W...whoa. Okay. Don't know how to react to this, but... huh.
Forgive the paltry medium this occurred in, but... Mel just unfriended me on FB?
That's... big, for them. FB has been the ONLY way I could communicate with them since 2010. And now they've pulled the plug on me. Not sure why, but... well, it's not new. My sister did the same. I don't hold it against her, of course-- still love her like crazy-- but for months afterward, I couldn't stop asking myself,
"what did I do wrong?" Of course, there was no guarantee whether or not I had played such a personal role in that decision, but it was sudden and severe, so I assumed the worst. On the other hand, I know for a fact that I am entirely responsible for this action of Mel's.
So it came as a rather jarring shock to see that today. Why today, of all days, you ask?
Mainly because I've been working nonstop on my inner life since I got back to PA. Mainly because I've finally realized that the weird lingering antagonism that stuck to the Utah situation was
entirely projected... when I looked at it, I realized that there was
no cause... at least, none outside.
I couldn't forgive myself for what Mel said I did to them, in that note. And that self-loathing was starting to externalize, because I couldn't make sense of
why they felt that way, and communicating with them was just confusing them more. I felt bad that we couldn't seem to make any progress, but... well, I told them that if we honestly could not solve this problem, then I was happy having at least said my piece in trying to atone for the unknown wrongdoings, and if they wanted to completely let go of me after that, then so be it. Guess they took me up on that offer, which I don't mind, as I gave Q the same offer years ago and he accepted that too, so. Maybe it's just time we parted ways permanently... sad, as here's the first two people to try and be close friends to me, and it didn't quite work. But life's like that, sometimes.
To get back on topic... I do want to let go of this, but I think I need to dig deeper inside first. I need to use this to learn my lessons better, what with my shadow influences beating the stuffing out of me lately (yesterday was nuts in an amazing way, hilariously enough... but we'll get to that). See, I've spent the past two weeks reviewing all of Q and Mel's old journals, as well as my own. Why? Because, as soon as that pained message arrived in my inbox, I realized with a sickening jolt that
this is exactly what happened in 2010. For whatever reason, all four times I interacted with those two individuals ended in tears, so to speak. All of those encounters began with optimism, and quickly sputtered into confusion and pain. I am determined to figure out why, as well as I can-- if I was the cause, then I want to heal whatever it is in me that caused that, even if I can no longer do so for them (I have been trying but we've apparently got emotional language barriers). I will admit I was
explicitly damaging in the past, when Jezebel still ran the business and my splinters hadn't splintered off yet. I was a mess, right up until the summer of 2011. But this year... I really did try this year, and yet the outcome was
exactly the same! It was disorienting, to realize that the words I was reading reflected what I had just left, and yet the timestamps were from two years ago. But like I said, I already know that a great deal of it was due to self-blame, projecting my own shortcomings onto others, being too afraid to take a chance with them because of past failures.
Plus I just came across this quote...
"You don't want to be here: I can sense that. Is it because you don't feel safe in your own body, that you don't want to be anywhere?" I can't help but wonder if that really was the biggest reason, even now. It's the main reason why I couldn't seem to function there, why I couldn't truly 'match' the me I present online, the real me... having a voice and face and form that simply doesn't fit me is pretty crippling when it comes to honest communication. Q seemed far more acknowledging of it than Mel, though, at least actively. Several times he referred to me with correct pronouns and the like, which was amazing, and really made me feel respected instead of misunderstood as usual. I don't think Mel gave it much thought. Now I'm not saying anything bad about them, I'm just wondering. That may have been a huge piece of why I didn't feel like I could safely communicate with them, a fact I didn't dare give voice to. Maybe seeing me that way would have made me a threat to them, who knows. Either way it's sad to look back and wonder, "was it really something that simple?"
