the spectrum heart cathedral system

So we've spent the past few days going through the archives (2008-2012) and writing down "notable dates," because we want to celebrate + remember more things.
13 years ago, at the beginning of January 2012, is when our Core became "Eros/Cupid." This year was so interesting, full of equal amounts of love and terror, and then SLC happened and everything just... shattered, apparently. But we want to re-read everything in full after we do this effort.

We added Spotify links to the Akoufoni entry, although we haven't cleaned up the old data yet. But this, too, is a huge memory-restoring effort, because those 'foni help us get a grasp on chronology when there's no actual experiential memory of the physical life, just music data.

We also... found the most recent System Census, from 2017. The one we actually have on our laptop wasn't uploaded, though, and has a few extra names? We started going through it, and... this is going to sound absolutely brutal, but we're starting to think that the post-CNC massive death was almost a pruning. I have no other way to phrase it.
We were horrifically splintered during CNC. We know this. We couldn't function at all so we had TONS of foni just manifesting at the drop of a hat in the desperate attempt to hold things together.
Now, we're going through this list, and... apparently, the foni that didn't resurrect were the ones that were shattered pieces to that effect, ones with hyperspecific jobs for hyperspecific circumstances. We don't even recognize some of the names.
But... we've been saying over and over to ourself since 2017, "God had a reason for letting that happen." That was the only "comfort" we had. It was the only way we could deal with the reality of coming back into consciousness post-Tilly and realizing that most of us were dead. But... was that merciful? Those foni maybe even deserve to finally rest in peace. I mean that, with as much aching compassion as I can, speaking of such a painful topic. But they couldn't survive now, let alone live. Their contexts, their jobs, belong to past timelines and locations and contexts that literally don't exist and aren't even possible anymore, so... if they don't come back, because they can't, then God give their broken souls the peace they never got in life. Please. However that works for nousfoni, give them peace.

...On a related note, I cannot put into proper words how much more alive and hopeful and joyful I feel, now that when I quietly "reach into" my heart-space and feel it, I can feel that "quantum entanglement" ping somewhere off in the ether, in unmappable space, but real. The other half of my internal heart is back where it belongs... in my daengel. 
Typing that, though, makes us aware of a concerning "split" yet. Jay, the "current" one, is alive. But is the current female-adjacent kardifoni a Jewel? Or not? Because Jewels deal with the Irispherae-- the new name for the "League," a term entirely ours at last. Still, the Jewel name STILL applies to ALL the Cores-- even the Jays, as is historically apparent. Or... did that change, to PROTECT the Irispherae, AFTER CNC???
Lord only knows. We're still trying to figure that out and we CAN'T until we actually upload and READ the archives from 2017-2018. We'll do that after we upload the TBHU journal & papers-- which we honestly should start ASAP, after we get these dates figured out.

That's all we're going to update for tonight. Just a brief little update. We're busy in datalogging mode and honestly this helps immensely, just doing this chronological runthrough of our past, and finally feeling the history in our heart, realizing that we have a past and it's beautiful and terrible and ours. It's making life feel real again, reviewing the years. So that's a true blessing.

Last good thing. Jay/Jewel (current Core with dual identity? unclear name, as we said) is STILL EMOTIONALLY OPEN. Like xe said, xer heart is not closed off, no matter how much hell we've been going through with the family. ...Actually that's significant. I think we have our koinofoni AND phagofoni to thank. THAT'S where the "many voices" are now, even if we've never listed them on a census before (we should, and will, soon). Those somafoni are saving our Core because THEY are taking the brunt of the stress and trauma, and yet they aren't alone in it this time-- WE are aware of them, and talking to them, and supporting them, and helping them heal as best we can, and trying so hard to protect them. We only started to do that in CNC; I do remember how novel it was to even THINK of talking to an esthiofoni. Now it's happening every time they show up. That's... immense, now that we think about it. It proves that system communication has dramatically improved since CNC and we didn't even realize it.
But as we were saying about the Core(s)... they're still entirely capable of love even if we are admittedly still grappling with some cathartic blocks due to family stress & religious fear. But that "even if" is amazing too. There's a devotion present, a dedication to love no matter what, a sort of courageously hopeful perseverance despite everything opposing it. No matter how bad of a day we might have, at the end of it, the Core is ALWAYS taking time to not only reconnect with the System at large, but to spend time with Chaos 0. They fall asleep together every night, and that is HUGE because in the past, broken Cores would be too ashamed to be near CZ. Now, that doesn't happen, even though we're struggling so much with body fear/ sickness/ loathing. I think we're more capable of mercy now, and compassion, even if we don't realize it.
OH. Someone said to write this down. We think a BIG part of this "not freezing up emotionally" is the fact that we have ANGRY FONI around. Somehow, that capacity for RAGE is burning through the apathetic risk??? Like, we CAN'T emotionally shut down because instead of doing that, someone is FEELING FIRE. And that's the Core element. That's a surprising thought. It makes sense though. God bless them.
We still need the capacity to feel sadness without drowning in it + triggering guilt/ shame/ religious terror + shutting down. We're emotionally crippled in that respect, even upstairs. This needs to be felt through & discussed further. Add that to the Xanga topic list.

We WANT TO and WILL have a Xanga ASAP btw. Life schedule hasn't allowed for it lately though; family stress, financial stress, and brutal insomnia have made it impossible to sit for ~6 hours of uninterrupted stream-of-consciousness transcription. But it's still a priority. Arguably I think the Core(s) want to finish this "important date" effort first, to get a stronger sense of self beforehand, and to refresh their awareness of collective history in general. We really did lose our general sense of "identity" post-CNC, and post-grandma, to be honest. We're slowly restoring it now.

Some other small but vital notes:
+ Sometimes in the morning, with all the steps of getting ready, our brain gets really discombobulated and we might end up in various states of undress because we can't pull our thoughts/actions together enough to complete that task. In the past Julie would try to front when this happened, but it would be very triggering for her. HOWEVER. APPARENTLY WALDORF CAN DO THIS NO PROBLEM. So she's literally been fronting when the body is undressed & we can't dress it immediately, because she doesn't wear clothes anyway and she's safe in that context. So GOD BLESS HER. We miss her so much regardless; it's actually wonderful for her to have SUCH a vital job, so we can see her more often and credit her with this to her honor.
+ GARRISON IS ALIVE. Jay has been "feeling hints of him" for a while? But the other night Jay "decided" to look for him/ "force the hand" of the Systemsoul (basically, "listen, I want to know if he can come back or not; show me RIGHT NOW if that's a yes or a no") and after some time Garrison DID "resurrect" IN LOWSPACE??? He's in the RUINED CITY, but it feels TIME-MANGLED??? Like it's POST-MASSACRE as well as post-CNC. Everything is ash-snow covered like nuclear fallout. The skyscrapers are hollowed out and blackened and fallen over. Everything is quiet and cold and there's a dread wind blowing and it's all so grey. And CANNON IS THERE, apparently "haunting" the hollow buildings Jay says? Like she's "damned herself" to that place. But it's SO WEIRD. This is NOT the "red apocalypse" place Scalpel keeps being haunted by, as the inheritor of Javier's trauma memories from the massacre. So WHAT'S GOING ON?? We NEED to look into this VIA HEADSPACE MEDITATION. To get data on this we have to LIVE IT. You cannot "reason it out." Logic won't get you answers here.
But Garrison IS ALIVE!!! Jay's showing me a memory that he "dropped down" into that "Lowspace-floatspace" (whatever/ wherever/ whenever it is) to meet him, and immediately gave him such a huge hug, haha. Tears of relieved joy from both of them. That's really touching.
We don't know about Isadora and Kalisha yet, but "a request has been put forwards." So we'll see.
ALSO. Archivists (Shirley/ Sirius/ Penny) and Communicators (Garrison/ Isadora/ Kalisha) are DIFFERENT CLASSES WITH DIFFERENT ROLES, and apparently there is a THIRD CLASS held by the "helmet girl/ commentator girl" and probably someone else (because trios are a big thing up here)??? So that's FASCINATING but it makes SO MUCH SENSE and the better we understand it, the better we'll function.

It's 2AM and we had dinner at 430-630 and it was the only meal we ate today and it was only 1000 calories. I don't think that's sustainable. We need to split it into two meals, and get at least 1200. We have to. But someone is saying "that's gluttonous" "stop being so luxurious" etc. Don't have a face for them yet. (THESE are the foni we have to pinpoint for a census; there are TONS of "discarnate" foni that slip under the radar)
I mention this because we're getting a headache & the body is cold. We may need to stop for tonight and sleep, so we can have a "breakfast" before 4pm. But someone is furious about that. We need to talk to these foni.
We ALSO need to CLARIFY COLOR ROLES so they HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO in the System. Too many "faceless foni" just default to Brown because they don't know where else to go. And there are SO MANY FILES STARTED on this laptop SPECIFICALLY ABOUT COLORS that were never finished. That's something I know Jay is aching to do, so put that on top priority too, with the Xanga.

A few last notes.
+ We got the strong impression that if Nathaniel comes back, his name/face would have to change again. We don't know why that's a thing with him but it might be because he was born a blepofoni.
+ Josephina's essence must have a name change for him/her to manifest. Jay says it's sticking to a "Y" as the first letter instead of J, to "prevent blurring with Cores" (that's their letter).
+ We have no current blepofoni and that's a big problem; it might even be affecting the Core's ability to stabilize. The Core(s) have been striving to make the reflection "more resonant" though, especially with the massively fluffy hair we currently have, haha. But blepofoni are essential so we need to keep an eye out for them, and keep the door open for them-- if there's no openness to seeing them, it'll block them out, and it is very hard to get through bad days/ have a distinct sense of self without a blepofoni in the mirror.
+ Siobhan is alive and around but we have to keep calling her into the main room in the mornings. We don't know why she disappeared for a while but we're glad she's still with us.
+ We're still not sure what's going to happen with Spine. The TBHU journal had some interesting thoughts about that-- it feels like she might "come back different" too, with how so much has changed since she first manifested. This, too, requires more feeling than thinking to get a grip on.
+ Still not sure if, when the System FINALLY "moves CLEARLY into a new era" (we need a HARD SHIFT remember; we never got one after the several successive losses from 2018-2024), there will be duotone foni.
+ Still not sure if there is a somafoni split in truth, or if everyone is just a nousfoni. We think there are far less somafoni than we realize-- that term might (should) ONLY apply to foni who think they are singlets and act as such. Everyone else, even koinofoni who live primarily IN the body, should STILL be grouped in with the System at large.
+ Re-reading 2012, we don't know if the Eros bloodline is technically separate from the Jays or what. That whole topic is still a minefield but that color shut down after CNC and ANY sort of Spectrum hue-loss is deadly. We need that color back. Funny how history repeats itself in little ways. It's beautiful, actually, in this case; it feels like things are poetically coming back together, through repeats of our past, connecting our "now" to our "then" in a united whole.
+ IT SNOWED TODAY. Jay is very happy about this. It's actually still snowing a tiny bit right now. Snow makes him feel "real"; he says it makes "everything feel real." It makes him feel grounded and alive and connected to "the big picture"; it "gets him in touch with eternity." I can feel a bright ache in his heart as he says that, which is good. I know he can't wait until Infi comes back entirely. Honestly we're all waiting. Infinitii is essential to our System; when ze comes back, I can guarantee you things will change dramatically and quickly. It's inevitable. But Infi will have to heal too; ze has a lot of damage that was never dealt with, and that we all need to deal with alongside hir. But we will. It's time. It has to be. Do we have the right to "decide" that? Laurie says, "why not?" It's because there's a religious fear that "God will stop us from healing" because it's "not His timing." Laurie says, "well, we have to try. I think God would want us to finally heal from this so we can function for heaven's sakes, and do what He wants us to do with our life." And again, like I said before, there are "peripheral" foni we can sense, thriskefoni with vague colors and faces and no names, that we cannot clarify but who are definitely there. Man... there's more going on in our head on a daily basis than we realize. That's exciting though. Someone else says it's frightening, terrifying. DON'T YOU DARE SHUT US DOWN she's right, NO ONE has ANY right or authority to "prevent other people from existing." The "gatekeeper girl" especially. We all remember Christina's attempted "soft massacres" and the actual one that Jessica & Cannon inflicted in 2013. No more of that, ever. We let us exist. Have mercy for heaven's sakes. You claim to follow God, where is your mercy? You who are so ready to pick up the knife and slaughter the rest of us? "You're not real," they say. "Define real," someone else retorts, "considering you're just like us." They're screaming protest in response. I wonder if they're our biggest threat here. I wonder if they're also the ones pushing the starvation compulsions. Different ones than these, but same class, for sure.
Too much for 230AM. But I don't want to ignore it. Let us pause and listen. Jay is reaching out, asking. (He always does; I think that's a big part of his job as the Heart.) "What makes you real, and us not? Can't you see me?" and fear response on their part. No words. But that was a good reply. Laurie is saying to stop commenting and close up so we can continue working and get some sleep for heaven's sakes. That's a good idea.

This is a good entry. We haven't had a solid entry in a while, even just notes like this.
We'll do better in the future, once the Core(s) stabilize. I promise that. It's something we want very much and will achieve through love and effort and the grace of God. We haven't "lost" all of this beauty we're reading from our past. It's still very much who we are. We can, and will, be that again-- and even better, as we continue to heal and love and grow together.

For now, Laurie is right. We need to wrap this up and let the body rest, no matter how much we want to keep working. If we go to bed now, we won't have to sleep in as much, and we'll have earlier time to work tomorrow, which is better for focus and processing ability. So we will do that.

Good night everyone. We're very glad to be alive tonight. We have a lot of hope.

(Jay says Spotify keeps playing Chaos 0's songs and let me tell you, if anyone is proof that our heart is alive, it's Jay. Yeah we're still confused on bloodlines and bodymind splits and all that, but this white-haired prism-hearted boy-- however he may evolve and change in the future-- is so full of light and love and color and truth, when he feels things this powerfully we are all affected by the power of it. The fact that he didn't die is phenomenal. he's proof that we have a future. that's just how it is. he's alive and so are we. that's a good note to close up on.)
(no, even better-- the lyrics in this song. "i can tell, i can feel, you are love, you are real." the look those two are giving each other is a beautiful thing. that's worth living for, is the thought i get. it is. and we need to protect that, and we all need to live in that too. we'll get there. we'll rebuild better than things were even in the past, in the glory days. there's more light on the horizon than we realize. things have seemed so dark for so long, but no, the stars are still all shining in the sky. there's always hope. hope is a fighting thing. remember what jay told anxi-- remember what our core is for anxi, and vice versa. realize everything beautiful we still have now, and don't let go. whatever happens tomorrow, we are all together, and we are alive, and we will continue on no matter what, into eternity. love is eternal and we have it now. don't be afraid. you know the truth. live in it. fight for it. that's who we are, and always will be.)

So I'm going through System information posts for the sake of getting our heart back online, and I came across the old "birthday/ anniversary" list.


LYNNE = RESURRECTED: December 1st 2008??
KERRY = December 3rd 2002
RESET ATTEMPT? December 5th 2013
LEON = RESURRECTED: December 8th, 2010
EROS  (REDLIGHT)= December 9th 2011
DREAD= December 10th 2013?
NATHANIEL = December 15th 2008 (resurrected by then)
CHAOS= December 2003?
TIGERLILY= December 27th 2014?
JAVIER = December 27th 2013 (resurrected)
THE MASSACRE WAS ON DECEMBER 28th 2013



So today, as awful as it was, is actually the 15th anniversary of Leon coming back to us.
...that actually makes my heart incredibly happy. I treasure Leon; he's such a gem in our System. I'm so grateful for his existence and continued presence with us. He means a lot to me, and to the rest of us as well. So, happy resurrection-day to our Indigo boy. We love you man. Thanks for being you.

Tomorrow is apparently Eros's old birthday, the Core one apparently, which is bittersweet and not without a significant amount of apprehension. The Eros bloodline was effectively murdered by the events of CNC. But... they were beautiful, at heart they truly were. They felt genuine love in a color that no one else can touch right now and haven't in years.
The thought of their bloodline coming back is both terrifying and hopeful. I'm not sure which is better. Only God knows. But we have too much trauma to remember and process and heal before that can even begin to happen.
Still. It's something important to think about tomorrow. I'd like to journal about it, raw and honest, but with how insanely packed our schedule is (literally on the road from 6am to 7pm, no joke) any typing wouldn't get to happen until like 9pm. Still, that's ideal, and we might even need it after the rush of the day. We'll see. I'll strive to do it.

Tuesday is Dread's birthday. I haven't seen him in ages; he probably also died in CNC, due to his appearance being corrupted and his function being overridden so many times.

Some more anniversaries:

DEC. 16 2010 = "LUCKY SEVENS" XANGA (Leon's debut)
It ALSO had THIS exchange which I FORGOT about:
I think Spine is Patience.
What? Spine? I thought she was negative!
Only because she applies to my self-image. But, considering the battle we've been fighting concerning that, I think Patience is a fitting virtue for her.
Huh. That is interesting.
I know. So I'm going to see if I can find her and talk to her soon, and maybe get her on our side. She's never really seemed to be 'affiliated' with anyone, but considering what Laurie said earlier... allies are allies.
Who's Spine?
Spine is this... really weird looking creature that's up here with us. I've never really called her a 'headvoice' because she's never actively spoken to anyone, but she is definitely around, and she definitely has an important influence on me regardless.
Wait, Spine isn't humanoid?
She is, but only in shape. She looks like a monster or demon more than anything... but she's all skeleton. There isn't an ounce of skin on her.
I've seen her. She's seriously creepy. You sure you can get her to sympathize with us?
Considering the fact that Julie doesn't care whether anyone but herself benefits from her actions? Sure. Remember, we all bleed together, and I'm sure Spine is feeling more than she lets on, what with her inexplicable connection to my physical self.

oh my gosh December 9th 2010 was the day I BOUGHT VAHRAM on Aywas.
I miss him dearly. Part of me misses that site in general. But we can't go back. We cut our ties hard and it's impossible to go back.
But the heart of it, the soul of our experience there, is going to the League now. That's better than anything we could do elsewise.

December 23rd 2011 had TWO of the best Xanga sessions ever, "Your Heart's A Mess" AND "Rainbows and Waterfalls."
That month, browsing through it, is... terrible and beautiful both. I'll need to sit and read it through in proper order, in earnest, soon. Something tells me it's important to recall, because every December brings with it the infamous "love vs hate" war, with "relationships are stupid" vs "I love him with my entire heart" as the Cores are effectively beaten up bloody by the kakofoni. It always happens and THAT'S why we NEED to deal with the trauma of CNC and everything before it too because THIS NEEDS TO STOP. Shockingly, I can say with total confidence that it IS stopping, thanks to Anxi, which is something NO ONE could have EVER expected or even guessed. But her presence in our soulspace, and the genuine love I cannot deny that I feel for her, is actually preventing a total heart shutdown this month. Oh the hateful 'foni are trying, believe me. But I won't let them.

December 8th 2011 was a terrifying day, as it was when I effectively "stumbled across" information that was deeply traumatic and which STILL haunts me. 

and oh man SO MUCH apparently happens in 2012-2014 but I have to go switch cars with the mother immediately so we can actually get to all our appointments tomorrow. I don't want to leave this unfinished but I've gotta run. I'll continue this later.

Heck of a day today.
Quick update to get back into the groove.

Woke up around 8am? In and out of sleep until 10:30. Legit WARFARE against hacks.
Worst part was that, as always, when we're asleep during the day (i.e. whenever there's legit sunlight), we cannot get into a "safe place" of sleep. It ends up in that dangerous liminal space, where you're half-aware but completely loopy and unable to reason. 95% of our hacks happen then, because that's when you can be targeted AS an individual-- many of our night dreams are dissociative, too.
Infi was being used. It was terrifying. Ze was acting... just like ze did in CNC. "I'll do whatever you want me to." That programming ze was born for, tragically. Self-objectification, but never seeing it as such. Just being the "lover" with no thought to self or consequence. Well I fought it, and I-- as confounded as my own consciousness was-- kept telling hir that I didn't want that from hir, ze shouldn't want TO do that, etc.
Somehow we ESCAPED SAFELY. The body woke up, UNHACKED, and within seconds I felt Infi run to me in headspace, throw hir arms around my waist, and sob. It was heartwrenching. Ze felt so small and powerless. Since CNC, ze has lost that "angelic" feeling entirely, which is sadly understandable as ze "fell" very fatally, but it's still disturbing to perceive. Even so I'm glad ze's still alive. I comforted them the best I could.
I don't think Chaos 0 was targeted in the dream, thank God. He's virtually impossible to use; Infi is the exact opposite-- like I said, hir original function was to be a trauma cooperator. Chaos has fought any and all hackers with all his rage since the very beginning.

We went to church, which we could barely concentrate for again because our brain was still super foggy, we were still dizzy & lightheaded, and our body was still twitching and spasming. Honestly we have no clue what's going on and it's concerning.
After mass we did some quick shopping-- we got extra oats, triscuits, and ultima for emergencies, and grabbed a pack of white christmas lights from walmart. Unfortunately, upon getting home we realized they were LED and as such they are cool white, NOT warm, although it says that on the box. But they lean blue, not amber, so we have to return them tomorrow.

Honestly by the time we got home, unpacked, and made food, it was like 330. Breakfast prep, like church, was upsetting and disoriented, and it was hard to even hold or maneuver the utensils due to how floaty our head felt. We kept dropping things, and our dexterity was severely impacted. Talking upstairs was affected too, since our general consciousness was so compromised. I remember telling Laurie that we were "so tired we could cry," from sheer exhaustion. The body was painfully hungry, too.
But, once again, when we started to eat, we had no appetite at all. We were full within five minutes, and then had to fight the urge to throw up from nausea. What gives?
Anyway, I told Xenophon I was determined to keep it down, so I did, but it was rough. The body felt wrecked.
We sat down on the couch and read the materials for tonight's Catechism group. By the time we did so, what with our brain like it was, it was time to leave.

