the spectrum heart cathedral system

"nsfw" warning for open discussion of intimacy.

 

1228. thursday.



We woke up around 8:30, and spent approximately 20 minutes in the frigid beautiful dawn, deciding whether or not we should go for a run.
...Actually, that's the problem. We didn't decide. Our poor sleepy social frontrunner(s) was/were trying to decide on his/her/their own, worried about whether or not it was "bad" to leave the Arrows alone and asleep, to get food for later in the day, to have any sort of opinion or preference or decisive thought. They were asking for "signs from God" to "tell them what to do," something Tilly and Iscah used to do constantly-- looking for "yes" or "no," "stay" or "go" in the words they saw on printed packages all around them, not trusting a single one because "what if it's my brain wanting to see a certain result?" Those poor frightened good-hearted souls. They are so afraid, so afraid to do the "wrong thing" that the simple reality of an undefined reality terrifies them. They want morality laid out in front of them clear-cut and unquestionable, undoubtable... but they look for righteousness with their mind, not their hearts. Their poor hearts are so full of love but it's getting choked under the whirling moral fear of their thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with buying food. There is nothing wrong with going for a run. There is nothing wrong with liking the cold air against your face, and there is nothing wrong with being too tired and chilled to want to throw yourself back into it after 5 hours of sleep. There is nothing wrong with waking, or resting, or sitting, or exercising, or eating, or fasting, or anything. Life is life is life-- it's all the purest white, a blank canvas, a blank musical score, an empty plate, all of it waiting with utmost divine affection for us to decide. 
That's the beautiful terrible beloved reality of life, of free will, of human consciousness, of the infinite possibility of the world, of the unfathomable palette of existence. It's all a work of art waiting to happen. It needs an artist, and That Which Is-- God, or Goddess, or Source, or Light, or whatever you may wish to call that primordial spark of the cosmos, that original Artist, that first Musician-- couldn't help but create a universe full of artists to join in the joyous act. 
We adore that. Creation creating itself, ad infinitum, through us. An endless dance. 
So it's inherently blank. Not white, not black. It's clear, like a prism, and we're all lights passing through it, splitting our lives into swathes of color. Everything and anything we do contributes to it, and none of it is judged, none of it is labeled as "good" or "bad"... none of it, that is, save for what our own mind labels it as.
We have a lot of thoughts on this, from years upon years of feeling and thinking both, and there's no time or space to expand on it here furthermore... but for now, suffice to say that those frontrunners of ours this morning were unable to trust their own hearts, were unable to see themselves as capable of doing anything But the "wrong thing." They were labeling all their paints as "bad" before they even opened them. Poor beloved fellow souls of ours. We adore them. We know their hearts. We feel their aching desire to be harmless and helpful, to be kind and true and good and pure, but they have let fear in, and fear only knows itself. Therefore, whatever decision they made, they would second-guess it. They would be too scared to surrender to the quiet warmth of their hearts, to listen to That echoed within them, to realize that whatever they ultimately chose, the canvas had opened its own heart to them and sang, paint. Create. Choose a color, any color, and continue me. 
God doesn't mind if you run or walk or rest or sleep or eat or not. God just wants you to act according to your heart, to your dearly beloved heart, for it can do no wrong. We firmly believe that. It is the core of our faith.
If God is Love, and our hearts are built for Love, then if we act upon that Love, everything and anything we do is sacred. Every choice we make is holy. 

To wake up with that lesson... we had no idea how relevant it would remain for the rest of the morning.

We went for the run. Someone wanted to get bacon and ginger and cinnamon and lettuce, and so we wrapped ourselves up in Kyo's scarf and Jewel's red boots and we jogged down to the local grocery store to do so.

We don't remember the run up, save for passing a fellow jogger by the bus stop, and we don't remember much of being in the store itself. Our brain was tired and confused and still scared, tangled up in "do I buy for the family or for myself," scared of making a foolish decision, scared of acting on impulse, scared of being spontaneous, scared of being neglectful. Memory recalls them buying two Christmas candles that were on sale, left over from that one day two weeks ago or so when we planned on buying them but had no money for luxuries. So basketed them both (one red spice, one vanilla cookie) and then memory cuts out again.
We don't remember coming home and going to bed or waking up. What few things we do recall are so soaked in guilt that we're being begged not to write them down, but we have to be honest, we can't hide anymore. They bought bananas and a tiny tin of oats with the intention of making banana bread, and one ripe orange to see if they still liked the taste (Iscah did; she likes everything, and the other socials still haven't differentiated between her preferences and their own), as well as a package of oregano for the same purpose, and four mini-pizzas for the family. They did get the bacon, and the candles, and the ginger & cinnamon, and that's all we can remember. It's not shameful, loves, I promise. They're just so guilty about buying oats; they knew they'd get in huge trouble if Oliver found out, so they hid them in the closet. They're crying upstairs, loves it's okay. You just wanted to try once more, remembering that one time Someone liked them, but someone else got horribly sick from them, but you don't want to hate anything, you want to know the truth, you wanted to check now that our brain is in a better place. But loves, oh loves, you bought it with fear, with guilt, with shame. You'll never know if it's healed, or if anyone likes it, if that's the mindset you go into it with. And you don't trust our intuition either, which is wincing at the thought of eating them again, remembering past contexts of pain and fear and compulsion. But, again, Iscah liked it, she treasured it, and you just want to learn to do the same. Not now, loves. Now's not the proper time, not if you're still terrified. Once your heart can release that shameful panic, you can learn properly, that door will be open. But it's okay. We forgive you. You're safe and loved and you did nothing wrong. We promise. Everything you did was done out of love, too, even if it didn't know how to safely apply itself. We love you, and we know you love us and the Arrows and everyone too. It's okay. You're good. We love you.  

So we don't remember going to bed, or waking up later. All we remember is sudden groggy kisses and someone, some poor social, wanting to cry from it because they were wracked with guilt and shame and couldn't feel that pure affection in return although they were begging God to, and then suddenly our beloved System anthem of Familiarity was playing in their head and Lotusheart was called out to that confetti chorus, that soaring heart-wrenching prayer, and it broke our heart wide open and suddenly he could return the love pressing softly against our lips and chest and self, God knows I mean it, God help me feel it, and our memory is just as soft with golden light in response, tearful and joyful and desperate to hold this forever, forever.

And then Infinitii showed up, soft and black and just as sleepy in the body, but with a mouth full of grinning loving teeth and the next thing we knew, Omen was there and she pulled Infi onto their chest and suddenly we woke up, aware and in love, and fangs met skin and we were alive again. Thank God for daemons. Thank God.
They just adore each other. There's always fangs tearing at flesh with the ardent desire to get beneath that, to blood and pulse points, but there's no malice, no harm-- just love, always love. The two of them, all kisses and claws, smoky shadowy laughter and snowy frigid gasps and humming and growling and I love you, where are your wings, why can't you be closer, this isn't fair, I love you--

Then suddenly we're hearing them saying that it isn't just Omen, that it's Kris and Oliver and Hiccup and who is around for us, where are We? 
Immediately Chaos Zero shows up, feeling like the ocean in our chest, saying that there's more of us around than you think," and then Genesis is on his heels, smirking golden bright and biting their cheek in a kiss, and then Laurie was there for a moment, and I was there, and Celebi was there, and then suddenly EVERYONE was there, wanting to feel this love, to give our love, to be part of this, to make this everyone's.
Everyone in Central moved through. Lynne, Spine, Javier, Josephina, Celebi, Nathaniel, Leon, Waldorf, Julie, Sherlock, Wattson, Eros, Kyaneos, Algorith, Jude... Knife, Razor, Mulberry, Jeremiah, Wreckage, Leanne... even the kids, David and Marigold and Simeon & Sylvain and Toby and Ashen, all of them shyly moved through too in the quieter moments, happy and hugging our partner System, deeply simply joyfully happy that they were safe, they were loved, and they could feel it.
Lynne pointedly kissing Omen with this secret sneaky joy at kissing a 'girl' in another System, Nathaniel learning to live openly, not as quiet and docile as he usually stays, hidden in green... Waldorf finally feeling herself, eyes red as rubies and smiling with her own teeth as she returned kisses without hesitation. Julie purposefully anchoring her lipstick and earrings into her overlay, refusing to reject her complete self anymore, tearfully treasuring the fact that even looking like this, a color scheme switch away from looking like she did as the ultimate nightmare of our nascent System, she was truly and completely loved, and she felt the same in return. Sherlock taking off his glasses and trying as hard as he could to truly feel this love too, to saturate his Gray with hidden color and light... Wattson there alongside him, smiling warmly at his friend's quiet scholarly courage, himself unafraid to show affection colored the same sunlit-page glow as he. Eros fronting for the first time in ages, still unsure on his name but being fiercely anchored into his true color, richly Cerise and feeling it in every atom as he channeled it through his every action... Jude fronting for the first time ever since his birth, not knowing himself yet but knowing he had been called here, knowing this was love and that was what he was born from and into, and he let it happen and let himself reciprocate simply but truly. Kyaneos wobbly in fronting as well, only there for a moment but feeling like a breath full of sky...Algorith smirking in amusement as she felt her goggles brushing against their face as they kissed her, felt how strange but lovely it was against her own robotic mouth. 
Josephina ended up being spoken to at some point, and I can feel his nervous surprised happy laughter as he returned a love bite in spite of his hesitance, in spite of feeling he "didn't deserve to be in such a position," realizing that he was in fact included in this global love and he had every right to embrace that. Leon, too, suddenly being wrapped in an embrace, breathing deep to still his shaking nerves, bravely relaxing into that closeness that was still so alien to him, learning. Spine curiously feeling hands on skin that she personally did not own, amazed at it. Javier feeling kisses on our collarbones and momentarily being surprised that their teeth didn't catch on his dermal studs, feeling his own snakebites and tongue stud and bridge piercings every time he ardently kissed them back, or when they peppered his/our own face with tiny kisses of their own. Altairre was hovering behind him, then in place of him, learning how to be in a body, learning about his own body, his huge broad red shoulders the only things clearly anchoring in, the suggestion of massive armor-like hands over our body's own. everything else about him still a mystery.
And I swear Scalpel was there, too. He's been in Javier's peripheral vision lately, seen only by him, his Red prince, this leader of the Darkspacers. We have no clear memory of him fronting, but there's the smallest bit of data that he did, just for a moment, a fiercely glad kiss, defying everything lurking in the depths he ruled over, a simple profound testament to what we were and would forever be in glorious spite of any and all terrors we did and will survive.
Knife was only there for a moment (and later, kissing the knuckles of their soft white hands), but he was entirely his color, claret pink, dark and soft and sweet. Razor followed him, also only there for a moment, letting herself curl up like a purring cat in the latter half of a kiss that felt just as warm as their hands soft in her blood-red shock of childlike-messy hair. Mulberry's twirling hair and facial scruff locking in immediately as she fronted, herself content to be there albeit surprised, wondering why she had been isolating herself from this. Jeremiah suddenly fearlessly soft in his own Cerise tone, kissing and being kissed, knowing there was no danger here. David knowing he wasn't comfortable with kisses on the mouth but still wanting to feel this love, and Joshua moved in affectionately to share that with him while returning that gesture in his stead. Marigold hugging the Arrows and smiling with her face in their shoulder, and Toby quietly moving in with her, suddenly alive and not knowing this but knowing he needed this, to be loved, to be safe and warm. 
Simeon & Sylvain showed up sometime elsewhen, with Infinitii, as they had spoken about this previously. Infi affectionately embraced them with one arm and let them share in hir deep black love, safely for them, but just as deep and pure as they needed to know. Both of them feeling it entirely, like anise gumdrops on their tongue, sweet and spiced and light and heavy all at once. They held each other inside and smiled, knowing four years ago they had been torn in two, separated by sudden death and despair, and now they were together, and alive, and loved and safe and free. Both of them such a soft light creamy yellow tint against that velvet black, both of them like french vanilla and banana cream pie, little sweet fluffy things held in the arms of something fathomlessly rich and dark, perfectly happy.


