE NOT CUTTING CALORIES "FOR LOVE OF GOD" YOU MORON
YOU WANT TO WASTE AWAY SO THAT YOU CAN DIE.
ADMIT IT.
THAT'S WHY YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL "FOR A LONG TIME."
YOU DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO KEEP LIVING.
THAT'S THE DEVIL TEMPTING YOU AND YOU NEED TO FIGHT HIM

PRAY TO SAINT ELIJAH AND SAINT PAUL
EAT THE BREAD GOD GIVES YOU OR YOU WON'T MAKE THE JOURNEY TO HIM (1 KINGS 19:4-8)
EAT THE BREAD GOD TELLS YOU TO OR YOU WON'T SURVIVE THE STORM ON THE WAY TO WITNESS TO HIM AND SERVE OTHERS (ACTS 27:23-36)

MAXIMUM PRECIOUS BLOOD. I honestly could not have swallowed any more. It did so much good for my heart. How do I explain it?
VERY WEIRD HOST. Smaller, yellowish, hard! Unusual taste too. Took this as SPECIAL because I made the huge effort to get there today and receive Him.
Did NOT soften. Good. That way He will stay with me longer

Adoration distraction due to the "manic success" curse kicking in again
"What MORE things can I push myself to do since I'm apparently invincible"???
I HATE this

Resulted in BIBLE STUDY SCRUPULOSITY PANIC when I got home.
Texting choir director for help =
"...quick question because I don't trust my own mind on this = the local church is having a Bible study session at 630pm today. But I don't know if I should go or not, Because it would involve walking that whole mile at night (mostly uphill). But I feel like God wants me to go and if I don't I'm going to be disobeying Him. I keep asking for "signs", but I don't know how to tell what I'm seeing or hearing is true, or just my own mind.
So I'm reaching out to you for help in discerning this wisely."
"My real problem though is that, although I think I feel like my body is too weak, and needs to rest, I strongly feel like acknowledging this and staying home is being an unfaithful slothful coward, when rather I "should be" willing to suffer the physical effort & sacrifice of time for God. This sounds like scrupulosity but I cannot tell what is truly right and just. Like if I DON'T go, that's effectively saying "I don't love God enough to suffer for Him"."

The biggest and most shameful question here =
Am I pushing myself to do this FOR PURE LOVE OF GOD, or because =
1. I want to burn more calories by walking
2. I want to prove I'm not a weakling and a coward
3. I want to "teach people" at the study
4. I want to be seen there as "proof of my devotion to God"
5. I want to be seen walking there as "proof of how much I'm willing to endure for God"
This is all pride.
You stupid fool. You SHOULD stay home JUST AS PUNISHMENT.

...his reply is notable. (emphasis mine)
"I encourage you to trust my judgment on this. It is nothing but scrupulosity. I would say there would be MORE culpability if you were to FORCE yourself to go WHEN YOU DO NOT HAVE TO and ENDANGER YOUR HEALTH.
We will never love God enough and we will never suffer enough for our sins, which is why He paid the infinite price. All He asks us to do is to accept the suffering that HE permits to come to us and in your case, that is the suffering of DENYING YOUR WILL and ACCEPTING THE FACT that YOU NEED TO REST AND NOT TAKE ON ALL OF THESE EXTRA THINGS."

...in light of all this, I've reluctantly pushed my calories back up to at least 1600.
It's shameful & humiliating. I feel so dirty & wrong & weak & gluttonous & godless.
But Father P said "I FORBID you to fast" under sacramental solemnity and my conscience keeps pricking me that even if I'm still eating two small meal, slashing calories with the intention to become thinner as a result STILL counts as "fasting" in my disordered circumstances.

God directly speaking to my immediate struggles through YouTube again
https://youtu.be/MB-AwmcRFOk?is=Rpx_SkluOikciAk_
https://youtu.be/HjJSPpt83sA?is=mAcGjcfagEhTZqO6
https://youtu.be/ZjfJ9Md2FdI?is=71Xfq55aiVSEPoRO
Gutpunches, utterly unexpected. Convicting in such sharpness.
How ironic, as it all speaks of God's Love. That's the core of my problem. I receive it all through this filter of self-condemnation and I miss the whole point all over again. I am such a fool.
That's proof, too.
Humility actually cannot coexist with hatred, you realize.


Evening =
Well, as it turns out, my BODY is saying "NO" to walking to the Bible study.
I forgot how WEAK and CONFUSED and SORE I get after I eat dinner. (How do I forget every day, that's insane, am I still dissociating that bad and never realized it???)

At least now I can get more religious archiving & typing done and GET TO BED EARLY FOR ONCE THANK GOD!!!!


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https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/cgt/hebrews-11.html

...“the visible world did not derive its existence from anything phenomenal.” ...This verse... strikes the KEYNOTE OF FAITH by shewing that its FIRST OBJECT MUST BE a DIVINE AND INFINITE CREATOR.
[I was actually thinking about this as I walked to church today, reflecting on how "survival brain" made me blind to eternity, and wondering "how does the natural world witness to unseen realities anyway?" But as I looked at the trees and flowers in their elegant shapes and colors, and at the cloudy sky with its beautiful forms, and even at the little birds and their delicate and perfectly designed little bodies... I realized, this doesn't happen at random. There MUST be a Source of the pattern. How else would a tree "know" to grow with such finesse, to exhibit such glory? How else would the clouds "know" to take on such objectively lovely shapes, to reflect such wonderful hues? Where does the "blueprint" for a bird come from– its wings, its bones, its song? And HOW does ALL this appear AS PATTERNS– trees and rivers and blood vessels and lungs and lightning? (And of course the affectionately infamous "crab" argument of "convergent evolution"!)
There MUST be an OBJECTIVE TRUTH beneath ALL of it, a DEEPER REALITY from which this one blooms.
The only logical explanation whatsoever is that there MUST be an Intelligent Designer– a Divine Artist and Architect and Engineer– not only full of Wisdom and Knowledge, but BEING those very things as their DEFINITION. God IS Beauty itself. God IS Goodness itself, the way all created things have their purpose and it all works together in miraculous harmony. The oceans feed the skies and the clouds feed the trees and the plants feed the birds and the birds feed the animals... even the stars feed the earth, and the earth feeds the people, and it all comes from God, the true Bread of Life, the Eternal Unseen Life that ALL temporal visible life NECESSARILY witnesses to. IT COULDN'T EXIST OTHERWISE (CCC 338).
...This all hits the absolute hardest when you realize that God created it all specifically for love of us (CCC 293-294, 315, 319). God made the entire cosmos for the sake of humanity (CCC 280, 288, 299, 356, 358), specifically AS HIS CHURCH (CCC 759-760). This is mindboggling but it is TRUE, and the PROOF of it is in the very MEANS– God CREATED it all, and SUSTAINS it all, THROUGH JESUS CHRIST (CCC 291, 301, 320; John 1:1-4, Hebrews 1:2-3, 1 Corinthians 8:6, Colossians 1:15-17), the Only Son He specifically sent to become a man and die to save us from sin so that we could live with Him forever, AS the Church (CCC 763), IN that eternal unseen invisible reality where ALL earthly truth and beauty has its origin and end (CCC 302), and the destiny of mankind is fulfilled (CCC 772-773, 778). And ALL of this MUST ALSO be part of our faith in God and in Jesus.
May we remember these truths whenever we look at Creation, and recognize not only the beautiful glory and wise goodness of our Creator within it, but also the infinite love He has for us little humans specifically, and the astonishing destiny He has created us for, not only because He has given us this cosmos as a gift and inheritance, but because He has done so through uniting Himself with us in Jesus Christ, making us into His Body the Church, and thus making us more glorious and beautiful than anything we can see around us, for we, by faith, have eternal life, through God's eternal Love.
It's ineffable. I cannot properly put it into words. It can only be truly known by the heart.]
(Also consider Isaiah 40:12-14 + 1 Corinthians 2:9-16 + Ephesians 3:16-19 together on this topic)

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟...We may naturally infer that Abel’s was a more CAREFULLY-CHOSEN and VALUABLE offering, [specifically and honestly choosing the BEST he could possibly give in quality (not "cutting any corners," adhering to the highest standards without exceptions), AND in worth, of BOTH "market value" AND "personal value" surely. Abel "gave what hurt to lose"– because fallen human ego wants to keep the best for itself, because it fears that anything less "won't be good enough" to "provide for my needs"? It wants to "hoard" for security, it fears that "letting go" of even a little will result in destitution, it refuses to share because "there isn't enough for the two of us," etc. It's ultimately all survival based, and it's all the result of faithless distrust in God’s Providential Love– and the very "pain" that this self-denying offering caused was already a "proof" of its "righteousness" (1 Chronicles 21:23-24), because that is the nature of the Cross (Genesis 22:2).
🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤❤‼️‼️‼️‼️ ...but especially that it was offered in a more SINCERE and HUMBLE SPIRIT of FAITH and LOVE.
[AND THAT IS THE ONLY REASON WHY HE WAS ABLE TO CHOOSE AND GIVE WHAT WAS MOST VALUABLE TO HIM– BECAUSE, BY ITS VERY NATURE, LOVE NEEDS TO DO THAT FOR THE BELOVED.
So, if you DON'T love God, then you WON'T give Him your best, simply because you don't consider Him WORTHY of it... because TO NOT LOVE GOD IS TO LOVE SELF INSTEAD. AND THAT IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF PRIDE–THE ROOT OF ALL VICES, AND THE SIN THAT CREATED HELL.
But LOVE naturally results in HUMILITY– a loving, gentle, UNPRETENTIOUS willingness and desire to SERVE the other, to be small so that others can be great, to have less so that others can be given more, to honor and respect and cherish the other more than oneself, yet without hating oneself, because you aren't even thinking of yourself, because the "other" is ALWAYS the "BELOVED." Humility is simple and unassuming and lowly and ordinary, happily dwelling "close to the ground" ("humus") so that others can fly up to the sky, and humility REJOICES in this, because its JOY is in the joy of the OTHER, because it LOVES them. And THIS IS HOW WE MUST BE DISPOSED TOWARDS GOD, NOT ONLY BECAUSE HE IS THE HIGHEST & GREATEST & MOST DESERVING OF ALL HONOR & GLORY (AND WE ABSOLUTELY ARE NOT; WE TRULY ARE MERE "DUST" COMPARED TO HIM), BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY ACTS THIS WAY TOWARDS US, IN BECOMING HUMAN IN JESUS CHRIST, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MUCH HE LOVES US, AND HOW MUCH HE IS WILLING AND DESIROUS TO SACRIFICE FOR OUR SAKE, SO THAT WE CAN BE "LIFTED UP" TO SHARE HIS GLORY— BUT ONLY IF WE RESPOND TO THIS IN HUMILITY, BECAUSE THAT IS HIS GLORY, BECAUSE THAT IS HIS LOVE!!!!!! AND WE CAN ONLY GET TO THAT POINT BY HAVING FAITH NOT ONLY THAT GOD IS REAL, AND THAT JESUS IS GOD, BUT ALSO (AND NECESSARILY) BY HAVING TRUST THAT GOD LOVES US, AND THAT LOVE IS DEMONSTRATED ABSOLUTELY IN JESUS CHRIST. ONLY HUMILITY CAN ADMIT THIS, BECAUSE ONLY HUMILITY CAN SEE AND ACCEPT AND ADORE THE SHOCKINGLY HUMBLE LOVE OF GOD. ONLY HUMILITY CAN LET ITSELF BE LOVED LIKE THAT, AND THEREFORE BE GRACIOUSLY ENABLED TO RESPOND IN KIND (1 John 4:19)... by SACRIFICING OURSELF FOR HIM, TOO (Matthew 16:25, 2 Corinthians 5:15, 2 Corinthians 4:10-11, Romans 14:6-8, Galatians 2:20).
So of course ALL of this is ABSOLUTELY FATAL TO PRIDE.
TRUE HUMILITY, BEING BORN OF LOVE, CRUSHES DOWN ALL THE SELF-SERVING, BLASPHEMOUS ATTEMPTS OF PRIDE to make ITSELF greater and better and richer and more important than others, INCLUDING GOD– FOR ONLY PRIDE WOULD DARE to give God ANYTHING "less than perfect," or "of lesser value," or something "haphazardly chosen," or "any old thing," something "not that important to me," or "that I won't mind losing," or "that I can spare"!!!!!
And pride ONLY acts like that because PRIDE HAS NO FAITH. True, a proud soul MAY still believe that God exists, but A PROUD SOUL WILL NEVER TRUST GOD... and therefore, IT WILL NEVER LOVE GOD, EITHER.
Pride is also INEVITABLY a LIAR, the satanic duo. Pride CANNOT be sincere because honesty is OPENNESS, and that means VULNERABILITY, and that means TRUST, and Pride WILL NOT trust ANYONE but itself... because it DOESN'T LOVE THEM.
You see it always loops back around to the very essence of God.
This means that we can ONLY offer PROPER SACRIFICE when we offer it in the same manner as JESUS CHRIST– totally self-giving and freely willing, of highest objective worth and personal value, openly honest and deeply sincere, worshipfully humble and self-denying, moved and motivated entirely and purely by TRUST and FAITH and LOVE FOR GOD. Of course we cannot do this exactly, but by grace and the Holy Spirit we CAN always do so more and more each time we JOIN Christ on the Cross, with the fervent desire and prayer TO do so. THAT is what ALONE makes ANY of our sacrifices "acceptable to God"– and surely so too with Abel, even as the very first recorded type, the very first witness of hope, even then sharing in the promised substance by the merciful grace of faith– they MUST be offered THROUGH JESUS CHRIST, THROUGH FAITH.
This is ALSO why the HOLY SACRIFICE OF THE MASS is absolutely ESSENTIAL to the Christian life and soul, because THE EUCHARIST is the ONLY TIME that we– specifically as the baptized & faithful Church– can ACTUALLY & LITERALLY UNITE "OUR BODIES AS A LIVING SACRIFICE" (Romans 12:1, CCC 2031) TO OUR "HEAD" (Ephesians 5:23) IN HIS ETERNAL OFFERING (CCC 1366-1368). WE ARE ACCEPTED THROUGH HIM (CCC 2100).]

⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️...the allusion seems to be to “the voice of his BLOOD ”... No doubt it is also meant that he speaks by his EXAMPLE, but... Philo says “Abel, which is most strange, has both been slain and lives” (Opp. i. 200). He deduces from Genesis 4:10 that Abel is still unforgotten [by men AND by God – IN TOTAL CONTRAST to what appears to be a prevailing belief that the wicked were FORGOTTEN (Exodus 32:33, Deuteronomy 29:20, Proverbs 10:7, Psalm 9:5, 34:16, 69:28,109:15), and perhaps even the dead IN GENERAL (Isaiah 26:14, Ecclesiastes 2:16, 9:5, Psalm 88:5)?????], and HENCE that the righteous are IMMORTAL. [Isaiah 41:14-15??????]
[LOOK FURTHER INTO THIS BELIEF LATER SO I UNDERSTAND IT PROPERLY]

🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔 and that he IS a rewarder = Rather, “and that He BECOMES (i.e. SHEWS or PROVES Himself TO be) a rewarder.”
[This still stuns me. When we DO have faith in God, this verse is saying that God DOESN'T just "sit there silently" in response– no, He actually "BECOMES" a "rewarder" OF our faith by His OWN choice, and that "reward" is to "PROVE" to us the OBJECT of our faith???? He SHOWS Himself TO our eyes OF Faith????]

⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ [Noah was] MOVED with fear = INFLUENCED [to act, specifically upon God's Word] by REVERENCE [spiritual, moral; "holy fear" of disobedience] AND GODLY CAUTION [temporal??? Yet still "godly" because still obedient TO God and oriented TOWARDS Him????]

‼️‼️‼️‼️ condemned the world = His EXAMPLE [OF LIVED-OUT FAITH] was in CONDEMNING CONTRAST with the [EQUALLY LIVED-OUT] UNBELIEF of the world (Matthew 12:41, Luke 11:31).
[WHETHER WE DO OR DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD (BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY TRUE OBJECT OF ALL BELIEF), THIS WILL BE VISIBLY DEMONSTRATED AND PRACTICED BY OUR CHOICES & ACTIONS, WHETHER WE CONSCIOUSLY REALIZE IT OR NOT???]

