120423

[prismaticbleed]

 

Adoration
"We're in the same room as God and He's NOT smiting us?" BUT LAUDS GAVE US PSALM 5 IN RESPONSE.
"But I, through the greatness of your love, have access to your house. I bow down before your holy temple, filled with awe."

"Maybe He's giving us cancer"
"If I did, it would be out of love. It would be because you asked for it, out of love for your grandparents, to share in their crosses, and it would be a share in My Own as well. But it would all be for love. Nothing I do is for punishment. Sin is its own punishment, an i want to save you from it."
"Why would I take on all your legal punishment on the Cross if I was just going to throw it back at you?"

Also, asking for "sight," more "proof"
"You're not ready for that yet" "I don't want to give you any occasion of grave sin" concerning my mental state


Home for 930
IMMEDIATE OCD HELL.
Saying JUST the Saint Michael & Divine Mercy chaplets took ALMOST TWO HOURS.

YouTube "antiliberal" channel awful distraction. Saw the devil's number THREE TIMES.
I hate when "both sides" TAKE sides. The war isn't against humans, it's against Satan! Stop ridiculing and mocking each other. You're ironically furthering the devil's work by your pride.

Egg salt HELL PANIC.
We had previously "promised Mary" that since we're forbidden from bread & water fasts on Mondays, we'd at least "not put salt on anything." But we exercised for 2 hours this morning and we were "worried about electrolyte imbalances" so in a moment of very stupid weakness, we put salt into the eggs while they were frying.
INSTANT MORTAL SIN.
We had such a debilitating panic attack, we legit thought we were going straight to hell, it was TERRIFYING.
We ended up throwing away the eggs and doing them over plain, but not before having a shaking and sobbing meltdown in the middle of the kitchen for like a half hour.

BK at 215, finally. Exhausted.


Evening =
Looking at the kitchen snowflakes with Mimic
"They're just dollar-store plastic snowflakes, with cheap glitter."
"Yeah, but they look beautiful in the light, don't they?"
"...yeah, they do."

He quietly said something that BLINDSIDED me and it's been stuck in my heart:
"I could never see beauty until I met you"

No frills, he was that succinct.
I looked at him immediately after he said that, and he was looking up at those stupid beautiful little snowflakes, with the light sparkling off them in so many tiny pinpoints of color, and he had this expression that was just... so unlike anything i'd seen on him before. There was actual wonder, even vulnerability, if i could dare use that word. but he was seeing the beauty, like he said. his eyes had opened up suddenly.
i hope i remember how that moment felt, forever. all the colored light, the shimmering decorations, the soft quiet dark around us, the night silence. it felt like christmas did in 2013 before everything turned to blood.
thank You God for this tonight. it's real, honest, tangible hope.


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Universalis about Advent today.

I'm going to take this first bit apart a little, as follows, because that's the POINT of quoting these bits, not just to "collect data" =
"We... should always observe [Advent] with faith and love, offering praise and thanksgiving to the Father for the mercy and love He has shown us in this mystery. In His infinite love for us, though we were sinners, He sent his only Son..."
+ To free us from the tyranny of Satan, (no one else had such power. Don't forget how scary powerful the devil actually is. Yes, he's still a creature, and an absolute powerless weakling compared to God, but compared to humans? we're screwed. We had no way of fighting back or escaping by our own feeble efforts. But Jesus totally and absolutely crushed ALL the devil's power, because all power comes from God anyway and the time had come for the tables to turn forever, the time promised and unstoppable from the very beginning)
+ to summon us to heaven, (Heaven was effectively LOCKED after the Fall and before Christ. No one could get in until Jesus Himself unlocked the gates with human hands, as it were.)
+ to welcome us into its innermost recesses, (the curtain torn in half! Jesus literally calls us into HIS HEART.)
+ to show us truth itself, (He IS Truth, and He manifested it perfectly & purely in His actions & words)
+ to train us in right conduct, (by His teaching AND example, again. Like children, He knows we learn best by imitating what we see, and He perfectly exemplified the Law and its spirit both, with total Love)
+ to plant within us the seeds of virtue, (THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. we don't have the ability to do this ourselves!! Virtues, ESPECIALLY the Cardinal virtues, are GRACE-GIFTS FROM GOD.)
+ to enrich us with the treasures of His grace, (the generosity of God is astounding. We didn't deserve such gifts, such treasures, as He lavished upon us, but He gave them anyway... because He loves us, AND because the very gifts He gives TRANSFORM us in our receiving them. His gifts are never empty or purposeless; they ALWAYS benefit us for salvation.)
+ and to make us children of God and heirs of eternal life." (no child can birth itself, or adopt itself, or make itself an heir; we had no way of entering the family of God except through THE SON making us PART OF HIMSELF???)