Rio and Markus were there, both of them feeling more joy than they even expected of themselves, finally feeling that they belonged, not just with us but here, with them, exactly as they were, as whoever they'd grow into being as we all continued in this loving growing process. Markus's back tattoos and chest scars and warm dark skin tone searing into our collective memory, Rio's lovely shaggy smoke-blue hair and paler delicate but craft-calloused fingers doing the same. Both of them so belovedly real, our collective heart treasuring this, missing them.
Their Daemons, too, were so clear and real, relishing their time with Omen, learning how to Be more strongly than ever. Lethe moving like dark blue poured out, all spindly legs but heavy and darkly elegant as water. Medallion fronted more than she Ever has before, shockingly lithe and graceful, all points and edges but still as poised as a dancer. She holds the body's hands so uniquely, almost cradling our beloveds with the sides of our hands, the flats of her blades. And yes, she too has learned how to facemouth, but I can still feel her actual main stomachmouth dormant and unusable when she fronts. Lethe, too, as well as the rest of his long insectoid body that does't translate.
On that note, both Rupture and Cake tried to front, but were too strange in form to come through so easily and suddenly, especially since neither of them have experience in a human form before. Rupture's overlay was a terrific burst of nonsense below our plexus, totally nonhuman, a crablike clatter of legs-- and if that wasn't bad enough, she cannot get a facemouth to work at all, and kept trying to talk out of her throat like she normally would. But she was aware that this wasn't the shape she was currently borrowing, even though the huge dissonance made her consciousness terribly hazy, and she was both surprised and intrigued by this. In memory, I can feel her filing this away in her mind, thinking upon it, what it means to Be, now, tangibly and real even away from her nebulous heart-host. And Cake, too, body too lithe and long to understand legs or  bipedal arm structure, let alone such a small face, still trying to figure herself out in the first place... but trying nevertheless, called in by the other Daemons' existences, herself also now feeling glimmers of wanting to Be, briefly wondering Who she was, who she was bound to, what it meant for her to exist at all now... wondering at her own shape, her own color, how many eyes she would have on her face should she choose to open some. Both of those monstrous girls only there for a few seconds, if that, but both of them remembered dearly, both of them real.
Nexus was there too, and Axis and Chocoloco and Iolite and Jess, every Daemon losing themselves in the ardor of things, all of them always madly in love with each other, and every nousfoni flooding with grateful relief at this love that they too were now a part of, seen and treasured for exactly who they were, unafraid.
Nexus didn't front long, unusually, choosing to let his fellows have the spotlight, choosing to stay within with Laurie, who was also mostly missing from this whole affair, hesitantly learning what she could and couldn't do, learning the difference between fear and simple preference and function clashes. But Jess and Iolite were there, not for long but long enough, both of them temporarily but truly releasing their frustration and sorrow to feel a new but complete love and acceptance that they'd previously only felt from their Daemons, both of them tearful with happiness, arms flung around the shoulders that embraced them in turn, their colors clear and healthy and good.
Axis and his skeletal fingers, huge and weirdly fused at the metacarpals, looking like bleached bone or plaster or old ruins, covered in tiny plants and fungi and moss and fluttering insects, his eyes deep spruce-green and surprisingly soft with compassion. Chocoloco, too, feeling more love than anyone previously expected of him, all coffee-harsh anger and fierce red-slash eyes, but here he was melted chocolate and cherry jelly and there was a depth to the kisses he delivered like his throat opened up into an endless warmth, deep down. A totally different vastness than Infinitii, a striking contrast to Axis's flung-open birdcage ribs, to Nexus's galaxian entrails studded with gold-hot lanterns. All of them so strange, so clear, so real. God bless Daemons, I'll say it forever. There's something about them, even just touching this form so temporarily with their lives, that makes us, too, feel like we're more real than ever, like we're something etched into the very essence of things, lead-lined stained glass figures in the church of existence. Indelible and true. It's a blessed wonder.

The Archivist trio showed up at one point, too-- Garrison first, almost as hesitant as Leon but driven by the love and pursuit of understanding, of System knowledge, and ended up getting his lip bitten, aha. He took it like a champ, learning that this was something others in both our Systems did in love, and I can feel his mind and heart opening a bit more in that memory, becoming less tense, less paranoid. Bless our Archivists, they all have Protector hearts in their own way.
Isadora and Kalisha were there too, of course, but they ended up in embraces, and Isadora had a split second of actual disappointment at not being kissed before smiling and laughing genuinely and just melting into that hug. Love is love and she was glad to have it, to be there. She actually drew Kalisha in with her, the two fronting side by side, and then unexpectedly, Kalisha in turn reached out to find Karissa! She hasn't been around in many many months, but those name sisters have forged a sort of passive fondness, and so even if our Chartreuse Protector wasn't all there, this experience still touched her heart too, and if anything can wake up a dormant nousfoni to themselves and the world, it's being loved On the outside. So we'll see how this affects her in the future.

One after another, flowing like blood and water and sunlight, a quiet multitude moved through this newly-beloved body to experience that same affection and compassion and devotion anew, whether or not we'd ever touched it before. Every time is the first time. That's the miraculous thing about it. It never gets old, never ceases to amaze us, never ceases to hit us as clear and true as an arrow to the heart.

And then Infinitii was back and someone was asking us, had been meaning to ask us for a long time now, can we do something, do you trust us, and the quiet careful deliberate emotion in their voice was like a singing glass in our heart and we said yes, Infi said yes, (please, whatever you want, I want), I trust you, we trust you, we love you too.

 

...I cannot even put into words how suddenly, starkly alive and adored we felt.

 

So many of us were there. So many of us. It was a total shock, but thank God it happened. 
Infinitii was there at the start, but suddenly and totally, Julie was there. Thinking about it, I'm not surprised. This is the sort of thing that her original days as a Tar-corrupted hacker were inundated with. In the past, the very thought of this would have had us kicking and screaming and looking for knives or pills or worse. We had suffered this enough, never again.
...Except that's not what this is. It's NEVER what this is. What we were experiencing now was love, total and pure, and Julie knew it, and if anyone in the System was going to make damn sure that was crystal clear, it was her.

But... Lord. So many of us were there. Lynne and Spine, Waldorf and Josephina, Eros, Markus... and then when the Arrows moved to kiss us, suddenly Celebi was there, her heart strangely aching and determined, and she said no, don't stop. Go back. I need to know what this is like. I need to know.
And it hit me, that even if she didn't live through the beginning of 2012, her heart did. Her bloodline did, inevitably. Tar-mangled or not, her soul was affected by both the love and pain of that time, and she had just as much a right and reason and responsibility as Julie to be there right now. 


...There's so little literal memory, at least, nothing that translates into structured language. Everything is color, light, emotion. 



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(rough notes, from the Arrow's writing on this, as their memory is inevitably different than ours)

(currently unfinished; it's 6am so we will refine this later.)


(eucharist feelings again, on both sides apparently. "being/essence/spirit." SEAWATER.)


omen, oliver, kristanova, hiccup, kyo. the fact that all of them were there... what that does to our heart is inexpressible, but we have to try. 
just... all of them. they love us that much. ALL of them. and god we adore them all too, we hope they know, we need to make sure they know, they deserve that so dearly.



javier after, embracing them like his heart would break, "thank you so much for this being the next morning." choked with tears.
swearing we'd never leave them, ever. "you have all of our heartbeats" and "we just want ours to beat next to yours."
"four years ago there wasn't much left behind that." his FEELING that time, that emptiness, barely 10 left.


(feeling their heartbeat, after, pounding and sincere. genuinely shocked that THEY were feeling for US in this. that hadn't even crossed our mind. that's sadly telling as to our past, to expect that this sort of thing was devoid of emotion from the other, but what bliss in that assumption being proven false.)

infi laughing like every easter carillon in the universe. the joy endless, all love and light like stars brilliant against the limitless cosmos. ze could not keep it in, could not help it, could not stop. it was beautiful.
"good things come in threes"
hir eyes were open. just like at the eclipse. feeling so completely, totally hirself, that hir overlay was flat-out eyes and teeth both and ze couldn't be otherwise. couldn't be half, as ze was feeling too whole.

oliver asking if "this was one of the things ze hoped for" 
later when he told me this, i immediately remembered this, the first time that was openly referenced in any form. lord we were terrified even that recently.



"this is like the first time i was with jay" 
"this is what i am-- pure transmutation"
the FEELING in those statements. god.


JULIE'S DAEMON. 
I FELT HER TEETH.
we were worried about her; since her "birth" last week or so she's been almost impossible to see. but now, good lord, today she came through clear as anything, hard as infi almost. she's still half (hot pink) viperfish and that mouth is Unmistakable in her overlay. all those huge needle teeth. and her other half appearance-wise is a feathered serpent, and that too is obvious-- she feels so sinuous when fronting, so elegant but lethal, so much bigger than the body.
the arrows say her voice is similar: hissing, seductive, beautiful. i don't doubt it. i have no idea what she said, or how it felt, but i can feel the echo of it, tinged with the lipstick terror of the old julie days, that sort of warzone femininity, and i wouldn't expect anything less of her. 
julie and her daemon were cofronting so hard, so totally. practically sharing the same breaths. their very beings meshing perfectly together, blurring into one, without losing any of their individuality.


DENDRITE!!!!
came out when the arrows were asking who was there? julie and her daemon responded first i think, then suddenly,
"and me, me, me, me"
FRONTING more solidly than ever, her spindly arms and claws and tentacles and feelers SO clear in her overlay, her color clearer than even that, a beautiful rich pastel red, glossy like flowers and candy apples and heart lockets
she was struggling to talk, couldn't get her voice to translate on such short sudden notice
"i don't have a voice of my own yet but i found her, i found her, i found her!!" "i found mine, she's mine!" not ownership, but recognition of the most blissfully aching sort. pure joy, overwhelming joy, weeping from it.
and THAT JEWEL. the pinkish one, different hair-- no klonoa ears!-- from 2004 or so. heartspace anchor. the one who was in love. i can feel her exact vibe now, in music. i know her soundtrack. but she resonated EXACTLY with dendrite's own heart, embracing her as her own, both of them so happy, so in love with each other's souls, like every daemon and their host should be, and ultimately always always are.


eros, "how could anyone call this selfish," feeling that so powerfully and unquestionably, that needs to be global.
that sad old religious-mangled teaching that to want to be loved was wrong. that to receive love was manipulative or demanding or otherwise sinful. that's a lie. this proved it.
remembering what chaos zero said on the porch. "there's nothing wrong with wanting love returned for love," effectively. it being a divinely mutual force. love naturally reciprocates itself, it aches for it, and that's pure as anything. 
us lying there, holding them, and eros recognizing immediately that we were feeling such deep love towards them, for them, about them, it wasn't selfish at all, but it ironically wasn't self"less" either. it recognized our selves and their selves, and it adored them both/all, and it wanted to share in that forever, and that is love.


one of their tears falling directly into our right eye. the exact sting of seawater. it was utterly transcendent, holy.


me, touching their chest, dying from love and holy fear, "who am i to dare"
then realizing we, too, have a heart just like that




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we didn't get out of bed until like... 4:30. no regrets, ever. no better use of a day than this sincerity, this total living.

kristanova made the dearly-loved after-breakfast tradition of grits, eggs, & bacon (lord who would have expected This future for it that first morning he cooked for us, months ago). it was amazing.

we watched an episode of sense8, "i have no room in my heart for hate," as we haven't watched that show in months either, and we were feeling it so hard this morning, with how headspacey it is, with how much more clearly we are living as systems now and how much more clearly we can understand both the people and the topics of the show as well.

