the spectrum heart cathedral system

So we've spent the past few days going through the archives (2008-2012) and writing down "notable dates," because we want to celebrate + remember more things.
13 years ago, at the beginning of January 2012, is when our Core became "Eros/Cupid." This year was so interesting, full of equal amounts of love and terror, and then SLC happened and everything just... shattered, apparently. But we want to re-read everything in full after we do this effort.

We added Spotify links to the Akoufoni entry, although we haven't cleaned up the old data yet. But this, too, is a huge memory-restoring effort, because those 'foni help us get a grasp on chronology when there's no actual experiential memory of the physical life, just music data.

We also... found the most recent System Census, from 2017. The one we actually have on our laptop wasn't uploaded, though, and has a few extra names? We started going through it, and... this is going to sound absolutely brutal, but we're starting to think that the post-CNC massive death was almost a pruning. I have no other way to phrase it.
We were horrifically splintered during CNC. We know this. We couldn't function at all so we had TONS of foni just manifesting at the drop of a hat in the desperate attempt to hold things together.
Now, we're going through this list, and... apparently, the foni that didn't resurrect were the ones that were shattered pieces to that effect, ones with hyperspecific jobs for hyperspecific circumstances. We don't even recognize some of the names.
But... we've been saying over and over to ourself since 2017, "God had a reason for letting that happen." That was the only "comfort" we had. It was the only way we could deal with the reality of coming back into consciousness post-Tilly and realizing that most of us were dead. But... was that merciful? Those foni maybe even deserve to finally rest in peace. I mean that, with as much aching compassion as I can, speaking of such a painful topic. But they couldn't survive now, let alone live. Their contexts, their jobs, belong to past timelines and locations and contexts that literally don't exist and aren't even possible anymore, so... if they don't come back, because they can't, then God give their broken souls the peace they never got in life. Please. However that works for nousfoni, give them peace.

...On a related note, I cannot put into proper words how much more alive and hopeful and joyful I feel, now that when I quietly "reach into" my heart-space and feel it, I can feel that "quantum entanglement" ping somewhere off in the ether, in unmappable space, but real. The other half of my internal heart is back where it belongs... in my daengel. 
Typing that, though, makes us aware of a concerning "split" yet. Jay, the "current" one, is alive. But is the current female-adjacent kardifoni a Jewel? Or not? Because Jewels deal with the Irispherae-- the new name for the "League," a term entirely ours at last. Still, the Jewel name STILL applies to ALL the Cores-- even the Jays, as is historically apparent. Or... did that change, to PROTECT the Irispherae, AFTER CNC???
Lord only knows. We're still trying to figure that out and we CAN'T until we actually upload and READ the archives from 2017-2018. We'll do that after we upload the TBHU journal & papers-- which we honestly should start ASAP, after we get these dates figured out.

That's all we're going to update for tonight. Just a brief little update. We're busy in datalogging mode and honestly this helps immensely, just doing this chronological runthrough of our past, and finally feeling the history in our heart, realizing that we have a past and it's beautiful and terrible and ours. It's making life feel real again, reviewing the years. So that's a true blessing.

Last good thing. Jay/Jewel (current Core with dual identity? unclear name, as we said) is STILL EMOTIONALLY OPEN. Like xe said, xer heart is not closed off, no matter how much hell we've been going through with the family. ...Actually that's significant. I think we have our koinofoni AND phagofoni to thank. THAT'S where the "many voices" are now, even if we've never listed them on a census before (we should, and will, soon). Those somafoni are saving our Core because THEY are taking the brunt of the stress and trauma, and yet they aren't alone in it this time-- WE are aware of them, and talking to them, and supporting them, and helping them heal as best we can, and trying so hard to protect them. We only started to do that in CNC; I do remember how novel it was to even THINK of talking to an esthiofoni. Now it's happening every time they show up. That's... immense, now that we think about it. It proves that system communication has dramatically improved since CNC and we didn't even realize it.
But as we were saying about the Core(s)... they're still entirely capable of love even if we are admittedly still grappling with some cathartic blocks due to family stress & religious fear. But that "even if" is amazing too. There's a devotion present, a dedication to love no matter what, a sort of courageously hopeful perseverance despite everything opposing it. No matter how bad of a day we might have, at the end of it, the Core is ALWAYS taking time to not only reconnect with the System at large, but to spend time with Chaos 0. They fall asleep together every night, and that is HUGE because in the past, broken Cores would be too ashamed to be near CZ. Now, that doesn't happen, even though we're struggling so much with body fear/ sickness/ loathing. I think we're more capable of mercy now, and compassion, even if we don't realize it.
OH. Someone said to write this down. We think a BIG part of this "not freezing up emotionally" is the fact that we have ANGRY FONI around. Somehow, that capacity for RAGE is burning through the apathetic risk??? Like, we CAN'T emotionally shut down because instead of doing that, someone is FEELING FIRE. And that's the Core element. That's a surprising thought. It makes sense though. God bless them.
We still need the capacity to feel sadness without drowning in it + triggering guilt/ shame/ religious terror + shutting down. We're emotionally crippled in that respect, even upstairs. This needs to be felt through & discussed further. Add that to the Xanga topic list.

We WANT TO and WILL have a Xanga ASAP btw. Life schedule hasn't allowed for it lately though; family stress, financial stress, and brutal insomnia have made it impossible to sit for ~6 hours of uninterrupted stream-of-consciousness transcription. But it's still a priority. Arguably I think the Core(s) want to finish this "important date" effort first, to get a stronger sense of self beforehand, and to refresh their awareness of collective history in general. We really did lose our general sense of "identity" post-CNC, and post-grandma, to be honest. We're slowly restoring it now.

Some other small but vital notes:
+ Sometimes in the morning, with all the steps of getting ready, our brain gets really discombobulated and we might end up in various states of undress because we can't pull our thoughts/actions together enough to complete that task. In the past Julie would try to front when this happened, but it would be very triggering for her. HOWEVER. APPARENTLY WALDORF CAN DO THIS NO PROBLEM. So she's literally been fronting when the body is undressed & we can't dress it immediately, because she doesn't wear clothes anyway and she's safe in that context. So GOD BLESS HER. We miss her so much regardless; it's actually wonderful for her to have SUCH a vital job, so we can see her more often and credit her with this to her honor.
+ GARRISON IS ALIVE. Jay has been "feeling hints of him" for a while? But the other night Jay "decided" to look for him/ "force the hand" of the Systemsoul (basically, "listen, I want to know if he can come back or not; show me RIGHT NOW if that's a yes or a no") and after some time Garrison DID "resurrect" IN LOWSPACE??? He's in the RUINED CITY, but it feels TIME-MANGLED??? Like it's POST-MASSACRE as well as post-CNC. Everything is ash-snow covered like nuclear fallout. The skyscrapers are hollowed out and blackened and fallen over. Everything is quiet and cold and there's a dread wind blowing and it's all so grey. And CANNON IS THERE, apparently "haunting" the hollow buildings Jay says? Like she's "damned herself" to that place. But it's SO WEIRD. This is NOT the "red apocalypse" place Scalpel keeps being haunted by, as the inheritor of Javier's trauma memories from the massacre. So WHAT'S GOING ON?? We NEED to look into this VIA HEADSPACE MEDITATION. To get data on this we have to LIVE IT. You cannot "reason it out." Logic won't get you answers here.
But Garrison IS ALIVE!!! Jay's showing me a memory that he "dropped down" into that "Lowspace-floatspace" (whatever/ wherever/ whenever it is) to meet him, and immediately gave him such a huge hug, haha. Tears of relieved joy from both of them. That's really touching.
We don't know about Isadora and Kalisha yet, but "a request has been put forwards." So we'll see.
ALSO. Archivists (Shirley/ Sirius/ Penny) and Communicators (Garrison/ Isadora/ Kalisha) are DIFFERENT CLASSES WITH DIFFERENT ROLES, and apparently there is a THIRD CLASS held by the "helmet girl/ commentator girl" and probably someone else (because trios are a big thing up here)??? So that's FASCINATING but it makes SO MUCH SENSE and the better we understand it, the better we'll function.

It's 2AM and we had dinner at 430-630 and it was the only meal we ate today and it was only 1000 calories. I don't think that's sustainable. We need to split it into two meals, and get at least 1200. We have to. But someone is saying "that's gluttonous" "stop being so luxurious" etc. Don't have a face for them yet. (THESE are the foni we have to pinpoint for a census; there are TONS of "discarnate" foni that slip under the radar)
I mention this because we're getting a headache & the body is cold. We may need to stop for tonight and sleep, so we can have a "breakfast" before 4pm. But someone is furious about that. We need to talk to these foni.
We ALSO need to CLARIFY COLOR ROLES so they HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO in the System. Too many "faceless foni" just default to Brown because they don't know where else to go. And there are SO MANY FILES STARTED on this laptop SPECIFICALLY ABOUT COLORS that were never finished. That's something I know Jay is aching to do, so put that on top priority too, with the Xanga.

A few last notes.
+ We got the strong impression that if Nathaniel comes back, his name/face would have to change again. We don't know why that's a thing with him but it might be because he was born a blepofoni.
+ Josephina's essence must have a name change for him/her to manifest. Jay says it's sticking to a "Y" as the first letter instead of J, to "prevent blurring with Cores" (that's their letter).
+ We have no current blepofoni and that's a big problem; it might even be affecting the Core's ability to stabilize. The Core(s) have been striving to make the reflection "more resonant" though, especially with the massively fluffy hair we currently have, haha. But blepofoni are essential so we need to keep an eye out for them, and keep the door open for them-- if there's no openness to seeing them, it'll block them out, and it is very hard to get through bad days/ have a distinct sense of self without a blepofoni in the mirror.
+ Siobhan is alive and around but we have to keep calling her into the main room in the mornings. We don't know why she disappeared for a while but we're glad she's still with us.
+ We're still not sure what's going to happen with Spine. The TBHU journal had some interesting thoughts about that-- it feels like she might "come back different" too, with how so much has changed since she first manifested. This, too, requires more feeling than thinking to get a grip on.
+ Still not sure if, when the System FINALLY "moves CLEARLY into a new era" (we need a HARD SHIFT remember; we never got one after the several successive losses from 2018-2024), there will be duotone foni.
+ Still not sure if there is a somafoni split in truth, or if everyone is just a nousfoni. We think there are far less somafoni than we realize-- that term might (should) ONLY apply to foni who think they are singlets and act as such. Everyone else, even koinofoni who live primarily IN the body, should STILL be grouped in with the System at large.
+ Re-reading 2012, we don't know if the Eros bloodline is technically separate from the Jays or what. That whole topic is still a minefield but that color shut down after CNC and ANY sort of Spectrum hue-loss is deadly. We need that color back. Funny how history repeats itself in little ways. It's beautiful, actually, in this case; it feels like things are poetically coming back together, through repeats of our past, connecting our "now" to our "then" in a united whole.
+ IT SNOWED TODAY. Jay is very happy about this. It's actually still snowing a tiny bit right now. Snow makes him feel "real"; he says it makes "everything feel real." It makes him feel grounded and alive and connected to "the big picture"; it "gets him in touch with eternity." I can feel a bright ache in his heart as he says that, which is good. I know he can't wait until Infi comes back entirely. Honestly we're all waiting. Infinitii is essential to our System; when ze comes back, I can guarantee you things will change dramatically and quickly. It's inevitable. But Infi will have to heal too; ze has a lot of damage that was never dealt with, and that we all need to deal with alongside hir. But we will. It's time. It has to be. Do we have the right to "decide" that? Laurie says, "why not?" It's because there's a religious fear that "God will stop us from healing" because it's "not His timing." Laurie says, "well, we have to try. I think God would want us to finally heal from this so we can function for heaven's sakes, and do what He wants us to do with our life." And again, like I said before, there are "peripheral" foni we can sense, thriskefoni with vague colors and faces and no names, that we cannot clarify but who are definitely there. Man... there's more going on in our head on a daily basis than we realize. That's exciting though. Someone else says it's frightening, terrifying. DON'T YOU DARE SHUT US DOWN she's right, NO ONE has ANY right or authority to "prevent other people from existing." The "gatekeeper girl" especially. We all remember Christina's attempted "soft massacres" and the actual one that Jessica & Cannon inflicted in 2013. No more of that, ever. We let us exist. Have mercy for heaven's sakes. You claim to follow God, where is your mercy? You who are so ready to pick up the knife and slaughter the rest of us? "You're not real," they say. "Define real," someone else retorts, "considering you're just like us." They're screaming protest in response. I wonder if they're our biggest threat here. I wonder if they're also the ones pushing the starvation compulsions. Different ones than these, but same class, for sure.
Too much for 230AM. But I don't want to ignore it. Let us pause and listen. Jay is reaching out, asking. (He always does; I think that's a big part of his job as the Heart.) "What makes you real, and us not? Can't you see me?" and fear response on their part. No words. But that was a good reply. Laurie is saying to stop commenting and close up so we can continue working and get some sleep for heaven's sakes. That's a good idea.

This is a good entry. We haven't had a solid entry in a while, even just notes like this.
We'll do better in the future, once the Core(s) stabilize. I promise that. It's something we want very much and will achieve through love and effort and the grace of God. We haven't "lost" all of this beauty we're reading from our past. It's still very much who we are. We can, and will, be that again-- and even better, as we continue to heal and love and grow together.

For now, Laurie is right. We need to wrap this up and let the body rest, no matter how much we want to keep working. If we go to bed now, we won't have to sleep in as much, and we'll have earlier time to work tomorrow, which is better for focus and processing ability. So we will do that.

Good night everyone. We're very glad to be alive tonight. We have a lot of hope.

(Jay says Spotify keeps playing Chaos 0's songs and let me tell you, if anyone is proof that our heart is alive, it's Jay. Yeah we're still confused on bloodlines and bodymind splits and all that, but this white-haired prism-hearted boy-- however he may evolve and change in the future-- is so full of light and love and color and truth, when he feels things this powerfully we are all affected by the power of it. The fact that he didn't die is phenomenal. he's proof that we have a future. that's just how it is. he's alive and so are we. that's a good note to close up on.)
(no, even better-- the lyrics in this song. "i can tell, i can feel, you are love, you are real." the look those two are giving each other is a beautiful thing. that's worth living for, is the thought i get. it is. and we need to protect that, and we all need to live in that too. we'll get there. we'll rebuild better than things were even in the past, in the glory days. there's more light on the horizon than we realize. things have seemed so dark for so long, but no, the stars are still all shining in the sky. there's always hope. hope is a fighting thing. remember what jay told anxi-- remember what our core is for anxi, and vice versa. realize everything beautiful we still have now, and don't let go. whatever happens tomorrow, we are all together, and we are alive, and we will continue on no matter what, into eternity. love is eternal and we have it now. don't be afraid. you know the truth. live in it. fight for it. that's who we are, and always will be.)

"nsfw" warning for open discussion of intimacy.

 

1228. thursday.



We woke up around 8:30, and spent approximately 20 minutes in the frigid beautiful dawn, deciding whether or not we should go for a run.
...Actually, that's the problem. We didn't decide. Our poor sleepy social frontrunner(s) was/were trying to decide on his/her/their own, worried about whether or not it was "bad" to leave the Arrows alone and asleep, to get food for later in the day, to have any sort of opinion or preference or decisive thought. They were asking for "signs from God" to "tell them what to do," something Tilly and Iscah used to do constantly-- looking for "yes" or "no," "stay" or "go" in the words they saw on printed packages all around them, not trusting a single one because "what if it's my brain wanting to see a certain result?" Those poor frightened good-hearted souls. They are so afraid, so afraid to do the "wrong thing" that the simple reality of an undefined reality terrifies them. They want morality laid out in front of them clear-cut and unquestionable, undoubtable... but they look for righteousness with their mind, not their hearts. Their poor hearts are so full of love but it's getting choked under the whirling moral fear of their thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with buying food. There is nothing wrong with going for a run. There is nothing wrong with liking the cold air against your face, and there is nothing wrong with being too tired and chilled to want to throw yourself back into it after 5 hours of sleep. There is nothing wrong with waking, or resting, or sitting, or exercising, or eating, or fasting, or anything. Life is life is life-- it's all the purest white, a blank canvas, a blank musical score, an empty plate, all of it waiting with utmost divine affection for us to decide. 
That's the beautiful terrible beloved reality of life, of free will, of human consciousness, of the infinite possibility of the world, of the unfathomable palette of existence. It's all a work of art waiting to happen. It needs an artist, and That Which Is-- God, or Goddess, or Source, or Light, or whatever you may wish to call that primordial spark of the cosmos, that original Artist, that first Musician-- couldn't help but create a universe full of artists to join in the joyous act. 
We adore that. Creation creating itself, ad infinitum, through us. An endless dance. 
So it's inherently blank. Not white, not black. It's clear, like a prism, and we're all lights passing through it, splitting our lives into swathes of color. Everything and anything we do contributes to it, and none of it is judged, none of it is labeled as "good" or "bad"... none of it, that is, save for what our own mind labels it as.
We have a lot of thoughts on this, from years upon years of feeling and thinking both, and there's no time or space to expand on it here furthermore... but for now, suffice to say that those frontrunners of ours this morning were unable to trust their own hearts, were unable to see themselves as capable of doing anything But the "wrong thing." They were labeling all their paints as "bad" before they even opened them. Poor beloved fellow souls of ours. We adore them. We know their hearts. We feel their aching desire to be harmless and helpful, to be kind and true and good and pure, but they have let fear in, and fear only knows itself. Therefore, whatever decision they made, they would second-guess it. They would be too scared to surrender to the quiet warmth of their hearts, to listen to That echoed within them, to realize that whatever they ultimately chose, the canvas had opened its own heart to them and sang, paint. Create. Choose a color, any color, and continue me. 
God doesn't mind if you run or walk or rest or sleep or eat or not. God just wants you to act according to your heart, to your dearly beloved heart, for it can do no wrong. We firmly believe that. It is the core of our faith.
If God is Love, and our hearts are built for Love, then if we act upon that Love, everything and anything we do is sacred. Every choice we make is holy. 

To wake up with that lesson... we had no idea how relevant it would remain for the rest of the morning.

We went for the run. Someone wanted to get bacon and ginger and cinnamon and lettuce, and so we wrapped ourselves up in Kyo's scarf and Jewel's red boots and we jogged down to the local grocery store to do so.

We don't remember the run up, save for passing a fellow jogger by the bus stop, and we don't remember much of being in the store itself. Our brain was tired and confused and still scared, tangled up in "do I buy for the family or for myself," scared of making a foolish decision, scared of acting on impulse, scared of being spontaneous, scared of being neglectful. Memory recalls them buying two Christmas candles that were on sale, left over from that one day two weeks ago or so when we planned on buying them but had no money for luxuries. So basketed them both (one red spice, one vanilla cookie) and then memory cuts out again.
We don't remember coming home and going to bed or waking up. What few things we do recall are so soaked in guilt that we're being begged not to write them down, but we have to be honest, we can't hide anymore. They bought bananas and a tiny tin of oats with the intention of making banana bread, and one ripe orange to see if they still liked the taste (Iscah did; she likes everything, and the other socials still haven't differentiated between her preferences and their own), as well as a package of oregano for the same purpose, and four mini-pizzas for the family. They did get the bacon, and the candles, and the ginger & cinnamon, and that's all we can remember. It's not shameful, loves, I promise. They're just so guilty about buying oats; they knew they'd get in huge trouble if Oliver found out, so they hid them in the closet. They're crying upstairs, loves it's okay. You just wanted to try once more, remembering that one time Someone liked them, but someone else got horribly sick from them, but you don't want to hate anything, you want to know the truth, you wanted to check now that our brain is in a better place. But loves, oh loves, you bought it with fear, with guilt, with shame. You'll never know if it's healed, or if anyone likes it, if that's the mindset you go into it with. And you don't trust our intuition either, which is wincing at the thought of eating them again, remembering past contexts of pain and fear and compulsion. But, again, Iscah liked it, she treasured it, and you just want to learn to do the same. Not now, loves. Now's not the proper time, not if you're still terrified. Once your heart can release that shameful panic, you can learn properly, that door will be open. But it's okay. We forgive you. You're safe and loved and you did nothing wrong. We promise. Everything you did was done out of love, too, even if it didn't know how to safely apply itself. We love you, and we know you love us and the Arrows and everyone too. It's okay. You're good. We love you.  

So we don't remember going to bed, or waking up later. All we remember is sudden groggy kisses and someone, some poor social, wanting to cry from it because they were wracked with guilt and shame and couldn't feel that pure affection in return although they were begging God to, and then suddenly our beloved System anthem of Familiarity was playing in their head and Lotusheart was called out to that confetti chorus, that soaring heart-wrenching prayer, and it broke our heart wide open and suddenly he could return the love pressing softly against our lips and chest and self, God knows I mean it, God help me feel it, and our memory is just as soft with golden light in response, tearful and joyful and desperate to hold this forever, forever.