"I had just traveled over 2000 miles away from the place where I was born and raised, for the sole reason of seeing the two people who supposedly cared for me most in this world. Upon meeting them and spending the next week with them, I didn't notice the less positive switch. See, I no longer had to worry about the stressful turmoil of my distant 'home.' That lever had been switched off, and another had been switched on. I was now torn between being myself and being a person who could sync with Mel and Q without causing severe problems. That brought up the whole 'keeping them amused' problem (that's in my IJ) and the secondary issue of tweaking my personality to keep from possibly offending or confusing anyone too much... but I didn't realize it. I kept myself from realizing it. It was sick... I don't want to leave Utah because the two people that brought me here want me to stay, but I also don't want to stay because of what I'm causing them... and what they're causing me. God, you've really got me in a bizarre situation now, don't you?..." But I suppose it's not something I should spend time on anymore. All I can do now is postulate in hindsight. All I should be focused on is pinpointing problematic areas in my own psyche, not worrying about either of them. I can't solve their problems, and now I can't even
try, even if I wanted to. I've almost completely let go of that now, which is good. It doesn't hurt anymore, and I no longer feel any ties. The only thing holding me back now is this lingering feeling of responsibility.
You should have known better. You should have helped them more. But "should" is a useless word. What's done is done, and I did what I could under the circumstances, with the knowledge I had at the time. Right now, I am doing the same.
What's bothering me the most is that my SLC visit echoed
2010. I am NOT the person I was back then, at all, in any way. Yet did I feel I
had to be, this year, even unconsciously? I don't quite know. If I really was wearing a mask that often, then the answer is yes. I'm going to pick my brain until I figure that out, as it's important. A lapse in progress, however buried, is still something to bring to the light and examine. I don't want that happening again, with anyone, under any circumstances. And still, I think the dysphoria was the killer! Situations in my mind run
perfectly. No mistakes, no dishonesty, no triggers or hacks. But when I actually find myself in those situations... uh-oh, this isn't my spirit body, is it? Every time, even now. And it throws me off badly, and I forget who I am, and then suddenly I'm
not me. If that truly is the answer to this mess, then no wonder Mel felt I had abused them. I had been abusing myself just as horribly. Hm. To think, I had sworn that had stopped. Maybe I was only watching for the most obvious signs, though, and missed these: the ones I buried and justified, in lieu of knives and scars. This is good, the fact that I'm hopefully getting it now! See, we're taking steps forward, as we always do.
Still, the fact that
this happened again bothers me too:
"I saw a photo of you earlier today, and I didn't recognize you at all. I had to think, 'what were they like?' ...I don't know either of you. I thought about it, and I cried, because who are you, really? I know your names and that's all...I loved what you did, not who you were, and it was terrible... I didn't realize that because I wasn't like that... I wish I knew both of you better so I could fix this." That is explicitly a problem with ME. Maybe I'm not someone they think they can trust with who they are. Maybe I'm just not able to see them correctly?
How
do you get to know people, downstairs? I'm so used to these weird fluid relationships... where people have a core purpose that they live for, and if you know that purpose, you can know them... that's how I work, I suppose. My mom told me the other night: most people aren't like me. They have personas they present to the world (something I
know I've done in the past, with my job and school, but have since been working maniacally to abandon), they have entire ways of acting that don't sync with their deepest natures. As for me, I strive to make every response of mine match who I am inside. As I mentioned before, this can be very difficult with the dysphoria, but it is still a constant effort. Did they do that? Or were they acting around me too? I honestly could not tell... again, like back in 2010, I saw their behaviors switch so drastically depending on who they were around, or what they were doing... it baffled me! Is that normal? How do you reconcile that many different presentations into one individual? For me it always depends on who's driving... scary stuff, but thankfully comprehensible to me. But my psychologist told me that our society 'requires' masks to function, and if I didn't start wearing one, it would tear me apart... and my mother told me that most people aren't as naively honest as I was, and that if I didn't learn to lie, people would tear me apart... and then Mel still said they didn't recognize me, in SLC.
" I guess it confused me because you seem so bright online and you were so dark when you were here, really destructive and that really surprised us." To be blunt, that sentence is still driving me nuts. Destructive?
Really? When was I destructive? I honestly cannot think of a single incident... it's more unsettling than anything. Are we seeing things so differently? Are our ways of perceiving reality that irreconcilable?
This is why I can't seem to entirely let go of the situation yet.