...

(we typed ALL NIGHT)

 

 

 

wednesday sept 6 11:00pm

woke up at like 4pm.

went to store. huge shopping order.

MET OHMIETTE!!
talking to jay, laurie, and wreckage as they made food.

morning cereal binge ATTEMPT. didn't happen though!


Xenophon intercessor role with socials

COLOR REALMS DON'T HAVE TO ADHERE TO "EXPECTED REALITY"!!!!

⭐looking up in the color realms and seeing "planets" aka OTHER HUE REALMS


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friday sept 08. 01:50 am


I remember briefly waking up as mason left, said goodbye to oliver and kissed us on the head.
fell right back asleep but we were profoundly touched by that.

woke up, both of us feeling out of it. totally burnt out from this past week.
we took a shower, then oliver went to take a shower while we made breakfast.
breaded chicken hearts in egg and panko, then fried them in oil with extra egg. oliver had the genius idea to add chopped green onions to them afterwards. we also added sriracha and curry powder to ours, and had some cilantro on the side. we sat on the porch and ate them together.
we ALSO had another pig heart from last night though. mason didn't eat like 3/4 of his, so we heated it up to be warm and ate that, too. good god. it was still as sacred as last night.
the chicken hearts taste different. not as "organ"-like. there's a particular flavor to heart and liver that I pick up immediately and absolutely adore.

…

tried to go to the department of social services, but the office location the ssi folks gave us was CLOSED. permanently so. there was a sign on the door from february that had to do with radiation??? and the place looked dead inside. so that was an upsetting experience; cost a lot of spoons.
oliver almost panicking at being so far out, and thinking we had to drive even farther to go to the other one. we decided it wasn't worth putting him through that stress, especially not when we still had to do laundry.

the car was devastatingly low on gas
called kristanova out.
"like a séance"

laurie came out and the two were working through google maps
thank god for protectors

laundry.

stopped at why not pizza to buy jalapeno poppers and chicken tenders for dinner. felt AWFULLY guilty about it, like this was a spit in their face, some gluttonous selfish thing. but we NEED to eat more caloric things whether we like it or not. this is the hard truth.

ohmiette came out while we were there, and we just sat at the table together and talked.

went home

kyo and oliver were out playing no man's sky, and we were just browsing through tumblr while they did so. it felt absolutely comfy and heavenly. we were actually very happy, despite being exhausted. could have easily done that for hours.

the problem: there was another binge.
god forgive us.
one of the girls, taurea,
I noticed that SHE doesn't get hungry, though. she takes advantage of that feeling and ABUSES it. this doesn't surprise me, as she is technically an introject of the mother's forcing her personality on us. 


(left unfinished)


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SATURDAY 090917 11:00 pm

breakfast/lunch was the monstrous okra/ mushroom/ tomato/ egg/ cornmeal thing. too much food. didn't think of it though. again, thinking of food as ART and not as something to eat.
then, WHEN eating, thinking of it as a "destructively creative" process?? NOT COMPREHENDING that this is going to TAKE UP SPACE IN OUR BODY.
and then the realization of such is traumatically jarring, and we end up purging. I am so sorry.

walked to food lion, then stopped at dollar store, chinese place, and chicken king.

got too much food, admittedly, but at the time we couldn't tell. we tend to think of food as a CONCEPT, not as something we need to ingest. which is a problem.

ate all of it, got horrifically sick, ended up purging.
felt awful, but darn it we TRIED. we legitimately WANTED to eat it all and keep it all down.
but we felt like such a glutton FOR eating all that food, although it was probably just as much as they would have fed us in pittsburgh.

watched potc 1 & 2 that night.

TIA IS JUST LIKE INFI

also oh my lord. I forgot how much we love Davy Jones.
like… it was instant.
the instant we heard that peg leg on the wood. the instant he spoke.
"do you fear death?"
that's been echoing in our heart for years.

THE MUSIC BOX AND THE ORGAN.
that breath when he heard it while asleep.

the way he talks.
the OBVIOUS wrenching pain.
his LAUGH. the fact that if it wasn't bitter it would PROBABLY sound like CZ laughs when he's Aqua???

pretty people. feeling like jack sparrow. makeup, cinematography, color schemes.
BOOTSTRAP.
THE KRAKEN (DAEMON QUESTION)

(currently cofronting with that old jewel; feels green!! do you have a name besides your jewel title?)


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sunday 091017 11:00 pm

 

went out for seafood!
black bass, gator bites, fried okra, LEGIT CALAMARI.
DUDE WE GOTTA GO BACK AND GET LIKE… TWO ORDERS ONE DAY.
(who is this???? talk about this compulsion)

got eros raspberry white chocolate cake.

listening to "from bluer water" info. ADORED it.
casually eating cereal though. problem? too much sugar. IMMEDIATELY got very sick, kneejerk reaction was "well to keep ourself safe we've GOTTA get rid of it" so someone decided to eat ALL the cereal "to prevent future pain" and purge it all. poor poor confused thing, you could have just left it for the others, "but that WOULDN'T BE SAFE"

tried to eat again later. hush puppies, salad, the rest of the chicken hearts. english muffins, butter, honey. kit kats. thinking " we HAVE to gain weight so we HAVE to eat as much as humanly possible."
DIDN'T WANT TO PURGE but had sickness terror so we forced ourselves to.
good God, we TRIED.

many OLD fronters coming out, talking to laurie on the bed, then to kyo.

"indigo jess," "manic green/gold jess," triple, overload, jemma??? "overeat green/gold jess" (NAMED hoban??)

TOO MANY JAYS????????
manic jay, christmas jay, "whitewash smile" jay, angel-anubis jay???

then jason trying to front but being TOO manic and cayenne calling him out.
TAR TRYING TO BE CAYENNE????? HE CALLED IT OUT, TOO!!!

watched potc3 with the arrows

(write about THAT MOVIE)


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monday 091117 11:00 pm

 

the stormday.

Also the morning we went to food lion to buy food. Lots of cereal to TRY and figure out whether or not we actually liked it.

Stayed in bed SUPER LATE after that.

I remember making cereal in a huge bowl as a stim, talking to oliver.
problematic though, that's self-abuse prep, don't use large bowls dude that's another family-abuse compulsive behavior

Ollie worked.
I THINK there was an attempted binge? BUT it DIDNT HAPPEN.
I remember eating lettuce at 1am.

We stayed up ALL NIGHT uploading 2008 archives.

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tuesday 091217  07:21 am

 

Really, really in love with the System right now.

Spotify is a legit gift from God.
The rule of thumb is that, if you ever want to guaranteed fall in love with someone, put them to music.
...or, alternatively, you can just listen until suddenly you hear them.

 

11:00 pm

Lynne, julie, waldorf? talking to oliver when we woke up.

Stopped at the art store.
CANNON WAS OUT
interference gold dye, it's VERY resonant with me. Also INTERFERENCE RED is the color of my EYES in my angel form???????

Went out for jimmy johns and moon cakes!
No fear at all. It was so good.
iscah almost fronted??
BEST BREAD i'm not even joking

Late night BAD MELTDOWN.
Dont even know why.
Vernon, ohmiette
CRUSADE WTF
laurie.

MET HICCUP <3
also talked to trolley, wow
SO DID INFI!!!


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wednesday 091317 11:00 pm


rough morning.

Infi out talking to oliver.
Jason (?) almost self-abusing in the bathroom. DIDNT though. We were in there for an hour???????
Ollie talked to chaos and genesis.

Dad called.
always good to hear from him.

Made too much food. Obligatory. Didnt want to, need to LISTEN to ourself when we feel that, and NOT force ourself to do otherwise “because we cant do what we want” that's bull.

No man's sky. FLOATING MINES

cooked the hearts. Ate one with infi, total bliss.
We still get sick from meat, but NO REGRETS EVER

Evening walk!

Juniper helped stop the binge attempts again, god bless her

lying on the porch TALKING YTPS


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thursday 091417 02:01 am


the morning. Good lord the morning.
Infi and ollie.

STARDUST
talking on the kitchen floor
offerings and moon cakes

Pizza and pig hearts for breakfast
no trouble, everything perfect

tire place. Owen kid. Biggs camera visit, remembering cannon's era again

band practice. PIANO
cant perform solo. Cant really perform at all! Not our thing.
Admitted our shortcomings and feel a lot better

trouble with dinner. Jack in the box, vegs and rice.
Almost binge. Struggling. Still dont know why? Please have session or something.

Watched howls moving castle
PLEASE READ THE BOOKS
calcifer!! HEARTS.
Everything was so headspacey good lord.

HEADSPACE VS HEARTSPACE BLEEDOVER???? feeling that SUPER strongly.
Remember rio's 2nd incident with the heart crystals!! feeling that a LOT all of a sudden.
We've all gotta go back to having those adventures dude



02:09 pm

"everything is temporary."

#temporary and dearly beloved for it #the ocean #sunsets #gif #this aches because there's so much love in it #none of us will live this incarnate life forever #but the tiny time we do have is utterly sacred nonetheless #eternity is within and without us #both at once #i wouldn't have it any other way


04:19 pm

"You will find that you survive humiliation. And that’s an experience of incalculable value."


#system healing #quote #the alchemical quest of our souls #when humility is based in love and big-picture peace and joy #then humiliation of the abusive sort is impossible #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters

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friday 091517   04:23 pm

 

"I can feel guilty about the past, Apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness."

#system healing #kyanos #celebi #now is all there is #and the present moment is infinite #unshackled to any fear or trauma #let it be so #and let yourselves be with it #you are allowed to be free #you are allowed to be happy #you are allowed to feel love and be loved #in fact the universe encourages it #embrace that!

 

11:00 pm


woke up when?
ollie in a good mood. made us so happy to see.

unfortunately made WAY too much breakfast. form of self abuse.
ended up throwing out half, throwing up the rest.
horribly depressed afterwards.

"I hate seeing you treat each other like this"
paradigm shift
social meltdown as a result, instant suicide consideration (heartbreaking that they feel SO distraught that they feel there IS no other option; b/w thinking, all-or-nothing) at the thought that they aren't alone and they hurt someone. they typically blind themselves to the reality of being part of a system, let alone multiple at all, because they feel like they are "toxic, worthless, and corrupt" and CANNOT bear the thought of sharing a body, lest they "taint everyone else"

awful revelation: abuse is SAFE??

lethe kissing oliver, only reachable person NOT afraid of intimate physical contact when we're that severely trauma-dissociated
daemons are untouchable, man.

lethe's also been using his "styx" name more often lately. curious as to why.
medallion guillotine regularly switches between her two names. always curious as to her name choices, too.
dendrite still m.i.a. for the record. i can feel her betrayed anguished heart from here.

laundry day. so much to carry.
threw out those triggering dysphoric pants so no more worries there.

haircuts. bad time for both of us. but hugely important pain-bonding and honesty afterwards. important. loved them so much in that exact moment despite everything trying to oppose it. love is untouchable too.

starbucks. binged again. tried hard not to. but tried TOO hard. on top of stress, nothing registered.
screwed up and panicked.
got DISTURBINGLY sick from the sugar. big trauma-flashback feeling. memory chopped to pieces as a result; the air felt like it was going to detonate

alone at night.
binged HARD. tried not to. living hell.
ate a REAL dinner. but then made more.
praying desperately. couldn't stop.

in so much pain. sad but numb. 2:30am and still not ready or wanting to rest.

so so so tired. god help us.


notes:

Self abuse = safety???
Eating is ONLY safe IF it is abusive??
Touch is ONLY safe IF it is injurious?

