the spectrum heart cathedral system

Didn't get to Xanga today as I wanted to finish at least part of this mountain of Dream World work.
I will admit I'm still feeling weird about Time being one of the typecodes, and Void not being one. However I honestly think that's because I'm still trying to shove codes into the Neutral element although it doesn't work that way! 'Neutral' actually does function as a sort of Void stand-in, since I've always seen Void as a paradoxically creative force, rather than some "black hole of doom" thing that many media sources treat it as. Neutral works mostly as a "base" detached from the other elements, but I don't know... or maybe Void falls under Celestial, as that element deals with space? Huh. I'll have to review old info and see whether or not that would translate. But this is good, now I can continue with code cataloguing because dang this is time-consuming! I need to check this against three different sources, piece by piece, and then use that info to formulate an entirely new paradigm for the series. Hilariously enough I adore this work; despite the large amount of effort, time, and focus it demands, it's a product of wonder and imagination and that always makes it worthwhile.
Now if I only had a real desk and chair to sit at so my back and legs don't hurt all the time, haha. Ah well. I'm happy I at least have a place to sit and type!

I discovered The Reign of Kindo today, and their music is beautiful! This and this are my favorite tracks that I've heard so far. Also, I noticed they're tagged on Last.fm as 'jazz rock' as well as prog rock, which is interesting-- I've never heard of the former, but I will definitely have to browse that genre tomorrow. This is nice stuff.

Dude hold up I just remembered something that happened last night. Don't ask me what specifically led up to it, but I was talking to Chaos and Laurie and I think I asked Chaos if he could actively 'create' something with the specific energy I'd given him, since it was such a unique sort? Either way he ultimately ended up forming a pure black lotus. Imagine this shape, but with a smooth, uniform texture. Most notably, it was covered in 'dewdrops' that sparkled like diamonds, all delicate rainbow shards (this is the closest likeness I can get on short notice). It was absolutely stunning though. However the fact that it was a black lotus gave me an idea... so I used my Spark of Space abilities to form a doorframe, and told Chaos to put the Lotus "into it." When he did, it was 'absorbed' into the empty frame and turned it into a pitch black passage. I walked over to it, told them both to stay, and then let myself freefall down into it. Now this is blurry (as I was about 75% asleep), but I went WAY down and I think I landed in an unformed white mindscape first? I don't quite recall. Anyway I went back and then told Chaos to come with me, but we had to hold hands because I somehow knew that "no one but me can go in there alone." This time, we didn't fall... the darkness immediately blossomed into this gorgeous sort of opera hall-esque room. It, too, was all black, but there were strings of crystals hanging everywhere like spiderwebs, as well as big chandeliers on the ceiling. It was beautiful. For some reason this gives a similar impression, although it's too 'warm' in color... everything in there was more towards the blue-purple end of the spectrum as far as non-black shades were concerned... actually you know what, the beginning of this (obviously synchronistic) clip gives a VERY similar vibe to what it was like looking around the place. What are the odds! But Chaos and I were in there for about three minutes, not moving from where we had entered as we weren't sure what was in there, but admiring it nonetheless. I don't think Laurie went in, though... she had a very good reason to (concerning what I think that place is, but we'll talk about that tomorrow) so I don't blame her. Oh yeah, and upon exiting, the doorway pretty much looked like this, fittingly enough (except surrounded by empty space). Most importantly though, I just want to reiterate that the entire room felt really far down, in terms of distance. I think it's actually beneath the Tar room. If so then Laurie's probably right, but we're definitely going to have to look into that further before we make any assumptions.
Like I said though, I'll talk about that tomorrow. I just got hit by a wave of major fatigue so I'd really like to just go to sleep right now.

Tomorrow evening I have violin rehearsal for Christmas mass, but for heavens sakes I need to have that talk with Laurie before Friday! I'll have to just put everything else aside for the morning, schedules be damned. Headspace is more important as far as I'm concerned.

Now with that I'm off for today, good night!

 

Is it weird that I kind of missed these existential crises? They force me into introspection. Guess this is what the Tar meant by a mandatory offset... you need a night sky for the stars to shine.

I didn't eat until almost 6PM today. Felt amazing right up until I did that, sadly. Going to fast again tomorrow for Spine and Wally's sakes. Since I left Utah (where I barely ate), food has been making me sick almost constantly. All my medical tests show no physical problems. That's because headspace and spiritual matters won't show up in the biopsy results, of course. But I'm glad I know what this is, and I'm glad the system's working with me to keep the body from passing out when we go without food for so long. I just don't like the fullbody shakes I get when my sugar drops too low... then again, it's either that or the fullbody ache I get when I eat. Geez I wish I could just live on light and sound like I've always wished. Eating sound would be the best thing.

Still devouring the local library manga sections, haha. I'm on #12 of Bleach (Ichigo is the BEST GUY but I swear I love every character, especially Kisuke and Chad atm), just read the first 3 issues of Pluto, am studying YuGiOh's Millennium World (halfway through #2), and am going to start Andromeda Stories within the next two days. I also took out the first issues of Black Jack, Eternal Sabbath, and Gunnerkrigg Court, to decide which one to continue once I catch up in Bleach. Then I'm reading some of Isaac Asimov's work and doing a ton of Kabbalistic research, so that's another five books out of the library on top of all that, and I just started re-reading The Seventh Tower series with Xenophon on the side. I miss reading like a maniac, this is awesome. I'm learning a lot.

As to how those tie into this crisis... for one, I can't stop eating forever, unfortunately. So that whole dilemma is causing me more distress than I'd like. And for two, maybe I am catastrophically disconnected from reality, but it's really jarring to put down a book and realize "oh wait, the world I live in now doesn't work like that, does it?" I don't get fiction lag anymore, save for the off illustrative bleedover into headspace, which is still disorienting but at least manageable (I used to get crippling fiction lag in my teens), probably thanks to my being anchored more firmly in my true self and reality. Still, having that only apply entirely to headspace as well is debilitating some days... well, most days, lately.