I don't understand the last messages Mel sent me. And Q didn't say a word to me at all, which is understandable with his schedule... but to be entirely honest, I don't feel he's said much to me since he 'left' online in early 2009. It's strange, but I have no recollection of him beyond old dA notes and chatlogs. None. But that's the Q I knew. I don't know, maybe he was a different person online too. Whether more genuine or more incomplete I can't say. I know I was the latter; I acted almost entirely back then, I'm sad to say. I don't recognize any of my old communications from my teenage years: sure, there may have been some fragment of the truth buried underneath the paragraphs of empty text, but for the most part, they weren't me at all. Is that the 'me' he remembers, too? And Mel... I knew them according to FB notes and poetry, which never felt substantial enough to me. I got tons of their past, and tons of their future goals, but none of their present. That's what it felt like at least. As for me, they knew me through my journals. That was all. Problem is, 90% of my online journals isn't me. It's my struggle, up until I
remembered myself last year. I can't help but ask: when Mel says I was bright online, what 'me' are they referring to? I want to know. Because when we met in person... suddenly I became dark? What does that even mean? I did the housework I was aware of, I was there for them when they'd break down, I stayed with them when we were all home together... but so often, we didn't see each other. They'd be working or at school, and I'd never see them. That's why I didn't want to get a job-- if we were all working, and never saw each other for a substantial amount of time, then why in the world had I moved? The only reason I said 'yes' was because I was under the impression we'd be spending all our time together. I suppose that's unrealistic, but it's honestly what I expected. So when things changed after the first week of free time, I didn't take it well. I couldn't make sense of why I was there anymore. I did try. It was just frustrating, now that I felt I had no ground beneath my feet.
But when was I so dark? That is the question I want answered, more than anything.
I won't say that hurts, only that it's deeply disconcerting, because I honestly
cannot think of where that came from. I wish I did. Is it too late now, I wonder?
"This has caused a lot of pain and I don't think I can handle going through this anymore if you can't work through it." I wonder if they realized that up until I moved in with them, I worked through all of my problems
alone. With the exception of the gang upstairs, all of those hellish trials I suffered in my past were solved with God's help alone. Why? because they were
my problems. No one else had to worry about them.
But in Utah, suddenly you were part of the picture. And I became lost. How in the world do I solve this problem if
someone else needs to be factored into the decision-making process? That was my constant question. Perhaps that is why I seemed so false. Every action I took needed to take you into account as well. I've never had to do that before.
I could have solved this already if you weren't holding half the answers. That's not an accusation, it's a simple fact, and I say it with sincerity. I know it caused a lot of pain, although I'm unclear as to why exactly, but guess what?
I can't work through this without you, because you were part of it. That's what it boils down to.
So to be entirely honest, it does hurt, at least that bit. They let go of me because "I couldn't work through this," not knowing or comprehending that she held half the puzzle pieces. But we saw different colors, and together we seemed to have different ideas of how it would look in the end. A lose/lose situation, perhaps. Ironically, because I've learned a lot from this... just wish I could understand your perspective.
I guess that's the tragic inevitability of being multiple since childhood. I'm not used to dealing with "real people," especially not in close quarters, especially not for so long a time, especially not as 'friends.' I've never had a friend downstairs before. So I apologize if I wasn't a good one, but I was trying my best according to what I knew. I guess it didn't quite work. I'm probably used to living with people like my grandmother, my mother, my superego, my id. I'm used to people who push and shout and never take no for an answer. I'm used to angry people, to fire-spitting people. I know you're not capable of that, as I did ask you. But that's what I needed in that context. Maybe that's why you felt I was pushing you away, and shutting you off... I wasn't, I was simply doing what I knew I had to do in my other relationships, to continue the conversation. Push away, and they'll push back harder. Shut off, and they'll shut you right back on. Don't call us, we'll call you. I'm used to saying things for the sole reason of inciting an explanatory reaction. I'm used to picking people's brains and having them do the same to me, even if neither of us asks a single question. I think you functioned the exact opposite way, and I was unable to understand that: if you had a whole different way of interacting, how would one go about learning how to function in response? Pushing your buttons and judging your reactions wouldn't work, you'd shut down. I didn't want to hurt you. And watching you with others, you were a different person. I really didn't know how to approach you, as I wasn't sure who I was approaching half the time. But I had no idea how to explain what I was doing, because I assumed that was how other people worked too. I had no frame of reference that you fit in.