The patriarchs are constantly called paroikoi , “dwellers beside,” “sojourners”.
["Wheat and tares" subtle reference, if not so extreme a dichotomy? Still "heaven vs. the world" though; "people of God vs. people without God"??? The Patriarchs and their families WERE the "early church" in a real sense; there has ALWAYS been a mix of the faithful and the faithless, all the way back to Cain and Abel.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤❤ builder and maker = Rather, “ARCHITECT and builder"... God is called the “Architect” of the Universe in Wisdom 13:1...
[LET ME QUOTE ALL OF THIS BECAUSE IT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE DISCUSSING EARLIER!!!! =]
Wisdom of Solomon 13:1-9
"Yes, naturally stupid are all who are unaware of God, and who, from GOOD THINGS SEEN, have not been able to discover HIM-WHO-IS, or, by studying the WORKS, have not recognised the ARTIFICER.
Fire, however, or wind, or the swift air, the sphere of the stars, impetuous water, heaven's lamps, are what they have held to be the "gods" who govern the world.
If, charmed by their BEAUTY, they have taken THESE for gods, let them know HOW MUCH THE MASTER OF THESE EXCELS THEM, since HE WAS THE VERY SOURCE OF BEAUTY THAT CREATED THEM And if they have been impressed by their POWER and ENERGY, let them DEDUCE from these how much MIGHTIER is HE THAT HAS FORMED THEM, since THROUGH THE GRANDEUR AND BEAUTY OF THE CREATURES WE MAY, BY ANALOGY, CONTEMPLATE THEIR AUTHOR.
Small blame, however, attaches to them, for perhaps they go astray only in their SEARCH for God and their EAGERNESS to FIND him; FAMILIAR WITH HIS WORKS, they INVESTIGATE them and FALL VICTIM TO APPEARANCES, SEEING SO MUCH BEAUTY.
But even so, they have no excuse: if they are CAPABLE of ACQUIRING ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE to be ABLE to INVESTIGATE the world, HOW HAVE THEY BEEN SO SLOW TO FIND ITS MASTER?")

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️ They "received" the promises in one sense: AS Promises; but had not yet entered upon their FRUITION.
[This is actually a very notable point! God gives ONCE; He makes the Promise and so it IS "received"; the "possession" of it IS true, even if only in WORD; just because they don't have the "tangible historical fulfillment" of it YET doesn't mean they don't "HAVE" it in the Promise itself. It's STILL THEIRS, and guaranteed; the point I'm making is that in a sense, the invisible reality is more important than the visible actualization. Yes the Promises are MEANT to be fulfilled in time & space– that's WHY God gave them CONCERNING such things; He is NOT deceptive– but they ALWAYS ALSO have a SPIRITUAL component that transcends & surpasses their historical fulfillment, and that component is ALWAYS CHRIST, Who is the FOCAL POINT OF ALL HUMAN HISTORY (CCC 668, 759) and the REASON FOR CREATION ITSELF (CCC 280, 381). And even now we haven't "received" the full fruition– that still awaits the Second Coming! And yet, IN FAITH, and THROUGH THE PROMISES OF SCRIPTURE, we HAVE "received" those future realities AS real, and so we DO rejoice IN their reality, even if we don't get to see it with our earthly eyes!]

🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️ that they seek a country = Rather, “that they are seeking FURTHER after a NATIVE land.” Hence comes the argument of the next verse that it was not their OLD home in Chaldea for which they were yearning, but a [NEW and] HEAVENLY native-land [since, after having been called OUT of the world by God, and thus having come into a "new life" of FAITH, they DIDN'T have a "homeland" on earth anymore!! Their SEEKING was therefore the LOGICAL RESULT of this situation!!]

...the faith and hopes of the Patriarchs reached BEYOND mere temporal blessings.
...they desire = The word means, “they are yearning for,” “they stretch forth their hands towards.”
[Notably the word often used for "stretch"-- "natah"-- is ALSO used for pitching tents, inclining ears, and turning hearts. That is, spiritually, exactly what these faithful men were doing; they turned their hearts away from the world to turn towards God, they inclined their ears to His Voice, and their souls made their home with Him, wherever He led them-- and, of course, ultimately to Heaven itself, to dwell with Him forever.]

✝️✝️✝️💔💔💔But they NEVER [EVEN] ATTEMPTED to return to Mesopotamia, because they were HOME-SICK for HEAVEN.
[...is this what I'm actually feeling deep inside, with all this sad lonely tired aching yearning, and I'm not recognizing the truth of it?]
[God why do I still feel like I don't know what heaven is enough to truly be homesick for it? What am I missing? Why am I so blind? I'm scared. Help me to see. Please. Help me to stop feeling so homeless.]

SLEPT IN UNTIL 730.


"Feast day" weekend so 1650 calories today

"Personally inviting" Mimic to Bible study


"Holy anorexia" vs "strongwoman of God" inner turmoil.
Which do I truly "want"? I cannot have both.
But they BOTH REQUIRE IMMENSE SELF-DISCIPLINE & SELF-DENIAL & SUFFERING & SACRIFICE.
The only difference is the END they pursue???



Father has SOLEMNLY FORBIDDEN ME FROM TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT
Good now this means I have a DIRECTION to go in
I can be OBEDIENT now and SURRENDER my own stupid will
THANK GOD!!!


Evening =
Finally told mom that six different people told me not to go up the house anymore
Felt like the end of the world
Despair hollowness when I went upstairs
Looked through grandma's old Hawaii photos
Jarring. I never knew this side of her
Aching and quiet crying
Saved a few
Barely made it through the evening

Prayed the new little prayer book I got at church

Early bed



------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/hebrews-6/

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 "We DESIRE [a selfless want, an ardent longing for the good of others] that each one of you [individual responsibility; no "picking up slack"], SHOW [by concrete actions, and especially in public, with no pretense] the same [uniform and dependably constant, not only in all areas of spiritual life– no exceptions, no favoring partiality nor prejudiced neglect– and of the "same heart" as members of the Church] DILIGENCE [careful, attentive, dedicated, consistent effort– particularly in their external works of faith, which were both the expression and fortification of their internal commitment to God's Truth] to the FULL [whole, complete in its purpose, lacking nothing] ASSURANCE [confidence without doubt, given by the Holy Spirit, anchored in Trust in God's Name] of HOPE [in God's Promises by definition, which ARE all essentially fulfilled in Jesus Christ, although their temporal effectation remains "unseen"; but they are absolutely true and guaranteed– and many of them cannot be entirely realized until death/ heaven/ the Last Day, which are all the occasions on which Christ our Hope becomes "SEEN" and therefore makes our hopes REALITY] UNTIL the END [in every moment, never taking a break, never wavering, never giving up, making this their lifework of FAITH]."

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤ The writer to the Hebrews ENCOURAGED like a COACH [WHICH IS A "TITLE" OF CHRIST; that means HE ENCOURAGES US TOO]
...URGING these followers of Jesus that they MUST=
🌟1. KEEP UP THEIR GOOD WORK; [meaning they WERE already doing good WORK (always by the Holy Spirit)– in charitable deeds, works of mercy, and endurance under trials– and they MUST NOT QUIT; the words "KEEP up" imply an ACTIVE "supporting" of their efforts, a "lifting" by GRACE that is required to prevent FALLING]
🌟‼️2. "PRESS ON" [through every difficulty, particularly their doubts and discouragements] WITH that HOPE [that MOTIVATED their good works– the hope of GOD'S KINGDOM, and of SALVATION, of a blessed destiny that transcends this earthly life and yet necessarily involves living this life FOR heaven; we will all die, but death does NOT discard the body forever– the final resurrection brings the PERFECTION of it to believers! So all good works in the material realm MUST be ordered to HOLINESS as the POINT and HEAVEN as the GOAL. This is how they are to "press on"– even if they DO suffer and die here, THAT'S OKAY, because their bodies are MEANT for ANOTHER life, ETERNAL life, for which ALL our sufferings are WORTH enduring WILLINGLY, and which apparently gain us MERIT in virtue by our FAITHFULNESS TO CHRIST. So THAT'S our hope by which we press on. The Cross IS NECESSARY, and it WILL come to us, and we WILL die– IN CHRIST, and thus die to sin, to ourselves, to this world, and even to death itself– but WE WILL RISE AGAIN. So we must CARRY that cross "until the end", and we CAN, because WE HAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT, the PLEDGE of our eternal joy. And therefore our hope DOES NOT DISAPPOINT, as long as we PRESS ON WITH IT! It all depends on OUR CHOICE to HOLD ON TIGHT or LET IT SLIP.]
⭐3. [To do BOTH these things– externally working out their faith and internally pressing on in hope–] UNTIL THE END;
🌟🌟‼️ 3. and IMITATE [very beloved language, especially today. This requires DILIGENCE as well! It means WATCHING someone closely and studiously, really FOLLOWING them, with the INTENTION to NOTICE and LEARN the BEHAVIOR of the person observed– not merely their HABITS, but also their COMPORTMENT and DISPOSITION and LANGUAGE– even to the subtle details, and then actively APPLYING what you have seen and heard by INTEGRATING it into your OWN behavior, and fine-tuning it as you CONTINUE to follow and watch them carefully, AND LEARN MORE AS YOU GROW CLOSER TO THEM. TRUE imitation is NEVER distant or detached; to do so means your practiced likeness is merely SUPERFICIAL, merely a CRAFT. But to IMITATE in a CHRISTIAN way, in TRUTH, is really to SHARE that other person's LIFE, and that REQUIRES a REAL RELATIONSHIP. Whether a parent to a child, a master to an apprentice, a teacher to a student, or a lover to a beloved, to be a "holy mimic" of someone means you are dedicating yourself to KNOW them so well that you "take on their likeness", and honestly, this inevitably REQUIRES LOVE. You cannot imitate in truth unless you are willing to SACRIFICE YOUR EGO, and ALL real sacrifice is a GIFT of SELF, specifically to GOD. THAT'S the key POINT and STANDARD of holy imitation, in the end. You're NOT doing this in an "idolizing" sense of the other. You are ONLY imitating those WHO, IN TURN, ARE IMITATING CHRIST.
SCRIPTURE IS FULL OF THIS PRINCIPLE =
"Be imitators of ME, in so far as I in turn am an imitator of CHRIST."
"in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. Therefore I urge you to imitate me..."
"we wanted to present ourselves as a model for you, so that you might imitate us..."
"For you yourselves know how you OUGHT to imitate us, because we were not undisciplined among you..."
"Join one another in following my example, brothers, and carefully observe those who walk according to the pattern we set for you..."
"you, brothers, became imitators of the churches of God in Judea that are in Christ Jesus..."
"you became imitators of us AND of the Lord when you welcomed the message with the joy of the Holy Spirit, IN SPITE OF YOUR GREAT SUFFERING."
"For to this you were called, because Christ also SUFFERED for you, leaving you an example, that you should FOLLOW in His footsteps..."
"I beg you, brothers and sisters, become like me, because I have become like you..."
"Be imitators of GOD, therefore, as beloved CHILDREN, and WALK IN LOVE, just as Christ loved us and GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR US as a fragrant sacrificial offering to God."
"If anyone wants to come after Me, he must DENY HIMSELF and take up his cross and FOLLOW ME..."
"Whoever claims to ABIDE in Jesus must walk AS JESUS WALKED."
"A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained WILL be LIKE HIS TEACHER."
Etc.!!!!
THIS PRINCIPLE IS AT THE VERY HEART OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A CHRISTIAN = WE ARE TO BECOME "ANOTHER CHRIST" IN THAT WE ARE REMADE IN HIS IMAGE AND LIKENESS!!!!!
In a sense, imitation TRANSFORMS you, and THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT] those who INHERIT (NOT "EARN") [FAMILY LANGUAGE because in Jewish Law, the FIRSTBORN SON is the primary inheritor– that's CHRIST, in Whom WE are "adopted" as REAL sons, and thus SHARE in HIS heirship. On our own, separate from Him, we have NO right to ANYTHING???] God’s PROMISES [which is so interesting to me in terms of "inheritance"; you DON’T make promises to strangers or enemies, but only to people you TRUST, and as usual that requires CLOSE MUTUAL RELATIONSHIP. So to be "eligible" for God's Promises at ALL, we have to be HIS FRIENDS, and that is IMPOSSIBLE for us to do as sinners. THAT'S WHY CHRIST BECAME MAN. He not only makes us God's friends, He makes us into God's SONS. God loves us so much He "cannot help" but bring us as close to Himself as possible. So yeah, it is ABSOLUTELY NOT EARNED, and cannot be– true friendship is NEVER a "reward" and it is NEVER "owed". And "adoption" is entirely out of our hands! Furthermore, in traditional law, SO IS MARRIAGE. The Church is the BRIDE. Christ "proposes" to US. We could even say, in another sense, that God the Father "ARRANGED" this marriage! In any and all cases, the stunning FACT that, as Christians, we HAVE a share in the "inheritance of the Promise" is a PURE, GENEROUS, GRACIOUS GIFT OF LOVE.]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ When WE FAIL to DO this [meaning that it is actually OUR responsibility to BEAR FRUIT FROM the encouragement we receive, and this REQUIRES DEDICATED ACTION. No one can "keep up" our work for us. No one can "press on" for us. No one can "hold hope" for us. No one can "imitate" for us. No one can "inherit" for us. And no one can do anything "until the end" on our behalf because it's OUR "end"! Encouragement STRENGTHENS us, but IT DOESN'T DO THE WORK FOR US. We have to "INCARNATE" the holy exhortations we receive, which call us to a more genuine and faithful Christian life, and IN doing so, fittingly, we become more like CHRIST– because "DOING THE WORK" IS ONLY POSSIBLE BY GRACE!!! I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THAT ENOUGH. We Christians HAVE the power to do good works, but ONLY because we have the power of the HOLY SPIRIT! By ourselves, we can do NOTHING of ANY eternal value!!! We NEED to "REMAIN IN CHRIST" as the TRUE VINE in order to be ABLE to bear ANY FRUIT!!!! So really, our ultimate responsibility as Christians is to ABIDE IN JESUS CHRIST. And THAT is what ALL Christian encouragement MUST be oriented towards. If we remain closely united to Jesus– so tightly connected to Him we become one branch, and drawing our very life from His Life– then everything else will fall into its proper place. The Father sends the rain and the sun, but once the soil of our souls has received the Seed and let Him take full root there, He becomes our everything. The whole purpose of the good soil is to bring forth life, and the Good Seed is Life Himself, Jesus Christ, for Whom we offer everything we are. How beautiful and strange, that our very Creator has chosen to grow within us, and with us, because He wants to bring our life into total union with His. Our souls are fulfilled in Jesus, even as our very existence is transformed from mere dirt to precious fruit, all because of the Word planted within us. But the very first step of ALL of this is being RECEPTIVE and OPEN to that Word, to that Seed, and PLACING Him at the very center of our life, and GIVING ourselves to Him. WE HAVE TO CHOOSE TO FOLLOW HIM, AND ACT ON OUR CHOICE, EVERY DAY. This isn't easy, and in fact "for MEN it is IMPOSSIBLE", but it IS POSSIBLE WITH GOD, by the HOLY SPIRIT, Who really IS the ULTIMATE "ENCOURAGER", because His Presence within us IS OUR HOPE AND STRENGTH!!!!! And so, with Him, we NEVER "have to fail" at doing what HE EXHORTS us to do, ESPECIALLY speaking through SCRIPTURE and through God's CHURCH. Our encouragement comes from GOD HIMSELF, Who in turn EMPOWERS us to WORK and HOPE and BELIEVE and ENDURE UNTIL THE END. And so is is INEVITABLE that if we DON'T let the Holy Spirit work in us– if we DOUBT His Presence and try to do things on our OWN, then we WILL stumble and stagnate. When we neglect Scripture and Prayer and Church community, then we stop hearing God's Voice, and we begin to DRIFT AWAY from Him!! And as we drift away from the Source of Light and Warmth and Power and Life,] DISCOURAGEMENT [sets in like a cold darkness, and] often makes us become SLUGGISH [because we have been enervated by our unbelief and pride!!! We begin to LOSE "LIFE". We lose our "zest" and "wonder" and "joy" and "purpose" for life, we become apathetic and forlorn and defeatist, we fall into despair and spiritual death. THIS ALL HAPPENS BECAUSE WE DIDN'T ACT ON GOD'S WORD. This too is a principle, even a LAW– objects at rest will remain at rest, unless acted upon by a stronger external force. That force is the HOLY SPIRIT. The only problem here is the paradox that God has given us the INSANE power of saying "NO" to letting Him act upon us, even if our refusal is by OMISSION!!!! THAT INSANE REFUSAL IS THE ESSENCE OF SIN. In a sense, sin literally breaks the Law of Reality! BUT all lawbreakers WILL we brought to justice AND the Law WILL be upheld and vindicated– in the end, the GREATEST "force" is GOD'S WILL, and His grace CAN and WILL overcome all sin in the hearts of His faithful ones. But those who CHOOSE to remain "inert" in response to God will be doomed to stay so for eternity. But I digress. Sin drags us into inertia, but God is always more powerful. His grace MOVES us, and all we have to do is say "YES", and let ourselves BE moved. Then we are filled with joy in the Lord, and this shatters all discouragement, because we TRUST God no matter how difficult the path He leads us on may be– after all, imitating Christ REQUIRES such a path! So we have no fear. We are not discouraged and we do not fall away. We are a branch on the Vine and an heir of the Kingdom, and God Himself will keep us safe and bring us home, as long as we trust Him to carry us.]
[A last note = SLUGGISH also means DULL! That's describing m the "HEART UNWILLING TO LISTEN", someone who finds Christianity to be "BORING" or "MADE-UP" "SILLY" or "CHILDISH". Such a heart does NOT have the Holy Spirit, and may have even chased Him out!! So this is a very sobering warning that such a state can RESULT from just NOT DOING what we ARE encouraged TO do when we DO have and hear Him!!]
("The FOES of the King FALL DOWN and LOSE HEART")

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ INSTEAD of GIVING IN to DISCOURAGEMENT [which implies that discouragement is a TEMPTATION, the hateful work of the DEVIL, and therefore a REAL SIN!!!!!], IMITATE those who FOUND THE KEY to gaining God’s promises– FAITH and PATIENCE, as DEMONSTRATED by Abraham.
[Amazingly, HOLY IMITATION is presented as the WEAPON AGAINST DISCOURAGEMENT, because it is what apparently ENABLES us to INTEGRATE those virtues??????

