september 22nd

[prismaticbleed]

 

Tired and chilly tonight, but here's a quick update to get in the habit again.

-- I spent four hours today peeling pears from my dad's neighbor's house, it was fun.
-- I had to return Dune when I was only up to page 400, oh no. But one other local library has it, so I'll grab a copy on Wednesday and finish it if I am able to.
-- My voice is cracking all over the place and I love it. I have got SICK VIBRATO now when I sing, which is amazing. Also my high notes are mostly falsetto now, which is a little confusing, but at least the lower notes are filling out which feels better anyway.
-- There is also hair coming in on my face and my bro agrees that it is awesome, I am so excited.
-- It was FLYING WEATHER today. It smelled like magic. The one tree in front of our house that turns a vivid soulfire-pink every year decided last night to start doing so. I ran outside for a bit in the grass, arms out, feeling my wings there again. I couldn't stop smiling, there's something really gorgeous in the air lately, I need to go outside much more often now and soak in it.
-- Surgery is in about 10 days, and according to the archives we are actually dealing with a LOT of the SAME STUFF from this tiem period last year. That shocked me a bit, maybe that's part of why we're here again. So I'll be reviewing the archives like mad over the next few days, getting a mental foothold on where we need to heal more completely. We have made incredible progress, true, and a lot is healed, but there are a few loose ends yet.
-- We're trying to figure out the Core/Fronter situation, as the past several updates may have indicated. The current situation has Jayce (the brown-haired "reflection" from many months ago) as the default fronter, solely because of the reflection ties. This young kid named Jesse has showed up a few times over the past two weeks, but he's rooted downstairs so he's unaware of us. No idea what his deal is yet. In any case we're trying to see if Kyanos can front more often, because he was born to do so after the Scratch, and he has VERY strong connections to the physical consciousness as a result (he can front effortlessly). But ultimately the goal is to get Jay in there, which would require "merging the inner and the outer worlds"-- in other words, being able to act in the physical world without sacrificing our inner integrity and selves. It's difficult because so much of the physical existence is still damaged, or viewed as such. This is what keeps dragging out fragments, and fronters like Cannon and Jessica. Until we heal those issues, Jay will NOT be able to stay out fronting, as his anchor forbids it and he gets pulled back in whenever a situation compromises it. However that same thing gives him a huge advantage, as positive triggers can call him out IF they don't get angrily shoved aside or denied by the negative fronters. So it's tricky, but we have a good grip on this now! And we're growing and learning every day.
-- On that note, Jessica's daemon is quickly becoming a major player in our daily life. Since Jessica gets dragged out to front at home often, and she's a mess, he is keeping everything in check where neither she or I can. He is also surprisingly stern and somewhat brutal towards me. I'm used to Infi's boundless soft edge, but this guy is unflinchingly hard. But it reflects in his appearance too. I still haven't seen his legs, but I think they're ribbony too? I also cannot see his head at all-- he specifically will not let me touch or search his energy field, even intuitively, to "see" him (he says only Jessica is allowed near him, and refuses to compromise this)-- but there are at least four big dark red eyes on the front of his face, that looked painted-on? They feel almost like symbols, and keep making me think (unsettlingly enough) of Sahaquiel from NGE. I don't know how relevant that may be (I haven't looked) but I keep thinking of that tar-spider from last fall... whiiiich happened exactly a year ago yesterday. That's absolutely shocking. So we'll see, I definitely have to pursue this now. Anyway, like Infi, this guy also has no visible mouth, but I HAVE "heard" him talk (all daemons so far normally use thought-speak), and his voice is low and oddly uncentered, like it's coming from a stereo direction and not a direct source. I have no idea where his personal "space" is located (yes, so far all daemons seem to exist in their own pocket spaces like Infinitii and hir bubble) but it's a vaguely cappuchino-foam color? And again it is lit in a way that feels completely indirect. It also feels like being at the top of a long vertical shaft, floating barely a foot beneath the ceiling, but with meters upon meters stretching down below you. It's not claustrophobic, just oddly deep and high up both. Oh, but as to how I heard him talk, he's been giving me orders. Infinitii finds it difficult to boss me around (ze prefers to lead by example, and help me to function well enough that I don't need to be bossed around), but recent matters have been very loud and raw and disorienting (the stuff coming up to the surface to be released) so a harsher hand was needed. And honestly, I don't think Infinitii COULD help with this, because all that raw stuff is tied to Jessica, by her very anchor. So her daemon is calling the shots for EVERYONE who dares trespass into that territory, so to speak. I know he's mad at Jayce but he can't reach him, as Jayce is still mostly a social so his innerspace ties are very, very faint. Still, this daemon has force behind him, of a totally different kind than Infi, but just as powerful. Lastly, for whatever reason I keep trying to find his name (he's not happy about that either) and I keep getting the phrase "choco loco" tossed at me. "Crazy chocolate," basically. It's obviously a throwback to the old addictions Jess had to that food, and the awful side effects we'd get from it... the worst of which was a nasty caffeine shock. So maybe that's his way of subtly threatening me again, to stay out of his business. Honestly I should, and I will. I have my own daemon to deal with. I'll talk to Jess about this issue when the need arises, otherwise I won't prod anymore. It's only respectful. In any case that's all I know about him so far.