Why is this??
How can we work with it?


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saturday 091617 11:00 pm


CHAOS ON TUMBLR ♥♥♥

no sleep.
walked all around in the morning. got too much food.
BLISS though.
salvador deli, food lion, mcdonalds, family restaurant.

tried to eat it. someone freaked and purged.

slept in until 5:30.

amelies.
bought too much food again, panicked. dissociated.
but so wonderful. we adore spending time with oliver. we hope they weren't disappointed in us.

KRIS SKETCH

almost binge. french toast, cereal. LAURIE asked the kid responsible, "if you love me, stop"
and they DID
"dope" by lady gaga looping in our head

slept on the porch, with chaos.
pure bliss.
we NEED to do this instead of bingeing. it's what we ACTUALLY WANT.


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sunday 091717 11:00 pm

lazy sunday, I think?

got up early and ran like crazy. so tired.

didn’t even attempt to eat until 5pm, salad. failed to do so.

PRINCESS MONONOKE.

for dinner we tried to eat too many vegs and I don't remember anything at all, except aware that someone purged it all out of shame and fear. this is where all our money and time and health is going. it needs to stop.

so tired, out on the porch. beautiful SO HAPPY. I don't think we've ever felt that happy outside of headspace in our ENTIRE LIFE.


notes: 

• Dread talks in chat bubbles; he doesn't move to talk. Just expressions. Says he trusts Ollie and feels safe around him. Never felt him so Content before.
• Me, halo and crying iridescent tears? Like flowing that color. Those Tumblr gifs.
• Army Flower is a WAR PROTESTOR. the Legit sort, like standing in front of tanks and helping refugees.


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monday 091817  11:00 pm

got up early, ran to the salvador deli. got a bunch of pastries to try.
also stopped at food lion for vegetables.

BEST BREAKFAST. ♥

dept of social services.
listening to alt+j the whole way up.

planned parenthood; got trans hormone info!
ollie was stressed and got taco bell.

ran back to bakery to get the rest of the pastries, and the food. now we know what it's all like.
also stopped at food lion and got ollie those cream curls he loves

sense8. SO GOOD.

TRIED VERY HARD to eat right, but failed because someone ate the sweet part of a pastry and absolutely freaked out, which triggered a binge-purge.
then someone decided to eat the reeses puffs, and BOTH laurie and the religious-panic girl came out SOBBING and begging him to stop because "I don't want to die" etc. he didn't comprehend the concept, would NOT STOP.
panic girl saw our weight had gone up to 105 from drinking the almond milk, she started screaming "no! no! no!!!" and panickedly threw up several times to try and get it all out. heartbreaking.
"jesus help me, god help me, I'm so sorry, I don't want to die"
notably asked god to HELP that boy "I don't want to hate him" BUT what he does is TERRIBLE.

222 am. no one's been texting ollie. we are exhausted and sad and scared and have no spoons at all BUT we are motivated to try again.

 

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thurs 0921 11:59 pm

 

band night.

sat and fixed phone, browsed tumblr

got food, TRIED hard to eat it, still failed

 

 

08:24 pm


#nurse #white #negative white #wait what if her role is specifically to TRANSMUTE THAT?? #especially with her inherent species ties to the color #reflect upon this #headspace scenery

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sat 0923  11:46 pm

Tattoo plans:

• Jewel Monster symbol
• Lotus Cathedral "logo"
• "The divine is full of monsters"
• "Lightly, child, lightly"
• "Beauty and terror"
• "Everything is new, every moment"
• Perfect Chaos ourobouros
• Infinitii eyes/teeth sleeve?
• Pentagape group symbols

 

11:59 pm

 

laundry morning.

was this the night we watched we're back and a.i.?

------------------------------------------------------------------


sun 0924 11:59 pm

 

went out for HOOKAH

infi moon.

watched more sense8?


day notes: 

UPMC problem= "don't work through trauma! Thats not important now! To be GOOD, all you have to do is EAT a ton of food and gain weight!!"
• Forcing ourselves to continually eat things that make us severely dysphoric and trigger trauma-flashbacks: milk and dairy, honey, chocolate, oatmeal, mangoes, ice cream, chips, cereal, sugary foods in general, etc.


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0925  11:33 pm

nousfoni survey
learning to live in this precious fragile world.

1. Your voice
2. Your handwriting
3. How do you hold the body?
4. Your vocal style?
5. Your resonant music?
6. Do you like food? If so, what's your favorite food OR flavor / texture?
7. Fashion / style?
8. Gender/pronouns, sexuality?

more questions =

Nousfoni: build, height, shape, silhouette, stance, age

COMPARATIVE! Lineups

DRAW NOUSFONI IN FLAT, SATURATED COLORS FOR THE SAKE OF SPECIFICALLY CLARIFYING HUES

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mon 0925  11:59 pm

got up early. went out, bought breakfast: mcdonalds, parkway house.
stopped at compare foods, have tons of funky baked goods, whoever loves those wants to try them next month.
PLEASE talk about that though. they want to try them and TOSS THEM. actually "eating" is foreign to them. please work through this

ollie went for a walk

food troubles. tried REALLY HARD.

bad binge day. all vegetables though.

stayed up late browsing tumblr. found a lot of good stuff. lots of pentagape posting, thank god

finished uploading 2009.


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tues 0926  11:04 pm

- Knife NEEDS to talk to Iscah and the other religious fronter. He listens to Christian R&B and adores it purely. He was originally referred to as a "vampire priest." He runs a freaking confessional in the Underground, from what I saw the other day.
I wonder if he has ever talked to, or met, Aconitum? They need to meet up, too.

 

 

11:59 pm

woke up at 3pm? stayed in until 5??
infi talking to ollie, FINALLY

made a salad, watched the sense8 finale

NO BINGEING.
slight mistake when making food but otherwise GOOD DAY

slc trauma recap, disturbed by just HOW toxic it actually was

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sept 27th dream 04:23 pm

 

 

Nier+sonic? Emil as some sort of red spirit? Appeared by old tree; forest like Ferngully, colors rich and vivid like No Man's Sky. House of some sort nearby (In tree?), went in. Said he was summoned there.

LAURIE, pushed up stairs by dark descent baddies. Kept trying to torture info out of her. She sneered and said "Whip me till I bleed." Would NOT back down. Mentioning love and pain?

"This is a place of laughter"= defiantly, protectively, triumphantly= upon entering upper room with kids. Marigold, David, Ashen, someone that looked like a younger julie?? (Yellow, not corrupt!!)

Place got BLOWN UP?? the thing they were seeking Respawned somewhere else? So they didn't need that one anymore. Building had levels UNDERGROUND though; Rouge and shadow hid there; they also had a child? Charged ME with protecting them?

Emanon. Evil blood cores? Neck kills. THIRD Power Jewel; top of head?? Super rare. 

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september 28th 2017 dream  10:26 pm

Running from cleaning bot in labyrinthine school? Dogs, back door.
Hunchback remake? Quasi an Indian woman in hijab. City architecture GORGEOUS.
talking about gay boy representation? THE QUEEN. cofronting with 2 others??
In grandfathers room at home. Nomi? Something with travel, Pokemon?
Sun, bro, dad at restaurant. Girl there from prison, obvious feelings btwn her and sun. Apple pie, salad. Price discount.

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092917  11:30 pm

WALKING THROUGH MEMORIES= FREEZE FRAME; HELP SOCIALS IN SITUATIONS THEY WERE DISSOICIATED FOR!
☆THIS IS THE ONLY DIRECT WAY INNER NOUSFONI CAN MEET OUTER NOUSFONI AND DIRECTLY INTERACT WITH THEM!!!
☆DOES THIS COUNT AS HEARTSPACE???


DO THIS WITH RECENT STRUGGLE SITUATIONS ASAP. ASK "WHY." REVEAL COMPULSIONS, FEARFUL OBEDIENCE, TRAPPED TRAUMA LOOPS. ETC. SOCIALS WILL AND DO TALK TO US IF WE MEET THEM INSIDE ON THEIR LEVEL. THAT'S WHY MEMORYSPACE EXISTS= IT IS THE ONLY TOTAL BRIDGE BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW. THE MORE WE USE IT, THE CLOSER WE GET.
BTW, DO THIS FOR SLC. WE WERE NOT A TRUE SYSTEM THEN. THOSE SOCIALS WERE ALONE AND SCARED. THEY NEEDED US THEN THEY HAVE US NOW. BE THERE. 

------------------------------------------------------------------


093017  10:14 pm

Sandwich, potato.
TAPROOT. photos.
Too many vegs
Orange new black
Trauma talk, morality
Aywas


10:31 pm


MEMORIES TO WALK INTO AND HEAL =
☆DO REALTIME AUDIO NARRATION OF THIS???

• Des Moines
• Michigan
• The couch
• The attic
• The Kinsara day
• THE KITCHEN
• The Vandegraaff house
• THE BEDROOM
• The psych ward
WORKING ON IT=
• Bus trip through Oklahoma
• Colorado layover



notes:

Marywood concert memory fears= COMPETITIONS. triple hating the mother, that constant expectant but pessimistic glare.

Lynne is NOT a pianist.
Rhodes ATTENDS concerts. She DOESN'T play an instrument!!
Javier is NOT a social pianist; he CHANNELS THE ESSENCE OF IT INSIDE.
The true classical pianist is GLISSANDO.
The fun composer is JEWEL.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO "PERFORMS."

There's a kid who AWAITS JUDGEMENT??? Like a terrified version of Interim? Their whole existence is outside of clock time.

Josephina= CHECKING FACTS!! This is VITAL for realtime retroactive trauma memory healing; ITS IN THE PAST!!! The current moment is FREE of that context by its very definition: Every new moment is innocent.

Kids healing roba's memories? Not alone or trapped anymore. As PART of the System, they aren't alone OR scared anymore. NO MORE MOTHER TRAP PANIC when you have everyone inside there for you safe.

 

 

(written all at once, without warning, as it was happening ( stream-of-consciousness). left unfinished. god willing, will re-enter this timespace and finish the event in the future. nevertheless what is written here is real.)