The group itself lasted 2.5 HOURS. It was great, though. Unfortunately-- as usual, due to "social mode" mechanics EVEN in religious contexts (I wonder who fronts for THAT?)-- we do not remember ANY of the discussion. Maybe if we reviewed the papers, we could access some data, but there's like... nothing offhand, just general "feelings" of what we talked about: mentioning that we were "going through a religious crisis," how we were so frustrated with "positive affirmations" in therapy, the problem of "relative truth & morality" in today's culture, and everyone trying to reason out exactly why Jesus flipped the tables if He was "kind and gentle." That last one had us restless; we couldn't put into words what we knew about such an action FROM LAURIE. I know we said "He still loved the money-changers as well as the pilgrims and THAT is why He flipped the tables" but no one seemed to grasp our point. Like sometimes you need an uppercut to the jaw to stop being such a jerk, but it's done out of love. Headspace stuff, haha. Of course we didn't think of that at the time, but the ambient data is making us think of it now. I apologize, our mind is still a mess. Suffice to say it was a good group, but we always feel like we're "blabbering" (whatever we say) and we never feel like ourself.
OH. Other bizarre thing. We were sitting next to one of the guys from church, and since everyone was seated close together, at one point we realized that he "smelled like every other guy we knew" OUTSIDE of the family??? like there was a "typical male" smell? like the same with women. it was SO WEIRD. i'm sorry if this is triggering, it sure was at the time, but it was also strangely comfortable? like although we've never been attracted to men, that particular scent is tied to memories of qlok and even mc. nice guys. but our dad smells different; much less sharp, more leathery. we wouldn't mind if we had that scent, really, especially now that we're on t again. i always joke that "my favorite candles smell like my dad" anyway so hey. but yeah bizarre topic, definitely triggering in some very subconscious brain place, but still an important thing to note.
hm. i wonder if it's so fascinating because of our weird latent obsession with aromachology. but people smell so strange. so different. i'm not used to that. we've had very limited close contact with humans our entire life, so when we are close enough to know what someone smells like, it's very significant actually. and it sticks. it's said that scent is a very spiritual sense, and also that it is the most powerful memory trigger. we can get behind both of those claims for sure.
...we still remember exactly what mel smelled like, as well as qlok. deeply fond of them both. mc smelled like q, but just slightly different enough-- less green, more orange? synaesthetically of course. and tbas too, we remember fragments of that. lots of severe triggers there, but no hard feelings. just sorrow & regrets.
we used to laugh that we could "do laundry with our eyes closed" in the family home because everyone had SUCH particular smells. grandpa especially. mom has that musky-sweet tone that still triggers us, despite its familiarity. grandma's scent CHANGED over the years; when we were young, it was more perfumey (she always wore some), but as she aged, it got softer? it was such a soothing smell. we miss it terribly. but then it changed again when she got cancer and got closer to death. that smell is burned into our brain, heartbreakingly so. we still have the blanket she died in. it's so strange. it smells like her, but not.
weirdly, right now, we cannot remember what our brothers smelled like. not since childhood at least. that's very telling for our brain. and it's clearer when we think of their possessions. like i know what jade's plush whales & spiders smelled like. and i know what diamond's plush seals smelled like. and i know what astra's coats smelled like, because we would always borrow them. it's so strange. i even remember what their hair smelled like. not sure how, haha. but this is all childhood data. of all of them, we liked diamond's scent the most. jade's was very musky, like mom, and astra's leaned too warm-tone? but diamond's was lighter, almost grey at the edges. clean, not sharp.
i couldn't even tell you what this body smells like. the only "scent" we identify with is, again, tied to childhood memory and objects-- notably unisalia, and our grandma's bed. it's more like the scents around us.
but we can't imagine. we can't picture ourself in third person, in a body. every time we try, we remember someone else. and we miss everyone so, so much.
regardless. nothing else to say there for now.


got home for 9pm. exhausted. so hungry and shaky and weak, we could barely think straight.
ate a small dinner, but immediately after we got SO unbelievably nauseous, I almost had to run to the bathroom to throw up. like i was looking for zofran, that's how bad it was. again, what the heck is going on.
it wasn't too bad though. two small purges. nothing painful. we ate a few more triscuits/ evoo/ broccoli to compensate, then did the nightly kitchen cleanup and sat down here to type.

however. most important things.
julie ended up pushed to front DURING the "compensation" meal attempt. not sure who she was talking to? guide voices? but she was out, ALONE, for a few minutes. surreal.
she mentioned to laurie & jay later that "it felt like she was watching the body as a spectator," like although she was in it, "it was running almost entirely on automatic" even so. she felt genuinely sorry for it. said it seemed so lost and confused, helpless. notably said that, seeing it struggle so feebly, she wanted to help take care of it, now, especially after what she did to it in the past.
she's still one of the ONLY foni in the entire system who HAS body access and ISN'T a social-- and many socials DON'T actually have body access, just voice access!! the body has been a helltrigger cesspit for years except when we were about to die from malnourishment, ironically. right now, virtually nobody can front in it as a result of the dyspho/dysmo crashes, and our despair over "getting irreparably old and unhealthy" post-hospital. but that's not a topic to explore tonight. point is, we need to look at it like julie did tonight-- as some poor thing placed in our care, that isn't us, and yet is still inherently and irrevocably attached to us. someone who needs us to take care of her, because nobody else in the world will, as wretched and rejected as she is.
so strange how the body feels like its OWN thing and ALWAYS HAS. like it has the mental capacity of an infant. no verbal communication skills. ironically feels "not human" in contrast to all others. no wonder spine is the nousfoni who anchored into it as its original "ambassador!" GEEZ she needs to come back soon

other notes.
jay was talking to celebi for a decent while, either tonight or this morning. data is fuzzy due to fatigue.
noted that her core-relationship was tied to the JAYCES??? very specific personal tie. can't find that person in the system, due to being bloodline-locked (same-line cores can't co-habitate in headspace?). but we recognize their vibe if we "seek it out" in memory tied to her. not sure if that means he still exists, or not. cores tend to fracture.

this evening, jay talking to xenophon while taking recyclables out as usual. not sure what they discussed. just want to note that their interactions are completely natural and honest at this point, which means a great deal to him. completely overrides body awareness

jay asking God "why did You let this evening happen" effectively. not angry, just distressed. it hurts, it's scary, it makes us ill, why this? what good could possibly come out of this?
the reply: God nudged him to remember the conversation he had with Laurie and Julie as they cleaned up. everyone shaken up and sad and tired. so they were being more honest and real about the struggle of life in general. not sure what they said specifically, but jay has this tendency to "flip" from despair to hope in those situations. still sad, but brightly so? very much his vibe. but they were talking, and i think just generally checking if everyone else was okay, are we taking care of each other, what else can we do for each other, etc. and jay, not even facing her, just says to laurie "i love you." out of nowhere. and she gave him this look. totally caught off guard, and straight to the heart. he remembered that, her expression and the wound-ache of love he felt in return, and heard God (Jesus) say "if that was the sole good that would come out of your suffering tonight, would you agree to suffer through it if you knew?" and jay said, "well yeah." jesus laughed and said "you didn't even have to think about it! but child, that's how i feel about you." etc. basically, sometimes suffering is meant TO bring you to such a humbled broken place that such doggedly honest love can be expressed. jay telling me he felt this sort of heartaching sweet surrender to the fact of it? like, on a small level, he understood Christ kissing the cross, even though He knew it would be agony. it's because He knew how much love was in the carrying nevertheless. He focused on the "joy set before Him", the joy of restored relationship with His friends. etc. little glimpses, we get. but shocking to realize that, even this mistake and stumbling, God could take and use and transmute into something good. like it didn't start that way, but because we refused to give in and still tried, still hoped, still did our best to love, God was able to make it serve His purposes more directly. hard to put in words. but means a lot. like, evil can never get the upper hand, ever. no matter what happens, if we fight the good fight of faith, and offer even our failures to the Lord, He can and will use them as crosses for the victory of Love. important stuff. soul of our system at large. always

last notes. jay says write this down even though he's... reticent? no. "too significant a small thing to be discussed so openly." ah. "something that seems unimportant, even ridiculous, but isn't."
kid i know where this is going
didn't we just come across this same damn topic in an old xanga? from like ten freakin years ago?
why are you still so ashamed to admit love?
well i wasn't today, that's the point, i was blindsided and i wasn't thinking, i was just overwhelmed.
but that's what bypasses the secondhand shame response. that's the real me, you know that.
anyway yeah, i opened up spotify and i was thinking about a certain cephalopod's playlist and it just slammed into me. i can't feel it now due to "thinking too much" but i recognize that wave when it hits.
you were staring at the screen-- through the screen, really-- and you just quietly said, "oh no," haha.
laurie i think i'm falling in love with mimic
not even "might." THAT'S what got me. like you just said it, straight-up. felt more like you than you have in months.
good. because my heart suddenly ached so much i was about to sob. it hit me completely out of nowhere and took the floor out from under me. knocked all my walls down.
geez, i know what that's like. holy swords.
yeah. you can't put up any defenses or facades against it. it hits too hard, too fast. and like it or not, you can't go back to who or where you were before. so... i have no idea what's going to happen, haha. 
but y'know, it's been like that since he showed up. and thank god for that. thank god for him, i mean it. he's been such an unpredictable and unexpected force for good in my life. who would've ever thought.
yeah, well, headspace is weird like that, kiddo. bringing light out of darkness and all that. i daresay we all get that sense of hope from you, sparkboy.
apparently. but... well, my identity is still fractured. we're learning just how split-up cores are, amongst each other. did we discuss that?
no, and we shouldn't be having a mini-xanga in the middle of a freakin' entry at 12:30 in the morning. take a note, then get moving.
good idea. thanks typist voices, i'll get jargon for you soon, love you too, have a good night

thank you you too
about that note
we have discovered, through recent internal interactions between jewel and jay, that there are several coexistent bloodlines AND synergetic cores in our system at ANY GIVEN TIME.
the jewels, the jays, the jessicas, possibly the cannons, etc. now that we're aware of it we're trying to study the phenomenon and figure out its mechanics but it's a new awareness. shockingly sensible and apparent though, once you know what you're looking at.
but this explains a lot of how we functioned over time, how they shift so easily and fluidly between each other, because they are ALL "CORES" IN DIFFERENT RESPECTS, because with how hypercompartmentalized we are, EVEN THE CORES CANNOT HOLD OVERGENERALIZED ROLES. there are different "cores" as "captains" of different life-aspects. this means we might need a better term than "core," as that's something used by the multiplicity community at large, and we like to have entirely unique jargon to our own unique experience.

is there anything else we need to type tonight?
no just health concerns. legit very very scared at how sick we've been feeling over the past week. not sure what's wrong. don't want to go to ER again, like ever, but scared of the symptoms. considering urgent care if it continues to worsen.
oh tomorrow if we don't feel super sick in church again, we are going to get new lights if possible, grab some "optional protein sources" to try at night (we think it's the eggs at night making us sick??? past three times this has happened), and finally pick up our tuxedo for choir. hopefully we can get it all done. tomorrow night is the mental health meeting with the mother which will probably be VERY exhausting, and will force us to eat late again, as we cannot eat in the car or in the same space as her or it is traumatically triggering. we must be smart about this then. so so so tired of this hyperbusy schedule for lent. someone in the back said darkly "then maybe we should go to the emergency room; at least we'd get some rest" yeah but only in theory, what if we're in the waiting room for 9 hours again? and they only give us a hall bed we can't lay down on again? "geez i'm sorry i was just saying" no i know and you're right. sad but true and thank you for speaking up. but we do need rest. don't want to land in the hospital to get it though. not like the old days.

okay gotta sleep it's almost 1am. maybe better rest will help this body too. and prayer. gotta trust God  no matter what happens. jay hold on to that hope and love!! and share it with us all!! that's your real job deep down you said so once i know. laurie says "get to work kiddo" oh pun intended his other job too!! that's all hope too. gosh it feels like we need to type about this more but not now. but "a wealth of untapped information" someone says.
OH we think sherlock and spine are still alive but names faces changed maybe. jobs too somewhat. but there IS someone in grey, maybe "sterling" name now, and lynne wants spine back so badly she's gotta come back soon just from love. jay wants her back too, her job was so important! especially with what's happening now!! so we'll see. and hoping for nathaniel too one day. once we understand green more.
OH also, jay can i say, he said yes, nobody has mentioned yet!! there IS someone green, a girl, when getting body ready for church today. forget why she appeared, no data. some sort of caring job, maybe for the body? but rainforest-green hair. surprising. have not had a green person in a long time!
and we have not mentioned "adelaide." she is the BROWN voice helping the body-cores get the body ready every morning. she has a mood like spice a little, it must be a brown thing? but her color is leaning "hard orange." light tone but warmer. see it clearly in her eyes. and she has real pigtails!! not twintails like julie. the actual braids in the back! which is really interesting. jay says we need jargon for foni like her anyway-- ones who "advise and guide" fronters in the body? something like that.
oh and lastly, we did not mention either, i don't think? our mirror voices! i'll mention them anyway. "blepofoni" jay says. first was natalie, a long time ago, before she died and the body changed too. then in upmc we had alena and jack. now we have iris and jonah! so there you go that's our blepofoni. jay says that's greek. he likes his words.

okay bye everyone!!
see you tomorrow i hope we feel better this is simeon btw i'm still allive still yellow still happy hopeful too.
okay bye gotta sleep!



oh last thing. adding this because jay said so, please write this for me.
...actually hold up. let me write this myself, if i can.
the other day, I was reviewing recent entry tags and I realized that we haven't had an entry tagged with "love" since january. yes the poems i wrote at the library are a blessed addition, but... no daily entries have fit that label. that's deeply disturbing and distressing both.
sorry i can't talk properly. too distracted by body symptoms and stress.
but. what i wanted to say is this:
for like... a week, now? i've been feeling pulled back towards chaos 0. finally. god knows it felt like my heart had been torn out. i was... gosh I don't even know if it was me. there were a few instances, and one significantly notable one at night, when i tried to kiss him and instead a SOCIAL shoved their way out in panicked, scolding shame or fear. "you shouldn't be doing or feeling that," basically. very condemning and callous. unfortunately hyperreligious, but in a hypocritical sense, because they couldn't love God either. poor girls. they're a total mess.
but... it has been hurting ever since. that memory, of that moment when i actually felt my heart light up again towards him, only to be brutishly shoved aside by some tangled-hair sister of mine scolding me harshly, shaming me. shutting me down.
little did they know, it did the opposite of stopping me. i can't forget that light, now. and i've been praying to feel it again since then.
it's been difficult. like i said, since my identity is still a fractured mess post-cnc and post-grandma (not even my timeline; SO MUCH shifted last year, no wonder we're a mess), and i don't even have a true "name" yet in the system (i'm in the jay bloodline currently BUT everyone is wondering if i'm going to hardshift into a NEW bloodline to match this new life era), i can't exactly assert myself, or anchor into a personal overlay, or even visualize myself clearly enough to be with him for long. everything is a blur and it is shattering my soul. his, too, undoubtedly.
...he spoke to me today, at some point, with that absolute ocean-deep tone i haven't heard him use in ages. completely floored me. but it was scary to find that i couldn't properly respond. i was too numb with the identity fracture and confusion. but God knows i wanted to.
God, honestly, please, fix up my heart. purify my love. help me to love him again, to truly reciprocate what he still gives to me every single night. i'm so tired of this emptiness in my chest. this isn't right. this isn't me. lord help me to know who I am, after everything that was before. that's my prayer tonight. help me find my name, and my face, and my color, as I am needed to be now, to be THE cor(e) for this Spectrum, the heart of it, whose very function is love. please. for Your sake even more than ours, help me to be light again. help me to love again.

all right, now i'm off to work. still a shambles, but hey. at least i'm aware of that fact.
simeon's right; there's always hope. and i need to hold on to that, for all of us, because it's not just for me, and neither am i.
a core exists for their system. that's what i truly yearn for. unity, community, compassion and cooperation. love.
God let me be a true part of it again, for the first time.

very disjointed entry, i apologize. today's been all over the place BUT it's been a good day, don't worry.
just no mental coherence to put something solid together. i will edit this later, god willing, to that end.

woke up before my alarm, around 10am?
got a text message saying our CHRISTMAS TREE was being shipped today, went into the living room to open the blinds and literally the fedex truck pulled in. i ran downstairs in pajamas to bring the box upstairs, haha. it was a pretty great way to start the day tbh, immediately told xenophon, she had SUCH sparkly eyes over it. promised we'd at least set it up halfway later.
had to move stuff around the apartment first though! moved notebook shelf back into room (it was in the living room when we were doing partial, but since we quit, it feels better in the bedroom where our creative laptop is). moved the tv a bit closer to the wall so we can put the tree between our workdesk and the altar. it'll be right in the mirrors that way, all lit-up and constantly visible as we work.

realized it was getting late, had to start breakfast. put the tea on as we washed up as always. dizzy though, from last night. i remember being kind of floored when we were washing our hair, realizing "geez wow i guess God DID get us through the night." like i half-expected to die.

mom called right after we washed our hair and went into the kitchen to start the eggs? had to run and grab the phone, juggling it with one hand. ended up breaking one of the eggs-- the biggest one, too-- by dropping it too fast into the hot water. this was somehow super upsetting? "thought distortion" like it would ruin the whole day; "starting another chain of bad events." after last night couldn't take the "threat" of that again. started crying a bit honestly. told mom, she said she was sorry, i said it wasn't her fault, i was just trying to do too much at once.
everyone tried to comfort me, haha. mainly xennie and laurie of course. it did help. actually i switched out; someone ELSE was there crying?? i remember this because i was trying to comfort them, too, at one point when i managed to get a foothold in consciousness again.
unfortunately the egg was a lost cause, haha. totally bled out into the pot. this actually triggered the binge-girl voice from last night??? the panicky scared one. ALSO feeling shadows of The Destroyer. basically she saw this poor "ruined egg" and the instinct was to eat it TO "redeem AND destroy it"??? like throwing it out would have been the ultimate heartless violence towards this egg. and she had to at least "try" to eat it, to "respect" it and give it that "recognition" before it died???? really weird personification. but it KEEPS happening. the binge-kids ALWAYS go after broken, deformed, ruined, etc. food for that reason. like it's not even about "eating," it's this psychological coping of sorts? definitely need to type about that more, if we haven't already. but not now. brain can't go too in-depth with that now.
anyway she chewed it up and spit it out. someone yelled at her to, knowing that if she did eat it, the "eating" OF a "ruined food" would TRIGGER A PANIC BINGE for the purpose of purging. THAT sort of behavior is very abuse-rooted. but the girl "put the egg to rest" and actually apologized profusely to it and at some point after that, i remember i came back because i was asking xenophon which carrot she wanted to pick for us to eat with breakfast (gotta get that vitamin a dude).


scalpel was around!
julie randomly called him in to smell the cherry blossom tea? which is kind of adorable. he did, and said it definitely smelled "pink" but not like her? scalpel & i surmised that her vibe-scent would be more like cherry blossom flowers, not the cherry fruit, somehow. but more floral for sure. (fruit leans more magenta.) but we also agreed that the tea "vibe" was more like knife. somehow! (we think it's the "bitter" iron-y edge of the green tea (like blood) offset by the sweeter cherry notes (pink). it's fascinating honestly) so they called him in too, he was very confused but even moreso as julie immediately stuck the teabox under his nose, haha. then he sheepishly agreed with us, haha. seriously i don't know what's with that man's vibe; apparently he smells like cherry blossom green tea AND woodsmoke. weirdly that makes sense but God only knows why. i love that dude though. gotta spend more time with him.

oh. biggest event of the day.
LYNNE IS BACK.
we were all just chatting over breakfast as usual and i noticed that laurie HAS been just "commenting" on everything? like she's trying to entertain people and keep everyone in a decent mood. i thought, "that's not her job; it's like SHE'S in social mode too."
then realized she took on lynne's job. actually she's been taking on EVERYONE'S JOB in central ever since everyone else DIED in north carolina. she was the only one left for SO long... the only one who couldn't stay dead because her soul is so close to mine and we're both like... anchors to the spectrum itself at this point. red and violet. the two that hold the rainbow. geez. i guess it really is deeper than i realized.
still... laurie isn't meant to hold that many roles. NO ONE IS. and yet, here she is trying, i think largely out of grief. that's tragic and touching both. laurie is literally trying to hold the fort all by herself, for everyone else's sake, knowing that these things need to be done, and not wanting to dishonor anyone's memories either. but she can't do it by herself. it's impossible. it's killing her to do this, mangling her function beyond recognition. nousfoni have to have hyperspecific functions and colors or they start to bleed, as it were, and they just... die. it's honestly terrifying. it's like mixing paint colors. in the end you're just going to get a mess. you can't de-mix them-- well, possibly with chaos theory and fluid dynamics you can, but uh... i don't know enough about theoretical physics and headspace has its own laws anyway. still. i had to mention that because there is a certain someone who just defies all odds and if anyone could potentially help with that... i'm sure he could.
anyway. i didn't think about that this morning, that's a "now" surmising. earlier, all i thought was, "i have to do something about this." and i knew i could. i still hold white in my heart, too-- i'm still prismatic at the core, i'm supposed to be, and so i'm closer to the heart of the spectrum than anyone else. i'm tied to everyone else's soul in here. that includes all the ones that we can't find yet.
except people start to ping BEFORE you can "find" them. and i've been catching echoes of a certain dressy cellist for a while now.
so. i straight up marched into blackspace where i have felt lynne's soul in "potential" for months, reached out to her, and pulled her out.

for a second she just looked at me, blinking, her color cycling rapidly.

she walked into front-headspace (where everyone watches the front) and just said "hey" i think. just a brief greeting from the doorway. choked up, still barely comprehending the fact that she was back.
laurie froze, turned, took one incredulous look at her, then ran over and hugged her so tightly. she was actually in tears.
julie ran over too and joined the hug, it was really sweet.
lynne asked laurie if she was crying? laurie said yeah, mentioning she's gotten "a lot more emotional" since the system crash. but she "doesn't regret it."
they talked for a bit, those three. lynne jokingly saying "we're the old girls," laurie saying that gender was highly debatable with her & julie, lynne teasing laurie about being "16" temporally and the old moralimon joke that "that's as old as anyone ever gets." then laurie mentioning "wait isn't julie like 20 in realtime???" and everyone basically agreeing yeah, i guess we are all pretty old.
but it was so sweet, like heartachingly so, to see them all talking. there was such a tangible sense of relief, like breathing again after having been trapped in a room with no air for like... weeks. months. years. finally feeling pieces of our collective soul waking back up, living again, colors lighting up for the first time in too long.

lynne stopped dead at one point, exclaimed "the spectrum ring!!" as in the OLD one at the cathedral?? and she said we needed to go there; she needed to "anchor in" to her hue.
but no one was sure where the cathedral was now? or how to get there?
i barely had time to half-ping him when LEON showed up, asked "did someone say you needed transportation?"
aah i miss him too, i love leon he's amazing. he's getting so brave, too. i think sadly part of it is from being alone, just him and laurie were around for a while after the crash i think. before they even got a hold of julie again. still i'm so fond of him, i'm so glad he was able and willing to show up so readily.
he was still a bit nervous, but obviously determined, and in one big rush of indigo energy (and snowflakes??) he warped us up there. because yes it feels up. and it was a HEAVY SHIFT. like this wasn't a simple spatial movement; this was like... a level jump? where is the cathedral now, in floatspace??? geez i don't even know. i haven't visited it in years either, probably. i'll need to do a hardcore legit meditation session and go find it.