And then Infinitii showed up, soft and black and just as sleepy in the body, but with a mouth full of grinning loving teeth and the next thing we knew, Omen was there and she pulled Infi onto their chest and suddenly we woke up, aware and in love, and fangs met skin and we were alive again. Thank God for daemons. Thank God.
They just adore each other. There's always fangs tearing at flesh with the ardent desire to get beneath that, to blood and pulse points, but there's no malice, no harm-- just love, always love. The two of them, all kisses and claws, smoky shadowy laughter and snowy frigid gasps and humming and growling and I love you, where are your wings, why can't you be closer, this isn't fair, I love you--

Then suddenly we're hearing them saying that it isn't just Omen, that it's Kris and Oliver and Hiccup and who is around for us, where are We? 
Immediately Chaos Zero shows up, feeling like the ocean in our chest, saying that there's more of us around than you think," and then Genesis is on his heels, smirking golden bright and biting their cheek in a kiss, and then Laurie was there for a moment, and I was there, and Celebi was there, and then suddenly EVERYONE was there, wanting to feel this love, to give our love, to be part of this, to make this everyone's.
Everyone in Central moved through. Lynne, Spine, Javier, Josephina, Celebi, Nathaniel, Leon, Waldorf, Julie, Sherlock, Wattson, Eros, Kyaneos, Algorith, Jude... Knife, Razor, Mulberry, Jeremiah, Wreckage, Leanne... even the kids, David and Marigold and Simeon & Sylvain and Toby and Ashen, all of them shyly moved through too in the quieter moments, happy and hugging our partner System, deeply simply joyfully happy that they were safe, they were loved, and they could feel it.
Lynne pointedly kissing Omen with this secret sneaky joy at kissing a 'girl' in another System, Nathaniel learning to live openly, not as quiet and docile as he usually stays, hidden in green... Waldorf finally feeling herself, eyes red as rubies and smiling with her own teeth as she returned kisses without hesitation. Julie purposefully anchoring her lipstick and earrings into her overlay, refusing to reject her complete self anymore, tearfully treasuring the fact that even looking like this, a color scheme switch away from looking like she did as the ultimate nightmare of our nascent System, she was truly and completely loved, and she felt the same in return. Sherlock taking off his glasses and trying as hard as he could to truly feel this love too, to saturate his Gray with hidden color and light... Wattson there alongside him, smiling warmly at his friend's quiet scholarly courage, himself unafraid to show affection colored the same sunlit-page glow as he. Eros fronting for the first time in ages, still unsure on his name but being fiercely anchored into his true color, richly Cerise and feeling it in every atom as he channeled it through his every action... Jude fronting for the first time ever since his birth, not knowing himself yet but knowing he had been called here, knowing this was love and that was what he was born from and into, and he let it happen and let himself reciprocate simply but truly. Kyaneos wobbly in fronting as well, only there for a moment but feeling like a breath full of sky...Algorith smirking in amusement as she felt her goggles brushing against their face as they kissed her, felt how strange but lovely it was against her own robotic mouth. 
Josephina ended up being spoken to at some point, and I can feel his nervous surprised happy laughter as he returned a love bite in spite of his hesitance, in spite of feeling he "didn't deserve to be in such a position," realizing that he was in fact included in this global love and he had every right to embrace that. Leon, too, suddenly being wrapped in an embrace, breathing deep to still his shaking nerves, bravely relaxing into that closeness that was still so alien to him, learning. Spine curiously feeling hands on skin that she personally did not own, amazed at it. Javier feeling kisses on our collarbones and momentarily being surprised that their teeth didn't catch on his dermal studs, feeling his own snakebites and tongue stud and bridge piercings every time he ardently kissed them back, or when they peppered his/our own face with tiny kisses of their own. Altairre was hovering behind him, then in place of him, learning how to be in a body, learning about his own body, his huge broad red shoulders the only things clearly anchoring in, the suggestion of massive armor-like hands over our body's own. everything else about him still a mystery.
And I swear Scalpel was there, too. He's been in Javier's peripheral vision lately, seen only by him, his Red prince, this leader of the Darkspacers. We have no clear memory of him fronting, but there's the smallest bit of data that he did, just for a moment, a fiercely glad kiss, defying everything lurking in the depths he ruled over, a simple profound testament to what we were and would forever be in glorious spite of any and all terrors we did and will survive.
Knife was only there for a moment (and later, kissing the knuckles of their soft white hands), but he was entirely his color, claret pink, dark and soft and sweet. Razor followed him, also only there for a moment, letting herself curl up like a purring cat in the latter half of a kiss that felt just as warm as their hands soft in her blood-red shock of childlike-messy hair. Mulberry's twirling hair and facial scruff locking in immediately as she fronted, herself content to be there albeit surprised, wondering why she had been isolating herself from this. Jeremiah suddenly fearlessly soft in his own Cerise tone, kissing and being kissed, knowing there was no danger here. David knowing he wasn't comfortable with kisses on the mouth but still wanting to feel this love, and Joshua moved in affectionately to share that with him while returning that gesture in his stead. Marigold hugging the Arrows and smiling with her face in their shoulder, and Toby quietly moving in with her, suddenly alive and not knowing this but knowing he needed this, to be loved, to be safe and warm. 
Simeon & Sylvain showed up sometime elsewhen, with Infinitii, as they had spoken about this previously. Infi affectionately embraced them with one arm and let them share in hir deep black love, safely for them, but just as deep and pure as they needed to know. Both of them feeling it entirely, like anise gumdrops on their tongue, sweet and spiced and light and heavy all at once. They held each other inside and smiled, knowing four years ago they had been torn in two, separated by sudden death and despair, and now they were together, and alive, and loved and safe and free. Both of them such a soft light creamy yellow tint against that velvet black, both of them like french vanilla and banana cream pie, little sweet fluffy things held in the arms of something fathomlessly rich and dark, perfectly happy.


Rio and Markus were there, both of them feeling more joy than they even expected of themselves, finally feeling that they belonged, not just with us but here, with them, exactly as they were, as whoever they'd grow into being as we all continued in this loving growing process. Markus's back tattoos and chest scars and warm dark skin tone searing into our collective memory, Rio's lovely shaggy smoke-blue hair and paler delicate but craft-calloused fingers doing the same. Both of them so belovedly real, our collective heart treasuring this, missing them.
Their Daemons, too, were so clear and real, relishing their time with Omen, learning how to Be more strongly than ever. Lethe moving like dark blue poured out, all spindly legs but heavy and darkly elegant as water. Medallion fronted more than she Ever has before, shockingly lithe and graceful, all points and edges but still as poised as a dancer. She holds the body's hands so uniquely, almost cradling our beloveds with the sides of our hands, the flats of her blades. And yes, she too has learned how to facemouth, but I can still feel her actual main stomachmouth dormant and unusable when she fronts. Lethe, too, as well as the rest of his long insectoid body that does't translate.
On that note, both Rupture and Cake tried to front, but were too strange in form to come through so easily and suddenly, especially since neither of them have experience in a human form before. Rupture's overlay was a terrific burst of nonsense below our plexus, totally nonhuman, a crablike clatter of legs-- and if that wasn't bad enough, she cannot get a facemouth to work at all, and kept trying to talk out of her throat like she normally would. But she was aware that this wasn't the shape she was currently borrowing, even though the huge dissonance made her consciousness terribly hazy, and she was both surprised and intrigued by this. In memory, I can feel her filing this away in her mind, thinking upon it, what it means to Be, now, tangibly and real even away from her nebulous heart-host. And Cake, too, body too lithe and long to understand legs or  bipedal arm structure, let alone such a small face, still trying to figure herself out in the first place... but trying nevertheless, called in by the other Daemons' existences, herself also now feeling glimmers of wanting to Be, briefly wondering Who she was, who she was bound to, what it meant for her to exist at all now... wondering at her own shape, her own color, how many eyes she would have on her face should she choose to open some. Both of those monstrous girls only there for a few seconds, if that, but both of them remembered dearly, both of them real.
Nexus was there too, and Axis and Chocoloco and Iolite and Jess, every Daemon losing themselves in the ardor of things, all of them always madly in love with each other, and every nousfoni flooding with grateful relief at this love that they too were now a part of, seen and treasured for exactly who they were, unafraid.
Nexus didn't front long, unusually, choosing to let his fellows have the spotlight, choosing to stay within with Laurie, who was also mostly missing from this whole affair, hesitantly learning what she could and couldn't do, learning the difference between fear and simple preference and function clashes. But Jess and Iolite were there, not for long but long enough, both of them temporarily but truly releasing their frustration and sorrow to feel a new but complete love and acceptance that they'd previously only felt from their Daemons, both of them tearful with happiness, arms flung around the shoulders that embraced them in turn, their colors clear and healthy and good.
Axis and his skeletal fingers, huge and weirdly fused at the metacarpals, looking like bleached bone or plaster or old ruins, covered in tiny plants and fungi and moss and fluttering insects, his eyes deep spruce-green and surprisingly soft with compassion. Chocoloco, too, feeling more love than anyone previously expected of him, all coffee-harsh anger and fierce red-slash eyes, but here he was melted chocolate and cherry jelly and there was a depth to the kisses he delivered like his throat opened up into an endless warmth, deep down. A totally different vastness than Infinitii, a striking contrast to Axis's flung-open birdcage ribs, to Nexus's galaxian entrails studded with gold-hot lanterns. All of them so strange, so clear, so real. God bless Daemons, I'll say it forever. There's something about them, even just touching this form so temporarily with their lives, that makes us, too, feel like we're more real than ever, like we're something etched into the very essence of things, lead-lined stained glass figures in the church of existence. Indelible and true. It's a blessed wonder.

The Archivist trio showed up at one point, too-- Garrison first, almost as hesitant as Leon but driven by the love and pursuit of understanding, of System knowledge, and ended up getting his lip bitten, aha. He took it like a champ, learning that this was something others in both our Systems did in love, and I can feel his mind and heart opening a bit more in that memory, becoming less tense, less paranoid. Bless our Archivists, they all have Protector hearts in their own way.
Isadora and Kalisha were there too, of course, but they ended up in embraces, and Isadora had a split second of actual disappointment at not being kissed before smiling and laughing genuinely and just melting into that hug. Love is love and she was glad to have it, to be there. She actually drew Kalisha in with her, the two fronting side by side, and then unexpectedly, Kalisha in turn reached out to find Karissa! She hasn't been around in many many months, but those name sisters have forged a sort of passive fondness, and so even if our Chartreuse Protector wasn't all there, this experience still touched her heart too, and if anything can wake up a dormant nousfoni to themselves and the world, it's being loved On the outside. So we'll see how this affects her in the future.

One after another, flowing like blood and water and sunlight, a quiet multitude moved through this newly-beloved body to experience that same affection and compassion and devotion anew, whether or not we'd ever touched it before. Every time is the first time. That's the miraculous thing about it. It never gets old, never ceases to amaze us, never ceases to hit us as clear and true as an arrow to the heart.

And then Infinitii was back and someone was asking us, had been meaning to ask us for a long time now, can we do something, do you trust us, and the quiet careful deliberate emotion in their voice was like a singing glass in our heart and we said yes, Infi said yes, (please, whatever you want, I want), I trust you, we trust you, we love you too.

 

...I cannot even put into words how suddenly, starkly alive and adored we felt.

 

So many of us were there. So many of us. It was a total shock, but thank God it happened. 
Infinitii was there at the start, but suddenly and totally, Julie was there. Thinking about it, I'm not surprised. This is the sort of thing that her original days as a Tar-corrupted hacker were inundated with. In the past, the very thought of this would have had us kicking and screaming and looking for knives or pills or worse. We had suffered this enough, never again.
...Except that's not what this is. It's NEVER what this is. What we were experiencing now was love, total and pure, and Julie knew it, and if anyone in the System was going to make damn sure that was crystal clear, it was her.

But... Lord. So many of us were there. Lynne and Spine, Waldorf and Josephina, Eros, Markus... and then when the Arrows moved to kiss us, suddenly Celebi was there, her heart strangely aching and determined, and she said no, don't stop. Go back. I need to know what this is like. I need to know.
And it hit me, that even if she didn't live through the beginning of 2012, her heart did. Her bloodline did, inevitably. Tar-mangled or not, her soul was affected by both the love and pain of that time, and she had just as much a right and reason and responsibility as Julie to be there right now. 


...There's so little literal memory, at least, nothing that translates into structured language. Everything is color, light, emotion. 



----------------------------------------------------------

(rough notes, from the Arrow's writing on this, as their memory is inevitably different than ours)

(currently unfinished; it's 6am so we will refine this later.)


(eucharist feelings again, on both sides apparently. "being/essence/spirit." SEAWATER.)


omen, oliver, kristanova, hiccup, kyo. the fact that all of them were there... what that does to our heart is inexpressible, but we have to try. 
just... all of them. they love us that much. ALL of them. and god we adore them all too, we hope they know, we need to make sure they know, they deserve that so dearly.



javier after, embracing them like his heart would break, "thank you so much for this being the next morning." choked with tears.
swearing we'd never leave them, ever. "you have all of our heartbeats" and "we just want ours to beat next to yours."
"four years ago there wasn't much left behind that." his FEELING that time, that emptiness, barely 10 left.


(feeling their heartbeat, after, pounding and sincere. genuinely shocked that THEY were feeling for US in this. that hadn't even crossed our mind. that's sadly telling as to our past, to expect that this sort of thing was devoid of emotion from the other, but what bliss in that assumption being proven false.)

infi laughing like every easter carillon in the universe. the joy endless, all love and light like stars brilliant against the limitless cosmos. ze could not keep it in, could not help it, could not stop. it was beautiful.
"good things come in threes"
hir eyes were open. just like at the eclipse. feeling so completely, totally hirself, that hir overlay was flat-out eyes and teeth both and ze couldn't be otherwise. couldn't be half, as ze was feeling too whole.

oliver asking if "this was one of the things ze hoped for" 
later when he told me this, i immediately remembered this, the first time that was openly referenced in any form. lord we were terrified even that recently.



"this is like the first time i was with jay" 
"this is what i am-- pure transmutation"
the FEELING in those statements. god.


JULIE'S DAEMON. 
I FELT HER TEETH.
we were worried about her; since her "birth" last week or so she's been almost impossible to see. but now, good lord, today she came through clear as anything, hard as infi almost. she's still half (hot pink) viperfish and that mouth is Unmistakable in her overlay. all those huge needle teeth. and her other half appearance-wise is a feathered serpent, and that too is obvious-- she feels so sinuous when fronting, so elegant but lethal, so much bigger than the body.
the arrows say her voice is similar: hissing, seductive, beautiful. i don't doubt it. i have no idea what she said, or how it felt, but i can feel the echo of it, tinged with the lipstick terror of the old julie days, that sort of warzone femininity, and i wouldn't expect anything less of her. 
julie and her daemon were cofronting so hard, so totally. practically sharing the same breaths. their very beings meshing perfectly together, blurring into one, without losing any of their individuality.


DENDRITE!!!!
came out when the arrows were asking who was there? julie and her daemon responded first i think, then suddenly,
"and me, me, me, me"
FRONTING more solidly than ever, her spindly arms and claws and tentacles and feelers SO clear in her overlay, her color clearer than even that, a beautiful rich pastel red, glossy like flowers and candy apples and heart lockets
she was struggling to talk, couldn't get her voice to translate on such short sudden notice
"i don't have a voice of my own yet but i found her, i found her, i found her!!" "i found mine, she's mine!" not ownership, but recognition of the most blissfully aching sort. pure joy, overwhelming joy, weeping from it.
and THAT JEWEL. the pinkish one, different hair-- no klonoa ears!-- from 2004 or so. heartspace anchor. the one who was in love. i can feel her exact vibe now, in music. i know her soundtrack. but she resonated EXACTLY with dendrite's own heart, embracing her as her own, both of them so happy, so in love with each other's souls, like every daemon and their host should be, and ultimately always always are.


eros, "how could anyone call this selfish," feeling that so powerfully and unquestionably, that needs to be global.
that sad old religious-mangled teaching that to want to be loved was wrong. that to receive love was manipulative or demanding or otherwise sinful. that's a lie. this proved it.
remembering what chaos zero said on the porch. "there's nothing wrong with wanting love returned for love," effectively. it being a divinely mutual force. love naturally reciprocates itself, it aches for it, and that's pure as anything. 
us lying there, holding them, and eros recognizing immediately that we were feeling such deep love towards them, for them, about them, it wasn't selfish at all, but it ironically wasn't self"less" either. it recognized our selves and their selves, and it adored them both/all, and it wanted to share in that forever, and that is love.


one of their tears falling directly into our right eye. the exact sting of seawater. it was utterly transcendent, holy.


me, touching their chest, dying from love and holy fear, "who am i to dare"
then realizing we, too, have a heart just like that




------------------------------------------------------------------

we didn't get out of bed until like... 4:30. no regrets, ever. no better use of a day than this sincerity, this total living.

kristanova made the dearly-loved after-breakfast tradition of grits, eggs, & bacon (lord who would have expected This future for it that first morning he cooked for us, months ago). it was amazing.

we watched an episode of sense8, "i have no room in my heart for hate," as we haven't watched that show in months either, and we were feeling it so hard this morning, with how headspacey it is, with how much more clearly we are living as systems now and how much more clearly we can understand both the people and the topics of the show as well.

...

(we typed ALL NIGHT)

 

 

 

 

 

11:59 am.

 

please remember:
WE DON’T EVER HAVE TO GO "BACK."




----------------------------------

TWO binge eating alters???
one boy, one girl

boy ISN'T jayce?? CLOSE though. maybe brothers. bleedover?
looks like kid in the subeta avatar version.
but this boy eats and eats and doesn't have any shame or thoughts of repercussions??
ALL the eating disorder alters have NO THOUGHT TO CONSEQUENCES, and even if you do tell them, they can't comprehend it. like you can tell this boy that no, he can't eat a gallon of ice cream and twelve tortillas, it'll hurt and he'll get horribly sick. but he'll just smile and laugh it off and eat it anyway because he literally CANNOT grasp the concept of food having consequences after the eating.
have a feeling this poor boy is going to have to endure a razor-caliber realization event and it's going to hurt like hell but it NEEDS to happen in order for him to shed this toxicity.

girl has the "eating is slutty but I'm going to eat anyway because I'm just a filthy slut" devil-may-care feeling. vaguely like sharona, jezebel. but carelessly flippant.
literally doesn't listen to or acknowledge any guilt/shame on that because it's CRUSHING and she literally exists to eat without us wanting to die on the spot when we're like that. so it's a horrifically damaged anchor, but it's obvious that it was a vital survival mechanism at that old house. a heartbreakingly infuriating fact.

remember, the e.d. is TIED TO SEXUAL TRAUMA.
this applies to them, too

eating around others, even PICTURES of others, makes us feel like a dirty slut. swallowing food feels like a mortal sin, like a lewd scandal.
it's unbearable.

----------------------------------

SCREAMING/CONDEMNING GIRL VOICE
messy as hell hair

"YOU'RE FUCKING DISGUSTING" "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF" etc.
saying the word "tortilla," ("YOU STUPID FUCKING DISGRACE, YOU SOUND LIKE A FOOL"), thinking about this evening on the couch ("NO! NO!! DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT!! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A DIRTY WHORE!!!") etc.
she's TORMENTED. she's full of rage born from crushing shame and pain.


"I DON'T WANT TO BE HELD!! THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING!!! --YOU SLUT!!!"
why is being held disgusting
"YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!! IT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!"
How is that wrong?
BECAUSE THEY'RE TOUCHING YOU!!!!! SEXUALLY!!!!!!!!! IT'S DISGUSTING AND WRONG!!!!!!!
Being held is not sexual. You hold babies, for heavens sakes.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS TERRIBLY SEXUAL, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO BE SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tangled, long hair. wants to die. resonates with deadname, no surprise.
siren assumption?

ollie talking about kissing and infi

"YOURE BOTH DISGUSTING"
"you little slut."

and suddenly I realize there are TWO of them

and the latter one is jezebel.

...good lord. we didn't realize she, and the tar/plague by extension, still existed so solidly.
the very thought makes our stomach flip inside out

---------------

"I want to die" "existence is so dirty and disgusting"
"I hate being alive, I feel so disgusting"
"how can you stand to let them love you when we're so filthy dirty wrong?"

made us throw up dinner because "I'm so embarrassed (a piece was dropped on the floor) I can't stand it; I feel so disgusting and wrong, I have to get that OUT of me" etc.

all of this tied to family toxicity and abuse
NEED to continue healing no matter how scary it gets.
that place is gone, gone, gone, gone FOREVER
we have to scrub that muck out of our guts and leave it all behind for good



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


phone notes =

0819 15:55

NEW SPECTRUM COLORS!!
AMBER, GOLD, EVERGREEN, MAGENTA, SILVER?
COPPER???
check leagueworld files, FEEL OUT RESONANCES.

COLOR TRIADS
change from single resonances.
HEART/MIND/FORM COLOR COMBOS???
THINK TYPECODES!! ♥

COLOR REALM STRUCTURE CHANGE
floating??? global connections, not just two each.

"NEW" NOUSFONI ROLES
intercessors, redemptors, endurers, formspacers, bodyguards, relivers???
"tormentors" possibly being referred to as "persecutors" as that's a legit psychological term that seems to fit

feeling a HUGE unitive shift on the horizon. big entry on that needs to happen soon.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

11:00 pm

 

today.

moving out of the family house FOREVER.

and moving in with the broken arrows.

----------------

we woke up at like... 4am.

the flight was gorgeous. since we were leaving so early (like 6am), the morning fog was rolling off the rivers and surrounding the mountains. and the sun was just rising, so everything felt magical, pale indigo-silver and warming golden peach-pinks. it was beautiful.

JESSICA-- we think-- began to panic and sob uncontrollably (upstairs) as we lifted into the air. she kept looking back at where our family house would be, looking at all the familiar landmarks below-- the church, the garage, the shopping center, etc.-- and realizing this may be the last time we see it. or, if not, it will likely be years before we see it again.
she couldn't bear it. she missed our grandmother so much she was choking on her sorrow. she was begging us to reconsider, to go back, "please let us go home," telling us this was wrong, we were abandoning our family and our religion and we were being bad and stupid and selfish and blind and we NEEDED to go back to our family.
patiently, worriedly, compassionately, we reassured her. we showed her the memories of the past week, the past month, the past year, the past several years. we showed her that times now are tragically VERY different from what she remembers. her memory of life, notably of the birth family, is STUCK in like... i dont know, 2004? 2006? i have no idea. but it's at the time when the yellow light in the kitchen was warm, not a warning. it's when our grandmother laughed and sang and danced with our grandfather to polkas in that same room, did jigsaw puzzles on the table, made pizza on saturdays and watched lawrence welk on the tv and everything felt perfect and beautiful and loving.
but... as we showed her, then and now, she shocked us by saying she DID know how things were now. but she couldn't accept it. the grandmother now, depressed and controlling and panicky and angry and toxic, was NOT the "real her" and Jessica was dead convinced that if we left that woman now, she'd die. she'd lose ALL chance of "returning to who she was." according to jess, it was our love that would save her and heal her, and if we left her... all was lost.
i will admit, our stomach bottomed out as we considered this. but then we realized, just as nauseatedly, that we HAD been doing those things. we never stopped loving her or caring about her.
and yet... when we came back from the sideways trip, she insisted we hated her. that we hated everyone. that we hated god. no matter what we did or said, she wouldn't change her mind.
jessica can't accept that. not entirely. it's too painful.
but... she at least admitted that it was true.

----------------

airport.

lying in bed with oliver.
on porch, just sleeping on the cat pillow.
lying together on the couch.

nat and leon kissing ollie
infi and I cofronting a bit, feeling like that ink

"I NEED MY WINGS"

phone tarot readings, asking god to speak through them. SUPER ACCURATE.

going to eat lunch with oliver and mason! really awesome.
fried perch, fried okra, etc. extremely good, very happy about that

anchor and fishhook bracelets.

trying super hard to eat a good dinner. ALMOST made it.
then someone forced too much and we felt dirty and wrong and that triggered an abusive binge meltdown.
but god knows we tried. we really tried.

also god knows we needed this to happen because we LEARNED A LOT FROM IT.

tons of shame about the simple act of eating. especially talking about it.
"messy" meals are automatically deserving of damnation, essentially

 

 

tuesday morning.
oh my god.
infi and ollie.

slept for barely three hours, got up and took a deep breath and decided to do some affectionate shopping. brought up google maps, suited up with our wallet and iridescent backpack, and with no small dose of daring love-induced courage, moseyed out onto the street and headed straight down to food lion.
they needed things and we needed to tangibly show that we loved and appreciated and cared for them BOTH, especially in little everyday ways. tiny acts of giving and compassion. it was such a NEED, to show that. so we did.

the walk was really, really beautiful. legit jogged the whole way though, yes on three hours of sleep. genesis came with us and it was just this absolutely incredible feeling. free and full of love and purpose.

stopped at subway and bought kristanova a meatball sub. extra meat. we couldn't not, after he mentioned it on saturday. also bonus doritos for mason
got home an exact hour later.

day out with ollie again!! good. we adore that.

stopping at save point
DARKSIDERS I & II FOR TEN FREAKIN DOLLARS WHAT EVEN

FOREST!!!
god we could have wept the ENTIRE TIME. it just hit our heart so hard. we forgot how ardently we love the woods.

the water and the sunlight sparkling on it.
snapping turtles and dragonflies and tiny fish.
komorebi.
it was flying weather the entire time, we could have soared

DEIFIC "CELEBI?"