Jewel Lightraye stepped onto the battlefield, sneakers crunching in the snow.
Everything was so pale. The ground was covered in a bleary cold whiteness, forbidding life from growing, the low wind blowing away all footprints in swathes of dusty, frigid air. It didn’t even look clean, not underneath that dark and dim of a sky, suffocating in a fog so low and thick it felt like being trapped under a carpet of insulation. Everything was painted the dimmest shade of bleached-out indigo. Everything felt dead.
She stopped, shivering hard all at once, as the temperature data finally bit into her, like needles through her summer clothes. Her body responded with the sudden urge to cry and curl up in a ball in that dingy ashen floor of a snowdrift. Her reply was to reach up and adjust her baseball cap more tightly onto her head, before taking a resolute step forwards.
The crunch surprised her now, even though she had heard it just as clearly the first time. After having taken in all that desolation, the sudden squeak of ice and rubber soles was shockingly alive, a sign of something moving, something with hope in it yet, striving forwards—

“Jewel! Is that you?”
She spun to her left at the sudden voice, in time to see three familiar and beloved individuals appearing out of the dark fog, running up the sloping hill to her.
Ryou was the first in line, his arms wrapped tightly about his signature blue-and-white striped shirt. At least he’s got long sleeves, Jewel thought amusedly.
“Yeah, it’s me,” she replied, feeling oddly nostalgic at that. “What’s up?”
“What’s up?” Ryou repeated, eyebrows raising slightly. “Where are we? What is this?”
Jewel peered over his shoulder as he spoke. Marik was there, but he had pulled on his old Rare Hunter hoodie, which was virtually the same color as the sky here. Despite having more clothes cover than the rest of the gang, he looked positively distressed, at least as much as he would let show like this. He was shivering more than Ryou.
She shrugged, focusing her eyes back on the snow-haired boy before her (the flakes weren’t even visible in his hair until they melted into drops; if it wasn’t so depressing here it might have been pretty).
“I have no idea,” she stated, “but that’s typical fare for us I guess.” Ryou smiled at that, but it was tinged with something like… regret? Sadness?
“It is.” His voice was starting to sound like the weather.
A small silence settled into the wake of those words, and Jewel, heart beginning to twinge with concern, pushed up on her toes to peer over Ryou’s other shoulder. Sure enough, there he was.
Standing with his back half-turned to her, a creature looking like the ocean tide personified stood in silence, wrapped up in himself just as much as the rest of them, his gem-green eyes rife with enough turbulent anguish to drown everyone around if it got loose. The very sight of that sent a lightning-sharp strike of pain straight through Jewel’s heart.
“What… were you all this sad before you came here? Or do you not know?” she asked Ryou, as she began to shiver for real this time.
“I’m not sure,” he replied. “It could be both.”
“We were all sad and this is making it worse,” Marik’s voice sparked like a dying fire from under his dark hood.
For a moment no one said anything, then all their attention turned silently to Chaos 0.
His wet eyes darkened. “There’s something dark and carnivorous here,” he began, his voice far more level than his friends expected in this situation. “It’s in the air. It’s in the snow.” He turned his deep-sea gaze to Jewel, so pointedly that for a moment she wasn’t sure where she was. “Where are we, Jewel?”
Now both the other boys turned to look at her.
“I…” she faltered. She had said she didn’t know, but now thinking it over, she supposed it was only half true. She had no idea what this place literally was, true, but if there’s one thing she knew for sure about Heartspace it’s that it was always, always, adherent to that term.
Whatever place they were in right now, it had existed inside them first.
“…Hopelessness,” she said all at once, and saw a flash of pain sear through Marik’s eyes. “Despair. The sense of being lost and not knowing where one is, let alone where to go.”
She paused. “…Loneliness? I-I mean,” she faltered, “we’ve got each other, but—”
“…Do we really?” Ryou responded, and everyone looked back at him.
“I know you all feel it,” he continued, his voice picking up a twinge of too-dark paranoia. “Who are we now? Where DO we go from—“
“That’s the REASON this place is like it is, Bakura!!” Chaos suddenly snapped, like a dam breaking. “You—you were never this existential, you were never this doubtful of your own existence! Markus, you were never this scared!!”
A sudden profound silence fell over them. Chaos had used Marik’s new name.
“…It’s a little hard not to be scared with that in the air,” the boy in question replied, withdrawing further into his hoodie. Whatever fire was in him before was now turned to slush.
Chaos looked up, starkly into the distance, as if planning something. Then he turned back to Jewel.
“This place is unstable, Jewel. I know you’re trying to hold it together but the very nature of this place is messing with everyone here. Including me,” he added, pressing a hand to the gem in his chest. Jewel
was struck by the sudden remembrance of it. “Whatever this place is, it IS from us, and we’re here because we’re here on the outside too, and we need to get through this.” He winced. “…Or we’ll freeze to death.”
Jewel set her face like flint at that. Nodding once, she turned to the right, raised her arm, and sent a tunnel of fire blasting through ahead of them.
The two boys watched, wide-eyed, as the fire seemed to stretch on terribly far, even as the fog swallowed it up.
“Shoot,” Jewel said, a hint of despair creeping into her voice.
“Don’t,” Chaos put a huge clawed hand on her shoulder. “Don’t give in. It’s hard enough for me to hold out for your sake; if you lose hope we’re all doomed.”
She looked up at him, heart aching with what he had just said, but she nodded again. “I’ll try,” she said.
He smiled, just as achingly. “You’d better.”
“…Jewel?”
She turned back around to see Ryou—or was it Rio now?—wringing his hands with a sudden lack of fright, and an equally surprising clatter of insect-claws against his arms.
“I’m sorry,” he said, somewhat confusedly. “I’m… let’s just go.” He took a few steps forwards to stand beside her, eyes shining blue, and still following where the fire had gone.
A giant spidery figure crept up to overshadow the boy.
“Rio,” it pronounced, and Jewel swore it had managed to say both his names at once, “Walk.”
He did. One step in and he quickly turned to look at Jewel, a pleading sort of helplessness in it, a total lack of understanding that required as much support as it could get.
In turn, Jewel turned her head around to give Markus (as he was now, so many years later) a look of fire, of confidence, a silent statement of “I believe in you and I want you with us.” Then, unable to help it, she grinned in her lopsided way and motioned for him to follow. A tiny smile crinkled his violet eyes in response, and with one last (and not unmissed) glance towards the shadows behind him, he hurried forwards to join the rest of them.

“So why is Lethe here.”
Rio looked scared at Jewel’s blunt question, and opening his mouth in surprise, failed to say anything at first.
“I—”
“He needs to carry his fears separately,” the monstrous being replied with unusual calmness, looking down at the boy. “They will devour him otherwise.”
Rio said nothing to that-- he only tightened his lips and kept his eyes locked straight ahead.
“Markus,” the daemon spoke, “you should do the same.”
He flinched hard at the near-accusation. “I-I can’t,” he stuttered in real fright, “I’m not ready to face her yet, not like this—“
“You may have to,” was the reply. “Especially in a place like this.”
Then, silence. Jewel looked back and saw that Markus was looking down, fighting back real tears. This was so unlike how he used to be when they first met—all proud enthusiastic daring—that it broke her heart. She hung back a step to fall in sync with him, and tentatively put a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her, his deep bronze skin seeming washed-out in the pallor of the place.
“You don’t know what she’s like,” he whispered. “She frightens me, Jewel. She’s…” he broke off momentarily, struggling with words. “…She’s a reminder of what I’ve been trying to ignore all these years-- a blatant, un-ignorable reminder.” He took a sudden breath as his eyes hardened. “She’s an in-your-face statement that ‘you’re not as tough as you think you are! You’re just a scared little kid playing God to forget the fact that you’re terrified and helpless and you’ve never felt so alone in your life.’ And then I met you guys.” Almost apologetically, his voice softened again. “Then I… I slowly stopped wanting to rule the world. I slowly started to be happy with what I had. But I was so scared of losing it, losing you, all of you, in any way, that I… the fear just changed shape. And now it looks like her. She’s pride and glory on one side, and helpless despair on the other.”
“Rags and riches?” Jewel offered.
Markus chuckled. “Kind of. More like… power and the total lack of it. Success, and the total lack of it. Gold and dirt. Rags and riches,” he shrugged, and laughed a little more genuinely this time. “I guess you’re right.”
Jewel smiled too, but it was still sad at the edges.
“So your Vice is… what? Pride?” Chaos asked, his brow furrowed.
Markus shrugged again, quickly, as if trying to shake the thought from his shoulders. “Maybe.”
“What does she feel like?” Jewel asked.
Markus considered this, looking momentarily up and ahead at Rio, who as obviously listening but not daring to turn or stop with his own embodied Vice pushing him forwards.
“--Rio, what does Lethe feel like?” Markus suddenly asked, audibly pushing through hesitation to do so.
“What?” came the baffled reply, as the boy faltered to a stop to turn and face his friend. The creature in question did the same, its single eye appearing to smile, as neutrally as one could imagine.
“I…” Markus’s hesitation replied in the shadow of that thing. “…Y-your daemon, it… aren’t daemons supposed to be Vices? Worst fears? Your biggest shadows?”
”Yeah…” Rio began, noncommittal.
“Well…” Markus gulped. “W-what’s yours?”
Rio said nothing for several seconds. The question hadn’t appeared to fully register, and it was obvious he wasn’t planning (or able) to respond.
“’What do I feel like,’ you mean?” Lethe murmured, amused. “Tell them, Rio. Tell them how I’m your fear of what lurks in the dark when you turn off the light, or the utter lack thereof. Tell them how I’m the sound of nothing when you lock all the doors. Tell them how I’m the redness behind your eyes--”
“Okay, okay!!” the white-haired boy nearly sobbed. “Lethe is… my fear of my unknowing. He’s my fear that nothing out there really exists, or even worse, that the only thing that exists is nothing. I’m scared that… I’m scared of everything out there that can turn me into nothing. Of laziness, and “Sloth,” and of not wanting to do anything but waste my days away with addictions and distractions because I’m scared of facing the emptiness beyond. I’m scared because I know he’s right, but I don’t know how to… how to learn from him yet.”
“It takes time, River,” the daemon spoke with unusual softness. “But the waters will move.”
Chaos visibly pondered that.
“You’re forgetfulness and death,” Jewel suddenly said. “Lethe and Styx.”
“I am,” he replied. “I am emptiness. I am the Void he runs from.”
“But I thought Daemons held both good and bad sides of the coin?” Jewel continued unsurely.
This time, Lethe’s smiling eye was far darker.
“Do I not?” His voice was like distant thunder. “Tell me, Jewel. Who is Dendrite to you?”
Jewel was the silent one now, her mind outright blanking out at the question. “I don’t know,” she said simply.
And Lethe laughed, a low watery rumble of a thing that shook her bones. “You run from your own heart and interrogate others who do the same. Be not a hypocrite, Jewel.”
Shamed by the harsh but too-true accusation, she lowered her gaze.
But… Dendrite. The name of her elusive alleged Daemon. Jewel knew she existed, but… where? How? Then again, Jewel had never given much of a thought to her own “vices,” had never even considered that she might have any at all… her innocent ignorance of sorts had gotten the better of her. Now, it seemed that the simple reality that she HAD a Daemon manifested somewhere was unsettling enough.
“…What is death, but only a door?”
She looked up.
“What is forgetfulness, when tied to fear?” Lethe continued. “Consider it, Jewel. A Daemon is a curse and a blessing. It is our nature. We cannot be otherwise. Fear us as you will, but remember—” and he smiled again, like crinkled silver—“we cannot exist without you. We are of you. And if there is any good in you, then there is just as much good in us.”
“…And what if there’s a lot of bad in us?” Rio mumbled, his voice almost stomped flat.
Lethe turned to him now, and in one liquid motion, curled up to be almost face-to-face with the boy. “What is ‘bad’ to you, Rio?”
“’Bad’ means harmful to my soul, or someone else’s,” he replied, a bitter sharpness creeping into his tone.
“Am I ‘bad’ to you, Rio?”
A pause; he was struggling with the question. “…I’m… not sure. You feel bad, you feel like all the bad in me, but you’ve never done anything to hurt me…”
“Then take that as a lesson, child,” the creature responded with subtle gravity. “You do not have to act on it. You can die to it. And then you can forget being what you were when you fell victim to it in the past.”
“Why would I want to forget the wrong I’ve done??” Rio burst out.
“So you can move on,” Lethe said simply. “Forget, after you have died to it. Don’t go back. Don’t drag yourself back into the grave you must rise from.”
Rio was again silent. His face was hot with tears and confusion and he looked even more knotted-up than Markus had earlier.
“Does that answer your question now, Jewel?”
She jumped, surprised at the Daemon’s sudden question. “I—yeah. I’ll have to think about it. But I’ve got it.”
“Don’t think too much,” the spidery thing chuckled.

