grace

[prismaticbleed]

Okay, uh, stuff that has been happening lately... let's see.
I'm going to completely skip the formalities and just rant, so I apologize if I end up drowning you invisible readers in jargon but I need to start writing stuff down again without worrying about being "politically correct," so to speak. This was never meant to be tailored to the public eye anyway, and at this point in my life I couldn't care less who's reading this, haha. I'm going to be honest and that's it, let's go.

All right. First off, Jezebel is PISSED. Not only is she trying to splinter me again (not gonna work this time!), but she's trying to kill Waldorf, which is actually proving to be a disturbingly delicate situation as Wally's our Blue voice and, well... that's never been a very stable slot. I'm trying to be vigilant but it's difficult when it feels like my entire physical body is at the boiling point 24/7. Yeah, the 'starvation' feeling has been going on-and-off lately, but when it's 'off' it's replaced by my feeling like I'm either hollow and dead, or ready to explode violently. However! The darkest shadows are cast by the brightest lights, and I've found that I've become shockingly adept at "switch-flipping" lately: i.e. going from one state to another in a matter of milliseconds, in completion.
For example: this morning. Unfortunately, I woke up insanely thirsty as usual (seriously I cannot get enough water) and ended up eating some foods that I forgot make me sick. Long story short, for some reason that triggered an abusive breakdown, which I was able to stop on a dime about 20 minutes in, immediately after I resolutely brought my own energy signature into body focus. It was kind of surreal, because after that I was even able to talk to my own grandmother! That rarely happens, it was awesome. Usually my voice dysphoria throws me out of conscious awareness but I just kept projecting my self-field, and that helped a TON. So I need to remember to do that now, even if it is an effort... the girls underground don't like when I do that, to say the least.

Secondly, Laurie FORCED a channel on the 17th specifically to yell at my mother. It started because I had a rough night... dysphoria and moral/existential avalanches on top of each other... and made the mistake of talking about it while my mom was home. Now my mother always thinks I want a solid, "fix-all-the-problems" answer from her, when I don't; I just want to talk it over with her, even if we don't get anywhere. Sometimes all I need to do is know someone understands what I'm talking about and can offer a perspective other than what the girls underground are throwing at me. However my mother gets upset very easily, and seeing her kids upset does that pretty quickly... I guess it reminds her of her own worries and troubles, and they all hit her hard enough to drive her over the edge. So she started screaming at me-- in a generalized sense of course, but screaming is screaming and I have a hard time emotionally dealing with angry people. This escalated quickly when my grandmother got involved (I forget how; my mind was a mess at that point), and soon there was a major fight going on in the hallway. Now I was not stable at all, and apparently, Laurie was not happy with that at all. The breaking point was when my mom and my grandmother ended up duking it out in front of my room and I shoved myself between them to keep things from getting violent, trying to push them apart (and sobbing at this point), when all of a sudden there was this huge energy shift and suddenly Laurie was driving. She pushed the two women apart, said "that is ENOUGH," and then basically told my mom to "get the heck out of this house if you're only going to scream at him, because I will not deal with this nonsense." I am DEAD SERIOUS. My mom gave her a rather poisonous look and said "who the hell are you talking to?" which I explicitly remember because apparently that energy shift was so sudden Laurie couldn't keep it stable, and right after she finished shouting I snapped back in like a slingshot. Well! Unfortunately Laurie's energy hits like a TRUCK so I immediately started shaking uncontrollably and trying not to throw up, which forced me to turn around, stumble into my room, tangle my arms around my head and start repeating "ouch" while asking Laurie why in the world she just pulled such a stunt so recklessly. I can't really complain though; it was shocking and confusing enough to break my mom's train of thought, so she stopped screaming and the fight dissolved about two minutes later. Superego powers ftw!
The best part happened about twenty minutes later though... as my mom was leaving for the night I went out to try and apologize for starting that whole mess, which was tough as I was still so shaken up I could barely speak... but at the end of it, when my mom was just about to walk out the door, Laurie flat-out demanded I apologize on her behalf ("common courtesy," she said), because she was sorry that had to go down so dramatically. Well, the apology was delivered, but I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing and I think we only succeeded in confusing my mother even further, haha.
So that was Saturday night. It was significant not only because of Laurie's sudden channel-slam, but also because of the absolute wreck I was... well, "I" is the wrong word, especially in light of the first paragraph.

That brings us to point number three, and the one I really want to talk about.
You're probably wondering who Jezebel is.
I'd love to answer that question.
Seriously, she is an enigma of the worst sort, and I need to do a LOT more research before I can say anything for sure, but... hm. How can I summarize this. You know how I splintered back in 2011? Well, Jezebel is a much, much older entity of a similar sort? Basically she was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts. Anyway she's apparently personified as of late, heaven knows why or how, but her manifestation seems to be incredibly unstable so she can't actually come after me like Julie does. The important bit is that she is now self-aware, whether or not she has a solid form to move around in. I hope we can stop her or transmute her back into non-charged energy before that happens.
All I know is that the Tar is up to something, because Jezebel reeks of it even more than Razor does (which is saying something). Speaking of I have no idea what Razor's current state is either, but I'm very concerned because there have been a huge resurgence of abusive tendencies lately that I am just barely fighting off. It's been difficult, but at least it's a springboard for learning and seeing more deeply into its source.
...Okay I am reading the original Blood Lotus Cathedral entry in light of this and suddenly SO much of it makes symbolic sense I'm actually in tears, which is weird but DUDE this is heavy stuff! I'm sorry, I'm going to put this to the side until I get an entire freaking day to review it, because whoa. Not today though, today is Thanksgiving and I want to focus on gratitude and family instead of things that tried to tear that apart in the past, thank you.