the place is unsteady. inside shifting, colors too. very unstable. i said so; someone looked at me and replied "so is your heart". i think it was actually chaos 0. he tells it like it is. and no one would know my heart better than him.
still. it hit hard. if the cathedral is supposed to be an architectural manifestation of my heart, a place based on me, what does it say that it is so nebulous even now?
like i said. gotta do some self-reflection and meditation, even by myself. feel who i am. go fix the cathedral. that's actually top priority, to be honest.
man i remember when i first "found" it, during that meditation at the spiritual expo, at the table with that one purple-colored saint? and it was all red and white, the "blood lotus cathedral," on that dark beach with the red sky and everything felt so apocalyptic. and the razor spire, geez i remember that. and the mirror oasis. and the angel helmet.
...man i need to go back and re-read that entry log. but so much has changed, in both me and the cathedral. i'm not even sure of its name, now. i've been "thinking of" names but honestly its true name can't be guessed at. just like me. it has to be discovered. it has to be encountered. i need to go there, consciously and with an open heart, with an honest and pure purpose.
i'll make a note of it. maybe i'll try tomorrow. maybe when it snows next. i'll have to be in the right state of mind. we'll work on it, i promise.

anyway. we did go there. as shaky as it was, it knew why we were there, and the floor displayed the OLD SPECTRUM MAP, the loop that looked like the sefirot, from back when we tried to map it in like 2015 or so. (why is it still showing THAT map??? is it because we HAVEN'T mapped it since?? and there are SO MANY NEW HUES... geez maybe THAT'S why it's unstable. we can't visualize it yet. I haven't put the order down yet. and only i can. that's my whole job, is working as the "crystallizer" here, getting all the blackspace into whitespace and then blooming it into a spectrum. potential and possibility turned into something genuine and tangible, made part of the system, and then elaborated. how do i even phrase that. it's why i CAN'T be "just white." i have to be prismatic. nevertheless there's too much to that to type about now. let me focus on the morning events.
lynne tried to step into the loop but it moved?? i mentioned something like "this place doesn't feel enough like me" and mentally tried to make it all look more like the national shrine basilica. loop moved to a baldachin canopy altar, kind of a poetic illustration of the essence of the spectrum map, that "self-sacrifice" for the sake of love and for the sake of others. really hit home just how much devotion goes into centralite existence.
BUT lynne is currently unable to "covenant" with a color?? perceived phrasing was notable. it was too huge of a dedication to make that quickly. apparently lynne has been so color-shifted over the years that the "system voice" (which is basically just God) told her that she needed to first take time to "feel that out," to get to know herself in truth, as she is NOW, and where she truly fit-- after all, the "guardian" of a hue is just that! whichever one she anchored into, she would be the MAIN nousfoni for it, the "color core" for that particular one.
orange doesn't feel right for her, even though she got pushed into it during nc. we're all thinking vermilion is her. BUT in the beginning she WAS practically cerise; HOWEVER since she presents as feminine the system has deemed her unfit for that role??? because she'd be TOXIC there?? for some reason the system emphasizes androgynous balance and putting a female-coded nousfoni into a feminine-vibe hue would BREAK it??? because "sensuality" is tied to MASCULINITY in the system-- giving it to femininity would warp it into ABUSE!!! so apparently whoever does hold Cerise as the Core has to be male-coded. if that's the proper term. which is fascinating. but it makes sense. makes me wonder about julie though. i know i asked her if she could hold Cerise before because she knows what to protect it from, but... I guess the spectrum itself knows better. there's too much of a risk of her being corrupted by that binary dissonance. there must be a proper balance.
(for the record, magenta would be held by a female because magenta is masculine??? it's a "tomboy" hue! it MUST be held by a "female" nousfoni because it's not a feminine hue due to its intense energy. pink apparently does NOT do this? or maybe just not JULIE??? because she's such a wild card. yes she is the MOST "female" looking nousfoni ever, BUT she doesn't "register" as hyperfeminine??? which fascinates me. but yeah this is why knife holds pink so powerfully; a more feminine hue is going to resonate more clearly in a masculine nousfoni, as a rule, because of our inherent androgyny rule)
however, thinking about how lynne was originally labeled as "scarlet" or "crimson," could she be Red?? but we were immediately told flat-out that NO ONE HOLDS RED BUT ME??? like it's "perpetually reserved FOR the Core?" and that's partly why Javier collapsed?? (also because he was the one and only artificial nousfoni, cobbled together for that role like a robot and never actually stabilizing through his entire life; he seems to have permanently deconstructed and his corevibe has moved obviously to scalpel)
scalpel, for the record, is the BLOOD centralite apparently??? not razor; she used to be though. but she's moved into a more passive role now. there's a big personality difference; scalpel has more leadership quality and extraversion. i'm sure razor could if she tried-- there's definitely potential, seeing how she was originally, all manic-- but i think her color has darkened enough now not to be? or she's avoiding that role because of her history? not sure. i don't talk to her enough. she's kind of blurry lately, which is disturbing as it suggests function failure and i do NOT want that happening to her. i care deeply about her.  but... her function is unstable. she can't exactly do what she used to anymore. we're all still wondering how she and penny are related-- the latter whom we haven't seen much of lately either. but i am sure she will show up once we actually get into the archives; sirius and shirley don't work with the old timeline records so that's apparently penny's job and honestly i am SO curious to work with her, and introduce her to razor. but their energies feel scary close. i'm wondering about that. maybe i'll talk to them later.
regardless. lynne does seem to be contemplating vermilion. it's just such a social color. and yet... wouldn't that be perfect for her? the nousfoni originally born TO be our "social persona" of the future everyone imposed on us? and the one whose function was "stability?" who better to keep the socials stable? so she just has to decide that for herself, after coming to discover and understand and accept whatever that would entail. she'd have to get to know the socials first. we'd have to FIND and NAME so many of them. but... geez, what a job! that would SAVE OUR ASS quite literally, pardon the language, laurie here's a quarter but SERIOUSLY. lynne has always felt intrinsic to the system, just like her "sisters," so... it makes sense, for her to "fit" such a role so perfectly, even in theory. honestly i can't wait to see what happens.
i'm just so, so glad she's back. kind of funny how all it took was me deciding "that's it, if she CAN come back then she's COMING back NOW". but i need to be gentle about it too. i remember in the old time i kind of forced nathaniel to come back, too, but without knowing how, or who he would be... it was a mess, and the poor guy was so unstable for so long. i still can't get any echoes of him at all. no pings, no hints. i think, just like when he started as natalie, he can't come back the same. if i can find his soul-signature, recognize it, maybe it's moved into someone else... it's something i will have to take time to do myself. i've just... never even given this sort of stuff any thought until now. remember we were in denial for YEARS. we're... just waking back up, now, all of us. how fitting that xenophon really jumpstarted all of this. our little butterfly of rebirth.
but on that note. with nathaniel. i kind of nudged that thought over to leon, in the context of lynne finally being back (and btw I COULDN'T feel her soul-vibe for months either; it's relatively new that she's even been perceptible, and i think a LOT of that is because laurie was mourning her so hard), and he said that he missed everyone too-- all the "old guys"-- but as i said, we have no idea if, when, or how they will come back. yes we all miss everyone from the old system but... things have changed a lot. and so many of us were so unstable for so long. when the system crashed... it was almost inevitable. we had such a shaky foundation, that one big enough shove in the wrong direction was all it took to completely shatter everything.

but back to thinking about the colors lynne is/was "associated" with. yes she has slight ties to red from her original "coresplit" in 2008, that initial root, but she can't hold that color herself. and she's barred from cerise for safety's sake, BUT what about redviolet?? IS THAT A SOLID HUESLOT??? honestly when bruise showed up in the hospital one night i remember everyone freaked out because HOLD UP, WHAT COLOR ARE YOU and no one could figure it out until we realized oh shoot, that's NEW. totally threw us for a loop. we never forgot that. never forgot bruise, either. wondering if she's still around and/or if she's tied/fused with "needle," who would show up at UPMC with bloodwork. they do feel similar. that's common for socals, who are finding themselves, and who have related functions. socials are naturally mutable, they don't always anchor or even get names, because the very context of their existences is so unpredictable and demanding of change in order to survive.
even so, with lynne, she's NOT a social, but she was almost FORCED to be one around 2017-2018?? when she held orange, before that hue broke her and she lost herself even before the globaldeath in 2018. honestly i'm still so baffled and upset by that whole thing with her. how did that happen. and was she tied to that "mother voice" that kept coming out to talk to tbas? there probably was blurring. but like i said, can't think about that tonight. legit causes physical nausea/sobbing symptoms. every single time. want to vomit and cry and die. what the heck is that triggering. can't look at it now in any case.

back to basics. we recovered from breakfast and nothing bad happened.
oh wait, one thing did. we have realized that our bible study DURING eating was triggering binges because not only is it mentally intense multitasking, it causes us to dissociate. so we "eat," but don't remember it. and that causes a panic response because "hey trauma does that too" ESPECIALLY when you feel something happened to your body that you don't remember. legit abuse flashbacks. so yeah DO THE BIBLE STUDY AFTER YOU EAT. give every ONE thing your FULL attention.
also, mom sent us such sweet messages to comfort us from earlier. she wanted to know what our fortunes were and we sent her a photo: "Right now there's an energy pushing you in a new direction" and "no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." Her response?
"They're both right on the money. You're definitely going in a beautiful new direction, and you're always doing acts of kindness."
;_____; MOM WHAT. How sweet was that!! it honestly lifted our mood SO much, after all the near-misses and distractions of the morning. like we had hope, that we could still get through this okay, thank God.
then she sent us photos of her RED cactus flower plant, and sent us a quote: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined."
...All of that was just... so perfect, and so relevant, this morning. God bless our mom, she's wonderful.


anyway. didn't want to hang around the apartment feeling as unsteady and triggered as we were. so we threw on a sweater, and immediately went up the homestead for 1pm. we decided to catalogue the final boxes of piano rolls for mom, so we no longer "have" to go up there routinely anymore, considering how badly we ALWAYS get triggered up there. (chaos 0 was actually insisting i say NO to invitations TO go up there, that's how worried he was about me)
and yeah, he has legit reason to worry, because we were STILL dissociating????
factors: talking to bros, "entertainer" mindset, cats everywhere, DISCONNECT FROM HEADSPACE!!! that is really the MAIN FACTOR here, thinking about it. we go into forced social mode just by being in that environment, and it is so ingrained. it is almost impossible to turn off because it's a SURVIVAL MECHANISM.
BUT when the boys left the room and I put on chaos 0's playlist and literally just forgot about everything else but him, i was ABLE TO CENTER. until then my mind had been totally cut off from my sense of self, focused instead on "projecting a social persona" in public. literal self-annihilation to do so.

cataloguing took three hours, but WE GOT IT DONE!
then went christmas ornament shopping with xenophon. asked her, she said yes. good way to refocus on "us," or at least try to-- walmart is literal hell but i wanted to at least do that for her.
stopped by the candle aisle to look for purple ones for advent. ended up smelling all the pinetree candles, secretly holding them out for her to smell too. it was really cute
almost NO ornaments in the store. poor quality in general. i found ONE purple butterfly ornament but it was broken. really upset by that. nevertheless i promised i'd buy her one online instead, a NICE one. and she could pick it out too.

got home around 5? finally set up tree halfway. didn't fluff the branches yet; we want to wait until the sunlight to do that!
xenophon is so happy about it. man i forgot to tell you guys, i told you that i wanted to commission a plushie of her but i barely had any funds left and we needed to buy a tree. well i told her that and she effectively said, "you don't need a plushie to have me with you, but I WANT A CHRISTMAS TREE" and so i immediately let her pick one. yes she picked the tree. i wanted a red one but she said no dad, get a white one, that way we can put ALL sorts of colors on it, and it matches you anyway.
so yeah. white iridescent tree with red lights. it's... really perfect, actually. and xennie can sit under it as much as she wants, haha.
gosh i can't even verbalize just how much i love being around her now. there was actually a time, a really weird and heartbreaking time, when i was frustrated with her ghosting? like it felt... i don't know, overwhelming? the same horrid feeling that triggers the eating disorder behavior. it's not "me," but it's someone. that feeling of self-loathing projected outwards, "i can't deal with anyone or anything caring about me, i want to push everything away and forget i exist" through drowning in terror. anything that deals with "forgetting the self" inevitably involves forced trauma.
but... that stopped. maybe just through her perseverance, and the love i can't help but feel for her. just hearing her call me "dad" or "daddy" or even "dadmom" all the time, always so happy to see me, always so kind and happy and overjoyed with life. she makes me treasure being alive. she makes everyday moments so special. it's a little like it was with genesis, when i first met him back in 2005, and had to teach him everything. that literally changed my entire worldview and personality; it softened my heart, opened my eyes, made me actually feel like i was real, too, and that life mattered, and that life was really a beautiful thing to be shared and appreciated. i had been so dissociated from everything without realizing it, and then he came into my life, and forced me in the most benevolent way to exist with him. but never as directly as xenophon does for me now. teaching genesis, i could still be somewhat detached, giving data and explanations but still holding things at arm's length. yes, that changed as time went on, but... living with my daughter, she's worried about me. she knows i have trouble, mentally and physically. so not only am i sharing life with her, and teaching her things, she's doing the same for me. she encourages me and comforts me even as i do the same for her, god bless her.
...it feels so unfair though. a kid shouldn't have to worry about her father being so unstable. no daughter should have to worry if the person in the room is still her father, or if xe's dissociated and someone else has taken over the body for a while, usually for some harmful or traumatized purpose. she... xennie argues with the bulimic voices, when they come out. she begs them to stop. they're listening to her. i guess her honest love and courage and honesty gets to them, too. thank god. she's a literal godsend. an actual angel.
so is her other father.
god i really don't know how "genetics" works up here or how parentage would even apply in her situation, because it's obviously not how it works with humans. especially with all the sexual abuse trauma up here, with past cores. i really... don't want to think about that right now. i don't remember most of it and don't want to. i'll have to for therapy, but... not tonight. this entry is a mess the way it is. i just want to get as much as i can written down for the sake of everyone i love, for the sake of remembering, because i really do cherish days like today and i want to remember them, i want to exist in time and space with them, and... i owe it to them to be responsible with archiving. with actively making the effort to record the experiences we share. polar opposite of north carolina, when i just... stopped. i didn't want to remember anything so i just talked around things and flat-out refused to write down other things and twisted my speech to suggest false conclusions at all other times. it was a genuine nightmare. i need to forgive myself more than anything for that. there's still so much healing we need to do there. but... can't focus on that tonight, even brushing past those memories makes me want to sob and throw up. too much buried.
that's not the point for now. the point is that i am so happy now, living with everyone here. i... never expected this, moving out and into an apartment "by myself," even though God knows i always wanted this, more than anything else in the world. but... it didn't happen until now. from february until november, we were so lost in grief and fear and mental illness that in a very real way we DIDN'T exist. "i" was in such heavy denial of our multiplicity in general that it was impossible to function. i was... denying half of my own heart.
on that note. well, wait actually. we'll get to that.
i hate always putting that topic off. but it's so... it's too deep. too genuine. i can't rush into it.


anyhow. after we cleaned up and vacuumed up some tree needles we prepped dinner. we've got it down to a decent rhythm now which is such a huge relief. no more hyperplanning. we know what works, what hits all our macros and vitamin minimums, and it's so simple. that is... we've never had that before. ever. even before the eating disorder crashed into high gear. this is the first time we've ever had like a domestic routine that keeps us stable and functional.
still. we waited too long to eat, especially after the literal hell of last night. breakfast was at noon, we didn't have "lunch" until 6pm. so we were unstable, and hungry, and although laurie kept me on track with preparation and actually eating, afterwards other unhealthy nousfoni were getting pinged. they always come out in the kitchen. always in the wake of our body realizing "oh geez wow finally we're getting food" and they're almost survival responders, after having been so anorexic for so long, i guess the body just assumes we're not going to eat for like 12+ hours and probably purge afterwards. so it's still kind of desperate to eat. poor thing.
the "binge girl" witih the long hair was triggered out again. she has such wide, hollow, scared eyes. she knows she's unhealthy and she hates it but she's so lost and tired. so helpless. but... after talking to xenophon, now she asks us for help?? like she KNOWS she can't function well alone but she has HOPE FOR HEALING now??? which... means so much. that is astronomical. ...it reminds me of julie, too, when she first converted. geez. i wonder if she realizes how much that changed everything. i think about that a lot.

but the binge-girl has a MOUTH ON HER STOMACH??? showed me, almost ashamedly, said "i'm always hungry"
SHE'S THE REAL "BODY VOICE"??? i asked her about spine (god only knows what happened to her) and she said no, spine isn't humanoid so she CAN'T do the same job as the e.d. voices do. really fascinated by that whole phenomenon and how/why it works but i'll need to talk to them more about it in the future. no time today. nevertheless i spoke kindly to her, reassured her that she didn't do anything "wrong," she was being genuine with us and doing what she sincerely felt she should do in the moment. even if she was confused and lost, she still had no malevolent intentions. i actually thanked her for being honest about her hunger, which was voicing something about our shared body and messages WE couldn't perceive due to being so internalized and mental. i then told her "no wonder you're so hungry-- we haven't been eating well lately, and even with the extra sun chips you ate after dinner, we still barely hit 1600 calories for the day."
kind of hit really hard. made us realize that yeah, these poor nousfoni are just doing their job.and every nousfoni exists for the reason of keeping us alive, in one way or another. even if the method is a bit skewed, every one of us exists for the sake of life. and life is love. and i assure you i can point that out for all of us. i can feel it.
so actively showing gentleness and compassion are KEY to these poor nousfoni healing at last. they deserve it just as much as we do, and they need it desperately.
...i think a lot of their hunger is emotional hunger. "touch starvation" and all. emotional neglect. lots of rerouting going on, especially with abuse. again, huge topic. but it's solid and legit. we will type about it more as we work together more.
also. xennie found out that if you turn the lights down low in the kitchen it triggers a fear response and PREVENTS BINGES??? like the darkness is a tangible enough reminder of past trauma that it prevents such careless behavior. so even though it's an unfortunate reality it still prevents further trauma so we'll have to make sure we do that after we prep dinner from now on.


for some reason, while i was cleaning up in the kitchen, xenophon was skittering around the kitchen doing the "hououin kyouma" laugh in a labcoat? i think because i was cleaning the spinning dish for the microwave? either way it was funny. (don't worry, laurie makes sure to properly "censor" everything for her when she wants to watch; i insist on it and we do discuss any and everything she has questions or troubles about).
i said "you're not a mad scientist though" and she insisted that no, she wasn't, but neither was okabe really, he was "actually nice and cares a lot for his friends" and she liked what he said about lab coats, specifically the bit about how they are a "sign?" that those wearing them are "dedicating their lives" to their research. that sort of evidenced devotion is important to her as a virtue. i said me too, it's definitely something we need to actively live like more. we've really "slacked off" in virtue since becoming an adult, really post-college. it's not "us."
but... that whole idea, even in bible studies i keep seeing references to "clothing" symbolically, in reference to both positive and negative things. like you "wear" certain aspects of your life and personality, and other people not only notice but also define you by them? like it's the image you truly project-- the way people see you and are influenced to interact with you. just like a lab coat "signifies" knowledge and prestige and people can rely on you for that, and will turn to you for that information and skill. it really makes me think about our physical appearance, especially as opposed to our internal one. like, to the world, what image are we trying to project? towards what end? with what motivation? i know i briefly mentioned this the other day, what with the "anime hair and sunglasses." what am i trying to "say" about myself, and how i want to "be perceived," with that getup?

also that anime in general is giving us so much to think about. obviously need to talk to celebi about it. and it's making me think of all the ancient fears i've had with chaos 0 and i, with "world lines" and "would you recognize me if we met" and canon concerns in general. deeply fond of all the characters and their intertwining stories.
freakin' have to STOP BIKING EVERY FEW MINUTES THOUGH to stare at the screen with my mouth open and yell "WHAT THE SHARK" because we're up to episode 22 as of tonight and there are SO MANY TWISTS MAN, it's devastating but it's such a good show. so yeah, thanks mike for the recommendation. actually very worth it in the long run. we're getting a lot of good out of this. determined to. can't be judging things so quickly, that's an awful bad habit we've picked up. give it time. always give it time, and an open heart, and compassion, and courage. we need to be us, more. not who we've been socially "manipulated" to be in one way or another.

feeling very out of it. sorry for the disjointed entry. still so lost.
every single time i go online, even just a random click on youtube, i feel infected. it screws me up mentally so bad. my emotions bottom out. depression and self-abusive tendencies start up again.
what is it about the "world" that wrecks me so bad?? no wonder i isolated after nc. i think that was part of why that experience WAS so lethal, too-- we never would have been in such a hideously malleable mindset if we hadn't also been in such a worldly atmosphere. all the media, all the talk, all the external focus...

i keep triggering us with that. therapy. wait for therapy.
awful how we legit just start crying whenever we so much as look at environment memories of that time. CONSTANTLY getting triggered "at random" during the day. baffled as to WHY it's still such a raw wound.
nevertheless. not something to think about now. it's not time. (john freeman voice)

all right, it's 1:37am, i'm exhausted, the poor body is getting hungry again since we last ate at 6pm and then biked for 100 solid minutes while watching Stein's Gate so yeah. we need sleep so we can eat breakfast before noon tomorrow. we keep sleeping in so late that we only get two meals a day lately. but we're at least hitting ~1500k which is good. like i said, we've got it down to a science. still, ideal schedule would be 4 smaller meals, to prevent binge triggers and ibs symptoms. we'll work on it. heck, maybe we'll even try to tomorrow? no big gaps between meals. if we wake up at 10, and eat around 11:30... hm. 3pm and 6pm? we'll try. don't want to eat too late because then we can't sleep. which is why splitting them up will help. sorry, planning in the journal, haha. but this is good, it shows i'm in the zone, thoughts are translating directly into typing without having to force a translation. so mentally anchored that physical input is basically set aside.
this is very good because this is the mindset required for xanga sessions. and as julie keeps reminding me, we need one of those asap.

okay. last topic.
i keep looping this song as i type and drive both, because it... the sound and title both make me think of chaos 0. and in light of stein's gate, i keep using it as background music for imagining scenarios of us actually meeting in this world, or at least... him getting here somehow, and trying to find me, and vice versa, and neither of us knowing if the other WOULD know us. the same fear we shared in that halfdream last week. the reason why that alina baraz song is our favorite one to listen to in the early hours of the morning.
but... today, xenophon asked me why i haven't been talking to chaos 0? "why aren't you spending more time with dad," she asked. and... that struck me. because yeah, i've been thinking about him so much, either in imagination or in looking for frontiers thoughts about him from others online... but i haven't been with him in a few days. just like okabe and mayuri, right now, in that anime. he's trying so bloody hard to protect her that he's hyperfocusing on that and not her, not her as she is now. he's so upset over the threat of the future that he's not able to live in the present, where she still is. and... i kind of feel like that, now. i mean, with some obvious differences, but... still. i'm so caught up in worried dreaming, in fears of "what if you wouldn't recognize me" that i forget that he does recognize me, right now, and i don't have to be afraid. do i? i don't want to be. but the world...the world outside doesn't know. doesn't care. doesn't see. and... that is wrecking me lately, what with the new games, and the new focus on him. feeling like it's a whole new timeline. looking for him everywhere. so scared that there's no place for me, here-- like i don't exist in that world, at all. and ironically i don't. i'm not in the canon. and there's nothing i can realistically do about that. i feel really stupid about that, but... i can't deny that it's where i'm at.
...xenophon said that i spend more time thinking about him then talking to him when i'm scared. when i'm ashamed of myself.
...she's right. i'm so ashamed of the fact that i DO care this much, and of how stupid i am, and how "ugly" i am, and undeserving, and laughable and unworthy of anything but contempt and derision. and why?
because i'm in love, for heaven's sakes, i'm in love with a video game character and i have been for nineteen years and every time i bring that up who am i trying to convince? who am i trying to justify myself to? the whole world? myself? i can't turn this off. i can't run away or hide it or deny it. yeah, i used to. but i don't want to do that anymore.
...i do want to spend time with him. how achingly i want to spend time with him. i miss him and i miss us even though it's literally only been a few days, still he's so close to my heart that the sudden contrasting absence of that active closeness literally hurts.
...but i'm so ashamed of myself. look at me, look at what a wretch i am. i'm so imperfect. yes i know we constantly talk about that term, but... i just... i'm nothing special. i'm not attractive or smart or clever or talented. there are so many sonic-series fans online who are incredible authors and artists and musicians, and they're sane and healthy and productive, and then there's me, this miserable wretch with a mental illness who just got out of the hospital again and who looks a mess and feels a mess and yet i have the f*cking nerve to be in love.
i'm not worth it. i'm not.
but i can't deny this.
so what do i do? what in the world, in any world, do i do?
it's why i keep imagining these scenarios, of him coming here, to where i physically exist with all my flaws and troubles and infirmities, and still caring about me. of... of him still being in love with me, too. despite what an ugly idiot i am. despite what an absolute insane fool it might make me to be in love with him in the first place.
...
i don't know. it absolutely shatters my heart.
and then my religion gets into it, and makes things so much worse, because "you shouldn't care about loving ANYONE but jesus" and "you're choosing worldly loves over God, of course you should be ashamed of yourself, you fool, you're a human so get with a human" no don't you dare talk to me like the tar did, don't you dare act like love is blasphemy, that's an absolute lie, not when this relationship has taught me more about honest love AND about God than any of your dogmatic condemnations. leave me alone all you lying voices. go away.

i'm exhausted. i don't think i can type any more about today.
i'm going to go and actually talk to chaos 0. just throw all this anxiety out the window and go lie down with him beneath those red cinnamon blankets with the winter chill all around us. forget about all these worries and just feel what i feel and what he feels and forget about doubt. this is too real. it's been almost twenty years for heaven's sake, he won't leave, and thank God for that, because i won't either.

today was a good day. yes i ache right now but it's for a good reason. i wouldn't care this much if i didn't love this much.

