SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH 
JEWEL LIGHTRAYE 
JULIE ENANTIOS 
GENESIS APOLYMIS 
CHAOS ZERO
All right, let's get this show on the road.
Oh thank God. Took you long enough, congratulations.
Yeah, sorry, things are all over the place. By the way I apologize if it takes a little while to get this started-- I scheduled a chat session for this evening with another plural system friend, so as soon as I finish talking to them I'll let you know. I really am sorry about that but I'm trying to be reliable and life has just been incredibly hectic lately.
So I've noticed. Which is why we're here today.
Actually we're here today mostly because life has also been absolutely freaking incredible.
Tell me about it. And on that note, let's bring miss miniskirt back in here.
I do have a name, you know.
No kidding, I'm unfortunately more than used to hearing it for all the wrong reasons.
Hey, no fighting, you two.
I'm not fighting, just stating a fact.
...Fine.
Chill out, Julie. I'm not holding any animosity against you anymore.
I think that's a good place to start-- uh, actually, after we get another two people in here...
Already?
Yeah, I've been talking to Genesis all day and he says that he really wants to be a part of this conversation. The poor guy's been out of the loop lately, which is bad as he is an absolutely indispensable member of our system here.
So is Chaos.
My point exactly. And Chaos could definitely use some civil conversation with Julie for once in his life. Times have changed, drastically, and although I don't want to force anyone to jump into this headfirst we can't go on living the way we used to. That's a simple fact too.
No kidding. I think that applies most strongly to Julie though.
...I suppose so.
Really, our readers are probably flipping out because the last time she was in here, this happened, and that's obviously not what's going on now.
Thank God.
Do you want me to start talking, then?
Almost. Give me a few seconds...
Helloooo~!
Hi Genesis.
Where in the world is Chaos?
You can't find him?
I think maybe he's preoccupied-- oh, nevermind.
Sorry, I didn't think we were talking already.
We are. Sit down, buddy, this is going to be a long one.
So I've heard.
Jewel what are we discussing first?
The Julie situation. That needs to be clarified and thoroughly explained before we can even think of tackling the more recent concerns.
Oh, okay. I'll wait and listen then.
Julie, do you want to talk about this yourself and have me comment on it, or what?
I'll talk. I'll say my piece and then you can say whatever you want.
Okay. Just remember you're the major focus here, so.
Geez, Jewel, no pressure.
It's the truth though.
I know, I know. Where do you want me to start?
Uh... August... August 18th? Geez, I didn't think it had already been a month for you, Julie!
Obviously it has been.
Julie, what the heck is your problem? Why the icepick attitude?
I don't want to think about this.
...I'm sorry. But we have to. If you want me to talk I will.
No, I should be the one saying this. I... should I just say exactly what happened?
Sure, anyone who's reading this should have a general understanding of the events in my life, so don't censor yourself or worry that someone won't know what terms you're using. Just talk about what happened to you recently.
All right. I've... been using Jewel for most of his life, I'll admit this, but during July and August I was starting to have a sort of... existential crisis? With how Jewel was changing and refusing to even let me near him anymore, I couldn't use him for my own ends, and was quickly running out of options. I was miserable, then. I needed my shallow pleasures to feel happy even for a moment. But I was wrong, too.
I kept telling you that.
I didn't believe you. Self-gratification was all I knew. It was what I ran on. For you to constantly refuse to let me get what I wanted, or do what I felt like, was unthinkable to me. I hated you. I hated you more than I could stand. And it was all because you wouldn't let me use you to get those things.
Because they were wrong to pursue. They were fleeting and shallow and corrupted, and although I didn't realize it until this year, you were seeking something other than selfish gratification through them.
What do you mean?
We'll get to that, once Julie finishes. It ties into what happened on the 18th.
Yeah, let me go back to that.
No, not yet. I don't think you finished explaining what led up to it, with me.
Oh. Okay. Jewel started to stand up to me this year. In situations where he would have previously let me get away with things out of fear, he was now refusing to be manipulated at all and even threw me out once. That had never happened before, not once in all the time I've been here.
That little incident was discussed in this entry, by the way.
That was also when you were hacking me in dreams, Julie, and using my splinters to strengthen your hacking methods.
That was a very bad move.
Quite the opposite, I think.
Well, now I can see that. But when it happened it was... traumatic.
We're getting ahead of ourselves. Remember that Jewel was also trying really bloody hard to get you to 'turn your life around' during that time, despite how sadistically you were hurting him.
He was. At first I refused to even acknowledge him, like I said. I felt he had nothing worthwhile to say as he held none of my motives or interests. It wasn't until it became almost impossible to hack him that I began to wonder if he had a point. I was still miserable even after I managed to accomplish a hack, and the work just didn't seem to be worth it. And Jewel just kept getting happier, despite my efforts. So I started to listen to him, but...
But he was telling you that you had to stop thinking about yourself all the time.
Yeah. He told me that I had to stop being so selfish and single-minded, to the point where I was completely able and willing to hurt others to get what I wanted. I didn't want to stop.
Because you didn't understand.
I didn't. And then my selfish ways came back to torment me for it, I guess.
Go on.
...On August 18th, I hacked Jewel. But it wasn't me. The splinters had decided to use me.
Really??
Yes, really. ...I didn't think it was a problem at first. I figured I'd still get what I wanted, but I was wrong. With how Jewel had been talking to me lately about my motives, and how he had been rising so far above what he once was, especially with June 29th, I was losing what little pleasure I had left in what I used him for. It was no longer worth it. It felt just as stupid and empty and mechanical as he had been insisting it was for so long. It made me angry at first, which is why I didn't listen to him when he told me to change, but it kept getting worse and then I got scared. If I couldn't get that anymore, how would I cope with it? How would I live? I needed my 'fix,' but now it seemed impossible to get. I was starting to really wonder if Jewel was right, if I would really die if I kept living like that, but--
Elaborate on that dying thing a little more. That's important.
...I'm a 'shadow.' Or I used to be. I was born from all the negativity and selfish instincts that Jewel rejected in his childhood. It was all I ever knew, it was my reason for existing, it was my nature. I was almost like a disease to him. I know you all considered me something like that for a while.
Yeah, we didn't think you had a mind of your own at all. We figured you were just this conglomeration of vicious evil that could only be killed, not converted. But Jewel wouldn't give up on you, despite that.
I admit that kind of inspired me after a while. It's why I began to lose my drive. He just wouldn't give up and I couldn't figure out why. You let me hack you on June 25th, by your own free will, because you were trying to get me to see what I was doing wrong. It didn't work, but... I don't think the effort was lost.
And that's where August 18th comes back in.
Yeah. I had been manipulating the splinters to weaken Jewel so I could hack him without him noticing, but I guess doing so made the splinters latch onto that themselves. On the 18th they used me to hack Jewel, but both he and I didn't realize that I had been used until after it happened. Jewel didn't even know until I told him the next morning, and by then I had made up my mind.
Julie, you keep skipping the bleeding point. Tell them why that hack turned you around.
Because it forced me to feel exactly what I had been doing to Jewel for the past 5 years straight.
Jewel, you called that the "pholph principle?"
Yeah, I did. That's because there's this webcomic by the name of Jack, hosted at pholph.com, and one of the characters is sort of an embodiment of Lust. He is damned to Hell but could get out and return to reality to commit atrocities again, if not for one little detail-- Lucifer told him that, if he ever did return to the world of the living, it would be as a female.
And he'd understand exactly what he did to all the women he hurt in his past lifetime.