Did I ever tell you how much it frightened me that you, Q, and Braeden
all acted like ONLY you knew the "real me," and I didn't? You were always saying these enigmatic things like "your Spark is out of sync" without defining what you meant by that sentence at all. Always saying I didn't know who I was, I didn't understand my actions, et cetera. I constantly felt like I was part of this huge game, with all of you, which was deeply disturbing because I cared about you and yet those same words always came in response. Maybe that's the deepest fear here, with me writing this entry. Part of me has successfully been convinced by your words, that you hold the answers and I don't. You always spoke to me like you knew these huge secrets about me, but you were forbidden from telling me them. You'd only let me know that they were missing from my own consciousness, and that I was lost without them. How in the world was I supposed to react to that? It was a struggle living with you because I kept "guessing" at it. Is this action closer to what you see as my truth? Is this word closer? How about this one? Or this one? Maybe that's why I felt dark... maybe I believed I
was, if only you knew my true brightness, and I had turned it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't remember. Still, geez, I'm a headvoice, of course physicality can't entirely translate me. Of course you're going to see me through a different lens. But that doesn't invalidate my knowledge of myself... right? Better question: how often was I even
driving, with the obvious exception of those few channeling sessions? I seriously don't remember... I have almost no recollection of my time in SLC, even now. I still struggle to remember both of your faces, your voices, everything. Why did
that happen again too? Go figure...
"Do you feel at all, love? Or has your environment left you so starved, that you can’t help but deplete those who so thoroughly love you, and refuse to give back even an ounce of what you’ve been given?" Is that what I was doing? Is that a truth? How can I tell? I don't want it to be true. I don't want to do that to people. I'm a giver, not a taker, but you said I hollowed you out... is that what fire does? Am I so enamored with death and rebirth that I keep catching things in conflagrations, forgetting that other people don't need to have scars in order to heal? Why is this all EXACTLY what happened two years ago? What lesson did I fail to grasp the first time?
I thought I said I was going to stop picking things apart, stop trying to find every answer in the book, stop trying to win everything... but geez, I'm also supposed to take a closer look or I'm not going to see what I need. Is this even where I need to be looking? I'm getting off topic again.
Maybe I am just that disconnected from reality. But I assumed you'd help me learn to live in harmony with yours, if you invited me to stay with you, if you spent months telling me how much you wanted to share your life with me. Maybe you did, and I never realized you were teaching. Maybe we really do speak two different languages. Maybe I really am as blind as you said I was... I'm sorry. Forgive me, please?
Why am I writing all this? Mel's not going to read this. I guess I just need to get it off my chest. Better than bottling it up after all.
Still, all I can do now is continue to better myself, whether or not I will ever see either of them again. At this point in my life that honestly does not matter. I've had to let go of many, many things lately... big and small, easy and difficult. If this is something I can no longer have in my life, then so be it. I'm just riding the waves...
In much happier news--- whoa whoa WHOA look who's online, dear God I was terrified that maybe she was dead, this is amazing. THANK YOU.
And the other one, my biggest inspiration, she's just become this incredible light... complete change of presentation and not an iota has faded, it's only become more luminous!
Okay that just made my year. But yes, that's actually what I was trying to segue into! After almost four years (dude that's a LONG time!) I am still trying to be an elusive guardian angel to those two. I love them so damn much it just illuminates me, to see them doing well. They've inspired me so much, they've had indelible impacts on my life just by existing. Geez one day I want to send them both huge bouquets of roses or something, completely anonymously. I just want to give some ridiculously sincere outpouring of gratitude straight to them, in a format other than words-- which I DID do, back in 2010. I still consider that the best and brightest chance I've ever taken... I truly hope those words made them smile, if only a little, for their own sake.
All I want in this is for them both to have lives full of joy and dreams and love, brighter than they could ever have imagined. They deserve it, they really do.
Mel and Q do too. They've worked so hard, and I know the trouble and suffering they've been through. Heck, they deserve that in recompense for putting up with me alone, haha!
I'm trying VERY hard not to label anything as 'good' or 'bad' right now, though. Yesterday was a big push in that direction... boy oh boy, my brain's still having trouble with all that. But now I've got a Paladin helping me too, aha! And his role here might be the most important, after all, in light of what's going on... FFFF and I
JUST realized the name of the
song I'm listening to, synchronicity abounds!! Okay universe, high-five, that was a nice one.
But... right before I heard that, I tried something. I held my hands out in front of me, and focused just enough... and I can see it, somehow, in my hands. That glowing symbol he gave me, with those words.
"Don't ever forget what you told me." I promise you kid, I won't.