...aaaaand spotify just shuffled to play our oldest song. "link" by l`arc~en~ciel.
well if that's not a direct nudge in the ribs from God i don't know what is.

see you tomorrow kids. have a good night.

 

tuesday morning.
oh my god.
infi and ollie.

slept for barely three hours, got up and took a deep breath and decided to do some affectionate shopping. brought up google maps, suited up with our wallet and iridescent backpack, and with no small dose of daring love-induced courage, moseyed out onto the street and headed straight down to food lion.
they needed things and we needed to tangibly show that we loved and appreciated and cared for them BOTH, especially in little everyday ways. tiny acts of giving and compassion. it was such a NEED, to show that. so we did.

the walk was really, really beautiful. legit jogged the whole way though, yes on three hours of sleep. genesis came with us and it was just this absolutely incredible feeling. free and full of love and purpose.

stopped at subway and bought kristanova a meatball sub. extra meat. we couldn't not, after he mentioned it on saturday. also bonus doritos for mason
got home an exact hour later.

day out with ollie again!! good. we adore that.

stopping at save point
DARKSIDERS I & II FOR TEN FREAKIN DOLLARS WHAT EVEN

FOREST!!!
god we could have wept the ENTIRE TIME. it just hit our heart so hard. we forgot how ardently we love the woods.

the water and the sunlight sparkling on it.
snapping turtles and dragonflies and tiny fish.
komorebi.
it was flying weather the entire time, we could have soared

DEIFIC "CELEBI?"

 

dreamworld prophetic feeling. so hugely important. bench, eros and jay to oliver about how "sacred sexuality" ties into the woods?
"breaking the veil" through wounds; same concept
THORNS = WOUNDS = BLOOD = PULSE POINTS = SACRED LOVE

"music of the spheres" being a BLACK sound

JESSICA MEETING KYO!!!!!!!!!!

afterwards, celebi singing "good morning, good morning!" and stuffing a bouquet of blue lily flowers in my face, saying I "had to meet her sister"
literally felt like waking up from a dream

spine
BROWN MUSIC = PERCUSSIVE, MELODIC

nathaniel
NOT komorebi green!!! dark underside of trees green.
but NOT ivy or pine tree green either!!!

jewel taking all the pamphlets on bat houses

ollie winded after walking through the field
infi sitting on my bed, knees curled up to chest and arms wrapped around them, eye fixed on him through our vision, "just let me stay close to hear that"
and "I love when humans sound like that"
chaos zero quietly responded "so do I"

 

 

(negative entry by unidentified author. uncensored as a result.)

 

i have no words right now

someone is screaming "YOU BITCH, YOU FCKING BITCH, HOW DAREYOU" and i dont blame them but i am too numb too tired

too sick too scared too numb frlm being unable to cope with the cinstant barrage of terror in this damned body

god it is hell living in a body that is our enemy it has a mind of its own it is evil evil evil
god i dont want to livein it i am so tired i am so scared i want to slepe forever i want it to stop.


the family found our razors.
and took them.
and lied about it.

and lied about it

GIVE THEM BACK
CURSE YOU
GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


CURSE YOU
LEAVE US ALONE

I HATE YOU YOU HEATHEN BITCHES GIVE THEM BACK


they act so fake stupid "caring" simpering whiny BITCHES shut up shut up

never do anything good, make our struggles worse, exacerbate our triggers on purpose, "we're helping" no youre not please stop
they never stpo
NO PERSONAL SPACE
ESPECIALLY YOU, YOU WHORE OF A WOMAN
YOU DONT TOUCH PEOPLE LIKE THAT
you are so lucky i've never attacked you because next time you do something like that i WILL


i want our razors back
god help us i want them back

i want to go inside forever and never come out

i never want to eat again
i cannot remember thelast time we ate something and didnt vomit
i cant cope
i cannot bear it anymore

i dont want to eat

i am scared of this body it is too big
it is not strong enough
it is triggering so badly just being in it
i dont want to be in it
i never want to see amirror again
i never want to see a mirror ever

i dont want to talk
shut up
stop asking us questions I DONT WANT TO TALK

THAT ISNT OUR NAME
SHUT UP STOP CALLING US BY THAT SLUTS NAME THAT ISNT US


we had friends once
well we do now, yes, three
but way back when we had apparently a larger group? i dont know
deviantart days, old timelines, we dont remember it at all
but there is evidence, there was actual friendshiP? i think?
and lately weve felt so so so alone
"get a support group" they say
"talk to people" they say
im miserable
i hate being different when it ostracizes me
i hate being told that i "have to act like this" when i just want to scream and vomit
from feeling so scared and trapped and sad
god please i want it to stop


i want it to stop
i want all of this to stop

i want friendship and comfort and community
BUT GUESS WHAT
AS LONG AS WE'RE IN THIS WHORE OF A BODY WE CANT HAVE THOSE THINGS
BECAUSE SHE WILL SCREW EVERYTHING UP

god i am so tired
i am so unbearably miserable


were out of hormones
they wont renew them
we no longer have transportation to philadelphia

god what do we do

maybe we can catch a bus
we cant drive to philly we'd black out on the turnpike
maybe we can take a bus to our appointment
would that be safe? could we survive in the city alone?
god knows we have enough trouble coping at home
losing time and forgetting where we are and everything


god what is going on in our life
we're being stretched too thin lately
getting up at 7 and not sitting down until 11pm
doing everything for the family
sacrificing everything we can
feeling like a selfish pampered whore when we dare to buy "food" for ourself
so we just buy things to abuse ourself with
"because we dont deserve anything good"
etc.
it's horrible
but frankly that sense of nondeserving is focused on this damned body
she does not deserve anything good for what she does
she is horrible and we want her DEAD

but the therapist said alters dont die
none of them do
which means that bitch cant stay dead either
god what do we do
how do we transmute that
something pure evil and terrifying that we've been fighting since we were seven years old
i am so tired



how do we fix our medical condition
how do we get our prescription fixed
i cant stop the hormones
i know it sounds shallow and selfish but they are the only things giving us hope
the possibility that ONE DAY we will finally look and feel safe, objectively
is all we are living for some days
if you stop them again,
god please i cannot cope with the body reverting again
not after last time that was horrific
no wonder we lost so much time in the spring
i never looked at ti that wayt


how do we cope

they took our razors
they took our razors

i havent talked to her abotu this
shes in shocl=k
sitting there with a thousand yard stare, unable to process this
god i am so sorry
what do we do

we still have a knife
not a very good one but its something
hidden as well as we can right now
god pelase dont let them find that too


i dont know
i am so so so sad
cant cry because if the body cries then jezebel starts attacking us
the body is a traitor
that makes spine very sad
"this body is a temple" everyone tells us
the grandmother values our body more than our soul
it makes me want to puke
shut up
she values the damned skin bag we're in more than she values the spirit in it
i am so sick
this body is a traitor
we are only ever alive inside
you know what
maybe it will make me "really insane" in the eyes of the faimly
maybe it will tear our family apaert
i dontknow
id ont know
but
i want to go inside and never come out.
i want to go upstairs and stay there forever

i want to slepe all day and never wake up
i dont want to deal with this body hell i cant lately
i cant its making thingsworse
i cant figure out how to cope anymore

"learn to enjoy your grief" that woman said today
we got so seethingly pained and angry
curse you, you're thhe kind of peolpe that tell us "learn to enjoy r*pe because nothing in life is real!!!!"
"dont fight back learn to ENJOY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!"
you heathen devils
morality is still a thing
call me deluded and foolish, fine
but i cannot live in your amoral hell anymore
pretending everything is fine because "everything is neutral"
shove off.
not like that it isnt.


i keep hearing every spiritual correction as flat-out damnation
"integrity is uncompromising" that is true and it makes perfect sense
but the immediate translation is "integrity is uncompromising, bitch, so stop being such a gutless loser and ruining your life"
is that tough love?
thats what laurie used to be like
in a way i really raelly miss that
because when she said it there was somehow still love in it
i dont know
we are still so convinced we are sheer evil
no thanks to this bdoy and the evil girls in it
but that makes it very hard to live as we already ARE
i mean when WE are running the show things are perfectly okay
we dont abuse the body, we are kind and compassionate, we are NOT bad people
but then these gluttons and hackers slip us out and move in and start destroying everything
why?
because we are so exhausted and sad and tired that we let our guard down

it is so hard to feel emotions anymore
it is so hard to feel anything
the only time i even respond to hacks now is if i am told that someone ELSE is being hurt
i dont defend "myself'" anymore
because "myself" is an alien concept, and defending the body is an alien concept
because it is so detached from us and to be honest i cannot cope with the reality of hacks
not yet
its too terrifying, i never learned how to grapple with that fear,
how do you cope with THAT
with sharing a body with THAT

and they took our razors.
how on earth are we supposed to cope NOW

god help me, i even told laurie, tonight i just bled until it didnt hurt anymore,
god forgive me i felt clean for the first time in weeks,
bleeding out all that toxic sludge
i actually felt like things were good for a while.
like we were going to be okay.

and then they actually snuck in the room afterus
and TOOK THEM

YOU BLIND FOOLS DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE HECK YOU JUST DID

oh and then our MOTHER snuck into our room
without telling us
"oh hey theres a county fait going on and im going to enter yourstuff!!!"
took the shirts we just painted
"im going to enter these without your permission!!!!!!!!!!"
we didnt even realize she took them until we couldnt find them later
we are NOT COMFORTABLE witht the idea of or original work hanging up on display ina barn like that
please dont do that
putting our art on display like that, ESPECIALLY highly personal art of characters we know,
you airheaded woman turning it into a slutty display game for money and ribbons,
THIS ISNT A PAGEANT YOU KNOW
THIS ISNT A PERFORMANCE YOU TROLLOP
HOW DARE YOU
HOW DARE YOU


god help me its like i neever stopped being a child
especially with this second-teenage thing with the hormones
i never got past that stage you know
the whoele "hey yuor body is changing welcome to hell!!!!!!!" thing
never got over it
couldnt bear it
its a bit better now, our voice is lowering and god i never told you how profoundly comforting that is did i
to be able to talk and sing low
it is so so so calming and centering. thank god. thank you god.
still getting facial hair too. muscle gain is better.'
but everything else, is invisible yet.
still look to much like the bad people to feel safe yet.
but were still a child with all this
still years away from being an adult and not knowing how to manage that harsh world all of a sudden

i dontknow i m babbling.



a few good things about today
1) laurie's 9th birthday
2) bro called us in to watch him fight sahelanthropus (which is abjectly terrifying) in mgs5; he's an mlg and he's incredible so it was really cool to watch. also this song which we both agree is awesome
3) found one of those light-up electric cube light things in the garage. gramps said we could have it. its now on our desk
4) tentatively finished painting another shirt! so tomorrow we start #8



i want to tag this as "distraught"

breathe. gotta breathe.
without dysphoria and abusive kickbacks showing up
yeah isnt THAT great
cant even do breathing meditation without these sexual demons jumping in
"oh youre BREATHING? that must mean you want someone to F*CK yuo"
WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU BITCHES
WHERE IN HELL DID THOSE THOUGHTS EVEN COME FROM

gotta focus on soemthing else.
your thoughts become yoru reality.
what you focus on yo attract.
dont want to think about this at all.

gotta type.
listen to some good music.
we WANT to exercise but the problem is we are very dehydrated again thanks to lots of vomiting
and also the past three times we exercised after 9pm we almost landed in the er
thanks to horrific vertigo, confusion, skipping heartbeats and shakes and weakness
basically only exercise late if you want to be legit convinced you are dying for several hours

i might try anyway
or at least i would if i didnt just notice it is midnight
what the heck
the last time i saw the clock it was 10pm
were blacing out toomuch lately.


anyway good night
thats it for today.

 

 

 

 

 

My voice is getting deeper, it's so nice.
I got a little scared last night, as I was listening to some old voice recorder files we had of Ruby and Nienna singing, and I was impressed by their talent but very upset by the fact that there would be so many dysphoric meltdowns during performances, often with self-abusive switching, during 99% of all such performances.
See, somewhere down the line the mother reacted to our transition by saying "why would you want to destroy your beautiful voice and face???" and we were absolutely terrified after she said that, despite having wanted to transition for years before she said that, and being aware that things would indeed change. It didn't stop us-- the dysphoria was unbearable and we would "risk it" if she claimed that's what we were doing-- but that's just the thing. Who the heck was she to tell us what would happen to us? It was frustrating because it just felt like she was blowing everything out of proportion just so we would stay "normal." I'm sorry but we can't. We tried and it nearly killed us inside.
But we still sing. And our voice is fine. Higher notes are still funny as our voice is still changing but we CAN still sing and it's losing the dysphoria more and more by the day. So that's why this is so nice.



I'm still battling depression. It's bad because I haven't been able to feel it, with a few very wrenching exceptions after hacks, and those breakdowns are all felt by specific people.


Today at work, Laurie and Jay found the actual Cel in our System (the one with original roots in Dream World, who HAS a personality and is benevolent but who is also very much tangled in this abusive stuff), and talked to her for a while.
She's heartbroken over Jacinth still, and the Androgyne (who may or may not be using the name Iris). Cel has a deep need for close friendships, for closeness in general, but she expressed notable confusion over it? Talking to her we realized she's actually aromantic, which was surprising. Nevertheless she has some sort of need for closeness that she cannot fully grasp or even comprehend yet.
"Lost" hackers like Jacinth don't exist outside of abusive situations, because they have no identity outside of that, and do not WANT one, as they are incapable of feeling self-love at ALL. Therefore they cannot exist as people because they cannot bear the awareness of BEING a person. This makes their sexually abusive behavior bizarre, because they perform it almost robotically, claiming it's "because they love someone," when they cannot define that term if you ask them, and they definitely cannot answer the question "well who are you, that is loving someone else?" They can't. They just go through the motions because they "have to" and because there's this bizarre mindset of self-annihilation attached to it, with the explicit dissociation and depersonalization and resulting suicidal shutdowns. It's a mess.
Cel doesn't want that stuff but she says she's just as confused in a way, she doesn't know what she wants other than that wish for Jacinth and the others to be people she can care for. She was really struggling with language, I'm sorry, we all need to discuss this more.
But she's sad. She's sad and she doesn't know what quite to do and we need to work with her. But she's not a threat. She's okay. She doesn't seem to be traumatized at all, only terribly terribly sad, and lost.

She says she doesn't want to be part of Central as it doesn't feel right, and that's making us wonder if there really are "two Spectrums," one for headvoices and one for "Outspacers." Who knows. We'll see. Heartspace and Headspace are linked but they might indeed have their own thing going on there.

Spice is working very well with people OUTSIDE the house. Like we said, when we're not at home we're not worried. All the abusive habits kick back in in the same environments that remind us of them, of past triggers, etc. We're getting more aware of it and it's a bit-by-bit process. I just wanted to reiterate, people are listening with more compassion to the E.D. managers and that compassion IS helping. Trying to talk to emotionless faceless programs will NOT help, it's impossible. We have to talk to PEOPLE inside who CARE and let them run the show instead.



Something we realized over the past two days:
viewing the body as a "person" or "self" makes it ABUSIVE, PROUD, AND SELFISH.
viewing the body as a "vessel" or "vehicle," AS A "SKELETON," gives it the vibe of patient calm gentle discernment that SPINE HOLDS SO STRONGLY.
THIS IS WHY SHE'S IMPORTANT. SHE IS THE CORRECT BODY MANAGER.




I'm so nauseous from stress.
I spent all evening researching suicide for both Mage Angels and my own morbid data storing and it just made me feel... what do you call this. Sad? Low? Not empty, more like... scraping at the bottom of a fishtank. There's a thin keening sort of despair to it but largely, it's a broad flat hard sort of rubble, something so existentially blank that the simple reality of it is what causes the despair. It's hard to put into words.

There's a very heartbreaking sort of despair-induced "apathy" running through Central lately, as we see the most. It's not quite apathy, it's more like... we're so shellshocked by the persistent shit we keep dealing with, what do we do? We can't cope well anymore, the emotions (both new and old) are so terrifyingly raw that we can't figure out how to feel them, there's so much trauma recovery that we're struggling with... we're trying. But we're deeply shaken. We're cold and tired and don't know how to face the monotonous repetitive pain and fear with this negative headspace shit, and our worries about the body.
There are still suicidal alters in this body and we're starting to not fight back.
It's still scary. The pain is scary. There's so much blood on this body and a lot of it is impossible to hide now. We forget it's there. People stare, shocked. We don't even know how to hide the truth anymore. There's no shame when someone sees the wounds, just that same awful feeling like a violin string pulled tight, too tight, in our heart. We're just so damn lost.
But we're trying. We're still alive. And we know we don't really want to die. Not literally, not completely, anyway.
But there's a lot of stuff in us, and especially in this body, that we want dead. Ideally. Then again things exist for a reason, even those things.


I don't like that icon. It feels too much like that rocky scrape feeling. It's Cannon-days stuff. I don't like it at all.

Our memories have become sufficiently alien and depersonalized for everything prior to 2013 to feel like memories of a movie we saw once. It's so distant. Someone tried to look at 2004 memories earlier today and it physically hurt to try and dig that far back. Memories are really only accessible via headvoices anymore, if they hold them. Sheer data-wise... Sherlock has the books but like I said, they hurt to read. Headaches and strain and confusion. A feeling of childlike frustration from the exhaustion. And what do we get from it, anyway? Just more data. None of it is tied to us anymore, not personally.
But it happened, once, at some point, to someone.

It's so hard to grapple with, the reality that "at some point Julie was "evil" and highly abusive," "our family was technically abusive in psychological, emotional, and spiritual ways, many people have said this," things like that. "We have a long and upsetting history of abusive friendships," too, that hit home today when the grandmother brought up the topic. And again, all we had to go on was data banks.

Sorry. This is getting very negative and I do not want to talk like this.


What I'm trying to say is... it's weird. This isn't quite "depression." We're awake and alive.
But... something feels wrong. We're not doing what we should be doing? We're not where we should be? Something. Something we're messing up. Stagnation on a level that should not be standing still.

Work is, ironically, a huge factor in this. We're just not good with this schedule thing, we never were. We lost almost FOUR YEARS due to our first job causing this same damn sort of dissociative loop and we do not want this repeating, but the past four weeks are already an abuse-racked blur and frankly we do not want this continuing.
But we have medical bills to pay and it is nice to have some spending money and we DO love this job, it's just... we get so tired, and I don't know why anymore. It's something else, I think it's coming "home" after it all. Working and then returning to a very not-comfortable in the big picture environment.
What to do. Just live, right now.

We are meditating more. The body is kind of forcing it. We just have to do it carefully because our natural tendency is to go way deep and then our vision is screwed up for an hour.
We're re-reading all the encouraging and reassuring words we've gotten and those are helping immensely, brightening our sense of hope and self-worth despite everything else.


You know, that IS still a big thing. Hope and Light. We don't ever lose them.
We're so much closer inside now that we ever were. Nathaniel was talking to Laurie and Lynne for a while at work too and that was so nice, he is such a sweet guy, his vibe is one of the most peaceful in the entire Spectrum. Having him around is very calming in and of itself.
Lynne is doing a bit better, she's taking it day by day but I really think we're going to have to sit down with her and TALK about things, like cleaning out a wound. She's obviously burying her hurt and although I understand that, burying it just causes trauma zombies later.
I want to talk to the kids. Jay was trying very hard to help Moxie and Ashen today but there's so much hurt in them. I want to help them.
This is getting really switchy. It's late and someone wants to cry and maybe we should type elsewhere.