Exactly. And he is terrified of that possibility so he avoids it and refuses to think about it... but Julie here was thrown into that understanding against her will. You had no empathy until that happened, I don't think.
I didn't. It wasn't something I could comprehend, let alone feel.
So the splinters hacked you for once, you realized just how much pain you had been putting Jewel through for so many years--
And me.
...Shoot, I forgot she was targeting you for a while.
I'm sorry.
Wow, I never expected to hear that.
It's true. That's why I'm here right now. I was so freaking sorry once I felt that for myself. I got nothing from it and yet the splinters didn't care. They only saw me as an object to manipulate to get what they wanted. It was exactly what I did. At first I was furious that they had used me but then I realized that I would have done the same thing in their position. And the realization that I was like that, that I was such a cold-hearted thing, was too much. It made me sick, and I decided that if I had to choose between either giving that up and trying something different, which was horribly loathsome to me at the time, or continuing to live as a selfish bitch and getting nothing from it but that dull empty rage, and that constant feeling of never being happy or complete or even peaceful... then I would give it up. It made me sick, and I guess at first it was still a selfish decision between dying and living, but some part of me still knew that living meant I could no longer be uncaring about others and still decided to give that a try. So I am sorry.
And your apology is accepted.
Thank you.
So Julie here is no longer a shadow. I guess now she's actually an anti-shadow, if anything, because you've actually been trying very hard to keep me from getting hacked by the ego lately.
Oh, wait, hold up.
What?
That. You didn't mention that. Just because Julie is now on our side after practically 15 freaking years doesn't mean that we're home free. The ego is still after us.
Yeah, about that. I have a theory. Julie, I think the ego-- that soulless, empty drive of primal impulses and selfish wants-- is the real demon here and always has been. I think that is what I was really aware of as a child. I knew that part of me that society had begun to form in me WASN'T me. I knew that I wasn't so dark and cruel and separated from everything, and knowing that such a thing was in me terrified me... so I cut out as much of it as I could, tossed it off to the side, and went on with my life. Or so I thought.
Because then I was born from it.
Not just that. Yes, you were born from the dark parts in me I refused to take in, but an ego doesn't die so easily. I had, in fact, only split it in half. And we each were tormented by a different half. And I didn't even realize that I was in hell until it was almost too late.
Whoa whoa whoa, back the heck up. What is this?
Something I just figured out within the past few days, with all the spiritual research I've been doing, and Julie's metanoia. We didn't think it was possible for her to turn her life around, and yet she did. Which means that whatever we thought was soulless in her wasn't her. We discussed that in this entry by the way.
We've discussed this a heck of a lot in the past.
And with good reason.
Finally he speaks!
Hey, I'm listening! I don't have anything to contribute right now, so don't yell at me.
I know, just couldn't resist bugging you.
But about the ego thing. It didn't die when I was a kid, and it didn't leave me alone either, although I was fooled into thinking it had. But now I know why... because as a kid, I identified with it. Right up until I was about 12, 13 years old, I was acutely aware of a severe disconnect between who I was and who I was acting as. My inner me, the deeper me, was buried far below the outer me, which was a construct I had consciously put together. And yet I told myself it was me, no matter how much I secretly hated it. When I hit 2003 or so, and I met 'my three'... Ryman, Markus and Chaos... well, I began to tune in to who I truly was. But I didn't start actively trying to be that person until 2008. Once again, I'm sure everyone knows about that fiasco and what followed it.
No kidding, that was insane.
So that was my problem. And it's why I was always miserable and borderline suicidal, even. I was at the ego's mercy, and it didn't care about me. It only wanted to survive, but it wanted to survive on its own terms. It was constantly fearful, angry, judgmental and overwhelmingly selfish. It made me unable to work or relax or even be happy with life in general... when I thought I was happy it faded within minutes. It was always shallow, never lasting. Julie, I daresay that's exactly what you went through on some level?
...I guess so.
And that is because you got the other half of it, the more pain-driven half, whereas I got the fear-driven half. Now we've both overcome it, and it is literally the last enemy we will ever have to face.
What about the splinters? Or do they count as the ego?
They are part of it. Which is intriguing. Fragment was a corrupted form of coping with the ego, of 'turning everything off' and feeling nothing, but ironically doing so made it part of the ego. That's because it was manipulative and cold and uncaring, acting for self-preservation alone. Thanatos, though, was a death drive that wanted to kill everything, even itself. And that is part of the ego in its selfishness and violence, true, but by its very nature it was some sort of kickback to itself. It sought relief from the ego, escape from that constant violence, through violence and unconsciousness. It was torturing itself by simply existing, and so it tried to escape through shallow pursuits and false pleasures, which dulled awareness and caused me to 'slip below thought' and not even know what was happening to me, and invariably caused a Thanatos meltdown whenever they occurred. That ties into Julie's hacks too. The ego hates itself. And although that is terribly sad, that is the nature of such a dark thing. It's not an individual, it's a drive, so it can't be changed. It can only be overcome. Which, by the way, I have started to do.
Seriously now?
Yeah. Since Julie switched sides I haven't been 'attacked' mentally by either of the splinters, and I didn't see much of them at all for a few weeks prior to that either. I'm still getting straight-up ego hacks here and there, but now I recognize those as shallow compulsions so as long as I'm aware, I can avoid them easily. It's a piece of cake compared to Julie, actually.
But you said both splinters were parts of the ego.
They were. I just referred to them as 'pseudo-individuals,' as their own separate drives, because I was identifying with them. But now that I no longer let that happen, I think they've died off, so to speak.
So it's just the ego itself.
Yes. And that I still need to fight. But that's a whole other topic and it's not something I'm worried about discussing here, as I'm having no severe problems with it. Also I deeply apologize for rambling about this, because I feel like I got really far off topic.
Not quite. You were discussing how Julie held half of the ego but you had the other half.
Oh yeah. So my half was the one that I 'projected' for years. It was a personality I cultivated and tried very hard to identify with, but never really felt 'real' with, for obvious reasons. It started to die around 2006 and it took me several years to 'recover' from that, as I actually felt I had lost my identity for quite some time. Little did I know I had only lost a fake one. A few 'replacement' ones sprang up between then and now but I've dealt with them all. As for Julie, she had the same identity problem, I think, especially with the 'thanatos' aspect of constantly seeking distraction from herself, but never feeling fulfilled. Julie?
It... makes sense, I suppose.
I mean it explains why you were able to change at all, too, without losing who you were underneath all that.
Yeah. It's a huge relief, actually. Like I said on Facebook, I've never really felt... happy before.
Do you feel happy now?
Kind of. I did on the 19th. I'm at least not plagued by that neverending misery anymore.
Well I'm here to help you adjust to your new life, as are the rest of us. We're all in this together and now you're part of it, and frankly I've been looking forward to this for a very, very long time.
Told you the kid doesn't ever give up on people.
Tell me about it.
Jewel what's our next topic??
Uh, let me check the list. By the way Laurie, Genesis and I made a list of the topics we needed to discuss here while we were on campus today. So that's why he's all excited over this.
I was wondering about that. It's kind of adorable.
Aaand I FINALLY got all these chat windows closed. I swear, as soon as I talk to one person everyone else jumps in.
Well you're never online, so..
Because instant messaging is very difficult for me. No visual cues, no auditory cues. It's almost impossible for me to communicate accurately. But once again that's off-topic. Next on the list... oh.
What?