-- Most importantly, as of late.... about two days ago, I got so sick of those "floating faceless voices" bossing me around that I was in angry tears and we got Laurie to stick around instead. She refused to leave for the rest of the day after that, and... how do I put that into words? I had forgotten what it was like to have a COLLECTIVE deciding on actions and 'orders,' to have a benevolent community working together to exist for the day, instead of one lost separate fronter trying and failing to placate all these strange angry voices. I had forgotten what it was like. So I held on to that in my heart, so thankful for it. Since then I've been calling Laurie every time there's a hint of the voices returning, and we can get right back on the right track. Instead of blind obedience, now we are making educated, wise decisions again. It was like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders... and put back into my hands to be loved. I miss everyone being around so much. It's been too long since they were this close and tangible in the waking life. Lately I've only been able to talk people in meditations, mind. But now, they're right back in the present awareness.
-- Synchronicity has been EVERYWHERE since then. I am smiling fit to burst from that. My heart is so relieved. I had virtually NO synchronicity with the floating voices, and this sense of inner buoyancy was missing too. Again, it is so good to have it back, with everyone.
-- Zwei was out to sing during mass on Saturday, and she's doing better too! She was unstable for a while, unsure of her purpose, but she really "clicked" all of a sudden and it felt beautiful. I think it's because she's an android like her brother, and she hasn't been "carrying that in" to her fronting until lately. But when she does it's like she relaxes, too; she's more in-tune with her inner self as it is projected into the body.
-- Chaos has been in so many of my dreams lately, both late-night and early-morning (there is a marked difference!). It's odd, because he feels close in them, not just some passing presence or mention. He feels almost tangible even if he's only there for a few seconds. It's like... walking through a video game environment, where you're the only player, and then all of a sudden another player character walks in. And you can feel that bit of life in them, somehow, even if they are thousands of miles away. Anyway that's what it's been like. Something deep in my chest is sparkling quietly just at the thought of it, and that makes me want to do better during the day, too. As we said, it's been tough, but not in a bad way. No one has lost hope, not even in the slightest. I just... ended up in tears today, when this thought hit me that I "wasn't worthy enough" yet, to meet him in this life, or even to move into his. We have an old perfectionist standard to the physical life; there's a lot of guilt and shame there yet, old programming that Jessica is at the center of. It's being healed; I'm being patient with her, and her daemon is outright forbidding me from doing anything even possibly detrimental to her... thank God. I'm very thankful for his severity lately, just as I am thankful for CZ's still-undying compassion, even when he's struggling himself. He's an angel, I swear.
-- Oh! Ryman DOES have a daemon, he's bizarrely insectoid with a pyramid for a head. He's been creeping about for months actually, I just had no idea what the heck he was. I can only see him in soul-shadows yet, just that sort of intuitive vague knowing. So he's hidden, I don't even know if Ryman talks to him. But he exists, if only dimly right now.
-- I might take my laptop to the coffeeshop tomorrow, the one that Genesis and one of our past cores (the female J, I think-- she still went by "spinny" and that's the name I got) used to frequent in the summer of 2009. Man we got so much work done that year, it's incredible. But yes, I'm still getting the typecode system figured out for Dream World, as it's tech work and it's interesting and I want to get it done before I dive back into story progression. Having the "invisible roots" for a story helps a lot, so hey.
-- Leon and Nat were briefly trying to help Jayce out today, with fronting. Later on Leon was backing up Laurie in trying to "talk me back into sense" after a destructive mental state, and I remember him telling her "I care about him just as much as you do-- we all do." That cut through to the heart of me and it did help me come back in.
-- Remind me to draw out the headspace symbols soon, too-- the synaesthetic shapes that are supposed to represent each Spectrum hue. In church the woman sitting in front of me was wearing jewelry in the shape of the Pink symbol, and I couldn't help smiling at that.
-- Lastly, there was a LOT that happened on the 19th and it was wonderful but I will type that up tomorrow!
-- All right now I am terribly tired, have a lovely night everyone.