They started walking again. No one was speaking. The fog and snow continued to whirl about
them, as dead and cold as ever, and Jewel noticed with no small amount of fright that she was starting to numb to it. Her mind, in an attempt to “protect her” from the inclement environment, was shutting down her ability to feel the cold, to see the shadows.
Almost impulsively, she flared up another burst of fire around her body, and flung it forwards into the half-night. Again, it seared through the fog and snow, but this time, the further it went, the darker the sky got around it, until it seemed to hit something solid and pitch-dark.
They all stopped at that.
“What are you trying to do, Jewel?” Lethe lazily inquired.
“Is that a wall?” Chaos questioned agitatedly. “Is this a dead end??”
Almost instantly Markus ran up to it, his hood falling away in the sudden burst of speed, champagne-gold locks catching a few feeble snowflakes. He closed the distance between them and the wall in a surprising matter of seconds—as intention tended to do in Heartspace—and without warning, began striking at it with the bladed end of his Rod.
“No!! This can’t be it!! You can’t just trap us here, you can’t just block us from getting any further!!” Furious and despairing, he struck the wall again with all his might. “Damn it!”
A solid chip of wall shattered off and flew to land on the ground behind him. The snow was fading here, the cold was dulling out, the sky above them losing what little color it had. Everything was now slowly vanishing away into that odd brassy-black stone, into an even more pervading sense of night… or no, something even darker than that; this darkness was in the absence of a sun or a moon, the sort of total black one only felt underground.
Markus was sobbing now, slumping against the wall, Chaos standing behind him in a desperate attempt to comfort. Rio appeared torn between numbness and compassion, and some awful sort of fear was holding him still, tears streaming down his face.
A voice came.

“Markus.”

He jumped notably, his whole body convulsing with fear. “No!!” He cried. “No, not you, not now, not here!!” Hysterical, Markus ran into Chaos’ arms and clung to the blue creature, almost choking from terror.
At this, Rio cast a heart-wrenching glance towards Jewel, and in that moment she understood just how lost he really was here, in the place that was just as white and dark and lonely as… wait.
Her eyes widened for a moment, but she cast that away just as quickly, refusing to dwell on that detail when it was obvious he needed support now. She moved over to him and wrapped her arms about his shoulders. He returned the gesture, tangibly relieved, but still shaking.
It struck her that he still felt as young as he did years ago, that he still felt safe to be around, like this. Despite his fear there was no ego to it; there was no sense of pride or performance or pity to it. No, he felt a need for love and he turned to someone he knew he could feel that with. There was nothing but childlike trust in that, something she treasured, something their quadruple-friendship here was built upon. Whatever bitter edges he had begun to show earlier had been completely rubbed down to velvet nubs now, so to speak. Everything was as soft and safe as it should be.
She wondered if Lethe’s appearance was responsible.
“Jewel,” Rio began, his voice thick with regret and apology.
“Yeah?”
“I… I’m so sorry, I didn’t know how to comfort him, I—” he broke off, audibly crushed by this.
Jewel looked at him compassionately. “Maybe don’t try so hard?” she began. “I mean… you and me, I think we worry too much. Chaos just kind of… went over there. He didn’t do anything, but that might’ve been intrusive? I dunno,” she hesitated. “He was there when Markus needed him. He was close enough.” Another tight pause. “And I was here for you. Maybe that’s all we can do?”
“Hm,” Rio considered. “You sure that’s enough?”
“Maybe we should ask.”
“Rio!! Jewel!!”
They both turned at Markus’s shout.
“On second thought, there’s our chance,” Jewel said, and the two ran over to their friend.

Rio began apologizing before he even stopped running. “Markus, I’m so sorry I didn’t come over here earlier—”
“You had that thing behind you, it’s okay,” the violet boy said-- and then appeared abashed for having expressed such a sentiment in earshot of said ‘thing.’ “I’m sorry,” he added ruefully.
“You know she’s here,” Lethe stated simply, and Markus’s face turned into a tangle of frustrated fear and sorrow all over again.
“Of course I know,” he spat. “I knew as soon as I saw her wall. She always…” he swallowed. “She always traps me in here.”
“Seems rather indicative of your subconscious,” his friend’s Daemon again calmly retorted.
Markus clenched his fists but remained silent. “What, that I’m trapped in here with her?” he replied at length.
“No, that you’re trapped because you refuse to face the minotaur. There is a way out of this labyrinth, child,” Lethe continued. “But she is guarding the exit.”
…



“…I’m scared of her,” he whispered once more, terribly vulnerable in the confession.
“We know,” Lethe observed, but his voice was oddly reassuring. “As is right, for we are indeed Daemons. Rio is terrified of me as well, if you have not forgotten.”
“But—but he—“ Markus gestured with a sort of frustrated despair at his friend. “But he’s letting you near him!! He’s TALKING to you!!” He stopped, his breath hitching, as his eyes caught a new light emanating from somewhere above—something gold. “How can he be scared if he’s just… letting you be there?”
Rio fidgeted a little at that. Lethe gave him a knowing look, and waited.
“…I bury it, Markus,” he said at length. “I… I’m scared of admitting that I’m scared? You’re a stronger man than me in that respect.”
“Oh, only that respect?” Markus retorted, a slight but brave smile in his shaking voice.
At that unexpected, familiar jab, Rio actually smiled back, a real smile, with a real chuckle lighting it up. “Y-yeah,” he added, just as bravely, and reached up with a slightly trembling hand to indicate his thick smoke-blue locks. “That and your hair game, I’ll give you that.”
And Markus laughed.

The gloom around them was suddenly warmer. The indigo shade had now shifted into something strangely luminous, even in the pervading shadows-- something bringing out a glint of sun-yellow even in the black walls.
Every one of them was smiling now, remembering what life had felt like back in the old days when they were kids; always joking with each other like this, never doubtful of each other no matter how dark it got. And now, once again, they were all momentarily wrapped up in nothing but that simple happiness, the lightness of being so suddenly triggered by a genuine bit of laughter, of good humor, of optimism even in the midst of strife… …And Lethe was still there.
He slowly curled into Rio’s shoulder again.
“So how does it feel to forget?”
Rio’s smile disappeared. Yet his face did not darken—instead, his eyes widened, his mouth now quiet with surprise.

Markus was still giggling at that old injoke, fingers playing with his gold-dust hair, but his eyes were wet, and his voice was quickly changing to match.
“…Markus?” Jewel asked, hesitantly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he insisted with an oddly bright calmness, but he was smiling up at her with those same sad eyes.. “I’m absolutely fine. And this is what I never want to lose, ever,” he emphasized, his expression now beginning to crack at the edges. “This. I don’t want to go back to being afraid or confused or alone or—I don’t want to lose this anymore—”
“Have you ever really lost it, Markus?” a voice cut through the air.
And he breathed in as sharply as a knife.
Something gold was stepping out of the shadows behind Rio, where there was no trace of fog or snow, only the edges of a maze deep beneath the ground.
It was a towering, sharp thing, with limbs like needles, clock hands, dagger-blades… it walked with unfaltering precision, with unsettling poise. Everything about it was polished and deadly.
It stopped, thirty feet away from Markus, and gazed down at him with a single, brilliant yellow eye.
Then its gaze softened.
“Markus.”
He clamped his hands to his ears and fell to his knees, sobbing.

Rio was now looking back and forth between boy and beast in utter shock,



“Why are you so afraid of me?” she asked, quietly.

 

It suddenly struck Jewel that she’d never seen any of their Daemons act so kindly before.

 

***daemons do love their partner-souls but they also TAKE NO SHIT. They will NOT mollycoddle ANYONE for ANY REASON. If markus is running from his fears, his daemon is going to catch him and make him face them, no questions asked. A daemon knows ones bleakest parts and it exists to help you RECOGNIZE AND TRANSMUTE THEM. They literally cannot help you if you wont accept their existence— as rejecting them is rejecting that part of YOUR SOUL!!! The shadow IS vital for growth! A daemon just makes it that much easier to grapple with, when that dark awareness is held in something with a face and a heart that loves you, even if it has a rather sharp way of showing it. If you can learn to love them in return, then congratulations, you can now love yourself the same way. And that love is MANDATORY to reach one’s best self. The toughest part is the first acceptance though… that initial cognizance of what a daemon IS, what it carries, and the fact that it is part of you. The shame, guilt, fear, anger, and denial can be potent. Hence the separation of selves—if you can’t accept that part of yourself literally at first, at least accept it in them as something taken from you. Again, the ultimate goal is to learn UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for yourself and EVERYONE ELSE, without losing honor and righteous devotion. It’s a process and at first it is indeed rocky. But step 1 is always to open your mind and heart. It all goes from there.***

 

“We are not evil, no more than you are. Take that as you will.”
But Markus’ face was shaken.
“Why is everyone here so afraid of being evil?” Chaos frustratedly spoke up from behind his friend. “

 

Later, in response to “what’s Infinitii’s vice, then?”
“It’s… the vice of not realizing that my vices are vices.”

 

 

 

events as of late

thursday
tons of chaos synchronicity on the ipod
came out of NOWHERE, shocked me really, nothing had provoked this, but there it was
happened last week too.
included e.t., jojoushi, thunderbird, why i like you, jewels, open your heart, metaphorically yours, his sth themes, etc. practically all in a row
not sure what this means for me personally, it used to just be a spontaneous show of affection, now it feels strangely alien?
worried about that. could be a major fault on my end, closing off, fear?
"the forget you song" by frost* did play twice and the lyrics to that are far too relevant to the scary but hopeful atmosphere between us lately.


the night.
trying to heal xenophon's parentage AND heal the original "pink" event all at once
(almost exactly 4 years later btw)
very disturbed though, identity KEPT SWITCHING, could not stay white in that context
lost virtually all memory of event, even though there was no hatred in the actual thing.
PROVED that motivations have no bearing on the actual outcome. the actual outcome is ALWAYS painful/hateful.
helps to forgive self, because that wasn't our intent, i.e. we weren't doing this out of hate or violence, even if that's what happened in the end.
starting to seriously worry if we're going to have to permanently drop the whole idea of parentage for xennie, as it is feeding into way too much trauma
also worried sick about chaos, he's still as unstable as he was back in 2004, he cannot stay around if this persists


friday morning
TWO HOURS with everyone in the coregroup
chaos, laurie, genesis, infinitii, javier, markus, rio
infi toned down hir vibe a lot and mostly stayed in the background
or joined with others to boost the emotion level through the roof
4-person heart connections are incredible
and also just as painful as you would think (not in a bad way but there are usually a lot of tears nevertheless)
lots of sword imagery with those lately too. thats new.

laurie is the best kisser in headspace and I apologize for how trite that sounds, because it's a result of her untouchability/ devotion
rio holding too much shadow? didn’t feel like himself. markus completely broken open, emotional. it's like their personalities hit the opposite of what they were as kids.
javier trying too hard to show emotion? still trying to get a grip on "not performing" or guessing. warning him to be present.
adding more fuel to the fire on what we're supposed to do with chaos. could not feel close to him. wondering if our relationship really did shatter years ago and we're not going to be able to fix it? worried.