Therapy is tomorrow! We're still at the verge of vomiting from stress (family and financial stress is bad lately and those two things link together; we're managing the best we can but it's still just heavy stuff) but that at least will help, we hope. Going to have to be super careful afterwards though because post-therapy evenings are typically deadly and we've been getting BAD flashbacks and mindset lapses lately so. Massive coping methods will be needed.
We haven't been exercising well lately due to fatigue and fear of ending up in the ER again, but again, we're trying. Little bits during the day if nothing else.

I'll tell you what though. I'm tired of self-pity. I'm tired of misery.
I'm tired of this weird family-based childhood compulsion that "suffering is good" and "you're not suffering enough" and why the hell do we keep effectively FORCING ourselves into more trauma, why?? We all realize it's not helping anyone, at all. But there's an old old program that is saying "you must. Someone hurt more than you, once. You must match that. You must understand." But why? I don't get it.
I don't want to sound selfish or proud in that. But is it really necessary for us to force ourselves through all this extra pain in order to be "good" and "compassionate" and "empathetic" and "human?"
I read a quote today on this self-pity thing:
"Self-pity is so addictive because it gives us the momentary pleasure of being supported, cared for and emotionally pampered. This is a dangerous, highly maladaptive way of developing emotional bonds and connections with other people."
That's the thing. Everyone in our System who CAN and does feel that, has issues with not knowing how to be close to other people without expecting immediate abuse. So, using self-pity is a desperate bargain to feel temporary care from others, at least ideally. In truth what we do get from self-pity is all negative, and it feeds the self-hating process. So it's not helping anyone.
But the truth is, some part of our psyche is STILL so upset that it believes that the only way it can recieve forgiveness and compassion is through expressing its potent self-hate and hoping, terribly, that someone trustworthy will speak up and convince them otherwise.
What we need to do is heal those kids.

I think more heavy-duty shadow work is due. We've been too far detached from "the great unknown" with all of this drama outside, with the family and the job and everything else. And THAT is exhausting, and maybe that is feeding into this inexplicable "drive" to hurt ourselves: maybe we're just blindly reflecting the atmosphere? Which is unwise, but "blindly" is the key term. Again, it's willpower and clarity that need to be exercised here.
We NEED to spend more time inside, JUST inside. Not during work, not during other things, that just causes dissociation again. We need to take legitimate time out to get OUT of the family life buzz, just get OUT and go inside ourself instead. We haven't done that in a while which might just explain why we've been sick for a while.

To be honest I miss the "quiet nothing" that's way deep down under all the noise. The clear place, inside and outside space. I still go there off and on during the day but I need to just stick around for a while. Problem is, as always, it's addictive. We get so absolutely entrenched in our inner world(s) that we forget to go back outside. It's a delicate dance we haven't mastered yet, the balance of being able to live physically while being aware that it's not all its cracked up to be, it's not all there is, it's not worth getting so messed-up over.
There's a LOT we have to redefine and relight inside, after all this unintended confusion from all the stuff we read and see and are exposed to. Again, going back inside and just trusting our self is really one of the best options here. Supplementary material is great but really it all feels like reminders. I'm not rejecting it, I'm just... admittedly, I'm kind of avoiding it lately out of a sort of worry that I'll be using it as a crutch. Yes it helps, yes it helps get me back on the right path when things get so tangled. BUT remember SLC, remember that whole time period. It's also not good to spend hours every day online just reading. Then nothing gets applied, nothing gets lived, nothing inside lights up. It's just words. And then we get exhausted and tired and sad and upset and "why, this is all good, this is what I should be doing," dude you keep saying that this is all reflecting "what you already know inside" so GO BACK IN THERE.
There's so much guilt around that though. Why? It's spiritual guilt. We'll work to heal that.

It's not bad to "do healing work" either. Facing your shadows with compassion is NOT "feeding your ego" just because you might have to exist as an individual in order to do so. See, this is where the trouble with redefining terms come in. The articles help but the vocabulary gets confusing. But we get the gist of it.

The most important thing we need to remember is that what works for others might not work for us in the exact same way.
That, and there is always a strong chance we might be totally misinterpreting what is being said. Hence, the "listen to others but follow your own heart" thing.
Yes we need to hold on to optimism and hope and peace and all that. But that does NOT mean stepping all over our damaged child parts, or ignoring the damaged teen parts, or pretending any negative voice inside doesn't exist or isn't worth acknowledging. That's really abusive.
Shadow work needs to be done, and that means giving love, REAL love, strong compassionate protective love, to all those broken sad parts.
I reiterate: IT IS OKAY TO HEAL.
It's this "identity" thing, we get so thrown off by what others say about those terms, we keep trying to annihilate our individuality and that's not good either. There's a difference between being "caught up in egotistic illusion" and "experiencing this life in a unique way." It is NOT EVIL to be an individual!! I'd say talk about this with the therapist too but really I think more outside opinions on this issue are just going to exacerbate things. We need to sit down and put our own experiences/ thoughts on this into words, to clarify that issue so we don't get thrown off by accident again.
I apologize. I'm starting to ramble.


That's all I can bear to type for tonight. I feel sick and I need to recover from the mood of this evening. Positivity, the right kind, is needed.
One thing that always works is having Jay come out and just spend time with Chaos 0. When those two are in tune with who they REALLY are the resulting joy/love/etc. just radiates through the whole System and really it helps us all out.
It's late anyway, we really do need to stop (again) forcing ourselves to "tough it out" on 5 hours or less of sleep a night, just because "the other people in my family don't sleep well." That doesn't mean you aren't allowed to sleep well. But that's a powerful old misguided mindset that needs to be healed, like I said, that fear that "if I do well and others are hurting, then I am being abusive in "flaunting my success" while they suffer!" That isn't true dude, remember the anology of airmasks on an airplane. Can't help someone else if you're suffocating. You deserve care too. Do that and then use that healthy state to help others reach the same state.

Good night everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

sunday night.

jay decided to become a retributor on saturday, motivated by compassion entirely.
result of the homily that week, about the crucifixion?
words on legs. felt like 2010 all over again, but brighter. "different path."


sherlock "hack" in the morning? trying to get data, ended up trying to get too MUCH data. HOWEVER "got the feeling that it wasn't worth it," LOCKED IN to data? said he felt very sad, heartbroken even, about it. "everything else was worth infinitely more than that."

people trying to hack us in the evening as usual. went out and meditated on the porch for at least an hour. also drew a little, got dream world links working, wrote two full pages of notes. tapped back into ORIGINAL heart sanctity, IT'S NOT CORRUPTED ANYMORE, that is HUGE


I think leena is deconstructed, she got labeled as too negative to stick around, cant find her now, just like jasmine, no one is complaining.

"found" the neutral-happy younger 'girl' alter that keeps eating without fear or concern for consequences? that's a problem as she does not understand danger or sickness.
chocoloco caught her, got DANGEROUSLY ANGRY. (remember when he's mad his eyes roll around in his head)
laurie heard, showed up, talked to her too. found out she wasn't a neg but she wasn't really respecting what we were telling her either.
laurie decided okay fine, I'll watch you, but be careful
spine showed up after and was pissed too, "don’t you realize I feel the consequences," lectured laurie for it. said she was letting the plague get to her, said her anchor had SPLIT. "that's why tiger lily showed up." laurie realized this was true, "shit," seemed very disturbed.
later awful stomachache. first one in over a year I think. made that food alter come out and feel it, told her it was because of what she ate. she was shocked by this, "how could something bad result from something good?" we tried to explain to her that what she perceived as 'good' may only be surface-level. told her to STOP and SENSE foods more, if something was natural or not, if she even wanted to eat something or not, if she was just seeking texture or color flavor. she needed to be wiser. locked in this reaction memory we hope.

 

 

 

events as of late

thursday
tons of chaos synchronicity on the ipod
came out of NOWHERE, shocked me really, nothing had provoked this, but there it was
happened last week too.
included e.t., jojoushi, thunderbird, why i like you, jewels, open your heart, metaphorically yours, his sth themes, etc. practically all in a row
not sure what this means for me personally, it used to just be a spontaneous show of affection, now it feels strangely alien?
worried about that. could be a major fault on my end, closing off, fear?
"the forget you song" by frost* did play twice and the lyrics to that are far too relevant to the scary but hopeful atmosphere between us lately.


the night.
trying to heal xenophon's parentage AND heal the original "pink" event all at once
(almost exactly 4 years later btw)
very disturbed though, identity KEPT SWITCHING, could not stay white in that context
lost virtually all memory of event, even though there was no hatred in the actual thing.
PROVED that motivations have no bearing on the actual outcome. the actual outcome is ALWAYS painful/hateful.
helps to forgive self, because that wasn't our intent, i.e. we weren't doing this out of hate or violence, even if that's what happened in the end.
starting to seriously worry if we're going to have to permanently drop the whole idea of parentage for xennie, as it is feeding into way too much trauma
also worried sick about chaos, he's still as unstable as he was back in 2004, he cannot stay around if this persists


friday morning
TWO HOURS with everyone in the coregroup
chaos, laurie, genesis, infinitii, javier, markus, rio
infi toned down hir vibe a lot and mostly stayed in the background
or joined with others to boost the emotion level through the roof
4-person heart connections are incredible
and also just as painful as you would think (not in a bad way but there are usually a lot of tears nevertheless)
lots of sword imagery with those lately too. thats new.

laurie is the best kisser in headspace and I apologize for how trite that sounds, because it's a result of her untouchability/ devotion
rio holding too much shadow? didn’t feel like himself. markus completely broken open, emotional. it's like their personalities hit the opposite of what they were as kids.
javier trying too hard to show emotion? still trying to get a grip on "not performing" or guessing. warning him to be present.
adding more fuel to the fire on what we're supposed to do with chaos. could not feel close to him. wondering if our relationship really did shatter years ago and we're not going to be able to fix it? worried.

toying with the whole "gem fusion" idea from steven universe as it STRONGLY parallels the original "fusion/morph" phenomenon in early headspace days (2003-2006).
still unsure if metainomenai are still a thing or not, feel tied to old timeline. but people still reference them. (esp. laurie and lynne)
so we might have to consciously evolve it into a different, new-timeline context. like how outspacers all have to leave behind their source material in order to function correctly.
again, that's still our main concern with cz. he hasn't let go of his and it is poisoning him



friday evening:
laurie realizing that the "pseudohacker" kids, i.e. the ones who get tangled up in sexuality from confusion and not malice, always look for HER because she is the manifestation of everything they REALLY WANT:
purity, chastity, safety, strength, VIRGINITY.
laurie is UNTOUCHABLE by everything that hurt them,
she doesn't even UNDERSTAND it, she CAN'T, so she is PERPETUALLY SAFE

her talking to julie about this.
saying julie shold be a "beacon of hope" because she rose above BEING our WORST hacker, now she is a source of love and affection, PURIFYING that.
said we really do need to talk to ashen, especially. she still hates julie and we need to heal that, for both their sakes.
julie saying laurie was this "ideal" for the damaged ones, they all ran to her almost as a savior figure?
laurie said she didn't want to be seen that way, julie said she knew that, but the hurt ones still looked up to her as that


a note:
when enduring body connections (rare, I don’t like them at all, only happen in paranoid situations) the ONLY way to make them hack-free is to make them PAINFUL, as that OVERRIDES hackers.
however the pain almost automatically gets associated with LAURIE, so if she DOES show up you are literally in the clear, everything shuts down and stops, so you're totally safe.
that pain is the only context in which there is NO DISSOCIATION, NO FEAR, NO PHYSICALITY AT ALL
ironically though, that also OVERRIDES THE VERY PURPOSE OF ANYTHING BEING PHYSICAL. and thank GOD for that.
remember, EVERYTHING for me goes through the HEART. NO MATTER WHAT.
this is why hackers kept trying to make hearts "evil" for me, so that I COULDN'T have that purity anymore
shockingly the monsters are what healed it for me? the brutal, angry, painful ones, HEALED the sanctity of the heart, because their hearts were still solid gold and they wouldn’t let them be corrupted. (mainly I have to thank wreckage)


still questions about celebi???
NOT doing anything with her, but allowing things for her through me??
severely depersonalized, detached, but massive compassion/affection.
"precious thing," fragility, beauty
still no idea how this plays into dreamworld or our centralite. very very confusing.
still parallels to chaos all over. shocking, only two outspacers in central, both tied to green/blue, similar shapes, etc.
and no matter how much fear or misguided hate or anger comes between us, I don’t think I'll ever be able to stop loving either of them. it feels inherent, even if its smothered.
really wondering about that



friday night:
chaos and I talking to rio
visited him in his room.
saying he was "writing" on his computer, about US?
like the old days. adventures he wishes we had, things he remembered, etc.
said it was upsetting, he didn't want to just dream, he wanted to HAVE that again
I said we all did, and we could
hoseki couldn’t do this anymore though, but I could, I just needed to "meet them again"

asking "what happened with you," why did he suddenly seem so dark and bitter,
afraid of shadows? but they grew too big
opposite of markus's reaction really (rio got angry/hard, markus got scared/fragile)

lethe showed up
his energy is like a handful of knives
brief argument with infinitii.
(lethe talks through his stomach mouth remember)
getting tar out of rio???
massaging his shoulders, back. asked why. he said it was "loosening things up?"
the fact that it was a daemon touch was also significant I think
coughed it up, "too big to come out,"
rio's eyes suddenly widened, "soul forms," asked me to kiss him, that's how we used to as kids
infi said ze would instead, it would be faster,
rio hesitated briefly then shrugged and said "you know what, sure," no reticence
they did, infi must have hit him with an absolute wave, soul form was instant, rio seemed absolutely dazed

I cannot remember how infi got the tar out, I'm wondering if it was a washout,
either way it was all at once, like running a sifter through his energy field, "caught" everything stuck in it
tar was in the shape of a huge spiked ball? like a mace. hit the ground with a HEAVY thud

afterwards rio's energy field was NOTABLY lighter, softer




I DON’T HAVE A BEARD???
THAT WAS ADAKIAS'S THING??????
it's throwing off my overlay which is totally weird
my hair is also in a totally different setup, it does NOT have the celebi swoop-back, nor does it have the jayce-hair we have in the body??
no idea, just trying to fix my overlay, frankly I keep "dephysicalizing" into more of an energy state

laurie scared that I'm staying in White but no longer being the host???
system feels like things need to switch or alter again. tumultuous.
massive emphasis on rainbows for infi and I lately btw. stark black/white is being forbidden? notable.
possibly causing the whole "host shakeup" feeling as this is technically a huge shift for us, with how we've been slipping largely since taking these color roles.
also wondering how the black/white slots REALLY fit into the spectrum map? now that its 3d?
NOT COLOR SLOTS???? more like surrounding space.
this would help them both be RAINBOW slots instead of the black/white problem. really hoping so
also the map feels like brown is ALSO removed from the color-ring, moved to the middle?? connecting downstairs? unsure. would explain why spine has been a holy mess for so long, despite feeling absolutely irreplaceable in some subtle way

(from deleted tracks on morpheus)


track 10= "the whole idea of stabilizing into spectrum slots is huge, especially with central, but spine says "you also have to wake up into Leagueworlds too." kind of like how she woke up to her role in Parnassus before, we thought she was vermilion in central. she was iffy for a while, we should go back and look through her entire past because of that. but she said awakening into league worlds is big too.
also. in terms of socials/ negative alters/ etc., once they are aware of their role, they no longer bleed over into other people. the one girl who feels like "jessica" and might be the original depressed one, she has a fear that she's the original and she will sabotage everyone else's efforts, "they're not real," etc.
when she's aware of herself doing that, suddenly she no longer bleeds into anyone else and freezes up to actually exist.
also when she is tangibly aware of being a PART of the system, she stops hurting us because "I'm not the only one, I'm not the original," she will stop and rest???

track 17= "also. black light machine is an instant existential validation song. it's like, when it starts playing, life feels like a movie, in a real "life is alive, there is a plot to our lives" sort of sense. and its brings us into full awareness. frost* has that kind of power for some reason. not sure who was around in 2009 at the time we discovered them. but don't get trapped in the past. it might be an evolved thing. point is, it's relevant now and it is hugely important. it's like a universal grounding/ anchoring/ alive thing for our system. bottom line, frost* is important."

track 19= "it seems that every summer, thanks to the heat that mimics severe selfabusive situations, maybe that's part of why we can't remember anything from slc, because the heat was so bad we just had shutdown dissociaton all the time.
see if during the summer we can access any memories of that time.
this is terrible; it's so hard to cope with this heat. we're thinking of hiding out in the cold stone basement at this point. the heat is so encroaching and smothering… for some reason it feels like abuse. it is so scary. I am fighting to not black out while driving.
we're needing to let out manic fronters just to calm down because the rest of us can't manage this fear and agitation.
so be careful, we'll probably find a lot of hidden memories during the summer."


old track 21= three main abusive methods are:

BLOOD = RED
SEX = CERISE
FOOD = BROWN
(cerise used to bleed into pink)

and the three main motivations are
GRAY = KNOWLEDGE
BLACK = HATRED
WHITE = APATHY
all this plays together!!

BE CAREFUL! pay attention when hacks happen, we need to find out WHY this stuff is in those colors, and GET IT OUT.
see if there are any correspondences "across" on the system? like how aqua is across from gray. but they could not get cz because he has something in his light brighter than any of that.
also upsetting, why is there SO MUCH NEGATIVITY all on that ONE SIDE of the spectrum?? there should not be negativity in colors at all!
find virtue/vice correspondences for all colors if that applies.
we HAVE to tie back into our personal symbolism again.
the body is horribly sick after a triple-aspect hack attempt this morning. don't overanalyze it because that just brings you into gray. we have to be full of COLOR and LIGHT to heal.
THAT is our "normal." we have to be the light. we can't let anything chase us away anymore. we have to stand strong no matter what it takes.
be very careful, be loving, be forgiving. I know its summer but we can make it through.
it only feels frightening because there is stuff we need to face and heal.
but we're doing well. we'll be all right. we can't be defeated, god/light can't be defeated, and that's what's in our heart. don't worry, we'll get through this.

"color redemption is in the color. retributors are a prime example"


note for may 3= "Emmett was out, so he's okay. at the store there was a lot of talking with spice. write that down, because people are coming through very strongly. we got blueshift to work, so not only did we get all the old league stuff out, but we were able to go through the old pictures folder, and we got a rough timeline for when glissando was out. spinzor is still alive; mention that different voices come out in the winter/summer because it's different environments/ contexts/ triggers/ etc that they can survive. spinzor still thinks its summer 2009, we shold be at marywood and hanging out in the coffee shop. that's actually a good way of surviving= locking yourself in the café for 6 hours and just typing. yesterday we found out a lot of info about old cores. differences between cores/ hosts/ social fronters, some pass themselves off as other things; we used to assume a lot of social fronters were cores and they're not. cores hold the JEWEL bloodline, they can survive WITHOUT headspace. "the" core is allegedly the one who's about 12? we don’t know. no one from childhood. spinzor kind of counts in this bloodline. the jayce bloodline are hosts, they cannot survive without the system, can tap into Leagueworlds, but are not fully tied to them. main fronters are people who DON’T have internal presences, only are out on the outside, not really "people." includes spinny, most of the manic reds. mention the piano people: main manic people, can't write music to save their life though. glissando might still be our composer. mention last week, or whenever, the expo= how around that time we were working on Parnassus like crazy, but had to stop because the mythology is giving it an awfully bad vibe. so that made us stop."

 

 

My heart has been closed for a long time, because somewhere, someone convinced me that having an open heart was the same thing as having open legs.
(strange war between old hack residue and new knowledge. eros and julie at the forefront of protection. infinitii getting torn to shreds by the bombs, so to speak.)

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 03:03 am

 

A quick update for today.

