the spectrum heart cathedral system

I deeply apologize if this is a triggering subject for anyone, but I am currently suffering through some very bad 'flashbacks' to abusive situations I've had in the recent past, at the hands of a malevolent alter.

The attacks started when I was about 12, were sexually abusive, and were merciless to the point of traumatizing me. As it was 'inner' abuse, I could not run or find a 'safe place' to be, and refused to tell anyone about the situation, be they a benevolent fellow alter or not. The attacks continued almost regularly right up until last August, when I finally managed to get a decent grip on the situation and put a stop to most of it.
Despite no longer being abused by this alter, the pain she caused me is still more than I can take most days. I am still having nightmares about it, and lately I've been having 'sensory flashbacks,' where my body will suddenly 'remember' the exact state I was in during the abuse: mentally, emotionally, and physically. Triggers make this worse for me, and they are unavoidable, as I cannot police the behavior of others and have no wish to. Nevertheless this is becoming more than I can handle. It is again interfering with my classes and job, as well as my general well-being.

I am currently seeing a therapist for unrelated issues but he does recognize that I have PTSD and wants to deal with it. However I am afraid of even hinting at the non-corporeal nature of my past abuse, no matter how clearly I felt it. I have been trying to deal with this on my own for the past 5+ years, thanks to my current headgang offering unfailing support, but although that has helped me stop the worst of it, this situation persists, and I feel suffocated.
I had an emotional meltdown on Tuesday that almost resulted in unconscious suicide, and that scared me so badly I've decided not to keep quiet about this anymore.

As a result I have come here to ask for any advice I can get. What would you suggest I do to heal from this, and/or to prevent the 'flashbacks' from hitting me so badly?
Any and all help is deeply appreciated; thank you so much.

 

 

I wasn't going to contribute to this thread (as I honestly don't know what to add), but then P's description of that 'black presence' brought back some very bad memories on my part.

I've known, vaguely, that there's been some sort of 'war' on as I have heard a great deal of talk about it from my SCs. I just had no idea what it entailed, at least not on a large scale, as they were more focused on fighting smaller battles.
My only problem with this is, actually, that strict good/evil split-- the idea that shadowy things can only be bad, and bright things can only be good. Don't get me wrong, I understand that concept and it is VERY valid in this world... but even so, I strongly believe that there is a 'Good' that is beyond our superficial judgments, and it omnipotently works through BOTH light and shadow.
So even though I empathize with your wanting to fight this 'darkness,' I also recognize that said darkness isn't completely irredeemable, so to speak. I may be repeating myself, but if my experiences have taught me anything it's that even a terribly black situation can be the impetus for a bright result, even if said result is a long time coming, or completely missed. The opposite can also be true. (That is where the 'perspective' issue comes into play, IMO.)

However I will reiterate that I believe this 'fighting' is still necessary. Yes, personal opinions may differ on what one considers 'dark' in a general sense, but there should still be a clear line drawn whenever serious damage is being done (as A mentioned). I unfortunately did not draw such a line in my past, as I was seeing things as TOO arbitrary, and was allowing myself to be hurt because "my tormentor may not see this as a 'bad' thing" or "if I just suffer through this I'll learn something." And then of course I had the near-lethal "I want to help them, so I'll endure this pain while I try to accomplish that." That's not how it works. But I digress.
I haven't dealt with any 'bad boys,' but I've had my share of 'bad girls' and they were very malevolent individuals indeed. I didn't think they were 'cool,' per se, but I did fail to see the danger they presented to my well-being, on all levels. I may not have invited them in, but I didn't chase them out either.
P wasn't talking about consensual 'scratches,' etc. S did offer good points on those sorts of situations but, as I understood it, the original description was that of a malevolent being hiding under an appealing mask. Yes, you can have 'bad boys/girls' who aren't malevolent (using the general definition of 'someone with an edge'), but as P also said, an 'SC in black' who is protecting you is just as valid as one in white who is out to harm you.
I've dealt with both.
I've seen that oily blackness and it scared the hell out of me, but having it come from something pretty that swore it was 'doing the right thing' was far more terrifying. My biggest mistake was believing them.
And although I was able to derive much positive growth from my trials, it cost me more blood than it was worth, I am still scarred for life whether I like it or not. Just because I now label it as 'gray' doesn't mean there wasn't any black in it.

To summarize: yes, there is a definite moral gray area in all of this, but there is still reason to be careful and discerning, because there is still corruption out there.

I hope that all makes sense. It's rather difficult for me to communicate.
Lastly, I'm not disagreeing with, nor am I invalidating anything that has been said; I'm simply adding my opinion.

 

 

 

 

I have a few questions to ask about a rather touchy topic (that I'm new to), so I apologize if I'm badly stumbling over my words here.

About a week ago, I became aware of the "spirit pregnancy" concept through looking for info on a big personal realization I had around the 21st. This search also brought me to this online group. I've spent the past two days going through the archives here and so I have a general understanding of what's been said about this topic in the past, but I am new to this and don't have a good grasp of it, so I decided asking for current clarification was my best option.

