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[prismaticbleed]

 

Mmkay, it's been four days, I should really update.
Not much has happened, at least not visibly so? I came down with a nasty sore throat on Saturday evening, so I was really off all day on Sunday and today's been recovery too. I couldn't fall asleep until 4AM last night, and I only got about 6 hours on Saturday, although I have late-night artwork to blame for that. Yeah, I randomly decided to start drawing around midnight so I didn't get to bed until about 3, but it was totally worth it. Unfortunately the mess of a weekend ended up canceling my Xanga plans with Laurie, BUT I plan on getting up early tomorrow to talk to her before I do anything else for the day. I want to make sure we've got everything as cleared up as possible before the 21st. Since I've had this indomitable glittery smile on my face for a solid week now, I think we'll be cool, but hey. I love her and miss talking to her anyway, so it's a win/win regardless.

I got a gorgeous little synchronicity lineup on Tumblr when god-of-swagulous (the perfect Chaos RPer) happened to like these two posts of mine. Yeah, the universe couldn't have been any louder with that one. I was smiling through my tears as soon as I saw that.
I've been seeing triple-numbers everywhere lately, too. Since I personally give those merit and consider them both messages and reminders, their frequency as of late is significant to me. There are lots of other larger, but far subtler, synchronicities too... like suddenly noticing huge creative parallels between Dream World and other media, old and meaningful songs ringing out of the woodwork, and having relevant words jump out at me from books and conversations... but honestly, that's not what's the most important to me about life as of late. What I'm really focusing on and considering important is this unshakable peace I've regained. It's the same one I found for the first time last summer, and that started to slip as this year progressed. It was never gone, though; I just needed to get rid of the things that were in the way of my feeling it again.
To tie those two points back together, Chaos and I spent about an hour straight together last night, as I was too sick to really sleep and he always helps. Really, if he's not insisting on 'healing' what he can, then my boss is reassuring me left and right that it'll be okay, or Laurie is telling me flat-out that "nothing bad's going to happen to you as long as I'm around." I swear, those three are just incredible. But last night was... unusually moving. Since I was hyperexhausted from illness and sleep deprivation, I ended up sliding into one of those coveted "not asleep but not awake" mindsets, where you can't not be 100% honest, and there's no such thing as negativity or shadows. In those mindsets, you can do ANYTHING and since your heart is running the show instead of your head, nothing will EVER go wrong. That sounds obvious enough, but many times the next morning my brain will remember those time periods and think "whoa what the heck did I even do??" and try to throw me into a disastrous state of mind. So I just tell it "ssh" and usher it aside, because I can see the truth even past that now. Funny to realize that, last summer, that was an impossibility for me. I really have grown, geez!
I'll probably talk about last night tomorrow, on Xanga. Looking back on it, it feels huge, as seemingly small as it was (who am I kidding, nothing is 'small' in that sense up here). In any case, meaningful events with Chaos demand the utmost respect and attention, and I won't do it justice if I try to summarize it here. You kids will have to wait!
I do want to mention one thing really quick, though. I don't know if I've said it here before, but I've realized why people (including me) frequently have trouble discerning what Chaos is saying specifically, although the intended meaning is crystal clear: it's because he speaks in feelings, not words. That hit me hard last night, and it's also why Q had a tough time communicating all his 'dialogue' back during the channels in Utah. Sometimes speech just doesn't measure up!
I know him extremely well though, so I don't have any problem discerning his true intentions. That's likely also why I'm always surprised by Chaos RPers online-- even though they all present him differently, they're all still getting his personality across perfectly. It's uncanny, but that sort of thing is basically expected when you're dealing with Chaos, haha.

It's raining outside. I adore the rain. I'll have to go to bed soon so I can just listen to it and enjoy it... at the moment I'm listening to the "opera pop" tag on Last.fm and although this stuff is stunning, rain trumps all of it. (I do wish it were snowing though; we haven't had any since last month.)

Oh yeah. Forgot to mention this before... I think it was the 7th, as it was in the midst of a very trying but oddly inspiring time period... anyway I had the house to myself for a while so Xenophon and I were just chilling out. We were talking about life in general, just to catch up, when I realized I was 'slipping' again. Tar attacks much differently than Julie did, as you know, and for a while the only way I could 'conquer' a tar hack was by letting it get through, then stealing its influence and throwing the energy straight into my court instead. It's basically transmuting any shadows that are creeping up on me, but with a painful twist-- to transmute it, I often have to use some of my own 'spark' energy, i.e. the stuff that I'm made of. This makes tar hacks extremely dangerous, BUT if someone else is around when I'm forced to do that, I can give the energy to them, and therefore not burn out through literally incinerating a part of my own creative life force, seriously. Long story short, I needed to do that right then, as that specific 'hack' had been building up for about three days straight, and it was getting angry. I told Xennie this, apologizing as these infiltrations had been happening quite often at the time, but then I got an odd idea. Since I had just given Laurie her "stars," I couldn't help but wonder, didn't Xenophon deserve that exact same light, somehow? Could I do that through a hack transmutation? I decided to try. So I treated that one entirely differently... instead of redirecting the energy after I brightened it, I externalized it. I literally took it out of me, and handed it to her. She immediately absorbed it, being adorably solemn about the whole process, and after a bit more recovery on my part, we continued with the day. First thing we did? Nier, obviously! However I was taken by surprise when we got to the first loading screen, and Xennie gasped, pointed at the little waving Yonah silhouette, and exclaimed, "that's what this feels like!" Confused, I asked her what she meant. She explained that the little Yonah had a swirling, moving pattern superimposed on her, and that pattern is what she felt like after absorbing the energy I had given her. I found this highly interesting, and then I had another idea. Later on I went to my computer, took the picture of Xenophon I had drawn in November, and superimposed an image of bubble chamber trails over it (the closest image I could find to that Nier pattern). Xennie excitedly attested to the accuracy of the result when I showed her, so there you go.

Genesis spent some time with me today while I was on the road, and I sternly told him that, even if he is spending a lot of time with Ryou and Marik now, he can't just disappear for weeks at a time without actually telling anyone why. I know he's an indomitably free spirit-- I'm similar, and guilty of the same-- but I don't like the fact that our connection is getting rusty as a result. We both need to put more effort into making time to be around each other, because he's the only guy that's really been out of the loop as of late, shockingly enough.
I seriously love Genesis but I think I take him for granted, to be blunt. I don't like that. I think I'll make that my goal for the new year, so to speak... don't be so carefree when it comes to headspace relationships. I've seen too many people die up there in the past. Maybe that won't happen anymore, but still... you can't deny that all of our existences are 'fragile' regardless. Reflecting on how much we have been through since 2008 really drives home the point that our times together are precious and should rightly be treasured as such, actively.
You invisible readers can hold me to that. I promise, I will keep that resolution quite close to my heart from now on.

Last bit before I close up for today... my bros Christmas present FINALLY came in the mail, heheheheh!! *rubs hands together and cackles like a mad scientist* SUCCESS.
Seriously I ordered this thing back in July and it just barely made it. I am stupidly happy that it did because dang I cannot wait to see my brother's face when he gets this. It's going to be awesome; I honestly love seeing the people I love happy.

Acker Bilk by Chad Valley just came on iTunes, and that is perfect "get to sleep son" music, so consider it done.