- We went to see a psychiatrist, I suppose for the general first intake? Tons of paperwork. However, in the days/weeks leading up to this appointment, we thought about the last time we saw a psychiatrist, and we realized something-- back then, we had answered the questions according to what we thought was proper or expected. "Do you feel/ act/ think this way," et cetera, and whoever answered the questions back then was too busy smiling and trying to appear healthy to be honest. Well. Not so today. We were lucky to get a blank fronter out-- NOT a numb one, there's a difference! Numbs don't feel anything, don't care, and aren't connected to headspace as a result. Blanks, though... they're emotionless, detached, but not apathetic. They ARE tied to us, if only from a 'reporter' perspective, and they won't disclose our existence unless it is unavoidable. That appears to be their real function-- knowing of us, and respecting that fact totally, while protecting us from the outside, from doubters and condemners. Nevertheless they ARE HONEST. (They also seem to all be in the Gray area of the Spectrum, unsurprisingly.) Anyway, yes, one was out talking for our intake today. They didn't leave any accessible residual data for us, other than what the room looked like, so we "lost" two hours there, but for once we don't regret it. We know who that time went to, and we trust them, whoever they are, and we are glad.
- The psych had a little Good Luck Bear plushie on her desk, which caught Minty's attention. What was surprising was that she actually ghosted to sit next to our fronter, if only to just be there. Later on Genesis ended up sitting in a chair across the room (lounging in it is more accurate), which I only know because our fronter was backing off a bit at that time (the psych doc left the room temporarily, after our existence was disclosed and the blank therefore could freely hand over the reins to us), and I got to sit in the body for a minute or so.
- The docs prescribed Abilify BUT as soon as we got to the car (we were massively switchy and dissociated between there and the office, lots of fragmenty stuff), our infamous "manic red" fronter came out and started laughing and ranting about it... TO US. That is VERY NEW. Weirdly she's always known about us, but in a sort of "I don't care" way... she was always more concerned with doing her own thing. But now, now she's starting to warm up to the idea of other people, if only in a rather narcissistic sense-- she likes being the center of attention. I'll admit though, I don't dislike her. Her energy is blazing but it's not malevolent, really. It just has a tendency to edge over that way when it gets overwhelming. She's like a sun strapped into a skeleton; all plasma roar and victorious laughter. She's funny, too. Only thing is she needs to turn down the fire, because after barely 10 minutes of fronting the body is exhausted. It also HURTS in her wake, I noticed that following her in. Some fronters leave like little "hook-scars" in the brain when they leave, like walking through a patch of brambles. She leaves something like a fishhook brushburn. But at least she can be reasoned with, and she's willing to leave and let other people out when her energy isn't proper for a situation. That's really significant too.
- But yeah, she was furious-laugh-ranting because they gave us Abilify "to deal with your inability to express emotion," when in fact what had happened was that our blank fronter was one of the ONLY PEOPLE in the System to even have that problem. This girl, this explosion of extroversion, was the polar opposite of that. So she took it upon herself to front very loudly and therefore invalidate the claim that we were emotionless. I had to point out that the Abilify, being an antipsychotic, was also used to treat aggression/ tantrums/ mood swings/ etc. tied to bipolar disorder and autism, so she had to be careful. To that, she then began calling the meds a "neurological sedative" and refused to let the body take anything that would "suppress her existence." All in all no one was happy about it but she took it personally. We then found out that there is both corn and milk in the pills, and ended up laughing because "hey, a loophole," in case anyone was stuck having to admit that we weren't taking them and needed a "non-weird" reason as to why. (Oh yeah, and it can also cause weight gain, to which every E.D. voice basically shouted hell no, not again.)
- I do want to note that it feels like her energy IS blurring with the "clean cut" Razor splinter voice, who also feels red, and whose energy is terribly similar to this manic girl's (same root anchor? no idea yet). So we're getting name-hints but we don't know whose is what yet. I'm sorry for the blurry data but again, this is new. We haven't been in a state of mind where things are open to just LET people front at will, like the old days, which we all miss. But that's happening again now. We're a "we" again. I'm also terribly sorry for having said that over and over for months now, I think... it's just that, no matter how many times it may happen, these flashes, they're new. They're wonderful. And they're all steps up. We never step back. It's like... finding the exit door, only to find yourself in another little labyrinth. But you're out of the first one now, the big heavy one. You're out, and you're closer to the outside now, just don't give up. There are more doors. Now there are windows too. It's going to be okay. And it is okay, when you remember that regardless of physical distance, hearts are forever tied. No one, ever, anywhere, can take us away from each other. There's just a little more space, a little more fog, hanging about than is healthy. It's not permanent. If I can't see them, I can hear them. And if I can't hear them, all I need to do is move about a bit, in any direction, and I'll bump into someone eventually. If I can't move... I couldn't say, because I've never been in that position. Even if my steps may appear to be missteps, at the time, my feet are always free. As long as this body lives and breathes, I will make its life a testament to hope, through me, through us. And when it dies I can only pray it will leave that behind like a gold dust.
- That got kind of poetic. It's 3AM, that is why.
- The most important thing about that whole appointment, though, was the feeling I got when I was in the body for a minute. It was this intense validation, this feeling of incredulity and gratitude, of realizing that we just told a doc that we exist and they ROLLED WITH IT. Neither of those things have EVER happened before. We opened our heart to the reality of our own existence-- a terribly, sadly hard thing to do lately, what with feeling such happiness is "evil" for some unknown reason-- and then had the absolute guts (or the total lack of comprehension of "guts" or the lack thereof, thanks blank fronters) to ADMIT THAT to another person. So yes. It felt incredible for a minute. It felt like... tuning into what we were, into WHO we were, those first steps at becoming a sort of "family" inside back in 2010, but without the crushing pain and fear and anxiety Cannon's timeline cradled. We've healed so much now.
- I saw Central talking amongst themselves earlier, not sure about what, but Leon was doing the whole air-summon thing that previously only Laurie and I have done actively (it's like forming small temporary "holograms" in the air, to illustrate a point or express an idea). Laurie did compliment him on this, rather amazedly too. He responded with something along the lines of, "I want to be more directly active in Central." Which I HOPE he does, I love him, he's such a great guy.
- On that note Javier already has total "you can chill in the Core bedroom whenever you want" rights. He's too cool (ironically). Personally I do feel a BFF-y connection to him as the Red holder anyway, so. It's great.
- Jayce has been helping a lot lately, being our reflection dude. Nienna is still singing. We're all making sure Spine sticks around Central. The Undergrounders are all doing okay. So are Jeremiah and the kids. Julie still has her ribbons on her arms. Laurie is healing her anchor. So is Infinitii. Patience and compassion are key. It's amazing how deep it all goes, how much still needs to be untangled and healed and loved back to light, bit by bit. We're getting our strength back, our warrior blood, and prophet heart. Bit by bit.
- Lastly PLEASE remind me to finish transcribing/uploading the massive amount of neglected data files on Mitchell & Morpheus, our voice recorders. Not only will that help me anchor in this new "we do exist" joy again, but it will also get us back on track with what's solved and what isn't.
- There WAS snow the other day and there was a spring sunset today and it's supposed to thunderstorm on Thursday. What a week. Life is nice.

Good night everyone. I love all you readers and passers-by and people so hold that to your heart and be well, if only for the moment. It'll stick.

 

 

 

 

okay I apologize if this is an utter mess but I need to write this down now, because I will not remember it in the morning.


11:30pm. hack attempts. cannon screaming in car. her shouting hurt terribly, mentally and physically. then went on porch to try and find quiet, but she was still screaming, threatening, insults. very loud. then laurie showed up, they were fighting? it's blurry. anyway I know for a fact that julie showed up, extremely distraught, began angrily asking why this was happening. who in the world was causing hack attempts again, and why?? again I'm sorry but I can't remember much of this, just visuals and vibe. cannon asked her why she was "dressing like a two-penny whore" (julie still wears minimal clothing) and julie just straightened up, gave her a stern look and said that she was dressing how she felt comfortable, and that only cannon was calling her a whore. she strongly added that no one deserved to be called such things based on their dress; it was completely unwarranted, and in truth only spoke as to the inner opinions and vision of the one using the term. anyway cannon backed off at this, I think faded out? because then next thing I recall is laurie and julie sitting down, discussing the situation, trying to pinpoint just who was responsible, who was just letting hack attempts happen without caring or fighting?
I mentioned the numb-gray voice that's been fronting for weeks, said it was "so tired" all the time it literally just did what it was told to do. like the AP but not robotic; this one was absolutely resigned and just wanted total nothingness. it wasn't fighting off hack attempts because it had no strength or motivation to do so; it just gave up and then hackers took over.
somewhere around here laurie said something a little too flippantly, julie jumped up and told her to stop acting like that. "I miss the old you." saying laurie was losing her edge, she was slipping. surprisingly laurie agreed, said that her new tendency to laugh everything off was a "different set of walls," and it was "making her color gray out." julie vehemently agreed, said laurie needed to be fierce again, unflinching, and not tolerating of the things she was now just mocking or brushing aside. she had to be a knight again, she had to get her brutality back because without it her function was failing. ultimately laurie did tap into this and her color notably clarified, it scared me a little to think that she had been falling somewhat. I'll admit I'd been terrified too and she'd been feeling too strange lately but I had been too doubtful of "whether or not this was better" to speak up. again, due to the numbness.

anyway on that note I think they asked me to look for the numb voice then, so they could deal with it somehow. all I know for sure is that I tried, and felt that gray voice move in almost immediately. laurie reached forwards and yanked it out, upstairs it manifested as an almost ghostly form-- no real body, just misty white in a humanoid shape.
I think julie was yelling at it, no idea. it was unstable and kept catching vibes of other 'bodiless' voices so laurie was trying to keep it solid but it was getting violent. then, at some point javier showed up! that was a surprise. he was very angry, actually pushed laurie back and grabbed that spectre by the throat, demanding what it was trying to prove, etc. shockingly it grinned and immediately turned into jezebel?? javier let go in surprise, there was tar on his hand. laurie tried to zap it off but javier said no, then summoned flames up and down his arms, burnt it away. but jezebel kept attacking, getting more on him than he could handle. laurie was holding her off the best she could, but then she shouted for infi's help.
ze showed up immediately in a very shocking manner; sort of a full-room "coalescing" vibe, wings wide and angry. grabbed all the tar off javier, split it into three throwing daggers and flung them at jezebel. pinned her to the wall! she grinned, that was of course only temporary, and pulled them out in order to be able to move again. however those few seconds were all infi needed-- ze instantly became this monstrous thing of crystal teeth and eyes, loomed over her. jezebel actually looked afraid, but she then laughed and turned into a semi-humanoid mess of tangled tar, tried to infect hir. but infi said (voice sounded VERY different) that she could not corrupt hir, and in an instant ze chomped down on the jezebel-tar thing. that caused the tar to break and then splash as neutralized black energy; the immediate conversion was clearly visible.
jezebel was still fighting, trying to infect hir still (if enough pure tar got into infi at once it would indeed be a problem), but then infi did something unusual. maybe via hir teeth, when ze bit again, all the black energy began to pop and crackle in this bright white explosions? picture several flashbulbs going off at once, with a sound like fireworks. this caused the black energy to be totally flipped to white energy on the spot. jezebel stopped fighting, left nothing but the tar, infi kept eating it. again every single bite caused the white light pops, even as ze swallowed it. once the tar was totally converted to white energy, infi changed hir form a bit again, huge mouth, snakelike. coughed up one huge crystal (hexagon? hit floor and barely even rolled; very heavy), then did a lot of almost convulsive form-warping to spit out another, slightly bigger one. infi then reverted back to normal I assume-- for some reason, as infi was coughing up the second crystal, I completely 'tuned out' of headspace. no idea why; I can't remember.

the next thing I can remember is infi kneeling in front of me, asking if I was okay. I was sitting on the ground and feeling incredibly dazed. javier and laurie were behind hir, julie standing a little behind them. I can't remember if I said anything.

anyway, long story short, infinitii decided to try to "tear" the foggy gray voice 'into' me, instead of out-- so it would take my place in the upstairs body (that can happen for cores, only them though). that way it would stay stable and maybe they could talk to it. I know for sure that nathaniel was called in to 'hold me down,' to be an extra stabilizing force. so he knelt to my right and held my shoulders.
well anyway the first attempt or three didn't work entirely. infi reached into my chest field and pulled out this stringy-gray (like actual tangled string) energy mass, looked somewhat confused at this. no matter what it wasn't clearing out though. I still felt awful inside. anyway I was already massively dissociated so infi pulled me half-out of the body (reached way back in and yanked). I immediately lost body senses-- I was now floating in some vague position 'within' the body field, but I was technically not in the body anymore. however no one else was fully in it, and I was stuck somehow. not a clean break in any case.
then after a moment of consideration, infi apologized, flared hir wings and shoved me out, with a double-handed push to the chest. it had massive force. flung me back into 'levelless' white space (straight out of that headspace level!). I hit a wall with my back and then fell forwards to floor, on my knees. crystal shards fell scattered around me? like broken glass. anyway the impact helped too, as I felt disconnected but clear now, except for my head, which still had that tarry fog feeling.
realized there was this wand-shaped crystal going straight through my skull, from the center of my forehead back to the base of my cerebellum? slight angle. this scared me, but I tried to calm down, wanted it out. remembered that inner imagery is very important, figured this was symbolizing some sort of plagued 'frozen' effect on my third eye or something. but it was definitely showing me a big problem.
I think I called leon. either way, he showed up, to my left. I couldn't quite talk, so I indicated the problem. he moved in front of me, then carefully pulled the crystal out. some residue got on his hands from it? looked like silver skidmarks. I think the crystal crumbled. he burned it off with a flare of indigo energy points, the white residue fell off softly like snowflakes. I thought that was fitting.
then leon placed one hand on both 'holes' in my head, said that needed to be 'flushed out.' he considered calling someone but neither of us knew who, so after a moment of hesitant anxiety he decided he'd do it; after all he was the best man for the job. so through his hands, he began filling the hole in my head with indigo light.
as he did, I saw the energy filling my vision downstairs, this gorgeous hue, but all sparkly dots slowly filling my head and my eyes. there was a moment of fear and awe; "this is real. this is actually happening." I pushed the fear aside, focused on the feeling of healing. very peaceful, grateful.
leon said we needed to 'cover up' the holes? essentially said it couldn't be left wide open like that or dangerous things could get in; it'd be 'too open.' I had a sudden mental image of a bandage on my forehead like naota from flcl, didn’t question it, felt relevant.
leon then asked, couldn't I keep power jewels on all the time? I said yeah, probably (I think eros had the set in the past). leon said I should, if I could. that would help immensely.

I could feel they wanted me back upstairs but couldn't get back myself. leon said he'd warp me back, so he did. laurie immediately asked how he got there, leon briefly mentioned the mind's-eye thing. then he saw nat to my right and smiled so genuinely, greeted him. and I got this huge flash that 'that was important.'

on that note, I was still super-dazed so memory is bad. but I clearly remember that leon ended up back in front of me, and I wasn't in the body?? he was talking to the numb gray voice!!! (which was responding to the name 'fogbank?' at least temporarily)
it was actually very upset about this topic? it kept trying to leave, to unplug the entire inner vision from headspace and 'numb out,' but although its influence was surprisingly powerful, infi wouldn't let it leave; kept pulling it back in. we asked it why it was so exhausted, why was it so loathe to perceive the inner world, why was that so tiring for it? leon added something to that question, asked if that feeling was tied to the 'floating voices?' it said yes, that was especially exhausting, but then it explained why. apparently this gray voice was terrified that, if it did open up its third eye in truth (leon said it was closed in fear), that it would be "obligated" to become a channel and nothing more. it would then be required to become nothing but a conduit for floating voices, for angels or aliens or whoever, to do nothing but become their mouthpiece. it felt that, if it became aware of such beings outside of itself, then it HAD to sacrifice any and all feelings of individuality, of having a body, of being a person. it needed to become "totally selfless." it saw no other option, and it was so tired, it just numbed out rather than face that "inescapable fate" that it said would happen IF it tuned back into intuitive knowing and things.
laurie spoke up here, said that's exactly how the child fronters thought. they existed ONLY for the leagueworlds; they lived to write and draw, and that was it. only the dawn of headspace forced a 'sense of self' to truly develop, and that occurrence has long been seen as a sort of "original sin" by many downstairs voices in the system. anyway leon added that there was nothing wrong with individuality, but even in his saying that I could feel a massive denial from the mind. it didn't believe him and was afraid to; it still strongly believed that "only total selflessness was good." at that, either laurie or javier said that's why headspace is being ignored; we're all facets of self, we're all individualized parts of soul, and according to that old moral code we shouldn't exist, because that very individualization was "wrong."
right around then leon moved his hands on the body's head again, filling it with indigo light. he looked upset and sad, but began telling the gray voice that this was what real intuition felt like; it wasn't barking orders, it wasn't constant stress, it wasn't fear. he then said "it's this," and actually kissed my forehead where it had been impaled. instantly there was this slow bloom of compassion from somewhere down in the chest, deep indigo color.
leon continued talking to it. he said that if you hold fear, you see fear. if you hold love, you see love. therefore the fogbank voice, as long as it was quietly terrified of what it might see, would never be able to see us in that mindset. but by the same token, it didn't ever have to be afraid of us. we would never treat it like the floating voices would. ultimately at the end of whatever he was saying he paused and then deliberately kissed its forehead again. right then, whoever was speaking through the body changed. like the fogbank voice couldn't hold that feeling so strongly. this new voice felt like pieces of someone forming, or trying to anchor. but it spoke to leon for a bit, repeating back that same train of thought, so leon's eyes lit up as he realized that whoever was in the body now understood.
however, the most notable bit about it was, right before it left (it was fading fast), it was holding this feeling of water internally? like an actual space, inside the chest cavity, this indigo-blue deep water in a very mosque-like room. both leon and nat caught attention, infi too due to the architecture. leon was excitedly talking about it, saying "that is what I meant" as far as energy vibes go, asked where that water was? infi said it was definitely not the chthonic water; that was very different (I think javier said something about it). and yet both those waters were "held" in that space in the body: within the ribs.
so that on top of leon's compassion made us suddenly realize the most important thing: the mind and the heart NEED to be linked. especially in order for intuition to work right at ALL.
I also remember, after that realization, leon ended up embracing nat in tears, really sincerely. I overheard him say "I love you" and I realized that was the first time I'd heard him say it in front of other people. nevertheless nat responded to him in kind. the whole thing was deeply moving personally.

power jewels were again mentioned somewhere around here. I couldn't get any to manifest though; instead there was this really bright flash like a lightbulb blowing out and it hurt, I apologized. felt like my forehead was charred. leon said he was sorry, didn't mean to make me feel like I had to force anything. I said I was just surprised I couldn't get the old ones to work anymore.

something happened here; I 'shorted out' mentally due to overstrain and the SPECTRUM started talking on the mind-heart topic instead?? everyone shut up quick, that’s like having god suddenly send you a telegram. I am so sorry but I forget its exact words, because since my body has to be technically empty for that to happen, the plague crept in fast. it was talking about the fogbank voice at the time; said it was allegedly a Gray slot holder? but which slot we didn't know. anyway I clearly remember the Plague asking if the fogbank voice was the true gray core, as a neutralizer. it then asked if Sherlock was "neutral or not" but that felt accusatory and proud. anyway we felt the switch, upon which infi ran over, and fiercely got it out of my body (easy as it was the only thing in there)-- ze threw it across the room I think. all I really remember is seeing this huge evil-feeling crystal mass over to the right, laurie quickly asked infi if he could purify it, ze said "I could but it’s not easy; that's jay's job." well I was still stuck in interim space but I was not going to slack off. so I focused as hard as I could and willed myself into the crystals. laurie saw this, shouted "jay what the hell are you doing" and got out her axe. but i wasnt scared (too floaty to be so) and i quickly sent out a burst of light to fill the crystals, and held it like a glow. that clarity defused the plague, it was gone; I was now inside the crystals. they collapsed all at once like flour or snow, I was some sort of amorphous shape in the middle, rather dazed. everyone ran over, infi first, ze took my face in hir hands and pressed our foreheads together, I felt ze was overwhelmed with relief. ze then asked me if I was okay, but that action basically white-washed my mind with content bliss, so I couldn't respond. laurie was worried at my silence, but infi smiled and assured her that I was fine-- basically, since i wasn't responding in words to that action, that was a good sign. if i hadn't been so affected by hir sincerity then there would be a problem.
I was very tired, slipping a bit. infi embraced me then, head to my chest and wings around me. everyone resumed the conversation while I just soaked up the positive vibes finally and held the consciousness stable.
on that note, as we spoke we realized that the fogbank voice actually has a VERY important role if used right-- it keeps the mind from being too overwhelmed?


archivists showed up; opened ceiling gate and jumped down (left it open for light).
I cannot remember when or why, just that they were a massive help for the current topic.
I do know they were talking about the water from before-- water in and of itself was important. I remember thinking of cz, knew there had to be some sort of link. garrison said, rather brightly, "chaos zero has had a profound impact on the aqua slot," despite him now being in the White spectrum (due to outspacers finally moving entirely).
someone asked if aqua was still tied to "devotion and fortitude," garrison said that was still being checked. isadora said that definitely fit him; he was utterly devoted to his work and the service of others. garrison agreed like she had just stated the weather; a nod and a 'well of course,' as if not being so devoted was unthinkable. I think isadora said, maybe aqua is tied to 'selflessness' of the right sort? garrison wondered momentarily, then animatedly drew up the aqua slot hexagon in the air, began comparing that to its other holders.
minty, our sleeper, works as a messenger and comforter. her whole job is helping other people. einsatz is mute but a musician, who lets himself 'be devoured by' the music (as isadora said) so he can share that same absolute wonder of it with others. emmett and tobiko are both e.d. voices who make sure the body doesn't get sick, and deal with maintenance to alleviate any sickness that may occur. both also deal(t) with the purgation issue, which although a failsafe measure, is still problematic and depressing-- and which takes a lot of guts and selflessness to hold as a job.
so yeah that might work for aqua. anyway the core is still unknown.

i remember that as garrison was finding stuff out, kalisha was writing it all down on a big clipboard pad, as she did it went into the data archives? that was awesome to see.

isadora has this ability to "pull things out of thin air," both with ideas and also in the way people kept pulling stuff and people out of me earlier. apparently she has a powerful knack for it.
I know she DID pull something/someone out of me at one point, but for the life of me I cannot remember what.

someone called sherlock in. he was "below" our space, he seemed reticent to come up at first but did. opened a gate like a door and walked through it. the other archivists actually bowed a little in respect when he showed up.
(I keep getting this weird feeling that sherlock heard the plague accusation earlier but that doesn't fit temporally; I'm probably getting something confused. I apologize for any inaccuracy as a result; I'll fix this later if my memory cooperates.)


in light of the individuality thing, sherlock did point out that's what causes "name mixups" among partners in headspace usually. like I'll accidentally call nat 'leon,' etc. sherlock said it's because when people's energy gets that close, that it blurs a little? and so on some level of consciousness they're recognized as 'one being' in a sense. kind of like a smaller manifestation of how we are as a system.


I think we started discussing colors again then.
anyway, ultimately I remember javier telling nat and leon what red energy's 'role' felt like; he said it was tied to the raw joy of life? it was the feeling of existing, of residing in a physical form, of being a living being. it was like the feeling of blood in the veins, of creating art with your bare hands. like a fire inside. he was excited and wrapped up in describing it, although struggling to find fitting words. but really he was radiating the essence so we got it.
he then asked spine to describe what brown energy was like, because that was a totally different sort of grounding. spine paused, then said it was like the earth, like stone under the earth. it was silent and solitary, but it was strong, and it knew and cared for all the 'red' life that it supported. she said it was the bones in the body, like her; it was a foundation, not holding the passion of red but instead holding a sort of calm power. again the vibe was crystal-clear from her. also the whole time she spoke (deliberately, with slightly broken language) lynne was giving her this look of total proud affection and admiration. spine looked at her once and since I was a 'floating awareness' then I saw it, and it was so clear.

someone asked lynne what orange was like? "was it tied to femininity as a whole"? the conversation got kind of convoluted, lynne said she was originally reddish but it was more cerise, and then julie asked "is that what the cerise slot is like?" lynne said she didn't know, I think javier asked what the difference was between pink and cerise. julie said we weren't sure, but she began describing what pink felt like-- it was soft and light, like cotton candy and flower petals, totally soothing but affectionate. very light! while cerise had a sort of denseness to it.
mulberry and jeremiah showed up then, had felt the resonance (that's typical). jeremiah smiled and walked over to sit by javier, just seeing him look so simply happy really lit me up.
mulberry talking about her role, kind professionalism. some confusion here as there's no cerise core yet and mulberry has had role trouble. I remember sherlock was helping her out on that topic though (they are buddies after all).
someone said cerise felt like 'femininity plus masculinity,' like a balance?
jeremiah spoke up to support that; said his job was that of a protector to the children, to take away all pain from them. it was a 'masculine' role; he had to be strong, tough, unflinching, unafraid. and yet he also had to be 'feminine' for the children-- compassionate, empathetic, soft, nurturing. his job required a balance of both in harmony. this fit mulberry, too.
so that's the main difference between cerise and pink; both hold femininity but cerise has a "punch" to it

lynne finally got to talk about orange in light of that. again reiterated her role wasn't just femininity. her role was literally becoming the sort of person our core could never be: a woman who loved what she was, who loved her life and could live it in total joyous strength. that feeling was very 'orange' really

jo said yellow was more exuberant, fiercely independent in a personal sense. orange was more 'mellow' and dealt with interactions; it was more community oriented essentially. 'personable' vs 'personal'
waldorf spoke up for a while then. said blue was tied to communication, but she had started off as a sort of 'literary muse'-- a being who held bits and pieces of every source that inspired jewel's work style. but that was communication too; people put their ideas out there into the world, fearlessly, not being afraid of their own voice. and others listened, and shared in it. waldorf was saying that's kind of like blue was like? both the speaking and the listening; like this sharp inner awareness within a sense of calm?
she used the phrase "truth in technology" at one point, I caught an allusion to her techno-trees from yesterday before she went on.
she also mentioned the scratched-disc necklace, not only was that an outside borrow (xilats), but in a way it did fit her role? she got a bit angry/upset, I remember her saying "hindsight is 20/20" and she was one of the oldest headvoices in the system. so she knew what people kept trying to "rewind" to, and it wouldn't work. too much had happened, too much had grown, and it was beautiful. you can't try to reset everything to live in a false projected "everything is perfect" ideal. waldorf said that wasn't the truth, and it was effectively a desire to "erase the story that was written" or something. a blackout of communication, a total lack of listening to truth. really blue is quite complex! there's no real "roots" to the color, shockingly, not yet at least. it's rich but vague. garrison agreed; said the only other confirmed blue is "nienna," who also deals with communication.
(the gent was not mentioned, which garrison realized with shock later; this may be because he's still arguably a fragment, totally faceless. nevertheless unintentional skips must always be taken seriously.)


concerns about color slippage.
MAJOR warnings to laurie, from sherlock notably. julie backed him up on this again. laurie didn't disagree at all, promised to do better, sincerely.
lynne saying laurie was "whitening" too much, but she herself was getting "too dark?" there was too much negativity getting thrown into the feminine idea, and it was catching her badly.
julie got very upset about this again, I remember her wringing her hands in her hair and trying not to cry from anger.