Speaking of, Leon channeled for about two minutes today because he insisted on trying food for once (ended up being the homemade pumpkin pie because my bro said it was the best ever), and he was so adorably excited over being able to experience something like that in the physical, it was great. I was trying to keep the girls away from him but a few tiny dysphoria spikes did get through, thankfully not bad enough to give him a breakdown like I get. But yeah, Leon approves of the pumpkin pie this year, I'm cracking up over that personally.
Still, food is a huge gamble, so fittingly enough indigo-boy is now helping me out with discernment concerning it (because the girls are really freaking loud and I can't tell what's up or down most days). Spine helps too when she can-- she's tied to the body so she feels it instead of seeing, so unfortunately that may not kick in until it's too late for us all-- but it's nice to have Leon explicitly active now, instead of just hovering around upstairs. He's got shockingly good insight, when he calms down enough. Apparently his anxiety and nerves are a result of him seeing too much... back when he first resurrected, he was surrounded by threats to his life and was exposed to a ton of traumatic general headspace situations. That alone made him aware of more than he could handle at once, but something tells me he has an innate sensitivity to energy that he buried even deeper because of that? Because today, I asked him if HE could help me with staying conscious instead of me relying on whatever bodiless voices have been talking to me for months, and geez, he REALLY helps. He also seemed a lot calmer, although he kept clearing his throat and nervously moving his hands while he spoke ("I'm not used to being so confident yet," he said), so I asked him what was up that caused such an improvement. Well... last night I was having existential terrors again, and I started morbidly wondering about how we would have all turned out if we went the wrong way, so to speak... if we all fell victim to the tar. Since appearance shifts are big in headspace, I started brainstorming what our "extremes" would be on either side of our colors, and how strict adherence to such would warp our countenances. Leon ended up with eyes everywhere but in his eye sockets, let's just say. But that train of thought apparently stuck with him, and he told me that he immediately began working harder to "move in the right direction" concerning his color and aspect. So this morning he was really able to stabilize, which I am honestly very excited about. I'm glad to see him doing so well.
But about that, and how it ties into the food thing... according to Leon's now increased vision, that's apparently a HUGE warzone for the girls underground. It's also why Spine, Julie and I get the most fallout from it-- our slots are the closest to the Tar. Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat. I'm sure you oldbies are all very much aware how serious that issue has been for us over the years, so being able to see the cause-and-effect bits of it after so long is a huge help. I mean, we all knew that Tar-Julie used food to attack Spine when she couldn't reach me, but the implications of that went right over our heads. When tar starts to grow, it hits the Brown slot first... Spine's slot. If it gets severe, then it hits me, and that's when I get splinter flashbacks or hacks (now that there isn't an autonomous entity attacking me). However, as I mentioned on the 13th, there's a "midslot" between Brown and Red which is where Razor lives, and THAT'S probably why I get such crippling abusive meltdowns whenever there's a food-related reaction in the system, whether or not we actually ate much at all. I need to look into that too. So many old things are coming to light, it's rather overwhelming and I'm not sure how to juggle all this new info comprehensively-- I don't have time to fully integrate one day's revelations before I get hit by another tidal wave of them! I don't mind, as this is incredible, but... I swear, time really is speeding up and condensing, I feel like I've lived several lifetimes since our "session scratch" on 111111 last year. I should talk to Celebi about that, see what she has to say...

On that note. December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December, at least upstairs (Lynne, Leon AND Nat (twice) all resurrected in December). This is usually a VERY good thing, but of course now that we're having major downstairs troubles I need to be extra careful. We've got a major advantage though-- it SNOWS in December. Since my core resonance seems to have fused with White, snow makes it a lot easier for me to stay conscious. Snow also feels emotionally serene, which helps us all balance, and both Genesis and Xenophon adore the stuff... needless to say I am also stupidly excited about its impending arrival, haha.
Oh, dude, speaking of. My family's going to start putting up the Christmas Tree within the next few days-- and I just capitalized that, didn't I. That's Dream World rubbing off on me again! Anyway I'm definitely going to get Xennie to help me put decorations up again, as she loved that last year, and the Tree itself just gives off the best feeling, it's so great. I have no idea what color it's going to be in the lovely year of 2012 but I am crossing my fingers that it'll be another synchronistic scheme, which it has been for about four years straight now. We shall see!

Speaking of Dream World though... I will admit I am catastrophically anxious right now? I shipped out my artwork and writing from Utah at the end of October and it still hasn't arrived in the mail. That's actually been triggering some nasty personal crises concerning "what is my purpose in this lifetime" in a relevant sense, and questioning whether or not I even should be pursuing my creativity because things just keep getting in the way of my doing so. Of course Laurie's reply to that is "that's nonsense," because my creative work IS important, but geez... that's all my work from my childhood on up, in that missing box. I'm quietly freaking out, understandably. I'm also fiercely praying that it simply got sent back to Mel and Q, but they are both virtually impossible to contact and as usual I don't know if contacting Mel would be smart right now? Either way this is important enough to risk it. I'm seriously going to need to message them soon, or even call them. Yeah, it's serious when Jewel considers using a phone, haha. In any case I seriously hope this all turns out for the best, whatever that may be...


I'm sorry, I am exhausted and we did have a major meltdown this morning so I should really get some rest for everyone's sake (it is much later than 11:45 in the morning; do not trust timestamps on large entries).
I shall leave you with this song, which is both amazing and relevant, and call it a day.