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ We are GRATEFUL to REMEMBER Abraham’s life [VITAL Google notes on the Hebrew word concept of "remember" (zakar) = "While it can mean recalling a past event, it typically signifies bringing someone or something to mind with the EXPLICIT INTENT TO ACT. It is an ACTIVE "BODY" WORD rather than just a "head" activity– it is DOING, not just FEELING. To zakar means to employ your hands, feet, and voice to DO whatever that remembrance REQUIRES"!!!! So when Scripture exhorts us to "remember" Abraham’s life, we are actually being exhorted to IMITATE his life as the EXPRESSION of that remembrance! Our diligence in LEARNING– in reading & studying and reflecting and recalling and knowing– what Scripture and Tradition tell us of the lives of the saints, the "heroes of the faith," is NOT a mere educational effort or mental exercise! This learning is ALWAYS MEANT to EQUIP us to REMEMBER, and then to ACT ACCORDINGLY!!!!]
[This is actually very thought provoking when you consider that we are ONLY called to imitate those who imitate CHRIST, and yet that applies to the OLD TESTAMENT SAINTS just as truly. To be able to DISCERN this Christlikeness in those Who were awaiting Him is a very edifying spiritual exercise, and will help us all the more to KNOW Christ in "all His richness" and so to RECOGNIZE and imitate HIM more fully, distinguishing His likeness in the many different humans He is reflected by.
Furthermore, even in application to the New Testament saints, THEY ARE ALL DEAD. So we CANNOT "see" or "hear" any of the people in Scripture to imitate them– EXCEPT IN OUR MINDS, AS WE READ SCRIPTURE. And we can ONLY "follow" them if we REMEMBER what it is we HAVE "seen and heard" so as to DO LIKEWISE. Basically, OUR IMAGINATION IS A POWERFUL GIFT FROM GOD THAT ENABLES US TO "MAKE THE PAST PRESENT" IN OUR OWN LIVES???? It is a way of "LIVING IN ETERNITY," where those dead saints STILL LIVE, IN CHRIST– WHO ALSO LIVES IN US. So in a mysterious way, WHEN we "remember their lives" in order to "imitate them as they imitated Christ," surely we are spiritually connected to them in heaven, ALL of us alive right now, through the same Spirit and Lord. Consider this, and realize what a holy work & privilege & responsibility we have been granted, as we are exhorted TO "remember" THEIR lives BY OUR LIVES, UNITED IN & BY CHRIST, AS ONE CHURCH and ONE BODY ACROSS TIME AND SPACE, even into HEAVEN ITSELF.]
🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤❤ ...AND [in humility, we are GRATEFUL] to SEE [with the eyes of our mind and heart opened by God's Word] that Abraham did NOT have a PERFECT faith or a PERFECT patience. [This gratitude is NOT a boasting of arrogance, as if we were "glad that he had stumbled"– such a false "gratitude" is straight from hell. No, we are NOT greater than Abraham. But this is the very ground OF our gratitude, because it means in a sense we are NOT LESS than Abraham either??? Even] Abraham had some of OUR WEAKNESS [because he was just as human, and therefore just as much a sinner, as we are. But this sad truth of mortal weakness, even in this great patriarch, is no reason to despair, because even IN his weakness, GOD made him great! Abraham’s holiness was a GIFT OF GRACE. And therefore, WE TOO HAVE HOPE, because if Abraham was just as much a sinful man as we are,] then WE CAN have some of HIS FAITH and PATIENCE [through the SAME GOD Who blessed HIM with those virtues. Remember, Abraham believed in God LONG BEFORE God personally spoke to Him and by His Promises, began the "preparation phase for the Messiah" in His Plan of Salvation. Abraham had been faithful to the One True God, to the religion of Adam and Seth and Shem, even when he lived among the Gentiles, and had no nation or country of his own. THAT was where it started, and it was WHY he was capable of being so patient– his heart had ALREADY been prepared by grace TO TRUST IN GOD. Those virtues of trust and faith and patience were TESTED and thus PROVED as Abraham entered into the covenant with God, but they were NOT "PERFECT", because NO man CAN be perfect in virtue in this life– ESPECIALLY not in the past, BEFORE CHRIST HAD COME. But I'm rambling somewhat. The point is, even centuries before Christ entered Israel's history in Person, He did not leave us helpless. He had been promised IN EDEN, and from that point on, ANYONE and EVERYONE who TRUSTED in the Promise as being TRUE, not only helped "make restitution" for Adam's sin, but also BY that trust demonstrated FAITH, and then necessarily LIVED that faith and trust in PATIENT EXPECTATION. I cannot claim to know how it works. But somehow, from the very beginning of man's history, even immediately after the Fall itself, GOD WAS GIVING HUMANKIND THE GRACE to HAVE FAITH and BE PATIENT, THROUGH CHRIST JESUS!!!!!! Jesus IS God's Word, and God's Word to Man was His PROMISE... OF THE MESSIAH. So in a sense the Promise WAS Christ, both because it spoke OF Him and because Christ IS the "speaking," because Christ IS God's "ONE WORD"!!!! This is why ALL OF SCRIPTURE IS ABOUT JESUS, FROM GENESIS TO REVELATION. Jesus Christ was ALWAYS the Alpha and Omega, the Reason and the Goal for all human existence... and the ONLY way for ANY soul to be saved. Therefore, because of God's incomprehensible mercy, Christ HAD to be "Present" in ALL ages, so that people COULD be saved through faith in HIM– hence, the PROMISE. And so, even Adam and Eve HAD FAITH IN CHRIST, and PATIENTLY WAITED FOR HIM, because they had PATIENT FAITH in GOD'S PROMISE. And although was "imperfect" faith, it was REAL, and it was SALVIFIC. So too with Abraham, and Moses, and David... and so too with US, "for THOUGH YOU HAVE NOT SEEN HIM, YOU LOVE HIM. And THOUGH YOU DO NOT SEE HIM NOW, EVEN NOW YOU BELIEVE IN HIM AND TRUST HIM. And IN BELIEVING, you shall REJOICE, with an INEXPRESSIBLE and GLORIOUS JOY"... "Him you LOVE, though your eyes have NEVER looked on Him. In Him, though at present you CANNOT see Him, you nevertheless TRUST, and TRIUMPH with a JOY which is unspeakable and is CROWNED WITH GLORY".
THIS IS WHY WE ARE GRATEFUL. Abraham’s faith and patience were FROM CHRIST, Who he had never seen with his eyes– and yet Abraham TRUSTED God and BELIEVED in Christ and LOVED Christ, and in his heart he "saw Christ's day" and REJOICED! AND WE TOO CAN DO EXACTLY THIS, as WE believe and trust and love Christ THROUGH SCRIPTURE– which is the RECORD AND HISTORY AND TRAJECTORY OF THE PROMISE, TESTIFYING TO ITS FULFILLMENT IN JESUS CHRIST, and so it is HE Who we can now REMEMBER, in the PATIENT FAITH of ALL His imperfect yet trusting children, WITH THE DEEPEST GRATITUDE.]

🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ "Do not BECOME sluggish": [remember the antidote is to instead "BECOME" LIKE CHRIST, BY IMITATING HIS FAITHFUL ONES!!! This carries with it a DISTURBING implication– if we're NOT ACTIVELY REMEMBERING them so as to BECOME FAITHFUL like them, and thus ENCOURAGED... then WHAT ARE we "remembering", if our hearts become DULL and lose patience? Then WHO are we "imitating", if we begin to DRIFT AWAY and lose trust? Surely not any of the Saints, and definitely not Christ Himself! BE WARNED.]
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️💔💔💔💔💔💔...we SHOULD NOT LET DISCOURAGEMENT MAKE US SLUGGISH, [by giving it a FATAL "PERMISSION" TO DO SO– our WILL is ALWAYS involved in this, however subtly. One one hand this is a great encouragement in itself– we are NEVER "OBLIGATED" TO BE DISCOURAGED, AND WE CANNOT BE "FORCED" TO BECOME SLUGGISH. This means WE CAN ALWAYS SAY NO; we can ALWAYS FIGHT THE TEMPTATION. The scary part is the other hand: our wills are weak and wear out under prolonged pressure. Like these poor Jewish Christians, after possibly years of persecution, the fact that the struggle would not stop but was even getting worse was grinding their wills into the bloody ground. At that point, simply by exhaustion, they WERE "letting" discouragement in, because they were TOO TIRED TO RESIST. They weren't saying "yes," but they weren't saying "no" either, and sin ALWAYS takes advantage of "neutrality"– "Anyone who is not WITH Me is AGAINST Me." And if we AREN'T "with Christ", by LOVE and TRUST and PATIENCE– and if we're NOT bearing the FRUIT of those virtues by remembering and praying and imitating and hoping and doing good works– then we WILL end up FALLING into the dark power of those who ARE against Him outright... and the enemy's FIRST work against God is ALWAYS to cause DISTRUST in His Word. This is the root of ALL discouragement, because a lack of trust in God– which is UNBELIEF– DESTROYS the FOUNDATION of ALL HOPE,] leading to the sense that we "MAY AS WELL GIVE UP". [And go on to WHAT, though? Give up for what PURPOSE, though? You see how the devil's thoughts ONLY lead to NOTHINGNESS. To "give up" on Christ is to DESPAIR of LIFE ITSELF.] First we LOSE the DESIRE to PRESS  on; then we LOSE the DESIRE to GO on.
[THIS SHOWS THAT UNBELIEF ENDS IN SPIRITUAL SUICIDE. THUS, THE SEEMINGLY "MINOR" SIN OF DISCOURAGEMENT– WHICH MANY DON'T EVEN CONSIDER A SIN – IS ACTUALLY THE DEVIL'S SECRET WEAPON TO MURDER SOULS.]

LILIES & PRECIOUS BLOOD what a beautiful mass

Watching more of The Chosen Adventures on the bike.
Sheep amuses me so much. I've laughed out loud several times at his remarks

OCD hell continues but not as bad as yesterday THANK GOD.

VOTD translation had Mimic say "wait, what??" in total amazement
Honestly it hit me hard too; I don't think often or hard enough about the absolutely life-changing implications of being a Christian; the absolute astonishing fact of it is too often not fully grasped or understood

John 5:24 AMP + AMPC
“I assure you, and most solemnly I tell you,
1. the person whose EARS ARE OPEN to My words [receptive, welcome, attentive, interested, candid, without bias or prejudice; with the humility and respect of a student]
2. and therefore HEARS My word [ACTIVELY, with his heart and soul, letting Christ's Words "take root" in his thoughts and focusing on them to ponder & cherish & integrate them, so that they can bloom through his actions]
3. (i.e. the one who LISTENS TO and HEEDS My message) [mindfully noticing & concentrating his thoughts on the message given, rightly accepting it as TRUTH and attending to it as such with great reverence; observing it as teaching to be LIVED BY, not mere "data" or "good ideas"]
4. and who BELIEVES and TRUSTS IN and CLINGS TO and RELIES ON Him (the LORD)...
5. ...Who SENT Me, [and who consciously acknowledges that the God of Israel DID send Jesus]
6. [that person] HAS (POSSESSES NOW) ETERNAL LIFE (that is, eternal life ACTUALLY BEGINS—the believer IS TRANSFORMED),
7. and does NOT come into judgment and condemnation (does NOT incur SENTENCE of judgment, will NOT come under condemnation),
8. but HAS ALREADY passed (over out of &) from death into LIFE.

WE ACTUALLY POSSESS ETERNAL LIFE, RIGHT NOW????
OUR ETERNAL LIFE HAS LITERALLY AND ALREADY BEGUN????
WHY DID NO ONE TEACH THIS TO US CHRISTIAN KIDS IN SCHOOL????


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https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/mhm/hebrews-8.html

🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ Now this [earthly] tabernacle Christ never entered into [because He was not of the tribe of Levi and so He had no "authority" to act as a priest according to the Old Law], but [He DID NOT NEED TO enter it or minister there, because BOTH the old priesthood AND its associated tabernacle were only TYPES, which He came to FULFILL. Therefore], having FINISHED the work of satisfaction in the TRUE tabernacle of HIS OWN BODY, He is NOW a "minister of the sanctuary" [for by OFFERING Himself as SACRIFICE, He "CONSECRATED Himself" as HIGH PRIEST, and He did so IN His Own Body AS the LITERAL Tabernacle where "God meets man"; NO ONE ELSE can EVER "minister in this sanctuary" because He is the ONLY High Priest of it];
❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓...of the [true] holy of holies [His Incarnation is "a marriage of mankind with God"], the true tabernacle IN HEAVEN [which no earthly priest ever entered and never could, a reversal of Christ's situation on earth– and yet, when believers are baptized INTO Christ, we DO "minister in this Tabernacle"?????? Because we are PART OF His Body, and spiritually share in His priesthood, and so offer OUR lives & bodies as "living sacrifices" in UNION with His?????]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤❤❤❤...Christ, AS THE ANTITYPE, had HIMSELF to offer, his HUMAN NATURE upon the ALTAR of his DIVINE NATURE,
⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ 1. as the great ATONING SACRIFICE that "FINISHED transgression" and "MADE AN END OF SIN" once for all (Daniel 9:24);
[STUDY THE MEANING OF THIS BETTER.]
[The Hebrew in that verse is roughly to "restrict/ restrain/ shut up" "revolt/ rebellion", which makes a LOT more sense; by His Sacrifice that removes original sin, Christ DOES "restrict rebellion," because we no longer have that root in our nature, but the grace that "encourages obedience" in contrast!]
[The word for "Put an end" is "seal up"??? Which is the SAME WORD used later in the verse to refer to "vision and prophecy"! So this MIGHT actually be saying, He "sealed up sin OFFERINGS," meaning that He FINALLY & PERFECTLY FULFILLED ALL THREE.]
2. and he also has the INCENSE of his OWN RIGHTEOUSNESS and MERITS to offer,
[AND HIS PRAYERS FOR US, which are ALWAYS heard BECAUSE of this]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❓❓❓ 3. along with ALL that HIS PEOPLE offer up to God BY HIM, to RENDER THEM [REALLY] ACCEPTABLE.
[We offer SPIRITUAL SACRIFICES and PRAYERS and THANKSGIVING (works of charity?) and also PARTICIPATING IN THE HOLY MASS???? But ALL of it MUST be done IN CHRIST AND FOR CHRIST or it is DEVOID OF "MERIT"; nothing for self's sake has any virtue, nor are we virtuous without grace; CHRIST MUST BE OUR EVERYTHING]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️❤❤❤ We MUST NOT DARE to approach to God, or to present ANYTHING to Him, but only IN AND THROUGH CHRIST, DEPENDING upon HIS MERITS AND MEDIATION; for if we ARE accepted, it is IN THE BELOVED.
[THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT HE WANTS US TO DO THIS AND ENABLES US TO AND IS FAITHFUL TO ACCEPT US IN CHRIST AS A RESULT. God doesn't set up these rules cruelly. They are ALL WISDOM & MERCY & LOVE. Without this gracious set-up, we would have NO hope!]