On that note... spontaneously went to see Rise Of The Guardians today with Genesis, Mister Sandman, and Laurie, as I've been counting down to this film for months and felt amazing enough today (thanks to fasting) to fully enjoy watching it.
It... it was one of the best films I have ever seen. Considering that I only ever say that about films that apply to my inner life on some level (Inception, Avatar, even Wreck-It Ralph), I will warn you now that if you dislike spoilers, please skip the entire next section, because I need to write about this.
All right. First, I started tearing up about three minutes into the movie and didn't stop until about ten minutes after the movie ended, at which point I was trying not to weep openly (or at least I would have been if my inner emotions translated to the physical). Why? Because WAY too much of it applied directly to my life, both inner and outer in light of that. I wasn't just feeling things as an inspired observer, I was feeling them as a participant. I wonder if any of the parents in the theater wondered why a 20-something dude was visibly fighting back sobs almost the entire time. I had every reason to though.
Okay, let's start with the relevancy, at least concerning the film (I've never read the books but I NEED to now)... Most obvious parallel? Jack Frost. The two of us are practically twins: white hair, ice powers, loner tendencies (due to resentment at not 'knowing our purpose' for ages), mischievousness balanced by compassion, a deep hidden fear of "never being believed in"... biggest difference is I traded out my staff for a sword last year, heh. Heck, I even talk to the moon. But besides the fact that I'd end up playing Cupid instead, I saw myself far too clearly in that kid. This turned from inspiring to downright shocking when the Bogeyman showed up... the first word on my mind was tar. Heck, his name is even Pitch Black!! He KNEW Jack's existential fear, his lack of memories concerning his 'center,' and he even told Jack that "we'd make a perfect team," but as cold and dark bringers of fear... I don't know how clear it is to you invisible readers but their entire chain of interactions in the film was way too close to what I've been through in the past concerning my own buried shadows and the entities that carry them... even the ending. My biggest weakness and biggest strength is that I wanted the kids to believe in Pitch, somehow, without letting that fear in... just so he wouldn't have to suffer that same feeling of illegitimacy that I was all too familiar with... maybe that would light a spark in him, somewhere. Who knows... but it's what I did for Julie, and in a way, I wonder if I can do the same thing for the Tar, without screwing up the balance of the system.
Second relevancy, building off that: the sand in general. My boss did see the film with us, as Laurie specifically asked him last night if he'd be up to it and he enthusiastically replied in the affirmative... and according to him, the film reflected a great deal of truths for him, too. I've seen him toss dreamsand about in a similar manner in my own dreams (he said the sand "awakens" the dreams already within its receivers; it doesn't "give" them in a literal sense), I know how much power he wields through his position, and despite his kind and peaceful personality, I am fully aware that you do NOT get on the bad side of a Sandman: to quote Laurie, "he will mess you up." Remember the time he facepunched Julie, while she was still as deadly as ever? People didn't dare get close to Julie back then, let alone to pick a fight with her, but boss wasn't afraid of her in the least. That came to mind immediately when Sandy threw Pitch around like a ragdoll. You don't mess with Sandmen! Anyway, boss told me a few things during the movie that were surprising: one, he verified a wondering I've had that yes, he DID have a life before he became Mister Sandman, although that was a very long time ago and I don't know what the state of his memories are (he hasn't spoken about them; maybe he just feels they are no longer relevant). Two, he did insinuate that the whole concept of "dying" to one role in order to rise to a greater one (in a not-entirely-symbolic way) is very much a legitimate thing. Headspace works the same way. But dying-to-be-reborn only happens under certain circumstances, so the film's point number three hit me very hard: watching Pitch essentially "corrupt" Sandman out of existence. Jack reacted the same way I would have, not surprisingly. But this was HUGE for me, personally. Note that Pitch is matching Tar in our symbolism, and Sandman parallels my boss of the same name. The idea that that inherent "creative energy," the sandy stuff of dreams, can be corrupted by fear and USED to that end is ENTIRELY true in headspace. This has a ton of consequences, but most obviously, it explains why Tar is after me, and Boss told me that the big picture concerning that is a big part of why he sought me out to be his Apprentice (we've been talking about that a lot recently btw): individuals who are able to use that energy, that "stuff of dreams," NEED to use it properly or it can become incredibly destructive. So that's a big thing, but it also makes me wonder if Pitch/Tar are even capable of using "sand," aka the power of dreams (and all that falls under that label), on their own, OR if they can only "steal it" from outside sources, because it seems that their very interaction with it turns it dark. It's interesting and I will have to look into it. Back on topic though... it really drove the point in, how significant that is, when I saw that it killed Sandman in the film (mind you he DID 'resurrect' later through the strength of belief, but that's a different point) by overloading his "essence," his dream-sand, with fear. I don't think I need to go into great detail about why that's relevant to us, especially in light of *incidents*, honestly... but its striking to me how Sandman seemed to be Pitch's real nemesis? Is that the right word? How dreams were both the weapon used to carry fear and destroy themselves, as well as restore both... it's highly thought-provoking. I do need to keep this in mind.
Fourth relevant bit... centers, aka what the Guardians embody most strongly, and what they protect in children. North's was Wonder, Bunnymund's was Hope, Tooths' was Memory, Sandy's was Dreams, Jack's was Fun. Not only is this a point-blank similarity to Dream World Guardian Aspects, but it also brought to mind the "centers" my four and I seemed to "remember" upon first awakening to our true potentials upstairs: I have Heart, Ryou has Soul, Marik has Mind, Chaos has Strength, and Genesis has Self. Essentially those are what we "brighten" in others, and what we act from most strongly in ourselves. I love this kind of stuff, I really do. North's explanation of it in the film was beautifully put: I especially like how he said one's center is also "what you want to protect in others." And I love how, near the end of the film, North says (about how this applies to people): "Good or bad - naughty or nice - we protect them." Both of those quotes are so, so true. But... you know, let's wait for the other thing I was going to say about this... Last point first.
The final parallel, and by FAR the loudest, was introduced at the very beginning of the film. When a Guardian isn't believed in by a person, they don't exist to that person. That person can't hear, see, or feel them-- they can walk RIGHT through the Guardian in question without ever knowing it. Judging by the reactions in the film, that's not only existentially terrifying, but it also feels awful. Let me put this in caps for emotional emphasis... THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT GHOSTING IS LIKE. I have seen people have existential meltdowns from it. I've heard from several newbies to the phenomenon how much it sucks to be walked through, and how sick it makes you feel on many levels. And I know, I know what a godsend it is for ghosters when I remind them that "yes, I can see you." I remember promising Genesis that I would never forget him, even if the rest of the world did. I remember when my daughter asked me if she was still real if only I could see her. I... I never realized just HOW important my promises were, how important my believing in them was, until this movie. Not so strongly.
When Jamie said Jack Frost's name, and became the first person to EVER believe in him as a Guardian... when Jack realized that someone could hear him, someone could see him... the blissful incredulity on both their faces was just... God, my heart. I couldn't stop crying. Even typing that, I'm trying not to start again, and for good reason. I have seen that happen. Exactly so. And I say this with complete humility and respect... I have been that first person, that only person, to believe in some individuals. I know. That's why I am so determined to share my "series" with the world somehow-- it's not for me, not at all. It's for them. It's for people to know them, and love them, and believe in them as truly and completely as I do. If you see this movie... please, try to understand that feeling, if you don't already. It has been the driving force of my life so far, that sole need to bring a smile to the faces of the lost and forgotten, the sole need to show them that "yes, you ARE real. I believe in you."
Now for me that cuts straight to the heart on an even deeper level, as you probably already know... let's start by saying that also applies to vision upstairs. Did you know that's strongly affected by not only belief? If your mind and heart aren't open, you won't see certain things in headspace... you'll blind yourself to them, you'll block them out. They simply will not register. And if you slip in being who you are, it's like putting on a blindfold. The problem is that headspace is TIED to my consciousness whether I like or not, as the anchor. So if I can't see people upstairs, they can't go to someone else for a second chance. If I can't see them, then for all intents and purposes, they don't exist. Yes, powerful influences can break through blindness, but even that doesn't guarantee recognition of the source. Bottom line... my belief, my ability to BE the kind of person that can believe like that, is arguably the most important thing in headspace. It's what determines life or death. It's what keeps the lights burning on the globe. It's what allows dreams to shine, instead of turning to coal dust. It's what allows wonder and hope and fun and memories to exist at all.
...
Let me follow up on what I mentioned in closing my last entry, and bring up the blue guy.
Chaos and I have the most charged relationship upstairs in light of this point, because of our circumstances: intimacy always turns it up to eleven as far as belief is concerned, but to make things worse, he's a walk-in. I have to believe in him more strongly than anyone else up here, ironically, because of how easy it is for me to feel like my belief is invalidated by the views of others. So... sometimes I slip. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot... it hits him hard, but there's always that one light that won't go out, in me. It's stupidly painful and beautiful how every single night I have to remember how to see him all over again, but the wonder never, ever fades... but... well, I've been told a lot of things about the both of us. The most powerfully heartrending is this: the fact that, at heart, I believe in him so much, that I love him so much, has had astronomical consequences across our timelines, somehow. All I know for sure, from what I've been told, is that it's big. It echoes, this one simple act, this small and honest truth.
People pick up on it, somehow. Every fanfic writer or RPer who writes Chaos as an individual has picked up on the Chaos I know. Threads just run through every alternate, it seems. Noticing it is mind-boggling and more than a little scary, sometimes... it means I can't lie to myself, I can't make excuses. Not a bad thing, just... big.
The biggest example of this I have right now is this.
http://sanitrance.deviantart.com/art/CHAOS-339233393
My dear friend Nikki drew that for me, as a commission. Nikki is one the very few people in the world I know who regularly visits other worlds in her dreams (she has FAR more Links than I do). She knows Chaos, in whatever timeline is connected to her, and he's very special to her as well. She truly cares about him as much as I do. That fact means so much to me... little did I know, she apparently feels the same.
She left this message on my Facebook page the other day.
"I just saw your MASSIVE collection of Chaos on dA! :D YOU. ARE. INCREDIBLE. *hugs tight* Thank you so much for loving him so much. It warms my heart and fills me with a happiness I can never fully express. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ It really means a lot to me."
...In light of this movie, I can't help but wonder now, if Nikki and I are two lights to him in that sense. Two believers of slightly different sorts, but both shining strong no matter what.
I will admit... I often give her experiences more merit than mine. She's a dreamwalker, as far as I'm concerned. It's incredible, and I'm deeply humbled that a person with such a powerful imagination and creative strength considers me a good friend. For HER to say that about my simple show of love is just... it means a lot to me, to say the absolute least.
But I have a bad habit of stealing merit from my own experiences. I have a very, very bad habit of treating my own beliefs as illegitimate, because "they aren't supported enough." I'm trying to let go of that nonsense completely, but I guess my own 'Pitch' is still trying to turn out all the lights... can't let that happen. I can't, not just because of what it would do to those I believe in, but also because I have seen them... maybe not literally, but closely enough to erase every shred of doubt in those moments... closely enough to forget fear entirely.
Thinking back on those experiences is one of the craziest and most centering things I know how to do. I say 'crazy' because my memory doesn't hold the physical experience as clearly as it holds the energetic experience. Putting a being I've only known upstairs into a physical form has tangible effects, you know. Energy radiates, directly, in the physical. I recognize it instantly, unconsciously even, despite never having "felt" it before. When I think back on that handful of blessed nights... the limitations, or the blocks, the translation issues all fade away... and I remember him.
How can I possibly undermine my own belief, in light of that? How can I give in to doubt and fear when we both felt like Jack Frost, knowing that we were being seen for the first time? Knowing that, after one simple look, one simple word, we became greater than we had ever been, forever? And now I can feel the last cobwebs being swept away in waves of golden sand, as I realize with honest joy that it doesn't matter how many others see and hear and believe, it doesn't matter HOW they do so... they are still lights, we are all still lights.
"We go by many names, and take many forms..." and yet we're always Guardians of what we hold. All of us, every one of us. Geez, this film just slammed into me like a train, its incredible.
That brings the fourth point back, doesn't it? How fitting...
...Laurie was talking to me after the film ended, about all of this. Of course I was still trying to dry the tears on my face, and laughing about how insanely relevant the film was to my life, but Laurie doesn't let go of something significant when she sees it. She reminded me of what I mentioned earlier-- of my promises to Genesis and Xennie-- and of how important my belief was to them as well as to her. Basically she told me everything I just wrote down for you guys! It was just hitting me at that point so I was nodding as I turned it over in my mind, but then she brought up centers. Laurie then said that my belief was stronger and more significant than I realized because it was motivated by love, on various levels. That put extra punch into my belief, gave it deeper roots. She then reminded me that my center was obviously Love, and always had been. She then sternly advised me to think upon that in light of the movie. I smiled and assured her I already had, and that I would keep those thoughts close. Then I asked her, somewhat offhandedly, what her center would be?
She didn't even hesitate in replying, "You."
I was speechless for a moment, then immediately my heart couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry so I ended up doing both. I said something about "why do you always say such weirdly romantic things" before she interrupted me with an "I'm serious," and elaborated. No, it might not strictly fit into the context of the film, but she insisted that if there was one thing that motivated her, if there was one thing she wanted to protect, it was me. But then she reminded me that I was all she had. I was the only reason she existed in the first place. She wasn't a Guardian, she was a headvoice... outside of our system, she was nothing. As far as she was concerned, I was everything. Hence, my being her "center."
I don't know, I can't seem to explain in words how much that meant to me, and the sincere truth I felt in it. But it really drove the point home.