Shadows are the well of creation, after all. The night is the time when dreams are born. You've always been a star in the night sky for me... both of you, actually.
Let me be your phoenix, once again. If this darkness wants to take my life, so be it. We've got a funny relationship with death up here, to say the least.
...Oh. That reminds me. Synchronicity.
On Tuesday night, I logged into Tumblr for a minute, and
this post lineup happened on my dashboard.
That's what inspired yesterday. It just couldn't be ignored.
And you, you crazy pretty boy... I promise, you won't
ever be forgotten.
I did forget one thing yesterday, though: food! Seriously, I got carried away with fasting again and then this morning I woke up tired, numb, and shaky, with Spine yelling at me "I still need food every once in a while!" Oh yeah, haha. But having a full day to recover from how sick I've been lately was a GODSEND. All the pains and weird aches went away, aw yiss. So today I've had an avocado, some hemp seeds, and a salad; we're doing great so far! Oh yes, and I did also have a tiny bit of dark chocolate that I bought for Julie. I purposely got a brand that had raspberries and rose hips in it, so it was kind of pink, haha. But we let Julie try it first the other day, because she's never had chocolate without it being tied to a hack... she just had this grin on her face, it was awesome. (The only problem is that even a bite of chocolate hurts like
hell, and Spine despises it... but we all agreed that it was a sacrifice for a very good reason!)
My hands are still tingly and my eyes are still twitching from not having eaten, but it'll get better soon enough. My mother's bringing up some garden vegetables for me tonight (thanks mum!) so that should help... I'm just very concerned because my stomach feels unsettled after I eat
anything now, whether it's 'safe' or not. Maybe that's a psychosomatic symptom, who knows. At this point I think I should just write it off as that and continue being careful about what I put Spine through regardless. We'll be okay.
I need to go food shopping tomorrow whether I like it or not, and also leave off some more job applications... I keep craving protein like a mofo and the only source we have at home is peanut butter. Guess what makes me terribly sick? So that's why I've been nauseated lately, no doubt (plus the only safe carb around is oats (as we're out of squash), which is also very unsafe for me. I'd love to cut out starchy carbs completely again but without them I frequently don't get enough calories in a day). I'm just extremely worried about my reactions to it-- my face turns bright red, I start burning up and my heart rate spikes. That's not cool. So I've gotta find an alternative so I don't end up giving up eating altogether again; it's the lesser of two evils here but recovering from a major sugar drop is hellish too!
I've moved my computer into the corner of the living room, so I'm stuck on a tiny desk and an unfomfortable chair, but it's worth it because now I get to sit next to the angel food cake tree. I need to take pictures of it, it's the cutest thing. I think my mum wants to put pastel beads on it as garlands? Geez we're just going straight-up fairy kei this Christmas, haha!
"If you keep your eyes so fixed on heaven that you never look at the earth, you will stumble into hell." Austin O'Malley. Just read that quote in
Black Jack... it felt very relevant, so there it is.
Ironically I think that springs from my old mindset-- the idea that heaven and earth and hell are all separate things. The old idea that this life is just a trial we have to endure to get to the good stuff. That's not true. This life is heaven
and hell, but we choose which one we want to experience. Problem is we need to remember that
this is still earth. It makes for an unusual sort of heaven, maybe, but it's a beautiful one nonetheless.
Let me think, what else can I write here... choir practice is in a half hour so I can't linger much longer.
I finished
Black Jack today, as well as issue #1 of
Andromeda Stories. Unfortunately the latter isn't really catching my interest too well, but they just introduced some sci-fi elements into the story so I'm going to give the other two books a shot anyway.
If I do end up on the road tomorrow, I think I'm going to go library-hopping. Typically I only visit two, but I just checked Google Maps and apparently there are
three within 20 minutes driving distance that I've never been to? This is exciting! I'd love to see what books they have. Still, I don't want to go checking out any new series until I finish
Bleach (sooo goood) and
Yu-Gi-Oh. So I'll wait until next week. Plus, who knows; with how funky my life is, I might not have time to check out an entire new series once December hits! Gonna be a crazy brilliant month, that's for sure.
As far as art goes, I haven't started anything big yet, but I've got all my art supplies together and I have a TON of ideas... however I have no workspace anymore! The porch is so cold my fingers freeze after ten minutes, and I barely have room for my laptop in the house. However, completely out-of-the-blue godsend on Thanksgiving: my father is letting me use the empty upper room in his house for a studio! I'm psyched, this is awesome. It also means I'll have a place to paint when school starts again in January; my current campus doesn't have a place I can stay until midnight and paint, like my old one did (and I loved doing that). Plus it's also a 30+ minute drive away, so that wouldn't be a smart move anyway! Needless to say I am extremely excited. I'm going to be moving my paints and larger art tablets over on Sunday when we visit for dinner, so I'm determined to get at least one major piece of work done between now and then. For some reason I keep wanting to draw Dagger, and I have the perfect idea in my head. So I think I'll do that tomorrow. I'll have to stay up late finishing all my computer work, but it'll be worth it: this stuff keeps piling up and I just want to be able to shut my computer off for the night, haha. Haven't been able to do that in ages, what with all the files and tabs and programs open! But besides that Dagger art. Since I do have my ancient (and gorgeously so) Jewel Monster tablets with me, I think I'm going to draw some of the oldbies on Bristol and make ribbon-charms out of them like I've
done before. I might also do them in acrylic this time, as I miss painting in general. But probably my biggest art goal right now is
THIS!! Chasey is the best RPer and I seriously need to show my appreciation for that fact, and for them of course. Sometimes I wish I were an RPer just so I could flirt with them, haha! Just kidding. Almost. In any case Chasey is a beautiful individual and they deserve art whether or not it's from me. I'm gonna draw it... haha, can you imagine? That brings up a good point, though: my headgang and I haven't dragged any movieverses upstairs in ages, with the half-exception of
Inception (that movie behaved like headspace anyway; we just loved the structural explanations)... I think we're worried about possibly ending up with a truckload of new walk-ins is all. I'll have to find a way where we can interact with everyone without the possibility of flooding headspace, because come on, chilling out with Jack and Ralph would be
boss.
Oh yeah! Hilariously awesome music synchronicity happened again too. I was driving home from leaving my books off at the library on Sunday, and decided to listen to the radio instead of a CD for once. Browsing through the channels, I came to the local pop station, and was surprised to hear a rather catchy number playing. So I kept listening, and was even more surprised to hear how beautiful the lyrics were, especially in relevance to my life. So here I am, half laughing, half crying, and asking "what song is this?" because geez, pop music usually never fits me, let alone so accurately. Then I look down and notice the name of the artist scrolling across the radio screen... and who was it but Justin freakin' Bieber! I burst out laughing and declared "kid, I swear I will never make fun of you again!"
So yes. I really, really like the newest Biebs tune.
This one, to be precise! Even better,
Laurie likes it. I think Justin just got +9001 unexpected awesome points for that one. In all seriousness though I never disliked the kid, I just poke fun at people online more often than I should, haha.
Add another song to my "cover this" list, as soon as I get my hands on a studio microphone and learn how to work FL more professionally... might take a little while!
Also on the music scene, I'm addicted to
this for obvious lyrical reasons, I love
this guy's accent, and
THIS is the
most beautiful thing... it's one of those songs that for unknown reasons, I can't listen to with other people around? Kind of like how I can't play Nier with people watching. There's something inexplicably
sincere about things like that, to me... a weird sort of inner sacredness, by virtue of how much they resonate. It's odd, but I treasure them more than anything else.
Well, it's time for choir practice, so I'm off for the night!
With the way my schedule's going you just might see me tomorrow, awesomely enough. Here's hoping.
Now let's see, I haven't closed up this way in a while...
The Crow and Cackle of persistent innocence.
Elated in argument.
I'm empty and wondering
if you're only saying what I wanted you to say.
Cause you're only saying
what I wanted you to say.
So I'll just wait
Until our time slips through the cracks
Falls to the ground shattering.
I'll just keep waiting for something to improve.
Something to move ahead.
Cause I'm only saying
what you wanted me to say.
The slow and steady sound of silence hunts us down.
I'm empty and wondering
what you sent me, what you're offering.
Cause you're only saying
what I wanted you to say...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
LAURIE UBERICH 
WALDORF KALLIOPE 
JEWEL LIGHTRAYE 
XENOPHON LEPHISE 
CHAOS ZERO 
GENESIS APOLYMIS 