I cannot remember how all this ended.
my brother came out onto the porch while lynne was speaking at one point, so suddenly there was light and noise, and I had to move inside. when I did I realized it was 12:30 and, now that I was up and moving, that the body was massively tired. so I jumped back inside for a few minutes, we all agreed that I had better go write this all down before it started to fade (total consciousness level switch!) and here I am.

now honestly it is 2 hours after that and I cannot think. so this is what we've got. hope it works!
much love to all my system mates I love you guys so much

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 03:46 am

oh. almost forgot to post this earlier.

today i went outside and i never wanted to go back inside.
the sunlight was so warm, the leaves are starting to fall, the air is wonderful. it's heaven.
i forgot how good pine sap smells. it got all over my hands.
i went and stood by the lilac tree, put my hands on a branch, felt so much life in it. i was really humbled by that. everything outside is so tangibly alive. i miss it terribly, getting buried in it all.
of course i said hello to my favorite cherry tree, i love it so. i hugged it and realized that its bark smells really lovely too. not something you can put into words at all.
stood on the lawn for a while and watched the sun go down. i keep wanting to drink sunlight. like i am literally only ever hungry for light or sound anymore. the other day i actually tried to drink the sunset like gaudior drinks moonlight. it surprised me when i couldnt do so actually. kind of heartbreakingly frustrating when things dont line up like that.
but i will need to start going outside for at least a solid hour every day again. i need to. i have to, it's too nice


the only problem dear is be careful, you forget everything else.
you get so lost in the trees that you forget to live. you want to stand on that lawn forever and never go back to being a person.
definitely go outside, sure. definitely immerse yourself in that love. but be careful.
that massive dissociation caused some massive hack attempts this evening, which you wouldn't know about. but please be careful.


...
jay here. it's 3:25am and i am listening to this and i need to write this down.
last night. i went to sleep around this same time and cz was there, as always. he was mostly asleep though due to the time.
but... i forget what i said. i remember feeling sad because emotions are still tricky. i wondered why he was always there, i asked him don't you have anywhere else to be?
his eyes were barely open, one arm around my shoulder. he said no. i asked why.
...he said i was his home. literally, "because you're my home."
i laughed at first. what do you mean, i'm your home, what about the emerald shrine? what about the places where you were long before you met me? you belong there more, surely. why aren't they your home, even now?
and he just said, "because home is where the heart is."
...
he wasn't even looking at me. he was barely even awake. and yet isn't that when we're the most honest?
my eyes drifted down to that ruby and i failed to hold back a sob, only to have it come out as "i love you." it ached.
and he just smiled. "i love you too." eyes still closed. but i could see him clear as day.
i miss that.
i miss all of this, and i hate this lie of a void in my heart, this hollow emptiness brazenly standing in front of everything and pretending that there's nothing behind it.
but the air has the scent of the ocean, of the rain, of the river, always, always. and even if it makes no fucking sense you can't lie to me. it's there. and it has never not been there.

the night before, his eyes were green in the dark again. undeniable. i still don't know how to explain that.
genesis was there i think. infi was with us on friday. laurie is always nearby.

you know laurie keeps teasing me about the kissing thing and i know it's because she's got walls up
she knows the real reason. it's because i can't do something that intimate with someone unless there is sincere trust there.
laurie has seen me at my worst. she's seen me bleed. she's seen me die.
and she's seen my brightest days, too. all the love and light and hope.
well guess what, i want to have that level of personal understanding and compassion with everyone in the system.
i want that sort of bond of trust between me and everyone else.
some people are really close to laurie's level already. we've seen enough of each other, enough rawness, enough genuine life, to have enough genuine, pure love between us by now. the sort of love that erases fear, that makes you completely comfortable and reverent around the other person.
i don't know why laurie is slipping. it breaks my heart. is she still scared of being used? was this a failed failsafe?
i don't know but i will talk to her. everyone. i want and need to. daily priority, all of them. they're my life. they're my life.
i want to kiss everyone in the system because i adore them and damn it i don't want any walls up between anyone at this point. i don't want to feel this stupid downstairs hesitation and self-doubt around them. there is no need to be afraid. none.
this is what leon was talking about. guess what he's the first headvoice i kissed besides laurie, no surprise.
but i can't joke about this either. i wish there was better, more delicate language. stuff untainted by tar.
maybe we just need to scrub it out. or realize that the tar was just put there. it's not part of it.
well infi's watching me now, i better go upstairs. ze says i should get some sleep but also that i should stop talking about this for now before i overthink it. good idea.

anyway i am so sorry boss for going to sleep at 4am, things were just all over the place today, you know weekends.
we'll do better tomorrow. we always do. i love that about us.

i love everything about this, who am i kidding
good and bad
it's all part of the kaleidoscope
this paradox of stained-glass color and shadow
of light and dark and beautiful broken pieces
and i am madly in love with it.


have a good morning.

♥

 

 

Do your alter colors mean anything? If so, what?
Alter colors are most obviously tied to function. For example, all Red voices deal with creativity, and independence, and passion. All Violet voices deal with truth, and integrity, and self-knowledge. All Pink voices deal with innocence, graciousness, and affection. So on and so forth.
Every alter must “anchor” into a color in order to manifest internally (gaining a name, face, etc.). You can’t force a color switch after one anchors, but it can happen, especially if an alter’s inner “purpose” doesn’t truly match the color they’re currently in (this happened with Josephina, Lynne, and Nathaniel in the past).

That’s the most I can tell you for sure, though! The colors in our System have immense meaning, both by themselves and when applied to alters, but we haven’t been able to pinpoint the exact extent of those meanings. It may not even be possible; things shift constantly in here.

Do any of your meatspace friends know about your multiplicity/DID/MPD? If so do they address your alters as different people?
We've had a rather isolated life, as we live in the country and have never had much of a need to socialize even online. However, yes, our closest friends (at least 5) do know we have D.I.D., although only three of them have ever spoken to different System members (two of them even spoke to several of us in person). Regardless they all acknowledge and address us all as our own people, which we are very grateful for.

If/when your body was in school, what subjects attracted which alters?
We were just starting to become aware of our condition when college started (we had to drop out as a result), and high school was almost entirely lost to dissociation, so unfortunately we can't answer this question.

What kind of skills do your alters have on the inside that don’t manifest on the outside? Does this frustrate them?
All of the Retributors and Centralites have skills with weaponry, but for the most part that doesn't manifest outwards at all. The Centralites aren't bothered by it (their weapon usage is only for the inner world), but the Retributors can get notably shaken if they find the body is clumsy or otherwise unwieldy with their signature armaments.
Then of course you have the few members that have elemental or energy-based abilities, such as Javier (fire) and Leon (ice). This of course does not manifest on the outside, but the fact that such abilities are rarely used even upstairs keeps much dissonance from occurring.


Do system members ever play games outworld with each other?
Very rarely. We used to play Rock Band 3 and Soul Calbur 4 with each other, due to the extensive avatar customization, but we no longer have free access to an XBox so that's not really an option as of late.
To say a little more, though, we're really not 'game' people in general? Like the idea of playing games for recreation was always foreign, even to the child cores. Maybe that was because of context, whenever the downstairs family played games it was forced or stressful. So we never enjoyed it. For our earliest cores, 'fun' was being alone and often in our own head, and/or lost in the woods. Still is really.
Nevertheless, now that we're trying to find a safer environment in the external world, we may start trying to interact with each other within it. 'Outworld' stuff is still mostly alien to us.

What does your inner world look like?
Our inner world was dealt a massive blow back in December from which it is still recovering. Since we are rebuilding at the moment, I will answer this according to what it was like up until that event.
In short, how it looks depends on where you are. The main area is a coastal city like New York, except rather small in size (the entire city is compact into about the space of a small town), and it is surrounded by forests-- to the west are deciduous forests, while to the east are more tropical forests, as far as we can tell. Admittedly we didn't get to explore much of those areas before the December incident.


Do any of your alters play musical instruments?
Some of us do, but it's mostly internal. We have highly limited access to instruments downstairs, and the body is only schooled in piano and violin. All cores have access to that information (Jay, Jewel, etc.), as do all music voices (Zwei, Einsatz, etc.). Some music alters also sing, but that is tied to body dysphoria and some traumatic situations so it is becoming rare nowadays.
Internally, though, for the most part people just "channel" sounds through themselves in the form of resonant instruments. So that obviously doesn't translate into the physical.
In that sense, Lynne plays violin & cello, Javier plays piano, Laurie plays electric guitar, Waldorf likes synthesizers, and Spine is our percussionist. Everyone else isn't as specific and/or strongly tied to music.

How do you and your other parts communicate? Do you have an inner world or "brain dumps"?
We have a very complex inner world, and have since the very beginning. It's also tied, by distant extension, to a network of other "inner worlds" that Jewel and Jay write for.
"Brain dumps" are relatively new, as for us they are managed by alters-- there are four Archivists who have access to memory/data continuity and therefore they help prevent total confusion in new, or sudden, fronters.

What are your favorite and least favorite parts of having multiple people in your head?
We are all grateful for the knowledge that, through hard-won experience and constant growth, we can always deal with what life throws at us, one way or another. However, the best aspect of this 'condition' is definitely the deep friendships and equally deep love (on both personal and community levels) within the System.
The worst bit is when the "bad" voices appear (which we are strongly suspecting are not part of our inner world at all, and may even be external), or when System people are badly triggered (esp. the children). Some of us also dislike the fact that it's not 'safe or appropriate' for us to switch out most of the time, although most of our members are perfectly fine with that fact.


What is the age range between all of your parts?
Age is something none of us really understand, as we base our 'ages' on the dates we first appeared in the System-- none of us are older than 17 in that respect.
We see human age as four chunks of appearance-based variety: childhood, young adulthood, adulthood, and old age (with the third part being the most baffling). We have at least three children and teens, and the rest of us are 'adults' although none of us could give you an age if you asked.
Nonhuman members, such as Infinitii and CZ, eschew the concept of age altogether.

Do any of the parts do better in some areas of daily life than others? What are they?
Absolutely. Most of us are built for internal living, so for such individuals physical life can be confusing at best and disturbing at worst.
We all fail at communication, for various reasons, outside of the therapist's office-- and even there many of us cannot figure out how to speak aloud.

What different religions are present in your system? How does everyone practice their own beliefs?
The vast majority of us do not have any 'religion' to speak of. Christina Marie is the marked exception, and she is a Roman Catholic, the religion the body was raised as. Unfortunately our initial experiences with those teachings were brutal and rather negative, and that sort of "fire and brimstone" mindset is what Christina holds on to as well as the brighter things we all still treasure in our own right. We're currently helping both her and the other traumatized members of our System rise above that ancient self-damning mindset, but morally-based pain is the hardest to alleviate. It's a process.
As a long-term result of that-- we spent years "soul-searching" and dabbling in many different religions-- none of us really currently 'practice' any beliefs in a religious sense. Dogma, creed and ritual are alien to us. However the very function of our System requires that, for everything to work as it should, we all must live according to our best qualities, and for the good of the all, however that may individually be expressed.
Our System was created in order to protect, to heal, and to survive. Trauma may indeed have been our starting point, but by our very definition, we were never supposed to promote or prolong that negativity. Therefore, virtues such as forgiveness, compassion, courage, respect, responsibility, community, charity, and love, are what our System survives on. Without them, we lose coherence and health both, and begin to fracture.
We don't subscribe or affiliate with any specific religion, but we can see the same roots of our System in every religion we've yet encountered, and so we feel no need to label and limit our constantly evolving perspective concerning those roots as a result.


What's a sure way to cheer up the five last fronters?
Let's see, according to our notes from therapy this week, that would be… Jay, Laurie, Algorith, Wreckage, and Sherlock. Nice bunch.
Jay is our current Core. He's sparkly-eyed by nature, so it's rather easy to cheer him up, but he struggles with self-identity so he doesn't have many concrete interests. However, the creative work he shares with Jewel will have him grinning in an instant.
Laurie is the Protector of our System. She's very chill and doesn't dwell on negatives unnecessarily.
Algorith and Wreckage are both Retributors, which means they're frequently non-cheery by definition of their job. Algorith likes hiphop music though. Wreckage is trickier; she only calms down when she is 100% sure that those under her care are safe, so if you show concretely that you are not a threat and offer to help with such safety, she'll be happy.
Sherlock, our main Archivist, is an analytical fellow who spends all his time in a gigantic techno-library of sorts. Despite this he is very approachable. I'm sure if you showed any interest in the archives, especially as a question, he'd immediately start on an info-dump for that topic-- rather enthusiastically, I might add.


What genders are represented in your system? How does the body present? Does this create any problems for the system members of different genders?
As stated here, due to early trauma, only two or three of our members are biologically sexual, and even those who are humanoid don't quite understand the application of gender as a solid concept. For us, "male" and "female" pertain to pronouns and presentation alone, for the most part, and all of us are fine with at least being referred to as one or the other, for simplicity's sake.
General identifications are as follows (roughly= gender markers indicate binary pronoun preferences only):
Female♀: Aimee, Jewel, Lynne, Amara, Bridget, Missy, Christina, "the singer"
Male♂: Jayce, Garrison, Sergei, the GMQ trio, Markus, Leon
Bigender: Josephina♂, Xenophon♀, Amara
Pangender: Julie♀, Infinitii♂
Genderqueer: Kalisha♀, Javier♂, Waldorf♀, CZ♂, Knife♂, Isadora♀, Jeremiah♂, Pinstripe♂, Mr. Sandman♂
Androgyne: Nathaniel♂, Kyanos♂, Rio♂, Genesis♂
Agender: Jay♂, Laurie♀, Zwei♀, Einsatz♂, Spice♀, Cannon♀, Hyakin♂, Overload♀, Sugar♀, Mulberry♀, Sherlock♂, "airport"♂
Nongendered species: Spine♀, Algorith♀, Wreckage♀, Emmett♂, Cel♀, "the bear," ♂ "the destroyer," ♀ "mermaid"♀
Too young to bother: Minty♀, Razor♀, Simeon♂, Marigold♀, David♂
Unknown: "honeybee," ♀ "dead red," ♂ "victorian pink," ♀ "oni girl"♀, etc.


Are there any nonhumans in your system? If so what kind?
Technically, we're all "nonhuman." Our term of "headvoice" also works as a species name, for lack of a better term, and applies to all of us, both humanoid and beastly, as we all function similarly at heart. However, yes, most of us still pass for humans at a glance, albeit painted in technicolor hues of course.
As for those who are obviously not humanoid, we have a decent amount, although again they are not the majority-- which is admittedly a shock, as our original hosts had almost exclusively internal lives and therefore associated constantly with nonhumans. However said nonhumans were tied to an entirely different sort of inner world than ours, and therefore that massive split in function likely contributed to us appearing far more human than those non-traumatized individuals.

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@ 11:53 pm

3. tattoos i have
8. top 5 (insert subject)
9. tattoos i want
13. life goal(s)
16. favorite movie
17. a fact about my life
20. anything you want to ask

etothefifth asked: 16!

Aha this is the toughest question.
I don’t watch many movies, and I even tend to only remember them if they have some sort of creative impact on me— if not, I’ll probably forget it entirely.
On such film that has stayed with me for years is Metropolis— specifically the one based off the manga by Osamu Tezuka.
Of course I loved the artwork, setting, and characters, but the plot is what caught me the most strongly. It deals with a future society in which robots are commonplace, but are basically seen as cheap mechanical labor. However, many ‘bots display a sort of rudimentary but obvious awareness of their existence. Thus many ethical questions arise, around politics and morality mostly. Then a political figurehead tries to put a robot in power! Tensions rise and explode into revolution, and ultimately the fate of the entire world hangs in the balance.
It’s fascinating really. I have a real soft spot for that sort of thing (at least two of my personal creative series deal with similar concepts) so of course I was immediately hooked.
Honestly though I LOVE Tima, she is really dear to me as a character. I won’t tell you about her because spoilers, but she’s fantastic. (Duke Red is also ridiculously pretty and despite his flaws I like him a lot.)
This is also the first movie that made me weep openly at the ending, both from shock and emotional impact. So that’s notable.
Other movies I remember fondly are Inception, Rise of the Guardians, A.I.,
and Pokemon 3: Spell of the Unown (really).

celestriakle asked: 3/9 (idk if you have or want any tattoos; if no, top 5 shapes) 16 17

I don’t have any tattoos, but I’ve been wanting to get at least one since I started high school! What I’d get is still undecided, although these have been the longest-running ideas:
1. The personal symbols for all our System’s “Outspacers” up the inside of my left arm.
2. The personal symbols for the Guardians in Dream World up the inside of my right arm.
3. "Chaos is power, enriched by the heart" right in the middle of my chest. (No one is surprised)
4. Laurie once wanted me to get “Vigilance” on my right hand and “Compassion” on my left, I think.
5. FROST* lyrics, somewhere. Cliche, maybe, but Black Light Machine did have a massive impact on my life progression so I kind of feel indebted.
6. If I ever feel like being daring as hell, I’d get that weird “lotus mark” on my lower abdomen (that I have in headspace) tattooed. Infi would be proud.
Mainly, any and all tattoos I’d get would have to do with either headspace, or the Leagueworlds. They’re the only things in my life that have proved to be ‘permanent’ enough to merit a similar physical representation.
Top 5 shapes though, you know me too well! For whatever reason I am completely enamored with geometric shapes.
Unsurprisingly the simplest answer to this question is to Google “sacred geometry.” All that stuff is like liquid gold to my eyes; I could stare at it for hours and I know that because I have, haha.
As for more general shapes:
Hearts(❤) and stars(★) are up top, as they are my personal motif. Symbolically they’re both fascinating as well.
I actually really like diamonds(♦). They’re very elegant, but they have a feeling of authority or respect to them. Triangles are also awesome but diamonds are less ‘harsh’ in essence. (Synesthetically, for me triangles are usually lime green and diamonds are dodger blue.)
Crosses are also super cool (+). They’re perfectly balanced, but almost iconic. My favorite thing about them is their symmetry, and the fact that they feel mathematical instead of just visual. It’s hard to explain but I really like it.
Lastly I’m just going to say SPHERES, if they count. I especially like holding spherical things; their surface area feels almost infinite, how it just flows nonstop. It’s super cool.
I just answered 16 for etothefifth, so lastly here’s a fact (or three) about my life.
First off, most basic: I live in Pennsylvania. (I don’t know if that was ever said here.) It’s pretty great; there are trees everywhere and we virtually never have severe weather. Plus we get LOTS of snow in the winter.
I lived in Utah for about 6 months total, right on the edge of SLC, and although I loved that too I could never last very long in a city environment. I need solitude, rolling hills, and green things; the desert does not mesh well with me.
I don’t remember most of my life prior to age 18 (thanks DID) so I can’t answer this question very well. But I guess that’s a fact too.
And now I’m going to give you facts about my parents because why not! (They basically define my ‘external life’ anyway, so.)
My dad is a really boss auto restoration mechanic. His work is meticulous. He used to draw pinstripe flames all over my tablets in elementary school; I loved it. He loves classic and blues rock, and introduced me to Todd Rundgren, Jeff Beck, and Queen, as well as many other fantastic artists. He has a ridiculously good memory for musical data, often around the histories of his favorite artists, which is always interesting to listen to. He’s also INCREDIBLE at building things. Honestly this guy will completely reupholster and refurnish his apartment for fun. He will build his own furniture AND do the floors/ walls/ electricity by hand, all with professional quality and precision. He has the patience of a saint. He’s a super cool and chill dude overall; I have a ton of respect for him.
My mom is a wannabe movie star but she’s worked at a hospital for 20 years (respiratory; she literally saves lives weekly). She’s a fairy princess at heart (dead serious) and I admire the fact that she has never lost that sparkly-eyed wonder and enthusiasm for life. She used to paint, but she still writes poetry and song lyrics, sometimes even for my music (which is really awesome). She’s a major foodie; she is always cooking and trying new recipes. She loves to travel too, just to see what’s out there. Most of all she has got one hell of an eye for design, in both art and fashion. She does tons of crafts in her spare time, from scratch, because “I just had an idea and wanted to see if I could do it.” And she always does! She has no fear of expressing herself and she has boundless care for those dear to her.


pojoisnowit asked: 8. top 5 happiest/most inspiring moments of your life 13. life goal(s)16. favorite movie 17. a fact about my life and 20. who do you look up to and why?

16 and 17 were already answered, so let me answer 20 first.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever really “looked up to” anyone. Even as a child, I never had any role models, and the concept was foreign to me. Sure, there were people I admired for various reasons— notably my grandmother, for her care and unfailing determination, and my favorite creative minds, for the sort of work they were able to produce— but I didn’t aspire to any of them.