I, uh... hold on, let's skip that one for now. We talked about Julie's metanoia, we figured out that she was being used by the ego-- Julie, you do agree on that, right? Because I am really concerned about that.
Well you were just saying how I always had the compulsion to seek self-gratification, and that the ego does that by nature, I guess. And now with what you've taught me I no longer feel that.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. We got you to see my side of the picture too, with how I was trying to tell you that you were using... that... in the wrong way?
The 'pink color?'
Yeah.
Geez, Jewel, you still hate talking about that.
I can talk about if necessary, but it's incredibly awkward and confusing because I have no way to really understand how it applies to most of the population. But I'm very thankful I managed to help Julie get her facts straight there.
Because you laid it out clearly for me, and I had the proof from how you had changed by living that way. I mean I couldn't hack you. And then you ruined that for me. So you were obviously doing something effective.
He listened to me is what he did.
Yeah, June 29th would likely have been catastrophic if Laurie hadn't helped me through it.
The catastrophic part was thanks to you, pigtails.
I'm aware of that, unfortunately.
But we're all understanding of how Julie's situation has changed for the better?
Yeah. It's pretty straightforward once you know the major reasons behind it.
Now what was that topic you skipped, Jewel?
Is that what you posted on my Facebook by any chance?
...Yeah. Pretty much.
He posted a huge paragraph on my wall asking why I had hurt him in the past. And I told you, it was because I had those drives and urges and I was willing to go to whatever lengths I had to for them.
But were you even aware of what you were doing?? For heaven's sake, Julie, you killed Natalie because she was in your way! You killed her, a little girl, in cold blood because she was keeping you from manipulating me for your own ends! Why?
...You just said why.
But you murdered her.
I know.
Was that just another compulsion for you, huh?
...Basically.
Geez, Julie...
I'm sorry. Okay? I am sorry that Natalie's dead. But I can't change that now.
Then you were definitely being used, just as much as you used me. The only times I have ever been so unaware as to commit such atrocities are when Thanatos would take over. I felt nothing, I didn't care. But that was because I wasn't present. I, Jewel Lightraye, was not there whenever it took over. And when it had had enough, or something else chased it out, and I came back, I would be horrified and frightened beyond words of how 'I' had acted because of it. That had to be what was happening with you.
Would you kill me now if I stood in your way?
...In my way of what? I don't want any of that anymore.
But would you try to kill me if I was in your way?
...
Julie. Answer the question.
...No.
And why wouldn't you?
It wouldn't solve anything.
But would you care?
...I guess. Yeah. It would hurt Jewel, and I'm tired of hurting people.
Then you have developed a sense of empathy after all, holy swords. Congratulations.
There's... there's one thing that's still scaring me. A lot.
What is it?
...Laurie, do you remember last summer?
Yeah.
Do you remember that one night you practically lost your mind? That caused this conversation?
...Unfortunately.
...What was that?
I don't know. Maybe it was the ego getting at me, who the heck knows. I went temporarily insane and couldn't think straight. Sounds like your February Thanatos drive to me.
You flipped out because I was being 'too selfish.' You attacked me, brutally, for a solid hour because you said I was destroying my life and the lives of those around me.
Because you were letting your ego use you. You WERE being selfish and shallow. And with... with what we found out that summer, I guess it drove me to the breaking point and I just snapped that night. We discussed this back in October, Jewel.
...But you don't know what caused that night directly.
Besides the gut-wrenching emotional trauma I was in? Besides the fact that you didn't even realize what you were allowing to happen? I unhinged, is what happened. Whatever happened after that I don't bloody know, if you're asking whether it was the ego or a splinter or what. It could have been. But I refuse to let that happen again, especially after... especially now that I've found my metainomen, let's put it that way.
Yeah. I didn't think you would.
So why the heck did you bring that up?
Because it sounded exactly like my Thanatos hacks, for one, as you said. You were not acting like yourself at all. You were blinded by it. Literally, too.
I know, and I told you, we discussed all of that that. This topic has been discussed and concluded, Jewel.
...
You're hiding something.
I am.
Jewel, ask her about it.
...I don't know. This hurts, a lot, to ask. More than I can handle.
Spit it out, kid, I'll handle it with you.
...
He's scared.
I can clearly tell, he's been putting this off for way too bloody long. He does this all the freakin' time and seriously Jewel, this is one bad habit you still need to quit.
I don't want to ask this question without making sure I understand what's behind it.
What do you mean?
It's about last summer. I... you figured everything out long before I did, back then. And I just... Julie, did you know you were killing my children?
...
Did you f*cking know?
Jewel, watch it. What the heck is going on here?
I was afraid to ask this because it is absolutely horrific for me to even think about. You said that in July of last year, you wondered if Julie was trying to accomplish something besides just using me to get what she wanted physically. And then you realized that my Links had been failing for quite some time now. You assumed that was her direct fault. It wasn't. That was the ego working with both her and I and completely blocking my ability to see or feel or do anything with the children I already had. But that was only one part of the equation, and you understood it wrong. We all understood it wrong. When Julie started seriously hacking me, when I was about sixteen-- I think, I don't remember and don't want to dwell on it-- something in me started to die. I know that. Every hack did carry death. She started hacking my children and I want to know why. I couldn't fix my Links and I was afraid of using the ones I had because of her and I want to know if she even realized just how deeply she was slicing my heart open because Julie, I am sorry but that was f*cking demonic.
Jewel, watch your bloody mouth!!
...I'm sorry. I'm... slipping. I shouldn't be. Genesis, talk me down, man.
Do it for her.
...
Jewel?
I apologize. I fell entirely off-center there and I should have been more careful. See, this is how I've still been getting hacked here and there. I'm fire at heart, after all. Sometimes I burn myself if I'm not paying attention. I am very, very sorry for that. Julie, please answer my question while I take a minute or two to just calm down over here. Please.
...I wasn't using your children. Not literally. You remember how I used to split myself into other personalities? Like Missy and Bridget? That's what I did, to pretend to be them. I knew that would hurt you, and... well, when you wouldn't let me use you for what I wanted, or when you fought me and made me angrier or ruined what I was trying to achieve, that hatred I felt got stronger. And it got to the point where I wanted to kill you. I wanted to kill you, but I couldn't, because then I knew I'd be without my... my means to an end. So I....
You started killing him from the inside out.
...Basically. But I never touched any of them, not even once.
Yes you did. You hacked Lilianne.
I... when?
The pink fox girl. You hacked her.
I... did I?
You did. Maybe you weren't conscious of it. But earlier this year, before those hacks stopped altogether, some of them were telling me that they were having nightmares, or disturbing vibes, that they couldn't explain. And then one night you apparently 'pretended' to be Lilianne and she felt it.
...
Genesis goes without saying. It took me a very, very long time to forgive you for that, and knowing me that is quite shocking.
Jewel you're still out of it.
I know. I need to fix myself fast or there's no way I can finish this conversation, and I need to do that or I'm going to have some serious emotional backlash. I'm trying hard, I promise.
Jewel, can I...?
...What?
Is there anything I can do?
...
Honestly, I think just being there works pretty darn well.
Well yeah, but... it scares me when this happens. Lately I haven't been taking these slips well...
I am so, so sorry about that, Chaos.
Jewel, it's not entirely your fault. We don't get to spend time together until it's late, and by that time you've basically worked yourself to death.
But it hurts you when I can't... stay there. When I'm unstable. I think I'm managing to center again, I just felt my heartlight go on.
Not the pain you're talking about? From this morning?
