preamble

[prismaticbleed]

 

Guys I'm sorry this is such a short update but I am just so sparkly-happy right now.

True, today's been a bit rough-- heck the past few days have been a bit rough-- but it's all for a very good reason so I'm going to keep on truckin' because it is entirely worth dealing with.
As for the roughness... well. You know that "mind=blown" update I posted about four days ago? Apparently, coming to that huge of a realization about our headspace opened up a LOT of doors... both up and down the hall, so to speak. Let's take it one person at a time.

First, Nathaniel finally decided to step up to the plate with his new color's responsibilities. Quick recap: his old function as the "blue" headvoice (when he was still female) was unstable; he couldn't communicate, and was manifested almost exclusively through a reflection, which had happened almost purely by accident and wasn't very strong. Nat didn't start forming an identity of his own until just minutes before I had to "re-absorb" his energy in April of 2008, an act which effectively killed him temporarily. Yes, both he and Lynne managed to reform in early 2009, but his existence was so unstable that he looked chronically sad and a tad sick. Then Julie straight-up murdered him, and when his energy managed to scrape itself back together, his form had "reset" to that of a mute child. But he was still unstable, and a few months later, he had literally deteriorated out of existence (His dog, Vincent, was also a "fragment" of him that formed due to his incompletion during his reset. Vincent never fully stabilized either, returning to Nat's own energy between '09 and now). Anyway, you all know that thanks to some psychological shenanigans on my part, upstairs energy finally became receptive enough for him to resurrect in 2011... except this time, Nat was a dude, and he was green. That was a surprise to all of us, but we just rolled with it. Problem was he never seemed to really "settle in" to the new position, and no one had any clue what his role was supposed to be. Well... I think we figured it out, on Friday. The short version? Look at a chakra chart. I'll elaborate on that tomorrow when I don't need sleep. (I think his appearance totally warped as well; he looks kind of moth-esque now which is boss but I'm curious as to the energetic cause of it so I'll get back to you on that too.)

Second, we discovered where Spine and Julie's "slots" are in the spectrum: I'm still trying to refine my hospital-induced sketch to more closely reflect the Kabbalah info I'm slowly accumulating (because it does fit), but in the original spectrum-centered diagram they were "beneath" the main seven colors? Without a visual it's complicated to explain, but Spine is beneath RED and Julie is beneath VIOLET. Apparently my behavior as a child screwed up the whole system but that was supposed to happen anyway, so... it's complicated but incredible. On that note there was apparently a "forced energy flip" due to overload in my and Julie's colors, which externalized to form the midpoints between Red/Brown and Violet/Pink... Xenophon is on the White side, and guess who's on the Black side? Razor. Dead serious! Also I keep thinking her name was supposed to be "Molly?" That stuck out in a dream I had about two months back as "belonging" to a headvoice I "didn't have" so I don't know. I'll look into it. Anyway little me really threw a monkey wrench in the system as it was forming so everything related to Red is completely anomalous, and I still don't have a full grip on it. Apparently a few people were shoved out of their "intended" places and the entire sub-spectrum was forced into existence when I decided to create Julie because of energy misplacement... long story! Once again I'll explain that tomorrow.
BUT! The big event concerning the mess with Spine's slot and color mismatching is that I think Spine looks like she does because someone else originally held the Brown slot, and their "essence" was stripped leaving HER as a skeleton, and forcing the "rejected" energy straight down into the Black or something? I have no idea, I'm trying to figure it out... but yeah apparently that "rejected individual" never really died, so to speak, and the implications of that (keeping in mind the color shenanigans) are pretty disturbing, but they make SO much sense.
That's where the current roughness is from though. Let's just say she's not too happy with how much has changed as of late.

Third, the reason why I am inwardly giggling like a freaking Care Bear:
WALDORF IS BACK.
Guys you have no idea how much I missed her, oh man, I didn't know if she was dead or just buried but DUDE I am so happy to see her again. She was my literary muse during 2002 but she never stuck around because I don't think she had enough energy to fully stabilize? But here she is! And do you know what that means? OUR SPECTRUM IS COMPLETE!! Seriously she fits perfectly into the Blue slot Nathaniel just left (Leon is actually INDIGO which is huge and I don't know how I never saw it earlier but we'll get to that too), which is the slot that deals with communication, and if anyone is a natural-born expert at that it's her! So I'm psyched, and I'm already making mad progress in typing, haha. Dude this is great.
Also apparently her hair lights up?? I always thought they were scaly-dreads like Kerrigan's but no, they're actually translucent tubes of the same shape and they glow blue, it is the coolest thing!!
I'll have to see if her eyes change color or not; they're still red at the moment... and still terrifyingly gorgeous as usual!
...
_{fffffffffffff WALLY I MISSED THE HECK OUT OF YOU WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ♥ *continues fanboying*}

Lastly, and most briefly... in light of all of those events, I've come to a more complete realization of who I am, and why my dysphoria's been spiking lately in response. It's somewhat scary but incredibly inspiring and it just gives me so much hope. If I can stabilize... I know, without a doubt, that everything will fall together. Consider that my spirit quest for this new moon! I'm sincerely dedicated to this, for my sake, for everyone's sake.

Oh, one last tiny thing for my own consideration... if Lynne's in the Orange slot, Spine's in the Brown, and I'm in the Red (as there was confusion there for a few months), does Dagger fit the long-empty Red/Orange midpoint slot even if it's not his "typical" color? Because all the other mids seem to be bending the rules a little, and seriously if he fits our system then GET BUSY with that mad potential the dude's buzzing with; I swear if he doesn't end up with a symbol and soulwings before the month is out I will be sorely disappointed in you, haha. I mean come on, he even fits the "ambiguously gay swordsman" in-joke everyone in our coregroup matches already. The kid's a shoe-in.
HOWEVER I am completely unsure on the lower-spectrum individual placements, as I have been for years, which is a significant fact in and of itself. Lynne keeps sticking to Red, at least in her general appearance, BUT she's always had either a Pink or Orange tint to it?? That NEEDS to be looked into, now that I've realized it... on the same note, Spine felt surprisingly Orange in the past BUT she can't hold color because of her skeletal structure, obviously. If my theory concerning her "stripped energy" creation is correct I don't know if she's even SUPPOSED to hold color.
Plus, thinking back to how I only started to feel genuinely "like me" AFTER the "Jayce" phenomenon in 2010 started, and that didn't solidify until my title switch in January... let's just say I have a LOT to think about concerning that.

Also I surprised Xenophon today by making kale soup entirely without warning and she was so excited it was adorable (she loves that stuff). God I love her so much, I really do... last night I honestly just went into her room for a few minutes to watch her sleep because the fact that she exists is just... it's incredible. I am so honored to have played a part in bringing her here. I am so honored to be her father.
I know I can live up to that role. I will.


So yes. Life's been awesome even if I do feel somewhat sick right now due to either stress or food or both. Ah well. Can't complain!

Now I seriously need sleep so you guys can look forward to tomorrow's major headspace update until then.