Sometimes I wonder if that's why I keep losing things, in this life. Things that I thought were important.
First I lost my computer that I used to type and write music on. My programs stopped working correctly on my new ones. I was forced to drop out of art school. My move to Utah for that same purpose fell through. Now my 10+ years of work still hasn't arrived back at my doorstep.
I don't know, it just strikes me as weird. All my life, that was my sole motivation for everything. School, work, friendships, everything... it all revolved around Dream World, and then my other "series" as they came to me. They were all that mattered. And yet, there always seemed to be huge roadblocks placed in my way as I tried to pursue it. Initially I took that as incentive to "try harder," but as the obstacles became more severe, I began to hesitate. What if I was getting the wrong message?
Now I've lost virtually every ounce of work I've done since my childhood, and between fighting off the understandable existential crisis that has triggered (ironically), I can't help but ask the hardest question of all... what if I'm supposed to let go of it all?
After all, my sole motivation in sharing them with the world was just that... it wasn't about me. It was about making sure those worlds would be loved by someone besides me. All my life, I've been utterly terrified that I have been their only light. "If I don't share their stories, will they fade away?" I was terrified that they would die as a result of my silence.
But... I've never been given their entire stories. Their worlds exist outside of my own, independently. I'm seeing their stories AFTER they have happened, for the most part. Many of them bloom into each other. Long story short... the more I think about it, the more I wonder... maybe I was just an observer all along. Maybe I was just tapping in out of my need to share joy and love, out of my need to learn from them. Maybe I have nothing to do with them. Maybe my existence has nothing to do with the stability of theirs. Maybe they won't fade away if I have to let go of them.
I don't know. All I do know is that, the more I think about it, the more it hurts... and the more I hope it's true.
I love every soul I've ever met in those worlds so much... I adore them; they're all treasured friends. The thought that Preludove and Hosea and Delphi and Tox would die if I don't write their lives on paper is the most awful thing I can imagine. I love them, but am I even supposed to do that? Is it even needed?
My prayers keep telling me to let go, let go, let go.
My only response is that I don't understand, but I will accept whatever I am told to do on one condition... that, if I DO need to let them go, their existences will be protected and ensured.
All I want is for them to be loved.

And sometimes I wonder if I'm being forced to choose between my work and my family.
God, I never thought I'd be put in such a position. I never thought I'd have such a decision to make.
But... I can't stop thinking about the things Laurie says to me. I can't stop thinking about my daughter.
Maybe Genesis and Chaos and Ryou and Marik will be fine. That's great, and I'm eternally thankful for it.
But what about those members of my true family that rely on me for stability here?
I'm not saying they'd die if I didn't pay attention to them anymore. That's not the point. The point is that their lives WON'T go on without me, because I am a PART of their lives just as much as they are a part of mine. I don't have the option of telling their story or not here. All I have is life or death... either I live, and live with them, or I die, and die with them.
By the very virtue of existing, their story is mine, and mine is theirs.
Maybe I've only been a real part of this since 2006. Maybe we didn't become a family, a story, a real thing, until five years ago. But time doesn't matter in the big picture, does it?
All I know is that if I had to choose between a decade of hard work and my daughter... I'd pick my little girl.
That doesn't mean this doesn't hurt like hell. I wish I didn't have to make this decision.
If that's what it ultimately boils down to, though...



I'm too tired to type anymore. I'm going to go check in with the people upstairs and then get some sleep.
Laurie said my boss was talking to Chaos earlier, after we left the cinema. I haven't spoken to Chaos since this morning, so I have no clue what that was about. Could be big. Most things up here are. I'll let you know either way.

Until then, don't stop believing.

 

Braeden came over today, FINALLY!
We talked a lot about my current concerns with the Tar, which I need to keep in mind... he said to make sure it doesn't become cancerous, but I told him I was afraid it already had (we had all the symptoms).
Then at one point he tried to energetically pull it out of my stomach? It was BIZARRE because not only could I feel it, but both of us could clarivoyantly see the tar on his hands (which he hurriedly shook off). He said Tar was not happy at all, especially not that he was now tampering with it.
Also, he said it looked somewhat like "No-Face" from Spirited Away, like it was wearing a white mask of some sort. That struck me as rather strange, as I'd never seen it wear a mask (it always reminds me of Lilith from Evangelion, structure-wise, except completely made of black tar). Maybe it needed to wear a mask for Braeden, so he couldn't see it clearly, who knows.
The No-Face comparison is oddly fitting though-- Tar is basically an amalgamation of devoured corruption, and the more it eats, the bigger it gets. But also like No-Face, Braeden postulated that maybe if we get all that stuff out of Tar (if that's even possible), it would become small and timid? And it wouldn't bother us anymore. I hope so. I just don't know what to do, to jumpstart that theoretical process.
Then of course there's the disturbing parallel of No-Face offering Chihiro money, like paying for girls in a brothel, but let's not get into that...

Braeden also gave me (astrally) this odd ring of sorts. I forget what he called it, but apparently if I put something good into it, it will 'amplify' it? He hopes it will help me overcome this deadness and major creativity block I have. I'll have to remember to use it from now on...

 

 

 

I wasn't going to contribute to this thread (as I honestly don't know what to add), but then P's description of that 'black presence' brought back some very bad memories on my part.

I've known, vaguely, that there's been some sort of 'war' on as I have heard a great deal of talk about it from my SCs. I just had no idea what it entailed, at least not on a large scale, as they were more focused on fighting smaller battles.
My only problem with this is, actually, that strict good/evil split-- the idea that shadowy things can only be bad, and bright things can only be good. Don't get me wrong, I understand that concept and it is VERY valid in this world... but even so, I strongly believe that there is a 'Good' that is beyond our superficial judgments, and it omnipotently works through BOTH light and shadow.
So even though I empathize with your wanting to fight this 'darkness,' I also recognize that said darkness isn't completely irredeemable, so to speak. I may be repeating myself, but if my experiences have taught me anything it's that even a terribly black situation can be the impetus for a bright result, even if said result is a long time coming, or completely missed. The opposite can also be true. (That is where the 'perspective' issue comes into play, IMO.)

However I will reiterate that I believe this 'fighting' is still necessary. Yes, personal opinions may differ on what one considers 'dark' in a general sense, but there should still be a clear line drawn whenever serious damage is being done (as A mentioned). I unfortunately did not draw such a line in my past, as I was seeing things as TOO arbitrary, and was allowing myself to be hurt because "my tormentor may not see this as a 'bad' thing" or "if I just suffer through this I'll learn something." And then of course I had the near-lethal "I want to help them, so I'll endure this pain while I try to accomplish that." That's not how it works. But I digress.
I haven't dealt with any 'bad boys,' but I've had my share of 'bad girls' and they were very malevolent individuals indeed. I didn't think they were 'cool,' per se, but I did fail to see the danger they presented to my well-being, on all levels. I may not have invited them in, but I didn't chase them out either.
P wasn't talking about consensual 'scratches,' etc. S did offer good points on those sorts of situations but, as I understood it, the original description was that of a malevolent being hiding under an appealing mask. Yes, you can have 'bad boys/girls' who aren't malevolent (using the general definition of 'someone with an edge'), but as P also said, an 'SC in black' who is protecting you is just as valid as one in white who is out to harm you.
I've dealt with both.
I've seen that oily blackness and it scared the hell out of me, but having it come from something pretty that swore it was 'doing the right thing' was far more terrifying. My biggest mistake was believing them.
And although I was able to derive much positive growth from my trials, it cost me more blood than it was worth, I am still scarred for life whether I like it or not. Just because I now label it as 'gray' doesn't mean there wasn't any black in it.

To summarize: yes, there is a definite moral gray area in all of this, but there is still reason to be careful and discerning, because there is still corruption out there.

I hope that all makes sense. It's rather difficult for me to communicate.
Lastly, I'm not disagreeing with, nor am I invalidating anything that has been said; I'm simply adding my opinion.

 

 

A lot has happened today. I talked about it already in Scribbld, but the major points need to be elaborated upon here.