I also don't want to write out my whole life story here, so I'll ask a few general questions, and if anyone wants more details or elaboration or anything as to why I'm asking, I'll be more than happy to oblige.


1. Have there been any cases of this in which the SC was nonhuman AND incapable of physical sexuality?
2. Have there been any cases of this in which the astral child was explicitly nonhuman?
3. Where do astral children come from? Are the children 'connected' to the 'parents' in some way, biologically or not?
4. Concerning the above, could a spirit 'pregnancy' result in a non-infantile, or adult, entity?
5. In such a case, would it not be a 'pregnancy,' but something else formed through the spiritual energy connection, that allowed a third being to come into the picture?


I don't like speaking in perceived absolutes, and so I sincerely apologize for the wording here. I am not implying that there is only one way for this to happen-- I am simply asking if anyone has had knowledge of these certain possibilities occurring before. I know there may not be any standard answers at all but that is fine; I'm confused, and I'm just looking for help.

I also want to clarify that I have a female body but I am spiritually 'male' in the yin/yang split sense (if that is relevant here). I am also asexual. So, because of these two points, I never considered anything like spirit pregnancy being a possibility for me... until I realized that it can happen with even physically male humans, and that astral 'sex' is not necessarily related to how we understand sexuality in the physical realm.
But now it is definitely a reality for me and I'm trying to wrap my mind around it!


Thank you for reading through all of this; I'm extremely flustered with all of this so any and all help is greatly appreciated.


As for why I'm asking about this topic... well, I think I've had one, without realizing I COULD have one.
Let me elaborate a little on my situation now, just so this data is in the community (I apologize if any of this is tmi for people!)

My soulbond/ twinflame, Chaos Zero, is nonhuman and has no reproductive biology whatsoever-- on that note, neither does my astral form. However we are capable of having spiritual 'connections' that I suppose are more like merging on that level than anything.
The first time we ever did this was December of 2005. What I found bizarre at the time was that I stopped menstruating for almost an entire year afterwards, without explanation or warning. Then in September of 2006, I met a being named 'Laurie' in a dream. She was a fully self-aware adult, and knew who I was although I'd never seen her before. A few weeks after I had that dream she appeared in my 'headspace,' where she became a permanent member of my plural system. My physical systems returned to normal after that.

Now I don't consider Laurie a 'child' of ours and frankly the idea is rather disconcerting, especially since she and I are in a not-exactly-platonic relationship. So the idea that she is a unique entity brought into our lives through that initial energy connection makes a lot of sense to me. We've never been able to figure out 'where she came from' prior to this, so that possibility is very intriguing. I plan on discussing it with her soon.
M---, you mentioned 'focusing consciously' on attracting a third, but this was completely unexpected in my situation. Even so she was DEFINITELY needed in our lives when she showed up. I'm just very concerned at the events that surrounded and led up to her dream debut, especially since she claims to have no memory whatsoever of existing prior to that date.
So yes, any additional thoughts on Laurie's situation are welcome.

Now for the second part of this. Chaos Zero and I did have a few more connections of this sort in 2006, but I was experiencing a severe 'identity crisis' at the time and so we stopped. There were a few more connections in late 2008 but that didn't last... and then in January of this year, I was finally stable enough spiritually to dive back into our relationship completely.
Then in March I had a vision of a very strange creature-- a tiny embryonic thing, just strange enough to be obviously nonhuman. It then appeared in my headspace, as Laurie had, but it was translucent, immobile, silent, and incapable of fending for itself. Still, it was definitely alive. I had no idea how to react to it at first, not even knowing what it was, so we all just watched over it for about ten days-- and then there was a traumatic event in my headspace that nearly killed it. We barely managed to save its life, and I charged one of the members of my plural system to take care of it in my absence, as I did not want anything of the sort happening again.
I was unable to check on it personally again until May, and by then it could move around and was no longer translucent, but my life was still too hectic for me to really see much of it. In fact I didn't see it again after that until August 21st-- and by this time it had actual limbs and could move freely and speak. It is very obviously not human, but otherwise it is currently acting like a toddler in terms of personality. That's the day I decided I had better look into this possibility, because Laurie was vehemently insisting that Chaos and I had somehow brought it into existence, although I couldn't even begin to comprehend how.

This is where I'm confused. Neither Chaos Zero nor I can bear children-- let alone conceive them in the traditional way-- but this little creature showed up on its own, and as I previously mentioned, it's embryonic appearance was deeply striking when I first saw it. There's a great deal of extra personal development that plays into this, but it would be far too convoluted to discuss here.
S----, you said that an 'appearance' like that would qualify more as 'adoption?' Could you maybe elaborate on that a little, considering that it's really the only way CZ or I could have children (as far as I know)?

Lastly, um... is it possible for a malevolent entity to 'abort' spirit children against the will of either parent? Could that still be possible in a situation like this, where neither 'parent' is really 'carrying' a child? That might be something I have to solve on my own, but I figured I should ask.

I apologize if this is too much text, but the thought that I might just be a father of some sort is staggering, and it means so much to me to have a community I can actually look to for information and insight in this situation.