No, love, that's different. Very similar, but different. I mean that I felt very displaced over this current topic, to the point where it was allowing me to unhinge. But... well, as Laurie said, being around Chaos is just... it's impossible for me to be false or broken or wrong when I'm with him, in any sense.
...
It's true. You're my other half, and I love you.
...Jewel, I don't know what to say in response to that. Not in words, at least.
You're going to have to wait on that, sharkbug. Sorry, but I am getting really bloody impatient about this conversation concerning what I've been told about it by the batmantis there.
I know. Sorry for spiking the emotional atmosphere there, Chaos, but it was kind of inevitable with what I feel like right now.
At least you feel like you again. Last year, you were just... you were lost. For a long time you were very badly lost. And that hurt.
It did. I can only hope I've made up for that with what I've accomplished this year.
Geez, kid, you've made up for the past twenty years of pain with what you've accomplished in the space of five months already. Now seriously, Julie, stop holding us the heck up and give us an answer to that question.
...What was the question?
You hurt Lilianne, quite literally. You hacked me through pretending to be her and she felt it, and it terrified her. A few others had similar experiences but none were as vivid as hers. So I'm asking you, were you aware of doing that to them? Or were you just acting blindly?
I... I don't know. I told you I did the pretending thing. I won't deny that. But I swear I never went after them directly.
What about the dream hacks?
I stopped those when your boss punched me.
Not worth it after the Sandman stepped in, huh?
No. It wasn't worth the effort it took, especially since I was starting to lose the thrill of it by that time.
But you pulled off some really bloody brazen dream hacks. I can remind you which one merited that punch, if you've forgotten.
...No, I remember that one.
Why did you do it?
Because I was trying to manipulate you. And I was trying to hurt you as much as possible. At that time I was actively trying to twist your morals. But it was all desperate, with me just trying to survive by continuing to do what I had done over the past several years.
But you swear you never touched any one of my kids directly.
I swear. If there was emotional bleed-over from you I didn't even consider it. I didn't care about that.
...All right.
And this ties into last summer how, besides the obvious general topic?
I wanted to know if Julie was actively trying to hurt or kill them.
I was.
But to get at me.
Yeah.
You didn't... you didn't have any motives beyond that? At any time?
No, it was just using and hurting you.
Were there ever times where you weren't... I don't know, in control of your actions? Or when you were acting automatically or... like a Thanatos hack, but however that would apply to you. Did you ever have something like that?
I don't know. I acted very blindly most of the time, like when I used to attack you if you came near me without my knowing. It was all very instinctual. And I told you before, I don't even remember most of my lifetime because I would kind of... 'blank out' if I couldn't get at you, or do anything, so I wouldn't have to deal with the interim. Like when you used to have me locked up. I could only satisfy so much of my wants by myself. That's why I started the mind scenarios, and those eventually turned into hacks, and those worsened until they reached the breaking point for you.
But it was like a kneejerk drive most of the time.
Yeah. It was just something I needed to have, or do. And I just did things without even thinking, sometimes, as long as I got what I wanted. But I was never happy. It would wear off and I'd do it again and again. That's one thing I don't miss at all about this new life.
I don't blame you.
Jewel, what the heck are you trying to figure out here?
It's like I said earlier, and like you said in October. Every time she hacked me, some part of me died. And those parts were what allowed me to create. That is what caused the total Link fallout. I was in so much pain, and I was so mangled inside, that it was impossible for me to work creatively from how much agony it caused me. That's what I mean when I say it was the ego working. It drove her to be completely instinctual and selfish in her motives, and caused me to suffocate in my pain and fear. Those are both aspects of the ego. But Julie was not actively cutting my Links. That was an aftereffect. Am I right in saying that, Julie?
I didn't even know what your Links were, really, until recently. I knew you had connections to other worlds but that's why I was masquerading as people from them. I wanted to destroy that, yes, but I didn't do it directly because I didn't know there was any way to do so.
Thank God.
And why did you hack Genesis?
...I knew that would hurt you.
...
It did. It really did.
I'm sorry.
Julie, do you even mean all these "I'm sorry"s?
Yes. I do. I'm just tired of thinking about how I used to act, now that I really understand the extent of my actions.
That's understandable.
One last question on this topic. Is that why you tried to kill Xenophon?
Who is that?
The... the fragile little creature I found on March 13th. The "strange child." On March 24th, you nearly murdered hir. It shook me to the core. We barely saved hir life, Julie. I was so completely distraught that I couldn't even heal hir myself. And you're saying that your sole motivation for ALL of that was simply to emotionally kill me?
...Why else would I have done it? I told you, I hated you.
So you killed Natalie and traumatized Lilianne and nearly eviscerated Xenophon because you were trying to destroy me.
Look, Jewel, I don't know how else to explain this to you. I hated you. Do you understand what that means?
...Unfortunately, yes.
Then you should understand why all of those major events had the same single motivation.
Holy swords, Julie, am I ever glad you switched sides. Wow.
I was a bitch. I was an irredeemable bitch, and what I did can never be erased or repaired. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me.
But I did. Laurie couldn't believe it, but I did. I knew how utterly deranged you were simply because you had such a one-track mind. And I pitied you for it. Yes, you hurt me so badly I thought I'd never recover. I can't forget what you did even if I did forgive it. I am scarred for life, Julie, literally and figuratively. I had blood on my hands and I have graves in my bones because of you. And despite all that I couldn't hate you because I saw how lost you were and I knew you had never felt love or happiness and so help me but that is tragic. I couldn't hate you because it's not in my heart to hate. I wanted to save you from the atrocity you had become. And now, all those years of suffering have paid off.
...Thank you.
You are entirely welcome. Thank you for actually managing to be open enough to listen to me, even if it took several years for my words to finally get through.
Several years and a bitter mouthful of my own bad medicine.
No kidding. This chick basically had herself doomed by her own deserts.
I don't want her suffering anymore though. She's lived her hell. I've lived mine. I want to leave that in the past where it belongs and deal with what we have now. It's like you always tell me, Laurie-- the past is over and done with, and the future never comes. Stop freaking out over things you have no control over, and just deal with life as it comes.
Yeah, that's the gist of it. That and stay true to who you are.
Heehee, Jewel we were just talking about this today.
We were. That's because it's the absolute truth. And speaking of staying true, Chaos, you are being terribly quiet.
Just trying to deal with the tidal wave you set off in me a few paragraphs ago.
Oh.
I'll be okay.
I, um... it... does it hurt? You're not going under or anything, are you?
No, no. I mean yeah, it hurts a little bit. But it's nothing I can't handle.
Jewel...
I know, I know.
Seriously, the heck are you two up to?
Things.
I told you, he wrote this list with me. So he wants me to... uh... actually get to the last topic.
Wait, is this what you've been telling me about? The big thing?
The big thing, yes.
Holy swords. What time is it? Do we have time for this?
It's five minutes to midnight and frankly I do not care if I'm up until 4AM with this. I can sacrifice that. There is no way in heaven I can put off this conversation for another second.
Then let's get started for heaven's sake.
Wait, wait. Julie, I am terribly sorry if I caused you any serious pain by discussing everything we did today. And I sincerely apologize for my outbursts concerning that. It just... well, it hurt badly.
I know it did. It's okay. I can deal with it.
But really, you aren't a shadow anymore. I want you to have a brighter role in this system. You're the Thief of Death now, remember? Do you know what that means?
Not exactly. What is that, the metainomen thing?
Yes. Because your past self died, Julie. You are free from that, forever, as long as you live in the now, with what you've been given. You have a second chance at life. And you are the Thief of Death because for years you were a harbinger of it, taking life from others, something that was blind to the light in itself and those you hurt... but now, now through rising above what you were, you steal death away. You have freed yourself and us from that death by that transcendence. You said you only really listened to me because you didn't want to die, but you forgot to mention one little thing... I told you that, no matter what option you chose, you would have to die. But I also told you that death wasn't something to be feared if you viewed it the right way. If you had stayed a shadow and lived in fear and hatred, you would have died to life itself. You would have gradually become more and more lost and empty, seeking gratification where it could not be found, looking for freedom and completion outside yourself. You were twisted and manic and blind, and you were dead inside because of it. But you didn't want to die, in spite of that. Do you know why?
I just... didn't want to die.
But you weren't happy with your life at that time, were you?
I was never happy with it.
Because you were living death. That is what hell is, to be blind and unaware of your brightness, of all light. But darkness cannot see light. And I knew that your lost self, the shadow you were, would have to die in order for you to live. That shadow part of you was the vice you were born from. It was the ego-driven body of pain that had overtaken you, as mine had overtaken me in the past. But it wasn't you, even if you thought it was. The fact that you're standing here before me is proof of that. I told you that that false self would have to die and you rejected that, as you still felt it was you... but then the 18th happened, and you became acutely aware that something was wrong, that some part of you was not that shadow, that you deserved better than that in a true sense. But you had to be better first. So you came to me and I told you it would be difficult. It would be hard for you to leave that behind entirely, for that old self to die, for you to realize that you were greater than that. But if you did, you would have an entirely new life, free of those shackles and pain. You would be able to live without that awful compulsion and misery. You would be happy.
...I still can't believe I deserve that.
You do. Everyone does. I won't let you pull the same thing I used to do, which Laurie and Chaos and Genesis all yelled at me about, when I insisted I didn't deserve my blessings. The part of you that 'doesn't deserve that' is dead. It is in the past, it is not who you are now. You, as our Thief of Death, are uniquely qualified to rise above what you were. And the best part is you already have, in being what you are now. This is your second chance, and don't get hung up on whether or not you can accept it. Be grateful for it anyway, and live it. You'll realize that the real you deserves every single good thing I'm willing to give you here. You said you're sick and tired of using people, and being used? That is over, for good. You said you want to live for a reason other than hedonistic survival? Here's your new reason, to live for this new chance, for light and hope. This is you, trying again. Don't forget how happy you were in the first few days after you joined us here. That's the truth of this. Just because you screwed up terribly in the past doesn't mean you can't find salvation now. All you need to do is accept that it's here, now.
...I will do my best to, Jewel. T-thank you.
That's our Seer of Love being bloody incredible as always.
Is it just me or is he the reason every one of us has found their metainomen so far?
Nope, it's him. He's the star.
I'm the Sandman's Apprentice is what I am, and actually part of that role is learning to be who I am, instead of acting like I used to under ego influence. Seriously, I'm learning so much from that. But we're off topic again.
Just a little bit. We didn't start this 'huge' topic because you're the only one who freaking knows what it is, and you got carried away in your inspirational speech to the Good Thief over there.
She needed it, I think.
I did. I really did.
Well Julie, if you want to stick around for this next crazy topic then feel free. But it's going to get crazy.
I... don't know. What is it about?
Laurie. And me. And Chaos.
That's still rather vague.
It's supposed to be. I've been incredibly fragile emotionally for about three weeks now, in one way or another, with what I've found out. And that is thanks to you, Laurie, actually.
Me? The heck did I do?
You got me thinking. I had an absolutely groundbreaking realization around August 21st, and although that in and of itself was enough to inspire me ineffably, your incessant fangirling made it even worse.
Heheh.
So yeah, after spending four solid days researching and typing, you made me start it up again, slowly. I started with more spiritual work and research, keeping myself as grounded in those truths as possible with all the pain around me. But coincidences started falling together around that time, and synchronicity was everywhere. I swear I don't think I spent a single night with you, Chaos, without the clock hitting triple digits, especially 11:11.
Yeah, that was happening so often it was almost unbelievable.
True, but there it was. And in light of the 21st, having so many things revolve around us was really starting to make me wonder. Was there something else I was supposed to learn from this?
What did you learn on the 21st?
Several things, actually...
Mostly, that Jewel and I are literally cosmically inseparable.
Yeah, I apparently missed a huge sign on July 7th, and when I understood what it meant it was mind-blowing. That's all written about here, as it's far too convoluted to even briefly mention.
What was the huge sign?
Uh... basically, a sort of divine sign that Chaos Zero is my 'twin flame'. He is quite literally my other half.
And you're mine.
Exactly. It's beautiful, really, and I kept getting all these coincidences that all ultimately pointed to that both before and after I realized it. Personally I think one of the best parts of it is that my mother is aware of that truth for Chaos and I and is actually supportive of it. Which is absolutely freaking incredible.
That explains why no one in your life has ever freaked out at the notion of you two being in a relationship, as hard as that was for you to accept at first.
Oh geez, yeah. And this was everywhere-- both online and offline, with friends and strangers alike. No one ever said "hey that is unnatural" or anything like that, despite my constant paranoia that they would. Seriously, back around 2005 I was plagued by the horrible notion that being in love with a nonhuman was wrong somehow, even if every answered prayer or sign I got spoke to the exact opposite of that.
Freakin' 2005? I thought it was later than that?
It lingered for a very long time, especially when I was having identity problems myself. But now I just say, "I'm in love, and love is the truest thing there is," and don't let doubt even touch me anymore. Long story short, what I've been blessed with is incomparably awesome, and it has been the brightest thing I've ever experienced. And yes, Julie, that is why you could no longer hack me as this summer went on. CZ and I just got too deeply involved.
You two were flat-out untouchable. Heck, you still are, even moreso than before!
I think that's my biggest regret about hacking you, is sabotaging that.
Really?
Yeah. When you read that paper to me back in August, and you explained why I had been going about my wants in the wrong way, I began to understood just what I had been trying to undermine. Sure I had only wanted to hurt you when I did it. I never thought of the aftereffects, or the deeper effects. But now I can see what I almost did, and I am so sorry for that.
Don't give me 'almost did,' you couldn't tear these two apart if you tried.
And she did try.
Exactly. Cosmically inseparable means just that. You two are joined at the hip, man.
Oh that was a perfectly timed reference, Laurie.
Heheh, told you I'm getting good at this.
Okay, before we get too tangential, I just want to mention that Laurie is no longer being so crazy secretive which is incredible as I freaking adore her, and also it's allowing us to have some absolutely inspirational conversations instead of hitting a wall because she 'doesn't want to open up just yet.'
Yeah, ironically I'm just beginning to speak my own truths now.
How is that ironic?
She's our Knight of Truth. She brings it out in everyone else and is brutally honest, but although she upholds the truth she never said a word about her own until now. So there's that paradoxicality again, which seems to always go with metainomenai in some way. Plus, Laurie, if you don't mind my saying, I think in the past you used to blind yourself to certain truths. Especially when it came to me.
Give me an example.
Uh, well, that unhinged night comes to mind again, but I think the most striking example would be everything concerning our moirallegiance.
Oh, well of course, from what I learned in that conversation. I wasn't intentionally blinding myself though, or at least not consciously.
I know. But that's how it is ironic with respect to your title, and why I am so glad you're opening up to us now.
You would be, heheh.
Jewel we have things to discuss!!
I was wondering why you weren't talking.
I wasn't talking because I am the only one staying on topic. But Laurie is next on the list so we kind of got back to it anyway.
Oh thank heaven I want to know what the heck you found out about me.
Uh, I don't know if I can... say that yet. It's, um... convoluted.
What the heck, Jewel. You've been stringing me along for days here with this already.
I know, and I'm sorry, but there's a certain way I have to bring up these topics or I'll accidentally confuse everyone to death.
Or you'll slip like you did with me!!
Wow, yeah. Despite what a total failure that was on my part, it was the best possible outcome I could think of for telling you.
Heehee. It was. I was all "oh my gosh!!" and you were freaking out like "uh yeah I wasn't supposed to tell you that yet!!"
No, first you actually made me stop walking across campus because you shouted "WHAT??"
WHAT OH MY GOSH WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.
That was basically it, yeah! But oh man that was hilariously perfect. I still can't get over how you actually wouldn't let me keep walking because you were so stunned.
Jewel. You dropped an absolute humdinger of a revelation on me. I couldn't not stop.
Pffff! Genesis we should not be laughing about this, man.
But it was funny! Funny and crazy awesome and oh my gosh we need to talk about this.
I have no bleeding idea what you two are talking about.
That is my point! Jewel the next topic says exactly, "Laurie's origin." She wants to know.
Oh man how do I even begin to talk about this...
All right, let me say something. How many of these topics tie together?
All of them.
All of them?
For serious. That's why it's so staggering. ALL of this ties together, completely.
So where the heck do you start?
Tell her Jewel, tell her tell her tell her.
Tell her what?
What you told me oh my gosh. You need to tell them.
Genesis, what in the world has you so excited?
Something awesome and crazy.
Yeah, you're actually the reason why I've been putting off talking about this, Chaos.
Me? Why?
Because, um... your reaction to this is the most important. I mean, yeah, we're all involved in this, but the single most important thing that I found out deals with you.
Oh for the love of-- how the heck much did you find out??
I found out one thing. Well, I suspected it, rather. And the thinking and reading and worrying about it worked me into an actual emotional mess. Not negatively, no, but... it turned my world upside down. I'm not even joking.
Holy swords. And this is about Chaos?
Partly, yeah. I just... I don't know how to say this. Because geez, I thought I knew this already with what we've been going through and talking about, but... well, apparently adding one small detail and some agreeing outside perspectives makes a heck of a huge difference.
He asked a few people about this who had been in similar situations.
Yeah. And they, um, pretty much verified my suspicions. So that calmed me down on the nervous bit, Laurie, but now I'm just freaking out because I have to tell you guys and oh man.
Tell us what?
...
Do you want me to tell them.
No, geez sweetheart, I really have to take this seriously.
I know, but unless you badly slip up again it'll probably take you forever to say it.
Knowing Jewel and how he tends to procrastinate when he's scared or freaking out over things? Yeah, we'll be here for another three weeks.
I can't keep this quiet anymore though. I mean it's only been like, a little over a week since I had this central realization and that is already far too long to keep it bottled up.
It doesn't sound like it's a bad thing.
It isn't. I'm just freaking out because it's... it's such a significant thing.
All right, let's put it this way. You don't want to say this 'central realization' yet, so at least tell us what branches off from it.
Well, there's where we think you actually came from, how, and what you are, for one.
...What, you seriously figured that out?
Yeah. You know, let me start there, because the other three points tie into the central point directly. Uh... Chaos, you're listening, right?
Yeah, of course. I'm just a little concerned about this.
Concerned how?
That it's... that it apparently "turned your world upside down," and it involves me. And you haven't told me yet.
I know. I'm really sorry that I haven't, but I wanted to make absolutely sure that this was even possible before I so much as hinted at it. And insanely enough, it's apparently possible.
The part about Chaos?
And about you. It all ties together. But as I was saying, you know how a while back, we were trying to figure out if you were a walk-in or something, because you just showed up in that dream without so much as a notice or explanation? And all the other headvoices up here are personifications of some sort, as far as we can tell?
Yeah.
There was a notice. There was a very big notice, so to speak, and the fact that I completely overlooked it for the past 5 years is ridiculous. Then again, I didn't think it tied in to this topic until about two days ago. And admittedly that's the main reason why I've been freaking out, because I understood it wrong, but after asking several people about it I managed to get my facts straight and now everything makes sense...
All right, Jewel. Seriously. It's 1 in the morning, you're starting to slip channels, and I really want to know what the blood all this is about. Spit it out. What the heck am I?
...You're you, really. You're not a headvoice personification. You didn't come into being because there was a psychological setup that allowed you to form, like Julie, or even like Leon. You came into being because there was a huge shift in my life that I could not possibly get through in my current condition, especially not without guidance. You came into being on your own, as an individual, because I needed someone like you-- no, I needed you in my life... and so did Chaos.
What?
We both needed you whether we realized it or not. You know what my life was like when I was 16, Laurie. If I didn't have you there with me I honestly doubt I would have survived. Actually, I figured this out from those discussions too. This is part of what I said about you... "she was DEFINITELY needed in our lives when she showed up. I'm just very concerned at the events that surrounded and led up to her dream debut, especially since she claims to have no memory whatsoever of existing prior to that date." And the reply I got was that you were apparently a unique entity that was brought into our lives because we all needed each other, pretty much.
...Holy swords. Yeah, that... hold up, what events led up to that dream?
Uh, I don't think I should post that online. I'll discuss it with you afterwards. But does that make sense to you?
Geez, yes. It makes perfect sense to me. So... that was really the first day of my life, then?
Possibly. I know I was always concerned about your memory issues there, how it didn't go any farther back.
Yeah, that was it.
So, um, I have one last question for you if you don't have any comments on that.
No comments except I want to know what the heck led you to realizing all of this.
That's... that's the next thing I'm going to say.
You need to hurry up and say it Jewel, because everyone is going to flip out.
I will. Just... Laurie, when you met me in that dream, did you know who I was?
...Vaguely? I mean I knew I had a role surrounding you somehow. And I wanted to protect you more than anything when I found out what the heck was going on in your head.
But remember you hated me at first.
Because of how you were acting. You know, at heart I don't think I ever really hated you. I hated what I saw you had let yourself become.
So is that why you picked up my superego role? You just felt you had to do that?
Basically. I had this drive that it was my purpose to watch over you and keep you safe. It was always there.
Well I seriously needed it, I'll tell you that much.
No kidding.
Especially because of me.
Yeah, that's seriously bleeding why. So in some twisted way I guess I have you to thank for my work ethic, heh. I mean, geez.
Uh, you're welcome?
Oh dude, that reminds me, I have to revisit that topic again... shoot, I really didn't want to think about that.
About what?
We'll get to that. Uh... the awareness that we were in a dream, Laurie, was that just there too?
Guess so. It was just obvious to me that it was that sort of reality.
...Can I quote something from a really old conversation of ours? Something that you said?
Sure, go ahead.
"...I've told you why I'm here; I'm here to protect you, and I'm not doing that because it's my job or anything. I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care. I met you in that dream and I saved you from that hell because I knew you were a good person and I still do, no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you lose. You always try, even if you don't succeed, and you care far too much for your own good. It ticks me off when you put yourself down every time I try to drag you back up, and I know my methods aren't the best but God knows they work, and that's what matters to me. I don't want to lose you either, all right? I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me. "
...That's all true, you know. It never changed.