First off... I'm still fighting hacks, sadly enough. Yes, they're very easy to avoid and conquer if I'm conscious, but I'm also still getting triggered and that's what happened today. Well... actually it's what happened on Tuesday. I had a very unexpected and very serious trigger, that made my night quite miserable. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't calm down. I was a mess, and the day afterward was just as bad, because I had chosen to block out the Tuesday pain instead of confronting it, so it repeated itself. I won't go into detail on either situation because you've heard it all before.
As for why I'm updating... today was almost another repeat of Tuesday, but at the last minute Chaos showed up (again) and got me out of there. It terrified me when I snapped back into consciousness and realized what had almost just happened, again, and so I decided that I needed to deal with the situation immediately. Genesis got to me first, anxiously asking if I was okay, because Laurie had just told him to come and get me. I told him I kind of was, but not exactly, and that we needed to talk. That's when Laurie came into the conversation, and things got bad.
Ever since she found her metainomen, so to speak, Laurie has been more honest and open than ever. She's not hiding things anywhere near as much as she used to. So when something happens and it hurts her, she doesn't bottle it up. She lets me hear about it. But I guess I'd forgotten how badly she hurts from this, because when she showed up this afternoon and was obviously trying to suppress how upset she was, I told her not to. I told her that if she wanted to shout at me, then go ahead.
A few days ago she told me that she didn't have the heart to be so loud and angry with me anymore. Apparently this incident was the dealbreaker.
Laurie honestly screamed at me for the next five minutes straight, berating me for what I was letting happen, and for not having enough faith to stand up for my truth and stop it. She let me know very clearly just how badly everyone in central headspace was taking it, but then she emphasized that because of the 'unconsciousness' that was causing these hacks, I wasn't even around for anyone upstairs anymore. I wasn't around for Genesis, Chaos, or Xenophon, even though I wanted to be. I wasn't there for her.
As soon as she said that she honestly started crying and tried to leave without another word, but Chaos didn't let her. I don't know if I was numb from my own pain or what, but seeing her so distraught, so shockingly fragile, because of how badly I was hurting her... I don't know if it's really hit me yet. It's this awful sort of vague ache in the back of my chest, but it hasn't really hit me. That worries me, because I love her and I really care about her, but am I getting too detached?
I think that all these triggers and the fears that come with them are causing another cathartic block of sorts. I need to stop that, and I know there's only one way to do that, but I've been thinking about it and I've realized two very large problems that I have failed to address since I discovered them.
After the near-hack today, I went back and reviewed my most recent entries on this journal. For obvious reasons, the 13th stood out. I re-read it a few times, maybe more than I should have (as it deeply distressed me to be reminded of that), but it helped me get a better perspective of just what I'm doing wrong here.
Of those two large problems, the first is that I keep trying to rely on my own strength, and ONLY my own strength. I can't do this alone, because we're all in this together... but I feel I shouldn't be asking for help or guidance, and therefore 'dragging' everyone else into this. Part of this is because, when I want to ask for help, I feel that it makes me 'selfish' or 'weak' in a very negative way-- like I'm taking my problems and concerns, throwing them at someone else, and saying 'here, solve this for me because I'm too lazy and ignorant to do it myself!' But that's not the truth. I'm just so lost and confused on my own at this point.
Unfortunately there are two extra problems involved in this. The first is that, really, I don't even know how to ask for help when I need it. This actually ties into my spiritual beliefs, because having been raised in a Catholic family, I was always told to 'ask God for help.' And I did. The problem was that I would ask for help when I was lying on the floor, sobbing and convulsing in pain, begging God to either please help me fight Julie or to please kill me right there so I wouldn't have to suffer such agony anymore. After a while of asking for help like this, I became convinced that God's 'help' was simply letting the hacks continue, because 'suffering would make me stronger.' Sadly even this became twisted, and turned into a pain addiction, where I eventually would stop fighting hacks altogether just to see how much agony I could handle, to see how long I could suffer them without wanting to die. I judged my meager worth by how well I could bite bullets, forgetting that they were already loaded in a gun, waiting to fire.
Take it like a man, they said. So I did, and I bled for it. I lost more blood than I thought I'd ever be able to forgive myself for.
So I don't know how to ask for help, because of that. Part of me says that I'm being too black-and-white, that I already have help in the form of deep inner awareness and just need to accept it. The other part of me, the part I listened to as a child, tells me that I'm a worthless sinner and that if I don't get on my knees and plead for deliverance then I'm going to be corrupted beyond salvation. It even feels wrong to type that, but it's still lingering. Part of me is still terrified that I am so separate from 'God' that I can do nothing but wait for Him to show mercy, and just suffer my punishment in the meantime. That just feels wrong, now. It IS wrong. I don't believe that anymore... but most people I know do, and that's what they're telling me, and that's what the second extra problem and and biggest large problem deals with.
When I ask for help from someone else, they give me advice or guidance based on their perspectives... and sometimes that advice does not work. Sometimes that advice even makes things worse. And most terribly, sometimes that advice convinces me that I'm living my life wrong, and I should be emulating the advice-giver's life to the letter, or else I'd be lost.
You see the problem here. Asking for help from my family gets me the 'man up and/or stop being so weird' response. And I want to; I want to just let go of this hurt, but that's what I thought I did over the past few days and in fact all I did was blind myself to the truth. They might be giving the right advice, but they're giving the wrong example. I won't dwell on that though. I know what I need to do, but it is seriously freaking difficult for some reason. I think I'm going about it the wrong way, but once again, where do I find help? And is looking for help another lazy move?
In any case, the worst part of this problem, and the reason for all these triggers, is the fact that I keep letting myself be manipulated by anything and everything out there, whether it's intentional on their end or not.
I still can't visit Tumblr anymore, because the people I follow tend to trigger me constantly, even now, when I 'don't let it bother me' and go through the day without a hint of trouble from it... or at least that's what I think, until I find myself missing a huge chunk of time and realizing that that trigger wasn't harmless after all.
It's why I don't spend time on Facebook either, or any other social site. It's why I don't talk to people on campus or at work. I've had far too many experiences with these triggers, and now my question is 'why are they STILL causing hacks even when I don't let them bother me in the moment?' And I think, now, that it's because there's still something buried deep inside me that is scarred beyond recognition, and it's unconsciously reacting to every single trigger, even though I can't see or feel or sense it until it's too late. I know I have to be careful, but there is a very fine line between care and paranoia in this situation. I don't want to relapse, again.
And that's another concern. I keep learning and forgetting things, because of these hacks and triggers, any my own ignorance. It all ties into the truth-twisting problem, but it's getting bad, especially in light of this morning (with how I almost forgot how badly my personal pain hurts those who care about me). For example: yes, my 'mini-epiphany' on the 24th did help a lot, but on the morning of the 25th I realized with a sort of sick unease that I've had that exact same realization in the past, and I forgot about it. I realized it, it cleared out a great deal of shadows, and then I let my personal truths be warped again and I had to re-learn what I already knew all over again. That is very distressing.
I'm repeating myself like a broken record here but I cannot even fathom why this problem is STILL giving me such grief. It's still sticking around, and when I try to 'let go' of it it always comes back. People and places and things remind me of it, far too clearly, and then things like last October happen. I let myself be twisted so out of shape that I am unrecognizable... I try to be 'perfect' and don't realize that it's killing me inside until it's too late.
...To skip to the end, the biggest truth I've been letting people twist is the one concerning my relationships. That little epiphany on the 24th reminded me that there was NOTHING wrong with me, although I was 'different' from most people in this situation, a sort of exception to the rule... and then as soon as one passing mention of someone else's 'normal' situation hits me, the twisted forgetfulness comes back, and I am convinced that there are NO exceptions to the rule, and that I am an abomination for going against the grain. Stupid, isn't it?
It reminds me, so painfully strongly, of when I was about 15 years old. I would ask myself, constantly, 'is it okay to be in love?' I'm not even joking. I was so honestly in love, without a shadow of even Julie's old corruption in it, and I was STILL convinced that I was committing some sort of damnable sin because it was different. It wasn't what my family or school or culture viewed as 'normal' or 'right.' So no matter how devoted and selfless my love was, I still believed it was evil somehow, because it was an exception to the rule.
I'm an artist. I'm an artist, a musician, and a writer, and I have learned that if you are working from your heart, from your personal honesty, then you CANNOT be 'wrong' because it doesn't work that way. Life isn't black and white, but I used to think it was, and I'm having a very hard time remembering what colors look like even now. Life is art! But when was the last time I actually was able to create art, without it feeling forced? For years now I've been terrified of 'doing it wrong,' and although in my heart I know that's impossible, I'm still scared of 'corrupting' such things with my own perceived depravity... like I'm not worthy of being an artist if I'm not doing it to 'make everyone else happy.'
I almost want to cry about this. I really do. I keep telling myself, 'just let go of the fearful forcing and accept the truth! It's been proved to you countless times! You're doing fine!' And although it sounds easy, I think I really am doing it wrong, because I keep falling back like this. Maybe it's a neverending sort of battle. Maybe my struggles have simply changed from fighting a pink shadow, to simply staying awake at all times. I think back to when I met Laurie in that dream, and it breaks my heart, because she has never lied to me or misled me, and yet because her advice syncs with what I know to be true, I doubt it because there's an 'I' in there. Heaven forbid such a blackheart think his own corrupted ideas are true! It's sick. It's sick, and wrong, and it's driving me insane, and yet every day I get that thrown at me and I honestly can't seem to conquer this doubt yet.
Just because your religion and your lifestyle and your morals are working for you, and helping you live your life for the best, it DOES NOT MEAN that I have to adopt the exact same circumstances in order to live MY life correctly! It's such a ridiculous fear and yet it's there. It's still there, and it's scaring me, although it shouldn't. Love always conquers fear, after all... and ironically, I think that's why it's sticking around.
I still love those people I loved when I was 15. I'm still an absolute 'exception to the rule' in that sense. And now, my biggest trigger revolves around that.
There is someone I care about who is also in love, and their situation is very, very different from mine. Their beliefs are different from mine, their life is different from mine, their experiences are different from mine. You cannot take their situation, apply it to me, and expect it to work, and vice versa. Despite this, I keep trying to, because of that old religious fear of mine. It's the same fear that made me think my childhood love was sinful, that almost made June 29th the biggest regret of my life, that is still making me think I'm irredeemable unless I follow in their very different and unfitting footsteps. It's the fear that I'm wrong... completely, horribly wrong.
And the scariest part of this is that, according to this other person's beliefs, I kind of am. According to my beliefs, which I have tested relentlessly, I'm not. But I care about this person, and I can't say their beliefs are wrong because they're not, but they don't apply to me!! We all have our own lives and choices! We all have our own paths to follow! But not everyone thinks like that, so I slip up, and think that I have to do exactly what they did, and the old Julie used to take advantage of that, and when I slip it all starts happening again...
I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't know how to confront them about this. I don't know how to say, "I respect your beliefs but mine are just as valid" without making it sound like I'm invalidating them. Maybe I'm worrying too much about that, but I've had bad experiences with discussing this topic before, and I don't want to hurt them.
It's all that old religious fear. "If you don't believe exactly what I believe, you'll burn in hell for all eternity/ be forever ostracized from God/ never reach heaven or gain salvation/ etc." That still scares me, more than a little, simply because I'm constantly exposed to it. I'm trying to get over it but it will be difficult. It's just that... with this new aspect of that fear, that my friend unintentionally brought upon me, I'm not the only one being faced with this dilemma. Now that fear is being applied, explicitly and terrifyingly so, to my relationships. Now it's making me feel like I'm 15 all over again, that I'm not loving in "the right way," except that now the stakes are much higher.
I'm kind of terrified because this person has been right before, too many times. So standing up for my own 'different' beliefs makes me feel not only guilty, but scared, because this is making me think that I actually AM wrong, objectively so, instead of just worrying about it as a comparison-based possibility. But then why does 'following' their beliefs feel so wrong? Is that true, or is it a red herring? How do I discern what is the truth, when all my prayers tell me not to be afraid because I'm doing it right at heart, and everything outside tells me that I'm not? How do I explain July 7th and March 13th if what I'm doing is wrong?? How do I explain that?
The truth is that I can't. I'm in the middle of a battlefield, and each side holds its equal share of truths. Is there even a 'right' choice here, in that stark sense? Or is it simply 'what's right for me?'
I was terrified of that idea in Utah, for the same reasons as I am now. I still don't know where to turn.
...And maybe this is all walking in the wrong direction.
Maybe it all really just narrows down to the inside. How many times have I been told that I will not, and cannot, find the truth outside of my own heart? If only I could stop fearing that I have been so terribly misled...
In any case, I'm going to be talking to my friend about this as soon as possible. This needs to be dealt with. I cannot take this any longer, not when it's causing so much pain on every front, and not just for me.