"You know our hearts, Lord, but you are slow to anger and merciful in judging. Come, examine your Church, wash her clean of sin..."
I think actually of someone in a hospital, all bloody & dirty from struggle, and how they NEED to be thoroughly examined before they CAN be properly cleaned & healed!
As to how God can know the terrible state of our hearts, yet still be patient and merciful? That's because He loves us, His creations, who were MADE FOR LOVE, and He refuses to lose or destroy us unless we ourselves adamantly insist upon it BY sin. And even then, our judgment will be perfectly just, because it is decreed by the One Who seeks our highest good, always... even if that true and real good ultimately comes to necessitate the end of our depraved earthly life. For all we know, that might be the only thing possible that would move us to repent, even at the very last instant. But God knows, and THAT is why He does it-- because He never delights in death, only in Life, Which He Is.
...


"Come to us and save us, Lord God almighty. Let Your Face smile on us and we shall be safe."
...That is so deeply, achingly sweet.
It's all tied together. To be safe, we must be saved. To be saved, God must come to us. But how does He come-- in lightning and fire? Or does He come as a little baby, smiling sweetly at us all? It is in that very smile that our souls are safe, safe in the salvation that our God offers us BY His coming to us, closer than we ever dreamed, in the Incarnation. The Lord God Almighty became a tiny child that you can hold in your arms. THAT is how closely He comes to you-- yes, YOU, individually. That simple ineffable fact is, mysteriously entire in itself, absolute confidence of salvation, of the safety of our souls. There's no room for doubt, only faith, in such a pure display of love-- the smile of the Child remakes the whole world. Once you see His Face, your heart is changed forever. There is the hope-- the promise-- of eternal safety, in that precious smile.

This STUNNING translation of Philippians 3:20-21=
"We are waiting for our Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ, Who will transfigure these wretched bodies of ours into copies of His glorious Body. He will do that by the same power with which He can subdue the whole universe."
...WOW.
1) He WILL do all of this.
2) WE, TOO, WILL BE TRANSFIGURED.
3) COPIES OF HIM?????? What a word!! We won't just be "similar," or "kind of like Him," we will be COPIES, in the most beautiful sense--
4) THE POWER IRRESISTIBLE


From the Gospel =
"The citizens of Capernaum were no doubt waiting with confidence for salvation... but failed to take it when it came. Matthew the Jew is well aware of the position and promises of Israel, and yet he has no hesitation in telling us that in no one in Israel has Jesus found such faith. Are they all missing out on the promises? Well then, are we Christians waiting with a similar complacency, unaware that we are putting our trust elsewhere, so that the joy of Christ is passing us by? Will the feast in the Kingdom of Heaven be a jolly party of fellow-Christians, or will it be puzzlingly full of complete strangers, who have been more faithful to their God-given ideals and beliefs than Christians?"
1) First off-- yes, I am waiting for salvation, but am I waiting with confidence? And why am I waiting at all? Do I not see Christ, right there? He is coming again, even now in Advent-- am I confident enough in His Salvation TO "take Him" into my life when He comes? WHY AM I HESITANT EVEN NOW?
2) Jesus has made promises to YOU, too, baptized child, member of spiritual Israel, part of the Church. But are you missing out? Do you not realize that the requirement for every promise's fulfillment is FAITH? How can you receive if you fail to believe?
3) What are you complacent in? What are you ACTUALLY waiting for, so passively?
4) Where is your trust?
5) You aren't joyful.
6) God had given YOU ideals and beliefs to accept and follow. You know this; they constitute your very religion. Are you being faithful to it? Or are you playing the harlot? What ARE your ideals, really, you vain and distracted fool? What ARE your beliefs, actually, you deluded and stubborn sod?
...

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From a Christian mental health article =

"I spent daily time in the Word, attended Bible study, was careful to practice healthy habits, and was grateful for my sweet family. Yet, somehow I would find myself paralyzed in everyday situations by debilitating fear... despite all my efforts to "capture and replace" these horrible thoughts with God's Word, I was struggling day and night with chronic anxiety... It took years for me to understand this was [the onset of a real illness,] not a sudden inability to love the Lord."
1) "Healthy habits" and a strong faith life DO NOT "PREVENT" MENTAL ILLNESS.
2) GRATITUDE DOES NOT CURE MENTAL ILLNESS. I wish it did, believe me. But there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between ingratitude and an anxiety disorder.
3) That "capture and replace" thing (which I've never heard of until now) absolutely DOES work... normally. It's a way to "reprogram" your common thought focus to Scripture. But when you have intrusive thoughts, looping thoughts, ego-dystonic thoughts, flashbacks even... even if you're able to recite the whole Book of Psalms from memory, sometimes it actually doesn't stop the symptoms. I know it sounds impossible, even blasphemous. But please, believe me, it CAN happen. It doesn't mean I've fallen from grace... does it?
Man, this internalized prejudice really is a killer.
4) Having mental illness DOES NOT "TURN OFF" YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE.
..