[CHRIST STILL ACTS AS A PRIEST ON EARTH THROUGH HIS CHURCH. DO NOT FORGET OR OVERLOOK THIS KEY TRUTH.
The types & shadows of the old law ARE FULFILLED; the Church DOES NOT "REINSTATE" THEM, nor "create new ones". We do NOT "offer any sacrifice" but ONLY RE-PRESENT the ETERNAL SACRIFICE OF CHRIST in linear time & space, and this ONLY BY HIS OWN ORDER & POWER, AND BY HIS OWN PERSON. Christ offers Himself in heaven NOW and He manifests that on earth NOW for our sake & salvation. The Mass is NOT a "type" but a REALITY. We DO use symbols & signs, but they are IMBUED WITH TRUTH??? Every one of them gains its meaning FROM THE REALITY OF CHRIST ALREADY COME. They reflect Heaven, for the sake of bringing us closer to it through the recognition of love, not as "shadows" but as LIGHTS. I can't speak more about this now; I still don't know enough about the Mass. But I want & need to, and I will & must.]

🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ The Old Covenant was "NOT FOUND FAULTLESS"; it was a dispensation of darkness and dread, tending to bondage, and only a "schoolmaster' to bring us to CHRIST. It WAS "PERFECT" in its KIND, and WAS FITTED to answer its END, but in comparison of the Gospel it was very "imperfect".
[Its "fault" was not moral! It wasn't "defective" or "wrong" either. But it WAS "imperfect" in the big picture; it was NOT meant to be "complete" in itself. It was "LACKING" the fullness of CHRIST.]
⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ IT WAS NOT SURE OR STEADFAST; for the Jews CONTINUED NOT in that covenant, and the Lord regarded them not. They dealt UNGRATEFULLY with their GOD, and CRUELLY with THEMSELVES [despite being under the Covenant and the Law], and [justly] fell under God's displeasure. God WILL REGARD those who REMAIN in his covenant, but WILL REJECT those who CAST AWAY his yoke from them. [Implying that FREE WILL STILL HAS FULL AGENCY & PROPER CONSEQUENCE, EVEN UNDER COVENANT LAW (WE ARE NEVER "AUTOMATICALLY FORCED" TO DO ANYTHING). The problem was that our free will is damaged & weakened by original sin, and the old Covenant DIDN'T give the Jews the ABILITY to OVERCOME this. THEY COULDN'T BE STEADFAST BY LAW ALONE. The old covenant gave them NO "surety" of success under it. The Jews COULD break it & even disregard it, and they DID.]
⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️It is DECAYED, GROWN OLD, and VANISHETH AWAY. It is ANTIQUATED, CANCELED, OUT OF DATE, of NO MORE USE in gospel times than candles are when the sun has risen. Some think the covenant of peculiarity did not quite decay till the destruction of Jerusalem, though it was forfeited at the death of Christ, and was "made old", and was now to vanish and PERISH, and the Levitical priesthood vanished with it.
[I just realized how ALL those descriptive terms have to do with DEATH. That's scarily apt. ONLY CHRIST GIVES US LIFE, because ONLY CHRIST REMOVES OUR SIN NATURE. All that is NOT in Him MUST die, because sin inevitably kills both body and soul. But "He that believes in Me, even if He dies, shall live"– even though the body still dies, the believing soul "possesses eternal life". But the Levitical priests could NOT do this, for they HAD NO LIFE IN THEMSELVES TO GIVE, and the animal sacrifices did not either– their blood was just as mortal as men, and LESS sacred! So that priesthood HAD to "vanish" now, FOR THE GOOD OF MAN, because it COULDN'T do what God NEEDED a priest to do, and was never MEANT to, because it only LED THE WAY TO CHRIST! So now that Christ has come and HAS given us life by DEFEATING and TRANSFORMING death, the "death" that had haunted the old system was ALSO "changed" and it COULD now "lay it to rest" in PEACE, through FAITH in the One Who had come, for Whom it had long awaited. The old priesthood and old sacrificial system COULD DIE IN HIM, TOO, and accomplish their TRUE purpose & fulfillment IN so dying FOR Him.]

Now observe what is here said of the NEW-TESTAMENT DISPENSATION OF THE COVENANT OF GRACE, to prove the superior excellency of Christ's ministry.
It is a "BETTER" covenant=
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 1. a more CLEAR [no types & shadows, presented openly & plainly for even little children to grasp & receive] and COMFORTABLE [offering real, reliable consolation & encouragement, even sympathy & compassion] dispensation and DISCOVERY [previously hidden & unknown & unimaginable] of the GRACE of God to SINNERS [even the most undeserving & wretched & lost & allegedly hopeless], BRINGING IN [as a gift, and as the cause & source; this was not something to be found in this world] HOLY [heavenly & divine, of the Holy Spirit; unattainable by and separate from any & all earthly powers] LIGHT [of understanding, wisdom, counsel, and revelation] and LIBERTY [FROM SIN, and thus from fear & guilt & shame & bondage– as well as FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS now that the fetters and weights are removed] to the SOUL [not merely the body, as the old dispensation did].
2. It is WITHOUT FAULT, WELL ORDERED in ALL things.
[No shortcomings, no oversights, no disorder, no failure to accomplish its ends, no impotence, nothing left undone or unprovided for]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️❤❤❤❤❤ 3. It ONLY REQUIRES what it PROMISES GRACE TO PERFORM.
[God only asks OF us what He enables IN us. He is perfectly fair & just in this; His requirements are NEVER cruel or arbitrary. He also ONLY asks of us what He would ask of His SON– and even though this includes the Cross, His Son is Who DOES these things THROUGH us, AS HIS BODY. So we have nothing to fear, but only to rejoice, that God calls us TO serve Him and empowers us TO do so and does so IN JESUS. This is an amazing privilege & honor & dignity & grace & gift!!!]
❓❓❓❓❓❓4. It ACCEPTS of GODLY SINCERITY, accounting it GOSPEL PERFECTION.
[SCRUPULOSITY AND LEGALISM HAVE NO PLACE IN THE GOSPEL. Spiritual pride is properly nailed to the Cross. As long as we LOVE GOD WITH OUR WHOLE HEART and ONLY INTEND TO OBEY & WORSHIP HIM, and NEVER TO OFFEND HIM, then our CHILDLIKE PIETY, IN THE HOLY SPIRIT, IS PLEASING TO HIM??? And in any case, it is offered to Him THROUGH CHRIST, Who PURIFIES it on our behalf???]
‼️‼️‼️‼️❓❓❓❓5. EVERY TRANSGRESSION does NOT turn us out of covenant; ALL is put into [Christ our Mediator's] Good and Safe Hand.
[Repentance is still essential, but even more essential is CHRIST'S INTERCESSION. Our sins still break the covenant. Our ONLY HOPE is CHRIST'S BLOOD forever offered for us, to renew & restore us to life, whenever we DO repent & run to Him in great need of His forgiveness & healing grace.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ It is a NEW covenant, even that new covenant that God long ago DECLARED he WOULD make "with the house of Israel", that is, with ALL THE "ISRAEL OF GOD"; this was promised in Jeremiah 31 and ACCOMPLISHED IN CHRIST.
[NOTE THIS IN COMPARISON TO THAT ONE COMMENTATOR WHO EXCLUSIVELY APPLIED THIS TO GENETIC ISRAEL, which cannot be true because from the VERY BEGINNING the Gentiles were PROPHESIED to become PART OF ISRAEL, to become "CHILDREN OF ABRAHAM," UNITED AND DWELLING TOGETHER IN JERUSALEM, which is ONLY TRULY FULFILLED IN THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 [God promises that, in "writing His Law in their hearts,"] the whole HABIT ["behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary"; dominant or regular disposition or tendency; prevailing character or quality; characteristic condition; customary practice], and FRAME [form, constitution, order] of their SOULS shall be a TABLE [list, record, "tablet"] and TRANSCRIPT ["exact reproduction or written copy"] of the law of God.
[MEDITATE ON THESE PROMISE POINTS AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, DAILY EVEN.]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤❤❤ THIS is the FOUNDATION of the covenant; and, when this is laid, [BY GOD, through GRACE, IN CHRIST, the believer's] DUTY [towards God, of obedience & justice AND love & gratitude] will be done WISELY, SINCERELY, READILY, EASILY, RESOLUTELY, CONSTANTLY, and COMFORTABLY.

They "shall be to him a PEOPLE,"
1. to LOVE, HONOUR, OBSERVE, and OBEY him in ALL THINGS;
2. COMPLYING WITH his CAUTIONS, [without hesitation or investigation or interrogation]
3. CONFORMING TO his COMMANDS, [not just mechanically obeying, but being inwardly transformed by the obedience to "become similar in character"]
4. COMPORTING ("to be in agreement or harmony") with his PROVIDENCES, [not complaining, questioning, resisting, or grumbling; actively and happily shaping our lives & decisions by God's daily "give and take"]
5. COPYING OUT his EXAMPLE, [which necessitates WATCHING CLOSELY, and PRACTICED IMITATION, with NO SELF-INTEREST]
6. taking COMPLACENCY ("a feeling of quiet pleasure or security") (OR "friendly civility; inclination to please; complaisance") in his FAVOUR. [resting in His grace & love, safe in His care, dependent on His merits and free from striving & legalism] [OR being enabled BY His favor (grace) TO a consistent holy predilection to "please God" in all things, as a sweetly loving child for their beloved Father]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️❓❓❓❓ This PARDONING MERCY is CONNECTED with ALL OTHER SPIRITUAL MERCIES. UNPARDONED sin PREVENTS mercy, and pulls down JUDGMENTS [because ALL SIN is a "capital offense" against God, meriting the death penalty??? and when there is no pardon issued, God's Justice MUST be satisfied???]; but the PARDON of sin PREVENTS judgment, and OPENS a WIDE DOOR to ALL SPIRITUAL BLESSINGS. [because the ONLY THING standing in the way of God's generous love WAS OUR SIN???? And when it is REMOVED, it is effectively INEVITABLE that God's Love will FINALLY OVERFLOW ONTO US AS IT WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO?????]

 


SNOWSTORM ❄💙🤍❄💙🤍❄💙🤍
AT LAST!!! We haven't had this much snow in YEARS I think.
Absolutely gorgeous blessing. I'm so glad I survived to see this.

Mungo Mass

MIMIC joined me & Chaos 0 on the couch
Celebi did too

SO TIRED THOUGH.

90m biking, felt wonderful
Discovering new Christian music

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Pickup from last night

https://biblehub.com/2_corinthians/5-7.htm 


⭐⭐⭐‼️ Faith is contrasted with sight, suggesting that the Christian life [as a whole] is not based on [or preoccupied with] what is visible or tangible.
[This goes DEEP. It means that, even IN "visible" and "tangible" affairs like money, housing, possessions, credentials, physical health, etc., the Christian is STILL focused on the "invisible" things that lie beneath and beyond it all– virtue, purpose, God's Providence. We see EVERYTHING through the lens of FAITH, meaning that we see our time in this world ONLY as a journey to ETERNITY. That perspective is FIXED on the "unseen" even IN the "seen," and with such an outlook and mission, we are able to live IN the world yet not OF the world." We manage our property as stewards of God's gifts & graces, for His worship and service of others; we do not hoard or covet or steal or luxuriate. We manage our relationships and connections the same way: not as business deals or strategic ties, but as real bonds with real people, children of our heavenly Father, with souls of infinite merit; and so we seek their good and their salvation in all our interactions, even if those only occur in brief business contexts; we are still kind & courteous, patient & honest, genuine & good. We see them as precious individuals, we listen to them with real interest, we pray for them after the event. When we get our pay, we tithe first; we donate to charity out of sincere compassion and not mere compulsion; we do not waste money on trivial things. When we eat, we always pray grace, we thank God for His generosity and we do not waste or overindulge. We also regularly share our food with the hungry, even if it means going with less ourselves. The same goes with clothing and home goods and toys and all the rest of our possessions– we buy only what we need, without being greedy or pretentious or proud, we carry ourselves humbly, we always "seek the lowest place"; we regularly downsize and donate to the poor. And, in ALL our daily decisions– payments, clothes, food, hobbies, etc.– our FIRST & CENTRAL motive and intention is: "How can I worship God in/ with this? How can I serve Him and serve others in this situation or with these means? How can I unite this with God's will, and even make it a prayer?" Etc. THIS is "living by faith" in ALL things. We KEEP OUR HEARTS & MINDS FIXED ON GOD, on our RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, and THIS is what FIXES OUR EYES & FEET ON THE NARROW WAY. Faith isn't merely about "religion" or "spiritual belief." Faith is, at its very core, TRUST IN GOD. Therefore, to "walk by faith" is to LIVE EACH MOMENT IN GOD'S PRESENCE, ALWAYS AWARE OF HIM, ALWAYS WORSHIPPING HIM. We "offer our lives as living sacrifices"– this is ACTIVE, HANDS-ON, INTENTIONAL, CONSCIOUS WORK! And it is ENTIRELY WORTH EVERY EFFORT to "stand at the altar of our souls" at ALL TIMES, because then we are ALWAYS GLORIFYING GOD, and we are ALWAYS WITH HIM. "One thing I have asked of the LORD, only this do I desire & seek after: to dwell in the House of the LORD all the days of my life; to gaze upon & contemplate the beauty of the LORD, and to seek Him & meditate upon Him in His Temple." THAT IS THE CORE OF THE CHRISTIAN LIFE. THAT IS THE CONSTANT POSTURE OF A FAITHFUL HEART. It's ADORATION!! We PURSUE holiness and RUN towards heaven, in ALL we do, BECAUSE WE LOVE GOD.]

⭐‼️‼️In the cultural context of the Corinthian church, which was heavily influenced by Greek philosophy and a focus on empirical evidence, this statement would have been COUNTERCULTURAL. The emphasis on faith over sight is a call to trust in God's promises [especially when the world insists they are impossible or foolish] and to trust God's unseen work in the world [because He IS at work, FOR our salvation, at ALL times; He has NOT abandoned us and He IS in total control, no matter what is happening. The secular world denies ALL of these truths].