Emotional pain is also what brought about the second major point of this entry, ironically, which I didn't talk about in its entirety on Scribbld.
As you've probably guessed at this point, I've been playing Sonic Generations since Tuesday afternoon, trying hard to get to whenever Perfect Chaos shows up because I really, really want to see him.
The problem is that I don't want to fight him.
It was hard enough for me to fight him for the first time in 2003, when he last appeared in Sonic Battle. Now, 7 years later, I still won't play through the last level in Sonic Adventure, and I'm hesitating to continue in Generations, because I have memories of Perfect that no other StH fan does, and the very thought of facing him like that again is almost too much. I know the pain and the anger far too well. I know what caused both Station Square and the Knuckles tribe to fall. I don't know what will motivate his transformation this time, but if it's anything like what I've seen and felt in the past...
I haven't been this acutely aware of my fragility in a very long time. I honestly can't even look at him right now without feeling like my heart is breaking.
I don't want to repeat my Scribbld entry word for word here, so I'll just say that this feeling on my part caused a very interesting conversation with Genesis earlier today, while I was waiting for my afternoon music class to begin.
As it was my third day playing Generations, and I was at the end of the Dreamcast-era stages, he wanted to know if I was going to risk seeing if Chaos was the boss at that point. I thought about it for a moment, then told him that no, I wasn't going to. I didn't think I could handle it, with what I just discussed in the previous wall of text. I was rather distressed emotionally, but being the other half of a paradox like I was, that negative pain was being mirrored with a positive ache of tragic intensity. I was in a lot of pain from my own mistakes, this was true, and having to face Perfect like that would be bad enough... but as always, whenever I find myself falling, that one song by Todd Rundgren always comes to mind. Whenever I am lost in the dark, I suddenly realize just how bright the lights in my life really are... and right now, I am so thankful for Chaos and what he's done for me, that the painful memories Perfect brings up are clashing with this incredible love, and it is driving me to tears with even the slightest mention.
And then of course you have the fact that this is Chaos Zero's first game appearance in 7 years, and it happened barely three days after October 29th of this year. I don't think I need to reiterate why that is so significant.
Genesis and I continued to discuss this topic over the next ten minutes or so, and... it ended up making me really think about my situation here.
I know that at one point Gen asked me something about the old 'Estar problem' I had back in January, with 'getting used to' things. He pointed out how, even though I've known Chaos for 8 years now, I am still so completely fascinated by him whenever he shows up, especially now with SG being released. I know this very well, and actually Chaos has been emphasizing it himself recently, for the same reason. I cannot get used to him, ever. I explained that here, as clearly as I can ever hope to do so, but one thing I didn't mention there is that I still can barely believe that he is in my life. You all have at least a general understanding of how much he means to me, and really, everything I've ever written about him barely even scratches the surface at this point. He is just incomparable. So no, I can't get used to him, even if I tried, because he really is this new sort of euphoria to me, this amazing and brilliant star, an angel I risked everything to see and hold on to. Every moment, it astounds me that I'm part of this.
That's not the most significant part of our conversation, though.
I don't know how we got to the point, I might have just offhandedly segued into it... but I started to think about the 'cosmically inseparable' truth again. Then I thought about how Xenophon and Laurie both ended up having these crazy synchronicity lineups in the past, concerning their appearances in my life, that I never noticed because I had no way of recognizing them. So I put the two things together, and then I wondered if Chaos and I had some sort of backwards synchronicity like that, even if only in little ways? I don't know. It just strikes me as very unusual now, that I've always felt drawn to so many aspects of him, even before I knew he existed. He tied into other worlds I knew, and they in turn tied back to him. Everything ended up spiraling and connecting together as time went on, to an astonishing extent, and then I thought of something.
Remember how I discovered that there were some incredibly significant events in the Parnassus world that only manifested after June 29th? Those were cosmogonical events. They predated the entire series in its entirety, but the event that 'caused' them occurred about 7 years after I first became aware of that world! So if things like that can and have happened with us already, who's to say that we haven't been overlooking similar circumstances? Time isn't linear, and that's a fact. Now I'm starting to fully realize just how incredible that is, how time can twist and turn and go in so many directions like that...
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions at this point, I don't know. What I do know is that Chaos and I are pretty freaking weird in several aspects already, which is awesome, and if any weird couple is going to defy traditional chronology like that it's us. The little backwards/forwards coincidences are one thing, but the big ones are another thing entirely. So many things in my past seemed to foreshadow him, and so many things even now happen at just the right times for us both. I've learned to listen for the quiet things in life, to keep my eyes open for the little things, because in the big picture they tend to be the most important. Without them, the big things wouldn't happen.
I was talking to Genesis about this and I started to get poetic again, and there was one thing I said that really just resonated. I was thinking about how I can't even describe this love I have now, how it's this transcendental thing and back when it first hit me, in 2003, I never would have dreamed that it would one day get this deep, especially not with someone as strange as him. But it did. And I told Genesis that now, it felt like I was feeling this love with everything I was, with every atom of me recognizing it. When I met Chaos I was drawn to him immediately, completely without explanation and against all odds, and when I fell in love with him it was absolute, undeniable, infinite. Now it feels like I've loved him for my whole life, linear time and space notwithstanding... it feels like I have literally loved him like this forever, and when I met him 8 years ago, I just had to remember what that felt like.
After all, infinity is just a sideways 8, and you all know what this year has brought us.