"I remember, at the start of all this, trying to share what was going on with my friends and family. They are all believers and love me well. None of them had the language to help me understand that this experience was more than me needing to "capture my thoughts" better, pray more, or improve my spiritual practice (all things they advised and I diligently did). I had never met another believer that struggled like me. I felt wholly alone, ashamed, and completely paralyzed."
1) This is our entire life. It STILL makes us very scared & hesitant to interact with fellow churchgoers, for fear of scandalizing them or pushing them away from the faith, as well as an admitted terror of ourselves being "rejected from the Church" because we're now "revealed" to be "not a real Christian" BECAUSE we're mentally ill.
2)
3)
...

"I once read that those experiencing anxiety and depression need one person to call their "lifeline"-- someone safe that they can confess to that they are struggling. I expressed this idea to my spouse, and because he didn't have any context for mental illness outside of it being a selfish, spiritual failure, he could not understand what I was asking for."
This hurt so much to read.
1) We don't have, and have never had, a "lifeline"... outside. We as a System are this to each other.
Still, sometimes, it does ache, to be isolated from human comfort. Nevertheless it's a cross we will gladly bear.
2) The real trouble here: the somafoni won't admit the struggle.
3) ...PEOPLE LEGIT SEE MENTAL ILLNESS THAT WAY???? WHAT THE SHARK???
4) If a spouse cannot understand that you're asking for a compassionately active listener, that's genuinely distressing.
...


"...the paralyzing sense of shame that can be a common part of those experiencing anxiety or depression can appear to others as selfishness... [those others] feel that the person trapped in their mind is doing so out of a selfish motive. Yet, I think this idea that those trapped in their thoughts are always self-obsessed fails to see the whole picture of what mental illness often is. There are indeed personality disorders, behaviors, and other issues that are born out of self-obsession, but the suffering mostly stays stuck because they don't see a way out. We need God's light and the loving guidance of others to help us see the path to healing. Truth be told, we all are selfish, prideful, and broken. Yet, why say this battle for mental health is an especially "selfish" one, further alienating someone who already feels confused and alone?"
1) I never really realized just how MUCH shame there actually is, with having a mental illness-- especially the OCD and PTSD. You realize that you're abnormal.
2) Normally I'd ask, "how the heck does this register as selfishness??" But... today I saw those "moral high ground conservative" videos on YouTube, where there was NO compassion for those they disagreed with, just shocking mockery & jeers. Instead of feeling pity for those lost souls & speaking out in patient correction, or offering prayers, these video-makers were name-calling & making rude jokes at their expense. And, yes, at least one of their targets was apparently suffering from some sort of mental illness. They did not have proper help or language for it, thanks to our corrupt culture, and obviously had NO social support or help with managing or understanding it properly. But in this "reaction video," that poor person was treated as a laughingstock... and repeatedly damned as utterly selfish & self-absorbed. "Their parents failed," someone said. How cruel.
...
3) BEING "TRAPPED" IS NEVER SOMETHING YOU DECIDE TO DO, ESPECIALLY NOT "SELFISHLY"!!!
4) There is a difference between being trapped & suffering, and being obsessed & isolating.
5) ALL OF US ARE SINNERS.
6) Why ARE those with mental illness alienated?
...

"Part of the church's struggle with this topic stems from an incomplete understanding of the many verses that address our mental battles with fear and anxiety. Yes, God over and over comforts us, telling us that when we are afraid, we can trust Him. [BUT] God knows our minds are weak, and fear will be a part of our human experience. This is why He kindly addresses our fears with words of comfort, but somehow those same words have been a catalyst to point blame at ourselves or other believers as if we are lesser in our faith because we are enduring a battle of the mind."
TRUSTING IN GOD DOES NOT EXEMPT YOU FROM BATTLES.
1) GOD NEVER SAID WE WON'T BE AFRAID, ONLY THAT WE DON'T NEED TO BE. But He doesn't SHAME us for it!
2) Would God give you battles of faith to fight if you didn't have any faith? Don't get proud about that, it's nothing to boast in-- faith is a grace, you didn't earn it, it's not of yourself-- but honestly, let it give you courage and TRUST. God has SPECIFICALLY given you this cross to carry. He KNOWS what He's doing. So why beat YOURSELF up over it? Was this your decision? No. It's GOD'S decision. Let that humble you, and strengthen you, as you continue to fight, for whatever purposes He intends, even if you cannot see them. Trust Him and don't give up.

...

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