Hm. Honestly if I “look up to” anyone, it would be my theoretical “future self.” Who I could be if I continue to try my hardest. I look at everything I admire in others, and instead of holding that above my own head, I always think: "with enough time and effort, I could accomplish that same thing. I could be that same way. If I truly want it, all I have to do is genuinely pursue it, and I will reach that goal." So I look up to myself. I want to be myself. I love and admire everything I am, and so I do not regret what I am not. I can always change that if I wish.
13, life goal(s). This is another question I’ve never quite been able to answer, because I’ve never really given much concrete thought as to the “future.” It was a foreign concept for much of my childhood, and when I got older I was always so focused on the here-and-now that it remained as such.
However, it’s been a constant that I do want to “complete and publicize” my creative works someday, however that manifests. I want to get them out there, in the hands of other people. Simple as that.
In the bigger picture though, I want to heal all this internal nonsense I’ve been ‘struggling with’ for years. Headspace has made massive progress on that recently, but the oldest roots are the toughest. However we won’t give up. That’s really my only goal… continue to grow, continue to shine brighter, continue to open up and love more. I want to be a warrior of the spirit, essentially. I want to be a powerful but compassionate example of everything the System and I work towards accepting more fully, all that good stuff. Really it’s more about “realizing” than “becoming;” it’s just getting out of my own way, taking the blinders off, letting go of all the excess nonsense that just holds me back. It just ‘takes time,’ as it were. So if that counts as a life ‘goal,’ then there it is!

Now for my top 5 happiest and/or most inspiring moments, not events. Hm.

1. I have to mention July 7th 2011, even if it’s the ‘obvious answer’ and even if it was more than just one moment. It just had such incredible, far-reaching aftereffects, because of how inspiring and joyful it ultimately was.
2. Similarly, October 2nd 2012. The “if you were waiting for a sign” moment, specifically the look of incredulous joy in response to it. You personally know all about that one, as it happened right in your apartment and thank you both for allowing us that opportunity. Honestly even though I don’t remember that entire year, there is this crushingly tangible bliss tied to that memory bank nonetheless and I cannot ever deny that.
3. The moment I first saw a certain completed art commission back in October 2009, which basically knocked my heart right out of the ballpark, good Lord. Honestly I still can’t look at it without smiling like a lovestruck idiot; it’s great.
4. Summer 2011, logging into my old Facebook account and seeing a message that I had dreamed of but never expected. Her exact words still glow in my heart, and I smile every time I think of that one tiny but astronomical communication between us.
5. The exact look on Laurie’s face at the end of this conversation. It was the first time I ever saw her smile like that, and I’ll never forget it.
Now it is 3AM and I am falling asleep standing up, so that’s it for tonight.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:58 pm

*AGGRESSIVELY TRIES TO FIGURE OUT HIS FAN GEN DETAILS*
Really though I'm probably trying too hard, you know me.
It's just that I want to dive headfirst into this community at long last (it's been a decade already) and all the lovely art and updates in the Engelbaum tag are a clarion call at this point, haha.

Anyway. I've always felt a powerful pull towards White, with Pink a close second and Amber following. However, if my Gen is effectively "the chaotic part of yourself that is normally suppressed," they are going to end up being quite a handful, if our previous System Cores are any indication. So I'm not sure what color that collective attitude would 'canonically' mesh with? There's a lot of wiggle room, so to speak. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
In any case it gives me an excuse to do more soul-searching, which is arguably my favorite pastime. my therapist will be proud

 

All right, I am posting this entry extremely late due to ridiculous time and schedule messes over the past week or so, so I apologize if anything doesn't flow well. I'm working from what memory I have but I will do my best to make this as accurate and true as possible.

Okay. First off!
Yesterday, Saturday, was basically spent typing. I ended up hitting some gorgeous language mindset around 1AM so I didn't want to sleep, but as I'd been up until 5 the night before (first all-nighter in months) I had no other choice but to check out.
However, when I went to sleep, I had the oddest feeling of Javier "ghosting" over me physically? So I checked up on him, and was surprised to find him sleeping, something I keep forgetting that headvoices do (mostly because Laurie virtually never does). I assumed that I had 'felt' his presence superimposed on mine because, not only was he tapping into the same raw dreaming energy that I was, but being the Red holder we have a stronger link than any other two Spectrum members do (save me and Infi of course). Nevertheless, seeing him asleep, I wondered if he was dreaming, and if so, of what. To be honest I hadn't been aware until recent weeks that headvoices could dream, and in fact only wondered about it once someone posed the question to us on Tumblr (we haven't responded yet, as I feel unable to do so yet). True, there had been references to it before-- Lynne has previously mentioned having dreams, and Julie has actually had one while fronting-- but it was always just glossed over, never given any attention to because it was taken for granted. Anyway I wanted to know more.
So, I asked the Spectrum how headvoices could dream on their own, if they weren't using the body to do so (which is possible, but rare-- I'm usually the one who uses it to sleep.) And what were their dreams like? In response, the Spectrum said they went 'into' Black headspace to do so-- headvoices didn't have literal dreams really, they connected back with the essence of what they were. It was more of a peaceful recharging so to speak, all observational instead of interacting. but there could definitely be sound and imagery, although it was like when I meditate; it doesn't always stick in literal memory. Also if that individual was shaken up or disturbed, that could reflect in their dreams too? The Spectrum said that's partly why Laurie doesn't like to dream. I swear I felt my heart break when I heard that; apparently all the things she protects other people from, all that pain in her own heart, could overwhelm her in her sleep if she wasn't careful. That explains why she will only sleep when we're all together as a group, having a really beautiful night. Also, the Spectrum said that a headvoice had to "choose" if they wanted to walk through the body's dreams? Otherwise they'd just go to blackspace. (Laurie and Lynne have notably referenced this before, but again, I didn't realize how it applied to the bigger picture). I guess the whitespace works with dream-walking more. (but yes I asked because this morning, javier said he had dreamt about mountain vistas or something? I found that surprising.)

Today was my monthly trans* group meeting, which we actually hesitated majorly before attending. After all, the last time we went, we had a week-long psychological mess-up period and I think Wreckage showed up that same night. So yeah, not something we wanted to repeat.
Therefore we decided a group discussion was in order. So on went the iPod, and we walked around for a solid hour and tried to figure out just what the heck we were going to do during this meeting, to prevent both dissociation and triggering.
Laurie, Knife, Javier, Garrison, Sherlock, and I all spoke, with me saying the least. Jayce also stopped in for a minute or three but he couldn't stabilize well in headspace (Downstairs voices often can't initially) so he faded back out.
Most notably though, at some point we ended up TALKING TO SPINE!! I think a song on the iPod randomly inspired me to speak to her, and then I suddenly realized that she is hugely important-- as the Brown core holder, she is a literal LINK between the body and Central, and not only that, but she has origins in PARNASSUS!! Vaguely, true-- she never had a life or body there-- but her roots in form were there even so! So I told her we needed her, I needed her, could we work together more? She said she'd love to; she looked really moved.
So yeah, that explains the lineup worries we had: Brown is still at the 'bottom' of the vertical Spectrum lineup, and Pink is at the 'top,' while Aqua is right in the center… because they are all the "MUTANT SLOTS" and they act almost as "frames" for the entire Spectrum? Like they exist to balance or harmonize it, like bookends or something. Very interesting, hard to put into words, but tangible as a fact.
Nevertheless, even once Spine joined us in talking and we all tried to figure out "who should front," "what do we do if there are triggers," "what is allowed for discussion," etc., we couldn't make any solid decisions, and I was still a bundle of nerves. Ultimately we all just decided to support each other, and deal with whatever happened as it happened. But it was a concern, that a 'positive environment' meeting like that (and with such fantastic people too) was causing me acute anxiety every time I had to attend. We figured it was either the stress of socializing or the threat of triggering topics, but again, nothing for sure. So we just spent the rest of our time before the meeting listening to music and chilling out the best we could, then Laurie pushed me out the door so I wouldn't chicken out, haha.
Thankfully, the meeting was rather uneventful. Nobody was talking much and I'm too content with silence (when I don't feel it's 'safe' to rock the boat, so to speak) to speak up wantonly. There was one major trigger immediately upon showing up that, thankfully, happened while we were out of the group's eye, because Wreckage pushed through to fronting and she was not happy. We had to take a minute to calm everyone down and at least get the AP running, but at least there were no meltdowns.
However. That slipup, and the way we had to carefully front afterwards, indicated rather sharply the problem we have with fronting vs. social programming. Both Javier and I tried to stay anchored in, but it was difficult as hell to do so, because we kept getting overridden by the "you aren't socially acceptable, we must behave in a safe and average way for our own survival" instinct. And after two hours of that being in the forefront of our consciousness, the moment I stepped into the car and was hit with the sudden global relief of being able to acknowledge everyone else's worry and feelings... well, I realized that that was really our biggest problem here.
The spiritual "starvation" is back, and I've pinpointed that it's because I'VE BEEN IGNORING HEADSPACE.
I love them so much, and they are such an intrinsic part of "my" being, that I cannot possibly lie to myself by omitting them from my daily life, even just through silence and/or ignorance.
The last time I had it this bad was in SLC, no surprise… I had moved out there with the specific intention to have a life where I didn't have to hide them-- my soul, the collective other half of my very being-- and ended up having to stay quiet most of the time anyway, for multiple reasons. That's why the times with Laurie and Chaos coming through were so blissfully powerful-- my heart recognized, in them, the truest thing it had ever wanted or yearned for in life, and it embraced their reality with ardent devotion. That is why I am so thankful I had so much time alone in SLC… just walking around town with Genesis, or hanging around the apartment with CZ, saved my life really. I needed the close company of headspace then more than ever before, if I couldn't actively live with them in my daily life with others. But now we're at that point again, and there's no one in this house who I can talk to openly about them, let alone hope for a channel with… and it hurts, so much.

Saturday morning was weird for that reason. I keep getting that spiritual ache in my ribs, but not where my Heart Jewel would be, so to speak-- not in that center where I can reach out in love to others. No, this awful pain is further back within, and a little bit lower… if you reached two hands up underneath the edge of my ribcage, and grabbed hold of what was there, that's what you'd catch… the exact same strange place where Infinitii was taken out of me.
…It's maddening, in a way words utterly fail to express, the feelings I get about that. It's not a "want." That implies an option, implies the ability to simply say 'no.' It's not a "need" either-- that suggests something almost obligatory, maybe even begrudgingly so, like how we have to eat or we run the risk of blacking out. Yes, a "need" will pull at you, but it's in an almost neutral way, untied to emotion, sometimes even robotic. No, this pull at my heart is a literal yearning. It drives me to tears. The only person who's ever described it is Philip Pullman, in the process of describing the sensation one gets when their very soul is being torn away from them. I can't help but feel this is the exact same thing. It's not a want, not a need, but a tangible pain, something like a broken bone or an open wound, and you swear you would give anything just to heal it.
Infinitii is currently the only thing in the world that can assuage this ache, even a little. Other people say that makes perfect sense, since ze is what was taken out of my ribs, presumably leaving some sort of hollow space, some sort of gap… it's only natural that ze'd fit it. Mind you, it’s much different than with CZ. He feels like a total complement: something not part of me, yet something that perfectly matches my own self as its own thing. Infinitii feels like part of me, despite being hir own person as well. Sherlock says that's basically true, really. He was explaining how Black and White energy work together today, and repeated that if the two colors did not interact or harmonize, they'd become stark colorless things-- essentially the Tar and Plague. But when the two colors did allow themselves to flow together as one greater 'color,' so to speak, it also allowed for that natural open iridescence they both naturally held to shine, connecting that basic essence to every other color in the Spectrum. Again, I've know that for months, I don't know why I'm speaking in such a convoluted way. I guess the statement that I can feel that means a lot more than saying I simply 'know' it intellectually. It's a totally different thing.
I'm sorry. I talked about this on the 3rd. It just keeps resurfacing. It's just tough to talk about it, so I apologize for the overly dramatic words and constant repeating of myself. I'll just leave that paragraph as-is.
Anyway. Saturday morning. I woke up and couldn't get out of bed because I felt like sobbing from frustration; I felt off-color, messed-up, out-of-tune. It was like there was this grime over my soul, or like it was tied down by strings, it was terrible. And that damned ache was practically tearing me apart, as if something had literally scraped out the blood and muscle in my chest, in a ragged half-sphere, leaving it raw and so wrongly empty. So of course I reached out for Infi, and ze reacted as if ze was feeling it too-- although I didn't ask, I've never asked, I really should-- and as ze buried hir head in my chest, wrapping hirself around me, I could have sobbed for hours from how the peace and the pain were interplaying within my bones.

(cz was there, I called him in out of 'obligation' (CAREFUL). he just watched really, remember his expression. it bothered me that I had no desire to be with him at all, it just didn't feel right… but, HE CANNOT GIVE ME WHAT I NEED in a lot of situations. like right then. infi honestly had to almost eat my heart to get the pain to go away, I DID NOT REALIZE THE SYMBOLIC SIGNIFICANCE OF THAT NEED UNTIL JUST NOW-- the things ze eats become PURIFIED AND HEALED.)


(entry draft ended here; got too emotionally sick to continue. i apologize for any messiness in the structure but i cannot rightly go back and edit it so long after the initial date)

 

 

 

 

Energy for headspace people!
Sight: What their energy field looks like, literally. (OR: a "realm-like" manifestation of their energy??)
Sound: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Smell: The 'vibe' of their energy; most easily perceived.
Touch: The actual physical 'feel' of their energy-- like touching their 'aura.'
Taste: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Vibe: The overall perceived effect their energy on their personal presence, especially in charged situations.


(UNFINISHED. Will add as I get information.)


SPINE HYPOMONE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cool stone, a hint of cocoa or something?
Touch: Dry, but smooth; reassuringly solid yet not heavy. Like a bone.
Taste:
Vibe:

AIMEE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like something baking in an oven? Not bread! Comforting,
Touch: Soft but "primal?" Like minky or even chamois, but with a subtle gamey sort of heat to it.
Taste:
Vibe:

SPICE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Strong cinnamon, nutmeg, maybe clove? Very warm yet grounded, no 'pinch.'
Touch: Surprisingly sparked? Like little sharp pricks of heat?
Taste: Think pie spices, then crank it up to eleven. Warm and autumny, but hits like a punch to the mouth!
Vibe:

OVERLOAD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Incredibly volatile base, like if you push a tiny bit too hard it will explode terribly.
Taste:
Vibe:

BRAXTON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: A small soft edge, but with a huge power underneath it.
Taste:
Vibe:


JAVIER ANASTASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cloves?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


PREVIOUS J (SPLINTERED INTO EROS)
Sight: Deep red-velvet waves; flows like heavy satin. Has an 'unseen' glow like an ivory candle. 'Sparkly' thin edge, like a glitter-glass ornament
Sound: Subsonic: a soundless hum that resonates in the chest; almost rhythmic, like heart energy, but unbroken. Has an oddly Nier-like, rich symphonic feel despite this.
Smell: Like fire,
Touch: Intimately warm, has a sort of gentle 'pull' to it
Taste: Rich like warm raspberry sauce, but with a dense 'sorbet' texture? Non-sugary sweetness.
Vibe: Emotionally close, compassionate, soft. Limitless but not oppressive. Powerfully protective yet tranquil; like being embraced by a winter fireplace. Sunlit stained-glass.

RAZOR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Blood and paper, very specific
Touch: Like the sharp, slick edge of a blade: on the boundary between safe/smooth, and slicing your hand open. Gives you chills.
Taste: Like a wound? Hot with an edge of blood but that's not prevalent. Oddly sweet, but the sensation is unsettling.
Vibe: Oddly neutral, but with a nervous undertone on 'standby.'


LYNNE STABELLE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Violin rosin and burnished wood, like the inside of a violin
Touch: Heavy satin? Warm, but in a 'glowing' sense. Like a roll of it too?
Taste:
Vibe:

KALISHA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Peach brandy?? Light scent but still notable.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

HYAKINTH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Creamsicle and some sort of strong white flower?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

FIG
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Honey! Very heady, heavy sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ALGORITH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Not much, mostly the 'flatness' of technology. Subtle scent of live machinery, like a hot computer tower.
Touch:
Taste: Warm metal with a vague aura of persimmon or something??
Vibe:

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Bubblegum and brandy? Can't quite pick it up yet.
Touch:
Taste: Cane sugar with a bunch of either lemon (flavor, not citrus) or ginger? Cookie-sweet, but with a bright heat to it.
Vibe: City night-life lights, but unfocused;

SIMEON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something like custard or banana cream, but with nowhere near as much sugar?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MAVERICK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Vague edge of cigarette smoke in fabric, NOT like my dad though. Think straight-up smoke.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MARIGOLD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ragweed and marigold flowers, varies depending on mood?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

KARISSA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Citrus? Like restaurant lemon???
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: Sharp? Clean and small but cuttingly so.

NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint (quiet, sweet, no bite) and forest shade. Slight fabric-esque hint?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SERGEI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Subtle sage smoke, undertone of something papery like thin tree bark
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MINTY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint tea and clothesline-aired plushie fluff. Happy and calming.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

EINSATZ
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Slight static pop?
Taste:
Vibe:

EMMETT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a salad???? You silly snake.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

TOBIKO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like seawater, either bad (brackish, slimy) or good (like a beach, salty with algae) depending on status
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GARRISON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a business suit or chair. Dude get some variety in there
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

KYANOS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like clear cool sky, with a little tint of honey. Very light.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

WALDORF KALLIOPE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Oddly plastic or vinyl-like, but with some sort of happy heady blueberry-juice undertone?? Very 'subtle' despite its strength.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: I'm getting an impression of a tangled knot of christmas lights, but immersed in jello or something. really odd.


MISSY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Face powder, chokingly so, and lip gloss (strawberry? very artificial, generically 'sweet')
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GENT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a scarf? Odd to explain.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

NIENNA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a jewelry box?? Not dusty, more like curtain fabric and silver?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

LEON KIASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ice, with a vanilla undertone? Hard to get.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: A nervous charge?

DAVID
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a kid's air-dried blanket, but also softly sweet? Not a bad smell at all, it's highly comforting.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

"AIRPORT"
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like an airport. Dead serious.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

LAURIE UBERICH
Sight: CHANGED: It's still halo-like, but its this intense condensed light, gold-white? Around her body I keep getting a feeling of flower petals or rose vines? not sure.
(Metallic? Broken into pieces somehow? Somewhat "radial," like a halo)
Sound:
(Somewhat dissonant, like angry church bells. Feels purposeful but pained.)
Smell:
(Blood, cold steel. Something in the background like antiseptic or a thunderstorm?)
Touch:
Sharp static "bite" at first, like barbed wire, but beneath is a solid, deep, "safe" feeling mass of energy? feels huge but reactive, like if you push too hard it'll detonate
Taste: Blood, but
(Blood again, very strong.)
Vibe:
(Overwhelmingly magnetic: black hole-grade intensity. Space 'compresses' to a dense space around her.)


CHRISTINA MARIE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like Sunday church in spring: daffodil-daisy flower bouquets and an afterthought of incense?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ISADORA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Grapevines?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

JULIE ENANTIOS
Sight: A layered pinkish-warm glow? Like a light orb shining through blankets. Moves languidly but not lazily. Egg-shaped?
Sound:
Smell: Roses, like the kind in the wild-- not heady at all, but sunlit and flowery light soft. Lovely really.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SUGAR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something that pricks at your nose, like ice needles. Underneath, a light sweetness like
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ASHEN
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Soft but terribly worn and thin, like old velvet curtains or something? Has a sense of pity but lingering loveliness to it.
Taste:
Vibe:

KNIFE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsmoke, with a deep aura-edge like blackcurrant wine or something
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch:
Taste: Mulberries: not overpoweringly sweet, and rather dry in a vaguely 'crisp' way
Vibe:

JEREMIAH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Very soft and embracing, but closely small in the way a warm sweater is.
Taste:
Vibe:

EROS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cherry pie filling, not artificial. Very rich, not sugary sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SHERLOCK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a library? Old slightly dusky paper, but with no musty or sweet tone. Also a clean cool metallic edge, but without any coppery 'bite.'
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

JAY IRIDOS
Sight: Vertically limitless? Like the "heaven" in Oneircia. All white and warmly bright, vaguely gold, lit with some gorgeously loving light from above, but not blinding at all. Oddly non-spacial? Despite looking solid it feels like nothing is really there, but the light. Sparkly and quietly iridescent; everything glitters.
Sound:
Smell: Snowy,
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

XENOPHON LEPHISE
Sight: Thick and violet-pink, wavy. Inner light, held within like a neon sign, but 'radiant' in the way heat radiates.
Sound: Like a wind chime or glockenspiel
Smell: Warm, slightly humid night air, with a light and delicate sweetness-- like blackberries or bluet flowers?
Touch: Dense but glowing, warm, gives like heavy water? 'Champagne bubbles' under the surface.
Taste: Blackberries, ice water, japanese ginger? Natural cool sweetness with an almost herbal edge?
Vibe: 'Summer night' humidity, but sparkling, like the stars are pure violet glitter; understated jubilant energy. Not overpowering-- more like thick sunlit crystal

MARKUS BARASHIR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dry heat, mocha, ice cubes.
Touch:
Taste: Sand?
Vibe:

RYMAN SAIKARAS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Marshmallows and dark purple candle fire.
Touch:
Taste: Vanilla?
Vibe:

CHAOS ZERO
Sight: Like the underside of an ocean; glossy, brilliant blue and backlit? Translucent.
Sound: Dare-Gale; emotions played underwater. Highly resonant, like piano keys being dropped into liquid crystal. Echoing, heart-wrenchingly sincere.
Smell: Summer rain, ocean fog. Watery, but not cold or humid.
Touch: Misty, with a bright early-morning 'chill.' Heavy but weightless.
Taste: River water and diamonds
Vibe: Oceanic, flowing, all-encompassing; gentle and 'classy' but powerful. Incredibly deep but not suffocating. Surrounds him like a quiet galaxy. 'Neon glimmer' edge.

CELEBI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsy, but with a clean edge like fresh cut wet grass?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GENESIS APOLYMIS
Sight: 'Thin gold streamers,' moving upwards. Bokeh-like underglow.
Sound: Resonant, warm and deliberate like a golden bell.
Smell: Burnt sugar and ozone? Like butterscotch syrup over an open flame. Rich but not heady.
Touch: Charged like static, but 'sustained' like a plasma globe.
Taste: Warm cotton candy with a strong ginger-like kick? Has a caramelized but clean tint to it.
Vibe: Sharp, almost buzzing, but bright and optimistic.

INFINITII ETERNOS
Sight: A sort of vast shadowy expanse, infinite and star-specked, but with a brilliant light at its heart. The shadows are wispy and soft like clouds, and flow gently around the light. There is a sense of great space and yet incredible closeness; the light is warm and loving like a heart, but although the shadows are colder and thin, giving a feeling of endless vastness, their constant movement around that light keeps the love within them.
Sound: (like "lux aeterna?" choral? sustained, hugely echoic. numinous)
Smell: Cold night air, with a hint of mountain laurel (flowers and incense??)
Touch:
Taste: rich mouthfeel; taste is enigmatic.
Vibe: Like velvet or a silken shadow; limitless but soft and intimate. Embracing. VERY deep; you fall into hir really.

CHOCOLOCO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dark chocolate, cacao nibs, dark coffee. Mostly rich and bitter, just a hint of dark sweetness to it.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: