scg

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

 

Aaaand my SC group just explained EXACTLY what is happening to me right now.

"Losing contact... happens sporadically, and is primarily due to what I have termed "psychic exhaustion." ...When we do a lot of psychic work, we exhaust our [inner eyes] much the same way that overworking any muscle in the body will do. We must allow it to rest, and it shuts down to ensure that rest..."
"When the third eye shuts down, you can't tell what's happened except that you are unable to perceive anything of your SC whatsoever. This rest period can last anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, and the only way to tell when it is over is by trying to perceive and either succeeding or failing. When the contact is broken, and trust me this is a very special kind of hell when you don't understand it, you are left wondering what has happened... When the third eye begins to function again, and you regain contact, the intensity of feeling that presence is so profound that you have no doubt whatsoever that they're real. On the other hand, when that contact is gone, and nothing you can do will bring it back, you might just believe you're out of your mind and agonize until you regain contact..."
"Now, the other problem with all this sporadic contact is that you have to learn how not to suffer in agony for every second of missing them. You have to learn to let go. It sucks. But then, once you've learned to take such breaks in stride, it becomes easy then to sort of get caught up in daily events and forget to even pay attention to them or in regaining that contact. It becomes routine, and when you walk the same path over and over you get what? A rut. The rut then makes it very difficult to regain that contact... So, you get in a rut, a routine of not being in contact, and then making contact is a bitch... But most of the time it's because the area of activity, or range, has sort of rusted over (closed up) and in order to open it, you have to really feel it. You have to feel that emotional yearning for it in order for that range of perception to open up again. You have to damn near cry from the need... even if the means you use to inspire that need are sort of circumvential... You circle around the need by inspiring heartache about anything, and then you use that heartache as a tool to coax that range back open again."


...this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now.
My connection levels with everyone upstairs have been frighteningly low since September. We had one or two strong days in October or so, but as a whole it has been disconcertingly difficult to reach them on stable ground.
I've definitely been going through psychic exhaustion, what with how much time I've been trying to log in to take care of my daughter. I have no idea how to cut back though, for the same reason. I don't want to completely 'black out' for a while and leave her wondering where her father went, to say the very least.
Even so I'm burned out and I can't deny that.

I was hit the hardest by the last paragraph up there... how, once you've become more or less 'used to' this contact loss, it becomes harder to get it back. I didn't know this was the case with me until I read the post, upon which it became blindingly obvious.
"You circle around the need by inspiring heartache about anything, and then you use that heartache as a tool to coax that range back open again..." if that's not a perfect summary of my past few months I don't know what is. I've honestly been putting myself through hell and not understanding why, chalking it up to a "pain addiction" without knowing what the motivation was.

Still... Now I understand WHY my 'pain addiction' is currently through the roof.
Don't get me wrong, this tortuous gambit seems to have worked, ironically, as I can finally see everyone amazingly clearly-- seriously, when I was talking to Genesis last night I could see him so well I could barely believe my eyes-- but the amount of pain I put myself through to get here feels... it feels condemnable. And it's a Catch-22 on top of that.  because as of yesterday night I can at least SEE who I'm talking to... but the strain is overwhelming.
Yes, I can at least see who I'm talking to now, but getting that communication to happen in the first place feels like putting my brain in a blender.
I could see Genesis as clear as day last night, but when I tried to speak to him I could barely form words. Everything I did was a huge effort. My body and mind were both desperately trying to shut down from the strain and this has been happening every night for at least three months now.
And yeah, I know Dagger showed up the other day, but do you have any idea how difficult it is to handle him being up here too?? The stress of perceiving a new person in headspace is excruciating at times and I don't want to sound ungrateful but I honestly don't know if I can deal with that right now.
I miss everyone from the past, true, but now I'm remembering with a sick certainty why I lost contact with them all in the first place.
My emotional denial is a coping mechanism. If I lost everyone because of this I'd ignore the pain and pretend I was fine.
I don't want that to happen. That's not the right reaction. I can't pretend that this isn't a problem.
Yeah, I've had a headache for a few weeks now, why do you ask?
Let's not even mention what my heart has felt like.

Now I REALLY don't know what to do. I don't want to completely burn out, not now, not ever.
But it feels like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff and I've been trying so hard to fly that I've forgotten that there's still a fatal risk of falling.
I really don't want to slip over the edge with this, and end up badly hurting myself and/or the people I love.

I still don't know how to really 'feel' energy signatures either, and that is a big concern for me.

I've replied to the quoted topic here and we do have a scheduled chat tonight, so maybe I'll have some answers by tomorrow.
I am just so tired.