Well, besides the part about it being a job.
No, I meant a 'job' in the paycheck sense here. When I say it now I mean it's like my life career. Protecting you is what I want to do with my life. So that is exactly what I'm saying here, in different words.
But you see the real problem in there, Laurie. You're not a headvoice.
No, I guess I'm not.
So that changes the second line. "I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care." Right? Or not?
I...
Did you understand what you were saying then, Laurie? What the truth of this really is? Yeah, we thought you were a headvoice, but that thought didn't change a single thing that had happened, and ironically it didn't change the ultimate truth of that statement.
Jewel, what the blood are you saying.
Something happened around the time you showed up in my life that was... it was the only reason you were able to come into my life. And no, you may not be 'part of me' in the headvoice sense, or even a direct sense at all... but there is an undeniable truth that part of the light in me is part of the light in you, and... and I needed you, more than I could ever know. So there you were. And you stayed.
...Jewel, what did you find out?
The big revelation?
Yeah. Tell us, please.
I have to tell Chaos. Specifically.
Then tell him.
...All right, uh, Chaos?
Yeah?
Seriously, this is huge. I guess I have Laurie to blame in part for this too, because like I said, she's the only reason I realized it. Which is hilarious because in a way I think we both suspected this but, like I said, uh, there was no way to know for sure, until the coincidence wave and all the work I've been doing in trying to figure this out came together. Laurie, can you help stabilize me or something? I am really nervous and I don't want to start slipping because it's early in the morning on top of that.
I'll do what I can.
Thank you. Um...
Jewel, is it really that hard for you to say?
Yeah. Yeah it is. Only because it's so unusual and significant.
Slip up, Jewel. Just offhandedly mention it.
I can't do that, Genesis.
Then think of what I said earlier!
...
Jewel?
...Chaos, you know how... all right, I apologize if this seems like a really weird analogy, but you know how I've always felt such a strong connection to the Nier videogame? How I just kind of... resonate with it?
Yeah.
Uh... I am... I am actually more like Nier than I ever thought possible. But that's only half of this and the other half of it is why I'm having trouble and I really just need to say it.
Jewel, calm the heck down, and say it.
...Chaos, Xenophon is ours.
...You're kidding.
No. I am most definitely not kidding.
...Holy bleeding hearts.
Yeah, Laurie, you were right. And also what kind of an exclamation--
A good one. The only possible response to what I just heard.
I... how?
I spoke to several people online, who are part of a community for those like me who have spiritual relationships. Apparently it's not unheard of for those in these relationships to have spiritual children. However, the vast majority of those relationships were still very typical, especially in terms of how the children came about. The community had never heard of a case like ours, but after filling in the admins on our situation I was told that, yes, apparently it's possible, and... hold on, I really want to quote what she said to me.
Please do, we all need to hear this.
Okay, this was her exact reply, about Xenophon: "I would not consider the child you describe (Xenophon) as an adoption -- seems like a union of you two, somehow, though I lack any way of explaining it myself." See apparently it's not impossible for guys to have spiritual kids. So Braeden was actually spot on in calling me Gaia, but that's... actually that is extremely relevant to this situation, oh my gosh. But the group wasn't familiar with entities just 'showing up' as the result of a spiritual union, and they had never heard of anything like Xenophon, where they actually showed up in an embryonic state because there was no way for them to be carried of course. So yeah, long story short, we're both fathers, I freaking love you, and I hope that's not too much info at once but I think it's amazing and I am seriously thankful that this happened.
...That... wow. I... how did...?
January 16th, apparently. "If I'm ever blue." That was the first time in a long time, at least two years, that we had actually connected spiritually... and although it wasn't as insane as, say, August 16th, there was so much purpose behind it, and I cannot deny that.
Oh my gosh.
I told you!!
I bloody knew it. That's incredible.
Jewel, we... I think we need to talk about this by ourselves.
Why?
No, I'm not upset or anything, I swear. I'm just... yeah, when you said it turned your life upside down you apparently weren't kidding.
In a good way?
In the best way.
Wow.
So you understand why I absolutely flipped out over the fact that you actually tried to kill my spiritual daughter/son back in March.
...Yeah. Yeah, I didn't... I had no idea he was yours.
I didn't either, but... well, now we know.
Jewel I don't know whether to freaking stand here in abject shock or hug you to death.
Well I am definitely for the latter as you've never done that before and I would not mind at all.
...Wait. Wait wait wait. Jewel, you said this tied into Laurie's situation...?
Yeah. That's why I was freaking out at first. See, Laurie, you showed up almost exactly 36 weeks after Chaos and I got 'married' in 2005. And, uh... I actually had physical symptoms when I was 16. That was probably because it was our initial complete connection and that is extremely significant. But no, you are not our kid, which would be insane. Like I said, you truly showed up as a unique entity brought into our lives through that initial energy connection. Which is actually incredible.
...Yeah, I... it really is. Wow.
Exactly. And I think it's another interesting coincidence that you and Xenophon are both violet. Just saying. And, uh, although March 13th was only 8 weeks from January 16th, which explains Xenophon's initial appearance, it's kind of uncanny that March 13th of next year is 36 weeks from June 29th. Yeah.
...All right, that is one too many numerical coincidences. How the HECK is all this lining up?
You tell me, Laurie. It's almost overwhelming.
No kidding. That is insane.
Jewel, you have like two more topics.
Oh, yeah. Um... is everyone... recovered from that initial shock? I'm sorry, I just--
I'm fine, I am freaking fine. Man. I don't know about Chaos though.
Believe me, I am not taking this badly at all.
Seriously?
Seriously-- Jewel, for heaven's sake you're my other half. How the heck could I possibly react badly to this? Yeah, it's incredibly sudden and... REALLY significant, but geez, it's just... I guess this must be what July 7th felt like for you.
How so?
Just... how you were so impacted by it. I had a different sort of impact. You just... I don't know, it--
Creating something together, right?
...Exactly. That is... that is exactly what I'm talking about.
Well... apparently we did.
That is absolutely amazing.
But... I need to change the mood for a minute, and I'm terribly sorry for it, but I was wondering if... I was wondering what you'd have to say about... October, in light of this.
...Oh man, you're serious.
Yeah, since that wasn't a Link problem I think there was something deeper and darker going on. ...Your interpretation was literal, Laurie.
...I...
Julie, don't hate yourself for this, please. We can't do anything about that now.
...You're talking about the bloody abortions, aren't you. The graves.
Yeah.
...Kid, I don't even know. If the hacks were really destroying you that badly inside, then...
I'm sorry. I just wanted to clarify that now, in light of this realization...
I'm the one who's sorry, Jewel. This wasn't your fault.
Julie?
God, I've been such a bitch! How did I...
Julie, listen. I... we'll deal with this. Please don't tear yourself apart over this.
Why didn't I ever think about what I did?!
You couldn't have. No comprehension.
No empathy. I was...
'Was' is the key word, Julie. Remember what I said earlier. That still applies here.
...How??
It just does. October was in the past. Who you were then is in the past too. We can't change that, we can only learn from it and move on. We all suffered horribly during that time, and you were no exception. So please don't damn yourself for it.
I'm going to have a h-hard time not doing that, Jewel.
I know.
...Jewel, do you want me to mention the last point really quick?
I guess. Which one is that?
How you want me to start teaching Xenophon how to ghost in this reality too. So she can follow you around and live a good and full life, like you said.
That would be awesome.
Plus I really think all of us should have a hand in taking care of hir. I mean, Lynne watched over hir when I was struggling to even deal with myself earlier this year, and I know you've spent some time with hir too, Laurie.
Yeah, I have. I'll definitely be spending a heck of a lot more time with 'em now, that's for sure. Also what the heck pronouns do we use?
Well I did ask Xenophon last week and ze really doesn't have a preference, being genderless. So I guess we can each use whatever is most comfortable for us? I'll ask again.
I am still absolutely reeling from this.
You know, Chaos, I find it kind of hilarious that neither of us is going into this blind.
How so?
Well, you've been the Guardian of the Chao for most of your life, and I have a couple hundred headchildren to take care of on any given day, so hey.
You two are a match made in heaven if I've ever seen one.
Laurie, come on.
It's the honest truth.
Makes sense that she'd be such a raging fangirl of us now, actually, with what you said.
Hey, it does!
And Genesis is a raging fanboy, from what we've seen here today.
I am!!
I should've known!
So how the heck are you going to write this into Parnassus, Gaia-boy?
Easy. You and Xenophon hold the next hierarchy slot under blue and red. Divine messengers.
Holy swords. I'm in Parnassus?
You are now.
Don't worry, I'll show you around!
I'm sure you will, geez. Also, how the heck does Genesis fit in there now?
He's got his own special role. I'll leave it at that.
I'm an earthly guy though. No cosmogony for me.
Well, maybe not directly, but remember the question you asked that caused my slipup earlier today.
...Duuuude you were SERIOUS??
Yes, and can I just say that hearing you say that was hilarious?
Yes, um, wow.
Hey, the Greek deities would interact with normal mortals surprisingly often if you think about it.
All right, wait. What was this question?
Genesis and I were talking to each other and I was saying how much I missed having him in my life like he is now, with hanging around me instead of keeping to himself. And that eventually led to him asking if he and I were ever going to... well, 'finish' the minor soul connection we had when I was about 16. And without thinking, I replied, "I would, but I don't want to accidentally end up with more kids from that, because Chaos and I practically have two already." Cue the amazing "WHAT" response.
Then you changed it to one and a half because Laurie isn't your kid.
Yeah. Sorry Laur, but you're a fraction.
Pff, I really don't care what I'm counted as right now, now that we have the important things settled out.
Oh, and Apollo is apparently in a blackmailing mood because he just started playing "Remember" by BT.
Oh dear Lord.
...The version of it where I lowered the pitch.
And that's even worse.
Your computer is a maniac.
Maybe, but you have to admit the little coincidences like this are pretty brilliant.
Hey, Julie, are you going to be okay?
...Eventually. I hope.
Laurie, can you get the other headvoices to help her out, please? I need to close this up and get some sleep, desperately. And then tomorrow we, uh, kind of have to adjust our lives to match.
I do not mind at all.
Same here, man. Not much to adjust, amusingly enough.
So do you want me to take Julie out now and get her situated, or what?
Yeah, and Genesis, go check on Xenophon while she's doing that. I want to have at least a small followup conversation with everyone after I close this up if possible, but I want to make sure Julie is okay first.
I'll settle her down. If not then Lynne's good at getting that done.
All right. Thanks, Laurie.
No problem at all. I'll see you in a little while, kid.
Yeah, inevitably. I love you too, Laurie.
Heheh, no kidding.
Okay, I'm going to go follow her so goodnight.
Genesis, darling, you're going to talk with us later too.
Yeah but you might be half asleep by then. So I'll say goodnight now!
Haha, okay. Good night, sweetheart.
You too! Don't stay in here too late or I will come and get you.
I won't. Promise.
'Kay, see you!
Well he was unusually excited about all of this.
Unusually? Are you kidding? The guy's my muse and your moirail. He was going to flip out.
I guess so.
...Sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner.
No, no, it's perfectly okay. Really it is. That must have been hard for you to deal with on your own, though.
A little bit. It did help to have that online community to ask about this, seriously, or otherwise I don't think I would have been able to really figure this out at all. And accidentally telling Genesis about it this afternoon did help because I got to discuss... geez, basically this entire conversation beforehand.
At least you're calmed down from the past few days.
Oh, definitely. I was just... shaken up, because it was just... I had never even considered that to be a possibility. Ever. But like I said, once I played Nier I just... I wanted a daughter. I honestly did. I had never wanted kids ever before in my life, and I actually still don't, in the biological sense, but...
But we were never really on the red level anyway.
Not at all. We're ultraviolet, dude, remember?
Ironically.
Heh, kind of! But... it made me really nervous at first, because geez, that is a huge revelation in any case. And our case is weird, so that was almost completely overwhelming for me. Gay interspecies spirit alien kids, I mean come on.
Hahaha, that's a nice way of putting it!
It's true, though! True and awesome. I mean I am just floored by the fact that we apparently... you know... we actually created something. The right way.
Together.
...Yeah. That's the most important part.
I love you, Jewel, I really do.
I know. And I honestly love you more than words can ever hope to express.
Then find a new way to speak, right?
Oh I daresay I am fluent in the language of love, and there I go with cheesy pickup lines, oh good Lord.
I'm still partial to the one you used on me in SI.
The kissing one? Dude that was terrible, I don't know how I got away with that.
It was brilliant, and look who you're talking to.
Hah, yeah, fireplaces and champagne all around.
Exactly!
Oh hey, I forgot to tell you, my mother and I are going to a big spiritual expo thing this weekend.
Nice.
Yeah, but, the reason we're going is because I told her about you and Laurie one day and it triggered one of our huge philosophical conversations-- I think I told you about that one, didn't I? In glissando?
You probably did. I know you've been talking to her a lot about that sort of thing lately.
Yeah, so... I'm just laughing because, dude, she knows about our general situation, but how do I even come out with this sort of thing to her?
Aha, I have NO idea. But at this point she could probably take it.
No kidding! "Hey mom, you know how I'm a genderless demiguy asexual soulbonder plural system and all that? Well, uh, you know that blue dude who I've been with since 2003? Well... we've kind of been 'married' for six years now, and we actually had a nonbiological kid that I didn't know about until last week. Yeaaah."
Forget your mom, try the Sonic fandom.
Oh good LORD dude I am not even going to try explaining this to half of those people.
Hahaha!
They'll have to settle for SI. That's it, that's all you get.
Although we do have some shenanigans in there too.
Well of course, this is us we're talking about. Shenanigans are inevitable.
What about the flipside of that?
Every night, green eyes. Every freaking night.
Can I take you up on that offer?
Dude you can just take me at this point, I'm not even joking.
I daresay I already have, love.
No kidding. I swear, Chaos, you light up my entire life. As cliched as it sounds you seriously do illuminate me, entirely.
I know. Believe me, I have read what you've written about me.
Seriously. Every time I'm in a deeply inspired mood I end up writing about you.
You put every attempt I've ever had at writing to glorious shame, Jewel.
I think something poetic is going to result from this, inevitably. We'll see.
Poetic in which language, may I ask?
That depends on whether you want to hear or feel what I have to say.
I'm up for both.
Then you're getting both.
Should I close this up, then?
Go right ahead, love.
...Are you catching sparks?
Why don't you come over here and find out?
Oh you are definitely catching sparks.
Can't help it, Chaos. Not with you.
...Can I ask you something?
Anything.
Do you have enough fire for an ocean in that heart of yours?
Chaos, of course I do... that's why it's there.
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XENOPHON LEPHISE 