toying with the whole "gem fusion" idea from steven universe as it STRONGLY parallels the original "fusion/morph" phenomenon in early headspace days (2003-2006).
still unsure if metainomenai are still a thing or not, feel tied to old timeline. but people still reference them. (esp. laurie and lynne)
so we might have to consciously evolve it into a different, new-timeline context. like how outspacers all have to leave behind their source material in order to function correctly.
again, that's still our main concern with cz. he hasn't let go of his and it is poisoning him



friday evening:
laurie realizing that the "pseudohacker" kids, i.e. the ones who get tangled up in sexuality from confusion and not malice, always look for HER because she is the manifestation of everything they REALLY WANT:
purity, chastity, safety, strength, VIRGINITY.
laurie is UNTOUCHABLE by everything that hurt them,
she doesn't even UNDERSTAND it, she CAN'T, so she is PERPETUALLY SAFE

her talking to julie about this.
saying julie shold be a "beacon of hope" because she rose above BEING our WORST hacker, now she is a source of love and affection, PURIFYING that.
said we really do need to talk to ashen, especially. she still hates julie and we need to heal that, for both their sakes.
julie saying laurie was this "ideal" for the damaged ones, they all ran to her almost as a savior figure?
laurie said she didn't want to be seen that way, julie said she knew that, but the hurt ones still looked up to her as that


a note:
when enduring body connections (rare, I don’t like them at all, only happen in paranoid situations) the ONLY way to make them hack-free is to make them PAINFUL, as that OVERRIDES hackers.
however the pain almost automatically gets associated with LAURIE, so if she DOES show up you are literally in the clear, everything shuts down and stops, so you're totally safe.
that pain is the only context in which there is NO DISSOCIATION, NO FEAR, NO PHYSICALITY AT ALL
ironically though, that also OVERRIDES THE VERY PURPOSE OF ANYTHING BEING PHYSICAL. and thank GOD for that.
remember, EVERYTHING for me goes through the HEART. NO MATTER WHAT.
this is why hackers kept trying to make hearts "evil" for me, so that I COULDN'T have that purity anymore
shockingly the monsters are what healed it for me? the brutal, angry, painful ones, HEALED the sanctity of the heart, because their hearts were still solid gold and they wouldn’t let them be corrupted. (mainly I have to thank wreckage)


still questions about celebi???
NOT doing anything with her, but allowing things for her through me??
severely depersonalized, detached, but massive compassion/affection.
"precious thing," fragility, beauty
still no idea how this plays into dreamworld or our centralite. very very confusing.
still parallels to chaos all over. shocking, only two outspacers in central, both tied to green/blue, similar shapes, etc.
and no matter how much fear or misguided hate or anger comes between us, I don’t think I'll ever be able to stop loving either of them. it feels inherent, even if its smothered.
really wondering about that



friday night:
chaos and I talking to rio
visited him in his room.
saying he was "writing" on his computer, about US?
like the old days. adventures he wishes we had, things he remembered, etc.
said it was upsetting, he didn't want to just dream, he wanted to HAVE that again
I said we all did, and we could
hoseki couldn’t do this anymore though, but I could, I just needed to "meet them again"

asking "what happened with you," why did he suddenly seem so dark and bitter,
afraid of shadows? but they grew too big
opposite of markus's reaction really (rio got angry/hard, markus got scared/fragile)

lethe showed up
his energy is like a handful of knives
brief argument with infinitii.
(lethe talks through his stomach mouth remember)
getting tar out of rio???
massaging his shoulders, back. asked why. he said it was "loosening things up?"
the fact that it was a daemon touch was also significant I think
coughed it up, "too big to come out,"
rio's eyes suddenly widened, "soul forms," asked me to kiss him, that's how we used to as kids
infi said ze would instead, it would be faster,
rio hesitated briefly then shrugged and said "you know what, sure," no reticence
they did, infi must have hit him with an absolute wave, soul form was instant, rio seemed absolutely dazed

I cannot remember how infi got the tar out, I'm wondering if it was a washout,
either way it was all at once, like running a sifter through his energy field, "caught" everything stuck in it
tar was in the shape of a huge spiked ball? like a mace. hit the ground with a HEAVY thud

afterwards rio's energy field was NOTABLY lighter, softer




I DON’T HAVE A BEARD???
THAT WAS ADAKIAS'S THING??????
it's throwing off my overlay which is totally weird
my hair is also in a totally different setup, it does NOT have the celebi swoop-back, nor does it have the jayce-hair we have in the body??
no idea, just trying to fix my overlay, frankly I keep "dephysicalizing" into more of an energy state

laurie scared that I'm staying in White but no longer being the host???
system feels like things need to switch or alter again. tumultuous.
massive emphasis on rainbows for infi and I lately btw. stark black/white is being forbidden? notable.
possibly causing the whole "host shakeup" feeling as this is technically a huge shift for us, with how we've been slipping largely since taking these color roles.
also wondering how the black/white slots REALLY fit into the spectrum map? now that its 3d?
NOT COLOR SLOTS???? more like surrounding space.
this would help them both be RAINBOW slots instead of the black/white problem. really hoping so
also the map feels like brown is ALSO removed from the color-ring, moved to the middle?? connecting downstairs? unsure. would explain why spine has been a holy mess for so long, despite feeling absolutely irreplaceable in some subtle way

 

 

 

I'm updating on purpose and without crisis today because heaven knows we need more general, bright entries in here.

We've started keeping a dietary journal again. Those help a lot, because not only do they help keep track of things and therefore force coherence, but lots of people tend to write in them, and they actually end up being both very informative and very fun to look back on. Daily logs of ANY sort are incredibly beneficial; it's a much-needed bit of personally sincere order.

I'm considering going back and re-reading through 2013 and 2014, because they're mostly missing from active memory? I think this is the first summer that we're aware of having summer problems. Normally I guess we would just dissociate out, and I know the lockout happened during summer 2013 I think? Something did. Summers are strange and kind of dangerous. I still haven't finished that entry. I will in time. It's strange is all. Plus I dislike posting that sort of info because it's somewhat... not embarrassing, but close? I'm too aware of how my words can be twisted sometimes.

We're still working on Parnassus, and Rosewindow is talking again. We're rather fiercely removing the Tar influence from them both; it's been infesting things really badly, and it's very disturbing.
Either way we're now aware of what's not true, we can feel it, we just need to STOP and LOOK and FEEL what's actually happening. That's the quickest way out of hack attempts too, is to somehow force awareness in because then you KNOW and you can RUN. The only problem is when you get fronters in who realize they are in danger and still try to justify it, or force "good" into the situation in a desperate pacificistic hope that they can somehow transmute or inherently change the event. It doesn't work, it doesn't work that way. We're trying to spread as much safe info around with the drivers as we can, so they realize that no matter what their mindset is, the actual literal event is STILL DANGEROUS and they need to get the hell out of there.

This apparently happened on Saturday. I'm wondering if that strain is part of why we ended up in the hospital the next morning, haha. I haven't read it but I'm going to have to now. That's absolutely a new thing.

What else. Did we go driving today? No. But we were on the porch! We had to do all the pixel avatars for that entry, haha. Or at least an artist did, I didn't. Really cool that they all got done though.
The best thing about summer is being out in the sunlight. The worst thing is the overwhelming triggerness of it. We really do need to write about that. Ah well, in its own time.

I do want to focus on the positive from now on. Time is up in the air, now. How much do we have? We don't know. But we have to be careful, and we have to be smart, and we do have to make some sacrifices, and we do have to make a LOT more effort to take care of ourself, AND to do lots more creative work and share it. But that part's easy, haha.

All right it really is terribly late and I don't want to end up in the ER again so we're going for the night.

Jay wants me to write that Infinitii appears to be completely healed now and he's "belovedly ecstatic" over it. He says mention that Chocoloco still has that "bite" taken out of his side and no one wrote about that yet. Ryman's daemon's name is Styx or Lethe, Jay says he can't quite tell yet because it could be either? He also says that around 2AM on Sunday he was trying to sleep but the body was terribly sick, and Chaos was there and he was profoundly worried, but Jay could see him "more clearly than he has in years" probably? He's like really really happy about that. He also says to remind whoever in our System reads this besides him to update the dream journal for heavens sakes. And that's it.

Now like I said we need sleep. Good night!

 

 

 

 

last night (like 2am really). just writing this down because it was very funny.

freezing cold, going to bed. joked "why didn't I fall in love with a fire person too"
genesis joked about victini, back in 2010, never panned out. shrugged and said "you have no one but yourself to blame"
chaos and I wondered about xennie for a minute, with her steam
then I called javier in (fire boy) and he decided okay cool, I'm fine with this
put his arms around me from behind and GOOD LORD THAT KID IS WARM
so he slept in our room that night, laurie's totally cool with him too, which is great

the 50 lemons joke with laurie
(you can't eat 50 lemons. [why not?] you'll die. [of what?] lemon overdose. [hmm.])
decided to only eat 25. she gives me three. I'm sleepily ecstatic. "three is good"

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 12:40 am

 

 

Oh my lord I am so glad we made a Tumblr blog for the Leagueworlds. It is the most uplifting thing for me, it's a godsend.
I think in concept clouds, usually, or data banks. Like... I get "packets" of info. I get "vibes" more than I get solid biographies, or concrete descriptions. It makes it hard to put things into words, but I know, I know what I would write about, once I figured ot how.
For example, just now, going through that blog's tag for Oneircia. That story is old and technically "finished" but the middle ground is empty. And yet... that blog is a testament to its richness nevertheless. When I see something that resonates with it, I know. And I put it there. So then suddenly, scrolling through that personal stockpile of abstract fact, it becomes easier to write. I now have something concrete to work FROM. Does that make sense? When it's all in this head/heart alone, it's tough to externalize at times. So I look for reflections. Kind of like the Subeta avatar set we have for the System, really; drawing them outright would have been near-impossible because I can't get it to translate that directly. But that generator gave me a means to "build" from my intuitive knowledge, an image that matched well enough. Same with the Leagueworlds.
It's getting easier, the drawing, little by little. I'll never forget the one day I sat down and sketched Bromeleice for the first time since I met her, and somehow I managed to draw her face shape EXACTLY, all on my own. It felt amazing I couldn't stop smiling; I had translated her likeness directly, and I didn't "screw up," and I didn't need outside aid (however helpful it may be) for once. Same thing with Deropélé; the first time I really tried to draw him (since age 9 or so), I did so digitally, and it just... turned out perfectly. It's just a sketch but every time I look at it my heart just warms up.

I am so happy though. I can't express just how much, how relieved I am, to have rediscovered this glittering bit of joy that I built, that reflects the grandeur and magnificence of the universes we shelter inside, however slightly. It's exactly, exactly what I need right now.