 

dreamworld prophetic feeling. so hugely important. bench, eros and jay to oliver about how "sacred sexuality" ties into the woods?
"breaking the veil" through wounds; same concept
THORNS = WOUNDS = BLOOD = PULSE POINTS = SACRED LOVE

"music of the spheres" being a BLACK sound

JESSICA MEETING KYO!!!!!!!!!!

afterwards, celebi singing "good morning, good morning!" and stuffing a bouquet of blue lily flowers in my face, saying I "had to meet her sister"
literally felt like waking up from a dream

spine
BROWN MUSIC = PERCUSSIVE, MELODIC

nathaniel
NOT komorebi green!!! dark underside of trees green.
but NOT ivy or pine tree green either!!!

jewel taking all the pamphlets on bat houses

ollie winded after walking through the field
infi sitting on my bed, knees curled up to chest and arms wrapped around them, eye fixed on him through our vision, "just let me stay close to hear that"
and "I love when humans sound like that"
chaos zero quietly responded "so do I"

 

this morning:

KERRY??????????? WALDORF'S SISTER??????
POSSIBLE LIME HOLDER. NO IDEA.
her anchor vibe is still super strong and we haven't seen her SINCE Waldorf "went to sleep" but whoa. talk about a surprise. definitely looking into this


tonight:
movies! transformers.

scene with laurie fighting. lynne joins, with shield. then julie, with whip-- realizes it doesn't fit her anymore.
laurie gets "stabbed through" with tar. jay immediately realizes that he was "assuming she'd be OK" but there was NO guarantee of that. so he just as quickly reaches out and telekinetically "pulls out" the tar and she heals. laurie looks to him, shocked at this

laurie despairing over feeling like she wasn't getting anywhere with fighting?
questioning her purpose again
no matter how hard she fought, they fought back just as hard

jay runs into the middle of the battlefield, "maybe it's not about fighting that way"
just shines; lotus-heart crystal feeling. tar literally cannot go near him

laurie starts tearfully laughing at this
mentions the "beating our swords into plowshares" verse

then the environment shifted?
everything became crystal-clear, white vibe, but not stark?
including our bodies
hearts visible, all colored our spectrum hues
laurie immediately wrapped her arms around her chest, eyes flooding with tears

javier standing in doorway, "what does it mean that we all bleed red?" also crying quietly over this thought

sherlock downstairs, blood was SILVER.
put his arms up to the air, "I'm part of this System," really hit him hard for once. deep "centralite" vibe in him. blessed
wreckage runs down stairs, as she does everything shifts back to normal (sense that the Spectrum itself would not force anyone who was "not ready" to experience that clear-vulnerable state)
in tears though. asking sherlock, "is gold my color, or his?" referencing watson.
we're not sure. watson still has no face inside. we'll have to help him out


josephina & waldorf talking later? about their purposes. jo's original "anti-id" role.

everyone getting emotional over the movie. julie screaming "no, no!!!" when people were dying. laurie looking a total wreck, "I've never felt so helpless;" wanted to jump in and fight off the attackers, but couldn't. leon weeping and being unable to watch
brief "heartspace" visit to scene though; laurie just put her arms out and tapped into inherent Violet energy? HUGE bass rumble like thunder, feeling like she was pulling some cosmic force out of the earth

mention of angel helmet later. laurie still carries it in her personal pocketspace apparently. also her laurel crown, which SEEMS CONNECTED TO IT??? it, too, gives her a gold-based form shift.
MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT COLOR.

most importantly, who was out most but JEWEL!!!
realizing that SHE is STILL the one who can "reach OUT" and walk into other worlds; also, like Jay, she LOVES EVERYONE but in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT WAY.
Jewel could casually kiss and flirt with everyone around with no reticence or shame or hesitation, BUT she could never be in a relationship with any of them. jay, on the other hand, cannot be casual on the outside!! he's one-on-one intimate and close with people, and ONLY on the INSIDE. whereas Jewel doesn't have any such connections with nousfoni???? she's ONLY OUTSPACERS.
but only Jewel can GET people from outside inside in order to BE close to Jay.

ALSO. 'feeling out' rio and markus in all this; we KNOW someone inside us still loves them, but it's NOT Jay, not like that at least. they're still heartspace-rooted, still a totally different level; they CAN'T be close to Jay as a result.
but we THINK Jewel is, still?? at least one of them.

also thinking CANNON-- the ORIGINAL one, with the red hair-- was the one in love with JC & DP???
still learning to feel out who feels what inside. but it's getting easier, and it's so beautiful to really realize that NONE of the love we've EVER felt has faded. it's just held by different people.

on that note, the Jewel who's our "core sister" is NOT the one from 2006 or so who is in love with Davy. that's POSSIBLY hoseki, not sure. still a jewel, but might not even have the klonoa hair??? we'll see!

later, markus & rio talking to THAT^ jewel (I think?) about they possibly having their OWN "pentagape" group, but theirs would be a hexagon, assuming their daemons were all involved???
jewel saying "I don't think dendrite would be interested" but markus interjects, surprisingly adamantly, "that's because you don't talk to her." which is true.
also realizing that rio's "yami" is VERY similar to Laurie (always was) and that rio probably loves him terribly BUT he's so hidden and keeps getting corrupted by outside sources; system probably keeping him from being around at all r/n to keep him safe in that sense?
"phoenix" is entirely his own thing though.
in any cases the "yami" phenomenon as it exists in headspace is still a total anomaly; they were all very "malevolent" during that triple incident BUT that's because they are super vulnerable to TAR/PLAGUE INFLUENCE just like daemons can be so yeah that whole thing needs to be very much reviewed and looked into currently.
NEED to go back and reread that stuff with them, solidify their history in our present memory.

HEARTSPACE AND HEADSPACE WERE MADE TO WORK TOGETHER.
JAY & THE NOUSFONI ARE ANCHORED IN HEADSPACE.
JEWEL & THE OTHERSPACERS ARE ANCHORED IN HEARTSPACE.
BUT NOUSFONI BENEFIT INCREDIBLY FROM VISITING HEARTSPACE; THAT IS WHERE DEEPLY IMPORTANT, INFINITE-POSSIBILITY SCENARIOS OCCUR BASED ON OUR HEARTS AND THEY ALLOW FOR MASSIVE PERSONAL GROWTH THAT CANNOT HAPPEN IN HEADSPACE WITHOUT OUTSIDE TRIGGERS.
THIS IS WHY JEWEL NEVER HAD TROUBLE; SHE WAS ABLE TO LEARN ALL HER "TRAUMA LESSONS" ON THE INSIDE INSTEAD OF SEEKING INCITEMENT FOR SUCH OUTSIDE AS HEADSPACE TENDS TO DO.
SO, IF WE START ACTIVELY VISITING HEARTSPACE MORE OFTEN, POSSIBLY JOINING OUR REALMS TOGETHER (THROUGH COLORSPACE???????), WE WOULD ALL BENEFIT HUGELY FROM IT!!!
THIS WOULD ALLOW NOT ONLY FOR CLOSER RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN NOUSFONI, BUT IT WOULD ALSO RESTORE THAT FEELING OF WONDER & LOVE THAT WE USED TO GET ALL THE TIME AND HAVE BEEN MISSING LATELY DUE TO STAYING "OUTSIDE" TOO MUCH.

also Jewel has NO TROUBLE EATING, even when she does so casually. she was nibbling on stuff when we got home (cinnabon popcorn, blue corn chips, cinnamon grahamn crackers, and pistachio ice cream; jeepers girl talk about a sweet tooth) but she only had a tiny bit of each and she had NO disordered urges and she STOPPED IMMEDIATELY when she realized she "didn't really feel like eating"
bravo to you girl, you are a literal godsend today, as always



DON'T FORGET= YESTERDAY, NATHANIEL & JOSEPHINA TALKING OUTSIDE AS WE RAN
discussing nat's past? "death" being a big topic I recall-- notably when giving jo the flower for his hair!!
concept of "dying to give richer life through beauty"; very moving and interesting




ENERGY DOES NOT HAVE "ELEMENTS," IT HAS VIBES!
THIS IS WHY WE KEPT GETTING STUCK WITH IT BEFORE.
they can have elements but mainly it's what they feel like.

RED= BLOOD? "entrances and exits/ ends and beginnings"
VERMILION= FIRE
BROWN= earth, soil, stone. very grounded. bone.
ORANGE= WOOD, especially like in musical instruments.
AMBER= lights on in houses at night, christmas light glow?
YELLOW= electricity? "voltage." sharp power. bright sunshine?
LIME= komorebi, open fields of grass, and the smell of grass
GREEN= forests, dense vegetation, and the smell of trees
"SPRUCE" = pine forests, and the smell of pines
AQUA= water, esp. the ocean
SKY= air, blue skies
BLUE= ELECTRIC POWER. like everything in the movie! also electronic sound!!
INDIGO= ice, winter fog, twilight? silence. serene, uniquely.
PURPLE= robes? oddly "religious" feel. ritual and solemnity.
VIOLET= power in a different sense? thunderstorms, space (like nebulas),
PINK= very gentle, soft. light? cherry blossoms.
CERISE= velvet, roses, cherries, 'SENSUAL' LUXURY, NO LUST
GRAY= paper, ink. the smell of both. dusty bookshelves. (very archivist influenced; that's interesting)
BLACK= dark churches/basilicas, night skies, dark food-things like molasses/ licorice/ clove??
WHITE= snow, crystals, sunlight, prisms,

 

 

 

 

1027.


- painted the lamps for dad at work. Got to wear a hat, looks pretty sweet with our short hair now. Thank god, because really short hair gives us BAD dysphoria (go figure) and the only people who can wear it safely are jayce and razor. Otherwise jezebel comes out.
virtually no headspace talk because they had a talk show radio on and we couldn’t concentrate on our own in the face of that.
- group hugs though. Me, waldorf, Javier, Josephina, Nathaniel.
- laurie was really distraught??

- afterwards, went to pick up laptop. Hard drive 85% corrupt??? Couldn’t save ANY files. But the laptop itself is okay. So he kept the hard drive, going to try again—which is vital, as I backed it up two weeks before it crashed and in that time I did a LOT of typing. Plus I cant remember the last time I backed up fl studio, which isn’t cool because I did do some work lately, but not much I think. What I REALLY lost is all the headspace updates that we didn’t upload (or read!!) in that time. Either way I would like to save that stuff.

- went to a local grocery liquidation store, pretty new. INCREDIBLE prices. Got a bunch of things to try that would have otherwise cost me a fortune at the health food store. Also organic curry powder for $3, heck yes.

- stopped at the amber bakery to get things for cel, as I did promise her that. No rum truffles today but there were green strawberry things! She said that was perfect so she got one.

we also got one of their huge fudge cupcake things as apparently someone likes those so why not.

- JAYCE ate when we got home?? Long time no see bro. Actually we didn’t even know he was out until Xenophon started ghosting and he really wasn’t responding to “dad.” She then asked the smart question of “are you with chaos zero” which, if yes, means that IS her dad but if no, means its NOT. And jayce said no! so after some talking he said he felt close to her but not as a parent, no way, and ultimately Xenophon settled on calling him “uncle jayce.” Which he likes.
he did express shame over the fact that we have an eating disorder, AND the fact that we cannot eat most “human foods.” There was talk about how the whole binge-eating and purging problem arose from the fact that we were often exposed to the outside sentiment that “families that eat together stay together,” and “cooking for someone is caring for someone,” and everything with orange energy stuff (eating + enjoyment + acceptance, etc.). basically, we were taught that “food equals community & acceptance,” and therefore if we could NOT eat the foods other people ate, or worse, if we had no desire to eat around other people at all (due to the invasive feeling,) then we were rejected. We were NOT part of the family, or community. We were rejecting “part of what makes you human,” this alleged ritual of bonding and closeness and comfort, and in doing so we were only asking to experience rejection and isolation and separation. Therefore, our depression got worse, as we then felt we could ONLY eat (something we still aren’t comfortable with but have to do) in total seclusion, hiding the “shameful act” from people, and also so we could actually focus on it, and not dissociate (as that causes even more abusive habits). But the loneliness and feelings of being a “monster” eat at you. And when someone catches you eating, the guilt is SO bad we often end up throwing up/out whatever we were trying to eat out of overwhelming shame and disgust. It’s a catastrophe.
anyway. Our addled brain decided somewhere down the line that “the only way I can participate in “normal eating” without getting horribly sick, is to taste it but NOT swallow it.” And yes that is the same chewing problem that the angry voices have (biting things to alleviate stress), and the abused ones (throwing up whatever is swallowed to purge the “invasive” feeling). Its awful how it ALL TIES TOGETHER. I’m just glad we’re seeing all the connections more clearly as time goes on.
but jayce was AWARE of all this—probably due to being both Brown and a body-aligned social (very rare)—and he told Xenophon it made him very sad, because he knew it worked, and yet it was so awkward and sad, he didn’t want to do it. He just couldn’t see another option. He was trying to justify himself to spice and chocoloco about this, and they were confused too, but still angry. Xenophon was trying hard to empathize with him, as she doesn’t understand that sort of history-based perspective, but she saw his pain and shame and didn’t want to make it worse by speaking out of ignorance or judgment (esp. things like “that’s weird,” “that’s gross,” etc. when the e.d. voices are only doing those “weird/gross” things as a skewed survival mechanism).

- “the ogre” was out for a few minutes again, xennie tried to talk to her. She’s built from the anchor “leena” originally had but “leena” was corrupted and collapsed. This is the same color/function root though.
tying into the previous paragraph, her function is to eat without shame, which (again) is actually VERY hard to accomplish, because we’re still trying to get over our “scavenger/ reject” habits of eating… plus dissociation + grief + carelessness means we aren’t the impeccable eaters we used to be. Its scary and heartbreaking how depression can turn you from someone who is a neat freak at all times, to someone who often cant work up the strength to even bathe or get dressed in the morning, let alone eat. Its so sad. But “the ogre” is trying to at least get us to a point where eating isn’t feeding the suffocating shame and guilt, because like it or not the body needs food, and we haven’t been giving it any lately—the few things we have eaten are compulsory abusive foods and only make us sicker. So she’s a strong, albeit unusual, effort to get past that first big hurdle and towards the path of healing. And I’m very thankful for that effort. She’s self-aware and kind enough to treat this WISELY too—as in, thinking “I wont hate myself for being “gross” if I’m really doing my best. But I will try to do better every day,”

- brothers went out to eat for their birthday, so we ran into the living room and played NIER!! For an hour, which was awesome. Ran through the junk heap a bit, but couldn’t do that boss mission yet so we went and wrote down everything we still needed for weapon upgrades (so much silver ore). We went to the fields for a bit, but couldn’t get many items in a short time so we ultimately wandered into the aerie… and accidentally did the whole second playthrough of that mission.
in light of recent solemnly synchronistic events, it was another punch to the gut.
(ELABORATE!!!! “you’re the real monsters,” “his instincts have taken hold”// “I killed them all,” “don’t look back,” etc.)
- also, shockingly, WE DON’T REMEMBER THE FIRST PLAYTHROUGH. I forgot that it happened during a dead timeline and although pinstripe identified VERY closely with nier, jay cannot vibe with the man’s stolid anger. Yes he can empathize with the burning drive to “get his daughter back” but he cannot empathize with nier’s sadness-crushing harshness, his unwillingness to be soft for anyone not close to him,
after that mission ends, nier is holding kaine while he waits for her to revive, and then he comforts emil by putting an arm around his shoulders. Jay resonated with that.
most notably, at one point during the mission, nier said “be careful emil” and jay said the SAME thing at the EXACT same time, not knowing there was any dialogue. That rang like a bell in its own way.

- Julie was hacked in the night. She was crushed because “I used to use this to hurt people, and now I’m just casually enduring it like it’s nothing??” awful parallel between how horrifying it initially was, and how we’re so burnt out and desperate for clarity now that we don’t feel a damn thing. But julie’s too aware of her past and her guilt.
she ALSO hit on something we ALL FORGOT for like two years. Infinitii is a daemon. All daemons WILL carry a vice, that CANNOT be scrubbed out of them as its their role to REFLECT IT as a learning/ forgiving/ transmuting process. And infinitii’s main vice was lust. Even though ze was born to heal sexual trauma, the very definition of hir being something whose function literally revolved around “sex” included that ze would have an affinity with it. And Infinitii has tried, has fought, has died, everything, but no matter what ze always ends up helpless to what is, to hir, an all-consuming desire to meld with people, to feel close to/ united with another living thing, which due to our history, ends up being translated as a trauma-mangled desire for “sex.”


(unfinished)

 

 

 

I seem to exist the most clearly at dawn and dusk. That's it.

Today I realized just how much I miss being outside. I need to go outside more; I miss that the most about SLC, I miss that the most about family vacations. Even if I was stressed, at least I could go outside and wander the streets and feel alive for once.
Here, I'm kind of stuck up in the woods. Yes, I adore it, but I can't just go walking through it anymore. Too many bears and ticks, unfortunately!
But… I'm looking through photos we have stockpiled for headspace/heartspace locations, and these two immediately gave me that beloved childhood "existential" feeling that I gauge my spiritual health by. I have memories that match it exactly-- the smell of night fog and flowers, of breathing trees, of twilight and rain and quiet. It's a smell that oddly means awakening to me, opening my inner eyes as the sun disappears into blue, existing once the rush of the sun has abated. But that feeling, that feeling I ONLY get outside, and usually when I'm far away from "home"… God I haven't felt it so long, but I recognized it like a man returning from war, with heartbreaking joy and sadness both. It's what I need right now. I need it. I really do.
What I really miss is the wandering. Just… it's a big part of why I love Dishonored, really. You can do just that, absolutely. I think that's where my personal timeline began, last autumn when we were either counting down to or recovering from surgery… maybe both. Dune and Dishonored. Everything was orange and warm and bright and then suddenly as we got to the end of the book, the end of the game, things became colder, twilight-colored, indigo and windy… winter rolled in and I don't remember it at all. Which is sad. But it's so weird, last autumn is so incredibly vivid. We've been switching so much otherwise… it's unfortunate, but having that one memory anchor, it means a lot.

I miss the beach. God I miss the beach, my heart hurts just thinking about it.
(Jewel) There's gotta be somewhere around here where I can swim. I need to be in the water. It's driving me crazy; every so often I get this overpowering need to just be underwater, and I/we haven't been able to meet that need in literal years. Which isn't cool.

(Jay) Lately I've been having big daydreams about what it would be like in the future, if we got our shit together and were able to live wherever, do whatever. Of course I always dream of living in the city, in some nice swanky place, within traveling distance of a coast. It's a reflection of headspace really. But I still love Gimmelwald, up in those green heights, vast and simple and gorgeous. I still love the woods up here too, as it is. I don't know where we'll end up living, but… I need the trees, and I need the sea. That will never change.

Japan, the view of Mount Fuji and the cherry trees, with red pagodas bright against it all, has been feeling very close to my heart too. Perhaps it's because we first "discovered" that country and its culture when we were about 12, 13… a really lovely time in our inner life. So the vibe of that place is very strongly attached to the adventurous peace of that time. It's Hoseki's home, it's half of heartspace, even if we've never been there.
I adore that country, everything about it. I still want to go there one day.
Julie has modeled the Pink Realms after it, I noticed. Japan at dawn. Everything pink and soft and holding that exact vibe I just mentioned… and lots of views like this; everything is up high, way above the sea.
Apparently the view is highest where it intersects with the Cerise Realms. Jeremiah and the kids requested that-- there's a big view of the valley up by the mall, about 10 minutes away from where we go to therapy, and every time we're up that way they ask to be able to just stop and look out at it. So Julie and Eros put a view like that in for them, which is really sweet, and beautiful too.
Nathaniel is taking inspiration from Japan too, what with the forest temples. He saw a picture of one and immediately told me the vibe was exact, so that was nice.
Leon also found a photo that matches the look/feel of the Indigo Realms perfectly, finally. He was really excited about that.
Laurie has put giant wisteria trees and lots of sky lanterns in the Violet Realms. She's also decided their "timeframe" is 1am-3am, that sort of late night/ early morning stillness. The sky is swimming with stars, it's gorgeous.
As for other timeframes, while I'm thinking of it... Pink=dawn, Indigo=dusk, Blue=early night (10pm), Violet=late night (2am), Sky=late morning, and I think Cerise=sunset? I also think Orange=early evening and Green=early afternoon. No idea on Yellow, Lime, or Aqua yet... but they feel like "day" places for the most part. Red and Brown are largely unstable yet so no clue there. Black/Gray/White feel different in general so I don't know if they're tied to time at all. We'll see.
Lastly, Waldorf and Kyanos have agreed that there is now a legit automotive bodyshop at the border between their Realms, which is hilariously adorable.

Dalton was out today for the job; he's getting more solid. But he was talking TO the Gent IN HEADSPACE for a minute?? Their colors are close and we just happened to have two cars in the shop today in those exact hues, right next to each other. So that resonance triggered a short meeting between those two fellows, apparently. It didn't last long as neither of them have strong enough roots but DUDE. The GMQs were FACELESS SOCIALS for years! So that's really cool, it means they aren't as dead as we feared. I'm really glad. I remember way back we said "no one ever really dies up here" and that's a mixed blessing but I'm very thankful for it nevertheless.
We've been teaching Dalton that the most important thing he can do is care. The Tar & Plague are both run by apathy in a sense-- cold hearts expressed at different extremes. They're both careless. We NEED to be the opposite. So we told Dalton, you MUST care. You must feel compassion and affection and interest and generosity and service. You must. It's the only thing that will allow YOU to survive and it is the only thing that will allow ANY of us to survive.


Speaking of both wisteria and newer people. One of the "brown-haired" alters that have pre-System but non-abusive roots picked a name today? "Neutra." As in "neutral," obviously. But she looks like the body did around age 13-14, except she has violet eyes. Which is interesting. Browns are odd because they're largely "non-Spectrum" for lack of a better term, so this thing with dual colors is intriguing. Perhaps that's NOT a sign of dissonance for some? Who knows, we'll find out. But yes, she picked a name, now we know how to refer to one more person.


Last.fm is throwing some good music recommendations at me.
D was listening to a band the other day, Aquilo, and we immediately fell in love with their stuff. It's incredible, both his style and his voice. "Better Off Without You" has been on loop in my head for days. So much of his stuff is relevant to Dream World, it really inspired me. Oh yeah, and thanks to D we also finally listened to Coldplay's X&Y album, 10 years later, ha. But I'm glad we waited, because the album is shockingly relevant to headspace. Hilariously, the only songs I don't really like are the only ones you ever hear on the radio. Go figure. That's typical though.
We're also really enjoying Dorian Concept's stuff. We discovered them years ago really but never listened to an actual album of theirs, and this is really neat.

I'm really feeling snow tonight, too. I miss it just as strongly as the beach, but differently.
…Ah. I think that's the difference. There's two of us. Me, who misses the snow and the ice and Christmas and peppermint and gold and who remembers that, who has winter etched into his very blood… and him, the other one with white hair, who misses the ocean and the water and the summer night air and the early city fog, who is tied to a totally different season and feeling than I am.
It's nice, to finally be able to put words to that feeling, to FEEL that difference, to have clarity between different core-parts. It really is nice. It's validating, for both of us.
Dare I say it-- the therapist will be proud, heheh.


Rosewindow-- the Leagueworld-- has been talking to me a lot lately. I have Spotify to thank for that; I found some very resonant songs for it (mostly by The Flower Kings and Cherry Ghost) and as a result, the plot is blooming again. I'm so excited, I adore this world so far, it's so vast and gorgeous and sad and amazing. Like a sunrise.
Event Horizon is FINALLY growing, too. That world's been on hold for years, it's awful. I felt bad, because it was actually stagnant-- I saw nowhere it could go, no idea what to do. But now it's moving again! Slowly but surely. I'm so glad.
LG*Girls is trying to move, but it has no solid plot yet and it has too many possibilities. It does bank on something else though so I'm ironing out the kinks and hopefully it'll snap into fit sometime soon.
vo!t@ge and Halcyon Days are both going through some big shifts, in terms of the state of their physical worlds. MASSIVE plot changes for the former, just as significant plot alterations for the latter. Also, again thanks to Spotify, it seems there's practically an entire genre of music that sounds like Haruka Nakamura (the sort of soft, early morning, guitar-over-piano, downtempo stuff) and we associate that style very strongly with Halcyon Days-- that, and Thomas Dolby-style 80s synths. It's an interesting soundtrack but I love it. Now if only I had the means to write the same stuff, haha. I will try.
Now if only I could get Puppetstrings to talk like this again. Those kids feel stuck all of a sudden too. But it doesn't feel locked-in; I'm sure if I just sit down and untangle it it'll start flowing again.
Oh yeah! Last thing-- Oneircia is starting, shyly but honestly, to tell me the MIDDLE of the story, at LONG LAST. Remember how I said I knew how that one began, and then how it ended? Well now everything between those two points is finally filling in. And it's NOT as melancholy as we erroneously assumed before. I'm sorry for that; someone previously painted their story with cynicism which is really the polar opposite of what the story is. So that’s a profound relief.