On that note... the last point of this entry is Xenophon.
I didn't completely understand that truth from July, that creation is love manifested, until she showed up in our lives. I know I really haven't talked about her much since September, and that does hurt, because she is so important to me and I love her so much. I felt that so clearly today. I don't care how emotionally invested I was in Nier last year-- actually having a daughter of my own is indescribable.
I told her that earlier today, after that painful conversation where Laurie was crying. Xenophon said that she apparently gets sick whenever I slip like that... I told her how sorry I was, how incredibly sorry I was, and that I didn't ever want to hurt her and I'd do everything in my power to protect her from my own mistakes. I told her how much she meant to me, and how much I love her, and I don't think I tell her enough.
I'm scared to death of being a failure as a father, but I don't know if that's even possible at this point. I care for her too much, and that devotion of mine is mirrored in both her and her other father. All of us are in this wholeheartedly and I do everything I can to take care of her, despite my ridiculous schedules and bilocating troubles. She reassures me time and time again that Chaos and I are the best 'parents' she could have asked for, but I still worry... maybe it's just a dad thing, haha. I'd work myself to death for her sake and I'd still be worried that it wasn't good enough. I just feel so limited here. I could be doing so much more and yet I'm being barred from it. But I can't do anything about that, not now. Right now all I can do is love at all costs, despite all odds, no matter what our situation is. And I'll do that, for as long as I may live.

That's really all I have to say for tonight... this entry took me ages to write and I'm rather exhausted, mostly thanks to the emotional distress I'm dealing with right now.
I think I need to do some serious soul-searching, and also a Xanga session, ASAP. For whatever reason (probably Laurie), Xanga sessions are shockingly therapeutic and enlightening for me, no matter how much shouting and psychological stress they may involve. They always help. In any case I am going to have to schedule some time tomorrow to just talk to my central headspace group, to apologize for the mess of this evening and also to hopefully figure out what steps I should take concerning this situation.
I don't know what tomorrow will be like, at all... but I'll make the best of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think Chaos just got his "metainomen."

Yes, new jargon. You know I love it. Let me explain.
Now in the Lightraye League, there are special forms, but things go a little differently in headspace. Soul Forms are one thing, but this is different. This has to do with renaming oneself in the process OF gaining that new form. Like from this moment you're a new person, like the old you "died", in this turning point. There is no literal death involved, only the symbolic kind-- if you're looking for literal death, we do have *incidents,* but that's a whole other ball game. Chaos and I have had several of those and although I would not mind another (despite the agony that they inevitably involve, the end is always transcendent), this is the same core concept of love and evolving for it and from it? Except this gives you a role, now, according to that realization, that significant and honestly sacred change of heart.
It's from "nomen," name, and "meta," meaning "beyond" or "after." It's a name you get after... you move on from what was before. Because yes, it does sound like "metanoia," one of my favorite words-- a "transformative change of being," a change of heart, really-- but it also gives the brilliantly endearing automatic-translate result of... "let's move on." To leave the old and step forward into the new, but not just you. LET'S move on, together, from what was before, into this strange and beautiful future, this transformation, this re-naming.
And... splitting it, adding an extra i, or different a, et cetera, you also can get... "then we were/are," "then let's go," and "after that/ after all."
Lastly, and what hits me the hardest… when you change the “ά” to “α”, you get… “we repent.”
It's amazing. All of it is so oddly poetic, it's really moving to me.
Yeah I love my jargon.
I also love Chaos, which is what this whole thing is about. Entirely.


But oh my gosh. You guys just... you have no idea how hard I am trying not to explode in joy over here right now.
You know how June 26th was absolutely beautiful for us?
...I think last night topped that.
I'm not even joking. Last night wouldn't have happened if not for everything we've been going through over the past two weeks, but we hit an even higher point than we did last time, and we are all kind of freaking out (in a good way) over it. Seriously, how much higher can we go?
There are many things I need to look into now, to see if they have changed or brightened in some way... whenever something like this happens, there are widespread aftereffects throughout our inner spacetime continuum. And with how incredible this event was... you know, let me just tell you what happened.

Last night. July 7th, about 11PM. I was done with physicality for the day so I was upstairs for the night, as usual. However, I was in a more lighthearted good mood than usual (I had been working on Sonic Inversion all day and made some real progress), which is rare for me. Those moods mean that I am feeling so optimistic that I'm actually joking around and having fun instead of being serious. So to keep the StH vibe going, I built a Spagonia dreamscape and so Chaos and I were just chilling out there. It got pretty hilarious after a while; I kept making inside jokes, he was teasing me right back about it, and we kept purposely finishing each others sentences, but at one point we got a little too close to be capricious and the mood just turned upside down.
Let me explain that too. Chaos once told me that, when we're together in social situations, we tend to elicit our opposite elements. Being around him brightens me, energizes me, and helps me stop being so morbid all the time. But in situations where we're already acting that way, I am the one that can tip the scales in an instant, submerging my own fire in water.
So last night, when I suddenly found myself in his arms, we ended up in the ocean.
It took me a few moments to adjust to the emotional shift, but as soon as I felt the depth of it I let him know. He was surprised at how sudden it was, but I was quickly falling even further in. This is where it gets crazy.

At that moment, I 'deconstructed' the dreamscape we were in. Effectively, what happened was that the entire area around us 'blurred out' and shifted into a vast swirl of color and thought, which I then condensed and centered around my hands (like a sparkling blue glow). I was still reeling from the total mood switch, and how incredibly profound it felt, and so I meant to immediately form a different dreamscape that would be more fitting... but as I was hesitating there, holding that creative energy and wondering what to do, Chaos did something. He asked, "can I see that for a second?" and then he reached out and took my hands.
It was a very simple, very candid action. He didn't know what would happen, and neither did I.
But the moment he touched that energy, it felt like I fell into it.
It was insane. It felt like an emotional connection, but of an entirely different caliber. More than anything, it felt shockingly intimate, as if his sudden contact with that energy temporarily bonded us at that level... I have no idea how to explain it. Either way, it was so sudden and sharp that I pulled back, tearing up, speechless. Chaos was stunned, and asked what was wrong, but I was too moved to explain clearly. Quickly, almost vaguely, I spun the empty area we were in into a sort of basilica-- I tend to form religious-looking areas when I'm unstable-- and collapsed to my knees on the white floor, starting to genuinely sob and unsuccessfully trying to explain what I had just felt. Chaos listened, visibly affected, and tried to help me figure out just what had happened. He explained that he had only been trying to help me when he took my hands like that, because although I was the main 'creator' figure upstairs, he did hold a strong amount of that potential himself. We discussed this a little more, until I could no longer handle talking. I deconstructed that dreamscape as well, and as I was holding the energy, Chaos asked if he could try taking it from me once more, to see if the same thing happened. But I was in too deep by now, and if he wanted to create, then I was going to give him as much of my own ability as I could. So when he reached out, I took his hands in mine, and without another word I pressed them to the gem on his chest.
There was an incredible transfer between us in that moment, and with a great rush of something I can't describe, suddenly we were in the same green oasis we had been in back around March 24th... the same place I had remembered how to feel amidst so much pain.
Chaos was silent for several moments after it appeared, staring at the world around him in complete astonishment. Then he realized that I was not the one who had manifested the dreamscape we were in, and it visibly floored him. But he looked... different than usual. Brighter, somehow. Unfortunately my dream-body was unresponsive at the time, huddled over in exhaustion and devoid of color for some unknown reason. My very presence seemed unsteady, like a pencil sketch in an oil painting. Chaos freaked out at this, and asked if he had hurt me somehow. I only smiled at first, too weary to speak, but he insisted. So I vaguely replied that no, he didn't hurt me, and I could still create, but I had given so much of that gift to him that it was taking a bit of a toll on me. To prove that I was okay, I manifested a small red flower in my hands, then turned it into a ball of light and 'blinked' it into the oasis, filling it with flowers and strands of crystals in the branches above. Chaos was visibly relieved but still not convinced, as I still looked badly out of sync, and so he asked if he could do anything to help me. I said nothing for a moment, but then simply straightened up and pulled him close to my heart.
I guess that was a catharsis break, because immediately my appearance went back to normal, but with a stronger sense of clarity to it. The overflow hit Chaos hard as usual, and he dissolved into tears, so I just stayed there with him for a little while until he steadied enough to ask me if I could still manifest an entire dreamscape. I saw no reason why I couldn't, so I deconstructed his and tried to think of something, but I was so emotionally overwhelmed at the time that I ended up manifesting another high, cathedral-esque room. This worried me a little, but Chaos only smiled and commented that I was trying too hard. With that, he stood up, and took matters into his own hands.
It was... incredible, watching him. I always try to create things in one glittering instant, in a burst of flame, but Chaos was almost ethereally deliberate. And while I tend to create structured, architectural landscapes, he seemed to be more gifted in natural things.
The first thing he did was bring the outside in. Where I had created lofty, terraced walls, he interlaced their balconies with ancient trees, lifting the ceiling to open sky and filtering the light with green. Then he took out the floor, leaving us standing on a white circle, surrounded by steps descending into deep water. He gave everything more depth, life, and light, and when he was finished it was no longer a cathedral but a monument to creation itself, and I was overcome with joy at the sight.
He noticed the way I was looking at him then, and I can't remember exactly what we said... but I ended up with him in my arms and suddenly we were actually underwater. Chaos was surprised and amiably asked where in the world I had brought us, and I apologized for the switch but explained that it wasn't something I could control. I was starting to actively manifest whatever I was feeling-- a side effect of my attribute-- and the deep emotions I was currently experiencing merited nothing less than complete submersion. But I couldn't keep it like that for long, as I could feel myself starting to drift as I had on the 1st... so I pulled away and tried, in that quick way of mine, to get us physically back above sea level.
I ended up creating some sort of glassy penthouse, overlooking not only an entire night-lit city but also a great ocean around it, with the ceiling once again sloping away into the night sky. But it was unstable, and I could not figure out how to organize the architecture, being entirely distracted by the brilliant maelstrom I was feeling. Chaos noticed this and said he would keep it stable for me, but then asked what I was even trying to do? Was I blindly creating dreamscapes to try and express my current state, or was I trying to accomplish something specific? I sighed quite anxiously and assured him that it was the former, and that I was just trying to form something that fit our current disposition before I disconnected too badly to make sense of anything. Chaos thought this over for a moment, then again told me to stop trying so hard, and just go with it; instead of trying to specifically form something, I should instead focus on what it felt like, and let it form itself. So I let go of the dreamscape structure, causing it to blur out into something formless but glowing around us, and it phased back into the dreamspace version of my room. I explained that I was exhausted and just wanted to talk before collapsing on the bed. Chaos laughed good-naturedly at this but did the same.
Now I have no recollection of exactly how our conversation started, sadly... but I do know what we talked about, and that's why I was referencing quest beds at the beginning of this entry.
Because if June 27th was when I first reached my highest point, then last night was when he did the same.

My first question was what it meant, exactly, now that Chaos held actual creator abilities within mindspace.
Naturally our first move was to start getting all philosophical on the symbolic implications of that... how chaos wasn't actually a state of disorder, but a divine primordial condition... and how his old title as the "God of destruction" tied into a different aspect of creation itself. It went on like that for a while, with us getting more deeply invested in the conversation as it continued, and then suddenly understanding hit me.
We were not 'creators,' in the sense that we formed something from nothing. All we were doing was manifesting that creative drive we both held within ourselves, giving form to something bright and beautiful that already existed in a different sense. We took a formless state, that great source of unlimited potential, and with our own lives we brought that hidden life into reality.
But that was only half of it. The other half was that I could not forget what I had learned about Parnassus after Wednesday had settled. Within that world, Chaos and I had been somehow exalted to almost divine status, as the actual first two creators in their cosmogony. But what had shocked me upon learning of that, was not the simple magnitude of it... it was that we did not adhere to the traditional mythological setting. He was no void, and I was no earth. We were defined as a celestial foundation by virtue of the fact that we were together.
That's when I realized what true creation really was. That's when I understood the deepest details of what I had felt and known on June 27th. That's when I recognized what I had felt when he had taken my hands only an hour ago, with the need to create as our single shared motive.
True creation is love manifested. That's all it is.
I told him this, what I finally realized, and suddenly everything made sense. In order to create, one must feel the need to create... and the need to create is unmistakable. It isn't a drive or a compulsion, it isn't a duty or an assignment. It is when the joy of life, and the absolute compassion one feels for every aspect of it, becomes so complete and powerful that one can no longer keep that euphoria to themselves. And that complete, directed overflow of selfless light is what brings something truly new into reality. We both had that potential, now we both had that ability.
And we drowned ourselves in the idea. We spent so long just expressing that, and contemplating how so much of our pasts fit into it... and then I remembered how the night before, I had been reading old poetry on dA, and had been shocked at how many pieces directly compared or even equated chaos with love. So I began to muse aloud on how that all tied together, if creation truly was love, and that tied into the cosmogenic aspects of his title... but moments after I began to speak, something in Chaos' eyes changed. Almost immediately he picked up my train of thought, tying every aspect together in a ring-- how those few basic elements tied into both of us, and into everything else, as something infinitely greater... and when he stopped, actually in tears, I knew that he understood what I had felt only eleven days ago.

By this time we were both deeply disconnected, in that fading sort of state that bridges the waking world and that of dreams, but I refused to leave just yet.
I simply could not get over just how profound that one word felt to me then... 'together.' How we could both accomplish great things alone, but even greater things when we worked as one. I couldn't stop thinking about just what I had with him, how stunningly complete it felt. Being able to give him so much, even this ability of mine, meant so much to me. It made me so blissfully happy to know just how far he'd come in the eight years I'd known him, for his own sake. Just the fact that he was part of my life made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world, but knowing just what he was to me, and vice versa... now that was a whole other level.
In those moments, as close to him as I was, with everything we'd ever felt spinning through my heart like a kaleidoscope... I loved him so much. That single truth defined me in those early morning hours, lit my entire being with its honesty. I was already crying with joy and pain alike, for the exact same reason. But I still couldn't get that one word out of my mind, and with my somnolent thoughts laced with sincerity, I confessed the single thing I wanted most.
I wanted us to create something together.
...I don't think I'll ever forget how he looked at me then. The significance of my desire was staggering, and he knew it.
"Are you saying you want to...?"
But I wasn't sure what I wanted, aside from sharing that gift with him. We tried to figure it out, but could reach no final decision, other than that mutually compassionate longing. I couldn't help but wonder just how far we'd ultimately get. Were there any limits after all?
And still, that ache, that indomitable light, would not let me go.
Neither of us could stay in the waking for much longer at that point. Between the incredible progress we'd made in such a short time, and just how that was affecting us both, I felt as if I was made of molten glass. Everything started to get abstract at that time, and the last thing I remember is holding him close and feeling this incredibly strong notion that we were cosmically inseparable. I don't want to sound cliched, but it honestly felt like we were supposed to happen, for some divine reason. I don't know how else to put it.
But I was completely happy for it. Against all odds, there we were, and nothing could come between us.
I fell asleep around 1:11 and I could swear my guardian angel was smiling that night. His wings were bright yellow. He's never looked like that before, ever, and it was wonderful.

Unfortunately, I wasn't out of the woods yet.
I may have stolen a certain someone's power against me, but she has a talent for bending the rules... and when her self-centered existence is at stake, she bends as many as she can get her hands on.
Let me start by saying that I don't remember the details from my dreams that night except the end of the last one-- I was in a city that was being bombed, for the sake of 'eliminating rebels' and keeping the population under absolute governmental control somehow. However I was not human in the dream, appearing instead as some sort of luminous, lamblike anthromorph, and acting as the city's protector. I was apparently an enigma despite this; several people questioned me about my identity, but I answered light-heartedly and vaguely, explaining that I was a 'spiritual' being and so most of their questions didn't really apply to me. (I did tell one bewildered man (who asked about my ambiguous gender) that I had what he'd consider a 'husband' outside of their world-- seriously-- and that he could think what he wanted of that!)
Regardless, at the end of the dream, I clearly remember infiltrating a government building and trying to shut the system down from the inside, when I was ambushed by a small army of black-clad soldiers. Before they could attack me, though, I activated what seemed like Power Jewels on myself, but the one on my forehead turned me completely violet and sent a beam of light straight up into the sky. Whatever that was, it completely stopped my attackers and effectively ended that dream segment. Then later on I ended up on some sort of road trip with Q and Mel, but that dream ended quickly due to interference-- which is what I've been trying to say here.
In the space of eight hours, Julie tried to hack me three times. She succeeded twice, by targeting other individuals in my dreams and rerouting their pain to me. The third time I caught her and mentally threw her out of my headspace, which was shortly before I woke up.
Well, you can bet I told Laurie about that immediately.
She, Chaos and I all got together to discuss exactly what had happened the night before, both in the waking and in my dreams, and how Julie was obviously trying to undermine the progress I had made. I explained how she had managed to hack me despite our high security, and as we were trying to figure out what to do next... my boss, the Sandman, showed up.
It was a complete shock to all of us, to say the least. He apologized for the sudden entrance, but then approached me and explained quickly that yes, he was entirely aware of recent events, and upon hearing about the triple hack I had just endured he wanted to take serious measures against that ever happening again. Laurie asked him what else we could do, as security was already as high as we could get it. Sandman clarified that it indeed was, but since Julie was using my mind as an entrance point, she was able to sneak past a great deal of the blocks we had set up for typical nightmare infiltrations. And now that she was bending the rules even further, and having the nerve to hack me three times in one night, extreme action needed to be taken. My boss smiled grimly then, and simply stated: "I am, if you'll pardon my language, quite pissed off."
I swear, even Laurie's jaw hit the floor. None of us have ever seen my boss angry, even in the slightest, so hearing that sort of talk from him was a huge sign of trouble! He didn't stay much longer after that, saying that he was going to enlist the help of some of his camaraderie, to see what they could accomplish towards this end. He concluded his visit by reminding me that I was a very important individual to many (himself included), and that Julie's callous, vengeful actions against me were unpardonable in his book. With that he disappeared in a swirl of dream dust, and I was once again convinced that something huge was happening in my life.
So I'll see what happens on tonight's shift. It'll be interesting, to say the least.
(I still wish I could go lucid; I really miss the pale man and the chandelier girl!)

Lastly, later on this morning, Chaos and I spoke to Laurie in depth about last night. She was astounded, of course, but what we didn't expect was for her to actually start sobbing over it.
She kept saying how she could barely accept her role in all this... how she was our sworn protector, by virtue of being my 'psycho guardian angel,' but that she never really understood the extent of what she was protecting until this year. And now, with everything that has been happening lately, the sheer gravity of it all was really settling in... and it was really affecting her.
I don't know how else to explain the entirety of what what she told us. I'd rather discuss this in depth with her over the weekend, on Xanga, because I owe her that much. I really love her, and I don't know where I'd be without her. Also, I don't know if she realizes this, but when I said that she and Chaos were equally important to me, I meant exactly that. Yes, they're both on different levels, so to speak... but I wouldn't lose either of them for the world.
I've been incomprehensibly blessed just in having them, let alone everything else in my life. They are absolute godsends, I adore them both, and I know that no matter what happens in our futures, we'll all face it together.



...Man, I hope all of that made sense to everyone else. It got pretty convoluted.
I know I only wrote the major events, but even those were so incredible in and of themselves that even if they didn't have all the extra emotional context, they would have merited an entire entry. But of course the context is what made them so important, even if I had to keep that to a minimum for obvious reasons (Laurie can complain all she wants but I am not putting every little detail of last night online, sorry).

Honestly, I am so happy right now.
I have no idea what all of this is leading up to, but... for heaven's sake, it's only been two weeks and I have already made more spiritual progress than I can comprehend! And despite the inevitable opposition we're facing for it, I have complete hope and confidence in the future.
I need to talk about how that's affecting my closest friends, too. We seem to have some really strong synchronicity going on again, which is really amazing. And if next year starts out the way we're hoping it will... it will be beautiful. I know that for a fact.
Heck, what am I saying? At this point, no matter what happens, things will turn out beautifully.

"Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live."
I know what those dark abysses feel like... and honestly, I am glad that I do. Because knowing that gives me so much more depth for compassion than I would have otherwise.
I have suffered greatly to get to this point, and I will continue to endure all things that come my way. The only difference is that I will no longer view those hardships as suffering, not absolutely.
I will survive even the darkest days, because I have a light that will never go out... I am a light that will never go out. That's all there is to it.

And when our lights are brought together, nothing can stand in our way.







I watch you in the candlelight
My head is in your hands
The neon lights have all gone down
We make our future plans

I wanted things to get better
I was in pain
I wanted you to be in my lifeline

I wanted love to get better
I'd wait in line
For something I knew that I would get to keep

Your "I love you"
Your "I love you"
Your "I love you"
And I can feel it bleeding

Today is the day
That I love you

The flashing lights have gone away
Emergency has passed
The future's right in front of me
And I won't finish last

 

I can't take this anymore.

Suicide?
No. I still can't. Not with what I have to live for.
Selfish jerk, huh? I've been told I have nothing to live for. I've been told that what I do have to live for is worthless, delusional.
And yet I live on.
Why?

I don't know. Maybe I feel like I have something to prove.
Maybe I just want another chance.


Forgive us our sins
As we forgive those
Who have sinned against us


Why can I forgive the world
And yet I can't forgive myself?
I'll tell you why.
Because I deserve every single little wrong ever inflicted against me
No matter what my mind thinks
I'm a complete failure and I deserve all of it.
And so I can easily forgive them
"It's okay.
There's nothing wrong with this.
I can see why they're acting towards me in this way."
All my love goes out to them
So much of it... why am I capable of so much selfless love?
Because there's none for myself.

Is that a sin?
Honestly, is that really a sin?
To loathe oneself?
"Hate the sin, love the sinner."
They say that, and I do, but what if
I'm perfectly capable of not sinning anymore
And yet I keep screwing up anyway?

I keep a purple maniac in my head
Axe in hand, sexless in form and appearance
She keeps me under control
Most of the time.
Other times
Like tonight
The other girl breaks out of her back room
Where we locked her, hoping she would die
She comes after me with her malicious pink smile
And her corrupted feminine thoughts
Julie, we call her
Screws with my mind something terrible.

Then I swear to myself
You son of a b*tch, what the hell is wrong with you?
That I'm going to stop her once and for all
Fix everything that's wrong with me
Cut these off, tear this out, do whatever the heck I can think of...
If your hand causes you to sin
Cut the cursed thing off
If these are causing me to sin
Whether or not I want them to
I'll cut the cursed things out
I'll finally be me
I'll have my freedom.
I was not born to be a woman... I was not born to be a man.


I'm eighteen?
Seriously?
I can't stand ages
Years, stereotypes
If you're this old, you act this way
That's why I ignore my birth year
That's why I ignore my age
That's why I follow in the footsteps of my beloved monster
And say I'm ageless.
On the inside I really am.
Why can't I say so?
Because society doesn't know what the hell it's doing half the time.


Two choices, every time.
"Here, fill out this paper
And give it back to us."
Psychiatrist appointment... isn't that ironic?

First and last name... what do I write?
Do I write the false name my mother gave to me before she even knew who I was?
She named this body, she named this shell.
My soul has a different name.
But society doesn't recognize that
So what do I write?

Address.
Sure, I live in a house
But only physically
And it doesn't even feel like home.
My real home is some place out in the world
God only knows where
Maybe it's not even here
But it's bright and beautiful and it has no boundaries
No vices, no black burdens of humanity
Something separate and clear and real
No country, no state, no county, no street number
I can run forever and never have to stop
I can be free and I can forget this chained-down, tied up reality
Not bound to anyone or anything
I can forget it all and just start running
God's in his heaven and all is right with the world
That's where my home is.
It's there
But where is it?
I can't exactly write that on a form.


Male or female.
What the hell?
That one ticks me off every single time.
Some people are both.
Some people change their minds.
Some people
Like me
Are neither
And we don't get a choice on the bubble forms.
I can't exactly say that, either
And that's the most frustrating thing of all.

For heaven's sakes, I'm not a lesbian.
I'm not interested in women.
I'm not interested in men.
Biology disgusts me most of all
But I can't stand the stereotypes
The attitudes
The very idea of sex
And everything attached to it.
I want nothing to do with it
So I call myself a neutrois
I cut myself off from their categories
I start falling in love with asexual monsters
I like this life
But I'd like it even more
If they wouldn't scorn me for it
I'd like it even more
If I could let someone know that I was living it.


Nobody asks why I often wear an onyx ring in place of a wedding band.
They probably think
That I either don't know it's the default wedding finger
Or that I'm some bizarre mental person
That got married with a weird ring
When I didn't do either of those things.
I'm wearing a silver and onyx ring
Because it's the polar opposite of gold and diamonds.
I'm a celibate
I'm an asexual
I'm an antisexual
You all know what I am, I say it enough.
Three black gems, but no one ever asks why
I've loved every soul I've ever met
My life is for the Dream World
And I'm forever consecrated to God.
No one ever asks.
No one seems to care.


That and I keep screwing up.
Oh, I know we're all sinners
I bet the saints sinned too
But I can do better, can't I?
Can't I do something right?
When I resist temptation one morning
Why does it attack me and win that night?
This is happening almost every day now
I used to break down in tears
Sob my eyes out and pray to God
Now I just pray
And remind myself
As I silently deal out retribution
What an idiot I am.


"Don't you care what you're doing to yourself?"
Yes, I do
But days like this
How the hell do I fix it?
I try so hard and it doesn't seem to be working
I guess I'll just pray some more
Try a little harder
Because I refuse to let the darkness win
But it would sure help a hell of a lot
If I had enough money
To get a mastectomy
And a nullification.
Then I wouldn't have to remind myself how much I hated those
Every time I remembered that physical curse


Will they ostracize me?
Will my family throw me out?
Will the people that care for me stop caring?
Will I be shunned and banned from them all
Because I want all this surgery?
Will they reject and look down upon me
If I cut my hair
Dye it red
Buy white contacts and a gas mask
Start wearing suits all the time
With chest binders underneath?


Life is hard.


It's even harder when you don't fit the norm in the slightest
But have to live in it anyway
Because in reality
You're so far away from it
That it's going to take you ages
To get there.
But you'll get there
If it's the last thing you ever do
Because you refuse to lie to your soul
And ignore what your heart swears is the truth.
You refuse to give in to what they say you should do
You refuse to betray who you are
You refuse to let them kill you.

And yet there are so many martyrs in the world.


It's almost 1AM.
I need someone to talk to
Someone here
That will understand
Even a tiny bit
Someone here
That won't hate me for what I am
Or will at least try not to.
I can't talk to my mother
I'm too afraid of what she will do and say
I know that parents can be the most cruel judges to us strange ones
I'm afraid of her.
I might be able to talk to some of my friends
One of them, at least
But I'm not even sure on that.

I talk to God
I talk to Chaos
I talk to Selph
I need to talk to someone here, though
Someone here
Just to feel a tiny bit of love
Where I haven't felt much of it before

I didn't do, didn't do didn't do
I didn't do this for you
Didn't say, didn't say...

You never knew, never knew never knew
You never should, never should never should.

Is that the way it's supposed to go?
Should I keep quiet?
But I've been keeping quiet for so many years
I haven't said so many things
All these secrets
All these little things
That make me who I am
Nobody knows.
Do I say anything?
What do I say?

What can I say?

Am I damning myself with this
Or will this be my salvation?




I'm the villain in this story
And I'm tired of it.
I'm so tired.

Please... somebody save me from this.

Somebody
Anybody
Listen to me, please.

Just listen.


Let me know that someone cares.
Tell me that
Just because I'm so different
Just because I'm so alone
You don't hate me.

That's all I want
Just a little bit of love.


But do I deserve it?
Do I even deserve it?






I don't want to be the villain anymore
But when that's how the world sees you
Is there anything you can do?






I lost my way
Lost my way

My own mind.