Today was... tricky? Strange.
Woke up at 9 and went to church, still foggy outside which was nice but it was brutally windy and cold. We sang in the choir for the first time in weeks, as it didn't hurt to do so anymore post-surgery. Then we went home and things got problematic.
Whenever the mother and grandmother interact there seems to be an explosion. It's not nice. People yell and throw things and fight and verbally bite at each others' throats. I can't tell you exactly what happened or when, all I know is that at one point the mother ended up cornering me in the kitchen while we were trying to eat safely for once, and talked and talked and talked and talked until we were practically sobbing over the stove and wishing she would leave but she wouldn't. She followed us, she does that.
I know she just wants someone to talk to. I know she appreciates that we listen. But we're a person too, we're more than just a body to throw words at. We LIKE silence, we cannot HANDLE your constant orders and whining and obsessions, it's too much NOISE.
She keeps talking about building a winery on her mother's homestead, nevermind that she doesn't even own it. She kept bringing up boxes and boxes of movies from the cellar and wouldn't stop telling me what they were, I'm sorry but I really do not care about the hundreds of VHS tapes you refuse to throw away, please give me some peace for five minutes.
Please stop forcing your likes and wants on ME and then being offended and angry when I say I want to build my OWN future. All my life you tried to make us a carbon copy of you. And even now, when we're finally learning what it means TO be ourself, you throw this at us, this and everything else, all the shame. I don't want to talk about that right now, not again.
All she talks about is wine, and movies, and Hollywood, and romance, fucking romance, she told me the other day that she only "moved back in" (again) because her boyfriend did something to her that made her want to "hurt him really badly." Then she smiled at me, that awful sort of proud but sour smile, and said "you'll see, that's what it's like in a relationship!" And I just turned my back to her and clenched my fists in silence because NO IT'S NOT.
And God knows it took me a LONG time to fully accept that realization, thanks to your constant messages of paranoid loathing as we grew up.
She never felt like a mother. We never associated her with the word. She purposely presents herself as young and scatterbrained and hyperactive and really we feel like we have to be a parent to her, to this day, she feels like a rebellious little sister. And that's FINE, that's fine for her, if she's happy with it. Go chase your dreams for once, go buy the property and build a house, go be a movie star or a model, go BE HAPPY, for God's sake I WANT to see you happy for once in your life but you keep getting in your own way and relishing in the pity. And I refuse to feed into that mindset anymore.
Is this bad, saying this? I want to say it TO her, I want to tell her she has my support but I will not support her childish behavior. I want to help her without her using me to do all her work FOR her.
And sometimes I want her to NOT TALK ALL THE TIME, sometimes I want her to STOP TOUCHING ME, I really really want her to RESPECT ME and stop calling me a freak but refusing to acknowledge my troubles and being altogether two-faced about every interaction she has with me/us.
She's a great person at heart but really, really, she is difficult as all hell to be around, and I'm sorry.
We want to be happy too, damn it, even if our happiness doesn't match yours. Stop telling us we can't have that.
I don't want to gossip or say bad things about people but the therapist says we HAVE to let this stuff out, we have to express our needs, we have a right to feel safe, et cetera. I just can't shake the guilt, it's hard to stand up to people when you can't figure out where the line is between them and you, and their resulting rage and anger makes you second-guess everything you just said.
So I was very stressed out today. Depression and anxiety got really bad, I couldn't get any music written, I couldn't read, I was exhausted and she gave me no peace and when she finally left I was a shambles of sorts. Plus I was freezing cold to the point where it was making the body cry from the feeling of utter helplessness and tiredness but that's over now. We're sitting down and trying not to feel guilty over it, we're warm enough, tomorrow is therapy, we're listening to League music, things feel better.

On that note, I've been writing a lot of music lately, or at least trying to get back into it. I use "I" very loosely there; I have very little recollection of any composition but the music's happening. It's frustrating; digitally we only have so many sounds to work with, but we try.
I know the most progress was made on "Spaceman Dreams," Margaret's tentative theme from Halcyon Days. It's a simple but cute theme that we tried to use only synthesized sounds for, almost like a chiptune. Maggie wants to be an astronaut and I associated that sort of synth sound with space travel as a child, thanks to educational vids in the 90s that always had such sounds in the background. Her friend Cherie's theme, "Sunshine," is also cute/simple, but it's slower and feels more like waking up early in the summer with sunlight on your face. I'm trying to use more muted sounds in it, but still bright.
In any case I've been trying to work on that series more lately, as it was one of the three that got hit the hardest by the Tar-- disturbingly, and horribly, it was mainly targeting the children in the League (destroying innocence) and now that we can see that, those of us working with the League are taking extra steps to heal that.
Halcyon Days is interesting; it's one of those stories that ended up having a deeper sort of hidden lesson, and it's one of those worlds that hasn't told us the deepest parts of itself yet. The more I learn of it, the more it tugs at my/our heart, and really I cannot wait until the day it just opens into light and becomes instantly beloved, totally, the way Dream World and Parnassus and Mage Angels all did.
Mage Angels though, God knows I love those girls, damaged though they are. I have no idea how they grew so much; they started out as a "dark magical girl" idea in 8th grade and Monika was the first "negative" character I'd ever met. But now... there is this strange, powerful affection in my heart for them, for everyone in that story. I'm focusing on their music too. I'm working on what might be their "theme song" and I adore it but I'm not sure if it's theirs, you know. Some songs start out as one thing and settle in as another.
Megan's current theme is still my favorite song atm; she's a bit of a club kid so I tried to catch that feeling of energy and confidence in it. It also has a "callback" bit to a melody I'm currently thinking is Monika's motif? It would be fitting, as the two are tied in purpose, but we'll see.
Leila's theme ("Snowblind") is really cool so far, no pun intended. I'm trying to balance the "winter" sound of bells and ambience with the biting grunge edge she carries beneath all that fluff, like a rusty knife edge-- small and precise, but ragged. Like the threat of ice beneath snow.
I'm working on themes for Monika, Kaeto, and Izephel, and need to start one for Nikki. But you see what I mean. I love them, I love this, music is such a joy for me/us when it comes to the League; it's one of the few ways we can catch the "vibes" Jewel can't quite put into words.
Rosewindow is feeling like it wants to talk to me really badly, so tomorrow (or Tuesday, depending on how much therapy changes our focus) I'll see what they have to say. Anu's theme is one of the most beautiful things we've ever channeled (Mr. Sandman's theme is too!), and her lullaby keeps looping in our head. But that story never revealed its true plot to us, not yet. I think it's fixing to. That's exciting.
(And of course Parnassus is always just waiting in the wings in one way or another, thank you Genesis.)

I know last night I said I would write more about yesterday's topics but I can't get into that mindset right now. I'm too shaken up and tired; I need to heal and recuperate first before I can properly hold such light. Right now, any effort to do something "good" is being met with floating-voice jeers and hatred. Earlier when we were depressed they told us flat-out to "kill ourself" because we weren't worth being alive or something. Surprisingly the fronter at that time didn't let that lie get to them; they knew it was cruel and false and they SAID so. Even if they were still depressed they at least realized that it wasn't a damnation of their character, and they still had a right to live, just as much as everyone else, even if they were miserable at the time. They claimed their right to have happiness and to reach for it, and rejected the claim that "everyone hates you and you should die." That's brutal emotional manipulation and it is NOT TRUE. We've heard enough of that. And also, everyone doesn't hate us. We love ourself, and there are actually people outside who love us, too. So those floating voices are losing their power, which they only had through force and fear anyway.
Speaking of, the Tar hackers are almost entirely powerless now, too. That is... the gratitude is huge. But that doesn't mean we're safe yet. The Plague can still take advantage of "obligatory" and numb mindstates, using blankness. We're watching for that now, and really it's easy as cake compared to the Tar, plus all our experience helps, and our fighters like Wreckage and Sugar and Eros and Laurie and even Julie refuse to let anything past the radar. So we're doing better.
I'm just pissed because they're still targeting Genesis and I swear I will tear those hackers' teeth out with a wrench if I get my hands on them. Gen hasn't healed like I have-- or maybe that's unfair to say. I don't carry trauma, that's my job. Genesis doesn't have the bizarre luxury of being able to shatter and reset whenever the terror gets unbearable. That happened to him once, a long time ago, and everything after that is still stuck with him.
I love him, I love him, he's my best friend no matter what, and I will do anything it takes to help him with this. I will stand between him and hell itself if I have to.
Laurie's been pushing for a Xanga session lately and I agree, and the blocks that were preventing that before feel like they're gone enough. We'll set this topic then, if Genesis wants to put it in writing. Otherwise I'll just talk to him all day tomorrow, as I always do when we're on the road.
God I have so much to say about him, too. No time tonight. That's a bad habit, one learned from childhood, pushing love and joy and wonder to the last second. We're allowed to give solid time to our own heart, you know. It's not stupid, it's not selfish, it's not "childish." It's childlike, and that's a very good thing. So really dude, next time you're up this late, let poet mode happen for once. It is the exact opposite of a waste of time, and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Someone tried to hack us tonight and we saw it was empty but it was so loud, so angry and vicious and intent to hurt, it was scary. But then we remembered that even if our numb side doesn't care how much we get hurt, there are outside consequences to our being hurt now, there are other people who care, and guess what? We don't want to let them down. We don't want to give up and give in when we need to be a pillar, a beacon, a hope-bringer, a rainbow. So we said that, and the hackers disappeared. Immediately.
It takes guts. It takes knowledge too, and that can be scary, because we're not always sure what is "us" and what is outside, what is "someone else." The confusion is more lethal than anything, I think. We'll discuss that with the therapist next. It's important.

The girl who wrote that really pained entry about 2 weeks back has been out in therapy, she's getting self-aware to a larger extent, she may stabilize into a name and/or face for sure soon. But... one thing stood out to me, last week, the therapist said something about our System's progress as a whole and that voice ended up admitting "I think I'm sabotaging everyone else's efforts" because she was afraid? I'm not sure about what, I'll have to ask her. But that was lucid. For a negative social of all people, to realize that their actions had harmful consequences for others, and to want to change that... that is new, and wonderful, and a huge light of hope.


This is still the most calming song we have ever written, thank you Glissando I assume. It is the exact sound of summer in our backyard, with sunbeams dripping heady and soft through the dark green trees, walking barefoot in the grass below and scenting flowers in the light air. Every time I hear it, it relaxes me instantly, and makes me smile. So there you go too.


I'm getting cold again and that weird lingering sadness won't go away, so I'm just going to get this body to sleep. Minty's concerned so she told us to keep Diamondheart (that white Care Bear she assigned to the Cores) around at night too, said his job is to ensure a little extra protection and peace.
Chaos is always there, always. So is Laurie. Genesis is finally sharing the bed as well, after us bugging him about that for months, if not years.
I've been feeling surprisingly close to MARKUS, of all people, lately? The Outspacers in general are getting a huge significance boost so I'm paying close attention to that when it hits. Ryman has been kind of distant, but I did get two things out of him-- one, that "Rio" is a nickname he likes more than his given name (hence no one being able to tell which was his "real name"), and two, that his distance as of late is thanks to his daemon. Apparently Ryman's fine with casual morbidity, with his dark fascinations and all, but when his own vices come creeping into his room on spider legs, that's where he draws the line. Which is odd. He's a terrifically brave kid, but he has this sort of naive edge that can keep him at a distance to the true danger of things. His vice is Sloth because his challenge is Void and he's avoiding looking at it... or his daemon. That's all I know about his situation right now.
Ironically, Markus-- the kid who is secretly terrified of his inherent shadows and has trouble sleeping over it-- has been talking to his daemon, with what I hope are helpful results, whatever that means for them. But maybe that's thanks to his old proud teenage confidence. Back then it was a brazen cool-kid vibe that blinded him to his own fears just as well as Jewel's fire did for her. Now though, it's settled into a sort of raw hope, and that's powerful. Maybe that's why I've been feeling a resonance with him recently. Hope's been working overtime.


Sleep. Sorry. We're infamously awful at concluding things... and staying on topic, arguably.

As always, genuine love to anyone/everyone reading this.