There was a lot of synchronicity today, it feels like. It's been like that lately, lots of little nudges in interesting directions, lots of triple numbers, lots of relevant song lyrics.
We were under a lot of stress today, massively so, but we were in-and-out of peace even within that? Genesis was helping of course, but it was nice to not be swallowed up in the upset. And at one point we got an avalanche of reassuring signs that led to a totally unexpected opportunity to help someone-- which was only possible because of the "bad luck" we had leading up to it. Go figure, right?
So that was really nice. Saw 1111 after that too. It always feels nice to see that number again.



This body has a fatigue headache and I'm kind of woozy and lightheaded. I don't enjoy this feeling. It's a result of self-neglect, though. That, in turn, is a result of feeling stuck in the house. At least now we get out in the morning and go work at that awesome garage, that helps so so so much.

Laurie says I should get to sleep so off I go.
I miss CZ especially and lately headspace feels closer to my heart than ever so that's something to look forward to.

Song of the night, see you later loves.

 

 

 

 

 

today.

don't remember much! had to do shopping with the family for about 3 hours this morning as we got our monthly check.
got home and apparently ate something harmful? so we were sick until 5pm or so
got distracted on computer, had to look up stuff for grandmother and grandfather, ended up tangled in website links and just flat-out quit around 8pm i think.

exercised for two hours. listening to music, and personal audio notes.

TONS of leagueworld inspiration today, and one other day this week. just hit in waves.
rosewindow is getting as big as dream world and that is REALLY HUGE, both in size and significance. it's so exciting. that world is getting some gorgeous background depth and it is catching inspiration and substance everywhere. so i'm ecstatic in a very velvet-calm way, about that.

getting better switching from jewel and back. she's SAFE and DOESN'T GET HACKED so we're all just enthusiastically letting her take over at night so none of these malicious floating people try to hurt us. jewel is literally impervious so that might be our new thing from now on, god willing she STAYS invincible. in any case laurie, sugar, karissa, and genesis were all on guard on her behalf tonight, so that's good too.

oh. forgot to mention.
last night, laurie said she was talking to lynne and julie. about what,
she "couldn't sleep" which really means, she couldn't bear being in jay's room with him not there (he was mostly m.i.a. since this weekend i think), and cz so profoundly depressed as a result (he's still in there, he has nowhere else to go).
so she went checking on people? needed support? a few things.
lynne said spine always sleeps in her room and she was fine. jo's been sleeping uneasy. javier doesn't always sleep well apparently, or even in his room; ever since that hack scare a few months back he's apparently been iffy about sleeping in his original central room. those are fragmented as heck anyway, after the massacre, yeah they never really grew back. so people are largely moving to their realms now-- notably nathaniel and leon, as they never really had "rooms" in the traditional sense. waldorf too, arguably.
anyway javier wasn't in his room then, he was wandering the halls, spoke to them briefly, explained the previous bit. too tired to really accompany them for long though. i do know laurie warned him about the current situation with jay, especially as he was red and so he might get bloodline bleedover. he needs to remember who HE is and act on that. javier said he would.
laurie had a brief but very significant conversation with nathaniel? he was spending the night with leon, who was fast asleep when they got there. laurie was worried on their behalf, what with hackers targeting people in relationships. i think nathaniel said his role meant he would never ever fall victim to those people. again i'm sorry, i have to dig for this data. but laurie was reassured by whatever he said.
there are no lime, aqua, or sky rooms, by the way. kyanos stays in his realm we think. cel and cz never had rooms to begin with.
eros' room was missing. we don't know if he ever had one there. but he was killed on tuesday night? one of the jay splinters went berserk and i think cannon showed up on his behalf, either way there was a forced death-reset for eros AND almost infinitii, but they "didn't have to kill infi" and just cut out hir abdomen again (they keep doing that). i feel awful for hir. but this is a tangled topic and infi DOES slip often, being a daemon tied to black energy, so ze does have to be careful as ze can be used, virtually unconsciously, as a hack weapon. but infi is learning too now, and is learning to stop hacker people from telling hir that ze has to do what THEY want for whatever ridiculous reason. anyway eros never came back. we think the cerise slot actually collapsed in, which indicates that the spectrum decided he currently isn't fit to come back???? i have no clue
aqua and lime are still fuzzy slots, i dont think the spectrum is too keen on outspacers holding them, especially not our most volatile ones. we'll see. and cerise has always been weird, so has eros, from the very start he kind of elbowed his way into that slot, or was nudged in there, plus his very identity is still knotted up with past problems, so. anyway, we'll see on that too.
julie's room is slightly upstairs, it's not in the main hallway? i dont think they went in.
around this point laurie realized she had to get back to check on cz or something? felt awful about just leaving him alone there, even if she was just as upset. needed to get back fast, so she called infinitii, ze phased hir bubblespace in above them, laurie asked to come in, said she needed hir to drop her off back in jay's room (as bubblespace isn't limited by physical distance, you can jump in in america and jump out in japan a second later if you wanted, effectively). lynne asked to go in too though, told laurie to wait i think? julie didnt want to go in the bubble, scared that she would start slipping into a "bad state" around infinitii, or would cause infi to do the same. infi promised ze wouldnt hurt her, and it was okay, but julie was too shaken and said no, she was sorry but she was staying at her room.
now this is blurry, and for good reason, but i assume laurie was very distressed around this time because apparently, she ended up hugging lynne in such a state and that caused some overlay bleedover (technically something that precedes heart connections; it's when someone is open/vulnerable enough that their 'aura' is enterable/ tangible). probably because of the impact of this, there's a clear snapshot of memory of lynne gasping in surprised pain and letting go of her, laurie looking distressed and a bit worried. lynne has her hands in front of her chest and she says "your heart hurts," before asking if that was "because of the swords." i assume laurie said yeah, but i can't see what happened after that as the brain was getting foggy due to the time (this was all happening around 2am probably).

as usual, the great trouble in headspace is being offset by great progress.
there's been a lot more communication and cooperation lately, motivated by the worry everyone is in over the jay/cz situation and the sudden reliigous hack resurgence, and also recent therapy sessions (getting to the deep stuff).
looking back on "old" archive entries, at the beginning of the second timeline... 2011, that's only four years ago, but it feels like one. two, tops. time is weird. but the point is... four years ago, we weren't really close, at all. even 2012 arguably, we didn't even know each other well. and now, look. really that's incredible.
thank the undergrounders, haha. thank kyanos. thank that bloody scratch, for all it cost us, for all we lost. it broke us, like a geode. now look at us sparkle.
it's the hero's journey, man, that's our life in a nutshell, the journey itself is home at this point


most importantly,
as of this evening "cz" seems to be labeled as "safe" for the time being and WHY?
because infinitii basically said "hey i think you fit the black slot better than i do"
and cz moved into it. and it's sticking.
so! we're all surprised but not surprised. this has been something ze's been attempting for quite a while now.
parnassus (which also needs a new name) practically foreshadowed it too, in its own retroactive sort of way, back in 2011 or whenever that was.
regardless we really really freaking hope this plays out well and doesn't collapse. that's always a risk.
but,
now that cz is more stable (and in this state ze has NO oldcanon ties btw, at least not that we can feel) it seems to be affecting jay as well?
yes the "jay iridos" we all know and love IS the legit one, he does have a beard and it snaps right into his overlay, so who was typing the other day? we just don't know. not yet at least. it's not unusual for hosts to splinter but seriously dude we have not been keeping track of this, like when jewel started splintering, we assumed it was the same person and that just confused EVERYONE because of the massive behavior shifts and memory gaps. well now we know. still working on that.
therapy is tomorrow, julie did insist we discuss this relationship thing, AND our current "jay" (the real one, again) is totally okay with this.
whiiiich poses a problem. we need to find out who HAS a problem, and make THEM talk.
maybe we'll do that tonight if we have time. it's easy enough to pull those people out of the woodwork, they're triggered easily.

shirts are being painted.
music is being written.
haven't drawn anything in about a week (two?) but we are putting genuine effort into that again, even if it's just fun childlike stuff at first.


it's almost 2am again, that's it for the night.

 

 

 

 

 

Therapy on Thursday.

I didn't update as it happened (people wanted to ignore it)



numb fronter as we walked in, couldnt get them out at first
spice fronted for a WHILE, very angry
sherlock fronted momentarily
so did garrison
isadora tried but talking socially isnt her thing
jewel peeked in? left shortly
"jessica" writer girl fronted for a WHILE (NOT the brown "jess," no ties to chocoloco?)
clearly said "other people don't like when I get violent"
she hates the mother, that's her main thing. color feels vaguely indigo, like the one from 2008 or so
wreckage tried to come in, I think ashen was alerted
david did too I think

 

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@ 11:55 pm

 

 

Sometimes I think it's really dumb that I have to write down everything "bad" that happens so I can tell the therapist. I don't want to hold on to this stuff. But, I keep remembering that one phrase: "those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it." I can't help but feel that, stupid and ridiculous or not, that quote applies here. It's awful.

Sunday morning, I think, there was a dream hack. It was horrible. The pain in-dream was so excruciating that the body collapsed, and I remember almost passing out. I had fallen to the floor, in agony and delirious, and I was half-crazily praying to God to save me somehow. I thought I was dying.
Miraculously, that pain did NOT translate over to the physical body when we awoke. Thank God for that, really!! If it had translated I probably would have really died.

I know why it happened. Sleeping is painful lately, what with surgery recovery, and if we lie flat down it hurts even more. So, we have to carefully prop up the body in a way that won't make our limbs go numb, and will still allow us to breathe, without straining the abdomen so badly we can't get back out of bed easily afterwards (which will happen if we fall down flat). Anyway, since it is tricky, we usually wake up several times during the night hurting. We haven't been sleeping well in any case. There have been lots of nightmares.
Anyway. Sunday, we woke up around 6AM, only having about 5 hours of sleep so far. So we made the mistake of going back to sleep as the sun was rising.
Here's a note: sleeping during sunlight equals HACKS!!! I don't know why, but it's a constant. The "danger zone" happens whenever you try to sleep when it's light out. It's Plague stuff I think. Bad stuff. So we kind of feared it would happen, but what else could we do?

I'm standing here and the legs are covered in blood and I'm fine, but whoever was out before me definitely was not.
There's a problem lately: no emotions, but expression of emotions. Like, "I feel like I should be upset about this, or that it would be right to feel upset about this, but there's no actual feeling!" Like after hacks. You KNOW you're "upset," "sad," "angry," et cetera, but there's no actual emotion. It's an empty void, a blank space. There's nothing. There's just this "knowledge" that, even if you don't actually feel it, you know you aren't happy about this situation. And then someone fronts, and starts to try and scream or cry or something, but there are no emotions, and the second they stop it's poker face city. It's highly confusing and rather upsetting, to know that there should be an emotion there but there isn't.
Even worse, we still have those not-so-floating voices (alters?? the therapist is making us question a lot of things we took for granted or glossed over) who are full of hatred for anyone who shows "weakness or stupidity." There was a problem today; someone was eating as a "coping mechanism"-- the need to organize, to fix something, to clean something, to destroy something. It's all projected coping needs that we can't find a way to meet elsewhere, so it comes out unhealthily. But it was 5:05, and then the grandmother walks in, stops, smiles sadly/flatly at us, and says "You didn't make it."
Now she likely meant well. She knows we like to stop eating at 5PM every day, but sometimes we don't eat "breakfast" until 4PM so that makes things tricky, since we have to prepare the food that day too. So she meant, "it's after 5 already." But it hurt! What a way to say it! Why would you say it such a way?
Immediately the brain heard those words through the hurt. "You're still eating, you wretched thing?" "You failed." "There's a strict set of rules you must meet to be "good," and guess what? You didn't make it." In short, what we heard was, " You failed to do what was good and right, again. I'm disappointed in you, but I didn't expect anything different. You're a disgrace and a shame."
All I know is that this person's "appetite" bottomed out and immediately they wanted to burn every edible item in the kitchen. They fought off the urge to forcibly vomit out of shame right then and there, and walked out to sit on the porch in the cold, feeling utterly filthy and animalistic, like they no longer deserved to show their hedonistic face among human beings.
A few minutes later the grandmother stomps out onto the porch, sighing angrily, half-shouting. "What are you doing now? Stop being so ridiculous. Get back in here."
We tried to explain how we felt, to apologize for being such a humiliation, but she cut us off. "Oh, I don't want to hear this again! You've gotta stop that." Then as we went to walk in the door, she (unknowingly?) shut the door right in our face. There was a moment of shock-- dulled by the fact that we hadn't felt any emotions this whole time-- and then someone went and slumped against the chimney and tried to cry. Unfortunately, the feelings of self-horror and hatred were so potent, that one of those "floating alters" spoke up. "Shut the hell up, you faggot bastard!!!" That's the one that hates crying, and calls anyone who dares to cry because they're "sad" the most awful name they can imagine. They see crying as selfish, manipulative, and downright disgusting. In their eyes, people who cry are doing the emotional equivalent of grabbing someone forcibly by the face and dragging them in the direction you want them to go. It's profane emotional abuse, crying is, to them. So we aren't allowed to cry because it's "evil."
So that shut down, easily enough, because nothing was actually being felt… convincing us that we were "evil" and manipulative, because who else would cry without actually feeling sad? The only thing we felt was this ugly, corrosive, dirty feeling of wrongness, like we were trash, utter garbage, and did not deserve to be conscious.
We ended up back inside the house somewhere around there but the memory cuts out for about two, three hours around that time.
There's too much memory loss lately. It's scary. It's unbearable.


…I lit some candles for optimism, but the black one ended up overflowing like a volcano and spitting sludge all into the pink one, only. That's awful symbolism and it's scaring me a little.

There was a real hack, Sunday night I think. The same day of the dream hack as far as I know. It was in the living room, someone went into a trance from the red lights and that is all I know. We found the culprit, because they tried to attack Chaos and he freaked out, then it went after Genesis, but Infi showed up and neutralized it, so there's no hack data other than the initial "someone bad is here" shock of the culprit fronting and Wreckage realizing it. Yeah, she noticed and tried to kill it, I don't know how it kept going… lots of the hackers can. I think it's because they're on the "downstairs" level, that's not tied to the System at all. It's all Socials and faceless people and floaters. It's a very dangerous, very frightening, very primal level. J---bel and J----ca's kingdom. There's so much malice in those two names, it hurts. I don't want to write them.
So we think that person was "Eros." NOT the guy we've been calling by the name Upstairs, at least we don't think so. This is the guy from 2012, the REALLY EVIL one that caused the whole Celebi trouble in January. Yeah. The EVIL guy. We think it's him, because it feels very similar to what records we have of him, and it's not a good feeling. So we're being very careful.

The real problem is that he's not the only one!!! There's at least two girls, too. One is Anna, I don't remember/know what her deal is but she exists, we're well aware of her. Long straight blonde hair and all. BUT there's another girl-- at least we think it's a girl? maybe there are two-- which is one we've been hunting for AGES, and it's the one who hijacked Jay's heart affinity and turned it into the most dangerous horrific thing ever. She's not a good person, at all, not at all, her energy is unmistakable too and they've left EVIDENCE before, on our computer, that they exist. It's always scary to find evidence, we're not used to people fronting without permission or knowledge, especially bad people.

Oh! Before I forget. The therapist wants to know who writes. I'm a "girl," more like I have a female look and I'm a teenager. But gender is "ehh." I don't think about it much. Anyway I'm a girl and I'm young and I'm happy? I'm not sad, at least. I'm more like, unfazed. So that's it.

Back to typing so I don't slip, that happens a lot with self-awareness because the darker minds in the System don't want these new voices manifesting. (Sherlock here, momentarily. Give me a minute to hand the reins back, quietly.)

So. Bad hacker girl. We don't know who she is but she was apparently around tonight. No hack data again, just the instant of realizing "oh no oh no, someone was here," and then a time gap, and then standing in the bathroom with a huge bread knife in one hand and hysterically sobbing "there's not enough blood!!" Whoever that was. I don't know. But that person realized the "no emotions" problem because although they were wracked with tears and pain, there was-- again-- no emotion being felt, which shook them up.
They were staring at a washcloth full of blood and saying it looked like a murder scene. Then they wondered if we should go to the hospital, because "this wasn't normal," they had lost so much time and they didn't know what day it was and this was no way to live, it was unbearable.
Then there's a somewhat different memory? An instant of someone leaning against the doorframe and laughing deliriously, staring at the wrists and saying "I could end this right now!" It was the sudden realization that we had a really sharp knife and we were really hopelessly distraught and it would be SO quick to just… end it all. Instantly. But something made them change their mind, because that person disappeared and then there's another time gap… yada yada yada. It keeps happening like that and it's not fun.

Anyway. They "couldn't reach God" and every time they tried to ask "do you love me" "do you forgive me" etc., the damned floating voices would jump in and lie and say "no," over and over, making the fronter feel trapped in hell and unsaveable.
Then Infi showed up. All I know is that Infinitii showed up and said "I love you," making it very clear that they weren't ignorant of the situation even so. I don't know what happened after that, I can't see it, just that ze and the fronter (did Jay come in? no? somebody else.) were talking for a little bit and now I'm here? Typing? Geez. It's 9:25 PM. The last time we remember looking at a clock it was 8:25 or so, in the kitchen, putting the knife back in the sink. Geez. And getting matches for the candles.
Someone was standing on a chair to do that (the matches are on top of the fridge) and saying (with no small amount of disgust and shame) that they felt "lonely," that they "never had any friends" because to them, a REAL friend was someone that you didn't HAVE to talk to when you were upset like this. A REAL friend would understand, and just sit with you if you just needed company, to be assured someone else kind was there for protection and compassion, who wouldn't want to chat emptily or do small talk. Which is stupid, and which is what all almost-"friends" would force us to do in the past. Real close friends talk about real close things. And we never had that, but we needed We never got close to anyone really, they never wanted to be close and it hurt. We only ever had… let me count. AMG, AAA, CL, SD maybe, BP, BD almost, Angelbee, and that's it. Seven people who were near-friends, and of all those, only ONE of them (CL) EVER treated us like one. CL treated us like a sibling, there's precious little memory of that time period of life and the only real snapshot we have is of walking across the playground with her, and she was just so happy to be with us that this surge of real honest love welled up in us, like the love you'd have for a dear friend or sister, and it was one of the first real things we ever felt. CL left us for good a few months later, but… that was real, and honest. It's worth noting that this was approximately the same life-time period that Jezebel evidenced during, so the forces were already in opposition. Ugh. Anyway, yeah. Seven people, two of them who were only "cool acquaintances," three of them who were borderline abusive, and one of them (AAA) who was never really an "official" friend (i.e. she would talk to us often but we never hung out or did stuff together) but who we adored nevertheless, as you know. So yeah, we were lonely. Are lonely, I guess, if this evening's admittance by who-knows-who was honest enough.
We did have internet friends, I guess? I forgot. They've fallen into the "lost years," the ones scrubbed dry by programming or trauma or whatever. We don't remember them at all; whoever befriended them is LONG gone and did not leave any first-person memories that we can find. But that's not relevant now, and that stuff physically hurts to look for.
Where was I. Oh yeah. After that hack, and bleeding all over the bathroom (we got really dizzy, not sure if it was from blood or stress or whatever, but it was a little worrisome), and losing even more time, and wanting to throw up, and feeling utterly isolated, yeah we were kind of lonely. We were unplugged from headspace too, and to be honest I don't know if that helped or hindered the situation? There is a LOT of hate for headspace on the downstairs level, with the socials and other faceless fronters, because to them "headspace" is synonymous with "the world and people that only exist because of hacking." In other words, "headspace is a living reminder of hell, and as far as we are concerned, its very presence promotes more suffering and pain." So the socials HATE headspace, and will deny/ slander/ curse/ try to annihilate it at every opportunity. Sadly, because of that split, there's no way to get help from headspace (someone just shouted "we don't want it!!"). Well, there you go. Don't shoot the messenger, guys, I'm just typing. ("For who?") For anyone, I'm just keeping records of this so we can actually deal with this trouble with the therapist maybe, and keep it from ever happening again.

I hope. We wish. This has been going on for 7 years, plus-- no, longer than that, almost 10 now. We aren't sure. When did the hacks really start? So much time is gone, but so many of us are so young, we can't tell.
We keep forgetting about "childhood trauma" too. We laugh at it, actually. It feels like all fairy tales, like some scary story made up to make other children behave. We don't remember having a childhood. Our memory doesn't "start" until 8th grade, really. 2003, going into 2004, that's when headspace put down its first "roots," even though Jewel manifested years prior, and others (Julie, Jezebel, etc.) even earlier. Still, all of that feels foggy and vague, almost like a prologue, or something slightly off-kilter. "Solid" memory, the "beginning," is in the 8th grade classroom. 2003, let's say. And then time disappears for several years, and the next thing we have a "solid" memory of is 2011 or so. Is it? Did Cannon leave any solid memories? No?
It's weird. Cannon and Glissando both were at MU, that awesome university, but although their memories are very clear, it's nevertheless fogged-up by the third-person viewpoint. It feels… vague. Like we were asleep from 2004 to 2008, and began waking up slowly. There's little data until closer to 2009, I think? And then it's gone AGAIN, because whoever was on dA for the "OCT period" (the short-haired kid here) is TOTALLY missing from all our records, we have NO clue who they were. Then 2010 was Utah, which was only know from data because there's NO actual data of that…

You know what, let me do that. It's 10PM, we're going to bed at 11 today because 1) although I would LOVE to stay up and type, it is NOT safe to sleep during the daylight!!! so 11PM is now the set bedtime, and 2) we're going to accompany the grandmother tomorrow morning at 8 to do family shopping and go to her bloodwork place. Any time we get to go in a car is gold. Cars are BEAUTIFUL. They are blessed spaces on wheels. Every car ever is a safe place, a sanctuary, and we love them. We can talk to them too, a little, like Kit in Young Wizards. Serafina (the PT) talks to us the most; she does not like when people hit potholes and she doesn't like when people say she's "not as good" as Bethany (the Suzuki). So she's kind of moody. But we're nice to her, we really do love her, and she's warming up to us more. Bethany we don't get to talk to often (we don't get to drive her much) but I'm curious, and kind of scared, to try. She's been in several accidents and there has been at LEAST one massively horrifying hack while IN her, poor thing. We haven't even listened to that file yet.


…Okay, I just had to leave the computer for a second and NOW all the terrible sadness and hopelessness is settling in. How do we deal with that? Just meditate all the time?
To be honest, that's why we haven't been meditating. It's… when we do, we don't want to stop. We'd unplug from reality and meditate for like six hours a day if we could. Is that detrimental? Is it "good" to totally dissociate from the physical realm that often, that totally? "Be in the world, but not of it," they say, but for God's sake we don't know HOW to be "in it" at this point, most Buddhas weren't "mentally ill" as far as we know, and it hurts like a crushed heart to hear people say "well mental illness isn't real” because sure, we know that all this suffering is ephemeral, but then…
I don't know. What about the PTSD, then? What about the D.I.D.? Are they saying that "oh, your PTSD isn't real" even if someone was raped, or caught in an explosion, or something equally horrid? It's hard to find the fine line. On one hand, there's awareness that this life is temporary, and all the horrors we may endure here are equally so… and on the other hand, there's the awareness that this life is still valid, right? It's still real in some way, right? And… is it wrong to be scared, when something scary happens to you?
I don't know. This drives me mad, especially because it's the REASON why we aren't feeling emotions anymore!! SO many people have said "your emotions are just knee-jerk reactions to stimuli that don't really exist!" and glorified "detachment" and "emptiness" that we have scraped out our soul and now we don't know HOW to live in this world because we just want to meditate all day. We're in pain and we can't even feel it because these people keep saying it's not real.
Bullshit. BULLSHIT. "You have to accept suffering before you can transcend it." That means stop kicking this under the rug and let us HEAL for God's sake, we're scared and we're frightened and we're sad and lonely and confused and angry and you just keep doing that stupid "SMILE (☺)" reaction and acting like we're just poor fools!!! Well maybe we are, but that puts us right in with every other beaten and kicked child in the world. Would you just "SMILE" at a five-year-old whose mother just whacked them in the face out of pure malice, and who was crying bitterly as a result? "Don't cry child, she's not really your mother! The pain isn't really real! (Smile!)" FCK YOU.
I am so sorry. FCK YOU.


That too. That freaking mother. "WRITE A BOOK!!! WRITE A BOOK!!! HERE HERE'S ANOTHER PUBLISHING COMPANY TO CONTACT!! HERE'S ANOTHER WRITERS GROUP TO ATTEND!!! BLA BLA BLA!!!!!!!!"
Fck off, FCK OFF, STOP.
Everyone wants me/us/whatever to "write a book." WHAT BOOK!??!?
What the hell do you want us to write????? What are you expecting????
There's our personal chronicles, these Archives, sure we could TRY to write a book out of them, we'd LOVE to actually, but that's NOT EASY, ESPECIALLY when every two seconds you're telling me IT'S FAKE, IT'S BULLSHIT, GET OVER IT, STOP ACTING LIKE THAT, STOP SAYING THAT, ET CETERA.
I wouldn’t BE saying things if I wasn't FEELING them. I'm trying to be HONEST. Would you rather I lie??
I don't know. I don't know. I WANT to write this in a book and put it out there but it HURTS, damn it it HURTS and it's terrifying to look back and see that there's NOTHING for YEARS, God help us how can we write anything if there's so much empty space and unanswered questions??? I don't know. I don't know.
And then there's Dream World, Jewel's magnum opus or however you'd call it. She's terrified because so many people have ripped that story right out of her heart and tried to mangle it into their own liking. It's been so horribly corrupted, she can't see half the characters anymore, she can't find the timeline after 2003 right now, right where ours stops. She cries about it a lot, how all she wants to do is share that story, her love and joy, our hope, and yet it's been so battered. She's scared, that she might not be able to get it right in time, or the right way, or something. But we all feel her fear, more of a wrenchingly awful bottomless mourning, and it makes our situation all the more depressing.

Ugh. This entry is going places I don't want it to go. Where was I. Cars.
Not going to talk about that hack file. It's an hour long and I know Wreckage talked on it and so did the veil-person (the purple one) and Julie maybe? I don't know, I don't want to think about it, there's a potent jagged aura around that entire event that is horrifying to look at, sorry to keep using that word but it's the only one with a "vibe" that fits the feeling I'm trying to express. Horror is different from terror, and fright, and fear. You get the picture, I hope.
Cars. We're going in one tomorrow. I'll type again when I get home, maybe.
I wanted to list memory bits, for the sake of having that data written down somewhere, and also for the therapist. Oh, plus she has us doing this thing, let's start a new paragraph for that, I mentioned it earlier.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow. Okay, so the therapist asked us, "who does what in your System?" But she meant on the outside. And we DON'T KNOW. It was very jarring, kind of existentially nauseating, scary, to realize that we don't know who does half this stuff, and the more questions she asked the more shaken-up we got until we almost felt like crying from shock but nothing happened. We're losing so much time and we NEVER REALIZED IT until she started asking things we never would have considered asking ourselves.
"Who eats" is tricky enough, Emmett should be the one eating but that's been very rare over the past few months. We don't know who eats lately, but so many people are tied to pain and purging and maintenance that it's a little easier to get a grip on that.
But then she asked, "who cooks? Who cleans? Who does finances? Who goes to the doctor? " etc. We have absolutely no idea. And as we looked, hoping to find answers, we found that there was no data. We don't know who cooks or cleans or does finances or goes to the doc because for the most part, there's NO MEMORY OF THOSE THINGS. There's some vague "location" data, of course, the eyes are always seeing… but as for actual conscious stuff? Movement, talking, choices? None. There's nothing. And THAT'S scary.
She asked who exercised. We mentioned that weird faceless beige-tan guy who showed up last summer on the elliptical, and who keeps flickering in and out. But we also mentioned that exercise is dangerous, TERRIBLY dangerous, and the reason why we were out of shape for years is that originally we couldn't exercise without getting hacked. Which was bad. Running outside is safe but we can't do that until our surgery heals.
"Who writes, who does art, who does music," she asked. Another worrisome question. Creativity was always very separate from our System in order to protect it, because if hacks/ etc. ever touched the Leagueworld stuff, we'd die. Quite literally. Everything would go to hell. So no one in our System did art, except Jewel, who broke off from us during the lost years. Razor tried but couldn't tap in. We have some musicians, notably Glissando, but Nienna and Zwei like to sing and Einsatz likes to listen. Problem is, for unknown reasons music is also tied to mania, so we are actually terrified to play the piano anymore because then that one girl comes out and goes nuts, and her energy signature is like a circuit breaker shorting out, blowing up. She's dangerous and we do not like her. She's part of why we stopped singing for over a year once the dysphoria got bad. It would trigger her and then things would-- again-- go to hell. And hacks would happen in her wake too! So that wasn't good either. Writing, though, that's our field now… sadly, for some part, as Jewel lives to write and she hasn't in a very long time. We used to have a poet, we don't know where they went. We lost a lot of our writers, actually. Those of us who write in the Archives… we''re a different breed. This is just talking onto paper. I'm one, Simeon is listed, one girl who "hates the mother" and goes by "Jess" because she can't find another name. She spoke here for a bit before, her energy sticks. Jay types, Laurie has typed before, not often but she has. Sherlock types. Mulberry did once, I can see the text in my mind. But yeah. That was an easier question to answer.
"Who does self-care," the therapist asked. No one. Cannon put a stop to it in 2009 or so, with the dysphoria and hacks and atonement, and since then it's been very bad, minimal really. Bathrooms in general are hack-places and we don't like spending longer in one than we have to.
"Who went to school," was the last question. Cannon, that we know. She took the one art class, that unannounced decided to make her do figure drawing. And all hell broke loose. AGAIN. It's ridiculous how often that has happened. Where is it coming from?? Why??
But we don't know who else was at the first college, other than Glissando, who was only there to sit at her laptop and write music. Spinny got in the way there sometimes, but she was manic and negative and not really a "person." We don't know who went to the second college. We don't know who went to high school or elementary school. Blame the social interaction, I guess, or at least the threat of it. Thank God we were ignored for the most part!

I can't type anymore. Apparently my attitude is detrimental? Or at least not nice, or fitting. It's "rude" without meaning to be rude is what I'm getting. Sorry guys. I'm out of here.

We'll write the memory data down tomorrow, when we have appropriate time. Now is too late.
I cannot tell you much else for tonight; there is a pervading sadness and helpless frustration that is being exacerbated by the heat in this room and the company here. I do not want to mire in this mindset so I am going to attempt to unplug the mind for as long as possible to allow it to heal. Good night.




…Hold up, no. Don't end this yet.
This is Jay. I usually show up at the end, sorry for that, but it feels fitting.
Knife just walked up to me, in tears, asking "what happened," and I just felt… more complete, more whole than I have in… I want to say "years," but it's probably just days. Days are becoming mini-lifetimes by now, in any case.
But there he was, crying, knowing there was pain, asking where all the blood came from, what happened?? We looked, it wasn't bad actually, nothing deep like Razor does, nothing major. But it had happened, that fact alone was heartbreaking. Knife said Julie was totally distraught, and honestly guys I am not surprised, because I saw her sitting by herself after that hack on Sunday, and the look on her face just ached to see. It was grim, determined, almost too stoic to decipher-- but there was this knowing in her eyes and a pain in her posture that I understood too well. She hasn't forgotten what brought her to where she is now. She knows what happens with hacks. And they are still happening. That look was something I can't put into words, but it broke my heart to see it, and God knows I want this to stop just as much as she does.
But then there's the lack of emotion. There it is, the Plague. It sneaks into my confetti-colored head and it smiles, and it tries to make me believe that it's fine that hacks are happening, why do you care? It's not real, who cares! Except I'm re-reading Young Wizards and that thing feels way too much like the Lone Power.
Oh. About that. Yesterday I power-read through the entirety of High Wizardry, which we originally read over a decade ago, and which there was only the faintest recognition of. The last chapter was a roller coaster of an experience, and the last 20 pages or so had me in legitimate tears. I will not spoil it for you (good Lord go read it) but I will say that I actually had to stop, two or three times, because there was such powerful relevance to headspace and I kept thinking Infi, Infi, this is all Infinitii's message-- and when I closed the book around 1AM ze was there, and I was a mess, and I cannot forget what happened in those first moments.
I was crumpled up in a corner somewhere, in headspace, in a bright place of white light… but miserable. The final chapter of the book had forced me to realize just how much awfulness was in me, in our collective self-- all the selfishness, the bitterness, the dishonesty, the rage, every derivation of negative death, every contribution to entropy. I saw it all and I felt every regret we had and it ripped through me like a blade and I was devastated, I couldn't bear it. I ended up in that corner, wanting to just disappear, ashamed to exist with all that trailing me, us. And then something velvet-black against the light walked over, paused, looked down with something untranslatable in its many eyes, and said: "Jay.
You do realize, I know all of those things, completely?"
I did realize, and the aching shame was unendurable. I said nothing.
"I still love you."
I looked up then, self-hatred and disbelief coloring me bitter.
"How could you?"
At that, Infinitii's expression softened, just a little, just enough.
"How could I not?"
So that was that.
Sorry I can't quite do it justice. We spoke for a bit after that and it felt so entirely cathartic I was shocked; I couldn't remember the last time this chest felt so clear.

Here are some other bits of data the other writers here forgot to/ didn't know about to mention--
- I knew I was in trouble Sunday morning but the body was so exhausted we had no choice but to sleep. I went to Javier's room and slept there hoping he could help protect me, but apparently when I sleep I get "yanked out" of headspace and so he was helpless. He also was not at fault, which I had to emphasize when I returned and he was almost hysterical with misplaced remorse.
- Lynne slept over in my room on Saturday night I think? Just for fun, as I'd been talking to her all that day and anyway I miss the platonic closeness I used to have with everyone. So that was nice.
- I was also talking to Kyanos on Saturday night, as we did our nightly walk. His eyes glow, he does have stained-glass wings, which he said settled in after he was assigned his surname (Kathedrikos).
- I'm trying to tap into people's energy fields again, upstairs. Scent is the easiest as it's the most ethereal, so I'm starting there. Lynne is still rosin/ violin wood/ peaches, while Laurie is still blood/ steel/ lightning. There's also this odd subtle "vibe" to them both that I found interesting-- kind of how for a lot of people, the smell of homemade bread has a "vibe" of comfort and security, due to associations with that sort of environment. Lynne, unsurprisingly, has the vibe of our old violin music school-- comforting and bright, but warm and safe, without feeling "stagnant" like a home. There was a slight bright edge of excitement to it, the knowledge that you were "on the road" but that place was a safe haven in the meantime. Lots of warmth. Laurie, though, has this somewhat personal vibe of protection, again unsurprisingly. But I say "personal" in that Lynne's vibe is more "expansive," like it feels bigger, while Laurie's is very contained, just me and her really, without being "too close." It's basically the knowledge that she's got your back, elaborated into something that feels, oddly, just as "at home" as Lynne does in a different way. Just wanted to mention that.
- Marigold smells like marigolds, the bright warm summery kind. David smells like a blanket (a very cute scent actually) and freshly fallen snow (which surprised me). I can't tune into Jeremiah's field yet-- he's too reticent, which is understandable and okay. Kyanos is-- as he was-- fresh morning air with a late note of honey. Nathaniel smells like a tree. It's hilarious. It's extremely subtle; leaves don't have much of a scent as-is but it's unmistakable. And there's this over-scent I cannot place, something very fine and silvery, delicate stuff. It's not mint, there was some once but there's none now. Leon, though, has this unusual smell of something like brass? I briefly tuned in and I got that vibe-- not the sharp metallic scent some metals have, but this oddly warm and golden tune. And there's something over it that's either vanilla or frankincense and I cannot tell. It's really interesting, as I haven't "checked" on anyone's energy like this in a while and it's amazing to see how it varies over time, with people. Lastly, though, I am happy to report that Knife is still all woodsmoke, but I'm thinking that odd sweet-rich undertone is actually roses, like old dried roses or something. I don't know. It's been ages since I last smelled one but I'll have to find one now, see if the data matches up. Anyway that's that, sorry for the rambling but this is really fascinating to me and I value it.

I tend to get larger blocks of residual data than others, and I'm present for Upstairs stuff typically, so there you go. It is important to write this down. Attention gives power. Attention needs to go to us.

There's a lot that still needs to be written (especially about therapy last week, which I'm working on, and the "memory list" we apparently need to write? oh, and a list of "safe places" for therapy this week) but I'm starting to get slippery. It's late anyway, we need sleep.

I haven't read a jot of this entry at the time of posting this, so I apologize if there's anything unfinished or in need of editing… I have no idea who wrote what, as usual. But I'm glad something was written.

We'll try again tomorrow. Here's to that.

 

 

 

 

 

oh my heart I can feel heartspace tonight. everyone's around. everyone's alive. it's been too long.

We got the nerve to drive down to Cannon's old campus again today, to see a choral concert. I had to. Choirs sound like me; I can't not see them perform when I get the chance, it breaks my heart. But for some reason I was scared and sad and sick this evening, I was trying to find an excuse to not go... but then I realized that staying home was not an option. Like energetically, I could feel that was not a choice I wanted to take, or even could. I had to go out. I just had to get the nerve, to go out in the dark and cold and rain, to make that long journey in order to hear something blissful.
Then Laurie showed up. Laurie showed up. I remember I was in my room, still pulling myself together, and all of a sudden I could hear her voice asking, "kid, are we going or what?"
I didn't know what to think. "You're still alive?" I was caught between doubt and resentment and disbelieving joy and everything else. Then I noticed the new red scar on her throat. She went through with it. No wonder I couldn't find her.
We talked for a bit. She said she wasn't going to let anyone mess with me anymore, she was dead set now. And she wasn't going to let me back out on myself either. So we talked as I got ready, and by the time I made it out to the car I had seen Lynne and Julie (still wearing her pink sweater) and Josephina and Waldorf and Nathaniel and Leon and Javier too. Genesis was going to tag along for the ride, but then... well, as I was headed up the highway I began to cry like a child (it's the only way we can cry), and the people upstairs got worried, can we help? I couldn't reply, I was in a non-self expressional state, I needed to get this sorrow and fear out somehow or it would play havoc with our driving. Then all of a sudden, there was a green-blue shift in the air to my right, a sort of settling in, and Chaos was there.
Let me say something. Chaos rarely ghosts, I can't remember the last time he did actually. But he did tonight, I knew he did because I could feel his presence appear next to me and stick around, it's obvious when someone is there and I can't forget the exact vibe of him. But... I didn't expect the peace. Barely 20 seconds after he showed up I wasn't nervous anymore, and when I realized that I was shocked. It just... dissipated. The entire aura of space in the car felt serene, safe, calm. I didn't expect that. But I am so thankful for it, and I am not surprised that it happened either.
Javier drove for a bit on the highway; I was slipping and all the red lights around us called him in. He was surprised at first, Chaos was giving him pointers as to where to go (he's old enough to remember the Cannon days) and Javes was just trying to stay put, because switching consciously while driving is practically a deathwish. We took the back roads, I was able to come back in at that point, just let things go on automatic because really we haven't driven those roads in about 5 years now. But we made it.

We parked by the old art building and there was a sort of resonance to it, but no solid memory. None of that at all, it's strange. I looked up and saw the top floor lit up, all dark and open with just that one red exit sign, and I remembered that one night Cannon stayed there until 11pm just drawing with pastels. We were still so young then, even art-wise. Looking back on that I felt the growth and that was really something. But that was all. I knew if I went in we'd have the same memory fondness-- that building is one of the places our memory has stored as a "static location," something we can limitedly wander through in recollections. No time for that tonight though.
The choir concert was in the campus chapel, a pretty little place not far from that same building. We got there about 20 minutes early, and for some reason only one other person wanted to sit in the front row, so we got the best seats in the house, haha.
And it was so worth it. Seriously I was enthralled the entire time.
My favorites were "Sechs Sprüche, Op. 79: I. Weihnachten" by Felix Mendelssohn, "I Will Lift Mine Eyes" by Jake Runestad (that one felt profoundly reassuring), "Exsultate" and "In The Bleak Midwinter" by Brian Edward Galante (the latter was GORGEOUS live; I was about two feet away from the violinist), and "Mary's Lullay" by Alejandro Consolacion II-- which he revised for this performance, so it was the first time ANYONE had heard that version of it (choir and organ). It was seriously lovely; Infinitii really liked that one. Honestly though Alejandro is fantastic, I don't know how I never heard of him before now but I am glad that has changed because I am going to listen to everything he has ever written. Galante, too, talk about a cool style.

The drive home was lovely, because everyone was hanging out upstairs and decorating because we need to be more festive.
We drove through the ritzy house place again, Leon and Nathaniel especially were gawking at it. ("Those are houses??" )
In town I noticed that the windshield wipers sounded almost like a heartbeat, and got kind of distracted. Laurie jumped in and asked if I was okay; were those still labeled as a threat? I said no, with real conviction, no they weren't, they shouldn't be. However then I realized my absolute faith in that was due to the heavy-duty soul-searching and research I'd been doing lately, and I couldn't explain that while driving, let alone in brief. Thankfully Infinitii appeared as well, for support and protection both, and surprisingly spoke up-- saying that heartbeats were the sound of life, and that all life happened through "sexual" unity, BUT that word has been completely redefined in our System and it is not dangerous, it has nothing to do with hackers or abusers. Yes I was going to get flustered whenever I heard one, because the intimacy of it was not something that could be taken lightly, but I was NOT to assume that such vulnerability and openness meant people could take advantage of it. That was wrong. I'm paraphrasing and I'm not doing it justice, but it was good to realize that I was on the same terms as Infi with that, completely. I know that whole topic is kind of an ancient thing for us, but we never seem to stop learning, which is weird. Anyway it was the first time in a long time I was able to deal with such a sound, such a context, without freaking out from guilt or shame or paranoia. That's extremely notable. (I guess it helped that it was raining, too.)
Xenophon showed up in the car when we were halfway home, I forget what called her but she was surprised yet happy to see both her parental figures in the car that time. So we took the long way home to look at Christmas lights (her request), and I spontaneously started singing Christmas carols and laughing. I told her Christmas is a state of mind, it's a season of gratitude and generosity and love and wonder and hope, that it's a feeling you keep in your heart. That's what made it magical. I said I wished I could give her the sort of Christmases I had as a child, there in the outerworld, but I realized we can give her something better inside and that really does my heart good.
I remember Eros showed up almost tangibly on the way home-- we drove past a house with red and white-blue lights, and it felt very resonant with me, but I questioned "wasn't red/white Eros' thing" and he superimposed his presence in the space to my left, saying no, the red-white was definitely my thing. He left shortly after that but I found it surprising how clearly he was percievable there.

We got home and Xenophon and I chilled out under the tree for a while-- it's done up like my boss this year, all red lights and golden glitter swirls and glass, I adore it so-- looking at the ceramic town and trees. Xennie was saying "who lived where" and decided Laurie lived in the blacksmith shop (which she agreed to with a grin), and she herself owned the candy store. We then found a clocktower piece on the coffee table, and put it in front of the blacksmith's shop. Laurie jokingly said it could be a reminder to all her "potential customers" that "time waits for no man and neither does she," so either you're on time or you're up the creek. Xennie was giggling at all this, it was great.
At some point later on I peeked back in at heartspace and saw Lynne and Julie talking inside a place that looked like the Boyle's house from Dishonored. I asked if it was and Lynne said yeah, "they knew how to throw a party" so she figured we'd borrow the festivity, and also the architecture. They were putting a huge tree up in the middle of the entrance hall; it looked almost crystalline, all rainbow lights. Waldorf was hanging blue lights on it but then she paused, asked if we wanted the colors scattered or in rainbow bands? How exactly were we doing this tree? After a bit of consideration (during which Knife hung a few pink crystal crosses on the lower branches), everyone decided that each color deserved more than just a small representation here; so we'd have a rainbow-white tree here, and then everyone else could do up their own single-color trees in their own places. Someone then asked Infi what ze would be doing. Waldorf joked that ze could use blacklights on hir tree, and Infi played along by "forming" a small black tree out of shadow for Waldorf to do just that to. She was giggling madly at that alone, with Laurie joking that it looked "like one of those awful bowling alleys," but then Javier ran over and said "not yet, it needs these" and started sticking glow-in-the-dark stars on it. Lynne burst out laughing, Laurie threw her hands in the air and walked away. I have no idea what they're doing with the gaudy UV tree but I hope someone keeps it as a joke because that was funny.

Now I'm here, and I'm exhausted. Remind me to go outside and run first thing in the morning, I did that the other day when it was all foggy out (it was heaven, and yes I do have photos) and it was blissful so I want to make it a habit. It helps my mood and my muscles both.
I'm wearing my bro's old Steely Dan concert shirt to sleep in tonight, because I can. I'm laughing though because I keep hearing "Aja, when all my dime dancing is through, I run to you~" playing on loop in my head now. So many Steely Dan songs were memes between my bro and I, really, it's funny. To this day we can't hear Donald Fagen's voice without exchanging an immediate "aha" look and laughing about something.
Jewel holds all that, admittedly. She holds a lot of that stuff. Which is fine; I'm glad it still belongs to someone, because it's nice stuff.

I want to look through the stored, old Christmas memories sometime soon. Maybe when lying in bed in the morning, before I need to get up. There are snippets that I can find still-- the plate of cookies we'd leave out in the living room, which we hand-decorated with that icing I'll never forget the taste of... the oats-and-glitter mix we'd toss on the back yard for the reindeer... the train we used to have around the tree and the unmistakable smoky smell that accompanied its happy whistle... the red-green lights lining the eaves of the house, all little fat painted lightbulbs... mum playing Andy Williams and Frank Sinatra and all the old crooner Christmas albums on loop as she wrapped and decorated... the exact smell of the santa outfit and beard my dad would wear when he came in the back door: a mix of cold wind and warm fabric and smoke and cologne... the way the living room looked on Christmas morning, overflowing with mountains of presents. There's so much profound comfort and love in those memories. I'll find a way to share them with Xenophon. She deserves it.

Anyway. Today was one of those weird, complicated days that start out tricky but never really feel bad, just turbulent and upset. I'm so glad we were able to transmute that tonight. Must have something to do with all the alchemy research I'm doing lately, haha. Hoenstly though I'm burning out my brain, I am reading so much that it's making me tired and angry, I want to read but really I need to pace myself better. I am learning a LOT, though-- and it's profoundly helpful in many areas, notably self-awareness and Dream World symbolism (AGAIN, why does it always work)-- so I'm not going to quit. Just need to be wiser about it. One day at a time.


I know I haven't had an update like this in a while and I apologize. I sincerely hope all you readers are doing well; we love you and hope that the spirit of this season reaches you wherever you are.

 

 

 

 

okay I apologize if this is an utter mess but I need to write this down now, because I will not remember it in the morning.


11:30pm. hack attempts. cannon screaming in car. her shouting hurt terribly, mentally and physically. then went on porch to try and find quiet, but she was still screaming, threatening, insults. very loud. then laurie showed up, they were fighting? it's blurry. anyway I know for a fact that julie showed up, extremely distraught, began angrily asking why this was happening. who in the world was causing hack attempts again, and why?? again I'm sorry but I can't remember much of this, just visuals and vibe. cannon asked her why she was "dressing like a two-penny whore" (julie still wears minimal clothing) and julie just straightened up, gave her a stern look and said that she was dressing how she felt comfortable, and that only cannon was calling her a whore. she strongly added that no one deserved to be called such things based on their dress; it was completely unwarranted, and in truth only spoke as to the inner opinions and vision of the one using the term. anyway cannon backed off at this, I think faded out? because then next thing I recall is laurie and julie sitting down, discussing the situation, trying to pinpoint just who was responsible, who was just letting hack attempts happen without caring or fighting?
I mentioned the numb-gray voice that's been fronting for weeks, said it was "so tired" all the time it literally just did what it was told to do. like the AP but not robotic; this one was absolutely resigned and just wanted total nothingness. it wasn't fighting off hack attempts because it had no strength or motivation to do so; it just gave up and then hackers took over.
somewhere around here laurie said something a little too flippantly, julie jumped up and told her to stop acting like that. "I miss the old you." saying laurie was losing her edge, she was slipping. surprisingly laurie agreed, said that her new tendency to laugh everything off was a "different set of walls," and it was "making her color gray out." julie vehemently agreed, said laurie needed to be fierce again, unflinching, and not tolerating of the things she was now just mocking or brushing aside. she had to be a knight again, she had to get her brutality back because without it her function was failing. ultimately laurie did tap into this and her color notably clarified, it scared me a little to think that she had been falling somewhat. I'll admit I'd been terrified too and she'd been feeling too strange lately but I had been too doubtful of "whether or not this was better" to speak up. again, due to the numbness.

anyway on that note I think they asked me to look for the numb voice then, so they could deal with it somehow. all I know for sure is that I tried, and felt that gray voice move in almost immediately. laurie reached forwards and yanked it out, upstairs it manifested as an almost ghostly form-- no real body, just misty white in a humanoid shape.
I think julie was yelling at it, no idea. it was unstable and kept catching vibes of other 'bodiless' voices so laurie was trying to keep it solid but it was getting violent. then, at some point javier showed up! that was a surprise. he was very angry, actually pushed laurie back and grabbed that spectre by the throat, demanding what it was trying to prove, etc. shockingly it grinned and immediately turned into jezebel?? javier let go in surprise, there was tar on his hand. laurie tried to zap it off but javier said no, then summoned flames up and down his arms, burnt it away. but jezebel kept attacking, getting more on him than he could handle. laurie was holding her off the best she could, but then she shouted for infi's help.
ze showed up immediately in a very shocking manner; sort of a full-room "coalescing" vibe, wings wide and angry. grabbed all the tar off javier, split it into three throwing daggers and flung them at jezebel. pinned her to the wall! she grinned, that was of course only temporary, and pulled them out in order to be able to move again. however those few seconds were all infi needed-- ze instantly became this monstrous thing of crystal teeth and eyes, loomed over her. jezebel actually looked afraid, but she then laughed and turned into a semi-humanoid mess of tangled tar, tried to infect hir. but infi said (voice sounded VERY different) that she could not corrupt hir, and in an instant ze chomped down on the jezebel-tar thing. that caused the tar to break and then splash as neutralized black energy; the immediate conversion was clearly visible.
jezebel was still fighting, trying to infect hir still (if enough pure tar got into infi at once it would indeed be a problem), but then infi did something unusual. maybe via hir teeth, when ze bit again, all the black energy began to pop and crackle in this bright white explosions? picture several flashbulbs going off at once, with a sound like fireworks. this caused the black energy to be totally flipped to white energy on the spot. jezebel stopped fighting, left nothing but the tar, infi kept eating it. again every single bite caused the white light pops, even as ze swallowed it. once the tar was totally converted to white energy, infi changed hir form a bit again, huge mouth, snakelike. coughed up one huge crystal (hexagon? hit floor and barely even rolled; very heavy), then did a lot of almost convulsive form-warping to spit out another, slightly bigger one. infi then reverted back to normal I assume-- for some reason, as infi was coughing up the second crystal, I completely 'tuned out' of headspace. no idea why; I can't remember.

the next thing I can remember is infi kneeling in front of me, asking if I was okay. I was sitting on the ground and feeling incredibly dazed. javier and laurie were behind hir, julie standing a little behind them. I can't remember if I said anything.

anyway, long story short, infinitii decided to try to "tear" the foggy gray voice 'into' me, instead of out-- so it would take my place in the upstairs body (that can happen for cores, only them though). that way it would stay stable and maybe they could talk to it. I know for sure that nathaniel was called in to 'hold me down,' to be an extra stabilizing force. so he knelt to my right and held my shoulders.
well anyway the first attempt or three didn't work entirely. infi reached into my chest field and pulled out this stringy-gray (like actual tangled string) energy mass, looked somewhat confused at this. no matter what it wasn't clearing out though. I still felt awful inside. anyway I was already massively dissociated so infi pulled me half-out of the body (reached way back in and yanked). I immediately lost body senses-- I was now floating in some vague position 'within' the body field, but I was technically not in the body anymore. however no one else was fully in it, and I was stuck somehow. not a clean break in any case.
then after a moment of consideration, infi apologized, flared hir wings and shoved me out, with a double-handed push to the chest. it had massive force. flung me back into 'levelless' white space (straight out of that headspace level!). I hit a wall with my back and then fell forwards to floor, on my knees. crystal shards fell scattered around me? like broken glass. anyway the impact helped too, as I felt disconnected but clear now, except for my head, which still had that tarry fog feeling.
realized there was this wand-shaped crystal going straight through my skull, from the center of my forehead back to the base of my cerebellum? slight angle. this scared me, but I tried to calm down, wanted it out. remembered that inner imagery is very important, figured this was symbolizing some sort of plagued 'frozen' effect on my third eye or something. but it was definitely showing me a big problem.
I think I called leon. either way, he showed up, to my left. I couldn't quite talk, so I indicated the problem. he moved in front of me, then carefully pulled the crystal out. some residue got on his hands from it? looked like silver skidmarks. I think the crystal crumbled. he burned it off with a flare of indigo energy points, the white residue fell off softly like snowflakes. I thought that was fitting.
then leon placed one hand on both 'holes' in my head, said that needed to be 'flushed out.' he considered calling someone but neither of us knew who, so after a moment of hesitant anxiety he decided he'd do it; after all he was the best man for the job. so through his hands, he began filling the hole in my head with indigo light.
as he did, I saw the energy filling my vision downstairs, this gorgeous hue, but all sparkly dots slowly filling my head and my eyes. there was a moment of fear and awe; "this is real. this is actually happening." I pushed the fear aside, focused on the feeling of healing. very peaceful, grateful.
leon said we needed to 'cover up' the holes? essentially said it couldn't be left wide open like that or dangerous things could get in; it'd be 'too open.' I had a sudden mental image of a bandage on my forehead like naota from flcl, didn’t question it, felt relevant.
leon then asked, couldn't I keep power jewels on all the time? I said yeah, probably (I think eros had the set in the past). leon said I should, if I could. that would help immensely.

I could feel they wanted me back upstairs but couldn't get back myself. leon said he'd warp me back, so he did. laurie immediately asked how he got there, leon briefly mentioned the mind's-eye thing. then he saw nat to my right and smiled so genuinely, greeted him. and I got this huge flash that 'that was important.'

on that note, I was still super-dazed so memory is bad. but I clearly remember that leon ended up back in front of me, and I wasn't in the body?? he was talking to the numb gray voice!!! (which was responding to the name 'fogbank?' at least temporarily)
it was actually very upset about this topic? it kept trying to leave, to unplug the entire inner vision from headspace and 'numb out,' but although its influence was surprisingly powerful, infi wouldn't let it leave; kept pulling it back in. we asked it why it was so exhausted, why was it so loathe to perceive the inner world, why was that so tiring for it? leon added something to that question, asked if that feeling was tied to the 'floating voices?' it said yes, that was especially exhausting, but then it explained why. apparently this gray voice was terrified that, if it did open up its third eye in truth (leon said it was closed in fear), that it would be "obligated" to become a channel and nothing more. it would then be required to become nothing but a conduit for floating voices, for angels or aliens or whoever, to do nothing but become their mouthpiece. it felt that, if it became aware of such beings outside of itself, then it HAD to sacrifice any and all feelings of individuality, of having a body, of being a person. it needed to become "totally selfless." it saw no other option, and it was so tired, it just numbed out rather than face that "inescapable fate" that it said would happen IF it tuned back into intuitive knowing and things.
laurie spoke up here, said that's exactly how the child fronters thought. they existed ONLY for the leagueworlds; they lived to write and draw, and that was it. only the dawn of headspace forced a 'sense of self' to truly develop, and that occurrence has long been seen as a sort of "original sin" by many downstairs voices in the system. anyway leon added that there was nothing wrong with individuality, but even in his saying that I could feel a massive denial from the mind. it didn't believe him and was afraid to; it still strongly believed that "only total selflessness was good." at that, either laurie or javier said that's why headspace is being ignored; we're all facets of self, we're all individualized parts of soul, and according to that old moral code we shouldn't exist, because that very individualization was "wrong."
right around then leon moved his hands on the body's head again, filling it with indigo light. he looked upset and sad, but began telling the gray voice that this was what real intuition felt like; it wasn't barking orders, it wasn't constant stress, it wasn't fear. he then said "it's this," and actually kissed my forehead where it had been impaled. instantly there was this slow bloom of compassion from somewhere down in the chest, deep indigo color.
leon continued talking to it. he said that if you hold fear, you see fear. if you hold love, you see love. therefore the fogbank voice, as long as it was quietly terrified of what it might see, would never be able to see us in that mindset. but by the same token, it didn't ever have to be afraid of us. we would never treat it like the floating voices would. ultimately at the end of whatever he was saying he paused and then deliberately kissed its forehead again. right then, whoever was speaking through the body changed. like the fogbank voice couldn't hold that feeling so strongly. this new voice felt like pieces of someone forming, or trying to anchor. but it spoke to leon for a bit, repeating back that same train of thought, so leon's eyes lit up as he realized that whoever was in the body now understood.
however, the most notable bit about it was, right before it left (it was fading fast), it was holding this feeling of water internally? like an actual space, inside the chest cavity, this indigo-blue deep water in a very mosque-like room. both leon and nat caught attention, infi too due to the architecture. leon was excitedly talking about it, saying "that is what I meant" as far as energy vibes go, asked where that water was? infi said it was definitely not the chthonic water; that was very different (I think javier said something about it). and yet both those waters were "held" in that space in the body: within the ribs.
so that on top of leon's compassion made us suddenly realize the most important thing: the mind and the heart NEED to be linked. especially in order for intuition to work right at ALL.
I also remember, after that realization, leon ended up embracing nat in tears, really sincerely. I overheard him say "I love you" and I realized that was the first time I'd heard him say it in front of other people. nevertheless nat responded to him in kind. the whole thing was deeply moving personally.

power jewels were again mentioned somewhere around here. I couldn't get any to manifest though; instead there was this really bright flash like a lightbulb blowing out and it hurt, I apologized. felt like my forehead was charred. leon said he was sorry, didn't mean to make me feel like I had to force anything. I said I was just surprised I couldn't get the old ones to work anymore.

something happened here; I 'shorted out' mentally due to overstrain and the SPECTRUM started talking on the mind-heart topic instead?? everyone shut up quick, that’s like having god suddenly send you a telegram. I am so sorry but I forget its exact words, because since my body has to be technically empty for that to happen, the plague crept in fast. it was talking about the fogbank voice at the time; said it was allegedly a Gray slot holder? but which slot we didn't know. anyway I clearly remember the Plague asking if the fogbank voice was the true gray core, as a neutralizer. it then asked if Sherlock was "neutral or not" but that felt accusatory and proud. anyway we felt the switch, upon which infi ran over, and fiercely got it out of my body (easy as it was the only thing in there)-- ze threw it across the room I think. all I really remember is seeing this huge evil-feeling crystal mass over to the right, laurie quickly asked infi if he could purify it, ze said "I could but it’s not easy; that's jay's job." well I was still stuck in interim space but I was not going to slack off. so I focused as hard as I could and willed myself into the crystals. laurie saw this, shouted "jay what the hell are you doing" and got out her axe. but i wasnt scared (too floaty to be so) and i quickly sent out a burst of light to fill the crystals, and held it like a glow. that clarity defused the plague, it was gone; I was now inside the crystals. they collapsed all at once like flour or snow, I was some sort of amorphous shape in the middle, rather dazed. everyone ran over, infi first, ze took my face in hir hands and pressed our foreheads together, I felt ze was overwhelmed with relief. ze then asked me if I was okay, but that action basically white-washed my mind with content bliss, so I couldn't respond. laurie was worried at my silence, but infi smiled and assured her that I was fine-- basically, since i wasn't responding in words to that action, that was a good sign. if i hadn't been so affected by hir sincerity then there would be a problem.
I was very tired, slipping a bit. infi embraced me then, head to my chest and wings around me. everyone resumed the conversation while I just soaked up the positive vibes finally and held the consciousness stable.
on that note, as we spoke we realized that the fogbank voice actually has a VERY important role if used right-- it keeps the mind from being too overwhelmed?


archivists showed up; opened ceiling gate and jumped down (left it open for light).
I cannot remember when or why, just that they were a massive help for the current topic.
I do know they were talking about the water from before-- water in and of itself was important. I remember thinking of cz, knew there had to be some sort of link. garrison said, rather brightly, "chaos zero has had a profound impact on the aqua slot," despite him now being in the White spectrum (due to outspacers finally moving entirely).
someone asked if aqua was still tied to "devotion and fortitude," garrison said that was still being checked. isadora said that definitely fit him; he was utterly devoted to his work and the service of others. garrison agreed like she had just stated the weather; a nod and a 'well of course,' as if not being so devoted was unthinkable. I think isadora said, maybe aqua is tied to 'selflessness' of the right sort? garrison wondered momentarily, then animatedly drew up the aqua slot hexagon in the air, began comparing that to its other holders.
minty, our sleeper, works as a messenger and comforter. her whole job is helping other people. einsatz is mute but a musician, who lets himself 'be devoured by' the music (as isadora said) so he can share that same absolute wonder of it with others. emmett and tobiko are both e.d. voices who make sure the body doesn't get sick, and deal with maintenance to alleviate any sickness that may occur. both also deal(t) with the purgation issue, which although a failsafe measure, is still problematic and depressing-- and which takes a lot of guts and selflessness to hold as a job.
so yeah that might work for aqua. anyway the core is still unknown.

i remember that as garrison was finding stuff out, kalisha was writing it all down on a big clipboard pad, as she did it went into the data archives? that was awesome to see.

isadora has this ability to "pull things out of thin air," both with ideas and also in the way people kept pulling stuff and people out of me earlier. apparently she has a powerful knack for it.
I know she DID pull something/someone out of me at one point, but for the life of me I cannot remember what.

someone called sherlock in. he was "below" our space, he seemed reticent to come up at first but did. opened a gate like a door and walked through it. the other archivists actually bowed a little in respect when he showed up.
(I keep getting this weird feeling that sherlock heard the plague accusation earlier but that doesn't fit temporally; I'm probably getting something confused. I apologize for any inaccuracy as a result; I'll fix this later if my memory cooperates.)


in light of the individuality thing, sherlock did point out that's what causes "name mixups" among partners in headspace usually. like I'll accidentally call nat 'leon,' etc. sherlock said it's because when people's energy gets that close, that it blurs a little? and so on some level of consciousness they're recognized as 'one being' in a sense. kind of like a smaller manifestation of how we are as a system.


I think we started discussing colors again then.
anyway, ultimately I remember javier telling nat and leon what red energy's 'role' felt like; he said it was tied to the raw joy of life? it was the feeling of existing, of residing in a physical form, of being a living being. it was like the feeling of blood in the veins, of creating art with your bare hands. like a fire inside. he was excited and wrapped up in describing it, although struggling to find fitting words. but really he was radiating the essence so we got it.
he then asked spine to describe what brown energy was like, because that was a totally different sort of grounding. spine paused, then said it was like the earth, like stone under the earth. it was silent and solitary, but it was strong, and it knew and cared for all the 'red' life that it supported. she said it was the bones in the body, like her; it was a foundation, not holding the passion of red but instead holding a sort of calm power. again the vibe was crystal-clear from her. also the whole time she spoke (deliberately, with slightly broken language) lynne was giving her this look of total proud affection and admiration. spine looked at her once and since I was a 'floating awareness' then I saw it, and it was so clear.

someone asked lynne what orange was like? "was it tied to femininity as a whole"? the conversation got kind of convoluted, lynne said she was originally reddish but it was more cerise, and then julie asked "is that what the cerise slot is like?" lynne said she didn't know, I think javier asked what the difference was between pink and cerise. julie said we weren't sure, but she began describing what pink felt like-- it was soft and light, like cotton candy and flower petals, totally soothing but affectionate. very light! while cerise had a sort of denseness to it.
mulberry and jeremiah showed up then, had felt the resonance (that's typical). jeremiah smiled and walked over to sit by javier, just seeing him look so simply happy really lit me up.
mulberry talking about her role, kind professionalism. some confusion here as there's no cerise core yet and mulberry has had role trouble. I remember sherlock was helping her out on that topic though (they are buddies after all).
someone said cerise felt like 'femininity plus masculinity,' like a balance?
jeremiah spoke up to support that; said his job was that of a protector to the children, to take away all pain from them. it was a 'masculine' role; he had to be strong, tough, unflinching, unafraid. and yet he also had to be 'feminine' for the children-- compassionate, empathetic, soft, nurturing. his job required a balance of both in harmony. this fit mulberry, too.
so that's the main difference between cerise and pink; both hold femininity but cerise has a "punch" to it

lynne finally got to talk about orange in light of that. again reiterated her role wasn't just femininity. her role was literally becoming the sort of person our core could never be: a woman who loved what she was, who loved her life and could live it in total joyous strength. that feeling was very 'orange' really

jo said yellow was more exuberant, fiercely independent in a personal sense. orange was more 'mellow' and dealt with interactions; it was more community oriented essentially. 'personable' vs 'personal'
waldorf spoke up for a while then. said blue was tied to communication, but she had started off as a sort of 'literary muse'-- a being who held bits and pieces of every source that inspired jewel's work style. but that was communication too; people put their ideas out there into the world, fearlessly, not being afraid of their own voice. and others listened, and shared in it. waldorf was saying that's kind of like blue was like? both the speaking and the listening; like this sharp inner awareness within a sense of calm?
she used the phrase "truth in technology" at one point, I caught an allusion to her techno-trees from yesterday before she went on.
she also mentioned the scratched-disc necklace, not only was that an outside borrow (xilats), but in a way it did fit her role? she got a bit angry/upset, I remember her saying "hindsight is 20/20" and she was one of the oldest headvoices in the system. so she knew what people kept trying to "rewind" to, and it wouldn't work. too much had happened, too much had grown, and it was beautiful. you can't try to reset everything to live in a false projected "everything is perfect" ideal. waldorf said that wasn't the truth, and it was effectively a desire to "erase the story that was written" or something. a blackout of communication, a total lack of listening to truth. really blue is quite complex! there's no real "roots" to the color, shockingly, not yet at least. it's rich but vague. garrison agreed; said the only other confirmed blue is "nienna," who also deals with communication.
(the gent was not mentioned, which garrison realized with shock later; this may be because he's still arguably a fragment, totally faceless. nevertheless unintentional skips must always be taken seriously.)


concerns about color slippage.
MAJOR warnings to laurie, from sherlock notably. julie backed him up on this again. laurie didn't disagree at all, promised to do better, sincerely.
lynne saying laurie was "whitening" too much, but she herself was getting "too dark?" there was too much negativity getting thrown into the feminine idea, and it was catching her badly.
julie got very upset about this again, I remember her wringing her hands in her hair and trying not to cry from anger.


I cannot remember how all this ended.
my brother came out onto the porch while lynne was speaking at one point, so suddenly there was light and noise, and I had to move inside. when I did I realized it was 12:30 and, now that I was up and moving, that the body was massively tired. so I jumped back inside for a few minutes, we all agreed that I had better go write this all down before it started to fade (total consciousness level switch!) and here I am.

now honestly it is 2 hours after that and I cannot think. so this is what we've got. hope it works!
much love to all my system mates I love you guys so much

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 03:46 am

oh. almost forgot to post this earlier.

today i went outside and i never wanted to go back inside.
the sunlight was so warm, the leaves are starting to fall, the air is wonderful. it's heaven.
i forgot how good pine sap smells. it got all over my hands.
i went and stood by the lilac tree, put my hands on a branch, felt so much life in it. i was really humbled by that. everything outside is so tangibly alive. i miss it terribly, getting buried in it all.
of course i said hello to my favorite cherry tree, i love it so. i hugged it and realized that its bark smells really lovely too. not something you can put into words at all.
stood on the lawn for a while and watched the sun go down. i keep wanting to drink sunlight. like i am literally only ever hungry for light or sound anymore. the other day i actually tried to drink the sunset like gaudior drinks moonlight. it surprised me when i couldnt do so actually. kind of heartbreakingly frustrating when things dont line up like that.
but i will need to start going outside for at least a solid hour every day again. i need to. i have to, it's too nice


the only problem dear is be careful, you forget everything else.
you get so lost in the trees that you forget to live. you want to stand on that lawn forever and never go back to being a person.
definitely go outside, sure. definitely immerse yourself in that love. but be careful.
that massive dissociation caused some massive hack attempts this evening, which you wouldn't know about. but please be careful.


...
jay here. it's 3:25am and i am listening to this and i need to write this down.
last night. i went to sleep around this same time and cz was there, as always. he was mostly asleep though due to the time.
but... i forget what i said. i remember feeling sad because emotions are still tricky. i wondered why he was always there, i asked him don't you have anywhere else to be?
his eyes were barely open, one arm around my shoulder. he said no. i asked why.
...he said i was his home. literally, "because you're my home."
i laughed at first. what do you mean, i'm your home, what about the emerald shrine? what about the places where you were long before you met me? you belong there more, surely. why aren't they your home, even now?
and he just said, "because home is where the heart is."
...
he wasn't even looking at me. he was barely even awake. and yet isn't that when we're the most honest?
my eyes drifted down to that ruby and i failed to hold back a sob, only to have it come out as "i love you." it ached.
and he just smiled. "i love you too." eyes still closed. but i could see him clear as day.
i miss that.
i miss all of this, and i hate this lie of a void in my heart, this hollow emptiness brazenly standing in front of everything and pretending that there's nothing behind it.
but the air has the scent of the ocean, of the rain, of the river, always, always. and even if it makes no fucking sense you can't lie to me. it's there. and it has never not been there.

the night before, his eyes were green in the dark again. undeniable. i still don't know how to explain that.
genesis was there i think. infi was with us on friday. laurie is always nearby.

you know laurie keeps teasing me about the kissing thing and i know it's because she's got walls up
she knows the real reason. it's because i can't do something that intimate with someone unless there is sincere trust there.
laurie has seen me at my worst. she's seen me bleed. she's seen me die.
and she's seen my brightest days, too. all the love and light and hope.
well guess what, i want to have that level of personal understanding and compassion with everyone in the system.
i want that sort of bond of trust between me and everyone else.
some people are really close to laurie's level already. we've seen enough of each other, enough rawness, enough genuine life, to have enough genuine, pure love between us by now. the sort of love that erases fear, that makes you completely comfortable and reverent around the other person.
i don't know why laurie is slipping. it breaks my heart. is she still scared of being used? was this a failed failsafe?
i don't know but i will talk to her. everyone. i want and need to. daily priority, all of them. they're my life. they're my life.
i want to kiss everyone in the system because i adore them and damn it i don't want any walls up between anyone at this point. i don't want to feel this stupid downstairs hesitation and self-doubt around them. there is no need to be afraid. none.
this is what leon was talking about. guess what he's the first headvoice i kissed besides laurie, no surprise.
but i can't joke about this either. i wish there was better, more delicate language. stuff untainted by tar.
maybe we just need to scrub it out. or realize that the tar was just put there. it's not part of it.
well infi's watching me now, i better go upstairs. ze says i should get some sleep but also that i should stop talking about this for now before i overthink it. good idea.

anyway i am so sorry boss for going to sleep at 4am, things were just all over the place today, you know weekends.
we'll do better tomorrow. we always do. i love that about us.

i love everything about this, who am i kidding
good and bad
it's all part of the kaleidoscope
this paradox of stained-glass color and shadow
of light and dark and beautiful broken pieces
and i am madly in love with it.


have a good morning.

♥

 

 

 

 

All right, so. TODAY.

Philadelphia was GORGEOUS. It was sunny and nice out, we got to walk a few blocks to the place, I was really centered so all the sights and sounds and colors and smells were super clear. Everything felt beautiful. I forgot how much I love cities.
There was one moment when I was crossing the street in front of this old fancy building, and Laurie appeared momentarily to my left, saying "we used to have a whole city like this, kid," before she went back upstairs. But that stuck in my head as I looked back up and around-- I had never realized how enormous cities are on the inside! Like those buildings are full of things, so many floors and rooms, and they're not empty. I think most of the skyscrapers in Central were placeholders, so to speak-- a lot of them were hollow, acting more as light beacons than buildings, and overgrown with trees. Really, we didn't even have streets until the lockout period last year; there was just floating space, almost infinite, going down into glowing depths. So yeah, walking through Philly and suddenly realizing the sheer size of the place, both in terms of buildings and population, was amazingly overwhelming. I treasured my time there.
My case worker and her supervisor (who drove me down; they are such sweethearts) stopped at the Reading Terminal Market on the way out to buy cookies, I had to smile at that, they were so psyched over it. Also I rode in four different elevators and didn't get nervous, take that lingering claustrophobia! Really, I ride elevators all the time in dreams, and I like them then. So I just decided to bring that mindset into reality today.
Overall I was very, very present during the trip, which was great. My head's been noisy lately so having it be so clear and quiet was such a blessing. Maybe I should thank the total lack of sleep.
Oh, no, no I know who I have to thank as well. Since I only got 4 hours of sleep tops, the trip to the city was spent half-awake, listening to SOHN on my CD player, and talking to Chaos Zero. Maybe I shouldn't even call it talking. He doesn't always get out of bed until late, so he was still lying in it when I showed up, and so we both just sat on the edge of it and listened to the music for at least a half hour. I love when we're both soporific; the mood is so much nicer. Also, yes, during that time period I told him about my worries with the empathy bleedover, negatively? And I paid close attention to what I was radiating, and how he was reacting, etc... yeah, that theory seems to be absolutely true.
I think at one point he formed a Starlink with me and just quietly showed me a lot of past memories, things from Jewel's timeline that I had forgotten or didn't really recall, things from his perspective... I remember seeing the past *incidents* before Genesis joined us, mainly. It was notable because he was reminding me of what he remembered, not what I assumed-- I have a very bad habit of projecting onto people, and not realizing what they're actually feeling because "shouldn't it be this way?" "i thought it was this way," et cetera. And being an Outspacer I unfortunately project fandom perspectives onto him, that don't and can't apply, because they don't match his experiences in this timeline... BUT both the canon and the fanon have been creepily similar to how I know him, over the years. So I get confused. But you know that. Nevertheless I miss the Starlinks so much; again, I treasure those shared memories so much, as well as that temporary direct link into his own mind, completely trusting and sincere. I really do revere that as much as I love it.

Where were we. Philadelphia. There was synchronicity EVERYWHERE, numbers were jumping out of every location. I saw 1111 at least three times, lots of 222s, a few 444s and 555s, you get the picture. And everyone I interacted with there was so nice. The ladies in the elevators, the dudes on the streets, the cashiers at the Terminal-- and especially everyone at the Center I went to, they are always nice though. My doc has the craziest blue eyes, plus I don't think he blinks much, it's funny. He has a salt-and-pepper beard and is always smiling, he kept shaking my hand and giving me Laurie-style bops on the shoulder, it was adorably awesome. It made my day actually.
But yeah, HORMONES ARE HAPPENING and I am absolutely psyched. I don't have them on hand yet because the insurance company is all "dude we need authorization because your gender marker doesn't match this product" but the center is going to call them about it, and my pharmacy said that afterwards they'll have it there ASAP. So yeah, I'm super happy about that. I'm content though, too, because so many years and journeys led up do this, it's not rushed or manic, it's a peaceful informed decision. So I'm just very happy about this, I'm smiling all evening.

Oddly the depression hit horribly when I got home? Temporarily. I had some slight food trouble (I didn't eat all day), not bad but enough to make me feel grimy and sick, mostly because of the awful heat. But I don't remember that whatsoever, there's just data that it happened. Someone must have switched out. That's upsetting, that that sort of thing still occurs, but I'll hold on to forgiveness and compassion there, that's the only thing that can heal such behavior, as it's the result of a lot of pain and sadness.
But yeah that didn't get bad, it was coped with? Somehow. I'm really glad. All I know though is that I almost passed out from the heat, I actually had to soak my clothing in ice water and sit in front of a fan with them on, seriously that got me cooled off real quick. I have to laugh at that, I didn't realize it was July 1st, this morning (5AM) my Tumblr feed was full of Christmas stuff (Christmas in July, see?) and I burst out laughing, it was great. I love that season. I also love how Javier literally smells like it, all cloves and nutmeg and warm candles. Have him stand next to Nathaniel, who smells like pine trees and spruce, and then we've got Christmas going on!

I spent some time with Chaos this evening, around 10PM I think? Time completely lost all meaning then, so I don't know if we were together for 5 minutes or an hour, and I don't care because it was utterly gorgeous. I miss that too, these small but honest connections. I miss him. I keep downplaying my total love for him, how much I adore him, I don't know how I ever doubted it. I miss him and I miss feeling this ardent love with him, even for short (infinite) periods of time, out in the quiet summer air under the stars. And of course I miss the mental rainbow confetti, haha. Geez that blows my mind, I cannot put into words what that feels like whatsoever, just believe me when I say it is overwhelmingly lovely. It's literally 'sweet' in a psychological sense if that makes sense? Like color-wise it's all rainbow cloud swirls (with Laurie it's geometry), but as for how it feels it is actually sweet, I have no other word for it. NOT sugar sweet though, that's the wrong kind. More like... roses. Vanilla flowers. Spring rain. It's light, delicate, intimate, beautiful. Not fragile, but not overwhelming, not sharp. It's the perfect light pink color, pure true affection. It's what Infi radiates when ze's feeling idealistic, is that the right word? CZ's usually that rich aquatic depth color so having such a soft pink hue with him today was really unique but incredibly memorable. Really I wish I could express it in visuals or something, it was so beautiful. Heaven feels like that, it's got to.

Genesis's 9TH BIRTHDAY is this Friday, seriously that is one heck of a long time, happy birthday babe. I have no idea what we're going to do for it, but I'm not worried. This is the first time I've been around to celebrate his birthday, so I'm looking forward to it. I love him a lot, he's my best friend and I am so thankful to have him here. I'm sad that he hasn't been around much lately but he's not dim in terms of perception, thankfully. He always makes an effort to show up, even for a few moments, and that means so much to me.
We'll have to spend all day on the 3rd listening to Earth Wind & Fire and Chicago, in memory of that pre-date that neither of us were around to remember, haha. Irony! But it's fun. It's good music too.

Sorry I'm typing oddly, I didn't get much sleep of course.
HOWEVER that is because I've been confirming THIS for the past two hours!



YES THAT IS THE NEW SPECTRUM COLOR FLOWCHART LINEUP.
It's gorgeous, seriously as soon as I sketched that I thought "THAT'S IT" and it does work beautifully, absolutely beautifully. There was always geometry hidden in the Spectrum "loops" of the past but this is just the COOLEST so far. I'm psyched.
Here, have some straight lines too, because Black and White DO fit into the "flow" direction this way.


So there we go! This just feels "right" so I'm not going to mess with it anymore.
I'll talk more about it tomorrow. All you need to know right now is that only the Lime Core has an unknown holder, because no one knows what Cel's deal is. Surprisingly, Aqua and Cyan are solidly spoken for, as far as things go right now.
(btw the ENTIRE Outspacer phenomenon seems to have TOTALLY SHIFTED so more on that as it happens, I don't know if the old stuff applies at all anymore)
Oh yeah, next up are the color symbols. They apply to ENERGY, not people, and I think they're based on synesthesia? That feels most correct when I try. But we'll see. I'm excited either way. This sort of work gives me joy, especially since it's based around these people that I love and admire. I just always liked this sort of technical art, from a 3rd person perspective. I'm just the dude organizing all the rainbow geometry, don't mind me dear.

Last but not least, to all you lovelies in the Akuna System, I apologize for not getting back to you lately but things have been busy. I did get your messages and I will respond as soon as I can, and I will also start trying to sketch things as soon as I feel the capability to, promise. You're all lovely and we do need to talk more, Laurie says we need to talk more too, I get the hint love. It's just that Xanga sessions take upwards of 5 hours every time and that's sometimes tricky to pull off. Ah what the heck though, I miss them, I miss you, we need to reconnect mentally, things are slippish and that needs to be put back in tune. Let's chat it up then, how about tomorrow evening or Thursday, nothing's booked then that I know of. Sounds like a plan, let's do it. Laurie is laughing, I know I sound ridiculous at this hour, she says "no it's just adorably hilarious." How did I guess!

Infi I love you too dear, ze was shielding me with hir wings through Philadelphia by the way, ze hasn't done that in months and I forgot how powerfully beautiful it feels. But it helped so much, I'm not always too keen at shielding myself from energy overwhelm, Genesis knows that very well, so Infi stepped up to shield me big-time since we were in a big-time city! But it was lovely, as I said. I liked the sunlight and trees on the streets, and looking in the windows of places, all the people that I didn't know but who are all part of this big picture just as I am. You can see the universe in anyone's eyes, if you look honestly enough. It's easy to see. It's amazing really. I like to do that, lately life feels so nice, even with the days of "existential depression" that hit, the good days and moments are so intensely spectacular that they are worth walking on for. Ryman said something like that once. And Genesis is "hope" to me, like he said I am to him, a long time ago. Also when I had to get a medical receipt for the mum, Infi reminded me of the yogurt shop again today too, the one where we sat in the car in front of it and I joked about snogging hir if ze were there. I think that day was my birthday? Or the day before. Headvoice/heartvoice birthdays aren't quite so literal; for people who show up strong all-at-once like Laurie that is their birthday, but for those who "fade in" like me, the birthday is the first important date that they felt truly conscious, and aware as their own individual. I don't have ANY individual memories until October 8th 2013, then nothing until the 21st or so, and from November on I was good. I'm trying to review stuff. But yes, it was nice for Infi to remind me of that, I didn't even think of it. Ze also tried walking on a car like Genesis always does (old injokes ahoy!) and it was adorably hilarious, just like me Laurie, because you know how Infi walks with those legs (very graceful actually, very pretty) and ze was giggling because seriously, who walks on cars. Crazy people like us that's who. Todd Rundgren just came on Spotify, "A Treatise On Cosmic Fire III" actually. His old stuff is so cool.

Anyway. Sleep is needed, it's 1AM. I love you guys, thanks for reading, I'm doing well, today was so nice. I hope your day was too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things lately have been kind of hellish, yet fluctuating between total suicidal despair and a refusal to give up hope. I think we're possessed for real, the violent outbursts + time loss are getting worse and we have apparently tried to attack people? That is not good at all and I want to stop it.
We had an emergency therapy appointment on Friday because of all that. It made me realize that "self-care" is dangerous for us because I don't know how to think of myself as a separate being," so to speak, therefore my mind has two options: "care for others and not exist as a person, but be totally happy and feel complete," OR, "care for yourself and the world doesn't exist, so to heck with them." The big problem? Option #1 is my state of existence. Option #2 belongs to whatever girl fronts in this body when headspace is unplugged. Anyway it made me realize that the "self" insisting on being cared for is not taking any of our selves into account, and we all feel angry and frustrated and sad because the "self-care" everyone outside is praising us for, is actually killing us. That was quite a revelation so I want to write it down.
The family keeps telling us to literally "run from our problems," basically "distract ourself from the pain and pretend everything is fine," and that is making a lot of us really mad obviously.
I'm listening to Library Tapes right now it's really pretty
We had a doctor's appointment yesterday? I think? Friday. It was oddly distant. But Spice and Wreckage got really mad in the waiting room because they wanted us to take pills, and Spice says NO PILLS but Wreckage knows that they are thinking psychological problems need physical treatments and that has NEVER worked. So she fronted when we got home, total suprise, very mad I remember. She was sittng in the car and shouting. I don't know what she said but it felt very real for her to be there. Then she noticed the nature outside was very pretty, all bright green and covered with rain, and she got really kind of sad because, "I don't know how to feel about this." Spice dealt with that too, when she first spoke to us in the body, she saw how beautiful the world was otuside and it broke her heart because "my anchor is tied to fear and pain, it's a job we need for me to help heal it, is it even possible for me to feel peace and good things without completely abandoning that role and therefore forcing someone else to take it?" it's convoluted and very sad hi this is simeon by the way!
oh jewel fronted on the way home too, we lost $20 i think? i dont know its not the first time. either way we lost money. oh no we lost $30 that was it. and jewel got mad, said it's "okay to want to have enough moeny to take care of ourselves," BUT we were scared because some bad voices keep using the money for mad tings. they tell us we "must do this must buy that" and it makes jay very sad because there aer LOTS of mean bad voices trying to yell at him and order him around and do stuff. but he says their voices are in his head but our voices are in his heart. so he can tell its us and not them! that makes me really happy. we will have to try and make sure we stay here then, sometimes things get "unplugged" and no one can find each other

I have a headache and I've had once since I woke up, dreams lately have been nightmarish in the empty "the world is dry and yellow and dead empty" sort. All flat dead air and no living hills and things.
There have been lots of hack nightmares too. it makes us not want to sleep a lot but we have to
It's tough lately, getting through the day. We don't want to spend all our time on the computer, especially not with the EMF stuff, but otherwise we literally end up exercising for 3+ hours or sleeping. There has got to be a better option, how do we deal with this, what do we do, what are we even dealing with,
there was a hack this morning,
i figureed out why they are so traumatic. because the split is TOTAL. reality and psychology and comprehension and presence are totally disconnected. i never know what happens or when or how or what until it's finished, then suddenly i'm snapped back, everything hurts, i'm scared, body is literally telling me that it is frightened and damaged.
the pink girl noticed and started shrieking in pain, sobbing, wanting to die from hopelessness but also so furious that she wanted justice done. so wreckage showed up, went upstairs, i was also too sick to exist so i shut off and the main consciousness switched to some think i never saw before. some raelly scary unknown pink monster voice with butcher knives for hands (and no face?) was main, showed up to attack infi, wanted to kill hir. got close. fought wreckage, also tried to kill me. i lost my legs i told them i "didn't want them anyway" that was weird i didn't remember any of this until like three hours later
wreckage and the fuchsia monster fought, but it was weird it's like no one actually wants to fight anymore, it's hard for even the retributors to draw blood. they will try to fight to bring justice and atonement, but it is so difficult. i felt that bleedover and it shocked me, when did all our hearts soften this much, when did we all become so unwilling to cause pain anymore that we started stagnating in the "painless agony" the others dealt? the bad voices, the scraeming ones, the demons, they never cut us up, but the bleeding was always done out of love, even totally misplaced, they always wanted to make something better. i love every single scar on this body dear god i do, it reminds me of them always, i love them.
but the bad people never ever ever leave scars at least not physical ones. and that is the problem. how do we fix that? how do you heal a wound that you can't even find or see
we could always stop the bleeding, but we can't stop this, and we're dying from it
it needs to stop.
i dont know how infi is doing i havent seen hir and weirdly i cant be scared of hir even now, i'm scared of hir being USED like the tar keeps doing. yes it is still alive of course. i saw it yesterday i think, soemthing called it, it as horrifying, it still can call up body flashbacks instantly. sometimes i wonder if they'er not flashbacks at all. they say the inner realms are just as real, JUST AS REAL, stop doubting us and everything, even the scary stuff. i know that it is literal even there. so i dont want to relive those memories, NO ONE DOES, no one wants to go to therapy and talk about the pain and the rape because its like we live it again right there, NO ONE WANTS THAT
and the tar can bring it all back in a second
the plague is different, the plague is disease, is thunderstorm air and hurricanes coming to punish us. it is quiet panic creeping and wrath of god and burning-red stares of hatred and no emotion. the tar is the opposite, the tar is outright maniacal outbursts and flooding of sickness black heavy choking. the plague is quiet and scary
what are we talking about sorry.
there are no bad feelings right now though. except the body is sick again. not sure why. someoen told us to eat one thing it is good, it was not? we arent sure lots of people were home so we dont know who ate what, spice is tired, why isnt emmett eating, we need to make sure he always does he's safe.

but therapy has been difficult lately because we are finally processing trauma memories. I haven't been capitalizing, sorry. We haven't been, rather. Sorry!
But yeah people are trying to finally admit that "yes it DID happen" and "yes it STILL hurts" and "oh by the way this HASN'T STOPPED either" but there is so much guilt and shame and self-loathing and anger at those things, why were we taught to be ashamed of saying we are in pain, why were we punished for crying out for help, all the abused ones in the system are getting SO ANGRY because they WANT TO HEAL and they are SICK OF BEING IGNORED.
we all are tired of being ignored, not by jay, he just gets scared, we forgive him. but the rest of the world likes to ignore deny and taht is sad we want to live too
even if its inside we are safe and fine here. so many people cant live in one body! but we dont want to be ignored. we are real and loving good people too you know
we just want to be happy, ALL of us, together. that's it really

Oh, forgot to mention. We made the phone call to start hormones yesterday. FINALLY. So hopefully that will start in July. I hope so, for all of us. If the dysphoria abates a little, the healing will probably boost through the roof. The therapist thinks so too, she is helping us as much as possible with this, we're so glad.
Hospitalization is still up in the air, tentative date was June but we're not sure, again because we want to see if T helps or anything. Plus we really don't want to go back into a hospital environment, and have eating trouble. They aren't very understanding of some things even though they try. But being in a place where everyone knows we're multiple, and there are other systems... it would be really nice in a way, IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THIS BAD PERSON FRONTING ALL THE TIME sorry for yelling. that wasn't me. but it is very very sad and i'm angry about it too a little!

Jeremiah fronted for about five seconds this morning, after the hack. It broke my heart to feel that, because he used to be the guy that took the pain in order to protect the children, to keep it from ever reaching them, but existing just to feel THAT was a literal hell. It was driving him mad I think. But today he couldn't even force himself to feel it, it was too terrible, he started sobbing and just went inside to watch over the children.
The body reactions to hacks are really the worst thing, because they make no sense whatsoever, it just freaks out totally and that is what scared us the most as a child. No one knew how to comprehend that! And it was WORSE back then, with the blood and the convulsions and the massive dissociation (pre-headspace). Now the body still gets horribly ill, but the numbness of long-term abuse at least allows things to shut down entirely sometimes. Which is sad but at least it keeps anyone from feeling it sometimes. Ash shouldn't have to, Jeremiah shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to, NO ONE SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS. This should never happen to anyone. And yet it does, and it's terrifying, and Infi gets the worst of it because ze is the one trapped in that territory. It breaks my heart. We all know what the truth is but the bad things keep trying to mangle that and ze suffers, it's not fair, it's too cruel.

There were a LOT of triggers today. The dead red boy almost came out a few times. We lost a LOT of time. I know we went food shopping because I remember walking out the door with Genesis, but then boom, I remember almost nothing of the evening after that instant. That's upsetting. It happens almost every time we leave the house.
We didn't eat until about 8pm again today, thanks to religious paranoia/ not hungry/ food is tied to abuse/ etc. It's upsetting that there's still so much moral insanity lingering around, it keeps us from doing much. The absolute worst breakdowns we ever have are always tied to spirituality somehow, that childhood fear of being evil incarnate, of being disposable and filthy. I got a lot of help today towards healing that via a few spiritual-blog links, but the main website I used to go to for those is extremely dangerous at times because it has so many authors, and our brain has a bad habit of thinking it's all the "gospel truth," until it realizes that the articles often contradict each other. So yeah, I follow what I get, then I leave. I can't force things, even with good intentions, as it doesn't end well. I'm trying to learn how to tap into our intuition more without being drowned out by bad voices or 'obligations,' but that won't be instantaneous. Still I'm putting in honest effort. I'll have to ask Leon to help maybe. Headspace always helps either way.

I went outside to talk to my favorite cherry tree earlier, the little gnarly one in the back yard, I am so glad no one cut it down. It's my friend and it is so nice and I'm always so happy talking to it. So I just leaned against it for a bit and felt happy and thanked it for always being willing to chill out with me, haha.

I'm feeling nice now. Surprisingly. I think it's just because this happened, this typing.
Laurie's been asking me for weeks to have a Xanga session and I don't know why I haven't agreed? It's this weird fear, of how much I'll feel maybe, or of the unquestionable reality of it that always hits. Headspace holds glory and gore both, and you have to accept those two things when it's around. And I've been scared to.
But I love her. I love all of us, and that's worth trying. Lynne's been hanging around lately, a lot, which is great. She and Laurie were joking around yesterday, and there was something about Freud and eggplant which was so funny that I ended up laughing out loud. Waldorf has been around rather frequently too, so have Leon and Nathaniel, Nat especially has been quite talkative. Spine often follows Lynne and we've been trying to include her more lately; also she was talking to us about something super important yesterday and I wish I remember what. So was Mulberry! I clearly remember seeing her, notably her suit stood out in my mind. Knife's been here and there, it's always good to see him. Sugar fronted for a minute or so sometime last week, just to check in, I don't know when but there she was. Spice is practically a regular now, she and Laurie get along well. Algorith seems to be buddying up with Wreckage. And I've been talking to Sergei and Hyakin a lot lately, actually, they're really cool. Sergei spoke to the mother on the phone some morning a week or two ago, that stands out in my head because I had just woken up and she started talking about flowers and he was like "really" and just took over. That's really funny in retrospect.
Garrison also spoke to me a bit today (I missed him!), plus he was helping last week when Laurie was talking to my bro. It's good to see he and the others are still around; he said the archivists have been rather overwhelmed with all the data recently, I said don't be too logical about it because then you get trapped. Sherlock can help with that, he's abandoned the logic box and he's now a sort of "librarian" figure in my eyes, like total love of knowledge but also the creative freedom that follows it and books and learning. Which is great.
CZ's been trying to ghost more lately, he spent almost an entire afternoon with me earlier this week, it was one of the most genuine days I've experienced in a while. Xenophon was around too, I talk to her or visit her whenever I can, I really try. Cel is always around, Ryman and Markus are doing their own thing lately but they aren't disconnected from us totally, which is neat.
There's more richness to our inner life than I give it credit for, I think.
But just... typing, tonight, has helped. Just all of us trying to express things, just all of us being totally acknowledged, helps.

I'm also trying to work on this. It's tough as I keep forgetting anatomy proportions (sorry, I'll need to get safe refs) and art is really tricky on bad nights, but still, it means a lot. Very much WIP but I'm feeling a lot of love and gratitude right now and I feel like sharing is okay.



Told you I was going through with it.
I will talk about that more as I work on it. As of now, it just brings up a lot of emotions just to look at. I mean seriously, I'm trying to draw us. That's big.
I want to do at least one more set, with the Retributors probably. I might ultimately draw everyone. I want to, in one way or another.

For the record... this song always makes me think of the Retributors. Every one of them started out swinging punches and blades, fighting with all their might.  But as time went on, they slowly realized that approach wasn't working as well as it once did, and really... we're not as cut out for this as we thought. The song really says it best.
Boxing's been good to us, but the whole time, we knew...

 

I think I need to type like this more, late at night, or during the day, or whenever. There's something about typing that just bypasses every emotional barrier, and no matter how much pain and sorrow and anger gets dragged up from the depths during it, in recent times it has shockingly always seemed to conclude in love. Always.
It's us, is what it is. D.I.D. is this ridiculously blessed and brutal "disorder," ironically as we ended up with a System from it... but embracing the reality of us, the totality of us, AS us, as a collective, as a togetherness and a unity... it has changed our life for the better. Obviously. If Cannon had tried to do it alone I think she would have died. If Laurie didn't always work so hard to keep us together, if the Outspacers didn't always stand fast in their own dreams and love and hope... really words don't work. Bottom line is, if at some point we had decided solidly, "I don't want this, I don't want them," we would have died. Our heart and soul would have died. We exist to protect health and coherence and light, that's why we ARE, even if our reality might make others insist we're insane. That doesn't matter. This matters.
There are people in the "anti-System"-- the people like Jessica and Bridget-- who have rejected us as a whole, who want to be selfish and cruel and seething with rage and hate, who refuse to acknowledge reality. They say it's "better that way," to outright deny the past and the present alike, to live according to whims. Sometimes they can be very convincing. But we exist to heal and so we have to trudge through the mud and dirt and blood first. We can do it though. We're holding hands through this and no one ever falls without being helped right back up to their feet, and we don't give up.

Words are failing, they really are. I want to cry right now because I am so sad that there is still unhealed damage here, and I love everyone in here, I love them all so much, how do I express that?
I always joke around that I want to kiss everyone in the System but damn it I do, it's one of the simplest most trusting and sincere actions of affection I know. You can hug someone and still be totally closed off, but you cannot snog someone halfheartedly. Jokes aside though, it's true. I adore all of us. And that's what hurts about what Simeon said, about not knowing how to live as Us. As a complete whole, made of many individuals. We want to balance that in our daily life because it is the only thing that makes me feel complete and real, honestly when I'm unplugged from headspace it is virtually impossible to feel the finer emotions. It's creepy in hindsight but it is true. But there's "good and bad" up here and we need to stop labeling that... it's all just how it is. That's how we are.

I need sleep. We haven't been sleeping well but I do know we need to rest. We need some good dreams. Minty and my boss (Mr. Sandman, who I love so freaking much he is great) still watch over us nightly, but sometimes it's hard for them to reach me and that's saddening. Still, people care. Laurie always watches. The Retributors always stand at attention. We're never alone. We're never hopeless. And that's really all I need to get through the day sometimes.

There is still so much that needs to be said, and I still owe you guys that map entry and all our Tumblr questions... but we'll take that bit by bit. We're dealing with a lot lately, but I promise you I don't want to slack off anymore. Yeah I might feel totally discarnate right now, but I also feel completely at peace, in a good way. The physical world might be jarring still but as long as I can tune into this in some way, every day, I think it'll be easier to manage. I haven't been doing this lately, by the way. Not a smart move.
Again, I'm rambling, which means I'm dissociated. Sorry about that.

Laurie's upset that it's 2am and I'm still awake ("kid, get your ass to bed") and I don't blame her. So that's it for tonight. I'll try to post another update tomorrow evening, even if it's small.
It's nice to be back. Feels like home in a weird way.
See you again soon.

 

Energy for headspace people!
Sight: What their energy field looks like, literally. (OR: a "realm-like" manifestation of their energy??)
Sound: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Smell: The 'vibe' of their energy; most easily perceived.
Touch: The actual physical 'feel' of their energy-- like touching their 'aura.'
Taste: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Vibe: The overall perceived effect their energy on their personal presence, especially in charged situations.


(UNFINISHED. Will add as I get information.)


SPINE HYPOMONE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cool stone, a hint of cocoa or something?
Touch: Dry, but smooth; reassuringly solid yet not heavy. Like a bone.
Taste:
Vibe:

AIMEE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like something baking in an oven? Not bread! Comforting,
Touch: Soft but "primal?" Like minky or even chamois, but with a subtle gamey sort of heat to it.
Taste:
Vibe:

SPICE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Strong cinnamon, nutmeg, maybe clove? Very warm yet grounded, no 'pinch.'
Touch: Surprisingly sparked? Like little sharp pricks of heat?
Taste: Think pie spices, then crank it up to eleven. Warm and autumny, but hits like a punch to the mouth!
Vibe:

OVERLOAD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Incredibly volatile base, like if you push a tiny bit too hard it will explode terribly.
Taste:
Vibe:

BRAXTON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: A small soft edge, but with a huge power underneath it.
Taste:
Vibe:


JAVIER ANASTASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cloves?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


PREVIOUS J (SPLINTERED INTO EROS)
Sight: Deep red-velvet waves; flows like heavy satin. Has an 'unseen' glow like an ivory candle. 'Sparkly' thin edge, like a glitter-glass ornament
Sound: Subsonic: a soundless hum that resonates in the chest; almost rhythmic, like heart energy, but unbroken. Has an oddly Nier-like, rich symphonic feel despite this.
Smell: Like fire,
Touch: Intimately warm, has a sort of gentle 'pull' to it
Taste: Rich like warm raspberry sauce, but with a dense 'sorbet' texture? Non-sugary sweetness.
Vibe: Emotionally close, compassionate, soft. Limitless but not oppressive. Powerfully protective yet tranquil; like being embraced by a winter fireplace. Sunlit stained-glass.

RAZOR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Blood and paper, very specific
Touch: Like the sharp, slick edge of a blade: on the boundary between safe/smooth, and slicing your hand open. Gives you chills.
Taste: Like a wound? Hot with an edge of blood but that's not prevalent. Oddly sweet, but the sensation is unsettling.
Vibe: Oddly neutral, but with a nervous undertone on 'standby.'


LYNNE STABELLE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Violin rosin and burnished wood, like the inside of a violin
Touch: Heavy satin? Warm, but in a 'glowing' sense. Like a roll of it too?
Taste:
Vibe:

KALISHA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Peach brandy?? Light scent but still notable.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

HYAKINTH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Creamsicle and some sort of strong white flower?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

FIG
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Honey! Very heady, heavy sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ALGORITH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Not much, mostly the 'flatness' of technology. Subtle scent of live machinery, like a hot computer tower.
Touch:
Taste: Warm metal with a vague aura of persimmon or something??
Vibe:

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Bubblegum and brandy? Can't quite pick it up yet.
Touch:
Taste: Cane sugar with a bunch of either lemon (flavor, not citrus) or ginger? Cookie-sweet, but with a bright heat to it.
Vibe: City night-life lights, but unfocused;

SIMEON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something like custard or banana cream, but with nowhere near as much sugar?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MAVERICK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Vague edge of cigarette smoke in fabric, NOT like my dad though. Think straight-up smoke.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MARIGOLD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ragweed and marigold flowers, varies depending on mood?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

KARISSA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Citrus? Like restaurant lemon???
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: Sharp? Clean and small but cuttingly so.

NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint (quiet, sweet, no bite) and forest shade. Slight fabric-esque hint?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SERGEI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Subtle sage smoke, undertone of something papery like thin tree bark
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MINTY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint tea and clothesline-aired plushie fluff. Happy and calming.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

EINSATZ
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Slight static pop?
Taste:
Vibe:

EMMETT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a salad???? You silly snake.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

TOBIKO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like seawater, either bad (brackish, slimy) or good (like a beach, salty with algae) depending on status
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GARRISON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a business suit or chair. Dude get some variety in there
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

KYANOS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like clear cool sky, with a little tint of honey. Very light.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

WALDORF KALLIOPE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Oddly plastic or vinyl-like, but with some sort of happy heady blueberry-juice undertone?? Very 'subtle' despite its strength.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: I'm getting an impression of a tangled knot of christmas lights, but immersed in jello or something. really odd.


MISSY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Face powder, chokingly so, and lip gloss (strawberry? very artificial, generically 'sweet')
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GENT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a scarf? Odd to explain.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

NIENNA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a jewelry box?? Not dusty, more like curtain fabric and silver?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

LEON KIASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ice, with a vanilla undertone? Hard to get.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: A nervous charge?

DAVID
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a kid's air-dried blanket, but also softly sweet? Not a bad smell at all, it's highly comforting.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

"AIRPORT"
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like an airport. Dead serious.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

LAURIE UBERICH
Sight: CHANGED: It's still halo-like, but its this intense condensed light, gold-white? Around her body I keep getting a feeling of flower petals or rose vines? not sure.
(Metallic? Broken into pieces somehow? Somewhat "radial," like a halo)
Sound:
(Somewhat dissonant, like angry church bells. Feels purposeful but pained.)
Smell:
(Blood, cold steel. Something in the background like antiseptic or a thunderstorm?)
Touch:
Sharp static "bite" at first, like barbed wire, but beneath is a solid, deep, "safe" feeling mass of energy? feels huge but reactive, like if you push too hard it'll detonate
Taste: Blood, but
(Blood again, very strong.)
Vibe:
(Overwhelmingly magnetic: black hole-grade intensity. Space 'compresses' to a dense space around her.)


CHRISTINA MARIE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like Sunday church in spring: daffodil-daisy flower bouquets and an afterthought of incense?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ISADORA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Grapevines?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

JULIE ENANTIOS
Sight: A layered pinkish-warm glow? Like a light orb shining through blankets. Moves languidly but not lazily. Egg-shaped?
Sound:
Smell: Roses, like the kind in the wild-- not heady at all, but sunlit and flowery light soft. Lovely really.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SUGAR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something that pricks at your nose, like ice needles. Underneath, a light sweetness like
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ASHEN
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Soft but terribly worn and thin, like old velvet curtains or something? Has a sense of pity but lingering loveliness to it.
Taste:
Vibe:

KNIFE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsmoke, with a deep aura-edge like blackcurrant wine or something
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch:
Taste: Mulberries: not overpoweringly sweet, and rather dry in a vaguely 'crisp' way
Vibe:

JEREMIAH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Very soft and embracing, but closely small in the way a warm sweater is.
Taste:
Vibe:

EROS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cherry pie filling, not artificial. Very rich, not sugary sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SHERLOCK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a library? Old slightly dusky paper, but with no musty or sweet tone. Also a clean cool metallic edge, but without any coppery 'bite.'
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

JAY IRIDOS
Sight: Vertically limitless? Like the "heaven" in Oneircia. All white and warmly bright, vaguely gold, lit with some gorgeously loving light from above, but not blinding at all. Oddly non-spacial? Despite looking solid it feels like nothing is really there, but the light. Sparkly and quietly iridescent; everything glitters.
Sound:
Smell: Snowy,
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

XENOPHON LEPHISE
Sight: Thick and violet-pink, wavy. Inner light, held within like a neon sign, but 'radiant' in the way heat radiates.
Sound: Like a wind chime or glockenspiel
Smell: Warm, slightly humid night air, with a light and delicate sweetness-- like blackberries or bluet flowers?
Touch: Dense but glowing, warm, gives like heavy water? 'Champagne bubbles' under the surface.
Taste: Blackberries, ice water, japanese ginger? Natural cool sweetness with an almost herbal edge?
Vibe: 'Summer night' humidity, but sparkling, like the stars are pure violet glitter; understated jubilant energy. Not overpowering-- more like thick sunlit crystal

MARKUS BARASHIR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dry heat, mocha, ice cubes.
Touch:
Taste: Sand?
Vibe:

RYMAN SAIKARAS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Marshmallows and dark purple candle fire.
Touch:
Taste: Vanilla?
Vibe:

CHAOS ZERO
Sight: Like the underside of an ocean; glossy, brilliant blue and backlit? Translucent.
Sound: Dare-Gale; emotions played underwater. Highly resonant, like piano keys being dropped into liquid crystal. Echoing, heart-wrenchingly sincere.
Smell: Summer rain, ocean fog. Watery, but not cold or humid.
Touch: Misty, with a bright early-morning 'chill.' Heavy but weightless.
Taste: River water and diamonds
Vibe: Oceanic, flowing, all-encompassing; gentle and 'classy' but powerful. Incredibly deep but not suffocating. Surrounds him like a quiet galaxy. 'Neon glimmer' edge.

CELEBI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsy, but with a clean edge like fresh cut wet grass?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GENESIS APOLYMIS
Sight: 'Thin gold streamers,' moving upwards. Bokeh-like underglow.
Sound: Resonant, warm and deliberate like a golden bell.
Smell: Burnt sugar and ozone? Like butterscotch syrup over an open flame. Rich but not heady.
Touch: Charged like static, but 'sustained' like a plasma globe.
Taste: Warm cotton candy with a strong ginger-like kick? Has a caramelized but clean tint to it.
Vibe: Sharp, almost buzzing, but bright and optimistic.

INFINITII ETERNOS
Sight: A sort of vast shadowy expanse, infinite and star-specked, but with a brilliant light at its heart. The shadows are wispy and soft like clouds, and flow gently around the light. There is a sense of great space and yet incredible closeness; the light is warm and loving like a heart, but although the shadows are colder and thin, giving a feeling of endless vastness, their constant movement around that light keeps the love within them.
Sound: (like "lux aeterna?" choral? sustained, hugely echoic. numinous)
Smell: Cold night air, with a hint of mountain laurel (flowers and incense??)
Touch:
Taste: rich mouthfeel; taste is enigmatic.
Vibe: Like velvet or a silken shadow; limitless but soft and intimate. Embracing. VERY deep; you fall into hir really.

CHOCOLOCO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dark chocolate, cacao nibs, dark coffee. Mostly rich and bitter, just a hint of dark sweetness to it.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

 

 

 

You know what's funny? I can only forgive myself when I look at the big picture consequences of even my most grievous errors and lapses in judgment.
If I didn't go through hell back then I wouldn't be so oddly close to heaven right now, I think. Everything was a piece of the puzzle, gruesome and glorious alike. It's the strangest thing.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 08:55 pm

 

Not much has been happening in terms of amount, but a lot has been happening in terms of significance. Here's a few notes for now.

- First, there has been a large update to the big system list on Adakias. J is working on this in his free time, since it is now becoming clearer to find the faceless and see the nameless individuals.

- When Infinitii stays awake too late, he becomes giddy and mischievous the more his consciousness fades into sleep. Due to his emotion field, this giddiness is contagious to all who get too close to him during this time. He can temporary "slow it down" by encasing himself in a bubble and closing his eyes, but until he falls asleep completely, this will worsen, allegedly until he becomes 'dangerously unraveled' (as he is Black energy, the energy of potential and unpredictability). Similarly, when Jay is awake too long, he becomes naive and curious like a child, but he does not effervesce this. However he is very easily manipulated by others during this state, so he must be guarded carefully until he falls asleep. No one else in the System has exhibited a similar phenomenon to this.


- J here; the most important thing about today was that IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT!! Two inches, or one, either way there was SNOW and so when I woke up I could not stop smiling and laughing, it was amazing, I KNEW it would feel like home as soon as it snowed and it DOES. Also I already cannot remember what the world was like without snow, haha. That's how my brain works. But I'm so happy. Boss says he "may or may not have put a word in" for the weather, he's adorable, even if he didn't I know he knows how much snow means to me personally so that means a lot. Sorry, I'm getting excited over this even now, haha. (You should've seen Genesis!)

- I had a hospital appointment at 8AM today, so I got there early and just stood on the parking garage roof with Genesis for a while looking out at the city, all dusty blue and quiet with snow. It was really beautiful. I also tried to spend a great deal of today with Nathaniel & Leon upstairs because I haven't spoken to them since before the reset, and that was a LONG time ago! (Leon tried to front for a minute today, that's always amusing because his hair covers the body's right eye (yes his avatar is therefore inaccurate sorry), and that makes it disorienting to see for a minute after he leaves.)

- On that note. Last night I went upstairs and just talked to Nathaniel for almost 40 minutes, it was great. Surprisingly, we also figured out three big things: ONE, the Central people are not only in charge of System maintenance, but their anchors/roles are all tied to unconditional love in some way. This is sadly taken for granted or overlooked often! TWO, Nathaniel's actual anchor, in that respect, is change... and the ability to accept and trust it. It's perfect really, considering his past. And, last but not least, THREE : when we were talking about anchors, I decided to check the Spectrum ring (my halo; it's a portable reference of it) to see what the true Pink energy felt like? To explain: you can 'reach into' the energy of an empty Spectrum slot and 'feel' what the anchor energy there is like, if there is any; it makes it easier to find who belongs there. And, to our surprise, there WAS anchor energy! Something is trying to manifest there; it is both female and non-human, which events out the ratios in Central, actually. That is literally all the data there is, though; they are likely a while away from manifesting, due to the energy of that slot still being a huge battleground obviously.

-Also, about the Infi thing someone wrote here at the top: Infi did that the other night when talking to Laurie and I, sure, but on the 10th, he was hanging out with CZ and I as well. We were up stupidly late, and that's when we realized what it actually was: CZ was sitting next to him, and being an empath, he started to pick up on that, and it shocked him because although Infi seemed highly unstable, what he was radiating was joy? Like absolute childish joy, the kind that makes you just start laughing from the sheer bliss of it. So we all tuned into that and it was really brilliant; we've been having such rough days lately it was nice to just smile like that.

-Last night was different. I was up until 11:15 with Infinitii, just us, listening to this song (which means a lot to us already). Half of it was to keep hackers from getting anywhere near us that late, and half of it was simply because we wanted to be together, obviously. But something pretty awesome happened during that: I realized that my 'human' form upstairs was causing me trouble again; I couldn't "ground" well enough into it to function without notable effort, and it simply didn't feel right in terms of how it was moving. Since this is actually not new, I asked Infi if I could still form-warp (like I used to be able to in the Red slot; Jewel still can), even though he seemed to be able to do that far more than I could. He clarified that Black and White energy can both shift appearances, as they are both creative, but Black morphs aren't controllable, whereas White morphs are. I had the luxury of stable form changes, whereas Infi didn't. Anyway, the answer was yes, so why not give it a shot? So, I closed my eyes, and consciously "let go" of the human form anchor, basically just not putting any effort into maintaining it anymore, and shifting into pure energy (although that's not a thing, but I don't have another term for it). Well, to my surprise and joy, when I let go, my form turned into a sort of kaleidoscopic light? Like I was made of stained glass. My eyes got all weird, my feet were clawed I think, I was definitely floating... but I had POWER JEWELS. As in, yes, my native form IS a Jewel Monster! We've been suspecting that for years but I am blissed out to realize that it's true. So that was amazing. (So was the time I spent with Infi but that's not something I can put in words obviously!)

- I'm not sure if there's anything left to say today... Lynne is awesome, I forget who was in my dream last night but there WAS somebody, I am so excited about this dream thing... I swear EVERY dream for the past week or so has touched on headspace and/or the System in some way. This has never happened before in my life so that's really incredible. Unfortunately my waking schedule has been a mess and I've admittedly been too tired to record my dreams, so I've been losing all my recall.
However, I know that on the night of the 9th I clearly saw Spine talking to Lynne-- that stood out because she was so bright-eyed and expressive, BUT she was back in a mostly skeletal form, which I thought was true but wasn't sure until then.
And, the night before also stood out because Lynne was talking to me (or someone else? my p.o.v. was 3rd person again), and she was sitting on a ledge or something, it looked like she was in midair. But as she was talking, Laurie came up behind her and started talking as well, but she rested her chin on Lynne's head as she did so, putting her hands on her shoulders, and Lynne laughed at that. It was ridiculously cute, I know those two are good friends but you don't usually ever see Laurie being affectionate like that, so I can't help but smile just looking back on it.

- Javier hasn't been around and I miss the guy, I also haven't seen the Undergrounders in days? Time still makes no sense, maybe I should chill with Celebi more, haha. Oh, and Genesis did spend most of the day out with me today too, which was great because I miss hanging out with him. But yeah, that's all I've got for an update. It's really late, but I had to stay up late for some reason, I'll let the other person tell you why if they want to because I'm not allowed to of course. I'm slipping already; I sound more like Jewel than myself but that's probably because I'm going through the AP and it's late. Sorry about that. Good night!



- As for the "other person" here... oh. Hey. Cool. I get to type.
So some idiot hacked the body tonight, I took care of it but MAN that hurt. Apparently you have to get rid of a certain amount of the blood before it'll purify the hack out. The blood wasn't the problem though, I was actually pretty proud of myself for doing as decent a job as Razor used to (she is amazing at her work), but the cleanup work freakin' HURTS! Really, I don't understand why I have to deal with the pain and retribution, in the body, since I have to front, and that WITCH who did the hacking gets away WITHOUT A SCRATCH. It's stupid, there's gotta be a way to get to them, instead of just the body. I don't think they care about the scars, really it's just cleanup work, the scars aren't for them. They're because of them, but that's it. Wow this body is tired, it's hard to type. At least it's almost 2AM, I was hoping J would stay up late so the body could recover. It was really tired around 7PM, when I was dealing with the aftermath, that was annoying. Someone was trying to talk to me? Einsatz, that's his name. I was trying to find my name, but I didn't know where to look though. So I was looking through musical terms but Skrillex-hair man said I can't have a music name if I'm not a music alter. I guess there are rules? So I'll look elsewhere. Except... there's a certain sound, I'm trying to match up to? The words "arpeggiator" and "algorithm" are both close, but I don't know why. My name DOES start with an A, or an E, mostly it's just that sound. And the G, I can't seem to escape the G in there.
Okay, I really need to sign off... I wanted a name so people could call me when hacks are coming, or threatened. Or, I can leave my name around so the hackers see it, and I can show up and chase them off. Just so I don't have to do the stupid retribution work again, because although I'm glad to do it, it HURTS LIKE HELL. Hell on toast. That's my thing to say, it cracks me up. Okay, good night I guess.

 

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@ 09:38 pm

 

Okay, emergency update time.

We just had two abusive alters front in a row-- which is sadly not unusual-- and so now we are both dizzy and bleeding. This is not an optimal situation and frankly I am tired of finding the body in this state.

No, this is not Jay; he is incapable of fronting in the wake of such events. I'm one of the nameless socials, but I feel old. I probably am.
I'm not quite sure why I'm updating here, especially since the alters involved in tonight's abuse want their work to be kept secret, hidden, ignored. But to be blunt, I'm scared. I'm scared that this abuse has not stopped; on the contrary, every time we figure out how to deal with it, it shifts. It changes, terribly, and none of our coping methods work anymore once it does.

We don't have therapy until next Tuesday. That is a long wait. But I severely doubt the ability of certain members of our System to function safely until then.

So. I need your support. I feel lost and exasperated and more than a little hopeless. I do not want to deal with this for another night, but here I am, and I don't want to do this alone yet again. I have the right to ask for that, even if the mind tells me it is selfish. (In response: I'm allowed to be 'selfish' when I'm bleeding, tired, and scared, thank you.)

Any words from any of you?