⭐⭐⭐‼️Saint Paul often faced challenges and persecutions [in his Gospel mission] that required him to rely on FAITH rather than visible success or comfort.
[His FAITH was that God WAS still with Him, protecting & guiding Him, despite all pain & crisis; and that God's Spirit WAS working, and the Gospel WAS spreading in earnest, even when Paul met immediate rejection or saw no visible growth after some time. Paul had to BE FAITHFUL TO GODS FAITHFULNESS, really– he doggedly persisted in his holy calling, despite all odds & obstacles, NOT by his own strength or willpower or pride, but ONLY because his heart & mind & soul were ENTIRELY ANCHORED TO GOD. He was able to look PAST & BEYOND immediate circumstances, because his sight was FIXED on the "eternal rewards" of heaven, for himself AND others, and on his "heavenly calling," which his faith empowered him TO pursue without fail. This is ALL GRACE, and THAT is what he relied on– he KNEW that Christ HAD called him to this mission, and that Christ's Words are LIVING & EFFECTIVE, and they NEVER FAIL TO ACCOMPLISH HIS WILL. In this faith, Paul persevered through all things– even when he felt & looked like a total failure; even when beaten & jailed & starving & sleepless– because he wasn't seeing those temporal appearances as the truth of the matter. He was walking by, and looking to, unseen yet eternal realities, the first & foremost of which was God's absolute trustworthiness & omnipotence. Since God had sent him, with God's purpose to accomplish, it was GOD Who would do the accomplishing THROUGH his servant Paul, because Paul remained faithful. This meant his ego was never in the way, and his own will never protested, and his own weakness was never an actual obstacle, and his own doubts & fears never hindered God's power. Paul RELIED ENTIRELY on God using him as His instrument. Paul SURRENDERED EVERYTHING to God's greater & perfect plan, to God's complete & clear vision. Paul knew, by faith, that he himself didn't have to see or feel or understand God's purposes & work for them to be true & real, because if God had SAID it was, then it WAS. And God had called him, and God had given him the Gospel, and God had declared His intentions, and God had sent him. Paul knew that faith in God, not in himself, was his only lifeline, his only guarantee of success, his only hope and consolation and strength and joy... he trusted that faith was all he needed, because he trusted in God. God would provide. God would protect. God would lead and correct and guide and inspire. God would meet all His needs, no exceptions. That's Who God was; it's Who God always is. God IS Love, and Truth, and Reality, and He knows all things, and He can do all things, and He is unstoppable, and He is faithful, and He is good, and He is our Savior. Where else could we ever put our trust? Why would we even want to put it anywhere else? We have a Heavenly Father Who loves us, and Whose purposes cannot fail. Faith is simply embracing that blissful truth with humble gratitude, and living by it.]
[DON'T EVER FORGET PAUL'S DEFINING STATEMENT ON THIS MATTER =]
("I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I that live, but Christ that lives in me; and the life which I now live in the body I live THROUGH faith IN THE SON OF GOD, Who loved me and gave Himself up to death on my behalf.")
"I am crucified with Christ [that is, in Him, I have shared His crucifixion]; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body I live BY faith [by adhering to, relying on, and completely trusting] in the Son of God, who loved me and delivered Himself up for me.")
("I have been nailed to the cross with Christ. Nevertheless, I live; yet now, it is not I, but truly Christ, who lives in me. And though I live now in the flesh, I live IN the faith OF the Son of God, Who did love me and Who did give Himself for me.")
[DEEP STUDY THIS VERSE LATER TOO]

⭐⭐⭐‼️This reliance on the unseen is a hallmark of the Christian hope, looking forward to the eternal and not just the temporal.
[We can look forward to temporal blessings, such as deliverance & healing, BUT we must ONLY do so IN the light OF eternity! The "unseen" must STILL be our true desire, main focus, & first priority. This means that we DON'T even rely on "temporary" blessings, such as health & prosperity. They aren't the point! SALVATION is! And if God deems it fit to give us sickness & poverty as the MEANS of our sanctification, then all praise be to God even then; may His Will be done, and may we grow IN our reliance on HIS Providence THROUGH these temporal hardships– remember the "weight of glory" that they produce, THROUGH faith, which blooms best IN such deep dark soil! Therefore we RELY on what cannot be seen–on God's Wisdom & Power, on God's Grace & Strength, on God's Presence & Plan. And that's ALL WE'LL EVER NEED. We can literally REST in such faith, because GOD IS FAITHFUL, and this life is quickly over, and then what does suffering matter? What does any temporal thing matter, if it wasn't used to serve eternal purposes? What good was any earthly thing, if it wasn't re-oriented towards heaven? What good was any visible thing, if it wasn't utilized as a reflection of an invisible reality? You get the idea. When we die, nothing seen or tangible is coming with us. Only our soul will stand at the Gates, and before the Judge. Are you living your bodily life with that in mind? Are you looking forward to THAT, the ONLY true goal & end of EVERY human existence? What you rely on to live now, reveals what sort of death you will die. You will either be strong in soul by reliance on God, having lived in preparation for eternity; or you will be weak in soul by reliance on self, having lived only for this passing world. Choose today, what you will ultimately believe in. You Cannot trust God if you won't stop trusting in self. You Cannot surrender to the LORD if you insist on being your own master. You Cannot know truth if you deny the existence of what you cannot see or touch for yourself. You Cannot have hope if you do not have God. You cannot have God without faith. It all starts there. Take that leap of grace today, right now. You must begin to let go of your own tight grip on life, so your Father can take over, in limitless wisdom & power. Make that choice to trust Him, as feeble as it may be. If you offer Him your sincere will, God will do the rest.]

⭐‼️ Faith is not merely belief [in God and His Words] without [worldly] evidence [i.e. if "all we have" as "evidence" is Scripture and grace, which the world deems "insufficient" or even (blasphemously) "meaningless"], but it is a trust in [not merely the reality of God, but in His Person, and therefore in the unfailing  goodness of] God and [all] His promises, even when we cannot see the outcome [we STILL KNOW that the outcome WILL be accomplished, on GOD'S time, and EXACTLY as God said, and that it WILL be for His glory & good purposes of salvation, even if we cannot see THAT outcome with our limited eyes & minds either– that's WHY we cling to the power of FAITH; which is the GUARANTEE of those truths because GOD is true, no matter how our sin-scarred sight frequently fails to perceive this. That's why we don't walk by it]. 


⭐⭐‼️ Paul has just spoken of our "earthly tent" [our physical & temporary body on earth, subject to decay & death, inevitably] being destroyed, and our longing [as Christians, freed from original sin, and having God's Spirit within us] for "the heavenly dwelling" [our glorified & eternal body in heaven, a completely unprecedented and previously unknown truth, revealed in hope by Christ's resurrection, Who has given us, IN HIM, the solid ground of faith in such an end being our destiny].

The conjunction "for" grounds this earlier assurance [in the current verse]: because eternal realities are certain, our present manner of life is shaped accordingly. [Hence the longing! And we have to LIVE from, and in, that longing!]

When Paul says, “For we walk…,” he signals that what follows explains why believers can face affliction with confidence.
⭐ “Walk” is a Hebrew-style idiom for daily conduct. It pictures a continuous journey, not a single step.
[Faith MUST be renewed & reaffirmed daily, enacted consciously & applied particularly; it is not self-generated, nor is it automatic.]
⭐⭐‼️This walk involves choices, habits, and attitudes that line up with God’s revealed will.
[THIS IS WHY KNOWING AND UNDERSTANDING SCRIPTURE IS VITALLY NON-NEGOTIABLE. We cannot apply & act on that Holy Will unless we LEARN it FROM GOD; there is NO GUESSWORK OR ESTIMATION ALLOWED HERE.]

Paul includes himself—“we”—embracing every follower of Christ. The Christian life is [inherently, essentially] communal as well as personal.
[OUR INDIVIDUAL FAITH WALK AFFECTS THE WHOLE CHURCH]

Faith is trust in God’s character and promises, anchored in the finished work of Christ [the PROOF of God's Character & FULFILLMENT of His Promises].

Faith relies on what God has said rather than what circumstances suggest.
[Circumstances can be entirely misinterpreted by our limited human minds, and frequently are. But God's Word is SURE and CLEAR. So even when what we see appears to contradict what God has said, we KNOW that it DOESN'T, because God CANNOT be untrue. Our faith is an anchor amidst all confusion.]

🌟🌟🌟 Living by faith means:
• Accepting God’s Word as [ineffable, unerring, perpetual] truth in every situation.
• Acting in obedience [to that Word] even when outcomes are unseen [or when we don't "see" its immediate relevance, application, or wisdom].
• Drawing [moral, spiritual, mental] strength from the Spirit [in His ways and by His means], not self-effort [or self-will]. [Remember that He MIGHT NOT give you physical strength, even when you think you need it– His priority is your soul. Internal strength to CHOOSE God's Will regardless of what you may suffer for it is MUCH more important than having bodily ability to do only what parts of His Plan still subtly serve to honor you. If the Spirit leaves you weak outside, trust that He WILL empower you inside, with a gracious strength that glorifies God.]
Such faith anticipates [and actively, diligently prepares for] the unseen eternal home Paul has just described. 


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🔙 https://biblehub.com/2_corinthians/4-18.htm

⭐⭐‼️‼️ The temporary nature of the seen world is a reminder of the [consequently] fleeting nature of all earthly life and possessions. [Realizing] this temporary nature of the world is a call to prioritize spiritual over material "wealth", as Jesus taught; urging believers to "store up treasures in heaven rather than on earth."
[This is NOTABLE, especially for me personally. Living for eternity is NOT nihilistic or annihilatory!! It does NOT mean "erasing all wants" and "destroying all feelings"!! Jesus is, shockingly, implying that we SHOULD have, pursue, and desire "treasures" and "wealth," but NOT THOSE OF THIS WORLD! We the faithful are supposed to SUBLIMATE those instincts for "storing up" earthly gains of goods & gold– instincts which apparently exist because GOD GAVE them to us FOR a higher purpose than those base ends to which sin degraded them– to the "storing up" of heavenly graces & goodness, divine virtues of infinite value, "more precious than the purest gold" because they are imperishable, and they cannot be lost or stolen because they are "kept secure with God"! That alone says so much– it means that, being WITH God, these "treasures in heaven", even as we seek them now, are HOLY! And because they are holy, and God is holy, they REFLECT GOD'S CHARACTER in a way that profane things cannot; and so this divine reflection carries TRUTH. These unseen things are therefore ETERNAL REALITIES, not like the visible forms & tangible shapes that nevertheless decay & dissolve, having no eternal substance, and incapable of entering into spiritual realms.
But what is capable, then? And what has such a capacity for holiness, for truth, for reflecting Who God Is? Only what is unseen and invisible to faithless eyes, only that which is intangible yet of "glorious weight"; only that which is godly... quite simply, then, only that which is loving relationship. That's the Covenant. That's the Trinity. "Love is the fulfillment of the Law." "Christ died for us because He loved us." "In the end, only three things endure: Faith, Hope, and Love, but the greatest of these is Love." These are our true and lasting treasures. Don't be afraid to desire and pursue such sacred riches! God is infinitely wealthy and HE desires to GIVE them to you in lavish abundance– you just need to ask, seek, and knock! PRAY for them and TRUST that He WILL give! "If you, then, being evil (that is, sinful by nature), know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father certainly give the Holy Spirit to those who ask and continue to ask Him!” "God did not even spare His own Son from death, but offered Him up as a sacrifice for us all... God did not keep back his own Son, but he gave Him up for us all. Since God did this, won't He freely give us everything else? Will He not also, WITH Christ, graciously grant us all things?" And there ISN'T any greater treasure than Christ, and His Holy Spirit, Who God the Father HAS "given to us"– and THROUGH them, as through the Trinity itself, flows ALL LOVE, the fountain of ALL eternal truths & holy gifts. And IN CHRIST, they ARE YOURS. Receive them from His Hands with grateful humility, and then, in imitation of Him, share them liberally– God's riches of Love operate by different rules than those of this selfish world. Love exists TO be shared. "It is more blessed to give than to receive," and yet "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over with no space left for more– will be given into your bosom. For with the same standard of measurement you use when you do good to others, it will be measured out to you in return.” THERE'S YOUR INSTRUCTIONS. Go to your good God, get the graces, give them generously and for His glory! Then, when you die and leave all visible things behind, you will be truly wealthy; yes, if you lived in holiness, then even if you were a homeless pauper in this life, your faithful soul will have stored up in heaven, secure for all eternity, the only wealth that ever mattered– you will share in the glory of Christ!]

Blood sugar FALLING INTO THE 60s ALL MORNING???

Grocery Shopping rush
"Last second God"

Teasing Xander about Christmas decor
"You can be a happy deer too"
Turned into a rather deep talk about the Incarnation
Honestly I really need to talk to him more. He has been surprisingly dedicated to his redemption since last December, when, while folding laundry that one morning, I was suddenly & inexplicably slammed by an onslaught of vivid heartspace scenes chronicling the very inception of that conversion in him. But he's always so genuine about it. Like... when it first hit, it stuck, and deeply so. There hasn't been any wavering on his part, and I admire that immensely. But he's still so new to "being good" regardless; he still has so much to learn and be enriched by, and he wants to know and do more. I think that's a solemn responsibility on my shoulders, especially if I'm actually in the Jewel bloodline? Jewels are responsible for the whole Outspacer transition process, really, as Jewels are the direct & living Links from outside worlds to hers/ours. I wonder if the "string theory" is still legit? I'll have to look into that. But in any case, concerning the "moving in" process, if a Jewel doesn't spearhead that effort, it will fail. Jewels are anchors, and without them personally and particularly helping an Outspacer in whatever way they personally need, they won't be able to hold on to anything else. That sounds very dramatic, but it's true. And, for Xander, a huge part of his immigration, as it were, is that religious education aspect, because that's the core of where he comes from, AND where he's growing into. 
So yeah, if anything's gonna make this deer a happy deer, it's that. 'Tis the season after all!


Window exhaust disaster = we left it open while we were out and, just our luck, they decided to run a LEAFBLOWER under our window and it got that awful smell all through our apartment.
Our immediate reaction was "welp, gotta deal," and we just opened the door and turned on our mini air filter & set up the tower fans and that was it. No panic, no freaking out, even when we realized that the window had also let in a TON of leaf litter all over our table, chair, and blankets. Nope, we just grabbed soap and towels and cleaned everything up. "Calm cleaning in a crisis". Honestly it surprises me, looking back-- it shows that our "natural response," outside of family contexts, is NOT to unravel but to face the situation squarely and get things done. So that's very reassuring, actually, as to the kind of person we hopefully actually are, because we want to be such a person: sober & reliable to help restore peace & order when things get tough.


Mimic FRONTING briefly to simply cut carrots
I miss him SO MUCH, dude where have you been?
In any case, it was just... so sweet, for him to literally just show up to do a mundane domestic task, and to do so with genuine contentment. Like his "presence" in memory is quietly, simply at peace, if only a touch sad, but notably marked as because he had never been trusted OR safe enough TO do anything as preciously small like this before. I have NEVER felt anything like that in or from him until today.
...I think he still has that deep fear of being unwanted and unseen though. So I have a duty, as someone who genuinely loves him, to make sure he knows that he IS wanted and seen and treasured and valued in our life. That has to be demonstrated tangibly. Words won't prove it at all, not on their own. He needs to be actively invited in and involved in our life, just as he is, with no agenda or assigned roles. He just needs the open embracing space to simply be with us. God knows that's what I value most, too, when it comes down to it... the best moments of my days now are just when I'm existing with Chaos or Laurie or Genesis. We're not "trying" to accomplish anything. Maybe all I'm doing is sitting with them in silence, just being in each others' presence, just cherishing that closeness, that reality. That's what sticks with me the most. Mimic deserves to have that, too.


BENADRYL ALLERGY?????
It's actually making our throat and nose close up??? That's the OPPOSITE of what you're supposed to do bro


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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%201&version=NET

Picking up where we left off last night =

"An enemy grabbed all her treasures" = Heb “all her desirable things.” The noun (makhmad, “desirable thing”) refers to valuable possessions, such as gold and silver, that people desire. This probably refers, not to the valuable possessions of Jerusalem in general, but to the sacred objects in the Temple in particular, as suggested by the rest of the verse.
For the anthropomorphic image compare Song 5:16.
("His mouth is most sweet. He is absolutely desirable. This is my love, and this is my friend, young women of Jerusalem.")
[DETOURING TO THIS VERSE BECAUSE WOW WHAT????]

https://biblehub.com/songs/5-16.htm
"His mouth is sweet in every way. His mouth is full of sweetness... His mouth is sweetness itself... His mouth IS sweetness."
"His kisses are sweet... His mouth is sweet to kiss... His mouth is like sweet honeycombs."
("Mouth" is also translated as "throat," "palate," and "SPEECH.")

https://biblehub.com/hebrew/2441.htm
chek: mouth, taste, lips; (properly) the palate or inside of the mouth, (hence) the mouth itself (as the organ of speech, taste and kissing)
Chek most commonly denotes the palate or roof of the mouth, yet Scripture extends the term to cover the inner surfaces of the mouth, the organ of taste, and, by metonymy, speech itself. In each setting the word touches on sensory discernment— what is ingested, savored, rejected, or uttered.
[I really need to meditate on those four terms in the sense of discernment, especially in the direct and awful light of the eating disorder.]

Discernment of Speech and Truth: Job repeatedly employs chek to portray the testing of words: “Does not the ear test words as the palate tastes food?” ...Here the mouth’s ability to distinguish flavors pictures the believer’s responsibility to weigh counsel, doctrine, and circumstance with spiritual discrimination.
Ministry application: teachers and hearers alike must cultivate a refined [spiritual] “palate” that quickly detects error and delights in sound doctrine.
[This means we have to DISCERN PROPER SPIRITUAL "TASTE." In truth, error should taste bitter & sour to us, whereas Truth should taste sweet & smooth. The "problem" is when sin "sugarcoats" itself, and when goodness has a bite to it. In such cases, we NEED to be "spiritual supertasters" able to pick out the most subtle "tells" of the underlying substance– the sweetness of wholesome fruit is inherently different from that of processed pastry, and the sweetness of antifreeze is another thing entirely. And yet, to an immature soul-palate that has no proper knowledge or depth of wisdom, they all just taste "sweet." WE MUST BE ABLE TO KEENLY DIFFERENTIATE, without poisoning ourselves in the process, and the only way to do that is to know VERY WELL what GOODNESS "tastes like," to the point where the "artificial", "rotten", "unripe", "inedible", and "toxic" flavors of untruth, of sin & error, are glaringly apparent in contrast. The second essential warning = notice I initially used the word "should." Sin has already perverted our palate. Some of us actually enjoy the "taste" of the spiritual equivalent of chemically jacked-up, plastic-wrapped, mass-produced dessert cakes or snack chips. Maybe we've become addicted to the sugar, to the fat, to the additives, and "weaning off" is excruciating. That, or we've lived so long on "rotten, spoiled, moldy" spiritual food that THOSE tastes are our "normal." Perhaps, whenever someone promised to feed us with "fruit", it was full of worms. Perhaps we've only been eating "unripe" fruit, bitter and hard. And ultimately, maybe we're so spiritually poor due to sin that such "foods" are "all we can afford," not realizing that God's grace is of infinite worth and HE will feed us with the "finest wheat" and "honey from the rock" IF we only GO TO HIM ALONE for sustenance. The point is, there are MANY potential obstacles & complications to "cultivating our palate" morally. The good news is, we have the Good News. There is no other way to "refine" our palate without reWIRING it by eating well, without being re-oriented to and deeply familiarized with healthy and wholesome foods, without practicing mindful eating and attentive sensory observation. And, above all, we need to have a TRUSTWORTHY, BENEVOLENT, RELIABLE SOURCE OF NOURISHMENT, Who will ENSURE that ALL our food IS good and healthsome and clean and delightful. And, we must LEARN FROM HIM. We need to GAIN the VOCABULARY TO DISCERN & DESCRIBE what it is we're tasting. We CANNOT do this alone! The refinement of the soul-palate is a SKILL, an ART FORM as much as a key survival tool. Hence the word "cultivate." It takes great time, effort, dedication, study, attention, care, and sacrifice. But it is absolutely worth it, because this is a literally life-saving ability. We MUST learn to taste well, and to taste accurately, just as much as we NEED to LEARN the proper tastes THROUGH EATING "GOOD FRUIT", thereby learning by experience to recognize and savor those virtuous flavors. Then, at last, we will be ABLE to, and NEED to, REFUSE to swallow ANYTHING that doesn't have the mellifluous taste of God's Truth in it.]

Sweetness of God’s Word: Psalm 119:103 elevates the term: “How sweet are Your Words to my taste— sweeter than honey in my mouth!” The psalmist’s comparison presents Scripture as nourishment surpassing the choicest delicacies.
Proverbs likewise invites the believer to receive wisdom with delight: “My son, eat honey [wisdom], for it is good, and the honeycomb is sweet to your palate” (Proverbs 24:13).
[I LOVE the imagery of EATING Wisdom, like Jeremiah and the scroll. Note that it is RECEIVED, like "finding" the comb in the wild– we do not control or produce this sweetness. It is purely natural, powerful, unique among flavors. It cannot be abused or it WILL punish us (see Proverbs 25:16 & 25:27). Honey must be SOUGHT by a soul unafraid to go into the wilderness for it. Although we are aware of its most usual possible places, it always appears to us unexpectedly, always new by its nature. Once revealed, we must eat it then or lose it– a traveler has no means to remove or transport it without mess or harm (bees!). Wisdom gives herself when & where she wills, to those with good palates who therefore desire and seek her sweetness, and we must EAT what she gives as it is given– we must receive it with grateful hearts, hungry and joyful, humble lovers of good. And remember, don't be greedy. Don't be gluttonous. That betrays a corrupt palate, unable to treasure taste as God intended: for the sake of indicating a proper source of nourishment. Wisdom will not stay in a stuffed stomach, just as a luxurious palate will not appreciate her even as it gorges on honey. They do not delight, they only devour, and that with lust. They do not seek nourishment, only entertainment. THAT is the picture of a soul that despises Scripture. A soul with a diet of secular junk-words will never be wise or happy or satisfied. But even they are not hopeless– their insatiable craving for pleasant flavors– never satiated despite their excessive consumption and chasing of novelty– is but a tragic sin-perversion of an innate and good appetite: the desire and recognition and need of GOD as the TRUE, DEFINITIVE, ULTIMATE sweetness and nourishment, the SOURCE of all goodness and all righteous pleasures in the universe. Deep down, we ALL are truly and really hungering for Him... and therefore, we ALL have the capacity to perceive and identify that holy flavor, even if we have so far only sought it in echoes or derivatives. But this means that, when those spiritually disordered eaters DO get a taste of His Truth, their very soul REALIZES it as something true, even unconsciously, and in time they CAN be gently but persistently redirected & healed through continued exposure to Scripture TO desire God AS God and above all else. THAT'S the powerful sweetness of the Good News of Christ, the True and Perfect Bread!]

Preachers and disciplers may draw from these images when exhorting believers to daily intake of the Word, not from duty alone but from [holy] desire awakened by its sweetness.
[TAKE NOTE OF THAT. IT IS NOT A SIN TO DESIRE THE SWEETNESS OF GOD JUST BECAUSE IT IS SWEET, AND BECAUSE IT IS DESIRE.]

Warnings against Deceptive Flattery: The seductive voice of folly is described with the same organ. “For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil” (Proverbs 5:3). What tastes pleasant at first proves deadly.
[HENCE THE NECESSITY OF A REFINED SPIRITUAL PALATE. We need to be able to discern the poison concealed beneath all that sugar & fat. How so? Honeycomb tastes different than bottled stuff. No adulteress has access to the real thing. Her lips may indeed be "sweet," but to a palate that knows God through familiarity and focus, that alien "sweetness" will EVIDENTLY register as untrue and utterly distasteful. The instant such a Scripture-cultivated soul gets the slightest "taste" of her words, they will know it is a fallacy– all corn syrup and canola, an artificial facsimile of God's actual goods– and you must REFUSE to ingest ANY of it. TURN AROUND AND RUN.]
Proverbs 8:7, in contrast, assigns righteous speech to Lady Wisdom: “For my mouth speaks Truth, and wickedness is detestable to my lips.”
The palate motif underscores that every believer’s speech feeds others; it WILL either nourish or poison.

Scenes of Intimacy and Delight: Song of Songs develops cheq in poetic celebration of marital love:
• “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved… his fruit is sweet to my taste” (Song of Songs 2:3).
• “His mouth is most sweet; he is altogether lovely” (Song of Songs 5:16).
• “And your mouth like the best wine. May it go down smoothly for my beloved, gliding gently over lips and teeth” (Song of Songs 7:9).
Here the palate becomes an emblem of delight, satisfaction, and covenant intimacy—imagery often echoed in preaching on Christ’s love for His Church.
[TREE = THE CROSS; MOUTH = HIS WORD; FRUIT = GRACE???]
[I cannot comment fully on this right now. It requires too much time & depth, AND a much deeper dive into that particular Book.]
[The point that stands out to me about these uses of "cheq" = the thing "tasted" is not an abstract concept but a PERSON??? There is a VERY EUCHARISTIC VIBE to this, as things that are tasted are FOODS, therefore MEANT TO BE EATEN. Placed in the context of covenant intimacy, it implies that within a covenant, souls mutually give themselves as nourishment to each other?? It reflects MOTHERHOOD, the only time when a human literally becomes food for another human, for pure love, for sustaining a fragile and precious life that would otherwise die. And yet... in covenant, in this Song, the giving is MORE than motherhood– it is shockingly greater, somehow? Because here, as I said, the giving is MUTUAL, it is FREELY GIVEN, and it sustains the SOUL.]
[I want to ponder further on the simple yet profound depth of the word "cheq" itself here– the shocking intimacy OF a mouth, OF the very experience of taste, especially in its ultimate fulfillment of function in eating and drinking. We do not really taste anything unless we are planning or attempting to ingest it, to "take it into ourselves" and effectively "become one with it" in a strikingly literal manner– we ARE what we eat, our very bodies building themselves from food, highlighting the absolute necessity of discerning & eating only good things. So... this truth adds a staggering amount of extra weight to covenant intimacy as expressed BY "cheq". A covenant relationship in these terms is UNITIVE by nature, and INEXTRICABLY so.]
["Covenant" absolutely and inherently includes marriage. But now is not the time to ponder that. That must wait for the laptop.]
[OH BY THE WAY, REMEMBER "HIS DARK MATERIALS" AND HOW THAT CERTAIN "FRUIT" SCENE CHANGED YOUR LIFE.]

Dryness, Silence, and Judgment: Where sweetness and speech mark blessing, loss of [the mouth's] function signals distress.
Lamentations 4:4 laments the siege of Jerusalem: “The tongue of the infant clings to the roof of its mouth for thirst.”
Ezekiel experiences imposed silence as prophetic sign: “I will make your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth, and you will be mute”.
[The "sticking/ clinging" strikes me as noteworthy; look into that term more. The immediate impression is that the action of doing so "closes the mouth from the inside"; you can neither speak NOR eat in that position.]

Ministry insight: spiritual drought and restrained proclamation are evidences of divine displeasure; conversely, free, life-giving speech accompanies blessing.
[GOD "RESTRAINS OUR PROCLAMATION" OF THE GOSPEL ITSELF (!!!) WHEN WE DISPLEASE HIM BY (EVEN UNKNOWINGLY) UTTERING FALSE TEACHING/ HAVING HERETICAL TENDENCIES/ A SCANDALOUS LIFESTYLE THAT UNDERMINES WITNESS/ CORRUPT UNDERSTANDING OF DOCTRINE/ PREACHING WITH OUTRIGHT HYPOCRISY/ ETC.!!!]


(Back to original verse reference)
https://biblehub.com/songs/5-16.htm
"He is delightful and desirable in every way... He is absolutely, totally, wholly desirable... He is altogether lovely... He is all loveliness."
"Everything about him enchants me... I desire him so much!"
[Read all this in light of the referring verse use of the word "desirable"– the speaker here, the holy bride, has ALL her treasure in her bridegroom, who is all she desires. This stands in stark contrast to pagan plunderers who "treasure" the temple gold solely because it is gold. The bride treasures the temple of her beloved's body (a type of CHRIST) more than all the gold on earth. But this is NOT the idolatry of sensuality and lust. No, this couple is HOLY, united in marriage as a covenant made in God's sight and FOR God's honor, and their love for each other does not lessen or replace or outweigh their love for their Creator. Instead, their marital love flows FROM their love for God, Who is the ultimate treasure and desire of them BOTH. And THAT truth is HOW & WHY they CAN see and treasure and sing of such beauty & sweetness in each other, both physical and spiritual– they recognize those virtues as being gifts FROM and reflections OF GOD. Their adoration and admiration of each other is only possible because it is ultimately recognizing and honoring echoes of the One Who is the Source of it all. In ALL human relationships, and ESPECIALLY in marriage, there MUST be that "transcendent third" for true love to exist there at all, let alone take root and flourish. If the two are only focused on each other as mutually satisfying selfish desires, being "in love" solely because it "makes them happy," the relationship WILL soon fail, in conflict or in collapse, because it has no higher end or purpose. There NEEDS to be a SELFLESS & SPIRITUAL "TELOS", a reason for entering into unity and committing to preserving it at all costs, that transcends proud ego and shallow self-interest. The only possible reason is God. God is Love, God is Eternal, God is Good, God is Life, God is True and Just and Merciful and Righteous... and God has committed Himself to ALL MANKIND in a Covenant of infinite Love that can never end or be broken. THAT Truth is both what and why we humans enter into covenants with each other. We seek the highest good of another soul in a special and intimate way, devoting ourself to that purpose completely, sharing our life with them for the sake of enriching their life with God's love through us, and all of this with the aim of leading them to salvation in the next life– which is NOT our work, but God's, and yet everything we do in obedient loving harmony with God's will DOES serve that end for both ourselves and those around us. Marriage is just the hyperfocus of this: the exclusive devotion to one particular soul for the sake of bringing each other closer to God... AND bringing new life into the world through the grace and gift of God for the sake of building up Christ's Church/Body. That's ESSENTIAL to marriage, BECAUSE it is a solemn covenant AND a Sacrament, and as it reflects God's Love for us it MUST be "open to Life" and MUST be anchored in "self-sacrificial love". But I'm rambling. The point i was trying to make all along is = the bride here is in our place. The bridegroom is in Christ's place. She desires Him because she cannot help BUT desire Him; He IS sweetness and goodness and loveliness IN AND OF HIMSELF. He is "wholly desirable" and this is a HOLY DESIRE. She treasures and cherishes and adores Him, she enjoys and delights and rejoices in His Person, and she has every good reason to; it would be appalling for her NOT to feel this way about her Beloved. But most importantly, innate in the word "desire", especially maritally, is the implication of unification. Like the "cheq" that discerns & appreciates sweetness as playing a part of the greater purpose of nourishment, the desire of the bride does NOT end at mere sensual pleasure, at what could easily become purely selfish gratification, treating Him almost as a trophy or artwork. No. Her desire is the same as what makes one desire proper food, as the Eucharist testifies– it is the desire for unity. It is the desire to receive the beloved into one's bosom, for the sake of giving your bosom TO them, as it were. It is the desire to become one with that beautiful beloved, NOT to "consume" them and "take" their beauty for yourself, but to "merge" with them as a beautiful person, as an individual most precious to you, whose beauty you ONLY recognize and cherish BECAUSE it is THEIRS from GOD. There is no envy, no lust, no greed, no ego, no selfish want. There is only pure love for what is purely lovable, the joy of sharing that love as persons, and the very Heart of God enabling and encompassing it all, revealing those tender depths of Himself to us through the depths of each other. The bride would never desire the goodness of her bridegroom if she did not first desire those very good things in God Himself. She would never recognize sweetness in him if she did not already know what sweetness was from God. Do you see? And yet, when she loves and desires her husband, she is not "using him as a stepstool to get to God." She is bringing him with her to God, as his own person, just as totally and uniquely loved BY God as she is. She "desires" her husband because, in reflecting qualities of the LORD, he IS rightly desirable– again, for her TO recognize and treasure those qualities of his is "proof" that she knows them TO be treasures because they are OF God. For her to NOT see sweetness or goodness in him, would mean that she did NOT know God truly, or love her husband truly, for love opens the eyes to the truth. Her "desirable things" in this world WERE indeed the "gold and silver of the temple"– the "objects of worship" devoted to the LORD, those holy vessels made for His service. Is that not what we are called to be? Is
it therefore not right and good for the bride to recognize her holy husband as such a vessel, as being to her such a means of praising God for His reflection in her beloved, as being spiritually "made of gold and silver" in his gifts of virtue and therefore properly admirable in his own person too, to the glory of God Who made him so? She treasures that "gold" not merely because it is gold, as an adulteress would, but because it is sanctified gold, devoted gold, shaped and purposed to serve the LORD and therefore priceless and worth protecting. Why then does she desire it? It is so that she can worship the LORD with it. But, again, it is not a selfish desire, nor an objectifying perspective. She knows her husband is gold, and she thanks God for that, even as she rejoices in the fact that "he is MY beloved... and my FRIEND." This is not utilitarianism. This is a marriage. This is a covenant relationship, and that means MUTUAL benefit as well as love. Yes, he "belongs to her," but ONLY because SHE "belongs to HIM" in return. So, for him to be her treasure, for him to be "all-desirable" in her eyes, means that she effectively has a duty of love to be the same for him. SHE must seek the grace of God to become gold as well, to become her bridegroom's treasure, to become in her own holy and virtuous body a vessel of the Temple of God, so that everything she does is worship, and so too with her husband, so that their marriage becomes a mutually selfless Sacrament of self-giving love, a mirror of Christ to each other, for God and through God, in transcendent unity and sanctified life.
I can't type any more about this, my brain is melting. I hope at least some of that made sense, and I pray that all of it spoke truly and honored God, the Beloved of all the cosmos.]
[...in any case, you need to talk with Infinitii on this topic. zhe will have clarity and insight that you don't.]

His mouth is most sweet = This phrase highlights the intimate and affectionate nature of the relationship between the bride and the bridegroom.
[PAUSE FOR A MOMENT and really let it hit home that GOD WANTS THIS FOR US. He wants us to be INTIMATE with Him, and AFFECTIONATE with Him... because HE "FEELS" THAT WAY TOWARDS US. Do you realize that? God has affection for you. He WANTS to be close to you– not merely present to, not merely close to, not merely with you, but intimate with you. To put it almost scandalously: God wants to cuddle up next to you at night. God wants to kiss the teardrops away from your eyelashes and lips. God wants to cook breakfast for you and buy you flowers "just because" and leave little love poems on the bathroom mirror. That's how "affection" feels. It's warm and soft and so tender and so true. It is a fierce fondness for your very existence, a quiet blaze of joy that makes God smile from ear to ear whenever He so much as glimpses you across the room. Does that make sense? And yes, God is STILL terrible and powerful and the Almighty Judge of All Things. That does not change. But He is also affectionate towards you, all the time. That's the "NATURE" of the relationship, which is a Covenant, remember– eternal, personal, solemn, sincere. You belong to each other forever, completely, and the very ESSENCE of this binding relationship is INTIMATE AFFECTION. This is actually WHY there are Covenant curses for acts of breach & treachery– effectively adultery!! To forsake or abuse THAT kind of purehearted unity of persons DESERVES such punishment and indeed IS its own punishment– if you leave Love, what the heck else is there for you? But Love never breaks Covenant. He will justly let you suffer the consequences you bound yourself to, but His Heart will still ache for you and He WILL bring you back to Himself when your chastisement is complete, because that's Who He IS. He is the God OF Covenant. He CANNOT forsake you forever. He will ALWAYS draw you back into His bosom, into intimacy and affection, into the sweetness of eternal relationship with the Bridegroom of your soul.]

In the context of the Song of Solomon, the mouth symbolizes communication and the sharing of love and wisdom.
[THE TWO GO TOGETHER!!! "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, AND knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." To KNOW God is to LOVE God because GOD IS LOVE. To understand THAT makes our Wisdom "perfect"– we cannot fear God in a holy way UNLESS we love Him, and we cannot love Him in truth unless we KNOW Him... that's why He reveals Himself to us in His Words and Works. God COMMUNICATES with us so we CAN love Him AND fear Him. Let me put it more simply: does a wife "fear" her husband if he is loving and honorable and tender with her? Not in the way we humans normally define fear– she would only fear an abusive husband in such a way. "Fear" is, in that sense, a natural response to the real threat of danger and harm. HOWEVER, what sort of "fear" would a loving and true husband elicit in his beloved wife, especially as symbolically applied to our relationship with God? Only the "fear" of offending Him– NOT merely the "servile fear" of punishment for such an offense, although God DOES have the Authority and Power TO do so, and JUSTLY, especially since ALL our sins basically count as covenant breach, i.e. ADULTERY– but we, the bride, the wife, "fear" offending God BECAUSE we LOVE Him, and the very thought of doing something to hurt Him fills our hearts with terrible dread! We don't want to go to hell because we don't EVER want to reject God, and we NEVER want to be separated from Him. THAT'S the "fear of the LORD." It's the RESULT OF LOVE, and THAT is real Wisdom– and Wisdom is Christ.]

The sweetness of the mouth can be seen as a metaphor for the words and promises of the bridegroom, which are pleasing and desirable.
[NOTE THIS AGAIN. IT IS RIGHT AND GOOD TO WANT AND LIKE WHAT GOD PROMISES TO HIS FAITHFUL PEOPLE. YOU'RE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO DESIRE THEM!!! IT IS NOT A SIN TO CHERISH "THE SWEETNESS OF HIS MOUTH," JUST BECAUSE IT IS SWEET, AND BECAUSE IT IS HIS MOUTH!!! YOU HAVE WAY TOO MANY CROSSED WIRES AND TWISTED DEFINITIONS. FIX THEM ACCORDING TO SCRIPTURE OR YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO BE GOD'S BRIDE IN TRUTH.]

In a broader biblical context, this can be compared to the Words of Christ, which are described as sweet and life-giving (Psalm 119:103).
(Okay but that Psalm verse has some LOVELY translations=
"How sweet to my tongue is your promise, sweeter than honey to my mouth!"
"How sweet the taste of your promise is! It tastes sweeter than honey."
"How pleasing is what you have to say to me— tasting better than honey!"
"How sweet are Your words to my taste— sweeter than honey in my mouth!"
"Your words are sweeter in my mouth than honey!"
"Your teachings are sweeter than honey!"
"How sweet is the taste of your instructions!"
"How smooth were thy words to my palate!"
"How sweet is your eloquence!"
"How sweet are thine oracles to my throat!"
"Your words are sweet to the roof of my palate, better than honey to my mouth!")

The sweetness also reflects the deep emotional and spiritual connection between the lovers, emphasizing the importance of communication in relationships.
[NONVERBAL, too. My relationship with Chaos 0 has proven to me very very clearly that emotional and spiritual communication is, arguably, even more important than mere words. If you love someone that deeply, you will speak to them with your heart and soul as well as with your mouth and eyes and hands. Your whole life will be a conversation, a communion... a song you sing together, really.]

he is altogether lovely = This phrase underscores the complete and perfect nature of the bridegroom.
[Also implying = to be a "bridegroom" in its truest essence requires this?? This speaks volumes of Christ– because He IS complete & perfect by nature, His marital unity with us is totally "selfless" in motive, being entirely generous & giving, because He needs nothing from us to be "whole". His relationship with us has nothing to do with "gain" or "profit" or "benefit" as it were. Rather, it is an expression of unfathomably pure and gracious love. The perfect Bridegroom freely & willingly shares HIS wholeness WITH us by UNITING Himself with us, making US "complete and perfect" at last IN HIM. And He REJOICES in this!]

The term "altogether lovely" suggests that every aspect of his being is admirable and desirable.
[NO EXCEPTIONS. If you KNOW the Bridegroom in truth– a knowledge which requires committed intimacy– then you will KNOW what is His Character– His Name– and what is a lie the enemy has told you about Him. This is the litmus: whatever is truly admirable and desirable– and you recognize this instinctively, as a human created in His Image and re-created through Baptism into His Likeness– whatever is lovely & pure & true & good and all those other virtuous qualities Saint Paul outlined– ALL such things are ASPECTS OF HIS BEING. If something doesn't fit those criteria, then it's NOT. And DON'T GET FOOLED. PUT YOUR REFINED PALATE TO WORK. Christ is "all sweetness," and once you have TASTED that in TRUTH, then NOTHING can trick you into thinking otherwise. If you have to "convince yourself" or "reinterpret things" TO see them as "desirable," you're just sugarcoating poison. STOP IT. ASK THE HOLY SPIRIT TO SHOW YOU THE TRUTH. You know what His "flavor" is, through SACRAMENT & SCRIPTURE!! so FOCUS ON THAT.
Seriously, reflect deeply on this, and pray fervently about it. I can guarantee you it will change your life.]

 

2025 Wed Jan 1 3:06 AM

I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & UPSET

WHY = Another bulimic meltdown because of being up the house.
I'm so angry. I TOLD mom I did not want to go but she pushed until I did anyway. Why.
Very upset. Great way to start the new year you idiot.
At least it's over. Leave ALL that hell in the past.
I wish I could just cut it all off & start over.
I want this to be a year of FREEDOM & PURPOSE.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Wed Jan 1 2:48 PM

I'M FEELING = EXCITED & SUPPORTED

WHY = Xanga session scheduled for tonight! ♡
We slept in SO late (we were exhausted) so we're only eating ONCE we think. I don't think I can deal with the stress of two meals.
In any case food is still trauma triggering. But I know the System will help us deal.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Wed Jan 1 5:10 PM

I'M FEELING = WORRIED & INSPIRED

WHY = Too much curry powder as usual.
BUT Matthew 6 is GORGEOUS as well as VERY convicting.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Wed Jan 1 9:43 PM

I'M FEELING = MOVED & LOVESICK

WHY = Beautiful music on Infinitii's playlist.
Reading 2008 and seeing our history. Blissfully bittersweet.
Feeling so loved & in love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2025 Thu Jan 2 1:30 PM

I'M FEELING = EMPOWERED & EAGER

WHY = Looking forward to MORE ARCHIVE REVIEWS!

Also Mimic & Laurie challenged me to do some push-ups & crunches this morning to FINALLY get back into that routine.
Gonna bike later too!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Exercising

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2025 Thu Jan 2 4:40 PM

I'M FEELING = ENRAGED & TERRIFIED

WHY = STUPIDASS COMPULSIVE BINGE PLANNING
WHAT THE HELL, YOU SEE WE HAVE MONEY SO YOU IMMEDIATELY SET IT ON FIRE???!?!?
STOP SENDING US TO HELL WITH YOU, YOU GLUTTONOUS HEARTLESS MURDERING BITCH!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;In Public,Kitchen;Walking Through Town,Disordered Behavior;Shopping

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2025 Fri Jan 3 5:49 AM

I'M FEELING = GRIEF & LOVESICK

WHY = Reading old entries for about 4 hours.
There's so much pain but so much love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Laurie;With Julie,On The Laptop,Reading The Archives

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2025 Fri Jan 3 10:44 AM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & LOVING

WHY = SO TIRED. getting another 3 hours in God bless
Feeling how blessed I already am to have Chaos 0 & Laurie. I feel very loved & in love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Couch,Going To Bed;Talking To Chaos 0;Looking At System Images;Talking To Laurie

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2025 Fri Jan 3 3:29 PM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & DEPRESSED

WHY = Tumblr time-wasting.
Why does our brain keep doing this?
We're not even dressed for the day.
It just gets stuck in not-existing.
This is absolutely a suicidal reroute...

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home

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2025 Fri Jan 3 4:51 PM

I'M FEELING = INSPIRED & PRESENT

WHY = Breakfast Bible study!
Reading Galatians, & Mimic relating to Saint Paul

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Talking To Central;Reading Scripture

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2025 Fri Jan 3 8:29 PM

I'M FEELING = EMPTY & CONTEMPT

WHY = Damned YouTube time-wasting.
Brain feels like a blender

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Watching Animation

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2025 Fri Jan 3 9:36 PM

I'M FEELING = DEPRESSED & DISGUSTED

WHY = Fandoms are stupid & empty.
Clothes still not dry. For some reason having to pay & wait for another dryer round was so depressing? The "straw that broke the camel's back"

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Laundry;Internet Browsing

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2025 Sat Jan 4 4:35 AM

I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & LOVESICK

WHY = Reading all the 2011 entries about Chaos 0 & Xenophon while listening to Albert Guinovart.
SO many emotions. I miss this beautiful ache.

We haven't lost this. We haven't lost this.
We can have it again, right now, even richer & deeper than back then. I know this.
Don't be afraid. The best is yet to come. I'm sure of it.

REFLECT = "Experiencing such strong emotions from memories can be quite powerful. What is it about revisiting these memories that stirs up such a profound sense of love and longing for you?"

REPLY = Well dude it was ALL about learning that I was a father, and overcoming trauma through radical love, and people letting their walls down & opening their hearts... 2011 was such a gorgeous year and that is OUR HISTORY. And it gets BETTER. And it CAN & WILL be just as gorgeous NOW.
That's the love, that's the longing. All this is our LIFE and I NEED it & miss it so much I could sob-- but the joy is just as cathartic. I haven't lost it. Any of it. Against all odds, despite all the death, we haven't lost an iota of love. That's what tonight has proven to me. Thank God. 

INSIGHT = "Embracing the beauty of past experiences and recognizing the enduring power of love can provide deep, cathartic joy, reminding that the richness of those moments can be felt again in the present."

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2025 Sat Jan 4 8:16 AM

I'M FEELING = TIRED & ANXIOUS

WHY = Need sleep.
Unsure on church schedule.
Also need food, because we run out of carrots & broccoli soon.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Going To Bed;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Sat Jan 4 2:15 PM

I'M FEELING = IRATE & AGITATED

WHY = SUPER RUSHED & EVERYONE IS ON THE ROAD.
Too much all at once.
Feel like I'm about to spit magma.
Horrible ugly feeling.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Commuting;Kitchen;Table,Driving;Cooking;Cleaning;Shopping

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2025 Sat Jan 4 2:30 PM

I'M FEELING = GUILTY & REVERENT

WHY = Powerful convictions in Scripture today. God knows I need them.
But they also bring so much hope for redemption, and reassurance of the love of God.
Lord Jesus give me strength & peace in my soul. I'm such a mess. But You WON'T give up on me.
I have to cling to that & fight ever harder.
But I need grace or I can't do anything.
Holy Spirit, I KNOW You are with me. Please open my heart to You.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Reading Scripture

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2025 Sat Jan 4 9:03 PM

I'M FEELING = HORRIFIED & FURIOUS

WHY = G*DDAMNED BINGE!!!!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning

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2025 Sun Jan 5 1:55 AM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & SPENT

WHY = Binge hell finally over.
Terrified but it's over.
We're very poor now but it's our fault entirely
Possibly even subconsciously intentional
Nevertheless it's over thank GOD

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Sun Jan 5 2:16 PM

I'M FEELING = CONTENT & INCLUDED

WHY = Just happy that we're alive & together.
Discussing daily concerns as a group.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace;Kitchen,Talking To Central;Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning;System Discussion

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2025 Sun Jan 5 8:36 PM

I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & SCARED

WHY = So so sick & weak & dizzy

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Cleaning

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2025 Mon Jan 6 3:07 AM

I'M FEELING = SAD & TIRED

WHY = Another exhausting day.
It's so hard to get up & have to face another one.
But for now I'm just existing in the interim. There's at least peace here.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Couch,Going To Bed

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2025 Mon Jan 6 1:53 PM

I'M FEELING = INDECISIVE & BURNED OUT

WHY = I don't want to eat. At all.
Trying to minimize daily intake without causing medical symptoms.
I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Mon Jan 6 4:19 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & HOPEFUL

WHY = Already sick from eating. Scared but I have to do it.
Scripture is both terribly convicting & blissfully reassuring.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Mon Jan 6 6:35 PM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & RELIEVED

WHY = GOT THROUGH THE DAY!!
Now time to do SYSTEM WORK for like SIX HOURS ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Exercising;Archiving

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2025 Tue Jan 7 3:44 AM

I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & TOUCHED

WHY = Spent 8 HOURS doing Archive work and I am SO IN LOVE.
I am also SO BLESSED to have everyone, and to be part of this System.
I actually feel alive & real tonight. This is beautiful.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Headspace;Couch,Going To Bed;Archiving;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie

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2025 Tue Jan 7 12:06 PM

I'M FEELING = UPSET & GRIEF

WHY = Horrible bulimic nightmare.
Grandma was there too.

BUT SO WAS LAURIE and she was KILLING MONSTERS and GIVING ME HOPE

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up

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2025 Tue Jan 7 1:32 PM

I'M FEELING = LOVING & ALIVE

WHY = 2024 PLAYLIST IN A BOTTLE ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Exercise Bike,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Exercising

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2025 Tue Jan 7 1:58 PM

I'M FEELING = ADORING & CONNECTED

WHY = Listening to our music together and SINGING ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace;Exercise Bike;Heartspace,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Exercising

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2025 Tue Jan 7 4:08 PM

I'M FEELING = PRESSURED & GRATEFUL

WHY = Scripture ALWAYS pointing out areas of spiritual concern. THANK YOU GOD for leading us in the right direction every day!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Tue Jan 7 10:23 PM

I'M FEELING = DISGUSTED & ANGRY

WHY = Another hellish binge. WHY. WE WERE DOING SO WELL.
The WORST part is that the WHOLE TIME, we KNEW we DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS. We were TERRIFIED. And yet it was still FORCED.

There is a huge root problem here.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Table;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Wed Jan 8 6:03 AM

I'M FEELING = STUCK & WEARY

WHY = 2013 & TBHU reviews.
There is so much pain & disorder. It hurts.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,On The Laptop,Reading The Archives;Archiving

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2025 Wed Jan 8 11:31 AM

I'M FEELING = IRRITATED & EXHAUSTED

WHY = So bloody tired.
No wonder the binges keep happening-- our brain WANTS to shut off from exhaustion.
We NEED to find a better way.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up;Talking To Mom;Playing Pokemon;Meal Planning

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2025 Wed Jan 8 2:25 PM

I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & APPREHENSIVE

WHY = Scared about tomorrow's schedule.
Mom overwhelm.
Still have to eat today and don't want to.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Mom;Exercising;Meal Planning

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2025 Wed Jan 8 2:46 PM

I'M FEELING = CONFLICTED & DREAD

WHY = Lyrics hitting all the old wounds.
Still haunted by desperate esthiofoni. God i wish I knew where THEY were wounded.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising

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2025 Wed Jan 8 10:40 PM

I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & MOVED

WHY = Quanta Qualia.
Thinking of Infinitii and Chaos 0.
Love means everything right now.
Actually felt MOVED TO PRAY because of it. NO FEAR OR FORCING.
BOY THIS IS A GAME-CHANGER.

Please, please try hard to be YOU tomorrow.
Be patient but firm with the esthio girls.
BE A FATHER FIGURE!!!

REFLECT = "Feeling moved by love can be a profound experience. What about this moment or connection feels like a game-changer for you?"

REPLY = The fact that it literally opened my heart to WORSHIP, WITHOUT PUSHING THE LOVE ASIDE. Any thriskefoni that tries to brutally separate the two is a liar.

INSIGHT = "Opening the heart to worship without pushing love aside highlights the powerful connection between love and spiritual expression, reinforcing that both can coexist harmoniously. This understanding can foster deeper, more authentic connections in the future."

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus;With Chaos 0,On The Laptop;Couch,Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Archiving;Praying

(unfinished entry; just taking the most important notes for now)

we were in the hospital for two months and now EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE RENEWED WTF.
we were on the phone for 4 HOURS BRO
but hey, this is proving we CAN be a responsible adult, when so many people have doubted us. thank You God for giving us the grace because boy howdy there is definitely divine providence at work with somehow managing all of this paperwork and phonecalling let me tell you

Ran to pharmacy to get ELEVEN MEDS
Talking to Genesis during the trip. I've missed him SO MUCH

Walmart run to replace the missing yogurt from last night
got to switch one plain for a "cookies and cream" one to try, thinking of Mimic fronting on Halloween.
also on that same affectionate train of thought, we are legit excited to finally try this "dave's killer bread" now that we're eating carbs again thank the good Lord.
their website has this absolutely beautiful quote that i need to share for my sake as much as mim's:
"We have witnessed first-hand that someone’s past does not define their future, and that sometimes giving someone a chance is all they need to become a Good Seed."


CHINESE FOOD WITH THE FAM!!
WE ATE... TWO SHRIMPS. A CRAYFISH. AND SO MUCH CRAB IT'S DELICIOUS
Also a cream puff for Rio. I saw them and of course the affection won out for him too. it makes life so much better to just act on love whenever i feel it.
refusing to judge this poor finally-not-a-skeleton body for wanting to eat, either.

mom brought us up the house to help clean, so we were cleaning off old photos from all the sanding-dust that got over 'em
she had a Johnny Mathis cd playing in the hall and EVERY SONG MADE ME THINK OF ANXI, my heart was on FIRE

ALSO she brought us up the attic to see if there were any clothes we wanted to try on to see if they fit (we own very little clothing of our own, and now it's all too small) and WHILE we were looking we found old action figures of MARIK, DAVY JONES, and GENERAL GRIEVOUS. the rush of tenderness that hit my heart at seeing my old friends faces so unexpectedly moved me to immediately pocket them all to take them home.
oh yes and there was a TINY translucent figure of METABEE? dude i don't know where you came from but we have nothing but good memories about playing medabots so he got pocketed too, haha.
...oh. but there was one last HUGE thing we found upstairs that knocked the floor out from under me in the best way.
we found our old 8th grade gym sweatshirt, from 2004. right before graduation everyone went around and signed each other's shirts and mine was no exception. so i was sad when i saw it had water damage, and most of the names and words had been washed off... but the sleeves were untouched.
and on the left sleeve, on the inside of the arm, were four little symbols.
mine, mariks's, ryou's, and chaos zero's.
i could have wept from sheer love in that moment. but it wasn't just the emotion of seeing a 20-year-old proof of that love-- it was the fact that I have "always wanted" that EXACT symbol lineup as a tattoo BUT I didn't realize it was SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING.
it just... it was a beautiful moment, to see that, and feel that, two decades later. it felt existentially validating. that's a rare and priceless thing. in that moment i felt like i've always been me, and always will be, and this love is the connecting thread.
...i might have to actually get that tattoo at last. it's been long enough, apparently. and i owe us all that much.
(oh btw there were references to bakunetsumaru and jirachi and VAIDA on the shirt too which was just as hilarious as it was endearing. THAT was an ERA, kids)


Got home, unpacked, returned the shopping cart and realized it was raining very mistily. So we just stood there for a while, in the quiet cold dark, alone and looking up at the moon glowing behind the hazy night clouds.
Suddenly, yet soundlessly, Anxi moved in to front. It was completely unexpected but she was there, so clearly. The perception lit a pure joy in my heart, remembering how I couldn't find her at the beginning of this month, and yet now here she was, showing up on her own, undeniable.
She looked up at the glow of the hidden moon and I remember her having anxious thoughts about it possibly "disappearing" entirely behind the clouds, and leaving us in the dark. I reassured her that it would still be there, even if it wasn't visible for a bit. Besides, without those clouds, we wouldn't have that beautiful glow, or this lovely soft rain. I felt this realization hit her with surprise, and then a sort of stunned gratitude? Like I got the impression that she wasn't used to thinking like that-- my natural disposition to find the silver lining was totally new to her. But she embraced it fervently, as I have to admit she does about everything, and I love that so much; her nervous edge makes her virtually incapable of taking things for granted, or doing things halfheartedly. She is too aware of how easily things can be lost, or forgotten, or needed and not had. So she treasures things, albeit in an almost inevitably fragile way. The more she's around and the more I can feel of her heart the more I love her. She's fascinating.
So there she stood, and listened to the rain on the leaves, and looked at the clouds veiling the moon, and felt the cold and smelled the petrichor and in those moments there was such a profound peace and she entered into it. Anxi, my dear frazzled girl, was actually tranquil for a full blessed minute or two as she just existed in that quiet beauty. She was thinking something like, "I don't have to worry about anything right now. I can just be here in this moment." Like the future didn't exist yet, and so it couldn't be stressed over. There was just "right now," and she was alive in it, and the entire world felt at peace, and there was nothing else. I could feel the experience affecting her at a deep level.
...What affected me the most was what happened next. We live in an apartment building so inevitably there will be interruptions. A car pulled into the lot, and we heard distant voices talking. Anxi felt a wave of sudden intense panic and worry, immediately dreading the possible negative outcomes of this event, but what shocked me was that this only lasted about three seconds. Then, she purposefully refocused her attention on the moon, and shakily but firmly thought, "I'll be okay. Jewel will protect me."
...I think my heart did a double-take. I cannot describe the emotion I felt when I heard her say that, and mean it.
We stayed outside for another minute, Anxi still holding on to the transcendent peace in determined spite of her own nerves, until I gently moved partly in to control again and said we should go in and start cleaning up for the night. But Anxi didn't want to. Just as gently she moved back in to front, and said she wanted to stay outside for at least one more minute, and I felt that. Surprised, but deeply touched, I let her.
Right before we finally went in, I had the quietly joyful urge to stretch the body's arms up to the sky, hands open, a gesture of sheer accepting gratitude for existence that I've found myself doing a lot. So I did this, but Anxi picked up on it and moved into the movement herself, and concluded it by doing something I've never done-- whereas I would move the arms down in a circle and then into a folded-hands gesture, she moved our arms forward and out, before suddenly pulling them in to tightly yet softly "embrace" ourself. It was like she was pressing the entire experience into our heart. It was such a moving gesture, something so unexpected, but it touched me deeply.

It's 2am again and I still can't sleep (I blame the massive amount of seafood I ate, haha. NO REGRETS BRO WE'RE NOT STARVING ANYMORE) but I spent a good hour just decompressing from the rush of today by standing in the kitchen looking at gifs of Anxi on Tumblr and just... man I don't even know what word to use because honestly it is insane how much I feel for her. It has been MANY YEARS since I've been this much in love with ANYONE. It's unreal. It's beautiful. It's making me want to stay alive no matter how strange and scary and difficult things are now. She gives me determination, because she TRUSTS ME to PROTECT her and God knows I WILL. If I'm apparently supposed to have a bigger body now then i will make it as strong as i can and i will use it to fight the good fight and defend her from all those shadows that haunt me.
...but she's teaching me that i deserve to be protected, too. and she fights for me as well. she has literally changed my life forever over the past year, especially over the past two months, and i thank God for her, she is my orange angel and i am so in love with her it hurts. i miss this. i feel alive and real and life is worth living. isn't it funny that this is almost exactly 20 years after i met my blue angel? it's poetic, really. and they both have the most beautiful green eyes, which is inevitably going to get a poem the next time i'm up this late but not three seconds away from passing out with sheer exhaustion.

i wanted to update though. there was too much real happiness today not to record it. i owe that to all of us, always.

SUM UP THE WEEK:
Even split between heaven & hell. Tons of fear food challenges, facing up to allergy panic, and struggling with exchange overload & large volume meals. Worried about looming discharge date & doubt about recovery validity. Difficult milieu environment spiking stress. BUT ALSO beautiful conversations in headspace almost every morning, two dreams about kissing Chaos 0, ACTUALLY KISSING ANXI & SEEING THE BEGINNINGS OF AN *INCIDENT* for her, and MIMIC RETURNING AND FRONTING (he likes dark chocolate)!!

LIST YOUR RECOVERY WINS HERE:
● SHRIMP/ CRAB/ HAM/ CANDY/ SOY CHALLENGES
● NO DOUBLING MEALPLAN SIDES
● ADMITTING I WAS STRUGGLING WITH FORCING CHALLENGES
● LISTENING TO NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
● BEING MORE HONEST ABOUT SELF IN GROUP & WITH OTHERS

What are you most proud of yourself for this week? What situation did you handle well?
I DIDN'T GIVE UP. We didn't back down from ANY challenge foods. We MADE IT THROUGH HALLOWEEN, even though we had a MASSIVE IDENTITY COLLAPSE from it?? BUT we STILL FOUGHT THE GOOD FIGHT. That frightening time ENABLED us to HEAR & SEE & LISTEN to SOCIALS & "DAMAGED" 'FONI that otherwise were hidden, and the SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM WAS FRONTING & TALKING! So we actually GREW from this, in SELF-KNOWLEDGE & SELF-COMPASSION. And it's showing us WE ARE STRONG, EVEN IN OUR SUFFERING.

Which of your goals did you achieve? How did it benefit you?
● FINISHED THE HEADSPACE COLLAGE. Now we have a VISUAL REMINDER of WHAT MATTERS, and it OPENED UP HONESTY + DIALOGUE about the TRUTH of US-- and allowed us to connect with DONNA'S "SYSTEM"!
● WATCHED INSIDE OUT 2, in the FRONT ROW. Man if I wasn't already in love THAT WOULD'VE DONE IT. Watching her again, my heart was a firework. I NEEDED to feel that again, SO BADLY. And I also needed to remember that SHE struggles, too. So we can help EACH OTHER get through it all.

What could you do to make next week better?
● PRAY MORE. Seriously. DON'T LOSE FAITH.
● LOVE MORE. And BE SPECIFICALLY ATTENTIVE about it! Spend QUALITY TIME with SPECIFIC PEOPLE. Just BE with them.
● Just LIVE AS A SYSTEM, TOGETHER. The reason you're miserable is because you're CUT OFF FROM YOUR HEART & SOUL. Listen, no matter WHAT HAPPENS in life, in treatment or back in the apartment, or with family, YOU CAN ONLY FACE IT TOGETHER. YOU KNOW THIS. PLEASE. YOUR LIFE WILL ONLY BE TRULY RECOVERED IF YOU LIVE IT IN LOVE!!! SO START DOING THAT NOW, TOGETHER.

Rate how you found eating your meals & snacks every day. How could you make this easier next week?
2 / 5
PLEASE STOP FORCING YOURSELF TO ALWAYS EAT THE MOST "DIFFICULT/ FRIGHTENING" OPTIONS. You're NOT A COWARD for just WANTING TO HAVE A NICE MEAL SOMETIMES!!

Rate how you dealt with compensatory behaviors like purging or exercising this week. How could you make this easier next week?
3 / 5
Added Karofate to the meds & it has SIGNIFICANTLY reduced purge-trigger symptoms. Getting antsy though; not wanting to sit down & trying to "sneak in" exercise. I WANT TO BUILD MUSCLE but there's STILL SO MUCH FEAR OF "FAT." So the exercise is ALSO aiming to "BURN IT OFF." Some serious thoughts about going RIGHT BACK TO KETO. Scared, but at least recognizing this is concerning. Refusing to purge EVEN with awful pain/ reflux/ bloating. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. Committed to NOT ABUSE THIS POOR BODY ANYMORE.

Average mood this week:
2.5 / 5

Average sleep quality this week:
3 / 5

Average anxiety level this week:
4.5 / 5


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(SPECIAL GROUP BONUS EDITION!)


TOP THREE THINGS I DID THIS WEEK:
1. ANXI'S *INCIDENT* PRELUDES
2. SHRIMP/ CRAB/ HAM/ CANDY CHALLENGES
3. LIVING MORE MULTIPLE
4. REFUSING TO GIVE UP

THIS WEEK I FELT:
JOYFUL
HAPPY
NUMB
TEARFUL
SAD
IN LOVE
ANGRY

MOST REWARDING INTERACTIONS I HAD THIS WEEK:

NEXT WEEK I WANT TO:
✳ TALK TO MORE NOUSFONI & LET MORE OF US FRONT FREELY
✳ STOP ABUSING OURSELF WITH THE MENUS + TALKING OVERLOAD
✳ STOP FORCING TRAUMA FOODS!!!
✳ MAKE REAL, SIGNIFICANT RECOVERY PROGRESS
✳ Feel HOPEFUL about GOING "HOME"; being CONFIDENT that I WILL BE HAPPY & SAFE & CREATIVE & HEALTHY even there (LIVE AS US)
✳ POUR MYSELF OUT & BURN MYSELF UP IN SYSTEM LOVE-- BRING MY HEART BACK TO LIFE
✳ NOT LOSE HOPE.

THINGS I ACCOMPLISHED THIS WEEK:
● SINGING KARAOKE SOLO IN GROUP!
● FINISHED THE "HEADSPACE" COLLAGE!
● SURVIVED HALLOWEEN!
● OPENLY ADMITTED OUR D.I.D.!
● ALSO "CAME OUT" AS GENDERQUEER
● TONS OF JOURNALING AGAIN!
● CONTINUING SOY RE-CHALLENGES
● OWNED UP TO MY MISTAKES
● WATCHED INSIDE OUT 2! ♥

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WEEK?
1) FINALLY WATCHED INSIDE OUT 2 ♥
2) SO MANY OF US FRONTING ♥
3) ANXI, 100% ♥
✳ EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED UPSTAIRS. Physical life was scary & difficult, BUT there was STILL SO MUCH LOVE INSIDE, it LITERALLY KEPT ME ALIVE. I want to live FOR and IN it.

MY RANKING OF THE WEEK:
4.5 / 5